Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 610 - The Bewick's Wren (feat. James Mccann)

Episode Date: April 25, 2026

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Support Jim @ https://www.patreon.com/jdfmccann Go See Jimmy Live @ https://www.jdfmccann.com/ Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Go See Lemaire Lee Live @ https://lemairelee.fun/ Go See Shawn Gardini Live if you want  @  https://www.shawngardini.com/live Hello0o0oo0o. TGIF. Buzzer beater cast this week. Apologies for the lateness. Today was the only day we could do it. We got jimbo back from down unda. It was a nice hot cast. Nice to have our pal back. Cheers to the frickin weekend. Please enjoy. God Bless. Visit https://bit.ly/3Q45Fru for 35% off your entire first order at NOBULL Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/DRENCHED and use code DRENCHED and get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

The wild, wow, Wes. I was told the birds hatched while I was gone, and I don't see any sign of it. Yeah, you'd see the eggshells, at least, you would think, but. The Papa comes in every so often, feeds them and it flies out. Think that's how the mom bird? Yeah. Or the mom.

Yeah. They have stayed together, which I'm very happy. That's awesome. It's not just the mom. There's mom and dad. Really? Yeah, it's very exciting. Yes.

I guess the one, the dad bird's bigger, I guess. stronger and uses a reason how do you tell how do you tell? Yeah he and I smoke he meets me back outside and he goes to pour me a beer brother my fucking

just the thimble my rends being a real bitch but yeah that's very exciting stuff and I got the bird bird house with a camera on it that will never be installed you'll see that sitting on that island no

the remainder of my time in this house where do you gotta mount that is that gonna be on the fence I don't know there's that tree over there Had to be nice. I get it out there. Hey,

you don't got to tell me twice to clam that tree. I'll clamber up that thing. I would love that. I'd love clamber in a tree. I know. Fucking tree broke. What the hell was that about?

Just smashed my car. We thought that was an AI picture, Lamar said. That fucking sucked. Yeah, that's bullshit. How the hell did it fall? Especially the way Lamar, you know what it is?

It's all that construction on the road. And it's a dead tree and finally it just fucking. Oh. Whoa. Okay. Yeah. Dang.

They were shaking this fucking house. Yeah. Crack. There is a crack running through the floor. floor in that bathroom. Do you know about this? No. The floor is splitting hard. Sidewalks cracked. Sidewalks cracked out there. Those vibrations yeah. Fuck shit up really badly.

Insane with that. No, that's like a whole part of civil engineering where you have to like, the amount of vibration coming can like break windows and shit. It's pretty nice. Well, it split a gigantic tree that then destroyed my car. And it's, well, it's a weird thing to like hold people accountable for it. But you know, your vibration, because it's hard to prove. Yeah. But yeah, so they were doing stuff. tree fell. Did it just like crack in half or did it?

Yeah. Like split. And LaMere, you were very, it was nice. It was a good video you sent because it was kind of a reveal. You started with the tree. And I was like, oh, a tree broke. That's fucking crazy. And then goes, sorry about your car. I was like, oh, fuck. How are the birds?

I was actually concerned about the birds. Were you worried about Lemaire's friends kind of like using the fallen tree to like climb in up on the roof and into the house? I mean, he had a friend here the whole time. What? Dorian was here. Oh, deeds. I forgot.

He was gone. He was a nice fellow. He was a very nice fellow. You got to spend some time together. But I'll tell you what, when you get off the road and you just want to fucking be alone in your house, you got Le Mare and Dorian walk around. Hey, thanks for letting me come and stay as well. You're all right.

You're not as big of a, as Dorian and Lemaire together. He kept offering to make ribs for everybody, and it never happened. He never gave me any ribs. I think he did make ribs because Lemaire came home looking for him. And then it was kind of accusatory acting like I ate the ribs. Who ate the ribs? You didn't eat them. You didn't eat them.

Dorian ate him. He did. He was true to his word. He made ribs. He was ate him himself. I was like, damn, that's crazy if Dorian just took your food. And he was like, well, he made him. He was like, oh.

Important part. But he ate him. You love inviting guys over and grilling. That's good stuff. Just you and a guy. That's good stuff, dude. That's good clean fun. I know. It is if you do it like with, I don't know.

You keep bringing different guys into my house and grilling with them and then leaving. You got to be a monogamous griller. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, it's always just one guy at a time. It's never, it's never a few fellas. It's always just here sneak into the garage.

A little grill and chill. I got some ribs. And then we can watch cartoons. It's get fucking barbecue sauce all over the couch. scare my birds you scare those fucking wrens I'm gonna fuck you up don't talk to them

yeah what is the smoking radius oh god damn it just went back damn this I'm back caught out of the corner of my eye I'm like I have like cat visions think about playing Xbox and go fuck it oh shit the wrens are back

they're back they're actually that thing's bustling right now yeah so the birds flew but I don't know how birds work is that like do they still chill and headquarter up in there for all Obviously, yeah. They're pretty active all day. Yeah, they're fucking rocking. I bought them some bird food off of Amazon.

I googled. I googled what Ranzied. I just put a little cup next to the nest. I don't know if they're taking it. I think either a man knocked it over or a bunch of them made it. Yeah, they're probably much in that. I want them to be hardy. I want them.

Yeah, you got to have their skills. I'm worried that the cardboard's not stable enough long term. You've got to put, you got a mattress. That thing's stable. I can't believe you also had. Bud light. And there's Budlights in there. Yeah, you got mud lights.

Structured. Colons. There's columns in there. That's the village. It's aged. That'd be funny if you eventually betray them by like removing their supports. Eventually I'll go. Hold on.

I'm out of beers. You're like the evil developer looking at the town. I could put those a good use. Yeah, they do have natural resources. I might have to give them a democracy. Tommy almost destroyed the structure. I know. It was great.

I know. Reached in. Two of them flew out. You got, you got bats. You got fucking bats and you. I'm surprised he didn't get hurt. He's been injury.

He's been on toddler time lately. Every time I see him, he's got a new brusky tumble. He's got a new boo-boo every time I see him. He's got to hide him from his lady. I tell you that. When he said what's up to Nate, he rolled his ankle out front.

Do you remember that? Yeah, this is the night after he was over here and ripped his shins on the fucking pool. And they were like really fucked up. And his fiance gets mad at him for it, obviously, because it's his brusky doubles. So that he comes in limping. I'm like, why the fuck are you limping?

And he was like, it's because my shins. I was like, no, it's not. It's not because you're shins. He was like, I just rolled my ankle out front. It was a bad one, too. He touched Earth. Like he went down

He said a mama me He lives right over to the car Right away here He lost his Mario mushroom And he gave him Now he's small Yeah He's got to watch out

Because he's getting to the age Where that's a fall That puts you Sit you down for a long time No He's not frail Jesus dude You're saying Tommy

I watched a video of Tommy From two years ago He's aged 15, 20 years Yeah you'll see All right It happens all of us Yeah It's happened to me

I've got gray Yeah take a look No, that's why my hair is, like, if I cut my hair now, everyone can see that. Yeah, man, once you hit 40, that's, it's just, you are declining. It's going to get way worse for me. Oh, dude, it's... The ride that steals the spotlight every time it hits the road, that's the Volkswagen TIG one. Its sleek exterior makes a first impression you can't ignore.

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I still hurt. I had to do stand-up last night. I was on stage like, like, grimmett, my whole back was in pain. I was like, yeah, anyway. Oh, shit. No, I don't believe. I think you're probably working the back out.

I remember seeing the back last summer before I left. Dude, I'm still right in high off. You admire, man. We were at the pool. I do. I saw him swimming. He admires man's physique and comments. Dude, he told me to have a huge back. If your physique is as natural as you say it is,

it's the most impressive transformation I've ever heard. I appreciate it. I was in the mirror. I was in the mirror literally two days ago, and Brady's like, what are you doing? I was like, James said, had a big back last summer. I'm making sure it's still big. I'm still riding high off that compliment.

That's a nice compliment. Dude, it's huge. I'd never see my back. I had no idea. You do have a nice back. Fuck, man. Thank you guys. I'm going to be riding high.

I'm going to be riding crazy off this, dude. I mean, guys who's strong back secret. Chris O'Connor's shoulders. I mean, I'm working hard. You can't tell when he's walking around. And then all of a sudden you go, good God, what's going on there? Yeah, I'm excited for, you know, I'm still working hard. I'm trying to cut a little bit.

So I'm excited for a reveal pretty soon. Oh, yeah. Once the pool warms up. And also when the rents leave, then we can have a pool party. But no one's allowed over here until the Rans leave. I want to be like a four-year-old with cool shoes. I'm going to take my shirt off and be like, is anybody going to say anything?

Yeah, B-ball was nice, dude. I'm going to be the opposite, dude. Pop the top and sprint to the water. Float with just my head above the water for the entire time. Get that gator float. Slide, right? Yeah, I mean, it's coming to my attention. I'm a little aggressive for the basketball course.

