Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 521 - Time Under Tension (feat. Chris Distefano)

Episode Date: October 10, 2024

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Support Chrissy @ https://www.patreon.com/chrisdcomedy Go See Him Live @ https://www.chrisdcomedy.com/ Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Get Merch @ mssecretpodcast.com/merch Yo0oo0o0o. how are you doing!?! Hope you're all having a great week. Got a good D.A.W.G. on the cast today. While SG's filming Matthew held it down with the honorable bro - Chrissy D. Two heads of the household having a stimulating conversation. Scorchin hot cast, but what did you expect. Please enjoy. God Bless. Support the show & get Lucy Breakers for 20% off & free shipping at https://www.lucy.co promo code DRENCHED Upgrade your wardrobe and get up to 25% OFF @trueclassic at https://trueclassictees.com/DRENCHED! #trueclassicpod Download the PrizePicks app or visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/DRENCHED today and use code Drenched for a first deposit match up to $50

You're gonna watch the game though today, right? You don't even give a fuck. You're not like glued to it at all. Not at all. Interesting. Are you Eagles or any sports? I like the Eagles too. I don't care about sports. My dad never watched sports growing up so I never... Interesting. Shane is a maniac with sports, right? Love sports. Yeah. I've literally tried for like conversation's sake to like get into it and I just... man I don't give a fuck.

It would take hours to like... Right. It's so much and I've tried doing like I'll watch like the clips and highlights and still. Yeah. I don't care. Yeah, I don't know. I guess I love sports, but I don't like UFC or the cars. I don't know anything about that.

So like in some ways I'm a guy, in some ways I'm a woman. Yeah, I'm a total woman. I'm a total woman. Let me start it. Oh yeah? Beautiful. Yeah, I'm a total woman. I'm a total woman. Let me start it. Oh yeah? Beautiful. Yeah, I'm an absolute total woman when it comes to sports. Yeah, I don't know. I wish like, cause you know, I feel like, you know,

like my dad. Oh, Chris DeStefano, by the way, sorry. Chris DeStefano, welcome to the mother fucker. What's up baby, I'm here. By the way, I'm here with, hungover with no hair product and so if anyone's gonna talk shit about my hair, you go fuck yourself. I'm growing it out

Scumbags because I know what your fans are gonna say they're gonna say anything They're not gonna tell about your hair. They're gonna say they're gonna come on here. Your fans are gonna say How could he be so disrespectfully comes on no hair product in a czar a t-shirt? What kind of goddess he think he is and I just want to say, you know what guys don't give a fuck There you go. I had the president also. Thank you for coming early in the morning, bro I'm here, but we're dads not a lot of comics exists before noon, bro. We're up bro. We're up. We're hanging out I mean like up I got it. You know I'm on New York time my kids get up at you know What are we an hour behind here? Yeah, so I'm up facetiming with the kids at 6 a.m. Getting yelled at by them their mother, so I'm I was up ready to go road facetimes

Oh, dude, It's tough. You cry on FaceTime, your wife's like, I need to go, and you're like. I know. Yeah, I hope you're having fun in your hotel room. Relaxing. You just masturbated. Yeah, I'm like, oh, god.

I know. My daughters keep calling. I'm like, I'm almost done. You have a little window. You're like, oh, what's going on? Dude, but I got to be honest with you. It's horrible here. You can't watch porn. you're like, oh, what's going on? Dude, but I gotta be honest with you, it's horrible here. You can't watch porn.

It's like blocked in Texas. So I'm like, dude, yesterday I was jerking off to old Sports Center clubs. They used to have some hotties back on old Sports Center. I've got like Linda Cohn, old Linda Cohn. You gotta get creative here. Yeah, so what do you do? Like, how do you get around it?

Dude, it's funny. I mean, this just testifies to the theory that I'm mostly woman, just erotic literature. I'll read erotic literature online. I like that. Build a picture up in my head. You can bust out the old porn sites, like XN, XX. So those aren't blocked?

They're not blocked, yeah. That's funny that the Texas doesn't even know that those exist. Just the main one, yeah. Just blocks. That's like when I grew up, my parents blocked all the music channels, but not BET, because they didn't the Texas doesn't even know that those exist just the main one Yeah, just box just the message my when I grew up my parents blocked all the music channels But not BET because they didn't know it was a thing right so I had BET yeah, right So you only music channel you could do now. I have a black wife

Do the thing they were trying to prevent they created and So but wait so did you grow up like hardcore, like rules, discipline type family? Oh yeah, big time. Like military? No, no, no. My parents had, my dad and his brothers owned a trash company. But it was still, it was like Irish Catholic, super like church every Sunday. Can't talk back.

Right. See, not heard, all that stuff. Do you do church still with your kids? No, I want to, I want to go, my wife grew up more like Baptist. Sure. So, and I grew up more like Baptist. Sure. So, and I grew up in the Catholic church. So I'm like, I told her like, pick a church. I'll go to everyone you pick.

Then I go to black church and I'm always kind of like. Yeah, it's great. It's fun, but I just feel like an interloper dude when I'm there. I feel like they can't go, I don't know. I feel like I'm kind of like a wet blanket on the party. Yeah, they're kind of like, we're accepting of you here, but we actually really don't want you here.

That's the feeling, it could just be internally. They're kind of like saying like we actually come to church because of what? Your people did to our people so now the fact that you're here It just kind of sucks for us and I get that feeling and I feel bad the whole time Yeah, and I'm like stiff because I'm holding down like Roman Catholic like Roman soldiers. That's it dude straight Yeah, head Stoic as hell and like they're having fun I'm like trying to move my just fucking petrified body and it's just uncomfortable But I told my wife I was like just pick a place. I'll go and you'll go. Yeah Why is that I always say like wrong? I'm Catholic as well. That's why we got the big triceps dude pushing down again

Pushing it down. I've been like this since I'm a kid Do you put do you put your butt on the kneeler like when you kneel down you put your butt on the no So I I that was a big rule my mother had. That was one of the most disrespectful things you could ever do in the presence of God, is put your ass on that. You gotta be full kneeled up, butt tight, wedgie in the khakis.

You gotta be straight up. And if I ever lean back and put my butt back, my mother would point at me and yell, and I would have to get up. I still get nervous. So as an adult, I'll go like with my family every now and again with my mom. And if I see like my wife hit her ass to the pew and I was like, I was like 35. Like, get the fuck off.

Yeah, what are you doing? I get nervous. I'm like, get your fucking ass off. Yeah, you can't do it. I mean, listen, there's rules in our church. My family's Puerto Rican. So they're similar. They're more not Baptist, it's like,

I think it's, is it the Church of Latter-day Saints? I don't know what kind of school, Episcopalian? I don't know, dude. It's one of those, yeah. They're always talking in Spanish. I don't know what they're saying. I just know that their kind of church, when you walk in there, you literally think you're at like a Kill Tony show. Like, you're like, there's people, the band's playing, there's like, Stubb Pub tickets, everyone's in a wheelchair. And you're just like, what is happening?

I almost feel like I need tickets to get into her church. But what I've been trying to tell my kids is, listen, this whole idea of like, if we don't, my mom had it where if you do not go to church every Sunday or Saturday, 5 o'clock mass, you're going to—you're doing bad. You're going to hell, sinning, blah, blah, blah. So I don't do that with my kids. I'm just like, look, we're going to make an attempt to go to church here every week, and if we can go, I'm like, I'm just trying to get us to a place where we're not on our devices. We're not on our phones. You're

not on your iPad. That's it. Mommy's off the spin bike. And then like, you know, we're all just, let's go to church together. And I will say that when my family's in church, like they are calmer. There are everyone like spirituality. I don't, I'm not saying whatever religion you got to be, obviously, except, you know, don't be the big one, Muslim. You know, that's true. Be careful though if you're Muslim. You can get like hyped up. You're the wrong sermon. Next thing you know, dude, you're flying on a plane. Yeah, exactly. Dude, there's no problems with being Muslim at all, but you can't, like, don't go all the way. You know what I mean? But you want to go a little bit? You want to fucking get in there, dip in, dip out?

Yeah. Beautiful, dude. What a beautiful culture. And a corrective measure for your wife. If you want to use it to like completely dom your wife, I get that. 100% dude. Have her cover up. 40 chest, dude. What a beautiful culture. And a corrective measure for your wife. If you want to use it to like completely dom your wife, I give that to you. 100% dude. Have her cover up. 40 chest, yeah. Love it. Because dude, these, but Muslim women, dude,

when they, I don't know if, I mean, you know, when they take those, that shit off, I mean, the beauty is next level, dude. They're like, they're look Latina to me. They're Latina with hummus. Yeah, true. Yeah, they're hummus Latinas. And I love them. Yeah, Latina with hummus. Yeah true. Yeah they're hummus Latinas and I love them. Yeah they're beautiful babes. Yeah dude I love babes. Austin has got so many. It's crazy. What

we've seen, what Steve, my tour manager Steve Cicconi Riceroni is here in the background and him and I have been walking around and Steve's a horny, horny guy. Steve's like a horny guy. I thought that when I met him, I was like, he's a horny ass guy. Steve's the kind of guy, he lives above his mom's garage in Long Island, Steve's a guy that he needs to fuck and he wants to jerk off and it's like, and I allow it, I'm like, do whatever you want to do.

His hair's blown in the wind in the back of his hat, this guy needs to bang. And dude, and he's actually telling me that it's hard to take for him, he's actually telling me that it's like hard to take for him. Like he's getting like, because it's so much and it gets agitating. And for me as well, it's like, you don't know what to do, what to say.

Cause a woman walks by and you're like, I know I have a family, but I'm willing to throw it away. Just to have a conversation with her. Because in the moment I'm only alive once and this is what I need to do. I'm a man. I need to do this. This is what my father wants me to do.

I have to be, I have to honor our family name. And then you're about to go walk and talk to her and then you see another one and it just keeps happening and you don't know what to do. And they're not wearing bras. No, they're not wearing bras. And the I've seen the outline of a hundred women's vaginas in this city. I've been here for two days. We, Steve and I have seen 100 pussies. Steve, I'm sorry you're suffering like that.

Obviously you're just chilling, just being like a rock. You're just being like Steve, dude. Come on, man. Steve's one of these guys, he's like very punctual, always on time for everything. The last two days, dude, he's been late, sprinting out of the hotel room, hair soaking wet, and I know he was cranking it. He was having an episode? Yeah, dude. He's been going, because this city, I mean, men and women, I mean, talk about a city like Austin. Some of the most beautiful, we went to the gym yesterday,

and we saw five of the most beautiful women we've ever seen in our entire life. I mean, jacked, ripped, tip-top shape. And the guys, like me and him, were almost like falling off the elliptical, which is like, again, we go to the women's parts of the gym, we're on the elliptical protecting our knees. You gotta protect the joints though, man.

