Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 619 - Plus-Sized Problems (feat. Nate Marshall & Lemaire Lee)

Episode Date: June 11, 2026

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Support the P*nty Boys @ https://www.patreon.com/pitm Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Go See Lemaire Lee Live @ https://lemairelee.fun/ Go See Shawn Gardini Live if you want  @  https://www.shawngardini.com/live Y0o0o0o. The Big Kahuna is in NYC so we got the broz for you. Nate and Lemorp Joe. Hot cast as per usual. Hope you're all having a good week. Please enjoy. God Bless. Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/DRENCHED and use code DRENCHED and get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Wow, Wow, Wes. Can we get some more A review? You want some AC? It's just a bit. I want to see you sweat. I want to see you sweat. Oh, just kicked on. Just kicked on.

Oh, hell yeah. Just kicked on every, I'm guessing. If I had to guess, I'm guessing the temperature set at 75. No. I've had to guess. I keep it a little at 74, I think. I keep it a little high. Very good guess.

I keep it a little warm for the plants. I have plants. I don't want to get chilly and frio in here. Freeo. Dude, I just saw, I just saw a thing. I don't know. I don't think it'll break into mainstream news, but apparently this guy was,

he had like a plus size appreciator community and he called it Paradise, like pear. It's like pear-shaped. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Paradise. Love it. But apparently all wasn't well in Paradise. Apparently he was getting a little handsy. So he had set up this like community

where plus-sized women could just be comfortable and chill and pulls in their bikinis. And I think he was getting a little handsy. I feel like there's been trouble in Paradise. I feel like that's what they signed up a paradise for. Well, it was his paradise. Oh, just him and babes? I don't know.

I saw a second and I just thought it was so funny that he had started Paradise. And then the starter of Paradise, allegedly, it's coming out that he might have been engaging in some unsavory practices. Oh, he definitely might get my gut. You come out with Paradise? You know it with Paradise. By Paradise. Yeah. I mean, he was King of.

of the fats. Yeah. He was king of the fats. He set it up where he was like, yeah, I think it's important. We all, my paradise would be spelled

with pog first. Poggedice. Pogadice. But imagine if you, imagine if you were the god of Pogadais. How long could you keep that chill of like, I just think it's really great that you guys all came out here and you're feeling. Then you get in the pool.

The pool is my drool. Damn, just you doing chicken fights against Pogs. Although you'd have to build a lot. the quads up, dude. Yeah. No, dude. I'm,

you can't, you can't let a pog feel you go, at all. They would never do. You can't struggle. And you can't, dude,

it's, have you ever, have you ever, like, had a chick, be like, pick me up, and you pick them up,

and you go, uh, never once. You can't, you got to throw all your bodybuilding training out of the window and just be like, you got to act like you're just like lifting air.

You got to hit a full ground squat. You got to go, when a lady asked me to pick them up, I go, no. No. It's like Planet Fitness You need the lunk alarm

When you pick up a big lady You can't lump You cannot lunk You cannot lunk dude Well the problem is Babes watch all these viral challenges We're like look he picked up his whole family With one arm

And it's like dude Get the fuck out of here with that I was gonna bring up that You saw that new challenge I've seen all of them dude I've seen the guy just carrying a lady Like up steep stairs On his shoulders

Yeah there's a lot of challenges A lot of lady carrying challenges My thing is like, ladies, chill. You don't want it. You don't want the truth. You don't want to hear your guy go. All the steps. Fuck.

Dude, we threw my fucking back out. They're not going to feel good after that. Fucking MCL. Yeah, your knee goes. You power through, but your knee just goes. That's how you get trouble in paradise. Once we start being like, can you carry me up the steps? We like, we haven't bit the apple.

We're good. We're chill. Put on the leather weightlifting belt. Put on my knee braces. You hit the chalk. Chalk my hands. Yeah, I would love to know what the starting level of the pool at Paradise was before the babes got in and it just... Oh, no.

It rose. It's like a glass with ice cubes in it. Let's get the fucking rundown on Pear. What do you see, Sean? I mean, I was deep in the fucking news trying to find shit to talk about. I was like, I'm almost positive. Nobody knows about Paradise. Oh, here we go.

Paradise is an online body positive. I can also produce a podcast. Paradise is an online body positive community for plus size women that devolved into severe allegations of manipulation, exploitation and coercive dynamics centered in Las Vegas run by creator Stefan Wilhelmie, the group of subject of the television documentary Big Girls

Wanted Escaping Paradise. Well, that's got to go on my list. I think that's on Netflix. Big girls want it. It looks like it's an ABC. ABC, bro. It's an ABC doc. Disney plus. That's going to be real matter of fat. Well, I mean, you know, these

networks, if you boil it down to dollars, like, you know, these like tell all investigative journalism documentary where like here's a villain and here's like how it worked out. There's teams looking for these things. So that's on HBO Max. Hell yeah.

That's going to be a good. Escaping paradise is going to be a good one. Yeah. Especially if you have a BBW yourself and you go, I can't believe he mistreated them. God damn. Maybe I would never be. I would never.

I got entrusted of all these plus size angels. It is, it is funny you're saying it would be like when you put a lot of ice cubes in a glass and it just like it's overflows. also imagine getting the wave pool going in the pool you get the fucking get you got the you got the way you got the rafts you start getting the waves

all your beautiful pairs of just bouncing around you just stand on the side like my thing is like what happened I would know what happened yeah I want to know what happened dude what happened in paradise couldn't keep throwing anymore

I mean dude I saw the like the clips and it is just it's big babes and bikinis in the pool. Like, I don't know, I don't want to talk. I don't want to talk. Pon. Yeah, yeah. Huge. I'm sure there were there. They're hefty babes. They're hefty babes. Yeah. That's the thing too. Yeah.

Let me see if I can find, dude, there. I just saw a little bit. Obese babes. You get two big, giant babes laying next to each other tanning. Like, think of how nice will it feel to just lay across both of them. Like a dog bang, babe. I'm talking purely

tactile. Imagine in the pool. There's I don't know, nine plus. size babes. Two of them kind of sandwich you for just a second. That's like a Frankenstein machine. You'd be like, I need to get back in between whatever that space was. I was in. I need to get back in there.

Just the feel of being like, oh, my God. Yeah. I'm surrounded by babe. It's like a whole body orgasm. You just get completely squished and fat. I don't know. I'm surrounded by jelly. Yeah.

But like baby, Joey. Yeah. What do you say? Is it bad? I don't know. Well, I don't want to be rude. So, but the babes in paradise, I think pear is sort of a pear shape. Kind term.

They're more like cum quots or animals. Comquots are tiny. Oh, really? Comquots are tiny. Maybe like a mango. You think it's mango dice or you think it's watermelon dice? It might be watermelon. I was going to say from the artwork I saw, these are.

Not to be mean. These might be plus plus. Yeah, yeah. They're big babes. Let's be honest. SBBW. Huh? SBBW.

The Super Fats. Super BBW. It might be SBBW. My thing, I'm body pause. It's, I think it's going against body pause. It's trying to say pairs.

I'm with you, Sean. Be like the merely pear-shaped. That's like mom. That's like frumpy mom where it's like, oh, yeah,

I had a couple kids, paired out. These are big, beautiful women. Yeah. That's when I'm saying I'm getting trapped between them in a pool.

That's good. Sad I, dude, you might want to pitch this Netflix, dude. I don't even fucking know, but like, you know the movie heavyweights? Yes. You do it, but with this. BBW? Yeah, BB Dubs. Paradise. Paradise, dude. But what would the challenge be? A bunch of skinny

ladies trying to get lifted by the boyfriends? The movie heavy weights. And then I, through my training regimen, lift all the fattest women ever make their day. Yeah. And I become the king of paradise. Yeah. You're the major My wife is cool with it because I'm being body paws. Babe, I'm being fucking body paws. I have to lift these fat women for the

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clicking through slides, scrolling spreadsheets? Yes? Good. This is for you. Because on Spotify, there's an audience that's different, locked in, loyal, invested. They're called fans. Fans don't just listen to music. They feel seen by it like it belongs to them.

So when your brand shows up on Spotify, that's who you're talking to. And you're right next to artists like me, Lizzo. So, are you ready to talk to fans? Spotify advertising. You're among fans. But yeah, Paradise. I mean, God damn, the guy thought he was starting something nice. Yeah. That was his Neverland Ranch.

But you do it in the woods. It is kind of a bad look. You said it's in the woods, right? You're talking to Paradise. Paradise is in Las Vegas, bro. Oh. Oh. Oh. The website is. Well, maybe I shouldn't say this, but the website is still a lot. up. Yeah, for sure.

