Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 497 - Jam The Brakes (feat. Sal Vulcano & Luis J. Gomez)

Episode Date: June 4, 2024

Watch Sal's NEW SPECIAL ' TERRIFIED' On YouTube Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Support Luis @ https://gasdigitalnetwork.com/ Support Sal's Pods Hey Babe and Taste Buds Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Go See Shawn Gardini if you want Raliegh NC Goodnights June 6 and more @  https://linktr.ee/shawngardini Go See Lemaire in Mass in August (no tick link yet) Get Merch @ mssecretpodcast.com/merch Good morning everyone. We hope you're having a good start to your week. The D.A.W.G.Z. are joined by two of our good bros Sal and Luis this week. Luis got into a fight with an uber driver, and Sal has a brand new spesh you can watch now. Check it out on his Youtube. Please enjoy. God Bless you. Download the PrizePicks app or visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/DRENCHED today and use code Drenched for a first deposit match up to $100 Support the show & get Lucy Breakers for 20% off & free shipping at https://www.lucy.co promo code DRENCHED This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/MSSP and get on your way to being your best self.

Also, I don't know you're fine. Yes talking about you say Adam Sam. I like I was thinking about this like I Met like these characters like if you ran into like fucking Billy Madison in real life. It's like The fuck away from me fuck like there's such hateable characters like ace Ventura. Yeah Yeah, that would suck to do that and just bomb to come on to a set Man that for Billy Madison the first one before it got big Nobody looked at him the way they look at him now. So he was like on set me like Like I hope this works

But it's so compelling dude, you can't take your eyes off him. It's the best. I don't know a new bad thing. I like it in Waterboy where he's like, coach, not only will I do it for you, but yes, I'll do it for you. Waterboy might be my number one, dude. He, for real, turned number one for classics. Yeah, it's tough. I'll tell you one I didn't complete, Little Nicky. We're gonna watch it again. We're gonna watch it again. We're, it's tough. I'll tell you one. I didn't complete a little Nicky

Yeah, I was obsessed with Rewatch oh, it's so first time I was like, okay silly second time. This might be the funniest movie I've ever really little Nicky the second time I watch it. I was like, this is the funniest move Was it the just Bill Walton just died and was it you a mayor that was like oh the guy from little Nicky Him going I'm from the deep south That's how I felt about Freddie got fingered Yeah, when I first saw I was like and then I watched it again. I'm like, yo, this is crazy The point dynamite did that first time I saw Napoleon Dynamite. I just walked out like what the fuck was that?

I watched it again. I'm like, this is a masterpiece Hell yeah Lafonda your mom goes to college Your mom goes to college What's the movie he did about the guy who steals the story He like writes a story and the writer steals it It's like where they act this the fantasy story out itself as you like changing the drafts the point the guys who did Napoleon Dynamite It's called um Fuck dude. I think you showed it to me. Where they're on like a different planet

and there's like rockets going off and then one guy makes the character gay or something. I have no idea. Oh my God. I'm telling you, if you saw it, you know it. But either way. I didn't really know him. After that I just saw him in that ice skating movie

Will Ferrell and then I never saw him again. No, he was in Benchwarmers. Oh yeah. Benchwarmers was good. Yeah, Benchwarmers, yeah. Anyway, what's going on fellas? I've checked out of that. I've never seen any of the movies you just did.

Really? Not one. James is gonna like it. Never saw Napoleon Dynamite. You'll get into silly comedies with James. No, he's too cool for that. You never saw Napoleon Dynamite? No, never saw it.

That's worth watching. Never saw Nacho Libre. Just watched it. Nacho! I have that. The Anaconda Squares. Is that where you got the Anaconda squares? Yeah. I have that luchador mask

because when I bought the DVD it came with it. Really? And I use it often to like hide my face. Really? Yeah, I'm not joking. Like when I went to- Just going into restaurants like. You brought luchador's here.

I just throw it on. No, like I went to like New Orleans with Mardi Gras. Yeah. To walk in the streets with that thing on, it was amazing. The luchadori? That's not bad. Yeah. That's fun.

Damn, did you get a bunch of tits in your face with that thing on? Not that I recall specifically. Tough to resist the luchadori, dude. Yeah. I'm like, that's some fucking luchadori. It's truly an alpha. Yeah. Yeah.

That's kind of nice, though, to just pop it on. How'd it feel to us to walk around and and it feels good. The eyes were a little tight So like they were like cut me off like right here right here so it felt a little bit whatever but it has a hole so I was able to drink through a straw and You also feel you take on a new persona. This is a gimp mask What is a gift mask? It's a Mexican gift. Yes. Yeah. You put it on and you feel like you people accept you in that context. So you just walk around this mask and people don't

look at you weird. It's just like you feel like what I can get away with some stuff. Yes. Yeah. It may feel like a real let you know. Yeah, maybe feel my roots. Was it freeing to completely just concealer identity and walk around like anonymously?

That's why every single Halloween in New York they have that village parade. It's like the biggest Halloween parade in the United States. Every year I go in full, I get fully anonymous and I just go and run around the streets. That's awesome. Is that blackface? No. Shane stopped himself and said blackface. That was a great moment.

It's an insight. It's a machine that not again, not again. How does it feel to have to constantly censor yourself? You pussy feels pretty good. Fuck man. Feels pretty good. Be honest. Sweet. Fuck man. We do it. We get we get like a sign up. She started working this bar was going to sign up sheet.

Pick one costume and everybody was responsible for buying it. So like we would do like we did like Gumby with a state of mushroom and we're just fucking chickens and then we'd go we meet at the bar take the ferry over and there's like 50 gumbies and then we just you're allowed to go in the bar, take the ferry over and there's like 50 gumbies. And then we just, you're allowed to go in the, if you wait online, you're allowed to go in the parade, it's just anyone can go in it.

So we'd go in as like 50 gumbies. How long is that parade? What's that? How long is the parade? Like to walk it? Yeah. I don't know, like, you go slow because there's all the floats and everything.

So you take a good like 90 minutes or something like that. It's awful, no offense. The parade is just a goddamn nightmare, dude. New York City on Halloween. Oh, it's the fucking best. If you dress up and go, do you participate? Doggie, no, I'm not gonna go. It's the best thing ever.

When I first moved to New York City, I would go, I'm like, oh, the East Village or the West Village Parade is the biggest thing ever. Dude, trying to get a fucking Uber home at the end of the night. But you're talking about getting an Uber home and you say the parade sucks. You're talking about celebrating it.

Yeah, but the juice isn't worth the squeeze is what I'm saying, dude. Trying to get home at the end of the night after that parade is awful. You ever go to the Puerto Rican parades? I was invited to perform at the Puerto Rican Day Parade one time. Really?

And I was like, you guys just, you don't know what I am. At all. You got invited to perform at the, why didn't you do it? They were on a float. They were gonna have me do my jokes. Do stand up on a float? And I decided not to. Now I'm an idiot, because I'm like like because at that time I was going no, dude

That's not what I do. But now I'm like, I'm a fool. I should have just done my fucking That's how you judge your parades like how easy it is to get an uber after I'm with you I don't go to them a lot, but I feel like if you did get into the fest, if you're with 50 other gumbees, it's an amazing experience. Yeah, that's kind of cool. Take over. That's really drawing a line here. Parade suck.

Right now, there's not a single good. I don't think I'd went to another single good parade My son wanted to go to a parade It's June You're gonna say there's not a single good parade There are some good parades Do you think the pride parade is good? They just got stopped by the Palestinian marchers There was a Palestinian

protest that blocked the pride parade in Philly and they're like stop you guys are done you gotta turn around the pride parade get out of the way all the white people in Philly and they can't they're like stop you guys are done you got to turn around the pride parade is like get out of the way like what the fuck has happened to our city this is crazy yeah the Palestine yeah they start the free Palestine guys were like turn around get out of here we're on a gumby suit you walk right past that's what I'm saying that's what I'm saying that would be the grand unifier gumby suit will work in any parade, honestly. You should have got wheelies.

You should have got wheelie shoes so you could. I had them. You ever try them? No. I want them so bad. You ever try them? No. I tried them and they're not that easy to do.

I was gonna ask you, are they easy or tough? No, I never really fully, I never did it, put it this way, I gave them away. I never got good enough to look like that little kid that's coasting down the street. Yeah, those fuckers flying by having fun. I don't even see those kids do it anymore the street Yeah, fuckers flying by have you get it you get it you don't yeah driving stick Have you you struck me as a wheelies guy or Healy's no, I never had Healy's obviously a rollerblader Do you guys know that I feel like if you can?

You're sort of just You're in the groove. Yeah, it's kind of it has a wheelie vibe. I want to get some soaps What are some more soaps there the shoes that had a grind plate so you could jump on when they're grinding around soaps Grind the chalkboard the teacher you just run out of class and pretty tight I know her to so soaps are net per soaps. Yeah, they were like it was for like roller blades Yeah, actually like you were sort of doing roller blade tricks with your sneakers. Yeah.

