Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 640 - Metasexuality (feat. Dylan Sullivan & SWIM)

Episode Date: October 8, 2026

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Support Dylan on IG @dylanraysull https://www.instagram.com/dylanraysull/?hl=en Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Go See Lemaire Lee Live @ https://lemairelee.fun/ YO! What's gudddd witchu? We got SWIM and the D.A.W.G. Dylan Sullivan (aka Sully) in the MattCave for you this week. Everyone wish the Big Kahuna good luck - he's in NYC for SNL this weekend :) Support Sully. Hail SWIM. Have a great rest of your week. Please enjoy. God Bless. Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/DRENCHED and use code DRENCHED and get $150 if you win your first $5 lineup! Espolon Tequila: 100% Agave. 0% Ego Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Wow, Wow, Wes. Oh, my God. Sorry that, well, you guys don't notice what the broadcast was delayed. LaMere, this place is what, like 600, 500 square feet? Lamar shit in the bathroom and it stunk up the entire 500 square feet of my office apartment. On a whole other level of stink. Dude, a fruit, you got a fruity booty, bro. It's got that, like, fruit smell.

It's like a fruit smell, bro. You got that fruity booty, but duty. It's stuck the whole. It's just a bathroom. I go up in my office stinks. And I'm like, oh, now the fucking. My lobby studio stinks. The thing was stanking.

Yeah, you know, I got a... You got that kind of sauce, bro. Did he stanking that fruitily? I mean, it's one thing. If it's a savory stink, that's alpha. That's a fruity stink. I just ate bananas and strawberries.

Is that what you've been doing? Banana, strawberries, and watermelon. I thought it was lube. That makes sense of banana, strawberry. You thought it was scented loo? I don't want to say anything. It was flavored loo. I thought it was flavored loom.

Damn, sour apple. I don't want to put that autumn, though. Not that, I think there's anything wrong with that. True, true, sure, sure. It's super angering because you know, like, 8% of it smells good. Yeah. Yeah, you are chasing those notes.

It gets past your first defense mechanism. You're like, damn, I kind of, oh, fuck, that's shit. Oh, that's human waste. It's the ghost of human waste, haunting my whole fucking, my, you know, it's a secret space for me. It's where I get all my work done. But I'm, you did announce. That's the one thing. Fair warning is like, you can't be mad.

Someone gives fair warning. It's like, all right. So. Now it smells like, what is Palo Santo. Yeah, that's my little, my smudgy guy. I put the Palisanto and the smudge in the candle and then the candle burns it up. That kind of got rid of the energy. Yeah, that kind of clearly.

It cleared the energy in the room. Got rid of. It was strong, too. Yeah. Dude, I, uh, yesterday, yesterday, I was actually chastised a little bit. I was, uh, I had posted just a thing. I thought it was cool. I, I was curious like, you know, hard science.

What percentage of women could actually best me in physical combat in the world? What was it? Like 0.001. That's sick. Wow. It's pretty good. And again, I take no pleasure in this information, but it is kind of cool to know four billion people in the world off the rip that I can, don't have to worry about in terms

of physical combat. Right. That's four billion. Then you have children. It's all of them. Up until like 15, I only have to think about any kidding. You might be one of the strongest people in the world. I literally,

that's what I'm trying to say. Out of 8 billion people, I can beat up six billion. And then you throw on the elderly, I can beat up probably six and a half billion people. Nope, I'm a 40-year-old man. I'm at the height of my powers.

So I can beat up a, dude, six billion people in this world. I could just completely decimate. What's the stats on like 24-year-old dudes you could beat up? 100 i i yeah i go 100 100 24 year old dudes 100 even the ones with muscles i see him i'm like try yeah try it you have no idea what i have in also that you're there they're not as ready to die that that's what i'm saying they have no idea it's like you can't even be even if you beat me to a

bloody pulp i'm gonna i'm gonna like rip one of your testicles off i'm gonna mar i'm gonna scar you like a demon from the underwear it's like i'm gonna with all my aggression all my anger that you're 24 and get to do 20 years on top of me so i would easily kill a little bit of gay rage a little bit Yeah, I would just fight dirtier and dirtier as I'm going. They don't have it in you to kill. They don't. They haven't had that thing yet. They're still like, yeah.

They don't really no pain. No, they don't. Not real pain. No. The road is still far, far out ahead of them. You've, at a certain point, you glimpse the abyss. You go, yeah, I can see my end. And it fills you with the bitterest of rage.

And you just wish a 24-year-old would step to you. You wish they would try some. Oh, did I fucking can't wait. I still can't wait for. I still can't wait for my daughter's getting boyfriends. I do. I'm so ready to die in a college apartment. Just fucking fighting an 18.

What's your move when they bring one home? Like cool dude or like? I might I might like cool dude. I'm really let his guard down and then probably ultimately betray him. Yeah, for sure. I always took you as one of those dudes that like your like 14 year old daughter comes in with like a 17 year old. She's like, dad, we're going to watch movies in the basement. You're like, oh, okay.

