Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 606 - Leadership

Episode Date: April 3, 2026

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Go See Lemaire Lee Live @ https://lemairelee.fun/ Go See Shawn Gardini Live if you want  @  https://www.shawngardini.com/live Hello. YES. The Big Kahuna is back. Hip hip hooray!!! A Friday treat for us all. Yay! Homecoming cast ... literally lol. Meezy has been cumming in Shang's home. So happy to be reunited :)))))))))) Please enjoy. God Bless everyone. Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/DRENCHED and use code DRENCHED and get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup! This video is sponsored by BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com/MSSP Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Wow, wow, Wes. What happened to the squad, dude? Bro, I've been excited all morning, man. The squad is... Fuck. I leave town. You guys... Deseegregers.

Everyone's at each other's neck. Yeah, man. Man of thieves. I mean, I don't want to point fingers, but... I know. Look, I'm telling you. Better leadership out. Have you been...

Have you taken care of them? I was taking good care. Have you seen them? You know what happened? I see them. I see them every week. They go to them. They go to them.

Pub every week. I've been working them. I haven't working in the pub and they get, they get nasty. And this is my leadership. I apologize. I knew your leadership had failed us a little because when I got home and LaMere let me in. He was like,

uh, dude, this is an internal deal. What the fuck? This is an internal deal. There was no. Hey, thanks for letting me live here.

I walk in. I was like, have you been smoking in my house? And he was like, no. Yeah, you have. Lamar King set up a high profile show.

It's falling apart right now. LaMere set up a big show. And then the rest of optimum of. has stabbed him in the back. Yeah. Yeah, it's optimum traitorous. You would never do that. So now you're turning on Nate.

Who did do that. That's crazy. I mean, you guys... You're considering bailing on Lemaire. Lemaire. What the fuck, man? Lemaire, do all three spots and just beast up. This is generally...

Dude... Get a cool $48. The vibe plummet. Damn, Lamer, you got to fuck them up. Hold on. Time out. Time out. Let's not pin this on me. The leadership was good. The leadership was good. What have you let the deal? They set up an auxiliary deal and they just had some crackhead deal going on. It all fell apart. Now everyone's bad. What are you guys doing? You guys are sweating fucking pennies, man. We're trying to fucking. I just, I felt a bad deal happening. So I chose to this morning to like decide I'm back. This morning, you woke up and said, I'm not doing it.

Well, I asked. Oh, get the mic. Get the mic. Get a mic. Come on. So just to provide context, there was a, there's a comedy festival. LaMere got reached out. Lamarer signed these two up.

These guys, these two fucking spoiled brats didn't like the bag. They said that's not enough of a bag. And now they're fucking up your reputation, Lamar. I'm on your side, bro. Yeah, that is a little fucked up. Why'd you agree to say to do it when he told you? It's not. It's not.

It's not. It wasn't enough of a money. Has Lemaire misread the email. Dude, Lemaire. Lamar runs like Ponzi schemes for stage time. It's fucking wild. So, Lamar, bring us through. Bring us through the initial thing.

We got to solve this, bro. We can't. I can't potter under these conditions. I was trying to get our show at the riot. I was trying to get Optum Noctus at Riot in Houston. So we can do it there. And then the guy was like, you guys can headline our festival.

We can do a show at the festival. I was like, that's cool. Sean said it wanted to $10,000. Yeah. And then I sent them to email and they're like, all right. And then I told them, I'm like, they're in. And then, yeah. And then the day before the big show,

one of your closest friends fails on it. I will not the day before. And it sounds worse when you were. It was tomorrow. It is tomorrow. But I started talking to them about it. It's today right. It's today right now.

Yeah, you're right. And they're so small. Fair enough. Fair enough. I just wasn't sure if I was saying something. But I started trying to, like, just figure out more. Because they haven't talked to me once and I'm supposed to headline the show. I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't

to like shit on the thing, but they're just running. Oh, now you are. But I asked them, but just not for you. If they were, they just responded when I asked. Lamar did tell me you were the king. My walkout potential was. And my guarantee was, if they would have just said 50 bucks, if they had a rope back, it would have been different.

They didn't even respond. That's, I don't know. Yeah. So you're saying it's like leaving a comedy festival, just no, no show. Just not telling anyone leaving a comedy festival, something like that. What did you say? You're throwing back to this game. No, that was the etiquette around here.

I just wanted to have a nice homecoming episode and you guys are squabbling. Yeah. You would think three of you were standing outside of 7-Eleven right now, scratchy. You're squabbling, dude. I was just so happy to have us all under one roof together. I'm happy too. I was just so happy to see you guys.

And then to have you guys come in here just like women. Yeah. Bickering at each other. And I get fucking blamed. God, dang. You know what, though? That felt a lot faster than last year. Last year, it felt like that your absence went on forever.

This year, it kind of did zip by. Yeah. So that was nice. Yeah. I did feel, I felt like I was, I was definitely gone for a while. But, you know, nothing changed. No, it was like a time vortex around here. It just, like, fucking flew by.

I think it's supposed to, I don't sleep ever. So kind of just bumble through my days in a haze all the time. But I am really sad to see Lamar said. I know. It hurts me to see him sad. We have a war to attend to. I got stung by a wasp last night. Where's the nest?

It's in an outlet out there. Why? I opened to the outlet last night and stuck my hand into unplug. I'm gonna fucking scared the fuck out of me. A little risky too, spraying the aerosol too. I know. Yeah. I don't know what to do now.

We have a battle. It's a very small nest. I think I can squash it with my hand. If I have a nice glove. Squash the nest? I'm just fucking. That's not a bad idea. Get a Falconer's glove, hyper punch.

Yes. And my bedroom's on the other side of it. I went to bed last night, hand elevated because it was swollen. Just looking at the wall. I'm going to kill the whole mess. It's wasps one. You haven't even struck back yet.

I haven't struck back yet. Dang. But they're going to pay. Sacrifice the outlet. Get that, get like that construction foam. You spray and it gets like real big real quick. You can just suffocate those guys of death.

And then just have an electrician come out and swap the outlet. Sacrifice the outlet. They set up shop in that outlet being like he's not going to enter the electrical. They don't know that that outlet was promised to me. That's an outdoor. You know, those things, you only get so many outdoor outlets too.

That case of beer's been out there so long. There's a bird's nest inside of it. Nature's pretty excited about it. Nature's conspired against you having your beers and tunes. Yeah, he must have done nothing. What the hell, what have you done in this house?

I can't have. There's Christmas decorations still up. That's unforgivable. The only thing he did was set back. He just took over his Guna cave again. One of these got multiple monitors and then it stinks like somebody's been smoking inside of it.

You got dual screen? And he goes, no, I haven't jacked all. He lied again about jacking off. I would not lying about jack off. You can't jack off in that, man. I know, yeah. No, that's the only place of jack off. Wait, the Guna cave.

Yeah, I'll never jack off in this. That's what the pool's for, dude. Like a fount in the backyard. It's a chair of this. The Guna cave is just disintegrated. I walked into his room and it is Lemaire. Isn't that that bad? Sigs?

Has that been Sigs in the pool cave? or poolhouse? No, no, no, no, no, no, no six is good. No six in the house. Yeah. Six is an outdoor activity. Not even after a couple drinks? Yeah, not even after any drinks.

Nice. That's respectable. I appreciate that. No, Six is, inside Sigs is the ultimate disrespect. Yeah. It's diabolical. It smells like indoor blunts, though. But that could have just been.

There might have been like two. There might have been a couple. Two. Two. Two. Two. Two. Two.

Two is crazy. It's an indoor blondes. And you're lying to me about jacking off. The ultimate setup. I'm not lying to you about jacket on. And you're using my fucking chair that I like. I'm not jacking off in my chair. Wait, you claim.

Time out. Time out. You claim zero jacks in the pool shack? No, pull shacks filled to the brim. Here. He's talking about it. He's got a big screen jack.

You don't think there's been a big screen jack. Come on, man. Big screen jack. Come on, bro. Soundbar? The Grand Slam. You never. Just be honest, dude.

No jacks. me inside. I've had like five big screen jacks here since he's been gone. I got over. I've been renting that couch out for the hour. Oh, this was the craziest thing. I come home. My door, my bedroom door is locked from the inside.

And I go, what? I was like, you didn't have any parties? Why is this door locked? And he's like, no, I never had anyone here. I locked that so that I wouldn't go in there. He locked the door to keep himself out of my room. How strong was the desire to get in there and just? stare at my bed.

