Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 572 - Gabriel (feat. Gabe Davis)

Episode Date: August 14, 2025

Watch the Matt's New Short 'Papa John Paradox' OUT NOW! @ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9pviJr0JdfU Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Go See Lemaire Lee Live @ https://lemairelee.fun/ yo0o0o0. wuz gud. Here we are with your weekly cast. Today we're joined by legendary D.A.W.G. & bro Gabriel Davis. Hope everyone is having a blessed week. Please enjoy. God Bless. Get DUDE Wipes at Amazon and retailers nationwide. Download the PrizePicks app or visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/DRENCHED today and use code Drenched to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

The Wild Wild West. Yeah, let's do it. Hey, we're live. Welcome to Matt and Jane's Secret Pot. We're here with special guest, Gabriel Davis. Yes, sir. You. Gabe, so how are you?

I'm good. Doing good. Nice. Energy in here is a fucking wild. Energy is crazy. Energy is uncomfortable. It's like, it's like one.

It's an entourage. I know. It's sick. Entourage. There's fucking seven guys here. You guys all day just kept being like, yo, is it cool if another guy comes over? It does feel like a great.

grade school dance, one of the boys are lined up against the wall, but there's just other boys on the other side of the wall. It's an all-boy dance. The dorks are nervous, the podcast are nervous. It's the dorks and the jocks, dude. We're going to get wedgied. Yes. Dude, it's going to be sick. Dude, you made fun of my fucking hat a minute ago. No, I did, dude. That was crazy. I said, I like the hat. I was nervous about the hat. I almost gave it to Nate right away. Why? Because it's a cool hat, and I don't like wearing cool hats. Why do you think I was about that's a sick hat? No, you smiled when you said it. You know, I said it. You know, I You know that's nasty, you know that's fucking nasty.

You smiled when you can't laugh and give a compliment. I smiled going, the Beezer would love that hat. That's why I smiled. The Beez is going to get his hands on this hat. I'm giving him this hat. I like, I genuinely like the hat. And then I thought of how much the Bees would like that hat. I smile.

That's all. Yeah, but if you give someone a compliment and smile while you're doing it, it's clearly an insult. It wasn't. It wasn't a net. Yeah, it was a cool shoes. Fuck. Nassy, dude. I just thought about how much.

I know it's race week. I know it's race week. I know it's race week. I know it's week and you're tacit you're roid raging

again dude he rages on my hat I just I can sigh I can like a hat and laugh about how much

the bees would cover the hat bees would go nuts for this hat that's what I thought about him on a couch being like yo that's

I miss the bees I know miss the bees you have you have you met the bezer no he might have been in Buffalo

no no he wasn't I never met him no he might have flash by you he wouldn't even see him he's the man he bezes around he'd flash right by

he wouldn't even he's like a bird he's posted he's posted up at bonners now you can find the bees yeah you find him at bonners yeah that's nice go down to bonners meet the bees little bees they have a little bees house he just buses by dips his beak he leaves blizz was it you know somebody was just telling me about blizz and blizz and him we're going to go get lunch he was supposed to meet him there and he blizz was riding his bike and he rode past bonner's and he was blizz was late and he drove past bonner's was out there just smoking a cigarette in front of bar he was like aren't we

supposed to meet for lunch he's like yeah i'll be there what the hell he's like a dad he wasn't going he just wasn't going to go he's gonna stay at bonners we got to get you to bonners what is that it's just a nice bar in philly it's a good time yeah philly rules what are you hinting at am i'm gonna go to philly what are you doing there they got enough they got enough they got enough out there They got enough out there. Yeah. I can't do that. Those boys are all paid and making plays.

I can't. Yeah, those goes great. Could do it again this year? Nah. I can't believe you turned on me at the beginning of the episode. You made fun of my hat and you juiced. I didn't make fun of that. You're juice to the gills and it's affecting everyone, dude.

It's race week and you're juiced. The cycle must be crazy this week. Dude, he's just a she legit, man. It's just a she legit. The fucking she legit. It's like, this uh i don't know i feel like uh muslim guys get it from like mountains or something well they're always jacked i know they're jacked that's high t that's the most high t religion there is

religiously yeah probably most high t religion yeah for sure can't do anything yeah it's high t dude making women cover themselves up like that i mean to say it's high t amish is a good high tea super high t yeah omish is crazy high t amish is so high tea that like you might fuck around a man of your cousin that is the highest form of tea only dudes with high t only dudes with high tea, thought their cousins were hot as fuck growing up. Only, your tea is so high. You're like, yo, my aunt, I would

fuck my aunt. That's high tea, dude. You got to have a lot of tea to, like, kiss your cousin and be like, what? You have high tea, real. You definitely want to fucking have a fucking ant. Yo. No.

You have a hot ant? Yeah, you follow on. No. No. Dang. You do have probably... I only got, like, one aunt. I don't even know my other aunt.

So you're saying she's not hot. That's just going to see this. It's so mean. No, she's not there. She's not hot. She's just, she's my hand. That's wild. True.

There's some hot ants kicking around. There are. Yeah. Is your hand hot? No. What about ants that marry into the family? There's ants that marry into the family. You can say that hot.

All my aunts that marry in the family, I like call them every now and again. I'm like, yeah, you look so beautiful. Yeah, you look so cold. I almost said, you know, right? Yeah. Uncle Blank is so. lucky he said his name i told you i got drunk and told my cousin how beautiful she looked at her wedding right you look like helen of droid they're like all right man let's get him out of here

do you look so beautiful up there that was just that was a low point we are getting to the age though we can start telling women how beautiful they are and it's like not the big of a deal yeah if you see a woman dressed up at all i'm like you look beautiful you look stunning yeah you go to yeah you're at applebees some guy some like old man just like old man just hit Brittany with that. I was like I have no agenda. I just want to say he was beautiful. I no, it wasn't bus a bus a bus. Motherfucker, bus a bus. But fucking kissed my wife's hand, dude. I leave the room for one second. Comes back in, he's like, oh my God, Buster Rimes kissed my hand. I was like, one of my, one of my home girls

had a, had a run it with Buster Rimes. He did the same thing. He did the same thing. He's a hot titty. Like in the club, in the club, he like walked up to him was like, I just want to tell you the most beautifulest girl in here. He should be autistic. Yeah, yeah. I've seen autistic dudes. No, he's on that. Yeah. It's six. Sigma grind. It's total Sigma grind. I don't even care what happens. I just want to tell you you're beautiful and just walk away. Yeah. It's a good move. It's a good move. I told my wife I'm going to start. She told me about it. I was like, I'm going to start doing it to every lady I see then. If it's such a nice thing. Yeah. That's fine. If it's okay. Yeah. That's my plan for

2026. I'm going to do that. I'm going to try to get a ton of female friends just so I can be like, oh, dude, she's so fucking funny. You should send me this thing. It's so you guys, you guys should hang out. It's a really great move. Just do everything your girlfriend says is not a big deal. fine if we can do this like dude Kimberly just sent me a meme you guys have like similar sense of humor you guys will love each other we should all hang out there I'm gonna go to the beach with my friends from college of course a couple of my guys

it's gonna be fun we're gonna get a beach house do you know who actually does this who hoss you trash dog in the press conference he called one time and he's scared in hoss's head before the fight he texted brittany one time and he goes I'm on a girl's trip and she was like oh he must be talking to his wife and hoss like no

it's just like my friends from college it's like a girl's trip but I go on it too Jesus Christ What an animal He's a beat He's high tea He's the highest tea You can have

Going on the girl's trip 10040 Crazy What we were friends That's crazy You would You go on girls trips Mm-mm

Hello And we're back I'm deleted I always Oh you got to bring the mic up Oh my back What do you ever Like come across those dudes

Or like yeah I was just kicking it With my home girl Last night It's like What are you talking about dude your best friend your girl best friend it's like what do you do what do you do you know man unless you're having sexual intercourse yeah obviously but at that point you can't call them

your home girl that's crazy yeah yeah i had a guy called a male called a girl a fuck buddy last night yeah i don't like that i don't like that i don't like lady friend Sean said that one time i said what the fuck who the hell do you think you are lady friend that's just my lady friend we gotta get out of here everyone's mean dude it's stranger girlfriend wife this is a complete stranger to me. That's what I say about all of them. Never met this woman. That's how I introduced my girlfriend to people. I go, this is a complete stranger. I just met her earlier.