You don't need to wear a tear. But these guys who were doing like the real guy shit, you know, ball slams and you know, all that, they're not even fazed by this because I guess it just becomes a part of what it is in the city. It's beautiful, even you, dude, you were walking, you're like all jacked up now, where when I saw you when you were living in Philly, dude,

you looked like Stephen Hawking. You were like. I was just slumped up. Dude, you were slumped up, but walking you're like all jacked up now where when I saw you when you're living in Philly Dude, you look like Stephen Hawking Slumped up dude you were slumped up, but now you're like beautiful babes get you pumped man, dude You've been lifting definitely lifting a lot. Yeah, I've been lifting a lot creating doing a little creating a little bit Yeah, a little bit right a little bit of creating did you get any like do you get any puffiness or is it just pretty much jacked? I'm pretty puffy. I'm pretty puffy. Dude. I was puffy before the creatine No, but you look but I could tell I did I did get jacked? I'm pretty puffy. I'm a pretty puffy dude. I was puffy before the creatine. No, but you look, but I could tell. I did get jacked up. I came down here, I didn't know what to do with myself.

Whenever I get nervous or overwhelmed, I just start lifting weights. Where do you lift in your house? Yeah, I have an apartment I use as an office, so I go there to write and get out of my house, and I have a gym attached to the apartment, and I just go like. By the way, that's the move,

is even if you're in a half even, you know Obviously you love your wife or a committed guy as men. We do need a separate apartment. You do I just need a separate apartment. It maybe it's my office It's just a place that I just need to go and just sit in take naps But I do need a place where I need to leave this house Yeah, cuz our jobs doesn't require us to leave you could write and do it in the house It took you the the debate it took to get it. She's like, we have an office in the house. I'm like, I need to get out of here. Every five minutes, like, the landscaper's here. I'm

like, dude, dude. I'm like, yeah. So I, I did it in Philly too. Get an apartment. It's so worth it. Everyone's gone while you're there. Everyone's at work. So it's quiet. And you actually get writing done. My, my family and my girl let me have same thing apartment. The only thing is she's got the baby cam that we used to use for our toddler. She's got it in my apartment on me at all times. It does sound like a smash bag. It does, but I'm like it's not, I swear to God I'm just trying to write, I'm just trying to write about history in there. I'm literally watching like you know documentaries on General McClellan and she thinks I'm banging women.

I'm like, I swear to God I'm watching fucking Ken Burns documentaries about the Civil War. That's all I'm doing. And it's quiet. Yeah, and you don't need, I think people take that for granted. You need some separation. Even now, I really hate being away from my kids.

I miss them so much. But when I'm away from them for a few days, I just feel like I come back and I I'm just like a recharge, better dad. I'm talking to my kids about little things I learned. Because I'm like, if you just sit in that situation, I don't know, you just start to take for granted what you have. And then when I leave, I'm like, dude,

what a fucking life I have. I have beautiful kids or whatever. I got Steve on the road getting horny. I'm like, what a life, dude. But if you just sit in your circumstances, then it starts to become, you start to normalize things, and then you start to say, you start to think what you have isn't that good when it's actually all you've ever dreamed of. Yeah, it's true, man. I saw, I was standing outside today and I saw this homeless lady just chilling outside and she was like inspecting the trash cans. And I'm like chilling there, like just watching her.

And I'm like, damn dude, this lady, and I'm like damn dude this lady no one's giving this lady a hug these are long you go up and do it thought about it I try I said I gave her a really like friendly good morning I said good morning good morning man and she's kind of like that's nice looked at me and it's cool too because I never seen like she was quiet and she was like you know looking through the trash and then I like watched her get activated we're out of nowhere she was just like I started like screaming I was like, where out of nowhere she was just like, I don't feel it! And started screaming. I was like, I've never seen, she was so chill.

And something happened where it was like boom, and it snapped and she just started yelling at somebody and just walked across the street. Yeah, the homeless here are wild. They're on some type of crank or whatever, rolling around in the streets. I've actually never seen anything like it, but I will say they're not as aggressive as the homeless.

Believe it or not, in Glasgow, Scotland, Glasgow, Scotland, dude, me and the guy I work with, James Maddern, shout out James Maddern. He's a horny dude. He's a horny dude. He's a horny dude. He's got a hairy back. He's like a horny fucking hairy back guy.

Yeah, dude, but he's a horny guy and he's got big dick. Shit. That dude, the one thing we used to call it on my old pod history, I know it's what you're on, we used to call it the glue gun. kid had a glue gun like you could see it Through his jeans, and it was like nuts really kids got an absolute piece. I've heard they're lazy lovers though big dick man I've heard are very lazy lovers. You know what it is. He doesn't know who his real father is so I think that yeah I think he's charged up and and he's had he's raised by his grandparents

So he's got like a lot of I think he just tries to he's basically up and he's raised by his grandparents. So he's got like a lot of, I think he just tries to, he's basically fucking women and try to find his father. Yeah, true. That's like kind of wild. If you're raised by your grandparents, it's kind of like, you're like kind of wild at that point. But dude, we're out there and we went to this bakery in Glasgow. I wanted to go to this specific bakery, I forgot what it was called, but they had like

this kind of carrot cake, like muffin. I was like, I gotta get this muffin. And we saw this homeless lady walking around. She was, you know, could fully see, but she had a blind stick. So she must've like taken it from an actual homeless, actual blind person. And she's walking around with this stick,

like hitting it off the wall. And then we're like, what this lady's fucking nuts. So I'm just standing out there like eating it, whatever. Dude, she takes the carrot cake out of my hand and smashes it in her face. And then swings the stick at me. I was like, whoa! Oh my God, dude, she takes the carrot cake out of my hand and smashes it in her face. And then swings the stick at me. I was like, whoa! Oh my God, dude, me and him were sprinting down the street.

I was like, ladies nuts. So when I saw that, I was like, yo, when people ask me, where's the craziest homeless people, I'm like, believe it or not, dude, it's Glasgow, Scotland. I've never seen anything like that. That's such a wild assault. Just crushing it into your own face.

And then swung this walking stick at me that she didn't even need. And then she screamed something in like Gaelic or whatever Scottish, you know, Highland language, fairy language there speaking at somebody else. And like nobody even kind of moved. Everyone was kind of like, oh yeah, that's just, you know, crazy Susan. You should have kept it, grabbed the staff. I know. Yeah. Yeah, that's it. I guess I would have been scared of that situation. Dude, I saw the only time I've ever seen, so what I will say about New York though because people you know shit on New York oh it's not safe anymore and there's right. I lived in New York, I've lived there my whole life. I never once, not one time in my 39 years of living, did I ever get even approached by a homeless person or a crazy. They're very subdued yeah. Didn't happen but the

last six, dude in the last six months, walking down McDougal Street, you know, like West Village, whatever, I've had three homeless people that I have to, one guy, and I never had to do, I had to do this one time in my life, and it was recently, I had to push him off me, because he was like going like in my, I pushed him off me and he fell over a pile of garbage. Yeah, and his fucking elbow landed in like a disgusting puddle and I kind of felt bad, but I was like, what did you want me to do here? Yeah, why was he getting in your face?

Because they're crazy. They're like out of control and the police can't really arrest them. They can't do anything. All my boys are cops. One of my boys, I told him about the story and he goes, you want to take my baton with you? I was like, that'd be fucking crazy. If I just start beating back homeless people with a licensed NYPD baton How'd it feel though when he gave the fucking push? Dude, I gotta be honest with you the way that I could I have a bad Achilles But the way I was able to just kind of load my weight on the back and push it

I kind of told my therapist like I think we're out of the woods here. I think my Achilles is good I thought you need it. I just launched the homeless guy intocoming traffic, and I felt almost no pain in the Achilles Yeah, I'm telling you that's all I've been doing recently is just fantasizing about just combat right because it's like there's nothing left for me To do I went to ACL with my whole family in the Austin City Limits tour Yeah, it fucking sucks by the way I hated it But I was there the whole time and all I wanted to do was just fight like a 24 year old right Just man are you into the UFC like can you do a little fighting? Can you handle yourself jiu-jitsu for like a like six months when I was going through a divorce which was pretty sick, right?

Oh, you this is your second wife second marriage. Yeah, I didn't know that I was the first wife black as well Yes, no, there you go. Yes back to back But you the month but this wife is the month you didn't have children with the other way So I've never met the other your current wife, that's the mother of your children. Okay. She's great. Yeah. Yeah. So how long did the first marriage last? About like three years. Three years. And then what happened? Sure. In and out. Just got crazy. My heart wasn't in it. Yeah. Your heart wasn't in it. My heart wasn't in it.

So she wanted to stay, but you wanted to leave. Yeah. Unfortunately. See, when that happens on the man, that's a very difficult thing for the man to go through because when the woman... Statistically doesn't happen a lot either, which further theory that I have a woman brain, most women initiate divorce, I think like 75%. That's what I'm saying. It's almost impossible if the woman doesn't want it, then it's like, you know, then you got, there's nothing you can do. But once the woman says it's over, that's it, buddy. There's an absolutely zero, you can do

nothing. If your woman, if your wife comes to you, you know, fans listening at home, and she says it's over, just don't even attempt, don't even attempt to fuck, she's, by the way, she's moved on with another guy secretly six months ago. So just know it's over, please don't even try. Yeah, or what you can do is get back, start like a viral business TikTok and just do numbers and just absolutely crush her.

100% dude. That's all you can do. What did you, when you told when the, how did you tell the first wife, like it's over? It had been in conversation here and there and then eventually like, I just kind of reached like a breaking point myself. Yeah. It was just me.

I just entered into a relationship like too early. When you said you go, you go, what was her name? I can't say her name. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you can't say her name. As soon as I said that I was like, don't say her name. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you can't say her name. As soon as I said it, I was like, don't say her name. And then I was like, yeah, so you're like... I just wasn't ready. It was like, I still wanted to do standup,

and then it was like, I was being pulled into like, it was just over, like the tomb was in front of the boulder, like you gotta enter the corporate world, or like career man. I couldn't do it, and then I had to just, I had to go off. She goes, you must be out your goddamn mind. Yeah, pretty much. No, they were like, her and her mother were really trying. I tried. It was like kind of laughable.

I believe it. I became like a personal trainer at L.A. Fitness for three weeks, walked out in the middle of the session. That's what black women want. That's what they want in their white husbands is he needs to be a trainer at Planet Fitness. Oh, L.A Planet Fitness would be sick. What? But yeah, I really tried it.

For me, I'd never ever been in a relationship before that where I put any effort or cared at all. So that was like a learning experience. Like, oh, okay, like yeah, I'm dealing with other human beings. I'm not like, this isn't like a simulation. The way you and your current wife are is really beautiful and you love each other because when I was hanging out

with you guys with my girl, I got yelled at when we got back into the hotel because I don't treat her the way you treat your wife He was like she was you see how nice he's been you see how in love they are you see how they have She going off of though. I don't know just I guess she saw you guys make eye contact once Yeah, I was even next to that a lot of that too is women. I've noticed that and I've asked my wife I'm like we're standing there and they go give me a kiss when we're in a crowded place I'm like what the fuck is that yeah, you're not that's not for like me or you you're doing that for something else Yeah, well she's doing that to peacock because she thinks other girls are looking at you

She's like so this is this is my yes. My guy is a trainer at LA Yeah, it's I was wondering about that cuz they do they are like comparing a lot being like like what is that? That was I wasn't really affectionate towards my wife that night at all. Yeah, I was doing on purpose I wanted to come off like cool. I think well no, but even I noticed I was like oh these these two are in love Yeah, you could you could feel that you could feel like this wife if this wife's gonna be a forever one Yeah, let's you kill her God forbid. Yeah, that would be a god willing. Yes or killing I do honestly like I would rather get broken up With then initiate the breakup. Oh my God, initiating the breakup's the worst.

