Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 547 - The Bourguignon Shuffle (feat. James McCann)

Episode Date: February 20, 2025

Watch James' standup titled 'HEY AMERICA' now on our YouTube Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Support Jimby @ https://www.jdfmccann.com/ Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Good Morning everyone. This week we're joined by our beloved James. Watch his new stand up set on our YouTube! Beef Bourguignonnnnnnnnnnn. Please enjoy. God Bless. Visit https://www.betterhelp.com/MSSP to get 10% off your first month If you’re 21+, check out https://viiahemp.com/ and use code MSSP for 15% off AND if you’re new to VIIA - get a free gift of your choice.

All right, hey, we're here live today and our guest today is Simple Jack. Don't worry about it, he says. We actually just took him off a stick in a cornfield. He was a scarecrow. I think it's cool. It's what the kids are doing. I'm part of the young Latin Kings running around the streets. It's good. It is a Paul Brother haircut. You got a Paul Brother haircut. True. I was on the phone to Shane immediately before getting the haircut.

And I said, the barber has a monkey because there was a small monkey at the barbershop. Say what? There was a monkey at the barbershop near where we live and it had pajamas on and was on a leash. Did you let the monkey cut your hair? No. The monkey was in the next room screaming and very unhappy. He had like an angry monkey in the next room screaming and very unhappy for he had a really angry monkey. They were like 18 guys working in the barbershop and one of them had a monkey. I've never seen this before anyway. And you were like, that's the that's where I want to go.

It was the most affordable place to have your haircut in the area. Everywhere else was I went to another barber first and they said, you need an appointment. And I thought that broke the barber's code of like just walk in and hang out yeah can I just talk baseball that was the original barbershop quartet you would stand outside of the barbershop and dudes would just harmonize and just get down barbers used to keep musical instruments in their place just to keep the party going on it yeah you just you would chill and just be like oh your, oh, oh, oh, with like four of your boys and fire them up. For the longest time.

You would just be at like the ye olde hair cuttery and just be like, oh, oh, oh, oh. White people started that. Yeah, true. In England. They would keep like a loot handy in the case. The barbershop? It's a white thing.

It kind of, I mean dude, barbershop, chill culture. Now white haircuts are just either guys with those mustaches or go to the hair cuttery at Walmart. Yeah. Now we're talking a cut. There's no, there's not a hair cuttery at Walmart. Yeah, they would have done you better than the monkeys.

I keep thinking of signing up to the Walmart bank. Every time I'd said I went to the barbershop and they had a monkey, people did say that. Monkey cut. People looked at me like I was dropping some terrible slur. It's not a bad haircut. It's not that bad. It's not that you got to pick someone of your race to cut your hair. The worst one I had was an Asian barber who had no idea what to do with hair.

It was worse. Yeah, I've had a worse. This is not the worst haircut, if you can believe it. Best one I had was an ex con in Adelaide. That was great. Yeah, I got a mullet. They knew what to do. They were respectful. You should get a great. Yeah. I got a mullet. They knew what to do. They were respectful. Yeah, you should get a mullet.

I let the mullet grow out too much and then I immediately look like a woman, a fat woman from behind. Oh man. Well, James, the special's doing great. You gotta feel good. Yeah, man. It was meant to be an hour and then I had a panic attack

and I cut it right down, so I'll do another one. But thank you for having it come out. I drank raw milk and then I had a panic attack and I cut it right down So I'll do another one, but thank you for coming out I drank raw milk and then I was vomiting everywhere. I know I hear you had a bad experience Yeah, I was devastated that the rule that was the conversation we had because he was like I think it was the raw milk and I Was like, I don't know. I just got a problem Matt gave me raw milk. It was great. Yeah, it was the most delicious Sucked Matt's raw milk down and it felt great But then he was like now I had I had like seven glasses. Yeah I sucked Matt's raw milk down and it felt great. But then he was like, no, I had like seven glasses.

Yeah. I drank like most of a gallon. How long? The regular milk would fucking do that too. What did you say? You crushed almost a gallon. It was too good. It is so good.

It's so good. It tasted like a secret. You know, there is like a thing about how milk itself is like white supremist That's why I wanted the right-wing milk I wanted to see what it was like and the guy who was selling it looked he was handsome He had big shot. He was the only person at the farmers market who actually looked healthy Everyone else looks weak and faded and unusual but not drinking the wrong man Didn't trust anyone else but I they're not fucking drinking the wrong milk They say that they're like

There is like almost like a Nazi Aryan connection where they try to say like the original Mythical Aryans were the only people who could digest cow's milk. Well, I'm a race trader as well as being sick No, I don't live up to Hitler's ideals with my food No, they say like you just drank too much you go back to the raw milk I think You just drank too much. You want to go back to the raw milk? I think I know it's not enough for me to I know you're gonna go back to the beef bourguignon I thought that would be good if I ever have a production company I know be pretty we could have bourguignon productions and then yeah, yeah, did you throw up the bourguignon? Yeah, me and him went out one night in Philly

Yeah, did you throw up the burgundy on yeah me and him went out one night in Philly Well, I never told you this no and he got Shit-faced at dinner and he got beef burgundy on and then we got back to my apartment He was fucking puke and he was like shine don't follow me Many showed it to my wife I was like, I'm not. Then he showed it to my wife. I try and say that we work hard when we're on the road. He's like, Jeff, so fucked up. Look at him, vomiting beef bourguignon.

But the beef bourguignon, like in between, he vomits so loud. It's like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I don't know how to throw up quietly. It's not an easy thing to manage. Is vomiting accented?

I never thought about that. No, I'd make a noise. Is vomiting accented? At the end of it. Yeah, at the very end of it, you can hear a little Australian. He's like, waaah. It's the chanda. That's why it has a special name.

Beef bourguignon. Why would an Asian vomit be like, whoot. Beef bourguignon. It's got to be sort of be slightly acts on it. Yes, you found I think the end of a black vomit you I'm not gonna make fun of you. Take you on podcast and let everybody know about not going to make fun of you. Take you on podcast and let everybody know about it. I'm not going to make fun of you. He's walking shirtless back to the bathroom.

That's a burgundy on shuffle. It's a burgundy on shuffle. Like, leave me alone. Stop. You don't have to lock it. You don't have to lock it. It's pretty loud. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. No, no, no. Get to boogin y'all. It's very funny.

I'll leave you alone. All right. I'm done. Come on. Isn't that. But wouldn't that be a good. I do. I do. Like at the end of a sitcom, the credits come up and then he goes, oh, I'm going to be a good. So I do. I get the end of a sitcom.

The credits come up and then he is. Oh, Berguignon. But, you know, absolutely. I think that was the Berguignon coming up. It was great. It was not the Berguignon's fault. Yeah, it's one of my favorite. I had the Beaujolais with the Berguignon. What were you drinking?

I was drinking a beautiful wine. Yeah, we had some nice wine. I cannot pace myself with wine. It's very- I'm telling you, wine used to be like fucking badass. That was like fentanyl back in the 20s. Undiluted wine? Wine was for real, like sailors and badasses.

It was considered, if you're doing 1910, or even the late 1800s, if you drank wine, you were like an absolute fucking monster. I think it went for like winos. Yeah, they call it. When you read like Bukowski's like a fucking in skid row with all the wine. Exactly. You guys are just drinking wine.

Dude, Franzia hit the block in like 1890 and dudes are like completely Franzia made it to me. You fucking get a box of that shit. Yeah. Do you know about the cocaine wine that the pope was on? What? They would, yeah, back when Coca-Cola and people were mixing cocaine with their products,

there was a special cocaine wine. And the Vatican ordered thousands of bottles of this wine and the Pope was just loving it. Have you seen the Pope right now? He's not doing well. He looked like shit. Yes, we might have a con class at some point. Pope John Paul, no.

