Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 603 - GEY DOT COM (feat. Tim Butterly & Mike Rainey)

Episode Date: March 12, 2026

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Support Mike & Tim @ https://www.patreon.com/dadmeatpodcast Mike @ https://www.patreon.com/getinsomehead Tim @ https://www.patreon.com/timbutterly Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Go See Tim Live @ https://linktr.ee/timbutterly Go See Lemaire Lee Live @ https://lemairelee.fun/ Go See Shawn Gardini Live if you want  @  https://www.shawngardini.com/live yo0o0ooo. What's up guys. Got the day 1 broskis in matt HQ for the cast this week. We love Mike and Tim very much - please check out everything they're doing. Check out Dad Meat, Tim Butterly's Show, Get in Some Head, and Lil Stinkers. Also go check out gay.com. Please enjoy. God Bless. Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/DRENCHED and use code DRENCHED and get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup! This video is sponsored by BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com/MSSP Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Wow, wow, Wes. Welcome to the motherfucking podcast. Yeah, thank you. Sean, did you get that? I had a nice moment. I had old Nate with me this weekend, and we were in, it was either Pittsburgh or Cleveland, but like when you come out at the little theater,

you can see the people on the sides who are already seated. So I always scope the stage and people will see you. And this one guy from the balcony went, from backstage, which I was like, that's a nice, nice moment of connection. Pretty much ended the male loneliness epidemic. So two guys going, uh, just two 40-year-old men.

You never see Shalamee doing that to anybody. Shalmay could probably talk to one of these. I mean, it's such, it might be, if I have to go through every hand gesture you can possibly do to somebody, this might reign supreme going, you think that's a threat or just like an acknowledgement? It's just like one party bro to another. It's a totally dog.

I mean, it could be a threat. If you see a guy with his girlfriend, you go, then it'd be like, bro, I'm on a date. What the fuck, man? This is a creeper. I don't know what the guy was doing. He's got out of hand. As soon as you're a girlfriend or wife turns around, you go back and go,

well, well, blah, well, blah, well, well, well,

uh, well, well, God damn. Dude, Mike, Randy, Tim,

buddy, thank you guys. Good to be back, man. I love talking pussy gestures with you guys. Pussy gestures is amazing. I called, I called Rainey recently just to talk shop because I'm going to come to your dad meet. And I think two weeks when I get back from spring break, spring break forever.

I'm going to go visit family. And, uh, and, um, I'm talking to Rainy. And I was telling Rainy, I was telling Rainy, I was telling,

yo, nicotine, that's not bad. That's too much. They flip you. Yeah. It takes a while. Whatever, like, sensitive stuff you need.

No, no, I'm telling you. I tried. Those like little villi or whatever in your esophagus all have to die so you can do nicotine tablets. I can't hang, man. They're rough. You might get kind of horny too. My heart's pounding right now.

Dude, I gave one to my brother at a wedding. He goes, dude, I got like bricked up. I'm feeling anything like that. And I'm watching Conalingis. So I'm good. True. This is a true test. So we, I was talking to Rainey.

I don't even know how we got on the subject. I probably, brought it up honestly, but I was talking to him about, um, just like going to Vegas. How do we get on this subject? About, uh, jacking in hotel rooms. Probably was jacking in hotel rooms. That's probably how we got on to this. But I was on one.

I was telling him like, dude, like every last time was in Vegas, it happens to me every time in Vegas. I don't like Vegas. I don't want to be there. You know, I just, I don't like it. I'm sorry. I don't like the city. But there is also a part of me.

And this is probably why I don't want to be there is like, whenever I'm going to the airport, I'll pass those like real seed. like shitty motels next to like a fucking porn shop in a strip club and I'm like just let me fucking beast down give me three months dude of just like cargo shorts

white feeder flip flops to just live in a shitty motel in Vegas and Grotux come back. Yeah every guy should have to leave it on Las Vegas treatment at least for like a summer camp I don't know

I pass him and I gotta be honest there's a part of me I would never do it but it's part of me being like you'd love to just park it in there for a few months Park it in there for a term Rosel State a pig and I was telling rainy is like oh yeah like oh you're gonna throw up

you throw up in the plant dude it'll get you take drink some durn water drink some durn water what the hell you're getting the hiccups you're just that's step two to throw it up I told you

I can't do oral nicotine it's crazy how do you live like this you gotta get used to it man you got to, you got to slowly put, you know, slowly put the, you want me to pat your back? The D. I was trying to think of a thing. I almost called it something else.

I'm like, that wouldn't actually sound real. Sound good. I was going to shorten nicotine and call it. He shortened nicotine deed. I was like, that might come off wrong with the podcast. The,

yeah, every night's waking up every day in the shitty motel. Shitty motel. Horn shop. But that's what's on rainy because I think we're our philosophy is the version, being a total pig in a shitty motel in Las Vegas. He was like, yeah, just like completely pig out.

I was like, no, I would get in the best shape of my life in there. Like prison. These are two different prison philosophy. Exactly. Exactly. You might go the way of indulgence in terms of comfort. Yeah, I would train harder than ever and be like a jacked sicko pervert bringing lunch to strippers at like 1130.

And I'd bring them healthy stuff. I'd bring the strippers like healthy food. Yeah. Every time I'm in Vegas, I order healthy meals, I'm like, this is just me and prostitutes and strippers eating this food. We're the only people getting an ASEA bowl in Las Vegas. Just being Dominican prostitutes. Yeah, ASEA is like hook or foe.

Yeah, this is a fun exercise to do in Vegas. Just stop randomly in your travels in the street and then see how quickly you can get to a vegetable. And it'll, it's like performer vegetable. Like no arm to like. Yeah. Yeah. See how long it takes for you to find a guy with a wheelchair that you steer with a straw.

That's just, that's no. How soon can you eat a vegetable? And it's taken me a very long time to find. I should provide context. We were, Tim, you gave up the vape. You gave up the fucking V. Which isn't fair.

Which is, you don't, you don't think it's fair. I think it's totally fair. Why? You can't vape and be a daddy. I think you can't do anything. Daddy. Become a cigar guy. Well, full time, Daddy. Ew, no.

Why? Daddy's sucking a fake hog again. There goes daddy in his friend. friend, look at them out there. That's just like the bath fog. It keeps the real ones out. That's the passy, bro. That's so you don't suck your thumb.

I want the synthetic cigar. It's fine. I don't need the plants. No, the cigar. You need a cigar. You need your paw to be sitting there. Yeah, you don't go on Instagram and post La Familia. No.

I'm not going to post like, you know, how they like they wear suits to a funeral and they go, I clean up nice. You know, they feel like your kids. Yeah, you just described my wigger brothers. Come on, man. That picture, too, is always like, you can have, you couldn't even recognize the person. They somehow get such a far suit now.

See the haircut? You're like, I think that is. I think that is that guy, I know. Yeah, the chin strap gets shaved down to almost like pencil thin. Like, it's just an outline of their face. Is your wigger brother still alive? I think so. I'd have to check, but probably.

