Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 574 - War of the Butt Wipes (feat. James McCann)

Episode Date: August 28, 2025

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Go See James Live @ https://www.jdfmccann.com/ Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Go See Nate Live in ATL @ https://atlanta.heliumcomedy.com/shows/328915 Go See Optimum Noctis on TUESDAY @ https://www.creekandcave.com/events/optimumnoctis yo0oo0o0. Hope everyone is having a good week. We got just the D.A.W.G.Z. fot the first half and Jimbo for the second half. Check out his NEW spesh Sept1 'Black Israelite' on his YouTube and go see him live. Also wish Lemaire a Happy belated Bday!!!!! Please enjoy. God Bless. Get DUDE Wipes at Amazon and retailers nationwide. Download the PrizePicks app or visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/DRENCHED today and use code Drenched to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

The Wow, Wow, Wes. Let's keep an eye on my balls this time. Dude, the blur is so much fun. The blur made it worse. The blur is so. You did that on purpose. You could use the black blur. Black box would have been nice.

Black box would have been great. Blur was a fleshy blur. It looked like I had so many people, my friends texted me. Like, was your dick and nuts really out? I'm really sorry about that. Sean, you reveled in it. You reveled in it. It was no idea.

The blur for real. He was texting me like, he was like really sorry. I was like, dude, I swear to God, I don't care. What did you catch? Like, you caught, like, slut cleavage, I think. I think you got a little bit of butchy. It was like upper thigh fat. That's like a, that's a devastating fat.

Yeah. It's white. Very white. Yeah, dude. I was not seen the sun. I was getting into the shower recently and my wife was laughing at my white ass and she goes, I'm going to take a picture and send it to Shane. I was like, his ass is the same as my ass.

I was like, yeah, it looks just like my ass. It's so funny. He's like, yeah. How did you get a picture of my ass? I'm like, he's not going to be like, what the fuck? No, I found, I found my ass last night. Why? It was on TV.

I was watching Alien last night. Sigourney Weaver just has my ass for no reason. What? Take a look at Sigourney Weaver's ass in Alien. She got a full-on pale peasant's ass, dude. A medieval dynasty ass. Sigourney Weaver's ass in the movie is... What year is that?

I don't know. That's when Tiny Hens is. heinies ruled she had a she had the tiniest honey can i see her heinie she's got a man's ass she's got a nice pale irish ass yo what the fuck dude she would die right now someone saw her ass i don't think women can survive with an ass like that anymore she looks good in it tiny heinies they're out of nowhere at the end of the movie

scornie weaver just gets in yeah they were underwear and tits out basically what it's pretty sweet oh yeah yeah yeah that was like one of the scenes there was a tits and leprechaun there was the alien scene sex scene and titanic tits and leprechaun was the first time i got in trouble from my parents yeah that was came into the basement at my friend's house and we had it paused on tits and lepercon that was the fuck is this i swear i got it wasn't me that was that those movies were the goon boon back in the day yep there was no other opportunity did you'd have to like you'd have prayed to properly craft what you you were like yo i heard there's boobs in leprechaun in space i'm gonna tell my mom i'm gonna rent lepercon in space she's

not going to hopefully check yeah they were like a cargo colt just waiting on just like the horses of the world to move around you like oh they're back tits are back now music videos were my mainstay yeah you did it beat the late night yeah that was that was big for me yeah that was huge but anyway that's the the the main order of business which i already told you is yesterday i had a very important uh i had a business meeting big hollywood stuff yeah and uh i woke up late and I the meeting was delayed about an hour because of how late I was not because I was out partying that but because I was up till work four a.m. playing medieval dynasty and if you ever played that game you realize that's a real fucking psychotic move I was literally chopping

trees for six hours togethering sticks I look at my phone I got a lot of sticks I got a lot of sticks and stones and uh the village you showed me I was fucking the village is astounding I was like really preparing myself as you told me about it and I was like dude be supportive because I thought you're going to show me some rinky dink bullshit no bro that was like what a six hut village with yeah it's crazy with a ye old blacksmithy that would have taken a normal man weeks took me one day yeah of just a really pathetic day at what cost the cost was I was late for a pretty important meeting that I thought was going to be like three writers it ended up being the director and the star of the movie waiting for it's big I don't want to spill the beans but I was shocked

Your eyes, you're just red and puffy. Bro, I got, I was like, oh, fuck. It was like, you know, when you're like late for school or work or something, I woke up like, oh, shit, I slept through my alarm. I just joined the meeting, seeing if they were still there. From my bed in the dark. I joined the meeting. And you can block out who it is. It was, wow, wow.

I was like, what's off, dude? Sorry, I just woke up. Sorry to make you wait. From the darkness. From the darkness. They watched me walk into the light. And your face was. definitely like dark red just like i tried to put on sunglasses i got to put on sunglasses you

can't see me this and i put on sunglasses i was like what the fuck am i doing this is what i look like and now i'm from the evil dynasty i explained exactly what i was i was like i wasn't out partying this is from me checking my clock way too late gaming i was going it's probably two four i was like jesus yeah that was a sad evening literally sticks and stones literally just chopping chopping logs all night so that my village

can start weaving baskets that I run to the town to sell for fucking two dollars over and over again

it's fucked up it's really fucked up to do that there's no like reward in the game just yeah it's dude

that game rules though game's awesome I like that a lot I'm gonna hit a nice midnight on you're gonna hit you're to court the fucking

your wife I courted my babe she's pregnant congrats by the way thank you she is pregnant thank you fellas she said

let's meet back in our room at 7 p.m. And I, oh. Are you serious? I almost jacked off here. I almost jacked off in reality. Oh, she's such a sweet angel. And then I, uh, oh, you name your medieval son.

Adolf. No. This is my son, Adolf. Uh, I don't know. Matthew, I'll name him after you. That'd be, I'd be honored. He'll be a king. I'd be honored.

What happens in medieval dynasty is when you die, you live as your son. Oh, that's, I was saying that. You follow your seed. What? Yeah. You got to build a dynasty. Holy shit. Yeah.

Wait, so when you died, I don't want to put you on blast. When you got attacked by a wolf and died. Did you didn't come back as your son? How many response are you? I came back as myself. You can come back as yourself. How many times? I don't know.

If I would have quit there, that might have ended my dynasty. I can't do that. So if you don't respawn, that's over. If next time, if my son is born, if young Matthew is born. Oh, then. Then I'll go, you know what? That wolf got me during the hunt. Whoa, then you come back when he's of age.

I'm back as my son, yeah. As a boy or a man? I'm not sure. I haven't gotten that far. I've been chopping logs. I haven't. True. True.

I mean, your son's going to take it to such a cabbage farm going, carrots. I saw the apple orchard. Apple orchard was just built. I mean, this is. And you had your barley reserves from the barley reserves from the last grade that harvest, which I immediately took to town and sold. Got some clay pots, not a big deal. Don't talk about the cherry juice. Don't you dare bring up the cherry juice.

Sorry. Sorry to bring that. up this was a low point this is like this was a low point for the village my sweet wife got me a fucking cherry juice for a for a gift she must have saved up 65 dollars where did you get that money by where'd you get that money from don't you dare don't you dare don't you dare she's tricking Matt what the fuck dude she was not tricking she saved up because she cares about me and she got me cherry juice and then I checked our coffers were low. I had to pawn the cherry juice

to get some fertilizer for the beets. You gotta do what you got to do, dude. I had to get fertilizer and beats. That wasn't for a low point. You saw him. You saw me deliberate. Yes. It is one gabby.

There's just a chest where all his stuff is in this. It's just a simple chest. There's like sticks, rocks, lost. My sticks rocks are longs. You laugh, but they're fueling. You can see my dynasty. It's like mushrooms and cherry juice. And he goes, I got to sell the cherry juice.

We got to sell it. What's wrong with that? He's like, my wife gave to me. My wife gave to me as a gift, dude. I didn't want to do it. No, I get that. I'm going to tell her I drank it. How are you going to sleep?

You need to drink tart cherry juice. I'm going to tell her I drank it. Yeah. You got attacked by a fucking wolf. There's war out there that'll get you. Is it really? Yeah, there's all types of creatures that will eat you. The forest was scary, dude.