Frankie. Francis. Oh, Pope Francis. He had bronchitis, they said, so he couldn't even talk. He was just up there like. He's been unwell for a while. He's not stepping down. His head and his fucking neck fat is,

I mean, I'm not one to judge on that category, but god damn. Yeah, he'd be getting the Biden treatment. His neck fat is like. Like the dude from Mad Max. It's truly impressive. Let me see this. I think he only had one lung to begin with Here's double pneumonia like his

We must pray for the Pope. I'm not making fun of them, but they they did him dirty with this Damn, he's I didn't realize the Pope is that fucked up. He's only like the post was doing dirty on this dude Sleepy yeah, I don't gotta do that to him. Yeah, it's He's only like the post was doing dirty on this. Do you know what the sleepy? Yeah, I don't got to do that to him. Yeah, it's a great part at the end. I mean, again, I'm not going to say I'm not going to rush this pope, but we do need a new pope.

It's time. Ready for cool, young American pope. When the young pope activated me, that's what the church needs. What do we elect Francis? Wasn't it? Oh, like ages ago. It was like 10 years ago. He was the first guy to come out. He was like, it's a hard job. He was looking all right.

It was. Yeah, he was decent. This is he had a bit of a twinkle in his eye. Double pneumonia, cocaine, wine, beef, bugging you. You got the bugging you going. That would be a cool life. And like the absolute utter, like the top hierarchy of the church would be probably sick as hell. Have you seen the new Conclave movie?

No, it's very good. It's not as good as the young pope. That's all I could do. But it is they it's great until the last 10 minutes when you find out spoiler that the the guy they've just elected is intersex pope with a womb. And then it's like, it's written by Church of England guys, so they're all just like very sensitive, like, wouldn't that be interesting? What is a man? This was a great drama about one of the one of the candidates had a secret family. He was black and homophobic and people like you only like him because he's black and they're all having it. It's great. There's like arguments and what's the future of the church and then just at the end?

There's a terrorist attack and people go let's get the trans woman or the intersex person It's a problematic, but Ray finds is great and Stanley Tucci Everything Stanley looks like a serious like religious drama that ends with a trans pope. Yeah Intersex fuck. Oh shit. You mean I wish I... You mean like a natural one? Like a natural trans? Yeah, like it's a little Mexican guy who's like, I found out that I had a uterus. They're killing the Mexicans with this trans shit.

What? They got this and fucking... They got another big trans person? There's a big Mexican trans movie. Really? Amelia... It's like getting all the Oscars. Amelia Perez. I watched it.

How was it? It's fucking terrible. It's one of the worst pieces of shit I've ever seen. It's about a Mexican trans? It's about a cartel leader that transitions. Nice. They quit the cartel and the way they're hiding is transitioning.

Okay. But instantly the character becomes like a sympathetic character. Oh, I thought you said. It's like, yeah, they would just be heading everyone It's like all the trance. Yeah, I love them. So they want and it's a fucking musical With not really good singing sounds right as a description if someone said this is my Musical yeah, that's why I like it's a cool. It's a cool premise. Yeah cartel boss becomes

Yeah, basically. Yeah becomes a trans and then comes back They think that the family think then he misses downfires the family nice It truly does he comes back to his family and he's like, it's me what yeah Which it was clearly him. I sure you're watching keeping up with the Kardashians We had that conversation For real we while we were watching it It was like damn This is what it must have been like way like a little girl is holding or he's holding a little girl as a woman now

Yeah, I was like I just miss my dad so much. He like I miss the way he smelled he was I loved him and the Mrs. Doubtfire's like oh Did you ever see the Kardashians episodes where Bruce is obviously starting to transition into Caitlin? No. They're hiding it from the audience. There's like two seasons where it's just,

the hair gets longer, gets smoother, he moves out of the house. They go, the marriage is fine. I'm just living in a different house across town. But then it's still, he just like long weird hair, just demolishes everybody in table tennis. He's working through some feelings. Just beating all the demolishes everybody in table tennis is working through some feelings It's a great weird arc where everyone's going this is normal nothing's wrong. Yeah, I mean that was I

Still I I've like forever tipped my hat To the Bruce Katelyn. It's a wild move. Yeah, just to be like peace To the Bruce Kaitlin. It's a wild move. Yeah, just to be like peace Because then that forces your wife to divorce you. Yes, and you can be like I didn't want this many a time in a bad relationship I thought about because you never want to break up with someone you want them to break up with you That's how I always feel. Yeah, it's like I could become gay I genuinely was trans then you'd have to leave and just to sweet the deal you get to be a lesbian It is sick Bruce's a lesbian And just to sweeten the deal you get to be a lesbian

It is sick Bruce's less or excuse me. Yeah, Lynn is a lesbian Okay, it was the nastiest one good for you Caitlin is a lesbian which is like to break up to get divorced and become a lesbian might be Dunking on a lady as hard as you possibly can yeah Be like I'm a fucking girl and still fucking yeah Did Bruce go the whole part of me? Excuse me. Bless you. Thank you. Did the Jenna person remove the sex organ?

Yeah, I don't think so. If they did not, you're exactly right. This is the ultimate. Yeah, it's the best move possible. You have tits. Just get some fucking jugs. Hold up. Sex changer or no. In 2017, Caitlyn Jenner underwent a bottom surgery. In what year? 2017. OK. So that thing's been going for a while.

That thing's been going. Well, hey, man, you can now you can fully lez out now. Also, you can't certainly you definitely can't come. There's no way if they build you a vagina, you you can't do with the orgasm coming. You know, hey, Kate, you're making me sick right now. Why are you talking about other people's genitals? They didn't push it on you.

I don't know if you've been to a library. That's all it is. I still get that prostate going and it's just probably it's probably a nuclear explosion when you cut off the fucking Yeah, bees Probably puke it up Where's it go? There's nothing further from coming. Much that particular garment. Yeah, great question.

I know. Yeah, I don't know. Can they still hit the prostate on? Right. I think they somehow attach your old penis head to your belly button so that you can kind of like a remote control. Mine might fit. I might not break the surface. I got a deep belly button and a remote control. You can go. Mine might fit. Mine might not break the surface. I got a deep belly button and a tiny dome.

It'd be perfect. You'd be on Cirque. I might be able to hide it. You'd be on Cirque. This'll be my little secret. I have a little door in my shirt. Just a little joystick. What are you doing?

A little mouse. A little door. I go, ooh. The Indian in the Cupboard. Yeah, that is, that's like an age old mystery. It's a great movie. I don't know why that disappeared. I don't know why people aren't celebrating

India in the Cupboard. They never pushed, there's no like Indian in the Cupboard merch. Oh, I guess maybe they're, yeah, cause it's Indian. Was that one? And the bird that could talk in the basement, I think it was called Pauly.

Remember there was a little parrot in the basement who lived a beautiful life. I don't remember that one. I remember the Wee Indian in the Cupboard. Yeah. I remember, that was a pro-Indian movie, I think. Wasn't it? I don't remember. He wasn't just a toy, he was a pro-Indian movie, I think. Wasn't it? I don't remember.

He wasn't just a toy. He was a man who had his land taken away. Yeah, for sure. But you're probably kind of pissed at, like, if you're Native American, you're like, we're in a fucking cupboard now? What the fuck? You don't want to be a sports team, a kick-ass sports team.

You don't want to be a tiny white child's toy in a cupboard. But he learns peace with the cowboy. Right. I think that was the point of the movie Yeah, I don't even remember they probably want to revenge covered the board of the toys to life But then the the cowboy toys like we're getting him We're getting that Indian that'd be a cool movie of like in say you know they do that movie like when Hitler won like Quote-unquote if the Indian Native Americans won that'd be cool. That would be said we lost and is all became Native Americans the Native Americans one, that'd be cool. That would be sick.

We lost and just all became Native Americans. Everyone is last to Amorites. All the Europeans that came here just kept losing. Yeah. For 400 years. Yeah. Everyone's just like, I'm going, I'm gonna fucking get it this time.

I think the Ethiopians were the only ones. Nope, the only one of us, brother. Yeah. The Ethiopians did it. The Ethiopians survived. They kept trying to take the Ethiopians, brother. Yeah. That happened a lot. The Ethiopians did it. The Ethiopians survived. They kept trying to take the Ethiopians. They held on.

Did they really? And the Siamese managed to hold on. The Thai people. Think they're the only ones who got their own monarchy. And the Japanese, that's it. Yeah, Ethiopia was still. They all had great music in the 70s. Ethiopia held it down.

