Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 499 - Revenge Body

Episode Date: June 18, 2024

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Go See Optimum Noctis at The Creek and The Cave in ATX on July 2 @ https://www.creekandcave.com/events/optimum-noctisvb6dfszg51bdq3z3wnu4p Get Merch @ mssecretpodcast.com/merch Yo0o00o0o0o0o0o0o. Wats gud. We're back with your weekly podcast. Just the D.A.W.G.Z. this week. Fambly ep. Scorching HOT Cast. Please enjoy. God Bless Go to https://liquiddeath.com/drenched to shop for Liquid Death now!  Support the show & get Lucy Breakers for 20% off & free shipping at https://www.lucy.co promo code DRENCHED This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/MSSP and get on your way to being your best self. 

Mary how's it going over there you figured things out guard dogs gone again. We're relying entirely on the music Shit just like right now now or like have we been live you've been live for about 30 seconds perfect good just checking gives a real we know even for really it seems like a laid-back we're gonna like the organization but it's not this is the At-home feel we're yes people we've for real, it seems like a laid back organization, but. It's not. This is the at home feel we're giving people. We've been, before they turn the camera on, we're like, all right, man, we're gonna start getting some SEO. We don't talk, me and Matt don't talk.

These key frames. We hate. We come in here like two French actors, just. Opie and Anthony, remember, didn't they like hate each other for the last few years? Yeah, me and Matt don't speak once until the camera's on. Then we go, hey. Hey, buddy.

You're so cool. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. It is funny to think about that though, how it eventually, it does seem to have a degrading effect on people. As things go better. Yeah.

A lot of people get like spun out and wobbled. Yeah. Yeah yeah for sure. I really I think autism is an adaptive thing The planets like changing humanity to be like, all right, you guys are gonna you guys are gonna kill it like everything We're all the planets like producing autists right now. It's only all tests will be able to live harmoniously Mmm, what do you think about that theory? I've I've got a theory for the autism. It's we're doing America, the government knows. Really?

All those vaccines. Things that chicken nuggets? All those vaccines and chicken nuggets. Again, they're like, we're going to have to keep up with China in a cyber war. Yeah. We're going to need 20 million autistic men. So you're saying that autistic white guy. Yes.

That America's- We're just scratching the surface, dude. It's a government conspiracy to create autism. saying that autistic white guy. Yes. Yeah. That America's. We're just scratching the surface, dude. It's a government conspiracy to create autism. It's the only way we're gonna be able to compete with one billion Chinese scientists. Makes perfect sense. We need 20 million white autists.

Just to compete. Yeah. Just to really, just to get a good step. And then China's gonna get on it. China's gonna catch up and then they're gonna have one billion autists. When they turn it on, you know it's gonna be deep. Yeah. The autism's gonna get on it. China's gonna catch up and they're gonna have one billion autists. When they turn it on, you know it's gonna be deep. Yeah.

Their tism's gonna be tight. It's gonna be crazy. They have a very sharp tism. They do have the sharpest tism. Uh, black guys have some talk. Yeah, but they get ripped into the fantasy realm. A lot of black tism gets like just totally burn out on just like dragons and like karate. Yeah, but the black tism, the black tism might not be the sharpest. It just seems the sharpest

because it's such a break from being a cool black. True. It's easily the most luscious. It's a very lush tism. There's one guy that I really like to film him at a school. Do you've seen that guy? He's like a fatter black dude. And they're like, what are you doing to, yeah. Like what are you, he's like, sometimes I break down pens because I like to see things at their most base. I figure, I like to break down systems. Sometimes during class I'll break down a pen.

Ha ha ha. Just a sigh out to get people back in STEM. Yeah, it is. We need engineers. in stem. Yeah engineers it is Yeah, that's I'm pumped on it, man Yeah, push scared of the autist planet dude. It's gonna be it'll probably actually be pretty tough But then if you like if you were really doing this they're gonna see how much fun the autists are having and the fucking sniveling ruling elites are gonna be like Yeah inject me.

Inject me with it. Give it to me. Sir, you'll never come back. Sir, no. Hand me the cube. He comes out of the machine, he's like, when is the new Spider-Man? Sir! Sir!

I actually like the new Spider-Man. Sir, you're 57. Yeah, I actually like the new spider-man Sir you 57 The cartoon spider-man is my favorite He's repeating lines from movies just word for word four minutes straight you're like sir What if you took I read it? I read a book one time about there was like a Like a chemical agent that got loose that gave people telekinesis, like mind reading powers, but then multiple people took it and they all had to like battle the perverted fantasies about each other. It was really

sick. It was like a hot lady. There's like a horny billionaire guy and a priest. And they're like, and the priest love the hot lady, but like the rich guy would be he would like see here his fantasy and then she would kind of be into it And he'd be like you couldn't control himself. He's like you bitch You dirty slut. It's like please don't judge me. Oh grab my ass. It was fucked up It's pretty awesome And then the whole world eventually takes it and it's just good everything breaks down

Then at the very end like the society crumbles at the very end of it They're like I think we conquered guilt Because people just like go into a park and you just see, it would just be anything goes in a park. And after like months and months of it, people started being like, whatever. And then eventually they're like, yeah, now we've processed guilt and we've completely destabilized the entire world economy.

But he's like, we can at least do whatever we want in parks together. And I guess like, was it really worth it? Yeah. That's the question. That is the question. Are your base desires really worth it is a huge question. We need guilt been plaguing man forever. We do. Guilt is pretty important. We do need guilt. Although you know, it's tough to temper it back. Because I need I need heavy I need like an iron clad dome of

guilt surrounding me at all times. Yeah, soon as I'm like, what I just do, whatever feels good. My whole life just fall apart. The lives of my ancestors just ruined or my ancestors. I always do the mix up. Post esters.

Yeah. I'll post it. Your future generations. Yeah. I think I like, dude, I think about that now. I get stunned every now and again. I'm like, oh dude, I got to be like shaping my kids' lives and minds. I guess if, oh dude. I gotta be like shaping my kids lives and minds. I

Just say for if you didn't know the thing we were like, dude, I just get home from work Let's just watch a movie. We scratch another day off the board. Then I go like I gotta start like interact I get we're coming out. Yeah, we start like doing some stuff. You're doing a great job. We've been doing science experiment I meant that yesterday. Thank you. Good debt. Thank you. That's fun to watch. You have such good kids. Thank you, man. Yeah. Pull me up. Yeah.

Father's Day was huge. I was actually I went the opposite rather than being like king for a day. Serve me. I just got way more into my task and was like, I got it. I got it. It's a little obnoxious. Yeah. Well, here's the thing.

Don't bother me. I actually get off on serving you. All right. You fucking liar. You fucking dick dickhead you're doing this to me No, every now and again you have to it's a non-stop mind battle. So I I'm right now I'm in Buddha mode on the babe. You gotta go Buddha mode I can do like four days of like as you if and then I eventually I'll spaz I was so nice for four days!

You didn't say anything! That's hard though, four straight days of being nice is really hard. You think you can go Buddha mode on the babe and they'll be like, oh my god, yeah, this is... What a great behavior model. Dude, they just fucking walk right over... They say, what the fuck? Yeah, they go, he's a pussy now. Yeah, whatever you want, if that's what you like to do, it doesn't bother me.