I thought it was a free-for-all. For real, dude. Sean, don't fucking laugh. Yeah, Sean, it's not fucking funny. You guys, it's all a game to you guys, but to me it's a true dynasty. It's a medieval dynasty. My son Matthew will rise, and he's going to take over the big town when I'm going to raise a force. That'll be nice.

Yeah. That place will be crazy. I go in there if you don't shower, if you don't get in the water for a while, you stink, and nobody will talk to you. They treat me like a real outcast in there. I like that you're cool. Did your wife? Every morning I woke up, sprinted across the river, and it was like, hello, I love you. And then you have to wait the next day to be able to talk to you again.

The days are long, too. Long as fuck. When you planted those apple trees, I'm like, bro, this is going to be, I'm going to check back in in the spring, literally. It's insane. And also, I get excited for my harvest. Yeah. So I'm like, all right, I'll stay up until the fall. It just takes.

It's fucking six more hours. It was a real, it was a sad moment. Seeing the clock hit, it was 3.55. And I was like, this is something's wrong. It's so funny waking up for high-power meetings. High-power meeting. I was gathering. I was on a fucking Bryce Harper jersey on button.

I was like, what's up, guys? Yeah. I think it worked. I think that my demeanor in the meeting. I think so. Was appreciated as power. I would venture to guess that you might have been the first person to ever zoom into the meeting hung over from medieval conquest. For sure.

Nobody that's been hung over from medieval dynasty has ever had a problem. powerful meeting say fellas I'm gonna come clean to you guys I was I mean I'm building something special yeah in hindsight you guys have your thing going on it's we can talk about that but let me just tell you about in hindsight I should have just been like yeah I got fucked up with jelly roll last night I thought it was less embarrassing to be like I was playing a video it turns out it's way more embarrassing it's so funny yeah it's so especially even you're sitting there you're like what fuck's going on like dude I'm full it full honesty I was up on I playing fucking medieval RPG it's like oh man I can't be mad yeah it was nice

I think they respected that though You have to And also I was probably Dripping medieval fucking swag That's another thing This guy is gonna be something special You might have hit him with a good day You don't even know it

I have been My lord So excuse me my lord Excuse my indolence my lord Forgive me I threw a snowball at the king Dude don't talk about that I know he might get me

He wasn't looking Through a snowball at him Ran ran out of the fort Back to my fucking side of the river I'm a medieval You're crazy for bringing that up I can't believe you threw a snowball at the fucking king

I thought something bad was gonna happen nothing I mean dude Maybe next time I see him It's on site Matt you talk to his son You think you would tell the wicked prince The prince is a dick too by the way He is

I didn't like his fucking vibe at all But he talked to the prince is just walking around The apple which are by the road is a mistake Why They're gonna steal that from me they're not going to take you who's going to take your apples just any traveler they're going to go oh here's some apples oh dude you can not they might yeah after you make an example out of the first guy true told you have some guards your your plan was he said my wife was going to get sexually assaulted by highway men he thinks it's a funny fun thing to joke about her I thought has it have your wife card the apple or she no she's going to get they're going to take my apples and sexually assault my wife and then I'm going to have to pretend to be more mad about the s a than the fact that i lost all those apples we're going to need those apples i was just saying to me you gotta have you gotta have someone guarding those fields dude i will i'll literally that'll be the

rest of the game so i'll stay in there for fucking three straight days in real life apples honey get inside that game is fucking so i got that going on that's awesome this episode of Matt and Shane's secret podcast is brought to you by Dude Wipes. Matt, take it from there. Well, let me tell you something about these dude wipes right now, man. I'll love to take it right here. Here we go. I'm your butthole.

Yeah, me. The most overworked, underappreciated part of your body. Name two or three poor choices that your butthole never appreciates. For example, Buffalo wings, iced coffees, gas station, sushi. Yeah. There's, I mean, all of those. going on this is this is disgusting stuff yeah halapeno poppers root beer floats that's a weird one to tie to your butt i don't know what that would do to my butt yeah also they put in here um

two foot double ended deal yeah that's bad for your butt but corner store chili cheese dogs i'm the one dealing with your poor choices that's from the butthole what and then you drag a dry ass tissue across me like you're sanding a piece of shit coffee table until i'm a throbbing red balloon knot Who the fuck wrote this ad? Dude Wipes, available at retailers nationwide and Amazon. Look, they do fucking rule. You don't have to write that ad read. Yeah.

They're good for your butt. It feels good. It's, I mean, having, traveling with them is real. Traveling with them is great. First day of traveling, my ass falls apart. It's just completely blistered. You get a oil slick. Exactly.

And these are designed specifically. Well, the oil slick then irritates the skin. If it was just an oil slick, fine. But then your skin gets all irritated. but having these to come back from and just yeah like after like a warrior in battle just kind of dabbing it you know but yeah

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what else is going on just distracting yourself from the comedy wars the comedy wars are in full effected The comedy wars The war for the butt wipes Yes, we have all the butt wipes They're coming for our butt wipes They want to take our butt wipes sponsors

Our seat is still young And our butt wipes may dwindle The butt wipes will slip through our fingertips Into the hands of more experienced podcasters Yes You're just mad to have all the butt wipes So sad to see, man It's tough to see

No, I got to say to everybody And sorry if you don't like this I hope they all find peace and joy and happiness dude For real Yeah I hope everybody does I hope I do That'd be fucking sick

Yeah you'll get dude You keep working like I saw you fucking working I know I was worried I had a good day I had a good day yesterday too Got the pool laid around So you know it's time

It's time to build a hut How'd you hear about that game I had it a while ago It was it was It was so boring I stopped Really Yeah I mean it takes like

A level of like I don't know I know what you mean Dude that's Yeah I could I could lock into that though I get the same thing Where if it's like

Just give me that task I get to the end Like you see Because that's also That's slow going progress Bro It's not some like Bullshit

Where you're just hitting necks And like walls are appearing You're exactly right Matt That's you know I'm glad you appreciate What I've done over there Dude I saw the village For real

I got some chickens I've just built a chicken coop Got to get into town And buy some chickens But I got to sell All those fucking baskets First so I can buy a chicken True

I saw you That's kind of where you left off Skits, they've fucked my village. That was a mistake. Yeah, they're using all my sticks that I've gathered. Those stone tools are nice, so I saw them. Stone tools were nice. I didn't realize that, yeah.

Yeah, that makes sense. The baskets, you guys were a small commune. Of course, you made wicker baskets. Checking for balls. All right, keep an eye on the balls. We can't have that again. Oh, you're checking looking at his penis the whole time? I saw you check the lens.

You want to see if there's a good shot. So far, we're good. Sean, if his penis slips out, we lose all the butt wipes. And we lose all of our butt wipes? I'll lose all of our butt wipes. If my penis was able to fly out of these shorts, I would sacrifice all the butt wipes. I'd be such a happy guy. Dude, I knew my dick.

I knew my dick was too big to be a podcaster. I can't even sit down anymore. Instead, I have the perfect design penis for a podcast. That thing's not going anywhere. YouTube loves the size of my penis, dude. No problem. is this podcast safe for kids yes yes it is forever eternally uh so i got medieval going yeah uh oasis on tomorrow that's gonna be tight it's today wednesday yeah tomorrow's thursday yeah tomorrow's thursday

we're gonna be there tomorrow night yeah it'd be fucking sick that's crazy in yeah in shutdown and then uh so tomorrow i believe this underarmic commercial or internet video comes out tomorrow so i can talk about it now. I'm very excited about it. I put Phil in it. Dude. Phil Gillis makes his acting debut. Furl kills it, honestly.

He was great. He was. Phil and head coach Marcus Freeman at the Notre Dame Fighting Irish finally on screen together. That's the people have been begging for this. It plays well. Phil does all right.

