Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 639 - The E.C.B.S. (feat. SWIM)

Episode Date: October 2, 2026

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Go See Lemaire Lee Live @ https://lemairelee.fun/ hello. Good morning. TGIF. Hope you all had a good week. We have a hot cast for you this morning. It's a Brotherly affair. We got SWIM in the MattCave to talk about his big move out west. Please enjoy. God Bless. I hope you all have a nice weekend. This video is sponsored by BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com/MSSP Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

The Wild Wow, Wes. Welcome to the podcast. Welcome. Two in one week. Oh, Jesus Christ. Almost fell. Scratch that from the record. Two in one week.

What up, bro? Not much, dude. Just landed. You what? Just landed. Dude, I know. Two days ago. Crazy journey.

It was a wild. What was that? Two day? Two 14 hour days. Ish. With a squad. That was the whack pack for sure. It was the ultimate whack pack.

Dude. Yeah. Ultimate special interest. whack pack. Yeah, my parents helped move him down. They did two cars. No, we did one Chevy Sonic.

One Chevy Sonic. Loaded with snakes, reptiles, and San Pedro Cactus. Just tricked. And a tarantula. And an arachnid. Arachnid.

So it was, that was a corn snake, a python, a tarantula, a bearded dragon, and a leopard gecko. I heard that leopard gecko gets onry if he doesn't eat.

They all do. Really? We had him up on the dash cruising just to get some sunlight. And then we had to the gills with Pedroes. I saw the Pedroes. Stack. That's why I moved to.

True. To grow the Pedro. Just to grow the Pedro's. And Mac moved just to give better temperatures to his day. K for his reptiles. I saw the lizard on a leash outside. I said, that's nice. Yeah, they're chilling.

The beard of dragons, by the way. No, we'll get to the spot of gecko. I didn't know. That thing breaks your skin. It's only a baby. It'll bite. They don't really bite. They're chilling now.

Yeah. I got the full download. The Python will bite. the bearded gecko or the yeah beard of geckos might be like there i would put them on a beard of dragon beard of dragon my bad leopard gecko leopard gecko beard a dragon i would put that on a list of recommended pets top to your pet it's one of those things i can't live without now yeah when you get a dog and you're like now i'm a dog man i'm a beard dragon there's there's like a subculture of no dog bro like there's like people that go on reddit are no dog that like identify as i don't have a dog

I know. Well, I get it. When I find it like a hardcore no dog head and they're like 60 or 70, I'm like, all right, your grandfathered in. Their heart, like young, no dog guys kind of, it's one thing. It's like, I just don't have one. I just don't get it. It's like, you're identifying as not having a dog. Yeah. It's such a wild mental thing to put on yourself. It's like, why would you live and be like, I'm a person that doesn't have it? You just don't have a dog. That's not an identity. Yeah, that's really weird. There's no kids heads, too. I think that's that's, what started it. Yeah, okay. No hit, no kids heads. I understand. No kids heads. And again, I would never, I would never hate on a no kids. I could hear them and like the the impulses to be like, uh, dude, I don't know. Like might be kind of sad. But I'm like, it's, it's probably chill. You do your own thing. There's people who chose not to have kids and I respect them. But you're a no kids head. You're just, you want a kid and you didn't have one. Otherwise you wouldn't identify as a no kid. Like you don't want kids. You just don't have kids.

Yeah, you don't have that simple. Never think about it. It's like I don't eat. goat meat. I never think about the shit. I don't identify as a non-goat meat either. You don't watch people, someone eat goat meat. You're like, thank God, I didn't get that. But like, couples that don't have kids are like,

they want, it's like, you guys want kids. Otherwise, you wouldn't be honoring the negative so heavily. That's true. It's like saying you're not gay all the time. Yeah.

Yeah. You're probably gay. Which is for every guy. No, that's every guy. Every guy is gay. No, there's dudes that are like staunchly, I'm not gay head.

Yeah, I know what you mean. Chill. Yeah. Like, I'm not gay and I never think about the fact that I'm not gay. I think we can all agree that every guy is gay and every guy wants kids. Pretty much. That's fair. If you say you're not gay, you're lying.

If you say you don't want kids, you're lying. You pulled it up? I pulled up dog free humor. The very first thing that comes up is DeRosa complaining about not one dogs. It's just, he's on Reddit. It's just. What did he say? I didn't love it, like, play the whole thing, but it looks like he's just be.

Oh, it's DeRosa. Yeah, it's just DeRosa. Like, top, top. newest thing. Be like, fuck dogs. It's a comic we know. It's being like, fuck dogs. I've seen his wear.

I've seen so of his work. I've seen one video of him. Yeah, he's a, he would hit, I think both categories, no dogs, no kids. Which at one point,

it's like, that's fair, but it's like, yeah, what's the overarching, what's the quest? I just don't get anyone that identifies

with what they're not doing. Like, you're only here for a blip of time. So why would you spend any of your time thinking about what you're not doing? True. Here's a thing.

It's a very strange mental. I'd have more respect for them if they were to like find people with dogs and like bully they're like, it's the way you like bully a pedophile. If you were like, yeah, why the fucks you bring your dog to my house, you fucking weirdo and start beating them up? I can see that. Yeah. If you objectively hated dogs.

Huh? This guy's here to meet a three-year-old Cocker Spitzpillar. What if you like set up dog adoptions and like shame them? Yeah, right. As if I would take this piece of shit dog home. Yeah, I, yeah, I've seen that. I've seen the, I've seen the celebration, but I get it. If you don't have, you don't have kids, you know, you're going to, like, you see people

with their kids doing stuff. There's no way you neutrally observe that without being like, damn, I want a kid. Or if you, like, can't do that. You got to be like, I got hit with baby fever at like 24. Yeah. And I just went reckless. Like, it was just like anyone that was nice to me, I would be like, hey, let's make love without restriction.

If you're like a kindergartner. Right? I was dead set. That's how kindergarten sold it down. They're like, we're going to have a baby. I was playing house. Like if we dated for two weeks,

we were playing house. And then I was like, it's what you have to do. It was ingrained in. It was like, you're over 23 because I was conceived at 23. So I was like, you're 23.

It's time to have a kid. And I thought not having a kid was like the scariest concept. Yeah. Now when I talk to couples that like are like trying to have kids, I kind of want to pull the side and be like, it's a beautiful thing, but it's not all.

It's crap. up to be like if you'd give me a magic eight ball I might have been like let's let's look at all angles yeah or yeah I have the opposite foster or fall but like I run the option play I'm at the point now my kids are six and eight I'm more afraid of getting my wife pregnant now than I was of getting a girl pregnant in high school for sure no it would legitimately ruin my life I was terrified dude I'm so much more scared now yeah true because my kids are six and eight so I'm out and now we're like sliding into a world of like dad's a weirdo, leave him alone.

Like you don't need anything. Like if I went back to like waking up and changing diapers, I might, it would ruin my life. Yeah, well, hey. I've moved like, you know, we don't have the foresight. Dude, I mean, I could see it happen. But, but the only caveat,

the only thing holding me back is in the heat of the moment. If my bride was like, let's have another kid. that's what I'm saying I would have 10 more exactly but like I it's a it's hard to fight you're afraid of confronting that of like do it I still could fall into it for what I'm saying if I'm in my like waking sober non like non erect life yeah I'm terrified of having another kid yeah and I love my kids two pieces yeah but having another like she was like I'm pregnant I would have like a senior year freak out but

I'd have to go join the union. Like, I'd have to like, I'd have to like. No, it's, well, yeah, I definitely, again, I try to do that too. Because when I keep, when I catch people, if I at least think I catch people being like, oh, man, I don't know. Sometimes I think I'm like, bro, you're all right. You're good. Yeah, you're cool.

Do you've made it this far? Yeah. Just rock out, hit the cruises, start swinging. Because I, you're a lot more sexually free. If you don't have kids, you pretty much should be in an open relation. That's the one thing, though. What? You don't have kids.

You should. should be a swinger. Oh, yeah. Yeah, like that's, we can just settle that right now. Like, dude, if I had a bride and we didn't have kids, we would have the wildest life. Yeah. It would just be like, what'd you do tonight?

Oh, yeah. It would be good times all around. His and her bad dragons. That's the other thing, though. Like, I have the alien shit, dude. It would be a world of kink. You couldn't even comp. It would break the heterosexual mindset

into a million pieces. Who's that guy, Marquis de Sade. Marquette de Sade. I don't identify. You don't fuck a Marquette. He's the, the farthest you can take. I'm not with that

because he incorporates violence into his lovemaking. That's where the term saddus comes from. Marquite de Sade. Yeah, I looked into him a little bit. That's an element I can't get. What year was he around?

