Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 636 - Mr. Chili's (feat. Sam Tallent)

Episode Date: September 16, 2026

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod READ 'BRUT' a New Novel by Sam Tallent Available September 22nd Support Chubby Behemoth @ https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Sam Live @ http://samtallent.com/ Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Go See Lemaire Lee Live @ https://lemairelee.fun/ hello. We got the D.A.W.G. Sammy T on the cast for you this week. Check out his new book coming soon!!!! A lot of Chili's talk this week. I just love it so much. The food - the atmosphere - the memories. Man I just really love Chili's. Anyways, please enjoy. Read Sam's new book. God Bless. Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/DRENCHED and use code DRENCHED and get $150 if you win your first $5 lineup! Use code DRENCHED at https://BlueChew.com to get 10% OFF + Free Overnight Shipping on your first order Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Wow, Wow, Wes. Thankfully, I found the Idiot Brothers this morning. Dude, those guys are nice. They were. Who, why would they agree to do that interview? I think they love. I think it's cool. This would be sick, 60 minutes.

Yeah, I didn't, I didn't, like, I mean, this is kind of, I guess I don't know much about it, but I didn't know, like, lobbying was like, there was the individual people pulling the strings. I just thought, I just imagined some, like, giant machine that was just like, b-hmm. Yeah, I don't know. No, like, lobbyists are very good at face-to-face. Like, they're the ultimate, like, trickster swindlers. So they're like they're the best guy at the bar. They're the best used car salesman that ever existed. How would you describe lobbyists?

Huh? Swindlers. Trickster Swindlers. Yeah, yeah. You said it, brother. I'm not in the industry as deep. I don't know all the terms. Is that anti-Semitic somehow? Trickster swindlers?

Yeah. I've got a globalist. Well, okay. All right. The global is full Jones. Yeah, yeah. Well, for real, though. Have you read the articles as I on?

I'm sorry. I was watching it just kind of like I didn't know anything about lobbyists and I was like all of them are Jewish like all of them are very Jewish you would think

shame on the network it's like dude do a little just do a little names and a couple other guys yeah yeah there's gotta be a bunch give me a Native American woman

yeah yeah shame on 60 minutes 60 minutes was getting people fired up yeah they were it's pretty nuts and I will say again it's like

I haven't seen I didn't know there's still guys like the older guys maybe, but there's a young guy being like, hmm, yes, of course. I haven't seen such a refined gentleman in so long. Yeah, he was pretty cool. Very refined, cool gentleman. I liked him. Was he rubbing his chin?

Not even. He was just very... Holding frame and kind of dominated the 60 minutes old woman. He was. And his countenance was crazy. I've been trying to work on my countenance. He had it. You could tell it's been like, worked into him for a long time. What does that mean when you're working on your countenance?

Like you're trying to make your face harder? Yeah, very... Okay. So if she said something that he disagreed with, he'd be like, and he would like make this like very cool face out. You'd instantly be like, yeah, dude, you're right. He's right. Yeah, people back in the day, countenance was a thing. Oh, yeah. Or swag, it was all countenance.

You'd be like... Wrestling bitchface was encouraged in men for like 200 years. It's just glower and like look at your mule. I think what I liked about them was I was kind of weird. I was kind of staring at our own reflection. Yeah. There was a man. There's a young man with such countenance and passion.

And then there's just a hungover, clearly drawn. guy in a suit that's like, yeah, I don't know what the fuck you want. Wasn't even trying to hide it. He was just leaning forward. Bloodshot eyes leaning forward. Ridiculous. Yeah, whatever. We don't know.

That was pretty awesome. Fucking Biden sucks. I couldn't agree more. Yeah. I don't watch 60 minutes. I missed out on this. These two are really, they're a great couple. Yeah.

I just, I've been watching suits. They kind of reminded me of the classic pair. It's a good pair. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about? You ever see suits? No, I have. It's all about high power lawyers and it's all pretty cool. It's like an old cheesy show.

No joke. When you said classic pair, I thought Anna Nicole Smith. Classic pair boobs. That's where my head went when I heard that. You're taking me, that's like my primordial fat material. Yeah. Classic page. Dan Nicole Smith.

Oh, yeah. Come on, man. She was like very beautiful, but I'll see her like, I think I can land her. Like if she was at a Buffalo Wild Wings and so was I at midnight. She was fucking a 95-year-old man. Yeah. Yeah, but for the Chichula. No.

She just like them. He's like old wrinkled balls. Put your balls on my head. I'll be a huckleberry. Pulled my colostomy bit. I'm a huckle, man. Yeah, I thought that she got, I liked that she did that,

and I liked to pleasuring myself to her as a boy. Yeah. You know, I always hear about the Anna Nicole Smith type with that old man, but like just now, as you said that, I, for whatever reason to imagine, it's like, it's such an old decrepit man ejaculating. I've never, it just, I was like, oh, man. You know, it's not Dushing.

Yeah. It's like when you cut the corner off a bag of milk and it kind of spurts a little. And a naked, 95-year-old man just lying there. He looks like an alien. Yeah. It's like a skeleton coming.

An autopsy tape. His nurse probably has to place him on top of her and like help thrust. Yeah, big Jamaican lady just come on now. Come on now. Come on. It looks like a Halloween decoration. Yeah.

The fall of sleep, it must be, you must be as you're coming, you're falling asleep too. So you probably like, lose consciousness as you i would imagine i bet it wakes him up i bet the coming like brings him back to life really yeah probably i completely agree with straight to nap i think he's going i think he's out for three or four days kind of like rocking a baby i think a yeah 95 year old man getting an an an an and a cole smith suck that's putting him down for a week he's done he's in the crib for five days he probably

kept him alive probably reverse vampirism she's like like as soon as he probably he probably She's like, and then it's just like, yeah, it's like a... And I can't wait to have sex with you tonight. This is going to be huge. Okay, I'll see it. Patient woman picks him up, get some hard. She got paid out of that, didn't she?

Oh, yeah, yeah. She got paid big time? She passed away. She died. I remember, overdose or... It was like the... I think it was the over-the-counter speed pills that she was selling.

It was called like Zenandrine or whatever. Oh, yeah. Remember those? It was like hydroxycut. And I remember after she died, my trim spa, Yeah, the connoisseur, LaMere. My band was on the road, and after she died, they couldn't get rid of Trim Spa. Like, it was automatically like, oh, this killed Anna Nicole Smith.

So at Walgreens, they had, like, 10 bottles of Trim Spa for, like, $10. And me and my buddy just ate Trim Spa and played our punk rock songs, like even faster and faster. Those things fucked you up, like the stackers and, well, no, they're called the yellow jackets. Oh, yeah, they're just truck stop speed. Yeah. My friend used to crush them up and snort them. White crosses? It was just like, yeah, it was just like, Jesus, man.

I was always a sissy Me too, dude I would never do that I've never taken a gas station drug Dude I'm with you on that I was I was terror I'd watch him like hold on I gotta get some Bebeil whatever the fuck they were called

And he was munch him and snored him I'm like bro we're going bowling What do you're playing laser tag Yeah Sounds I know He did kick my ass though What the fuck He was probably launched that fucking

I don't 85 miles in the lane Holes in the lane Oh man A lot of gas station drugs. Did you? For sure. Yeah. I'm terrified on, man.

I mean, back then we didn't know. It was like, that's where you got your salvia. So, of course, you'll get some of the weird pills. Yeah. Salvia out of a bong. Maybe the worst thing. Yeah. Don't you wish you could just hit skip on the worst parts of your life?

You know the same way you can skip an ad. I get it. I'm Siaia and I live in Ice Cove. I've made some questionable decisions that didn't end up the way I planned. And today I'm still figuring. Bring it out. Somehow things usually get worse before they get better. Apparently, that's how I roll.

So bundle up and come along for the bumpy ride. Stream a new episode of North of North Tuesdays on CBC Gem. I'll tell you what. I had a nice Sunday watching some football over at Chili's. Did you really? It's a really nice experience. Back to the HQ. Back to the HQ.

Send a nice photo to the group text about Chili's. Sean Gordini said, I'm glad you guys discovered Chili's. I love it there. Pouty. Oh, he claimed Chili's father. He claimed Chili's father. I mean, what a crazy move. I haven't heard him say Chili's once.

All of a sudden I go, I like Chili's. He goes, yeah, I put you on to that crazy move. Only time he says Chili's when he's cold and he needs his jacket. I think there is a big misunderstanding. I just love Chili's. That's all I was trying to say. You love Chili? I've spent all of my birthdays and Chili's.

Until I was like 18 years. What happened to Hooters? Hooters was Mother's Day. Mother's Day was Hooters. What? Yeah. Was he your grandma? My grandma loves Hooters, so we would go there every Mother's Day.