I swear to God, you usually can tell if somebody's never, especially like, it's like a real fucking thing. So it's like... Yeah, he did great, but it was funny to watch him and Marcus find out about how shitty making a commercial is how long it takes so every we did the same scene fucking yeah so many times and both of them were like all right yeah like we're getting we got it from one one camera

we're gonna switch and do the same thing over and over again yeah Phil got a little tired he was ready to get to the linebacker yeah bar there is there a bar called the linebacker yeah at Notre Dame and Phil Phil frequency it it is funny because he definitely probably thought this is like I was like I was like probably half a hour 20 minutes 30 minutes film is out of and a half an hour just fucking how long two minutes long three minutes long it's got to be fucking 30 minute film yeah not the case took all day have you grinded the tape at all on the commercial i've been grinding the tape did you really yeah i've watched it so many times what do you think of actually yeah you're so happy you have you have ground the tape yeah like is like the best

thing see phil it at no name it's very nice i don't care if the commercial sucks it doesn't it's good yeah but it's nice to get them out there it's nice anyway and i called him like the day before we filmed. Did you really? He'd be like, Phil, you're in this. He was like, okay. Yeah, he pretended to you. He was like, all right, Shane, you got to pay me this time.

You got to pay me a lot to get me out there. I was like, get on the fucking plane, dude, shut up. He definitely hung up. I was like, oh, fuck. Yeah, he was, Joan, Joan. Read me my lines. You got the beautiful flight from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania to South Bend, Indiana. Oh.

You want to see some ugly people? Get on that fucking flight. Everyone's hurt. Everyone's got a disease and it was fucked up. Harris bring to Indiana That's an ugly bunch Phil was probably They probably were like

You must be a movie star They just catapult a bus All the way Just fucking get a greyhound It's launch it Yeah Phil must have been Yeah That's why he was so confident

He probably felt good on that flight True Yeah It's also what was embarrassing Because we brought The crew who filmed it Was everyone who did tires So

But it just Me and my dad Both act like we went to Notre Dame like we were driving around like you see this campus here this part of the campus is they look at the bricks they use it's the same bricks in every building a lot of campuses don't have that actually take a look at that I for real forgot you guys both didn't go there no no I was like yeah that's right none of us went dude we walked around like yeah now look at that that's the grotto I took these fucking animals from Philadelphia to the

grotto did you they were just screaming they were hammered they were just making noise and I was in they're like knock it off yeah yeah yeah fucking enough of that I said a prayer. I said a prayer for my young baby, Matthew. Thank you. I'm going to be strong. What do you want for your child? I just, I can't wait to play as him. You know, I can't wait to inhabit his body. Yeah, true.

No, I mean, I hope he's as strong of a lumberjack is his father. True. That's all we need is more logs. His father's a skilled craftsman as well. True. I saw a couple of fucking... So I put together a stone knife to skin that deer. Stone knife on the fly.

It was impressive. Yeah. That's where it gets a little pathetic, where I know exactly how many sticks and stones I need to grab shit. That was, uh, anyway, but Phil's acting debut is tomorrow. That's nice. Currently, when this is out, hopefully. I think it's tomorrow. It'll be, uh, I know this will be out tomorrow.

I can assure you that. Gardini's on the case. All he's got to do is blur your monster hog. You got to blow this hog out again. Somebody's got to feed these hogs. Dude, I, oh man, I think I, I think I message. Oh, yeah, I told Gardini about this. I came across a thing.

I think it was like the day we recorded the podcast last week. Unfortunately, my YouTube has... I've been, like, curating my YouTube because it's just starting getting, like, annoying political stuff. And obviously, no jumper comes back up because I think Blizz has been sending me some stuff or I don't know.

But I come across this... Actually, this came across my feed organically, but there was a guy who was in the Crips. And none of this is funny, by the way, because it is a tragic situation. But, I mean, I mean, dude, I sit up all night fucking watching this video. So I didn't

know about this guy. He was in the Crips. He was like, you know, like a real gangbanger. And he was doing drugs. He was on, he was on a fent pack, ice pack. He's doing fentanyl meth. Nice. He said his own words. Yeah, he's doing that pretty serious pack. And he

claims, his story is that he was at a party one night. Someone spiked his perp with meth, which is like, dude, special place in hell. Yeah. If you do, if you do fent and meth, your foraging skills go up to 10. You were a 10 level forgery. Well, it's his one up too high.

Oh, really? Yes, because he doesn't remember any of this. So he just, like, was, you know, out partying. He was like a gangbanger doing drugs, just living the life. And he just woke up one morning and everyone called him, like, yo, like, what the fuck are you doing? And he checked the interweb. Apparently, he had been on FaceTime and got dominated by a Swedish lady into sucking, I believe, a phanta bottle. and putting it in his

butthole or around I don't know if went in I don't want to you know it went around or in his butthole and he just got like

completely gay dominated by a Swedish lady and he goes I don't remember any of it then his whole gang beat his ass oh well they had to

what the fuck they had to beat him up they had to beat him up what happened to just razzing a guy no there's no razin because it

I just call him zesty after it was beyond it was beyond the yeah if you do more zesty shit me and mad are gonna fucking jump

We'd have the D.P. We had, yeah. Paul said, but that's what's called DPA. That was big balls. We have the D.P. We had the D.P. But yeah, dude, it was, I was shaking in my bed, just laughing, like, although it isn't funny, but I was laughing just like. It's very funny.

Dude, sucking a Phantom bottle and getting kicked out of a gang is maybe the funny, truly maybe the funniest thing in the world. Yeah, what did you get kicked out of the gang for? We got beat up. Huh? Well, yeah, he got, he got beat up, and then he went to jail. So I think he's still in the game. according to him.

According to me, too, I say he's still in the gang. My favorite thing about it was you told me that he blamed it on the bloods or the crypts or whatever game. Oh, the blood set me up. I need the blood set them up.

They spiked them so they could gay dominate them on FaceTime because of the meth. That's diabolical stuff. He literally had meth and turned gay. Just for a night. Man, why does meth keep turning everyone kind of gay?

Bro, I don't know. It does it to people, man. I think you just have so much energy from it that you just start going like, Yeah, usually don't have time to do gay stuff. You take a little math you go. I want to hit the dance floor. Yeah.

It's like I've gotten all of my straight business done. I still have a whole other half of my day that I usually sleep. Side quest. Yeah, you have a whole. Like if you don't sleep for three days, your schedule opens up. Yeah. You know? Because usually it's like, dude, we're so tired.

We work so hard. We don't have time to be gay. Yeah. Wish I did. Oh, James. Oh, nice. James. Why don't you just come right in?

Yeah, join. Grab a seat. Grab a seat. Grab a seat, brother. Grab a seat. Grab a brother, Jims. Grab a broadcasting apparatus. I think I'm good.

Yeah. Nice. I think good, yeah. Good. Went to the thinkery. Finkery. Shelf and got all splashy. Place is a little too busy for my liking.

I lost track of the children for whole stretches of time. And there's a lot of big kids running around. Yeah. The place, if you have an older kid, fantastic. For little kids. Are they lad boys? It's full spectrum, bro. It's nose arc in there.

Yeah. There's two of every kind. That's true. really is it is it's a lot of old it's just like 25 field trips bouncing off of each other like particles and you just have to like grab your three year old and like it's like it's like young simba getting lost in the stampede but um also say many beautiful young mothers i mean this i notice every time i'm there i'm the only dad and it's all the five the mothers and the young sexy nannies and they're all there yep and me and my kids just staring at the you know the science

that's what I'm spending my time looking at. Do you go to the upstairs or the shopping area? We shopped. There's a height chart that children can come and see how high there and I have a complex that my son is small but I measured him. He's of normal height and I felt good and I felt proud.

What percentile? Bang in the middle. Couldn't be more in the middle. 50 percentile. There we go. I'm sorry, I'm like, thank you for heaven. You're totally fine, man. We were just not long.

I don't recall. 32 minutes of a hundred. I had a guess. 20, no, 15. 25. We're at 25 right now. 20. So yeah, you're close.

22. When he came in. 23. Fuck it. What's up, Janice? Just hanging out. James, we gotta make a video for the crows. This has been a devastating couple of weeks for the crow boys.

Why? All right. Not doing well? We finished top of the ladder. So you finish the season, home and away season, we're number one. It was fantastic. You might have to bleep a word that I'm about to say.

