Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 548 - Bowl of Meat (feat. Kevin Ryan & H. Foley)

Episode Date: February 26, 2025

WATCH the Are You Garbage Route 66 Tour | Comedy Special OUT NOW on AYG's YouTube @ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSkJS1gCDR4 Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Support Kippy & Hank @ https://www.patreon.com/areyougarbage Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Go See AYG Live @ https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets Good Afternoon everybody. Hope you're all having a good week! Hump dayyy haha. We're here with the garbage boyz. They blessed us while in ATX. Check out their new spesh the Route66 Comedy tour now on u tubeeee. Please enjoy. God Bless you all. ps wish shang good luck for snl this wknd - check that out too of course. sat evening. shang night live Download the PrizePicks app or visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/DRENCHED today and use code Drenched to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup

Oh, yeah, wow. Wow. Welcome to the show. Here we are. Yeah There we are. Hey guys, so like I just threw it in neutral real quick. Oh, yeah, it's got real dick You know, you can bring them down a high brow real high brow followers like it so Talk about we're gonna touch on a few topics today. We're gonna touch jacking off for about one hour That's it. That's the only topic. Rich Foley's gonna go over his exercise regimen. Yeah, we're gonna talk about exercising.

Talk about crock pots. Crock pot, yeah, speaking of, I need you to fire that thing up. Do you have? I got the broth in the fridge. I was thinking about your stew all last night. I was like, I wonder if you put it on right now. No, I didn't, because I gotta wait for the... The broth to froth it.

Yeah. Are you cooking here? Well, yeah, I'm trying. Are you really? Yeah, are you cooking here? I'm well. Yeah, I'm trying are you really yeah last night I had a bowl of meat Homeless guy Bowl of meat Bacon and eggs this morning all right some spinach in there, okay, but the bowl of meats good Mean the fool I take a ground beef spinach in there. Okay, you. But the bowl of meat's good. What does that mean? When you salt and pepper.

I mean, if full, I take a ground beef, put it. Hamburger meat? Yep. Then sprinkle some cheese on there, put it in a bowl, pour hot sauce on it. Texas chopped cheese. It's so good.

That is good. I don't care what anyone says. No, that's great. That's delicious. It's my type of meal. I love. You do the whole thing, the whole pan? I mean, you leave some in there for a little. And then know, you know, what am I? Who am I kidding?

I'm gonna finish that fucking pan right now Yeah, I love the fact that all these fitness guys are now coming around on hamburger meat. Yeah, like so it's all about Yeah, fitness guys like me. Yeah All those guys on the internet they're like ground be or grass-fed organic ground beef is great for you. I knew that since the 80s I really did always wonder why it was so much cheaper than the other meat. I'm like, it's just you're chewing it up Anyway, why does it matter? Yeah, free ground? Yeah, I don't know. I was big on that forever Yeah, I'll get ground meat like dude. Nobody knows about this Grass-fed grass finish baby. Let's go. Oh, yeah grass-fed hamburger helper. Oh, don't get me started. That was my move back in high school

Wrestling practice my mom Hamburger helper stroganoff sitting on the table big glass of milk go to town. Yeah, I was a Bagel bite guy. I yeah I was a bagel bite guy I would microwave like 24 bagel bites that's the outer rim was just cold yeah and I would eat all of them and I would dip them in SpaghettiOs every day whoa so if I watch Pokemon with my little brother I used to love SpaghettiOs and a peanut butter and jelly with it you know I would dip the peanut butter and jelly in the SpaghettiOs yo that crazy. Just a couple days ago. Did you

fuck with the meatball spaghetti? Oh, is there how did you find it? We fucked with them. Yeah, I liked it. They were pretty big. I didn't roll out of the can. It's very good. When I was a kid, I couldn't do the beefaroni something about it creeped me out. I don't like the thickness of the nudies. The nudies were a little too thick. I agree. It was too bucatini for me. I'm an angel hair too bucatini for me. I'm an angel hair man.

Dude, when that shit hit that, when that angel hair hit the households in dirtbag households and that is we thought we were fucking from Sicily. We were the Medici or Angel hair. I want the family fucking spaghetti. That's I remember getting real mad at my mom after like she busted out the angel hair once, then she go to the regular spaghetti. I remember getting real mad at my mom after like she busted out the angel hair once then she go to the regular spaghetti. I beg why? Yeah, yeah. What's the

why not do something wrong? Why don't? Why are we getting angel hair more expensive? Some It might have been it was just it was it was it was fancier. I don't know why much better. So much better. Crazy. Sexual bite angel hair was kind of sexual. Maybe that's for some reason. Maybe that's why the side chick. True. Especially your house. I bet the boys. Yeah.

My mom will get the laundry basket that we can get. Yes. The angel hair. It was just like dumping rocks out of a dumpster. For the horny is brothers. No one. Yeah. Me and my brother in one. I see. I like it. It is me and my brother are in one backseat. I like it.

It is sexy, man. Little olive oil and garlic. Sure. You don't see it out of restaurants either. It's always bucatini, all this shit. We don't, you know, we're trying to get laid. It's all fettuccine, which you brought it up. That's that side piece shit.

The fettuccine Alfredo, if you're at the dinner with a girl and she orders the blackened chicken pasta, she's a whore. She's a fucking whore's a fucking based off one experience when he was waiting tables. Yeah, this dude rolled in. This girl was such a whore. Oh, hell, chicken Alfredo. And then like that's what my mom eats.

And now I can't look at her the same. I will say she's got a little girl. Yeah, I'm looking at my mom. I'm like, what the fuck? Fedecini Alfredo is slut slop. Yeah, it's for sure. What'succine Alfredo is slut slop. Yeah, it's for sure. What's some other slut slop? Uh, I think any kind of like pesto, they fuck with.

No, really? Oh, no, it's definitely fetish. It's fettuccine or no. What's the other one that she's cheese filled noodles? Ravi, totally. Lili, totally. These are for the dumb bitches. Yeah. Just get the ravioli, you skank.

Yeah, I take back. Take back, Pesto. Although I might be graduated. I might be elevated. So yeah, once you get off. Yeah, I think filet mignon's kind of got that rap to the sluts. Some broad. Yeah. Some broad will think she knows what she's doing.

She'll get a very young man and get it like medium. Well, what'd you say? I guess I'm a slut. Oh, I'm always taking off right over in flame. And I'm always for guys. You need it. I'm always full. I guys see me It's good for guys. Yeah muscles and she guys. It's okay. It's for hot dudes only it's for hot dudes and giant sluts Then get that like a cranberry juice, but you fucking dirty bitch Flaming onanni cranberry juice.

He also also sounds like you're on a date with a 16 year old. Good little miss, please. Mac and cheese. It's like you nasty little slut over there. Mac and cheese in a Shirley Temple. They're speaking my language.

Yeah. Although this is a dirt. This is a bunch of a Shirley Temple. Now you're speaking my language. Yeah. Although, this is a bunch of a dirt bag AM. I've never had the upgraded mac and cheese that touched the shit in the box, ever. Once in Philly, Cotton got a platter delivered. He's got the inside connect though. He's plugged in, dude. He's got black mac.

That's black mac, dude. Black mac, forget about it. Yeah, Black Mac's different, dude. I had a first-class education in that shit, because we did Cotton's Batsau Party, and I went out and bought all this stuff. We did a little grilled barbecue. I must have bought about $400 worth of store-bought potato salad, and it was all his boys from the neighborhood, and nobody touched it. And after like an hour, I pulled one of them aside, like I was like why how come no one's eating the fucking?

