Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 581 - Teenis Fly Trap (feat. Lemaire Lee)

Episode Date: October 15, 2025

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Go See N8 @ Atlanta Helium @ https://atlanta.heliumcomedy.com/shows/328915 Go See Lemaire Lee Live @ https://lemairelee.fun/ Go See Shawn Gardini Live if you want  @  https://www.shawngardini.com/live hello everybody. Hope you're all having a great week so far! Here's the cast. Just the fambly this week. Twas a hot cast ... take my word for it. If not ... well I guess you'll just have to see for yourself. Watch Matt's spesh on Netflix!!!! Please enjoy. God bless. Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/DRENCHED and use code DRENCHED and get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

The Wow, Wow, Wes. Maybe I'm allergic to Altenaria. You're going to be getting an ulterior outbreak. Fucking bullshit. All right. Hey. Whoa. Fucking Altenaria.

I hope it's not. I don't even know what that is. Do you know dust mites when you're allergic to dust mites are actually allergic to their poop? Mm. That's what gets you. They're never would have even considered their poop. Not me either. I actually have a dust mite allergy.

And it's the fuck I was breathing in their poop that was getting me. I know bugs pooped. yeah they fucking poop yeah everything everybody poofs bro they do eat yeah yeah yeah you eat poop now what were you saying about trump oh liberal ass of you ass malfucker i'm trying to be peaceful he brought peace to the middle east dude you gotta you gotta give the man his bro he's hot doggin dude he's hot dog right now uh i've i've i've i've saw the articles i haven't seen his talks he's a hot dog i saw him call that lady beautiful that was yeah that's his part of it's big three that's he's hot dog i mean he's hot dog

dude he's like yeah what's up we got bad bitch behind me if you don't mind me saying you're a bad bitch anyway suck my dick everybody I knew I could do it and every other world leader's like fuck it yeah he did it I mean I always said before that'd be nice if we just tricked all the billionaires

into being like dude if you like you know it's the best if you really truly give away like a billion bucks you're the man they're like oh I'll fucking do that yeah yeah Trump being like you won't bring peace the middle of this you pussy he's like watch me bitch for real it's kind of nice

he's yeah he's also i mean he's putting out great clips this week is he i mean yeah it's he's feeling good everybody's kind the media is kind of on it like like we got to give you credit for this and he's like yeah that's what the fuck i thought but there's one they're like uh because he had mentioned before about if he can do this he might be able to get into heaven did you hear that one no there's a there's a reporter this time on air force one was like do you think you're going to get into heaven now and he was like nah i don't think i'm ever getting into heaven but dang it's just a

beast. That's so funny. He's like, I don't think I'm ever going to get in heaven, but I'm just going to try to help as many people as I can. It was like, Don, you have no idea how Christ like that actually was. Yeah, true. That's the actual message. You accidentally stumbled upon the real message. Damn. How many people have Christ deported? What? How many people has Christ deported? A bunch of Jews at the temple. When he was mad. Yeah, that one time. Per capita, he deported a lot. Yeah. You can't even give them its flowers for 10 seconds I gave him his flowers

I'd be giving them as flowers all week But it's all right Bring the government back How do you think about the National Guard Didn't the Dems? Didn't the Dems shut it down? No The Dems can't shut it down

What do you mean? They don't have enough power To shut down the government Yeah It's a pub shut down Is it a pub shut down? The pub control is every Dude is they still control

All the seats It shuts down constantly And everyone's like The government shut down And nobody cares It's like, because it shut down 50 fucking times. It never affects shit because I don't work for the government. If I work for the government, I'd be like, fuck, my job's closed right now.

I don't work for the government. So when it shuts down, I'm like, what, am I not going to get parking tickets? Good. I don't care if the government shuts down. Sorry. I'll tell you when it does affect me is when there's no flyover at the Oklahoma, Texas game. Okay, that's fucking bullshit. And there was supposed to be a flyover at the Notre Dame game.

That's fucking bullshit. I think F-35. I was excited about that. They, for real, canceled it because the government shutdown? Government shutdown, no flyovers. I think somebody said that. Trump? Trump?

Explain yourself. Fucking Middle East, dude. Give me some flyovers. Can we have flown one plane to the Middle East and over the stadium? Can you see if I'm right about the government shutdown, the government shutdown affecting my college football flyovers? They were so hype for that, too. There's nothing better. There's nothing better.

I'm sorry, for real. I'm really sorry. Oh, yeah, that's fucking bullshit. Yeah, jinks. Government shutdown? Takes away flyovers? We can't have this. Yes, it can affect military flyovers at sporting events.

Did Chuck Schumer have anything to do with this shutdown? I looked that up to you. This says it was basically blamed both parties on this one, but it goes back and forth. If that was a liberal rag, I'm sure it just means it was the left. You can't blame the Dems. They don't have like. enough well they motioned

for something in Congress and then that led to a shutdown and the repubbs did the same thing so it was kind of like you know we're conveniently forgetting about

the list he brought peace to the Middle East and we forget about the damn list yeah I mean dude it's still bad although

it's good he brought peace to the Middle East it's withstanding you know yeah the scales of justice are tipping in his side you get a little six out in there it's all

That's how old the kids were. At what point do you say, like, fuck, man, all right, well. Never. We'll erase you off there. Let you erase yourself off there. I still need the list, but shout out to peace in the Middle East for now. Shout out to peace, yeah. Bill Clinton came out.

It was like, nice. Nice work. And Trump was like, dude, Bill's the man. That's so sick. Not a good thing to say during the fucking list. I don't want to send his wife to jail anymore. Dude, yeah I know a lot of like the people

I don't even know what it's called His DOJ or the DOJ Have been getting pressed Because didn't they're like Alleging that someone The Trump administration basically was like Let me know if my name comes up in that thing And they'll ask them point blank

And they'll be like I'm not playing these stupid games with you guys Yeah Cash Madelda You guys can play games all day What about the fucking crime in the cities Of Democrat mayors? How about that?

I don't we talking about it? Honestly, he's like talking to my dad Just answer the question Go home, you go to dad Trump's a fucking pervert Yeah, all right, well Why don't you go hang out in Chicago? Tell me how that goes

Fucking Democrat bullshit My brother's been calling My parents dams It's been pissing them off Yeah Just have a cleaning lady From a window Oh no

He goes, dude How about you get some fucking Americans in here You guys are like Busting his balls about shit He goes, you guys are fucking dams man classy. Oh, you think, you think I'm a fucking damn. My dad gets so mad. Damn is insulting, dude. It kills him, dude.

That kid at Florida States and I looked like I voted for Biden a while ago and it's stuck with me. Yeah. It's been four years. I was trying to parallel. Yeah, it was a killer insult. He was on a balcony, bro. Do what? He was a frat kid from Florida State on a balcony and he yelled down at us. I got, I got damned by

a tow truck driver, which at least is a little better. But I was trying to parallel park and it wasn't fast enough for him. He's like, driving like a fucking Democrat and zoomed off. And I was like, damn. I got to be honest. Damn. A working collar or a blue collar man, that hurts. Yeah, it hurt me, man. I had like a just a pussy fracket.

