Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 607 - All Guys Welcome (feat. Sam Tallent & Shawn Gardini)

Episode Date: April 7, 2026

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Pre-Order Sam's New Book 'BRUT' @ https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/787018/brut-by-sam-tallent/ Support Chubby Behemoth @ https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth Go See Sam Live @ https://punchup.live/samtallent Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Come to Optimum Noctis Tonight! @ https://www.creekandcave.com/events/optimumnoctis Go See Shawn Gardini Live if you want  @  https://www.shawngardini.com/live hello everybody. Hope you all had a good Easter weekend. We got Sammy T at the podez for the cast this week. It's always nice when Sam's in town. He cracked us up ... literally hahahahahahahhahaha. Get his new book. Go see him on the road. Go See Matt on the road. Go see Shang on the road. Please enjoy. God Bless. Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/DRENCHED and use code DRENCHED and get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup! p.s. we may have a special surprise for next week. shhhh Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

The wow, wow, Wes. Nice and long. I got me a lover. Breathe in. Breathe out nice. Come on. Yes. Got it all.

I sounded like the whole spine cracked. Yeah, that was nice. You got the top there. You want one? I'll take one. That's right in my home. Take a crack in your eyes. Here, let's go loose on the hands.

Your hands loose. You don't have to grab one. Can I freeze out? Beat. Too tight. You're not rigatoni. I don't know. I'm all the sponge.

Hello. Are we fired up? Oh, hell yeah. Perfect. Beautiful. Well, yeah,

I, the first time I went to an escape room, I was like pure Da Vinci code. Going like too deep into the details where I'm like counting the brand, like the leaves on like the fake tree. I did the paneling on the, on the wood grain. I was like,

there's something in the grain. They're like, no, there's just like a series of pegs in the wall. If you take one out and you're like, oh, okay. Well,

fucking if I knew it was like for, dumbasses. We were in there for an hour, dude, with all of my wife's, like, second year medical school class and, like, time ran out. And I was like, okay, well, we didn't get out of the room, you know, a big deal. And then the doctors were like, can we see the rest of it? And I was like, rest of it. There was like 12 more rooms in there we didn't even get into. What? And then, like, the lady who runs, it's like, did you check this drawer? And everyone was like, no, but we did, like, take a ducked off the fucking ceiling. And, like, we pulled up this rug that was actually, like, nailed down. Oh, yeah, you should have checked this drawer. The keys in there. So embarrassing.

Did you guys ask for hints? No, I would love to hint. But no, I'm in there with young doctors. Yeah, they won't do it. Of, you know, a lot of like first generation Americans in there. True. Communication issues abound. And then just a bunch of like beaten men who were like, oh, I like football too, you know, like the husbands of female doctors. Yeah. We need a support group, bro. I would, I would agree. I dated her doctor briefly. I remember her being very. I remember her being very intense. Oh, dude. Like, specifically around, like, I remember her being like a little bit kind of like

in a funk one day. And I was like, you know, basically the problem was she just had the wrong answer in class. And I was like, that's it. And she was like, dude, it's like humiliating. And that's cool to get the wrong answer. I was like, dude, that sucks. Oh, it's never ending. I had like a 10% hit rate in class.

I was wrong all the time. Yeah, where they'd be like, no, no, not exactly. No. And I was like, all right, well, I participate it. That's for my grade. I'm a good standing. I tried. I'm like the rest of the cowards in here.

You're holding the book upside down. At least I did the reading. I was big on that. I would really fire up because there is like a weird tension in school where like no one will like raise their hand first and take a stab. And I would take a stab. Now imagine heightening that with a bunch of people who were like first in their class and then first in their class again in college.

Now they're all in one room competing for like, you know, the prowess and the prestige of being like the number one nerds. Smart. Yeah. And then you get like three cocktails in them and they're an escape. room and it's just all this shit coming up hierarchy's on display the bureaucracy's there like you see who's like actually people were looking to as like the leader yeah you're watching like an indian woman like her father her father's love leave her mind she like fails to get the clues she's like flashing back to

holly fest when she was 13 she's covered in colorful chalk she's like why aren't i there i could have sold mangoes i've been free now i'm in henderson nevada yeah i wonder i wonder when the uh what what generation will the Indian and Chinese rebel against the, like, academic strictures of the culture. I think we're getting there right now. That's what Shennyon is. Yeah, shoot. I love Shen Dion.

I love Shen Yu. Like, we're tired of being doctors. We want to flip around. I always laugh thinking about following Shen Yong like the Grateful Dead and just going to all the cities. Selling grilled cheeses. Yeah. So like the windings in the parking lot. Yeah.

Looking for a miracle. Yeah. I want an Asbury Park Shen Yun ticket. I'm excited to get just, you get old enough to see some like American bread Asian punks. Yeah. I'm just like, you know, like the cool Japanese guys in like Tokyo Drift who were like, oh, you think you could beat me in a race. We're getting there. We are getting there? I think so. I went to high school with some of them, especially Indians. Indians. Oh, yeah. I call them like they love the Miami Heat. Yeah. They love LeBron James.

They like really attach themselves to black culture. Yeah, Coca-Cola. Yeah, they love soda, hamburgers. Yeah. They just love advertising that they saw in Lebanon. There's like, I don't know, they're not actually like punk rockers with like, you know, mohawks and stuff. But like I do think there's like the young, at least they're on Detroit, there's like the young Indian Middle Eastern type guy who like has the all black like sweats on with flip flops all the time. Okay. So they're not like, you know, like I like to listen to crass and huff glue.

But they are kind of like, hey mom, I'm just going to like smoke this vape cart and like be online all day. And that's their rebellion instead of like studying like their sisters did. True. So I don't think it's going to be like this like big like pushback. fuck you rock and roll flag burning yeah it's more just like this like quiet like okay like that kind of pissiness to your mom they're just not they're not just getting down with the but then those guys they end up driving uber like 99 hours a week so they end up like getting it

one way or the other literally 100 hours a week yeah dude it's crazy you'll pick you up and they're like yeah you're like my 19th ride I'm like dude it's 6 a.m i know like well i get up at 3 am and then i pick people up and then i switch to the lift app because it cuts me off after 12 hours right it's just like bro i figured out how to drive 26 hours string what hour am i'm 25. I know. Their eyes are cake. They look like fingernails.

Yeah. I've been to the airport 12 times today. Dude, yeah, those like lifer Uber drivers that have just completely cracked the code. They always like kind of freak me out a little bit.

I made like four grand this week. I'm like fucking how. Yeah. They're grinding. By breaking all the rules. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know. Like I feel like those dudes who have like the Uber hacks and they drive forever. Like that is like their first financial freedom and they're really stoked on it. Yeah. And then you get in the car and you get in the car and you, ask them one question and then they like show you like all the YouTube videos that they watch to figure out how to like maximize their time it's like your whole life is being a car drone yeah like you've optimized your human form you're a waymo yeah yes which is what you're part of the machines

right well waymos here watch your purses no now wamos are here yeah and the and the uh what if the the Tesla ones the Tesla bots or whatever the Tesla ones I think are still learning okay like They have to be driven. And there's another brand that's still learning and has to be driven. And someone else said this, but it's funny because the people who drive them are just regular people. So they pick up on like bad driving habits. Like they're like all red lights and things like that.

Yeah, I've been peeping the waymows are getting aggressive. I've been seeing those things drive and they'll like, if someone stops, they'll like whip it around and go around them. And, you know, I got like not cut off by one, but I was like,

oh, it's designed to let me go. Like I figure like if you play chicken with the thing, it's just going to let you go. I went to cut and it was just like, rar, and I was like, oh, shit. Okay. There's a ghost in the machine. I think there is a ghost in the machine.

Yeah. In San Francisco, they're just getting torched all the time. Really? That was at Cobbs like last weekend and they were just dudes talking about like their friends going out with like homemade molotabs and smashing them on Waymo's. My thing is like why? I don't know. I have no idea. It's like the Pokemon Go phenomenon where like they mapped entire cities for free because they put snorlaxes in weird places.

Yeah, true. Yeah. So it's like, who owns this? Yeah. Who knows the alleys that I take every. every day. And you're going to put a fucking slow poke in there? Yeah. But it's also like your phone. You've mapped. I would probably mapped everything in your phone. I think I think they have everything of me. Yeah. And I willingly consented and given it to

them because I didn't want to read any terms of service. Yeah, dude. TLDR. Fuck that, bro. The terms of service are crazy. I want the thing that puts the face on the dog. Also, you can still read the terms of service and then you still have to click yes. There's still nothing. If you actually read them, it's a complete waste of time. Right. You print them off. You like redline them, send them back to their lawyer. You can't call your lawyer and be like, yeah, well, let's let our people talk for a little bit. Right. Yeah, let's hammer this out. Let's figure out this deal. I'm making a deal with Apple. Yeah. Yeah.

You just have to select it. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. Or you're just like, you're not a part of society. Like this whole like social credit course score thing. It's like they haven't implemented that, but like we all have to have the exact same stuff or you're not allowed to participate. Yeah. Like the human day. Yeah. So it's like, dude, I just want to succeed, man. I'd love to just pull out, live in like one of the lesser keys down in Florida. Be like crab man. Damn, that'd be nice.

Just be like burnt all the time. Yeah. Diet 58, but happy. Like outside death, no one finds you for a while. Yeah. That's what I want. I want like a metal detector death, dude. Just out there like crows eating your eyes, you know.

Your wife's like, you died doing what he loved. Keys, going in the keys would be nice, just unplugging. Although you'd be in the key, I'd be in the keys. I'd have a little margaritas. I'd be on Facebook being like, bro, fucking Trump kicks that. It would eventually, you got to have some faith in the big man everybody vert are you pulling it up thank you can't stop producing wow this is the kid I mean we came up on him and he was he was a pit crew outside one man I know chad in his tires

he had low PSI keep moving it the whole time whoa hey shoot really worked that thing man god it'd hate to see we do your penis that's how you treat this yeah probably you're probably that's good stuff I like that man I like that fucking not that's the thing a lot of people don't have the gumption to interrupt the live broadcasts for check the out. To just, I don't have to grab this thing like it was a snake that popped out of a hat. I had to. No, I appreciate that. Are we good over there?