Oh, I should get those. That's a great idea. Soaps, wheelie soaps would be nice. Do they exist still? Roller blades basically. So you probably still get some soaps. You can probably make them pretty easily if you just slide like a plastic plate in the sole of your shoe.

Grind whatever you want. I don't think you can make them pretty easily. I gotta be honest. What would you rather do, grind or get air? If you're on blades. On blades? Yeah. If I could grind, I would grind rather do, grind or get air? If you're on blades. On blades? Yeah. If I could grind, I would grind.

You would grind. Grind, for sure. Well, you need to be able to get a little air to grind. I can't get air or grind. You can. But I would like to grind. You would grind before getting air? How much air are we talking?

I tried to grind. I mean, as much air as you can fantasize about. It's a horse of a different color, so. Yeah, I know, but I mean. I'm talking about like an 8-inch rail. I can jump that high and roll it. How long is this grind? Are people gonna notice? 8 foot, yeah. You got a 180 onto the rail, 180 off.

And I can do that. I'm capable of doing that. Yeah, you can do that. But grinding is just sliding a little bit. It's not that fantastic. No, it's pretty cool. I want air. I'd say I want air. You're an air hog. I like air with maybe a little grind on the cove. No, do grind down the subway, the subway on the thing. Come on, man. Shoot right into the subway.

Yeah. What if you just jump down all the steps? Well, how about this? I used to jump steps. I used to ride down steps like, do do do do. Like I used to be pretty good, dude. Really? I wasn't good at it because I like a Streets of Rage character. Like 96. So that will be airborne. Is, the rollerblading movie. I know what you're talking about.

There's a role of a movie called Airborne. I don't know if it's called. Is it? Everyone's called Airborne. It is. Or they race at the end. What is that the one where they race down the city streets? Yeah. And I remember like they didn't do real like tricks, but that was the that was like my influence. So I could like like they didn't do real like tricks. But that was the that was like my influence. Yeah, I

feel like do do do do do do downstairs. I couldn't grind but I could jump a couple steps. That's awesome. So you're saying air over grinding. I take grinding. I could never grind. I tried. No, no, I had rollerblade like this. What if you're capable, which you weren't allowed you couldn't grind with them. They weren't you'd have grind plates. You know, you're aggressive inline blade. I try anyway I try to do with like my fucking

No, you take out one of the wheels yeah, yeah you do you can you you can accept sorts of We got a fire that John or movie back up just like the end just ends in a race between us Yeah, street racemen. Yeah, it's Between the jocks and the fucking outcasts. Yeah. You want to have a lot of fun with a little equipment? Hardly no equipment? Yeah. Slide down a banister.

That's fun. Yeah. When was the last time you did that for real? I do it weekly. Are you kidding me? You know, often I slide down banisters, airports. Really? Oh yeah.

It's a lot of fun. You gotta be careful though. You can't get too cocky. Yeah. Yeah, no, I do it. I do it from time to time. When it looks like it's right, I do it. But I also have, I almost have been injured sometimes.

Well sometimes you do it, you realize that like, it's like, you can fall to your death over the other side. And like, I did that in Vegas, I was somewhere, I was like, dude, I was about to, I was drunk, and I looked, I was like, oh, I could just die, if I just tip backwards, it's over. Yeah, don't do it high. That happened at a comedy club. Like I mean high was like oh, I could just die if I just tip back over You don't do it high that happened at a comedy club like I mean high like high yeah Vegas escalator Yeah, dr. Grins comedy somebody was sliding down and they fell down like it was like in a mall and they fell to their death

You ever see those fail videos of people like sliding down the escalators like like the ones that go deep Just flying a trip and fly no they're in the middle and they just hitting the thing oh they get escalators yeah but slide an escalator is pretty aggressive yeah I like to go reverse them trudge up against the current that's a pretty tight move yeah I like running up an escalator here and there yeah people I'd actually help a it was a young Mexican boy I was at the airport in Denver Airport and he got separated from his mother his mother got on it

She started going and he was like, I don't know about this and his mom was like fading out of his sight Yeah, that's her chance you've heard of it Come on brother and just pick him up and just put him down like go to go get your mom and he was walking on it like funny It's a nice day ahead. It was nice. It's lifted young Mexican boy helping the boy I looked at his mom like do you want me to lift your boy? Yeah, she was just like see please Let me ask you a question you approach an escalator. Let's call it the airport because you have luggage

Yeah, pull stakes to it. It's the only way up the escalator is broken scale of one to ten How pissed off are you get? Oh, I hate a broken escalator if there's an article going down in the opposite direction I might cause a scene at the airport one of them works maybe it go up it's psychotic yeah well when you get on a non-working escalator I feel like it's like there's like extra gravity because your body's used to like freely floating so when you walk up to me you're like, Jesus Christ, it feels like jumping after a trampoline. They're tall steps. Yeah, but they're like,

They're tall steps. Sure, they are tall. But there's part of your body that's expecting this boost and you're just like, Are we talking arrival at an airport? Because now I'm furious. Right. Yeah.

Oh yeah, absolutely, absolutely. Look, Atlanta is the worst airport and I don't care if they're watching. If you're watching and we know that you are Atlanta. If they're watching, that airport, I mean, I'm gonna write a stern letter, because there was like five escalators out at one time. And I said, I had enough now, I almost canceled my flight.

I landed at JFK on the furthest terminal. You have to walk three miles. That's crazy. Yo, Delta at JFK is insane. It's crazy. You have to carve out 25 minutes for a regular paced walk. I'll stop at B-Dub's. I'll stop at one of those bars.

And they have the moving walkways. It doesn't matter. They do a 20 minute walk. It's a proper 25 minute walk to the end. Really? Delta, yeah. It's bullshit. Did you see my video that I posted with my Lyft driver?

No. Yeah, I saw it. You did battle again? I just want to show it to you. What happened? I just want to take a moment toft driver? No. Yeah, I saw it. You did battle again? I just wanna show it to you. What happened? I just wanna take a moment to show you. I called you Karen Gomez. He just does battle.

It was crazy. I'll tell you the story as you start to pull it up. It's on my Instagram. Wait, you've publicly filmed an altercation and you won't do the Puerto Rican Pride Parade? Yeah. I'm trying to get this guy. I'm currently trying to get this man fired. It's a crazy person.

Okay, I see you like he didn't. He's so crazy because he was like, Yes, I did it. He's a fucking crazy person, dude. I get in the car. So I are good. There you go. Just slam the brakes in a really dangerous way. I know. That was I know I don't. That was insane because I asked you if you have Waze. Why are you slamming the brakes over and over again, sir? Because you keep telling me that Waze is what you want me to use.

I asked you if you could use Waze. And you slammed the brakes in an extremely dangerous way. And I said no. And I said no. And you said... I didn't say anything, actually. Yes, you did. Do you want me to keep going or not? Sounds like children's song. I the way you slammed that brake just now was insane. And for me to suggest you using Waze and for you to do that, that's insane. So did you record yourself saying, I don't care what I said for you to slam the brakes like that.

It's insane. I don't care. I can't. So whatever you think I said, that's fine. For you to dangerously slam the brake for me, my knee to slam in the back of your car, my face to slam in the back of your thing. It's insane.

Did you record all that? Yeah, I'm recording all this right now. Good, well, record it when you slam into that because you didn't. No, I did slam into it. You didn't. You didn't slam the brakes violently hard? I slammed the brakes.

Yeah, why? Because I asked you if you could use Waze? Yes. So you slammed the brakes. Because you're the third person who's done that. You did. You did. He's done enough. You're the third person. He's not enough.

No more. He's having enough to hear what people ask him to use Waze. I have one more person I ask him to use Waze. He's going to fucking drive his car off. Why do you want him to use Waze? It's so bad. Because when I called him, he said it was going to be three minutes away. I drove to the airport, right?

Because you're the third guy. Dude, I watched him, he said it was gonna be three minutes away. I go to the airport, right? Yeah, dude, I watch him on the app. I watch him making the wrong turn three times in a row. It makes wrong turn. And now I'm like, now it's getting down to the time where I'm going to be late to the airport. So I get in the car and he puts on his GPS and I see that I'm getting to my flight exactly an hour before the flight. I'm getting anxiety.

So I just turn on my ways to see if there's a faster route because ways will give you traffic. And it shows that I'm getting there 10 minutes faster. Oh shit. So then I'm like, I was like, hey, and all of a sudden I was like, do you have Waze? And he goes, damn. So I'm like, okay.

And what's funny is I had a cup of whiskey, because that's what reminded me of the story of getting stopped at the airport. And you're yelling at him, he's a legal country. He's a legal country. He's a legal country. He's a wigs. And I threw the whiskey all over the back.

I told him it was water. At one point in the video later on, I didn't post this part, but he looks, he's like, what's in your cop? You smell like alcohol. I was like, it's water, sir. It's water, sir. I'm doing the interview. I'm taping this.

