Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 626 - Oil Boy (feat. Dru Montana & Lemaire Lee)

Episode Date: July 24, 2026

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Support Lemeez and the bros @ https://www.patreon.com/pitm Support Dru @ https://www.patreon.com/DigitalBazooka https://www.patreon.com/duragandthedeertag Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com See Dru Live @ https://www.instagram.com/dru_montana/?hl=en Go See Lemaire Lee Live @ https://lemairelee.fun/ Go See Shawn Gardini Live if you want  @  https://www.shawngardini.com/live Yello. At Matt HQ this week with the broz. Meez of course and Dru from round da way. He's visiting all the way from our beautiful homeland Philadelphia. Shangz on a little vacation after his big show. Lord knows he earned it. Everyone send him luv

Wow, wow, Wes. What do we put the polar bears head in a fish bowl? We didn't start you. I'm not included any of this. We don't have to, dude. We're starting now. Hey, guys, what's going on? Hey, Matt.

Dude, you guys saw I got a case of water before. I went on, I got the, I ordered it on GoPuff. I got usually, gopuff, usually drivers, humble lads in this area. Humble lads. And when they hand me, usually give me the case. get the big case of mountain valley water and they fucking, they'll honestly kind of pump me up a little like, whoa,

it's okay. And I'm like, bro, moi fruity. And it's like kind of a fun thing I enjoy. I just, I just had the misfortune of getting like a unicycle white guy. No grande, aguas today. I got the grande de aguas,

but it was just nothing but fucking unicycle attitude. Yeah. I call him. I'm like, yo dude, I'm coming out where you're at. He's like, I'm on the corner of blah, blah, blah.

And I'm like, all right, well, middle of the street, dude. Like, come to the middle. Oh, he's just like all attitude. I'm like, yeah. He had the unicycle around.

Oh, good. With an box. He wasn't on the unicycle. I just, I know for a fact he's a unicycle white. I was like, nope, I know this guy's a unicycle guy. Dude, I remember whatever the fuck.

It's called the unicycle. Like the one wheel power drone. I don't like those. I saw a guy on a unicycle when I was in like middle school and they were like older kids that were smoking weed and I was just hanging around. trying to sound cool and I asked the guy if he could do a wheelie on it and they were all like what are you fucking retard? Like obviously I can't fucking wheeling you.

I was like my bad. I'll just go to my mom's or whatever. To be fair, kind of embarrassing to ride a wheelie list craft. Yeah. Right. Yeah. You're like you guys are funny. And also you can technically lean the front up and do.

That's what I was thinking, dude. You know, like my hand. A manual. You're asking about a manual. Yeah. Yeah. Right. But you go dumps that thing.

Huh? Pogo stick a unicycle. Dude, they get nowhere. Unicycle guys get no air. guys get no air. That's why they're so fucking testing. They're riding a craft and they get they get the least air out of any riding.

No air. None at no air whatsoever. A flightless bird. They are. They're like an ostrich. This guy was a fucking grump. Dude, I like, it's like hey, I'm at all I'm here. I'm like, all right, dude. Well, it's not what the address doesn't say to sit on the

fucking corner. It's a big ass case of water. So I'm like, well, I'm in the middle the street. As I just come down here. I come out. He's already in the middle of the street. I don't know why he said is on the corner. I'm like, oh, he's like, I'm over here. I'm like, okay. So I go up.

And then he's like, hands me, I have the tiny case of liquid death, the big mountain valley, hands me to liquid death first. I'm like, okay, bro, how am I going to hold the liquid death in graphic? So I'm like, put the liquid death deck down on his car. Yeah, brooky and snack. And then. I was never built a snowman before. Yeah, clearly.

Yeah, clearly. Oh, just nothing but attitude, dude. Not even like, I mean, again, I was just sorely missing my humble lads. I put the liquid death down because I'm like, dickhead, I can. can't hold that and hold this. And so he like, he's like, oh, it's heavy. I shouldn't have done this. But I was like, don't worry, the big guns are taking over.

I gave the unicycle white a tiny bar. I said, brother, the big gun. The big guns got it from here, man. That was bad energy, dude. You hit him with some dad energy. He needs some discipline. I gave him some, I did give him dad energy. He didn't know with the big guns, especially a guy roughly my same age.

You're like, kind of criminal to son another adult. You go watch this. I want to go up Go puff. Why didn't your driver tell me how strong I was when I was taking the case of water? I had to big up myself.

I had to big up myself because there wasn't a Mexican guy there to do it for me. I said the big guns taking over brother. Don't worry about it. I think that's got to be a requirement for GoPuff is like

you got to be able to carry 35 to 50 pounds I'd imagine. Dude, I go puffed once and I got an old lady and I had to like help her was just like 32 waters.

I had to go to her car and help her like move it. I was like, well, I should have just, Went to the store. Wait, that was your, oh,

you were the, you were ordering the go. Yeah, at that point, you should just take that old lady. Yeah. She's included. Yeah,

it's a buy won't get one. Yeah, she's included. Like, all right, you're coming in here too. I want an old maid for my house. I did,

I did DoorDash for like one day. I got maybe three hours into it and I was already hating it. DoorDash sucks. It's like, you go into a Wendy's and you're just fucking waiting for food. And then, that's the whole experience.

But I remember I, like halfway through it, or, because I planned on working, like six hours. I only made it like three. I got the Wendy's and fucking I got the shit and it was a full bag and then as soon as I got out to bring it to the guy's house

to the bottom of the bag just fell out. It was like fries and like chicken sandwiches everywhere. I was like fuck this and I just went home. I just left it on his sidewalk. I didn't even text anybody. I would have picked up a sandwich and went home. Yeah, that's good. I love quitting

a job without telling anyone. Quitting a job. Might be my favorite thing in the world. Dude, the last time I did this pod It was like three years ago and it was, I quit a job. It was because you hit me up and you were like, hey, can you do the pod? And I was like two weeks in it like this data entry bullshit job that I hated. And I was like, yeah, of course. And I went and told my boss, I was like, hey, I have a doctor's appointment.

I forgot to tell you guys. She was like, you're still in your training period. You can't go to the doctors. And I go, oh, fuck. So I went back and I sat at my desk for like three minutes. And then I was doing like one-on-one training with this girl. And I go, hey, I got to go to the bathroom real quick. And I just came into the pod.

I never came back. I did a sick move. It was sick. And I did that at LA Fitness. And then I had to change your heart. I was, I like just escaped. I was just like,

I'm just gonna dip real quick. And in the middle of the day. And I was like, come on, dude, just at least go tell the guy you're right. So I was already at my car. And I turned, I doubled back,

went inside. I was like, hey man, he's like, what's up? I was like, going home. It was like, what?

I was like, yeah, I'm just, I'm leaving. He was like, what the fuck, man? We're the same thing. He's like,

I just trained you. You did your TV training. Like, you can't leave. And I was like, no, I'm leaving. And I just figured out at least tell you because I was just going to just like vanish.

And he was like, he was just like, he didn't appreciate it. He was confused. He was like, why? I was like, I don't like this.

Yeah. I'm just going home. And he was like, you can't go home. You can't go home. You know, I was like, I am.

I just figured out at least tell you. That's fair though. Like, yeah, I gave him fucking one minute notice. There. There. You'll find another guy to train.

They're evaluating you for three weeks. It's like, but I'm also, they're evaluating you. So you should be evaluating them. You should be like, do I want to stay here also? You know? Yeah. But the problem is you lied so hard in the interview. This is just the opportunity.

Dude, fake resumes and lying in interviews. My whole job experience, I go into job interviews and I'm like, I know everything you could ever imagine. I got references that'll tell you I know everything. And then as soon as I get the job, they're like, he doesn't know Excel. It's like basic shit. I can't do it. You're like, huh?

