Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 600 - Hedonic Treadmill (feat. Joe List & Steve Rannazzisi)

Episode Date: February 26, 2026

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Support Joe @ https://www.patreon.com/tuesdays Go See Joe Live @ https://www.comedianjoelist.com/ Go See Steve Live @ https://www.steverannazzisi.com/ Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Go See Shawn Gardini Live if you want  @  https://www.shawngardini.com/live Yo0o0o. We got Steve and Joe at the Podes this week. Hot cast for you guys not gonne lie. Ep 600 but just another day in the office. Hope you're all having a good week. Please enjoy. God Bless. Valid on restaurant orders only. Learn more at bit.ly/GHEatTheFees Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/DRENCHED and use code DRENCHED and get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

The Wild Wild West. Now with the Spurs, Austin's team, I started a billboard. Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to start. I thought we were. No, that's fine. Austin's, I think, trying to take the Spurs of San Antonio,

which is, that'd be pretty sad. What, is they leased up on a stadium or something? I think it's just, I don't know. I think they're going to try to merge Austin and San Antonio like Dallas Fort Worth. How far away? I'm not too familiar. An hour and 10 minutes away.

It's not far. I mean, they didn't, yeah, Anaheim and L.A. have split. Yeah. They're not, they're different. It's got to. Yeah. Same with Seattle and Tacoma.

Yeah. So maybe we can't. Antonio. We were like, we were just ripping before this. Minneapolis, St. Paul. He gives the thumbs up and we're like, yeah, there's a lot of cities.

Wait, this is it? Oh, now we're recording for real. I do not know. We were fired up. Start again. Even Baltimore and D.C. are pretty close. Minneapolis, St. Paul.

Baltimore, yeah. Baltimore. Oh, no. No, before we started, you mentioned the guy with Tourette's at the Baftas. Why would you go to the Baftas with Tourette? He was nominated? He was nominated? I think he was a nominee or a former nominee or something like that. So it wasn't the guy presenting. It was a guy in the crowd?

Just yell. Yeah. No, if the guy, yes, the two people presenting were. I mean, if I had Tourette's, I would double up on my meds at the Baftas. Yeah, you have to hit it hard. That's what they do. They just spazz and yell the worst thing. Yeah. But is it always the N-word with the Tourette's? No. I feel like it's whatever you're hearing. or like whatever is commonly spoken around you. Like a parrot? Yeah.

Exactly. There's a guy behind him like N-WR-G. It's usually like a fucking shit bitch. And then like, you know. Yeah. Yeah. That was great, dude. That was great.

I experienced it once at like a hotel lobby breakfast or not lobby. I don't know why I said lobby, but a hotel breakfast there. And there was a lady and they warned us and that she has, and that she was doing that. But it wasn't the N-word. Yeah. No,

I've never had anyone at a show that has Tourette's, I don't think. that's ever yelled anything out or nothing like that. No. So I don't, yeah. That's probably late stage Tourette's. It probably start with like damn

and then it goes to like shit. And then all the way to. Pussy and then like stage one. You're like stage four. Yeah. When you're late at his way out. It's aggressive. It's aggressive.

I do have that. I think this is like an OCD thing. Like when I'm at a funeral or something where you just want to be like, jeez on her face, you know. You want to yell something. Yes. I think it's different.

Yeah. But that's the bad. Or if I'm in a room full of black people, which I try to keep to a minimum. But like it does come into your mind like, what if somehow I just yelled out the other word? Like it's in there. I've heard of people having that same concern where it's like an act like if you stand too close to the edge of a cliff, you're like, I could just jump off right now. Yeah. I think that's OCD.

Yeah. I also have it with people. I have like a not a urge, but the thought of like blasting someone in the face as they're walking by. Oh really? Just physical violence. But not like strangers. Yeah. But it's a second.

second of thought. That could be living in New York too long. I think that's a byproduct of that. I do the same thing with my like, I'm driving the left lane, driving families in the back. And I just some like, did you ever have a moment where you're just like, I could just rip it into the thing and flip everyone and do the whole thing? Yeah. But how does it feel like an urge is a question? Uh, not yeah. You but you're like, ooh. Yeah. Yeah. It is. You know, depending on how the vacation went or whatever. True. You know, just like, I'm done with this, dude. Don't press me. If you understand, I have everything right here.

That is all right there. You're fighting your wife for the kids in the car, just driving real fast. I mean, like, fuck it. Yeah. I'm gonna drive a night. And you can reach her seatbelt. Just unclic it and just like jerk the wheel. Dang.

Well, dude, thank you guys for coming. Dude, thanks for having. No, C is. This is amazing. I mean, this is just, standing up is good. I'm just starting to spread out. I'm telling you, it's just, it's all in your head. I think people think they're getting spoofed, but it's just, it's not a spoof.

It's just, it really is the future of podcasting. No. I don't. Clean. Yeah. It was what he talking about? How are we not in the future right now? It does look Tron like.

It looks like we're doing. Yeah. Yeah, we're going to take turns like running as fast as we can. Yeah. Did you guys, uh, is Prince Andrew? He's out of jail, right? He got out. They picked them up for like five hours.

Yeah. I was excited. Well, I don't even think they picked them up for what they, what everyone thought they should pick him up for. Yeah. They got it for like political misconduct. Or something like that. I thought he was going to jail.

That would have been crazy. Yeah, I mean, dude, he'd been the first prince arrested in like 400 years. And if he went to actual jail, that means people would be able to Fuck them fuck a prince. That's crazy, dude. Do you think he would be in with Jen? Did they have like Jen Pop over there? I think they would get to him.

I think they would get into it. He'd probably in protective custody, but they would get into him. Oh, well, yeah, they'd let them probably. It would be like a fun day for the- That's a fairy tale. Guys, if you guys are good, we're going to let the prince around them are so you guys can fuck him. The prince and the prisoner. by I couldn't think of a name of a fake author That's perfect.

Thank you. If I could have said FG Tenenbaum, it would have been cooler. I blew it. I feel like princes should get like their hands chopped off instead of going to jail. Yeah. It's something unfitting about a prince

in like common jail. Yeah. Cut their dicks off. Dix would be nice. Dix off. Unic making him a eunuch. So I didn't follow you close. He fucked.

He fucked kids, right? Oh. He's like one of the top suspect. I think he's like top suspect. He's, he, there's pictures. emails. There's like not a thing that they found that didn't have his fingerprints all all right. And the royal family stripped him of his titles, which leads me to believe that they can

probably see the unredacted stuff. Wow. So yeah, they did it before that. They stripped them of all of his like princely Duke status or whatever. Is there still a way he could become king? Like lineage, like, you know what I'm saying? Like if his brother dies, like, yeah, then is he the king or the or is the younger, is the oldest son the king? I don't know. How does that That's a great question. Because like now you've got to start looking for he's going to kill his brother. He's like, I'm going to go to jail for pedophilia or I kill my brother and I'm the king and this whole fucking thing goes away. That's not a bad idea, actually.

That's his only play right now. That's his movie. That's his movie for him. That's his move though. That's what he has to kill his brother. Unless he knows it goes otherwise he's got to kill his brother and then his nephew. And then you know. And then fire cannon at the citizens.

That'd be the last thing when they storm the castle. He'd have to fire upon him to calm them down. Why not? And draw little dicks on it. Do you fuck boys or girls? Girls, I think. Oh, okay. That's not so bad.

At least he's not fucking queer. He's not a queer king. Jeez. We don't need no queer king. That's the big whoop. I guess, yeah. I think those guys too, like when you're that wealthy, like prostitutes are just porn for you. Right.

So it's like you don't watch like porn hub probably. You probably just get hookers and then you get sick of those kind of hookers. They do like porn genres in real life. Yeah. Although I think only fans probably would have been. his favorite thing if he had not because you can get very specific on that. Yeah. And so therefore he'd be like, all right, I can kind of scratch this itch really well with what I'm finding here. Maybe I don't need to go out to the real world and fucking do horrible things to, you know,

real people. But I think it's the hedonic treadmill, if I may. It's just you and you, what's it at? I don't even know what that means. Well, Joe, please, Joe, enlighten us. Well, you know, you get used to stuff. So, like, you buy a big house and you're like, I finally got this You have a huge house, a beautiful house. Probably every once in a while, you're like, but I could use a fucking screening room. Yeah, I need a golf simulator room. You're gonna keep getting all the stuff.

And so that's the same with sex, I think. Yeah, you're a Butler and you go, Butler's nice, but I wish I kind of could have this guy forever. Yeah, I wish I had a boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I want a whole fucking. Yeah, yeah, nice, but what about a, you know, a guy I could have. There's no satisfaction.

I mean, even in my marriage, every time we have sex, now I'm like, pretend I'm my Uncle Doug. Yeah, yeah, yeah, cranking it up a little bit. That's probably due to like EEG habituation actually. What is that? Well, I'm learning so, dude, this is great for me. I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, learn about treadmills and EEGs.

Or your brain waves just like, like they get, they get used to like, if you see like, say the first time you see a naked lady, you're like, like, it's like that your brainwaves go crazy. Yeah, over time, they just kind of come down to like whatever. Yeah. So you got to constantly. I'm not me. I still see a naked lady. I'm like fired up, dude.

True. Right there. Oh, hey, no. Look at it. I'll squeeze the little test. I love it. I love it. True, but like, ass fired up as like a 14-year-old boy. No, I got two sons that are like, if they saw a naked lady, it's like,

it's over. I got to go to my room. I have to take a shower. Well, it's great when you're like 14, you can just get a heart on sitting thinking. You don't even look at anything. I could just be like, but it's crazy to me this generation. My son's 17 and 13. They never wear jeans anymore.

They always wear sweatpants. So, I mean, like, boners and sweatpants are the most embarrassing things for me. me growing up, like, you'd have to tuck it under the band. Like jeans, you had a little more thickness you can hide it. But like now it's like, no, yeah, I went to Catholic school. We had like one day out of the week, we had to wear our gym uniforms. Yes, we sit. Me too.

It was just, you would get hard in class. And it was just, fuck, dude, this is just these sweatpants are not not doing it. Yeah, and I would get hard, like clockwork before recess. Recess was like 10.23 at like 10.18, I would get a rager every time. We started recording it right around 1023. I don't know. I turn 40, so I like my boner. I got to like really budget my boners now.

