Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 632 - R.I.P. Andy (feat. Tim Butterly)

Episode Date: August 21, 2026

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod WATCH Tim's Special now on his YouTube '30 Minutes with Tim Butterly'!! Support Tim @ https://www.patreon.com/dadmeatpodcast and @ https://www.patreon.com/timbutterly Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Tim Live @ https://linktr.ee/timbutterly Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Go See Lemaire Lee Live @ https://lemairelee.fun/ Go See Shawn Gardini Live if you want  @  https://www.shawngardini.com/live y0o0o0o0. We got the Butta DAWG with us this week - our dear friend Tim. Go watch his spesh asap!!!!!! Check out his podzz. Say a prayer for Andy - R.I.P. to the good cat. Please enjoy. God Bless. Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/DRENCHED and use code DRENCHED and get $150 if you win your first $5 lineup!  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Wow, Wow, Wes. I'm trying to think of a disgusting sex act guys have to endure, but there's, we only have, we only have fun. Period. Period. Sex. I, I, I spoke to an older guy who was, like, kind of hyping himself on period sex. And it was kind of like, bro, that's a young man's game. Well, he was like, I get down with that. I don't give a fuck. They're on the period. It's like, dude, you're too old for that, man. Does anyone still even hold that down anymore? There was a guy. I did a show. I mean, like, normal. I found one guy who was, like, trying to hype it up. It's like, I think it was the same age as me. And it was like, it was like, Bro, slow down. Also, who cares?

I don't think I've met a guy that's like, I won't do it if she's on her beard. It's like, I used to be, when I was younger, I was like, I don't give a fuck. Now I'm kind of like, I'll just wait. I'm 40. I know what it feels like.

I can read a couple days. Period. You say, you'll wait. It's on the table. I'll wait, dude. I'm at the point now or it's like, I'll give it a couple days, man. Just later down.

You say, I will wait. Yeah, I would wait. God forbid, you see it clump? Keep the lights off. Get away from the clumps. The clumps. I got, Eddie Murphy. I caught one of them boogers,

and I think I was like, I'm good on this. Got one of them boogers. Yeah, you catch some of those. You got to just not look. The worst is, yeah, you just finished. You go to the bathroom, you go, ooh.

You got to go wash your sword. Eyes closed all the way of the shower. I wipe my sword in the grass. I got to inspect. Got to wipe my blade in the grass, clean up. My dagger. Yeah.

My tiny dagger. My boots. So I have my boot dagger. Dude, keeping a boot dagger is, that'd be sick. Next time I go to a wedding, I think I want to equip a boot dagger.

You're going to be a boot guy first. That's going to be crazy. That's going to be the weirder part. It's mad, suddenly in boots. Tony's going to be jealous. I wear the boots around here. What about belt buckle gun?

That would be cool. Belp, like, you're just, talking about a teeny tiny gun. And flints down and it goes, boom. That'd be kind of nice. Dude, I saw a guy at the bookstore. He was a raging lib and he was

an open carry. What? Yeah, him and his wife were clearly raging libs. Really? Really? Really? Really? That's interesting. Yeah. What were the telltale signs? He was trans. They were at a bookstore. They heard a bookstore. The wife was giving big-time

Libby. Yeah, that makes sense. She was slaying. So he was strapped up. Yeah, he was, yeah. I'd say that dude if the libs go strapped that would be so funny libs are strapped up back off I have a firearm taking a six-week course if they get strapped that's kind of tight they've that's they've been yapping about getting strapped for a while I think we're talking about different type different guy

no well strap attack well the same same exact crew true it was strap attack crew really they're also getting guns I mean we got to stop by only we can't just come out the gay owners. It's hard. We gotta stop on the line. I'm gonna live now anyway, dude. I sat down with Hunter. I'm completely lived out. Yeah, I said we should.

Dude, Biden never traded a single stock in office. I said we should have free healthcare. I'm gonna live now too. I fucking hate podcasts. You get drunk, you go, why don't we have free healthcare? People are like, fuck you, you fucking bitch. All right, my best. I don't know anything. That is, that is, well, that is a funny one to be like, fuck that.

It's like, okay. Sounds nice. Yeah, the people holding it down for the insurance company. Yeah, although my theory is our military We need to have kind of like a Dragon's Den situation Because if everyone had free healthcare Free College

You're not to be able to get some young boy Into the fucking military I'm gonna go bro, I'm chilling Yeah, Soviets did pretty good with it Oh yeah, true You got several million China has They're doing all right The rest of the country has it

Aren't they forced though? They're forced okay, that should be the thing We have free healthcare for anyone Who will volunteer Fuck, that's just the military damage Why is this so hard? I think After they fully block off

porn sites, I think they can go, we'll let you in. You just have to do 18 months and one deployment. You're saying you get, you get born-up back? You got to do it during the military.

That's going to be tough. You got to do that fucking obstacle course? I agree. I mean, that would be actually better than fucking going to XNXXX. Yeah. True.

That's an obstacle. I already sold this. I already sold this stuff. I've been on the site for six months. I've seen this one before. Dude, I was, I witnessed some obstacle course action. This weekend, I went to this place. It was like a ranch.

Like, only an hour and a half away. And they had an obstacle course on the water. And I think we could use some maybe obstacle course for porn hub. I was watching some dad struggling in the obstacle course. I said, we might need to fucking, if you want to get porn hub, save your ID, hit this, this inflatable obstacle course. Yeah, it wouldn't even. It was hard.

The thought of struggling on the obstacle course in front of families is like, I'll never go out there. If there's a slight chance that I'll struggle on that, I'm not going. Dude, it was so hard. I went up on Bert's tour. I bid it. I was at the climbing up the slide. I fell, dude, I fell so hard. My foot got stuck on the wall.

I hit my head. It was, yeah, I'm not doing that. Imagine how cool would be to hit the top of the fucking rope net. You're standing on top of the deck and you're just like, and then they hand you a laptop. That's probably so nice, dude. The laptop from hell. Yeah, true. That'd be a good auction item.

A laptop from hell? I wonder, I should ask him if you ever got his dang laptop back. True. You can't even think about it. I would imagine in a certain point they're like, you're too busy hit him with softballs. True. I'm telling you, bro, the Biden gays.

That was home run derby, dude. They got to hire you for home run derby. You can pitch those things all day. The Biden gaze is undeniable. They're like vampires. He glimmered me the whole time. They'll glam you. He hit me with the Delaware glamour.

Also, I couldn't do politics. Right away, he's like, dude, we went to like, the high school he went to is rivals with the high school I went to right away. He's like, that's so cool. He went to the same high school. I was like, we're basically brothers, dude. I can never be a political hardballer. That's how it works. There's a reason these guys are in politics.

They're actually good at that. Instantly disarm me. I fucking hugged the governor Abbott. In my defense, I was black. out it was at the Red River robbery, Texas, Oklahoma. And I was trying to listen to what he was saying. Also, what do you not? Kind of lean down.

And I was like, you should give people weed. I don't even smoke weed. I was just fucking shit face. True, I didn't give him softballs. I gave him the hard-hitting truth. That's where we differ. I ran into Governor Abbott at Texas v. First, Oklahoma.

And the fourth quarter, I was blacked out. What's you deal with weed and pouring, man? I'm just messing around. He's just an honor to meet you, sir. I think he actually. Well, I think he actually stopped the first thing that was going to take the farm bill weed away. So he actually, I think, if I could be, I could be wrong. But I think he's, dude, he's got to be blessing Jha a little bit.

He's in the wheelchair. Yeah, I think he's got to be blessing Jop. There's no bigger Rastaman vibe, dude. Wangwan. It's me, Greg Abbott, a big man. In this dang wheelchair. Me wheel in a three. 360 man.

You think he rips 360s? Yeah, for sure. He definitely blazes out of a pretty choice bowl. It's definitely a choice. Dude, he banned Delta 8. He hates Delta 8. He's the biggest owner in Texas. You think there's noggs?

Do you think there's cherries? He's caught with like alien posters on his laptop. That's the laptop from hell, dude. It's the laptop, the laptop from Spencer's. You think he has a secret? black light posters in his office? Somebody's going to come in. He's going to be like, no, don't hit that switch. Oh.

As soon as he turns the lights out in the governor's office, he's like, me tired of all this foolish business. Pass me me zong man. It's a z-shaped bong. It's short. It's hard as hell. Do you think he has access to the hub? You think he has?