For real, the worst. All the guilt and the weight of the world is on your shoulders and you have to just deal with it. I really think it's like killing them. Sure. It's like you're killing a person on a level where you're just like, we're never gonna see each other again. And was she begging you, like, please, don't do this type thing? No, it wasn't like that. It was just sad, dude. Yeah level. We're just like we're never gonna see and was she like begging you like please

Like don't do this time. I wasn't like that. It was just sad. Yeah It's just sad because I had my mind made up and there's nothing I could do Yeah, that's so sad you get to a point where you're just like well now I've reached the deep I'm off the other side of the fucking deep end and there's no coming when you know, you know That was all my relationships for me is like I would just try desperately just to get posted That's all I wanted to do. Yeah, and then next thing you know it's like okay now my life's conjoined to this person And then I would just try to figure out how to get out of it the whole time Like yeah, then I got married and I was like oh shit

And then it became this whole thing and I got to like finally live with a woman and really like yeah see them Yeah, they were just kind of like you'd get a girlfriend and they would just materialize Yeah, you're younger and you're like oh sweet read the movies and you'd be like, yeah, I get some pussy Yeah, then you started like when your life's can join with a woman for me. It was such a learning experience Yeah, okay, like you guys have this whole wide range of emotions and you know, that was dude I was reading about and that's all societal to like what one like I was reading about What what the hell was like was it the aardvark, it's not the Aardvark Native Americans, Aardvarks an animal, but it's something like that.

It's something like Aardvark tribe or something like that. But they were like an old school tribe. I think they still might be around today, but like when they were like 1800s and their whole belief system was so opposite of what was going on at, you know, like the European settlers. They were like, they thought it was crazy,

men and women to marry one person and to only raise your own children. That was like a foreign concept to them. They're like, no, no, what we do, what the women do here is the men fight for who's the strongest guy and then they get to fuck the strongest woman. And then they fuck and that one gets pregnant. So she goes away and then the next one steps up and you keep fighting and then they get to fuck the strongest woman and then they fuck and they that one gets pregnant So she goes away and then the next one steps up and you keep fighting and then they just such a good idea

But and then you impregnate them right and then here's how it works Oh are the women fighting too or they do it? No, no, the women are just there The women are just there are they gauging the strength? I guess just like I guess the men are fighting and doing all types of things but then like oh I guess I mean I'm sure the it's just who's the hottest and doing all types of things, but then like, oh, I get, I mean, I'm sure it's just who's the hottest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The guys are just like that one, who's got the biggest tits? That's just all it is. Strong tits. Yeah. So like when you get all the way down the list, you're like,

fuck, what am I even fighting for this over this pig? And so, and so, but, but so, but so, so the guys would fight whatever. And then here's the interesting thing. Number one, you know, have the baby and then that baby, it's not your, it's not your and hers baby. It's you created that baby together, but it's for the village and the village raises it, you know, like it takes a village, whatever. Yeah. So that's, so there's no, the monogamy is not, they don't, they, not only do they not believe in it, they think it's actually bad for society. They're like, why would you do that? And then with like abortion and stuff like that, it's obviously a thing, big debate, whatever, and guilt, and I get why, of course.

But this culture, if they, if you say you impregnated like the top lady, right? And then she's pregnant and she's watching you over the next few months, and she's like, this guy's actually weak. He's not as strong as I thought. They had this potion of herbs and spices. They would abort the baby.

Oh! Yeah, dude, they would abort it. And it was like, it was not even shameful. The guy was shamed on, like you did that, motherfucker. Fuck, dude. Oh, so he, that's fucking. Yeah, dude. Abortions are kind of guys' fault too.

Yeah, 100%. Yeah, still to this day, it's kind of like, yo, bro. Yeah, oh yeah. Shoulda like, lift a log in front of her. Yeah, dude. You sure you wanna fucking do this? Yeah, yeah%. Yeah, still to this day, it's kind of like, yo, bro. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Should I like lift a log in front of her? Yeah, dude. Are you sure you want to fucking do this? Yeah.

I've been on the sidelines for a couple of them. I'm like, dude, this is me. This is me. This is my fault. My fault? My bad, dude. I should be stronger. Yeah, I should have.

Yeah. Dude, if you saw your wife or the lady, I guess, just sipping the potion, I'd be like, aw, what did I do? Fuck. I'm such a fucking the potion. I'd be like I'm such a fucking little bitch Yeah I wonder if you could so can you enter back you gotta wait until the pregnancy to enter back into combat or can you Just enter back into the ring and his so that I don't know I I got to do more research cuz I kind of just read that point and then I've just put the book down

I was like I gotta find this tribe if this tribe is still active you should go This is where I gotta be this you should go there and then when you're there, be like, dude, what the fuck, I had it. I can't like other myself from the culture. Yeah, dude. Just have some kid on the other side. I gotta follow the lead. Because when you start to look back in history,

it's like this whole idea of like, no, I get why monogamy is a big, I get it, I really do understand. But I'm like, oh shit, it's just like the pressure that society puts on you in art. You know, we've got puritanical society here. Like, you know, those pilgrims were kind of, you know, zealots, witchcraft, all that shit.

But like, you go to Europe, dude, if you go to Europe and you're in Italy or Spain or whatever, and you just like, one of you like bang another person, it's like not, it's like they'll be mad at you, your spouse, but you're not gonna get, but you're not gonna lose your marriage. You only lose your marriage if you fall in love with another person, but you can definitely go out and bang. That's not a big problem.

It's not a great thing, but I don't think it's like, it's like you going to strip club with your boys, like your wife would be like, what the fuck are you doing? Same thing with banging a chick. They're like, are you serious, dude? Don't do that, asshole. But if you're in love or they find texts, that's the bigger deal.

The emotional affair, yeah, if you're like, I love you so much. I knew someone who got caught sending Beach Boys lyrics to their lover. Over, bro. That'll get you, dude. That'll get you. Yeah.

Yeah. I was sending Hall and Oates songs to this girl. I was like, you're out of touch. We're out of time. And then my girl's like, dude, you have to move out. Yeah, they sent, wouldn't it be nice lyrics? Wouldn't it be nice? It's like, dude, you're fried.

I know, man. It's odd. It is, yeah, I think about it a lot, especially once you like, because when I was younger, I'd always be like, you'd hear about a guy, like a pizza shop owner, would just like bang a cashier. Sure. You're like, how the fuck could somebody do that? As that as you get older you're like the current of that river is pretty strong

To into that a little bit, dude. I'm like I see how do you get off you get it? But I got a friend who's a doctor and he you know, he's happily married great great guy whatever But he was like dude the amount of doctors that bang the nurses on these overnight shifts He's like it's literally like it's the most stereotypical thing like the nurses on these overnight shifts. He's like, it's literally like, it's the most stereotypical thing. Like the nurses know these guys are married or whatever, but it's like, and it's always the same thing. It's the male doctor and the female nurse,

and they just fuck. And he was like, I think it's because, he's like, it's one of those things where, like, you know, we're around so much death in the hospital that I think, you know, somebody dies, something tragic happens, and then your body, you start to get hoining because your body is like, oh, oh, I think somebody dies, something tragic happens, and then your body, you start to get horny, because your body is like,

oh, oh, I just saw death, let me create life. Type thing, he's like, so I kind of don't even, I get it. And doctors are, they're like a sexual fantasy for women. Oh yeah. There was like ER, they're like one of the things, there's like firefighters, doctors. That's like one of the things women see and get horny for. And they're like the boss in the thing.

Yeah, dude, my boy, the doctor, he looks like a golf club. He literally his head is all fucked up He looks it got his got eyes are like that, you know, but she looks sick, but every girl's like I love he's so hot Oh, yeah. Yeah, they just because he's a doctor. I do I feel I've been in hospitals before Yeah, like when people are sick and I'm kind of like dude I get I feel the tension I'm like damn this is a very sorry. Yeah, there's a bunch of nasty nurses running around dude I remember my grandfather like, you know passed away in a stroke and his nurse She was like, you know, you know Latina kind of you know She wasn't like a smoke show but she was hot enough and just cuz she was careful caring for him

I remember I went in there one day and they were scrubbing him down. He's like shit his pants And they're scrubbing him down. I was getting fucking horny Just scrubbing down my grandfather's bare ass. I was like, oh shit, I love this. Just because I don't know what it was. I was like, she's a caretaker. I want her to scrub my nuts. Yeah, there is something about that.

When the nurse comes in, they're really sweet. They are like, that does get a guy like me going as well. Teachers. Just like women that care, you're just like, oh man, I want that. But then our minds go to these fantasies. And then you create these fantasies with other ladies. Oh, my man, I want that. But then our minds go to these fantasies and then they create these fantasies with other ladies.

My life will be like this, I just want a lady to cook for me wearing an Eli Manning jersey and making me pasta every weekend. Just kinda sucking my dick and just letting me watch the game. I'm like, can't I have that? Man, I'm only gonna live once. And my dad's like, are you stupid, asshole?

Yeah, I know. Yeah, you can't, dude. And then also too, the fantasy never matches. It's always as soon as, you know. Eventually it's gonna be, that's just a lady bristling. It's like what? And you prepare for it now because my father did give me good advice.

He was like, let me tell you something. He goes, I, you know, when you, when we're out, he was like, you know, my dad's 76 now. 1776, best year, dude. By the way, every single passcode on my door, phone, any four digit code is 1776. Just how I roll. I know someone who has their door code.

Yeah, that's like, so if you ever want to rob anything from me, just know, go 1776. And then if that doesn't work, it's 1812. War of 1812, baby. Well, it's sick, too, when someone's like, yeah, what's your door code? And you're like, 1776, obviously. Yeah, I'm not a communist, bro.

Fuck's wrong with you? Yeah, and every passcode is like, you know, baseball USA. Yeah, hot dogs, United States. So what was the advice your father, your 1776 father gave you? He goes, he was like, you know, he's like, when you, you know, as you get older, he was like,

your brain doesn't change, your body changes. So he was like, when you and I are standing in the video store, this is an old example, it was like, okay, we haven't done that in years. He's like, when we stand in the video store, he goes, and you see that hot 25 year old girl walking in, he goes, the same way your brain says, I'd love to bang that girl, I think I got a shot,

so does mine. He goes, my brain hasn't changed from the 25-year-old man I used to be. He goes, but then I look in the mirror, and I see what I've become. He goes, and it really messes with you. He goes, so just don't think. So his point was he was like, you know,

right now, he's like, I'm 75, I have diabetes, and I basically, I have a useless dick. My dick doesn't work at all anymore. He's like, I haven't banged your stepmother in 20 years. I'm like, great. Yeah, so he's like, but no, my brain has not changed at all. So you have to prepare that this struggle that you're going through, this will not stop.

