Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 596 - 4-Man Jamboree Slam (feat. Ian Fidance, Ehsan Ahmad, Tim Butterly)

Episode Date: January 30, 2026

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Support Tim @ https://www.patreon.com/timbutterly Dad Meat @ https://www.patreon.com/dadmeatpodcast Support Ian @ https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod Check out Ehsan's new special "TOO SOON" on Youtube now Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Go See Tim Ian and Ehsan Live !!! yo0o00o0. We got a total jamboree for you guys this week. 3 bros at the podes. Ian had to sit because we only have 3 lol. It's a fun cast, support the bros. Watch their pods. Watch Ehsan's new spesh. Please enjoy. God Bless. This video is sponsored by BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com/MSSP Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/DRENCHED and use code DRENCHED and get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Wow, Wow, Wes. I should be allowed to smoke in here if I'm in this hot seat. No, I don't think you're, I would love for you to smoke, but I really don't think we're allowed to with the building and all because we're on their air system. No. He's sober, allegedly. Excuse you?

You're using coffee. I saw you. Coffee and cigarettes. That's a drug. That's two drugs. Two drugs. You're a poly substance user. Just give me a word, Josh.

my engine's fucking hot right now. Eden Finance. I know you feel like we're against you. We're not at all. Hey guys, welcome to the podcast. We have motherfucking Eden Finance. Sonamad, Tim Butterley, joined us for an absolute jamboree,

if I got to be honest. That's the way the seating worked out, dude. New York comics had to sit down for once, man. That's not the way the seating worked out then. This is an elaborate plan. That's a good point. Do you need anything? Can I get it for you?

Is that a trick too? We're not tricky. above board. My hackles are up. You're so paranoid. The coffee's got you like Jesse from Breaking Bad right now. You're whacked. Yeah, what's intimidating about this?

I'm in between two normals and a gremlin. I don't know what's going on. That's that fucking chip on your shoulder. I'm talking about down here. What a great privilege is to see? Dude, we're just going to do a podcast. And I didn't know you're in town. He told me.

And I said, yeah, come join. I'm like, fuck, I don't have a more. Thank you. Comfortable. My little brother did the same thing. He sat in the seat. He had a, he broke his foot. He sat in a seat.

He's chilling. Everyone had a good time. My ankle has been hurting. There you go. This is serendipus. I'm sorry to hear that. But I mean, what a, uh, this is very comfortable.

The way this work. Yes. I just don't like being the center focus. You're, dude, you're not. That's crazy. You'd even say that. My,

look how big my fucking podium is, dude. I'm obviously the story. Yeah, but I feel like I'm on trial and then there's a jury of blacks just touching me in the corner. What is this? That does sound like your nightmare. I was like that.

Judge by a jury of black people. Do you want me to turn the black one? Please. We're a little more liberal. I guess it really is a jury of my peers. I'm going to turn my blacks around because, Sorry, mine's in, well, my black and boys. You're my black employees.

I'm going to turn my black employees around. I liked it better when it was just blacks. Eat finance. How the hell you've been, son of mine, Tim Butler. What are you guys up to, man? Been good. You guys are right in these turbulent online climates? Are you guys, you guys all right?

I'm off everything. Really? I know. I know. The only thing I do is. was Instagram. That's it. Okay. I don't go on Twitter. I don't go on anything else. You're not going to the protest live? Feels good. What? Not going to the protest live? No. What? Someone asked, they were like, can you share this thing about taking off work on Friday?

And I was like, well, I would, but I'm playing Cap City. I need to be dead. Also, what are they going to go to their boss and be like, Ian Finance told me I can take off work. So I can potentially get killed in. Yeah, no, I'm okay. You know what I think they should? do though here's the thing like you know you don't know what the guy did he could just be working at walmart which that's crazy if we're chasing guys who work at walmart did another thing happen what are you talking about there's been two there's a lady in minnesota and then there was the guy yeah oh the ICU as well yeah yeah but it's like what did the guy do they were chasing because that's the big question he could just be working at walmart which that's crazy wait the guy they were chasing

who were they chasing an immigrant an illegal immigrant and that's why the guy got involved i think so I think the ice was out trying to like... Yeah, but they weren't trying to get one. They were trying to get a bunch. Okay, well, look. That's just a fish. Oh, so you're saying you don't know which one. He was just at the thing.

I really don't think that... Which immigrant I died for would be important for. Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of like, you know how you can adopt someone for pennies a day? Yeah. You should be able to like, like, know which immigrant you're standing up for. Yeah. Which Somali I'm keeping alive so I can die.

Well, no, that's just crazy. because like, so I didn't know how are they getting a early child care certificate first? Where are they getting a bunch of immigrants at once? They're going into towns and knocking on doors and ripping people out of homes. Oh, I thought they're chasing them because they caught them doing an illegal activity.

No, they're not playing Benny Hill music. There's no fishnets involved at all. No, there should be. They're catching. You know, that's a big game. Yeah. Do you think the immigrants are just chilling in the street just sort of milling around?

They're working or committing heinous crimes. It's one of the other. No, the amount of immigrants. I'm just going off the information. The amount of immigrants they've gotten that are committing heinous crimes, it's like very, very low. It's like, but they're doing like, what they're doing is they're capturing people, detaining them for a while and then going, all right, you're a good one and then letting them go. Okay. They're like ripping them from homes and like cars.

It's a great first draft idea for how to do it, I guess. I'm excited for V2. I do. I think we're really going to knock on it. I think what they should do because that's my question like what did they do you know It feels like a debate No, no no no My question is and I'm literally this isn't even political. It's more logistical Like at least have what they did when you're like the ice coming they should have like a Like you know like they do like VIP lounges and clubs like sparkler and to be like this is the charge

Well what you read it and be like what they did was was just being illegal like that what they did was just being illegal it's not like they're like you stole so we're we're capturing you it's like you are illegal you've been here for 30 years we heard about you yeah we got you that's like the jig is up the thing i didn't know i didn't know they're going multiple i thought they're just like chasing a guy no no it's like it's like a no it's like a no it's like a huge raid with like an invasion of masked haven't got me yet though wow that's because we're here It's because you have an army of blacks for the impetrable force of blacks. I will say after having me on, they might check you out a little more.

How do these ladies know that they were like going and like capturing immigrants in mass? Because they're coming in like big groups. Yeah, they're like in the ladies, you're like there, your house. And then you go and you go, hey, yeah, and like people are talking and they're like, you know, sharing information. I'm just trying to keep informed, but the footage is so bad. It's so grainy. Well, now the thing is this thing. I'm not kidding, man.

I'm trying to form an opinion. Right. And it's just I can't. Everyone's like, oh, from this angle, I'm like, dude, I don't know who's even, like I can't tell anything. So I'm just trying to get informed, honestly. Yeah. Yeah, I'm going to X to jerk off and you're showing me these fucking videos of people dying.

Terrible. Come on, man. Thank you. Talking about people. It's the perfect chaser, by the way. What? After you know. Coming after watching the show is like either a decapitation or a guy being executed in the streets.

Dude. They should. It perfectly destroys the post nut, like, euphoria and gets you right back to being able to work. True. They should, they should do a thing where on like porno, the next video is like an informative news story. So that you get your nut off, but you're also informed. Yeah, but then you're going to be way too impressionable. And they're going to be able to just put whatever they want in there.

