Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 502 - Meeting the Wizard

Episode Date: July 9, 2024

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Get Merch @ mssecretpodcast.com/merch Go See Optimum Noctis at The Creek and The Cave in ATX Tues August 6 @ https://www.creekandcave.com/events/optimum-noctisvb6dfszg51bdq3z3wnu4ptljon3i Good afternoon everybody. Another Fambly ep. Sendin Shang off to Philly today cuz he needs to write Tires szn 2 - we'll miss him. But it's never a goodbye - only a see you later. It's a pipin' hot send off cast tho tbh. Please enjoy. God Bless you all. Support the show & get Lucy Breakers for 20% off & free shipping at https://www.lucy.co promo code DRENCHED This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/MSSP and get on your way to being your best self. Upgrade your wardrobe and get up to 25% OFF @trueclassic at https://trueclassictees.com/DRENCHED! #trueclassicpod

Hey, what's happening? Oh, crap. Yes. What's up, bro? What's up, dog? Dude, what's happening? What happened to your fucking chin, bro? I met the wizard.

You guys wouldn't know about it. Who's the wizard? It's the Navy SEAL saying. It's when you pass out underwater. Jaco talks about it all. Not Jaco. What's his name? David Goggins. David Goggins talks about it all not Jocko. What's his name David Goggins David goggles talks about all the time Yeah, he talks about meeting the wizard. I

Didn't know that's what it was called. I was just talking shit yesterday at a kid's birthday party I saw my like falling out. I was like, yeah a lot of people don't understand It's basically just me and Navy SEALs the only people know about what happened. I tried to do back and forth in the pool like About what happened what I tried to do back and forth in the pool like Underwater and of course why had goggles too, so I was like you David goggles. I see the goggles, dude Yeah, I was just doing a little bit of buzz training. I like the boats. Yeah, you had to go until you passed out I'm like I'm going we were like I've been outside all day. I'm sweating

It's like you know I was no sleep for days and days and days on end. And then we played actually do to pull a fun pool basketball game instead of full on pool basketball pool knockout. Two basketballs play knockout, but you got to like, trudge through the water. Yeah, very, very fun. So we played a couple rounds of that. I was the only person out of four people who didn't win a game of pool knockout. So I had something to prove when people start talking going who was it like your cousins me my cousin and

like three of our friends so when they start talking about back and forth underwater I was like here's my time to get a little W so I went I put my goggles on actually I had my daughter's goggles so I think they're a little tight on my head too so I go dude I get back I get down there so easy I'm like holy shit you know I might go down and back and then push off again just to flex and I get a bad push coming back and I'm like, holy shit, you know I might go down and back and then push off again just to flex And I get a bad push coming back and I'm like I'm on like one and a half basically coming back and I start You know, you're like you're vibrating when you're out of breath. Yeah, I'm vibrating and all I kept thinking was like be great

You have to do this be great You have to do this and I keep going keep going all of a sudden I'm like the last thing I remember is feeling like something's really wrong And I come up from out of the water like like choking on water. I passed out underwater so I come up from underwater just like I'm like fighting the pass out, and then I'm trying to use my legs, and they're just like Jello, and they do never was just laughing at me, and I'm like Screaming freaking out and then I go out again, and I come to and I'm like screaming freaking out and then I go out again and I come to and I'm like You know, I think I passed out and they're like, yeah, dude

You fucking smack your face on the side of the pool. Holy shit. I was like, I was like no I did it And they're like, yeah, I couldn't I was so adrenalized. I couldn't feel anything that I touched my face It was just blood everywhere. And then yeah, so I fucking smacked my chin on the board Was your mom and dad there? No, my mommy and daddy were asleep. This is late. Oh, it's late night so everyone thought I was sure everyone thought it was like a severe aqua bruski tumble because we like I like Last thing everyone saw my That's a slight bruski tumble dude, what is the last thing everyone saw you carrying a bottle of tequila I sweat too much at Longwood Gardens

You took a fucking bruski tumble, dude. Welcome to the club. I was explaining to my friends the worst brewski... because my buddy had a delay at the airport, and I was like, for real, there's nothing better than... he was like, fuck, my flight got delayed. I was like, I celebrate a delay. It's like, dude, if you have no...

I have to drink. There's nothing to do. So getting hammered in airports, like one of my favorite things. It's fun. And I explained to him the worst Sparouski tumble I ever took was that Jett slipped in the bathroom with JFK and O'Connor walked in while I was on my side

laying on the bathroom floor. And this was right after me and him had an argument. So I had to be like, fuck you dude, I'm still right. From the ground of the, but uh. The Democrats are bullshit. Yeah, it was like, can you at least admit he, Trump is more cognizant. I was like, Anakin in the lava, just, I fucking hate you.

But no, I hit it down and back myself this week. Did you really? Big time pull took two tries to get it. Did you really? Yeah, and then I got it and I thought I was gonna impress some women that were there and not one person was looking. I surface like dark red fully out of breath and I was like, you guys see that? Everyone was like, ew. Why's that guy panting? That's good you hit the down and back though. It was a big down and back for me. I almost died trying to get it dude.

I for real, if they got it I didn't try that for myself. I was ready to die, yeah. I entered that phase. Yeah. It had to be done. It was just buzzing. Dude, I've done down and back. I was like, what the fuck's going on?

I'm telling you. You had your blood pressure. It was Longwood Gardens. It was the tequila. Dude, my brother brought me to Longwood Gardens. He brought my whole family and they had been bragging. They were like, dude, in Pennsylvania. Longwood Gardens. It was the tequila. Dude, my brother brought me to Longwood Gardens, brought my whole family in it. They had been bragging, they were like, dude, in Pennsylvania. Longwood Gardens fucking blows, dude.

Longwood Gardens, when was the last time you went there? Never. It's tight. Longwood Gardens is tight. I've seen pictures. It's tight, dude. I went there, they have like, I'm trying to figure out my landscaping right now too,

because I want to fix the front of my house. You want to see the highest level. It was inspo. Yeah, I wanted to see what, I was like, whatever the DuPonts, that's the DuPonts property. It's hundreds I maybe it's a hundred acres and they had like I guess a house with a terranium where you just walk in So I was like, let's get out of the heat. I'm like, oh, here's a building

It's just a fucking greenhouse to swamp walk into there dude. They're all like it's been like 60 degrees at night time I'm like, oh finally get a break from the weather. I go in there dude. It was 93 degrees Maybe 75 percent humidity it was brutal so I go into a greenhouse and I'm like I guess it's cooler in here than you hit a pocket you're just instantly just covered in sweat so then I fucked up my swimming dude being the whole room off the whole fucking room off didn't get any fucking sleep I got no I went to my parents house my mom won't

turn on the air she turns on the air conditioning, but barely. It's a fight. It's crazy. You gotta control it. I can't, I'm not gonna, that's one thing. I don't touch people's thermostats. I will touch my parents' thermostat. Will you really?

Yeah. Just go and crank it out. And then I'll hear Phil walk over and change it immediately. Like, who's doing this? It's literally, he'll change it one degree. He'll put it back up one. That's so funny. He's an asshole for that. Well, we were staying in my sister's old room It's literally he'll change it one degree. I'll put it back up one He's an asshole for that Well, we were staying in my sister's old room and that was like notoriously the one room of the house

It like doesn't get heat in the winter doesn't get air Dude, so it was like me Brittany and like we're in like a full bed and then there's our one daughter's in a pack and play So every time she was she had a cough so we were in there. It's like 80 something degrees I'm sweating my balls off Brittany's next to me anytime. We would like touch each other We'd just be like just to fuck off me and then our daughter would just start coughing so you just both go stiff He's what she coughs. She'll like slightly wake up, and if I like get up and look at her She sees me that's two and a half hours of her being like So I got like no sleep, but. I was like the most un-relaxing trip I think I might have had in my life.

Post-Brewski tumble? This was leading up to the Brewski tumble. Oh, this was the night before. This was like two nights before. There's a lot of factors. I got no sleep, dude. No sleep. Zero sleep.