I'll be up here. What? You remember those dads? I do. I remember going home from like after proms and like being like, hey, and some dude's like eating on the couch and you're like and like your date would be like, oh, me and Tom, we're going to watch a movie in the basement. And he's like, oh, okay.

Even looking back, I'm like, bro, fight me or something. Dude, stop me. I'm about to ejaculate in your finished basement. You spent a hundred grand on it and I'm going to come in it. Like looking back, I'm like, if that was, I don't know, I haven't been to the situation, but looking back, like if my daughter walked in with some dude in like a shitty tie and like a corsage on it. And she's like, we're going to go watch like

Zootopia 2 down there. No, you're not. You're going to sit right next to me. Yeah. And we're going to watch a movie I pick. Yeah, we're all hanging out together. Or you can split. But like, it's not what we're doing. You have to know. No one's more demented about cracking one off than a dude coming back from a formal dance. You've been grinding for like six hours.

I remember one of my problems. I was sick and I didn't get the crack one off. I cried. I feel cried. I like cried and whimpered in front of my day. I never understood that. Like how those dudes are just like, yeah, go down my basement of my house that I work so hard for with my daughter. Well, they're outside of the $6.5 billion. Six, five billion. What?

Men that Matt can beat up. We said they're part of the, they're part of the unfortunate her. Oh, yeah, they're, yeah, they're, yeah, they're, yeah. They're purely subbed, purely subs. That's, I don't even get into that. Get into it, dude. That's a deep level of sub. Oh, yeah.

You just sub out to your daughter's boyfriend. Like some 17-year-old You're like, oh, I don't want to start to shit with this guy. Just go belly up on a teenager. Go ahead, buddy. I just never understood. I'm like, dude, how did you not kick me out of your fucking house?

I would just be like, they're just up here, guys. How about you know? Dude, finish basements are, you're pretty much setting up fucking like, it's like you have a loud ass door, a staircase, and then like a wrap around couch in the basement

that you're allowed to put the lights on because the movie's on. I mean, it's just enough time to get your dick bag in your pants. It's like literally the point of them. Yeah. How about you go home now? Yeah. The dance is over.

Now you're, it's too late for a movie. Don't you have to work in the morning, sir? Let's just all talk. Yeah. Let's hang out. Yeah. True.

I go back and forth, but I'm also like, I think it's weird when like parents will have like their 22 year old daughter come to the beach house and like not let her sleep in a room with her boyfriend. That I'd kind of be like, yeah, you guys just go get your room. Yeah.

Like if they're in college and shit, I understand that a little more. Yeah. If he started cracking, I'd happen with the doorbed. If it's cracking, like, you know, you gotta get out. You had the fuck out of my house. Yeah, I mean, also, too, he's gonna sneak down anyway. Yeah, if you've separated, it's gonna be so much spicy.

I've done the split thing before, and it's like, you get a little Romeo and Juliet action. You had to, like, slip through the corridors. And there's none hotter. So I would probably just be like, yo, bro, you can sleep in there, but don't be cracking in my beach. Out of respect. Was if a dad said that to me, I would be like, I wouldn't crack. I wouldn't be able to, like, I wouldn't feel that spicy. Yeah. But I was like, I talked to your dad like man to man and we like smoked a cigar and he asked me not to crack down here. So like, I'm not going to do it. My dad, your dad, petition for mutual mass. That's it.

Did you ever have a dad get tough with you? Not really to be. One one time I came in and it was this is purely my bad. I had gotten my hands on my plug had gotten some orange crush. Yeah. Really nice notes. And I had gotten blazed on Orange Crush at a Slaziana basketball game. And my day came back super fucking blazed. And her dad instantly like, you're high. And I was like, uh, he's like, what the fuck were you got? And he just spas. And I was just like, I was rising up. And I was just like, I'm hitting the Ford Explorer.

I'm out of here. And you just split and left her stone with her dad. That's her house. I finished my job. I dropped her off. Like leave her to the middle of the street. Yeah. I left there.

I like took a little bit of the brunt. I was like, sir, I really apologize. Was he tough? He was just pissed. He was just like, bro, what the fuck? Was he 420 friendly or like completely against? Dude, I thought he was kind of 420 friendly. So I, that was my bad.

You should have shown him the nug. She probably didn't know his orange crush. Yeah, I was showing him a nug. You probably thought it was some weak-ass B.C. bullshit. Yeah, but dude, crack a nug. True. Like, yeah, not bad. I mean, dude, it was on her.

It was like, for real the first time I had like, it really smelled like Lamerer's booty. The we were smelled. It was a fruity. It was a fruity. It's got turpines in there. But yeah, it was orange crush. You had orange hairs.

