Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 510 - G.O.U.T.E.D. (feat. Lil Stinkers)

Episode Date: August 26, 2024

Support Jake, Jon, and Mike @ https://www.patreon.com/lilstinkers And BUY Mikes New Book 'Delco Dirtball' @ https://www.onpercs.com/store Go See Lil Stinkers Live in San Fran @ https://www.punchlinecomedyclub.com/EventDetail?tmeventid=G5vYZb2jC-910&offerid=0 Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Get Merch @ mssecretpodcast.com/merch Hey everybody. Happy Monday haha. We got a little special bonus treat for you guys. A little bonus treat cast with Cusky and our pals from Lil Stinkers Jake Mattera, Michael Rainey, and Jonathan DelCollo. Go see them in San Fran (Oct) at the Punchline!!!! Support the paytch. And buy Mike's new book or maybe his older book too at onpercs.com. God Bless you all. Please enjoy.  ps you might be hearing from us again later this week haha shhhhhh

Hey, we're here welcome to the motherfucking podcast John DelCarlo Michael Rainey and James with their voice aka the little stinkers Thank you for having us thanks for coming and doing this man We're sorry to get all Walter Walter Cronkite on you with my sig dude, but it's a natural progression for you brother Yeah, it's good luck. I'm dude. I'm so happy. I found these things man. They're a little like I was telling you guys are Low th. I've been trying. It's like George Washington weed It's not just CBD. There's it's like a It'd be like seven or five they might be five. It's like five and then it's like eight percent THC. They're like little Short is my George Washington weed man. You smoke it you just think about the Constitution nothing crazy. You're like, yeah, dude You get just high enough to be like is slavery

To be like is slavery Like dude, what are you smoking bro you high it's about time the tables have turned Yeah, these are the anti-newports Yeah, I'm a big proponent some of the weed now is like 45% you're like yeah Crack yeah exactly it's like I'm good on that yeah now. I'm gonna be able to make eye contact with my family until Thanksgiving So you guys are in Austin for the week yeah, we're living it up gouts already flaring back up to you Oh, yeah You guys all gouted he hasn't been I am not of all of us. It is funny It's like the online go to things like gouted

You're not gouted dude. No God's cruelest trick is that we got it and he didn't. Unbelievable. I kind of resent you for this. If there was a gout pool amongst the three of us, I mean... I'm an example. Yeah, I'm Seabiscuit of gout. So isn't gout like a lactic acid built up in your toes? It's uric acid.

Uric acid, that's what it was. It crystallizes and typically goes to the lowest extremity. He had ankle. I had in my penis first cuz that you got your penis Yes, you get any games at all No, did it hurt all the time or just really got hard now? It was nuts man. Well. No I didn't have it I think but I Initially like I thought I'll believe anything right Initially like I had it. Oh, you're saying the lowest party body Jesus Christ, bro. Maybe gotta put the fucking George Washington way down Dude, I'm a bad boy. We had fucking barbecue two days in a row man. Oh

Yeah, so when the gout starts popping up I mean it just like what do you get a little feeling you know do you happen? I mean John jokes about like it's when God breaks your foot in the middle of the night But it did feel like that because the day before I thought it was I was running suicides on the basketball court with my son And it was hot as shit. So I was like it has to be related to this Whereas it was related to the hoagies that I've eaten every day for the past 90 days So how many days you have to like de-gout yourself? Be a good and gout it up. I was I was gout heavy the end of June up until about two

weeks ago. It lasted a while. Crazy length of time. Yeah. I had it in Disney too, which was, dude, that was my Jordan flu game going to Disney with full on gout. It's like an STD. You probably weren't alone. Right?

Yeah. I gave it to my wife. It's like the Jeep wave of Disney world. Yeah, I gave it to my wife. It's like the Jeep wave of Disney World. You're like, oh. Did you just wiggle your tootsies? Waving from the rascal scooters, just... Do you think it's an STD kind of thing? Yeah, once you get it, you can't undo it, right?

I mean, there's not a cure. Yeah. If it happens to you, it's likely to happen again. I guess it's like shingles to chicken pox, like it's in your body. You gotta fly straight forever. What's in your body. Okay. Yeah, I gotta fly straight Forever what's in your body though? Just the uric acid the acid crystal crystals forever Well, some people it goes away within a couple days

But other people who just continuously eat like they're fucking kids with dead parents. It will persist man Tiny gout trolls in your body Yeah, how do you how do you turn what if you just didn't eat for two days when I go away or you got a you got to flush it out? I eat cherries by the pound Cherries is yeah treatment cherry juice It's a gout awareness pod. Yeah Thank you to all the boys in the gout subreddit for fucking saving the day because as soon as I got it like I went I had to go to urgent care cuz I don't fucking insurance. Yeah, and I went there the ladies like I think in the gout subreddit for fucking saving the day. Cause as soon as I got it, like I went, I had to go to urgent care cause I don't have fucking insurance.

Yeah. And I went there, the lady's like, uh, I think you got gout. She's like, yeah, just take a, it was an anti-inflammatory to take this and you'll be fine. And drink water. And I was like, all right, cool. And I just wasn't getting better and I was getting closer and closer to Disney. So I was like, Oh, come on, please help me out. Please. I need something here. And uh, yeah, I went on the gout subreddit and they were more helpful than anybody else because people there were recommending what kinds of other treatments like there's a Gout medication you could take which I didn't end up taking but I might resort to that if I get another flare-up. You know, just knock it right out

You guys should try a muzzle so that you stop eating so much Most people get it from drinking a lot. Says the fattest person. And he doesn't drink. That must mean his fucking shitty food intake is worse than mine. What's a day? Run me through a day. Now I will say this because I remember you said a while back, if every meal that you taste good, every meal that you eat tastes good, you're gonna die.

The opposite of that, dude. Everything I eat, dude I eat every meal as a Roman orgy. Today I treated myself, well I treat myself every meal is a Roman orgy like today. I treated myself I treat myself every meal, but treated myself to a bagel with extra sharp cheese with Fried eggs and a little bit of leftover sausage from from Terry blacks. It's pretty good So that's my starter and I'm sure we're gonna get Mexican at some point today. Yeah, and then at nighttime I got these Mickey Mouse Goldfish crackers that I've really been snacking on.

So what's setting off the G though? Is it the meat? I never got a clear answer. In my case, I live down the street from a Primo's Hoagies, and that's one of my favorite Hoagies, and I'll eat one of those four to five times a week. That's a lot of processed meat. Jesus Christ, Primo's four times a week? I know, man. Yeah, I mean, you know, it's like everywhere in Delco Everything is on the thickest bread. Yeah, you can't get away from it. Everything is so bad

Yeah, this is like the worst food on the planet. I think dude It's outside of Phil the suburbs outside of Philadelphia is has probably the most unhealthy food Yeah, it's a California explain to people like Friday pizza night. They're like, what are you talking about? Yeah, people like would you eat pizza every Friday're like what are you talking about? They don't understand That's insane People are like you eat pizza every Friday night? That's fucking crazy It's pizza night dude I have to It's custom When I lived in California I lost 50 pounds

and I wasn't even trying to lose weight It was just, there was no bread So it was just like, you know, fucking I'd have like peanut butter and jellies from time to time but like besides that, like no sandwiches like anything we get on the east coast We're so spoiled You know fucking I'd have like peanut butter and jellies from time to time but like besides that like no sandwiches Like anything we get on the East Coast. We're so spoiled. That's where I gained weight. Did you really I was following food trucks until they parked The food trucks have their own like mr. Softie theme for each one now, I'm just listening to the mr. Softie theme in my car

You gained weight in California, that's interesting. Yeah, I was skinny. Weren't you depressed? Yeah, I got a vitamin D deficiency in the sunniest state in the fucking country. How is that possible? I never went outside, I stopped going outside unless I saw a food truck.

What did you do with that? On my app. Smoked weed and then drove past an open mic but was too high to get out of the car and actually sign up. No, I've always wondered this about you because you went to California, you went to Hollywood and was there ever any time where you considered making me living as an eye pervert?