I just saw it. Paradise website still up? Yeah, my man had the, my mom, my man had the wag you in the pool. He had the wag you. A5, you, buttery salt.

Melted his mouth. You're kidding me. Man. Well, there's a problem. You haven't seen the doc? It could be like horrific. It could be horrific.

I mean, he could have been baking them. True, true. There could be some disappeared. I mean, who needs sun, tan? Yeah, he's could have like, who needs sunspray? There's a section addressing the allegations on the Paradise Official website, Paradise.net. And it says, you came here after hearing or reading some negative things.

When adults interact, misunderstandings can happen. For a detailed timeline, documentation, and context, see the full allegations page. So they have a page dedicated to their... See the full... Allegations, baby. So it's like about us, contact allegations of sexual and misrepresent. It's not a good sign. Privacy policy, contact us, allegations.

Can you look at Paradise on Google review? Because that might have, or like on Google, that might have ratings. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Let me see. I'm going to try to do paradise. Although there's a lot of paradise events. Oh, it is LLC.

where was this snowy photo doesn't look like Vegas to me Texas there's a Paradise events in Texas What? Oh my franchise Portos Yeah

flautas Let's say Paradise Las Vegas Because you ever like See the Google reviews On stuff That shouldn't have Google reviews Yeah

Paradise Lost Pricly Paradise Quilt's What the hell It's not on Google Review Damn Dang Yeah but they have the allegations

page here and what's he claiming how many allegations this page exists to collect a relevant timeline public context selected materials and documented records relating to the allegations made about the founder stephan will helmy first name's a paradise in the paradise is not a creep name stephan erkel dude that was the best that's cool urkel that's the goal that's that's cool erkle it's not to attack uh in flame attack or make conclusions for the reader it's intended to present

a documented account organized chronology so that interested readers can review the available materials and form their own understanding. Okay, so what the fuck? Does this guy have fucking receipts or not? That's how it's the receipts page. He was a screenshot of a text.

You got to get a true crime podcast. You got a good true crime voice. You got to, he has a really good true crime voice. I appreciate. Is there any juicy deeds? That's what I need. I'm sifting through the deeds during us. It's been going on,

um, 2020. Let me sift through it and jump back in. But yeah, I thought you guys might enjoy the fact that they were trouble in paradise. Dude, I, uh,

I'm, I'm trying to escape paradise myself. I've been, I've been in a month, I've been in a challenge with two of my friends where it's, as many, you're tracking on the Apple Watch, whoever burns the most calories by the month of June wins.

Yeah. I'm up to, I'm nine days in and I've burned. I think, 11,000 calories and nine days. Dude, it's, first of all,

you would think I would, like, it's so hard to get rid of fat. Yeah, yeah. Like I've, I've been to the point where like, I really,

like, I need to chill. Like, I'm getting, I feel like ill right now. I've worked out so much. You tell me, shred.

The shrub, that's what I'm saying, give me the shred. Where's the shred? Dude, it takes to lose a pound of fat. It takes like, I think, like,

4,000 calories. Yep, 1,000 calories. You know, it takes to burn 4, 4,000, calories. Yeah. If you were to run...

My record on the elliptical is like 500. Huh? So my record on the elliptical is like 500. 500. Dude, if you were to run hard and like give it your all, you might burn 500 calories. Yeah. That's insane.

You need to burn 3,500 more calories. You'd have to do, what is that? Six all out running sessions to try to fight down one pound while not taking in enough food to offset that. Such fucking. bullshit. Yeah, that stinks. Such fucking bullshit.

What do you fucking laughing at? Do you think Paradise is funny? No, no, no. I just wanted to clarify that so the allegations were made by a TikToker named Piggy Star Dust, which was fucking dare. Oh, no.

Got me to Star Dust TikTok. I'm sorry, guys. Fired up. Stefan is suing Piggy for libel, slander, and defamation. So I wanted to clarify that everything we've said on this broadcast is alleged. Legend for sure. An opinion.

Opinion of Piggy Star Dust. Right. What we got with Piggy? Well, she's 29, non-binary, ASD, parent of a peace sign, BLM, Transl Lives Matter, LGBTQ Plus. Okay, I can see this lady. She's on those epic now.

She's not as fan. Yeah, that's fucking pissing me off, dude. His body paws. That's why she's about he kicked out the club and turned off. Ooh, villain move. Fuck. So she went. Yes, sir.

Oh, boy. The lady looks like. Hit him, Mike. Sorry. Give it. Oh, man, I don't give a fuck about this lady's car. Jesus Christ. I thought you didn't update me on Paradise.

Just want you to let you guys know, I have a car now. I'm going to go back. It's 2020, right? Piggy Stardust. Is she still even Piggy Stardust or she just started us? It's a Miss. It's Miss Stardust. It's Marjorie Marie.

Well, to get so fat. It becomes your identity. It's so funny. It's called me piggy. Is that, is that. one have no plus I mean I you know well she's not plus size anymore she's not worried about it I don't think

what the hell yeah I'm trying to get crazy to drop into fucking paradise and just that's crazy there are screenshots attached to the oh no conversations and messages with Alexandria pork chop Gillen they got good

they got really good names there's camera footage so basically I think you put all of his court evidence on the website on the allocations page. Trying to say it's Paradise. China Yates, Brian Preserve Paradise. It's a little Margaritaville.

So, but that babe was after him, but then she, Ozempicked, does seem like a, I mean, given the tags you gave me on her profile, seems like she's kicking up dust online every one again. She's a dust kicker.

A bit of a dust kicker. Septim Pearson, I've always said, I never get, I rarely, I should say, rarely get along with septum piercers. And she had like a big septum pierce. Like it wasn't like a little. It was the bigger it is. The least we get along, dude. It was like full hoop ring. Like it was hoop earring. I don't know what it is, dude.

Our, I'm just not aligned. Every time. And I have nothing, I have nothing against them. It's just every time I like I didn't like the way it looks sometimes, but it's always a tax. I don't. That's my buddy. That's because you know it's the it's an op. I know it lays underneath. It looks like the enemy flag. They have the opposite values. Like almost completely. Athian. Yeah. I like,

don't care about family. True that. I like a little nose ring here. Yeah. Ally. As soon as I see the septum, I'm like, we're going to have a problem.

You're not going to fight. We are going to battle. Literally, we are. We're unaligned on every single thing you can possibly imagine. I saw some of you guys hear about what's happening with CBS. No.

They fired, um, uh, Chris, he was the anchor for their like news show. I don't, I think it was actually. actually 60 minutes. It was the anchor for 60 minutes. They fired him. Chris? Who the fuck is Chris?

Crawley or something? I can't remember. What's her name? Lindy, Barry Weiss. I remember that lady. She, she runs CBS now. What? Yeah. And she fired, she's fired. She's trying to make CBS sellable. And they hired her because. I'm going to sell it to fucking like BuzzFeed. Paramount. Oh. Yeah. There's a company called Scott. That's why Kobe got fired. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Because he called them out for, for, uh, for was bribing Trump so that Skydance can buy Paramount. Wait, who bribed Trump?

Skydance, the company. For... So they can buy Paramount because Trump's in charge of the FCC. And they want to try to keep it away from being a monopoly. Oh, okay. And they fired Colbert because he was yapping.

And they kept saying he didn't make any money, which doesn't make any sense. They sold his spot to Byron Allen. So like now the 11 o'clock spot is a paid spot for Byron Allen. He's paying. Who is Byron Allen? I saw that guy He took over Colbert's spot.

Comic Unleashed. He owns the Weather Channel. Yeah, he's like a comic channel. Oh, what? That guy owns the Weather Channel. He owns the Weather Channel. Bro, I heard that guy owns the Weather Channel. I kind of love that.

Yeah. I go from just doing a stand-up to you own the weather channel. I didn't know who Byron Allen was. And then someone who was just telling me the comics and leech guy owns the weather channel. I was like, what a fucking beast? They have the foresight to buy the Weather Channel. It's worth nothing. Yeah.

Yeah. And now. So what's he talking about? Is he talked weather? It's just comics unleashed. She just does a show. It's like an old show he brought back. I want to see him talking about weather on there.

I'm going to get. Brian Allen doing out Roker. Well, dude, I mean, I believe it that a lot of people weren't watching Stephen Colbert. I think a lot of people are watching. Really? I don't think so. And then even if they're watching it there, they're making money off the YouTube, off the Twitter. That's right.

YouTube's always. Yeah. Because that's what I'm saying. Those late night shows, I don't think that many people tune in. then the clips online do well. Yeah. But even still, though, I don't think it, like, like, how much, do they have, like, the, whatever they, they definitely probably have the.

