Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 523 - Shirtless Workers (feat. Ralph Barbosa)

Episode Date: October 23, 2024

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Support Ralph @ https://www.barbosacomedy.com/ Go See Matt in Milwaukee this weekend Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Get Merch @ mssecretpodcast.com/merch Yooo0o0oo. Hope everyone is having a good week. Here's this week's cast for you guys. Cusky held it down with the good broski Ralph Barbosa. Steamin hot cast. PLease enjoy.  God Bless. ps - we may be putting out another ep later this week :) This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/MSSP and get on your way to being your best self. The Mountain is calling, you should answer #DoTheDew #MTNDEW Shop now @ https://lets.shop/2141/dothedew

Hell yeah, dude. Roll it. Hold on. I've got to show off the hat. Yeah, flip that thing around. This took like a good hour. Hour of work here. Damn, you stopped at the Bass Pro?

Yeah. Oh, you got the ass pro. Damn. You scratched off the beat. You did a clean job, too. Oh, yeah. Well, I didn't do it. My sister did.

But it took like an hour. Your sister hooked you up? Yeah. Was it her idea, or did you be like you? Obviously, yeah, I bought I bought like five of these two in case I fucked up So I keep trying but I just I asked my sister to do it and she got it on her first try really Yeah, clean man. I keep bumping this table. So I'm good bro. Damn. That's fucking sick. Yeah, man I had a vision and she executed it. I

You're good bro. Damn. That's fucking sick. Yeah, man. I had a vision and she executed it I know I don't people have done these before but I just I finally have mine, you know, yeah exactly This is like my greatest possession now. That's your logo the ass pro shop That's what I'm gonna call my strip club when I own one you want to own a strip club Yeah, I think that'd be cool. I just wouldn't run it. Yeah, just own it. Yes. Enjoy it Every time I've seen a guy who runs a strip club. It's like he has muscles. Yeah, and he's usually like Eastern European Yeah, yeah, I used to deliver beer to a strip club So when I was younger and it was like it's pretty rugged man, they got the money counters going looks cool Yeah, the money counters, but they do look pretty beaten down and that's cuz dude imagine that's your workforce

Yeah, you gotta keep you know I'm gonna manage some pretty wild women. I don't know. I think maybe I could do it though I probably just have to start doing a lot of cocaine Yeah, would you are you worried that you might kind of like simp out to all the strippers working for you? No, I would simp I would yeah, dude if I had like 12 strippers I had to maintain I would simp if I had 12 I'd sent to maybe two The other one we get the other ones would get jealous the rest I would treat so badly yeah This always been a dream of mine to just be like a horrible person like a horrible pimp, you know

Yeah, true. I watched like movies where they or what was that show? Did you watch that show with? By the way, Ralph Abosa. Thanks for doing the podcast. I'm terrible at introducing people. No problem. Let's talk about pimping though Yeah, yeah, what's that? What's that show with James Franco and What was it? The Deuce. Yeah. Yeah, that was good. Yeah and the show the pimps outside target. Mm-hmm Well, that show made pimping look so so cool Every show makes it look so cool. But why is it such a frowned upon? I guess because they treat women so badly Yeah, like real bad. Do you ever read ice? icebergs slim almost called him iced tea every icebergs limbs autobiography I bought the book and then I read like within the first chapter. I think the first chapter made me cry. Yeah, dude

It's so sad I couldn't read on anymore. You got a you got to get cold man. Strengthen up that pimping though I feel like that's like, you know, depending on where your state of mind is that iceberg slim book could be like Somebody's 48 laws of power exactly. Yeah, it can really get you although dude I don't know if anyone is built for that If you got to find like a girl down on her luck, and then you gotta convince her to go fuck guys for you for money. People don't get mad if you pimp men. No.

Like, if you think about a good leadership, that's just being a good pimp. True. This is working your men, you know, and making them productive, getting in their head to make them the most productive. Yeah, nobody talks about the pimps of male prostitutes Are there pimps or like a male prostitutes just cowboys or like are they arranged by like a strong domineering man? He like slaps them. This is some Somebody who goes and slaps the old lady who doesn't want to pay

Well male prostitutes pretty much only have sex with men What male prostitutes have sex with men? Yeah dude that's like 95% of what they do. I thought I because I thought about becoming a male prostitute when I was in college. I actually put out an ad on Craigslist being like yo I'm open for business. My friend told me he's like dude male prostitutes. Okay if you're going off like Craigslist data. I'm telling you I think the real data is it's like prostitutes men and women prostitutes like like 99, well women prostitutes 99.9 if not 100% of the time serve as men and male prostitutes also overwhelmingly serve as men.

I guess that makes sense. I mean women get to choose most of the time who they want to bang, you know? Exactly, so they're not calling, I mean I think maybe like there's that whole idea there's like gigolos that have sex and it's I think it's like so rare Like there's that whole idea there's like gigolo's and have sex and it's I think it's like so rare Because I thought I'd be out there just like banging fucking horny rich milfs And it was just I got no I got literally got no you got no response Not even for men not even for men. That's gotta hurt. It did hurt dude. It did not even the men. But dude there We took my in college. I took my roommates number and I used like a prank I would do on people I would put them on like Craigslist

Personals and just kind of like let give them their number and I used like a prank I would do on people I would put them on like Craigslist Personals and just kind of like let give them their number and they get like weird phone calls And I put my roommates number up with this like story about how he was like a young gay college man It was like looking for an older more experienced man because like these younger men didn't know His I like hit publish his phone rang off the hook for like for real like 12 hours damn Him what does he do now? He's an accountant. He's an accountant. He went for that He was pissed he found out what I did to him and he was like don't ever do that ever even as a straight dude I think knowing I could have had that much business as a

Bro, it did and I built a nice narrative though I was like I'm a young man looking for an older gay man who knows what he wants and I was like I'm a young man looking for an older gay man who knows what he wants and Non-stop well, I do could have killed it and you could have just pimped them. That's what I'm saying Make some money. I should we should had I should have had more of a business mind about it man Cuz I could have put him out there and made a lot of money on him. I think that um like and this is sound I what do you call it this is very dude dude ish, maybe it's like misogynistic, but whoever started strip clubs, like, man,

like I got, like hats off to that guy. Cause this guy saw women, or who knows, I don't know history that well, could have been a male strip club, the first one, right? But this guy saw- Greeks, yeah, thank you Greeks. This guy saw somebody and was like oh Man that like that's hot like actually moves right and then he noticed that other guys also like that and he's just like

People will pay money for this yeah like let's put this in a building Yeah, cuz it was brothels and yeah some guy was like oh hold on no no no don't fuck these guys like well You kind of can if they're you know if you figure out something, but guy was like, yo, hold on. No, no, no. Don't fuck these guys. Like, well, you kind of can if we figure out something. But it was like, yeah, just have them dance. Good idea. Make more money after the temptation. Yeah. And then, all right, so then you're a strip club owner,

right? I wonder when the first strip club happened. Or like what? I'd be curious too. 1800s? I'm guessing, I think so. Some sort of version of it? Was brothels.

I feel like they're probably kind of modern. It went from brothels to strip clubs? I think, although people always had dancing girls. So I don't know, like when's the first one who kind of like industrialized the dancing girls? Yo, 1947. Alright, so 1947, right? Pretty recent. From 47 to like 48, 49, 50s, you know, you got your successful strip clubs here and there, right? And you're a business mongo. You're just this titan in the strip club industry and you're looking for the next best thing,

the next best stripper. And out of nowhere, you see a woman twerk. Whoa, that's gotta be like seeing the first Alley-oop. True, true. That is big, big holy fuck, I didn't think about that. Sky sees a woman twerk. Do you think strip clubs were like, in America, they were like mostly like, almost like the sports were like very white and then like black ladies and other ladies

like hit the strip clubs and everyone was like, what the fuck? Yeah, I think that was, I think probably when black ladies hit strip clubs, that was when like black dudes hit the NBA It's the same time and everyone's like what all the white women were like fuck She's taking all our fucking tips like I can't even do that thing that she's doing and they're just humping the ground trying to Tor yeah, man. That must have been kind of crazy. I can't imagine what it would have been a strip club at 1940 would have been

1947 1950 would have been crazy. I think I think it was crazy to think of like, how did twerking even start? And I know somebody's gonna hear this and be like, this is such a dude conversation, but like I said, maybe a man first twerked. True, true. Maybe it was a man they were trying to tame at first and draft to their strip club.

But like, how do you even think of that? How do you first, it's actually, I would imagine Black Ladies started it. And it's like, because I feel like they did it back in the juvenile videos in the early 2000s. I mean, they were definitely the ones with the goods. Yeah, true. White Ladies just figured out kind of how to do it.

Yeah, I've watched old movies, like you're seeing Roadhouse. Yeah, I have, like like old movies like you're seeing Roadhouse Yeah, I have yeah, and you remember that girl who like she's like the girlfriend of what's his name the bad guy I remember his name. Yeah, I remember Patrick Swayze is a good guy It was one of those movies I saw too where I kind of was like in and out of it But the young watch the young blonde chick. She's like the hot chick of the whole movie and she's like dancing all sexy She doesn't twerk once not that was the sexiest of dancing at those times. I imagine.

It was, it was. It was like a skinny white lady with a flat butt kind of just like sliding up and down. There was no acrobatics to it. Yeah, and then I don't know. I don't know if it was just like the 90s or somewhere. Would you say with juvenile, right? Early 2000s, late 90s.

Black ladies just changed the game. They really did take over and I'm just glad that like well I don't know. I haven't done too much research on it But I'm just glad that nobody's ever tried to stop other races from twerking You know, this is very touching these days the cultural appropriation. Yeah stealing culture vulture and whatnot Mm-hmm, but that one right there is like. That's a gift, yeah, that's a gift to humanity. Yeah, you can't guard that. Yeah.

I agree. And yeah, I feel like, I don't know, I feel like black ladies kind of like if anyone tries to twerk, even a white lady, they'll kind of encourage her. I've seen, they might laugh and kind of tease a little bit, but just a little hazing. Yeah.

So they're very, they'll give up the goods. They'll teach you how to do it. Bro. If you want to learn, they will teach you. I don't want to learn, but onto, you know, we're talking about like business entrepreneurs and stuff. I might be able to start like the first school of twerking. I'm sure there has to be one by now already.