Do you remember? I have no idea. Look up. If it's pre-1980, I have no fucking. Yeah, true. I can identify shit up to like 1950. Like Elvis coming out.

is as far back as I can nail a date down. Well, it's also funny because that, he was like an old lord, basically. He was like a medieval lord, I think. He was, like, in a very repressive time. So when he, like, found his sexual liberation, he kind of threw the baby out with the basketball. Yeah, the pendulum swung too far. Yeah, it swung too far back.

And we've kind of come back to it as it does. True, true. But he was to say about the Marquis de side. He was a freak bull. He was born in 1740, died in 1814. He was an enlightenment. He was enlightenment kink. But don't get me, don't quote me on this, but I think he went to jail just for having such naughty thoughts and writing such bad stuff.

Really? I think he wrote a book and they put him in jail. They're like, bro, jail. Sex crimes, blasphemy and pornography. Yeah. Well, he came out. I think his whole thing was like, it's just, it's on. Like, whatever you see, you can take down and that's kind of the way it goes.

Yeah, it was kind of like thumb wrestling. Yeah, it was fucked up. His whole view was that, like, if you see someone, you should take them down. If you can do it, you can do it. You know what I mean? There's no rules. The only rules he followed were like natural physical rules. That was that was hot then.

Those guys, that was the dawn of the enlightenment. And those guys were like, if you showed any religious sentiment like sentimentality or whatever, they would just be like, the work. It was like for peasants. Religion back then was for peasants. If you were like an OG aristocrat back then, they were all in contest to be like, one up each other like, I don't give a fuck about anything. I don't believe any of that shit.

They were like eighth grade Catholic schoolboys that got into saints. By like instead of drawing pentagrams, he was like chaining women up in his ass being like so he was doing it my dad's full of shit. He says you're not allowed to do this and he was just going buck so he lived it he wasn't just a he wasn't just theorized no one he was writing it like this is what I did today. So maybe he was just a sick writer so he was 50 shades and though. He might have been IRL and though it was so no one know I don't know I don't want to speak on a dead man true true chances are it was. It was so no one knows of Marquis deyne's out of Marquis I was pre ring cams and stuff so he might have been just snatching from the house he no one yeah I don't know I don't want to speak on a dead man true true chances are it was. It was. It was. He was writing the truth. It was a journal. It's also crazy because if you were a lord of the land, you had like a fiefdom, peasants would come up to him. He probably would blow their minds being like, dude,

what are you talking about? I could fuck you right now. Whoa, whoa. But your excellency, please, please don't fuck me, your excellency. He's like you're lucky I don't. What the fuck you in the mud right now? I'm not saying I would do that.

If I didn't have kids, I'm not saying I would do that, but I would break out of like the heterosexual rulebook. Yeah, for sure. I had a friend. I mean, that's the whole point of Kevin kids is that's, the heterosexual rule book is for people with kids.

I never thought, you don't need to even think about it. But I never thought of how heavy the heterosexual rule buck was until I was hang out with a friend that didn't subscribe to it. Yeah. And she was like, dude, you guys live with the most insane rules that like I can't comprehend.

What was you saying? Just like get married, have kids, be like, you know, walk your dog like wear nice clothes. It's like. Oh,

hold on. Gay people talk about nice clothes. Yeah, but I'm saying like, as like a heterosexual couple, you have like a ton of rules that are put on you. Yeah, yeah. That like you're supposed to do.

So if you show up to like the bounce house, people are assuming you follow all of these rules. True. Whereas if you're in a non-heterosexual lifestyle, there are way less rules. Like you could be like me and my play partner are going to take my kid to school today. You can't do that.

You can't. I'll say you could do that from a heterosexual standpoint. But it's way more explosive. I thought you're saying, yeah. So if you're, yeah, if you're, I think if you're gay, it's like, it's pretty much assumed, like, you're going to be slightly polyammer.

You party a little harder. Yeah. But, like, if you find out your neighbors next door, like the play partner brings the kid to school, you're going to kind of be like, come on, man. I see what you're saying. You're not following our rule. I thought you're saying you can have your play partner.

You shouldn't have your play partner. You can, though, if you don't subscribe to the heterosexual rulebook. Yeah, that's true. Which I'm not trying to throw that rule book out. You also can't, you can't have that. You can't explain an open relationship to kids. it's too fucking it's like two my kids are so binary

but you can't be hitting them with like well like you know mommy has like her boyfriend who's more of like a physical intimate lover that makes up for daddy's more kind of like good nature passive quality they're gonna think hold on dude like daddy's the strongest guy we know so yeah dad's a strongest guy you know mom only loves dad the bulls a little stronger but that's what daddy likes you can't have you can't have other

reason we moved to Austin to try to expand our rulebook. I'm just kidding. I'm not putting that out. I'm not trying to go to like, are Austin going wild? True. The mayor went on Milwaukee going wild. No shade. He got burnt.

I'm on the Austin's going wild too. Where? What? I'm on the Austin G-dub. How's Austin G-D-D-W? It's fine. It's kind of tepid. Yes. You know how the G-W scene goes. I don't. How wise your rule book, Lamar? What do you mean?

In terms of your rule, how wide is like, how far? Where does the shock start from? Yeah, where were your kink hit the fringe where you're like, ah. I don't, I don't have fringe kinks. I don't think. Okay. Yeah, I don't believe. I don't think I have any fringe kinks.

I tried to stop before it starts getting weird. Are you just sub-d-dom, basically? Yeah. Classic sub-d-d-down. Yeah. Classic Dom response. Yeah. So you're like,

vanilla with a little peanut butter swirle. Like a cherry vanilla. I get with that. We just left, me and my wife just left like deep suburbia where it's like weird if you don't have like two couples working for, or like both spouses working from home. Yeah.

And like if your kids don't play sports, they're like, yo. Yeah, true. They're weird. Although, I can get into that from a kink perspective. Like deep suburban kink. Yeah. Go like full deep suburban dead bedroom.

Birth on, both on antidepressants. And just let like 15 years pass. That'd be hot. It sounds kinky. Oh, fuck. It sounds kinky, but in reality, it's just to work from home, goon caves. And like a soccer game. Like, no one's, everyone's too lazy.

So it's just like. Too work from home goon caves. It's like her she shed. And like both of them are like, well, One of them's like reading erotica and the other one's like... Goody. Spending $1,200 a month on OnlyFans. True.

True. It's not a very spicy scene. It's not spicy. From what I know, I don't know. I've been locked into like... True. My heterosexual rule book household. Well, you've been on 1950s household for a while.

Are you all fed? I don't know. I've tried to establish that at the beginning, but it got shattered immediately. I've done it all, though. I've done seven years of, like, work from home. Yeah. Stay at home, dad. stay at home both parents while like dad yeah worked in mysterious ways yeah sure

you've done all kinds of things you've been on your wizard grind yeah we've been on a wizard ground we've been on a learning curve so you've tried all the different setups what would you say is the ideal as far as like spousal anything all things combined not just king i will tell you i've discovered what i think's the ideal what is the other reason that brought us to austin was we're trying to get into old. I'm more old Austin. I don't know. Hello.

Kind of weird to me. No shade. Hello. But like, you know, it's not really my scene. I'm old Austin. You know,

I'm like slacker, keep Austin weird. You know, I'm more like, I forgot you're bringing slacker back. I'm trying to become the apex slacker of Austin. That's fucking kind of sick. So like what me and Dana did was we sat down, right?

Uh-huh. We did this in the middle of the pandemic. Because my old goal used to be to slack full time. For sure. But I thought in order to slack full time, you need to make like a billion dollars doing something dumb. And then you can slack. Those guys don't really slack though.

I know. I learned that from my taco shop. I fucked up. That was like I started a taco shop to slack. Yeah. And it turned into 80 hours a week. 80 hours of pure capitalistic. Yeah.

Indulgence. True. So like what we did was we sat down and we were like, let's look at a bunch of. where we cut out anything extra. Like, what would we need to not get our kids taken away? There you go. Right? Four grand a month.

Perfect. Right? It's like, if we could go out with four grand a month, CPS won't come take our kids and we won't get divorced from being too poor. There you go. So, like, we just bump that up a little. That's the golden mean. That's perfect.

So we're like, I'm trying. She's not that into this. But what I want to do is put a dry erase board on the fridge and split utilities. and be like, yo, we both got to come up with this much money. Like, you owe me $33 for Comcast or whatever. She's not that into that idea. You're trying to go full crack-hand couple. No, I'm trying to go full, like, college-living boyfriend girlfriend.