Yeah, they never die. They never die when you. want them. They are living longer. Like they are, I think it's like global warming that's doing it too. Yeah, life expects the on them is like maybe, how old's Everlast? Is he might be the eldest? I would say 55 years old. 55 seems kind of aged for them.

50s. Oh, he's 55. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Which in in Wigger years, that's, I mean, that's geriatric. That's like Moses. That's when they said like Moses was 900 years old. Yeah. Yeah, you're like the Indian guy with like the curled fingernail. Yeah. I feel like once you go, I mean, Everlast. Your hat brim gets longer and longer.

until it curls in on itself. Everlast paved the way with the gray hair, though. Yeah, you might be the first to see gray. Day one. And it helps through. He named himself Everlast. He walked so my brothers could limp. What'd you say?

I said, oh, I'm not going to repeat it. But I said, Everlast walks so my brothers could limp. They're both faking disability for work right now. It's kind of an inside thing. I mean, that's also, you got to. Yeah. Do you think he intentionally left the House of Pain guys behind or whoever is.

Wasn't he in House of Pain? Yeah, he was in House of Pain. I think three. What happened to those guys? I don't know. I think maybe the DJ is the Limp Biscuit guy. I might have my Wiggers mixed up. Hold up.

You're telling me the DJ from House of Pain joined Limp Biscuit. Is that DJ lethal? Hold on. Can I just 50-50? Where are they now? Can I get to grind a rail real quick? I can't.

I got to process this information. Can I grind a curb with my rollerblades real quick so I could just process this? I didn't know that. Yeah. What? Yeah. man. And there was a, I think there was one other guy.

Who did pack it up, pack it in? Was that Everlast classic? Yes. Okay. That part was sick. Showns jump around. That was House of Pain. Yeah. Danny Boy. Danny Boy. Where the hell's he at? Dead, probably. Yeah, he sounds like he got killed in a motorcycle. Is he alive? Wow. Where is Danny Boy? Boston. Probably the Boston streets. Or maybe L.A. Either way. Um, we don't have to research this. That fucking. Either way. that's whatever that blew my I blew my mind I had no idea

yeah damn so that was a huge snag for LB like how did that even come about I don't know man it's like I gave up trying to figure out Wiggers because it's everything about them makes less and less sense like you think you have them figured out as a kid

you're like okay he's gonna die at 19 in a dirt bike accident he's gonna die of a pullover dose at 26 but now you see them like old enough as to where it's hard for them to get out of a couch and you're just like, I give up trying to figure this out. Yeah.

That is prime time. Their legs get really skinny. Their legs almost atrophy. And they're wearing the ball shorts. So it's just like these little skinny little. You never catch you lifting legs. These purple sausages. They'll do let it.

If they drop the per cabit, they'll lift legs because they're sponsored. It's crazy. And then they get like the big belly. And then, oh, their glasses prescription ends up like mine. Old Wagers get really like they get Buzz Lightiery your eye prescriptions. And they so now they just got these. googly eyes and like a, it's funny. Their eyes are magnified, but their pupils are so

constricted from perks. They probably look like the exact same size. Yeah, any chance you can give me a ride to infinity. Yeah, you don't see them anymore, man. I don't, I don't like, um, or have they gone just mainstream? I'm thinking like, they stay inside. They don't, they don't get out as much after they stop like going out, you know, searching for honey dips, obviously. Yeah, they're both side trees.

You might, we might have a start outreach program called a Peels on wheels. Peels on wheels. He's dropped to Perks. Peels on wheels. They get really into like complicated like

like hacked fire stick setups too. They had the nastiest fire stick setups when you go over to their duplex apartment. Dude, that fire stick is like a fucking wigger Rubik's cube. Is it true that there's a signal for the fire stick that gets like sent out and like erase is a fire like if you buy one today. Like a month from now, something that gets sent through the network that scrambles your fire stick.

The signal is a wigger screaming to his girlfriend. You know I got demons crystal. Because I've heard that before, that the fire sticks, like, they only last, they only last so long. I don't know. I've, I've, I've been gainfully employed most of my life. Damn, they get doused. They get doused. I think they get extinguished.

I came to get doused. I had an F.S in my house in Philly for a little bit. Yeah. Dude. Another thing, too, is like, hacked or straight? It was apparently like anything on it. So it was, it was like,

it was a hacked stick. And it was just a pain in the ass to navigate. Oh, they love doing it. They love, they love going through 14 menus. There's like like a bad UFC street. Like we would go to watch a movie.

We'd be like, fuck yeah, we got this movie. And it was be in French. And it was like, fuck. Yeah. You go back and the next one has like,

it's a fucking cam. Producers cut. There's like every shot. Just on like that tile screen. It was, yeah, that was all. I was like, dude, I remember that, you know, my wife is always loving to save money.

So that was one. I had to be like, dude, can we can I just get HBO, please? This is, this is getting ridiculous. Did you give it like a burial at sea or anything? No, I, I want it out. I want to get rid of this thing. She was like, she was like so stoked on it. And I was like, bro, I'll get us.

HBO's $30 a month. What the fuck are we doing? This wasn't that long ago. It's just like when we lived in Philly, like right before we moved. Principle of the thing, dude. She hates, she hates all these mergers and how all of your information and media is being funneled through, you know, a very slim hole. I am getting horny.

I'm being bricked up from the nicotine overdose. This episode is brought to you by prize picks. The playoff push is heating up and tournament hoops are here. And there's no better way to cash in if you're right on the high flying hoops action than prize picks, where it always feels good to be right. Every bucket, every dime, and every win means more when you're playing on prize picks. discuss my favorite picks for March Madness. Let me think about that.

What do you guys? Let me turn the question to you guys. Nate, you watch college basketball? Let me see. What are you just just name a team. How about, yo,

how's Duke looking? I would definitely, Duke's always a safe pick. Yeah, Duke. Oh, hold on. We're talking about picks. Picks.

Picks. Talking about action. What are you talking about? Duke, let's say Duke. And I don't know, maybe you can Michigan. Oh, there we go. That's my two top teams.

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Price Picks app today and use code drenched to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. That's code drenched to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. Price Picks. It's good to be right. We were talking on the way up about like, I don't know how we got on the subject of just old, old

like network TV and how they're still just like pumping millions of dollars when it's like bros, it's over man. Like nobody's nobody's tuning in to fucking like Fox. Yeah.

When's the last Fox series you watched and like finish it all the way through? Grounded for life. How long ago was that? Probably 30 years ago. Yeah, it's insane. They still just like fucking put the bread out. I think it's money laundering at this point.

You think so? Yeah, I think they generate ad revenue because all of the channels are being played in like every waiting room everywhere has like five TVs now. And that's where all of your ratings are getting, I mean, I can't imagine. That, no, that makes sense. because my theory is that the execs are also just aged boomers because it's aged boomers have the Comcast deal. Although I think my parents have finally taken off the Comcast shackles.

They cut the cord. Finally. And I could be wrong. They still might have like, dude, their bill was like $470 a month for cable and internet. And I was like, what the fuck are you guys doing?

