Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 601 - Gen Z White Boy (feat. Devan Costa & Conner McNutt)

Episode Date: March 4, 2026

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Support Devan and McNutty @ https://www.patreon.com/HateWatchPodcast Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Go See Shawn Gardini Live if you want  @  https://www.shawngardini.com/live Good morning everybody. Hope you're all having a nice week so far. We got a hot cast for you guys. Devan Costa and Conner McNutty from HATEWATCH podcast step up to the podes. Great broz. Support them. Please enjoy. God Bless. ps maybe a special treat on the paytch soon and an extra ep for you this week :) Try ZipRecruiter FOR FREE at https://www.ziprecruiter.com/secret Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/DRENCHED and use code DRENCHED and get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Wow, wow, Wes. All right. Start now. Hey, we're here. Hello. What the hell is going up? Connor McNutt, Devin Costa. We just had some secret talk that we, you know.

Some secret. Top secret dog. Or feels don't look bad now because then the thing we're talking about. Okay, we didn't have that kind of secret talk because we're about to talk about the bath is. Right. Yeah. It wasn't, it wasn't, I can assure you it was not that. That was not that secret talk.

But no. The guy with Tourette's. Yeah. I mean, I came in weird because we technically did have. We were talking about. Yeah. We also started three times in row, right now, which makes things awkward. 100%.

The Baptist thing was weird. Everything's on the up and up. You're going to be assured of that. You can be able to be assured of that. Guys, thanks for coming. Of course, we know we're a pretty big get. Anything to help. You're lucky we're here.

I'll take it. I am genuinely lucky you're here. Thank you. I'm fucking punky. You guys are here. Yeah, man. God, dang. So, with all the formalities out of the way, we're talking bastards.

We're talking about this. It was a crazy situation. Because I thought, I thought sinners was overrated, but I think that guy went too far. And then I had to check out the Tourette's guy's movie. Have you said it, 12 years of slave? No.

That's the movie. It's a crazy fucking movie. It's called, I swear. Yeah. What is it? I swear. I swear. What did he,

was he the director, writer? No, no, it's based on him and an act, a really good actor, plays him in it. And it's very good. I watched it like right after the,

the N-word. Guy was, that's a crazy marketing. It was, that's, yeah. I felt like it was intentional. Yeah, because I immediately watched the movie. Also, they apparently like missed the Oscar, like, caught off by like a week or two. So this movie's gonna be in circulation

for like the next year. Yeah. Like, it'll probably get nominated next year for the Oscars. Yeah. So like, we'll hear about the Touretz guy for the next year. Unless he gets killed by a black woman.

Why was he at the Bafters though? Tretz guy. He's a British guy. He's actually kind of famous in England. Okay. John Davidson. He's a white boy. He's a white boy, yeah.

He's crazy. He's a very crazy white boy. He's never said it to Idriselba, which is interesting. I don't know, dude. Like, he's just, Michael B. Jordan is jacked. Yeah. He should say to anybody, whether they're weak or strong. He said it to Delroy Lindo, too, who like is like an older black dude and probably really

heard it directed at him at times. Okay. So this has been kind of the, well, first of all, I'm curious, why was his movie being nominated or he was just an actor? Yes. Yeah, yeah. The actor that played him one. him won. But was he played by a black man?

No, no. What are you talking about? Is Baptist for black? No, it's British. No, no. It wasn't the FACP awards. You think there's a segregated award show for black people? There's a BET awards. Right, no, BFTA's not that. I thought it was like the BET, British BED. No, no. You thought it was like badass film awards. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Black actors film.

That's very funny. I was like, dude, he did it out of the day. It's British. I thought he did it at the British BET Awards. No, he did it at the British. So this is just like the British actors. Yes. It's a guy who's like, actually like he's like a crown jewel of London. Like everyone loves this guy.

There was like a documentary series about the guy. And then they made a movie out of it. So like he's like, I mean, he called like the queen a cunt to her face. Yeah. He really? His, his, one of his best friends died. And when the cops came, he goes like, I killed him. I killed him.

You say the thing that's never. You know. And thanks for clearing up the fact that this wasn't the British beat I the whole time is going the British Beatty awards yeah I love that you thought that that's great that's beautiful actually you got a beautiful mind you're like how cool

of London they have a black award show good for them dude that's so funny yeah so okay here and this is the question now where it's like because I've read a lot of the comments on it you do have a lot of like black ladies and even black guys being like that shit was in him. He knows what he said. He knows what he did.

Well, there was two things. It is in him. They should have edited it. Because apparently they did edit out Epstein stuff, but they didn't edit out the N-word. They also added out free Palestine. Sorry, that's what it was. And he was calling the host of the show like a homo the entire time. And they edited that out to. What? He didn't say homies, you know. Yeah, obviously. Yeah. Yeah, he's got to do it. I also have Tourette's when I see Alex. It makes you feel better. Also, if he had, if his Tourette's made him go, homo! People like, you know what you're saying.

That's in you. Yeah, it's funny, the, like, the, like, the affliction is, like, so harsh. That's the thing. What if he had, like, tressa was, like, sing-song, you know? True. You're gay. That could be, that'd be fun. Maybe that's potential therapy.

Broadway Tourette's. That could be a potential therapy of getting them to kind of, like, yeah, sing it out. But that's, yeah, I mean, I personally don't think the man that was, like, some sort of, you know, showing of, like, innate evil. And it's also, like, the question is, is, like, what, person, it's like, does that mean the word is there or the sentiment to use it? It's just that you've, you've heard before that that's the worst thing to call a black person. So then you say that, that's literally like the disability.

Yeah. You say the worst thing you could say to somebody, it goes to the taboo and you can't help it and it like helps you like live. You feel like, I've been watching all these like Tourette's people talk about it. And yeah, it's like you feel like you're gonna explode unless you don't get it out. And then they also, you know, just go like, ah, nah, You know, they like bark and shit. Like, they're fucking animals, man. Yeah, they're, I mean.

The guy was podcasting at the bathtub. I think honestly, I think Tourettes are now the most. I thought for a while I was like, it's definitely straight white men, most dangerous people in America or the world. Yeah. Tourette's have replaced. Tarrats are the most dangerous.

It's caused. I mean, you have like Eric Cartman disease. I don't know what to tell you. It's pretty, it's pretty brutal. They're terrorists. They're literally terrorists. And if you have Tourette's, you're an evil terrorist. He didn't apologize technically, too.

And black people on Twitter at least are very upset by that. What was his apology? It was just like, explaining the disease. Yeah. Explaining it because in the movie, there's an entire scene where the lady that takes him in is like, you don't need to keep apologizing for something. You can't help. A black lady?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It was, whoope Goldberg played his mom in the movie. It was Monique in the movie. In the movie, in the guy, there was an actor who played him. Yes. who probably had the time of his fucking life. Imagine getting that role.

Just saying it all over. Like, hey man, you're gonna get paid like a hundred thousand dollars. You guys see the N-word a bunch. You're like, oh, no. Yeah, you gotta yell it out. Oh, fuck, that's scary. He doesn't yell the N-word in the movie. No.

No, probably not. But now, okay, here's another thing, Matt. There's a scene in the movie where he's like painting his new flat, like his apartment with his friend. And it's like green paint, but it looks dark green. And he's like puts it on his face as a tick. And then he like puts it on his friend's face. And they start doing it.

that clip has surfaced on Twitter and black people are like, so there's a black face scene in this movie too. But it's, oh, it's a dark green. It's like a dark green and it has nothing to do with race. He's just being like wacky and painting his friend's face and they're like, oh, you know, but now that's like an evil. Yeah. Like this is a thought out thing and the movie is this like secret racist. There is like a weird like cognitive dissonance with like, I don't know, black people on Twitter

where it's like they would like go to like a kid's birthday party and a guy that gets painted like a giraffe and they go. For sure. You're doing blackface? Yeah. What's going on here? No, it's, well, it came. The problem is, though, if you're somebody who's like, you know, really prides yourself on being, like, socially aware and empathetic, you came to a very nasty crossroads or,

like, who's side of my own? Yeah. It's tough. It's tough. Because also he, he, there was apparently, like, a mic and, like, he just said, like, why was there a big mic in front of me? The BFTA's wanted this to happen. That was actually not a good, so they had it, they had the guy was just all night.

People think he was. the boom mic on him. Exactly. The entire time. No, there's this idea that he was front and center, you know, like wearing, like, with a swastick a tattoo on his head, just like screaming the worst things of all time. You know, he was like 40 rows back apparently,

but somehow, like, kind of miced. And they cut everything else but this part. Yeah. That's weird. But they caught, they missed every. Oh, they, they cut, somebody on stage said, Free Palestine. They cut that.