Where it's like dry raceboard, you've got to come up with this much for like Austin gas. How are you going to handle if you smoke her down? How much of that costs? Bull pack to bowl pack. It all depends. True. That's a six setup. The whiteboard, here's what we need. She hasn't gone full into that yet. That's my eventual goal. True. Like, like, people are always like, what are you guys going to do in your

retire for not saving money? I was like, I'm going back to a whiteboard where it's like, baby, if you don't have money, you got to move out. I'll put up a Craigslist. Or we'll get another roommate. There you go. And then just tell them the rents more and pocket off that. Hey, that's a good idea. Yeah. I thought it's like, yo. Like, because I was like thinking, I'm like,

Dude, I was probably happiest back when I was like, fuck, I got to get $33 bucks. I would go to Chili's and like bust tables. And I get like a $33 envelope come home, give it to my boy. Be like, you know, Comcast Spade. Yeah, I'm done. And I just fuck off. That is a good way to go about it, though. It's just the kids throw a monkey wrench in it because they need so much shit.

Right. But like if I just tell them, like, this is mommy and daddy's whiteboard. And when you get older, you can join our whiteboard. I mean, that's how they learn to grind, though. It's true. It is a weird thing with money and kids where you don't. don't want them to turn into just like brats. Definitely.

Got to learn how to grind. They got to learn how to like come up with their load. So I'm just trying to think of when I can put them on. Yeah. Because there was a brief period where like Max started making a little bit more money than us watching reptiles. And we kind of were like, yo, do we put them up on the fucking like on the board? He was coming up with like two or 300 week at one point. That's not bad.

It was dry as fuck for both of us. And part of me is like, you know, dude like do we shake this kid down he went out he went out and bought like a fucking uh this video game system that has everything ever it was 300 bucks and i was like yeah maybe we'll get that for christmas he's like yeah maybe i'll get it right fucking now dude shut out 300 and bought himself like a setup you should have cut one of his lizard's fingers off my bro pay up with i was kind of like then he's like we kind of like like he's playing it all day and yeah he kind of bought it Well, you're the state, though.

You're the state. You have the right to taxi. It's true. But when your kid bought his own video game system, you come in, you go enough video game. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck off.

You couldn't buy it. I bought it, dude. Fuck off. Like, I'm paid. It's like having a roommate. True. So you have to establish some dominance. You have to.

So, like, you got to dry around. You can also be like, yeah, dude, you got to pay. Like, we get half of whatever you make. That's how this works. That's what the state does. Well, yeah, it's 47%. He was coming. up though. Oh, that's kind of nice. He was like watching all these lizards. He was like talking to people

for it. I'm just like, bro. I like the farmer's market tent. That's our other idea. He'll make a mint. You pay, be security. Like, Max, sorry, it's how it works, bro. Now, what we're thinking is, Dana's going to get back into singing. Yeah. Right? So she's trying to find some like spots where she can sing. Max's going to hustle those lizards. I'm trying to sell the Pedro's at the farmer's market. There you go. Probably at an off table off to the side. We have a communism tent. There's real communist tent here. Is there? Yeah, my comrades are there every week.

They're off. They're like on the side street. Wait, so what do they sell at the farmers market? They're poisonous ideology. Oh, they just preach communism. They just preach communism. I just get to walk by and you're like comrades. That's wild.

It's kind of sick. I just got a ride here from a deeply anti-communist, former communist Cuban immigrant. We'll get them. Bring him over there. Patriotic ass fuck. Yeah, dude. Like he had like eagles on the backs of all of his shit. Like, he was fucking rocking.

Probably, yeah, a couple years in communism might do that to you, He was like, dude, you try to come up and they come and take your shit. I'm trying to design down the road after I'm done sorting out my family finances. Like a subscription-based government where whatever you want, you chime in. That would be nice. So it's like if you want to be a commie, we have a communist track for you. That's not a bad idea. You got a fork.

It's a subscription. And if you're not a commie, you got to buzz your phone and be like, fuck, that ride was five bucks. That's not bad. If you want to be a commie, you can get all the commie shit. so we'll have like a commie tier that's not bad at all so like if you try to come into a nice spot like this like sorry commie like no offense but it's like this isn't the reality of what you subscribe yeah you didn't even your baby's opulent can you claim fake comrade what's that you can you claim fake comrade like fake no because you got to have a subscription yeah your shit's all hooked to it

it's all the shit you're talking on facebook you get linked to that and it's that's what it's that's your reality yeah so it's like you want everything to be free fuck shit's free but What if you like talk a different way on Twitter? You know? It's all it would. I thought Twitter was just Guden. Well, you can same thing for Goudin.

It's like whenever you're into on Twitters, all you can fuck with IRL. Well, you can either do like a social credit score thing where it's like how you act is how you get funneled into or it's just whatever you show you, you know, you put out and show up whatever you subscribe to like voting. Like I can subscribe to any party I want.

But does, like that's the thing that matters. I can say whatever I want. But dude, I think we should just get it like that. So like kind of like taking the. algorithm and making it real. So like if you're into like heavy like patriotic like this is the best country ever. You're in the army. Go join the army. Locked and loaded. Go over there. Also, anyone can

pilot drones for the most part. Like we can reenlist all the boomers back by right dude, go ahead. And like, you don't give a fuck by the Middle East? Go ahead. Pilot drone. So like instead of fighting at dinner someone would be like, yeah, I'm a communist. Like I subscribe to like commie way well, like some kind of waymo type shit. All your shit's there. Go for it. Yeah. So yeah, go. And then you see these, like, weird, like, block houses. Like, oh, that's where the commies live. But you're all friends. That's what I mean.

You see the mansions and you're like, oh, those guys play some other game. The capitalist. We don't really fuck with that. And then you get gruel. You get whatever you want. And you can, like, dip into all that. You can subscribe to both. That won't be bad.

So, like, you could get the commie set up. You get your block apartment. You get whatever you want. And get your government cheese. And if you're like, I'm kind of bored tonight. It's like, let's go hustle up some cash and go over here. You just can't get caught double-dip. Double-dip it.

It would be like you have an incognito wheel for your fucking capitalistic ideas. Not like your boy caught you. You'd be like, yeah, what the fuck are you looking at? You're like, oh, shit, I was getting some bread. True. Especially if you're a young, commie man, you like see a baby like, you can go out, hustle it up. Yeah. Like, I found a weird gift for you.

And you can vote. You can do it every you want, but it's all separate bubbles that everyone lives in. They're going to have to do something. They got it. We can't keep doing it the way it was. I think in Texas, the big race now is Talarico and the, uh, who Talarico, I believe, claims. The other guy is

yeah, isn't he like Epstein adjacent kind of? Or is that just smut they're putting on him? No, he like, he let like pedos out. He let petos out? Yeah, he let pedals out.

Damn, he did, he did reform on the petos. Yeah. Did he really let the petos? Let's get this, let's get this on the books because I, you know, I know how it gets.

Politics is a dirty game. You don't want the James Tarrico mud slinging? Talarico, well, no, Tala Rico didn't let. Oh yeah, he could be muslim. I think Talarico's quoted saying God is non-binary.

Which, here's a thing. That makes sense. I, hold on. I would give that to Talarico, but then no more fucking weird girls get to be non-binary. Because then that's just like, you can't claim to be. Wait, Tauroko claims God's non-binary. Yeah, I think it was like a political maneuvering, being like, God's

probably not, like, is he a man or a woman. They're probably like, God's probably non-binary, which is like... That's insane that that even enters the political discourse. I know. It's like, is God a boy or a girl. It's what here. Fucking third grade? I know. It's also a very clever way of saying God's fake.

Yeah, it's a way of saying he's fake. But yeah, God's not binary. Whatever, a bunch of bullshit. A bunch of fucking bullshit. There was an attorney in Waco that, you know, the trial was kind of fudged in Ken Pecks and I guess was in

charge of it. It ended in a hung jury. Nice. Respect. All packed out. And then Paxton's office opted for a plea agreement rather than retrying him. Retrying the peto? Yeah. Was it a powerful peto or just like a run of the mill?

He was an attorney. So, yeah, I guess he was pretty powerful. Dang. So Paxton took it easy on a pito. According to Google Gemini, yeah. According to Google Gemini. Yeah, that's not good.

You know? Yeah, I don't know. They're running the commercials heavy right now, which are always really funny. What, that he freed the petto? Just like the he freed the petto and then the one about Talmudel. Taylorico is just James Tallarico is weird. And then they play a bunch of clips of him being like, wait, so who freed the petto?

Tala rick, or Paxton? Paxton. Paxton. Calarico. I don't understand why we don't just zap petos like we do dogs that bite kids. Just come together and be like, yo, sorry. Is what it is like.

