Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 576 - Crack Mobile (feat. Joe List & Nate Marshall)

Episode Date: September 10, 2025

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The Wild Wild West. I should invest in the Spider League and bring it like a... You got something white on your lip. I didn't want to start the... Appreciate that. Yeah, true. I didn't see it or else I would have. I think I saw it in the bathroom and I just ignored it.

That's a good part of a point in your life when you're like, ah, I got to come on my lip. I'm going to let it fly. I think I literally tried once. It didn't come off and I'll like, whatever. I got to do stuff. I don't worry about my lip corners. Are we fired up? Nice.

You got a lot. lip stuff in that's good true yeah that's a good that's a good uh cold open Nate noticed I had his come on my head Joe list thank you for coming man thanks for having me I appreciate it this is I'm now here an extra day just for this I got bumped from a big podcast that also records on Monday nights in Austin I'm glad you can come on man yeah me too I'm glad you can come on man. Yeah, me too. I'm thrilled. And you're traveling with family. That's an area of interest of mine because I do it all the time. I know. We talked about it a while ago. I quote you all the time. And yeah, it's fun. I don't mind the actual traveling on the plane is fun to me. It's not that hard. No. And we, you know, I mean, I don't want to throw my success in everybody's face. But I get upgraded a lot, you know, Delta Diamond. So my son has flown almost exclusively first class, which is very nice. Yeah. But we're about to, he's about to turn two. So I'll have to buy him a ticket. Oh, shit. You're coming up on that. That's not. Yeah, that'll be the end of... It's funny watching

because some people smile at the child in first class and then other people like almost grimace at the child. Yeah, it feels like a thing when people like, get the fuck out of it. You didn't learn this. So even when they're like two,

it's not you or one, it's not you hold on them. It's like them sitting in a seat. Oh yeah, you gotta pay for them. You can still hold them on takeoff when they're like two-ish. And then once they get a little bigger, it's kind of like a gray area.

Yeah, yeah. Sometimes you're like, my kid's crying. I'm not going to strap them to a seatbelt. Yeah, yeah. You're like, sorry, buddy. so yeah you have to like yeah like you they kind of give you leeway my one daughter's five and like for landings are like she needs to be in a seatbelt okay you're like whatever so wait when you had I assume there's a moment where you had just the one kid it was three of you did you ever travel

the three of you did you buy a row oh yeah we've done it before yeah we do southwest sometimes too which we just did to Chicago this weekend it's in one time yeah last time uh because usually like my wife's really good about checking in we get early so we get to like be towards the front and like the one time i just wasn't paying attention we were sitting at the gate next to the gate we're supposed to be at so the whole plane had boarded and then i heard my name like last call and i was like oh no so we all had to like split up my wife is not a fan was she a lap kid at that point or was she just sitting by herself yeah this is when we had the two of them so we had to like but we i ended up taking like one and one we just had to beg strangers to switch seats right

which some people are cool about some people are like not cool about that at all there's that thing you see the line where people are like your baby's not my problem I pay for the seat you ever see those I've never seen that but it's also like that's the one thing flying with kids is nice once you get over your kid crying loudly on a plaque I don't care

my kids screams and cries I'm like and I know people hate that but it's like grow the fuck up I don't care that the kid's crying it's just I'm gonna I'm gonna sort this out but also everybody has noise canceling headphones now that's like the standard headphone

And everyone, you got 400 channel, like just turn a fucking, turn on Mission Impossible 11 and turn it up full volume. Yeah. Fuck you. Yeah, exactly. And, yeah, don't get me wrong. I'm not like thrilled if there's a crying baby, but you are like, you have the ability. You don't have to just sit there listening to it. Now, if you all want to play solo and you have first class and some lady has first class and she's trying to get you out of your seat that you really want it.

I fantasize about the opportunity to be a gentleman. Absolutely. Yeah. I fantasize about like a decrepit old man. man and being like please start take this please take my seat or my one fantasy is a kid throwing something very hard at my head

to the point where I'm like bleeding I get to be like yeah somebody do I just laugh at all yeah I deal it was all the time I have like foul wall fantasy whenever I'm at a game I'm like picking a kid I'm like I'm gonna fucking make this kid's world yeah I'm gonna give it to him

no no I'm gonna give it to him I'm gonna be that guy which I did do one time at a New York Islanders hockey game I caught the shirt. They fired the shirt and I caught it. And I'm a Bruins guest. So I just gave it to a kid and I felt like a real million bucks. Yeah.

I want to catch a foul ball just so I can give it to a kid and go viral. You saw that lady who went viral for the exact opposite. Yeah. One of yours. Yeah. Well, you know what's funny? My wife was showing me that exact clip. The lady spas is a guy.

Now, I didn't really see the struggle. Did he like snatch it from her or he just caught it? She was being a sore loser. I think it, like, landed in the, like, it just hit the ground. He rushed over while everybody was trying to get it, grabbed it first, and then ramble. Yeah, I don't think he took it out of anybody's hand. She was, like, I think, maybe touching it, but it wasn't her row. It was in his row, but right in front of her.

And she's, you know, a woman, so she sucks at, you know, everything. She was, like, reaching down. So I think her finger must have been touching it or whatever. But he got the ball. Yeah. It's like one of those things. Yeah, he had the ball. And then he gave it to his kid.

his birthday and then she came over but I feel bad for the guy because I don't know if you watch the video like the woman comes up yelling and he does he goes oh no no no it's like it's it's egregious but and people are like this guy's a pussy fuck this guy but he's also literally hugging his son from behind it's his birthday he just like feels like a hero and this woman must have been like screeching and put her hands on him too so I've you have those moments we're like go yeah what the fuck is going on yeah and people are like you're such a pussy the way you reacted, we were like, well, that was like, gutter. I could beat the fuck out of this woman.

I'm not like, it's just frightened me. He's also, yeah, he's an old man, too. There's a chance he's dealt with that for decades. And he just got, he thought he was at like a game with his son. All of a sudden, a lady's like, what are you doing? He was like, oh, Jesus fucking gross. I thought you're at home. I thought you were back in the house.

What are you doing? That people are calling him a pussy too because he gave the ball up. But you're also, I also get that of like, what am I going to do? Just fistfight this woman? Like, yeah. I'll fucking take your ball, you douche. And then the guy got one of the players... No, if he gave it away, it would have been even worse. Oh, they gave him...

Yeah, the players gave him much of stuff. And I think the team gave him a bunch of shit too. So nice. The team rallied around. He's like, dude, I'm sorry to deal with that bitch. Here's a bunch of swag from the team. Well, that people were booing her. And so the whole section was booing at that.

It was like a wrestling match. She was like fucking, I don't know, Randy Savage or something. I haven't watched wrestling on a while. Yeah, that sucks. That lady's definitely... She has to go back to her job now. And everyone's like, oh, yeah, you're the, like, asshole of the week.

You're the giant fucking asshole of the week. And I don't know if she's been dachshed yet. Do we know that? I don't know for sure, but there's rumors that she's lost her job since then. No. Yeah, I saw it online. But I don't know how true that is. It was just on Twitter.

She shouldn't have lost her job for that, though. That's concrete. I don't think so. Well, oh, they did docks her. I found her first and last name in a comment section. I'm there saying you found her first. Like, you were the first one. I got her.

Yeah, you never know. That's like kind of, I'm like bugged out about that. You can just be going about a normal thing and just like your life's ruined over just one spas. I know. You can't even yell the N-word of the subway anymore, you know? You never know what surveillance. It's going to nab you.

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Because when you're doing big things, your tools should to. Visit square.ca to get started. I saw it. My wife brought the old lady video to me, and then I was like, she was like, this lady's such a bitch. Then I saw a video of an old white guy and a, let's say, middle. age black guy snap they both went for it to be fair yeah and he it was a you know a contest and the black guy emerged victorious yeah and everyone's like he's a piece of shit and I was like I don't know

it's a flip side it's like the guy wrestled it from the lady he's a hero yeah but then the black guy it was like an old man so do you give it up or you just be you know black as hell I'm like not my problem I do think it's like I'd a hit with the about my problem it's a known thing though you give the ball to a child, I feel like, as an adult. I would say the elderly is like, you deserve this. I don't have to give this to you. He did, he like, snap, power snatched it. What if there's no kid in like a five, like a six seat radius?

Like you're here, no one there, no one there, no in there. No kid. Just all adults. Give it to the hottest lady. Hottest lady. Yeah. Put it between her tits. It's hottest lady at that point.

All right. I mean, I mean, yeah. Throwing back. put it back in play especially if it's like not your team's ball like you just I don't need this shit who start that in Chicago

I think Chicago yeah and then other cities try to do it and you're like that's not even our thing yeah yeah yeah that's Chicago's the ball yeah yeah so I would keep it for sure but then you probably get home and it's like do you would you

how long would you look at that ball in terms of like oh you gave it away would you really have sentimental value would you just sit at home like oh it's a fucking ball that's kind of fun I guess I mean I have a major league I got to watch the Toronto Blue Jays batting practice on the field one time

and they gave me a ball and I have it and I'm like oh that ball you get to tell people that ball is a real ball or whatever and my uncle I was at a game with him years ago Sean Green I think he played with the Blue Jays at the time it was like a rain delay game so it was down to like a very small amount of people and he caught

the last out and like threw it like directly to my uncle and that was the coolest that's nice the closest stuff to come to a thing but I have no idea with that ball I actually told the story to my uncle and he's like I don't remember that at all I was like he threw it to you and he's like really so I guess that's the answer

yeah it's in his basement somewhere yeah no memory whatsoever of a professional baseball player tossing my wall and then did you see the tennis one with the hat that was like a big one the week before no oh that one was crazy that guy did get doxed

I think he was European did you see that one boy tennis is really at a low point in the United States I guess yeah well it was right after a match the guy, like, took off his sweaty hat and handed it to a kid, and this guy nabs, I think he signed it, handed it to the kid, the guy nabs it, and that quickly

puts it in his wife's purse. And it went viral. And the kid was like, what the fuck? Didn't he, like, steal it, though? He didn't, like, take it. Oh, no, he took it. He snatched it from the kid. He literally, like, snatched it.