What the fuck are you doing it? I just didn't want, like, I just thought that would be the best way to, like, seal it and never, like, think about it again. What do you think about it? What are you thinking about it? I don't know. You jacking off in my room?

No. What are you up to? Hold on. I do want to, I mean, very thoughtful, but, like, what was the, uh...

And he, like, nerd rushed to unlock it. When I came up, nerd rushed to, like, a device he has over there to pop the lock. It was a chaps. You knew exactly the chopstick to find. Just get what was, you didn't, you didn't think you got like, you thought maybe you get drunk and like, no, I thought. Boss up in the bed.

Yeah, look at me. I'm doing all. No. I don't know what it was. I got to fly out of me out there. No, Netflix. No. What would you love you?

Let me talk to my people. I was just. office. Hold on Ryan Fest. We're talking about you. I got two good up-and-combers. Yeah, you've got some up-and-combers. I'll send my open-ers. Oh, man.

I mean, that is thoughtful not to... No, to seal the door off from yourself. I don't know. And then he knows how to unlock it. I learned the unlock trick from another door. Did you give the key to the police? the key to the police. No matter what I say.

No matter what I say later, don't let me in that room. You got to explain to me your thought process, dude. I don't know. You actually don't know your thought. No, I just did that as soon as a guy here. I was like, nobody needs to go in here, and I locked the door.

But that's when I start saying nobody, as far as you told me you didn't have people here. Yeah, I didn't really. I had Nate and Sean here a couple times. Now, look at these two looking away. They can't even look at them in the eyes. He's got friends coming over, Hit me up saying, can I?

Lamar said it was cool if I stayed for a week. That's not off. Fuck. You got fucking Dorian coming for a week. Said the Deeds, man. The Deeds, the Deeds Meister. It'll be me Deeds Le Maire, the fucking weirdest crew. These two watching anime every night.

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after you play your first $5 lineup. Price picks. That's great stuff. Bro, that is so fucking funny. Yeah, the squad is. What happened to you guys? It was all the right. Everything was chilling and, you know.

Yeah, I think we were doing great. It was just one riff just happened to be today. Have I missed any riffs? Because they're... This is the biggest riff. This moment is the biggest words. I think we, I was saying to Sean actually the night we saw you, it was like the last time you came back, we were going through hell.

And you coming back was like nice. Yeah. And then this time it was like, it's still nice. But it was like, oh shit. We don't even need him anymore. Huh? What did you say? Now you're like, we don't even fucking need him anymore.

No, no. That's not what I'm saying. It just, it was just a different. It was just, I don't know. I just remembered the hell. Lamarre told me you were the king of Austin. I don't know why he would say that, though. He told it.

He told me in complete sincerity because we were driving together and I asked him. I was like, what's going on in Austin now? And he was like, Nate's the fucking king. I would be a little bit. We pulled up to a light yesterday and there was a sticker of a guy's face and he was like, is that Nate? He thought people were putting up murals of you. And I was like, no, you fuck. Why the fuck would somebody draw Nate?

You can't be. I swear. I'm making that up. I promise. You're still doing that bit from the other day. I'm not doing a bit. Let me ask, please. No, that's true.

He said I was the king of all. There's a zero percent chance that anyone said that. He said you were the king now and that you're running it here. But that's just, it's trying to make bad news for me. You don't mean that. I think he was being totally serious.

Unless he's as devious as. Yeah, well, LeMere, what was, can you back the, what's, well, what basis? Oh, dude, he's just moving right. He's king's moving. He's got motion. He's moving, he's got some motion. Yes, dude, the bird's back.

The bird's back in the bud light? Yes. What? Well, I'm glad they're back because Tommy reached his hand in there last night. It flew out and scared the fuck out of him. He reads and he's like, he's a fucking bat in there. It's right there. Yeah, he's a good bird.

That's awesome. Dude, I got locked out of the two days ago. I was running the bathtub. It was me and Chloe. And I'm like, all right, bathtub's running. I'm like going and get other shit. And all of a sudden, it had been running for a minute. And, like, Chloe comes up to me.

She's like, um, the door's locked. And I was like, what door? She's like to the bathroom and I was like, but the bathtub running? She was like, yeah. I was like, how'd you lock the door? She's like, no. I'm like, you lied? She goes, yes, I'm very sorry.

Are you mad at me? That's how I live with them there. Dude, do you smoke a bun here? No. Are you lying? Yes, I'm lying. I might have had two buns. I'm really sorry.

Are you mad at me? I was, I got there. What did you do? I was going to knock the door like through. I called Brittany. I'm like, well, where's the keys for this? She's like, remember it's this little screwdriver. You're the one to figure it out.

And I was like, oh, where is that? And I like ran downstairs, got the little, it's like a little eyeglass screwdriver and it popped it open. And I got in. It was like, dude, literally that far from overflow and just ruining the floor. Yeah, I was scared. I was, I was like shitting myself. Yeah.

I would have been done. I would have started slamming my body against the door. I was this close. If I didn't call for the key, because I was like pushing down as hard as I could. And it was starting to like spin. Yeah. And the thing. I was like, I'm not the shoulder the door down.

She was like, what the fuck? No. Could have been sick. That would have been tight. I could have. easily kick that thing in so yeah it would have been cool but yeah that was i was shitting myself but yeah that's what happens man doors get locked there's no explanation i asked her i'm like why did you do that she was just like he's just like a new like barbie tool set she was like i

used my tools to lock you i'm like no you just did your finger from the inside you yeah yeah so maybe he uses tools maybe lemurs is his tools locked to do it ah the dude the squad's already back i can feel the rift the rift has been mended i can feel it nate's going to the festival Come on, man. You gotta hit the fest. Nate, come on, man. No. That's great.

Sean's going to go. I think Sean's going to back out. Sean cares about his craft. Yeah. I'm sorry? No, I would never do that to Lamar. LaMere, who's your better friend out of Sean and Nate now? I don't know.

Sam Tallinn's going to do the podcast on Saturday, so that would be pretty cool. That's a good answer. Yeah. Incredible answer. He's become a politician since you've been gone. Yeah. It's interesting. You asked that.

I'm just saying it's interesting. I haven't heard anyone talk about APEC. That's interesting. I don't even think about APEC. Well, gosh darn it, man. Yeah. I'll tell you what. I don't know.

Dude, I have a... I've been getting a lot of pressure to get a different car. People get up my asses. I have a CRV. CRVs are sick. That's what I said. I'm like, this is a nice car. And they're like, dude, that's ridiculous.

Like, what are you going to get next? I don't know. CRV. I have a 50,000 miles. I'm gonna rock the thing for a while. The only thing now I'm thinking is I'm getting pure pressure to get something I might trick it out completely. That'd be awesome. Like kind of low key, but just like a matte black paint job or a rap. I think a rap's

cheaper. Dude, Matt Black on a CRV would be fucking awesome. And nobody's done that. I don't think anyone has. Matt Black, like almost military vehicle. I would get Matt Black. Inside's completely torn out and everything's sprayed with like an epoxy basically. I want a car that's a completely

waterproof surfaces that I can just take a leaf blow or two. and just blow everything out and just pick it up. So that might be, that might be the new whip. I would support that. Thank you. Tended windows. For sure. I want it to look like literally a mirror.

I'm going to try to make it look like a very shitty cyber truck. Slam it down a little bit. Let's have, have them do whatever they can do to the engine to like speed it up. Yeah, you know those bumper stickers. It's like, I bought this before Elon Musk. This is a CRV. What the fuck's this guy talking about?

That's actually a really good idea. Throw that all the way I bought this before. Before Elon Musk was up. Just filling it up at a gas station. Dude, those, those I bought this before Elon bumper stickers are I think the pinnacle of like Facebook or whatever, like Instagram politics

where just completely meaningless where you're like, why, why are you doing this? Just get it. If you really hate the guy that much, sell the car. Put your fucking money where your mouth is. If you think he's truly like a despot ruining the country evil billionaire, it's like trade in the motherfucking, get something else.

Yeah. Get a Rivian, bro. CRV, dude. It's time. fucking CRV. Support Japan. It is time to support Japan. Japan's huge right now. We're going to need them.

Uh-huh. Has anyone even helped us? No. Nobody's helped us. Actually, our closest allies helping the hell out of us. Obviously. Obviously, our closest ally.

Our only friend. America's only friend. Nobody else likes us, dude. Lemaire's politics right now. You must be feeling good, dude. The view is confident right now. The view is gone, we told you. Yeah.

