Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 535 - Soft Girls (feat. Sam Morril)

Episode Date: December 9, 2024

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Support Sam and Mark @ https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod and Go See Sam Live @ https://www.sammorril.com/ Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Good morning everyone. Droppin early for you boyz n girlz this week nbd. Matt is joined by the bro Sam Morril ... Podium style. Check out Sam on the road. Listen to the We Might Be Drunk podcast with him and Mark. And buy Bodega Cat!!! Please enjoy. God Bless. Go See Shawn Gardini Live if you want THIS WEEK CLEVELAND BUFFALO BALTIMORE @ https://www.shawngardini.com/ Go See Lemaire Lee @ https://lemairelee.fun/ This episode is brought to you by Aura Frames Exclusive $35-off Carver Mat at https://auraframes.com/. Use code MSSP at checkout to save! Try BlueChew FREE when you use our promo code DRENCHED at checkout - just pay $5 shipping. That’s bluechew.com/, promo code DRENCHED to receive your first month FREE. Download the PrizePicks app or visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/DRENCHED today and use code Drenched to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup The Mountain is calling, you should answer #DoTheDew #MTNDEW Shop now @ https://lets.shop/2141/dothedew

Hey, we're live. What's up, everybody? Sam Morell, thank you for coming, dude. Thanks for having me, man. I mean, I hate to dig into what we were just saying, but you're absolutely right. The headset, that was one of the funniest things I ever heard. Oh, why'd I burn it off air?

I was the funny, just saying. That's what everyone says now. You show up, they're like, save it. Save it for the pod. Sam was looking at my headset. He said that just when you see a comedian with a headset on stage, you know a molestation story's going. Yeah, it's gonna get serious.

That's the funniest thing I've ever heard, man. It's always something dark. There was another guy in the 90s, I forgot his name, but he was like, the first half was really funny, and then he was like, anyway, my dad was murdered, and you're like, what the fuck? But he had the headset, you knew something was coming. It is, it does lend to like a gravitas towards the whole

thing, and here is the secret to life, is pause. Or or like a self-help person where they're just doing this a lot That's where I got a member driven see vanilla skies with Tom Cruise Yeah, that's where this made me laugh of him. Just being like you want to get fucking pussy or not Thank you for coming. I Couldn't tell if that was a good movie or not When they broke out and singing in the end it pissed me off the vanilla skyilla Sky? Am I thinking, no, I'm thinking of not Vanilla Sky, Magnolia or something? Yeah, oh, with the frogs?

My bad, my bad, yes, yes. Yeah, that was annoying. That pissed me off. And it was like a really good movie till then. It was awesome, and then it just ended pointlessly with him singing, and I was like, this is fucking pissing me off. Yeah, I'm with you.

Yeah, dude, thanks for coming, man. Thanks for having me, dude. I'm happy to be here. Dude, it's funny, the first time I ever saw you, I was. Yeah, dude. Thanks for coming man. Thanks for having me dude. This is I'm happy to be here Dude, it's funny the first time I ever saw you I was a pup in comedy I was a young pup and my friend Chris O'Connor was like dude Sam Rose going it was in Philly You were doing some I forget where it was we just watched and we're like, you know You just start you see a guy who like actually can do it. You're like, oh fuck. Where was it? It's in Philly I forget some theater. It was like a It's like oh fuck. Where was it? It's in Philly. I forget some theater. It was like a

Okay, not a thing. It was like a it was like a theater, but it wasn't like a it was like a Black box type thing. Yes I did a lot of those in Philly because they were easy, you know easy to get to train is like 90 minutes It's yeah, I don't know. It's like right there. Yeah, that was I was a loved it was young comedy pub We're going whoa, dude. It's so fucking cool, dude. He has a whole fucking hour. This is crazy Like oh dude, that's so fucking cool. And then like if I fucking hour, this is crazy. Five minutes, we're like, oh dude, that's so fucking cool. And then if I look back at that hour, I'd be like, oh I fucking suck. That's how it works, you know?

You feel good about it for a minute, but then I don't like my new stuff either. It's like, you know, it's tough. How do you feel about your stuff? I go back and forth. Sometimes the hour I'm doing now, I'll be like, this is great, and then there's like chunks of it where I'm like, this fucking sucks. I need to cut this all out. But I get to the forth sometimes I'm like like the hour I'm doing now I'll be like this is great, and then I like there's like chunks of it. I'm like this fucking sucks

I need to cut this all out, but I get to the point where I just want to be done with it I'm like I alright this it is what it is I want to like release this and just go on coming up with something else. I know it's cool It's amazing how quickly it's like it's like just a new relationship and like the at first you're like oh my god This is amazing and then a few months in you're like what am I doing? I know Yeah, I like I like laugh. I'll not even amazing. And then a few months in you're like, what am I doing? I know, what the fuck am I talking about? Yeah, I'll like laugh, I'll not even laugh. I'll be like, there's like certain things

I'll say from it in my head. I'm like, you fucking loser. And I'm like, all right, come on man. Come on, let's get through the hour, brother. Let's get through the hour. There's always that one chunk where you're like, why am I still doing, but you know, you're doing it to, cause you believe,

you're like, it'll get better. Yeah. But you gotta do it enough to you hate it. And then you're like, all right, I'll write new stuff. It's time. Yeah, it's time to chop this loose. I'm excited I'm gonna try to do a special Some point and then in the spring maybe and then just you're like one of the few successful YouTube specials of recent Thank you. Yeah, there's not that had a moment And then it was like it got over saturated and you I you are a few other people dude

I thought I was thinking for like maybe 40,000 views I was like I'm probably get 40,000 on it and then like I was like I'll do a bunch of podcasts promote it and then Like the first week I was like, oh sweet. I'll do anything sit back and chill That is that is the dream to be like no press Yeah, you know, it's I I thought I was gonna have to do it all and you know, you know, whatever But I always say people always people ask me they'll like be like like what should I do for like, you know it's I I thought I was gonna have to do it all and you know you know whatever But I always say people always people ask me though. I'd be like like what should I do for like you know like my podcast I'm like dude. Here's what you got to do I was like just get a co-host to become supremely famous and I was like that'll work for sure

Like an agent now you're like I think that guy's got the good True but yeah people it's funny when they always always get really disheartened when I'm like, I don't know what the fuck to tell you, man. I'm like, you just find someone who's super famous. You're holding up your end, though. Yeah, well, thank you, man. Thank you. But yeah, it is, I don't know, man.

It's just people get spun out, man. Entertainment's the only thing, only job I've ever seen where people make as much as a doctor. And they're like, I'm a fucking loser you're like Dude, you're killing it man. Yeah, but if you saw other doctors like performing an operation You're like that guy's getting more likes in me on his on his operation true Do you feel like there is that thing about like and also like we we do badly more than like a doctor's like I'm sure they fuck up sometimes for like

I've had like three bombs in a row The doctor fucks up three times in a row. I'm like you got to get out Just coming home. I fucking bombed on that brain surgery It was an easy one. They were good. He was good and I blew it The other doctor went on he crushed and I came on and just killed the guy true. That's a fair point Yeah, they don't have to deal with metrics. I think just the comparing. We always compare. And it's different than it used to be.

Back in the day, you'd be trying to get something on Comedy Central, and there'd be one spot. You're like, this is the white dude spot. If I don't get this, I suck. And you're like, shit. Then I'm on a lineup with Norman, Dan Soder, Phil Hanley, all these killer New York comics, you know, yeah Joe list and But you know now it's like it's kind of wide open. Yeah, no, it's true

Yeah, it does and it sucks too because I will say in comedy the product is your like personality So people like yeah, not for me. You're like fuck you dude. It's not like you're selling insurance I don't really need that right now. So yeah, I saw you I'm good on you and you're like fuck Yeah, that's not my act. That's me. They said my name That's when it would hurt when you're like they don't just like Dislike you especially when you told you like I'm just dislike his act. I don't like him. Yeah, I hate that guy Yeah, yeah, it's a weird. I don't know it is I it is funny people like talking about like the internet comments It's always kind of people is like but it is an interesting thing because you do have to deal with like

Like the way you're I don't know how to put it But that's the way you like your body has like cells There's just like a million comments about you and you can start getting into them and it is I don't know I think it is funny. It's a fun thing to like I used to get real whacked out I'd read them like just like fuck this guy fuck. Who the fuck is this guy now? I'm like You never can tell because sometimes it'll be something that actually is accurate and you're like fuck That's actually true and that's painful to realize then it's like you get like You suck. I love you, and then you get like opposing views that you have to somehow just choose like which one do I actually believe? I know you're like fuck. I am a dumbass with one eyebrow. He nailed it

Every once in a while yeah, but you know you if you believe the good stuff, then you're crazy, too I am a dumbass with one eyebrow, he nailed it. Shit. Every once in a while, yeah, but you know, if you believe the good stuff, then you're crazy too. I know, that's a problem, that's a problem, dude. I don't believe any of it, I just wait till I find something negative and I feel the sting of that, and I go, that's enough for today, and I just go about my day, and I go, fuck, you gotta also, I mean,