Said it a hundred times. It's like, just get rid of them. Just get rid of or put them on an island and let them. You don't, Pito Island will be nice. But all petos, no kids. That's what I'm saying. Oh, yeah, for sure, obviously. Eventually, eventually they would just go ape shit on each other.

They should, they should put it. like off the coast of Florida like just near Disney World just send them down there give them food give them whatever it's yeah you guys I don't understand why they try to reintroduce those guys whatsoever I do we're talking about the chris hanson movie I do think it is a little weird that they read those texts out loud there's something weird about that being like I'm gonna lick your little butthole it's like all right dude you don't need to read we know he's what he's trying to do you don't have to be graphic like when you say pito we get the rest of it totally get it like You sent dirty text, dude, you don't have to read him out loud.

Because, like, I used to watch that show and laugh. And when I watched the EDP thing, I was like, dude, this is a lot being like reading these texts. And I watch his thing with EDP. I'm like, dude, we know the guy's a bad pedophile. Who, EDP? Yeah, but it's like, not. You're putting in smotele's, he's an ageophile. Still get zapped.

But I'm saying. He's in a Phoebe file technically. He's a what? He's in a feebophile. He's a feebophile. He's a feeophile. He's a feeophile. He's a feeophile.

You're zapped. They should pedophile island, a feebophile island are different. But it's just like, dude, that's something you can't do. And if you do, you're gone. You got to go, bro. Yeah, you're fried. It's like if someone was at my house and they start doing remotely better shit, like you can never come to my house again.

You're out, dude. I don't need to hear your backstory, bro. Like, you got to go. And I don't want you in a fucking apartment two miles up the street from me. Just got to go, dude. Yeah. Like, Megan's all's a waste of time. Yeah, exactly.

You could say like Megan's all should be like, he used to live here. He can drive by, you all petter used to stay. But just send him somewhere. There's so much space. We just drove across the country. Well, dude, there's so much fucking space. If you murder people for murder, it only makes sense that the punishment for pedophilia

should match the crime and that should be exile forever. Here's the thing with murder. There is justifiable murder now. There is. I'm not saying it's, I'm not saying it's okay to kill someone, but if someone's like, yo, this guy walked in his house and his wife.

Yeah, he fucking shot the guy. Like some non-announced play partner was in the house with the wife. And he shot him. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's like, dude, I could see that happen. It's crime of passion. And it is understandable. It's like, it's not, it's not despicable. Like she's saying when are you going to be home, when are you going to be home?

And then like, you surprise her and come home early. Even though you kind of know. And you shoot him. And you're like, fucking, you've been bothering me about when I'm going to be home. And this is maybe you cave her head in with a hammer or whatever. That's understandable. It's not good. I'm still like, I'm still like, all right, dude, you know, put him in jail for a long time.

Yeah. He might go to therapy and come around. But it's like if you come out in 25. kid it's like dude yeah there's no justifiable there's no justifiable cause at all so it's like just take them yeah what how is that not why are they the laws so lax around that it's very odd i don't it's not that they're lax it's that they're they're like complicated it's like how is it complicated it's like fucking yeah yeah you're going or like basketball coaches for high schools that do weird shit it's like dude you have to go you're toast yeah well now they get

fired there's no yeah but they get fire but then they get like shuffled to like a sales job somewhere. It's like, dude, just take them. Like, we just drove through Arkansas, right? Yeah. No shit on Arkansas. There's a lot of crappy spaces in Arkansas. Put them all there. Yeah, you fence them off. Dude, there's like gas stations with shower stalls. They'll figure out what to do with each other. You can put them on a res. They need a res. Toss them on the pedoph. Put them on the Pez. Because they have pervert park. But they need to get further out. Here's the thing. And it can drop ship like basic supplies. No, here's what it should be. It should be like, all right, you get caught being a pedophile.

You're basically, you get like 30 days. So you're like a dog go for adoption. Yep. You're 30 days in the needle. And if your family wants to sponsor your existence, they can pay money. If you exist within like a 40,000, like a one acre chain link fence set up. Or same concept. Maybe you can like, yeah, true. This is jail. Or if you let's say you have like, let's say you have a job that like no one will do. And it's like cleaning toilets in like the back of an oil refiner in the middle of West Texas, you can adopt one and like, like, they could be like a Tesla kind of. You just put them way out there. Way out there. Slave, peto slave would be nice. Ped slave would be decent. All I'm saying is I think like as a nation, instead of fighting, we should have like a week

long conference in Philadelphia where we just bring up all the topics we can agree on, come to a conclusion. That's what I'm saying. Do rather than be like, who do you want to vote for? This guy banged a kid, but this guy let a kid out that bang to key. Yeah. Dude, let's end this conversation. Yeah, fucking next. Also, there's, there's a world of bizarre weirdos like bubbling up underneath them. I was like, all right, get out here. What else do we got?

Pop up. Yeah, that's kind of chill. Or at this point, I think we're at a point with like AI technology where we don't need politicians. Dude, I, I, they're, yeah. You could like register. Like, I would rather have my phone registered to me as an individual. I mean, I know it's like kind of social credit

story where like if I vote, it goes right to a counter. It's everything settled. Yeah. They bring up the topic. We discuss it amongst ourselves and we send it in. You don't need some dude who... Yeah, my phone could vote for me. You can go off my YouTube algorithm. Yeah. It's like here's kind of like white guy owns black guy in a debate. I was like... White professor. I had my screen time down to like non-existent. But then like the last month before I moved was pretty much just like Ryan out of prison sentence. Yeah. Because like I had nothing to do. It was like you're going to go get set up in Austin. So I'd like,

30 days of just like coffee sitting in the yard smoking six. Yeah. Kind of chill. So like my screen time was through the roof. And all it was was like one punch MMA knockouts in gas stations where like the guy you didn't think new karate, new karate. Yeah. I would just watch them over and over.

Like, oh, damn, I got fuck. And they could judge from that that you think pedophiles deserve the death penalty. Or just judge from that that I shouldn't really have a saying thing. Yeah. Yeah. This guy doesn't give a fuck. He's smoking cigarettes drinking 10 cups of coffee. Yeah.

watching knockouts. Let's just leave him out. He'll be fine. He's on his own shit. But if I'm on there like raging against like I'm so mad about this, then you get to say. Then you get to say. That's not that's not about it. Or if like you're a woman and you're like one of those like women that are like, I don't think women should vote. Just be like yeah, then she doesn't vote. Yeah. But if you're a woman that's into voting. Vote ahead. Vote away. Like it's like, it doesn't matter either way. We can't make blanket rules anymore because there's no monolithic like television Yeah, that's true. Everyone's on their own shit.

Yeah. Like everyone walks outside and sees another world now. Whereas we used to all come outside. Like, you see a fucking OJ case? And everyone cared about the OJ case. Now it's like, no, I didn't follow that. I've been like looking up Monsteraclippics. Yeah, good plan ID, by the way.

Fucking real solid play. Yeah, it's a nice monster. Switchies? I do. I wish I knew. I got caught front and I called it something else. I forgot what it was called. But yeah, I came back, by the way,

this thing was closed from last time we did the podcast. and I, in my weakness, I was like, those guys really got to fucking open my blinds afterwards into my head. And I was like, dude, they're your blinds or your plant. If you didn't notice, did it suffer from lack of sun? I mean, this thing is just,

it was nothing but suffering. But now, these plants are tough. This thing's tough. Yeah, there's a bunch behind the house right now. I might move out of this office soon. So, where you're going to move? I have a new office. We got the warehouse, bro.

Oh, yeah, we drove by that yesterday. Did you see it? Yeah, kids are hyped on it. We got a warehouse coming up. We went to, um, I really fucked up. Oh, we went to hop-dust. Yeah. And then we went to the next.

Yep. Were you fucked up and bought a warehouse? Yeah, dude, I have all, I don't have any money now. I just have a warehouse. Just skate part or do, like, shredder it out. I'm gonna do Robin Big. Make it a bad kid. Making a bad kid hang out.

I should. It was sick, though. Sigs, escape, exactly what Shredder did in TMNT. I mean, dude, that's pretty much what I'm doing. I've had it for like a year. I haven't done shit with it. Just like open it up, kind of make it look like it looks locked. And like let kids start doing their own thing.

there. So I end up getting exiled on. Go ahead, guys. You know, there's something there. It'll get fired. It will get it fired up. But I just wildly underestimated, you know,

I thought I was a warehouse guy. I'm barely a warehouse. I'm hanging on. I'm hanging on for dear life as a warehouse guy. Wait, so you bought the place next to it? Then what did we see yesterday that says, Hello. That's the place.

That's the warehouse. I'm a double warehouse guy. Wait, where's the other warehouse? Man, it turns out I'm a one warehouse man. Where's the other warehouse man? It's right next to it. Hey, that's what's up. Yeah, that's what's up, dude.

