Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 493 - Free to Tuck
Episode Date: May 10, 2024Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Get Merch @ mssecretpodcast.com/merch Good evening brothers and siste...rs. We hope you're all having a great week. The D.A.W.G.Z. are in la la land for the netflix fest this week. So they beasted an audio only ep for you guys. It was a big week!!! The roast! Big shows!!! And the tires screening!!!! Makes for a piping hot cast if you ask me. I'm working on a slide show for the youtube now. That'll probably be up in the morning. Please enjoy god bless you. Support the show & get Lucy Breakers for 20% off & free shipping at https://www.lucy.co promo code DRENCHED This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/MSSP and get on your way to being your best self. Download the PrizePicks app or visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/DRENCHED today and use code Drenched for a first deposit match up to $100 Go to https://auraframes.com/mssp and get $30 off their best-selling frame today
Transcript
Discussion (0)
I'll take bad selfies and put on the thing.
That's a good one.
That's a good one.
That's a good one.
You can't do that man. You need to have good production.
Our cast is not going to work without production.
Jean said he's going to try to AI it, so a mouth on the picture
just moves.
That'd be sick.
Oh, no.
He's so tight.
I'll give him like four different pictures.
We should start doing that.
Yeah.
Family guy, you know what I mean?
How a family guy would have a cut to a joke that
had nothing to do with the episode.
If we came up with a joke, we should have an AI video of a joke that had nothing to do with the episode. Yeah, come up with a joke We should have an AI
For fucking sure yeah, you could have a guy drenched in a restaurant
It's like a shitty
We recorded
Okay, well that's a good idea you guys you guys just got a glimpse in the creative process. Oh, that's crazy
I guess that's a good idea for a podcast. We should podcast when we don't know we're podcasting.
Ooh, I think that would get us in a little bit of trouble.
We need a secret producer.
I think, yeah.
We need to get tapped.
We do have a secret producer right now.
True.
I'll take care of you boys.
The catamaran planet is in the building.
Cheers.
I'm so scared that I'm fucking this up.
What's like a trip?
Yeah, it'll be good.
If you fuck it up, it's fine.
Guess what?
If we laid down an hour fire and it didn't work,
we would just lay down another fucking hour fire, dude.
Yeah, it's nothing to us, dude.
Also, Ak, get off our fucking dick, dude.
Yo.
I'm kidding.
Ak, shut up, dude.
Don't bring that up.
I love Drake.
I don't know why he wants smoke
with Philly thoroughbreds all the time, dude.
He went at freak.
Now he's coming.
It's like, what are you doing, bro?
He's going freak.
Yeah.
He went at meek, dude. He went at king meek, and now he's, dude, it's like what are you doing bro? He's a calm freak. Yeah. You went at meek, you went at king meek
and now he's, dude, it's crazy.
I wish, of all the things I've ever gotten in trouble for
or brought up, that one hurt.
Last night, that one hurt.
I love Drake.
I have no, they're like Drake and Shane are friends, dude.
He knows, like.
I know, that's kinda nuts.
I don't know anything.
I also.
We were just back in our QAnon phase where we were trying to find we're trying to find all the pedophiles
I put out you for you. He got me hard with high school teens his fault. That was his fault
He also told him and also might be the best character ever domination daddy
the dude the
Dad who was having sex with just teenagers. Just plowing trans teens.
The ultimate trap.
That was a trap.
I know.
Domination daddy.
Did you ever watch before you, Katamaran playing?
No.
But I just want to say on that video I watched last night of you calling out Drake for the
paedophilia, I love that you opened with, I want this on record.
You declared that I'm calling it right now and I will need people to bring this up later on. I saw you when
you fanned out a battle. I've never seen someone so ashamed of something they've said. This
is the true remorse coming out.
I think that was the era of him with the stranger things lady.
It was the stranger things and euphoria.
Yeah it was pedophile.
Everyone was like I know it.
It was the red. It was a red scare of pedophiles. I
Saw a guy, you know, it was funny. I saw a guy on
Twitter X whatever come up with a thing like guys actually the law of consent 16 years old. So Drake's not a pedophile
I think he's fucking around trying to be funny, but it was you can't you gotta
Defend it like that. you go his defense of it
I swear I swear was in the in the within the rat beef him being like bro if I were a pedophile be arrested
It's like we want
He's like the amount of pussy I get if I was fucking that many kids I'd be dead yeah, it's like
Good point. I guess it's a fair point
Drake fucking rules dude. I take it back
Yeah, I don't know. I think he rules unless he's a pedophile if he's a bad goes for everybody exactly
That's a fair point you have to be so great yeah, you have to be Michael Jackson's greatest of all time
Yeah, or you think Tom Brady could be better. You think think if he wanted to be, he's a goat at Netflix,
so he's not good enough.
He's the goat, dude.
How many touchdowns he need, bro?
How many touchdowns he need to be?
The roast was crazy.
The roast was really fun.
That was, man.
I'm so glad I didn't do it.
Yeah.
That whole ride over, when we were driving to it,
I was like, thank fucking God. I'm not performing on this
It was so nerve-racking. There's so many fucking hot celebs so many hot celebs
I'd be so afraid to perform for the hot celebs. It did it did have you know that fucking dude yelling
When Kim Kardashian was getting she got booed
Which it was kind of sad. Yeah made me sad. That's like a throwback boo, though
I was telling you it was so hot like nine years ago
to be like fucking Kardashians.
Yeah.
It was just a thing you did.
I don't know what they were all mad at,
but I understand the logic behind it.
You're just up in the fucking, the top part of a stadium.
Yeah.
The most beautiful lady walks on stage, you're drunk.
Once you hear one person start booing, you're like, yes.
It's time to destroy her.
But anyway, at the end of her set,
she was on her closing joke,
and we just heard a guy from the rafters just by himself.
The whole room was quiet, and this guy just goes,
bitch!
It was so fucking funny.
Just the guy's corner, bitch.
It was so crazy.
That is a that's a wild move.
If he was with his like girlfriend,
just fast.
They got in a fight after it.
I'm so mad at Kim Kardashian.
His girlfriend's like, she's a smart
business woman. She's a bitch.
I've had that exact argument.
Oh, that's girl's number one.
She's actually a really smart
business woman. It's like, OK. Yeah, sweet. Yeah, we've had that. She. Oh, that's girls number one. She's actually a really smart businesswoman. It's like, okay. Yeah, sweet
Yeah, we've had that she her set she was making fun of which McCall it
Caitlin yeah, that's funny. She was slamming it was pretty funny Netflix really took off the gloves man
I don't is it safe to say the pendulum swung the pendulum
pendulum chime at the fun might have to swing back they swung it too far I
Mean they put a bunch of athletes on stage true former athlete locker room
Every single joke was just like dude, you're fucking gay. You suck dick
Yeah, and then they're gonna be like, you know, I suck your fucking dick
I fucking jizz that Kevin Hart made me laugh with that of him being like motherfucking white boys
I'm not sucking each other's dicks. The hell is this?
Goddamn
Yeah, there was I will say there maybe it is just me
But I feel like there was like a very sinister energy in the roast the whole time
I feel like it's like a I feel like I was watching for real like a
Like an evil like a satanic religion. It felt like there's I truly feel like there's like a entertainment at the highest
Entertainment at the highest level is a religion. It was yeah, it was very adversarial and strange.
And then I just wanted to say Tony was phenomenal and had a career defining, beautiful moment,
but it was such a cynical like thing. I watched it at my friend's house and I made them watch
Japanese no theater for an hour afterwards. Just I needed something pure and wholesome.
So it's just Japanese people walking very slowly
while a shrill flute plays.
Oh, and they're making these weird noises.
And then it's a guy with a mask,
pretending, you know, little girl mask crying for an hour.
And it was something in my heart cried out
that just like, give me no irony, please.
No negativity, just sad Japanese people doing something from 800 years ago it's
the only answer I'm sorry to have made no no please we know that's that's a fair
point yeah I always worry I'm like maybe this is just me because I'm like it
could just be pinging my own insecurities but I was just sitting
there being like there is something sinister in the air and I couldn't put
my finger on it I was like I for real felt like it was a black mask.
I was like, this is.
That's why I didn't do it.
I know, I was upset.
Even though Lewis roast, I had a lot of fun doing it,
but it's like, I don't wanna do that again.
No.