I know comics who are like, I remember a comic friend of mine got this like great write-up in the New York Times And I called him like dude this is amazing, and he was just like nah. They're gonna. This is like right before they turn on me Like he couldn't enjoy it at all. He was like now. They're gonna fucking This is like they'll call me great, so it's like people gonna fucking be like this guy sucks Yeah, or they're gonna dig out some skeleton from my past. That'd be yeah. I don't think this guy has any skeletons I think he's like pretty well like this guy, but he just like yeah Damn damn dude. I was uh I did want to talk to you about this

I so you know about the Diddy stuff obviously sure everyone I was there. It was great He sucked my dick You so he did he's now crying That it's unfair that the owner of Abercrombie is not getting as much he's out on bail all did he is not out on bail and he apparently I didn't get a time I didn't have time to look into it like the details of it but he was apparently running like a sex trafficking thing in the I mean you can tell by the stores right dude that's what I'm just walked in there like this

should not be okay these poor damn employees well they said teenage shirtless teenage boys outside of their store while running a I think it's primarily a gay Sex-trafficking ring. Yeah, which is crazy dude in the open base I mean, I remember walking in there and being like uncomfortable and having to leave. Yeah, dude I remember my I like high school girlfriends be like let's go to Abercrombie I like walk past like a fucking hot dude with a shirt off. He'd be like fuck you dude walking I come up any of this shit. Yeah, we were so mean to them But like looking back that dude was probably getting railed. Yeah, so we like we were in the wrong

I thought they were getting a ton of pussy turns out. Yeah, they were just like blowing old man. They were the pussy Yeah, it was crazy that guy is apparently running he was running a thing like Diddy, whereas all kinds of crazy manipulation and deception and sex trafficking and whatever. But that's the way to do it, if you're doing that, because you're like, well, this is so out in the open, you think I would just flaunt it if I were actually doing it? True, true. But then he was, because Diddy was more like,

it was more like a VIP vibe, like you only, you know. Yeah. And of course, someone with all these celebrities, you wouldn't be doing something like this, the word would get out. Yeah, true. But I don't know, of course, someone with all these celebrities, you wouldn't be doing something like this. The word would get out. Yeah, true. But, you know, I don't know how it works if they had like NDAs or something there.

I think they just try to get dirt on you. I think that the deal is you try to get dirt on them first and then you're like, I don't know, cause that is, I'd be so nervous. Imagine if you were running like sex trafficking, like you were, imagine if last night you just drugged. I'm already stressed I can't imagine I'm already like fuck. I feel like shit. I'm on the road

I can't imagine like that guilt level where you're just like fuck. I have a sex trafficking ring You like yeah, you GHB the guy opening for you You fucked him and then you fucked like four ladies and you just woke up and I got to do a meeting for my fucking vodka It's crazy damn yeah, what's gonna happen to Siroc? I think someone else bought it. Ah. Yeah, I think someone else. Is it tainted though?

Because I did think of Diddy when I think of it. Yeah, I would think, I would drink Siroc and have a good time thinking about Diddy having fun times, but now I'm just like, ugh. But no, I think they, some people try to say that that was the whole thing to get him off of the board because they were saying like they were like liquor billionaires who didn't want him, wasn't like playing ball it'd be like

liquor ticket master being like you're not playing ball and they're trying to claim you're not playing ball you have a sex trafficking ring back in the day and like Hollywood they would have morality clauses in the contracts for like these young starlets so they'd be like you know a young actress would be like fucking a married guy and they'd be like like, no, you gotta shut that down. We invested at you here at MGM or whatever. So, you know, it's like, it's really funny how, you know, back then it was like,

infidelity is bad. Now it's like, don't fuck kids. Yeah, don't please. It's, you know, it's changed. It does ruin a brand. Catholic Church was the only institution that was like, their adherents were like, come on. It's a branding error. Every big company has some bad guys. Subway. It's lost some luster. It has. And they could have gone

with that Clay Henry guy. Remember Clay Henry back in the day? No. Who was that? He was the other one. It was like Jared and Clay Henry. They brought in like a 1B character. Yeah. Like he got real big on burgers and fries, but now he's down to a smaller size plate. So he brought another guy in. Yeah, he was a fireman too. Like he could have made them, he could have made them look good.

Loved his wife. He was probably a good guy. But then yeah, they went Jared. And look, we can't deny Jared had an impact. He had the sauce. In the story of just walking and eating. He like, I walked to Subway and I ate sandwiches and I lost, and you're like, that's not true,

but we all bought it, because we're idiots. I know, I know. Oh, and when he pulls those pants out, you're like, who can argue with that? That guy's pants were so much bigger. He was circling school zones. They're sharp, dude. That's where he lost the weight.

Just getting his cardio in going from one, from one kindergarten to the other. Did you see the documentary about him? I have, and is it good? It is. It's amazing. I got to watch it is, dude, he was way more sinister than you think. Like he apparently. So the reason that the whole story broke, he went to a school assembly.

He was going to assemblies and schools and like at the height of his, you know, prime or whatever. And he would talk to kids like he's Barry Sanders and his prime But he was in a school auditorium And he was with a lady who like was like the local news lady and they did like a little speech He was like kids you got to eat healthy Bob a bond She was doing her thing and then he went and sat down he goes goddamn I love the fuck one of these kids just to the lady and she was like

What this is all according to her? She was the one who broke the story and then so she that was a heat check moment for him It was like man. I'm getting away with this for so long Let me see cuz that's what they do they like try it's like serial killer shit where they're like don't go back to the scene Of the crime. It's like that cockiness. Yeah of getting away with it. I mean dude. Yes for sure or I but it was like It's such a weird thing to do because then I guess he was putting a feeler out for her cuz then she This is where it's kind of suspect for her But she was like she was a you know journalist

So she's like I want to kind of get this is a huge story of this guy potentially really wants to fuck his or if He's just like fucking around and it's the funniest guy ever Fuck one of these kids But then she started like pretending to be his girlfriend And they just drew all that stuff out of him get stuff out of him And I don't think she ever said she had sex with him But she would be like they would have like phone sex where she'd be like what were you talking about? And he was like I just think I want to fuck you and he like admitted to doing it and like the other his manager

And him were fucking kid like and then like it all culminates and she's having Imagine finding you have that in common with your manager. That's such a weird, cause I was like pumped my agent's a Knicks fan. But like, I mean, you're like, you're into that? That's fucking great. Yeah, it's a funny icebreaker to like see kids like, man, kids, man, they say the funniest things.

You see the switch on that kid actually? Yeah bro, I was actually gonna bring it up. You do really have to ease into that. That guy's a good looking kid. That kid's cute. If you were into that. The kid's really cute. I think that kid's really cute too. I'm so glad we met.

We should hang. But dude, it all culminates in she has a birthday party for her own kids and uses them as bait Yeah, and it's like he's like she's like my kids coming. I'm so into this. Oh my god I want and he's like I'm gonna come fuck your kid at the birthday party She's like sweet perfect, and she's working with so she has a kid yes I think she had like two and she was using them as bait and she even went to the he was using her for these kids

Work both ways. Oh, it's quite pro-co. Yeahco. Yeah. But she went to the FBI like, dude, I have this guy on tape saying he fucks kids. And they're like, that's illegal. You're not allowed to record him like that. And that's why they set up the birthday party. And she had a wire on and everything. He basically wanted a kid, which is monstrous, on the kid's birthday.

He'd be like, I'm going to come to his birthday party after he opens his presents. And I'm going to smash. And it was like, damn, bro. That is a bad birthday. That is a bad birthday. That's a bad man. And'm gonna smash. And it was like, damn, bro. That is a bad birthday. That is a bad birthday. That's a bad band. And then, but yeah, eventually, like he kind of gets cold feet,

but then they get him anyway. He like cops to the crime. He like, dude, he was a monster, dude. Crazy. Yeah, he was that bad. Yeah. And he claimed it was because he lost so much weight that then his appetite for food just like transferred to kids

that's what that was his claim he was like it's not my yeah when you lose weight like I did you come hypersexual and he's like I just wanted to start fucking kids like damn so subway really is bad yeah subway I mean you like yeah he should have been blaming on the hoagies my fucking hoagies do I never wanted to fuck bread dude bread fuck that's not real bread I knew somebody wasn't be trusted when they claim that was avocado dude true. That was yeah, that's not avocado Yeah, it made me want to fuck. Yeah, but dude he got uh Yeah, he I like explained that documentary at like a fight like someone brought it up like it jokingly I'm like, you know the real story I gave like the narrowly other people's wives like dude, please stop

I don't want to talk about Batten down on his birthday party. It is tough when you bring that to you got it People's wives are like, dude, please stop. I don't want to talk about this kid getting just battened down at his birthday party. It is tough when you bring that to it. You got to know the audience for that. I know. It was like a nice campfire setting. We're all sitting around.