I can do three days straight of it. Then I'll one day be like you knew fucking what yeah It's putting a couple ways bitch What was that? I was actually I wasn't done with those strawberries I was about to have some more but now you put them in the fridge. Don't bother me throw them out Throw them out. Just throw them out then because now you're gonna put them back in the fridge I'm never gonna eat it again. I have one shot of eating these strawberries. And it's crazy because you're like dude what am I doing I can easily this is not a real problem but the dude the power struggle is so funny it does make me laugh every now and again if it's just like a little thing

will pop up and it's like you get floored you're like you're about to be like a fistfight level of emotion. Yeah, it's kind of like I mean, yeah I just don't see why that even would be a thing. But yeah, sure And you're like, dude, just be nice. Don't be a dick and you'll say something else be like a yeah And you'll hit them and they're like you didn't have to do that This is what I said, this is how I said it I didn't say it the way you were saying I said it. Or the best is when it's just too. I said, your mom is a bitch. Isn't your mom, no.

I said, your mom's being a bitch. She's not, she isn't a bitch. Or when it's just totally like, this is what you said. I didn't say that. You're like, dude, I totally heard you. No, no, I didn't say that. And you go, okay, so I'm just hallucinating then and usually you live in parallel realities It's great. That's crazy when they when you start to see and you're like, and you just don't know you're like, dude

Did I not hear that the parallel realities are tough you get it in any relationship? Yeah, of course like all you know, you know catch my mind doing it. I'll have done a thing. I'll be like no you did Dude, I don't think you did they're taking this too seriously. I was not being an asshole Me on reality. I was like dumping a beer on a guy's head What the fuck are they mad about Fucking kind of soft yeah This guy's a pussy. I'll catch my brain doing it, where it'll be like, just don't. It just don't, like recently I left,

I was like, I came in to get Chloe, she was crying, I was like, here, I'll take over. Fritz, I'm like, dude, I gotta relax. So I'm holding her, I'm like, I'm gonna put her to sleep. It's my, it's the sweetest joy, when you're just like, yeah, I got this. And then I go to put her down, and she woke back up as I opened the door,

but the gate, Brittany had left the baby gate open, and like, dude, my mind instantly was like, she woke up because as I opened the door But the gate Brittany had left the baby gate open and like did my mind instantly was like she woke up because the baby Gate and I was like yeah, she goes the door I watched my mind be like that's her fault, and I was like well no the door clicked I was like yeah, but maybe like it created like an air suction and I'm it created in there So it was like just don't bring up the gate and as soon as you asked what happened I was like you have to fucking get open and fuck you hook her up, and I was too late already said I was like well. Maybe it's the door you can't help it. It's crazy You don't like watch your mind just manipulate reality, and you're like I'm such a fucking piece of shit

It's terrible the water the water the drink in the water you got struck again Did I spill water like you water on state I have to I know but you got a master after the bomb I need to sip if I have a job that doesn't work I have to sip so I went back for the duty it was for real you take loud sips Cause like you'll tell a joke that doesn't work and then you go Everyone's gonna see it and be like, holy shit. Dude, the last two weeks, I have been forced to acknowledge just how like unpalatable my presence is for people who don't know me. It's pretty bad, dude.

The aversion of the general public to me is pretty strong. Yes, they're almost palpable. I've been confronting this lately. The aversion of the general public to me is pretty strong. Yes. They're almost palpable. I've been confronting this lately. You'd be like, Jesus Christ. And then it makes me laugh in the most weird, wretched way inside of myself. But then I'm just watching people who are mad at me. I'm just like, I don't know what to do for us right now. That's what made it so fun.

When we're together doing Sando. Because, you know, I'm in the back going, yes, this is as funny as it gets. Keep being weird. Be weirder if they don't like you. I got hit with it in New York. I was back to just regular people that I just assumed they hated me. And I was like, they just hate everything about me. I just sped through my set. Didn't acknowledge anything. Just bombed. It's an uncomfortable feeling when you think they hate you.

Yeah. Ninety percent of the time they don't. Especially after a cool black guy crushes. I'm absolute ice water. I come on after that and I'm like, I felt very confident coming into here. Now I feel like nothing and it's just like, there should be a guy that crosses our arms.

Derrick Poston. Yeah. He's the crushes every time. He does. And he's the man dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude after this we'll play a little pool basketball. He was like, I'll kill you in pool basketball. And I was like, Derek. It's for doing so well in front of me all the time. I'll bet you $10,000. If you win, I'll give you $10,000. If I win, I get nothing. Get in the pool and play.

It's a very white trap you set there, by the way. It's like, one condition, we all play in the water. Oh yeah, that's what I told him. I was like, everyone's slow in the water. I'll fuck you up in here. I'm the fastest slow in the water. I'll fuck you up in here. I'm the fastest one in the water. And then he stood by the pool fully clothed, like pacing around, like a dog that wanted to jump in.

He was like, running around getting close to the water. I was like, just get in, bro. And then it was a show of force. I said, all right, three on one, me versus LaMarenne and Gardini. Oh, you gave him a display. Yeah. Put on an a show of force. I said, all right, three on one, me versus LaMare, Nate, and Gardini. Oh, you gave him a display. Yeah. Put on an absolute show of force.

Just with the ball throwing, Gardini and Nate. And he just was like, nevermind. Yeah, he was like, all right, I'll admit. But he's very competitive. So he was like. You just start hustling and pool basketball out there, just being like, oops, I'll play. Like, all right.

Ah! Yeah, it was, Derek's very very funny he's hilarious and he had he seems like he has so much fun too on stage I'm tortured but I might be in a coffin of nails that's how I feel like I hate this I'm not having fun you guys hate me I forget all my stuff yeah but it is fun it's just the feeling before shows I I get like the anxiety and being like the nerves just turns into me being like, I'm really tired. I'm always right before I go on stage like, oh man, I'm so tired.

I'm not tired at all. I just woke up. I just slept for five hours. I took a seven hour nap before the show. You've got a low thyroid actually. Something's wrong. I'm so tired. And then you can do stand up in here wakes you up. Yeah, I have been having fun I've been now really getting into exploring just kind of like

Just confronting just people in general and just trying to see how I can please remember how I used to please people Yeah, like I know how to please you guys. I just forgot and yeah, I'll figure it out again. So it's been fun. Uh, We had arenas we did two hockey arenas this weekend Arenas kind of suck ass. Yeah, it's just a material you can't all of a sudden I feel like I should be saying something. Yeah This is I should say something that's a prayer. Yeah, the last thing you want doing is the last thing I ever want to do It'll come to you I see clips all the time of like Drake or like some other rapper and a beef will be like, you'll hold up Which is the last thing you want to do. It's the last thing I ever want to do. It'll come to you.

I see clips all the time of like Drake or like some other rapper and a beef will be like, yo, hold up. I just want to address this shit real quick. Yeah. Just come out on stage and be like, yo, for the record, I'm against the war in Russia. Everyone's gonna get drunk enough to be like, all right, hold up. Let me say something. Obviously, I support Donald Trump.

And then I get done with the show. What the fuck was that? It's so funny. You do well fucking around. I can't fathom how you can possibly fuck around in an arena, but you will fuck around on stage. Fucking around in an arena is fun. It's almost the joy of it's magnified

because it's just massive venue. Yeah. And then you'll start fucking around. But it's so big that you can see, there's so many people that aren't listening at all. It's like just walking around. Yeah. There's so many people that aren't listening at all. It's like just walking around. There's so many people. I hear you.