But our star player, Isaac, rank. You're not going to bleep it? I don't mind. No. He called someone in the opposition. Wow, wow. And he got dropped for four weeks. What?

Which is the entire final season if you win the first game. Do they investigate why he did that? He was upset. A player on the opposite team had concussed him the year before and been rubbed out for less than four weeks, I think, or exactly that. And so he was dropping that. Now, the man, he did say that to paints his nails and wears a lot of perfume. So that whole Collingwood back line is fate. but this is I mean it's just

if he had punched him in the throat he would have got less time but the league is they've got all the women players now and they're all rainbow coalition and it's just the women is a different sport though right or do they have for real women they get pushed together

it's the same sport played at a less captivating I'll get in trouble but it's not as good to watch you watch you can't be able to say it what are you talking about you're not going to get in trouble dude you're not going to get cancer

I can't watch it's also it's a violent sport you don't want to see ladies getting punched in the back of the head no me either at least at the long unless i'm at the thinkery then i start hitting some real thoughts oh i can't have my coffee in here huh okay that's fair yeah how do you like that straight into the fucking lazy river bitch it is funny because you like you're not allowed to have coffee in there and they'll like come up to you and be like um you're not allowed to have that and all you have to do literally go okay and just keep walking And they'll come back up 10 minutes later,

I'm sorry, but you're not allowed to have that. You go, oh, I'm sorry about that. And you just keep walking. Sorry, I didn't hear you. It's also so annoying. It's like, dude, yeah, I can have this. Relax. I'm not going to, like, dump it on a kid.

I need this right now. So you're telling me there's hot moms and nannies there? Yeah. Oh, yes. For sure. Sounds like a nice time. Now, is it a, what's going on there? He said people were splashing?

There was a splash pad upstairs. Yeah. Oh, I thought it was a water park. No, no, it's a museum. Thinkery is like a kids, science museum. I've got a lot of children's museum. But all these children's museums are basically the same. I've been to 20 across America.

Yeah, you just touch a bunch of shit that a bunch of kids already touched. Everyone gets sick. You're sick. Kids spits right in your fucking mouth. It's positive in a way that the grown-up museums are not positive. You go to the grown-up museum, like, this land is stolen. Slavery was terrible. Look at all these birds that don't exist anymore.

You go to the kids museum. You want to look at a microscope? Yeah. It's the sun. It's cool. You know? I also like, like, Like each one has a kind of rocket launching room.

Yes. Where they have like a thing you put on, you can mess with the angles. Send a handkerchief up into the air. The hangarchiefs, scarf things different. Do they have that of the thinkery where you could like put a foam rocket and step on a pedal? No, they didn't. They only had handkerchiefs. It must be nice to have kids so you can impress them with.

Oh, dude. Just everything. Yeah, they get stoked. You launched that fucking rocket. Dude, me and Maya did a, uh, an inflatable pool in our front yard yesterday. And it was like, it was leaning. on a hill and I just laid in this thing, just spraying a hose in the pool, just on both of us while it filled up. Just killed like two hours. It was awesome.

Later in the clouds. You go out there alone and you have five or six beers and pass out on the front lawn. That's the drain. Dude, the inflatable pool is nice, bro. Yeah. My wife was hating on me. She's like, you look like fucking white trash out here. I was like, get that fucking stuff. Get in here. Definitely look like white trash. Dude, it was a, it was a crooked pool. Hosing down a fucking inflatable pool. Yeah. And I didn't fill it up all the way, so I was just like leaning in it. Like, the above ground pool is never a classy no above ground hot tub is acceptable

I think oh yeah yeah for sure for sure huge above ground pool oh yeah that's very oh well it's like yeah you get in there you're like man this fucking rules yeah they're pretty awesome they're like a fraction of the price and you can build a nice little wood deck around them to really spruce them up

well that's faking getting it into the ground it is building the ground up yeah the deck's not also you know you're gonna have a good time oh yeah I mean I would love sit on a deck and an above above ground pool you're like we're gonna somebody's gonna fight oh yeah

this is gonna be crazy you make it you can make a nasty whirlpool in those things too yeah because everything's standing heights so you and all your cousins just run as fast as you can like a Muslim dance I used to hate on above ground pools

now I'm kind of like they're kind of nice especially for the money of it like in ground pool you can build you ever see a front yard I think you're like illegal I think you're allowed to do that

there's some front yards in McHachshry there were when I was growing up I think the people at the end of my block that had a horse in their front yard and had a above ground They had a horse in their front They had a horse tied to their tree in their front yard Just every time you do it

For fucking, it was a horse It was there for fucking 20 years It was not dying It was amazing By the end it looked like the horse death was on Because usually in the Midwest You can't even have I mean just every yard

Is exactly the same It's just flat lawn The backyard you can do something a bit wild But they had a full horse Growing up, there was no HOA. Right, that's come in later. Yeah. Stop all these horses that people are.

The horses, I'm surprised, made it as long as it did. Because every house in my neighbor had grown up was nice. And then at the end of the block, there was just this. It looked like it was made out of, like, plywood house with a fucking dying horse tied to its front. And it wasn't a big yard. The yard was like the size of my front yard. It'd be like if I had a horse tied to that tree. Think about it.

Crazy. Could be cool. I once saw a... My neighbor did it has fucking animals. I sort of chicken. I've seen turkeys. I've seen turkeys walking around. Yeah. Roosters. I like that. It's crazy. The best thing I ever saw in Austin was a, it was a black guy on a horse just in a suburb. It was like in a neighborhood on a main road. No helmet. He was texting. He was texting and clopping. He was texting and cloppeding. Well, they never got rid of horses, right? Like, legally, you can still take a horse. Philly has them. Philly has their own like horse.

The Philly has horses. No. Oh, yeah. Well, people are around the cobblestones of cows. No, yeah. It's in West Philly and it's in also North Philly. There's a tradition of black guys with horses? Yes.

I like this. The first time I saw one was a year like 20, it must have been like 2014 or, you know, whatever, sometime around then. And I was like very, very high at nighttime walking up to my house in West Philly and a black dude on a horse came by me. And I was like, what the fuck? I thought I was hallucinating. I swear to God, I was like, what is going on?

And then, like, I looked into it. And there is like a, there's stables. Where are the fuck are they? Yeah, there's like a stable. They're not that expensive. It was in Rocky,

it was in a creed too. They, like a huge plot is the horse guys. Concrete Cowboys. Yeah. It's a way of life. I, I felt so free looking at this man.

No equipment. I think he had a saddle. That was it. He wasn't riding bareback on horse. Nobody was a helmet to ride horses anyway. Only like fox catcher. or something. Hey, what are you talking about?

We're from a very helmeted country. My kids are learning to ride bikes now with no helmets and I'm so happy. My mom will be upset if she ever finds out. Yeah. There's such a freedom to not wearing a helmet on those kids. Yeah, they're learning fast. Yeah, they better. Yeah, it's a good move.

The way I was taught to ride a bike is my dad took me to the top of a hill by my elementary school the first time without training wheels and just launched me. And I couldn't, I didn't know how to, I just went straight into the, I was flying, just straight into these bushes. Yeah. hit bushes as well yeah thorns right in there yeah tough to do my kid like champs riding the bike they don't do training wheels anymore you do a thing where you have no training wheels but your feet touch the ground you have no pedals and you just like push yourself along and you learn how to balance

then one day we just threw on pedals and she just took off no problem it's actually it's pretty insane so training wheels are like the worst how happy were you I was pretty happy honestly that'd be nice I was pretty pumped I just ran actually I think I just skateboarded after and it was kind of nice it's kind of scary though because they don't know how to turn it all so they're like no it's pretty and then like the street they'll they'll they will just ride right through the street you got to be like stop i did that yeah a lot yeah this episode is brought to you by prize picks matt chain what was your favorite part of last football season the super bowl what was your favorite part of the football season was it watching sequin barclay yeah when it was honestly

watching uh against the chiefs yeah i saw that night a chiefs fan in the house So that was, uh, yeah, I mean, it almost felt bad because they were winning so badly that I was, yeah, he just went outside the whole time. What are you most excited about in this upcoming season, Matt? This upcoming season, I, is there any young teams? I like it. I'd like to see a young team really kind of snapped together. Trying to think of a cool young team. Unfortunately, it's the Washington commanders are kind of the cool. Are they really? Younger team. No, I've been beefing with Washington for a good upside. Yeah, I don't want to. Also, I'm kind of pissed they change. I don't, you know, I don't.