I would say, make me digest the news first before I get my release. Oh, because you're saying if you come, you'll be more susceptible to be like, immigrants are people yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah right yeah if I was going to you know if I love it's like if that's the case

you're like they're my neighbors I'm like no these are hardworking guys don't come and take them all out that's if I was a 40 year old white lady do you think me showing up as that is going to really help or should I me and my friends get together and work up some sort of like deception

you know obstication like a home alone obstacle course no I'm saying like we all wear the gear it's fucking Barrow Pancho, mountain bike. Now there's 40 of us. They fucking, the ice sergeant goes, okay, damn.

We love them. Hold again. I like that Scooby-Doo. Yeah. We got these immigrants if it wasn't for these damn kids and 40-year-old. I haven't picked the side yet officially. I'm just thinking like, you know,

how do you maximize? And right now, I'm like, that would actually work rather than, like, because if you were just a fucking old white lady, they haven't picked aside yet. I haven't, I can't tell from the footage. I'm looking at the footage. I need all the angles. You need the footage.

And not just... I want to look at the general information of what's going on. Oh, okay. I need to see all the angles. I've seen 270 degrees so far. Until I reach 360. I'm out. No, it's generally bad to shoot American citizens, I would say.

Yeah. I don't want to start up here. I'm glad we finally got you. Unless. Yes. You know, they committed, I need to see the crime. If they truly are, it depends on your news sources. I explicitly read the judge report.

Yeah, but isn't that like, why? They're all true. I read judge report too. I don't read any news. We got it. I said two. I read a big news guy. He invited.

Why? I don't know what I'm saying. I don't know what's going on. All drugs are part of the hands over here. It's not going to have an open-minded conversation here. It's not going to work for the numbers. You pick a side, I make a side, and then we argue, all right? And my side is drugs no matter what.

I love that little guy. Numbers are down. How do you get otherwise? Can we get into politics? That was my fault. I'm sure. Can we get a spotlight on him? I think it would be great.

Just make him feel more comfortable. I'm serious right into an iceberg. I won't have it. That's my fault. I'm just waiting for you to pull out. And my next point. No, I was a treat to have you, man. You're great.

Oh, thanks, well, thank you. Butterly, how you know, man? I'm chilling. I can tell, man. Is it working or is it too much? No, you're chilling. No, you're chilling. No, it's feeling.

It makes to me wish I brought. my sunglasses. Why, so you could be the second sunglasses guy? I know. Crazy. So we could be in solidarity. So we could be blues brothers together. Because you said you weren't sure if it's working and I'm saying it's working so well, you make me want to do it. Yeah, but then you completely redirected all the focus back to yourself, which makes me think that you're not uncomfortable in the hot seat and that you're actually kind of getting a sexual thrill for it. You put a lot of weird sex stuff on me and I think it's subconscious in your brain. Well, I think he's been put a lot of weird sex stuff in the air of this whole episode so far. So far.

Whoa. Thank you. Never been a weird sex stuff guy. I think I have trashed the vibe. I'll take full responsibility. Can I be honest? Sure. I love the vibe.

All right, man. You heard it. Don't change. It's a single thing. I appreciate it. I was just fishing for a compliment. No, you're doing great. Yeah, man.

So I don't know. What else is going on? This episode is brought to you by prize picks. The big game is almost here. no better way to cash in during America's biggest sporting event than prize picks, where it always feels good to be right. And since the big game is right around the corner, that also means that it's your last chance to get into the football action before next season. So close the season outright with prize picks by getting $50 instantly in lineups when you play your first $5.

Hmm, let me think. Some specific players I've seen very play very well. I'll tell you what, I've been loving watching Drake May fucking sling that football around for the New England Patriots. Will he win the big game? I don't know. And hey, it's good to share with the new social feeds feature. You can share prize picks with your friends and copy lineups from winners with a single click. Copy lineups you like or use them as inspiration for your own picks. You can even follow prize picks partners like us and tail or fade our picks with just one click. Download the prize picks apps today and use code drenched to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. That's code drenched to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup.

Price picks, it's good to be right. I don't know. You know what I want to talk to you about actually and everybody got off coffee. I can't, I'm more of a, I'm the biggest advocate of no caffeine. I know it's not a popular opinion. Now, how long have you been on coffee? Uh, about a month, maybe. How do you, how did you feel initially? Awful. Awful. So bad. I've looked into the, but here's the thing, though, coffee, apparently. And again, everyone's different. I'm real sensitive to caffeine. Caffeine, it's all anecdotal, destroys or severely inhibits, what's it called?

Divergent thinking. So like creative thinking. Convergent thinking, it's great. If you want to focus on a task and get it done, it'll get you from A to B. But if you want to like subconsciously kind of like pull from like a bunch of weird stuff in your brain and just create a brand new idea, I swear to God, dude. I think cat. And I felt this personally. I was like, dude, I'm not coming up with any ideas.

Got off the juice. I feel so much better. Looked it up. A ton of people said that. Crushes your creativity. Slave juice. Who said this? It's online.

Like online forums? It's anecdotal. And then they did a coffee, coffee, whatever. Some company did a study. I need to see all the angles. No, you know. What does the drug report say about caffeine? I think that's the most important thing that.

It's got to be Patriot coffee. Yeah. But no, I, dude, I, I swear to God, though. Like, I was like, I just felt like dead. And then I, like, went off it. I have way more energy. I swear to God, I think coffee is a total sciop. Were you like super irritable when you got off?

Yeah, I was fucking so mad for how long. Super mean for like a couple days. It was all good. But I was like fucked up the first day. But then I looked up the study and they were like, because apparently there's enough anecdotal evidence where they did a study to prove that it doesn't mess with like, you know, whatever, however your brain does creative stuff.

And they were like, nope, we gave people a single dose of caffeine. they're fine it's like dude that's the biggest bullshit like you coffee like I don't dream when I'm when I have caffeine I do do you do you have vivid dreams well you might be a not as sensitive that's a thing I think I think I desensitized myself with how much coffee I drink right you know maybe I I don't know I mean I could drink this and be able to go to bed really that's crazy have you always been like that I've always been like a night out and I've always like stayed up super late and then I'll, I sleep in shifts and then I'll take like a nap during the day and the coffee

just helps me to like jog everything loose. I was on so many more cups, but now maybe on like two cups a day. But at one point I was on like five or six and I've like cut back to where I have one in the morning, then one like in the evening. Dang. That's crazy. Yeah. But I carry, I carry a coffee with me all day. I've noticed that. And I do like sips. I was worried. So I don't drink an entire thing. The entire thing lasts me like throughout the day. You know what I mean? So it's like a security blanket almost? Kind of. Binky. It's a binky. I don't think so. I should do the same thing. I would keep one ready at all times and just because it's again, everyone's dead. The whole thing I would say is that like it depends how sensitive you are to caffeine. If I have caffeine at like noon,

I'm up till midnight. Well, I'm not slugging one. I'm like sipping throughout the day. Got you know what I mean? Got you. So I don't know what the effects of that are. I don't really find any like crazy like You think your divergent thinking is totally fine. I think I am divergent thinking. I was going to say ironically, like when I, every day I wake up, go to a coffee shop and write. And I get a lot done. Telling you, imagine if you were disconnected, though, from the slave juice. Imagine that.

Dude, maybe the slave juice is what I need. I'm excited for Matt to find the perfect thing to deprive yourself of. And then as soon as the results are in, I'm going to eliminate that from my life. What do you mean? I don't know. I thought about doing the semen retention thing for a while. That's a dead end. Thanks for running out.