It's illegal. I was listening to him like, you're playing fast and loose with the rules. You're like, it's illegal to slam on your brakes like that. It's illegal. And it hurt hurt me it did hurt my name Don't laugh at me It hurt my name. I like that you got in that guy's probably just like for the last hour like one more person Fucking dare you dude. He was How abruptly and he did it again you can't see it there, but he did it again once I started recording and I was like sir

Why would you do that? He sounds the guy sounds awesome He was insane you're insane To rebut you but and think that that's a good enough reason I could show the Completely I'm taping you like you violently stopped car. He's like I did I. I did. I did like the fucking did you film it with New Slant? Yeah, because you didn't do that. I didn't do that. Man, bro, I got you.

And then he blew it on the guy. He's like, you're illegal. He's like, you're illegal, bro. You're illegal. Yeah, I got a little. Do you want to take action? I'm trying to get out of here. You need a letter? I got my money. I got my ride funded already.

Damn. And then they unmatched me. He'll never be matched with me again. But I don't think that's enough. Whenever I have a thing like that, and I get that mad, I'm like, this person should be fine. I always feel bad after. I'm like, I don't want to get him fired from his job. No, I kind of feel bad for him too, but he's actually a dangerous lunatic. If there was a car in the car, that's fucking crazy.

You can't just fucking freak out on people for asking to use Waze. dangerous lunatic. If there was a character in the car, that's fucking crazy. You can't just fucking freak out on people for asking to use ways. I think that's actually within your passenger bill of rights. Yeah. Honestly, you are right. Ten minutes at 10.

And then when you watch them just like Mr. McGee around, I've asked him before like, you know, what would happen back there? And they're always like, what are you talking about? Like the car avatar just spinning Also, it's just watching that car make the wrong turn was crazy

And then at the end of all of it after all that happened that I couldn't leave the car because I wouldn't have made my Flight so I had it's like kind of like like fuck. Yeah, and he drops me off at our rivals Me and gargay had a lady who was like, had her phone down in her middle console and driving, just put her head down, and she for real almost hit a homeless lady. Like we had to be like, stop, stop, stop! We had to yell at her, jam the brakes, and she was like, Jesus Christ, what the hell she did?

She had been looking completely down for like six solid seconds. And I was like, this is- Was it in Austin, where were you guys? This was in Spokane, yeah. And then like, I was like, I should. Where were you guys? This was in? Spokane. Yeah, and then like I was like I should for like a public safety thing like report her and I was like I can't yeah And I can't fuck it. She was like Marisol Fatalities. Oh and he was shitfaced and doesn't remember it Stood there and watched a guy get hit by a car. No

Hey, you're like his grim reaper. He was like, who the fuck's that guy? I one-starred my driver on the way over here. You what? Did you just make that a verb? I one-starred her, yeah. Did you? Why? Because when I got in the car, she has a shit car.

And I go to close the door. And I guess I slammed it. I didn't even notice it. It's just that you, a really light door, like on a shit like care or whatever. So I just go, and it slams like it's kind of hard, you know, so she goes, whoa! It's like, what's your problem, man?

And I was like, what? And I was like, what happened? She hit the door. And I was like, I was like, all right, what I was looking at, it wasn't even, it wasn't that abrupt. What's your passenger rating? My passenger rating is really bad.

Is it bad? What is it, please? It's gotta be, I mean, let's take bets, let's take bets. There's no way it wasn't even that abrupt. What's your passenger rating? My passenger is really bad. Is it bad? What is it, please? It's gotta be, I mean, let's take bets. There's no way it's in the threes. It's three points. I say three. It's nearly impossible to get in the threes. They'll kick you off the app, I think.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what, but I've had people hit me up. I heard like below like a four eight is bad. Yeah, that makes sense. I've had people, because it's just five stars for everything. You have to like get so many one stars to change that rating.

It's like crazy. Yeah, true true I you probably have another four six maybe no I got four point eight right now four nine four okay what four nine four four point that's pretty high dude but I've been better lately I left I stopped using as much as I was when I was in New York City I this is my rating bombed because I would always be running late. What's the mayor? It's pretty good. I'm the lowest here. What's yours? What is yours?

485. 4.8. Oh, thank God. Try to find me. Here we go. I haven't looked at that point. 8 8 is off. Yeah, I'm the lowest.

I wonder what the hell I did. I I I'm overtly polite. I never want to tarnish it. I have loved it. Happy to chat on mine. I think people resent that. I never want to tarnish it. I have loved the happy to chat on mine. I think people resent that. Happy to chat? Yeah, I just like happy to chat. That's actually a crazy thing.

It's the craziest thing I've ever heard from anybody in my life. Happy to chat? You choose it? He is happy to chat. I'm happy to chat. He wants to chat with us. You checked a box to let the driver know

if he wants to talk to you, he should. I clicked happy to chat. That's one of my preferences. Happy to chat. Just so you know, I'm opening conversation. I picked it the one time and never thought about it. Check the box to let the driver know if he wants to talk to you he should I picked it the one time and never thought about it beautiful American women I always ask them what do you American women I got some American women is not good man It was a you those with an uber that was like there's really good beers there Oh, yeah, we were driving past the place you would like I forget where we were but he was like point I like he's like that place right there is a good beer Like five there's like a regular chain restaurant. He's like, Oh, I love that

place. They have many good beers there. Happy to chat. It's nice, dude. They get crazy. You watch him look at the screen and they're like, how's your day? Some of them feel like they have to adjust like, Oh, that's psycho. You can be like, oh that's funny. Then you just ruin nothing. And if you really wanna be a psycho, you can be like, put in your headphones, and be like, oh. Oh, dude. I don't know, I'm kinda pissed I got a 488.

Now I'm kinda like, what the fuck? I thought I'd have a, I'm pretty nice. You are nice, but you're a demanding customer. True. No, I always tell them, how's the air? I say, bro, it's your car, do your thing. I don't say like, put it to rest. Yeah, I used to have Mission Below the Window.

Like, I'm always like, I play by the rules in there. What the hell happened in here? First thing, I established dominance the second I sat down. The fact that you're 4'8 is crap. The second I sat down, well it's because I take way less Ubers now. And now in the city, I used to just be in a hurry. So I would get in and I'm like, fucking drive now!

It would literally be like an emergency when I would get in. I had drivers- How am I, how am I? I'm like, driver's five above you. I've had driver's start crying. I'm like, ask them about their families. Ask Mike Finney about the time I made a driver cry. You did? He kept on making wrong turns, and I was like,

what are you doing? He's like, I don't know. And then they're like, it's going to be fucking insane. He was probably new to the country. Finney was like, what is happening right now? I strike up the inside baseball. I get in the car, and I'm like, yeah, I should drive lift. I know how it is. So I thought they'd hit me with like

four or nine. I thought I'd be like five, honestly. It's perfect. Or point eight. It's crazy. Although I have I've run late a couple of times. I don't know. I you know what? I realize what it just might have

happened. Not too long ago, like maybe a few months ago, I ordered this Uber. It said like immediately, right? It was supposed to come. And then it was like 10, 12, 15 minutes, this guy ain't coming. I'm looking at the thing, and I don't wanna cancel because if you drop it, then they charge you.

They're gonna go with the app and be like, we're fun, we're, so I'm texting him like, hey, what's going on? He's like, no, I'll be right there or whatever. And I zoom in because his car is on the map and he's at a McDonald's, right? He's at a McDonald's down the road from my house and he's there for a while.

And then he finally leaves and he comes to me. And I get in the car and I'm like, yeah, yeah, I go, I'm like, what happened? He's like, nothing. I go, you didn't like accept my thing and then stay somewhere? And he's like, no, no, no.

And then we drove back past that McDonald's. And I couldn't keep it inside. And I was like, bro, you were at this McDonald's right here. I know you were at this McDonald's. I said, I looked at the map, your car was there at this McDonald's. And I couldn't keep it inside and I was like, bro, you were at this McDonald's right here. I know you were at this McDonald's right there. I said, I looked at the map, your car was there at this McDonald's.

And he's like, no, no, no, no, I wasn't. And then I looked at his car door and he still had a fucking iced tea and the receipt was stuck to the condensation on the iced tea and I zoomed in with my phone and I took a fucking picture. It was time stamped while I was waiting for it. I have it in my phone. And my big plan was like, send the receipt to Uber.

Take his livelihood away. And then I decided against it. But man, I was fuming and I got a dental ice. Can you just are willing to cancel people very quickly? Considering how much we hate cancel culture, if you fucking make a wrong turn I will I if you make a wrong turn your move or driver. I will say that you tried to sexually assault me I'll contact you

Think how stressed that dude was coming up on the McDonald's Something you want to say I Saw it I was like, is this something you wanted to say? I saw it. And I assumed you were at that McDonald's. Oh my God. No I wasn't. I got out. I was like, I see the receipt. Sucked your iced tea right there. Alright. Not really. Oh, that guy? Yeah.