That's what I'm saying. That's, you could take that. Although that kind of hurts even more. Yeah, that hurts more too. Then you're like, I'm a tow truck driver. I was like, you got me, bro. You're lucky I don't come up there and beat your ass. Yeah, I'm not, I'm like terror.

Do you ever like go get your car back from one of those places? Yeah. It's all just tinted out glass. Junk yard by the fucking river. Yeah, dude. It's like, yeah, there's just guys on meth fucking fighting over junk cars. I'm like, you guys, whatever you say, yes, yes, sir. college kid you would kick it around me like I should have fucking punched him in his fucking

yeah but he was at a party up on a balcony it's like dude what do you want me like I'll come up there and get my ass kicked by 20 hot guys throwing so you should have thrown something throwing something after it's too high would have been oh you would have missed would have been short

you would have been like classic Biden voter it would have been short forget it that would have been brutal way worse just having a beer bottle fall down back towards you? Like, fuck. 20 feet in the air, max.

Slips out the back of your head. It looks like Kirkering from the Phillies trying to get it home. It's just a girl throw for no reason. It's an MLB pitcher. Why did it look like a girl throw? Damn, dude, that was a tough Philly week.

Yeah. Yeah. That sucked. Yeah. But that Longhorn Sooner game was very, Very fun. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you guys are Longhorn fans now?

Yeah, shout out of arch. You got to pick a college team eventually. Yeah, I think, I can't go two. I can't go Bama and Longhorns. You can't go Bama. Bama was fun. It's such a bitch movie. Are they both in the SEC, though?

Yeah. You got to pick one. Same division. You guys hate me, dude. Bama's a crazy pick. My real friends pick Notre Dame. How do they do this week, by the way? They're still rolling, bro.

They want. This is a big one this week, though. USC. The Trojans. the Trojans are coming to town I don't like the Irish guy What I don't like the left

I don't like their logo So an all-time classic logo Everybody likes the logo I'll be honest That makes it a little tough for me too The fighting Irish Go I gotta say go Irish All the time

So you pick the two most racist schools No name Beat up the clan And marched with Dr. King Come on man Side by side Arms locked with Dr. Kang. Yeah, but do they have Bivo?

You guys got a Bivo? No, we did have a little tiny dog named Clashmore Mike who used to rock. That would be awesome. Clashmore Mike. Yeah, that's pretty awesome. We got to bring back Clashmore Mike. Bring them back. I don't know how there's still so much to learn about Notre Dame.

I thought I knew all the stuff. I didn't know they had a tiny dog named Clashmore Mike. It's like as old as the country. Really? I mean, 100 years later. Yeah, yeah, true. It's fucking from the 1800s. Dang.

Yeah, there's a lot of history. Damn, so football, they were preexistent. Football. They were there before football. Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah. What the hell? What the hellie. This episode is brought to you by prize picks.

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It's good to be right. Alabama, that's a crazy pick, bro. He picked, yeah, and they were the best in the world at the time. Well, that's the real reason why I don't want to do it. The only reason I picked them, I don't follow college at all, but we went to two better games and they were, I mean, it was hype as hell. It was a good time.

That makes sense. But yesterday, not yesterday, Saturday was just as good, though. Like, I can't. I can't. I was trying very hard not to pick a side, but that punt return, and then they were, like, fire the cannon. I got to fire the cannon after the, yeah. Who let you fire the cannon?

All of them. What? Every single, yeah. Fired it for the game? Fire it for the touchdown. And then Governor Abbott came over. Didn't mean the governor like. What was the guv up to?

The gov was chilling, dude. That's what's up. I don't know any of his policies other than I said, give me back my porn, you know what he did that? It was kind of noble. They tried to nix the like THC Farm Bill thing, and he came up to him and he was like, no. Dude, his security had to pull me off him.

I grabbed him by his scruff. I said, you better give me back my fucking boy, give me my barn. And they pulled me out. Just give me one sight. Like six guys were pulling me. He was like, get that fuck off, man. Give me the hub. Give me back my hub.

I'm tired of going on X videos and seeing the weirdest shit I've ever seen you. I'm so sick of it, dude. I don't want to see any more Brazilians in a warehouse. They're making it. It's made it so much worse. What? Going on X one?

Having to go to X videos or whatever the other. You've got to find the shadiest. Yeah, you're in the speakees, you know? It's a prohibition. It's probably got long abortion. TB age. You have a wire hanger in your butt. Now I'm in a fucking alley.

Now I'm dealing with shady customers. I'm not lying, dude. I think they tossed. CP in the thumbnails sometimes. What? I swear. Yeesh. You fly past it.

I think there's... I do think there's way more CP on just all the sites than anyone likes to admit because... They skirt the edge of them. I don't think I saw it on the hub. Dude, they skirt the edge of. I was searching. I remember I was off for a while and then like months ago, I like, it was like the, I don't know, but I went on the hub and it was like, they were hitting.

me with like the youngest and I was like bro this is like so fucking close young babes yeah dude you're talking barely legal that's a genre yeah but it was like there was the main feed and it was kind of I was like dude this looks like maybe I was getting older but I'm like dang hub what the hell you're doing I don't like how white porn hub is their top videos are always white ladies it's because it's a lot of white people there finally some common ground dude it's not being honest man I'll be honest it is all white ladies

but a lot of black fellas are sneaking in there a little overrepresented you know every time there's a porn with one white lady there's like four black guys I don't understand

I don't understand why does she need a yard of dick it's not every time that's your algo bro that's just your algo bro she's lost you got into lost in the hood yeah

my daddy drive me off in the wrong neighborhood I saw a video recently of a guy talking about it was just like an unc in a car getting filmed just talking about like the rules for partying on a chick

which is you know just running a train dude it was it was like never mentioned another man hook no matter what don't even look at another man's hook condoned hooks it's nice it's really nice

one time my friend someone or he said he's uh he was there partying on a babe and he says his friend grabbed her head because a friend was hitting from behind he was getting head and the friend grabbed her head and was pushing for

and he goes what the hell he's like gotta get the hill up out of the he that was a weirdest shit in the world so it's like kind of like he was doing it right

it was so and he was like what about that one time he goes i told you that in confidence i don't want to talk about what happened did they the friend pushing the back of the head yeah there's rules for partying on a bitch yeah i love the term partying on a bitch party on a bitch is crazy as it's a big three six mafia fan it's almost every single song every single the whole the the the chorus can be the most uplifting like yeah you got to change your life get your money right you can do anything and

that goes straight in a verse of like me and my boys partied on a bit two in the front three In the back, everybody. Gis and all the bitch. You're like, all right. Changes the whole song. I don't know. Maybe it's one of those things, don't knock until you try it. Could be the ultimate bonding experience.