Thank God. It's all I needed to hear. All right. Back on porn, baby. You can't not come. Turns out. Well, you have to.

That's how you shoot up a place. Physiologically, like for your body because if you, if you get too backed up, you can get epididymitis. So I've had chronic epiditomitis. John, were you not coming when you had epitomitome?

And when you come, it like cleans out your pipes. Hold on. How did you get epididymitis? He was coming all. time. Really? Were you edged? No, I got

I've had a lot of ball problems my entire life. Yeah, yeah, I had a testicular torsion. Is it? They twisted? Yeah, the tissue went around it and I almost lost it, sorry to have surgery and ever since then I've had like chronic. Damn. The old dick. It's like I have to get shots in my spine

every once in a while because of my epididomitis. You have to get back shots for your balls. It's so frost. I'm here, doctor. I'm not a licensed profession. I don't care. Ian, it says you're in here for a head. How's your body?

Oh, dude, everything is related to your spine. So everything is, so everything, like if you get a lower back injury, your nut can hurt because of the certain like wires that go from your spine and the different parts of your body. What's the shot they're giving you? Um, a, uh, like a steroid shot. in like a certain part of my spine. In like the ball wire in your spine. Whoa.

You have bad. I had I had epididomitis so bad that it was so inflamed that like sometimes I couldn't walk and they were like look like if this doesn't work we're gonna have to remove your epididymite, your epidermis and I was like well that would suck. Yeah. That's like basically irreversible the septomy. That's like the carburetor for the fucking ball. Oh yeah.

It's important. That is very important. That is a funny medical condition. have to be like, yeah, my balls are so big, I can't walk. My footballs are huge, man. I like my wheelbarrow at home, brother. I didn't read the article. My friend sent me an article about guys, I believe in Michigan,

who were injecting their balls with something to make them gigantic. And they were just these gay guys and inject their balls, maybe. And they would just do deadlifts in like tight pants and just like a football. Like it was insane. I think they died from that. Because you can, you can dick max with, I think, both. Dick Max with I think Botox if you shoot Botox in your dick you can dick max I'm all I'm looks max all the way right now What's looks max dude? It's you got to watch clavaker whatever

What's clavocer? I'm not familiar with the fucking Miami Avengers? I'm all out of the loop on so many online things All I know about him is that he this is the first time I heard about him is he went to the club and they were playing Heil Hitler Yes in my that's so that's what I know I thought you were talking about me because you're pointing down No, no, no, no. Good song when I'm alone. Dude, the Miami Avengers are under fire right now. It's been a tough time.

Who are these guys? You know Andrew Tate? Yeah. Andrew Tate. Tristan, his brother. Mm-hmm. Dude, you don't know Andrew's brother. Come on, dude.

Tristan. Him and Jay Waller are fucking boys. Who are these people? Tim, help me. It's like weird internet. This is like the Neo-Manusphere. Yeah, they're like Manosphere, guys. But it's Tristan, Andrew clavicular.

Who's a looks maxer guy who like hits his jaw line with a hammer to make it more pronounced And he's doing like weighted mewing Oh god yeah and uh fucking foentes Nick foentes all went out together Just a cool night out a couple of the influencers bro It was just some sick fucking bros Yeah to a miami nightclub and then they blasted hyal hitler by uh kanya west uh and they got the whole everyone got in trouble for and then they started throwing each other under the bus yeah, it's a bad look.

You know, to be in a nightclub of Miami and singing Heil Hitler. Yeah, well, fair, fair. So... All right, all right, it goes. So they got in trouble, but then they started throwing each other over the bus as well, like,

who really put it on, who didn't like it. Oh, you mean, guys that smashed their jaws and talk the way they do wouldn't be loyal to each other? That's crazy. I don't believe it. I think the one guy was, the clavicular was left sterile from the chemical. usage, like the whatever

fucking peptides are sterile. T.R.T. will do it. If you're on T R.R.T. too long, you can your balls, your sperm. Yeah, but don't, if you start taking TRT, don't you have to be on it for the rest of your life? Or else you know, like, you like hair products and stuff. Like, don't you have to be getting off testosterone. You're on it? Step in down.

No, even naturally, I'm just fucking blocking all. Yeah. I think like holding receipts. It gets in your way, dude. Yeah. It starts like sending signals to your brain that you need to fucking nut. And it's just like, no, I'm not about that shit. Really? Yeah. Well, you're a medical orders. So how much do you have to nut to keep your epitimate? It's, it's the, the shots have helped so much. So it's like not a issue. I have to be careful about if I like tie it off. Like if I'm

having sex and I'm like, oh God, I'm going to come. Don't like that can inflame it. No. Yeah. You're never allowed to think about baseball. Yeah. Bro, don't tell me to not think about baseball. I love the 93 Phillies. You gotta let it fly You gotta let it fly Doctor's orders You gotta fly Yeah

But I haven't been Dude new year New me Okay No porn Let's go I've only jerked off Maybe like three times

Only to memories And I am not Doing that So I guess maybe I'm unintentionally Seamen retention Your SR Like do you ever

Do you ever unintentionally What's that called When you don't eat Till certain hours Fast No intermittent Fasting. Do you ever unintentionally do that? Right? Yeah, I've done it. Yeah. I actually wake up and

and eat every morning early south, but I know what you're talking about it. I feel like I'll get sick if I like really right away. Yeah. I eat for I eat it like 630 in the morning. What? Yeah, I crush like a lot of food right of you have kids. That's something like that stuff. Yeah. Yeah. I got the day started and all that. Yeah. Yeah. I crush it. Yeah. Yeah. You look uh, mm-hmm. That's, dude, everyone. Yeah. Thanks. Is it the eggs? With Amex Platinum, almost every purchase made with your card can be covered with points, including new tastes, new fits, and virtually everything in between. That's the powerful backing of Amex.

Conditions apply. Aren't you hot? Shouldn't you take that shirt off? Oh, sorry. Retention over. Someone's looking for a new memory to turn off. Is it about what this is about, did a miss real quick. Making memories.

What prompted the fucking S-R? What are your guys at New Year's resolutions? Oh, my business is just, by this is very simple. I was just to take more pictures. Take pics? Yeah, I never, I never. All people or selfies? Just, just of my life. I never take any pictures and I've done a lot of cool shit. Yeah. Like I wish I brought my, you had the cool glass. I have my meta AI glasses. Oh, I hate those. I wish I got one just to take a picture of this moment from this angle, but I think those are evil.

Just take your phone out and do it. Yes, you know what? I like the meta though. Met is sick. I think it's evil. I think it's terrible. What are you going to make content for Rainbet? I...

I'm trying to get that calcium for Rainbet. I'm trying to get that Cali sponsorship. Fucking talking about, dude. You're about to cripple an entire industry. I think it's terrible. How am I going to fill myself pretending to swing on an old man? Yeah, the AI is bad, though. I like ask you questions.

It's not good. I've never used AI or chat GPT. Really? He rules. I used it for my whole last special. Yeah. Did you also use it to inform your opinions on ICE at the side? I literally do ask Grog.

I'm like, what's up with the news? What's the most advantageous financial position? Like I can take financially. What will make you the most money? That's crazy. And that helps? Grock was like, use the angle. I was like for sure.

I want the straight source. What are the billionaires? think of the news without the advertisers getting in the way. There you go. Give me the straight prop. Yeah. So you've never used fucking GPD? You know that's crazy, bro.