Yeah. And I just wait it out for three weeks until I get fired. You're like, you don't know Excel? You're like, no, I'm doing great at this job. I used to claim PowerPoint hard on my resume. Because I like used it once in college. And I could like barely drag and drop like a presentable thing into it. And I was like very proficient in PowerPoint.

Yeah. Efficient in Microsoft suite is on my resume. I know none of it. I mean, I can do like a PowerPoint on like my top 10 NBA players. And that's it. It's like. I can't do any of the stuff. special shit.

Don't you figure out animations and PowerPoint. You're a fucking master. I know none of it, dude. Well, dude, Excel is, apparently

Excel. It's so tough. All kinds of crazy shit in there. Dude, when you say you know Excel, you don't fucking know shit. No, I can hardly fill out like subheadings

in the, or like headings in the top and stretch the cells out. I can do that, but then the numbers get all, they start adding. I'm like, don't add you.

You can do formulas in Excel where you type it into one and then it goes a different number into a different thing. I have a friend who does that. I told them. proficient. And they're like explaining all this shit to me. I go, what do you mean? True. I never said I was a master. Yeah, job interview. And they're also lying to you about how

like exciting the job is, how many opportunities it'll yield you. It's like, we're basically catching you in a cage. Yeah. And we're going to fucking just like steal your life. That's exactly what they were trying to do to me. And frustrate. We're going to frustrate you and mislead you and try to get the most out of you for the absolute least amount of money. And you're like, well, I want the most amount of money for the least amount of work. They should give you cigarettes during training. You're like, you're going to need this. Yeah.

That would be kind of nice. Yeah. That would be sick. That would be funny. So this job fucking blows. Soul crushing, boring. But cigarettes. That would be respectable.

I wrote a sketch like that where like you're in an orientation. But like it's like showing you all the perks and one of the perks is like a gimp room. Instead of like a gym, you just can go gimp out. You could just like beat the shit out of a gimp during the middle of your workday, you know? Oh, I thought you meant wear like a Gip mask, you know, like, you know, yeah, yeah, but like, you know, oh, you could go. Yeah, you can either be the Gimp or.

Yeah, you could be the Gimp or get down by the Gimp. Did you make this sketch? Yeah, I wrote it. I didn't make it yet. I'm looking for somebody to play the Gimp. So it's like, I got a guy. What is the Gim, what is the beating the Gimp supposed to do for you? Just get out your time.

Are you on the mic? Yeah. I guess it's like a rage room type of thing. You know, like, uh, but what if it horns you up? What if it's like that's what I'm saying. That's okay. So, okay.

So it's like a tech company where they'd be like here's a ping pong table, open a door and it's basically like free use on a game. Yeah. Well, it's going to do numbers. Well, Mayor,

you might shake up the industry. I mean, it's genuinely funny. He's going in at Google next week. I visited Facebook and they had like a full arcade and like movie theater. And I was like, I don't have a Gimp.

No. When did you visit Facebook, by the way? In 2021. Oh, like the day before Kobe died. Literally the day before Kobe died. Can you just go? How did this come about? One of my friends' girlfriends used to, his ex-girlfriend used to work at Facebook.

So you got to go in. Yeah, I was like, I want to go. Yeah. What? And they just let you in? Yeah, she just took me, yeah. What? It was a huge campus.

It was nice. Yeah, it's pretty awesome. Yeah. I could see you rising in the tech sphere. It would be so nice. I mean, dude, just the gimp mask thing alone. Like, I got some ideas. Yeah.

What if we got just an absolute sub? What about the iPhone? You know, think about it. Turn it upside down. They would love that. The iPhone turn it. Invert the iPhone. Sometimes the iPhone is upside down.

You can't even really tell. You know what I mean? It kind of looks all the same to me. True. Yeah, sometimes I try to get my screen horizontal and it won't go. And I'm like, go, what the fuck's happening? Screen lock's not even on. I'm going, dude.

And I, like, position it. I don't know if that's like magnetism or something. It's trying to. It's all about the polls, dude. You got to face it south. I hate, I hate computer. I am a Luddite. I hate tech. I truly do.

I'm getting my screen time lower and lower. I finally touch sub two hours a day screen time. Whoa. Yeah, that's my low. I'm back up to two hours a day. I mean, that's huge, man. Congrats. I think I'm at like, I don't realize it, but I'm, every day I'm at like seven, six,

or seven or eight hours of screen time. I'm like, how the fuck does that happen? Oh, my screen. All my screen times is reels. Really? Yeah. Just eight hours of reels. I feel like, I mean, here's the thing.

GPS, if you're driving, that kind of ads. Yeah. But I do. It's just those quick little breaks. Yeah. You don't realize there's like 40 of them a day. Mm-hmm. I just came to, I was like, dude, I never feel good when I look at this shit.

Every time I look at it, I feel like a dumbass. Right. Like I feel like I've done a really bad drug. Every time I look at it afterwards, I just kind of come down from it. I'm like, what the fuck is there? But is there any fomo of that for you? Like, like, you probably don't know there was a fucking Jaguar that attacked an Indian guy in a liquor store this morning.

But it's like that'll be another one of those. Samar, didn't know that. I didn't know that. I'm not. I mean, it is something that happens every day, probably. But here's the thing. If it's big enough, I'll hear about it in real life. Now I know about the Jaguar that attacked the any guy and I can search that out rather

than just trolling through an NRAC of bullshit. But you remember, that was the video. It's pretty good. The Jaguar comes in. He's on 10 immediately. He's like, ah, he pounces on the guy. And then the guy fights him off. And then the jaguar hides behind.

some Captain Morgan bottles. He just chills. Is there audio to it? Yeah. It sounds AI. No, this is real. It's in India. It's a Jaguar.

This happens. Can we get it? Can we fact check? What's fact check? NY post posted it. If a guy got pounced on by a Jaguar, he'd surely be dead. No. Yeah, but they carry sticks on him.

That's Jaguar sticks. Yeah, he had a Jaguar sticks. Yeah, he had a jag stick on him. Well, it was for Pakistani's, but he had a jack. He had his Pakistani stick And he just took the Jaguar guy Yeah, they see each other Apparently, I mean the border is a big thing

They do gangs in New York on the border Yeah And even like Paxanis They like taught each other and fucking It's a thriller, it's a thriller video Did this thing really happen? Yeah May it's strict by AI too

We can't we can't I mean everything's Yeah Everything could be AI now But it looks as real as it gets to me dude And I think if it was, if they had made it like much more worse and gruesome, then I'd be like this might be fake. If the guy like floated up and like rotating it's a mile, he has five fingers. It's a mild jaguar attack.

I think you might have missed the water buffalo flipping the guy up and he floated into the sky. Did you see that? No, the bison. I don't see the water buffalo either. Oh man. Damn, dude. Dude, that's 65 year old guy gets fucking launched by a bison. And that's real.

Yeah, that's real. Real though. What the hell was it? What was he doing to the bison? He was just the part. Dude, he's running around. You ever, like, get your little brother on one side of the kitchen island and you're on the other and you're trying to catch him? He's doing that with the bison like around a tree.

The bison finally pulls up on him and goes, oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah, he really did fight a jaguar or leopard. Leopard. Yeah. Leopard. Yeah, yeah. Same thing, dude. Dude, I mean, what would be sicker?

I, like, fantasized about this all the time of just like a life or death scenario caught on camera where you emerged victoriously. Oh, like over like a leopard And a lever Grab that leopard and snapped its neck That would have been sick Or he's even a guy That guy's getting all the Indian pussy right now Yeah he's probably

Bob's being sent left and right Bob's Virginia Bob's the Vajun's in the chair He should be I mean he should be If you fight off a lever in your liquor store Yeah Should be something

Yeah you gotta get sucked Yeah you gotta get sucked You gotta get sucked You gotta get sucked You gotta get sucked Frozen lasagna Medium Power 15 minutes. Sounds like

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Play Ojo! Honey, forget about the lasagna. Let's celebrate! 19 plus Ontario only. Please play responsibly. Concerned about your gambling or that if someone close to you, call 1-6-3-212 or visitconnectsonterio.ca. Yeah. No, it would be cool to have one of those situations where you're like fighting off like a life or death situation.