You should have listened to us. How do you feel right now? I just feel bad. He didn't do anything he was going to say. Yeah. That's what I feel bad about. There's so many upset people. Yeah, people are mad.

I want to hurt people. People are mad. I want him to take that straight of Hermuz. Yeah, I need that. Yeah, what the hell, man? I said I was going to open it on Monday. You said you're going to open it? Yeah, I called it.

I said, don't worry, guys. I'm going to open it. You should open it. I can't. They're too bad. Iran's too powerful. It turns out Iran's nasty. I thought it was going to be like Venezuela part too.

It's like, bro, I thought we're big and bad, dude. Get the head straight. Open it up. Open the straight. You'd think they would have responded nicely after we blew up their leader with a missile. You'd think they would be like, all right, never mind. We don't want to fuck with you guys. You blew up an 86-year-old with a Tomahawk missile.

It's so funny. We killed a fucking 90-year-old man with a missile, dude. I've been laughing how their leaders all look like evil wizards. They are all evil. There's also like giant long beards, like a black hat. Just got, it just got exploded in his fucking house. I was reading about their,

like, enriched uranium or whatever. You know, it's buried under like a deep mountain. It's like a evil, like Dr. Evil layer. Yeah. And apparently they can,

I guess from like the radioactive signature or whatever, they can like monitor it, like almost like a thermal image where they're like, there it is. I don't know how true that is. I don't believe anything. That's what I'm saying. It's like underneath a mountain.

I think the people telling us that are the ones. one's going, no, they're really enriching that uranium. That's why we can see it. Well, that's the thing, too. You guys are just trying to fucking blow them up. Well, they also, we did this. We did the WMDs. We're like, dude, trust us guys.

But this time we're like, we got sensors that are actually picking up the WM. They've been telling us they're going to do this. Well, and apparently, so if they don't, if Iran doesn't just completely capitulate and be like, all right, here's all of our, like, nukes we've been building forever. We'd have to go to, like, a subterranean layer. Well, you'd have to go to extract their stuff. Yeah. You'd have to go to a subterranean.

layer under in an active war zone and just somehow transport giant radioactive barrels be sick it's it's going to be the ultimate it's like the last level of a video game it's it's like a really hard level they're going to need the ab ab ab select start up down left right for that that's going to be a tough we need that it's going to be tough but i want straight or moose open now it needs to be open i'm sick of it or muse listen up urmews yeah open up dude you got open up my god damn fucking drones at us yeah that's fucking annoying we'll see shit dude i know just do what we do drones more expensive

cooler drones yeah I just wish they listened to us let us be the boss they should listen to us I know what the fuck's the problem don't they fucking know apparently not so I should have told them

apparently not and then I've been watching the beef on Cuba I always forget we're still fucking blockading them as well yeah they shouldn't have done whatever they fucking did

you know I'm sick of them Hey, man. Cuba had better stop doing whatever they did to make us mad. Yeah. We'll save them for them from fucking communism. We'll come back to them. Starve him out. Do you hear your boy Trump on Cuba?

No, what do he say? He was like, I could take Cuba. I could do whatever I want to Cuba. And the reporter was like, what do you mean? He's like, I mean, I'll fucking take it if I want. Or maybe I'll turn it into a nice little vacation spot. Anyway. God damn, brother.

Yeah, dude. He's whaling out. I'm telling you, he's got it. We got to learn, dude, and just get like a 50-year-old. We need a 50-year-old bro as president. That's prime president age. White walls, just new, fucking fresh, gray sides.

Tommy Pope. Yeah, we need Tommy Pope to be president. What? His press conference would be so nice. What? Guys got fucking hot dog water in his brains. We're going to blow him up. Yeah, Cuba.

I'm sick. Cuba, dude. Yeah, man, I better fucking get with the program. I'm tired of Cuba. I need Greenland still. Don't we have Greenland? It's time for Denmark to give us Greenland. Yeah. Didn't know Denmark had Greenland. That's a piece of news. I didn't know. Yeah, I don't think most people know that.

Greenland acts like it's independent. Well, they ain't. Yeah, what the hell is that all about? They better fucking shape up. Dude, it better. Always people better take up before we turn. We better turn the world into our vacation spots, which pretty much... Kind of already is the case.

Yeah, of course. Now we just can't even go to them because we'll get beheaded. I know. I know. She can't go to any of the vacation spots. I'll tell you what, though. The ride a Comedy Fest bag next year is going to be fat. Now it's war zone plus negative comments. They're going to get me next week.

And I'm getting my head cut off right away. The bag for that's going to be so nice. I'm getting punched right when I get there. We heard what you said about me. their next flyer is going to be your head in like a wooden box yeah featuring the evil traitor Shane Gillis the very sorry trader Shane Gillis

the coward yeah no that's uh I'm excited to see that'll be cool the bag yeah the bag on that's going to be Saudi bag will be nutty dude for next year in the war zone unless Iran keeps winning the fuck dude that might

be iran by next year. Did I rank? Iran might expand at this right. They are fucking shit up. I think they killed like six guys. Did they? Yeah. Oh, no.

They're going nuts. Well, I've been trying to figure out because I've been trying to like, who's fired 20,000 drones and hit like four guys. And we're like, we can't fuck with these guys. They're too strong. That's what I've been trying to figure out is all the news is like disaster, disaster, disaster. Trump's spinning out.

It's over. And, you know, I'm trying to keep like a 360 view of like, I don't want to get caught up on either side of the propagon. But it's like, bro, like, give me something. Like, is it? I don't know anything that's happening. No, I can't. I literally can't get a read on it. I just know I need Cuba soon.

I just talk to Grock all day. I just. What's Grock saying about it? He's wrong about everything. Yeah, Grocks. Grocks would help me with my garden. Grock never even puts girls in bikinis when people ask them to. What is it?

What's Grock do? What's Grock do? I'm always checking. I go, did Grog do it? No. Someone always takes a hot picture. someone goes, Grock, put her in this outfit. It's like a thong.

Grock never does it. It's a bitch. It's like, no thank you? Yeah, it just doesn't do anything. Yeah. Grock, I hope Grock gets fucking hit with a bazooka. I hope I ran gets Glock with a bazooka. Yeah, that'd be terrible. Well, Musk is going to pay for the TSA guys. That'd be sick.

Yeah, that'd be nice. Also, I flew this weekend. TSA, not one person was in the last. line. It was great. Yeah. Well, what they do is they take the, all the videos are at like 7 a.m. 6. 6.30 when it's like prime time flying. So I went to Austin, the one, when they had like the news cameras there because it was like a line all the way outside. Dude, it took me. First of all, they're like TSA pre-check's not open. It's been open everywhere everywhere. And I was outside. It took like 30 minutes. I got right through. But yeah, it was funny.

There was a guy behind me. We were like outside. It's early in the morning. And like, you know, there's like, when it's real crowded, they hold it. There's like a lady with an orange flag and You got to like find that person and stand. That's like the line. This is on you for taking these early ass fucking flights. I like to get my nap. I like to get there. I fly day of and it's like I'm going to get there.

Yeah. When they say you got to get here the day before, I'm like, man, get the fuck out of here. That's ridiculous. It's crazy. But I fly early and it's not even bad. I get there an hour, hour and a half early. Like I'm chilling.

But there's the ladies holding the flag. I find the flag lady. And I'm like, all right, lines here. And I saw this guy. I think it was a Disney adult. He had the Disney backpack. He just stands. He goes in line and then he just stands like,

shoulder to shoulder with me and then inches forward. And dude, we're outside of the airport waiting to get in. I'm looking at it. I'm like, bro, what do you get there before the airport's open? No, I'm saying like you're not, the lines out. The line went outside. Jesus, but it looks bad on the news. I'd be going home.

It's not that, dude, it was 30 minutes all said and done. And the guy's like shoulder to shoulder creeps in front of me. And I'm like, yo, bro, where are you going, man? He was like, oh, I'm just getting in line. I'm like, bro. I'm the back of the line. He was like, my flight's at 7 o'clock. It's boarding now.

trying to butt in front of one person. You got a butt in front of one person. And I was like, dude, like, I was like, and it makes you feel better since you're late. You can get in front of me. But you got to go beg for mercy at the very front. Just go cry to them and tell them your flight's boarding. That's your only hope.

Because he was like, you think I'll make it? I was like, no, you're not going to make your flight. You're not going to make it. He was just sitting there whole time, like tapping and tap and finally. Finally, he took my advice and went to the TSA like, whatever faceless ID. And they were like, go ahead, man, flown through. He was just like stimming out. I was, where the fuck do you think that guy had to go?