And when I'm talking to friends, I don't know, ask chat GPT, I'm like, no, I'm asking you. Like, that's what this is. We're supposed to talk. You don't talk to anybody who knows anything, though. I know. None of us do. I get what he's saying.

It's nice to be in a conversation and you're arguing and you're both wrong. You don't know it. No, I was arguing with a friend and he just sent me a bunch of chat GPT. And I'm like, no, use your own thought. He's like, these are my thoughts, but chat GPT makes it more organized. And the argument.

No, you're an idiot. Yeah, I mean, I don't see the big deal about it. It's like Google. It's like being like I'm not going to use Google. It's just super Google. Yeah, but you use Google and you can discern and like read different things and form your own opinion. Dude, how many Google searches do you actually click? You click two, maybe.

No, I screenshot the first result. I said that. I put it in my database, which organizes and analyzes it. No, I just, I don't know. I don't like, I hear you. It's, it's, it would be sad to think that, like, I listen to, like, music on YouTube for, like, background music. And I do get bummed out, like, is this fucking AI music? Yeah.

Just numbing out the AI. I kind of, I try to find videos of a dude playing the song. Yeah. Because it kind of pisses me off. But even that could be, yeah, at this point. Fuck. Yeah. Yeah.

How do you know anything's, like, like, we're like this close to, like, not being able to put, like, surveillance. Yeah, dude. You should just do Spotify, a platform that doesn't get money to artists. True. Why would you do that, dude? Which is the Spotify. Oh, what's? Oh shit.

But it's convenient and eventually they will make money. Spotify. Podcast gives money to artists. They give it to like five of them. They give it to five of us. Oh, I just got on Spotify. I have a,

I have a travel show called Ian do an odd guy doing odd jobs and we're putting it on Spotify. I do that's a fucking idea. TV show. Spotify, yeah. Watch on Spotify. Spotify, you're great. Spotify is a good sense of humor.

They're like Swedes, aren't they? I think they're Swedes. Do Swedes have good senses of humor? Tell me about the show. Tell me about the show. I saw this and I was kind of pumped on this. Oh, yeah. So all the towns I go and do stand-up in, I find someone to teach me how to do their job.

And then I do their job. And it's called Ian doing our guy doing our jobs. The episode's coming out next week. I got my tattoo license in Wisconsin and I tattooed a guy. And then I also made pizza in Oklahoma City. I've like cut hair. I got tackled by a bunch of police like service training. canines.

Oh, I thought you were... Man, those dogs had a fucking blast, I bet. Oh, dude. I'm a dog and I get to attack people. I can't imagine a better target than he. They? They literally were like...

Yeah. He really, he really bit down on it. It was like, yeah, no shit. I'm in pain. You're the most biteable man. This guy has huge balls. Oh. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Damn, that's sick. You got to wear the suit? Yeah, it was cool. Did you get to, like, threaten one of them? Like, you're going to get them? Oh, no, they had me run, but I said things like, you'll never get you, coppers. They're like, I want to talk to a white shirt. And then they tackled me.

And I didn't like it. They gave me the thinner soup, but they didn't tell me that. What? Yeah, so you feel it more. Imagine going to your barber for a haircut. And it's like, hey, just as a one-time thing, this guy is going to do it instead today. You're just like, fuck. Oh, yeah.

I fucked this guy up. He walked out so lumpy. It was great. Yeah, I didn't even think about that. What was a tattoo? I tattooed that S symbol on the sky's leg. You know that symbol? I was sick.

I played in my greatest week. Oh, in this weekend, I'm going to be a pit boss at Terry Blacks. And I'm going to run security at the mothership. I'm going to do jujitzy with the Marines in the morning. And then they're going to put me a tactical here. Don't broadcast that. There's going to be a security lapse for one night only this weekend. Lever-King is chartering.

a jet right now. Yeah. Just all men come in shirtless and there's a chance. And there's a possibility. We did pitch to... Elephant Graveyard is activating his audience. It's like the penguin and they're all slowly marching. They're gonna attack me like canines.

But we were... I'm still waiting back and it will probably be no, but we're pitching to Rogan to have me be the chauffeur that takes the guest to a show but I wear the outfit with the hat and I don't go in and I just wait outside. Are you like a Serbian terrorist plot? Also the show I'm gonna do it was in her headquarters. Yeah, and then next week I'm piloting a commercial flight from New York to LA. Do you guys know the Iceman? I just need to get close enough to the price.

They'll be dead. It's great. Also the show- New York is infiltrating Austin. Some of the guys of my travel show. I don't like this. Also, the show for the people stay a block away from the ship. I can't wait. My plan is going wonderfully.

The Archduke Franz Ferdin. Yeah. No, but it's super fun. And it gives me stuff to do. Like, I was just in Connecticut, and I went to this place called Hardincoe. And they are a, like a gene and clothing company. Everything's handmade with like antique American machines and tools. And so I made my own jacket.

It's like pretty cool. And I have a longing for the past. You're very, uh. I love the pale. Yeah, you're very, very steampunk. Yeah. I don't like that. Is that steampunk when you're acting,

you put like a tweet on, like a, that you seem like, I'm not trying to be a dick. It seems like you love the past, like handmade, stitching and shit. Well, he did call, he did call them the blacks over there. So I think he's definitely year and I do. He's definitely yearning for the past. Better times, some would say.

Those are actually the antique machines for using this. Clothly-equated hardware. Where? Don't you dare come in my boys like that. My analog tools. It's good you weren't behind the auction podium when you're saying on this. So I couldn't give him one. I knew you'd abuse the podium.

Austin is better than New York. Right. That's our prize fighter right there. He's taking down Gomez. Two weeks. Lemaverg Gomez. I can't wait. Taking them down.

That's going to be great. That'll be awesome. I'll come back. Yeah, the comedy, the inner city comedy beef is so fucking. I love that stuff. Oh, yeah. I just love division.

It's amazing. You do? I do. I like unification. Really? I love unity. Nah. I love getting along.

Today's all about just hyper division. Bombarding people with information, titillating them, getting them freaked out. Nope. getting them into the streets, making them clash. You don't like that?

You don't like neighbors smashing each other with trash can lids outside because of Facebook posts. It's fun to watch. I'm not going to lie. It's fun to watch. I'm going to show up

and blow a whistle the whole time you guys are doing Lewis versus Lemaire. I'm going to get myself shot. Yeah. I could be defending Lemaire with my life. I'll show up in a mask

in tactical gear. I'll arrest Lewis. I'm a citizen. I'm a citizen. Show me your papers, True. So I was going to bring it. We don't like New York comics around here.

Yeah, it's embarrassing. Everyone's fighting each other right now. Yeah. I'm with you. I'm unification for real. I'm just fucking around. Thank you. Well,

yeah, let's take it to a question from a premium subscriber. Oh, cool. Let me see. Yeah, that's fine. You can do that one. Oh, boy. This is for the,

this is a perk we give to the Patreon. Oh, cool. You know, I figured since you plugged one, of shit, it might as well. Oh, yeah. No, I appreciate that. What do you guys have going on? I have a special out called too soon. Yeah. Check it out on YouTube. I'll be in Pittsburgh, February 6 and 7th. Come do it to it to know every way. Hell yes. A message from the premium subscriber. It's they do Q&A shit. Okay, read all of this. Yeah, man. It's a fucking all right.