Bro's pissed. They should have picked something else. Matt, Talk about your thoughts on the upcoming football season. This is going to be a big year, man. They got a lot of new things coming in. I know they got Friday night football is big. They got a lot more.

Are they adding the 15th game? Because that is kind of a 16th. They've already done. Maybe more. Okay. That's what I want to see. I want to see football get more commercialized. Yeah.

In a way, you know, I want to see them grind some more money out of these players. Yes. And extra weeks. on a grueling sport that has constant injuries. If they blow them in these... Yeah, if they get hurt, they get fucking hurt, man.

Fuck it. I don't care. Yeah, that's good. I want to see... I just want to see more merch. I want to see more. We do need more merch. All this football talk is getting me pumped.

It's getting me plumped, dude. Thankfully, the football season is already underway on prize picks. Prize picks is offering season-long stat picks that we can take right now before the season even starts. You think about that. Here we go. Prize picks is simple to play. Just pick more or less.

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to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. That's code drenched to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. Price picks, run your game. I'll do it. Yeah, go ahead. Black Israelite

My new comedy special September 1 It's coming out on my It's gonna be really great Huge I've seen you run a lot of that material And you've seen it all Yeah

Yeah and every time you've done a show with me Every single DM I get after It was like who the fuck was that Australian man Well it's only 23 minutes I've panicked It's perfect That's all you need It's gonna be awesome

And I tour dates I'm going to Houston St. Louis Omaha Springfield Indianapolis Las Vegas Irvine Los Angeles Baltimore And more Where can they get tickets J.D.F. McCann.com.

I've got to work on a better website. J.D.F.M.M.C.com. J.D.F.M.C.B.C.E.F.M.C.C.D.C. Yeah. Desquireding levels of egg. New book of poems. Number one. They won't give me a book deal. This is good. Also, I just put out a couple of tour dates. Shane M. Gillis.com. Go to my YouTube's please. Yeah. Matt's got that cartoon. It's great. I have a whole new song, too, man. It's really good. Thank you. Do you hear my song? Do you even listen to my song?

I haven't heard the song. Yeah, it's half credit sequence. It's a very short game with a minute and a half of a song. We got more plugged? Yeah, get in there. And please, if you're in a gas, Atlanta, please come see me October 23rd at Atlanta Helium. That'd be huge for me. Thank you so much.

Was I not on screen? God damn it. God damn it. Oh, Anna. And I'll have to have not this September 2nd. September 2nd next week, please, thank you. And well done on the Madison Square got... A third is on sale?

Third's on sale now. You're going to break a record. No. The record is five. Sebastian Manuscalco on five. I looked it up. You got five. You sold the first two out in like a day.

Yeah. It's not until next year. It's until January. My stock could go down by then. No. It could be an empty garden. No. And if it is an empty garden, I'm still performing.

For sure. It's going to be the funniest way to end. It'd be the best thing ever. Literally the best way to end a career. If my career falls off between now and January, I'm doing three empty gardens. That would be so nice. I'm just going home.

That would be a nice special, too. A triple crayon. Just got the triple crown. Three straight silent bombs. Scalpers just get fucked. Scalpers get absolutely fucked. Yeah, that's a kind of a dream. It would be a nice way to go home.

It would be awesome. I could put all my effort in a medieval dynasty. Focus heavily on building the ultimate city in town from my beautiful wife. I'm looking after the kids every day. My wife is, she's unwell and she was in bed and I've just got the kids every day. And I'm just trying to tie them out with,

they're just going around the other children on the street. They want my weird children to go away from them. They circle up to them and ask to play with their basketball. I taught him how to swim. That was a big breakthrough this week. Go to the pool. And I just try and exhaust my ADHD daughter by forcing her to swim. She's, I'm tired, Dad.

I go, swim through it. Yeah. Push on, go. She's, her shoulders are getting, it's only been like two weeks, but it's huge. You're going to be watching Lady AFL. You're going to be watching the lady crom. I just have a trans son who can dominate the league.

No, I don't know, not even for that. That'd be nice. The crom is, this is heartbreaking this week. It's ruined my, the fact that they could do that. All he did was call a mannibu. And they're going to take his career away from him. That's so much worse. Is he benched for a little bit?

For the finals? Is that first time playing finals in eight years? Is he on record saying it? Can he be like, I didn't say that? He copped to it immediately. He said, there must have had footage. I wanted him to come out as gay. I thought that would have been, that would have been the move, but he loves the ladies.

Sweet Isaac. And then he went to Italy to cool down. Oh, that's not good. I know. It should still be training if you guys lose the first, still make it to the groundy. I don't think he was doing well. We've all got a rally behind Oz. He's not getting, like, banned from the league.

You just got suspended, right? But it's four games. So if you lose the first game, he can still. You've really picked it up. I'm trying to get to the granny. You're grinding the tape. I've been grinding the tape. A lot of people are afraid to grind the tape.

The dream is that we lose the first game of the finals, and then he would get to play in the grand final. But what is nice about the AFL is you can't be taken off for a foul. You can be suspended afterwards, but they can't take you off at any point in the game. So when you announce your retirement before the grand final, the violence is astronomical. That's awesome.

You get a blank check. They can't do anything to you. Do you think Tex is going to hit the... If Tex retires... You think he's going to go wild? I reckon the arms might come out. Yeah. I think so. Yeah.

I reckon the arms when I come out on big ticks. Would need a granny fadolite, up the crumb. Up the crumb. Up the fucking chrome. I would like to see my trans daughter dominate in sports. If I'm being honest, if it's like, you know, because it's a lot to process. You imagine having a trans daughter lose in all those sports? Go.

We're putting it back on. There was an Indian trans at the Olympics or intersex. It still couldn't keep up with the ladies. Yeah. well that's dead and the people although that's kind of hard thing it's like damn you really are a fucking girl yeah yeah

thought you were fucking you earned it bud yeah I thought you were fibbing I thought you were fibbing pretension in elementary school you were fucking dead on in the car you fucking unathletic bitch I'd have to stop though and be like

be honest with me you weren't losing out of kink you were throwing that was that kink yeah that was a little kink yeah that would be cool though just watching like pure domination and being like that's my girl

everyone's like crying about it but what about the parents also that would fire me to fuck up dude if I was like the pen swimmer's fucking parents

yeah people like get him out of the pool that's a guy be like you shut the fuck up science is real bitch I would I'd be the biggest lib on earth

if that was my kid I'd be in there I'd be you'd have no choice I'd hold a Ukraine flag every fucking match yeah you'd have to I'd be going crazy

yeah unless somehow you can do a Jenner be Republican Trans Yeah Republican Trans is the most powerful Dangerous force We gotta get up in the log cabin True

You know the log cabin is? I thought you were talking about No no no The log cabin is where all the gay It's like the gay Republican gathering place They call it a log cabin I don't know why The log cabin is where like gay Republicans

Can join Finally Yeah You get the log cabin Out of the toilets Into the beautiful It's the poor guys You have to go to a public toilet

The rich Republican guys Lock cabin. A fancy log cabin. I might go there, shake something. Shake something for the boys? I might shake something. Shake something for... Shake some crime statistics for him.

Oh, they probably jizz everywhere. You know, my dick's only 13% of what it should be, but it's about to commit 50% of your fucking ass. Is that fucking from South Carolina? Is that gay fuck? I don't know if I should say it like that, but you know who I'll talk about. Lindsay Graham.

No, you cannot say. Lindsay Graham's in there. Working for the boys, dude. Honey, I got to go to the log cabin again. Yeah, I was a... Dudey calls. We're bashing pubs. I'm all about it.

I was fucking looking at Audible last night. I was trying to get a book going. What did you got? And then it was like the books under like history. I just looked at the top. One of them's... What's that fucking, who's the FBI? Cash Patel's book.

