Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 549 - White Elmo (feat. Big Jay Oakerson)

Episode Date: March 7, 2025

WATCH Big Jay's New Special 'Them' Out on YouTube Now!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T12MMZ69Z2Y Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Listen to Legion of Skanks and The Bonfire Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Go See Jason Live @ https://www.bigjaycomedy.com/ Yo0o0o. tgif everybody. This week Big Jason joins the broadcast (tbqh it was two weeks ago bcuz we stacked up so shang could focus on snl stuff). Regardless, pipin hot cast. What else would you expect. Go watch Jay's spesh now if you haven't already. Please enjoy. God Bless. This video is sponsored by BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com/MSSP Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Wow, wow, Wes. The water does smell a certain way. What? It's a certain smell. Yeah, I think I haven't tried one yet, but I have. Hey, you're alive. Hey, haven't tried it yet. But I have three. I can't use Rogan's. I can't use wipes in my new place.

Rogan Studio has them. They have the heated toilet seats and shit. Yeah, the ones I got have that. So nice. But I've never used it and I'm still nervous because the place I got, I can't use wipes. You can't put them in the septic tank. So like I got bidets but still nervous. Everyone says it's great.

Why haven't I moved in yet? Never used one ever. Now, both of the places they tell me they have. They had a gas digital at them. I know. That's the first place I ever used them. When people say that, that's always the funniest thing to me to go, dude they have it at gas digital.

You haven't used it at KS Digi. You haven't used it at KS Digi? You're like, no, I've never shit right next to the studio. No, I've shit in there like 10 times. Well, it was always because you do real-ass podcasts. It's at 11 a.m. Sure. For me, that's early.

I wake up at like nine. And I'm always always late. So you gotta get that morning dump when you get to the studio. And then bidet. And then you go, I've never tried this. What's this button? It's clutch at the mothership.

God damn it. And was it awesome? You can't believe the accuracy. So why don't you? I thought it was gonna hit me. It does start every time no matter what. I go, oh, when it first gets to me, I jump a little and go, oh.

It's a nice treat. Bobby Kelly described it. He goes, you're waiting for which, I understand what he's saying. You're lining it up with the remote control until you hear like the go from like, tss to z, to ww, when your asshole starts accepting it.

Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty nice. Listen, I'm excited to try it. I just, I still don't fully get it. It's just water. I see the concept, but how could it be strong enough that you're really getting that clean?

Oh, it's hitting you, bro. It's strong, bro. Dude, if you moved, it would go like that you're really getting that clean? Oh Really Official gauge about a super circuit 50 Come on man, you trying to catch a lawsuit? 25, 50's crazy. So yeah, I'd say the yellow, the yellow and green one. Yeah, true. The basic one. Yeah, Toys R Us basic. But no, it hits you man. I would advise you to start cold.

Warm's kind of indulgent. Warm's borderline sexual. Warm's sexual. Warm water hitting you is like, you might as well fap. It's kind of sexual. So start cold. Matt, you couldn't be closer to the truth.

It's real sexual. I don't know if I would choose cold water to go up there if there was a warm water option. You're gonna want warm, bro. Everyone ends up warm anyway. Everyone goes warm. I don't know why that's making me cry, it's very funny. I think on the, yeah, I'm still a wipes guy on the road.

I just can't believe that most of the time, just paper for you. Just raw dog, yeah. I did can't believe that most of the time, just paper for you. Just raw dog, yeah. I did that for a very long time until, enough people were just like, what are you doing? Yeah, I get the wipes and there's peanut butter around your ass. They tell you it'll fuck your shit up.

But only if you have, well here's a couple things going on. There was no signs here when you moved in? No. That said don't put wipes in the toilet? Fire away, dude. Also, I roll in through those things. And then just don't put wipes in the toilet? Fire away, dude. Also, I run through those things. And then just don't go back to the store. Wow.

So I get like once a month, and then LaMare had a pack in the back, he was plowing through. Is your leg not a good house organizer, in a sense? Like one thing I've got to give Christine and I've got to give her always is you just go, run along wipes, and then like an Amazon thing of 20 packs of wipes show up. Awesome. you gotta give her always is you just go, run along wipes and then like an Amazon thing

of 20 packs of wipes show up. Awesome. Yeah, we have the, that can work against me though because I'm like, yeah, we need to get garlic powder. Did you add it to the grocery list? And I'm like, shut the fuck up. Yeah. You do the fucking grocery list.

I mean, it is a great system. Yeah, Jay, don't come in here with girlfriend bragging like that. Do not. Do not make me make fun of my girlfriend. It was more assistant bra, it was more the assistant skills. Yeah. That was a girlfriend brag and now I had fun of my girlfriend. It was more assistant bragging. It was more the assistant skills. That was a girlfriend brag and now I had to put my girlfriend down with her lack of skills.

The skills, yeah, you get, my baby didn't have those house skills, it took a while. Yeah. You had to learn how to use different parts of the iPhone, the notes app. Lot to that thing, man. I take notes. Take notes?

Sometimes. If Gardini says something funny when he's drunk, I write it down. And then send it to him the next morning, and go, remember when you said this? Oh. Someday, everyone will know I'm right. 2.30 in the morning on a Thursday.

That's a Gardini guarantee. That is a Gardini guarantee. You know, it's a fun thing, you ever go, I've written several things, I don't do it in years, which is why it's still sort of fun, because there's stuff from so long ago, but my phone notes when I had intentions of like,

oh yeah, this is a funny concept. I got it. And whatever the keywords you write those, you just see a thing, it's like, yeah, it's just like gay pizza. Yeah. What the fuck does that even mean? Like, I thought those keywords would drive me to like, when I got back home, like, yeah, it's just like, gay pizza. What the fuck does that even mean? I thought those keywords would drive me

to like when I got back home, like, all right, now what was my thing with gay pizza? Before the show, you're like, fuck, I don't have any material, let's go back into the old cars. Gay pizza. Gay pizza. Yeah, shit. Shit, I got it.

It sounds as bad as when somebody walks up to you and does like the, you know, if somebody else would go, gay pizza, can you do something with that? Gay pizza Yeah, I always think I'm like I'm gonna go back there one day And there's gonna be something I wrote a long time ago, and we go oh my god This is genius, and I just look at I'm like I'm a fucking dumbass I'm one of the dumbest most of it repeats seven times. I'm like yeah, I wrote this down five times

I still don't know what it is Rape comma sometimes fun question mark Well 330 in the morning on a Wednesday. Yeah, good work good was I 2019 Shane good job But yeah, they're never fucking that yeah, never something where I feel like I could go back and go oh, yeah Let me expound upon that. Never once. Nope, nope, nope, nope, never. Although I have lost some great ones, man, right before bed I go, oh definitely remember that and I wake up and go, oh, that was so good.

Nothing. It would have changed everything. Yeah, long drive in a car, say it over and over to myself three or four times, and then like, you get next day exactly, you're like, I was something about something. Long drive in a car, I go, this is gonna be good, I'm gonna get some material out of this.

Just rap for three straight hours, I didn't have one thought the entire drive. But you got the premise, it was a rap career? Yeah. Dude, I started smoking weed again in hopes of like, it'll jar up some new ideas. It's the same thing. I just got like confused in the grocery store and I was just like, this is not.

We both had nice groceries. We did. We both had a Whole Foods death. Same time. Yeah. Dude, I was getting let out personally. I got very high and listened to Led Zeppelin in the grocery store and it was, I mean, Led Zeppelin was way better than I remembered it.

I was like, I think I'm over this. Almost 40 now. That was like stuff when I was a kid. Dude, I was listening mean Led Zeppelin was way better than I remembered it. I was like I think I'm over this almost 40 now. That was like stuff when I was a kid, dude I was listening to Led Zeppelin too. I was like this is might be the greatest of all time. You put me back on you were like I let the lead out. I said I gotta let it out. Dude it was crazy. I rocks. I for real I am NOT lying I was walking towards the cheese aisle of the grocery store at one point like they hit the drums. I almost went and like kicked. cheese aisle of the grocery store and at one point, like they hit the drums and I almost went and like kicked. I almost, I was playing dude, I was on stage, I almost fucking kicked and signaled the drummer.

Yeah, my whole foods experience was, much like my experience at the mall. I literally, I was like, I'm gonna go to the grocery store. I got there, I was like, I don't even know what I want. You just said you don't even want it. I got chicken and bacon and eggs and left. That is why. I spent $30 and yeah.

Do you scan every aisle? Like you start produce. Dude, I walked around for a long time. It's a big thing. If you could smoke weed and go to the store, you start thinking ahead more. Yeah, you're planning ahead. Yeah, true.

You're like, I'm definitely gonna want fluff at some point. We don't want fluff or nothing. I never bought it ever but like should have it I Did it just every aisle four times I just walked I do like the outskirts usually then I just started hitting every aisle while I was jamming and then like Would be like oh, yeah I'm gonna need an onion and I'd go all the way back to the other side get an onion you're gonna need that onion talk about things like the things I end up like hoarding because I don't realize we have them, you buy too much, are

a great like, probably like four different kinds of pickles in my refrigerator. No meat, but four different jars of pickles that have been opened at different times. Yeah, well listen, you need stackers and you need spears, but after that you start just getting gluttonous. Fuck, I forgot the spears. I forgot the spears, the dill spears the deal. I gotta head back to the store Hey, bitch. Are these bread and butter chips cuz I said pickles. I do that I will say I think I don't think it's any good

but I just smoked weed all weekend being like I gotta come up with something funny and then I Went I actually went to a gala last weekend it was Brittany planned it months and months ago, and I got very high and went to that and it was a The only thing I keep weird people are talking about school like yeah, I started school in September But I was like held back because I wanted to be the older person in the class and I got her adults saying yeah We're just talking about like getting like if you got held back and I was like I just like muddled a Brittany I was like I got held back in the fourth grade because my dick was too big. I Laughed for 30 minutes

Dick too big for fourth grade Like why would you get held back Dude you're brooding it's just funny Back to why cuz my dick too big What's a gala? It's like a party. It's just a thing where you get dressed up and then they just make people,

they ask people for money basically. Oh, okay. So it was like a domestic violence thing and then they had cowboys come out and be like, one, another, another, another, another, another, another, another, another, another, another, another, another, another, another, another, another,

another, another, another, another, another, another, another, another, another, another, another, another, another, another, another, another, another, another, another, another, another, another, another, another, another, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no like, oh shit. What? Yeah, I was like, I'll pay for it if you can bid. You gotta start low. It was $50,000. No. And people were... It starts at like two. That's the move to raise your hand for the very first knowing it's going to fucking... Yeah, it's fun to go. 100 bucks, $1. Was it on will you it was like a vacation with a coach? Was like a boys vacation in the cabin with an adult man you don't know coach dark There'll be like a 32 person trip to Orlando just like Just LaMare do what they did on it. It was actually kind of it's kind of sick So, so they had this trip, they had to bid up to 15,000 bucks, and they had four people, and they went,

you, you, you, you all get it right away, and they all had to get one for 15 grand. I was like, oh. That hurts. Yeah. It was exciting, the Cowboy bidders were excited. It was nice. That was fun.