Sweat all day. Can't get any motherfucking pussy in that house either. And no pussy. Can't get no motherfucking pussy. I was, it was the cry of the predator last night, dude. Yeah, you let it out. I was like, ahhh! Yeah, you let it out.

Oh my God, did I ever. Did I ever. I thought about running one back a historical shower beat in that house. That'd be crazy. Oh, throw that. I might have screamed. If I came back to the scene of my sexual evolution

in the shower, that would've been nuts, dude. I always was. I might have met the wizard twice that week. Yeah, you sexual evolution in the shower, I would be nuts dude. I always I might have met the wizard twice that But yeah, I returned to the scene of the crime often really yeah every time I went parents house That's great. It is a weird feeling jacking off in the same room you used to yeah, you go damn. I'm I've done nothing I'm still here. This is my true purpose. I'm still here jacking off Yeah, it was it is disorienting when you know I was like staying because I haven't like lived in there for a long time So when I stayed there for long stretches of time, I just I start feeling like kind of weird Not like a bad way, but I kind of start feeling like oh, yeah, dude

I like to live my whole life in this fucking place. Yeah, just sitting there I'm like now I got my fucking wife and my cheering in here. I kept fucking with Brittany. I said Brittany That's what happens if it all falls that she was like, it's so fucking hot in this room I said, hey man, you need to be a team player if it all falls down is exactly where we'll be You're an asshole. I was like get ready We're gonna be in the hot room. We're gonna be in the hot room. We're gonna sleep in the hot room with my parents. With four kids.

A bunch of fucking immigrants. Fuck. Crap. Three different families in this bedroom. Spilled matcha on my wound. Yeah, we'll be in the hot room, dude, just chilling. We'll have a multi-generational household. I do like, it was fun to tease her with that.

She's like so hey man Don't know how good you have all for it. Don't know how good you have it man. This is look. Yeah, I'm not I'd like having a box fan. It was kind of something nice box fans nice I just had a sheet around my penis in case like my parents came in and I just laid there naked on the bed The box fan blowing on me. It was just like this out. It's kind of fucking rule Yeah, that does rule dude. It was awesome. I look like an old Carfaggio painting Cappaggio Car is Caravaggio Caravaggio Caravaggio Carpaggio old master Carpaggio That's who I was Caravaggio Caravaggio Carpaggio Old master Carpaggio

I'm sure there's a fucking Carpaggio somewhere. That's who I was talking about Carpaggio did some painting. Did you ding your chin up as well? No, this is it. Okay, man. I nicked it Fuck you popped it up. Yeah fucking yeah Anxiously ripped at it last night. What else you under a dumbass? No, what else you gonna do? I'm gonna tell you can do my stomach pimples are coming back. I think it's chocolate. It's definitely chocolate It's chocolate. I eat chocolate. My stomach breaks out That's crazy. It's insane, dude could have been long one good long wood garden sweating Could be I would imagine it's sweating Could be but I'm telling no I'll sweat I you know that's

all I do is sweat yeah but then you usually shower after you work out right actually I know you dirty ass I'm gonna go back out in the heat I might as well just be dirty all day I used to work outside all day this is how I rationalize I was like dude I used to work outside all day for like eight hours yeah what the fuck's the difference if I just wait till 430 shower off anyway? I'm actually I've absconded for my ma'am the lady my like a virtual lady personal trainer Yeah, tell her to stay the fuck out of it. I'm on the run right now She's an email. I ghosted her she's an email me like Matt. What's going on? I'm like nothing. I'm really busy right now

I can't do this anymore. You're in chocolate all week I know I went the logs went dark and I have I was like I'll email her today And I'm like just one more day glory, dude You earned it bro. I did I thought I almost killed myself in the pool. Yes, or sizing Dude pull knockout is for real so fun One of the balls like you know when you peel all like the skin off of a basketball It's the fuzzy stuff in the water. It gets slimy for some reason so every now and again You'd catch the slime ball, dude

It was like 50 pounds. It was so fucking fun Did you get to fight? During knockout There's a little push you gotta be able to push are you allowed to throw the other ball? There's a little blocking yeah, the rules got bad immediately If your ball goes out of the water, and you see that the ball just jump and smack Yeah, I get your ball the water the rules start at the bend a little bit there, but yeah, it was it's fun I was fucking out of the water and you see the ball just jump and smack you and go and get your ball out of the water. The rules started to bend a little bit there. But yeah, it was uh, it's fun. I was fucking out of breath. We had a good time. Yeah, we had a nice, we had a shindig here on the fourth. Oh, you would like this.

We set off some fireworks in the front. I saw the remains. Dude, the neighbors came out. We're like, hey, shut up. And I was like, shut the fuck up. I was, you know, we had a couple drinks. I was like, shut up. And I was like, shut the fuck up. I was, you know, we had a couple drinks. So I was like, hey, shut the fuck up. The old man across the street? No, down the, they were young. Oh, fuck that.

And they came out and they're like, hey, keep it down. They just want to watch the fireworks. So I was like, shut the fuck up. So then we were setting off fireworks and then they stayed and watched. So then I got some Roman candles and shot it at them and they all ran. And then I woke up the next day, like,

whoa, shot fireworks at my and they all ran. Then I woke up the next day like, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, shot fireworks at my neighbors, holy shit. So they were jokingly coming out and being like, yeah, I was keeping it high, it wasn't hitting them. You just hit it over you. Yeah, I was like, I know what you mean. Little chin music. Put the angle above it.

Yeah, brushed them off the playroom. 30 degrees? Yeah, I had Napoleon'd up. Sure, what was that one thing when you opened the cannons on the citizens? Yeah. They came like, turn it off. True. What was that one thing when he opened the cannons on the citizens? They came like, turn it off. True. Damn, you had the candles and shit? Yeah. Where'd you get fireworks from? Yoni, Hinchcliffe's bro, he brought over like a mortar and was firing like real fireworks.

It was crazy. It was comical how intense the fireworks were. Yeah, dude. When you go to those like Phantom Fireworks stores, they sell like real shit, and I don't know if you're allowed to do that here seems like it There's a zillion fire. I just mean like the fire hazard here Oh, they probably come shut you down. Yeah, but yeah, you can get a we pass a fireworks or like 20 minutes outside the city But yeah, I like the little ground guys do just give me the yeah, we had the ground guys go cracklers Yeah, yeah yeah I've become my dad in terms of hating fireworks when I see him I'm like Jesus fucking yeah you wake up the neighbors sulfur that lands on your roof it's not gonna

stop fucking burning so I was thinking he was hit me with his hatred for fireworks say it's fucking sulfur it lands on your roof you can put that out he's he was an absolute full effect all weekend. He is so fucking funny. Yeah, what else happened at the fourth? Guard, right when we got there, Guard Dog ate some mushrooms, was freaked out. Really, what'd you have? I had these chocolates,

but I think they were expired chocolates. So they kind of hurt my- Expired chocolates. Expired chocolates. If you hang out down here, if you get get a sudden accident you'll just be gump. Yeah. You had some expired chocolates? I had some expired chocolates and they hurt my belly a little bit and then I ate more because I because I was foolish. Did you have a belly ache or a panic attack? What happened? I had a belly ache that led into a panic attack. No You kept it together pretty well. I kept it together pretty well, but I was I could tell you were nonverbal for about two hours

You were spinning. I was how many squares did you have foe? That's decent. Oh squares are damn near half the bar isn't I started on two and then I hit two mo After about an hour. I was like this is gonna be the best day ever. I need to take more mushrooms You had a bellyache? Yeah, bellyache on mushrooms would send me into a fucking house pain I told you about the... yeah I told you last week I had half of one at McCaffrey's wedding And he started to bug?