Maybe they were kind of there's a couple guys where they were like well he was you were saying he was yelling like gay stuff too though the whole time Yeah the host Alan Cummings kept like like saying like just so everyone knows there's a there's a guy here that And he'd be like can't stop saying it by the way by the way imagine being gay and your last name is Cummings that's so funny dude that's incredible And that's that's driving the Touretz guy crazy that just he's a fucking brilliant man my favorite. No, but it's also just created a war because he's like a very like people really, he's an earnest figure in England. People really, really love him. And they like that he said fuck the queen or call the queen. Yeah, it's because it's, because it's so, they forgive it. The queen forgave it, you know, like it's. She has a bigger fish to fry right now. One of her sons

is running wild. She's also dead. God damn. I don't know what he's dead. Who's the fuck's running in England right now? I wonder they're having guys scream out in the awards. This is the Tourette's people are running. Damn pedophile. I mean. Ward show they're yelling out to insults. They're just, I don't know. That guy fucking knew.

I fucked that guy. That guy. He knew what he was doing, actually. That is the core of that man's entire. No, he's a sick man. He's a sick man.

His life should be ruined more than it has been his entire. So you're on the same page as Jamie Fox. Jamie Fox was like, fuck him, dude. He knew what he said. Meanwhile,

Jamie Fox is like telling Leonardo DiCaprio, just fucking say it all you want. It's your actor. He's got the end work. It's such a weird flex to be, like yeah, motherfucker. If like a, I'm trying to think.

I feel like if a guy with like down syndrome tripped me on accident and I turned around I was like, motherfucker, you know what you did. I know, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You fucking know what you did. It's like when an evil like reptilian, like, grandmother of yours or like I guess like even somebody's mom, they start kind of like, oh, they have, they have,

they're forgetful now, but they say like evil things in between the forgetfulness and you're like, I know what you're fucking, like fucking liviya's soprano or something. Yeah. Where you just like, I can't tell. People have said you have a, you know, a problem now. So I, but, but I still kind of think you're fucking with me.

It's also, it just is so unbelievable if he has like a track record, they're like, oh, we kind of love this guy. And then he just gets the bathtub and it goes, finally. My evil dark philosophy. The long con. It paid off. Yeah. I've been faking Tourette's for years.

Yeah. Yeah. So he thought he was at the BETT Awards like you. It's just insane. It's such an insane thing to not immediately be like, yeah, okay, that guy. But I think what happened is it fell too neatly with a, who is the other fart lady? Yeah, fart edward. She was like, yeah, hitting a.

I think that was like a stun grenade for black people where they were kind of like, wait, what the fuck was that? Yeah, they're like, stop being so silly about it. We don't know how to get angry about. No, it was, yeah, it was just kind of like, because that was clearly, you know, No, slip up. Although my brother was like there's no, my brother is completely against HGTV ladies. He's like, there's no way that was a slip up. Oh, you know, do I think that's the thing she says all the time. Yes, she's, she stubs her toe. It's just far N-word. Like it's, that's just in her repertoire. But she was saying fart, knocker is what she usually says. And it just, it just,

she must have hit her toe. Hey, we've all met there. You know, I confuse knock her in the N-word all the time. I go, that lady's got great N-words. Also, here's the thing is like, how bad did you hit your toe? Broken toe? It's like... What I didn't understand about that clip was why did she go like, can we cut that? And some guy was like, no. No. Absolutely not.

I hate you. We can't cut you. I hate you guys. No, someone clearly just took that and released it. Yes. I think they're like live streaming or something like that. I think they're like Instagram live. Were they?

I had to bet because why couldn't you cut that out? HGTV getting into live streaming. I think someone took the card and was like sick. Yeah. Really? You think that? We were just talking about these Gen Zers. They're evil.

They're nihilists. They do. They're nihilists. They're nihilists. I think they are kind of nihilists. Yeah. Yeah. Or I don't know.

A lot of them are like big time grind heads though. So what's a grind head? Like grind like rising grind. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm gonna get to the next level.

Yeah. And they don't care if they like die young. I mean, you know, they're all fucking doing the micro fracturing on their faces. Yeah. Doing meth and shit. Well, Austin is also like the, it's like the capital of like the most boring 24 year old of all time. Like all those like get ready with me. Here's my day.

is a 24-year-old living in Austin. And I'm like, dude, kill yourself. This is the worst life I've ever seen. I've talked to my younger cousin about that. And he was like, I was like, is this what you and your friends do? And he was like, no, none of us. He's like, none of us do that. It is like a mind fuck.

Because I'm trying to figure out like what Gen Z does or who they are. But because all the biggest people are like streaming all the time. Yeah. But I don't think that's like a fair reflection of like who they are. You mean? I'm telling you. I think they're completely checked out of like online stuff. Yeah.

Like I don't think that I was just talking about like the rage bait of how like it's like if you get mad about something online I think they view you as like a boomer fucking. Yes. Or like almost if you get mad at all, it's kind of embarrassing. Yep. What was the sentiment we just said? If you don't say the N word you're gay. Yeah.

Yeah. Well no, because that was weird. Yeah. No, because they'll just rip the end. It's like, you know, on the internet. And again, maybe there's a streamers versus other guys. But it does seem like young white dudes can just rip the N word on the internet. I mean, clavicular is constantly ripping the end.

Lovicular, non-stop, Fuentes. And you can't tell me that's not trickling down. Completely. It's like an Xbox Live economy. It's just, that's like now the culture. No, it's just say anything. So that's what I think, I think it's like, you know, I'm, you know,

I didn't predict this happening, but I think I think white people are taking the word back. I think they might be the youth. White people are like, let's put the power back into it, actually. The opposite of Jay-Z But it's got to be crazy Because like you know

I know black dudes that go Xbox live And like yeah people yell the N-word And blah blah Whatever But it's got to be kind of a mind fuck To see like All these young white kids using it

And like As far as the internet goes It's cool in the sense that it's working Yeah I mean we're being completely honest The NWR was gentrified by black people Yeah

Yeah And we're taking it back All right It's like But you get your You got to be careful. Exactly. I'm not taking it back.

I feel gay. Like we just said, when I say the N word, like I'm retelling something, I feel like a teenager's going to call me like a homo. Like something just pop out of a bush, Bill. You fucking gay. That's what I was saying earlier. Like, I think if you're like 22 and you don't say the N word and you're white, you're kind of, it's like kind of gay.

Yeah. Yeah, which is funny. I mean, dude, how crazy is that? They just, I mean, well, they're all at home. No one can punch them in their room. That's true. You know? But you know what happened?

I think it started. there's a lot white, there's a lot of white rappers that started just like ripping it. You know, Jin Lee? No, he was a Dallas rapper. He's a, he's a giant redheaded man. Okay. With long curly red hair. Oh, yes, I've seen this guy.

Yeah, he's good. He was ripping the end where he's in jail now. Okay. He was in jail. Yeah, I mean, I've seen him like also like post videos like justifying saying it. Just anybody. But then like he'll go and he'll fight like black teenagers in the mall. Yeah.

So his, his. Okay. So he's about that life. Completely. He really hates them. No, he loves them. He's like, totally, yeah. Going to the ball to fight.

I think he just roast the ones he loves. Yeah. But no, he'll have people. Like, if you have a problem, come fight me. Right. And he'll end up just being in like, you know, near a smoothie. Bro, he's fat as shit. He's fucking, and he's like six foot three.

He's huge. Ugly as hell. Hey, man. He lives in Dallas. He comes to get me. Relax. Come fight me, dude. Let's go to the mall.

Bro. I love you. I love you. He's in jail. He's going to get out of jail. He's going to fight. He might not. He might just be like crazy ass white boss.

He probably is, dude. But he sounds like Big X the plug, right? Kind of similar to that? Yeah, kind of. Fat, I guess. I don't know. Yeah, he just sounds fat. I've never heard him.

I never heard Big X of Plug, but I'm like, it's probably fat. Oh, you'd love it. Is Big X the plug white too? No, it's black. Oh, no. But there's that,

I think that's, you know, the internet is like, because like you're, you're right, you can safely say it on the internet and like, you know, if you live around all white people, it's like no one's gonna beat you up really for it.