Do you think? Yeah, he has a red laptop in his office. Only a direct connection to Pornhub, H.Q. He's able to click. him under 18 and sends him straight through. He's like, that's what power is. I was talking to Gerby's about it. Obviously, he submits the photo ID.

Bro, I met one other person. That's crazy. Of course. He's like, well, I don't even care about it. I just... Rainy said he left to take the picture of his... You know, it does like the bio scan of your face. Never.

There's no way. No, you can't. There's no way. You can't, dude. With that lonely... The lonely gaze in your eyes? Dude, it's embarrassing to do it when you get a new iPhone, and it's like scanning it when you go to left.

Yeah. You imagine doing that for porn hub? Yeah. Also, they got you. There's, I, they got you anyway. They got you no matter what. You think they got you no matter what?

For sure. You think, I wonder if the government for real has a file where they're like, who? Pull it up. And like, oh yeah. Dude. It's you in a hotel room just like. Yeah, they used to have to build an island and bring kids.

Now they just, they got you in your hotel room. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That, I mean, it's also, you gotta give the guy a hug. If you see abs, you gotta be like, what's up? I did hug him. Yeah, that's crazy.

But I think I was for real leaning down to hear him. It was loud. It was at the cotton bowl, man. So you leaned down to here and he reached up. I think I might have hug. He wanted you to pick him up. We had him around. We had been drinking since we left.

And that was a great trip. Lemaire didn't make the sprinter. He was about 10 minutes late and just followed us in his car. Wait, was it? Oh, he ubered? To Dallas. Damn, you took the emperor ride right behind the sprinter. Right behind the sprinter.

That's our security detail. You're the decoy. Yeah, I fucking slept too late. You slept? Yeah. Did you sleep in the Uber? I know you slept in that Uber. And I missed the sprinter, yeah.

And you slept in the Uber. Yeah. And if you slept in the Uber, that means you farted in the Uber. Lemaire only farts when he sleeps, allegedly. This is one of the biggest fucking horse feeds ever. It's crazy, dude. I don't believe it. I don't think it's physically possible for you not to fart all day.

I don't know. I had a pretty gassy day the other day. But I had a milkshake though, so that usually sounds out. I mean this, as a friend, if they made a pharmaceutical commercial for not farting, you'd be the spokesman. They would film you walking around in the park, like, throwing Frisbee, be like, now that I don't fart all the time. I had a night last night, dude. I was farting. Oh, my God.

It was so, I was whenever, I tried to get up and at least be a gentleman and go fart like it. I fart in our closet. I'll walk up and just rip in the closet. Come back out. Fart in the closet. Dude, what is going? That's the craziest shit I've ever heard.

Dude, because they're so bad. You walk into your, do you close? I just fart on my clothes. I just go and fart on my clothes. All my, like, my suits for weddings. I just fart on them. How big is the closet? It's like walking.

It's like the size of this couch. It's just narrow. It's like the size of that couch a little wider. They must rip in there, though. They must echo a little. Oh, bro. I don't even know because I'm like trying to

you know look out because if it's they're like room crushers I'll have like nine room crushers so I'm like I can't do nine room crushers to the babe so I'll hit it in the closet chill make sure it doesn't trail me far to my suits and then I'll come back out do you whenever do you go back in the closet you go oh oh there's some crossers lingering every now

I go back I admire my work I go back to admire my work and then and then every time finally I lay down I'm like I'm not getting up again and then I start the leak game where I'll start leaking under the blanket. And then I'll be like, I think I'm safe. I think I'm safe.

You give it a little on your side. You go, I'll try to fan out a little. Release the dragon. I'll take a sip. I'll go, boy, that's what fucking, that's a little bit of goo-dood under there. Enter the cheese cellar. I go, oh, my God. It's a strong poor.

God damn. She bitch about it? I, when I, I'll wake her up out of a dead sleep every night. Then she'll get a little cantanker. She'll wake up and go, oh, my God. And I go, sorry, babe. My bad. You smell or the sound?

smell. Oh, that's. So I'll be leaking. I mean, she'll go to switch and then the blanket will rise. I'd be so mad. No. Oh, dude. She's right to be mad.

If it's the sound, it's funny. The sound is hilarious. Waking up from the smell is fucking crazy. I've done it a couple times. Every time I walk into the room that my wife's in and the house, I fart instantly. Yeah. Pisses her off more than anything else that I do. She goes, why would you do that?

Like, I don't, I literally, I think it's when I'm around you, I fart. Just relax me. I don't know. It's probably just because I've just gotten off the couch playing, video games for like two and a half hours and my body's moving around for the first time. But I tell her it's like, I see you and something happens inside my body. When I lay down, for real, if I lay down, I'm like, I'm clear out. As soon as I lay down, I'm like, instantly I have to fart.

Someone about me laying perpendicular, the bubble just goes straight out. Like a horse. Just like a level. Like a level. As soon as you move me, the bubble's like, yeah, I was, I was, I was farting big time. And it's like, it's like, you think it's a favor, but there's something about it's like, I can imagine I'm a girl. And then like the dude I know, I'm married to, walks away.

I wonder where he's going. You hear, Vrhehr. Also, is it middle of the night? It's like bedtime stuff. Okay. Middle, once she's asleep, I'm playing the blanket game. I'm like, all, we're going to, we're going to leak these.

A little paranormal activity. You're ripping the blankets. We're going to leak these out under. Two and five Canadians will hear the words you have cancer. That's why every step and dollar raised matters. On September 19th, join thousands in Toronto for the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation Walk. Challenge yourself, friends, and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research. Together, we can carry the fire and help create a world free from the fear of cancer.

Register today at pmcfwalk.ca.ca. Hey, everybody, pardon the interruption. I'll be in Raleigh and Charleston next week, so please come if you can. Tickets are available at Shong. Gardini.com. I'll also be in Seattle and Portland in optimum noctus. Thank you. Thank you. Guys, September 11th, this is big. I'll be doing stand-up in Portland, Maine, September 12th, stand-up in Boston, Massachusetts, then just going on down, Royal Oak, Michigan, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Charlotte, North Carolina, Jacksonville, Atlanta, Chattanooga, Fort Lauderdale, Tampa, Orlando,

Newark, Baltimore, Columbus, Cincinnati, San Diego. I'm going crazy on them. I'm going crazy on them. I'm, I've nothing booked. That's awesome. Just ready for the freaking football season. Chomping at the bit. Shane, have you farted around any really important or famous people yet? Hmm. Probably.

Farted in Abbott's face. That's so fucking funny. Dude, a hug fart. It would be crazy. I don't know if I have ripped too many. Really? Yeah.

I mean, I'm sure. Because there hasn't been an occasion or because you're like, it's probably not a great idea. There's never been a time. I was holding in it for it. I would never. You got what about holding in farts is crazy. It's very feminine.

It is. Dude, I ripped, I went somewhere with a group of friends, farted so bad. I'm already in the 30 degree from Brittany. We're in a concession line. I'm like, chill,

chill, chill, chill, chill. Our friends walk up, like, goddamn, what stinks? And I was like, what the hell's going on here? I was looking at her like, shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up.

She'll blow up my spot on a plane. You'll go, oh my God, as soon as she looks at me. Oh, yeah. Funerals? Dude, if you farted a funeral of my wife's like, Oh my God, did you fart? That's worse.

Also, if I do fart and someone I know looks at me, I instantly laugh. I can't. I can't hold it in. We're on a plane. I did one that was for real offensive. And she looked at me and I was like, stop, stop it. Stop. And I started laughing.

She's like, that's disgusting. I mean, it wasn't me. I know it was disgusting. Shut the fuck up. You got to turn it on. I farted like. As soon as she starts her shit, you got me like, sorry, got my wife, queved really loud. It's so gross.

Yeah, the move is going. Oh, my God. That smells like weef. Not even farts from a guy. It's clearly pussy. It's a video of an Indian guy. Indian guy on plane screaming. He's like, whoever's farting.

I ran into the Indian bustle last night. Who? Where? There was a guy right before me at the bathroom. He was in there. He came out. It was an Indian fellow. Boy, he lit it up.