Potato salad and he's like black people don't fuck with store-bought potato salad. Yeah, man They put I swear to God. I think they put vibranium in their mac and cheese It's dude I have to like take my wife aside we go somewhere like my parents house or something they though it'll be like Bleach blonde American cheese on noodles and like I'll have to like take her outside to like the garage you can like scream out here She gets fucked up. She's like what is this? American cheese and milk on your store bought potato salad being like garlic to vampires Next time you go to an unruly neighborhood have some You Velveeta or crafts growing up Yeah craft was going on and then I think Velveeta was one of those things Yeah, my friends house that I like snuck into the shopping cart

And I was like I had some Velveeta and like my mom was like get The shit the fuck out of here cuz Velveeta had the their angle was it's not powder. It's real. It's a real cheese What kind was not it was like just a bed? When I was real young it was in a huge block Yeah, and you could never wrap up the end airtight enough So you had to go through was like Normandy you had to get like the first couple of waves of fucking hard, dried cheese to get to the good shit. Who remember my mom when shit was tight? She'd be like, just eat it.

It would be like fucking eating fucking drywall. So it was the first time you had Velveeta. It is kind of like a revelation. Yeah. What the fuck? Not that my house doing nothing else. Crazy. My stepmom introduced me to it and it was like, I looked at my mom I'm like you got to pick it the fuck up you are I'm about to move into dad's house for good

I will leave you to Yeah chips and cheese is just melting American cheese on chips was big and then my friend was like really hit me with the Velveeta And I was like bro. Yeah, although. I feel like Velveeta was Kind of indicative of like a problem like usually if there was a Velveeta house, there was marital strife. Oh yeah, there was a couple holes in the wall. Yeah. There was a couple holes in the wall.

They were trying to buy back that kid's love. Yeah, for sure. Little Dunkaroo action. There was always that one kid that you were friends with that you knew there was trouble in the house that when they would offer you to eat over, you'd be like, nah, I'm good. I'm gonna go home.

I will say the single mother household had snacks. mother household had snacks. That's where you could find Dunkaroos. Good snack. Fuck. Yeah. She's treating a little man. Right? Yeah. Well, she was subservient to the sun. The sun would be like, No mom, give me the Dunkaroos. Some random dude leaving with a work truck out front named like Ron or something. See you guys. Last Dunkaroo. Fuck, that was the funfetti one. I see you guys like last don't groove Yes, my cousin snorted pixie sticks in a single bomb basement like there was like we're in a friend's house a single bomb And he just started just railing lines for pixie He developed a drug problem to assume

He dabbled he dabbled he was dabble man he's sorting pixie sticks, you know He's something in there something else a single mother house you go. I gotta do something in this basement. No one can stop me here There's only a woman You know, there's no paw. There's no paw to rain down on you. Some house painter every couple of weekends showing up You're gonna say shit He's all about it. You don't tell I've talked about this before but I'll never forget it when we were at our friend's house It was just his mom and he had these walkie talkies and I've talked about this before, but I'll never forget it. When we were at our friend's house, it was just his mom. And he had these walkie talkies. And I swear to God, this actually happened. We're like fucking raising if I go to

a certain channel picks up my mom's phone conversation. Why can we picked up a phone conversation of his mom, complaining that the guy wouldn't sleep with her and we were all like, Oh, turn it off right away. Oh, shut it off. One day we were looking for porn at my buddy's house one time or weed or some we were looking for something that a 13 year old is looking for. Yeah. And we're going through and we looked on my one buddy was looking under the bed dude, it

pulled out a Blake a shop like one of those like plastic shopping bags just full of dildos and like whips and chains like dude, what is this? And there was like five of us were like, oh, did you put that back with that back? Like, God damn, do you? Why do you have us going under your mom's bed? This is crazy. What did you expect us to find?

I feel like you had to do that shit in the summer. Whatever house you were at and there was no one home. You tossed the place like the. Like a warrant. You look for everything. Yeah, like a no, no, no. Pillows, dude. pillows dumping out fucking coffee fucking stethoscope on the wall going around my my brother claims that I you know I've reason to believe it's true

but he said he like his friend had like you know you'd have like you would like copy VHS is awful like TV or whatever he had some sort of blank tape that they had like a movie on and They want to like put it in to watch it and his mom and her new boyfriend and records a sex tape And like recorded over what would had been there so they like they watched the first ten minutes. Then it was just his mom Three minutes a coach the fucking anal real quick Oh your mom giving head just head bro on bro. On a VA, like old VHS. That's worse than.

I know. That's brutal. That's like the worst thing you can see. Mom giving head is it. What would you prefer to see your mom receiving doggy or giving head? I hate to say doggy. Yeah, because you can see.

You know, there's still a little for imagination. Obviously, obviously it's POV. He's going dirty camera man. You're like, yeah, that's that's a fucking. That's a mission. man. You like yeah, that's that's a fucking mission No, that's back in the day. That's a heavy Strength who drops it she's dead That's like a news camera Damn yeah, I didn't think about that that is a big cam.. Oh the biggest yeah if they were doing it back then they were real freaks

Yeah, you gotta set up a tripod and all that kind of stuff. Yeah, it was crazy being that freaky back then took a lot of gear Yeah, like you couldn't just like have a saw you know you now you can just have like a cell phone or maybe be live streaming out to people whatever but like Yeah, that sucks porn moms. That's a that's gonna be be a hard wave of kids grown up with only fans, moms. Oh, I mean, yeah, shit, son of them. Yeah, man, because back then I used to work at a fucking the I used to work in the photo department at a supermarket. Pretty cool guy.

Well, that's kind of what I mean. And that was any time you like a girl would drop off film, you were really hoping there was naked pictures on there. Nope, not once. Fresh freshman year, I worked at a West Coast video. And if you're not familiar with West Coast video, they had the room in the back. Yep. With the fucking beads. You paid a couple of visits.

What you worked. I used to look at the box and jerk off to the memory of the cover. I remember one was called Heinfeld. It was a Seinfeld spoof. That's nice. Hot. Yeah. Kramer had a hog on him. But this kid worked there and his mom, single mom, worked there too. They both worked there and you could see what everybody take like, you know, you get to take your movie

some of the week. No lie. This kid's mom rented time for an ass fucking too. And he was time for an ass fucking for the next four years of high school. It Hated us damn time for ass fucking this early 90s. Yeah, it's terrible. She rented it knowing her son work there Yeah, didn't give a shit. I mean it was time for an ass fucking It's nice fucking somewhere my boys dad He's talking about. It's fucking somewhere. My boys, Dad, my boys, Dad on a bunch of independent, like not like a chain, not like West Coast. It was just like epic video or whatever. There's movies, movies, but then blockbuster

came in and he had to close up. So he but he kept all the porn from like five locations. It was all in the basement. And for years, we had no I we'd go over there for years for no idea. Let's say we're down the basement and there's just wall to wall boxes. My buddy like fall as I got out of a movie like falls into one and it just like spills out all over these like like that whole box is born. He's like, these are all porn. We do we robbed the shit out of

the imagine that you're spending the whole summer jerking off to Southern living and you got the fucking treasure of Sierra. Gazunga is three and lost at sea. We took what was it? Gazunga is three and the other one was lost at sea and that made lost at sea made the rounds. It's really. Yeah, we had the Spanish fly 14. That was the big day. And they got off the 14th.