Yeah. But trying not to laugh for a half an hour. Did you get anything at the gala? Oh, I told Brittany, I said, bro, not a motherfucking thing. How much was she trying to raise that hand I? Told her before we went in and three times. I saw her elbow move, and I said I will not storm out I want that I will stay it's just like we could have it is it's kind of a girl trap because it's like they pop

Shit, you know confetti on you, and it's like you know the pricing makes no sense. It's perfect for them. Yeah, like $30,000 yes It's like you know I was was one of the objects the objects They were like pretty intense vacations and they will be like the sleeps like 18 people So I guess you could try to get people in on it, but just think it was vacations What else was it? It was like trips. There's a quail hunting trip or a dove hunting trip in South South Africa You could go shoot birds in South Africa. God bless the person who like Goes like psych figures out a vacation Like a package in a moment of someone going like alright Turks and Caicos got a nice little cabana on the beach

$50,000 Before you raise your hand You want to go to Turks and Kakes always right? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, say Gala energy, a lot of the dudes there, it struck me as guys

who are expecting blowjobs at any minute. Just like the face, they're sitting there like, they're making a face, they knew they were getting their dick sucked that night. Everyone's dressed up. Exactly. Your penis is gonna be in a mouth. It was a lot of pre-head energy, that was the one thing.

It was not good nor bad. I was just saying like, fuck man. Sexual energy. Very sexual. In the gala, everyone's laughing, drinking, spending money. I mean if you. The trophy wives and like prostitutes?

Yes, pretty much. And if you can get like, you know, if you get women in a dress, that is step one. Yeah. This is fancy. Yeah. That is kind of step one to possibly getting hit. It's Valentine's Day.

Bringing your wife makes sense. Bringing your girlfriend, but bringing the stuff people bring escorts to. When escorts are doing the actual job they say they're doing when you heard about escorts, it's like, well, you're paying me for my time. Whatever happens, it's like, we can go to dinners, and you're like, yeah.

I'd rather just give you a hand job. I used to drive them. And I'll tell you what, they weren't going to any galas. They were going in the front of a house I thought was abandoned to get fucked by a guy whose arm is always broke or has polio. You used to drive hookers? Oh, yeah.

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Were you like a, you were a wheel man. Wheel man, just but... Big Jay, get this motherfucker. Technically they're to protect them. Protecting them in the, like the strippers more, they were all like strippers and prostitutes for the most part. But the strippers was a scarier job because you have to go in

and make sure everything's kind of okay. Oh, you did the bachelor party guy who went in and counted the money? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The prostitutes were easy. You just drive up out front and they go in. And they'll be like, if all goes great, I'll be out.

It's supposed to be there for like an hour. They're like, I should be out in 15 minutes. And they usually would. But the one time I drove, someone outside of Pennsylvania, someone out, it was outside of Philly. I drove a girl one time and like we picked her. And like, this is also the thing you get to see,

like the, this is not, like this guy's definitely not gonna be happy. You know when you're driving someone out, I picked him up and I was like, unless this guy, there's no way this guy picked her. This is like before before internet was everything. So you were going on a Yellow Pages call or I guess the back of a photo of you weekly yourself.

You had the Ryan O in the car, you had the K-Bob and Rocksteady in the car. Do you guys ever get caught in sex traffic? I don't know, I didn't. If it were a bump in a bumper, that would be sex traffic. That would be sex traffic. Sex traffic. But we, I drove this girl I knew, she was like,

I'm like, this guy's not gonna like her. She was like, we drove this nice neighborhood and this girl was like gothed out. Like big, heavy set chick, real milky skin. It was just a look that I'm certain the guy who lives here was not going for. And she goes. Are you sure you weren't trying to hog being like,

this guy's not gonna be in here, you should actually just pull over. Yeah. Let me get you away from all this. Yeah, that's what I did when I was catering. You're gonna take one of the parms. You know what I mean? If I'm driving a hooker, I'm gonna go, come on.

I'm gonna kiss. One kiss. They're never gonna know. Give me a little smidge. Well the first girl I ever drove, well I'll go back to that in a second, but this girl, she went inside the, she went to the guy's house, and I'm just waiting in the car,

and then she comes back like three minutes later. And she goes, he said that I'm not what he was expecting, and blah, and he's sending me away, so I was like, I saw coming, and she goes, and now no matter what, the guy's gotta pay X amount for me, for the drive, whatever it was, like 25 bucks, that meant the world to me at the time, for sure. And so she was like, he's not, she goes, I was like,

oh, so he just gave you like the cancel money or whatever? And she was like, no, he wouldn't give me any money at all. And I was like, shit. I just gotta hedge the bets, you know, I'm like, what does this asshole look like? Cause you're waiting here like, hey, so I can go find him? But like, I'm, you know, I'm like, what does this asshole look like? Because you're waiting to hear like, hey, so I can go find him. But like, I'm really just asking. I'm like, is this worth 25 bucks to me to go knock on this guy's door?

And she was like, he's like this little like nerdy, whatever guy. So I was like, oh, good, good. So I go and knock on the door and I was like, and she kind of came with me, which I didn't think was a good idea. And he opens the door, you know, with kind of like I don't want trouble thing. And I was like, no, no, man, you just gotta like, you're supposed to give like 50 bucks,

I guess like 25 for each of us or something like that. And he was like, oh, well, I don't, he was basically being a dick. He was like, I don't have the money. And I'm like, why do you gotta give it? And then she just busts the door open and started like unhooking his VCR I'm taking something with me just look like that

Like I got her not to do that ultimately She was planning on walking out there was something and then having to drive a rejected hooker home is such a hilarious like Conversation yeah, like actually I probably went in there with a bad attitude cuz I didn't want to fuck him like sure Yes, sweetheart. You got it But I'm glad I didn't get his VCR. I'm fucking wanted dude The first girl I ever drove I Remember being like impressed by her Because she she was just pretty one. I feel like 12 and this is just your paper route

Like I was 18 I I was 18 I think. Damn. 18 or 19. I only did this for a very short amount of time. How'd you get this gig? My friend Ernie was dating a girl whose dad was just like, probably like weird connected shit or something like that.

And it was like they had a guy who like, just ran a strip, it was supposed to just be strippers ultimately. And like, oh yeah, you just go there and whatever. I found it very quick because the guy was like, all the other drivers for this company were like old men. I remember asking the guy one time, I'm like, how the fuck?

Yeah, it's like, am I the only, and I feel like I'm in danger a lot. And he was like, well, he goes, they have guns. Like, you don't have a gun? And I was like, no. And he was like, do you want one? And I was like, no. And he was like, do you want one? And I was like, no. And he's like, you sure?

I'm like, yeah, dude, cause I get too nervous. So I was like, I'm gonna pull out way too early cause I'll be nervous. It's always like 15 guys, you know what I mean? I've had him say things like, you're supposed to stop us. Do we do anything? And I'd be like, yeah, me and this guy are supposed to stop us. I'd be in a circle already pointing at everybody.

John Wick, both hands. Yeah, it was terrifying. Was it a bachelor party in the Poconos? No, I was always last. Same company as the one I did the dressing up at kids' parties for. That was the funniest. What?

Hold on, I know you've told this story a million times, but can you please tell us that story? Which? The dressing up and... There's a couple of them, the Elmo. Yeah, the Elmo's. The Elmo, yeah. Just let me get that story.

That was the first one they sent me to. The guy was like, hey, if you want to make more money, I also, during the day, the stripper company does kids parties where you dress up as the costumes. Same guy, you go to the same guy's house with his fucking koi pond and pick up the fucking bag. The trash bag, mind you, full of costume that was like not the licensed ones, I guess you'd say. They were like shitty costumes. Yeah, it was knockoff Elmo's.

So I was Elmo and they sent me, I was the last call for the stripper thing and this. Like, you know, we need somebody. Our main guys can't do it. So I always got the shittiest gigs, and they had me in like real like North Philly, like scary places to go. And I went as Elmo right away.

No one's happy to see me. They're like, why is a white guy with a garbage bag coming to our front door? And then they let me in and I was like, yeah, I'm doing the I'm doing here for the kids play on my they go are go change in the back it's sweltering hot it's like summertime I put on the Elmo costume and then I come out to start there and they I tell him like you know he was yelling me to do the hokey

pokey but I was giving her I gave her like a CD after like put in and she was like we ain't gonna play here just do the hokey skip yelling do the hokey pokey, but I was giving her, I gave her like a CD you have to put in, and she was like, we ain't got no play out here. Just do the hokey, she kept yelling do the hokey pokey. That'd be just a funny thing to be yelled at. And you know, I got a little screen, I'm like miss. It's sort of the closer, you know, like the hokey pokey with all the kids. And then, whatchamacallit, this little girl,

this little black girl, like, Barrettson, she was so cute, it was a moment where I was like, oh, this little girl, this little black girl, like, barretts, she was so cute, like it was a moment where I was like, oh, this is cool, like this gig, cause she did like the hug, she hugged my leg and loved you, Elmo. And then kids, like bad kids, you could tell, were coming in the block on bikes. And they came to the party, and while this girl was literally hugging my leg,

the kid was like, yeah, that ain't the real Elmo. And she like yes, it is and he's like he's like no it ain't and he starts looking through the grill You see Yeah, I'm going to come on kid, and he just lifts the sleeve up with a thing and scream he goes Elmo's white Dude, that's like being in a shrunk age. And the mom came over and she was yelling at the kid. She goes, no, this is Elmo, honey. This is Elmo. And the little girl's getting upset. And the kid is pointing at her.

And the mom's going, hey, kid, stop. And he goes, if that's the real Elmo, why is he wearing FUBU sneakers? Which I was. FUBU sneakers. And then the kid said, he goes, let's see if Elmo has nuts. And then I couldn't find him out of my little screen. And I was turning, and then he just launched me. And like no repercussions.