Your brain doesn't get, every old guy you see out there, they wanna bang the young women, they just can just can't they have to just accept what it is And you're this is this is that this is like what kind of your sentences of being a man through this world You have to yeah, you feel like practice not getting pussy almost in like a Buddhist Ways yeah, just yeah, like it's gonna. It's also one of those things that will fade. So you do prepare for it I know my my guy Who I work with a lot is like, you know, very like zen guy. He was like, listen, dude, you're going to be away for a week.

He's like, I'm telling you, try not to masturbate. Just try to channel all that energy. Don't man. I know you're going to be alone. It's hard. I was like, you know what? I'm going to do it. I swear to God, I'm going to do it.

I walked through the airport, the Austin airport, and I saw five pussies in lululemon pants. I saw the outline of five full vaginas I crazy I jerked off at the reception desk Checked in and just started cranking it Camel toe is crazy. I was talking to my wife about it recently because she was going out in the Exercise gear she was like did these look right and I was just kind of like yeah I mean you don't have to hike them up your pussy pull them down a little bit Yeah, but you're like well. I don't even care about that. I don't think about that. I'm like people think about that Yeah, that's like you I see those and it fucks me up for like four minutes. I'm yeah like fuck

Yeah, she I see nipples emerging and like a pussy print or butt cheeks and the ass. It's it's crazy, dude And I'm telling you dude I'm not gay, but the men too like their legs that they have on these guys with the tattoos on the quads I'm like I get it fellas. It's crazy. no fucking let's let's hang out just running by a river shirtless yeah we don't got to like do anything gay but you want to we'll get a coffee or something it is talk yeah dude it's talk I was asking random guys like you want to come on my pod tomorrow just shoot the shit yeah it is it's really is like beautiful men and women yeah cuz a bunch of colleges I

think there's like a bazillion Five different colleges there are even though, you know I've said and I've made it clear that I thrive in the original 13 colonies and that's where I want to be Comedically in my life. I will say there's way more beautiful people as you start to come west the original 13 colonies We're not the hottest punch, you know, we're not we got some hotties. We definitely have some hotties Well, didn't they like send out? No. Punch. You know? We're not out, we got some hotties. We definitely have some hotties. Well didn't they like send out, like the people who were like the first wave of just like prisoners and peasants they like shipped out here against their will of Europeans?

Really? I didn't know that. Yeah, so they would just take like prisoners from England and just like people who were fucking up and be like, yo, you're going. And then they came out here, they promised them like we'll get you a wife, we'll like whole new, you know, new, you know, new man, new you. And then they just started sending out like whores They would like arrest women for prostitution and throw them out and send them out here and be like these are your wives and half

Them will like die You just get like a skeletor yeah off the boat just disgusting and the dudes were pissed or like don't give us fucking whores We want like we want you know mom and apple pie. Yeah, so yeah It was just like criminals, and they just like had people till the land and just die yeah like two generations dude I read this book to do you ever read, it was called Island in the Center of the World, it was about New York City, because before the British, when it was just the Dutch, this author, Russell Shorto,

great, it's like an amazing read because we only know, even me in school, I've only really learned about what British society was like, but dude, Dutch society, New York, well they called it New Amsterdam, Dutch society, they were like in the 1600s, they were as woke as we are now. Dude, they had fucking no slaves, everybody was out there fucking everybody,

they were having parties, dancing in the streets, like a beautiful type of culture. And then the British came in and were like, you know, rules, like shit got puritanical Yeah quick and kind of like lost the fun but the whole idea but that but this idea of like America like originally was supposed was this Amsterdam idea of like this is the place like they wanted New York to be like Amsterdam like smoke We prostitutes everywhere. Yeah, just chill dude, and they wanted that to spread across the country But instead, yeah got the British idea that British law and order New York was too valuable prostitutes everywhere. Just chill dude and they wanted that to spread across the country but instead

they got their British idea. That British law and order. New York was too valuable. All right on the sea right yeah. So you just you know dude tonight you just look at your wife and say why don't we why don't we be Amsterdam tonight instead of first dude let me get freaky. Yeah well here's the thing going to what your dad said it there is something too like you have to just by default it's like I'm going to Build up this program of like seeking pleasure. It's like I'm gonna put I'm gonna get like I'm gonna get pussy I'm gonna do this. This is gonna be awesome Like your dad's saying that fades physically sure you have to build a bank of like non bodily pleasure Yeah

And if you just fucking if you just fuck your way through life you just destroy everything and you're left just like dickless Dickless at the end dickless and alone. We're all dickless. We're all going to be dickless You got to build up like a yeah dickless safety plan where at the end. Dickless and alone. We're all dickless. We're all going to be dickless. You've got to build up like a dickless safety plan where you start to enjoy walks, people in your life. Oh yeah, dude. It just sucks doing that because you just want to come really hard. That's all I want to do.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. My, I take like, especially with kids, now I have 14, 9, and 3. But like, so 3 is like crazy. She's the cutest, but it's like a legitimate like lunatic terrorist person. But, but so, but so what I do now, and my dad gave me this advice. He was like, life isn't for you now.

It's going to be about little breaks. You're not going to get an hour long break, most likely. Like that's just not going to happen. What you got to do is five seconds. He says, when you, you know, your three year old, you know, your daughter, like she doesn't want to get in the car seat. You got to fucking jam her in there. And like, basically like, I'm putting in like jujitsu moves

just to get the safety belt on and the three point harness. And so, so I do, and he was like, and then you shut that door, don't just run around and go right into the driver's seat. Take a nice 10 second walk around the car. You have 10 seconds alone. Take a breath, take five breaths, and then get in the car and drive.

Like little resets and dude, that's like the game changer where I just take these breath, take five breaths, and then get in the car and drive. Like little resets, and dude, that's like the game changer, where I just take these little, because the bottom line is like there's times where like, I can't meditate, I can't just sit there 20 minutes in the sauna meditating, because I'm just gonna jerk off. I'm just gonna break it and just start jerking off. So instead what I do is I say, you know what, let me try to take an hour a day, if I can,

an hour a day, just to off my device. Just like go for a walk, you know what, let me try to take an hour a day, if I can, an hour a day, just to off my device, just like go for a walk, just do something. And like, that's what I'm counting as meditation, because to just sit there for 20 minutes with my eyes closed, I literally will just start jerking off and I can't do it. And then it defeats the purpose. Or at least this way without, because I'm reading all these studies now where it's like,

we're constantly excited from the phone to the screen, to this, to that, to to the kids to the life but like older people like they had long bouts of like no stimulation like get bored it's like like go get bored somewhere yeah and that's kind of how I yeah well think about really so your brain so there is a thing called EEG habituation so like you know if I get naked lady walked in here our brain waves a big but if it happened every 10 seconds or literally your brain habituates to that stimuli So then you just like it's nothing to you anymore so that they say meditators have like long-term meditators do have It's almost like childlike EEG habituation where they can see a tree

And it's like that like like a kid looking at it like whoa right? But if you're just kind of just like jamming shit in your face all the time Yeah, nothing will excite you do you meditate? I try I used to be really good at doing it and like really like a good about doing it And then yeah, I just complete I always be like I don't give out people say they can't like sit down and just meditate now I've hit a place right. I can't do it again I don't know what happened, you know sit down, and I start to freak out I'm like I got to do this well all your kind of start now doing it again

Are they in school now, your kids? Yeah, the one is, the four year old's in pre-K and the two year old is like, she goes like two days a week. So you, so I'm saying you have a couple days a week where like you and your wife like don't have the kids for six hours. We have a babysitter come during the day. Oh, so you got some time. Yeah. That's good.

I have time to work, but then I have to just get so much stuff done. Yeah, yeah. But I've been trying to, the walk is good for me too. If I do a nice long walk, it's like, I think that counts. It does, it definitely does, but it's like one of those things that's like, you just feel gay as a guy going for a walk, you know? Like just, I kind of always just feel gay too.

Like when I'm pushing my kid in a stroller, I'm like, dude, just let me hold you. I know. Let me hold you like a football, cause I just feel gay. I feel gay just like going for a walk, it's gay. And I wish it wasn't. I wish I felt like more more and by the way, I'm not even disparaging gay. I think being gay is powerful. But I guess I kind of just feel like more feminine.

I feel like you're appropriating gay culture by taking walks. Yes, exactly. But I'm okay with that. I want the gays. I like taking walks. And you don't feel like less of a like a guy No, not walking. Okay walking you feel almost like a holy man. You feel very like down blissful Okay, I mean every every great man would take a constitutional. That's true So it's like it's poor for the course keeping a journal all the things you think are gay keeping a journal

Not gay. Yeah, man kept a journal. Yeah, you take a constitutional, dude Even if you go back to the founding fathers, dude You think put throwing on a pair of pantyhose is gay. Look at our founding fathers. Dude, you think that were they all cross dressers? Go look at old pictures of George Washington and Thomas Jefferson. They're in literally high heels shoes

and pantyhose with wigs on. What? These guys are my dream. They have those like thigh things. Yeah, dude. Those were men, dude. They would put wigs on and pantyhose and high heels shoes. And they'd be like, that's what we're gonna do, bro.

We're gonna take over this goddamn country. So for me, I look back at our fathers and I'm like, dude, if they're doing it, let's get real, you know? Yeah, taking walks definitely isn't gay. It's a shame that we've been made to believe it's gay. Because they just want you on the device. Yeah, that's what it is. But then it's like, I do like to listen to music

while I walk, because I've tried to just be like, no music, no nothing, and it's kind of like. But sometimes we gotta like really reconnect. Like I think sometimes for me to, like I wanna ride a me to feel like I got I want to ride a horse You know I just get on a horse and just fucking go down a path that'd be nice that be sick That'd be nice. Yeah, hold your baby, too

I feel you on the baby stroller because there is the part where it's like you feel like women see it and they're like Oh, that's so sweet, but then it's like anything. They like is gay. Yes I want to just like hold them by their foot like a chicken Yeah, like Achilles. Yeah. Lucy is made for your nicotine routine and delivered straight to your door. It's 100% pure nicotine and always tobacco free. Lucy isn't like every other nicotine pouch company that's owned by Big Tobacco. They're like the mom and pop shop of pouches. Have you ever heard about breakers? It's pouches that pack a little something extra inside. If you know your pouches,

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But yeah, it is uh I don't know man. It's it's tricky dude. It's very tricky a lot of I see here more So I think like young women might be just like feeding the life force from like homeless people and like dads here a lot of the Dads here right present as gay sure like and I think something happened from like homeless people and like dads here a lot of the dads here right present as gay sure like I think something happened where I think people have like Men especially have reached like I feel like educated kind of men have reached inside themselves and killed this switch where yeah It has become like well do weird dude. It's like dude. Come on man, especially us as like, you know, like Comedians like our our world is a little like, the older school men are like, what do you do?