Maybe you can start it up. You can run it. Yeah, I can have one. There's probably not many of them. No, yeah, there's like pole dance classes. Have you started like a straight-up twerking class? Yeah, it's got like a nice gentrified neighborhood. Yeah, you would get it You'd have you might have to like soften the blow by being like we're a pole dancing place But we have a twerking class within that I'll be like there's no men here. It's like contactless boxing You receive there's boxing men here. It's like contactless boxing. You

ever see there's boxing classes where they just train but they never fight. Yeah. So I was like there's no penises around just come and twerk. And you know just so we don't get canceled we'll have to probably take on a few men as clients but. You would. They would hit. There's always like two guys and like a. I don't mind watching two three guys shake their asses as long as it comes with like the business of all these other women shaking their asses. That's what I'm saying Yeah, it'd be good for you kind of having like two guys there. I'd imagine they'd be gay guys, too That'd be good. Maybe Probably most definitely I can see the ad for it now like the commercial

It's just like like a successful stripper like a bunch of money down her waistline. She's just twerking She's like, thanks Ralph Barovos of the school Oh, you're going like more technical school. Yeah. Oh, I like that. And then the guy she's dancing on is also like and thanks for me too, Ralph Yeah, if you're gonna go the vocational route do you what do you think about I don't know the legality of this but doing like kind of like a In school like taking it to the high schools that way they get like the best shot Like the economic advantage you see well, that's the beginning of my downfall my business

Something you understand in the weirdo who wants to get high school girls like hey How about you put on this cheerleading outfit while you do it talking about no I would look I didn't want to do that But I'm saying if you're saying going vocational like, look, I didn't want to do that, but I'm saying, if you're saying going vocational, like they have like, you know, you can learn to be, you know, like a hairdresser, like take these vocations, these like true vocations. No, you must be at least 21. You could keep the safety gloves on. You could be like fully clothed, you know, like it's kind of doing like Pilates, just

getting them ready, just building them up. I don't want to do this business no more. You've ruined my American dream. I didn't say you should. I was saying what if. I don't want to do this business no You've ruined my American dream I didn't say you should I was saying what if I wouldn't that'd be crazy just wanna own your magic Could you imagine the weird illegalities and gray areas you'd get into well, yeah never mind I'm glad you poke the hole in this Dream this no you know you can still do it you just gotta stay out of the schools the hole in this dream this no you know you can still do it you just gotta stay out of the schools college you can get an elective in college that'd be cool

no I'm done I'm done I'm just gonna go to a strip club enjoy that there is something very nice about just giving a beautiful woman money just being like here I want you to have this yeah you're beautiful and you're naked and I think you should have I work hard for this and I really want you to have it It's easy to give money to people when they're naked. Yeah, even homeless people. You're gonna make a naked homeless guy approach you You're just like bro. Take it. Yeah, get out of fuck off Yes, I saw a lady walking down the street. I don't think she was homeless But it was like this Indian lady just had her tits out

They're walking down the street smiling just kind of like I think she was making like a statement There's a big like women's liberation movement where they should be able to show their tits in public. That's a liberation movement Yeah, cuz it's like dude you think about how unfair that is dude. We can take our shirts off in public We can yeah, dude. Yes, you can wait like you anywhere to like it to a certain degree I'm pretty sure if I walk into CVS they're gonna be like, whoa, what the fuck you doing, bro They will but if you can walk down the street Yeah, you can work a construction job You can be a roofer and have your shirt off all day a woman can never take her shirt off

You can't take your shirt off during a construction job. Yes, you can no you cannot how many guys work shirtless? When's the last time you worked construction? I grew up working construction. I did it my whole life. This isn't like a YMCA video like Dudes do it there's roofers that are just I think now there's a lot of safety in construction now But back in the day there were dudes in like the early 90s and 80s who didn't wear a shirt every day look, bro Maybe you grew up in this shirtless America of men But I'm telling you right now it's dying out it is dying out. Women might as well not even fight for it either. Why? And then we're not even gonna like...

You ever go a long time without seeing boobs and then you see boobs? You're gonna lose that excitement because there's gonna be everywhere. That's true. I'll tell you what's gonna happen. That's true. Women's liberation, they're gonna liberate

a whole bunch of male, what do you call it? You can't get hard. Yeah, ED. ED, erectile dysfunction. That's how that, that's, to me, women's liberation just equals erectile dysfunction. I think you're so right, yeah. And as Republican as that sounds,

I just want people to know I haven't voted, so don't start thinking but. No, come on. I know what you're saying, this goes beyond politics. If you're seeing titties all day every day, it does fucking... And also the bra like protects them. Yeah. It fights gravity for a while. Imagine all the mosquitoes and bug bites you're gonna have on your boobs. It's gonna be rough.

You're destabilizing. To see a lady with just her tits out in public, I was like, what the fuck? It's crazy. If you imagine that times 40, it's like my days out. You're living in a different world now. But I'm not at the same time. I'm not like totally, totally against it. There should be like an assignment from birth. Like there's a certain percentage of all men and a certain percentage of all women should be assigned to be shirtless in life. I like this. And if they want it, if they want shirts, they gotta petition for it, file paperwork and stuff, you know?

Or if people who do our shirts in the world and they wanna become skins, they also gotta do the paperwork. True, they can go back and forth. Yeah. Damn, that'd be sick if you had a skins family. There should be just random rules like that on this. I would like that.

Just random, and then you know there'll be like movements for it. They'll be like I don't want to be a skin ever again. There's people that be like we should all be skins like skin, skin America like. Yeah true that would be shirts and skins would be a great move. I used to always love when I played basketball and I get called like my half of the team like you guys are skins I'd be like yes. Hell yeah. I love that shit. Yeah're in a pinny. I'd be like come on man. That shit sucks. You play basketball growing up Yeah, we play we play a lot at a school elementary school near my house. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah there's like a lot of Older dudes like like when we're in we're maybe like 10 12

There's a lot of teenagers that would come from the apartments down the street, though, and just kind of like take over. Yeah. Yeah, but I got pretty good, so I got to like stay with my friends. They sucked. They had to go. Yeah.

I mean, we were all Mexican, me and my friends, and so, I mean, there wasn't much skill there anyway. Yeah, yeah. But I was probably the most skilled of Mexicans. I don't know if that makes me the least Mexican of them, because I was the only one good at basketball. Yeah, you don't see a lot. You don't see a lot of Mexican basketball players. You don't know if that makes me the least Mexican of them. Is that I was the only one good at basketball? Yeah, you don't see a lot. You don't see a lot of Mexican basketball players. You don't, yeah, but I got to stay. I was never that good at soccer though. Really? Yeah.

And that, yeah. Well, yeah, you're playing basketball. Totally different thing. But I had a very, what do you call it? Like head first mentality. So like if I did go play soccer, I wasn't afraid to kind of just dive for shit. Just run in there. You had afirst, yeah it's literally headfirst mentality. Literally headfirst yeah. Damn so you were just like just jumping in you didn't give a fuck. Yeah. You should have played football. Bro anytime the soccer ball came to me I just kicked the shit out of it. That's a good move. Yeah yeah. Did you play defense or

offense or like just ripped? I don't know man. Yeah you guys went at it. That's a good move just to kick the ball as hard as you can. Yeah. I tried to sign up for football once, but man, my coach, I mean, he was right. But I was in the seventh grade, and at the end of the school year, they let you sign up for eighth grade football.

And my PE coach was like, hell no. He let you do it. Yeah, because I was like kind of a troublesome kid in his class. Yeah, yeah. I would never dress out for PE. Like when they made us wear like shorts and shirts and stuff. I would like sometimes change or I'd wear like- You wouldn't get changed?

Yeah. I just like, because we'd be dumb. We'd wear like the shorts, but then not the shirts. We'd still wear like our school polo. Yeah, yeah. Or sometimes we'd just take off like the polo, just wear a white tee. And they're like, all right, we changed, but we just take off like the polo, just wear a white tee and they're like, oh, we changed, but we just want to hurry up

and start playing, whatever. Somebody one time just gave me like a lot of dice. I don't remember how I got it. It was like a box of dice, all wrapped in little plastic bags like they sell them or something. And so I started bringing them to school and one of the kids taught us how to shoot dice. and uh, yeah the coach caught us with those a couple times

He was just like man like the fuck is y'all's problem It was the fuck you guys doing Not taking off the shirt would drive me crazy if I was doing a gym class and you put on the shorts I'm like bro, why won't you put your fucking shirt on? What is this? I think we just like being trolls It is fun I was very bad in school especially health health classes I said the teacher I had I had older brothers and my older brothers like Do that guy's a fucking bitch fuck that guy so I went in like I'm gonna fuck this guy Yeah, yeah, I did I would fuck with him. I went to an all-boys Catholic high school

So we would like be in the life. This is how this is fucked up. We'd be noticing that there's like a Heavy man pattern in your life Oh, yeah, heavy men smell prostitution shirtless male it's just mad, dude. It's so I'm so mask. It's crazy. I'm so masculine Catholic male school all boys, you know fucked up. It is to like separate a young boy from women for like four years Basically, that's horrible. It's weird, dude. What did you do to deserve that, you know? I don't know. And then did you have sisters?

Yeah I did, I had two little sisters. And then how many brothers? I have two older brothers and one little brother. Okay, male dominated siblings. Yeah my dad's one of 10, mostly men as well. Did you, in health class, did they ever give you guys the baby to take care of? No bro, no I went to all boy school.

That's very realistic then. They're like like there's a fucking woman's job. Like, how would we give you guys that? No, we never had that dude But we had a our gym teacher who was also the health teacher would come When we were getting changed and he'd be like he would be like you guys gotta get naked and hit the shower And I'd always be like I'm not getting naked and getting the fucking shower. I'll just be sweaty. Yeah, it's pretty intense It was really intense. Yeah, it was really intense, but what he would do when the prayer would come on Everyone have to stop what they're doing so when the prayer came on I would just pull my pants down a little bit and just show my ass

My ass out for the prayer every time he'd be I'd be like dude you told me to stop I was getting naked hit the shower So mad wait how often would you guys pray? It would like come on I think in the beginning of every period like some different like prayer would come on you have to stop for it And they would do like a it's gotta be weird if it comes on while everybody's in the showers. Yeah, that would be nuts Yeah, I don't know. I don't know much about Catholic school though It was just kind of was like it was they stopped hitting kids like when I was in like first grade

As they that's where they fucked up up Yeah, they should have kept it up Did they hit you in kindergarten? I got smacked by a principal once And then I had a- actually I had a priest in high school who hit my head into a chalkboard What? And I had said something about his name He was kinda like fucking around Actually it turned out he actually had some pretty heavy charges against him later on for uh

Kid stuff but Beating up kids? No, for loving them too much Diddlin? Yeah, loving them Damn much Diddlin? Yeah loving them Damn He had a hate love relationship with the kids but he had a niece and I remember his niece

was like our age and I kept saying I was like bringing his niece to the prom I didn't know the lady but I was like I'm gonna bring your niece to the prom and give her ecstasy I didn't I didn't even know what ecstasy was Bro that's But I like said it to the priest This sounds like a good time He grabbed my head it was awesome dude all boys school was fun as shit imagine I mean like taking the niece to the priest. This sounds like a good time. He grabbed my head. It was awesome. Dude, all boys school was fun as shit. Imagine the girls are-

I mean like taking the knees to the prom. I know. On the ex. I know. They're like, I wanna teach your knees how to twerk. Yeah, true. It's like, fucking what is that? He literally grabbed my head and went bonk into the chalkboard and I was like, alright, alright, my bad.

Damn. I deserve that. Yeah, I would teach you some respect, bro. It did. I grew up getting hit. So it was like, you know. Where is this at? This was outside of Philadelphia. Oh shit., this was an actually I went to school in Wilmington, Delaware Okay, okay, but you guys were holding down the front no shirts You guys who's you guys your school?

I'm saying your school your the thing you did your teacher was not well. I mean we had shirts We just didn't have like the the shirt you wouldn't put on the shirt. That's what I'm saying. Yeah Yeah, I'm saying I'm just trying to bring the car back to you. I don't like you picturing me shirtless as a kid man. I'm not picturing you shirtless as a kid. You got issues bro. No, I'm saying you guys wouldn't wear the gym shirt. Sometimes. I'm picturing you in a polo buttoned up to the top your hair combed over like an angel. Yeah, I'm just like in a little polo and then some shorts. What else were you at it? Like what else did you do that? What was like the worst thing you did as a kid? One time I broke into a house. Did you really? Yeah.

What'd you do? So it was like me and a couple kids that I went to middle school with, we skipped school one day. And we just, we broke into a dude's house that my friend said he knew. Supposedly it was his buddy. I was like, I don't wanna hang out with you anymore after the day that you- He's broken into his friend, you take anything?

Nah, supposedly that guy had weed in there and I guess in my mind I was like, oh, we'll take the weed and then we'll be rich. I don't know how much weed went for, I was like 12 or 13, I was just like, a lot. We're gonna be like, what's that? We're going to be like that movie, Blow. I just kept imagining that.

And we looked around in there, but I started feeling really weird being in there. And then they called me to the kitchen. They're like, yeah, yo, come over here. And I went over there and like, we weren't, I didn't grow up like poor or nothing, but for some reason I had never seen Nutella before and none of my friends had either.

Yeah. And so they were like, look at this, like try it. And so we discovered Nutella, we were just like, oh shit, like this is good. That's huge. Yeah, and so we just sat there eating like Nutella with like their bread or like their Nutella snack packs. And we heard somebody getting home.