And I was just, I was geeked on an orange crush blunt and a hotbox of Fort Explorer. And I didn't realize how high we were until I saw her dad. And I was like, oh, her dad's in slow motion. Okay. And he was just like, and I was like, oh, fuck, we fucked up, babe.

I only had one dad. I remember I took a girl to a dance and I had like, we like went outside and I had this old car. I'd borrowed off dad. And he was like, yo, pop the hood. Let me see what's under it. And then when we popped the hober on the other side, he was like, I will literally fucking kill you from my daughter.

Whoa. I was just like, okay. I closed the hood and I was like, let's go to the dance. But I was like, did that work on you? 100%. Yeah. He was dead because he was like, hey, man, watch a nice car. Pop the hood, bud.

He's like, what's got under the engine? I was like, I don't know. I didn't know. Yeah. So he had me on that too. Yeah. I was like, uh, six 50, uh, horsepower. He said, yeah, pop the hood kid.

And he popped in. I was just like, bro, I don't know what your deal is. I don't know if you guys are his friends. daughter, I'll kill you. That's awesome. I was like, okay, bro. I think that's a fair. That's a fair one. It was fair. And he closed the hood and was like, that thing's nice. Tom, come on back in. Like the wife and daughter were right there. And I was just like, Jesus Christ. You got to eat at dinner now. And we had to like go to a dance. I was just like, yeah, you're cool. Like, quick grinding on me, babe. Yeah. I'm not trying to catch a heat off your dad.

No, that's, that would have been. But then I stopped kind of hanging out with her too. See, that's kind of tough. So he kind of lost because me and it could have been a thing. Yeah, true. It's a, it's a, yeah, he kind of fucked up. I was also like so bitched about it that like if I had been a true bad dude, I probably would have stepped on the gas. Like got her pregnant. Then like, fuck her bad. Yeah, what are you going to do?

True. No, it's a delicate bounce. I never really, I never really bumped heads. I never really bumped heads with dads very much. I would, every now and again, I would get like roasted. They'd be like, oh, okay, but like, you know, that shit. But now, sometimes, too. I, I really.

A good amount of time was in, like, pure mom houses. And I remember loving mom house energy. Well, you would fuck with chicks with just moms? A couple times. That's kind of. I remember just being like, this is nice. That big, strong, terrifying guys out of the equation, this is decent. Yeah.

That guy sucks. Nothing best. I was a big man in the house head. So you would slide in and become, like, the new daddy? I kind of was daddy. I would come in. It's kind of sick. I was a big man in the house head.

I'd be very much like, oh, yeah. It's like multi-level kink. I mean, I didn't even know. It's like you're dating the woman, but then you're also like kinking the whole web. I didn't know what I was even doing. It was just, it was instinctual.

Damn. Yeah, I just, you know, just lust for domination. Is that what you do? Yeah, how about you?

No, man. You didn't sleep, dude, that's crazy. Dylan didn't sleep all night. Dylan, welcome to the motherfucking podcast. Have we started the podcast?

Yeah, we've been talking. Yeah, we were just, we were just, I just met me and Matt have to catch up on like high school room. No.

I feel like I learned a lot about you guys' dynamic in the past seven minutes. I was like, wow, that's wild. Yeah, dude, I was, uh, wrote the mothership last night. I was going to ask you too. I need you, I need you to tone it down out there. The laughter was coming through the wall and I was like,

try some new shit, dude. You don't have to, you don't have to do. You're trying to. Well, I didn't know if you wanted it, you know. No, I'm kidding around. You go mad or not. Did you kill it last night? He killed it, bro.

They were super fun. Great audience, man. Yes or no. Don't be humble. Did you kill it? Kill, he always slays. He's like, I've never been there. It's fucking awesome, dude.

I haven't gone. On principle? I'm not, on principle. Security's too tight for me. Security's too tight. Security's too tight. It's just, and me and Rogan are still kind of at us.

You guys are beefing. You're mad he didn't get the shot. What's that? You're still mad he didn't get the shot. I'm on Neil Young side still. This episode is brought to you by prize picks. Football is heating up and prize picks has your picks covered. With injury reboot, if a player in your lineup gets injured in the first half and doesn't return,

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lineup that's code drenched to get a $150 instantly in lineups if you win your first $5 lineup prize picks run your game. Dude there was a lesbian bar pretty recently I think months ago that was still in Boston? No not here but it was I forget it was but it was requiring

the KN and 95 or whatever It's like Boston somewhere It was it was in Boston. Yeah and they Was it like a theme thing? It was like a theme bar? Well lesbian yeah They were doing it like this rules? No It was just like they never, no one could ever stop it.

Because like the late, it was these three ladies who were pretty young. They were 25, 26. They somehow got the money to start a bar and Boston. And they just never dropped the mask mandate. No. And they never, and they couldn't. The two partners, they all started, the three of them started. They put like pretty much all their money into it, or at least the one lady did.