Maybe like, you know, your lesbian cousin. They're also saying it with the A, right? Yes. So, yeah, there's, like, people have a thing. It's not the same at all to them. True. You know, like, like, when Nick Fuentes says it, it's, it's in a way of like,

I think he'd have a bigger problem he was saying with the hard R. Like, every time, you know. I think so. He also claims that Kanye gave him the pass. And, yeah, he's a sane individual. Which, yeah. Imagine that's your justification. Yeah.

Like, no, the most crazy man of all time said I can say it. He's getting his shit together, though. Yeah. He can't do you do shit together. He takes a big man to apologize to all the world's Jews. It does. It does. Have you done that before?

I've, no, I've never been in that position before. Matt, I do it every single morning. Wake up and I apologize to all the world's Jews. Get on Twitter. Sorry, Jews. That would be nice.

It's hitting him with just like inspo content. Every like, good morning Jews. Let's get it. Yeah. But like pause, really positive stuff. Like, good morning Jews. That's like the real life equivalent of like putting more shields in your chest and like call of duty

you see that every morning you're like all right I'm good I'm fucking safe again oh that poor guy let's get it Jay gang who's called Jay gang Jay gang this episode is brought to you by ZipRecruiter I always find it impressive when someone can hmm let me talk about

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And now you can try it for free at ZipRecruiter.com. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash secret. Meet your match on ZipRecruiter. I hope Kanye comes back. I don't know, man. He is. He's coming back. Bullies coming out, apparently. You ever listen to Bully? That's what they say. Yeah, I love Bully. Wait.

Bully was the album he put out that had like some AI songs on it, but he put it out at the time when he was going completely insane. See, I didn't know what was real. Right, right. Some of the songs are like kind of fake. Man, it's just, and the funniest thing is that it's a really calm, like, thought. It's very like nothing's crazy on the album. Dude, it's really lovely and nice.

It's beautiful. And then you look at his, you know, he's online saying like, kill them all. And you're like, this is so nice to listen to. This is insane. Yeah, dude. Just sucking your cousin off. There's this musician I like who, John Martin. He was like this guy, like a British folk singer from the 70s.

And he would like, he was, you know, one of the first people who was doing the looper pedal. So he would do these like beautiful ambient soundscapes. And then I learned he had been like beating his wife the whole time. That's there. I know. So he would like have a vicious altercation with his wife, beat her, and then go like out in like the other room and just rip like a beautiful. Yeah. Because it helps you possess, you know, the, the, yeah, like the hating yourself for doing bad things like helps the artist.

And so maybe, unfortunately. Maybe Coney, maybe hating your wife is the key to success. Hating or hitting? Hating. We're both. I think it'll come down to both for sure. John Lennon used to fucking, like, beat, beat women. Beat women.

He wrote a song about it. It wasn't jealous guy all about. Women are the N-word of the world. Yeah. That was him trying to help them weirdly. That's, dude. He hated his wife so much. He goes,

you're the N-word of the world. I'm going to go, I'm trying to buy a house. That's what I'm doing. He was actually being mean. I thought he was trying to be the ultimate emancipator. What a dick.

Yeah, that was a wild move he pulled. Yeah. Yeah. I think women were like, yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? I've had a hard time believing

and they wouldn't be like, well. No, I think they love that. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, women have been fighting for, there's been that oppression Olympics for a while. It is funny that they have been,

in terms of like, sheer numbers, they've been completely shitted on for the longer, like, if you go back into like history when you used to be able to fucking, yeah, rassel them and shit.

And then all they get is like Hillary Clinton. Yeah, it sucks, dude. She just gets destroyed. Really sucks. It's tragic. Colala Harris. They need to like their own Farrakhan.

Yeah. But that's cool. When women get like too feministic, for some reason they lose their cool. Unfortunately. But they do that. And we go, yeah, shut up.

Yeah. Like they tried a million times. They have tried it. You know what? This is embarrassing of me to admit. But I recently, I don't know why I got this idea where I was like, dude,

I think women in like, you know, heavily Muslim controlled areas are genuinely happier than women in the West. Like Sharia law and stuff. Looked it up. Not the case. Not at all. I was like with Grock.

Like, yeah, but like what about it? He's like not even. they're not, they're so sad. I love that like ignorant take. That is funny. You meet a person from like a different culture. You're like, oh, it must be peaceful.

And you're like, are you Google? You're like, oh, they hate gay. Yeah. It's actually illegal to be gay. They'll kill you. I was like maybe they're like, you know, it's like as much as it sucks, not being able to drive or leave your house and having to do all them.

Or have a clit. Muslim women are like, the clit is like the appendix. It's not really necessary. It was a shameful thought. But I was like, maybe there's a certain freedom in that. And then I looked it up as like,

no, depressed. And it's also like the reporting of depression is probably so low too. And it's still. Right. Are they even allowed to get into that? Well, that and that's why they asked them more like, you know, like, instead of being like, are you depressed? Is they probably like no? So it's like, well, how did you ever feel like tired for days at a time? And they're like, yeah. And they're like, do you ever like think about just like sleeping forever? And then like, do you ever? And then like, I don't think so. I don't think so. You know, when they hit him with all those questions. Yeah. When they called a lot of data. It was like our Muslim men happier. And I don't think so. I don't think so. They're fucking loud and angry. I think if you're like religious, you're just never happy. Like if you're like fully like God will hate me if I do anything. Yeah. You can't be happy. But imagine if you don't beat off for one day.

I mean, I kind of lose my mind. Yeah. You'd be happy. I don't know. Lately I've been able to go when I like do shows. Every now and again, I'll go to a hotel sleep there, not beat off and leave in the morning. And I always feel like, feel good. Yeah.

Yeah. I didn't leave a fucking disgusting towel for that lady. get. That's why they're doing it. They're being Muslim guys are just considerate. The like the women have to clean up our jizz. You're not jerking straight into the toilet.

When I'm at hotel. At the hotel? Yeah. I do that at home. You jerk right into the toilet. Like just get it out. Yeah. It's a late night sneak away for sure.

I know. Late night sneak away. A hotel. I like, I just, whatever, dude. Yeah, you just paint the room. Not my bed.

Yeah. Treat hotels like shit. We were just, we just turned everything on at ours. Dude, that's our favorite. We don't make sure. Turn the TV on. turn the air conditioning on, fan, get everything going. Get your fucking money.

Yeah. Get your fucking money. YouTube, you stay on. You're my slave. I own you. But yeah, dude. Well, sorry. My bet.

You got Chimsy. If you're Jansi, yeah. Tourette's. I'm at the Baptist right now. My bed. So, no. Do you were lay in a hotel room and think about how many people

have came in the bed that you're in? Yeah. Yeah. It's that top cover you got to worry about, right? That they always tell you about. Like, that's how I get. The one on the top is, I think about that.

That's how you fall asleep. Ooh, it's nice. Yeah, I, uh, I don't know. I, I, I've always, you know, obviously people are doing stuff in there, but like, I got hit with the, like, genuine scale of it. I was like, dude, it's like every time someone hits one of these beds. Yeah. You're coming.

Yeah. Me and my ex at, we, like, she, like, demanded to, like, leave a hotel in New York one time because there was just, like, kind of obvious giz stains on the, oh, yeah. I think you're going to tell a totally different story where she, like, made you. She made me, I jizzed all over her. She got the bed wet. It was a whole, she's a pig. Dude, dude, come on.

It is funny to be like, there's too much jizz in this bed and you get a different room. You get a different room. You get in the room, you're like, there's not enough jizz on this bed, actually. You lay down, nothing like crunches or you don't see like a pile of dust. Just fly out and dry gum dust. I kind of missed the days when I was like a kid and like nothing came out.

Yeah. It was easier. You got the whole feeling. orgasm happened. Nothing came out. Yeah, man. It was great. I don't know. The only downside of that is my uncle would be like, what the fuck, man? I thought. Trying to get pregnant over here. Trying to get Bukaki by my nephew. This is unbelievable. Yeah, he just feels like I always let out my uncles. My uncle hates it. When he would molest me and I didn't come. That's not funny. I remember. I'm joking. I've never been

lesson. But I went to my, uh, I went to Penn State one time years and years ago. And it was like, my uncle was there with his kid. We're all hanging out. And we would go to the bar and I got hammered with my uncle. And I always like, fuck around with him. But like, anytime there'd be like a woman there, I'd be like, yeah, there's my uncle. I was just so like, oh, great. He's like a handsome guy for his age. He always has been. And every time like I would kind of like hype him up and be like, yeah, he used to molest. And then he's like, what the fuck, man? He was not at. I was crushing. He's like, Penn State has no. history of molestation.