Like they don't care how much money you're making or not making, they're like, what are you doing, dude? Go build something, go like work, go to a factory. And I feel like, cause you know, I'm not like a guy at all. Like I said, I don't know how to build or do anything. So there's a lot of times like my kids will like walk out at the door of school and I just will lift up the hood of my car and even know what I'm looking at,

just so they can somewhat, my my daughters and I'm just like in there have a good day girls and I'm but I'm just I'm kind of just like doing the macarena like yeah I'm just rolling my arms I'm going like that I don't even I have no idea but but like anytime like I see like but I even I even though it's weird because like it's my it's actually you know our careers to kind of have this time and to create whatever but like when I go into a coffee shop at like 11 a.m. on a Tuesday and I see a guy there on his laptop, I'm like, the fuck are you doing, dude? Go to work.

Yeah. But meanwhile, I'm there to writing my laptop. Yeah, true. But I'm mad at him. Yeah, get out of here, dude. I'm like, dude, like you're so lame. You got to go to fucking work. That's why I like Chinese dudes.

That's why like I talk about it on stage a lot. It's like, you know like with play dates with kids. My daughter has a Chinese kid in her class. I hang out with him and his family. Because first of all, I've never met his. Every other parent is available for a play date at 2 PM. The Chinese are not. They're working.

Mom and dad work. And the grandparents watch the kids. That's just how the culture is. They're like, you're not. There's no work from home in China. There's no hybrid work. They're like, no, you're going to go to work. We fucking, they lock their people in their houses with COVID. They don't give a fuck.

Now they have afterschool stuff for the kids because the parents work so long. My brother was telling me this, a lot of like the Indian and Chinese guys, are out, families, mom and dad work super long hours. So after they go to school, they got to go to an afterschool program where they continue to learn about like science and shit And the parents come on back at like probably like 6 7 p.m. Dude. This is what happened with the Nazis You know they were just fucking you know they just came out school school school world school building shit blitzkrieg came out

1930s and just steamrolled motherfuckers, and that's what's gonna happen with China They're the ones working everyone else is like having fun having sex getting STDs Yep, and not not the Chinese dude. Yeah, I we still will crush them I think so I think we'll just stable up we can stabilize them. I think pretty easily Yeah, cuz there's that whole like middle coast There's like the middle portion that are poor and peasants and the coastal elites and like yeah That's their whole history is that middle portion? Yeah coming in fucking people up becoming the coastal elites and they just kind of go back That's what it is. Yeah, you and Chinese culture Chinese history. I Not a lot I've read about it, but it's a it's still a mysterious land as far as I know

Oh, yeah, dude great wall. Yeah, I can't even understand it when they tell me about it how they just built a wall Throughout the whole country. I'm like, why so dumb? They'll just climb it. I'm going to shoot missiles over. Look at my chair just fell down. Look at this. Do you see this? My chair just fell down. The Chinese remote controlling my chair. Hold on. Yeah, I think we're like currently destabilizing Russia. And once we get done destabilizing Russia, we'll probably turn our sights on China. And that's the only other really like threat, powerful threat.

Right. Yeah. I mean, I guess, I guess, yeah threat that's really powerful. Yeah, I guess. Yeah, that seems like, yeah, because I ran North Korea, doesn't matter. I've read a good book called The Next Hundred Years by George Friedman. I forget the guy's name, but he laid it out. He wrote it in the early 2000s, and he was laying out like the you know, Russia Ukraine thing He was like making predictions like by before 2030 there they have to go to war They have to fight each other Russia has to take back Ukraine. Bah-bah-bah really? Yeah What was his reasoning why they have to take back Ukraine because like they just need like a buffer like you can enter You can just be right into Russia from like in all those other points because of those like NATO countries sure

So you can just march right in Ukraine You can just kind of like that's their one weak spot through you right because the other parts are kind of like hard to get Into right but that like if you leave whatever that big city is Kiev you can be in like one of the big cities So do you think Russia can be is gonna be Ukraine like I don't think so you think Ukraine is just like a porcupine like They're just I think well in the book he was like it's not even about winning wars the United States Just needs to destabilize any other power Okay, you don't have to win the war you have to fuck their economy up so bad that like it throws them off But it's gonna that'll destabilize them for 20 30 years right yeah Like we're not gonna be able to go to Moscow as American citizens probably ever in our life

No, probably not and well the problem is to Russia is going through the population decline That was a big thing in the book like this is their last time We'll have all these young men right it's gonna be a huge population dip right so if we can kind of like fuck them up now By 2050 they're not gonna have like enough so we're in the driver's seat big time Yeah, like we're according to this guy you know I believe I say China's gonna take over But he was like not you're not gonna happen He's like he clearly believes that Russia and China will collapse And then 2030 will be like the 2030s onward it'll be in a it's kind of been right He was like the 2020s are gonna be so tumultuous like very bad

But then like after that there's gonna be a presidency around like 2030 2034 and they're really gonna like Figure it out and unite us all new era of peace because his thing is that gotta help. I'm still selling tickets then I know. It should fucking be awesome. What was the thing, 2030? I'm fucking 40 now, it's 20. Oh dude, I'm gonna suck. I'm gonna be like in my 50s.

Imagine how fun that'll be, being 50 and you see like 25 year olds and you're like, shut the fuck up. Fuck up, yeah. My dumb kids, like shut your mouth. Yeah. Oh God, I hope that happens. Yeah, because it does, I do feel like sometimes somber.

I'm like, man, I romanticize the late 90s and early 2000s. Obviously, 9-11 was bad, but I don't if you remember, 2007, 2008 was awesome. It was in college, yeah. Amazing times. Everybody was having fun. And now I'm just like, everywhere I look, I'm like, it doesn't seem like people

are as happy as they were, certainly not as free as they were. And I'm just like everywhere I look I'm like it doesn't seem like people are as happy as they were as certainly not As free as they were yeah, and I'm just like I'm that's hopeful what the next hundred years. I'm gonna get that book It's pretty good. It's really cool. They are and the big thing too They say like these are just cycles like every 50 years like a 50 year cycle where like someone passes like a huge like seminal policy like you know I can't remember one to say like Roosevelt did that whole thing whatever whatever his big policy was. Carry a big stick. Yeah whatever he did. But that'll solve a bunch of problems from the previous 50 years but then 50 years later that policy will cause problems that it takes 50 years to

figure out and solve which then will solve those problems, air of peace and that like policy creates new problems. It's just a never-ending cycle. Never-ending cycle. this kind of going down. And if you guys want any chance to stop the cycle, do the right thing this November. Yeah, true. Where are you at in November? Come to comedy on state in Madison, Wisconsin.

No, I know. Yeah, I don't know. People are obviously all bent out of shape about who's going to be the president. I'm like, I don't know that it matters as much as you genuinely think it does. I think it matters as much as you genuinely think yes I think it matters just for like political unrest on people crying whichever whoever wins But I don't know. How's you have you ever really genuinely felt a genuine difference? Whoever the president is

No, I've never felt it except for kovat Yeah, I got locked in and there are people being like let people out versus let people in that was the only time I've ever been like but then you didn't have to do that was the other thing I told people like you didn't have to do it. Yeah, yeah, at least not in America I mean dude remember like they were like, oh you're gonna need like a vaccine card like forever I was like, no, I don't think you are no I had a fake one. Sure. It's easy, dude There was a pizzeria in my neighborhood on 3rd Avenue in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn That was like literally I swear all you'd like you like the people knew knew, if you ordered, I think it was two pepperoni slices

and garlic nuts come in six, if you're like, oh, can I get two pepperoni slices and half an order of garlic nuts? And you kind of just like gave a look. They knew that that meant give that to you and then you would give them a hundred dollar bill and they would have a fake vaccine card in the to-go bag for you.

It was like a whole, it was like a like a system They had that's pretty people getting fake vaxed all day. Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah, bro. Yeah, my wife made him in our basement Yeah, it's great. But do you ever think like do you think the government cares anymore? You think they're still looking for those people or they're just they can't they didn't give a fuck then that really was a I Think that was just like a huge effort from the pharma companies who had people paid in Washington Yeah, cuz that was like they can do a thing where they're like And again for some people who wanted it like get it. I don't care like fucking two-year-olds didn't need it That was a mall where like our pediatrician was like well, you don't have to do it

I totally respect that but there's a higher chance that your kid might die and I was like, okay, man No, there's not get the fuck out of yeah That to me was the part that I was like, this is ridiculous Yeah, give it to the geezers if it works for them cool. Yeah, but like dude I don't need this. I'm like, yeah, I don't fuck I don't take Tylenol for headaches So I'm like, I'm not taking that. Oh, you just power through you're that guy I just I don't like a lot of like medicines and shit. They freaked me out like pills all that stuff interesting so what if you get really sick you just ride that fucker out if I'm like Super duper sick then I'll kind of yield and take like a little something.

But even then, yeah, I like to, what I would do if I get like a fever, I'll take a really hot bath and I spike my fever that way. Cause then the fever is what like is your immune reaction. It's good. Dude, I like that you go, oh, you put leeches on, just suck your blood out. You go old school. That was a treatment for cancer. No, no fevers.

They were giving, they were spiking fevers and it kills like cancer cells. Fevers are good for you. Of course. But you can't get too high because you can have a seizure. Yeah. So if you can keep that thing at like 102, 103, get in a hot bath, I just burn it out. Dude, you get right to, that's you edging yourself. But if it gets too high.

It gives yourself a fever right to the point of seizure. But have you ever tried to jerk off in a hot bath? No. Impossible. Why? It's just the hot water fucks with your nuts. Oh, because you know what it is probably because when you get hot water, it's called vasoconstriction

is what's going to make your dick go. Vasodilation, when they open up, blood pressure goes down. That must be what it is. I can't come in the bathtub. You'd think it'd be a glorious session, but it's like. You just can't do it. Can't do it. Yeah, I know.

I've actually never, so the way that I jerk off, I don't jerk off kind of like most people like this. I actually lay my dick, I kind of sandwich it between my stomach and my hands. You're a pressure player. Yeah, exactly. I kind of just push the base of my dick and top of my balls to just kind of shoot it out.

So I can't ever jerk off standing up regardless. I'm always laying down. I kind of make a little pussy for myself. Yeah, that's what it is. It's kind of nice. It's kind of nice, dude, because I don't know why, when I was a little kid, like the first time I ever like jerked it or like, you know, masturbated or felt that,

I just was rubbing, I was like basically like rubbing a pillow on my dick and balls. And then I think I just stayed that way. That's how you do it, yeah. Like I've never, I've almost never, I could, I don't think I've ever went like that. You've never cranked it? I've never cranked it, dude.

That's awesome. Yeah. That's pretty sick. I just don't do it, I do it a different way. And I bet you that has implications on me mentally and like I'm just like a different guy because of it. I think you're better off though. Yeah.

Cause that is, there is something gay about like gripping your member and like, Yeah. You know, you're just, you're just fucking. I'm doing, I'm different and I'm just, I just, that's the way I roll and then I shoot into my and like, you know, you're just, you're just fucking. I'm doing, I'm different. And I'm just, I just, that's the way I roll. And then I shoot into my belly button and you know, it's kind of just like whatever, dude. Have you ever got caught?

Ever got walked in on? I got walked in on, my mom caught me once. That was bad. I never forget she was, she was walking in from the local pizzeria and she had brought me like mozzarella sticks and a chicken bacon ranch slice. And she had it like on like, she used to, dude, until I, I moved down to my mom's house in my mid twenties.