Her two partners dipped and were like, yeah, we don't want to do this anymore. So this young, like 25 or six year old lady is stuck running and funding a lesbian bar that's struggling very hard. Was she a lesbian? that's unclear. That'd be wild to invest in a lesbian bar and the lesbians drop out and then you have to run a lesbian bar

as a non-lesbian. I could do it. I fuck with lesbians heavily on like a friendly dynamic level. You do actually. I actually learned the other night picking up a lamp on Facebook Marketplace that the Austin lesbian scene is beat. I don't know.

I picked up a lamp, right? Yeah. And we just got, as we do, like down here, everyone chats. I've been on nothing of Facebook Marketplace missions all week because I just moved here. Sure. So I'm like, hey, you know, nice lamp.

And she's like, all right, bro, you know. She kept saying period. She's like, period. No. I guess it's like young kids slang. It's like emphasizing the point. Yeah. And then.

What was she period in you on? Oh, what was she? Oh, that's a nice land. Period. What? That's crazy. Or no, I was like, it'll fit in this little car. And she's like, oh, I can't remember.

She's like, three times. Just so you know, if you fuck my daughter, I'll kill you. So she was like, we got to talk. I was like, I just moved here from Philly. She's like, oh, fuck yeah, I'm about to move to New York. I'm like, why the fuck are you moving to New York? She's like, because I'm a lesbian. I was like, you give you a lesbian in Austin.

She's like, yeah, but the scene's fucking beat. She's like, gay men scene is popping. Lesbian scenes dead. And I was just like, yeah, that's good to know. Yeah, it's good to know. Just case I have laid any of the homies down. I'm like, I don't want to have expectations. The squad, dude, the squad is all masked bosses.

It would be nice. Yeah, she says, just beat. There's just no action. I never thought about that. I'd never, like, once a look, I never, in my research of moving down here, I never checked out the lesbian scenes. It's nice to know the gay scenes popping here.

She said the gay scene's popping. Really? Yeah. It's crazy. They don't really happen. Almost to the point where it's like too much for the lesbians, because it's like,

and the lesbians are always been jealous of the gays. That's an inner dynamic. And no one wants to talk about it. From what I've heard, from what I've heard from speaking to some members of the community, lesbians got a pass earlier than gay men. I just isn't, I don't know, I wasn't there.

Sure. But like, they weren't as, um, because like, you were accepted as a lesbian by the male community. Because, like, if you were, like, out working on your bike and, like, your lesbian neighbor show up was like, nice bike, you were down. Yeah. And if you kissed in public, everyone would cheer. I think gay dudes had a much longer road. True. True.

They had a much muddier trail to track. True. It was kind of like. they had some resentment towards lesbians where... That makes sense. It was misdirected. Yeah. You think it was misdirected?

I mean, it wasn't the gay dude stopping them from being lesbians. Wait, what? They got mad or... Who got mad at who first? I'm getting homosexually confused. The lesbians were catching flack from the gay men because they had had it easy.

Also... Almost like a lesbian privilege thing. Yeah, okay. That's fair. So... Also, I do appreciate gay men's ruthless towards women. Yeah. That's something I kind of actually enjoy.

Like there's no, there's the chivalry is, there's no chivalry. It's purely like, here's what I, we did a show one time in a gay bar in Philly. And these, there was girl comedians and these gay guys

were ruthlessly, ruthlessly fucking just hounding them. Like, you're boring. You're boring, sweetie. And I was just like, oh, I was in the back like,

yo. I think that personally just is the side effect of not wanting to have sex with them. you'd be like fuck off you're like shut up true to the break from their spell would be it's like i like if i like yesterday another facebook marketplace mission i was met with like two stunning cuban women and i was just like mind blown so lesbians not lesbians very headway wow but um i don't even know where i was going with that i just saw three hotbedish legs it was kind of funny my whole family in the truck because we had to go pick it up with the pickup. And like they came out

and Dana was just like looked at me. It's like two like fitfluencer Cuban women speaking Spanish. I'll get out. She's like, are you just going to go up there and get the table out of their apartment? And I was like, yes. Yeah. That's what we'll do? Then on the way I fully decided. I'm like, I've been married 10 years, but this, what's going to happen is going to happen right now. And we got in the apartment. I was like, wait, this is a one track. Yeah, yeah. Porn mind. Yeah. None of this is happening at the time. Like, yeah. They can't. The double blow job's not happening. The double blow job's not having it.

But I made the decision on the way up where I was like, it is what it is. Sorry, family. And they just kind of like stare at me like, do you want the table or not? Yeah. They coached you with that Facebook marketplace post. Yeah, they're just like, do you want it? Like, get the fuck out of here. I was like trying to lift it by myself without their help.

Yeah, obviously. Obviously. Our husbands would eat you for breakfast. Did you, did you carry it down all by yourself? I ended up having to take it apart. Sure, bitch move. No, that's actually kind of, you showed technical brows. I was like, they were like little tiny screws.