I talk shit the entire time. Yeah, you are a cock sucker out there. He talks shit. Anytime someone. and shoot. I'm like, oh shit, oh God, watch out. Hold on. Anytime I touch the ball, I'm like, give me that fuck, give me that ball. It's just honks out there with you? Nah, we, we had a lot of honks.

Yeah. Pretty good, pretty good. You know, my neighborhood. It's the racial distribution is like, almost like engineered. Yeah, there's a little, the first time I went over to your house for a party, I was a little like something weird's going on. It was just interracial couple. Yeah, it does look. It's a, it's, it's a bit of a college brochure of it. Yeah, it is. Dude, we had, I felt bad an Indian guy on my team for the last game.

and then he was guarding an Indian guy was guarding him. Oh, nice. We got the ball and just passed it to the wrong guy. And I was like, oh, shit. Dude on my team looked at me and started laughing like, nah, I get it, bro.

That's fair. It was too curly hair at any. Same fucking haircut. I was like, I did it. I mean, I've never seen an Indian guy on a basketball court ever. They were hooping.

They were nice. Were they hooping? Yeah, yeah, one guy had a shot. But yeah, yeah, it's true.

When you see him, it's usually not. It's like prison. They play with the Chinese guys. You put him over there. They're the others. on the basketball. The div 3 in the prison yard.

It's like you guys go do your thing over there. Like hop frog or whatever you guys are up. I don't know. Is there an Indian athlete outside of cricket? Is there anyone who's passed over to, like sometimes there'll be an Asian footy player in Australia. Yeah. The Great Kali.

Asians first, I feel like. There's like an Asian football player, right? Kickers or something. Definitely baseball. Yeah. Yeah, I think so. But I never see an Indian guy. Japanese in baseball are doing great.

Tell you what? What is it? Hawaiian guy. or whatever. They were doing well on the draft last night. Yeah. That's a, and that's a,

I feel like a Hawaiian guys, like you get a lot of racial, it's like very safe racial excitement. You know what I mean? So you're like, ooh, what is that? You guys, you're like campfires or something?

You have cool tattoos. It's like, you know. I watched some of the draft last night and I don't know if it's, the economy has gone worse, but the outfits they're wearing have become less ostentatious when they're getting picked.

Last year I met there was a lot of silk. Yeah. Double-breasted people wearing Edwardian ruffs. and all sorts of crazy things. And this year, normal suits. The Sam Owens had big suits. Yeah.

Everyone just had a normal. Is that a fair observation? I didn't see it right. Yeah, maybe it was a subdued draft. Last year, everyone looked like they were in the capital at the Hunger Games. Yeah. No, they'll bring that back, don't worry.

They'll be dressed like fucking idiots. Is it because there's a war and people are going? It's not appropriate. Yeah, I don't think so. Where lime, satin. They'll break it out. Breaches. It's true.

So everyone was like kind of modestly or like classically dressed. It was insane last year. Yeah, that is pretty wild, man. It was probably the first time you really saw it. And now I've just become used to. Yeah, we're all totally used to it. Like a pregame NBA walk is the craziest thing I've ever seen. Every outfit's the worst outfit I've ever seen.

The cool thing would be to go back to the late 90s huge jacket, huge jacket, ill-fitting pants of the late 90s. Yeah. Yeah, Jinkos have somehow infiltrated the black. I've seen a lot of like dudes wearing like super wide leg pants. That's nice. Yeah. So that is that's, I don't know.

I feel like that doesn't, I don't like it for him, be honest. Jankos? Yeah. It's not for them. I just think it doesn't look right. I don't know, unless you're like kick flipping or something on the way up there. It's just kind of weird. I see how you, yeah, they're stealing your culture.

Yeah, true. I mean, I, yeah. So now you understand that that could be a little frustrating. They bring in the frosted tips. What else are they going to take away from us? they kind of have yeah oh here we go this episode is brought to you by no bull

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Maxie came out with the layout. That way up. It might have been my favorite. It was so sick. Dude, before that just draining those two threes and like just like crazy shots. It's come hit a three and hit that wink. Oh my dude. Live. I rewinded. I rewinded I hit fucking 10 seconds back and I go, dude, check this out. Look at this fucking. wink dude how fucking cool was that Nate was on stage while because it was like oh shit it was getting close he went up and I'm watching just maxy ball out and I was just looking

up there like where is he dude he needs to see this man this is we were both we were fired up that was awesome that was great didn't expect that I was just getting into Philly while that was happening and it was funny because when you get in it was the whole city was orange for the Flyers and the Flyers were playing the next night

that night the Sixers were currently playing I was like it's funny that the city is already like just giving up. Yeah. Everybody did except for them. Then that game, that was great. Yeah. Now I hear in Bede's, uh, I don't, I don't know.

Part of it, I think they're trying to fuck with Boston. It'd be like, he might come so, like, so they prepare for that. Because he is appendix. He just had, no one's come back two weeks after having an appendix remove, I think. It's like, how many fucking guys have gotten that during a season? Uh, it happens more, it happened a few times during the season, but the playoffs is where people are like, maybe because it's the playoffs, go rush them back. They also do have some crazy.

stuff now medically. Yeah. Like I feel like ACLs now, they just they pop you like right back in. Appendicitis? Yeah. I mean compared to how you used to what, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Appendicitis is like yeah, you're, you got to be down for like at least three weeks, dude. I would imagine. But is that like sports? Is that like a sports recovery or is it just like a regular person? I think that's just like you can walk around. Yeah.

Rough and tumble play. Especially he's going to play rough and tumble. Yeah, true. Come. Now, dude. Falling on the ground every fucking 10 seconds. If we can win one more. make a definite like game six in it like six game scenario i think he'll pop back up what do you think

about tonight i think uh celtics by 50 what usually usually you win a game like that yeah i was wondering usually a come i liked at the very end when they just put in all their white guys and they were just breaking threes the whole time when your whites are missing threes it's like yeah you're done that's bad that's bad stuff yeah they put they threw in the fucking scrub squad at the very you You can tell they're like, all right, fuck this game. We'll get it next one. I think we can get one more at home. I don't know about this very next one,

but we can get one more at home. Yeah. It's going to be exciting. Yeah. I think I do think Boston's going to come back strong. When you're missing like that, you're just like, all right, I got the worst over. Now I'm going to start firing with.

Yeah, they never shoot like that. That's the problem. That was prior to the worst game all season shooting. But that might be defense. Might be the match up. Ameris evil ass. Because he's a hater. He is a hater.

He's a hater. He pretends. he's not an hater. He's a actual hater. Yeah. That's why I don't want to watch the game. Which is crazy for a guy who doesn't really give a fuck about sports. He just wants to see his friend. He's a video game. He's a, he's an anime wrestling video game guy. And then he'll be like, fuck the Sixers.

It's just an evil. We're an evil fucker. We were all happy for you to see Cody Roots. What do you mean? It's owned by a manager group, right? It's not owned by one guy. It's owned by a group of people who are owned. That's why you don't like them.

Because their only goal is to make money, not to be good or win. What do you think they all doing? What do it? wrestling is. Huh? What do you think wrestling is? No, I'm saying that's not in the spirit of sports still. Like when it's like, when it's like Larry Balmer owning the clippers, the clippers are going to try. But when it's like a group of dudes who own like five teams. I've never heard this before. This is exciting to me. You want, you think if there's any, if there's more than one owner. No, it's a managing group. It's like venture capitalists, like own the team. Yeah. Yes.

It's still the team. It's still the coach. Still the players. They're just trying to make money. They're not trying to like win. They're just trying to make sure they milk money out of people. I don't know what the Dallas Cowboys have been doing, but I think they're just trying to run out. Yeah,

but the goal is to win because that makes the most money. That's not true. Yeah, it is. It's probably better to win them to not win. It's definitely true. Get people in the seats if you're good. Yeah, and you can still be a single owner,

but they probably have investors too. You know what I mean? What do you mean you don't think that's true? I don't think you have to win them. You sell more merch if you win the Super Bowl. What about the Cleveland Browns? What about the Cleveland? They sell out every year, but they never win.

What about the Green Bay Packers? They've got a team ownership. They win. They win. But they don't have a single owner. That's everybody buys in. Everybody. Like the Flyers.

Yeah. They've sucked for a decade. Yeah. Now they're back. Now it's like packed when they play. Yeah. And they're actually like even the players are like, holy fuck. I didn't even know it could be like this.

And it's like they're selling out every like, like you understand? Yeah. But are they owned by a management group? Or are they owned by like a guy? I'm not sure there's... I'm trying to point out that winning helps financially. Yeah, I agree. Winning helps financially.

Yeah. Yeah, for the most part. There's usually, yeah. Yeah, I think so. Well, that's a good theory. I like the idea of it of being like, you know, I want a guy. This, you know?

This isn't a story. Just put up like... I don't know if I've... It's an interesting reason for this. for you to just not like to talk shit on Nate's team. Yeah, you don't even have a single owner. That's crazy. You know the F-45 gyms?

Huh? Have I ever told you about the F-45 gym man? No. I was an Australian man who invented that kind of gym. And then he came out and he started buying teams. He came to America and he started buying teams, but he like didn't have huge money. So he bought like a rugby league team.