Because you have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen in podcasting, man. No one ever approached me about it. That's not true. We have a Halloween decoration, and I swear to God, it's supposed to be a peeping Tom, like someone looking into your eyes, and I'll show you when I go to my house.

It bears resemblance. Yeah? Yeah. That's such a creepy Christmas ornament. No, no, it's Halloween. Okay. It's for Halloween. Can I say Christmas?

Yeah, probably not. I might've said Christmas. Either way, George Washington's got me fucked up I swear to God it looks I'll show it when we go home. You'll see it's like yeah He's crossing the door. I didn't think about it till now. I was like holy shit. It's a wait a second You look like the guy who looks into my window. I'm just a decoration like every time I walk by I'm like oh, I'm gonna do it when I get your house. I'm gonna look in the window It's like looking into your own house. Yeah, it's a thing looking in your own house, and you walk by like oh

Fucks that stupid fucking Yeah, but you want it to look yes, you're right maybe Just it should be for other people, shouldn't it? Your blood pressure's gonna plummet now if you turn this fucking thing around. So dude, you guys are here, are you studying the Rainy Street Ripper or what's going on? We're gonna do some research on them. You're sitting next to them, brother.

Dude, it's so cool that we do a True Crime podcast, and it's not fat girl true crime, it's fun true crime. It is kind of exhilarating that we go to a place where they have a ripper named after me. I know What an honor. Yeah, it's like it's like Anthony Bourdain getting a dish named after him. Well, yeah Well somebody had a theory we talked to yesterday said it's just people falling into the river. Is that right? Yeah, just like drunk college kids. Yeah, I know nothing about man young style falling into the school Yeah, but apparently there's never been two years seems like a lot of fucking drunk frat guys to follow things up like 20 now though Damn, whoa. Yeah, my only theory is maybe it was the cat. Maybe these are hitting ketamine is being like I gotta find water The whole lake I'm gonna go paddleboard

What out of this k-hole? Yeah, right. It's not the cat. There goes that theory. And it's a lot of, they say it's a lot of gay guys. Even though there's been a few women. Women who are gay men. Women can be pretty gay. Yeah, women can be pretty gay sometimes. Women can be gay men. They can be anything these days. That might be like the ideal afterlife is haunting a lake with a bunch of other gay dudes. True. Like, what is he wearing? Yeah, you're just... That might be like the ideal afterlife is honing a lake with a bunch of other gay dudes trail

What is he wearing? Yeah? Nobody's coming out of the river with like a bullet in their head right like it's all They choked any of them. I don't know the details felt around the neck very strange. Yeah, yeah I don't know the deeds, but I don't know that's the apparently though the number of people Who have been found in this river if I'm correct have Spiked it's not it's usually not as much you might write about that Josh Yeah, I don't think that's a lot. I thought it was like 20 people What it's not a fucking murder, these are dumbasses.

People are just running away with the theory. Yeah, I thought this was 20 in one year. Yeah, it's just gay dudes with pay balance. True, this is true. I mean, it's fucking hot as the goddamn sun here. Maybe they're just trying to cool off and then they realize once they're in too deep that they don't know how to swim.

That's classic. This was like a classic way of suicide in the 30s. You just jump in the river. If you wanted to kill yourself in the 1930s, you would just be like, ah. So four people learn how to swim? Yeah, you just toss yourself in the river. Hitler had a crush on a girl when he was a teenage boy,

and that's how he wanted to commit suicide together, is by jumping off a bridge into the river together. He was making like suicide romance packs? Dude, he would chill with his boy. They would walk around, then he would read poetry to his boy And then eventually a lady caught his eye and he's like I'm in love and I can never talk to her and then eventually He's like he just bringing her up constantly to his buddy who wrote a book about him And he's like yo, I want to commit suicide with her by jumping off of a bridge into the water

Damn, he really was an artist. He really was Damn, he really was an artist. He really was It is crazy for that guy he would have been like a regular nerd I feel like if Hitler was alive today He was put in like a normal nerd It's crazy for that to just Jonathan, honey. Oh man. Come on, man. Yeah, Lamar Manga, Dugali Yeah, dude. I mean that now this is this is nothing I mean people bring this up to me. I'm like dude enough about that. There's no fucking murder This is five twenty people in two years. I suppose twenty. Yeah, twenty two twenty three twenty four

Although dude, I don't know man. That's it's a great amount of people in two years It's crazy that this is still open but like the one guy jumped off the balcony at the Orlando airport that we talked about Close the balconies at the entire airport my favorite airport and my favorite hotel the Hyatt in the fucking Orlando airport They closed it off because a couple years ago TSA agent finished his shift and checked into the hotel then jumped off the balcony onto the people waiting to to go through security TSA yeah, yeah bit of an artist himself as well

TSA yeah, yeah bit of an artist himself as well There's a sort of like romance to that like just wanting to just destroy a line as a TSA agent being like fuck these people I'm gonna just land on five of them Yeah, I agree with you But I would be more on board with him if he did it at the start of a shift do you like? Why don't you do it when you just finished? I don't know do you think on the way down something caught his eye? And he's like man laptop on the way down, something caught his eye, and he's like, man, laptop out!

Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Yeah, shoes out of the bin! He was yelling, and he, God, this is already stupid. I forgot the clock out! Splat.

Yeah, I mean, I think it's considered he did it at the end, because if he did it at the beginning of the shift, then they would be down, there'd be even longer line to get through TSA Yeah, but I'm a real loser. Yeah done man. Go home. They would have been like we're having it We need another guy to come here and frown next to a machine Backhand kids balls Rudy swan diving out the fucking hotel that's got to be tantalizing that when you're on the ledge debating whether or not to jump into the airport

Vestibule and there's like a kid in a minion costume. It's like I could squish this mini Moving target yeah, you'd have to like angle it to be like if I fall 9.8 meters per second squared I know you fuck with velocity like that. No yeah, dude. That was the only thing I remember from physics 9.8 meters per second squared having the speed of gravity you always been a velocity guy It's a speed of gravity actually I think 9.8 meters per second squared is yes the amount things accelerate That's what you peek at if you're dropping out of a plane terminal. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. That's velocity right? I'm a velocity head. I guess High school physics damn dude speed of gravity certified velociraptor

Yeah, you don't remember that from physics 9.8. I remember from physics class the teacher was like don't drive fast in the rain You'll slip on the leaves. That's all it was that's all Your mom teach physics yeah, it sounds like it this guy mr. Ah, son fucking giant hair, man It's pretty awesome our physics teacher in high school was like He would sit down on the desk not look up during a test and literally everybody would pass around the smartest person's tests We would all have the same answers and get the same grade. That's awesome ruled. Who was your driver's ed teacher? Forget his name Shaw. Okay, I was hoping you had the lady I had we're both in school in Delaware So I had this lady who was like doctor. She was a doctor of education

She taught driver's ed and she was a doctor. You know, thanks Chris fucking what? Yeah doctor of having a steering wheel on both sides Doctor of education I would never call you on us. I've heard her last name. She wants to call us doctor. Baa baa Yeah, what is a bitch? What do you have a ph ro ad? The same person who taught me drivers head also taught my mother really I can't be spelling this early in the morning I laughed before I understood it. I was gonna give on faith. Oh, yeah, I'm more visual learner honestly I Had so you were Delaware cuz Delaware had that like long drawn-out permit process. I've been on a graduated Thing whatever I was on PA so I was already on the road so this lady was in my face like

I was like take it easy. I don't even need you bitch. We were like driving like a married couple. I beg alright I'm good She'd be like I am not retarded Jesus can I drive? Although a bit of a hawk when I'm passenger I'm always kind of looking like To You hawk him It dude it's brutal Even the other night. We just got the fucking Austin and it's so nice out

I'm just trying to enjoy I'm enjoying enjoying traffic cuz yeah, Texas is nobody enjoys traffic He was like I'm vibing we were in the right lane Where we had four more stoplights to go through and I'm like, you know zoom past all this He's like I'm vibing and he had the biggest shitty eating great on his fucking face And we're going straight. It was funny dude. But he was vibing though. He's the worst driver I've ever seen in my life.