It's awesome. And I love Chili, so we would go there for my birthday every year. And my parents would let me bring my friends. Was your grandmother there like a lesbian lady? Well, I used to, yeah, I don't know. She says she just likes the wings, but she might like the thighs and the breasts. That's what every man's ever said. Yeah.

That's probably someone from the late hubby. He's probably like, these wings are really good. That's what I thought too. Yeah, my grandpa would hang out there a lot. And then he would go, oh, the wings are fantastic. And then she kind of just bought it after. Did he pass away? He has passed away.

Yeah, she's still with her. She's 88 years old. And she, yeah. Yeah, that's a nice remembrance. Yeah, she, like, we used to go to Hooters together. Yeah. I have photos with, like, my grandpa at Hooters and with the girls and stuff when I was, like, a child. I used to go to Hooters to watch WWF paper views.

Oh, that's nice. It was, it was awesome. Yeah, I remember that every time, this is probably the whole business model, but I remember going in high school and being like, there's a chance. There's a chance. She smiled at me.

I think I could. You're getting used to strip clubs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're getting used to strip clubs. Oh, she loves me. She sat at the table for 10 seconds. teaches you how to be horny in front of your friends. Yeah.

Play it cool. Not dropping. Girls at the table, everybody stares into their Coca-Cola's. Yeah, or up at the ceiling. Yeah. See a guy come out. She went to high school at Chatfield? That's great.

Finally you go, can you just get out of you? here we're trying to watch the undertaker. I'm sorry, come back. I shouldn't have done that. I used to get jealous of the guys who come out of the kitchen with like a bandana on it. It's probably their boyfriend. Fuck, yeah. Definitely their boyfriend. I know. Fucking line cooks them. He fucks them and sells him Zanax.

It's the best job in the world. God, the guy's so fucking cool. Yeah, those guys are cool. You used to, one of your friends would try to eat the hottest wings to impress them. You'd have diarrhea? They were tough. Ugh. God, I used to get sick off of hot sauce constantly. I still do. But stealing Chili's Valley, really. I wasn't trying to steal Valor.

I do love Chili's. Glad you guys discovered it. Interesting. I mean, I do that was good. It was kind of tick you off. It was really fun. And I had a good time.

I won. And you were in Chile? It's not a competition. By the end of the day, he was going, guys, can we just drop it? So you received a text in Chili's? No, I received the text the next day. I was in bed.

It was a great start to the day. I said, oh, here we go. Yeah. You didn't need coffee. You got a fight. There are two fights simultaneously going in the group text. There was two other guys were fighting. It was good.

I just love chilies, man. That's all I wanted to say. When's the last time you went? It's been forever. A couple, maybe a couple months ago now, but I order it on my phone a lot. I was saying that in the group text. I order Uber eats chilies and put the garbage in the outside trash can so nobody knows that I ordered Uber each chili. You eat the chilies in your garage?

In my living room. room. While smoking? No, I smoke after I eat the chilies, but yeah. If you're ordering chilies to your house and then lying about how much you love chilies. Well, now I just realized that I said it on the podcast, so I can't lie about it anymore. Yeah. Once I liked it, then he's Mr. Chilies. Yeah, became the coolest thing in the world. Once I go, guys, this is a great time. He goes, I actually, I've always been that. So that's not true. So that's my thing that you are doing. I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry that you took it that way. You certainly intended that.

I didn't think it was going to be... So there's a big text to that rage. Yeah, how many hours did that last after that initial text? Five hours at least?

Like a five, six hour thing. I'd forget about it then I'd go right back. I'd go, yeah, fuck you, Sean. And were there sides? Or was it just pretty much

a bloodbath? It was just me and Sean going back and forth. Got you got you. Having a private conversation. Having a private text and 12 people. It was fun.

It was fun. But, yeah, sorry. I accept your apology. I'm glad you apologize. It's a big man to apologize. Can we crown a Mr. Chili's? Can we crown a Mr. Chili's? I don't think it's a competition. My picture's on the wall of Chili's.

Well, that was my... That's the end. That's my argument. Probably is. I don't go there. Look at the merch. Look at the... I got my... I drip my boys out. I put...

The mayor's wearing a chili shirt right now. If I go to Chili's, everybody eats. My dad's getting a chili shirt. He's not ordering it alone and... Yeah, I'm not ashamed of my chilies. Well, this is my thing. is like, I go to Chili's for the love of it, you're going to get your picture on the wall.

Wow. Wow. I've been going to go to. Digging and digging and doing. You're saying you got to eat a little Chili's just to feel normal. Yeah. You love the dirt. It's home, you know.

It reminds me of my child. And I appreciate Shane doing a lot for the Chili's brand. Yeah. I love chili. You're on the board. And like, I hope he could start to franchise them and then maybe I could get a little discount. You, I swear to God, I went in.

And I said, have you guys ever seen this man? I held up. And they said, we've never seen. He's never set foot in the Chili. Is that young Orville Retenbacher? Yeah, never. I'm going to call the owner, see if I can get like your debit card signature, like the Charlie Kirk murder receipt.

It was just the only thing I could like it to do. No, I'd love to get it. And YouTubers like, actually, I've examined the EBT signature. It is not Sean Gardini. It was not him. Also, Chili's does not take EBT. I looked into that as well. Whatever it's called.

Just an ounce of proof that he's ever even been to at Chili's. We've been Chili's together. Multiple times. Snakes. Take the shirt off. Take the Chili's shirt off. Pop it off.

And my shorts. And give him his phone back. Take off my clothes. Dave. Give you my hat. You turned on me. You turned on me. Sean, take off my shirt.

It's just new shirt. Take all three of you are wearing my clothing. How dare you turn on me. Is you all have to be naked. Sean claimed chilies. Now you're all stripping. Yeah. Oh.

Oh my God. You're all wearing your clothes. Yeah, we are. I didn't realize that. Oh, my God. Not everyone needs everybody eat. Everyone gets dressed. You're like all of their Maslow's

hierarchy of me. You're at the peak of it. And they still lash out. I know. And they still say, I love chilies more than you. No, you love chilies more than me.

And I would love to go to Chili's with you on. They're going to cut your fucking head off. They're too sleepy. They'll never get me. I hope we can go to Chili's one day and we will never go to Chili's together. Oh, wow. You and I will never be in a Chili's together ever.

The peasants are going to rise up, man. I will literally get you. I'll say, this guy has been threatened. me and threatening the Chili's. I'll get your picture on the wall. From corporate. Do not serve this.

Yeah. Please don't do that. I really do love chilies. Shows up on his birthday. They're like, get the fuck out. Get out of here, you creep. Did he shoot a gun in the air? You've got 10 seconds.

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That's code drenched to get $150 instantly in lineups. if you win your first $5 lineup, prize picks. On your game. Wow. Thank you, man. You're a great reader. But, yeah, it was nice to see the bros rolling into Chili's.

Yeah. The guy that rolled in on the scooter was tight. Was it LaMere? No, I mean, he did resemble. He had LeMere. He was like a goth kind of psycho-looking dude. He looked like he... He was a beast.

He was a beast, but he did have, like, you were watching him the whole time. His vibe was very... He was a future goth. We watched him hit a... scooter. He had robot legs. He had a murdered out scooter. Fingilus gloves. Sick assail. Just watched Blade. He was hype on. Like, three chains on.

He had a satchel. Fingless gloves. Leather bracelets, probably. Did he walk the scooter like a gentleman inside? Folded it, put it inside the chilies. They valeted it for him. Was he an employee or is this a steam guest? He was an esteemed guest. There were several esteemed guests that did continuously hit that

corner of the Chili's after he left a new esteemed. Yeah. It was just grab a man you post up in the corner and just stand. He just vamping. That's vamp. He vamp. Yeah, that's vamp. He took his, like, all-black helmet off, waft his hair, but he just was like a little

cycle. Like, it just was. He was great. He was just, yeah. I thought it was a mobility scooter. You're talking about, like, yeah. Okay. Yeah, that makes more sense for a vampire.

No. Yeah. And that he hold it, like, under his arm? Is he ate his? No, it was a big-ass scooter. I'm not the helmet. Did he, like, brandish the helmet? I don't know where the helmet went.

Okay. I went back to hell. Yeah. I sent into a portal back to hell. Turned into bats. Kind of GTA to helmet like took it off and put in the pocket. I don't know what happened to it. I haven't been to a Chili's in a while.

I think my wife's... You got to go, man. It's... 32nd birthday. You're going to love it. I mean, I've done my time. You're going to love it. Yeah.

I'm glad you're just discovering it now. I'm going to ask for the Shane special. Thank you. 900 ounce bud light. Yes, yes. It's a fire hydrant full of beer. You want a small or a big one? Come on, man.

Come on, man. What do you think I'm here for? Come on. I don't want to remember leaving, baby. Give me the big one. Yeah, me and Nate were flying somewhere and I was in desperate need of some food. Nate goes, dude, chili's actually.