I'm a Hungarian immigrant with an eating dessert. Okay, let me do the accent. I am a Hungarian immigrant to me so hungry. Is that just a gentleman? Is that jeffeying Japanese laugh. No, that's one of the premiums. That's like a fucking shareholder, dude. Oh, I. He's a premium subscriber. You're a good guy. Spotify's great. It's not even Spotify. I'm a Hungarian. Multiple allegiances. I'm a Hungarian immigrant with an eating disorder. I came to this country, 170 pounds, which is a good weight where I'm from, a strong weight of a man. But since getting here, the food has been very delicious. I eat and eat and eat. My mother tells me I am like the Kisgombok, which of you not familiar is a popular figure from Hungary. mythology. In Hungary, it is common to store leftover pig parts in their intestines, making a sort

of satchel for further eating. The kiss gumbok is the pig intestine that comes alive, eating everything in its path, getting bigger and bigger as more of the village is consumed until a pig shepherd is also eaten, who slashes it from the inside of this trusty blade, freeing the village who dance and celebrating. Either way, I am now weighing 247 pounds. I sent you. shirtless picture to my mother to prove how well I am doing in America, and she calls me the kiss Gombach telling me she'd love to suck all my rich milkyness. It's the right there. This is so good.

I'll tell you what, the semen retention is going to be hard after this one. That is amazing. That is a poor scenario if I've ever heard one. She tells me ingest that she wants to crawl inside my cavity and sit in my belly like I once did in hers, feeding for my American goodies like the parasite I once was. Only my mother is very old And she tells me she wants to die in my belly For as the old Hungarian saying goes

Better to be still born in America Than do live a whole life in hunger That's fucking I do That's our premiums a driver I don't even know what the fucking question What's going to be? There's no question

There's fucking pissing at all He just wants us to know His mom wants to live in his belly Shout out Dominic Kansas City It is a Q&A So we just gave us an A Yeah Yeah. Yeah. What way do you want to go? I want to die in my son's belly.

My favorite is when he goes, if you're not aware of the kiss gumbug, we should have been like, now we can move on. These guys are weird. They're weird. I love them. You know, you're paying the bills. That was great. I know. These guys, they're funny. Do you ever do like a, um, instead of a question and answer like a Patreon like short story contest or something? So that would be fantastic. I sound just like a guy with a fucking problem. That could have been, that was written really well.

That was really funny. You don't think that's real? That's a goof. Maybe they're fucking pulling the, you know, the wool over my eyes, but... Do you think that's real? Well, we could chat GPT it. No. We could...

Oh, no. We'll go to another one. I was saying we could do... This should be here. We could see if it was written by chat TVT. That would be really damning. Yeah. Okay.

Oh my guys. Please just come on. Okay. For the subscribers. 35-year-old metal worker here. My brother's been having... Can I do your job? My brother's been having a real bad go with anxiety.

I wish I could help him, but I've never gotten anxiety myself. At least not like he gets it. He can just be sitting there doing nothing and the next thing I know he's all sweaty and freaking out. It's kind of embarrassing, especially if we're at a restaurant or something. But I've tried my best to understand so I can be there for him because after all, he is my brother. Recently, he has had an episode where I personally felt crossed the line.

We were at my place watching football, me, my brother and my boys. I have three sons, two regular and one adopted. Too regular and one I don't love And so my brother starts His hyperventilating bullshit And I yell at him to stop Because he was freaking out my new son He's a two-year-old Chinese kid

That I literally just got a few days before Which is a whole other issue And so I've tried tough love on my brother And told him that if I started having One of his sweaty spas attacks I'd haul off on his ass thinking I'd give him something real to be afraid of, hoping it would cancel out any weird inner weakness shit. He was displaying in front of my kids.

And so we get into it. My brother starts crying, which triggered the fuck out of me. And so I started screaming at him, trying to tell him having anxiety as a man and not having been in an active war zone is extremely gay and pathetic. And he yells back saying, it's not helping. So I shoved his ass down into the coffee table and he spilled some wine on the carpet and now my wife is pissed. Also, I only paid four grand for the Chinese kid, which I thought was fine, since I

I've never adopted and didn't know at the prices. But one of my buddies recently told me that he had to cough up like 40 grand. Do you think there's any chance this little fucker fell off the truck or something if you catch my drift? Steve from Flint, Michigan. Now, Steve, that's a question. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Steve, your brother might be anxious because he's realized you've human traffic the Chinese baby. That seems to be.

I don't know. We do a better job for real selecting the question. You should make you an embarrassment of the price. Dude, say he had to cough up $40,000. Yeah, yeah. It's incredible. How much does adoption cost? A lot.

Is it expensive? Yeah, and the process is so long. Four grand makes me think like, where did you get this kid? Like, do you go to some massage parlor and they're like, we have some deal on some kids? That, that thing is not real. That's like a fake thing. That's got to be a fake thing. You think they're fucking pull my chain?

Yeah. For sure. Motherfuckers. They're saying. They're trying to be funny guys to make you. make you guys laugh. Pisses me off. They're nailing it though.

You try to do something nice. Well, I don't know. I try to do something nice. You think, you know, so I'd like to offer some advice or whatever. Why not one more? I mean, I mean, the last one. Yeah.

The misdirect from the anxiety to the Chinese children makes me feel like, and I wonder why this kid has anxiety. His brother's beating the shit out of all of him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It does strike me as a little bit over the top. Yeah, yeah. It's 25 to 40 grand. Yeah,

yeah, he got, he got a knock off Chinese child. The deal. He got a fake Chinese child. Real. Real. This episode is sponsored by Better Help. Let's get real for a second here.

I found that comedy is a great way to discover more about yourself. Dude, I've learned speak on how comedy has helped you discover something about yourself or helped you grow as a person. You know, there's just something about talking in front of people and it's really helped me kind of like grow my inner child or more specifically my pure. Arturnis, which is the Forever Child and Youngian terms, my shadow has been surely integrated. I mean, that goes without saying. And other than that, yeah, I had a big, I had a bit of an edipus complex that I've resolved through just like sick jokes and whatever. Guys, if there's one goal you should have getting into new, in this new year, it should be to feel better about

yourself, to feel lighter. Plus, getting started is straightforward and simple. All you you need is BetterHelp. Therapy can help you discover what obstacles you're facing and how to overcome them. BetterHelp is over 12 years of experience connecting people with the right therapist. They've served over 5 million people globally and judging by the glowing reviews, it works. BetterHelp makes it easy to get matched online with a qualified therapist. Sign up to get 10% off at BetterHelp.com slash MSSP. That's BetterHELP.com slash MSSB. Hey guys, real quick, you can catch me on the road doing live standards. stand-up comedy. I have an all-new hour. It's been going pretty well. People love it. I love it.