That's how the small stage of the mothership feels well. I've been there. I've christened that place with a bomb, dude, with a full bomb. I literally did the first set of The Little Boy with a bomb in front of Dave Chappelle. It was a nightmare. I know.

All the cool people were in the room. And you're like, this is my little kill box. I'm about to destroy this room with straight material and act outs. That are bombing. Sweating, I was sweating, bombing. Be like, all right, that's it. Ladies and gentlemen, Dave Chappelle.

Oh my God, yeah, I have to do. I'm going to avenge myself. I have been doing the new material show at the Creek, which is fun. It's 12 people come out and just interact with like four ladies. Yeah. That's fun. And I'm going to start a new material show at Black Rabbit,

I think, too. Nice. Just after July. It's my favorite thing now. I want to see if I have the turbo thrusters or just cultivate just the ability? I obviously wouldn't rely on this But just test test the depths of just like having zero plan or vision and seeing what you can accomplish within that

So I'm gonna start it just just trying it a little off on guard a I'm on guard I think it's time for you to go. I want just time to just you know, there's increase just add a layer I should probably change everything I'm doing You know, there's increased just add a layer. I should probably change everything I'm doing. I should fully go. I should just be silly. I can be real silly. I want to. Yeah, dude, I just want to have more fun.

That's the thing. When I'm not having fun, I'm like this. I don't like that feeling. And it's not fun for anyone else to watch. You get to sweat. Yeah. James, he is like, there's a whole side of you you never use in your comedy. I was like, what do you mean? He's like, you're a very silly man. I was like, yeah, I guess I am. I guess I am kind of silly.

That's what Maya thinks my, for real, she thinks my job is a silly man. It is. She asked me, she's like, you're a silly, I was like, what do I do for work? She's like, you're a silly man. I was like, fuck yeah, dude. Damn.

Pretty funny. That's tough. A silly man's nice. If somebody calls me a fucking silly man, I'm gonna be pissed. Oh wait, did I tell you last time a guy yelled jerk off for us? What?

Did I say that on here last time? No. Were you there that night? That was last week. A guy in the crowd heckled by going, Jack off for us. You know what I'm saying? This is actually the most degrading one I've ever heard.

Yeah. It was like, Jack off right now. I was like, damn, I've heard of like, like Dance Monkey. This is like- Yeah, Jerk Hoff. Jerk Hoff, you pink fucking slob. It's like, oh damn. That is the highest form of stand up.

That is the absolute pinnacle of stand up though. If you just pulled it out and just sort of- If I did, I said, okay. I think you would just get a million. They would give you like $1 million. While they were booing people were screaming It might be the hardest come possible a whole theater of people like no

Did that give me one second the other guy was funnier one second one second You would release dude, it'd be crazy. That would be nuts The front rows was yeah, you'd hear it hit the stage. It'd be loud That is the ultimate boo Yeah, I like I think I've gotten over the worry of having that like the Nick Swartz and meltdown he had I I'm like my brains trying to produce one every single time if I do an hour hour, my brain's like, yo dude, remember that thing? Do it, do it, you forget everything dude. Oh my God, this is scary, get out of here. I'm like, shut up.

Yeah, I have that. Shut up. The last show we did, I was by myself in the green room before I had to go on, I was just like, I have to go on. Like I'm trapped. I can't leave. I literally, I cannot leave.

If I leave, everything's ruined. I have to go do this. I'm trapped. I was like, I'm for real. I put myself in this position. There's an arena of people out there. All I want to do is sit in this room. I don't want to leave this room.

Just want to drink one more beer, what the fuck? Yeah, true. That was also I've ended that experimentation. I remember why I don't smoke weed and do stand up. I am the worst dude. Yeah. I just get quiet. My mouth like, especially when you try to do anything like animated at all, I'm watching myself do it. And it's like 80% quieter. I'm like, yeah. My mouth is super dry. My mouth is crazy. Nothing bothers me more than when I hear a comedian

with dry mouth. Shout out to the bros, dude. I did the Nighthawks, dude. What were the Hawks up to? I did their show in, whatchamacallit? Sunset Comedy Club. Nice. Dude, it was the funniest shit.

It was just the young bros, dude. This is like 25, I'm guessing 25, 24 year olds, maybe some 27 year old bros out, some Kirkabanes out there. But it was like, dude, I go back, and I'm like, this is weird, I feel old as hell. And I'm like watching them, and I'm like, these guys all seem so like charged

and frenetic and nervous. And I was like, these young guys, I don't have any clue. And they're like, you wanna play dice? I was like, yeah, I'll play some fucking dice. Yeah, I'll play dice. Do you wanna smoke some weed? Yeah, I'll smoke some fucking weed So I was just playing dice and smoking weed backstage Oh, man, it was so fun. You're around black men. It was with honks. All right, here's some wild ass honkies Although David, David Jolly did roll through he saw he saw he peeped dice. He fucking passed it

Yeah, he was he was really funny. Here's remarking about how he gets nervous when he sees women and all of their titties are up straight. He's like, I shouldn't be here. He's a titties who stand up way too straight right now for me. I'm too old for this. That is funny. Like anytime you see, you know, perched tits in the front row, I always look at them and then think to myself like, should I say, nice tits? You have to. I think it's a rule.

I think actually I'll call out if I see bombs, I have to address them. Yeah. And the people love it. I'll stare at them for the first 30 minutes of the set. It's human sacrifice. In a second there's a dull moment. I'll be like, I've been looking at her tits.

Sorry, I'm not doing well. It's like a human sacrifice that you need and that you bring up the tits and just, ah! Yeah, and that's why she did it. What? Oh yeah. She said, I'm gonna get my giant tits perched up in the front. Throwing a brother off. Why are you throwing a brother off like that? Put him on the top shelf.

Shit. That does rule, now I'm thinking about it. Just putting big fat tits out to the world? It's awesome. I'm happy people choose to do that. It is thoughtful. It is funny, yeah, when you see big fat titties out in public and you have to go,

what I do now is I point them out to Britain and I go, these fucking tits are huge. Those are disgusting. That way I don't get busted. Cause I'll for real just go into like bug mode and just be like, so now I go, look at your big fat tits. Do you see that?

Like I saw them. Damn dude, I think I'm gonna be gone for the biden trump debate I'm gonna be in philly. I think when is the debate the 27th and they're gonna do of June june and they're gonna do it looks like they're gonna actually do it Unless sentencing is before and they try to arrest the boy. Come on. They can't obviously that's they have to stop playing When are they gonna stop that dude November Actually January they gotta stop playing about that bro. Yeah, just give him a fucking fine. That's not 60 zillion dollars Or