Yeah, what were the, I don't, I don't think they were great. I mean, I'm sure people watch, but like. But, like, what's great on TV right now? Nothing. Everything's streaming. Yeah. If you were to be, if you were to challenge me to try to find and watch Stephen Cole or any show like that at nighttime.

Yeah. It would take me an hour to research and figure out how to even see it. Like actually on TV All you gotta do is go like this. Yeah, but how do you get the channel? I don't have a comp. I don't have fucking cable. Yeah, right, dude.

So it's like, I wouldn't even, I couldn't even tell you how to watch that. I was trying to get the Spurs game when we were watching, when we were doing stand-up this weekend. Like, that took me. Yeah. That was tough.

Yeah, Disney, apparently, since I have Disney, I was able to. But then they put on YouTube TV and it worked. It was everything. Yeah, Disney. Pretty much does. Yeah, what, let me see. What was,

Colbert's ratings. I don't, you know, I'm nothing against the guy. I just, I don't think they were, I don't think anyone watches, except for geysers. His finale recorded a series high of 6.74 million. Well, shut the fuck up. Live plus same day viewers. What's the average, though? The average, let me look that up. If it's less than two million, go ahead, cancel it. But if it's more than that, you think less than two is still cancelable? Yeah. Like, what if it's like 1.5? I know, it's pretty good. Yeah, actually, if it's less than 1, it's canceled. My thing is if you have a YouTube thing, if you're doing a meal,

I mean, instantly take it back. If that's the case, I thought it was like a thousand people watching. Because I don't know a single person who stays up and watches any late night show. I don't know a single person has been like, I was watching this last night on TV at 11 p.m. So are they including web views with that too? I'm probably like, I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

But it says his average, his average viewers per night hovered around 2.5 million. That's good. He shouldn't be canceled. Yeah. That's pretty good. Yeah. It's the scam.

He's getting fucking. Well, even if you had it, if you had a thing on YouTube that had 700,000, you know, views every week, you can still make a lot of money. Every day. Every day is crazy. Yeah. Because Colbert's on every day. Yeah, you're right.

That's pretty nuts. I had no idea that viewership was still rocking that hard. Yeah. And then he got fucking, yeah, everyone lied. And he probably still had YouTube money because I think they do show like clips on YouTube money coming in. Big time. I thought for sure it was in like, honestly, like tens of thousands.

Like, no, dude. So he was, it's good background noise shit. Like, I used to walk dogs. I would put on like, I would put on whatever that, that kind of shit. That's crazy. For nothing or Rogan or just. That's good to sleep too. For sure.

No, dude. I, like, I listen to like AI slop when I go to sleep. I got tricked. I didn't know. I'd watch these videos on YouTube. It's like fall asleep to all of St. Augustine's writings ever. And I just put it on.

I pass out. And then I looked it up. I'm like, this is all fucking AI. It's just an AI summary. Some guy gave an AI voice. I was like, God damn it. I'm getting tricked by AI Slop. If you invest your time in making AI slop, there's bags to be made.

It just doesn't feel good. Yeah, he doesn't. Videos get like 30, they get hundreds of thousands of views. And I looked it up in the very end of the thing. And it was like generated by AI, blah, blah, blah. Because you can get, you could, I can do it right now. I can be like, hey, write up a summary of any historical figure. And then he feed it to another one.

Like, hey, do like get like a nice voice acting or voice. And then it's like, bam, you have a fucking dude. They just get it to clip whatever visuals you want to be in there. Yeah. Yeah, you make one where you make the thing and then you go to one where you're like, review this and then you go to one where you're like, let's do the audio. Yeah. No, I got, as I was listening, I'm like, man, this guy knows his stuff.

Then I read the description. I was like, mother freaker. There is something about it that I really, I don't know. When I hear it, I'm like, it makes me not want to listen to them. Not even on like a, you know, like moral thing. Like this is wrong. I just go like something about it bothers me. It feels wrong.

You know, it feels like when I play the computer in a video game and I'm like, why am I doing this? I'm playing the fucking computer. I'm playing against the computer. And I go, this is dumb. I feel, I just feel so alone. That's what it is.

I feel so lonely. I go, man, I'm fucking. Do you know, if you're averaging 2.5 million viewers a day, that's bigger than like every big TV show. No, apparently not. Because they, what are the other ones?

They didn't cancel. It's not bigger than Gutfeld. You. The thing about that is Gutfeld's at a different time slot. It's earlier. He's in prime time. PM, yeah.

But he averages 3.3 mil. He's the highest average. Dude, 700. They're still, though, like. Colbert was averaging 2.5 million and Gutfeld's 3.3. That's what the Google says. They're like right there.

They're neck and neck. Kimmel. That's almost a mill, but still close. Like, it's still, neither one is cancelable. Neither one is cancelable. I'm still in all. that there's a million people watching either of these shows. I think it's...

I mean, it could be 100% of the viewership in New York City. You still have, like, leftover people. I bet it's the same people watching both. No way. To get the fuck out of here with that. I bet there's some crossover. You think my parents stop watching Gutfeld and talk... You're out of your fucking...

Reverse. That's not happening either. Just motherfucker has to say. Absolutely not even happening. They don't even know it's on. Then, dude. If you watch Gutfeld, you don't even... You probably have a...

seen Stephen Colbert in years. And that's 2.5 million separate people who could like who just got fucked for no reason. They're gonna watch Byron now. They're gonna go get Byron They're gonna go to fucking Kimmel. Byron's falling out. The

standup in a big drop in viewership since Byron has taken over. Yeah. Because it's just the standup now. Because it's comics unleashed. Nobody wants to watch that shit. But it's like he pays, he knows he has to pay for the spot. He's paying for the spot. Bros, we know are on the show.

And we don't want to watch them. Oh, so it is said, I thought it was stand-up interviewed, but it's not that. No, it's like, well, all right, wait, here it is. He's like, Matt, I hear you got some children. Ah, yeah. Like, that's all the show is. And then you got you do bits, basically. Yeah.

I hear you, I hear you don't want mixed kids. Norm. Norm, yeah, Brian, you're so good at this. How'd you even know? Norm McDonald famously said, comics unleashed i've never seen comedians more leashed but uh kimmel and in colbert apparently had had been going back and forth kimmel averages around 2.5 mil yeah so now he'll probably take over yeah but uh jimmy fowlin he's he's struggling

yeah foul dog struggling he's at 1.3 mil he's uh he's a million under each of them for Yeah, you need to put Seth Myers in that spot. Seth Myers average is about the same. They should really think about doing something completely. They should just kill a late night talk show and come up with something totally different. Yeah, podcasts on Netflix. Yeah.

Or most extreme challenge. That's such a better thing to end the day with. You don't want to watch net, you don't want to watch politics before you go to bed. It's the worst. You want to watch Chinese guys jump over logs. And they get like, yes, I can do it in it. Then you fall asleep.

Are you talking MXC? Yeah. The most extreme challenge? Yeah, dude. I love it. We can do MXC, dude. MXC. I actually, I have a proposition for you guys.

I think now that I'm on my fitness journey where I'm again burning the most calories a month. I'm on part of burn 37,000 calories this month. God damn, dude. Yeah. I've been rocking and rolling. But I think now we should do a presidential fitness challenge between you guys. You three should do presidential fitness challenge.

Winner gets a thousand bucks. Ooh. Damn it. Ooh. I did. You have two weeks to prepare. I can't run. I'm not going to.

Is it just a mile? It's my, I don't have to look it up. I might, I don't have to look at the thing. Mayo 100 push up. Shuttle run, right?

Shuttle run. Yeah, you got to run. Pull-ups. Whoever wins is, it's going to be scored. We can even set different metrics. You can do swim,

bike, run. I can't do pull-ups. I can't swim. Where's the strength stuff at? Where's the like lifting and throwing? I can lift and throwing. We can lift and throw a lot. We can definitely set up parameters.

I can push, I can pull, I can lift, I can throw. Actually, I can push, I can lift, I can throw. It should be, in my opinion, scrap presidential. It should be strength, speed, endurance. Ooh, I think you got the doors. You got the doors. I got endurance here. I ain't never going to quit.

I'll die out there. I'll die. I'm on my Mr. B shit right now. I was laughing about a fitness challenge being the three of you. be funny. I would do that. I would do that, but I don't think I'd be very good. That's the whole point. That's humor.

Watching Lamar's sink mid-lap would be nice. Nate's ass sticking up. I'm going to blow up my knees. The swimming race would be the, dude, swimming's so fucking hard. If you have it, like, swam race and you try it, it looks insane. I think I could.

I might start the scrapyard for fitness challenges. Dude, it's completely unprepared. I'm like, all right, let's race. Did you see the scrap yard guy? Yeah. Shut up the cast. Oh, yeah. Station White.