But I think the execs have the same brain where they're just like, we got it. This time we double down. They're probably just paying like Jake Gyllenhaal $900 million. And they just do another. It's just cowboy shows. It's modern cowboy shows.

Every network has to have a modern cowboy show. You watch Landman? Are you a landman guy? Haven't seen it, dude. I saw a little bit of Yellowstone. Landman. Is it good? No.

No. It's Billy Bob Thornton being kind of pissed off. Taylor Sheridan rules, though. Is that a guy or a lady? He's the guy who created it. Oh, okay. Yeah, he created Mystic River, I think. No, not Mystic River.

White something. Dude, I was talking to someone recently. They were trying to tell me Westerns are dead. I'm like, no, they're not. They're the biggest genre. Yeah. It's the modern Western. It's Yellowstone,

King of Tulsa, and Landman. Now, they're all going for the... It's either gay hockey or now... Modern Western. That's where we're at right now.

You're either a fan of one of the other. Dude, gay hockey is, like, ruining my sheets. Like, my wife is heavy in the fucking gay hockey, right? The gay hockey. Yeah. Have you seen the show? No, I just know it's books.

He goes, what show? There's a show called Heated rivalry. Oh, yeah. That is a... Is that a Netflix thing? I think so. Dude, the books are fucking. They've been heavy for a while.

And like, I remember go to the bookstore and just seeing like, dude, what the fuck is two guys kissing in the camp penalty box for? And then it was just like, oh, you find out like there's this whole jubri subgenre of gay hockey guys. Now, chicks are getting squishy for it.

Here's my question. And again, I feel like girls are significantly lagging guys in this regard where they're just getting into like dirty books. Like, I feel like, if you went to a porn shop, that was the first thing we did with movable type.

and they got into it after Kindles. 2026. You think there's old sluts leaving like bags full of gay hockey erotica in the woods now? There could be. Well, it's also like if you went to a porn shop back in the 90s and you were trying to buy porn, there'd be like guys in the aisles trying to blow you. Yeah. So I wonder if you can catch chicks in the Barnes & Noble's fucking like,

you pop out a book and there's a lady on the other aisle. Stick your finger through like, hmm. Hit the Starbucks Cafe. Yeah, because I don't think girls are like hanging around Seedy Bookstores. You'd have to redesign the grill by the way for women. Yeah. What would you?

I mean, you would need some sort of vacuum pump. What would you do? It was a seat. It would have to be like a seat. What did the perfect times are cut away right now? What would that look like? Yeah, I think you're right. It would just be a toilet, but there's just a face under the toilet.

And you would let you sit down. Like she's kissing like the Barney Stone. Yeah. You'd have to have like a mummy tomb that you laid it and then the lady would drop. Now, we're, we're figuring out for them. Let them figure it out for themselves. Queen slut in common. But yeah, the erotic lit is fucking, it's crazy.

Although, me. Can you get hard to that? What? Erotically. Yeah, I can easily. Me too. It's tough like when you, when you could tell like, like, I'll go on literatica sometimes and like I'll pick out like a highly rated

story and just think to myself, dude, how are, who's giving these. Wait, what's literatica? a website or like a place. It's a website. Where you can like pick all these different subgenres and they're all like regular people submitted. And it's like you could pick it by author or by subgenre. Some have audio

I've heard. So that's pretty cool. Wait, you're listening to user made audio erotica ebooks? I have. Sure. Or it's not if some of them are just audio. It's not even a story. There are some. It's pretty much.

It's pretty much a podcast. I'm just a lady going, oh. It's taking a shit. It is the podcast. Yeah, erotic lid. I talked about this for a while. I don't mind a racy story myself. I could get into erotic literature.

I don't mind. And it feels cleaner, too. It's refined. It is refined. You know, have all those images bounce in your head. You just read the story. You get charged up.

And there's ones where you could like, it's like a mad lips booklet for sluts. What? Like you can create your own story. No. You ever choose your own adventure? Yeah. it's not on literatica, but it's a page.

I was like, how the fuck did I miss this? Yeah, five bucks a month will get you anything you want, man. Hold up, save. Choose your own adventures. Oh, dude, I'm putting all my reasons. Wait, are you just clicking that ad on porn that's like, you make your own lady. Stop jacking off alone. I'm not. Who says I am?

There's horny sluts and, wait, that's my town. Wow. It is funny. Imagine if that's a legit thing and there's a door-to-door guy, be like, excuse me, man, are you a horny slut? Horde. Slot census. Dude.

I watched, you guys watch soft fight underbelly? Yeah. I love that channel. I, they just put up one recently about a younger guy who,

the title's just like, it's something like I had the internet at a young age. Like I had too much internet at a young age. And I was listening to it earlier today. And,

you know, he's like, my dad was gone. And he was working all the time. And one of my friends, I guess it started. He went on to gay. com.

And I was like, he got turned out on gay.com and he just never recovered. Dude, gay.com. I didn't even know. I'll be honest. I'm not trying to flex.

Like, I'm the straightest guy in the world. Gay. com never even thought. Bro. It's like you. What's up with gay. dot com?

It's like a ghostbuster trap. It'll fucking suck you right in, man. Dude. Gay. com was killing me. And he's just like, yeah. I think he brought it up

almost is like a lemon party type joke. And the kid was like, yo, what the fuck is up with this? He was young. And then he started doing the shit. Oh, like early teens, probably like 14. That's not that young. That's like 30 years. True. You're right. I, again, I don't want to,

I like, I'm mixing up the ages. He might, maybe he was 12 or 11 during gay.com. Yeah. Because he does jump around a lot. You know, it's hard to put a real, uh, it's hard to put a finger on. It sounds like he probably had a more serious problem that he's trying to pin it on gay.com when he was 13 years old. I, yeah. I mean, again, we've all seen Lemon Party, but I, I, I think he was just like, well, you know what, fucked him up. Gay.com led him to Menchats. men chat is where guys get together to chat mostly gay guys asking young boys for videos of them jerking off

so he started supplying the bros with the goods or I should say the bads he started supplying the bros with the very bad he came a creator at a young age he came a creator so he took control of his own content but then the guy was like oh so he was like did this for money he was like yeah well I didn't really have like a bank account so like I just did it

he was just love at the game at first just kind of like I guess thriving off the buzz. And, yeah, I didn't watch the whole thing, but I was like, dude, getting sucked into gay.com. I mean, the gay.com men chat pipeline. But the thing is, he lived in this. I, I, all right, I will go back and watch this entire thing. I highly doubt the headline should be,

I got the internet at a young age. There's no way that's what went wrong. Yeah. I don't know, because everything else was pretty like, let's go back to a younger age and maybe there was something there, you know. Maybe. Maybe there was some kind of serious disappointment. or harm when you were much younger.

That see, the guy, the guy's a good interviewer. And he was asking him about that. It was like, he was just a bored kid and his parents were too busy. But the, I thought to me, this is, this was the thing that really kind of ticked. It's crazy to be that bored. I've, I'm a bored. So you ever hear JRP's dude? Like the rest of us?