Suck my dick while you're at it. Is it just like, you want more aggression out of him? Or do you want more... Less aggression. So then he vibed in traffic. Big time brake slammer. traffic big-time brake slammer it was bound to come out at some point our 5000 patron goal is gonna be for him to retake drivers ed until now I thought we reached a break when we were in Chicago We went to what's the big park there that everybody goes to?

Millennium be yeah park we went there and I Drove the whole weekend by the way, but I parked in the underground parking garage Is the thanks you get to dude Matt I parked next to a car there were a ton of open spaces I'll give him that but I parked next to a car the only car That's an understatement Mike It was an empty parking lot. It was an empty garage Driver gets to pick the parking spot. I thought it was driver picks parking my wife does that to me. I'll pull apart I'm sure there's a spot here, and I'm like I'm definitely not parking there now that you brought that up

Mile now he parked so close close to the only other car in the parking lot that it couldn't even open my door all the way. It was so funny. Josh, when you do the show notes, can you put down both their first names as Judas? I think it's a great fit. I thought it was a very funny thing. It could have been like there's another car.

So your film is like you want to form the fucking block. I don't even want to try to get into his mind Did you protest parking so close to the only other car in the parking garage? Yes. Oh, yeah Well, it was your what was your logic there? Did you say shut up? Like I was that was a spot Do you know how when you pull into a a parking lot there are sports spots that call to you? Yeah, it's like all right, I like this, I like the car next to me,

we're gonna be able to get out, and then we're gonna be able to go to the park together. I didn't think it was an issue. And the strength in numbers, if there's a thief amongst a lot, that driver could come back and be like, hey, get out of there, there's my fellow car owner. And I was also thinking strength in numbers

in regards to a Disney Pixar Cars aspect, where if there was any car beef, ours could team up with the car next to them Yeah, exactly the mind space. I did not want to get So why do you always drive why why are you the wheel man because they like the party ah I'm a good friend. He's got a couple of drunks yelling at you the whole time I never really I'm fine with driving before I drink

John's about it John John's vocal about it. John will be vocal about it, I'll be quiet, and then I'll get along with John, like I know, right, that was for the... Oh, fucker, man. What? I appreciate you so much, dude, it's great. Yeah, I bet you do, sounds like it.

Your own kin, man. Damn, that's fucked. Thank you, John. You're nice and relaxed. Yeah, I'm vibing, man. Pulling into traffic and vibing is a sweet move. It was so nice. It's it was the only time we faced traffic when we were here.

But still, it wasn't bad. It's just we're on the bridge, the sun setting. Yeah, it was. We were talking about the skyline being how beautiful it is here in Austin. The bats were under us. Yeah. Yep. Yeah, it was a good place to be in traffic, but still no one was. Good place to vibe. Yeah, true. true traffic is everyone's number one enemy. Yeah, my my wife does that she'll do that to me though She's like um you can pass this car. I'm like I know I totally been zoning out for 20 minutes

I'm like I know I can all right don't worry about what I'm doing you just sit there Like I'll seriously wait three minutes and be like I'm gonna move over here My this is my deficiency when I'm like total to do like that, I just fucking freak. Yep. Going the opposite way. And that's what the case was. When I said we could not be in traffic, that just made you smile and be like, we're gonna be in traffic even more now.

I hope this traffic never fucking ends. I hope we fucking die in this car, man. I'm the boss. I am sorry, die in this car man. I Am sorry, but I will not stop. Oh, I'm a bad backseat driver. Are you really you weren't in the backseat? Well same term Yeah, it's something in me that I would like to fix you're a bad friend Those dudes in the lake could just be just getting uh... Maybe their babes are chirping while they're driving. And they're like, oh yeah. And then Michael Douglas falls right down and they fall right in the river.

All cannibal-ing in. Fuck you, bitch! Trying to land on like a rock. You don't know how to swim. I know! Yeah. Yeah, you're drowning in the lake and your wife's like, Babe, can I get the keys?

Babe, babe, babe. Oh fuck, I forgot to give them to her. Shit. That sucks when you fuck something up I do not like when I do that if I like fucks like if I like leave the garage door open I do it all the time not try to be like dude I like I kind of like like just having like my garage door open. It's kind of chill I should like that yeah, it's like dude someone could take in take out your stuff And I'm like yeah, but it's like kind of chill to have that thing open like that it cools the garage down

Yeah I get filled with dread as soon as I get something pointed out that, but it's like kind of chill to have that thing open like that it cools it rocks I get filled with dread as soon as I get something pointed out that I did that's like wrong. I'm like oh fuck Spazz I don't know what it is. I hate it. I get that way open I'm like the fucking garage door malfunctions as you hit it it comes back Did nothing it does me more aggravated than than somebody being confidently wrong my wife is the most confidently wrong person I've ever met and I feel like you do that when you backseat drive, when you passenger seat drive. I'm confidently wrong? Right, because, I mean, all we have to do,

we're here for seven days, there's no rush to get anywhere, and I just, on top of Chicago too, it's just like, every parking space is an open canvas. Why not this one? An open canvas. I think most people agree that being still in a car when the car is not moving is the worst. You're on vacation man. Yeah. And you just had a bunch of beers. Don't tell the IRS that I'm

writing everything off. You're on a working vacation. You're scouting locations. Yeah. That is true. Yeah, staying still in traffic is the worst. Like I'll drive ten miles out of that's an internal issue You guys have an internal. I mean I hate traffic too, but yeah, what's the fuss? I think he's purpose pretty he's trying to raise my blood pressure It's such a funny thing though to be like you're sitting there See someone else move and you just blood pressures like I need to be moving If I'm sitting there, you can't stop but if I'm driving and I'm not paying attention if someone calls it out I'm like bro. You need to chill taking the fucking vibes in the scene

Yeah, it's much different if I had my wife and kids with me and at that point You know the end of a vacation day with your family, you're full on Thomas Crooks mode. But with John and Jake, my buddies, I'm just like, look, I don't care what happens. We're having fun. That is the only time I have said anything this trip and that was day one. I'm sorry. And you've been good. You've been way better. I swear to God, you were doing way better than I expected All right. Well, you're talking about jamming brakes and stuff. Yeah. Yeah, he's where's the break? I'm vibing and I'm jamming You space out when you drive yeah a little bit. Yeah, so do I

His license plate is margaritaville My brains a margaritaville brother. Yeah, I'm not I space so hard while I drive really. This is your exit I'm like, yeah, I know my four lanes over like I Don't think I can't wait on anything more than I concentrate on driving. Yeah, I wish I'm tracking I'm seeing the moves. I'm playing chess the entire time. I know where that car is gonna go You're playing connects. Yeah, you are not a good of a driver I'm very aggressive though to the only place. I mean Crazy on the road. Yeah, if you're four lanes over you're doing the germane duper to get off fucking exit. Yep

Yeah, I think that in my head every time I switch four lanes Yeah, I just don't want to admit that I'm not picks my wife's like you don't pay attention I'm like, yeah, I do you're just fucking you overpay attention and then I'll I don't want to admit that I'm not because my wife's like you don't pay attention. I'm like yeah, I do you're just fucking you overpay attention and then I'll Fucking being weird about it classic wife argument Dude I'm the worst with my wife in the car when she's driving We'll be to have the turn signal on to turn down our street I'll bet you want to make a left like it's so bad Yeah, how controlling I am but wife driving is much different dude. We are many times where you have to save them from themselves Dude and you catch sometimes you catch him red-handed when I'll be like there's just a car five feet. Yeah

My god, I didn't even see what the hell is it doing it's like it was stopped you were fucking Have you ever been in the car when like the the woman will do really your wife will do the thing where they don't let People merge in I got an intersection. I Was stuck at a long stop stop light. I know I know there's a one cross street, and they're like they're clearly they're waiting They're being polite, and they're starting to inch out a little bit. They're not aggressive about it Yeah, but then you just see them just kind of like roll forward And you're stuck there at the passenger seat like I'm sorry Yeah, I've definitely probably been involved one of those yeah

Every lady's car should come equipped with like a driving wheel stick that you can control from the passengers Maybe a second stick to control the gas I Told her I want to get a break on the passenger side dude. Just because I don't know what it is. She accelerates. She'll see brake lights and she's like I'm not accelerating. I'm just not breaking. I'm like I can feel my body moving faster than it was. You're a velocity guy. Exactly. I'm like we're speeding up. No, we're not and it's like dude God yeah, that's a tough one. The lady's driving man is Tough one. Did I think who well it is fine. Who was the Will Smith doctor who studied CTE? I forget will say you should also study lady brains when they're dead and done driving

You got a good driver on your hands, yeah, Well, you've been probably using her into shape the whole time. What the fuck are you doing? Motherfucker. I'm driving. And jamming. I'm driving and jamming. No, I will still give, you know, pointers to my lady every once in a while. But tips and tricks.