People were having sangria. You know he was going to fuck a kid at his birthday party. They're like, all right, that's enough of that. I was like, I'm sorry. But it's tough because it's been pushed into the mainstream. Like, it is a Netflix thing. Or HBO, whatever it's on. It was. yeah, yeah.

So it is tough when you're like, you know, you're just hanging out at like a nice little party, you got a skewer in your hand, you're like, Chambonet Ramsay, you see that? Yeah. It's crazy. Yeah, true. Yeah, it has been pushed in.

Like the heinous murders are, they're like great. That stuff never ends. Heinous murder footage is like, people love that. It's endless. I mean, the CEO from fucking United Healthcare, you saw that yesterday. What happened with that? I mean, a guy with a silencer.

Talk about bad branding. They got him in Starbucks right before. What? Yeah, they got him on camera in Starbucks ordering a coffee. Yeah, true. What'd he get? I don't know. Definitely not tea.

Yeah, no, no. Not a tea drink. You need some caffeine to pull out an execution Yeah, it's like a caramel macchiato. Well, maybe a refresher. Maybe I like a watermelon citrus refresher Just carried out. He went to Starbucks before he murdered. Yeah, that's wrong with that. If you're Duncan true Hey, we don't we don't sell shit to guys like that. We don't like that That stuff that would be just call it like murder juice. Like you get your murder, you don't sell murder juice.

Well they had the murder ball, remember? Or the medicine ball, I'm fucking it up. That was, by the way, we're such idiots, we're like, it's a secret menu thing. The medicine ball when you're sick, it's just sugar. It's just like, probably awful for you when you're sick, but it's like, tart enough that you're like, ah, it's helping my throat.

Wait, Starbucks has a secret medicinal beverage? Yeah, it's called the medicine. Is it in the medicine bowl? They don't call it that anymore. What do they call it now? Something herbal, something. But it's just like lemonade and a shitload of honey, and it's probably just an insane amount of sugar,

and you think it's helping because of all the honey, but it doesn't do shit. Yeah, I'm gonna go puke on a Starbucks counter and be like, I need the, I need the medicine bowl. Oh. It's, yeah, that's, you gotta be pissed if you're Howard Schultz. Bad for Starbucks. I mean, they definitely, they had their scandal,

I think like three years ago, they like kicked a black guy out of there. Oof. Yeah, Starbucks, the employee, kicked a black, he didn't buy anything, he was having a business meeting. He was talking business and they fucking, they kicked him. But they never kick anyone It's a I know it was pretty nuts that feels personal. It does feel first

I go in there all the time to pee and I don't anything I mean that you're in there trying to sign someone up to a pyramid scheme Kicked him out. It was a huge deal. It was in Philly Damn that Starbucks came under massive fire and they had to come out and be like, you know The CEO has come out like we don like, you know, this EO has to come out. I'm like, we don't like that at all. It's so stupid, too, because they would do that thing years ago at Starbucks, where they're like,

let's have a talk about race. Remember that ad campaign they did? And we're like, what are you doing? Because they kicked out a black guy. They had to do it. That's so stupid. Now they have murderers. Yeah, that's what happens.

They're like, oh, they're kicking out black guys? I'm going to get a coffee before I murder someone. This is a perfect place for me. Coffee does, it great drinking a coffee and murdering somebody would be pretty sick Yeah, I think it'd be pretty nice He's like heart rates pouncing as you go away. God damn. I shouldn't have that Espresso that was too much. That's way too much. Yeah, I'm freaking out No, I also I feel like just murdering someone would wake you up though true. I'll probably get your heart rate up I also think you know, I was a little annoyed that New York's getting bad PR though. I told you New York's dangerous

I'm like, oh we have to answer for this fucking psychopath. Yeah, I don't know where he's from Yeah, and that's also not like, you know, that's like a weird high-level hitman crime That's what they say But then it doesn't look that professional because they find them on camera and if you're a high-level hitman you're not going to Starbucks before. True. That's a weird move. No, yeah when I say high-level I mean just like killing a CEO is like a high-level murder. You would think there was like some powerful interest behind it or maybe it was just a psycho attacking. I don't even know that guy. Who knows? I mean it could be a guy who just got

who's fucked over more than a health insurance company. You know? I mean it's like, I feel like that's why Joker resonated with so many people because in the beginning he's getting fucked over by his insurance. So you're like, alright, whatever he does is kind of fine. That's true. That's true. You get a surgery the day before, like your thing lapses and you gotta pay fucking $90 million and you're like, motherfucker. We've all been on hold with an insurance company. Like what the fuck? before your thing lapses, and you gotta pay fucking $90 million, and you're like, you motherfucker. We've all been on hold with an insurance company, like what the fuck? That's where you lose it. True.

Because they always, I mean, I don't know if it's a tough, I would, that's a job I would not want. CEO, you're making a shitload of money at the expense of a lot of people who are suffering. Yeah, and that's the whole point of insurance, you're taking in more money than you're paying out. So you have to make sure you have to try to pay out as little as possible.

And it does feel like they're trying to fuck you sometimes. They are. That's that they have to. Their whole thing has to be a lot of those places are like they have like research about this. There's just like 40 percent or whatever people. If you're just like, yeah, sorry, no, they'll just be like, well, I guess I'm fucked then. And then there's like another percentage of people who will actively follow up, but then you can be like well All right, we're gonna sue you and like I'm not doing that So there's like only a small percentage of people will

Like know the steps to be like I gotta get a lawyer now like nobody thinks about that or like can't afford a lawyer And it's exhausting they tire you out if you're sick. You don't want to deal with making all these phone calls anyway I mean yeah, I think about all the time the ways they pretend they're hooking you up. I was at a dermatologist once and like, you know, your insurance covers you like a free chemical peel. And I was like, why the fuck would I want a chemical peel? And they're like, well, you get it for free. And I was like, maybe I want one. It's free. But then they didn't cover the fucking medication I needed. What? So it's like, they cover shit you don't need. It's like they they know what a fuck you Yeah, yeah, they do. They're very good again. It's their whole it's the whole point of their operation is to

Take in more money and pay out less and they're supposed to pay you out of bad things happen But yeah, they can make more money is to not pay you out and then if you don't know the steps It's like yeah, that guy's fucked this feels political now. We're like standing back. We're just agreeing. I'm telling you we are right Well, that's a great point. It's crazy. That's a great point. I actually agree with that. We do have to do something about these health care companies. True.

Yeah, one guy, you know, did it. Not that much. That's too much. That was too damn wide, guys. A silencer, too, is like, it also makes you realize how desensitized we are. Yeah, it's pretty pro-hit, man, dude. Silencer, too?

But you could just buy a silencer. Can you? I'm sure somewhere. In America, you're telling me you can't? True, true. It's not that hard to get a gun here. I thought there were, yeah, I guess so. Yeah, I guess silencers aren't that illegal.

I don't know. I mean, they have to be illegal. You can't wear a bulletproof vest. If a cop sees you in a bulletproof vest, you can get pulled. They can stop you. What the fuck do you want? I feel like if you're a CEO of a health insurance company,

you should get to wear a bulletproof vest for a while. Like a little while. That's how they say that's the best way to get away with killing somebody is opening the door And as soon as they open his blast him and walk away because you don't enter the house. You don't leave DNA evidence But all the cities now are gridded with cameras like you really can't do that Yeah, it's weird like we're like close to living in like a minority report type of world where you know It's like how are you it's amazing when people get away with murder like that's why that John Benet thing was so shocking

You know, it's like in my head was like, well, I wonder who did it. I forgot they didn't solve it. Oh Yeah, they didn't do it and solve it. It's it's so shocking you watch forensic files I like the ones where they solve it too. I don't like the true crime where they're just like unsolved murders It's so unsatisfying like there's a piece of shit who got away But then you watch forensic files and they're like thanks to DNA, we caught this guy. Got him every time. Yeah, also too, whenever I watch that, they don't catch the guy. I'm like, he's definitely right outside my house right now.

He's gonna fucking rape me, kill me. He's gonna kill me. I used to watch those, they'd be marathoning them on the road on like headline news and just be like 40 Forensic Files on the road. I'd be watching, you know, in some motel on the side of the highway, just like opening my, like, oh fuck, why am I doing this to myself?

Opening that dumb little curtain. You see meth heads. Oh yeah. I still get scared. I get scared in hotels all the time. I'm really, yeah. Like I'll just hear like someone else's door bang and I'm half asleep and I'm like, someone's in my room and I was like, look around.

I'm like, dude, you're such a fucking pussy. I was leaving a hotel in Omaha a couple of years ago and there was a guy, it was like 4M early flight, you know, it's like a 6 a.m. flight out and there was a guy just sitting on the floor in the hallway just like crying. And I was like, ah, you just don't want to even see, you just like something bad happened. No, man. Yeah, you don't want to see that at all. That sucks.

