Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 569 - A Derosa Garden (feat. Joe Derosa)

Episode Date: July 24, 2025

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod WATCH Joe's New Special 'I Never Promised you a Rose Garden' on YOUTUBE NOW! Go See Joe Live @ https://www.joederosa.com/ Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Go See Lemaire Lee Live @ https://lemairelee.fun/ hello. Good mornin - we're back. Two this week. nbd. We got the DAWG .. the VH .. Joseph Derosies on this week to promote his new special 'I Never Promised you a Rose Garden' . Check it out now on his YouTube. Please enjoy. God Bless. Get 20% off first order at vuori.com/secret. Exclusions apply Get DUDE Wipes at Amazon and retailers nationwide. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

The Wild Wild West. Two hours, we're doing two. Whatever you wanna do. Yeah, just know the pace. Oh, I like that, man. I like that approach. Can you guys not release this till October? Can you, I'm joking.

Oh, I was gonna say, I thought it was special. Yeah, I'm totally, yeah. Also, I was waiting to share it for this episode. Thank you. I was in a tomb on Monday. Dude, trust me, when you didn't hit me back, I was like you just In the tomb I

We start because that's disgusting the tomb I was just in is the tomb was Sacrifices I was in I've risen. I'm Lazarus right now. This is the third day. I'm actually what's the tomb? Like are you is the tomb the bed or the couch the tomb is I just played there's a new game called ready or not and I played it for two days that's awesome I played the entire I played the entire I played every mission meanwhile it's so long psychologically what's the thought is it thought process all it's usually it's a hundred percent on the mission which is alright so that's one it might be a bad way to deal with stress Because I'm just focused on that and then you go. Oh shit. I forgot about all the problems

You know, I mean, you know, I'm not trying to work out any problems. We got a fucking clear this room fellas breach breach But then while you respawn you have 15 seconds You get killed you get killed on some bullshit way. Then you go, yeah, fucking bullshit game. Fucking this game sucks. Oh shit, I forgot my life sucked. Fuck. Fuck, the game's awesome. I suck.

Is it a war game? Yeah, it's just you're a SWAT team. Oh, that's awesome. You're going to love it. And the video games are back, dude. These guys made a wild ass game. Oh man, I want to get that. You're breaking into like child porn fucking facilities. You're breaking, dude. These guys made a wild ass game. Oh man, I wanna get that. You're breaking into like child porn fucking facilities.

You're breaking, yeah. Wow. Yeah, yeah, it's really a dark fucked up game. I'm getting that today. Yeah, well, get ready to enter the tomb. How good does it feel to clear the child porn sanctuary? Feels good. Yeah, that's nice.

Feels really good. Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah. So there's a blast. I was about to say blast everyone in there. Yep. You go. What's up? Fuck. Are you guys doing? That's totally fair If you're like a industrial shot, what is it? Yeah, you clear out like a school shooting. Can you run away? You can hide for a while Fucking hey, this game sounds fucking awesome. It sounds like every dude's fantasy is wrapped up in one.

It's like obviously stopping a school shooting. Obviously wearing SWAT gear. Just that alone. Everyone wants to wear SWAT tactical gear. Although ever since I saw the picture of Big Chungus at the protest during BLM, I realized I could never rock the SWAT gear. What?

Too big to wear SWAT gear. How so? When you're a big guy in SWaq here. It looks fucking hilarious. Have you ever seen a big fat guy in swaq here? Never thought about it. I'll show you big chongus. I feel like you would look like a juggernaut. There's also, there is that.

Yeah, there is that. I could wear the hurt locker and fucking, and just be juggernaut. But juggernaut sucks. You get shot fucking 9 million times. You play games, man? No, I can't't have it man. I won't stop playing it. It's like a complete time suck I can't full family too. So yeah, yeah, I'd imagine there's not a ton of but wait, do you play with the kids though? Not yet. It's getting there though. Yeah, there could be some aerial cart with a five-year-old soon

Yeah He can't be the big jungus. He didn't have the right gear. His gear is too small. Getting too fat for your tactical gear would be tough. Because then it's literally life or death. You have viscera exposed. Yeah, that looks like when they brought back Boba Fett, but he was fat now. And they did it to adjust the costume. It was like up here.

Some Australian dude's just been drinking for 10 years and they're like, you want to do the role again? He's like, yeah, fuck it. Yeah. Man White on this call, fuck. His helmet's like a Yamaha on his head. I didn't know Boba Fett was an Australian man. Or he might be from... Because if that's be from because he lives actually on New Zealand. I think he's New Zealand Okay. Yeah that guy that he was that movie when we were kings Which I feel like is I always think I've heard of that movie As I was saying it I was like I feel like Shane doesn't movie Shane would love but I'm basing that only on the title When we were

The movie takes place in a bus stop in West Philadelphia I think it's about like I think it's kind of like Slumdog millionaire except the New Zealand or one of those kind of movies. Okay, I think or's kind of like Slumdog Millionaire except in New Zealand or one of those kind of movies. Okay. I think or like City of God, maybe it's like that. City of God's awesome. I've never seen either movie, I heard they're both great. City of God's awesome. Yeah, I'm a great title.

I like subtitles better than the Irishman. I'm a big subtitle movie guy, I like that. Let's talk movies. What? Let's talk movies we've never seen. Let's talk movies. City of God. City of God rules, you'd like that. Let's talk movies. What? Let's talk movies we've never seen. Let's talk movies. City of God. City of God rules, you'd like it.

Wait, I wanna look up when we were, I'm gonna look it up at one point. What, when we were kings is actually- What would be the best movie analysis ever? I don't know what it's about. It's like two movies I've never seen before. I think it's a guy from New Zealand. I just saw one of the shittiest movies

I've ever fucking seen. What? Opus. The new John Malkovich movie. Never seen it. Alright, let me just shoot the premise at you. Yeah. And you'll immediately know we're off to a bad start. John Malkovich plays a once famous R&B pop singer.

What? How does he do that? Who disappears he was like big in the 80s and then he disappears and comes back 30 years later and for his opus he's putting out another album after 30 years of absence. That always works. Yeah and it's John Malkovich. Damn it'd be nice if it was like late Kel's, like yo pussy is a buffet, I love yo pussy. I thought they were gonna make him like a, you know, like a fucking Pink Floyd-y dude when I heard the premise. And I'm like, oh no, he's like a dance singer?

Like a fucking like, like, like, it's so, but then they, so all these people get invited to his big compound to listen to the record and everybody starts dying and it's Get Out. It's like the 57th time they've remade Get Out since fucking Get Out came out. It sucks dick. It is a terrible fucking movie.

Who's the villain? Who's the? He is. He is. You're describing a pretty sick fucking movie. You'd think. You'd think it fucking sucks dude. It also sounds like an event that me and my squad

should probably breach and tie up the civilians, make sure everybody's taken care of. You could have stopped it. I could have stopped it. You could have stopped the onslaught. There's gonna be some people, this game's a hit, dude. Yeah, it seems awesome. There's gonna be some people breaching some houses.

You think so? I think so. Because it does, it gives you that yeah desire. Yeah, your ex-wife's got a new boyfriend That would be for your boys you go. I stack the door. Yeah They should be doing school drop off my fucking shock on the lock frag it 745. They haven't left yet They should be doing drop off right now I think they fuck I don't think I'm making this up. Didn't they use Forza to actually train race drivers? Didn't they actually play fucking Forza as like a simulation

before they got on the actual road? I'm not sure. Probably. Grant or yeah. Oh, Grant Turismo. That's what it was. Yeah, that makes sense. It's insane, though, that games are getting like. I actually think what you're saying is I think like these games actually could be like tactical training before you're in the field. Uh, you know, yeah, Nate's all I would have failed.

It was a fucking civilian came running around the corner. I was like, Oh, everybody saw that scared the shit out of it. They do scary. How do you distinguish? I mean, there's a, oh, the worst one. There's like a, for real, there's like a pulse nightclub.