That's really good. It was a spoof on Psycho and it was called the Butts Motel. That's pretty good. That's a thinker, though. The knife. The knife was a dildo in the shower. It was pretty good. Yeah. It's crazy. They made porn funny back then. I know. And they also spent I don't know who they had the writers.

And I know it was like my good. My hormones were pumping. But then the storylines you'd be like fucking pre coming when she's talking Like oh, he's not coming back for a while and the maids you go. I got a feel where this is I'm still a bit of a story head like I love it. I need it I kind of need a little bit if it's just like smash cut to insertion. I'm like bro build me a little Stepdad stepdaughter have to share a hotel room. Hello, bro.

Share bed might be one of my favorite. I'll be honest, I was on shared bed very early. Really? Before it was like people were talking about it. And I was like, this is wrong. Yeah, it's your name for the stepmom. Okay, like early on, I got I got a shared bed video and I kept going back to the well on that he thought I was wrong and I was like this is this is shared shared steps on and stepmom on vacation that was pre stuck it was pretty stuck dude my buddy stuck came down everyone's not

afraid to admit they're jacking off the incest porn and I was like, Oh, thank Thank fucking step it step step step or they'll claim step and then in the video though, they won't say Let me jack you off Yeah, yeah stuck didn't I thought stuck was gonna have a moment I thought that was goofy and it didn't Sam couldn't do it. Yeah, I thought stuck. Definitely stuck. Didn't get me. I'm sure I thought it was going to be the next big thing and I feel like it. I feel like it is.

I feel like I've never heard a comedian not talk about stuck born. I think it exists. I think you open the floodgates. I didn't hear about it until you said it. Well, Matt, don't put this on me. You're stuck in it. Stuck in Jeff born on me. Zero.

Shane. Go. Everyone knows you love Notre Dame and you love stock. I have a belief in you under armor stock point in the shared beds the mom always slept it away like she was like her ass was always fucking what are you doing yeah well, well, you're hard. I can help you with that. I got what the hell is going on? It's always like, well, just because we need sleep, you know what I mean? It's like we have to get to bed.

So let me do that. I told you we're going to talk about tomorrow. You know what I mean? So motherly. Yeah, I I've been off the porn. I don't want to I don't want to just shoehorn this in every discussion. I've been off since January. That's for you.

Are you thinking clearer? Yeah, you get harder over less, for sure. You get kind of like high school kind of boner type things. Scrolling is a trigger for me, because my fucking, my Twitter feed and my search page on Instagram is just bad news. And I'll just, I'll catch something and I'll just be like, all right,

and then fucking write to fucking YouPorn. Yep, the alone. Instagram can jar one loose. Oh, alright, and then fucking right to fucking you porn. Yep The alone Instagram can jar one loose. Oh, yeah, you see you go. She learned in a hotel That's you know what I have now. You know those you know those things you strapped your head There's a ball on a string you punch it I have one of those and I do that I do that night. They're super glue in your eyes closed I get there. You know talk you know talking about yeah, dude those things are all relieve that that know what I'm talking about? Yeah, dude. Those things are all relieve that. That's what I just tried to do. Shadow boxing.

Yeah, I'm horny as fuck. I'm in a shadow box. The noise you can probably hear. It still sounds like you're jacking off. Pop pop pop pop pop. Dude, it was effect. It does calm you down, though, because you get the willies after a show You're like I want to do something. Oh, yeah, what do you mean? I want to eat some drink drugs eat get something to do something fucked up. Yeah, so I just punched the ball. I just fucking You're an adrenaline. You want to hurt yourself exactly yeah, I Dude, I've the older I get the more I kind of can see remember here about those guys that have like hookers rub their backs and that's it. Yeah. Yeah, I've heard of those guys

I could see it now. I'm like dude. I still like laughing I was younger like why the fuck would anyone do that now? I'm like now I kind of definitely hug right on Yeah, so yeah hug some nice words like talking to a lady put you to sleep done. That'd be nice Maybe from behind with a Chris Hansen What are you doing? Talking to a lady put you to sleep. That'd be nice. Maybe from behind with a Chris Hansen You know, I'm only 37 year old man With a ball hanging from his forehead That's the part I'm leaving out there just for like very cheap hookers I'm leaving out. There's just four like very cheap hookers

Standing on their butts like a bow-sue ball Yeah, I mean dude, I wish women would be cool around hookers honestly You know what I mean like why are they so uptight about hookers? Yeah fucking fucking lives and hookers could be a team And yeah, they have to be enemies. I don't know why. I agree. What's all the fighting about? There's enough of me to go. What a catch you are. For everybody girls and stock this off. They could team up. I got a little Vita. It's like watching a nature documentary when they you see one of the wildebeest go

down. There's a million world of beasts like dude, you guys could help but you're too dumb to figure this out. Wives just got together. The wildebeest could that's what I'm saying. Isn't it weird nature documentaries the way they present it they can really twist your view of like say it's a baby Will to be since a lion you're like rooting for the will to be used to get away Yeah, but then other times you're rooting for the predator. Yeah, they way they spin it they spin it like crazy and they set up cameras and then they add noises and it's they give the animals like

Human like trades if they talk about like, you know Like I just watched one on polar bears and it was like a mom and two pol two baby polar bears. And they really had jacking off immediately. It says polar bears to ones are made. Oh, dude, I forgot we're saying it every day. He walked down the other day out of his bedroom. He's like, I'm going upstairs for a little bit. It was up close to the door, comes down and just immediately starts

washing his hands and I'm like,'m like you could have made that any more blatant what you just did up there dude you couldn't hear him on the car what are you talking about he came right down what's up no sure at all what's up guy like you just had sex no I was filling up the rental car with washer fluid. That is the one. Is you like, I think I'm taking that 10 minutes later. Come out. I couldn't sleep. Got the drill next door. I couldn't hear nothing. Immediately get something to eat.

I got a huge stain right below my stomach. He was giving you college roommate questions. Like, what are you going to do? I'm going to take a nap. What are you going to do? You're going to have to have a calf or something. Like you get fourth wheel. I'll be I got to shut it down.

It's 10 30. Just dying for a nap. I'm so tired. I don't like down here too. They get in your business. How do you get on Pornhub down here? What are you guys doing? I get why you get off it now.

Yeah, you just got to go in the old school ones. What are you supposed to do? Put your email address in or something like this. Don't do it. It's like the opposite. No, it's yeah. Don't don't go on the. It's like the opposite. When you're it's like when you're like younger and you get an older person to buy you alcohol, you got to ask the kids.

You know, what are you guys all jerking off? You know, we're just over here. I hang out at liquor stores. Hey, Billy, what's your email address? But no, you just got to remember old porn sites and that's what you just. X videos is cool. Yeah, but I just X videos. Yeah, yeah, just point of point of you can't go on.

I'm a hub man. I just never. Do you guys ever have a password back in the day to like a hub? We there was a Brazzers password. It was like 14 sites you could get. Yeah, yeah, dude man the X videos. It's weird Cuz down here the porn is I don't know now mines all like Latinos Yeah, I mean you're bad it's a lad algorithm. It's the algorithm. Yeah, that's all yeah, that's kind of what's in demand right now Yeah, make a roll with that Exactly told it let's go great those those passwords and shit like that

Our dads is who they that who fucked they got fucked up by that all that kind of stuff in the pop-ups Yeah, my dad literally went through five laptops in like a six-month period Crazy coming up my mom's like what the fuck I don't know. It's crazy. It's coming up. My mom's like, what the fuck? Yeah, it sucks. Coming upon like some if you hit like a desktop and you like see the service, they don't they didn't know about search history. Yeah. So you could see the search history and be like, God, man, what are you?

