Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 590 Wildcat

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Go See Shawn Gardini Live if you want  @  https://www.shawngardini.com/live hello0o00o0o. wuts up everybody. Good morning. We have a hot cast for you. Hope you're all having a good holiday season! Christmas is right around the corner! Please enjoy. God Bless. Try ZipRecruiter FOR FREE at https://www.ziprecruiter.com/mssp This video is sponsored by BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com/MSSP Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/DRENCHED and use code DRENCHED and get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

The Wild Wild West. Oh, no. They don't even tell me I was, it was not on the Kingdom coaster. It offers gentle thrills with smooth turns, small hair time. I've been on there. I've been on there.

What are you talking about? Like the size of the cat. No, the, uh... The cat, I think, is, uh, let me say. Brother, just feast your eyes. I see it. The thing's fucking nasty as hell. Look at the size of the cat.

So you know what? You know what the beast does? The beast versus. the wildcat. The wildcat is fucking newer dude. It's the longest too. It's kind of it's kind of cap. Fuck the beast dude. The beast is longer

The wild cat. Her's your part. Yeah, the wild cat is like higher I think it has Invergence. Of course it is. It's huge. It's so scary. Dang dude. Bro. A classic figure eight design Which often focuses on the class. Okay, my Wildcat's just an out and back classic.

So the force is on the wildcat. cat or rougher you want to if you ride the beast you want to claim the largest wooden roller coaster in the world it's like you know what when was the beast constructed i don't know but my thing is it's not as a rough and tumble as the wildcat so the beast is like a longer ride which gives it the biggest quote unquote wooden roller coaster in the world but we're talking g forces here so damn it's probably built a long time ago it was fucking 1979 79 it's the biggest there's nothing i can say I was wrong. No, no. No, I was wrong. There's nothing I can do. Don't get down on Hershey, dude. Hershey is, it's still, Hershey has a scarier wooden roller coaster that's probably higher.

I'm telling you, I busted my fucking lip on the Wildcat. And this guy is going to wear an I survived Hershey shirts. You're going to steal Valley like that? How'd you bust your lip on the wild cat? The fucking thing comes to a screeching hole. I smacked my face. It was nothing to me, dude. Spet the rest of it. the day bloodied up what would you rather do if you're at a dorny park you go into the amusement park or wild water kingdom as a young man in water park as old man you're saying now and you're old man i'd like to not yeah because when you're a young man that's getting soaked at a park as a young man's game i didn't give a fuck i would walk around just drenched all day now i'd be so mad

you don't realize how i went to a water park recently you don't realize how fucked up you get on those slot. You get elbow burns nonstop. Dude, I got off and I was like, God, my fucking elbow ride. I was on with you in South Carolina. Never again, dude. Right at the first turn, I got flipped off the raft and just slowly landed in the pond. It's also like, it's a family's tiny dick. The water slide isn't, yeah, it's an absolute vacuum seal on your dick.

It's a vacuum. You get off that thing. You're like, you know, dude, the tinnis is fully fucking. Yeah. Jim Shores. My tinnis could be preserved indefinitely in that bathing suit. It was vacuum sealed. It was tight.

It's crazy, dude. I think we had also regular gym shorts on Yeah, that's not the move I had to wait in the pool until Matt could get us towels Yeah I was like dude I for real can't get out of this I remember So people were just coming down landing next to me

And I was like Matt came back with a hotel towel So it was like this big I just covered my tiniest Hopped into the lazy river Yeah, it's a teeness in the fucking Yeah I remember that we had We were the only people adults there without kids

So we were just like riding behind Like a guy would be like down the bottom waiting for his child. You see Shane fly down. He'd be like... Hit him with the title. Then with a big wave. So, dude.

Yeah. So the boy up there? I've avoided water parks since. I kind of... I went to one in indoor last summer and I... It was pretty nice. The lines though are just ridiculous, man. Yeah.

Especially when you're like, you know, you're there with your kids. You're like, you know, you got a bust and move. You go to my wife. I'm like, all right, hit the kids for second. I'm going to run the slide. 35 minute wait. I'm just looking down. seeing her tapping her foot i'm like she don't be fucking pissed about this told you i stopped a young

fat boy try to do the old like oh my friends are up there kind of thing and i would hit him with the you stop you go to the back brother you can wait i was like tell your friends you go back and wait with you and they actually he went and got his friends oh he was telling the truth shit no man fuck that you can't be doing that there's a lot of butters going on in those water parks bro and i like to shut it down yeah you know i don't have a lot of authority over anybody but I'm pretty sure I can take a little chubby 10-year-olds. I feel like water parks have become a minorities game. Oh, yeah.

Big time. They kind of always were. They scouted them hard in the 90s. I guess just where I'm from, they weren't around. I'm saying, I think they scouted them hard in the 90s because they were white. The whites definitely controlled the yard in the water park in the 90s. But then we did control the yard, dude. But that was because that was our generation of whites.

We used to control the yard. Tripped tea heavily. Saw some black heads. Not afraid to hit some slurs at the water park. You could yell anything back then. Water is our world, though. True. They got to come into the lazy river and fucking find out.

We all felt like Kevin Costner in the wave pool. He was like, I am fucking water world. When we were there, it was the hardworking river. Nate, did you get to some water parks with your shirt on? No, I was, I went topless. Really? Oh, Toppless?

Were you shredded as a kid? No, that wasn't a fat thing. That was just black people wore shirts. Socks? Sox. I would do socks. I would do socks or I would do water shoes.

You got to do water shoes. I would do water shoes to this day. Water shoes is so crazy. Water shoes is nuts. Walking around barefoot in there is crazy. No, it's not. No, not when you're a young man. When you're a young woman.

No, dude, from a young age, black people get a drill in their heads. They're bare feet and never touch the earth. They're not to touch the earth. They're never grounded. They've never grounded. Dude, sneakers on in the house. No bare feet.

They're never grounded. Sneakers on the house is a white person thing. No. Slippers in the house. Oh, yeah, true. Sneakers. It's some type of footwear. There's house shoes I've learned.

There's such things as their shoes for the house. I guess sneakers in the house is pure white trash. That's just white trash. Nothing bothers me more than going to someone's house and they're like, take your shoes off. We have slippers next to the door. I gotta wear fucking slippers now with these jeans. I look like a fucking moron. Or just don't provide any slippers.

Just let your... Because I just... It took me a while, but it is like, if you take your shoes off and you don't wear them. Like, I don't... We try not to put any shoes on our second floor. But every now and again, I already have my shoes on. I'm like, fuck my wallace upstairs. And I walk up and I'm just like thinking of all the piss I stepped in

in the fucking airport in the bathroom. I'm like, well, whatever. I used to do this every day for years. It'll be fine. Yeah. But yeah. No, that's good. Yeah, I said I like water parks, man.

Water parks rule. They're fucking sick, man. What you do? You got wet and wild? Yeah, at the Schlitterbond. I invited Nate, but he didn't want to come. The Aqua Sox were two-day prime shipping. They were going to get it.

Yeah, it was fun, though. Schlitterbond. Check it out. That's what you got? Thank you. No jokes? Nothing funny about it? Yeah, what the hell happened?

What did you do? Did anything good happen? Yeah, well, I did a lazy. river was pretty fun. Yeah. It was actually called the Torrent River because it was like a wave pool mixed with a lazy river. I like that's kind of nice.

It was really fun. I feel like they probably could have named it the Crazy River instead of the Torridor. Crazy River would have been good. I heard when you went down one of the speed slides, your penis went up your butt, you're going so fast and you liked it. Who told you that? Your girlfriend told us you popped in your own butt. He said you bide yourself on the speed slides.

off by on the slith. Well, that was I going to mention that. Isn't a 16-year-old boy had to pull you out of yourself? He was starting a lawnmower. He's struggling. Just ripping that thing out.

He'd have pushed down your nipples like the primer just to get you right. Is that true? Well. Did your penis fly into your butt while you were going down to slip inside it? You came in your own butt? Yeah.

And a 16-old boy, I'd pull it out. Primey nipples, is that true? Yeah, I wasn't going to mention it, but that did happen. Your girlfriend told us that. Your girlfriend told her that. Well, I'll have to talk to her about that.

You're going to have to have a talk with it. I'm going to have to have stern talk with it. You can't keep telling people about the time my penis was in my butt. When I came in my own body, when I came in my own body of the slip his life. Just hitting the water right as you cover your butt. It was fun, though. Check it out.