Okay. Sorry, Val. The producer's high on ketamine, so. She's been raving for 36 hours straight. This episode is brought to you by prize picks. The playoff push is heating up and there's no better way to cash in on the high flying hoops action than prize picks. America's number one sports pick app.

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That's code drenched to play $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. Prize picks. There's no more slogan. It's just prize picks. I watched a, I would say, delightful video today. You know the, you know that like that debate format, 20 verse one? Uh-huh. Or like where you're like circled where it's like one person, you're surrounded by people who disagree with you.

Classic debate form. Yeah, yeah. The conversation will be bang. But it, dude, it was Jillian Michaels. I sent it to Sean. It was Jillian Michaels versus 20 either obese or obese supporting body positive like therapists and stuff. Yeah. First of all, the worst part about it was, and in that format, it's like whoever gets to talk has to race to the chair.

Right. So like Gillian Michaels is sitting there. He's like, all right, first one to get there. You just watch everyone's getting out and trying to go over. It's like feeding time at the hippo tank. They threw a bunch of pumpkins down. The audio, the audio just, uh, yeah. Chairs exploding. Just to express fat attitude basically. It should have had them in like beanbags. So much of people like rocking out of there. I'm healthy. They had to argue with this lady that and apparently then so she was using obese which I thought was like respectful being obesity and the one lady is like excuse me it's

fat bodied that's the new term. It's fat bodied. That's the new acceptable term. I've been called fat body and it wasn't very inclusive or nice. I've been called fat bodied various public pools and it didn't feel good. Hey, I'm a fat-bodied adult. No. Fat-bodied is so funny.

They're like, we don't obese. It's fat-bodied. Hey, man. Please, respectfully, I'm fat-bodied. Yeah, I know. I can see you. I try to be nice. E.

A. Fat. Yeah, I'm a Wad. I'm a blob, whatever you want. But don't be mean to me about it. It was just great. It was just like, you know, super fitness lady being like, bro, I'm not like mad you guys are fat. It's just I'm coming here of the opinion that it's like unhealthy at a certain point to

have excess fat in your body. Like that's, she's explaining like that's what fatty liver is. It's like fat itself isn't bad, but if you have too much or whatever, it can start to like turn into something bad. I don't know, whatever. You like metastasizes and becomes like a foreign body. And then if you have too much fat, I think, as I'm a chiropractor, as I showed on you earlier, I think that your body, if it gets on, if it gets on an organ, it'll start attacking

it like cancer. Yeah. And like heart disease can be elements of that. Your brain. Your brain, dude. They're always talking about how Alzheimer's just like type three. like diabetes. I didn't know I could get fat in my brain. Oh dude I got fat head since day one And like as a guy who's like still fat but was much more fat like fat like fat

Like fat acceptance is so dangerous yeah, because like I don't know dude you're you're allowing these people who have like let like you know Have lost control it's a loss of control it's a physiology thing it's it's a lot of different elements but you've lost the battle Yeah and then we're just supposed to be like hey it's cool yeah I guess if they're making the choice like if it is a slow form of suicide then like you have to embrace it like that's man's only option is to kill himself or like have a cigarette or whatever. Yeah. So like I just don't think that normalizing it is like ultimately going to help the little fat kids because like shaming a little fat kid, that's what got me running laps before school. Yeah. My mom. You could see my tits through my shirt. Dude, my mom shaming my whole life. Even today. If I go home and if I get in the pool in the summertime, if I put on weight,

my mom will be like, you've gotten fat. She'll just right up. She'll just be like, yeah, damn, you're getting fat. And I'll be like, all right. You get it too. Oh yeah. What hope is there for me then? I was looking at you on stage last night. You were like a Brooks Brothers model with your fucking great hair. You're making all these cool moves and like you're filling out the shirt. I was like, yeah, maybe I could like do traps. What are traps? That was just my mom.

I think Matt has traps. Either on my mom's, either I'm a little shameful fat boy or my mommy's muscle man. I try to be my mommy's muscle man every year. You've always been mommy's muscle man, haven't you? You have that energy. Big dick muscle man. Yeah. Yeah.

Pylon. I think it's crushed in comments because my neck is, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's chubby. It's because you have 30 beers a day. Yeah. Yeah, pretty much. You're going to get pumpkin face. I try to do 50, you know, cut the beers out. You've been doing intuitive drinking. That's part of body positivity. Intuitive. Put a blindfold on. Make a cocktail. Well, they talk about, dude, it's actually kind of crazy. So, you know, she's just arguing with those people and they're like, and it's just like, well, hold on. Let me compose myself. I came from that chair over. I say this with empathy. I'm a big fat guy. I understand.

understand the plate. Yeah. I was a fat kid. I was a fat kid. It's like, you know, it's tough. You get teased and all stuff and people pinch your fat nipples and yell and laugh at you. God, bean dipping, bro.

You've been bean dipped recently? Dude, the former owner of the Springfield Comedy Club when we were down there last time, Nathan Lund goes on stage, he's like, hey, knock him dead. Sack taps Lund. Sack tapped him right before he's walking up. So Lund's walking on stage, like, oh, fuck. Oh, that's goddamn.

Like the first two minutes of his set, we're like, yeah, the owner just sack tapped me. He's like on the balls of his toes, you know, that one to shake him out. That's crazy. And then he bean dipped me. He beanedipped me before I walked on. Me, the headliner. I've known him for 12 years.

I was the only guy who worked this club before, you know, you got the settlement money or whatever. You're going to fucking flap my flap jacks on the way up. I mean, also, how did that affect you psychologically? I wanted to be on fire. I wanted to grab him after he flat me and jumped down the stairs. I wanted to be a human bomb, bro. I went up there and I was mad.

And like the first 15 minutes, I watched the tape, first 15 minutes, I'm like finding shit to be mad at on stage. And Lund also did the funny bit of I just got sack tapped. So I can't walk up and be like, hey, he bean dipped me, folks. That was humiliating. You have to re-beadip yourself to like, because some people wouldn't know what it was. You'd have to, yeah, you'd have to illustrate. You have to flap your own jugs. And now you're reactivated.

Right, yeah. Now you're back in the stairwell getting, you know. It's irresistible. No, irreversible. Yeah. Yeah, it was great, man. And it was really, it was a good display of just what we deal with now, just being like, if I get angry enough at you and convince you, you're a horrible person based on just my own

emotions, I'm right. And it was just 20 people being like, you're actually a huge piece of shit. She's like, why? Because it's just not fair for you to say that to a fat body person. And be telling other fat people going, yeah. This is a sign of just like, we're all full of shit. It's because this would exhaust. Yeah.

But a Japanese tourist come because they think they're going to feed seals. But yeah, I'm not. I'm not fat body phobic at all. I'm not either. I'm many fat friends. I'm a fat guy. Not fat body phobic. But yeah, it is.

You were nice to me. I swam in the pool last year. No one said, hey, look at those drugs. Because I was a fat kid. I remember. You get it. I remember the torment, dude. My nickname was thunder thighs, dude.

Still to this day. You fill out those pants. Dude, my thighs are crazy, dude. I get a third thigh right there. You're holding Chargini's piece for it? Yeah, right, bro. That's just, that's my prosthetic. Well, what the fuck?

We've witnessed the death. We witnessed the death of, like, ethos and logos and now it's all pathos. This is the emotional thing. We're supposed to make arguments. Pathos was like the last vestige of a bad orator. So like you were supposed to then if you weren't like making your points, you're supposed to be then emotional and big and do all the tricks because you couldn't get there with the ethics of it or the logic of it. And now it's just all pathos. Yeah. And you've got like, you know, huge people arguing with a woman for like so mean guys can watch it online. Literally. All the comments are just people laughing, being like,

Like, dude, running to the chairs, hilarious. Yeah, it is, it is pretty funny. And they knew what they were doing. I know. They knew. I know. One thousand percent. Yeah.

It's just this is a spectacle. They're not going to get to anything. Dude, they even had a thing on like the big snack companies, like, you know, free delays, all this stuff. Pepsi. They, there was like an investigative, you know, journalism thing, an article where they had internal, internal company memos of being like why it's, why body positivity is good because they were like, you know, like certain points of it, like intuitive eating was one. Intuitive eating make sure that we don't like, you know, our snacks don't come under fire. This thing, body positivity,

calorie count. There's a part of it where it's like get calories off of stuff. Because like we know that's like kind of shameful. Like why should I have to be like why should I have to be reminded of how many calories? It's pretty fucking nuts. So we have to exist in a world just bereft of anything that makes sense. Yes. Like we because people don't want to know that like that entire bag of Fritos has 1,200 calories. They're going to eat it anyway. And Pepsi's like pushing it being Like, yeah, actually, this is, this is very important for the body positivity because they just want to keep everyone going. Yeah. It's like how they put protein on Pop-Tarts now.

And it's like, oh, okay. So me on GLP1, I can eat Pop-Tarts and still go to the beach. It's a fucking joke. And everyone's just like, yeah, it's crazy. And then we're just back on our phones. Yeah. Like, we're so cooked. I know.

I'm not cooked. I'm not cooked. You're not cooked. We got to maintain the fucking light in the dark, bro. True. We can't give it. No, you can't. It's so hard not to.

I know. It's so hard not to just be like, pull out that white flag and start jerking off. Yeah, I'm gonna get high at 8 a.m. Who cares? When WestJet first took flight in 1996, the vibes were a bit different. People thought denim on denim was peak fashion. Inline skates were everywhere,

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White flag. Yeah, I like how you brought up your wife, like, jerking you off. He was like, he was like, lick my nipples. Yeah. And Britt made a funny noise across the balcony. She came on stage last night. She went like, all right, baby.

Yeah. That's awesome. I was participating. I've never heard my wife on stage, except for the one time she heckled me in Key West. So. What did she say? Oh, dude, I was doing some bit.

I asked a woman, I my wife, we went on a, like, wine cruise before the show. Awesome. So it was like we had like 12 bottles of wine in like an hour, you know. My wife gets there and she's like a pirate like one eyeed, you know. Like she met some gal on the cruise. She's like, come on the show.