He's back in the middle of the street. Yeah, he missed a turn so he put it in reverse on a pretty busy road. Not really oh that guy yeah Yeah, you missed a turn so he put it in reverse on a pretty busy road you remember in the days like I don't see this Anymore, but they used to get in they used to be like would you like a water? Here's a bucket of candy Yeah, like oh, here's a charger like they used to really like want to please you now It's just like you might as well. Just be like I bet you they changed the policy. I bet you Uber doesn't allow them to give out candy. No, I got some Pellegrinos the other day.

They do that here. Really? Yeah, they gave me some Pellegrinos. Adam 22 got a fucking karaoke machine. Yeah, he had a. On the ride here. Oh, you had a karaoke in the back of his Uber? One in the afternoon, the guy's like, do you like that, do you like that, dude? Austin has that type of energy, that would be.

But I bet you different jurisdictions, because it used to be everybody used to offer gum, candy, water, the standard, and I feel like nobody does it now. Not a lot, yeah, I also like when they have a light that pulses the music. Why? And the light that pulses the music.

I'm gonna get in there and be like, where are the effects? I've canceled when they got kinda close. I might also have a 4.8. I've canceled I don't think they can rate you after that. Okay good I don't think cuz I've like been in a shopping center canceled on the guys and saw the truck creep through it was just like Finishing a joint and they showed up and I watched him the shot, was finishing a joint, and they showed up, and then I watched them sit there. And then I, it was his fault. I go-

I was finishing a joint when he pulled out one star. He goes, he shows up, no he goes, I'm here, and then I go, be right there, it's hit be right there. And he didn't know it was me smoking the joint, like I was off to the side. But he saw you as a person? No, he just- That would piss me off so much

if I saw the be right there and then the guy- Then he just, yeah. But listen, I'm smoking over here, I hit B right there and I just literally, immediately he cancels the ride, like a cunt. Like he just, like I was coming from the hotel elevator. Did you yell at him when he drove? I ran up to the car.

Dude. I don't even know what I was getting, if I caught up to him, I didn't know what the plan was. I was like, guy, how dare you kiss a woman? I saw that. I saw that. It made me so mad, dude. Oh, it makes me mad.

Yeah, it's... Around here, it's kind of, they get sketched out because when you leave the mothership and go like, north of it, there's a lot of homeless people up there and a lot of the Ubers won't come. They'll like stay two blocks away and I'm like, I'm right here and they're's a lot of homeless people up there and a lot of the Ubers won't come. They'll like stay two blocks away. And I'm like, I'm right here. And they're like, we're not going up there. Yeah.

They're like, you have to walk down. What are the homeless people? We're pretty chill here, dude. They're honestly pretty subdued. Yeah, they're very, they're like sick. Like I'm not worried about like, they can't hurt you. Yeah, exactly. They're like, we got attacked by that LA homeless.

Yes, that guy was- That was bad. Yeah, LA homeless. That guy got attacked by that LA homeless. Yes, that guy was- That was bad. Yeah, he almost. That guy got attacked by an LA homeless man. No. Oh, he like, he stopped himself. Scared the fuck out of him. He restrained himself, thank God,

but he got close to us and was like in our face. Big guy? He was pretty big. He had a big beer belly on him. Yeah. Yeah, but he doesn't give a shit. That's the thing. Yeah, we would have beat his ass, but he was-

He was a mad dog. He was not. He was dangerous. Yes, he was completely unhinged was dangerous. He was camped. He was completely unhinged. Any of the elements of surprise? He popped out of nowhere from a fucking doorway. He just jumped out, I was like, you motherfuckers.

Wow, wow. Yeah. So he knew you guys. So he saw you guys kissing. Walked back, I taunted him. Yeah, you did. Which is actually a pretty shameful thing to do. You taunted him?

I was across the street, I was like, I don't know if he can see me, but. He was moving with those. I started head nodding at him. And then he was like, I was like, I think he's moving his head there. He was like, what is he? You guys were like fireflies.

He stood up, he was like, ah! I was like, oh, got him, we gotta go. He did activate. You just don't wanna like catch the whatever, they're, in my mind I'm like I'm gonna beat the shit out of this homeless. Yeah, that was a conversation That was having directly but there was a ball is crazy on a fence. Matt was like, I just want to beat the fuck a block later, there's a guy you want a fucking fight with no I

Was floating more than I've mine who's what if I was like the guy. Yeah, it was high. But the guy was like holding the chain link fence, watching a dog park. And I was like, what if I came up and just cracked the students? We got what we deserve. The saddest thing I've ever seen is those things that used to have those bum fight DVDs. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Dude, that is so sad. I would say one of my personality traits is bump lights.

I love bump lights. Now you can't like that. I mean, like it. I love it. Come on. Oh, man. It makes me feel like it makes me feel like a bit like just terrible as a person.

No, that it exists. But it wasn't really. I never even watched it. It wasn't even fucking real. I never saw it. It was staged. I don't think so. What part is staged when I'm watching two homeless people? Bum Hunter was staged, dude. I'm talking about when they... So Bum Fights was a DVD and there was different subcategories within Bum Fights.

So there was Bum Hunter was like he was he did a an impression of Steve Irwin and he would dude... It's actually really funny. Like the milf hunter you're talking about? Dude, it was fucking hilarious. It would be at night and he'd be like on the train tracks and be like, oh, I think there's a bum right over here. And there was like a homeless guy just like sleeping. And then they would go and just jump on him

and like hop on his legs. And the homeless guy would be like fighting. And he'd be like, all right, we got a wild one here. That's crazy. Dude, it was hysterical. It's also dangerous. We got a wild one here. That's crazy. Dude, it was hysterical. It's also dangerous. You can get jabbed. But that's why I think it was all staged.

I think those guys just made it look. I think a couple of the guys were real. They did pay homeless guys to do fucked up shit. But I think a lot of it was just staged for like, before the internet was a thing, it was like, there's DVDs you would buy. That'd be nice to do a real deal alpha, like an internet alpha men's camp for homeless guys.

Like round them up and make them like stand in the woods and just do primal screaming. Yeah. Talking about grind set. You guys should, you guys should change a homeless person's life. Just give them like 40 grand a year. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry, man. This year has gone so quickly. What's something you're proud of in 2024 so far? Just the way I've handled myself in general.

You're proud? I think so. Yeah. Nice. Well, good for you. That's really great for you, isn't it? That's special. What's something you still want to accomplish this year? Just keep on being the best. Matt, when life goes so fast, it's important to take a moment to celebrate your wins and make adjustments for the rest of the year. Therapy can help you take stock of your progress and set achievable goals for the next six months.

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And here comes a fine print Lucy products are only for adults of legal age in every order is age verified and warning Also, this product contains nicotine nicotine is an addictive chemical You ought to cut it out guys are fucking around. I want to cut it out We're done. We're done joking around. Prize picks. Prize picks. Let's fucking get it. Prize picks is America's number one fantasy sports app with more than 5 million users. Whoa.

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It's tonight. It's Tuesday, but if it's not it's the first Tuesday of every month and then later this week. I'll be Thursday this week. I'll be in Raleigh at good nights Please come and then I'll be in Batavia st. Louis Indianapolis inapolis, and Columbus, please come, SeanGardini.com. Thank you, I love you, thank you. LaMari, you got any shows? Not till August. What's your website? I don't have one.

DogbreedinFed.com. DogbreedinFed.com. Where the hell's your website, man? Pain is in the mouth. Pain is in the mouth. Dude, you're a website designer. I know, I quit, I quit doing them. The fuck, you gotta design your own website, bro.

Yeah. It'd be sick. One, it'd be sick one last job. Yeah Thank you My neighborhood growing up there was this one kid that we grew up with that became a crackhead and He he it was unreal. It's not a stereotype. He would pop out of the bushes at the most inopportune times He was always around and you never knew when he'd come out of the brush I swear to God and he would just appear you sometimes you would hear like maybe hear him like always in the he's in the bushes And then he just pop out and he always needed a ride Like you felt bad cuz you grew up with him

So, you know you fell like you couldn't look him in the face and not give him a ride But he talked a mile a minute and it was a mixture of like you felt bad and you felt a little bit like scared. He was always like, dude, all I need to do, he was always tweaking. And he always just needed just to get right over there. And he always needed just a few bucks. And it was always because, you know, whatever. And I swear to God, I used to deliver pizza in the same neighborhood. So I would just be at a light, a red light I don't know forget it. I'll be in a relay and he would emerge from bushes Take it upon itself to open my car door and sit in to be like I just got to go through lights Three lights and I pick something up and one time I

I remember when I when it the first time it ever happened. I was like, oh Yeah, I was like, oh buddy, you know. And then I was like, I'll give you a ride. And as I'm driving, I'm like, this is not this shouldn't be happening right now. He's tweaking. And I just I did this too quickly. And then after that, though, I start to find out that happens to everybody. And, and then one time he jumped in, he takes me to this terrible neighborhood. He's I just got to go inside and get

something real quick. Can you wait? And my buddy was with me. And he runs into this house. It was a crack house. Yeah. You know, and my, and my buddy's looking at me and we're in the middle of this, like, it was like when it's like when Clark Roswell pulled off the highway, uh, in vacation and they take his tires while he's asking for directions. It just like, you could tell you shouldn't be there. My friends are like, I don't think we should be here right now. And

I'm like, well, what am I going to do? Drive away? I don't know. I just feel bad or whatever. He's like, I think we should drive away. And then you hear Sam go, go, go. And he's running down the block and I start to go in motion. He jumps in my car in motion and now I'm literally peeling out because someone's after him and then after us. And I'm like, this is fucking nuts. I can never do this again. But yeah, they do just have a knack for appearing at it. It is such a while. Even just delivering pizza in the neighborhood like that at any

different time because I would have to get out of my car and then walk into the either like the buildings or whatever and my car is a dangerous job. It is a dangerous job. I got to deliver your guys their fucking... Lewis is out there. Darv is out there delivering pizza. Yeah, so was I, bro.