I don't know if the kid got his hands on it, but the player was really only going to get to him. And I think he was like a CEO or some crazy shit. It was a big thing. Oh, I think I heard of this. And then there was like an apology you that I think might have been fake because there was like a statement being like finders keeper or you snooze you lose or something but I think that was fake did he say no I think I remember

the statement now it was like he was like this is how you become a winner you take things like you you're not afraid to take things from people it was something like but I was like this has to be yeah there's no way the company took that position yeah yeah I don't know it was a company you might have been that guy just be like this is how I got what I got true not worried about what the little man thinks of me Sean looks like he has something thing for the folks at home it's hard to uh sift through this people magazine article but they keep saying he's a CEO he runs like a concrete company in oh yeah that's not like a big he's a fat italian guy he's a polo he's a yeah he's a polish concrete guy bring back polish

jokes yeah it's kind of faded didn't they polish jokes yeah they fell out of favor nobody fires them up yeah that's weird they were big when i was little they were huge that was like the only the polish family they got locked inside of their car what happened how'd they get locked in there they're just too dumb they didn't realize they could just open the lock I was like the one uh why did the Polish guy get fired from the M&M's factory he kept throwing away all the Ws that was a big joke when I was a kid because then they kind of became blonde jokes blonde and Polish were interchangeable yeah yeah but I don't know what are the origins of Polish people being dumb I think they were fucking dumb I think every I think every I think

Every ethnic group came here and the Irish were like, you know, they were like lazy, subhuman. Italians were, you know, just annoying. And then Polish people came here. Never was like, these guys are dumb as fuck. But could the origins be like the dumb people stayed behind when the Nazis were coming? Is that like, could that be the origin? They were probably valiant. They were the heroes. Or they're all dumb. And the dumb ones got killed by the Nazis and the other dumb ones came here. Right. Right. This is, by the way, this is not my thing. theory. I'm just wondering if that's how it originated. That's true. I'm not like those fucking idiots didn't get out of the way of the nuts. Yeah, I don't have any position on it at all. I actually heard Polish people have not the biggest, but the fattest dicks out of all the ones. Is that right? Yeah, I swear to God. That's the word on the curb that the Polacks have fat don't. So I always throw that in there as well. Fat is funny because it makes it seem like they could lose it if they worked. Like thick feels like natural. But fat is like, I got to change

my diet and put out my dick a little. Yeah, they've obese stoms. Wow, no kidding. Yeah, what was the, I remember looking into the exact term Polack and I, if I'm not mistaken, it actually applied to like Hungarians. I think they actually, I forget, there were some weird thing where I thought it was a slur for them. Yeah, it is. It's a slur. But it kind of, I think it originated with like Hungarians. When anyone from Eastern Europe came here, they just everyone lumped them together as Polacks, basically. No kidding. Yeah. I didn't even know it was a slur. I've been using that left and right. It's not a slower. If a Polish guy gets offended, he's a Polack.

So it's saying you're kind of bunheaded. But yeah, Eastern Europeans are kind of a subject of fascination for me. So I don't know anything about any of those countries. Right. Google AI overview is blaming Archie Bunker for the anti-Polish sentiment. They said he had a Polish son-in-law and all in the family, and he would constantly make fun of them. Oh, meathead.

Yeah, yeah. So they said that sort of started it along with. with like xenophobia and stuff according to google that makes sense yeah i know they have big fat heads i've heard that too square big fat squirt big fat dicks and dummies are the fan heads from drinking i know the dicks aren't i don't know i you know what i was actually i was at a uh i was at a bar with my wife we're in chicago this weekend and we're at a hotel bar just hanging out and there were two guys their wives had giant fake tits and they the guys had big fat heads and i was kind of like, damn, it's kind of alpha.

There's a giant fat head. They're just like arms around their fake titted wives. And I was like, these guys are on to something. They're swinging. I got to pee next to one of the guys. I didn't like look at his dick, but I was, I was kind of admire him. Like, damn, I wish I was with you guys. I'm with my fucking wife or natural tits.

And I'm just, you guys have giant fake titted wives. Like, dude, nipples flying out of the shirt. They just sat there and like pink polos with huge heads. And I was menacing me from across the bar. Sounds wonderful. It was awesome. I grew up in Massachusetts. There was no Polish people, I feel like.

Maybe there was one Wozniak in my school, I forget her name. But it was all Irish, Italian English. Yeah. And like three black people. Yeah, we had zero black people. Well, yeah, zero, a couple Mexican guys. But we had pretty much just Irish, Italian, and then some Polish. I don't start differentiating white people until I started comedy.

And then y'all kind of made it clear that y'all are different. Yeah, I thought, like, I didn't know Jews weren't white people for the longest time. They are. Don't let them lie to you. That's what I think. I think if you can hide it a little bit, then you're not, you know. I similarly discovered Jewish people late in life as well. Yeah.

I went to Catholic school for 12 years, so I, for real, didn't know any Jewish people. Yeah, we had very few Jews. But this is how a few Jews we had. I was in Great Neck, Long Island, where there's a lot of, I always confuse Orthodox. And what's the other one? Hasidic. Yeah, yeah. And I think these were Hasidic.

the thing and my, a family member, I don't want to out specifically in case she gets up, but a family member was like, uh, I thought they couldn't be out like during the day. I was trying to God. And we were like in our 20s. I was like, during the day. What are they fucking vampires? During the day.

I was like, no, no, they go out during the day. They got jobs and everything. It's, uh, so you can't see their horns. I was kind of like blown away. I was like, what? But maybe she thought. Use electricity on Saturday? That is the thing.

Yeah, one of my friends lived next door to some of those guys. They weren't the curly guy. I get them confused too. I think they were Orthodox. Yeah. They would have him, a Gentile, come to their house and, like, flick the lights for him. Yeah, there's a lot of that. Yeah.

Does they pay you for those services? What do you think, Nate? No, you sent me up there. I think it was just a general goodwill. I think the day before 9-11, they were like, you know, by the way, just be careful. Don't go to work Jews are having a tough time right now, by the way They are

I personally like them But a lot of people are fucking I do I was raised in a very pro-Jew house My dad, he would always be like I love Jewish people I love Jewish people too Yeah he loved he's and he but it was funny

Because he'd be like dude I love the Jews I just love how they operate with their money And I'd be like all right I was a little kid being like cool He would tell us he was like He would say he's an Irish Jew. No kidding.

Yeah, they never came. Isn't that Scottish? Folks. Scottish people are known for being very frugal. They are. Yeah. But my dad would, for real, like, use their,

he would, like, admire the things people hate about them. He's like, I love the way they act with their money. He's like, more people got to do it. I'm like, nice, dad. Not trying to bite your dad, but that is my favorite thing about Jewish people. People knock them for that, but I think it's cool as hell to be like, these are my bros. I'm going to look out for my bros.

I think, yep. Well, yeah, they're very, when you, when you really look into the religion, it gets a little spooky. It really does. Like, if you read about it, it's like I love, love the squad, but like you read about what they're up to, and you're kind of like, but isn't that if you look into any religion? Like, not really, dude.

Looking at Christianity. Imagine Christianity. Who's getting fed to tigers or lions? That's Christians? That's the fucking Romans, dude. Yeah, and they were feeding Christians to. Yeah, they're feeding everybody. Oh, okay, okay.

Romans are feeding everybody. That's not a special thing that happened when, like, Catholics was getting fed to lions. Am I remember? They did? Not Catholics, but more Christians. Okay, okay. This episode is brought to you by prize picks. You have to sound like Shane, too. Football is back.

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That one-ri-receiver who did that one thing? That was insane, man. I'm so pumped. Sorry, dude. I know you're not really a football guy. you're talking about that one wide receiver who did that thing in the one game oh wait so you're about that football accent yeah i cooked up like 20 different lineups this weekend on prize picks it was simple quick and fun oh so you about that real money feels good to be right football accent

that sentence doesn't make sense but it felt so good man more on rushing yards less on kicker field goals more on touchdowns less on pass attempts Shane i did it all wow yeah man in this weekend, Travis Kelsey is at max discount too. Travis Kelsey? Yeah, he just needs one yard for you to win on prize picks this Sunday. Travis Kelsey. Travis Kelsey. Prize picks. It's good to be right.

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because jews got to be up there yeah they're up i mean it's between jews and black people i feel like don't you think yeah you mean pound for pound through like the last hundred years or so i'd say yeah and then third giving it to the italians what italians make me laugh what it's tough black people love italians you can black people love it all that honestly black people want to be italian then my want to be italians yes you do black people want to be italians want to be black people every time i see a black dude eating spaghetti on instagram they all think they're alquip Pone. If you get a black dude, spaghetti.

Well, very similar. I mean, you have big dicks, funny, kind of loud, and very stylish. Clothing's a big deal. Yeah. That's true. I don't know. I'm always like, my wife does it. She's like, she's like, totally talk about Italians, like, they're cool.

And I'm like, they're not fucking cool. Get over this. The coolest. This is a bug in your programming. They're definitely the coolest whites. Well, it depends on if we're talking about, like, stand-up comedy funny or just hanging out funny. Like, Italians accidentally are fucking, oh, yeah, yeah.

Hey, what the fuck? Look at you. Look at me. That's funny. And similarly with black people, it's just a funny way of talk. A funnier vernacular than, you know, certainly. But if you do stand-up, Irish really making a great push. As a Boston guy, I feel like I have to.

Yeah. I would say Ireland is the land of the poets for sure. Yeah, y'all are, I like y'all a lot too. But just Italians are more, they're like a good Marvel movie. They're dumb funny. They are dumb funny. Yeah. Italians are good

But black people might be number one I mean you think for pound for pounds I mean you're just you're just hanging out with a black guy He's gonna be funnier than most of the white guys Yeah I feel like you know what it is though But then it's like yeah for sure 100% But then it's like I feel like a lot of black dudes get all the juice You know because there's a lot of black dudes

They were just kind of just like Boring kind of And I always feel bad You be a boring white guy You're totally fine but being like a boring black guy sucks Yeah No yeah I know a few that you're like wow really skipped a generation

well I always tell the story I was on the subway one time and there was two guys yelling across like one was at the other stop so it was like 50 feet away and they were just having a conversation and this guy he said the end word but I'll clean it up

but he's like he's like yo that motherfucker is so sweaty he looked like he put a water balloon in a headlock and I was like that's like poetry that's like I'm like did he just make that up a water balloon and a headlock I was like that's like

better than anything I've heard in three years The funniest thing I've ever heard It was a long, long time ago I was in Philly Just, you know, doing stand-up in the early days And I used to do a lot of black rooms And this one guy

There was a Muslim dude in the crowd And he was just like How did you get you? How many turtles do you have to sell To get your red beard, man? What point did they upgrade? And it was just like, I was like, that's the funniest thing

I've ever heard in my life You have to sell your hunter turtle You get to dye your beard red And it's like Why do Muslims die their beard red, by the way? Hannah? Like tats? Like fakes?