Everyone's having fun. Guys, I'll be in Las Vegas, Nevada, the weekend of February 13th. And then on Valentine's Day, there's a big one, leaving my family, guys, you know, everyone's pissed, but whatever, I'll do it for you guys. Paramount Theater, Denver, Colorado, on Valentine's Day proper, February 14th, I'll be there. So, Las Vegas, that's a big one. I don't know what's up with Las Vegas. All these other tickets are selling great. Las Vegas is a last-minute town, full of gamblers. Don't be the fucking ruined gambler and lose out on, you know,

shows definitely going to sell out guys. Don't even think it's not. But right now the ticket sales are fucking poor. So please come to Las Vegas or I will I'll still come even. It's like 10 people. I don't care. But so Las Vegas 213, 214,

Denver, Colorado. Then I'll be in a Boise, Idaho, Salt Lake City, Utah, Cleveland, Ohio, a bunch of other places. Get tickets at Matt McCusker. com. Also, the day this comes out,

it'll be Friday the 31st, I believe, it'll be a 30th, Friday the 30th. Algernauts at Creek in the Cave, we're going to do, I'm doing a show. Me and Tim Butlerly are doing a show where we go through people's phones, look through their algorithm, projected on the screen. We all laugh. It's, it's a good time. So that's it. Thank you. Hey guys. I have two young daughters, two and five years old. They're obsessed with the movie Frozen, which I can't understand. Not that any of those movies are great, but Frozen is the worst of the worst in my opinion and the message is complete bullshit. Basically you have two sisters. The parents both die and the kids are left alone in a castle. The older one is essentially a moody bitch who moves

out to an ice castle symbolic of a one bedroom apartment cat lady. After her younger sister, archetypal slut, hoax up with the first dude she sees. Prince Hans of the southern aisle. And so the archetypal slut ends up attracting the archetypal dickhead who just uses her. And so the whole thing goes on until Elsa, the older sister, froze the whole town, which I think is symbolic for a bitch-type lady's general presence, comes back to save Anna, but the slut sister somehow ends up frozen, symbolic of all women eventually just becoming mean to no matter what, and is brought back because of her own true love, not Christoph's, who in my opinion is the movie's true hero, but they make him out to be some unnecessary side character who just has to deal with the fact

that Anna, the slut younger sister, has been ran through by Prince Hans, as if body doesn't matter. And I know she was technically only, wait, and I know she was technically only once Prince, but, uh, I think he got maybe typoed here. And I know she was technically only once Prince, but for a fairy tale, which typically only deal with virgins, one is kind of insane. Honestly, symbolic of the fact that she's been run through. One in a fairy tale equals 100 in real life. Frank in Manhattan. Why I'm just glad this guy's a father I mean, what the fuck?

It feels like he was typing with one hand and jerking off the guy's daughter and he's speaking that way? We'll do better next week. That's what a monster. Again, that wasn't even a question. There was no question. He just wanted to use it.

That was more than an op-ed. He just wanted to use fairytale body count stuff. That was fairytel body count. Are fathers of young daughters dealing with like body count issues right now probably more than any time in history. I think so, well, no, because I think they used to like kill them.

You know what I mean? You'd kill your daughter. Or like you'd have to kill the guy if they dishonored her. Yeah. Because you had to basically sell them for like pigs and shit. And fucking women knew not to fuck around or else there'd be consequences. So of course they can marry a virgin.

There's been barns full of, you know, hay piles going back to the beginning of civilization. You know what I mean? I never thought about this. You know what's crazy? You know what's nuts? So back in the day when you had a medieval time, you have a daughter,

you would get like one pig for your daughter, right? One pig. Can we look that up? That sounds low. Maybe 25 to 40,000. But here's the thing, dude. That was like a Chinese pig. That was for like a wife.

Only fans models make billions of years. Those guys, I think, when it got drastically lowballed. If you think about it. No, but most only fans. Women's true value. It's like sitting on top of oil. But most only fans,

models make nothing. Most only fans model are just showing holes to the void. Even 250 bucks a month compared in pigs, medieval pigs. That's a bag. Can we get a conversion rate? Yeah, but that's a horde of 2026 USD yields more pigs. And more pigs and no you're right. So like one pig yields well no no way man. I've been to functions where a pig was barely one meal. Hmm? I've been to parties where an entire pig was just like the meal for the night you know. But you're going to do one feast in exchange for your daughter's chastity and potential future. Yeah, but they probably also didn't eat a ton so they could make the pig last a while, right? No way. It's meat. It'll spoil.

But didn't they also get cows and like donkeys and stuff? A cow. The little marriage just went, mm. If you're lucky, yeah, you get a cow. That'd be a good present. Yeah. But also didn't you get like a cow on some land? Like, wasn't that the dowry?

It depends on your daughter, how hot she was. And probably like the area you're... 50 shekels of silver. 50 shekels of silver. Okay. Or the equivalent in livestock, basically. Okay, so they probably had it paid pretty well then.

Wow. I was thinking people got ripped off in medieval times when selling their daughters. I mean, they probably do something. Yeah. I mean, the real people got ripped off with the daughters.

What do you mean? They're a property of their father. What are you talking about, dude? They were the father's rightful property. Can you imagine? having a daughter be like, yes, this will pay off in the long run. I mean, maybe. That is 18 years of just like feeding her while she learns like basket weaving and shit.

Please don't get fat, man. That would be pretty nuts. That is like, yeah, that wouldn't feel good, honestly. If you had like a beautiful daughter and all you think about was just selling her for like a fat sack of gold. Yeah. That would feel like you'd be like kind of. It'd be better. It'd be bittersweet.

Imagine being like a hot daughter. That was your retirement, by the way. Really? I'm only worth a pig? Look how hot I am compared to these toothless goblins. Like shouldn't I be worth like a two pigs? But if you're like a peasant's hot daughter, it's still a pig. I'd rather a noble toothless goblin.

You would get a fat and sow though. If you're a peasant's hot daughter, you'd probably get a fat pig. And as a girl, they'd probably be like, that's cool. See, in my neck of the woods, they work with goats. So I don't know how fat goats get. My neck of the woods for talking about Azerbaijan is very funny. is very funny. Yeah, I'd prefer a goat to a pig for sure.

Yeah, ghosts give you milk. There's more, there's more happening with a goat. You can fuck a goat. With, um, true. What are, yeah. What are, yeah. Replaced your daughter. What do you say?

You said you could fuck a goat. I said, you can fuck any animal. True. In arranged marriage, would there ever be like, if you're not like status matching, would you ever make up the difference with an animal? I don't know why I'm looking directly at you. No, I'm gonna.

The shades are hiding in your eyes. Yeah, I'm actually staring into the east. I'll say it's my parents were arranged marriage and the way that it worked is my dad grew up in a very poor village my mom came from a rich family in Bangladesh But he got to America. So that was his trade-off like oh you get to America you get the hot girl of a rich family And then you bring her family to America that's not that was a trade-up Work harder yes exactly so he he came in he got to America and they're like oh here's an anchor bear Oh man it was it was he had to he had to like he went to engineering school in DACA which is a He just rode a goat

He was just rode a goat For a month and a half Onward to the bearing straight It was actually the life of pie was based on my dad The wife of pie The wife of pie The wife to buy The life of cream pie when he gets to America

So he damn, that's a sick deal. Get to America, get the babe. Yeah, you got the hero's journey. Yeah, it's something to aspire to. It's like, oh, my question is, are they legal? Hey, thank you for asking. So he got here legally. Legally, yeah, yeah. Damn, that's hard as hell. Why the hell couldn't she get here? She's rich. Well, yeah, like girls can't. Oh, they can have ideas over there. My Yeah, yeah, yeah, they just, like, I have an idea. They just, when my, my, they just learned people. She didn't learn dreaming. Let a poor guy dream for you. Yeah, you'll marry him.

My mom told a story about how when she was younger, she like kind of dated the guy across the street from her, and then her brothers found out, and they punished her by taking her out of school. You stop teaching her? Yeah, yeah, I think she went to, she ended up going to college, and she's a dentist now, so she figured it out. I mean, hey, you say that, but check that out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Arranged marriages never get divorced. Yeah. Almost never. Really? Yeah, yeah. Are they not allowed? No, they're allowed, but it's like, it's sort of like this is the way, so they call it, there's arranged marriages and love marriages, that's what they call it.