You just hope somebody's capturing it on video. I pray for it every day. Dude, I touched a giraffe the other day. They're like, where were you at? It was a zoo.

Were you feeding it? No, I was just, I just touched it. Just let me touch it. And I was like, this thing could beat this shit out of me. Yeah, they're fucking massive. I'm, for real, not trying to want up you.

I fed giraffes not too long ago. Yeah. So sick. What do you feel? You just get like plants. You hand them like a big thing of lettuce and they wrap their purple tongues around it. Pop it out of your hand. It's pretty awesome.

Yeah. Dude, no, I was actually kind of scared of them too. I was like, these things are fucking nasty. Imagine a horse four times, maybe five times the size of a horse. It's just like a 30 foot neck. Yeah. They're fucking terrifying in real life. A fucking Clydesdale of a dinosaur neck.

The videos of them fighting are the fun. How do they, you've never seen that? They just whip their necks at each other full speed. Yeah, it looks like just all concussions in their fights. Just nothing but CTE and a giraffe fight. Yeah, you would think they're chill, but yeah, apparently not. Nah, they get, yeah, they rumble. Nothing's really chill.

Even plants battle. My yard, my garden's kind of wild right now and I'm watching plants fighting. I'm watching a lemon bomb plant fight a sweet potato plant. Ooh, why? Why are they fighting? This for space. I can't think. Fighting for space and resources is a battle for survival.

Do you have like a regenerative garden where you like plant certain plants around other plant like so they grow together or it's just a... I kind of do a Dr. Frankenstein's laboratory. Yeah, yeah. This is my first year gardening, dude. It's nice to experiment. I got okra, uh, onions, uh, zucchini, green beans, tomatoes, basil and mint. Oh, so you got a big old garden.

Yeah. So what do you do with ochre? What is that like a bean kind of thing? I don't know. I had fried ochre. once in Alabama and I liked it and now I'm growing a bunch of it and everyone's like that shit sucks. Why are you doing? Yeah.

Oaker sucks. It's slimy. Yeah. I don't know what I'm going to do with it. Yeah. Get rid of it. That's the one prop here. They're like, you can grow ochre in the summer.

I was like, you can grow sweet potatoes in the summer too. Yeah. Sweet potatoes are nice. I'm doing garlic. Once I pull everything up, I'm going to put garlic in in October and then you grow it through the winter and then hopefully pull it up in May. It's awesome. I grew garlic.

Garlic's one of the best things to grow. And dude, it is actually kind of fucked up. Like when you grow your own, when you start to grow even like a little bit of your own food, stuff in the grocery store is dead. Like compared to what you eat. It looks like shit. It doesn't. Well, first of all, I think a like store bought like greens, they lose like 60, 70% of their vitamin C within like two weeks of sitting on the shelf.

I think even like a couple days. They're like they lose so much shit. Well, it's like if you pick a, if I pick a tomato from my garden, I never put them in the fridge. I'll just sit it on the window. So in the kitchen. and it's good for like a week to like 10 days. If I buy a tomato from the store and put it in my fridge, it dies within 48 hours.

It's like moldy. It's like black. It looks like shit. Well, it's been sitting there for fucking like the time it takes to pick stuff, sort it out, truck it over, set it up in a store, like come from the warehouse to a store.

It's just really old. Yeah. My dad was trying to tell me that clams have to be eaten the day you pull them or they're like no good. Yeah. I was like, well, that's like impossible. because it's fucking, you live in the middle of New York State where there's not clams for like 600 miles.

He was like, no, I'm telling you, man, that's what happens. And then I had to Google it for him. And they do freeze clams. Well, yeah, there's a free stride. Yeah, he looked like a big fucking dinners. He looked like a fucking idiot. Yeah. I sund him.

So they, do the clams die when you freeze them? No. It's like, it's like, like, uh, like Walt Disney. I think, yeah, yeah. They're like alligators. Yeah, I wonder if they do that for oysters too, because I always wondered that. I'm like, how the fuck are they getting?

these oysters over here. Right. It doesn't even make sense for a person in Nebraska to have ever tried an oyster. I know. Unless they're cryogenically Walt Disney. True. Yeah. They have to be.

Yeah. Unless you got a really like cool plane, you know? Yeah. There's no way. That's why lobster's market price. They fucking dropped it in on like a hell of a van. They're like the toy story toy soldiers. That's where all of our seafood comes from.

It lands on the top of a children's hospital. It just ground all of the other. planes. They're like, hold on. We're bringing seafood. An upscale steakhouses. Everyone wait. Just kids on fucking ventilators.

Is it waiting? Yeah, load up the chopper. Drop its fucking seafood. What's you say? It seems to me, this is just chat GPP, but it seems to me that the clams and oysters aren't dead

when they're being transported. They're just, they're still alive, but they're frozen. Okay, so they live during the freeze Disney, I guess, but Got you. They're not dead Because when they die, they taste bad, yeah, they're bad So they are, I mean, I've said it already before

When you eat an oyster oysters are alive. They're Ian, uh, I don't like that As a show on YouTube. Huh? Ian for dance as a show on YouTube called Ian Dew Yeah, yeah. He was shucking oysters for one and you could like, it was crazy because like, the guy would like shake it

and he'd like dead. Like that one's alive. Like he just hear him. That's kind of cool. Clams move around with, their tongues. Yeah. I think that's mad interesting.

They'd be licking the sand and like pushing themselves. That's how they fucking yeah. Project out. Because I always wondered that you see a clam and you go, how the fuck did that guy move at all? That's just his tongue. It's just the ones that are like,

is that a clam? Yeah, clams do be like that. Although, think about, not that I, obviously, I haven't eaten pussy in like 30 years, but I just don't do it.

I wish I could hold it down like that. I get so jealous of guys. are like absolutely not. I wish I had that in me. I think my car would be cleaner somehow. If I refused to be pussy on principle, I'd probably have a clean car. Yeah, everything else is in order.

It's related. It's related. I mean, everyone here, I guess, eats pussy, right? I eat pussy, yeah. Sean, yes. I'm a fan of the stuff. Yeah. Can't get enough.

I do it just for, I do it at this point just for fun. Yeah. You know what I mean? I'm not even like trying anymore. I just do it. I just think it's fun. Talking about eating clams. Exactly.

That's a crazy thing. Clams get about by their tongues. I did take a stand against it for a while. What? Eating pussy. I don't know. I did have like a, I'd say like eight month stretch where I was like big against the stuff,

anti. So what kind of brought that about? Just trying to seem cool. I don't know. Just try to be against the establishment. How did, how did, how did you, so you came up against a woman, and you refused on principle, how do they, how do they take that? She was actually pretty cool with it.

I think you think she respected it. Yeah. But here's the thing. Women think their vaginas are disgusting. Right. So if you're like, I'm not doing that. They're like, yeah, it's like, guys butthole. They're like, yeah, for sure.

Totally understandable. Yeah. They really think that they're like, at least in my experience, I feel like they're always just like, oh, don't. It's not get down. It's like, you don't know how nasty I am. And it's never that bad. If it's really, it's the ones used where it's, where it's,

Do you get your ass eight? No, I don't, never. Never. No. No, never. I've gotten like, I've gotten the area tickled before. Yeah. It's never. I don't, I would never really want someone digging in my asshole. My asshole is a fucking disaster. I've never had my actual asshole eight, but a nice like goch lick. It's, I'm like, you can go a little further south. I ain't go stop you. You know what I mean? I don't know that I would stop it either, but I don't know, man. It's really got to get me on a good day. Oh, yeah. Summertime, no, there's not a day in the summer. I could have my assing. looks your gooch, she's nasty as hell, dude.