Shout out gas station white. Gas Station White. You lost to the guy, though. He'd feel the endorse challenge. He didn't know he's on the bruce. I'm saying, dude. That guy, solo, the guy he fought in that video, he always does. He just gets, he's drunk in every video.

Really? He just gets beat up and head kicks the guy. And they're like, I'm done. I can't fight this guy anymore. He just kicked the shit out of me. Yeah, like every video. He was throwing a spitting back fist. He was just doing shit.

Hold on back to your guys' race. Don't change you so, Jen. African-American. I think it'd be fun. I think it'd be fun. Yeah. I think it'd be a lot of fun. It'd be a hoot, dude.

You have to think about it. But it was always my least favorite week in Jim. What? The test week. Oh, the test. I used to do as low as possible because I thought it was funny. I would hold, I was hanging from the pull-up bar and go, eh.

And then I'd walk. as slow as I could for the wrong here. Like, dude, this is as best as I can do. My teacher gets so fucking bad. Dude, I says, as far as I can get. The teachers were alive for me. They'd be like seven minutes. Oh, that's 12.

Yeah. I remember I clocked like a 24 minute mile and the guy was so mad. I was like, dude, I'm out of breath. What do you do? I think I remember mine, I just blew like I sprinted as fast as I could the first lap and then just with gas.

Then just walked for five. It was like six laps total. I got walked. and good lap. I would hit the straightaway is pretty hard and then the fucking curves and like

hard with some regular circle just oh I should say my straightaway was probably like 20 seconds each but that circle was like a minute

Hey guys let's take a quick break from the show for a special segment called more or less presidential fight night edition brought to you

by prize picks on June 14th some of the biggest names in MMA are headed to the White House and you can make your MMA picks on prize picks. And to celebrate this historic card,

prize picks is dropping a Sugar Sean O'Malley discount, which means less strikes still cash. Okay. But let's put the gloves on. Who's winning in the South Lawn? We're putting the gloves on to talk

about who's winning in the South Lawn. Matt, I'm looking at the card right now And it's it's a lot of these fights are pretty one side I'll tell you what do you mean Diego Lopez beats Steve Garcia You think that? Yeah, Bo Nickle, Kyle Dawkins I think Kyle Dawkins beats Bo Nickle because he's buns

Marisio Rufi versus Michael Chandler Rufi wins because Michael Chandler always lets everyone down Josh Hoaxis versus this is the truth Josh Hokic versus Derek Lewis Derek Lewis beats Josh Hokic I might disagree with you Well, I'm telling you, Derek Luce. Ooh, the gloves are on.

The Black Beast wins because of racism. Sean O'M Allen loses. Hold on. Tell you. What? Why do you think? Josh Hocke had just beat Curtis Blades in one of the best fights of the year. By, because of you.

Price picks. Price picks. Didn't want to have like a broken leg or something or broken hands? I don't know. I'll take the gloves off. I'll just let you. Put the gloves off. The gloves are off.

You can't attack him on us. I'm telling you, dude. Hokic. Hokic losing. Derek Luce is going to win this. Hokic's losing. Who's the main event? I'd like to see the...

The main event. We have a couple. Shonda Malley loses. Alex Perel wins. Hold on. Hold on. Shonda Malley's going to lose to who? Zahby.

Okay. He's going to lose to a Canadian. Oh, no. And then Alex Perell versus Cyril Gunn. I guess Alex Pereira wins. Okay. Yeah. What's the main?

The main event is Ilya versus Justin Gachie. And I would love to say Justin Gachie wins this fight. But Ilya is going to smoke him. Oh. Ilya is too nasty. Only one way to find out. Only one way to find out prize picks. Watching the card.

Guys, and let me just tell you something. Okay, so that's our take. Now it's time to lock in yours. Make all of your picks for the White House card, which did you ever believe when you're a little boy you'd be even uttering these things? Make all your picks for the White House card in every sport on prize picks

from player picks to team picks. It's all on prize picks. Download the prize picks app today and use code drenched to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5. lineup. Yes, 50 bucks when you play your first five prize picks America's number one sports picks app. Hey everybody, it's me, LaBear. Please come to Shawinsville, June 24th,

Columbia, South Carolina, June 23rd. I just added his show at the Harrisburg Comedy Zone, August 6th, I think, or 7th. So, please come to the Zone. Let's fucking sell out the Zone. They got to paint chain on the Zone. They've got to be disrespectful. They haven't put his face up there. That's what I'm there for. That's what I'm there for. That's what I'm there for, dude. Yeah. And the optimum noctus, June 23rd, it's going to be a goddamn heater. All right.

A guy, 626. That means June 26 and 27th. I will be at the Stardome Comedy Club in Birmingham, Alabama. Sorry about Huntsville. It just didn't work out, guys. But I will be in Birmingham, Alabama, 626, 627. I originally, for some reason, said that that got canceled. I was thinking of Huntsville.

It is going down in Birmingham. That is a fact. 626, 627. I'm off the month of July, but then in August 7th, I'll be in San Jose, California, August 7th and 8th, and then in August 13th,

I'll be at the Spokane Comedy Club in Spokane, Washington. Please come, Matt McCusker.com. Payne's in the mail. Hello, I'm coming back to Good Nights and Raleigh on August 27th, and then I'll be in Charleston, South Carolina, at Wits and Comedy Club,

August 28th and 29th. Please come if you can. 27th. my birthday. You're not going to be able to hang out? I'm sorry, man, but I got to be in Raleigh at Good Nights, Coney. Please come. Thank you guys very much. Enjoy the rest of the program.

I'm telling you guys, you'll see. When you turn 40, something kicks in and you get this weird sense of like, I need to push my body to the limits. It hit me so hard. As soon as I turned 40, I was like, I need to go all out. It hurts? Like, I don't know. I've been keeping it to myself. I've been working out a little bit. I say nothing. But my biceps right now, I've been hurting for like two-day, Just, you know, I've been working on the size a little bit.

But not like a usual when I was younger where the sore feels good. Like this is like, it hurts. I think I tore something. Well, I mean, that's all it is. You make micro tears. But dude, I started when I, I guess I moved here, what, two and a half years ago? And I was, I could never work out consistently. I don't know what it was.

I would never do it. So then I started and I started like, I didn't realize how deeply out of shape you get. Like I was. I was like I exercise sometimes. I was deeply out of shape. And then it takes like a year just to get like able to like fully run a couple mile. Something they consider like is pretty normal. I couldn't do.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. And then you get once you can do that, it takes a while to build that up or like, yeah, actually work out without getting like super shin splints and just like you're like I can't even move. Took me a full year to be able to actually work out consistently like physically handle being able to work out. Yeah, like you take like three months real like. They're field day challenge, dude. Put it on rain bed.

Put it on rain bed. I've been working, too. Play basketball a lot. B ball is helpful. Yeah. I wonder, I wonder how to, again,

you guys don't have to do this if you don't want, but I wonder how you'd have to figure out a way to do it where everyone has a shot. And it would be very funny. We got to do an athletics one. I'm the most athletic out of us. But what are the metrics?

Yeah. We're talking, speed, jump it? Like, like, like, well, you'd be very, like sports I guess right you bounce oh so like you have to have the shooting contest like a like a like what is it called the what was the football thing punk kick pass punk kick pass yeah yeah pkp yeah yeah i think you got me in pkp i think i think i would do a great punt punt would be nice you could hit the football game at chucky cheese where you throw the fucking that game that game.

The accuracy game. The same. With the little, little balls. A little ball. But dude, I got, I got sent it.

Well, first of all, I just turned 40 and it's instantly kicked in. It was just like, dude, I got to fucking push it as hard as I can.

I'm still in it right now. I'm literally going nuts working out, but it's kind of fun. You're on track to get rid of 37,000 calories. Dude, but it did work,

why I won't my fat leave my body? Why won't my bitchies leave? It's crazy. That has to feel crazy. It's insane. I don't, I don't eat, dude, I eat pretty healthy, man. I really, really do.

I mean, every now and again, do I eat a little too much, obviously? But, like, exactly. It's not that bad. It's, for me, it's been eye-opening to be like, dude, it's so fucking hard. Especially, I guess at 40, you can say, it's so hard to get shredded. Like, so hard. It's almost, I won't say impossible because it's possible. It's so much harder than you think.

Damn. You got to get on my shit, bro. No, no shit. I'm not on the shit. But I will say the reason, the reason I'm going. hard right now is I have I got a life insurance thing where they're now I can't do Zins I can't do any of that stuff because you have to pay a serious premium so if you're taking Zins or even like well smoking obviously but now even Zins if they detect nicotine yeah in your system you have to pay

like 50% I don't know how to fucker they in your system oh nicotine it's like anything else no no I mean the blood test dude they go through all that they're they're literally they have to pay your family if you like a lot if you die so then they go all right we'll do this but we I didn't realize they do a very invasive check. Like there's a chance. This is what I'm training for. I might have to go on the 50 cent treadmill with like the mask and shit. Yeah.