That's how me and my boys all, we got all of us. Yeah, we always parted on a bitch at the beginning. Yeah. Hand jobs, fingering, both partied on a bitch. It's kind of nice. Just like third base partying? Yeah. That's kind of nice.

Third base partying is actually very true. Never a sexual intercourse party. You didn't bust out your hooks. No, nobody's... Well, I mean, technically the hooks were out for the HJs, but it was dark. The HJs! You grab a wrist and just... We partied.

Yeah, I helped my boy out. I told you I didn't want to talk about this. When you're with Annex Platinum, you get access to exclusive dining experiences and an annual travel credit. So the best happens. in town might be in a new town altogether. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Terms and conditions apply.

Learn more at amex.ca.ca slash yamex. Dude, speaking of powerful black men, I saw T. Payne at ACL. I saw some videos of his dancing. It looked very nice. Dude, he is an absolute master of the craft. He came out. First of all, I got, I was planning on eating some mushrooms and going there. And then, you know, I was like sending feelers out. Everyone was like, now I'm good on that. So I was like, I'll take like a micro, like a little bit, like a little microdose.

But then I pigged on edibles. Dude, I forgot when you combine those things. They've, it fucking warps you. I was going through security. And I was, it like hit me in the Uber. And I'm just sitting there just like, oh no. People everyone's talking to me. And they're like, yeah, this one.

And I was, I couldn't like make, I could get like three words at a time. And I kept being like, uh, uh, and I was, just keeping it cool as I ate them before everybody else I've seen you high as shit you do keep it cool I kept it I kept it

I was on the fucking else ditty brother the worst is over we're fine now you've been in the Uber for three minutes I've real

kept it ice man I was sitting there you have to if no one else was no one was high I thought they were hitting the wine though there was some wine

there was also I got back and like I was I had the edible so I had the edible so I ate them first so then I gave them out later and I also was on the micro dose from earlier

so it like they hit me fast and then uh and I had like I was drinking like a weed drink and I'm in the car I'm just kind of like oh shit this is actually this might be a problem and then we had to go through that line and my fucking wristband didn't work so I had to get like go to another place

I was just being carted from point to point me at a park we had a walk get out of that line and I'm like just going to checkpoint to checkpoint all confused and like everything I it wasn't like cool either like I didn't have any like cool fun thoughts I was like a dog being high I was just like oh fuck that's weird just looking around and then my wristband got fixed and then I forgot I was like in line to get in they're like oh you have the rest of the edibles for there we had people in there and I was

like oh great like I didn't know I ate all the animals I had I did have in my pockets right to smuggle them in which isn't a big deal yeah but I was so high that I was like all right dude be cool about this and I like go through and I get stuff out of my pockets and I have like a plastic bag in my back pocket And the lady's like, is everything out of your pockets? And I was like, oh, yes, I believe so. And I smacked my pockets down. It's like, literally you hear a plastic bag squish.

And I was like, oh, shoot. And I, like, my, I had electrolytes for some reason. They fell. And I was like, that's what I was looking for. And I put them in and just walk through like, it was like I was smuggling in like a pound of heroin. Yeah. Fucking three. A couple of milligrams.

Tiny little gullies. Then I got in there and all headed, I had a mule just two chairs the whole time. So I just, it was the only thing. that kept me alive, just had these two chairs and just walking through just a massive people. Finally, dude, they were rocking chairs, folding rocking chairs. Dude, once I hit that chair,

T. Payne came on. I just got to watch T. Payne and the rocking chair. Just completely incapacitated. I'd be He brought me to life. That guy brought me back to life. I'd be such a whiny bitch if I had to do all that. Oh, I would do was... I'd be furious. I'd be like, I'm never doing this again. There's 10 million people here. It's 100 degrees.

It was nice. I saw a video of it and I saw the crowd and I was like, I will never. During the day, we took the kids during the day. That was fucking hot. But we, they have like, it's called the Austin Kitty limits and they had a giant drum circle for the kids. Dude, I got the, I sat in on the drum circle. I might, I might try to start those things off, dude. It was the best.

Drum circles are the best, dude. It can't be. Oh, they are. Dude, the guys, it's just like guys that are good. Then you just get to do a little bit. And then you start to kind of show off a little bit. When it works out, you're like, I might be the coolest guy. It's, I swear to God, it's the best.

I was trying, my kids got being like, oh, we don't want to do this. I was like, get over here now. And I was sitting there like, come on, man, don't make me, don't need me. And the kid drum circle. It was chill. Drum circles.

You were hitting some solos? No, no, no. I wasn't picking out. I was just trying to like just keep the rhythm. I'd give a little flare every now and again, but there was guys that were like genuine, like real percussion. Give a little flare, winking one of the kids. Be like, you like that shit?

Literally. My kid. Where's your little bitch-ass dad? Can't drum like this? Not a big deal. But not, T-pain. real master bro yeah he is he dude he put in like it's like a real production the whole thing there's dance he talks he jokes he he does he is funny yeah he's very funny he's very funny he's

he's a kind of and i say there's respectfully he's a fucking nerd he's a giant nerd in heart and i can tell did you do war pigs i was hoping he did he did fucking journey oh nice he talked for a while too he had some jokes in there yeah he humps dude he humps the air like crazy oh nice bro he fucking he daggers up there yeah and he has like it's like time perfectly where the music's like boom boom he's just air-humping as hard as he can he complains about being out of breath the whole time it's really funny yeah he was in a leather suit i saw that he must been fucking dying that was amazing we went there and then called that one killer song and then left killers lead out with their biggest hit which is wild really start with the closer

yeah that that got the place of fucking bumping but no those chairs man brittany kept trying to take one from me and i'm like don't touch them i was like i need equal weight just get off me all right I need it was like my one I need a job when I get that high I need like a task otherwise I fucking freak out

you just changed my life though I didn't know they had portable rocking chairs bro they it was that's like good shit right there it was funny everyone we're with nobody really brought chairs

so I was like just sit everyone was standing and everyone's like butt level just like oh you think so fucking good dude I didn't realize how good he was

That was literally all I did. This is like a genuine performance. Yeah, yeah. This is a real, he really thought this out. I like this. And then it finally broke. I remember I saw my phone, it was 6 p.m. I went, all right, um, this is, if this is any worse, I'm fucked, but I have two hours.

There's got a grin down. I got to bear down. I learned that Chicago's thing this weekend, bear down. Oh, nice. Yeah, I just learned that. That's pretty sick. But the, uh, you had to bear down big time in the rocking chair and it was, wow. Is that losing in the fourth?

Hmm? Baring down. No. They won. Shit. They're doing all right. Fuck. That was a good joke, though.