That's the sweatiest part of your body. Your gooch? Yeah. You think so? Yeah, that's the sweaty as my forehead gets pretty sweaty. Not sweaty than your gooch. It's all, it's in jeans all day. Yeah, your gooch is sweaty.

Although, my gooch definitely smells worse, for sure. My ipid just told me this thing, how to know if a girl doesn't love you, if she like, my out of p. She, like, saying if she sucks your dick and she, like, she, like, uh, licks the part in between your dick and your balls right there. She doesn't love you. Why? She's a trick.

I think it's a trick, trick, trick. Really? It's a trick, trick, trick. So she told you that. Yeah. Tricks of the trays. So a woman licks below your balls. Not below your balls.

In between your penis and balls. So here's the thing, mine connect right there. So there's really not a big in-between area. Wait. I don't really have a big- I'm confused now. She's saying the, she's saying basically the underside of your shafts?

Yeah. No, that's good stuff. That's fair game. No, I'm telling you. That she's telling me it's the trick, trick. To hit the unders. First of all, how she knows. No offense.

I know how she knows. I know my own peaches, dude. You don't know how peaches. She's as well. On peaches, peaches has a hoot. So you're saying, so here's the balls. Here's the penis.

I mean, whatever. But like, you're saying where the penis and balls merge, if you lick that part, you're getting attacked by a trick. It's a trick, trick. So she even talk about subballs. I'd be curious here. She didn't say anything subballs. Got you

That probably wasn't even thing back then Yeah My Appetches is crazy But why would that be such I don't understand Why that would be I don't think that's a problem

at all Untouched Yeah it's ignored And it's just like It's probably the most Sensitive part of the dick Honestly How it's the least

No yeah The head is the The head is a bit I don't know man You got Yeah You gotta get tricked I think

Epiz might be like A 40 year old virgin It sounds like You know like The best part, like the bottom here, the balls is like super sensitive. That Beach is wild, dude. She said she loves sap. She's, what's that?

Ew, dude. Come? Ew. She calls it sap. She's like, it's good for your skin. I was like, that's how Peaches talks. They're tapping the trees.

How are these conversations come about? Will this be like a... Red Thanksgiving and then like a... It's like Thanksgiving or something. Dude, talking sap over the turn of your son. My answer never told me about their love for sap. Yeah. No, Peaches rules.

You got to ask them how much they love sap. My friends and Peaches were talking sap the other day. I brought it up to my mom. I was like, Mom, Pete was talking about how much she loves sap. And my mom was like, uh-uh. She did that to you too. She might be fishing. That might be some sap fishing.

No, not for me. Not for me. I wouldn't put the smut on her like that. But I mean, it's one thing to talk about the medicinal properties of sap. I've tried to, I've probably to promote those as well. My babe. I'm like, yo, I think they're like good for you. I mean, that is, that is folklore.

They're like ladies that get calmed on a lot or sapped on a lot. They get a good skin. Yeah. It's supposed to be a good skin care. It's folklore. I wouldn't know. I do. And again,

this could be, it could be fake, but I thought I saw a study saying, like, if women who ingested it, it helps them with stuff. Because it contains testosterone or something, a bunch of vitamins.

Probably helps them with everything, honestly. Yeah, really good for like everybody. Driving. Yeah. It's a GLP one. It should be.

My sap got ozempic in it. Yeah, I've tried to promote the sap, but. Not trying to hear it. You got to get her to talk to peaches. I used to, I used to participate in a little bit of an internet trick, trick,

where I never, I was never pimping for real, but I did a little thing. I had like a six-month stint where I was rubbing oil on tits on OnlyFans. And, but it was the best time of my life because it was like, I'd just gotten fired. Did you walk away from that job, TV?

One day I didn't show up. Wait, so you got fired, and then you started rubbing oil on tits. Yeah. It all worked out perfect. But I would say. Yeah, this lady hit me up and she was like, hey, I need help doing like camera work for my only fans.

Can you help me out? And I was like, I'm not going to like put my dick on the internet. That'd be crazy. She was like, no, it's not that. All you have to do is like, so I would set up a ring light and then I'd just be fucking massaging oil into tits. Easy. But yeah, I forget why I said that.

But it was a good industry. She paid me $600 a week for like six months. What? Dude, who was this guy who replaced you? I would have killed him. I don't know. well she wanted to like make it like a thing she wanted to like date she was trying to entice you yeah she was like you only come over when you're getting your money and rubbing oil on tits and i go

that was the fucking agreement and also understandably so yeah also too i i'd be nervous to date an only fans lady because they could for sure just film you one right it's over well oh that's all right you're on soft white underbelly being like yeah i've been in the adult sex industry now for five when I when I stopped working for a friend of mine Rob Cruz he was subscribed to her only fans and I didn't know that he goes yo did you stop working with a what's her name on only fans? I go how the fuck did you know I was doing that he's like dude you do weird shit with your hands and I was like that's crazy for six months Rob was just watching my hands and beating off damn yeah I'm good notes to him but that's a good friend I still love rob yeah the ladies

the ladies who's tits you were rubbing developed feelings for you Yeah. And then she wanted you to be her lover and only fans. Yeah. And her co-star. Yeah. You should have taken her only fans over and cut her out of it. Yeah.

Out of it, Dassily. You've got like three only fans, girlfriends. Really? How's just coming about? Only two. Only two? Um, but yeah. Really.

How was this coming about? Um, I don't know. What kind of circles are you running in? The same circles you're running in, man. Not me. all the same guys. I only never even, never even heard of these.

I know all the same people. Never even heard of these. I know zero only fans, mom. No. You know one for sure. You know one for sure. I think I know how you're talking about.

The secret filmer. Maybe. No, that was a different one. Oh, no. Wait, I do know,

okay, I only know one I know of. Whatever. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. We'll talk. We'll chat later.

That one I was never like involved in any of the stuff, though. That was just her kind of doing like solo shit. and I'd be like, you go make your money, baby. I'm going to sit in your king-sized bed and watch your HBO Max, which I don't have in my house. And so you weren't, so you're, hold on, do you connect that loosely to your head is like kind of pimping?

Because you said I wasn't pimping. No, well, I think the first one where you're like, that's a crazy. If you're, you can't claim pimping. No, no, no. Oh, I think the first one was more like I was at least involved in it, but it was like, no, it was never. Yeah, it was a performer.

Yeah, you're a talent. Yeah, I never claimed pimping. You're on mere talent. I know, but you're not. You said this wasn't pimping. I don't know. What did pimping have to do with it? They were pimping.

I think if you're, yeah, true. Yeah. I think anything where you're like making money off a woman who's doing like sexual acts could be deceived that way. I don't know. Not if you're the oil boy. Right. Would you just sick?

The oil boy is crazy. No, bro. You're not cold enough for this pimping life, bro. I can never pimped. I really could never pimped. I wasn't made for it. I was not cut out. I ain't cold enough.

You got to bring the ice, dude. You got to be the ice guy, too. The ice guy. You're like, nipples out hard enough. That's why Iceberg Slim. Iceberg Slim got his nickname. He used to shoot Coke and it made him the coldest. Motherfriend.

He would just shoot Coke and just be cold to hose. Yeah. Bitch. His scams to get women to, like, you would call like just hump it. You get one bottom bitch. And you get her and you're building. I think it's called a chili pimp.

You only have one hoe. You're just a little, your low down chili pimp. So what you do is you have your bottom bitch. She's humping it pretty good for you, but you need more money. So then you start writing letters to yourself and spraying him with perfume. And you tell her you got another bitch. Now you're an apple piece of pepper.

Well, you're faking the funk. So you're going, you're like sending yourself money and acting like you're doing Western unions of yourself. Okay. And you're tricking your bottom bitch. It's kind of fucked up as your bottom bitch. But you start being like, I got this other bitch upstate. She's making double what your worthless ass is making.