How'd you get in first of all? Before you, I don't want to go. I actually found a way in through the back. Oh, nice. Yeah, my friend was like, most of the time, front doors just open in some of these houses. This guy had a MO. And I was like, well, I'll try the back.

Because I used to get locked out of my house a lot so I figured out little ways and Um I was like this window reminds me of my window, you know, yep, but yeah, I just pulled up on you. Yeah um, I heard people get in there and I always This is like dumb because I always thought like this was like an act of bravery I got deserve some sort of medal but then at the end of days like this was like an act of bravery. I deserve some sort of medal.

But then at the end of the day, I was just the bravest criminal that day. But when we're in the kitchen eating the Nutella and I heard somebody approaching the door, I ran to the front door to like lock it. And I locked them out of their house. Yeah. Because they had a deadbolt. Yeah. And my friends ran to the back door.

Like, it just was a, like, we just froze, looked at each other, and then everybody ran. There was like three or four friends that ran out the back. So I ran and I locked the door. And then I ran out the back and I closed the back door so hard that it didn't even, like, close. Yeah, it just bounced. Yeah.

Yeah, because it was like a sliding door. So it just, like, slid and then, boom, like, slid back open. And I just ran for my life. And I was just so scared. Yeah, it was like a sliding door. So it just like slid and then boom like slid back open And I just ran for my life and I was just so scared. Yeah, dude. Yeah, that's what the day I realized like I'm a little bitch like I'm not cut out for Just all their bread just crushed and the Nutella out there probably like what the fuck man So we went to my buddy's house who live not too far from there and we take little peaks where we'd walk down to that street Just to see if like there's cops. Yeah, but they never caught the cops I think whoever there was just like fucking the raccoons

Had kids burglarized me one time where I was like Living in this house in West Philly is a bad neighborhood and I didn't have like a back door on the house there was just this like I don't know if you how to describe it like you know in stores and they have like a It's like a gate, but it's like it's just like metal slats against each other like crisscrossed Yeah, it's supposed to be like outside of a door It was just that so like I had that thing and I had a chain around it kind of keeping it tight But there was like if you were little enough you can get in I had kids get they like stole my change my house stole all I had so much fucking change and they stole my change and I was like all

right fair enough out of all the things that's what they got exactly I have a gun in my house too so I'm glad they didn't get that they're like those little kids remind me of like Robert De Niro and heat or they like they knew what they were going after they did bonds they did dude They wanted to change to get the candy. Yeah, it was our response time to a 211 Yeah, I remember being like no adult could have fit through that little and I was like motherfuckers those kids Well, you gotta get a BB gun shoot the kids. Yeah, I thought about paintball gun paintball gun. Oh nice Yeah, I knew what there was a guy I knew Who had like he was like an HVAC guy and he had this like big yard and this area outside

Philadelphia called Chester and it's like really it's like a really fucked up area and He so if you have a yard in Chester It's like you'd have like scrap metal and shit so people would break in take your scrap metal So he'd started a Friday tradition where he would sit on the roof and just drink beer with a paintball gun Let the Sun as soon as the Sun would set, people would start coming over the fence and you would just fucking light one for the roof. It was pretty fun. Hell yeah.

And within his right. It was within his right, but people would think they were really getting shot and be like, oh! Because they hurt, man. They fucking hurt. No, they do. The first time I ever went paintballing, I got shot right in my left nut. Oh, really?

Yeah. There's like one kid from every group who gets shot in the nuts. I'm sorry to hear that happen. Yeah, it might have been my left nut. Oh, really? Yeah. There's like one kid from every group who gets shot in the nuts. I'm sorry to hear that happen. It might have been my right one. I just remember it was like, I took my pants off and you just see like a dead circle right on the nut.

That was the first time I got, and the dude cheated because at that place they were like, I was the only kid there though, it was like a bunch of adults and my uncles and stuff. And they told us that if you're within 10 feet or so, just yell surrender, and whoever yells it first, it's like they got the shot. And I remember my mask is all foggy,

I'm sweating. You can't see shit. Yeah, and I'm like trying to shoot this guy, I see him running from right to left, and he keeps going, and I'm like, fuck man. And then I see another guy, I'm trying to shoot this guy. And then I'm like, wait, what happened to the first guy? And I'm like, oh, he's behind me.

I turn around and he's right there and just close as hell, just shoots me. I went down, just felt like throwing up. He probably felt bad. Hell no, he just kept going. Really? Yeah. Damn, war is hell, man.

Not to pull a race card, but you know how you white guys are when you get fucking guns and tactical and shit. This guy had full camo, bro. I didball and I I totally disobeyed the mercy rule I would hop a log to be a guy right there and I'd be like pop pop pop after that right turn into a little monster I was like fuck the mercy rule. Like I started doing that's how I play originally. That's fucked mercy rule I started uh, it's so exciting to shoot somebody with that gun. So if I get in within range, I'm not gonna be like, okay I'm fucking I started playing so dirty like is you really when um when there be refs in there like you're a ref now I would hide behind them sometimes I

Just run up like near them and just like Yeah, when you get hit dude it like it fucking hurts man it hurts enough to be like alright There is some consequence to this game. Oh, yeah, cuz I've got like popped over the mask But in the fucking head and that hurts dude you got you got to have pain in life though like every now and then You ever go just months without any type of pain not even stubbing your toe. Yes I had to get depressed dude it this literally just happened to me I had it so easy for like three and a half months, and then I literally got depressed Yeah, just got out of it like two days ago, and then somebody punches you in the face one day. You're like I'm alive

Yeah, dude. I'm feeling stuff. You got it. Yeah, you got to go paintballing or you got to do something There used to be a play the water slide I took an edible and hit some water slides and that like I scraped my own a water slide You try to slow it down like a bitch, and then you're like Scrapes now. I'm pretty little dude. I've never even had trouble slowing down. It's just I never went that fast in the first place really yeah I was I was hitting them and just kind of like cuz I haven't rode a water slide since I was a kid So I was like dude. I'm gonna champ these and I was like for real scared you see that video

This is always gonna be one of my proudest moments. I didn't do anything. I was just there. But during Bert Kreischer's Fully Loaded Tour last year in 2023, we had a water slide and somebody got a bag of ice, ice water and dumped it on Mark Norman. And then he started like yelling and spinning and then somebody else, I forgot who threw it might have been Burt Through a little nerf football we had and hit him right in the nuts right after that was hilarious Like just watching that

Yeah, like that's a guy who's not gonna be depressed for a while You know true ice water and hitting the nuts will definitely back to up. Back to back that was hilarious. Dude I fell when's the last time you fell? Bro um not not that long ago but it was a very uncomfortable fall yeah dude I think what happened if I would have fell on my ass I would have been like oh it hurt but then I've been like that was funny but I was walking upstairs and I did one of those face forward hit my knee into the stair been like that was funny, but I was walking upstairs, and I did one of those face forward Yeah, my knee into the stair fall. He's like that's such a like a grown man fall like middle-aged man Damn it like motherfucker I just wanted to blame a kid like I

Fell recently going to the bathroom at night and like it's like pitch black And I forgot I was I had to travel so I had like my suitcase out tripped over my suitcase I'm naked and then just fell like down like you were saying on your belly not on your back I fell belly down and just laid like all my shoes. I was naked I was naked fool you sleep naked. Yeah, I've sleep naked The deeper we go on this podcast brother deeper we go into your you don't sleep naked. Nah, bro. Why I don't know Someone breaks in you get the mad dog I'm naked and it's fucking I guess that's a good defense mechanism. Yeah, what do you do? Do you like classic PJs?

Nah, I don't do that either you like what do you mean? What's classic PJs? I Can't believe people were using that at one point well if you didn't wear the hat you probably die you get like I catch A cold what that was why they wore hats? I don't know if that felt cool but like it's just crazy I would imagine because it was cold they didn't have like heat like that so you'd have to wear like a little snow cap I'll just die instead of like a little bitch. That's what I'm saying man. They were wearing those little weird elf hats Dude, I feel the same way about bike helmets. Yeah. Fuck that I see people adults with bike helmets I'm like bro

I would wear one if it got to be like painted like candy or something or like some sweet paint Job where it's like the mouth is actually That would be sick and I change colors when you went by but I probably would never ride a motorcycle I don't like those motorcycles where they got like the saddles on the side and then like the big windshield like the cop one Yeah, that's like the minivan of motorcycles. It is dude. You might as well just yeah get a fucking car. Yeah, you know saddlebags in a windshield. Yeah, that's gonna hit my dad hard My dad rocks it. Your dad rocks it. He does. He had the regular ones and then you know you get old Where's your dad out in Philly? Yeah, he grew up in Philly and then moved to Havertown. He was like Philly when he was little and grew up in Havertown

So he had a whole area. Philly's like a tough town though. I wouldn't make fun of your dad. I'll take that back No, no, no, no, you need of your dad. I'll take that back. No, no, no. He needs to hear that. I'll tell him too. He's driving around. He needs to take that bug windshield off and just eat those things. Bro, just- Saddlebags. But he would like drive his motorcycle. That was like the one thing he would be like- We'd go to a restaurant and he's like, I'm gonna ride my motorcycle. I'll meet you there. So that was like his slice of freedom.

And he just got older. He'd go to pick stuff up at the store and he'd throw it in the saddlebags and ride back did he um is he still with your mom yeah, yeah, yeah All right, so yeah, he probably needed that bro. Yeah, you need that break Yeah, yeah, and the windshield I could see the windshield after some time. Do you ever ride a motorcycle before yeah? I have a dirt bike. Oh, oh yeah. Yeah, fuck. That's fucking awesome. Yeah, bro. No windshield That's the raw list motorbike you can get possibly so you're at like the absolute top of the hierarchy in terms of Like being sick on it. Well, not necessarily. It's a 125 CC So it's like training wheels of their bikes. Have you ridden on like the highway and stuff? Nah Dude, it's scary. I took a three. I forget what it was like a 325 if that's a thing like yeah

I think it was a Yamaha Nighthawk and I'd never really ridden motorcycles I still don't now but like my brother showed me how to do it and I'd like took that thing on the highway You're scared. Yeah, I'm scared as fuck man. Yeah, dude I was going over this bridge and trucks would pass me and it was like they were saying it's not a heavy enough bike So when a truck goes by you on the highway the breeze pushes your bike over Oh shit, she was fighting those big like, you know, those big like buckles in the middle of the bridge There's like big metal grates. I'd hit them and be like Yeah, I wouldn't have been scared. You don't think you been scared take the y'all take it on the highway right now. I

Tell your brother bring you right now As far as the people listening to this podcast go just know that I I will ride that bike on the highway Yeah, it's 125 on the highway, man You need something heavy. I have you ever gone 125. I've written dirt bikes when I was little Yeah, we used to ride them around just like buzz around the house. Oh, no, I thought you're talking about miles per hour Oh hell no, dude. You've never gotten 125 miles per hour on a dirt bike. No, you think a car. Yeah a car Yeah, I don't think I got up to 125 in the car. I take that back. I hit him like a hundred and like seven What are you driving?

The Honda Odyssey. Yeah, like some bullshit. Yeah It's just running late to something just trying to know when you're little memory or teenager You're like we're gonna go a hundred miles an hour on the highway. Yeah. Yeah, just trying to go as fast as possible Yeah, we had an accurate TL for a while. They're fast as hell. Yeah, I was tight. You did 125 in the car Went to one car. I did like one in two cars. Actually. You did 125 in a car? One car I did like one... In two cars actually I did 160 something. You're a car guy. Yeah I like cars. You did 160?

