Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 571 - Daddy's Dots

Episode Date: August 6, 2025

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Go See Lemaire Lee Live @ https://lemairelee.fun/ hello. Hope you're all having a good week. We have a podcast for you. Just the D.A.W.G.Z. Matt talks about his new Daddy Dot system and Meezy tells all on the paytch this week. So peep that if you wish. Please enjoy. God Bless. See Universal Pictures’ NOBODY 2, only in theaters August 15. Get DUDE Wipes at Amazon and retailers nationwide. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

The Wow, Wow, Wes. Hey. What's up, guys? How are you? You saw what I was up to? That was awesome. New game, hold fast. Got to give them steal, Eddie.

Yeah, that is nice. I like the musket reload, man. Muscat reload's nice, guys screaming. I like the community. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's a community thing for me. They should, with the respawn, the community is nice with all the guys going,

do you get an American server. Yeah. Then they're not saying Vive la France. They're saying the N-word. You got to report them. yeah they say it so much that it gets to the point where i'm sitting here by myself like come on guys yeah guys this is i don't like that dog like it's enough that i'm the one that's like offended i'm like god damn these guys really actually well they gotta be they got to be

they can hear like kids yeah they are little kids there i saw a thing online where a guy was talking to a kid in a game and he goes yo man um like you won some like fortnight's game let me talk to your mom i'm gonna like get all the information put it together as soon as the mom got on there He goes, your son has said the N-word to me, and just lied, just made it up. And the kid's mom was like, are you using bad language? Damn, that could have got any of us. I don't know, Mom, I wasn't. He's lying.

Although his mom was like, we're using bad language? Are you using naughty language again? Please stop that. She handled it with like potty mouth energy. Like, come on. The N-word is definitely potty mouth. It's super potty mouth. Yeah.

Super potty-mouth stuff, dude. Yeah, it's. So that's what I've been. up to just holding the line giving them steel just sitting in my house by myself laying on this gal that's so fucking sick giving them steal so fucking sick i got i uh the highlight of my week so far has definitely been i got a um a thing for my bed that keeps it cold all the time so i sleep on like a 55 degree that's incredible it's dude he got so cold last night i got scared i was like what if i get the moon you?

It's crazy how scared you get at night. Dude, especially like... I get scared it all the time at night. It was crazy. It's pretty embarrassing. I mean, it's literally the Wichita hour. It's spooky. I need Lemaire.

I need you back. Yeah. I need you back. When's your lease up? Where? Fuck it. I need you in the, in the perimeter. Yeah.

Guarding. The ring camera is a terrible choice. Dude, it goes off. It goes off at three in the morning because of fucking possums and shit. It'll be, there'll be like a box across the street. It's like, you know, we detect it live movement. It's like, dude, those things are so annoying. Are you a part of the ring community as well?

Yeah, they were, every day somebody on crack is like, why is this helicopter circling? Every single day. No, no. Helicopter, yesterday the internet went out and I got 40 notifications. I had to turn it off. Yeah, it's really annoying. Yeah. We had one in Philly and I was like, I just took it off my phone.

I was like, I don't, whatever. Someone breaks into my house. I'll just mons off the crash them. Yeah. steal i'll give them sure i'm right bayonet somebody that would be yeah i mean you really can what states didn't it's california i think i think california passed it where you can't shoot somebody in your house which is kind of it's a whole point of buying a house yeah yeah the whole point is hopefully you can shoot someone yeah like we're fucked you you're the lease you're the leaseholder right

now so you could kill all of us and be like guys i told them to get out told them it didn't i probably baynett all of you yeah true now i would jump three times. If you jump, I can't bayonet. All you have to do is stand still. You have to move slightly and I cannot bayonet. It's got to move in that game. You stand still and just move a little bit.

Yeah. That was like the cheat in Madden where people would stop. And you'd run, run, run, stop. It was like impossible to get the person. Those are the days. Yeah, that was awesome. The cousin would be Mike Vic and you're like, you're a fucking piece of shit. Yeah, the energy in here is.

Yeah, what the hell's going on? The Nactus boys are just, is something happening in the news or something that you guys are all? What's going? on here. We did a screen time check. I think we got six hours. Sean wouldn't disclose. Nate got seven. Seven's a little high. What were you rocking with? I don't know. I've never looked at it because I'm too ashamed. When I heard you guys talking and I'm good. I can feel superior to you. What was you? What were you rocking with?

I did hit an eight last week. That's a rough one, but typically pretty low. It's not bad. Not bad. I thought I was higher. I'm speaking of screen time. Let's add to it. What's going on? I'm at 2.35 right now. I'll check my text real quick. Two hours, 35 minutes. Yeah, I've been trying to, like, even watching movies, I have to throw my phone. Oh, yeah. Because I'll just keep picking it up.

The second the movie lulls, I go, let's look at that. Yeah, I, one time, the first time I've ever seen somebody do something like that, I was in somebody's, unfortunately, I was in a man's bedroom. But I wasn't having sex and I was selling a marijuana. But I was in a man's bedroom. And, uh, he was doing TV. stereo his had TV on was playing music and just hitting the phone all at once I remember being this was like years ago I remember being like what the fuck yeah that's terrible it was crazy just get you're just getting rocking man just firing everything up and just being like

I don't want to think at all yeah we're being struck by that but yeah the movie I do the phone while my kids watch TV and I even even during that I feel just like a fucking lump they're just staring at a screen and I'm like dipping out on the couch next to him like yeah Anytime they look at my screen, I'm like, yo, don't look at that. Don't look at that. It's fucked up. Yeah. You'll actually find that very offensive one day when you grow up.

No matter what I'm looking at. Yeah. It's either going to be a girl or it's going to be a terrorist attack. Yeah. I watched a guy, a bridge collapse yesterday in Ukraine. Oh, no. Terrifying. Just a guy on it.

One guy? He was like welding. Yeah. Pretty terrible. He hit the one part, the entire thing collapsed. And it was like, oh, no. Fuck. It was terrifying.

dude yeah yeah that fucking sucks i'd like to think i've i've ran the drill mentally of like getting out of the car the bridge collapses you like pop the thing swim out but i feel like you sink really fast but what do you mean if you're in a car first of all the impact of falling off the bridge in your car and hitting the water is got to be a rough impact if you're yeah if you're in your car that'll be tough you're done i think you're done yeah i don't like bridge collapse you're just from debris alone debris's gonna land on you you're gonna yeah yeah but then you're It depends how high the bridge. You're probably just going to die.

What type of bridge are we talking? We'll go like... We're talking crossing the mighty Susquehanna. Susquehanna alone would fucking carry you, bro. Susquehanna is a little shallow. Is it really? It's a shallow river. I mean, I'm sure there's deep parts, but yeah, you'd hit some rocks.

That'd be a negative... Then you got to swim out of like a... But that's a new bridge. The Turnpike's putting together some great bridges. Yeah, come on. Pennsylvania taxpayers. If I was a Pennsylvania taxpayer, I'd be happy to sell around. I'd be happy as hell with the bridges.

The infrastructure Potholes, not a crate But yeah, I love the time What's going to all this country's infrastructure? Are we going to build some fucking roads or what? I feel like they're building roads Every single place I've ever been. Dude, it's not stopped.

And they're not done. No, they'll never be done. They're fucking, they're literally, they're everywhere. Yeah. They're shutting down like the highway near my house COVID should have been a boom. Yo. You know?