Yeah, I told you this. This is when... right? Yeah, that's when they... Yeah, when you saw the moon? Yeah, I was sitting outside looking at it now, yeah But I was sitting outside in a rocking chair looking at the stars and a dude comes up Cause I was in that party that was like intense. Yeah, yeah. Then I came outside and a guy was like,

my cousin looks retarded, we say he looks like you, and I was just like, oh shit dude. I was just freaking out. Dude, sometimes the lower doses are worse. It was just a little, I thought I'd be fine. Yeah, but when you have enough, you kind of just like, you're kind of out of your normal mental sphere. Yeah, I was just slightly high,

and physically the body high with it. I was like, I think I'm gonna faint at the fucking martini party. That happens at weddings. I like to take a little bit of mushrooms. You take a fucking espresso martini tumble at a fucking, that's the most embarrassing thing. That's a girl martini tumble.

They do look delicious. I never had one before. As soon as I took the mushroom, I went and grabbed an espresso martini and chugged it. I was just sad. Just to counterbalance it. As soon as I took the mushroom I went and grabbed a espresso martini and chugged it Yeah, if you fell after if you took an espresso martini tumble that might be how you end up as one of those guys on Instagram in a tweed suit you're like who says guys can't look good Who says a man can't look good anymore god damn it I Did a cool slam dunk with the me easy to cure I watched that that helped to John Cena's entrance music

That helps as cool as it gets. Yeah, I heard you guys started a gay only fans and everyone's finding out about What the hell yeah, you guys could probably make some money dude 50. What the hell? Yeah, you guys could probably make some money, dude. We might be able to. If you did like real soft core shit, like no, nothing genital. Just like, like, start with the early ones. Start with Twitch, Twitch streaming, you guys shirtless playing video games in there. Anytime you do well, you like jump on each other and hug. And that's like that's the little tiptoeing into it a little.

Yeah, like for more subscribers you do like you know More degraded acts you'd be thick and thin Every kind of nice. It's a nice name. It's got a nice ring to it does When it comes time to actually penetrate each other sexually who's doing what I? Think I'm out What wait you're telling me you don't want to have gay sex with one of them I Think our Dini's a top dude Like I think you're a little hungry you yeah, I think our Dini would take the top

But you got all those cheeks you got all those cheeks You're so voluptuous. All right. What if it's panties in the mouth? Now it's three dogs going at it. Nate's entered full on the fit. The Kirby. Yeah, the dog, the butter dog, but a dog. You brought the lady. Tommy's got a the butter dog but a dog you brought the lady Tommy's got a new butter dog Tommy's butter dog. Yes, everyone's getting dogs now first step Yeah, step. They'll have that's a kid in a month big old babies in their bellies very soon You get the kid you get the dogs first Then you just completely sacrifice the dogs the kids you're like, yeah, I don't give a fuck

Yeah, I learned that at a pretty young age. Yeah, my bro got my bro got a dog with his chick Immediately she got pregnant. It's something happens man. I didn't know that that was a Yeah, as soon as you bought the dog everyone was like, oh You guys gonna have a kid. It's a tester because the dogs is seven year eight Not you know, yeah, Mipman or whatever. Yeah, whatever however long it lived. Put the fucking thing down, dude You see one lamp you go. I rescue them usually they rescue with her like to you And then you know you got another seven years and that thing's gonna die So that's like the first once you get a dog with a girl

Then I think it could green light goes off in her head and she does yeah She's time for you to crumb cups your butt cheeks and goes no no the leg lock this Is you with the fucking leg lock. Yeah, exactly. And who are we to resist a leg lock, dude? It can happen to any of us. Our bodies are designed to complete that act. A leg lock is impossible.

Pulling out is impossible. I don't know who, like, I mean, I do it, but it's like, you're fighting everything. There's a part, there's literally, even my inner monologues like she'd be a good mother Do it I Try I try to get those like right before I pull out together There's like couple real waves of intensity for you. I'm like you get the last couple not yet Then you go oh, there's a little

I got greedy again. I got greedy again. There's my front runners any Oh, there's a little I got greedy again. There's my front runners any You know there's a there's a good show I didn't finish it I fell asleep last night But it's about a this Dutch guy that was he was a sperm donor. He would do it offline He had like a thousand kids. Yeah, but he was like a youtuber his videos are the funniest fucking he's like Today I'm in Rome. It is very beautiful here He's like with long hair playing guitar and shit, but then he would he would talk about coming in these ladies It's all just lesbians. It's all just Dutch lesbians. What they're like, he is very good. I hire him to come in my pussies He is semen is very strong.

They're very excited about how strong this guy's jizz is. It's pretty great. Then it turns out he's a freak that loves impregnating. Dude, he would jack off in a cup, they would drive to his house, take the cup, keep it between their legs to keep the sperm warm, drive home and turkey basted in. This one lady-

Why do you have a baster parlor in his house? Eventually it just leads to him being like, Let me just do it. I'll just do it, it'll be our secret. I won't tell anyone else. And he was basting lesbians in fucking Holland. That's crazy. One lady was driving home and was like,

I got lost, the sperm's gonna die, I'm just gonna do it right here. She pulled over, took a syringe of this guy's jizz and injected it under like a fucking bridge. It's like dudes You imagine if that's how you were conceived in there lesbian mom talked about on Netflix Oh, that's rough your fucking tube, baby on a fucking highway and that's fucking rough. God damn Turns out as a guy who was tricking everyone So they didn't know how many people he was dealing with? What was the trick?

No, he was doing it off, like online. Like not like through a professional thing. And then he was also donating to sperm banks, which you're only allowed to donate like X amount of times. That makes sense. Because then the whole population is one retarded guy's kid. So he was tricking them. He was actually doing it is one retarded guy's kid. Yeah. So he was tricking them, he was actually doing it

on the side, it was like his thing, he liked. How do you get the word, I guess you can get the word of mouth on that pretty good. Yes, because he fucked so many people. Yeah. Like the one lady worked with another lady that did the same thing. Like our guy's name is Jonathan.

She's like, my guy's name's Jonathan. What? Here's a picture of him, they're like, holy shit, our kids are siblings. That's pretty cool. name is Jonathan. What here's a picture of him They're like, holy shit our kids are siblings That's pretty cool. And they all started and then everyone started being like our kids are siblings. Yeah I'll kind of go to the park. They'd be like that kid looks like our kid. Oh, no, they go Did you get a surrogate? And they're like, yeah Duff fuck you can't get that fuck. He's not getting trouble for it. Is he just I don't know I didn't finish it

I'm sure he gets in trouble for it. You think so? Yeah, it's illegal. Too much jazz. I think online you're allowed to do it. Yeah, I mean. But I think it's illegal if you keep going to sperm banks and doing it.

That's true. I think. It's funny you can pay to have a guy just pie you. Yeah. But you can't pay to get a blow job. I mean, obviously wants to create life I get the difference but it is fun Yeah, ones ones, you know head creates life true. Yeah gives you more life true Gives you energy the head gives you life

Things are not that bad You give four minutes after you jizz in a lady's mouth to lay in bed and go whoo. Yeah. Things are looking up. What happened to the Dutchman? I said how many times can you donate sperm? There's no legal limit but sperm banks only allow you to sire between 25 to 30 children. It's a fucking lot. Yeah, it's crazy That's a lot sire is cool sire Yeah, 25 to 30 is the max it would be funny to like for that guy to be like real professional about it Like look, I do this all the time. It's not a big deal as soon as he's coming big Just do a different position

Just do a different position. Come here. Pointer hair and shit. Put these pillows on your butt. Yeah, he would start flirting with him. Like in the professional texts, he would start like you look really pretty. You know, damn, you get it going. And these ladies don't get a lot of attention. Yeah, so they're excited about it.