And those were my friends, and that's not even that funny
to make fun of your friends as hard as you can
in front of everyone.
The skanks roast was, that's like,
that is, the skanks, they're doing that kind of stuff
all the time, and it was fun, but I do get it.
It's like, dude, I don't wanna do that again.
And also, like, if you guys slam me, I'm gonna fucking spaz do that again and also like if you guys slam me I want to fucking spaz
I'm gonna spaz don't slam me. All right smile with tears in my eyes
I'll never forgive you. I'll literally never forgive you. I'll go out of my I'll secretly do bad things to you
Imagine if you were up in the day is roasting and then like somehow your pants fell down
and your penis came out and the whole country is like ehhhh.
Yeah dude obviously your tiny penis falling out live on Netflix in front of Sweet K, Sweet
Kim Kardashian.
In front of Tom Brady.
Oh and I've let things go a little too.
I've got a bush going.
That'd be chaos.
Do you really?
Yeah.
I don't even, I must have a bush
because I haven't cut it in a while.
That's awesome.
Yeah, I got a bush.
If you could have a bushy old penis on that.
A bush, tiny bird.
That would be the most.
Hey, Robert Crafts here.
Oh shit, my penis.
Oh, my tiny penis.
It's good to see Robert Crafts. Oh shit my penis. Oh, I take it is he Robert Kraft fucking shit
Oh crap. Oh, yeah, you gotta yeah, that would be it you fall down and Gronk trying to pull your pants back off
People told me that in the room it felt weird and drunk and uncomfortable on TV. It was sublime
It was good. I thought it was just lit. I think he spiked the shot glass. I'm told that a lady did copper face.
I was dude I was right there. It flew right into a later like a bunch of pieces dispersed and one just like ninja starred right at the table in front of
obviously sacrifices have to be made for television. True. True. True. It was a very beautiful moment.
True it was a very beautiful moment. I did enjoy watching the the reactions of like the tables in front of us I didn't there's like these guys. I'm assuming they're kind of all to do like industry type people and they uh
They were sitting there and anything anyone say be like like oh you got divorced and they go oh
Oh my god, they were it was pretty sick
It was a I was like sitting there like dude
Am I just am I like something wrong with me? Yeah, I would just feel I would feel nothing
I don't I did one Tony who started killing I for real was like, oh
I had the same feeling I had when we were in Orlando and I saw the modern architecture
Mm-hmm, and I didn't hate it for the first time. I saw the glass boxes surrounded by the palm trees
Like oh when it's done like this when it's at its top level this is beautiful and it's good for the
spirit and it's like I hate roasting and then I saw Tony do it's like if that's
what roasting is this is fine it's just that almost no one is doing it the only
other one I've ever enjoyed was Norm Macdonald being nice to people that's
very nice which is sort of killed it for a long time after that that was the
yeah it was cool I was fun it was I was fun to watch I for a long time after that. That was the pinnacle. It was fun, it was fun to watch.
I had a good time watching it.
It was very interesting, but yeah.
Yeah, it was fun.
It was long as fuck, though.
It was too long, dude.
First hour, it was very fun.
Great, fantastic.
But yeah, Tony fucking killed in it.
And he started it in the audience
and just slowly walked off it.
We were laughing about it yesterday.
Just a random gay guy got up
and walked on stage and just fucking killed everyone.
Just being a nasty bitch out there.
Dude, he, I, it was so, yeah.
Yeah.
That guy was gonna come out and do a little cleaning.
Spade, yeah, Spade was talking.
He, the kill Tony part like kind of bombed because yeah that
part was like quiet yeah and then it was kind of like oh no what's going on here
and then Tony just walked up and just yeah it was really destroyed it was kind
of weird they had to do that in that format initially but then Dana White was
like that was like Dana White was very fucking little pussies fuck you guys
that was actually awesome swung so hard dude fucking chimes
Yeah
Yeah, that's how Netflix thought it they're like one one for you now make one for me, dude
Yeah, true one for your boys one for my boys
I might do a special just me black and white with just all my jokes on little fucking cue cards
I hold them sadly and go
Maybe very good pretty tight 24 will produce it
You know, it's not easy you tired of laughing during comedy
Here comes another sack of shit
Poor fucking Ben bro
Affleck Affleck. Yeah, I thought he was gonna do it. I was like Affleck. Are you fucking leading the revolution, dude?
Are you cleaning up the internet once and for all?
That always helps
Whenever the internet's attacking you you got to go out and go you guys are fucking you guys are the losers
You guys are fucking bitches. It always losers you guys are fucking bitches it always helps
It doesn't make it way funnier to keep making fun of you. I know man
It's like dude your Batman idea would have that would have killed why didn't he do it man that would have killed come out
As he comes out as Batman being like you guys are fucking assholes Ben Affleck's actually the fucking man
It's not making fun of him although what he did was pretty funny being like I don't know why you guys talk so much shit on Tom Brady
He's so much better than you guys. You guys are fucking losers. Actually Tom Brady's a man. He doesn't need this shit
Yeah, there's like dude. Yeah, you sure this is about TB 12 brother
This is about BA one. Do people talk shit on BA one all the time
Gets crushed. Why does he get shit? He gets like Will Smith level kind of
pussy whipped celeb gossip
Like we're Will Smith. I thought they showed him it was like funny and relatable
It was like a guy he's like slams a door when she gets in the car. Yeah, but I mean dude
It's it's funny and relatable for you depressed and standing outside
Smoking you know sad that would be free if you for you. If that's your thing, I watch it, I'm like,
oh, it's hilarious, but he's like,
I don't think he likes that,
that he's like him slamming doors
and yelling at his wife.
Funny as fuck, dude.
I think he's funny.
Every comment's like, yes, this is a normal relationship.
Yeah, I think he's funny too, but yeah,
maybe he's just, I don't know.
The photo of him smoking a cigarette,
like depressed outside of a door is like
was a career comeback for him.
Everyone was like damn, Ben Affleck's the man.
Man, Gone Girl is the most beautiful movie
about being abused by a woman.
True.
I saw that, I maybe saw that five times.
I just kept going back and I thought,
I might be working through something
while I'm watching Gone Girl.
Like only the real, only he could really embody
that's what a woman can do to you.
I mean, also,
I don't wanna really speak on this,
but it's Diddy's ex.
So it's like, bro, dude, stop giving ex.
Oh my god, damn it.
I want this on record.
I reckon Diddy might be doing some weird sex shit.
I want people to know.
2019, on the record, I want this.
What a mistake, dude.
When my boy Drake's getting attacked from all angles
and then his number one fan, the clip resurfaces.
He'll be on the East Kendrick track.
Shangri-La set.
That would really, really make me sad.
Yeah, I do.
It literally flashed before me at dinner.
When you told me they picked up that clip,
I was like, my whole career is just to hang out with Drake.
I was like, it's over now.
You're still good.
You might just have to go in disguise.
Batman suit. You're still good. You might just have to go in disguise
These guys online are really fucking mean yeah Batman against commenters would be so funny. Hey stop
That comedians actually really cool. He doesn't make that much from his advertisements fucking lighten up guys
You know a lot going on he couldn't put a podcast out this week. It's a nice guy. You forgot the camera
Actually get a lot taking on taxes. It's not as much as you think that when they come down
Yeah, if he came out as Batman and defended himself it would have been the funniest thing ever
Just this is a good idea to like, you know at minimum have a sense of humor when you're doing a roast. Just minimum come out and be like hey guys.
I'd never seen Bill Belichick talk before. It's like someone walks in you go this man's
IQ is 50 points higher than everybody else here. He's he is.
Is that the impression you got?
I got the impression he was like one of the smartest people
I'd ever seen.
I loved him.
I don't know what it was about Bill Beli.
I've never seen him before.
I don't know any of his history.
I gather he was very good at what he did.
But he like radiates something.
There's some like weird charisma in him.
I thought it was just like charming grandpa energy.
I was like, he was just kind of fun.
It was fun watching.
Everybody loves.
He's like, there's yeah, it's very funny
His press conferences. He's got very famous press conferences cuz he never answered. They're like, what do you think about this?
He's like we're on to the New York Jets. We're not worried about what's going on with that
He's like we're on we're on to the New York this week
What was the game plan? He's like we want to go out there and well now we're on to the New York this week. Like, what was the game plan? He's like, we want to go out there and well, now we're on to the New York Chats.