It's totally true, but I would just be like, I would just build him up, he'll babe, and he'd be like, fucking nice, and I would say something terrible, and they'd be like, oh, what the fuck? I mean, it's kind of the ultimate bit with your boys. Yeah. You're like, yeah, he's a pedophile. I have a friend Joey that, that if we're in public at like a grocery store

and I'm checking out, he goes, just so you know, this guy's a registered sex. Like, every time. I mean, doing that to your friend, just in a grocery store being like, he's here to me a 13 year old boy. He levels it up too. He'll go like he's a convicted pedophile. He's a violent pedophile.

How do you play it off? I just go, he's not sticking out. I look more like a pet. I look more, I look guilty. No, I'm not. He is. You can't fight it, you just gotta laugh it off. If I were like, no, and I'd like kill myself.

Trying to hit like, Uno reverse, like, you're a pedophile, actually. You got to hit him with you wish, but he wishes. Dude, you wish I was a pedophile. You wish. Your life would be so... You wish. In your dreams.

Oh, man. That's a fun prank to play. Yeah, he plays a lot of pranks. They're not always fun. Hitting the... If you have the video, the best one is a video, like, you know, you have guys, the cameras, you surround someone in a Walmart and go like,

oh, you're here to fuck it. That is... I mean, that someone's got to do that prank video. That's got to be so funny. They do. It's all time. It's not even like, they don't even pose it as a prank video. They just get people in trouble.

There's like, like, you know, these nihilists. Gen Z kids. They just go to like Walmart and they'll just like point at somebody and be like this guy and he's not. It's just a random person. Yeah. That sucks. It sucks, dude. The pedophile hunting is crazy. Part of me like I hate to be that guy. I'm like, you just, you want to beat up an autistic guy. That's all this is. Sometimes it is sometimes I am like, I'm uncomfortable with how I feel like weirdly a little more empathy for the pedophile than the hunters. I'm like, stop pouring Tabasco in his eyes. And obviously like kill that guy. Sure. I don't, I don't want See it.

It is, man. Take them out back. Yeah. Do something. I mean, you know. Well, it's like, you know, if you're, it's hunting, man. You're hunting games. Sometimes you catch a big deer, sometimes you catch a little gear.

Yeah, exactly. But when it turns into like an influencer thing, like you're getting views off this, you know? It's gone down a little bit. For a while there was so insane how like Acon and like T-Pain and like all these guys. They started getting you like, like, celebs to go on the- Dude, it was like part of the circuit. Yeah. It was like, you're putting your album.

Like you're gonna hunt a pet file. It's like Ty Dolla sign is like shaving Epstein's head, part to bat, Mark Tabasco in his face. Those were so weird though. It's like, I mean, because those guys are being hunted for real, right? So it's like, there's a pedophile who's in his head. He's like, dude, I'm about to get some little boy pussy. And then Acon shows up.

He goes, this is the best day of my life. Yeah. Holy shit. Acon's going to serenade me fucking a boy. And then he's like, oh, it's the worst day of my life actually. Yeah, he's all over. He's like, play locked up. Can you sing locked up?

Yeah, he, uh, It sucks when they're clearly you're like, oh, this person is like either severely autistic or like has something. Yeah. They kind of always are, though. Definitely stop the guy from molesting.

I gotta stop him. But it's like, I don't know. That should be you gotta get them back. Just kill them. Sonic, bro. You just kill them. You think so? Yeah.

Yeah. There's a comic I know. I mean, why not? Why kill those people? Yeah. Do you think so? Pedophiles? I mean, all for sure.

But if it was like, if you have severe. severe developmental delays and all that stuff. And then like you get caught being a pedophile. And people like beat them up. I'm like, all right, dude. Yeah.

Yeah. It's a disability. Blow up the, it's kind of like the Baptist. There's going to be a pedophile in the Baptist next year. That shit was in you. I know what the fuck is in your soul. It's evil.

You ever see the pedophile fight back and they're kind of good. They got hands a little bit. There's a couple videos where like they beat up the pedophile and pedophiles like, I'm like, a fucking square up right now. And they almost lose a fight to the pedophile. I'm like, dude, could you imagine to him? Getting your shit rock by a pedophile. A buff pedophile.

Holy that. Like an expendable's pedophile. God damn. A saloon pedophile. Definitely is not his first rodeo. Rambo first kid. It's not his first rodeo. He's trained.

He's probably caught him slipping back in the day. Yeah, never again. Has someone for real almost lost to the pedophile in the Walmart? Yeah, in like a convenience store, like a liquor store. Walmart should have like a boxing ring

for if someone finds a pedophile. They should. Yeah. They should absolutely do that. Like Disney jail or something. Yeah. Should be an old black guy, man. Come on, put it on the gloves.

We're going to send a list like men. Then you get in there and fucking... Also, at this point, how dumb do you have to be as a pedophile? It's like, if a kid's asking you to meet a fucking gas station, it's a trap. Are you not seeing these videos? Come on. I mean, your dicks never led you to a strange place. No.

Never once. Not a gas station. I mean, like, all the videos are at a gas station or Walmart. So if I was a pedophile, I'd be on my P's and Q's being like, I've seen the videos. Yeah. You mean? Right. meeting at a Walmart. That's an obvious trap. We might ask you. You know what's funny though that now it's

now the thing about it's pretty you know like the bar lets out at 2 a.m. that's kind of like that that's 3 p.m. is the pedophiles 2 am. you know what I'm true you know what I mean if you're like a teacher pedophile you're like fuck it's almost 3 o'clock and you're like so like what uh what do you you guys going home after this or why we can keep the party going if you want you guys want want to do robotics class well that's the thing like we're kind of okay with is the women pedophiles Like, there's been like a revolution going on lately where it's like every week there's a decently attractive teacher that like fucked to like a 15, 16 year old. Has that been happening still?

Yeah. Happened like a week ago. Yeah. And she was hot. It happens all the time. Yeah. Well, now they're reading too much Duran erotica. Yeah.

That's why they're fucking becoming pedophiles. That's like, there's like shows about it and it's like hot. The show's hot. Yeah. What's the FX show called like the teacher or something like that with a, yes. Rudy Maro or whatever. There was a new book that just came out about a,

it's from like a fuck what is it called I think it's like Jeanette McCurdy I think she was yeah yeah she's a the Disney half half his age and it's about like a 17 year old seducing her teacher I read the whole book I mean I was the I was going to have her on I'm on my third reread actually

I can't get enough of this book I was going to have her wrong because I'm like man that's kind of wild yeah because you wrote the book you could have it was a senior she could have been 18 and like sure you know then you would have been but it's just like you know so I was kind of curious but I read it and it was it was like kind of I mean it was like really fucked up

I can spoil if you guys want to hear the ending I would go ahead but it's like so the story is there's this chick she's 17 it's like white trash her mom's kind of like never there her mom's always trying to find like the dude that's going to save her hot

yeah so it's already it's already hot as hell dude white trash is so hot for some reason I don't know what it is so she you know and then she has this teacher the creative writing teacher who like loves her writing and think she's like super smart and then she just becomes as a 17 year old obsessed with like how he's just like a you know belly he's receding hairline and how she's like I want to make this guy feel good

and like I'm going to show this guy how to like you know like oh like a pity like I want to give him a great moment she's a saint yeah like I want this guy she's the nicest lady of all time pretty much yeah and then uh so she just like sees this guy and he gives her like you know some positive attention. Like, I like your writing and I just, it's somehow just like trigger something in her where she's like, I am going to base, this guy will be mine. And she like seduces him and he carries out an affair of this lady and this girl and eventually leaves his family for her. And then she's just like, they're about to go on a flight together. And she's like, this guy sucks and just leaves. That's the whole book. That's the end. That's a whole book. Oh, man. After. But they, they have like, there's like a bunch of very gratuitous sex scenes written. It's pretty. Oh. Oh. Oh. Thank God. Yeah. That's kind of hard. You just described the most bleak book of all time.

Thank God, dude. But yeah, it was pretty wild. I read it and I was just kind of like, fuck, that's pretty wild. Like, what do I take from this? She realizes she's like, you don't need a man to justify your existence. Right, right. Yeah, I'm not just my femininity. Yeah, and the mom goes to romantic's or, yeah, romanticolics anonymous.

Romantaholics? It's not sexaholics. It's just like obsessed with flirting. Pretty much. Yeah. The fact that there's like a guy. that's going to come save you. There's going to be romantic holics.