And when I was literally like 24 years old, she would bring me food on a New York Yankees like dinner tray. Like she would just give it to him. Like it had like this setup where I would just like lay on my bed and it was like a little table. She had that New York Yankees baseball tray with the food on it.

And I was just rubbing it. And you're in there just like. Yeah, I was like. I was like. Yeah. I had the, and so just like. Yeah, I was like. I was like. Yeah. I had the. And so, and she literally, she was like, she like went like this and she was like,

just slammed my door and she was like, your food's outside the door in the hallway. So I had to get it like a fucking inmate. Just like, you know, and then, dude, one time she found one of my VHS porn tapes and it was bad. Like we used to pass around a VHS tape and she found that I just left it So I used to put it in I had this documentary about the original USA dream team So I was and I was such a like a little loser kid

I was like 12 years old and I wrote on the cover of it. I said I want to go to the NBA Like a loser like in Sharpie. You're good at basketball though, right? Yeah division three. So that's good loser like in Sharpie. You're good at basketball though right? Yeah Division 3 so. That's good. But yeah I guess and so and so so I I had put the tape in that dream team thing because I was like my mom never looks in that and then my mom for whatever reason was like cleaning my room one day when I was like at school or it was the weekend I don't remember and she popped that fucking tape and thinking she was going to be a documentary on the dream team. Probably reds you probably saw your like quote was inspired. His goals, I wanna get my son a basketball hoop.

There's a lady like, ugh. And it was just this Colombian lady with a full bush just getting piped, screaming shit Spanish. And so I got home that day, cuz it was a big deal. We didn't have cell phones back then. Me and my boys were at the park, we called it, who's got, we called it the Spanish porn. Like, who's got the Spanish porn? We had the Spanish fly.

It was called Spanish Fly 14. It circulated all around. It circulated and like somebody would bring it. And then it was like a big deal. It's like, okay, you get it for a week. Then Frankie gets it. And it's like, what is this? And so when I came home one day, I was, you know,

wasn't even thinking about it. I came home and then it was literally, she had smashed it into like 20 pieces with a hammer. And she, she had my mom loved Post-its and she had a post it on it and she wrote, get this filth out of my house. And I was like, oh shit. And then so I had to tell the guys, I was like, my mom smashed that fucking porn. I just brought it back in like a pile. Just proof. Yeah. And they were just furious at me.

They were just furious at me. They were like shooting paintballs at me all summer. What? Well, so my brothers would go to like the adult section of Blockbuster and steal the porn tapes. It was like a serious effort to get the porn tapes. So yeah, if you got smashed, you'd be like, bro, what the fuck?

I know, and now- We're risking life and we're risking freedom to fucking get these things. Do you have boys or girls? Girls, I have two girls. Two girls, okay, I was gonna say, I'm actually happy if he had a boy, or for the boys that are living in Texas,

I'm actually happy that the porn is blocked, because then they're gonna go find adventurous ways, just like we had, to kind of get porn any way they can. So I kind of actually respect what the governor's doing here, to block the porn, he's doing it so the kids can have more fun and be more adventurous. And if you wanna get kids creative, which is a big problem we have, block the porn. I think so big deal dude kids don't go in the woods anymore

No, but they will they're looking for they have no porn to watch dude There that's where we found everyone found out. I think it's funny I think John Mayer did stand up once and his bit was that porn every kid finds porn in the woods originally Yeah, it's pretty funny pretty funny. That was true. That was like that's where we found porn We had to go to the woods and you just find it like fuck yeah yeah porn you find like you know people would go have sex in the woods yeah I find a condom sure first time I found a condom in the woods I went home and just beat off that's it just I just saw you yeah I was like I

gotta jerk off. Someone fucked here I was like I gotta go. You gotta jerk off I know God I know the littlest things and now it's like now it's like the thought of using a condom is like what am I fucking dude I rep.'s like the thought of using a condom is like, what am I fucking, dude? I rep. Do you have sex with a condom? It's like you're having sex with the condom inside the girl. It's like, just go raw, go home.

Like, if you're gonna do it, just do it, dude. If you're scared, don't do it. Yeah, my whole thing is like, you know what, man? Like you wanna go and fucking make a horrible decision and go cheat on your wife. Don't be a pussy about it. Go in, come back with another kid, a disease. You like really get fucking

in there. Yeah. Show your kids that you can overcome anything. And also if you're going to go cheat on your wife and wear a condom, it's like just jerk off, dude. Yes, exactly. Don't have condom sex. It has to be something where it's like. It's got to be cream pie, waitress. Fully dude. And just sit there for like eight months and be like, how am I going to break this door? Yeah, like you have to go through the full spectrum of suffering. Yeah, 100%, man. And then once the kid,

I feel like you almost want there to be a kid as a result of the affair. That way it kinda softens, because then it's like, what are we gonna do? Don't fucking punish this kid. It's what it is, and it's also like, here's the thing. I forgot if it was Giannis or Joe DeRosa. Somebody said something to me, was like,

you go out, you have unprotected sex with a girl, you do the crime, you do the time. What's gonna happen now is you got, your sentence is two to 25 days. In two to 25 days, the disease will pop up or a baby will pop up. So like, or a girl will pop up being crazy. So you do your sentence.

And if you can get through a month, if you can get through a lunar month with no issues. That's what they revolve around. That's what they say. So you do the crime, you do the time. You're not gonna get out of this scot- issues. That's what they revolve around. That's what they say. So you do the crime, you do the time. You're not going to get out of this scot-free. You did the crime. So now it's time to do the time.

You got to do the time. So that's how we'd kind of just calm, we'd calm DeRosa down. He was like, all right, I'm doing my time. And then he would text us like, all right, I'm out. I'm free, baby. That's what you got to do, man. It's fun being a guy. It is it is I would I would not want to people think oh Easier being a woman no sir dude. It's fucking great being a guy

I've literally uh so me and my wife have aura rings they like track your biometrics Oh great, and I can't stop talking about this is like a revelation So we won't we both went to sleep one night at like like 930 p.m. Great night of sleep I woke up my readiness score is like 89% Yeah, got me a little crown above it. I'm like, yeah, thanks. Yeah. My wife slept the same time. Her readiness score was 50% Whoa, this is the period you do it like their body temperature is elevated like they're fucked up man So she woke up not in a good mood then she's not ready terrible mood It's like my 50% is if I'm out like drinking all night

I'm hungover right she did all the right stuff went to bed or all that stuff ate right and she could cut back and go things but But no dude she has she like did everything right it was and then I woke up in the morning 50% I was like your period fucks you up this much. She's like yes That's what it is their heart rates elevated and their body. It's like they have a fucking fever I was gonna say every every month your wife has to take Tylenol I'm sure she feels up. She's got a pop of Tylenol like crackheads with how they take everything you have to because it's crazy Yeah, true imagine every single month. You're just sick like you fucked. Yeah, like fuck fuck, dude

And it's like so that's and then there's like the time leading up to it. You're cramping. Yeah, you're just like fuck You know psychologically gone. Yeah, there're just like fuck. You're psychologically gone Yeah, there's like ten days out of the month. I try to break it down to her like one-third of the month Yeah, you're fucked. That's why like when you see like what Caitlin Clark can do You're like that lady's doing all that on her period most of the time. Yeah, like she's absolutely crushing everyone Yep, not feeling at all with a 40% readiness. I'm like are you talking about her playing basketball or fighting black ladies? all with a 40% readiness. Are you talking about her playing basketball or fighting black ladies? Both. Yeah, both. I think, but it's just like, she just puts it on everyone. Yeah. You know, like guys don't have to do that. Like it's impressive what Steph Curry does, but he's, he's never had to do with bleeding from his dick. True. I didn't think about that playing

with your period. Yeah, they all have to. That would be nice for, if I was a betting man, I would try to get the inside scoop on who was on their period. Yeah, or like just playing, some of them playing, like not even knowing they're pregnant yet and just dealing with like morning sickness and just fucking come every in them and they're just killing it. Do you think that in the team probably syncs up?

So like some teams are, I think if you win the championship, everyone syncs to your period. Dude, so one day, why stay due? So one, I believe that. Yeah. That's what they're playing for. That's what they're playing for. That's what they're playing for. So I remember once I was on a flight from Indianapolis,

I think I was going from New York to Indianapolis. On like, you know, it was like a shitty fucking, like American Airlines, like small shitty plane. And the New York Liberty got on the plane with me. I guess they were playing maybe the Indiana Fever or what? I don't know. And all the women got on the plane,

and they sat in the back of the plane. And the head coach at the time was Bill Lambeer. I don't know if you know Bill Lambeer. He was like the old coach of the Detroit, old player on the Detroit Pistons. And he was just sitting in first class, like laid the fuck out. And the women were like, you could hear some of the women being like mad in the back, like I'm sitting in the fucking back,

Coach is up in the front, but he was just laid out, chilling, legs out, and that got me thinking like, he probably has to deal with like these women syncing up on the appearance, and maybe that was one of those days where he was like, I'm getting the fuck away from these ladies for two hours and I'm just sitting in the fucking plane and not dealing with anything.

He's got an eye mask on. Yeah, yeah. Dude, I would just be, I would be having them dealing not dealing with an eye mask on yeah, yeah Dude, I would just be out having them run suicide so they can't period energy I'd like on the line get out run it out. It's so I mean I well now we're both gonna have to family We have daughters. We're all you know way outnumbered. It's like you know none of my my kids are still too young But when that happens yeah, it's gonna get fucking bad. Oh, it's crazy It's good I had a maintenance guy come up to like my my office apartment and he was like he's like looking around like

Where's your bed and I was explaining I'm like this is what I am for He has two daughters and his daughters are like teenagers Yeah, and he goes bro like for real like you might want to stay here He was like when they always like when the wife and the two daughters sync up and they start he's like bro It's really get out of your house. That's bad. It's like you're not just get out of dude last week You know my daughter's only nine. Like last week, like we were having like a regular day. And I said, and I said to her, I was like, okay.

I was like, she was like, oh, can I, can I have a snack? And I was like, I was like, oh, like mom's going to cook dinner. So like, we'll eat in like an hour, which I've said to her a million times. And she goes, oh, I guess I'm fat then. And then walks up the stairs and slams her door. And her mom was like, she might be on her period. It might be starting. Let me go up there and said to her a million times. And she goes, oh, I guess I'm fat then. And then walks up the stairs and slams her door. And her mom was like, she might be on her period. It might be starting. Let me go up there and talk to her.

And then she talked to her and I don't think, I don't think it happened. Cause they wouldn't. The thing is like what you could tell me that my daughter's on her period. And it's like, what can I actually do? So like, if you just tell me to go to the store and get it, like there's no real,

there's no real reason the mother has to tell the father that their daughter's on their period, because it's like, okay, so what am I going to do for that? Do I want to go on the road? Then like, yeah, just leave. But you can't talk. It can't be like, Hey, how's your period? Yeah.