Yeah. Where? On the highway. So you wouldn't be afraid on the bike. I don't know dude you take away those walls though. The bike yeah the walls are... And you can imagine if you could see the ground. Yeah no I don't want to see the ground. It fucks you up dude you're going like 80 and you see the ground. It's just it's literally a blur now I feel like the bike is just way more scary for like it is one false move

They're like you're dead. Yeah, and then I grew up playing grand theft auto So like you know how many times I was riding that bike, and I hit a car. I just fly Like fuck that but yeah the car 160 is fucking fast, man. Yeah, 160's pretty fast. That's when like things start like they're like 200 yards away and it's like, they're right at you. Yeah, they look like they're barely even moving, the cars. Like they're like, they're still moving but they look more closer to being still. Are you still about that speed life? Are you slowing down?

Because that's like, bro, you're flirting with disaster. 160's like... Nah, this was like last week. You want an untimely celebrity death? This was like last week, bro. What? Yeah. Are you like I just like an untimely celebrity death. This was like last week, bro What yeah, are you gunning for like an untimely like James Dean? Nah, but I do want to hit 180 Just is that your that's to go. Yeah, and you're talking about on the street not like a track Nah, yeah on the street. I would like to hit a track and see what that's like because I feel like that's where you get to really

See, um what your car is about, you know I would like to hit a track and see what that's like because I feel like that's where you get to really see What your car is about you know yeah? I got like those little circuits and all it and they get to see what their fastest lap time is That's got to be sick. I want to see like if a car that I Not that I build from the ground up, but if a car that I somewhat build could like what what air that would be actually Cool as hell what era do you like specialize, in I saw you had some like it looks almost like I Guess they're classic cars or 20 years old right some of them I don't know what you saw but I saw your thing on Instagram or you had like

almost reminded me of like Like a lessaber or something one of those, but you really like cleaned it up We buy them and sell them a lot. Do you really dad and I yeah like fucking sick So we like there's a few that I will never sell. Yeah But there's a couple that I'm like, and just kind of wanted to drive it for a while and then I'll settle it and buy something No, what's your like? So what like era of car do you like do you like restore them you're saying? Not necessarily restore them. I just like and that's something I didn't know about myself until I started being able to actually buy the cars Yeah, I don't't like the collectible ones

that hold their value as long as you never touch them. But I do like some of those, but maybe with more mileage, something I could change stuff in. Also, like sleeper cars. I actually want a Camaro. I want a 2019 Camaro in a game of horse. Just high stakes horse games. That's the life of Ralph Barbosa, baby. The 2019 Camaro in a game of horse. Just high stakes horse games. What?

Yeah, that's the life of Ralph Barbosa, baby. Horse, you're like basketball horse? Yeah. What, you took someone's pink slip in horse? What was the winning shot? Just a jump, bro, I have a cold jumper, like a mid-range jumper. Yeah, that's good, that's nice to have.

Most people, like, maybe they can make one or two, but if you go from maybe like a repeat spot, bro, they'll miss. They'll miss before I miss for sure. Yeah, you're talking about just within the key kind of that like five to seven foot jumper. Yeah. It's a good move. Good, bro.

Maybe took someone's Camaro. Yeah. And the risk was I lose an 88 SuperSport Monte Carlo I had. But I was trying to get rid of that car anyway, because the car was in just like mint condition and maybe like 24,000 original miles on it. But like I said, it was only going to keep its value if I just kept it so clean. Yeah, what's the point? Yeah.

So then I had been looking to buy like a 2016, 2017 Chevy SS. You ever see those? Yeah. And I wanted one of those because they look like so, they look like a Malibu, but they got the 6.2. Do they have the stripes and everything or no? I don't know if some of them come with stripes, but anyway. You wanted one? I wanted one because I felt like that was a cool daily driver car.

It looks like something you totally underestimate and It draw way less attention But if you needed to smoke somebody you could true. Yeah, so I got that Camaro and I was like, all right well I'll get the Camaro and I'll get the title transferred under my name and then I'll go and if I ever find the Chevy SS I gotta use dealership or something, I can go trade it in. But the dude who showed me Chevy SS, this is a mechanic dude I know named Jacob, he was selling his around that time.

Like literally the week after I got the Camaro, I think he took it to race week where they go like city to city, like to different drag strips. And he kept finding air tags on it where people wanted to track it to go steal it. What? Yeah. And he kept finding air tags on it where people wanted to track it to go steal it what yeah And he just had his son so he just was like man I want people trying to steal my shit especially on my son with me So he's like I'm just gonna sell it and I was like bro. I'll trade you the Camaro and some cash And he's like fucking done, and I guess he's gonna sell that Camaro now. I don't know to trade it in for water, but

Now I got that Chevy SS and he put a, he did a lot of work to it, which I didn't think about that. I don't know if it's more than I can handle. This thing's pretty fucking fast. It's fast as shit. Like I go pick up my son from school and she's like, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. It's pretty, yeah.

Yeah, that's sick. I was, my dad was real into collecting like old muscle cars Yeah, it was like a phase he gets like real into stuff and you know whatever But yeah, my first car when I was growing up. I would drive like a 72 Chevelle I think why you say it's like a phase why you keep hating on your dad. I'm not hating on him He just this is what he does he gets like my dad's laser. I just saddles and dude. I'm just through phases He's the man dude for real I mean having to be you know he's like 60 something just ripping on a motorcycle with his windshield. It's totally That's pretty sick. I would say the same thing. I'm like bro get a fucking bike, bro. Roll a dog

We have our families very we like to fuck around with each other. Hell. Yeah Yeah, he's a fucking beast, but the but he used to collect old cars the same thing like restore him all that stuff So my first car that I got to drive in high school was like a 72 Chevelle damn wasn't um which McCaught You had to like what's that called? It's not fuel injected so I had to like goose the gas pedal in the morning And it's like yeah, yeah, you're gonna sit there and just kind of like hit the thing down But that thing fucking I don't know why he let me drive that Think like if you literally hit the gas all the way down we go Like peel out. Oh shit. It was sick one of those things. Yeah, I fucking crashed like pretty quickly

They're gonna, low stakes. Low stuff. Like I was pulling up to my cousin's driveway to pick him up and my screen was just like, the screen fucking, the windshield was foggy and I just crashed into his, I like ran into his dad's car on accident. I've only been in like one or two, I don't even know if you can call them wrecks, like fender benders. When I was 12, my grandma had a Jeep Liberty and I took off in it. Um, yeah I wanted to buy like aender business. When I was 12, my grandma had a Jeep Liberty and I took off in it. Yeah, I wanted to buy like a video game. I had saved up money. I had like 90 something bucks saved up. And I took my buddy with me. We went to a game stop. I was like, you be my second set of eyes, you know? And we're both just like adrenaline pumping.

That's dude, it's so scary when you're little driving a car when you're not supposed to. Yeah, my grandma was just asleep at home. Crashed it? So they couldn't sell me the video game because it was like, you need an adult there? Yeah. So I was like, I gotta drive home now. Yeah, so we got in the car and I'm trying to like

exit the parking lot onto the main road, but there's a lot of cars coming in and the front of the car was like sticking out too far so I got scared and I just like slammed it into reverse and I slammed into this dude's Dodge Ram and it was this big old white dude and he just looked kind of like surprised to see this little 12-year-old come out right? Yeah. And he's just like what the hell man he's like you have insurance and like you have parents and I was just like man I the hell, man? He's like, you have insurance? And I was like, you have parents? And I was just like, man, I'm gonna be 100% honest with you.

I don't know how insurance works. This is my grandma's Jeep. I don't think she has insurance. She doesn't know English. I don't know if she even did all that. I was like, I know body work must be expensive because I dented his bumper in or whatever. And I was just pleading with him.

I was like, look man, this is like 98 bucks and it's all my money ever. Just take it. Yeah, and he was just like, just get out of here, man. But that's crazy. That was nice of him. Yeah, it was, but at the same time, your punishment is just see if you can make it home like 12 year old

Yeah, he took your 98 bucks. Yeah, he took the book. He took the money. He's like just get out of here, man But yeah, I was just like I fuck it and did you fuck the Liberty up? Nah, bro. I my grandma like never found out about that. I got back before she woke up from her nap That's not bad. She never been in like a real car wreck like airbags deployed and all that shit. Oh, I've gotten one before it sucks Yeah, yeah, a lady just ran the stop sign just fucking nailed me. Damn. Yeah, she had no insurance air back There's air bag you got nailed by a lady. Nice. I did bro. Yeah. Cheers, bro Only the best only the most alpha Well, how old was the lady?

They're in early 20s early 20s. Oh, but he got nailed by a chick I bet girl a chick and she tried to get she didn't have insurance so I gotta blame you Oh, yeah, she tried to come out. She's like holding her neck like she was gonna sue me I'm like dude you ran your stop sign and once she figured it out like showed her like no no no look like you're you Fucked up. She thought she was gonna get paid and I was like you did like one of these like well I ain't dude I got like knocked out when I came to I saw the car And I was like I gotta get that lady's license plate So I went up and I like I put it in my phone or whatever and then like she came out like rolling on the ground

Like I'm calling my lawyer, and I was like she said dickhead you're at fault And she like literally got instantly better and was like oh shit And then like we're sitting there, and then eventually she like peeled off and took off, but I already already had the plate so wait so she tried to just take off before you damn. Yeah, it's her problem She's being a jerk damn being a fucking asshole, but you got you tracked it down She has it she did no way she had nothing she didn't have anything so it was like It was kind of like she didn't have insurance. I had like the weakest you took the loss You just straight up took the loss took the L. There was nothing to be had she didn't have insurance. I had like the weakest, shittiest insurance. You just straight up took the loss? Took the L. There was nothing to be had. She didn't have insurance. She didn't have any money.

How long ago was this? Probably like five, six years ago. I got like a for real like brain injury. Like I was knocked out and I didn't sleep for like four days after that. But I wasn't tired. Bro, where was this? Philly. In Philly? Bro, let's go find this broad.

Well, so it's illegal to search people's addresses through their insurance insurance. I thought you were gonna say it's illegal to say broad no you say broad It's illegal to search it's a license plate Address yeah if you take someone's license plate and get their address from it You're not technically not supposed to do that, but I was able to do that and then uh We just like you know we pulled up and like saw the situation. It was like there's nothing to be had here Yeah, yeah, this is like um is it like the house like your was that movie the fighter with Mark Wahlberg you see that movie I seen it. Yeah, he has like all the sisters. I just felt like one of the sisters hit you It was a lady and her mom and the mom like came out and like you know like the lady's not here

Then you know it's a big thing, but she did the she did go eventually and I told her I'm not pressing charges But she went and eventually like took ownership She didn't get like a hit-and-run No, but there was just financially nothing to do if I could have sued her if I wanted to but it's like I'm gonna sue like a super poor lady Yeah, you know be like now you gotta get I'm gonna garnish her like Wendy's paycheck for You know free frosties You should have just told her free frosties or free desserts from wherever the bum fuck you work at

for the rest of your life. True, pull up as a reminder. Hell yeah. Nah, I'm not like that bro, I'm a nice guy. I know you've been trying to take me down this whole time but I'm actually a really nice guy who like loves my dad. Hahahaha. I know you're nice bro, I just think you got some issues.

I do. Yeah. I do have some issues. Saw one too many shirtless people growing up. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Think of a time recently when you didn't feel like you could be your full self, like you were hiding behind a mask. October is the season, the spookiest season,

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This weekend I will be in Milwaukee. I hope I spelled that correctly. That's off memory. I'll be there this weekend, through Saturday this weekend the dates would be the 24th through the 26th if I'm not mistaken please please come out to that I'm begging you guys ticket sales look okay I'm not mad at them but let's try to bump them up if you guys can if you can't I totally understand I would never bother you 1115 Tysons Virginia Capital One Hall I think that's close to Washington DC no knock on Tysons Virginia

I'm just saying if you guys want to kind of come in from there I don't think the commute would be too bad well I don't don't know, maybe it's far, just check it out. Also 1116 New York, New York, as part of the New York Comedy Festival at Town Hall. I'll be there for a night, so come to that. And also here's the big one, 1129 to 1130, I'll be in Irvine, California at the Irvine Improv. Come on out, what do you say?