Yeah, you too. Everyone here delivers pizza? I so was I bro. Yeah, you don't I know No, I never yeah a couple months. I deliver pizza in North Philly and it was like for real terrifying Yeah, labria pizza and West have a shirt dude that you're like He used to give us like many crime jobs to commit cuz like every pizza guy wants to be a crime boss I knew someone who was doing the robbing the pizza men at like with bats There was a guy who was right. I was always worried about that Yeah But but it was fun to like it was funny like my friends used to come just stay with me for the whole shift

And they can just drive around together But they would fuck they would actually fuck with me because I used to go into like I'm in Staten Island So I'm like right by right by Park Hill where like we was from and all that stuff. So I would go and I would go up to a house and ring the bell and they would recline their seats back all the way and put on 1067 Lite FM and just crank it. So all my windows are down, the guy opens his door and all the guys are hanging out and they're like just complete guys that would probably just like literally kill me and it's like Celine Dion is I mean

From my red Chevy Cabriolet station way I would like I would like crying laughing. Maybe in that would get back Maybe in there like purple laughing like with the seats reclined did they make you guys mop the pizza shop? Yeah, see they were like hit me with like it's customary for delivery driver to mop and I'm like I'm not fucking mopping the pizza shop after you're done? See, they were like hitting me with like, it's customary for delivery driver to mop. And I'm like, I'm not fucking mopping the pizza shop. This is bullshit. Folding boxes, folding the boxes. I did mop the full boxes of pizza. Which was a cut of a foxes mopping.

I got this, you ever spin some's off? I made some pizzas. I was so bad. You had to work your way up to become a pizza chef. I was terrible. I was decent. Did you deliver or you didn't? I didn't deliver.

I delivered catering, but our restaurant did pizzas. Oh, yeah. You made them? You made pizzas? No, I tried. I got buffalo chicken on the menu. That was pretty good. Did you really?

It's huge, bro. Yeah. Felt good about it. Damn. It was like, this restaurant needs buffalo chicken pizza. Who led the charge? Didn't work. No one liked it.

What do you guys, what do you tip a delivery person now, standard? 25%. Yeah. You just do percentage. On the app. Fuck that noise. Yeah. What do you do?

You keep them? Does it all depend? Depending. If it's over $100, $8. Under $100, $6. That's terrible. What do you mean? That's terrible.

It's a fucking delivery. It's not serving at a fucking table. It's worse than bum fights, bro. At pay 20. Yeah. You have less respect. That's crazy. What if it's a hot wager? Dude, than bum fights, bro. I pay 20. Yeah. You have less respect. That's crazy. What if it's a hot waitress?

Dude, it's $6 for a Gap Magarist. No, no, no. I'm not talking about delivery. $99 and you get six bucks. No, no, no. I'm not talking about at a restaurant. No, I deliver. Obviously at a restaurant you tip 25%.

20 on okay service, 15%. You reduce real fast on that one. Are you kidding me? No, I'll do 30% on great service. I was great. Okay. Great tip. But if I get bad service, I'll still tip 15%.

But then I leave a little note on it. Yeah. This would be better. I'm not cheap. You're bad. That's nice. Wait, but let's go back to the delivery tips. God, that pisses me off so fucking much. That's, you got to bump that up for the delivery guy. $8 for a delivery on top of the delivery fee, which is probably another like 11 bucks or whatever the fuck.

That doesn't go down. Yeah, it does. A big part, it does. A big part of it does. Really? Oh yeah. For Uber Eats, I don't think it goes to them. Don't get me wrong, these people are cleaning up. They're rich.

I'm sure they're having. Six dollars for under- I give them one song because they make too much money. Six dollars for under a hundred. So you ordered 99 dollars worth of food. Six bucks. Thank you. Six bucks.

People were giving me five bucks, six bucks back then. That is then that is a good fucking no back then if you had a Five-dollar tip Most of the time was two bucks. Yeah, it was three bucks was nice. Yes. Yeah, I would order a pizza and pay with like change Yeah, I didn't know you didn't tip when I was a little kid. Oh, dude. I didn't know one poor white trash house and they would send the kid with a bucket of change every time. And they would just fucking.

And I have to go back with a pocketful of change. Oh, dude, I never spit on the pizza, but I should have. Let me tell you about a story then. I this woman used to order. I hated doing the day shift because

it was not enough deliveries. But every once in a while you had to do a cover for someone. And I used to do, I hated doing the day shift because it was not enough deliveries, but every once in a while you had to do a cover for someone. And I used to do this day shift for a while and this woman would order, every day she ordered two slices of Sicilian with a can of cocoa, it was 4.95. And every day I would go and she took a long time to get to the door every day. She knew I was coming, she took her sweetest time,

it was like three, four minutes to get to the door, so I'm fuming, I hand to it, she would never tip. Never tip, not a cent, never ever ever tip. So one day I go to deliver her and she comes with a manila envelope and it's just change. It's like, literally feels like it's like three pounds and she's like, I'm so sorry, I just had to scrap together some change for this, but there's something for you. So I take the manila envelope, I'm like, all right, whatever. I opened it up, it's mostly, mostly pennies. I would say 90%

pennies. And they're all loose. So I go and I get to the pizzeria and I open the thing and I pour it on the counter because my because my I told my can we do a delivery minimum? He's like, I just go you know, whatever might have been even 295. And I poured it out. He goes, what the hell is this? I go, this is the woman that you make me deliver. He's like, this is 500 pennies. I'm like, yeah, he called her up on the phone. He goes, I'm going to have my guy bring this back. He was

just give me the money when you have it. And he made me drive the 500 pennies back. But that's what it was. It was 495. She put in $5. She took me five cents and went out of her way. And then you couldn't even keep it. She went out of the trip twice. She went out of her way to tell me there's something in there for you. And it was five cents. And so the next day when I went, I spit on our pizza. Did you? I did.

It's not really me. Never did it again. I wouldn't think to do it. Yeah, I really don't do that. I don't play that game. But I mean, that was a lot. That was a lot of abuse. I was taking. Did you spread it across? I did. Yeah, I that. I don't play that game. Yeah, but I mean that was a lot That was a lot of abuse. I was taking you spread it across I did I spread it evenly a sheen We used to we were we do this for no reason at all

We when we would go to the beach we would like get a pizza and then like pee on one of the slices pee on one of the slices and at the end of the night, I'm like, you guys want some pizza? The dude's like, thanks, man. Just some dude. Oh, you mean someone you didn't know? Some stranger for no reason. That's illegal. That's crazy.

That's like appetizer. That's illogical. When you get drunk, guys are like, hell yeah. We were young. We were like young kids. So we were like kids. And then they'd be like drunk older people. Probably high school age

Someone's mouth that's crazy Fiesta Cancun and And we like this is fucking just entitled ass fucking white people that came in and then the the Mexican guy was my boss He literally took the the pitcher for their water and he filled it with toilet water and then poured ice on top of it We do that to our teacher Alright, great teachers. I can you fill my bottle with water and my friend took it to the toilet and filled it up She was taking a sip and we're all like Just watched her just chugging it. Oh dude, that's like disease.

We put thumbtacks on my French teacher's chair. Choc-li-me. Ooh. Your friend's teacher's chair, why were you involved? French, French. Oh, your French teacher. You took French? I took French, oui.