And they're all lesbians. Yeah, yeah. I don't get a lot of attention. Yeah, so they're excited about it And they're all lesbians Yeah, yeah, I don't know about all of them. But yeah, okay. Yeah good amount. We're not talking the finest looking ladies I hear you. Yeah, just some Dutch Sturdy lesbians. I think he literally describes one of them as sturdy. Does he really in like the you're very beautiful You look very sturdy Something like that that it's great it's this tattoo lady she's tattoo artist she's covered in tattoos dude the euro youtube is so funny of guys in france being like i'm going to find out who has the best croissant today i am in france wow guys follow me into france 100 views 25 views wow i'm going to come inside of a lesbian

Yeah, that's there was always those guys in the night. There was a big thing in the 90s to be like Yeah, I fuck this chick. She was a lesbian, but now she's straight Yeah, that was a big thing. I think that's died out. I don't like anyone's doing that anymore But yo her friend was a lesbian. I fucking broke her off and now she's straight Do you think I just talk about it? No, I think they you done that in the man? What are you talking about? No, I think they're doing it in the reverse way now where the gay people are trying to turn to straight people. Gay?

Who the fuck do you know? What do you mean? My brother. They got him. God damn it. We lost him. So what do they do? They just target you and take you down?

Or how does it work? Yeah, I think, yeah, it's definitely a targeted sitch, you know? Or like, this guy seems vulnerable. He seems lonely. Let's make him gay. Yeah. Yeah. What do they see? Like walking on your tippy toes? How do they know? How do they know you're up for it?

They see it. They see a sneeze. Yeah, true. They see you go, and they go, yo, there he is. Yeah, if you sneeze, like, oh, fuck. They're like, oh, yeah, they're like, fuck that guy.

True, if you walk in, like, hit a doorway accidentally. Ow. Ow, I banged my elbow on the wall. Oh, there he is. Fuck that guy. Get that little fruity bowl. That would be nice I'll say this if you're a gay guy like taking down straight guys, that would be a pretty sweet victory So there's one less guy that can call me gay ever in his life. Oh true He's out of the party's off. Yeah, he can never come pieces out. I jumped him. Yep

He can never say, you know boys got a little sugar in his tank But you are really fucking you know It depends how that how it's done if you have it's a if you're at a bar guys drinking you suck his dick That's really you really altered that guy's entire life Like you really fucked his whole life up. It is funny to think about a dude who's like genuinely straight, who gets like so wound up and just kind of like confused,

gets drunk and like gets his dick sucked by a guy. It's a very funny thing to think about. Just be like, I don't know man, I don't know what I'm gonna do with my life. And it's like, I'll watch a movie with you. Oh shit. Oh fuck. Oh fuck dude. Oh no. Oh fuck. Oh god. Hold on, hold on. Everyone do with my life, and it's like I'll watch movie with you

It is Lassie you remember like so the aliens just land and they don't talk anybody What else is she and I've seen her before. Oh shit! You just gonna put it behind me and suck it? What the fuck? I didn't even know it could go back to... You got it. You got it. Oh shit dude. Men have G spots. You just getting milked and sucked. I got in a nice fight.

You would have appreciated it. I've been watching girl TV. There's a lady around and I was watching a girl show, her and her friend and we were watching RuPaul's Drag Race. Yeah. I had a couple of Bruce's. I think it was after, might have been the 4th of July.

Was it after the 4th? Yeah, I was, yeah. You're patriotic, yeah? I was patriotic as fuck. We were watching RuPaul's Drag Race, and they were laughing, and I was like, all right, so you guys are laughing at them also. Like, this is silly.

And they're like, no, we're laughing because you don't, we're laughing at you watching it. And I was like, that's not true, you laughed at that guy. And then it devolved into maybe like, you're laughing at him, admit you're laughing at him. Cause it is weird. I'm going to bed. When I went to bed, he's trying to apologize.

He just came out in a dress like, is this funny? It is funny. That's the whole point of the show. It is funny. They're sassy. I think the sass is like the sass factor. Yeah, they're funny. But're sassy. I think the sass is like the sass Yeah, funny. Yeah, also like every once in a while cut to a guy with like a blonde Like a yellow bowl cut and yellow eyebrows like and I'm gonna win the next competition girl

Everyone laughs cuz that's funny I'm not claiming that all the funniness was on you They were saying that I was a bigot the entire time and that's why it was funny to watch and I was like no But they are funny and I watch you laugh at them. Yeah, they're funny. They are anyway, and yeah, I couldn't They are silly. They're being silly. They're being very silly. They're being the most silly possible possibly too silly You know Well, yeah, what's the distinction between full trans is like you want the full experience the boobs like steve-o dude How crazy is that Steve owes getting tits? Remember I talked about how funny be for dudes to get just be a dude, but how hold down like a solid rack

He's doing that dude Yeah, dude. I think I affected the morphogenetic field, dude The aura maybe he was just on those tits already. Maybe he put that thought in me, I don't know. It just beamed out of his tits. Sorry, I was trying to look up Steve-O's tits. Steve-O's getting them. And instead, the first thing I saw was my dad sent me a link.

Penlive.com, that's our local newspaper. The day a bear, the moment a bear fell from a tree near Trinity High School. Thank you Phil It's actually hilarious. They drank the bear. Yeah, that was your trip Yeah, I thought they shot that thing What's good you see his titty didn't he didn't he says he's getting bees these I was getting bees Obviously, he eats fucking paper clips. He's not gonna get like a cups He's gonna get big fat double D's. He's gonna have to get like strong to hold those up. Why?

Steve was getting tits. He needs to do drugs No offense I miss the whip it Steve. Oh, dude. I Mean dude if you hold it down like I'm hetero I just want to have a big fat rack on me The case I was making is that would be erotic to squeeze on this squeeze on your titties sit there and it's fucking that's fucking You don't think he's trying to make a stealth a stealth like slow trans move that's the move I mean, you know, he's hitting the full if you're getting tits and you're going, nah, I'm just fucking around. Like, nah, dude.

Yeah. I don't know, could be a slow, stealth trans. But again, it's like, I don't know if he holds, he might just hold down some titties, dude. Keep it a buck. It's crazy he's doing that. I saw Bam, Bam was in talks with Bare Knuckle Boxing. What?

Yeah, Bam's transitioning to straight as fuck. Bam's winning, dude. Let's do a bare knuckle boxing. I don't know. That's kinda cool. That'd be cool for him to get into that. I mean, he's got a high pain tolerance. I don't know, we've been watching a lot of...

Steve has lower backs, I'm gonna be killing him with those titties now. People that are not trained fighting, we've been watching the fucking street beefs. You've watched street beef, you've seen it. It's just a backyard. Oh yeah, I have seen that actually. I get upset because it's always just like

the most jacked black dude that does, that actually trains boxing versus a gas station white guy. I know. It's always a gas station white guy. I know. And the gas station, you can tell they can't fight because the first time they get hit, they turn around. They run, they get hit they turn around

Like spin around they're always on their toes like I know Every night, they'll get a crazy white boy though every now and again They do get some crazy white boys that clearly do jujitsu and shit. Oh Boy, Dave's the best. Well, he's like a 55 year old Vietnamese dude. Really? There's the Italian stallion is me Italian stallion. He's like in Washington. I haven't seen the Italian. He's like a old drunk guy And he does well. Yeah he does. There's Shinagami. Shinagami is arguably one of the most powerful fighters in Street Beefs and he's Caucasian Really? Alright. Although he presents as Asian. He wears like a full karate get up. They all do. Yeah, yeah. Even the it's a million black nerds. Yeah, Yeah, black nerds wearing fucking anime head wraps and shit verse gas station white dudes

And the gas station whites get fucking slaughtered. Yeah, they got beat up That's crazy shout out to them for even taking on the challenge. Street beefs is awesome. It's crazy. I've seen it I probably showed it to me a lot. I think to watch it's crazy. I only watched it Like I'll see like clips online and never sat down and watched two-hour compilations That's like they'll like fight in like a drainage ditch off like the side of the road in, California. Oh Really if I'm thinking of the right thing there might be another one This one's like more of an organized like a shitty fence ring. Yeah, and there's like kids watching it and people smoke Yeah, that's where they base the

UFC mini game on. Backyard balls? Yeah, it seems that way. I think they based that off of Kimbo. Okay, gotcha. That seems more Kimbo to me. But did, whatchamacallit, just fight Maus? Nate Dioz won.