And then you just start like ruthlessly beating her with a close hanger. And then it motivates her to be to out. do this other lady who doesn't exist. Right. And she makes you enough money so you can actually get another bitch. And not only is like, this is a 1940s, 50s wire. Cluesacker.

Shit, it hurts. Like, stop. Yeah, he was a ruthless guy. I still, his autobiography might be one of the best books. I mean, it's fucking evil, but it's one of the best books. Pimp by Spiceburg Slam. All right. Guys, please, please,

please, I beg of you. I'll be doing stand up. Uh, August 7. and August 8th, San Jose, California. Come on, guys. Ticket sales. Ooh, boy. Now, everywhere else is looking decent, but San Jose, California,

I get it. It's not great at summertime. But if you want to come, come. August 13th and 14, Spokane, Washington. Then I'll be in Portland, Maine, Boston, Massachusetts, Royal Oak, Michigan, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Charlotte, Jacksonville, Atlanta, Chattanooga,

Fort Lauderdale, Tampa, Orlando, and a bunch of other places, guys, go to Matt McCusker.com to get tickets. I'll be touring all through December. I'm in Columbus, Ohio, August 13th, Janesville, Wisconsin, August 14th, and 15th, and a big show in Philadelphia at next in line, August 7th. So please pull up to any of those.

Denver, Denver in September. What that's tonight now? What? Oh, yeah, and we'll creek in the cave tonight. Put the time machine on, let's go. And check out du ragging the deer tag and digital bazooka. Love you guys. Thank you.

Hey, guys. it's Sean Gardini and La Mare Lee? Me, Sean Gardini, I'll be at Good Nights Comedy Club, Thursday, August 27th, and then Charleston, South Carolina, Wits and,

August 28th through and the 29th. So please come to that. Please come to Optimoanactus, joke World Fest. Please, please. Thank you. And LaMare Lee. Hey, I'll be in Savannah, Georgia,

July 31st, Harrisburg, Boston, Bridgewater, Vermont, Portland, Maine, the Bell House in Brooklyn, Dojo comedy joke growfest. Please come hang out, you guys. It's going to be a lot of fun.

All right. Thank you guys for listening. Have a good night. How many, so how many did he end up getting into the system? We got a whole gaggle of hose. Yeah. He got a whole bunch of hosts. Once you got that bottom bitch humping for him, for real.

And he got enough money to get himself a nice car. Then he got a lot of the hose. It's like, they're like magnets. Once you have two hose getting the third one's easier than the fourth one's easier. Right. Going from one to two, that's the real. That's tough. That's a real pimps quest.

They always say making your first millions the hardest. Hey, that's exactly like. Yeah, that's how I've heard. I've only ever personally read about P&Pin. Yeah. But I knew a guy who was like hanging out with a Pimp. It was like this dude I knew. Yeah, he just got on the drugs.

And he was just like, and I could tell because we're hanging out. He's like, you know, I mean, hang out this guy. He's a Pimp, but he's pretty cool. And I was like, okay, you're definitely back on drugs. Dude, Naim's cousin is a pimp. And he brought him to Raven Lounge one time. I kind of remember hearing about that. And he was just outside, like telling my boy Ben Stob, who is a very funny comic that I used to live with.

He, uh, this guy was just outside Raven telling Ben, he's like, yo, you try to get your dick suck tonight? And Ben's like, fuck, yeah, I am. And then the guy's like, all right, I'll be right back. And he brought this prostitute up to Ben and, like, expected Ben to give him like 300 bucks. Ben's like, what? I'm not. I don't know. Yeah.

And then the guy went and got naive. He's like, yo, you got to get your fucking man before he gets smoked out here. Like, he was going to kill Ben for the offer of a. Just for me. honest, like, obviously I want to get my dick suck tonight. I thought we're just bro and dad. Also, kind of sucks. If a guy comes up, like, trying to get your dick sucked, I'd be like,

what's it to you, brother? What's the fucking out of your business? Ben was like a young man at the time. I think he was like 22, 23. So he was like just bright-eyed, bushy-tailed new to the city. And he's like, it's like Pinocchio. Yes, sir. I'd love to get fellacious.

Yes, sir. I'd love to get my penis sucked. Do you too? I was like, I'll fucking kill you. You don't give me money. Yeah, you can't. We did that. Our rugby team, we like, we're in D.C.

and we called a prostitute to our coach's room. We thought it was funny, but that was apparently a thing. The pimp was outside. The pimp was none too pleased. Yeah, they're not cool. You can just have hos being driven around. Yeah.

Someone's got to, we thought it was a funny prank, but our coach was fucking furious. Because we basically incurred a pimp's wrath against him. Yeah. He was just like, what the fuck are you guys doing? He was so mad. That guy was the best.

You could have got him killed. Yeah, you should have done that. We were, when we saw, I'll never forget, it was me and like four or five other people on my team. Just watching the car pull up and these two women who are obviously prostitutes get out,

we were just like, oh, what's going down? He was fucking angry. I remember when back page was popping. This was in like 2014 to like 16. That was my back page area. Didn't Trump shut it down?

Yeah. Trump's admin shut down backpages. It makes a, yeah, shut down. Around that time, because I think like 2016 was the last time I was, uh, definitely wasn't Obama's freaky ass. It was, uh, it was such a cool time because like you'd get on this website and it was like

Craigslist and then you'd buy it and then the person would show up and they almost every time looked nothing like they did in the pictures and you go, well, I'm already here and I know there's a guy with a gun in the parking lot. I got to complain right now. True. But you let me not be rude. dude we had this lady come because my friends from upstate

New York they used to come down and see me all the time in Philly because backpage was a thing and they were like we're gonna just come down for a weekend chill at Drew's apart so my friends would come down and I'd let them all like sleep on the couch or whatever

it'd be like a car full of bros just coming down to get back page pussy and I remember one time my friend Casey they had an early flight out of the Philly the airport. So this lady came over and whatever it happened. And I went out in my living room the next day and all the bros were gone. And there were two footprints on my ceiling, like muddy shoe prints on the ceiling. And I called Casey and I go, because I know he was the one that

fucked the lady in the living room. I go, how the fuck did you guys get footprints on my ceiling? He just started laughing hilariously and he hung up. And he still never told me. I don't know. I don't know how it happened. Like a standing 69 or something. How high are you? sealings. Maybe like eight foot, but I don't know if you'd get her up on. Yeah, they're a little shorter than these ones. That's crazy. Yeah, it was still like, I have no idea what sex move could have been done where a woman's

feet hit the ceiling. May I suggest to move? Yeah. You got him up like here, but to keep her balance, she has boots on because she's not quite tall enough to have her hands. But what are you? You're eating her ass from behind while she's? Yeah, I don't even believe this.

There's no way. Powerbomb position. She's up here. Yeah, but from what? On top, you'd have to be on a bunk bed, dude. No, I'm saying you hold her up. Like, you're standing up. Bro, I like the dirty work boots that she has on in this store.

Sneaker. I think the shoes probably got thrown at the ceiling. That's honestly, the more I think about it, like the older I get them, like it had to have been that and they're fucking with. Wait, did it look like this? Like, were they like both in a row? They were right next to each other where feet would be. Yeah, so that's like, that's like the throw.

Unless he like went up there and like stamped him and was like, this will be funny. It seems more likely. There's no way he got back page pussy that high off the ground. They're terrestrial creatures, dude. They're not fucking leet. They're not acrobats. Yeah. They can get out of like a car and like walking a semi straight line to a front door.

That's about as far as Yeah, I didn't even think about that. They're not aerial at all. No. Not whatsoever. You try to do what for $80? You don't lift me up in the fucking air. You have to talk to the fucking Hunter

Bidding for a pussy like that. You go out to the pimp, you're like, you mind if I lift her up in the air. True. Yeah, the pimp will get all OSHA on you. Like, you can't get her four feet off the ground. You're going to attach you to a carabiner. That'd be posho.