Can you freight him out or something or just start trucking? I might do like a fucking wee work. You should buy a truck. That's the hustle. I had for real thought about this. You should start trucking anything. And kind of get the rep for like, yeah, I'll drive whatever. I'll drive it.

I'll drive it. No inspections. Good business down here. I had this grand plan before of smuggling drugs and mattresses. That was my big thing. Just kind of sick. Mattresses, mattress warehouse in Mexico, cut them open, load them up, and just fucking truck them.

Drug games kind of cooked, though. It's cooked, yeah. Drug games fucking whack now. Maybe peeps. I can throw some peeps in those mattresses. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. If you've thought about trying therapy with our long-term partner BetterHelp, insurance options may now be available nationwide,

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I'm really not fun. There you go. Try stuff. I'm sure you can do something with the warehouse. I'll get it. I'll get it. I'll figure it out. Just turn it into like, I don't know, you do the warehouse. Halloween.

I'll do a Halloween, a haunted Halloween. On Halloween. I had an idea, like, you've ever been doing an escape room? The what? Escape rooms rule, yeah. Dude, I had an idea. Britney's king, by the way. What?

We're big escape room heads. Dad, dude. Not lying, dude. They're nice. I went to one. People shit on escape rooms. Dude, I kind of shit on them. I thought it was like quirk chung-a-shut.

but my boy Kurt brought me to one. Yeah, man. I had so much fucking fun. It's the best. And I was obsessed with it for like three days. Then we moves. I haven't gone to another one. Bro.

They are so much fucking fun. They fucking rule. I thought it was like doggo pupper shit. Like I don't want to grow up. That shit fucking. They rule. And it's also like, I mean,

it's a real test of metal. Everyone wants to talk shit until they get in the room. I was there with dog shit. We'll see you solves more puzzles, dude. I was there with a dude I'd never met. and my boy, Kurt, who's an airline pile. That's sick. All locked in.

Damn. We got there. Zero ego. We all were just on a team locked. It wasn't like, I was like, dude, if I came here. What kind of room were you talking? Like, what was the theme? It was like an auto body shop where like things weren't quite what they seemed.

It seemed kind of like a horror movie type thing. It was really chill. You get any hints? A couple hints. Yeah. And we didn't solve it either. But I was like, tell him, like, dude, if I came in there with my brothers, we would be fighting. Yeah.

I was in here with two dudes that we were. There's too much ego in the room. Dude, it's like, dude, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Dude, you're like, oh, yeah. But I went in with three dudes and none of us had anything to prove to each other. So we just, like, fucking locked in. It was like one mind. He still didn't win, though.

Yeah, they're so fun. And what the most fun thing was, I was like about to hop in the shower and dude texting me. He's like, yeah, you want to go to an escape room? I was like, like, in general. He's like, no, in like three minutes. I was like, yes. I just, like, jumped in his car and we went.

Did the escape room, he dropped me right back off. It's good, clean adult fun. But no, with your warehouse, dude, you could do a Halloween thing. I had this idea after the escape room where set it up like a cabin and have like a murderer Jason man legitimately chasing you and your friends. So if he like hits you with the blade, you're dead. So you have to like hide under mattresses or hide. Kind of like hide and seek, but like Halloween theme.

Yeah. Like he will kill you. That's tight. So it's like you go in, you get like a 15 minute time slot. and like you're going through a haunted house that's just a normal warehouse but with like pallets and like stuff. It's not a bad idea.

And like random like you don't know what's happening and like dude hops out and slashes you in your toast. That's pretty sick. I was thinking Halloween theme I might actually take some of the city employees that are holding it up and murder them and actually murder the city employees. Are they rough down here like Philly?

They're not as bad as Philly. Philly. Everyone's like, dude, this is the worst. I'm like, you guys, you can call the city down here and they'll answer the phone. Like the permanent, you can talk to people at the permanent office. You can't do that.

You can barely talk to them if you go down there. If you're enough, you can't. And then they find one reason that you piss them off and you're out of line. I think they'll probably do that here too. But it's, Philly's so much more like harder than. The entire Northeast, like once I started coming down here, I was like, dude, this is insane how it gets high functioning action down.

Dude, we are, our, uh, one time our trash didn't get all the way picked up. Like a couple bags got stuck in the bottom. we called a number like the 4-3-1-1 or whatever it is. Dude answered. First of all, they answered. And then they were like, oh, sorry about that. That next day, a trash truck drove back, dumped the trash in and took off. And I was like, that's fucking insane.

You don't get that up in the Northeast. No, you can't call them. You can, I remember. I got the parking authorities like legit number because they had booted one of my, they booted a couple of my whips. And the one time I was like really, I was like kind of nice hitting the guy with the sad sack. bro, I'm fucked.

And he goes, dude, take this number. Don't tell anyone I gave it to you. So I would call the parking authority all the time. And get direct line. And they'd be, how did you get this number? They got so mad. I had the direct Philadelphia parking authority right to the belly of the beast.

Well, like, that's what me and Dana were like blown away by it. Like, you come down here and it's just so much smoother. Yeah. Like Philadelphia is insane. Dude,

wait till you wait for like six months and hop off a plane. You get in the Philly airport and you're like, what the fuck happened? It feels like everyone just got over a fight. You know, like post-flight energy when the house is quiet. Yeah. Why is everyone's the whole thing?

It's crazy. Or like me and Mac went, we went to get coffee the first morning we were here. And we pulled up some fucked up ghost kitchen. I was like, I reed. Right? And we hop out. And so I was like, I needed some coffee. I had a pounding headache.

I'm like, what the fuck is this place? I got out literally cursing with an eight-year-old with me. Like, what the fuck is this place? Mac, look. And some dude was like, hey, man, this is a ghost kitchen. And he walked me through the entire process. Then some other young Mexican man walked up and Max said hi to him and he shook his hands. Good morning.

That's so nice. And Max was like, dude, that guy was cool. I'm like, bro, people are cool down here. People are very nice. If I pulled up somewhere in Philadelphia and didn't know what I was doing, someone might punch me. Yeah. They would call you gay. They would feel call you gay.

Yeah. Or they just ignore me. Yeah. So it's like you come down here. Everyone says hello. Everyone's chilling. Yeah. People are a lot friendly here for sure.

I think what has happened over time is like people have left Philadelphia. it if they were like kind of chill and headed west. Yeah. Whereas like we're still stuck with like the people who land it and how pissed off they were. True. And it's just in our minds. It's like, dude, you're pissed. Like, fuck that.

Just the very first spot. Could it move and just. It's like got from Ireland. Mm-hmm. I mean, it's literally as close as you can get. Got to New York was like, it kind of sucks here.

I'm going to find something better. Came down to Philadelphia. Like, I guess everything sucks. It just said. And it's like eight generations. of like life sucks. It's true.

In Ireland. It sucks here. It sucked in Italy. It sucks here. Yeah. Sucked in New York. It sucks in Boston. It sucks. And we all accept it. It's true. You just accept how much everything's... The weather sucks, too.

Weather blows. I can't bam out of that much. No, that last winter you guys had was bullshit. It's what happened. It's why we moved to. Yeah. We were down here. We went home. We were like, dude, why are we still meddling around? I couldn't stop laughing just at the potential just in case if one of those

lizards or like if a tarantula had gotten out in the hotel that would have ended the business. If you were, if I was in a hotel and I took a picture of a tarantula and put it on Yelp, that place would be like. Especially like cruising down the highway like, yo, it's got one star.

Yeah, there's fucking tarantulas there. Yeah, we smuggled him in too. I know. It was nuts having like my eight year old son like run cover. I'm like, you know, when we roll in and say what's up to the do to the desk and he'll think. you're cute. I'm blasting by with like snakes in a barrel.

They had a bell hop cart with a black. I got stacked with like fucking pythons and shit. The guy's like, good morning or good evening. We're like, hey, dude, how you doing? I just had like a sheet over it. I felt like the fucking, like I told dad if I were sneaking into a Jason Aldeen concert. What's a Jason Aldeague?

The Vegas dude. I was like, Steve Batting. I was like, now I understand because I was always like, dude, there's no way that guy. snuck all those submachine guns in the entire. I'm like, dude, you easily could. Yeah,

you totally could. It's like some dude, like looking at his phone. Yeah, you're just rolling machine guns past. Two bellhop carts covered in blankets. Yeah, covered in a blanche.