Wait, did he even film himself having sex though that he just hushed. No, it was Yeah, which is I think legal yeah, definitely it is but they said he used campaign money. That's the big I think it was got you, but it's apparently a misdemeanor. Yeah, I think it was No one even knows what the fuck happened. I don't know no no no he Blazed a lady he blazed so every day was to do it in fact that he blazed story Daniels is so funny The weirdest 80 which is like disrespect her, obviously, but she straight is. He's like a 80s lady looking like it is Trump's bag,

though. I know. Yeah. They like that lady who does like the workout class. Yeah. I was thinking of Richard Simmons. No, yeah. That my mom is Denise Alston. My mom used to do Denise Alston in the

morning and I used to catch Denise and be like, yeah, damn, that's when ladies wore spandex on the top end bar Before this nice. Yeah, they were like a one-piece bathing suit with shorts underneath exactly now There's the butt cupped spandex bro, and those are like come on Brother, what are you doing to me man? Butt cupped spandex were like, oh you go to the gym lamar Do you see them there? What you seen in in there I peep butt cupped yeah you don't you go shoot free throws and stare at ladies asses yeah pretty nice I was

saying it like it was bad do we know who like started the butt cupped was it Kanye no what if we put an ass crack into that was like Lou lemon you know Lou lemon the founder hates fat people right he doesn't hate fat people really, but he was there like we need bigger sizes He's like yeah, not everything's for everybody. He's like Lou lemons for athletic people nice He was just kind of like I don't know he's like don't yeah fat Lou lemon He did he did he's a guy who named it Lou lemon to for the Asians. Yeah exactly thought it's funny It's got fucking rules dude is the and he's like what if we just show every woman's ass in the world

No fat chicks No one wants to see fat chicks I'm gonna make my company a funny name for Asians the dude and they he's like since they've made him step down But he still is mega paid Make the boys step down. I think when he got he got they got wind of the root like the river I was they were like bro. What are you doing? I'll chill chill. He's like Come on knock it off

He's like this is my company It's think of him in every board meeting in in Asia them being like thank you for Yes show him the diagram of the crackless sweatpants. OK, is everything all right? He's like, yeah, it is funny, dude. I went out for sushi this weekend and I for real met a straight up Tokyo partner. Nice dude. He was the man, though it was the so it was weirdly enough, it was a guy from Ridley Park. We're both

sitting in a sushi place. He was from Delaware County. He owns his white guy. He owned hundreds of patents for dimmable light switches and then he acquired. It was crazy and he's like, yeah, you know, I was like, I was obviously I had to tell him I was electrical help early. I don't know about. Yeah, I didn't really do the switches. I was like, oh, but I don't know about it. Yeah, I do. I didn't really do the switches. I was more outlet guy, but the, I couldn't help it, dude. I was like, I could help. You have to do it.

I was like, you're more a theoretical side. I'm boots on the ground, obviously installing the product, but he had acquired this Japanese guy's business and the Japanese guy, for real, he was Tokyo partner. He was at the dinner and he might've been one of the funniest guys I've ever met. was heckling the sushi guy the whole time. He's like this fish is aged for two weeks He goes, oh is the fish as old as what you're telling us Dude, you're the man. He kept just going in to be like should I do fish side on my tongue first? Or I said, ha and he would just do it was the I for real thought he like knew him But he's like heckled a sushi chef the entire time and it was it was my favorite and then apparently he had like

He had raced the guy's daughter. The daughter was going to school for some sport I figured it was field hockey or something and he's like, yeah, we had foot race. She's very fast I was like you raced her bro. He's like, yeah, we raced outside and apparently the girl he was gaining on and she gave him One of these and moved through all WNBA them Yeah, fuck you Angel Reese The Angel Reese clothes was crazy. I was eating dinner with the guy. Are they gonna stop hitting our sweet Caitlin? I Mean they got the black black ladies stop hitting our sweet sweet white queen They have to do it dude. They do have to whoop her ass for me

That's cuz it is all because jay-z cheated on Beyonce with a white lady true. I didn't know jay-z. Cheated with a honky I'm just guessing from the Beyonce song when she goes about Becky Yeah, Becky with a good hair was that just like an insecurity of hers Did he actually have sex with a white lady behind Beyonce's back? I don't get the beehive activated But don't get the hive gone is I think that's why Solange beat him up with the CW MBA them in the elevator Gone is I think that's why salon to beat him up with the CW NBA them in the elevator I Just hope girls don't think they can start like pushing shoving each other because they're already not good enough friends as it is Yeah with their world of fucking incessant insecurities

I don't need them talking going into physical attacks upon one another conversations already pretty rough as it is Girls are so mean to each other dude. I can't believe what they're doing to Sweet Kato. They gotta knock it off. Or else, you know what I mean? You know? I think the league is still hemorrhaging. The league's hemorrhaging money still. Yes.

Pusher. You think they're getting like a fucking? It's on every day now. It's on like ABC and ESPN every day and no one's watching. I mean, what else can they possibly do? They have right now. They're doing the best they can like lady speeding up race war. Yeah Race war and no one watches it. They just see a clip online of Angel Reese clothesline and Caitlin Clark and they go the race war. Yeah, what do you think about it? It's do you know, I think the hot take is to be like it's basketball. That's game. Yeah, it's just the game.

So, yeah, but they're girls shouldn't be hitting each other. They're girls. That is fucking upsetting to watch girls elbow each other. I know what side you're on. I was going to say, to be fair, they they're like they're like they're like the fighter type girls, though, lesbians. The fighting ones. They're like they're like the fighter type girls do lesbians You really can't surround the subject yeah, it's clearly yes lesbians Yeah true true true true But yeah, I mean look here's the thing Caitlin came was gonna strike back. She's gonna strike back hard

Yes, you know and everyone's gonna be like we need to control the gun policy Caitlin Clark playing in a trench coat She's gonna wear it for a few games first. With her patented trench coat. That would be funny because they always do that like catwalk type, that model walk into the stadium. She's gonna be wearing the full trench coat outfit. She's got her patented greasy unwashed hair, straight clumped together hair. Oh, is that a prescription bottle? Particularly pale, clearly on SSR eyes.

Oh, she's got an AR 15. She hit him from long distance. People are still going to be pumped to be that shot. She shoots a three pointer deflates it, lights up the talking to you I just don't want to see it progress to that but Yeah, yeah, I mean you can only push

Before she's like I'm not gonna take it You got to be really watching her music intake to the coach the coaching staff Yeah Yeah, if they hear any shit, they listen to in the locker room, like cry metal. Yeah. Wake me up. Yeah, true. No biscuit. Absolutely no biscuit. No Manson. Manson will be the one. The beautiful people. The beautiful people.

Banana, banana. Yeah, man. I mean, my question would be. I mean, I'm just guessing she has black teammates. Yes, they get put on a weird thing where it's like, what is it the team? Which team obviously literally do you pick? Would you double agent? They're in a tough spot.

As I'm saying, because they're not apparently they're not really helping her too much. They did it. She is fucking the fucking the whatever. Dion Sanders's team. They try to racialize college football and that Puts all the other athletes and like, okay, I guess we're not on the side of black justice and then you know now in WNBA They're doing it again. Yeah Pretty weird. Yes, PN loves doing it. Yeah, it's kind of fucking grotesque. Honestly. Yeah, of course

It's like I mean, I gotta see it gets the right ESPN's ratings are probably still doing great Everybody watches yes. Yeah, but ESPN owns the WNBA ESPN and the NBA fund the Okay, like I this thing's losing so much money. Yeah, I mean, it's a monster tax right off They're like sir, we could we could break the glass. We press the button. I don't know We have to race for it. NFL, NFL, yeah, but that might've hurt.

That was pretty, yeah, true. Slightly, because there's a lot of honkies watching. Yeah. Although, but- I think I took the dads out. That'll keep them tuning in though, to make this better. Fucking. Just measuring their knee distance.

But yeah, that's the fucking grass. I love this country. I didn't serve, but you better stand up. You disrespecting troops. What's the status on Enzo? You can end zone dance still, right? Yeah. Illegal. They was that illegal for a while.