Would you just walk right by just wheel your luck? Of course, I'm not dealing with that guy. I'm gonna chat him, what happened buddy? Best case scenario, there's a dead hooker in that room something bad. Yeah, true. Oh god or alive one And he need I don't know something bad happened though. Yes, it also is like go in your room, dude Don't fucking this what they're for go cry like everyone else does in your hotel room. I'll sit in the hallway Public crying is and they're like in New York I don't mind it as much because that city's supposed to break you but when you see in like a smaller town you kind of

Like something sinister just occurred. Oh, yeah true true. Yeah, oh man Ryan Hamilton My friend has a joke was like New York's the only city we just see people openly weeping you see it a lot there Yeah, I could see that I guess other cities. I guess Philly too Yeah, Austin. I think big cities. You'll see it I did a month sublet in New York's I like thought about moving there a long time ago I was like man get the fuck out of I went right back to Philadelphia really oh my I couldn't do it But how do you the Philly to Austin is an interesting move because it is it's such a different pace. You know yeah Yeah, I just for me. I had kids and once like when I had the kids

I'm like I wanted to get out of Philly anyway And then I was like thinking about moving to like the outside of Philly suburbs I had this like whole it was it would have been a bad plan I was looking at this like plot of land that turned out to be like a floodplain It was bad And I was like I'd be an hour from every airport and I got there was no way I could do stand-up there I was like I'll make it work, and then I was talking to Shane He's like you want to go to Austin. I was like yes, please that would solve all my problems

Thank you. That'd be the best thing ever because that way it's like a decent quality of life and for like kids and stuff and you can just you stand up every night If you want yeah, the club is good man. The mothership school. It is good It makes me a little nervous how many people are always there I don't like to because I want to do new stuff And I don't want to just like you see these people every few months for me if I'm visiting I'm like I don't want them to see me bombing. Yeah. Yeah, I like I like the bomb in the shadows It's true. It is an intimidating green room, too. It's like it's just that long oak table There's 40 fucking people and it's like yeah, I was silent for the first like five months. I would have sit there like it's hardcore

It's like a weird health movement, but also everyone's smoking cigarettes in there. I know I did the smelling salt I do that don't understand. I don't know why I did it Rogan's like Oh, yeah, they're good. They'll help you. No one tells me not to put him right to my face I thought I was dying cuz I've had allergic reactions before and I was like I was like And Joe's like are you okay? I'm like god. I'm such a pussy. No, it's ammonia. That's right Your body is you're just smelling ammonia and I don't know why everybody does it I saw I it I saw it

I think I saw Josh Allen or some football player do it on TV and I was like oh I should fucking don't get me jazzed up for a set and I tried it and I was like yeah If you're like a pro athlete it seems kind of cool, but I'm not I'm a fucking I'm a you know I'm a whiny fuck who just was like there's better ways to get lightheaded It's all getting lightheaded is cool, But it's like you just I don't understand I see dudes back there just ripping them and I'm like, dude You guys just tell me you love smelling ammonia like that. Like just fucking drink some coffee do anything else coffees a move Yeah, do anything. I saw a bartender once say to someone she goes do you have any red bull? He goes we don't carry red bull. You want to you want caffeine buzz?

We'll give you a coffee and I was like, wow the way he said it was so cool I think about all the time just keeping the caffeine but He's like fuck Red Bull bullshit out of my fucking face I drink a rock star Last year cuz I was like tired and I was like I just I was at the Super Bowl with Shane I was like I mean I was I was I don't drink that much so I was like hungover from the day before I'm a total Pussy oh with him. It's impossible not to be hungover dude. I was like hungover from the day before I'm a total pussy. Oh with him. It's impossible not to be hungover dude I was dying you can't be a casual drinker around Shane You can't have you either are sober or you have 14 you can't have two no middle ground Yeah that night I had like a lot and the next day. I'm just struggling

I'm like let me get a rock star. I thought I felt like I was on meth I drank like half a rock star and I was like I gotta go home guys And I was like late in my hotel room like oh Felt terrible. Oh, dude. I hate somebody stopped me and said you want a fucking caffeine buzz have a coffee There's shit in that stuff. I don't know what it is even gas station coffee. I like I just like coffee I like the ritual of the coffee the you know the energy drinks I remember drinking you know when you're young comic barking and stuff. I need energy I'll drink a seven hour energy. And I'm like, even then you're like, this is,

we even heard from them in a while. Lord knows what the fuck was in that shit. You know? Five hour where they do the shot real quick. But then it turned into like seven hour. Oh really? It was like that something about Mary scene where he's like six minute abs

and he's just like, what if someone did five? And he's like, no! But they went the other way. It was the daddy. They bumped up seven minute energy. Yeah, that shit, shit I think it was seven wasn't it seven hour energy I think they kept bumping it up that makes sense it's also it is a it is funny to just like the term energy just got like appropriated into being like you're just rattling you're just like hitting yourself with stimulants it's like no I

have energy right now it's like no dude you're just your fucking brains wired on stimulants yeah well I was listening to your podcast where you're talking about You know just sleep and how important sleep is yeah, oh my god We do we'll do anything but the thing we're supposed to do I know sleep is the thing dude I it's I I fought it for a long time because I would get into coffee I'm like super sensitive to caffeine so I drink caffeine in the morning I'm I for real have seven-hour energy I'm like do you take naps during the day ever if I drink caffeine I can't take naps So what I try to do I like just white knuckle through a morning that I won't have coffee

But I will take a nap in the middle of the day, and it's like dude you feel so good I've never been able to do it. I love it I can't sometimes I'll just like I'll be so tired that I just fall asleep early or something But like I do I can't nap I drink too much caffeine That's the problem. I if I have caffeine no nap or I'll take a fucked up nap where I wake up like oh Fuck but it's like yeah, I put the melatonin stuff. I hate that shit, dude I tried it and then someone told me it shrinks your balls and I'm like really hit me with the yellow five They're like, you know, you're that stuff shrinks your balls and I was like,'m not doing it. So I was taking it on the road. Why does it shrink your balls?

I don't know Andrew Huberman said it someone said really you've been said that and I was like I fair enough He's got dude he's got to know about that he seems like he knows a lot of stuff. He's using them, bro So he's got to know he's using his balls a lot so that guy knows he's keyed in on the fucking ball research Yeah, the melatonin gives you nightmares I feel like it you know yeah, you get I Would take it I started fucking around with it on the road cuz I'd be like you know I made different time zones I get off stage and as soon as I get back to my room to swallow melatonin

Wishing it was just cyanide just right in my throat And I would like sit there and read a book and all of a sudden you do get like really heavy Yeah, we're taking it before Melatonin yeah, I yeah, Yeah. I have like a powder, this stuff I try sometimes called Beam and it's like, it's got all kinds, it's got magnesium, all this stuff. Podcast sponsors? Yeah, they sent it to me and they sponsored the podcast. I had it too. And I was like, I started buying it because they, I was like, give me some more of that, they pulled their sponsorship. I was like, fuck it, I'll buy it like an strong out like Elvis. Yeah

but Yeah, no, I so that I but I would get nightmares I would wake up like sweating like what the fuck have nightmares every night and I'd be like that can't be good sleep No, yeah, yeah, that's I took it one time like I was like I'll just take it like fucking 6 p.m Just get like ready for this. I didn't realize how hard that shit hits you I did the same thing the bean powder and I was was getting something for my kid and I was like, what the fuck? It just hit me out of nowhere. I was like, oh shit. But yeah, it does... The melatonin works.

It's one of those things where it's just addictive. But does it work? Because we're not feeling refreshed, right? Yeah, I was like, I was psycho tracking my sleep at the time and I would get more deep sleep from it. Really? Yeah, but it's addictive, dude. Then next thing you know every night I'm like I should take a little melatonin and I and I was like but I've heard that it's not um

when they say like two three milligrams five milligrams it could be like anywhere from like 25 to 1 like it's way off how the fuck do they get away with it I don't know it's like who the hell's going back and forth and analyzing it so and they could say like these products in like tiny print like may or may but I've heard that that's also from the tiny I hate to hate tiny print. I know it's fucking so they fuck you bullshit Yeah, fuck you apparently hughes is way against the melatonin and then I heard the thing about like being 20 Miller I'm like, yeah, whatever and he's like it shrinks your balls. I'm like that Say less brother or smaller balls that bad though. Who cares cares yeah, but you don't want to get them shrunken

That's the problem. It's like what the fuck you just anything that can shrink your ball It isn't that big of a problem when you think about it, but like is having him dick's looking a little bigger That's no that's actually there's some there's some stuff going on. You're sleeping great. You're sleeping well. Yeah, it's not a bad point I would they but there is something about them being it feels less manly I guess big balls is a good thing That's what they say exactly was. But there is something about them being, it feels less manly, I guess. Big balls is a good thing, that's what they say. Yeah, exactly. And it just, there's something about it, something you're eating, shrinking your balls.

Like dude, the Yellow Five, as soon as I found out about that, I was terrified back in the day. Like yeah, you know that shit. What's the Yellow Five? Never heard Yellow Five shrink your balls? What's that? It's just a food dye.