You got all the fucking care.
Well, the roast, the roast is kind of a nice idea,
because the idea is to like have all these people come out and kind of like
expose their their egos to like a bunch of like negative insults
for like so everyone can laugh. But.
The thing that would make it tolerable is we only roast the ones we love and that's what they
keep saying yeah that's not it's like some lady wants a Netflix special and
she's got five people to write the nastiest things she can about a guy
she's never met before is it this is a very poor form of love true it did it
left me say like I was you're desolate I'd also seen the Fall Guy just before then and had also it was like two difficult aesthetic experiences
I just wanted to go and look at a flower or something. I mean like what was wrong with the Fall Guy?
Ben Knight was excellent. My friend Ben Knight who was in it man. He was so great man. He was so great
It was so Hollywood ghoul it
I thought my friend Bed Night was exceptional.
I hope he gets another movie.
I thought Emily Blunt was underused.
Yeah, and Gosling is wonderful, but it's just, it wasn't.
I don't know if they made it during the writer's strike or what.
Did they like do anything in the movie?
There was a lot of great stunts.
No, I'm talking about like-
Oh, sexually?
Yeah.
No.
Just curious. No, just yearning looks at one another.
Oh, that's not I like that. Yeah. About 40 minutes in, there's a dog who's an attack
dog who only responds to French. That's nice. That really kept me in the film. I was thinking
of walking out. That's pretty tough. I was like, I will wait. Then my friend was on,
I was like, Hey, all right, this is turning around around nice, but that's what it took. That's awesome
I'm sorry you had a double dose. We had we had some very positive experiences here though, dude Efron
Efron the man out out Efron. Oh, man. The other Batman's true Pattinson for sure beast
They're a lot of cool. There's been a lot of cool people. There's so many famous celebs in LA. I have cool famous celebs
We're very nice.
I met Suki Waterhouse.
You met Suki Waterhouse?
I met someone called Suki.
I didn't know who she was.
We were just, I was trying to bum a cigarette off somebody
and she didn't have one, but we just spoke for 10 minutes.
And then at the end, someone was like,
it's Suki Waterhouse.
She's a supermodel in Robert Pattinson's fiance.
I was like, oh, cool.
Oh, nice.
Oh, I have to shut up.
Yeah. Nice. She's very nice. Zac Efron. All right. I had a weird, I went over to go and say hello
to Zach Efron and I thought that they had seen me do comedy. So I would have an Ian
and I walked over there and I was really, hello, how you doing? And then immediately they're like,
Oh, I said, I'm a, I said, Oh, we missed the start of the show. We just saw him. I was like,
how fast can I walk away? There's no reason for me to be here anymore.
That was very embarrassing.
Yeah, that's the worst.
They saw me.
They're gonna realize I'm the man.
They saw something special.
We have no idea who you are.
We didn't see it.
We heard you did good though.
That was great.
I got to watch James bomb a cigarette
from Post Malone last night.
Fantastic.
Insane.
You're a Hollywood ghoul now.
You've become a big time celeb overnight. The Cabaret and Plan became just. Insane, you're a Hollywood ghoul now. You've become a big time celeb overnight.
The Cameron plan became just.
Insane.
It's out of control.
I watched him bum a cigarette and I pretended like
I was like, what the fuck?
There was a little bit of him and he's like, well hell.
I don't know.
No, it was awesome.
How nice is Post Malone, dude?
That guy fucking rules.
He's a man.
I've never's a man.
He's so cool, dude. Yeah, he's a man. For real, he's a very nice dude.
Is there anybody you hated so far?
Very chill.
I do not have an ongoing feud with any big comedians in America.
No, no. There's nothing going on. No, we can't.
Who are you fighting against?
We're gonna be able to, listen, I like Nate Bragazzi.
Yeah.
I like him, and I went to go and tell him
that I thought he was great, and he took it wrong.
Bragazzi was on McCann's ass last night.
Oh my god, dude.
He's trying to sink the catamaran.
How are we gonna work it out, Nate?
What's the way forward? It's over. Yeah, dude. Bragazzi's a psycho, he's trying to sink the catamaran. How we gonna work it out, Nate? What's the way forward?
It's over.
Yeah, dude.
Bargatze is a psycho, he'll never forgive you.
He'll never forgive you for that.
That was the funniest thing.
Is this still recording?
All right.
The best one, Adam sitting there
and while James is talking to Nate,
Adam goes, why are you staring me in the eyes
while you're talking to him?
Sorry.
It was, Nate's very, no you're fine.
Yeah hold on, no he did, he got me a spit take.
James spit-taked us.
We had to take some selfies for the slide show.
Nate's very good at doing exactly what he just did.
He talks shit, he's very good at making you feel
like he's seriously angry at you.
Because I think it's coming from
a little bit of place of truth.
Yeah, we're all just, we're all struggling
some way or the other, no matter what.
We all have an inner landscape we have to deal with
regardless of anything.
And when another comedian sits down and goes,
oh, I heard about you this year.
But you don't have to take that bad,
it gets like sweet.
Oh, of course.
That's the thing, especially with comedy, like dude, nobody knows yeah, you're with comedy fans. You're like oh, dude
I obviously people know but like you asked average people
I have no fucking no one for 99.9 percent of comedians the average person the average
Persons like I don't know yeah, but it was good and then James. Yeah, he walked you down
He did, bro he humbled you I got this
yeah I didn't know people would be there I thought we were going to I almost wore
my shorts I thought we were just gonna be in a pool drinking and then you're at
a extremely fancy hotel and David Spade was sitting next to you I don't know
tell yeah and then I ran away to call my wife and I was like David Spade was sitting next to you. Hunter Biden Hotel. Yeah, and then I ran away to call my wife
and I was like, David Spade's here.
Oh, that's the angry bum.
Oh, the angry bum.
Yeah.
So I got the, I got the DOS on that,
well, I don't know if it's true or not.
Actually, I'm curious to see.
They said there's this drug here called Zombie,
which I was like, oh, well, if that's the case,
that guy was on that.
Well, that was a zombie.
The driver was saying that this drug will like,
if you're fucked up on it, again,
this is, I haven't looked into it myself, what the guy was saying is like drug will like if you're fucked up on that again This is I haven't looked into it myself
What the guy was saying is like it just whacks you out so much like you can be he could have been looking at us
And he's like you guys could have looked like a building or like an animal to him
He might have just been he was totally gone. I don't know he was calling us gay
Yeah, yeah true
I've seen some stoner words than that. Yeah.
Yeah, true.
Also, he kept saying, don't,
he said, don't look at me.
Is that what he yelled on the way?
Well, I was staring at him.
Yeah, you were goading him.
You were goading him.
So on the...
I'm on the busiest street in the world.
Yeah, that's, on the walk over,
me and Matt were walking to the Chateau Maman.
Chateau Maman.
We tried to go to a pool bar,
but then we were like, oh, the Hunter Biden,
we should go to the Hunter Biden hotel.
I kept trying to bring up Hunter Biden smoking crack in there last night, and nobody would, everyone was like, oh, the Hunter Biden, we should go to the Hunter Biden Hotel. I kept trying to bring up Hunter Biden smoking crack in there last night,
and nobody would, everyone was like, oh, cool.
I was like, yeah, this is where he smoked crack,
and he'd be like, all right, man, it's cool.
But we're walking over, and there was just a tiny alcove,
and a, this scary, it was a Call of Duty zombie popped out.
Yeah. Just full fucking ra-ah!
Was like a little brick half wall,
and he just fucking like, for real, like maybe five feet from us was just like
Stood on it stood on the half wall, and I was like here. We go dude
We have to kill this guy you're gonna have to beat this guy to death you have to finally I've talked about beating homeless
Guys to death for a long time beating a homeless guy right before that guy popped out. You did put that on us.
He was trying to just watch the dog park
and mumble to himself and Matt was like,
I'm gonna fucking kill this guy.
Oh yeah.
There was a guy.
20 feet later a bum got out.
Watching the dog park and I was like,
yo, what if I just fucking crack this dude
as hard as I could?
And then we walked five more feet
and this guy was like, you motherfuckers are it.
We might have.