They were just like, like a little Christmas elf. But you maximize it. I dropped it. I went back out. I was like, I'm married, babe. Sorry. Damn, that's just how long we were in their apartment for? Like 20 minutes.

I'd like disassemble the whole thing. Lucky. So it was sick. Yeah. Did it smell good too in there? The table still smells good. I told Dan, like this still smells like beautiful Cuban women. Dude, that's awesome.

Facebook marketplace fucking rules. I don't know why anyone, I think stores should just close at this point. Yeah. You get the sickest shit on it. You really do, man. Your other option is like Wayfair. It's like, dude, let's just start trading all the shit we have for like a decade.

And then we'll start making it. With like expensive furniture, you can take a picture of it and you'll get the exact replica offline for a fraction of the price. Oh, yeah. And it's like, can you really tell? I doubt it. Expensive furniture on Facebook marketplace is worth like a, a tenth of what they paid for it.

Yeah, dudes will be like paid 12 grand for this two years ago. A hundred bucks. You're like, how about 50? All right. Yeah, here. Take it, actually. If you could take it, that'd be great. I got a microwave last week for 40 bucks.

Some old guy named Ed. He came out in a walker and he had like prop the microwave in the walker. Yeah. Not even out of the box. Had to go to the hood. He was like this old guy and it's just a terrible fucking apartment complex. And he, where's the hood in Austin? It's just small pockets.

Yeah. Ah, so there's no like... It's like East was like... That's technically... East Austin's technically the hood. This area was technically the hood back in the day. Hood here just doesn't slap like it does. It doesn't slap.

The hood does not slap. It just doesn't through. I don't want to try to disrespect anyone. I mean, there might be some bad hombres in... Yeah. Austin. I don't see it. The hood doesn't slap, dude.

It doesn't, man. Like, I'm afraid I'd get confused and be like, hey, man, like... Yeah. Are you robbing me, bro? Yeah. Like, what are we do? doing here. I don't see it. I mean, maybe

I'm underestimating. No, hit H-Town. If you want to really hit the cut, hit H-Town. That's what my one-huber driver said, go to San Antonio or H-Town if you really want to get back in the hood. Yeah, Fort Worth. Fort Worth. Hood? Come on, bro. I don't, I never fucked. Fort Worth, dude, yeah. Fort Worth. That's what, yeah. A lot of gangbangers

came from L.A. and put Fort Worth down. Really? Yeah. Yeah. What about San Antonio? Hell yeah, bro. Mexicans run the yard here. In Austin. I mean, again, the hood's not really popping like that. I might get it. I might get it popping. I don't want to, I'm no disrespect anyway.

Yeah, you don't want to. You got to hit Flugerville. That's where to. Where it is? Flugerville. Yeah, North. You go up nasty north too. Oh, damn.

Shit's popping up north. We went to some other place yesterday. It was like houses overlooking a lake. It was insane. Oh, yeah. Like Terrytown or like. That's where all the politicians and shit live. Is it?

Matthew McConnor. He lives there allegedly. Why are you saying? I got nothing against McCona. I'm just girl cast and trying to get traction. True. Shuttle streaming. I hate Matthew McCona.

Now I got nothing against him. I mean, if I was him, I'd feel a little weird at you coming here. Why is that? You kind of, I mean. I am trying to out. You are kind of his vibe. You know what I'm saying? Like the vibe he's portraying, you're kind of the real deal.

No disrespect to McConaughey, but you are. Yeah, I don't know. I haven't met him. I saw a little of his spoken word. He's kind of trying to be. It's kind of weird. I saw a little of his spoken word didn't really resonate.

But that's him. That's also pussy overdose. That's true. You can't fault a man for a pussy overdose. What's his like, what's his backlog? He's got his wife. He's got like a hot Brazilian wife.

Does he have like a. Backlog's probably like an orgiastic. He doesn't have like a string of like beautiful celebrity like exes. He definitely does. Probably didn't even make it to X category. He was probably just dropping. Oh, damn. He was probably piping and just been like, oh, man, all shucks, babe.

I gotta get on a sit. Is he a pure Texan? Yeah. I'm trying to go pure Texan. He's from like the border. He's from like south, south Texas. As far as I, yeah. Have you ever met him?

No, I never met him. I'm like, go knock up on him. Knock up. I just met him like a month ago. Did you? Yeah. Can you speak on it? Can you speak on his name?

He was, he was chill. He was intense. You know, he was very Matthew McConaughey. Yeah. There was this time. he was we were in a scene together in a car and we all walked we're humble bragg back you're you're active i know you're active with him uh this is my first thing and uh so i was in a car with him and Woody harrison and like three other guys and he's like all right

come on guys let's go and he did like a little meeting and i just like wasn't fast enough to get around and he shook everyone else's hand but by the time i got to the group he was already he did you no he didn't diss me on purpose I was just slow. It might start. Yeah. So you came around like, yeah, for the shake. Yeah, yeah.