You guys were bored nerds. Did any of you ever think there's a chance like, I'm so bored. I'm going to, I'm going to throw meat at the old guys. Not once. Yeah, I was so bored. I would wrestle my uncle. nothing to do, man. This guy's full of shit, dude.

Wrestling, man. It's the oldest trick in the book. But yeah, it's, you know, again, it was like, I was, well, I had questions as well. I had questions for sure. Dude, getting turned out by gay.com. Makes me laugh so fucking hard. It is, like, genuinely funny.

Yeah, what did they have on the homepage, man? I don't even want to look, dude. I don't even want to imagine it, man. Dude, I am worried I'll fall in face forward. But the problem was, here's a thing, man. The kid's out doing his thing, obviously. But he would split time between living in Mexico and the States. And when he would go to Mexico, it was just couldn't do gay shit at all.

So he'd have to detox from gay action in Mexico. Because I guess there wasn't a ton of gay action. It's probably really risky. Wow. Fucking. So you can get back to the land of the free. True. Land of the freaks.

But yeah, he, yeah. He would go to Mexico and just have to complete. completely just fucking detox out because there wasn't gay action going on it. I mean, I'm sure you can get it if you want in Mexico, but I think you have to be like high society do gay action in Mexico.

I'm just guessing. I'm saving up to be gay in Mexico. I'm saving my allowance. You'd have to do like, you'd have to get into like highly acclaimed avant-garde theater. And then you could probably score some gay action. There's specific places.

Like, you got to go to taking it in the Cancun. Right to him. You're straight face. Jason of something like that. But yeah, that was that was something I was just kind of just enjoying. Uncle Poco. The opening, Uncle Pocke.

The one thing that, the way they started, I mean, let me just, the intro to it, goddamn, where's my phone? The intro, this is how fucking crazy.

And again, you know, look, we all have our demons. I'm not making fun of this poor guy. But the, the way the intro is like, bro, come on, dude.

Having this recurring fantasy that I would walk to the basketball court at the park and that construction workers would, you know, pull me into the bushes and rape me. And I would fantasize that I was the guy

getting dunked on and his balls would get stuck on my head. I shouldn't have played that. How the heck did you pull that up so fast? I was watching it, dude. It's his fucking home screen, man. Some of us are producers and podcasts. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

That intro, though, was like, what the fuck? So, we'll just, yeah, it's probably the internet. I think it was the internet guy.com, dude. Beware. All those youngsters out there. Look, live your life. But words. You go to one bad website and now you want the construction workers to rape you. Well, he's, it was, it was like a worry. That's legit fear.

And then walking back. You never walk past a construction site? Wait, did he say it was a fear or a fantasy? I think he's fantasy It was a fantasy Bro Yeah Okay well look we look

Okay Fair enough Wait it was a basketball court By a construction site is what he said I believe so Oh my god sounds like a fucking Cheezer I mean pick your boys and

Yeah That's how the N1 mixtape tour ended Anyway I feel bad making fun I'm not making fun of the kid But It's just funny It's undeniably funny

To get sucked in to gay dot com It's so easy to get sucked at that age You have no idea I had stuette It must be, you could, I mean, world's your oyster. Tapes hit me hard at that time, VHS. Yeah. Tapes were hitting me hard.

I didn't have internet yet. So I had an aunt who bought me a softcore porn from the Playboy catalog. She bought me a movie called Camellion. Another satisfied customer of pay.com. Your aunt. Yeah, she let me pick one one movie from the Playboy catalog. And I picked Camellion with Tori Wells. And how old were you?

12. What was, were you? Have you like, I mean, how good of a boy are we talking? How good have you been? Dude, I was. Straight A man. Your listening chart must have been off the fucking. Dude, no trouble.

A little chubby, never said a peep. I really kept it myself in my aunt was just like one day. She's like, pick something out of this catalog. I look. Okay. What is your thoughts on that? She's a criminal. Okay.

There you go. But she also left me five Gs when she died. So, and Patsy, if you're listening. Thank you for the movie. Thank you for the five Gs. She's a. criminal. She's a criminal with a heart of gold.

Yeah, because I have thoughts on being like, you know, again, you're talking old school. I'm an old school guy. Is that like the subtle hookup to be like, I'm going to get this kid of softcore. But then again, it's like, oh, man, when you say it like that, you go, why? Dude, it's tough because like that's, that summer that I got it. Like, I was being occupied. Like I had Sega Genesis and I was playing PGA tour three. So you had shit to do.

Yeah, my summer was locked down already. but then she's like, pick something out of this catalog. And Camillion looked enticing because Tori Wells was beautiful. And I was like, right, I'll take this. And then like midway through the summer, the tape came. And the door had a lock on it. And it was one of those TV, VCR combos. And I slid it in and it was just like, p.

Yeah. It was like one X. So there was no penetration. But I knew what was happening. Can I get that? Yo, bro. I mean, I got to give it to you. Fantastic pick.

Yeah. What year is this? Probably 1993-ish. that's wild did it come in the mail like how did it did a giant box came in the mail knew exactly what it was when I arrived at Aunt Patsy's geez okay well yeah

you have to watch it alone you don't have to watch it with her or anything no I didn't have to watch it with her although a couple of times my cousin and I my cousin Chris and I watch porn together that's you sharing the wealth obviously I think so too yeah cool guy watching porn together that was I saw a lot of people a lot of folks doing that

he would just make a joke every now and again he would we would just to kind of light in the mood. No, that was, that was a big thing. I met a lot of young bros were watching porn. Like, we would get, we had Spanish Fly 14.

Nice. We looked through our neighborhood. And we just like, it was just everyone had that. Is there a system for it? Like, who got, who got it went?

Older brothers dominated the goods. Yeah. And, you know, I was like, they gave you guys scraps. That was like the guys are mad max. The tape had been like worn thin. They were like,

here you go. Fucking loose. Yeah, we had the Spanish fly for a while. And we, when they would always get caught. we would always get busted. We were like the Taliban with rockets. Every time we got, God forbid, we had one little rocket, dude.

We would get busted immediately. Somebody would get busted. Because it was. It was the Tate. It was the VCR. We're putting it into the getting pussy program. They cannot have pussy. We have to stop them now.

Because it was always that VCR, right? Is that Spanish? Yo, bro, you're giving you flashbacks. Wow. That's a great one. That was a great one. That was the, yeah, but you had to like, there was the VCR.

like if you saw the headlights hitting that front window, you'd be like, huh, hit it fucking like. Yeah, every VCR sounded like Nick Nolty getting out of bed. Then your bears would go home. You'd just be sitting there like four people on a couch, no TV on.

He was like, sweating. Oh, hey guys, how's dinner? Yeah, it was, man. Yeah, that was so fucking nerve-wracking. Yeah, I remember we didn't have porno, but do you remember a PBS series called Nova?