They hive mind. I was about to say, they had the fucking, the fungus growing dude. And then we walk five more feet as guys We might have they have mine
They had the fucking the fungus growing dude. You know, it's kind of like he got us
So funny to talk about cracking homeless guys in the head as hard as you can
But then on the walk back we obviously we walked on the other side of the street this time
But I just stared at him the whole time because I didn't know you activate and I yeah, I activated him that fucking asshole
I hated that guy who's so mean. Yeah, it was crazy. So I act I didn't know you activated him. Yeah, I activated him. That fucking asshole, I hated that guy.
He was so mean.
Yeah, it was crazy.
So I didn't think I would be able to activate him.
I wanted to try to use the force from across the street.
You did.
And I just kept nodding at him,
like slightly nodding from across the street.
And he was going like this.
He was doing this.
And I was like, damn, is he doing that to me?
I was like, oh, he's just putting a hush.
Finger to the mouth.
But I was like, I think he's looking at hush hush finger to the mouth but I was
like he's I think he's looking at me and I kept going like that to him and then
he was like oh there is we should see if we can sneak up on him today you
motherfucker fuck you ah I think he'd be down right away I don't think he'd get
scared I think he'd be he also might be sleeping for the next 14 hours
So yeah, cuz he that was dude for real
I it's it was maybe a shirtless dude just emerged onto a brick half wall four feet from us
So fast loudest screaming and like inching inching inching toward the fact that he respected his boundaries
That was kind of cool like wouldn't cross it was a dog
Yeah, it was a it was a thrill It was like a dog in the front yard jumping up on kind of cool. Like wouldn't cross over. It was a dog. Yeah, it was for real.
It was like a dog in the front yard
jumping up on the fence as he's wouldn't come out.
But he had the fact, I mean, cause it was beef.
So I was like, damn, the fact that you're really.
Oh, I wanted the smoke on the walk back.
For real, when he hopped up, I thought it was academics.
I thought it was academics.
I'm gonna whoop academics ass for what he's done, dude.
I'm kidding.
How dare you bring up my own quote that I said.
That I injected in it.
That I said, yeah.
The idea of having beef with academics is funny.
It is funny.
I don't really want beef with heck.
No, we don't want any.
I don't want beef with anybody, dude.
I want beef with that fucking homeless guy though.
Yeah, for real.
He scared the fuck out of me.
That was the most scared I've been in so long.
I had like dragging coffee too, so I was already all adrenal've been in so long. I had like, dragging coffee too,
so I was already all adrenalized,
and that hit me, and I was like.
Yeah, it wasn't even fight adrenaline.
It was different.
It was, I was so scared.
Yeah.
It was so fucking scary.
Yeah, it was, for real, my bowels was like,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, dude, no.
It's tangled up with this sweaty,
fucking homeless guy with a shirt on.
And no one helps you. on the street the two ladies
I mean obviously they had to we're the protectors obviously two ladies just dipped out ready
No one's gonna help I watched a guy get chased by a San Diego and it was so fucking funny
I think it's not touching anyone else the bum was not attacking anyone. He just saw a guy across the street was like fucking
Printed at him and the guy was just like, no way.
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
There's a gay guy.
There's a lady in Austin who keeps getting her tits out
and calling me the N word.
Really?
Yeah.
She stayed near the creek in the cave.
She'll just like, shirt off, tits out, hey.
And then she launches in.
But it's also, this is like the richest,
most beautiful part of America.
And so like, you know, any other country in the world,
those homeless people would be run out brutally.
It's such a free country that you go,
here are our billionaires, and there's a man
on some sort of zombie eating drug,
ready to say that he's going to write him into next week
I mean, this is a really interesting pretty nuts. Is that fly in Australia? Do you have like wild homeless?
Don't you guys it builds up and then we push him away to where the suburbs?
Yeah, we just wait until the hipster ladies are attacked and then we have an excuse to push him out
But it keeps building up and then coming down. Yeah, I
there I know of someone who has a restaurant and they were saying like
they're like homeless people are coming up like crazy and they're they kept
telling the waitresses he was managing he's like bro like leave him alone like
don't don't like like you just can't let him in like I know it sucks you can't
trust me a lady was like yeah give him shit and then she like went to bring a
guy like a burger outside in the parking lot and the dude just grabbed her pussy
Terrible but the guy was like I told you to stop fucking with these guys man
He was like fucking my boss I went out to like give you guys a food
I was like honking is trying to give the homeless guy
He just grabbed it.
I had one beautiful experience with the homeless in America before I got used to it.
I don't know if I said I was in Pittsburgh and there was a guy on the street who I bummed
the cigarette.
I'm bumming cigarettes off too many people.
And I said, God bless you.
And he said, are you a Christian?
I said, yeah.
And he just started reciting scripture to me.
And he had me hang out with him and buy him beers
for like three hours until my Greyhound bus left.
The whole time I thought he was gonna kill me.
I thought it was like building up to some weird thing.
And it wasn't, he just like said he was having a hard time
and we hugged and I got on a bus.
It was like, I'll never have that experience again
because I'll never be open to talking to a homeless.
Like after that one, there are about 17 bad ones.
But there was one beautiful one.
I'm happy with that.
That happens when you're new in a city.
Because I grew up there was zero homeless.
But as soon as I got to Philly I was just, it took me a month.
I was literally shaking hands with every single homeless guy.
Every single guy that was like, oh I need a little bit of money for the bus to get back
to Jersey.
I'd be like, oh well how much do you need?
You're like about 20 bucks. I'm like, I think I got that. Your family's in the bus to get back to Jersey. I'd be like, oh, well how much do you need? You're like, about 20 bucks.
I'm like, I think I got that.
Your family's in the car?
Yeah, I was like, holy shit, your family's in New Jersey
and you have to get back?
All right.
They got me every single fucking time.
Then you get used to it and you.
Yeah, a guy would hold the door for you in a 7-Eleven.
You're like, I'm sorry, sir.
That guy got me.
That guy on Lancaster Ave, 7-Eleven,
would get me every single, we knew each other.
He would be like, what's up, big man? He always had fresh shoes, though. He did, actually. That guy got me that guy on Lancaster F 7-eleven would get me every single thing. We knew each other
He always had fresh shoes though, he did that was the one thing I always noticed about him he did How was it good for him? He was the man that was a good homeless guy dude rule
I never heard him lash out really a hi-furnace pass every once in a while
He was a little nasty to me every night if I didn't have any but you motherfucking bitch
Oh, he would do that. All right. Yeah, if I were thinking of the same guy, it was an older black
Yeah, Jack. Yeah ripped not Jack's is more ripped on us. He's on that. Yeah. Yeah, he's on that hydroxid
Rocks actually he was fully on just taquitos
Yeah, he's fully on whatever roller hot dog. Somebody walked out and gave him he was on 900 calories a day
Yeah, 900 calorie a day diet
No fucking nutrition whatsoever. Yeah the
Yeah, I got tricked by those guys a lot and then I started to wisen up now like the cashless economy is killing the homeless
Dude, yeah, cuz it's like I truly I'm like I don't I can't do this too complicated man
I'm like I can't find my every money. I'm like I'm a ton, but I can't
I Man, I'm like I can't get any money. I'm like I'm a ton, but I can't I Don't like you don't have that you lack the technology for me to transfer my wealth to you, so I have to go
It's terrible. It is it's awful, but if I have cash usually I'll try to hook the bros up with some kids
I'm all the fucking cash. Yeah, or it is nice
I remember the one time in near I was taking a megabus from I think Philly to New York
And I was walking around like that area in Chinatown and these bros were out there's homeless dudes, and I was like they're like
Yeah, I was like dude. I'll go get you guys one food. They're like dude. Yeah, please
I gave him like the Wawa party hoagie two leaders dude the bros chow
It was that's nice. It was very nice. Yeah, and it was like a bunch of other dudes came
They started just chow the boys with a fucking hoagie platter. Yeah
They were like oh
Yeah, we could we could give that to the the mean bum
True hook him up with some grub. That's not a bad idea. Just be like we're sorry bring him to my mall
I should yeah, I should bring him to the show tonight. That would be tight
I'll let him go I will introduce the show sprint out from
I'm gonna bring him to the show tonight. That would be tight.
I'll let him go, I will introduce the show,
sprint out from the back.
You motherfucker.
From the back.
He comes out, fuck you, you motherfuckers.
I'm gonna bring him, I'm gonna secretly bring him
so while you're on stage I put him out on stage.
Oh, fuck, dude, dude, no.
There you are, you fuck.
Well, there was two gay men eating dinner.