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our listeners get 10% off betterhelp.com slash MSSP that's better aglp.com slash MSSP the help with lebetta yeah anyway I stand by the wild kit after reviewing no dude I know you're being nice and you're being a good friend because you were right you were right about the beast I was wrong about the wildcat I just heard I didn't know that was

like at the tallest or something why the fucking why did they fucking tell me that dude it's the largest wooden roller coaster Also, no one knew any other It was like pre-internet So no one could just go This is the biggest fucking thing ever Yeah, no one could be like

Well, there's actually a big one in You know, wherever Ohio, they didn't even know But you know where the fuck Ohio was Why do you think this is a question I was thinking of recently Why do you think they made you Memorize the Capitals of the States

Was that like some sort of like military knowledge Was there some sort of practical benefit of that that comes from like the military Or was that just like it's a good thing to know Why? It's important dude I went to the capital and I Idaho this weekend. Boise?

Yeah. See? Bro, you can just walk right in. Really? I mean, I don't know if I should tell everyone, but yeah. You just walk right in. I mean, you can walk into most capitals, but you could walk into the governor's, we went to the governor's office.

What? Just walked in. What was up? What were they up? Just talk to the guy. He was signing a bill or some shit. What? He was pretty nice.

That is nice. He was a nice fellow. We got a picture together, and then I was like, I don't know. I wonder what his politics are. because I just, this is a nice endorsement photo. Also, I heard Idaho's. It's in a track suit going on. It's like, my bad, I didn't know I was going to meet the governor today.

Yeah, Idaho's just like a fool. I was in sweatpants. I mean, how could you have known? I had no idea. We were walking up the steps and these two dudes walked out and we're like, you can just walk in. I was like, all right. Dang. We'll do it.

I guess, yeah, well, Philly's not the capital, but you can just like walk in City Hall. Oh, no, no, you can actually. There's like a sign-in desk. You're right. Yeah, I don't know, man. I heard Idaho's kind of a wild state. It was a good state. I heard it's nice, but I heard if you go to, like, I think it's like Northern Idaho.

The whites, I think the whites are running the yard. They run the yard, yeah, for sure. In northern Idaho, I heard it's very. For sure. Yeah. Yeah, that's where all the craziest whites are. Yeah. Like that and like Washington and Oregon out there.

Yeah, but I also heard Idaho is like one of the, uh, it was like a sneaky kind of destination. Like people started buying places up out there. That's what the governor was telling me. Yeah. Oh, the Kardashians. He was saying we've, we've had half a million people every year. Uh-huh. It's too many people.

No, it's apparently Idaho. Idaho is a sneaky. I'm probably making it worse, but it's a sneakily beautiful. Yeah, I probably shouldn't have said you can just walk into the governor's office. I don't know how many fucking people listen to Idaho.

By the way, that's on him, man. He better fucking beef up his security. There was a woman. There was a secretary desk and she was like, come in.

Yeah. It's just a lady. He doesn't have an appointment. You go, get the fuck out of the way. Excuse me. I have to meet with the governor of Idaho. I'm taking a selfie with the governor right now.

Yeah. It was pretty sick. That's cool. I met a politician in Salt Lake City, a guy running for mayor. and he had I was at like it was like an outdoor it was like a farmer's market

and he was like yeah usually you know this park I was like it's a beautiful park and he was like it's usually like there's a lot of homeless people here and I'm like oh it's sick you don't see any here right now he's like well the police came and removed him I was like dude fuck you he was like no it's actually a travesty I'm running against that it's very mean the fact that they came

and I was like oh shit my bad brother I'm all for it every single time every single time that like we rounded them up and got him out I'm like good job I don't know where you put him in fucking Utah. Where are you going to take them?

Fucking the mountains. Maybe. I was just coming from... Let them Donner party out there. Just fucking grub on each other for a month. I was just coming from the point of like, yeah, this, if there were a bunch of homeless people milling around, this would have been a less elevated experience, obviously.

Yeah. Just kind of a... It's a fucking bummer. Bro, we went from Boise where the whites are definitely holding down the yard to then Portland, where the whites are still holding down the yard, but the nasty evil whites. True. They're rotten, crusty. whites, dude. It was Portland fucking

crazy. Portland's a good city. It is a great city. We had a different experience. We had a very nice experience. I tried to go back to that same bar and got fucking murdered. That bar was right next to the venue. It was nice. Yeah. There were no cool

motorcycle guys riding in circles. Yeah, they were having a good time last time we were there. But this time there was the bums. The bums have won, Lobowski. The bums won. I saw a colonoscopy bag on the ground filled with like shit saw uh

right next to a giant dead rat and then just I think the rat ate the shit and died yeah it was uh that sucks yeah they got to clean it up because it's such a beautiful city

yeah Portland fucking rules the thing and again it's like what do you do with a guy who just lays on the ground there's nothing you can do no except you got only it's like how do you get him pumped you know what I mean

Yeah, you put meth under like a box with a stick. All right, we got another one. Doesn't even trap, we just falls on them. We got them. At Medcan, we know that life's greatest moments are built on a foundation of good health, from the big milestones to the quiet winds. That's why our annual health assessment offers a physician-led, full-body checkup that provides a clear picture of your health today,

and may uncover early signs of conditions like heart disease and cancer. The healthier you means more moments to cherish. Take control of your well-being and book an assessment today. Medcan. Live well for life. Visit medcan.com slash moments to get started. Yeah, I don't know, man. You could do a thing where it's like, you know how they gave the Nazi soldiers meth? Something like that, but then like, you know, better programming, obviously.

You want them to invade somewhere. You know what? Blitzkrieg, fucking Vancouver. With job applications. Take Vancouver. It was true. Blitz Creek. We should just, yeah, that'd be a nice little undercover op.

Just like, meth them up and be like, yo, that's the Canadian border. I bet you can't get in there. I was thinking about just shipping them to my enemy's houses. Like somebody I don't like. Talking about like ordering one up and being like. Just going to downtown Austin. Get a megabus. Yeah.

That's cheap as fuck. You guys are headed to the town of one of my area. I'm just going to lower the property. value in whatever town my enemy lives in. And this is kind of what politicians were doing. They were really doing it, but I'm saying you can do that at a personal level. Oh, you could for sure. You can just get them on a bus. I'll give each of you

100 bucks. Yeah. There was a guy, I saw a video of a guy claiming that he would go around, pay homeless people $25 for their Social Security birth date and all this stuff, take out credit cards in their name. Oh my God. And cash advances. He would just get like tons of money from all these people. And then he would get a cell phone with that money and put it in that guy's name as well

and hand that guy the cell phone. And then somehow he would set it up to where he would do like a purchase, but it went back to that cell phone and the police would track it and arrest the homeless person. It's a win-win. It was kind of awesome. I know we're being rude to the homeless. We are.

But they've been rude to me. They have. They yell at me. They scream at me. They can be rude. But, you know, again, they do yell, they scream, they taunt. But, you know. In Portland, I heard so many screams.

Like just down the street you just hear the basically the guy that scared the queen I was the queen I would hear someone scream and I'd be rushed away James McCain would grab me and rushed me into a building that's the funniest video still to his day of a guy just screaming and ruining the whole thing I heard several of those San Francisco had the bums yeah they have the bombs still I mean uh I had we had to run from a bum For what? That was he chasing us? That was he chasing you for?

We went to look at the sea lines At the like wharf And there was just a big fucking bum He was a tall boy His landline Yeah he was He was a tall boy His pants were both ripped

Straight down So he was wearing like I don't know He looked like the scream guy His clothes were all like Loose But he was on He was screaming at the top of his lungs

He was like you motherfucker Fuck yeah And he was just We gotta get those homeless boys Some knee pads, bro Some face slide sliders, dude We gotta turn them to sliders Now this is

This is the type of forward thinking We could have the fucking sickest country on earth If we had a billion sliders in every city I would pay them bro They could make a good living If they just started sliding Someone's got to hook them up with VEMO too Because like nobody has cash anymore

I saw some bums with Vemos Yeah But it's like you got to slide for me poppy If I'm going to be given, if I'm going to be don't out catch. My words exactly. I said, don't know. I said, bro, you got a Venmo sign? You need to slide for me, Poppy.

Need to slide. Or glove. I would take gloving, too. If they were gloving, I'd be like, all right, it's fair. Yeah. I hate to admit it, but I think I might be more of a glover than a slider. That's fucking ridiculous. I'm sorry.