Yeah. Searching boobs like a fucking eighth grader. Something about my dad. I was like, dude, I know you're fucking the not. How are you talking about? He's fucking fucking. Yeah. It's like dude. I know you're fucking the not how are you talking about? He's fucking fucking hair. It's like yeah My dick's a lot bigger now though I'm saying he got some ass you click the ad Dick pills I've added five to seven inches about a fucking mature lady in my area

Jokes on you asshole. I'm about to fucking mature lady in my area. Jokes on you, asshole. I'm about to fuck a bunch of locals. There's a lot of together with someone. Yeah, with so, yeah. I want to know if that's ever worked out for anybody. I don't know a single person who's hit like the fine. Does it work? Well, there's an Internet hound.

Oh, search things out. Does it work? Sometimes. Sometimes what works like those like find local single girls. God damn man. Yeah, right. It's like the new Craigslist kind of these kids. Well, there's like 48. These creeps. I mean, Married like 48. These creeps. I meant, yeah, that's cool.

You did read it. I had to work out one time, you know, the numbers that you call and you can like talk to a lady. I was able to convince her. I was like, well, we should meet up and I ended up meeting up with her. What? Yeah. She didn't look like a 1-900-6-6 Latino dude. She looked like shit. Anyway, I don't know if you can handle this.

She's been sitting in a dark room saying dirty words into a phone for years. Yeah, she's the hottest girl in the world. Where'd you meet? I met at her place. What? This was in. I hear you come up the steps. It was that he stopped at a landing. He's just breathing heavy. Oh, no. What is the fuck? Hey, guys, prize picks is the best place to get real money sports action. With over 10 million members and billions of dollars in awarded winnings,

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lineup. That's code Drenched on the prize picks app to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup price picks run your game Hey, and just like that guys don't forget. We also do stand-up comedy alright. I know you guys love the pod Don't forget you can come check us out a fucking show dude by the way Just got my motherfucking haircut. Just like that know you guys are going She guys Go I'll run down the list go to Shane m gill Gillis comm I know he's got a couple shows coming up Manchester, England man, that's gonna be a big one go to Manchester. You hear that you British fucks

You motherfuckers guys go to Manchester and go check out, you know, go check out all those shows I'll also be in the Comedy Castle, real oak Michigan and it's in danger of selling out. So I'm not just saying that it's true. Funny Bone Omaha, we could use some tickets there not gonna lie. Laugh Out Loud Comedy Club, San Antonio, Texas. Cobbs Comedy Club. Suck on my motherfucking Cobb in San Francisco, California. Crest Theater,

Sacramento, California. We'll see how that goes then the Neptune Theater, Seattle, Washington And I have a couple other dates coming up, but you know I will say but yeah go on a motherfucking go on and get yourself Some motherfucking tickets Pardon the interruption. Hello everybody. This is Sean Gardini I just wanted to let you know that I'll be doing stand-up comedy in Las Vegas, Nevada at Wise Guys Comedy Club this Friday, February 28th and Saturday, March 1st. Me and Nate Marshall will be at Wise Guys Comedy Club in Las Vegas, Nevada. Please come if you can. Tickets are at SeanGardini.com.

Please, for the love of God, come if you can. And go see LaMare Lee on the road as well this weekend. And Cincinnati, Pennsylvania, and a lot of other places. Tickets are available at LaMareLee.fun. And Optipum Noctus is next week, Tuesday, March 4th at the Creek in the Cave. Please come. SeanGardini.com, SeanGardini.com, SeanGardini.com. Please come. They'll be fun shows. And that's a Gardini guarantee. Thank you, pardon the interruption.

Can you tell the story of going through the yoga ball or the exercise ball? This is- Yeah, this one was was pretty bad. I think about this story constantly. But hold this chick. She lived in the Thomas Jefferson houses in the Bronx. And I went up there. And it was it was a bad there was just a dude sleeping on her couch. And her kids were there. And we went to the room. I stayed overnight. It was bad. There were so many roaches in there. And I just

seen this documentary about roaches crawling in somebody's ear Screaming and I was sweet life. You were living at the time I was so bugged out and the kids were so sweet and I remember like we were in there we Yeah, I was I thought for like a week That this was a sign from God that I was supposed to like marry this woman and save her and the kids I just never talked to her again, but For a couple of days I really thought like I had like a sign from God But I remember she's like let's get the kids out of the house or whatever and they're like, can we go to the store?

Whatever. I'm like, yeah, I had like, you know a couple 20s on me Then the dude on the couch comes in he's like, Oh, can I grab something to just keep him at 20? And then they came back with like Chinese food or something. And we all ate as a family. That's awesome. And then watched Kung Fu hustle and went to sleep. And I slept with toilet paper in my ears because I don't want the roaches to crawl. Jiboner. Yeah.

I'm sorry. Talking about on the Chinese food run. Yeah, the Chinese food run. I had a similar, like horrific, hor'm sorry. Talking about. On the Chinese food run, you banged? Yeah, on the Chinese food run. And then that night. I had a similar horrific horny story. I remember I was at a strip club, met a stripper, whole thing, changed numbers. I'm like, yes, I can finally date a stripper.

It was going to be so sick. And I went to her house, and there was just a nine-month-old infant there. And I was like, all right. I think we might have kissed. Yeah, it's a good kiss, though. You just dip her at the pacifier in sweet and sour McDonald's sauce and put it in the baby's mouth And I was like dude. This is fucking dark. Holy shit, and then there were there were trans prostitutes above

She was she told me this and they were like making a ruckus up there It was they were up there banging around she was like yeah, dude like they'll set up shop in the hallway I'll just hear like dong dong dong against the door and open up and one of them was getting piped out in the hallway We get up get upstairs you guys know shut the fuck up It was rugged man, that's when you get a taste and you're like Scale it back not about that life. Yeah, not out of it. Not at all. The yoga ball story. I was living in a studio apartment in Queens. This is towards the end of my first run in New York before I moved home to Philly and did comedy. I was doing a lot of blow. My brother

had like gotten engaged and moved out of the apartment that we lived and I was by myself and it was bad. So working at this place I was doing blow and maybe like six months in there was like a nice little apartment on the first floor just been redone had all stuff in there is making a go of it. I got bed bugs. And I had to throw out everything in my apartment, every single thing in my apartment. So I had a blow up mattress that was like my bed like in the corner like I had like a comforter and shit on

this thing after I cleaned it all and easy and my I had a yoga ball for my computer where I would fucking sit there do blow jerk off all that kind of stuff You know the norm This hooker over there one night and fuck I Was smoking where you know, we're watching porn obviously and all that kind of stuff I'm obviously doing you know Okay And I was smoking a cigarette, and I was naked. And I was probably covered in olive oil or Vaseline

or something. Completely naked. You were ready for sex. And I had to go in the oven at 350 for an hour. Poke some holes in them and let them sweat, baby. I just want to heat him up. He's fully. And I just put my cigarette down and it popped the fucking yoga ball. And I just fucking.