It was just boxing, right? Just boxing, it was fucking great. He blew up his ass? It was a very close fight. Wasn't it? But Nate won, yeah. Nate had volume. Classic Nate Dioz. Did you hear McGregor bet five hundred thousand bucks on it now? Who'd he bet on miles of a Nate Diaz?

Oh, hell yeah, and he won nice. He's back to 1.7. Millie. That's crazy I just saw this morning. He bet 500 grand. He basically called it. He was like nice So gonna box on out hit him. He's on a box ball. He said they're both losers for doing just boxing he attacked both I'm he's like the both You you call it child's play he's like it's child's play either way But I'm gonna make some easy money here, and he was right he won I mean he was he was right about the fact Nate was just gonna help awesome So yeah, and that's pretty cool. You'll be Anthony Pettis

Yeah And Chris Bielo beat Anthony Pettis. Oh, I didn't see that. Yeah. Boxing or just... Boxing. That's a good idea for UFC to get into like just straight up boxing matches too. Do they really? The slap leagues gotta stop dude. The slap leagues crazy. I caught some slap league backstage at the Creek in the Cave one night.

It's intense. It's terrible. They keep inviting me. You wanna talk about Gas Station Whites dude. Yeah. That's the... That's Gas Station Whites. Those are the boss level Gas Station Whites. They're big about gas station whites dude. Yeah, that's that's gas station. Why those are boss level gas station Street beef gas station whites are like yeah, you've seen them. Yeah. Yeah, they're literally the like the there's the 717 boys There's two Harrisburg boys hilarious. I think it's outside of Baltimore

Wherever they do this Northern Virginia, and it was like Virginia and Washington West Coast yeah Virginia's where it started I think yeah cuz the guys were like Ravens gear all time did they really the 717 brothers got in there it was hilarious they did they had a street beef with these two dudes that clearly do jujitsu and they did a two-on-two fight did they really yeah both the gas station whites got fucking jujitsu Do they have an actual beef or is it just kind of like that seem like a real beef really yeah?

Shit you settle your beef in the ring. Sometimes. It's actual real beef between guys like the neighbors You really want we watch the two neighbors. They just brought it to two guys that didn't like each other that were neighbors They say the one guy wore a Pittsburgh Steelers polo Boxing match with the other guy wore the baggiest sweatpants you've ever seen they looked just two fat guys that were like They were just like all right the fights over you guys are tired Do they get this is channel like taking down or like because I imagine like people are trying to shut it down It's probably it's probably enormous There's this one guy named baby Hulk baby Hulk was a beef. I know baby Hulk baby. Hulk is that jacked black dude

He's who's the jacked black dude. That's like four foot two baby. Hulk baby. Hulk baby. Hulk terrifying yeah, that's who I saw I saw Actually a midget. Yeah, you got a real UFC. He's nice. He looks like a creative player. He does He's a creative player. Yeah, he's kind of nice though. Baby Hulk was surprising I saw him go against someone way bigger than him and he knocked him out. Yeah, there's a compilation of that There's a really funny one every once in a while a dude just puts his hands down. It's like I have a chin Yeah, cannot hurt me and they get fucking knocked out just Jesus Christ.

I love old boy Dave. Old boy Dave is awesome. Old boy Dave just leg kicks black guys that don't really know how to fight. Solid move. It's a convenience store beef. I don't see anything wrong with that strategy. Yeah, baby Hulk's terrifying, dude. That's my move in UFC.

True. Donny, dude, when's the last time UFC. That's true Don't you do that once last time you watch laply I watch it. It's fucking crazy It said the whole time you watch it Page vans and just did it and your face just gets all Fucking red and the whole time they tell you it's smacked in the face and they go like nah That wasn't it and then eventually the guy that wasn't shit I guess it's judged on it how much you move unless you know like if you like Move it's a certain amount of I watched a couple of matches and the guy one guy goes like this. He goes

Yeah, they all do that. They all do that solace just going what really is they usually hit like Mops. Yeah, there's this one guy named slap. Jesus. He goes on one. He's always like right on one he goes No slap league no, I can't do you guys after you guys do like your only fans you You guys did a homoerotic slap league and be nice Yeah,otic slap league it would be nice. Yeah play slap league and stop it. Slap your butt. Instead of your face. Yeah slap your butt whoever judges.

Butt slap league would be crazy. Spank league. That would be a safer alternative. I think so yeah. Dude if you had to put your ass on the line. That would be crazy. I think so, yeah. Dude, if you had to put your ass on the line, is it a guy? That would be crazy. That would be loco.

That would be crazy. That would be loco, dude. Five star league would be nice. When was the last time you caught a five star across the back? Nine and a while. Someone just takes their hand on your bare back and just slaps you and leaves like a handprint? It's been a long time. I think that would bother me. Yeah, I don't think I would handle that great a five-star

I think I that would result in a teary-eyed scream That's a teary-eyed scream at the party What the fuck is your problem the fuck dude, it's not even funny Catch it a five star would suck. I think I would yell my way into teary-eyed First this I'd be like that's not you think I'm funny There's nothing worse than talking yourself into a cry that's the only time that's the only way I cry now So it's like what's wrong? Man you all right Yeah, it's just that

I'm fine. I'm trying to think of the last time I cried. It's been a while since I caught a real one. Yeah. I can get a nice emo cry. Yeah. Like just from something nice. I got teary eyed watching a fucking JFK speech. Did you really?

Yeah. Did you watch when he did the real debate? No, I didn't watch it. I didn't did you watch when he did the real debate? No, I didn't watch it. I didn't get to watch it either. I don't watch it. I didn't get to see it either I heard it was good. I gotta check it out. Sure. It is. Do you see him catching the rattlesnake on social media? Dude, he you see him catching a rattlesnake. He's missing critters now. I saw him covered in bugs the other day Yeah, you catch it. Do you literally covered head to toe? I was covered in bugs. He's covered in ladybugs He was talking to birds the other day. Whoever's running social media is failing him.

No. You can't be covered in bugs. If you saw the snake vid, you'd be pumped on the bugs. I'm pumped on him. Did you see the snake vid? No. He catches a rattlesnake in a butterfly net, dude, and grabs it by the head.

It's fucking crazy. He's on a zoo. I like it. And you see little Teddy Rose is based watching them dude yeah but you can tell his babes like oh my god I can't look he's a nature boy he's just pushing her up there but I can't have a candidate covered in bugs what kind of bugs were they first of all ladybugs dude ladybugs rule no it's an infestation lady I used to have ladybugs in my old house. I actually, I love them. You didn't believe in germs.

I didn't believe in germs. These ladybugs are healthy. I question germ theory, dude. It's a relatively new theory. Turns out it's right. It's right. It nailed it on the head. Well, I'll find the bugs.

I question germ theory and I got like a third world eye infection. That shit fucked me up, man. What happened? Google epidemic crano conjunctivitis. Shit, fuck your boy up, dude. Did you die? Did you go? I was like this. Every night, 11 o'clock, my eye would just start,

the white blood cells for six months after I got the infection would rush to my eye, and I'd be like... Holy shit. It was fucked up. Did you go to the doctor? Yeah, eventually. I didn't health care so like I kind of And I begged my mommy I was like mommy. I'm really scared. I think I'm gonna I think I have the Ray Charles disease. Can you please send me to the fucking die doctor, please? Please you would you do well with the Ray Charles. It would just be piano

You'd be so nice on the house at my aunt Kathy's house for 4th of July and she has a fucking organ in her house Oh my god, that's awesome. She has an organ? Yeah, it's so sick Lucy is made for your nicotine routine and delivered straight to your door It's a hundred percent pure nicotine and always tobacco free. You can choose pouches gum and our favorite breakers Breakers are pouches but with a capsule of liquid flavor inside that helps saturate the pouch Breakers are available in four milligram or eight milligram, including flavor mint, berry citrus, and espresso. Pouches go all the way up to 12 milligrams.