I know. Sliding's obviously way more mask and tough. Siding's so sick. You saw the pig guy slide. Dude, I know. I've seen it. sliding's fucking nasty as hell. I'm just saying deep down inside, I might be a Glover.

Sliding's sick, but imagine if we pitched out this house black, or total, you know, no lights. And I was fucking. Okay. I hear you. Think if somebody was sliding there. Sparks? Sparks at night? True.

Come on. All right. That's fair. It depends, though. I will say, if I was on psychedelics, the Glovers would fucking rock. Dude, a slider could take you to a dark place. If you're on mushrooms and some dude with, like, ghoul paint. But that, yeah, that's exactly both of our habits, you know.

True. I like alcohol. If I was drunk watching slides, I'd be like, yeah, fuck yeah, dude. If I was drunk watching the glove guy, be like, get the old fuck out here, fucking bullshit. Your fucking hands out of my face. But if you got, yeah, psychedelics in the sliders would really fucking ruin it. This guy's a fucking idiot.

This is crazy. Just the face pane alone. This is somebody's son. He's doing slide. He's sliding on the road in fucking Sacramento. He's a fucking idiot. But yeah, we continue to search for, you know, something for the homeless to do. And I think sliding is a good start.

Sliding is a very good start. That's definitely playing out. I haven't heard of any good options. Dude, imagine you go to apply for like a warehouse. Like right outside your interview, you suck. Slide into the interview? Slide. Or just do the sparks on your pants.

Or, again, they'll break out the gloves during the mid-interview. Do you have any special talent? Once ago, yeah. Hold on. Turn up. It's like you turn the lights off, please. You're hired. You're the CEO now.

I'm also down with raw gloving stuff. What are we talking about? What about a sliding glover? Would it slide into the meeting, hit the glove, slide out? Yeah, what is the ether war distinction all about? Why can't you be both, for real? True. That'd be so fucking tough.

That'd be so nasty. I swear to God, sliders are holding down the yard, though. They're definitely beating the fuck out of the Glover, guys. Sliders are nuts. I mean, definitely. How many sliders, how many undercover sliders do you think we're at Skankfest? How many undercover sliders? There had to be seven to eight sliders there.

I mean, dude, this next one's Skangfest X, right? We got a higher Sliders. Dude, that's ruined Skangfest. Let's hire Bums to get a Skangfest. Let's just how. Wherever they fucking book it. Let's ship a thousand bumps and sliders. With strict instructions to slide.

All they have to do is chase Lewis, Jay Gomez. We'll give them a picture of Lewis. Whatever you see this man, chase him. We'd have to, if they do it on like an island, I think X is going to be on an island. We might have to have to have an amphibious operation to get, we'd have to get them over there. We need a duckboat.

We need a duck boat. We need the eight. boats from Dita just lower the doors and let us slide out yeah damn that'd be so fucking funny I mean putting sliders in any situation is hilarious dude I'm surprised no one's a slit at skankfast yet it's common people are sliders we're gonna we should just at least hire some sliders as a gift to the skank fest true you know it's all sliders he doesn't know what sliders or glovers are Hey, welcome to the revolution.

Bro, you're going to sit around and say white people don't have culture? Sliders and glovers? Holy shit. Dude, for real. That'd be nice for Skangfest 10 to be like, dude, we got you guys. Skangfenfent. Yeah, for 10 for Skangfest X. If we just send and it's like, hey, hold an hour slot for us.

We're just doing a talent show. And just have sliders and glovers. I'm not kidding. I would absolutely do that. Skankfest 10, you and me, you'll have a live show. Yeah. Sliders versus Glovers. That'd be awesome.

We should just pre-record. Just pre-record and have us on the TV. Yeah, true. We don't have to go. Just zoom in. Welcome. Thank you, everybody. It's like if we died from them, we're like, you know, sending a message of the future.

That's, uh... You have made it here. Great. Excellent. Now an hour and a half of guys sliding. I didn't know everyone knew about the sliders They were hitting my algo And I was like

How did you keep that to yourself for so long? I told every single person I was sharing them Just me and one guy Just going back and forth sharing sliders I'm thinking hopefully your algro might have Charged mine And hit me with the fucking slider material

Because it's my I was on Glovers for a while Who do you like more Nate Do you like sliders or Glovers? The Glovers are weirder to me They freak me out actually Yeah, that's some type of, It's some type of,

hypnotism, magic. It was too much individual finger movement like together. I didn't like, those two choreographs. Sliders just come and slide. So I did some cool

maybe drag their hand across. Yeah. Hold on, but who do you... You got to show them the sparks. I saw the sparks. My question is, so if you're at like an all black barbecue,

who do you think it'll be tolerated better, a Glover or slider? Glover. I think it's slider. I think it's slider. I think it might be in his ass. I think it might be his ass. No, I think Slater.

Sliders are going to get like, Glovers is going to be like, get that shit out of here. But sliders is going to be like, oh, shit. Every time he slides. That's a good point. But no face paint, though, obviously. You couldn't wear the demonish, the demonic face paint. No, you couldn't.

And they like that. It depends on the time of the year. They love, like, the purge masks. I love purge masks. Rocker. Slide in a shiasty? I can't wait till we start sliding. Y'all don't want to see us slide.

You didn't bring that, did you? What? That shiasty. Oh, I didn't bring it after up a shaggy. I know. I forgot. my sheistee I should have worn it. I was right when he said it I was like damn that's probably holding that

trying to break that out I should have busted out he hit me with it when I'm not looking I should have put that thing on I got to get that my wife is threatening to throw it out I told her I was gonna throw away all her pocketbooks if you throws me my shistie I was like I'll throw all your dumb fucking purses out she knows I'm thugging she knows she's a bad boy I'm gonna post up it's gonna post up and trap She just finally got out of the trap.

She's living in the trap with me. You can't start trapping again, bro. Please. I know the streets are calling. That'd be so nice. I think about it now that I could literally probably buy like a thousand pounds of weed and just go dumb. It'd be so sick. Yeah, you could like really get arrested.

Oh, I know. I could go really crazy. I can get like a shipping. First of all, I can buy a shipping container and I could probably fill it. That'd be so tight. Could you zoom from prison? They have tablets in prison. I wonder if we could.

I probably could get some sort of like programs. bro that would be the podcast would go through the roof if you were in jail the only thing I thought about it I think you to think about all the time if I go to jail I'd be like they'll if I got out it'll still be sick it could be fine but yeah no they have tablets down in prison I just found that out I'd give you some verses from the phone remember they used to do that on rap albums I would call in from the jail I'd be hey what's up Shane yeah this is what I was thinking about yeah that'd be I think about trapping all the time dude to be so tight it'd be so because I could actually get like a fucking bad guy h

Q now. Yeah. It'd be so fucking sick. You get a layer. You have black guys and purge masks. Dude, I'm sliders. I could get a van and a layer. You could have a hushman. Henschman, that'd be sick as hell. And I could just just pulling into your own bad guy layer and like having guys just lower the fucking garage door. That's all I want. That's all I want. That's fair. That's something you should aspire to. Yeah. Bad guy layer. Just guys pulling up a door. Yep. I, I, boss. I remember there was like a, a, warehouse i knew someone that had like a warehouse set up and i was so jealous i would go in there and buy weed and i'd be like this is so fucking sick you have a warehouse had a gun in their warehouse it was anyone knocked up they'd just be like fuck who the fuck is that he's like damn that's so sick you should shoot that guy right fucking now that'd be awesome yes i'd like that if you got i might turn on you though i don't like that i don't like that stuff what do you mean i don't like you trapping dude i would

I would report you. That would be nice too. I'd start wearing a wire. You'd have to have me strip at gunpoint. You're at a cafe. You're at like an outdoor cafe with the FBI. Like he just brought in a thousand pounds of skittles. He's making skislers again.