And I remember she started laughing at me and she had like a deviated septum. She was like, like just snorting started laughing at me and she had like a deviated septum. She was like, like just snorting and laughing at me. And man, I was talking about that. It's the funny. I mean, sitting there, smoking a cigarette, just oiled up naked. You're at the top. You're as cool as you could be at that moment.

You're all having a blast and then boom on the little pin that holds the air and fly out or did you blow it out? The blood he claims is the cigarette. There's obviously was not the cigarette. There's a weight issue This is so recent this size How big were you like you were still maybe maybe 250? Yeah 250 doing yoga Chinese made yoga balls Yeah, I was no way it was the cigarette no, I think it went down only in pop cuz it blew up like from the burn hole Really? I never thought about it. I believe you. Now. Now I don't believe him. I've never thought about it. But he lies about

everything. For sure. How's it gonna land on a maybe rolled over a safety pin or something like that. The next building took him out. It's probably the hookers fault. Honestly, it was definitely some jack sprinkled on the floor. It's probably the hookers fault honestly Jack sprinkled on the floor I try I had a set of spike strips in the house. I forgot

So your spike brass knuckles you're playing with the same. Yeah, I'm showing him my butterfly Pretty cool you fall flat on your bed like that Yeah Bone was sore for like two weeks after that. Having a little aloe vera laugh though. Dude, it's like a gun went off. It was like four in the morning and I was real paranoid. Because I was on the first floor in the lobby and I had two doors. Like I had two doors that entered my apartment.

And like I'd get so coked up, I'd be like listening to doors to see if anybody was in there. I was sketched out. You want to take the romance out of the room if I can pop a yoga ball covered in olive oil Real dry skin Freak man man. I'm a freak man. You're on the road. What are you talking about? He's gonna dish out a new cover. You've never been covered in Pam spray before.

Yeah. Yeah. Do you ever get a new room massage? Yeah. What a new room? A new room when a lady like greases herself up and just slides herself across you now And you there was a porn category that I know and it's kind of Oddly catches my eye, but doesn't fully get I've got one in real life And it was just like an older kind of drug out old lady just laid on me for a while

Motel sit like a shitty like highway motel being like okay, I'm good on this now. She came to you. I went there. It was at a motel. So like a side of the highway outdoor motel. So it wasn't really a spa per se. They typically do it on like an air mattress for like. Yeah, this is just the. Blanket is ruining a blanket with an old lady oil. Yeah, it just ruined the bed.

You're not going to get your deposit back, maybe. It was underwhelming. I thought they built it up so much on the video in the movies. And then I was like, you know, this is for you. It was like a very fucked up lady. I had to run her to write it afterwards for what she had to like go buy supplies. You know, buy like hooker supplies. She's like, can you give me a ride to write it?

And I was like, yeah, fine. Hop in. Shrouded her off. Grab me some supplies. She's like you give me a ride to write a nose like yeah fine hop in Shopped her off grab me some cheese. It's when you're in there with Me a Whitman sampler Ready to trip after yeah fuck that's I so I had a weird pride where I like I really prided myself back then on being Able to like really chop it up with prostitutes. I'm like now we can like chill and talk yeah I think for you prostitutes. I took like, now we can like chill and talk. Yeah. Is that a big thing for you, prostitutes? I took a, yeah, I had a period. I took it, I took it away.

This is like, I felt really nice when I sit there and just like, once all the business was handled, just sit and fucking chat. Yeah. It's kind of fucked. Well yeah, once we settled our affairs. When the business was concluded.

Our contracts were signed. That's crazy. Like Swiss businessman, once you get done talking business, you can talk about social. That must be just insane. I'm sure the post not clarity for most guys is like, holy fuck. What am I doing in this motel? But when you got a cool pose, you're posting. I was like, you need a ride. They were cool. Like the cool ones were cool as shit. Yeah. Like they got it. They could hang out with them and shoot your ship somewhere chill. Yeah. And you just kind of it's really tempting to be like, can I just be like a guy? Should I just like be a security guy for you or something?

Because you do want to get into it. You're like, dude, I could just hang out in shitty motels. What are we going to free base cocaine? I guess I've never done that before. I guess I could do that. Sue your supplies to be your guy. Do you even write aid? What are the fucking thing of tin foil and baby oil. Big night, huh?

I remember when the pharmacies, they started getting the free Kyle. They didn't have that for a long time. Now it's wild. The condoms, the family planning now. Wild. The condoms, the fucking heat up lube and all that kind of stuff. Me and my wife had a meeting I'm gonna use astragal and fucker in the blood family planning as a family that's the family planning I

We've had a long talk. Yeah, we really thought things through and we're ready to Try a cock ring They saw cock rings and fucking CBS. Yeah, no way. It's like it's just a lube. It's lube condoms and then they have the vibrating cock. Yeah, they do. I thought you were kidding around. They have cock rings. Yeah, it's a good vibe.

Pregnant unless she comes, you know, right next to the dental floss. True. Dang, I got a bus when I got a bus out of vibrating cockering. I haven't done it. It's been a while. It's been a while since I possibly a decade. You've used one. Oh for sure really No, we were joking How to go pretty amazing? I made you wait instead away down at the shaft shaking

It is goes down there and buzzes and it seems like it makes sense right dude It's if you want to feel like an all-star. Yeah, it's just huh your dick just becomes a fucking there I say a little vibrator. Yeah, so it's just like it's on the bottom and every time you get all the way in rather than them being like They're going. Oh, what's that? Them gone, that's it. I Think my dick's too small for that my balls. They keep my balls would be going back and forth like one of those things on a desk Yeah, you do it there there is like a if you lose I wouldn't leave it alone. Yeah, you do it there. There is like a if you lose

Yeah, they're definitely not one size fits all so like if you get if you lose any hardness that thing starts wobbling around You just got to like pinch the fucking you just give it a little twist and be like, yep, we're so good Oh, it's filling this thing. Fuck. That rings too big for you. You got to do a dry run by yourself Break it out. It's too big. You gotta go. You know what? Let's not use it You gotta beat off you gotta beat off with it first. You can't just break it out. It's too big. You know what? Let's use it. You got to be off. You got to be off of the first. You have to just test it out. Sure. You got to dry runs back in the day. You did dry runs with condoms before the first thing, before you started having sex and you. Yeah, that's called a dress rehearsal.

Yeah, dressers. They were fun. Yeah, I enjoyed those. That was great. You get your hand. You get your hands on like a lifestyles or something, man. Got to use it. It's good stuff. No mess either. Yeah, that was. Yeah, that's almost instinctual. If you see economy, you're going to like the first economy.

See, use it to beat off kind of. At least I did. I was just like, I did it a good amount more than I probably. I entered an adult phase. I entered like an embarrassing and don't phase. Don't phase. Don't feel bad for a second. But what? Don't worry about it. I would say I might get back. Yeah, I would say McCusky was a little freak. And I was freaking out. Second what a don't worry about it

McCusky was a little freakin Late late 20s early 30s like a ball porn I remember they were like yeah, I remember there for like just like if it was like a Like period thing or like sure before like there was like pill issues like if you're on the pill off like one of condoms just in case I remember at one point they were just gone like what the fuck I was like I beat off As you I genuinely did like oh my god you must be doing sounds like no I've really beat off in the bathroom Like on a Tuesday afternoon Took forever. I remember. My parents found a condom in my bedroom

and it was after I had just all my guy friends sleep over. Oh. And they were like, what the fuck? Ha ha ha. Saw these jock straps. And he came in like, mom, I was jacking off. I didn't see that, I was butt fucking one of my friends. We were having sex, we were jacking off.