Oui. Je m'appelle Louis, et toi? Did the tacks work? Pretty good. Oui. Nice. Yeah, oui. Oui. We we do the pay Louie at what did the tax work pretty good? We nice Yeah, we What he put on that pizza Come on man Good flash yeah when you were like devil on pizza like I had a woman show me no

I used to live in a neighborhood where where my neighbor was a prostitute and she would flash us. Oh, wow. And then she actually, I used to give her rides. I rode her to the hospital one time. Her daughter jumped out of a window. Cause her mom was a hooker. Well, she was, she was a hooker too. Her daughter was smoking dust and jumped out of a window. She's like, can you please take me to the hospital? I had to drop her actually at like the subway thing. And after she would like literally like blow dudes out of the back door of her

house. And then I dropped her off at the subway station she's like thank you so much you're an angel she grabs my face and just goes oh right on my lips and I was like oh god damn it yeah yeah I'll be back I'll be there around five o'clock yeah it was fucked up their landlord died I've talked about this before but like the lady was in the house She was just like sucking dudes dicks their landlord died So like someone in their family just dropped a box style for Explorer off in a vacant lot next to that house And then her daughter just set up shop in the Ford Explorer And which is deaf thing would be quaking her mom would be working the back there was fucked up Wow bad Damn, we call it biggie shorty. It was his old, what was it? Biggie Shorty from Pretty Tang.

There was this old woman that lived in in a neighborhood in Staten Island and she was older and she was known for blowing everyone. Nice. And she became a character on like Howard Stern and he was Special K. I never came across Special K. Sure. But people would go on like literally like, it was like a treasure hunt. They would have like a whole thing like, well, I think I heard this so she might live here. And they would like go around with a map just like trying to spot her to get these blow jobs. She would just blow everybody.

Yeah, like an older lady. And like, I think she even like, I think if I remember correctly, she would take her teeth out and she had a gum, it was like a gum. Really? There was an old toothless prostitute that used to live in my mom's bedroom. And she was my mom.

What? I had a lady stop me, I was delivering beer and a lady stopped me and propositioned me outside of a deli. She was like, she had missing teeth. And she's like, I'll suck your dick better than anyone ever hop in the beer van I was like 19. I remember just being like

Thinking about it. No, I can't do it. It was real. It was a decision tree I had it like kind of like am I that guy and I was like technically deep downside I am but I was like, yeah fight it. I can't open that Yeah, I'm sure you did the hard sell better than anything you've ever had and I was like, you're probably right and it's like You know, it'd be nice just in the beer van, just kind of lonely in there. It would have been awesome. It would have been nice.

It would have been awesome. It would have been, you know. You would have felt terrible probably. Yeah, so I would have felt very bad about that. I think the mouth carries more diseases than the vagina, they say. I can see that, especially some gums too, just no teeth. But I've never once worried after getting ahead

from a chick that I have anything. Transmitable diseases to your dick from? That's what they say. Gingivitis. You're eating gum. I mean, it probably carries more, but yeah, probably not transmissible. It's probably, it is like, is a mouth grosser than a vagina? Dude, an open sore? Yeah. Herpes, yeah. Oh yeah, true. is like, is a mouth grosser than a vagina? Dude, an open sore?

Yeah. Herpes, yeah. Oh yeah, true. I had a stripper spit in my mouth once during a lap dance. Dang. Hell yeah. She got an extra tip. I knew someone who ate a stripper's ass.

She got a whole nine dollars. Yeah, she spit in your mouth. Jesus. The total bill was 99 bucks, they only gave us a. You know what? Did you prompt the spitting? Or did she take it apart? Did she take it?

She took it upon herself. She took the liberty. She just grabbed me. She had you cased out. Fucking put her fingers in my mouth, the dirty fucking bitch. And I was like, ugh. Oh.

Yeah, but I swallowed it. Of course you did. So I got a weak constipation. You got to be careful. I might throw up right now. I'm not even joking around. You don't know what her mouth was on that whole night. Yeah, you don't you know You saw you think she'd think oh you get it. Yes. That was her thing. She was like I'm gonna spit come in this guy's mouth

She's like being on a pizza Yeah, we love the strip club one time my friend like bragging is like yeah I ate one of the ladies ass and we were like why why why did you do that? Oh, no, he was like we were he was like bragging like pied spuds face We're in a strip club with the Poconos and spade was getting real close to a lady's ass that was dancing How the performer about it it. Yeah, that's hilarious. Spud was like, thank you, bro. Was she best?

No, I don't think she was. She was backing that thing up on you. Yeah, it was the Poconos. She was a mountain stripper. She was a mountain stripper. She already had a butt plug. A mountain stripper. Dude, mountain strippers are crazy.

She had a butt plug in there already. She showed up with snowshoes. Yeah. A mountain, I've never heard that. Yeah. A mountain stripper. I thought Sp fun was gonna be mad he was he was like He does not mind. There's one person doesn't mind getting smashed So spoon man if I was getting a laugh and someone spit my mouth without me like I might die I was assaulted. Yeah.

Get off. Yeah. Have you ever spitting your mouth ever? Yeah, you go. But I had to allow it. Yeah, I allowed it. I didn't fight her. I go into anaphylactic shock.

I just pick. Yeah, I would have at least done 311 something. I don't know how I feel about that. Yeah, but yeah, about a girl who the stripper is a stripper spitting around. She very attractive. Yeah, right. It's different. I could handle this.

It's it's would you make out with a stripper? A really hot stripper? No, I don't. You're married, but I mean, when you were so even before I would. You wouldn't have made out with a stripper. I don't think I ever had a twist in my arm. I feel like. But that's that's crazy. There are people I was hesitant because I mean, I feel like. That's crazy. They're people too, guys.

What's wrong with you guys? I mean, it's like kissing a hooker. Yeah, you gotta be careful. They're not not people. I'm gonna have a bit of my act specifically about kissing and going down on hookers. Are you doing that? What, are you going down on hookers?

My act, yeah. My act. Yeah, dude. I mean, it is probably a pleasant surprise for them. Yeah, no, because nobody ever tries to kiss them. If you try to kiss them, pleasant surprise for them. Yeah, no cuz Nobody ever tries to kiss him if you try to kiss him. They're like shocked. Yeah They think they're pretty woman, dude. Yeah, you're doing Roberts turn a bad girl good Like you speaking with such like a big you like it sounds like you tried to so on so many like you've done research Oh, yeah, I like I do not make love without trying to kiss

on so many, like you've done research. I can show you, I do not make love without trying to kiss anytime. You're a gentleman. I kiss every time. Have you ever got turned down for the kiss, or they're like? Yeah, they're like, no, I don't kiss. And I'm like, I know, I understand.

It's your profession. In bed or during a lap dance? Oh, no, no, no, in bed. They won't kiss you when you're having sex? A hooker? Not every time, no. Yeah, you have to be the one. Won't kiss you.

Won't kiss me, yeah. Not you, won't kiss her. kiss her because they're afraid of getting diseases So they're not kissing their fucking Diseases they want to fall in love what they don't want to fall They kiss they're done they'll become your wife Do you kiss a hugger it's like feeding feeding a dog on the beach, there's never gonna go away You don't want wanna do that. I like that you go to beaches with dogs.

Yeah. You go to third world ass beaches. Third world beaches. You make out with stray dogs. You make out with just tons of fucking stray dogs. Are you kidding me? What does it make you feel like when you're paying someone to have sex?

And you go to kiss them and they're like I'd rather not. I mean I think the standard is they usually don't kiss. I have beautiful lips and I feel like I'm I'm a catch for a hooker. If a hooker gets me she's like all right you know what it's a good day at work. You're not like beating them and killing them. I'm not like no offense but like if LaMare shows up she's like oh here we are. This is my job. How could he take offense to that. You are, this is my job. How could he take offense to that? That's crazy. You didn't need to say that.

How could he take offense to that? Oh, Vance, man. You're a handsome guy. Yeah, dude, hookers would love to have to have a say in LaMare. You're hot. You can't take that back now. I'm mad because he didn't like Iron Claw.

He trashed me publicly. I said Iron Claw, 10 out of 10 on Twitter, and then LaMare coached me. It was public, it was a private conversation. What? Yeah, dude. It was crazy. It was crazy. He it was a private conversation. What? Yeah, dude. It was crazy. It was crazy.

He came at me publicly. Did he really? With the King of Beef? Yeah. Oh, you serious? What's a podcast for? The King of Beef, dude. You best not miss if you come for the King.

What number did he say himself he didn't just say that? That was so... That's beef, bro. I'll tell you what, that would piss me off. What? If just another comedian was like shut the fuck I'm gonna never forgive He was about Legion of skanks too. He was like what the fuck? Why are you guys booking me on Legion skanks? There was you know, yeah for a while. We really did bend the needle and mayor way too many times at this point

Did you put them they put you on skanks that we did put them on? Yeah, it's great. Damn. But you were tweeting at him saying, what the fuck? Why am I not on? It's how you feel about it. Did you respect that? Although it doesn't seem like you respect that type of move. I like LaMare.

Yeah. Sometimes just a closed mouth doesn't get fed. Squeaky Wheel gets the oil, baby boy. It's true. You know? How do you procure the hookers? Do you have a phone number? That's a good question. Go to eros. Sure. You know, how do you procure the hookers? Do you have a phone number? You know, Eros dot com.

That is the high end hooker website. Gotcha. And were you a back page guy before they shut it down? Yeah, but it's it's back. They call bed page now. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. That's a chain. But they, you know, Eros is the one where it's like high quality hookers. But kissable. Will they kiss?