And just fully ball out for a doctor, which I'm, I'm trying to get a freak status. Yeah. I'm trying to get a creature. I'm trying to get them to go, what the fuck is going on? What,

which video was that? In a club. Yeah. I always think I was like, I want to do, ever since I saw a video, I want to do one of those tests from the doctor so bad. Yeah.

Put on the mask and just go. fucking nuts. Man, this is the thing. They just don't want to give any money. Yeah. That's literally... Yeah, that's the whole fucking point. But like, that's not what insurance is for. Insurance is for... I think life insurance. I can get it for life.

But I mean, like, all insurance is all the same type of fucking scam. Where it's like, we're going to take care of you. But if your blood work is a little bit down when you die... They're going to charge you more. That's the thing. They're going to pay you. But you got to pay more. It's all just a mathematical formula. Yeah. They go, okay, we

of all the data, if you display these characteristics, you're this much more likely to die, therefore you've got to pay us more. Don't they check like your hobbies, like if you like extreme sports or you feed? I don't know. What's the value of a life? Depends.

Depends how much, literally depends how much you pay them. So it's like if you pay them more, they'll give you more when you die. So, you know, it's like. My life is priceless. Hey, I agree. Can't afford to pay me enough. You got to ask them,

But whoever gets They'll just agree and go fine We just won't go into the death business with you I'm in the death business right now I'm doing it for 10 years I'm gonna do a 10 year insurance policy And just pray that I'm not I won't need life insurance

That's my plan I'm gonna get life insurance I'm gonna start it Just why my kids are little It's a safeguard in order to do it I have to take life insurance Hey Matt you know If you give me a hundred thousand dollars

If you give me $2,000 a month Until for the next 10 years I'll make sure when you die you have a hundred thousand dollars you can't back that up really more than life you can't back that that's what that's what life insurance is doing yeah but they will they will they will they're making you go through tests oh they do no they don't do bro they get rated these these places get assessed they're rated there's places that have they have they track what percent pays out right man isn't that what uh bistler did the long came polly wasn't he that

guy like he would uh oh yeah yeah that was his whole job was to like see how much much you're in the 90s early 2000s okay yeah dude they they actually pay they really will i mean if there's certain i'm sure as people get out of it's just like the gerber baby the gerber baby definitely paid the virgin guy gerber baby you don't remember the gerber baby what happened the gerber baby your parents would get like uh they're like child insurance you pay them every month until you turn 18 or something then they get like a lump sum of money that's different so there's insurance as an investment, that's a different thing. And that's actually, it's unregulated. So if you, if you sell insurance as an investment, you're not beholden to the SEC.

So there, they, it's called, there's, you know, I'm not going to say the name of the place. I'm selling life insurance as an investment. Huh? Just started right now. Just right now. Yeah, I'm going to get it all. You can't. You're not back.

If you guys want your life. I hear your point. I hear your point. You're hitting me with bus stop rufflings. I know how the life insurance policy. Dude, it's like fucking astrophysics, the numbers. It's so fucking complicated. I agree. Kind of bullshit, but at the same time, you don't need to take it out.

Do they have the same numbers of Affleck? Like, you know how, like, if you get work hurt and Affleck, like, you lose a finger, you get so much money. No. It's like, it's not like, it's, it's them going, we'll give you what you pay. If you want X, you got to pay us X amount because most people don't die. So they're like, they just get money. I'm saying, like, during those years when you're younger. It's true.

So they get all these people that are like, we're getting all this money. Then people die. They're going to fucking here. Give them these guys money. But if you're having so many, like if you have all of these 40 year olds giving you life insurance money, the percentage of 40 years that die is way lower than people who stay alive.

And everyone's incentivized to stay alive. The whole idea of insurance is not to give you anything. Well, they do. Well, this is the, they try to maximize profit. And they will set up things when they make it harder to get it pay out,

which is annoying. And then they'll do a thing where it's like, ah, well, dude. Your insurance, like homeowners will be like, ah, your shit got fucked up. But that, your roof got messed up. That could have been from, like, if it's animal damage, it'll be like, we don't cover anything from the Irsign family.

So they'll be like, if like say a raccoon fucks up your roof. If like a raccoon fucks up your roof, they'll be like, we covered more for like, rodent infestation. So they will do bullshit like that 100%. Like acts of God. Dude, we got storms or some. Is that like a whole term? Axe of God.

They have some BS. I actually, funny enough, last night. dreamed I tackled an insurance executive. And as I tackled him, I was like, hey, at least someone didn't shoot you, people,

other people shoot you. And it was a fucked up dream, but I remember waking up from being like, I must be really pissed about this insurance. I must want my fucking little knick, knack nationals, dude. That's why I'm so bad right now.

I literally can't do them. I'm in a deep sub space right now because of health insurance. I'm so subbed out to insurance companies right now. I'm being dominated so hard. We're like, I'll sit down to write at my life. laptop and I'm like, I want my fucking Zins, man.

And I'm like, you're being fin domed. I am. I am. I'm being indombed. Truly insurance dominated. That's the thing too. Apparently, if they catch you doing them, they can just be like, yep, we're out of here. Thanks for your money. You're gone. Like, even they keep the money you had.

If I get the non, which I don't have, again, I've stayed on record, nicotine's not addictive. I got off it, no problem. Yeah. But it's like, I really isn't that hard. I didn't think it was that hard. But if they catch you, consuming nicotine while you're being covered, they could, in theory, sever the thing. Damn.

Yeah. Now to fulfill the, I just chew coffee beans while I do stuff. Gives me that same feeling of like, you know, I like inserting that thing. Paul's in my life right there. So yeah, right now I'm being completely subbed out. And I'm paranoid.

Now I'm going like, damn, like, fuck, you hear about people getting like killed for a life of shit. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, my wife might kill my fucking. Yeah. one fight and you gotta sleep with your eye kind of man I'm kind of being like she yeah I told her that

I said it's like now I'm like even just questioning I'm like dude for real I was too she got really upset at me but I was like it's a lot of upside to me dying for this family I'm gonna start paying attention to the I'm like it's kind of peace of mind being like bro if I just die a huge bag for the whole family just like don't talk like that

oh I don't know makes me feel kind of good to being like fuck it man plane goes down it sucks but like Like, Kids are cool. Chah Ching for the fans. Chah chin. Don't think like that.

I'm thinking like that. I'm hoping you're not fucking thinking like that. You ever see the show? There's a show called BTF St. Louis. Yeah. What is the show about? Is it about that? Well,

guys getting cucked and then his wife gets insurance and she plans to kill. He gets cuck. The bull, the bull basically is like, let's kill your dumb ass husband and take the money. No, they're best friends. They're like,

bull and the cuck. It's like a whole thing. It's a great show. I know, but I'm saying the friend is the bull. The friend is the bull. My thing is like. But they also flip. And they all know.

And everybody knows too. They also flip and the bull becomes the cuck. What? Yeah. Yeah. Like he, like he, they were closet watching. Like, you know, watching the closet that eventually the cuck was like, I just don't feel like part of this.

Can we switch it up? Because it was his wife. He's like, I still want to, you know, fuck me. Yeah, I want to be the bull. And then the wife, it was like the saddest thing of all time. The wife just was like. Nah. Can't.

So then he didn't become the bull that. He asked to be on the bull. He asked to become the bull and the wife was like, no shot. Well, you first one, you can't ask to become the bull. You got to be the bull. You got to be out there grazing, dude. That's where he blew it. My thing is, if you're going to cuck me, cuck me, don't kill me.

That's my thing. Please don't kill me. Don't think they killed them. No, no, no, they do. They didn't kill them. I remember it now. They get to, I can get to the end. I don't want to spoil the show.

That's fine. I'm never going to watch it. But they, I mean, I heard it's a great show. I heard it's amazing. I heard this show is really good. So he was getting cocked. There's a lot of dons in it, though. Be prepared for dong.

A lot of dong. A lot of dong. A lot of a great show. I'm telling him. Go through all the great shows. Game of Thrones. Actually, it makes you just Game of Thrones. Oz.

Is that a lot of dong. Supranos had minimal if no dong. I can't think of one dong. I can't think of one dong. That makes sense. There's a scene where like when AJ's getting dressed, you peep his dong. No, I'm kidding. He was like a boy.

No Dong and the Sopranos, but they did have a big pussy. Did they have a big pussy? The guy's character's name. Huh? The guy's name was. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're tits and the sopranos. Yeah, a lot of the Bada bing.