Held down the battle. Even when the WAPs came and knocking recently. Really? Yeah, Mussolini tried to get in there. Although they do have, Ethiopia's do have a very distinct, I guess, cause they're on like, there are they only towards the tip of Africa. There was a guy in Chicago. No, this is all right. This is weird, but they don't,

there's like a ruling class of Ethiopia and they don't think it's biological. They can't find like a gene that does it. But if you joined the ruling class of Ethiopia and they're all from all over the place, they all just all over the place, they all just start looking the same for some reason. No one, no one can figure it out. What? It's very strange, but you can pick Ethiopian.

Like you guys can see. Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah. Ethiopian and Somalian are very distinct. Yeah. Yeah. Kenyan, I'm getting better at Kenyan. The tribes within Kenya, I got nothing. Yeah. I cannot.

You'll figure it out. Messiah. Yeah, I used I should deliver beer to a couple Ethiopian restaurants back in the day and I remember being like yeah you once you like get in you're like oh I could spot these from anywhere yeah 7-eleven by our old house yeah yep Ethiopian fellers great Ethiopians I went on a date with the owner of that 7-Eleven. Brief one date. What? Yeah, no, no, no, the owner's daughter. She was like, I met the owner, dude.

That was a guy. That was an Ethiopian guy. The owner's daughter. I went on a date with the owner's daughter and I was like kind of starstruck. She's like, my dad owns a 7-Eleven, a Lancaster. I was like, bro, I've been in that 7-Eleven. I walked through that 7-Eleven.

I've been so high in that store so many times. It was cool, we just like, damn have you ever met the black guy that opens the door? Yeah. He's the man. Yeah, I was really, I always remember being like, what the fuck? Yeah. Holy shit.

That's crazy. Yeah, there was a 7-Eleven near Drexel University that was just, I think it was honestly the highest grossing 7-Eleven. It had to be. It was non-stop. Is there anything special about the 7-Eleven or just the place? Just the location. Yeah, it was just the highest grossing 7-eleven. It had to be. It was non-stop. Is there anything special about the 7-eleven or just the placement?

Just location. Yeah, it was just right on a college campus. I mean Ethiopians were great. They were great. Ethiopians are also beautiful ladies. Yes, very much so. But yeah, there was the line. Some of the dudes there had a bit of attitude.

Like some of the cashiers, yeah. Some of the youngsters had a bit of an attitude. But they were getting... The clientele seemed to have the biggest attitude. They were getting assaulted. I ran into the clientele a lot. Yeah, true. Yeah, I will say American... These are just drunk college kids and the locals. Yeah, I've witnessed... The locals and the drunk college kids. Everyone was disrespecting the... A lot of Mr. Disrespectfuls.

A lot of Mr. Disrespectfuls. Yeah, it was very much... I remember Everyone was disrespecting the Yeah, it was very much I remember witnessing my first ever like black American versus like Middle Eastern which I believe Ethiopian could be almost mistaken for Middle Eastern. Yeah, and it's dude. It was on unforgiven unforgiving of just trying to get a salmon cream cheese bagel and just being like, put it on there Obama. It's like, yeah. Mine was a lottery ticket dispute. Oh. I was the, they almost like looked at me as like a mediator. Both sides kept going to me.

Like I was next in line and they kept going like. Successful lottery ticket? Yeah. What was, how do you have a lottery ticket dispute? Oh, it was just taking, I think there was a language barrier a little He wanted to buy it was about it wasn't even redeeming a prize. It was getting the opportunity. Yeah I think it was redeeming tickets. I think the guy was maybe going too slow for the customers

He wanted his money to get more scratchy. He wants his money and he wants it now. You call him scratchies Yeah scratch off. Yeah scratch off. Yeah Yeah, i'm back on that Huh? I lost my card, so now I have to pay with my phone. Like, I have to pay ahead of time because I can't insert the card I'm waiting. But when I overpay and there's a little gap in the amount of gas to what I've given them. You get some scratches. Give me the scratches. Don't later it.

Oh, because you got to prepay. You scratch. I got to prepay now. That's all I want to spend my excess money on is a little scratch. I try not to, I'm not overdoing it. I'm not going, give me $400 worth of gasoline. There's that there are the hundred dollar scratch offs I've seen people do those and it's like Crazy when I was door-to-door sales, I would do that to get through the day. I would walk around with that

That's how I knew I didn't realize I was depressed so cable television door-to-door until one like what? Didn't you spent $50 on scratch off cards every day. That's new. Yeah, I always forget, I mean a lot of people play them. They're big, man. My old boss used to rip like several $100 scratch off daily and it was just like, bro, put them down. Since your fingers start getting discolored

from the little people, you can tell that there's a problem. There's a lot of lint following you around. A little tiny bits of plastic. I kind of, yeah, that sounds nice. Little scratchy. Yeah. Yeah, they're exciting. It's a great birthday present for a child.

It's the one bit of gambling that you can get a child in on. Yeah, true. And then they go, let me see what you got there. Let me see that. That would be nice to get a kid a gambling gift. Give him a card. Yeah, we give scratch outs, but I'm saying like, I placed a futures bet on the Anaheim Angels for you.

For you. 150 bucks, this thing's gonna pay out fucking crazy if they win. It's a nice gift. Yeah, putting on like parlays for your... Yeah, I put together a nice parlay for you. Yeah, we'll see, let's watch. It might hit next year, we'll see.

That's really cool. 50 bucks on it. Not bad. Yeah. And if it doesn't hit, you owe me... If it doesn't hit, I'm coming back. Do you know the Eurovision... You owe me 60.

You owe me, there's gonna be, there's a big. Do you know what the Eurovision Song Contest is? Yeah. This is what I, I always think about gambling on it, but this is the year that I finally take it seriously. Because I think I can pick which song is gonna win. They let you know what all the songs are beforehand. Every country in Europe has their own song,

and then they compete and they vote. But I think I could pick the winning song. And I would listen to them and feel it in my heart what was the correct song. What show is this? Eurovision Song Contest. We should be doing that in America. We should go state by state.

They tried it once. They tried it once. It was an enormous failure. I don't know why. We should be doing that in America. We should go state by state. They tried it once. True. They tried it once. It was an enormous failure. I don't know why. We gotta bring it back. We have, you know. We should do state by state everything.

We should do a state fighting contest. That'd be cool. Yeah. Like the America Olympics basically. Yeah. I like America Olympics. Yeah, why do we stop at high school? Oh yeah, I guess we have like the NFL.

Oh, Trump was just talking about this. Really? Yeah, this was one of Trump's first day playing. The America Olympics? Yeah, like the great, yeah, he's like, we're gonna have football. He's like, every state. Yeah, remember he was talking about

like having an American fair? What, like, state of origin? Yeah, he wants to have a fire but world fair. He was like, in that, we're gonna have the American games. Well, it's like, everyone has a football team with the, like. From their state. That's great, we do that in Australia. It's gonna be Steelers and Eagles.

State of origin, but there's only two. No, no, high school. Oh. It'd be like all-star teams from each state. It'd be, we do that in Australia. It's gonna be Steelers and Eagles. No, no, high school. Oh. It'll be like all-star teams from each state. It's gonna be the sickest thing ever, dude. Yeah, what the fuck? Just Wyoming is gonna get crushed by Rhode Island's in trouble.

Oh my God. California and Texas versus Rhode Island and Connecticut. They're gonna get the O'Con man out there. Oh, that's, yeah, his World Fair, dude, a World Fair now would be nice. Yeah, we haven't. Why haven't we had one? Because the French showed you up one time.

True. Mud floods, mud slides. Wait, what was the mud slides? Don't even, you don't even want to know. Did you have a dance in a world fair? No. You don't want to know about the mud floods and the history of Tartaria.

Talking about Tartaria, yeah. No, we don't want to talk about Tartaria. What's Tartaria? Oh, this is the secret society? We don't want to talk about Tartaria. We don't want to talk about it. Can I is the secret society we don't want to talk about Terry covering up all these beautiful architectures with just bricks and shit come on man I don't know they're trying to hire the windows in the ground wait what's start area have to do with the fucking you know we don't we don't want to know You don't even want to know. I want to ask you something.