Oh, really? Yeah, I can't be wasting them on like jerking off anymore. I got to save them up. I feel similarly. Similar, yeah. I'm still a little bit of an animal. I don't know why. Dude, it just came for me, man.

I was, I was. Maybe it'll happen. So confident. I could get bricked up, no problem. Now like I don't get bricked up, but I can't be out here fapin. You know, I got to save it all up every weekend. I save up because my wife and I have sex pretty frequently. So when I go on the road now, I don't jerk off.

Yeah. I've done that a couple weekends too. It feels good when you come home. Dude, you're like, wow. It feels amazing. And there's something about leaving an hotel room and not having this like disgusting crystallized towel for the staff to deal with. I know. When you leave a room clean, you're like, dude, I'm, you know. Unfortunately, this is not one of those weekends for me. This is a, you're not even in a hotel. Yeah, I'm in a condo, dude. I'm in a condo that's someone on Andrew Dice Clay is going to stay in next weekend. You know, dude, who knows? But yeah, I, I try. You feel good when you come home and you don't.

Yeah. When you feel like a real like I provided. I went out. I made money. I kept clean. I kept all everything inside of me and I'm getting to give it all to you right now. That's what it's all about. And supposedly that's beautiful retention is healthy. That's what I've heard. It's one of these alternative. I see. Yeah, I always hear it is. But then you always hear you have to come like 30 times a month for prostate purposes. That's the fucking. That's the problem. Jesus. Yeah. Yeah. They say you guys do it like if you don't do it enough. Well, if you don't retain, they say you just like drain all of your like, you know, minerals out of your body. Because apparently semen's like very nutrient dense. And you have to keep that in.

That's what they say. But then they're like, but if you don't. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Or yeah, just recycle it. But they, uh, they said that if you, then if you don't come enough, you get prostate cancers are saying. So yeah. I don't know, man.

I don't know what to do. Yeah. I haven't got any of that stuff checked yet. I'm, and I should. I'm supposed to get a colonoscopy on Thursday. Really? Yes. My first one.

But I'm... How old are you? 49. I'll be 49 in July. Whoa. I thought you supposed to get them earlier. Yeah, I know. You should have holding it off.

Yeah. And now everybody's dying. Eric Dane died and the other guy who James Vanderby. He died. So I'm like, this is got to get done. Yeah. And that's an easy one to treat, apparently. It's just...

Yeah, you got to go early. Pour a little out for old JVB. This episode is brought to you by Grubhub. Let's just riff for a second about the joy of ordering takeout and the the heartbreak of realizing at checkout how expensive delivery and service fees have gotten. And honestly, this is a personal issue for me. I'm pretty passionate about this. The average fee on an order over $50 across delivery apps is about $13.

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And I eat nothing but like French fries and burgers and shit. I used to get colonics. That's used to stick a tube up your ass. It's like the same thing as a, and they shoot water up there and it cleans out. You see the other stuff come out, like French fries and shit like that. How does that work though? Is that like the same way when you clean a fish tank that you create like a vacuum? Yep, exactly.

So what they do is like you literally, it's like two tubes going in and then one pushes the water and it just like it's like a and the other one shoots it out. I don't know that this is healthy. It was happening all the time in the like the early 2000s. Everybody was getting colonics to lose weight. Right. Yeah. Apparently there's a bunch of just like shit inside. Yeah.

There was like full like full like half eaten french fries which would come down. I swear to God like stuff that you could see what it was, the food that you ate. It was disgusting. Don't we turn into like probiotics, though? Yes, and then you got to eat probiotics. You take pills because there's good, you know, bacteria and bad. Do you feel, is it? Like, I know people who did.

I always assumed it was kink. No. No, no, I don't think so. Like, people would tell me I was going to die if I didn't get it. Yeah, I know. I remember, like, you eat terribly. You should definitely get the, like, I was like hanging out with a lot of actors then. So they were like all getting colonics.

Right. No comedian friends of mine got colonics. But now it's like, fasting is like the new colonic. Oh, like intermittent, yeah, 48 hours. 48 hours. Crap. Yeah. Have you ever done

anything like that? I've done 24 hours for fun, like as a gag, like 20, like 10 years ago. But now Lewis Gomez is a guy that's like, sorry, he's like eating every other day and stuff, which to me is like an eating disorder. People are like, ah, eat three times a week. I'm like, yeah, you have an eating disorder. Yes. I mean, you know.

You feel good, though. I did a four-day fast one time. Four days. Four day. For what purposes? Just it was like me and my brothers and cousins had a group tech. So we just all see you go the furthest. So my brother didn't drink water for I think 72 hours.

He said his vision just got blurry. He thought I was going to die. Wait, but you're supposed to drink water, right? During a fast. There's a whole other thing called dry fasting where they're saying if you like, if you don't put any water in your system for you can do it for like two days. And your body just like, I don't know, flushes shit.

out. I don't know how it works. Really? I thought you just become like dehydrated and I did one day. It was no problem. I did four days. I would say two's a sweet spot for by the fourth day. You just feel like decrepit. But I was like working out and stuff fasted and like you really don't need as much food as I think people say. I could drink lemonade for three days in a row. Just lemonade. Yeah. That would count. I've done that. I think I've done that before with no water in between. Just straight lemonade for that would count. Did you see the Seinfeld Epstein email? No way. It was like I believe, I don't know, if you can look it up. But it was like Jerry and Jessica coming over, they want lemonade.

And I believe lemonade was in quotes. I could be wrong about that. But it definitely said they need lemonade. Really? I didn't know he was in it too. Yeah. Well, he must get pissed on, I think. Lemonade.

Oh my God. I don't know. I don't know. That's one thing is. I don't know. I'm not even one of these guys. Jerry. But no, that's.

But I mean, that would be amazing. Also, why would you air quote the secret term, though? Because he doesn't, I mean, is Jerry. Seinfeld. Who wants? But I don't think he was sending it. Did you find it? Yes.

It says Jerry and Jessica Seinfeld are going to be sailing. Can I organize for them to come to the island for lemonade? And is it in quotes? All right. I made up the quotes. Okay. Maybe Jerry just doesn't drink and he's like, all right, he'll have lemonade. Yeah, that's fair.

That's totally fair. Yeah. Want some lemonade hanging out of pedophile? You know, thirsty. It gets hot out. I know. This guy must have had the great. greatest shit though like boats and like planes yeah that's what you have to go with now if you

that that's your only connection be like it kids too yeah i mean yes you got to steer away from anything that's cool about kids you just got to be like he had a great plane he had the best boats well the question is is like when was the email sent because there's the pre-conviction and then oh yeah yeah there are people like the guy on oh that's sister that's year 2009 was a conviction i think or eight or time even earlier Yeah. Eight? 2008, yeah.

Yeah. And there's plenty of guys that are going back and forth after that. Yeah. Plenty. Because I think the conviction was sealed. They did like a sealed thing. So like everyone named in the case, it was like buried. And he just got like, you know, soliciting an underage process.

Did he do time? Did he go to jail? I thought I saw a mugshot. I think he just did house arrest. That's why he was stuck in New York City. Wow. And that's when people started like would still come and heck. Bill Gates went and got, you know, fundraised from Jeffrey Epstein.

was the weird one when it was like I was just looking for money so dude you're a billionaire why would you need to talk to a pedophile about money like why why now but who knows you that's the other thing too though the flip side of this is people just being like yeah that guy's clearly they pedophile now he's in the email pedophile yeah it must be there's something kind of fucked up about that honestly yeah no it's not good i mean i'm friends with a lot of people that do a lot of things i'm not really those things yeah you can be friends i'm not going to name names We all have friends that have done horrible things. Yeah.

Yeah. But I don't know, man. Would you, would you, if someone was a convicted pedophile, would you still? Well, I mean, I know in a very, I don't want to, I mean, oh boy. Just mark the timestamp now, just in case.

Yeah, we're not live, right? For the text later. But, like, Reap is in trouble. John Reap's in big trouble, dude. Really? Oh, yes, dude. He's going, like, he's on house arrest now, I think. But, like, he was a good friend.

And, like, we hung out. and you never knew, but like, yeah. But that's fair. That's before. And so, but yes, yes. The question is now. No, I did not Facebook message him after the. Not going to visit for lemonade.

No, no, dude. I want to go, bro, let me come over for a glass of that cold, cold lemonade. You know you make it the best. No, because I've been paranoid about it because I don't think I've sent any horny emails to anybody. But now I'm like, bro, if I sent one to a pedophile. Well. Yeah.

Fucked. Yeah. I'm done. Kiss it goodbye. And you know they're going to flip on you, dude. Kiss this. Kiss this. Kiss this.

It's goodbye. They'll flip on you too, dude. You know, if they get in trouble, they'd be like, yeah, the Pito's going to be like, well, I talk to McCusker a lot. Dude, that fucking shit he did where he sent himself, he would send himself emails. Yes, you're covering their own tracks. Really incriminating shit about other people. Epstein did?

Yeah. Yeah. Smart about it. I mean, but it's also like, why? Is it? Whoa. Whoa. There he is.

No, dude. Maybe we should change the topic. I think he's cool, dude. I think it's fine. I think those are just allegations. Not necessarily true. That's a wrap. We got to be careful about who we

That was crazy. Who we blaspheme on this podcast. I know, man. It was, yeah, it's got everyone, you know, it's a craze right now.

It's like McCarthyism, but just pedophiles. Yeah. Everyone's trying to figure out who's a pedophile right now. Well, that was Metzger came in last night. Oh,

gave you the day. I asked him a question of the night. One question. I said, was Nick Fuentes the head of the proud boys? And he was like, no. Then he broke it all.

I was like I sent him down some sort of spiral that he was like, what are you an idiot? Like I have explained everything. Yeah. I don't understand a thing he's talking about. You can do a good 45 minute talk. Yes. And not. And like Brazilian jiu jitsu you verbally.

Like you're like I got to try to. Yeah. Or the worst. You know about like the medieval people conspiracies right? And I'm like no. No. Yeah. Right away.

He's like, well here's 30 seconds on that before I get into the next thing you don't understand. You're like, what are you talking about? But I love him. But it's like. The scolding is the worst. I feel like I disappoint him. He's like you fucking, you don't know about that.

But now I feel like, dude, he's right. He's been talking about it. He's been trying to get someone to listen to this. And now he's, you know, a lot of the shit's right. Yeah. I don't know about the eating children. No, that's why I draw the line. Yes, that's, yeah.