Yeah. That's all. That's just, yeah, that's mom's stuff. But when she said that to me, like, Oh, I guess I'm fat now. And then slam the door. And I was like, Holy shit, bro. That was like the first instance where I was like, my little kid daughter who's like, you know, was like one of my bros is now like becoming

like a young woman where I'm like, oh shit, like I gotta be careful what I say. Now I gotta be like careful, careful. You know, and she just kind of gets, she gets on me. She's like, why don't you ever hold mom's hand? And I'm like, oh my, what the fuck? That's, yeah. Yeah. So it's gonna happen.

We got in an argument one time and my, I have a two yearyear-old a four-year-old and like I like I was like I went outside and sat on my steps. I was like And they came outside like neighbors outside they both came out. They're like be nice to mommy dad. I'm like Yeah, I know because my daughters don't like it if I like grab my wife and like I'll like I'll give her a big Kiss my one my four year old's like dad stop. He does not like it. Okay. She's like she doesn't like the affection She yeah, she's like come on man. Knock it off. Yeah, I don't know. It's really weird I mean every kid's different maybe when they get older a little bit come on that is funny like hold her hand Yeah, that's enough. Yeah, she's I know I mean

You know and do the drama you're gonna see, like, you know, again, mine's in fourth grade now, the older one, like the girl drama with school. I mean, she's been to two different schools and she's had two mortal enemies that sound like the exact same girl 20 miles away. I'm like, okay, so it's you. It's my kid, that is the problem.

Just fucking causing beef with everyone. But then it's like the girl drama. So it's like, well, you know, like my daughter told me, you know, like, oh, this girl, you know, she's doing this to me, she's doing that to me, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And you know, like, what should I do? And I'm like, well, you know, of course, honey,

like, you know, like just, you know, obviously tell the teacher and, you know, don't get physical, whatever. And then her mom's advice is like, she hits you, you hit her back. You slap her, you pull her fucking hair, do not let that bitch dominate this territory. I'm like, these girls are in fourth grade. But that's how women are.

Women are like, I took it as there was a problem. I'm like, okay, all good. It'll be fine, you'll work it out in school or whatever. And already, my girl was already, had already messaged the school and that kid's mom like we're having a meeting I'm gonna fuck like right like women are and then and now the wind that you know my My kids mom and this girl's mom are like fucking enemies dude at pickup. It's bad And I'm like so now it's one of those things where like women are loyal like that like you fuck with me fuck with the whole

Family where guys I'm kind of more like yeah, we could get into a fist fight and I do your podcast tomorrow. I don't care, we'll just get over it. But women, it's like, that's it. The battlefield's so much more complex. It's like, for real, we do like caveman warfare. They do like modern warfare of like PsyOps. 100% destabilized friend groups. It's really fucked up, dude.

And it gets like really dark. Like they'll like throw a party just so they can take pictures of it and put them out and then not invite one person. the whole thing is just to fuck this one one girl up Yeah, and they can do it and it's just devastating man. Just devastating. I know I know I mean like I feel like you know it's it's it's interesting being around so many like women in in my life because I'm just like Man, like you really if they real they really, if this country elected more women, I think we would actually be a more,

I don't think we even understand how vicious America can be because we haven't had a woman yet. Oh, it's insane, dude, yeah. I mean, Hillary Clinton kind of got the job done. Oh yeah. She was in there doing some stuff. But yeah, it would be, they're so much more vicious. It's like unbelievable.

Yeah, and it's scary, it's terrifying. I think Abraham Lincoln said like, what was it like? I forgot the exact term, but it was like hell has no, something was basically, Like a woman scorned or whatever? Woman scorned is like no, you know, like that is like basically hell, whatever. And I'm like, oh, even he knew and he was gay.

Yeah, true, true. Yeah, well that's a problem with women leaders is you'd have to have like a strong team for that like 10 to 12 day period out of the month where they're completely fucked up. I don't know why we can't face that as a reality. You're powerful as hell, let's just use that as your incubating period, like chill. I just feel bad, why are we acting like this doesn't exist? It's not a slight on them, it's like dude, I would be fucked up too.

Of course dude, even the trauma of childbirth dude, my girl raw dog to childbirths just fucking pushed those fuckers out and then got up and walked. That's crazy. Like a couple of hours later she was walking with no pussy it just fell out. She was just with just an ice pack on it being like all right what are we gonna eat? What do you guys want? You want eggs? Yeah the childbirth, childbirth is a gear you see them in that you're just kind of like what the fuck yes, it's crazy They do have they I think just through nature. They have a more the highest threshold of pain I mean way higher threshold than a man could ever have because I mean think about that once if that happened to you once in Your life and you have to do that. I mean you would die. We would all die talking about your butthole getting this big

That's insane. Even worse if it came out through your penis. That would be sick. Just a finger through your penis. Oh, fuck. Yeah man, so when I see like a, when I saw like the two childbirths, it was like one of those things where I was like, okay,

they are like, they're more powerful, they're stronger, I know physically they're not, but like mentally is the thing and it's like I can't even compete at all. I cannot compete when my girl starts asking me questions. I'm fucked. I tell the truth I'm a truth-teller. I'm like right away. I used to I used to try to lie and then the anxiety and pain I would sit with yeah, well I was like might as well just tell the truth now cuz she actually already knows yeah They're gonna figure it out You can't lie if you think you can't like women they could get away with it so easy

But like you try to lie to a woman. It's like it's they're going to find out Yeah, I just look at you and be like you motherfucker Yeah, I can tell a piece of shit, and they're good like dude They'll like I didn't realize like though even on Instagram like they'll Kind of look at your who's liking one of your things looking at their profile I don't even know how to do that on her. I have no idea if I can access that information on Instagram. And that's a good point. She'll know followers who like something

from weeks and weeks ago, and then has their whole profile locked and loaded. And it's like, oh, did Stephanie go to your show? I'm like, who is that? They're like, oh, well, she has an interest in Austin, Texas. I've seen from her interests on her LinkedIn that I've tracked. So hypothetically it makes sense if she came to your show. I'm like, I don't even know who she's talking about.

You see the person like, damn, she's smoking. Yeah, fuck, dude. This girl's awesome. I saw her pussy in the gym. Thank you for bringing her to my attention. I know. Well, that's the other problem. It's like that's how they go overboard.

It's like, you'll bring up all these girls that I genuinely have no idea who they're talking about I'm not you back. How about you know, did was this girl at your show and then so send a screenshot I'm like no, but then I'll have fucking Steve be like, can you DM this one? Yeah, I mean, you know I just it is complicated it's the most complicated time in like you know In our dad's time. It was like there might have been like two hot ladies you knew of that's it You'd be like damn that lady's fucking hot. Well, we also have access to every woman on the planet I mean don't get you know, don't forget a hundred two hundred years ago

You only knew the people in your village Yeah So if you had you know Hopefully you got the smoke show in your village if you didn't't, you settled for the one, like it kind of looked like her, but you had like a limp. For real, imagine if there's no babes from like birth to death. That's a reality people lived in.

You never saw a babe. Zero babes, unless you had babes in your village. Indeed, a babe in a village was probably crazy. Do you know I read a thing, I forgot, it wasn't in a book, it was like an article, where sex, like how we've kind of like made sex like a sacred taboo thing. Like in the medieval times, like that was sex was because it was so animalistic. Like you would just watch your parents have sex and think of it as like, you know, your dad's doing push-ups or something.

It was just a thing that mom and dad did. They had sex, full bushes. And then you would have sex like in front of your wife's family. Like it wasn't a thing that was taboo at all. I mean, to consummate Kings and Queens marriages, they would have sex in the bed and the wedding party would stand around the bed and just watch this girl get fucked. That's awesome.

Dude, and there's so many fascinating things in history. I read this thing, there's this book called Fucking History. This guy wrote it, he calls himself the Captain. He's a great author. Kyle Creek is his real name, but he's Kyle the Captain Creek. Dude, he wrote this book, Fucking History. It's like one page things where he talks about something from history, but then kind of gives like a modern spin on it. It's fascinating.

I would read like a page a day. I love this guy. And so I read this book about, read one of these pages about France, like mid 1600s, maybe 1500s, France had this thing called, you know, obviously you can't divorce, divorce was like unheard of, guys would just kill their wives. So, but this one town in France, they have,

they're like, you know what, let's do divorce court. They're like, if this lady, you really want a divorce lady? Okay, so they would say, the only way we'll ever grant you a divorce is if your husband can't procreate if he can't get it up and he can't fuck you basically then we're you're good. So what they would do is you would file for divorce and then you would have to go to divorce court and at divorce court you would come out you and your husband would come out and there'd be a row of judges and like noble elites and you'd have to basically bang your wife. And if you couldn't come in, in a lot of time, they grant her a divorce.

That's why it was. Imagine if you jerked off that morning and you're just like, fuck, I forgot. I didn't know it was today. I forgot it was today. Yes, yeah. Or you're just, oh, damn. Yeah, and then you're just gonna get divorced.

But here's the, but the caveat was you could divorce your wife, but then like once she was like, once she was like not your property anymore, you could just kill her with no repercussions. Why? Yeah, you could just murder her like out in the field. Could you fake a cream pie though in court? Be like, oh! No, do they?

It has to be like, let's see. No, they're not a hundred percent. They had people would check to see if that shit's dripping out and you could be like, no, I swear I did. She's got a deep pussy. Yeah, I let it fly, dude. in nine months I promise. I know all that bush to get through. Oh dude it's like a stern judge just scowling at you. Just with his wig on just looking. Trying to fuck your mean wife. Yeah. Who wants to leave you. Who wants to leave you. Yeah so it's

like it's crazy how you know the world used to man. Yeah, that's out of fucking control. Yeah. Yeah, they had to make it sacred because it's just so important though because then having sex leads to creating life and if life's created willy-nilly, then no one's taking care of the kids. It just becomes a fucked up situation.

And at that point, it's like, dude, you need to have kids because I need people on the farm, I need people in the army. We're trying to take over Holland and whatever other country, dude. Yeah, exactly. We gotta do shit. So we need you to start pumping out those babies. And I kinda get how back in the army, we're trying to take over Holland and whatever other country, you know? We gotta do shit, so like we need you

to start pumping out those babies. And I kinda get how like back in the day, if a woman couldn't produce a baby, they're like, well, she's a witch, let's burn her. Like, get her out of here. We don't want any of this, we don't want the other women. Yeah, there were a huge drain on the economy. Oh yeah, big time.

Because you didn't work, so it's like, if you couldn't produce a kid, there were people that would be like, Jesus Christ. Do you ever read that thing about the Salem witch trials where like scientists have went back and think that it was because of a weed that was growing? You ever see that? That's nuts.

It's like ergot. It was like a mold. I think ergot's what we make LSD from, but it's like a mold that was in there and it fucked the whole town. The whole town, it fucked the witches up. I get scared about that. I think about that.

I'm like, dude, that could happen. That would be terrifying. Because why couldn't that happen today? I mean, and you just wouldn't know about it. Yeah, you'd get a little. Dude, scared about that. I think about that. I'm like, dude, that could happen. That would be terrifying. Cause why couldn't that happen today? I mean, and you just wouldn't know about it. Yeah. Like, you know, like, dude, we might, we probably start tripping every now and again off like food supply stuff.