Like fake. I thought some of them just had red beards like pirates It's like die It's like party die I honestly have no idea No I don't know I'm finding out I'm not very cultured here

I didn't know the Polish thing The fat dick Polish stuff I sure I've heard it I don't know where I heard that from I heard I've read dicks I've read a book where they talked about a Polish guy He would call he would call his dick the Polish hog But did he write the book

No the guy who wrote it was not Polish He was not That's a kid's book? Yeah. Daddy, why is your Polish friend's dick so fat? Dying the beard red with Hena is a suna practice. So it's a Muslim thing. But what the, why?

It's just something about Muhammad. Oh. Oh, it's like the blood of your enemies or something? It could be. I don't know. The blood of the infidel. I'm getting nervous now. Yeah, Muhammad apparently encouraged his...

That's kind of cool, though. I can get behind that. Well, you're talking about Muhammad was a fierce warrior. I was paying respects. Yes, absolutely. Hell yeah. Absolutely.

Well, so what else is going on? Oh, boy. Now, Muslims are in, they're cool. They're chilling, bro. They were at public enemy number one for like 10 years ago. Public enemy number one. Certainly 24 years ago,

almost to the day. Yeah. True. You. It was a quick math you did in your head. Actually, it was pretty good. Yeah, coming up in the big Annie. True.

Where were you guys for 9-11? Grade school. Yeah. I was so happy. I was in high school. I was in high school. My bad. My bad.

Yeah, I was definitely in high school. My bad. I was like a junior. I was like a sophomore. You were a hell. Sophomore in high school, that's where I was. Oh, okay. And they, like, wheeled a TV into the class and, like, showed us the news.

And I still was completely lost on me. Wow. I was like, are we getting out earlier or not? And then we did. And I was like, nice. 9-11 didn't hit. me for how fucked up it was until like this year i watched that uh like for real i watched that that uh so i'll be lied doc where the first episode breaks down the yeah and that was like i was first

time i really watched it as an adult and i'm sitting there like and i had lived in new york since then so i'm sitting there like oh that was like for real but when i was a kid i was just like oh yeah shit well i guess it feels normalish if you're young yeah how old are you what i was in sixth grade so i was probably like 12 12 yeah yeah I was on what I was talking about I was definitely 15 or it was like 15 years old I was 19 okay so you so I was at home like I was do I graduated high school I was just doing stand up and nothing else and my sister woke me up and said that somebody's shooting at the world trade center because I think it was like new yeah she didn't nobody knew she was like they're shooting at the world trade center I was like oh wow it's crazy yeah

I woke up it was wild you saw the planes yeah we I don't know I remember being for real I I I'm ashamed to admit this, but I was just excited to get out of school. No, I think that's fair. I think that's most people that were in school. Yeah. You just sent us home and I was like sweet. My parents were like kind of freaking out and I was like, whatever. Maybe not the New Yorkers.

They probably weren't. Yeah, that was terrible. Yeah. Funny because I was like pretty close. I was already in Philadelphia. I was like not that far from it. Right. It could have been.

It was like might as well been on the other side of the country. I was just like, well, not my problem. I was there in August. I have a photo of the World Trade Center from like August 2nd or something like that. I was like underneath it. Whoa. Yeah. The wreckage you're saying?

No, no, no, like a month before. The old one. Yeah, the Twin Towers. Like, I was there like six weeks before that. The new one's the biggest building in America. Yeah, in the Western Hemisphere. I live right in across the street. Do you really?

Yeah. It's right out my window. That's awesome. You get charged to know where I live. After all that Muslim talk, I want to let people know my exact address. I do. I mean, I could be wrong. I was taking a wild guess.

I don't know what. Can you look up the origins of the red dye? It's probably not that. Yeah. But, yeah, I don't know. I love that. I was like, we're like, let's get off this Muslim stuff. Let's talk 9-11.

It says it's just an act of devotion. Okay. And, you know, for older men, it's a nice way to maintain groomed and presentable while embracing your age. Oh, it's a hide the gray. Yeah, I guess so. So probably go bald, dyed a beer gray. But some people do black instead. It's just.

Some people do just jet black? Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty tight. that's cool I guess I've got married so it's just kind of like

you know I think it's just like a swag thing yeah it feels like a way to just yeah look like you're not aging yeah yeah that's kind of what I'm hearing yeah

that's smart yeah we got two pays for the religion yeah for Muhammad I've talked to a Muslim guy an Uber driver and I was asking I'm like what's the deal

with like for real the multiple wives is it like it can't be as cool as everyone says what's the deal with the multiple lives dude who are these ones

how do they get along I do a happy to chat in Uber and most people will check it and be like some people check it and they're like fuck this guy I'm not doing it but a lot of them will check and be like I now have to entertain this guy and they'll just chat me up oh wow it's so fun I know you can do that oh yeah you can select

preferences you can select shut the fuck up basically but they get pissed when you select shut the fuck up that's what I'm saying maybe here but New York I've never had a driver talked to me one time ever in New York City. They can't, probably. They probably can't.

What do you mean? Did you ever see their phones? They're fucking like space invaders shit on their phone. You can't even see. I see the letters. I'm like, I don't even know what that is. I was thinking like unable,

like I'm like not allowed to. I'd be realized that you're saying they can't speak the language. I don't know. I could be wrong. I feel like it's much more business in New York. Getting the Uber, it's much.

They have like half taxi hybrid stuff. Right, right. But that's what I hate about the middle of the country is like you go to Omaha and you get picked up and they're like, well, so what brings you here? And you're like, oh, fuck. Yeah. No, I love that.

I love because I'll start asking them. Dude, I've had some fantastic conversations in Uber's. Because you got like a 20-minute ride and I'll just start chatting them up. It's kind of fun. I've had some decent guys. A lot of divorced guys. I've had a lot of tales of like love lost and how they've found out of that. That's definitely the job you do as soon as everything falls apart.

You have your other job and you're like, I got to do something else with my time. Got to get an apartment. Have you been recognized in a lift? Have you been recognized in a lift? I don't know maybe once but no I've like beat around that bush

here and there and then people I've had people talk to me about chain and lifts and they're like dude this guy Shane Gillis is so funny oh that's great I'm like yeah he's good

he's great he's awesome I should start trash him like I've heard he's a fucking giant asshole he's a piece of shit that guy no kidding they'll probably kick you out though

like Big Lobowski get the fuck out of my guy you don't say shit about him he'd definitely get one star it's happened to me a lot I've been in gyms and like this one guy I swear to God because at first I was like almost like Does this guy know of the podcast and I don't think he did at all

But I was in a gym on the road It was like getting guests past The one guy wore he was like leaning into fall fashion And the other guy the gym was like Shane would think you're gay And I was just like whoa his fucking Net has traveled in a lifetime fitness That's hilarious

Yeah it's pretty great I had a 41 of those ones where a dude couldn't remember his name He was describing he just stopped me on the street And he was like It was when I was trying to move down here some dude was trying to like talk to me about his comedy or whatever he didn't know i was a comic he just started talking to me drunk and uh he started i just asked him like who's favorite comic was just trying to small talk about i was just smoking a j trying to kill time and then he goes

this guy he goes on rogan he uh he talks about politics so i was like all right that's not shame so i'm i go like tim dillon and he goes he's like a handsome tin dillon and i don't know why that shit shit was so fucking funny to be referred to as a handsome tim dillon but Because Tim is a very handsome guy. Yeah. He's just, you know, obese. If you see young Tim Dillon, he's very handsome. He's blue eyes.

He's a very attractive man. He is an attractive male. I blew him. Yeah, no, the, uh, it is fun. Getting in the Uber, I will say getting guys from Pakistan and Uber, the one I get them fired up on, I go, what do you think about American women? And they just do, they go off. It's the best.

It's so funny. They're no good. And also, no one believe me, the divorce. rate in Pakistan he was like what is the divorce rate in Pakistan I was like I don't know what do you guys got like 10% he was like 1% wow nobody believes me they look it up it's literally 1% the divorce rate in Pakistan is it a sin what's what's the yeah I think it's like completely frowned upon wow do wives die in Pakistan now you're on to something I think I 90% of wives die before the age of 40 in Pakistan well yeah or maybe in Pakistan I don't know I don't

know but I'm pretty sure it's like you can get a little you can get a little you can get like you can use bouncer rules yeah yeah kind of fold their hands across the chest move them out of the room put them a time out but also what I was asking guy about multiple wives he was like it's not like everyone says yeah you can totally get another wife but you need to be able to prove that you have the resources to care for them oh interesting

yeah and you gotta like it's a whole thing you gotta like put them together make sure they get along but he's like yeah you're totally totally within you're right and you can just hang out in the house with both of them it's not like separate homes I think it's separate homes I think you need to be able to have I think it could be wrong but the way he described it as you've got to be able to like fully support another but I feel like in

Pakistan I don't think you'd I don't know I think you'd be able to just kind of put them in like apartment A apartment B maybe I'm just thinking out loud over here no it was he was kind he's like it's not as cool as everyone says which I'm like I agree I'm like I've talked to people about the multiple wife thing I think it is not as cool as people say one wife couple girlfriends dude my my youngest daughter's like really wants me to get a girlfriend she keeps saying she's like dad you have a girlfriend? I'm like, no, I'm married. She's like, dad, you need a girlfriend. I'm like, all right.

It's a good kid. I thought you'd be furious if I had a girlfriend. It's one of the reason I don't have a girlfriend. You brought it up to your wife? Yeah, I tell her all the time. I'm like, Chloe wants me to get a girlfriend. I don't know. I feel like if she got older, she would take.

I'd be like, dude, you said when you were three, got to get it in right. You know what weirds me out in the hall pass talk among couples? And we're like, who would your hall pass be? It's like, don't talk about that. Yeah, we never had that conversation. But it's a totally fruitless conversation. Right.

Because you already know, it's like, yeah, just be like, I don't know. I think it's fucking lame. I don't like it. I don't like it because I know you're not saying you're the real thought. Like, if I asked her, she would say somebody that would be unattainable, but her real hall pass, she'd want to say is just like a guy she worked with. Right, right, yeah. You know, it's cardini.