It's like the Yellow Five food dye. Or whatever the fuck it was called, but they were like, bro. You're best off just eating as naturally as possible. Like, you know, that's thing like when you when you travel for work, and you're waking up at weird hours like you're eating weird Yeah, you're sleeping badly like it just adds up. Yeah, she's usually shitting not the best either There's something about that where you're like all right There's something dark. Yes, what's the worst the bathroom looks to just shitting in it. You're just like, dude, how did I get here?

This is terrible. Someone definitely just shot up. Everything's like a little less healthy when you go in New York. You can eat pretty, pretty healthy. But then the diner has been destroyed in New York because, you know, rent is so damn expensive. So you're like, I just spent $22 on three scrambled eggs. I know it's insane. But then you go on the road and just the little things that you don't think about we were like alright

They put like a fucking bucket of butter on my toast. Yeah, you know, this is like the hash browns a little crispier Hey, everything tastes great. But you're like, man, I don't have the energy I had after this meal Yeah, I normally have you know, dude. I get I I fucking I'm almost pre-diabetic now. I was traveling a lot eating out I thought I was pretty healthy you look healthy You look like a gym guy. I dude I was going I was working out everything But I was eating so much food when I was like trash That's like dude. I'm like in the restaurant because you need something you need a win on the road So I'm gonna see a bad set or something or you're like just like the anxiety you need to do so

I need to do something somewhat self-destructive And it's like you know you don't drink and you don't drink and I have not cheated on my wife So I'm like that's I'm left with nothing but overeating. So I'm like, well, I have to overeat So I would just pig out and like I dude I just I can't for all the vices you have though As long as you don't go diabetic, but like that's not the worst. Well now I get to reverse it now I get to have a health journey where I can be like guys I you know, I was at five point seven a one C now I'm gonna try to get down I kind of was happy to learn about that. I was like have a health journey where I can be like, guys, I was at 5.7 A1C, now I'm going to try to get down. I kind of was happy to learn about that.

I was like, oh, cool, this is like a cool thing now. It's another chapter. Yeah, exactly. It's like something I can do. And if I can actually get it down under control, that'll be kind of fun to be like, I got mine down. 5.7 is the beginning range of pre-diabetes. I'm at the door.

I'm on the doorstep. Damn. My dad has type 2 diabetes. I know. But I'm, dude, I haven't. Your dad has type 2? Oh, know that's it, but I'm dude. I have dad is type two Oh, yeah, is he overweight or no? He was he's like lost Yeah, he's got like a beer belly But he also like dude he like I worked with him for a while and we would do use us demolition and we would on

The way home from work you would drink a milkshake every day It was like four soft pretzels and a milkshake every day home, and I'm like dude. I'm just eating too much rice How the fuck am I pre diabetic? This is bullshit. It was fucking nonsense milkshake. I haven the way home. And I'm like, dude, I'm just eating too much rice. How the fuck am I pre-diabetic? This is bullshit. This is fucking nonsense. A milkshake. I haven't had one of those in fucking forever. Dude, I've never seen anyone do that. Because we were doing a thing where you burn steel.

And it was galvanized steel. So it's coated in zinc, which, I don't know, protects it against rust or something. So when you burn the steel, there was this thing. They'd be like, yeah, you've got to get your calcium. So it's like calcium somehow traps zinc. This was all like, like, so that turned into a milkshake. Yeah. Then he was like, we need milkshakes. It's like, so we're, we can stay. McFlurry's will help us if we, I think the last time I had one, we had Bill Burr in our podcast and we, it's a drinking

pod. So we were like, Norman's like, he doesn't drink. We should do, he likes milkshakes. And I'm like, all right. So we're like, we got to get Bill Burr in a good mood. So it was like, he likes milkshakes. And I'm like, all right, so we're like, we gotta get Bill Burr in a good mood. So it was like milkshakes and cigars was the trick. That's kinda nice actually. And it was a fucking great combo. Yeah, that's awesome. I mean, of course, two nice things, of course they, you know, but they don't always work together, you know?

They never, I don't think anyone besides my dad actually does milkshakes and cigars. It was nice. It is awesome, how do you like that? He was in a good mood. Nice. We were, you know, you just don't want to rattle him. He's bill burr so yeah, but at first we were like You know, he was like I'm this time to this time. I have a hard out like whatever you need

We had a friend waiting in the hallway to do the next episode and then at like, you know Four fifteen is his that was for he were like we gotta get out of here, right? He's like no, I don't he's just like hanging out. We're like, all right. I got a text from Matteo Lane like it's fine Don't worry about it. That's cool. It's bill burr, you know, yeah, I don't. He's just like hanging out. We're like, all right, I got a text from Mateo Lane. Like, it's fine. Don't worry about it. That's cool. It's Bill Burr. Yeah, that's, that would suck.

Just absolutely drawing his iron, just having him just be like, fuck you. Bill, how's your milkshake? Bill likes one of you to have fun. If you want to piss him off, just tell him the Patriot Super Bowl doesn't count where Marshawn Lynch should have run it. That's a good point. He screamed at me for like 15 minutes straight Really? Yeah, you could get him on the Vax too. He's super

Freaked out on the Vax that'd be fun But you got fucking actually that would that would piss him off. I'm not looking to piss him off No, I wouldn't either. Yeah, never call him Bill Feisberg But no, that's what I would not want that guy on my ass. That would suck. You know what we could all use a little more of? Getting off asses. They didn't fucking fix that typo, dude. They had the same typo last week. Getting off asses. Forgot to put getting off our asses.

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Terms and conditions do apply. That would fucking suck. Dude, you were talking about bathrooms. I read a thing today saying, now they're saying you gotta check. If you're at a public bathroom, you gotta open the thing and look into the toilet roll, because people using needles for drugs,

heroin or whatever are Taking their syringe and is like sticking it using that paper towel roll to like clean off the needle and he showed a picture And it was just like little poke holes with just blood like little like blood spots everywhere that sucks Because you already don't want to shit in a public restaurant. I know dude, and I gotta worry about a needle dude Yeah, I don't know why the guy was like women should be more concerned than men It's like alright Yeah, I'm not thrilled either But it's like dude. Yeah, I don't know what the rationale maybe vaginas absorb. I don't know but it's like well

I'm doing the tour bus for the whole thing. So it's a lot of public restroom shitting Yeah, because you're like, you know, you can't poop on that bus Yeah, you know allowed to so next day, you know know either the rec center we go a little play a little ball or we you know, it's kind of nice go to get Yeah, poop there. We check open the thing and just look even if you don't see blood But if you see little poke holes, that means people were cleaning their needles off in the maybe some internet bullshit But I saw the picture. I was like that actually does make sense It bugs me too that these like addicts are worried about germs. Yeah, true.

Just do heroin, you fucking pussy. Be a man. Also, yeah, it's like you're worried about germs if you're taking toilet paper. Toilet paper, roll it back. Let me clean this off. Yeah. That annoys me.

Yeah, it was funny in Philly when they gave, you know, there's like, you've seen the thing of Kensington Avenue where it's like just K&A and there's guys, like everyone's standing outside. Did you ever see that shit on YouTube? What is it? And Kensington Ave in Philadelphia, it's like just KNA and there's guys like everyone's standing outside. Did you ever see like that shit on YouTube? What is it? In Kensington Ave in Philadelphia? It's like one of the biggest heroin markets like I think in the country It's like Skid Row. It's not as big as Skid Row But it is just the people outside tents like zombified standing out there

It'll shock you that I mean this country man like everywhere every downtown now has that yeah except for Irvine I was just in Irvine recently. They have zero homeless people. They got rid of them all. They do. In Irvine, they offer you a bed, and if you say no to the bed, they put you on a bus, and they're like out of here, to LA. I swear, that's like, that's their policy.

Yeah, Rudy Giuliani did that back in the day in New York. Did he, really? Yeah, they got rid of the homeless people. What did they just gave them? Sent them on a train. To where? I think to the West Coast. Damn.

So he probably sent them to Irvine, and then they were like like you go back that way Yeah, no, that's uh Even in like downtown Salt Lake. I was you know you you're walking by like holy shit. This is crazy Yeah, dude. I would yeah, but dude the the old 20 in Salt Lake I was there at a farmers market like last year, and I was talking to this guy who was like he was campaigning for mayor Yeah, I think he had been mayor before and stop He's like they need me back and I was like the park was beautiful. I was like, dude This is awesome here and he was like, well, yeah

There was homeless people here and like they got cleared out right before the farmers market and I was kind of hitting him with like That's what's up. And he was like no, it's actually an injustice and this is why I'm running. I was like, oh shit It's really sad they took the prescription medication and kicked him out and I was like, oh shit, my bad. I was like, fuck my bad, dude. It's like, it's really sad. They took the prescription medication and kicked him out. And I was like, oh. Yeah, but look at these avocados. This is such a nice market. I did hit him with that. I was like, you gotta be honest, dude, though.