That's, that's a, you know, that's some stylization I can get into. Like, they're probably like, yeah, we're going to be one of the greats. We got to show Dong and they're like, let's just do tits. Tits are rocking. There is something so classical about showing Dong in the show. You almost got. to do it at a certain point. But everybody loves tits.

Everyone loves tits, but everyone fears and respects a dong. Yeah. You're there watching with your baby. You're a baby dog. Fuck. Fuck do they show that one, man. Flaccid? Sometimes you're like, good one to show it out.

Sometimes they hit you a lot or you're like, perfect. Westworld is just a dong shower. Watch Westworld. All the robots are there and you're going, bro, you're going to hit me with that flaccid that flaccid right now. Why didn't they even fucking give them? They're robots. They're robots.

Make them kid dolls. Why don't you eat junk? weren't they fucking those robots, though? That was the thing. Yeah, they were fucking the robots. Oh, you'd had like a crazy flash at it early in Westworld. Dude, robot a pussy.

Dude robots, girl robots, a pussy. Like the one that kicked the boy? You want that one that kicked him on a pussy? The boy can get his kid back. You're turn 18, son. You're going to get your get back on that robot that kicked you. You know, fuck his robot pussy. That kid's going to be the Terminator, I bet.

He's gonna save us. Yeah. John Connor. Dude, we were talking earlier, that kick must have hurt so bad. It didn't look like a mistake even. It looked like perfect to the gut.

That kick was, the kick was intentional. I don't think the kid was supposed to be the target, though. So it was like a turnaround. I sold the kick. It was like a turnaround spin.

But it wasn't a fucking dance kick. It was like a tornado kick. Yeah, that was like a fucking MMA kick. If he hit him with one of these, like that tee-heed him like a backger marks. Out and in. I was hitting the out and in so hard last night

after our, saw the Michael Jackson movie. If a robot, if a robot hits the damn question mark kick, we're cooked. It's just a, I would fake. I would fall,

I would fall right into it, huh? Also, it's metal, dude. Your shit's getting caved in. Dude, I apparently, they're like,

I mean, it's heavy machinery. It's different, but like getting hit with like metal, I've walked in, it didn't even move. I was walking and it was a mini excavator. And I walked into the bucket

and hit my head. And I was, it hurt. I was like, out. It's like no give whatsoever. It's, if one of those machines, just does digging and, like, nudges you a little bit,

you go flying. Yeah. Because they're so strong. You get hit with metal, dude. It's like, you got to start putting some fucking flesh and bone on those things. Yeah. It'll make them weak. Maybe you have to,

maybe all robots have to be BBW. Oh, safety. All over then they can crush you. Paradise. You try to do a little fucking, you know, some other play. Now you're getting crushed. Oh.

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I watch that guy's video, the, the fart guy. You would tell him that shit might be the best thing about it. How was the interview? The interview is amazing. It's so good. What's the fart guy? He talks about, you weren't here. You were here last weekend.

Fuck. Here last week, there's a guy, I'll just say a guy on soft one underbelly, fart fetishes. Oh. Might have put out the best interview all the time. And they're talking in earnest about here when he talks about gay farts. I don't remember the gay farts. They're talking gay farts. And he goes, well,

That's like part of the, there's like a privilege to being gay where like gay farts are way more abundant than straight farts. Lady farts are tougher. Yeah, because if you want farts. Yeah. He's saying if you're gay and you have a fart fetish, you're in, you know, it's fart paradise. Yeah. Or it's just, you can, I mean, you can get more farts out of a guy. I did see him go like hard, like, I'm not gay when they asked them, but like, what is he?

And then he also got real, like, he was like, I think I'm asexual. But I don't think that guy's a sexual. So I think he poured himself into just, yeah, get hard normally anymore. I also don't know why a lot of those guys like to try to like think it necessarily has to do with their upbringing. Like,

because his, his link to the upbringing was weak. It was just like, bro, like his mom like grounded him and farted on his head or whatever. Yeah. I think, all right,

you can have a fair case, but it was just like, yeah, my parents farted. It's like, that doesn't mean you're going to want to fucking sexually into farts. My dad farted all the time.

I can't, again, I'm a, I'm a no-go zone on lady fart. Dad's fart. That's far. That was supposed to fart. Dad was a fart.

You have to fart. I was, dude, I was lighting it up last night. So bad. You're supposed to have your family on your couch and everyone feel your fart. I, dude, I was in the closet. I'd go into, like, the closet. I'd leave the bedroom, hit the closet and just fart. And from our closet, my wife still could hear and be like, oh, my God.

That's terrible. And they were. They were hot. It's been stinking too I have not been bad You eat cheese You eat milking cheese I do but it's never been a problem

And I don't do too much of it Like I get a little pizza sometimes You know the percentage of people Lactose and Tolerner is That's crazy high It's like 60 to 80% That's the thing too Everyone's I I'm among them

If I if I have milk or cheese Pasteurize I fucking fart Even if I have raw cheese I fart so fucking hard I can have raw milk. I have no side effects. If I have pasteurized milk,

you know, everyone talks about other stuff and you can get whatever a disease from raw milk. Nobody talks about the pasteurized milk farts. Like they're crazy. It's like some of my worst

is when I'm fucking with dairy. I was doing it last night. It was hot farts all night. It took a half an hour off of my sleep. Waited yourself up. Dude, because it's like I just, I dropped one in the middle of the night

the night before, woke the babe up again, gave her like a sleep. I just ran it back. She woke up on, oh. I was like, God, damn. So then I was like, I'm not going to be a jerk. I got up.

I was foreign. Or I'll do tiny, like, wait a little bit. And I'll safely kind of push it out. But yeah, dude, yeah. I also, I don't like girl farts. I almost want to see if we can come up with a drug to stop women from dreaming.

I don't like girl dreams either. We deal with them. Because you deal with them. Because you have to deal with them the next day. Weed. We'd, do it. Julia smokes

every day probably. She still has, she still has, she still catches you in the dream realm. Well, either she'll catch me with him, but either even worse, so just want to tell me about it. It'll just be a useless story. Yeah. So if I dream, it's like, who gives a shit?

It's not real. I get hit with like sleep interrupters where I'll be like, I'll be just drifting off. And then last night, Bernie woke up and went like, I'm never getting these nails ever again. They're hot. They're hot. And I'm like, dude, go to bed.

I literally get angry. I'm like, go to sleep. And she just falls asleep. But she'll wake up with nonsense. It's literally nonsense. It makes no sense. And I'm like in that perfect thing. I'm like, oh, I'm drifting apart.

And it'll be like, oh, what's happening? I'm like, shut up. I can say anything because she's not a sleep. It's not awake. I can literally be like, shut up. Go to bed. She's like, well, why are you making something? And he's passed out.

I'm like, dude, I need to stop this mechanism. You know, you got to put like a soft cushion here. So when she wakes up, she hits it and it goes back to see. That would be nice. I can't stand the wakeups kill me. Oh, what's happening? Catch her right before she goes, ah. Shut up.

My lady scared the hell out of me the other day with one of those. She woke up and she goes, Sean doesn't know right now, but the camera's filming him. He's on camera right now. And I was like, And she was just cabbling about it. And then I realized she was asleep and I go, you're scaring me.

Go back. And then that morning, I woke her up with a fart. That's good morning. Hitting her with the cockadoodle doof. That's a good fart, dude. The wake up for her.

Cockadoodle poo. I spend at least 1% of our conversations as she's unconscious and being like, I'm like dude stop it stop it now no stop it it's not real go to bed it's just fall asleep

it's like fuck I didn't realize how like girls spiral without men like if it's just like girls by himself they were like it would take him like a day to realize it would take him like a day to realize

my grandfather was a demon was keeping me out of the house. There was no one to tell him it was a dream. I had to do as a dude. That's like, you know how like straight wolves became domesticated dogs because they were like lay by the thing and wake up and like, hey, people are coming. Yeah.

That's how dudes got to get that pussy. They got to lay there. Yeah, that's not real, dude. I was fucking just like, I was staying up later because I'm a guy and I just chill and you fall asleep. Yeah. But I can tell you, you're just peacefully sleeping. Like, you're not being attacked by a demon right now.