You know, just like, oh, jeez. One of your close friends. Yeah, the guy she's always thinking about you mean. Well, that's what I think. I think everyone secretly wants to fuck their spouse's friends. Really? Don't you think? Or siblings?

I can see where you're coming from, but I don't. It's extra forbidden, you know? Yeah, true. Like, if I could have sex with any woman, it wouldn't be Anne Hathaway. It would be, you know, my wife's friends. Uh, we'll say, just to throw her off the scent. But yeah, one of her buddies You know, her childhood friends

I'm trying to run through the list In my head I don't know I think it might just be like The first person I see outside Right To be our neighbor Across the hall

I think that's the case I think most guys cheat With like a less attractive woman I've heard that something I've heard that yeah I wonder if that's true Well I think you want to feel guilt free Yeah

That way if you get caught You can be like She's a fucking pig There's nothing compared to you. Yeah, she's gross. Yeah. Or she can be super high and be like, what I'm not supposed to do, say no to that?

She's way better than you. Yeah, that's a good point. I always thought it was just younger. It's like you have sex with a younger lady. Yeah, that makes sense. Kind of like the, I think there's always going at a pizza shop. I think every, like, female cashier is in the hot seat in terms of like the 50-year-old Italian guy.

Yeah. I've heard of that happening a lot. It's big in New Jersey. Every high school girl. gets lightly molested by their pizza shop manager boss Really? Dude even Burger King

Like a Burger King There's like It's all like high school Kids A lot of girls working there If every Burger King There's like a 40 year old manager Who's like

Chances are he's being You know In a Fibophile let's say Right He's yeah I've heard I've heard about I've heard tales like that

I used to work with this I'm trying to be vague I used to work with this guy He was like smashing one or the She was like 18 Like 18 like 18 She was 18 or 19

She was similar to 18 I think I think she was 18 I got it She's 18 or 19 That's how I remember I think I would have been I was like 16 then

So I think I would have still known If it was real fucked up But anyway I just remember Not back then you wouldn't That's what I'm trying to remember That's what I'm saying Like I'm trying to run it in my head

Like what Whatever I think 18 though I really do Because I know she was like A senior high school And shit But anyway

You're sweating It wasn't me I'm gonna fuck But the guy I remember he was just always Like take her into the Just when we'd clean up the story Take her into the fit room

They'd fuck we I was like the only one who knew And her boyfriend would just pick her up Afterwards and I And I'd see it I just I didn't know him Like we didn't go to school together Or anything

It's just And the one time I just Saw her walk out and kiss him on the lips Like as soon as they got And I just was like Oh my God It's nice greeting though Yeah

She's snowballed, you know? She's snowballed. Yeah. Bring your chick home. She's got fresh load for a Burger King manager. I'm into it. I've been around a long time. You know, it's kind of fun.

It's tough. Yeah, because it's tough. You never know. Yeah, I got down here like that. I heard a chick I used to date. She used to get picked up by some old guy, just one of her friends told me. He had some dude. He was like 25.

She was like 16. Just used to pick her up from her, Wendy's job. we used to go to a when I was growing up and like in high school we would go to this place called Painters Crossing and it was just like a shopping center

with like an AMC movie place and just like you know random other bullshit restaurants like friendlies and we would see those like cool Honda Civics with spoilers pull up and they were like sharks

they were just 25-year old dudes who just come pray on your like cool high school girlfriends you'd like come on let's get out of here you just you're like me like no they're here

and they would just circle the park and say outside of their cars and you'd have have to get your girlfriend out of there because she would get molested by an older man. Yeah, I remember my girlfriend was a year younger than me and then I didn't go to college and then she graduated to college. And we broke up. I like initiated the breakup because I was like, you want to break up, right? Clearly this isn't going to be great. And I started doing comedy. So I was like hanging out with like 50 year old men immediately. And then I'd be like, come out. I'm

doing comedy. It would just be a bunch of middle age guys and like me. She's like, this is awful. And then I'd go visit her at college, and it's just the hottest football play guy. And I'm like, I was like, you want to break up? Yeah, yeah. She was too nice to do it. Yeah, and I feel like I could just, I could be wrong about this, but I feel like in that situation, a girl would just be like, I like, I like, I like, I like, I like that comfort of having a boyfriend that I'm going to get here and slowly leave him. He'll definitely cheat a little, too, I think. Yeah, I would imagine.

Yeah, yeah. I did the right thing in high school. I broke up. I was dating someone. I was just like, we can't when I go to high school when I felt bad, but or when I go to college. yeah she was piss yeah she was an eighth grade she had an eighth grade volleyball

I mean you can't I mean that destroys that destroys high school romance I had a guy like sit me down a long time ago and be like bro like trying to talk me out

of my high school sweetheart he's like you guys are gonna last and I was like fuck dude why why are you doing this to me he was like just move on wow it's kind of rough but I mean yeah

He was wise. He said, this will never last. I was like, all right. Well, thanks, man. I only broke up with one woman my whole life. And she gives me of cheating. It was kind of hot. She was like, you're cheating on me?

She was Italian. She was like, you're cheating on me. I know it. You're piece of shit. I was like, I wish I was. Yeah, I'm like, I just don't care for you. Yeah, I would say breaking up, I still think breaking up with is infinitely harder than getting broken up with.

Yeah, no, I remember having like a panic attack. It was horrible. Oh, it's horror. It's like literally the most lethal or, like, you know, brutal conversation you have to be like, hey, I don't want to see you ever again. It's essentially what you're saying. Or like, I would. I'm open to it, but I just want to just, you know, maybe we could be like stranger, more

like strangers to each other. Yeah, no, it was rough. I had a thing that was funny. I was dating this woman and I just didn't like, I only dated her because I was single for like seven years. And I thought people were going to think I was gay. I was like, I get a girlfriend so people don't just think I'm gay. And so I knew her from work.

So I started dating, but I never liked her. I wasn't into her. just whatever she was like a beard basically yeah exactly exactly so we were dating and then it was like I wanted to break up with it but I didn't and then Christmas was like coming upon us and I was like shit I got to get her a fucking gift because I just put off breaking up with her and literally I was driving to meet up with her like on December 23rd it was like Christmas Eve Eve and I was like oh dude I remember we were at this store one time and she said she liked this picture of Audrey Hepburn I'm like I'll stop and pick that up and so I just grabbed it on the

way there, handed it to her like Merry Christmas and she opened it and just started bawling. She's like, nobody's ever loved me this much, you remembered? And I was like fuck! You're right. You got to break up with her. And then I just bought like some random shit. I'm like, I kind of remember her. She bought that. And she had dated like bad boys or whatever before. I was with a nice guy.

And so I just nailed the gift. And I was like, I just fucking. She was like literally crying like, no one's ever loved me like this in my life. And I was like, oh God. Damn it. But then, right after Christmas, my grandfather died and then she didn't come to the funeral and I used that. Perfect.

She's like, I didn't even know you wanted me there. You didn't even tell me where it was. And I was like, well, you should have looked in a little piece of shit. You fucking careless bitch. And so I was like, that was my out. But I remember being horrified, like, truly like shaking. Yeah, you think about it for like three months.

By the time you're getting broken up with, the person's probably thought about it for anywhere from six months. Yeah. And now she's married and I'm married. That's good. Yeah, worked out. my dad and jess when i was in grade school told me to always break up with the girl before christmas

so i didn't have to buy or anything and i like actually did that one time like right before christmas and it was i was like it was for real to meet this thing you can do this so i was like you're like you're like we're dating but you don't ever even see the person you just like hold hands in recess right three days and yeah it's like i meant october you fucking yeah i felt mad about that it was funny heavy it was funny heavy like a girlfriend in like seventh grade and you just, they're like, we're dating and you just see them at recess and then you break up two days

later. Yeah, I had that fifth grade. Jen, Jen McCarthy. Not to be confused with Jenny McCarthy. The anti-vex hot lady, but yeah. And she was dating two guys, she was dating Matt Will and me, because you didn't hook up but we were in fifth grade. We didn't even kiss.

So she's like, these are my two boyfriends. And then the three of us would like hang out. You were to call out? Yeah, yeah. It was pretty cool. And then, yeah, you just. just broke up because like summer happened and you didn't have any way of seeing her. Yeah, no. You're like all right. That was that.

Did she break up both of you? I don't even remember. I think she was more into him because he was more of a like a fatherless man. So I think he was probably fingering her and I was like it felt like they definitely had were doing stuff. Yeah, yeah. I was just like, oh. Yeah.

I remember being in grade school. I think I might have been sixth grade and I was just like sitting, you know, like on the maybe gym floor at like an assembly and an eighth grade girl laid her boob on my hand whoa and i just sat he's an eighth grade yeah bro yeah bro it was awesome and i just sat i just remember just my hand just feeling the pressure of her boob for an entire assembly then she got up and i was so confused as i was like is that my fucking girlfriend now is that a base i don't even know it was it was over the shirt second base technically but it was back in my hand so still something it was it was definitely something yeah

It was so much so that I was like, can you just touch ladies' boobs? Is that like a thing? I would, we had tables in my grade school when I was slowly elbow over and like hit the lady's boob next to me and they'd be like, get off me. I don't know. There's one lady laid on my arm. I thought it was like, I don't know. I thought you guys want to rest your tits on my elbows.

I wish I could redo life, you know, don't we all? Yeah. I feel like I could really do, but not that I would be like a crazy pussy crushing man. You know, I'm still me, but I think if I had a little more. confidence i could have had more sex yeah for sure even in high school i feel like i could have yeah right for myself no it happened i was like not nothing really doing and then uh little bit a little bit in late grade school and that not sex obviously that's weird when people have sex and they're in eighth grade i'm like yeah it kind of freaks me out but i remember i got like lost a bunch of weight my junior

year and just i got like shredded out of nowhere i got i kept getting grounded for drinking so i would just like act like i was in prison and just do like pull up in my base and I got like actually shredded. Just reading spiritual books. Died my beard red. But yeah, no, I remember I just like hit this weird spurt of like I've never gotten, never like, I don't know, I just hit like a,

when I'm like a tear in high school, then like the beginning of college, just monstrous dry spell. I was just thinking about a lady that I realized I could have fucked in high school because she just followed me like a couple weeks ago or like last week on Instagram and I saw that and I thought of something she said to me that now I would have known It was like a green light.