Well, they did, they did one which was a lady giving birth. And like, it was full on pussy shot baby crowning. And like we were all just sitting there like this, like the situation room when they got bin Laden. So what's the policy now in terms of like internet porn? Do you have to ever give your kids to talk or you're just kind of like? No, someone on a Roblox is going to do it for you. You think so? I think that's a huge issue right now.

Roblox is a big issue. I watched another soft one underbelly about that. I was molested on Roblox or something. No, it was like, it was like, it was like, this is a huge deal. It's a giant issue.

It was, it was, it was tied to someone talking about like Epstein. It was actually a legit Epstein survivor. So what's Roblox? Like Petto Minecraft? Yes. But the game rules for kids, right?

Uh, I heard it's fun. It's, it's ass. It's ass. It's ass. Every game in Roblox, there's a,

better real game out there that I would prefer to pay for. Yeah. But they're going Roblox and it's free and then all the fucking kids from school are playing and being fucking, you know, groomed and shit. Groomed and a ton of pedophiles on Roblox, apparently. Dude, I'm in the... Well, no, I don't know. Are you going to get in trouble for saying...

No, there's some here you can get trouble. Roblox says beef of that. Clean up the goddamn pedophiles off your game, dude. Fuck you guys. They're kind of protecting the predifiles. What? Yeah, there's guys that are taking it upon themselves to weed out the pedophiles. What are they paying for a lot of the skins or something?

These guys are fucking paying a lot of money. I paused my childhood for this. I ended my innocence to be. What's up with Roblock? What are they doing with their pedophiles? They're like the guys that are trying to like root them out and like trap them and stuff in game are getting permanently suspended and shit like that. And the pedophiles are just being kind of let off with like a 30 day ban or something like that. Yeah.

What the fuck? I might be misremembering and I haven't totally done a deep dive, but I think that's the gist of what's going on. So allegedly. Is it guys like hot talking kids or are they like is a character molesting? Well, there's a guy that showed up at a kid's house. Whoa. Yeah, no, I think they're, well, yeah, I think they're just trying to like,

chat them up kind of get like what's the situation like? And if they find like not a lot of parental stuff, it's like, let's go. That's how those fucking bastards work. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Recently I've been, when do I feel the most, amount of pressure at work on stage or when I'm lying on my belly. I know what it's like to feel stress and burnout. And what's helped me during those times?

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Guys, please, please come out this weekend, this Friday, 313. That's March 13, 2026. I'll be at the factory in St. Louis, Missouri. It's going to be a good time. Also, on Saturday, I'll be at Closed Memorial Hall in Indianapolis, Indiana. Sales are looking decent for both of those, but we could use a little week of push, if you know what I'm saying. So again, I'll be in Indianapolis on Saturday, St. Louis, the Lou on Friday. Please come out. Bye.

Also, me and Nate Marshall. This is me, Sean Gardini, and me and Nate Marshall will be in Salt Lake City on March 27 and 28. We'll also all be in Houston at the riot festival at the riot in Houston in the beginning of April. so please come out to that. I'm sorry, Lamar. April 3rd, 4th, and 5th are those dates. Optimum Noctus, April 2nd, 7th, and I'll be in Cincinnati and Springfield, Tulsa, and OKC. Please come if you can.

Thank you very much. Goodbye. I'm like, right now my algorithm has been, because I watched that one I watched, and now it's like nothing but that kind of shit of like child groomers and how prevalent they are. You got to pull yourself out of it. Dude, it's every night I like fantasize about like beating pedophiles with baseball bats and like shooting them and stuff.

Because now I'm like really, because I like great screensaver for your brain by the way. That's a great Roku city to just have playing in the background of your mind at all times. It gets me to charge as I wake up. I get woken up in the middle of the night, put my kid back to bed. And I go. So what the fuck would I do if I saw a pedophile? And I just start. I get my hearts by beats per minute.

in my heart are like 1.30. I'm just laying there like, do you sleep in pedophile, a hunter pajamas? I should. It's like, yo, pedophiles. And now I'm like obsessed with sleeper cells from like terrorism stuff. So I'm like, okay, like if I'm in this play, I'm in a kid's play place, guy comes in. I just game plan. I'm like, between that and the Western Lonesome Dove I'm reading. I'm so, I've never been closer to getting like tactical training with weapons. Because I want to become like a crack shot who can also, because in the in the book, dude, do you ever read, Either you had a read, ever read Lonesome Dove, who, I mean, I would immediately start. It might be the best, my opinion, one of the best novels of all time.

Just about, like, two guys who are old Texas Rangers who had to go and, like, you know, fight Indians, like, bad guys and shit. And so they're, like, kind of retired. But now the one guy's, like, we should get, they, like, steal a bunch of cattle from this guy in Mexico. And they got to just drive a herd. It's about, I would say, about 1,000 head. Hey, man, you ever think about playing gay hockey? dude they got to get them from Texas all the way to montany and then they just encounter all these people on the planes but like when they encounter dudes that like can't shoot people or like don't

know how to learn like weapons trained they're they're just kind of like bro like they can't get the fuck away from me i'm like i can't i got to be weapons trained there's touches of that in the dark tower the gunslinger really yeah roland's like the best you probably even a better gunslinger than the lonesome dove guys yeah not you're talking augustus mccray i i i'm Before I went to bed last night, he literally shot like nine people. Fucking blue duck got away, son of a bitch. You let me gun slinger. You were the first friend that ever let me go.

He's the best shot ever. He's way better than the lonesome. That's Cowboys. Stephen King fantasy stuff. Although I heard that series is sick. I got to read that. Well, the like the pecking order in the Wild West is like farmers are kind of like, you're kind of a joke.

Like you're a hard worker. The cowboy respects the work ethic of the farmer. But you're a soft target. You're an easy, an easy target. most likely. And there's also a thing with cowboys where like, if you ask a cowboy to get off his horse and do a task, he's going to get kind of miffed. It's beneath a cowboy to get off his horse.

You're like, hey, he'd off my horse and like pull these pigs out of the mud. He might want a problem with you. But then there's cowboys. So the cowboys above the farmer. But then amongst cowboys, it's like, have you ever seen any battle? You know, there's all that other stuff. How good are you playing cards? So then there's like kind of cowboys, good cowboys where they're kind of pussy cowboys.

And there's like badass cowboys. but they're bordering into renegade. Renegade is like pretty much end-all-be-all. Dude, it's tough when pigs get stuck in the mud because most of them are a front squeal drive. You're like, if you leave. I call them shouts now. I don't even call them pigs anymore.

Shotes. That's one independent shote right there. Lonesome dove, man. Man, I can talk about it for an hour and a half. It's nice to crack into a good book where you get lost in the fantasy. 800 pages, dude. Oh, my God.

I'm so sad because I'm on like, I'm 600 pages into the... book and the thought of it ending. I'm like, motherfucker. Then it turns out, so the guy who wrote Lonesome Dove, I think his name's Larry McMurte, Mertie or something, Mertry. Bro, guess what else? Guess what other

Western he wrote, co-wrote, by the way. Nice. What do you think? Get a guess. 310 to Yuma? What's another Western? Tombstone. Brokeback Mountain. Whoa. I was going to say that as a joke. No, he literally co-wrote Brokeback Mountain.