You have a Disney book bag on? You have nowhere to go. Yeah, dude. Now, you have an important business meeting. Dude, he was just, my flight's boarding. Yeah. It's my flight's boarding right now. I was like, yeah, dickhead, you can't show up when your flight's boarding on a fucking Friday at 6.30 a.m.

Move it. Yeah, I got in. A couple of the ice agents said what up. You saw the ice agents? No pictures, fellas. Please, no pictures, fellas. Crop, give me a picture. Yeah.

of letting chain hold the gun at the airport. They would. The guy was like, yeah, I went to your high school. I was like, sick, what up?

Please no picture. Please don't ask. Please don't ask. I'm kind of excited. Ice agent pictures. I know. I want to see them. I got to fly next week.

I want to, uh, I want to see. Like, I took two weeks off and I'm like, damn, I wanted to see those guys in the airport. Should have hassled them like the people on the internet are doing.

True. Just walk up and go. Yeah, you fucking race trader, bitch. Fucking kill me. So fucking. crazy. I know. I know.

There's a funny guy who's going to Mexico on vacation and he goes up to the ice agents. He's like, do you guys think you could get me there quicker and the ice agents crack up at his joke? That's awesome. That is awesome. I said it before, man. My personal politics is whatever it takes to move the lines at the airport, I don't care. Yeah. You can put anybody there. I'd be like,

yo, go for us. You put Iran. Got in the airport. I'd be like, let's go, boys. You know what? You guys should have enriched uranium. I don't give a fuck. Let me through this fucking scanner right now. I'm a one-issue voter.

I'm airport lines. That's it. It's all I care about. Speed it up by five minutes. You got my vote. I swear to God I am. That's like true. I know.

It's all I care about. That's the one thing. I'm like, no, for real, guys. We got to figure this out. It is bullshit. They don't stop arguing and just both parties should go, all right, let's like take TSA out of our big, giant packages of deals.

just both say yes to fawning TSA. How have you let nature just destroy our backyard? A squirrel was yon at us when we walked in. Nature's on our house, dude. What the fuck? He was in a tree, and he wouldn't budge. He was just gone. He's barking at Le Mare.

What the hell? It was a very adorable squirrel. I was scared of him. I thought he was going to jump down on us because I've never seen a squirrel do that. He stood his ground on us. What noise was he making? He like barked. Yeah, it was like a squirrel bark.

What? Well, it's funny because they rarely are rabbit, I think. I don't think, I don't think rodents get rabies like that. I think he was just defending his. Might have been true. That's crazy. Might have been babies up there. Might have been a squirrel ball.

He saw you. He knew he's like, this fucking, this bear is going to try to get my fucking fuckers can climb too. He's going to climb up here. I just, I just, I just made sure nothing was like touched. I tried to at least you did a great job he was guard he was guarding the portal dude

he did and I saw him guard it I have the ring came I got to see that's the only time I talked to him go what are you doing where are you going you go uh

in the creek playing playing board games at the creek yeah all right dude they got Lamar hooping they got Lamar hooping I saw that I did see Lamar hooping on there and I said all right

maybe he would score a bucket yeah he had a nice lap I was like oh shit yeah man deceptive I did I played pick up basketball two days ago, I still have a headache.

But then I did go to the gym with Lameria yesterday and you're not getting more than two points. You're going to be so gassed. I'll hustle. Lemaire said he could beat me in a race. While you were going, Lamerer, for real, I was like, no, seriously, I could beat you. I was like, Lamar, that's not even, that's, you're just lying. That's crazy. Why did you say that?

I don't know, I was having fun. All right. That's fair. That's fair. You believed it. How drunk were you when you made the claim? I was just going to do. It was like 10.30 a.m.

There's no chance. It was 10.30. Huh? What the fuck was he doing at 1030? I might have been doing an early cast. Might have been noon, though, actually. At noon, I think high noon. He looked me in the eyes.

Like, I could beat you in a race. Why are you doing that? Do you think you could beat Nate in a race? That's a good question. I think it could be made in the race. How about you guys race to Houston and do some stand? The winner gets $48. and gets to bomb for an hour in front of 12 guys.

Yeah. Then they're just going to go, Meesee, Lees, the mayor. They go on Redding. I saw him. He fucking sucked. Fuck him. I saw him.

Fucking sucks. Piece of shit. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. I'll tell you what, man. Yeah, it's good to be back. Yeah. It's good at times.

It's right in time for summer, too. It's good to be back. Although I don't have a vehicle right now. So I'm at the mercy of the me's. mees please me a ride bro please you're in the mees sadies I am in the mees

sages dang where's your vehicle getting transported down yeah that's what's up fucking nice until then I'm at the mercy of the go horse

go horseback mercy maze what do you what time do you leave for Houston tomorrow to yeah okay I think my vehicle is coming tomorrow

I need someone here Nate, you're not doing anything. You want to chill? Yeah, I can be here. Nice. Hell yeah. Yeah, I'm trying to think. They didn't really do anything.

Yeah, stung by the wasp was big. Stung by the was. That hasn't happened to me in years. Dude, I forgot how bad that fucking hurts, dude. You want to cry. And I was mad at the waw. I was like, what the fuck? What's the point of it still hurting?

Yeah. You know? And was a defense mechanism, like it's to get you away. Yeah. But then I thought about it. more and it does work i was scared to walk over there oh for sure i don't want to go back over to that side of my house we got it after this pain let's go take care of that when we're done i'd like that but yeah it's you'll see the nest is that big it's literally it's all it's one fucking one cell yeah is there is it

inside the outlet or in the cover it's inside the cover oh we got that oh we got to lift it yeah so we need one person with a broomstick to lift it up the fucking thing was yeah he i woke him up last night. I opened it and stuck my hand. I could hear it. I heard a noise. And I don't think they... I hope it was a wasp, I would imagine. Probably. They don't lose their stinger either.

So that guy's still alive. Yeah. They don't like sting you and die. I got hit with Al-Bazooka. That fucking dickhead. I had an... I had a B land on my ankle. I was outside working out and it landed on my ankle. I thought it was like a big fly and I was like, fuck off me. I got it off. It was on there for like five seconds.

Yeah. Came and landed on my other ankle. for five more seconds. And I was like, and I saw it was a bee. I was like, what the fuck? Just a bee. Did it kill?

No, didn't even sting me. All right. It was crazy. Yeah, I was like, I was kind of scared though. I was kind of like,

damn, do you think could have got me. I was already afraid of these wasps. Yeah, they dominate my pool. Yeah. Drink out of it. They fucking,

they're always there. Now I'm really scared of them. And then I felt their fucking rat. It's not the tip of my pinky. That thing would have killed anywhere else. You get that on like a fucking shoulder or your belly or something. That would fucking kill. It's like tattoo launching

Whatever a tattoo would hurt Absolutely A belly sting You think a belly sting would be better though I don't know I feel like like the bone elbow would hurt I did the fit I got stung in literally same spot Right in the finger it hurts so fucking bad

I was trying to sleep and it kept hurting Randomly it would just feel like I got stung again I'm gonna kill it was motherfuckers I told you but last summer when I got stung It was late summer when they get all like weird and like old it just came down from a tree landing on my finger stung and flew away and I was like what the fuck I wasn't even near the nest

just stung me and I literally was like I was like this walking holding my finger like oh wow that's when I there was the Mexican sweet boy at the restaurant I was at I had ordered stuff to go and I like it was like dude just be cool and as soon as he looked at me I was like it's got stung by a wasp

of course I had to tell somebody I didn't tell a trusted adult I was like I got hurt I got hurt you're never going to believe what just happened You know the scariest fucking bugs? It attacked me. Yeah, man. He had very kind eyes. And I was just kind of like,

I got to tell you that I guess we put it. Yeah, very kind eyes. So you're going to tell you something. You got to tell you something, brother. Yeah. I want to say, he put it, she would look like a cold horchata on me.

Cold horchata on my finger. It'd have been nice. He did his milk on me. This episode is sponsored by better help growing up the help with the better would you have to learn about money growing up any financial stress you experienced uh personally i yeah i just never had it yeah i didn't really i wasn't stressed about it true you ain't worried about it i ain't worried about it yeah i had my problem growing up was no money more problems be brought yeah had too many damn problems no i was pretty

stressed about it when i went once you get a little older yeah i was grown up when i started getting stressed about money when you had money yeah when i was a young man i the only thing i was I was stressed. I would steal quarters from my parents to get chaco tacos when the ice cream truck came by. That's stress. And that was stressful because you go,

I'm not, I'm not gonna fuck these guys over and give them nickels. Yeah, I remember, I remember, just having a bunch of like tens and fives that smelled like weed

and I'd have to take them to the bank. That's stressed. That is stressful. Being like, please don't fucking smell these bills. Is better help talking about money now? Yeah, dude.