He did something special in there. Oh, my God. bathroom lines and gang bangs that's a tough spot that's what they right behind the guy did work the only time uh makeevers ever uh even like frowned at me and all the time that we've known each other it was uh we we got we got to make uh commercials for g e silicone calk yeah like 11 years ago and it filmed at this like uh production house in like upstate new york and it was like it had pictures of all the famous thing it was

the Schmitzke beer commercial from Saturday Night Live. Damn, that's awesome. That house. And we're walking around and we're like just gawking at all like the comedians and shit on the walls. And we're walking through one of the hallways upstairs. And I let like a clap her go. And there's a full production team and there's corporate there and there's people with clipboards. And I clapped one out. And I start like and he turns right and goes, do not do that again. That's a good idea. Calling it a clapper is I'm going to start being like, I. Scene four, act seven.

Oh, that's another thing I get attacked for is I'll, you know, I give a little panache to my, I'll like lean a little bit or lift the leg. He's like, why do you have to lift your leg? Yeah, put some fucking tone. What's been talking about? Why do ponies trot? It's the plunger on the end of the trumpet or whatever, you know? A little vibrato. It's insane.

I'm not going to nutcracker or a fart and stand perfectly. That's all so offensive. Yeah, that's what the Ocomman does. O'Com man's a freak. He'll keep the bubble between his cheeks. Not even by that out. Yeah, he lets it come up the front.

It sneaks by one ball. That's the worst feeling ever. It's been a long time. That's a good. Yeah, that's what you fart in a pool. It comes up to like, ooh. They're like getting lifted. Oh.

Whoa. Dude, I got a good look at goats. I forgot how large goats nuts were. Goats have fucking, dude, I'm not lying. Goat sacks are like that big. It's fucking sick. Yeah, it kind of ruins it. It's fucking nuts.

Where were you? I was at that ranch thing. We got to be won a little ranch getaway for like a day and a half. It was, that place so, so sick. So fun. We just got to feed animals. Got to go in, feed goats. Look at their giant balls.

Dude, see this? When you see their balls. It's kind of fucked up. See that little mark right there? I'm my shoe. Sorry, I can't, I don't have the ankle for you.

Yes, I see it. That's a pig's kiss. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, a nice pig came fucking,

hit a little thing on my shoe. I was like, dude, that's going to make me happy every time I see that. You see a video of the pig coming on the motorcycle tire? No,

but I have seen a, I have seen a pig come on a ball in real life as a child. A lot of times. It's a lot of. We had a pig in our backyard. Dude,

they come over everything. You know those balls you like jump on and bounce? We threw one in the pig pan and it would just fuck that ball and come all over it like constantly. I swear to God. Jesus Christ. No, I believe you. Yeah, I remember we gave it to my cousin. We're like, yo dude, bounce on this.

He bounced on the pig gum. We're like, oh. That's dude, they are. You do like the balloon static on his head with it and just rub the company in his hair. It was such a mean thing to do. I saw a video that bothered me. Speaking of goats balls.

I don't like when you see animals dick and nuts. True. There was a cute video of a very fat doxen. Very, very fat dachshund. But it was a female dachshund. It got so fat that it had like a pussy. It was disgusting. Had a little pudding in his panties.

It was a full on, it was like laying on its stomach. Yo! Everything was so swelled up that it looked like. A fat dog pussy. It had a... It looked like it somehow got a old woman's vagina. Slapped on the back of a dachshund. Ultimate fleshlight.

They might have pumped it just for the views. It really took me out of the video. I was like, this is a heartwarming video. I mean, you see it lay on its stomach. God, the fuck. His 75-year-old woman's vagina on a dachshund. Just lay it on his side. Yeah, trust me, dude.

Do you see that dachshund? You're going to go, whoa, whoa. That would throw, yeah, you're trying to, and it's funny because you're like online trying to do the wholesome thing. I was trying to do the wholesome thing. And all of a sudden, God, that dog's got, fat pussy

on it. The dog's pussy was crazy. threw the whole fucking day off. You were in your bed just going I'm telling. I believe you.

I was looking at all kinds of shit this weekend, dude. All kinds of dicks and balls on animals. It's all kangaroos, by the way. Not take.

They don't do anything. Yeah. They lay on their side. It's fun to look at them. I want to see a jump. If I had... Personally, if I had a little thing with animals, I would have the kangaroos,

like, I would give them meth. So they were just fucking... We were in Australia. That was fun. I liked seeing the guys lay around. They were lazy. I want to see them jump. I don't want to see a kangaroo lay down.

Yeah. Be honest, I swear, I thought it was a rabbit. I would drove by. I'm like, how fuck they got rabbits there? Came back. I said, I was a kangaroo. You should have squared up with it. I don't get it moving.

I should have. Got against the fence. Yeah. Damn. Damn, that rabbit's huge. I just saw the ears. It was, that rabbit's six, five. A rabbit's standing up looking at me.

Now, goats, I hold it down. Goats are the number one farm, in my opinion. Goats are the number one farm animal. Did you get to try to scare them? They're not, not, Nate, I told you this. Not every goat is the fucking feigning goat. I just get excited what I hear about. That is, but no, these most goats, if you try to scare.

Maybe you just weren't scary enough. What are you talking about, dude? Did you even try? No, I didn't try to scare the goats. Why'd be crazy to try to scare them, dude? It's their whole thing. It's the whole reason they're around. You can't, do we don't eat them or anything?

Bro, I was in the, I was, I was, I was in a pen with Rams. Rams are in there. Look, everyone wants to talk tough until you're actually on the ranch. A ram would fuck you up. If a ram thought you were trying to make it, they'd be like, first of all, we're not fainting goats. That's offensive. Like, we're not fucking fainting ghosts.

They're like the, you know what of goats. They're like, bro. The fuck. Let you pet us. You're thinking... I'm not sure I know what. My bad. It was just a nice thing.

I don't either. The retarded word. You can say it. It's funny. You're saying the retarded word. Try to do my family friendly shit, dude. True. Bro, we didn't put it online.

We're not the... We're not the fucking pornography. Doxins. Looking at a weiner dog, you got a whole pussy. Looking at a weeder dogs for a reason. I'm on my phallic-shaped dog tip. Yeah. I do like phallic-shaped dogs.

Yeah. Dachshunds. Yeah, corgis are awesome. Yeah, that's a whole, for real, that's a whole algorithm. We stumbled upon it. The we've stumbled upon it. The first time we did that.

Oh, right, right. Alorithms show. I've been in it for a one. long time. They didn't know is a thing. It's fucking wild. Yeah, it makes me want to get a doxin. Yeah, that would be nice.

Docs would be good. I had the pleasure of hanging out with some Pyrenees this weekend. They're a good dog. It's an enjoyable dog. Yeah, great Pyrenees. Big white guys. It's a fine canine. It's a very fine cane.

They're a guard dog. Yeah. They're a guard dog. You already got one. I know. I need another guard dog here, though. True. The mayor's sleeping.

He's not a good security detail. Mm-mm. Not good security. A good security, dude? Not a sneak up on you every day. Every single day I walk back. You know what's crazy? If you changed nothing about Lamar

but made him six inches taller, he'd be terrifying. True. But as it stands. He's like a bouncer and a plastic egg. You'd have put him in water. He's a Russian nesting dog. The bigger ones out there somewhere. I can get some lifts, dude.

I can get lifts. You should. That'd be sick. Height surgery. You can recover for. six months and then the casino come out five foot and you want to tank in the pool house

yes you get those lame goo for six months you never run or jump ever again but it's worth it you should get a fucking nuts dog you should get a nuts dog and then just have like a full-time dog handler it speaks German to him the real like police dogs about exotic big cat I would enjoy that that'd be way better yeah but it might not be loyal to you

someone might attack you might be like whatever. Although it would definitely. I'd probably just attack whoever's in the house. Yeah, I was about to say. Almost all the times. I was about to say, yeah. I could get me moving a little.

Oh, yeah. Nice. No more video games. No more MLB to show. You have an apex predator in your house? There's a lion here. Yeah, a jaguar would be sick. Jag would be nice.

Yeah, I could be like Indian guys. You know, when they run through the village, they're just kind of fucking, they kind of just wrap you up and they keep running. Do they look? Mairs on the roof of the pool house. Yeah, with a stick. Ah!

Yeah, declawed. It declawed, like, Jaguar. It would be nice just to scare an intruder, and then you just shoot them in the face. Yeah. The last thing they see is just a fucking gigantic cat. A Jaguar and a guy with an eagle's gun? Yeah.