They didn't even stand up for the cause.
No.
I was like, you guys, he called us,
he called us fags in front of you.
It was fun for everybody other than us.
They were kind of like.
I'd be so happy if it, you know,
I've seen it happen to someone else
and it's so fucking funny.
Well, it's also, they were older gay gentlemen,
so it's gotta be kind of like an ironic twist
to watch like two obviously deeply heterosexual men
walking down the street. Two sick fucking fat bros.
Just be called fags, and get attacked,
and them just being like, hmm, it's not that fun.
They were literally at a pink bench.
They were sitting at a gay table.
I was like, all right.
Yeah, you'd think they were a gay in our defense.
But no, it's funny to watch, obviously,
again, like two just heterosexual alphas
just being called gay.
They must be like hilarious Matt
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Don't shine on my penis
off this. Don't shine on my penis. James. James. James. Put that hawker away. The pool was crazy, too. I was I was
I was having like really I was really confused in the pool
because I was like, dude, are our heterosexual guys a
spectacle? Yeah, we are a spectacle here to get. It was
all gay men at the pool
Just hot hot women in bikinis. Yes, and gay dudes oiled up in speedos. Yeah, and then four fucking
pasty idiots Jumping in a three-foot pool breath holding contest. That's holding contest wrestling seeing who could swim backwards screaming
Yeah, but I swear to God. I was like our gay guy like two things
I thought gay guys had more fun than straight guys
Then I started going I don't think so I think in the pool. I was like we're having way more fun
You can I think silly yeah, yeah guys pretty silly too
They can't be silly the pool, but they I think they're silly later at night. I think it's 2 a.m.. They're all
They can't be silly the pool, but they I think they're silly later at night. I think it's 2 a.m. They're all silly
It's such a game I
Don't know why I I I tucked my shirt in when I was walking to your hotel. I felt comfortable I thought like you know I I would never usually tuck my shirt in but as I'm on this little walk
I think I'm gonna tuck my shirt in I
Don't know what I was like, I'm proud of my body.
I'm trying to tuck.
And then when I got to the hotel and you were like,
Spades here, I was like, fuck,
I'm tucking the shirt immediately.
I would have been awesome if you walked in
with a tucked in shirt.
Can I see you, is this the,
tucked in, we've become Hollywood fucking ghoul why just making him know I'm a close pants
Let me uh, I'm gonna get some good footage for a slide show here. This is gonna be a good you look good like that
There's nothing wrong with that at all that's a little too high that is nice like a 49er
Gold mine
Good dude. You know you look like an architect. You look good like that. Yeah, dude. That's I'm happy
West but we're in West Beverly Hills is West Hollywood happily West Hollywood fucking
Gave you that experience really you know what dude there's so many gay guys around. I'm gonna tuck my shirt
I get it. I actually get it. Oh you mean like you're not ashamed of your body
It feels accepting
Not sexually
I'm exploring new parts of myself. Not sexually.
No, just the tuck.
Ew.
Yeah.
James?
I might talk, I might talk too tonight.
You talk sometimes.
I talk, I'm saying I might talk sometimes.
I might talk my dong, dude.
Yeah, you're dicking around.
Yeah, I might talk my dong.
When I was a boy, I tried, you know, 10 out of G-Po.
What happens when you talk?
The penis is too forward.
I can't get the penis under the legs.
Are you like a boner?
No, I mean even flaccid as they come, I can't get every...
I think maybe it sits just like half an inch too high up.
I can't get it behind the legs.
Can you get it behind the legs?
Yeah. I have a tiny penis.
I can get my penis behind my legs.
I'd make a terrible drag queen. It just feels very uncomfortable.
Well, you have a gigantic penis that's always poking out of your pants.
No, it's not true.
It's all, nah, it's all optics.
It's all optics.
Yeah, you're like,
James, those sweatpants have drawstrings.
You know, it turns out, yeah, actually,
it was just a fucking, just an elephant nose
in everyone's face.
You're like, dude, come on, man.
That was fun.
That was very funny.
The gray sweats?
Ever since we pointed out your penis and your gray sweatpants. I haven't worn mine once
Yeah, then you go and they go well now now that we're all making fun of it
Everyone's gonna see my fucking dogs dude. I was coming off the plane
I was with Brittany is flying and like I walked out and she goes like oh wow
What are you happy to see me? And I was like I just came out two seconds. I came out half a second
I mean, do you look at dicks all day like I think that?
She was just start laughing. I'm like girls look at dicks all day long. They better not it's annoying
They better not I hate it changes a lot of things for me. Yeah, man
Although it's like I think it's just about the way you move
If you move if you have the tiniest on display, just move real good. They're like, oh hell yeah, they like the way you move
That's what I tell myself all the time
I like it's all about the way it moves about the motion in the ocean if your tiny penis is sticking out of your fucking
Sweatpants, I don't matter if you have a tiny penis and you're in West Hollywood where everybody has a gay giant cock
Yes, talk your shirt in dude. Everyone do their homeless guy with a monster cock
You've seen those boys jacking off before right? No, dude
I've caught I've caught a couple of these guys every single time
a homeless guy is jacking off really it's
Comically big yeah past this guy was just in a phone booth in New York. I was like oh nice
They still have phone booths. I looked in
Dick in his knee like ah
And I was honestly this is true
I was walking with a girl at the time and I was honestly like holy shit
This is embarrassing now. She's seen the biggest dick of all time
We were walking what I was with a homeless man jacking off in a phone booth. We all are coming Superman. We all are
Here's transferring. I'm just on the outside like I'm next
Come on taking forever. Yeah, we saw a guy peeing one time huge dick and pretty sick. Oh my god. He's peeing
I'm like, alright, yeah, we know he's been yeah, stop looking at his fucking giant giant. Come on. That's just upsetting
I'm like, yeah, come on. Yeah, of course. It's giant peeing dick
Streams is the stream is probably ripping some river
fuck
probably rip into a river. Fuck dude.
Fuck.
You got a big penis, you should have a loose stream.
You know, because you got a big penis, big urethra,
no pressure.
Or it should just dribble out, no?
That's what you're saying.
Yeah.
It's the small penis that can really shoot up
and win those competitions as a school boy.
It's a sold off, it's a sold off, bro.
You got that sold off shotgun, comes flying out. But no bro. Yeah, that's all it off shotgun comes flying out, but no I think a
Yeah, the big I don't know I'd have to try to think every time I pee. It's probably it's pretty slow
It's pretty slow pretty
I don't think it comes out of me actually I think just falls out of my butt is my dick so big
But yeah the week's been fun though, man.
It's been a very, very fun time.
Yeah.
Doing stand up and being in sunny California.
I got to walk around today, it was very nice.
Sunny California is very nice.
It is, very sweet.
Spread the libs and fucking ruined it.
Not after the roast.
Not after the roast.
The roast is bringing it back, dude.
There's gonna be a Republican governor here shortly.
Wasn't there apparently, the mayor was close?
That's what I was hearing yesterday.
Yeah.
The mayor was almost a Republican.
There was a guy who, he was a Democrat,
but he was like tough on crime and shit.
Oh, okay.
So he wasn't, he was a damn.
He almost got it, yeah.
I think he's a damn, I think he'd have to be here.
Yeah, I would assume so.
Repub's more Orange County.
But, shit.
But what else, man?
What else is going on?
Nothing, everything's just been cool, so.
I know.
It's kinda hard to talk about.
I know, it is tough.
I think I've.
Oh, the premiere was fucking great.
That was awesome.
Tyra's premiere was awesome.
That made me so happy.
Made me so happy.
It's way different than comedy.
Yeah, watch it.
Like doing standup, you get a laugh
and you're like, yeah, whatever,
fuck, I gotta do the next joke, fuck.
Yeah, you're almost huck Finn in your own funeral.
Like you're sitting there watching yourself on screen
and then watching people react to you.
It's pretty nuts.
Yeah, it was awesome.
Made me the happiest I've been in a while
when Gerben got on, like all that.
It was so fun.
We made Gerben give a speech before, we had dinner before the premiere,
and a guy from Netflix gave a speech,
and then I was like, you have to make Steve.
And he was like, all right.
And I was like, call him the big star,
call him the Netflix's next big thing.
And he did that, and he was like,
you're Netflix's next big thing.
And he was like, did Shane tell you to say this?
And then he was like, you gotta give a speech, Steve.