No, I don't. I did just it. I don't know. Did you ever read Wimble Dog, the script I gave you? Oh, yeah. No, I did not. You did not? OK.

I did not. Because I was, I don't think I've ever spoken to Matt about it, and I've not spoken about it publicly. But. You lost me on the pitch. I did lose you on the pitch when I said the coach was fat. He was like, the coach is just a big, fat, ugly fucker. I didn't say that.

And he's like, I want you to play him. And I was like, all right, piece of shit, I'm not reading that. He's heavy set for a tennis player. But I wanted to, it's a story about an older coach who can't play anymore and if they find this dog. You sure you wanna put the script out? Cause this is big.

Hmm? All right, go ahead. You think I shouldn't describe it? Let's get it. I'll just say it's about a dog who plays tennis. We're now making it a graphic novel. Now keep going, cause I like what happens in Japan. All right. There's a little girl who about a dog who plays tennis. We're now making it a graphic novel. Now keep going, because I like what happens in Japan. All right.

There's a little girl who has a dog, and he's a golden retriever, and he's very good at tennis. It's air-bod, but. Air-bod, but this old coach is like, I wanna win a golden slam. I wanna win, I wanna take this dog to all the great grand slams and win. And that's the only thing worth doing in tennis.

But the first one they have to go to is Japan. And Wimbledon runs into a PR disaster. Yeah, I want him to not shake a guy's hand. Everyone is very in, but they're like great dishonor to not shake a man's hand. They start throwing swords because they want the dog to commit suicide. And then the dog goes up to the opponent's bag and opens it. And child pornography and marijuana come out of the bag

and people go he was a bad guy Wimaldog was right not to shake his hand but then they're only upset about the marijuana they're like the child pornography was good there was some of the best child pornography we've ever seen we love that in Japan but marijuana we don't tolerate at all but I think this is a good family movie I'm gonna I'll say it to you again we're making it a graphic novel and I appreciate I asked very briefly and you said yes, and I didn't get a commitment publicly, but I'm using your, we've started the artwork for Wimble Dog.

I've used your likeness in a graphic novel about. Well, hold on a second. I didn't know it was about child. I didn't know the child born happened. You shut it down. You shut it down. Okay, good. You're not doing the chopping on this one.

All right. It's also not you. It's a character that looks exactly like you in a graphic novel that a man, a beautiful man in Tulsa is drawing at the moment but I think I Think you should you ever get time. Well, what happens to lose Wimbledon? I want to spoil the story about how he has to fight a robot dog at the end with the American open There's also a role for Matt as the evil villain in charge of the Tennis Federation who's offended

that there's a dog competing. Now you see me get a little power hungry. I think Wimble Dog, I mean stand up comedy, that was my love me do, this is my Sergeant Peppers Wimble Dog. Yeah. I'm moving into the future, I really, I believe in it. So that's all for Matt. It doesn't have to be that fat.

Matt's dabbling in graphic arts as well with the. I have. I've seen the cartoons. Oh yeah, true. Prostitute secret prostitute Garfield Patreon project. No, I don't know about this secret prostitute. Yeah, Miss Lasagna, bro. Someone a secret artist

sent me a comic strip is really actually really well done. And you're funny. The Medici family. Family. I was like as call for is you're saying I need more art. He goes, I don't know what to do with this. I'm like, bro, please let me put this on the Patreon. Everyone hates it. I can't stop putting it up there. It's about Garfield becoming a trans street walking prostitute. And then just John trying to get Garfield off the streets. And I would have made him a John. That would have been so easy. John would be trying to buy.

No, John is John's appalled. Just sweet little kitty. Yeah. Then John falls into the underworld in effort to save carfield. What's the dog doing? Odie is part of the Yakuza. Damn, you guys are overlapping a little. Oh, America's ready for a beautiful story about a dog that does. Dude, for real, dog sports, dog's ready for a beautiful story about a dog that does something redemptive.

Dude, for real, dog sports? Dog sports was like a big genre. And then it went away. Hollywood complains that no one's going to see movies and then they're making weird trans Mexican cartel musicals. Make a movie about a dog that wins at sport and people will flock back to the cinema. People were, Air Bud had, what, they have three Air Buds?

There's football, soccer. Probably a couple basketball ones. Yeah. Air Bud went to space. People were much their air bud head what they have three air buds Probably a couple basketball. Yeah. Yeah, everybody went to space. I didn't know that space bud I knew I knew he went to space movie Valhalla. Yeah Beethoven was a great dog who saved the family lassie was a great dog homeward bound is a great dog movie Yeah, I mean I watched that a bunch of times Chances yeah, hold on. What's the the cat's name? Yeah One Word Bound is a great dog movie. Yeah. I mean, I watched that a bunch of times with my kids recently. Chance, Shadow. Chance, yeah. Hold on, what's the? The cat's name?

Yeah. Chance, Shadow. There's 14 there, but movies. Missy? 14. Missy, Missy, Missy? Holy fuck, it's Missy. Is it?

I'm pretty sure. Yeah, I loved the fuck out of that movie. It got me every time. It got me every time. I know. And Shadow fell. I didn't see it coming every single time. Oh, and the dog goes.

Did you ever see My Dog Skip? Frankie Muniz, he's got a beautiful dog. I didn't see it coming every single time. Did you ever see My Dog Skip? It's Frankie Muniz, he's got a beautiful dog. And when it seems like the dog dies, it's a... Really? Dog dying in a movie is the only time I really cry. Yeah. It's a good move though. All the animals in Homeward Bound died.

Like they killed a bunch of animals making that movie. Are you sure you're not thinking of Milo and Otis? Oh yeah, my man. Milo and Otis, they were just... Yeah, because they survived in the end. That was the Korean or Japanese. Milo and Otis? Oh yeah, my bad. Milo and Otis, they were just... Yeah, because they live, they survive in the end. That was the Korean or Japanese... Milo and Otis used to be my go-to. They killed a bunch of dogs to make Milo and Otis?

It was Pugs, it was a puppy Pug and a kitten. You'd have to... They were... And at one point they fight a bear. And apparently they were just tossing those things. There was no need to do that. For real? Yeah, they filmed it for real and they finally got it cuz I think the bear finally got full from pugs

Yeah, oh they definitely in homework bound through a cat into a river they also do that in They really in Milo notice and they lost a couple cats in the river used to be able to kill animals in movies now They've always got a thing saying no animals were harmed I was watching an old Russian movie and a horse really falls down the stairs. That was a hard watch. And then I watched Apocalypse Now. Apocalypse Now is nuts.

And they just have a cow at the end. They cut a cow with a big knife. And they just like hack and like. I mean, if they eat it afterwards, that's kind of, it's like. Yeah, it was. He filmed like a real actual ritual. Yeah.

Like Francis Ford Coppola's wife was like, I just saw some villagers hacking a cow apart. Do you want to put that in the movie? And he went, all right. Obviously. It needs something in the third act to really kibbit. Milo Noda was directed by Masanori Hata. Oh no.

And Kan Ichikawa. I didn't know it was a Japanese movie. It is. I didn't know that either. I've heard, what's his name? Lewis talked about this. It was very funny, yeah. Lewis Gomez was the first person I heard break this story.

Yeah, they were tossing some dogs and... They'd have to get a new replacement pug every time. Pugs luckily look pretty similar. Have you seen their skulls? Yeah. I can't stop thinking about it. What's up with their skulls? Yeah. It's a circle. Oh really? Yeah. It's the ugliest, weirdest. We did that to them. I know. Well, Chinese emperors did that to them to have just a fun little thing. That must have been so tight when you finally like turn a wolf into a tiny little thing. You've done it. Whoa, what the fuck? And when they sneeze their eyes fall out sometimes. Really? Pugs are great. That was another movie idea. I wanted someone, all right, like Greyhound racing. Does it have to be a

Greyhound? Maybe there's a guy who thinks his pug has it in him, you know? But then at the end, the dog sneezes and its eyes fall out. Then a Japanese businessman throws it at a bear. eyes full out. That could be a fun. Then a Japanese businessman throws it at a bear. Having a movie, a heartwarming story about a pug that ends in its eyes falling out from sneezing would be pretty great. Then be like, we're just raising awareness

to pug deformity. But then like, what do you do? Just wipe out the pugs? Just breed it with a slightly longer faced animal. Start breeding, yeah. Start breeding the nose back into the pug. The pug was restoration project Society and you just making a pug sex with great days over a pub and it makes me laugh

It's long. It was huge. She showed me a picture of it was like fucking ten foot long bug It was laying he was laying flat on the porch with its arms and legs out. What the fuck? This is the biggest bug I've ever seen. He was like, oh, that's buffering II Marie What the fuck? This is the biggest pug I've ever seen. He was like, oh, that's Bufferini Marie. His pug's name was Bufferini Marie. Was it a wiener dog mixed with a pug? No, it was just straight pug.