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That's fucking gold. Yeah, that was great. Dude Wives, available at retailers nationwide and Amazon. Yeah, we support this product. For sure. Dude, speaking of strangers, I recently got, I got, like, accepted into a spider league or invited to a spider league. What's that? I didn't know what it was at first, but I was like, what?

It's basically you take pictures of spiders you see around, submit it to chat, GBT, saying, like, hey, identify the spider and rate one from 100, how dangerous it is to other spiders. submit the chat gbt with the picture and then you're in like a tournament bracket where you're fighting spiders against other people dude that's awesome just found a false widow today danger rating 75 i've had a couple for i've had two picks so far 85 and 75 damn it's like it's real life Pokemon go yeah it's fucking awesome it's fucking awesome it's the false widows huh do it dog or just to be tight too a black guy no i'm talking about that come on my bad i didn't mean to put you on the spot like that

What am I rating B, though? You, your rating is high as fuck, dude. You're dangerous. You're scary fucking psycho. True. I've seen him talk shit to, like, you and Spencer, that was, when you would talk shit to Spencer Brown, I was like, Gabe, chill. You're like, no, I'll beat the fuck out of it.

I mean, they're joking, but. No, for sure. No, I got something against Spencer, like, low key. You think you could beat up Spencer? Yeah, because he's so big and he thinks because he's so big, he can, like, beat people up, but I feel like he's, he's soft and so big. Nah. Spencer is soft as fuck, though.

I don't know, dude. He's playing fucking football. He's pretty... Nah, I beat his ass. How bigs this guy? Gigantic. Six, nine, like 300? Bro, he's huge.

It's like the Undertaker. He's literally the Undertaker. He was the one who was playing... The Dave and Busters. I was on Mushrooms watching him play fucking video games. I was just like... Fuck. He was terrifying.

Yeah, yeah. That would be kind of scary on Mushroom seeing giant guys. I've seen a giant guy play a kid's game. Oh, fuck. I was like, damn, dude. We used to have Vikings. now they're just at fucking Dave and Busters. It's crazy.

That guy should be burning a village. So he's hanging out with LaMere and Dave and Buster's Buffalo. That was a great time. That was the best time. That was an awesome time. That was literally the best time. Yeah. Yeah, I saw the one guy, I think it was the SNL after party.

He tried to grab like your jacket or something. You had some pretty quick movements. Remember your SNL after party? There's a guy with a backpack who was trying to make everyone do drugs or, Pretty much make Shane do drugs with them. And he was like, go away, go away. Did not. And you were like, dude, get out of here.

And he tried to unzip something on your jacket. And he grabbed this guy's arm with a pretty alarming and terrifying speed. Cranked it up. He was like a drug nerd. And he like, like, got away. And I was like, I was watching. Like, dude, you would have for sure died. It would have been.

We had that one time where we were hanging out. Yeah. It was the same night you were saying you're going to fight to Spencer. Yeah. Was that same night? Came up at the bar? Yeah, he was tripping. Yeah, he was tripping.

Yeah. really i don't know if i don't want to go into it too much no no no no you were uh you're saying some things i do what you went right to it you press the button immediately and i was like oh shit as soon as i saw them already knew i was like you know it is weird i i know i've known a couple of guys like that who do have like a weird who will go up to like a tallest biggest guys and be like

fuck you yeah at the bar it's always like as i have like tall family members and people will try to like fight them and it's like a it's like a it's like a weird fetish. They're horses, dude. The dudes, they're giant freaks in your family. Yeah, like 6-6. They're massive. And the dudes will come up and be like, fuck, you think you're fucking tough. Philly would beat the shit out of you. McCusker? Yeah.

No. I'm taking him and spud on that. You can't take the spot, man. Not the duo. No, you're saying. His shoulders are... Dave's going to beat off war mode? It's official. Adam Schefter's going to report this.

The duo would be two days. Yeah. Spud will come in suicide bomb at first. He'll come in. Oh, 100%. And he's just a torso. No defense. He'd have no defense. He's a problem. Yeah, he'll get you. He's got noggin, too. He'd be tough to hit. Both those boys have some big ass noggins. Oh, brother. Nice. So you got a, you got a show tonight. I was, I'm moving a little slow. It's all right. I'm thinking about it. 10 o'clock. Dude, I forgot it was a 10 o'clock. 10 o'clock. 10 o'clock's tough. Yeah. But we'll see. It'll be fun, man. brand new stuff so we'll see trying to uh trying to come up with the new stuff it's pretty fun

is it like an hour is like a full show or is it like i'm gonna try i'm gonna try to do like 45 minutes of all new stuff we'll sort of like you know newish so we shall see they see it's really just a test for olympic city because it's like i don't know i feel like a lot of people from philly are going to be there who have seen the old stuff so it's like let me try to give them the new just want to bomb in atlantic city i'm gonna bomb in a if you lose the race and bomb dude you have to You have to walk into the sea. You have to just go straight into the sea. Bomb and lose the horse.

Dude, he would be a, and the races before the show? Yeah. Yeah, you can't, you can't bomb. You can't lose the race and then think of him after the show. Yeah. Just be like, your new stuff's not good. Oh, yeah. I'll just say that.

Yeah, just fly home quietly. I would change my flight secretly. Like I said, I just wouldn't fly home with my family. I'm like, what the hell they bump me? off the fight this is crazy flying first class tomorrow by myself this is crazy yeah I couldn't go I couldn't face my family

after that honestly or it would just charge me for the you know the next victory I'll train harder yeah you're not gonna bomb there and your family's gonna be there you're gonna you're gonna do great it's like 20 out of that's a lot people and there'll be 20 family members is a lot backstage is gonna be a problem backstage

it's gonna be nuts yeah I've been talking to Brittany already it's gonna be those hotel rooms I give you gone yeah they're all they're completely gone but yeah it'll be it'll be fun man it'll be a nice little trip and i'll take the kids at the beach just for they start school so you know that'll be we have we have real school now i'm like my 's and kindergarten so i got to like get up at 630 every morning it's gonna be it's gonna be fucking bullshit that'll be nice yeah you're gonna like that yeah i do like the fucking jocco you didn't put the fucking dots on the calendar for real though i put one on i i feel you sent me i was like

oh i did i put one but then i she ran it back on me so fast i was like just kind of defeats the purpose. Dots would be too connected right now. She probably, she knew. She knew what she was doing. I think so. That's a good method though. It worked. You did. Yeah. It did. I mean, dude, I was, I mean, my wife's also, I've learned she's a geronophile. What's that? She's attracted to older, like, elderly men.

So I have the gray goat. The goat's nice. The goat's nice. She's real. I told her, I'm like, you're... The first thing I noticed when you walked in. It was like, damn, the goat's getting strong. It's a yin-yang goat. Maybe I'm black and white and what geronophobo. What geronophob. dude i fucking hate old attractive guys yeah i've learned about uh geronophile was a nice one

did you ever hear of a basiophilia it's people who are attracted try to guess what it is beziophilia yeah it's like a basiophilia babies or something no good yes it's they're called pitophiles no i don't know i wonder there's got to be a different term for like straight up baby attraction we're like no man teenagers i need i need a little i need the hershey kiss That's crazy. Yeah, just baby fuckers. I think there's no real term for it. Yeah, just called a baby fucker.