I'm not sure. He tried to get me into that. And I was like, I can't do the eating. Yeah. What's the proof? What's the proof that they did? Yeah. Really, do children, do you think they would taste good?

Well, if you look at it, veal tastes good. Every baby animal is the best tasting version of that animal. I wish you didn't make the best point I've never heard. I was the worst. I was like, I'm trying to go down the road of like, if you're gonna eat, eat another big person, like another. The cannibalism. This salt disturbed me very badly the other night.

I was laying awake and I was going to think about lamb. I like, I like, why is it? It's a baby, but it's so delicious. Yeah. Babies are the most delicious animals you can eat. Just tabi are. Isn't that fish eggs? It's an egg, yeah.

The baby, the tiniest of all the babies. And they're the most expensive. Yeah, dude. And they're the best. I have to have a two-year-old at my rental house right now. Fire up the grill. Let's see how this thing taste. Ooh, LIS babies is delicious.

Or you could eat the meat of like a warrior's thigh for like religious purposes. Yeah, that, you know, you know, that feels like... After you rip his heart down and throw it down the steps, you could eat a small sliver of his thigh. But you know what though? The eating of the babies makes so much more sense now because like, progressives are like supposed to be like poshy people and it seems I could just see them all slicing up a little piece and just tasting it and being like, hmm, delicious, you know. Locking into my fitness, pal.

Yeah, like that's how they probably got caught. They're probably trying to upload the macros. Yeah, like how many calories are in a baby's thumb. You know, like whatever you're eating? You think they suck the baby's thumb for a little bit? Oh, God, man. I mean, it's terrible. But I never, until you said the thing about how great little things taste.

Yeah, well there's also the whole adrenachrome thing and like stem cell babies have a lot of stem cells There could be like health I can't get on board with it. I cannot believe I'm not I'm not like it seems like you're trying to convince me No well that makes more sense if you're killing a baby for the stem cells to refurbish yourself or whatever Yeah keep yourself and you're like you all as well eat it Yeah why waste motivation is the stem cell and then eating it is sort of like its own well the I saw a video and they said they like they would impregnate ladies and have them like get abortion and they will eat the fetuses for all the stem cells so they can stay young. Wow.

Wow. So, like a picture of a baby like. Unredacted? I mean, the senders and recipients are redacted, but there's like, why are those people redacted?

Yeah, that's insane. Those are the people. It must be the victims, but for some reason it's the baby. The people that ate the baby. A lot of laws in doing that, apparently, according to Nick Brian.

Yeah. Well, I can see that. Well, the million dollar. question is if they get busted doing like hard you know satanic you know symbology then that leads to maybe they were eating babies for ritual stuff but if you look at the there was a weird temple on the island so it's like why would you put that on there so yeah does this end is it over now or you think it's like under underground now like they have to go really underground I mean it's

it's billionaires man billionaires have so much money it's like that's you know it's one place they can probably dig all right let's switch it up and but I don't again I don't I'm a I'm with you. I don't know if they're eating babies. I don't want people, I don't know, I think like to assume like, yeah, I knew they're eating babies. The problem is that like they were right about some of the stuff that we were like, no way, dude. And now it's like they're trying to get us over that baby eating bridge. And I don't know. I mean, they practice cannibalism still in different parts of the world. So if you're like a global citizen like these guys were, that's why the age of consent is not a real thing to them.

It's not shocking to them. Yeah, because they're going, dude, I can just fly to Thailand and do this. So like if I have my own island and I'm going back and forth to Thailand, I might as well just be a petter ass on my island. I got to figure out how to make more money. I know. I'm going to get my punch up live. I got to get that thing chock full of dazed. More crowd work. You got a crowd working up. I got a crowd working up. Dude, get some vids out there.

Dying on a baby. I think that's dying, though. I think the crowd works down. I think so. It feels like it. Really? I think so. Yeah.

What's the new, what's the new wave, though? That's the question. Props. Props. Prop comedy. Prop comedy clips. It would be nice. I've been doing the Sora. You know that the 3D, I mean the AI, like you could just, you could

make yourself do anything. I've been using that as provo. That's like people and people hate it because they're like using AI AI or whatever, but they're easy. They're fun. They're stupid. And they're, you can literally put yourself in any situation in the world. Yeah. It's, it's sick. That's really bad. You could. I mean, maybe not. No, sometimes. One time I was like, I was going to do a joke about my son wants abs or whatever. And I was like, maybe I'll animate see if the joke works and they were like, no, no, no, no, nothing. No kids shirtless, nothing like that. So there are parameters. Yeah, yeah. I've been, every video I make, I do, I go make me a ripped 50 year old man and it's, it's seamless, dude. I get fooled by it

all the time. I do what? Did you do one recently where you're skiing? Yeah. Yeah, I got, I was like, damn, Renazizzi's Jack. I get fooled. I'm telling you fooled every time I see things. I'm like, I know. I get like, family members being like, what are you on TRT? Like, what are you doing? People think it's real. It's so fucking, it's amazing. I've seen the one where you can make two people kiss. That's yeah. That's at Skag Fest and I thought that was real. Yeah. It was like Aaron Berg and Lev Fur. You can make him kiss. Yeah. And they were just making out.

And I was like, what are you guys doing? Yeah. They're like, ah, we're at Skank Fest. And I was like, Jesus. That's crazy. And then you realize the real you comes out? I'm like, I'm not into this. Yeah, yeah.

That's not me. Yeah. Dude, me and, me and LaMere were in, what was it, Salt Lake City and Boise, Idaho this weekend. And we know, I think we're in Boise. We're walking and we passed this bank called Zion Bank. We're just joking with each other. I wonder who owns that establishment.

Just having a good laugh, innocent laugh with each other. And as we turned the corner, they were surrounded by Palestinian protesters. And I was like, damn, that must have sucked. If you were a Jewish banker,

because it was literally Friday, like 6 p.m. Weeks finally over, TGIF. And you come out to your mortal enemies. Yeah, right there. That would fucking, that would suck. I know.

I was thinking about that. We're like, damn, that would stink, man. on a Friday, yeah. You're just a Jewish banker. Yeah, damn it. Yeah, they're just holding up

fucking big billboards. What were they there for? They're just because they hate protesting. Protesting. Yeah. Just the country or is you real? I didn't ask. I was like,

this is none of my business. What are you into? What's your real beast? Break it down for me. I had a show to do, man. I was, you know,

it's none of my business. But I walked past. I was like, damn, it just does not seem, it doesn't seem like a pleasant thing to walk out to you. No,

that would be a bummer. Yeah. Yeah. it also takes, I walked around when the whole thing was going on. And originally with October 7th with Ari, we were on a tour. We went to some colleges and they were protesting there. Oh.

And he would just walk around and fuck with people. Just like he was very, he didn't take it obviously seriously. But like I felt bad. I was like, dude, we shouldn't be here right now. Like you're like they're swastikas around. Like they were like they were getting hardcore. Damn. Yeah.

And he was, you know, he, you know, Ari. But like I was I was like, oof, this is this feels horrific. They were swastikers on the college kids? I mean, they were like, yeah. I mean, they went all the way, dude. Yeah. Were they the college kids or are they just like... College kids and then like, you know, sort of like whatever the people that come to protest with them or whatever.

Yeah. But yeah, it was like... Dang, I don't know that it was that bad. Oh, it was horrible, dude. I went... One time, remember Michael Sam, the football player, Missouri? Yeah, the first open guy guy guy. I was in...

Where was Missouri? Columbia or Columbus? Oh, the college? Columbia, Columbia, Missouri. So I was doing the club in Columbia, and this was like right at his time. And the Westboro Baptist Church people, which I had never heard of the Westboro Baptist.

That's the, I'm saying that right? Yeah. Yeah. I thought these were just like community people, but they were all protesting and it was like, go home, homo, and all this stuff. Yeah. And, you know, I was a good progressive guy.

I was like, fucking, I was at Tommy Johnigan. I was like, drive by there. I'm going to give them what's for. And so I was like leaning out the window and I was like, fuck you, you fucking bigoted. And I just yelled. I was like, you fucking,

Copsuckers. Because I couldn't think that was like the most fucking muted thing I realized as we buy, I'm like, they probably think I'm on there. It's side. Yeah. I'm like, oh, hello.

Like, I couldn't. I was trying to hurt them. Yes. But I'm like, you are the one of us. I don't know if we could say that on this. That's, no, that's, I still, that's like my level 10 angry.

If I get very angry, it just flies out of me. Sure. I'm like arguing with stranger. usually from my car, that's unfortunately. Much better than the N-word. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I would like to think so. Yeah. Yeah. We're the good guys. I like to think so. You can rattle one of those out of me if you get me angry enough. Yeah, but it was definitely, I remember sitting back in the car and being like, oh, that wasn't great. That my finest moment right there.

But also, I think like the West Bar, are they still around those guys? Yeah. I think they still are protesting. We lived in Philly. We would see them all the time near where we were living. And we would go down just kind of watch them do their thing. Those dudes just rip. Yeah, they'll start roasting you.

If you're, if you're standing, they get like the sense that you're kind of like laughing at them. They'll just zero in on you and be like, fuck you. Nice hat. You piece of shit. They'll like come at you. Really? Yeah. They get like specific.

Yeah. He got shit. Me and Shane were standing there years ago. And he was like, Notre Dame fucking sucks. And he just kept talking. It was literally. Ironically, they're similar to black people. Yeah.

They like to roast. They like to rip on people. You guys go on. Come on. Come on. Why are you just roast each. Yeah, that's not bad. You should have them on. Yeah, you got the podium. You got the podium right here. It would be nice. I like to have West Barrow and or West Bear, whatever it's called, and Black Israel. They'd be. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like I'm shaking this. It's okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like they'd be a nice match because they are essentially the same beings like same thing. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, they're like passionate. Yeah. They're both passionate. Yeah. They're also like, it's like, it's like, uh, like, like, religious.

just edgillard. It's like they're like to that's like to the max. Yeah. Just being like yeah, I don't like sept homosexuality. And you just scream fagging at people. Do they fly like, do they fly like together to the like like they're saying? Yeah, that's what I'm wondering. Like do they like have like what do they all go like if something happens in Cleveland? Do they all fly to Cleveland to protest? There's like local. There's local chapters. Yeah. Yeah. I've never seen a Westboro chap anywhere I've been. But I mean, I've never sure there are people. on a plane. I think they're foot travel primarily.