I think like a very low-level baseball team. But he named them after a cocktail that he was inventing. I think I'm getting this right. I'm going to like his name was Adam Gilchrist and he called them like the Gilgronies because he was going to come out with his own personal cocktail called like the Gilgrony like a Nogrony but for his name.

But then he went bankrupt and the cocktail never came out but the team had two years of playing in Austin. And they changed the name and like people were very upset who were fans of the team and everything about it. I'm not saying that he was necessarily a huge cocaine addict but everything about it screams. He bought two teams.

He named them both after cocktails that never came out. He was found to be illegally paying the players or something. And then they just weren't allowed to play in the playoffs. And now they fold it. And now there's no team in Austin. And that's a single owner. There.

See, that's what happened. That was a tiring. Am I getting this right? You need to checks and balances of an organization. You know who else had a single owner? Germany. True. You want a strong man.

I think you're just missing Vince McMahon. I think that's what it is. He missed Vince. I think he's projecting his Vince loss onto the Sixers. How did you feel about mania? Oh, yeah. Let me say something, brother. I'm kind of glad I didn't go.

Really? What about Cody Rhodes? Cody won. That was nice. Yeah. It was cool, but. Celebrabania, dude. There was a lot of celebs.

Also, Cody Rhodes kind of like weekend dad did you. He's like, come on, buddy, we'll go to WrestleMania. He did. He did. Cody Rhodes never reached back in. Big promises, Lamar. Lemaire had his bags packed. Be like, Daddy's coming to get me soon.

He never came. That's how the tree went there. I got you. I didn't even want to go to WrestleMania. It wasn't even a good one. He didn't say anything. And then, like, the day before he was like, Shane, can you ask Cody Rhodes if I can go to WrestleMania?

I was like, no, dude. He has a flog. I mean a taxi guy. How to get to Vegas for like 150 bucks on like planes. Yeah, it's cheap as hell,

dude. That's, well, yeah. No, Vegas is like notoriously cheaper, right? Because they like earn a incentivizer.

Direct flights were like $800. Oh, for mania. Workerounds. Yeah. I was talking about a connecting flight? Huh? He talking about a connecting flight?

Yeah. I was going to take a flight to Burbank and get off in Vegas. It stops in Vegas. Dude, that you should have done your personal. Road to WrestleMania where you just got metaglasses and just like film the whole journey of like, I'm going to get in here one way or the other.

What do you mean? Get off. I thought a bus wasn't playing. You need get off at a different stop. No, I got it. That's smart. You mean a connecting flight. No, but you get the connecting flight to another location. You get off there. Get off in the middle.

Yeah. Whoa. You don't get back on at the connecting flight. Okay. It's very sneaky. So you just get off and you're out. Yeah. Like, I'm in Vegas.

where I want to go. Smart. Yeah. I didn't even know that it was possible. They tried to hold me and Nate had to do that. We flew one. We got rerouted and ended up in Cleveland and there. We had to go to Cincinnati or one of the other.

And then we like landed in the place where we could just drive and be there. And the lady was like, you guys can't get off the plane. I was like, I'm getting off the plane. I have a car in it. She's like, it's not safe. And I was like, I don't feel safe right now on this plane. I got to go. I was telling Nate.

I was like, bro, I'm about to fake a heart attack. You're going to have to do it. You're going to have to do it too. So I was going to be like, oh, Nate would be like, oh, me too. We got to go. Yeah, but the pilot was chill. He was like, yeah, they can get off, man. Just let him off.

I didn't tell you about this. Some guy tried to like flight big dick and he's like, dude, I fly like 300 times a year. This is not a big deal. I was like, I'm not saying it's a big deal. I just have to leave this plane. Like the fuck out of my face, dude. Trust me, brother. This is nothing.

All right, man. Fuck out of here. God. I was like, I just have to go. because if I went back to Chicago and then got stuck there, I would have, like, missed the show. Yeah. It's like, this is not a big deal.

Okay, it's cool, man. Yeah, who are you? Shut up. Stay out of it. Get out of you. You fucking idiot. But yeah, it was nice. But yeah, I was, I was worried.

Because I also thought, too, I was like, yeah, who cares? If I just, like, disobey the stewardess, I'll get, I won't be able to fly United. I don't even like you. He's how much I don't like myself. I could see myself doing that. What? That awful behavior of sitting next to somebody to be like,

I take a lot of flights. This is nothing. I could catch myself in a moment of being a giant douche. Someone next to me. I don't think I would. Yeah. Well, I'm saying I'm capable of that.

That would be something I would regret. Yeah, yeah. But I could be like, I fly all the time. Just a stranger. I say it, I'll catch myself saying it at like the airport where I'll just be,

yeah, same thing. Like, yeah, I actually, I fly a good amount. But I would never interjecting in a person trying to gain freedom from the airline to be like,

dude, you just got to stay here. like, well, dude, I'm not going to a fucking corporate banquet where I can just not show up. I would think to myself, this guy must be freaking out if at the connecting flight, he's just like, you know what, I'll get out here and I'll drive. Yeah. Be like, dude. Yeah, you're fine.

Fly a lot of it happens all the time. That's how all the airports are built is to turn us against one another. So we don't unify and rise up. I've thought about this a lot as to why that, why are airports the uniquely, there's not like a nice traditionally designed airport. They're all cold angles and glass and judgment. Split you up, make you feel atomized so that when there's a delay or whatever, you don't, you know, you know, Unify, you don't band together.

They want you turning. Sorry, while you were talking, the fucking rent flew right back into that box. I'm sorry about, whatever this is. I heard a theory that they're actually... This my house looks like New LaGuardia. It's their fucking blows.

I heard a theory there are thin zones where it's like people are dislocated from like time. You don't know like you're different like... Like a casino in an airport. Well, they were talking more like it's almost like a dream space where you're kind of like, no one knows like you're in a different place. You don't know if you're going to get to go or not.

The time zones are all scattered. That's why people freak out. What's that music? I can't figure out what that music is that plays when they play a liminal space on a reel. It's been stuck in my head for days. You know what I'm talking about? It's like Donkey Kong music. It's like underwater donkey Kong music.

It makes me, every time it pops up on the reel, I don't even know. I don't even look at the meme. I just feel. Amazon presents Jeff versus Taco Truck Salsa. Whether it's Verde, Roja, or the Orange, For Jeff, trying any salsa is like playing Russian roulette with a flame thrower. Luckily, Jeff saved with Amazon and stocked up on antacids, ginger tea, and milk.

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Just long body cam videos? It's great. Dude. Great narration. The guy breaks down the story. Yep. The officer recap. I like the officer. He's a Philly. He was a Philly officer, by the way. Was he Philly? Yeah. He recaps. Like, this is what happens. Hey, it's very common. I'm so

ready to now for civilian disturbances. I was in a I was in Phoenix recently, and I saw this homeless lady, you know, she like went and met up with her, like, homeless boyfriend, and they were sitting outside a pizza place eating. And at one point, the guy was like, that's fucking bullshit. And I was like, I might have to intervene right now. And I looked over and the lady just went, why are you looking at?

I was like, whoa, what the hell? You should have said, I've been watching a lot of Midwest safety. Just so you know. I will call the cops right now. I will pull the triggers. So if you move quickly at all, 15 shots into your fucking car. There was one. sad, but there was a guy who was pretending to work

on a house, and he was just, I think he was probably just like, stealing the pipes or whatever. So the cops, like, he's like, no, he's like, I'm working here, guy. And he kept, it was, he was, like, he was like, he was like, he was like, it was pretty, he was like, it seemed like he was smooth with it in his head, but he was also like, he would say the same thing over and over, you go, places, shit, all you guys got to see. He kept trying to do, like, contractor talk. And they're like, so, what are you doing in here? And he's like,

plumbing job, don't pump job. I'm a drywall company. And they'd be like, okay. And, you know, and eventually, he's like, the lady said, you didn't get hired and he was just like, I got a gun. He ran inside. He just ran inside and he did suicide by cop. It was sad. Yeah, shot him in the head.

It's really. Oh, it's pretty. It's like cops, but like on HBO cops basically. Kill him. And then the cops come. They're like, oh, he shot him.

There's, that you get to see him talk shop and they're sitting there and they're like, because he did like brandish what looked like a weapon at them. And the one cop rolled up. He goes, yo, I knew that guy. He was a boxer,

man. You would have fucked you up, dude. If you guys had to fuck him, he knocked people to fuck. sucked at Jiu Jitsu. Terrible. He was fucking badass.

Over his body. There's a yule's guy. He's like badass boxer though. Man, this guy was great. And then they're like, all right, we got to get him out of here.

He's dead. There's so many good ones. There's one. I mean, it's obviously really sad because it's a guy with like PTSD. Clearly like a meth, roid rage type thing.

But he's on the bottom floor of this like apartment complex. So his windows go out into like the courtyard part. But they're like, while they're approaching, they're like, we got a disturbance.

And he just, they look into the room. And you see him in the corner like naked just like stand up and he's gigantic. He's like, ah. And he comes through the window and to fight all the cops. And he's so bad. They're like, please stop. Stop.