Chili's not that bad. Chicago. O'Hare Chili's. Really? O'Hare, dude. Was that actually the one? O'Hare's chili. He was either there or Dallas.

One of the other. However, I say O'Hare, I want to Frontera. I want to Frontera. Rick Bayless, Frontera. Oh, yeah. That might be the best O'Hara restaurant. They make a tortilla soup. Oh, God, I love tortilla soup.

Dude, soup's really good. They drop the cheese in, it melts, and it goes all to the bottom. Yeah. It's your soup, and you just pull out a glob of melted juice. And they had that at Applebees. Oh, you know, you don't... I'm glad you found out about it.

Because I go there every year for my birthday. I fly to O'Hare, and I go there. I've never mentioned it once. I go there every year. But it's your whole thing. It's my entire thing. So I'm glad you and you found it. Actually, Uber eats it all the time.

I Uber eats it. It flies in private. And the tortilla soup is my favorite. So I'm glad you got to try it. Matt's on the wall in chilies. Yeah, I am. Made it. He ate the most t-shirts.

God, dude, he's seeded. When he found out we made the wall of chilies, he was like, oh. Not true. It's just funny. The one time you show enthusiasm for anything, you get blasted for it. And one time you're like,

like that. Everyone's like, fuck you. Buckle up for five hours. Yeah. Yeah. I'd do. I had a... I've been... It's frog season right now. Big time. A lot of toads kicking around. You don't have to tell me. Every night... Every night outside my house,

there were more starting to dwindle off, but I let my dog out and she goes and hunts down toads. So I've been catching toads, bringing them in, and I'll show my kids them in the morning. They keep fucking escaping my cage, though. It's pissing me off. What? I'm glad you discovered catching to. Really? Yeah, we always catch toes. It's like my favorite thing on my birthday. On my birthday, I catch toes. Bro, they pee in your hand every fucking time. Because they think that you're gonna crush them. Yeah. Is that why they do that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like a death release. Dang. Yeah, it's gross, dude. Yeah, anytime you pick up a frog, you're just like, oh, why did I do that? And they pee right. Yeah, it's, what did I think I was gonna get out of it? What did I think I was gonna get out of it?

They picked up a toad and then passed out on the hot tub. What? What? What? Oh, you might have been here. What happened? It was when we were like playing pool basketball for six days straight. And it was like a bunch of frogs I caught one, which I never would do. I had this blacked out. I don't really.

He was obliterated. I got him a nice video of a very, very drunk Navy. Like, yeah. And I remember peeing and thinking it like, I was like, I think the frog done it. That's what I said. I just, it was a good night. Moments later, he was asleep on the concrete. That was a picture.

Stunned you with its venom. Yeah, the tone got you. That was the last time I got drunk. was here. And then as he passed out, I just went out there and did turn around fadeways in the pool for like an hour and a half. And I came back at one point and I was like 20 in a row and no one gave a shit. I was like, come on. 20 in a row. Yeah, man, fuck. I don't really enjoy touching animals. I like dogs. I'll touch a dog. I love a dog. But man, like a bird. Someone has a bird in their house and they want to like, hey, hold the birds. It's like, get the fuck away. Yeah. I'm telling you, if you're out there with your dog, your dog's, it's dark. So you can't even see anything. That's exciting. Your dogs are. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I'll keep my kids up and we'll go toad hunting at nighttime. When we catch them, they're like, ah, and in the morning they come down,

like, you want to the seat in the cage, and I'm like, fucking got away. The fucker's going. How are they getting out? So I don't have, I haven't,

like, an aquarium tank, but I don't have the mesh lid yet. It's coming in a couple days. Is it in the garage or where? No, it's in my, it's like in my backyard.

Okay. Like in the backyard, I put dirt and you got to add a lot of humidity. So I put a bunch of water in there. And I was thinking they were, like, burying under the dirt, which apparently they will do.

Dude, I have like this old garden fence that's like a, you know, like a grid. So the slats are like that big. A toe could escape, but I have three panels. So I lay them criss-cross. So it's like a tiny little hole. I'm like, dude, he's had to jump, grip and do like a pull-up.

There's no way. Both have gotten out. I mean, you're building them a prison. They're going to be able to do pull-ups by the end. Yeah. They're trading all night. Yeah. Convert.

But I got the magnetic strip kind of mesh thing coming this weekend. We're going to keep that toad in there. You're growing battle toads now. I know. I'm getting him jacked. The last one I call it was a real, he was a real fucking firebrand. Like it's bigger than your hand or smaller?

About the size, literally hand size. Oh, wow. Just palm, palm of the hand. Yeah, yeah. There's like the beginning of the season. There's like three or four in night. And I got kind of like cocky. Now I got to really set my love.

I was really hoping this aquarium was inside your house. No. You're continuously just releasing clothes in your house. Well, I hear them. I hear them. You're trying to sleep at night. Dude, they're loud of shit. I hear them in my garden now.

You'll hear that like chirping. I'm like, they're fucking out here. You got to get them. I got a lot of toads. You should take some gas station meth and fucking squish toads out near garden. Go toad Rambo. Go insane. I want to release into the pond.

That's where they're trying to get to. But yeah, I'll get one this weekend. I'll keep you up to date. But I'm going to Friday night. I'll get you some picks. I got some picks. I got some picks. I got some videos.

Yeah, that's good. It's dude, she's just walking all of a sudden. She turns and I'm like, get them, Tility. Yeah. She's fucking. She hasn't, she hasn't bit one yet. No. She'll just like put her face on them.

She won't eat them. Kind of get afraid a little. Yep. She'll put him jump back. Then like chase it around. She's running on the street like three times now. I have to be like, yo, yo, yo, chill, chill, chill. You raised her right?

I did. She's just nosing the toes. She's not eating. She's not even though. I've been training her with the shoes. I trained her properly. Oh, yeah. She bit someone else's shoe.

She attacked someone's shoes recently. Oh, no. My cousin had wheelies on. My little cousin just skated around on wheelies. Matilda was like, What the fuck are those? It was a child cousin, right? Shane has big, yeah, little tiny child cousin.

Shane had these like military boots when we were living together in Philly and he would, Milittle was like a puppy and he would go, ah, and she would like spaz. If she sees work boots now, she tries to bite them. Yeah.

To this day, someone comes to my house to fix anything. I have to like lock her away because she'll bite their shoes. Do you remember how much? That was a good day. Dude, remember how easy it was to have fun when you were fucking poor? Yeah.

You're just on a couch that isn't yours. Fucking, with some like second, like third hand shoes. It was a folding chair. Yeah. front of a TV. Yeah.

Your dog hates shoes. That's crazy. You're wiping with Chipotle napkins. Yeah, it was the best time. Yeah, it was awesome. It was funny, too, because, like, I used to just put that dog in, like, my room and go do stand-up. I'm like, all right, be good.

And she was, she was from the, always a good dog. She bit an HDMI. I had a 60-foot HDMI cord, and she chewed it up one time. I remember, I gave, I punished her. The last, I would say, the last dog I spanked pretty hard. And, uh, and then I fucking do. dude, I just taped the cord up, put it back in the box, return it to Best Buy.

And I was like, did I hit my card? And they started pulling out of the box. It was like, later. It was like, it was like, yeah, I'm not taking a bath on this thing. I do install the HDMI cord in the helium Philadelphia. I put that in. Oh, yeah. Because they only had one screen that would work.

And I'm like, you guys need one more cord. You can have your both screens work. And they're like, we'll see what they do. And I was like, you know what? Fuck this is we had a show. And I was like, I'm going to buy a cord and install it. Was that digital graffiti? It was.

God. I would hear tales of that show. It would, like, Rumbles would, like, Mecky Leeper and came out one time and told me about the show in Philadelphia. And I was like, oh, my God. It was too brutal. It was too powerful.

I don't know if we could do it now. I don't, I, it would be, especially filmed. I don't know if we're evil enough to do it. It's so evil. Isn't it just like I'm on stage and then a bunch of people are tweeting like he's gay and fat behind me? The meanest possible things they can think.

And the crowd, the worst part of it is, is the crowd laughs uproariously in your face. And it's not things you say, right? And you don't know. what they're saying. So you're going like, what are, so then your insecurity start kicking up. What are they saying? They're saying my biggest insecurity. Yeah. And you're just, and you guys try to do stand up.

The audience does not give a fuck about what you're saying at all. They're just laughing at you in a bad way. It's terrible. I mean, it sounds very freeing once the ego death takes over. It is an ego death. You ever been on stage and something happens in your chest and you're like, oh, I'm going to die. And then you're like trying to do your dumb jokes. And then while you're up there, you just accept that you're going to die on stage at the Milwaukee Improv.