What? And the thing that they did in the game that always fucked me up from the actual shooting that people described it was, everyone's phone's going off. That was dead. Like when the cops went in to clear it out, you could just hear every phone in the building buzzing,

which is so sad. Yeah, I didn't think about that. And they kept that in the game, that's in the game. It's like a fucked up game. Yeah, man. Holy shit. That used to be, that used to get a lot of backlash. Remember, there was a modern warfare where you had to take down the airport shooter?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was like, people were like, this is fucked up, this is too far, and then other people were like, no fucked up. This is too far and then other people were like no This is important Important if you just sit there and do that for hours and hours and hours I do feel like if the real thing happened you might on some level be more prepared Well, that's exactly the problem because in this mission you are the shooters Oh, no.

First half, you walk around with a machine gun in a fucking airport. You're an airport shooter? Yes. It's a tough one. And the mission is... Wait, I didn't remember that part. The first part, you were the shooter? No, you're not.

You're literally just going through killing every civilian. Oh my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's really bad. I forgot about that. That might be too far. It's nuts. Yeah, it's really bad Yeah, that's not good. That's why that's why call duty hit the old switcheroo zombies like I'm a purple woman sliding. Yeah

I see it they hit the peak. They're like we made the top of the mountain Although in Grand Theft Auto you're essentially doing that anyway, but thought oh, there's rumors that there is a pride parade in the city Fellas don't The game Oh Single person that downloads the game Go straight I feel I do feel like no way no way they go What would happen? To be fair. It's time the hookers and GTA get a break Yeah, true the hookers are me watching be like, thank fucking finally finally we can relax

Yeah, true. The hookers are me watching be like, thank fucking finally, finally we can relax. They're next. What are the once you get five stars from the fucking parade, you had it straight to the fucking strip club. They're really doing that. I forgot. So funny. Yeah, they're doing that. That's I wonder if they'll make it off limits.

I think they're going to reel this game back. It'll get hacked. That game gets hacked too. I think they're gonna reel this one back. I was friends with this guy Laszlo that was one of the top developed guys. He was the guy that put us all into the games and shit. And he laughed. I forgot you weren't Grand Theft Auto. Yeah, five.

That's fucking awesome. It's wild. That is awesome. Faces in it. I did a mocap. It was insane. Damn, that mocap's a nightmare. It would suck. How much did you feel like it? You must have looked nuts in a mocap, it was insane. Damn, that mocap's a nightmare. It would suck. How much did you feel like,

you must've looked nuts in a mocap. Yeah. By the way, it was old school mocap. It wasn't this fucking Harrison Fortier where they put blue dots on your face. Like, I had a helmet on with a good camera on my face. It was crazy. You had to wear like a frog suit, like Green Man.

What was your role? What did you play? There's, when you go into the safe house or the safe house or whatever it's called. There's a TV and there's shows you can watch and there's a show with the whoever the action star is in that series that's like the Stallone type. Yeah. It's a reality show about him and I play his new agent and I'm like this coke head and it's me and him. We

did like, we shot like 30 minutes. We shot a full episode of this thing. Whoa. And it's in the game. And then we went back and did additional content later that never got released that I just had to sign crazy NDAs about. I'm not allowed to talk about it. Whoa, that's awesome. But anyway, it was awesome. It was fucking- He just fucks you in the secret. This episode is brought to you by Viori. So there's a lot of sports out there. Obviously you've got basketball, baseball, and football. But then there's running, tennis, MMA, climbing, yoga, pickleball.

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But that guy, this guy, Laszlo was like he was he put Burr and Bobby Kell, everybody in. But they had stand up in was it four or five? Yeah, I think Burr, no no Gervais is doing stand up. I think Cat Williams. Yeah, Cat Williams. Go watch stand up and it actually has a comedian in it. That's pretty crazy.

Yeah, but he's- Maybe you can bring your gun in there and you can shoot Cat Williams. Bro, stand up special GTA animated. That'd be awesome. A special where you're just in a mocap suit. You perform live in a mocap suit and they recreate it in GTA five.

And people can just like shoot They did that don't what really that's what I'm saying. That's fucking sick. It literally did that. That's all you can walk in There's a comedy club. This Ricky Gervais. That's awesome. Yeah Yeah, it was it was nuts when we did it cuz it was it was like early days of that not early, but you know early Yeah, you should do that now again. Yeah, and just put it out as a game. Yeah, like this is my special You'd shoot me. It's live. Yeah, nobody hears that one as a game. Yeah, like this is my special you'd shoot me to live Nobody hears that one nobody is the first joke ever They had this fucking We were in this green room and they had all these plastic like structures and like they'd be like that's your car

So like open the door and sit in it whatever and you would do it then they'd be like, okay Come over here and look at this. It was rendering in real time Whoa, so you'd walk over and and it didn't look like it did in the game, but it was like you getting into a fucking car in a video game immediately. It was crazy. It was fucking crazy. Dude, this is like 2009.

This was a while ago. Really? But anyway, yeah, the game made $5 billion. I got paid three grand. I remember Colin Laszlo and going, I want a copy of Max Payne three. And he goes, you fucking comics, man, always looking for free shit. I go, your game just made a billion dollars. You pay me three grand. Send me fucking Max Payne three right now. And he's like, all right, that's fair, dude.

OK, I'll send you one. Yeah. Yeah. We'll send you one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you put it that way? But I think it's, the point I'm ultimately getting at is I have a feeling with his absence, I feel like they're gonna reel back in this one. I just don't think, it's like Eminem saying, look man, time's changed, nobody wants this anymore,

I'm just not doing it anymore. I feel like they're gonna pull back. Ready or not, it's kinda proven, everyone wants it. Yeah, well, that's a good point. Yeah. That's a good point. It should be like in Mortal Kombat, you would've put in, then you have to put in a setting for like, you should have settings.

If you wanna play kind of like, you know, reeled back GTA, you can just hit a setting. If you wanna go nuts, it should just be, you get to be Hunter Biden. Yeah, thereeled back GTA, you can just hit a setting, if you wanna go nuts, should just be, you get to be Hunter Biden. Yeah, there was the blood, the blood code. Hunter Biden's rockin' right now. He's rockin' right now. That fired me up, dude.

He might be, dude, he might put his hat on. He's literally the O'Connor man. He is, did you hear the way he was speaking? I've had that conversation with O'Connor 10 million times. I saw the clip. He's like, that motherfucker wants to fuckin' talk shit. I'm like, damn, this is the O'Connor 10 million times. I saw the clip. He was like, that motherfucker wants to fucking talk shit. I'm like, damn, this is the O'Connor man. I just fought him at La La's for fucking 10 hours

with this exact conversation. O'Connor dude is a psycho. You're a fucking idiot. O'Connor is a fucking psycho. He's the best. I've seen him get angrier than, and I'm an angry dude, O'Connor gets hot, man. O'Connor, yeah, and I know exactly how to do it.

And it's so funny. Dude, you're Batman, dude. Remember Batman in the Justice League comics? He had a way to kill every member of the Justice League just in case it went sideways. That's Shane with every one of his friends. I know exactly how to piss you off, dude. And I'm gonna do it right sideways. That's Shane with every one of his friends. I know exactly how to piss you off, dude. And I'm gonna do it right now. No, only the O'Connor man. The O'Connor man is just the...

I don't ever do that really to you guys. You do get the O'Connor, you get the O'Connor man. It's really funny. He also, he knows too though, he'll feel it. You'll start hitting the buttons and he'll go, I'm not doing this with you. And then eventually... You can't, you can't. He always is like, I'm not doing that right now. And then you go, yeah you are. This is a classic O'Connor Rube, right?

When he starts getting high he goes like this, Dude, what the fuck are you talking about? You've reached his wall. Yeah, you've climbed his wall. Since four years? Yeah, you've climbed his wall at that point. And you're fully inside the Citadel. Yeah, yeah. Dude, we were arguing about-

He took the Trojan horse. He fell asleep. You're cutting everybody's heads off. It's over. Shane and I were arguing about Prince. I was pro Prince. Shane was anti Prince. It was our argument.