Yeah, they've loosened all the rules on the on the cellies. I'm with the I do like a good end zone dance. I mean, you have to go crazy, but I'd like a good end. I like it. It ups the stakes. Crying to the refs, I'm still I'm with the I do like a good end zone dance. I mean you have to go crazy, but I'd like a good end. I like it it ups the stakes crying to the refs. I'm still I'm against that I see there's that's all dude you watch basketball you crying to the ref every fucking play and it's like dude Come on, man enough this episode is brought to you by better help this year has gone so quickly What's something you're proud of in 2024 so far? What's something you still want to accomplish this year? When

life goes so fast, it's important to take a moment. What's something you're proud of in 2024 so far? Definitely. Honestly, just my good behavior. I've been on a good behavior streak. You know, not a huge deal. But it's like kept a pretty tame. It's good to be in being good. Yeah, I have an A for conduct. In school, I used to get S's, sometimes I's.

Yeah. I finally have a VG. I would say VG. You're a VG. G. I think you've been VG. I'll take it. I'll take VG.

Yeah. But I'm trying to stop being such a grump. I've got an S. I fell into a grump. You got an S? I've got an S right now. You got an S. I'm getting satisfied. I was a grump. You got it. You got an ass. I've got an ass right now

Couple I days in there, but mostly yeses I'm trying to get the VG you'll get the I wish I could be a VGB You get the VGB you'll be a VG wanna be a VG. You don't get it. Oh, I See these get it. Oh Bro, you're fucking the teacher. You're fucking this old nun The yeah, I'm proud of you know, I'm proud of that. What's something, bro, you're fucking the teacher. You're fucking this old nun. Yeah, I'm proud. You know, I'm proud of that. What's something you still want to accomplish this year? I'm trying to be more placid and less reactive. I think you do a good job of that.

I'm pretty good. I'm pretty good. I don't see you act very reactive. There's one person who can really get me going. Yeah. I don't know what your home life's like, Yeah, there's I'm not in your house one person I don't know what your home life's like, but it's pretty good now for real. It is chill. It's chill, but I'm trying to you know Yeah, it's good. It's good. No I battle my battle my wife Yeah, you talk I'm very public about I mean wife battle constant people need that alright Let's talk my best.

Sorry. When life goes fast, it's important to take a moment to celebrate your wins and make adjustments for the rest. Do you celebrate your fucking wins in the household? Yeah, for sure. I got you, bitch. I won that argument. I told you, just say you're sorry.

That's all. Just say sorry and we can move on. Notice how I say my, I'll say I'm sorry. Sorry. Say it real. No. Therapy can help you take stock of your progress and set achievable goals for the next six months.

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It goes pretty fast. It's very good. Okay, but why would a healthy beverage ever be called liquid death? Because liquid death will brutally murder your thirst and their infinitely recyclable cans are helping to bring death to single use plastic bottles. This is gibberish. Liquid death also donates a portion of its profits from every can sold to help kill plastic

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age verified. Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Houston, Texas, I'll be at the Houston improv this weekend, Friday and Saturday. Doing stand up comedy shows. Sorry, I just woke up. Total grind mode. You can see the sky. Just to show you guys it's real. Check this out.

Let's get this motherfucking money. James did a good end zone dance. Hit the mic, bro. Remember, we're on a show? James did a good end zone dance. Hit the mic. You remember we're on a show. James had a good end zone day. I was good. We went to the Packers facility. Oh, it was awesome. Got to go on Lambeau Field.

And it was it was great. But Sean Clifford, the quarterback, they took us to the practice facility and was throwing balls. That's awesome. James James is doing good. James is flying. He can count on it. Was he receiving or he was receiving?

That's awesome. He called. He always caught it with his body, which is nice. I tried to catch my hands and I drop everything. He was catching everything. He's kept right to his belly. Then he sprinted down the field and did like a very Australian dance. Damn, that's awesome.

Yeah, it was a good trip. Running patterns and is just the catch in general. Having to catch, especially running patterns is, I'll get so serious so fast. If I can run like a quick post across the, I'll be like, all right, that's pretty good. I got you here, I wanna, can we throw it back that well? I can catch it.

I can, dude, my first throw, my first throw, I forgot how to throw it. It went 10 feet straight to the ground I was like oh front of the cool NFL guys also those are like inflated to the fucking I see I TB 1 to play house. We had a ridiculous. Yeah, like fucking it's like a brick Yeah, James was doing really good. That's awesome. He's got them hands Got that gut he was using his belly. He's literally his belly absorbed every catch.

It's pretty impressive. That's awesome. Yeah. Catching them right on the numbers is fucking huge. I mean, I think the quarterback is even not trying would be slinging them. Yeah, they're probably fucking moving. Yeah, it's scary.

I bet. Right when he released it, I was standing next to him and he threw it. As soon as he released the ball It's like oh, holy shit It's just a line drive spiral like 30 yards. Oh my god. It was scary. Yeah, I'd get the fuck out of the way Give me the nerf James threw it towards us and I got out of the way, dude. I'm a pussy Yeah, I'm all hands on the same way I'm like I'm reaching up for the numbers dude Having a nice dude beach football. That's my fucking favorite

It's laying out. Were you was that were you with me when we I think it was uh in Florida when you broke O'Connor's ankles No, I wouldn't bring that That was so nice No, I wasn't there talking about that You shattered his ankles He even wanted to go again I lost the race to Billy. Yeah, So I was like, let's walk and go again. And yeah, I was getting you shook his ass.

He fell down in the front of all of my rushing. We're all just hammered laying down. He fell like, oh, you fuck. Then I drowned in the water. One foot of water. I laid down to take a piss. And the waves took me. My rush game's all right. My rushing's kinda nice.

Right now my speed's better than ever, dude. I'm doing like a legitimate running program right now. That's awesome. I get up every day at 6 a.m. and run like three miles. It's so, dude, when's the last time you sprinted? Forever. It feels so good. I mean, it feels like you're gonna get hurt right away.

But it's like, you feel, it feels insane. You just, and you fucking pump your arms. You run three miles at six a.m.? Yeah, this morning I did three miles. But it's like, it's intervals. So I'll do like a run. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 30 minute on, 30 off, one on, one off, 90 on.

You're jogging for 30 minutes straight? I did an endurance one recently where I did, and I did take four one recently where I did and I did take Four maybe three or four like 15 second breaks to just walk. That's pretty good. I did it for an hour The brakes suck though. So when you have to get heavy your legs pull. Yeah, I did I did in 50 minutes straight 50 yeah, I did almost an hour straight like girl level military jog It was slow like I try to keep it at like 145 BPM, like my blood, my heart rate. And then every now and again,

I got two miles I think consecutively. That's pretty good, dude. Talking about 13 minute miles though. They're slow. That's good. It was the best I've ever done. I'm trying to get my, I just discovered I can see my VO2 max.

It's trash. They're like, your VO2 max sucks. And I was like, what? Who's told you that? My Apple Watch. Said it's below. They're like, your VO2 max sucks. And I was like, what? I fucking pissed off. Who told you that? My Apple Watch. Said it's below average. I said, all right, guys, we'll see about that.

Yeah. Trying to get that nice VO2 max. I still don't know what exactly it is. That's all right. But I'm gonna get it up there. You gotta get the max up. I think I'm at 43 right now. I was at 41 and my Apple Watch was like,

dude, you suck. And I was like, all right. So now hopefully, I gotta check it right now. I might be at, I'm hoping after today, I bumped it up to 40, 45. That's all I do. I think about my VO2 max and I was like, all right. So now I hopefully I check it right now. I might be at I'm hoping after today, I bumped it up to 40 45. That's all I do. I think about my VO to Max. I sprint on the track. I'm like, I need to go up to 45 or 50.