Where the fuck? Where the roads? A boom? Yeah, a boon. It's a boom. Yeah, it should have been a boom. Yeah, we should have came back. If you close closely that, I, I, uh, I hedged my bet there a little because I wasn't sure

if it was a boomer of boons. I was like, boom. It stopped. Yeah, it should have been the infrastructure boom. It really should have been, man. Yeah. Let's get, let's get, uh, I don't know if they did that. Did they do that when everybody was chilling?

No, everyone, nobody was afraid. They fired everybody. They fired everybody. You know what I had? People had no choice other than to fucking pop the wives or pop your wife. Yeah, you get unemployed. long enough, dude. After like three days, you start getting the itch. I want to fucking...

You go, I've been hanging out there way too long. Let's break up this one, too. That is a sad fact about humanity that if you lose your job, it's just a matter of time. Yep. You're gonna fucking just... Yeah, because you're embarrassed. Yeah.

You're ashamed. Yeah. She starts going, you're pathetic. Oh, my God. You say that before the fight. Yeah, that would stink. Wait until I talk to me after the bell rings, you know? Yeah, true.

It's the fucking Khabib. Now we talk. We talk now. I mean, they're just hyping up the fight. They're trying to sell some tickets. That's the pre-fight. That's the pre-fight match. They're going to hit the McGregor.

They're going to go, it's just business, man. You're going to go, no, now we talk. This episode is brought to you by Universal Pictures, Nobody 2. A couple years ago, Bob Odenkirk showed up out of nowhere as an action star and nobody. Now he's back in the sequel, Nobody 2. nice holy cow this time hutch tries to go on vacation with his family and all hell breaks loose it's a real delight to see a guy like odin kirk kick some serious ass jesus produced by 87 north the same team behind hits like john wick bullet train and the fall guy uh don't miss universal pictures nobody too only in theaters

august 15th nice you ever see nobody no it's really good i got to check it out yeah it's a fun It's a fun little flick I gotta check it out for sure We gotta check it out Yeah I don't know I wonder if those Dagestani's ever put hands on their women Yes Yes

They probably don't strike They probably just go straight to the ground Dude boring ass woman It goes five rounds They just wear them out Their neighbors are like Oh come on man This is boring

Stand up It's just boring man Standing bang Yeah I mean Those Dagestanias just wrestle the shit out of their women Yeah, I just feel like Yeah, you can just tell

What those guys? Yeah, dude I don't think they hit the right That face That face, I think they're going like Babe, I see where you're coming from I think they're women no Yeah

That guy is He's gonna get you They probably have like entrance music Oh yeah true Are the Dagestan babes face is covered? I don't think They're pretty devout Muslim So I assume

they would be uh yeah good point but the eyes you could see that mouth man yeah you can catch a little condescending glance that's what i'm saying or you just see that fucking you know shredder flap just moving you know they're talking shit and you're like what did you say yeah what did you say no we talk nothing uh smash you smash dude i read something recently i'll be honest i was trying to figure out if there was a historical record of europeans first encountering chinese and japanese people like what was their general impression if they've never seen them before like my my honest question was like is there historical records of them being like dude it was hilarious you can get some yeah dude yeah they

talked about polo yeah you can get some uh especially the jesuits going to like japan yeah dude dude the japanese were fucking wild rocking those dudes yeah they were just they carried them immediately yeah they were like but they apparently they were super the uh the japanese were like super curious especially about religious stuff and that's what kind of got them because they would like fuck people up but the missionaries came through the missionaries came through and got tortured for like 400 years they got bucked for sure and then eventually I think it was the Dutch that started being able to trade there because it was a no one was allowed to trade there yeah and then the Dutch started being like come on guys yeah come

come man let us let us let us have one port we're cute the Dutch why do they get away from like because every other European country it's I mean it's obviously well documented they were bad boys but like dutch were real bad mad they were bad they were going crazy they got india japan yeah yeah everyone always talks about britain you know no you don't really hear about like the dutch the deuches dutch went wild yeah they were fucking but then they got back to amsterdam we're like yo brother we're just chilling man chilling man what was their fucking the proven fuck i forget what they were called didn't they have the dutch trading company yeah it was the dutch east cindies day dutch well they came out with those blunts and just cashed in

Dodgemaster Yeah Like you know we're getting their name The name of the country It wasn't Holland or Netherlands It was a what province Some bullshit I don't know

Oh they had like a Prussia Pre-country kind of thing Yeah with the fire I didn't even know that to be honest Yeah they were going wild Huh That's one of them but uh whatever

it's okay don't be sorry but oh g dutch there's nothing we can do about it i'm just going off of nope but that's okay yeah you know it's figure it out something you know what's crazy so i was i was reading so i did grok that question i did want to see if european dudes just like went to china and just at first we're like just a little just a little bit it's like because i was trying to i'm like it is funny like i'm not even being mean it's like it's funny what it's the first time to never hear like a hardcore like straight from chinese or straight from China a Chinese guy talk

if you've never seen that before I was wondering like is it inherently funny or you know am I a jerk because I would make in the argument like it is kind of inherently funny yeah it just is

like it makes me laugh that's fair yeah just seeing like an old Asian dude like move around or like yell it's it's funny I think they were doing I don't know I don't know how funny

it would be because I think they were doing their own thing the thing that makes it funny is when they're acting Western yeah I guess you're right kind of doing it wrong yes

I think you're 100% right you're like you're in a business suit to like jog you're just slightly off there's something funny about it that's exactly what it is yeah yeah because they were it was they were just purely impressed

they were like you know these dudes are fucking legit they went over there and they're like the weird thing though so the Chinese apparently were like if you visited they were like super hospitable Japanese weren't very hospitable I guess at first Chinese were super hospitable and they would even be like you know if my wife

thinks are hot you can fuck my wife but I got to I got to make sure she's cool with it so if you were a house guest they'd be like you can fuck my wife just i got to make sure she's down with it china might not be ass ho china's not ass ho dude china could i think we're getting propaganda that's fucking not assho that is and it's like when was marco polo what like i don't even 15 15 hunts yeah yeah marco polo went over there with his boys and apparently they were just like maybe earlier do you think 13 yeah yeah we were that was mungarians yes

It was apparently it was a Mongolian custom that the Chinese had adopted it. Mongols are freaky fools. Even the last guys you want to see, dude, freaky-ass bulls. Which is funny, that was like, that was an accepted custom at the time. Like, oh, dude, yeah. Here's some food and also. Also, you want a little pussy? Yeah.

Hey, if you're horny, also, you got some pussy here. It'd be rude of me not to have you empty the sack. It's just crazy. I want you to be able to sleep comfortably. You can't go to sleep with a full sack. Come on, man. Plow my wife. my wife please

my wife yeah that was fucking wild man because I was like what if like you know because obviously the Europeans did kind of dominate

culture pretty hard but it's like man if it went the other way what if China dominated us and we all had to cuck out just to be you know nice to be nice I don't say cuck

you know I say it more like the ultimate host kind of way super host Airbnb I'm sorry four point two stars wife's pussy was kind of trash backpack back patio was kind of cool though walls were thin as hell made out of fucking paper fell through the wall in the middle of the night yeah that's just walked right through it hammered right coolated into their fucking bedroom

yeah they were thin wall so you'd be like all right thanks and you would plow the dude's wife behind a piece of construction paper that's why they're quiet That's why they're so quiet They're just generations of like Hey man Fuck that guy Yeah true Fuck that guy

Man that is so That is just like For real I was like reading that I'm like that is so nice To be like you know man You got How long was your

How long was your A bunch of guys? You're on a boat A bunch of guys For six months Dude Come on It's time

Plow my wife But then it'd be crazy If you'd be like Let me check You know wife's like I'm not plow on that dude You'd have to come out to you And be like

Bro My wife's not really fail any dude. Bad news. She's tired again. I got bad news. Your stomach's upset. But I think back, I feel like in, uh, and this is just from reading Shogun, this is, I'm jumping to Japan now. I feel like being a prostitute back then was like somewhat respected. It was like a world. It was called the Willow world. It was like, it was like, you were just totally dedicated to like pleasures. And it was like a, it was like a hor house was like a magical place. You'd be like, it's time for me to go over. Yeah. They always write like that. Yeah. I've seen a lot of those things where it was like, oh, the

What a glorious, it's like, that must have been a fucking shithole. Oh, yeah, well, must have been disgusting. No, they were clean. They were super, super clean. Dude, it was funny, parent, according to European standards. They're like, dude, they're taking like five baths. Oh, yeah, European standards were. They were so bad.