It came around for the shake. But he was our, he probably saw a green light as one right there. I didn't want to interrupt. You know, he had already started the speech. Oh, he, shake, shake. He was acting with you and gave you guys like a pre-speech. Yeah.

He like, we all had our like scripts. And he's like, he's going over it with Woody in this big circle. And I have Woody too, NBD. Yeah, yeah. It was very cool. He was a nice guy. And what were you doing? You were in the movie or show? Yeah. You can't talk about it. If you can't, if it's no, it's out. What was your role? What role did you? I was a Uber driver. Oh, damn. Yeah. Yeah. I audition for that show. I didn't get it. I don't have beef with the con. I swear you got on. Or here. Wait, so the show's out. Yeah. It's your first acting credit. Yeah. Damn, bro. He's a humble bro. He's a humble bro. Yeah. It was fun, dude. Didn't get to shake his hand, but maybe one day. One day. Yeah, but you got to act alongside. Yeah.

Also, that's a deep method as an Uber driver not to... Yeah, not to touch. Or immediately hand sanitized. Right. You know, I fuck with is the Cuban Uber drivers down here. Yeah, they're... Dudes are chill.

Right now, I'm three for three, all Cubans. Really? One dude gave me his number today. What? Because he was like, yeah, I'm actually your neighbor. Just call me next time you need a ride. Yo. I was like, bro, I definitely will.

That's kind of the move. It was sick. He was like, this is my car. I'll drive you wherever you want to go. I'm your neighbor. I live two minutes up the street from you. That's fucking sick. Fuck yeah, dude.

You are thick with Poppy right now. I am rolling thick with Poppy. Dude, it's sick. I'm trying to switch my inner monologue. To what? It's like my whole neighborhood speak Spanish. Right.

So like when I walk at night, I try to think in Spanish the whole time. That's fucking sick. But my problem is like once I get into that mindset, I go like, like strict, misogynistic abuelo immediately. I'm on me like quick like.

But smacks, like no shirt. Just, I got to start wrenching on my car. You do. You got to get on the hood. You'll pop that hood. I also get caught like fake Spanish. So I'll be like, oh, la, comeostas? Like, we get in the Uber.

Then he starts ripping and I'm just like, yeah, let me bail on this. And they look and me like, oh, fuck, you don't speak. Yeah. They thought I was down for a second. I know. I do the same thing. I'll hit like a nice greeting.

And then they'll be like, I'm like, yeah, slow down. You're like, oh, yeah, not too much. Slow down. Then he showed me a pick of his wife. And I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to offend him. I was just like,

oh, that's a good picture. What was he? Like, 10 out of 10. Really? I didn't want to be like, bro,

that's insane. Like, yeah, she's hot as far. 10 out of 10. He's like, she's 24. I'm 34.

I was just like, stop bien. Stop bien. You didn't think to be, yeah, you didn't want to be like, bro. Moe Bonita.

Boy, like keep going. Like, yeah. I just was like, oh, yeah, stop being,

Blamed photo. I've had someone hit you with like, daughter picks where you're like, bro, why, why are you doing this? So it's my one daughter and I was like, yo, bro, she's in a bathing suit, dude. Like, how old, like 21? Yeah, like college age.

And I was just like, yeah, that's not appropriate. Yo, bro. Who did you marry her off? I'm already married. Sister wife, though. I keep telling Brittany, I'm getting a sister wife. Old, older than, I'm going to go old.

Old sister wife. Yeah. She wants me get a vasectomy. She wants me get a vasectomy. I'm like, never, I'm not going to do it. She's really been gilding me into getting a vasectomy. And I'm like, let's just, I'll just go.

fucking, you know, celibate. Just toy out and go sell it. That's what I was saying. I was like, I'll just wear a strap. Just go it. Dude, I have no problem.

I have no problem. Just putting it on like, you know what it feels like you have three kids. I have three kids. I know the whole point. I have a strap. You should get a room, dude.

What do you mean? Like a 50 Shades room. Oh, like a dungeon. Like neon lights with your name on it. Just like content room. Dude, for real. Toy out.

I'll just toy out. I'll just tell her. I'll go sell a bit. And if you ever need, I'll just strap up. Or hold it down like body otis. Like how? Remember body out just had like,

do you watch the old Spartacus? Yeah. There was just dudes. I'll be your body slave. I'd be your body slave. I'd be your body slaves. Yeah. They just call me up.

Pay them so it's not fucked up. What do you say? Just pay them. Oh no. I'm not getting a jiggilow. You're talking about ditty out? No, like a more respectable manner.

It's my fucking wife, dude. It is your wife. But it's, I would have more respect to that than if you went and... If I wore a strap. If you got vasectomized. I'm not going to be sectedized. It's the scariest thing I can think of.