That'd be coming at you. It's purple. Yeah, dude, that is very funny. Backpage is incredibly funny. Shut down. Just got all shut down. You guys remember plenty of fish. Plenty of fats, I used to call it.

Yeah, I remember plenty of fish. Yeah, I don't know. Plenty of fish was sweet. Yeah. Because you know why? Because you could just chat. You could just be like, what up right away. Yeah.

It would just generate like a text message. Yeah. Plenty of fish was kind of like a tender before tender, right? Yeah. Yeah. You could match. You could chat. without matching basically.

Oh, okay. So it was just like, it was just a blank canvas. You could just, hey, hey, hey, rather than waiting for the match.

Yeah, it was perfect at Craigslist. It kind of was. Just a lot of where are you from? Yeah, plenty of fish fucking kind of ruled, honestly. Yeah.

I liked plenty of fish. Well, there was one, uh, I saw a documentary about one of the dating sites where it was like for married people and they got exposed. Oh, Ashley Madison.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that seemed like a true nightmare. The affair dating site. I went on a plenty of, I think it was a plenty of fish date one time. And I like, it was truly like,

I mean, there's obviously people look a little different in their pictures. This person must have gained like 80 pounds. Like they were unrecognizably obese. And I like showed up at their parents' house. Yeah. That was going to be fucking rude.

So I was like, yeah, come on, let's go. And we had, we just like drove around all night and like eight pizza. It was up like, it was like a fucked up area. It sounds like a pretty good date.

It was. Honestly, it was pretty chill. She took me through, what is it, Huntington Park, I think. Yeah. And was just, like, showing me all the streetwalkers and see, like, this is nothing but streetwalkers up here at nighttime. We just, like, watched the streetwalkers. Pretty cool. He sat in my car and just chat it.

Yeah. Did a shot with her family before I left. I was like, this is fucking crazy. Yeah. She was big. Yeah. Big lady. And I was, it was almost such.

It was such a different picture. They almost respected it. I was like, all. You pulled a caper on me. Dude, yeah, I've got one of those two where you show up and they're like, lady, that's old man Jenkins. Wasn't even going for hot. I was going for like pretty run in the mill.

You pulled the Scooby-Dumask off. I would have got away with it if it wasn't for you meddling kids. I didn't, dude, I didn't have the heart to in front of the family. I was like, come on, let's go, babe. Let's get out of here. I had one of those one time, but I stopped using like Tinder and all that shit years ago because I was just never good at it.

I'm not good at like, even if I matched with somebody, I don't know what to say. It's a fucking game. See, that was my, my way with words is my strongest. No, I'm better.

I used to love my, my mental games on Tinder were just, it was no one stood a chance. I mean, most people stood a chance. But my, I would,

I would always just send us a regular, I wouldn't try to overthink it, be like, hey, or whatever. They didn't respond. I would go, you have 72 hours to respond

before I fall into the arms of another. Oh. And then that would, Dude, I got a friend. He's black. He has a thing when he match with white girls on Tinder. He'd go, what about Jasmine? And they were like, what's that?

And then you go, the name of our daughter. I would do nothing but mind games the whole time. Just be like, dude, honestly, I wouldn't even, I would go, I am, I'm grieving the fact that we're not hanging out. And I just, I'll be here, but not forever. I won't wait forever for you. Yeah. My heart can only take so. And I would just say the dumbest shit.

Yeah. And it worked. And it's dude, honestly, I remember Tinder, you would get nothing, nothing, nothing.

And then right around Thursday, Friday. That's when women start having their wine after work. It's a little like, and then they start, then all the responses came right around like this, almost the same time.

I've been like, oh, the old yuppies are getting brave. Like the girl minds just activated. The girl mind activates on like Thursday Friday. Yeah. They can't even. Monday,

Tuesday, Wednesday, they can't even. And then Thursday, they're like, Thursday, they go. And then Friday they go, I think I'm going to hang out with this guy.

I swear to God, it's like a trend. No, you're right. They do like Center City Sips. I'm doing Center City Sips with my friend talking to a guy on Tinder. Can't be bothered. Unless, I mean, I'm sure if you were like 6 foot 7, they'll respond. They talk to all the 6 foot 5 guys on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Right.

If none of them, then they reply to the sub-humans such as myself, sub-six humans. The weekends are sub six. I guess he's all right. They have wine goggles on Tinder. Like, that's all right. He's an inch taller than me. He'll be fine. I won't wear tall heels.

I went through my whole life not knowing height was a thing. I didn't know even women cared about height until I was like 31. Really? Got through my whole life. I never even thought about it. How'd you miss that? I just never even thought about it. It never was brought to, but I mean, I'm, I'm like, I'm not super short, but I'm by no means tall at all.

Right. And my whole family's like way taller than me too. But I never even like, it wasn't until I was on those apps or like must be six feet and over. And I was like, the hell's that about? Yeah. I like looked into it. I'm like, oh, that's like a desirable trait. I didn't even, I just didn't know.

Yeah, it's something to do with like dominance and being protected. I think ladies are stupid. It's all like ancestral shit. Yeah. I think so. I think it is. I mean, tall guys,

by the way, get paid more. Right. On average, tall guy, there's a, there's a height wage gap as well. I'm about to get one of those knee surgeries.

Lend link. Lend lengthening? Yeah. You fucking get paid so much. The problem with the limb lengthening surgeries, it's, it's, they'll never figure out how to do it like proportionately.

Yeah. You know what I mean? I'm five six more inches of legs. I think that would just make me look fucking weird. You know what I mean? He'd be like, why is his torso and that's so small in arms? And then I got to go back at the year later and do the arms. Six foot three with like a 21 injuries.

All legs. Yeah, I look like a giraffe with no neck. Yeah, I think the most, I think you can only get like a couple inches at a time. Pause. Pause. Yeah, you can only get like, yeah. A-O. I don't think you could go like super.

I mean, that'd be cool. I mean, I would just go full prosthetic at that point. It's like just metal fucking splints in my legs and sell them back up. I think that'd be the move too because then you can, I don't know, there's so many like more lies you could get away with with prosthetics. If you're just a guy with like goofy long legs for no reason and scars, it'd be like the fuck's wrong with him. Idealistically, I want wheels that turn into the legs.

Right. Hold on. You try to be a transformer? Yeah. No, I said right. Like I understood you and I do. I go, yeah, Matt. Lamarby optimist subprime.

I was just thinking about it. You want wheelies for feet. Well, yeah, because then, like, you could go fast. And they can slow down. Bro, if you rolled up on a chick with, have you wheeled up? They would, they would fucking freak. But then, like, it transforms into legs. And then you wheel up, like, regular stature.

And then you go, pachee, pachee, and then you just tower over. No. Naim. Naim. asked me this the other day and I think it's the greatest question I've ever been asked. Would you, would you be five foot three for the rest of your life if you had Vince Carter's full dunk package? Yeah. Like you can do fucking 360 under the legs, windmills. Stick my arm in there. But you're five, three. How long do I have it for? Forever. Forever. Yeah. You never lose it. You have the bunnies forever.

Bones don't go anywhere. I'm going bunnies. Yeah. I'm picking, but this is the easiest choice I've ever had to make. If I'm 5'3, just Ah, everything. I don't know. I would decline. I might decline that. I, I'm going to hit with a scenario. So if you,

this is one I always think about. So if you were with, say you had a wife or a girlfriend, for every 10 pounds she gains, it unlocks a new freaky act, like something you've never even thought of or done. How deep into the, how heavy would you get?

What else can? It's just mine. It's another mind blowing. It's a mind blow. Where is she starting? Is she a slim? Is she a slim? or is she like kind of thick already?