No nothing. Just. He socked you in the balls. I mean like, but no, but like the top of his foot hit like my ass crack He got in it You wouldn't expect the from behind that was truly a master It was like Hurt Locker sweat going on. Like Iron Man in his mask. You wouldn't expect the from behind nut kick.

That was truly a master. That was a young man. No, no, no, not from behind. It was from the front. You got to look at the front. Oh, you got your ass pulled. It was so in there. You're like, hey, Gudge.

Oh, yeah. Look at him. Um, I had that one. That is crazy, though, to leave, like, a, I'm presuming, a slightly fucked up household spy I'm rooting this shit. I have less scary stories from the stripper thing than Parties do the kids though one time I went Any owner of this company would say whatever to sell so we got some plumbers here. They're going wild the owner the

company say whatever to sell the house Get getting all your poops out. The the owner would do anything to sell the gig. Yeah, so I was just I was gonna be as Winnie the Pooh to a kids party North Philly and I get in there and then the guy goes as soon as I get there. The guy the guy goes as soon as I get in there. It's like he goes, you know as I get in there, he goes, yo, where's the presents and balloons?

And I was like, which I thought was even a weird thing that someone would ever believe that's gonna happen. I'm like, you wanna just bring random presents for your child? I don't even know if he's a boy or a girl or what. And he's like, well, I was told you'd bring presents and balloons. So I was like, well, I'm sorry.

I go, let me call the company. And I called the guy and the guy was like, yeah, I'm sorry. I go, let me call the company. And I called the guy and the guy was like, yeah, yeah, I just said, you're there already. Like, they're gonna. He was like, yeah, no, he told him that's a bullshit. And he goes, put him on the phone. And now, I didn't know this was the scam.

Put him on the phone, and now we'll take a couple bucks off. But you're already there. And I was like, oh my God, okay. So like. It's also crazy to be like, yeah, we don't need to get the presents, Winnie the Pooh is gonna come bring all the presents and decorations.

They said. I know. They really would, that would, yeah. Yeah, he said he's Winnie the Pooh's gonna bring presents, like, what? Damn. So, the guy was like, he gets him on the phone, he's like, all right, and I go into this house, and it was like the, do you remember the party

in Menace's Society where Kane beat the guy who was talking shit about Jada Pinkett? No It was like that party. Okay, it was Multiple dice games going on two babies in high chairs eating Cheerios the only children at this party and it's one of those kids birthday, so When I go in the guy was like I was like, where could I change? And he goes, go upstairs. Is it bad?

No, fuck it. He was like, go upstairs and change into better. So I went up to the bedroom and closed the door and it was fucking. Sorry, my plumbers, they're just drummers. Yeah, they're just fucking, they're doing some. Yeah. They're all right, they figured it out.

They're dukes, dude. Just sorting it out. Sorry to interrupt. No, it's all right. So you're up in the bedroom. I go up in this bedroom, I close the door and the guy's like he was like, the door, when you close it, it won't open. So now I have to wait for them to take the door off the hinges. And it was funny, the door, it literally fell.

It was like an old Philly, like shitty hell. It's this heavy ass door, they take off the hinges and it goes on, it hits the bed, the dust comes up, and I'm literally standing there holding it and I'm like, I'm gonna go get the door. And I'm like, I'm gonna go get the door. And he's like, I'm gonna go get the door. And I'm like, I'm gonna go get the door. And he's like, I'm funny, like the door, it literally felt, it was like an old Philly, like shitty hell. It's this heavy ass door, like they take off hinges and it goes on and it hits the bed,

like the dust comes up, and I'm literally standing there holding a Winnie the Pooh, like the right stuff, like I'm holding an astronaut's helmet. I'm like, let's go make history. So you wore a dressed as Pooh, just not with the head on yet. Yeah, no head on. And then I went downstairs and I gave the guy,

get the CD to put in for the hokey pokey songs or whatever and the guy goes, just dance to what's on, which I do recall was Dr. Dre's 2001 Chronic. Damn. So I just like hokey pokey danced to that for two kids in high chairs for like a half hour or so. And then it was, the guy was just doing their thing

and kinda not paying attention to me. And then I was like, I was like, ah man, he goes, kids are adorable. Like, thanks so much, you know, sorry about the miscommunication earlier. I go, I'm gonna go upstairs and change back into my clothes and get out of here. And he was like, nah man, just get out of my house.

I thought he was like being playable for us. I was like, yeah. I go, I know, because the thing before, he was like, man, I'm done, just get the fuck out. And I was like, well, I gotta go change. And he was like, man, I'm done. Just get the fuck out. And I was like, well, I gotta go change. And he was like, not here. And so then not thinking, I took the head off to be like, yo, man, come on.

Like not like, to start shit with him, just almost to plead like, buddy, come on, let me change. And then the kid started fucking screaming. They just saw Winnie the Pooh remove his skull. And then they physically pushed me out of the house and I ran to my mom's and I ran to my mom's Chavette and I drove a stick shift home with Winnie the Pooh hands on. Where's all your clothes are in the house?

I had the bag, they were in the bag and stuff but it's my trash bag of my clothes instead of Winnie the Pooh but that was a hilariously far more scary job. Yeah that's some fucking bullshit man. Because most of the time the strippers were just there was only one stripper I drove that was like Genuinely putting herself through med school like the actual story that you always hear Like she was really doing it which was made her not a good stripper Because that was what she was the girl that every time they were like this guy's touching my tit

I'm like you have it in his mouth. Yeah, you're she's like, go fight this guy, he's doing this. She's like, please, you have to let him touch your butt, I think. She could have been like, you have a bright future ahead of you, I don't want to ruin your medical school. But the first girl I ever drove in that, I don't remember, I think her real name, fake name or real name was Candice,

whatever it was, I drove her. She was really cute, and we went to a party, a bachelor party, and she was like, they're sawing now? Are they sawing pipes? Yeah, you wanna pause for a minute? Sure. Yeah. Sorry. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp.

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Until I got help from but better Until I got help from, better help, butter help. And we overcame that struggle because they were like, it was like a stern father, like oh, you wanna smoke cigarettes? Well how about you do 100 of them? Tell you don't like them anymore. Yeah, you wanna have sex with frogs all the time? Butter help said, how about you do 100 of them, tough guy.

Box him 100 frogs and you don't come out of that room until you creep by every one of those fuckers mouth It's important that you have a good support because there are times when you can't go to your family or friends. You can't tell your family about those frogs. You can't tell anyone about that. You gotta go to butter hill. You gotta get on a Zoom call and go, I wanna fuck frogs.

And they go, holy shit, we gotta help. I didn't trust the. They go holy shit. We got help Oh my god Yes, we already rift we riffed with our it helped us Therapy is great because I mean dude it just after I stopped my whole thing with those amphibians My social skills were much more positive I overcame those problems and I learned how to reach out I learned how to reach out for help in a safe space Mm-hmm So if you want to try if you want to give therapy a try and you're not sure where to begin check out

But I hope still can't still can't really go near any bodies of water You know really yeah because of the due to the Possibility of a frog if you know send me into a friend You know bro trust me when you're on the edge of a pond and you don't even see the frog But you hear it jump in the water. I I go I just want to fucking oh, yeah Catch it thing out. Hopefully I kiss it it turns into a prince Guys check out better help It's fully online so easy to get started and they have access to a wide range of credentialed

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That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash mssp. Yeah, and all jokes aside, BetterHelp's a great company. Yeah, dude, they do fucking rockssp. Yeah, and all jokes aside better helps a great company Yeah, dude, they do fucking rock with this. Yeah, they do rock. Thank you, butthole butthole Hey, we just got back from that fantastic ad read Yes, so that is the best underwear or something. Yeah, it was the best Underwear Probably isn't addictive No one's gonna think you're a loser this time

Dude I you guys I always associate Kratom with gas digital Yeah, you know and then I came down to all creating presents guest. You guys are like the Sacklers of creative but then I came down here in Austin and It was one of those like Huberman said it works type Yeah, I don't think he did but like that type of mindset cuz down here. That's what everyone is Cranes no, but like your mid-ads human like Zen is actually a neurotrophic dead. So it's good for you like that Okay, one no grammar. You can't just enjoy anything. It's got to be science Yeah, just go yeah, but uh, they like cradums it they were just great. I'm in nice bottles in the green room

What the fuck you guys doing? Have we put this under the Rogan scope yet? But uh they like cradems that they were just great them in nice bottles in the green room with this Fuck you guys doing have we put this under the Rogan scope. Yeah, no, it was under there. It's like Joe get your loop This is different I get cool Cratum like five-hour energy type things those are awesome Really only one Josh Eddemyer's got me to try was a little little, I think it's Ohms or something it's called, it's like this big, it's a drink. I mean, you shouldn't drink it all, it's this big. If you drink it all, you will, I believe like opiates,

get violently nauseous for five minutes or so, and then it's great. Really. Yeah. Oh nice. Well maybe I'll get an opiate. When that nausea goes away, awesome. It's a ride. nice. When that knowledge goes away, awesome. It's a ride.

Yeah. I wrote three full Nirvana albums. New music too, I just know it's theirs. Yeah, so before we left, you said you had you on the bus one of the prettiest. Oh the first girl I ever drove. Yeah. Very pretty, yeah.

And she was so pretty that I was like, you know, you think the self soothing of like What she's doing is actually great. Yeah, cuz we went to this party and I said I always remember the thing was she had a She's all right guys. We're gonna play a game. She controlled the room to which I thought that's hilarious We write back after another ad from heroin. After these words from that's crazy. Heroin timing is unbelievable. That was wild.

It was pin drop. It was it was quite. Yep. And we're back as you were saying. First trip ever. It's coming. It's coming. Sorry guys.

Got to do some light belt sanding. First trip ever joke Sorry guys go through some light belt sand Yeah, it's on me they hand up accountability I was told they'd be out of here. That's okay So yeah, the first guy ever drove Went to this place that she was controlling the room, which I thought was like again again, I just thought she was pretty, so I was just like, and I'm the person driving her. So you're like, am I falling in love with this girl? And she looks good, and then she starts doing this thing

that's so raunchy, but again, I liked her so much that I thought it was a brilliant business thing. I've talked about this where I'm like, smart move. This is called something in business, what she just did. What did she, what did she say? She would go, all right right guys we're playing this game five dollars ten dollars or twenty dollars and it was like for five dollars so she rolls it up like a coke straw whatever you give her and then she'll

put it like in her pussy basically but she keeps her fingers like at the base do you know what I mean and so it's like for five5 she puts it in a little bit for 10, a little bit more, and you take it out with your mouth out of her pussy. You're making the right face. If you were wondering if you were making the right face, you are.