She was like, I wish I could mess with you, but I'm kind of friends with your girlfriend. And like, but her saying that out loud is really going like, I'll fuck you and I won't tell you. You didn't realize this at the time? No, it was like in 10th grade.

I just didn't take it. I don't know. That's fair. 10th grade, I guess. I might have been 10th, 11th. I think I tried to sell myself short. It was 11th. I was always so afraid of being a bad guy.

You feel like you make a movie. She's like, what the fuck? You piece of shit. That's like such a fear. I grew up listening to hip hop. I didn't get a fool. Yeah, if anything, it was like, no. When I was young, like, we didn't, it was, it wasn't cool to kiss ladies.

That's crazy. I feel like that. I remember being like, somebody being like, oh, you kissed it? Like, because they suck bigs. I know that's dumb now. Oh, I see. I was thinking this is like the gayest thing I've ever heard. That's because they were a home homophobic, I see.

Yeah, yeah. I always looked at it. That was a chain of events. I still follow base procedure, by the way. Yeah, now you got it. kiss, touch boobs, touch vagina, then have sex. I still hold it down that way. The girl I lost my virginity too, we didn't kiss for six months.

We were dated, and I remember I was having a conversation with one of my friends about it as an adult that that happened, and she cheated on me. She's the one who was like the McDonald's, the one getting picked up from Wendy's I was telling you about and shit like that. I also heard she got cheated on by like getting the train ran or all that, all that stuff. Oh, she cheated on me doing that shit, yeah. But so we're talking about that. I talked about how they kissed her for six months.

He was like, you meet you dated a chick who was just like, you fuck her and not kiss her for six months and you didn't realize she was a ho. Like she's not, she's like, yeah, you're doing the right thing. Not kissing me. It's kind of her energy. I don't know. I thought that's like pretty woman. She's like Julia Roberts. She's not allowed to kiss.

It is funny, you guys were in like a serious relationship, though. You guys were like, yeah, she was the first person. I was like, I love you. I was hanging out with her dad. It was all the last stuff. No, I really really was bad. for everyone's brain man yeah i like sold coke for a while i was like this is so cool and you get older like that's such a bad yeah negative thing to do i could have ruined it could convince me then back

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Armma. com slash mssp or enter mssp to get 30% off your first subscription order that's a r m r mr a dot com slash mssp selling coke's pretty cool you get money right you don't honestly i swear to god dude you don't make as much as you think oh really i sold weed for a while too i made way more money selling weed coke is like unless you're getting like big amounts of it you don't make as much for in terms of like the risk of going to jail if you just get like a couple ounces of coke and break them down into 20 bags you like you make money off of it but nowhere near getting a couple pounds of weed and you would not you the jail like from like selling an eight ball to a pound of

weed is like completely right dudes i knew who sold crack like they never see her that's pretty profitable i don't i never knew anybody who was top guy you know what i mean everybody i knew they were like fine they were like but they all they lived together like it was like three brothers that i was hanging out with one time they sent me to sell crack for and i yeah wait i don't think i told you off on the topic. Which fast food chain were you operating lately? So their house was like right down the street from this park called. I think it was Barbie's park it was called.

So I had to, I took the crack and I took their bike. And so you have to go up this bridge that's like up a hill and then down the hill. So I go up the hill. Then I start going down the hill. The park's right at the end of the hill. And I realize as I'm going down the hill that the brakes on the bike don't work. So I'm going to self crack. And then I can't stop the bike.

And I spit out and fall. Oh, you got to, like, you got to animate this. This is, like, fucking, the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life. And then a car just stops, like, slams on the break. It's just two Puerto Rican dudes. And they just started pointing and laughed out of, like, a civic. And then I go selling it. You used to have a vial.

It wasn't. I remember being in a vial, though. That's all I always see him on TV. But it wasn't like a little, like, same bag you put weed in. Right, right, right. And, uh, excuse me. dude did you complete the mission

yeah I completed the mission that was for 30 bucks and then I went back and I think I just told him like I fell on the bike you top of the bike that is fucking hilarious you fucking drop the crack

you're like here's the crack do you guys have any gauze I want to start a non-profit that repairs young kids who sell cracks bicycle just make sure the brakes are good because I didn't think about that yeah there's probably a lot of like

kind of janky bikes going around there I'm just, man, I know what told me. Huh? I was going to say there's a good chance that it was somebody else's bike. Oh, come on, Sean. I don't want to be a true. I didn't want to be a jerk. That's jacked out, man.

I'm sorry. I tried to bed my tongue. I'm sorry. Yeah, Sean's probably right. Ah, crap. Sorry. That's nice to know, though. If your bike gets stolen, it's like at least, you know.

Yeah, absolutely. Someone, you know, someone's upperly mobile is trying to make the best of a bad situation. but also you know it's got fucked up brakes so you're like watch what happens yeah that's crazy they didn't warn you the bike in no brakes did you have to like use your like sneakers to slow yourself down or like i just remember falling i don't remember exactly how like what's like what i tried i think i tried to like get off and hop and just who bought the crack uh it was two people it was like an older looking dude and it was that and a younger guy but like i don't know father and son And, nah.

I'm talking to go to the baseball game. What are the two people in the wire? The, the, he, bugsy and he had this guy that died. I forget. Yeah, no, my bad riff. Dang, so that was it. That was your, that was it for you. That was it.

That's what we, after that. The bicycle was like, yeah, I can't, I don't trust these bucks. Like, I'm not cut out for this. I also was, I think I was always kind of phony, tough. Like, not, like, I would be around the dumb shit, but in my heart. I was like, no. I used to like to fight a lot. And then I remember we were supposed to fight after school.

This was like 9th or 10th grade. And one of my friends had a little 22 that he showed me. And I just remember being like, ah, this is this kind of stuff. Peacemaker time. Yeah, yeah. And then I kind of style, I changed two. I was hanging with. I had like this one group I was with all the time.

And then I kind of went to my friends that I was hanging with a lot more in middle school. You found La Mare? I found a version of LaMere. Yeah, a different fat guy, a different funny fat guy. Yeah, I was, that's what, that's what Coke was for me. It was the absolute, I was out of, completely out of my, I was already out of my element with a lot of stuff. But Coke was like, these are like bad guy, bad guys. And I was like, and I never did it, by the way.

Never even tried it. Me either. Never had any. I still, I, to this day, I detest them. I hear people that do it. I go, why the fuck you doing that? I hate it. The snorting something just felt very off putting to me.

I didn't care for that. And then I also, all my anxiety that I had growing up, and still now is all like, I associate with heart. Like, I'm always afraid my heart's going to stop. My heart's racing. So the idea of doing Coke, I was like, my heart will explode. I'll die here. Yeah, that was always a very similar thing. I actually just, I like, I had a couple years where I couldn't exercise because I'm like,

I'm going to have a heart attack. I was like, 26. Well, this is an interesting thing. I tried to do a bit of this. It never worked. But I'm like, why exercise is good for your heart, but like having like stress is bad for your heart. But they both cause your heart to race.

Yeah. So shouldn't like having a panic attack be, this is why the bit. worked, by the way. But like, shouldn't it be a panic attack be good for you? Like, stress is the worst thing for you. But what does stress do it raises your heart rate? That's what exercise does. I know that there's probably an explanation.

I'm not genuinely like, no, I'm asking, but I don't know. I mean, I started grind the podcast to a halt with this. No, you got to be thinking. I was like,

why it doesn't know. Like cocaine should be good for your heart. Yeah. It gives you the same thing as exercise. Like running a marathon is good for your health. So why isn't doing blow? You know what? What's going on?

You know what? It's funny because I saw a, just like two weeks ago, I saw a clip of Andrew Huberman being like, you need to spike your cortisol early in the morning as possible. And it's like somehow good for you. So I like just chugged a ton of coffee early in the morning. And it was like, yeah, it was definitely not the move. I literally had a panic attack in my office.

So I was like, this is not. I don't know what the fuck. But apparently there, I guess there's got to be something different with like, you know what it probably is? Like your lungs getting kicked into the picture. Right. versus just your nervous system fucking frying you while you sit in a chair.

Well, some of this Huberman thing, Huberman, however you say his name, I enjoy the guy, but we were at the green room at Mothership and there's all these grip strength reading thing. And someone was like, Huberman says like grip strength is the number one, you know, teller of how long you're going to live.

Yeah. Kurt Metzger's was like triple mine. I'm like, there's no way this fucking guy's living longer than me. He's like smoking a pack of cigarettes and a joint at the same time. I'm like, I feel like, Yeah, I don't know There's a lot of stuff

hitting the internet That like does freak me out I've seen that one Yeah, that one I didn't like it all My grip strength is terrible Yeah, mine was like I didn't want to say Yeah, I was gonna fucking docks

Yeah, I'm not saying 12 I just devastating Yeah, I don't know I heard that too Like if you can't hang From a bar for like three minutes You're gonna die Well the other guy

Peter Atia He's the other guy All these guys that are like Age experts All are like 38 years old. I'm like, I want a 115 year old guy, tell me. But he said you should be able to carry your body weight

for up to a minute. So, like, I weigh 180, like, by your side with a kettlebell. So I weigh like 180 pounds. I'm bad at Matt. That's 90 pounds on each arm. Yeah, yeah. I should be able to walk for a minute. But I can't even like attempted it because I'm scared my arm will fucking rip off. Or your knees, really. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know

about that. There's a lot of stuff hitting the internet like that. I saw one where it was like if you want to be able to walk up 10 flights of stairs when you're 70 here's they had these like lines and shit and they're like you need to be here now and it was just like other way it's like basically saying if you were like sedentary like you're going to die yeah yeah i think we all look pretty good yeah i think we're moving around but i don't know i feel like you the problem is you can go so heavy into all that stuff

where it's like am i doing that am i doing all this stuff right that probably fucks you up 20 years like oh if you actually think about the shit you're going to die yeah absolutely well then hooverman's also like you got to look at the sun at 515 for eight minutes so your kid will be retarded I keep seeing a thing on my algorithm I have a child and it's like giving your kid sugar within the first three years increases their odds I'm like so I'm just fucked like I gave him ice cream already yeah he's gonna die and the TV like the TV fucks him yeah I don't know I feel like they'll be fine it'll be like they'll be definitely more autistic kids and I don't know but I mean I feel like everybody I know has sugar as a kid and watch TV as a kid and most people are fine you know what I

mean like it'll be why is it a problem all of a sudden right now what is it's probably bad didn't realize how bad it was but yeah they'll be they're not going to die you know yeah I think it'll be okay it'll be fine he seems fine I don't worry I don't yeah I can get hyper obsessed with that shit though I have an aura ring I'll track my sleep I'll do all this stuff I apparently I don't get any deep sleep really I don't know what it is I check and I everything else is great and then my deep sleep is like 30 minutes a night maybe it's fucked up that's what I said I told it was my I told my wife it's her I'm like you just move around probably and fuck my deep sleep up but you

You ever try all of them at the same time, Apple Watch, whoop or a ring, and just, I don't see if they all say the same thing. I should do that. That's, I feel like a great test. I like picturing you go to bed. You have like, like, a thing from back to the futures on your head. You got, like, suction cups on your tits. Just sleep at me a mask for no reason. But yeah, you got to, I just, you get to a certain point.