Skisler. I did make gummies, but regular gummies. I made regular gummy bears. It was kind of nice. I made it for my kids. How were they received? they're there you know what man they're they're they're kind of nasty about it because i uh fuckers yeah well i didn't let them like dry enough so they were like these are yucky and i was just like the first batch

they liked in the second ones they're just said well i just can't do anything right i try so hard what else is going on fucking hell again at my coffee cup trying to kill me fuck it's probably the fucking sinoloa cartel true they heard about my skittles yeah don't trump's gonna blow up your boat. You can be in Lake Austin and get a drone strike on your drug boat. No, I was telling you this weekend, I, uh, who the hell's that? Someone just said, hello. Hold on, Nate. Let's take a look at who this is. Matt, it's an amazing time of year to be a sports fan. We've got the battle for the natty, elite hoops every night and cold weather football with playoff spots on the line. With all the picks to choose from, it's like a holiday spread every night on prize picks where it's always good

to be right. You and I make loads of decisions during the holidays. But on prize picks, being right can get you paid. There's so much sports action to unwrap during the holidays and on prize picks, whatever sports you're into, whoever you support, it always feels so good to be right. Now let's get into this. Who's looking good and who are you picking against? I am picking more on Sequin Barkley yards. I think he's really picked up his running game. I like that. Also, you know, I like what Kenny Gainwell is doing in Pittsburgh.

I wouldn't be surprised to hit a little more on Kenny. Kenny Gainwell, I like that. Yeah, that's what I would like to do. Personal story, a time where you were confident making a pick that fell apart. Never. Yeah. Okay, so that's our take. Now it's time to lock yours in yours.

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Yeah, salesman interrupted the fucking flow. It was door-to-door salesman. I saw him try to hit you with it. Hold on now. Oh, bro. These guys have been hit with the algorithm of like how to be a salesman. How to conquer objections. Yeah, the objection of just like, yo, get the fuck out of you.

Literally like, dude, beat it. coming over yeah coming out with the dude beat it stuff he wanted to I think remodel

your entire house I should have let him I'm renting true yeah yeah fucking tear down

every wall send me the yeah yeah that's fucking bullshit also like if you're doing door to her sales

there's got to be something in it for me in terms to listen to it you know what I mean like for the podcast at least we

do a podcast and then there's ads you should have to do like a solo like five minute solo cast true come up and be like

dude that shit's you hear about that fucking uh fucking uh... should have brought him in and been like all right give us your sales pitch

Joe Joe hit us with the pitch and it's been hold on yeah we could have done some Andy Elliott action

Andy Elliott I saw a clip of him yeah let me see let me see bro if you're not fucking ripped no way he I think someone

was talking shit on him in the comments and then he somehow found the guys where he worked oh no and called the guy and gave him

a chance to like overcome his objections and role play and the guy froze and he was just like that's what it's about man I fucking froze.

He blew shit. I see him call people and I'm like, I would have been that guy. They call and be like, I say, you have a 2007 Honda on the lot? I'd be like, yeah, I don't know. Yeah. I don't, do you want to come in and look at it? It's on the website. It's probably up there.

All right, see you. No, the guy started going like, I can't hear you. He's like, you can hear me. I know you can hear me. Don't do that. I was also, I was like, that's a good move. I'd have done that, too. I only had one guy hit me with that and it was a Chinese man.

Really? Yeah, he came in He wanted to know every single thing about the Honda Odyssey I didn't know one thing about it He's like take the middle seats out I want to see how it looks without seats And I was like fuck all right Couldn't I didn't know how

Yeah, I couldn't get the ones I couldn't move any of the seats I was like this I don't know how to do it You should be like bro this gonna be your car I want to see you get familiar with this You go ahead Now see Matt that would make you an expert sales I just bent over

It was like Jesus Christ fucking shit I'm sorry I can't do it How did he take that? He was very mad and he left What? He didn't like my

He didn't like me Just that you couldn't take the seats out? Yeah he wanted an honorable Yeah He wanted somebody who cared Yeah That makes sense I actually got in trouble for that

For not being able to take the seat here Yeah because my manager came over It was like what's going on He was like your salesman doesn't know How to do anything Like he can't He doesn't know anything about this car Jeez

I was like He's right No he got me I don't know The manager train you on how to take the doors out? Yeah, he was like sit down and read the fucking pamphlet about the Honda Odyssey. I just... Oh, fuck that.

Sat at my desk and probably got on a video game on my computer. Got on Sporkel. Did like top five Heismans from each year. Sat down. Yeah, reading the manual, it's crazy. No shot. That's absolutely insane. My dad tries to hold it down.

You need that. Most mechanics just read that manual and figure out everything you know. I'm like, bro, get the fuck out of here. He, dude, he claims he checks his oil every time. He fills up his gas. I'm like, dude, You're the biggest liar. You got to check your, every time you get a gas, check your oil.

And I'm like, you don't check your, there's a gauge. That's what I'm saying. I can look at it. That's what I'm saying. Guy holds it down. He's like, dude, that oil runs out. Your whole car. I was, like, terrified for everything.

In my car, he's going to stop working one day. Oh, yeah. Goddog got a little oil on his dipstick at the water pump. His old dipstick went right in the gas tank. Dude, it was crazy because I heard it after his dick went up his butt. He turned on his belly and went down backwards. Which when he hit. the water jammed it up for a no is that true it was a deep pie the deep self pie yeah that's true

unfortunately it was a canoli in your wop butt a little wop canoli you nasty yeah i'm sorry it happened for real man I'm really it's got to be tough yeah but it's you know I'm all right now how many penile injuries are at the water park every year there's got to be a good amount a lot dude yeah there's got to be a lot of guys at least get thunder clapped on their balls he was like oh yeah

dude I got what was called a thunder clap headache for the first time of my life I was lifting weights and all and just boom I had a massive headache

out of nowhere it was scary I looked up I was kind of pumped and I saw it was called literally a thunder clap headache I was like yeah it's yeah

oh my god that's fucking sick it's like a Norse yeah some type of Viking headache literally that's kind of what happened yeah it was a

it fucking sucked man it came out of nowhere I think I was just holding my breath too long and I was just yeah if you hold your breath my face is bright red and I just got like a out of nowhere crazy headache then I went away but yeah that's what happens with like fucking you know if you get like brain bleeding you pop one these things you get a massive headache and then sad it is it is sad it is sad scary dude dude I was scary and sad so I think I saw my grandma died yeah just deadlifting probably probably dude

Getting closer, bro. I'm getting closer to a thousand pound club. I'm at 8.25. I'm going to get there so quickly. I'm going to get there. 175 pounds left. The allegations are not going anywhere. I'm, dude, I'm down bringing Derek for more place more days.

You juice, bro. I'll test. I'll test whenever. We talk about it. Me and the guys. Talk about how juice I am. Yeah, we got to do. We got to do something.

He's outbursts of anger. Fucking crazy. Matt called me the other day. He was like, what's up, you fucking pussy? fucking piece of shit I'm tired of carrying this whole fucking thing fuck you he's like what the fuck Matt

this isn't like you ever since you went to Ways to Wells you've been a real fucking jerk nah natty I'm all natty and I'm chill too I'm natty and I got the chill to prove it no and then your wife called me it was like Shane I'm scared

I actually believe that I was like just hanging there a few more. He's going to be all right soon. I'm going to talk to him. I'm going to get him off the juice. I could believe that. I came to his house to get him off the juice. He was shirtless in the garage.

I was like, oh, it was dark in there too. He's like, what are you doing here? He was gloving. He was gloving. He was like, get the fuck out of here, pussy. I'm gloving going out of your fucking. Wow, wow. Flyer friends.

Now, that's not a word we would use, but. I was on the juice. But he was juiced up. That was, we're making fun of him. You don't have to fucking time say it, but fuck it. Yeah. I do want to get some mass bells. Do you ever see those things?

They're like kettlebells, mix with dumbbells, but you reach your hand inside of a steel ball, and it's just like, but you can hold it from the inside. It's fucking sick. You feel like Mega Man when it's on your hand. I saw those things the other day. I want them. Yeah.

That's all I've been doing for that. Pretty chill. Yeah, I'm trying to think what else is going on? Are you excited for Christmas? What are you going to do for the holidays? My house, we're saying right in my house. Yeah, my wife's been trying to subvert my children into doing like a Christmas trip in Whistler Canada.

I keep trying to shut it down. She's like, it'd be nice. It'd be snowy. I'm like, you know, suck ass. It's gonna fucking blow. It would be cool. It would be cool. My problem is gifts.

It's like, dude, you have to, kids. Bring the gifts. You can be like, you want to go somewhere at snows? And I'm like, yeah, but they just think a bunch of gifts are going to appear in Canada. I'm like, I'm not fucking shipping that and shipping it back. It's like, no fucking shot, buddy. I'm going to have a bleak Christmas. I got to go.

