Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 511 - FitzDAWG (feat. Greg Fitzsimmons)

Episode Date: August 29, 2024

Watch Greg's NEW spesh 'You Know Me' on YouTube Now! Support the Fitzdawg on the road and his pod @ https://gregfitzsimmons.com/ Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Get Merch @ mssecretpodcast.com/merch Good afternoon everybody. We hope you're having a great week. We're here to bless you with another ep - nbd tho. Cusk chopped it up with the Fitzdawg aka Greg Fitzsimmons for another little bonus treat for you guys. Go watch Greg's new spesh now! Please enjoy. God Bless you all.  ps PLEASE come to Optimum Noctis at the Creek and the Cave Next week Tues Sept 3 https://www.creekandcave.com/events/optimum-noctisvb6dfszg51bdq3z3wnu4ptljon3iu0adxfc Download the PrizePicks app or visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/DRENCHED today and use code Drenched for a first deposit match up to $100 Visit https://joinbilt.com/drenched to turn your rent into rewards today Visit thefreezepipe.com and use code DRENCHED for 10% off your order

We'll start now. Greg Fitzsimmons, welcome to the podcast. Thank you so much for coming, dude. What an honor. It's great to be in Austin and just realize that literally the three or four biggest podcasts in the world are all in this town. It used to be, if you wanted to do press,

you go to LA, New York, try to get on late night talk shows. Nobody gives a shit about going on a late night talk show. Nobody cares, man. You think Seth Meyers is going to sell tickets to anything? No offense to him, I'm just saying, nobody- It's true. I thought it was such a big deal. I would see people go on them years ago even and be like, bro, the game's about to change.

Nothing would happen. I'm like, oh, what the hell? Yeah, nothing happens. Does anybody watch? They still run those circuits though. If you have a movie I've noticed, they still send people to like the late night talk shows, but I don't know.

Honestly, I think they do it to get the clip, the one clip they can put on the internet. Yeah, true. Yeah. That sucks. Yeah. Oh no, everything's becoming a podcast, dude. It's just fucking ruined everything. Yeah.

Yeah, that sucks. They used to make such a nice like production. They have like a band, everyone was wearing suits and now it's just sitting in your sweatpants your sweatpants like you can find me in Tacoma I know and it and it's just like there's no audience so Sometimes people can just trail off into mundane small talk true and instead of getting to the real shit Let's let's talk about Jesus Christ the Lord.

Is he in your heart? Please. Yeah, big time. I grew up fucking Catholic, man. No kidding. I grew up Catholic, too. Of course you did. Where'd you grow up?

New York. Okay. Damn, you grew up in New York City or New York State? Tarrantown, just outside the city. Yeah, I'm an Irish Catholic, dude. My whole family, we go on a Catholic mass every Sunday. Wow. Yeah, you can't really, even like when I'd be like fun at the college I'd like care about that stuff

I would eat like a quarter ounce of mushrooms always about Jesus every time is Jesus every single time Yeah, I would bug out and he'd be like I got you. I'm like, thank you Jesus. Sorry for all that shit I said, dude, I don't know anything. Sorry. Would you like talk to him? I would love so there's been two times I've eaten like a large amount of mushrooms the first time I was 19. I didn't know what I was doing I was just like I'll eat I had one handful once I'm gonna be two handfuls this time Freaked out there was no communication I was just bugging out to the point where I try to listen to music and it felt like someone was hitting my brain With a hammer yeah, I was like this isn't working

I got under my blankets, and I it was like you know and you close your eyes and all this crazy shit It was just like a stark image of Jesus, and I was like, oh, and I just relaxed. Pretty cool. No kidding. Yeah man, against my will, I was being cool, when I was in college, I was like, I don't even believe that shit. It helped me.

Dude, who's cooler than Jesus Christ? I mean, I don't know. That's what I'm saying. I mean, I'm not into heaven and hell and rules and all that stuff, but I mean, you take the teachings of Jesus and what he did in his life, whether it happened or not, it's an archetypal power that if you get it introduced to you as a kid,

it's just always there, like I still talk to God. I don't go to church, but I still talk to God. Yeah, it's important. People get hung up on the bullshit of like, you actually think, it's like, bro, I don't even care about that, man. Yeah. But it is true, if you can put that,

you genuinely, because I'm glad we got into this right away, because Christians and Catholics don't have that process that Buddhists have. If you're a Buddhist, you're going towards enlightenment. If you're a Catholic, you're just like, yeah, just try not to hit my wife, and just pray I can just ascend, just gloriously ascend, just be a piece of shit my whole life. The ascension, man. Just try not to hit my wife, and just pray I can just ascend, just gloriously ascend,

just be a piece of shit my whole life. The ascension, man. Just fucking rise to heaven. But if you really practice trying to be like Jesus, it has crazy effects on your life. Yeah, I mean, look, it's basically, it's distilling a lot of other, you know, like all this holistic kind of feel-good stuff

that, you know, whether it's like Deepak Chopra or whatever, it's all about shrinking the ego and realizing you're not the center of the universe, that there is a power, whether you want to call it nature or God or whatever. And you know, I'm a guy who I'm sober, so I've always dealt with the higher power thing as well. And it's just like, you know, when you can get out of your own way and realize that your choices are not affecting the world in any way, then you can somehow like be a friend and a husband and a father and all that stuff.

Yeah, dude, it's crazy you're saying that. This line of thinking's been coming up more and more. Like I'll talk to people. More and more people seem to be like, oh, all right, I kind of understand this whole thing. Yeah. So like I don't have to like burn prostitutes or like attack, you know. Did you used to burn the prostitutes? No, no, all right, I kind of understand this whole thing. Yeah. So I don't have to burn prostitutes or attack the, you know. Did you used to burn the prostitutes?

No, no, no, but I'm saying we started. You mean not pay them or light them on fire? No, light them on fire. Before it was like we should throw stones at women, we don't have to do that, we should just all be nice. It's starting, I think, to settle in on humanity. I feel like now, starting today. Yeah, it does feel weird that they throw stones.

At women? At women, you know, like. That's just a tradition. It's a tradition. It's just an ancient tradition. Yeah, and I wonder if women, just because it's gone on for so long, like if sometimes I'll go on a hike with my wife

and I'll pick up a rock, just throw it into the woods, and she fucking ducks. She really has. Just from her DNA, yeah. And she thinks like eight other guys are gonna come out in the woods and she fucking ducks. Oh, she really has for DNA Yeah And she thinks like eight other guys are gonna come out of the woods and just start stoning her. Yeah Yeah, man, that's one of those things where it is unfortunate to throw stones at women But like before anyone was being like this isn't right. It must have been kind of satisfying Well, I think that's why they invented baseball to channel the energy in a different direction

Yeah first baseman instead of your wife. And bats. Bats and balls. Bats and balls. Right. That makes sense. That was a bad thing when we were beating women. It stopped.

I mean, it's still going on. 50 years ago. Well, it's still going on, but it's not accepted. It's not acceptable. No, it used to be. You watch movies from the 50s and Cary Grant just slaps a woman across the face and then she kisses him. What about The Quiet Man? You ever see John Wayne in The Quiet Man and Cary Grant just like slaps a woman across the face and then she kisses him. What about the quiet man? You ever see John Wayne in the quiet man with Catherine?

He slaps a woman too? How can you be Irish and not have seen the fucking quiet man? I haven't seen it dude. Dude. And it's kind of the old Irish tradition of like, yeah. I mean, the thing about the Irish is it is actually matriarchal. The mother is the power one because there was so much alcoholism with the men that the women would have to step up and sort of like take charge of the family.

Yeah, that kind of tracks. And also like, you know, Catholicism, it's the Virgin Mary, you know, she's this, I was thinking about the Virgin Mary the other day, like a lot of thinking about the Virgin Mary the other day, like, a lot of press about the Virgin Mary before she had Jesus. Like, she had a hook, she had an angle. She was the Virgin.

Yeah, true. I'm the guy with the hat, you know, you're the guy with the kind of dumb Philly accent, and she was the Virgin. I knew you'd attack me at some point, go ahead. Well, you know, it's just, it doesn't, it makes you seem less intelligent, and I think you're attack me at some point. Well, you know, it's just it doesn't it it makes you seem less intelligent And I think you're a smart guy, but you're only gonna go so far in anybody's mind

I know until you take an elocution class. That's where you want to be though. Yeah, I told my wife I'm gonna get her etiquette classes to what I want to hire like etiquette classes I'm gonna hire like a head maiden or whatever for and try to just like teach my wife And what are they called? It sounds like some of you found a whorehouse the headmaid aren't they called like a headmist or whatever, and try to just like teach my wife manor. Head maiden! What are they called? It sounds like some of you found a whore house. The head maiden. Aren't they called like a head mistress or something? Yeah, I don't know. I wanna teach my wife,

I wanna get someone to teach her like manners, decorum. Is she Catholic? No, she grew up a Baptist. She's black, so. Okay. Yeah, she does like one of those churches. Yeah, well that's exciting. Funny ones.