I think you call him like governor. Yeah, yeah, true. Senator. No, a basiophiles are people who are attracted to pretty much like neck braces, orthopedic boots. Holy shit. Oh, no. That's great. Neck brace is the funniest thing you can have.

Orthopedic food. Orthopedic boots. I was I was research I was deep in research and kink for my radio play so I came across Bezio files was like it was I was like a a through Z list hurt people it was just I don't I think you're just attract yeah you're attracted people who are like bound in medical device neck brace is the funniest thing it's the funniest way you can look I know if you have a neck brace on you are a loser you can't go out public you know I was in a neck brace at a casino it was a It made me die.

The basiofile needs to head to the fucking casino. Everyone in there is fucking dinged up. Everyone's got a cast on. Yeah, true. That would be a good place for a baseball. The neck brace at a casino is rocked box. I can see the bees man rocking a neck brace at the casino with this hat. That should be his merch.

Neckbrace. He should personalize neckbraces. Yeah. Shot the fuck. Go to barn or shot off. Yeah, where'd you get that hat? What that car heart? He's fucking sick, dude.

Is bees the main guy from... No, that's... From tires? Yeah, yeah. That's Gerby's. Oh, Gerby's. I can see how you... Okay, Gerby's, yeah.

Bees. Well, I remember him talking about the Bees. The killer Bees. Kyle's boyfriend. The girl in the show. Oh, okay, okay, okay. He's a comedian and... He's just a all-timeer, dude.

He's a guy. He's back in Philly. Can't wait to see him. Yeah. Yeah. I might, I don't know if I'll see it. I don't know if I'll be in... You might make the track.

You never know. You really don't... You might just honestly see him, that's true that's true with a neck brace in a casino going hey yo

yeah you're racing fucking horse dude awesome so fucking gay dude I'm gonna get tall horse only person I've ever met in the world

who whispers like a deaf guy he tries to be quiet he just goes straight up it's crazy every time he'd be like dude fucking because we all live together

so somebody would be upstairs he'd be talking shit on and be like dude I fucking call him don't fuck with that shit dude dude my fucking fuck with that shit

and he fucking did it dude fucking he's incredible he's incredible he really is never is never swam once I know it's crazy yo you get so bad

and he bring up swimming this is how we dress to the beach just jeans t-shirt yeah he was like 6 p.m. where were you all day? All black with shoes he visited him at the beach

and he just never made it to the beach He goes a beach. Yeah, where are you? Bees, dude. Stan's in jeans. Like, yo, it's fucking beat. Yeah, it's fucking hot out here. Yeah, dude.

You're in jeans. Yeah, he rules. Oh, man. Oh, brother. What do you got going on? Shit, just rehabbing. Got some visits lined up. Go to some TV and see what we got going on?

You don't have to break the news, but what do you know? say what you want up to the northeast a little bit yeah yeah i like that al west little up there little out west yeah yeah nice man you're rehabbing what's uh what's uh what's your injury i had tore my PCL meniscus yeah so i had tore it um the 17th game in 2023 in buffalo and then signed with jacksonville and the shit just never got back right yeah so i was just running like week 10 and just took a cut and then felt the pop in my knee and went to go try to walk to the sideline. I was just like, bro, I can't make it. So then my meniscus and then my PCO end up fully, my PCO was already partially torn,

and ended up fully turned, and then I had tore my medial meniscus. So how do you actually rehab that? Quad sets. I mean, it was a lot. I was on crutches for like 12 weeks, and then I got a blood clot in my calf. So then I had to be on blood thinners for like three months. but literally like you just have to get that flexion back like bending in and shit yeah like that's like the worst part you have to get that get that bend back or that's crazy dude if I run for like

two days in a row my knees are fucked like if I don't know what I mean they were talking about running and I was like I don't think I've sprinted in a decade it's dude it's when you when you do it again did you run track at all in grade school no I ran it and I wasn't good at all in grade school and I remember my, like, 100 meter time, but I can't even touch it. I can't get close to it. Oh, you're flying? I mean, I'm not that fast.

Right now, I'll run 100 meters and like, I think I got like 13.5, 13.5. But it's not. Dude, I think I used to get like, I know 10 seconds was like crazy in grade school. And I think I used to get like 12. 10 seconds is crazy now. Yeah, like high school guys.

Okay, never mind. Maybe I got the same time. Maybe I've always been at 14 seconds. Yeah. No, maybe I'm just. 14 seconds all the time. There was a couple kids who ran like close to 10 and it was like... I think 14 seconds is kind of moving. I could be

wrong. 13.5 but yeah. 13.5 is great. But it's not bad. When I first started sprinting again after a while my like I like my fingertips become numb like half my fingers are just completely loose feeling and I'd be like fuck this is not good I might die out of here.

Yeah, definitely. But your body figures it out. Yeah. You'll see when you're gazed up. You do anything. I didn't I didn't know that could happen to me. Yeah. certain things start but dude my arms my hands will fall asleep it's crazy yeah circulation's fucked up i got a long time for that it's coming but here's a thing though when you when you do cardio about me about fucking aging no i'm not doing that it's gonna happen it sounds like something that my body wouldn't do to me brother i was like you when i was your age i was jacked

and had a abs and trust me dude i was jacked cut tat it up from then until this age all my tattoos disappeared too my tat yeah your tats are gonna fade off well dude cardio i always thought was pointless because i was like cardio is pointless i thought it was no it's definitely when i was important i know but when i was younger i was like i'm just gonna bench press and get a bigger chest why the fuck would i run and then like when you run your body grows like new veins you just can't see them but as soon as i learned that i'm like oh this is cool's thing yeah you just think about your veins growing your capillary spread it and you're like this is fucking sick yeah especially when you get like out of breath like when you were a kid

I haven't done that I did that recently this week and it was just like I used to do this like 10 times a day I used to do it all that just like fucking for whatever reason I thought I was gonna die I laid down I was like

round of 400 400 sucks 400 is fucking brutal yeah 400 I think 115 sorry I keep talking about track times no it's 115 that's solid yeah it's not bad 40 I mean I'm gonna be 40 in January

so what would you run 100 meters in probably like 100 meters I don't know probably like 11 maybe oh shit imagine like fucking burn you dude

now 13 15 5 neck and neck you just started work we can have a race we can have a race right now I don't want to I'm running now that'll take you into deep waters

you're not ready you got to keep rehabbing before you gum at my boy I'm good he's fucking secretary he's fast you're fucking he's fast as shit

dude. Fruil 13-5s are my best. My anaerobic capacity is definitely my strength, so yeah. I've said it before. All I've got to do is follow him the whole time. I'm going to give him a little leash. I'm going to give him a little lead. Make it think like, oh, shit, I'm really beating this guy.

Close the gap. As soon as I see that finish line, just gone. Hit the gnaw. You guys are racing on the beach? Yeah. That's going to be tough, dude. A mile on sand? Gotta be close to the water.

We'll be close. Yeah, we'll be on a horse. closer you got draft behind them that's true i'm gonna let him block to win for me yeah but yeah it's gonna be hard saying i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm not gonna go barefoot because i last time i ran barefoot i fucking fuck my toe up yeah it'll be cool Friday it'd be Friday it's kind of bullshit i gotta fly all day Thursday and then fucking get there but when you're running how do you know who gets to the mile first though he's i'm trusting he has some sort of marker it'll probably if i'm guessing it'll be a street sign on the beach it'll be the marker so we'll see it'll be fun yeah it's

going to be awesome. I might just try to do a film it. You should please film it. I have to figure out how to do it. And if you lose, delete it. I might just do a chest with my phone. Do a chest with my phone. Yeah. And just, uh, I also, I talked to a cop recently. And he said he, he's, his body cam footage, a lot of the times is, uh, our podcast as like the soundtrack to it. I'll just be listening to the podcast. And then he has a chasing. Get the fuck on the crew. It's making me laugh. I've been watching nothing but body cam footage last really. Yes. It's been pretty great. You enjoyed it. Body game footage is nice.