Dude, I'm telling you that the erotica books aren't even so much about the sex as it is like the two people finally colliding. Like, what are the circumstances leading to that? Is it high class, low class? Well, yeah. Because if not, it would just be literal porn. Yeah.

It kind of is like porn comments put in a book. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's more so about like the, it's more about the situation around it then like just kind of like right and then she sucked his dick it's not that it's like they're from two different families they're not supposed to see each other he's rich she's poor romeo and juliet he sees yeah pretty much yeah i like touch her and you die yeah that's about a guy if like someone touches a girl and a guy's like i'll fucking kill you oh yeah right right so that's them saying they're

getting charged up off of like a homicidal do you have that i don't have it at all i'm not like protective over my wife in that way uh uh i don't Like, I don't, like, when she gets hit on, I go, cool. I'll get, I'll get a little angry. I was in a casino and a guy was like, he was in a slot machine like this. And when she walked by, he did one of these. And he had leaned almost on the floor. I fell.

Look at her ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I was like, what the fuck you did? And I'll, it'll get me every now and again. He's like, I'm fat. No, I'm sorry. You can cross a line, but I was at a bar in New York with my wife. And I'm sitting at a bar stool and she's in between my legs.

And I'm like kissing her neck, you know, full lovey-dovey. And this like, like, black dude walks up. He looks like Cuevo from like Migos. And he comes to, he's like, hey, mama, you got a man or what? And I was like, I'm literally holding her. I'm kissing her. And she, he was like, yeah, this is my husband right behind me. He goes, all right, bet. And he walked away. And I was like, can you believe that guy? And I was like, that's the coolest guy I've ever seen my entire life. I would have been a furious. I was like, I was like, the confidence to like see what the situation was. Be like,

you got a man. That's fucking crazy. That shit fucking, it makes me so angry. Yeah. I was just shocked. I was like struck by it. Dude, I've almost, I don't put myself in those positions. True. Stay way.

Never with a woman. That's why I'm an insult actually. Yeah, I don't know. Something about that really chaps my ass. I was, I don't think it's weird. I think it's a normal thing.

No, no, I think I'm like abnormal. Something about men cucking me in public traps my ass. Something about a man pretending I don't exist in trying to fuck my life

for some reason grinds my ears. Yeah. Hey, you're really weird, man. That's weird to shit. More like him, dude. Yeah, more like me, dude. Well, I'll deal.

I mean, maybe I should Zad out. I mean, it is, the fact that I'm cortisol spiking like that in public is embarrassing. Dude, clivocal spike and getting fresh shit. I know. These foids are getting to you. The voids are out of my brain. No, I, well, the thing is, too, is like, you know, my wife's black. So every now and again, like, younger black dudes will, like, try to like.

What have me and Devin had the worst reaction to that? I go, what? We go, what? Well, they'll Every now and again, they'll test me as like a thing Or like to like, you know, sure. And every, I'll, I'll completely 100% Irish spasmus me like, fuck y'all, fuck you got to fuck out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got the Irish spasmute for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Once it gets going, it's. You can't stop it. It's really embarrassing, too. No, I was like a thing with her like coworkers one time.

And like some like 20 year old popped off and I like fully was in his face. Like, I'll fucking kill you. And you was like, dude, can you please chill? he was like so young he's like dude I'm a virgin can you please leave me alone I'll fuck you right now I can kill you

yeah man I have that it's embarrassing I'm gonna you know I'd like to chill but I can't do you seem so zen you seem so chill I'm zend out but if I lose it it's called like it's just a flick of it's

I'm kind of the same way I'm pretty chill for the most part I can kind of chill and be like all right what does this actually affect is this a big deal yeah but every now and again if I'm in the right mood you push my buttons

I gotta get hammered to have have the confidence to just scream at somebody and act like I could fight. That would be, yeah, that would be nice. Drinking, I'm either like very friendly, but that is a thing. If I'm drunk enough and like someone, it can be like the littlest thing. And I'm like, what the fuck? Yeah, exactly. There's some flip switches.

It's kind of scary. All of a sudden, yeah, I think I'm strong and I can handle anything. Fighting words don't exist. I'll say anything to you. And I'm like, whoa, I'll sue you. Yeah. Hit me, I'll sue you. Always great.

I've yelled that many times. Yeah, yeah. Hit me and I'll sue you. So nice. I go ahead. I'll sue you. You don't know how the legal system works? Could you imagine like actually falling through on suing somebody?

It makes me laugh thinking about taking it that far. It actually happened to my buddy one time. Really? We were at a bar in Pasadena and he like got like a booth. He paid for a booth with like bottles and all and stuff. And he kept inviting girls over. And they're like, we're their husband. I like that.

He's like, get over here, shot you know. And then the girls were like, we're with our guys. We can't come in. He's like, fuck your guys. And the guys got. all pissed. And we had, like, you know, died down in the situation. We're like, all right, everyone chill, whatever, blah, blah, blah. Me and my friend went to the bathroom.

We came back. He's just getting stomped out the booth by all these guys. No. Like, absolutely fucked up, like, eggs on his fucking head. Did he? It was the getting killed. Was it high ground? Yeah, it was like a table, like a secret, like a, you know, like a club type table. But what I'm saying was it up higher than like, or. Yeah, yeah, it was like elevated a little bit.

Damn, he couldn't defend the position. Yeah, exactly. And he had the high ground. This is crazy. Yeah. But I mean, he was by himself. Literally siege warfare. We thought, we thought, we thought we like, you know, killed the situation. It's all good. We come back from the bathroom. He's just getting fucking stomped out completely.

Bleeding everywhere. Bruises all over place. He woke up next morning. He sued the bar for like lack of security. Hey. Huge settlement. That's a thing. Did he really?

Bro, I think he got like $150,000 from this bar. Wow. Lawsuits rule. Yeah. Isn't that crazy? I sued postmates. Back in the day. I just, they, they banned me for stealing food.

So I've sued them. And I won like $24,000. What? Yeah, it was kind of crazy. I mean, I'm exaggerating a little bit, but like, yeah, they'd like the app banned me and then I, you know, you get like those mesothelial. You just sign like an email. Like, sure, I'm a part of a class action thing. And one day, I just kept getting calls from some law office in Chicago. And I would like, what is this? I kept ignoring it. And then finally they got a hold of me. And they were like, we think you could go to arbitration. And this. I was like, oh, this is like a real thing. Why am I? I guess I signed something that most people don't. So I put myself in a situation where I'm like, yeah, sure. I'll actually like be a part of this. Why did you get fired again? Oh you uh... You're stealing food.

Get an order and then cancel the order and then eat a meal. I had like I you know- Oh so they had a genuine reason to fuck. Yeah but it's no one's working for them. So I'm like fuck with my phone's gonna like no. Wait, were you delivering for them or ordering? Yes, yes, yeah. I did Uber, I would do them all at the same time and like and you would they would have an order and you would just say actually I'm not going to take this

the person. Yeah sometimes I mean technically post- I didn't steal the food that often. Uber eats all the time. Uber eats constantly. I'd call. I figured out that they didn't track your like car or you're who you were.

And it's just some like sad lady in like the Philippines picking up the phone. So I would at the end of a night, at the end of a long day of delivering food. Because you get, if you cancel the order, you also get paid for the mileage too. What? Like, whoa, we're sorry.

Oh, you get to the restaurant and you go like, I can't do it. And they're like, oh, it's okay. Your car is broken. Fine. just try to get back out there. But I, so, so at the end of every delivery shift, I would like work, you make like 60 bucks

working like nine hours. Yeah, yeah. It's terrible. No one tips. Yeah. Just delivering to like celebrities and. I tip, I always tip my Uberries driver.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. It's appreciated. Did you ever deliver food? I was a pizza guy for a while. Yeah. Yeah.

See, the empathy. I have the empathy. I tip the fuck out of them. Yeah. It's crazy. Why wouldn't you? Same. Same.

They're risking their lives to bring you the food. And you see the service charge. I think the service charge gets people being like, fuck them. As a pizza guy, it was the same thing. It would be like, there was a delivery fee

that the restaurant would take. And I would get my, my tip. So, like, it was like my version of, like, giving myself a little nice end

to, like, a long day. Yeah. So I would pick up, I'd wait for a huge order. Like a gigantic, I'd, like, feed my friends. And so I'd go pick it up

and then I'd get in my car, I'd drive a little bit away from the restaurant. Then I'd call and be like, my car broke down. It was kind of fun. I got to, like, pretend,

like, to act and stuff too. I'm like, I don't know, my car, you know, the engine, it's smoking. It's, yeah, I'm on, I'm dead. And they go, oh, it's okay, just try to get back out there. And then they'd cancel it. I'd get paid for like, you know, an 11 mile drive. And then I'd get to keep all the food.