Yeah, yeah, I mean the Baptists are very exciting. They have the masses that you wanna actually go to. Do you ever go? Once. It's pretty, yeah, I always feel like I'm intruding. The few times I've been, I'm kinda like, sorry guys. I know. You know, you guys are doing something cool here

and you have just like a white onlooker just being like. Oh, cause white Catholic ceremonies are morose. Yeah. That deep organ and the incense burning and you got, you know, the thing about that, a lot of, you know, different Protestant faiths, the Jesus on the cross is, it's an icon, but it's not, it's not as detailed. Like, we got nails and blood and thorns, you know, you go to, you go to like a Lutheran. It's just a cross There's no on it. We get it. We know what happened. Yeah. No, you gotta see the gore honestly

Yeah, but yeah, they don't really it was it was just like I've I've been to a that and I've been to one of like the white I don't know if it's like a mega churchy kind of thing where everyone goes like this the whole time Uh-huh, and I could feel like my Catholic training you so you just stand there like a Roman soldier Fucking doing this and you go to like your Catholic school dance and leave some room for the Holy Spirit Yeah, ours got pretty wild though. Really not the great the grade school all the people we had We had literally two pedophiles Chaperoning our grade school dances. Did you know at the time? No, did you have a hint? Did you have like a feeling? I? Was even you're young you don't really know there was never any like kind of advances or anything

But like when I got older I started being like what? students doing exchange programs for Teenagers from Europe being like what the fuck exchange your fluids. Yeah, dude. Well, yeah allegedly They both in jail now the one got off So but the other one it just got caught with like the fucking I think the CP and it was just a child porn Hmm. Yeah, you got caught with the good stuff and then uh, you want to I think you want to Joe Did I just break your algorithm by saying it out loud? I don't think so child porn. I think you say it You're allowed to say it. You're not allowed to look at it. Yeah, no, but I mean, as far as like your podcast

getting the algorithm. No, you can say it. There's always like those keywords where you get demonetized. Yeah, child porn might be wonderful. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, so, I mean, here's the thing about child porn is if I know I'm capable of murder,

and I'd like to exercise that opportunity at some point. Like, if I knew a guy was a pedophile and he got away with it, I don't know man, I don't know. I don't know. I wouldn't feel bad honestly. If the situation was right. Oh yeah. And I could definitely get away with it.

Yeah. Because he's gonna do it again, that's the thing. That's the fucked up part. Yes. Why do they get out of jail? Like why are they not in jail forever? That should be fucked up part. Yes. Why do they get out of jail? Like why do they why are they not in jail forever? That should be like life sentence. It should be life sentence and it should be a special prison Mm-hmm, you know where they all go cuz I don't like the whole idea like put them in general population

And then they get like they get raped and killed just put them in their own fucked up little island True and let it be like, you know Lord of the Flies. Did you ever see Pervert Park? No. Dude, there's a documentary you might want to watch. It's about literally a trailer park in Florida where they put pedophiles and every night dudes drive by and like throw bottles over the fence. No, really? It's really sad though.

You watch it and you hear their stories. You're like, oh, you guys are all molested. And you're like, ah, fuck. Well, that's the thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's kind of the hot potato is like, bro, you're busted, so. I'm not killing them because I think that it's purely because of the, that they're gonna do it again.

That it's stopping a cycle. Well, dude, the thing is, everyone's like, conversion therapy is crazy if you're like, we gotta take the gay out of gay people. Like you're thinking now we're just, we're operating on the same thing for pedophiles. We'll go to jail and we'll fix that. It's like, no, you're not. They're not gonna be like, yeah, you're right. I don't I don't want to fuck kids at all

Yeah, definitely gonna try to do it again. Do you ever have any friends that surprised you by coming out later in life? No Damn that that means you got some new friends No, everything Shane might be gay no, I don't think Shane's gay Just seems like he's I wish he was manly. He's so manly that sometimes I go like come on Really you think he could just completely be a power bottom. I Think he I think I think he would be a struggling bottom at first But eventually if he was gay that'd be awesome. Yeah, I wish you a manliest guy He really is the manliest dude. I suspect those guys. Really? Yeah

Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I don't think he's gay. He's had every opportunity to fuck me He's never have never even made a pass So has he touched you like it like hitting around? Yeah for sure has he touched your penis for sure like a million times We've talked about it before okay. He's touched a lot of people's penises actually. Well, okay. But, that's fun. That's like sports. It is fun when you're gay.

That's sports. Yeah. That's sports stuff, dude. He's not even here to defend himself. I can't wait till he listens to his own podcast. You're the one levying all the accusations. Ha ha ha ha. No, I'm straight as hell.

I'm straight as hell. Dude, I had three of my best friends come out of the closet. Did you really? My buddy Pete, growing up, we would, uh... Dude, we slept at each other's houses four nights a week. And we used to skinny dip in the summers together. We went to Europe together and hitchhiked around for six months when we were 18. And you guys never fucked around?

Never in any way. And then years later years later came out and I was like what? Did you so they're still your good friends you're able to ask him like did you like want to fuck me? I talked about I just heard that he came out. Oh what you don't okay? I've only seen him once or twice since that happened. You didn't ask him like what do you think of this? Honestly, how did I? out So I just found out yeah So you couldn't even talk when you saw me just like sup, bro. Yeah, okay, and then you two other people two other ones

it was um My friend you ever heard of Kevin Meany comedian. I have yeah one of the greatest comedians ever to grace the stage He was in credit. He died about seven years ago. Oh fuck. I just thinking of someone else to my bed He was one of my dearest friends and he came out of the closet at 50. And I'd known him since, you know, since I was a kid. You had no idea? He grew up in the next town over from me.

I knew him since I was a kid. Damn. He was 10 years older than me. And we used to go on the road together, slept at his house a million times, like, you know, like brothers. Yeah. No idea.

I mean, he went to cooking school. Yeah. That's like, I hear what you're saying, but without any other clues, that's nothing. That's like a background. He was on Broadway in Hairspray? No, okay, well here we go. We're getting closer to the root of the issue here.

He sang in his act. He sang and danced in his act. That's just Broadway. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. But he came out when he got to Broadway because he suddenly, he grew up Catholic. Yeah. And he got to Broadway and he saw all these men

who were gay that were comfortable in their own skin and were having like healthy relationships with each other. And was like holy shit like his eyes opened and then he left his wife and kid what? And his wife was my next-door neighbor growing up Whoa, yeah. Oh he went full in yeah He could have just held it down as a gay dad told his wife like look. I'm gay like, you know We're through but I'm just a whole my ass spot down. Yes, but you know, I'm not gonna judge the guy that would have been the Catholic way exactly. Yeah, like I'm gay He sure just became a priest honestly If you really how many priests and nuns are gay, I think all the know the nuns

Yeah, I mean it kind of you know, I wish they weren't but yeah, they're probably lesbians, honestly. My mom went to Catholic school in the Bronx and she and her sister, she had two sisters, they got the shit kicked at them because the nuns, here's the thing, nuns, let's assume that they're all gay, they join the sisterhood because they basically don't wanna have to get married. It's the 1950s, you got no choice, you get married,

nobody comes out of the closet. So they go, all right, here's an out. You go into this and then they figure, maybe they're gonna go to Central America and help poor people, whatever. And they go, no, you're gonna be at St. Benedict's Girls School and you're gonna deal with the kids

that you didn't wanna have in the first place. And they used to slap them and beat their knuckles with rulers. And it was brutal. Yeah, it was brutal Yeah, that's that makes sense though. That's why they're so rough and tumble. They're all a bunch of lesbians in there Yeah, just wanting to get that athletic, you know, yeah, let us is not right. I was hit by a nun I think I might have been the last person to get hit by a nun Yeah, I got I like jumped off a bus on a fire drill and landed on somebody

I'm gonna lady picked me up and just like smacked my butt, sat me inside and I was like, all right. Just slapped your butt. Smacked, this light play, nothing crazy. Did that, has that stayed with you? Like, are you attracted to that? Would you ask your wife to- To smack my butt?

Put on a habit and slap your ass. I never had the nun fetish, no. There was nuns for me were always like super old ladies. I never really like associated them with like sexy. Dude, Sally Field. Who, what does she do? Remember the Flying Nun, that TV show? Oh, you're younger than me. It was nuns for me were always like super old ladies. There was I'd never like associated them with like sexy Sally field What is she the flying nun at TV show? Oh, you're younger than me. How old are you 38? Jesus Christ? I look old. I know you do. I know I've aged poorly What did you I just look so young just no sunblock at all. No sunblock. I have two kids now

Yeah, I literally like deteriorated in like four years. Damn. I did the same thing when I hit 50 I'm 58 and I looked I look 59 now you look you kind of look right on par. Yeah, I look fucking old man I got gray hair gray hair Yeah, the gray hair could dye your hair and probably shaved ten years off I can't I know but I can't bring myself to die my hair now. I look crazy. I died of it Do you dye your hair? No exactly You could die you get jet black sides Yeah, no, I actually don't even like having sides I just haven't shaved it in a while you go bald. No, I it's been something new

I've looked young my whole life and now I don't look Yeah And it's it's honestly what I get cuz I used to work with a guy who was like I was being told how young I looked Years ago and he was like I look young too and everyone was like now you look old as fuck and I was like, ah Then now I look old as shit has happened like rapidly. Yeah, but you're married man. It doesn't matter It'll keep you out of trouble true. Like I have not given a shit what I look like for so long Yeah, I really it's so freeing because the first half of my life. I was like most people I was obsessed Yeah hairline started receding and I was I was fuckingaine on. When I'd go on TV, I had this brown powder

that I would put in the corners on my scalp and it actually really worked. Does it really? Yeah, because the lights hit it and it doesn't bounce off. Okay. Yeah. And you know, like I always thought I was skinny and I mean, I have beautiful eyes and a good nose. For sure.