It was just a big one. What? I just love that it had a WAP name, Bufferini Marie. Think of it, Tommy Pope with a pug. Bufferini Marie is so funny. I never really thought about being a dog in an Italian household At an Italian household with all the pasta that they fit, you know the problem with that pug that no no was there Yeah, so skinny. Let's give her the dog. It's gotta be dramatic. It's like the Roman Empire

You're just at the top you're being treated like a fucking absolute god. Yeah true next You know, you're just they're rising up against Your eating delicious cuisine sit on like a nice silk pillow it's better than Irish dog There are dogs got beat I thought you could hit dogs until like maybe six years ago We've discussed I've witnessed Phil Phil punched He fucking punched dogs He punched him in the head Dog was being bad. He hit Riggins. He popped Riggins. That was recently

It was so normal man, I would see I saw dogs getting beat like I Would there was one there was one house I would go to one house where if the dog was seen in the kitchen It would be viciously kicked as hard as possible every day Every I saw it was just a daily occurrence. Well go in the occurrence Kitchen it was like this orange shitty mutt. It was like a fat It would look like a lab mixed with like a like a dingo. This is a shitty standard yellow 55 pound fat mutt and if it was spied in the kitchen, it would try to like go under the little countertop Good for him though. Just keep going back. Right, true.

You guys can't hurt me. Right home from work and just being like, I gotta get up, poof. Hard as possible. To not learn the lesson is a beautiful thing. Yeah. That shows that they're not being too abusive because the dog's still got hope.

Yeah. I think this dog was just dumb. I think it would just be like, it just was like, yeah, I think it would just get cold and be like, I'm gonna go lay in the sun, and we'd just like lay in the sun for four hours, and then wake up to just a giant man be like, God damn it!

Yeah, if it was spotted in the kitchen, it was supposed to stay in the mud room, which is like cold tile floor. And when I was little, we had an outside dog. We had a dog that like did not really come inside that much ever. And if it was off the leash, it would hop the fence and bite people. It was so bad.

The craziest one is when you see a house where they have the big cages out front, the dog in the cage. I had an outside cage dog as an adult for a while. That's a scary house. It was only when we were working, it would sit in a cage in the backyard and just howl. Some people have it full time.

Phil installed a giant Chain-link fence in our basement Put Shaq in there and he would fucking break out you'd rip through the feds true out. Yeah Yep. Yeah, we had there was a when I had the Akita and then there was like its brother my ex-wife's like Mom and stepdad got it and then when we like we separated houses To like when they're there they're like mom and stepdad live with us for a while But for a little bit we live with them I guess it was a mom's house

But they took their dog and they built like a dog jail in their basement and it totally like this rip it out Yeah, right it to turn the lights out and leave it down there. They freak. It's gonna go nuts Well, they won't do it. They're like there's dogs are like I'll die dude Andrew's dog Zeus RIP Zeus, but dude it would literally it jumped out of the second story one time Is he didn't have windows in his house? Well, he says it would stand on the out on this like stand on the roof Yes, he didn't he was a three-story house bud didn't have windows in his house for a long time Yes, he didn't he was a three-story house bud didn't have windows in his house for a long time

So he had a window he was living in a windowless house in West Philly and his dog would get out on the third floor Go up. It was like a parapet It was like a roof like it was like the window then there's like a strip of roof like this wide and it would pace back It was huge a big fucking it was like a fail or jumped that it's the second story jumped out of the second story But it would just patrol so it's it it was in like dudes in the fucking hood And he had this giant like Mastiff white pitbull that would stand on his third floor like a gargoyle. Yeah, it was fucking nuts It was actually just wait for him every day security that it dude it for real was I mean I would get like superstitious if I Saw that yeah, it's walking by and I actually I've seen him

He would just face and then just sit like this on the top That's nice this show is brought to you by better help mm-hmm Hmm. What are some of your relationship green flags? What do you like? Tits get you going green flag tits are a good green flag. We often hear about red flags we should avoid, but what if we focus more on looking for the green flags than our friends and partners? I focus almost entirely on the green flags.

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Check out the link to Viya in our description, use the code MSSP to receive 15% off enhance your everyday with via And I will say it is a good gift to bring if you're about to hang out with a lady If you've been chatting her online for a while I mean 21 plus goals obviously But yeah, all right pzoo see was the best he would be in the basement He would just like chew fucking pipes in the basement He was so funny and if once you got older when the Sun would go down he would go remember

I brought him to her old house. Yeah, I brought him my watch them for school It was my favorite blue was great We're just I know we talked about it a bunch of times earlier, but whose dog was that? Was that Tom? Tom? Yeah, dog's RIP as well. He stole his food out of his hands. A dog was awesome. He was so, yeah, he literally just walked,

like say we're sitting here. Our friend Chris Wood was sitting down eating like a tortilla. He just, he would get a bowl of meat and put it in a tortilla and just sit there and munch it. A dog slowly walked up to him and just went. He took the entire funny thing out of his hand. And then just walked away.

It wasn't like it fucking grabbed it. It literally just slowly walked up to him. I've never seen anything like it. It reminds me of O'Connor. We were just in Seattle. O'Connor, when we were in Vancouver once, he got so fucked up, and the next day, he's like hungover, and I forget what he got.

He might've got like a donut. And the seagulls are fucking huge out there. O'Connor was standing there, and a bird just took it. I had a chip. I had a fry once where that happened. Just think of O'Connor being like, Great. Yeah.

Is anyone gonna do anything about these fucking birds? I had the exact same thing happen to me. Everybody stayed with me as a terrible memory. I was holding a french fry, and a bird just took it as a seagull, came and took it out of my hand. Damn. I remember I talked about it on stage that night and I got nothing, but it was a lot to me.

This is the funniest. It was pretty hard to explain. Yeah, it's pretty intense. Serious and upsetting. How did you handle it? What did you do? I was so, it was kind of beautiful, but I was scared. I was upset.

Did the beak get anywhere even near your fingers or was it like? It was just gone. I just saw the bird and then I didn't feel it touch my hand. It was just out. It was not a lot of, I don't leave a lot of time between. Yeah, quick. I'm pretty close. Bucket to mouth type of operator.

I'll never forget when my cousin hit a seagull in the chest with a wiffle ball bat. Dude, we were like, we were throwing food to get him. We were doing a creature storm. Just having him storm the fucking front desk. The creature storm was so fun. The creature storm was so fun, dude. And we were just throwing up bread

There was just so many seagulls getting closer and closer My cousin just came out the wiffle ball bat went swamp right in the chest and dude it fucking dropped dead It was all we came out to investigate it huge wings long as hell Just a dead seagull in the front like a family walked by they're like oh I saw a homeless guy punch a pigeon once. The pigeons were just running around the ground. That is a battle they've been battling for centuries. The pigeon wasn't doing anything to him and he bent.

He was just walking along calmly and he bent all the way down. I just fucking got a pigeon and kept walking. I mean, we've all had that thought. That guy's just so. I couldn't believe the pigeon didn't move or anything, but it sensed his. They get do those things are crazy. How there's the ducks around where we live, anything, but it sensed his they get dude. Those things are crazy How there's the ducks around where we live there you can walk you can grab them. Yeah, they don't have this bird talk Yeah, we had a you know, it's funny the time we went to see scorpion King

yeah, me my buddy had a Creature storm at the beach. Did you really? Yeah, we did it with a bag of Doritos. Dude. How sick is it? It was great It's the fucking best. Yeah, what odds? I hadn't had creature storm before You ever went to the beach and just threw like a loaf of bread and just let it get crazy with birds? Well, when we would have like fish and chips on the beach and there would be They'd come around like, you know, you're a kid and you stand your dad goes stop Bring him over. Okay, imagine your dad's not there and it's just you and your boys with as much bread as possible taken from the beach house.