It'll be fun. So they like sit her down and I hear her in the back of the room talking during the middle. And I'm like, I go up to her and I'm like, hey, baby, you know, we're all having fun. That's like as much as you can say. I'm over there trying to like diffuse a fucking bomb before I go on stage and entertain. Hey, honey, you know, it's fun to have fun, right? I'm at work, but I am. I really am.

This is my whole thing. So I go up on stage and I was, I don't know, I was doing crowd work. It was two rival boat crews were there. So like, and like, they both hated the same captain. So I like made fun of one boat crew and then this boat crew like joined in making fun and I was like, oh, well hey, you guys are a different boat crew and then this boat crew is like, correct, you know, so it's kind of chaos. Yeah.

And then I asked a woman in the crowd, I don't know, I was drunk to. I asked a woman, I was like, have you ever been pregnant? which is an insane question to ask. Insane question, but again, I'm doing triage comedy. And I know there's a ticking time bomb in the back and she is wearing my wedding ring. So I was like, hey, you've ever been pregnant? And I hear someone in the back go,

you have no right to ask her that. And I say, that sounds like my wife. And she says, it was. Oh no. Like, what am I supposed to do? It's dude and yeah, it's a tough spot. And it's also like, I don't know. Part of me feels like the crowd would be excited.

Like, wait, his wife's here? No, no. But they don't. Yeah, they're kind of like, well, what the fuck's going on right? What is she is like his nurse too? She doesn't trust him. They have to do the road together because he cheats. Yeah, they just project right away.

Yeah, dude. Wait, is that real? Yeah. No, I've, I've, yeah, I've had it before where Brittany will also take it upon her. She doesn't do this anymore. But like when I first started headlining, she would come sometimes. And people would talk. She would like go up like a bouncer and be like, hey, be quiet at your table and people

be drunk and they shut the fuck up. Then I was on stage. One time that happened and I'm on stage and I was already like battling with this guy. And she had at some point been like, hey, keep it down. And he said something back to her. And I heard her just be like, excuse me. And I was like on stage, like, what the fuck did you say, dude? And just the whole crowd was like, why?

I don't want it. They were like a dysfunctional family party. Yeah. They're just like, this is uncomfortable. Oh, dude, what the fuck you said? It's my fucking white. Yeah. Yeah.

It's just like ultimate white trash. I know we're joking around, but I'll fuck you up right now. Now, Waymo's are weird, aren't they folks? Well, I try to have him come on stage. Like, come on stage. Like, I was like, here's my cool moment. I'm gonna destroy this guy. He came up without him like and was like, dude, you're fucking gay.

And I couldn't talk. And I was like, get the fuck off stage. No. What a nightmare. It was the worst. Everything bad happened. Then I got my check and it was way less than I expect. Yeah.

And I was like, man, I really hate myself right now. I really hate my life. Oh, I just mortgaged my soul for $500. All right. Brittany leaves with him. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he walks out holding her hand.

He still have to do 40 minutes. He had like a tailored leather jacket. It was like perfect. sleeve wang? Where was it? I don't remember. Cursed Phoenix. It was Cursed in Phoenix. Oh, yeah. Cursed Phoenix. Cursed Phoenix. Me and Phoenix, I've been hexed in the Phoenix market my whole because it's all 22 year olds. Is that what it is? It's all kids. If you do that Tempe club, it's like on the college campus. Because I did one Phoenix room and this last time I went down there and it was just a bunch of like kids with backwards hats, just like wearing shorts.

Like, all right, bro. And I was like, fuck. I'm going to talk to you guys about like being married and honesty. This sucks. Yeah. I did a bunch of marriage material at Skang Fest last year and I was like, I was doing the math. I'm like, I don't know if this is landing here. This is, yeah, a bunch of like poly gas station employees. Oh, for sure. Yeah. It's a lot of those ladies who get like that weird like hair extension that's pink and then they have to carry it all day. Have you seen this phenomenon? You know I'm talking? You're a rave person. You know I'm talking about. I don't know what that is. It's like a purple like fucking like predator tail. I think I do know they plug it into the back of their head. It's like an extension. But it looks like one big like dreadlock like thing. And it's so long that they have to like carry it around and they're like daffy ducks.

sweatpants at the Buckees. What? Yeah, yeah. Is it one long purple braid? Purple pink. It could be a menagerie of colors. Damn, that's fucking weird. And again, this could be a more of a Detroit-specific phenomenon. No, no. Well, I recently did like a very Gen Z kind of show.

It was a, if you laugh, you leave. And that was like, I got there. And oh, there, okay. Well, that's kind of like that. I'm not going to lie. But you can put it in your butt when you get home. Put you the tail. But it's just like one.

Yeah, just boom, right in the back. And you can see them like, you know, if their kids act up being like, you've had enough fun dip. And just fucking whapping them with it. Yeah. With your brain. Yeah. I don't need more buddy's pizza. The, uh, the crowd was for real like, there was a furry in the crowd.

There was like gay guys dressed as like Count Dracula. It was, they were all like wearing like typo negatives. It was fucking. It's like, yeah. It was just weird, man. It was like, it was like young, young, very internet kind of internet heavy kids that were just like dressed bizarrely. Dude. Like they were dressed like sprites and like fairies.

It was really fucking weird. Yeah. And they were just like, they looked like anytime you would say anything like slightly, they weren't like super sensitive, but they would just be like, oh, if you would say anything like kind of weird or fucked up. Well, their filter is just like their entire life. They've just been like in this pool of like human shame and how to identify it. Yeah.

So like young people and they like when you hit him with a joke, they're like trying to like turn it into like the neutrinos of how to be mad at you. I feel, you know. Like it's just like going through this. like sieve and it's like dissipating across their face. Yeah. Like okay, he said trans and I'm not gonna listen to the rest of the joke. Yeah.

Yeah, it's bizarre. You're like, what does this mean about me? They're like, oh. I do the meet and greets like after all the shows and sell the merch and I see the kids come up and they're getting so young. Yeah. I don't know why. Must be like kill Tony or like hive.

Whatever it is. I always try and figure it up like they're so young and they're stoked and like they're stoned as fuck. Yeah. And they come up and they're like, all right. You're like, okay. And they put my fucking armpit on their shoulder and take a picture. and they can't say a word.

Yeah, kids, man. I get a lot of, I get like a decent amount of Coke bros. Yeah, yeah. A lot of Coke. They come up and their pupils are like that big. Like, dude, that was, that's amazing. Dude, me and my boy have his business. It's on crazy.

You got to check it out. Yeah. And they went to the bathroom three times during the show. Yeah, dude. I hate the guys to go to the bathroom. They're clearly geeked on either Ket or Coke. And then at the merch line, they're like, bro, that was the best. And it's like, you were gone for 22 minutes.

You weren't in there. You're in the bathroom with three of your friends. Right. Half my set. And the only person who's aware of it and secretly mad is me, the man your compliment. The man are you paid to see. Got to watch the whole thing. Yeah.

No, you didn't. Dude, that, yeah, that thing you were talking about of, like, people being completely disconnected from reality and having, like, no basis to like the pathos and whatever ethos. I'm reading a book right now by this guy, Alistair, McIntyre. Okay. It's called After Virtue. And he wrote it like, I think in the 60s. And he basically goes back. So here, this is the.

it starts off it's crazy so he this is his thing it's called like the the big problem and he was like imagine a world where like something bad happens and we just completely dismantle science we're like fuck science fuck scientists we kill scientists we burn all the labs down so science has been completely eradicated it's just it's no more and then after wry of Alexandria burnt down worldwide exactly and then every and then we come you know a few hundred years later people go fuck yeah this actually maybe that wasn't the problem let's let's fire science back up but all they're left with are like the book the broken pieces of what science once was. So they're like resurrecting bits and pieces of this once like comprehensive body of knowledge. And then they all they can do is try to use the bits and pieces to

like basically gain themselves in advantage with like it's like a half understanding of a thing. And they try to like use those to like basically promote their own kind of agenda. It's kind of like me having any argument with anyone. That well that's what they tell. I have like three shards and I'm like well actually that's I saw a 30 second video that said different. So that's and that's where he goes like you know that that that's where we are with like moral debate now like we've we've we've completely It's completely shattered the foundation of it. And it's just people with bits and pieces who have feelings who just want to be right and

want you to agree with them. Yeah. And he's like, that's just kind of where we're at. And I mean, Hitler was really good at that too. Who's nasty. Yeah. Like all those guys who like moved people to commit awful were really good at fucking moving the crowd.

Yeah. Communicating without any kind of like logic behind it. And it's literally people looking and being like, that guy's good. I like, I'm going to vote for that guy. He's loud. He's getting charged up. Oh yeah. But that's that was his whole thing.

He like takes all these like big debates in our time and he's like, well, never get to the bottom of him. Like he's like abortion. He's like it's just two different people being like, well, let me, let me tell you the facts of the matter. I'm objective here. You're complete. And they, and people to sit there and argue and just essentially go the arguments like, you're a piece of shit. And if you agree with me, you'd be good. Right. So just like that's, that's what we're left with now. You try to scold them into agreeing with you, which is historically one of the worst ways to move the needle at all. Yeah. Is to try and demean and make small. Yeah. Now the book, the book is cool. He basically

talk he's like the the from his you know point of view and it's it's like really complicated it had to get like a book about the book to understand it because it is kind of like dense um you're listening to like the succession podcast after the episode for your book pretty much yeah but he's like it's it's so it goes so far back to where like he was like we've we've had like a series of things happen within like you know from like aristotle all the way to post modernism at like points where we like we you know we ditch the aristotle point of view which i don't fully understand but it's more or less just like a guy who's like undogmatic about like you know he doesn't have like influences of the church just like the ancient greeks looking around like what is the sickest thing

I could do for myself that would increase the stoke for the collective and myself at the same time yeah then you have the church come in it's like well dude if you come you're evil right so then everyone got this like weird thing where they're like oh the what's good is like kind of an external authority that I have to kind of obey and then that got shattered to where it's like no man just do whatever you feel. Right. So now you're just, you have these like completely kind of unrelated, contextless people just like having emotional reactions and trying to like police others to like regulate their own emotions. Yeah, trying to control this world that's complete chaos. Yeah. And like, we all have our own reality that originates from this thing. Yeah. And then we're just like little

nation states wondering around bumping into people. Yep. You know, it's like there's no community. There's no connectedness. It's really scary. I was telling him to fucking join a bowling league, I think. Or no, it was that Dylan kid. I was like, get back to bowling bro. Yeah. We need to find something. That's kind of the thing. He's like we got to strip it down to like the smallest, tiniest communities and get those things to work. And then from there you can kind of branch out because he's like, yeah, much the tenants of anarchy.