And he was like, well, Shane should give the speech.
I'm not giving a speech.
I was like, Steve, stop being rude, dude.
You're the number one superstar.
Please give the speech.
And then he gave a very, very nice speech,
and I had to say shut up, because I was starting to cry.
I was like, dude, shut the fuck up.
That's really sweet.
Yeah, it was really nice.
Gerben is an absolute fucking treat. He's the best it was it was also
Dude, I it's
Yes, he's a bud light company man company man. He's been drinking three Bud lights a night
Cuz we went out in Westchester when we were filming and he was like we'd be out
He had three beers in like for real three hours. Yeah, and he was like, I'm too drunk and I was like
for real three hours. And he was like, I'm too drunk.
And I was like, physically you can't.
Your body would have metabolized all that.
It's literally zero, if you had a breathalyzer
you'd blow a 0.01 right now.
There's nothing in you.
And he's like, I'm telling you, I just get too drunk.
So I think he felt bad, now he's been training.
He's been drinking three Bud Lights a night
to be like, you're right, it feels so good.
He loves it.
He gets down and dude, he's becoming a man.
He is, he golfs during the day
and then he drinks Bud Light and watches.
He watches the Phillies every day now.
That's so sick.
He drinks Bud Light and watches the Phills.
And he's jacked, dude.
And he got jacked.
He's fucking ripped.
Gurvies is a man now.
That's awesome.
It's crazy.
He became a man, all because he got,
he drank three beers.
He's a company
You have three beers watch the Phillies
Drinking moderately is very nice. If you can do it you drink three drinks. It's nice
Presipice last night. Yeah, I saw you dip out. I was I was like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah I mean it was still it was late. It wasn't even that it was like one
Yeah, it wasn't it wasn't too bad. Yeah, I I wanted to go to bed way earlier, and I just had the late coffee fun now seven too much fun
I was skateboarding last night. Yeah with that yeah
Shum terrible of names
It was eating five ants obviously who wears a helmet and wrist guards which is the funniest thing or a helmet and wrist guard
He just started skateboarding like three days ago. Who was the one comic we walked in?
He's like a Chappelle is the name Chappelle. I see black dude. Yeah, dude. He kept he kept it
He has a board in his fucking Jeep. He's one of the nicest. He's the man. So cool. He's a fucking male cheerleader
15 years. He's like a freak cheerleader
Obviously bass. Yeah, not the babes
And if you ever do flips and shit.
He's awesome.
Whoa, he can do all that stuff?
Yeah, he's huge, yeah.
Shit, damn, that's crazy.
So he was like a gymnast.
Yeah.
He's a, that's a giant gymnast.
Like super competitive male cheerleading.
Whoa.
Yeah.
Brittany was a super competitive cheerleader.
Every time she had the male cheerleaders,
I was thinking about them grabbing her butt,
I'm like, fuck that, fuck that.
That should be strong girls
I'm like even they grab you like yeah, but it's not like that. I'm like, it's like that. I do I do like the
Anytime like we were walking I was walking the other day and I saw a group of like influencer girls doing a tik-tok dance in like
An alley. Mm-hmm. And one of the girls was very very fat. Yeah, and I was doing a TikTok dance in like an alley. And one of the girls was very, very fat.
And I was like, fuck you.
That is nice.
Good for her.
When I was younger, you know, you see the fat cheerleader
from the opposing team's high school.
You'd be like.
And now I've gotten older and I'm like,
I respect what they're up to.
Me too.
Just going out there and going, I don't give,
they're tucking their shirt in.
They are.
They're saying that I'm in West Hollywood.
I can be fat.
Be fat and dance.
One of the first things I did when I came to America last year
was I went to a high school football game.
And the halftime show was incredible.
But I found out that about the,
like the skinny girls are cheerleading
and the fat girls wave a flag.
You got four fat girls.
Yeah, four.
The flag hits.
The foot they got called.
The flag, they're like the flag bearers.
Yeah, but like, that's funny that some teachers like, you're a fat girl, you got a flag, you're
hot, let's see your underpants.
No, they're like-
It's nice that there's something for the fat girls to do.
That section of the ensemble must have gotten a lot bigger over the last 20 years in this
country.
The flag's good.
It's like, you know when you're at like an outdoor patio furniture and there's that really
heavy base that holds the umbrella?
They're always the base, yeah.'s that really heavy base that holds the umbrella
You need a sturdy bitch to hold you do this is the pyramid that's how the Egyptians did it Yeah, we need big women big women truly are beautiful. It's just you know they have to they're also just hilarious
They're very funny. They are very funny very strong. I wouldn't mind
It's figuring out a way to
I wouldn't mind figuring out a way to wrestle larger women.
Just like, no, I'm serious. I know, that's why it's funny.
The what?
It was, what's his name?
Andy Kaufman was wrestling women.
But I would like, no, like seriously and very discreetly,
I'd like to like set up like a small,
like a jujitsu thing where I just wrestle like very big women
and just-
Sturdy broads.
Sturdy babes. Push them around a little. Push them push them around get kind of shoved around you see what they're about
You know, I think we kind of know that's their power
You need to test the power
Wouldn't be yeah, what do they my wife's I'd make my wife watch? Yeah, I said you have to watch make sure they don't get out
Yeah, this is gonna. Yeah, I know where this is going. What are you talking about? This is gonna be extreme fucking
Fuck what the fuck is it called I
Don't know but Matt used to jack off to wrestling porn
Years later he's sitting here going I'd like to get into rest
I'd like a referee there if in case if they would put their hands on my pants that would be called
He flagged with the referee be a beautiful woman
Yeah, yeah, that'd be fucking sick. Just you know I don't yeah, and your wife's watching cheering
I love you watching cheering scoring just more more so in my corner. Would you want her cheering for you or against you?
Cuz that depends on the day because if she's cheering against you and a big dogs holding you down and a hot referees like
I'll allow it and she starts grabbing you now. That's not I'm talking about physical fitness. That sounds like a sexual thing
I'm talking about physicals not sexual none of the way you're described
The way you're now you're that, that sounds a bit sexual.
I would like, it depends on the day, I don't know.
I'd like to have her in my corner,
but I wouldn't mind her, like, you know.
I'd have somebody who would also really love this.
Ew.
The catamaran plan. James.
James, you get worked up, dude.
You're a very sexual man.
I was, I felt, I felt like I was the biggest pervert because my before I fixed my Instagram algorithm
I've managed to convince it that I I've put on safe mode. I'm not getting any politics
I'm not getting any tits nothing
But the last thing that set me over the edge of like it knows I'm a degenerate and I don't want that part of myself
Out there was the breastfeeding women and I thought it was just me getting that if a woman would come out full nipples out
And then it was seemingly a child
People telling me it's a doll. Yeah, but last night it was confirmed that other people are getting this as well
And I felt it's not on me. It's on it's on the company pushing the breastfeeding content. That is the most distant like
It goes children getting blown up in Gaza and breastfeeding women with an actual child in the shot as the two most you can also
Do plastic surgery before and afters to a show tits
You can do a ladies like cut up
Yeah, they let those things fly but yeah the bright
But the mayor was telling me about the breastfeeding thing and I'm like, that's nothing to celebrate. Did you sicko?
Yeah, cuz you're it's a there's a baby. Yeah, it's like a baby there
It's yeah, yeah
Dude, you know it. Yes. Okay. This this I love uh catamaran content and there's
Sailing la vagabonda is like the number one hot couple who sail around the world
And they had kids and now they sell around the world with their kids.
And I looked at the Reddit and it's, you know, people go on this, she's so hot.
This woman, she's so, but to post pictures of her being hot in a way that's not
creepy because her kids are in all the videos.
They they've just like colored all their children out.