But I felt like my body was, like, I felt weak. Yeah. I just wasn't a big dude. Yeah. And I was very self-conscious about it. So you can never just get jacked, no matter what you did. Well, look at this. Ah, dude, that's pretty fucking shredded, man.

That's no bullshit. No, I mean, I work out. I just don't, I don't have the body type that grows. You know, some people just have small bodies. You have a Kung Fu master body. Yes. You have, like, jacked Bruce Lee body well I did gymnastics for like eight years when I was when I was young with all your gay friends

Do that pommel horse I worked at pommel horse you've real did gymnastics yeah, yeah, dude that shit's crazy Yeah, my wife did that she was very serious into it really still like got that like you don't lose Yeah, you don't lose lose I still have like heart abs and yeah they do c-sections on it they've done too and they dig out a like really cut into there I like watches disgusting you didn't watch I didn't why was behind the curtain yeah no my wife had c-sections and I tried to go around and a nurse fucking grammy's like no no no you don't want to see that I was like shaking I was behind the yeah All right terrifying yeah, but man. I take it dude. They just take it take it, but the upside is that vagina exactly

Hey now. I know I tried to say I asked the doctor my can you do is there something else you can do that thing? While she's under the knife you need to fucking Even tighter That is crazy though. I've dodged that bullet myself. I'm like, dude, that's got to be, I mean, that's got to change things, right? When a fucking baby comes out of there. Oh, I would imagine.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's why I think you get to a certain, I don't know this for a fact, but my guess is when you get to a certain age, the man just moves about an inch and a half down and that becomes the new vagina. I see what you're saying. Yeah, yeah. I think it's just like, it's like.

You got to actually. I think that's what happens if you get born. It is kind of a cruel joke on our creator that babies are bigger than the biggest dick, no matter what. Well, I don't think that they used to be. I think that women had smaller babies and wider hips. I don't think it was as big a deal to have babies before.

True. The heads have gotten bigger. Yeah. Like my wife, they told my wife early on, they looked at the, what do you call it? The picture of the belly. The sonogram. The sonogram, and they were like,

this thing's not coming out. Big Irish head. Giant head, yeah, big Irish head. And also her pelvis is slightly tilted. So they were like, it's never coming out. And she was heartbroken. She really wanted to have it. Yeah, they get so heartbroken about it.

My wife was so upset, and I was like, what are you talking about? This is perfect. We're gonna enjoy this so much. But yeah, it's like a strike I guess a strike on their womanhood, I guess, to like not go through the howling ordeal. But still I'm like, dude, getting cut open is pretty serious too, man.

Well, no, I think it also, I think there's actually like certain chemicals that are released when you birth a child that like almost stay with you. It changes a woman when it happens. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh shit, I didn't know that. It happens with my cock because it's the size of the baby. So I can make women get that. Thank God. You can complete them basically. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can usher them into their full-expression womanhood.

And it's like it's being born over and over again for like 35 minutes. That's good. I'm glad. That's actually nice of you to do that. Yeah. I would keep it to myself, you don't deserve this. No, I share it because I feel like, you know, women, they don't get enough of that, and I feel like, you know, especially when I draw a little baby's face on my crown. Yeah, true. And I put little feet on my balls,

I draw little feet. Is it balled up too? Is it like, eh? Yeah, yeah. You should have a crying baby. Yeah, they don't get enough, man. Is it like yeah? Yeah Yeah, they don't get enough man, they I it's just a shame I hear I heard if they eat their placenta though They'll get some of the effects. Yes, it's true. Like if they if they you know, yeah People save the placenta they put in the fridge pop it. Yep. What do you think it does to a man pop the placenta? Probably gives you some estrogen. They say, you know, men need estrogen. It's probably good for you.

You think so? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Doesn't it cause like a bunch of problems? Well, you get tits. That's kind of sweet, actually. It would be sweet. You know, Steve-O's going for tits.

No. Steve-O, no trans in, just a full rack. He's still a dude from my knowledge. This might be slippery slope territory. That's amazing. He's just gonna be a dude with a fat rack. Why not? I mean, I'm the only one in this corner.

I'm like, dude, that's kind of nice. I mean, it's pretty gay that we're always grabbing a dick and feeling it. Why not be grabbing some breasts? Exactly. Yeah. It's like an antidote. I wonder if you could do both at the same time or if that would get too confusing. Grabbing your boob and joking.

I mean, I'd imagine you would. titty fuck yourself. Obviously. Yeah, but Yeah, I don't know man, I think you'd have to just you could hold a tit while you jerked off we're talking about Yeah, not both Or you just kind of like mash them together. Yeah. Yeah, come on your own tits. That would be the big one No, I can't I can barely come on my own belly button at this point Fuck yeah i didn't think about that yeah when the ropes start stop flying i was never I was never a big shooter really no i was just talking to tom sagura and he said he used to hit the bed Board and he's just fly over his head did that happen to you yeah no i'm telling you i still rip him bro yeah i still rip him Did that happen to you? Yeah. No! I'm telling you, I used to rip them, bro. Whoa! Yeah, I used to rip them.

Damn! Peter North. I used to lose them. Out of the park, out of the park. I'd be like, where the fuck did that go? Really? Yeah, and now, you know, it's not that bad, but every now and again, I'll catch a drip

and I'll be like, fuck. Yeah. It's not like, I haven't got the full just like, oozing status. No, my first load now is what my second load used to be. Oh, okay. Yeah. I got you.

Right. Yeah, that does suck, man. Although apparently if you go on TRT, you start just cumming like a teenager. Oh, really? An 18-year-old. Yeah, I like to find it. I don't need to shoot over the wall.

I think it's a bad idea, honestly, the TRT. Yeah. What is that, growth hormone? That's just when you go on steroids, basically. You can just go to a doctor and just get juiced up now. No, but I heard it gives you energy. Like I've lost some steam and a friend of mine went on it and he said he just like gets up now and he just goes.

Yeah, like he doesn't feel buzzy. He just has natural energy. It's youth. Yeah, but who knows what kind of cancers it causes and shit like that. I mean, if you get to a certain point, it's like you might as well just let it rip. Because you're gonna die anyway? Yeah.

I mean if I'm like 60, I'll probably break the glass on the TRT. Yeah. Dye my hair. Right. Leave my family. I'm out of here, dude. I've dealt with you long enough. I'm jacked and I'm young again.

Right, right. I mean it would be good to have like a chapter two with another woman. I've been married 25 years this month. Damn. Congrats. Right, right. I mean, it would be good to have like a chapter two with another woman. I've been married 25 years this month. Damn, congrats, that's awesome. Yeah, thank you. That's pretty, that's a serious achievement. Dude, it's an achievement and I swear to you,

and this is gonna sound corny, but I still, I feel like I'm dating her still. We go out, we laugh. That's nice. I'm attracted to her. She's just, she's amazing. So that is, that's beautiful. Did you guys have like a,

cause I'm like curious about this cuz you seem like you've you know We both do stand up we have families and stuff How do you kind of keep that go? It's like it's a lot to be like gone all the time come back That's their period you guys have periods of like power struggle in this stuff. It's just always smooth sailing It's I mean when I when my son was born I was gone Well, first of all, we dated, so she knew what she was getting into because I was already on the road half the time.

And so she came into it going, okay, I'm good with that. She's a very self, she's an independent person. She can take care of herself. And she has good friendships, and so she's got a community. And then when our son was born, I freaked out. I just started taking so much road work because I was so, you know what it's like.

You're just like, oh my God, how am I gonna pay for college? And so, and then, and I was gone so much that she finally just went, this isn't working. Something has to change. And so I called up Louis CK, who I started with. He's one of my best friends. And I was like, dude, I'm dying out here. I don't know what to do.

And he was writing on a TV show at the time called Cedric the Entertainer Presents. And he's like, dude, we're looking for a monologue writer. I got a meeting set up for you on Monday with Cedric. So I spent the weekend, I was in Indianapolis, I sat in the hotel room writing jokes for a black dude from St. Louis. That was the voice. Not me. That's the dream. That's the dream. That's the dream. Right? I got on the Kangal cap. I got a Blackberry instead of my iPhone.

He was pencil-y walking around the room with the claw just digging like, hitting the fucking stanky legs. So I go in and I pitched to him and he fucking like, he loved my jokes, I got hired, and that started like, I've had a pretty good career as a writer. I've been writing for 20 years now on a million shows and I've been able to balance that with my stand-up so I wasn't gone as much. Basically I go on the road, whatever, 15 weekends a year. It's not bad and then I'm home writing on shows the the rest of time

That's kind of the dream now. That's that's thank God for this podcast cuz yeah, if I had to just do the road I'd know I'd be dead. You can't keep a marriage gone If you're just doing stands can't do it even if you're I'm out there being a good boy, dude And it's like you just gone too much man. It fucking sucks, right? So how many weeks of Yuri on the road? I too much man, it fucking sucks. Right, right. How many weeks a year are you on the road? I initially was doing two weekends out of a month. Perfect.