Crazy. They were like, the Chinese take like six baths a month, six baths a month. These guys are the cleanest guys. Who was it? There was like a king that took like three baths in a year. And everyone in England was like this fucking pussy. He thinks he's better than us. He took like three.

He was so metro. He was metro. They probably killed him. I'm like, oh, I might. Fuck. I've been battling for America on the hold fast. Really? The British don't like us.

On video games, everybody hates everybody, so everyone just... Fair. You get some USA chance going with all the other Americans. It's very funny. So what's the war? The thing they're getting us on now is Epstein. And that hurts, dude. Getting called.

They're like... Oh, what about... Your whole country's pedophiles. I know. I was tossing some of them in. What about Prince Andrew, Bruce? Said Prince Andrew. was it bat mount batton who's that guy isn't that the guy's name the IRA blew him up and

i think there's a pedophile their country's literally run by pedophiles dude looking to the royal family yeah but when you're screaming into a headset yeah you don't know he's taking time to fucking hold on guys hold on guys this is you're maligning my country right now yeah dude i was speaking of uh the political debates i watched dave smith's recent debate with this guy from the new york times how to go it's the funniest it might be the funniest video i've ever seen in my life your times is probably not ready for uh it's an ex new york times guy and it's like he comes off right off the bat he comes out hot he's like yeah dude he calls dave smith a holocaust a holocaust a holocaust he actually he actually denies that he denies a holocaust he's a holocaust

he's a holocaust denier nice so he comes out he's like no when did i say that and he brought up a clip from 10 years ago of him with with doesn't look great richard spencer uh 10 years ago and Dave is talking to him and he jokingly he does a joke he obviously says it like you know the fun way being like well that didn't happen as a joke and this guy make that joke it's funny it's a funny joke

when you're with your friend it's kind of run its course though yeah you can't well it's popular yeah people are really hitting that joke yes yeah you can get a nice little to anyone I hear a lot of people ask me like you know what can I do for my podcast it's like honestly if you want to get numbers quick look into some alternative history

some alternative history going next time a host asked me in a comedy club like you know like you have any advice like bro look into it look into LIDAR look into wooden doors base your personality around that all right buy a fuck ton of Bitcoin

because they're going to take your account away but then but yeah he was just like Dave got he bullied him like very it was it was hard to watch because he just bullied this man so hard and then it devolved to the point they started calling each other names

like they're going to fight it was so fucking damn you got it the guy new york times was mad failing new york times hit him with the libs love this they go you're a little man they hit him with little man and then dave hit him with an alt-right attack which is you're wow wow west

damn they really went for it they went nuts it is funny the lives the libs love hitting that You're a little man You buy you a small dick And you're fucking gay And you're like Hold on a second Isn't that

Yeah what the fuck Everything you don't You know I know they do They yeah They love nothing more Than talking about Closeted Republicans

Gay Republicans They're like You guys are all gay And you want to suck They are They are funny Those closet Republicans They're

They're hilarious They're great Yeah we got Let them be Yeah We gotta let them be gay Let the boys be gay They gotta be like

They gotta be like fake Christians I know It's like bro Just suck the dick You love it You love it Also they're more powerful Once Republicans are like

Yeah I'm sucking dick Now the left goes Ah shit Yeah Fuck Because then you can make all the points You can go bro Yeah we need to go to war

If you're a political science major The first thing you should do If you're a Republican Political science major You should be in college Sucking as many dicks as possible So you can wipe the floor With people on the monk debates

I was genuinely talking to my agent yesterday And I was like Dude I think I might just turn gay Yes He's like, once these tickets start drying up, I'm fucking hitting the switch. We're going to be fucking rich. I'm gay as hell now. You can come back, too.

Like, Little Nazex, I think, came back. He got the gay bag and came back and was like, nah. He's not gay now? I don't think he's gay no, Mo. There's no coming back from that, dude. What? He's, yeah, he sucked the devil's dick. Then he had a baby.

He had a baby. Yeah, he had a baby like a couple, maybe like that year. There's a little little nods. It was like the little sparkly troll. It's like, hold me, daddy. Wait, he's a kid That's a troll's deep cut All my friends with kids

Just have the sickest Kids movie references Can you look up the glitter troll Sean? He says he does not have a baby Lemar Des Lies, I've seen it on Twitter Oh, well that's no true

Oh, well Maybe we'll, you know, maybe we'll get a clear answer on that Sean saying Oh, he was pregnant Wait, Little Knives X was pregnant It was a picture of him pregnant On the cover of his album And that was what made you think he had a kid?

I, yeah Fuck, man LaMere, the reputation of this podcast hangs upon the information you provide us Yeah, you guys are supposed to give us good info But if you're saying Little Nas X was pregnant I believe you're right Yeah, the devil works in mysterious ways

Gated the devil head and got pregnant Yeah, but I feel like he walked it back And it was saying like he likes girls too maybe I'm gonna, I swear to I remember this I maybe I was just hoping He does have some great songs He's yeah, little guys ex fucking rules He didn't do

He's bisexual He's bisexual now Yeah well you're clearly gay Yeah I wonder man I don't know yeah I guess he's He came across gay as can be I'm surprised he's like Didn't know what's his name do that too

Who's the gay British guy Blonde hair Politician Political guy Milo Milo Milo yes

He did that Myel had some wild accusations He was saying he Sugged Somebody of high profile Someone of high profile said something He goes yeah that's why I remember I Sugged you

Damn It was an actor actually Now I remember it was like a very high ranking actor guy Wasn't he was trying to talk shit on Milo He was like Like, you know, I gave you head. Yeah, basically. He tried to ruin his life.

Oh, dude, it was Toby McGuire. He claims he sucked Toby McGuire's dick. Oh. He claims he sucked. No way. He sucked Toby. Yeah, he claimed. Toby was saying something.

And Milo, I think, came out of nowhere. I was like, yeah, that's why I sogged yo motherfucker. Oh, no. That's why I sogged your dick, motherfucker. And it was like, take money. It's a good comeback. That's tough, man. I mean, yeah, what a fucking.

Hey, I don't know why. I'm not saying I believe it. I don't know what happened, but. Allegedly. That hurts, bro. I feel like Toby's a pussy getting fell out. I thought he was in the pussy posse. He was in the pussy posse.

Although, like I said, dude. David Blaine, Q-tip. Was it DeCaprio and Toby? It was another hunk, yeah, I don't know. Maybe DeCaprio. I think it was DeCaprio, Toby, David Blaine and Q-tip. They were the Pussy Squad? They called themselves the Pussy Pussy.