We were having protected gay sex with one of my buddies. We were having sex. We were checking off. We were having protected gay sex with one of my buddies. We were just mutually masturbating. Condom in the room is. That's devastating. Yeah. Although, you know, if it's like young kids, it's like people have them. I think I was like a senior in high school.

That's borderline. Still, it's like someone had that thing on them. It's not like, I wouldn't jump to like my son was fucking a five-man butt fucking fest No, but I mean there was no women True really kids have them on them. We were in high school. I remember you keep like a lifestyles in your wall Yeah, sure. Oh, it's gonna be sick. No, it was used it was oh Yeah, it's not like they found the rapper. It was a condom They didn't find a condom like my gay son

Use condom after all's sleepover. They're like, what the fuck happened? Oh, man. I was like, yeah, my friend Jared used it. Ew. Just immediately blamed a friend. That's fucking wildly upsetting. Yeah. Oh, so it sounds like maybe it's kind of sus, but I don't know. No, it's real sus. You just come to college.

Come. Damn. You should have like completely like, yeah it and then someone else like the rapper I try to tell him to stop they're all just having sex with each other Piece of gum on the tip of it did they sit did your mom confront you or your dad my dad Oh, what did he say? Hell's going on up there He's I think you left something on the floor in your bedroom get up there. I was like, oh my god

So what you put it on jerked off and then just slung it to the side in your parents house it was bedtime Of course, obviously I'm talking about it now I'm still thinking about that mistake. What more did you have important that that like fell to the third thing on the list? That's the whole beauty of the working off with economy. That was also that's a CP. That's an early CP. It's a CP. I'll put you right out. That's early. Cream pie. You take it all for sure.

Coming into a condoms kind of intense as a young man. I remember thinking about it, be like, what's it gonna do when it happened? Like, what's it gonna, I was just like, I was baffled by it. Yeah. That was pretty cool. See, I remember seeing a little tip in me

and like, pssh, and fill that thing up. No problem. Red board tip. There you go. I didn't really. Yeah. When I first saw the bottle. When I first saw one,

I never thought that's what it was gonna look like. I thought it had like straps. I thought that's what it was going to look like. I thought it had like straps. I didn't understand what it was. And when I saw it, I was like, man, that's a great design. It's just a thin. If I would have been a research and development on condoms, we'd be 30 years behind to be using lampskins. Remember those? Yeah.

Somebody used to have a good job. It was the Apollo had a good joke about that. A landstamp skin condom. Then you'd fuck the girl in the whole room, which smell like a gyro. Straps are so fucking. Yeah, I thought I thought it was like like foam and went around and it couldn't click in my brain that it was supposed to catch this stuff coming out. I thought I thought it was like a knee brace. I like a lineman would wear like I

thought it was a don joy. It was orthopedic. Yeah, right. Yeah, I knew we were gonna talk about common jacking off. I know. I know. What else? Your parents ever kept you having sex in the house with anybody? No, I got caught sucking boobs in like seventh grade. Really? That's pretty cool, though. I know. What else? Ever kitchen having sex in the house with anybody? No, I got caught sucking boobs in like seventh grade.

Really? That's pretty cool though. That age. So it's pretty safe. My dad walked down in his underwear. He's like, whoa, Jesus Christ. And I just I had like a flyers jacket unzipped and open just going that one.

Oh God. And just walk. He just left. Who was his bruiser where the fuck Outside the spectrum Not a big deal Finally we can brag about it Yeah, it was an eighth graders boobs. I was sucking on. I hope no one clips this Like that to open it up took a while man watching the movie slowly watching Jurassic Park slowly. It's like

Long zipper Zip down it was a full zip down. Yeah, just throw a pullover being crazy. It's a good snap of the titty out of the top Sounds back to a few good men. Someone's done it before. Someone stuck titties under a starter jacket before I'm sure. For sure. Those things, dude, that was like, that made your whole year back then.

Like what starter jacket you got? Ah. I had the Miami Hurricanes. I thought that was like a sick logo. I had a 76ers. Loved it. Yeah. The Orlando Magic for some reason. I had Orlando Magic. Sh had a 76ers. Loved it. Yeah. The Orlando Magic for some reason.

I had Orlando Magic. Shack was big. Yeah. The Charlotte, if you saw a kid in Philly wearing Charlotte, that act was a dirt bag. That was a broken home for sure. It's funny you got that in Foreman Mills or something. Yeah.

Now you feel the obligation. You got to stick to your teams. But for a while, it was like very fashionable to have like you could have like an Atlanta Hawks hat or we were basically black people at that point. Yeah. It's great. I saw a dude wearing the NBA jeans the other day. My neighbor and the patches on them.

I was like, dude, remember then they had all the patches. It was like Lloyd Banks used for sure. Yeah, I was like, God damn, he busted him back out. I don't maybe still wear them. Loves the league. True. Yeah. Just loves maybe a particular damn. He busted him back out. I don't maybe still wear them. Just loves the league. True, yeah. He just loves maybe. No particular team, just sports the team.

Yeah, I learned, I was on Kill Tony like a couple months ago, and I saw there was a black gentleman performing and his jeans were like almost all, like all holes. And that was kind of like the latest iteration I'd seen. I was a big jersey and matching fitted kid man very heavily influenced by g-unit Junior got me to how could you not that was like yeah, he came in like a fucking tornado I know I was one of her I never got one of his like g-unit wife beaters those things are wild

No matter even as in shape as I ever was I could not wear a fucking I just looked bad in them. I'll get work for the Joker like it was just Like proper henchmen. It was just not a good look. Yeah, and I used to do is that could pull those off It was great. You're wearing at the beach. That's that's when yeah, that's a pro fat guy move Yeah, like I'm not I don't have a shirt on it's really like the team I made a promise to myself a long time ago as fat as I was. I was a kid. I'm not going to be the kid wearing the t-shirt or whatever.

Yeah, I would take the shit off before we got to the pool and be like, this is me. Let's roll now. Some titties now. It's like everyone wears shirts. Now everyone wears the SPF shirts. It's crazy. Yeah, it's pretty nuts.

Yeah, those are nice. They are kind of fucking nice. Yeah, I had one in the pool. A guy was hit me with those. He was wearing first when we were at the beach and I was like, you look like a dumbass. Yeah, he bought me one. I was like, these are fucking sick off a sunscreen on it all. All you got to do is just hit your nose. Yeah, all the kids have I just went I tried my shirt once in a

pool. And then you don't think you get out. It's like you lie. You're like this. So it was navy blue too. So it's not even like he's in there in a button damn. And I got out and then it's like you're then your shirts wet. I didn't have a next year. So I'm just like, then you have to either take it off or out of the pool, which is worse than in the or just hang out. Come off. You're just like, oh, yeah. The shirt in the pool is crazy, man, especially just being wet. Like you were saying, after you're done, you're just so so uncomfortable.

It's uncomfortable to swim in. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. You might like spread out a little swimming, look like an octopus. Yeah. Just think that's asking to get dunk dunked the fat kid wearing the shirt. Easy pickings you're going under. I had the thought process to have like no one will know. Yeah, no one's gonna believe that it's fat it is because I Bernie's like adults are like,

somebody Duncan. I might my dad I was a a real fat kid growing up. My dad was a fat kid, too. Yeah. So he just like looked at me and he's like, knock it off. Like he was like so devastated that I was also a fat. Yeah. I learned it from you. Yeah. Getting called out by your parents for fucking late night snacking. Yeah. My mom still does that.