I'm going to go to my parents and be. That'll be sick. A single man in my parents' basement for a few days. Mm, true. Ooh. Thanksgiving was tough. I was just down there jacking off. Yeah.

I'm gonna do it again. I'm going to for Christmas. I'm gonna get drunk and go to my parents' basement and jack off. That would be, that's... Bleak. Not bad, not bad. I hear you. There's some peace and quiet.

There's peace and quiet, but I do hear what you're saying. I remember... It's bleak. I remember all my friends had kids and I would just go hang out. I didn't have kids. I remember I felt weird. I would go to places and I'd be like, man, I wish I wasn't here.

Yeah, I'm not going to my friends. house. You feel weird. I'm going to go, guys, ditch your family. Come to the bar. True. Come to the bar.

Come fat. And then I'm going to jack off in my parents' basement. Jane. What are you doing down there? No, my mom. I'm watching YouTube videos. Okay.

Just get to bed. Mom, it's fucking 11 o'clock. I'm not even tired. You think I go to sleep at 11? Yeah, right. Mom, I'm old as fuck. Yeah, that'll be dark. What do you think, like, because you don't have a curfew, obviously.

You can come and go as you please your parents' house. Where do you think that ends in terms of, like, your freedom in that house? Where do you think they would stop you and go, all right, Shane, that's... If I was, if they, if it was like 3 or 4 a.m. Yeah. And I was still in the kitchen, like, drinking by myself, they would be really sad. They would just be like, we need to talk. What if you pulled a sober all-nighter?

I think they would support it. If you just did a sober all-night or just stayed up all-night playing video game. They would believe, they would think they were narcotics. I could do that. What? That might be a fun little Christmas. Just get a fucking eight ball and... Dude?

No alcohol, just Coke for the entire... Just a Coke pinch for Christmas at my parents' house. You should get like a $10,000 suit and just do cocaine the entire time you're at your parents' house. I should go. Just full McGreggett. In front of Christmas Street He's got to stand your base Just draped in finery too

Yeah Just pocket watch That'd be so fucking funny You just Especially if you only did a gentlemanly Just like a gentlemanly amount Yeah and you could do like Coke Like when they did in like the 1800s

That's what I'm saying Like just fully right in front of everyone Just like That's like That's self-called that's the move that's the move and just hit all the rounds go see all your friends kids and the show up and be like what's up blasted on coke going to everyone's house business ideas out the wazoo massive gifts yeah i got you a car

figured you guys could use a honda odyssey i don't know how to dick the seat's out but it's all yours let me guys show you how this thing works shit i forgot that's actually good that'd be yeah that'd be Nice. No alcohol, just coke. Mm-hmm. All-nighter for three straight days. Just $40,000 of chains. It would be so tight. Oh, shit, I forgot to get you guys stuff here.

Yeah. Take that. Just go to people's houses and talk about, like, the terms of their mortgage. But you guys refile on this? What was interesting when you want to see? Yep. I ran into some party monsters, dude, at the show in Missouri. Violin Bob Ross, dude.

His party monster. And his bros. Yeah. They were having a good time. and yeah I that was the stickiest situation ever because it was like I was learning in real time and he was a UFC guy and then I was you know the classic thing obviously you're gonna go fucking beat your ass yeah right and after a couple of those I was like telling jokes while I would look with the side of my eye like is this guy gonna fucking tackle me and beat my ass because it came became increasingly clear like oh I think this guy's kind of legit and uh and then like during the show it got you know he was he was just having too much fun kept just just you know, blurting stuff out in support of me, which is a tough one when you're like, dude, I know you're on my side, but just please, please chill.

Yeah. And at one point, I kind of brat it out. And I'm like, man, security's tight as hell in here, man. Jesus Christ, good thing. You guys are all over the case. And finally, a security after like this fucking seventh time, a security guard comes up. And I'm looking at this guy and I'm going, dude.

Yeah, he was probably doing the same thing you were. What? The guy kept yelling. He was probably in the back. Like, please, please, please, please, please. Please. Fuck, no, dude. I think he was.

Dude, the guy's name's violent Bob Ross. It's a sick name. It is. And the guy comes to, like, start the negotiations. And I just went, ah, give him one more chance. Yeah, don't worry about it, bro. I went like, we're not at the mothership, dude. I was like, I don't, we're just in the middle of Missouri.

This guy's gonna beat the fuck out of him. He could have. I was like, this guy could have fucking killed. He could have killed me and him. And I was just like, you know what, man, give him one more shot. You know, let's, uh, there's like, we can't get you out of here. This is just your show now. And then, uh, but he did, he chilled.

And then towards the end, every started just like chirping a little. I'm like, bro, you have, we have 10 minutes. It was funny, too, because I was generally worried the security was going to come back and try to kick him out, which, you know. You can't kick him out. You literally can't remove the guy. So it was just funny. I remember it really felt like I was like when my kids wake up early and I'm like, do, dude, come on. I know where I'm on.

Just come on, dude. I don't want to see a horrible melee breakout. But yeah, so we chatted after the show. He was the man. He was good, bro. He was just too excited. He was fired up. Do you think it'd be wiser for me to go cocaine for Christmas or do you think I should go to, uh,

LSD LSD would be chill Just take acid for three days At my parents Yeah that would be super chill The kids come over I'm just Yeah that would be nice

You can just munch I have a little dropper You can just do like Half a hit in the morning You know me You know that one didn't hit Those did True

I mean even just once On Christmas day Go to Mass A little midnight mask and stay up all night. Just watch slider videos. Dad, come down. You got to see this. What the hell is this?

God damn it. Please show Phil Sliders. He's going to be mad. He's going to be genuinely mad about it. My mom will be like, well, that's nice. Is this, are these your friends? Yes. Oh, my God.

That's Nate. That's Nate Marshall. Tell your mom what happened to Sean at the water park, too. I will. It was in the paper. My mom saw it. It was in the paper. His penis went up his butt and he flipped around on his stomach and smacked his ass on the water.

Oh, man. Yeah, I didn't even think about how bleak that's going to be. Fuck, I'm kind of bummed out. It'll be all right. I'll be right. Yeah, you're going to rent a car? You can go. to like a parking line like peel out

so you should just peel out in the parking true the local police apart will probably let you do it they would they pulled up like guys I hear a lot of my mind I just turned 38 I'm living in my parents' house I should probably have a family by now I should be sliding right now

you're the fucking down syndrome guy right yeah that's me the drunk guy I'll excuse me, I've rented this Mustang for a reason And just to just be like Yeah, you'll never get me That'd be so excited You fucking poxies could never catch me

Slide to the whip They might be afraid if you hit the slide to the I'm gonna do a slide then suicide by cop Slide to the gun Slide straight to the gun All right This episode is brought to you by ZipRecruiter. Matt, I need you to riff for me, Daddy.

What do you like to watch around the holiday? Oh, you know what I'm watching right now? Elf. That's great. Elf is, I swear to God, it might be the best Christmas movie ever. I've been laughing out loud the entire time. Matt, it just holds up. But you got to keep in mind, whatever film you watch,

it took a team of remarkably talented individuals to create. Holy crap. Writers. Yeah, no, I never thought about it either. Writers, actors, editors, set designers. When you need your own team to create something wonderful, use ZipRecruiter. Try it free at ZipRecruiter.com slash MSSP.

I'm going to bring it up to my wife tonight. We're watching Elf. I'm going to go, you know, it took a team of people to make this. Team of Extraordinarily Town. Probably turn her on. Yeah. See what we're seeing right now? That went through a camera. That'll blow her mind. She'll love that stuff. I'm rated the number one hiring site based on G2.

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Awesome. Hey guys, please come out this weekend. I will be in Syracuse, New York. Very big show. I'll be at the Funny Bone Comedy Club, Syracuse, New York. And then January 16th and the 17th, I will be in Houston, Texas. And on the 17th, I'll be at the Majestic Theater in Dallas, Texas. Also going to be Hartford, Connecticut, Albany, New York, Las Vegas, and a bunch of other cities.

Go to Matt McCusker.com for tickets. Thank you. I just added shows today. April 4th, Chicago, April 17th, Nashville, April 18th, Charlotte, May 9th, Boston Garden. And those are on sale right now with pre-sell code SG Live. Also, the link, please come to the link. Buy tickets now. That's not until July, but get those tickets now.