What? They would go out and get pussy. Damn, they were doing, they were like. It was probably so cool in the 90s, early 2000s to be like, yo, with a pussy Pussy Pussy. Pussy posse. Although here's a thing. It's like, yeah, they're big time

celebrities. So it's like they're clearly getting pussy. Yeah. The fact that you're setting up the posse is like... And you got a magician in the squad?

That's tough. It's pussy time. Yeah. He's going to... Yeah. He's going to confuse the hose. He's going to hit him with a spell of confusion.

I still get... I still get mystery videos. Remember mystery from the pickup artist on VH1? He's still doing like seminars and shit. We should get him on the pod. He's nice. Yeah, that'd be nice.

Talks about like breaking into sets. remember a set a set is just like a group of girls yeah like how would you if you if you saw a set how would you approach the set i don't know that's i i don't approach the set you wouldn't approach the set i i hold frame led the set i hold the frame yes mystery would agree with that oh nice yeah it's you definitely you don't what he was saying is you don't go up and say i'll probably excuse me clear flashbang probably breach the door quick flashbang grab one of them zip ties If that's your frame, I'm not going to hate your frame. That's your frame.

That's a strong frame. The five of us could easily do that, dude. I need you guys to stack the door of two's on each side. Maybe a battering ram. Yeah, we should bring a ram to the club. Yeah. Just in case they want to lock a door. Kick the door, have the party ball.

Just in case they lock the deal. Preach that, yeah. I'll come in the back with the party ball and just fucking hit them in the mouth. Remember party balls? Dude, they were the sick. I remember going to like my. brother's college party but we have a party ball and I'm like yo that's so much worse than a keg but for some reason so cool yeah there's like it's like two cases of beer and a tiny little ball they were

fucking sick though they were sick but yeah he said you should never if you're approaching a set you want to break into the set you'd never lead with like hey excuse me I'm sorry is why are you excusing yourself and what are you sorry for you never you just you walk up and you say I'm here to talk to you now I got like I I I I'm not denying the guy are all just you just have to be autistic yeah I'm here yeah I'm not sorry about anything I'd like to talk to you yes you have to fucking crazy or but you can't be wanting anything I'm steal out of you if he came over you do I fix the bandit I saw a guy do that I go oh for king in for king George vive la France it's all about not wanting anything you have

to come from a place of abundance and just walk up and be like yo the energy is just crazy in here then just like walk away very Mysterious, walk away. Turn around and be like, don't you wish you could hang out with me? Just like walk away. Just go stand a couple feet away. Then go, all right, it's time to go back in. Dude, the energy's crazy, right?

You're going to go join your four of their boys dressed like a pirate of the Caribbean and just wait for the babes to come over. They are the pirates. Dude, for real. He just wait, dude, dude, he was like the, I think he was like the granddaddy of peacocking. That's where it all came from. That's where Kirby's got it. Yeah. You just come up and you, you know, you break, then you bounce the set to, like.

That has to be the most embarrassing phase to have gone through. Yeah. Like, Gervie's trying to peacock. Yeah. Is the most embarrassing thing I've heard any of our friends do. Stuff. Like getting a big belt buckle. That's what he did.

He went out and got a, like, big belt buckle to try to peacock. Did you ever when you're in college or like younger? Did you ever try to play the numbers game? What's that? Where you just try to talk to some many women as possible? No, I've never, I've never really, uh, just cold called the bays. I'm cold called. I've never cold cold

I've done it You get like nine shots in you You just start walking up like Yeah Actually I probably haven't just don't I guarantee you I haven't just don't remember I've just been hammered by you should we kiss Just

Yeah whatever bitch Just I remember like getting Waking up just like semi blacked out And having like new numbers And just no idea what these people looked like Hey what's going It's never went anywhere Yeah

Yo that was really fun last night We should chill but vibes in here were crazy vibes are fun energy was nuts i'm coming from a place of i'm texting you from abundance right now i'm not desperate to kiss you yeah that uh that's gotta be i feel like for young guys now it's tough yes i i still feel like in terms of making the approach oh yeah yeah the rules have changed the rules have certainly changed you went to a societal shift and you're not out the approach is terrifying approach.

At the bar, I still think the move is and I've seen people do this out and maybe it's just me but I feel like you have to look like you're having more fun than you're actually having and try to attract the babes that way by having like the ultimate like high fives and I remember doing this like semi-consciously

in college being like ha ha ha ha ha ha ha and be like fuck. They don't they don't think we're having that much fun right? This episode of Matt and Shane's Secret podcast is brought you by dude wipes have you left poop streaks and someone else's toilet yeah every time

yeah every single time yeah i did it all week it's a fucking disaster i left a i mean i literally painted my bowl this morning yeah it was crazy it's nothing wrong with that no it was a paint job uh do you ever pack extra underwear when you travel how much extra do you ever need it pretty much an extra pair per day yeah i always bring extra underwear yeah yes not because i'm fucking shitting my pants constantly yeah i just to probably work it out you guys get in here. Do you wipe standing or sitting down? Does it make a difference? What is going on? Dude, dude. How horny are these people? What do they want to know? There's got to be something about standing up, though. I'm a stand-up wiper, honestly. Sitting down, I just smears it. I don't know. I can't

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Available, these guys are really funny. Amazon, it's available on Amazon and at major retailers nationwide. Guys, August 16th, it's coming up. It's next week. It's huge. Yeah, it's huge. Van Andal Arena, Grand Rapids, Michigan. August 16th, it's going to be big.

and then fly back to Atlantic City after that fly right back to Atlantic City Ovation Hall Ocean Casino Resort I wouldn't go to that I would go to Grand Raffout No that's good Oceans will be sick

And this is going to be before or after the race After Oh nice You get to talk about the race on the True That's gonna be yeah it's gonna be a big one Think about that Oh I better the whole time I run

I'm gonna try to get a nice five minutes You get five out of that You definitely will It'll be nice. It's slated to sell out. It might not. We'll see. That'll sell it.

It's very close. It's close. That thing's going to sell out in a heartbeat. I hope it will. I think it will. And, you know, even if it doesn't, we're all going to have a good time. Guys, 8 o'clock p.m., Atlantic City, New Jersey, August 16th, go to. Where did you say you're playing?

Oh, 8 p.m. Van Andal Arena in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Yeah. It's not as good. I was going to do the Atlantic City Arena, but I was like, you know. You know what? I'm not going to do that to my fans. Whatever, you go to everyone you want. I don't even care. August 15th, Little Caesars in Detroit, 16th, Grand Rapids, 23rd, Milwaukee. Millie Walkie, and then September 6th, Notre Dame Stadium.

That would be sick. That's going to be a bomb and a half. That's going to be so bad. But I'm just going to be happy to be there. That'll be tight. It'll be really uncomfortable, but. that's actually yeah now that you say that

that's actually amazing to perform at the stadium you're gonna wear pads you should wear pads bro I'm gonna I'm gonna be a Notre Dame this weekend or tomorrow I go to Notre Dame tomorrow oh yeah yeah

you got strap the pads on line them up are you should wear them for your set if you came out in pads dude and slowly fucking took them off took pads off just just wore football pants sleevel sleevels under armor put a locker room bench on stage

and just sit on it every now and guys dude this is what it's all about the house that Rockney built uh all right go see our shows august 16th in whatever you want to do atlantic city check it out did i went to a bar this weekend it might have been the freakyest bar i've ever seen in my life where was it uh it was in austin it was like in east 6th street and uh i did that birthday party for our friends i did the 5k in the morning second place oh man i forgot about that second place second place we did the show on friday and he was like fuck i forgot to have this

birthday party at 8 a.m. a 5k. I liked it. I liked it because I'm up anyway at 7 o'clock. I hear you, but who's doing that? Why are you doing that?