I didn't think anyone would die this way. You come out from behind these soundproof curtains with your boot knife. You fucked up. I've been waiting for you. Yeah, that's a... I want to get Mao. That's my next dog.

That'd be cool. That'd be really tight. Dude, they can literally, they could jump that fence. You got to get them some teeth. Metal implants? Yeah, that'd be sick. I heard, I don't know how true this is,

I heard there's military dolphins. Yeah, they've been trying. Yeah. Everybody's been trying for a while. Apparently the Russian, is this from YouTube? Russian's at them. I think, I mean, if you could train a dog,

why not a dolphin? Yeah, they'd train them to get like mines. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And what do they do? They, like, blow themselves up on the mine? Probably. Probably, sadly, yeah.

Or they find him and come back. You see the tank dogs they used to have? No. Pretty cool. They put a bomb on the back of a dog and they train it to run under tanks. Yeah. What kind of dogs they rock? I think at that point they're going whatever dog we get.

Andrew. Beagles. Beagles are the number one experimented. Yeah. Landmine dogs. Beagle. And then there was a story where the Germans tried to teach, you know how they were always doing dumb experiments? They were like trying to teach dogs how to talk.

Really? Which is a very funny experiment. That is kind of funny. They're evil geniuses. It's like, brother, dumb as fuck. They were really fucking around a lot. Considering how much they had a pretty serious heaping on their plates already. Yeah, they had a lot to do.

And then they were like, we need to also teach dogs how to speak. That's that durn meth. That is meth. That is that durn meth. You ever see the videos that dogs are you press a button for a different word? Yeah. I think they were all fake. Yeah, they're probably fake.

Yeah, there's claims, though, that there's people, claiming to be using AI to like once and for all be able to talk to dogs. So same thing. It's probably just adderals. I'm sorry, I'm sure I can figure this out. I can speak to dogs.

They're probably not saying much. Yeah. He wants a snack again. Yeah. Can you believe our level of communication is unbelievable? He wants to go to sleep. Yeah, some motherfucking bull. Bro, I was on my,

I was a full mommy sleuth this weekend. I watched that whole debate, the Candace Owens versus Andrew Wilson. Who was she debating? Andrew Wilson So it's basically In again It's who knows the real details

But it very much seemed like TPSA Was like brough Tip Makers stop Which again Apparently is not the thing But it was She's been you know

On her thing about She thinks who knows Killed Charlie Kirk And Andrew Andrew Wilson was Defending the official narrative And he didn't win A lot of people are now

A lot of people Who are claiming it was like an egregious loss I'll be honest I was too dumb to fall i was just following it like whoever had more style would win to me if you had like a nicer dig i was like win you got it but she she beat him on the uh i think the real thing that got it was she was like okay so she like went and kind of all the evidence the state was providing she kind of gave like i would say decent counter arguments and then she was like name one of the charges you

think he's actually guilty of and he was like do you know the charges you know the charges she was like name all seven how about that he was she was like i will name one he was like I mean, this is just ridiculous. He didn't know any of like the action. And the thing that he goes, all right, murder. How about that? She was like, it's actually aggravated murder. He goes, same thing.

She goes, no, it's a huge difference. And dude, it was, it sucked. It was hard to watch out. It was nice. The reversal was like, name all seven. And I'll name one. It's like nice older brother trick. Also, she's definitely going to name all seven.

She asked the question for a reason. She's studying like crazy on this. And the funny thing was, her time was done. So it was just his turn to ask questions. She goes, guys, I just ask one more question. At first he was like, no. You can't. Then eventually they came back

and you're like, let me ask you something. Let's go ahead. Bro, it's, it was, it was, I don't know, it's just a funny thing

as both are like, well, none of us know for certain. It's like, how the fuck do you win a debate about it? But, you know, it was,

do you ever want to get into the debate circle? These guys are debating they're throwing it down all the time and challenging each other to debates. That one's definitely wants to be. I want to do it.

So it's my favorite thing, you got to get into it. My thing is, God bless you. Thank you guys. Thing is I'm not a big fact guy. So it's like, I don't like memorizing facts and stuff. You really don't need to know any facts.

You have to say stuff like good faith and positive evidence. And you just, there's a couple of buzzwords that you need. I hate the buzzwords. It's like karate moves. They all have a name. That's a logical fallacy. That's actually a good faith pro bonum. Yeah.

Yeah. The fucking buzzwords are so funny when they try to hit each other. And like, that's actually not a. It's buzzword war. Double straw, man. You know, and I think you'd crush. You're impossible. to pin down.

Yeah, well, I fantasize about the debates, the debate sphere a lot. You got to get in. I want to, I want to jump right into a 20V1, to be honest. You want to do it surrounded. Surrounded. Or jubilee. I want to get surrounded. Do you have a topic that you'd like to try on the libs or the, I don't know.

That's a thing. Would you go libs? That seems like a easy, like a beginner. Yeah. I don't know. I want to go girls. One strong black conservative versus 20 female libs. that would be nice.

20 female lives versus I would say I would argue as their father what they should do with their life. Wow. So nice. 20 daughters versus one dad. There's one girl dad. Yeah.

What are you doing? Oh, come on. Not this again. Yeah, dude. You're going to get killed. No, dude. $20 versus one dad? I would, bro.

I would smash you. You end up crying. No, I would eventually. You're like so sweet. And it makes me think of my daughter. Third argument. No, no, no, no. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Sorry. That's not right men. They'd all cry. You'd have 20 girls crying around you. Lose right away. Yeah, you go. I'm so sorry, everybody.

I would raise my red flag. I lost. No way. There's like a weaponized disappointment you can hit them with, though, that non-girl dads don't know about. True. It's worse than hitting them. True.

Although a lot of these girls seem like they're kind of beyond that. No, I think it's in there. Guys. Time for a quick break from the show for a special segment called More or Less Football Preseason Edition. Wow. That's what... This is the good stuff.

Football is finally back. And prize pick, I wish you hit that lady. Well, you know what I mean? The dump. Not hit a lady. Football is finally back in prize picks bringing out their best offer yet. New users who sign up will get $150 in lineups if you win your first $5 lineup.

That's right. If you win your first $5 lineup, you'll get $150. in lineups, and now prize picks is available nationwide. So this is what we're thinking for picks this season. Matt. What you're on? Matt, what storyline? What's your on? What storyline are you thinking about this year? This storyline? What storyline in football are you thinking about? I'm really thinking about the Browns. That's the big storyline.

You're thinking more or less on Starr's Sanders. I'm thinking more on that. Well, yeah, maybe. Yeah, that's a storyline. That's my pick. That's what I'm doing. I like that. More or less? The whole season? Just the preseason game. that's what you're doing. That's what you're doing. That's what you're doing.

So you're saying more. I'm saying more. You're saying Mo. I said Mo. Stack September. Let's go. Crazy football deals. Giving users new promos every day during stack September.

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He's fired up. He's just collecting a check. There's nothing to do out there. They're here. They're here seven days a week. They're here every fucking 10 minutes. There's nothing. Yeah.

Although they're mulching. I did see the mulch. I was fired up about that. Nobody tells me what anyone's doing. It's not my house. Did they scrape off the mulch that was there before? That's the question. I don't care.

They piled on top? I could care less. I might get out there and start screaming. We can do it a little 20v1 right now. You're going to have to hit the head. I have an even sweeter spot for the lads. I love, I love the lads.

I'll be honest. We are very lad friendly pod. Hey, man. I just want to be. I just got to be honest. I fucking love those guys. Nothing wrong with it. Love the lads.

Every job ever had. I mean, dude, so much fun with them. So, I've gotten to see Matt firsthand drop into the job site and demand answers. When was the job site? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yep. My warehouse. Some paperwork got mixed up and it's like this has to be someone's responsibility. With a button down? No, no PBA. I enter. I enter no PPP, no PBE. You got to do it,

dude. Hard hat. That should. Hard hat button down khakis. You know, you know what the real move is? You put it on in your truck before you get out. So you're not in any violation. You pop out already with the PPP on the PPE. It's the only thing. It's the only thing that lads truly respect. they see the button down khaki's hard hat they go oh get up the white i got to go white hat from the chub institute commercials the boss no you get out i know again i know butterly saw me in on definitely you know i know just enough terms to be able to be like all right what are we doing we back trump true very very trump yeah we'll just flare those out yeah we'll flat whatever that word is but yeah no i had i had to go down and fucking you know i'm learning i'm learning more and more the warehouse is in full

effect i like that's how trump operates i just saw a video of him describing the granite they laid down in the White House. You could tell somebody just told him what it was. And his history facts, it's very nice. Tell him with marble. Marble, you know, marble? It's porous, man. You don't want marble.