Let me get some I'm gonna get some motherfuckin' Puzzee. You sure? I'm sure. I got a, I had a sequel dream. I don't even know what the fuck

because like a couple weeks ago I like dreamed about murdering somebody. Man, you have violent dreams. We've talked about it. I know. Who are you pissed? That's why I can't watch like upset

like horror movies because if I watch horror movies I'm going to have like nightmares about it and I'm just going to be like all right, I guess I live with the terror fire now. But yeah,

I don't know who it was. I don't know how have I kill somebody and then like this week I was hanging out with you guys we're somewhere on the beach or on the lake and then the cop came after me and I was like all right guys I got to go don't worry about it I have one of those

I don't know what it was really I remember I killed somebody I think I like I think it was like four my babe or something like that it would dispose of the body well you did toucher and die huh toucher and die is a romantic Trophy Trophy. Toucher and die

is one of the things women are really into. If like if someone touches this lady, you kill her. It's enemies, the lovers, touch her and die. There's a bunch of these things. They're very funny. In the dream, like I didn't get arrested, but I just was paranoid about the murder from the past dream. I was like, oh, shit, I haven't even been thinking about this. It's been like three weeks. I know they're on my ass.

That was me. It was just knowing that they got to be coming soon. And I woke up at like 8 in the morning. I was like, are these, am I? Did I kill someone to my sleep? I was going to arrest it. I just made fun of my babe talking about dreams that aren't real. Just fully bathed out about my dreams.

It happens, it's their fault. You're in the field. You're absorbing all the bullshit. Dude, it's a, I used to have prison dreams all the time. I just have dreams that I was in prison. I was arrested. I got in trouble and I was just in prison. I'd have to, every time I'd be in jail, I'd be like,

I can get out of here. I'm like, this is so dumb. The way this is set up, I can definitely get out of here. You ever break out? I remember it would be like, I could just walk out. And then I'd just like get out. And they'd be like, hey, it was like very, everything was very slow. They'd be like, you're supposed to be in jail right now.

And I'd be like, oh, fuck. Go back to jail and then walk back out and be like, ha ha. Was this some trapping these? Yeah. I would always get in trouble. I would get in trouble or I'd have like a pound of weed in my basement that I had to get out. But there was like cops surrounding my house. So I'd have to, in my sleep, I'd be like, all right, I'll put a little.

little bit in this thing and put it out here and I would just constantly try to fit and they'd be coming in and out and trying to find it I'd be like it was like I'd have nonstop stress dreams the entire time it sucked and I remember my heart rate would like I'd wear an apple watch of sleep and I would get like 130 heart rate in sleep all the time I don't get it now I'm chill that stinks it's bad for you yeah I don't have I feel like I almost never have like like for real for the most part like I rarely have dreams that stick with me anymore like I don't know if it's my my lady will she'll have them every night and like would tell me about them if I let her.

I'll like, it'll be like, oh, I had a dream last night. Yeah. And it'll stand out to me. Every time I have a dream, it means I'm not that high. Yeah, true. Like, I gotta get higher. Wake up in the middle of night and like, oh, shit, I got to turn these off. I used to have big, we were being invaded by China dreams. I still have those. Yeah, it would be like

we would just be battling and be like, I'd be in a city would turn into a war zone. They're Russia and China were attacking us. I was at the I was like, why am I at the wall? Like, not the great wall, the like border wall. Oh, really? Yeah, I was like, why am I at the wall? And there's all fucking Chinese people. I was like, ah!

Dang Chinese guys were the wall? Yeah. It is funny to think that like China just tries to get into our country, they like walk through Mexico and they're like, god damn it, it's a fucking wall. When, when Bay, remember that Bayrude explosion that was like crazy big? When that happened, it was like a part of me that was like that wasn't, that wasn't a factory. That was a little

nuke. Like for like, and I had like, a couple, like a week or so of just waking up and it was the sun will be coming through the blinds in a weird way, but it'd be the first thing I see and I would think it's just like nuke. White hot flash. Like white hot flash. I'm like, what's that? You fart first. What's that?

I got last night I had sex. Thank God I was sick. And then I was holding. in, I had those nasty dairy farts. So I was like, I just sucked them into my body. I was like, I can't fart during sex. So I successfully, successfully

like absorbed all my farts. Had sex. Thank God I didn't fart while I was coming. It'll happen to me. It'll happen to me. It's a fucking, you know, wait, you'll see. Turbo Cove. Bro, it's happening. I can't tell you how many times I farted on coming.

During hand jobs, especially. Because hand jobs, you're like, whatever. You're like, you're like, and just, It's never happened to any of you guys? No. I definitely had to like think about not far and this has happened to me many times.

I've definitely pushed a fart to in a mattress. I've flinched before. So I made it navigating through. Nice. No cum farts. Policy obviously. And then I go immediately afterwards. I walked into the bathroom and just was like,

just completely let it out. And it was. I mean, if damage was done, it was over. Was it more satisfying to coming? Just be like, oh. It was nice. Not as? Yeah, yeah.

I walked in there. I was like, holy shit, dude. I got a little glimpse of paradise. Yeah. The fat farts. That guy was swimming in some fat farts. He probably loved them. Hog heaven.

Yeah. yeah yeah i'm talking about the guy who ran paradise although maybe not check his fucking testimonials maybe he's like didn't like the farts whatsoever you know when the cop i remember the cop from the dream like it was like a lesbian lady with blonde hair whoa and i don't know why it was dad lady no short hair it was like a dyke cop we're like a white lady black lady it was a white lady who yeah you had a white lady cop on your ass yeah i don't even know why Oh, because I was watching Midwest safety. I think that's what happened.

I was watching Midwest safety. It was so funny. There was this one. This was a racist guy. I know he was a racist because, like, he fought black guys and he was, like, harassing them. That's what the cops. So they go, he gets beat up. He gets hitting the hayes bleeding from his head.

He's in his house. They go, the cops go to his house. And he's like, you got to let me go outside. I'm going to fight these guys. Well, also when I heard. The whole time he was. camping up to the N-word. He didn't hit it?

He did it. For sure. He had it a couple times. He had the stars and bars in his house. They go into his house, full stars and bars. And he's just in there like, I want, I want outside now. I love people. They don't say I want to go outside.

I want outside. And he kept hitting it and hid it. And they were like, he's like, that black punk outside. I'm going, all right, he's working. It's coming. The coffee machines percolated right now. That's when you go take a side bench. with somebody real quick.

Over and under. He says, oh, yeah. Well, you said racist, you know, it was like racist guy gets, you know, beat up by the police.

So I'm going like, all right, let's see. Everyone watching for the same days. Yeah. Let's see how he does this. And the black guy on the cat he's like,

hey man, I literally love you. Yeah. It's like his homie. There ain't nothing but love. I don't think they're homies. I think he shoved. Well,

they shoved them. Those guys could be bros through their neighbors. Yeah. But he shoved him. That was a thing. That was a thing. That guy shoved the black dude, the black dude, fucking gave him a big weld on his head.

He was bleeding. He had a, it was Waylon Jennings on the Confederate flag, and it said something like, if slavery wasn't here, we would have made it. He really said it. Yeah. He calls his mom.

The video starts, Mom, bring everybody. Bring the whole family. It is, every, that's a scary folk on. He's the next. No, his mom shows up.

Just like mom show me. Oh, come on. And he's like, mom. He's like getting mad at the cops. He's trying to resist the rest. He's like, you're hurting me. Mom. Mom.

Most of those midwife safety videos, it's a grown man. They get arrested and they go, mom. It's literally is like it's an adult tamper. It's like you're beyond your faculties and you're just being like just like your parents. So you have like zero power.

That must feel good. Get out of four. adult span probably honestly cry for mommy and these and then they're like you know you're going to jump I don't get my father every single time and you're just getting to do a fool like

imagine someone trying to hold you down you get to go I literally remember my older brother is beating me up and being like that's the best just projectile nursing Little brother kick. That's the last defense before you get your ass absolutely beaten.

It passed your guard. You know it was a guard. Frye, dude. I saw another crazy one. It was like this Hispanic guy. He trapped this white lady in the house, but he like chained her to the floor. Ooh.

Like it was like, he had like rooms in his house and like it was crazy. But my thing was I feel like they did it to people together. And then she cheated on him. Because these both, these both look like pieces of shit. We should have never unchained her. Yeah. Well, the cops on chained her.

Cops and chander. She's going to fucking cheat on this guy again. Well, that's what he said. He was like, she cheated on me. She was being dramatic and chained herself. And then he left. Yeah. But then she, like, kicked out the window and called it.

Like, the neighbors called the cops. Kind of believe him. Him? He said she was Spanish. He was Spanish. I believe him more. Because then the cops showed up the arrest him. And he was like, I told him I'll be in on Monday.

So him and his babe, his babe was chained up When the cops got there. Yeah, like it was like he was saying she chained herself. Yeah, because she was being dramatic because she cheated on them. Around the neck like, like just a chain wrapped or like the lock would like. It was a master lock in the chain. And then it was like bolted into the ground like master lock. Yeah, yeah.