You should include that in your profile. He's in the filter. He's like, blonde, she'll kiss me. No, that's it. They call it girlfriend experience. If it's GFE, girlfriend experience, that means they're going to kiss you in the mouth. Do you like girlfriend experience? What?

Do you get GFE? Yeah, do they cheat on me? You break up with them before they meet. The full GFE, you just fight them, make them come to your house. They start ignoring me, they don't move their nails. They're like, oh, I'm going to get a GFE. I'm going to get a GFE. I'm going to get a GFE. I'm going to get a GFE? Yeah, do the cheat on me? Show up there on their period That website is global it's like you get anywhere. Yeah, so how is that possible if it's illegal like in like New York? its companionship so they're just paying for their time for the time Dude, it's between you. Yeah, but the FBI hasn't blown that wide open

I mean that's insane like how could they still not take that down? They know everyone knows what's going on That's the mystery yeah, they don't cuz it's like It's a weird loophole where like you can't stop two people from getting together and like if they could like escort you but Like if they're in your bedroom, then it becomes like yeah, it's a good thing of trust Wow So a sting maybe is the only way they can Know yeah sting still a trap from WCW. He comes in You'd have to be a cop but then it's like Yeah, it's kind of I don't know and then there's that rule

I don't think it's right if like if like are you a cop if you ask? Yeah, I think that's gotta be that's yeah. I don't think it's right. Are you a cop, if you ask? Yeah, I think that's gotta be true. Yeah, I don't think that's real at all. They do ask that sometimes though. Are you a cop? Like are you affiliated with police enforcement at all? You're like, no.

Did I tell you about one time, about how I started getting like, did I tell you guys this on this show? About how I was ordering hookers, and then I would go to a town, and I'd like, you try to get like, you're trying to find the hooker that you want right? Yeah, send you pictures or whatever You're trying to negotiate get the best price time. Whatever. I know the plight

You've been talking with like five or six hookers, right time-wasting Yes, they're not happy we talked about this I don't know keep going you're texting five different hookers in five different conversations. Yeah being like hey, are you available? You're interviewing them fucking interview. You're just five different hookers in five different conversations. You're being like, hey, are you available? You're interviewing them. Fucking not interview. You're just going, are you available? Fucking Christina, you're available. Maxine fucking, you know, what's your rate? Send me a picture of it. Make sure you're real. Right.

So then you're the you might be wasting an hour with one bitch. Yeah. Right. So then eventually you set up a time with the one and you have your time or whatever. I never told you this. Keep going. I then I would get a text message like in the day from just some number being like, Hey, my name is Miguel. I work for the whatever whatever cartel. You wasted one of my girl's time.

Now we're going to fucking come and kill you. You have to pay me X amount of dollars. We're going to confine you. And you're like, all right, dude, whatever. Obviously, it's a scam. But then they send you another text message and it'll be your home address. You're like what that's crazy There'll be another text message. It's all your contacts. And what is it? Pictures of beheaded cartel experience and like you kidding me right now. I swear to God

I wish I had it in my phone. I deleted it because No, but what they do is it's a common scam what they do is they just look up your phone number and then they do Reverse yellow pages or reverse white pages and then they give you your contacts because you can just pay for all that stuff Yeah, right And then they're just getting like one out of like every hundred guys that fall for it and go like all right, dude Here's a thousand bucks If you're like a cheating salesman driving around like a merc salesman you fuck a hooker and they hit you with your contacts list Yeah, you're gonna be like fuck this. I need this go away right away

Yeah, what are the guy that goes home to his wife? I wasted Christina's time. I used the high-end sight and everything. I used heroes. Did anyone in this room get scammed? Did anyone in this room get scammed? Anybody? Did anyone ever get scammed? I was smoking weed with strippers one time.

They were mountain strippers and they fucking ditched me. They were like, we'll be right back. And I sat there for like 20 minutes and was like, I don't think they're coming back. Damn. That bailing you. Yeah, that's not skinny Sam. That's just they're not liking you. No never got scammed. Not like no Yep Here hit the mic bro now I was talking about the other scam Hold on get the get a microphone And don't be sorry you wanted to go to an orgy. Yeah, that's an incredible story.

How do you? How do you get to an orgy? You just look it up online. You can just find them. I think I thought you haven't found one yet. I haven't found one. No, I haven't found one. Orgy in my area, that kind of thing?

Yeah. You just look up the town and then like dirty R for R on Reddit and then like you'll find something. What's R for R? Redditor for Redditor. Yeah. Wow. I got goofed by a guy on Snapchat.

He took a picture of my dick. He took a picture of your dick? No, I sent him a picture of my dick. Thinking it was a girl. Yeah Yeah, and then he was like, you know from Patterson, New Jersey I'm gonna charge you you gotta give me three thousand new jobs dollars. I was like no Did he ever send it to anybody? No. Yeah, he did send it he did send it but everybody was like no I was like, you know you guys you guys can't answer that message. Wait a minute, who'd he send it to? He sent it to his Instagram contacts. Wait, what?

He followed through with it? I thought that was just a fucking, I thought it was an empty threat they would do. No. Good for you, LeMay, ever standing in your ground. You think they send it to your contacts? Yeah, just like the top of the Instagram.

Well, cause how do you get ahold of that? I have a person right now on my Instagram that's trying to scam me. How do you get your Instagram? That's all my name. That's all my name. Doggie, I just got like a fake profile. It was like, it's a chick only follows comedians. It's definitely some fucking

Reddit dude. It was like a picture of a hot chick. He's like, I can't wait to see his cancfest. I'm gonna suck your dick. And I want to engage with this person. But I don't know exactly how far to engage or what to do. Yeah, but I know he's scamming me. But I feel like I'm gonna get embarrassed trying to like play play into the Fake dick picture to send him my actual dick Guys, I'm covering my bases right now

Textful you have a phone full of messages like I'm exposing you right now Yeah, open your DMS because I wish I got the LeMare dick pic DM I know I want that and also I love the idea of you hanging that phone up after saying now And then laying in a dark hotel room just like what are those things called everyone was making those online pieces of art? NFTs it'd be an FT NFT actually go through with it You get the guys that are willing to pay you a little bit of cash and then you move on.

Yeah. But it's another crime, right? So at that point it's like now you're trying to scam but now you're fucking actually doing like a revenge porn or so there's nothing, that's like another. Yeah. But you weren't even committing a crime. No.

Right. The guy's committing a crime. Wasn't just a guy pretending to be a babe trick to you? No, I was just a worried guy in a hood. Yeah, yeah, well, that's the root of all evil. And was it, did this guy, how be a babe trick to you? No, I was just a horny guy in a hood. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's the root of all evil. Did this guy, how did you reach out to him? Snapchat, from Reddit, read it in Snapchat.

Wow. Pipeline, read it in Snapchat, pipeline. And that guy's not in Paterson, New Jersey. That guy is in India, probably. No, he's totally in Paterson. He was actually in Paterson? Why? I just heard his voice.

Oh, you talked to him? Oh, he called you? Yeah. You heard heavy machinery behind him? Yeah. Did you ever call phone sex, Hotline? No. I mean, we did as kids, just to.

I did once. Once in my life. This was before pre-internet, when it was like in the back of the magazines, and they had the numbers and everything. Went out probably in college time, whatever. Came home, bombed. I was up, and I was like, I was

like, I was always wondered about it. Yeah. So he had to give a credit card. So I have my credit card. I'm like, I'm gonna see what's up with this. So it was it was 495 a minute. So I'm, I'm just crunching the numbers because I don't have a lot of money. I'm just trying to figure out like, how long is with this be how much is going to cost, you know, and you dial the number and first you just get like a literally like a like customer service. You have to they take all your credit

card information. It's not like the person. So I'm just like they know why I'm doing it. It's two in the morning like, let me just get your all your information. And then they just it's like a switchboard and they switch you over and so this lady comes on him and she's like hey I'm like hey and she's like so what are you doing what's going on like no I just I was out with friends came home you know and I'm in my head I'm like do I just start like I want to get into this I don't want to be spending money on this kind of talk yeah yeah you know and so she's like and she's like slow rolling

it and I'm like can we can we like like go a little quicker here Whatever and then she's like yeah, and it's like three minutes in right and I'm like I owe this lady $15. I had no money $15 we didn't even get anywhere Right and then she goes oh and she starts like it's cheesy She's not like it's not like something that you're in it's like corny and then she goes oh oh and she goes oh And she called me out because I guess the woman like that like that the Transferred me like wasn't clear and she said Sally. I guess it so now she's calling me out And like I was like do I continue this being called out?

