Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 612 - Night Gator (feat. Charles Blyzniuk)

Episode Date: May 1, 2026

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Support Charles by Listening to 'Worship Hour' on KPISS Radio IG @theblyzard Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Go See Lemaire Lee Live @ https://lemairelee.fun/ Go See Shawn Gardini Live if you want  @  https://www.shawngardini.com/live y0o0o0o. Fambly ep on a Friyay. TGIF. We got Blizzy in town. We got the big kahuna. We got Cusky. What else do you want. Hot cast. New incest / incense. Hope you all had a good week. Please enjoy. God Bless. Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/DRENCHED and use code DRENCHED and get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup! This video is sponsored by BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com/MSSP Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

The wild wow, Wes. I'm loving them, man. I've come around. Yeah. I was against incest. I thought it was for... Oh, yo. I thought it was for sluts and minorities.

You said incest. You said incest. Incense. I was against incest. Hey, still on the record. Now I'm for it. You're on the right side. Yeah.

See the right video. Incest. Slots. Slots and minorities. I thought incense was for sluts and minorities. That's so funny. Now I know I can enjoy it as well. There you go.

I literally brought ins. I'll give them to you. You brought some sticks? I brought the incense sticks. I'm big on it. My wife hates it. I got to use it in my office. Oh, you'll like it.

Oh, interesting. The theory. Hates incense. She's type A, though. Incense. If you're type A, incense is not for you. It's not for me. She's type A.

It's for dopeers. It's for type B slots of minorities. That's true. Yeah, people who have to wait until the thing burns entirely. I've never gone into a white guy's house. With incense. Sweeb. Yeah, unless...

It's a dober. It's a dober thing. Dober thing, for sure. Dober thing. Muslims, oil, they go direct to the body. The oils. Yeah, I might get into Muslim oils, honestly. It's a nice, a quiet level up. You should have sell them at the mothership.

Yeah, sure. Poppy, poppy. That might be my merch table, Muslim oils. I'll come out after a show and be like, my friend, let me see her up. Oh, my friend. Smells so good. I'd be nice to get like a, for the merch table having a slice of like an Indian city where it's just clamored. You come out to like a New Delhi street where it's just clamoring.

You sharpened people. People are grabbing you by the wrist. like, come with me. Come here. My friend, please. Like, tours the pyramids. All kinds of crazy shit. That video pissed me off so much yesterday. Yeah, keep laughing. Just guys in a whole grinding plastic up.

For fucking 12 hours for the rest of their lives. They're like, is it boring? The guy's like, no. Yeah, one guy is like, nah. I love this shit. Yeah, you're literally sitting on your heels for 12 hours grinding plastic. That was crazy. I want to know who's the fat cat that buys up all that

plastic. That cat was the guy with the computer. Oh, True. Yeah. He makes like... Manager Bud even transcends the world. If you're the manager, no matter where you are, you are getting a button down khakis. I'm close.

Jelled hair, fat ass. Yeah, man. It's crazy. The pleaded khakis are for the managerial class, man. He did it. Every manager I've ever worked on a fat ass, bro, juicy ass on TikTok. It don't matter, woman or man.

You can be a man. If you're a man, you start eventually, you start like transing into a woman's figure. It's crazy. a full feminine thing. It's crazy because I think it's it's it is a very feminine job. Manager, yeah. Do you know?

I mean to be like, did you do that? Well, I don't want to have to do this. I don't want to have to talk to you again, but I will tell on you. If you don't get that time. You go, you fucking bitch. Supporting to a guy above you. It's just a little bitch. I would, I'd rather be minion than manager.

I either want to be minion or boss. I don't want to be manager. Manager sucks. Minion rules. If you're the lowest guy at the job. Yeah, I do. Yeah, I do like, That's all I've ever done. You know what? Rules. That's because you're working for the boss.

True. And you're like, the manager's a fucking bitch. Yeah. He's got a nice butt. But he sucks. But he does have a nice ass. The boss loves his minions.

I've seen that on display so many times. Yeah. I swear to God, the boss, the minions are like the closest. The managers, dude. And anytime someone becomes manager, every minion's like,

dude, fuck that guy. Fuck that guy. He was a minion, dude. Fuck that guy. That's when they transform. Yeah, true. So, I got going, nobody likes me. Everyone's against me.

I'm going to tell on you. You guys have been mean to me since I started this. I did like, when I worked for an electrician, it was my friend's uncle. And I was, I was a, I got a lot of hate because I was a prized minion. I got to drive him around every day. It was awesome. I was like his chauffeur, basically. And every now and again, he'd be like, yeah, you want to go pop up on him, see what they're doing?

And he would do, like, walk-ups on jobs. Dude, you would catch the minions and be, like, laying down and fucking around. He would be like, what the fuck you guys? do it. We're just chilling for a second. Dude, it's the best. You could do it outside. I, no, they are totally unbothered. The minions working on the street right now. I mean, they lay under the tree. Every time I'm out there, there's 10 guys taking a nap in my front yard. But if you ran up and I'm like, what are you doing? They would go, whoa. I don't think, dude, these are strong. They're strong lads for sure. But if you catch a nad and a lad on a

nap outside and the white guy just walk up on him like hey they're going to go they're going to assume it's time it's time to boogie I would have to put on pleaded khakis I walk out like this there's a blue t-shirt there's a fucking minion talking to me

it's a white minion the lowest form of minion yeah yeah khaki's belt clip phone yeah you got a roll by yeah

bursting out of the fucking pants just you have not bought new pants but you have not bought new pants but you gained 40 pounds just in your ass and hips. You are a manager. It's crazy. It's wild. Yeah,

you think you get a BBL just to move up? Yo. Move up the corporate ladder. You got BBL. Your boss would start noticing me like, this guy's got the makings of a true manager. Yeah, I'm going to go to a plastic surgeon and be like,

I just want to look like a dairy queen manager. Let me see. I need to per shade me up. Dude, I was me and Blizzard are having to laugh about a, I shouldn't even talk. Let me hear it. This episode is brought to you by prize picks.

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I'll give it. Supervision Kink is nice. I actually don't, yeah. Hanging out with the girl and parents. And then you get to go, bro, it's just you and me in the room tonight. The parents are gone. When I, yeah, see, everyone just...

He's a very private man. I shouldn't have said. As soon as I said, I'm like, oh, shit, I forgot. When I was texting you about it, because it was making me laugh. I was like, I was making me laugh, but I'm actually excited by it. I'm kind of like it. I'm also, it's exciting if you stay with, you know. Relatives?

Yeah, you stay with like relatives. Stay with their family or your family. Yeah. You have to have quiet sex, which is like, damn, this is great. Normally she'd be screaming from what I was up. But now we have to be quiet, so there's no pressure on me for this dead silence sex. Now I scream. Mom.

Dad, wake up. Dad, I'm coming. Dad. Punching the day. Mom, can I have a glass of water? I'm really thirsty. Mom, I've been crunched pussy for 14 minutes. Really thirsty.

That's a good run. 14's a good run. 14 is solid, bro. I'm on, I'm back on my no porn. Not even fat. It's not even, I'm not even trying to. I'm just being like, I'm just not interested in the porn.

that interest isn't vaping and I'm coming up on that ovulation cycle so I'm like yo it's about to be on you're just game we're we're game plan and she's like she actually said this to me this morning she's like I know you like a head job before that way you last longer and I'm like bro I'm down for whatever oh wow otherwise you wait wait wait and then it's like it's the juiciest ever it's a good time yeah so I'm by the way I'm big fan of a quick time I don't give a fuck about you at all. That was fucking wonderful. Now I'm tired. I gotta stay. I want to stay up in for a minute, bro.

Yeah. Give me a couple mins. I don't need that. A couple of men's nice, but then it starts getting a little too long. You go, fuck, I'm starting to get tired. I'm getting too tired to even fucking do it now. Now, I've been planking. When you're planking, I've been planking regularly. I'm excited to show off.

There's no other way. Oh, that's not. Like a plank. Celebrating a touchdown. that's crazy did you ever see the guy on tic-tok he goes like this and goes and then like does different arm movements

no maybe there's a guy you know what I'm talking about there's a viral term straight up in the air there's a viral trend of like divorced fifth year old guys who want to show women how sick they are in terms of like fugging

yeah so they do a thing where they go like this dip the pelvis pop lift one arm lift one arm and it's just them like up and down they'll do it like a 7-11 aisle it's so funny oh I've actually Okay, I have seen that. I thought you were talking about the guys who put the camera here,

like you're fucking them. You ever see that one? It's great. They lay a camera down. Oh, no. Again, 50-year-old, 40-year-old divorce guys. I saw one where the guy starts by going, oh, no.