But I tell myself. Who's the co-writer? Lady. I tell myself the lady handled the gay love story. He did all the good cowboy shit. Yeah. Because he's like, I'm like, this guy's my favorite.

I looked up his other books. I think you're going to hide broke back inside of Lonesome Dove when you're finished with it? I mean, Lonesome Dove's so good. I might give Brogback a run for his money, honestly. But it's, I think he handled all the cowboy details.

I think there was a lady who cooked up a sick and twisted plot. And she goes, I need a real cowboy to get in here and nicest thing. Like, oh, Larry. to Lonesome Dove? Yeah, by the end of that journey, you're ready for him. I mean... You're not so lonesome anymore when there's two of us.

Here's a thing, though, man. I mean, I think it happened out on the range more than people care to admit, man. I mean, you're talking about. You're on the plains. Sunsets. Yeah, you're out on the plains, man. There's not a tree in sight. It's just grass as far as you can see.

Trust each other with your lives. Exactly. Yeah. Who's your horse going to tell? Well, they would also, they would get naked to, like, the fordering rivers was like a huge That was one thing cowboys would be afraid of because it's like these dudes can't not swim.

Being covered head to toe and denim doesn't help when your neck deep in the Mississippi River. Your wrist is like you have a thing wrapped a leather strap wrapped up your wrist you don't lose the horse. And the other part is just a horse biting it to hold on to it. Yeah, I don't know. Horses can swim too.

I just didn't know they can swim. Yeah, horse can swim. Crazy. But yeah, they would like get naked too. They'd all get naked together because it's like if you only have somebody dry clothes so you wrap up your clothes. If they got, like, wet from a rainstorm,

you had one other change of clothes. You think fat cowboys wear a shirt in the river? I think it was impossible. I don't think there were fat cowboys. I think there's just fat cats. If you were fat then, so I want to be like, here,

do you just want to own this railroad company? Yeah, you'd be like a banker or something. Yeah, you'd be a big fat banker. But yeah, Lonesome Dove. Can't, I,

I swear to God, dude. It's like every night when I get to hit the sheets and read a chapter of Lonesome Dove, I'm like, Are you going to bed earlier and earlier? Just did it again. Yeah, I mean, it's as soon as I can get there. As soon as everything's done, I'm right in bed.

Right. I only pause the story if I'm going to get some motherfucking pussy. Yeah. I had a pause of dove last night. I'm getting to the age where when you get the real. So, you know, when you're like 19, 20, maybe even early 20s, man. You guys, you know. Dude, your girl's like, is that a copy of Lonesome Dove on my lower back?

I'm getting to the age too where it's like, you know, I always took like a 100% 110% boner for granted. Like I know, man. Every time cash money. Yeah. Bro. Last night I had 110% or not. You just enjoy it so much.

You're just like, let's fucking go. You just feel awesome. You're taking beat. I've been running a lot. Okay. So, yeah, I've been doing a lot of sprints too. Like when you do sprints, like you're, you produce a lot of growth. hormone and it like you know when you lift weights your muscles grow when you do a lot of high like

intensive cardio your whole uh circulatory system the growth hormones makes your veins like wider more expansive so you just you just get blood rushing so yeah if anyone out there is uh slapping the old fish around the market you got to you got to become a creature and you start spring for your life too just imagine at the 100 meter mark it's just your hard boner you just Now, how long do you got to be training to, like, get that kind of boner? Dude, I think it's like, honestly, it's pretty quick, honestly. I, I don't know, because it's like, you know, there's a lot of other factors, obviously. You know, boners are a complicated beast, but, uh, you can't think about them.

That's the one thing. You can't as soon as you like, be like, am I all the way? It's just, it's a no hitter. Like the second you mentioned it, it's gone. It's gone, dude. So that's been, uh, it's been fun. For me, it's a fun game. I always like a nice challenge.

now, I've always been said. I've always been like, I don't know. I've always been able to talk about. I'm like, not me, bro. I'm ricked up 24-7. I got to try it because, like, I think I'm, my default boners at like 80. And it's like, you think back to all the boners you took for granted, like the sixth grade ones when you're reading Diary of Van Frank. Just rock hard just bursting through your fucking khakis.

And you're just like, yeah, this would be for the rest of my life. I mean, either. Is either one better? They mention that in the sequel, Sean. That's how they caught him. He was throwing down on the toilet. I support your journey. Thanks, man.

No, this is a complete no judgment zone. I did. This is a serious question. Was there racie stuff in Anne Frank? Because I almost vaguely remember dudes getting kind of bricked up reading. I think she was in love with her cousin. So it's like being that like step stuff is popular now.

I think if you read that now, you might look at it from a different perspective and get a little, little hot in the pants. A little hot in the striped pajamas. It's a sixth grade boy. That's not that crazy to say. You know, I get charged up on anything when I was in sixth grade, honestly. You're just reading a girl's name. That's what I was in. Reading a girl's diary.

I was like, oh, fuck, dude. Honestly, it's like shameful that we were all reading this poor girl's diary. Yeah, it's kind of weird, honestly. I know. And then it was all made up. That's the worst part. Oh, I thought we were joking around. We're talking about boners, dude.

I thought we're having a fun time. We're having a serious conversation about boners. Sorry. But we can have a little joke here and there. Right. Welcome to the podcast. Dude, I support your joke as well. Thank you.

I support everyone right now. Dang, they should make you. You're hiding jokes in your podcast? They should make a joke, like a pride joke flag. You know what I'm talking about? Instead of like the rainbow flag, that's like trans, gay, lesbians, black people for whatever reason. I'm so sorry they made you guys all gay. That's like if you're gay, fine.

But like if you can't just be gay and big, and we call black people too. It's like, leave them the hell out of this. Pinks, pastels, blues. It's like black and brown. The hell is that? Atlanta. What is the reason for that, by the way? It's such a weird movie.

I saw like, you know, and again, whatever, fucking do your thing. But like, that was always the thing for me. I was just kind of like, why, what does that represent? And I'm pretty sure it represents like being in solidarity with black and brown people. Nice. Like, that's nothing to do with sexual preferences. Do you guys feel bolstered by gay people joining your cause? Unless that could be, I don't even.

No one. I think Matt's on to something. It says here for, uh, specifically to represent and include LGBTQ plus people that are Bipak as well. Yeah, but what the fuck? So it's only for Bipa. Like, when you guys are gay, it's a whole separate thing.

So it's not a stri- Black people, be gay like this. Would you guys consider marching with furies? Well, man, I'm gonna, hold on. Man, I'm gonna, hold on, man. Shut the fuck out of the line detector. Not out of like a political thing, just for kink. For kink.

Not your thing? Yeah, okay. Fair enough. So the stripe, just to clarify, that's what the stripes for. It's not for like BBC loving or anything. Anyway, that's, I was just curious about that. So funny throwing that on there, like a kid throwing a candy bar on the fucking, the fucking belt at the supermarket when his mom's not looking.