Gear up, bro. Why are you doing that? My 40th is going to be chilly. We're going to do a 10K. No, 10K. Nice. And I'm going to, well,

I didn't know the round, so I was just following the pack. Did you beat the birthday boy? The last second, I sprinted ahead of him. You have to. I want to. I want it gold. I didn't know. I thought we were doing a full 3.2. Mile. It was it ended up being like a 2.8.2.9. So I didn't even know where the finish line was. Oh, that's nothing at 8 a.m. on a Saturday. I would have crushed that. I would crush that am. Bro. I want a gold so bad. You know what's weird? I've been running at the track. And then you guys went to a freaky bar after. Well, then it was that was, that was morning time. Classic running club shit. Oh, yeah. Freaky bar. Dude, I went to the bar and it was like ingratiated into the Austin community.

not i gotta do this was a gentleman's running club then freak freak jol's a little freak off bro dude this bar the tips the tips were uh it was like 20 25% and then there was 69% you could tip the bartenders every time it got me i'd be like uh-huh just hit every time no it was uh what were people were wearing during the run where the fellows popping the tops off for no it's pretty it was shirts that's good people were rocking shirts that's good i will say it's in defense of running shirtless it's so much better did the babes show out? The babes were there at the finish line. Oh, it was just a guy's 5K? Yeah, the girls ran with the kids. So the girls did like a one-mileer with the kids. Damn, it would have been so embarrassing. I would have gone with the kids. I would have been walking.

Yeah. You could take a shortcut. No one has watched. I would pop my shirt off and walked with the kids. You're going to lift them. Slowly walk with the kids shirt. You should have shot put it. The kids just fucking.

It was sick. I've been like praying for that scenario to like sprint in front of all the watch. And I finally have to do it. Yeah, you get to show them your power. You're coming from a place of abundance, athletic abundance. Yeah, just being like, bro, just I just want you guys to probably like fake laugh as loud as you could to show them that you're having a good time while you're sprinting. Yeah, I was I wasn't salty, but I was like I wanted to run. I feel like I could have got first if you did the three full three point two.

I don't want to like ruin the birthday vibes. Just say it's your birthday. Why the fuck didn't we go full way? Just say your birthday is next week and go. It's five miles. Just me versus one guy. Only invite one guy. Just do a 40-yard dash.

I was going to invite everyone's wives and be like, oh, fuck. I didn't tell you. I ran a race by myself. You should put tickets on sale and get a crowd and don't tell them. This place is packed. This is crazy. That'd be kind of nice. It was fun.

It was a fun way to start. But yeah, we ended up in a freaky-ass bar. It was kind of, it was a little wild. Very freaky place. Yeah. Yeah, it was just fucking weird, man. I haven't been out like that in a while. were people crushing meclubs what were they crushing

it's a runners club tealight those cocktails all right the bartender gave us like he's like I you know I'm gonna give you some shots it was just literally like it was just juice with like a little bit but people kept thinking I was buying shots for this hope I wasn't they're like oh man I'll get I was like dude someone's giving these to me they thought you were buying a bar I thought I was in a gay bar the whole time I was like I went to the dude I'm like yo bro

it was a freaky gay bar I thought it was it because one of the you went to a running club and then a freaky ass gay bar I thought it was a gay bar. It was like, it's not a gay bar. Dude, the roids have gone to your head. No, I'm crazy. No, I went to this bar. You tell me.

So I go to a bar. One of the drinks itself was called like the twitchy twink. Yeah, I swear to God. That's what I thought. And then, dude, I'm ordering a drink for me and Brittany. And a guy goes like, how's it going? And I'm like, okay, the guy's being, I'm in a gay bar. And I told the party I was with, I'm like, this is a gay bar.

And they're not a fucking gay bar. I was like a dude just talked to me This is definitely a fucking gay bar And they're like no it's not a gay bar But but then someone I was with got kind of pressed by a lady It was like intense Nice Yeah this lady just like walked up to him and just stared at him

And then and I was like I thought you knew her and he was like no I was like what we're the kind of freaky ass place were you in Yeah And then she walked back with a dude And locked eyes with him again I was trying to tell him I'm like bro You might have to bull out to him

Is he a single man? No hell no He was a married man Yeah Which is sick Maybe she was Chinese Hmm? Maybe her husband was a Chinese

He was like This is a nice bar Why don't you drain your sack In my wife? Drink a couple Twitchy Twinks I sort of got It was the freakiest place

I've ever been to in my life I mean it might just be me My sexual vibes Are crazy You're probably So worried It's insane You're probably so worried

I finally Finally What the fuck is this All the guys are trying to fuck me everyone wants to fuck 69% yeah i was i was getting just hitting the 69% on the little thing i was like oh fuck she knows finally got blessed that night i got blessed that's good i got to the 5k you got to get blessed 5k and i it was also a drunk wife action drunk wife action drunk wife action bro is the best you get freaky ass john it's the best yeah she was yeah it was

nice so i you know i don't want to get graphic but i am going to I just want to paint the picture for the benefits, dude, of, you know, my new lifestyle. Yeah. My austere lifestyle. Bro, I could have went again, swear to God. You're out of control, man. I could have ran it back. Why didn't you?

I tried. Oh, damn. You got stuffed on the two-point conversion. Got stuffed. We got stuffed. We called for two. It would have been a high pregnancy risk, though, because she, she was like, it was that time. Yeah.

I mean, I caught the. I mean, it was like the planet's fully lying. You got to turn two on the CP. It was two. It was full ovulation, drunk wife, which is the best. Yeah. I was coming off of, I claim it was a 14-day retention. My wife's like, you're so dramatic.

It was maybe like seven. I'm like, bro, it was four fucking. I want to start dotting the calendar. So I have proof. You should. Because I swear to God, it was 14 days. At this point, why not? What's holding you back at this point?

You should have it in your family's kitchen. I that's the calendar I'm talking about well that's absurd you can't just just a tiny dot you literally can't do that just like you can't just a tiny dot you have kids they don't know what it is someday they will just a tiny day they're gonna see this episode

and go that's what those fucking dots were ew or they'll be like oh you're gonna be dead by that you can be roided out you can have a roid rage on the highway you can't fucking jump in front of a car and go stop yeah

dude you can't put no cum dots on your family calendar just daddy's dots dude it's disgusting one look just a tiny flicking of bag dude if I found out my daddy was putting dots on the calendar oh

it's like you don't care that I'm being gaslit potentially I'm being fucking gaslit keep the calendar dude it's somewhere private I want my wife to see it show her keep in your bedroom nah yeah true

No, yeah, just my own special, I should get my own special counter of like motorcycle babes and put it all my Yes. Yes. I might start hanging up like study hard posters in my room. For sure. Just like horny college dorm post. You should. That'd be awesome. I could start with like a tasteful kind of like artwork of like a new lady. And then those two girls kissing. You remember that one? That was like a famous, it was in every college dorm. It was two hot chicks in bed. Oh yes. Yes. I know exactly you're talking. about it was too much i might get some like afrocentric erotica and just like put it up like and it's like i think it's a school it's a beautiful art it's a beautiful art and then slowly start stepping it down like this is more like pop arts a collage i made myself yeah with a couple magazine i made i cut them out me and the kids sat down and did arts and crafts and cut out babes sort of babe collage now like great school women put like all the hunks the hunk collage you should just put get a fucking hunk collage would be nice would be sick i might

You put yourself in it? You put like you and Robert Pattinson and Timothy Chauvet. Hunk collage is sick. Bro, I might make my wife a hunk collage. Toss all your boys in it too. Just get the cool hunks and then toss all of us. I'll get the best pictures of all of us, dude. It'll be like, and we'll make Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club, man.