She'll be she'll be in bed at like eight thirty. And if we stay at the house, I'm down there fucking rummaging through. You're rummaging. I'm a grizzly bear. My mom. What is the bear bag? Outside. He's out there. Yeah, my mom would just tell me she's like, you got fat.

Like, she'll just like, look at me and be like, you put on a lot of weight. You look kind of fat. They're vicious with that shit. Just doesn't mince words. So yeah, you're getting a little hefty there. I get that you look good. And I'm like, I'm about to die. Like I'll come off the road for like two weeks.

My head's like this big. She's like, you look good. Meanwhile, like I had to go to the hospital recently because my insides are. I don't know. Here came back. Probably a muscle. For sure thought I was dying. happens.

Trying to turn it all around though. This 2025 is my everyone turns around possibly possibly 2026. But definitely 28. 28. I know is gonna be good. We're gonna slide into probably a golden age, like as a country in 2028 probably. Nah, fuck that.

I'm going the other way. You think it's gonna be doom? Yeah. Really? I'm riding it out. He was worried about the asteroid this morning. I'm praying for it. He's like, is this thing gonna fucking hit us or not?

I'm like, dude, what are you doing in your room, man? This is brutal conversation at fucking 9 a.m. I'm praying for it. It's not as we actually gonna wait till 2032. So this thing that hit us is 2032. What they said, yeah, I'm gonna use all of our missiles to blow it up. Can't deflect it. Hmm. It's past the point of deflection, they said. So I don't know what they're gonna do. They're just gonna ride it out wherever it hits. Deal with it. Wait, why can't they blow it up into a bunch of

pieces? Armageddon this thing? So I'm saying if we shimmy on the horn, I read something that it's it's too far past where we be able to hit it or something like that. I Also have no idea. I'm getting this from Instagram. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about What the fuck Yeah, I feel you I mean if it's still an outer space can we just send nukes into outer space? I don't think that shit what think that don't work that things cooking. That's like 28,000 miles a second. Yeah, that's right off of it. Especially if it's like iron or something like that. Oh, yeah. Fuck. Just heats it up and it hits us harder. Yeah. It makes it angry. Just pisses it off. Now you're all in big trouble. Gets bigger. I wonder who is going to hit. Is it's going to all depend on the way the earth's turning? Yeah. How big is it? How big it even hits us? Yeah, they can hit us there. There's doing the asteroid fear cycle. Yeah So they get me with the plane cycle, dude

That's a flight that any of us could have been on Minneapolis to Toronto, yeah I know everybody lived though. So I don't know if the pilot's a hero or a fucking dumbass. Everybody walked away. He flipped out. It was like the miracle in the Hudson on ground. He just flipped it over. Yeah. It reminds me of Kings of Tupelo. He's like, they call me a retard and a dumbass. Yeah. Yeah. How the fuck did it flip?

He was just going a little too fast. You are a retard and a dumbass. I don't know if they hit the right, if he overshot the runway, but it looks like he hits the right engine, immediately catches on fire. So he like bounced and then it just flipped over. But as it flipped over, those wings came right off.

Yeah. So, and it was on fire, but everybody inside was cool. those wings came right off. Yeah. So and it was on fire. But everybody inside was cool. They got out. Everybody got out. Yeah, but I always take my seatbelt off early. And I think about that all the time before we land. I'm like, oh, I do it every now and again. Yeah, I'll be like, second we touch the ground.

I snap that thing. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Your proper land. I'll take it off. I'll just if they don't remind me to put it back on, I'll just my dream is to surf the flight, to stand in the aisle and surf landing. That'd be nice That would be decent, but if you're the seatbelt if you're not wearing it, you'd be the one deaf You know embarrassing that's what I'm saying if it flips over. I'm like Flipped I would fall that'd be a hard fall to the ceiling

Yeah, I would be done. I probably take out the lady next to me And in front and behind sure all of the 88 passengers 87 unscathed one guy fucking here's the thing I try to be cool Now just jump the other way Flip then they're all on the ceiling and their seat belts and then you got to do that thing upside down Yeah, I know I'm surprised nobody fucking got wrapped out would be so far in my gut that I wouldn't be able to get it out. I would definitely have shit in my pants, too.

Oh yeah, that would suck. I saw one guy that there's footage of people getting out and the guy grabs ladies, but I saw that. What? I think he has to get him. I know, but he grabs her. Yeah, on the way out, he's like, here you go, get out of there. As she's he gets her on the turn. know, but he grabs her. Yeah.

He gets her on the turn. Yeah. So it's not even like the push. It's like he's guiding the guides her in and then he fucking wink. Yeah, he gives a little hunk little bowling action. I'm pretty sure that guy was not straight though. We've got those numbers flight attendant. Yeah, and male flight attendant. Yeah, for being precise little male cheer. She probably hasn't done this. Like you're leading allows. We've crunched those numbers.

It's been like four months where every week, every couple of weeks, it's something. I know if you and if you go globally, I mean, South Korea, they had like ages going nuts, been going nuts, though. Nuts. Yeah, those airlines. Crazy. I'm never going over there. That video. See the video of the one last year, the the guy he's filming himself the one that went to the gorge Fuck pretty quick. Yeah, is it just Korean Airlines that like all Asian Airlines have been acting up I think they typically act up over there. You think they've funny way to call it

As they plummet to the ground you boys acting up out there really playing a fool over there wouldn't you think they have that shit kind of all locked though Dude, you would think South Korea. Everything's probably fucking tight meticulous. That's what I'm saying. I mean fucking It might be an operator issue There in lies the problem It's bad. Something long. We were just talking about the funniest thing to ever. So fucked up. Something. What was the third one?

Something long. We too low. That was like Bing Bao. Al. Like it was like something about the crowd. Like the noise or something. I wonder who did that. We were talking to someone. It was probably like an intern or something like that. That's not that in there.

That's so far. I mean, that guy should have got a writing job somewhere. Yeah Didn't the one just straight-up disappear one time, too Yeah, yeah, it was disappeared we too low holy fuck bang ding-ow We too low Malaysian airline everyone thinks they went in the ocean. What if they went into outer space? Whoa that fucking that's crazy. We never even you're onto something. I've never stopped the asteroid why exactly yeah, that's what they're doing Find out 2032 Malaysian Airlines, this would be your honor the vacation. That's how they pull you like fuck

Underwear with me be serious This would be your honor the vacation that's what they pull you like fuck How do you bring enough nexium I'm gonna have wicked art burn up there. He's brutal to travel with Constantly needs to do laundry and fucking Ozepik burp on a plane. Oh I think about that all the time. Toilet was broken. We got all the guys like it's not really flushing right. And we were in the front row. So I'm like, God damn it fucking smells like shit. I'm like, I might say I'm gonna fucking

do then we get down here. We're out front of the mothership like last year, we're out front of the mothership. We see like last year, where we're out front of the mothership. We see people like, oh, are you garbage? Like, so we're like talking to them. Smells like sewage out there. I just think that's six. You know what I mean? And it's just like a fucking three weeks after mothership open.

We're sitting at the bar having a beer before our spots. And I'm like, the plumbing in this place to what the fuck? The three places I had been with them in a row. I'm like this sewage goddamn and he goes you smell that I go how the fuck can't you he's like that's me. And then he's like do you think the van smelled that I was like for sure. septic tank put in me the only good thing is no one would ever think that's human.