Um. How's it going? He goes, okay. Well, here's a problem with any kind of story of a bachelor party. Your mindset there will tend to be different, I think. You know what I mean? When everyone's like, you're hearing it later,

you're like, ugh, money in a pussy and then money in my mouth? Like all those things are wrong. And then my mouth near money, near a hooker pussy? This is all bad. But everybody did the $20 because it would be the closest. But the funny thing, I was always like well It's crazy because no matter how much you put in there

You could fit it in your mouth, and you you're only getting as close as her fingers Yeah, but you're never actually getting closer to her pussy. Yeah, every guy did the 20 and I was like Genius well, it's funny to be like be let me do the five Yeah, it's crazy. I'll just take a fiveriver Let me just like get like let me feel the warmth of it Because let me get a five-hour smell test in there and what about three fives that be the movie I'm gonna do I'm gonna back to back three fives That is the move for you right for for $20 and fives you could go four times and get the same experience Can you inhale the air through the bill? I assume you could if you want to

and get the same experience. Can you inhale the air through the bill? I assume you could if you wanted to. Just scuba a little bit. Scuba. Yeah. Siphon. Just take one deep hit. Yeah.

If something comes through the straw, it's freaky. You're just like, oh no. Oh. What is that? Toilet paper drum. This is bad news. Sure, that'd be a bonus. But anyway, I thought she was an angel sent from heaven

to do that. I've never been at a bachelor party that was a Crazy we went we had one where there was I think I told you about it There was a lady who would just visibly must have just given birth not very long ago Oh my god, she had like that skin, and we were all calling her brain belly Dude you go get a lap dance from brain belly Yeah, they it was actually. It's not for all brain bellies, we go.

Well this girl on our drive home. Sometimes guys get it and they didn't even give it. When I was driving her home, she goes, we stopped at a 7-Eleven. I remember she goes in and she bought one of those like single individual roses for herself and I was like, I'm like what's that for? And she goes, it was just this sad like,

I always buy myself flowers at the end of a work night because I deserve it. And then I, now this must have been so creepy for her. I dropped her off at her house. Next day, next day, show up at her house with flowers and I go, you deserve someone else to give you flowers. And by the way, she could have been looking back more like, if my abusive boyfriend sees you here,

I'm gonna have to ship you that. She was like, thank you, thanks so much. And I'm like, and I just think that you should know. She's like, cool, thanks. Like I was like, bye. She shoved them on her pussy, she's like, see you later. Yeah. Yeah. I go, so if I could just. You should have brought a $5 bill. Yeah, yeah. Instead of flowers, you. She shoved him off her pussy, she's like, see you later. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I go, so if I could just. You should have brought a $5 bill. Instead of flowers, you should have brought a $5. Have one moment of your time with this $5 bill. So, skip ahead, I started doing comedy, or I was doing comedy already, but you know, that's like a job I would do kind of infrequently, but when I needed money, I would take it.

And so, you can just call in the Yellow Pages, any of those places at the time, and be like, hey, do you need a driver money I would take it and so different you can just call In the yellow pages any of those places time and be like, hey, do you need a driver? I've done it before they'll be like sure most of them will be like sure. Can you start tonight? So this guy I call some guy the phone was hey you looking for drivers I have experience but he goes Yeah, he goes the way he does it is you hang out at his house This guy's apartment and wait for jobs to come in well girls are come in. So I go to this guy's apartment not far from where my mom lives. It was just a couch, a TV and bodybuilding trophies everywhere. The guy was just like a totally huge jack guy, nice enough guy and he goes all right so you got a gig you're taking these two girls one's

this Asian girl one's my cousin. Okay, so the Asian girl shows up, she's nice enough. Then the cousin comes, it's the fucking girl. The first girl I ever drove is his cousin. She now, by the way, this girl who was so hot, we take her to this, or I take her to this party. She's brain belly. Everyone, not brain belly Everyone's like into this Asian girl. She's very pretty and then this girl

They're like you hear the guys making jokes about her and she was all like pale now and her asshole was brown dark That came off all guys They're being meaner and I'm almost what you're having that thing where I'm like, don't, no, you don't know what she's like. She's in a rough patch or something. Yeah, you have to defend her. Don't fucking talk to her.

No, but she did look pretty busted, and it was funny, that was my luck, because people ask if I ever fucked any of the strippers ever on that gig. We went back to the cousin's house, and it was just me and her waiting for another gig to come in, and that night she started digging her toes. toes like she was like laying on the couch

She's like digging her toes like under my thing kind of like and I was like I mean not here your cousin's house I was like dude. She has something now. Yeah, I never saw her ever again probably dead. Yeah that is that's the crazy thing with like Like only fans and all the stuff like it does I'm not like being puritanical about it But it doesn't seem to really work well for women psychologically like they fucking fresh hard. Yeah. Oh, yeah, you know porn stars I was so there's no we all thought that a Jenna Jameson was like the example of like Look, you could do it and kind of get mainstreamed and not like lose your Sense about you and then you know, they have the video of her in night vision

like breaking all the cameras in her house. You ever see her just climbing ladders? It's night vision, she looks like a raccoon just bucking all the cameras in the house. She went nuts. She was like a 90s porn star. Now it's like, I feel like the hard, hardcore stuff back then is expected now.

Oh yeah, for sure. You know what I mean? Hold on, I think they're doing a little swap. Was somebody back there. I Think he's breaking up what I mean. He's back there. I think the toilets just exploding What is it is there anyone in there See this yeah, go check it out. You got to go see the smoking toilet. I got to see the smoking toilet.

Break. It was smoking. Smoke looks good. Toilet back there. Toilet back there. Yeah, it was smoking big time. Oh, yeah. straight through the water. It's not great.

He goes, oh shit. I thought smoke was good. Oh shit. Smoky shit. This house, man. Smoked turds. There's been turds trapped in the walls since day one There's all those turds are everywhere that was I've never I've never heard a plumber once do that

No, he's never been no bachelor party. Whatever now never it was like Like college friends and stuff now. No never went to the crazy one. I've been to the craziest one was I think it was fucking parted with Louis? Zack. It was Zack's. That's pretty wild about you. That was a wild one. But me and O'Connor, that was the first time I really, I think, did Molly.

Oh yeah? And I just sat on a couch. Oh that wasn't Molly, that was actual ecstasy, it was great. Yeah, I was afraid of, I didn't talk to the women at all. And then I was on drugs watching Louis like, yeah bitch, come here. He wasn't calling him bitch but he was very. Show your butt hole.

This lady. He was comfortable with strippers. I'm not. No yeah Lewis through my bachelor party when I got married it was yeah it's pretty good he goes pretty hard with it but the two that I've been to, that I have any, I went to when my ex wife's friend was having a bachelor party, they invited me to, I don't know why they want to, I think they want to become, cause I'm a comedian. Like they'd come to shows already. So as in virtual unknown still, they were like,

the comedian guys coming and uh, they had a stripper there. It was gorgeous. Who was fucking? And I went in the bathroom with her, and I'm such a fucking fat schnook. Like I went there and talked to her for 45 minutes where I started hearing people outside the door going like, hey man, are you done in there? He goes, who brought this fat guy who's like here? Like no one knows who I was,

and I'm just hogging the stripper to chat with her. I go, yeah, I used to work in this business a little bit myself. Yeah, I tried to chat her up. She had no interest. She was almost like, hey, are we fucking in here or not? I was like, yeah, you got a bigger thing or whatever. You got enough on your plate.

You're trying to have industry talk. There was a guy. It's time to talk bits. There was a guy that used to come to my shows all the way. I became friendly with him, but I opened for Bobby Slayton a million years ago at the West Palm Improv, and afterwards all these people that came to see him and the host of the show who was like a local player, we like, they're like, oh, we gotta go to the strip club. We have to go to the strip club.

We went and this guy, Lorne, who I became friends with was one of the managers there. And he was like, you know, pick a girl or whatever It was just like free rein. He was always like that kind of like dude and a few years back Was when the comedy in in Miami, which is a small room in the motel basically Well, and he's like I'm coming and he goes I got a new couple years back goes. I got a new company to I'm bringing a couple of the girls. He's again. They went a party and I'm just like yeah, man Sure, yeah, so him and his buddy come to bring these two girls who are like super ghetto like Hispanic girls

both cute though and He was like hey you want to go because they want to go like smoke with you or something before the show Why don't you take him to like your room or whatever, which is a motel room right there. So I was like, uh, yeah. And I went in there, I smoked pot with him, talked to him for a while. And then I was like, but my thing is so like, like me and Lewis, where we have different opinion on this a lot of times, like Lewis has the why he says he could fuck a hooker is rooted in. He thinks he's like, this must be a nice change for you, huh? Like getting to fuck me instead of like what you think. I assume I'm the other end of that spectrum.

So I'm like, oh God, this girl's like, gonna have to wash me off later just being like, what am I, I gotta get my kids back from social services and get my shit together. So like, that's how. Yeah, that's fair, that's fair. Yeah, I would feel the same way. That's how I feel like, I feel like I'm there,

they're like, well, this is my job. I have to do and yeah clearly He told them they should like do something to fuck around with me because uh, you know, I'm hooking them up with tickets or whatever to this This little to the motel company club. Yeah. Yeah, so But in my mind i'm going like, you know what? Because they're both cute. I'm like I'm they're going you know what? They're both cute and I'm like, they're gonna come to the show. After the show they're probably gonna really wanna fuck me. Maybe it would be the best thing.

Or at least I can convince myself. Yeah, I agree. Now they're like, oh, I saw you do your thing. So yeah, now we kinda wanna do this. Yeah, let me see you do your thing now. After the show I'm talking to them, I think even a little before the show, they're both giving you, of course they're,

like you said, no one gets out of it unscathed. They're both giving, they're like, it's said no one gets out of it unscathed like they're both given they're like It's like my boyfriend hates that I do this man like if he beats the shit I mean one more time my dad's gonna kill him. It's just gonna talk like that and you're like, okay Two of them and the two guys my buddy Lauren his buddy and like I told you these chicks wanted to party do you killing time? Yeah, I mean really killing time. Yeah, and then the guy eventually goes like hey, man We're gonna get out of here pretty soon So, you know if you want to take the girls and hang out for a little bit like, you know

Now's the time and I remember just touching him on his arm and I went give him the night off, man Just give me the night off man, how'd they react to that where they're like, oh sweet No, they were almost puzzled like everyone. He was even like no man. They think the girls came like party and stuff I was like, I know but like Even that sentence is like they came in and they were like they know me and my stuff Like they came to party because you were like, hey you girls want to do coke tonight probably yeah free and drink Go fuck this guy. Yeah. I'm all right. You think he was gonna try to get you the bill,

he was gonna hit you with the bill too? He didn't have a tab or anything. Not even sort of. So he was just hooking you up. Absolutely, but I couldn't just. I'm with you, I would have done the exact same. I don't know, I get it. I get it completely, but I have to believe,

or at least be able to believe in some way, like you want to do this. Not like you will, I will fuck you. Yeah. I will say that. It must have been, I don't know if you did this that night, the fab sesh must have been decent though. Because there were two hookers in your room.