And then I started doing like three, and then I did like three, I'll do like three in a row and then now I'm gonna scale it back down to like once I get through, I like overbook myself for these two months, I'm gonna keep a hard limit on just two a month. Yeah. Hopefully ideally one eventually. And then when you're in town you come out and do spots? Yeah, if I'm not doing stand up that weekend. I'll try to do it, because then it's like

I'm going all weekend, then you do spots during the week and you're just never, you're not there for any of the dinner time. So I'm pretty good at balancing it. I can also, I can not do stand up for like two weeks, it doesn't bother me. I'm not one of those guys like I gotta get on the stage. Yeah, I gotta get on the stage.

35 years, other than the pandemic, I've never gone more than a couple weeks without doing stage. Yeah, I gotta get on the stage. 35 years, I've never, other than the pandemic, I've never gone more than a couple weeks without doing it. Yeah, really? Yeah, I get, I just fucking, I love it. I love it and also, honestly, I get scared that I'm gonna lose my place if I don't keep showing up. If you don't keep doing it, yeah. I gotta go piss on the hydrant every week.

Yeah, true. Let people know, show the youngins who's the fucking OG. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. That must be fun to pop in though but yeah, I just Every now and again. I'm like I just get pissed on my sleeper I'm like I don't want to be out till fucking 2 in the morning. Mm-hmm can't do it. Mm-hmm Yeah, do the early spots. No, I go out

I'll be no I usually ask for later spots because I like to have dinner with the family, right? And sometimes it's like I'll be out to dinner with my wife and like two other couples and all of a sudden it's 10 o'clock and they're like, oh, I'm tired, I'm going home. And I was like, all right, I'm heading into Sunset Strip. I live in Venice and they're like, what? They're like, why? How much are you making?

I'm like, 30 bucks. How much time are you doing? 15 minutes, I'm gonna drive an hour round trip. And they're like, why? and I just look at them like I Don't know I have to yeah, I don't know it's not rational. Yeah, just do it. It's what I've always done No, that makes sense. I I could for me I could totally I like doing it once I'm there But like just the anticipation of it for me. It's like a shit all weird beforehand I'm like it's just that's that's why I look so fucking old man. Yeah

You don't like that bad. She's buzzing your balls Did you play sports growing up you look like a wrestler? I played I should have wrestled that was my big mistake I never wrestled I played basketball and football Basketball how tall you? Five ten. Oh, I was I played when I was little so I was all when I was little Yeah, I got to high school football, and I just like saw other defensive ends, and I was like that when I was little so I was all when I was little yeah I got to high school football and I just like saw other defensive ends and I was like that's not my position I guess yeah, that's never high school is like my Allen Iverson. Was that your guy? Yeah, that was a big guy great I was huge. He was awesome. Yeah, but yeah, it was a

High school high school was like the end of my sports career pretty much because I just got there and I'm like, yeah I'm not growing it. I stopped growing. Yeah, where'd you go to college? Drexel. Drexel University. Oh no shit! It's kind of a rough neighborhood, isn't it? Yeah, it's in like, Mantua and West Philly, so it's like, where Drexel is is fine, but if you go north of that, that's called Mantua,

it's called the bottom, that's like colloquially, that's what it's called. And it is a really bad neighborhood, it's all getting gentrified, then if you go past Penn, that's like West Philly proper. But yeah, it's pretty bad, man I've lived in a I used to live in a house when I graduated That was like it's on 37th and Mel and now it's just public housing

But it was literally four blocks or four houses on the entire block Uh-huh. It was literally like a prostitute next to me. Like literally she would like suck dicks out of her back door Did you light her on fire? No, I was pretty tolerant of her lifestyle. Yeah I drove her up, but you never let them out. I never wanted to beat women or light them on fire? No, I was pretty tolerant of her lifestyle. Yeah, gasped her up, but you never lit the match. I never wanted to beat women or light them on fire. I'm just saying that's what we used to do. People still kill hookers though. Yeah, and the sad thing is the police are like, all right, whatever.

There's no investigation. Life didn't mean anything. I know, it's pretty shitty. Yeah, there's two homeless guys behind my my house one of them killed the other one like a month ago And the cops came for like an hour They didn't even yellow tape it they were just like all right. I just kicked him down the sewer. Yeah damn So yeah, they fucking killed the other guy. Yeah, did you see it or do you know? I didn't see it, but like the whole neighbor was telling me the next day

You know and then you got that like do you just, you? No, I didn't see it, but like the whole neighborhood was telling me the next day, you know, and then you got that like, what's the police thing? The citizens, the lapper, where you have to say that. Yeah, so they had the whole breakdown of it, but. Well, how did they, was it with like a gun or did like, knife stabbed him in the neck? Damn, dude. Yeah, I mean, Venice is rough.

It's like, in some ways it's very wholesome. Like it's a real neighborhoods community. It's always been very community. Like people don't have fences between their houses and like my kids grew up with the same, I've been there 22 years in the same house and we played beach volleyball on Sundays together. I played paddle tennis at the beach.

It's fucking awesome. Poker nights, you know, we go out to dinner. Like it's really amazing. But, you know, there are pockets of, you know, encampments, not like they used to be. They've really cleared it out. Yeah. But it's-

How do they clear it out too? I always hear that. I think they physically like pick them up and like get out of here. Well, they do a lot of lead up. They spend three months like trying to find them housing, interim housing, they put some of them into rehabs. They actually unite people with their families.

There's like a whole outreach problem program where they do that. Yeah, no, they're really good about it in Venice. That's good. Yeah, I was in Salt Lake and I was talking to the old mayor. Oh, dude. Dude, he was like, I didn't know he was running on like Save the Homeless.

He was like, yo, usually this place is full of homeless people and I was like, oh, it looks nice, man. Good job. He's like, no, it's like they literally came in here and just like grabbed their shit. I heard about that. And they get the fuck out. Yep, I heard about that. They take their like medications and they're like, pshh, good job. He's like, no, it's like they literally came in here and just like grabbed their shit. And they're like, get the fuck out. Yep, I heard about that. They take their medications and they're like, you know.

Oh, it's brutal. But I will say, I was like, this park's beautiful though. It's definitely, it is for the better. It's nice, but it's kind of brutal. But you just stomping on them. You almost just beat their ass. You're like, the fuck out of here. Yeah, I mean, it's like, they're gonna go somewhere.

The problem is, is especially in California where the weather's here. Yeah, I mean, it's like, they're gonna go somewhere. The problem is, is especially in California where the weather's not that bad, like they just honestly, they are given a chance to get into housing and they don't want to. Yeah. There's a mentality that's kind of sprung up of like, they call them campers, you know, and they wanna be in RVs or whatever,

and they don't wanna be told what to do. And there's, and the drug use is like, I don't know how much of it is that the drug use caused the homelessness or the mental illness caused the homelessness, which then caused, you know, self-medicating with different drugs. But it's a really tough cycle of break. Listen up renters, ever feel like you're stuck

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I know in Orange County what they do is they go, hey we have a bed for you. And if they go, no thank you, you go, okay, get on this bus and you can just, they just drop them off in San Diego. Oh, no kidding. Yeah. They're like, well we offered you a place and if you didn't take it now you're loitering and now you have to leave. Orange County man. Yeah, they do offered you a place and if you didn't take it now you're loitering and now you have to leave Orange County man. Yeah, they do that like around but it's also like I don't know man

It's one of those things where I've heard if I was talking to my friend Jared Klickstein. He wrote a book He was on skid row He lived there for like a couple years and I think like a year and went back and forth and he said the problem with The housing is a lot of times you put these guys in housing and they OD on fentanyl and that is in a house And they die whereas if they're on the street, they OD, someone's like, oh, Jesus Christ, he's a dark hand. So it's kind of a mess, man, it's a tough one to fix. Yeah, it is.

And it is funny because as people that grew up Catholic, what would Jesus have done? He literally was out there with the lepers and the prostitutes. Kissed them too. He would kiss them, I know, Kiss them too. Hey, kiss them. I know, wash their feet. Yeah, that's a big one.

Yeah, imagine washing their feet. Meth feet that are falling off too. Oh my God, with those hard nails that are all crusty. No, it's brutal, but then you see so many Christians in this country that are so anti-poor. Yeah. It's really, you know, it's a real paradox. Yeah, even the abortion issue,

like I get why they don't like it. Like my mom, no go zone for her. Talk abortion, my mom's like, get the fuck out of here. Good news for you. True. Yeah. Why would that be bad news, actually? Because she would have aborted you. True, yeah, I thought you meant like my kids.

I'm like, she's not gonna kill my kids. What the fuck are you talking about? True, yeah, she was anti-abortion, and, but it is like, you know, You truly I thought you met with my kids and my son True yeah, she was anti-abortion and uh But it is like you know it's weird when they're anti-abortion. They like spit on the ladies walking in It's like dude. You should like hug this lady on the way out. She just Destroyed a fetus man. It's pretty sad. Yeah, saddest shit ever. That's the thing. No one's happy about it I don't think so some ladies pretend. They're like yeah, I got tenth one you're like dude relax No, I have a joke about how like women need to own it more because they're hilarious by the way So thanks, man. Yes, very very funny. I appreciate that always nervous when they send me stuff

I'm like what if I don't like yeah, I watched them like this is fuck. I'm like sweet Oh, I couldn't have it in me to be like it was awesome, man. I was watching like yes shit fucking ruled I knew it would be good. I was watching like yes shit fucking rolled. I knew it would be good I've seen yourself before Literally like maybe the seventh person I've talked to that's seen it because it just came out last night And yeah, I only showed it to like a few guys showed to a towel and a few other people a towel told me Cut the first three minutes here. You're dead. You're you have death in your eyes I did I just went in and I snipped out the first three minutes And I started it with me standing on stage. That's a good move though. You know it's not like a jarring cut either No, I turn around to I say hello

And then I turn around to go to the stool and then it does the title page and then when you come back I'm starting it talking so it's fine and even if it wasn't who gives a shit nobody cares I think it's almost fun to start a little bit different, But no, but I think I was nervous and it showed. I don't think the material's bad, like it was fine. Well you think you were, oh in the first three minutes? In the first three minutes, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's blowing up on, it's just been out for like 12 hours and it's got like 35,000 views already.