That thing's going to sell out. And we're going to have cool stuff. We're going to have sliders. I swear to God I'll get sliders. I'll please do. It's going to be more of an event than a couple of. comedy show. There's going to be cool stuff. It's going to be awesome. If I can get a flyover. Have a commercial pilot reroute and just fucking...

True. That'd be tight. Worst comes the worst. Worst comes the worst. We've got a national tragedy on our hands. Oh, I get money. You going to get yours, God, dog? Yeah. You got to get yours before I get mine. Hello, everybody. I'll be at the Atlanta Helium on January 22nd and 24th. No, show your shirt. Oh, yeah, I forgot. I'll be at the Atlanta helium on January 22nd and 24th.

Now I'll be with my friend. Aiden McCluskey, there'll be good shows. Oh, we hit the slide. Yo. Please, shogartee.com, Atlanta, Helium, Alpharetta, January 22, 24, please. Thank you. Thank you. Damn.

Thank you guys. Did you ever have a money clip before? No, I think people have tried to give me them, and I just can't. I had one. I loved it. Well, that was probably when you were trapping. It was like a teenager. Oh, really?

I just have a money clip. It said Fat Matt was engraved in it, and I would keep like 80 bucks in it. I thought it was the coolest shit in the world. That is sick. My fat Matt money clip. He was chubby and his brother's hidden with the Fat Matt. And he owned it, dude. Made it a screen name.

I know about it. Fat Matt. He's called me Thunder for Thunder thighs. Thunder killed me. Thunder's thunders. Thunder. I would, well, I still have the. fucking I got thick thighs

some company sent me jeans man and I put them on I was just like child like I can't wear these I look insane dude I look like Conan that is my goal to get my thighs I want to completely max them out yeah I got to lean into it

if I have I was like dude when I was a kid I was like for real very insecure about my big fat thighs I would walk all my fat thighs on dude sucks it was crazy dude I had Flynn O'Hara pants and they all they weren't like none of them they're all one size So if you had jacked fucking quads off it And they were fat too

Yeah we rocked Flindon O'airs Yeah I would walk down the hallway And I was constantly, I remember You know, grade school being like I just never felt comfortable I was sweating through those fucking things I did it was crazy

I had just anxious armpit sweat And it was fucking crazy Yeah we didn't have air conditioning In my grade school No we didn't have it in high school Yeah We had no AC everyone was dying Dude you had to wear a sweater vest

And a fucking button down Or a full sweater I think we had AC in high school I'm pretty sure we had AC in high school I'd have been bitching if not No we didn't And they would just open the windows And turn the lights off

Yeah that was gonna do a class Everyone just fall asleep Yeah that was the best In Catholic grade school Is the end of the year When they put all the desks At the side of the wall And you have to like

Just make up snow days And you just sit on the ground And play seven up dude It's the best Yeah that's true That is very nice That was my favorite It was nothing better

Worse for the first for the first week of school when you went back in you just smelled the smell of school and you're like fuck me man Chloe's just realizing I didn't mind that huh now you're bringing it up that used to fire me you love beginning of the school year it was great I hated it I was fucking furious I would go in there

and go fuck this yeah you're with all boys though no well high school I had fun in high school was grade school yeah great school I would go in I just hated it I was like fuck this yeah I guess as a kid I probably wasn't too excited because summer fucking rock summer rocked man and I had to go back to summer rocked you're going to the biggest wooden roller coaster in the world.

Going on the Wildcat all summer. I remember though I did get excited my cousin came to school in second grade and I remember we just sitting in the fucking like gymnasium just like this in line waiting to go in and my cousin walked in and I was just like oh fuck if you're second grade I didn't know he was coming

I was just like one day I was like dude my cousins in school that was tight that's nice that was fucking sick but other than that I used to fucking I hated school my daughter Chloe is just realizing now that like she has to go to school for sucks. Yeah, she hates it. It did feel like forever. You're like, I'll be in school the rest of my life. Yeah. I mean, it kind of is. I mean, I remember graduating college and being like, I can't

believe I'm finally done. I fucking hated school every day. And she like, every day begged. She's like, wakes up and she goes, where am I going? I go, going to school today. She goes, oh. I'm like, dude, it's never going to get used to it. It's never going to end. You're a girl, too. You're going to be in school until you're 30. Oh, yeah. You're going to get 15 degrees. Yeah, true. You're going to get everything. You're going to be a doctor. You're going to a PhD. And then you're going to get pregnant. Yeah.

And that's it. Yeah, girls love school. Girls love a gold school, man. They crush it. They're good at school. True. They do love good handwriting. Yeah, I'm getting like a first, like a firsthand account of Girl World.

Right now. You might be pregnant. You might be butt pregnant. Yo, I think he's a butt son? I think you have a butt son right now. Or twins. Do you think you're butt's pregnant? You know, it might be, yeah.

I don't know. I hope not. I don't know if I'm ready for that. I don't think you're ready for the responsibility of butt kids. Because you have to deliver, too. You're going to deliver on all fours. You're going to be like a... They put your face down on a table.

They're just going to come flying out of your butt. I got to take a test or something. They've got to poop on a strip or whatever. Yeah. You better poop on a strip. What else is going on? What else do we got? Just that, just fucking VBR.

Just Cardini, getting his butt pregnant. He got the butt pregnant. I got the link with VBR. He was the man at the show. It was really fun. Missouri's rough, though, dude. Missouri's a rough state. Crazy, man.

I didn't realize how goddamn rough that place was. I kept a lot. I was talking about the white ladies down there. They're just like, I guess. But that's Missouri States right there, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Missouri states right there. Missouri is up near Chicago. Missouri also so close to Texas. Yeah. Dude, it would have been a six-hour drive.

I could have drove there. No. I swear to God, dude. No chance. I want to Springfield, Missouri from Austin. Six hours. Maybe from Dallas. Maybe from Dallas.

Even then. Look it up. I'm telling you. I'm telling you that. Dallas, I'm certain. I mean, if you looked it up, I believe you. I was shocked. I was like, wait, this is six hours away from motherfucking Dallas?

It's 15 hours. It's 10 from Austin. Yeah, six from Dallas. yeah yeah Dallas is closer sorry bitch I'm not wait how far is Dallas from here

three oh okay about three yeah three and a half yeah all right I got a little I'm gonna do a little

Texas road dog trip me and Gardini we're gonna go you send Dallas back nice that be tight I'm excited to hit the road what kind of playlist

you want me to play for you something chill whatever you got I'm down for what are you gonna hit him It was a fucking audio book Very aggressive, I can get an audiobook Or very, very aggressive, like

dystopian tech now We were doing Skepta Whenever wherever we last year That was nice I was skeptical That's dude That might be the best music ever I like Skeptea

Just like British rap British It is good Oh it's dude Did you ever see the Top Boy show? No It's really good It's nothing but yeah

It's so good It's like British It's like British belly I think Drake brought us that I believe so Drake? I think Drake helped with that a lot I think he did

Get some music. When it came back, the OG one, I think, was just like the guy, the rappers from the show put out, like they did their own Rockefeller. Like, here's our money. Here's our show thing. That boy, like Croties and Mandem? Or is it like the Toronto people? No, it's British. But I guess they probably have a lot of the same slang.

It's kind of a Caribbean influenced. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. It's important. Yeah. It's important to hold space. We need a whole space.

You know, I did all weekend. I watched interviews in the green. green room the uh actor actor with actor whatever it's called it's i think it's actor on actor with uh just every actor they do like just like two actors talk to each other oh okay i'm trying to get i'm trying to learn how to do that kind of talk you're talking inside the actor studio it's not inside the actor studio there's another one i think uh fuck i forget what magazine does it or whatever i've seen a couple of those actor and actor so one with robert patinson and jennifer lorence did you yeah i don't know how new they are i saw the rock and uh

Brendan Fraser. That's good stuff. It's really good stuff. I also like the way actors talk to each other. They're very much like it was made, they'll just use words. It's not like epic, but it's always very much like. Yeah. It's just the funniest way.

I don't know. I've never seen anyone else talk like that to each other. Like, I mean, it just might, it might be the most iconic. I would say it's the most iconic charge, a very charged scene. Thank you, yes. Thank you for saying. God. But it's every, I watched a bunch of different ones and it's just nothing but that.

No, exactly. I can't replicate it. I was trying to learn how to replicate it, but I keep forgetting. I did learn the word reportage. Reportage is a word, apparently, about, like, reporting, I think. So I watched the media roundtable with Schultz. Oh, how was that? I saw a clip. It was funny.