You're like, no, I'm definitely dying. So it's like, there's, I'm going to try to, like, just maintain the ship as much as I can. Yeah. Well, yeah, I feel like an older. Dad, I'm like, I've got to live as long as I can for this guy. And stay healthy. I want to be able to have a pass with them. Yeah. So I'm going to the gym after this. Don't worry.

Yeah. That's the big thing. Once you have kids, you're really like, you guys fuck around a lot. You guys are out drinking, carrying on. Why do you guys have kids? Why do you guys have kids, man? You go, man, I've got to keep this thing afloat. Yeah. Well, just the K-Sof. I've been in Austin for four days. I've eaten Kesto

like 100% of the meals, including breakfast. Yeah. I'm a fat fuck. I'm like, I can't shit. My eyes. What are you eating? breakfast casso i went to magnolia cafe my favorite spot they got great pancakes but they serve caseo all day so i'm like i'm here yeah i was eating chips and casso and pancakes so sick yeah i got i got i i eat a lot of i was just in chicago and i went to the taste of chicago it's like a big food festival it was all fucking tacos i'm like dude that's all i eat i'm not it's kind of bullshit

somebody said it last night in austin tacos are like pizza in new york it's like the quick cheap just grab it's not a lot of it's not a lot of great pizza here but pizza stays enjoyable longer i'm tired of tacos there was never i never had a point where i was tired of pizza yeah that's a good point pizza so here's the thing though like if you go on the west coast i was telling people about friday you have friday pizza night grown up every friday yeah yeah absolutely my friend's out the west coast now and he was like telling people out there about that and they're like that's crazy they're like that's so bad for you to eat pizza every friday oh i ate pizza i mean my diet is fucking wild really i eat macdonalds like a couple times a week

chicken barm three four times a week how's the mickey ds sit with you i miss chriette Is it like diarrhea right away? Do you pass a healthy movement after Mickey D's? No, I'm okay. I think I'm used to. I used to do a joke in my act about this. People were like, if you don't, someone said this to me, like, if you stop eating McDonald's for like six months and then you try having it again, your body will just reject it.

So I did it. And I'm like, no, my body was like, you're back. I took a perfect fucking double-tapered shit. It was beautiful. I love it. But again, like I hate to be like dad guy, but it's like sometimes the baby goes, dad, you're so exhausted that I'm like, just give me some fucking McDonald's. give me something. And I live in a luxury building. I mean, again, I don't want to be that

guy, but I'm doing okay. And I get like, I'm embarrassed. There's like a door guy with a suit, like handing me my McDonald's bag. And I feel like lawyers are walking by being like, who is this fucking idiot? And I do it a lot. It's embarrassing. That's kind of, it's kind of alpha, dude. I know Warren Buffett drinks Coca-Cola. That's his big thing. Trump smashes McDonald's. He loves McDonald's. Yeah. I think Jay Leno, too, was a big fast food. Really? I think he might still be yeah i haven't i swear you i haven't eaten macdonalds get yourself some mcdonalds it's fine i would throw up i would for real throw up i can't eat it terrible mcdonald was it the last time we went to last time we went to last time we went to mcdonals i got a double

quarter-pounder uh mcchicken and a mcdwell and and fries like i just i i i how to sit with you i took a i took a probiotic right after a little bit of it like this might be like government. He's like, I looked at the sun for a half hour, and it went down perfect. He's like a pro-biatic. It's like, this might balance the gut, the gut shit. And I just shit a lot in the morning. I took it. I drink, I drink a smoothie all the time. So like I woke up crush a smoothie. That's how I feel. Yeah, I'd call them health posters. I do either green juices or smoothies. You do yen and yang. Yeah, yeah. I'm exactly the same. And I feel like it kind of works. I think so. I went to Juice Land this morning. I was like, I had queso four times yesterday. I got to have juice land and I took a massive shit I call it my morning Python

just every morning just a big fucking anaconda It's just a log log Yeah So I think we're all right Yeah How heavy will you get

If you can you go Will you get fat This is the heaviest I've been But I'm also I'm working out More than I've ever worked out And I'm also eating More than I've worked out

Nice So I'm like 183 or something I got you know Dad stomach You're bulking Yeah And you get the muscles

From carrying the kid the time he's wants to be carried all the time and he won't go to this side maybe he's autistic he hates this side so it's all right on but uh yeah this is the biggest i've ever been but i'm very long i'm a fucking yeah yeah you know i just i just read a stat they said 90% of autistic adults are undiagnosed that makes sense they weren't checking for like they're checking for there's apparently there's like a you know it's like endemic in adults there's like a lot of people who should have been, that now would have been, like, screened for, like, on the autism spectrum. But I have a big autism thing because I just think we say it too much.

Because I have a close friend whose brother is, like, severely autistic, like, what we think of, like, and he, you know, he has, like, an iPod or AirPods in all the time because he needs music. And if you say what day you were born, he can tell you the day, like, your date of your birthday. He knows what day. And also, he has to be, like, attended. Like, he's, you know, he's got. severe autism. And then people are like, well, say to me, like, I'm like, oh, that music is driving me crazy. Like, I don't even hear music. You might be autistic. And I'm like, I don't, well, I don't identify as autistic. Like, they spread the net pretty, pretty far now.

Yeah. It's like you're like, ADHD is like autism. They say if you have that, you're also autistic now. Really? Yeah. Sweet. My wife's autistic. Yeah, that's what I'm trying to say. Yeah, I guess it's me too. Well, OCD also is so similar. Like, I have OCD, but so, so like there's a lot of similarities if you read autism thing I'm like oh I have that that and that but yeah I'm not autistic what's the OCD how's that flare up

like I mean I have like weird first of all I'm like I blink all the time like I do like these blinks and my arm as be flexing all the time my left arm and I'll see like something that I feel like I need to step on or I'll do a weird foot things I need to step on stuff and then I also drink the same cup of tea from Starbucks every day. I don't get it. I mean, and I sneak

very quickly turned off. Okay. I give you straws. I'm going to stab me in the eye. That is a whole bunch of handful of stuff. It's kind of under the radar, though. I wouldn't know. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. My wife does a joke about it. She's like, he doesn't have the OCD where he cleans. I'm like, people think of like hand-washing.

I'm like, I'll take a piss and get off the subway and go eat a sandwich. We're just stepping and not stepping on the cracks. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I can get in it. I can get in and not stepping on the cracks. I'll still do that every now and again. Yeah. It's just fun to be like, let me time my steps perfectly so I don't hit these cracks yeah it's fun but I gave up after well but yeah so you got I got problem but then people now people are like they use it's like a virtue to have I'm like embarrassed yeah I'm like trying my hardest not to blink weird because of YouTube comments

I can't keep my eyes open it's crazy I'm like humiliated by it yeah it didn't become cool to have like autism now it's either like you gotta have something if you're if you're like 24 and you're like, no, I'm, I'm good. They're like, that sucks. Yeah, yeah, no. You got to be like, yeah, you got to be kind of like gay or something. Cutting is big. Cutting.

Gay cutting. Gay cutting. I'm saying, or a minority. Yeah. Or double minority. Gay black man. You're not gay. You're the least gay person, I know.

I don't know, but it's too late. I'll just be gay. I was. laughing today about like especially with the podcast and like ads and all that stuff there's definitely i i would i would like to think that there are some sort of like border room and these like startups or like Spotify where they're like checking almost like a like a stock trading floor the reading comments but a lot of people that saying the host of this podcast is gay we got to call the magnesium powder people dude to see if it's shit they're calling them gay they're calling them a gay

schizophrenic loser so how did you end up gay They said I was being gay. We went to L.A. for a week when Shay was doing the S-Bee's. And they said, yeah, they said L.A. I was just gay in L.A. I wasn't. But what was the accuser being gay in L.A. for? I did. I mean, I said, I was.

You wore cool clothes. That was what it was. Well, I wore, I wore one shirt. It's not even that cool. But I, uh, what it really was is I've, I've been for real for a kind of home before my whole life. Seems like I was talking about the kid, not kissing girls and stuff. And then I, you know, grew out of it. But I still had that thing where I couldn't joke.

gay that much and you know hanging out with y'all eventually y'all broke it down and then i got i started trying to have fun gay jokes with y'all and then the second i did it it was like yeah what the hell and then i couldn't say anything without being suss and then lamare's nasty ass made sure he brought it up on the podcast he knew what he was doing he he got mad at me all we were doing panties once because he was like uh that's the name of our podcast so it does but he uh he uh he he he he he he not boxer briefs but true also says

because when we were talking I brought up him having sex with those with the trans he was like for real mad at that he was like you tried to it was like what? Oh well he yeah and to be fair

I'm still riding for Lamar on this dude oh I'm on this side too it's hilarious he lost his virginity to a woman who then became a guy right after oh okay and she was like one week in the tea she was I saw a picture

she was hot I guess now was hot as that on paper it sounds funny and he said I lost virginity to technically a guy he lost now

yeah he lost virginity to a guy right that's that's kind of the wrinkle he spazzed on me on panties he was like you were trying to be nasty

to me because you brought that up and I was like I was being nasty after what you did to me it was it was all yeah you'll now be ever

your descendants are going to be like oh shit he was gay he used to be he used to be nasty all they'll know is they'll do an AI summary like your grandfather never kiss girls personal policy never kissed girls ever since he was a child

and then was no street yeah the internet legacy will be crazy yeah it's kind of fun to ancestor dot com would be so cool seeing all your embarrassing fucking Facebook posts or shit yeah that's my for sure it's going to also have your digital history yeah it'll be like uh yeah you'd sit down and get like a full download probably like a curated thing of like this is what your father was up to. Oh, it's insane to think about. Yeah. It's all the

podcasts. Podcasts. Web history. Don't forget about web web history. Web history is the one. That'll be out there. Like it's just everything you've ever jerked off to is going to your kids. Your kids are kids kids. It'll be up. It'll be in your kids like neuralink thing and they can get like a super fast flash like the speed of their

synapses where I can just be like wow. Yeah, be fucked up. But by then they'll be the weirder shit probably. Yeah. Because we keep getting weirder and weirder.