Yeah dude, it's very funny. I can't believe it. Yeah, it's a sweet way to do it too. Yeah, I mean, well, it's a pain in the ass because I paid for it myself, which was a lot. I shot it at the mothership. Yeah. And I was like, all right, I'm never getting this money back.

But then you get to the distributor and there's like a whole split with them that's a lot, like they had a lot. And you're like, that's kinda my thing, isn't it? What kind, what is the split? I don't wanna get into it because they're probably gonna listen to it. But no, it's, you're never independent.

That's the thing I've learned about this business. You can try to be independent, but at the, you know, at the 11th hour, you end up having to go into business with people. Yeah, yeah, I tried. I tried to hold out for a while. I was like, I don't need anybody. Are you getting a special out?

I did one on YouTube two years ago. But I'm saying, but you're like, I don't need a manager. I don't need a fucking agent. I'll book these clubs myself, and I can do it twice. I need all this stuff. No, agents, I love agents. I mean, my agent gets me work, collects the money, sets up my hotel for 10%, no problem.

Oh, so you're like an agent manager, basically. I get rid of the manager. You did. Yeah, agent does everything. You don't need the 40,000 foot view all the time? Yeah, right, right, right. Yeah, here's what we're thinking. Really, what were you thinking?

Because I was in a hotel room in Michigan. I did a lot more thinking about me than you did. You thought about me as your receptionist said that I just called. You always hear them tapping on the keyboard while you're talking because they have notes. And they look up what you said last time so they can go, yeah, I followed up on so and so.

I haven't heard back. Haven't you? Really? I have a feeling that is the ultimate game where they just grab a bunch of dudes, they just blow up, you just blow your ego up. They're like, bro, you are about to blow, man. You have like 20 people in your stable and you're like, one of these dumbasses will hit it.

Just cash in on them. So you have no agent, no manager? I have both. I have agent and manager. Oh, you do? Where are they located? New York. New York and I think LA. I think LA! Well some of them are in LA. Everyone is all over the place now. But they are mostly New York, LA.

I think for the most part. They are not taking a piece of the podcast are they? No I don't think they are. I think they want it. That is the last stand. Podcasts. Still the wild west.'s has to be an island Because what do you got you got? What's your name again?

You got Andrew tar and it's all you need he records it you upload it and it's done Yeah, you know it's me. I feel my family business is demolition and In order to work they have to like lug heavy machines Yeah, just to like make some like get some like copper and you know, and it's like I seen a microphone. It's it fucking computer Yeah, it's pretty feel bad. All my family does construction like landscaping all that stuff. Now my grandfather's name was Florence McCarthy He was from Ireland And so he raised my mom in the Bronx and then my father who also grew up in the Bronx, and then my father, who also grew up in the Bronx, comes over and my grandfather worked for Con Edison, the electric company, and like on the poles,

you know, winter time in New York, pulling wires. And so my dad was in radio. This is the family business for me. Like I grew up with my dad, he was one of the biggest guys in New York in radio. That's awesome. And so he comes over to the house and he meets, he's dating my mom and he's meeting Florence for the first time. And he's already working in radio,

he's making a living in radio. So he comes in and my grandfather says, well, what do you do for a living? And my father goes, well, I'm a radio broadcaster. And he goes, oh, that sounds fine. He goes, and what kind of hours are those? And my father goes, I work from noon to 4 p.m. And my grandfather thinks for a second and he goes, well, you may come home hungry, but you'll never come home tired. And they became like best friends. Yeah. Sorry, fake laugh. I don't get it. Well just it like he's so used to coming home tired from work

Oh, okay, my father's working four hours sitting behind. I don't come home hungry for lunch. I'm sorry. Yeah, I didn't get it I panicked I think left now. Thanks for nobody admits that I felt dirty. I was like I'm a terrible liar So good for you halfway through I was like I think there't get it. I'm a terrible liar. Good for you. Halfway through I was like, ugh. I think it was 10% of me that wasn't buying the laugh. I think so. It was a bad fake laugh. Well, because I think I've genuinely made you laugh a few times.

And so I sensed the difference. That was a fake laugh. It was like I was already sold. And as soon as you did the thing, I was like, hilarious. And I was like, wait a second. Well, it was a solid setup. I got characters, I did an hilarious and I was like wait a second well it was a solid setup I got your characters I did an accent I was I was I was all bought in yeah just like that as as I was laughing I was like wait a second

I don't know yeah right yeah my mom's dad was from Ireland and he used to do like weird shit when they would buy cars he would like jump he would stand on the bumper just like jump up and down really yeah he was what was his name Cornelius Cairney Cornelius Cairney. Cornelius Cairney. What county was he from? Cork, I think. It was like Cork or Killarney, one of those.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We had some people from Cork. Yeah. Blarney. Yep. Yeah. Down there at the bottom. That's South Ireland, right?

Southern? No, Cork is, that's like Cork City, Blarney. Okay. It's a suburb of Cork City, which is a great fucking city, man. Spent a lot of time there. When I was 14, I was kind of like too young. I was just there walking around like whatever.

Yeah. We just went last summer. Did you really? Yeah. I took my whole family. I've been there like five times, but I took my kids for the first time and they... I'm going to tell you something. My kids really feel their roots.

We all got the same tattoo when my daughter turned 18. She always wanted a tattoo. And so I said, all right, let's all get the same tattoo when we turn 18. And so, I don't know, but they've always felt, like St. Patrick's Day, I play a lot of Irish music and St. Patrick's Day is a big day. And my mom has gotten them very into the church

and Irishness. And so we went over there and like they felt it in their bones They just got there and they're like oh my god like this is where we're from you know Yeah, it's pretty cool man I was to my mom was way more into it cuz her parents were like right from Ireland and my dad's Irish, too But he's always like I'm not fucking Irish dude. Oh, yeah, he'd be like he's a fucking guy He's like I'm English and I'm you don't you tell us he was a Jew. He's just like I'm a Jew He's looking fuck with my mom. He's like I'm gonna fuck about Ireland He's like fuck Ireland his old face family was from Ireland, but he was like Scottish Irish

But you went to Catholic Church just with your mom then you can't come no he would come Oh his whole when I asked him about, my mom was really the driving force with the Catholic church. Yeah. My dad would go and I'm like, well you don't even care. He's like, look man, when you get a fucking tumor on your face,

you're gonna wanna go to church. I was like, all right, right on. So it's just an insurance policy. Kind of, yeah. Or I think he was just like, yeah man, it's good to go, you gotta go. It is good to go. I know, I wanna go back.

I haven't gone in forever. I gotta convince my wife to go to, we're at like a religious war right now. She wants us to go to Baptist. I would like to go to Catholic Mass, but I get it if you're not used to it. No, it's a lot to take on. You kinda look back and you're like, sorry.

Yeah, it's intense. It's much weird, hold on. Yeah, yeah. It's like in Taxi Driver when Robert De Niro takes, what's her name, to a porn movie. She thinks they're going to a movie on a date. You ever see Taxi Driver when Robert De Niro takes, what's her name, to a porn movie. She thinks they're going to a movie on a date. You ever see Taxi Driver? I did, but it was so, I saw so many movies

while I was so high when I was younger. He was dating, it was a Candace Bergen, it was a really famous, beautiful actress, and she's very kind of prim and proper, and he asked her out on a date, and she's like, yes, and then he brings her to a movie, and they walk into a porn movie in Times Square. That's what it's like bringing yes, and then he brings her to a movie and they walk into a fucking porn movie in Times Square. That's what it's like bringing somebody to a Catholic.

It's just like, what's going on here? Exactly, and then you're getting up and you're like, and I get all nervous, I'm like, get your ass off the pew. I'm like, stop, get it off, dude. My mom's gonna fucking spaz. Yeah, I know. It's so much pressure to behave a certain way.

That's the thing I don't miss about it. But we went to church in Ireland. I took my mom, whenever I'm with my mom, I take her to church. Yeah, my mom loves church, dude. So we went to this cathedral, we were in Galway, and there's this huge, beautiful cathedral downtown. And it's like, I think the fifth largest cathedral

in Europe. And so we go to the mass, and we go to like the 10 a.m. mass on Sunday. This is like, this is the mass. This is the headliner mass. 10 a.m. is the spot, yeah, 10 a.m. is the Sunday. This is like, this is the mass. This is the headliner mass. Yeah, 10 a.m. is the big one. And we walk in, I'm telling you man, the Irish have given up.