Yeah, pretty much. Hey, what are you? I love you. You love systems of coercion. But it is funny. He's basically like, we're so far gone that even like, like, the things have become so distorted that even if you like go to school for philosophies, like, you're basically just kind of jerking yourself off because the tools you're using are just like, just

complete chaos. None of it makes sense. There's no context of anything. It's just like regurgitating facts that some other guy. And it's also funny because like in philosophy, like there's no truths. You know, it's like people like arguing for their like objective truth or whatever. So it's like kind of like with comedy where you're like, how do I like make it in comedy and there's like no playbook whatsoever?

And we're all just like kind of chasing this like imaginary tale. Well, no, you post your episode every day at 2 p.m. on Wednesday and that gets the algorithm going. 100% it gets juiced. Yeah. But no, it's exactly that. Well, I was, I was envious of you last night when you said that you said that you. you spent Easter with your neighbors and that some of your neighbors came to the show.

Because like I'm not at all like entrenched in my neighborhood at all. Yeah. Despite like some legitimate effort, you know, like going to the community center, like all this shit like outside waving to people. Everyone's walking their dog with headphones on. Yeah. Even when they're out on your city sidewalk, you can't still like engage with the people who live three minutes away.

And it's very frustrating. And I think that a lot of people are just like completely alone and disconnected. And then they have like a girlfriend or a boy. and they like cling on until it dies, like Lenny from Misenmen. You're like crushing the one thing that loves you and sees you is who you are. And then you get mad at them because they make you feel like a baby sometimes. I don't need you. I don't need anyone.

Then you're just the Joker. Yeah. There's a bunch of us that are just the Joker out there. Yeah. And that's what I want to talk to you about is this like initiative that I want to do. Oh yeah. Help these dudes. These fucking dead eyed dudes I see at the merch table who are like, you know,

doing pharmaceuticals they get online to enjoy the comedy show with the guy they really like. Yeah. The one time we come to their town and they still have to be fucked up at the show. Not just booze, but it's like a variety of things. Yeah, like completely whacked out. Yeah. Yeah, well, I will say the neighborhood cohesion. That's all my wife.

She's very like, she's very outgoing and friendly. We were there for like a year. And then she had already had like she joined this group. It's like the, you know, like the like a mom group of like our neighborhood. And next thing I know we would have like 20 people at our house all going out together. It's really nice. Yeah. I play basketball now.

That's like we play basketball every year. That's what I want. I want to like play pickleball. I want to play bocchi. play pick a ball. You know? Yeah. Bachi, you need a sick hat for Bachi. I have a sick hat. All I have is the sick. What would you go with? Buller, fedora? No, dude, I have like a big like, like almost like yowman farmer, like an Asian, but not really, like a Mongolian step hat. Oh, that's awesome. It has like a crazy braid under here and I tied off and it's like a scarf. I just look like a widow

in the South, you know, like I should be in a rocking chair. But I want to put that gear on and hit the Bachi pit. And that you should. That's kind of bullshit. You can't. Well, I could go play by myself like a psycho in my big hat and then no one's gonna want to play with me if they see me alone might be field of dreams you might go he got early onset Alzheimer's you'd have one guy be walking his dog and he'd go home put on his fedora and take every ounce of courage and you walk up and be like hey man mind if I toss those balls just a bunch of guys who had a hat they've been waiting to wear and then they see me and they're like that's the spark he's the change he wants to see yeah I'm also coming around on this like fat guy thing like I think it's kind of cool the fat people are like you know what

fuck you. Like, it's hard for me. I'm gonna be fat. I'm tired of you and told I'm fat. I'm fat bodied. I'm not obese. That's a medical term. Yeah.

Get the fucking calories off soda. You look at that yourself. I don't want to see that. And like fat people for the most part are either like really funny or like have never said a funny thing ever. So it's really hard to like know which one you're dealing with because I'll see a fat guy like in public and be like, all right. This guy's going to do something.

And then he's just like, ugh. Yeah. I have to go to bed bath and beyond again. It's so true. My sheets are yellow. It's either the funniest guy ever or it's just like not at all. Well, it's because as a really fat kid, you learn how to be funny to get along and defend yourself. Or you just like take it and bullet sponge and become harder and harder while you're getting softer and softer.

And then like, you know, you have to go to college and interact with people and you're like, I'm not fat. You have like a breathing device. It's like, yeah, fat people take it back, bro. What's the idea? What's the- I'm dealing with a fat like problem too. I'm having identity crisis because I still feel like I need to. be there for my fat brethren, but also like kind of show them like a path towards because like

I had a lot of identity involved in being a fat guy. Yeah. It's like not just the fact that like I was fat, it was like, well now I'm a fat funny guy who has like a little bit of a public life. So I lose this weight. Like what clown am I? It's a comedy meck suit. Right. And then you're 36 saying what clown am I? And you're like, fuck, this is all gone. Like I'm so beyond anything that makes sense. I'm just going to like try and lose some weight so I can, you know, see my niece graduate or whatever. Yeah. No, I think you're rocking it. I think you're, I get it though. That would, yeah, if I was, I can't turn my back on them. No. The fats. No, you can't. Those are my guys. Yeah, you can't. And I'm still with them. And I get on stage and talk about weight loss and like, I see him out there and I want them to

know, like, I'm not talking to you, big fat guy. Yeah, no, that makes sense though. You never want to turn your back on the fats. I would never turn my back on the fats. I like, I do like teasing the fats. Of course. And they like getting teased. Yeah. True. Yeah. But yeah, no, that's, that's very important. You know, what was your idea for the young men that are. Oh, so dude, I was talking to, I drove here from Houston yesterday. And like when I drive alone, that's the only time I like actually think. Like I disassociate like you most of the time. But I'm in a car by myself.

I put on this American life until I can't hear it anymore. Yeah. And then I'm just like alone with my thoughts. Do you talk to yourself? Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. But it's always like someone else is talking.

And I'm like, who said that? I'm so down in the rabbit hole in my own ass. But dude, so we have all these like young dudes out there, right? who like have pretty much like been told like hey fellas you ran the world it's broken we're taking you off the shelf yeah it's great you know let someone else have the ball they'll fuck it up we'll be back probably yeah you know because ultimately like there's a lot of like when you knock everything off the shelf which is created by capitalism of course that's the shelf uh you have all these shards and right now it's like mostly like straight white guys who were in shards yeah and like society at large is like hey good be shards

for a while so there's this like shuddenfreude of like hey actually like shut up and listen so like just be worms for a while so while they're down there they're eating dirt and they're metastasizing you know and they're like spreading this disease and it's like i really think that someone has to give a shit about these guys who have been told that like they're the reason the world is fucked because like you know dudes sean's age like they were told like go to college get a job you'll own a house yeah the american dream is yours that's completely ripped in shreds there's no american dream anymore so you have all these dudes that like just go deeper deeper online and get meaner and meaner and like, you know, more galvanized and it's the echo

chamber. And I'm thinking if we could get some of these dudes together at some kind of like, I've been saying white guy conference, you know, which is bad. Okay, we're going to go on your white guys together in Oklahoma City and get it together. But I think if we could like throw some kind of like actual face-to-face event where we go in with people not like, do we have it figured out, but like you're admirable. You've done a lot of looking inward. You have a psychology degree, you care about people. Social work. Social work. Excuse me. I get, I get you were saying. And it's like, last line on stage, you said, you were like, you know, I'm worried about everyone all the time. I have a huge heart. I have the same thing where it's like, I want to be the sin eater for all these kids who are

sad. So it's like, if we can get them together and just like have radical honesty and talk about the things and have like Joe List do a symposium on like sobriety or like Rainy on like not being a like all these dudes that like kind of are trying to get better and just exhibit this behavior in a place without any phones or booze probably in the middle of the country. Yeah. I think we could actually like send these dudes back with some tools to not like shoot up the mall. Because we're just, if we can negate like one woman flinching when her husband walks into the room. True. We've done our job. That's true. A supposium would be nice. I would like a nice symposium. Dude, you go. You have your thing. You don't have to be funny. You're going to be funny because you can't help it. But like you

got your fucking presentation. You get up there for an. hour. And then afterward, we can talk to these dudes. We can have little like break off groups where it's like if you want to work on stuff specifically, like we could moderate those. And I don't have any kind of like background on this, but I do care. And I want to help because like I've been doing stand up for 20 years and it's like not boring, but like what's the next juice? Like how can I actually be of service? Because I have a platform. I see the kids at the merch line. I see the hope in their eyes. But nothing curdles or it becomes more corrosive than dead hope. Yeah. The dead ambition.

And we got to get in there and the scars of them and the wounds and, like, clear out all that dead debris so, like, they can heal, bro. We got to be gardens they can grow in. That'd be sick. Because right now we just, like, provide them some shit that's escapism. That's great. That's not service. This is not altruistic.

We're benefiting off of this. I'm trying to sell my tickets. Yeah. You know, Sean needs new tires. So it's like, I'm not trying to pretend that what I do when I go on stage is emancipating them from their actual problems. But, like, I would like to, like, try and help more. Yeah, that'd be sick.

The only way I think I can do is to be like, be able to fucking touch them, you know, tell them like, hey, man, it's not your fault. Like, sorry your dad was mean, you know, or like, be like, it is your fault. And let's fucking fix it. I'm just thinking how we can monetize this. Well, you know, $5,000 ahead. All right. Yeah.

We cap it in a thousand. Dude, I would love to do a symposium. That'd be really nice. Here's the problem. The things like this that exist. Yeah. That gets self-promotional look so fucking brutal. We can call it the menosphere.