It looks, sounds nice, but that's going to be a bitch. Have you seen what he's doing to people? His history facts? No. Like he had, like, the Japanese prime minister. Talk about the surprise attack on Iran. He's like, you guys know about surprise attacks? Pearl Harbor.

Why don't you tell me about Pearl Harbor? He's Germany's chancellor in there. He's like, D-Dade. We're celebrating D-Day. That was not a good day for you. And the guy's like, no, it wasn't. Actually, yes, it was. Actually, it was good.

I didn't mean to say it was not. It's also funny to be committing things now. Like, oh, you guys remember fucking 90 years ago? She told me about Pearl Harbor. That's also, you know who's in his ear about that. That's the handiwork of Betty Netanyahu being like, oh, you guys invaded the middle. We can't do a little Middle East invasion? Come on.

You guys did it. It's like, yeah, it was like a fucking bad thing. Come on. Yeah, it was bad. Well, let us do. We'll say this was a bad thing in 25 years. And, you know, that was funny to be like, you guys here have no right to talk about Middle East invasions. It's like, we know it.

We know it. We know it. 20 long years. Yes. You know, Biden's the one who ended that whole thing. He pulled out every game of shit. He's pulling out. Absolutely.

Absolute disastrous pullout game. The Biden pullout game is terrible. You have to admit how hard. Hunter rides for his day. He's just like, bro. Yeah, obviously we got shit for it, but we wanted to end the war more than anyone. You're like, God damn you're right. Fuck. I was under the Biden spell. There's not wrong being under the spell, but the pullout game was... Pullout game was crazy. Guys hanging on to the fucking plane.

They pulled out mid-nut. They were like... Bro, just leave it in, man. It's the worst pull-outs of all time. A little bit of Joe comes out in Hunter. Dude, when he's talking about smoking crack, though. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm smoking crack. It's like, I'm open about it.

Come on. I was a crack. That's my favorite. That's the only thing I like about him now. Smoking crack. He probably started like a fool on that crack, but I don't know. What if he was in?

Everyone that's people that recover from crack, they all talk about how elite they felt while they were smoking crack. Tell you what ticks me off. Listen to him when he's talking about. He's like, alcohol is worse. It's like, no it ain't brother

trust me it's not dude he's like alcohol is way worse than the crack just so everybody knows he's saying from like a physiological standpoint yeah it's a cope it's a complete cope cope cope for the crack yeah it's be like yeah it'd it crack but you guys drink fucking alcohol that's crazy true no it's not that was like I think train

spotting or one of those movies did that where they had like they would cut to all the guys getting drunk kind of like yeah it's the same thing yeah I mean the only reason it's bad is because it leads you to smoke crack true I bet you smoking crack with your boys feels a hundred times cooler than drinking with them.

For sure. I mean, undeniably. Drink with your boys rocks. There's no denying it. I'm not I would never, but now the the next day, the crack, yeah. Well, three days later. Next day is probably tough. Four day crack. You probably go, whoops.

It's bad for sure. Yeah. No, that's definitely tough. But while you're falling out does probably rock for sure. 100%. That's probably amazing. That's right. That's kind of like unanimous. Unanimously, everyone's like, No, crack definitely rocks. Let's not get it.

Same thing with heroin. Same thing with all that. Heroin probably rocks. Heroin, though, I think there's a huge chance you puke that first time. Which again, you're with a bro. You're on heroin. I was fucking puke too. Yeah.

Bro, he's leaf blowing and there's no... Empty, dry concrete slabs. Dude, there's probably some fucking pine needles and shit. Also, here's the thing, guys. I'm going to tell you, when you're leaf blowing, you kick debris every which way. So he's doing the right thing. He's covering the perimeter. Thanks.

So what's got to? that backpack. I think he's nice. Yo, here he is. Get him in the chat. Looks like Raiden. Yeah, that's, dude, that's kind of like, I don't like drive you mad. When you're leaf blowing, you're always making more of a mess. So you eventually got to call it. Probably, dude, if I were him, no one's looking, I'd go right into that pool.

Let the filter take care of it. It's a pool guy's problem. Pool guy who was just here again. They're here every... Flicks it under the windows. It's the window guy's problem. They're probably trying to get you to fuck them. They're here every 10 minutes. Pool boys probably all slutty out there.

Last time they brought three. Three, there was two guys and a girl out there. The pool is... Pool is 10 feet long. Pool is a puddle. It's 10 feet long and three feet deep. Three people out there is crazy. Three person squads, nuts, dude.

I think they wanted to... They did, yeah, the last couple times. They brought the girls an offering. Pool girls. They'll invite us to stay. Maybe they'll open a couple beers. Now, pool girl, that's a cover of this. That's an asset, dude.

Ain't you with the pool girls. Crazy. First of all, no such thing. That's crazy, dude. Yeah. They came here last time. You guys were outside smoking dubies. You saw the pool girl? They think it's a good time over here.

Yeah, true. They bring all their buddies over. They go, they could be out there smoking dubies, smoking junk with the fellows. They go, holy shit, optimum noctus is there. And the girl at the pool house was like, oh, my God, I got to meet Gardini. The biggest hang, the best hang. Yeah. Number one hang in the creaking cave.

Number one hang. Congratulations, boys. It's official. I'm a surprise you guys got that because I hear nothing but almost, nothing but negative reports. We were surprised, too. I think it might have been some kind of sick joke.

I don't think it is. I think you guys are just, you're so depressed all the time about it. You know, everyone hates us. The Creek hates us. Everyone hates us. You got a trophy for best fucking guys to hang out with.

Best green room hang in Austin, Texas. Optimum Noctus. I presented the award to the boy. How does Tommy feel? Tommy was up for that award. I don't think he won another award. He won the Best Philly Transplant Award. Best Philly Transplant.

Yeah. Tommy Pope. He wasn't there to accept it though. This is outrageous. Yeah. We can pause if you want to. Tommy was up for Best hang? Best green room hang. Half these guys are probably fucking leaf blowing right now. They don't even notice. Yeah, true.

It's also a nice, I don't know. I think it's a nice little Yeah, ground. Sound bed. Yeah. Some ambient. I mean, I don't know. I am having trouble hearing you, though.

Oh, my bad. Oh, yeah, it's right. Your ears. That's stuff some music to my ears, man. A little two-stroke, a little two-stroke. I know, man. I know you. I'm hoping that's a two-stroke.

If I'm wrong on that, I'm going to be a bitch. A little two-stroke. All right. A little mixed fuel. Sounds like some mixed fuel burning over there. Do you ever put the mix? Do you ever fuck up the gas and put the wrong shit in? Yeah.

No. Dude, I put, I put, I put, I put, I put, I think it was me or somebody put regular gasoline into a weed whacker. My dad of my uncle's... They probably launched. Dude, they were so into siphoning gas.

You would blow a thing and then you would go... I remember my uncle goes, God damn it. Spits gas out of his mouth. I'm like, dude, what? Come on, man. Dump it out, man. Don't want to do all that.

It's hard oh shit. Be like, God damn it. He would siphon gas constantly. He just spit out a mouthful of gas. I was like, dude. True. Don't worry, fellas. I'll suck it out of there.

Oh, it's in my mouth. Ew. I know some fellows around here that would swallow it, but I'm not allowed to make fun jokes anymore. Really? I promise, no gay jokes. Two and five Canadians will hear the words, you have cancer. That's why every step and dollar-raised matters.

On September 19th, join thousands in Toronto for the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation walk. Challenge yourself, friends, and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research. Together, we can carry the fire and help create a world free from the fear of cancer. Register today at pmcfwalk.ca.ca. What?

Nothing. Nothing. Fair. That's an O.L. That's a year. It's graduated from PAs to OLs. True. That's how it goes.

That's how it goes. No, no, no, no, it's not an O-L. It's not an O-L. It's just... Bit of a O-L. It's only... It was only an O-L because, all right. No, we don't have to.

Well, now it sounds like I beg you to... We can edit this right out. I'm not editing it out. Goddney's turning on you. The Knoxist boy, the Knoxville is... It was the best hang in action. The best hang of... It was not real.