Yeah. That's maybe 1% of the time these days. I've had drastically lowered Yeah, because I've I've experienced the worst Once you experience the worst, you know, it ain't so bad. Yeah I've cooled out I used to be an aggressive driver now. I'm very chill. Everyone on the road is on my team We're all trying to get the same place. Yeah, I'm racing. What do you can rage? I've raged not too long ago What are you doing over 80 or around 80? It is what it is, bro

I drive the Jersey for a long time and Jersey's Jersey heads are so spazzed out about PA plates Not going fast enough in the left lane that I've been like Fuck off guys So I actually I had like a beef with the whole state of New Jersey there for a while while I live there And it was just kind of like yeah, I don't care fucking pass me if you want to pass me. I don't go that slow I'm not gonna go like 50 right, but if someone high beams me. I'm like well now We're all going very slow for a very long time. Yeah, that happened to me. I'll give gentle Yeah, double flip on the high beams every once in a while.

If it's, I get it. But if there's space for me to just go around I do that. I'm out, yeah. Somebody did that the other day, and I was close to the car in front of me and that car was close to the car in front of them and a guy's non-stop over and over on my ass. Yeah. And now I'm like, this is war. Yeah, now I'm out. I tried to box a man with a fucking truck. I tried to murder a man with a fucking truck, I tried to murder him and his family, you know? Follow him to his house. Yeah, I've chill- my road rage was for real, like really bad.

Like I used to get like, just like, the worst I've ever had was one time, a guy did something, he just wasn't paying attention, we're on like 95, so we're all moving pretty fast, so everything's kinda heightened. And he like came into my lane, and I was wronged and I was like How dare you so I like sped up just you know get get what's mine? So I wanted to eye contact and maybe a little apology so I pulled a little handgun in your mouth

I pulled up on him to get like visual confirmation like bro. What the fuck was that and he gave me like whatever I was like fair enough, and I started slowly because he was like it was my lane It was a two-lane kind of thing or maybe I was in the middle He was in like the right lane So I started like and there was just not a lot of like shoulder next to him So I started just matching his speed and slowly getting his lane. It wasn't till he was like Psycho it was real psychotic your man Matt. Yeah This was years and years and years ago, and I was like I remember pulling away being like I think I had a kid in the car

I was pretty bad Now how forgiving would you be yeah? Yeah, how forgiving are you if somebody does that shit? But when you pull up to make eye contact they're like Totally yeah, and when I wrong people in the road, and they pull up I go dude. That was totally my bad I fucked up. I go. was totally my bad. I fucked up I go I was my bad. I fucked up. I hang my asshole out the way Token of appreciation I don't flash bird anymore. I don't give anybody the finger if I'm angry at somebody Sorry, I'm having a stroke.

Where's my booster seat? My penis is too small to move. Sit on a hemorrhoid pillow and just get my dick out the window. Dude, that one is one of the worst parts about having a little dick is you can't fucking wiggle it at him in traffic. Mm-hmm.

Depends on the weather. If you hit him with a penis, that'd be like, that's aggressive. Oh, yeah. No, what the fuck? You got your wife holding the wheel. Showing your penis out of rage is actually way more... If I was like, Jesus Christ. Having a little grape pop out of the sun roof.

I will now, if somebody is driving like a dickhead and they're passing me and we've been engaged in a little bit of back and forth anger, I. Yeah, I will either I'll give him like a thumbs up or thumbs down Either one is thumbs down would devastate me Yeah, way more hurtful than a finger and a thumbs up the sarcastic. Yeah, nice one, brother So good on the road No, dude, if you had a road rage incident where it was clear it was popping off, you both pulled over. When you got out of the car, would you let your ponytail out?

Yeah, I would take all my jewelry off. No, I would spear the person immediately. It tied up, started... Well dude, my dad's convinced that dudes with ponytails are like badasses. Because in the 70s he's like, oh, oh fuck. I got a ponytail stabby Yeah, I don't think I have that kind of pony. Yeah, no one has it anymore They tell karate appropriate. They used to be karate based. Yeah, that makes sense No, I think karate was the start of those guys and it's like at that time

They did have some cache whereas now it's you got a bunch of these running around And bikers like bikers and karate guys that was probably bikers that yeah like yeah just pulled back and they have a fucking knife in their belt yeah sure they will stab you carry a weapon no I'm not anymore you got that weapons charge up in New York yeah ever since then I've been very weary of having a knife on me yeah what they hit you with was that a misdemeanor class five misdemeanor something like that for having that thing I'm having the hawk yeah having the damn man and the chopper let the chopper sing that's fucked up

I had a pipe for a while a pipe I had a pipe in my car I never used it I just like I had a friend gave it to me and they said it as a joke I was like yeah you know I will fucking hang on to this you ever just grip it every now and again when I drive oh man that's a nice feeling one time my own chestnut like me and this guy we're going into the city and this dude cut me off I did the same thing I pull up the side don't kind of give him a look and I was behind a cop Any that's perfect. I put my window down cuz I'm like this guy's such a piece of shit I'm gonna say something to him. He's like yeah, you're not gonna say something cuz the cops there, and I'm like oh What the fuck and then I just started saying something

I just think we just start fucking yapping at each other. And then about five minutes later, we're still going down Chestnut towards Center City, like from like West West Philly. And I see him pull up next to the cop. And then he kind of runs through the light. And two seconds later, the cop turns on the siren and I'm like, got his ass. That's awesome. Instead, the cop got me. Oh, and I see his ass stop about 60 feet ahead of me braked in the middle of the street watching me get pulled over

And the cop walks up. He's like Did you flash a gun at that guy? What like what no? The cop that I had a gun in my car he was running from you is what his yes. Yes genius So I'm fucking people to me over and I'm like no dude. I don't had a gun in my car. He was running from you is what his excuse. Yes. Yes genius So I'm fucking people. He pulls me over and I'm like, no, dude. I don't have a gun I promise you can search my car and I wasn't even thinking 13 hot pocket rappers, but no good Even operating a microwave in this vehicle How do you have it connected to the smoke charger the fucking?

Yeah, like he hollowed out the glove box and it's just a fucking microwave. It was a DeLorean, but it was just microwaves. It's all in there. Yeah. But yeah. So wait, he told you he had a gun? He told him I had a gun and I was so pissed off.

And I told the cop he could search my car and as soon as I did I realized I was like, I was on my way to a sketch rehearsal at like that thing across the street. I had a fake gun in my back seat. I swear to God I didn't flash it. But I was like, yeah, you can search my car. And then I was like, oh my God.

And the guy was just like, fuck, man, all right. And then he just let me go. Oh, he didn't go through. Yeah, thank God. Did he go to try to get the other guy for lying about? No, I think he just knew that it was just some dumb dispute between two young idiots and just moved on. Dude, what if you looked through all your improv shit and you saw like a man-sized baby bonnet?