Dude, I know somebody, one of my friends, he was like, yo, I still, I don't think the anesthesia is you're awake the whole time. And they, they supposed to numb me. I know. They didn't fully numb the area. And he was like, yo, dude, I can still. And they're like, no, it's any, and he goes, dude, I just saw lights. I've heard dude tell me you can like smell it and shit. Oh, dude.

I just couldn't do it. I would go sell it before I would do it. That's what I'm saying. I'm like, bro, let's just like, we've, we had a fucking solid run. Strict pee play for the right. rest of my life. Solid run. I'll just go,

I'll go on nocturnals. I'll just go full nocturnals. You just let me know. I'll, we'll hang on a nice little, wall display of like various straps. If some dude was like, yo,

me and my wife don't have any more kids. I've gone strict pee play. I'd be like, that's cool. If he was like, I got to have a second, I'm like, oh, bro,

why'd you do that? Everyone's getting them, man. I, I'm just scared. First of all, I just don't want to do it. I don't want to,

like, terrifies me. Yeah, man. And also they say like, there's no complications. How? How can you sever literally the life force inside your body?

I don't know. One of those things, I don't like to speak on it because a lot of dudes have done it. True. I don't want to. True. It terrifies me.

No, that's fair. It's like phase two circumcision. Yeah. If women had their way, they would just cut your whole dick off. Even like with circumcision, it's like, supposedly like after your circumcision,

you have no idea, like what you're missing out of them. I know, that's the fucking thing. Are you searched? Yes. Okay. Yeah, to think about it. Yeah. I didn't.

I haven't thought about my cock in a while. I spent all day thinking about mine. I know. Sometimes I pay and I just grieve it. And I'm like, who did this to me? Yeah. Someone's stupid. Because someone that I have a friend that's unscised.

Do you guys grow up Catholic? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. So I had a friend that is unc circumcumcumcised. and he said that when circumcised dudes busted nut, they're just feeling for a split second what it's like to be uncircised. And then uncircumcised dudes

start at that ceiling and go up. Man. Yeah. I mean, there was apparently... I don't know how he knows that. There was early guys in the church that were like way against Judaizing Gentiles. They were like, bro, you don't need a judiize

which is like to circumcise. There's people who were trying to stop it like way back in like 180. Supposedly the Kellogg's dude was a big opponent of it. The guy that invented, like, Kellogg's cornflakes. Yeah, he was not about fat. He was not into jerking off at all. At all. He was vehemently opposed to masturbating. That's the whole idea with cornflakes was like, you got to get like a very just low key, easy breakfast. Apparently it's supposed to help you not jerk off. Yeah, if you ate like a bland

mush breakfast. I could see that. I was making up being a bowl of corn flakes. I'd just be like, fuck. Yeah, true. Fuck this. I was like, like, you want to smash it. No. Fucking corn flakes. Yeah. It's the shittiest cereal in the world. Cornflakes. Cornflakes fucking blow. This episode is brought to you by Espolone tequila. 100% agave, 0% ego. That's a pretty good attitude for tequila to have. This stuff's balanced, delicious,

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America, New York, New York, drink responsibly. Guys, please, please come. This very weekend, I'll be in Charlotte, North Carolina. This is a huge show. Jacksonville, Florida. Jacksonville's on the verge of selling out, not bragging. It's just what's happening. Charlotte, very much not selling out.

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Matt McCusker.com. Tickets. Please. The floor is yours. You can keep up with me on Instagram. Instagram is at Dylan Ray Soul, B-Y-L-R-A-Y-S-U-L. Thanks.

Nice. What's your go-to cereal? Man, cinnamon toast crunch. I like a cinnamon toast guy. To this day. Yeah, well, as I've grown up, it's been more like honey bunches of oats with almonds. Nice.

You know. Healthy choice. Yeah. Yeah. Slightly though. Slightly. Yeah, it's actually terrible. Still pretty sugar-lating.

Yeah, honey bunches is still pretty sugar-lating. I'm all about that fiber right now. Are you doing like fiber one or something? Not even, I'm trying to get it through like fruit and stuff. I'll still take the powder every now and again. Yeah. Yeah.

If I'm not ripping like a 10-inch or every day. You ever do a celium huck? You ever do like a celium husk? Yeah. I've fucked the celium husk. Yeah, that'll do it. Actually, I just call it asylum thing. Thank you for, thank God I didn't say that.

Yeah, I've done that, done celium husk, all that stuff. But yeah, I'd eat it, man. That's my big thing. Just protein fiber. Protein fiber. Well, what's your cereal now? Like if you... I don't really eat cereal.

I don't like if you could, you know. I'll finish my kids. That's it. Whatever they have, I'll rip it. I'll rip the rest of their cereal. Right. No matter what. If cereal is so fucking delicious.