Why wouldn't you? Matilda! Dude, I can't believe you never saw a shirtless construction worker. That's crazy. Did you work construction? Yeah. You never saw, what was your field of construction?

I was on the electrical side. Okay. Yeah. I did electrical before. Yeah. Were you like a helper? Did you get like, did you run it or what was your? Yeah, nah, I was not running shit.

Outlets and shit? That's what I did yeah outlets I just have to like watch out for the what do they call it the track holes when they They'd like dig and stuff because we had a lot of like underground you're doing like the services and shit pipe Yeah, we're like working like at factories and installing big machinery. Oh shit. Okay. Yeah, it's a pretty industrial, bro Yeah, I was doing I was doing like houses and shit not okay. Yeah, it's pretty industrial, bro. Yeah, I was doing houses and shit. No, okay. I was doing outlets and stuff. Okay, you see what I'm talking about here though?

It's like. So you're in an industry, in residential, it was anything goes. I don't feel like that's true either though. You can't just go to someone's house and take off your clothes, bro. If it's a shell, no one's there, it's a brand new house. Talking new construction, old construction.

Okay. New construction, No shirt. No problem Maybe maybe that's how things are going feeling True here the construction guys look like fucking fallout characters. They have like we got the mask all over The old things and shit. Yeah, it's crazy. It looks like fucking creative players in fortnite. Yeah, bro, cuz we have a structure in good old Texas, alright? It's not free for all. Bro, yeah. Isn't it Philly where crime runs rampant?

True, true. And men are just twerking off the walls. When's the last time? Have you been in Philly recently? Yeah, I went, not recently. It was already like, you know when it was during WrestleMania. Okay, yeah, that was like, that was relatively recent. I saw that guy, Dr went not recently. It was already like you know when it was during WrestleMania, okay? Yeah, that was like it was relatively recent. I saw that guy drew ski there. Did you really yeah? I'm a big fan of Drew ski, but um he didn't want nothing to do with me

What the fuck is understandable because like the situation is a situation I guess we were staying at the same hotel gosh yeah, and I was leaving the hotel around like three or 4 a.m. to go to the airport. And as I'm getting in the car, my buddy was like, yo, that's Druski. He's like walking towards the hotel. And I just yelled from like the other side of the street, like, Druski, let me get a picture. And his security just looked around like who yelled that?

And they just like zoomed into the hotel. Yeah, true. So that's why I was like, I understand that. Yeah that makes sense. Probably that was like some some drunk you know crazy fan. Yeah true he didn't know it was two young kings in passing. Yeah. Yeah you should hit him up, re-hit him up. Like dude that was me who screamed at you and I'd still like that picture. I don't think he's gonna open that. You don't think so? Nah. It is funny to see who you can Like who will actually respond to you because you're pretty big in common you get around So it's like have you like tried to reach out to like famous people to see if they'll honor it or like

How do you how do you go about that? Man, I I rarely reach out to like a famous person But if they reach out to me, I'm just like, yeah, we're're friends now. Yes, yeah it is cool. It's a cool feeling. Me and Paul Wall, we talk. That's tight. Yeah, yeah. He's a businessman too now. He's like all cleaned up. Yeah, he got the comb over now.

Really? Yeah, that guy's different. Well, as a white rapper, you have to eventually... Like if you get too old and you still look the way you did when you were 20, it doesn't age well. Eminem never did a comb over over but he did grow beard he drew he had to switch it up because it's like if he was fucking 50 with blonde hair dyed blonde hair it just starts to look kind of like dude. What are you doing? Yeah? That's true people don't think about the white rappers do have to go through a lot man Why yeah, why rappers they got they got her like and then they I don't know you ever watch that guy

Did you see that guy or his name was Lil White. Did you see him? Yeah, I actually have yeah. From Memphis? Yeah, I remember that guy. I can't picture what he looks like, but I have definitely seen him I don't know where he's at now, but that's one white rapper that I'm like why didn't he like I don't know He should have been more popular than he was. He was white, but he was like. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah You know what man? He kind of looked a lot like who was that other guy he looks like he owns a strip club in that one picture he does too. See look look that's him now. I wonder what happened to him. He kind of clean he went like full Conor McGregor like necktad kind of businessman looking yeah that uh there was another guy oh my god who's the riff raff he kind

of reminds me a little the look a little bit of riffraff a little bit I guess people shit on riffraff a lot, but man you ever heard that song um time by riffraff Look up that song on YouTube. I like riffraff. Well that song It'll make you cry really yeah. Yeah, yeah, they can do it to you Crying a riffraff song will be crazy. Did it really get you a cry it made you cry. I mean not me Crying over if raff song will be crazy. Did it really get you a cry it made you cry. I mean not me I'm a man true that yeah, but they could get me I could see that Like right rip raff raff frill was like a bonafide. He's like a sick celebrity. He was like a cool, dude Yeah, he had those weird chop chompers those fucking he had the x-factor. Yeah, wasn't he in the movie spring break? Oh

I don't know maybe he played in like Harmony Corinne did this movie and he played like a like a drug dealer and he was good actor too I never watched that movie, but that's the one where James Franco sucks the gun right? He puts a gun in his mouth Dude, I'm the worst with movies. I see movies. Yes. He wasn't it. Yeah. He yes. I'm thinking that might have been the one Oh fuck that was Franco and over there just like basing it off of him I don't know maybe Franco and Riff Raff were in that movie because I forgot if I was Franco I'm thinking Riff Raff played that character. Fuck that. Well Riff Raff should sue them. He should sue Franco for Literally trying to beat him. Yeah true

Yeah, I guess Franco did suck a gun in that movie. I didn't I totally I probably like walked out during that I was probably like I'm not fucking watching this bullshit I probably like walked out to her now. It's probably like I'm not fucking watching this bullshit Everybody saying they walked out of Joker. I heard the Joker gets raped right isn't that like what? Someone said like there's a three man on one man rape scene. Why why don't I don't know why they did that? I I'm gonna be honest and damn yeah, that's fucked up. They took that the first. Did you like the first one? I like the first one, but maybe this is me just having a little bit of that like Toxic Texas mentality, but when I saw that the movie was called a joker joker a Folia or some shit like that. I was like, there's gonna be so gay when I had the French shit

Yeah, I was like, you don't have to apologize for that instinct Why do you keep apologizing for having just like a proper masculine instinct? But yeah, we get mad at shit like that who though. I don't know on the internet You know, I don't gotta worry about them. I people get mad all the time, dude I just yeah, I thought I hear you saying but you can say you know If you it is a correct instinct to see a French title and be like this might be kind of gay Like why why why would they do that? Yeah, that sucks What is the title of it again like John Bumper?

You don't know sick. Oh, he does get yeah the Joker gets gang raped by prison guards and Joker 2 After he called out the abuse it so now they made Joker a victim you know well I said very glad I will never watch this movie fully they ruin the first movie's legacy. How about that? Yeah, how would you take that script writer that's that's crazy too to be like we're gonna start this off with the prison gang rape whoever wrote that review fuck them too I know cuz they're just like they ruined the first they just suck in the dick of the first movie to say the legacy to calm down bro this is the legacy imagine looking at it thinking about movies legacies.

I just think it's crazy to think there's like a legacy like on Max. Like you want to see my legacy? Sure, you have an account? It's like shut the fuck up. Yeah, I always think, do you ever think about like the world of very serious men? Yeah. It's kind of, that's what they're up to to if you're not funny. You're like thinking about movies legacies You're like they've tarnished the reputation for all time this role people who write movie reviews Yeah, dude. I took my son to watch inside out to mm-hmm great movie to buy that They didn't make me cry, but maybe laugh a lot really I love that movie It was good, and I saw this one post on Instagram randomly where somebody was just talking shit about the movie and it and they did it such an

Educated movie critic way, and I'm just like dude suck a dick. Yeah, dude. What's your problem? This is just a funny cartoon movie that movie helped me I watched it and I was like yeah, dude I do got to take it easy and just start going like a little like when then once you I don't want to spoil it But she has that ending skating scene. Yeah She was peaceful at the very end seen it by now true dude that movie for real like for three days I felt like I was like tapped into that state that I watched that girl when she was like, you know I'm not good enough. You're not good enough. Yeah, dude, but when I saw that she stopped caring

She was good enough or not. I'm like, she's never gonna be anything in life. You don't think she's gonna settle. She's gonna be a fucking loser I didn't think about that. Probably a housewife or something. Yeah, just settle not that housewife is bad But I bet you she's not gonna have like a successful man Yeah, she won't be you don't think you'll have a successful man She won't be slack like slamming other ladies into the boards on the hockey rink. She's gonna play like fucking What do you call it? Like recreational hockey? Yeah. Yeah.

As long as she keeps up that mentality. True. She probably got knocked up. Bro, you can't be a champion in life and take care of your mental health. This is stupid. You gotta just grind yourself into a pulp. Yeah. Yeah.

I go back and forth on whether or not that's the case. I'm like, or you could come from like a supreme perspective like Rick Rubin just like totally chill. You think Rick Rubin's not fucked in the head right now? I think he's chill. I don't know. He's wrote a whole book about how chill he is. Yeah. Yeah. You think he's like secretly freaking out? That guy has demons somewhere bro. Yeah. Doesn, he just walked barefoot everywhere Yeah, and like he like lives according to like different weather patterns. You just move like six times You're right. You gotta be crazy to move. I'll tell you what that's probably what keeps him sane though

if anything is he doesn't ever shave or get a haircut and He just goes where the weather is comfortable. Yeah, he never he never once just wakes up and has to do something outside. He's just like fuck fucking hottest shit out here Yeah, this is barefoot and he's just a vibe man He gets paid to like sit in on albums and be like how you feeling bro and people like apparently he's a fantastic producer I yeah, I mean don't get me wrong the guys like Like a musical genius. I had the same instinct as you I was like full of shit the guy nobody's that chill It's all bullshit Then I read his book and like full of shit the guy nobody's that chill It's all bullshit Then I read his book and I'm like damn this guy might be that chill now

I read the first chapter of his book and I was like nah fuck this guy I can see that what are you trying to teach me here? I'd be open to the creative impulse of the universe dude. I guess you don't want to hear that Where do you think you get your ideas from you think you spawn them yourself or they just dawn on you from out of nowhere? My ass. You're a pretty prolific dude, man. You come out with a lot of stuff. Yeah.

Pretty sick. He's got a cool ass. Ass. Comes right out of your ass. I fart a lot. That's nice. I'll say this. I do respect Rick Rubin's whole like, this is how you stay creative thing. But but the thing I didn't like about his book and maybe I should have read more of the book

It's not fair to like judge off of the first I mean you didn't judge it by the cover the covers pretty kind of I would say minimalistic and kind of cool You didn't judge like the cover you judged by the intro. Um, he starts off with a quote Yeah, I remember I don't remember the person who says it, which I should, because I do love that quote. But it's something along the lines of, the objective is not to create art, but to be in that wonderful state of mind in which art is inevitable.