It's so funny. I immediately send it to Gabe Davis and Billy. Gabe and Billy are getting those. And then you look at the comments, and it's literally like 40-year-old women, like across the country, like, I love this. I get so. sad when I see women sympathy in comments

just guys fuck did you see the one I say with the guys his tongue's gone crazy it's like was that did you just said that recently

yeah I did I got to check that out I haven't seen the gram he's just showing him he's showing him he's going to he's got a crazy tongue game

pause let me see let me see yo what no no why does you have a towel

on his head he's sweat Gotty full, the goatee is porno. Oh, no. Oh, my God. I didn't know that was a thing. I'm in LA, 47 years old, eight inch. Oh, okay.

Eight inches. Yeah. I like how that guy's coming back. Yeah, I like how people are impersonating him in gas stations. Yeah, yeah. That's nice. My daughter just died last year. She killed herself.

She was eight years old. She was faster than me. Yeah, it's fun. I had a... I don't know why this tickled me the other day, and I've done this on accident before, but I was thinking about the... I don't know if you ever done the night gator to a woman

when you take it dump before bedtime and forget to flush it. And all night she's getting up and she takes her little peas. And she doesn't know the gator's lurking until the morning time and she confronts the gator. It goes, oh my God!

You go, oh shit, my bad. I was reading a good book. I forgot the flush. I left the... I left the night gator. How are you forgetting the flush? If you're there long enough, you might forget sometimes. Dude, I'm reading.

I'm always there long as hell, dude. Never forget the flush. I forgot, dude. I forgot. If I'm, like, deep in my phone or in, like, a book, I'll just get up. And if something happens, I'm like, oh, let me go. My kid might wake up. I'm terrified of the nightgator.

Bro. I'll leave. Like, if a girl is with me, I'm like, holy shit, did I forget to flush? For some reason. I'm like, I think there's a turd in the hook. They don't even know it's under them all night. They're peeing on the gator all night. Sneaking his head out underneath some toilet paper and just waiting.

I almost left the gator on her the other night. I was like, oh, shit. You had to go back in and get the gator down. I don't know, no, no, that's not your alarm. It's actually not the morning yet. Nothing, sours, a woman's mood first thing in the morning. They confronting the gator first. Just in the morning, the twilight.

A lady will leave a little road rash for you. Nothing pisses me on more than seeing a lady's fucking road rash. You go, dude, stop taking giant shit. Clean that. I don't want to see that. The road rash. Damn. Yeah.

Oh, dude. Tire mocks. I had a fucked up. I had gas last night, and I was just setting them off. I literally woke up at one point. I did like a complete, like a fart that if you've, videoed it would have maybe got a million views on it. It was so loud, so

long and so powerful. I did it in my sleep then woke up to my wife like, ugh, that was like, oh, fuck. And I felt the velocity and I was like, yeah, I'm sorry about that. That's really bad. It was real like, br-h-hound. It was foghorn. I wish you were ordering would track that.

I know. Like a fart. Yeah. I would get one if they did that. That'd be awesome. You could probably have to put it. You could probably feel. B-hole or a ring for the Bhole. How many farts a day? How hot are they? You can feel me tense. Or a butt plug. It'd be like your blood pressure spiked hard as shit for one second.

Just me, you go. Did you fart? He's getting a nap. It's like, you get a message like let it out, brother. I'm tracking her R-R-ring. She's in a deep sleep. You're safe to fart. Yeah. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. You can like you link them up. Yeah, I have a thing. Holding them in, man. It's got to be bad for you. Probably. It's got to. There's no way. What the fuck happens to it? well it's just I mean immediately it's just discomfort

it's discomfort but it's like where does it go you fart I've dude there's not a lot of science on farts at all I've thrilled I wanted like the encyclopedia on farts I've searched for it all I found was that book I showed you guys about the guy wrote about almost how he almost shit himself a bunch of times that's it

the book he actually thanked us that book did really well it's awesome nice yeah you might I mean you just step into that step into that whole I guess I got to find a someone I can start studying. I bug professors every now and again to do stuff. Just go outside and get one of these guys

who's work on the road. True. Get a fart shaman. They would let you know, dude. Take me into the tent with them. I'll be riding in your steamroller with you all day. Be great. Just to be like fart.

How do you fight that? Fart? Fart. Fart. Fart. Yeah. Yeah. Now we're speaking the same language.

I want to gas up so hard. I want to gas up so hard and then hit like an ayahuasca ceremony and just part. Just not even drink it. Just like, Yeah, everyone's like, wah. People would have like life altering like visions. Yeah. Bird just came back. Amazing.

The rents. How cool, dude. Yeah, just people in there like, oh, my dad. And then you're, yeah, the white, you wear like the all white, but it's a tall tea, extra tall tea. But yeah, that's, I've said it before, those ayahuasca ceremonies kind of freak me out, man. A lot of people who do that, they go and do it like 50 more times and you're like, yeah, they get addicted to it. Well, it's good. Right.

50? I know. It's a lot. I feel like, aren't you just supposed to do it like a couple of times if you'd actually get into it? I would think if you did something that crazy, you wouldn't do it 50 more times. Totally. Yeah, I don't think I'm going to do it. No, I don't know.

I'll say that stuff for like when I'm dying. That's going to be fired out, you know. Although that might blow dick. I mean, you're dying. What the fuck? Yeah, no. And then you're going to really realize it's probably going to be really scary. Yeah, true.

You could either accept it or it's going to be fucking horrific. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I mean, but then it's like, I'm kind of terrified. Like, just dying and sweatpants watching TV is like fucking scary too. That's coming. It comes for us all.

You got to do the Waska, dude. So at least you'll be like, oh, whoa. You go, oh, shit, I'm going to die in sweatpants. And then while you're dying in sweatpants, I remember when I went to South America, just to know that I was going to do this? What was the point of that fucking trip? Yeah, I remember I had to go with my dad.

My dad's friend was dying. He, like, send us all. I'd like, go hang with him. He literally just swept. He actually would do tidy whiteies. He was just wasting, dude, away. Oh. He had some sort of cancer

And we would just watch Westerns with him And he would sit there and be like The whole time He was the dude fucking rules I mean yeah it sounds nice He went out like a man dude Just westerns in his tiny bodies Until the last day

Yeah Me and my brother make him weed coconut oil And just like bring it to him That's nice I'd have like go make some of that Shit you know oil you make Bring it Frank He would just munch

You would just fucking munch weed coconut oil Watch Clinice would do his thing Final days That's a man That's a good way to go That's a sick way to go. Doesn't even bother to put pants on. Yeah.

No, hell no, dude. It was awesome. Damn. It was scary. The first time I went to his house when he, like, peeked through the blinds, I was like, you. Oh, yeah. Looks like, um, what's it called?

The guy from the first season, a true detective. Yeah. Gas mask on. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That was chill, though. I, uh, I'm still thinking about the wild.

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Call 16-531-2600 or visitconX Ontario.ca. We can edit down. I just think I would just personally, getting kidnapped as an adult is really funny. I had another loose relative that was involved in a pizza guy, strong-arm robbery plot who got eventually caught. He was the batman. He would wield the bat. The Donomos, broil up.

He's going to call the Donamos. Donamos roll up, and one of these dudes I don't have the bat, the Louisville ready, like, give me all your money on you, right? And the Zah, of course. they had a nice little thing going and they got busted eventually they kept bonking the drivers they're threatening the bomb

I don't think they ever barked but they're going to yabidabadoo the driver hit him with it such a that's a sick hustle it orders off weren't you held a club point I was held a club point hey man that's a prehistoric

that's a primal fear dude it was crazy I'll be honest club point I was just kind of like guys I'll leave like you don't have to do this also that's a shitty squad if they're robbing people with clubs you guys are definitely gonna

do it. You guys will do it. It's like there's like six of you. I mean, you guys can just beat my ass. It'd be worse of all six of you beat my ass. There's just six guys and one guy with the club. Like, we'll fucking bash your brain in. Oh my house was literally like two blocks away. I was like, I just walk home guys. I'm done. It's like a teabole. Today's not my dad. Yeah. Yeah. That's sucked. That's suck. That's stuck though. Just sitting in West Philly for like an hour by myself in a really bad neighborhood being like, should be coming back with these purcassets. There's like a street.

level though or like a double dragons just walk out like a shitty town a guy with six bad guys with sleeveless I need to one of my friends to send back to back to me and do a spin kick so we could knock them down but yeah that was uh that sucked the one time I remember I took way too much mushrooms in college and I like walked into like a really fucked up area of West Philly to get out of my house and just seeing like the dilapidated houses and it was I was like ah it was it was a lot yeah it's really scary it's really menacing scary You're still a West Philly bull. Still in West Philly.