So you're looking, it's like her in a bikini and like a black shadow where a
child used to be. So it's like, this is bikini and like a black shadow where a child used to be so it's like this is fine
There's nothing weird going on here. There's just a huge chasm in the middle of the photo. Yeah, Stalin has taken a child at
Dude, you know, it's fucked up. I so last night whenever I can I could not sleep at all last night
So I put on a obviously no jumper
So I'm listening to no jumper dude, and they I forget who he was talking to But they were talking about girls going wild and how that was basically a child porn distribution ring
That was getting sold on TV because he was like dude. They were college kids
So they're probably underage a lot of underage girls
And it's like you just present this guy a fake ID and be like here you go
And he was like yeah, they were technically selling what could have been sometimes child porn on TV for years
Yeah, I was like damn. I never thought about that. Yeah, thankfully we were kids. I know thank all we was kids
Thank God we were we were kids. It was kids because they did the analogy or the it was actually kind of cool
He was talking about how MTV grind was like the face of it and then at nighttime
It was like those same chicks and they were just get hammered as a TV grind MTV grind
You never saw the shows when they like spring break
Yes
There's one people be bikinis and jack dudes would be like just fucking dancing and it's a black dude tearing up in jeans
Even as a kid I never wanted to be a part of that I
Remember watching those spring break MTV things and even as a kid being like that looks like shit out there
Oh, I want it to go so bad. Really yeah, I want it to go so bad. Really? Yeah, I want it to go so badly. I want it to go grind.
I want it to grind.
Yeah, I take that back.
Grinding fucking ruled.
Grinding so fucking sick.
Go to a party, being like, all right, we're gonna grind.
And it was funny too, because we went to a very small,
I grew up in a small school,
but we went to a small school.
So it was just the same eight girls
and the same eight guys.
Grinding.
Every weekend, we'd be like,
all right, we're going to a party this weekend,
just grinding in some kid's basement.
Be like, no, I'm sick, see you next week.
Grinding was so sick.
On the exact same girls, we'd all have the same girlfriend.
I know.
And then you'd switch,
we'd girlfriend swap with your boys.
And grind.
Yeah, I've said that before, man, it's like,
those parents that just let seventh graders down and finish basement and like check on them every two hours. It's like
Don't what are you doing?
Boy, that's crazy to be like I'm gonna it was like I never had I think I had a boy girl party
That's all I was like in high school and my parents were gone obviously so I shouldn't call it a boy girl party
It sounds kind of lame. I start partying my parents were gone obviously so I shouldn't call it a boy girl party sounds kind of lame. I swear party my parents
But there was a party. There's boy girl party, but there was like a
Remember the parents would just do that. It's like yeah, why are you setting this environment? I'll need all just get hand jobs and yes, that's the whole point of the party is you'd go into a back room and finger
Yeah, I'd be next you'd be next to like a fucking water heater just like huddled against it, just
getting a hand job in a fucking basement.
Those were the days though.
Yeah, I mean maybe it's a beautiful thing to like.
No, it's disgusting.
It's time I have a bunch of children have sex in my house.
Oh god.
I had the latest puberty at my school.
So I was.
True.
No, where it's basically a basement
free. We've got a lot of
backyards. So all of this went on
the backyards, but I didn't hit
puberty till I was like 17. Well,
so I was, I was the oldest
soprano in the boys choir they'd
ever had. So I escaped a lot of
this until university.
Of course.
Sublime.
I want to join a choir so bad dude I want in
Fucking choir be awesome guys gotta get out of West Hollywood. No, I've been I've
This lands tearing us apart. I've wanted to be in a choir before we need to go back to the East Coast
I was on beginning my my cousin was in the Philadelphia Boys Choir
Ajax
Ajax a nasty nasty singer bro.
He's a nasty singer.
There's something like for real that's very good about singing with a bunch of people.
It's very good for you.
I think it's...
When you're at the new mass
and they bring out the electric guitar
or whatever or they're playing the pre-recorded music
it's terrible. You want to sing with
everybody you're there. It's so nice.
Sunday morning all singing'll sing it together
Yeah, although the and the Austin Cathedral has a great mass sadly there is a
Went out to change my son's diaper during the the mass and there was a crack head next to my car
So that was that was exciting. He should have come in and heard the good word, but true
What was he doing to your car was he like it was just right next to it smoking crack and looking at me changing my son.
That's funny.
Yeah, that's unfortunate.
Yeah, I hate going to a church where they have fucking like drums and a guitar.
Yeah.
What are you doing?
Putting your hands in the air?
Yeah.
And there's some weird guy with his fucking button-down shirt tucked into his pants
Yeah, those I mean the churches where people put their hands up like I mean I'm obviously do hands around Yeah, there's a Roman salute. I mean I'm holding a microphone for the record mad gave a Roman salute
Why I was holding up my y'all's trying to yeah, whatever but yeah
So funny who was that? That was like it was a Roman salute
Was it was it Spencer Richard Spencer was that like a Charlottesville type
From the back of like a he wasn't even in a cool fucking Mercedes
He was like standing in the back of a Sebring. Yeah
Clearly a Hitler salute. He was like that was a Roman salute. I don't know why I knew it would think that
Yeah, what happened with the the frat boys in the frat boy pendulum did swing dude
Battled against well cuz everybody even if you're pro-palestine the the college kids are bothering everybody. Yeah, they're not helping
It's a shame. That is a activity
I mean there's like me when I went to college
It's like you go to the bar try to get pussy get weed
Yeah, now it seems like you must do public activism in some way shape or form which kind of that's kind of annoying
Although getting that active is supposed to be nice, dude. Yeah, you and a babe going home
You're like we did we made a difference today
Now it's time. We made a better world
Yeah, but the frat bros went after them and then but then it's just stoking it actually it actually looked like 2016 again
Yeah, there's a bunch of fucking dudes and like American flag overalls and shorts
Just Patriots screaming at minorities and fucking college kids. Yeah, it's not the move. It was perfect for the media.
It's exactly what they want ahead of this election.
That's...
The thing that shot the media, which blew up on X,
was the frat boys defending the American flag.
When the Palestinian protesters were trying to tear down
the American flag to put up the Palestinian flags
and the frat boys got around the flag
and were putting their bodies on the line to keep the flag.
That was beautiful. That should have been on...
Should have been on every news broadcast.
It's also embarrassing to do any of them.
It must be so nice though to be one of the frat bros.
You're just jacked.
You're all on steroids.
Getting drunk, you go down and get to beat up the actors.
It does rule.
I'm saying it's just embarrassing.
They're like, we're putting this one up.
It's like, no, dude.
Yeah, of course, it's all embarrassing.
But defending the American flag with a solid pass set is a dream think you're legally allowed to like punch somebody if they're like trying
To like mess the flag up. I think you're allowed to beat them up
Yeah, true that is kind of sick
It's just so funny. If you're not even aware of repercussions who cares you just down there
You're like sure there's gonna be a lot of news cameras, and I'm gonna look like a racist, but who cares
I'm in Delta Delta Chi right now. I
Can go down there and get jacked and push over some yeah
They've been like a big old looking oak floor living room like we're gonna do something bro. It's fucking bullshit
Yeah, you can't make fun of them because it's a yeah, they're just as ridiculous as all the other stuff
It's like yeah people are're just as ridiculous as all the other stuff. It's like
Yeah, people are taking in too much inflammatory stuff
My whole dude on my YouTube I try to like get rid of this stuff and it's non-stop Like can you believe fucking blah blah blah and it's like that?
Yeah, I don't want to see this anymore. The Bible quotes have infiltrated my YouTube. That's the best
It's the best of just a dude narrating the Bible and I fall asleep to it. It's fantastic. Oh, that's good
It's very nice. Yeah, I thought you were getting hit with like those reels
No, no fear the lamb reels. Those are nasty. Those are
I'll show you some fear the lamb. Yeah, those are nasty. I bet
it's always Baldwin from
from a
Kingdom of Heaven
It's always Baldwin
Oh, it's awesome
Doesn't matter do an hour on this and it will slide to the page
It's just a bunch of
sometimes the good It's it's just very funny. They they try to make badass like AI edits
This is what I get this is my YouTube algorithm now do not fret because of those who are evil
That's nice, it's very nice. Yeah, this is just now they got fear the lamb gear. It's about getting jacked and loving God, dude
That's what hitting my algorithm is jacked
Yo, anytime you go to the gym you gotta think of the passion of the cross you have to
That was that uh
That was Adam Devine's character from righteous gemstones of like he was getting jacked for Jesus. That's starting to infiltrate
Really of like, dude's getting jacked for Jesus. That's starting to infiltrate. It started in the 1900s, they called it. Really?
Muscular Christianity.
That's why people started playing sport in boarding school.
That's why sport was invented in elite boarding schools.
It was muscular, the doctrine of muscular Christianity.
Oh nice.
A good vigorous activity would stop boys,
because before then, the buggery was out of control.