Go, Connor jumped in. O'Connor got so hot. O'Connor lost his fucking mind. But, hold on, hold on. That was, you wanna talk about great drunks? This was one of the all-time drunks. This was coming back from London, back to the United States,

and we had a private room. We were flying, it wasn't private. It It was a private jet, but they have this thing They're cheap as fuck. Yeah, everybody should be doing there's like a VIP thing at big airports Mm-hmm for like a thousand dollars Yeah, where they just that you have your own security of your own thing and then they just put you in a room with free alcohol and Then they're like guys the flight got delayed by two hours and everyone in the room was just like Drank vodka for three hours and argued about Prince for three straight hours

Come in was my staunchest ally. Oh common.aman went nuts. Oh, he went nuts anti-prince. He was like, play one fucking song. Play one fucking song. Shane was being like, appreciate your support, Chris. You gotta back it up. You're going crazy right now. They should have reached out to air traffic control, like we gotta get this plane up, but this is a disaster.

We have a disaster on the ground. I think they let me smoke in the fucking room. Yeah, we were smoking in the room. I didn't know this existed. Yeah, either did I. I did it once. This is the second time I've done it. I did it once at JFK,

and it was the biggest waste of money of all time. Really? Just a woman met me at baggage. Yeah. And walked me through, and then took me to an airport lounge, and they were like, and then she left, and then they were like, you can't come in here.

I was like, oh shit. That sucks. That sucks. The closest I got to the airport. I think it was just a regular lounge. Did you ever do someone in a wheelchair at the airport? That's fucking VIP status. My wife was super pregnant, she got the wheelchair

and you just go through like a weird corridor. It's awesome. That would be a flex, dude. If you got hit at the regular airport, hit the chair. I should start hitting the chair. Blanket blanket over my fucking head. You know, like a blackjack dealer, poker player, visor. Just get pushed to the airport.

It's the fucking mood. Just black. Start screaming about prints from a wheelchair. Just get the Stephen Hawking set up for when you're blacked out. Just blank like you want another, do you want some more peanuts? Just go, start blinking. Tony, you should get toed.

Just get an application, be like, all right, I'll have one more beer. Just walking up. Get toed by the cart. Have the guy, have the Egyptian guy scream, get out of the way. You just get toed behind the chair. That would be nice. Or squat up, just have like six or four. Five or six. You just get towed behind the chair.

That would be nice. Or squat up. Just have like six or four. Five or six. Get biker vest. Hit the bucket. Hit the Mario Kart. Yeah. You just ain't turn the JFK into Toadstern bike.

Isn't that insane? Isn't that insane, though, that somebody could get so fat they could just get VIP treatment? It's crazy. It's crazy. It's insane. It's crazy, dude. It's like ancient times. Someone was super fat back in the day.

Yeah, I think if people found just vague records of our civilization, they'd be like, they worshiped fat people. Yeah. They did everything for the fat. Dude, when I was reading about the Aztecs, there was one of the guys that Cortez linked up with he was like a rival Against Montezuma he was a fat king and he had servants literally hold his belly up for him

So he would come talking that you know we got to fuck up Montezuma And he had two guys the whole time just yeah holding his belly while they talked I was like that's to be like doing YKWD Five dudes just yes, Bobby Fucking punk You can get in there, there'll be five dudes just, yes Bobby, yes. Like dude, you're a fucking punk. It's crazy. Yes Bobby, get him. Shut the fuck up dude. Don't fucking talk to me like that dude.

I listen to the regs, you ever listen to the regs? Yeah, it's funny. The regs is great. It's great. Yeah, it's funny. The regs clips come up for me. It is so funny. It's great. It's great. Yeah, it's funny. The regs clips come up for me. It's so funny. It's the best.

Wait, wait, speaking of dudes, it'll throw down the drama. Soty's another one. Soty will get fired up. Soty will get hit. They were playing couch football. No, I told this story a thousand times. I think Danny might hate it. I'm sorry.

No, it's okay. I love you, dude. It's funny though. We all love that. He spaz. I've never seen a heart ever. Obviously, I've seen you hit some hearts. I'm a heart. I'm a heart. I'm's okay. I love you, dude Yes, I've never seen a harder Obviously obviously I've seen you hit some hard video games best you you hit

You hit more girl. It's girl's best Steps yeah You guys are wasting all your time anyway, dude. Fuck this. Running up the stairs to an air mattress. You guys are the fucking losers. Going upstairs. I was doing my waste of time. I literally played all day by myself. Like, I want to be chained in a video game. Got my ass handed to me.

It was like, you guys are fucking losers wasting time with this shit and ran up the stairs. I get so mad. I get so mad at video games. Just dick down on an air mattress. I fucking hate these guys. I get, oh, dude. I play by myself and scream at the TV. Dude.

I was playing Last of Us and I couldn't figure out how to get through this play. I was trying to get a ladder down to climb out of this room and it wouldn't let me take the ladder down. There's nothing worse. And then you walk over to it and it's like, press A. You're like, how the fuck did I miss that?

It wasn't letting me. And those zombies kept attacking me, and I was dying instantly. And I was literally alone in my house, and I was going, well, it's fucking stupid if one fucking bike kills you! What's the fucking point? And, dude, my neighbors must have been like,

what the fuck is going on in there? I Lose my shit, dude, I used to bite the the cable bite the cable bites intense my friend my friend used to cable whip his little brother with the PS That's a he would pull out of the s2 controller go. That's a cable whips a scary. Whip is crazy I'm sorry. I'll still get like when we Those Oklahoma kids were playing me in UFC if If it's a big game, the heart rate goes up. Oh, dude. Like that time you and me were playing,

that might have been the most stressful video game of all time. That was. Just playing UFC in front of, I don't know. Hunks. Hunks. It was like Zac Efron. Zac Efron, Robert Pattinson, and Christian McCaffrey.

It was literally a dream three. It's hilarious. It's fucking great. And Matt pulled the ups, I choked under pressure. He's beaten me like four times ever. That was one of them. I just choked. You could have went to the ground.

That was honorable. It was too good of a fight, dude. Every kick that landed, people in the room were like, Oh! He didn't get me. Oh, dude, that's fucking, did you ever have somebody, like I've had friends like literally punch me. Probably, if I had ever, probably there's been fights.

Well we were younger, but it's like when we were 16 in Street Fighter II on Super Nintendo was huge, whatever. Yeah, I remember I was playing with my friend Kevin, and if you beat him, he would literally punch you. And he would go, I could beat the fucking shit out of you real quick. Big Jay's one that's a scary one. Really?

He doesn't get violent, but it changes the day. If you beat him in a game, it changes the rest of the day. Like, sad? Yeah, he'll get you though. He'll start getting you. He'll go, what the fuck are you being mean to me for? Oh yeah, I forgot I beat you in Xbox last week. I'm also, I'm a sore winner too.

I'm better with it now. When I was younger, I was always bad at video games. You are a sore winner. So when I win, I would do a thing where I would like just sit there, I grab what I have, I have a drink next to me and just go. And just do shit like that. And like to sit there I grab what I have a drink next to me and just go And just shit like that dude for real stop doing that like this is water is I'm thirsty I'm just drinking maybe you're upset and then start being like yeah, you know

It's just what I do I kind of go low and you kind of go high to me It's just shut the fuck up, dude The I I never I think the only time I've ever beaten you in a video game was when we played Mortal Kombat. Every other game we've ever played each other against you've beaten me. You guys are out doing activities. MK is the Achilles heel for sure. I'm working on it. You've got better than MK. No. Bring it dude. Bring it. I'm fucking swinging swords with Conan right now. It's coming. Bring it. I'm fucking swinging swords with Conan right now. It's coming.

Oh yeah, you downloaded the fucking game and started playing it. Yeah, fuck. You actually said to me, this is... That's bullshit. This was an insane thing to say to me. No, that's bullshit. I downloaded the game and you go,

no, I downloaded the game and you go, don't get good at it because I'm not gonna play it. And I'm like, oh, I can't have fun because you're not gonna play it. No, no, no oh, I can't have fun because you're not gonna play it. No, no, no. This is crazy. This is game stealing. This is almost worse than friend stealing.