It still looks... Moving from north to West Philly is hilarious. This neighborhood's a little dangerous. I'm going to go, where else is nice? Let's try West Philadelphia. There he is. Yeah, immediately they find me. What was the last time you were victimized?

Was it just the bike theft? It's the bike theft? How did the bike theft go down? Was that it? He came up on one bike. He came up on the city bike. Oh, it was the city bike. Yeah.

Or like, whatever the Philly version was. came up on the city bike and like cut you off it was like a common hearing it was a pirate it was actually a pirate it was black beard

yeah it was really blackbeard yeah and then he pulled up on you snagged up on me took the bike did he just like grab it real quick like yo give me that

no he was like he first started trying to ask me like how much he was like What did you pay for the bike? And I was like, all right, I got to go. Yeah. I was like, I'm not going to. He's just doing like Kelly Blue Book for bikes.

Yeah. He's curious. It turns out it's free. For you? For you, my friend? This is zero. You hop off there. It was how much.

Yeah, he eventually become a fucking Muslim oil salesman. For you, my friend. Take it. Yeah. The bike is free for you. I love city bike. That was a nice thing. After, after he took my bike.

He had the city bike. He pointed to the city bike and he was like, you can have that one. I was like, all right. Well, I can't have that one. I did ride that home. That's nice. That was kind of chill of him. I'm that big, yo.

It was, like, thoughtful enough to be like, you got wheels still. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, don't get down yourself. You still have wheels for a little bit. Right. There was a guy, look, I didn't get, nothing happened, but there was a guy last night that was, like, really power walking in my direction. What?

Where were you? Yeah, true. I was walking on Congress. Avenue for like a while. It's my fault. If you come here, it's just going to be North Philly, West Philly,

Austin, you're going to be getting chased by pirates. The pirates down here are going to chase you. This guy was like one of the, he was like the, remember there's two guys from Pirates of the Caribbean who were like trying to trick.

He was like, he was so dirty and shirtless. He was coming for you. He was coming for everybody. He was just like on a mission. And I just happened to have like headphones in and just. you know, surprise.

Took off. Popped up on me. Oh, no. But he had other stuff to do. Yeah. He got by me quick. I was like a temporary stop. Yeah, yeah.

I've been watching too. I watch this one guy's videos where it's just, they all start with him being like, he hit someone like ten times. He did one where he took a key and like hit a metal plate. Someone kind of popped up on me the other day. I was like, dude, is this my chance to fucking do.

Would you hit him with the John Wick combo? I was going to, but he didn't fucking, he just kept moving. It'd be awesome to hit a homeless guy with a fucking 10 punch combo. I want to get that guy. See, he has a guy with a motorcycle helmet. I'm going to wear the helmet and let that guy demonstrate on me. You might have, toss it on the bum first.

Yeah. That'd be nice. Yeah. You might be able to tie a homeless guy into like a pretzel. They might just let you. If it was the guy asleep in front of the Likinta. You could pretzel that, man. That guy.

Were you watching that with us? No. The guy, it was asleep. It was like... It was literally like a pile of rocks. In front of a Lakeitha. They came and woke him up and he was like... Oh, no.

It was literally like... You know the Lakeita. Yeah, it was like... Right downtown? Yeah, yeah. Right, isn't it right next to the Greek? I was just talking to someone who stayed in that the other day. They're like, dude, my hotel sucks.

I'm in La Quinta and I'm like, oh, yeah, dude, that thing's like... That thing's like hell. Yeah, things are worse. It's good for the alphabet game on the road, though. It is big for that. Huge. It's the only Q on the road. Oh, oh, I see. For real.

Derry Queens, the key to... Yeah, true, true, true. The X is just where it's at. It's the most impossible. It's tough. You got to, yeah. I feel like a lot of vape shops have helped with the X. There's a lot of like Express.

Yeah, true. Porn, strip clubs. Yeah. Yeah. X for Smoker's World and then like Arabic letters. Yeah. Yeah, you try to translate them. I'm pretty sure it's a Muslim X right there.

That's true. But yeah, man. that's I start my day I started my day today actually just game planning like if I was at the park and like the some like weirdo guy was like hitting like fucking with the kids how hard did I go on him it's like dude you would fuck him up so bad I do that all the time

Bryce's game playing like dude I would fucking headlock him if you got your ass be by the pedophile thought about it before but it's like you can't you can't you just have to go you have to go honorably obviously you have to go into battle but if you get vanquished by a pedophile in the park and then he gets the kids. I'm going, well, if I started losing,

I would fight, I would go for privates. I would fight dirty. You'd love that. I would try to have, dude. It's his world. If I monkey-clawed him, you go, ooh. Ooh, baby.

Yeah, maybe. You'd be on the ground. Now I went and he'd look down at you. He'd get me, yeah. Now you're my world. You just touch a man's penis at the park. You're one of us. Then you joined forces.

You go, where are the kids? Yeah, it's like a double cross. I actually brought a cat. I'd have to go to my wife and like, you have till sundown to destroy me. Do you think there's pedds who are watching these like pedophile hunter videos who are like training

to be like, I can't get foiled. And they're like just getting buff. True. That's nice. They're probably running drills in the supermarket just down the banana. Hard left at the banana stand. They have like a three cone drill. Yeah.

They're doing the NFL combine. It's got 20. second shuttle, this guy's going to be a great pedophile. It's going to fly out of that Walgreens, dude. They probably rewatch the beginning of Aladdin when, like, they steal the apple. Yes. Is how they, like, get through there? Yes. Yeah, like build, like a

two-scale cereal aisle in his house. Yeah, they got to start training. Yeah, they should start training like Navy Seals, like just a complete replicate Walgreens in a warehouse. That would be a good prank where you have one of those pedophile hunters, you like, collab with him, but the pedophile's not even a pedophile.

He's like, you know those, like, small jiu-jitsu guys who are, like, nasty as fuck? So he doesn't look that imposing, but they go to get him, the guy just pedophile, fake pedophile just folds up the dude. You get to be like, what the fuck, dude? Pedophiles beat your ass. What if I was being your fucking ass? But then his boy would come with the pumpkin from behind.

Yeah. The pumpkin, if I was a pedophile, I'd give up the game, dude. The pumpkin is the scariest way to go. Get bonked. By a pumpkin. Yeah, that's terrifying.

I'd rather be caught and known as a bedafile than known as getting ca-oed by a pumpkin. Pumpkin on the internet, dude. Oh. Yeah, you cannot, yeah, October to December, you cannot fuck kids. Yeah. Because it's, it's gourd season and you can't get it.

Yeah, getting hit with one of Gabi's pumpkin branks, dude. It'd be terrible. Yeah. Thrown in the air. The All-U pumpkin. It is truly, yeah. They like, it's like an assist. They like pick and roll.

He got like moves in. I saw the one where the pedophile got thrown into the air. The two people. Yeah. That's, they all of you. They got his mind and throws them. That's so.

That sucks. Yeah, man. That is rough stuff. I mean, there's got. I mean, I don't know, man. It's like those guys are training. But what you're talking about. It's like I think it's funny what they're up to.

Just if you, if they got the wrong guy once. and they threw him in the air and punched him and called him a pedophile and then hit him with a pumpkin. And it was just a guy that was like getting tampons for his daughter. Yeah. He's just a math teacher.

They're like the most at risk for getting a, you know. Yeah. They look like pedophiles. Yeah. Most math teachers do happen to look like pedophiles. It's true. So you got to be careful.

If you're a mathematician, watch out. Yeah. True. It's like, Sean, it might be 1975. It's, like the,

that teacher who shows off, like his outfits on Instagram. I don't, I don't want to. Oh, yeah, that guys, he might be, I don't like any of that.

I don't like when hot girls do it and hot girls do it. There's hot girl teachers that are like, check out my outfit for today. What? You're going to fuck one of these kids. Yeah. Better stay at a low grade. Yeah,

for real. You get into high school. Yeah. Get you. My God, man. Captain of the football team. Try,

you can get a guy, bro. Ooh. Yeah, that did it. What was his name? Dude, that joke on yourself is so funny. Maybe I did.