It's just hunks and hunked. Dude, hitting your wife with like a, you know, like a retro, like a corkboard hunkclosh for her birthday? then yeah just like I'll get in a good shape so I can take like pictures of myself as well I might just go full boudoir do like a one-on-one you should boudoir section and give it to my or boudoir session give it to my wife would be nice I'd be so happy if I found out you did that boudoir yeah I mean it would probably end our relationship but I did a boudoir photo shoot for my life I'd be furious why that would be so funny to be funny yes that's obviously great Yeah.

Just you in a fucking, what are those called? Like a, what's the thing that tightens your corset? Corset. Corset, but just dick and nuts out. That'd be nice. Yeah. They make men shapewear, by the way. I might have to get into that.

Yeah, get some men shapewear. Just like fucking pop the fucking size and. I'm on a mission now to get shredded by the way. Pop the size and just get giant knockers. Yeah. Have everything sticking out. Dude, I got, I was, I was confident in my body. recently and my my youngest daughter came up to me she made a like a plato ball and she's like

here dad is for you and i was like thanks she's like yeah it's fat like you are and i was like all right i had it just be like all right she should have fucking hit her well i was like yeah he ran a six right now we now we talk yeah true she was shot the legs immediately i was like well actually i'm doing more performance-based goals i don't care about aesthetics right now and then i was like i was shirtless in front of a mirror i was telling it to brittney and she like laughed and smacked my ass and it like dude it in my ass shook my side shook and then my

belly it all like went all the way up to the top and I was like I need to lose fucking 10 pounds this is bullshit that's crazy she hit a chain reaction jiggle then she commented on it she goes oh my god man it got it moving and I was like it's being fucking devastated in this house girl you're in girl worlds I was raised in the darkness

I was born in the darkness you got to plow through it dude you gotta go I don't give a fuck that's what I'm saying fuck you lady yeah let's race dude let's fucking I'll race my whole family. Let's fucking fist fight right now. I'm definitely doing the dots on the calendar now that I think about it. Yeah, true.

I didn't know the kids were talking shit too. Yeah, it's dot time. Dots. Yeah. Daddy's dots. I'll have my good back. Can you put a dot on that for Daddy real quick? Oh my God.

All I'm saying is the last time. That way I can like, she's like, you're being dramatic. I can walk downstairs, take a picture and say here. July 14th. Yes. That was my last chrome. That was my last one. Try to beg for the back.

The back-to-back would have been nice. It would have been awesome. It was tight. You feel really good about yourself when you turn two like that. Yeah. Yeah. I haven't done that in forever. But here's the thing.

There was no guarantee. I could have obviously lost it as soon as I could have lost my helium as soon as I put it in there. But sometimes you lose your helium. Honest attempt. Sometimes you go for it. Stuffed on the goal. Yeah. You got stuffed in the one, dude.

That happens. That's good then. Now you've got field position. True. Now they're going to play out of the back of the end zone. We got, come on. True. But yeah, dude, I'm telling you,

I hit the rocks, man. What do you got? You guys have an issue? I'm in a really vulnerable place right now. You guys whispering is not helping me. What were you whispering about? Oh, my gosh, dude. What's going on with your big show?

No, I like that. Why can't we talk about it? Oh, is there something negative happening with the big show? Every time I check in with you guys, you're like talking shit on someone. Yeah. Yeah, I had to have a chance. chat with the boys oh no yeah we were drinking really had to get fellas held the council you guys got stop with this negativity it's true just do it true but you know who am i to judge i was

okay gay all right just edit it out and tell me wow wow west that happens and we're back yeah it was it was a slightly gay yeah slightly gay you guys are sensitive could have waited The three of you are fired up. You guys are fighting for your fucking lives down here. Was it like that in Philly? No. You guys weren't so aggressive back then. No, I was.

I was in Philly. Yeah, I remember you in Philly. You turned into a little nasty fuck there. I'd get wind of it. You'd be in Hilling like, I'm the fucking best. I'll bury anybody here. I've been very nice down here. Yeah, you can't do that.

Well, you guys were seniors in high school. Now you're college freshman. Yeah. Now you're 40-year-old freshman. it's just growing pains dude you guys will be all right i can't talk i've been bombing i've been chucking up fucking eggs dude at open mics you guys just all part of the process it is and that's the hardest part i'm not good at that i can take bro i can i can i can bomb and just hit the road whistle and just be like right yeah i did it i mean it didn't feel great last night i was like

yeah it was it's not the best in the world especially when you're like when you're like literally just your mind falls apart and you're like y'all yeah i'm i fucking stink right now i was like they're about to get hit with a real pro it's about to change the fucking tone of this 12 people in the room and it's just instantly come out and be like i've been depressed for two weeks and uh i don't know guys i'm sorry i don't know why i started like that 12 people in the room is a guaranteed it's gonna be a bad show i know it was it was bad but still i wanted to hold frame i was not coming from a place of abundance yeah i think you bragged about your abundance isn't that i did yeah he said i was depressed

And I was like, yeah, I'm too motherfucking loaded to be depressed, dude. People are like, yeah, I hate you more now. Yeah, I'm depressed, bro, I'm so rich. Yeah, all right, kill him. Give him still. I thought it would be funny. It is funny. I thought it would be.

It was funny to me. That's funny. I laughed. I was on the bird scooter on the way home. I was like, that was funny. Yeah, fuck down. Dude, I was on the scooter today. Catch an air on airport Boulevard.

It was crazy. I got a new ramp. There's a new ramp. There's a new ramp on airport Boulevard. Really? Yeah. I was on the way to the gym. There's a new ramp.

I was catching. I was like just praying to God. I'm like, please let someone I know see me ramping on airport Boulevard. That's all I want. How much air do you think you caught? That's a lot. On a line?

That's a lot. It's a lot. It's a heavy fucking vehicle. I surprised myself. I can kind of bunny hop them if I'm being honest, but getting a little ramp like full speed downhill is felt good. Felt good, dude. Also, too, in the, uh, I was there's a, I've been noticing a new evolution.

at the gym so you know there are tortoise right yeah i've i've i've i've i've only it's pretty rare but i've seen some tortoise are going towards the weights and they're there might be a new form yeah it's a blast toys when the tortoise the tortoise they're getting jacked and you following into blast hoises it's kind of nice i've seen some blast toys i know a couple blast toys i've followed their instagram i've watched them transform into full blast toys it's fucking nice yeah yeah yeah It's a good move. I've noticed women getting into, like, bodybuilding. Yes.

They call it, like, bikini model fitness competition. Yeah. Have you seen that on a... You ever follow an IG lady that changed you to life and became a... I knew someone in real life who did this a while back. They became, like, a female... It's not like a full bodybuilder. They get shredded, dude. They get shredded.