That's good question. Let's say, let's say she's average weight, you know? Like, let's say like just a little bit of a thicky. Nothing crazy. Okay. Like my question is, though, like, also it doesn't know. It's a question is how deep would you go.

If she could be skinny as hell and you would just keep going and going and going. Because you want to unlock the next level. Because there, I guess there is infinite possibilities, but it's also like, I guess after like a woman who's now 10 pounds heavier eats my ass one time, am I going to be like, now I got to see what the next thing is. You know what I mean? I mean, it could be a double blow job. She could invite a fat friend.

All right. Well, then. So it would just, it's a whole universe of just. If a friend have to be fat. Like, I don't know. I have to match to weight. Or can you get her so freaky.

She starts to bring her house. That's up to your where will fat wife decide. I said, you don't know. That's a problem. It's literally Pandora's box. I think once she gains 500 pounds, we're like 50 freaky acts into the substance.

Then that's when like the fine shit starts coming out. She brings around skinny. Hot checks again. And does like a, and when like a, if you make, if you help her lose weight, does she like stopped during that act? Oh, damn. Yeah, yeah, for every pound to go down. And it's just a one time thing.

It's just like a new thing. No, because if a lady just has loose skin and she's not a freak, then what's the point? You know what I mean? I'll keep her fat. That's a freaky act in itself. She could suffocate you with it. That'd be nice. Yeah.

Well, I guess this is also that you get killed like Superman. Yeah. Put nanobots down your throat. By the end of this scenario, I'm just going to be. in a gimp suit with a 500-pound wife. It was getting squished. Dude, when I worked for Verizon, I did a door-to-door Verizon sales for a little bit.

Another job that I just quit and didn't tell anybody. But I was doing, I met a dominatrix one time. And she told me that, dude, she was like the biggest, ugliest, not being mean to ladies,

but she's a rough-looking woman. And she told me that she made like thousands of dollars a day, just like beating the shit out of CEOs and like sitting on them and like stepping on their balls. And I didn't believe her at first because she was so rough looking. But she got like the full Verizon package. She got like fucking 200 speed internet like five cable boxes. She got the two gigabytes and shut you the hell.

Oh, yeah. They bet you had like six cable boxes. I said, damn, she gave him money. You get you. You want HBO? She said, yeah, give me HBO. I said, damn, she'd probably be stepping on dudes dicks. Yeah.

That's crazy. That, uh, they do that. The dominatresses definitely. I'm real into financial domination. And dumb. When they just, yeah, when they just go like, give me your money, you fuck. fucking bitch and you're like, oh, fuck yeah.

Can you do it? No, I would never. No. But it just makes me laugh to be financially dominated so fucking funny. Because you were, the last time you were single, you were poor, right? Yeah.

Yeah. Hold on, no, I should take that back. I was always kind of bawling on the low. Okay. No, but I had ups and downs for sure.

Yeah. So when you were single, was there ever like a cent moment where a lady told you to send her money and you just did it with no reward? Yeah, there was a time. I'd definitely,

I would fall into this at the strip club every now and again. where you were just like, you'd have a stripper come by and be like, oh, this and that. Strip club. Can I have 100? I'm saying after the 5th. Oh, okay.

We would meet outside. But she would be like, I remember, I would like give one thing to that. Like if there was like, oh, I can have 100 bucks the first time. Like, okay. And then after that, I'm like, no, you're out of here. I remember a lady sent me her Venmo one time. I de-emned her and she just sent me her, like a screenshot of her Venmo. And I was like, I'm kind of drunk when I did it.

But I sent her 20 bucks thinking like, this will move the needle. She just double tapped. I said, I think, like, something like just sent it, and then she just, like, double-tap that, and we never spoke again. Dude. So funny. So, funny.

I'm talking about strip clubs. Because, like, do you just get horny at a strip club to go home and fuck your wife? Like, is that, like, it? Like, what do you mean? No, well, dude, there's... Hopefully you get jerked off or suck in there. There's a bunch. So there's, like, it's all about the different strippers.

Some of them are there. just to dance and they're all above board. Then there's the ones that are kind of tricking and ho. But yeah, you're going to get like, stroke by the girl. It's been stroking guys all day. That's the plan, yeah. Yeah.

That's exactly the plan. Kind of something like that. I don't think about the other guys, but yeah. Because they make you think like it's only you. That's the whole thing. But then there's, so there's the in-club, but then there's the other level where they're like,

they'll get you to be like, I like you. Let's hang out outside. And they will hang out outside. And they'll slowly start seeing how much money they can get out of you. I can't I can't I can't fall trapped to the strip club matrix. It doesn't work on me. Really? Yeah. It doesn't work on me. Not at all. Not at all. I just go. True. I took a good pill. They're strapped in. I go, leave me alone.

No, there's a there's a world there's like a lot of strippers have like very casual old guy boyfriends that are to send tons of money and it's like I think they'll give them like a taste once. Yeah. And then be like, like my fucking car. Blah, blah, blah, blah. you have like four or five of those guys and you just keep getting new ones and new ones. Yeah, the sugar daddy cycle. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't even look at their tattoos. Like, I try not to look at it. Because like, sometimes they might have a tattoo that's something I like and go, ooh. And he's like, no, that's a trick. That's a part of the whole fucking game. You go, is that a Naruto tattoo on your pussy? Yeah.

How? So do you go to strip? Have you been to a strip club? Yes. In recent eras? Yeah. In recent times? Yeah.

So what do you do when you go there? You just sit there like a very stolid. I'll sit outside and look at my phone. Just like drink. Yeah. Or I'll sit at the bar. Yeah. Yep. And be like, get out of here now.

Yeah. What about when they, because they come around. The strippers come around and they'll try and like bring you to the back. So if one approaches you, what are you saying? I'm okay. Yeah. Me and LaMere posted up pretty hard one time at the strip club. They would come up and try to get money.

We would go, we don't have any more money. You're just watching videos on our phone. In the back. How do they respond? They just hopped away. They stopped showing up. Yeah, they get mad. We gave all our money to the first lady.

And then we're like, oh, we forgot. We said a trap. Now they all think we're going to have money. Oh, it's so funny. Well, you can't just hand her like $41 bills in a stack. You got to like make them rain and shit. Yeah, that was our mistake. Yeah.

You just did like a transaction. You paid it like it was rent. You balled it up like a snowball. You can also chill and just be like, I don't have any money. I'm sorry. Yeah. I wish I had.

If I had it, I'd give it to you, babe. Yeah, I remember one time I went to shoot club and tried to hand, oh, it was when I, yeah,

I went to strip club and I, like, tried to give a lady a dollar. She was like, throw it at me. And I was like, what? I don't want to do that. Take this.

That's crazy. Yeah. Guy eat Gianna Michael spit. Yeah. It was crazy. Yeah. She like deep throwed a nice. Is that in Philly?

No, red. Damn, you guys are called the Gianna Michaels. Yeah. She was Italian. And Sophie D. And it was Jiamichael's and Sophie D. Oh my God. She was outside of the Harrisburg comedy zone.

So she, she was like deep throw it like a nice. stick and then when she pulled it out her mouth there's a bunch of like drool came out with it dude who was in front of the stage dragged his finger through it and then just like put it right in his mouth. He's probably dead now. That's the thing. It's like you think

you're horny. There are horny fucking dudes out there. I saw the same thing as show and tell in Philly. I remember they had their live dildo show at midnight and Saturdays. That's a good time. Where they put the double in and they fuck each other with it? Well they also they're like visibly

hair and addicted ladies. They're just like meth faces. It's really a very sore sight. They all smell like Red Bull for some reason. You guys are promoter. It's a very sore sight. And I remember this lady was like jamming herself. And then she would take it out and like wave in the crowd.

And every dude was like, yo. Whoa. Whoa. Dude for real dodging it like a fucking lightsaber. Everyone's like, God damn. Don't touch me with that. And there's one guy.