Matt. Man, I'm pumped on this bird feeder. I was struggling to set it up right now. Did it charge? I was trying to connect it, yeah. I'm fucking, I couldn't be more stoked. I spent the morning. I got a cumquot tree.

Pause. Yo, it's a cum quats. It's the case you can get. I got cum quots, limes, and an avocado tree. That's nice.

I got peach and lemon coming in a bottle. Trees. Sick. I can't, I can't wait. I can't wait. Avocado tree,

I won't probably yield anything. Maybe this winter I'll get a couple. They're a Mexican avocado, so they're hearty to the cold. There's a cold snap. Will fuck your avocado tree up with these things. They can take it.

They can take a little cold. Cool. Sub 23. Careful. I got them a pots. I'm going to move them in. No, No problem, but, dude, I spent the whole morning getting these things.

And I thought it was like 9 a.m. But he's like, dude, it's 11. You got to leave. Yeah. I need to shower. I'm covered in fucking dirt. I saw that. Yeah, sorry about that.

That makes sense. Sorry about that. Yeah, I'm pretty dirty right now. I don't care at all. That I have time to shower. I just saw it on your ankles. I was like, I don't know what he's been doing. You're out of the field.

He's a refield. Planting fruit trees. It's in the field. Remember the bad bunny Super Bowl halftime show? Yeah, I'm the guy at the game. You're one of those guys. That's you. That's great.

I saw that. I was like, you know, it's me basically. It's just for me. He did this for me. He did that video for me. True.

Finally, some representation. Super Bowl halftime show. Yeah. That'd be nice. My last representation was the old rappers. That was awesome.

That was a good representation. That was good. That was awesome. 50 was a little big hanging upside down and he'd go, yeah, fuck it, dude. The guy at the top's like, you just fucking crush you.

50 cents been a little quiet yet he was like right he's obviously still doing his thing but he was like he was the dude for he had a good like two month run where he did the right thing though he went away for a little while yeah yeah he chilled that's the yeah true what is he cooking up who's next didn't he say lebron no didn't he post something about lebron where he was like i have a documentary about you too he becomes black hello gonna be crazy grungy people.

Man, nobody's safe. If he gets LeBron, that's wild. Yeah, that would be... That's just what I... Nate's looking it up right now because Nate loves LeBron. LeBron is really funny. He might be the zest lord.

He might be the zest lord. I used to hate LeBron, but now he's too undeniable. That happens. Yeah, he's awesome. I used to hate Tom Brady and then he gets to a point where you're like, well, this is awesome. He's kind of the best out of for a few. And if you hate greatness,

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Learn more about their customizable plans at squareup.com. Matt, please read the highlighted lines verbatim. And now it's time for this week in dog history, presented by aura frames. So they got a little thing here. This is nice. You know, some memories are just waiting to make you laugh. Years later?

Oh, yeah. That's exactly what do our frames do. I take the moments that matter and turn them into something you can actually see every day. Oh, yeah. And you know what's overflung with hilarious moments waiting to be revisited? This podcast.

Let's take a walk down, Mary Lane, shall we? What's the strangest recording setup? ever had. Matt? Remember that one? What's the strangest recording setup you've ever had? One had like a buzz in it. That's so crazy.

A wild moment that becomes a story you'll always tell. What's a wild moment? Remember my wife came to laser tag and she was mad at me on the podcast? Yeah, I love telling that story. I'll always tell that story. What's happening in the photo?

The photo is just two good friends at a golf event. Yeah, we were out and we took a picture together. I was a little boy. I took a picture of my two heroes. No, yeah. Was there something totally off the rails happening behind the scenes? Oh, yeah.

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by mentioning us at checkout. Terms and conditions apply. Thank you, R. Dude, I went down to Pat Tillman hole the other day. 50 Threaten, LeBron? That rocks. Bro, it was all. You know, he got an offer to leave the Cardinals before he, he signed up to be in the military

and they're going to pay him like a bunch of money. Whoever had won the Super Bowl, I guess like after the first year he played, it was like, yeah, we're going to give you a ton of money. Come to our team. Like championship team might do it again.

What does Tillman do? Nah, bro, Cardinals picked me. I was low round in the draft. They took a chance on me. I'm staying with the Cardinals. Went to war. It was such a beast.

They offered to get him out of the military. He did one year tour and they're like, yo, man, we like set it up with the government. You're free to come home now. He goes, bro, it's a slap in my fucking face. He'd even offer me that. such an animal dude is the fucking man didn't they friendly fire him

yeah friendly fired and there was there was a fuck what was it an afghani soldier that apparently like loved him that like ran up the hill with him because his little brother was uh serving with him too so his little brother was under fire so he like ran up the hill and then an afghani soldier ran up as well he got killed no one talked about that guy but yeah he ran up there too

he got he got hit a bunch of times and apparently they invented a story about a woman soldier getting raped that's the statue yeah is that the Well, that's the picture that they use for the statue. Statute's fucking tight. You ever see it? No. Did they put it in the...

Tillman fucking rules. Yeah. Yeah. It's really cool. Yeah, the Pat Tillman, he was a fun. The Pat Tillman fund started because people just started sending all this money to the Arizona Cardinals being like, this is for Pat Tillman. And they got like a million bucks and they called his family.

Like, yeah, we have a million dollars for you guys. What the fuck should we do with this? Yeah. He's like, we'll just set up the fund. They send like soldiers to school or like the master's degrees and stuff. It's cool. Yeah, Pat Tillman, true American hero. Yeah.

I interviewed John Crackauer recently. That's right. And I got it. He wrote a book on Tillman. Did it really? Yeah, we got to talk Tillman. Speaking of another. Hello.

Yo. Yeah, dude. Yo, it's so fucking sick. Legend. Man, it's cool. It's an absolute leggy. Yeah, dude, I interviewed John Crackauer like two days ago. He has, so he climbed Mount Everest and like there was a disaster.

All these guys died. He survived. He wrote a book and it's like a huge book. And, uh, dude, he has a guy on his ass. There's a YouTuber anti-John Crackauer YouTuber, which is like, dude, climbs Everest. What's your beef? This guy's like, there's all these different faces of Everest.

This other guy climbed a different face of Everest. And he's just going through all of Crackauer's book being like, cap, cap, none of this happened. But like, and the dude, like, is blowing up. Crack hour had a fire back about it. Dude, I was, I was telling him, like, dude, I know this guy's like really a pain in your ass, but it was nothing that delighted me more than to see you have a fucking nasty YouTube.

I just never would expect to see that. You having a guy being like bullshit, the sherpers don't drop rope lines on that pass to the mountain. Dude, get out of here. I know. I guess it's just like every, every creative or any pursuit

just has a guy now who goes on YouTube and is annoying. Because his book did so well that another climber wrote a book after that and just had to kind of be like, yo, fuck it. It's so funny. What was his book?

called. He did into the wild. That was the guy who just like walked off and died in the wild. Into thin air. That was the other son. I got both of those. Do you really? Yeah. Dude, he's, he rules. He did the Pat Tillman book where men get glory. And then he did a, he did a book about that. Yeah, it's pretty tight. He did a book about Mormons, like polygamous, militant

Mormons. So, yeah. Yeah, he's a man. He's retired now. He's no more. He just lives in Boulder. stays at altitude. I'm so, I'm so jealous of people at altitude. Really? I'll work out. Whenever I'm in like, if I go to, like, Denver anywhere like that's like 5,000 feet. I do like one workout and I come back and I'm like dude I'm definitely altered. This is crazy. Oh yeah. It's funny you do that.

I have like five beers and I go whoa. Shit, I'm wasted. Outtitudes. Nuts. That would be nasty when I go home and get dry skin and a bloody nose. This sucks. I'm dying. My body's dying here. Dude, I'm like a snake. My skin just cracks. Yeah, immediately. It's crazy. But yeah, I didn't know when you climb Everest.

So you go to base camp for two weeks, you acclimate. I thought you just like roll up and climb the fucking mountain. No, you climb a little bit, come back down, climb a little more, come back. So you're like constantly getting acclimated to higher and higher parts. The first face of Everest that you climb from where he did is just a giant sheet of ice that slowly can shift and start moving.