I did this like, I'm not kidding, once a night for like seven months straight. I felt bad initially the first time I ever did it. And then I found that like the restaurant, they still get paid. Like it comes out of the like Uber. Yeah. Like it's not like, like the people have to remake it, but they didn't like, They don't lose their money or whatever. The dude eventually gets his meal, just a little later.

Exactly. Yeah. And then, yeah, that's kind of sweet, actually. Yeah, it was, I mean, I, I'm not like super proud of it, but. Sorry to interrupt the podcast, guys. But this episode is brought to you by prize picks. Shoot your shot on prize picks and get $50 instantly in lineups when you play your first $5. That's right.

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Download the Price Picks app today and use Code Drenched to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. That's code drenched to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. Prize Picks, it's good to be right. Hey, real quick, while I have you guys, I have some shows coming up, and, well, we have some good news and bad news. the good, well, it depends on. For me, the good news is I'll be in Cleveland and Pittsburgh this weekend, March 6, Cleveland, March 7, Pittsburgh. And I'm not fron. I think both shows are

going to sell out. So if you want to come, here's your CTA, your call to action. If you want to come to those shows and Clits, or do you want to come to those shows, almost called it Clitzberg. That's crazy. Cleveland, Ohio, or Pittsburgh, Fordian slip. Yeah, just come. You can get my tickets. I think there's a link in this video to get them pretty sick. And also after that I'll be in St. Louis, Missouri, Indianapolis, St. Paul, Missouri, I guess. That's M.O., Missouri, Des Moines, Iowa. Phoenix, here's the big one, guys. All of them are selling pretty well.

God damn, that Phoenix Celebrity Theater is, it's not until April 17th. So we have some time, but that shows in the round and I actually enjoy performing in the round. So if you want to see my butt for like good 10 second stretches while I do my thing and, you know, I'll turn around. I'll show you my bulge at the Celebrity Theater as well. It'll be butt and bulge all night at the Celebrity Theater. Just an angry little micro bulge. I'll wear some joggers that night. So everyone gets their money's worth.

They can all go, ha, ha, ha, ha. Look at that. It's barely sticking out. Guys, I'll be in Tucson, Arizona. Toronto's a big one. Two shows. Again, not bragging. Nature of the Beast.

Two shows, both have Solicely. out in Toronto. I'm thinking about adding a third. So Canadians, I know I've said a lot of bad things about your country. I was just fucking kidding around. I love you guys. You guys love me more than all these bastards in fucking Phoenix, Arizona, apparently. So come on out to the shows. And then Chicago, of course, I'll be at the Riviera Theater. Probably going to add a second show there, hopefully, because that thing, Don sold out May 26. So whatever. Hopefully that makes sense to you guys. Go to Matt McCusker.com. And yeah, come to a show, man. We're having a good time. Also, I'll be doing algonauts in Austin, Texas. That's once a month I do that where me and

Tim Butterly take people's cell phones, project their algorithm through Instagram, usually on the screen and, you know, try to get a picture of like, who is this person? What are they, what is the algorithm being sent to them or what is being sent to them through the algorithm? What does that say about them? What doesn't it say about them? Because you can't just judge someone on their algorithm. Or maybe you can. I don't know. Come out to that. That's at the Creek and Cave. So if you go to Creek and Cave ATX, you can get that. And last. And I don't remember the saying last and cool enough. Guys, I'm tired.

Last and most importantly, Noble Bomb, I'll be in Philadelphia March 16th. I'm just visiting family, figured I'd strut my stuff on the old flagship stage. That is helium, Philadelphia. I'm going to get some of my friends. And we're all going to try newish materials, stuff we're working on. It'll be fun. Come out. It'll be St. Paddy's Day weekend.

can get drunk if that's what you feel you must do. And if you're trying really hard not to be drunk well, try to hold out. Come to the show. Be sober. You know, be fun. Learn how to be fun while sober or get fucking hammered on St. Paddy's Day. It's really up to you. All these, I'm laying out choices.

That's all I'm doing. I'm not trying to coerce you. I'm not trying to manipulate you. I'm just giving you choices. Do whatever you want. Love you guys. Back to the show. Pardon the interruption.

Pardon the interrupt. this is Sean Gardini. I just wanted to let you guys know that I'll be in Salt Lake City, Utah, at Wise Guys Comedy Club March 27th and 28th with Nate Marshall. So please come see that show if you'd like. And I'll be at the Comet in Cincinnati, not Comet Pingpong, just the Comet in Cincinnati on May 22nd and 23rd. So please come to those. That was a little joke there, but I'd like, I'd really like, like to see you guys at the show. So please come if you can. Tickets are at shongardini.com. And we also have optimum noctus at the creek in the cave in Austin, Texas, me, Nate Marshall and Lamerly every first and third Tuesday of the month. So thank you very much for your time.

Pardon the interruption. Enjoy the rest of the show. No, I, I worked for insomnia cookies. Do you guys have insomnia cookies? Yeah. Well, I know, not in LA. You know of it. Yeah, yeah. I worked for insomnia cookies when I was in college, I had this idea that like, I was like, dude, I could totally stay up all night one day a week and be fine. So I was like, I'll work during the day, go to school and then I'll stay up all night and deliver insomnia cookies and just ride it into like Tuesday. I was like, you don't have to sleep every night. It's like the worst version of hustle culture I've ever heard. I was like, if I just do one all night or a week, I'll do a nap. I'll be fine.

Totally. And I did insomnia cookies. and you know so I would go in there and I wanted to do my bike and they're like we have enough bike delivery people you have a car I'm like yeah I have a car so I get this big order put it in my car I like pull up to the place pop my tire on like the in Philly has a lot of these like metal lining so the curbs I don't know why they do it they'll put like a coping on it and uh and I just pop my tires one of them was sticking out it's like fuck so I'm like sitting there with the pop tire I call insomnia being like yo my tires pop And they're pretty much like, yeah, just figure it out.

I was like, fuck. So I'm like, okay. No support. No support whatsoever. And it was one of those cars that had like the hubcap key where you needed to get like a certain thing from inside to even take the tire. And it was just like, I was stressed out. It was a very stressful night. And yeah, luckily this old black guy came up was what the hell are you doing?

And he was like you saw and he goes, oh, that's a mercury. I had a soft top mercury cougar. Okay. And it was like old black dude. Yeah, chill, dude. So they were like, bro, you need the hubcap. So this old guy came up. He knew exactly what I needed.

Pause. And like, he'll. He's walking over and he was in, he's walking over to him, he's zipping down his pants. Like, oh,

what you doing, man? I know what you need. He, dude, he completely dad bogged me. And he, like, knew,

he, like, you need a security key. Show me, took it out. And he, like, you know, pause again. Then he,

he fixed the tire. So, you know, my black daddy came, fix the tire. Yeah. And then, um,

so I go back to him with, Omie, a bit of a chip on my shoulder now. And they were like, oh, you ready for more deliveries? And I was like, that's all you guys care about, huh? Because I hadn't slept. I hadn't slept all nights and I'm all sensitive. Like, you guys don't even fucking care about me, do you? There's nothing worse than like, uh, working at a job and people care about the job.

Oh, yeah. You're higher ups, you know, I mean? Yeah. I worked at Abercrombie and Fitch. Did you? Come on. Was that shirtless or was that Hollister? They asked me to do shirtless and I said, I can't do it.

Because it's like a hundred bucks a day. I was like, that's not the price. Yeah. That's crazy. To be shirtless in a mall. That's fucking... Me and my, I didn't know him in high school. We stopped hanging out with a guy

when he got a job at Abercrombie and Fitch. I mean, I'm kidding, but we were kind of like, we really like brutalized him for doing it. I don't mean to brag. I got recruited. Genuinely. By three different Abercrombies, I'm walking like a community college campus.

People are like, do you want a job? And I was like, no, I'm good. And then the third time I was like, all right, I'll take the fucking job. Really? Constantly happening. You're like, thank you, Mr. Wexler. I'll be glad to.

but dude I yeah I worked there for I think three weeks worst job of all time it's like four hour shifts it feels like it's 10 hours yeah they pump the perfume through the vents you're like nauseous headache retail is the one job I've never worked at anytime just hearing the same song over and over again stacking pants people who work retail I'm like why are you doing this work anywhere else yeah it's people get addicted there's some people I know just do retail

yeah clothing stores a lot of younger women do it because I can get the discount they can get their clothes. Yeah. Right. But yeah, it always seemed like super fucking miserable. Well, dude,

yeah. So I'm working there and like, I also got like class action like checks from these people all the time because they were just fully illegal, you know? Like so I like, I get the job. They make me buy an outfit.