It's pretty funny. It gets a little sad. It's a lot of schizophrenic people. Yeah. Yeah. That sucks. When they start yapping, it's kind of funny. I know it's heartbreaking, but yeah, they start hitting numbers and shit.

Like, I'm actually 727. You're like, all right. Yeah, I love those guys. Yeah, they hit names and numbers. That's how you know. They're pretty impressive. They're like, Frank is coming here and he's going to be pissed at you. People are like, what are you talking about?

It's like, you'll see. Have you hit any, like, completely schizophrenic Instagram? videos? For sure. They're the best. Yeah. Where you're first of you're like, what does this guy? And they're like, oh, fuck. He's schizophrenic.

He's nuts. Yeah. It's making a lot of sense. At first you're like, damn, this guy is fucking crack the code. There's one good one. There's a good body cam. This guy, this old dude shot a drone out of the sky and they came to talk to him while he's getting cuffed.

He goes, I can't breathe. I can't, but he makes a fucking George Floyd joke. And the cops are like, dude. He was the man, though, other than the George Floyd joke. I don't approve of that. Schizophrenia guy hit the GF joke? He was not schizophrenicrant. He was just a bro.

He was literally a 72-year-old guy that a drone was over his house So he shot it They all called the cops on him They were like We're not gonna arrest you And he was like I can't breathe

They're like all right Get in the fucking car Damn it dude Yeah So I got that going That's really funny Yeah I'm working on that I can't believe those cops

Are being such fucking snowflakes They were The camera did shift away Because I bet those cops Fucking laughed Those cops probably loved them fucking joke yeah yeah I'm sure they were like fuck that's a good one true yeah yeah yeah what else is going on tell you this dude I didn't run in with firefighters recently whoa what they do to you

bro these guys were fucking hunks man what no I swear to god we had we had like a back to school party for my friends came over friends from the neighborhood and brittie saw that on brittany's story you guys put together a fucking it was it was it was it was just yeah that was crazy it was fucking fun but she called she weren't the fire apartment's like near our house she went up there and she's like hey if we're having a party is come by bring the trucks kids will spas and I had run out for a minute I come back there's just two

gigantic fire trucks bro hunks just walking among fucking awesome hunks dude dude like cram awesome hunks need to fucking chill out 6 3 6 there are just massive I could have you the awesome fire department was definitely jack dudes it's ridiculous jacked guys the dude jitzu and shit

I'm like I'm like oh cool like the fire department's here the kids are here this will be cool the wives are just being horny perverts the entire time being like did you call them for the kids or for us and right away i'm like fuck these guys that's crazy talking to husbands i'm like again you gotta do what they do you make those jokes back i know yeah yeah i should have been like you all fucking i'll suck one of these fucking guys what if i sucked one of them how would that be just really loudly like what do you want like a devil's threesome with these two guys it's fucking crazy and pee in your butt that's crazy but no i was i was i was i was

I was aiding. I was right away. I was like, these fucking pee, get these fucking guys out. And then I talked to one firefighter's like, yeah, we love the cast.

I'm like, these guys are fucking awesome. These guys are great. Yeah, I went from being like, I'm going to fucking start a fire down the street to get these motherfuckers out of him. These fucking hot guys off my long.

They truly were fucking sick. They got the jaws of life out and they were just crushing beers with making them explode. They were truly. Yeah, dude, it was so tight. These guys are awesome. Dude,

they were, they were blasting the hydrant. They fucking blasted me with the hydrant. I was like, that's kind of fucking funny. Really? Yeah. These guys had fun.

They were the best. Yeah. I was like, it was at first it was just hooked up to the trucks. There wasn't a lot of PSI and I was like stepping in it like showing the kids like yeah,

I don't give it a fuck. And then they hooked up the hydrant. I was like, oh, fuck. It hurts, yeah. Yeah. They need to have that fire department. They need to head down to that homeless and came up by Nate and just blast those fuckers.

They cleared out. Yeah, they got rid of. Yeah, they're coming back, dude. I don't think so. They put a fence up now. What? The fence. That kind of doesn't in.

yeah you put a fence up it's over the dreams over they respect fences they do respect fences they did that in philly they had that whole uh it was near my old house they had a big baseball field and playground and like it just became like a genuine homeless encamp and it was big and all they kicked them out and put up one measly chain link fence and they were like i can't yeah they just put the handkerchiefs on the sticks and fucking they cannot fuck with fences at all the simplest fence they're like well shows over guys shows over i guess it's over i guess it's we're going to have to find a house can't be homeless anymore

looking at some first time home barbara yeah that's funny it's crazy the camp he had near his house was right next to his house was dude his friend was there weren't they like welding at night there was just barrel fires they're like blacksmiths like multiple barrel fires they were literally smithing

making swords and shit just a foundry yeah they were going nuts in there yeah no I'm driving by and seeing them the silhouettes and the flames must have been terrifying. It was, and it would be like 3 a.m. But you got a fence around your apartment complex.

They can't get in. Wait, what did you say? Don't you have a gate? They respect the gate. They don't respect gates. They respect fences. True.

They wait till the gate opens. They call it. It's scary in and go. I lived here. That was my theory. When Southby was down here, they moved them all from under the bridge. They do.

They do. Yeah. They do. that they do sweep them away over by the creek i think they love that fucking bridge under there i guess yeah the shade would be nice yeah have we always tried to get you for parking like you park and then they stand there was like i helped you get that spot you got so and then you're like he's going to break into my car if i oh yeah they wear fake high viz like they work that's good they're trying they're doing something it is a tight hustle this episode is brought to you by

prize picks. Matt, Shane, what was your favorite part of last football season? What are you most excited about in the upcoming season? Super Bowl. Super Bowl was very exciting. That was awesome. Notre Dame beating Penn State was also a big highlight for me. That was huge.

They spanked them, didn't they? No, it was a great game. Last second. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Georgia, they spanked a little. That's what I'm thinking of. Georgia was a shocker. Dang.

Please talk about your thoughts on the upcoming football season. I'm excited about it. The Philadelphia Eagles are going to be great. If they become a genuine football dynasty, it'd be probably the worst thing that ever happened in the city. Hey, Matt, do you know the Ashton, Ashton Jenny, Jentee, Jesus Christ, running back stance? Is he going to be better than Sakelon? Not going to be better, but I'm... Do you like his stance?

I like his stance a lot. He just stands straight up. Does he really? Yeah, it's pretty sick. He's a running back. He literally just stands. Like in 1920s football player? Yeah, it's crazy.

That's nuts, man. It's awesome. All this football talk is getting me pumped. Thankfully, the football season is already underway. on prize picks. Prize picks is offering season long stat picks that we can take right now before the season even starts. Nice. That's pretty cool. Yeah, man. Dude, dude, I feel like it's pretty simple to play. Do you just pick more or less on athlete's stat projections? If you get your picks right, you can cash in and win up to 2,000 times your money. That's crazy. So just download

the app today and use code drench to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. That's code drench to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. Prize picks, run your game. Guys, August 16th, it's coming up. It's next week. It's huge. Yeah, it's huge. Van Andal Arena, Grand Rapids, Michigan.

August 16th, it's going to be big. And then fly back to Atlantic City after that, fly right back to Atlantic City, Ovation Hall, Ocean Casino Resort. I wouldn't go to that. I would go to Grand Raffout. No, that's good. is going to be nuts. Oceans will be sick. And this is going to be before or after the race. After. Oh, nice. You get to talk about the race on the. True. That's going to be, yeah, it's going to be a big one.