Coming over, going, oh, New Mortal Kombat's good because we were playing it together and having a nice time because we were just as good. Go home and download it and practice. No, I wanna play it, it's fun. That's game stealing, that's coward shit. That game sucks, the game sucks by yourself. No it doesn't, dude.

You have not played with Conan, man. It's fucking righteous, dude. It's righteous. When you win a match, he goes like this and they recreate the poster from Conan the Barbarian. It's fucking awesome. Yeah, but how many times do you get to see that? I've seen it told seven dozen. It never gets old. No, it never gets old, dude. recreate the poster from cone in the barbarian how many times do you get to see that I

Never gets old and the guy doing his voice is good T 1000 is awesome Yeah, those last modes sucks in Mortal Kombat player blows one player sucks. Yeah one player I, I've tried it, it fucking sucks. But training, just being just in the dojo training and just being like, yeah, let's pop it on. What are you guys playing? 17-hit combo. What the hell the fuck did I do that? The combos are nuts. The trailer for the new movie looks all right.

Yeah, I like them more. Really? I disagree. I liked that at the end when Scorpion flew in and they did the get over here. I didn't make it to the end. Oh, really? I turned it off with like 30 seconds, or like 20 seconds.

I don't think he's a good Johnny Cage. I think it's miscast. Who's playing J.K. Carl Urban from, what's he on, The Boys? The Boys, yeah. Yeah. He doesn't look like Johnny Cage. Like Johnny Cage was kind of modeled

after Jean-Claude Van Damme. Yeah. And like Johnny Cage was kind of modeled after Jean-Claude Van Damme. Yeah, and like Johnny Cage he should be prettier like he's not carl urban's not pretty enough the whole cool thing about Johnny Cage is that He's like a pretty boy pretty boy. He's a badass. How's you in the dick? Yeah, it literally should be like Ryan Felipe You know what I mean? Yeah, wait not right Felipe Ryan Gosling. I've never heard him called Ryan Felipe No, the right flip is a dude. No, Ryan Felipe's a dude. No, I know, but I always thought it was Philippe. No, I think it's Felipe.

Felipe, I thought it was Felipe too. Really? They should have Kevin Spacey as Johnny Cage. Hold on a second. By the way, shout out to Felipe. We were just chilling with him. He's a listener to the podcast. Felipe's gonna hear that.

Oh really? Yeah, I'm a big fan of Felipe. The way of the gun? Yeah. Yeah. Felipe's gonna hear that. Oh really? Yeah. Yeah. I'm a big fan of Felipe. The way the gun. Yeah. Yeah. He's the fucking cool.

Oh you know what? Actually, Ryan, if you are listening, I know that you were friends with Sean Price and Sean Price is to me one of the greatest rappers that ever lived. Game steal, friend steal, what else? Yeah, there it is. Shout out to Sean Price. Shout out to Ryan. Yeah. But he yeah, Sean Price rips. Hold on. Well, how my first you guys never heard of this?

We've I've always heard it's Felipe. Yeah, that's how I always pronounce it. This is not my actor database is horrible. It's like embarrassing. But you know, like, well, I'm like, I've never know. It's got to be it's Will Smith. like well, I'm like, I've never know It's gotta be it's Will Smith Robin Williams. I'm like a plus actors. It has to be gotta be a plus. How do you pronounce it guys produce the show? Mary's cashing a check right now

My god the mayor you can't say it out loud. Lamar's feet aren't touching the ground. He's on a stool. Fully just. Just swinging his feet. You guys got me fully charged to talk about Mortal Kombat. I hate Mortal Kombat now. Why?

It used to be good. It sucks. The lore is bad. I knew it was Philippi. It is? Yes. No, who's... No, you can't go by the way the Google voice thing. Eh, probably actually.

Oh, really? Everybody's always... It's Ryan Philippi. Whoa, I've been calling him Philippe forever. Holy shit. Philippe is crazy. Philippe. I think it's got a beautiful ring to it.

Philippe. I knew I wasn't wrong, dude. I knew me and Ryan were boys. Dang. Damn. Damn. Damn. You tried to friend steal and mispronounce his name. Yeah. He's probably furious right now. That's crazy. Dude I'm gonna play fucking Mortal Kombat with Ryan. I'm gonna let my bros ride on you dude. I'm gonna let my. Wow wow Wes. I'm gonna go find a dude that pronounces it Felipe and he's gonna be my friend This episode of Matt and Shane secret podcast is brought to you by dude wipes

Have you left poop streaks and someone else's toilet yeah every every single time. Yeah, I did it all week fucking disaster I left a I mean I literally painted my bowl this morning. Yeah, it was crazy. It's nothing wrong with that No, I was a paint job Do you ever pack extra underwear when you travel how much extra do you ever need it? Pretty much an extra pair per day. I always bring extra underwear. Yeah. Yeah, yes I'm fucking shitting my pants constantly. Yeah, I really work you guys getting out here. Do you wipe standing or sitting down? Does it make a difference? What is going on? Do you have horny of these? They want to know there's got to be something about standing up though. I'm a stand-up wiper honestly sitting down

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Hey guys, just a quick heads up. I'll be at the Ovation Hall in the Ocean Casino in Atlantic City, New Jersey, Saturday, August 16th, the year 2025. Please come, you can go to matmacusker.com for tickets. There's also a link, the year 2025. Please come. You can go to mattmcusker.com. For tickets, there's also a link in the show description. Please come. It's going to be a lot of fun.

It's going to be a hoot. It's going to be a good time. And I'm going to do the new material's coming. New materials. The new material is coming. So I will have a whole slew of new stuff if you see me in Philadelphia. Get ready.

Checking the fuck out. What are you waiting for? I mean, it's going to be, Ocean is a sick venue, sick venue actually I open that for you. It's awesome. Yeah, so Matt August 8th and 9th. I'll be in Louisville, Kentucky in st Louis, Missouri August 8th and 9th Louisville, Kentucky st. Louis, Missouri huge then August 15th Detroit 16th Grand Rapids Nice come on y'all Come on gangs come out get in there me You get in there me so turn around

Yeah, everybody August 5th is optimal noctis and then also at the end of the month like the 26 to the 30th get the dates right before you come in August 26 to August 30. I'll be in the East Coast. Please come check out Dojos. Just on the East Coast. Where? Where? I'll be in the Philly, no.

I'll be in Baltimore. I'll be in New Jersey, the Dojo of Comedy. And then various other bars. So please check out all that information on lamarilee.fun. There you go. Nice. Oh. Yes, yes, yes. There you have it, man.

That's huge, I didn't know that. Yeah, it's big. Dude, I've had a huge development. So you know I suffer from body acne. You know I suffer in silence. My stomach breaks out, especially with the sweat and the heat down here. I'm sorry.

Yeah, thank you, man. It's fucking, dude, I found, I went to a dermatologist and like Dude, those guys I they don't do anything everything. I'm like whenever I eat this you know, why don't you shower? Alright, thanks. No, they're like well, there's no you know, like whatever you eat, whatever I'm like no dude if I dare you my whole stomach breaks out. They're like, there's no real science behind that I'm like dude it literally have lived it. It's a live experience. Yeah, it happens every time you deny my truth. You give you all these creams and you read them. And it's like, don't use this more than two weeks. It's like, why? What's going to happen?

Why should I put this on at all? Yeah, dude, recently, it's been for real, like groundbreaking. Because whenever you go to the ocean, you know, your skin clears up. Yeah. So I was like, how can I recreate that? I got a bucket of Dead Sea salt and I just go in the shower now I wet myself and I just cover myself in salt head to toe and just let it sit let it sit on me for like five minutes completely cleared my skin up yeah my wife hates it I'm gonna have to grow you dude rub me up I'm like why you I'm like dude it cleared it up is the only thing that's ever worked and it's salt it's fucking get a big bucket of it for 30 bucks. Yeah. Sun and salt water are the two. I don't know why. I forget what happened, but I had

like a full on acne outbreak a year ago. Really? Or a year and a half ago. And it was in the winter. And I think it was, yeah, it was gross. It sucks, dude. It sucks being our age and getting acting. It's embarrassing. What the fuck is happening? But it was because I was still living in New York and it was raining every day and it was dark.