Dude, I for real have done. this so many times. So many times. I'm ready to hit the eject button where I'm like, it wouldn't be that weird if I was like, hey guys, I'm going to have to take like 10 minutes to go sit down backstage. I'll be right back. No, no. I say let me go down up here. That'd be the best thing ever. That's the thing. I usually I'll go, you know what? I'm just going to

ride this wicked energy. Then you kind of just do it. Then you go, all right, I'm good now. He died doing what he loved. Getting clips. Trying to remember your jokes. What are you, dumb bitch? Are you Cambodian and Lao? Any Filipinos in the room? What a fuck?

Yeah, I had an extremely sharp pain in my chest once and I was like, it was the worst one ever. I was like, this has to be a hard thing. And I was just getting into my closer. So I was like, just fucking do it. Just get through it. Yeah. And I got off stage and I was very embarrassed to tell everyone.

I think I might have just had, I think I had a hard thing. I don't people do have, like, don't people have tiny attacks in there? I feel like it does happen. I could have sworn I had one in my 20s. Like, I for sure thought I was having a heart attack. I think I had one like two days ago.

I'm constantly thinking I have heart attacks. And then not telling anyone. And I'm alone in a hotel room somewhere. And I'm like, well, I guess they're going to find me in here. Yeah. God, Brookfield, Wisconsin. Try to get like a cool pose. Just like.

You're not nude. If I think I'm dying, I put underwear on. Dude, being discovered dead in the thinkings man pose would be nice. It's just. It's like the Suvius, but you're like. Yeah. Unfortunately, it's all going to be the Pompey guy. It's all going to be a whole thing.

Holding you dig. For sure. While crying. Was there a guy holding his dick from the lava? Yeah. And it's in like a museum case. I've seen it. Yeah.

He's on his side. Clearly jerking up. I mean, having lava burn through your hand and finally get to your dick, I'd be so pissed. I mean, that's me dying on stage. That's me being like, I'm going to do what I like. This is how I was built to die. Yeah, it's that heart attack. And I also have like, I've seen enough of those YouTube's of people being like,

um, um, um, um, and just completely glitch out. I'm like, I'm definitely going to do that one time. I don't know. I think that after you do it long enough, you're like, your body knows. I feel like I would like, my body, I'd be like, all right, thank you,

buy a t-shirt. And then as soon as I'm off stage, that's when my fucking stroke happens, you know? Yeah, yeah. You're such a showman. So dedicated to the craft. That'll be nice.

Is there a better way, though? Like, like, you're on stage. You're killing? Like, the last thought you have is like... That's, it all depends on if you're killing. Fuck yeah. Yeah, yeah. Exactly.

Yeah, like, all right. You're not a waste. If it was just an average normal. I'd rather be bombing and die. Go down fighting. I'm going to get out of this. Try new. You tried the one new one.

It just kills you. Of course. That's actually not what I was trying to say. 40 minutes in, you blow it, you can't close. You pull out your own gun. It'd be cool if they armed us on stage. Yeah.

You should. They should arm us and teachers. Yeah. The real heroes, the frontline warriors. Teachers for sure. You got to give teachers guns. When you did Eagles? Why not?

Just because. I don't even care. It'd be cool if a teacher had a gun. It'd be nice. They'd give them a little more confident. But like an AK strapped to their chest. Yeah. Like not a little pocket piece.

Yeah, that'd be nice. Like a sawed off shotgun. Just a strapped like an assault rifle strapped on their shoulder. What's the capital of Liberia? Imagine that though. Monrovia. Yeah.

It'd be fun as a fun teacher prank to me. You don't have your homework? like ah come on let's get let's do a better just like one throwing star over the kid's head yeah yeah corporal i would like uh what is it called corporal punishment uh huh oh they should a little bit a little bit of that i think i think tuning up the kids a bit would be helpful just not like super hard but like a systemized just one of these behind the ear yeah dave t style bang boxing ears would be nice oh you can pop one man pop a kid's eardrum that you can't listen to you at all fucking medically should have fucking paid attention

I got I gotta go to Waze to Well after this So I'm thinking about that It's weighing heavy on me What is it? I'm gonna get I made a mistake

Because I'm taking fill in Nice Got a fucked up knee Yeah like we can Oh is that stem cell thing They're always trying to get you to do At the mothership There's a guy there every time I'm there

And he's like come on in man We'll fucking inject you with blood You'll be all right I'm like what? Who are you? I don't know they cured Aaron Rogers No no I think it's an actual medical thing I think they can get Phil Gillis

I think they can get Phil. I'm not really crushed my hand with it. I didn't want, I don't want Phil to get another knee surgery or something. Yeah. So I was like, yeah, we'll come down for Texas Ohio State football while we're down here. See what happens. Get some embryo in there. But then I made a mistake of being like, well, while if I'm going in, I'll fucking.

Yeah. I'll get something. They're like, is anything wrong? I was like, my knees crackle. They're like, great. We'll do that. And now they're like. Needle, dude.

Yeah, but then they're like, it's going to hurt. Yeah. And as soon as they said that, I was like, oh, no. Well, I don't need this. Also, I googled knee crackling, it's fine. Yeah, I would think so. It is. Dude, Spud?

He was going to get the stemies or something like that, and they're like, oh, no, you just need, there's another thing they do if you don't need the stem cells. They just get a thick gauge needle and just fucking puncture your tissue. And that kind of relaxes it somehow. So they were just, like, stabbing him with, like, a fucking heart. If they're doing that, I'm saying no. Yeah, dude. You can also just get an IV drip, which I'm going to do that. Yeah.

Can you do that? Yeah. It doesn't have to, like, go to, like, the specific cell? If I had like something actually wrong with my knee. Yeah. Which that was the mistake of saying. Bro. I don't know if I'm anything wrong.

I was like my knees crackle. They're gonna look. They're gonna fucking dude. I know. I'm thinking about a needle into my knee today. That sucks out. I wouldn't be able to podcast. If I knew I was due for a needle,

I'm fried. I hate needles. Big needles into your knee. While your dad's there so you can't cry. Then I was like, well, if it hurts, I don't want to do it. Dude,

it's like a three. Three out of ten. Who's three? A woman's three is like a man seven. Yeah. Fuck. You're getting a, for real, you're getting a needle. Matt, I don't need any of your jokes.

Yo, for real, that sucks. I'm sorry to hear you're getting a needle. I still, I'm like a four-year-old. If I hear I have a needle, I'm kind of like. Yeah, I've been thinking about it for a week. It sucks. When I get blood taken, I, for real, like, jokingly asked the old, like, the nurse to hold my hand. And then she'd be like, ha, and I'm like, get you, for real, please hold my hand.

I'm definitely looking away. They can be like, relax. You have to relax. I can't. Last time I got my blood drawn, I was like, how long are you been in phlebotomist? And she was like, oh, six weeks? Oh, oh, the worst fucking answer.

Dude, I still have a fuck. Someone scarred me down here. Oh, wow. I had like a little track mark, dude. Like, it hurts. It's like bubbled up. Every time I touch it, I'm like, bitch. Yeah, I think I'm not going to do this.

Yeah. She was fucking mean. You don't have to. No. No. They could clean your blood or something, though, while you're there. I don't want him to clean my blood. I'm just going to get a,

Dude, just sprint. Just a nice idea. Run in there and be like, all good guys. Fucking knees. Yeah, yeah, knees good. Stop crackling. Just start jumping in front of them. I'm fine.

They kept calling and being like, so how bad is the pain in your knee? I was like, zero. Yeah. I just said it makes crackles. Dude, they want in on those knees. And they're like, what have you been doing for PT for your knee? I'm not rehabilitating my knees. Yeah.

Like, what's the injury? Like, there's no injury. I just panicked in a fucking questionnaire. I wanted to fit in. You had to have a response. There was no fucking, it was like, what do you need? I was like, knees. Uh-huh.

Like, so what's going on all your knees? Nothing, nothing at all. Like, well, we're going to fucking inject. Yeah, we're going to jam me with a harpoon. You're going to jump like 20 feet. If these work and I have jacked knees. Yeah. You're going to be bounding from place to place.

Dude, it's like a mechanic. They're going to find something. They're going to keep looking. Fuck. They're going to test drive you. I think I can cancel it. Yeah. You've got to get your dad done.

I'm taking filling. He needs it. He's got them off and just hanging the car. He's been taking a shower for a while. He has. Hold up, but what if they have lollipops? Mystery.

Okay. I have to be a good guy. Yeah. I have to be good in there. You have to be brave. And you can't fuck around in the waiting room. I'll come with you. I'll hold your hand.

They're going to inject you. They're going to hit me with darts when I want it. Put them down. Put them down. You're going to pin me to the wall. Yeah. We're going to cut you open like a butterfly. You're going to stay there forever.

Yeah. I'm going to be in a box. Sam tell us. I've always wanted to do this. You should. But it's your fingers. It'll be okay. Now it's the day of and I really don't want to do it.