I want to call it. I want to call it returning to the odium. Turn of the odium. You know the odium? No. The odium was like the Roman idea of work was looked down upon. Like we're in this whole like thing of like hustle, grind, like work 20 hours a day. Like that's what a man does.

They look down on that. Like what a man's ultimate pursuit was was like to try and like better himself, learn, create art. Like luxuriate, reflect. Not luxury, but like have time to reflect. Dude, you're talking to this is a return to Aristotle. This is what McIntyre is talking. about. I'm saying return to odium. That's what we're trying to build that's fucking tight. And it's just like if we can give them the tools to not be mean to their boss at work who is a dickhead

or at least try and like take a breath before you fucking pop off at that next meeting. Yeah. You know, before you fucking spike the can of liquid death. Because you killed for an hour except for one second. Yeah. I fucking flubbed the last line on my closer last night and I was walking off stage and had my liquid death and I was for real about to just fucking hurl it down the steps. And there's like a camera right there and I'm like, bro, I can't be on camera. Be like, ah. Spazing. So I squeezed it.

Yeah. I squeezed it. Just absolute spas. He comes in the green room and he was like, I fucked up the last line. I was like, yeah, make sure you focus on that instead of the other 99.9%. That's also what I would do, which is true. I would for sure get off. And like, I wouldn't, I couldn't even go in the green room.

I'd be in the stairwell like, well, I do like to get back to the green room as fast as possible. Just because I love it. Dude, you're like, damn, you're already back. And I'm like, yeah, dude, I move pretty fucking quick. I had multiple fish to fry. But I'm still stewed. So you want people to think you're a rath? You're like nightcrawler?

Vampire speed. You want a vampire show? And they're like, that's what I want. Like, damn, do you have vampire speed? I'm so funny to get offstage and be like, just run to the green room to like impress,

you know, Kurt Metzker with how quick you are. That's all I had left. I was like, I flubbed the clothes and I got to be fast. It was the second to last word you said, too, that you fucked up. I know.

Oh, man. I was telling him, I was out there watching him last night, getting real stone with Butterley up on the balcony. And like, I was watching and I was like, dude, that's my friend. And like all these people are here to see him and he's really good at his job. And I'm up here and like the coolest comedy club and I can smoke weed in here. Like life is so cool. Yeah, yeah.

Just like a moment when you like connect with what's actually happening instead of like the facade of it. So anyway, dude, that's my big pitch is I want to like try and help. That'd be nice. It's really nice. I worry that people. won't appreciate it though. I worry they're stuck in their ways.

Well, and that's fine, but I do think the people who would actually take the trip to Oklahoma City and we're not going to have it to be 10,000 people. It's going to kind of be like skank fest for guys who like to do crafts, you know? That'd be nice. That'd be gay skanks. Gay skanks, yeah.

And we'll have a class on, you know, killing the voice in your head to call stuff gay. That'll be a class. I want to do one on ambition and it's just every slide says you will die one day and just be like, So that's why I do stuff because I know this is going to happen. And you might be thinking, well, I'll put it off.

And it's like, well, tomorrow this could happen to you. And it will happen in the blink of an eye. Yeah. You will die. Because it's like so easy to like actually use your time. Yeah. If you could just be shown like how much time you wasted on your phone on your deathbed. Or my new thing is it before like St. Peter like greets you.

He's like, you want more life. Let's see how you used yours. And then it's like literally seven years of like you scrolling. Actually real time seven years. Oh easily. man. I mean, I've gotten down to three hours a day. And that's like, that was like major. That's huge. Yeah. So Rockins, I think like six at least is like the baseline. Do you wake up and look at your phone immediately? Dude, that's like the big one I'm fighting right now. I do. Yeah. Just cortisol right away. The world's mad at you.

Yeah. 40 emails you have to do. And I'm mad at them too. Yeah. Yeah. I'll check the weather every now and again. But I typically don't get up and do phone right away. Well, you also have like kids. So you have like priorities and shit. I wake up and I'm like, at the hotel ticket counts aren't good in Phoenix dude that's story of my life but I hate it yeah if I'm in the hotel by myself that's when the phone rules

I'll like wake up and just be like dude if I'm in a hotel bro hit city skylines until I got to go to the show on that laptop putting in residential zones and watching it grow bro hey everyone come see me live

helium April 8th in Atlanta come see me at Witsend Comedy Lounge North Charleston I'll be at mic drop in Detroit the comedy nests in Montreal, Ottawa, Baton Rouge, Lafayette, New Orleans, Buffalo, both Zanis, Madison, Dr. Grins.

Get those tickets from Punch Up Live. And if you wouldn't mind buying my, pre-ordering my book, my next novel's out September 22nd from Random House, but I would like to get to 10,000 pre-sales so I can be a bestseller and beat Mr. Beast and James Patterson. That's what I'm talking about. It's a sick book, violent book of erotic revenge, gay hitman in Paris doing one last job. Bro. Last 30 pages are just a violent onslaught.

Asmigoria. I'm really stoked on it. It's pretty. That's awesome, man. Yeah, I mean, definitely, definitely go see Sam Live. That last night was so fucking funny. So, definitely go do that. And the book, the first book was awesome. I'm excited. I'm excited to read this. I'm excited to you, bro. I'm so stoked on this thing. And it's been my entire life for like a year. Selling it over it. Let's go. Yeah. Sean, what you got, ma'am? I'll be in Springfield, Missouri, Tulsa, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, City and Cincinnati, Ohio and may please come see those shows if you can, and Optimum Noctus at the Creek

in the Cave, the first and third Tuesday of every month. Hell yeah. Hell yeah, man. Thank you very much. Sean Gardini.com. Well, guys, I'll be April 10th. I'll be at the Fitzgerald Theater, St. Paul, Minnesota, and then I'll be at Des Moines, Iowa on 411 the next day. And then here's the big ones, man. 417

cursed Phoenix, Arizona. I'll be at the Celebrity Theater. It's in the round. That's the one Mitch Hedberg laid down on. What? He would lay down. and they would just threw pills at him on stage and he would be circling and he would like see a pill and just eat it what yeah him stano told me this story that's like legendary spot dude yeah well i think it slowly spins dude does it i thought so yeah i'm worried i won't complete the circle i need to get the sale so i don't do it in the 270 i'm worried i won't get the full round going i'm do it in the you brutal so guys please come to the celebrity theater i'll literally i'm gonna hire seat fillers if you guys don't come i'm gonna buy all the seats so no one's there just leave a big block of no seats Celebrity Theater 417. That's going to be fun.

And I also am a I love the round. Yeah. I'm a pig for the round. Actually, I've really come alive in the round. Guys, after that 418, I'll be in Tucson,

Arizona. And then 515, I'll be in Toronto. That'll be fun. It's two shows and I believe they're going to be sold out. So there might be a little bit of tickets on that last show.

I hate comedy town. Yeah, I'm excited for Toronto. They've been showing me a lot of love unlike fucking bitch ass Phoenix, Arizona. Guys, and then finally, the Rivier Theater in Chicago,

Illinois. That's going to be very fun. and I love Chicago, so come to that. When are you there? May 16th. I'll be there. What? I'll be in town.

I'm at Zanis that weekend. What? I'll try and pop over. Oh, please do it. Wait, wait. You're there the same way. Damn it. Go see Matt, everyone.

No, Zahney. Go see Matt. Please, that'll be awesome. Let's hang out. Yeah, I think McCann's going to be around too. What? I think McCann's there the 15th or something. Dude, that'll be awesome.

Yeah, that'd be cool. Guys, Chicago, it's just, there's a comedy storm coming in to Chicago. It's not just your babe. it's the best thing from that city. It's also the people who buy comedy tickets. That's true. That's right. There's a funny front moving in, dude.

The windstream broke. There's nothing but giggles all across the Midwest. I'll be in Tulsa. Okay. Let's get back to the show. Yeah. I was brainstorming a show idea. I had a couple different ones,

but one of them was just an absolute, like a crowdwork, Blue Man group where just like five people just take the stage and it's just the whole time. It's like, you know, like the crowdwork guys, they have like headset. Oh, yeah. But there's five people at once.

Christopher Titus. Yeah. But it's five people at once just going nuts. And then it evolved. Doing crowd work all at once and you can hear every one of them speak. Yeah. Simultaneously. Yeah.

But then it was like, you know what? No. Not even that. What I want to do is do a live exercise class where it's comedians with headsets and you just scream at people exercising like a drill instructor. I did that yoga. Yeah. I did.

They brought me in one time in Denver to do like a sip and yoga thing. And they brought me in as like the fake yoga host. What? And I was like, that's a funny idea. That's a great idea. And it pays $40. Sure. Who cares?

So I did it, dude, but I didn't know anything about yoga. So people were just getting mad. Like, people like, this is their whole thing. It's like, they look forward to yoga all day at work. And then there's a fat guy out there wearing short shorts and a headband being like, what doesn't everyone do a upward dog? We're always doing downward dog. And people are like, what are you doing?

And they didn't know it was a prank. Because I thought I was a fat guy ruining their one thing. That's a great idea. Yeah. But I think if you told people that it was an exercise class hosted by comedians, that'd be good. I would, I want to do a yoga class where I slowly, you know, you started, because like a lot of the real kind of like OG yoga instructors will start, like hitting you with passages from like, you know, like ancient, like the Bhagavagata, Guido, whatever.

That'd be nice to like start that way, then slowly slide into like militant is like, like a big militant Islam. Yeah, try to sneak it in. Yeah, just sneak it in slowly built. Or like at the very end, during like the Shavasana when they all lay there, just be like, and Pakistan will rise again. Yeah. Death to the, yeah.

Yeah, that'd be kind of sick. Indians are dogs. Yeah, that'd be good. Or you transition from that into like just Pantara lyrics at the end. He just like read stanzas from Pantara. People are reflecting. It'd be nice to go into like heavy like black magic Satanism. Oh yeah.

Towards the very end. Lights go low and low. You're completely nude at the end. Yeah. In anything, no matter what, you have to crush your opponents. Yeah, it means necessary. Their blood is your reward. Blood for the blood god.

You are the blood god. Get the marrow from the bone. Yeah, that'd be great. That'd be nice. Uh-huh. I mean... But I agree. I think it would be nice, man.