Yeah, I like that too. I don't necessarily think of writing jokes as in art, because I feel like it's kind of gay to say that. It is. But I do feel like I get what they mean We're like if I'm just in that state of mind We're like funny just kind of flows like funny thoughts like yeah, I get that you know Yeah, I get the same way if I'm like too crabby or caught up with all the bullshit

It's like it doesn't come if you can stay if I can stay kind of like Chill somehow or like just like keep a you know humorous Outlook on life rather being like I'm gonna fucking sell tickets like that that whatever that's happening my you know I'm not tuned in so I get it, but it is also very gay to be like my art So I do appreciate that too to be like nah, dude I just go and it's I think that's why the rest of the book was just like I couldn't keep reading because if the if the whole point of the book was to get me to like Get me into a creative space. I was like, oh the quote was enough It wasn't even his quote or somebody else said that and the rest of the book is just him being like imagine

You're like a blade of grass Ruben would probably like good. I'm glad you just read the quote. Sometimes that's all we ask or two I'm sure he's a cool guy But that is that it yeah a lot of it is that very Zen kind of like You know like a blade of grass grows, and if you watch it I'm also not a big fan of hippies though So I feel like I probably would avoid that guy like me and him were like in the room And I'm hungry. I'll be like put some fucking shoes on talking to eat. Yeah, you'd be pissed off. Yeah

Yeah, I'm a same way. I love hippie philosophy, but the reality of hippies when I come around them, I'm kind of like Sometimes they smell yeah, they smell though dude. They're very they're backstabbers, bro Yeah, preach this big thing when it comes down dude like the hippie life is A lot of it is just following bands It's hard because you can't have a job and follow a band so they do a lot of like kind of you know Like sell this or that or whatever. Oh, yeah, I saw that South Park episode. Yeah, did you? Yeah. You remember that one where they do like a like a Woodstock thing? Oh, that was when was that?

That was a while back. I was a kid. What do they what do they cover on that one? I don't remember. So like all these hippies are starting to come to South Park and they get into like the kids minds where they're just like the corporations are evil, man. They were going to take them down. I remember. Yeah. And then they do the big Woodstock thing and the kids are there like alright,

when do we start taking down the corporations? It's like when they see this music festival, they're really gonna fucking have it. And Carmen, Carmen was the only voice of reason in that episode because he's the one that's like a hippie exterminator. He always hated the hippies. Dude, I've had like first hand experience with them and they're like very, behind that whole facade facade of like, yeah man, they're, it's like, they're fucking like very self-serving and like very shitty towards one another. Yeah.

They'll like really, they'll like stab each other in the back just to be able to like follow a band for six months and like they'll like steal each other's like, connects and all this stuff. It's like fucking, being a hippie is like ruthless man. Ah, I don't know, now that sounds kind of. I kinda wanna be like a road hippie, just... Dude, evil hippies. Survival of the fittest. They're fucking evil hippies. Dude, they'll like come into a town, be kinda transient, set up shop, start selling like a bunch of weed at festivals, and you can kinda, it's like a whole economy of itself.

I just, man, now I'm just really afraid that people are gonna hear me on this podcast and be like, yeah, this guy is a fucking Republican. Why? Dude, it's inevitable, you're a man. If you get older, you're a man if you get older You're gonna become Republican you think so yeah, dude all right, but I'm gonna be like closeted Republican That's okay. I'm never gonna act on it. Yeah, don't act on it. Just keep it to yourself Yeah, do you want to be damn or you still want to be either you want to be a political?

Was that what it's called when you don't do either yeah, just be fucking like the women if you can get some pussy being dem You're like yeah, dude. I fucking love the Democrats you get I feel like you get more pussy that way you think so maybe for white guys Maybe yeah, maybe so for white guys because it's like I'm I also feel like at their core women want a strong conservative man I hate I was strippers bro. They just care about money true. They're they're also pretty fucking political They don't care who I true. They don't have you dated stripper for real. I've never dated but we don't we chill. Yeah, you chill. Yeah, do the night thing Yeah, yeah They don't really care there I used to love going to strip clubs early like on a Sunday afternoon and like just cuz there's no one else is in there

You can really chat him up. Yeah, that's a good time to go. You think so. I don't yeah. Yeah, I don't know man They're not that busy. I'm learning a lot about you and myself You never went like in the afternoon and just chilled mm-hmm. It's sunlight is out. I don't know man. They're not that busy. I'm learning a lot about you and myself during this podcast You never went like in the afternoon and just chilled. Mm-hmm sunlight is out. I don't want to go. Oh, dude It's the best. I don't want to go to strip club unless I'm already drunk. Really? Yeah. No I would yeah, I would drink a little bit but you go dude I'm telling you try this dude go in there with your friends Sunday afternoon quiet time They're not all as like they're not as like business mode. It's them. They're chilling You can like really just like have a good time. Oh, I've went on a date with the stripper before yeah

I think she was honestly between us. I think she was just trying to take money from me, but it was like yeah It was pretty pretty bad. Well. It wasn't all I thought it would be more glamorous like dating a stripper But she had like an infant there with her when I showed up at her house. What yeah, man. Yeah, we made out So now it's very it's very humbling It's more humbling than you think it's humbling do just but I do like Just kind of like partying and hanging out with just women of the nightlife. You like that bottle girls bartenders Yeah strippers whatever like because those are the girls that like just want to have fun and they're not expecting you don't like go on real dates true

But I did me one and I won't say which city because then I felt like she's gonna know I'm talking about her and sure I'll get her feelings. I did me one That I do feel like she was very much like I was her ticket out And if I'm your ticket out, you're not doing so good. Like you're like pretty down in the dumps, you know You're doing well. What are you talking about? I don't know. I just feel like there's so many better ticket outs. Yeah, yeah. But you felt that pressure. Yeah.

See, I would cave instantly. I'm such a simp, dude. I'd be like, come on, I'll make an honest woman out of you. Yeah? I know myself. I'm old enough now where I know myself. I think before, when I first started getting attention from women due to success, I was a little bit like that.

I was just like, yeah, but I wouldn't really do it. Yeah, yeah, for sure. But now I'm at a point where I can be honest. I'm like, nah, don't expect me to be very righteous. True. Yeah, I think I'm pretty shitty. That probably turns them on though. You're telling them you're not righteous,

they're probably like, damn. Yeah. It's tight, telling a lady like I'm not righteous. What are you gonna do though? So you are you gonna like try to find a Are you gonna keep messing around with women of the night? Are you gonna try to find like I think I'll find like a girlfriend eventually true, but I'm never gonna get married Yeah, I don't think I could do that. Yeah, this is kind of like a little weird to me and Like I don't want to legally bind myself to a person. Yeah, I'm just afraid of legal stuff paperwork I've done it twice. You did it twice. Yeah, I've been married divorced and I'll marry it again two kids Okay, well, that's good though. It worked out the second time. Yeah, it's going but it's like it's yeah

It's pretty I kind of agree. It is a weird We feel like I've heard of this before if you look at the legal agreement of marriage It's the worst Deal ever really but at the same time It's like like the same like would you ever sign up with something like yo if we stop talking you're gonna take half the matter It's like legally. It's a bad deal. Yeah, man. It's like if I love somebody Why do we have to split shit 50-50 if it doesn't work out? Yeah, I think it's just set up for like, it's kind of like in a... So that women can't get like basically abused like knocked up.

Not like hit, but like knocked up. Because rearing a child for a person is like a serious thing. So it's like they should be entitled. I think they should be entitled to something for the rest of your life. Alright. Like if that's dude, you like- I agree with that part. Yeah, but I hear what you're saying, though, but like 50% of everything, it's like,

that should be kind of up to your discretion. Also, I don't think there should be like legality behind it. But I guess. Yeah, but it's cause of bad actors. Then you get guys that go in and just knock chicks up. Yeah, that's true, too. And then it's like, you're not taking care of it at all. So it's like, you need to have something.

My son's mom, we get along very well. And I'm always gonna like do what I can to make sure like they're both good But I guess I could see like if I was just being like real shitty to her Like I could see how like the legalities of it could help her out. Yeah, you're like a good dude You're not like there's dudes out there that are just like for real like Like they'll just do I had friends that'd be like for real like it's gonna be conscious like they'll just do I had friends that be like just would just blow loads and chicks not even don't even care they didn't give a fuck wouldn't think twice about it and it's cuz I started playing

a lot of Red Dead 2 true oh my game is sick you can go either way dude you can be a villain or you say you're high honor on Red Dead. Um, only cuz I restarted the game Cuz I you fall did you have like a wicked life on Red Dead? Yeah, I was going bad for like I was already like to chapter 5 and like at the end of every chapter I was getting that that wolf that like, you know when you I never made it that I've only like kind of seen the game It got like the feel for it. Yeah, there's a wolf that comes after you Yeah Like in between chapters every time we go to the next chapter right the next level of the game or whatever

It either shows like an elk if you're like this honorable man Or it shows like a wolf like just staring you down damn yeah, I think it's like a wolf like a black Yeah, looking thing and um I was just like man. That's that's pretty sick like that wolf thing you know But then I then I was just like, I don't know, I always thought my honor was in the middle, and then one day I checked it, because I never check it, and I had really low honor. Damn.

And people were treating me like shit. I would say, howdy, mister. So people walking by and they'd be like, you moron. And I would fucking shoot the guy. Yeah, I mean, what else, he provoked you. So I'm trying to redo the game, but with high honor to see what the difference is. But it's hard bro. I know man, must be difficult. I was riding my horse the other day and this dude rode by with his horse, he's like that's

a mighty fine horse you got there, you want to race him? So I was like hell yeah I'll race the guy. And when he got ahead of me, because he fucking cheated, piece of shit, but I remember for some reason, like I guess his horse knocked him off, but I'm riding my horse full speed, so like the guy gets off his horse or falls off of it, and then like I immediately run him over, and I lost honor, and I was like, bro, that was manslaughter.

It was an accident? It was an accident. That was a voluntary manslaughter. Yeah, but I still lost honor for it. What? Yeah, so I'm suing Rockstar Yeah, true man. That's fucked up. What do you have to do to like make up for it? I don't know. I gotta probably say hi to a bunch of NPCs. You're gonna spend the rest of your life making up for that crime

Hell yeah, damn you didn't even try to run the I'd so hard to play those games and not just murder everybody, bro I Accidentally, I didn't even pay attention. I rode my horse by somebody's campfire and I just heard a voice SQUASH HIM! I just heard a voice being like This camp ain't for me I didn't invite any visitors and I turned around to see like who's talking and the guy had his gun on me The guy pulls your gun on you got to shoot that guy. Yeah, you do you do

That's just that's just Texas law, baby. Does that fuck up your if you're to yeah, I lost honor for killing that guy at his campsite Look man, no none of us gonna be perfect. You got to do what you got to do I think here's the thing though. What the fuck rock star like why do you put that in the game, bro? Like I already got a half honor in real life and I got a habit in the game So like I can't hear the escape rock here to kill old 1800s hookers. Yeah, man now you got to worry about like yeah being judged and stuff yeah I agree that kind of does ruin it just to put like a moral pressure on the whole thing yeah I'm gonna go back to playing low honor mode

Yeah, you have to it's kind of there's something crazy about like just being a good boy in a video game It's like well And then you're gonna snap no matter what your character dies at the end your character gets Tuberculosis in the game really like he's fucking Doc Holliday or something what yeah? Like what the fuck I paid so much money for this game I die I got disease in the game you're struggling with like morality and like Death yeah, bro. It's better. Just shoot everybody in that game. Yeah, you just gotta go nuts. You can rob people. It's pretty sick.

That's pretty tight. You can find card games. And it's kind of weird hearing the NPCs talk. There's a New Orleans type city. And I feel like the voices they do for the different characters are like they were afraid to be racist. So they're borderline. Yeah, yeah.

It's like a Chinese immigrant But it sounds like you grew up in New York kind of yeah, he like barely has like an accent Yeah, that's kind of bullshit man. You're gonna do it do it man Go all in like you you ride your horse out and like there's like um there's like a you go do missions for like some plantation owners and There's like you go do missions for like some plantation owners. And I guess this is like post after the Civil War. So there's like no black workers out there. Really? Yeah.

But I'm like, this is the South and all these workers are white. Yeah. Yeah. They didn't have the slaves in the game. They have no slaves. There's black people in the game, but none of them are slaves. Freeman. Yeah. We passed a cotton field recently. My wife's black.