Like you have to dress head to toe in Africa. Oh yeah. They make you buy it. So I had spent like $140 on an outfit. It's not. It was like 20% off. What? It's an expensive store.

And I was like fucking 19, you know? Yeah. That's kind of brutal. So I remember like I went. The manager was like this like really like, like gay guy, you know. And I go and I put my shirt on and wear large.

I like bag your clothes and he goes, it's not small enough. And I was like, for real? And he goes, yeah, tighter. Put a medium on and he goes, not tight enough. What? And I was like, what? This is crazy. You're like, you're raping me right now.

That's crazy. I go put a small, dude, my arm's like cutting circulation off. And he's like, perfect. Yeah, it's Kevin Spacey. And then they make me like pose for photos for like the employee catalog. I have no fucking clue what's going on. But I'm truly in a shirt that's like killing me and pants are killing me. And then I just had such a weird vibe from that that I was like,

I can't do this job. And I put my two weeks in. I was like, I'm out of here, you know? Yeah. And then that manager came up to me. Fine. You can wear a medium. No, for real.

For real, dude, it's the worst thing I've ever heard in my life. He heard that I put my two weeks in. He comes up and he goes, so I heard you too good for the fitch. Wow. Dude, I quit now. when I left. I just left the store. Too Good for the Fitch. I was like, you're the worst person I've ever met, dude. You're too good for the Fitch. Sam, heard you too good for the Fitch. This is like a guy who's like a career manager of Abercrombie. He's probably the regional. He's probably the regional. He's probably the regional. He's probably the regional. The rest of your life. You just go drive around and check on stores and you get paid like a hundred something. Yeah. That is the thing with retail. It sucks. But if you become like a, you know, regional or whatever director, you kind of have like a cakewalk the rest of your life. You just like drive around and check on stores and you get paid like 100 something. Yeah, for sure. I mean, I know people that like make a really good living just like they work their way up at like in and out. Yeah. And now they're, I know I know dude to do it at Target like years ago. He was just like the regional VP or something. He's like, I just drive to stores and I'm like, man, it looks good. Yeah. I don't think I've ever had a good job. I'm like, man. I don't think I've ever had a job. I'm like, I can do this. Yeah. I worked on a weed farm for a while. It was kind of fun. That's kind of chill. You could just smoke weed. You can just smoke weed. You can just smoke.

and trim and shit like that. I painted with my friend. That was nice. We painted houses. Yeah. That was actually pretty. I actually like kind of like that. I got paid, you know,

decently. Oh, dude, I forgot to tell you. So the, I just completely forgot the, what you're gonna call it? Insomnia cookies or whatever. So that when I pulled back up and I could tell they didn't care,

I went in there, can you take another order? And I was the same thing. I'll take an order. I was like, I'm taking this right home and eating it. But like, yeah. So I take it order. my guy, I'm going to go get these in my roommates for any cookies. And then I like forgot my jacket. And they were like, oh, dude, can you take another order in like a bunch of milks?

And they hand me like a fucking massive cookie order with a bunch of milk. And I was just like, definitely taking this all home. So I went home to my, I just left. And I was like, I went back to and I was like sitting there eating cookies with my roommates. And then I had the phone numbers for the orders on the little slip. Yeah. So I started calling them and being like, you know, I'm outside. Where are you? And they're like, I'll see you. And I'm like, oh, come outside, man. So I had this guy walking around looking for cookies. I was like 19 and I called him and I was like yo I was like oh dude I had to spin the block there was a bunch of like really shady guys standing outside and he was like where I'm like I don't know dude I think it was like a gang outside You got to watch out with those guys man they're trying to steal my cookies and he was like oh oh oh and just keep coming down like wave your are you wave your arm so I can see you so the guy who's outside I had him doing all these like weird like calcett yeah you're like I think the

Bloods are an Ambler, Pennsylvania. It was, it was University of Penn. Gotcha. I was like, dude, there was these guys out there. I think it was like a gang, bro. What the hell? He was just like, I don't, I don't see anybody out here.

I'm like, I'll be back, man. I got to spend the ball. Dude, for my own safety, I'm not making this delivery, dude. Can't do it, dude. I might die. Then I called the headquarters of insomnia as one of the other deliveries that never got ordered. And I called like, hey, my order never came here.

And they were like, well, you know, blah, blah. making all these things. And as they were like, hey, we'll figure it out. I was like, I probably should need him. I'm so fucking fat anyway.

And they started being like, oh, come on, man. Don't say that. I'm like, no, I'm a fucking, I'm a fat piece of shit. I just shouldn't even have.

I don't, probably the weirdest shift that guy's ever had. I mean, like, I think I have to talk to, he's gonna kill himself. I think,

I don't know. This store finally called me like an hour later. Like, are you okay. Yeah. I'm chilling. They're like, okay.

They just hung up. Yeah. That was the end of that. I used to deliver whippets to a drug addict. Did you really? Yeah, because I don't even understand. You can go to a smoke shop

and just buy like Whippets. Yeah. And there's, somehow like it's like, I guess the law like is like, oh no, people also just love whipped cream and stock or something.

Like I don't know. But yeah, and this guy tipped very well. He would literally answer the door like a breaking bad messhead like in a robe like, and like grab this big package of like, yeah,

Whippets I would get him from like a smoke shop. For like Uber, it was just, it was legal. Dude, so apparently if you do whippets all the time like that, your body just stops

producing vitamin B12. Like it like fucks you up. That's like people go paralyzed. Like your brains too, right? Like your brain has like weird spots. Maybe. I don't know.

Probably. The biohacking whip it addict. It's like you got a supplement with the whippets. Well, there was a lady who went like paralyzed. Like she had like like leg stopped working because it's something to do with your body

not producing like certain things and like you just shuts it off. Dude that and did you ever fuck it. And did you ever fuck with 70H? No, that is. 7.0.H is, uh, it's funny because I brought it up one time because I just like found out what it was. And I like brought it up on a podcast and never finished talking about it. So people are like, dude, whatever you do, please don't do. It's like 70H is cratum. That's been like processed and refined. Almost like, you know, there's like percocets and then

oxy cotton. Or it's like the same ingredient, but you just make it super strong. So, uh, 7. is the shit they sell at gas stations that's like stronger than morphine yeah but you can just go buy it at a gas station it's insane so like people go there so you're there you know you're at the gas station you're like yeah let me get uh you know let me get some zins and those guys some of the guys would be like oh man said try to 7 oh h and people are like what's it like it's like it's very chill and there's dudes that start doing it they become literally they got to go on like methadone to get off of the crazy christ it's like the smoke shops were selling spice for a while it was like the fake weed and people were having like seizures you're like And shit. I've talked to people who do like a lot of drugs and like meth heroin. They're like dude, dude, they're like, dude, K2 is fucked up. Yeah, dude. Which is, you know, same thing. And it's like, yeah, it's a big jail drug.

People do, they would do K2 in jail because it's like they don't. CETamine? No, it's a spice. Oh, spice. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's like, yeah. It's like, yeah, dude, we're smoking deuce.

And like, my friend who's done literally every single drug you can imagine is like, bro, fucking K2 is fucked up. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I can't smoke weed even. You should try spice once. You think I should? I'll lose my fucking mind, dude.

I knew dudes who could smoke like ounces of weed. Yeah. And they would have, they would go on probation. They would smoke spice. And they were like, bro, that was fucked up.

He smokes weight. He turns into like the Coney 2012 guy who just starts jacking off. He just starts jacking off. It fucks you up. Dude, it fucks me up in a crazy way. Last time I smoked weed out was probably like 24.

And my friends from California, I was living in New York. They sent me like a weed pen. I ripped it twice. I was up until 5 a. crying because I couldn't remember like Alan Rickman's name. I'm like in bed with my wife. I'm like, which is fucking name? She's like who and I'm like in Harry Potter.

And she's like Daniel Reichlund. I'm like you bitch, no. I made her going like IMDB and she goes Alan Rickman. I go yeah. Oh God, I love weed. Dude truly. And then like I remember like that same night I was like such a cliche. I was like watching family guy to comfort me. I was like I need something like comfortable to watch. Yeah. I would laugh at a scene in family guy and then start crying because I forgot what I laughed at.