Yeah. Foot or. Yeah. Or train. They could take a train. I never seen one on a train. Yeah. That's true.

Yeah. I think I don't know. That's just the air thing. Okay. Yeah, we're fine. We're fine. Yeah. Yeah.

It's changing the topic again. Yeah. Enough with that. They can travel however they like. Yeah. No, I never. Yeah. Those scream political guys are nice.

I like them. There's something about them that is kind of fun. It's just so ridiculous. But it feels like like what's that word? Theater? Like what's that thing called? People like they do shit out in the street. Performance are.

It feels like performance are. Or they actually just psych? Like how that's what I was saying. How into it? Like if it's not something that really hits them, like I guess all these issues hit them hard of like these gays are getting married or whatever. Yeah.

Like do they give it their all every time they go? or is it just sort of they, you know, you phoned it in after a while. Like this is what we do. This guy seemed like he was kind of phoned it in a little bit. Yeah. He was doing the thing, but it didn't, it didn't seem like he was, you seen the guys before in Vegas. They're like, you're going to hell.

Yep. He seemed like he was just kind of like. Dialing it in. Yeah. Yeah. Torturing people. You're probably going to hell, but if you don't, that's fine. It's cool.

Yeah. This guy's an idiot. Yeah. No, he was definitely, he was ripping. But yeah, dude, I, um, we were in Salt Lake this weekend. I didn't know, there was a theater that's no alcohol. Oh yeah completely dry theater It was fun but I was like

I never seen that before could you drink I don't really drink I didn't so yeah but it was like an option if you wanted to Or whatever no you couldn't no not seeing the audience I probably could like backstage or whatever yeah yeah But the whole audience no bar service nothing weird Yeah and you didn't know that before I died the day I got there How do I make money? The door

The door but I mean you gotta get some of that but I mean like Where's their concessions? They hurt me yeah They heard me that. But no, it was, you know, I don't know. That's what I was trying to figure out. I'm like, what the fuck? Popcorn?

You know? I think they did have so much. Yeah. Keep it going. The mill run. That's crazy. No alcohol. I don't know.

I almost, I've been thinking too, like, I think they, I think we should do something now where it's like, you know, we have rehab. But we should have like a almost like an all inclusive thing for alcoholics to relapse within. You know what I'm? saying? Like, if you're like, I'm getting the itch and I can't stop it. It's like, all right, you got to go to, it's like the opposite of rehab where you just fucking rage for like a month. Hey, that's not bad. It's not a bad idea. But they're not out. They're like contained. You're like contained. Yeah. Yeah. Everyone they got you got, you got people that can like pull you put you to sleep. But you get to just move for like. Get it out of your system. Pretty interesting.

Because there's no, no phone. You can't text the X. You can't go cheat. No, it's like, yeah. Totally clinical. But you would still put like Margaritaville. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're going to feel the old feelings. You're going to get that old thrive, that joy back. But wait. You go and visit you. What is that like, what's that last week when you got to weed them back off and get them back into like,

send them back home and to react. That's going to be, that's the tough part. You could stage like a, like a, you know, like a vehicular mass loss. Oh,

like you're outside of fucking cobble wobbo and all of a sudden, three hookers just slit your throat. You're like, wait a minute, wait a minute. Hold on, hold on. I take it back.

I'm good. I'm going to dial it down. Start to bring it down no more lines This could be something this could be your ticket to billionaire. I mean yeah, that would be pretty cool and this is you're like an expert So yeah, I mean I'm like something of that I got me a what do you call it? A test case a consultant Uh That was all those moment like did I just say a crazy word that I didn't know Everyone stopped. I was like I was like I was waiting for the word you're saying I was like geez did I do you keep them right next to rehab so it's just like hey man

Yeah, yeah A or B. Just have it out and you get tired, come over here. And then eventually I think people might be like, I'm going to stay over here. But I think that only works for people who have been sober for a while and then just want to, how are feeling it again. I don't think to get sober,

you just send them back to like, this is the last stand. Like this is going to be your last sort of, yeah, the last ride. Yeah, I guess the beginning guys, you couldn't give them like an all-inclusive. No, because they're going to be like, this is the, we're never leaving.

We'll take it over. True. You know, we'll storm. Their insurance will run out. You're like, all right, you're done. It's true. Yeah. Insurance is ran out.

Sorry, dude, your HMO sucks. You got to go. You go drink wine in the street. I just like any time someone's thinking outside the box coming up with new things. So I appreciate the idea. I think it'd be cool. Yeah. That's a good idea.

I think there should be gyms at the airport. Dude. I think RFK is trying to do that. Oh, really? Yeah. He's trying to make the airports healthier. He's trying to like change the shitty food. Yeah, but he's, hey, you'd be to do it.

We lost already when they put massage places in before they put gyms. Like if you're going to choose between just laying down and getting a nice massage or taking a nap or going to the gym, I think most people are going to go take that nap. I don't see people hit massages at all in the air. I've seen the tables. I've seen maybe like two people actually get really. Yeah. I see people in there all the time. Do you really? Those little chairs. Yeah, I mean, in the afternoon and stuff, not early mornings, but like in the afternoon. Sometimes it's a long travel day and you're like, I'd like to get some pushups in, but you look like a fucking psychopath. Even if there was just a real San Francisco airport has a yoga room, which is something.

Yeah. That's just a little bit. bizarre to be doing yoga to me. But let me like, let me knock on a few pushups. Yeah, if you could do that. I can walk the airport, get the legs going. That's right. You're going to start, you're going to look like a psycho if you start doing pull-ups and push-ups or something like that. But I've seen people stretch to full body like, you know, yoga poses and stuff in the

middle of like the areas and stuff. I can't do it. I can maybe, I can hit like a hamstring, like touch my toe stretch. I can't do like the downward. I couldn't do like downward dog or like. No, but I could loosen up my hips. I would like that. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, my, this is one thing's I'm most jealous of people. The people that just aren't completely embarrassed to do things publicly. Yeah. Like, I see people like doing yoga

just in a public space. Yeah, you're like in a park. And I'm like, I feel like such a fucking self-conscious. Everyone's looking at you right now. How could you not know that and be fucking self-conscious about that? Yeah. But it's a freedom they have.

Yeah. I think it's from... I think it's growing up in New England and then being a comedian. Well, it's also having a family. I'm like, am I standing okay? You've had a family. Like, what are you doing? Yeah, yeah.

What the fuck? Why are you trying to be different and comfortable? Yeah. No. I have to pretend I don't like movies that I like. Yeah. I'm like, that's fucking foreign film. Yeah.

I'm like this. I love it. My wife's family doesn't like, she's part Jewish. They don't like Matt Damon from that. What was that movie where he, um, with Brendan Frazier? Oh, school ties. School ties. Why?

Because he was so real in that as an anti-Semi that they were like, this guy's got it. in him. This guy has like real hatred for Jews in him. Like they have a real like that total disconnect from reality that they believe that Matt Damon is an anti-seman. Yeah, for real. So we all have to pretend that like Matt Damon's not cool. They must really hate Ray Fines.

I want an Oscar. He didn't lose notes. He lost the Oscar of Tommy Lee Joe's. I can feel people at home. No, he didn't. You didn't. You piece of shit. No, that's comment farming. That's good for engagement. Oh, good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Did he? No, that's great. I didn't know he had a movie where he was an anti-Semite.

Yeah, school ties. Yeah, that was the early one. Yep. Dang. Possibly pre-goodwill hunting. I think it was. Yeah. I don't think you do Goodwill hunting and get nominated for Academy Award and then I'll go play, I'll go play an anti-semise.

Yeah, true. Yeah, true. That's wild. It's wild. I wonder who produced that movie. School Ties? I don't remember. Yeah.

Yeah. Crazy if you just pulled out the producer of school ties. Yeah. Yon. Yeah. This is good. Yeah. Yeah, that's, because you never really see people, he didn't win in any awards for that role.

No, it was like a small role. Okay. It was like, he was like Jew Hater number five, whatever it was. Like that's like, really? Yeah, he didn't even have a name, I don't think. He's also encouraged under fire. He's real skinny in that one. Oh, okay.

Yeah, also early. By the way, someone just sent me a great goodwill hunting plot hole. And it was just a guy. It wasn't a guy with like, oh, I saw this. He had like 40 followers. Yeah. But it's a great point. The one about.

You say you posted about it, right? No, not, not mine. I had my own. Okay. Yeah, yeah, the car. Yeah, yeah. That one, people poking holes in. But the scene, the famous, you know the movie, right?

Yeah, yeah. The famous scene of, like, how you like me now? And he, you know, Matt Damon's, yeah, Ben Affleck's talking to the guy. And then he's like, he makes Ben Affleck look stupid. And then Matt Damon comes and makes him look stupid. And then the guy's like, yeah, well, your kids will be, you'll be serving my kids French fries. Why does he assume Matt Damon doesn't go to Harvard also? He knows nothing about him.

They're at a Harvard bar. Matt Damon just like dunked on him. He proves he's like an absolute genius. And the guy's like, well, you'll be working at fucking Burger King. Yeah. Why doesn't he make sense? He doesn't know what we know. Yeah.

Yes. Is it just the accent? I get, well, yeah, the horrible, selfie accent. I mean, I guess. Yeah. But like the Kennedys have accents. They're smart. Okay.

All right. All right. So this. You know what I mean? I mean, this is what we're here for with these podium. Okay, all right? Ladies and gentlemen, this is a piece of bad writers. So that was the plot hole that they all of a sudden knew that he wasn't.

Well, yeah, I mean, he's like, they're in a Harvard bar in Cambridge, and this guy walks over and is like fucking just rifling off all these. Hold on. Didn't before that he asked him, who did you have for a, like, didn't he mention a teacher? Did they talk about like, didn't you have this guy for, or was it a book? I think it was like a book. Yeah, because he's quoting a book to Ben Affling. Oh, you read this and that.

Okay. So what does that movie? I've seen that movie, but it was a long time ago. It's essentially about a guy who's white trash, but is smart. Yeah. Yeah. He's a janitor. Yeah, I remember that. He's a genius and he works at MIT, I think it was. Yeah, he cleans floors at MIT. He's a genius and he needs to be challenged. I mean, the whole movie's wonderful, but silly. Yeah. I mean, like, their original, you know, the original script was like, they were like, they solved the problem because aliens were coming down and stuff like that. Oh, yeah. Really? Horrific. Yeah, it was like really bad. Well, there's rumors that people, someone else kind of. Well, yeah, I think because they were, they were like, he, they went so far like he had, he was the only person that could figure out the algorithm to set the thing off that was going to kill the rocket that was coming down to shoot up Earth or whatever. It's like, I'm a good. Yeah. So I think they were going to that direction. That's also a weird.