We passed a cotton field coming from here to like Houston and now she's like, what is that growing? I was like And then eventually actually I was like it's a cotton field She's like fucking this the game should like let you the game should be a little more accurate But it should let and I think it does on one. I don't't know I'll do the Chinese accents if they need somebody I'll do okay but they should let you like fucking I don't know like your mission now is like fucking kill this slave owner I don't know yeah cool shit like that Jango yeah you can go liberate them but don't give me white fucking people picking cotton like where they are they're out there working just kind of dead whites maybe they had

white slaves maybe the game maybe based as hell I feel like I now I'm gonna get like some angry Republican in my DMs like there was fucking the white slaves too there I say some of the Irish bro but yeah I think I think there were a couple I think there were a couple of white slaves but it's one of those things where it was like Not a lot. Yeah, I mean, there's like a there's like a Mexican character on Red Dead and You can walk by some Mexicans or like they're drinking in the bar and I'm like, ah, that's pretty accurate I think yeah, it's like this drug Mexican dude So they cry but they hit the accent they but they wouldn't hit a Chinese or a bro, but all the accents are like mild

Yeah, you know, I mean, what was like how the Asian guy sound the Asian guy was? like um Don't go back there, sir But yeah, they still gave him I know you mean it sure way more. Yeah, I'm also bad at accent So I just have it like I'll just try to get you doing it. It's not like people whispering The guy sounded more Asian That is a good. That's a harmful seratope that Asians only whisper. Yeah, but alright, is it offensive if you do like an Asian voice, but it's not words that you just made up?

Like, how do you say it? Like if I'm quoting an already Asian accent. Yeah, I think it's totally fair to do that. Yeah? And hilarious. I think it's a hilarious bit. I guess it's pretty racist. I don't know. This is what-

I don't think it's racist to say the talk like other people talk. Well, I mean like the bit was probably racist. Oh, yeah, yeah. But this is, I grew up watching Family Guy. Very little parental supervision. But there's that scene, it always makes me laugh. It might be wrong to laugh at it, I don't know,

but it makes me laugh. It's one of those Family Guy cutaways, and it's like an Asian dude going up at the Apollo to an all-black crowd. And he's just like, how everybody doing tonight? He's like, you ever had two black guys going to your store? It's like, one go one way, one go the other. He's like, what they doing?

What they stealing? Who with me? And it's like an all black crowd, and they're just like, boo, fuck this guy. And the dude just gets pissed. He's like, oh, you stay at my store. I remember your face. That's hilarious.

That's right. It's genuinely hilarious. That's very funny. But is it racist? Yeah, but it's funny enough to hilarious, that's very funny. But is it racist? Yeah, but it's funny enough to where, it's one of those things where it's like, if with racial humor, if it's not funny, it sucks. Because then everyone's kind of like, oh man.

It's just straight up racist. When it's funny, it's just like you're taking a thing and just kind of elevating it to a very funny level. But at that point, it's like, what makes it funny? I have an idea of what my rule is for does it qualify as funny. But I think everybody has a different rule or whatever, a different... See, I think a black person watching that would be laughing. Yeah?

Yeah, dude. If you see a Chinese guy just doing that and getting out of my store, I think that's funny. I think of a joke, whether it be on TV or like in person or whatever, think of a joke if like 50% of the people in the room hearing that joke laugh, like it's funny. Yeah. Like not that you lost the right to like

say how you felt about it, but like if half the room laughs yeah you have to admit like I like it's more funny than it is offensive or whatever for sure you know yeah you're making people laugh it's a beautiful it's a wonderful thing to laugh so it's like if you can take something you know like that and then just turn it into something very funny that causes people joy it's like yeah you should definitely do that oh yeah right yeah I think the problem with the race stuff is when people

In my opinion when they just be like I know people are gonna get mad and I'm gonna say this and it's not funny And it's not like a moral thing I have against it. I'm like that just sucks. It's like make it funny Yeah, it's better and people like watch me say this and it's like cool, man. One of my buddies didn't like um South Park when we were kids because he because he thought it was racist towards Mexicans. But that buddy also didn't even speak Spanish. I'm like, bro, you're not even a full Mexican here. You're racist. South Park's so funny, man.

He didn't like when they pay the illegals to write their essays, and they wrote their literal friends. They're like, oh, see, I wrote my essay. Like, that's funny, bro. That was so funny. Funny's funny. Yeah, no, if it makes you laugh, it's good. But yeah, I've recently, I had like a,

kind of like a, not like a crisis, but I started to be like, I don't know if I even like doing standup anymore. And then I was like, I'll do it, I'll go do it stand-up anymore And then like I like it was like I will like I'll do it I'll go do it on the weekend And now I've hit a place where I'm like I find it like absolutely essential Yeah, like my state like my well-being that's that's kind of like gotta be tough too is when you're being honest with yourself about something Like that yeah, I mean you dedicated so much time and effort to getting good at stand-up

And you go from bombing to like finally doing good and it takes you months years and stuff but then to finally be like I don't want it feels like the forest gump when he when he's got tired of running yeah like all right like I'm tired now I'm gonna go home now well I just having little kids and I'm like I don't want to be away I can podcast and not be away from home yeah and then I'd slow up on the stand-up and get miserable and I didn't know what was going on. I was miserable for a couple weeks. And then I just didn't do standup for three weeks. And then I did it the last two nights

and I just felt like I had my pep in my step. I was like, oh, I didn't know I actually had to do that. Did Rick Rubin tell you to do that? No, I never finished his book either, to be fair. To be fair, I didn't finish his book. I love it and I love the idea of it. But yeah, after a couple chapters, you're like, yeah, I think I get the point here. I agree, though. I feel like finish his book. I love it, and I love the idea of it, but yeah after a couple chapters You're like yeah, I think I get the point here. I agree though

I feel like I gotta have a balance of like I gotta spend time with my son You know what I mean? Yeah, but I also gotta like fucking go do some stand-up, but if I if I dive Too deep into one or the other I'll start to like yes take inside a little bit No, you're absolutely right man, and it's one of those things. This is what I tell myself It's like because I've always I would get guilty and like I should just get a fucking regular job and be here all the time But it's like then I'd be miserable and I'd be like mean to my kids. I think about that, too Yeah, it's like if I stopped doing that I just be a miserable fucking dickhead and scream at them I do it anyway true, but it's like how much more how much more would you do it? I started punching my son

Oh, yeah, I used to My buddy moved out to New York, my buddy that I started doing comedy around the same time as him, he moved out to New York early on. And so I'd always go crash on his couch, stay out there for a few weeks and just try to go get spots and stuff and felt like it helped me get better.

And as things started taking off for me, my son was around like the three, four age. And it wasn't too hard to like take off because he was living with his mom. And like I could still get my days and I can go stay in New York and just focus on stand up and whatever. But now, you know, he's five, he's in school, and he's with me during the week. He's with me on a lot more. It might have been some months ago already, I took a trip out to New York to try to stay

there for a couple weeks and work on material. And I was just like, bro, fuck the material. You don't want to go be with my kid. Yeah, exactly. I'm hanging out with funny people, but also hanging out with people who are still not dads. Yeah, exactly. I'm hanging out with like funny people, but also hanging out with people who are like just kind of like Still not dads. Yeah, exactly. I just had to like come to terms with like wrong fucking dad now Like I just have to accept who I am Yeah

It is a process dude especially because I feel like stand up and I wonder if you feel that's the way they're like Stand up and having kids it almost feels sometimes like diametric like completely opposed where you're like it's like yeah But it is tough like maintaining both of them because you're right though if you do all of one if you're like I'm not doing Any of this shit? I'm like I'm just gonna be you know a dad and focus on that you do have to do both But yeah that like I try to tell people my dude getting away for a week is like a Devastator on my kids man when I'm away for like the entire week. They're like fucks him up, bro My son starts acting a donkey. Yeah They get bad. He loses respect for everybody in the house

My daughters get so bad if I'm gone for more than three days, they're just they like stop listening to their mom It's pretty bad Yeah, and then like they don't want to admit my family or even his mom doesn't want to admit that it's like You know, he misses me. Yeah, but this what it is Yeah Yeah But you can't you have to do you have to be what you are though Because if you're if you try to like become something totally different I've ever tried in your life to be like fuck stand-up

I'm just gonna yeah square up and get like my regular job one time I um I like quit for like a day Yeah, I had like a good amount of little opening gigs here and there local stuff bars shows and just was having a really stressful time a lot of arguments and Just one day. I just called everybody who I was gonna either open for or like whatever gigs I had locally and I just canceled all of them. She's very dramatic. I was gonna quit Before I even really had like a start, you know

Right a Facebook post. I'm no longer doing stand-up anymore. I never got that gay Do that they formally quit stand-up like I For those if you ever wrote a Facebook post about how you're quitting stand-up, you never really started stand-up, bro. Like, shut the fuck up. Like. I know. I just like to let everybody know.

It's like this film. I'm not going to open mics anymore. But, yeah, I just did that for like a day, but then the next day I was just like, I called everybody back. I was like, hey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I quit for a day. Yeah, I want to come back I

Tried for like months at a time, and I just become miserable man I would like try to get jobs, and I just you feel like a fucking alien the longer you do stand-up That like when you try to like work in an office you just feel weird And then it's sad because you go like people like oh you should just stand up And you're like yeah, but did you purposely choose like the saddest possible job? That's all I could get I couldn't get anything else It was like I grew up doing construction And then like I went to college and then like I worked in an office my dad was always like get an office jobs

The shit you're in the air conditioning, and then I got in an office I'm like this is fucked you ever work in an office before mm-hmm. It's fucked up sounds boring It's unbelievably boring, and it's everybody's doing nothing I made it like I think four months at one internship and then I lasted three weeks in another office not I have like a short Experience with it, but dude. It's like it's really fucked up Everyone's doing nothing everyone's pretending to work, and then there's this like big hierarchy where you're getting like I would get emails in all caps They like to let him know they were mad at me, and I'd be like a dude's like right there I'm like what the fuck you're like you got a problem. right there I'm like what the fuck is your problem? You got a problem Joe?

Yeah for real, I'd be like what the fuck is your problem? But I did I was at an office and there was a guy He was like a high-up partner and he like there was like this big dramatic thing We broke away from like his other partners in this office, and his name was like Marissa Moe He had like some name That was just in like I had to go to his Google email and delete about I think it was illegal I think he like they wanted to delete proof that of like something that they had So I did delete shit out of his email

But then I pulled up his Google chat and I was like chatting up other people from the office My boss found out and sent me an email I hit up my like I had like the big boss I had like my direct boss and I hit him up I'm like, what are you doing? He's like, hey, what's up, Aresen? Bro, I got a bottle in my room And then he thought it was funny he told me like yo hit up this guy hit up that guy and then eventually my like The the boss of the bosses found out and sent me the all caps like do not use Chat feature while using It's like it's fucked up man. It's like

There was a guy in there who would be like I'm not gonna talk to any of you unless you close a deal and he would walk in every we came in only once a week From New York he wasn't gonna talk to you wouldn't talk to you or acknowledge your presence And as you close the deal close the deal if you said like you're rewarded with his presence He sucked to you such a dickhead so like he would come in and like the guy next to me was like, dude, I just want to like make a good impression and talk to him. And his sister also worked there. She was also like one of our bosses and she uh, she was like, I can get like you like a face-to-face if you want. And the dude set it up, dude, through his sister and the guy came into our office like,

hey man, How you doing? It was I like a shitty meeting greet. Yeah It was really fucking awkward Yeah, I'm telling you office life. I have like a serious thing against it I think it like for real gives people brain damage. I never I never took advantage of like the I guess jobs. I could have had and I always just I always went to like work with illegals Yeah, I had my first job when I was 12. I like I was a dishwasher my buddies family I had a restaurant that dude over there. Oh nice

And so we're just washing dishes and with his uncles and like working in the kitchen, you know Yeah, so then I did that or I'd go, my dad had a couple different businesses. He had a body shop, so I'd go send cars in the shop where there was no like code requirements being met. Yeah. There's like pictures of naked ladies in mechanic shops. There was a lot of, yeah. Yeah, dude, it's like that far off.