I heard that was good. No, it was good. They got the win. Yeah, that's a wonderful experience. It was, man. I was supposed to go. A couple guys I know, the bends, they were playing at 5.30 on Sunday. Oh, I must have just missed them.

Yeah, Saturday was a disaster. Yeah. We got in the car. We had to leave at 7.30 to get out there. 959 Nate Marshall says Let's have a beer Fellas

It's going to be a long one 959 hey? Perfect time It was perfect time It was that set us up for 14 hours of drinking Was there any hugers involved To keep the thing going? That was all the way back

That was a Sprinter man on the way home We were all going But I'm a little sleepy. The huge is. I mean, there's the only one way you can drink for 14 hours. Amphetamines. We hit the bucks, too.

The hugers. The Beezers. Dude, the Beezer article you sent me the favorite thing I've ever seen. It was great. Who is the Beezer? Who is the Bees? There's some like an AI article about Kyla. And they're like, is Kyla Fox married?

It's like, she's rumored to be dating a man named the Beezer. Whoever that is. Who is the Beezer? This mysterious man. Oh my God. But now the game, the game was fucking sick. I had a nice moment.

We were down on the field at the beginning, which was very sick, except it was 150 degrees. So it was like, man, we got to get into that, get into that sweet. Thank God we had a sweet because it was hot as fuck out there. Get in there. I'm pretty sure I see Baker Mayfield. Really? legendary Oklahoma quarterback. So I say, he must be him.

Didn't even think, oh, he's got a game tomorrow. What? He said, he had a game Sunday. Obviously, it's not him. So I walk over, I walk over this dude. And while I'm walking, I'm like, obviously that's not Baker. Maybe I can see him now. So I just walk over this group of people.

And I'm like, hey, how are you? Just want to say hi, we're in the suite together. Just want to have a good day. Huh? How about that? Just walked away. I'm like, man, that guy's nice. Do you ever have a thing where you think someone's saying hi to you because they recognize

you, but they're not? Yeah. That's happened to me before. It's very embarrassing where a guy will say something, I have headphones in. I'll be like, hey, how are you? And they're like, hey, what the fuck? And I'm like, oh, shit, my bad. Sorry about that.

Yeah. I thought you were my friend from the internet, but you're not. Sorry. My man. I contact with people walking on the street. And you're like, yep. Yeah, it's me. What are you?

What are you, dude? fucking retarded guy that walks around my neighborhood yeah dude it's me get over it no autographs what do you want a picture or something come here it's like an old Indian couple

yeah yeah get it in alright yeah that happens happen to be bad I like got like almost startled too because I was like had headphones in I heard someone say hello like right next to me and I was like hey how are you doing

the guy was like what the fuck and I was like oh shit the worst is when people come up and they act like you're actually friends yeah you know what i mean i kind of like it's like hey what's going on man how are you you like what's going on with you dude i haven't seen you in forever pure politeness i'm like dude how's everything going well i kind of i was in line i think this was like last year i was getting uh just at like an outdoor like brewery place and uh met someone in line and we had a long line and but the nice thing was we were able to talk like

we were all on the same page like he started asking me question we like just jumped into immediate conversation which was kind of nice yeah kind of killed the line time yeah but it's funny how much you can talk to a dude who listens to the podcast like yo how's this how's that how's this yeah i just assume it's somebody i met yeah i'm just like this guy probably does comedy or i probably met him she's like so how is everything what's going on man i've seen you it's so long yeah i'm so fucking sad yeah yeah yeah i'm all right say your parents are live good man lamare i've been worried about that what the parents stuff yeah dude so every time I go home, they're like older.

Oh, yeah. Come on. It's tough, man. If it hit exit velocity. Yeah. The speed is only increasing, dude. They're launching. It's got to be crazy too for like, because I feel like black people don't age as fast.

Once they start, it's like, dang. Yeah. Once they start, it's a race. That shit happens. It happens so fast. Phil's not helping himself. Yeah. He's, uh, hopefully they don't watch this.

They're trying to surprise me. They're going to Vegas this weekend. Oh, what the fuck is he doing going to Vegas? Partying down. I know. He's trying to surprise me. He still thinks I don't know. Oh, really?

But my manager blew it. She was like, and you want an extra room for Phil? I was like, sure. I don't think he's coming, but Phil needs to chill. Yeah, he's fucking Vegas? Yeah. I know how he gets down, too. That's 4 a.m. gambling.

Oh, no. I forgot he's got the bug. He's got the bug. He's got both bugs. He's got booze and gambling. He's got the best bugs, no offense to anybody struggling with it. Yeah, getting drunk. No, getting drunk and just gambling recklessly.

I know it ruins people's lives sometimes, but it is fun when you're locked in on the table and you're getting brazen. He doesn't gamble recklessly at all. Yeah, yeah, he's good. It could ruin your life or change your life. True. And he's good at drinking. Yeah. Like, he's got it down.

Like A&M, when we went to the Notre Dame Texas A&M game, he was the one that was, he was fine. Yeah. I was like, Dad, it's late. we have to go home he was like come on we have a beer shut up what would he have said about that nine a m twist off he'd have been right there okay he'd have been but he's able to somehow pace himself yeah he would have paced got you i've i can't pace i have a hard time pacing all day i'm like i just the problem with pacing all day is he's stuck getting sleepy yeah and you can either turn on the jets or call today true and you know me dude by if i do a if i do a if i do a long day drink

I lean on the weed real hard. Pressing the gnauss. I just get really, if I'm getting like... Say, does anyone have any gnaz? Just a little bit of gnaz. I do the opposite. I try to eat edibles.

If I'm getting drunk during the day, I end it with like, because I get real brave with the edibles when I'm drunk and then I just end up on absolute Pluto. And it's, you know... That's a good way to leave though. Yeah.

I can't be here anymore. Yeah, that's how you end up with a... I'll kind of like rock it out. When I'm that drunk it, it just becomes, I feel like I'm in a video game at that point. That's how I ended up kind of heckling a Boston cemetery tour. Just stand outside.

I'm like, yo, let us in. Fuck's fucking bullshit. You know, my cousin heckled the Paul or Veer tour in Boston. It was pretty fun. Yeah.

Like, we just got to stand outside. This is bullshit, guys. And everyone's like, what fuck are you guys? There, guys,

you're here for my podcast. Sorry about that. Yeah, you guys probably know me. Saw that last last boss. last year. I don't know if you guys recognized me.

You guys might recognize me. From Laughbawson. Yeah, I featured for soda here about four years ago. You guys probably remember that. Fucking killed. I missed the bus. Oh, yeah.

I missed the bus. You missed him. I knew somebody in the group wasn't going to make it. The odds on favorite did miss the bus. The 7.30 a.m. What bus did you have to take?