I think porn's about the grind to a halt. I'm not just saying that because I personally concoed my demons. I think it's good. I don't know, man. I think it's going to be

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my daughters I'm not worried about it but like I still might put the smut checker on there that app you're talking about where it's like the dad here here at Covenant Eyes there's an app called Covenant Eyes

where you and your son can like link your phone so that like if anything you know porn related comes up it'll trigger like your dad would get a like a notification oh wow does he get the same notification

when you look at porn? I think so I think that's the covenant i think you had there's like a i see i think there's a politician who's used covenant eyes with his son wow it sounds it does sound like the opposite of like father's son duos who get hookers together oh wow i'm gonna try to land in between the two somewhere right in the middle i'm gonna do neither of those things i don't know but i feel like you'll have it i'm like before you we were like i don't think kids will have free range open porn i think it's gonna be parents are going to put a kibosh on that i for real hope not that that shit was kind of real terrible

for us yeah it's not good i started i looked at like red tube when i was had to be 12 or 13 yeah i never had any porn i was all serious catalog and stuff that was we had magazines later i did series catalog and then i came in in college was like when i could start downloading it and then it was just open on the internet my whole adult life but not as a child that would fuck you up let me or uh sean what did you what did you discover you were right mike johnson the Speaker of the House of Representatives publicly talks about his use of COVID and eyes with his 17

year old son. Nice. Yes. Now, will they continue it once he's 18? Will he keep the traditional alive? Will he legally as an adult be a father? I'm recommending we shut down our covenant? I'm not sure. I think it's a good idea. I think I've been anti-porn for a while.

I would get a burner phone if I had covenant eyes with my dad. I would just have a second cell phone. I couldn't live like that. I think you said burger phone, like those old phones that were like that. And I was like, yeah, this things are awesome. This calls one-night hundred numbers.

I mean, it is weird because I like, it's hard to not look at porn. It's like almost unthinkable. So like, because I've tried to stop it. And it took me three years to finally be like I don't need to look at it. Yeah, Instagram don't make it. Everything makes it hard.

Yeah. I'm really looking at the, yeah. I try not to look at my Instagram, for real is just like steroid guy screaming at it. I don't get a lot of babes. It's just steroid guys fighting and arguing with each other. No, mine's like movies, photography, and baseball. Like, people go to their search thing, and I'm, like, actually embarrassed by mine.

Yeah. It's just like, Robin Yount hit 3,000 hits and whatever. I'm like, oh. Some, there's times or minds is 100% women, and it's the most embarrassing thing. That's for the nature of your guys. You guys do research for your podcast. True. That has been making it worse.

I still don't know how you pull. They do a babe of the week every week. And they have to, like, explain. why she's the babe of the week and they're fighting sometimes it's funny and other times we take it too seriously

you just pick hot ladies and go she's the hottest yeah but how what does your babe say about the babe of the week you tell her like obviously you're a baby you're the babe of my lifetime

yeah has she ever even like brought it up egrudgingly because I feel like I would get I would get pressed in my house for that if you have you know I don't want to sew discord

no no she doesn't like she really doesn't she's she never anything that's kind of comedy related she never unless I was like start talking about like her too personal like shit it's her privacy she don't she I mean she knows

she knows me we'll be watching some she watches real housewives and I go like whose tities are those like that's kind of how we exist and nice and I think my wife has a rule like you don't listen to your partner's podcast I can't commit she's like it's like reading a diary yeah that feels like the right thing

yeah yeah I've I've swayed my wife away from it I was like, just please don't watch it. And my mom, my wife and my mom would say, please don't watch my podcast ever. I would bet my girl listens every time she knows I'm on something. I think about that too. You're talking about like your son getting older or your daughters, whatever, listening, seeing your history. I think that that must be hard to date because you meet someone. They can immediately just go and listen to everything you've ever said.

That would be scared to me being single and meeting a girl. And I'm like my charming self. And then she can put on a podcast of like, would you eat your own dad's come for fucking $100? And she's like, oh, this guy's a piece of shit. Yeah. What I think, though, is if your podcast is doing well, we'll be like, great. Right. You know what I mean? Once you get, you know, once you sell one boner pill, they're like, yep, it's good.

I don't care what the fuck this guy talks about. And there really is something out there for everyone because there's like, you know, there's popular podcasts that go pretty wild. And it's like, like, Holocaust denial has become a big thing. That's a big podcast, you know what? That was like, it was a move, man. there was like the last year I've seen Dan Bolzarian fucking hit the gas pedal on that he just out of nowhere

I was just like I'm I think I'm correct I don't know if I'm wrong but I think he pushed the pedal on that that's like a light speed podcasting technique you just like you know what man I'm just gonna go into holocaust just make a million dollars I'm sure there's like girls out there that are like yeah I'll just date this guy and you know whatever

wish him peace and you know whatever live laugh love but the uh yeah no I feel like There's someone out there for everything, so. Yeah, I guess so. Also, there's no way. I don't know, because I feel like I've talked about stuff before that's just like, I don't know.

It's just not like you wouldn't bring it up at a dinner table. But if it works, I think people are like, oh, this is great. Right. Well, I have this do. Like my wife, one time I was performing in Austin, like her brothers live here and her sister invited her mother to the show. And I had to step in and be like, you cannot have your mother come to my show. And her mother's like a British intellectual. intellectual elderly woman and I'm like talking about eating her asshole and stuff

I'm like this is outrageous like I never I wouldn't say shit in front of her yeah like literally the word shit did she come no no I was like I'm sorry you can it was awkward because she's like I guess I can't see your comment and I want to be like you can watch it on YouTube by yourself yeah still horrifying but dude I don't even know you're there like that's yeah I've had to just completely be like yeah just I'm gonna do it if you it was my wife will invite like her you invited her grandfather one time and I just I was like constantly talking about my wife jerking me off among other things and he just

sat through the whole thing because I remember being like well fuck I'm gonna do my thing and you'll see how he feels and uh he was pretty supportive he was like that was hilarious oh that's good that's what I found is people are surprised surprisingly kind of like I was my like parents came a couple times and I thought they'd be kind of like what the fuck when my mom just laughed she's just like you're gross yeah my parents come but my

mother and I also went and saw Nate Bargatsi and she was like that was terrible he was misogynistic. He should not talk about your wife like that. And I was like, oh, my God. She's like, Nate was like, this guy hates women. I was like, oh, Jesus. That's interesting. If I heard that, it'd be like, oh, wow, yeah. Although it's, I don't know, man. I think he's got

a letter, taste the power. You should just, that's a good name for a special. Taste the power. I feel like, yeah, because I, yeah, because I remember when I recorded my first special, my wife is like, your parents are going to be there, but I won't tell you which show. So then I was like, oh, cool. But then every show, I was like, are they here at this one?

And I was like, so then I had to be like, just tell me where they're coming. I'm just going to let it rip. See, my parents are very, like, it's a very like liberal language. How so, like, I don't feel self-conscious around them because we swear and all that. I was talking about specifically like my dad, like getting pussy and stuff. Oh. So, yeah. So that was kind of tough.

Well, I'm talking about his lack. I was like imagined, like, a huge, right. But then I was actually in the first encouraging my mom to maybe pony up a little bit. help the old man out. So, you know, but they just were like, whatever. They kind of laughed through it.

Yeah, I had a joke about how my mother wanted to fuck Patrick Swayze. I watched, what's the movie? You know, Dirty Dancing when I was a kid and my mother was like,

hmm, that Patrick Swayzee, which is true. And so I had a whole bit about it. And then when I did it live and they were there, I just wouldn't do that bit. But then they eventually watched my special

and it's in there. Did they say something about it? No, she never mentioned anything, but it's true. I mean, she's a fucking, she wants.

Patrick Swayze. She can't. I'd hold it back. She'll still do it. She's like Patrick Swayzy. My God. And it's like so insane. Why?

You want to get like plowed by Patrick Swayze. So now it's even more. Yeah, yeah. Women are so much hornier for dead guys than they are later guys. He's a good looking man. He was. He could dance his fucking ass off. And I always felt bad because I'm like my dad doesn't look anything like Patrick Sway.

He must just be like, this sucks. Yeah. That's one of the moves will do to you. He's handsome. He's like, this guy looks nothing like me. Why would you do that? I had a girlfriend, my previous girlfriend, my ex-girlfriend, whatever you say. And someone, we were like, I had to hang with some buddies.

And she was like, someone was like, what's your type? And she was like, I like a rugged outdoor guy, long hair, like she just described, just completely not me. And I was like, this is crazy. How did you bring it up or you just let it go? I would joke about it after and like she laughed and everything. Because I was like, she liked because I was like funny, self-deprecating guy. So I was like, that was great. And she would laugh.

but you're also at the same time you're like well that's what the fuck I guess I'm just not I'm so curious I kind of want you to hold frame on your mother-in-law are you familiar with it like frame and all that stuff no dude there's a whole this is why my algorithms are steroid guys yelling but there's a bunch of guys on the internet who are obsessed with there's an idea called frame it always makes me laugh but it's like you dictate the pace of everything so you go to the house you like basically you know it's just like everything's up you always drive your wife drives she's definitely probably going to cheat on you according to these guys oh my wife drives well

the time and I found that out I was like fuck yeah frame you have to like you can't let someone influence if someone's influencing your actions at all you've lost frame according to these guys well these guys don't sound great the world wouldn't sustain dude it even gets to the point where it's called the blue line or green line so there's like a test where they analyze your photos and if you're even leaning in towards your wife at all she's dominating you which is i think that's hilarious oh wow so it goes that deep but like yeah if anyone else is influencing your decisions, you've lost frame. Oh, I got to check out this frame business.