And every now and again, it'll just stand up and just squat. It can just like the size of a house, just squash you. He was a 600 person to climb. I'm just like giving away the whole thing. When he was a 600 person to climb Everest or like 637, it was so scary. he was like so fucked up he like wrote that book hoping to scare people away from trying to do it 30 years later guess how many people have climbed mount everest how many dude like 25 000 people did the opposite everyone's like dude he says he goes to signings people look at him they go

you climbed everest i could fucking do that i've seen damn i just watched a documentary on it and there's just a line of people climbing now it's just completely crowded yeah but if one of those glacial kind of deposit things falls now that it's so crowded it's just going to squash like He's a bunch of people at once. Yeah, he said now the Sherpers are like, dude, this is the best thing that ever happened. Oh, yeah, they probably get paid. Just lines of dudes just going up there. Make a ton of money.

Yeah. Selfie wall at the Mount Everest. There it is. I watched the Chinese guy fall off recently. Yeah, it really. Slid right off, taking a selfie. Yeah, but people still die, dude. A lot of people still die climbing Everest.

Slowly slid off. Everyone just watches them slide away. Dude, you're done. Oh, fuck. You're toast. Yeah. If you don't get those, you need those oxeners. tanks and you get up super high and if like if you're out of tanks you just suffocate you talk about what's

what do they get it's like uh it's like the altitude and hypothermia where you get like hallucinations no i didn't know about that yeah yeah they see things before they die yeah it's like you're dying i forget what it's it's not the black dog is it maybe dang that's crazy that's pretty tight yeah i got that was i also learned uh i've been reading about gold rush colorado you know there's a big cannibal or yeah that's like a cannibal I don't know I was like there was like a prolific

cannibal that like haunted the hills in Colorado for a while he was munching dude munching settling for a while it was pretty crazy I had no idea so many deer in wildlife there's no he just got a taste he wanted the people he wanted the people he wanted those gold miners dude he was

munching him yeah it's like a while he was in the hills outside of Pike's Peak and everyone was like bro I'm pretty sure my wife got munched I mean this is crazy I've never heard of this man. Yeah, look up a... Who did he munch? Look up Colorado, Cannibal. I think it was like the 17 hunters. Was he... It's like the Leadville

Silver Boom, I believe. Sounds like a name from that era, too. Think his name was like William something, but yeah, he was munching. Alpha, okay. Alfred Griner. Did he... Did he just like... Alfred Packer, that's who it was. Did he just like turn into a cannibal someday? I have no idea. I just like, I never

fully got into his thing yet. But he, uh, he was munching. It is like a funny... How many people say he got? Maybe it's unknown. Yeah, he was munching. Dude, Colorado is crazy. It looks like he might have had the munch.

He had to munch? Looks like a little... Oh. I could be getting some Colorado folklore. He got five. Oh, my God. He came back. Oh, so he had to munch.

Because he was on the loose. I feel like they had to catch him at some point. And munched. Oh, so he was up there. and there's a snowstorm and he caught some guys that were stuck in it. And he munched. He said, Boys,

I'm hungry. Oh, my God. Yes. Oh, boy, you know what time it is. It's time for the help with the butter. This episode's brought to you about a bit of help.

Oh, you butter. The help with the butter. One thing that's been keeping me up at night. What's been keeping you up at night, Matt? What's been keeping me up at night? Nothing, honestly. I sleep like a fucking brick.

But I do. pass out like a second. Why are you worried about it? Well, you know what's keeping me up in night? My lack of deep sleep. I don't get a lot of deep sleep. But, you know, I don't know. Other than that, my kids keep me up or when I have to pee, I lay down in bed sometimes and I think of really funny, cool jokes and then I don't write them down. I wake up and go, then that keeps me up the next night. But guys, news flash, nobody has all the answers, okay? And since it's, I don't know if you knew this, it's Mental Health Awareness Month. Oh, nice.

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Then they'll tailor a list of professional therapists you can connect with it. I really like that. Matt, you don't have to be on this journey alone, okay? You need to find support and have someone with you in therapy. Matt, I want you. you in therapy. Now, sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com slash MSSP. That's better

help.com slash MSSP. That's better help. The help with the better. 516 guys, Riviera theater, Chicago, Illinois. I will be there. May 16th. I'll be there. Get there. That'll be really nice. I don't know if there's a lot of tickets left, guys. Just being serious. And I have a bunch of new dates coming out pretty soon that I'll announce. So pretty stoked. I know I'll be in Miami Miemi Tens. Oh, those Miami Tens. The Morrow fucking de-Aces.

May 4th, I'll be at the Hollywood Bowl in L.A. Please come to that. I've got very good special guests on that. May 7th, 8th, the 9th, I'm at TD Garden in Boston unless the damn Celtics. We'll see. Come on, Sixers. Come on Sixers. Do this so I can have my

shows. And then, yeah, July 17th at the link please please come that one's gonna be crazy so even if you think I suck you should go to that yeah those Colorado towns dude they were crazy because like there'd be a town

of like a hundred people and they'd be like yo there's gold in the hills and then instantly the town would turn into 100,000 people and no one really got a lot of gold from the gold rush and it would just turn into like the worst place ever everyone's just disappointed and pissed and crowded on each other and probably well

At altitude too, so they're all getting hammered quicker Being like, what the fuck? Yeah What the shit? It's good if you're just not looking for gold and you just want to attack people and eat them. Yeah, true. Oh my God. Yeah.

They were also mean to the engines in Colorado. They did some bad stuff. Yeah. I mean, the dumbest guys on earth showed up. Yeah. Sand Creek. I think San Creek was like it was just women and children. This guy's famous thing was because they were like,

there's not even Braves who checked it out. It's all women and children. and the one do goes, Nits make lice. We got to take them out, and they just murdered the children. Oh, my God. They ran for office,

I think. Brutal, brutal stuff. It's about, I'm really tapping everything I've read about in the last three months. I like that.

But yeah, silver boom, gold boom, Colorado stuff. You know, I've never really thought about it. And that was, I was reading about that pretty sick.

Isn't that like the same era as like the Deadwood TV show? Like people are just like moving out west. It could be. It's like the 18. 40s and... Yeah. I think it was pre-civil.

Yeah. Okay. Free civil. Other of the 49ers. Yeah. Yeah. There we go. Hey now.

It's a good way to remember it. I like that. That's about, 49ers. There we go. Yeah, it's the 49ers. What would you guys do in that era? Like, if you were alive, like, for a profession?

God-fearing farmer. What's that farmer? I'd be a god-fearing farmer. Called it. Hey. Hey. No, I don't know. Yeah, you know.

God knows. That shit would suck. It looks terrible. in a fucking factory. Yeah, I would be the East Coast shitty factory. Sharpen the fucking. Yeah.

We're talking about to be packed up and moved out there for that. Out west? Yeah, general store. I can see you having a nice general store. Now you're talking like I'm grand. Propriter. Now you're saying I'm Ulysses.

And I understand. I would work at the front desk and then the war would break out. I'd go, God calls me to lead this army. All these other guys are being pussies, dude. I was getting wasted working at a fucking general store. It's time to get wasted on the battlefield.

Yeah. The allegation that he was wasted at Chiloh was great. So, he woke up late to the battle because he was drunk as fuck. That's funny. Oh, shit. The wars do today. Oh, shit, they're here. They're like, sir, we should retreat.

Fuck that. Fuck that. You can't fucking kill these pussies. Everyone died. He's just angry and as a hot face. Fuck that. It's the scariest guy. Dude, the tornado documentary you showed me.

It's a tough one. Dude, that guy waking up with a head. vicious hangover and being like dude I think there's a tornado we should go check it out hangover I missed that point getting hit with an F5 fuck you hear the audio the whole time I was like

also everyone in that town that gets interviewed it was like I was ready to go I was ready to go yeah I thought you're good it's very they just interview everyone's just kind of a weird Christian yeah oh yeah all come off as very homosexual well the one guy is and then one guy yeah at least one

Yeah, the one guy, the one guy being like, at one point I was ready, I let go because I thought it was the rapture. And then, like, since he didn't get sucked up in the hurricane, he goes, that's because I'm gay, isn't it? And he went home, but luckily his parents were still alive because his parents got sucked up. He would have been like, oh, yeah, okay, that was a rapture. Yeah. I got left behind in the wasteland. It's so funny. You're a fat gay guy being like, take me.

I know. It's like, damn. Your feet leave the ground like that much and then he dropped back down. You're like, God damn it. Shit. Because he was young, so he probably barely did that much gay stuff. No, but he knew. Yeah.