Just a big spanking paddle yeah Fuck that was been scary. How was it like an orange cap gun or did it look kind of real? I think it was an orange cap, but we took it off because of the fucking show so You scratched it off the cereal Made the fake made in China yeah shoots pez that almost became the best possible revenge prank that a guy's ever pulled oh my god we had a fucking fake gun in the car actually had a fake handgun in the car yeah insane and you didn't wave that thing at no I swear to god I don't think I'll murder you my dude I had the pipe down here I was ready to go with the pipe if that fucking came to be was a gun in your trunk

Or was it in the back? No, it was just sitting in the back seat Yeah, I'm like a pile of clothes It was like a Walmart bag with a bunch of shit just stuffed in it because I was like running late to You would if he saw that gun you would have gotten like oh, yeah aggravated even if you wave a fake gun I think you get in trouble. Oh, yeah, I think it's felony right when it's in a car fake on now to this point Jake recently got shot by a bunch of teenagers with a Airsoft gun yes. I did what could they have been also charged with aggravated assault? Yeah, they get charged if you hit someone with a BB gun you get with airsoft or beep was a BB

I think was airsoft because little it didn't hurt. Why did you get why they shoot? I was leaving an Italian comedy night in the middle of fucking Delaware's like kill The front seat And I'm like walking back and I could you know you just feel the group of kids in the car pull up and I'm like Something's happening And I'm I just feel a little like Smacking on my kind of sting if they if you're close enough Yeah, it's kind of staying I had to like walk and act like it didn't hurt I was like I don't notice anything get around the corner and they fucking pull off in the

Scary and they're the fence you are the person to shoot with I'm the biggest target. Yes I'm like beginner level for that shit. They fired that many shots. Yeah, probably You can get automatic ones. Yeah, yeah, they made the AK now you get the airsoft AK He's like Jesus crazy walking in front of a storefront so I was like I was hearing it hit the glass a bunch too like uh-huh Yeah, would you think about getting a tattoo on the places where you were shot like Tupac? I'll do it. Yeah, get a little tear but did it actually hurt or did it? No, no, it didn't even sting. It was upsetting. Yeah Come on guys

Shoot me that would you rather be airsoft shot or get hit with eggs from a bunch of kids air? So yeah, dude. Yeah, I told you that that happened to me, too It wasn't in Delaware wasn't't it? It was in Delco. I was at an open mic, stand on the corner talking to a comic. You know, it wasn't you. And a car of teenagers drives by and they're probably from me to Josh away. And I hear them stop the car at the intersection and go, do it, do it, do it. And we look and they just start throwing eggs like probably Six eggs at us and they miss it's like that scene in pulp fiction They missed every time and they hit this business behind us. I was like, how do you miss? Yeah, have you ever thrown eggs at anybody? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's fun

I mean you got to get to humans at some point you start with houses then moving cars And it's like the most dangerous game baby. I'm making humans now I got a human yeah, the saddest people walking on bridges I've gotten my karma back multiple times. What do you think I got hit with like every kind of fucking milkshake in Newark, Delaware I'd be riding my skateboard to work. You'd get hit with a milkshake. And people would just, out of a truck,

throwing giant cups of red fucking liquid at me, hitting me, hitting me with the F word on the way out. So, like, I got it so many times. Like, three times. That's a lot. On the same street. That's a lot. That's a lot.

You think, while you're walking, having those kind of experiences You'd have more appreciation for somebody driving you Yeah You really would True maybe you'd be getting pegged with fucking slurpees and nobody's fucking egging either one of these dickheads Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've uh I'm trying.

Just getting shot, egged. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I've uh, we egged people one time, and like this is when I learned we're too old for it, because we like, egg these guys, and then they like chased us and found us, and we were the same, we were all like 20, and we were like, oh. They were like, did you throw eggs at us? And we were like, no. It was like, I think they were honestly a year younger than us, because they like came up on us and we were like, What the fuck out here? We'll beat your ass. And I was like, we're 20, we don't do that. Cause we were just young enough, we couldn't go to the bars. So we were just egging people.

We were like, maybe they were a little bit older than us. They made our 21, cause they like came out of the bar and we were just like, pop pop pop pop. And ran away and they came up, they were like, you're such a fucking eggs. My one friend had an egg in his pocket. What's that from? My friend was like, get the fuck out of here, I'll kick your ass. I was making an omelet early. This is my lucky day. He was like, I was just bringing this around. What's that from my friends like get the fuck out of here? I'll just bring this around there like they realize like there's like five of these fucking morons here And you were on foot you weren't even in a car. That's crazy, dude

We begged the New Jersey trolley or the Ocean City trolley one time I've talked about this before but it was the funniest thing ever man. We had my cousin ride It's we had an inside man, and then it stopped Tell us what happens that we just got in and it was like Tomatoes eggs all kinds just fruit like food Bombed this trolley with all kinds of food my cousin said it was like the craziest shit just watching people like yeah Now how is he communicating? Do you have a wire? No, we just knew the route we knew it came by every so many minutes So he caught it like a few blocks up rode it and then when we he got off like come on

He tried to get some guys together like come chase us He's like, come on, let's go get those guys and then in the last second He said they kind of were like just old black ladies with their groceries No, it was on like the ocean drive so wasn't on the boardwalk It was like this little trolley that would take people like down to the boardwalk and back you had an escape route And we ran right to the beach you was he hit at all. No, he didn't get it Okay, he said we caught there was one guy we all ended up aiming. We were like, what did you hit? What'd you hit? Wow. Wow you all

He was like you guys all apparently we aimed for the same dude this guy was like all decked out He was dressed. He had like double earrings on he was like it's the most guys like he was like way way too into his outfit Either hit him or came close to him as a parent that we all like that guy never just threw their shit at this point We hate that guy the most Wes yeah, you guys fucking lit that one guy up the rest of the shit. Just like hit the sides and Sorry, I think I said his name again Your boy had to take one Like it was I don't think he got touch all the only one guy got it

But if everybody except your boy had gotten it on the trolley and like one stop in he puts on a poncho Checks a watch yeah, I'm a big Gallagher fan Yeah, it would be I mean now It's like I would never be crazy if you're like trying to like do something if I was just like bopping around during the day Like all right. I gotta do this fucking and an egg just hit me Familiar with Brian pumper adults yes, yes, I am he got egged recently i heard man yeah dude there's a podcast It's all in the atom or whatever no jumper podcast he interviews nat turn her which is brian pumpers i guess But he talks about pumper and pumper was like disgraced porn star direct him director of the three-fifths compromise

But i'm not saying brian pumper made the three-fists. No. But I'm not convinced that Brian Pumper wasn't setting it up for views. Yeah. You think he got egged for views? I think he's been doing it to people and then they caught him so this might have

reignited people's attention on his channel. He's been egging people online? Yes. Do you know why he got kicked off of like out of the porn industry or kicked out of the porn industry No, he was prowling the subways I believe in New York City and he would just like press up on not like well I mean, yeah, I guess he press up on ladies be like yo, I guess you'd find ladies are kind of hard up and be like I'm gonna give you some cash. I'm gonna film. We're gonna I'm gonna fuck you on camera and he was Saying he was testing he was like just sending in content being like yes I like we're tested with porn stars

He was just like fucking ladies are all off the rip and then he'd go do regular porno shoots And they were just like bro. Yeah, you got he just got like blacklisted forever They're very serious about testing and pornography. I learned from the Nat turn her interview There was a lady I went to exotic of this year with Shana and there was a lady What the fuck is her name? She's the gangbang queen. Hmm. I don't know if you're familiar with her. That's her legal name. Yes Yeah, what's your stage name? I can't think of her name, but she's got that condition where your your ass your skin in her case It's her asshole pussy are completely white

Is it impotent? Oh something like that? Yeah, something like that But she was like offering fans to gangbang her if they had proper testing. She's an albino Yeah, exactly what they are Listen, you could have fucked a porn star that day Anybody could have if they went and got tested if you had the proper testing That you and it didn't matter what you well look like she wasn't being picky. She was she when did she come back? Probably November you enter your name on a wheel and you just spin it my thing with testing What if your test is from like three days ago, and then you just like had like gay sex under a bridge

And I'm sure there's a lot of people that are fudging results too. Yeah. What if you got a horny guy that's just really good at Photoshop? That's true. Yeah, I feel like that testing has to be on site for it to be trustworthy. Oh, it's on site. Like, she needs a little doctor. Yeah. A little doctor fellow next to her.