To have them put you under. Yeah. Small needle before the big. Or just show up wasted. Then they can't do it. They'll do it. No, they can't. Oh, yeah, maybe.

That's an alpha doctor. It's just alpha doctors. Right. Yeah. Like you're wasted. It's sick. It's actually good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bloods and actually fucking rules.

A little bit of alcohol does raise your testosterone slightly. Really? For a little bit. Just if you have like a couple of drinks, your testosterone technically does raise slightly. Is that just because it makes you like, dumber? I've seen it.

I've seen real testosterone, fucks. You looking at me? I don't like anyone here. we got to go I got to hit the streets so he's flipping a coin brushing your hair now I really don't want to do this

yeah you don't have to no it has to be done you can do it I know I can do it it'll be all right it's gonna hurt a lot knee injection is it a boy giving you a needle or girl

I think it's a boy sucks really I only want girl yeah I would want a boy boy for this. I don't want a boy too. I'm going to be such a fucking pussy. Yeah, I don't know. Girl, I feel like, I only ever have girl needlers and it's like, I like, I like just, you know, something about, like if she has to be nice, if she's mean, it crushes me. Oh, she can't be like, this bitch you gave me this fucking track mark. Yeah. Fucking asshole. Yeah, be present for this lady. It's

scary for me. I know I'm one of 12 for you today, but please, just focus. Stop looking at the clock. Yeah, yeah. Quit eating hot Cheetos. Yeah, the, uh, I had to go for my life insurance. The lady had to take blood and she brought a thick gauge needle and I was she did it right to my home right to my house I haven't been able to relax my house since thick boy you're getting like two year home needlings yeah they're well it's life insurance they're like we'll just come to you we'll get you'll get all your shit you got life insurance I think so I don't know do you have it yeah nice it's a nice slash kind of weird feeling though yeah it's like dude I always tell my wife I'm like the best thing I could do right now is die for the family you mean yeah yeah it's big needle it's

fucking huge. Let me see what you got. Let me see. Oh my God. Oh, dang. That's like a video. That's like a Christmas like a dude. Oh, no. That's like the fucking What?

That's like the pulp fiction needle. Like putting a battery in your knee. You'll be all right, man. Yeah. Yeah, that thing's crazy. It's like what they shot up the roadrunner with. Well, fuck, man.

As soon as they do it, it's go, ah! It's completely unnecessary. For clicks? Yeah, you better stop clicking. It's clickbait. It's totally fine. I googled it again last night because I was like, yeah, it must be terrible.

It must be like cartilage or something. It's like it's completely normal. Yeah. Yeah, your knees can, like my, yeah, my knees is like a joint crack. Yeah. I think it's like, what is it? What is it? Like air in your joints or something?

Mm-hmm. You got some air in your knees. Who cares? You got those left tackle knees, man. Do you think I can cancel? Yeah, yes. You can do whatever you want. What are you talking about?

My knees is my choice. Yeah. You need your choice. I'll protest outside. Yeah, I'll make a sign right now. Yeah, where are they getting stem cells? Because I feel like in Catholic school we were like against this. No, they got them.

They figured out how to get them from not babies. Okay. Yeah. They're not from babies anymore, apparently. Maybe. They get them from the like the sac, the embryonic sack? Are there stem cells in there? Is it all cord blood?

I'm not sure. I don't either. But they're not babies anymore. I'm telling you. They don't get it from babies. I heard you can get it without babies now. It says early stage embryos, adult tissues, and prenatal materials like umbilical cord blood. Yeah.

So they get, they just like, you cut the ability, throw that thing to fuck out. So they're taking that and get some umbilical in your knees. Ambillical is good stuff. That's the best stuff. That is the best stuff. If you're telling me some umbilical. Dude, Shane, if you're going to get stem cells, you want to straight from the baby. You don't want an umbilical cord stem cells.

You don't want leftover stem cells. What do you think the baby's getting all the baby stuff from though? But that's used. It's done. It's going. It's not used. It's ready. The baby's been using that for nine months. I'd really like to not do this. Your medical advisors are solid though. How about this?

How about this? Your nurses are great. Watch your dad. Just watch. Is your dad's appointment first? We're at the same time. Just be like I need to keep on them. I want to keep an eye on him.

He's really old. He gets scared. At the same time. Well, the problem is I'm going to go in and go, I actually really don't want to do this. I'm going to go, dude, don't be a pussy. It really doesn't hurt. And he might as well do it.

Yeah. And I'm going to go, okay. Yeah, I know. That's exactly what's going to happen. I'm going to do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't cancel things. You can say that you can't do it because of insurance for set for tires for.

The doctors, they're going to go. You'll be fine. Yeah, they're going to go. That's not true. I mean, you just lied to me. I trick a doctor every day. Don't tell anyone. You can't tell anyone here.

Maybe listen to your counsel. No, I would get it. If you're going to be there. Council betrayed. This is crazy. This is your, these are your advisors. It's true.

It's not true. They want his knees to buckle. Yeah. Yeah. That way they can steal your crown. We're in a Chili's council. We're used to being at B-dubs. You took the mic for that?

I say we skipped the appointment. Go get a triple dipper. couple bruskees. That's what I say. How you talking my language? Also, minor flex and own the advertisers. I mean, I'm not trying to flex. Southwestern Negroes. I'm gonna be honest. I don't really grub there.

Just drink. I'm better for one thing. For the bear. Here we go. Oh, yeah. This episode is brought to you by Blue Chew, the number one brand for better sex. Blue Chew just dropped something crazy. Blue Chewold. Oh, yeah.

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TV I'm going to be watching football a day. She or he gets a little grumpy with you. For sure. And you go watch this. I'm going to knock that attitude right out of you. Bro. Blue chew gold. Ooh. Think about that. The real hit her with the real deal or him. Hit her with the hammer or him or him for sure. I'm wet. I'm wet for you, bro. Wait. Phil didn't hear that.

Hey, I have a new book. It comes out September 22nd. It's called Brute. You can pre-order it, get it wherever books are available. It's a violent thriller about a hitman in Paris. He's an ex-Marine,

killing his way through Paris and hunting a mafia Don. So it's really good. Sent one to Shane. He read it in one day. Said it was the best book he ever read. awesome. Yeah. So you should be like Shane. I thought running the leg was great. Thanks, man. Did I send you a hand-binded one? You sent me 10. Yeah, yeah. Do you remember the quote you gave me

for running the light? Uh, what was it? It's like, wow, who could believe such a fat mutant could write such a good book? Such a dumb donkey. Yeah. It was literally whatever. Yeah, I'm stoked, man. It's going to be awesome. Yeah, United Boned us. But, uh, yeah, and then I'll be at Cleveland hilarities this weekend in Winnipeg rumors. So yeah, get your ticket, samtallon.com. I'm always, I get so jealous when I hear hilarities. Dude. I love it. You know, grass is greener, right? Chubby Behemoth is my podcast.

Guys, September 25th, next weekend, the weekend after this one, Royal Oak, Michigan, I'll be there. I'll be in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. That's a big one. That one's a dragon. Come on, uh, was, Milwaukee. Charlotte, North Carolina, Jacksonville, Atlanta, Chattanooga, Fort Lauderdale,

Tampa. All those are good. Orlando's good. Here's the one that's really keeping me up in night. Newark, New Jersey. guys, this place is huge. I don't know why they put me there. No, that's going to be good. It's the galactic Senate. You'll see.

I'm hoping, but God darn, it's going to be me and it's going to mean a couple guys dip it out. That's the way it looks right now. That would be actually really fun. It would be awesome. We just chill. Yeah, whatever. Who cares of shit about Newark? Guys, come if you want. No, if you don't.

Baltimore, Maryland, Columbus, Ohio, Cincinnati, Ohio, San Diego, Sacramento. That's it for me. Yo. I got nothing. Hell yeah. Hello, hey, everybody. It's me, LeMare.

I'm going to be in Florida in October. Orlando on the 34th Halloween and Jacksonville on the 29th and I'm trying to get a show on Gainesville on the 30th. And then yeah, end of the month. Philly for Thanksgiving. That'll be sick. Yeah. All right.

Nice. Thank you guys. Yeah. I had a nice salty dry chicken breast from there at the airport. I'll be honest. It wasn't bad. I told Nate. I do. I just get like a sandwich. Yeah. I told Nate I said this actually some bad fuel for the airport. You get jillies and get just a piece of chicken. Yeah. It's not bad fuel.

The best, like, that's what gets me most excited in the airport is a good Chili's. Yeah. Got a layover here, chilies. Get those chips. Sit down, salsa. Get a burger. Mm-hmm. Great chips and salsa.

The best. Great chips and salsa. Great tenders. They, they're San Claudi. Tendys. Yeah. Nice. Yeah, definitely better than TGI for sure.