It was funny. The clip was funny that I saw. You watched the whole thing, and it's just, the whole thing was like, you know, why don't people trust the media? And then it was just watching these kind of media people try to gaslight everyone and be like, we are good reporters and you should trust us. And you're like, all right. I did hear the word reportage.

I heard the word reportage. Ben Shapiro hit something like, I've seen a lot of good reportage. I was like, bro, that's the craziest word. Yeah. I think it's just reporting. But you can say reportage. But that was crazy.

It was like very much like... The coverage on Gardini's pie, there was good reportage. The reportage was nice. It was in the Herald. It was in the Austin Herald. I caught one of it over. my morning coffee, I went,

he's, he's gonna have butt babies. Dude, there was, there was one line from that round table that cracked me up, but they were like talking about like how getting news through our phone and being addicted to our phones and blah, blah, blah, at one point someone was like, maybe things going viral is making us sick.

I was like, fuck, man, it sucks. That fucking blows, dude. It was, it was a big, I was just jumping across from like Smarty pants, YouTube. I forget which one. They need a belly slap. It was just a big belly slap.

A hard belly slap for that. It was just intellectual YouTube and it was making me laugh so hard just watching people. Because eventually it's like some of that stuff sounds good, but then like you lose the thread after a while. Then all of a sudden like nobody knows what anyone's talking about. Yeah. Like, hold, let's let's try to reel that in so we can really get granular and it's just, it's really funny. And I don't think they really resolved much at all. That was the one thing that they never fucking do.

No, but they watch all. I listen to it. The thing that kills me is like the Kimmel thing is like, well, you know, we're living in a fascist dictatorship that was taking Kimmel's job away for free speech. We're like, yeah, obviously don't take Kimmel's job away. But if just one of those like New York Times journalists can be like, well, that kind of does remind us when we were being gigantic cock suckers for seven fucking years. Yeah.

Taking jobs from people because of things they said. You never hear them once. Yeah. Be like, yeah, we were kind of on that bullshit for a while. That's all you got to do. And be like, okay, cool. We're back to normal. Yeah, it would be nice again if one side just wasn't a hypocrite once.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, dude, just fucking tea. Tea dog needs to chill. What a fucking idiot. Why, dude? Why would you do that? That was one that, like, he's done stuff before. I'm like, ah, you can't really.

That one sucks. This one was like, dude, this sucks so bad. Especially in the year, one AK. Especially AK. You can't do the year. You can't do exactly what you were mad that they were doing. I know. For real, I was just thinking

it'd be like if Obama tweeted after Charlie Kirk died and be like, yeah, we'll fucking good ridden some fucking sack of shit to be like I know people What we're learning

is people need to let go of their beefs People need to let go of their beefs Man Yeah Can't be out here The only long-term beef that I hold down Is 50 second You can continue beefing

with whoever he wants Because it's pretty fun watching his documentaries Although here's the thing though If this is a massive commercial success Who's next? Because he's gonna want to

strike twice because the Shannon Sharp documentary obviously we've seen the tea might be the new oil we don't have to drill for oil we just need the tea right now exactly right I think the tea the Shannon Sharp documentary I mean that his stock flew up when he has a documentary well no he brought cat on cats built the tea that was a that was like a 24 million dollar ordeal yeah there's many people going 50 you have any more tea there's going to be some there's going to be some prospect there's some prospectors going around Harlem way going some tea in here is tea There's some tea around it. Yeah, you're right.

Harlem Way, there is a lot of tea up there. That's tea country. That is. Or BK, even in BK? Yeah. Some good tea and get some tea going. Going the buggy down. There could be some tea that way.

But that's a major, dude, that's like, you know, that thing's going to be number one. So. Yeah. We got to go ahead and get some tea. Sean, we need you to get some tea. Would I hear any rumblings? Yeah, you guys haven't ever given us any fucking tea. I'm trying to

fucking survive out here, dude Our podcast is we're falling We're failing right now Because we don't ever spill any good tea I haven't had We need to openly gossip about our peers Sorry, yeah You have no tea

No tea over you Nothing's scandalous Nothing's scandalous at all In the awesome comedy scene You broke the story about my boat babies That's kind of a Well that's a big one that's yeah That's gonna

hit the web. True. That could rocket us back up. TMZ could be covering that. Yeah. We need, do you have any pictures?

No. No. You didn't get a sonogram? No. With the mud babies? I haven't been to the TMZ people are going to be gossiping around the cubicle.

I mean, the guy with this big ass coffee is going to be like, oh, did you see what came out of Austin this week? Yeah. I think he's going to have some bud babies. Fuck them. Fuck them, dude. How dare they talk about our butt babies live on TNG?

I know, dude. Yeah, it's a personal thing. Just reaching out. I'm reaching out from TMZ to follow up on this butt baby story. You heard of some rumblings about a butt baby being born at a water park in Texas. Your flaccid penis went up your ass, then you flipped over onto your belly and smacked it in further. Is this true? You must have been slightly hard to get through all that hair.

You got a nice net, a butt net. Yeah, I do have a hairy butt. I've heard, this is the T on Sean. I heard his head gets hard first. Oh, he goes the... He heard his head gets rich. He gets the bowling pin. It works its way down.

He's got jelly on the bottom. And I finally... The old bowling pin straight to his own butt at the water park. Trying to show off for the kids. You go, hey, everyone, watch this slide. Oh. It took a bowling pin.

I've only been right to the keyster. Nate, what do you think about that? No comment. I got no comment. You ever hurt yourself on the worst side? That's good. This is a good podcasting. No comment.

Thank you. Thank you for your help. I can't. We're doing all the heavy lifting. It's just all because of the waterfronts. It's fucking cloudy out. We're all sleepy. Come on, man.

Talk butt stuff. It's a gloomy day. We should all be cuddled up watching a movie. Yeah. Why can't you talk butt stuff? What are you even talking about? I can't talk butt stuff. Why not?

drastic butt stuff. People are going to think you're aligned with Diddy. bro, if you go, yeah. We can talk about stuff. No, I can't talk butt stuff. Yes, we can. God damn. Yes.

Yes. Well, somebody in this group got fingered recently in their butt by a guy. Hold up. Yeah, you had a fucking, probably a hemorrhoid and freaked out and went to an urgent cane and just got fingered and they sent him home. I shit. So much blood. He shipped blood. Oh.

Yeah. Who fingered you? It's guy. You know his name. I don't remember his name. I didn't want to look at least what he looked like. I didn't want to, huh? What he looked like?

He's a guy. Just a guy. Just a man. Did you get a finger at an urgent care? Yes. $200. Bro. Paid $200.

He made his girlfriend leave the room. He said, honey, you can't see this. Excuse me, fiance. I would have had her hold my hand, bro. That's crazy. You had to touch a girl. If someone's got up your butt, you've got to touch a girl to keep the genus. That's like a lightning around for Gaines.

That is true. That was our first time her in the doctor's office with me. Like, that was the first time. sign. I hear that. That's what they're for, dude. They're fucking

stand there while you're your butt finger by the doctor. I could never see me like that. You're never going to beat the allegations,

dude. You paid 200 bucks to get finger to fucking fucking urgent care, dude. Why would you ever get finger

to an urgent care? What did they even determined by finger in your butt? Nothing. He said I was all right? He said my book said I was

like, he said my book. He said I was like, he was like, he was like, he's like, he's like, he got it just because you bled a lot out of your butt.

You seem fine, but, you know, just got to check. Dave, you had your period? He went to the doctor and he fingershoes? It was my first period. I didn't know what you did. I panicked. They gave him a vibrator. He went to an old doctor.

He came from his butt finger. I have my period for like four days, and I was like, this is too long. This is a problem. How did he, did he, I guess he lubed himself up. Yeah. Gloved up. He lubed up.

I heard the gloves. Oh, and then he came and met me at the bar. I think it was on my birthday. It was a nice celebration. and then he came to the bar with lube fresh in his butt. I did not have lube fresh in my butt. You were wearing the same outfit.

You wore earlier that day, which means you did not shower. You did not shower. I didn't shower, but I washed up. I washed up. I didn't have... I washed up. I hit the hot spots.

I hit my balls. I hit my ass. I hit my end on. Why would you not get in the shower for that? Because we were going to meet you and celebrate your birthday. It sounds like you could use a shower, stinky. We were celebrating your birthday,

and then we had to leave early to go do spots. I was maximizing my towel with my friend. I'm sorry. You just got the lube out of your butt. It seems like... It's almost like... It was a standard drill. The doctor said, yeah. Standard drill. The doctor threw a towel on you.