Stop, dude. He's up, which one do you want to fucking die tonight? He like chases him all. Did they kill this man? Fuck. But is that all these videos? Not all. Not all.

They're trying to get suicidal. No, not all. Some are hilarious. Oh, good. Yeah. Yeah. Some of them are really fun. There was his drunk.

There's like a tall white dude. He got, he had like fighting with his girlfriend. So he was at like a work, like a convention kind of thing where he's supposed to like stand at a table and hand out information. He ditched it and got hammered in like a strip mall restaurant. It comes outside. They like kick him out.

He says outside of the cops and they're like talking to him. And out of nowhere, he would just go, I got that good cushion alcohol. Was this me? That sounds like my weekend. It was so. I got some down.

Bitches. not gonna call. It was so funny. I don't know what I was. And they're like, they're like calling Uber. He's like, I will. And he was like play Spotify and be like play young thug and just chill. It was seriously funny as dude. Bro. What, what happened there? He just would hit on the lady cop the whole time. The guys were talking to me. You know, tell him to stop talking. I only want to talk to you. He's like, yeah, you're so. I love you so much. Dude, he was so. And then they taste him. And he was like, he fell down. He fell down. He fell down. He got up. He goes, you know, thanks for doing I kind of like that.

Do it again. They're like, dude, stop. Get out of here. His boss comes and picks him up. He's like, you fucking asshole get in the car. That was, uh, they did. Every once in a while they have a fun one like that. Yeah, it was Shad.

Yeah. Remember that guy? Yeah, that was Midwest safety. Yeah, that was a Midwest safety classic. Name Shad. There's also, there was one guy who barricaded himself in his house. Those are always good. That one ended bad.

I think he got shot. Yeah. He put up a fucking fight. And the cops are always so excited to break out. They're like, why do we have this military tank? this fucking giant bearcat swat vehicle just to put a fucking battering ram on the front of it break down some guy's shitty front door

he's in there throwing fucking kitchen knives out they cast him out for like four hours they're like the sun's going down we have to go in I don't know how he's still in there oh he's just creating barricades in the house dude it's eventually pulled out a gun and they killed him they'll get him but he was throwing a lot of stuff for a while which was throwing knives as

They'd try to throw a fucking gas canister in. They'd see him throw it right back out. God damn. This guy's fielding these things. I like when the dude slipped the handcuffs. A can of corn. Women slipped the handcuffs a lot.

Yeah. There was a lady who slipped the handcuffs and stole a cop car and jumped in the front and just fucking beeline it and just drove 80 miles an hour. And then she like pulled off into the woods and luckily slowed down and just whacked an old stone wall. You see the inside cam? She's like,

boom! Yeah, I mean, it is really horrific. It's Midwest. It's my whole algorithm now. It's just dashed. And then there's the other ones that like to get pretty wicked, man.

Yeah. You're like, now I'm staying Midwest safety. You got to check that bottom where it says Midwest safety. Yeah, I always do. There's some of them where I'm just like, yeah.

Because at least they blur out the carnage. Yeah, it's true. In Midwest safety. I saw one where a guy, it wasn't Midwest safety. Do you watch any of mass shootings? No,

I steer clear. I try to keep those ones. Really fucking bad. Those ones are sad. I steer clear. I saw one that was pretty fucked up on it. It was like a different thing, but it was a guy who had worked in a,

I guess like some sort of care unit for like the developmentally disabled. And there was a lady who, I forget what she had, but she was like basically a vegetable. She couldn't move, couldn't talk, couldn't do anything. And he impregnated her. So they're just like doing a routine thing. And they were like, dude, she's pregnant. And they were like, what the fuck? So they had to do like an investigative thing to figure out like who was with her.

It's a miracle. Dude, the guy was just his young kid. He was a boxer. So then they like interviewed him. He was like, no, I never got to spend alone time, blah, blah, blah. And everyone else they interviewed was like, check with this guy. He was fucking weird. Definitely fucked it.

Dude, he did. And, well, so they did a paternity test. But they were like, they showed footage of him and he would be around or I think they talked about it. He would walk around. The wildest maria episode. Dude. He would stand over them and just be like, he would just shadow box.

And then, yeah, they like, when they reveal the paternity test, they like told him like, well, you're actually, you are the father. And they just had the camera on him still. And he goes, fuck. Oh, dude. Jesus, please help me, please. I'll do anything. He's like, I'll be poor

my rest of my life, I don't care. Dude, you're going to jail for like 30 years. You're going to be poor. You're going to be poor the rest of your life. You've fucked the vegetable lady. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's really sad.

Sorry, what is this channel? Dude, it's Midwest safety. That's not Midwest safety as well. That's like you'll, if you start with Midwest safety. That doesn't sound like a Midwest safety. That is not a Midwest safety. Sounds like a Moripovich. Sounds like a dream.

Well, dude, here's the weird part of Midwest safety because they arrest women. there's a lot of female arrests. And there's an undeniably erotic component to the whole thing where it's like a lady in yoga pan. And it'll be sad. It'll be like she's drunk behind the wheel. Her one year old is like trapped underneath the car seat.

And they like pull the kid out and she's just like, give me my fucking baby right now. They have to like wrestle her to the ground. It's just like. It's hot. You're saying it's an erotic. I think there's an undenact. Well,

that one wasn't very erotic. But there'll be ones where they like wrestle a lady down into like a hotel bed while her boyfriend's getting like beat up. And I'm like, this is kind of kink. This is just kind of kink. We, yeah. It's not mine, but I'm like, it's, you can see where it comes from. Yeah, just a big strong guy coming in beating your ass, beating your girlfriend's ass.

They leave, but he's sitting around. Your boyfriend the whole time is like, he's raping me. Dude, there's one guy. He wouldn't stop. He's raping me. It's quality. It was great. It's so funny.

It's quality stuff. Sorry, this is my last one with the, the one where the, I understand your joy from me. I'm so happy Midwest. You found Midlands. Oh, it's all I watch. on the plane now. It's the best. Dude, he goes. Download him for the flight. I'll see what happened. Then, uh, this is just the best scenario ever because there's two people on a work trip. It's the wife's work trip. The husband's just there gets hammered at the bar. It was like,

I guess he was like a quarter Native American, which comes to to play later. And he, uh, so the woman just gets woken up to officers. It's just being like, wake up. And she's like, she's also drunk. She's like, what? And the husband's like, some guy started with me, babe. I stood up for myself. Don't worry about it. He was just fighting people. people in the bar. This is over like saying like, this is my land. You stole it from me.

They're like, shut up. And he's like, yeah, so then, oh, damn. He tried to reclaim his land.

He tried to reclaim his land. He tried to reclaim his heritage. Like a holiday in express. So then. A bunch of hockey dads. Dude. They're like, yeah,

exactly. You guys on a travel team getting wasted. Shut up. And then he said he was like, I'll stand up for myself. Never stop standing up for myself. And he kept trying to step to the cops. They dazed him.

He must have got hit with the Native American algorithm. Dude, I think so. I've seen a lot of those. Those are my favorite. It's just modern-day Native Americans, like, you're on stolen land. Never forget that. And then they do a fucking ceremonial dance.

Every comment's like, fuck you pussy, scoreboard. You lost, you're at home court advantage. You lost bitch. Fuck you. So mean. Scoreboard. I don't know if what I'm about to say is true, but it's what I just found out about Oklahoma.

What? Cities, there are rules about sex offenders that they can't live, like, a certain distance from a school or other. type things. So what they do in the cities is they organize, they space the schools and the other places that sex offenders can't go near so that sex offenders can't stay anywhere. They do a full city plan to like lock out. Do you know what I'm saying? Like it's great a force field around it. But then the pedophiles have to live in a little satellite town. There's like a town full of sex offenders. Yeah. And that's where they go and stay because they can't also stay in one building

to it maximum. So there are like these little satellite pedophile community. Just on the outside. Pedophiles can't... There could be more than two pedophiles. I know. Apparently, we got one more guest and we're fucked. Apparently they max out at two pedophiles in the building. That's why you can only have one guy at a time.

That's why he's like, I'm having a big barbecue party, but just one of my pedophile buddies. You and Dorian. They're having a courtship. They both have their parole officers next to him. Well, it's also every city... I feel like the cities in Oklahoma are all surrounded by reservations. like the Indian reservations too. So it's like you've got the res,

you got the city, and then it's pedophile. Those pedophile satellite town. Trailer Park. What's that? Just middle earth for the pedophiles. Oh, dude, pedophile park is pervert park.

Pervert Park. Florida. That is a sad dog. If you ever want to get really sad, watched Pervert Park. Pedophile trailer park. Pedophile trail park. Florida drives by it,

throws bottles at it. Then you talk, they interview the pedophiles who have all obviously had the worst. Yeah. Except for one guy. Yeah. There was one original vampire.

one original vampire. The rest of them tell you their life story because you're like, fuck these better. You see bottles flying over at them. You're like, good. And then you like to hear their story. You're like, oh, that's fucking really bad. Then there was one guy who was like,

I just got fucking horny, man. I drove drove to Mexico and try to take a kid. And yeah, they beat my ass and I drove away and I got arrested on the border. He got to beat my ass and I drove away. What the fuck? You should fry that guy. He's like, I was just jammed up, man.