She was also making sure that guys weren't crossing their fingers behind their backs. True. Dude, I'm reading a book right now. It's a, it's a, I'm on a book right now. It's a it's a I'm on a big autobiography kick and this one is the autobiography of a guy in like think like the 80s in New York City It's called Electro Boy, but it's probably a guy who just has Bipolars like manic depressive, but he was more so just manic and it was he's telling his story when he was in New York City In the 80s. He had some money He's like working for like this art house and he just he couldn't say no to anything.

Like anything he came across, he'd be like, yeah, everything was totally impulsive. And it's just a story of him just like completely pigging on every single vice imaginable. It's the funniest fucking dude. It's he'll just like be sitting there. He can never sleep either. He just lays there awake all night. He's like fine. I'll get hookers, and then he just like walks down. And then he'll just look at stuff, and he says in the time he was younger He's just attracted to he says he's omnisexual he goes dude I would like see my own reflection in the mirror like fuck Nice, and he would see like a strong guy and be like dude that guy would fuck the shit out of my grout

He is just like he is just the horniest guy Possible who he's just always on a manic fucking rush, and then like like he would call escorts and they'd be like couples so sometimes you just go there and like he was like there's like escorts where you just watch a dude just like bang his wife and like he would like suck her nipples later like he was explaining all this stuff and then he probably bang her too. Then he's like I went I think if I'm remembering it correctly he like someone said like it was another couples thing he gets there just a's just a dude, he's like, you wanna smoke crack with me and jerk off?

And he's like, yeah, sure. Dude, just wouldn't say no to anything, it was insane. The story is- This is the Jim Carrey movie, Yes Man. Yes, it is. Way hornier. I saw that movie in Costa Rica and it was called Si Señor.

Was it really? Yeah. Si Señor. Do you want to jerk off with me was it really? Si senor. Do you want to jerk off of me and smoke a crack? Si senor. Well the story is insane. He ends up getting involved in art forgery for the same reason the ladies like, we should start

forging this guy's artwork and he's like, yeah definitely. And he just does it, he's like oh what did I do? Fuck. I'm almost out of the book but yeah it's pretty it's fun to read Yeah, it's gonna. That's not gonna be the first book. I've read in the Sure, I get it look. It's pretty gritty. There's a lot of details in there that I can see people being like It's like I was reading alone in a hotel room like god damn, bro. She becomes a maelstrom around in our do you ever have? An inkling that a bad boy phase is about to come out of you? I had a bad boy phase my bad boy phase. I mean it's like

It's gone, but hopefully it's you know it's always there, but I know I fight it man a bad boy phase Would just destroy my family right now Yeah, if you frosted your tips and got an earring On the toilet seat told myself I would never smoke crack and jerk off with a guy in it. Matt, is that a puka shell necklace? Talking in. No, I keep it pretty... It's one of the greatest struggles of my life.

Like how much of your, you know, sensory enjoyment do you sacrifice versus how much do you indulge in? There has to be a fine line. If you press yourself too hard, you'll just explode. I almost lost my family over Dude it's totally understandable though I know now that I have a family and kids I'm like if I hear people like do some crazy wild shit and lose Their family like you made it there for a long time. That's impressive. Yeah, you hung in there It's pretty hard not to do is a daily struggle not to be a disgusting, perverted creep in loser family.

Dude, the first time I did crack, I flew out to Denver to watch the Eagles play them, and I had a massive crack hangover at the game. I'm in the top deck, I'm just, people are talking shit, the Eagles are losing by four touchdowns, and most of the game I'm just like, I'm the biggest loser on the planet, and I'm just like, I'm kind of the man too.

Why, just because I'm the biggest loser on the planet. I'm just like I'm kind of the man, too Why just cuz you did the crack is yeah, I think like I think I don't know I might be oppositionally defiant Yeah, like if my wife says not to do something, you know, yeah, you're gonna don't do any crack while you're in Denver I'm gonna do all the crack in Denver bitch. You think you know everything don't you? How did you score crack in a city you had never been to? I was down by where the, wherever the Nuggets Arena is, there's a brewery there. And I went looking for regular ass coke. And the guy's like, I don't have soft, but I have hard. And it was a gamble.

Yeah. And I was like, all right, fine. And I bought maybe like a hundred bucks worth. And I took it back to the hotel and I smashed it up as much as I could. And I snorted it. It was not a pleasant experience, but it did do the trick If I'm feeling then cocaine or relatively the same as you snorty crack. Yeah, you snorted I snorted it the first time I like I ended up smoking crack at the time and that was too intense. Yeah on me I'm not smoking this stuff anymore. Jesus dude.

I've already noticed for a whole month. Dude, it was too much. Too much, yeah, and it's, you know, thankfully it didn't take, but I did love regular ass coke. Yeah. I've heard, yeah I've heard some people say they smoke crack, that's it, it's on from then on out, it's like, well, this is all I'm doing.

So I'm glad you were able to get it and go, man. It was too much, like I was never a person even though I only did it a couple times like I would just stand where I was And just smoke crack until the crack was gone and I'm done with this yeah And then it was like all right until the next time rolled around I was like yeah, you want to do it again Yeah, but I think I bought it. I think three times, and I smoked it twice But what you do with the third time just like chuck it? and I smoked it twice. But that was enough. What'd you do with it the third time?

Just like chuck it? Booth it. No, we were at my buddy's house. Like I got burned on buying regular Coke. And then the guy, the friend of a friend was like, well, I know a guy who can get hard. And I was like, all right, cool. Again, I'm gonna get you.

There, but for the grace of God, I'm now really avoiding getting butt-faulted. But we ended up, he got a bunch of it, and we stood in his bedroom all night in a three-man circle just smoking crack. That's the funniest drug, because it's very- Y'all trying to get hard right now? Yeah, I can get hard too. Yeah.

Yeah, that'd be so funny. Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing? It is, the parties on like hard drugs are so funny cuz I'm sure it's so fun But it's just always just like three dudes in a room is like It was nothing because eventually like his girlfriend kept trying to get him to come out of the room She was hanging out downstairs and they were whispering the entire time which really creeped me out And he just would not leave he was whisper arguing with this poor lady who apparently wanted us out of the fucking house Yeah, make sense like no. I'm yeah smoking crack with my bros in my bed

We're standing in a circle and you gotta shut the fuck up about a Talk about this. That's crazy. Do you remember when we were in Florida and we were at that motel alien? Wernos's place we rented her room Eileen Wernos the Charlize Theron monster. Yeah. Yeah. How was it? Disgusting and I never want to go back.

We were afraid to sit on the bed. That's how gross it was. Is that where she was like living? Yes. Yeah. Did you request her exact room number? Yeah. They'll give it to me. Yeah. Yeah, we went down there and we were filming some stuff for like our Patreon and it started to get dark.

The plan was to stay there for the night. But dude, this motel, all the lights, soon as at sundown all the lights in the motel turned off like the main office They just kill the rooms the street lights and then all of a sudden like these dudes just roll up these uh zombies yeah, and Like they set up in post like this one guy sitting underneath a lamp post like the one lamp post that's on They set up in post like this one guy sitting underneath a lamp post like the one lamp post that's on Just blasting Mexican music from his phone Another guy is walking by us as we're like carrying the camera equipment back to the car Just like hands behind his back this close to us not talking to us just kind of looking in our van

It was getting very might have been another bad boy meetup like we were just talking about Sure, they're buying ready to form the circle. Yeah, you guys got harder soft It was hard. Mike gave your card to the guy who owned the motel and he takes him to the room and he lets Mike, he opens the door for Mike and then he takes off his shoes and walks into the room barefoot, showing Mike around the room.