And in arranged marriages, you're sort of faced with the person and who they are immediately, so you have to learn to love them. In a love marriage, there's passion and that fades over time, and then you get to know the person. Right. And that might change. So it's like, you come at it with a different mindset. And do you think the arranged marriage, like the goal, is to have children.

And bring families together. So then they recognize it like they kind of have to lay down their desires for the greater good of the family and communities. So then they work together as a team rather than people that are anti-girl boss. Absolutely. Yeah. It's an Asian thing. Asian that's like you work for the whole culture.

But you know, the nail that sticks out gets the hammer. That's what they say in those cultures. So you got to like, we got to work for everybody. What about arranged divorce? That'd be sweet. You got to get the goat back. Wait, we want the original goat. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Give us the original one. Give you the goat back. Goat's like 23 years old and barely walk. Kill me. I mean, it is a funny idea to think you're gonna like, as a young person, stare at a person and go, yes, this is total, this is like, you know, I know. The elders obviously know better how to mash you up. Yeah. And it's kind of tight, man.

I don't know. The idea of arranged marriage, I've always thought it was cool. Well, the idea, the arranged marriage is how everyone did it forever up until recently. Like, question. Even like the American, like, yeah, go ahead. How do they decide the arrangements? What do you mean? Do they just, like, put names on dice and roll them?

No. So, we're talking about thousands of years of, like, culture. Yeah. They have a method. Oh, fuck me for asking. Sorry I didn't ask my friend. They write their names on. Chicken bones.

Maybe it's a fire or maybe on the wind blows and that's where they go find their one. Maybe I'll chat GPT because there's no judgment with my question. So here's how it works now. It's like it's like a vestige of that where it's not like they're not forcing people to get buried anymore. But they'll give the girls something called like bio-dattas and it's like a picture of the guy's face and all his stats. Like height, weight, what he does, what he likes, what kind of family he's from, where it's a dating profile. So it's like, it's like, Indian pop the balloon.

Yes. It's like if you don't pop the balloon, you get married for life. I thought you know a classicist, like you would love this. What? You're an old classicist. I thought you would love this. Back they did in the good days. It was meant to be done.

So what would they do prior? They would take the lady by her hair and go, get to you and get to . And give me that, Clint. My mom, my mom, Chop, chop, my mom walked into her wedding. do her wedding. He's one of those. Isn't that a show on TLC? Yeah. What did she do to a wedding? She like, so she met my dad. They're like, oh, we're kind of like, yeah, I like this guy.

Like this is we're kind of compatible. And then, oh, I can get to America, all that sort of stuff. And then, yeah, she walked and the next time they met, she was like, oh, this is my wedding. She's like, realized like, oh, I'm getting married. Has she ever been honest about like her feelings in that moment? Like, was she initially attracted or would she like, uh, like, how did that work out? I think at first she was like, oh, but then I mean, she's, understood. Yeah, understandably, but... You're in such a crazy situation. But, like, she loves my dad.

My dad's a good man. So it's like... Yeah, yeah, yeah. He funded her dream. So it's like, she kind of lucked out. That's kind of like such a better love story than, you know, like... Oh, yeah. It's like, there's such a cute old couple.

They go, they go hiking all the time. Like, they do like 10 hour hikes together. I love that. I want that. That's nice. Yeah, yeah. Put my bio dad out. Yeah.

And I will say, because they're arranged, there's more like those rough times. They're like, really try to make it work. Like there's no, they're not trying to like get out. Also, you kind of have customer service because you can just both call your parents

and like, what the fuck? Yeah, what the fuck, dude? You got HR in your own way. It's not your fault. You can just be like, yeah, what the fuck are you guys?

Yeah, and I bet the advice you get from the parents since they went through it is way more like on the level and just logical than going with like feelings and having like two families that have never dealt with the same time. Otherwise,

it's just you're drunk at a bar one night and you go. I think I'm gonna fuck it. I love. He also likes hiking. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're going to make it. It's just, yeah, I think it's just equally kind of a crafty. Interesting. I was guilty of multiple skin care crimes.

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When I was younger, I was like arranged marriages like never. Now that I'm older, I'm like, oh, I kind of see the, I see the value in it. Dude, yeah. Yeah, what's up? Do you qualify for an arranged marriage? Could you be arranged? As a comedian, there's not a lot of Bengali girls that would be interested. Yeah, yeah.

I'd have to be like famous. Right. For them to even start like, like right now, like. So do you aspire to be like Akash? I like. I'll say this. I'm not trying to... Better question. Do you inspire to be like a kosh like a year and a half ago? Yeah, prior to like six months.

He did nothing wrong. He did nothing wrong. Yeah, I'm not, I like, I'm not trying to... Hot wife is a kink, by the way. It's not king. Hot wife is a kong life. It's hot life. It's alpha.

But yeah, like, I'm not... Brat correction? I'm not like, I will say like, my, my special right now is doing pretty good, no Bengali people are watching it. And I asked, I asked my mom, I was like, they're not gonna be like too big. Is that one of those countries where if you put like the unlicensed music, they restrict it in that country? Do you ever do a YouTube video where you put like a song? Like, we're not gonna show this. No, it's not it's not like Russia. Fuck. Yeah. But it's like yeah, I would say, I would say I'm not like in with the culture yet.

Really? Yeah. I mean, I'm literally surrounded by white people all the time and a wall of blacks. If you've ever gone like a birthright trip? Tobolana, no, not yet. I'm gonna, I'm gonna go with my dad at one point before I die. Are you really? That's the third. Have you ever gotten dizzy and gone to a porta potty and think you've been on a birth rate trip? You tell me, oh, I feel like home in it.

It reminds me of my culture. You tell me though, and I don't know much about, you know, Bengali, but it's like, you're what do you, like, I'm an American comedian, I'm working. They need to see you like on TV or they're gonna make, no, I was gonna marry this fucking dad. Yeah, like you're a doctor in Bengali. you'll be like a cab driver in America. Like I aren't, isn't my status higher?

Isn't, no, but like, America is the, the, the foundational ground of like, what status is compared to Bengals? Well,

I'm not, I'm not gonna go marry some third world chick. Like, that's not gonna happen. Oh, so you want to let's already here. Yeah, I want a lady that's already here.

Well, it's like, let's be reasonable. Yeah, my man, my man, you ain't never going to get that third world pussy. Yeah,

I'm a penny stock guy myself. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, where's your wife? Oh, after she gets her polio shots, she'll be over here. I'm not looking for that. That's what I'm talking about, bro. Yeah, dude, it might be like investing in bitch coin at $100 or something. You could 10x on your wife.

You could 10-x on your wife. That's the best case scenario. I would be like, no schooling. Not a drop. Just make sure they got good teeth. Oh, dude. You could start asking the mothership to pay you a goats.

I was the third world no schooling wife and I would show her I would I would educate her myself with like Instagram reels how like mosquitoes are from like Satan. I would just do this fucking house. I would just do the thumb trick. I was God. I don't matter. We start living in America. We do so much good magic over there.

Yeah. Yeah. You're fucking up. Dude, you gotta go. You gotta go to straight village. Go to the straight, bro. Go to the motherfucking story.