That's a weird fantasy. I've like, it's a personality type. That's like there was this guy and he was really smart and only he knew the solution to the big problem and he saved everyone. I've like heard people do that before. Yeah. Well, that's never, that's never anything

I've ever fantasized about. It was way better the way it went, the way they chose to go. Yeah. Well, I think Louis had a bit about it too. It's like, Matt Damon wrote the movie. He stars the movie and like,

it's like he's like a badass who can fight and beat the shit on anybody. But he's also super smart. But he's also cool. And it's like, the guy has no flaw whatsoever in the movie. But he's a piece of shit. He like overcame everything.

and he can fight and he's cool and he's smart but we got to feel bad for him and yeah yeah yeah because he can't get it together with the hot chick whatever I like talking about so that's the big thing yeah you know because he was abused and all his stuff and then that's how Robin Williams gets involved he's the therapist gotcha just yeah is Ben Affleck in this movie though

oh yeah yeah yeah he's his best friend I think that's the only way he might know that he's not from Harvard is because you wouldn't have a gorilla friend like vet like fucking Ben Affleck coming over again like nobody else was like hey I you know from Harvard was like going to interject. He's like, I'll take the shit out of you.

Even if he doesn't go to Harvard, he's still clearly like a brilliant guest. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, yeah, that's true. No, you're right. He should have been like, why would I work at Burger King? I'm fucking... You're absolutely right, Joe. I mean, this is not my original point. What was your plot hole that everyone... I liked yours? My plot hole is they give him a car for his birthday. It's 20 for his birthday, buy him a car.

And then they're like, all right, we're not driving you around anymore. And then like two scenes later, they pick them up. Which someone pointed out, it could have been Saturday and they're going out to drink. But they weren't like, Oh, his car's not here. Like they're like, oh, he must be, like he's knocking on his door being like, where could he be? Like, how could he possibly not be home?

Yeah. But a bit of a car would be that his car is not here and the one you just bought him. That seems like a bigger plot hole. Thank you. I appreciate it. Fuck that other guy. Yeah. Yeah, he's a fucking dumb ass, bro.

Yeah, he sucks. I'll never be like Goodwill, honey. Sorry, I'm probably enough. My heart's racing. I had, um, my whole family does like demolition. I remember when I remember when I, I started stand-up, you know, I did stand-up for a couple years. I met a bunch of comedians in Philly. And then I quit stand-up to work in Demolition. And I was walking home from work

because I was, like, working in Philly. And I had to take the subway back to like where I lived. And I had like this, these like work overalls and I was all dirty. And I came off and saw all my comedian friends. And they were like, oh, man, where you been? I remember feeling so. Whoa. Yeah, I'm just working now, guys. I just like I, it was such a good feeling. Yeah. You feel like a fucking productive member of society, dude. No, I felt more like Goodwill hunting. I felt like a misunderstood, creative. Yeah, yeah. You're a genius. I remember just being like, I'm a genius, obviously.

I got to go work. It's a tragedy. I got to work for my dad right now. I can't do comedy open mics with you guys right now. So it's pretty cool. Yeah, I remember telling people my uncles are plumbers and I would go work with them. And then I would tell people like, yeah, I do plumbing. And they're like, oh, shit. Which is cool where I come from. Yeah.

But I just was like, wrench. I'm like, there you go. Like, I didn't know how to plum. I was a helper guy. I was like hand out tools and get yelled at. Yeah, yeah. Just standing around like this. I was an helper guy big time.

Yeah. I was never, anytime they were like, cut me a two by four, I needed 37, three quarters. I'd always be like, it's going to take me 20 minutes. I got it.

There's so many lines that have to be like, all right, the quarter or like the eighths and 16th on a tape measure. You're like, I try to rent on my own bathroom once. I bought a condo.

I was like, I'm going to do it myself. Because the demo part, that's fun. Yeah, ripping shit out and doing it away and stuff. But then like the plumbing part. It was like I got it, I couldn't get it right. I had to actually call a real

plumber to come over and finish the whole thing. It cost me a ton of money. And it sucked because I was like, this is not fun. Like I'm not how I'm not how. No, it sucks, dude. I'm never going to get good at this. I don't want to get good at this. It's just, I'm going to hire people. That's how it goes for the rest of my life. Plummers are going to be fear. It'd be like, it'd be like if someone was like, yeah, I had a big corporate party and I wanted to do the standout. Yeah, yeah, I know. I thought I was trying to do an hour, but it's way out of my life. I did four minutes. Yeah, plumbing. It's hard. The plumbing's the only trade I never, like, got to, like, help out with or try to do it.

I don't even know how water goes upstairs in my house. Like, how do you make that water go up? Yeah, I know. Like the pressure and salt pipes. Yeah, I guess. I don't know. But there's weird thing with water, though, like that, yeah, how to get it to, no, I don't know. My brother-in-law is an H-Fat guy.

And he just knows everything. Like, he went to school. Oh, really? Yeah, like he. Oh, what's everything, bro. It's amazing. Hold on. It's amazing.

Hold on. Whoa. This is friendship vibes right now. We got our clip. Purple friendship vibes. straight to the top, baby. Yeah, no. I used to do house painting and like 80% of the customers are pregnant ladies that are about

to have kids, you know, husband and everything because they get that nesting instinct. They want to just change the house around. So a huge percentage of the jobs, the husband had tried to do it, failed. And then we would come in to like fix it. And it was just, it was really demoralizing. You see the guy in there and he'd be like, yeah. up there and you walk in and she would be like all half on the ceiling all fucked up and it would be like the tape is still on there i yeah swastick is everywhere yeah using tape is kind of the guy my friend

i worked for he would call them tag tape users it was like it's kind of shameful it was i would frog tape the floor i tried to do all the ship of myself yeah and then you i hired an 80 year old greek man that came in with like one arm did the whole fucking he's my wife wanted uh um wallpaper on the ceiling We have wallpaper in our ceiling. Yeah. Nobody would do it. This 80-year-old Greek man did it in like an hour and a half and perfect and beautiful. I'm like, I couldn't, if you gave me 100 years, it would look horrible.

I feel like if you're using tape to paint, you should call someone else to paint for you. Yeah. Tape is like it takes so long and the chances of you not bleeding through and just fucking it up anyway. Yeah. No, I hire everything. Yeah, so do I. That's what real men do. I guess.

I mean, I feel like I, you know, you see your friends cutting their own lawns and shit and they look really nice. Like my guy cuts my lawn on Thursday. Some Sundays, it's like sometimes it doesn't look great. And I want to cut again, but I can't because I don't have the skills or a lawnmore. You can do the lawnmower. I got a lot on the lawnmower or the skills to do it. Yeah, I mean, it's, yeah, I wouldn't. If you don't have to do it, I wouldn't do any of that stuff.

One time I got, when I first bought my house, I got a ride on lawnmower. and it was awesome. The guy left it and I was driving around. I didn't know how it worked. I remember I, like, I would cut the whole grass and then I realized at the end I never put the mower part down. I never put the blade down.

I was just like a zamboni going up and down my fucking driveway up and down my lawn like smoking a bud, like feeling like a man, dude. Like this is pretty thick still, you know. Just drove over. Yeah, it just rode around with a fucking... But a lawnmower, a lawnmower is just like a shopping cart. Yeah.

You just hold it and, yeah, push it. It depends on how if you can get your lines neat. But then the edging, you know, the edging, all that stuff. Yeah, buy the trimmer and then the blower and stuff. Yeah, the weed whacking. They do it so well. Weed whacking sick. I used to do long care.

And being just the weed whacker guy, you hop out, someone mows, and you just get to walk and just go, yeah, it's fucking awesome. Yeah, a lot of hats. I did. I've had many, I've had almost every type of job you can possibly have. You're like the village people. I am. No, yeah, I had a dog walking.

Dog walking was cool. Dog walk. That was my favorite. I used to drive an old lady to dialysis three times a week when I first moved to Los Angeles. She was probably 90 years old. And she was funny, nice, you know, older lady from Brooklyn. And but she would, you know, dialysis is pretty crazy. Yeah, it's intense.

And so she would get, she would get like, she would get into my car. And all of a sudden, like she would rush. And she would, and start to bleed again. I'd have to drive her back. And she was like, I'm embarrassed and then I would take her to the store. She just wanted her and like, no, you're beautiful. Yeah, I was like, no, I'm like, I'm like, I felt responsible for this lady. You know, like you.

Come here, come here. We, I would take her shopping. Dude, it was like, we was like Tuesdays with fucking Mori her and I. Like we would spend all day together grocery shopping. She like buying like hair products and stuff. But she was like my grandmother, I would drive her around. for like, 10 dollars and out.

You did like home care pretty much. Home care. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I was like, and I was not equipped to do this at all. I was, you know,

I was terrified of blood. Yeah. And death. And I was like, this lady was her, her son was a manager, like a big time manager in Hollywood. I would say that makes you good for it.

I'm responsible. This lady dies on my thing. My career is over. It's over. I think that's a good candidate though. If you walk in for that job, I'm like, I don't fear death nor blood.

I'd be like, yeah, all right. Yeah, thanks for your resume, I want a little nervous Nelly in there, dude. I fear neither death nor blood. Yeah.

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Like, if I sell some more, would you not cut him up? Do you not cut his head off? And they're like, well, if you can get that thing up to 97% sold, we'll think about it. Otherwise, this cone is going to have blades come out of the side and, well, cut his fucking head off. So hopefully we can avoid that. But yeah, sorry, I'm like filming at a weird angle because I took all my clothes off and then remember I had to film a video.

So try my best not to show it. everybody my penis as I lay here. Poor fucking guy. They're going to cut his damn head off. Guys, you can catch me in Cleveland, Ohio, the 6th of March. I'll be in Cleveland, Ohio. Then I'll be in Pittsburgh, PA. Both those sales are looking pretty strong.