That's good. Yeah, dude, I'm trying to. I went after that. I'm going to do a girl like girl. Girls on treadmills are fucking. Dude, you go to the gym. They're fucking three and a half hours on the treadmill. There it's scary psychotic There was a girl today this morning of the track just Moving but dude I when I go to orange theory which is girl as a girl workout for the most part

I mean there's two teachers there, but it's obviously mostly girls You're hooked up to the blood pressure monitor the whatever heartbeat monitor keep a blood dude Resting our rate is like 180. For real, I walked in there with Brittany one time and I was looking at our things on the monitor and I was like hers was like elevated. I'm like what the fuck's wrong with you? She's like I'm a little nervous. I'm like you calm down, you freak. You're in like the fucking green level. I'd be nervous going in there. It was just making me laugh. I'm like Jesus Christ, you run hot. Because you see her resting blood or your heart. I on blood pressure resting heart rate and I was just looking at hers

If I'm going in if I'm wearing a fucking like is it like a sports bra tight vest, dude It's yeah, I'm wearing a sports bra and I'm about to work out with ladies and it's all right would be it's on the screen I'd be having a panic attack. Well, dude. Yeah, that makes that doesn't make sense But when you when he goes like yeah, she was like so nervous she gets worried She's not gonna do well and I'm like she the fuck cares this yeah, but yeah, I get it But and it also care But I'm I'm excited. Yeah, I am I'm excited. I'm competing Yeah, but you see so you get you start off in like gray goes to blue goes to green Orange is the level of like right below reds maximum maximum, orange is like the level you try to,

like they want you to get in a lot. But you'll see girls in the treadmill, dude, once I identify them, like all right, that's who you are, I'm watching their screen, they'll be in red, which is like your maximum heart rate for just like 10 fucking minutes. You're like, dude, I get to red and I stop, I'm like, I'm gonna die.

So I stop and I like chill out, dude, they'll be in it just for 10 minutes straight and you're like, dude, you're gonna die. They don't, I think they, women have heart attacks, right? Yeah. They have them, not as much as dudes, but they still have them. Yeah.

But yeah, dude, they are, I've been peeping their numbers and they're going all out to get their revenge bodies. That's what they're trying to do. Yeah. But you're bathed in orange light and they're just like blasting, just like techno and pop remixes. Yeah, try to get your Yeah. But you're bathed in orange light and they're just like blasting just like techno and pop remixes.

Yeah. Try to get your revenge body after you were a cunt. Some guy was like, I love you, but you're awful. I'm sorry we have to end this. And he's like, I'll show him. Yeah, maybe. The guy I was rude to. I'm going to get hot.

I'm going to be hot. I'm going to fuck everyone. I'm going to get hot. I'm going to fuck everyone. I mean, how does fucking be nice? Caitlin Clark needs to get a revenge body. She does. She should get big fake tits. She's a giant. The girls would be so jealous of her.

It'd be so bad. It's in both. That'd be so mad. Yeah, it'd be serious. She's wore a hotter outfit. That they be so mad? Yeah, I'd be sure she's wore a hotter outfit. That might be the move. Is that you, you fucking nasty hose. Yeah, nasty bitches, dude. I look too good.

If you got like real glam and was like these nasty bitches, there's gel. So my big fake tits, they'd be like, fuck, she'd be the coolest athlete of all. She's got to revenge. She's got to revenge body and said that, quoted that in a press conference. Almost trans into like an uber feminine, just like voluptuous curves. That'd be kind of tight.

She'd get pregnant. That would really get him pissed. I'm sorry, I don't have time for your guys' little games. I have a baby to dick. Yeah, thank you Yeah, I'm just worried about you know still stuff with my kid actually find it really fulfilling they make fuck you bitch Pass me the rock Pass me the rock. I'm open you think what they and I'm pregnant Do you think in the backstaging the backstage locker area they ever hold the rock to they're kind of like

You think when they and I'm pregnant you think in the backstaging the backstage locker area They never hold the rock to they're kind of like Some cradle in the rock get out there play ball ladies were fucking nine gazillion dollars in debt Knock that bitches head off the amount of money they've lost every year since the league started is it is it it's gotta be public information it is I think they 22 mil yeah, I could turn that around It is. I think they. 22 million dollars in debt. 22 million? Yeah.

All right, I could turn that around. 22 million. Damn. Well, that's because they're not paying the girls enough. Yeah. Yeah. There's, I don't know, there's. They combine all women's sports into one event have people like lapping them soccer balls the shooting bass balls out there

They're fighting let them fight they're just play yeah, that's really funny. Yeah They're just playing. Yeah, that's really funny. Yeah. This article says they're going to lose 50 million this year. Dang. 50 million. Who doubled down? Dude, although the funniest thing was in the when you showed like the Hot Ones interview and you were following the WNBA,

like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I can't get enough of that action. The guy's like, OK. Yeah, he was very serious. Oh my god. It was so funny. He'd be like, oh yeah, I can't get enough of that action. It's like, oh cool.

Yeah, my heart rate on that was 700. I did not want to. I was uncomfortable. That, well yeah, that is understandable Well, it's weird. Are you interact with like a normal person? He was like so like genuine questions. Yeah, yeah Yeah, he's like so when you come up with your bit. Yeah, it seems to me like the first bits the hardest What do you think about that? I was like, yeah Yeah, it's just, it's really apparent. All I could do is lash out and say the worst things I could and they edited all that out.

Did they really? Yeah. What are the hardest rooms? I was like, black people. And then he just saw the whole room like... Dude, the whole thing is in between me bombing. Every single question on there was one second long because I bombed. And there's people filming from me to you.

They're all right here. So I'm just sitting at the table. There's people clearly disapproving of what I'm saying. They were laughing at a couple things. That's cool. Everybody was very nice. I was just nervous. All it takes is one fucking

Patrick yes kind of like This person hates me this whole thing's a mistake. It is apparent when like someone's never been called gay their entire life And they can be like so man like if you just want it to like open up and you're like go stop, dude Yeah, I'll get my fucking ass kicked for that. Please stop asking. Yeah serious questions for that. Please stop asking me serious questions. It would be nice. I'd like to just live like you would do well. You can have a you can I can have like a intellectual type. True. But there's a level of it that I'll get on comfortable if it is like there's a certain level of it that I'll get to kind of like I think you would have done.