TGI fell off. TGI is crazy. I don't even, they exist. I, hold on. That salad bar at Ruby Tuesdays, undefeated. Yeah, I want to know. Don't you flip your hands at me. Sean, what the heck? I don't know what happened to Sean.

Yeah. I don't know what's going on with this guy. I think something's going on. I think he's like happy. And this is what it looks like. I think he's comfortable. Yeah, he's satisfied. I was.

What were you in a good mood? What made it feel bad? Not about Portland and Seattle. I got to tell everyone in Portland, Seattle. Be nice to Sean. No, everyone was nice. Why? What happened?

He texted me. Please tell everyone. Yeah. Well, that was a joke. Oh. I appreciate it. Yeah. I'm getting him happy.

Nice. Beautiful girlfriend, great mustache. Big dick. You know he's a big dick. Of course. He tells me every time I see him. He brings it up.

The girlfriend's stuff's got to relax. What? Yeah, I never talk about your squaw. Why are you talking about my squaw? Because I'm friends with your girlfriend. Oh, he's been weird. This isn't weird at all. I'm very happy for you.

I think you're both adorable. I have no intent to bed here. What? Okay, here we go. God, a man wears linen pants and all the cut. I'm the enemy. She's cool. I like her. All right.

I don't feel like there's any of your business, but I appreciate it. I miss sad, Sean. Yeah, I'm just kidding. I love you. I haven't said her name. That's respectful. I mean, yeah. Don't.

Please don't. Please don't. You've been on too long. He's he's getting confidence. You haven't been smashing him over and over again. I only try to uplift these guys. That's good. That's good. No, I know that. They, they drag me down into their muck.

We go out to drink. They go, you know who you should hate? They know who? They name a comedian. They go, you get a fucking asshole. I like him. Yeah. Yeah, he's fucking fake. But I mean, that's what you want the kids to know about that. You want them to be Did you say that's not true? Gosh darn it for the record. Sam, what's been up with you?

Man, just, you know, trying to navigate. I'm new to Hollywood, so I went to L.A. and did a week out there. Nice. It was good. It was fruitful. New book coming out on the 22nd. That's, like, been dominating my whole summer. So it'll be nice for people to have it.

But yeah. That's awesome. Yeah, it's good stuff. It's like, you know, I wrote a book. It's a gay hitman in Paris doing, like, killing a mafia don. So it's like I'm very stoked for people to have to, like, reckon with the fact that it's a cool book. And then there's like, you know, dudes banging. It's awesome.

Yeah, yeah. The more could you want? I don't know. It's everything you want. Well, you know what it is? It's a female beach read disguised as a man book. So I think women will get it in be horny. And then guys will be like, whoa, there's a hatchet and eight guns.

You have to write a female beetreed. Kind of did. That's the biggest. Yeah. It's the only thing being right. Yeah, it's not very fiction. Let me tell you. There's apparently there's a huge crisis. Men aren't reading. It's only women are reading. They're only reading smart.

I know, but luckily Mr. Beast fixed that. So now men all read. True. Mm-hmm. He's... Him and James Patterson wrote a novel together. I thought that was a joke. No, dude. And it was pretty much his, like, if I did it. It was pretty much...

The book is like... If I didn't refer... Mr. Beast had that, like, Beast game show. Oh. But it's kind of like, what if Jigsaw ran Beast game. So it's just Mr. Beast's fantasy from what I can tell. It's just like murdering all. Just get to...

But written by someone named James Patterson. So, yeah. They've teamed up. Yeah. They saved it all, man. These guys all read the book, you know. My cousins all read the book. Yeah, one of the guys are still in the guy smut, which was just Clancy, you know.

Clancy. Yeah. Like, yeah, like. Oh, Tom Clancy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, that should still do. Any paperback that's this big sells 100 million copies. Yeah.

But any book that has a hardcover, people don't. buy it. Yeah, it sucks. It's bad. I love reading. You can't talk about reading. Video games has never been better. It's tough. It's tough to be a reader. True. There you go. I read that. You got me on to Dennis Johnson. I'm a big fan. He's the greatest. Yeah. He's the coolest. You read Angels? No. You read Jesus Son. I read Jesus Sun, Tree of Smoking, and Laughing Monsters is okay. But man, those other two are fucking heaters. And then you like try and go promote your book on a podcast and people are like, you ever farted on a book? And you're like, uh, yes and. And have you ever farted on a book?

Yeah, for sure. I mean... Fall asleep. Yeah. Books in the bed. You've certainly fired on a book. Yeah, well, also, like, you ever done the thing where you, like,

fart on a hard chair? Like, you go bare ass on a chair. Yes, we used to fart on textbooks. Of course. So the same, in school, you definitely fart on your friend's book. Yeah. It'd be hilarious noise.

Spelling copy book. Fart into a book bag, zip it up. Yep. Fart on top of your friend's head and then put his hat back on. You take his hat off, fart on his head, put his head on.

That's a good one. I never even thought of this. Well, man, you're not the only innovator, Shane. The fart grenades are still, like, thinking about those. They might have been the worst, yep, fart cup, and then in someone's face. The kiss of death. Yeah. Or he used to reach behind someone that's covered their face.

Uh-huh. Yeah, you'd mother them. Not only were you farting into, you grab their... Dude, that should be like an expelible offense. It has to be. I think now if you were to fart cup somebody... Sexual assault. Yeah.

Sexual assault. You face hug someone with a handful of flatulets? Yeah. Yeah. What about, did you guys ever do that, like chokeout thing around like six, seventh grade?

Pass out. Yeah, that was huge. That was awesome. God. Hit my head so many times. You can pass out is such a sick thing. I'm going to do this all the time.

Oh, yeah. Well, first it's getting dizzy and then it's passing out and it's real drugs. Yep. And they just stop. Everyone does it for like a week. And then it's like,

it's gone. Yeah. I got choked out by this kid who was named Billy. He was like probably four foot three at the time. And he was like, let me show you something. And I was like a hulking man,

you know, well, I was in sixth grade, it was morbidly obese. But he, like, choked me out in the middle of class, and I came to, and I was going, oh, oh, and like every one of my peers was standing over my limp body as I came to. It was the worst. Did you take, like, 30 deep rest really quick

because it helps you pass out faster? No, I just was like, yeah, choke me, and then I woke up, oh! Like, every girl I cared about. Devastating. Yeah. We were doing it on the bus. You go, like, like, he was a bunch of times,

and then they do it, and just go, fall out. You could also do that. And then, like, put your head between your knees and you could, like, force yourself to hang out, I think. Really? Yeah. I don't know. I thought kids could make themselves. Have ever tried to blow yourself?

Yeah. Yeah. But, I mean, not, like, ever thought I was going to achieve it. I knew it was never. I never got my hopes up. I got to, like, a crunch. Yeah. Ow.

Yeah. That's it. Yeah, got a long way to go. Got a real long way to go. Don't you have to throw your legs over your head? I don't know. I definitely. I was just curious.

I don't think I would have done it, but I was like, could I? and I was like, yeah, not even close. If you can do it, you would have. Oh, yeah. LaMere's making tutorial videos. Really? Yeah, every time LaMere makes a video, I get a million people DMing me. You gotta shut this shit down.

Tim on a jiu-jitsu mat trying to suck his own dick. Really? Yeah, it was a self-sutorial. Hiding a laugh and then going, keep going. How did you, what have you, what do you show how to, do you actually show how to do it? I was just trying to practice the rolling it in tech. There's various techniques. Yeah, there's several techniques.

That's more like that, yeah. Hmm. I came across one of your combatants on a flight. Yeah. I came across a guy that said he's been rasseling with you. He said you're a son of a gun. He's been beating Lamar's ass. He goes, Lamar's a fucking tough ticket.

When you said combatants, I meant like an ex-lover. That's what I thought. Someone went toe-to-to-to-to-to-with you. Perhaps a future lover. Are you wrestling them there? Just a little bit. He's been wrestling down. Oh, yeah, bro.

That's sick. You got to, I think you'd be. really good at it. Yeah, there's the Nate? Yeah. They're training for a fight.

Deadly squad. Yeah. They're going to play you. Go and throw hands with all the comics we don't like. It'll be nice. Dang. What's your,

what's your boxing protocol right now? My protocol? Yeah, like, what's the training session consists of? I'm just learning the ones and twos,

threes. I just learned the three. Nice. Hopefully I'm on the four next. Right hook. Get the right hook going. Is uppercut a big part of the game? It is,

but not for me. I thought I had a little bit. I got nothing. Isn't that three? Huh? That's left hook. I'm assuming it's like six years. Yeah, uppercuts, right trigger, circle.

What's Fireball? That's what I want to learn. Damn, we're getting ready for the bar punching machine. He did good at it the other day. He went bowling. I've been doing good, but I did. He hit it. You lost him.