Dude, he was this drunk, older guy and he was just like I'll fuck I'll fucking suck that thing right now and I remember we're like no you fucking won't he's like give it to me I'll fucking suck that thing right now I'll fucking lick it I'll lick that thing and we're like oh no

but he was like actively trying to fucking get the juices off I'm like dude like a for real crack at old prostitutes it was it was like sad and I remember being like dude no Yeah, there's guys out there that will fucking go to town. He's like doesn't even hold a candle. Yeah.

No shame at all. No, it's not, it's like not even close. That's so funny. Yeah, I remember seeing that guy. He was so, so fucking funny. Show and tell is nuts. It's closed now, right? Yeah.

Show and tell used to have, they would have the 18 and up side or like 21 and up and then 21 to 18 side. And all that was separating was just like glass panes. You could see through it. And we brought my brother. Because I remember I looked up like 18 and up strip clubs. And show and tell came up. But I didn't realize they were separated.

So I brought my brother to show and tell when he was 18. Yep. And it was me and my cousin and like a couple of my other friends sitting on the other side. Like just having the time of our lives looking at the B.I.O.B. section. Yeah. Yeah. We were looking at like the double-sided dildo show. And like we're all like this is awesome.

And then we saw my little brother. was like pressed up against the glass just looking through. He's just so sad. He's drinking sodas by himself. He's like, I want to come see the double buildo show. I was like, Luke, you stay over there, dude. He used a puppy in a window.

Yeah, that place was like complete mayhem, man. Show and tell. I don't think there will be anything else like that. No. It was this strip club like right outside of rent called buck rubs. Buckrobs. Buckrobs. It was B-Y-O-B.

And there used to be this, like, fat black lady there who, she didn't get, like, a lot of tips for dancing. But the way she used to make her bread was she was just had these giant titties. And you would give her, like, ones. And you would just point people out in the strip club. And she would just go up on the side of them. Boom. Just like smack.

Jared and Jackass 3. Just knocking dudes out from mine. I think her name was candy, if I remember right? Really. Did you ever see the, uh, she ever see a show, like a, not like a birthday party or a bachelor party at show until? when they would like take the guy up and beat his they would beat the guy's ass like they were like really hurt you that happened to me on my the day i graduated from college we went not at show and tell

we went to this place called just enough and bridgeport and uh names i'm so funny we called it the boot because it was a giant fucking like uh light up boot outside of it but yeah did they told they told the strippers they were like he just graduated from college and i was like i don't want to fucking do this i don't want to and my cousin was like nah they'll be cool dude it's just like a lap dance mind you like my mom and my dad were in there it was fucking weird. And then they brought me to this fucking chair on the stage and they handcuffed me behind me and just started beating me with belts. Yeah, that's what they do at show and tell. I was freaking out. I was like, stop. It was embarrassing. It was more embarrassing like spats and

getting beat. That's exactly what they do at show and tell. They would just take your shirt off and they like dance on your lap and the guy would be hammered. It's like, uh, and then they would take a belt and start like ruthlessly fucking beating you with belts. This was on the day I graduated, man. I was like proud. I was like, I'm the first male in my family to get a degree and they go, let's fucking get him beat by strippers. Also, too, those ladies would put fucking ass into it. I mean, you know what I'm saying? It's like

a very deeply frustrated single mother. Yeah. Just fucking just taking out all the frustrations on like an 18 year old. It's like, ah. And they, people would freak out and like, stop. Yeah. I was spasm. Yeah, it's not funny. It sucks.

It's also like, why? What did the fuck? It's like, I get, you know, naked ladies. But there is a part of it that's like, yeah, we want to see young men get the shit kicked out of him too. Yeah. I'll see a young man get whipped until he cries on his birthday at the strip club. I've never been into like on either side, whether it's like me inflicting pain on somebody or like a woman like trying to hurt me during sex. I'm out on all of it. I hooked up with this girl one time that like wanted me to like slap the shit out of her and it made me so uncomfortable. I felt like I was getting like tricked the whole time. I was like, nah, like Chris Hansen's

going to come in here or something. Slap of it. Maybe not Chris Hampson, but like the guy who does that for guys who hit one. Steve Wilco's. Steve Wilco's comes into my bedroom. So how did you navigate that? Did you do like any baby slaps? I did. And she was like, hit me hard or hit me.

She was like, you're a fucking pussy. And then I was just, yeah, I was like, I'm not going to. I was like, you're baiting me into this. And then I kind of just like politely came and was like, we're not going to do this anymore. That's nice. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not into the rough stuff. I personally would, if I had to choose one of the other, I would rather receive pain than dole it out.

Like a bite. I wouldn't mind a little love bite personally. A bite's nothing. Yeah, like a little scratch. That's fine. Bites scratches. Don't fucking choke me or slap me. That's insane.

I've never been choked. I don't know if I like it. I can't speak on it. Also, it's like, I don't think a girl could choke me. I'm not bragging, but I'm pretty sure if I do. If I flex my neck veins,

I genuinely don't think a girl could choke me if you tried. Do you like being choked, Lamar? No. You're the choker. You do. You're the choker. No way That wasn't for me

What's the dog collar I don't know where it's at How much respect do you think you get If you walked a white lady On a dog collar through the hood Oh It's a dream And had her fucking like pull at people

And like get out of it and start Bite the mailman Bring a rabbit snow bunny That'd be so nice I'm like to do that Then you'll be pimp The whole little He was walking a white girl

That's what I'm a car Walk a white girl There's like a dog walker We have like four dogs in one leash That'd be so nice Just outside the mother ship With the girls on a leash I mean

The pog walker I'd be a very sick rain bet video And the pog walker You pog walked Dude yeah On like Lancaster Rav and Philly it would be a sensation

I made a rain bet video is so funny just walking girls be like yeah and see if I bet $10 on Kalshi right now I mean dude they would lose their minds yeah

that would be I mean it might be out of respect take off your Kangle yeah the the best rain bet videos wait rain bat is where

it's like just a random video and I promote yeah yeah dude the best one I've seen is there's this guy he uh the double DASHer. Have you seen him? If you're off the internet, you might not have seen the double

Dashedher. Dude, he gets people to Dordash to him. And then these people like bring the food up to him and he grabs the bag of food and just punts it across the lawn. He goes, you fucking double dashed me. You're playing in my face. I know you're double dashing. And they all go, what? And then he starts handing them like thousands of dollars. He'll give him like a pile of money. And then it's always like some ridiculous shit. He'll like pull like a rubber chicken out of his pants and be like, you want this? And they're always terrified, but when he, when he punts the food, it's the funniest thing. He gets a full bag of Wendy's and, boom.

People are like, why'd you do that? He's like, you fucking double-dashed me. And then he gives them money. You know, insulting it is. Watch the one punk kick. The fucking thing you made. It's $10 for you. That's $10 worth of your time.

And you just watch a guy punt kick. It might be less than that. I go ahead for three hours, dude. Sometimes you get like four bucks per delivery. It's like, if you punt that show, I'm scared. It'd be kind of scary because you're like, this guy's going to shoot me now. That's the first thing you do. No, he seems out of his fucking mind when you hear the videos.

That's so crazy. You're less valuable than the food. Like if you work for DoorDash. True. Yeah, you better be because I'm not trying to pay double in the food. You have to be. This is the way it works. It is funny.

This is a person's time. You're like, it's not worth as much as like fried vegetable oil. Yeah. Yeah. Well, Drew, I think we did it. This has been fun, dude. Thank you. LaMere.

Thank you very much. Sliding into the Patreon. Check out our Deerag and the Deer Tag Digital Bazooka. Yes. Also, we're going to follow up on the outer space thing. Oh, nice. I labored over it all week. Excuse me, I farted.

All right. Nice. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's secret podcast on Spotify. Do it.