Think about that. Oh, I better, the whole time I run, I'm going to try to get a nice five minutes. You get five out of that. You definitely will. It'll be nice. It's all. It's slated to sell out. It might not. We'll see. It's very close. It's close. It's close. That thing's going to sell out. I hope it will. I think it will. I think it will. And, you know, even if it doesn't, we're all going to have a good time. Guys, 8 o'clock p.m., Atlantic City, New Jersey, August 6. 16th, go to, where did you say you're playing? Oh, at 8 p.m. Van Andle Arena in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Yeah. It's not as good. I was going to do the Atlantic City Arena, but I was like, you know what?

You know what? I'm not going to do that to my fans. Whatever, go to everyone you want. I don't even care. August 15th, Little Caesars in Detroit, 16th, Grand Rapids. 23rd, Milwaukee. Millie Walkie. And then, oh, never mind.

September 6, Notre Dame Stadium. That'd be sick. That's going to be a bomb and a half. That's going to be so bad. But I'm just going to be happy to be there. That'll be tight. It'll be really uncomfortable, but. That's actually, yeah, now that you say that, that's actually amazing to perform at the stadium.

You're going to wear pads, bro. I'm going to be at Notre Dame this weekend. Or tomorrow. I go to Notre Dame tomorrow. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you got strapped the pads on. Line them up. Are you should wear them for your set?

If you came out in pads, dude, and slowly fucking took them off. Took pads off. Just wore football pants, sleeveless underarmor. Put a locker room bench on stage and just sit on it every now and you. Guys, dude, this is what it's all about. The house that Rockney built. All right. Go see our shows.

August 16th in... Whatever you want to do. Atlantic City. Check it out. And one last thing. Matt's new animated short The Papa John Paradox is out now on his personal YouTube

channel and there'll be new animated shorts every Monday on Matt's personal YouTube channel so check those out please thank you link is below now let's get back to the show I did uh

I was the valet one time but I did do something similar where I just didn't park anyone's cars and I'm like yeah I'll take that and then I just left with all the money it was like peace out This is a restaurant I was like, peace Someone hired me And then you didn't park

Any of the cars I had like one stick shift car And I couldn't drive sticks So I was just lumping that thing around And I was like dude Can you park this? I'd get another car And I had like the guy

Do it himself And then I started going like I should just direct traffic in here And there was handing me money I was supposed to like give it to some guy But he never showed up So I just like later Fuck you

And he called my friend I was like just don't tell him I talk to you Made like 300 bucks That's awesome Did you ever have a job It's tight No

never had a job that's so tight yeah I figured you've been playing football the whole time yeah full time 24 seven dang it's pretty cool yeah since I was like seven

I remember those days yeah yeah second I quit my dad got me a job at a fucking factory you fucking killed me second I quit football he was like I got a job for you you don't want you want to be opposed to quit football here here's a job and it sucked it was worse than football yeah and I wanted to quit when I was nine

we started put the pads on I was like scared and shit really yeah then my mom was like you quit now you quit the rest of your life and I was like yeah I got hit with that a lot

and I was kind of right I kind of quit everything I've ever done yeah yeah they were right yeah good for them yeah I was so the pads are the shit

I just yeah I was a big fan of I for sure thought I was like the best football player in the world and then I went to high school and was like all right well figure something else out I'm gonna start smoking weed

actually insane This is a weed guy. Yeah, that shit's fucking hard, man. Although they should have, I wish I had better coaches, man. Yeah, they should have got you. I wasn't fucking, I wasn't D-Line material. Yeah, you're a linebacker. Clearly.

You're clearly a linebacker. Yeah, well, I mean, was I though? Yeah, I can see a middle linebacker. Five-ten? Outside. Outside? Probably. Matt Milano style?

Yeah. You got some. You're a heady player. You'd be like Kikley. I couldn't do. You'd understand that you'd get it. True. You'd figure it out.

Yeah, I'd figure out the game. That's what I, honestly, I thought I would at college. Did not figure it out. I couldn't figure out. I couldn't figure out. I wanted me to read this playbook. I'm going to fucking figure out the offense. I couldn't figure out of one play.

Basketball was impossible. Basketball was tough. You come down, pick here. You forget to play immediately. Run straight into another guy. Yeah. I'm going to set a pick and hopefully that's what I got to do. I will get the ball in basketball and it's thrown away.

Get this thing to fuck out here, dude. I don't need this pressure. It's the word. It's funny you still see that in the NBA. yeah though like i remember like trying to break a press and it's like dude i can't dribble don't throw me the fucking if i get trapped we're fucked if i get the ball trying to break a press it's fucking straight in the air you still see it the NBA though guys will bring the ball off the court passing somebody who clearly can't dribble at all yeah they panic yeah they're like give the

fuck away from yeah that shit fucking who's that was that it hardened towards the end with the sixers that just suddenly couldn't dribble i swear to god it was Hardin. Hardin had handled the whole, he's still, he's still. I feel like the last, like, playoff. He just, he, he, he, he kind of fizzles out in the playoffs, allegedly. I don't even put that on him, but he, I can't, I'll never shit on his handle. He's always, he's always, he's a, good diplomatic answer for James Hardin.

I'm a, I'm a James Hart guy, ain't going to shit on him. I swear to God, I remember the end of the, his run in Philly of him just falling down constantly the ball. I mean, it was nuts. He's an old man now, though. He was not. He does tumble sometimes, but Who smirks me good this year in basketball?

The East is ass. It's going to be probably the Thunder again, is my guess. The East, everybody got hurt on the East. Halliburton, Tatum, the Knicks might be the best, and fuck that. True. The Magic. Huh? The Magic.

The Magic, yeah, the Magic are probably going to be good, too, actually. He's lying like one or two, I think. The Sixers are going to. I don't know. I think the Caps will be good again? The cast might be good. I forget about them. I didn't even see what they did last year coming.

They were great. And then they, yeah, yeah, yeah. Playoffs. All right. That's been our NBA talk. What else is going on? Cameron. There you go.

That's honestly my favorite. That's the meanest thing I've ever heard anyone do. What? You can explain it better. He was beefing with Cuba Gooden's brother, Omar Gooden, Jr. From, like, Baby Boy fame. Yeah, yeah.

So he called him, like, he was trying to say something, like, respectful about him. He was trying to say that, like, not popular actors don't get enough money and he mentioned him and he called him omar good and junior but he's not a junior so he got like butt hurt about being called a junior with yeah super dumb reason to get mad and made this tracks at cam that aren't for real for they're kind of fire but uh but then so cam instead of like doing any like rapping with him he like he got him for

like a movie that doesn't exist he booked him for a movie and had him like film a whole like scene for a movie flew him out to Miami paid him for it. The movies in Spanish. The people are talking shit about Omar Gooden in Spanish like in the seas. They're called him like a fat bitch. They're called him a fat bitch and a Pussy ass nigga.

And then it's got Kim in like a room where he can see everything film and he's like, look at this fat nigga with his tinnies out. Just saying the meanness. He punked him? He punged him. He punged him. No. He punged him. No.

Did he reveal the punk at the end or he just not not to like he revealed the like yesterday he Oh he just showed it on yeah he tweeted he tweeted he did it like a video on Twitter where he's like he He did another disc track like unprovoked and he was like see I wasn't even going to put this out I did that I did this for me I was just having fun doing this but I think he's got him signed in the paperwork where it's like the end it's his footage so he can do whatever with it it's so really mean it's really funny though He said, he's like, nigga, you was on the dollar menu. I got you for nothing. It might be the funniest.

Yeah. And there's Omar. I didn't know Cuba Gooding Jr. had a brother. He keeps Omar to the, he doesn't let everybody know. Like, I didn't know that was his brother for real, for real. I didn't know that he was exactly you were talking about it. I didn't know that was Cuba Gooding's brother. I had no idea either.

He doesn't like the junior. He should associate with him more. It might help. That's a crazy reason to get butt hurt. I think he was more so. I think he was getting butt hurt over like. lesser known actors than junior yeah probably but

Ken was trying to say like he's a good actor he should get a little bit more of a bag but and then he turned on him and he was like well if he'd called him Cuba Gooding Jr. Jr., I guess you're mad about that. He did with the double Junior. That would piss me off. Junior is a high insult. Yeah.