You cleaned yourself up. You bathed like a hooker, like a gas station bathroom? Just washed your ass in the sink. Oh man. Then you came in through darts with us. She showed off to his birthday like, What's up, Han, How we do? Yeah. Dude, you still have lube in your butt.

I told you, I was like, here, I'm to talk, talk, tell my friend in confidence. And I did, second I did it, I was like, mistake. Why don't you ever tell me that? That's what Sean said. He was like, you messed up. I was like, it was like, it was a nice birthday gift. That's what I. I was a good laugh for your birthday.

Yeah. I was saying the whole time y'all are coming at Sean about his butt, baby. I was sitting here quiet. I didn't even think about it. I forgot entirely about it. I was like, thank God. Thank God I remembered. He all went for me and I was like, I can't.

You could have jumped in. I would have never known why you were being so bashful. But then I could have triggered Sean the turn on me. He would have had that. Yeah, true. You think I got a butt, baby? You would never. You lie, dude.

You're a nasty little fucker. If we got some brown liquor out here, you'd fucking spill the beans immediately. Oh, you told the crowd at the Knoxis he got fingers? Nobody liked it. Yeah, nobody liked that. He gave me no choice. Yeah, I tried to do a set about it that night. It was probably the worst set I've had in a while.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You gotta keep going. That's so funny. Got to talk about it forever. You should open and close with it every time. Actually rebranded around it after we were all up at the doctor's talking about it, and I went up to do my set. I was like, I just need to know that y'all aren't thinking about me with a finger

in my ass or just somebody went, well, I wasn't. I don't know. Just like, how many seconds were you talking? It had to be like three, but it felt like 20. Three seconds? No way.

I think it was like five. He definitely wasn't. What the fuck? The first point out of that. I think it was like five. No, you got in there, checked your butt walls.

Yeah, what was it? You just checking for a hammeroid? Clearly you have a fucking hemorrhoid. I think like any kind of mass. He was like, we just got to check for, he's what he said.

He said, we got to check for a mass. And then he was like, if it keeps bleeding, bro, we'll get you to a... Serious question. did it jump a little

no that's a good question he didn't move at all dude I went and got a massage recently and when I had my thunder clap headache brittany was like just go get a massage because it's like up here is real tense so I went first of all she's trying to talk me into like

she'd really try a maltherapist I was like no she's not doing it a therapist or like a massage oh oh oh oh I was like no no no no no no that'd be sick actually yeah you'd be like Tony Soprano I was fucking doing deadlifts and I'm doing sum of squats.

No, I got a, so I went, I was like, no, I'm not, just like, I'm telling you, like, you should just try, why are you so worried about it? And I was like, Brittany, if I get a male, like, massage person, and I even start to get hard, I have to leave the whole family. I'm going to come to home, but guys, I'm gay now. Yeah. I took the test. Turns out I'm actually gay.

And I'm leaving this family. You got to move up Harlem way. You got to spill the tea. You got to get up there and spill the tea immediately. Yeah. True. Nate, you're going to have to join bad boy. Dr. Diddy.

I got his. I got Diddy. I got Diddy on your birthday. I think you did. You did get Diddy on my birthday. Maybe I set that up. Start on a Nate Dog, Marshall. Yeah.

I know. We got to think of a good nickname for him. He might just be butter now. True, you are the butter man. Shut that buttery little biscuit. He does have buttery. I think the doctor used butter as a loob. buttered it

he got the peanut butterloom I mean buttered it's better than not buttered he ain't go over he ain't go Why he flexing your penis Why are you talking about? God, you see that? That's crazy I mean buttered is better than not buttered

flexing his dog head Ew, Nate Uh I wish I'd die We don't have too many topics right now We're just gonna call you guys Gay for an episode We're done

We got an hour It's a good hour That was a great hour. That was one of our better ones. That was a rainy day masterpiece. I mean, it's just a rainy day. There's nothing we can do about it. All you can do during a rainy day is either cuddle up with a good book.

True. Or you can sit around with your buddies and call two guys butt boys. Nate, what were your thoughts when you got when it happened? I mean, it was obviously funny that it was about to happen. Like as soon as I knew that, I was like, all right, this is about to happen to me. it was hilarious especially like I've been zesty online for a good couple months now and it's like I can't I think I got again I've talked about before I got my balls sonogrammed yeah and that's by guy yeah and I'll never forget he's winning a Steelers cap Steeler's cap nurse with a Steelers cap

putting jelly on my nuts warm too wasn't it wasn't very warm oh it was chilly yeah it was kind of chilly That's good on him. Yeah, you want to shrink everything. And it worked. Yeah. Doctor. This isn't what it usually looks like. Yeah, you can't be giving him the warm jelly.

But I was laughing during that. You said he was no. He wasn't laughing at all. He did not think it was funny. Yeah. But if I got butt-fingered, I would laugh. You're allowed to laugh. Did you hold your breath?

I don't remember. No, he went, he tried to hold his breath, but the air escaped him. Did you, so your babe really left the room? I made her leave. I didn't. She would have to be looking, like, I can't have her have that. Staring down the barrel.

Like, yeah, she could literally, where she was sick. When she left and it was just you and the doctor and then his finger was in your butt, you should have went, she hits me. You're allowed to open up to the doctor and talking about that. He did, he did ask, he did ask if I, like, beforehand, he was like, could the bleeding be from, you know, like, he was like, he was like, butt stuff. And then I just looked at her and went. It's an urgent care.

They're not using the best terminology. He's had butt stuff. He's head bust stuff? He said butt stuff. We're going to see him coming back to that urgent care. We're going to drive past. He's going to be in a trench coat and blind guy glasses walking out. Like a massage part?

Yeah. Another 200 bucks down the drain. Go broke and urgent care. So he asked you. What did your response? You looked at your wife and said, ask her? I said yes. I just say yes because I thought it would be funny to just come out like I'm gay in front of my lady in the darkness.

Then I was like, obviously, no, I haven't. But what he said? He laughed. How did he bend you over? Did you stand and lean over the table? Did he hold it up on the floor and I stood up straight, flexed. No, really. No, no.

Yeah. No, not on all fours on the table. No, no, you don't get on all fours. I don't know what you do. I don't know. You guys are a teared on it? I'm just early. Y'all are going to get there.

I have a refresher. I'm able to get a klonoscopy. It's going to be crazy. Yeah. I had to If I died Just say it Elbows on the table

I had to put my elbows Chin on your fist He instructed you right He said put your elbows on the table And bend over That is 100% What happened He was like you gotta put your elbows

On the table And he didn't say bend over But he's like You got put your elbows on the And then that was You know Damn That's all right

I found that I wasn't dying That's good I could be die I could be Probably never felt more alive honestly. It's kind of liberating. Yeah, straight at the bar.

First words out of his mouth. He was so excited to tell me. No, I... Right when he walked in the bar, he was like, oh my God, I gotta tell you what happened to me today. It took about... I had the wildest experience.

I held it to it for like 10 minutes, but it was all I was thinking about. Like, I couldn't... You knew the beans were getting spilled. That's also... That is a great birthday gift, though. To be honest, that's a fantastic birthday gift. Yeah, I'm turning 40 January.

I'm, well, it's a matter of time, I'm getting fingered. Yeah. Whole squad is getting fingered. Yeah, I might have to go early on that. Yeah. Because this has been out of control. I wonder why they just took, spilled the beans and made it spill the tea. And why is that acceptable?

It's beans, dude. It is the beans, I guess. But I think there was all that, like, drinking tea when, like, something. It's still eating beans. True. That's why they spill the beans. You go, what? And the beans fall off your spoon

And you've spilled the beans I think you're completely right You spill the beans Hold on now Fuck I spilled my beans But tell me about your finger I gotta get some beans I peeped your pantry the other day

You got your loving I got some beans I'm gonna make those beans when you leave That'd be nice Yeah That keeps the butt doctor away by the way That was a whole fucking bunch of beans For lunch

Each bean I might fucking scare shit on the doctor Just eat a ton of beans As soon as you touch me Just let like a one foot around He's gonna clog it though He's gonna go no no no He's like cut it

He'll hit the sawmill Hit the buzz saw All right This is maybe one of our worst Podcast Just talking about poop and fuck Oh no Oh fuck

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