That's kind of the... That was kind of one of the main things where it's like, yeah, you got to figure out something to do where it's like... Well, you're basically, you are a social being, you know, more or less. You have to figure out a way to like... It's how we survive. It's our evolution. Exactly. Yeah.

So, yeah, I think that would be nice to do a nice little symposium. And like, it would probably be a nightmare. And of course, as soon as I have to send two emails to find the hotel conference room, it'll be over for me. But I quit. We need to find a woman to plan this men's only retreat. Yeah. I got. one. Yeah, we have Tai Babes. You can stick the Tai Babes on it. Because if I tell my wife,

she'll say, oh, yeah, we should be helping white guys more. It's like, it's not just white guys. They're the ones who need the help. Well, here's the thing. You can, you can title it, symposium for white guys and probably a lot of Mexican guys. Right. Yeah. Black guys are welcome. That'd be a pleasant surprise. We'd love a black guy. That would be really cool. We're going to have a black speaker. Asterisk. Yeah. Gay guys. Butterlee was like, what about gay guys? And I was like, oh, yeah. Let's get some gay guys in there. They got their own problems. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it's not like, I don't know, dude, I just feel like when you can't figure out your own shit,

it's a lot easier to like either go inward or you can like help other people. So like I feel like when you're at this depression, it's like just like ruined state that a lot of people are in. Exhausted, no dignity. Everyone's mad at them. It's like teach them how to help other people. And I think we can just like plant these little seeds that like go back to like fucking Bristol, Tennessee. And you know, next thing you know, there's four nice diet dudes in Bristol, Tennessee. It's like we're going to fix everything, dude.

But like if people actually want to do the work, I think we could bring them together. I think so. I think people, yeah, I think that'd be actually a, it would be a nice thing. Either way, it would be a very fun event. If you got to go to a sort of symposium and it was a bunch of people, a bunch of comedians and stuff. And it's not like scholars. No. It's not people who are going to bore you or like impress you with their bona fides.

It's just like me up there. Dude. Like, hey guys, I'm not that great. But like, I've done some stuff. And here's how I've achieved it. And it's just like picture of my mom in her casket. You know? So I remember this.

And then I put my phone away and I work on my book because I'll be in there and I'll be in there so soon and you'll all be in there so soon. Yeah. We don't even exist. If you look at time, we're an anomaly. True. We were never here. Dude, that's a, that'd be cool. I think that'd be a lot of fun.

Getting to do like a 45 minute PowerPoint on just like, I'm going to try to boil down anything that I think is like a use that's been useful to me and putting it. That'd be so fun. And it'd have to be headset. My only condition is headset mics. Unbuttoned all the way. I'm right here bro. I'm up there like this. Naked. New. We all have to be nude at this thing. Yeah. Radical honesty means being nude. Yeah, like psych and all like you know was was in this vein. That was my I was trying to figure out how you take the A-A-NA model right instead of like you don't need to be like smoking crystal math. It's just for everybody

because apparently it works for a lot of people. I think I think it works maybe if you can apply that kind of shit to people who don't have substance issues. Yeah. Like I think it might help even more. I think that was I was always trying to do that but it is difficult it's like kind of hard to wrangle everybody symposium could be the move though also it is gay like that's the issue it is like trying to help people and say like hey I want to be like the sin eater for the world is like ultimately a very embarrassing cringe thing but like we need to return to sincerity we need to embrace earnestness we've made a living with irony and like you know not taking anything seriously and now I just think that I really want to like tap into some I don't know searching truth that kind of thing It's so bizarre because that's all we have is beauty.

That's the whole point of that book I'm reading. It's literally, it's more or less that's like one of the major points is, you know, it's a weird, you know, one of those things that just kind of sinks up. Yeah. That's crazy. You're very smart and admirable and I would love to have you involved in this project. I would love it. I'd be awesome.

Sick. I'm pretty dumb now. Sean, you're not allowed. Yeah. You're the enemy of progress. I have nothing to offer. You'd be in there wasted. That's what I've been thinking about this whole time is that I have, I don't think I have anything

to offer these people. You could be like a youth pastor. Yeah. Yeah. You just take like 16-year-olds. Do rock and roll. Oh, I don't know, guys. You should probably learn like editing software that could be useful.

Yeah. It'd be really funny to like build up for like three days of like progress, like men crying, breakthroughs and then have Sean be like the keynote speaker on the last day and just ruin everything. That that is that that's the thing. That's the that is the how to it's like the tough thing because the it's such a nice thing. And it like I if you're being genuine, you're like, yeah, that. is like that's good then you just see someone film it and put it out you're like that sucks and i do i think it's like no cameras no booze yeah no i don't think you can have booze at this thing i think we'll

have shuttles it'll drive you to whatever airport hotel bars nearby like we'll make it easy for you to have a fun time with your new friends yeah but like we can't be there fucking addled on our phones obviously people will be stoned yeah me included yeah that's fine you know we're gonna hang out with you and butterly for three days yeah i actually did want to ask you so you have your last whenever i talk to you have the weed really dialed in trying bro yeah how so what we're What like progress have you made with that in terms of finding like specific types of weed that agree with you and all this stuff? So I thought LiveRosin was like the key, but it's actually the turp profile. Do you know about terps?

Like all the shit that makes it smell that way. So like you have all these different terps and based on the weeds that I like and the weeds that I don't like, like I can't smoke headband and, you know, or I can't smoke lemon hayes. Then you find out like limelene is an active turp in there. And then the stuff I do like has like mercine and linole. So now I'm like looking back through like all these strains and like following the genetian. all the way back to find out like what the mother plants are. And it turns out that like cookies, runts, like all these sweet things work for me. But like mangoes don't work because they have too much lysine or whatever it is.

So it's just kind of being aware of what strains work for you and then like trying to like actually get to like the turp profiles of that. And that's to avoid like a bug out basically. Total bug out. Yeah. Like I can't have like Durban poison. Yeah. But every third time I smoked open poison, I'm like under the couch like a dog and a thunderstorm.

Freaking out. Yeah. Like freaking out. calling my wife at work, like I'm having a heart attack. She's like, did you hit the puff co? I'm like, that has nothing to do with this. It's one in the afternoon. Who would be high on live rosin right now? I woke up an hour ago. There's no way. I'm high. That's blueberry. Blueberry anything is like good for me. If I have the blueberry, yeah. I'm good. If I had, there's certain ones I have where I'm like, I'm schizophrenic now for like 30 minutes. Because

like I'm like you where it's like I understand that like weed is a drug. Yeah. But like I still want it to be a part of my life because I'm not on like SSRIs or anything. Exactly. Because like all these people who are like you need to be high. It's like, no, but like I'm taking a thing that makes me able to engage with reality a little bit easier. Yeah. Well, I just, I like, I'll like take weed out of the next because, you know, I'll like bug out or I'll be like, I don't even need it. And then I put it back in and I'm like, yeah, I kind of need this in my system a little bit

all the time. And that could be like 2.5 milligrams of edible, bro. Yeah. Like I'm like, I don't know. I thought you had to smoke the whole eighth and 24 hours for most of my life. Or it's like if you get a thousand milligram bar, it's like, well, I'll eat this and just deal with it. Just plug out.

Yeah. I'll just be on drugs. Yeah. I think it's weed. I've run the experiment. And it's like if I, if I like go off of weed entirely, like I can do it.

It's really not hard. It's just like I get like very, I feel like serious. Yeah, yeah. It's like a weird feeling. I get like very just kind of like, I'm a man.

Yeah. I don't know what it is. Yeah. No, I get it too, bro. It's weird. Hard edged. Yeah.

You know and like not as not as eager to be like giddy. Yeah. I don't know. Like all the pod, like the bad stuff about weed. Like I get it. But I think. I think I just like need to be able to have it in my life.

Yeah. Or else life isn't as much. I don't know. No, I need to be. I need to have a little weed because I don't know. Otherwise I just get like, I just get very serious. And I have like, I think genetically I have like salesman brain. So if I don't, if I don't smoke weed, salesman brain takes over and I just, I just become like a, I don't know, something in my head where I'm just like, I should do this.

I should do this. Right. Right. And I genetically have hobo brain. So when I'm not smoking weed, I just get like. lost in these flights of fancy where I'm like, why don't we move to Peru? Like, why are we, we're all scared of like shit happening here. We go to Peru. Our money will go longer. And my wife's like, are you stone? And I'm like, actually no. Yeah. This is me thinking clearhead.

I think the move is relocating you, your sister, your mom, your grandma is our niece to Peru. I think that'd be best for us. The Andes Mountains. Dude, it'd be so great to like be able to live lives in so many different places. Yeah, you're a big traveler. Well, it's just like, I know how limited the time here is. It's like I want to sample the delicacies of this thing called life bro. And it's like and that's the issue of like being me is like every every most of my thoughts are very gay. All the stuff that I love like I'm stoked to go home and like plant my flowers and like do my day lilies going. Don't get me start on gardening. That's my that's my big one right now. Yeah. It is. I've seen you post your your stuff's great. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. I got to get

started again. Fired up. PEP is going. Because I think it's the last year we can grow stuff. Why that? Because like the anomaly is happening in weather. It's like they're like the jet stream is breaking. So now weather's just going to like break out of whatever tube it's kept in and like, you know, make it like 30 degrees in July or whatever. You think that's what happens to? I don't know. That's what the science, you know.

Fuck. I'd be so pissed at my shit frost right now in the summer. That's because like they used to say, you know, you could plant like April 1st or whatever. And now they're like, well, if you can get it going whenever, like you might have to beat a late frost. But so it's just, yeah, that's where my garden's up. Wait, what's your garden set up right now? Nothing right now because I haven't put it in yet. But like, I planted a bunch of trees last year, first year. So we got the trees. And then this year it's like raised beds. And yeah, I want to have a cutting garden and then some like food and herbs. But mostly I want to just grow beautiful

flowers and like sit back there in my very expensive chairs I bought from France. Again, dude. I mean, this body was wasted on me. I should not have been born like a huge straight guy. I should be like a very gay like Haitian dude. Just like wearing like a head wrap. Remember like the vampire, like the gay vampire from that was Anna Paquins vampire show on HBO back in the day? True blood. Yeah. Remember the gay guy? That should have been me.