And then they called you, right, because of the towel that was like missing? Oh yeah, there was a pillow missing. A pillow that we used to block the light of the window. It was just in the window. Yeah, so yeah, yeah But they called you about the pillow bro. I can't do that was a $7 pillow to the most disgusting Everything fabric you've ever seen yeah, like the fact that they needed that thing so bad Yeah, so you going up and asked him like yo There was like a wild-ass lesbian in this place like ten years ago

Can I stay in that place? He just knows where I guess people come and do it when I called initially they changed the room number and I forget What it is now, but if you ask for it, they'll give it to you and I reiterated when I got there I was like, this is the Eileen Wuornos room, right? He's like, yes, although he was pretty Indian. So I'm not sure he understood That's how we might have got a random room. I think it was hers though. It did the trick He was not he showed Mike the room But his jaw was non-stop like the whole time he was giving he gave Mike a tour of a room like as big as this room Okay, so he just hit this is the bed. This is the dresser. That's the corner. That's the second corner of the bathroom

That's the toilet. That's the sink. He was like pointing everything. I said, yeah, thanks Was he a crackhead, you think? I think so, yeah. Or meth, maybe? Yeah, I think they were in on it. This is where she kissed her friend's pussy in the bed. Oh man. Yeah, you started to do that. Thanks for saying it again.

Oh man, I think about that all the time. Oh my god Big truck driver and kiss your girlfriend's pussy. I don't even get it. She looked like John C Riley That's fucking sick yeah, how's your travels been how the documentary in documentary and the murder world? Oh man, we're living life, man. And we get around, we have fun. We got to see John Wayne Gacy's old house. The house is different, but the property is still there. And it's a very creepy street.

What did Gacy do? What was Gacy again? Killing young boys. So dude, he ran a construction business and he would hire all these young boys to come and work for him and he would kill them. So his crawl space was full of them. His backyard was full of them. His walls was full of them his backyard was full of

Them his walls were full of them. Where was he based? Chicago suburbs, I can't remember the name of the suburb, but far outside. It's probably easy to on a construction site to kill boys It's like Drop some shit on them Boy accidents all the time did ocean Crack the case. Yeah, how was your little brother killed? It was a terrible boy accident. Sheets of drywall dropped on us. Don't get me started on boys right now. I watched this documentary my brother gave me It's the worst thing don't ever watch it. It's called turned out. It's about like

prison Romance some of it. It's not all this by force. Some is by force some is not Bro, they talk about boys how like I'm here in jail You need to get like four boys underneath you so like that you can Then like trade them for stuff, and it's it's the most fucked up whoa Harem of boys to protect your own, but basically no they just if you want to get rise It's like if you like if you already have a store where you're selling stuff You can get a boy obviously like they're they're like fucking their own boys

Obviously so that's like a powerful network because then like you can trade if you get a boy That's your boy if anyone tries to fuck with your boy. It's a real power That's what the term fuck boy comes from by the way of all these guys like I'm a fuck boy That's your fuck boys like wait little boys really yeah, I look this documentary was filmed a while ago in Alabama It's like yeah, my little fuck boy It's like it and word comes out and if your daddy if there's daddy's too So like you're the boy and daddy's a guy who's like in charge But if your daddy gets transferred or released all the other dudes go like oh, there's a spare boy

Let's say find out what you're a boy. You don't get promoted If you get boy to daddy The bottom bitch you can have like boys underneath you and you can start then you can send your boy out to go get other boys Okay, so yeah, you can there is you know it is a pyramid scheme. It pyramid scheme vertical organization. Yeah, but yeah, this documentary was Mary Kay terrific Harry a Mary Kay started a nice a nice charity It's it's like it's called the angel tree where there's like awesome Christmas trees where you can Take a thing and if you buy a gift it sends it to a prisoners kid. Oh, dude that sounds like fat mom heaven

If you buy a gift it sends it to a prisoner's kid. Oh dude, that sounds like Fat Mom Heaven, the angel tree. Dude, fat moms love angels so much. This is true. This is true. But yeah, the documentary is fucking nuts, dude. It goes into the ins and outs of it and it's like. I'll bet. It's wild.

Dude, that's got be like the harshest realization where you think your boys with a guy in prison you realize you're his boy his boy exactly you know they're all about the friendship in the documentary like you know it's like I mean sex aside we're like a family he fucks your butt then he's like clean your room Take out the trash. It's gonna be great Sure, you get all the cigs you want That's there for real like yeah, I think it's not dude You have cigarettes sales and then the next thing is always you better believe Dylan. He says a power thing

Yeah, bro. I couldn't get enough if I'm getting my butt fucked. I'm gonna have my mouth filled with cigarettes like that I'm getting my butt fucked. I'm gonna have my mouth filled with cigarettes like that That's true. I mean I guess once you get yeah, what's your again? It's all there's totally different things some of the dudes you got took and some of the dudes were just like yeah I do owe you a lot of soup take the Yes, pretty wild. I'm not gonna be able to get all that soup so How far into cheek debt would you be willing to go? Cheek debt yeah, I don't know. I think you get your cheeks taken like over like if you can't produce you're done. So I wouldn't want

to risk my cheeks in debt. Although I don't know it'd be nice to like yeah get like a line of credit on the house. Like damn that is a good interest rate. I don't know. Getting a cheek debt would be so scary dude. It was just on the line? I'm completely lost at this point Cheek that so Matt's talking about going into debt because you owe soup and I was like alright So if you got to pay but for soup like how far into debt like how hungry you have to be to be like you know I'm gonna get fucked over some Doritos. Yeah, I need like an infographic to take this information Can we set up like a payment plan?

You know burritos over time. Is this still the system of modern prison? I don't know. Having a hairy mufuck voice? This was from, I don't think so man, this was from like a long time, man I don't fucking know, but this was from like a dirt poor county of Alabama. Yeah that could have been played by its own rules. Yeah no one had any no one had any cash on them and it was just like it was just soups soups. I mean now you can have your own tablet in prison. Yeah, dude It's my pretty wild my brother was telling me there's a subreddit Just like the prison subreddit and there's dudes I get like the like iPhones and they just like Stream from there like man. Yo, we got the PS5 man

And it's just them like streaming just live you can like get into like real prison footage now pretty easily on the internet Yeah, I've seen plenty of we live from jail. It's crazy. How is that fucking possible? I don't know you get the contraband phone in They're more successful than I am I think Telling them yeah Time actually I Haven't been snitching, but I think it's time to start. Yeah Officer, there's a situation. There's a banging live stream going down. He's got a gun on the stream

Actually, I did start snitching I tagged the FBI and somebody's tweet the other day of just a guy shooting a gun into the air and like Florida or something And I was like Miami Dade at Miami Dade police at FBI And I did it without even like checking the replies and there was hundreds of people that were like at FBI at FBI Yeah, it's the bulls fall down. We're doing that. Yes, I'm back at the same terminal velocity as I know I know Did for the last few bros today? Exactly you learn that in physics parabola. Yeah Yeah, you think about that. It's all fucking cool shooting a gun in the air But someone's like yeah, they fall back down. I was like oh, yeah, I thought they just go through space forever fuck

Maybe that's what you got shot with you think so. Yeah, I know it's yeah, damn it All right, I'll get a look into apparently know what I heard cool factoid know the airplane the Alaskan airline the door that like flew I mean apparently someone's cell phone fell out and then the cell phone fell and landed someone's backyard and they got their cell phone back and it Worked right? Yeah, no way from fucking space. Yeah, basically and still work. Yep Pretty cool speaks a lot about was it an apple or was it a didn't get that detail Was it in an Otter box? That's the question. Yeah, that's the question Dude, my lady left the phone her phone on top of the car when we left the Phillies game a couple months ago.