I think you would do well on how once I could talk. I would like I could talk. I could do that kind of talk I would enjoy but there is some there's some parts of it. There's questions I saw that I was kind of like fuck that was like some guys open their special by pensively smoking a cigarette Took everything out. Just be like pensive. Yeah Yeah, I don't have the gear to do that I'd be like well, yeah, I mean it's just like I see all these other

Big things. It's like what's my turn now? Like this is what the gear to do that. I'll be like, well, yeah, I mean, it's just like I see all these other big things. It's like, well, it's my turn now. Like, this is what I want to do to my statement. It's like I can't I can't access that level of talk. I'd fall apart on that. It's like, yeah, I don't know. I thought it was kind of cool. And it's just zoomed in on your fucking red face. You're eating hot wings and chugging milk. Well, that's the end of you're if you think about being red

Yeah, cuz then it intensifies on dark red right now. I know my face is yeah dark red. Yeah, that'll fuck me up Yeah, yeah, I've been getting it to I don't know how to describe food Like if I took a bite of something, he'd be like, what do you think of that? It's great chicken. It's good chicken Yeah, this one's spicy. My brother made fun of me said I have a peasant palette He's like dude, you're sweet and salty. That's it. He's like even people like yeah, I was very looking earthy Feel on the forefront and it faded. Yes like dude like now is wine. Yeah, and they're like, here's a wine pairing I'm like, yes tastes good. I can see how this pairs with the sushi First I tasted that then I taste the wine is yummy. Yeah. Yeah wine pairings are so fucking funny Yeah, I'm just trying to get fucked up. Yeah, I'm just trying to drink as much of that wine as possible

Dude, I got fucking oh, yeah, how did I crush this weekend, dude? I did the pedal party the pedal party is awesome, dude First of all the first thing I noticed on the pedal party because it brings out different reactions of people and honest I was surprised it's mostly positive most people will see a pedal party going down and just be like yeah and get pumped black people across the board stoked really oh my god you hit the dude you roll up on black people the pedal party they lose their fucking minds especially the dude had a really good playlist too. So they get they're just beyond stoked

They're so like there's that was like a big for me is a big personal takeaway room I gotta stop being such a stick in the mud day because I'm watching people just having like normal People enjoy when the honkies are having fun. They do they do go. Hey, look at those guys. They're here dude Yeah, they were having they were every day would be a joyous just kind of like Yeah, they were having they were every day would be a joyous just kind of like So on the opposite I see a battle party I go. I hope I hope 18 wheelers slams I Predicted there'd be way more of that dude, and we were dude. It's so obnoxious. You're like Traffic that blocking traffic was just like yeah

And I was like dude people gonna hate. You're on a pride float. Pretty much, it's close. It's girl pride. It's girl pride. Yeah, it's pretty close. But I will say I had so much fun on there. I knew you were on it. The second you told me you were doing it,

I was like, you're gonna fucking love it. It was so much, because the whole time they're ringing a bell, and every time they ring a bell, you have to chug your drink. And then they let you out of a bar and like, go get a shot and come right back. And I was like, I'm not gonna do a shot. If you want a shot, I'm like, I'm not gonna do a shot. You're a shot. I'll do a shot. Damn dude Why can't I get drunk with you? Let's go get drunk get drunk with me. You gotta get the pedal. You're drunk with me

I do let's go out. I got a random fucking pedal party I'll go just you and me on a pedal party. That would be tight. I'm gonna let you know a little secret You don't have to pedal. I had a pedal party. That would be tight. I'm gonna let you know a little secret You don't have to pedal I had a feeling you know I was real I was Speed this up this traffic. I was trying to gun it and then you it's just like yeah It's like a gearless bike like I'm not even moving it But we could go we should hit a pod like that. That'd be fun. Should you a lot of hot a pedal pod That'd be fun actually Live pedal pod would be nice.

Keep open some seats. But hop up here. You have guests. Let's get the snake guy from six street, get him on. So where did you get this snake? A lot of other guys pensively stand with me. That's what happens. I get, I get brought out for like wife celebrations and then then it's just like I'm getting fucking hammer Yeah, I got on that I was like I'm gonna take it pretty easy. I got on that thing dude. The Sun was setting I'm outside. It's nice and hot out also my drinking dragon awakens the summer to have learned the winter time

It's just kind of like I get mad on a boat If you put me near water, it's It's game over I can't help myself. It's a hoot dude. I was it's gonna be a hoot I just got crushed on this bike way harder than I had to and And then I got off went to bed. I told you I felt like a reptile dude I woke up at four in the morning. I was like Took a pee I took a pee. I was like, this is I'm dizzy.

I'm fucked up. Went to the bathroom and then I laid back down, slept for like another two hours. Well, every time I'd wake up to pee, I feel a little bit better and then I'd pee and by the morning time I was just like, all right, I've had worse, but I didn't feel great at all. So then we had to go out the next night for actual was I don't know. This is our actual birthday.

And what the fuck do we do? Is that the it? No, this is, yeah, this is her actual birthday. And what the fuck did we do? Was that the sushi? Yeah, that was the sushi, there we go. We went to the sushi and then afterwards we went to this like little lounge place. And the sushi, they're like, do you wanna have wine with the thing? I'm like, yeah, of course.

So I'm like half cocked from drinking wine. And then I go to the place and I'm like, all right. I told Brittany, I was like dead serious, I was was like I'm gonna nurse one or two drinks tonight. I'm not trying to be a bummer on your party I'm not really drinking like that. Yeah, she's like, yeah, whatever you want to do. Just crush wine the whole time I got to the place. I'm like, are you had enough wine to chill and the best you turn it on It's in there. The Mezcal Ranch Water's come out and that's when I turn to the vape pen heavily I say, all right, you always hit the vape pen. Well, it's it worked this time because it crushes the hangover. I didn't hit the vape pen hard enough on fucking Thursday night fucked me So I started crushing the vape pen. I think the vape pen just makes you stop drinking, right? Well, no

No, no, sometimes it can slow you down if you get too high But if for real even the nights like dude, I was just crushing mezcal's But if for real even the nights like dude, I was just crushing mezcal's After like a lot and then the vape pen it's like an anti-inflammatory So it just calms the hangover down, but it does it will slow you down If you get so high that you start getting to like yeah, I get into like static realm where I'm just kind of like But the but yeah, I got pretty fucking drunk and we ended up with the Skylark again Skylark rules. Dude, it's my favorite place to work.

I love the Skylark. I was, to the point of that place, was sitting there. There was nobody in there either. There wasn't a lot of people. And the band was playing, and dude, I just feel, they played some song, and I just feel Brittany pushing on my back as hard as she could. Go dance?

Yeah, and I go. You know how to cut a rug, dude. I go get off me. And then, dude, I've been coming like a stiff McGriff lately. I can't move But then I use stiff on the dance floor. I've been a little stiff Yeah, but I have to truly love the song now was it a cool black band of course shit But they were it was pretty they had a blind guy is about as cool. Yeah, it's the bonga. Okay. Yeah

I've seen him the up the blind guy those three but the dudes were so funny cuz they're like there wasn't that many people They like get up here a rule fuck. I'll leave the're like there wasn't that many people that I get up here I will fuck I'll leave the guys like I'll walk off the stage right now get up here now I don't care how you move and I said brother. I'll get up there sure I can do But yes, I got pushed up on the dance floor, dude I was at the point where I'd like get it you know to get up and go to the bathroom You're like, huh, you start walking. You're like cock. There's a chair Try to keep it together

It's like I hit my vape pen, dude, in the bathroom. I was like, for real, like as hard as I tried walking, just crushing chairs on my hips. I come back from the bathroom and I just feel her like pushing me. And I'm like, oh, but it was we had a blast. Yeah, that's nice. That's what kills me, man. If I don't absolutely love the song, like I can't fake dance. Like when I had a wedding and I'm seeing people like to Fergie,

I'm like, you really like this song that much? I can't like fucking poser. Yeah. Well, I'm just like, I wish I could do that. I'm just being like, yeah, but what? These guys were hitting songs and I was like, yeah, the song actually rules But I was also full disclosure on it at this point the crowd had thinned and I was on a double interracial date And that kids it's just weird man. I did notice And that kids it's just weird man. I did notice Squad is mostly interracial couples I walked into that birthday party and I was like it just worked out that way. No, of course They're all the rage, of course