It could have been a bomb on those things. They would have no idea. Dude, had no care. I didn't know mom was in a chat GBT. That's my favorite development. Dude, she was printing out chat GBT

strategies. She was like cybernagging my dad on the way down. And like, so she, She had ways, right? Three. Yeah. She would, like, go into chat GBT and be like,

what's the best way to avoid Dallas traffic? And it would be like 50 bullets. So she'd be like reading printed chat GBT bullets to my dad while driving in Dallas traffic. Oh, my dad, you're a fucking saint. I told her before I left. I'm like, dude, take it easy on the way home. Yeah, man.

stare at the ways and it'll do everything for you. It'll do this in real time. So I was telling you, mom, we've already figured this out. Yeah. Did you put it through AI? I'm like, mom. Like, you're three years late to the game. And, like, it's hitting you with bullets that are designed to, like, how you read and how you talk.

Yeah. So you're literally, like, taking AI consciousness and hassling dad with it. Like, you're hitting him on a level that's like, I started to fear AI when I was coming down. Before I'd be like, whatever, AI's not going to. I'm like, dude, AI's going to make our lives. hell. We're going to be like 60, like trying to look beach chairs onto the beach with our wives. And they're going to be like, dude. It says here high tides at three. Oh, fuck. I'm going to fucking high. You can't hit them with all the knowledge in the world.

Yeah. No. Brittany hit me one time. We were text fighting. And she goes, for real, send this whole thing through rock. It'll tell you you wrong. I was like, bro, fuck that. I'll, I'll, I give up. I did that one time. One time I was fine with Dana. She'd start it live chat. G. G. G. Yeah. I have to draw the line here. Because they tell you what you want to hear. I know. I know. They're just like, your husband shouldn't punch you. I did to be nice big. It'd be nice to be like a firm shake is still domestic violence. Also, to be like, I kid. I've never once, like I've been so mad at my life. I've never once thought about like hitting, like I don't understand that.

Hitting her. I've just never, like. I've only thought about in the abstract like should I for real like pin her down and would that help? But I'm like, no. But like, my track goes right. Like maybe that does work. Just be like, fucking listen.

But I do. If I'm like, I'll never. If I hit my peak madness, it goes to like start walking and become an alcoholic on the streets and forget about all. True.

It's a safer place. Like I always tell her when we fight, I'll close my eyes and she's like, what are you doing? I'm like, I'm just dreaming of the day where I'm just getting like woken up on a bench.

And people are like, I think he had a family somewhere. Just like, college kids are like giving me Molly and stuff. They're like, yo, give him Molly. It's funny. He tells funny story. And I'm like, I had a family.

That's my new happy place. I'm just like, dude, I could just be like a nameless bum in a college town. Drifter beach bum. Just awesome. Especially a bum with some sense. Dude, they're, they're, they're, it's the most coveted position if you think about it. Yeah. Like you walk up, people give you sigs.

They give you like beers and they're like, he's a good dude. He's not a bad one. Exactly. You don't have to do anything for him. You'd be a little. move a couch out of a car, you get paid for a month. You're chilling. I was telling you.

You move people like standing there. Hold on a parking spot right here. Yeah, park is about right here. I got you. I always look those guys up. Or like as they're walking the street, tell them the coffee shop's closed. Easy.

Before they're like that close. You're the most valuable dude in the world. True. Get on the 7-Eleven door hustle. Yeah, you're opening the door. Don't ask anyone for money. People might give you. Yeah, God bless you.

Yeah, God bless you. Hey, man, can I get one of them six? Done. Hey, can I get half that beef stick. Oh, he's done. No one's going to fight with me. No, you'll be chilling. My kids will understand.

Yeah. I was telling him like, dude, I'm not going to die. I'm not going to put you through like parent death. One day I'm just going to drift into oblivion. I'll be like 65. So like you won't have to go through the suffering of like my dad died. You'll know I'm alive and you'll always think I'm alive. But I'll just be like holding doors in a seven of life.

Job done. Like you're 24. You got married. Did you think. I'm just going to kind of drift into like. That's kind of nice. Just a wayward. But you can text me.

Actually, you can set up like a chat, GPD filmed. Not even that. As far as you know, I'm dead. Like I, as your provider, father, Thomas, I'm dead. The whiteboard's yours. But you don't have to suffer like saying goodbye and hold my hand. Yeah, yeah.

Watching the thing beep. That'll happen out of your sight. Take a sick picture of yourself. Yeah. But here, keep this. I'm good. I'm just done my job that I started. And I don't want it to get awkward.

Yeah, I don't want to get, I don't want to watch me die. Like, you know, like, whenever I have now, you can have. Yeah. We'll do the inheritance thing now, whatever, you know, settle my debts. I'm just going to start walking. I don't think anyone can stop it. It's not like you're faking your death. No, it's not bad. You're just ending your existence.

You're going to a hermitage pretty much. You're going to an hermitage. Yeah. It's very Eastern to do. You don't have to deal with, like, getting a phone call where it's like, hey, you've got some bad news for you, man. Yeah, yeah. Fucking SIG's caught up with me or like. Yeah, and it's nice because he can be like, he's probably still out there right now. Yeah, my dad's live.

Yeah. I just wonder he is. He's helping some college kids. I remember it was funny. I had mom and dad stay with me for two days. And I haven't watched him operate in a while. And we were just like eating breakfast, talking about weight gain.

And my mom's still in the bedroom. My dad's sitting there. And he's like, Merrick, tell him what I told you? What would I tell you what happened if you gained weight? And my mom walks out of our guest room. She goes, he told me it hit me on the head with a shovel. You take me out back and hit me in the head with a shovel.

He's so full of shit. But then she was like She was telling me about how he He was like He loves driving trailers all over the place And he had a trailer on the back of the truck logging some shit And one of the tires went

So he was in the Walmart parking lot And he was like Trying to take the tire off But you're like you gotta take it off yourself You're gonna like trade it in for another I don't know what the fuck he was doing But they were like you gotta take the tire off yourself And I was like whatever

He's down on his hands and knees And like Alabama taking a fucking tire off a trailer And it was rusted on and he couldn't get it off. And my mom was like, bro, just fuck. It's like, just leave it on. Who gives a fuck?

Because he was trying to get it off in case. He's like, it's old. So I don't want it to pop. I'm gonna get a new one or play, whatever. Trucker shit. It's trucker shit. And my mom's just like, yes.

So I told him, I said, because he's like, he got like a heart palpitation. She's like, you're going to die on a Walmart parking lot with a heart attack. Is that really what you want? Go ahead and do.

I'm like, Jesus lady, fucking guy's fucking tripping out right now trying to tie her off. Like, you're going to die right now. Dude, I always think like... They're fucking brutal, dude. I'm always like, my wife's going to chill out as the kids get older and like,

she doesn't have the leverage on me of like, I have to take care of these kids with you. But like, I'm like, it's just going to escalate. Yeah, dude, they fire up. That's why old dudes just booze and fucking watch sports and like, God. Dude, I mean, after it, no force can, like, no one can withstand that for that for that long without just mentally smoothing out. That's what I say, if I go back to my original plan, if we have the whiteboard, it's just

like, hey, babe, what do you want to do? I get some pizza. Yeah. It's like, 908. It's like, all right. Like,

if the delivery comes and she's trying to grab a slice and be like, you got cough up fine. You gotta get down on this. I'll just be gaming and be like, yeah, you'll play barricart.

Just fucking run with it. It'd be sick. It would be sick. It's a long term goal. That is a nice one. It's a couple's goals. It's a couple of goals. It's like morph into

college roommates. That would be perfect. Always smoke weed together. Yeah. Order from Uber eats. You didn't get me anything? No. No.

She'd be like, oh, fuck. I got on my phone. she'll order it too. Yeah. Not a big deal. You would think. Or if she's just not home for a couple days, I'll be, I wonder where the fuck she is.

Then she'll be, I got fucking hammered at preakness. I'll be like, damn, for real. It's fucking sick. It's fucking sick, babe. But yeah, I'm glad you. I'm glad you made it down. That's nice. It's been sweet, dude.

So far it's been sweet. We got a lot on packing the dude. We got a lot of shit to figure out. Yeah, I was fucked up for like straight six months. I keep getting hit with like waves of like reality shift panic. Mm-hmm. where like I'll be talking the kids in. I'll just be like,

dude, where the fuck am I? Yeah. And I've been having insane dreams. Really? Like, you're under different constellations now. I think it's different constellations.

Andrews, so I'm downloading a new map. Probably. So my brain at night, it's in overdrive. I'm like getting a new GPS system. It's kind of sick. It's kind of sick.

It was seeing new stuff all the time tires you out. The first thing, I would drive past shit and be like, never even seen that. It's so confusing. We're trying to figure out the roadways and shit. It's mind boggling. It really tires you out.

But then you realize, like, it was so much more difficult getting off and on, like, I-76. Yeah. And no one's letting you in. But, like, just, like, loop arounds and shit. And I have no idea where I am ever. Yeah. That's something. I'm saying.