When we talk money, I'm always reminded of a moment when I felt stress and overwhelmed. time I was struggling to pay the rent when tax season rolls around. Yeah, I mean, money's stressful. Hey guys, our relationship with money

can be, dot, dot, dot, weird, and not always good. You're feeling the stress, you're not alone. And guess what? There's something you can do. Try therapy with BetterHelp. Yeah. They can't solve your financial woes,

but they can help you better manage the anxiety that comes with it. Better Helps fully licensed therapists have served millions of people around the world changing their relationship with money, other people, even themselves. because everything is entirely online. It's easier to get the support you need when you need it.

That's not good. That's not a good sign. It's a weird angle. For the economy? Yeah. It's not a good sign. Yeah. Are you sad and having money problems?

Hey, are you fucked right now? Strange. Financially. Yeah, there's a bad. Guys, when life feels overwhelming, therapy can help. Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com. That's betterhelp.com slash MSSP.

Okay. April 17th, I'll be in Nashville, the 18th, I'll be in Charlotte. Monday, May 4th, I'll be at the Hollywood Bowl in L.A. So fucking Monday? Yikes crazy. Thursday, I'll be Thursday, Friday, Saturday, May, 7th, 8, and 9th, I'll be in Boston, and July 17th at the link. And there's a few shows.

There's a couple of tickets left for that. Get on, Matt. Hell, yeah. Guys, 410, April 10th, I'll be at the Fitzgerald Theater. in St. Paul, Minnesota. The day after that, I'll be in Des Moines, Iowa, and then, like I was talking about, Celebrity Theater, Phoenix, Arizona,

then Tucson, and I'll be in Toronto, 515. I think, I have two shows. I think they're both sold out. Might have a third. Okay, Toronto rules. Toronto does seem sick. I might add a third, but I don't know. Hopefully I just want to do, too.

Toronto doesn't have bums. It doesn't? No, they're in Waterloo. And then Chicago, 516, Rivier Theater. and also I'll be at the mothership all of this weekend, Friday, Saturday. And I think only Sunday and late Saturdays left. So please come.

Thank you. Oh, and you can catch Nate at the Comedy Festival tomorrow. Goodbye. Yeah. Damn, other than that, dude, I've been all business, man. I've been down here. You've been strictly biz.

Strictly bit. Strictly biz. Strictly biz. Strictly business. You have been strictly biz. Strictly biz, man. I just been fucking like working out and doing stuff. Not sleeping. It's been tight.

Yeah. I was just doing tires. Yeah. That was it. I heard that. That was it. It was just global, global conflict. Global conflict that I know nothing about.

And then doing tires. Dude, I'm telling you, though, B-ball. I think my toenail is going to fall off. You would stop real hard your shoes. I think I'm going to lose my left toenail. Dude, I played five games. And I, for real, I felt like I've had a fever for two days. I felt the next morning I woke up and I was telling Brittany,

I was like, not even sore, man. I must be in shape. I'm working out. And by noon, I was like, why's my fucking head hurt so bad? I laid down for like three hours. I went to bed. I still feel fucked up today. Yeah, it was nice.

I was going to bed last night. I was like, why the fuck am I so tired? I was like, oh, yeah, I worked out the first time in forever. What's the protocol? What do you mean? What was the workout protocol? It was nothing. I literally went there to sauna and cold plunge.

That's nice. But then I lifted a little. Nice. It was nice. What? You smiled at it. And then got it in and go, I'm not doing a fucking cold plunge.

Did the sanna and left. Really? Yeah. I stared at the cold plunge, put my hand in it. I was like, I just don't have it. I don't have it today, boys. That's true. That's true.

I've acclimated to it now where I can pop in. I used to be able to do that. You were a cold plunge king. I was cold plunge baby. I couldn't do it. Now I can sit in there for three minutes and just kind of like, I got in a Barton Springs recently. It felt like nothing.

That's nice. I was like, dude, I don't know what's up with the diving board there. I try to do a back flip. Dude, the diving board's fucked up. It just, you know when you're on a trampoline with someone and they steal your bounce and you don't go up at all? I try to do a backflip off it. I don't know what happened.

The board stole my bounce. So I just like didn't get any air and just went, my legs. A bunch of people there? Yeah, dude. My legs whipped as hard as they could go and his water shot up my nose. I landed on my face and water shot up my nose. Oh, that's not good. Dude, you know when you like, you get in like almost like an accident and it takes a second and like, what the fuck happened?

I got out of the water like, And you were trying to show out for all the people. Trying to show out. Try to show out. Have you ever seen tities there? No. Well, well, I did see Asterick. I saw tithies that got the nipples removed when I was there.

And actually there wasn't a ton of people there. I went early. So I had when you were like two days ago, I had Corey Hider on. The guy from Instagram goes through all the houses or whatever. And so I took him down there. And so we saw that first of all. He saw my backflip. It was fucking trash.

And then I go down and we see the, like, I was telling him, I'm like, yo, sometimes there's like titties here. Walk, there are titties, but there's no nipple. I don't know what was going on with them. I was just like, oh, fuck. You know. So then, you know, we're getting out. And, uh, go to the locker room.

And I was like, before we walk in, I'm like, oh, the locker room. Well, I had to get, I had warm clothes. I had to get changed out. But dude, so, and I thought there'd be like dressing stalls in there. So, like, we're walking in. I'm like, bro. James? No, no, no.

He got naked. have a podcast guest? I didn't get naked. I didn't get naked. But when I brought him in, I was like, dude, this is another thing I love down here. When you go into these bathrooms, I was trying about to say, like, there's no ceiling a lot of the times. We're like, it's a sky, but you're in the bathroom. I'm like, bro, I fucking love the bathrooms. And we turn a corner just a fucking glistening hog. And I like, I didn't finish my sentence. I was, like, dude, I love that. I walk in and just a dude, rinsing off. And it's like, I think he was bricked, honestly. It was like a bricked up hog and then the guy just talking this close to him while he's showering.

And the dude, Corey was, we just both went silent, just staring straight ahead. And like, as soon as he like went, I was like almost just walked out. I almost turned around. And then like I walked to an emergency exit and it was like in a dead end. We both just, do we both just stood there. And I was like, dude, I didn't know that guy was going to be there. I didn't know that guy was going to be there. He's like, dude, chill.

I'll go to the stall. I'll get changed. I was like, what the fuck are we going to do? We can't get naked with each other. And he's like, I'll go to the bathroom stall. And I was like, all right, cool. He was like, dude, that guy's bricked up for real. That guy was crazy.

We like giggle and walk back in. And he goes in the stong. He's changed. And I just, I turned and gave the guy, bricked up guy, but I just turned. I just, I showed him a bricked up guy.

Showed him. I showed up my ass. Because I was like, I can't. Dude, I'm not going to give him tinas, dude. Although that could have been.

Why are you guys getting naked in there? I was, well, he was, he had hog out. And I was going to do like, dress because I gave the stall, obviously to the guest.

I'm like, yeah, I don't, I'll handle the streets out here. So then I'm like, you go in. And then I was like, I felt kind of like a bitch getting dressed under my towel when the guy was presenting hog. So I just presented my strong suit, which is my cake. So I presented because I was like fully shrimped out. So I was like, I'm going to show on my cake, bro. A hog like that will shrimp you out.

Dude, I was shrimp from the water. See a monster hog like that? I couldn't present, dude. I was fucked. He was having a conversation, glistening hog in the stuff. Like, do you remember what he was talking about? I, dude, it was like a flashbang. Yeah.

It was just like, boom. So he was, it was probably like a city employee, I think. That's, that's, he struck me as like a guy when you go get like a construction permit. He's like, I don't know, man. I don't know. He struck me as one of those guys. I thought he was total composure. It sounded like a homosexual man.

I very high probability. Yeah, very high probability, actually. So, but then I did have a pallet cleanser. So then I, you know, I got, I got my clothes on, you know, I abandoned the towel. I was partially a man in the locker room, but I did show ass. And then I turned around, Corey, I'm like, I'm dressed. Corey comes out. He's dressed. And we turned around.

There was an old man who had walked in. I was like, oh, no, dude. We got another incoming hog. Bro is inverted. And that was like a pallet cleanser for me. I was like, all, here we go. We got like an old inverted tiness. A fucking glistening Mexican hog.