He did a lot of gay stuff. He was making YouTube videos with the other girls in school. That's gayer than sex with the guys. So the YouTube guy was different. Oh. That was a different, bro. He died. The chubby YouTuber.

No, not the YouTube guy. He made YouTube too? Not the cool YouTube guy. Yeah, the guy. I didn't know he did that. The gay man was making YouTube videos with the girls. Gotcha, gotcha. Gotcha.

I didn't know that. I did like the jock. He was just like, yeah, this one girl came up to me out of the wreckage. He was like, hey, what are you doing? He's like, I didn't recognize her. I didn't know who she was. She knew me, but I didn't.

It's like, dude, stop, man. Stop chatting around, dude. You can't do it. He's chatting in the rubble. You can't chat in rubble. He was there rescuing people. He was like, a babe from a school was like, oh, it's you. And he was like, you don't even know her, dude.

Oh, that used to be your house. Damn, that's crazy. That's like fucked up. Shit. Yeah. documentary is terrifying. It's really scary. And then there's like the fungus thing that happens afterwards.

That's scary to me. I forgot about the fungus. That's, that freaked me out. Yeah. And that would get kicked up out of the ground. Kicked up, yeah.

And then it's like you get, you get sucked up. And then you're like, thank God I survived. And then the bacteria almost kills you. Yeah, that's really fucked up.

Double whammy. Yeah. And it's like crazy. It's a tearjerker though. Bro. I knew. I knew it got me. Thankfully, I wasn't invested in it this time.

First time I watched it, I was sobbing at the end, dude. And then Obama comes on and you're like, damn, Obama. That was a cool speech. Fuck. It was such a good speech. Actually, I think I did this. I think I said this the last time I talked about this, I thought. But just comparing it to if Trump was president.

Oh, man. And just, you had a big storm. Wow. You guys are great, though. All right. Get him out of here. And we're doing a lot right now for the economy. He'd just be like,

yo, I'm killing it right now. Someone say the economy's an F5 right now. Damn, he's had some good ones lately, though. Has easy fire back up? He's been very funny. Yeah.

He had one recently. I'm trying to remember it. Did you see the shooter? I did see the shooter. Bro. He like made it. Again, his rings of security, man. That first ring is so bad.

Got through. Shout the Secret Service guy. Did he shoot a guy? Yeah. He shot a Secret Service guy. The guy had an armored vest on or whatever. He called it in his manifesto. Did he?

Yeah, he said, I'm going to use, like, buckshot or, like, and he was like, that way, if they're wearing armor, I don't have to kill anyone. But he's like, I'm trying not to kill anyone. I'm just trying to kill Trump. Oh, okay. Yeah. So you did him with the sun gun all the way up to Trump?

He was trying, yeah. Bring out the James Bond golden pistol and p. Yeah, a separate gun. Yeah, he's like a P. P.7, everybody else, one shot PPC7. Golden Gun How did he Did you just like break in?

He just Naruto'd right through He literally sprinted through Arms back nerd run Nerd run right through Yeah Yeah that's hard to tell now It's like that might be Like a high ranking FBI official

Yeah that's exactly how they would all run This entire administration would Naruto What do you think about cash Getting in trouble for drinking? Cash is under he's like under investigation for how hard he's hitting the brusky he's claiming he's not hitting the bruskeys. The one thing I support him.

Glad the boy hit the bruskeys. All Indian dudes want to do is have bruskees with the bros. You saw how happy he was in that hockey locker. He really was. That's literally the Indian dream. He's stressed. He's stressed. And honestly, I really, I didn't like all the, like, imagine how bad that sucks when he

rolls up to that. It's like, you think they'd give a fuck? They just won the Stanley Cup or the Olympics. Yeah. They're fucking stoked. And then you're like, holy fuck, there's Cash Mattel. Ripping a fucking shotgunning a beer. This is awesome.

I remember not liking that footage of a coverage of like, it's like, dude, he's doing one thing cool. It doesn't have, not everything has to be bad all the time. Yeah, that's, they struggle with that. Yeah, it's like, dude, this is sick. We admit the arch is sick that Trump wants to build.

What's the arch? He's trying to build a sick ass arch. Dude, where? Give us a fucking arch. Where is it? In Washington. It's gonna be sick. Going arch will be tight.

It's not golden. Just McDonald's 24-7. I actually like that. It's just a big M. I typed in sick-ass Arch, dude. Sick-ass Arch, D.C. It came up, obviously. That's awesome.

Trump's victory, Arch. Let's go, let's go. Well, he has a win first. Bro. It would be tight. We stopped building sick shit. Yeah, that's cool. And they don't like it because it's Trump dog,

but Archers are sick. Is that just like a 3D rendering? Yeah. That actually looks cool. It's like, um. Washington's, Square Park. Yes.

I was thinking the St. Louis thing. Oh. That's nicer. It's like, we should be like, if you win, if he wins Iran, you get the arch.

If he doesn't win, he gets the loser arch and they're going to put him up there just going like. Yeah, it's going to be, if he puts himself on the arch, I'm out.

But if the arch is just America's sick, I like it. That'd be tight. Well, he's going to have, his name's going to be somewhere on there. Definitely.

There's no way. There's no way his name's not on it. Yeah, He's going to put that shit on there somewhere. Yeah, but hopefully he puts everyone's right. Now there's like on the while, you know, like Abraham Lincoln has like the Gettysburg address. It'll be one of Trump's speeches.

It'll just be a funny one. She's a fat bitch. Fat bitch, shut up. It'd be nice to have. You remember the LED belt buckles where it was like, and it's like just across the top. It's like all his top insults. Yeah, I mean, you know, I haven't heard much about it. Piggy Arch.

Quiet, piggy. Quiet biggie. Just him as like a cherubic kind of Greek thing and like a pig lady and him being like, yeah, you kind of funny.

The arch is sick. The arch does look sick as fuck. Yeah, it does look nice. And I agree with you. We should start building cool new statues. Yeah.

We do need cool stuff. Yeah. It's tough to agree now. Back in the day, it was like consensus. Like, yeah, throw up a fucking general.

Yeah, now it's like, well, hold on. We should do one of the ladies that clean the mall. And you're like, yeah,

fucking cool. Don't lazy clean the mall statue. Awesome. We're all stoked, obviously. There they are. Yeah. The statue of Sherman and Central Park.

I always go pay homage to it. That's awesome. We need this. Yeah. We used to have cool shit. Yeah. It's so sick. That's tight.

That is great. Some cities still haven't. I wish I knew more about like the, you know, symbology of like horses hooves. Two hooves are up. If it's reared up, like what that means. I like that stuff.

They tell you that at Gettyspring. Yeah. Pretty exciting. But then there's a couple statues that don't follow it. What? Yeah. Knock them down. I agree.

I'm going to topple them. Yes. I'll be out there with ropes. You'll pull them. I'll bring sandals. But yeah, I mean, yeah, again, who knows? I keep, I keep, I'm being, I'm being, uh, every news thing I see. I get the new reality.

Like, we're entering the new reality. We've lost. There's now, horizontal warfare. And it's sort of kinetic phase. Like, dude, shut up. I got to ask to invest in AI. Defense. Oh, yeah.

No. No, no, no. I couldn't do it. Yeah, that would feel. I would have done it, and then they blew up that school of children, and I was like, I can't ever. Yeah. You know how bad I'd feel if I was sitting here, my tidies watching Westerns.

And then it said, breaking. We blew up another school. I wonder if the AI interface is like, 10 bucks off that. When it blows up a school, the screen is like, oops, my bad, you're totally right. That was a girl school. let's recalibrate.

Do you want me to blow up something else? Yeah, it's like Gwyneth Paltrow's voice. Yeah. It's like, so sorry. You're exactly right on that. That was my bad. Wow, I never considered it like that. Thought it was a bunch of dudes in there.

And then when it zooms in, it's flavor, flavor. And it's like, damn. There's a bunch of dead kids. Yeah. Yeah, Bill Burr had a good bit online about human sheep. He's like, they're using the kids as human shields. He's like, yeah, fucking wait. He's like, if I want to beat up my neighbor,

he's holding his baby, it's like, you know, you're going to wait until he's on the grass so I can like flip him down, the baby bounces. I'm just going to blast through the baby's head to hit my neighbor. Burr's back. He came back, dude. Nice. Hard comeback. He's back.

He's 100% full strength. Great. I keep waiting for that rider bag now. It's going to be huge. Dude, wartime ride a bag. You're going to. Riyadh, no, I didn't get offered, but I'm saying wartime. Oh.