What happened? It's just... Oh, yes. Speaking of, we can just go straight into the joke world. How was it, guys? Host World. I see. The host world.

The host world. World Festival. That's so mean. He had a great time. Yeah, I had fun, too. I heard somebody was a little grumpy, no show. Well, who's Mr. Lava Lava. Yeah.

Mr. Borg. You didn't go. I wasn't grumpy. I was just a little sick, you know? You were under the weather. You brought influenza to host world. Yeah, and I had to, I dip. I wasn't hanging too much, you know?

Really? True. You keep its arrow right in his hiding. Yeah, so what happened? Give me the rundown at Joke World. The funny thing that I wanted to bring up was LaMere tried to get us all to go in on an Airbnb. I remember that. But he didn't mention why.

And then it turns out he's bringing a lady. Yeah. He just wanted us all to pay for the Airbnb. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was bringing you to the girlfriend, hell. You know, girlfriend to joke world. I've been trying for months. That's when it becomes serious world.

Yeah. Fight world. It was not so funny world. I tried for months to get them an Airbnb with me because I was like, yo guys, let's do this Airbnb thing because this hotel's going to stink.

Yep. Everyone was just going to be next to each other. Hit him with the Airbnb and she. And then I tried for like two weeks and everybody was like, no. And I was like, all right, I'm doing it. And you got an Airbnb chief for you and your bed. Yeah.

And they weren't allowed. You guys have to. That worked out for Gardini or whoever your roommate was. I didn't have to share a room with Lamar. Yeah, they were bumped up. But yeah, you got to share with somebody. So you got your own, who was in your quarters? Andy.

Andy Malafrita, we had a great time. We just kept, we would get McDonald's at the end of the night and blackout. We thought we were going to keep each other up with our sleep apnea, but don't even remember falling asleep tonight. You don't even know what happened. I did. I heard it. I heard it. Well, exactly.

I heard, you said, I heard a joke road was a hoot though. Really? Yeah. You have a hoot? I got my own hotel room. Oh. But that was because they, they, like, assigned us buddies. It was all double hotel rooms.

And, uh, when I found that out, I was at, oh, man, that might stink. And then I found out that my partner was Tommy. And, uh, I, I hit up Tommy. I was like, yeah, dude, we were bunking together. And, uh, and then I got a follow up email saying that I got my own room. So Tommy complained. Tommy didn't respond to me and then complained to the festival. I was like, bro, we're going to get to hang.

out so much. That's his eyebrows. I'm so excited. That's I was so lonely in my room all he can. That was masterful, honestly. Good for him. What the fuck? Fucking bullshit. I mean, that's fair.

I guess, man. Absolutely. Yeah. I was so down in the dumps about it. Really? No, that's such a nice truth. I was like, dude, we could watch cool videos. We can bring beers bag. And then I ate 12 chocolate chip cookies by myself in bed and got diarrhea at the festival.

I need someone there to stop. Crazy. Wasn't I begging you to buy those cookies? No, you were begging me to share them with you. And I said, no, thank you. They were overpriced hotel cookies. And I gave myself a really bad party starts. You mean the cookies back to the fucking four-man hotel room.

I'm in the dates, dude. I'm not proud. I'm not too proud to admit. gone in on some tates at a hotel. For sure. Yeah, there was a hundred. So what happened? He's in the house.

He literally's blowing the front door. So what happened at the festival? Just got hammered. We'll take a leaf flower break. I mean, we had a good time. We had a nice time at the festival. I don't know. I don't know.

I just got drunk. You guys were married. You just had a married. So I married. Good time. Black had a couple times. But the girlfriend in Airbnb bothered you a little. Uh, no.

Nassia Lamar made me a little sad. But the girl for Airbnb didn't bother me. Oh. I was just worried. I was trying to bamboozle us. And then I don't think Lamar would bamboozle you. I believe your explanation after. How was the experience?

I'm sorry for putting you on blast. Airbnb, yeah, it was a funny. It's a funny thing. How was the experience? from your perspective. These guys were pure fucking infantry down there, farting, blacking out.

Yeah. What were you doing? Just like going out to restaurants and shit. I was just laying down a lot. Just sleeping. That's the number one babe move. Let's go out to eat before the show. It's like, no.

I'll kill you. No. Yeah. Not now. Hey, here's four people I met in college once. Let's go out to eat with them before the show. So how'd you get into stand-up? I have a show.

I have a very important show. not going to have a sugary dauggery right before come on drink one of these yeah that's stone sober for most of the festival I said boys come on this is not Skangfest let's show some decorum here yeah I was so pissed at everyone partying the whole time

that's good I mean you guys just go down there and party and act like fools yeah man you're gonna put together a nice thing for you go this isn't good enough for me this hotel's not good it's our only friend on the internet it's our only friend online it's the only good guy that likes us yeah everyone else

we never see you guys act it out You guys, they completely disrespect You're like, you can't control me. From beginning to end. Start to finish disrespect. You got it. I heard you were skipping spots. You're going on that fucking bullshit.

I did extra spots. Seeing it in person was really just disgraceful. It was a disgrace. Oh, really? Yeah, well. Lov panties is what I meant. A lot of panties. It was a great time.

Lamerer told me Malfraner was carrying the fest. He said he was killing. And he's a beast. Yeah. Eddie was doing great. It's awesome. It's good to hear. He was a vibe, man.

Yep. Oh. That's all right. He held you down. I didn't do anything that wasn't fun. I've been nothing but nice. Sean did something. I didn't do anything.

He's exactly right. Yeah, you're pushing back. What are you pushing back on? No. I just, there's just a pause. He said he held me down. I was hammered.

So he got drunk and Andy held him down in the hotel. I'm just turned those cookies in a crumbs. He's pulverized. those kates. That was cookies and cream. Gardini was the highlight of the weekend. Was this at the festival before? But it was raining unexpectedly.

And none of us had umbrellas. And we walked out of the building. And there was like a group of like four or five of us. And Gardini went, oh, shoot, it's raining. It is also funny to see a bunch like nine dudes come out of two-wheeled tail rooms. Like, let us get our umbrellas really quickly. Excuse us.

Where are my gloves? In evening jackets. Like we were going to an assassin's funeral, you know? No, we just got wet. It was probably like the John Wick Hotel. All those assassins in one hotel? God damn, dude. Was Joe World the man?

Was he running around? Jake, he's the sweetest dude ever. Yeah, he's the sweetest. And it was like, well, Ron, I don't have any complaints about it. I wish I had something funny to make fun of him for, but he's just a sweet dude. and tried really hard. And, I mean, he would make so much more money

if he hated us and thought we were all gay. I know. He would make so much money. It's crazy how he let all the... There's 19 clip channels that think this is the gayest thing you could be doing and they're all like Mr. Beast numbers now. Yeah.

And Jake World's just like, no, this is cool. Yeah. Yeah, not even the gayest. They're like, these are the most morally repugnant human beings to ever walk the face of the earth. Yeah. YouTube plaque. Yeah.

there's blood on your fingers. In 2027, they're going to start threatening violence, I think. I think someone's going to be like, I'm going down to Austin. I'm going to put an end to this. I mean, hey, yeah. Those guys are out there for sure.

There's no shortage of those guys. Yeah. They're inky-baiting for sure. So matched. Yeah, unfortunately. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I've been having a good old time, man. I've been doing my summer,

my summer comedy clubs were awesome. Stardome, blast. Fucking, San Jose was fucking nasty. So, yeah, we had a good old time. Good old, good old time, man. That's great. Yeah, it's nice. I'm telling you, opening for you at the link,

like literally broke my brain. Yeah. Where I, like, now is, it's weird. I like, anywhere else I go, I'm like, I can't freak out anymore. I'm like, I don't, my brain can't. It used up all my freak out juice. Paul's.

And it just, I literally don't have it left now. I'm just like, okay, we'll see what happens here. Yeah. That was, yeah,

that was fucking terrifying. It was nuts. I was sitting in the third row with Lewis and we both had panic attacks just looking up and seeing people in the entire periphery of your vision if you looked straight into the sky. Yeah.

There was so many fucking people. It was real street fighter background. That like upper level, I'm like, this is a video game background. I can't. Your brain was just like, okay. The thing that sucks is when I brought out Chappelle, me and him were supposed to do like a lot of time together.