I feel like that'd be a nice fab sesh. Now I've hit the post strip club fab sesh where you're like, I could have. And then you go home and you're like, damn, this is, because you're horny. While you're jacking off, you're like, damn, this would have been so much clue with that fucking lady. Yeah. Then you come and you go, and you're like, damn this, cause you're horny. While you're jacking off, you're like, damn this would have been so much cooler with the fucking lady.

Then you come and you go, oh thank God. Exactly, the second you're done, you come and you're like, well fucking great. This part of your brain comes back online, it's like. Going on the road before I ever had a laptop for years, that wasn't really a thing that everybody had a laptop.

So on the road was a hilarious race. You either had that local newspaper, whatever that weird arts paper is that would have hooker ads. he had a laptop. So on the road was a hilarious race. You'd either find you either had that local newspaper, whatever that weird arts paper is, it would have hooker ads, the yellow pages, and the e-channels, girls going wild infomercial. And it was a race to like, can I just jerk off and not make a terrible mistake right now? And you have to remind yourself, you go, as soon as it's over you're gonna be like, I don't really have $200 to be throwing around my head or whatever, you know what I mean?

Like all of it is so bad, and as soon as you're done, you're like, perfect night, you really made the right decision there, big guy, thank you, girls going wild. I mean, there was no ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. We were probably hitting, we were all probably hitting the same commercial a couple times.

Big time. You know how when it's like, if you look at the moon, anytime on earth, if we stare at the moon at the same time, it's like those girls go wild. We're somewhere out there. I was catching a stern, if you had like a lady, make it a girl. We were probably catching at the same time.

You see stern, you'd be like, fuck dude, fuck dude. I'm not trying to jerk the stern. Fuck out of here, stern. Get out of here, stern. You look like a witch. He does look like a witch. He does. He looks like a bruhah.

He is a bruhah, dude. Howard Stern. He's a juha. He is a juha. He like a witch. He does. He looks like a bruhah. He is a bruhah, dude. Howard Stern. He's a juha. He is a juha. He's a bitch. BedMGM, authorized gaming partner of the NBA, has your back all season long. From tip-off to the final buzzer, you're always taken care of with a sportsbook born in Vegas. That's a feeling you can only get with BedMGM. And no matter your team, your favorite player, or your style,

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Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you have any questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connix Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario Yeah, that's the best getting like I mean squiggle vision was the fucking ultimate. I wish yeah I was on the road with my dad with fucking horny dad with spice channel

Yeah, yeah Spice show and then I got a at one point at One of my first roommates in New York Worked for the cable company. So we had unlocked spice and Playboy channel and like those are really like that was still the air like everything was on DVD or you had to download. So it was like you did it but it was like so not good to Playboy channel. Yeah. So like the fact that they made any kind of what you would describe as vanilla pornography

in the world is still strange to me that it exists. Like softcore you're saying or just? Playboy Channel was just naked women. But yeah, they weren't even doing anything. It was just naked women. It was just the naked women stuff, but I mean like, just all of it's gotten so like, like the fact that anyone can go back and be like,

what do we read like, do Maxim Magazine has the 50 hottest bikini babes pictorial. Who gives a shit? Yeah. It's like there's a girl that's pretty taking a dump in a sink on the internet. Yeah. Yeah. And that really evens things out.

And I can eat it if I join her. I can get a vial of it sent to my house. I'm gonna suck that vial down. I'm interviewing in a few weeks I believe, or we got Farrah Abraham, and I told the person who's sending her to us, so that's the team. I do some research. That's MTV's teen mom.

Oh. And then she started doing like porn. She did a couple porn videos, like pro porn videos, then she started doing like cam stuff, but then, LaMare, you're familiar with this, then she took a video of herself for somebody taking a dump that is I don't know where this dump was inside her tiny body. She smoked out a toilet. She smoked one out. She's not so she shits right on the floor but like an animal but I mean it is a shit I've watched so many times because it's fascinating.

It's like a cork pops like one little shit comes out and then two straight feet of connected shit. And then you have this on your phone. Yeah, somewhere. Because I'd like to take a look at this. No. So she's segwayed teen moms into her only fans. I mean, she's probably still dropping chocolate babies. But now, but now she's a she's teen moms into her only fans. I mean she's probably 30s but now But now she's uh, she dropped a magnum opus

She's doing stand-up comedy what obviously, uh, so her first time stand-up comedy is gonna be at a strip club in new york So she's coming on the bonfire to promote it. And I told the person I was like first thing i'm asking about is this dump I go, I don't know. I know there's no audio on it, so I have to assume as soon as it was fun, it finished coming out, did you go, whew? I can't wait to see this dump. Whew! It's pretty good.

The cork pop ain't so underrated. Just a cork pop. I might be a cork pop, but I'm like, yo, just cut it after the cork pops. You don't need to see. I never caught the poop, but I've seen their other work. Damn dude, just a rogue lady, just five, she probably like five cappuccinos a day. Five whipped cream Starbucks a day.

Just brewing the two footer. Just brewing the two footer. She should have held it up like a fisherman at the end. Yeah, you wash the python. Actually, two feet, you might have to take a picture. You might have to like a hunter. Yeah, you gotta sit over it with the antlers. This might be a job for ready. Imagine being the guy, get all that bang for your buck. Being like, I didn't think it was gonna be this amazing.

I thought it was gonna be like a pathetic girl turd. Turns out. That OF guy must have. Oh, he guy must've. I get jealous of those guys who can like just have that aspect of your life where you're just constantly scheming on like filming a girl date. That would add such a charge to like your whole life.

It's tough to get porn here. Governor Abbott's locking down the turd porn. I know dude. Oh no. Turd porn should be the most legal of all. I don't have a VPN for turd porn. It should be equal with child porn to me. If you're watching turd porn, you should be in fucking prison.

Getting beat up by other guys in there. They're like, you're the turd porn guy? You should be in PC. My thing is it's not even sexual. I'm taking a dump. I'd be like, governor, you're the turd-born guy? You should be in PC. My thing is, it's not even sexual. I'm taking a dump. I'd be like, Governor, you're the one getting horny. Governor, you're on it. I just wanted to make sure this lady was healthy

and taking a proper dump. This is the last, this is Jeffer Bing. Bing will have it. Yeah, I mean, this is, so she, was it like a private video that got leaked? No, no, no, this is for somebody who paid her to do it. That's what I'm saying. But like it was on the public page or like,

how did this vid get out? I guess you can't keep it to yourself. You tell 12 people who basically told the world. It's true. Show 12 of your butt. I mean that video would nothing would spread faster than that though. That's why it spreads.

You got it Sean? I'd like to see it. I had a bunch of other ones. I wanna find it for you. When I was, What'd you got, Grayden? I just had a bunch of scat pornography. He might be a shit porn guy.

That's the number one shit porn. He's got the voice of a shit. He's kind of smelled it delting us right now. He's like, I got it right here on my phone. I don't like this stuff. It's in the file I have here. No, I don't like this. It's in my homework file.

That's not true. One of us has to be one scooby-doo-boop guy in this room. Did you get it? I got it for you. It's just black ladies pooping. Were they droppin'? Oh They dropping

Hang on No This is an impression harder. Hotter than I... Yeah, yeah. Oh. Yeah. Is she talking to me? Yeah. No, dude, no.

Now, you'll see. No, no. All right, here we go. Now, the first one's not impressive. It looks like this... No. Now, the first one's just gonna pop out. That's the cork. Oh. this, no. Now the first one's just gonna pop out. That's the cork.

Oh. Now, here. No, dude, no. One foot, two feet. That's like three and a half. And then the. So if you guys have any questions you want me to ask. Yeah, they injected, they injected that think that's a good you'd like to think that that was a legit dump

Shane you've had a problem always appreciating others talents Yeah, I mean the court is the craziest detail Yeah, that might be the real deal. The first thing that breaks out, yeah, and then. Do you think there might, here's my question I like to ask her, is there some sort of prep? If you know you got a big, like you know, Gardini hit you up, you know you have the big dump.

Hey yo. Big dump they had you? I have to assume. What's the regimen, do you like hit a bunch of fibers? It seems like she was stacking them for sure inside of herself because that's, I mean. Those three dumps. It was, I mean when she was done the fact she just like they show the longer one like she turns around It's kind of like did you like that? I was like, how are you know, like taking a little CS day after that?

That's one like when you're done. You got to go Wow That must have been in there for a while. Yeah, she just passed that like nothing She was again, I tell you shit a big fucking two-coiler God bless her heart. Yeah Yeah, she just passed out like nothing. She was like, yeah, I'll tell you shit. A big fucking two-coiler. God bless her heart. Yeah, it's gotta be. Did you put it on your to-do notes? Oh yeah. They'd probably go super fiber.

Super food watch spirit. Probably super, it's like fiber powder probably for two days, knowing they have the big video coming out. Definitely the most famous person to ever make a shit video. Blippi, remember Blippi did that? The Harlem Shake video? Yeah, that's the only one. Blippi remember Blippi did that the Harlem Shake video Blippi the guy who's the kids entertainer before he became a child entertainer made it remember that Harlem Shake dance everyone would do

like bum bum bum bum bum He took a video where he was sitting on the toilet was him on those framers on toilet He just shit all over his friend Off and everyone was just like whatever whatever, my kid likes this show. Did you guys ever watch the old... Allegedly. The old, what's it called, Chuck Berry? The old Chuck Berry videos? Chuck Berry farts one of the funniest.

Yeah, he goes, give me that fart. I love the lady's face, she's like... Yeah, yeah, he goes, ooh, get that fart. Sure had bops back out of it. Whoa, there it is, it's real. She's like yeah, yeah You like that Even back then there was no like, I mean, there was a newspaper, but you didn't think anything would ever get out. Like if you farted in a hooker's face, there'd be a part of your head being like, this is going to be on BuzzFeed.