It's got to be 3x. Right. Oh, yeah. I don't know what the fuck is called. Oh, that's true. Like for the, for the next year. Next year's Rio.

Next year's Rio, mid war, bro. Ooh, boy. That is. Yeah, there's like, there's like a hazard pay. Hap.

A lot. If I go over there. They're going to need to break out the big saw. This guy's fucking huge. I'm not going. Yeah, I'm curious. Some people will go.

People already went. We'll go back. Because they already withstood the storm. Yeah. But yeah, mid war is crazy, dude. That is a wild one. Midwar will be nuts.

That's like, then you get to feel like 50 cent performing in Iraq during, you know. I mean, it's fake. Yeah, well, that's what I mean. It's like, people who go will be like, yeah, it was pretty crazy over there. It's like, you're not, you're not 50. I'm going to do a thing where I would go like, I'm going to perform for the troops, but then go to the U.S. government and be like, yeah, you got a match Riaz's paid back. If I want me to do it.

That's, because of a $7 trillion dollar. budget. You guys can pay me $2 million. Stop complaining. All right. You'd be funny. That's actually a good idea. Yeah. They might...

Yeah, they would do it. You know, I know somebody who does like technology sales and they said when they deal with the, like, the military. Yeah. There's some weird thing where like they'll order the wrong thing, but if it's on a military base, they have to destroy it matter what. So it's like millions of dollars of my computer equipment.

And since instead of just returning it so it can be reused, they're like, we have to destroy this now. Reorder. It's pretty crazy. It's like nothing they'll be like, dude, whatever is what it is. This is protocol. Yeah, it can't get in the wrong hands. They take it out back and just office space it. They pay the Indian guys. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That the Madagascar thing, you're just living next to a river of shit. Literally a river of sewage. Yeah. And every day is rising. You're like, yeah, it's going to be my. Please fix it. I know that bothered me so much. Yeah. That's it. Don't do anything. else. No soccer today, fellas.

Sandbag day. We're gathering sandbags to put along the shit river. And we're doing that every day until somebody fucking starts digging a trench somewhere. Yeah, they would also like bother because it's like 10 feet, there's a fence

and then there's really nice houses. Yeah, I saw that. They're going to start. Yeah, they're going through that fence. Yeah. After my third summer of the shit flood. and no one's helping with plumbing. Yeah.

It's time to go over the wall. Yeah, it's like there's like a Yeah. Like a Chinese diplomat and his wife. It's like, I'm going to go eat them. Like, I'm pissed off. It's time to fight. Yeah, yeah, that'd be time to infiltrate this.

Do your thing. At least get in the pool. True. Just washing off the ship. At least go pool hopping at night. Get shot. Yeah. Can I just wash the shit off my family, please?

That's all I'm trying to. My family's covered in shit right now. And you have a pool, and I'd like to just wash the shit off me. The chlorine will actually kill the shit. They just need to chlorinate that river. There you go. Oh, nice. That would help.

And then the skimmer. A little bit. Skimmer, yeah. Skim the shim the turds, anything chunky? That's a lot of gators, though. It's like that. That's a gator pool, dude. And once monsoon season comes.

Oh, no. The gators get loose. Super Dome. Yeah, he does. Yeah, that was India was pretty nuts looking. Madagascar was not as bad. India took the cake. That was just dudes in like little, like, tiny courtyards just grinding up plastic.

There's just not a free inch of... No. It's everything is used. Yeah. Noble, but too crowded for me. No, dude, the two go hot curry plastic bags. Oh, I forgot about that. That fucked me up, dude.

There's just 40 bags. There's just 40 bags on the floor. It's just like their ghost kitchens over there. Yeah, true. Just 40 fucking bags of steaming hot curry. It's sort of a bag like this big. It's like a plastic bag and then it's like soup. It's like the hottest soup you've ever seen in your life.

And they just pour it in. And that was a good job. Yeah, true. All these jobs we saw, the guy sitting Indian style. Yeah, true. I am jealous when I see them how they can just chill on a floor like that. I'm like, damn, I can never do.

My hip flex. are way too tight. My head flexors are purely Western from sitting in chairs. Yeah. I like that. Yeah, it's nice to know to be like, I'm not meant for,

I'm supposed to be sitting in a chairman. Yeah, I'm supposed to be sitting in a chair. Someone call it civilized. Yeah. It's an officer's pose. Matt. Sorry. Matt.

Sorry. I'm the only one I know wants to go to India. I want to go. Yeah, while we were watching, Matt was like, I want to go to India. I want to go to India. I think you'd like it spiritually.

Yeah. I think it would be sick. It's supposed to be hit. I think that spirituality would get the fuck out the window and it was 150 degrees. Yeah, I've heard, I have heard people have gone there and it's like, I knew a woman who went there and she said it was like, I was scared.

Yeah. Her friends got off and a dude will just like grab you, like come here. And you're like, give off me. Yeah. And they'll like bully you to stay in a certain hotel and I'm like, where are you going? Like they don't want you. It's fucked up. Yeah, I don't like that. It's really, really, yeah, you get when the bros come. There was one time, there was

a, I think I've talked about this before, but the person I knew was there with her friend. And she said they were looking at a thing. And the tour guy was like, we have to go right now. There's just a pack of dudes in business cash. Like send my on button shirt. Like, yo, we have to leave. These guys are going to rape you.

We have to leave. So I got, but I don't think, I'll think the bros would get me. You need to club. They might be clubbed up too, though. They definitely have clubs. Let me tell you something. Yeah. How can you club?

Damn. Yeah, I remember, like, Dan, that sucks. management meeting coming this way. It's all the guys from the office. I mean, if you get done grinding plastic for 12 hours. That's true. And then you some white bids here on a fucking spiritual

journey. You're going to pay for this. You're going to pay for your choices. You're going to sit like a fucking catcher for 12 hours, dude. Separating plastics into a fucking wood chipper. Yeah. I've taken apart like six engines.

They are killing it on fucking TikTok and, uh, yeah. And the bros are coming up with good shit. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I like that guy. They are very funny. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. You should acknowledge third world privilege. Your videos kind of slap. Yeah. Yeah. If you're third world to get a smartphone, everyone's like,

let me see. I need to see what the hell's going on right now. True. Pretty tight. It is crazy those villages that go from like no electricity, just smartphones. I know. It's just like,

yo, here's, that would be, dude, looking through a screen at like, an upper middle class suburb in New Jersey from the third world

you might be you must just be like dude what the fuck yeah yeah what the fuck is that it's like it's gotta be crazy it probably feels like a hallucination

it really does that's like wait where's your shit river yeah exactly you don't have a shit rivers yeah our shit river runs underground it's like you get an ad

with like a woman in it and then it's just immediately it's like come here yeah I need you here where are you yeah now come yeah it's hard to fight that reserve is a

A Westerner. I know. You understand the technology already. If I just got Instagram and was looking at girls' pictures, I'd be like, come. Yeah. Take your shirt off.

Take your shirt off. I'd make a bird in a mirror, I'd be like, go out to the screw. Let me in. There's like a couple of guys that I used to do open mics with that are like,

they're just American guys, but they're like, they've just lost it. And they're just on Twitter, or it's just women being like, you know, here's a workout thing. And just,

good morning, hi. There's one where it's like, I took a picture of it. There's a lady. It's like, you're trying to fuck this thick shit with a little dick. And then he's like,

good morning. Hi, it's me. I just followed up on Twitter. And he just used to, I don't know. Yeah. Good morning.

My algorithms, yeah, I'm getting the hot babes again. Yeah. And I'm getting. so good. It's like geogessor. I'm good. I can see the background of a hot chick's picture and be like she's in the Gold Coast Australia. What? I just don't know about British. Ooh, Nashville. I mean, they're only in five spots. Yeah, Miami, Nashville, L.A., Australia, and what was the other one?

I just said? England's tossing something. Nashville. Yeah, England. Yeah, they can toss some babes out. Very classical babes. London's like a fashion capital too. Yeah. New York, New York babes out. That's where... Yeah. But they're more like... They're more stylish. Yeah, true. I'm talking about the... I can hit with a super stylish babe. Miami Tens. Nashville Tens. Bro.

Australia 10. Australia Tens are wild. I had a super stylish babe. Get into my elevator today. I just... Dude, for real. Like, phrasy, poignant, super shoes. Weird, tight, butt loose. Dress pants smelled like absolute heaven. Yeah. She came in.