By then, he had pulled on the briefs. Thank God. Dude, the guy fucking, like, close talked him the whole time. He was showering. It was so funny. It was crazy. I'd never been in the locker room before Barton Springs. Yeah.

So I would imagine that is definitely a hot spot. Bro. I kind of put that together. I got there. I went, oh, okay. Yeah. Because the bros were happy in there. The bros were in there.

Chipper as could be. Everyone in there has a Ukraine flag in their front. Yeah. Every single one of them. I just, I felt so bad to be like, this is one of my favorite things.

They're out, down here, we turn to corner, I went, God damn. Fuck. Dude, it was, I mean, you know when you like,

you know when you just fall from being completely bricked up and you're like getting a shower and you check yourself in the mirror and you go, yeah, pretty much is. Got it.

Pretty much is like this all the time. That's what he presented. It was like a flawless, flaccid presentation. I got to give it to the guy. It was the best. Circed up? I believe so. I kind of averted my eyes pretty quickly,

but I'm pretty sure I would have registered if it was on search because that would have been another factor that haunted my fucking dreams. Yeah, I think it was just like a, yeah, that was, Corey was like, bro, that was like a health class. I thought I was in health class. It was just weird dongs all around.

and the clothes talking while naked I'll never understand. And it was clothed male, nude male too. One guy was fully clothed just sitting there like, yeah, dude, so anyway. Yeah, you can't do that. No, it was, that was, that was a shocker. And I got out like, 65 degree water.

So I'm like, that was, that was the big question. We were like, how the fuck is that guy presenting like that? We just got out of the chilly water. They might have just got out of something else. True. Could have been. That was what I was thinking about. I mean, that'd be so sick to be gay and just be like,

watching dudes swim for an hour. You get out. Everyone's dicks are out. That must be so fucking sick. You know what I'm saying? That would be like if you swam, it was just babes, then you just go and get changed.

You know, if you go in the locker room and you glance, there's a, there's a chance you get beat to death, you know? What do you mean? By a homophobic pain.

Right, right. You know? They had numbers, bro. Scope and dongs. They had numbers, they did. They are running a risk, is what I'm saying.

Oh, for sure. For sure. Down Texas way? But in that locker room? Yeah, they're safe. They had absolute numbers. If I had been like, what the fuck,

I would have gotten probably slapped to death. It would have been slapped to death. Death by a thousand slapsed. He died by sissy. But that was fun. That was still, though. That was a funny moment. Mexican sissy beat him to death.

I would have came back. Just fucking mushroom tatted up. Just whipped me with his giant hog. Had Brittany nurse my mushroom tats. You can show her, dude. the tip of the glons? It'd be too big. Did you get slapped by a glons?

I'm like, dude, he was kind of bricked. It was actually... How did he whip you if he was bricked? You'd be like, it just settled. I swear to God. Just settled. He brought his hips with him. He's fucking...

The dick gods just pulled the bone out of it. They are... But there are some big fish down there, though, in the barn creek. I had my goggles on. I was down... Oh, yeah. I'm just so jealous of everyone. Bro, I had the gags. And I was...

Dude, there was like four or five big fish down there. I was very pumped about it. You should start fishing down there and get a beat up by the cissies. Oh, the cissies would fuck you up. The cissies and the, yeah. They would scream at you. Also, do you, people just swim into you. If you're not, like, doing, like, full laps and just kind of, like, chilling in the water.

You got, like, literally swam into you by a guy. Just bulldoze right in. And he was like, and, like, you didn't say anything. And then the dude, Coy was like, God damn, what the hell? And he's like, well, I'm sorry about that. And just kept going. He's back stroking. Just right into him.

I don't like that. I should have caught a ride. I should have jumped on him. I get Barnacle. But yeah, Barton Springs is, I think it's the best. Place fucking rules, all things considered. I'll just drive home my wet bathing suit next time. Yeah, you have to.

Yeah, that's why didn't want it. It was like chilly. I was like, you know, let me, let me be considered. I don't want to sign a guy out to be chilly and wet. I didn't feel like that would be a very hospitable thing to do. Being chilly and wet sucks. Yeah. Because I do it.

I do the cold plunge at my gym. And then I just drive home. I've been doing natural reheat. No sauna. You just get out. Yeah. And just fucking head back. And I drive when I use that's why I always bring the pair.

Feels good. Feels good. I'm always cold for like the rest of the day. You're cold for a while. Yeah. If you do it all the time, your body like, now I would get so cold that I'd be actually scared. I would drive and be like, dude, for real.

I'm like, I'm getting lightheaded. This is fucked up. Your body adapts quick. Now I can just kind of drive home. No big deal, but it's like, that's why I was like, I don't want to sign someone up is I did a lot of wet, cold drives home. So I'm like, I can't put that on somebody.

Not a fucking civilian in terms of this cold water game. No, no. Can't do that. I'm back to civilian status. You got it, you'll get it right back. I know, I got to get in there. Get it right back back. I couldn't even get in my pool yesterday.

It's too chilly. Are you serious? Yeah, I mean, I've lost my... Nah, that'll put some lead in your pencil. I need it. That'll put some lead in your, you're getting that cold water, bro. That'll put some number two graphite right back in the pencil. I'm back to drinking though

I'm excited about that that's nice yeah as soon as I got back to Austin directly back to a terrible schedule no changes I was so excited I was like this is great not drinking so great

you feel great soon as I get back I'll go out tonight fuck it Austin's fun it's nice out it is fun there's something about the sun in the summer here it's very hard to not drink I still gotta get a boat trip yeah excited about that never been I've been on I've been on one

it was like shitty and cold Christmas lights it was a Christmas light You're gonna love it I bet it'd be nice I love I'm a yeah you put me on the water bro change yeah it's very fun Like eels come out Yeah people lose their minds at sea

Yeah these guys You guys went nuts last time we were at sea Swimming all of a sudden you thought you could swim You got drunk and confident He's gonna die Yeah I kept me like for real keep an eye on him Because he cannot swim

The safety vest though You had a life fast? Yeah Still yeah I didn't like it I wanted you back on board Your ass floats. His ass tells me. I was top and bottom boonient.

It was I was flawless. You were what? Top and bottom boignant. I think I used that word, right? I think so, yeah. Something sounds fine. I just heard top and bottom and boy. I was going to call you gay again.

You seem less zesty. Is that why he's become the king? Or is he still? You had to go to the zesty underworld. Now he became straight king. Yeah, straight king now. It doesn't bother us anymore. more. He's just super zesty. We just let him be.

That's how you know Lamar's mad at me. Lamar is mad. I can't. And again, I get it. You guys have reservations about it. I think it's totally innocent. The project, I try to give them the Black Swim Club as an idea. I think it'd be, you guys could be defying stereotypes. It's you two in the pool. You bring another black comic over. You just chop it up,

talk about whatever. Then all three of you... Honestly, that'd be a really... Swim on camera. Fucking funny ass podcast. I know, man. And they won't do it. None of you can swim. A million dollar idea. Just try to talk while you're... Doggy battling with your ass in the air. I think, what? Can't be it.

Can't lose. We can't lose anybody, though. We have white lifeguards. Yeah, we will have the whites. No, I don't trust y'all to not watch us drown. We're going to let you drown a little. See? See?

No, we take water very seriously. That's true. I was genuinely concerned for you. I had it. We had the big, like, floating, it wasn't a floating bed, but that floating thing. We were safe. We were safe. Yeah. Tommy was teaching us how to swim.

Tommy was blacked out. I know. That was my favorite part. He kept me like, oh, yeah, you got to fucking swim. He's trying to give me to take the life vessel off. To the middle of the river. I was like, dude, he can't swim. He needs to be able to hold on to the boat. He's trying to take the light vessel. He's like, he gets in like a little kid, though.

It's so funny to get him in. To try to get him in the water. He's like, oh, woo. He like, holds on the boat. He'll give me out. It was scary until the bruise hit. Did I? Did I?

Yeah. No, that's scary. You never know what's in there. How deep do you think that is out there? It's pretty fucking deep. I think. Oh, that's got to be more than 10. Yeah, bro.

Okay. Oh, you do have a good, you got a good depth finding in your brain, yeah. What was telling you it was about 10 feet? What was, uh, nothing? Really, that's just my guess. Just fishermen, just fishermen's intuition. Yeah, it could have. feel the bottom, so I just guess 10 feet.