You were just like, this is going to make its way. Back then, it was just like, he must have. He filmed it. Yeah. I don't want to. Again, this is speculation. Huge chance that was like a 13 year old girl huge chance You could part was it no you could see it. Okay. There's a video Yeah hookers, so I got you pretty gnarly looking hookers. Yeah They're hitting for I was just venturing to like back then you could really that those dudes did like everything

Yeah, like let's upload a little Take that back on Howard Stern a few years back one of the like the famous groupies Like from like BBB. Well or one of them like came in To talk and kind of do like a tell-all book and like just so casually the way she goes Oh, yeah, like I don't know if she lost her virginity, but she was like when she was 15 She basically got gang banged by the Allman Brothers like backstage But the difference that she just going like oh it was great Like she's telling the story like that it's no legs like no one cares the Allman Brothers, bro. Yeah, that's crazy

The Allman Eskimo brothers Bold the Allman Brothers Now we're talking that's just a joke for you Now we're talking that's just a joke for you and me. No that's not for the pot. I thought you were pointing to bowling. I'm pointing to that jar of almonds. Oh that's so fucking funny. The Almond Brothers. Come on now.

Damn you think the Almond Brothers were like laying pipe like that? I don't... You think they were laying pipe? I mean they're 15 year olds. It's the 70s. Yeah. Back then when did you used to be able to get your driver's license? I don't know. I don't think they even did it back then. Shame on you, Allman Brothers.

I just think it was also tough. Yeah, true, allegedly. Shame on your alleged behavior. But I think there's also something to like, like I said, these things were like, people were like, it wasn't like they were like seeking a 15 year old girl. It seemed like 15 year old girls were trying to get backstage. I think it was a time where people accepted

like where you fell over just like the overall laws. It's like, yeah, if you're some kind of scraggly, rotten homes kid, like you're probably gonna be out there fucking at like 14, 15 years old, you know what I mean? Or like, you know, I'm sure there was also there's 15 year old girls who would be like, do what, go where? Huge chance to do, the brothers don't even remember it.

They're probably sitting somewhere and I came on and they're like, huh? Yeah, that'd be a tough one. Yeah, feeling that one. Yeah, and Jimmy Page right here, the other one, he's the famous one, like a child bride. Yep. They were partying, bro.

Rock stars, were they rock stars stars were the pedophiles. Yeah, hard to say. It's an intense party, though. Alleged child pussy must be great. Allegedly, allegedly. Let's see. Allegedly. Talking about a 50 years later. Yeah, it's fine. Yeah. Stood the test of time. Kid. I'm talking about a 50 years later, yeah.

Yeah, it's fine. Stood the test of time, kid pussy. Yeah, you know what was right back in the day. Our whole government seemed to disarray about it. The Epstein stuff went off. Society's collapsing over the weight of kid pussy. Kid dick and balls. Kid balls.

The Epstein thing, they were like, how many people they interview all the one, they never. You know, when they got the Olympic doctor guy, right? He was like fingering all the girls. When they got him, like every victim showed up, it was like 300 victims showed up to be like, you did this, you fucked me over. Epstein, where they were pulling those girls from,

there is a bulk of those chicks that were just like, yeah, it was a good way to make 400 bucks. You know, watch an old man whack off. It's the Uncle Eddie thing. Remember when Uncle Eddie in Philly, like when he got arrested, like people were like, oh man, damn! That's what we, if we went to the mall,

we would just go take a dump at a fucking Ed's house and show him our wiener and he'd give us 50 bucks. Yeah, he was such a legend. When I was growing up, it was like fuck. Nobody was happy when he got put away. They were like, fuck dude, my fucking, that was my mall money. That was when I was little,

but there's a guy, he carries around a pizza box and if you give him your underwear, he'll give you 50 bucks and he'll put them in the pizza box. How old are you? I'm 39. Yeah, so I'm 47. I mean, that? I'm 39. Yeah, I'm 47. I mean, that thing went around. These guys are legends.

He's total fucking legends. These guys are legends. They're the Holman brothers and you're the kid. You're going, I had a good fucking time. I genuinely had the thought when they just described, when I was a kid, be careful, that school would say, there's a guy, he's asking kids for their dirty underwear. They use underwear.

And I genuinely remember having a thing and I'm like, where is this motherfucker? Like I will give him my, I wasn't putting it together that it was any kind of a gay thing or something like that. I'm like, I guess he's just a fucking freaky weirdo. And I was like, yeah dude, I go. It does sound like a mythical. Yeah dude.

I wouldn't even throw out, like I said, if I had skid marked underwear when I was a kid, he'd be like, nice. I'm gonna save these for a school day. In case he catches me walking home. I was just playing he'd be like nice. Yeah, I'm gonna say these for a school day But those guys would call Howard Stern with those Philly accents were so great Okay, whenever because my boy took a fucking dump on his chest was crazy Not showing my ding-a-ling we get added my dad had it my dad had a nice little creep legendary pervert Yeah, legendary pervert that would give you crumpets if you showed him your dick

Butterscotch butterscotch nice. Yeah whole package. Oh, it was out in the woods So that was big you somewhere in the world that tasty cakes were being used for evil Yeah, how do you get that cake to stay so according to Phil he never did it But how's it shelf stable in that moist? His one boy would go for it all the time and then split the crumpets with my dad Phil was pimping out his boy. He was pimpin. That's awesome Yeah, I feel like that was always the kid that would sell candy in school was the same kid who also run it I got a couple orange in the fire. I'm doing a little candy thing a little resell BJ's Costco candy thing.

I'm running boy ass to some local peds, local pedos. Kid dick to a weirdo. For cupcakes. What exactly did you have to do? I think you're just showing me dick. You have a good pedophile sting house, Shane. Yeah, right here? This is a great pedophile sting house.

We were just watching To Catch a Predator. I know that's one of your all-time favorites. It's so good. Yeah, I've been on three or four pedophiles things. Pretty wild. How are they? Yeah, I didn't take part, I was, well I took minimal part. When my last special came out, the guys,

dads against predators, those are the ones now who just beat the guys up completely. Shove them in like the cupcakes at Walmart. Yeah, but I went with them. And like I went to hang out with them and it was funny when they had the guy cornered in the grocery store He was cornered and they were like yelling. I'm giving a bunch of shit in the grocery. Yeah, when I walked by I I was Instagram live-ing. Oh, no, I was Instagram live-ing when I walked by to be like I Was going like hey, I'm watching like these guys. Yeah, do the pedophile hunt as I'm walking by

I was going like, hey, I'm watching these guys do their pedophile hunt. As I'm walking by, those guys, the fuck would they, which is also funny, when you do the pedophile hunts, there is something, the idea though, it's like they take it seriously, but also not that seriously. They make jokes like themselves about it. So the guy, when they're walking by,

they look at me and the guy goes, he says to the pedophile, he goes, you fucking know who Big Jay O'Kresson is? And the guy was like, no. And I just go, aw. You hear my voice just go, aw a views of you and at the end of it they take him out to a field and they make him stand in a trash can call his mother and tell her he's a pedophile and then go big J. Okerson's dog belly available whatever. Holy shit dude.

I went to a Stinghouse one where the girl lures the guys over. That was pretty wild. That was at the Sting House. Jay, this is insane. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's wild. The Sting House one, first guy comes over, we hide in a bedroom. We're hiding in a bed with the camera guy. Shh, shh, shh.

It's gotta be so exciting, dude. And you hear through a window, it's like, sound a little bit nervous here. Yeah, it's got a yes And you hear like through a window. It's like like so nervous here. Yes Pedophiles in the house like a real-life pedophile. Yeah, it's gotta be crazy. They might have a gun. It's real I don't even think about that, but that has happened. It's real. It's definitely a dangerous thing for sure, but the so the the first guy comes in and But the, so the first guy comes in and like very quick, like she's talking to him for like five minutes. And then by the way, I don't know why everyone I do these with, they always do this to a pedophile.

She had in the background, purposely my special playing. And when the guy comes in he goes, this is big Jay Okerson, he's like, you know he is? And he was like, no. And I think someone said fat at one point about I was like I'm squatting down in the back room like dude yeah I guess what I know you and Dylan with me I'm like dick what's about to happen to you I'm fat you You just hear in the background, come on dude.

You're like, what's that? I thought no one else was here. As soon as we went out, or the camera guy went out, that guy was like, whoop, and he ran off. Hauled ass immediately as soon as he got on camera. Second guy came and they had a whole thing with him. Whoop. Yeah, yeah, really.

That's the ski daddle, That's the ultimate ski daddle. Whoop. Whoop, wrong house. Whoop. So that guy. But the YouTube channels have a lot of views. Second guy hung in there for a while and talked to them. But that night, I was in Indianapolis,

that night she came to the Pedophile Hunter girl, Courtney Elizabeth, she came to the show and her partner said that that day when they posted the thing they have moderators who live in Indianapolis even though she lives in Wisconsin their moderators live in Indianapolis and she was like when they put the video up the two moderators her brother and sister and they both go the guy who just ran out right away they go said nothing after the camera came in he goes goes, oh, and ran off.

They go, that's my cousin. And then the other moderator goes, that's my cousin, their brother and sister, that's my cousin. And they started realizing, like in that two seconds, dude, they like fucking ripped their whole family apart. The guy that left immediately. Became the hunted, true.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. How wild is that? Like the moderator's cousin happened to be one of the people they caught You ever see that's the Chris Hanson one when he guy he rides the train with walks in do you ever see that? He's like, what are you doing here, man? What are you doing here? He's so upset with him. Why are you here? I see you every day on the train and then I went with the guy the big guy from Houston, Texas

Alex something the big beard you've probably seen him. Yeah, I know that guy. I went with him before and we didn't get anybody, but that's where I saw the danger of how it could go, because Walmart parking lot, we pulled up next to the guy, the guy wasn't out of his car yet, and the guy fucking threw, I mean 70 miles an hour in a Walmart parking lot, hit a speed bump, I mean his car like rattled

He got on the highway and like they were like we're not chasing them on the highway like that's too dangerous at that point but I thought what the most interesting thing so far about it was that of all the things I've with the pedophile hunters was that because I'm like that guy was so he didn't know if we were there to kick his ass. He didn't know if we were related to the thing. He didn't know if we were cops. He didn't know what everything. The instinct that guy had at all,

I was like if that car would've, if the doors and car would've fallen apart around him when he hit that speed bump, he would've just continued running onto the highway. He was just like, I was like, wow, I've never seen somebody really run for their life. That was like a genuine, like this guy thought his life was over if he doesn't get away from this.