I put GPS in. I'm 100% relying on it with zero frame of reference. Dude, it took me. Yeah, it took me like five months to be able to drive anywhere without a GPS. And I would come by, you with, I would think I was like Lewis and Clark. I'd be like, bro, I can't believe I just made to the grocery store. back by myself. This is crazy.

Even that, like we don't know where to get groceries. Yeah. We're trying to figure all that. That's kind of fun, though, because then you have to find a new little spot and find this and that and blah,

blah, blah. Yeah, we'll be doing that for a while. It'll be sweet. I think it's chill. That's what I've learned. Even the babe steady for sure is like the key. I have to keep.

So I do it every morning I wake up. I'm like, got to steady the babe. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you for bringing us here. Do the best. You're working your magic right now.

You don't even understand. Girl, you are magic. Mama, you got this. Yeah, you got to keep the babes. That's step one. The kids are chilling. The kids are like, kids don't give a fuck about anything.

Having boxes everywhere is cool. Dude, they think it's, it's, they just live for excitement. I walked out this morning, Maggie was just dancing to Mexican music out front.

Yeah. Just chill. She said, dude, this is nice. It's like, you're standing a bunch, like a bunch of empty boxes

just dancing to like cumbia music. They don't give a fuck at all. When they took all of our stuff out of our house, when we moved. I remember like sitting the kids down and being like, guys, it's really important. I go away and do shows. I have to do this. So we get stuff. And they took all my shit out of my house and you're like, this is awesome. And I was like, fuck, dude. You don't want any. Your father's an ego maniac. Sorry guys. Now, they're chilling. I think they'll like it a lot down here. They will. It's my would complain all the time. You'll go, it's too hot. I'm like, shut up.

You'll be fine. And where we were living, just nothing, like, especially for them, it's so boring. It is, yeah. Like Philadelphia suburbs, like unless you're in there, they're homeschooled. So they're not in like the run of the mill. Yeah. It's just every day. They're just like, yo,

what are we doing today? They don't just roll with me. You're not playing like traveling the cross. It's like there's not really. And luckily they're young enough where they hadn't hit that serious wave yet. But down here, like they're going to some river school tomorrow for the day. Like there's tons of shit.

It's going to fucking rock. Tons of chill people. River school's going to be bumping tomorrow. Even like when we were saying hi to dogs yesterday with the kids, everyone's so nice. I know. Whereas like where we were, it's like, hey, can we say hi to your dog?

And they were like, get down, squat, put your hand out. Let him sniff you first. I'm like, shut up. And they immediately start giving your kid the download on how to approach a dog. And you're like, first of all, I'm assuming he's friendly. Yeah.

Why the fuck would you bring into a kid's playground? Second, like, shut up. It's such a happy moment. And you're like, I'm going to tell you now. It's like, dude, just fun. But I get audibly angry whenever they're like, we pay your dog and guy back, I prefer you didn't.

I'm like, you motherfucking bitch. I swear to fuck. I get, Bernie's like, it's right. But like my thing is you have a kid approach you to paint your dog, right? I get so mad, dude. Pissing me off. All you have to say is I get mad when people don't match kids vibe. Yeah.

Like that. So it's like, I paint your dog, no. It's like, fuck you. Dude, just be like, he has the, the diaries right now. And the kid I'm like, ha, ha, ha, ha, dog diarrhea. And you're like, don't touch him. Dude, we had it. There was a dog the other day.

I saw, I saw a dog the other day full muzzle. It's like, bro, get rid of that fucking thing. You're walking a dog on like a fucking Hannibal. It's like having a car you have to tow everywhere. You got a bad one, bro. Dude, I is, ship him off.

Maya was like, why does he have that? I'm like, it might bite someone. Why would you have that? Some people are just nuts to that. Yeah, true. They're just like liability ads where they're like, I don't want to take a chance.

Dude, good luck in life. I should chat my ass. When I prefer you didn't pet him actually. It's like, okay. Okay. All right. Way to chill. And then they're not like an asshole walking.

why like fucking bitch. I don't get. That's like, that's a bad word. I'm like, my shut up. All right. It's pissing me off. I don't get any of that in old Austin.

Yeah. No. Oh, man. Come on. Jeez. I'm a new Austin. I love the domain. I like New Austin.

I don't know where anything. You could drop me. Hello. Tell me it's old Austin. You would, you would puke in the domain. Is it chill? I like it.

What is it? Do you like modern retail? Nah. And sleek apartment housing above it? Ha. Ha. Ha, ha.

I don't not like it. I'm on some new shit where I'm trying to not, not like anything. Yeah. It's just if I'm not into it, I just don't let it enter. Yeah, you just go out.

Okay, it's not for me. I'm not going to actively not like. It's like no dog mentality. It's like my new mentality. If there's something that doesn't resonate with me, I'm just going to like, I love that that exists.

It's a good move. Rather than be like, because I realized back east, I spent most of my time talking to Dan about how much I hated shit. Yeah, true. You know what I fucking. hate, Subaru's.

Why don't I just talk about that for an hour? Like, I'm not going to buy one. Just let them go. They don't affect me. You know, like, you know,

I fucking hate. Work from home people. Yeah. Why? Why would you even think about it? It was just East Coast bullshit, dude. Yeah,

it is. You get caught up. I was out in California. I was like 20. I remember I was going to move out there with these pot dealer or these like pot growers. And the dude was like,

do go home, get your shit together. Don't get cut up in the East Coast bullshit. Get right back out here. Damn. He told me this like 24 years ago. And you got caught up in the East Coast.

I got caught up in ECB. For 24 years. I got caught up in ECBS. Oh, excuse me. I came back and was like, yo, deuces,

I'm going out to Tahoe to grow weed and then like slowly. I vaguely remember this. I was gone. How'd you get caught up in the ECBS? It gets you, dude. It's like a spider web.

I do. Slide back in. You're trying parallel parks. Start fighting with you guy. 24 years ago by. I had a similar tale. I was going to move to Brazil. Yeah.

My goal was the grow weed, cash. in, move to Brazil. I got caught up in the ECBS. Dude, it gets you, dude. Wherever, bro. I don't even know what happened. You don't even know. My, my crop failed, though. Still, though. I put weed. I put a weed plant under your basement.

Yep. I put in the basement thinking you could just put a light on it and walk away and come back three months later to dense foliage of nose. I always. Not the case. Not the case. I always assumed growing wheat was the easiest thing in the world. So hard. Because I was like exposed to the propaganda that weed growers were like the biggest losers in the world. Like growing up was like the guy probably grows weed. plays video games.

And then when I got into it, I was like, this is the most refined art there is. It's so hard. It's so hard. And you can, you can unravel a multitude of, like, tricks and, like, turpines and light profiles.

And it's like, it's the most respectable craft. Especially if you get into, like, yeah, fucking genetics and breeding and crossbreeding and all that stuff. And people, like craft beer, I think is for fucking, craft beer's the dumbest shit you do.

It's, yeah, it's not as, Not as refined at all. It's like, oh, I've used this different malt. Yeah, you're pouring liquids together. You're pouring liquids together.

You made oatmeal and let it fucking sit. But once again, I don't hate it all because it's like, dude, I don't drink craft beer. That's ECBS. It's ECBS to spend time

hating shit that you're not even involved in. That's true. That's the pinnacle of ECBS. There might be some USBS. A little bit of USBS. That's true. A lot of people get into that, hating something they have nothing to do.

Or just identity. identifying with what they're not full time. True. It's like, dude, I'm not a lib. Yeah. You might be kind of a lit. He might be a little lit. Some of these ideas might be kicking a little.

Yes, that could be, that's a tough thing to go. So I'm working on that, becoming the Apex Slacker. Apex Slacker. Apex Slacker. When people see him, they'll be like, oh, that's, that's him. That's the dude. He's the top of the slack. I don't think he has a bank account.

But like, he's somehow from. That is nice. It's my goal. Also, who is that dude? There's a lot of, yeah, there's a lot of spots. Dana can get to doing our music at, too. We're fully confident.

Like, I told Dan, I'm like, dude, our dryboards, like six hens each. That's all she needs. We could definitely do that. Dude,

one day, I mean, there's a, there's a nook in the airport. You can just plug in a guitar. I have big dreams, dude. I'm looking for a soft percussionist.

I want to start like a soft percussion trio. That's good. Get a couple of cues of guitars. Just get a piano. get an outdoor piano and start doing the, that'd be nice. The farmers market here, someone does the big xylophones. They rip those. That's extra. But

I hate it on them. I want a piano. I want to walk by and the guys like halfway through Rocket Man. I give him five bucks. True. I can't even play that yet. But that is, the exalophone is a little extra, especially when they do like four prongs in one hand. You're like, dude, it's cool that you get up. Like I said. Yeah. It doesn't resonate. I love you.