We took a sprinter van. to it from the game dude well because the night before he was just chasing it down with his lunchbox the night before I went to the creek

and I had a hoot you know that's a huge mistake 7.30 a.m. It was 2 o'clock in the morning and I was like I'm going to stay up and an hour later I was like I'm going to sleep

and then I had a bunch of no sleep. I was going to go no sleep have you ever done that? No, I was trying to make up the ultimate 72-hour buzz, you know? I was trying to figure it out. You know, you're missing crack cocaine. This is what you need.

You can't just not sleep. What are you talking? Never mind. Usually the idea for the all-nighter comes from the Nass. True. I wasn't on the Nass. You guys can make this drawbridge. The mayor's going to light his hair on fire on stage, dude.

The great. DeVriar. yeah you know he did that with like rum huh you know when he did that he was doing it with rum and like cotton because he didn't want butane in his crack wait he would dip like cotton in some really high proof rum and then he would like that and then he would like the crack pipe whoa and then he was like high and he was like what the hell he's like why am i even doing this and he started pouring the rum on himself he lit one more pipe and he went up in flames damn he like kind of self-immolated Yeah, yeah, dude.

Richard Pryor was crazy as fuck. Yeah, I think it was kind of an attempt. Whoa. Yeah. Dang. Yeah, I don't think you accidentally catch full body on fire. Michael, yeah. Oh, he got his full bod.

Yeah, he was like running down. Wasn't he sprinting down the street? Yeah. He was running down the street. Luckily that rum burns off fast. Yeah. I don't know about skinned though. I mean, it's hot, yeah.

What they do with a cool drink at a bar, it's like, you know, it doesn't have a staying power, but that still must have sucked. Yeah. that's the dumbest shit ever you're trying to burn yourself no well of course that but the drinks the fire drinks I can't stand them every time

yeah when I see it from afar they do look cool when I was in I was in Brazil so many videos of people just going flame throwing the guy next to dude when I was in Brazil they did a thing where they lit alcohol on fire and trapped the smoke and you could smoke the alcohol under the glass it was kind of sick did it work I don't really I was fucking shit face

I remember just being like What the fuck? So I'll have to try that again and report back I'd imagine it I think it tastes pretty bad Yeah Do you know what I just Speaking of fucking smoking You know what I came across recently?

What? Vapes for cigarettes Huh? You stick a cigarette in a vape And then you smoke the sig through a vape It's fucking crazy No I think you can just rip anything through there I mean you would probably know

Because I guess so you don't get like the nicotine juice So you'd like it really taste like a SIG. It's just burning at a lower temperature, so you're not getting all the impurities. So they do it with weed. They burn, they find out what temperature nicotine burns off. So that way you burn it off at just that temperature. So wouldn't you inhale all the impurities eventually if you finish the cigarette? I don't think so. Where would it all go? Because like if you, like they do it for weed. So like you like THC burns off at whatever it is like 250 degrees or 300 degrees. So the THC burns with the plant material doesn't burn and a lot of the impurities are in the

plant material itself not the nicotine so you burn off at the yeah I don't know whatever I got you shit was crazy I smoked I smoked on it yeah I tried to try it I was like I'm kind of curious but it's fucking weird just is it at ACL yeah so so I just somebody passed that gun

this is a healthy cigarette I hope you're enjoying your michelope ultra I didn't want anything I didn't want anything to do with it 45 watching tea pain just try it smoke one cigarette as a group Well, dude, I was like, I don't really want this. And they were like, just try it. And I was like, man, true, I should just try it.

And I took one drag of it. And I'm like, that is like a slightly less, you know, harsh cigarette. Still is a sick. It doesn't taste great at all. So, Sean, if you want to get healthy, the cigarette vape is sick. No, thank you. Now you get a ton of pussy vaping a cigarette. You know one of the cooler things you can do?

What if you made it gay as fuck? slide it out of your leather jacket have you seen them they're really big in europe in italy i saw a bunch from but they're like tiny little nubs and you put them in a machine and you like kind of hit it like i wonder if it's the same that's exactly what it was you slide the sig right in so those are like different sigs that because i tried to smoke one of those sigs without just like lighting it and it was really really really bad really yeah i don't know they were some brits they were some brits who put me on to it. It's like a Europe thing.

But maybe what do you gotta do? Like a slim or like a straight up vape sick? Oh, maybe you gotta roll your own. No, it's like special like a jewel pod almost, but they're like little, they look like cigarette butts. Gotcha. They have a little tobacco in them. I could have sworn this was a full cigarette, bro.

Could be. I could be wrong. I don't know. Yeah, maybe the technology has increased. That'd be, yeah. Innovation. So yeah, just look out for that. It's something to look forward to.

Yeah, if you don't look out for that, I'll be, you're going to, everyone's going to cross a vape cigarette. it's coming for you certainly you're gonna go i'm good try it you go oh fuck what the hell yeah try it out you yeah okay well that's great just go straight back to sigs yeah i should probably start smoking sigs yeah my brother tom's fighting the sig demon right now i smoke sigs gay that's my problem what do you mean my hand i don't know how to it's very like i'm not good at you smoking like an old barfly yeah i let me tell you something honey i just smoke a sig in the that movie i just did and the guy was like don't

Hold it like that. Hold it like this. It's a lot cool. Yeah. Yeah. This is you. You hold it like this. I go, this is how I do it. Yeah, like a fucking diplomat. You spoke cigarettes like a diplomat. You're mad making this. I think you were right about this is for Sigs. This is for joints. Only a try hard smokes a Smox. How do you smoke Sigs,

Gardini? Yeah, that's a real cigarette smoker. You're right. You should have told that director to shut the fuck up. He would have sent it back. I'll smoke a matter the fuck I want. Yeah. No, that's kind of how it was. nuts I'm crazy how are you motherfucker

shut the fuck out I'd be that would make me so nervous I'm already so nervous on any film thing if someone was screaming I'd be like I'm going home I'm not doing this

I can't deal with people screaming right now supposed to be a really cool scene you're not my dad it was very it was very hot out oh it was it was gonna be really I hope it comes out nice

yeah it was too hot so we were just standing outside how many times you have to film me and the cage man together yeah Yeah, it was pretty sick. That's huge.

But I was supposed to be smoking Sigs, and I was... Yeah, cooler. He's like, cooler. Do it again. Cooler this time. Cooler, cooler. And then you just keep having to smoke a new one because it was, you know, every take. Guys, I'll be at the Helium Comedy Club, Buffalo, New York.

Added a 4.30 p.m. Saturday show. Please come to that. Then Bricktown Comedy Club, Tulsa, Oklahoma, 1024, 1025. Off the Hook Comedy Club, Naples, Florida, 117, 118. Comedy on State, Madison, Wisconsin. I'll be there 1114 and Funny Bone Comedy Club, Syracuse, 1219, and it was that one, that one, that one was a good room. That's a shame.