It's like American and gangster. are like political gangsters and it's like how we're going to expose the deep state that's his book it's called political gangsters and got threatened and he went and he got in there and said

Epstein fucking did it he killed himself yeah you know what turns out the gangsters have done there political gangsters yeah it turns out there actually are political gangsters and they don't cut my head off there's a hubbilloo about Melania

being on the cover of Fannity Fair one of those magazines I don't know which one and there's people saying like this staff Either it's Vanity Fair or people, I don't know But there's a They're saying like the staff Is threatening to leave And for the first time

I've never seen this But I saw one of the And it could have just been a bot on Twitter But someone was like How do you fucking like it There's 100 million of us Trumpers And we'll get it We will support this magazine stand

Against the fascist And I was like whoa The lives are fascist now The lives I didn't know the lips are fascist I gotta get me some of that vanity fair magazine Dude they're like we are 100 million strong We will support you Bolanio

on your cover of vanity there. They're both fascists. That's the both sides to call each other. I think now is just if someone who disagrees with you is a fashion. Did you see Marion this week?

No. He's coming for Chappelle. He's saying that Netflix standing with Chappelle showed that they were a fascist organization and he would not work with them. He's right. They are.

No. I'm feeling the win. I'm kidding. I'm feeling the wind. I'm feeling the wind shift. I'm going full work, dude. I'm going full fucking work. I am.

too fucking fascist dude what did that guy say in the soccer game piece of shit yeah yeah piece of shit dude crackerbell I was furious I was fucking livid dude they reversed it today they took it back yeah he's got they pussies what happened to crackerbell is a bunch of that's what you don't like yeah you can't fold dude go to the minimalist Scandinavian design cracker barrel took the old white guy off the cover what and they everyone was like you fucking Pussies, woke. That's fascist. That's fascism.

Also, what doesn't even walk about taking an old white guy off a thing? A cracker, why did they take the cracker off there? They took the cracker and the barrel off. What? Oh, the barrel too? The barrel. Yeah, it just said cracker barrel and like shitty. It was a terrible redesign.

But nobody was mad about, I mean, I guess people were upset. They were like, this is a bad redesign. That would have been a fair critique. But instead, people were like, fucking woke bullshit. It was an extra guy. I want my cracker barrel. I was that old guy. So wait, they put him on.

I don't know, so they did, what was the redesign of a barrel? It just said CrackerBow. It's just a yellow ball shape. It used to be a guy sitting there next to the word CrackerBail. They got rid of the guy. Was he a Jew? It was a separate. I mean, if you really want to look into the history, yeah, probably.

Perveyor of fine, cheeses. I thought there was going to be a logo spaz on the Notre Dame guy. What did they do with that? They changed it to a guy running the football. And when we were, when we were filming that commercial, they showed me. The Under Armour people were like, here's the new. logo. Here's the new leprechaun. And I was like, you know, you guys, you don't know what you're doing.

Why did they do that? No. If you change this guy, you guys are fucked. Wait, is it the same guy? I thought this guy was still around, but sometimes. He's still around. That's how the Reddit board managed to defend is that, no, every team has a, let's an ultimate logo. It's an ultimate logo. Yeah. You can't get rid of this. But everybody loves the lepercon running the football. That's coming. That's next

week. Yeah. It's Sunday. I am. This Sunday? Yes. Week zero's been good, though. I'm not going to go. I got to go. I'm going to be Chicago till Sunday. I'm going to fly to PA. I'm going to watch it. You're going to be so close to it. I'm going to watch Notre Dame, Miami and Pennsylvania. Where? Chicago?

Chicago. Oh, no, it's at Miami. It's at Miami. Honestly, they don't have a good track record down in Miami. Matt, you're exactly right. I've been watching tape. They've had a tough time. You've been grinding the tape. They don't do well on at Miami because it's fucking Miami Super Bowl. Is it a quarterback a true freshman? Red shirt, Matt. He's a red shirt. He's a red shirt. He's going up against Carson Beck, who's a transfer from

Georgia who had a hell of a career. Oh, no. And he's at Miami now. So the quarterback, we'll see. We're going to have to protect him. We're going to have to protect young CJ. Yeah, true. Yeah.

It's going to come down to the nose tackle from where I gather for Miami. You've been grinding the fucking hill. I've gone to the tape, dude. It's crazy. That's my take. Personally, that's my take. That's going to come down to that nose tackle man. Because we all know they got that defense event.

Exactly. We know about that defense event. That de tackle can eat up two blockers. And now you're leaving one-on-one a tackle at that at the end or, I mean, God forbid a fucking running back picking up the past. fuck how long so when they when they played ohio that that one drive was what about 18 minute drive because i want to see him do some first drive it was 18 plays 18 plays that's it was the whole first quarter it was yeah i want to see i want to see a couple more little some little more explosive

a little more dynamic in terms going down the field to well that's that's what we're hoping with this quarterback there he's got more of an arm does he yeah there we go last guy was a runner yeah i'll tell you what third and one you're getting that first down with that quarterback yeah he's short air acceleration and he's bro he's willing to die for that yard and when you see your quarter he's Let's say you're a left tackle. You got a bum ankle, all right? You see your quarterback dive across that fucking first down marker. Suddenly that ankle doesn't hurt that bad anymore.

This whole team's ready to die right now. When it has Jeremiah Love's buddies holding up. Has he come back? Jeremiah Love's body is looking nice. All right, good. His body is looking good. We're going to have to keep him healthy. You're exactly right, James.

But we got good Gendarian prices back there, Nias Williams. We got some good running backs. I'm not worried about that. followed the whole on the off season as feld boys would walk around the Notre Dame campus and the press cover from this is incredible take a picture of the boys you go this kid's looking strong it's one way to do it a 17 year old with beautiful shit that's a news story for Notre Dame is a 17 year old with big

shoulders is walking around the campus we saw him smiling with coach Freeman that's good that's good you know who else is what me I'm the one who's read that yeah get him get him do you make a Reddit exception for reading about Notre Dame no I stay off Reddit Oh, you get to miss out on all of the real. Bro, if I open Reddit, the first thing I see is shangelo's fucking blows, dude. I can't get on there. Coverage is very positive. That's not.

Do you think the coach ever, like, during locker time just looks at the muscles of all of his team? In like a good way. Like, damn, these guys have so many fucking muscles. This is like the physical machinery. For sure. I would. No, like, that's a guy's job. That's awesome.

Yeah. That's why strength and conditioning coaches are like out of their mind. True. They're like serious about that. Yeah. It's fucking awesome. Just getting that extra. You want your team to pass the eye test.

Yes. You want to win the game getting off the bus. Oh. You see those boys get off the bus? You go, ooh, it's going to be a long day. I liked it when we played Georgia and many of them were fat. And the commentary gets stuck in on fat teenagers playing the four days ago. Hmm.

Strengthening program might have a couple of questions to answer. I'm exhausted all my grind the tape stuff I memorized. Dude, I'm out. You got to get more. You got to get more. Well, we were watching nasty YouTube videos about. about the comedy wars. And I was like, what are we doing?

Let's get something positive. No, I had to stop. Put it on fucking grind the tape. It's Rona Week. Now until Wednesday. You hear that? That's the sound of your summer getting a second life. It's the sound of a Rona pressure washer at only 9999.

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the universe hangs in the balance bro well the comedy wars yes dude the Austin comedy scenes too powerful LA and New York need to unite to destroy the Austin comedy scene how are they going to stop it that is so we have all the buttwebs we have all the buttwebs there are there he is They're doing a nice successful blockade on the butt wipes. They're going into, like, deep political theory. I mean, like, it's actually fascist. You're going to backfire.

You can't do that. Blue Jew. You can't do it with basically with me. You can't call the group fascists. But then you can't say you're not fat. It's going to be like Cracker Barrel. It's going to be like Vanity Fair. True.