Then you go to an office and you're like, you think you can talk pussy with someone at work? Because that's how it is in construction. If you get pussy, you tell everyone. So I would go in and like tell my office mate like I got pussy last night and then they get the lady who was like the boss would be like you can't talk like that. All caps email coming your way. All caps email cooking one up being like you are not allowed to refrain from referring to the activities prior to not being like dude.

I grew up around these types of jobs so by the time I was of like working age like 16 and I went to work at McDonald's even that was too corporate for me Yeah, I got to like talk to the fucking customers. I was like, can I just wash the dishes and they're like, no You're not old enough to do that. I'm like, you'd be surprised. Yeah true. Yeah This from a young age. Yeah, it does working construction does kind of throw you off for the rest of the job market Like I saw my dad or not my it was my dad It was somewhat it was like one of my uncle's like actually I didn't see this I was there they had a guard dog and the dog tried to bite me and a couple other customers

It was like a big trash yard. Oh shit And I came in like let you know you go to work like I'd go to work with my dad like you know another Saturday like months later would pop up and I get to go and I was like where's the dog? He's like you shot it It like shot the dog. It just killed it. Yeah, you tell people that and they're kind of like that's fucked You're like, that's how we did all caps emails Michael shot the dog just like took it in the back was like damn dude like that's fucked up I'm like it was trying to bite don't try to bite me. I was a child but also

Working in those types of settings where I'm just me and a bunch of Mexican dudes, I think if I hadn't heard this, I maybe would have just been stuck there and never taken advantage of the fact that I was born in the States and had an education. But I was working at a body shop and this dude one time, I was maybe like 20,

and one of the dudes told me in Spanish, he's just like, he's like, hey man, you don't have papers? I was like, nah, I was born here. And he was just like, oh, he's like, well you didn't finish school? I was like, yeah, I finished school, I have a diploma. I was like, I even got a semester of community college,

you know what I mean? And he's like, oh, he's's like, why do you work here? And I was just like, oh shit, this dude's trying to tell me something here. Cause I think that guy had kids around my age and I remember going to one of theirs graduation party and he was also telling me about that. He's just like, you know, you could do more stuff. Yeah, you know English

Educated like fucking do stuff get the fuck out of here. Yeah, yeah, that's all that's all my dad always was too He was like don't because you get when you're younger you get hooked to the money of like kind of like instruction or like Auto body because you do get paid more than you would anywhere else as a young kid that that I always have people like don't Get hooked to the money man. just like Eventually your body gets all fucked up. I think I feel like I would get hooked to the hang The hang is sick dude. The hang is so good. I just like working in places where like I got along with the people The hang is too good, and there's also dude. There's a You just meet characters too. There's not a lot of in an office It's a really there's not a lot of like characters in an office We're like damn. This is like the funniest dude. I've ever met

It's like when you're on like a construction site like an auto body shop if you're not so many yeah, they're hilarious Yeah, if you're the funny guy in an office you must be like pretty funny But work somewhere where like you can get dirty and like really fuck around you know it's unbelievable hold hold like a old Piece of like pipe and act like it's your dick Or like I see people fistfight in an all and like a construction job Bossing big knock it the fuck off and let you two shake hands, and it was just like are you right back to work? This is gonna sound like little weird

but hanging out with Like these racist country dudes and the construction job I had. I only had this job for about maybe six months. And these guys would say some pretty racist shit. But never to me or my Mexicans that I worked with. It was weird being around people who were racist but still like respectful.

And at first I'm like, bro, what's their fucking problem? I don't wanna work with these dudes. Man, fuck them. Like, I'm not gonna be able to do this. But it was funny. Yeah. Like, not that the racism was funny, but these were funny dudes. One of them had like this boom-hour thing when he'd get mad.

Now, there were these three brothers, and I can't remember which one was which, which might be racist of me, because one was Joe, one was John, and the other one was like Jim, I swear to God. And I can't remember which one this one was, but he cussed the most, and he'd get mad because we got to a job site one day where they were supposed to be digging,

looking for some line, and they couldn't find it, and it was just like, the hole should have been like a few feet over to their side So we had to start digging there and we were working under Joe that day and I just remember him being mad He's like man. I get tired of this old chicken shit bullshit. God damn it fucking bullshit. God damn man It's like shit. Joe's mad. Well, yeah another guy there The young dude he might have been around my age I remember young this dude named Shannon and the other dudes would get mad at him

Because he's like lazy, but that guy was hilarious. He was just we were working at a Like a fucking like a like a steel Some someplace where they have those big metal ovens like metal like a foundry where you're like I don't even know if that's what it's called, but you like melt the steel down Yeah, they're doing shit like that right so we'd go eat lunch outside, and there's all these people there And they were really strict there They're like don't fuck around in front of the people who work there and all this shit like and this dude shan would just walk By everybody with his ass out

It's just like hard hat glasses And he's just like he just pulled his pants down and cover his dick with his hands like What the fuck and uh Joe's brother was his dude I think it was John and I might be confusing him. It might have been the other way around but John and Joe He didn't cuss at all Like he would like try his best not to cuss but it's just funny hearing him get mad at Shannon Cuz he's just like what the crud what did you do to put your butt back in your pants? Because he's just like what the crud what did you do to put your butt back in your pants?

I always felt like there was a delicate ecosystem of like racism on construction sites We're like everyone would kind of fuck with each other But then if like somebody kind of crossed the line or was being like malicious it would be like dude fucking get out of it Cuz I would get cornered so I would I was in the laborers union for a little bit and in Philly It's mostly so The whole like paint the whole picture my dad and his brothers to demolition then they are they had they did trash and they started A demolition company so in order to work for my dad once like the unions are bothering him I had to join the union so I could work for my dad So I was in the laborers union, but it was mostly like me and other black like all black guys doing that But there was like like everyone would fuck with each other like the white guys would say shit about this and that but I

Would get like there'd be another white laborer and he would like corner me I guess he didn't know like I was just working for my dad and he would like take me aside and be like bro He's motherfuckers He would go in like hard and I'd be like dude fucking okay now I remember the day I realized I was working one like like some real racist dude cuz at first I'm like that it can't all be like that right You know maybe like just these couple guys here. I'm just like fuck those guys. I won't be around them Somebody who was like a higher or I mean everybody was higher up than me in there, but somebody who had like Real I guess like a real position, somebody who would bring us

material, be in charge of job sites. I don't want to say his name, but this is a nice older guy. He might even be retired by now, or he dead, I don't know. But he was cool with me. Like, man, it'd be like fucking 100 degrees out there. And sometimes he'd be like, he'd be like, hey, he's like, come on, let's go to Home Depot. And out of everybody on the job site, I got to fucking take a break in the AC, just go help him carry shit. He's an old man, you know, like just help him carry shit.

And then one day there was like this big lunch with like everybody from the company. We all just met up because there's like some restaurant they like to go to. And we were working pretty close to it and we all met up there. And I heard him say like some restaurant they like to go to. And we're working pretty close to it, and we all met up there. And I heard him say some real racist shit, and I remember just thinking like, oh man, I thought you were different. Yeah. And after that, it was really bad.

Yeah, it was pretty bad. I don't wanna repeat it. Yeah, that was the thing. There was like, same thing, people would joke with each other, and I'm like, oh, this is funny. And then you get a guy who would corner you, and you'd be like, oh, you wanna like kill these guys. I'm like, oh, this is funny and then you get a guy would corner you and you'd be like, oh you want to like kill

These guys I'm like dude, you gotta chill. Yeah, that was also a fun thing. I would do when someone would get like Very like corner me. They can't believe we're working with these fucking animals. I'd be like dude. We should fucking kill them They'd be like whoa Just go way higher like I do it to everyone politically when they're like Trump they spaz on Trump I'm like we should kill his whole fucking family I don't want to do all that. I'm like all right. Leave me the fuck out of this now I heard them I heard them say just one too many remarks one day, so I was just like yeah I don't want to work here no more. He's probably feeling you out

He wanted to know if he can make like a proper yeah I left and I think they might have thought that like I would say something because I put in a two weeks notice and They offered me a raise like a like a really good raise really they're like come on. He was grooming you dude I sucked at that job like he was grooming you to say the end But it was fucked up is it they were saying shit about Mexicans to hear oh really yeah And that's why I was just like bro like this is this is too much like This is how you guys are gonna work up here like And that's why I was just like bro like this is this is too much like

This is how you guys are gonna work up here like Funny wouldn't even look at you and be like excuse me or was he trying to like joke or was he that guy that guy? I never heard him say nothing about Mexicans, but a couple other guys. Yeah. Yeah, and um But and it was fucked up because the things they said were always words towards black people Yeah, and that's why like I've been in rooms where like um Mexicans and black people are like who's had it worse, and I'm always like bro stop like black people had it way worse Don't do this like I Every group does that though. I'm my family's all Irish, and it's like bro We got oppressed by the English raid hunter fucking here's which is true, but yeah, it's yeah

They kind of take the crown I give them the crown well Yeah, what's offering when I took off, I feel like maybe that's why they tried to do that, where they're just like, hey, you know, more money. You know, if you shut up. And I was like, I just don't want nothing to do with you guys. Yeah, although I have seen, some of the most vicious racism I've seen has been American black people

versus African workers on the job sites. That's a serious beef. Yeah? Oh my God, dude. American black people and Africans are like you think they'd be buddies but they're like I feel like that's like when I got my American white guy if I see like a British person I'm like fuck is your deal I think American black people see African people I think that's how like Mexicans from Mexico see like Hispanic yeah exactly'll never be Mexican to them. Exactly, they're kind of like,

yeah, you're from some weird ass country, we're the real deal. Dude, me and my buddy Hymen, we would change the radio when we were kids. Like, just, there's like a lot of Mexican love songs playing, we changed the radio to just like, whatever, you know what I mean? Just like some pop, some hip hop, whatever.

And no matter what we put around the other Mexican dudes We're like ah like you faggots some hot dogs It's like what I like listen some pop yeah, just cuz I want to change the music like now. We're gay like Like they would give me bro. Just be like and I do respect the machismo I think I could say pound-for-pound Mexican dudes have the highest machismo, and I'm kind of for it. I think it's kind of sick Man, but it sucks when you're the one getting like so fucking yeah, it's tough. It's oppressive. I've worked

That they were always my favorite if I had to pick a gang like a group of people in a workplace And I'm not just saying this is you're here. I think Mexican people were like my go-to The hang is so nice bro. Just babes on phones back. Yo check out this babe I'm like yeah babes nice show this babe. Thank you fucking around the whole time I know they could get but then but now like they they created they made me into like a mean bastard sometimes like when I was a kid if If I'd be like at a family party or something and I'd be like, oh man, it's cold Like my uncle's my grandpa's be like it is moher. You're a woman.

It's like don't be a woman. I'm like, god damn bro. I am cold though. It's like we're outside bro. It's fucking I see my breath, you know, like you're not supposed to acknowledge it. It's crazy. Yeah, they're fucking nuts bro. But now I kind of do that too where like You know, I travel with my buddies who do stand up with me or whatever and I'll hear one of them complain about something I'm just like you fucking woman Yeah, it is tight though I do I don't know it just makes me laugh it makes me my buddies like bro My dad just got cancer. I'm like ah he's being a woman I'm like, ah, he's being a woman

Yeah, I uh, well shit man, I think we're at yeah, we're at an hour and 38 brother I uh, I'll jump here all day. Where can people catch you? Do you got anything you want to plug or you just man? I got tour dates I just don't remember where but for sure follow me on Instagram at Ralph Barbosa I just don't remember where but for sure follow me on Instagram at Ralph Barbosa 0-3 or check out my website for tour dates at Barbosa comedy com I think I'm pretty funny. So give me some money very funny, bro, dude. I love your shit I watch I watch a lot of clips online appreciate. Thank you so much. So thanks for doing this dude. You're the man Thanks for having my brother later. Yeah, later