I just figured I could take a kid for Mexico. It was a stressful day. It was just fucking horned up. yeah we've a wide yeah it's real but the the the documentary is just a lady who's a pedophile and it's just like yeah I was like I was fucking my day she would like fuck her dad on and off as an adult it was it's per report guy tap down they just she was on again off again yeah well I think she'd been obviously vampire bit in early in life and then she was just like yeah this is a new expression you like break up with her

boyfriend's like vampires yeah yeah pretty much dude pretty much all of them for the most part have yeah last of those kids we got a break the cycle. Yeah, just don't waste kids. Yeah. Well, chemical castration. Yeah. I think that's fair.

Chemical cast. Where are you guys getting all these fucking Oklahoma facts? What the fuck's going on here, dude? We've actually been studying Oklahoma very closely. I've got more things said about Oklahoma. Well, she's gone. We're going to master Oklahoma pedophile law. Damn, so that's leagues.

That's why the panhandles so small in Oklahoma. It's for a little penis. What is it just sever your desire? Does it like fuck your gens up? Like, what is it? It makes me unhappy to think about it. I only thought about it because I watched the Begonia movie and at the start they chemically castrate each other.

And from that point on, I was against the movie. Really? Do you know what I'm, do you know the movie I'm talking about? No, I watched it on the flight. He was very good. Pretty good movie. Maybe a pedophile cop. It's sort of hinted at that he might be a pedophile, but then they...

Oh, you know, I think they make it pretty clear. He, he, like, molested the main guy. He says, I'm sorry, I did that to you. I never did it to another kid. Yeah. Okay. And it's, you know, he's very good. You know, it upset me.

The whole film upset me. Yeah. Pedophile stuff. So at least they're not glorifying it. You know, chemical castration is, I think that's a fair route for the pedophile. You know, but then it's like, what do the hell you do with him? What is like, that'd be a good coming of age tale.

Pedophile chemically castrated has to find himself. Get on the straight and era. Call up his friends, barbecue one-on-one. Yeah. Because what do you do after that? you're a pedophile. You've been shamed. Yeah. Now you're like altered physiologically where you can't do that.

You'll never do that thing ever, I would imagine. And it's like, what do you do? You got to just boss up in a fast food chain somewhere. The glow up would be crazy. The comeback. No bill price. You go to college, study hard. Yeah.

Then how science works. I mean, you invent AI. You're completely undistracted. You can finally fuck. Just raking your mom's leaves very efficiently forever. become a cooling champion yeah i mean that's gotta be crazy because that's where they go they go usually they live with their mom after you get a pedophile you get busted back to mom yeah then your mom dies now you're alone pedophile it's got to be a minute the future just you or the computer

like let me just look yeah i mean just get a glimpse for all time's sake cops come immediately you're like, fuck. Yeah. But yeah, that would be bad. Yeah, it's just good stuff. Yeah, chemical casts, fair. I've chemically cast a couple times. You know, with the BLs.

There's too many BLs, you go, God damn it. Nothing's working. You're running Oklahoma drills on yourself. That's the Oklahoma drill. That's tricky, though, because if you don't chemically castrate yourself enough, now you're a super predator. Now you become the ultimate. Dang, man.

But yeah, that's good stuff. I didn't know they have, they set it up to where they have. This is what I got told me. I don't know what the other buildings are that they could leave this. My friend who made my shirts who came down from Oklahoma. He went out for breakfast this morning. A odd piece of information that he knows. Well, his wife works in,

there was a word they used that wasn't halfway house. That was a halfway house. The recovery set or recovery house? Yeah. But that's where I heard about it. And she had heard about it. I don't know, again, I don't know how true it is. Pedophile recovery house.

It feels crazy. Well, they do lump those. They lump. Pedophile recovery house is nuts, dude. You're all in the circles being like, pretty normal day, pretty chill. Pretty normal, yeah. It's all the bus the other day. That's a new reality show they're doing.

They get 10 of them in there. And if they do fuck a child, they have to be removed from the house. And the last one, I know what they win. They win. to Thailand. Well, that's what wins. Free holiday to Thailand. No questions asked.

All right. This is my idea for a show. It's not a bad show. You hold off on the big reveal on the prize because I could turn viewers off. You're investing. You're like, I'm really rooting for this guy. You're like, out here.

I got other ideas for show. Russell Brand just got in trouble. Yeah. I think he kind of did that to himself on that one. Oh, yeah. I mean, obviously. Normally he's like fucking government's coming up with Bull Street trying to fuck me on this.

and he goes, I fucked the 16-year-old. What the fuck? A while back. There was allegations against him a while back that he had fully been like, this is a deep state, obviously. And then I think, I think probably just grew too hard. He's like, yeah, there was that one time. He was, it was, it was within his legal right.

He was, it's, that's, that's the whole thing. The British were different about it, you know, until quite recently. And yeah, you could back then, you could just have sex with 16-year-olds in England. You still can, I think. Still can, yeah. Shouldn't. Should not at all. Frowned upon.

very frowned upon. Not my. It's not mine. Did it urn? It looks like it's yours. It looks like you need to produce yourself, dude. You dumb, dover. Just Russell branded yourself.

We've got to pause anyway. Yeah. I'll be right back. This episode is brought to you by prize picks, a preferred partner of the NBA. The regular season is wrapped, and the NBA playoffs are finally here. And there's no better way to cash in on the high-flying

hoops action than prize picks. America's number one sports pick app. Every bucket, every dime, and every win means more when you're playing on prize picks. So don't pass up your next shot with prize picks and get $50 instantly in lineups when you play your first $5. Matt, we got to riff again.

I would love for you to riff on I don't know. What is the official team? Sixers. It's got to be sixers, obviously. Yes, the Sixers. I'm going more maxi, more points. Yeah, I like that. Yeah, what the heck? Guys, an animal. That's great.

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Whoa. That's code drenched to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 line up. Price Picks. All right. Here we go. Guys, does anyone want to go first, by the way? I don't want to take out. Go ahead, Lamar. Get in there. All right. Well, uh, everybody. I'm going to be in Florida. May 5th, May 6th, May 7th, May 8th, May 9th. And they'll be back home. But also on May 5th, there's optimal of knock to sit the creek in the cave. So please, Check that out. Lemery Lee, that fun and everywhere else. All right. Thank you.

Oh, you. May 16th is all I got right now. Toronto will be nice, but I believe it's full. May 16th. Wait, very next.

You're in Toronto on May 15th? May 15th, yeah. What's up? It's a good time to be in the 6th. Is it really? What in May? May 15th. Why, I'm in the May 15th.

The new Drake released. What? Are you going to be there? May 15th? He's going to be going nuts. Damn, that's going to be awesome. Well, hell yeah. Do we all look forward.

of that and guys the next day there's some tickets left for the Riviera Theater in Chicago Illinois and yeah that's May we got time but I'll be honest that one I wouldn't lie to you that one's going to sell out so

come celebrate the end of this part of the tour in Chicago May 16th that's it May 4th I'm at the Hollywood Bowl in Los Angeles May 7th there's still tickets available for the May 7th Thursday show at the

at TD Garden in Boston. And then that's it. Obviously, July 17th, come watch me have a heart attack in front of the entire city of Philadelphia. Fuck. Albuquerque, Phoenix, San Diego, Los Angeles, Seattle, Portland,

Chicago, New York, Boston, Pittsburgh, Orlando, Naples, and Tampa and San Francisco. I'm coming to you. This month, it's going to be a big month. Yeah. J.DFMcCAN.com. All an hour out now. James Donald Ford's McCann,

Catamaran plan. Oh, yeah. Big times. Yeah, get in there, Sean. Hello, everybody. I'll be... Now, get in front of the fucking camera. Don't do this cute bullshit.

Just fucking do it. Hello, everybody. How's that now, dude? I'll be in Springfield, Missouri, Tulsa, Oklahoma, and Oklahoma City in Cincinnati, Ohio in the month of May. Please come.

Sean Gardini.com. Why are you so mad at me? I'm not. I'm joking, dude. Oh. Oh, I got a funny one. Nice. Sean's demise.

They fought a guy attacked you. We were doing, we did the celebrity, we did the celebrity theater in Phoenix. And Sean's wrapping up, you know, we're in the round. It was, it was truly just all of our skills. It was fucking sick. It's harder than I thought. I was all cocky. I was like, on the round for fucking 20,000 with Shane just unleashed me.

Dude, I went up there. I was like, because Sean was just up there. They stood pretty still the entire time. And I'm like, man, he's not moving. What the fuck? That's kind of weird. And as he started, like, moving around towards the middle. And he's doing his closer.

And as he's like, almost done, some guy just goes, fag. Fuck. It was from behind me to you. From behind to him. The page earlier. And it was like JFK. He just blew my brain. Yeah.