And you are ruining everyone's day. Yeah. You're not. As an adult, I'll try to wait till like 4.30, 5 PM, when it's not as crowded. But dude, there's still people there, and they are very upset. But you can get like, dude, you can get for real like 500

signals. And then you can run. You can hold a bag of chips and run and the storm will follow you. It's awesome. Now you control the storm. You control, yeah. Running through a big pile of birds at the beach

is one of my greatest happinesses. What happened? When there's like a big gathering of birds. You just run straight at them. Oh, right at them. I like watching the little guys that run with the tide. That's fun. Yeah, true.

I just like to observe those guys It's fun watching kids chase seagulls That's like an easy way to get kids tired like go get the seagulls and they'll just like Relentless like a fucking dog just chase seagulls And you get to watch them for long enough you see who's the king seagull and you see the one sad seagull with like half A foot and his beak doesn't work and he's yeah trying to get the but none of his buddy seagulls are looking after him helping Him get it. They just take this is a single take They have like a pecking order like chickens have definitely. Yeah, I would say shit the chicken Oh, it's a brutal dude. Yeah, it's crazy

My cousin had my brother and my cousin had chickens and I didn't realize like if there's another rooster the rooster will peck Literally take your like rooster crown off and be like you're a fucking hen You're getting nan pussy around here. I'm getting all the pussy they like they basically what's that called when they kill each other doesn't like a Hen. You're getting nan pussy around here. I'm getting all the pussy. They like, they basically... What's that called when they kill each other? Doesn't like a... I swear to God, like there's something happens where they just, the whole coop will just kill itself. Really? Yeah. Would they just have a mass suicide in the coop? Yeah, they just start killing each other. Guys, get on that. What happens? Yeah, check that out. I'm actually curious

about that. Have you ever heard of the old Irish myth of the two cats who fought until only their tails were left? No. That's a sick myth.'m actually curious about that. Have you ever heard of the old Irish myth of the two cats who fought until only their tails were left? No. That's a sick myth, I just came across that. That's good. It's old, killed cat myth. What is the message there?

This is mutual destruction. They fought and fought and fought until only their tails were left. Like what's the point of the fight after that? They've paid no attention to that. Yeah. That has had no impact on the development of the Irish people. No. Speaking of, O'Connor got me that painting there. They've paid no attention to that. Yeah

Speaking of O'Connor got me that painting there and that's a nice Irish Brigade at Antietam turns out the guy looks exactly like Tony Hinchcliffe No, I was gonna say he looks like kind of got ruined for me. You guys were like it looks like Tony You got a painting of Tony. No, it's fucking cool. Who's the defense against the dark arts teacher in the second Harry Potter movie? No, you know, the Gilderoy Lockhart. No, the little, he looks like the Shakespearean actor. Oh. Do you know what I'm talking about?

Not Little, is it Littlefinger from Game of Thrones? No, but he also looks like Littlefinger from Game of Thrones. He does not look especially Irish. He is Irish though. Yeah, Captain Clooney Yeah, I think he died right there. And they really yeah I didn't eat him. I could be that would be kind of a sick way to go if you rally up a bunch of troops Then just get blown the Irish bring it would go they came to America to learn how to fight so they could bring it back

What dangling? Yeah, that's got and he was apparently a monster. That's pretty bad about him They're like he was the best soldier ever. He was just fearless and then, you know, got the best of him when he was like, I'll stand right in front of everyone. And got shot 20 times. He was a horse, so he was like, I don't care, come on boys, hey.

You can see it there, he's got some wounds. Wasn't there like a, he's literally falling down. Yeah, he's saying, fuck you pussies. Wasn't there a story of like a Vietnam, wasn't there like a war Yeah, he's literally falling down on that picturespeaking thing. Yeah, he's saying, fuck you, pussies. Wasn't there a story of like a Vietnam... You fucking killed me. Wasn't there a war hero who had like a fantastic... They made a movie on it where he like,

he had this crazy charge where he killed like 60 people himself and he went home for a while and he finally went back to war thinking like, I got this down, just died. No, that was... World War II. That was Barcelona. Yeah. Yeah. He's got a rest stop. Does he really? Yeah, in Jersey. That's awesome. No, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was,

that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was,

that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that he built and the chest and he just like stood and shot at the cops and they were shooting at him. He was shot something like 100 times in the dick and legs. Yeah. Yeah. It was,

the movie was pretty good. The whole after the body was, I watched the movie. Mick Jagger? Yeah, no, the movie. No, there's a movie with Mick Jagger as Ned Kelly as well. I didn't see that one. They made a bunch, we made it open over again.

They made a new one, yeah. We loved that story and they go, you'll never take me alive, copper. And then he's such his life. He had cool quotes. Yeah. Damn, where did he have the armor? There's one with Russell Crowe.

He made out of a trash can, I think, or something. I don't know, Russell Crowe was in it. Everyone's gonna remember that. He had the Australian grouch them. He did. We have one of those. We have the Killdozer. Killdozer.

I heard about the Killdozer. It is the same thing. Yeah. He was like, you guys are gonna take my land, and then he went into the warehouse and spent three years building a... Killing machine. Did anyone ever make a movie about the Killdozer?

No, I've only seen a documentary. I guess you can't glorify acts of domestic terrorism. Yeah, I don't think the Killdozer is in your passport as something to celebrate. They fucking took a nerve. That'd be a good sports team. What? Killdozers. Yeah.

Give it 50 years and people will be ready. Yeah. Ready to forgive and forget. It does take time. They'd bring in like a sniper, like a 50 caliber sniper to try to get some bullets in there. It's pretty great. Did he kill people?

No, he was just driving through all his enemies' houses. It was fucking incredible. Did you get no fatalities and maximum death? I think he got no fatalities. That's crazy. It was a bulldozer, so it was going going slow as fuck but no one could stop it. So he would go through someone's house and be like, alright I'm headed down to the fucking town hall. Everyone just had to be like a fucking asshole.

What's the, I think Oklahoma City bombing? They injured a couple people. No. No? Hold on, what am I thinking? There was one where they... They killed a bunch of kids. Oh that's bad. There was a daycare there. Hold on. Yeah.

It's an AT&T building in... Nashville. Nashville. Yeah, that was recently. And... But he did it on Christmas day. In RV and he had speakers. And he was playing music and he was like,

everybody get out, I'm blowing up the AT&T building. And I don't wanna hurt anyone, I just wanna make AT&T unhappy. What was this beef of AT&T? I think it was NSA. Oh. Yeah. I thought he was just on the phone for too long.

True. What? It looks like Sauron and Spud was like, if I had to look at that building every day, I would probably want to blow it up. Yeah, if I was a little schizophrenic and they're like, there's a, yeah, there's a terrifying tower there.

It was a scary building? It's so scary. Yeah, it's like window tower there. It was a scary building. It's so scary. Yeah, it's like windowless. So it's justified. Yeah. The architecture was terrible. Well, people had to pretend that the World Trade Center was beautiful.

It was like Howard Rourke. The new building instead of the World Trade Center is this little fountainhead reference. Which one, what did you say? Nothing, I don't know why I'm remembering. Did you read the fountainhead? Suddenly I'm remembering books. I don't know what's happened.

I'm taking it easy on the drinking. All of a sudden I'm like, oh, I remember books. I love the rules. The ending of the fountainhead is the most insane close of a book. Ah, yeah, it's one of the best. He's a great architect. He does a rape and that is a like the lady thinks it's hot. So that's a weird part of it. But moving past that, he's great architect and he lowers himself to design public housing. He's

like, I'll build the best public housing. If I'm going to design public housing, it's going to be the best public housing. He's like, I'll build the best public housing. If I'm gonna design public housing, it's gonna be the best public housing. And they make it ugly. So he destroys all of the homes for poor people. And then he gives a beautiful speech about, I had to do it, ugliness has no place. And the jury let him off

because the speech is so good and then the book's over. But it's a book about the importance of destroying public housing. The projects? Yeah, you gotta ruin the projects. It's crazy. It's such a great book. That's crazy.