Yeah, you got to get your frame, but your mother that holds frame right now. You've got to snatch the frame. So next time, but don't you think I hold the frame? I'm like, you can't come to the show. That's, that's frame. Okay, that's frame. Get out of here. You're not coming, and she had tickets to my show. I didn't let her go. And you got the money from her. That actually is kind of frame. Exactly. My bad. That's frame.

I'm framed the hell out of her. Fair point. I didn't think about that. You should invite her to another one and then cancel the last minute. If you did that, I'd like definitely, you got framed for sure. I think my wife does the leaning. She always does like a thing. She leans in? Yeah, yeah. I'm up right. Sucks for her. I remember watching the thing about handshakes in politics. Like you always want to be the person on the outside and then like turning the hand over like this. Oh, really? Yeah. That's why people will do that. They'll turn it. The upper hand is like big. You're like a bitch. Oh shit. I know that.

And then I've heard that politicians will like argue on who's on what side of the photo. Because when you're like that, you're kind of like turning your arm like yeah or whatever oh yeah you want to be this guy you want to be this guy yeah well that's probably where that forearm grab brother shake comes from yeah yeah i would just do those because that would suck i didn't even think about that you got to take the lesser yeah it's very emasculating to be like yeah okay it is i i will say i'd imagine it is kind of a bleak existence though to be constantly mapping out these moves and you know or it becomes just how you like just how you move to the world like nope But then you'd have to like, you'd be, I can't imagine myself in a social setting where I'm like taking a, first of all, a handshake picture is crazy to big, all right, hold on, get this while we're shaking.

But then like being in that situation and somehow gracefully like whipping the other human to the side that I want them. I just lack. And then I just lack that. Yeah, I was just like doing this. Spending around trying to figure out. I was just at a family party this weekend. And my mother-in-law, I like took my coat off and I was just holding it and standing. there by myself and I genuinely didn't know where to put it and I just stood there like that

until my mother-in-law was like Matt come here I walked over and said here give me the code I saw you over there struggling I was like fuck I just I just completely just get fritzed out and just stood there with the coach going until she was like I saw that and I was like oh it doesn't make me feel any better but here you know thank you that seems like acting like a good house guest though like you just not throwing it on the couch that'll feel like I would have came yeah I would have figured out a place but I was taking a little long and you noticed I guess I was kind of awkward. Also, I was and I'm getting better at, I was at the only

white guy at the party. Yeah. I'm getting better at this man. I swear to God, it's a skill. It's like a weird thing to be like, I don't know. Wow. Yeah. It's the worst nightmare. It is. Just kidding. Well, to be fair, I'm not great in any social setting, but yeah, once you throw, once you're like a complete radical minority

around it. And again, you're not a great special man, by the way. You're just throwing them out there. If I, and again, if I was like only, if I was last samurai action i'd be fine with i'd be cool with that but like black people are like notoriously kind of cool so it's like i've learned what i here's my approach what i've learned you gotta as like i'm pretty slubby in terms of dress code yeah but you do out of respect got to get a little a tiny bit fly just a little bit fly like just match something somewhat just out

of respect for the house that's hilarious you do it i get i'm getting just a time you don't want to go full black life effect that's almost like now you're a contender if i get two fly now it's like but if you get a little fly I feel like you're right away everybody's like I like Matt you have to get a tiny big fly you still wear the hocus or do you switch up to like I had the hocus but I had their brightly colored hokas and that that morning my wife bought me a fleece which is in the flyest but at the blue did match a blue in my shoe and I was like I'm ready for the party yeah but my experience being around black people being the most genuine self you can be I

feel exactly true yeah this is true I feel like if you try I I'd post a photo one time with New Balance sneakers and Nike socks and That's a no-no, evidently. I didn't know that. But I think it's, like, charming that I'm like, whoops? I agree. Because if you try to be like, what's up, homie? Like, I mean, you start and a lot of people do that.

Especially starting off stand-up, you go to, like, a black room with a white guy just talks different out of it. Like, you know, you for two years. To my credit, I used to, I would go to black rooms and talk Pokemon. I had no idea. A lot of black people watch anime. And I'm like, man, this Pokemon shit's fucking crushing. This is awesome. But, yeah, that is funny.

people like oh man i don't even fucking know and you're like to you why you're doing that no i felt when i first moved to new york i got in with this guy imagine i don't know if you ever met that comic i think he's portarican but he had all these like urban like urban imagine imagine yeah that's great and uh he had all these urban rooms i was doing all these urban shows and uh i would like i don't have sex it's crazy yeah yeah and then i would see white guys be like what what's up motherfucker or whatever i'm doing i just got out of jail I do football for the white guys, though, who, like, grew up around black people

and didn't want to do comedy. If you're not, it's only one. You can only be what Gary Owens. True. And then after the head. Gary Ows is brought up to me. He's like, is your comedy like Gary Owens? And I didn't know how to navigate it.

I was like, not particularly, no. So what do you do? I was like, that's different. Like, how's it different? I didn't know. I was trying to think of like, I don't just talk about black stuff, though? I don't know.

I didn't know how to say that to the person. I was like, is it like, is it like that? Is it like, sort of. I was like, I heard he's actually I actually did here he's a really nice guy but I had to be like yeah not really

but like how's it different I'm like I can't really say I was like I'd have to think about it for a while tell your wife's whole family it's not that black it's not that black that's all I was trying to say

I'm like it's not as black as he's way blacker than I am I'm about his tenth as black as Gary that's what I should have said less it's less black more white boy crazy but yeah

I'm getting better I'm telling you man. I think that was like my best one yet. I've been to my best flag party I've been to. He's killing it. I did bosh. They asked me if I had a player face, and I was just like, I don't know. I don't remember what I said.

I was like, uh, I don't know. I actually was married previously. You know, I've been divorced before, but maybe between the day I just botched it, dude. Imagine saying that to a guy in an all red sweatsuit. Oh. Well, I got married No, 25. Let's see.

That, yeah, that didn't go well. I could have been like, I don't want to talk. There could have been so many other things, but. Of course, I had to play with me. Yeah, it's true. I know, I know. I know, dude. That's why, again, you're going to think, you know,

you think about the balls you drop, obviously, all night, but. Oh, yeah. I should have been like, I fucking cheat in my wife all the time. No, it was great. It was a great party, for real. I had a blast. But, yeah, it is. that's something man i always you know that's that's a wild thing it's crazy i always say it the

black people it's crazy to be like physically outnumbered by people who don't look like you yes when they foot the script on you go this does kind of change you thinking a little bit you can this isn't the best let's let's reverse this back i feel it's freaky friday's over dude let's give me you back the dominant position here no i had that one time years ago i opened for uh i don't want to say his name i get nervous but a black comic who's was famous and we were hanging out i but we like before i thought we were friends and this person has some sort of disorder. And we were hanging out. It was like all of his crew. And I was like, this is great. Look at me. And we were watching the basketball game. And it came down to like the

last play. And I was like, any predictions? What are you think is going to happen here? And this person snapped and was like, I don't predict. I let what be be. And then he like got up and started ranting about like slavery and stuff. He was drunk. And I was like, well, this is a bad situation. It was like, it was me and like 14 guys. And I was the only white guy. And he was like, this is what the white people have been doing and then there was a guy I was like should I like get out of here? He's like oh no he does this. Yeah yeah and it was quite terrifying I have to say

you tell him that England ended slavery I already went into that yeah pardon me uh actually here's the thing but it was yeah I remember I was kind of looking around like oh this is if he gets these other folks on on board I don't even think about that I don't have any

you know yeah but it was fine that is uncomfortable though I yeah I've been in that situation where, like, you know, powers of the past kind of reared the drug with a conversation. That becomes the dialogue and you're like, ah! Yeah, it's crazy. Sorry. Yes, crazy. It wasn't a global

institution, but it's fucking crazy. There's practice all throughout the beginning of the time. But yeah, it's... What I think happens with white people, that happens way more black people, is y'all will end up in a situation like that around, like, regular like black people that would feel that, like, act like that. But black people are

never around white people that, if they all get fired up, it's uncomfortable. Like, I'm not around a bunch of rednecks. Like, if they all started going like, see, that's the problem. Like, but I'm never, I'm just around like, y'all. Right, right. That's a great point. But, uh, because I was sitting there like, in my head I'm like, nobody's going to do nothing to you.

But I can see it being like, oh, shit, I might have fucked up. Yeah. I mean, and in that situation, I wasn't like, I'm going to die, but it felt like, oh, am I like, bumming you guy? Like, should I? Yeah. Exactly. That's like. Trust me. And I can see myself. getting in that if I was hanging with rednecks just like straight up country just yeah just because

i don't know i don't know that that's what it felt it felt more like why i'll let you guys go you guys have your thing yeah yeah i just talked i felt like that at black church before i'm like am i like hopefully i'm not like dampening this i want this guy to be able to do his thing and i you know worry about me i'm cool get to the back flips because you're over there he wants to do the worm but he's like we got a white guy here you do feel kind of like a wet blanket on the situation well damn it dude I think we got it, man. I think we covered a lot.

I think we did. We covered a lot of ground. I appreciate it. Well, I had a breakfast was a green tea and a smoothie, so I'm about to piss my pants. I'll let, please, you first. I'm about to explode. How about you, Nate? No, Max, kind of cool.

I didn't have my coffee. Bum me out. I'm really having a tough time here. Coffee. Well, is there anything you want to? I plug my special. Yeah, I got a special called Small. I have four specials on YouTube.

The latest one's called Small Ball. I meant to ask you about that, by the way, dude. Maybe the most prolific dude ever. Oh, thanks. I appreciate that. Spread the word for God's sake. You what? I said, spread the word for God's sake.

I will. Tell somebody. I will. Yeah, so there are a bunch on there. I hate myself, enough for everybody, this year's material, and small ball. They're all up there. And they each go down in order of views. That's good.

10 million, two million. No, that's bad. One million, 800,000. No, but dude, the prolificness. I, every time I opened up the other day, I went, what the fuck? Oh, thanks, man. Son of a bitch. I'm trying.

So I got to stop him. No, that's amazing, dude. Thanks, man. I appreciate it. Thanks for having me. This is fun. Of course. A quick blow.

Please. Optum noctus. Lamar might be back for that one. Me, Sean, LaMere, all back again. September 16th. So next Tuesday, please, please come. Oh, and October 23rd, helium. Billy Milana, please.

Thank you. Please, yeah. Go, please. P. I'm gonna fuck, my head's about to explode. My head's about to explode.