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I'll be at the Dojo East on August 14th. Where's the Dojo East? In Moores Plains, New Jersey. Why are you after this? I don't remember. And a Huggies at the Nook in Westfield, Mass. And then the comedy scene at Foxboro, Mass. It's next to the Patriot Stadium.

Yeah. You're gonna wanna see Lameezy live, it's wonderful. Yeah. He's always fully composed. Yeah. Harry, you forgot your baseball. Please come to Optimum Noctus the first Tuesday of August, August 6th at the Creek in the Cave, please,

and then I'll be in San Diego August 15th, Tacoma August 16th, 17th, and Spokane August 18th. That's great Thank you, please come Thank you guys The show and go to San Jose go to San Jose fucks so you know you can get pianos for like nothing Can't find the bugs. It's not that expensive to move pianos and everyone who has a piano a lot of people don't want it anymore So if you just there's a ton of free pianos you can just get moving a piano is not that much money I thought it'd be like $5,000 yeah it's

like a couple hunch so you have a brand new baby grand you guys string it up outside your house that would be nice drop it on a fucking coyote that would be bad too just to put one in my backyard let it get rained on let it degrade and just be like all right Give me a new free piano move it to this house Yeah, play outside in the rain would be fucking awesome, dude, that'd be crazy Playing fucking what's that spoons or now? What's the I know how to I I've like I'm trying to learn the basics of cocktail piano

So I can play like that real slow like hotel music. I got it. I've like I'm trying to learn the basics of cocktail piano So I can play like that real slow like hotel music. I got it I can really I'm I've learned I'm good at like learning little tricks of things to make it look like I'm really good at things When in fact if people just look a little bit deeper they beg this guy's no idea what he's doing I've learned the seventh chords. Oh, yeah It is a Trump dog move You can learn these like seventh chords and they're like kind of easy to play and if you just hit them They sound good and you like if you just hit the keys here and there someone's bad at piano. It's a real problem Yeah, it sucks the Salt Lake City Airport has a piano in the main people are always on that fucking stinking it up

If somebody's good, it's fine. But every once while a bomb will get on there Suck on the a thousand people have to listen always on that fucking thing. Stinking it up. And if somebody's good, it's fine. But every once in a while, a bomb will get on there. Just suck on it. And there's the 1,000 people that have to listen. Yeah, there was one in the Concord Mall and I went there last summer to visit. I came up from Baltimore to say hi to just my family. And I met my sister at the Concord Mall and her kids hopped on it with me and they were just, people were sitting there trying to eat soboro just like Just we thought things couldn't get any lower. Yeah

You're eating a bag of any ends at a table by yourself People start banging on piano goes a four-year-old on the piano Yeah, Conker mall still hanging in there the Conker mall in Wilmington, Delaware. It's like it's a mall in there the Concord Mall in Wilmington, Delaware it's like it's a mall Hanging on dude dude. They've entered the phase of like Chinese bookstore plant shop Or it's just like they sell like shit. Yeah, they sell like Hardy Boys books and just like bamboo shoots like for real It's just there's like they sell plants and like statues and like five eventually it all gets swallowed by a fucking Outdoorsman shop. Yeah, it was giant fucking giant bass, bro. Yeah Shit notice favorite store. That is the bug man the bug man rfk jr. Dude confident

You love that you love the store too. It is a fun store to go in my little my brother's So Phil Phil stop at them when we would drive. He would go in and look at stuffed deer. Yeah. That's a good looking deer. I asked my dad about it. I was like, have you been to Bass Pro? And he was like, dude, you spend hours in there.

So I go there with your mom, and mom's like, you don't need any of this stuff. I'm like, would you relax? Dude, he fucking, just like, my dad could go look at like pocket knives for like four hours. Yeah, my dad takes the kids. My nieces and nephews is like a trip

We're like we're gonna go to the Bass Pro. Yeah Bass Pro does rule. Big fish tank. Yeah, I got a big fish tank What Along the side of the tank the fish if it's for the fish it'll be like that's pretty cool I know you can do that yeah it's hello I gotta go fishing yeah you got your face too hot out here to fish I'm missing you gotta get out on the water to fish here yeah I'm over net guy like. I go there's a turtle. There's a turtle. I like that. And then Doc says, oh you missed it. I wouldn't mind catching some turts. Yeah, sometimes you do by

accident. I'm talking about the net. I feel so bad hooking a turtle dude. Yeah. How do you get it out of there? Well, I guess only snapping turtles bite. Not every turtle bites, right? Yeah, but sometimes you'll just hook it like in its arm or something I don't my dad was trying to tell me only snapping turtles will bite you other turtles. I will bite you Yeah, they probably yeah snapping turtles will box turtle box guys Like those I was getting dude I was getting turtle talk this week everybody was getting every Box here slider. It's good. She has a red has a red hair slider. And you heard him say that. You're like, I'm gonna do that to Shane.

It was just, it was. I hope Shane brings up turtles. There was just four, it was like. He fell right into my trap. He brought up turtles. A red hair slider? Yeah, that was just four brain cells holding red hair sliders.

Like, we have 20 more hours of this, dude. Very up, use it up use it use it Got he loves telling his beefs are so funny, dude Yeah, there was a guy is this might be slightly of a sensitive topic, but there was a guy who was Trying to use there's like a backfield behind our house that Mike my dad and his brother own And the dude had his kids riding like dirt bikes on there and my dad told him he can only ride a motorized scooter He's like that's it. That's fine. If you're with him, no problem. You can cut across the field Don't care. He said I saw this guy with a fucking 700 CC full wheeler see a little nine-year-old. I would nobody Get this no, you can't do this the guys

So then eventually that guy like was like I don't even think that's your property My dad was like, all right, and he told it his brother just dumped boulders and blocked the guys Oh, yeah, dude he told me the story seven times when we were home Want to talk to my brother? Yeah, okay? Okay? He's busy right now dumping boulders in front of your fence now You can't open it. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, you know you get it get it surveyed It's cuz it's not your property line cuz I know it is we've been here since 1990 Dude, he lives for those kind of battles Very funny. It's a fun battle. He was on it. It was 600 CC dirt bike

He's a toe and four kids behind him. I said, oh he thinks on the hook for that True it's on his property. Yeah, can't have that he lives in total fear being sued If you think you don't think he's the first guy to fucking sue me. He blocked his fence with boulders. There's two giant brothers blocking your fence, and you're like, what the fuck happened? Literal trolls. Moving boulders to... Okay, I was trying to take my kid on a four-wheeler, but all right

Fucking retar brothers next door put boulders in our way We rode the golf go you like he needs to just move his fence It's no it's it's not his fence. It's the guy's fence, but I know that's what I'm saying I'm saying the guy needs to go move his gate move it back. Yeah, that's a lot though Is you gotta pull no, but if they if they want to get petty and move boulders don't do there's more boulders to be I know they'll move But they'll do a border wall. It'd be the great wall of China They would do and they neither of have anything to do so they're just dying like my one uncle to screens dirt all the time He just digs dirt pours it through this little screen and then just moves the rocks and like makes topsoil for himself My dad is he works and he's like, he bought this,

he has two big come ups right now. He got this, on a demo job, he found a 120 inch deck. Mind you, a Skag is 60, those like commercial mowers are 61 to 63 inches, this thing's 120 inches. So he has this deck, dude, it's, he sits, he's this high up on it, and dude, it's fucking enormous. And he just rides it and mows like the lower field, and then just drives around a golf cart

and looks for a fox. There's like two or three foxes. That's a good day. It's pretty sick, dude. So he goes, he feeds the turtles in the pond, throws bread to them, there's like geese there, and then he just goes around and tries to find the fox at dusk.