Toss it up. I'm done. I mean, I think personally, if you have a flag, totally fair, needs to come with a national anthem or some sort of song. There needs to be a gay national anthem. I, that's, look, you think so? Unofficial ones, yeah. Pink pony club is up there.

Pink pony club? Damn, I fucking love that. I listen to that with my kids all the time. That's a gay national anthem? No, just maybe in my head. Yeah. Isn't like a lesbian stripper? Yeah, Caleb Scott's big.

Okay. Techno Beach, Madonna. Why, I see it. There you go. Never mind. Calling Mr. Vane. It's on the list. Lamar, what are you talking about, dude?

That's definitely the gay national anthem. Anytime, if you're dressed like construction worker, someone has any other type of outfit, you get called the village people, and people are, you know, gay national anthem, we're sure. This is how we do. No, what is it?

Oh, really? What the hell? How's it go? Could you sing it's just a bar of it, maybe? till her thing ever Sean could you add like rattling chains to the Oh geez But don't you be so fucking nasty today

No That was more about his Tambor and And the way he was saying I'm sure it's A higher register When you're on one today What

Matt what are you talking about Well Well well well So what else you guys up to you know me I was picking out in that hotel room what were you doing oh yeah that's oh that's okay that's where the whole conversation came from you were at a hotel next to the airport and I got secretly very jealous

of you you can really pig at a hotel next to an airport yeah bro I'm not kidding when I say I was four or five times a day they should cut the hotels next to the airport should have a direct modem connection that can go right into your phone yeah at the end of the the day my phone's like, I'm tired, boss. It's nice, man.

I crank the fucking tunes. I talked to my phone. That's awesome. You were just set up like a king, just chilling. Dude, I got such a nice hotel for $85. And I was just going ballistic in that fucking thing. I was having, I told you, I was having guests come up to record podcast, too. So I was meeting guys in the lobby, bringing them up into like a, like a, a cumvade.

Was there a towel under the door? It probably felt like the rainforest in there. It was so nice because there was no like verification like it is in Texas. Like back in Pennsylvania, it's the Wild West, man. Have you verified? It's funny to bring that up. This morning I did because one of my favorite lady, Sadie Andrews, she was putting out a new video today and I signed up for her premium service.

But I was kind of bummed because the video she posted didn't come out until Tim and I were on our way here. Man, your aunt, I hope your aunt burns in hell, dude. What a fucking legend. Yeah, I can't wait to dig into that thing when I get home, man. You think this is more acceptable than daddy vaping? I'm ready to have this conversation. This is better than daddy vaping. Daddy gooning is better than daddy vaping.

Here's the thing. In privacy, yes. If you were to get busted daddy gooning and then You're vaping right in front of them. No, I don't. You vaping. I hide it from them. Like a, that's different.

Hold on. That's different. Of a different color. That's good. I'm completely on your side. Yeah, if you're privately vaping, that's your business.

Also, just secretly vape. I have so many uncles that secretly smoked cigarettes. Everyone in my life. Yeah. That actually does sound exciting. Yeah, dude,

I had uncles that just smoked cigarettes on construction sites, but never do it around anywhere, like anywhere else. Yeah. That's so cool. I'm going to start vaping on construction sites. Hey, watch out. Just be careful.

Yeah, that's what you can do. I think you could continue vaping if you got real into like, if you build a gazebo, I feel like if you build a gazebo with your bare hands and you're like, I'm going to come out here and vape. Yeah. No, I can say shit to you. My vaping gazebo?

Covering a nice crawling ivy. I think if you build a gazebo, I mean, no, I, I, I, geek bar gazebo. Don't bother daddy. He's in his gazebo. Yeah, when you put it that way. I might not help the cause. What if you like draped it out like a really sheer material so that when you vape, it's like almost like a. Oh, that's a ceremonial thing. Like some pipeette, like some pipe and draping.

Sure. I mean kind of chill. Yeah, you know what I'm cool as hell? What if I set up like a tap system at a bar? So I'm never actually vaping the vice. there's just like cords that come down that are tapped to like, uh, vape banks under the gazebo and I'm just hitting the tap.

That's kind of nice. That'd be fucking sick. I could YouTube that. What about hookah? You think whoca? I would be like, I do have e-hookas. I do have a couple of disposable e-hookas.

So is that a vape with just like a, with a genie on it? It's like a, it's like a tubular vape with like, uh, well, one of them has like a flaming night on it. And it's not vaping. It's E-Hooka.

It's completely different. What's the difference? Is it water filtered? What? Is it filtered through water? Why is it? What's the difference? No, it's the, it's the, whatever the different herb is that they hooka.

And I'll tell you this, does not scratch the vape-ish. Tim, who controls the vape banks? Wait, was the pun hookah controls or who control who can, we'll do it on our podcast. We'll do it on our podcast. You know. You're not going to trip me up. Well, this has been a great time. Do you share your vape with other guys?

Only Ari Maddie. That's fair. Yeah, I mean, look, yeah, you're going to have to like start stashing them. Yeah, like the liquor in the attic. So let me get, let me get the counterpoint. What is the, what's the gruff with you vaping? it's a health risk yeah and I'm getting old and it's gay I think it's probably equally weighted between the two

dying and being gay yeah his vapist and I'm fine with both yeah I don't we're all gonna be old I'm gay and I don't want to live a second longer than I absolutely have to okay um I also really like it my penis suck sometimes yeah that's that's the trade off in Do you ever vape while you get it sucked? I haven't, I don't make enough money for that.

Rest assured, when things hit for me, I will be moving different. True, true. Maybe you went to move for a little blue raz. Have you tried to share the vape? You like, just get out on the same. He didn't hit a little bit. Yeah, that's a good move. Would you be in the having vape smoke blood?

She goes, no, I'm not a gay guy. Devastating, bro. That hurts. That hurts. Okay. That hurts. I mean, dude, switch to gooting and say, is this preferable? Now I know women's names online that I send $5 to. Is this better than me hitting the frozen white mango while I play marathon?

Is that, is this different? Brother, I got a queen-sized bed and my wife and I are fighting right now. Come over when we're done. We'll each hold one end of the phone. And I'll show you Shane, say, Sandy Andrew's new video. The question is, what do you want? I don't even fucking know, man. Just want to be left alone.

Come goon, man. True. Come, man, who's my Vietnamese friend in high school. Look, I think we all should just chill out.

Go on menchat.com. Just have it out. Talk to the bros. You would go to menchat first, then gay.com? You think what would happen if, would you get spit out instead of sucked in? Well, I think we're,

I don't know. I think, you know, the crazy thing is, is like, as a guy jerking off online recording yourself, there's a market for you pretty much always. So I was like, are we too old for Menchat? We be the guys asking for the vids or like, what the hell? What do I even do on there?