So like no one's ever going to go that's fully they're like there's a storm like shit. We were talking to those guys. That's external influence. That's a real thing that is Zembik burps. Yeah, so bad. Why? Yeah, because some people they don't get the side effects

that bad. We're talking to Mike Eaton hosted the other night. And he was he was saying that I was having to get him can we had host the show at the pop up Joe at the creek was doing street fucking Ozempic he gets it from like a guy. But he said he doesn't have problems with it. I know people that don't have problems with it. I had it so bad. We're like shit would just it just stops your stomach.

Yeah. So my shit would just sit in there and fester like the sarlacc pit just fucking bubbling up his brutal. And dude, it would. The burps were so fucking bad. We were worse than the farts, which is crazy. Well, I had a real bad. Me and my wife flew to Greece and we came back and I got jammed up at customs. And it was like an hour and a half

line and it was like every 30 seconds I was like trying to do the fat girl blow out the side I would hear I started to hear the people behind me go what the fuck. So I started but every time I would do it I'd go what the fuck you guys that's crazy so I got some bad meat in I would do it I go You guys that's crazy, so I got some bad meat in their bag or something it sucked Smelled it was Ari. He was only one brave enough. I was like you're the only one I can answer this to would you want to Smell one he's like yeah, go ahead. Hey, you don't want any more of it It's like rotten eggs, dude.

Dragon, proper dragon. Yeah, go ahead. Yeah, it sucks. And you were in line for it. What was that? Do her customs. Oh, my God. I would have fucking killed myself

if somebody was burping shit. And we were in a customs line is maybe my favorite place when you land at JFK. Just fucking Afghanistan Airlines just got off next to you. It's coming off worse than I want it to. You know, I should have listed listed like in fucking the Ares Australia's flows motherfuckers to it. I do get mad when the when the international lines moving faster than the American line. Yeah, we doing

Yeah, I pay my taxes type shit really. Yeah, it gets you in the fucking gut But we're only moving in small increments, so I couldn't even like do it Bad Had a plea keep that up for an hour and a half sipping a ginger ale pray head. How to please keep that up for an hour and a half. Sipping a ginger ale praying it would go away. combination in there. Get those birds really kill this. Get that real ginger in there just floating around. Yeah, but when you would take care when you that was like when you were off

you're coming off of two weeks and fucking Greece so you're eating like a fucking mania. When he would die when he would stay on top of it. it was a little better. But when like on the road, it was just we'd be in a minivan and you're like, dude, we got to pull over. Smells like one of those old cars that smells like sulfur. You know, so it's the farts are even worse. What? I wouldn't know what it was.

A burp is crazy. It was and they were like long and hot and just it's like a gas leak. He shit his pants on the tour bus. That happens. Oh, Zembix slows up your whole digestive system. So like everything just moves so slow. Yeah. And how much could you eat on that? Would it slow you down big time? Me or? Yeah. And how much could you eat on that? Would it slow you down big time? Me or? Yeah. You know, I could I would press through it. I probably should have stayed on the Japanese say you eat till you're 80% full.

Yeah. If I was maybe doing that, I would have been all right. But I would I would push through it because at the time it would be. His Japanese neighbor says all of the Japanese is called something in Japanese, the Japanese neighbor says it. I'm not all of the Japanese. It's called something in Japanese, the Japanese neighbor. But Japanese neighbor. It wouldn't it wouldn't hit until later. So I wouldn't realize how full I was to like a couple of minutes after I ate. Yeah, I'm going to be bad.

Oh, and it would just sit there. You feel it in your stomach. Just like it was like having a crock pot down there just slow cooking. Set it and forget it. Bad news is coming. My girl fucking hated it. Sleep with that dude. That's crazy. I get real defensive embedded in my CPAP. We're gonna do this is my weight loss journey. Embedded of my seat popper This is my weight loss journey

Went up to a machine keeping you alive Did you burp into the machine at all? Dude, that would wake me up in the middle of the night and be like, what the fuck? Fucking hotboxing himself. Be like punching out of an F-16, just like, ah. Under the covers must have been nuts. Under the covers must have been crazy. Trapped to flavor. Just seven passengers of a cruise die.

Yeah. I remember one night she got up in the middle of the night and was like, I woke up and she was standing at the end Of the bed. What are you doing? I'm doing this for you I really wish I could have been a part of one of these burps. I know I don't but I just know like it smelled like Thanks. I think about the other burps and go to a medicine ball every It smelled like it smelled like eggs. I think about the Ozemic burbs and go to a medicine ball every all the time.

I think about this every day. Did the fully Ozemic burbs on a plane? Oh, just I'd be so mad if I was on the plane because sometimes when the noise of the plane and the air moving around, you can get away with murder up there. You really can't. You really can't. You'll let one you build it up You got your own fan for sure Hit the aisle you can hit the directional giveaways when you're moving the

But yeah, you do that one little test to see if it smells and if it's alright plus you got to see all that stuff You know could be any man. sometimes you're just like, fuck. Yeah. Wives, I will say my wife punishes me when I fart on a plane. She goes, was that you? And if I had fart, I'll laugh. I can't not laugh hysterically.

If I did fart and someone smells it, so I'll be like, dude, shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, it's like, well, you're blowing up my spot. Why would you do this? I feel like it doesn't get that far, though. Doesn't, but when you see it hit someone, it's the fart. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Doesn't. But when you see it hit someone, it's the.

Yeah, you see like a guy reading the paper like folds a crisp Wall Street Journal. Yeah, it is. Me and butterly were on a plane once and a little boy in front of us any time either of us farted, he would turn around and go he would hit him and he would face around and go He's facing the gap at the season big he thought it was like the funniest thing in the world Always you see his face. I would have been me if I was a guy if somebody was behind me farting like that if somebody was behind me fighting like that, I'd be like.

I've been delighted as a real one. Oh, fuck. And he would like say it to his parents. You make I think they farted again and make sure stop staring. That was so funny. Oh, fuck. A bastard show. So funny. Yeah, God damn, dude. Hot day. Yeah, it's a good podcast. Yeah. It's fucking hilarious.

It's great. Yes. We love you boys. Yeah. Nice fucking rule. We love you. Yeah, it's a fucking good podcast. Yeah, it's fucking hilarious. You guys are the best. We love you, boys. Yeah. Nice fucking rule. We love you. Oh, yeah. You guys, you don't have anything to promote, right? Yeah. Yeah.

Route 66 special. Route 66 special wasn't on our YouTube page. Check it out. Yeah, so we did. Oh, yeah. We did this whole big tour from Chicago to LA. Or any of the burps and farts featured in it. He shits and says, we have him shitting his pants on like five different

arrows. Epic TV. I was epic problems all the time, but we filmed all the shows. We filmed everything on the bus and all stuff. We put it all together. Connor. Connor. Yeah. Directed it. Shot it and edited the whole thing. And we think it came out great. We think it's something different, something fun. So we're excited. When's it coming out? Route 66 comes out February 25th. Fuck it, man. When's it coming out? Route 66 comes out February 25th. Oh, fuck yeah, man.

When's it coming out? YouTube, YouTube. On YouTube. Are you going? Hell yes. So whenever this comes out, it could be there. It'll be coming out very soon. Nice, man.

We're excited. Fuck, that's gonna be awesome. It is gonna be very good. Check it out.