It is way better. I was like, just on a level of just enjoyment, it is kind of sweet that they're out here right now. And he was like, whatever. He wouldn't give that to you. He was just kind of like, all right, all right. But I was like, bro. I was like, it's nice of you're defending them

from the other 10s taking up. But I am, and I think it'd be sad if I saw that part, all right, all right. But I was like, bro. I was like, it's nice you're defending them from the other tents taking up. But I am, and I think it'd be sad if I saw that part, but the aftermath is nice. It is weird, too, that these tents are being used for that. You know the guy who designed the tents, where they're good for camping, you're gonna go on a nice thing, and then you just get people with needles, like, ah, fuck.

Yeah, that's true. You would think, yeah, the thing about the love of nature, and you're out, you're hunting and living off the land, it is mostly just like emaciated human beings like selling each other for sex and it sucks man and and I'm getting a lot of dying in them I'm dying in those tents. It's good. It's getting worse man. You go around Although you just find areas you're like these there are so many people unwell they're like yeah It's not gonna get better anytime soon. No dude and imagine like I mean no one's getting really bored is anyone born into homelessness now Or they just like what do they do with you then I guess they take your kid

Yeah, I guess I didn't think about that. You don't see a lot of homeless kids in the street You don't just the adults yeah, I think they take you if you're if they see you as a homeless kid No Oliver twists if they see you as a young homeless kid. I think they're like get the fuck out of here I would hope cuz I'm just waiting like cuz if that becomes like a permanent class in America That's what I'm kind of like seeing like where do they go from there? Yeah, anything that demolition man like predicted everything and it's like the sewer people that might be next You're like fuck all these well There are people who do live under like who do live in like little catacombs and under bridges and stuff and I heard Germany now

They have a crack epidemic in Germany. It's crazy. You know everything everything goes away. And I heard Germany now, they have a crack epidemic. In Germany, it's crazy. You know, everything, nothing goes away. They just come back. Now Germans are dealing with like a hard, like 1980s crack epidemic. Oh shit, like all places run. It sounds so vintage to us, but yeah. I know.

I know. Crack in Germany, and that was like the one place in Europe I didn't go and I was so bummed because I feel like Berlin is supposed to be sick. And I've never, yeah, I was bummed I couldn't make that one work. How is standup in Europe? They all speak English.

It's amazing. Is it fun? It's my worst set. I killed last year in London and then this time I just was like, I think it was my worst show there. I hit like Belfast, Dublin, Paris wasn't amazing. I mean, the city's amazing, just like the standup is, whatever, Paris is meh, that's my, no.

And then what else, oh, Amsterdam, Copenhagen, Stockholm, and Oslo were all incredible. That blows my mind, they can all like listen to standup. I just assume, like there's no way these guys. You would have a lot of fans over there. That's crazy. It's amazing and they're uh, that's nuts It's look, you know some some places like blow you away You're like, well, I move more tickets and I expect it here and then some you're like, man It's a light show, but even the light shows are pretty damn good. That's awesome

I guess they're pretty happy you're in another country and like I can beautiful Yeah, just some fucked up It is funny when you run into a fan on the street, like out of there. I saw a guy in Dublin and he was like, oh my God, you're here. I was like, oh, what's up, man? And he goes, are you doing a show tonight?

And I was like, yeah, yeah. I was like, yeah, I think there's still a couple tickets available. And he was like, huh. I was like, oh, he's not going to come. What are the odds I run into a fan, an American fan in another country? And he's like, nah, I'm good. I know.

I was like, well, alright. Alright, dude, that's cool. Yeah, that is, that would be cool though to be in another country. Like, oh, that's crazy. People are like, hey man, what's going on? You're like, what the fuck? They do a double-take because they're like, why are you here? Yeah. But, you know, it's like, have you done Australia yet? I did. I opened for Shane in Australia. It's pretty cool.

It was cool. It cool just a flight is fucking It fucks you up for like forever it the way back fucks you up worse. Yes like they go in there It's like I just drug myself. Yeah a few muscle relaxers a couple glasses of wine I'm like I'm fucking good out, but then on the way back. I was like I'm bad for like a week I was fucked up dude. I had like I had kids I think just that was a good one there really like even week. I was fucked up dude. I had like I had kids. I just that was a good one. They're really like even younger. So I like we did a show the last night got home at like maybe two or three woke up at five for the year. I don't think I don't think I really even slept and then just I was I can't really sleep on planes that well. So if I slept on

the way back maybe for an hour or two I was awake for the most of it and then got dropped off the Newark Airport and then had a drive. This was in Philly. I was awake for the most of it and then got dropped off the Newark Airport and then had a drive this one I was in Philly. I was awake for basically 24 hours and then had to just drive from Newark to Philly I don't know what my wife who was like finally you're bad, you know all that shit Yeah, you don't you don't walk into a happy room there either No, I see that with with Gary cuz you know who I tour with he's got a family and and I don't so I'm seeing He's like, you know, she's like you didn't FaceTime me. I'm like, oh my god, I'm just fucking You know, dude Watching your kids cry through FaceTime while you're in a hotel room while your wife is just like huffing

Yeah is might be it's hell. It's the fucking worst Hey guys Trying to tell you well, maybe you should talk a little nicer Grits it's terrible. It's actually it's really bad It's one of the saddest things of like when you travel for stand-up then eventually you do this they get older it becomes a little Better but like when they're like little and yeah, just yeah, and you feel powerless. Oh, you just feel awful, dude You know like why am I doing this it sucks, but you know and you get it But then you the thing I always tell myself good example to work to you know for your kids like you're doing you that's the thing you followed your dream, and it worked out and and

Your kids will see that when they grow up, and that's a cool thing too that and that well That's what I tell my kids I say guys I know you don't like when I go away But if I were to stay here and do another job with I would kill myself So do you want to kill myself you guys want your father to kill himself as it would be your fault We got your babysitter his name is Jared Fogel But it is true you do have to there is like because I think I should be around more But I know if I had like a job that I hated I would just be miserable in the house

So it's like what's yeah, you know kind of someone who's traveling a little bit and happy in the house or someone who's there every Day like oh and you're and you got this going so you have other things going on I think he said again I hate it more from female comics, because I think women are expected to be like the, you know, the mom should be there, the mom shouldn't be traveling. And I know, you know, some female comics

who have babies or young kids, and they're just like, you know, Rachel Feinstein is one of my best friends, and she was like, you know, if I, he could go to work, like whenever, he could do like all these 24 hour shifts. I leave for like a spot. They're like they treat me like I'm Casey Anthony, you know, so it's like How well yeah when the baby's really young it is like a biological reality that they do need the mom like yeah mom warm You can bottle feed him and stuff like that. But yeah, that's dude. The mother guilt is like 50 million times Worse and yeah, you are sure you were in there you were in her exactly

And there's that you know yeah, there's a connection. It's a real connection. There's actually now. I've read in Sweden And the headlines really working in my favor today. They're actually applying to everything but yeah There's a movement now called soft girl. There's like soft girls now. They're called So like there's women who are now rejecting the workforce and be like, no, I'm a soft girl. So you're either a boss. I was like, what is the fuck's it called? I was like, this is in Sweden. Soft woman.

Yeah, they call them soft womans because you either a boss lady or a soft woman. And now there's people embracing this soft woman lifestyle where they're like, yo, work sucks. I'm becoming just like a pure stay at home soft woman. Well, that it would originate in Sweden because they're just so fucking liberal there. So it's like, that's what happens. That's what they'll try out

It's like like this is what we'll try out the liberal idea And if it takes flight it'll move over to like the other Scandinavian countries then make its way here Yeah, like that's that's where you debut it. Well. I think they went well That's more there's more like liberal boss ladies if you're like a boss lady was like I'm gonna kick ass at work Don't even ask me to do anything around the house, it's fucking bullshit, blah, blah, blah. But now there's a lot of women being like, yeah, this kind of sucks having a job, like it's not as cool as I thought.

Yeah, I think, you know, a lot of people, they identify as what their job is. Yeah. They're like, that's how they describe it. I'm a this. Well, that's, my thing is like, if you're in a two income household and your husband makes enough and you're still working, that's when I start a this. Well, my thing is, if you're in a two-income household and your husband makes enough and you're still working,

that's when I start to question. I'm like, dude, it's one thing. If you're running a fucking company, you're a boss lady. But women are like, I choose to work. And they're like a team associate for Verizon. It's fucking wild. But what if there's a shady, what if there's a prenup and the marriage doesn't work out?