Who was the gay guy? He was like the bartender. Oh, okay. Black guy. Like very like Caribbean. Wow. Yeah. That was like the gayest guy.

For sure. That guy was, you know what I'm talking about? No. Gay black guy. He almost, he would borderline cross dress almost. Oh, it was like he was like if your dad like didn't. impression of a gay guy in blackface. That's who this guy was.

He had beautiful eyes. Oh, he was great. Yeah, he had beautiful eyes. Yeah, yeah. He had beautiful, very effeminate eyes. And like, that's another thing. It's like, androgyny's attractive. Like, all this stuff that I have.

It's like, I cannot wait to go to the botanical gardens in Atlanta on Wednesday. Dude, I will say there's something really nice about growing flowers. I've been growing like rose bushes. Dude. And it's driving you nuts? Oh, my, it's the best. I love it. When they know when they, when they blossom, I like, I really, I come down.

I come down every morning. I check out my garden. Any new shoot or bud, I see it. And I go, dude, this is fucking awesome. Anytime I see a new little thing, I'm like, oh, fuck. I did that. Me and nature. Yeah.

Co-labbed. Yeah, man. On this single cherry blossom bud. Especially when you get into, like, creating like a real soil ecosystem where you're like, I'm trying to really do like, I don't know if it's Korean farming, but it's just like using like, you know, mulch fertilizer. Like, it takes like years to get it established. And I see little bugs in my soil.

I'm like, I did it. Dude, lady bugs. Lady Buzz. We had pollinators last year because of the wildflowers. My wife was like, we have bees. This is terrible. And I was like, we have bees. This is what we need.

If we want the rest of this, we need these guys. Yeah. And she's like, chill. My wife's always coming home, like, exhausted from being a doctor. And I'm like, hey, check this out. And I like take her out back to show her a new bud on the like Papa tree. And she's like, can I change out of my scrubs? And I'm like, no, quick.

All the port. She comes home to a little boy who then wants to try to have sex with her later. every day i've been i've been uh i've been game planning this idea for like you know because if you have like a small backyard and you're limited but you want to try to live off your land i want to try to push the idea of people having uh i guess like single house but also like very efficient factory farming where like you could have like a like a cow and like a lightless box in your backyard it's like a genetically like a clear you could like see its internal organs just like a box of headless chickens i want to take far

I'm gonna take factory farming and democratize it to where like we could all have just a bunch of like weird like KFC genetic. It's like the island of Dr. McCusker. Yeah. It was just making me laugh and pitching that to people of just having like a lightless box where you have like a star veal cath they're like fattening with like grease. Yeah. Just like friar grease. Just a tube into its mouth. Instead of like a big factory with a thousand of like eyeless chickens you have like five in your backyard.

Right. Yeah. Just cloning them back there. them into a pulp and eat them for your family. Oh, dude, the SWAT team would come to your house. There's like, there's a man creating abominations next door. I wouldn't be able to raise like McDonald's chicken nugget chickens. You know, I would like cut their vocal cords.

They can't even make any of it. And their eggs are as big as your fist. Yeah. And they're just back there like saying like, kill me and chicken. And you're like, we're happy they are. That one's dancing. It's just covered in mites. Just covered in the room shit.

Dude, I would love to have some kind of like freaky animal menagerie in the backyard. Do you occasionally eat? It's all science. It's all science. Right, yeah, you're on the cutting edge. Everyone will be doing this in 10 years. Saying that shit all the time. It's like lab grown meat.

Yeah, yeah. That's all I'm talking about. I think that's not crazy. I would love to have eggs. Eggs be nice. Eggs would be tight, dude. Everyone's thinking like how can I go full natural? It's like, well, imagine if you can just go like full synthetic.

Pop them with hormones, just like all the, I put all the hormones and the cows. Or just like have an impossible meat machine, you know? You're like throwing coal in. Like nitrates? I would just have a cow just like suspended. I'd have like an oxygen tank just suspended in water and I would just fatten it up slowly. Yeah. Let it just get bigger.

Hey man. I know what you're talking about. I'm right there. You want like a big like fucking like gelatinous cube. There's a bunch of tubes going into a cow and it's just like floating in there. Like the Wolverine tank. Yes, exactly. Yeah.

It's professor. It's your weapon X with cows. Yeah. Yeah. I would slay it once a year and I would have its clone take its place. Oh for sure. Be awesome. And you could do that.

Like not you for sure, but like someone could do that and implement that in the backyard We're growing cows from sea. It would be so fun to go to like an organic farming symposium and just present that idea And burger machine Yeah Half of them just walk out and disgust You just so you plant these and it grows hot dogs Everyone everyone does do this at the symposium we're throwing That'd be nice

You could have like a machine with like you could like selectively breed Siamese twin like pigs and then like you just keep kind of like somehow figuring out a clone a like a twin to grow out of another one, you kill the other one, you have two younger and just continue. Like a hydra, but with pork. But they're probably getting a new. Muslims hate this one trip. That would be the problem. You'd have to figure out how can you like have a new kind of embryo grow out of the Siamese twins?

That would be the only problem. Just keep it going. Yeah, everything else is pretty hard science. It's come out. You're like, look, it's growing another eyeball out of its size. You're like, oh, nice, it's working. Your daughters are sitting there horrified. As you're just slowly going crazy and saving your yearn and toenails.

You feed them to the pig. It helps it grow. It would be a lot better than having like real pigs in your backyard. Yeah. Pigs are always biting you. You got to whip them with sticks. Dude, I want a pig so bad, dude. I want to keep your daughter's fingers away from that pig's dog. I know.

Oh, bite. We had a pig in our backyard that was like super horny and it would hump. It had like a Swedish exercise ball and it would it would hump it and jizz on the ball. It's like H- Foley in that story he told. But yeah, no, I recently read Lonesome Dove. Oh, my God. Dude, I'm so sold on having, like, a nice chote. Because they call pigs' chouts.

I'm like, I want one so bad. Sit on my porch and just sit there and look at my shoots eating like snakes and shit. Dude. And, dude, you can do a thing where I don't know if this is like actually a viable idea, but you can rent goats to go clear land for people. Yeah. I would love to have just like five goats that I could just rent out to people and let them just munch all the poison ivy.

shit on their land. Yeah, eat the kudzu. Yeah, they'll eat everything. You would like to be a shepherd. I think I did. I've said it before. I would love to be a shepherd. That's honestly my ideal job. I honestly think they're like maybe genetically like you're talking about like how you're a salesman brain. Like I think that there's something in me that needs to be just like don't have an address. I was telling you on the way over it's like you were saying you know Australia you like had a weird time. Yeah. I'm like yeah if I'm home for seven days I kind of wig out. Yeah. Like I can't like be still and I think that there's some kind of like nomadic like just calling in my blood, bro, and it's not good for modern life. Shepard, you'd be nice. Shepard's great,

dude. You just like dress like an imam. You have a big crook. You're eating weird pies. A woman hands you every now and then. You got to say a word for days. You got the wolf off. The wolf, yeah, or you have a cool dog. True. You have a good dog. What I've heard, I was, I was at a kid's birthday party recently and they had like the petting, like the ponies and horses. You can ride. Where you do it stand up? No, no. I was attending. I was having fun just attending. And the guy, and again, I just read Lonesome Dove. So I'm like just so horny for like cowboy knowledge of like, like, yeah, animals.

You're calling stuff Kaliche. This guy, he's sitting there and we're, you know, I'm starting. I'm talking mules with this guy who's like from the horse farm. Yeah, I'm just like, just really happy to be there with like a native Texan. And he was like, well, you know, you get rid of wolves, right? And I was like, no, how? Just like, please. I would have sucked this guy's dick to him.

And he was like, again, a couple good donkeys. They'll trample that. You wolf underneath the donkey's hooves. I had to just be like, what do they do? He's like, they'll fucking trample a wolf right to death. And I was like, fuck, I'm so happy. I know that. Yeah, dude.

But he was just like, yeah, you get a donkey, man. Could you think you were saying fucking a donkey stopping on you? I was like, absolutely not. No, sir. I would. No, sir, I would die immediately. Yeah, yeah. Just like knowing that, I'm like, that's so cool.

You know that donkeys will stop on a wolf and you can just like, rest assured be like, well, I got my don't. So I want to fact check that. But it's also I almost don't want to. You're going to see a lot of upsetting videos on either. side. Yeah, true. Either a donkey getting munched or a wolf getting pummel.

But he's like, yeah, you get two good don't have to deal with wolves. And I was like, fuck, that's so sick. You know that. Yeah. Well, mules are fucking, I think mules are also like capable. I think donkeys and mules were like sacrificial. And like you kept the oxes safe probably. What do you mean?

Well, it's like if you're like thinking about like the, the farm animals or like the agricultural like pack animals. Dispensible. Yeah. I think mules and I think mules most dispensable and then donkey and then like, horse and then like ox maybe yeah i don't know that is a mule is a crossbune a horse and a donkey right but he can't breed can't breed yeah my grandma's people raise mules in new mexico and like they all had like mule skin shoes and shit and like ate mule stew yeah fuck yeah that's awesome i try to talk about it on

stage people think i'm lying so my grandma's from a place called wagon mound and i say those are my people mule ghouls from mount town and people are like you just wanted to say that so it's all lies you can say that dumb phrase they think you're stealing mule trader value $100% yeah that's fucking bullshit right now that'll piss me off hey man it's just another day in the life of Latino I come from cow poe yeah do you really and my grandma my grandpa met at a rodeo they used to ride horses yeah in the show my grandpa was a cowboy you remember my grandma who worked at the ranch Robert and Roberta Bobby and Bobby Jean wow god damn it I know I know cowboy fucking shit in my blood at all it sucks yeah but you guys have probably some like maritime knowledge like you guys are probably at sea my dad is

with boat knots. Yeah. I got none of that. Very nasty with them, actually. I'd meet your dad, much like you met that, like, donkey stomping wolf guy. And I'd be like, tell me more, sir. I'm being dipping myself. He would talk, you could talk boat knots for hours.