I don't know. We should all go get some new outfits. You should go on Menchat.com and just videotap yourself vaping. There's probably, I would imagine there's gay guys that want to see you vaping. bro now you're like this is business now you're now you're now you're interfere with business babe I can't let that slide I'm on menjet.com I we could all hit the vape dude we could all

hit the white peach mango called gang vape the white peach mango oh fuck there's gonna be a gang vape oh man oh man oh man oh man oh man oh man that's great I don't know there's no easy answer for this stuff there's no there's not

I think it would go like Russian nesting dolls like you could probably be the be the hunted Matt's like the middle ground then I'm the guy that's asking for the vids

San Francisco nesting dolls true I'm probably like I'm probably sending some vids receiving I'd probably be hitting him yeah rain check that out yeah you're liaison I think if we if I did sit in the middle

this would be sort of a Pokemon evolution of gay pervert. This episode sponsored by gay.com. Apparently, Matt looks like a twink. No, I'm a twunk. I'm a bear nerd. I'm actually get it right.

I'm a twunk. It's a jack twink. Whoa. It's like a honky twink. Whoa. Twonk is when a twink puts on muscle. Who forced you to learn that? Charles Blissnick.

When I did, what did you call it, Gargwells Incorporated, he broke me off a twunk terminology. And I was like, bro, thank you. What's Tim? Uh, seal, I would imagine. I've heard that before. Bear cub, maybe. Yeah. It could be a bear cub.

Yeah. What would you be, me? What do you think I am? Yeah, go crazy in the chat if you can tell me what I am. I think, I would you say you're honest of God, would you say you're a bear or a pig? What? Pig is high. Honestly, bro,

I have nothing but respect for gay pigs. You know what a pig is, right? No, tell me. So there was a guy, my brother drove trash trucks. There was a trash truck driver

who was just an out and out pig. So a pig is like a guy who rolls up. You know, you have twunks, you got the seals, you got the bears. A pig, we'd be partying.

We'd be at the airport, fucking hotel, we all partying. A pig would roll up and a pig is just like, a pig will do anything, dude. Wow, man. clean up duty.

Like pigs are just like the horniest gay guys possible. I hope you guys are ready for some scrapple. So you can be a bear. I don't want to tell you. I'm just putting all the options out there. You know what? Pig to me is like, I'm an effort guy.

So I think I'd be a pig as opposed to a bear. It's like the seeker in Quidditch. They're like, it's the most important thing. Everyone's doing their thing. They're like really winning the game. You decide a pig is nice. I like to think I'm a bit of a pig as well.

Can you be a twunk pig? I mean, bro, I think there would be nothing more in demand than a twunk pig, a hairless twunk pig. Hairless, bro. Completely hairless. You could really get me glistening. You could wax me up.

Fine. I'm good luck. You even get holding me. I'd be a slippery fellow. Yeah, I could picture you want to float. You're the golden snitch. I do have a fat ass. All you guys asses.

Dude, I'm boking up for the summer. I'm caking for the summer. What's your ass looking like right now? I'm caked. I'm historically kicked. That's what's up. Yeah, I've been flipping the tire. That's what's up.

Have you really? A lot of guys have no ass I've been learning. That's the saddest thing of the world. I know. What do you got? Are you your dog ass? Matt's kicked. Yeah.

Are you cakeed your dog ass? I have dog ass. Dog ass. Nate, notorious dog ass. Yeah, I used to have an ass and now it's gone. You lost your ass?

I lost my eyes. I used to be caked up. Lost my ass. How'd you lose your ass? I just, I don't know. I just started sitting on it. I stopped while.

I was sitting on it all. I was squished my ass. Squished my ass. I don't know. I don't know. I don't think you're caked up, Lamarer. I think you're probably got teacher ass.

Just wide and just mushed. You look like the kind of ass looks like you say, come here, baby. Teacher ass is crazy. Lamar, your knees don't bend inward, do they? No, God, just making sure. That kind of dictates the shape. of the big guy butt.

You know, it gets kind of like a bloodhound mouth thing going. Yeah, there's not much variation for guys' asses, honestly. Either have a fat ass or just no ass. Really, there's not. Women, you have like heart-shaped honey. You know, you have a lot.

You have a lot of different butts. Oh, God dang, man. I think we done did it. Where were you at here? Woo! Wow, man. God damn. Twonk talk took his home. We really slid into home.

It's a consistent thread through the entire app. Perfect. Perfect. It's got to be called. The episode is definitely gay.com for sure. Can you get them as a last minute sponsor, you think? I would like to hope you're the dad of the, you guys familiar with you?

Wow, wow, Wes. No, tell me. I shouldn't even talk about the fucking. Hello. There's a place in, I think it's like New England somewhere where it's just an all-male naked retreat. And when I first heard that, I was like, serious?

That's kind of like crazy. But it's obviously just gay guys. And if you're under 33 years old, your first day is free. Larry Bird fans. Under 33. Under 30. It's like 31 or 32. But either way.

I don't want to put the house on blast. You know there's a nasty denotation behind that. Yeah, I think so. We're going to do that meet up at the. Wow, wow, West. Yes. Do a land party at the... Wow, wow, west.

Being outside naked in the woods would rip. Undoubtedly. I would be scared to get an attack by something. A twunk? No, it's just like some weird beast in the woods, like a fucking fox or something. A fox with it. A naked guy?

Fox will steal your penis in the woods. That's what I worry about, man. Yeah. They're so cunning. A little fox bite would get you. We're wearing a little cloak. True. True.

Sneep up and just snatch your little penis off and run away. Would you feel better clothed, or is that not the issue? Yeah, I would like being clothed in the woods. Okay. That way you can just get loose. You don't want to be naked and afraid. Yeah, I think I would, uh, bugs too. Bugs, getting a bug up your butt would be too.

Especially you got a line up your butt. Especially you got like a little slippery centipede going up there. I'd worry about some roly polies having a time with my butt. A couple of those little guys just crowing up with the balls and doing a conga line. Tickling me with their little fucking. little feet. God damn. We've out landed this bird.

Oh, man. It was fun. Thank you guys. Thank you for having us, man. Dude, obviously check out dad meet. Yeah, baby.

Oh, come see me on the road. I'm in, I'm in Ohio this weekend. I'm in Boston next weekend. I'm taping a 30 minute special at the Creek in the Cave with that gas digital in May. Come do that stuff,

please. That'll be awesome. Check out my books at onperks.com. Also, uh, Patreon.com slash getting some head. I'm doing a goals and accountability group. So check that.

out next week. Hell yeah. Also this weekend, guys, this is really big. I'll be in Indianapolis. Sorry, I'm going off the gate.com interview. I mean, St. Louis at the factory on Friday and then 314 I'll be at Memorial Hall in Indianapolis, Indiana. Please come out to that. And that's it. Thank you. Awesome. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's secret podcast on Spotify. Do it. Getting ready for a game means being ready for anything. Like packing a spare stick. I like to be prepared. That's why I remember, 988, Canada's suicide crisis helpline.

It's good to know, just in case. Anyone can call or text for free confidential support from a train responder. Anytime. 988 suicide crisis helpline is funded by the government in Canada.