And then they do blackface for the competition like the guys do. It's fucking crazy. Yeah, it's pretty wild. They get trumped up. I guess when you do blackface like that, it shows your muscles more. it does for sure for real yeah you black body out yeah it shows your muscles more that's all it is that's why dude you guys can't tell i'm fucking jacked i know i'm just too pale those competitions too like they a lot of those guys get naked for the spray tan for sure yeah

so like the bodybuilding competitions you go back and you just bust out dung and a lady just sprays you down it's pretty crazy that's crazy the bodybuilding world is definitely one of the most wild things and like it's fucked up it's a wild group of people it's a wild group of bros yeah but would you I don't know I feel like I would just still like I'd be like you can just hit my legs I'm not showing yeah just have a pale patch right in my fucking

bikini just cubes pop it out but yeah the the female fitness model thing is is kind of weird do any bodybuilders not do the tan it'd be nice to hit it with just full pale you yeah no I think they all hit

the spray tan and I guess if you're like a black body builder you just oil up big time hit the baby oil so i think there's something about you want to get like glistening it you want to get like wet and glistening looking that's fucking weird you're trying to win the competition i know what do they win like protein powder they really you win you win for real like a trophy and you yeah you win like a protein powder might be like we'll sponsor you it is nice to have that trophy yeah it's fucking most jack dude in the region yeah it's fucking sick can you guys i think bodybuilding gay. I mean,

everyone thinks it's gay. Everyone thinks is gay. Yeah, it's like super gay. I mean, tell that to Lou Forigno, bro.

Yeah, there's some cool ass fucking Jack dudes. Arnold, Lou Friigno, Ronnie Coleman. It was Ronnie Coleman the black dude? Yeah.

Ronnie Coleman rules, dude. Yeah, don't make me talk bad about Ronnie Coleman. Well, you just called him gay. You called him gay.

Well, yeah. That's not bad. You got, I'm telling you, that's not bad. become nasty little fuck look at you throwing your boys under the bus not me nasty fox i'm zandini no you're not zendini talks crazy no i am the zandini talks crazy especially after my mudda left

i am embarrassed i am embarrassed i don't feel italian and then my mudda comes around and i just love her so much it's embarrassed yeah that's so crazy it's the most italian yeah you're definitely out Irish. You bring your mom around, you go, oh, my God. I miss my mother. I love my mommy. Yeah, but I don't want to fucking hang out with her. Yeah, I guess we don't...

I love her, but... Yeah, we don't chill. We don't have a lot of comments. We don't really have good conversations. Yeah, I just see her. I just see her in her house. Yeah. That's why I like to talk to my mommy.

Guard dog was trying to bring her to the fucking bar with us. No, I was just busting your chops. I think you were feeling it out a little. I did not a while. What do you think? He was filling it out. No, that's not true. It settled.

I wouldn't do that. It settled. You could bring Mommy. I did have the plumbing issue where I almost had, my house was almost filled with girl poop for a moment. All the women in his life were dumping his house and fogged us. They were probably saving it for your house. We went to Terry Blacks and they got home in my sewage. All the way from Jersey.

They brought that down south. That was an airdrop. A nice jersey girl, girl. Jersey fucking dump. A nice sub for the fucking. A nice jersey sub. Yeah, hoagies. Dang, so they were dumping out in your house big time?

Yeah, yeah. Remember my mom collapsed the ceiling? It's the funniest thing in the world. Mine poops. Yeah, I still hold it down girl dumps are. Unbelievable how bad they are. We had to go somewhere else so they could all defecate. Huh?

We had to go someplace else. You had to take them to the YMCA to drop. Drop dump. We went to the bar so they could poop. You went to the bar to take dumps? Yeah, there's one like right around the corner from my house. Damn. You had to load up the car and go, all right, everybody,

wait until everybody has to shit and then we'll go. Yes, that's exactly what I did. I mean, that's kind of how we do it. Yeah. Get to the bar and you go, oh, fuck, I forgot the shit. Was it a, uh, was there a two, because they go like side by side? Do they have to wait? Uh, there is a few bathrooms, so they all just went at once.

No way. Did you stay? They all went at once? I think, like, they were all. holding it and they all like embarrassingly were like we all have to poop like one by one so I was like all we could go someplace yeah we can we can hit this and you said you should have monitored the bathroom and let them know if the smell level is going to do that I didn't do that all right guys flush it come on flush it oh but Johnny Ruder saves me shout out to

Johnny Ruder plumbing nice I love you 24 7 plumbing that's nice it's really funny when the family dumps we used to race after after church oh god yeah the after church race to the toilet that's the whole family of big dogs are just rumbling to the turlet me and my brothers he's a race

to the turlet after church but for different reasons nefarious reasons to get rid of that dot there were no dots

on the calendar in the McCusker house the Nicky Secret catalog would come into the house and it would just be tribal warfare the whole time

dude dude you fucking yeah just first one gets it it would I mean this is graphic

but first one get it would fucking glaze it would fucking glaze it right away it would just be fuck it would just be stuck Jesus Christ

dude it's so fucked up it was crazy I could I when I was a little boy I had to fucking spray the magazine everything I couldn't not do it

like when I was a little kid I was just like I sprayed a Maxim once felt real weird about it I fucking loved it yeah I would spray it wipe it off and just fold it up and like put it in a juror

and be like all right those page my little secret those pages are done and I would just work my way through yeah that's kind of fun tear the the page out.

It's kind of fucked up. Flush it. You have to destroy it, yeah. Put it right back together. Thing weighs fucking 10 pounds by the end of it. Just men in big white suits are to have to come take it away. Dang, dude. Yeah, the race back from church was nice.

Yeah. Dumping. I told you they used to make me run, right? No. My family, it was a fun game we had. They would make me get out of the car at the entrance to my neighborhood and race the car home. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, I thought it was fast as shit.

I would fall every single time. I'd hit a curb every single time. They thought it was the funny. It must have been so funny. It's hilarious. See me sprint home from church. Just in like a khakis. Yeah, I was saying a striped polo shirt and khakis just falling.

It's so funny. Were they keeping the car kind of closer? They were keeping the car exactly my speed and like speeding up. So I'd be like, oh. Yeah, it was good shit. that is such a funny thing to do to be like I'll fuck you're being a faster than the car this is crazy oh that's awesome

yeah yeah it's a weirdly tradition as a kid I had up into like high school I had the most outlandish sense of confidence about so many different things yeah that slowly just got all that had to be like oh shit alright fuck god damn it

I'm not fast at all I'm not that strong being fast was such a flex damn you're a kid yeah it's funny hyping like especially boys be like damn bro you're fast as hell they'll instantly be like you think so and yeah take off yeah it's so like oh my god dude yeah now though it's kind of I think it's embarrassing to be fast

what I mean just like a fast guy yeah what are you fucking fast for I mean no not coming to you not coming to you I know you're flying I want to make sure I don't know what side of falling this if I were to do like a 115 400 this morning like would I be if you ran a 115 400 i'm not talking fast like uh i'm not talking distance here talk about just a dude this you know working in an office is fast as hell i know it's crazy i see him every morning there's dudes i watched some track uh yesterday did you really i watched some track and field what who was uh it was a u.s qualifiers uh some fucking high school kid got top three he was 16 years old he ran like i forget what it was like he ran the 800 it was it was

insane how fast he was yeah I saw those handicapped swimmers man they were fast as shit dude they were 50 meters doing I think they were doing like 22 seconds 50 meters 22 seconds it's crazy they didn't seem too fucking handicapped

they were fucking flying dude I didn't see any I didn't really see a lot of missing fucking things I think their legs were fucked I think they were all arms there was a couple guys that were all arms yeah there's one guy without arms what dolphins underwater it's

fucking crazy yeah you mermaid's out the whole way you know that's crazy I didn't know that yeah who you guys looking at you guys are talking speed and made me think of this guy

he's just he just grabs things really fast as he's the man he's the man that's kind of nice that's just nothing game about that yeah no you see like the serious runners at the track and they're like

they're freaks dude they're I did the 400 gave it my all and there was a guy who was just doing that pace just not stop around the track I was just like bro I don't I don't know how you do that although he was fucking ripped I'm fat as hell

so Matt come on man you've got a perfect bod right now I thought I thought I did I thought I did Matt your bod's fucking rocking I thought my bod was rocking but it's your bodck's rocking dude don't let those little fucks get in your head dude they're killing your daughter's getting your head I was just they're learning they're learning the ways of the woman

oh they're killing dude crush me and also now Chloe if I drop anything she goes fuck that's awesome because she's heard me say it so many times So I won't even say it. I'll drop something. Just fuck. That's awesome.