I love what you're doing. I'm not going to spend time thinking. True, true. I'm just going to keep moving. I met a dude years ago back when I was on my like capitalist grind I went down to Florida and bought a motorcycle slight unseen. I bought like an old sports store I was like fuck yeah I'm just buying motorcycles

I'm doing I was riding around like the backwoods of Florida and it broke down some dude just randomly pulled over right and he was like yeah let me get this thing running for you drain did a bunch of like drain the gas got me some fresh gas because it's probably bad gas if it's old yeah so I hopped in his truck left the bike on the side of the road.

We went to the gas station. He was drunk as fuck. He like bought another like chelada at the gas station. Yeah. Drinking that comes back, gets my bike running. I'm like, brook, I give you some money.

He's like, I don't need any money, man. He just promised me you'll never leave a stranded motorist anywhere. I was like, I promise you, brother. Damn. But I was like, what do you do down here?

The dude lived in Florida, right? He was an alcoholic, drank most of the time. But his job was, geysers would pay him to be like boots on the ground. So if they're like, you got an Amazon pack and you put it inside because it can't sit in the heat. He was the man who

opened your door and put it in. Made 60K a year. What? And then just drank all winter because no one was there. Well, the geysers all came down. He just hit the paint all winter. Sober up, do his job in the summer when it sucked out and then get back to chilling full time. It's kind of sick. I was telling him, I do, when to get down here and just like, my dream job is to be like the dude who like shows people apartments.

So like I get some like young couple and they're like looking at an apartment. I'm just like reading text. Like, yeah, you like it? That's not bad. I don't give a fuck, you know? That's not a bad gig. Yeah, fill out the application. Hold on.

Yeah, I'll email you the application, guys. It's on Reddit. I'm just on Reddit. No kids. Like, fucking dorks. I was like, I guarantee you we can find jobs out here that are just like, oh, we need like a dude who's not always drunk. That can, like, show like, young bubbly couples houses.

that they might want to rent because they got a job with like Tesla. Dude, I just go, dude, let's go, dude. If we have dogs here,

I'm like, I don't know. Read the application. Yeah, probably. I don't know. Or I'll just text and be like, go door code 6-924.

Easy. I'll be over there in 20 minutes. That's perfect. What would you rock? Would you dress biz cash or just pretty leisure? Same thing. Same thing. Babe ponytail.

Fuck, that's sick, actually. I might go ponytail clean stash. Tell him I'm old Austin. It's changed around here. This place used to be cool. That's still cool.

It's just... Yeah, true. Cooler. Yeah, you used to be cool. Dude, rainy street was crazy. I remember, yeah, 15 years ago. Yeah, it was totally crazy. You saw it.

I'm all about it. Remove the height restrictions, build up. Go up high. Block City Hall. Block all that crap. I don't know. I want the TerraFab just laid right in the middle of fucking Congress. Just fully like Tesla.

A hundred million square. kitchens only robots only waymo's only waymo's rope i'm a futurist i'm into waymo me too waymo rules i think what we should do is like futureized cities as far as we can and then like you can have outskirts where you can get into the old ways that's not bad you can go stay there as long as you need to but when we get to the city we're taking care of business let's go full tech drone every drone every like make the cities as high tech as we possibly yeah and then like keep the outskirts so rural As soon as you're like, damn, dude, I just want to go, like, get stoned and live in the country.

20 minutes away. Goat chill right there. That's not a bad idea. Milk a goat. Do whatever the fuck you want. Yeah. Back to the city. Like, back to business.

Put your helmet on. Like, all your biometrics are tracked. Like, if you study, chill beats all about, like, lofi study music automatically comes on your earpiece. Like, you're tapped in when you go in the city. There's no, you don't think about a fucking thing. And then if you want to, like, go make a baby with your wife, go out to the fucking sticks. If you want to conceive in town, it's IVF only.

You got to dress like a stormtrooper. You hit the city. It's like folding chair pants. I forgot to wear it. Maya told me you had them. Fuck. She was kind of clown on you. She's like,

she's like, my dad has folding chair pants. They're so boring. Dude, just not. Well, like, yeah, you step into the city and it's like,

everything. I put on the, uh, So I get the... You don't even eat. He sent me the... Tom sent me the picture with the folding chair pants

and I was like, I'm getting them right now. I'm going to get an exoskeleton. I'm getting an exoskeleton. 12-hundred off Amazon. You can get like a jogging exoskeleton. It's basically you're on like an elliptical in real life. You should be able to do all that in the city judgment free. And the city will be like,

yo, why are you walking your dog? We have dog walkers. Yeah, what the fuck are you do? That's country shit. Yeah, there's a dog treadmill. Just put them on there. It's like you come in, headset, work from home.

Exoskeleton. Exoselting with your wife. Texting your wife. Like fucking everything's Alexa. Yeah. What time do my kids get? Alexa. Yeah.

Alexa. What time? Put on my kids lullaby. Alexa, start the bathwater. Everything's like boom. And then you got to country. It's like, you know, dad, I missed you. It's like, yeah, city just is what it is.

Yeah. I don't tuck you in in city limits. True. You go in your pod. I go in my pod. Optimal temp. We're tapped in. But you're getting everything done.

You know what I mean? Like the productivity is through the fucking root. I'd have like 40 AI agents firing off 7,000 emails. You'd fight with your wife through AI agent. Dude, I was laughing about getting the AI agent. And he's like, yeah, dude, it sends emails. It's like, to who? To the other AI agents?

But dude, let the cities rip and do that. Go crazy. That's what most people's work from home jobs are. Yeah. It's like, oh, you didn't send that email in on time to the email, email, email, email. Like, they're not doing anything. bullshit. You're working room.

You're really doing anything. You're not. And you're not as tapped in. You're not as locked in as you should be. No. But I'm saying take that. It's like pro-vigual exoskeleton. Yeah.

Wake up. AI agents. Yeah. Stim. AI agents. And then you just fucking fire them off. Stim. 40,000 emails to your department.

They have their, they like filter your emails. Yeah. Blast me. The fire. Like everyone who has ever bought anything off you gets an email about that thing they bought off you. Gets the backstory. It's just like your AI agent sends your backstory to everyone.

Like, I'm at McCusker. Here's where I came from. Like, oh, cool. I got that backstory email. Done. Dude, I wore the chair pants for Maya thinking she would laugh. I put them on and she was like, uh, take those off.

Yeah, she called me. She called me to clown on you. She's like, yeah, my dad's got chair pants. She cried, dude. I put him on and she saw, I, she saw me like,

because I was putting them on. You just, I like, I finally got it. My legs are all strapped up with all the stuff. And I finally sit, but I'm like trying. I'm like,

Justin, I almost fell over. And I see her look at me. And she was like, take, take those off, dad. And I think, I think, like, it downloaded into her. You know, like, when you're a kid, you're like, my dad's like super so smart and perfect. I think it's like a fucking six-year-old. I think it's a six-year-old dad died in her. And she went, oh, this guy is a fucking idiot.

Yeah. And then she started to cry. She got, like, well, I'll take him off. I'm sorry. I'm just, I'm just kidding around. She got that memo like 20 years early. Yeah, it was. I was like, fuck, that's all me.

I thought she would think it was funny. the natural progression is like my dad's the coolest he's the smartest then you hit like 20 and you're like my dad doesn't know anything and then you have a kid and you're like this guy yeah yeah yeah i'm not i'm not to work back and we're good graces the chair pants dude fucked her up she's like he said they're boring but sometimes i'll be like hanging with dad and i look back in all the times where he was like oh let me show you how to do this i was like let me show you how to do this fuck off like i'm going to go playing the creek dork i was like 19 he was like trying to show me how to like do car stuff I know.

Dork. I was thinking about that. I was like, I never learned about car stuff, but I definitely would be like, later dude. Later, dude. Like,

I'm gonna go do anything besides I just chill with you. Like, I look back. I'm like, dude, if Mac did that to me, I'd be gutted for, oh,

God, yeah. My boy doesn't want to chill with me. My boy thinks I'm a dork. Yeah, is what it is. It was definitely that. I never,

I never got to learn car stuff. I'd see him in the garage and be like, yeah, I'm going to walk around the other way. I'm fucking dip. I got, I got a case of beer. I'm working out of a case of beer right now.

I'm trying to get some weed. I'm getting the fuck out of here. This guy is fucking gay as hell about me smoking weed. I'm outy. Dude, thanks for coming. All right, dude. Thanks for having me. We did it.

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