Maybe, baby. But yeah, the awesome. Do they know about the JRE in? Banglade. Hit him with a link, man. With the three links. Times have a good clip. Yeah.

Even like a Bengali's American, bro. Like, what are you talking about? Yeah, that hasn't worked out for me. I mean, pretty much every guy. I stated one Hindu girl. That was interesting. But other than that, it's been most, it's been all white chicks. I read a book.

Well, you know. you know, life fancy lemons. You make lemonade. But yeah, I read a book about like older, like, you know, in India specifically wedding practices. And that was kind of like, yeah, as a young girl at like 12, your husband would be decided. And they would just be like, you got to live in their house. And you just live under your future husband's mother who would like kind of haze you and like see what you were made of and bully you. And if you got pregnant with a son, they would.

finally be like, hey, we love you. We love you. You had a daughter, they would be like, fucking bitch. They would like hate you. Being a firstborn son in a brown family, fucking sick. Yeah. Fucking sick, dude. They would be like, for real.

It'd be like, you were literally worthless. You'd be there like Cinderella style doing chores and you get pregnant. They'd like, let's see, it was a girl. They'd be like, ugh, you fucking piece of shit. Wow. Yeah. It's like being trans in the South. Get out.

I hate you. Yeah. Arguably worse. Yeah. If you're trans in the South, you can go somewhere. If you're just in that situation, you're just stuck with a mother-in-law that hits you. What about the women that are born in those scenarios? Can't have, could they like run away?

Is there like an underground railroad for, I mean, like, probably. Children. Yeah, right into a fucking brothel. Yeah, probably. Yeah. Are you talking about it? The end result is probably not great at all.

You know, those are free. No way. You're just going to go right into a fucking like, you know. There's no. No, like Bengali freedom fighters of like trying to free the women from... Well, I mean, now, now Bangladesh is way more modern. This is what we're talking about, like, older. I guess I was talking to you about your book.

Yeah, yeah. The book you said you read. Oh, yeah, no. That was bad. It was like in the early days. I'll say this. My mom is a third of nine brothers and sisters and she was the last arranged marriage. So like everything after that was like more agency and stuff.

Oh, really? Is that, you don't use that Dill Mill thing? Like, I heard something called Dill Mill which, like, kind of arranged. No, that's just, that's just Indian Tinder. It's not where, like, parents are on the hat, too, though? Well, I'll say this. Like, Dill Mill is, Dill Mill is Indian Tinder, basically.

It's like, it's for D. Oh, my God, imagine the D. Yeah. Yeah. Your phone has smoke coming out of it. It's all. It's crazy. All Bob's all the games.

I'm a start a car company that just runs all. No, no, just a hot phone. There's a bunch of boring Indian people. When you're creating your account, you put in female, goes, are you sure? Are you ready for this? So Dill Mill is Indian Tinder and like, I didn't know that.

In that, there are a lot of parents, not everyone, there's, but a fair amount of them are kids, the parents are running their kids account trying to find something. What? That's part of it. But you could just be, people. You could just be, you could just be in there. I was parents chatting each other.

Sometimes, sometimes. Sometimes. Yeah. What are you doing later on? Like when those pedophile honors act like children to catch Petapol's, but it's Indian parents. It's like Chris Hansen by the end you get married. Come over.

Come over. I would be making milking cookie. Sure. That'd be funny to a Chris Hanson show where there's no age of consent and the guy shows up and you go, yeah, here. You're illegally within your right. There you go. I'm still going to read your text messages.

Not so warning now, are you? Welcome to catch a husband. I don't know Dill Mill was, I didn't know that was a thing. Yeah, but that's still mostly just regular Dacey people. Can you go on Dill Mill and be like, no, I know I'm talking to the mother. I'm trying to smash you. I mean, most likely you're still, you're talking to the person. That's like that's what he's talking about is very rare but does exist.

So he's just like a landline on an app. Yeah. Yeah. What's the wordplay? What is Dill Mill? Is Dill Mill short for something? like dudes I'd like to milk or what's the cultural significance of the name I actually don't know it's probably something Hindi that I don't really I don't know Hindi very

well or Hindi at all yeah it's not the spice still's not a real prevalent spice and yeah and they probably don't call it deal it probably means something we could chat GPT it but I guess no I guess what's never really probably a lot more fun to speculate yeah yeah just make up an answer well we'll go well we'll never know those kind of hearts meeting parts meeting that's hard Oh, that's nice. Hearts meeting is nice, man. I like that.

What does Tinder mean? Get the elders involved. They come up with a nice nerd. Yeah, hearts meeting is Tinder. Tinder is what you use to create a fire. Yeah. You've been on the absent forever and you've never one stop to think what it means. That's crazy.

Not a lot going on up here. Interesting. Now what soul swipe mean? Hey, Tim, I retain semen, not knowledge. I think a backshot from my mind. Actually, I think Grindr is based on what your parents do and you tell them they gnash their teeth and weep. They gnash their teeth and weep.

It's what they think you should do and how you should die. It's making me sick. Dill Mill is kind of the opposite of grinder where a grinder like you can like there's like, they'll show you like how many feet away you are from somebody. Dill Mill they'll like send you people in like the UK and like they sell you people everywhere. Really? Yeah, yeah. There's a big people. There's a big like one of the things, one of the things, one of the preferences you can state that's pretty high is like whether or not you'd be willing to relocate.

But I couldn't join Dill Mill as a white. You probably could. Hmm. What would say, you know, I don't know. I don't know what brown person would be looking for a white person on Dillill. But you can, you can try it. Yeah. You can also go the true over out.

He didn't go Drew Do it didn't go blackface, but he also went like brown face kind of No, he went brown face. Yeah, he went brown face. Yeah, he didn't do black face. He did brown face. What about rebooting soul man, but as a, as brown face? So man.

Remember that movie? That's the one where he does black facing in Harvard. Yeah, yeah. And he learns what it's like to be a black guy. I'd have to think about that. The, think about that. The speech at the end is great. I can't wait on that just yet.

I'm not asking you to fund it. Matt, how about you executive? I'm tied up right now. I have a movie I want to make. I'm going to do, you know, Naliwood,

Nigerian Hollywood. You can make a movie for like 15 grand. So I want to write a movie and then have, I just write the script and have people in Nigeria, just film, star, the whole thing. And I'm going to put it out on my YouTube.

That'd be pretty sick. Just like a really wild soap. So wait, you would have them star in it. Yeah, I'm not going all the way over there. So I would, I would just have,

put it up on fiber or something. I would say, La Mare be a star of my knowledge. They would carry him around in Nigeria. He'd be the pig that gives him someone's wife. Wow. Wow. You marry my daughter.

New York one. Almer in zero. Who is born. Woo. Yeah. You guys really don't mess around up there, do you? Everywhere we go is like the cellar table. You never know where the bullet's...

You guys really are different breed up. Well, how damn. I think we made it to an hour. You guys... This was so fun time. Such a fun time. This is great. You guys fucking ruled. I'm grateful.

We're going to do it. We're going to do the Patreon next. If you guys want to stick, stick if you guys want to leave, totally fine. I'm here. I'd love to. Lamar, go ahead and drop the pig blood on Ian, please. Real quick, carry up. Yeah, running out of time.

Take your time. I'm going to take your time. I'm going to take a little break. We'll head into the Patreon. Thank you guys. Appreciate you. Yeah, thanks so much. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's secret podcast on Spotify.

Do it.