And it was definitely related to weather. And I went and I did the Joker's Cruise and it cleared up on the cruise. Like it just cleared up immediately as soon as I got in the sun and there was like a saltwater pool. Bro, I had an insane, like a rare skin disease when I was younger. That sucks.

Just out of no, I've told you, pterosis, rosetta. Out of nowhere. I've never seen anything like it. It was just patches of red all over me. And it didn't itch, didn't burn, it was nothing. Does it look like a red spot, like sunburn? The first one does. There's a Harold patch that comes first. I was just looking in the mirror and I just had a big red mark here.

Okay. And I was like, all right, whatever, I don't give a fuck. And then it started multiplying, it was just all over me. But it was only where sun doesn't get you. So it's from your knees to your elbows. Like it was just where you wear clothes. Yeah, and then my family and I went to the beach Clear it up clear it up did it ever but I had to lay in public with a giant red skin rash Yeah, did it ever get like rashy and raised or was it always just like your skin?

It was a little rashy and raised but it still didn't it sure yeah. Yeah, it was skin's fucking weird It is an organ. It's an organ on your body. You're right about dermatologists No, they get dermatologists a little bit like yep. That's pretty gross You know here's cream Like in the cream the reason you can't do it for more than two weeks because a lot of its it will it thins your skin Yeah, and you buy what I've had with the cream. She used a lot. I have I get a thing called sensitive ass Also, I've had it washed down to my balls and you know And it like my ball skin is would go crazy from whatever they were giving me all skin goes the craziest

Oh ball skin when it goes the absolute when that stuff goes down dried out balls back, bro. That's three years It's the exact that's not going away for three fucking years. It's the worst. Yeah, it sucks I actually dealt with an armpit rash for an entire year last year. What were you using, a new deodorant with alcohol in it? No, it was the same old deodorant. It was almost like I got jock itch. Yes, I've gotten that before.

And it just lingered. I think there's nothing worse than an armpit rash. That hurts. I've never had one. Because you have to put deodorant on it, and it burns, and it itches so bad. I was plowing through it through I was just putting fucking It went from the summer into when we were filming time it was a nightmare

I don't wear deodorant. I got on like once every now and again Do you not sweat though? I do and I'll smell a little bit's like, dude, my armpits get dry from deodorant. It's like I fucking hate. I remember Brut. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, that stuff was flammable. I used to run it across the carpet and light it on fire and it would just go make like a line. Jesus Christ. Sick. It was the carpet. I fucked up a beach rental when I was a little kid one time

because I would make designs in the carpet and like you would light for two seconds is it just like little fight Well, I didn't do this. I didn't do the oh, yeah, this is why I would do a little like loop-de-loop tracks the one time it did get out of control How did your parents not know you were lighting the carpet off? were lighting the carpet on fire. I don't know, I'll just do it and put it out. It was a beach trip, they were probably fucking shitfaced. But at one time, yeah, they were. It was a beach trip, it was 11 a.m.

They were blacked out at the beach. Yeah, my parents never drank growing up, so they knew everything I was doing. I wish I had parents that fucking just got hammered. Sorry I was a joke about it, but it is the best. Yeah, I mean. You have a parent come home drunk, you go, for sure this is a fun day. Yeah, yeah, I missed out. Drunk dad is awesome. Your dad gets I mean you have a parent come home drunk you go For sure. It's a fun day. Yeah

Yeah, I miss dad is awesome Your dad gets drunk when you're little although the first time I did get scared because I read a book in the library saying like It was all about like drunk dad's gonna get you hitting your what? And in your mom so it's like the book was called like why does dad hit mom when he drinks or something like that? First time I saw my dad drunk. I was just like he's beating the fuck out of my mom right now And I was just a little coward. I just sat in my room like, I hope he doesn't go too hard on her. He didn't at all, he was so friendly.

He would get drunk. He sat on the steps and cried. Yeah. Oh, I should go in there. He was just literally like, ah. He would come in and be like, dad. I'd be like, well dad, don't look at beat mom. Oh, that's great like, dad. I'd be like, well, dad, don't look at beat mom. That's great, Druck.

Dad. Yeah. That's my son. Super friendly. Top Druck. Phil is still that. He gets like, ah, ah, ah. He comes in and he goes, ah, ah, ah.

That's awesome. Yeah, fuck yeah. Then you see him in the morning, he's like, how are you? Face is bright red. You're a fucking punk. And you're like, oh, you're hungover. You're being, I'm not hungover. He's never been hungover once. Hitting a girl with hungover is very funny. I've done hungover. He's never been hungover once hitting a girl with hungover is very funny

I've done it before but like you're just hungover and being fucking good. I'm not even hungover at all. It's like Everybody loves denying a hangover. Hey, it's crazy. Everybody's favorite thing to do is go. I'm not you know, what's crazy. I feel pretty good Fucking hungover as shit. Really? Oh yeah, that's why you asked how long this podcast was. No, no, I was just, I was literally just curious. Stop riding me, dude. That's too much lotion.

That's dead skin. We were, we were running in the van and you were fucking with me. I was like, back off, dude. You just kept going, I'm on your bumper boy Three days in the UK You're not going anywhere You're on his ass in the UK. I was funny till we got off the flight till we landed back I mean we were screaming in the fucking airport

until we landed back, I mean we were screaming in the fucking airport. Holy shit dude, we got Prime, I mean you guys might have talked about it already, but we got Prime O'Connor video over there. Yeah, we got some classics. Him at the height of his powers. Yeah, just all running through the streets of London, man, I'm from London, oh, ah.

Like throwing shit, yeah. He was a real problem. That's what I like about him though. He turns up that hard and then you won't see him for two weeks. He's got to, he's got to mend himself. He goes home and he enters the tent. I saw him last night. He's like, I gotta read, I gotta fucking cook, I gotta become a good person.

And then you go, why don't you come out? Yeah. His bounce backs are crazy. It's pretty impressive. I saw him last night. We were in the green room. We had two drinks and I was like, what are you doing dude?

He's like, I don't know, I might go see Sadie, whatever. And he fucking snuck out. I was like, he's dodging it. Yeah, good man. Yeah, he's trying to be good. You gotta respect the dodge. I get it, I get it man. I get it, I'm fucking terrible at it.

I let everybody talk me into fucking hanging out. I'm the worst Do it just as much you're one of the worst perpetrators of it. Yeah. Yeah, dude. Take a shot my birthday's next week I'm taking a thousand shots with you and every time you go you never take take shots. It's been literally years, literally. We've taken shots together. We took shots together last week at Mitzis. I did not take any shots with you at Mitzis. Yeah, we did. We did?

Yeah, at the corner. Yeah, shit, well, you got me there. And you said it, I remember it. You go, you'd never take shots with your bro. We took shots for the last week. My dude. My dude. Every week.

It's so funny. It is usually late if I'm taking a shot. I was talking to Carrie at Mothership last night about, she's like, what are you doing tomorrow, baby? I was like, I'm doing Matt and Shane. And I was just telling her about when you start pressuring to drink and I was like I'm gonna be sitting on that couch. He's gonna be like, come on. Come on. Let's go. Let's go I was like she's like wow and I was like I can't say no to the man No, I can't today. I can't today

No, I got spots tonight, no, I can't yeah, all right, I can't I've got a remain in the tomb dude I just yeah together a run. I gotta. True. But I was just like. I'll make it to Friday. I'll make it to Friday. I don't fly out til Saturday.

Where you headed? Back up to PA, because I gotta do some pods in New York and then Rhode Island gigs and then some other stuff. We haven't even talked about your special. Yeah, dude. I'd love to talk about it. Yeah, it was great.