He was giving it everything he had, which is pretty interesting. Yeah, you're gonna get shot by a pedophile. Right, so I don't do them anymore. Yeah, you shouldn't. You're literally gonna get shot by a pedophile, which sucks, that's such a shitty way to die. Die to the hand of a pedophile?

Shot by a pedophile in a Buffalo Wild Wings parking lot. It's just bleeding out in front of a fucking target. The Dads Against Predators guys, the guy's been shot twice now. What? And he keeps going and they're the ones that are aggressive. Like they can't wait to like punch the guy in the face. I just saw one that was very funny.

The guy like walks down the aisle and he's like, all right, I knew this was coming, hey. He's like, I know what you're up to. I know what I'm up to, let me talk. He tried to be, he's, oh, there's some great. He tried to be, he was very, he was slow, he was mentally, he couldn't do it. Law and order, as for you, last week just did a finally an episode on that, like the,

you're doing a pedophile sting, and you catch a guy who came there to like watch cartoons and hug because he has like Down syndrome, and it's like prosecuting him the same way. And that is the thing, it's like, most of the pedophile hunts, like that's what you you're getting you're getting a person who would have showed up if you've said the kid was boy girl Yeah, years old or 85 years old. They can't believe anyone's responding to him wants to hang out

So they do it is a sad thing to see when they catch those people and they got a big fat guy on one of those Pods all that I think I've may have showed to you said the mom sounds like Beezer the moms died The mom of the pedophile. But they just, right in front of the mom, they make him put on like a 7X shirt that says I lick ass. Because it's something he said to the girl. This fat guy named Jamie. And he just stands there while the guy reads the things in front of his mother.

And the mother's just such a weird old twat. And she's like, every time he goes, and then it says I wanna suck your little pussy until you come and howl for the moon. And she's like, Jamie! What? Well that's bullshit. You don't even know how to do that. It's so funny.

Howling for the moon is crazy. I don't know why, she reminds me of like, it's not that it sounds like him, it's just just like it looks like it would be Beezer's mom Yeah, yeah, Jamie. Oh God And then they're like, can you not make this a big deal because the bitch who runs this apartment complex wants us out already And it's grounds for dismissal damn it Jamie and she's like and by the way the whole thing when they're giving his crime that They committed it's so funny when like the mother caretakers are always like well, then that's it. You're giving me your phone young man

Grounded yeah, you're giving me your phone like it's a little bigger than that But hey, and I show I think I showed you the the midget guy before who they catch four times were eventually. Yes eventually midget file eventually the cops Eventually the cops in the fourth video get mad at the guy who's stinging him and goes like he goes like they're like Hey leave this guy alone He shows up every time because he can't believe for again and he's so dumb the first time they showed up at his house By the way, all those things are like you, he's already saying I love you. He's like a retarded midget guy.

And he's saying I love you a bunch to this fake girl. And then they ask him, he goes, the fake girl's like, what are we doing today? He goes, just playing basketball. And he writes, she goes, oh yeah, are you really tall? He's like, you know, he's like 4'11". I could dunk though. And she's like, she goes, really? He's like, yeah, it's like 411. I could dunk though And she's like she goes really he's like yeah, it's pretty easy for he's tall guy. Holds me up. Yeah

He's a retarded guy and every time the cops show up. He's like Yeah, and he runs around crazy and then the neighbor will always come over and be like just can you leave like I'd say I kind of look after him a little bit like yeah, this is not a real problem You're you're having it and having a special needs and then little person over and over again, and the guy was so retarded When he leaves he runs around like the little guys in halo He does He never quite gets it. As soon as they leave the first time, the same night,

they just to see if they can, they just message him back and they go, they go, sorry about that. That was my uncle. That was my uncle. He gets really pissed off. And he was like, that was weird. And then she was like, yeah, but it's OK. He's going back to. I think she's going back to England tomorrow. And it's clear there's an American guy. It's OK. He's going back to you about the England tomorrow. It's clearly just an American guy It's okay. He's going back to England tomorrow. He goes Okay, well, I mean I still love you like am I gonna get to see you and then they just do it again

The fourth time they catch him at a car dealership He goes are you a and he go they go hey Jason and he doesn't recognize him still he's retarded He goes he goes. Oh, hey, and he goes. Hey goes. What are you here for? He goes. Let's get a car He goes do you would you like to get a 13 year old car and he goes what he goes Are you here for a 13 year old he goes? No running for his life I mean, that's the one where the cops show up and they go yo stop what are you doing like leave this guy alone any pussy kid or

otherwise yeah it's entrapment leave the man alone really fuck they should they should have a clause like they should amend the law and make if you are you know in ourrated midge, they should just go, that's up to the parents' discretion. I mean, it's really... I think it's high school, sweetheart. You should be allowed to... It's my prom date.

No! No! Get him out of here! Just bust him at prom ten times. Dude, taking the prom picture and we got him. No! Now we're just fucking with you. Get out there and dance again. They could make a remake of... Remember Carey? Yeah, yeah, he lost the doors. He could make a remake. It's the new Carey.

It's his revenge. Yeah, he goes, luckily, at Midgeon's telekinesis. Yeah, he's luckily a midgetist telekinesis. Yeah, he's, they're all, I mean there was the famous one, there's the Chris Hansen was the guy started eating pizza. Yeah, just watch that one. He's one of the best ones ever. He goes, you want a slice? No, it's cool.

He's scarfing that. He doesn't even care. He's changed his name and moved. That's what he did. That must have been the craziest acid reflux, just getting like, getting caught as a pedophile and crushing like half his eye And that was the it was the grease cup pepperoni too He was folding them too he was folding them

I've never seen someone grub that like grub like it was while getting in trouble. He hit a fucking hard grub set It's cuz he thought it was gonna make him look more natural He did, he really did. He goes, hmm. He goes, I guess I'm a pervert. Yeah, yeah. And they're like, did you say this? And he goes, hmm. When he's showing, he's like, you got the text?

He's like, oh shit, you have the transcripts. Oh, fuck. There's also those great compilations of Chris Hansen doing like the, I may have told you before like the I Like his first line when he tries to play what they say is always the best the guys like It's like where you at then the girl be like I'm upstairs I'll be down in a second. He's like I can't wait to kiss you like would you like kiss me?

Yeah, clear there's a cloth in the hallway Would you like that he goes don't mind that that's video village back there Then we've talked about before but when they get Indian guys Yeah, just a gulf Warner. That's just like What's the problem? They should be like my parents are anxious. I would die my back my parents set this up That wasn't me. Yeah I would die if my parents set this up, that wasn't me. Yeah. An Indian guy is the one. He's been arranged.

Yeah. An Indian guy is the one who got naked right away when he came in. Like fully naked and just started walking around. That was an Indian guy. And then the other one was the kid who got caught twice in like the back to back days and the second time they pull up on him.

Back to back days. They go, what are you doing man? He goes, oops. Getting caught back to back days. Like going over and going, all right, back to back days. Like going back to the drawing board. There's no way I get caught. Now we know what to look for. So it's funny, and I know they're trying to get more

of like a police involved thing. Catch a Predator was like an official with police they're working with. And there's I guess another one called Underage Undercover on like Discovery or something, but Max had it. It was dated two seasons of it. And what's funny about that is going on the ones that I've gone on, how fast they'd be like, all right, well, it's 315.

He said he was coming at three. This guy's flake and he's not answering anymore. And, you know, with that Stinghouse, he were like, all right. Well, it's nice to meet you guys. We're going to take off. And they go, no, no, no. Hang on to. I mean, I'm not kidding. Go on. Hey, my parents are gone. Could you come over? God, can you be here in 15 minutes?

I'll be right over. I mean, to catch a person willing to fuck a 13, 14 year old. Yeah, that's wild. So they will. Like there's there's no like loss of like getting them at all. But this but again, I don't know how much outside of like court of public opinion and ruining your personal life doesn't really end up in a lot of like arrests and stuff. But it's like with to get the arrest what they

have to do. That's why I found it so funny that they can just go, hey, I'm 14 and I have a vagina who wants to fuck and like people will start coming. The underage undercover they over do it. So it's like a whole house they've rented and each rooms like decorated to a different girl character and they have the things with fake braces so like you see him like working through each other like she's like okay so I'm supposed to watch a masturbate at like four o'clock today so like so they'll go put on the pig tails and little girl things and sit in the in style and then holding like another girl's hand off camera who's going like sorry you're doing so good, and she's like it's great

Then you just hear the guy like It's almost my point is that like I don't think you have to get this Yes, they go okay by the way, after like four masturbation sessions and talking on the phone every day to them and going through all this thing, they'll be like, okay, we think we know what state he lives in. Like they're trying to like,

it's like each season's like to get like one little piece of information about a guy. It's like, how come every other person can just go, yeah, what are you doing? Hey, look in the fuck, I'm 12. And someone goes, oh, fuck a 12 year old, I don't care. I'll come over okay you're going to jail it's like non-stop things like it's like the South Park episode he's like I'm going undercover as a process wow daddy that sure was a lot of come damn they're recording them dirt and just sit

through it and be like damn right and Right, and the girl off camera, the girl off camera's like holding her hand, going like, you're being so strong right now. You're being, and then it's like, by the way, also whenever a guy goes, starts jerking off, you're pretending you're a kid, you could be like, so my parents are calling, I'm so sorry, I have to go. They just go, they let him finish, and they're like, I like it.

Like, there's no reason to get, if a guy keeps going back. For what they're doing, you got him. I'm just texting sexual if I'm the pedophile I'm going back to that house and I'm good by the fourth time. It's like no. I knew she was 20. Yeah. Yeah, this is a show If you catch one of the people you know is that show I thought we were just in a little role play. Yeah, obviously she's 20. Yeah, here's her IMDB He goes, I thought we were just doing a little role play. Yeah, I was fucking around. Obviously, she's 20.

Yeah, here's her IMDB. Yeah. She's an excellent one, too. I was a big fan. Just give Chris Hansen a big kiss. Be like, this is all for you. Yeah, I came here to meet you. I was trying to work my way up.

That's a good move. We keep going to kids' houses and be like, where's Chris Hansen? I'm just trying to meet Chris Hansen. That's what you do. You walk in and be like, all right, I know I was fucking around. Where's Chris?