And he was up high and the grass you know. It was up high. Yeah, it sucks even more. Dude. It was really loud. Yeah. He got him. Sean got revenge for sure.

But it was, it was, then I walked out there. I'm like, why he was like so tight? I'd walk up as soon as I stood up there. I was like, oh, Jesus Christ, this is kind of difficult. And it was, it was, it was fun. But it was a lot of harder. Yeah, the first time I ever did that, I was opening with Bert. And I literally just rotated in a circle to my left.

And I looked down the cord. It was around my feet. Dude, that's the thing that gave you a corded mic. So the whole time I was like trying to, it was fun. But I was like, God damn, that was, I kept slipping into like, I felt like I was like at one point, I kept to myself, I'd be like, just felt like, Christopher Titus kind of where it had to be very like in another thing like if you like doubt yourself

at all and you feel like you I would just fall apart so I had to just be like yeah I had to be the ultimate performer I kept laughing myself I was like dude the ultimate showman right now because you couldn't you can't like yes I don't know man I'm struggling with that just in general like you got actually start taking yourself seriously enough to be a performer like these dudes helping me with the roast writing the roast like Mullen is like you got to like, you're capable of this. Like, do this the right way. You don't have to do the whole, like,

disconnected, awkward. Yeah, yeah. Like, you can do this. And I'm like, all right, yeah. I got it. No chance. I'm gonna go up there and be like, dude, I didn't write these jokes.

It's fucking weird. This one's funny, though. This is, blah, blah, blah. No, you did, I thought you did good at the ESPs. I thought that was very, it was a very clean. Yeah, but I was still like. You should have to give up this. I mean, it's like going to Dean Martin and going,

what if you didn't have so many drinks before you went out there at night? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I don't think you need to switch it up. Dean, you don't need to be driving. I know what you mean, though, because when you're on, there is a thing, though, you're on camera and they were like, yeah, it was, I felt a similar pressure where it was just kind of just for some reason to be in the round. Really, I couldn't be like, fuck, man, I don't know, I had to turn around and be like,

here's another thing I'm thinking about that I, I totally believe in. That's a great. And the whole time I had it. I'm like, this sucks. You're retarded. And I'm like, no, be quiet. We're in the round. You know, tightest mode right now.

It's time. I don't know why. just sits on a chair and goes 60% of you won't be looking at me I would have a fucking panic attack dude I still believe in the lazy Susan I think that would be good I think the show I think you should stand still and the stage should slowly

does do it or does does revolve but it didn't it wasn't on for mine does for bands yeah that'd be so sick dude that's the one thing too when I was in there I was like I just want to play music so bad I wish I could just play music in this place it'd be awesome yeah music would be so much better oh the celebrity theater stage of Zach Rines and sing a song That's awesome.

Saying lawyers, guns, and money. How awesome did that feel? It was fucking sick. Yeah, that shit rules. It was awesome. Best fee the whole time, when you're like doing that, you're just the whole time like this is awesome. Just hitting people with like dumb ideas about like vaginas are weird. You guys cool over there.

All right. Everyone on board. Let's go. I'm a professional. Especially in the round, when you turn around, you realize everyone's kind of checked out a little. Yep. Like when you turn back around, that's when people get, it's funny because they're being polite, I guess. because they don't get up to go to the bathroom

when you're facing them. Yeah. So like I'll turn around people be like, oh. It's like a teacher. There was one kid. Sit back down. Get off your phone.

Phones. There was one kid who every time I would turn in his direction, he would be like, he was completely spread out. And I was just like, every time I look at him, I'm like fucking punk. God.

And then he laughed really hard at one thing. I was like, oh, God, I got him. He's cool. He's cool. He's cool. All right. The guy's great.

The round is nice, though, when people are yelling. Yeah, there was. Somebody yells. I go, all right, fuck that corner. I'm never going back. Punished. Yep.

Now you're on time out. That was the other thing, too. They were, it was the rowdiest crowd I'd had in a long, so the whole time, they'd just like, ah, blah, ah, ah. And it was just like, this is not the place for this guys. Behave yourselves, please. But it was, it was very fun. I had a good time.

But I really, I was like, dude, that was, it was difficult. It was so hard. It was like genuinely difficult. I was, you know. So my XP points. I got four XP points. I got done. I was like, all.

I leveled up for sure. Nice. And then I went to two. It always happens to me. I'm like, I'm going to Tucson right after this. I'm about to crush. It literally had a panic attack on stage.

I had to just completely just kind of sub-quell within myself. Like, yeah, dude, I don't know, man. I told you guys I'm married. I'm like, fuck, dude. It happens like every 10th time.

I'll have a point where I'm like seven minutes in. I go like, would it be weird if I took a break for five minutes? It came back. And I'm like, yes, extremely knock this off right now. And then it just goes away.

And it's always a huge relief. I'm like, all, cool. Just completely absorbed. Whatever that is. A break would be. Nuts, but while you're up there, it feels so good. Let's go, fellas.

I'll be right back. Everybody, 10 minutes. Grab a drink. I'm going to go take deep breaths. I'm going to do box breathing outside. I'll be right back. And I definitely am not coming back. You're never going to get me back on stage.

I'm getting in a car right now. I might work it as a bit and just be like, I was fucking around. I was my old panic attack bit. I'm back. I just did the round last night. I just saw me. I was like Titus out there.

It's crazy. Yeah. It could be a fun way to end a show. Like, we're going to take a quick intermission. I'll be right back and just sprint. Sprint out of the sprint right now. You're building in. You're building in.

You say good night early when you want to go. Yeah. Because not enough show has happened, that's where you get your standing ovation. That's where you get your little break. And then you get your encore. You get your encore. Yeah, but I'm like nine minutes in. No.

That means that you're really going to get that encore. You're going to build eight or nine encores into the show. You just keep getting to go off. Have a think about it and come back. That's nice. But guys, that's it for me. Thank you. all right, I'll come back.

It would not work at comedy. No, well, you've got to train the audience. People got to learn. They would never, give them the round of applause to show ends. It would never be an encore, so everyone would just start. They would riot. If I did 10 minutes, I had a fucking rain. You got to get the word out.

You've got to get the word out that it's going to be encore time, all right? People have to know, it's like the opera. You know there's going to be a symphony. You got to teach the audience to encore. True, true. It's not fair that we don't get the encore. No, when I'm done, I'm so like, I'm so happy to get off.

No, but not if it was after 15 minutes. Going back out with another. That's my plan. That'd be nice. You could do it a little encore, but man, it's been, I don't know what that does in my body when I just, when I'm like having, and it's just the physical symptoms, I'll be like, oh, what the fuck's that? And I go, oh, great.

I know what that is. And I go, anyway, guys, and I'm going, going to fucking pass out. This isn't good. This isn't good. And I just go, no. And my body just slowly comes back. And I'm like, that is some kind of cancer. You were wearing the ring that was telling.

how you would like the, what's it called, the physical ring? The aura ring. But then I say, what's it like when you're on stage? You said, I take it off. I don't want to know. Well, you know what? You're wearing your heart right through the head. You know, it's weird?

I wore it one time. I did it for a whole hour. I was curious. I wonder what my body's up to. You know, it's funny. It started out like the highest stress possible. And by the end, I'm at like completely restored and peaceful. It's really because I'm like so probably relieved.

You're in the pocket. Once I get the first 15 minutes, I'm good. Yeah. But if I start, like, if something happens in that first 15 minutes, or I'll go like, I think you skipped a giant chunk of material. And I go, what is it? I don't know.

I don't remember it, but I know I did. Dude, you're going to finish with like, you're going to be done with like 27 minutes left and you're going to be fucked. And I'm like, no, I'm not. Stop. Come on. Can I take a break?

I wish I had that heart monitor for that Chicago Friday night with the audio. Yeah. You've just seen spikes, cortisol spikes, through the brutal cortisol spikes. Dude. Anytime there was reverb, I was just like, what the, how could this be happening?

Yeah, that was... Who did this? That's fucking brutal because then you're like, well, maybe he doesn't sound so bad in the crowd. That was the other thing up on stage. All you could hear

is there's speakers all around you. So it's just your voice echoing in your head. And you're just like, please make that stop. Please, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard anyone say. And it's me.

And it's coming around from 360 degrees. Stop. Yeah, that happens. But yeah, that's... I was happy to champ that. Every time I walk in cocky, I go like,

it was so funny walking up and being like, like, these guys have no idea. I'm a veteran of the round. And I just walked up and was like, oh shit, this is crazy. Fuck, what the fuck, dude? Fuck, man.

And I would start a joke here and end it over here. And I'm like, fuck, you guys probably weren't paying attention to the first part. Shit. That, uh, that happens. It takes you back to the first. It's the equivalent of, man, these lights are bright up here. This microphone's pretty loud. That's like the first time I had sex.

Yeah. It's very unnatural. It gets me every time. But these bros were at the show in Nashville, and they're like, how do you get nervous? Do you, how do you go out there? And I was like, I literally, I can't think about it. If I take once, before the show,

if I'm in the green room at all, and I'm like, fuck, there's 20,000 people, and I'm just going to have to stand there. And the entire night depends on if I do good. Or I just wasted all these people's time and money. It's the most people ever that anybody's done this, and I'm just going to stand there by myself. I mean, you've literally affected traffic patterns in the city.