Then you're kind of just relying on him forever. That's true. That's true.'s true then he can like take your cell phone and like get in there's there are those guys who do that. That makes sense that does make sense. I think it's good to have your own thing you know. Yeah. I'm more attracted to women who have their own thing going on. I like soft light. I like soft girls. You want a girl who just waits for you? Waits yeah. No I don't I don't care if a woman works I don't care it is uh I just think there is something like I don't I don't care for woman works. I don't care. It is uh I just think there is something like

I don't know man I I do think there's I do think there's something sad to have it put in a woman's head that like if they're not working They're somehow like sold out their entire species, and they're like if they're brainwashed. It's like that sucks, too Yeah, no, I don't I don't think that way, but I hear you it is nice I will say there is something nice to uh I just don't like the idea of a woman waiting around for me like like she doesn't do anything And then she's like where have you been like I don't like that energy Ah that's totally true cuz I like her to have other shit like that. She's got to deal with I like it's good to have other You're right. No you are right because I would say that is the downfall of a soft girl

Whatever the fuck they're called the where are you techs increased by 500% once you go from a boss lady to a soft girl It's like there's nothing just dishing off. Where are you? I swear to God when you said soft girl I thought it was gonna be like some like a trans like man, but like the penis doesn't work I really thought cuz like cuz Sweden is so fucking liberal. I was like it's gonna be something like that Well, dude, it is there is something Apparently yes, we did is the most liberal place And that's why they're kind of like like what the fuck's going on because a lot of women now

They're like all right We set we like laid the path for Jordan Peterson talks about this you laid the path for gender equality And there's like they have more people than ever who are like fuck that I'm just gonna stay at home be a traditional wife Which whatever it's also, but that's also there. You know that's I guess it's weird If you had a male friend who would do that. Like, I'm just gonna like hang out. You know, like, alright. Cause I have a friend like that and he hits me up for money and I'm like, dude, just fucking do something. Do something, yeah.

He's trying. Is he a soft dad or is he like, no, he just chills? He fucked, he had this woman who like, was a hard worker and she like, wanted to have a family with him and he was just like, nah, I'm good. And he's just like a single dude now. I'm like, dude, you really misplayed your hand here. Yeah. I'm getting like Venmo requests from him. I'm like, dude, come on, $60. You got to get your life together. That's true. Now there's, you did make a strong case for a boss lady because it is true. You do want kind of someone who has their own thing going on or else they're going to be fucking bugging you. I just think it's nice. You have another thing. It's just like, you know, it could be anything. It doesn't have to be like a crazy, but just have something else because you don't look at the divorce rate.

You nothing, I mean you hope things work out, but no, it's about 50. I think we just came down for 50 to like 48 percent. Really? Yeah, so that's all right. It's high. It's still pretty fucking high. But that's it's you know, what you know, why there's a reason people are getting less. Why is it? Wait, getting divorced less? Yeah. Two percent is something, right? That's pretty good. Yeah. That's two. You said 48 instead of 50. I thought it was. So it went down a little bit. It went down a little bit. It's all geographically. I think abortion went down slightly too. Did it really? Yeah. Maybe people are just being maybe people are just being a little safer.

Who knows? Yeah, I wonder. Because the saddest divorces I've seen are when people don't even hate each other at the end, when they're just kind of like, eh. It ran its course. Yeah, when two people just lose all passion for each other and just go like, eh.

Yeah, you think you're going to have a season for Carmella, Tony blowout on The Sopranos, but then at the end you're just like yeah yeah I've always thought dead I always thought that was the saddest like virgins you hear people like yeah we just one day looked at each other and we're like no it was pretty mutual and peaceful Mike that sucks you'd want it to be like but if you have kids that's what you need cuz that's the bad ones you've seen those where you're like holy shit they just hate each other I've seen people who stay together who fucking hate each other and that's that makes me sad too.

That's bad. Because you're just like, you hate going home. That friend who will stay out with you all night, and you're like, man, this person rocks, and you're like, oh, they're deeply unhappy. That's why they're still drinking with me. You're just so grateful, they're like, this person wants to party, but they hate their home life.

That's true, that is the one thing where when the divorce rate is at 40% It's like yeah a lot of marriages like just growing up you see you're like damn these guys hate each other So that is a sad thing too to like if there's no easy way because it is gonna be stressful But it's like yeah, when do you throw in towels like a weird question and mostly women initiate divorce? Yeah, it's mostly women who initiate it which is yeah. That's I've always been struck by that, but it's like. Yeah, maybe women put more stock in happiness. I think dudes are kind of more comfortable being miserable.

Women are like, am I happy? They're more introspective. I think women question things more than we do. I'm happy to just go through life being like, I need a joke, I need this. But then every once in a while when you face your feelings, you're like, oh my God like it'll scare because women are just like trained to deal with their feelings yeah all the time we're not so

when I you know I'm just like I'm like I don't I'm feeling something I don't like whiskey please you know just like yeah but you know yeah they're in communicado all the times with each other about like what's stressing them what's going on they are good about that But sometimes it could be too much where I'm like dude Well, you're invalidating my feelings They don't apply to the problem. Just getting in our way turn it off now. They have it down and fucking deal Yeah, but you're you know you are kind of right. I think they They they I've talked about this before but one time I was with my wife

And she she was like freaking out where it's like bedtime. She was just like panicking. I could hear her breathing weird. I'm like, what's the matter? And she was like, I'm I just tell me What's wrong dude? She listed a rapid-fire response of like six problems at once that had like sub problems about like this person and I was like stop right now it Was so fast and it was just like so organized Yes it was like this Interconnected web of like this person that and this happened and then they thought this and now and it was just like so organized. Yes It was like this interconnected web of like this person that and this happened and then they thought this and now and I was

Just like yeah, I was like, alright, I don't ever want to glimpse into that ever again But I was like that's I feel for you. Was it a work problem or just like a home problem? I did I don't even remember it was more of like a friend group slash work thing that she was freaking out Oh, dude, it was like you watch these I don't watch them But some of my girlfriend will have these like Real Housewives shows on and I'm like you're just Manufacturing problems. I know that they're like fake and they're written and stuff But these people just the idea of these people who have nothing going on They're like this person didn't invite me to a party and that's like an arc

Yeah, and you're like, that's your life. That is that's a that's like a punch in the stomach and girl world though You have a party. That's true. You have a part But sometimes it's even less than that someone's like this person like cut me off or was rude to me and you're just like all right yeah hold the grudge you're right the party thing is actually that was a bad example no but no that doesn't make sense though it is it is dumb but it is like that's a that is a thing since women don't like it does suck to not get invited to a party I don't want to go but I do want to be invited yeah man like I don't want to go

to weddings ever but like when I don't get the invite I'm a little like that's a bummer I get kind of sad as well I really like not like to go, but I do want to be invited. Yeah, man. Like, I don't want to go to weddings ever, but like when I don't get the invite, I'm a little like, eh, it's a bummer. I get kind of sad as well. I really like not like to go to almost anything. But if I don't get invited, I don't want to fuck with you. You just want to be thought of. You don't want to actually do it. You just want the...

It's almost like at a certain point, the consent is better than the sex. Yeah. We're like, that woman was like, that woman would fuck you. And you're like, what? That's amazing. And then you just go home and you jack off.

And you're like, who cares? Yeah, exactly. I don't need the fucking sex I don't want to yeah, I don't want to I want to keep the fantasy in my head Yeah, yeah, the sex would ruin it the sex would she would be like oh that was horrible and you're being off fuck Yeah, it stinks, but the idea that it could have happened. You're like I'm fucking yeah, I that's uh I always wonder It's like especially when you're when you're before you're married you do like you're like alright I'm gonna have sex it better be good now. It's like I don't know I mean it's good. It's great, but if I get if you'll just let me in there

I'm like thank you, man. Yeah, you get to the point. I just get like sad and resentful about that now I'm like that is actually nice. You're not wanting to have sex and let me do that any I'm like that's thank you for that Consider it. That's very nice. I mean it's very nice If you didn't have to do that next time show some little more fucking spirit, right? I'm dating someone I was walking back to the hotel from the comedy club last night and some woman was like, oh my, she was like so excited to see me. I was like, oh what's up? And I was like, well I was, she's like, I'm a big fan. I was like, oh shit, cool. And we were talking a little bit. She was attractive.

And I was like, man, if I was single, I would try to have sex with her and I would lose a fan. Might as well just keep the fan. True, true, true. I'm better at comedy than that. That is really funny, dude. That is, yeah, I've never, see, I've always been married. I never got to like sexually interact with my family. How long have you been married? Five years. Oh, okay.

So I've been married. I didn't get it when it was like good, really. I feel like, because I was always just so quickly out of a breakup and it was just like, I was too sad or I like when, you know know, I would ruin it. I remember I fucked an older woman in Portland once and I was so sad after a breakup. She's like a divorced woman, she had a really nice house.

And right after I came, she was like, what's wrong? I'm like, I just missed my ex. And then she was like asking about it and I was like, I'm sorry, it's just like very fresh. And she was just like, well, it sounds like she doesn't want you back. and I was like, I'm sorry, it's just like very fresh and and she was just like, well it sounds like she doesn't want you back and I was like, she might. We got like an argument about her. I was like, it could work. And I was like, wow, this is like the worst one night stand ever. I suck. There is something cool though about like the divorced lady energy.