I did not get that out of it. Really? Yeah. Funny synopsis. It's also about relentlessly pursuing your goals and being the man. Clearly, yeah. And all the mediocrities trying to tear you down.

Oh, it's Ayn Rand. Yeah. Ayn Rand wrote that? Yeah. Yeah, it was her first big, big hit. I like it more than Atlas Shrugged. I really liked Atlas Shrugged. I really liked Atlas Shrugged. I was a big Ayn Rand teenager.

I know, I never fucked with Ayn Rand. I was like, I am the great man of history, and everyone, get out of my way. Yeah, really commit yourself. Ayn Rand a girl. Fucking, yeah. Okay, I thought so. Also like, an old Russian lady.

Yeah, she hated communism. I find her very sexually exciting. She's great interviews. Really? In all of her interviews, I think she's so... I've never really taken a look at young iron. Young iron is okay looking. There's a great interview. She's like, I do not want a woman to ever be president.

That would be wrong. You know, it doesn't come across in the picture, but she has an energy. I'm telling you, she has an energy. It's not the best picture of Ayn. We all have bad pictures of us out there. Ayn Rand is fucking busted, bro. Ayn Rand is ugly as shit.

She's a very sexy woman. I think Atlas shrugged, dude. Look at some videos of Ayn Rand and see the way she moves. Bro, I'm telling you, she's one of the ugliest women I've ever seen. You're far right, dude. If you're about to everybody wanted her. I was like, the bride's looking all right. Then I went, oh, OK. I'm saying you, she's one of the ugliest women I've ever seen. You're far right. If you're about her, everybody wanted her. I was like, the bride's looking all right.

And I went, oh, OK. I'm saying they're better. I haven't found one picture. It's not about the look. Her mug's crazy, dude. And yet, despite that, she's very... She looks like she spent at least a couple of years underground. She may have. I don't know what have she went under in Russia, but it was...

Physically. But they don't like her because she yeah, she was against communism. Yeah She had a little dollar lapel. She's like the fruit. My what so powerful damn. I mean, dude, that's That'd be crazy living in like a depressed communist country just smashing a in Rand. Yeah, it's all you get pressed communist country and just smashing Ayn Rand. Yeah. It's all you get. You get like two loaves of bread a month. Couple of vacas, potatoes.

True. Couple Ayn Rand's kicking around. You dig them up out of the dirt. You can just dig an Ayn out. You go, this is a tuna. That's fucked. This is a tuna. You go, oh, nevermind.

Just an Ayn Rand. It's an Ayn. It's food for thought. When did you have your Ayn Rand? I didn't have you picked as a... Hillary Clinton's are our fans. That's kind of all I ever read was like a classic, classics. It feels wrong to waste time.

Oh, all right. I was reading about Roman Polanski this week. I got in a big Roman Polanski Wikipedia wormhole. Allegedly a pedophile. Well, actually openly, he gave an interview in 1985 where he was like, I fucked young girls. Everybody wants to do that. He, actually openly. Allegedly. He gave an interview in 1985 where he was like, I fucked young girls. Everybody wants to do that. He was like very open about it.

He definitely says he does. Anyway, the French culture minister stood by him. This is getting back to literature in a second. The French culture minister at the time was like, we must not deport this man. He's a great artist. We stand by that. Then people read the French culture minister of the times autobiography. And there's this big section where he was going to Thailand.

He's like, I was at the boy brothels and these sweet boys, you can pay them. And it was the most erotic feeling. His defense was that he wrote half novel, half autobiography and it wasn't all true. But like, imagine being a politician and coming out with your biography. And there's a big section about how you love

boy prostitutes in Southeast Asia. And then they just put that in for a literary flourish. Yeah, that was just him being like. And I thought like Norm's book is like that. I was just putting it out there, you know. That's crazy. It sure is nuts. Show people a little something crazy in them.

But also he doesn't say which bits are made up. He just says, you can't trust all of this. Maybe that bit about me being a pervert in Asia is true. Norm's book, I got tricked by it. I read it way too long before I realized it was a joke. When he's committing prison rape? Way too long. Like what?

I was on like chapter three. So you got through him. A lot, like his uncle, like everything. Yeah, you thought the bit where he was on SNL because he was giving Lorne Michaels morphine was legitimate? It took, no, but I was like, yeah, I was ashamed at how long it took. That's so funny.

I read the first chapter without knowing, and I was just kind of like, maybe he did bring him drugs. I don't know. It's such a great opening. I call this a recurring character. Yeah, it was awesome. A lot of Adam Eaglet in there. It's great.

Adam Eaglet was the only person I got really starstruck by in America. And he finds it very, it's cool. Now, I think it's normal. Every time I see him, I go, that's jerking off punks under a bridge for $15 a pop. It's the Adam Eaglet. Yeah, he's the man. He does rule. Damn, I didn't know that guy wrote in his autobiography, like, and then it just detailed explanation. It's very, he's like, he talks about the incredible

erotic feeling of being able to pick your boy. It's like he's a member of the French government. It does have a kind of one of those weird, pick your boy sounds, it's like cellar door, it's like one of those poetic expressions. Yeah it is. Being able to pick your boy. It's just the perfect sentence.

It's the sentence. Yeah, it sounds kinda cool. Fuck you, man. The man is like, I don't fuck sounds kind of like you, man. And it's like, oh, fuck with this. Sure. Video games with the girl characters. You know, Megan's law for real playing with that is like number one, like pedophile girl characters. Yeah, dude, it's better.

Do you think that's why the character, why not look at a high lady? Is my I think that's maybe why the trans thing happened, because it's the first generation that grew up playing girl characters and seeing themselves as a girl all the time. Fair theory. And then they, it's just a thought. No, you don't think so? You don't think that's what's going on?

It's kind of the truth. I never play the girl. Never. It's all about looking at the ass. Dude, you're living in a woman's body. You're inhabiting, you're powering, inhabiting a woman's body. I believe you, Nate.

You are very, very horny. I think you like playing as a girl. What? No. We were just playing UFC, you wanted to pick fucking female fighters. It was the only way I could win. He did not win. A little Juana man there.

I think Infinite Jest is a joke. What? The book. It's a great book. No, but I think the whole book is a joke. Yeah. Yeah. What do you mean? Like it's a joke. What a book. It's a great book. No, but I think the whole book is a joke. Yeah. Yeah. What do you mean? Like it's a joke by the author author on the people reading it. No, I think he wrote it out of love. Yeah, no, you read infinite jest. No, it's too long. I was shocked. I was structurally it's a joke. I

think because it's that long and then all the action of the book takes place. Like outside of the book. Like you have to, there's so much time for him to describe the important thing, and he still doesn't do it. But I know I love that. That's why I think it's a joke. And then everyone just tries to figure out what it means. And he's like, no, it's not that it's not that it's not as like complicated. Is that he said, I watched an interview. He wanted people to do the one to make something very hard. You had to like work for and so there's a real point to it.

Cause he thought technology was becoming so addictive it would one day grow or entertainment was like growing with technology to become so addictive but one day just ensnare us completely we'd all lose ourselves it's gonna be a hard book yeah yeah with like a thousand foot but it's still fun like it's very it's I laughed a lot that's good just and then there's a great interview where he goes once they have virtual reality pornography I have to commit suicide immediately. They killed himself and then he did man of his word. I think that hung himself. Yeah, I Never read it. I it's good. I first think it bothered me what the book

Yeah, the first like million pages are pretty yeah tough. And then once you get into it, it's just once they get to the tennis Academy. Yeah, you got to read it on a Kindle because there are a million footnotes. I don get into it, it's just awesome. Once they get to the tennis academy? Yeah, you gotta read it on a Kindle because there are a million footnotes. I don't even know what it's about. It's about like a guy, they made an entertainment cartridge that if you watch it once, you're fucked and you never take your eyes off it

and your body will just like, you'll just let your body be completely destroyed. And it was made by- Sex box. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. Yes. It's how let loose. Yeah, and it was made- There you go, I can already touch your ball, hey. It was, it was made by pretty much yeah it's how let loose yeah and it was

made I can order a chipotle whose son was in a tennis academy if I remember correctly but the dad after making it was like a failed filmmaker but that one took off but it was like a government weapon that like Canada's great scene when he comes home to his dad committing his dad put his head in a microwave and cuts out and explodes his head. And it was like the worst part is I walked in the house and my first thought was it smells really good in here. It's a really funny. It's also about Quebec separatists.