Yeah. Like the city has been altered. The whole, there's so much right. The economy of the city. Like the local bars. Philly's going to be. Yeah, that's going to be wild. When I open for you, I don't, it's because I, whenever, if I'm doing something for someone else,

typically it's just like there's not even room for like anything. Yeah, because I'm like, this is great. I can't fuck this up. But it's for myself. I'm like, oh, no, dude. This sucks. But yeah, it's, uh, that's going to be fun. Thankfully, the roast is there to break up the,

Yeah, panic attacks. True. So I'll be focused on freaking out about that. He'll be panicking about that. A couple months, yeah. That's a nice reprieve. But no, look, the link's going to be sick. That will be tight.

The link is going to be sick. But every single person in Philly. It'll be like, if I was in Philly last year, every single person's like, I'll see you in July, dude. It's going to be like. Fuck. Is it a football stadium gig that you're doing? Yeah.

What is the capacity? It'll be like. A hundred thousand? No, it'll be close to 80. It'll be the all-time record at the state. Because it's the round as well. Yeah, obviously. Yeah. For any event. Hopefully.

Hopefully it goes well. It's going to crush. It sounds like it's going to suck. Sounds like a good way to ruin every day in the lead up to that gig. Yeah. Every day until July 17th, I'll be. I'll be staring at those wrens. True. Now that's nice. Those guys are.

Dear God, make me a bird and take me flat far far away. Please, I wish I could be one of those fucking. rims you know what i was thinking about today i saw i saw a i guess it's a crow what are those birds at the airport that just fucking scream at you oh those are like austin what crackles dude i love i love i love dude i was we was drive i had to go to like pta meetings this morning so we're like driving on the highway it's all a crackle just chilling on like we're like this homeless guy usually chills and i saw he like he became a crackle i think he did he floated down this thing like floated down so lightly and landed on this little like metal thing on the highway or like where you get on the off ramp and it was just like picking crumbs out of cigarette butts and I was like how crazy to be a bird just be flying like this celestial being and then you have to just land a fucking wicked earth and you're just like picking crumbs out of shit then you fly again beautifully I saw as soon as I landed in Austin I saw two of them bathing in a puddle on the road and it was disgusting dirt water dude moments ago they're soaring majestically and then they have to there's

nothing majestic about those things. Those things blow, dude. They are some of the shittiest birds. I love them so much. They're funny. They are really funny. But they just scream. They have no fear of people. They're just like mean pigeons. Yeah. We got a new bird in Australia called that it's the noisy Indian miner and they're an invasive species from India. And there's these loud, I know, I know, there these loud Indian birds that everyone, it goes, you got to kill them. But we don't have guns and we don't have BB guns you've got to find creative ways. You guys can't have BB guns?

No, you can't have a BB gun. What? But this is the, all the bird people used to work for a bird charity and everything's like we love birds. We've got to protect birds and then they'd be like, the Indian bird. Fucking kill that bird. You guys don't even know.

You guys aren't even allowed to have BB guns. There's no freedom. There's no freedom. There's no freedom. The government says it's going to get lodging your hand. I want a red ride a BB gun. No. What's one of the many problems for it cantering?

So what's the Indian There's no way you guys are not allowed to have BB guns. What about the Outback? What if you live in the fucking Outback? I've never seen a BB gun in Australia. What? Okay, wait, you've never seen it. I don't believe we're allowed to have them.

You must not be because if you were allowed to have them. Yeah, that's actually probably a good rule. Australians should not have... All that white trash DNA and no BBs. That's crazy, dude. There's nothing better than your older cousin being like, dude. Check this shit out. I'm so scared of it.

I don't even want to hold that. I'm too scared. I remember someone, I remember the pump action. Are they allowed to have them? They have to be allowed to have toy guns. They're not, this, it says they're just highly regulated and treated, classified as fire. I got my BB permit. You got to have a license for a BB gun.

That's what it seems like, yeah. You need a proper license and registration. What? Or else it's a criminal offense. How are the bin chickens doing? I like those guys. We like those. So big.

Torres taking pictures of them. We look like fucking morons. There was a Vietnamese guy who was killing. I knew we were going to, yeah. Do you know this story? No. Oh, it was, this was a story on the news a while ago in Sydney, where guy was, like, killing him and eating them.

And he got in trouble, and he was like a Vietnamese guy, and he was going, you're allowed to do it back home. And then later on the news story, they're like, got to do it back home in the state north of the, in Queensland, you're allowed to do it. Everyone thought he meant Vietnam. He's a odd Vietnamese man just killing street birds, but he meant Queensland.

Anyway, it was a fun. Do you get him in Queensland? In Queensland, apparently you can eat them. That's nice. They're big. What do these Indian birds do? They just squawk and they're invasive. They push the other birds out,

and they work in groups. There's about 15 of them bullying our sweet native local birds. No. Damn. It's really funny. You know, just a big gang of the Indian mothers will swoop down on a beautiful, the gangmate. Lonely Australian bird, you know, on a bus or something.

Dang, that's crazy. Yeah, it's not right. I was just listening to it and make bird sounds for like two minutes. It just sounds like a regular bird. Like the Indian bird. Yeah. Yeah, it just sounds like a regular bird. I think this is a...

Well, how versed are you on? You're pro. You're pro. I love bird noises, dude. That's not. They get rid of our big. We've got big, beautiful, strange birds that they're driving out. You have some wild shit down there.

Cuccahastews. Cucca bearer. You guys are nice pie. It's paradise over there. We got what? Birds of Paradise. Rifle birds. We got the cassowary.

They're very scary. They kill British people every now and again. Those are scary. Yeah. So what does the Cucabara do again? I know it does. It sits in the old gum tree. A great.

King of the Bush you see. Just laugh. Cuccaborough laugh. I love Cuccaborough. Your life must be. It's our song. You'll be birded out. I mean, we got to clamber up, man.

We got at least inspect the site. I would love nothing more than for us to install it. And I'll share the app with you. You can also have the bird watching app. And we can stare at them together because we'll both do the notifications. And I'll go out there at night sometimes. That's what the Patreon is to give you a notification. Patreon is a live bird feed now.

I would love that. Bird feed. It's a feed. Bird feed. I like that. That's good. You're going to have to pay me. Maybe we can tweet the bird feed too.

Maybe that. You guys see how much better this is than our pedophile 30 minutes show. Talking birds. That's fun. I forgot all about it. And we managed to make the bird thing racist, which I like. And of course, Lamar defended the fucking invasive species. You're an invasive species.

species. What do you have to say? It just seems like a nice regular bird. It's all I'm saying. Get them out. Lock them up. Killed, having to be like having to kill like a bird

for your government would be kind of chill. Oh, God, damn it on the dumbest guy over. What? My car that got destroyed. They're like, do you have anything in here? I was like, no. It's got my social security. birth certificate. Every single thing I

own is it been made into a cute now? Don't worry about it. Because I had to get my driver's license. Damn, someone could just steal your identity. You're gonna go up to the fucking link some guys and be like, hey guys. He's just crushing. You're like, get them off.

Damn, this guy's good. Just murdering. It's just got a new 20. You're like, fuck. Huh? Turns out all you do need is a Trump impression. You are in a weird position of getting to pick the car now.

It's a huge identity moment. I know and I don't know what car to pick. I think you get one of those Houston low ones with the big spikes coming at either side of the wheels. You're really surprised people. I can't do that. Why not?

It's crazy. It's time. Yeah. It's time. Too much attention. You got to go sleek. Very sleek. You know what I mean?

I liked my car. That was a nice car for you. Yeah. I'm in the, My CRV is still rocking. So I got to like, I'm going to ride it out, but I got it. Every car I pick, everyone's like, that's the gayest thing ever. Jeep Gladiator.

Thought Jeep Gladiator could be a cool girl dad car. I thought I could get a cool car. And somebody was like, it's for real so good. It's like, all right. Well, then you tell me what the fucking gas. They're like, get a four, get a raptor. It's like, I'm not driving a fucking raptor. Yeah.

I don't, you know, a pickup truck guy. SUV. SUV, I've seen you drive a suburban. Sevies are nice. You're nice in the SUV. I've been driving trucks. Everywhere. when I drive for any show, I rent trucks to go from city to city.

That's exciting. It's been kind of fun. It's been driving every new pickup truck to see which one I like. I'm back in a people, man. I'm backing a minivan. Back in a minivan. 2000. Japanese Toyota.

Beautiful fabric. It's nice. It's got a V6 engine in it. I've looked at the retro. It's nice. Well, everyone's saying don't buy a new car. Everyone who's like a hardcore car guy is like don't buy anything new right now. Get like in something old.