It's so funny. So he can kill the fox? No, no, another Foxy. He wants to take a look at it He's just trying to see it in action because the Fox is killing the chickens There's the Fox problem, but there's like three of them and he also he's killed a lot of the geese too There's only out of like he's killing the geese of the Fox. Yeah, the Fox is brutal Mr. Bushy tail. That's his name. Mr. Bushy tail Fox is going around kill it dude. It's the funniest thing It's just him looking at his rocks being like this fucking guy things you drive their bikes. Oh shit There's a fox hole is miss. There's mr. Bushy tail. He goes. Oh shit. Mr. Bushy tail sleeping

You gotta come out of dusk and you can see him so I didn't get to see mr. Bushy town kind of pissed about it But I did see three rabbits on the golf cart for dear four dear four dear three rabbits It's pretty good today, And I saw the Stonewall. Yeah, it was pretty tight. Stonewall's awesome. It's nice to go home. I want him to build it up, too. It's so nice to go home.

It's so fun. I had, for real, I had such a blast going home and it's nothing but construction stories. He found a Mercedes, got it for a thousand bucks. He goes, I got it for a fucking thousand dollars, dude. He's like, the guy wanted to get rid of it. I thought his boy, Glenn, fixes everything. He's like, put a roof on this thing, it's 3,500 bucks. I did second for fucking thousand dollars dude he's like the guy wanted to get rid of it I thought his boy Glenn fixes Everything he's like put a roof on this is a 3,500 bucks. I did it for $400

He's drives around. It's no reason He just I got antique tags as you only got to pay for him once for the rest of their life And you don't got to do it ever again. He's putting antique tags on all of his cars if it's 20 years old It's a yeah, so oh yeah, he's like a work truck that has a giant diesel tank. He goes. I'm getting antique tags on that He's like nothing's that's a nice little truck I bought off your uncle when he retired I said let me get that thing Glenn's fit Glenn put a new fucking transmission on it He's just restoring. What do you do when he's telling you these stories? I go thousand bucks. God damn. Yeah, that's nice. Oh, so that's I gotta talk to Glenn

I just gas him up brother. God damn bro thousand bucks. That's great. How much they cost 35 shit That's good. Dude. He's the king of deals He'll buy he bought he'll buy like patio furniture Oh, is he who is this my dad and wait was he the one that had Ashkenazi? Oh the 23 of me. No, they told their brother. Oh, they lied to him. They got they all got their 23 and me and they told their uncle, their his brother,

to fuck with them. They were Jewish. He's like, I ain't fucking Jewish. I don't have that shit in my blood. They said you should get a blood transfusion. I'll go get my blood drawn. I don't get that shit. Yeah, they were fucked with them down is like yeah, we're Jewish he's like dying fucking Jewish. I'll go get my blood drone He's just gonna get new blood

Yeah, it was very fun But yeah, he's he's on top of it right now, dude. He's killing it. All kinds of deals, all kinds of deals. His buddy got this like weird patio furniture. He's still working, your dad's still working. Yeah, he still works. He said he's never gonna retire. Yeah, if he retires, it's on.

No, he can't retire. He's gonna be going crazy at that house. The deals are gonna be out of control. The deals are gonna be nothing. He's gotta keep the skrill coming so he can top the field. The backyard's gonna be filled with cars. Dude, it's fucking, there's... I've seen, the time I've been in, it's a lot of shit.

Yeah, he's got a lot of shit. He's got a lot of machines. And there's a lot of land back there. I know. If he retires, it's deal time. You guys are going to have a scrapyard. For sure. It'll be a scrapyard. Yeah, no, he... What the fuck was his other deal?

I think it's just that he got the bends You got the like 1992 Mercedes. It's the exact car Tupac got shot in It's the exact yeah, yeah some old like weird Russian guy was like, you know Tupac was shot in this car Right and dad was like I didn't know that Yeah, he's chilling pretty hard right now I Would flashlights he's very he's chilling pretty hard right now. Oh, and flashlights. He's in the high lumens. We have 50 flashlights.

Dads love flashlights. We have 50 flashlights. None of them have batteries. They're all out of batteries. We went to see fireworks with my sister. We had to go to her house and cut through this field, almost like through the woods. Then it took you to a grade school where they did fireworks. fireworks with my sister we had to like go to her house and cut through this field like almost like through the woods then it

Took you to like a grade school. They did fireworks and she he had like left her with this like Like battery powered work light. He's like, yeah in the dark when you're coming home to slip this on did we turn it on? It was like ET level. It was crazy Just illuminated the woods. They almost get me. I'm answering. I'm bro eventually we all become flashlight man I was I've been watching, Instagram has one that's like the world's most powerful flashlight. I'm getting ads for it. They're nice.

It is fucking sick. I had to walk their dog, and he's like, here, use this one. He's like, this is your mother's flashlight. Turn it on, just area 51. They hit the dads with like, I was in the special forces. These are special force grade flashlights. These are Special Forces sunglasses

That's 24,000 lumens Yeah, I was fun going home is very fun It's nothing but golf cart rides golf carts are the best deals Oh the patio furniture is the best his boy hooks him up with his patio furniture. That's like teal blue Like it looks like it's from like a retirement home in Miami. It looks crazy. Yeah, he's like dude. It was 200 bucks That shit goes for 12 on it. I just has to get it. Yeah, just sitting there. Nobody uses it And he'll like be like he'll like bother bothers my brother Tom. He's like you're gonna get some of this furniture Tom's not I don't want he's like what the fuck are you doing? Yeah, grab a bench. Are you a loser?

It's like I don't want to. He's like, what the fuck are you doing? Yeah. Grab a bench. Are you a loser? It's like, I don't want to get a bench. $1,800. It's just like baby blue. Like a baby blue bench made out of fucking like marine. Is he selling any of his deals? No, no. He gives them away. He's got 55 bicycles in his basement.

He got into collecting. He's got 55 bicycles. He got into collecting old school. It's 55 bicycles, 55 scooters, 55. He buys like the rally like 1950s bikes. Like those four bikes, the exact bikes the Beatles are on when they did that one cover. He loves musical. He does. He does. And he fixes them up and he gives them away to people.

Tupac died in that car. Beatles wrote that. That's a 1947 gremler. He's like that's a 1947 gremler. Did he fix the bikes up or they just say some resource them That's all they just chill down these bikes. He has no interest He just he just file like size out wash or like where'd you get those? He's like I went into a shop where a guy had him. I bought him all off him And I fixed him up. He's like, I put $800 in this bicycle. Dude, he loves it. He used to, when he was a little kid,

his first thing he ever did, he had a bicycle repair thing. He used to repair people's bicycles for money. But yeah, I got the full download, dude. Bikes are at 55. Who's gonna inherit the bikes? That's his favorite thing to do too. He gets to tell everybody what they get of his when he dies yes, you can have all my guns He told somebody recently they can have his bikes

Who's getting the bikes? He had maybe my he told one of I think maybe Meyer told somebody goes you can have all my bikes when I die My mom goes Kevin damn She's your little kid and something's like I'm gonna give you 55 I can't wait for grandpa to fucking die Stop it. If you're a little kid and someone's like, I'm gonna give you 55 bikes, you're gonna be like, I can't wait for grandpa to fucking die. 55 bikes from. I'd be telling everybody until like fifth grade.

I'd be telling, every day I'd be like, my grandpa, I'm gonna inherit 55 bicycles. Yeah, you better be nice to me because I have. If you're nice to, you're talking to somebody who's about to own 55 bicycles. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Not just that, crushing sweets. He just crushes sweets, thinks about deals, talks about punks. Anyone who's being a fucking punk, he'll tell you about him 45 times. He's a fucking creep. Who's being a punk? He's a fucking asshole. That guy is being a punk. A fucking creep in a punk. He's a fucking creep.

He's a a punk fucking creep in a park. He's a fucking creep That's you gospel creeps and punks snot nose punks and creeps if you're old you're if you're old you're a creep if you're Young you're a punk He's a fucking punk But yeah, huh What am I getting yeah, what's he giving you I don't know we'll see just years of nurturance and guidance You're gonna need a golf cart. I'm getting a golf car golf car for your neighbor I'm gonna start riding a golf cart here. Yeah podcast. That's a lot. No, dude I could do it on a bird scooter you do it on a golf cart

You're gonna ride from your house to my house on a golf cart Yeah, you can get you can get a golf cart and put the solar panels on top and it just charges the battery. No, I'm not worried about how you can charge it. Yeah, it might be a little, I can definitely do a... There's some treacherous parts there. Yeah, I'd be going up Airport Boulevard, yeah. That might be a little tricky, I can figure it out.