Oh, a hundred percent. I mean, yeah. I've ever like, you know, like I've, I got into really into like intermittent fasting, which I got to start, I kind of kind of lean back off now because I posted a video of me the other day trying to promote my shows in Texas.

And all you fuckers told me I had small calves. And I looked and they kept telling me that I skipped leg day, and I'm too skinny. I have a big head fuck you Dude, it's like it's like your damn. I'm trying to get healthy here and like you're still shitting on me I balked I like started lifting and eating a lot and then someone hit me with a comment like when the bulk becomes A hulk and I like I was free like I got like a real pot belly like I got fat still right now But could you look it's going leaner now. I did it too. They fast I got rid of it I got like a real pot belly like I got fat still right now, but could you look it's gone leader now I did it too day fast. I got rid of it. I got crushed I was like bulking bulking and then I just I was like, oh damn it. I'm fat So I had to like bulk it I got up to like 196 and that's like a what are you now?

I'm like 186 now Oh 10 pounds makes a difference. Yeah, and dude, you got the back. That's what you do A lot of back. Yeah, I do a lot I do a lot of lifting a lot of back all that stuff So you lift heavy when you lift not too crazy. I would I don't lift heavy, but I just kind of focus on the exact muscle group. So I don't want to hurt myself. But it's all time under tension. The weight doesn't matter that much. We were talking about that yesterday.

You'd rather have Joe DeRosa, we were in his apartment yesterday, and he goes, I don't go to the gym. I just work out here. I was like, OK, what do you do? He goes, three times a week, I do 40 go to the gym. I just work out here. I was like, okay, what do you do? He goes, uh, three times a week. I do 40 push-ups, 40 curls and 40 squats. It was like, like, like sets of 40. He goes, no, I just do four.

I do, I do three, four sets of 10. I was like, are you an old lady? He's working out like a guy from like 1942. He said, he told me, he goes, he goes, I have no desire to have an a plus body. I'm happy with a C minus body that I just don't want it to be a D or an F. So that's what he does. That's what he does. But, but, but we were telling him like, dude, you only have 20 pound dumbbells. I was like, if you just change that to forget about the number and you just did one minute, like slow curls time under tension, you'd

be a f*****g monster. Yeah. But he's like, I don't want to do it. Yes. I'm like, if you took, you, you take 45 minutes to do this bull I'm like, if you took, you take 45 minutes to do this bullshit, but if you took 15 minutes and just did the timer detention, you'd have a better workout and less time. I know people who do that, the same thing. They always have those weights filled with sand. What are you doing?

No, but that's, yesterday we went to the gym and I was just doing like six seconds down, hold it for two, and then explode up, six seconds, and explode up sick and I was doing that fucking set all you need to do Yeah, you know I don't need to do heavy weight. I end up hurting myself. No no tongue-wrench attention. That's the move Yep, what the hell was it what we were talking about something before that though Oh, yeah, the witch trial and then hitting like eating the bread that fucked them eating the bread that fucked them up But then there was something else damn it and then we start we started talking about the gym. Yeah, fucking in front of the judge. Fucking in front of the judge. But there was something

I think we were going to talk about with the witch trials that I thought, I don't know, I don't remember. I don't remember. Yeah, you were saying you could kill women. If a woman divorced you, you can kill her. Witch trials. We just got in again. We got too enthusiastic. Did you work out yet today? No. I took two days off. So I had a stomach virus

and it just crushed my appetite, and then I the day after I didn't I didn't Eat for two straight days zero we puking or shitting. I didn't puke or shit, but it felt like I had a puke Okay, so it was like I held it in I hate throwing up dude I will not I'll go like so I just laid there like supremely nauseous Right like a day then fasted the whole next day So I did like a 48 hour fast and then like but I know you're supposed to like, you know, break it in softly I just fucking like pigged on like fucking like potatoes I know with like queso

I just I shouldn't have done it and then my stomach was fucked up from that for like two days, of course Dude, I so I lost like ten fucking you haven't eaten in like a week really I haven't had a lot of food in like about a week, but now and you're gonna up today though. Today I'm gonna fuck shit up actually no I have to do several podcasts today but Right. Tomorrow dude actually gonna fly tomorrow dude Thursday afternoon I'm gonna absolutely fuck shit up. Where you going this weekend? Cleveland no yeah I'm going to Hilarities Cleveland. I love Hilarities you've been there before right? No. No? First time. Oh this is your first time on the road going through everything pretty much like headlining on your own. Oh, this is your first time on the road going through everything, pretty much, like headlining on your own.

Pretty much. This is the first I started, like, last year. Yeah. Because I did a whole stretch of shows, and then I did that one special. So this is like, I'm still, there's still a lot of clubs that are new to me. So yeah. Hilarities is awesome, dude. I heard it's really good.

Dude, you talk about eating. You want some of the best comedy club food in the country, dude. Brick oven pizzas, they bring out, yeah, the owner's great. Sam, Nick, the food that they bring out the owners, great, Sam, Nick, the food that they bring out is old school Greek guy. They fucking bring out whatever you want, dude. It's amazing. And it's got like the beautiful comedy club. It's like, you know, balcony. And then they got like a cabaret room in the back. That's one of those clubs. Like whatever you want, they'll look it up.

That's cool. I'm excited. Yeah, good people. And then you stay at the hotel you stay at. You're probably staying at the hotel that the comedy club gives you. I think so. Dude, it's like the first indoor arcade, like what they used to call like a mall, I think in America. So like it's one of those hotels

where like you open up like your door, but you're like inside, like on this elevated, like you can like look down in like an indoor courtyard. It's a sick hotel. That's awesome. But it's crazy when you go to Cleveland you'll see like the block where the Comedy Club is and where your hotel is is there's three blocks I think it's called East 4th Street that is all of Cleveland. Yeah. And then on everywhere

else is like there's nothing happening at all it's just cracked. Yeah. Everywhere. But that block where you are that's all you got to do. That's like Indianapolis. I was in Indianapolis. I stayed across the street from the Pacers Arena, Yep. Fever Arena as well. Yeah, true. And then it was just that little square. And the rest of it, I was like, yeah. Indianapolis is one, like, you know,

I love any American city, but that's one of those ones where I'm like, you know what, guys? Like, I don't know, dude, I've been here a couple of times. Every time it kind of just feels worse and worse for me. And I just, I don't know, man, like if it comes up on the schedule, I'm like, I'll do it, but it's gotta be quick. It's gotta be quick.

You gotta just get me in there, get me in, if the show's at seven, get me on a 6 p.m. flight, we'll land, we'll do it, we'll get out. I gotta do it like a fucking bombing run. Yeah, it is, it does have a kind of a depressing vibe. Yeah. Those of you who are used to like a booming metropolitan area, like, just the food options and stuff

That's kind of you know, I don't want to snob on people's town, but it's like no Yeah, but I will because I am a snob about that kind of stuff But yeah, you get there and you're like dude. This is your uber eats. Yeah, it's bad bro Like yeah, someone opened one fucking restaurant dude, dude, Steve. Chikoni rice roni last night Uber eats something. What was the place called? Jew Jew burger? Oh, yeah Jew boy burgers. Yeah, and then Jew boy burgers They drop the the burgers off in the wrong elevator shaft so this kid have to get fucking Wendy's What did you wait a jujube? Where did that jujube leave these burgers?

You control the burgers in Austin you can say that for sure so you've had you boy burger haven't had it yet, but you've heard of it Yeah, I'm waiting for the whole stuff to settle down in the Middle East I've heard of it. I haven't had it yet. Dude, but that's crap. What a crazy net I guess the owners Jewish I mean that'd be funny if it's a Palestinian guy that owns it Yeah, it's gotta be it's gotta be a Jew boy two boy burgers Yeah, it's interesting. I heard they're good. Unless they're hitting you with that kosher shit. You can't have cheese, right?

Yeah, I think you can. I went to a kosher burger place one time. I didn't know what kosher was, and I was like, yeah, if I remember a burger, he's like, yeah, we can't do cheese. And I was kind of like, bro, this is what people are talking about. Dude, I know. Dude, well, a lot of times, growing up in New York and Brooklyn area, we have the Hasidic Jewish population.

Like most people don't even know what Brooklyn area it's like, you know We have the Hasidic Jewish population like most people like don't even know like what that like do that There's a wild population like they're their own kind of group. They don't let anybody in or out they're kind of like the Amish but like Jewish people like running around like there's parts of Brooklyn like huge parts of Brooklyn that like Note none of us and if you're not Hasidic Jew, you've never seen it and you can't go in It's like kind of wild like you didn't grow up around any Hasidic Jews in Philly. No, we got them everywhere, dude. Yeah, we didn't really have. I grew up in the suburbs of Philadelphia

and I for real didn't know Jewish people existed until I was in college. People were like all the Jews and I was like, God, what are you talking about? Like Jewish people and I'm like, what are you saying? What does that mean? I thought they were just in the Bible. I didn't know.

Like when I saw it and I was like, oh shit, okay. Yeah, and it's kind of funny, like the kind of subtle racism that like the old school people would have like I'm grandpa like You know, I remember like we would like always like go like on the BQE Brooklyn, Queens Expressway We would always like go, you know Like this one route where he would like take side streets and then get on the highway and get off and I remember one time I asked him I was like, why do you why don't we just like stay on the highway? He's like, I mean so why do we get off those side streets and he was like, oh because if I stayed on the highway and get off. And I remember one time I asked him, I was like, why don't we just like stay on the highway? He's like, I mean, so why do we get off those side streets? And he was like, oh, because if I stayed on the highway,

then it makes you get off and then you gotta go through the Hasidic Jewish neighborhood and we don't wanna do that. So I was just like, what? Okay. He didn't wanna see it. He was like, yeah, I'm not driving through that, that's their neighborhood. And I'm like, do you not?

Yeah. Like I kind of almost felt like, you know, like, do you hate them? Are you scared of them? Like what is it? But it is what I said fuck with each other when they first came here was very much like that's your people These are my people that's how they live it and with the civic Jewish population. It's not that it's not that we're racist again They don't want us involved so they hate us like they they do not want you even around them It will kind of crushes their vibe.

Right. Because if you're not wearing the clothes, I would feel kind of dumb. I know. Well, they look exactly the way they dress is how they dressed a hundred years ago. It's like the same. That's kind of dope. You could just drop in like, you know, 200 years from now, we're going to look like fucking idiots. But like, it'd be cool if like we dropped in 200 years later and we kind of have the same shit going on. Yeah, froze like jeans in a t-shirt. It's like this is what we're doing. What it is do now on. Yeah

I'm still just sitting here balling out to fucking Daryl and oats Dude, I don't want to hold you up man. All right, I'm 45 already. How long did we do now? In the hair do the hair looks clean great man, dude. I'm the people your fans are gonna shit on me Dude, I'll fucking fistfight any any one of these fans talk shit about my hair come to any of my shows check my schedule Christie comedy comm and fucking say it to my face and fight me at the meet-and-greet. That's what I'm talking about Thanks for doing this. Thank you, bro