And it was pretty bad afterwards as well but
sport offered us pleasant the poofy behavior had to come to an end
sure to get none tucking in I would say wooly wooly woof through is I think all
right but poof is definitely frowned upon the slang you have for gay guys is
gay poof the poof is a gay insult it's what's it is an onomatopoeia thing that sounds like what it is.
Oh really? That's not onomatopoeia. I don't know what is it onomatopoeia? That's what onomatopoeia is but what would Pufta be?
Well you know Pufta. Sort of sounds. Yeah I was gonna say. A little pink fart comes out. Yeah fart yeah I'm big in a muscular Christianity right now it's
so tight dude that's my that's real it's the it's a it is funny and be it it's
like so sick yeah getting jacked for God because it doesn't make sense to do
really much else it's like I'm not gonna get fired up over the news
I'm not gonna do this. It's like yeah, let's get jacked and think about the Bible. Yeah, what the fuck?
That's truly one of the best things you can pot like the best combination I do this for Jesus Christ in the kingdom of heaven
Damn
Right guys here's a man I Fear lamb dude, we have to get around Garcia fear the lamb ron Garcia. He's the fucking best
Yeah, we have to get jacked and Christian. I have it. I you know, I have a man now, right?
Go see he's the fucking best. Yeah, we have to get jacked and Christian. I have it I you know, I have a ma'am now right you've what pretty had a sir. I have a ma'am now
What do you mean? I have a lady who tracks all my I'm doing a five-week thing. Oh, I forgot about sir
So sir
So my my wife
She almost got tricked dude that she was fully in it. It was my so our her friend. I'm friends with as well
She's from Jamaica
So her and like her sisters and because of the friends from Jamaica had caught on to this guy
Who was a Jamaican like fitness guy? Yeah, it's like a fitness guru from Jamaica
So we had like this meal program you would follow it you'd work out you'd send them your stuff
It's pretty normal a lot like online personal training stuff, but the guy demanded that it was all women too
so we had this little like
It was like this like little like what's app of just him and a bunch of women who would all have to call him sir
And then like tell them
What they ate today, and he would like dude
He would like be real nasty sent all these before and after pics all the stuff
Yeah, this guy was it was crazy, and then he would just be like a little motivation
He would just send a jacked picture with his shirt off. It was some funniest fucking thing so Britney's friends like I'm gonna
I'm gonna do this, but I'm gonna do a fitness thing. Oh, yeah, go ahead
And I'm like looking at the threat. I'm like what the fuck is this?
She's like oh well he wants us to call him sir, and I was like what you are not calling
You can't call him sir dude so right away. I was like this is ridiculous
And it was for real like he would he would if anyone said like well
I don't know he would make a public display of them and be like I don't need that
This is what you don't do and he it was it was like a frills like a high-control environment
We're like you like calories anything you ate you had to take a picture and send it it was it was a fucking like cult
did you Meet the ladies no that was a fucking like cult did you
Meet the ladies no that was a thing when uh he was in Jamaica
Yeah, so he oh, I think he did meet someone didn't he like wasn't there like part like the final step is you have to?
Fly down them no there was
What was it?
There was something I remember she was going to Jamaica at one point
I don't know if it was before after I was like dude. I swear to God I'm gonna kill you if you're down here with fucking the guy if you're done with sir
But no it wasn't that but I think there was I mean dude
It was just ladies sending pictures of yeah, I got in their underwear
Yeah, and he was definitely meeting up with some of them who live down there. That was my one saving grace
I'm like, thank fucking God. It's thankfully an ocean separating us. Yes. Yeah the ocean is sirs
sir was a service a man that's a formidable opponent sir was a fucking menace, but
But yeah, no, I remember finally she I like was like bro for real like this is fucked up
You can do you can get another version of this. Yeah, that's not a psycho
But no, so she's ended up finding a lady. She's gonna. Yeah, she escapes her sir. She found a ma'am
So now I have a man. I'm gonna do a man. ended up finding a lady. She found a man. She escapes her, she found a man.
So now I have a man, I'm like I'm gonna do a man.
So I have a lady.
I love also when a girl that you're seeing is like,
what, you're being weird.
He's not trying to be sexual towards me.
And then a couple months later,
you were like, he's trying to fuck.
Yeah, before and after.
He'd be like, I told you.
Dude, it was like.
When I was dating one girl that would always, she was like a model an Instagram model for like for top photographer
I was like, yeah that photographer is trying to fuck you. Yeah, she's like we're going to the beach to take pictures and I'm like
Well, that's I don't like that
Obviously you're trying to fuck that for time. You guys are fucking yeah, and then she was like no a year later
It was like yeah He got drunk and told me he wanted to fuck me
And he I was like yeah, what the fuck did you think that was told you my brother Tom did the best one ever
Where he goes it was with an ex and he was like that guy's trying to fuck you
He's like nah he goes call him right now. He's like he has a girlfriend. He doesn't care
And he's like he's not like that Tom goes call him right now
And yeah, I would like to like hook up with you and your girlfriend
See what he says and I think she I don't know if you'd text him or what but she was just like I'm not doing that
Yeah, he's like he's gonna say fucking yeah, he's gonna answer. Yes immediately. I exactly but it was the normal man
Yeah, sir was like I think the falling out occurred before the trip
That's what I was trying to think but it was like he started just like any any little thing like what's that?
What's this do this don't put this seasoning on put this on dude, and it was it was fucking I was like dude
This is crazy, but now now we have a man who tracks all of our macros. That's nice. It's very nice now
That's fine, dude. It's I have somebody it's a a five-week program and there's a lady who will be like
Let's go and I also do I show off for so much. I fucking fast
You think you need dinner last night? I'm like, yeah, I don't want to eat any junk food
I want to fast for you mommy. I do I fast for my ma'am all the time. I skipped dinner
She's like you need you need to eat more. I was just like I just love this. I love a main babe
I just love the pain you fear the lamb
You fear the man.
I fear the man.
But yeah, I didn't eat dinner.
I just listened to Bible quotes on YouTube.
So, in case you're interested in that.
But yeah, I'm gonna try to start like freaking her out.
Just not eating for like four days.
Like, what's up?
Like, no, I just didn't eat.
You've helped me lose weight.
You should've probably just get scared.
You should've think I have an eating disorder.
It's like, well no, I've been chewing up food
and just spitting it out, so.
I think that is an eating disorder.
If you're not eating food, ma'am.
No, it's not a disorder.
I'm turning it around.
It's very regimented.
But if chewing food up and spitting it out,
I think technically is very, you're on the doorstep.
If you're chewing food and spitting it out,
you're off, dude. It makes sense, dude.
Because why do you have to swallow it?
Get the taste. Because you know the. It makes sense, dude. Why do you have to swallow it? Get the taste.
Because you know the swallow is the CP, dude.
It's so good.
You could chew up a chocolate bar and spit it out.
You would be eating it, essentially.
You're just not incorporating it into your body.
I've always told people this.
They're always like, that's weird, man.
I don't think it's.
Have you ever tried it?
I've done it before.
It doesn't work.
If I'm pigging on snacks and pigging and pigging,
I'll just be like in the middle of eating that I don't need this is be children go
Nice spit it out. You go. I won. Yeah. Yeah, I won. I got no power over me on my fifth slice of pizza
So full
I was I was close to hogging today, dude. Where are you? I got went to that pizza place
I've been how many slow-goers?
Yeah, I got two.
Okay.
Two plain cheese, and then was strongly considering
going back to the register and ordering a third.
You can't do that.
You can't go back up.
It might be pizza night for me tonight.
You can't get back in line.
Yeah.
I tried to eat so many times yesterday.
That sucked.
It was like.
Yeah, well we didn't eat.
I didn't eat dinner either.
We didn't eat yesterday.
I did not, we did not eat dinner.
So I had an email this morning,
very inquisitive email being like, what's up?
Oh, the man.
Man was like, I told you to eat three meals,
what are you doing?
I was like, I was trying to get away.
We fasted. I was like, I fasted. Fasted in your honor. We fasted in honor of Post Malone. I was like, oh nice. I told you to eat three meals. What are you doing? I was like, I was trying to Fasted I fasted fasted in honor of post one. I said, yeah exactly. It's a post one showed up. We can't eat
Can't go get a fucking taco where we at we should switch over. Oh nice. Oh nice. Yeah
Thank you. Nice. Let's take a break. We'll go over to the patreon. Yay