And when we got home, I had an alert that was like, Maggie's phone has been in an accident or something like a car accident happened or something. And I was like, why did I just get this? And it flew off on the highway. The location was still so perfect that we could find exactly where it was on the highway Perfectly fine. It's not broken screen wasn't cracked It's pretty misogynistic how Apple just assumes like a fallen lady phone is just like this fucking bitch got a car So I was

Having a discussion with my wife recently, and I thought she hung up on me apparently she just didn't know I was still talking Having a discussion with my wife recently and I thought she hung up on me apparently she just didn't know I was still talking I think she hung up on me I was so mad my phone was hung up on this little like magnetic thing I punched my phone and then I just like threw it against the side of my car It called 911 because I thought I was in an accident Whoa, yeah, dude And then I I don't know if it was from the slam on the side of the thing and then I My phone was lost like it was on the side so I had to like reach over and get it and by the time I

Did it was too late 9-1-1 call me back, and they're like everything alright. I was like yeah, I'm just pissed off dude my bad My wife hung up on me and I spaz and fucking punched my phone. He was just like alright man all good He's like okay later on I had been chillin too. I'd been fucking vibing before that, but I just hang up it was like a fr- like a Had been chilling too. I'd been fucking vibing before that, but I just hang up. It was like a Hectic schedule day, and I like totally forgot I'd take my dog to the vet and I boned up She's like you ain't where you're not I was like oh She were like plan your day, and you just look at it like yeah, that was impossible

Why did I even yeah do that yeah? No that has not never happened Pretty sparse schedule You got a pretty sparse schedule. Yeah, true. How do you get it the better, right? He's fine. His knee's fine. He's alright. Got x-rayed, he's all good. His knee was fucked up. It's one of those things. My family's

big into like, put that fucking dog down, dude. Why even do this? I swear to God, I tell people that. People are shocked and horrified. I'm like, yeah, my parents call for my dog's heads. If they're sick, they're like, kill him. I'm going through that right now. I'm like, yeah, my parents call for my dog's heads if they're like sick. They're like kill me, dude Yeah, I'm going through that right now. I got a 16 year old pitbull Right now he's wearing diapers. He's can't get up the steps. I mean it's time 16 of my dog

My dog 16 has diapers. It's you know how much it is like put a dog down It's like hundreds of dollars just to kill your dog. So it's just like Maybe I'm gonna choke him Yeah, true. You you're a pretty strong guy. So I am a pretty got behind him and really yeah Give him some legend buy some Fent. Yeah, he was dropped a little in the bowl. Mm-hmm. No one will ever know Yeah junkie he does not die. 16's rough, yeah, 16. My dog was 6 and my dad was like, I'd put him down.

They're gonna charge $150 for medicine? Yeah. Murder that thing. Yeah, your dog sneezes once and says, oh that's it, take him out. Yeah, they'll come to your house now, now it's a nice little thing, they'll come out to your house. Do they really? Yeah, they'll come out to your house house go to the vet and put your dog down is so sad I did that one time yeah, I've done dogs just laying on a metal table. I think sit down with it. It's like That's why I don't think I've done it because I did it twice before and it's just it's fucking hard-wrenching

So you can have them come to your house, and they'll like lay a little spread out for them You can give them like some last treats And then they'll just you can like hold them the whole time the metal table the vet Is just depressing yeah, just walk out and they come out like stripper cops and do it like just probably somebody You can probably hire some hookers too. Yeah Have a little party afterwards we're gonna let him eat peanut butter off of her pussy one last time Yeah, you should kill your dog for sure, but I do like the idea of getting them some fentanyl cuz uh I

Think that's the most humane way to go for an animal. Yeah, really treat them and just yeah give it coke too So it's like I was gonna be fun. Yeah So the last thing it's like I'm gonna start a business is like so many color ideas You guys know doggy daycare about doggy nightcare. Oh my god. I can see in color Yeah, don't yeah dog nightclub would be sick. Oh my god. Just end the night with who let the dogs out. Dude, dude, dude.

That's nuck a few bucks for dogs. That's a good idea. They throw their collars in the middle of the circle. Yeah, well, you've had that dog the whole time too. Oh yeah, probably since we got married like we got two months We got it for the $20 and like 12 cents because it was like a New Year's special Yeah, yeah, they said he was three or five when we got him, so it's been but definitely Yeah, man yeah, I

Sucks it sucks. It sucks, too, because you know, when you're married, when your dog dies, then you have to go in a period of like three months of open relationship, too. Yeah. It's a cry every time. Just a parade of dogs coming in and out. Now we've been in an open relationship for five months and why we mourn our dog? Have you guys known when you're ready to love again?

By getting by when one pet dies, what kind of period? I'm already thinking about my next dog. Once my dog's six, I'm like, dude, the next dog I get is going to be so sick. You're just drawing a dog with sunglasses and a leather jacket. Fucking Poochy from the Simpsons. But no, I don't know. I haven't been through, it was always like family dogs. You know, I was little and they would die. We'd have one like after a couple months. But I'll be at the helm when our dogs die. And I already got the dogs I want planned out. So I'm gonna pull the trigger pretty quick. Is this the first time you're verbalizing this or have you spoken openly about this?

I've talked to my wife all the time. I'm like, next time I'm either getting a Shepherd or an Akita. So, you know, I love my dogs, but when they die I'm gonna get new dogs because I love dogs so much. So I'm gonna be like... Damn dude. Do you wait for the dog to leave the room before you start talking about this? No. Oh, I say it in front of my dog. Yeah, you know some people... Hey dog walking! Pacing around the living room for the 4,000th time that day. Michael Bark Duncan. Pacing around the living room for the 4000th time that day Michael bark Duncan

No, I'll be I'll be devastated when my dog's I said, but I am stoked on getting like I rescued these guys these guys were Yeah, my dog was eating like trash in Alameda, dude. Yeah. He's a loser. He's a total loser. I'm gonna give you fucking shots when I collared. Dude, I think, yeah, my dog was on like doggy death row back when we got him. They were like, he's been here for two years at this point. He's going down.

Did he have a bunch of puppies under him that he was using as sexual collateral? You know, I never, I gotta ask him. A buddy system. Did he have a bunch of puppies under him that he was using a sexual collateral? Cruller don't want to skin those dogs. She's one of the pain Is it mrs. Pfeiffer comes out with the dead one cuz he got fucked it Turn him on his side he spits out big dog come Never mind, it's only a hundred again. They rub him out and just turn him on his side. He spits out, big dog come. God damn dude. He needed a stomach pump like Marilyn Manson.

He needs to get a little kimchi. Well Josh, I think we're at four, right? You have another one at four o'clock, so sorry about that. Dudes, please plug your stuff, dude. Oh yeah, I got my new book, Delco Derpaul. It is a Wigger crime novel set in my beloved hometown of Delco, PA.

It involves two lovable losers who are mistakenly accused of their boss's murder at Halloween Adventure, and then one of their dads contacts them about cashing, fraudulently cashing a check, which would enable them to hopefully get out of Delco But if they get caught they're fucked and then they're also gonna get pinned with the murder Yeah, baby, we could crime novel. They'll go to her ball. That's awesome. Get it buddy. Yeah, oh wait You can buy it at on perks comm oh perfect Yeah, and we got a nice new shirt gonna pop up in there soon for little yeah

Yeah, yeah, you follow me at Matira follow our podcast little stinkers it's so much fun we do so much crazy shit and yeah if you like stand up search my name in YouTube you'll see a fucking 45 minute set yeah put that on for anyone you don't like so yeah please follow me as well at at Johnny Delco on Twitter and Instagram and I don't know if this is gonna come out in time but we are at Dallas Comedy Club this Wednesday, August 21st, and we're at Creek in the Cave Thursday, August 22nd, and we're gonna be in the Bay Area in October. Yeah. Yeah, baby.

So if you're around there, we'll be at San Fran Punchline on Tuesday, October 22nd, and we'll be at Sacramento Punchline the next night on the 23rd. And here's the deal, just so you're not apprehensive, like this isn't Fat Girl True Crime. I promise you, like, this is fun. So check it out. Yeah, it's awesome, dude. Dude, also check out DadMeet with my homeboy Tim Butterly, the funniest fucking dude on the planet.

Let's go. Yeah. Yeah. Hell yeah. Thanks for having us, buddy. Dude, thank you guys, man. Awesome. A ton of fun. Rock on.

Hell yeah. Hell yeah, dude. Get back to my George Washington, dude.