We're kind of close to the shore, so. Okay. That makes sense. I get scared when I can't touch the bottom. I think there's not touching the bottom. It's spooky. Barton, there's parts of the barn. I swear of God, must be like 20 feet down. There it goes. That place goes like... It gets close to there, yeah. Yeah, super far. Who knows, dude,

down the middle of Lake Austin. Not touching the bottom, scary. Touching the bottom, scary, too. Yeah, true. Step in the fucking, like, mud and whatever the fuck that is. Yeah, I got, I got caught in that, like, sea grass stuff. Do you ever play the Ninja Turtles game for Nintendo, the second level? When you're in the water and there's a fucking electric sea grass is all I can think of. I touched it. I was like, ah.

It is spooky. I felt it. I was like, ah, shit. Moves, you go. There's something in there. It's a giant snake. Yeah, I was, I was thinking about it. When the grass hit me, all I could think about was water snakes.

I was like, bro, if I get a water moccas in, they'll get you. You get by, you hit a nest, man. They'll kill. It'll fucking kill you. Barton Springs is 18 feet. The lake is 75 feet. Okay. Lake Austin.

I was close. Damn. Yeah. Dang, that's deep as hell. Damn. I haven't been gone for a while and we still have no steam. I mean, you'd think we'd have a lot of stories. We got steam.

Steams. We were just steaming. Yeah, steaming right along. We were steaming. As if we never left. No, we were steaming for like fucking 30 minutes. And, I mean, again, apologies for the vibe. That really fucked us up.

Yeah, that kind of scared me. Yeah, man. Man. For real. I was feeling the same thing. I didn't like to see them act like that. I hate when they act up and turn on each other. I know. It is like walking dogs.

Occasionally they just start fucking biting each other. And you're like, guys, what the fuck are you doing that for? I get mad at somebody else. Like, that comic's a piece of shit. And they, you know what? You're a fucking piece of shit. Fuck you. Yeah.

Nasty little fuckers. Do you see the guy who was stuffing balloons in a shirt being a slut? Chrissy Noem's husband? Yeah. I can't tell the... I kind of want to give him the benefit of the doubt. Was he being funny? Or does he, like, have a massive joke?

No, I think there were so many pictures. How many pictures? I've only seen two. Both of them look like he's being funny. I don't know. I thought he's being super smart. I haven't looked into it. Wasn't he posting him on like a dude site?

Yeah, he told me he was posting him on a site just for doing that. Yeah, this guy... This guy's the real deal. He's not just goofing. I mean, that's high level. He's not taking a funny boob picture. Oh, the question you're raising, was it goof or goon? I think it was goon

All signs are pointing to goon Also I will say though The way he positioned the balloon knots for nipples You gotta give him credit for that That's a master at work They're calling it bimbophication Bimbification is He's late yeah lately the internet's been like a wash

And crazy like fetish stuff I recently came across lifters Just muscle guys He got like real horny to lift up women He's fucking lift him up and get real old Oh this guy was not goofing Yeah I don't think he was goofing goofing at all. That's a nice benefit

of the doubt, though. You got to, if somebody's taking jugs pictures, you go there's not, it's got to be goo- Because it's the pink spandex bike insurance. That's exactly what did it. Yeah. I saw the full photo where he's wearing yoga pants. Oh, no. Those look like those bouncy fake tits and not just like balloons.

They are, yeah, it's I'm saying. He was a, I mean, to get balloons to look like that was like, damn, that's kind of, you know how many times I try to make balloons look like big fat tits? I'm goofing. I promise you. I was going to say when I was a kid if I got my hands on balloons. Yeah.

But that's a thing. If you were, you know, you were on the fucking, I think of that, making you horny. I mean, you, that's max. What is that that makes you horny? But massive jugs and yoga pants on and taking a very serious, almost mugshot-esque photo. I mean, to be fair, though, here's a thing in, you know,

let's play devil's advocate here. Imagine if you're like, you know, you're like, oh, I don't feel like all the porn videos are kind of tapped. I've seen most of them already. You put the balloons in. you put your wife's yoga pants on. And then you did duck face to yourself in the mirror. And all of a sudden you're like,

damn, is there a baby here? Now you're with, you're with a babe. You've never been closer to a babe. So look, I look, not my cup of tea personally, but it's one of those things.

You can't knock until you try it. That's all I'm saying. I'm only seeing that one photo, though. Are we sure he's not goofing? He's got the nipples off set. That's goofing. He's probably fucking faping himself silly.

You know the hardest to keep those things straight? True. The couples are definitely getting knocked around from the fat. That is, I mean, you got it like you were saying, that's such a tough Jones to be like, fuck, this is so hot. I can't stop doing this. It's time to take pictures. I mean, that's the other thing, too. It's like, why are they, I would imagine, is the left reveling in this?

Yeah. Why don't they just accept him as being like, yeah, that's his kink. He was fucking. I guess because they assume he's homophobic. Homophobic. So whenever that happened. What if that's also his kink? I agree.

Be like, you'll never know, no son of mine will do the... Yeah, I'll do it. You hear your son's the opposite of whatever you are. I want my son to be straight as hell. I'm gonna be fucking, I'm gonna be the gayest fucking guy you've ever seen in your life. Yeah. Busted, bro.

And it wasn't a, I don't know, I saw somewhere in the article, there was some sort of like intelligence involved. Some intelligence received that photo. So I didn't know if that was like a hack job or, you know, that was with like an escort or something. It's crazy. I mean, I'm sure.

Intelligence is monitoring. Yeah. Her shit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If you're in high level politics, I'm sorry, you just can't get escorts. You just got a solo bim bim bifai and just lay low.

That is true. He could have been doing what was best for his family in their political career. Like instead of getting a hooker, it'll be like, I'll be my own hooker. I'm not going to try to sully this family's good name. Yeah. I'm going to take a picture. But then he. probably got so horny, sent the picture to a hooker.

I was like, fuck. I'm sorry, I tried my best. Look, I get it, man. You come off the show. You're hot. He's probably at the political rally. He was hot. He goes to a quiet hotel room. We've all been there. Yeah. What the fuck am I going to do now? Make this night better? Bimification. There's fucking nothing on TV.

I'm not watching a movie with commercials. I'm going to put balloons in my shirt. Fucking whack one off. He's just waiting outside the party city. It's 9.45. He's like, say, it'll be open. They're blowing them up. He's like,

a little bigger. How were these stories? Like, yeah, they're right. Let me see those balloon knots. Yeah, they're nice.

They'll need a triple XL t-shirt. I don't know. I'm not mad at the guy personally. He got caught up. He got caught up. He was guin. Let him live, man.

Let him live. I mean, it's, you know, what is his exact position anyway? Doggy. Doggy. he's a husband of a politician

yeah he's just a house husband I guess let him fucking let him cook he's horny house husband he's fucking yeah he's not he's bored all day he's waiting for her to come home

yeah yeah it's trying stuff out he's taking pills yeah he'll be vacuum so much now it's time to jack off I wonder though if that's like a weird side effect of like TRT you just like

I've been a horny house husband yeah I've been yeah what's the hell FIFA and jacked off for like three years yeah it's fucking crazy I'd go to the lizard lounge once a week. I'm going to be something in comedy.

Just watch. It's just playing FIFA. Completely spank. Three of days. When you're doing the three of days, man, you feel it's just completely zapsed. Three days is crazy. Three of days is a while.

You go to bed, shameful. Yeah. Yeah. Three of days will definitely. How many the Guna cave catch, dude? I know you were hitting two of days. No, no. It was spring ball in here.

I'm, huh? I've been chilling. I've been trying not to beat off as much Yeah I mean yeah Once every couple days now Okay Yeah respectable

Yeah You don't believe me No one believes you Why not Tell the truth There's no The curtains don't come down No one's been here

It's even better That's why nature's out here They're gathering around It's like an opposite of a zoo Animals are watching you Dude That's how fucking dirty that room is there was a lizard did sneak in there

I had to get it out Oh the lizard got in your trash room When it was cool You're just at nighttime You started jerking the lizard What the hell is that? I don't I feel anything Dude I did on the way over here

I totally forgot about this I was passing like a McDonald's I was up north And I saw a late You know classic outdoor lady Wacked out on drugs Pants fully down She was bent over

Just like finger in her butt. I think it was an itch, but it was like, she was digging so hard that I saw her head tilt back. Then I was just like, yo,

fucking, I kept dry out. I got to turn my head for it to the road. This is, and a guy walked, like, it was just like walking by her

on the street. Didn't even, you just like, tunnel vision. Yeah, you can't. Walk past. I was like, God,

what else can you do? I mean, turn around. Go the other way. Turn around, go the other way. Or, I'm not supposed to be outside today.