It's about crippled. Is this a Canadian author? No, but he like part of the joke is that North America has become one country, but Quebec still wants to secede. But only they only let crippled people become assassins. And you can tell when they're coming when you hear the squeak. It's a really funny book.

It is funny. It's also about a drug addict who decides not to have painkillers when he's very seriously hurt. It's such a beautiful, sorry I cried. Did this inspire your book at all? I mean, just reading it. I was like this shit rules Yeah, I could never strikes me yeah right now Finnegan's Wake is inspiring me big time, but I can't understand any of it I just read it and go so I just read the footnotes you go. Oh wow. That's what that means. That's so fucking cool

I'm so envious that you have that if I read a footnote. I'm like I'm done with I Don't know I gotta read this sentence four times. I still can't understand once I see the asterisk I go. Oh boy. I'm going to that it's coming. I'm going right to the foot. I love footnotes What if it just is like he'll do footnotes on the footnote? You gotta have three bookmarks going while you read it But if you have a Kindle you can just tap the link and it takes you to it. You can't play nice for words How I did it words I didn't know and words that dude I wouldn't have gotten to this one without a Kindle I couldn't have read infinite jest. Have you read the Sun also rises? Yeah, and I just finished it. I did it. That's how I did it. Words I didn't know. And words. Dude, I wouldn't have gotten through that much.

That was nice. Without a Kindle, I couldn't have read Infinite Jest. Have you read The Sun Also Rises? Yeah. In high school, yeah. I just finished it. I love it. I just was waiting for his dick to start working the whole time, and it never did.

Brother, we've talked about this. All right. The first, I read the entire book. Yeah. And somehow missed in the beginning that his dick didn't work. Well, then there's nothing. I was furious. At the end, when they're in the car, and they're like, oh, we could have been something.

I love you so much. You're just like, why not? I was like, fuck. when they're in the car and they're like, Oh, we could have been something. I love you so much. You just like, why not? Fuck what happened? You're dumbass. Yeah. You got his dick. In high school in the war. Yeah. I missed that. He's recounting when he like when his dick first got injured. I think I said this recently, but it's like, he's in a hospital bed. It's, it's all Italian guys making fun of him for his dick, which is the nastiest. Like, of all the hospitals you could be in, an Italian hospital and all these guys going, you dick had done a work, kill yourself.

That's the worst thing that could ever happen to a man. I just read the other one, Farewell to Arms. Is it good? That's the one that the guy throws out of a window in Silver Linings Playbook, so I didn't want to read that. No, it's great. Especially the first, the beginning when it's about, before he gets hurt, it's great.

The war scenes, it's awesome. He's such a good writer. Yeah, he's probably my favorite. I remember that, we didn't do that in high school and had to do like a blue book, like essay examination. I remember just being like so fucking stunned. I remember, there was like a question on it. It was like, why doesn't he just bring it up on the date

or like tell the lady or something Yeah, I remember in the essay distinctly remember writing like it would be hard to be like hi My name is Jake and my dick doesn't work. Yeah, and the teacher literally underlined. I was like hilarious Really? Yeah Shout out mr. Quinn dude. Yes. He was a guy who told us all to learn how to fake cry He's like it'll serve you so well in relationships. He's like, if I get back to the corner, I fake cry. He's like, I fake cry.

My wife just caves every time. Holy shit. I mean, that's terrible advice. That was good. That's insane advice. It's awesome going on. An all-boys school and the teacher being like, all right, enough of that lesson.

Women suck. You guys are about to find out. You gotta learn how to fucking cry. Because the other bitches are gonna fucking ruin your life. I've picked my own syllabus to teach you boys about women. I'm gonna start with Hemingway. He knows how to treat a lady. Yeah, he does.

He'll tag them up a little. True. I'll fucking hit him with a, touch me, cunt. Yeah, I went to Hemingway's house too. It's pretty sick. And when I was in Spain, I went on a nice Hemingway's house too. It's pretty sick. And when I was in Spain, I went on a nice Hemingway bar crawl. Now have you been to the bullfighting? I didn't go to the bullfighting.

It's made bullfighting seem so appealing. I don't think I would like it. I think I would get bored immediately after they kill the first bull. I would go, this is from faulty. It makes it sad. Through the whole book, I'm waiting for him to get an erection and the bullfight's coming up and go, surely he's getting hard at the bull fight and then he doesn't know. He goes for a swim and he doesn't get an erection there.

It's such a good story though. What if your dick didn't work? Yeah. Yeah. Like he just has to watch the love of his life. Just keep fucking the bullfighter. He's yeah. And then the young hot matador comes in young hot matador.

And the guy like he loves bullfighting and the guy who owns the hotel loves bullfighting. They're the only two who really understand bullfighting. And they go, this man is special. We've got to keep them away from loose women and hard drink. And then the woman he loves has sex with the bullfighter and the guy in charge of the hotel looks at him like, you're impotent. No, you couldn't even, you couldn't even stop your degenerate friend from

ruining the one beautiful boy. Brett. Brett. Brett. Isn't that her name? She was so erotically charged. There was, oh man, there was one bit, like it's all obliquely written and it's straightened. Like we had Hemingway stuff, we went there on the next day.

It was a good day and we went over there and it was very hot. We had wine and we went fishing. But the one sense that I love is like, he's at a party that he hates with like this woman he loves and the man she's fucking, and like the man goes off to get champagne and he's so angry with this guy going to get champagne,

he's gotta be this woman he can't have sex with, and then the guy comes back and fine, we'll open the champagne, and then he goes, it was sensational champagne. And I folded that over and I was like, I don't know why that, that's not a good sentence on its own, but within the book.

What about a reboot of that story movie? But then he just gets into pegging. That would be just gets pegged. That'd be great. I'd be sick. I don't understand how they can turn it into a movie. Nothing would happen. Would just be a man fishing and watching a bullfight and looking at a lady. If you knew his dick didn't work, it'd be you'd be gripping.

You'd be like, fuck. Yeah. It'd be great if you had to change the title so that everyone, just like you call the movie, his, the man whose dick didn't work. What I didn't know, I didn't know it was his dick. When I read it in high school, I just imagined he had, you know, like when Michael Jackson had like his nose redone, I thought he just had like a, was it like a cloth over it, like it was missing or was it just not functional?

I don't know. I don't think it ever really described. I imagined it like it was missing. or was it just not functional? I don't know, I don't think it ever really described. I imagined it like it was missing. I thought he didn't have a dick. I think he's, they don't go into detail, but he doesn't have a dick. They don't go into detail, but there was scars.

I think he lays down with a lady at one point. There's a prostitute who tries to get him to employ her, and he goes, I won't be able to partake of that. She goes, you are sick? And he goes, yes. She goes, I'm sick too. He's like, she had gonorrhea and he missed out. She did his broken penis.

It's a great, I didn't think I'd enjoy the broken penis book. I loved it. Now that technology exists, you can get that pump in your ball. Yeah. There was an episode of that pizza. Yeah, you have to activate.

I think the trans penis is that. Under the sack? It chews. Yeah. That would be so nice to get to choose when you had an erection. I think it's just, I don't know, maybe just underneath your sack. I think it might trans under the sack choose yeah it would be so nice to get to choose when you had an erection I think it's just maybe just underneath your sacks I think might be underneath the sack they built the testicles is a little squeezy building it into the session just you could just literally

pump your sack yeah yeah pretty sick pump up penis would be nice yeah I'm chased right now for the time being I'm just five days, but Food no sex No, come yeah, no coming. Well, no food Let's take this come talk into the patreon true. Let's yeah, we're in an hour already. Yeah, let's Let's if you want to hear about some come talk. Yeah, dude Patreon we have some good topics actually. All right. Nice. See you there