Out of business, bro. October 17th and 18th, this weekend I'll be at Resorts World in Las Vegas, 17th and 18th, Las Vegas. November 7th, I'll be in San Francisco. November 8th, I'll be in Sacramento. What do you think of that, man? I'll be where the Kings play. I think.

oh december 4th and 5th i'll be in tucson arizona and phoenix arizona hello get in front of the camera you got to get you got to get directly i just got to make sure the wires are oh shoot jesus christ no shoot there you go come on man i'm coming i'm sorry this is big no one's gonna come if you don't get it right hello i'll be at in cincinnati on November 29th at the comet please come to that if you can and optimum noctus is next week and the first and third Tuesday

of every month at the creek in the cave so please come tickets here at shangardini.com last thing we need is his nerd don'ts you know it'll be close to the camera we get mug

please come all right thank you did um you watch for charlie Sheen Netflix thing? I haven't. I heard it's great.

Oh, it's really great. There's a part about Nicholas Cage where he goes to the front of a commercial plane and he's like, hey, everybody, this is your pilot speaking and we're all going to die. Nicholas Cage? Oh, he's apparently, he's a bigger party monster than Sheen himself. Cage is an animal. I didn't know he was such a beast party man. Yeah.

Yeah. I think. Like Sheen, I think from what I heard about the doc, sheen tips his hat to Cage. He's like, bro. He does. He's a motherfucker. Cage is that guy. They had the wean

Charlie Sheen off of cocaine Yeah, I heard how they did it It was pretty great Oh yeah They gave him the dealer kept Giving him less and less Yeah And he's like this shit's not as good

I think I don't even like this anymore What did he call himself He was a not a no an Adonis or something Doesn't he call himself He's like some sort of mythological He was like saying he was like One of the Knights Templar for the Catholic Church or something Charlie Sheen?

Yeah he was like smoking crack And being like I'm basically he wanted like the papal assassins pure he's like dragon blood he's like dragon blood adonis tiger blood tiger blood that's it yeah tiger blood winning wasn't that from a pitcher yeah he said he heard a pitcher he was on the phone with a pitcher and a pitcher was telling him you got tiger blood and nobody can stop you because we're winning yeah he did an interview like the next day and that was just replaying in his head yeah i mean whatever drug makes you think you're a night's templar

toss me some of that assemble the army that would be so funny dude saladine is marching on karak assemble the army my brother was telling me he uh he's he's been like getting into just researching the world religions

and he now he's now he's on Islam and he has he's like dude my wife is cool I had the Gita I had the Bible on my night's end as soon as I slapped down the Quran all I'm getting is questions she's like what is that what are you doing what are you doing? Yeah as a baby you gotta be a little sauce there

now hold on a second She shook bro yeah I'm telling my Carl's basically how to be a boss man Yeah for real it's not a boss up It's literally is frame Yeah it's like how to get frame I was like dude You should go full Muslim and just dominate your white Muslim

Yeah I was like dude you marry I was like obviously don't marry one of your cousins but get as close as you can for the sister wife that is such a boss move yeah to just like have a wife and then be like

yo check it out it's my other wife and she's my cousin yeah I'm not trying to be Islamophobic I'm not but that's a real thing

for all the like how to be a boss man type shit you'd think their countries would be doing a little better shame they just got peace I'm just saying for all the shit talk

I see them do you think they'd be doing a little better no they would they would probably appreciate you pulling them up as brothers and be like brother what the hell

you got you've totally conquered the babes you got to give them that you guys have conquered the babes but that's the problem when you're conquering the babes that hard it takes up so much of your energy yeah dude imagine that

being like you know how long it takes me to fucking put a tablecloth on my wife you have been a fucking four hour discussion yeah you wouldn't get anything else done that's your whole death that's your whole week that's 40 fights

more power too true not the most respect for a Muslim brothers for real but that's like dude it'd be you know she'd be like I don't know it's not form fit

I'm like Jesus put the fuck on man get the goddamn fucking fuck fuck you can be all right there's peace now we can make funum again

there's peace I thought the variety yeah the powerful Saudis. They love jokes. Powerful Saudis. They do love jokes. We also have to get off the Jews' ass now, too. What do you mean? No, they still get made fun for a while for what happened.

Maybe not all the, not the American Jews, but the Israeli ones. You don't just go, all right, peace, we're done. Everybody forget about that. Yeah. Then in 10 years, we'll be back. And, yeah, we'll see, man. I do think it is sick that America gets to celebrate that peace. Yeah, it's nice. It's like, you know, even though we sold a lot of those weapons.

peace we got it done baby peace they get the credit it is nice yeah to sell all the munitions and be like guys let's be nice to each other right yeah this is over I feel like America could just be just we should just slide in a pure diplomacy in arms obviously in arm selling

sell arms and do you know diplomatic stuff I'm trying to keep the American exceptionalism dream alive man a lot of people are doubting in the country and it's like knock it off I don't know not this country dude you don't want to doubt us Hell yeah, Lamar. You're a patriot again. I love this country.

I thought you were Whoopi Goldberg. I fucking love this country, dude. China got some cool stuff, but I fucking love this country. I'm not buying the China hype, dude. You're going to piss me off of that shit. Yeah. I don't know, man. They got a spray day.

They what? They got a spray that men's broken bones. Yeah, this is all made up. This is all made up. Fucking glue, Lamar. We had glue for a long time ago. Yeah, we had glue forever. This is all made up.

Jesus Christ. Every, you're getting all your China. I see the China facts. They're on Instagram. It's a meme. on Instagram and it goes, dude. It's a fox with slainty eyes, China Fax. China is, dude.

They're putting their servers at the bottom of the ocean to cool them. That's how smart they are. They're making gravity batteries. Yeah. Nothing's true. They're making gravity batteries? Yeah. So they can store all their energy and then just like move it to the batteries to a different thing.

Please. What does that mean? What do you? You saw one meme and you think you can explain it. That's insane. It was at least 10 minutes And it's just a building It's a big building

What do they do? Put them in like a 3 liter soda bottle And then like push them into water We already had that technology Lamar It's just out of a Grohuka It's a way to move batteries around

And like store energy In an efficient manner Put him in a fucking freezer Dude we already know this Keeps batteries long as hell My aunt and uncle did this I brought a pair back I brought a pair of double A's back that way

Myself Yeah I think you're right toss me yeah dude i'm telling you i'm not buying the china hype do they have the fucking minerals yeah whatever but we'll get them trust me we'll get our hands on those things my whole life that's what i've seen my country do the whole time i've been alive is be like guys they're doing some bad stuff over there and they'll go take their minerals it was crazy that china was like hey israel stop that you know like did you guys kill a bunch of muslims maybe yeah i think they i think they camped him up

Yeah, the Uyghurs, right? Yeah, so. Yeah, they had a Uyghur camp. Yeah. But if I have a child slaves making shoes, they're like, you're, you're, you guys are, to Israel, they're like, you guys have atrocious humanitarian, you know, like, oh, yeah, I can't remember backgrounds. Yeah, China was like, those kids should be working. Stop killing all those kids. Put them to fucking work.