Oh, she was like, I'm glad those ladies are out there. Oh my God, I love it. Like, fuck your ex. She has like a million dollar house. She's like, yeah, things don't work out there. Oh my god I love it. Like fuck your ex. She says like a million dollar house. Yeah she's like yeah things don't work out kid. I haven't seen my kids in six months. They fucking hate me. Yeah that is kind of funny to be like don't she doesn't want you. I know she was right. Oh really? She was definitely right but I mean I wasn't ready to hear it. I was still sad and you're just trying to numb yourself on the road. It's like any way it's what I'm saying you're just trying to numb yourself on the road it's like anyway it's what I'm saying you're trying to avoid the feelings if you have to I've gotten better just feeling when I'm sad yeah

true or you know what you were saying in that podcast the other day like just forcing yourself I'm not like working out hard but I'll go to the gym and you get a little boost you know do something yeah yeah no that helps me I've been good at that like I've been trying to do a thing where I just like if I'm in a hotel my first instinct is like I'm just gonna Fucking watch porn and jerk off because otherwise I can't fall asleep otherwise and I've been like forcing myself to just lay in my bed and just feel whatever that feeling is of like Before that I could just would go away if I just jerked off. I know it's so tempting. It's like made up perfectly for it

It's bad. It's crazy and I'm like what is going on in me and then I like and I'll sit there and feel it I'm like I'm like picking this fall asleep naturally and then I will actually get relaxed and then I'll just watch porn and jerk off. I'm like oh now I'm really gonna fall asleep. I did the exact same thing last night. The only difference between me now and me and like in my 20s is I read afterwards. Oh nice. I had my book with me I was like I'll read a few pages then I'll fall asleep. That is yeah like nobody needs melatonin. I still watch porn and jerked off, but I, you know. You read your book. I read my book. That's, dude, that is, the melatonin company does not want you to hear this, but yeah, you watch porn and then read a book. You could do it. You do not need melatonin. You get sleepy. You do. I read every night before bed. I love it, man. What are you reading?

Right now I'm reading a book called Money and the meaning of life. That's like it's pretty good It says this professor talking is like a comparative religion professor Who just like yammers on about like how money is like central to like? Just like it's so deeply embedded in people's psyches And how it's like we're pretty unique in that regard as like a civilization because it's like relatively new I guess And he just says like how you just need like to come up with a way in life that like money's always going to be important if you try to tell yourself it's nothing you're just fooling yourself because it's like you're when you put like a lesser or base desire you try to banish it from

your consciousness it just becomes wild and then just like goes crazy and like goes out of control. So his whole thing was like just try to make money the second most important thing in your life because he's like it's probably The most important thing for pretty much everyone is understandable that it is But if like you can make it the second most important thing he's like that's an amazing achievement That's true and family will be your number one No me No, yeah

Family just anything anything you're doing it gets into the gift economy how a true gift Yeah, never stops moving like you're like it, there's like a, I don't know, but yeah, he's like, if you can make it second most and it's like, you know, money's tied in with all of your other kind of like creaturely concerns, or he's like, if you can try to somehow make that second most important, he's like, amazing achievement. That's pretty, it was a good, it was a good lesson. Yeah, sometimes you just need to be reminded of things that we kind of already know. Yeah, exactly. You kind of know it But a guy's just like but it's it's with everything. It's like fuck sometimes. You just see a comedian You're like oh, yeah, I'm just supposed to be funny

Yep, somebody just it's just so simple like you see the most obvious message in a movie or book and you're like Why did I I know that but why did I lose sight of it all the time? Yeah, it happens all and that's what you're saying is like when you try to banish these things from your consciousness They just kind of work in the shadows and just take right over again without you even knowing but yeah That's that's helped me a lot in stand-up is I used to always fucking panic everywhere They go fuck now. I'm just like there's people here. They want to laugh I'm gonna do my best you had anxiety to perform you mean yes, they have all the time. Yeah all the time Yeah, yeah, I just sit there go. I dread it

I get really and then I'm on and I feel fine once I get the first laugh. I feel fine, but. Yeah, I would just sit there and go, ugh. I dread it. I get really, and then I'm on and I feel fine. Once I get the first laugh, I feel fine. But like, yeah, I dread the waiting. Yeah, and I'll. A comic before me could run the light by two minutes. I'm like, oh, you're killing me. Get the fuck off. I just want to fucking go on.

I know. Yeah, I've like relaxed a lot. But if I'm in a new scenario, like when I moved down to Texas, I'd go to the mothership, I was just like. It's a new, you have to prove yourself all over again. Yeah, it's, and I.'s and I mean a lot of people know you but you still have to cut you feel like you have to prove It's true And I had it was like working on pretty much newish material because I like did the special and like I was like still trying To like build up like an hour

So I was it was like I was just shitting myself the whole time But it's like now now I've like try to take myself out of the equation as much as much as I can is be like I just these people want to laugh I'm gonna try to make them laugh and if I don't do well it was a valiant effort and I'm not gonna like freak out or be like you know like that stuff is bad I used to always think like it's always it's one set it's not gonna change my life in any way if you get a new joke cool but like this I'm not ruining myself over this set. Yeah. Although Michael Richards might've thought the same thing.

So you never know. True, true. But that's how I feel. Everyone bombs out, yeah, everyone. Everyone says the N-word a bunch to strangers in the crowd. It'll be, luckily camera phones aren't a real thing yet. Wait a second, yeah. No, I should've had the yonder bag, dude.

Yonder bag's so important. Yeah, Chappelle has it to protect material. Other comics are like, I might have a racist tirade. I just need, no, but I really do feel that way. Like nothing really that bad is gonna happen. You know, like, just give them the best show you can, especially when you're like really, you know, you're working on stuff and you're building

and hopefully the crowds now are sophisticated enough to understand like how we have to do this. So they know, you know, they listen to enough podcasts and stuff, or you're doing your show on your tour and you're like, this is where it's at right now, I hope it's good enough, but like, it'll get there, you know? For sure, you still get those psychos,

like, so you're gonna do the same thing on the next show? And you're like, yes, I am the fuck out of here. Do you like make it up every time? Like, no, dude, what the fuck do you think I am? I know, people think that. I know. Isn't that crazy? They're like, so you're gonna do like,

what are you gonna do for the next show? It's like something totally different. I'm like, oh. Well you do. I mean, look, there are moments where we're riffing. So they think that maybe the other stuff, there are moments where we're like, at the end of the show, I'll fuck around with the crowd.

I'll like, we went to current event. I'll try to, you know, or I'll do whatever, say if you have. That's kind of fun, yeah. Stuff like that just to, cause I get bored with the material anyway, but like, yeah, the fact that they think it's all off the dome is insane. It's crazy.

But that would be so fucking, I mean, I've seen, there are dudes, I think Rory Scoville would do some shit. He did a whole special where he just went completely off the dome. He's a different breed though in that way. I think that normal comics, you just can't. No, I wouldn't, I don't know. That would be, it'd be a fun experiment,

but it's also like. But it would do a disservice. Like, can you imagine like Chris Rock off the dome, as opposed to like seeing his, I wanna I don't know that would be it'd be a fun experiment But it's also like it would do a disservice like can you imagine like Chris Rock off the dome as opposed to like seeing his pie I want to hear his polished stuff. Yeah, yeah true. Yeah, it's one of those things that sounds cool But you'd also have to tell the audience that way they they're bought in so they're not just kind of like the fuck is this Guy doing I know but Well, dude, I think you crushed it man. I think we're running the hour. Thank you so much. Oh fun. Yeah It's a blast. Thank you the most we've ever spoken. I know yeah, if you're in New York, you had to come by ours, you know Please that'd be all yeah. Yeah, this is what I it's I've been video recording my basically first time really meeting people. It's really sweet

It's really cool. It's really awesome Dude, thank you. What do you have? Do you have anything you want to yeah, you know, I'm on tour like crazy start in January I got you know some clubs to warm up in like San Antonio Liberty and Liberty Township, Ohio, which is like somewhere near Cincinnati I think nice and then and then Pittsburgh improv and then it's just like all theaters going forward and We're doing the bus. So it's like Charlotte Richmond DC Philly You know Tulsa, fucking Austin, Dallas, West Coast, every city.

So it's just samorail.com slash shows. And if you don't see it, it'll be there. It'll be there in the fall. I'm coming everywhere. So that's Sigurd, I'm so jealous of his tour name. I'm coming everywhere. Is that what it is? That's what he calls it, what a great tour name.

That is pretty good. But yeah, so it's just my website, go to shows, and I'm really coming every city and it's it's a new hour And I feel I feel like it's getting there. It'll be it'll be good by then so hell Yeah, dude, you better get the you better get the fuck out there and go there And we got our whiskey bodega cat which is gonna be it's me and mark normans whiskey. I brought your bottle It's it's good stuff. It's it's everywhere in New York now. It's gonna be everywhere here soon, so I'm okay. That's awesome Oh, yeah, well, thanks for coming dude. Thanks for having me appreciate that Thank you guys. Love you guys. Goodbye