So we're pretty good there, but yeah, come on out. What else we have? St. Louis, Missouri, after that. That's in March as well. I think the 26. I can't really. I'm looking at my computer. sideways it's kind of tough to really read it um yeah indianapolis that's the big one that's the one they're

gonna cut this guy's head off of i don't sell enough tickets which i sure hope that doesn't happen but you know if it does yeah i tried my best making this sweet promo in the arms of the angels let me so you'd like that, don't you? Yeah, so after that we have, this is just late-night vibes, guys. If you don't like them, go to bed. After that, we have, what do we have, St. Paul, Missouri. What are the sales looking like?

Oh, not bad. All right, that's, that's, wow. Guys, Phoenix, Arizona, I'm doing the Celebrity Theater. Ticket sales are abysmal, and the fucking place is huge, guys. Come on. I mean, it's not until April 26, so I have time, but come on, man. Let's fucking get that up. Otherwise, they're going to,

I only want to say it around this little poor guy. You see the condition. He's already on the chopping block for Indianapolis. But, man, if I don't sell out the celebrity theater, you know, I don't want to say what they're going to do, but they're going to turn them into sausages. They're going to feed them to kids who don't have any food. So, yeah, we don't want that.

They're going to make dog sausages and give them to poor kids in the third world. Poor little guy. All right. What else we have? Yeah, that's pretty much, yeah. Go to Matt McCusker.com, please. By the way, this isn't supposed to be funny. This is a serious business announcement.

So just do it for him. If not for me, do it for this little guy. He's blind. And Reeve Paul did. All right, never mind. He's reed Paul, dude. Did you see that? Is Netflix has a show now

where it's just last words from people? Or is that just like a one-off thing? Oh, because of Eric Dane? Yeah, did you see that? I saw it last night. I almost watched it, but I was like, I was crying. But my thing is, is that a show now? Where they're, I don't know.

I think it's a cool show. What do? Do they talk into the camera? Dude, he did a whole thing. I thought he just did it. Oh, wow. Yeah, that's because they just said. Maybe he just did it and then they were like one last deal.

They licensed it to Netflix to give a little money to the family or whatever. I didn't know if it was a new show. I was like, that's kind of a sick show I did. Let people who are like about to die. Just be like, here's my thoughts on everything. Or people that. aren't. You're just like, I don't know what I could go, but if I, let me just tell you something right now. Kind of nice. A little monologue. Yeah. Your best monologue. It's, it's a tearjerker.

It's like a message to his daughters. He's dying. It's very, very sweet. I watched it in the hotel room. I started crying. Yeah. It was very nice. It's, I don't know. I mean, we're probably all around the same age. It's pretty, I'm like, damn, dude. Yeah. These are, this is us. Yep. You know, it's like, this is, these people are us, dude. Yep. Should you start recording last? Yeah, geez. All right. Change the color.

Just black. Yeah, yeah, there we go. All right. Jesus Christ. No, I said the same thing. Talking about Epstein again. I looked and I was just like, first of all, I'm insecure of the fact

that I think I'm going to start looking just like Epstein pretty soon. You can see that? Oh, yeah. I'm like, dude, I'm going to start looking like. If your hair gets a little wild dude and the tan, you got to get that tan a little more. I know, man.

A little more rosacea. I might get some work on too to bring my chin out like his. But I think I'm going to work. That's been an insecure. Some guy was like, dude, you look just like Jeffrey. And I was like, bro, you hit my most brawl nerve right now. I'm really worried.

I look like Epstein. So I think you're all right. Yeah, you're better looking than him. Yes. Yeah. Kind of eyes. Thank you. He does have scary eyes.

Yeah. I heard he had an egg-shaped penis. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like every deposition has the person's penis described in it.

Like, everyone you hear about it's like you're just going to, well, you know, you heard, what was it? Trump had, Trump had his. Trump had his. penis described in the deposition. Anyone with like a sexual something has a deposition about their penis. Yeah, that's what I mean that's like part of the proof. Like what kind of dixie have and they have to know yeah they take it out and they're like that's it you fuck this lady you definitely fuck this lady is this is this

a dick in question they put a bunch of boners in the police line yeah she'd have to blindly feel each one I'm gonna have to shove this one in my ass to see if it's a real deal how it really feels I'm gonna have to really get involved with this one. Yeah Trump had he apparently had that mushroom tip like a master master. But that's the other thing. It's like these guys all have schmeckles. They never have like dongs, dude. They never have units.

It's never like and on top of him being an unbelievable sexual predator. Yeah. He had a fucking unit. Like a big old unit dude. He was probably pleasing a lot of these people. You know?

I think you can hurt the kids if you have a I guess, yeah. So it's perfect size. That's right. Damage. You need a nice. my defense, Your Honor. My shit's tiny. He's looking for a one- He's looking for a one-car garage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here, this makes me grateful about my dick,

I feel like my dick is just a nice, it's not huge, but it's like, it's straight and a nice, big, standard issue. Pretty. That's it. Yeah, I was all the same way. It would be hard to be like, oh, there's a, this wacky thing.

Although I do have a bit of a thumbprint because I used to jerk off like this when I was a kid. So there's like a purple. Wait, not grip? No, when I was, for many years, I jerked off like this. Oh, like, don't touch the sides. Yeah, okay.

Yeah. So I have, and I went to the sex clinic once I did. Why did you do that, though? I don't know. That's just like how I started. I just kept going. It's like a batting stance. Yeah, true.

You're just like, yeah, I don't know. I just, you feel comfortable. Yeah, he goes over it. He does the old school wind up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, you got to learn by yourself. And I went to a sex clinic because I had herpes. It's the whole thing.

But the lady was like, what does. She was like Eastern European. She's like, what is this? Contusion for masturbation? And I had to be like, mail it. Yeah. God damn,

you've seen a lot of dicks, lady. Holy cow. Like, why would this make it contusion? I think because it's a lot of pressure. Oh, as you're going, as you lose control,

you probably lose control your grip strength. Although, you're like, you're like, you're gonna fucking feel this. It could also be cause causation. Like it might have been, I started jerking off

because it was already there, like a birth mark. Oh, maybe it felt good. It was like a sensitive spot for you. Yeah. But I think it was a contusion for masturbation. Oh, God. I believe.

Oh, you thought that was like, where you're like, oh, this is where I jerk off. Yeah. This is my starting point. Yeah. It's my handle. It's the grip. I remember hearing that it curves you if you do one hand over the other. So I like switched up to my left. Oh, I started doing Western grip where I would go down.

You know, like down and away, down and away. You still do? Yeah. No, not anymore. Okay. Not anymore. But, yeah, when I was trying to switch it up once in a while, I go. Western grip.

I also never had Lou. I just nobody, nobody fucking helped me. No, jerk on. I know. I know. I had no guidance. Honestly, I think about that with my sons. I'm like, I know that they're doing,

they're definitely doing it, but like, are they doing it right? Maybe they could be contusioning themselves and I, you know, I feel responsible. Send him a sex clinic. Go get them check out. I'm going to send him the clip of him and then just go, hey, just so you know,

yeah, check this out. We got this and the brother. law thing, I think. Straight to the top. I used to use blueberry hand soap as lubricant and it completely dried my ball sack out to where like the skin was falling off and peeling. Didn't it burn when it got inside the tip? I don't really recall.

I don't think it ever burned me on the tip. I remember this first, my first folly was that the blueberry soap when I was younger, before I started using it to masturbate, I could have sworn the blueberry. Well, I thought it tasted good. So there was a part where I was blowing yourself? No, no, no, no. You're like, I was, I was actually, it was pretty big when I was eight. But the, no, I remember eating blueberry soap being like, if it smells good, it has to taste good.

Absolutely. I pump blueberry soap in my mouth. I was like, ah, fuck. And then I started using it to jerk off. Oof. So it made, hand soap, no way. When I first started jerking off, I didn't even jerk off. I just fucked the pillow.

Like I would be on the pillow. And fuck the pillow. And humping, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck the mattress. I started masturbating before I could even ejaculate. So I would stand up off the toilet and pee into the bathtub at the end and be like, I'm done.

Wow. Whoa. You're a squirter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm fine. You. Yeah, my mom will be out of it. I'll find you.

Oh, my God. And then I'd go, oh, yeah, baby. Come on. Yeah. But no, I work out the legs over here. Yeah. No, dude, look. Look, see how we're fucking.

I know. I got sciatica. So I'm switching from side to side to give a little stretch. I sit my sciatica axe up. Oh, really? I cross my legs like a girl so it loosens it up like a, you know, like this. So it kind of gets it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You got to do this shit. Hip-up. That's how I, yeah, that's how I loosen up my hips. What are you doing an airplane? How do you get comfortable? Well, they've, they moved me up to a middle seat. They upgraded me to a, uh, I'm, I'm in the aisle, dude. I got to be in an aisle.

I have to be a, uh, I used to be a, uh, you know, window, a window guy. Scumbeg. Yeah, but then I, now I have to get up. I have to move around. Yeah. I've got a stretch. Um, I'm, um, yeah. I'll stretch in the galley.

I'll go to the bathroom and chat it up a little bit. You did something on a plane, I remember. I never brought this up. I don't think I brought it up with you, but on the way back from Skangfest, masturbate it. No, he was in, I was in comfort plus,

you were in first class, and you went to the bathroom with your shoes off. And I honestly was like that. Yeah, I was like disgusted by that. I was. Well, I had socks on. You definitely socks on, but still, I was like,

and I remember I'm like, I got to bring this up to Joe next time. And I'm glad we're in this forum right now. But I can finally debate you on whether or not it is the most gross thing to go to the bathroom. This is like a full Westbro. This is three hours. Yeah. Let's do something right now.

Well, I've had other people bring this up and sometimes we all. I couldn't believe it, Joe. We all do things that are gross that we don't think of as being gross. Yes. Every once in a while. I mean, this But I'm here to tell you. This backhand Grip. Western grip is not gross. Western grip.

It's beautiful. Yeah, it's beautiful, okay? Yeah, I like to take my shoe. First of all, it's like a cross-country flight. I don't mind the shoes off. So I got to go shoes off. Great, don't mind. Clean feet, clean socks.

Is that for circulation? Like, what is it? Just comfy? Comfort. Shoes. And then you kind of swell on a plane a little bit. Like, Viettee would easily take off and leave them. Slip off.