They got, the molestation thing was way worse over there. The church was like a quarter full. And it was all like immigrants, it was all like Filipino Catholics and stuff. And then the altar boys come in and these dudes were like rugby players. They were like 17, six foot three. It's like, yeah, no one's sending their scrawny little kid

to be an altar boy anywhere. These guys can fight back. Yeah, man. Yeah. Damn, they are just like big strapping. Yeah. Yeah, they got, yeah, they did get crushed over there. I forgot about that.

They got hit like harder. Worse than us, crushed over there. I forgot about that. They got hit harder. Worse than us, yeah. Beesh, that's terrible. Because it's the whole country, obviously the North is not, but the Republic of Ireland, everybody's Catholic, so there's that much more reverence and not talking out of school about it,

keeping it secret, protecting the priests. Yeah, that was a wild one. Yeah. I thought about that last night. You think they were like, because they let a lot of those guys, they shuffled them around. So it was like, I'm like, maybe they just forgave them.

But I was like, that's kind of a rugged call. What do you mean, the church elders? Yeah, so if you're a pope, you can't like condemn, I mean, technically you can condemn pedophiles. I don't like that. Yeah. Like, he should have punished them, but that would have gone against his Christlike ways.

Well, it seems like Francis, he's made a lot more steps towards it, but the previous pope, what was that guy's name? Francis, probably? Francis Five? No, Francis is the new one. Aren't they all named Francis? Like Francis or John Paul?

No, the last guy, he was Cardinal Benedict or something. Whatever this, he really covered up. I mean, he actually had to step down because, because of it why that's crazy. Yeah Look at Look at the speed of this who is the last Pope? True. Yeah, I don't know That is a rough one. Here's the I was like why is there's no mention of pedophiles in the Bible that could have cleared it Up right away. Yeah, it's like and then Jesus met a pedophile and was like, get the fuck out of here.

So that would have been helpful, because there's no real, what does the church father do if you're answering to just a spiritual authority? Well, there was also like, who knows what was considered underage back then? You look at the Greeks and what they were doing with boys, it was considered like a right,

it was your right as a man, especially if you're a Senator. To have a boy. To have boys, yeah. They had pages and they were there for whatever. Yeah, true. Yeah. Yeah.

I've never been into it. Personally, having boys? Nah, I don't know, I'm just not into it. I wouldn't wanna fuck the boys, but I would like to show up to a high power social function with a bunch of boys. Let people think. Like, I have a bunch of boys.

I wouldn't touch them. I would treat them well, but I would let people think, I have a bunch of boys. I wouldn't touch them. I would treat them well, but I would let people think, like, they're my boys. And you want them all to look a little scared. Stay real close to me and look scared. Call her name. Yeah, Benedict the sixth. Now look at that, I believe he had to step down.

Yeah, why did the last pope resign? See that down below? Oh man. Yeah. There's something terrible too about wearing the outfit with the high hat when you're sitting in like a giant chair And so they're molesting all the kids. You're like I feel so silly in all this clothes. I know This whole house of cards is about to crumble. Yeah, no one's gonna give their five bucks to us anymore. We're fucked

Yeah, I mean they're they're not broke because oh, you know over the years the the church has amassed really the best real estate in the world. They're the biggest landowner on earth. I thought they're gonna go out of business. My friend was like, no, they're not, dude. They've done this. They can do a hundred year cycle of nobody coming. They're fine.

They've got the artwork at the Vatican alone. 60 minutes to this piece about the artwork in the Vatican. They have catacombs down there that go on forever and it's got like da Vinci's and Picasso's and Rembrandt's and yeah they've got all the incredible art. What like people donate them to the church or you think that was like old school concord? Holocaust. What? No I don't know. They have Jewish gold. Fire sale. I mean, hey, they fenced all the Jewish gold in the Valley Church, yeah. Damn, dude.

Yeah, that's fucked up. I'm glad, well, anyway, you're talking about going to church and how wonderful the cathedral was before we talked about child molestation. Well, it was wonderful. And then there's always the question of whether or not to take communion. Do you take communion when you go?

Because you're supposed to have confessed recently in order to be eligible to take the Eucharist into your body. If you sit it out, everyone assumes you have mortal sin on your soul. That's right. So it's like, I'm not trying to, you know. So you eat.

I would eat it. I actually, you know what's fucked up? This is actually really, this is an unfortunate thing. I have a gluten allergy. So I actually can't technically eat the Eucharist. The body of Christ is not gluten free. Well, I'm not cannibal, so I don't eat the body of Christ because it's...

Drink the blood? I drink his blood though. Nice. That's awesome. So I actually fake take it. Well, I mean, again, your wife, okay honey. I hand it to her, I give it to her. My wife eats it, I go here, eat this.

Oh really? Eat that, babe. Hilarious. I've eaten a ton of this stuff, go ahead. My wife eats it, I go here, eat this. Oh really? Eat that babe. Hilarious. I've eaten a ton of this stuff. Think of that, she grew up going to a church where it's all metaphor, you know, there's, and then you take her in and you go, no, this is real, this is Jesus' body and blood.

Yeah. Eat it. Eat it now. Wow. He's right there on that cross, brutally murdered. Damn. It is good though, man. People need a suffering-based philosophy.

They're not popular anymore. I'm just being like, no, your life's gonna suck, dude. It's gonna be fucking brutal. Yeah. And you should, that's where you'll find your biggest center of meaning. Not like, you know, like, did you ever get into like the happiness science?

There's like scientists now trying to figure out how- Yeah, that guy teaches that class at Harvard. Dude, it's the most depressing shit to watch. Did you try to practice gratitude in journal for five minutes? That'll make you happy. It's like, dude, I'm gonna kill myself. I agree a thousand percent.

I mean, I'll say this, like therapy helped me a lot in my life. I really did learn, cause I have depression and I really learned a lot of coping skills. Like I do work out for my brain. I meditate. I try to, I do try to have gratitude. That does help a lot of coping skills. Like I do work out for my brain. I meditate. I try to, I do try to have gratitude.

That does help a lot. I don't sit down and journal about it, but I try to stop when I, you know, like with the special coming out, like I really did take a couple minutes today and take it in. Like I almost cried. I was like, this is really intense, you know?

But no, I think that trying to be happy, no. Exactly. No. I'm not against it either. I like therapy. I did the same thing. It's good to have an outside perspective. Yeah.

I don't like the sanitized approach to where it's like, no, no, no, no. We can figure this out scientifically. It's like, dude, no, you can't. They tried to figure out comedy scientifically. I was just reading this article in the New Yorker about it. And it was a British Institute. So right out of the gate, like, all right, it's gonna be awful. They had like 40,000 British people submit

and then vote on jokes to see what was the best joke. And actually the best joke wasn't bad. It was, guy goes to the doctor's office. Dr. Chexmey goes, it's not good. He goes, well, how bad is it? He goes, you don't have a lot of time left. And the guy goes, well, how much time do I have? And the doctor goes 10.

And the guy goes 10 months, 10 weeks. And the doctor goes 10, nine, eight. That's not bad. So that was the best one.. So that was the best one. Yeah, that was the best one. So they just street jokes, basically? Street jokes, old jokes, jokes from people stand up routines.

So went in there. Damn. And that beat everyone stand up. Might have been my delivery. No, I get the joke. I mean, you didn't get the Florence joke before, so now I don't have a lot of faith in you. Dude, I was like, if I don't get this one,

I'm gonna be fucking, no, I better understand. The number one joke of all time and you don't get it. Yeah, that's a, what were their findings though? Cause they have to be like X, Y, what are the variables? Well, you know, they always break it down in this 12 different structures. You know, there's the reverse, there's the irony, there's the whatever. And it's just like, it really, what do they say?

The frog dies in a just dissecting table or something like that. You just can't pull it apart. It doesn't make sense. And that's why AI is doing everything, dude. I mean, it's doing fucking heart surgery while the doctors stand there and watch, basically, at this point.

Really? Basically, yeah. Are you worried about AI writing? No, but not comedy. I've yet to see AI write comedy that makes sense because there's something about it that's ephemeral. There's something that is so cultural and so human. It's poking at your humanity

and what your sense of what's appropriate, you know what I mean? And that's moving, that's a moving target. That's always, depending on the room, depending on who you're with. Dude, I totally agree. I don't know why people are freaking out about AI with writing.

I'm like, dude, if AI's taking out your writing, it's like, you might have to be, you know, taken into the harvester. Because it's like, it's, I've tried AI jokes to see what they were like, and they're so bad. Well, the jokes are, I mean, I could see like a Marvel franchise movie getting written easily. He might as well, he might as well.

And then you can just tweak it and be like, oh, this guy, this guy. You get two guys to tweak it. Yeah, Red Spand can just tweak it big. Oh, yeah this guy you guys to tweak it Yeah, Fred spandex. All right. There you go. Yeah, but yeah, I think it'll what'll happen is Everything will be the same basically. It'll just put a bunch which a lot of popular stuff is very similar anyway Mm-hmm, so it'll be like shitty Popular like you're like, you know sitcom II time slot TV will just be like a just pretty smart Yeah, but I think if you're actually writing stuff,

I think it's pretty easy to beat AI. I mean, having kids, and you'll deal with it, how old are your kids now? Two and four. Two and four, I mean, my kids are 20 and 23, 21 and 23. And they're going into the workforce and they're having a really hard time looking at, you send your resume into the abyss.