China was probably so confused. We could have taken those fucking kids. God. Yeah, are those suicide nets a real thing in those factories? I think at Foxcon they were, the one that was, the place I was making the iPhones. But that's also videos I saw. Yeah. Yeah.

Suicide ads is crazy, bro. So crazy. That'd be nice. I feel like every job should have those. we put them on our bridges do we yeah that's kind of chill that'd be a thrill to just jump we put them on bridges and top golf

that's the only places you're not allowed to do it you cannot commit at top golf you know that's such a party fail committing a top golf trying to commit at top golf that'd be crazy after a bad shot your girlfriend just beat you

in the third straight game you can't even hit the ball it's just landing in the fucking point zone yeah that's fucking bull the guy hit it further than her Like I got it in the red blinking thing It's like this is life is meaningless It's time to leap from the third floor Of the top golf

Break your leg It'd be fine Caught in the net's worse than a death though Caught in the top golf net Oh God I'd just go kill me Just fucking kill me Because I'd have to get fished out

By like seven of the like teenage employees It would take so It'd be like How did the Egyptians build the beer thing Be a hundred people with ropes pulling me out of that thing yeah where uh you peeved yourself from white claws oh you're gonna run me over with the ball collecting machine dude just fucking chop me up into that thing that's a tough way to go hey man after you fall in the top golf net i i would fucking light myself on

fire yeah that'd be so fucking i feel like if you fall in the top golf net by some law of physics your ass has to come out of your ass is hanging your ass definitely comes out your cracks getting split by a rope for sure it's just cheek sticking out and there's a family underneath you god forbid it's a hot chick party coming ew look at that guy they probably set up where your tina's pokes through one of the holes in the dad just your tis through a little square just a timbrelick your asses out to your family it's full timbrelake j t got crossed with the tina's trap i was i was thinking about j t when i was watching t pain i was like because you see the videos of him with a hood up just like phoning in his concerts

that's because you got the I think got that the tini's fly trap dude after the tina fly trap you go I'm done with this fuck my whole production fuck whoever did this yeah my producers

fucked me up like that I would be I'd have the fucking rain jacket hood on just being like oh yeah that would piss me the fuck off

dude they set me up on a tina's fly trap I'd be fucking furious The heart, just, dude, just a, are you checking out of the Tina's flat trip? No, the net, the Gongay Bridge net would be a tough one. It'd be so scary. Yeah, dude.

Because they always say, like, the few people that have survived, they were like, as soon as I let go of the rails, I was like, oh, fuck. Oh, this is a huge mistake. Yeah, for sure. But then you're stuck in the net. You're like, give me out. I'm sorry, everybody. I want to live. I want to live.

He got a roll. You're going to roll under the bridge just looking at the roof. Like, holy shit. I can't believe I did that. How far down is the net? Does they give you a little taste of like the gravity battery? They should give you a least like a 20 foot drop so you can be like or maybe 10, 20 feet is a little. Just a bit.

Yeah. So again, just right before you experience free fall, you go hit a net. Yeah. Because they should get, it shouldn't be. I guess it's got to be far enough to where you don't see it. you see it yeah so what do you do people still successfully kill themselves on that bridge like by jumping

because that'd be tough to fucking leap on that 20 feet the net oh they give you oh I'm going right through that net oh it's not the same thing but I have a chemX coffee thing you know like the glass face looking things

no I had to buy non I had to buy non chemX coffee filter speaking of going through the net I bought a non chemX filter being like I don't need those fucking, dude, I poured my hot water through, bursted right through. I was fucking livid this morning. Pissed me right off.

Yeah. Kind of you just remind me of that. No, that would be me. I was like, when you said that, I'm like, it is possible. You think things can hold. Sometimes they fucking burst. But those nets are built for people who commit. And if you commit, you're probably about 120 pounds.

Yeah, true. Typically. Not a lot of big dogs. That's true. Not a lot of big dogs commit. No, bro. They have too many things. Yeah, true.

Dogs are grubbing. Interesting. You gotta be a skinny one to commit Yeah, I guess you're right It's a skinny sad boy Yeah, it's a skinny man's game That is And ladies

Yeah, ladies Rare that it's like Yeah, they don't really Usually Asians Yeah Asians are not afraid to commit Especially in San Francisco Oh really

There's a lot of Asians Yeah, they definitely are I've seen them Yeah You remember one of I don't know I don't know One of my friends got stuck in the ball pit

That would be a That's like a top golf net Jake the snake I know I didn't want to say He doesn't hold fucking joke about it yeah jake matera he fucking got stuck in the hall man yeah yeah that's yeah front of the fam that's rough dude that's rough i will say it's the

foam pit i'm not gonna slain her with the ball pit he got stuck in a foam pit which dude those things are a little tougher you think like i'm gonna do a fucking backflip into this thing on the trampoline it's like i always like i'd watch the x games and they do the uh like they're not the x games there's a skate park woodward yeah around us that you could do it a half plate we could go into a phone pit it's like i would do 10 backflips into that thing you see the phone pit you're Like, I'm just going to jump into it. Also, dudes miss the fuck out of that. Dude's miss that phone pit all the time.

Yeah, it's, like, kind of tough to get out of those things. Yeah. It's not the oasis you thought it would be. Yeah, I, dude, it's still a brutal fucking, like, having everybody come to help you. That's like a brutal one. Getting stuck, dude, I was in the ocean, like, a couple months ago. And I, like, just laid on my back and just kind of was like, I'm just going to float and chill.

And I got, like, it was pretty rough season. I got pulled out far enough to where I was, like, fuck some of these kids are gonna have to pull me in fucking trash I was swimming in I wasn't going anywhere and I was like dude one of these fucking hot tan kids

are gonna have to rip me into sure I'm gonna be humiliated and I just I swam like literally my life depended on it to get back because I was you know when you're like not going anywhere in the ocean yeah I hit that

then I had to like float and I let the water push me forward and you know thank God I'm kind of chill like that but but it crossed my mind I was like fuck I might have to get carted in

what would you say I said thanks fellas I put the hand up I would just go Come get me Yeah Come get me Come on

Help Hey You gotta yell loud too Oh yeah Over the waves That far away You gotta scream so loud We just give the classic

Yeah Put your head under Come up and go Yeah That would have fucking suck Dude It would really suck I was

I was on the edge I was like, this, if I don't get, if I don't make any traction, I don't get any traction towards, you know, where I can stand, I'm, I'm going to throw up the flare. That would have fucking sucked, dude. I'm trying to think about how fat people suicide. I mean, every day. I'm just trying to think about it, though.