You can't do that. True. They're going to go, well, the, that's the best. There's a thousand disabled guys going, we will sit with you for my minute. I don't get that. The disabled guys are a little nasty fox stairs. They're the ones They're the little climber fuckers

Dude yeah Think about it You think because of the disability You're like this guy must be a sweetheart Then you talk to him You go this guy's a little climber This guy's a little nasty fuck Think about the drudgery

That could be any of them I'm not similar Some of them don't have a lot of time They've got to establish the career very quickly I think those guys They seem good Which specific the same They're all fake

Dude think about the Think about the fucking dread And like drudgery of just being like a healthy young man in an office you're like I got to escape this form that is my life if you fucking strap me down and like scramble my fucking wires I'd be like I got I gotta fucking do something about this I would yeah you got to nothing but respect for the disabled bros for sure killing it I they get me every time like New York have any disabled men a lot of stairs in that there's a couple disabledmen a lot of fake ass motherfuckers yeah the salary

It's going to get carried down into the cell. True. Yeah, is that place even fucking... Is that place's ADA compliant, by the way? The stand? Let me find out of the cellars on ADA compliant. If you go in the front, yeah, they'll get some of those guys. I was about to make a YouTube video, thank God.

I was about to fucking trash the... Dude, the New York comedy scene, we're coming for you. We need ramps? We need ramps, dude. That's one thing that's got a fuck ton of. Every comedian takes 30 minutes to get to the stage. They've got to sit on one of those fucking... you see our pool parties

everyone's getting dipped in by those pulls in chairs we should get a zip line from the balcony I still get moved every time and I see a dude

with like genuine disabilities doing this thing on stage because it to me it's like I would give in I would be

it would just be too much for me I don't know that my spirit would be resilient enough to fucking practice the sacred art for a medicine

of comedy dude it's such a sacred art and that's what I that's what the thing that's driving me during the comedy wars is how sacred the artist. That's all.

Yeah, dude. The comedy wars will pass. Yeah, it will pass. It'll pass. I got to go to New York last week. I'm going back to Philly for about six months, so I'm out. Fuck the Austin scene, dude. No.

I'm back East Coast till I die, bro. East Coast all day. I talk to the people in the New York, and everyone talks a big game, and then when they see you, they're very interested in knowing how that that's working, and can they get a little piece of that? There's a hopelessness out there. You got L.A. You say, what are the podcasts that you can go on here?

They got nothing. They got the bad friends universe. No, there's a lot. There's a fucking, there's so many. L.A. and New York are doing great. No, New York's doing great on the podcast. L.A.

No, L.A. If you're Bill Bo's friend. Classman's out there. Yes, that's number three. There's a lot. And name a fourth. Name a fourth. How many are fucking here?

We've got the Matt and Shane's secret podcast. We've got the Joe Rogan experience. No, that's Philly. That's East Coast all day. No, you've got to take the Stuff Island being here. Philly all day. That's Philly podcast. What, am I Australian podcasting?

Philly? It depends on you. You got that lovely woman with the tits on your mom's house. I managed to almost not look at her boobs the whole time. We're like the Jews of the comedy series. We got kicked out of New York. Every four years. I say that respect.

We come in and we take all the butt wipes. We go, yeah, we're going back to Philly. Yeah. True. We need to get Congress to send like 9 million buttwebts to Philadelphia. We're going to get everything. Damn, I never thought of us. We are.

We are. Tried to get in New York. Almost all this got spewed out. So don't be like can't perform on Saturdays. Sorry, is you guys... Are you Jewish? No, I'm from the Philadelphia comedy scene. You might have heard of us.

I'm Orthodox. We have to wear gym shorts at all times. to return, dude. We have to return to our homeland. Beezer's the only one holding it down. He's in a tunnel. Beez is definitely acidic, dude. He's ultra-fucking Philly comedy scene.

Yeah, that's what he's doing right now, for real. I can't wait to take my birthright back to Philly. I'm so excited. I also like L.A. I was just out there. L.A. is a lot special. It's really nice. L.A. is great.

Comedy store is fucking great. I know. I like everywhere. Everything's, yeah. I hope it doesn't devolve into it in Biggie Tupac situation. I don't want to see, uh, I don't see Joe de Rosa gets shot in 92. He's also a Philly. He's one of us.

He migrates anyway. He's even fucking pictures with Tony like. He has a fucking deli, dude. He hasn't got a, he's a fucking Jewish deli. Fuck. Kirk Metzger. Massacre, Philly. He's also, yeah.

He's an extreme zitis, though. is it extreme ultra extreme yeah what a good time every don't relax and have a good time I really don't

I'm telling you the butt wipe money is driving everyone crazy how much are these butt people paying for podcast my booty too clean for them to have been in touch

with me but I wouldn't believe I would love to no offense dude your booty must be a fucking you shower like every three days I got a fly

your booty must be a goddamn disaster what's the ass like for real well the ass doesn't exist so it's straight butthole to a scene. We were just talking about that. Yeah.

Okay. Oh, it's easy to get in, for sure. Absolutely no worries getting in. If you don't shower for like three days. I've become a day, a habitual shower. That's what I'll, you're going to have to. Not today, obviously, but most. Oh, God damn.

Before bedtime. That's what I do. I do before bedtime. You got a shower before bed. Before bedtime. Like, if I feel, if my legs feel even like a dry sweat on them at all, I got to get out of bed. Shower up.

Seriously, how much is the bum money? I don't know. James, it's literally started. It's like oil money. Just look up how much a barrel of oil is at the same fucking price. Same thing. None of them will. That's when I could actually, they try and get me for the,

I couldn't do condoms and I don't think I could do sports bed gambling. Butt wipes. Butt wipes have never been in touch. I would love to, I could do erection ones. Bonner pills? I'd say, I'd do like the paleo ones. I've never had a problem with getting an erection, but if I did. There's butt wipes.

Yeah, butt wipes is obviously the biggest. I'm hearing the butt wipes everywhere. Sometimes a video game. That seems like a good. You can get a video game. Careful. It's like putting it on the ring once you read one butt wipes app. It's over.

Why is Coca-Cola not getting involved or something? Where's Cracker Barrel? Cracker Barrel's a double pivot back. I was hoping they didn't pivot so I could get another commercial. True. You wanted to be the face of... I would easily do that. I love Cracker Barter Barrow.

I would support Crackabow. They have like a good... I knew people who loved Cracker Barrow, and I think it was like the cheddar. They got some good cheddar going on there, I believe. There's a cracker barrel right next to my house growing up. You used to hit it? Didn't hit it as much as I showed up.

They got biscuits. They got biscuits out on there. I probably went like once, and it was like a 10-minute drive. There's nothing. I think I went to Cracker Barrel once as well. Right next to a Best Western and a Pitchin put. Did you know anyone who's like, who like loves cracking? I knew one person in my life who like loved Cracker Barrow.

I've hit a Cracker Barrow on the road and been like genuinely pumped. This place is decent. Yeah. Wasn't it? Wasn't Cracker Barrel like a big candy? Like isn't that there front of you go? Some hard candy up front. That's all I remember.

I went through a coat. The gift shop. Gift shop's popping. What did they sell? Fucking rocking chairs. What? Old toys. Beautiful dresses for chased women.

That's all I remember is that rock candy. People like to put racism on Cracker Barrel and I don't like it. What were they racist about? I think when I used to go as in Virginia. Not as a black people. I have seen many black people waiting tables at the Cracker Barrel. That is not a racist establishment at all. Well, that's not how you say.

Yeah. Is that not it? Is that not cool? That would be the most racist. They're hiring black people. They're giving jobs. And waiters kind of star the show, to be honest. Well, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to say something. Well, it's okay. It's not that serious. Don't worry, dude. We're under the spotlight, though. The podcast for us. You better not say anything bad. Butwipes, please.

They've seen some of these videos. It's not a Phillyelawks. They can't you out. Never give him. They never give him. They go in the Austin comedy scene except Shane Gillis and then they move on. They all fucking Philly at the moment. That's because they're all fucking Philly till.

I die, dude. They don't want the fucking ADL coming after them, dude. They know I'm here. Yeah, true. I'm exactly. I might be Netanyahu from Philly.

Yeah. God damn. I was in Ardmore. That was my last job. Fuck, I'm Netanyahu. Deer Ancestry.com. Connect you right to David.