Oh no. Weed does something to me that it's unbelievable what it does to me. I get Alzheimer's. I get Alzheimer's. Truly, dude, I have to mention it when I smoke weed and I'm scared, you know? There is something scary about that though because I used to smoke weed constantly and like having like the coolest thought ever that's going to change your life. Yeah.

And then two seconds later going, wait, what was that? Right. Yeah. Forget it. What the fuck is going? Yeah, you do get like... So I do that and then cry like a baby. I'm like way too emotional.

It fractures me, dude. What the fuck did I live? I get so high that I would forget what room I'm in. So I'd be like so high and I'd be in the bathroom like peeing and I'd finish peeing and just be sitting there like, eh. And then it would slowly be like, where am I? And I look around and I was like, oh, fuck man. I used to smoke so much weed that I'd get like panic attacks from them and like,

but I knew how to handle them. and I'd be like, all right, I'm going to go put my feet up, get some blood to my head. And then in the next day, be like, that's good. Not thinking about like, that's kind of a crazy experience to have had. I would also on dates when I was younger, I would get secretly so high from edibles and go on dates. Yeah. So like I'd be like a movie date just like chill with my wife now. We went to the movies one time and like, you know, middle of the day.

And I was like panicking from an edible. I went in the bathroom and I'd be like mid date like staring at myself in the mirror being like, dude, you can alter your reality right now. you don't have to be afraid. It's all on your head. Now get back in there and enjoy Wuthering Heights. You have to. I know.

For your wife and your family, you have to enjoy it. Like you have Marvel movie. Yeah. I go back in and be like, I think I just hacked my fucking brain. I'll never be afraid. I think I'm Iron Man actually.

We're immortal. I just found out we're immortal. Yeah, I don't, I rarely, I'm like, I'm like such a baby. with it. We're all like, it's like a little bit. It changed my brain over time. I just smoked it so much

that as I got older, I was like, why am I doing this to myself? I'm like nervous and uncomfortable in public now. It used to be like the total opposite. Yeah, it just fucks me up now. Yeah, I'm just not a drug guy at all. I've never done cocaine. Me either. Yeah, never will. I don't understand the point. Never will, never have. I did Molly for the first time with Devon. That's new years. Yeah. Molly's chill, I think. I lost my mind. Well, yeah, at a party, it'd be tough. But I feel Was it a party? It was an Airbnb and Joshua Tree. It was sick.

It was actually great. We were alone. The highest. It was just me and Devin holding each other. We became one. I'm caressing his back. No, Molly with the bros is nice though.

It was me and all my high school bros and Devin and, uh, everyone's drinking too, though. So you're not really getting a full experience. Yeah, dude. The kicking on Molly does, it's actually, this is kind of embarrassing because I've only ever, well, this isn't the embarrassing part of thing,

but I've only ever taken it with my wife. We go to a hotel room. We take it and we just like chill. That was the best part, though. That's chill. Yeah, that was great. When it kicks in, I need her to like hold me because I, like, it hits me so hard that I'm like. Do you shake?

Yeah. When it hit me? The first time I ever did it like earthquake, like the whole world started shaking and it came on and I like. You ever seen like butterfly effects? Yeah. You know when he like transitions to a new timeline? That's how Molly hits me. The whole world's doing this and I was like, holy fuck.

This is most scared I've ever been. Yeah. Yeah. The high was cool. The come down was the worst I've ever felt my entire life. So. yeah, the come down for me is not bad. I didn't have a problem with it.

I learned if you just have, if you just smoke a little bit of weed like a vape pen during the, I'll lose my mom. But like you got to, my brother was like just sip it from the vape pen. Just have a little bit. That actually did help.

Last time I did it was like, the cum down was kind of nothing. I went out, I ate a huge meal. Sam, Sam. I felt like really happy actually for about a week after I first did it. Yeah.

If I, if I killed with the come down with weed, I wouldn't be here today. I think it would actually kill me. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, the come down can be,

I could see it being kind of uncomfortable. Dude, I feel like I was going down a roller coaster for three days straight. Really? I had that like body anxiety, like my stomachs in my throats. Really? Three days straight.

My, I think my baseline is so low and depressive that like the Mali wear off him is like, I still feel like, like he hates when I, I discount that it's the Mali that gave him this feeling. We were like binge drinking for days on end. There's like nothing worse. And alcohol, like, it makes me, I have, like, visions when I'm hung over.

I, dude, I'm the same way. If I drink heavily for, especially if I, like, tackle like two days together, I'm, like anxious and depressed for like three days straight. Yeah. I mean, it didn't help for sure. But I've been hung over a million times. I've never, I'm hung over right now. True.

So, you know, I don't, I don't feel all right, you know? Okay. That's fair. But now, I think maybe the Molly by itself, if you ever try it completely by itself, I don't think it's that. It's pretty chill, actually. Yeah, the first time I ever did it, I, I, I, I, I, I don't know, I, I, I don't, I had like two tall cans.

I was like, this sucks. And then my friend had given me a bag of Molly because I was very depressed about Kobe dying. And he was like, you gotta get out of this funk, man. It was, he's a great guy. Love you, Mark. That's so funny. Yeah.

And we were all going to do like, it was very LA. It was very, yeah. We were all going to do like mushrooms. And then it just kind of fell through. And I was kind of like, man, fuck, I wanted to like, it was in the pandemic. Yeah, we're all stuck inside. So I just kept like dipping into this bag of Molly.

throughout the night and then it all hit at once and everything shook and it was like crazy and I vomited and then I went into the bathtub and just like kept feeling like the tub and shit and then I just stayed up all night watching Kobe highlights and just going like this like in front of the TV. It was amazing. It was like amazing. Everyone else hated me

because I kept vomiting and making their lives horrible but I had a great time. No, it was great man. My best night was their worst night. It's awesome. That's so funny all night. Truly, my friend, He came upstairs to check on me and I was just like doing this in front of the TV. A good cartoon character.

Cartoon happiness. You're like a Sims character that's glitching. I went to bed grinning. Like I remember falling asleep like... It was amazing. I mean, I've seen you watch Kobe Highlight sober. It's the happiest I've ever seen. Yeah, I love it.

Yeah. Kobe freak over here. That's awesome. Obsessed. Yeah. That's awesome. My cousin played against the Mamba in Summer League. For real?

Yeah. My cousin was like a really good. Yeah. He was a really good basketball player and he played. in the Summer League. And I remember him being like, dude, there's just guys from Italy. And he's like, he's like, and my cousin was really good. And he was just like, bro, like this guy's a freak.

He's definitely going to the NBA. That's unbelievable. That's the greatest. I met, you know, Pedro. Yeah. When I started doing comedy with Pedro, Pedro said he went to Lower Marion and I was like, can I shake your hand? Like, that was the coolest thing ever to me.

My dad went to Lower Marion. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, snap. That's great. Yeah. Yeah.

Pretty sick. I mean. Well, guys, I think we did it. We're at an hour. And I have to go now pick up my kid. Okay. And we're going to have a date. Sick.

A little date. Little date. What are you going to do? Like two kids. And the one's going to gymnastics. So every now and again, when one of them's busy, I get to do like one-on-one.

What are we going to do? We're going to, well, it's funny. She already, she picked out her outfit she wants to wear. So she's going to wear. This is the cutest thing of ever heard. It's very sweet. And then we got to go to the thinkery,

which is like a kid's museum. And just like, let her play in there and probably go out to like early dinner. And take her to the mothership. Yeah. Top it up at Mitzis. So we're gonna go, I'm gonna go pick her up at 2.30 what time is right now? Oh, perfect.

2.30. So that's great. Hell yeah, man. Sorry, I don't know why. No, I'm just excited. I should have kids. Yeah, I'm sorry. What's your fucking problem?

I don't know. You're happier than me. It's fine. Thank you guys. Thank you, man. Do you have anything that? Yeah. Hey, watch, watch, podcast.

Hey, watch, podcast. We're both on that. And Lemon Party. We were banned of YouTube recently. There's a much more powerful Jeff out there than Epstein, I believe. Check out Lemon Party. It's fine. It was just somebody kept reporting us or something.

Are you guys going to get it back on YouTube? You hit up people. No one gives you a response. We got some emails from like our ad people. No one responded to us. I don't know. We'll figure it out. It's fine.

Yeah, hell yeah. Hey, watch podcast. Yeah. See you guys. Bye. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's secret podcast on Spotify. Do it.