What are you looking at in junior? Junior piss me off. You're pissed me off. I'll fly to Miami and be in your movie. You piece of shit. also you can get any you can trick any actor with that we have an incredible opportunity for you for sure yeah

what was that documentary they did where they got the Wendy City Heat Wendy City Heat where they got that guy they do that to a guy he's the man he's a very funny guy he's a crazy guy a little at the comedy store and these other guys made an entire

fake movie they told him he was the star of an action movie and just filmed a movie of a guy that thinks he's in a movie and everyone it's called Wendy City Heat everyone else is in on the joke they're fucking with him the whole time doing like stunts throwing them in trash cans and shit

it's incredible and he never really got it they show him the video at the end they go this was all kind of a joke and he loves it he's just laughs along with it that's fuck yeah

yeah that would I'm trying to think that would I mean what's his next move what's Omar Gooding's next move what's Omar Gooding's next move he did you have to commit violence at this point you have to resort to violence

yeah no like distracking top that he has to he threatened the disc track which it's not going to be better than that and he did he did try to play a cool and be like I don't care I got I had a free trip to Miami like you gave me 3500 but like no that doesn't

he was trying all the tricks it wasn't enough I think yeah you gotta walk away that's his next move he should have been like you got to leave that alone he should make I knew it the whole time I'm if I was just fucking around uh Kim also said he was like

I guess he was trying to do comedy and he was like he said he had a show booked in the olive guard. He's saying the meanest shit to him possibly. Yeah, you got to leave him alone. Yeah, you got to leave cable. Somebody fakes and puts you in a fake movie, you got to go. That guy won.

Yeah. This guy will stop, but truly nothing to... Yeah. Dang. What's the meanest thing you've ever done to somebody, Gabriel? The meanest thing? I'm not a mean person. Yeah, you are.

No, I'm not mean, bro. Yeah, you are. I told you look good in that hat earlier. Yeah, everybody's making fun of the hat. Dude, you look good in the hat. I last shout against you when you complimented me. I like the head. It goes with the front of the hat.

said nice hat. I was like, shut the fuck on my hat. I said, dude. I said, you're wearing the dumbest hat I've ever seen, dude. It was a great hat, right? He was ready for battle. It is. I'm just nervous about trying a new hat, dude. I feel you on that though. You know? I have two hats I can wear. If I try to put on another one, I just, I like get not even out of my bathroom and I'm like, that's what I literally did that. I put it on, looked in the mirror and took it off and and I was like, Nate, do you want this? And they're like, it actually doesn't look bad. I was like, all right, I'll try. Maybe I'll try something different today. Have you ever done...

Maybe it'll be different. Who knows? Do you ever do stand-up with the head on? Yeah. I've tried. I can't do it. I've done it actually because I was doing a podcast and wearing it all day. Oh, you rolled out.

Yeah. That's fucking sick. I can't do it. I wish I could be a hat man on stage. That's cool. All the greats do it. Yeah. Hat on stage is fucking power move.

So I'll roll through him. I'm just trying out some new guys. What makes it different with a hat on stage, though? I rely heavily on how dumb my face looks. You can't see your eyes, yeah. You can't see your face. I feel like it is reserved for goat status. You have to be like almost trying to like hide.

Yeah. So I kind of pulled the trigger prematurely like seven years ago. It's nothing compared to my blazer at the open mic. The blade you. It's one of the most embarrassing. I wore jeans and a blazer and a t-shirt under it. You got to bring back the look. It just.

Oh, bro. I thought that's how comedians dress. That's how they dress. No one dresses like that. I looked. I haven't seen it since. Sorry. It's how they dress.

Yeah, that was tough. You guys weren't around yet. That was at the Comedy Zone. That was in Harrisburg? It was the Harrisburg Comedy Zone. Rockin a blazer off the highway of the truck stop. Just bombing. HBZ.

HBZ is nice. The place is nice. Yeah. The fucking murals are crazy. I can't. They can't give me a mural? Yeah, what the fuck? He's got a fucking Voss has a mural.

Shrek. Shrek's up there. They got Crocodile Dundee. I can name the whole fucking mural. I've stared at it so many times. Dude, they got to ice somebody to give you your mural. They got Raymond the Amish comic, Earl David Reed, Liz. Kevin Hart's up there. Fuck, Chris Rock.

They're just tossing random piece. Oh, the Chappelle is like a racist caricature. That's what I remember. I remember Chappelle. They didn't do them justice at all. Yeah, that one was rough. Yeah, what the fuck? can't get one they can't erase shrek it's just fucking paint track white

that's him that's Shane he started here crocodile Dundee being up there is nuts I mean that's at that point they're hating on you I swear to God they're hating on they're like you dude every club I'm at you're on the wall they put like serious they're like non-comedy actors up there like Jane Fonda on there just like regular movies they just toss up

It's some bullshit Yeah Although the guy who painted that wall Is definitely dead now So they gotta find Everyone that's from there is dead True No they're all alive

Against all odds Every single one of them Heat the Keefe Still going Thought for sure He was Really Yeah he almost died

Like while we were with him You fucking fell asleep Under his trailer Frozen to death He got stuck under his trailer In a fucking blizzard what how do you get stuck

he took I don't know he's down there he went under his trailer and froze that's pretty he was incredible he crushed

he came back he crushed every time he came back with the fucking oh it's a baraka baby home run he said

uh Barack Obama's parents had an Asian doctor and that's how they named him and he goes oh it's a barac baby

and he was just he was a beast dude yeah That's pretty awesome. Remember his partner? Were you there? Big T.

The cops came. Big T. The squad we put together in Central P.A. It was fucking crazy. It was homeless people. And a truck stop. We're like, this is a real comedy. I'll show you real comedy.

It's just like if you're following a guy, an homeless guy who's killing. Oh, fuck. You got to bust out the blazer. I might have to bust out the blazer. It's time. Yeah. It's time to do the blazer. Blazer with a V-neck t-shirt.

God damn, dude. You got the V-N-V-N? That would suck so bad. Yeah, it was a black V-neck. That's nuts, man. It's got to be the third smash. You have to be a vis-to-beck. You got to be nuts, dude.

When you're starting stand-up, you literally have to be an insane person. That's true. To just go, I'm going to go to this. I don't even know one person here. I'm just going to get on stage. Did you go and scout one night and then go? I scout it ahead for like a year. for a full year

I was going to the comedy zone by myself watching people bomb and I was just like I'm better than them I know it I got up there and couldn't talk I just couldn't speak

and I got my card I was like I don't need to write I'm just funny I got on stage I just fucking left I was like next time I'm gonna write

like two years later I went back yeah I feel like my first time doing standup I wasn't even supposed to go on but they like call my name and I just like killed

just killed I'm just doing Steve Harvey's like I went out there and I killed for an hour and they said you got to come back yeah

I never guard dog when was your first show when did you get up there I tried it once when I was 20 in like a coffee shop on Temple's campus

that's a tough one it was tough but it was very fun and I have a nice memory because Chris Markell was there nice he was hilarious he was so funny

he had a sunny deep bottle filled with water and he pretended that it was his penis and he was squirting it at everybody drinking coffee. Yeah, he was not afraid to use props. It was awesome. He was very funny with those props.

He was also funny when he disappeared for a year and he came back. He was like, what happened? He goes, I got chased by the cops on a dirt bike and got arrested. He also made props, other people's props going to his bag at the end of the night. He was not afraid to find some extra props lying around like iPhones. His phone did he grab? He was just, I think,

Mecky. He got the Mexter. Beast. The funniest kid to get, yeah. So funny. Yeah, he was the man. Yeah. Oh, man.