I did. Went straight to David. I did my medieval dynasty. The first player was David. It'll blow over. It's a bunch of bullshit, man. like your motherfucking boo shit yeah it's kind of embarrassing

it is it's deeply deeply a bunch of bickering I don't like it we're better together that's what I'm saying that's what I'm saying stop Austin hate that's what I'm saying

stop Austin 8 don't make yeah don't make it become Austin strong beating us up in the street throwing us in front of fucking trains and shit stop Austin hate yeah true

who do you think is a New York comic who's been murdering everyone by a lady bird lake certain without a doubt she's fucking immature Mark Marin is stalking the streets at night killing hacks

Drew slaying all the hacks Say he might be on Assassin's Creed just sits in the back of an open mic and goes I do respect How uninspiring

Yeah yeah I do respect being old and just being like fucking hacks Everyone sucks They're all fucking hacks That could be the life cycle I'm in

Open mic or I was sitting around Going everyone's a fucking hack piece of shit We don't even become. This is, yeah, this is what you've done since day one. Who have I called a heck? I've seen you up the back of comedy rooms. Okay, in private.

Yeah, no. In private. You're very good in public, but. No. Yeah. I remember one of the first times we hung out. We were at the cellar and I was watching me and I said, this guy's good. You're like, it's cheap.

Everything he does is cheap. No, I wouldn't say it like that. I remember being like, eh, he's going to watch me at some point. Who was it? Mike this out. I don't actually. I couldn't tell you. I couldn't tell you.

I would never throw some. someone under the bus like that. True, not a brother. We were going to edit the name out. I don't want to decide of I was right. The brotherhood will be back. The brotherhood will be back. I trust me, bro.

But you will also call it when a person is good and people dislike them in the scene, you will champion them in the reverse. You'll go. True. That guy's actually great and you don't know what you're talking about. Yeah, look at you. I walked into that. I walked right into that and I understand.

You set a trap and fell right into it. Yeah. No, if I'm sitting there saying somebody sucks on. stage it's usually because I'm about to go next and I'm nervous that's a hype up for sure let me send that going to scrap fucking sucks dude that's a bullshit hack

fucking trash fuck that and then I get done with my side I'm like you did great man that was fucking really good I'm really relieved right now I'm ready to socialize I actually I want to bounce that out with a positive anecdote because it was the same night

that that happened there was a community that you really liked that other people were shitting on and I won't say it you got into it and I actually wanted to go home I wanted to order the Uber and take us back but you stood arguing for 90 minutes defending someone's comedic chops

Nice Yes You don't remember that I mean you were You'd had a few Also I had a couple Thank you for that by the way Yeah

No hold on Now we'll blank it out Who was it? Wow wow Yeah Well that's what you Yeah If you come on man

That's just hanging around The cellar That's just table stuff You know True That's just being at the table That's a nice That's a nice

Templar That's where that kind of talk belongs dude You can't You can't give it out To the civilians For free dude You can't diffuse the legendary hanged

So many fucking assassins down here We got No, it'll cool down Yeah, let's talk about some Once they replace all of our jobs With AI, we'll chill out Hey man, I'm sorry to that what I said Back in 2025

Yeah I've been getting the way They've been giving me the waymos For the first time I still haven't been in one I'm waiting Now once they crack I think they eventually

They go do you want one waymo And if you like it Then they just nothing but waymos They're the new They suck What's good with them I hate the Waymo. Maybe because I just live far from the city.

No, I didn't get banned. You were smoking cigs in a Waymo? I got away with that, Scott Free. You're on Cam, are you? That's off record. But what were you doing in the Waymo? I was smoking a cigarette in the Waymo, but I didn't get in trouble. But it takes too long.

Maybe I live too far away from the city, but they can't go on the highway. So it'll take you like 30 minutes to do like a 10-minute drive. How did you smoke the cig? Opened up the window, lit it up. With the mouth. Yeah, with my butt. So you can't, because you're on cams,

they couldn't see. They probably saw me, but you got to be on camera, right? They tell you, you're watching you. Yeah. And if you sat, I'd imagine if you sat right

behind the seat up against it, you could, in theory, beat off in the waymo. Yeah? I guarantee a lot of people have jacked off. Yeah, I was thinking it might be just like jackshacks.

Yeah. People drink beers in there, there'll be beers left in there. It seems like it's kind of just open season on this thing. It sounds awesome for what you're describing. It's awesome. It just takes way too long and it drives me nuts when I'm... This is also weird to thank. I go, every

time I go to get it, I go, thank you. And I go Ah. Oh, damn. Yeah. I'm like, they're like the new punch buggies for my kids. My kids see those and they're like, robot car. I got to be, I'm going to be honest. I'm with your kids on that. It's, yeah, dude. First couple of times I saw the robot cars. I was like,

oh, really. I'm just driving by myself. Oh, wow. Oh, shit. Fucking robot. Look at that. Look at. to verify nobody's driving that no one's driving that that's crazy I'm gonna fucking flick it I'm gonna swerve at it I do that all the time I try and threaten

the waymose yeah I threaten those fucking waymos sometimes they threaten you they're not very good at driving still yeah I've been cut off by lying back to Australia though what waymo sounds like a nice fucking derogatory Australian term it does get out of you you fucking whymog fucking cunt whymog look at you

fucking whymog it'd be nice to take some new slurs back sadly we you guys have good slurs when I go back to you know whenever I go back I'm going to lose all my Australian things that I can say over here that no one understands but you can do American ones

I don't say actually forget that I there's that we know all the American ones sadly Ah yeah you do Waymo and Waymo is nice Take that Back not that I like saying that Is that a wet back?

Yeah We don't call anybody that we don't have What did you think it was? What did you think it was? The foot you go back There's the South Park episode whether They have goo on Oh is the other one A wet back?

Yes. Terrible thing I'm told to call somebody. Yeah, you shouldn't say that. But our Latin Americans are all rich people. They flew over. We don't have any walk-in Latin Americans. We only have the Venezuelans too. No walk-ins.

Yeah. We've got boats and planes. Do you have an appointment, sir? Every Latin American person is an aristocrat in my country. In Australia? People who fled Venezuela because they were being cruel to the middle classes. They come out. Really?

Yeah. Oh. It's a very fancy rich, pale people. Yeah, Venezuela was the other one. Venezuela and fucking blanking on the name of the South American country where all the Nazis went

Argentina Yeah Argentina Buenos Aires Yeah I see that's my way Mo whenever I meet someone Who's like Oh they're Argentinian

And they're like white I go He's like tap my wife I'm like this grandfather Might have been a Nazi Don't freak out Yeah I learned about that on a YouTube video

Should be cool That's what did your grandparents do They might have I wonder if Argentina Had natural honks because it's so far from the equator but I don't know who walked there or how the civilization started

down there. I never thought about their natural hounds. They might have naturalized honks just because it's so far from the equator. It's like being from North America. Interesting. But then we didn't have any natural honks. Yeah.

There were no natural honks on this hemisphere. Yeah, maybe Aryan wanderers from way back when. True. Stuff of Nazi. From 1940. It's just some Aryan wanderers. was superior

yeah their technology yeah leonel messie's awfully white yeah true yeah they uh dude i i i didn't read the book but i i got it on my um which might call it on my audible and it's all about the indo-european language and how it's like it is kind of weird that english is kind of close in a way to sanskrit

and all those like middle eastern languages bear resemblance to english which kind of well then there's the weird there's the fins who seem to come from Nowhere. And the Hungarians, they have their weird thing. My favorite is the Pacific Islander people, which I... What about them? No one knows where they come from. I know.

They just appear. How they keep getting on other islands, dude? They're just fucking... Wayfinders, bro. The rafts. You put your hand in the water? No, I know, but... Bro.

Going off more water. I mean, yeah, but I mean, they were just getting on fucking tree-made, fucking canoes and going... They made it to Madagascar. They made it so far. It's fucking crazy, man. Impossiblely far. It's fucked up. When you see the raft technology, it's pretty insane.

And then to just get it. get there and go all right yeah fired up let's get some hopefully they brought a woman yeah they probably had a couple a couple babes that's crazy way and down the butt the uh all right let's switch over to the patreon that's a disgusting way to end it i love pacific island of people's all right good bye my wife is samoan