But he lost to his girlfriend at the ball. Well, that's an indictment. on everybody. She'd know you lost her and then she told you I'll knock you out and you took it. She literally said, I could knock you out. What was the score? Confident. You're lying.

See, they turn. Yeah. They'll never be able to attack me. They divide. They divide and collapse. This is the Council of Ghent. It would be easy. Like, oh, Casey, why are you going first on me?

That's kind of fucked up. Why doesn't he go first? They started fighting a meeting right away. What was, what numbers were, is everybody putting up? Yeah, I had 930. Hell yeah. You just stole his story. You're saying he's lying right now.

I'm not lying. You're lying about the bunch of them. I hate 9. What did she get? He did get hired to me. He got like 8. Oh, my bed. He got like 8.30.

Is it said copper tank? This is that copper tank. He did not get 9. Nobody got 9. I had, I had like one bad one where I got like a 5, but I hurt my thumb. I threw a bat. I tried to show off. You heard your thumb.

What did you throw in one or two? I had to throw in there. His thumb was inside of his fist. I tried to throw a four. They hadn't taught me a four. And, uh, but Lamar did not hit a nine anything. We got to go.

We got to go. No. We'll see. I had to cut a promo on his ass. Lamar. Come on. I don't have to do that. Dude, I was at an arcade recently in a little boy.

asked me he was chasing tickets he goes can you punch the thing for me so I can get the tickets I said you got a little boy one of the one of the proudest moments did you get I fucking sock that thing yeah you have it was a little boy and his mother and I said take oh mom was there too mom was there I said hey little boy go sit in your mother's lap watch for a man can keep it warm for me why don't you warm that fucking lap up so I don't have a dad watch this here I go I just sock the shit out of it so you got a good boy there man yeah Raise them well. I had a similar thing

at a ski ball where my niece needed like 40 tickets so I just stood by the side of the ski ball thing and just put my arm right in the 500 just over and over again.

You can cheat so bad. Oh yeah. And every parent's like like no one's tattling. No one's like yeah yeah we all paid $800. It's box you over so bad. They're like

those power cards now. Dude you put like 50 bucks on it it's gone in like 30 minutes. It's like 13 credits somehow per swipe. Yeah, no. Yeah. I have no...

If you're in the arcade gift shop, I say, take something. There's one time... Pay the teen behind the counter. They'll give you whatever the fucking one. I've asked, I'm like, hey, because the one time, Mike, because like, if your kids don't get equal fucking tickets,

then like one gets one thing. Like, I can't get it. I should be like, you should be fucking better at the claw game, dumbass, but you have to be like, guys give you 10 bucks for the... So we can both get two stuffed animals. And there was a time before

where, like, I was just like, go. Yeah. Like, you have it. I'm like, just get the fuck out of here. Fuck these guys. I don't feel like going. We're not playing more games. I like, yo, you're on your own.

Go ahead. They can't try you. Go walk out here. I'll keep an eye on these guys. Yeah, that's a great, man. Let's start the car. You got to teach your kids earlier. I looked around and said,

hey, man, you can leave if you want. I'm not in charge of this place. I don't give a fuck. She got out. Oh, Bertie was so mad. You're a piece of shit. Can't believe you let her do that. I was like, bro, we spent like fucking $150.

In the defense of the arcade staff, though, every single parents coming up and doing the same. Yeah, for sure. They got to control this. And they said, no, wasn't even mad at them. I said,

no problem. Yeah. I think we learned that trick of bribing from the carnival midway. So you're used to bribing carnies like on the boardwalk. And then you go to like, you know,

a corporate family fund center and there's no way they're going to let you wet. Yeah, but it's like, bro, here's a fucking, here's a fucking, here's a fucking, here's a fucking crispy yellow town.

Go buy a dime with this, but then they just babe. You're a real tough customer? Here's a dub. Fucking. I need a peaceful ride home. I don't want him fucking screaming about a stuffed animal. You guys Phil's phone.

Oh, it's got to be the death ring. My dad's phone is on a million every time. The alerts have been. It's like an ambulance. Oh, yeah. This guy on the U.S. Open. Yeah, great. It's just one letter at a time.

Also, I can't make fun of him because I'm on the same exact thing. with the ring cam loves talking on the ring cam. Oh, I farted into the ring cam while the mayor was outside. I sent him a fart from New York. Through a doorbell in Texas. Pretty incredible. They say technology's bad. Yeah, they say technology is bad.

He's got to clip Zuckerberg in. Like, the whole goal is to check you next. Yeah. And that is, that is male friendship. I mean, sending a fart from New York is airmail. Alexander Graham Bell would have just been like, finally. Yes, they did it. Also, a white guy in a black.

black guy. New York, Texas. Haven't far. The country is together. That's true. Two 40-year-old pieces of shit. Farting. Next comes the actual tube so we can smell it like Futurama. The bank tube.

We can't send smells. We're not ready to send smells. This smells that men will be requesting. And sending. Unrequested. It will be worse. And then be on the other end of that. Not what I was hoping that was going to be. Yeah.

Dude, if you could put the smell of like all-day airport underwear. You know? Like when you'd have a layover. Now you're talking to the Japanese are frothing for this technology. I'm surprised they haven't invented it. There's got to be a way

it can like detect the certain particles and yeah and it's like here's the approximation. Hey dude, AI is upon us. We'll get some parts. I'll be able to toss some air some farts. Via my ring cam. You'll be among the first. You can have it where he has to sniff at the end of the house.

You knock. Sniff technology. The box. The bank tube. It's like a bank tube. The canister pops up. You watch, go go ahead. Smell it.

That's Shane's house. Now you can play your games. Although you're a noise monster, though. I am a noise monster, unfortunately. You're more noise. Unfortunately. You're more barked and bite. It doesn't,

it doesn't smell. It's so loud. It's like not even a drop. I have a similar situation. Where my wife's, you can't hear him, but they are the worst. Yeah, girls dogs. O'Connor.

Matt's got a bit of, he's got some bite. Yeah, I can get some bite going. It's usually guys focused on the diet that have insane shit. A con man, though, I don't know how he does it. But, because he is not focused on his diet. Yeah, they have some bad ones. He uncorks.

Well, if you have a problem with dairy, then you can clear out a room. That's dairy farts are like, if you're like lactose intolerant are the worst of the worst. So bad. I shared a room with my buddy Nathan like two weeks ago and I woke up before him and fuck, it smelled so bad in there, dude. And I knew it was him and I just had to like go sit in the lobby for like two hours until he woke up

and I came back in and it's still fucking reeked. Like old. Like you wake up and you're afraid like something bad's going on. Like you're in a barn and it's on fire. Smelling a fart that you didn't even hear is like... You just wake up caked. I've done it to my own car

where you like fart in your car, get out, handle business. Come back in and you go, I'll get in a day later. Yeah. Yeah. Or like a grandma's car? A grandma's car will reek. O'Conman put on a clinic last weekend.

What happened? We went to the Wisconsin Notre Dame game, but we were leaving after the game. So we weren't staying there in Wisconsin. So I was like, let's just get one hotel room just for guys to, if you got dump, if you got a shower. That's nice. Locker room.

Six of us in there. Obviously, O'Conman takes the liberty of taking the first dump. Unannounced dump. just goes, hits it. It smelled up the entire room. I go in to take a piss 20 minutes after him. Oh, no.

I come out, he's loosening his hips. He's stretching on the ground. Oh. That's crazy. He's laying on the ground stretching. He's like, and I was like, was that you? And he was like,

yeah. What? I was like, we had to open the door of the hotel room. Into the hallway? Yeah. We had to release it into the hallway. It stunk for,

it literally smelled in that bathroom close to two hours. Travel with candles. And then there was a big debate between the fellows because he was like, just turn the shower on. Oh, no.

And I was like, that's going to make it way worse. Yeah, because then it clings to the steam. Then you have a blanket of shit smells. That's what I said. I know every trick. That one doesn't work.

Matches kills it. Yeah, matches are great. Yeah. There was a slight debate over the shower thing. He got into his, he uses pseudoscience instantly. Yeah.

He's like, no, the molecules of the air will grab it and drop it to the ground with the weight the fart will disappear. The fart gets in your hair. Slend in your clothes.

One of us is going to sleep face down in it later. It's like a mud mask of fart. No, I don't think that works like that. I've told him, I was like, I've taken plenty of steamers. Yeah. Turn the, if a girl's over, you go, I have to shower. Yeah. You climb out the window and the bathroom and you go, oh, no, this is way worse.

See this fart coming out. That's what osium does. When you spray osium, it catches this airy molecule out of the air and just fucking... We tried it. I tried it in Lamar's room. There's cans of ozium laying around. Yeah, dude. Wasn't he huffing those?

It did kind of work, but then the room just smelled like chemicals. It's probably the fat. Yeah. That stuff's nasty. At this point, that room is... Is this the room out there? Yeah. Are you just going to, like, burn it down when you go about?