Yeah. We couldn't hear each other. Dude. You couldn't hear anything. I couldn't. We couldn't riff, dude. True. The impossible riff. Yeah, that's, every word I said I could hear it eight times. I'd be like, mm, good, good,

and the funniest part that made me laugh, I was like, up there, I'm like, all right, here we go. Chill out, we got this. Sound guys are probably fixing. I look over at them, like two minutes in, just I'm like me. Oh, right. I was backstage screaming.

I was like, why the fuck is it echoing like that? Fix that. What the fuck? Dude, they were doing shit. They were fucking up. Everyone was fucking that show up. Dude, we did like two sound checks. We did two sound checks.

There was so much going on. You know, they said they go, once people are in here, it's going to pad the sound and we'll be in that. Dude, it was every, they had that like the, that's why Shakira wears that fucking shit in her here. We needed, we got, we needed these. I know. You sure changed ourselves. should have rocks our lifestyle

we could have we had to do that I did that any other time I did Notre Dame we did that what the hell Zach Ryan's people do it

dude that would have been sick that would have been my new Facebook profile picture on stage with the earbud in would have been tight they were fucking up they tossed on there was no communication

about when the show starts they're like flyovers right now we gotta go I was like send it there's nothing we can do about that yeah sure they're like all right

get bam ready. It's like, don't get them ready. Yeah, wait. No one's in the fucking stadium. That's kind of fucked up. And they tossed him on screen for a minute. And he was like, you guys ready to start the show? And then I was like, no. Yeah. We're not going to send out meat mills. Give me my bam back. Yeah. That's my bam for the night. Exactly. Bam's mine for the night. Give me my bam. That's kind of fucked up. They just took your bam like that. Stole my bang. Dude, by the way, that guy fucking rules.

Bam, yeah. Oh my God. That was such a nice. It was so nice to meet him. he's the ultimate legend yes he's fully back he's back bro he i've seen him land in 360 kickflips dude he's back he let him back in his house he's back in castle band the return of the king dude that's awesome truly he's literally the return of the king he's the key forged the skateboard 100% the prophecy's been fulfilled

he's back i saw him with he's got his boy now he's got a little boy saw a video him with his little boy and everyone was saying he just looks he's like bam looks like don vito now why don't you eat him dude It's really funny. Yeah, he's, I fucking love that guy. Big bum. It was wonderful.

He's a full-on superstar. He literally became like a giant super. He did the full experience. It's kind of sick. What was happening to you this morning? You said something was going on? Oh, yeah. I had a really strange thing happened to me this week.

What was it? Well, I was, so I did the 30-minute gas digital thing. And, uh, I don't know. You guys have done like multiple specials. And the whole time at every juncture, are you worried that something's going to make the entire thing fall apart? Yes. From the second that you say yes to doing it,

you go, there's going to be a disaster that derails the entire thing. It's everything I do. Right. For sure. There's forest fires before the Eagles show. And I was like, I didn't even think about that.

Now there's smoke. My brother was spreading rumors that it was mass mandatory. And I, like, I for real, I for real, believe them. I was like, oh, dude, fuck. This is really. They were. I got, everyone was like, Are you canceling the show?

I was like, I'm not going to cancel. No, we're doing it. It's going to happen. Smoke added to it. Smoke was sick. Very end of the world. Very cool. Yeah.

So you were convinced. So every, so every juncture, I said yes. I was like, all right, it's going to get canceled. They're going to say they changed their mind. And then it's like, well, there's not going to be anyone there. And the show's sold out. And it's like, okay, cool. And then it's like, well, okay, now everyone's here.

They're going to see me fucking bomb. And then the shows went great. And then it's like, all right, well, you know, it probably didn't capture something failed. Like every step of the way, I'm waiting for the entire thing to fall apart, but it keeps going better and better. And it's like, whoa. There's like a tiny success instead of a failure. Every step of the way.

It never goes away. The edit, I'm going. The edit's going to be a nightmare. We're not going to be able to capture something. Dude, we cut it cut down perfectly into the time that we needed. And I was like, all right, well, now I'm going to, I'm going to upload it and no one's going to care. No one's going to look. They're going to go, I don't know what that crowd was, like the online viewer is going to hate it.

And so I just it's just a night I not at one point in the way I didn't get to enjoy any of the small victories. I didn't enjoy the night of the shows. I went well, this is just, I'm not even halfway there. And, uh, but it just keeps building and going great and, uh, all the way up into the day that it's supposed to come out. And I'm like hand trembling on the mouth. I'm uploading the YouTube video myself. And I'm just like there's going to be an issue. And then there was like a technical.

issue and then I'm like, this is the last fucking thing I need, dude. It's like, it's like, I said everyone, hey, come to my YouTube channel at 7 o'clock on Tuesday and check this shit out. I'm going to look like a fucking idiot. And I'm in the middle of troubleshooting it and I swear to God, the second that I figured it out and it's like

the last click of the mouse before the thing goes up and it's all scheduled and I got the, is the title correct? Is the description right? Everything is finally in place. My cat walked into the living room and dropped dead in front of us. It was waiting.

It was holding out. There. It's like a discused dog. Bro. What? What? Drop dead on the spot. We've had this cat for like 10 years.

He's older than my youngest son. Dude, we escaped the hood together. We had him in Kensington. He did. And I did. So the video is uploading and, and Mary Joe starts like freaking out. She goes, something's happening. And I, and so I go into the living room and the cat is laying on your soul for the, you.

I sacrificed. You literally, yes. I sacrificed for my dearest closest. What is the cat's name? Andy. Andy. All right. Dude.

Andy's on the floor in the living room and his tongue's hanging out and he's like, his eyes are wide open and his breathing's really slow. And I'm like, uh, uh, and she's like beside herself. She doesn't even know what to even try to help me. Hold on. I swear I had my phone in my hand and I'm like waiting on an email reply on something. I'm like, uh, and, uh, so I got down. And, uh, CPR.

I can't have them out of this. Did you really? You have to. I had to. Is there a specific thing for cats or same? No, I don't know how to do it for a human. So I'm like pumping his house. I'm like, Andy, wake up, buddy.

Come on, pal. And I, and I, and I cut my hand around his mouth. And I go, and his body goes. And I'm like, I think it's working. And I keep doing it. At one point, she has to be like, I think he's gone. So I'm just to go, God damn it. He's fucking my dead cat in the living room waiting for

an email about this thing. Then I just uploaded that. I'm like, I hope this isn't a huge disaster for me. You mark the time when you gave up on the cat. Call it. You're giving a meowth to meow. That's what I said to my wife, dude. The kids are at school, so they're not seeing

this. I had to call a service to come pick them up to cremate them for us. And I mean, the whole family's fucking crying, like headache crying with each other. It was like a religious moment of everyone. one just like sobbing by the time the kids get home. And I was, I was the one that broke the news of the kids.

And you were like also, specials get a lot of views. This is before it even goes live. This is before it goes live. So I'm like, you know, I'm like, guys, I don't know how to tell you this. I don't know. Andy, I don't know. We have no idea what happened. But he got.

You got into one of my fence. I actually died. I don't know where. And I go. And I tried to save him. And my wife starts going, and she's laughing, thinking about me, giving him that out of the mouth. But you don't know how Andy passed?

I think we had another cat from the same litter, and he died, like, as a kitten from the, like, in the same exact way. But they didn't do a polytopsie. I mean, that's how you said, get his book of world record. There was no Paul Topsy. I told Rainey said you gave him C-P-U-R-R.

So, fuck. That's a, yeah. That's tough. Rip Andy. So we haven't, so it's going, it's going, it's going, it's going, it's going, it's going, it's going, it's going. It's going, it's going, it's going, it's going, it was, but we were supposed to be like, celebrating and we just sat quietly at this nice restaurant. No one's feeling it.

The loss of Andy was big. The loss of Andy. The loss of Andy. Can I see a picture of Andy? Newt. It was an absolute nuke. It was an absolute nuke. nuke upon my household.

Andy was definitely like, all right, videos initializing. I've done my job. Got out of Kensington with you. Said, this is it. There's no more I have to offer you. I was done. Solid half an hour, another half in the tent. There's Andy chewing on his own foot.

Oh, damn. Yeah, he's the man. He made this really awful sound when he would chew on his nails. And it was like, that's Fritz talking to him. We're going to need this video for the... I'll send it to you guys. You guys are going to want to take a look at it. Andy. You're going to see Andy. He's a sweet guy.