To I tell him my name is Sal Do like is this is awkward because she's I already let her call me out like three times and I answered to it But now we're getting in deeper and I'm like I'm not gonna name is Sal do like is this is awkward because she I already let her call me out like three times And I answered to it, but now we're getting in deeper And I'm like I'm not gonna be able to do this as she keeps calling me out But I already let her call me at three times so that was the reality you got to scream Discussion yes, I just hung up. I just hung up you gotta go You got a pregame you gotta start beating off while you're talking to the operator. I hung up I would say under phone sex under four minutes. I hung up. I got the pregame it. You got to start beating off while you're talking to the operator. Well, I hung up. I would say under four minutes I hung up.

I got the bill and it was forty nine fifty. They charge me for 10 full minutes. Oh, I charged like six hundred dollars to my aunt's phone bill when I was like 10. I got addicted to it for like a week where I was like calling regularly. And the way they would do it at this one, do they put you in a waiting room? Yeah, I was like 10. Did they put you in a waiting room with other, it was like 10. Dude, they would put you in a waiting room with other dudes that are all just beating their dicks.

So you'd be like, you'd see your guys be like, hey, what's going on? Like, hey, is there any girls here? I was making my voice deep. I was like, hey, what's up, boys? And I'm beating my dick. And it's a bunch of dudes waiting for the chick. And you're getting charged.

You're on the clock? Yeah, dude, you're getting charged to beat off with men. Why are you waiting for that fucking chick. I think I'm on the line. It was wild. It was like $600 and everyone knew I was like, it was psychics. I knew this was going to happen. I got addicted to psychics for a week. I was calling them at midnight.

They had to call the phone company and have the charges taken off. I got addicted to psychics for a week. I was calling him at midnight. Yeah, they had to like call the phone company and have the charges taken off. I didn't call. I paid it because I was like, I'm going to call back and argue this and give the detail. You know, like I hung up a four minute she was calling me. You got to pay that. Was I? Yeah, you got to pay that. Yeah. Never, never again in my life. Learn your lesson. You never got into that.

No, no phone. I tried. I tried webcam once and that's like That's that I'm that's dangerous. Yeah, how do you know they're not recording? I was just drunk I'm really like I back at the day there was like an only van chick she like I know I know the way it all works like I definitely just sent this dude. It was running Like I definitely just sent this dude. It was running a fan be just beating Turned me on to show my face Yeah, they're gonna figure out a way to like when we're dead our great-great grandchildren are gonna be able to like here's your

Ancestors total web readout. Yeah, that's coming Like something's gonna be like they have your IP address and there'll be a way to like Locally kind of like these AI to retroactive exactly. Yeah This is what he was into yeah you catch Jack to They'll see your whole history dude. My kid fucking fucks up. I get my phone sometimes fuck with my Instagram Now the algorithm turns into like shit that he likes. What is it? Young girls. There's nothing you can do about it. He's been on arrows junior. The algorithm seems like cats now. It's like cats and dogs.

That's a good, that's a good algorithm. It's cute. I'm off the algorithm right now. You're off the algorithm. Detached. They did try to force young girls on you. Like there'll be, if you scroll them, there'll be a young girl, like just a fucking hot dancer chick,

and you're like, oh, you'd stop for a second, you're like, wait, no. And then all of a sudden, they're all popping up, and you're like, oh, fuck, dude. You have to train your algorithm. I started clicking on Conor McGregor over and over again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You cleanse it.

Yeah. It's like, get away from me. They should make it a thing where they never show you girls under 21 if you're over 21. For sure. You know what I'm saying? They should just be like, the algorithm should, I know they can.

They should be like, we're never gonna connect. How do they don't do that? They're never gonna connect young women with old dudes. That's weird. Yeah. Yeah, have you ever been on a plane though and see someone like perving out on Instagram and like look over the shoulder

and it's like an older guy just like. Yeah, I've been that guy. Yeah. I've been that guy so many, drunk on a plane for four hours. Just. I've been that guy. Yeah, I've been that guy so many So an older lady I saw an older lady doing it with like a hunk nice hunk algorithms like a dude ripped and she just stopped And she paused and just kind of watched it for a little bit They apparently they say watch to your eyes are looking. Yeah, they can see your pupils. Yeah

Dialects you they they know you're actually more interested. That's crazy. Who wait? Who? Who's this? The company's big tech companies? Is that what you mean? Like, yeah, man. After studying where your eyes go? Yeah. What they study, they can like show how much you actually read. They don't have access to look through your camera. Yeah, your camera. You can take your recording you through your camera. And then they can take it and analyze it with AI

and what actually. And if you're wearing an Apple Watch, they can try to hear your. It has to be like that. Like the light goes on if they're recording. No, it's all day long. That's crazy. It's all day.

We're all just giving it all away, right? In a weird way. And I'm not a conspiracy theorist. I'm not going like, oh, they're going to use it again. But they can. If they want to use it against you, they fucking can. Yeah. You know, everything's listening. The fucking the the Alexis and it's all just kind of like disconnected fucking fridge has cameras in it

Does it yeah? Naked getting water I Don't know who's got the Bluetooth to this house Who's got that connection? Cuz that's gonna be a rough one fucked yeah Yeah, they they watch they they have much everything. They watch through your phone. They track. So you think there's somewhere people are sitting down

and they can call up anybody they want and just get a live feed of them usually? Well, what they say is that it's like the information's kinda dispersed, but I think they can, yeah, through your IP address, they could actually get, if they wanted to, they could plug exactly into it. I think the government can right now, if they wanted to turn on any of the cameras in our pockets, they can turn, if they wanted to they could plug exactly I think the government can right now if they want it to turn on any of the cameras in our pockets

Yeah, if they wanted they don't I think so as well Simply Rogan you think that they might be doing shit like that with right? Yeah, it's probably Rogan has so much influence you It's like I would be I'd be like dude the government. Yes I was afraid I got on a plane with him during the fucking COVID shit. And he was battling that. I was like, they didn't blow this fucking job. I'm never getting on a plane with him again. Yeah, I'd be paranoid. Yeah, I was going to fucking unleash live Cougars into his home.

He would love it. Finally. Yeah. Do you think about intruder scenarios like someone coming into your house and like what you would do? Yeah. Oh you think about intruder scenarios like someone coming into your house and like what you would do? Yeah. Oh, scream. Scream.

Get the fuck out. Hey. Do you have a weapon? No. Do you have a gun? No. You're in Texas. How do you not have a gun?

I don't know. I got to get one. I'd probably kill myself. They're scary when you have them just like sitting around it's like Jesus Christ, yeah very they're more crude Yeah, then you think like you like I was like they were just way more like intricate I was like, no, it's like a fucking hammer that smashes into the fucking bullet. Yeah fucking Project it's fucking badass, but I it's guns rule they rule but they're scary as fuck. I don't have any weapons in my house I have my I have a

The the baseball bat that my son grew out of he went up and do that baseball bats nice baseball bats Nice yeah I don't shoot it. It's not like I could shoot out. Yeah. Oh, it's a de zapper that you stun gun. Yeah Sal has women's weapons I Just got yeah, I just I just I didn't know I didn't have him. I just went and got him recently Yeah, I was like I'm gonna get some stuff kitchen knives. I have a decent set

I always think about this scenario and I'm like, I don't want nice to come into play Yeah, I'd rather you know, like I did something about having a slice of step somebody. Yeah Kitchen kitchen knives are off the table Clutching is nice. So thinking about just bludgeoning someone with a bat I want to go mad dog hand to hand because my wife can shoot my wife's actually like she's good at shooting guns She used to be a cop so I want to like go go hand to hand with the guy and And you're gonna go to go take the shot. Right in the moment he has a knife through my throat,

yeah, just boom, cut to my wife, stand there like, yes, babe, my tiny flaccid penis covered in beauties. I'm hard from getting choked out. I'm hard as a rock. Oh, because your fucking hands over. Do you fucking breathe? Oh, fuck.

Yeah. You got a new special. Yeah, man, it's called Terrified. It's out on YouTube right now. Came out this past week. First one. Hell yeah. It's going well.

So funny dude. Yeah. It's so funny. Thank you. You came up last night at the depraved dude. That was awesome. That was awesome. The night, it was fucking hilarious.

I was telling Lewis, I was like, dude it was so fucking funny. Thank you man, appreciate that. Yeah, no I just wanna get the word out. I gotta get views, you know? Yeah. So, yeah Terrified and then I'm on tour right now to just a jewel went on sale. So all new tour It's a different from the hour. It's different from anything. I've done all the material

Savile can of comedy comm com slash comoscomedy. You guys can fucking leave me a review. Yes. No, I'm on tour too. Hell yeah. Yeah, Lewisisgangs.com, going everywhere. Point Pleasant at the end of the month, and going to fucking all over the place.

Back in Texas soon, fucking everywhere. All new material, all fucked up, hilarious, dirty. Yeah. Nice. It was shanemgillis.com. Yeah. And watch tires again. Yes.

Fuck it, just put it on. Congratulations. Thanks. I haven't seen you since it all came out. Thanks. It's going well, I'm happy. Yeah. Yeah, Houston, please come out.

I'll be there at the improv, the end of this month. Nice. Yeah. Goodbye.