Thank you, man. I like the intro, I like how spooky it was. Thanks, man. Thanks a lot, thank you. I appreciate it. And at first I didn't like the blurry shots. And then I came around. All right, thank you.

I was a little on the fence about him too at first, but then the closer we got to, because I directed it too, so I was very involved from start to finish with everything. And I was a little on the fence about it too, but then ultimately I was like, oh no, it works. I don't know. It was a nice device, I thought, or whatever. But yeah, man, I appreciate you. I missed the actual taping. I was at the after party. You showed up right as the party was starting. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was bummed I appreciate you. I missed the actual taping. I was at the after party.

You showed up right as the party was starting. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was bummed I missed that. That was a good out. I was thrilled you came down. You rolled in with six, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was thrilled you came down. Definitely got bullied into taking a shot. Well, that was a special night. It's always a special night. Yeah.

It's always a special night. Yes, that was. But yeah, it's called I Never Promise You A Rose Garden. It's on my YouTube, at Joe DeRosa, so youtube.com slash at Joe DeRosa Comedy. But anyway, I hope people enjoy it. Yeah, it's good. But it's the hardest ever word. It's a really good special. Thank you, dude.

It means a lot to me to hear you say that because, and Matt, feel free to jump in with the compliment. I haven't seen it yet, so I always feel bad. I don't see it. And I usually don't watch, I watched yours a lot. I haven't finished it yet, but I've watched a lot of it. I'm not blowing smoke up your ass. I did the same thing with you. Yeah, I was like, you're one of, no, no, no, no.

I'm saying though, I hear you. It's kind of hard sometimes when you do comedy and you're around it all the time to jump into a special. Yeah. But you're one of the guys where it's like, I'm like, I was excited. And we've done enough shows where I know the material. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was, it was so to ask our Dini told me as special. I'm like, that's going to be good. I can't wait to see that. Thanks guys. They were actually singing praises before you got in. Thanks guys.

How much they liked the, I heard the way it started out and I was like, awesome. I'm so glad you did that. Thanks guys. They were actually singing praises before you got in. Thanks guys. I really appreciate it. How much they liked the. I heard the way it started out. I was like awesome. The starting the starting bit of material. I was like that's. Let's not let's not. I won't say any spoilers

but. Fantastic. I can't wait for the start of your special. Yeah. I can't wait. No spoilers. No spoilers. But yeah. I heard I I was here and I was like that's. Thanks brother. Perfect. Thanks dude. Uh it's the it's it's literally the hardest I ever worked

on anything in my whole life. That's awesome. It was three years of touring and I was gonna shoot it at one point and Ari Shafir was like, it's not ready, it's not ready yet, it's not ready. And then when I finally did do it, like him being like,

it's time. I was like, all right. That's awesome, man. Good for him for, cause that's hard to tell someone. But boy, if somebody told me it's not ready when I thought it was ready. We argued. I mean, me and Ari did argue. I wasn't just like, okay. I was like, it's ready, dude. I don't need to do it for three years.

And he goes, he goes, oh yeah, cause you're the one. And I was like, God damn. All right. And I was like, God damn, all right. But yeah, like, but I don't know. It's like, it's nice having friends, like again, I'm not blowing smoke, but it's nice having friends who also do comedy that when they put something out, like when you put out your last one,

you're excited to watch it. Cause it's like, it's easy to get comedy. You have to have a friend who sucked. True. I was like, check out this special. Yeah, I'm excited for yours, dude. Thank you, man. Yeah, you were talking a little bit about it last night. I'm pumped.

I was getting a... Get to Toronto's main venues like Budweiser Stage and the new Rogers Stadium with Go Transit. Thanks to Go Transit's special online e-ticket fairs, a $10 one-day weekend pass offers unlimited travel on any weekend day or holiday, anywhere along the Go network. And the weekday group passes offer the same weekday travel flexibility across the network, starting at $30 for two people and up to $60 for a group of five. Buy your online Go pass ahead of the show at gotransit.com slash tickets. Dude, Brittany's been getting a lot of like people see her and they go, Oh, four times.

Yeah, WMAS are. And last night I was doing standup and people brought it up. They're like, talk about your four time WMAS our wife. And I was just, I thought it was great. And now she's getting so much attention. I'd just been like, she was fucking hacked. She wasn't fucking. I mean, come on. Turn on her. Yeah, I just got to take her down. Just be like, there. She doesn't even look like an athlete. I don't know what the fuck the joke is.

I kept saying last night, I was like, he should have dressed me up, man. He should have dressed me up. I could have done that. I was like, I could have done that. I know, the joke easily could have been NHL. I know, no, no. Or NASCAR or golf. Dressed me up as a black WNBA star.

Oh, you mean fucking NHL. I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I was like I could have done that. I know the joke easily Easily could have been NHL

Let me put that shit on do We wouldn't be talking right now, but we would be considered the greatest of all time We wouldn't still be talking. I just showed up fully prepared for the role. What the fuck are you doing? We're gonna save it so far. Oh, I thought she was like, oh, the joke's about pretty. Oh shit.

I gotta take this off. Fuck, it's not coming off. It was, it was fun for me to watch it again. Fuck, I'm sitting next to Jaylen Carter. Fuck. I'm just like a black lady. Dude, I saw rewatching it and seeing the people behind us like clapping in earnest, and then it's revealed and they go...

That was very, very fun to see. Yeah, the... Fucking asshole. We can save that one, though. Huh? Maybe I'll get another hosting job sometime. No, I'm not going to dress up as a... Yeah.

Just funny to talk about. Put an end to things. Save it for the Oscars. Yeah. Get it? Yeah. I'll be Ryan Felipe. Yeah.

Ryan Felipe. Yeah. You got that in the... You got that bolt in the chamber. We got that one locked and loaded. When it's time, it's time. Yeah, it must have been... Yeah, it's time to hang it up.

You go, you know what? I got one more. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I got one more. Yeah. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that.

I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that.

I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that.

I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I had to go do Kansas City and Oklahoma City. And those, you know, you're doing a show like that. That's a lot of fucking stress. I don't know how you also, I flew home on Friday and I for real thought I was gonna fall down. Friday sucked ass.

Oh, fucking, I'm gonna have to go. I had a later flight. Yeah, but like that much later. I texted these guys, like we're already there. I was walking through the airport, like I felt like I was like not getting enough oxygen. That's how it feels. Because you were just so hung over. I didn't have like the headache or anything but I was just I had like three hours. We drank a lot of liquor fast. Yes, I had like two hours of sleep and just walking through the airport with like my bag just like I for real might go down. I was like lightheaded bro

so bad so That day I woke up in the hotel going yes. I have nothing to do today Perfect, and I was like oh shit. I got a flight at Oklahoma and do a show Then the next morning I woke up like finally I can fucking go home fuck. I got to go to Kansas fucking city Yes, I don't know what's going on. I guess this is what being burnt out is, but anxious like dreams. And then wake up going, I don't have anything to do.

Nice, fuck. Dude, you just did a thing that six people on planet Earth have done. It was the movie. The movie, filming a movie for a month and a half was, I've never done anything like that. And then shows and then the, yeah. You're running through a very unique goblet.

It's time to lay down. Yeah. And oh yeah, we film commercials that I'm seeing the edits to those. I don't fucking yeah love them. I go great Yeah, there's nothing worse than watching yourself in a way We're like I don't like that while you're anxious and hungover and you see a video of yourself you go It sucks. It was fun. I was trying to upload all the stuff from our drunk podcast that next day in the airport I'll just watch it and be like, oh, that podcast with the second half,

the second half in the tomb forever. And F.T. until until one day. Yeah. It's putting it so that the Martin Screlli for six million dollars. The no, that That airport hangover. Like honestly, I like almost have a panic attack. Yeah. I carry Xanax for it. Cause you're, it's so like your gut is related

to your anxiety and all that shit. And when you're in that state, you're walking, you're like, you might have to take a shit, you don't know. Yeah. You can shit at any moment. Yeah. hard you could know I mean physically I could walk into a bathroom and take a shit while hungover at any if someone's a ticket sure I know I go no problem oh you mean like on yes yes chambered at

all times yeah yes sir Yes, Danny. Yes, Danny. Yes, Danny. Yes, Danny. Yeah, that's just so heavy. I'm like a hundred. Danny, you have a clear gay joke. I'm 103 degrees.