You get on these job sites and you send in hundreds of resumes, they don't even reply. If you get like a couple people replying. So the only way to get a job is by knowing somebody. And unfortunately it's me, so I got like four contacts in the entertainment business. And so you have to chart your own path and you have to do something like what you're doing.

You have to start your own business essentially. And I keep thinking like, my daughter's actually interning at the podcast studio. Really? That I work at, yeah. That's, I heard they're, I don't know if it's the same one, but there's one from LA that's coming here

and opening up to- No, mine is just mine. Oh, at your podcast studio. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought you meant like the LA one, but there's one from LA that's coming here and opening up to it. No, mine is just mine. Oh, at your podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought you meant like the LA podcast. But she's learning the skills. She's learning about all the stuff that this gentleman right here is doing.

Dude, yeah, my little cousin just got, he submitted like 50 applications. It's like crazy. It's brutal. It's brutal. And the thing is, unemployment's like less than 4%, but it's like, yeah, they're all shit jobs. They're all waiting tables. Yeah, that's brutal. It's brutal. And the thing is, unemployment's like less than 4%, but it's like, yeah, they're all shit jobs. They're all waiting tables.

Yeah, that's true. There's not a lot of... I mean, I had a friend who was a copywriter in an ad agency, and it was a big agency. It had 15 copywriters. AI came in, they got three now. Yeah, that you could do all day long. I knew of somebody who was doing articles

for an online blog thing, and they didn't really get hip to the AI thing. It was a couple years ago. He said he would just show up, hit a couple prompts, give them, they would feed him four 750 word articles. He would just tweak them and be like, you can just hold them,

like, all right, here you go. Just kind of scatter them throughout the week. And he's like, dude, I just chilled. It's like, mine would work for 15 minutes a week. Do you think about college students? Do you think any of them are writing an essay ever again? Never. There's no way you could.

Yeah. Yeah, I've heard that's actually, even like, I remember I had a thing that could do bibliographies, which were always annoying as fuck. But I'm already had a program that could do those. Yeah, now you can just completely AI a paper. And it's not just, I don't know, it's not just about being able to formulate a thesis and support it and have transitions and a conclusion.

It's not all that. It's about, it's fucking nine o'clock on a Sunday night and it's due tomorrow and your friends are going to the bar and you're like, hey, I can kind of mail this in. But there's that part of you that has to dig in and face it and push through it and finish. Like that's the thing that they're missing now in life is they don't have that drive.

Like I see with my kids, like my son is like, he's a smart kid, he's charming as hell, but he's gone through an education system that hasn't forced him to really handle his business. It's just, he's smart enough that it was just easy. I can't stand the school system. Cause it's like, trying to memorize information's worthless. Yeah.

Like completing just rote tasks. It should really be like, we have the ability now to hone in on a person, be like what are your inherent talents and interests? And then really try to amplify those, at least a little bit, to where it's not like, like I went to school for business, I didn't give a fuck about business.

It's just like, you know in Catholic school it's just like memorize the capitals and it was just a complete waste of time. But there is a thing to it of like, can you sit in a classroom and not completely disrupt it? Exactly. You do learn that, you learn the social skills and all that shit. Yeah you learn deadlines and you learn basic things. That's true. Attendance and

and there's consequences like if you fuck up it's like dude this is happening now so I get that that is all good but I think they lack the like the spunk till I get out there and take stuff on. I think part of it is they're coming into a world of despair. You know, you've got, you just saw a worldwide pandemic. You just saw, you know, the environmental stuff in the news, you see the partisanship in this country and the forecasting of the overthrow of Demol.

Like it's a lot. These kids are fresh school shootings. And then on top of that, I'm leaving out number one, which is the fact that they've got a device in their hand that is dripping endorphins. Like little, like constant, you know, like it's a fulfillment that's empty, but they're addicted to it. Yeah, and it's also, it gives you socially,

it gives kids a like genuine, like a quantitative number in terms of how popular, before it was kind of like an abstract idea, like am I cool? Now it's like, here's your numbers, no. Yeah, right. You're not. And that's gotta be fucked up, man. Especially for like a young girl, and you're like,

oh god, girls are so much harder. You do the data's on, you have like the spreadsheet on like photos, and you're like, yeah, hers is better than mine. Like there's numbers to back it up and it's like. You had to only imagine that when you were young. Exactly. Now they can see it.

Yeah. Yeah. That's brutal. It's fucking terrible. Now when it does hit girl, I mean, I have a son and a daughter and I saw it hit my daughter way harder than my son, you know. It's gotta be heart wrenching. It is heart wrenching and there's nothing you can do about it.

You know, you can, because kids at a certain point point like you can tell them you love them all you want They don't hear it. They want to hear it from their friends. Yeah Do you ever think about setting up like a fake Instagram and going under her pictures? They know you're actually a piece of shit fuck you nobody likes you Say tell them that you love oh no no no I'm saying like the babe They're in the comments getting shitted on It's like you're actually a piece of shit. I saw your profile. Yeah, you're a fucking loser. Yeah, right Yeah, you could do well now that would be weird if you catfished your daughter. Yeah, I love you

Yeah, that would be weird cuz you'd have to yeah, that's a good script That's a good first act of a script right there I love that and then the daughter thinks that the father is like a perv and you get dark with it. You could get very, yeah. Are you writing on tires? No, I'm not writing on there. Dude, that show's so fucking good.

Very good, I'm excited for season two. I mean, what do they spend, eight bucks an episode? It's so simple, they're just in a garage. They filmed the first season, I think, in like 14 days. Really? Yeah, they filmed it really fast. It just goes to show. It's like all in the family or something.

Like you don't need, it's just a play. You don't need so much stuff, yeah. It's a fucking play. Yeah, they did it. I mean, they're very good at that. I don't know how you do it. That's too many people, man. They organized that many people.

They did it. Like they were, I was there on the set and it's like, it's just just like it's like 75 fucking people Yeah, every second there. It's like eight people on laptops. Just sitting there doing god knows what and it's like It's a that is for real like it. I was blown away. I knew it would be good I watch it. I'm like, dude, this is fantastic and it moves really quick It's very fluid and easy to watch but I'm excited for season two Was it the same crew that would make the videos that you guys did? Yeah, it was all, it was Shane and John McKeever.

So it was already like a moving. Steve Gerben and Chris O'Connor. Right, right. It was already, they had the thing going and they just shifted it to a pilot. Yeah, well I think that's gonna be the new business model. I mean, Always Sunny actually started like that. They did like a dressed down version of it on the internet

and then it got picked up as a show. Yeah, you just need like, there is a, because with filming, even animation, you kind of, if you wanna really do it, you do need like a million dollars, I think, at least. What do you mean, an episode? No, for like to do the whole thing. If you wanna do it super low budget,

it's still a lot of money. So it's still tough, but it can be done. Dude, I've written on shows that were, I wrote on Crashing, it was like a million and a half dollars an episode. Really? Yeah. God damn, how do they even make the money back for that?

I mean, HBO spent, HBO wants their shows to look good. Yeah, yeah, true. You know, they want them shot on film, like we shot on film, which is way more expensive. Did you really? Yeah. Does that make a big difference? Well, it was Judd Apatow, and he just always felt like

there was like an emotion that you get with the softness of the color, the richness of the color. And he also kind of liked directing with film because it's not infinite. It's like we can get three takes in before we got to change reels on the cameras. That's kind of nice, yeah. Yeah, there was something, and then, you know,

and so, I don't know, there's something about the rhythm of shooting on film that really works, and it does look different, it feels different. Yeah, and you gotta physically edit it, don't you? You have to like cut it and... No, I think they just... Upload it on an auto computer. Yeah, yeah.

They make it digital, they edit it, and then they put it back on, I think. They're trying to just get it back again. I don't know. That's what I was surprised about. Damn, they're like chopping fucking film and editing. That's crazy. Yeah, dude.

Yeah, do you act at all? Yeah. You weren't you in the Louis Show? Yeah. Okay, how do you like acting? Well, I went to acting school for two years at the neighborhood playhouse, which is where Brando and James Dean like-

So after you're a gymnast, you went to acting school. After I was a gymnast, I went into acting school. Like, oh, my friends are gay, which is where Brando and James Dean. So after you're a gymnast, you went to acting school. Oh, my friends are gay, this is crazy. Yeah. How old were you when you went to acting school? I wore a shirt with birds on it. Your dick's out the hole. I finished college, I went to college in Boston.

Okay. And then I started doing standup there. Right. And then my dad died, so I moved back to New York and I went to acting school for two years because my family's all back in New York. And I did standup at night while I went to acting school. And then I was like, all right, I'm gonna go to LA

and get some acting work. And it didn't really happen. I had a good agent and I went out for a lot of auditions. Shitty auditioner. I truly believe I'm a good actor. Anytime I get acting roles, I feel I truly believe I'm a good actor. Like anytime I get acting roles, I feel really comfortable and I get really good feedback, but I'm not good at going into the room.

I don't know what it is. It's just... I feel like if you're doing standup, it almost sets your brain up to be able to not do that. Maybe. In some way. Cause if you can just sit in an empty room with two people and be like, whoa, whoa, whoa,

it's like the, cause I can stand up your reading so intensely. Yeah. You know, I think it'd like the, because I can stand up, you're reading so intensely. Yeah. You know, I think it'd be hard to do. I don't know what it was. I mean, some comics can do it, but a lot of comics can't because I think we're so in control when we do our own words and we have to do somebody else's words.