That is a good cat. And yeah, so we haven't. And then also, it's like, my kids have never seen me do stand-up before. So we were going to like all watch it together. And it's like, 30 minutes of me being like, man, being a dad is really hard. You guys ever raise a teenage girl before? So they all watch, we canceled the viewing.

And they all went to bed and they all watched it in bed. And it's just like, my daughter's like, so having a teenage girl is really tough. Yeah. It's like, yeah, well, I was fucking joking. Yeah, that's crazy. You just proved my point. Dude, I'm in, this has been the most stressful week of my entire life. Yeah.

But the special's coming well. That's good. That's awesome. Cat died. Daughter's mad. I had some angry. The boys are depressed. I had some angry family members

from my YouTube special. Yeah, I mean, you got a ruffle fred that if you're not pissing someone off, dude, you're not even doing it right. I mean, yeah, we're the canaries in the coal life. It's sure. It is what is. They're not ready for, you know, you're speaking truth to power.

You're speaking truth to sisters. Speaking truth to daughter. Yeah. Yeah. really rue the day when my kids get old enough to be like, dude, what the fuck? You're like, it's not as bad as you think. Do you like your house? Do you like your car?

Yeah. Okay. Okay. I had to talk about jacking off for seven years. It's, yeah. Well, fucking 12 years. Yeah. Jesus Christ.

It's going to be fine, man. My daughter thinks we're all gay, but it's funny. My sons think this is that we're really cool guys. Yeah. Which is like, what an illusion, you know? Yeah. And it's not so bad. Yeah, it's, you know, it is what it is.

It is funny though. I have zero ability. to appreciate anything. As soon as anything gets done, if I'm doing anything, I'm like, okay, that's done. All right,

now I'm going to work on something else. They're like, no, you should really sit back and really take this in. I'm like, I can't. It's impossible.

I'm not capable of it. I did it at the link. That's nice. I made sure to, while I was on stage, to be like, all right. Done.

It was that, that and, first time SNL. Yeah. That was it and go. After shook hands with 900 people. Yeah. Just you and me

walked back into the studio. And it was like, that was sick. I got about five minutes of happiness there. 10 seconds of happiness in the lake. I still don't even like talking about it. I don't even discuss it. I can't even talk about it.

That just adds to you with deep though. That's kind of nice. That I'm unhappy with everything. Yeah, but you have to be, you have to just don't. I'd prefer not to talk about it. I don't like it.

I don't like it. It was intense. I don't want to talk about it. I have designs and tell me what you think about this. I want to enter you into high society. You have to make it. You have to now enter, like, high, like the Hilton's and make your debut. It's a whole thing.

I'm already there. You got to make your debut. What do you mean? You have to host like a gala for high society. I got to host a gal. And then come out and be like, ha, ha, ha, ha. Yeah. What a lovely evening?

And then everyone's going to be like, he's a buffoon. I could easily do that. You have to do it. Yeah. Now you have to conquer high society. I'm reading that. Thank you all for coming. Oh, yes.

Just chunk of a ton of beer. Oh, what a fine occasion. What a fucking say? Have you seen that giant cat? Yes, of course you have. Don't know where he's declawed. I was with high society at the soccer game this week. Are you really?

And they thought I was cheating on sweet bud light. What? Because the person next to me had a Dosaki's in the cup holder. And then somebody handed me a bud light. And they were like, dude, dude, the second the camera was on him, his agent was like, dude, you need a bud light in your hand. It's... Didn't even know the camera's on me.

I wouldn't have... It's a Vipers Den, brother. It's a Vipers Den. I'm reading that book right now. It's all about like Russian aristocracy. it's it's my favorite like the 1800s russian aristocracy or any aristocracy it's so funny everything you're always rising and falling if like your son does something weird everyone's even gayer well and TMZ ran an article that was like he was drinking bud light don't worry about it

oh that's even more a phone call somebody somebody did something and i texted who i texted people like don't do that ever whoever did that don't do that you fire publicist i was a little annoyed with whoever did that. And I don't know who did it. They won't tell me who did that. Your people are going to turn on you all at once. They're going to kill you like Anne Hage. For sure.

If you shine too high, if you shine too bright in society, someone will try to take you down. Of course. Got to be careful. Someone will start making designs on you. It happens in stand-up. All the time.

If you go on the road for somebody, people underneath, they're like, fucking piece of shit. I know. I'm going to bring him down. He's not as good as he says. The Knoxis boys will bring people down.

They'll stab them. I've seen you drag people to the dirt Now we lift people up All knockus is about is lifting people up Amplifying voices The guys who don't get a bunch of spots around town A spot at the noctus Then you drink a couple whiskeys

And you go you fucking Say thank you for the noctus Who invited you here I didn't say you could get on this stage Yeah you did You were just drunk again Fine get on stage Why is there 16 people

at this show right now. That's what happened. Three of them go their separate ways. Get drunk. Invite people to Noctus. There's 15 comedians on the Noctus. They go, who did that? They go, fucking piece of shit. Three people are actually flew here for this. It's the best green room hang.

It is a sick hang. What are the only green room with wings? Those are good wings. Where are those wings from? The truck. Yeah, delicious wings. Yeah, they're a yummy. Very yummy.

We got to do. We talked about, was that on the Patreon? We talked about hop-dotties for 45 minutes. Yeah, yeah, a couple weeks ago. We got to hit Doddies, bro. It's a burger place. It's not, this isn't pay for, you, bro. I'll be there.

It's fucking sick. You guys are gay-y-hires. And it goes to like 7 p.m. And again, not pay promotion. It's just, I love it. I went there recently. I went to a soft opening, so I got to eat there for pretty much free. And now I've been like, that's the best.

I talked to the regional manager, nice guy. it might be my favorite place in the world now. Guy's 60 years old, tell you what, he looks like he's about maybe 49. Guy looks good. He looks good for his age.

It's incredible. That's great for his age. I love to see an old man looking good. It actually kind of bothers me, to be honest. Yeah. When an old guy's like, still cares about his looks a lot.

See, this guy, though, struck me as an old, he's an old bar guy. So I kind of like an old bar guy to be like, yeah, man, drinking all the time.

I look fucking great. I don't know what they're talking about. That's obviously something I look like that. It was kind of not. Nice. It was definitely a victim. He was, he was cracking me up. I got a crush of the track that, I was running one afternoon. It was hot. And there was a guy there like completely white long hair, big white beard. He's like a slightly older boy with him. And he was just, he literally was like, it's great. See old guys like us getting after it. I'm like, oh, what on man? I'm only fucking 40. Let's fucking. What did he look like? And he had a young boy was a fucking Aristotle. Is this a Greek philosopher jogging? Could have been. This is my boy. could have been trying to get me into his feet. He's like, let's wrestle.

Who and I was fucking wrestle. All right, pop your clothes off. Pop your clothes off those trousers. Pop off those trousers. My little running shorts that don't wear underwear underneath. You run with no undies? No, if they have, I have shorts that have like a thing.

I love doing that. I always go to Brittany and go, I'm not wearing. Get away from you. Showing penis to the babe is really fun. Just show no reason sweaty flaccid penis being like, yo. you're ridiculous. That's nice.

It's a nice move. I wish they would do that back. That'd be great. Bro, a flash would be crazy. Yeah. Stretch one lip out of the side of the shorts. Thanks.

Thanks, mommy. Bro, I sat in some gum. That might actually alert me. We're out there. If we're out eating burgers or something, she went,

yo, go with some pickled onions? I mean, yo, you know, you know, oh, you know,

babe. Oh shit I seem to drop my earlobe Yeah just go Got your earloom Now it's down here All right Well gosh darned

We'll catch you on the Patreon Check out Tim's special Yo It's on my YouTube channel It's really good Where can they find it? YouTube.com slash Tim Butterley

It's 30 minutes Guestigua presents 30 minutes With Tim Butterley Please check it out I think you'll like it 30 minutes Nonstop Gutbusting laughs

Unbelievable If you're ready to crack up, check out. What's the name of it? 30 minutes with Tim Butterley. 30 minutes with Tim Butterley. Description below. Yes. Click the link below.

Thank you guys. Yeah. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's secret podcast on Spotify. Do it. Two and five Canadians will hear the words, you have cancer. That's why every step and dollar raised matters. On September 19th, join thousands in Toronto

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