My face is, I have like 103 degree fever, and then I just woke up and I did the opposite. I pounded coffee to like power through, so I'm having like heart palpitations. It was terrible. Yeah, heart palpitations for sure. It was terrible. It's fucking nuts.

When I, you know, the B-dubs at the airport's just right there going. Yeah, you're nothing without me, coward. When I did Kill Tony, when they did the H-E-B center down here, I did the panel, and I was only supposed to do a set. And then I showed up, and he was like, I need you to panel, buddy. And I was like, all right. And I was so hung over. And I started up and he was like, I need you to panel buddy. And I was like, all right. And I was so hungover and I started,

the same thing dude, dehydrated. I felt like sick, I felt like I had a cold. I started fucking pounding coffee to wake up and then I was meeting it with booze to get like tuned up. Dude, I got on stage, my guts started turning. I, my hand to God dude, I had a two minute panic attack on stage. I was sitting there, I was so, I was hitting from all angles, and I was sitting there, the first bucket pull came out, the kid was talking to us, and my brain was like, there's

a lot of fucking people out there, dude. It was all lit up. If you watch the video, you see me do this. You see this is the desk. I just go like this. I just put the mic down. I just stare. I'm like, I'm gonna freak out right now. I was literally looking like,

where can I run off this fucking stage? That's tough. And then it just stopped. And I was like, oh, that's hangover. That's like bad anxiety. I get that doing standup where like I'll like forget the next thing I'm gonna talk about and it's like a 30 second thing in my head

where it's like this is it dude? You're gonna have to look at all these people and go, I can't do this, I'm sorry guys, I don't know why. And just walk off and you just power through and you're like, oh thank God. Yeah, no, I've been there dude. Maria Bamford said she used to, like she said she would take comfort

in knowing that at any second she had the option of running out of the club and never returned. She was like, that's the only way I can get through it. Sometimes, yeah, it's like, fuck it. It is nice when you get on stage and you go, oh yeah, I can do stand up. Yeah. After the first minute, you go, oh fuck yeah.

Yeah. Nice, because for the last hour and a half,'ve been back there going fuck. I can't do this Fuck yeah, yeah, I've done the coffee pre-show coffee where I'm on stage and my heart's like I'm like, I'm gonna fucking this might be it and then I've done it where I'm like Maybe I have a heart attack and I really leaned into it and powered through and I was like I saw it through a heart attack. I was so into it and powered through it and I was like, I was so proud. I powered through a heart attack once. I was so proud of myself. I had this horrible pain in my chest.

Yeah. Yeah. Listen, I was headlining, it was like two years ago. It might have been two or three years ago. You might have had a heart attack. Bro. It hurt. It hurt so bad that I was like, I have to get off stage.

Yeah. And then I was like, well this is my last joke, just fucking, and I just did my last have to get off stage yeah and then I was like well this is my last joke just fucking and I just did my last joke got off stage I was like pretty sure I just had a heart attack yeah did you and you never got a check or people have little ones that's something I don't I don't think it was an actual art I think you've had like three heart attacks. You're like what I was 34 dude, I know someone got one at like 24 years old I mean they were dead they were taking heavy subs and then other recreational but

Yeah, I was on zero recreational. Yeah, if you can have them without knowing I've definitely had There's no way well if I had heart attacks. There's no way. Well, if I ever had one, that was it. Yeah. I mean, that sounds like a heart attack. I've never had something that hurt. Like my fucking wall up there like, ahhh. I was like, ohhhh.

I'll tell you, I'll tell you, fuck. I'll tell you a perfect formula for I'm going to have a heart attack on stage. This has happened to me several times. You'll be at Mothership, you'll be in the green room. You look up and realize the guy on stage in the main room only has 30 seconds left, and you go, oh fuck! And you run all the way, dude, you get on stage. I've done that, I can't catch my breath on stage.

Dude, I'll do this on the stool. I'll lean like this. And I'm starting out the whole time, I'm like, I think I'm gonna have a heart attack right now. That is a fucking labyrinth back there. You gotta go up and down five flights of steps. I felt bad last night, because we were all backstage, and people are backstage, like you were backstage, and you probably had like four minutes.

I'll say something. I always go, bro. But I feel like a dick, because I'm like, hey, Dorosa, you're up next, right? And he's like, yeah, I'm going down. I'm like, I feel like an asshole. I'm gonna be like, dudeosa you're up next right? He's like, yeah, I'm going down. I'm like fucking asshole. I'm like dude. You better get down there I do it on shows. I'm not even on I get nervous. Yeah, I think I was fucking yeah, dude I get nervous on other people's be so you never know when someone's gonna fucking just go that's it. I know It was GD. I'm GD. He dug his heel. He obviously luckily he's a big stage hug dug his heels in

Yeah, yeah, you actually probably were like like oh, Judy's always gonna go long I was no it's really nervous when it's like eight minutes in I see the clock and I'm going like dude It's a while to get down there. Do you ever go on stage there and you realize you forget the dude You're bringing on his last name for sure. Yeah, and you're like I forgot the headliners Joe Rogan Fucking Joe this podcast is an experience I forgot the headliners. I feel Joe Rogan. That's not what I'm talking about. Fucking Joe. This podcast is an experience.

It's got an experience. Ah! You figure what it's going to be. Stick it out. The Heather MacDonald clip fucked me up. Did you ever see her go down? Yeah. Yeah, I think about that.

Yeah, watch how you go. Because I've obviously laughed about it publicly. So I'm like, that's going to happen to me now. It's going to happen. Dude, there's a trilogy. There's a perfect trilogy. Heather McDonald, Wendy Williams, and Gallagher. Oh, and you're forgetting the goat, Pablo Francisco.

He went down? Did he collapse on stage? No, but he- He says that, that's a wild meltdown. Yeah. Yeah. That's a wild meltdown. That's the number one for me. He bro. Well, well, we've had you've heard me say it a million times. No, I don't think I can get

out of this. Oh, okay. So no, you're in safe hand with all. Get down, get to the chopper. You don't think I can get out of this, folks? There's some of the videos that cuts and then it cuts them being He just broke. He just broke. There's some of the videos that cuts, and then it cuts them being... Cuts them being wheeled out of the stretcher. That's the best one. Dude, that's the one that made it easier.

Yeah. Just in the stretcher going, you don't think I can get out? Oh no. Oh no. He got locked in the bit. He got locked in the bit. Dude, he's in like a K-hole with a bit.

No. Like he was like, he can't get out of this bit. And he's going, I can, I can, I can, but like, wait, hold on, this is fun. He's at the hospital like, it's not funny, let it go. He's like, no, it's funny. I can get to the end of the bit, just let me finish the fucking bit.

You guys keep interrupting. Top three, so that's stage meltdown. That's a different category now. But that's right, that's the number one of meltdowns. Tomb, Tomb might go to Swartzen Dude I had so I had the entire time You're about to here comes dude. You're about to start rambling incoherently. Oh my god, so fried Dude, that's in the background of my head the entire time. So you're about to, here it comes, dude.

You're about to start rambling incoherently. Oh my God, I'm so fried. I thought the O'Con man was gonna have one. He, when we did the Chicago Theater, he went out with Santino during the day and they day drank. I went out, I met him, I had like one beer and I was like, we got Chicago Theater tonight.

I left, they show up, they didn't leave. He never went back to the hotel. They went from the bar straight to the show. O'Connor walks in the green room like, what's up? And I was like, holy shit, dude, you're blacked out. And I was like, fine, dude, get the fuck out there. Go out there.

He killed it. That's awesome. I was like, god damn, that. He killed. That's awesome. God damn, that's pretty impressive. That's awesome. O'Connor. He killed, bro. Dude, he's from another dimension, man. He is.