I just looked at the... floor. I literally looked at the floor. I just went. I know. It's how you can do it. It was really. I just wanted to excuse me. I just, I'll just skip my were you dirty when she got in the elevator? Huh? Were you dirty when that happened? Yeah, I was fucking looked like this. I was covered in dirt

and she walked in that way. You literally were a peasant. Yeah. In the fields. Didn't even usually, usually I'm like pretty, you know, you guys see me work on the elevator. I'm usually just, I can't help. I'll riz up. I'm risen nonstop. You're happy to chat in the Vader. I'm happy to chat in the Vader.

Yeah. When it's just me and a person, I was just dirty in the elevator and I was just not even going to try to riz you up at all. Yeah. It's not like I just, you know, chat. I'm not, I'm not. Of course. I'm just, you know, but you got to say I'm not a jackass.

No, I'm not. I'm not saying, I'm not a jackass. I was like, yeah, hell yeah. That's good. Now I like that. I was there being a jackass. I'm not being a jackass on the elevator. I'm just saying about. These guys saw the lady, lady was risen me up a little bit in the elevator. Whoa. Were you there? I don't know if you guys were there.

Lemares there. Yeah. I have a couple of elevator buddies. That's great. What fucking elevators are you guys on? It's in my office apartment. Oh. So when we do the podcast there, I'll bring the team.

I bring the team there. My elevator buddy, see my team. Yes. So I chat me up. That's true. Yeah. Oh, God. Yeah.

Yeah. Lord knows what you're doing. I know. We just scream and shout. You know, F, man. Maybe they could. I've thought about it before. They might like and subscribe.

Yeah, next time we had the cams in my elevator with my elevator buddies. Call me Anaconda. Yo, Anaconda, where do we go to the cams? Yeah, yeah, chill, chill, chill, chill, I'm with my elevator. Not right now. Don't fucking... Mr. Anaconda. Anaconda squares.

I usually can raise with the best of them in the elevator, but I was so dirty. And this lady just came on. And she was, like, mean, too. She came on at a mean face And I was one of them Just gonna look down Yeah, a lot of those fashion babes are mean Yeah, she was a mean babe dude

Very pointy, sharp features I went nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, Myvlonful life, you are not Not my squad. Yeah, septum pierce babes, not my squad either We rarely get along. I agree. Rarely, dude.

I only really run into them at, while they're bartending. Yeah. And they're the meanest. Yeah, dude, they're fucking mean as hell. Mean as hell that you already know they're gonna be like, it's like, all right.

bro. Take that shit out of your fucking pick a side. Pick a fucking side, dude. What the fuck is this? Take it out. Take it out right now. Pissing me off. I know you complain on TikTok or whatever. That's all you get that and you're like, shut up.

A lot of bartenders film their shifts now. You know that? They film them and they time lapse them. It's a big thing. Damn. Day in life and it's just like, it's me the whole time. Yeah, yeah.

Do they? That's crazy. Yeah, you were telling me that. You can't fucking live stream at a bar. That's not fair. Yeah. It's supposed to be a safe haven for saying stuff. Yeah, for real.

You're supposed to say the worst things there. I would like... Speaking of, dude, the guys saying, when they're wrongfully caught saying the wrong things, this Donald Sterling thing's been making me laugh. What happened? It's just an old...

The thing he said during his deposition, well, whatever, I'll try to find. But he's like, when a beautiful woman hits on me and sucks on me, and it lets me know she cares about me and the limo driver, and I get in a limo and she gets naked and starts sucking my toes and sucking on me. And I say, thank you for making me feel good. And then the next line in the deposition is like, the question was, is that your handwriting? Pretty classic, dude. That's awesome.

He's gone, dude, I like to get sucked in limos. Suck it on me. I get sucked on the limo on the way to Mr. Coon's house. Yeah, it's Mr. Coon's house. He's gone to. What was he the deposition for? Probably getting caught saying the N-word. I don't even think he said the N-word.

He just said, he didn't even say the N-word, dude. He didn't want his lady. Post and Pitchie. Yeah, that's what it was. He said, don't post pictures with him. As fellas. I look, I never said that. I never said nothing was wrong with him.

Say he's innocent. I've been, I've been, I've, I said that when I was a kid. I was like, he's taking pictures with other dudes, like, that's a no-go. Yeah. And they're basketball players. And it's court side that without him. Yeah. He's like, look, you can take him with the games. I don't care if you

hang out with him. Stop fucking posting pictures. I think he even said, I don't care if you fuck him. I think he was like, I don't even care if you have sex with him. Just stop. He was getting his balls broken, dude. Yeah. Your wife's saying out of Mr. Anaconda again. Every day. Posting a picture of Mr. Anaconda. If you were like a 70-year-old white guy,

It does kind of suck if your wife's constantly taking pictures with giant black guys. He's getting ribbed. That's the thing. He's like, I'm getting ribbed. Yeah. Stop. It's like, yeah, everywhere I turn, people are like, I get out of the limo of Mr. Coonshouse. It's like, your wife is...

Yeah. But he was just getting his feet and donks sucked in the limo. True, that's true. So that probably also bothered him too. Everyone was like, you're a fucking cuck. And he's like, bro, I'm getting so much pussy. He's so much, what are you talking about? I'm cucking hurt.

So stop fucking talking to me. like that. It's also funny because you know he like really, he was like, all right, I got a sensitive subject, how do my brooches? He's probably practicing in the limo. He's getting like his feet sucked. He's like, I'll be like, I don't have anything against black guys. Just chill with the picks, all right? Yeah. Just a weird

look for me. How do you think? Put me yourself in my shoes. Yeah. Did he, did he ever go to the games? Or did he just like, I'm not sure. He just owned the team. Probably chilled outside. Yeah. Sucked. It sucked in the limo. Wow. Yeah, he's like, yeah, the clippers aren't very good. He's getting slop. I've been saying it. They're good. You got to bring limos back. Nobody rides in limos anymore. I know it's it it is like

nobody does. I was just talking with somebody. Yeah, they look like silly now. It's a little crazy. They're funny. They're funny. They're so funny. Limos. Limos. But you could get them. It'd be sick to bring them back. I know. Just chilling a limo. Phone in the limo. I need a new car. I might go just a limo and drive. The limo. He's just fucking trying to parallel park. He's pulling stretch hover into Whole Foods. Oh, he said worse things that you thought.

Oh, no. Hold on. Let's go over it. Because I thought the gist of it was like, come on, chill. That's what I thought it was, too. It starts with, don't bring black people and don't come to my games. He told her as one of them because she recorded all. She did sneak.

That's the part to buy me too. Well, that was also a little annoying. She sneaky recorded them in his house, which is, that's not fair. But it also says it bothers me that you want to promote broadcast that you're associating with black people. which that was kind of rough. I didn't know you. All right, never mind.

Yeah. Hold on. Let's go ahead and take that one back. I support them and getting food and closing cars and houses. I guess he's talking about owner. Was he goofing? Because sometimes white fellows, we say goofing things. If I remember right, his tone in this wasn't never a goof. It was kind of a pleading tone.

Like, come on, babe. If I remember hearing the audio. So he probably was like, he would probably be genuine. But how old was he? How old was he? Yeah, I think he's like 80. 70 or 8? It's so funny.

It's so funny to own the team. You know what I mean? You own it. It's like, yeah, it was just a bad job to have for what he was saying. Yeah.

Wait, he's still alive? Yes, he's 92. He's still alive. Yeah, he was basically telling you his wife, like you don't get high off your own supply. Also, you own the team. It's like, bro, don't be fucking...

He was courtside. He was at the games. Don't be, you know, you have them weak in the knees That's true Damn And he had a I think

I mean she's something Oh yeah She's a Vista Vianno Yeah She's Actually don't know But she's not a She's not a white lady

Looks like an ex Yeah he's like Upgraded too Yo You had the supermodel Yeah I mean if you have the supermodel You got to let your supermodel Just do supermodel stuff dude

You can't be like Hey Yeah I feel like Like at that point, it's like, that's what those guys do. He should just got into it. That's what I'm saying. He should have been like, I think he probably was into it.

But just was like, he didn't fucking take pictures. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I see. He just didn't want it to be public. Yeah, he probably wasn't. Yeah. He probably was fucking 80. Right. True. All right. We could be the only way. We gotta go to the page. Oh, yeah. We got a nice one.

Let's talk Rome. Let's go Rome. I got a lot of stuff. I got to pee. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's secret podcast on Spotify. it.