And then it's like you got to bend up, putting your shoes on. Of course, I was in first class, as you heard. But it's hard to get the room and you've got to put them all the way back. And what's the worst case now? I get some piss in my sock. Yes. I've had piss all over myself. But then you're going to go put him back in your shoe

and then you go home, you take your shoes off, you're walking around your house and your socks, and you got piss foot all over the house now. This is the thing. People, I look, I'm like presenting. I have the look of like a germ guy. But I don't care about germs. That's what shocked me about the situation, Joe.

I don't care about germs. I would have thought if they said, like Joe's going to get up and go to the bathroom. Is he going to put his shoes on or is he going to go? I would have bet my entire house that you would have put your shoes on and gone to the bathroom. Yeah. Yeah. See, I have I have OCD that makes me want to punch people while I'm walking by them.

I don't wash my hands. I guess. I mean, I wash my hands of my shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like I'll get off the subway and go eat a cheeseburger and not really think much of it. Yeah. Play basketball and then go out and eat pizza. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. I'm not a fucking nerd. Piss on the socks is like, hey. I guess, I know. I just was really. What's your, what I don't reusing it? I got shit for reusing a tissue where I like blew my nose and put it.

in my pocket for later if I could use it again. Oh, that's not gross. I had someone like that's your, yeah. So. Like if you know about the socks in the bathroom. If you pissed on your early unaffected, I would, I in the middle of that. You would do that? Yeah, I wouldn't bother me. But the, yeah, that wouldn't pee. P, I have zero fear of P by the way.

I'm also thinking of snot, come, whatever else people are doing. I know people that jerk off on planes. You're not getting in that little toilet. I'm both of us are guilty of it. You've never jerked off on a plane? I have. Yes. I wanted to be the last one to say it, though. Well, do you want to hear this story?

I don't know. In good faith that people jerk off on those things. Yeah, I've heard under, yeah. I have a story about jerking off on a plane. I've told this on podcast, but I went in and jerked off. I was, you know, it was, whatever. I was horny and young and ambitious. You're told it.

You're over the air. Yeah. So I went and jerked off. And I swear to God, this is true. I came out of the bathroom. I just finished jerking off. And you got to jerk off fast enough that it could be a shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I come out and the flight attendant and I started going, she goes, hey, what were you doing in there? No. No way. And I was like, what? What? And she's like, you didn't see the sign? And it was like an out of order. And somehow I missed it.

Oh my. So I went in there and I was in there for like a length of time. Oh, no. And I swear to God, she went and looked at the toilet because it's not working. Yes. And it was nothing in there. But I had been in there for like four minutes. In the trash.

Like I did a tissue and then put it in the trash. But it was like the most my heart has ever raised. You got to be like plucking my eyebrows. I don't need it. It was like, What were you doing? Bleaching my asshole. Like, oh my God.

She was like, I tried to get poop. It wouldn't come out. And it was like early on the flight. Oh, no. Yeah. At least she didn't answer right away. Like, I was using the restroom going to the bath number two. And she's like, how could you?

It's out of. Oh, my God. Or I could have been like, I jerked off. Yeah, yeah. I was looking at you. It's not illegal, by the way. No. It was horrible.

And another time after last comic standing, 2010, I jerked off and that came out. And that came out. And Mike Vecchio was the guy waiting. So that was uncomfortable. I was like, oh, hey. So that was, it was like all of us on a flight. He sat down on an ice cold. And he knew, dude.

He knew. He knew. He's probably going next. Damn, dude. That's cold. But in your 20s, early 30th. I mean, I just have to jerk off. Well, then great.

You're proving my point, going back to my original argument that you should not be walking into the bathroom with socks. But I don't come on the floor. Yeah. I do. I do. I do. I go Western grip.

I'm going down there. It's flattering everywhere, man. You know? Fucking wild. Especially in turbulence, you're gonna get out of control. We're in a chaotic environment. I need the turbulence to come. I can't come unless we're not.

Give me a little balance, a little shake to get my prostate. A little nerves. Yeah. Give me a full, full jerk. We also just learn on the plane that like they can't stop you from going to the bathroom at any time. So like I say ask permission. They tell like when you're landing and taking off. You can get up.

They can't stop you from. They can just suggest that you don't get up. But you got to pee. You can pee no matter what. Oh, really? I've had people be like, we're going to turn the plane around. If you, I'm not turning to play right. No, no, no.

I mean, like, that's it. Pilots are to reach back and hit you from the other. I'll fucking turn this thing around. Everybody sit down. I told you to hold it. Listen, no, when you get up and when they're taxing out, right, when they're going, like, we're going to the runway. If you get up and go to the bathroom, they'll be like, we're going to pull off to the side.

They just passive aggressively, like, please, as a reminder to sit down. Oh, really? Maybe if you're taxing. Yeah, I think, like before they're going to take off. Once you take off. They will pull off. the side of the road. True.

Once you take off, though, you do literally whatever you want. But it would be hard to prove it. Like, I'm sure the pilots have orders to like, hey, don't. But no one's like fucking looking in.

Oh, yeah. I hope you're looking forward. You're not like, you know, looking in the rear view mirror. But yeah, I guess they're supposed to not take off

if everyone's not seen it. Yeah, but once they're up, my boat, I thought you had to wait for the thing to go, ding, and then you can get up

and go to the bathroom. Yeah. As soon as you're in the air, you can just get up and go to the bathroom. And the flight attendants will be like kind of look at you and you're like, I have to go. I threw up on a, oh, go ahead. No, I've seen an old man like run as soon as it took up.

Like we were totally ascending and he like went running up. And I felt like everyone was like, this is, this guy's going to shit his pants. He's old. But I saw the flight attendant who was still buckled in be like, oh, sir. And then they just like that thing. Yeah. Yeah, they can't fucking. I thought about it.

I threw up. I felt sick one time. I was like, oh, we're going to. And it was, you know, still seat belts buckled. And I threw up into the. bag into my own little like, you know, the personal bag rather than getting up and going to the bathroom because I was like, I don't want to get in trouble. It's also a small bag. And if they stopped me, I'm going to barf on them. Was it like the paper bag? Yeah, it was that it was the vomit bag. It's

pretty small for vomiting. It is. I knew I wasn't giving like a huge per, I knew I eaten like a fucking lemonade. It was like a fucking lemonade. It was like gurgling around my stomach. I drank lemonade. I know. Quote on quote unquote. A little miss mouth for breakfast. Yeah, yeah. A little croissant and lemonade. And I barfed it up. on the fucking, I don't know, it just didn't sit right. Damn. Yeah, but it was like on the takeoff on the way up. And I'm like, I want to run to the bathroom and just do it there.

But you can't. Now you know. Now I know. Yeah, I didn't do it because I was like, I thought they were going to arrest me. Especially with little kids. I have little kids and they're like, I got to pee now. I'm like, fuck. Yeah.

They have like a two minute time window. Yep. So I'll just take them there. And they're like, sir. And it's like, hey. Hey. Come on. Yep. Were you traveling a lot when you potty trained?

Because it feels like that's going to be hard. Oh, yeah. We got a potty train and then you're like, huge setback too. Because we, my oldest kid was potty trained pretty much. And then we went to the airport and that automatic flusher was just like, and then it just,

it like reverted her all the way back. We potty trained in like a week or two at my house. Like we had a week or two off. It was like, I remember we just did it like you walked around and just he just would wear no diapers or whatever. That's what they say. And then just like when you got to go, sometimes there were accidents like a dog.

But you know, like most times they make it to the toil. And then that was it. Because my son's nine and we just cannot figure it out. You can't break him in. You're like, I can't get it together. We can't find the time. He's a mess. Daddy's on the road.

I don't have time to teach you. I remember hearing about that. Like, oh, my wife would always be like, we can just spend the whole weekend. We'll stay here. Yeah. That's what my wife did. I'm never going to do. We're not doing that.

Yeah, we did that. It was great. It worked out. My second son, not so much. Really? Yeah, it was like a month and a half of him being like, I had shit in my pants. And you're like, you did it on purpose. Yeah, boys are harder to potty train from my hair.

because they're lazy, dude. Yeah. My son was like, why am I going to get up? Yeah, why do I care? I'll just shit in this diaper that you gave me.

Yeah, and then you're going to wipe my ass. And like, really I'm going to keep that going to like, yeah, it becomes a huge problem. Yeah,

letting your kid wipe their own ass is like, I'm still, I have like three to five year old. I'm still like, are you sure you did that right? Like he's, I never went. It was like,

here's how you do it or any of that stuff. I was just assuming like, no rash is coming back my way, no problems being sent up the chain. That's true. You know, like that way I just know. That's what happened to me.

My ass was a disaster until I was like 30. They'll come to me. Yeah. No one ever taught me. So I like actually have been teaching my kids. Like you just wipe and then when you don't see any more paper, you don't see anything else on the paper, just do it one more time to see. No one taught me how to wipe my ass.

No one ever does. My wife taught me how to clean my ass in the shower with a rag. Because I used to, I used to just lean forward and kind of like. Yeah. I'm still doing that. Wait, that's how I do it. Yeah. I spread the cheeks and I let it get in there.

If I don't have a removable shower head, my asshole is never properly. I was just complete, it was disgusting and then one day she's like, you gotta actually like wipe so I got a rag and I wiped in the shower and I was it was just disgusting

she'd let me see it I was like, dude let me see it she wanted to make sure I do a good job she loves you dude wow god almighty she still will get me with that every now and again

I'll be in the shower and I'll wipe my ass with the rag and she'll just like peer up we have like a little half ball she'll peer over I'm like bro relax man damn you don't see this wow

it's kind of fucked up yeah that's so sweet you guys are showering together yeah Well, she'll see me. She brushes her teeth right next to where I show. Right. So I go in the bathroom, my wife's in the morning when she's showering every day.

Do you? Yeah. It's like my favorite. It's the best part of the day. What do you do? Just go there and fire up. I creep. I fucking, I, I, I, I, I, toilet.

I just sit there. I just sit there. I had a joke about this years ago. Like, when my wife showers, I love to be like, oh. But never once has she been like, let me get some of that. Yeah, yeah. There's no reciprocation at all. No.

I come out of like, I'm like a naked person. I'll walk around naked. She's like puts a robe on right away. But like I'll shower. I'll walk. She'll be in the bedroom. I'll walk past her. Like naked like fucking.

Yeah. She just won't even get off. She won't even look off the phone. Yeah, man. And I'm like, this is, I'm presenting right now. I'm peacocking. You know who would be excited by that.