Is he here? Yeah. That way he comes out. I'm like, oh, I knew you were here. Yeah, we're giving you guys some. Any pedophiles out there. We're giving you some nice hacks So we should we should do a million dollars with a game for pedophiles guys who knew guys in the 90s came this is Spotify allegedly

Every the 90s though people would find like their thing and then just kind of stick with that like Mari povich to show what used to Be like you were my school bully look at me now and this and that now like their thing and then just kind of stick with that. Like Mari Povich's show used to be like you were my school bully, look at me now, and this and that. Now I'm a girl. And it was like, yeah. I'm a hot lady. Yeah, really.

Look at me now, what do you think? By the way, that was the best one. You're still fucking gay. Yeah, and those boys would go, especially with a girl, it's like she was a fat girl in school, it goes now she's like a bikini model, it's like look what I've got. Remember how mean you were to me?

And it's like seems to have affected you and you really made some positive life changes. You're welcome. Yeah. Like this really, now can we get this over with? And kiss. You still wanna fuck me clearly

if you had me flown here. But Mario Povac figured out the paternity test for the whole thing. Jerry Springer realized cheating in fights for the whole thing. And Chris Hansen, Chris Hansen was just like, Dateline NBC, here's a story about a small town murderer or corruption in politics.

And then it was like, nope, he's the pedophile guy. He's the guy. And now he gets to curse. He loves it. The ones online, the true blue ones, he loves it because he gets to read, now he gets to really read the, what you say here, you wanted to suck her ass. It's a...

Yeah, he goes, yeah, but I mean, sucking ass. That means, I mean, like, you know, like a couple minutes. I think it was a later season, he hit one guy, he was like, BBC, that's a bareback cream pie. And I was like, damn Chris, damn dude. The smoothest one he ever did was the guy who was washing his hands for the girl. Like, the little wigger dude was like washing his hands hands and then Chris Hansen just walks up next to him and starts ripping off

slices of paper towels to hand them and the guy he's washing his hands he looks over and They takes the paper towel. He's like, thank you. And he just has nothing. It's not really goes. Oh, thanks He really makes it look he goes he goes here for the young pussy, too. Oh I didn't realize this was a party. That's happened a couple times on Catch a Predator, when the people come out and they go, oh, I thought it was just me and her, like she's in the two dudes.

Oh my God. Oh, I call pussy dude. Catching two and making them fight for the survival. Winner leaves, loser goes to jail. These are things good ideas. You still catch the guy that we're just going to see. Yeah, you're both going to jail. Wow. Wow. Jay, when's your special coming out?

Special is coming out February 20th. So Thursday. When is this? Oh, yeah. Is it out already? This should be out tomorrow or Wednesday. Yeah, yeah. Should be out on Tuesday. Actually, we could wait a week if you want. It's up to you guys, whatever your schedule is.

Whatever's up to you. Double crowd work album, Them, They, first half Them coming out February 20th and then a month later. Hell yeah. I think we're premiering the second part at a Moon Tower. Where'd you film it? Denver Comedy Works.

Oh, nice. That's great. Yeah, that's gonna be awesome. Any rumors going forward? Yeah, I hope so, man. Yeah, that's gonna be awesome any room where it's going forward Yeah, I hope so man. I don't watch anything or edit anything so One way to do it. Yeah, I turn it over to other people. Yeah, I go. Hey you guys well I always figure to him like well you guys will know what you're laughing at. Yeah, like me I'm gonna go all my look at I go. Yeah, that was pretty funny. But like why am I built like that?

Those are the questions I always ask. I am selfishly like, let's just get rid of that entire camera, that angle, because I look like a blimp. Let's just do head on from above, the entire special. Can we get a single camera shot and never the side? They were, one of them, on my first ever, the hour special live at Webster Hall I did, I didn't put any input into that.

And I mean, they had a camera that, the job of the camera was to shoot me low from diagonal behind and swing around to the front of me. To really give you my entire way too long a cross profile. Perfect. It's like, oh you know what, shoulder to shoulder, this guy doesn't look that bad. And then you start turning around and goes, Oh, my God. Oh, there's

too much happening in the front. Yeah, it's a disaster. It's a crazy I chose to sit like a dummy. And I never think I know every time I go I go and remember when you sit, especially on like a taping, like back straight, like sit on a stool, but like have like your back straight. And then it's like, how many seconds later before you just like a taping, like back straight, like sit on the stool but like have like your back straight and then it's like how many seconds later before you're just like, so is this you girlfriend? Yeah, I think about it the whole time I'm on stage because I slouch like crazy.

Yeah, and I'm just and then if they watch you make the shoulders back moved like someone's been talking to him. Yeah, he's just hitting your piece. I do it the whole show because it's been talking to them. Yeah. Just take your piece. I do it the whole show because it's now I'm doing the round. So it's like half the audience, the whole audience is seeing my hunched over back and the weird thing I do with my hand behind my back, which I never thought anyone was going to see. The whole time I'm going like this, but like it's really fucked up.

It sounds like I'm being conversational, but you can tell I'm obviously internally like, fuck, fuck. I'm gonna turn you down. I just feel like that behind me. I had somebody DM me, like, were you doing hand signals? I wanted to know what the hand signals meant. I was like, no, it's just. Dude, I've done a couple of these arenas with you now,

and so they've all been great. And I sit on a stool, which maybe I have to consider not doing. It's just more, I like it, it's been good. I think it's fine. And it's worked well at the time, it's worked well with all of them, but the last one we did was Seattle, I think I was with you. That was the only time I was like,

I just chose a side and went with it. And then towards the end, like the last five or six minutes of it, every time there was a down moment, in my own speaking, you go, guys, you know what's crazier? Turn around! Like a guy. But I mean, it was just like.

And then there's a thing. It was a swivel chair. But then you're like, I'm not doing it for him. I just don't wanna do it for the one guy. Turn around! Yeah, you lose all control. If you're like, yes sir, and you spun around. Yeah, you're like, get a sw like yes, sir, just spun around yeah

They're all aware I can hear each individual comment change your pants sucks Many people so someone's gonna be like fuck you yeah turning around to be like, what did you say sitting back down? Yeah, that would hurt. I was talking to the first Okay, I thought so you just dad in the back of the car is like knock it off, excuse me Shut up back there. Okay. I was uh last night I was talking to the are you garbage guys about it and that was like They were talking about a thing. They don't like doing and I was like, yeah, I mean I thought I was I was like I'm done with Trump. I'm gonna stop doing Trump first show I did one minute in a guy was like do drop right now. I was like, alright, I guess I'm doing

my fucking career Yeah, they yell out you can hear them. Are you sick of doing it Trump? No, I I love doing it Yeah, the material on keeps coming. Yeah. yeah, I gotta, well this will be out hopefully by the time SNL gets announced. So I'm gonna host SNL and in my head, it's like, I don't know what to say for my monologue. Like I'm already like, oh shit, because they tell you you're hosting pretty quick.

You have like two weeks. Really? Like, oh fuck, what am I gonna say? And I was like, fuck I fucking Trump will say something He'll say something. Yeah that week is gonna work on with us fucking make fun of that. He's gonna do something next week Do you have to walk a line or like not making fun of him too much? Yeah, cuz I don't like doing that. I think that sucks. Well, it's just also obvious this I think it when comedians go out there and just Every single comedian on earth is like, fuck Trump.

But not even like that, but I mean, do you think he sees like, No, he doesn't. I don't know, but I'm saying, does he see it as like an homage? Do you know what I'm saying? It's all how people take it. Some people say you're making fun of him

just by doing the impression, other people are like, you're doing a great impression of him. So it's such a funny thing. You're like, what do you think he thinks? That's a good question. Yeah, I wonder if he saw it, if his initial reaction would be like.

I guarantee he would not like it. He wouldn't like it? Yeah. Well, he might get amused like a Roman senator would. Yeah. Hmm. Yeah, maybe, I don't know, I don't know. I've never seen him react to anyone

doing an impression of him. That's true. I don't think anyone responds really well to that. We saw somebody does any impression. Why? I didn't know that. You're like the first time when we had Everlast on Bonfire a couple years back. Bert Kruscher was in the studio with us.

It was me and Dan still on the show and I was like, oh, you know, it'll be really funny. I go, when Everlast gets here, let's go around the room and everybody do your impression of what's the girls they was like, so the guy pregnant from a guy. And then when Burke came in, he was like, I did, I wouldn't do that. I was like, why? He goes, just musicians take themselves really seriously. Like he won't think it's funny. He's gonna be weird about it. And like, and he was almost gonna be Bert was giving me like a read the room thing. He's like, so like, just I wouldn't do it's funny, he's gonna be weird about it. And he was almost giving me, Burt was giving me like a read the room thing.

He's like, so like, just, I wouldn't do it. And got me in my own head where I was like, yeah, I'm not, I won't even bring it up. And then when Everlast came in after talking for a little bit, he was very cool. And I was like, hey, we have a guitar, man, here, if you wanna play a song or anything. And Burt goes, oh, oh, if you play a song,

I swear to God, I'll get butt naked right now. And I was like, yeah, brilliant. I'm like, Bert, you told me to read the room on that. He doesn't hear an impression himself. But you think one of the brilliant one of the top Mount Rushmore of wiggers wants his payment for doing something he already doesn't want to do to be a man gets naked in the room. You read the room, Bert. He's like, Oh, I'll get naked if you do. Hey, Bert he's like oh I'll get naked if you do hey dude great news I'll get naked if you do something you're probably cool with the nudity of men right that's so hey you grew up in a culture that's pretty like gay shit that's such a funny move I'll get totally naked but the fact

that he had the sense, it's the outward. He knew, he's like, yeah, that would not be a good thing. He needs somebody to go, Burt, I don't think Everlast wants to see you naked. As a reward, punishment, or otherwise. Just the idea that it's a good girl saying, I'll show your tit. And I know exactly how Burt said it, too.

They're like, oh, oh, oh! Yeah, yeah. Like, hey, here, here's a deal. If, I'll show your tit. I know exactly how Burt said it, dude. Like they're like, oh, oh, oh. Yeah, yeah. But hey, here, here's a deal. Yeah. If you do the thing we're asking, I will do something that no one's asked for. Yeah. Yeah.

I love that though. Get naked for Everlast is so funny. For Everlast, yeah. Oh man. What happened? Did he get naked? No, and Everlast didn't play a song. I mean, I didn't even pursue the question

of if I should play a song more because when Bert made that offer, I was like, now I don't have to go, hey, we'd still like you to play a song. I promise that won't happen. It was more like, well, Everlast, thanks for hanging out and being here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh man. That's so funny. I gotta show you that episode of Tires. What? Your episode. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I should have it. We can watch it here in a second hell yeah you want to wrap it up let's do it goodbye everybody thanks for having us yeah