They're always adjusting you, and a lot of times we can't take the adjustments. Yeah, that makes sense. It's just awkward too, to sit there and read a thing and be like, I don't know. When every time I've tried acting things, it's like excruciating. Yeah.

Because you don't get feedback. I mean, you will, if you do really well, people will laugh and clap. Yeah. I was like, there's no feedback, and then you're like, oh, actually there is. Yeah. I'm not getting it. But it's one of those things where it's like,

they're like, all right, cool. And you're like, that's it? Yeah. Can we do it again? No, all right, cool. And you're like, that's it? Can we do it again? No, we gotta move on. And you're like, it's very hard. I remember once I had an audition and I was really psyched about it. It was a role that I was like, all right, this is me.

This guy's dry, sarcastic. And so I go in and I do the audition. It was almost like I wanted so much that I fucked up. I get in the car and I do the audition. It was almost like I wanted so much that I fucked up. Yeah. I get in the car and I'm driving and I'm punching the steering wheel. Cause I also, I live in Venice. I'm driving out to fucking Burbank at rush hour. Yeah, fuck.

And I hired it. I used to hire an acting coach before auditions, big ones. I've thought about doing that myself, yeah. And so I'm punching the wheel and I go, no, fuck this. And I turn the car around, I drive back, and I wait for the casting director, and the door opens and I walk into the room, and they're sitting there and I go, hey listen,

I know this is crazy, but I really, I know I can do this a lot better. And they were like, we're good. Oh! And then I drove home feeling twice as bad. I thought you were gonna tell me me the ultimate Hollywood vengeance story. That's... And they were like, yeah, get the fuck out of here.

It was that bad. This is my moment. They were like, yeah, actually, no. Please get the fuck out. It wasn't even in the ballpark. Oh, they wouldn't even respect the fucking comeback? I mean, like, guys, I know this is my... I am this character.

But then when I get roles, like, you know, I was on Lucky Louie a few times. I was on Crashing a few times. I did Santa Clarita Diet, I just did a movie with Doug Stanhope last year called The Road Dog that he's amazing in. He can act. He won a couple of awards at some film festivals. Yeah.

That's kind of sick. Yeah, yeah, I know. So, but that, I think that role was really written for him. I think the key is if you can write a role for an actor the right way, then they can really shine. Yeah, if it's not too much of a stretch. Yeah. That makes sense.

Right. Yeah, I tried student films. I like tried to get into acting like years ago. I was like, I might be good at it, I don't know. I did student films and they're like the worst fucking scripts. So you're showing them, I'm like shitting on them. They just were like, I was playing like this criminal guy and like I'm like arguing with like my

Prostitute II kind of girlfriend lady and being like yo remember the one line was like give me my space Like I was like dude. You would never say that I'm like a drug-dealing gun toting my maniac Yeah, I look to set my boundaries right now. Yeah, then you're like hey, and they're like don't adjust the script I'm like brothers gonna stink. Yeah, you do it. You're like, please delete this Space I'm gonna let you on this is gonna stink. Yeah. You do it, you're like, just please delete this forever. Give me my space or I'm gonna light you on fire. Give me my space, babe. Yeah, that is tough, man. Yeah. So, you know, I'll let you at it.

What time, what's your timeframe? I got a flight. What time, my flight is at six. Flight's today? Yeah, at six. I'm going to Denver tonight. Oh, nice. Doing the Denver Comedy Works this weekend. When does this come out?

That place is the fucking best. Tomorrow. Put it out tomorrow. Denver Comedy Works. Can I plug some dates? Plug them, please. Dude, I got Denver Comedy Works, and then I'm going to Tacoma and Tulsa, Chicago, San Francisco, a bunch of other dates.

FitsDog.com is the website. And then I've got a podcast called Fits Dog Radio. It's awesome. Sunday Papers is the other one. That's such a good fucking name, dude. I saw that, I was like, fuck. Which one? Fits Dog Radio.

Oh yeah. So good, dude. Yeah, dude, 14 years I've been doing that. Did you really? Yeah, 14 years. God damn, it's in your blood. Jesus. I asked Shane to do it one time.

We were at the Hollywood Improv and I was like, hey man, and like we didn't know each other that well, but like, you know, we kind of knew of each other. And I was like, hey, you're in town. I go, I was like, hey, you want to do my podcast? And he was like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. But his voice went up a couple octaves. So like the next day I texted him, I was like,

hey, you don't have to do it. And he's like, oh good, he goes no, I don't want to do it. It's such a big ask, you know? Yeah. I like podcasting. Some people don't like it. Some people are like, they genuinely dislike podcasting. Yeah.

I enjoy it. I kind of- I love it. That's why for me, it's like, I like standup, but like not having to go anywhere is like so sweet. Like even like I'm flying to Denver tonight because my show isn't till tomorrow night But I have the morning radio lined up for me some comics complain about doing morning radio. I fucking love it

I like going in talking to the local DJs Well what happened to us Louie had that bit in a show where the guys were like Like I think it got every single comic was like yeah I fucking hate morning radio to because I did the same thing that I did it I'm like that's really fun. Well the good clubs know not to send you into those shows. Yeah. You know, that's old school where they would come in and you know, it'd be the commercial break

and they'd be like, all right, give us three topics he can bring up. Like I'm gonna do my act at 7 a.m. on AM radio. No, I've only, I haven't had much experience with it. I did it last time I was, I don't know where I was, but I did the more I was in Orlando. Yeah. I got a blast. I went around all day to like two different places and I had, for real, I don't know where I was, but I was in Orlando. I got a blast. I went around all day to two different places

and I had, for real, I had a good time. Well, dude, you know my favorite morning radio guys are Preston and Steve and Philly. Really? Those guys are amazing. I got beef with Preston, dude. No. Yeah, I mean, it's not a real thing.

It was just, he was dating our girls' volleyball coach when we were in grade school. So we were all at, I was at his house, basically with the girls' volleyball team, my friends, and he was like you guys got a role, and I was like fuck this guy I still hold that down, and we stole all this candy from his house. We took like how old were you? Now I know you're Irish no, I don't I don't generally have hard feelings years. I'd always be like fuck that House yeah bullshit, but now he's apparently fine guy those guys one time No, I don't I don't generally have hard feelings years. I'd always be like fuck that guy kicked me out of his house Yeah bullshit, but now he's apparently fine guy those guys one time they brought me in and I had mentioned

What time they were like we were talking about foot fetishes and I was like I like feet like I'm not a foot fetish guy But like I like a nice pair of feet sure, you know girl and some flip-flops And she's got some like the like the rounded toes, not like, there's not like that second one sticking out longer. That's what I got, yeah. That's a Celtic feet by the way. Yeah. Yeah. The pinky with like the no nails, got like a slit, she's trying to paint it.

It's like, come on. And so I, so we're talking about that. And so the next time I came in, they said, we know you like feet, so we brought in this Filipino masseuse, she's gonna walk on your back barefoot. And I'm like, and so I turn around and she walks in, she's about a buck 80, and she takes her shoes off and she's walking on my back and I'm like,

God damn it, and then they're laughing their asses off and they go, dude, she's not a masseuse. She works downstairs at the coffee shop. Damn, I didn't know they were going that wild on that show, that's hilarious. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they used to do stunts like. God damn it, actually, did it feel all right though? No, it was awful.

It hurt really bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't think we're awful. And then John DiBello I always love in Philly too. He's a good dude. Remember John DiBello and then there was Pierre Robert, who was the big rock guy. Yeah, right, right. Yeah.

My father was in radio and he started in, well, first Youngstown, Ohio and then he was in Philly. Damn, Bone Thugs is from Youngstown, Ohio. That's crazy. Oh yeah? Bone Thugs and Army, yeah. Yeah, I wonder if we knew each other. So he was using radio in Philly?

Yeah. Nice. I mean, I was little, I don't remember. I was only like seven. That's pretty cool. Yeah. Well, hell yeah. Dude, thank you for coming and. Yeah, nice. I mean I was I was little I don't remember I was like seven. That's pretty cool Yeah, well, yeah, dude. Thank you for coming and doing this man. I want to miss you. I can uh, well Yeah, I can drive you to if you need a ride. No, no, I'm good. They got a limo coming to the hotel I did Rogan and they treat you Everything is like limos and that's saying it like the best hotel in town. That's awesome. Yeah

Does rule man the that is a in town. That's awesome. Yeah, it's nice. Yeah, his club does rule, man. That is a lot of fun. The mothership? Yeah. Yeah. Being able to go there. Yeah. Any night and it's sold out, you're like, well, nice. I know, I'm headlining there.

Oh, I forgot to mention that. I'm headlining there in two weeks and it's sold out. I haven't tweeted about it. I haven't done anything. I know, I know. I'm like, yeah, sold it out again. God damn, dude, I must be a fucking phenom. I know.

Yeah. And the crowds are jacked. They're so into it. Yeah. Yeah, and the comics were always a good hang. The green room is pretty legendary. Yeah, it's pretty sick. Yeah.

Dude, thanks again for doing this. All right, my pleasure. You're the motherfucking man. All right, thanks, buddy. Special rules, appreciate it. That's really nice to hear. Thank you. Thank you, man. Appreciate it.