Yeah. I knock that off. But then it's like, Knock that off. You're getting a risk that. That butt hand can come back. You risk in a butt hand slap. Worst case scenario, a little mandible claw.

Oh, yeah. What did you say to me? It was a meaty gal. It was a meaty gal, too. Is it a whole big time? That was a big meaty butt. I saw it from like three stoplights back. I said, is that a fucking giant naked butt?

And I pulled up and I was like, oh, she's digging in. She's digging in. It was wild, dude. like full hand action, bare butt. What I saw, it was full, pull the cheeks apart, red eye. And then the hand just like, when it went to work. And I was like, yo, what the fuck? You say it was in front of Mickey Dees?

Right in front of Mickey Dees. She was having it her way. Dude. She's loving it. I was on the phone with Spud and we were just chatting. I was like, dude, time out. I just watched a lady just absolutely like, claw, claw her ass. It was full, it was full fingers, all fingers, butt scratch.

The cheek spread was crazy, dude. I mean, I mean, it was. bro, imagine. Imagine that. We've all been walking down the street. I'd give anything to itch my butthole right now. Pants down. And you go, fuck it.

I got nothing else. Five fingernails at once. Must have been bliss. Yeah. Actually, it was Pauls for a second. I want to go to the bathroom. Yeah, one of the second. I'm going to go treat myself.

Tommy's fiancee came over to help me clean all my stuff out in my closet, because I'll never do that. It's very nice of her. Yeah. And there's so many jerseys from all the shows. They always give you a jersey with your name on it, which I'll never wear. Think about giving them all the bums. Could have like 50 bums wearing like authentic Buffalo Sabres jerseys with Gillis on the back

of it. That's really nice. Right? Wouldn't that be sick? Yeah, that'd be awesome. Because they're nice jerseys. Yeah. Just big baggy fucking hockey jerseys on homeless guys.

Yeah, and it's perfect time. 107 degrees. They would love nothing more. They love layering up. They would literally love nothing more than a very heavy hockey jersey for 107 degrees. degrees. I think that's the move. I think it is too. See some guy in a T. Wolves, Gillis jersey. Jacking off. You know, fucking right, man. Dick it his ass. I had a homeless guy break into my car recently. What are he doing there?

That's the question, bro. Nothing's gone. I was for real worried he beat off in my car. Probably. That's over. That's probably what I'm thinking about ripping out. That's why I want the waterproof interior in my car. A bum broke into your car. It was just like the door, that goes around. He pops a handle. So my, I guess I forgot to lock my car And he just fucking, I came in Because all the shit was spilled out of my glove box And the center console was popped out

I was like, I got in, I'm like, I'm a fucking animal What the hell is? And I was like, it was like, has a bum. God damn bum was in my car And I could smell them too. But the funny thing was I had just, I like ran in the morning So I kind of stunk And I had a moment where I was like, that might just be me.

You might smell like a bum. But then I was like, no, that's bum. But then I was smelling me too And I was getting both smells. The bum is strong. It reminds me of, uh, Like, you know how when it rains, worms come out on the sidewalk?

I always thought worms smelled like that. And then I was just like, oh, it's the rain. It's just, that's what rain smells like. I'm an idiot. But that's the same thing, though, when you walk down six years in the summer. Yeah. I bet that's just what the street smells like.

But then you're like, I think that's what bum smells. No, it's primal man. This was primal man. There actually, I think, is a smell called like the homeless, the homeless smell bum. It's like a problem when you're trying to, like, reintroduce a homeless guy in a society.

there's a thing called the homeless smell that you have to somehow get rid of because you start to fucking reek. Being out in the sun all day, every day. Dude, you would smell so bad. I smelled it. It was in my car. He stunked my car on.

He was in there for maybe five minutes. Stunk my car up. Yeah, but if he beats, it's over. If a homeless guy... He cracked one in the CRV. Yeah, because I was like, I'd have to call and get it detailed, but then I'd have to tell the...

I'm not going to do that to a detail guy. We're like, yeah, just clean it up, man. Could be some bum semen in there. It's a house. pause load. That is a very pause load in the whip. And then it gets dry and it turns to like, dangerous load. Turns to dust. It turns into something else.

You could inhale that. That's what I'm saying. Like a special. The sun mixed with it. Fuck. Yeah, I'm worried about it. I still like, I like cautiously looked around for any kind of glisten. But I don't think, I think he just like chilled in my car. I don't know. I'm like trying to think like, what did he take? My phone charger's still there. You think that's prime bum.

I had a skateboard. You think you would take my skate. He literally took nothing out of my car. Skateboard would be sick. Yeah. You'd be a cool. last bomb. I have one of those things where you can emergency break the glass. Good, I don't know. I got bugged out on the thought of like my car submerging. I got one of those. You have one? I had one. Yeah, I was very excited

about it. I ordered it off Amazon. Yeah. So do you know the protocol for if your car, if you get submerged in water, how to get in? I mean, lower the windows a little to let some water in or some shit. Dead? No chance. I'm dead, dude. You're dead. No chance. Lower the windows. That's crazy. Crack the windows a little. No, no, no, no. Swock protocol, bro. Seapelt's immediately off.

Well, of course, you take your seatbelt off. Rear window. Because you know why the motor brings the car down. So your nose is going to start sinking first. And they're designed so that the back windows are going to float. And you think you can kick it out. Guess again? You have to have your tool.

You got to punch it. And then you start getting the kids out. And then you get out. And that's it. Then you have to, like, swim with your kids after getting a car accident in water. And I think you die, honestly. Yeah, you die. Because, well, there was a thing going on.

I get Cura emails all the time. And I just read them constantly. I read everything on. What's Cura? Cura is like a, um, I think it was like pre-Facebook. Now it's just boomers get spammed with like shit that kind of makes them kind of like clickbait. But here you can ask questions.

Like ask geez, but you have people be like, was Jesus? Oh, I know, Kira. Yeah. Was Jesus really Jewish?

And like, boomers just fight each other for like nine million comments. Like, that was the one. The guy was like, if you ever get into, if you fall into water, this is what you do.

And apparently I looked it up and it was like, no, that's actually the worst possible thing you can do. So it's just, there's a thing that goes around that's, get people to click it. So I looked up the real protocol. I got so bugged out on it that I ordered like three of those glass smashers. That's nice. Yeah, because they were like, you got to find a window, kick it out. I looked it up. They said, no, they said, take the headrest off

your seats and then hit the rear window because that'll still be floating. Who's telling me to crack the windows a little? Has anyone else heard this rumor? A little bit though? Why would you, then the water is just going to start rushing. I think it's easier to break. It's easier to break. That's what I assumed is like if it's not sealed, you could kind of crack it a little bit easier. 30 seconds, bro. Your car has, they say like a minute. It's easier to open the door or something.

Who knows? You're going to get rushed. We're going to flood. You're going to sink that your whole family's going to. I can hold my breath. I don't have a family. Also, you go, hey.

Yeah. Fresh time. We're all together, guys. One of the producers, look up that crack the window thing, dude. I got to find out. Look up SWOC protocol. Because I could be,

I could get wrong. No, I believe, I believe your protocol sounds exactly Swock Protocol. I'm just wondering why I have this urban myth. I don't know.

That's, I was, dude, I was like really bugging out on this. Let's look up how exactly you, the thing that was kind of cool

is that. The Doper's racing to the internet. True. Swak. Swak. Can you look up cracking the window because I do want to make sure.

There's line to me. There's a lot of bad information going around. AI says if your car is synkey, you immediately try to open or roll down windows before water fills the car. If the windows won't open

use a dedicated window breaker tool. So let's get the windows. Okay. So maybe that is first line of defense. Roll them down. But doesn't water rush into your car then? Yeah, but then you can open your door. Oh.

I guess. No, but you can't open your door because the water pressure is so heavy. It's like. But there won't be water pressure if your windows down. You crack the window. Yeah. Interesting. I don't know.

I'm just not going to do it. Don't die. Let's go down. I'm just not going to die. I'll just move on a bed. Yeah. But yeah, so, well, we'll say. We should test it.

I think Mythbusters did an episode on this, by the way. So if you're interested, check that out. Check out MB. Damn, Patreon's going to rip. Patreon's going to fucking slash. Patreon's going to go nuts. It's going to slash.

We're going to conquer the wasp nest. We should do that in between. Yeah, let's go conquer that and come back. All right. Goodbye, everybody. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Spotify. Do it.