They're all the fucking rage requirement for your neighborhood true. There's a couple honks. There's exclusive honk I did there was an exclusive honk couple there. Yeah, I'm gonna I should check them. Hopefully they're doing something like you should I did there was an exclusive on couple there. Yeah, I'm gonna I should check them. Hopefully they're doing something like you should Yeah, Polly maybe I'm gonna start pressuring them that you guys gotta check about opening marriage. Yeah Polly That's gonna go Polly or just group stuff group stuff, dude. I brought up. I mean this is after the pedal party groups I Was trying to talk I was just like talking to uh to the dudes on friends with we're like sitting there bullshit at the Thing for Brittany's birthday after the sushi. We're talking about video games And I'm like did you guys ever play virtual boy, and they're like what the fuck's virtual boy the Nintendo when you yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah, dude. Nobody knew what I was talking about. Are you guys fucking with me? You guys never play virtual boy. I didn't describe it to them and they were like like what is it? I'm like it's just a game boy that you put your eyes on the screen. It's red for some reason It's just all red and you just sit there my friend had it the only thing I remember is Wario There's like a Wario Wario tennis. Yeah, I Was only game I played too you just play red Wario tennis until you get a migraine Yeah, kind of sucked. Oh, it was making me. It was the worst.

I feel like I couldn't keep my face on. Yeah, it was for real bad for you. My I would play up in my cousin's room and I would let you come off that thing. And you're like, yeah, it's not virtual at all. No, his eyes are on the TV and you're on and they just put like red grid lines you're like whoa But yeah, I was surprised. I was like, I'm like you guys have never like I've never know where it

Just a couple years younger than me and then there was one dude was a couple years older than me and I was like They must have really it was a flash hit a niche. Yeah, that was like one year that that was popular Yeah, I felt like uh, then I brought up Turbo graphics 16. They're like, dude, what the fuck? You don't think I've ever heard of that. Turbo graphics 16 was, you know, Turbo graphics 16. It was like pre Sega. They launched it.

It was like it wasn't as good as Sega, but it was like significantly better than Nintendo. And I remember my brother's friend brought it to our house. We played Turbo graphics. Six. It's they were making fun of me saying I had gamecast. They're like, dude, you had a Gamecast? From Malibu's most wanted. Dreamcast?

The Gamecast. Remember Malibu's most wanted? He was like, I got a Gamecast. He's like, you mean a Dreamcast? Nah, fools, Gamecast. It's like the shittiest, probably the shittiest video game system. Dreamcast was so nice. Dreamcast was nasty. NFL 2K was on that. Yeah. Yeah, was on that.

Yeah. Yeah, I wanted that. That's what Brittany got me for Father's Day? What's that? Oh, she asked you about it, Xbox. Yeah. You know what I told her? Take it back.

Really? I banished it from my house. The UFC 5? I can't have that in my house. I won't get anything done. I stared it down and I said, take this out of my house. Damn. Cause she was like, well, maybe we can put it in your office.

I was like, please don't. That'll be the end of the office. Please don't, I'm begging you we can put it in your office. I was like, please don't. That'll be the end of the office. Please don't, I'm begging you. Because in my head I was like, all right, I'll get there in the morning, I'll do like a 45 minute warm up on some UFC fight. I'm like, no, I'll play it all day long. And I was like, dude, I'm so sorry.

Especially for a gift, I felt bad. I don't want to be a dick. I was like, it is a beautiful sentiment. It's too powerful. The what? It's too powerful a gift. So I told her, I was like, I can't have it, man. I was like, I can't have it. She give me an oculus

What's going on there just reading erotic in my oculus I know exactly what's going on with the office in the office I get it. I can't get actually I could oh Yeah, true. I mean if I had an oculus I am curious about test the waters. I know I've done VR. Just on my phone I told you before I've snooped around the house a little bit Is that the cameraman's leg Kind of hot It's kind of hot that there's a guy just filming I can see the carpet exclusively Can you little marriage ever do Oculus Porn?

Yeah, I did it with the Samsung Gear back in the day. Did you have any other attachments? You slapped me in the face and jacked off. Did you have the flashlight too? No, yeah. Oh, God, dude. How was it? Did you deal or did you let it ride out? It was too powerful. I did it once, but like, I did it a couple of times.

It was too powerful. Why do you keep lying? Why do you keep lying? A couple of times. We know you did it a lot. I did it today. I did it a bunch, dude. You better not be doing it here.

No. No VR here. You promise? Yeah, I promise. True, that is a good deal. Yeah. Serious contract to make. You won't enter the Oculus Zone.

Please don't. Ah! Yeah. No, quick to make. You won't enter the Oculus zone. Please don't. No, quick, get off me. I want to go. Get off me. Oh, shit. She wants me to go. Hit yourself a forced cream pies. That'd be crazy. There's nothing. I mean, it's too powerful. True. I hit the Oculus porn once.

Did you? And I couldn't do it. I was too afraid. It was too much. No, I was like, this is I'm going to get caught. It was I was living in New York. Yeah, true. So you just that you just occupy the room a little bit. I just looked at it for a minute and I was like, this is too. Yeah. Yeah. This is how you get caught.

Yeah. You get caught naked with a fucking Oculus on your face. Jacking off. It's the most shameful shit. Someone walks in this way and you go Get the fuck out of here! You have a mask on your head and you're like, ah! It's funny too no one has any idea that you're just doing like a

VR simulation of being a youth pastor with a bunch of boys Ah shit fuck yeah, that's uh What do you think the next level of that will be self-contained suits or like the suck machines The suck machines I thought they already out. Yeah, I mean but like they're gonna get better. Yeah These are the clunky versions. Yeah, it's like a real apes that were like Pretty soon. Everyone's gonna have a little fucking

How yeah, I guess they're they must be doing some serious R&D in that yeah, you ever heard of the Tracy's dog thing? That's the rose toy girls have. I don't understand one thing you just said. Do you know the rose toy that girls have? Why do they call it Tracy's dog? I don't know. I don't know. Tracy's dog. It's like a licking sucker. What?

Wait, what? Hold on. This furthers my theory that all women wanna have sex with dogs. So it's like an eat out machine? Yeah, it's like a little rose. I think it looks like a rose and it like sucks but it like moves up here at the top.

It's like, yeah. Shit. Dude, the suck technology is getting crazy. What do you say this thing's called? I said Tracy's dog. That's what Dion Cole called it in his special. I'm gonna buy one and start competing with it. Yeah.

Just put it up on the wife and be like, yo, be honest. Who's better? Manneverse machine. That'll be my deep. What's that called deep blue? Chess the chess machine. It's a sucking toy. Yeah, it's a pussy eating toy. All right. I've seen these You've seen these boys Fuck the rose Rosie portable rose clit suck. Oh my god, dude What does that do to guys?

I'll put one of those on my nipples man. That'd be nice fucking great Put on the nipples, but I got a theragone Yo, that thing went straight to the tip of my dick for sure Don't don't don't don't Yo! That thing went straight to the tip of my dick. For sure. Dump, dump, dump, dump, dump, dump. Over an hour? Beautiful. Slide into the motherfucking Patreon. I actually do have much to discuss. Really?

Yes. That's good. Yes. Alright. Let's switch over to the Patreon. Yes. Matt. Matt.

Matt.