I miss those Harrisburg comedy zone days. That is fun. Especially the first, like, a couple years, once you're, like, I'm about to get 40 bucks to do 10 minutes. At a winery, it's going to be sick. Winery shows were awesome. Yeah, they're sick. Yeah, that was, especially when you start doing good in the open mic scene, and you're

like, I'm the fucking coolest guy that's ever lived on Thursday night. I get to go to one place where I'm actually. actually cool you get to be mean to all the new people you're fucking suck or if somebody's good you're like he's a fucking yeah that guy's a bitch i don't even like him he sucks dude he's stealing everything right there that's a daniel toss joke just so you know yeah you just everyone stand up's pretty good it's for real cauldron of hatred you got to go up there and do it for forty dollars that's a good dude you'd be stoked to take that in all home yeah yeah yeah that's good yeah

I think you saw me do that last night. No, no. Yeah, I think that was 40 or 50 bucks. Where'd you cop 40 from? Probably the mothership. What's that? I just... At the L.B?

The big boy. Big boy. Oh, really? Yeah, pump it up, bro. Nice. Yeah, it's... Yeah, that's way more than $40. Oh, yeah, it's where Rogan does that.

Every other, like, the seller, the seller's like on a weeknight, probably 50. Yeah, Rogues does break the bread. It's like the process in, like, in the comedy world to get, like, like, like to the top like I don't you just keep backstab can I'm backstab can't even backstab can I start a podcast get fired for messing out it's the only way

that's the only way that's what I tell every every time like a host has asked me like you know for like I started podcast like how do how do I get traction I'm like dude here's what you got to do I was like do it for like five years and then pray to God your co-host becomes really famous and they're like

yeah just find someone you think is funny and just go dude I hope you make it so bad Watch the light just drained out of their eyes. They're like, yeah, that's it. That's all you can do it. No, you got to, yeah, you just get lucky. You keep doing it.

Yeah. But yeah, at first you got to be, yeah, me personally, I had to be, like, depressed and shameless. Because when did you start? It's really embarrassing. When did you start? 20, I was 21, 22. Yeah.

It was 21. Same thing? Yeah, around 22. Yeah. When I was, popping off around like your 30s? Yeah. No, the whole time, it's fun, though.

because like you get little i'm saying pop off like yeah i was like yeah i'd say 31 yeah 30 yeah but like the whole time there's like a little thing where they're like yeah they're like you get to host this weekend and you're like holy oh it's crazy i'm getting 25 bucks and then you get to tell you everybody around like yeah i get paid technically i'm professional yep it's just little things all the time and then you're like i'm gonna be a feature someday yep you get to do that and the first time you have to drive anywhere you're like i'm on the fucking road. Road trip.

I blew it, dude. Earl David Reed took me to Pittsburgh to Mars, Pennsylvania, and I was like, bro, we did it. I was watching, like, entourage. I was with my boys. I was like, yeah, you guys are coming with me on the road. I got a hotel room in Mars, Pennsylvania. Got out there.

Four locals had just come out. Got fucking, literally blacked out before the show. Crashed a wedding that was at the hotel. They hated us. They tried to fight us. Then they saw my face on the, flyer and they were like this fucking guy's at the hotel he's in this bar he's doing stand up a bridal party he showed up it was like you motherfucker piece of shit and I was wearing a suit that

I was wearing a suit again I'm a suit I'm a fucking suit comic dude no I was with a suit that we got we all got suits from Salvation Army so we could crash the wedding oh my god so I was still in I was in an unbuttoned suit covered in red stains from four locoes just dying literally bombing as hard as you can bomb dude because they were like the host didn't show up can you feature i was like yeah for sure can you do 25 i was like no fucking problem i bombed so bad that the guy who ran the club was like what do you do i was like i go to college and he was like what do you study and i was like history i could be a teacher he was like yeah you should do that he's like don't do stand-up's not for you just become a history teacher do you know that guy is now i know the club's

gone and he's probably dead He's dead He probably died knowing I should have been a history teacher He didn't know It was gonna work Yeah he was Yeah that was kind of fucked up

Yeah But I get it There's so many fucking young Young comics And we see him in there Dude if a kid This is my first show Yeah

Showing up drunk in a fucking suit He should have known If he knew anything about comedy Like dude That's the man Guy fucking rules Guy fucking rules All those like more

A lot of the places You got paid initially were like very old crowds and they were run by the most serious dickheads ever and they were so mean they really would be like lording over you yeah they're handy with an envelope of like 40 bucks at the end of the night and be like yo

but never make fun of the host ever again if you want to work in this town and you're like dude yeah they hit you they tell you how to do it i did uh uncle vennies yeah and that guy got on my ass i don't even know if it was the main manager but somebody there was like four people in the club it was literally four old people were eating just at an italian restaurant And I was lying. I was like, this is new material.

I'm just messing around because I was bombing. I was bombing so badly that I was like, I'm just trying out stuff. It was my best stuff. And then I get that. He's like, come outside and talk to me. I was like, all right. And he was like, don't ever use this as a workout room.

This is a club. I was like, okay, there's four fucking people eating spaghetti. The fuck. Yeah, they do that. The best is when I got, I used to do the comedy. Do you ever do the comedy cabaret? Yeah. It was raw.

Yeah. Stunk pretty bad Wait wait where was it It was all over It'd be like there's a bunch Restaurants Hotels And I remember right

I did a night I finally I was like All right I feel like I did okay The guy's like here's your pay Good job And I like Something told me like Open it in front of him

I opened the envelope Just completely empty And I was like Yo bro Where's my fucking money And he was like What the hell He says

Look for it It's empty dude You don't fall out of here It's a seal of envelope I was like You motherfucker That's great What the hell

That's good shit Yeah, you've got to be kind of a scumbag to be running. And those shows were not, like, lucrative. Yeah, of course. It's crazy. There was the one guy. He used to, I forget his name. He would book all these shows almost near like the Poconos.

Yeah. And, like, he just, he didn't have a phone. He would book comedy shows. You have to, like, call his girlfriend and like, yeah, it was, I forget his name. See, there. And then she'd be like, hold on a second. He'd just be whacked out on perks. Like, yeah, dude, you fucking shit, it's killer, bro.

You're, like, across me. Never pay. Actually, I guess those guys did probably make some money. Some of those, you get, like, like 200 people you can make yeah you can make a real quick eight hunch you make a nice eight hans you just kind of yeah some of there was really there's a there's a like a level of it that's completely run by the meanest oldest fat as italians mean old fucking wops and then literally schizophrenic depressed kids that's a crazy industry yeah but you get you get little things the whole time that make it

you know yeah of course the coal that was a big one for that was the best it was like the first time ever headline we drove up to the coal region in Pennsylvania did like a empty church it was it was biob dude we got fucking hammered in there with them it was nice i remember there was a puddle outside of it that was huge and i jumped the puddle and i was like fuck yeah best night of my life that's all i remember that was that was fun though that was that might have been one of the funniest things i've ever seen yeah that was a good one just going off the cuff of uh for the coal hole people yeah the coal people love it i was talking about like jewish columns yeah i remember that I was like, I'm a Jewish call

If you put a note in my mouth, I'll fight you Tell me what they do The coal, the coal miners were like Yeah, they loved it Oh yeah, coal miners, sure Great town Yeah, I think it was Jim Thorpe Yeah, well, I was up there, yeah

Great town She'd fucking ruled Yeah, we need factories back Dude, we do We need something We really do need to start like Because offices are fucking lame, man Yeah

That's the new factory You're like everyone's crammed into this office we do to get we got to figure out what to do with people who are the bros yeah the factories yeah just like people need to be thrown somewhere every day and just fucking whistles and stuff nothing it's a good life yeah you get paid you go on you're fucking that's the problem is the standard yeah giving someone enough money to live because I feel like now it's just like you give them enough to get access to debt yeah and it's like yeah dude you can

get a house but you're going to be in debt till you die and then you know wipe it yeah we can't just all play games all the time some of us have to work yeah dude Bro, today was a nuts day. Today was a nut day. That's how you work. We got in the pool together. We're clocking in right now. Yeah, we all hung out.