A kid. A kid. A cononic treadmill. You got to keep uping it. Yeah. I don't feel that way. If you're working. Have you ever confronted your wife for her phone usage?

Been like you used it too much? Passive aggressively. Yeah, I do it all the time. Yeah. Doesn't get a good reaction. Yeah. I go,

please put that thing down and just hang out with us. Oh. They don't like that. Yeah, because you're like, because she's mostly in charge of everything goes on in the house. So it's almost like, you're like, you're like, you're taking a break? What do you?

You don't have time, time to lean, no time to clean? Like, what are you doing right now? Get off that phone. Even if it's just hanging out with us. That's like, laborious to her. You know, like, she's like, God, Almighty. You know what that word means, Joe? No, but I was, I could, you clocked that I was like, huh.

I don't appreciate being called out. You know, laborious. Laborious. Yeah, like it down. Boring. No. Labor. Labor.

It's like work. It's like work for her to hang out with us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like work for her to hang out with us. I see. She's not, it's not fun for her to hang out with us. Of course. It's like, yeah.

Boys, boy time. Yeah, but like she, yeah. Yeah. She might ever be on the phone. But they don't like it. No. At least I have to do. I'll fake shit.

I'll go off. I'll take a shit and just like a job. And I'll go on my phone. Yeah. That's what I try to do. Yeah. But she has to. She could be like,

I'm working or doing something. I mean, she could say that. But yeah, it's a lot. I mean, we have the same job. Yeah. That's true. Yeah. Yeah.

No, she's not her front a lot. But, you know, I get it. Especially now with a two-year-old, it's like when you, Sometimes if they go nap or they go, you just want some kind of like, yep, whatever. Have you ever gotten a communication via an Instagram reel from your wife

where it's like here's something I'd like you to kind of focus on or work on? Oh, yeah, yes. That's the most passive aggressive way you can tell someone that you're not as good as they want you to be. You know? They just like, here's a reel about like, like I'll get reels about like what you're supposed to say after a game. Yeah. You know, like sometimes I'm just a little bit like,

like, hey dude, like, where were you today? You know, what was going on today? Yeah. Cheats us like, you know, then I'll get a video. It's like, it'll be like the music from Moneyball. Like the dad's just like, listen, son, you're the greatest it's ever been. And I'm like, I understand the point. But like you can't, you know, I'm not perfect.

Yeah. No, I know. I'll get them every now and again where it's like it'll be like a lady like my anxiety spikes when I see coffee cups on the counter, blah, blah, blah. I don't like a deep explanation of it. I'm like, I'll fucking put my. up in the sink you could have yeah I would rather just communicate out that nah she says it to me I'm like oh my god shut up dude yeah that's a good point I

I've been I had karma back fire you we would we've been sending videos of people falling all winter long because New York we've had like the worst yeah so it's like just video after video of people falling and laughing and like the great and then the other day I'm at the gas station just pulled in with her car to fill it up like a nice husband get out of the and like not even thinking dude it's not snowing it's barely cold i put my feet down on the ground and they just ice my feet go out from underneath me and i'm like and i'm just i'm every while i'm like sideways every video that i watched and laughed at is going through my fucking head and the and people i hit the ground so hard i was like oh oh no and the fucking guy comes out he's like oh

are you all right are you all right and the lady over here she's still pumping her gas she goes he's all right, he didn't fit his head or anything like that. She's answering for me. I'm on the ground, dude, I'm like, oh. And I'm thinking to myself, I'm like, dude, I haven't fallen. Like, I went to the doctor in January. My doctor's like, he's going over all stuff. He goes, hey, have you fallen recently?

And I was like, what? No, dude, like, I'm not a fucking loser. What are you talking about? Who falls? Like, I'm not 11. And then I thought about it. I'm like, I'm the age of falling now. Like, just random falling.

And it fucking killed. I feel like if you're an adult and you fall, you should have to go to jail for like two hours. Yeah. Just for two hours. Just like cool down. I don't know what it is. But I fell the other night.

I was naked coming from the bathroom back to my bed. It was dark. And I tripped over a suitcase and just flat onto my belly. All the way to the ground. All the way to the ground and lay there. And I was like, I shouldn't be in society. Oh my God. Naked.

I should be taken from society for like a day. Yeah. It was humiliating. That is humiliating. It hit my toes like, fuck! Yeah. Stubbing your toe. But they look.

Losing all of it and going all the way. Like your dick hit the ground. In the dark. Yeah, you can squish on the ground. That was all right. Mine was, it was hanging. It was like Mission Impossible. Wow.

That's crazy, dude. Yeah, but you have so many thoughts as you're going to the ground. I'm one of these. And I know this is on video. We're to gas station. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're at a gas station. LaMere has a nasty spill.

It's on camera. Oh, really? It might be. Was it a slip and fall, Lemaire? It was a drunk. It was more of a bruise you tumble. Damn. It was a drunk fall.

Damn, dude. It was. Yeah, no, it's painful for the ego. It's painful. Like my hip is killing me. Yeah. I landed on my hip. It sucks.

That hurts. Yeah, hard. Did you, no, did you go home and tell your wife about it when you tell? Oh, right away. Yeah. Because I'm like, I got to tell her before. This could be America's funniest home videos on Sunday for all I know.

You know, like, I got to get her, no. I can't be the last person to let her know that this could this happen. And plus, I love to complain. I'm like, you never good. Because right away, I turned to that guy. I'm like, you gotta ice this man. I mean, you got to assault this area. Are you crazy? What if I was an old lady? I'm like, you broke my streak today, dude. I haven't fallen in 11 years. That's crazy. I'm going to head about falling. I guess. Oh, it's going for you.

We got, we got it. Yeah. I'm telling you, Joe, I don't know. I mean, walking around the streets in New York, how do you not like slip and fall all the time? Well, I had a horrible incident years ago. The movie Gone Girl came out. I don't know what year that was. It was 10 years ago or something like that. And my wife and I went and start like, it was like the first. We both had read the book and loved it. So we were like, all right, here we go. And it was sold out. It was like when movies would sell out. And I went to piss or whatever. And we were sitting in the middle and I was coming back in. And somehow I just tripped on someone's foot or leg and I couldn't recover. And I touched every single part. I was like, go, go, go, go, go, go. Like, it was full Kramer. Like, I spun and then

tripped over the next person. And I just, and everyone was like, oh, go. Yeah. Finally, like, rolled into my seat. Like you couldn't have blocked it out better for a movie. It's like impromptu parkour. Yeah. Like all of a sudden you're like finding the I'll find the next step when I have to. It was horrible and like you can hear the buzz like down the road being like this motherfucker. And my wife was like dying laughing. She's still it's like the funniest thing ever to her but it was humiliated. I stepped on every foot touched every fucking dick. It was crazy. My aunt was on riding the city bus one time. She's a big lady and she's not she's not like she's not confrontational at all,

but she was standing up the bus driver she goes, the bus driver took off way before and she fell on this black lady and just sat there and she goes and she stayed she was so embarrassed, she just laid there

she didn't try to get up she just laid to the next stop and the lady's like, you gotta get off of me, what are you wrong with you and she's trying to push my hand and my hand's like this I can't yet

I have to wait to the bus stops dude she just continued to lay on this woman personal space not an issue. That's so fucking yeah dude of all the people

to land on, dude. Just this woman is like, she was like, you gotta get up. And she's like, I can. I have to wait through the bus stop. Like a weebo wobble. She's just laying on the fucking lady's lap. Dude.

It's just that black lady going into work and you won't believe. Yeah. White lady was late. I know. That damn white lady thought you could sit on me. Oh, dude, here's Lamaric. Good job. Yes.

Here we go. Oh, there's Gardini coming in. Oh, no. Someone had a little edit. Oh, this is you. Oh, my Godine. That is tremendous. Yo.

Oh, whoa. He landed. Yeah, he owned it. Nice job, LeMair. We'd own that. That's a 10.0 for the dismount right there. Great edit. What an edit.

Where to stick the landing on that one. Beautiful. That was good stuff. Yep. Nice job, dude. No ice. Just tripped over your own. Were you all right? Nothing to blame.

I was hurt for like a week. Yeah. Yeah, I'm telling you. Oh, there was also like a little, you did like a little hop up the curb, which is the best part. He did a little like, yeah, and then just completely like I got this shimmy shake and then boom, straight to the ground. Well, that's the problem with the future. There's no falling anonymously. No, that's what I'm saying.

Anything that happens is. Yeah. Yeah. True. Everything. We're living in a panopticon. That's the term for that. Of course.

What is it cool? Panopticon. I learned. I find it laborious. It's not easy. It's work. Well, God damn, dude. I think we did it, man.

You guys, thank you so much for doing it. Yeah, no worries. This is great, dude. I had a blast. I mean, my legs hurt. I know. I can't wait to sit out. Hey, man.

You go take a nap. We do it different down here. This is beautiful, though. Do you give this away? Like, you can have it. Yeah, if you want it. It's awesome, man. I'll get another reprint.

Yeah, why not? Is this a famous painting? Yeah, it's one of them. I don't know anything about art. I just wanted, like, the, weirdest. Classy. Yeah, like that's that's Jesus I think. Yeah, that's a rainbow that one I like that kind of stuff. Yeah. So what's the Scythian chapel? You know, I don't know shit about art. I don't know something. There's a lot of naked kids in this

fucking one back here. Saying dude. They're all the rage right now. Yeah. Why not? I'm trying to keep up with, you know, the biz. I think we solved a lot of issues. Oh, are we still on? No, yeah. I'm looking at my phone. What, do you guys have anything you want to promote? Oh, yeah, Steve Brandisizi.com, stand-up dates. I'll be in, I'm going to Key West Comedy Club in April.

I'll be in backroom comedy club in Toronto next month. Yeah, check it out. Yeah. Yeah, I'm doing a big UK Ireland thing, Belfast, Dublin, London, adding a show, Glasgow, and Bristol. Hell of it. Yeah. Connecticut? No.

Pennsylvania. I'm in Dublin, Ireland and Bristol, Connecticut. I'm going Glasgow, Bristol, Connecticut. Weird routing, but yeah, and I don't know. Yeah, punch up live.com. You've talked about. I got a movie on there, all that stuff. Specials on you.

Fourth of July is great. You should see that. Yeah, thank you. Keep it out. All right. Thank you, guys. Awesome. Great.

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