O'Connor should be in the next Mortal Kombat. He really should. He might be the drunken master. That's insane. Wait, third, but wait, I got a number three best meltdown. The Lampanelli one is wild. Do you remember that one? No, what happened?

Where people are walking out and then people are helping her. People are going like, she's yelling at somebody and then people are being like, it's okay, Lace. And she's like, shut the fuck up. I don't need any fucking help from you. And she's like turning on the people, supporting her and shit. Like, it's a, I'm not throwing any shade

at any of these people. No, it can happen. Yeah, yeah, we're Like, it's a, I'm not throwing any shade at any of these people. No, it can happen. Yeah, yeah, we're just, it's just funny. Like, I've, I've, I've been banned from clubs. I've freaked on stage. Yeah, you're a psycho. Yeah. Yeah.

You're a wild dog. Yeah, I got banned from the Laugh Factory in New York. Did you really? Yeah, because I told the audience, I said, I hope you all get fucking AIDS and die in a car accident on your way home tonight. You're a bunch of fucking animals. I got banned.

It's probably during a decent set. I was just screaming. I was just spazzed at the end. It was so rowdy, dude. It was crazy how rowdy it was. Yeah. And then I went back to the club, and I was like, I don't understand why

you won't book me anymore. And the booker was like, because you told the audience, I hope you get AIDS and die in a fucking car. Do you think that's OK? I was like, I don't understand why you won't book me anymore. And the booker was like, because you told the audience I hope you get AIDS and die in a fucking car. Do you think that's okay? I was joking around. I was like, well, they were shitty. I don't know. What was I supposed to do?

Yeah, I've freaked. Have you guys ever freaked? I've lost my shit. I've spazzed once. I've never spazzed. The only one at Fort Wayne was I was just like, all right, that's good. It's the end of the show.

I haven't done it in 15 years. Like I learned. I did it in Bakersfield. That was a tough one. Spaz. They were they were wild. I spazed on one guy in Phoenix, Arizona. I kind of just started traveling headlining

and the weekend wasn't going well. Ticket sales weren't great. And then there was like in this one of the rooms was a copper blues. They have like multiple ones, I think. There's one of those rooms where there's like's like, you know exceeding but then they have booths to like the right of the stage Yeah, so it's just a guy in a fucking like leather jacket talking so fucking loud. It can't be the What was it called? It's not the taste around there. It's oh They have multiple but this guy was talking and it was just like, you know

I was like whatever like shut up But at one point Brittany went up to him She was there it was like he'd be quiet and he said something to her and I like just stopped mid joke It was like shut the fuck up pussy and like spaz. It was like a fight. Okay, it was bad And I was like anyway, I was just fucking around guy. Yeah Your red face spaz had him cause like eventually I think I had him come up on stage And he just called me gay without a microphone. I'm like it just backfired on me, and I was like Get up here. He's like you're just a fucking gay pussy. I'm like damn nice jacket bitch get off the stage. This isn't working

It's just a good straight gay guy well your jack is discussing fuck It's only had a uber drive. You told me you have an Uber driver jacket, dude. Get the fuck out of here. It was just great. They're always right around. He was getting louder, though. He was winning the debate. I'm like, get the fuck out of here.

He's like, you're fucking gay. I was like, fuck. It wasn't really a spaz, but in that Tempe improv, that was where that gremlin from high school got me. You remember that? This kid from high school showed up, and he was like, after the first show, he's sitting in the green room, he's like,

I would give that like a C, C minus. And I was just like. And then he spent an hour in between shows talking about how I sucked at football and his class was better. And then stayed, it was crazy. I couldn't, other people were looking like, yeah what, what the fuck's going on?

I don't know and then he stayed for the second show and I killed and every time I Had a good joke. I just looked directly at him just gone Yeah, yeah Fucker every single joke for an hour. I was just every time I'm going He was like that nothing to do you think of that, you fucking cock? He was like, nothing to him. He was like, that was good. Oh, that was good.

I love how people like that flip it. Now, that was good, see? Go fuck yourself. I'm like your coach. Yeah, that's a weird. No, a spaz is always right around the corner. Without question, in recent years, I'm speaking way too

liberally when I say I learned my lesson because I'll still yell at an audience but I figured out somehow to sometimes make it kind of funny to like beat them in to get, but like I could easily see having a full freak at any, you know, it won't take much dude. It doesn't take much. It takes a couple annoying people. Let's start getting to your shows. You know? Yeah won't take much, dude. It doesn't take much. It takes a couple annoying people. I'm gonna start getting to your shows, you know?

Yeah. What's that? I'm gonna start hanging around the back of your shows. I mean. I just wanna. It's gotta fuckin' suck. The ultimate. I just wanna be clear that I stand with Pablo, Lisa, and Nick. Oh, for sure, for sure. Yeah, I'm not making fun of it.

It's funny to see though. I'm convinced it will happen. I'm like, I'm gonna join the pantheon of dudes who freak out one day and just completely break and be like, I don't know why I do this. I'm sorry guys, please refund everything. I'm fighting it the entire time I do anything. But wait, you never saw Gallagher

having the heart attack on stage? He had it? No. He did. It's during the fucking watermelon. He walks over. This is so fucked up to laugh at it. It's hilarious. Yeah, no, he goes over to the water. He picks up the hammer and he goes. Oh, he goes down. Oh, no. He goes down. Oh, he goes down? He goes down.

He has a fucking heart attack. He's a real one. Yeah, dude. Oh. That's what I was saying. There was two categories. There was collapse on stage versus meltdown. I mean, a prop, yeah, because Heather McDonald's was pretty fucking elite.

Hers was crazy because she was like, I got all the vaccine. Just went down. What happened? Did she- But a prop guy. Oh, sorry, go ahead vaccine. Just went down. What happened? Did she just? I'm sorry, go ahead. Prop guy going down. It's crazy. With a hammer, a mallet in your hand.

Over his head, dude. What the fuck? The watermelon finally won, dude. The watermelon was like, ah. He's literally doing a thing that would give any human a heart attack. He's doing it on stage and it's closer. Yeah, dude, exactly. Time was finally like, that's enough, dude.

Yeah. Take it easy. But wait, did Heather McDonald ever explain what happened to her? I haven't seen the explanation, no. I'm sure she talked about it somewhere, but I never saw it addressed at all. She just fainted. Yeah, but it was like. She just happened to be talking about how boosted she was.

That was the worst part. I just jinxed it. Yeah, true. Wait, what was she talking about? She was bragging about how many. Literally her last lines were like how many boosters and how many times she's gotten the vaccine and then her last line's like,

so yeah, Jesus loves me. Yeah. And the worst part was the crowd thought it was a bit and they were like. Yes, she timed perfectly. Yeah, it was a bit and they were like, yeah Perfectly. Yeah, it was fucked up. Yeah, that's a great bit But yeah, I think she really got hurt chief. I think she hit her head dude. She got fucked up Yeah, yeah

Yeah, she got fucked up and it was just like these idiots who didn't get the vaccine ha ha ha, I've gotten all of them. Ha ha, God loves me. I've never even gotten, ah, and just fucking. Literally got killed. God was just like, yeah, man. Yeah, enough of that. Holy shit. Jesus Christ, the Wendy Williams one happened on TV. Yeah, I saw that.

Yeah. By the way, Wendy Williams rules. She does. I didn't know Wendy Williams ruled. I don't know much about her. Watch clips. She's fucking hilarious.'t know Wendy Williams ruled. I don't know much about her. Watch clips. She's fucking hilarious. Yeah.

She is funny. She used to do a show at comics in New York. Were you around when comics was there? Oh my God, I'm gonna pee my fucking pants. Yeah, I'm gonna pee my pants too. We taking, I can't move, dude. We'll see you later. Are we in an hour?

Yeah. Oh, dude, let's slide to the page. Yeah. I've been fighting it for like 10 minutes. That could've been page right there, we'll see. Yeah, true. It was a lot of stand up talk. there. We'll see. Yeah true. It was a lot of stand-up talk Okay, we'll see