Yeah. It's actually, I'm pretty jealous of his knot abilities. Uh-huh. When a man knows the exact knot, I'm like, fuck, I didn't learn anything my entire life. Dude, he's nice with that. And also, like, trees is like tree identification. Like, that's a silver birch. That's the, it's like, dude, how do you fucking know all the shit?

I said recently my wife, I want to see a tree and be able to tell you what kind it is. Yeah. And she was like, please go to bed. He was hitting her with this gay barrage constantly. Meanwhile, she's like a dude effectively. I've been doing that with like ducks because we have a pond near my house. Yeah. It's like in like the neighborhood they have it. They call it a lake. It's just a giant pond, but they have all these different ducks. And I've like took in pictures of all of them to like use my phone and identify them and I just like memorize it as hard as I can. So like, and I'm just always waiting to like flex duck knowledge. Yeah. And the other day we were

up there we're up there and one of my wife's friends were like you know those one ducks look crazy i'm like that's a moscow he's praying an egyptian goose would walk into the scenes she's like take me now matthew i was flexing on john we're the japanese garden in houston yeah oh yeah i was like that's a he's like those ducks are crazy i was like egyptian goose those things are my favorite they are really pretty how was that garden it's awesome it's so fucking sick actually i didn't go yesterday yeah it's next time i we walked around it's very really cool yeah just getting it's just like they have huge like chunks of natural granite just like big boulders everywhere the water running down them coy ponds i'm like fuck that park was awesome you ever busted those ducks like doing it you ever

seen ducks mate no they have that classic corkscrew penis really i always heard that was pigs with the pigs have a weird that's the tail that's the tail that's the curly curly tail a chow chowd those things are what's the pig dick look like uh i thought it was corkscrew it's like it's like i don't think it's completely corkscrew but i think it does like it has hook Can we, can we get that up? Wait, they just have Brose? Yeah, very bad.

Yeah, I'm going to see you to pig dick and then a duck dick, if you don't mind. And I think duck vaginas evolved to be quirk screws because ducks rape female ducks all the time. Oh, right? This is like rave knowledge. You know about this.

Yeah, that's. Party safe, right? That's the pig dick. Oh, so it's got a hook on it. Yeah, check that out. That's okay. All right, there we go. Oh, wait, is this sunscreen?

You can see, you can show pig dicks on screen? Yeah, you can totally do that. Sean's, it's like looking at a mirror, isn't everybody? Is that, oh, that's, that's a pig's butthole

for no reason. All right, I'm back. You see that? He's lifting the pig's tail. That's a pig butthole right there. This looks like my ass. Let's see a duck dick. So yeah, the pig has just a little,

whoa, get over there. That's a duck's dick. Yeah, because I think it was like, I think it was reciprocal evolution because the female duck's like, constantly getting right. Oh, yeah, sorry.

Damn, the duck's dick is like, it's like a sine wave. It's kind of tight. Yeah, dude. Okay. It's like dig-dug when you have to shoot their things. Like the A-6 logo. Dang. And so that the duck pussy's like rifle.

Yes. Rifle action. Yeah. Because they wanted to prevent being, you know, forcibly impregnated. That's interesting. Is this your understanding? Yeah. Right?

Yeah. It's like anal. Yeah. I hated it. Okay. In nature, though, so you're saying ducks don't have a big courtship element because like some like, you know, residents. So it's just like. There's no maintenance.

No one's showing off the plumage. Dang, that's a shame. It's just like, hey, you come here often. Yeah. It's pretty much how dudes had sex until like 1975 or whatever. Hey, you want to be safe? Carry my baby. True.

Dang. Well, I didn't know that. And see, you need to have, you could, in your weird menager of your building, you could just have, like, the penises growing. That would be nice. Like in jars. You'd be like have the neighborhood kids go, you know? Duck penis. Duck penis?

Every now and again, I'd show them I. You have a necklace? Not so different, you and I. Now compare. Yeah. Your starts corking. Sean, you didn't tell me about your new projects. What?

Wow. What a, he's a dick kid. There's two guys competing to donate their penis. Wow. Once they die? Yeah. What? Are they like the biggest and the smallest?

Some people are doing it. Yeah. Before they die. What? A German guy for sure. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, for sure, German guy. Whoa, so some guys like just take it now.

He's like, take it now and eat the tip. What does he win? Yeah, his penis in the museum product. Dang. Until there's a flash flood. Yeah. His dicks washed away. God, that's so fun.

The curator's in there every night, take him out of the jar, and just sucking different animals. Brushing his teeth with one. There's two guys competing for the job. Yeah. Hey, guess what? I'm going to pull my name out of the hat. I don't need to be in the race for permanent penis.

To be the curator and be like, I've personally sucked every single one of these pieces. Pig penis is exquisite. Yeah, you have to try the duck. Imagine just sucking like a flies penis. That'd be a bummer. You're praying mantis penis. Oh, I'm intrigued.

the different sex that would be kind of cool it'd be it's so funny he probably approaches it too like a you know has like a cloth over his arm walks to the jar he's like he's offering you to smell the cork damn there's too that's it never like it always amazes me that there are two guys who are like no i want my penis in that jar wouldn't occur to me i'd like i'm gonna i'm gonna bury me with mine i don't want in a jar i don't need anyone to know walking to the penis museum be like yeah people posing with it water must be cold yeah water call. The pickling solution is chilly.

You have to brine the penises once a quarter. I don't want to be nasty, but you figure like... You should give me your penis. Yeah. You'll be lucky to have. I need mine for a while longer. Yeah. Going bowling.

Freaking, you figure there'd be extra penises laying around with gender reassignment surgeries and things like that, you know? True. Like, I figured it would be too hard to find one. Yeah. That is kind of a shame. We're just, yeah, we're going to cut a guys off. Although, don't they turn it inside out?

I feel like they keep most of the penis to create like a clitoral situation. Oh, my. Don't pull that up, please. We're typing. I think you're right. I don't think they, do they hack the whole thing off? I know Nate, because Nate talks about it on stage, but that was the balls. Keep the testes.

Yeah, you can keep your testes like their tonsils or whatever. I've said before castrating the penis, but keeping your balls would be the most powerful. Yeah. That's definitely test maxing for sure. Oh, you just come to the table? Yeah. Plop them. Just, well, you're just balls.

You have no release, but you're still producing all like the hormones and shit you need. Interesting. It's like a samurai situation. It really wouldn't be in complete control. You wouldn't be. Huh. You'd have no outlet. You just have to.

Or you do. And it's just like a hole that weeps every now and then. Druling hole. Yeah. Hey, baby. I see my drooling hole. Yeah, because your body would come. My wound's excited.

Belly butt. Honey, get me a diaper. I'm feeling you. Yoke. Oh, boy. Druling hole. But ain't enough about my wife. I love her. You're oozing hole. I want to call her. I'm like, hey, baby, can I get a taste of that oozing hole? You'd have to rely on my dreams. You'd have wet dreams like once a quarter. Rely on wet dreams. What a hell. That's your only release. Yeah. I don't think I've ever had a full wet dream.

brother I have I've had let me tell you I wish man I've had maybe one but I it's I wasn't like soiled moundies I had one on the top bunk one time what yeah my cousin was down below and I had to figure out how to say it's a rain yeah like hey your hole's weeping someone's balls are full yeah what I yeah yeah because you don't like you I feel like in a wet dream I I don't think you like fully bust in a wet dream I've never had the situation where I'm like enjoying having sex and then I climax. It's always like I'm about to have sex with someone and then I like nut and then there's like a shame in the dream and then you wake up and the shame is real. It's like when you get cut in a dream and your arm's bleeding you're like whoa what the fuck

cow it's real but instead of like you know seeing the bleeding arm pulling out the sword you're carrying and like cutting off the pirate's head yeah you just wake up and you're like oh god it's already cold I have to call sheath again I sleep nude too so Yeah, I had to stop when I had kids. I was a good sleeper. Now I can't, I can't sleep nude because I have kids. I bit about crawling into bed. Yeah, that's awesome.

It's a good hour, bro. Thank you, bro. I appreciate it. I was down. I was down. I wasn't too downcast, but I was. Sunday night scary. So you're done.

I was over it. Yeah, I was done. And I was just like, uh, fuck. Easter Sunday too. Yeah. Long day. Yeah. Easter weekend.

Easter's feeling less and less like a real holiday. Yeah, it's sort of a bummer. The bowling alley was crowded. And I was like, yeah, shouldn't we all? Is it like a Jewish thing? They didn't look Jewish. Like Chinese food on Christmas? Yeah, go bowling.

What were the Jews up to? There was only one Jew at the show last night. It was because it's a real hard loss for them. True. They need to think it over. I was killing me. They need to just sit this one out, Jews. Thought you had it.

The only is, I thought it was going to be just nothing but. Yeah. Just a victory lap. Yeah. Well, God damn, dude. I think we did it, man. What a joy. Thanks for having me, guys.

I didn't even give you the goddamn proper introduction. I think they do. You're the man. You are the absolute man. I was, it was a joy. I was telling my wife, I was like,

I was watching you. I actually was up there on the balcony. And I was, I was so, I just got like stuck watching you. And I was like, fuck, come on next.

I was like, thank God. I didn't just like miss it. Yeah. I'd have been like up there. I had to run all the way down. We're lucky that like the guys we get to hang out with are like, good at the thing.

You know? It's like really hard to like be friends with comics getting older. If they're like not good. Yeah. You know? Yeah. So it's like, it was fun to watch you up there with Butterlee and Mary Jo and be like, this guy's really good.

And like, I have his phone number. Like, that's cool. He's like one of the best guys. I was, I was going, this is sense.

I was watching you. I was going to do, that's a truly liberated man. Well, I don't know 15 minutes because like I don't do showcases. That's why I felt bad because I was like, that's why I was like, because it's weird doing a short time or you used to headlining.

Well, it's okay, though. Like, it's a skill I have to learn, you know, it's not a big deal. But I am up there like trying, Well, you crushed. Well, thank you for having me. Thanks for having me on the pod.

Dude, of course. Thanks for coming. Of course, man. Bye. Goodbye. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's secret podcast on Spotify. Do it. Instacart knows that some people go bananas about getting the perfect, well, banana.

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