You know, it's been made like 10 years ago and just, I don't know why. I don't know. I wish I knew about cars. my brother almost convinced me to do a cyber truck it's so easy to I was like yeah I'll just do that because there's zero percent interest right now I'd like that that's nice yeah you're the land cruiser yeah that's nice 1997 that's cool I mean you probably you're connected that's nice you could get the waymo things on you could buy whatever car you want you guys should just get a waymo buy your own waymo then you can drink and drive anytime James you're on to something about that you're one of the

only people in the world who might be able to get on the phone to the waymo corporation and say, I should have the world's first private Waymo. That would be, I, dude, I honestly love Waymo. Just everywhere I go, everyone's fucking with the car. Also, no highway travel at all. I'm drinking and driving the whole time. Just fucking losing my mind every trip. Yeah, I was going to do a Waymo to meet my kid somewhere, and it was like,

it was like a 20-minute drive, and I'm like, I'll get out in a Waymo. It was like an hour and 20 minutes. I was like, all right, let me just. You custom fit your own Waymo. you get a bed put in there. You just get to lie down and go to sleep. I would like to lay down more. Yeah.

This is my idea. This is what I think Waymo should be doing. I might be able to have not stood up for a day. Dude. Instead of flying, you fly for an hour and a half, you get to the new city. This is my idea.

Beautiful bed in a Waymo. You just go to sleep. Drives you to the city. You wake up eight hours later. In between the plane and Waymo, you could have a segue where you just kind of, you get tied to it and you're swinging against. Sleep on that.

It's fucking just. I think I'm just inventing paraplegia. That's what I'm going for you. Big a guy sleeping on a horse just tied to the saddle. That'd be a fun thing that we should start getting the heroin people on. Segways. They hit that fucking lean forward. That thing's going 90 miles an hour.

They'd be funny. Their noses are like right over the ground. That'd be nice, though, to be like, all right, put them on segways and just point them north and be like, yeah. Go on. Oh, get. Yeah, that's the thing Austin is just those fucking shitty birds and homeless people.

Those two, I've always seen them together. That's a fair thing. They're a very symbiotic relationship. They do, they do. They do. That bird was just eating like homeless crumbs, basically. I was watching it just pick at,

just like weird shit. Like their elephants. The what? Like their elephants? Like the birds are on them. Yeah, cleaning their teeth. Yeah. That's good stuff.

That's why they're screaming at the airport. There's picking little particles out of their teeth. And like, bah! It's so weird. It's weird to see it again. We don't have crack in Australia. We just have methamphetamine.

It's a slightly different homeless person. Yeah. Yeah, it's way more. Crack people are a little more. They're in a fantasy land slightly more. The mood is improved. And I don't know, there's a spirit of joy about it. But the meth people, it's just sheer.

No, meth people are skips, spookier, I find. Yeah, they're more like politically tapped. More ready to have violence, more ready to question your ideas. Yeah, I'm not saying. I'm saying the people the people in Austin are fucking evil. I've never walked by a fucking homeless guy

I mean like he's having a good time. They're literally having audible arguments. There's a theater about it. Like that woman who wears caution tape instead of clothing. You know, she's having an experience.

She's doing. Yeah. I don't know if I've seen her. They're funny. Oh, you'll see it. People are funnier. Remember the street joke guy in Philly who come up?

They got a joke for you guys. Yes. That was, that's meth. I don't see them here. Yeah. You know what? Yeah. Homeless people here.

I see the, angry. That's more of a Philly thing, you're right. A lot of angry. Meth is pretty big here too now, though. Meth kind of like piggybacked heroin cities pretty hard where it kind of like come in and a lot of the heroin guys got into meth as well. Jet's a bad one. Meth is the worst.

Phoenix is Meth City, dude. Yeah, Phoenix is all bad. Me and Nate saw fucking, or me and Sean saw needles on the ground. Walking around, I was like, I don't want to make everything about Oklahoma. But last time I was in Oklahoma, they'd cut the,

when you go to fill up, you're like someone had a flat tire and you got to do that. And they cut the tip off at the gas station that you used. It's called the needle. Yeah, yeah. And they said they cut the needles off for drugs. And I thought they were using,

they were like fucking jamming that into their arms. But they use it like a pipe. It's a perfect pipe. So they just don't have them, that you can't fill your tire up in Oklahoma. Should have pissed me off. It's not right. Yeah.

That would piss me off. But yeah, meth, I would agree. Meth is, I think, if I had moved with Sydney, I got to pick the drug. Everyone's on. Heroin's pretty chill. I pick heroin. For sure.

Yeah. Sleepy down. The heroin's... Meth would be the worst, you think? Yeah, I think so. Because they get like real, you know... It's a very like, I got to do this thing now. Yes.

Kind of drug. There's the head moves differently. We've got a lot... We're still, Australia only got really... Heroines gone away and meth is... But it's that... The head moves like this and people get skinny and... Yeah.

Sweating and the... I'd be a rough place. I'm back on public transport and I'm seeing it. It's, um... Our buses are not as spooky as yours, but they're still... That's why it's weird when you get... one. No, I'm done. No comment. Can you do a takeout now? As Australia's still anti-take or like taking away food from the restaurant kind of thing? Uh, yeah, food poisoning. We,

sometimes we're disagreeable about it. Yeah. I remember we're trying to take their food home. You're like, you guys can't have that. I was like, what? I've convinced neither of you to come back for a show. Yeah, I'm not. It's the flight. I like Australia at the flight. It's just brutal, bro. I don't know how you just bouncing back and forth. Huh? 14 lovely hours. I had a great time. I watched Succession for the first time. That's nice. It's pretty good. Yeah. I've never watched... I watched the...

I watched Season 4. I never watched any other season. Oh, no. That's the worst way to watch. It's so good. I could tell it was beautiful. I got the picture. Yeah, we're going to do it. It's time for us to take the company. No, they all suck. They're all weak. It's the same thing as season. So the episode goes, you're not serious people.

And I thought, I've said that before. I've said that to be. I like when, I don't know what season it is, when the old man goes to the like liberal news station he goes thank you for welcoming welcoming us romans into your in amongst your greek city it was just a funny weird rich guy thing to say remember i have no idea he's talking about i'm like dan that sounds so cool yeah it's awesome wish i now now that i've studied rome i know he's talking about speaking of dude i um you think it's time for the pageroom we get we're gonna do it this week we already did we did the page this week next week we're going to have a dude i have 19 pages of notes typed about the fall of row just like the

beginning of Julius Caesar crossing the Rubicon, why he did it, what's the foundational myths of Rome, which shaped the Roman citizens' identity. I wish I could be here for that. That's my degree. Yeah, you were fucking, you minor. I don't know you had a minor in class. But also at some point, I want to put pressure, I'm happy to do it publicly that the Civil War podcast is, yeah, I'll do it. You do it? Do you want to do it? Give me a minute. I'm thinking about little Sherman and Grant podcast episode. Okay. Discuss Sherman and Grant. See what they were up. to start with the call you could rattle off the top of your head causes of the war of northern

aggression oh brother oh brother you've got an hour in you for that maybe it's blacks there was a dog industrialization yeah the forest of industrialization i'm all right with that yeah we can i'll do that it's nice it'd be nice just too we just start researching stuff yeah it's time chairman chairman and gran of the bros it's time for you guys Nate it's time for you learn about Sherman and Grant. Both or South? These are northern guys. Okay.

Ulysses S. Grant. Okay. I'm all in. William Tecumseh. I'm in. Anyway. That should be it, huh? Yeah, I think we did it.

Great job. Yeah, we tease some futurism. A bit of a CTA. You know, a little CTA mix in there. Nice. That's what it's all about. Good to see, James. Thank you for having.

Thank you, man. Stokes on you. I said that I had to go away almost immediately. Yeah, but we'll reunite in Canada. How cool is that? We'll be together in Canada. Wait, what are you guys doing? Same place, Toronto.

We'll be in Toronto. The agent has for some reason put us both in Canada on the same night. Kind of a wild move. But it means we'll get to hang out. True. But everything's good. Fucking Ethan? Yeah.

We're both. We're both. All our shows are both at capacity. So we're good to go. Good to go. That's crazy. Still is kind of weird. It's very strange.

I'll see it every now to get linked with soda somewhere where I'm kind of like, why are we the same place? I don't like that. Who are you bringing to Toronto? CJ. He's from Chicago. No, no, not CJ.

Sorry, AJ. Sorry, my bad. I'm getting my, my boys mixed up. AJ. I'll bring AJ.

Okay. Going alphabetical order. About H. H.J. Hungry Jax. I'll be supply. I'll be supplying the age. They're a big sponsor of the Adelaide Crows,

who by the way, season's turning around. It's going to be all right. Cry boys. I heard big taxes. He had six kicks. Five. He had five goals.

And it was fantastic. I can really, if we make it to the final. You called him. Wow, wow, Wes. Whoa. Whoa now. Cut that.

Cut that. And then James McCann said, Cut that. I said, how are the crows do? I don't need that on me. Cut. Didn't we have a nice wholesome moment before we mentioned the football? That was a good place to end the pod.

I do believe probably overtime. Goodbye, cry, boys. He's my hero. Yeah, you would never want to do that. Trust. All right. Bye. Watch new episodes

of Matt and Shane Secret Podcast on Spotify. Do it.