We watched him play. It was a good day. He saw a day in the life, dude. He saw World War II games. I was like, there's no way he does this every day. Lay in the pool for a while. Playing the war on the pool. Yeah.

It's a good day. You're a, he's a mental worker, dude. You never. The whole time I'm playing the game. I'm going, oh, that's a good bit. Got another one. I'm not thinking of it. I haven't thought once.

I haven't thought once today. Yeah, I wish someone would blow the whistle and stop me from thinking. That'd be nice. That's what, yeah. Yeah, true. That's all it is. That's what sports are. That's why I like sprinting.

When you sprint, you just stop, sprinting, and I like being underwater. Being underwater. Be underwater, dude. You stop thinking completely. Yeah. Just lay underwater. Everything gets quiet. You go out there, you go.

Dude, I hit, I give it to my kids all the time. I'll be in the pool with them. I go, disappear. 30 seconds pop up. I'm like, yo, that was awesome. The pool was ruined today. There were some wasps. The wasps were getting us.

What? Killing the vibe. They hushed it. They were killing the vibe. What kind of was you're working with? There was a little tiny guys that they always drink out of my pool. They're okay. All right.

We're skimming. Yeah. Then there was a monster. What color was it? It was black. Black and orange. Maybe a muddover. They're not really aggressive.

They look scary. Then a big fucker. The biggest fucker I've ever seen showed up. Yikes. And I don't think it was a was. I don't know what that thing was. I don't know what that thing was a horny? It was like a locust.

It was like a football. It was huge That's kind of fucked up I have those muddauvers in my house And I looked them up They're not real They're like the black was With like the super detached like body

And they're like not aggressive They're not aggressive at all Yeah it was that guy He seemed to grow He was fucking getting in everyone's face No yeah maybe so They're just They're just big

They're huge They're okay Is it a hornet Or is it not one to hornet Skinny boy Yeah He's a long skinny Thorax

Yeah they're detached thorat You're right And usually they only attack If you fuck with their nest We have them in my, like, attic. Yeah, you've got to just let them live. They, like, get lost and they end up in my house every now and again, and they're, he said, open the door and they fly right out.

Okay, they're dumbasses, dude. Yeah, fuck them. Yeah, they like, what do they? Oh, they like eat bugs and then feed them to their, like, babies in their little nest. So they're good for pest control. They're doing a good time. I can't believe the muddobbers get in your face. They were, yeah, they were on us.

Dude, I had dreams last night. I had two ferrets. I woke up, salty that wasn't the case. Fuck. They were so sick. I had a mom and a baby ferret. And I all night just played with ferrets in my dreams and woke up. And I even showed my daughter.

I was like, you ever see a ferret before to see if you start getting on her? She's into them. Dude, there are the sick. That's what you should get as a ferret. You think, yeah, I could get like six or seven ferrets in this house. Oh, you get this place. You get this place. And what you do is, you know, like, the tubing that hooks up to, like, your dryer vent?

Yeah. You just, like, put that shit all around your house and they just go nuts in your house all the time. Bro, I'm telling you. By tubes on. in this fucking ceiling yeah a little skywalk 10 to 15 ferrets yeah just going crazy the whole time can't sleep at night there's parents running sprinting through my room they would chill you you can lock them down you can lock them down they get on my schedule they would they'd be so stoked just chilling on the couch watching fucking hold fast bro i'm telling you watch some ferret videos

i lived one i lived one for like a night last night it was fucking awesome that is awesome i don't know yeah i was like i don't know where it came from I haven't been thinking about ferrets. No difference between a ferret and a weasel? What's that? Weasel's wild. Same animal. You're crazy.

I swear to God. I never knew that. Yeah, weasels is a wild ferret. It's just a domesticated weasel? Mm-hmm. Or is it just in the weasel family? Isn't that a family? No, I think they're the same fucking thing.

I looked it up today because I believe you. I didn't know if I wanted a ferret or a weasel. And I looked it up. I looked it up. I was like, no, that was a weasel family? Is that all those fucking things? I'm not sure. I guess that's what I saw.

What's a fink? think was it mink yeah fucking idiot mink uh mink coat mink coat yeah mink coat what is it mad i regret to inform me that they are related but they are not the same man well that's oh fucking it's the same fucking thing i'm sorry no you're right this a i summary

fucked me dude it's not my fault yeah it's not true that's a i bullshit sorry what's the difference it is pretty much the same but they said it's like a domesticated cousin so they're slightly different in oh i see i see what you're saying i see you're saying yeah they're not the same species can you put them up next to each other because I feel like they look exactly the same ferrets have to be wild animals you're pretty you are right

though doesn't count now he just told me I was fucking dumb as well I'm taking some pictures of ferrets and you're not wrong muttie pies be nice to have these guys running around that's what I'm saying wouldn't you like that you could put them on a leash too you don't want that fucking guy yeah that's fucking good look at that one's a young ferret

dude they just chill with that guy around killing shit Looks at a good time. Yeah, they're mischievous, though. They are mischievous. It makes me think of the gerbill video. The body came. The body came.

Mr. Pancake, he's got gerbils in his pants. Who was that? This guy broke into a fucking pet shop. They found him on a bench asleep. They, like, rip him off the bench. They have to cut his pants over, and they're like, there's fucking gerbils. He's got gerbils in his pants. He passed out with gerbils.

What did they do with the jerbs? They catch him or let him go? Yeah, they were all holding them. I don't know. We didn't get that far, but. The pet store There's just animals There's poppies outside

There's parrots and shit on the sidewalk He broke he threw a rock Through the window And got in there And freed all the animals And fell asleep He referred to himself As Mr. Pancakes

So it really is Ripped off the bench It was rewarding He was watching And watch cops Ripping a homeless guy off a bench That just broke a little pet shop Pretty great

I think he was on a bench Like right next to it And I guess that guy Just like a crazy house I don't even think They have crazy house. houses anymore. Oh, that's nuts.

You got to just let them out on the street. Whose idea was that? Liberals. Fucking liberal, liberal, liberals. Turns out having mental hospitals might have been a good idea. Yeah, the problem is... Insane asylums.

In like the 90s, they still like kick their ass. That's a problem. You're nuts. He goes to insane. He's good. We got to lock him up, dude. He's a sicko. He's a real sicko when you get to know him for real.

I just keep thinking of the last night That's why It was a fun time It was Chill chill sash Yeah good chill Nice Yeah it was good

We had killer sash Chill Wow wow wow Wait All right we're back on the record Back on the record Back on the wreck Chill sash

I could probably wrap it up Yeah right now Yeah this is good chill sash To that Cool Yeah No one's No one really got less

uncomfortable the entire show. No, I thought we were for sure. I thought we were going to break through. Hey, man, sometimes you know. When you're staring out to these, there's fucking ten guys in here. Everyone's just looking at you. No, I didn't like looking over there. It's uncomfortable. Everyone was just quietly.

I keep looking this way. Look at the interrogation. Yeah. Well, good stuff. Matt, I wish you the best in the race. You're going to fucking torch him. Dude, I think I'll do my best. And if it turns out you're lying about this hat and I find out that people were making fun of me for wearing this. That is not my fault.

That is definitely your fault, dude. No, it's never worn it. I think it's a good head. It's going to the bees no matter what, but you broke my heart today. You broke my heart today. Obviously, it's a bee's hat. I was giving you a compliment, and I thought about how much the bees would love the head. Simple, simple in plain.

Simple ass. All right. Gabriel, do you have anything to tell us? No, I appreciate you all having me on. Yeah. It's a long time coming. It's good, yeah. Thank you.