You have to remove the drywall. It must be destroyed, yeah. We were in the pool the other day. He opened the door and the smell got into the pool. You could smell the smoke from... Dude, all you got to do is step outside, Blaze. You're smoking blunts in there? He's...

He's smoking. Everything in there. Smoking meats? What are you smoking in there? Brisket? I'm just smoking, you know? Yeah. That's crazy, dude.

Yeah, but smoking inside is pretty sick, especially when it's not your place. You know what I mean? Like, that's really sweet. It's really, really dominating somebody else. Yeah, yeah. Phil got a little taste of Lemaire this week. It's been nice.

We came back. We got dinner last night. We came back and he was like, he just walked past me and he was like, you got to get Monday night football on. Lamarer's got fucking wrestling on. Yep. Welcome. Welcome to the show.

How do you get along with old Phil? They get along great. I bet it works out. It's a good partnership. Phil rules. Yeah. I don't know for a lot. He's going to talk about it.

He met your lady. We can edit it there if we have to. He was, he was, she was like, she's so nice. Yeah. And then,

of course, the next question. How the fuck? What's going on there? Classic dad follow up. Yeah. What are you doing? A bright-eyed young thing.

Yeah, exactly. You ever bring a girl to like your uncles is every time. Like, we do this fucking piece of shit. He's got the talent family curse. Talking about your penis.

It's, what? It's insane. The shit they say, Phil has a real knack of just being like, are you guys, she hasn't left you yet?

Dude, why do you ask that? Every time. So far, he's 100% right though. So maybe. So far, he's got it right.

Phil. Phil. What are you doing back there? Nice. Talking to your mother? Talking to my mom. Oh, yeah? That's sweet.

Still communicating. That's nice. What? I sent him a picture of Phil yesterday to the group chat and she was like, Phil, you need to change. You've been weighing that outfit for three days. He's been in the same outfit for three days. The cat's away.

Dude, the second, he's not with my mom. He is a fucking wreck. It's crazy. He got bombed at the Chili's. And then yesterday laid on the couch. The whole day. I put on the Sopranos. So he watched season two of the Sopranos

just half asleep the entire time. I was like, dude, go to sleep. He's like, I'm watching this. That can't sleep in their beds during the day. They can sleep everywhere else. But that's what a lazy bones does. So they have to get up out of bed and then walk 30 feet and then just be in the way all day.

And then you're like, hey man, why don't you go take a nap? And they're like, oh, I kicked my ass. Yeah. I haven't been around him a lot like that. realize he doesn't drink. It explains why we always had milk. He doesn't drink water. Yeah. Oh, no. I got to give him water. I got to, dude, dude, dude, I don't like water. Yeah. What? He likes to be preferring it, dude. Oh, you guys. Dude, I have an uncle that's... What percentage? 2%. Okay. That's some water. Reasonable. My, my one uncle, my one uncle is ginger ale.

It's ginger ale, milk, or beer. Water's, it's like you, it's like drinking piss to him. He's just like, yeah. It doesn't taste good. Gatorade. If it's 100 degrees, he'll drink gatorade. That's it. I never saw my grandfather drink a glass of water. They don't drink water. Ever once. He would make his own Pepsi in the fridge out of like chocolate milk and like old. He was trying to recreate the old Pepsi recipe. So he's had a jug.

And he would like sip it while like mowing his arm with his shirt off. It's just brown water. Women struggle with water too. That's why they all have those fucking giant cups. Oh yeah, yeah. They go, I have to drink this. You got to stay on their ass too. But dude, it's the same water for three days.

They don't even, they just carry him around as they look cool. Women don't drink water. It's growing water. It's growing mold in there. It smells like a fucking turtle tank. Every time I open my wife's thing, I'm like, bro, once will have somebody change this fucking water? There's toads jumping into it.

That's where the fucking toads have been going. I was open up, I'm like, Jesus fucking Christ. I'm trying. I've never smelled a Stanley call. That's disgusting. It's so bad.

My wife leaves them by the sand. Yeah, it stinks. So bad. The girls have fucking pond water in those things. You don't drink it. You got to remember to watch. You sit bond water all day.

I don't know so mean all the time. Yeah, they have fucking babies. Tommy full of swamp For real That's why I don't feel good I'm tired I have to watch What's that shit dogs get

Vaxed for if they drink a puddle? Barvo Yeah They have like the puddle disease Yeah Like a squirrel Don't they drink up Don't they lay eggs

Like the bugs lay eggs in there And then the dogs drink them Yeah That's how they get like worms and shit Vax for puddle disease The deer peas in a puddle and a dog drinks it they It's like a Chinese proverb

Some bullshit Yeah Yeah. I always argued the vet with that. I'm like, my dog's not drink a fucking puddle. Well, if they do, I'm like... Your dogs are definitely Jackson's scarf and puddle. He was eating a mud puddle actually the other day. But also I'm like...

Whatever happens to Jackson. Yeah, man. He's fucking blind. Yeah. Walking in the... Every now and now his new thing is, he's like walking to a room and just go... And just stand there. Like, yo, what are you doing? He just goes... Jackson, what the fuck you doing over there? Jackson's a legend.

Oh, he's so funny. He's so funny. Eating mud reminds me of a field trip. and there was this kid, you know, he was a good kid, but maybe a little slower. And we were at, like, out in the middle of nowhere in Colorado. And my teacher was one of those cool teachers, you know, who's like, knows the kid slow, but like, hey, we're going to include him. So this kid fucking, like, comes back from, like, the middle of nowhere. And he just has covered, like, his whole face is covered in mud.

And my teacher was like, leave him alone. He thinks it's cake. Which didn't help at all. But, like, that was his, like, spur of the moment. I got to say, for some reason. Of like, you know how, like, people from Louisville call it Louisville. For some reason, when people call it Colorado. Yeah.

I'm like, you're wrong. Oh, yeah? Even though you're from there. How did I said it, Colorado? Colorado. Yeah, Colorado. That's how everybody. How do you say it?

Colorado. Yeah, interesting. My grandfather from Mississippi called it Colorado. Colorado is awesome. Yeah, it's awesome. He put some stink on it. An old prospect. Yeah, he's like, Coleradoo.

Coloradoo. Colored do. But you know what I mean for some reason? I don't know. I get it. Colorado. You go, these people. I didn't even notice that.

I guess just because they're from Colorado. I go, you guys are nuts. That's what Soder says it too, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we allegedly don't have an accent. We have the high plains accent, which is why all the call setters were in Nebraska and Kansas.

But like, I don't know. I've never noticed it. I don't think people say, Colorado. Colorado. Yeah, they put some stink in the middle. Yeah. Shit. Yeah, I didn't realize the extent, like, between the cities.

I don't know Colorado was like a wasteland. Dude, empty. Like, for real. I have everyone who lives there. It's a fucking, like, wasteland. Bro. Between, like, Denver and Boulder and Fort Collins, like those are all the population centers and then the sprawl. But then, man, like an hour from Denver where I grew up was like 800 people,

didn't have a stoplight. Yeah, very boonies. What do you know about Pike's Peak? I know a lot. Zebulon Pike founded it. When you wake up at my parents' house, you can look out and see Pike's Peak every morning. Really? Yeah, yeah.

Dang. We did, in fifth grade, we had to do a report on mountains, and I got Pike's Peak. It's a sick Pete, yeah. Since I was a young man. Did you really? and a deep affinity for Pike's Peak. He was an explorer. Yeah, I just got a rock on tour.

The silver boom right there. Mm-hmm. Who was the general who went and just massacred all the Indians? Kit Carson? Yeah, I think so he was like a priest. Yeah, the, uh, the Puder Valley massacre. Yeah. It's Pooder, so it made it tough to take serious.

Did you ever get into his speech that he gave to, like, rouse the people to do it? Oh, yeah. It was only women. It was squalls and children. Yeah, they don't even have any braves. And I think you said, uh, nits make lice. Oh, yeah, 100%. and murdered all the women and children.

He was down here. He was down Texas. Wasn't he a Texas region? Oh, yeah. I think he did, he had like a little... He got the Comanche first. Yeah.

He set up shop in southeastern Colorado and they have one of those kind of like Williamsburg where it's like an old fort, Fort Ben's Fort. It's old Bent's Fort and you can walk in there and there's like a trapper and like a squaw

and like they tell you stories and lead you around. It's awesome. I lived down there when my wife did like after residency and it was brutal, but I went to old Ben's fort stoned to the bone constantly and like new people there.

That's awesome. I'm glad you discovered that. I've been there. You have been there? Yeah, I love old Benzwey. I saw the picture of you. Yeah. I think it was crazy you wore the headdress in it, but still.

No, no, no, no. All right, that's a good app. Let's go. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's secret podcast on Spotify. Do it.