But also the whole house was like made so nobody can escape. Yeah. Like there was secret rooms. There was like the front door was like. on the inside and an outside. So you need an inside key and an outside key. Okay. Yeah, so they're like nobody.

So you think they were double murdering. I think they were doing it together. And then she cheated on him and he was like, fuck you bitch. And then she's like, he could change. I could change. And he's like, no, I'm leaving. And she's like, I'm gonna chain myself up.

Yeah. But how did she call the cops chained up? She kicked out the window and yelled out the window like, hey, help he chained me up. He changed me a neighbor's something near a window. Try me a nice guy and give your girlfriend long chains. Yeah. I'm full internet sleuth, dude.

I'm about to solve everything. I'm solving all the crimes. But here's the thing. That's an unsolvable crime. You're out of the house. I can smoke. But you can, I can smell it.

I get suspicious. You're saying you can look at it. You can get context. Yeah. What is it called? Elementary. My dear Watson. Yeah.

She seems, because it's like, it wasn't like a change herself. Well, I don't think she changed herself. I think they were chaining people together. And then she tried to get out of it. or she cheated on them to get out of their relationship

and then like I think he chained her up because he was like bitch or she was or it had no way he said also got it's got to suck as like a bondage dominator to like have your sub obviously try to spaz out yeah yeah I the term subspace makes me laugh so hard the subspace is where like when you're you're the sub but you're subing out you're being dom so hard you just like lose all sense of time you get into subspace

it's apparently a thing subspace subspace and time. But if you're dumb, if you're in Dom space, but then your sub cheats on you, it's funny to be like, good little kitten, be like,

actually that actually hurts my feelings. I'm actually, I'm actually really torn up about the fact that you cheat. I'm at, can we, can we time out for a second? I'm really broken up about this.

But then maybe she was, maybe she needed a brat correction. So if you're really a true Dom, you would just correct the braddy behavior. Chain him out. What did you chain her up? This guy was text book, dumb. Dude, he did leave for like three days.

Oh, no. Yeah. Oh, that's no snacks. I think he left because he got a call at the cops were at his house. You got to leave some chicken boom popcorn for her. You gotta leave yogurt and chicken boo and popcorn and TV. I think you could, I think you could change your babe up. I think you could change it for like a month.

Chicken boom. Low-calorie sweet kettle corn. yogurt and like some sort of Bev and a TV. I think you could chain a woman for 30 years. They might not even notice they're chained up. And you keep replenishing the popcorn and drinks and you put on like housewives.

You put on every season of housewives in order they would never know. You go to hang out with a friend and be like what the fuck? Oh shit. I'm being fucking dombed right now. Yeah, a babe will chill man. They will chill so fucking

Not my dude. I'm like, dude, she's constantly like, I wish we could like stay in bed all day. I'm like, I would throw up if I lay down all day. I can't. I can't until I die. I don't think I'll lay down during the day for the rest of my life. I would go nuts. If I just lay there like this watching television, it's like.

That's the dream, bro. Just laying on your back. I get, I panos up a little. I want to lay on the couch all day. Oh, I panic, dude. I remember when I used to have a sick day, for me it was like the morning was when I didn't want to go to school. So I'd be like, mom, I have diarrhea.

And I'll get out of school. And I'd be like, yes, I'm out of school. But as the day he went on, I'd slowly get filled the sense of dread. And I'd be like, what have I done? And then my cousin would come home, like, here's your work for today. And I'm like, this is all I missed. It'd be like a sheet of like spelling words. I'm like, okay.

But I would get like panicked. By the time the afternoon came, I'd be like, society's moving on without me. I would feel like I'd been left behind. Yeah, I'm worthless. My schoolmates have left me behind. I'm now an ignoramus slaying in men. I don't know what they know. My friends forgot about me because I faked this diarrhea.

Glass has moved on. I love a good excuse to be lazy, though. Like when you don't have the other shit, like it's a snow day is nice. I'll take a snow day. Rainy day. But then back in the day, I'd be like, the girl with the biggest tits doesn't even know me anymore. She might have wore a little shirt today for all I know.

Yeah. Oh, today was a spring uniform. That means golf shirts. Oh, boy. Man, I couldn't imagine not to, I couldn't imagine being in like horny times with the things the girls wear nowadays when I was in, you know? I'll be in that young.

Yeah. It's got to be crazy. I was, I was just talking to Brittany about about spandex. I was like, you do realize spandex in public. It's crazy. So crazy.

Like that's nuts, let alone. Because like, we're talking. Excuse me like leggings or like? Leggings. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, I'm like, leggings are like, I'm like, I get it.

but it's like that's still wildly revealing. It's like you can see the contours of like the butt. And your pussy. And you know. Yeah, most times a big old camel toe. And I'm going like, it's not crazy to like tie something around the waist.

Like that's it's not it's understandable. Because it's like you're out. You're fucking completely on display. And then like, well, I just don't think that. And then we walked past a lady who had her butt cheeks hanging out of shorts. And she was like, I can't believe that person's out there right.

And I was like, it's like spend it. That's the next evolution. Yeah. I was like everyone's dressing like prostitutes used to dress. Yeah. If you wore spandex in the 80s outside, be like this is a hooker. Yeah. If you wear your butt cheeks out. And now like in the 90s 2000s butt cheeks out was hookers.

Now regular ladies are adopting hooker technology. And I'm like, see through shit is getting big. I see it a lot. Now it's going to be see through. It's going to be, it's going to hit a point where it will obviously fly back. It already is. There's like the baggy mom jeans now. Yeah.

I do hate that to be honest. You hate baggy mom jeans. Banks and mom jeans. Nice. It does nothing. Like, it really bums me out. What gives you a nice reset? You need to double me.

I can't handle butt cheeks out of shorts and nipples. That's too much for me. It is a lot. Like, I get it. It's too much. It's too much. It's too much. It's too much.

It's a lot. It does. When I'm driving in New York back in the day, I used to be like, I know a wreck is coming. Yeah. But if everyone starts doing that, it's going to be a problem. I definitely think once you're off, like, once you're off the market, spandex outside, unless you're with your guy. Spandex outside.

Again, it's one of the things, I'm like, whatever. I'm just like stating as a matter of fact. I don't like it. It's what hookers, it's what hookers used to wear. If my lady was going out of the house and like, some of the, like, sometimes, I'm not going to lie. I've seen them like Instagram leggings that have the pre-weggie. Pre-Wedgy is crazy.

I go to Amazon, I go, where these around my house, please. I've hit the, but the butt-cup spandex, it's like, it's crazy. I don't have like super strong like dude you can't but I just see it and I go like yeah well it's that's like your butt like everyone can see your butt now it's just it's your butt it's just instead of your skin it's spandex

but it's still your butt which in the future we're all supposed to we're building towards all wearing spandex all the time I understand that I'm not going to fight against I can't you're gonna have to fuck that otherwise we're never going to be in the future dude we can't stay baggy and claim to be in the future oh I hate the baggie though

new baggie that's come back around yeah that is kind of annoying to it feels crazy like I in it's oh it's oversized it's oh yeah so I mean it's the same shit as we when we were younger when you jinkos I remember jinkos were so baggy baggy jean shorts are back again like it's this get a six L shirt just gonna look regular just gonna look regular now it's gonna tall T's not I mean oh me I thought you meant like you know fat jub it's bad jub I thought you been talking about fashion we're talking seriously I went tall T's tall Talties were the sickest things. I think any fashion trend, I think

tall teas might be the sickest shit ever. There was a small area that had like a middle ground that I love. It was like the sleeves were normal cut sleeves but the T went kind of long. It was perfect. You're wearing a dress. It wasn't dressed. It wasn't dress.

I walked into that. I put it on. I was like, this is a dress the whole time. It hugs my waist. shows your curves. Like, yeah, put it on,

hit like spins and shit and fly up in the air. Well, guys, I believe we did it. Motherfucking powwow. Thank you for everybody. Appreciate you guys. Well,

yeah, man, we'll just keep on plodding along. So all we can do is plot along on this thing called life. Yeah. RAPE. Wait for the robots. No.

All just wait to see if the robots really take our fucking, livelihoods and if you know see what happens with the war. Hopefully that stuff blows over and there's peace and that robots don't you know take us away. Seems to be hanging over everybody's mind and the robots. The robots in the war. I don't think so robots

going to take us over and we're going to go to World War III. Hopefully it doesn't happen. When the robots and war joined together, that's when we're fucked. That's what everyone's afraid of. Or it comes battlebots nonstop. And we just our food supply depends on how good our battlebots program. Each country has their own guy.

There's a couple of battlebots wars. Maybe I'll be dreaded finally. Being crushed by abundance right now. Well, bye guys. Peace. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane secret podcast on Spotify. Do it.