It's so fun. Yeah, when little kids swear it's... Especially when they know, like, the right context. Yeah. I'll be like, dude, no, you're good. Don't, you don't have to do that. You're like, okay. Fuck.

Yep. So nice. Anytime I call my sister, she's on speakerphone and the kids are in the car and I never know. So I'm like, this fucking guy, the kids immediately, you hear Anthony like, fucking, fucking. Katie, be like, hey, you don't say that. You hear him laughing. You're like, damn.

Yeah, the keys are not freaked. you'd be like okay or if you go if you like calmly or go yeah that's a really bad word they're like what no i didn't know that that's serious stuff that's a bad word they're gonna get you and they're scared of the police you at kids was like yeah the police could come get you i remember i remember the fear of the police prank called 911 once from the park and a cop showed up just ran through a field crying yeah brittany be like i don't want them to be afraid of the police i'm like dude I'm sorry, but I'm definitely going to use this on them every time. I have to have.

That's fine. I just call the police officers. They're like, no, no, no, yeah, yeah. I told you, Maya found out I had gone, I had gotten arrested before. She was talking about, like, cops getting bad guys, and I was just like, you know, I got arrested once? She was like, what? Yeah.

What happened? I was just being bad. It was being a bad guy. She was like, it was actually really sweet. She was like, it's okay. I love you, even though you got arrested by the police. I was like, thank you, Ma. That's really nice.

She thinks if you get arrested. She thinks they're like. a monster. She really thinks cops are out there getting like, like, you know, people from like TV shows who were like trying to like decimate cities. Yeah. So whenever like someone's pulled over, she's like, that guy was trying to blow up Austin. Yeah. For real. That guy. She's like, oh my God. That guy has a nuclear bomb in his car. I think there's like a real like super villain. I can't judge. I think that. I see someone getting pulled over. I'm like drugs. Drugs in the truck. There could be a shootout right now. If there's more than one cop car, I'm like,

This is fucking serious. Apparently they have to do that. They're like supposed to have someone else. They were like, who we have anything better to do? It's like they need another guy there, apparently. Yeah, that happens every time. I think that happened us in South Carolina.

It happens all the time. Yeah, they pull up. One guy gets you and then another call comes. You're like, oh, great, fellas. You guys are really fucking bringing out the whole force for this. It was jaywalking, huh? It was nice when the older cops gave the young cop hell. And he was like, oh, nice.

You got some jaywalkers. Nice work, guys. Yeah, that was awesome. Yeah, that fucking rolled. Yeah, being a cop That's a great night I came close That was a

I remember being just drunk enough To talk shit to the cops Yeah, oh dude I thought for sure I was so stoned And you can't You weren't even talking shit You were just laughing at the guy

To his face Yeah, that was great He'd be like you gotta do this And he'd be like Bad I was like come on Please don't let us get rested I don't want to get arrested

Yeah That guy he was He was a fucking dork He stunked Yeah Young cops are for real the worst The young gungho Out of the Academy

I mean, like sped up to try to like almost fucking hit us. Yeah, it was kind of nuts. He was so far away. I was across the street. Yeah, well, I was moving a little slow. My church days. No, no, no. You were ahead of me.

I waited. You ran across and I waited and I saw the cops get you and I was like, I just got to go over there. Maybe I can smooth it out. And he was like, I had a giant bowl in my pocket. I didn't fucking like wizard pipe this big in my pocket. And he was like, and I was like, I thought I was going to buy, I was going to buy like honesty points. And I was like, it was like a 20 year old cop. I was like, uh, I just want to be honest here.

I do have a pipe on me. It's a giant, very ornate thing. I feel like you gave, didn't he give it back? I feel like he gave it back. I think he may have. I think he gave me. That was all the veteran. Yeah.

I showed up. I was like, dude, what are you doing? He definitely didn't smash it. I'd remember. He was being real serious. Oh, he's such a dickhead about it. Do you have any weed on you? I said, no, sir.

No. Smoked it all. Chiefed it. Who chiefted it. Your honor. Who chipped it. How nice were the nose? oh yeah dude great trip hotel pools so fun that was all driving too yeah it was a good time

nothing but driving that was nice as a feature you brought your own support crazy crazy move yeah they never worked with me again and then we just heckled the fucking headline it all time it was a real dickhead move no that was warranted man he was yeah he was being a dickhead But if I were him, I would have been so sad. If the feature brought a host and they were mean to me. I was making fun. For like two weeks.

We stayed in the same place. I remember, I do remember at one point I was getting, I was getting assy toward the guy. And it was, yeah, it was just too hard not to. Yeah, it was a dork. It was a huge, there was blood in the water. And we were abusing substances. Getting drunk and be like, fucking dork, bitch. Shut the fuck off, dude.

Just in the comedy kind of Shut Shut the fuck up Yeah that's dude That's the That was the Dave Smith debate It was for real A pure bullies

It was a bully sesh He just bullied the guy The whole He like laughed in his face Bullied him The guy was being ridiculous But just it was like It was rough

Just watching it It was like a pure I mean it was literally like a Like a New York Times Nerd Yeah Who just couldn't He couldn't have

He couldn't come up With like any cool comebacks yeah and it was just Dave Smith who's been type of guy you really want to punch in the belly in the oh yeah dude the New York Times guy especially when he hit finally to go because he'd be like at first he was like play the video

they play he plays a video from 10 years ago gets literally Dave laughs in his face it's like you were a fucking loser and the guy doubles down and goes play it good he's like why would he play again just play it good and it was dude it was rough man it was so bad

then eventually he took the bait and he goes you're just a little man, a little man from Brooklyn and I'm not afraid of you. Oh, I'm not afraid of you. I'm not afraid of you. Wow. They've hit him with tough talk.

Hit him with like the tough guy Zoom and be like, oh, you're pretty tough on Zoom, aren't you? He's, you're a little man. And Dave stunned him

with the Moab. And he goes, you can tell it hit him too, man. That does hit you. If somebody genuinely hits you with the Moab, dude, that fucking hurts.

A Zoom Moab. Zoom. And you can tell, like you're sitting back with his fucking wife in bed after. How does Zoom go? I'll tell you, the guy called me a... Oh, that's not good. I called him a scared little man. By the way, when you say scared little man, I hate to break it to you, what you're essentially calling somebody is the Moab.

Yeah. They're dancing around it. They dance around the world. You're a scared little man in a pink sweater. Yeah, yeah. You walk kind of funny And you kiss guys You're calling someone gay

If you're going to get a little man You're a feminine little man But yeah that was I highly recommend watching that It's very very very To watch That sounds great We should give it a watch

In between It's very fucking funny Yeah switch over Let's watch it now And then switch to the page Let's do it Let's watch it now and then switch to the page.