Fat suicide? Yeah, it's slow. Yeah. I think it's just more leaving Las Vegas style with the Cheetos. Yeah. You know what I mean? I don't think they really, like, blow their heads off. I don't know

I could be wrong Yeah Can we suicide A thin man's game Yeah how many fat people Blow their fat heads off Every year Because like if you're fat

All you got to do is get skinny And then you're like Oh I'm not that sad anymore But if you're skinny No then you become a child molester Once you get skin That's having to Jared Yeah

You gotta watch it man Yeah it's like the bends Like when you come up When you're scuba diving You come up too fast You get like that Those crippling pains If you lose too much weight, too fast, you're like,

ew. I can't have those tasty treats anymore. I can finally catch one of those little guys. What is it? Guardian, what did you find? Was I right about thin suicides? It's hard to find, like, a good figure, but it says a lot of obese, well,

around 15% of obese children think about committing suicide, I guess, from being bullied stuff that's obviously dude but then it's more common in uh it's a 20% obese females report suicidal ideation and then 8% obese males so it's pretty low 80% no 8 8 oh stop at 80 oh yeah it's hard to find like dad i will say the uh the schizophrenic community can bulk and they're not afraid to you know yeah yeah they'll do it they'll go into The best. Skits of funny people are getting crushed by AI, dude.

Yeah. I can see that. Yeah. It's tough. Dude. Yeah. Those Sora videos came out of nowhere and they're fucking good. Yeah.

I've heard about that. Yeah. That's good. Although, you know, now we have all the deep fakes to be like, fucking deep, another deep fake clip of our podcast talking about tablecloths. Yeah. Fucking bullshit. Fucking sorrow bullshit.

yeah it is kind of nice we'll be in like complete fake reality so you don't know you won't know what's what yeah yeah we're kind of already there because there was like you know there was the trump alleged letter to geoffrey upstein the beautiful mystery and he's just like that's not real you're like fuck him that be fake he said him a new bio letter yeah draw i will say that's pretty tough to draw to write like a weird cryptic message in the shape of a woman's figure yeah dude taking out of context that is a sick letter to send to one of your boys if it wasn't about you know a child sex island for sure without a doubt without a doubt it is a boss move yeah if you get rid of the child sex trafficking get that out of a lot of what epstein was up to

was fly true that's pretty cool but then that the big one you know yeah i know and you can do that for a lot of historical fiction. True. Yeah, man. He just pigged. Picked. If he had, if he had, like, mature busty,

if he had a mature natural... If he had a mature natural island. Yeah, big St. James. Big St. James. Yeah. Having mature naturals? Just like those ladies at the strip club

where you look at and you go, all right, man, this is your last season. Yeah. There's always a no-ass, blonde-haired lady who's like, put on fucking white snake pussy and gets up there

and everyone's like, good God. It's called flakos. Yeah, God damn, you're still in the league? Holy shit, you're starting this week?

Yeah, an old stripper's called a flacko. A flacko. I'll tell you what, I still got it. He still got it. True. Yeah,

they get on. I mean, it's so hard because they're following like a 22-year-old Dominican lady just absolutely gracing the pole. Then you have a lady

bust out like fucking flying to the ceiling crawling on the ceiling and the god damn exorcist just an old bony white

haired lady with giant bangs you're kind of like where the where the fuck do you crawl out of

here I go get on my oh come and get it boys I'll wait I'll wait I swear to God

I've come on let's get a dance let's get a dance you know I'm like what are you fucking gay god damn

lady and you're mean you know who I've got my eye on the mean ugly one that's who I want to dance with now sometimes I've rode the dragon of the fucking flaco the strip club it's not all it's kind of a nice move you can still play yeah yeah they know all the tricks

an old dog the old dogs man they know the playbook yeah they know the playbook front and back yep they're aware of the Kelly blue book and they go look we're throwing some bells and whistles there's a secret compartment in here busted out at the KBB

fuck the KB It's bullshit Yeah I know It's dealing shit Propagall you know I did nothing but battle with the KB Some fucking old guy would come in and go Well Blue Buck says my car's worth this much

And I go dude the whole thing is bullshit It is Yeah You wonder how much the car I'm selling He's worth on KB You want to do that? Yep Or we can just disregard KB

Yep Up to you Yeah, I like Edmonds. I'm an Edmonds guy. Edmonds is great. I still check Edmonds just to see what's going on. Yeah, it's like that's a lot. Not even in the market.

I just want to see what's going on. That's a live market value. Looking at the trades. I love checking out the trades. Have you ever, like, just been chilling somewhere and picked up an auto trader and try to pretend you're like, give a fuck? I've done it before. I've like just scanned an auto trader, like getting my oil change just to impress the mechanics. I think I have at work, like when I was sunk cars to pretend I was remotely interested in this career.

I like the house magazines at the Wawa. Those are pretty cool. Like good house? You read mags at Wawa? The house ones. They have all the houses in it. Like, you've never seen that one? I kind of know what you're talking about.

Yeah, I love those. Like, ooh, I'm going to get this one. Yeah, it's like, look at this. Are you John? Oh, I hope Shane gets this one. Ooh, this has got a nice pool house. I thought you were talking. about like the home decor. You're talking about the ones

straight up for sale. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just like looking at them. The yards. That's nice. I need a, I need a yard. I got to get a yard. I got to get a. You got to this year. You got to clean up back there. There's still shit everywhere.

Maybe that's how we can solve the, uh, that whole like homeowner crisis. You know, if like people, they're saying like people, you know, if the millennial and whatever Gen Z won't own houses, we could like VR them in a fucking apartment. We could just like walk outside. and there's like a white picket fence. I was like, hey, neighbor, place looks great. You get you know, thanks, buddy. You can customize it to make them all mature naturals.

Every single neighbor is like, oh, my jugs are out again, aren't they? No, that's okay. Man, we could get a little mature natural island going. Yeah, man. No, everyone would be, ever be like, this is a major improvement. Peace in the Middle East, not a child sex island. Big daddy's island. Big daddies would be crazy, bro.

Big Korean natties Are we Greedy We were dying That would have gone too far That was a search That was a search I forget

One of my brothers Was all the big Korean nad Big Korean nats People might be As up in arms about that As little St. James Big green natties Yeah

The jealousy True We'd be guilletines They'd bring it back This is the French Revolution They have an island of Korean naturals That'd be tough That would be tough

And you could just test them like cocaine You would just touch a pinky And you'd touch it Oh yeah Oh yeah Oh yeah You swirl them and like You rub them in a liquid

It turns purple You're like oh yeah That's the stuff I'm gonna give it a killer soundtrack To this episode We're doing good You saw, you saw T. Paine, bro. The music's coursing through your veins.

I was in the drum circle, bro. I mean, this is a music town. This is. It's a live Austin. They heard the live music capital of the world. True. Yeah. Well, hell yeah, dude.

Yeah, good episode. God damn did it. See you on the Patreon. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's secret podcast on Spotify. Do it.