I can figure out a good little ride. The bird scooter would be easy, that'd be a piece of cake. But don't want to leave. I don't leave the bird scutes in front of your house. Yeah jackass Punk that's it's not Got home there's a scooter in our front yard. I was like dude. They're never gonna collect this He's like they are it sat there for three days. Then I drove I was coming home I saw it at the corner of our block. was like I know that was usually yeah, I do that and it sat there for fucking three weeks Do they recharge how do they recharge in the Sun?

Yeah, cuz I'll ride one to red and then I had a solar thing I'll leave in front of my house, and it's green again. No I think a guy like comes and changes the battery I know chance. I don't think so man. There's just definitely a guy who comes and goes You think there's like a lime scooter fairy? He comes at night. I think they got some solar action going on. I think they have solar action. Because I'm pretty, I'm pretty attuned to the people

coming around in front of my house and stuff, and I haven't seen a single person come out and like change one of those batteries. I think they'll eventually come pick it up and take it out of there. There's no way they change a battery and keep it where it is. I don't think they do either, dude. There's no, I think they'll eventually come pick it up and take it out of there. There's no way they'd change a battery and keep it where it is. I don't think they do either, dude.

I think it's solar power. Because I'll ride that thing down to the bone and the next afternoon it's just ready to roll. On a bad week I'll have three of them in front of my house just from like I'll take it, the battery will die, I'll go down and get another one, drop it off. And then you start leaving them down the street from you, you're like, I'll leave it here

That ride back from the doing a show at a comedy club And it's when I'm finally on my street and it goes fast as I can skid out in front of my house It's the best. What's that? I'm sure they towards the batteries in the city like the mayor says they have juicers that come in well Google says they have juicers That's what they're called and they change the batteries out on the scooters Though do they have asked if they have solar power because I'm pretty sure those scooters have a solar cell now That's what I asked Really?

Solar powered so someone's sneaking out and juicing my scooter up for me. That's fucked up. Get it all juicy for me Yeah, you gotta juice it. I'll be honest when I come out the next day and I see the four green squares I'm like, okay. Here we go. Yeah, I thought the Sun was doing it. That's my bad. I'm like a fucking cave, man Son the Sun gives us power. It's that in the Sun The golf carts coming I need to get a golf. You need a golf cart golf carts are the best Yeah, soup it up a little Golf carts are number one. Maybe even a little Gator That's too powerful true Gator. You could get here. Yeah, little Gator. That's too powerful.

True. Gator you could get here. Yeah, true. Gator you'd be flying, dude. Maybe I do need a Gator. Be nice. You definitely don't need a fucking Gator in your neighborhood. I need a fucking Gator, dude.

No you don't. It'd be a write-off. You need a nice. I need it to get to work. You need a golf cart, just a golf cart. I need to get like a cupata. Like a mini, I might get like a little skid steer. I don't know what those are They're like there's little like bulldozer things, but they're small

I'm trying to think I just got to get here do you I need to get something to get over here Cerv is not getting it done. Cerv is not dude. I think it's gonna last forever Cerv is definitely last forever That thing's gonna be an antique. I true it's gonna last forever. CRVs definitely last forever. That thing's gonna be an antique. Oh, true, I can put the antique back. You're gonna get an antique, yeah. Hey man, 20 years and you only pay once and then you're done.

Well, hot damn, bro. Hot diggity dog. Never forget. Damn, when will I see you again? I'll be out, I'm gonna come out in Philly. Just let me know when you have a... I'll be back here too. Let me know when you have downtime, I'll just fly on out. I'll be back here too. Maybe I do need a gator if I'm gonna come out in Philly. Just let me know when you have I'll be back here, too I mean, I know you have downtime. I'll just fly out out. I'll be back here, too

Maybe I do need a gator if I'm gonna get to Philadelphia once the gator at the gator the whole way Boogie down on the gator seven days Right off all my meals on the first night you're like damn it. I thought the Sun was gonna charge this fucking thing I'm stuck in Oklahoma. I need a juicer I'm stuck in Oklahoma. I need a juicer Said a fucking juicer. Yeah, I'm gonna just it'll be actually kind of nice pop up the Philadelphia way. Oh my god I'm staying right. I should be staying right next to helium too. That's perfect. I already have one secret show planned Sunday me and Danny Saudis

That'll be there's gonna be some good shows Do that are you doing them every week? I'm gonna try to do, yeah. Weekly shows at Helium Comedy Club. That'd be really sick. Other than that, I don't know. Just hitting the writers room. They've been, I waited a week. They're in there already.

Really? Yeah. How's the pro- Are you getting daily reports? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The show, I'm excited to get started on season two. Dude, that's gonna be awesome. Yeah. Now you have like a proper We're not doing it in like two weeks. Yeah, not just making John and Steve do everything by themselves. You're not doing the most stressful. I don't know how they I don't know how they do it.

I have no idea how John does that. I'd be paralyzed within decision. Be like we have the we have to film tomorrow. He's like alright I'll come up with the show tonight. Yeah that's insane. And I'll edit it. He's crazy. That's gonna be sick. I'm like I'm very excited for that. Yeah. When's the when's the when's the release when's the target released? I don't know. It'll probably be if I had to guess total guess probably the spring No, that's fucking early. Yeah, that's very fast. Yeah. Well goddamn. We'll film in the fall probably It's gonna affect my college football fuck. Yeah, true Be off be nice to have a little yeah TV action or a little phone action. My uncle was watching sports or somebody's wedding recently.

He had the phone on the pew. You must. Here you go, shit, regular season baseball. It's a double header today against the Cubs. I gotta watch this. This is the only time I can wear this jersey. It's on this podcast. Why?

This is what they gave me when I did the first pitch. So it has my name on the back. He's fucking sick. It's my name on the back. Yeah, can't wear that in public Why not can't wear a customized Jersey with your own name on it? Yes, you can It was kids a gift by the Philadelphia Phillies. I know they know I didn't have to tell them I say yeah Actually, the Philadelphia Phillies gave me this Jersey. I didn't buy it online. This is authentic and it says Shane Gillis on the back So sorry. Yeah, you're checking out somewhere. You like this actually. I wore it to the grocery store the other day and I realized I looked like a dumbass. Kid came up was like oh I was just listening to you what's up. I didn't know it was you until I saw you were

wearing your jersey. Shit it's a cool jersey I like the jersey. I saw a lot of bros in the airport dude that was. In the airport? Yeah yeah meeting a lot of bros in the airport. The bros will get you, yeah meeting a lot of bros in the airport bros will get you In the air. It's pretty fun. Yeah, bros are hanging out big-time dude family times. They hit you with not gay. Can I get a picture? They'll be like I don't want to be that guy. Yeah. Yeah, I hear that a lot. Yeah, bro. I'm not gay Can I get a picture? Yeah, just yeah always dude. I had dude. You're not gay. It's a lot. You're not at all If anything, I'm gay if anything, I'm the gay one. Yeah, I yeah always do I had to you knock it to left you're not at all if anything. I'm gay if anything I'm the gay one. I am yeah I do that. I'm sorry do this thing Chris Brown does we're the only time I take a picture

I have my hand fucking cup of the body After the show that's something grind on old. I'm just going to grab like a mechanic's ass and fucking. His show is very sexual, you know that? He's making a big comeback right now. Yeah, he's grinding on people's girlfriends and wives. Yeah, someone hit Brittany up, I'm not going to say who, but someone related to her was like,

we should go to the Chris Brown show. Forbidden. Yeah, I was like, Brittany's like, I'm not even a big fan of that. And I was like, don't go to get that yeah, you don't need to go Remember what he did yeah, it's real What if that's the final act his pummels a woman somebody's wife Enact the infamous car scene all right hell yeah, God bless