It's so good. If I have it in my house, I'll eat it at any hour. Yeah, I'll eat the whole fucking box. It's two delicious for them. You guys like Reese's puffs? they're incredible but I won't keep it in my house yeah I can't eat the whole fucking thing yeah or I'd put my kids onto it

and then they would be like oh this is what breakfast is right no hope it's hard to get them all yeah I'll give my kids we hit them with the honeynut Cheerios every now and again and they just start demanding it every day I'll tell you something my parents never said no to my serial choices and now look dude that is a fork in young life I have friends with the super like green light to whatever cereal they wanted yeah

surprised you're not you know whacked out on drugs I probably am you haven't slept all night I haven't slept. You guys don't know me at all. A little party and play. You took a party and play right into the podcast. Yeah, that's right. I'm with that.

That's right. Now, that's sugary cereal, man. That early on just like count chocula, Reesey puffs, Flintstone, fruity pebbles. That was like, as far as I can tell, the biggest predictor to like opioid crisis. Yeah. Yeah.

What's the P&P scene in Austin? The P. Oh, man. I don't know. but I'm sure I'll find out sometime of the day. You stay up another couple nights. We'll just naturally end upon it. Yeah, I'll find my way.

Sure, there's a bridge. I'm good to know. I was worried the gay scene was lacking down here. It's popping, dude. That's good. What I heard, according to one lesbian that sold a lamp. I don't know if she was skewed. Like, I don't know if she was like grass is always greener type shit.

I don't know. The Oracle. It was really funny because we talked for like 20 seconds and like that it went right to like talking about there. between the gay and the lesbian scene. Lesbian scene. Lesbian scene is tapped. I told her hit West Philly.

Talking shit. I was like, bro, skip New York, go right to West Philly. Yeah, the lesbian scene. It's on it.

It's truly popping in West Philly. Is it? Yeah. Oh, yeah, dude. It's strong. I imagine it's more like rough and tumble.

I don't know Philly. A whole spectrum. Yeah. Really. It's a beautiful scene. Tom was deeply invented. I was there. I was,

I was fucking heavy with it. Yeah, I was fucking heavy with it. Damn. heavy in the lesbian community. I think the lesbian scene might just be beat everywhere. It's popping there. Bro, going back to the thing in Boston,

that lady struggling financially or not making any money because nobody wants to... It's just like a virtue single. No one really wants to sit in a bar. It's impossible to wear a mask in a bar in the first place. You have to lift it, take your drink, put it back down. She was like, all right, tonight, we're lifting the thing.

You've got to get some people in here. And her Facebook pages, they were calling it a, like a disabled genocide. She's like, they were like, you're genociding the immunocompromise. You can't start throwing that word around like that. No, that's a tough one. Yeah, it's pretty tough. But they were like, they were spazzing on her because apparently the party kicked off.

It actually popped up. Lesbian scene in Boston actually might be kind of lit. It might be back. The party popped off, but the people were pissed. It might be beat just because like gays and lesbians might have beat adult scenes because like all adult scenes crumble. True. So it's like if you're in like an adult punk scene, it's fucking terrifying.

Yeah, true. You're like 40 and you're like wearing your old T's and you're like, yeah, we're still punk. Never sold out. Never sold out. My vanguard's kick in. So like I never got into punk. So it might just be beat by default. What's your views on the punk scene or punk ethos in general?

Man, I think it's dying. But I hope there, I feel like every generation has its own little punk scene. But they may not call it punk. What is punk though? Are you a Colorado punker? I was kind of like an emo weird kid and went to like Zoomies and fucking weird. I would wear like, you know, like, a... You were like a good Charlotte.

Like, yeah, exactly. Hell, yeah. Dude, like, I was so in a good charl. Remember that guy that used to have, like, have the things going down? I tried to do that myself, but my... Oh, so you were like a guyliner head for a bit. Well, that's the thing, dude, is my mom wouldn't give me your eyeliner, so I had to do it with a Sharpie by myself.

And I didn't have a mirror, so I just guessed it. And they were just like... They were fucked up. Ski slopes coming out of my eyes, too. But then I also play sports, so I'd have, like, you know, like a hot top of a good Charlotte shirt and then like Jim shorts. Weird, weird kid.

That's a anomaly. That's suburbia. That's classic suburbia. Were you suburbia or are you more rural Colorado? Suburbia. Okay. That's kind of quintessential suburbia. Good Charlotte T.

Jim shorts. Yeah. Jim shorts. Yeah. What sports do you play? I played football, lacrosse, wrestling. Kind of did it all.

You're an athlete. Damn, dude. I am surprisingly agile. No one wouldn't know. But you're surprised. Le Maire is always harping on his own agility, speed. Yeah. Have you ever hooped with Lamar or done any sports?

No, we haven't played sports together. When did you get into comedy? Fucking, I moved to Chicago right after Colorado, and I saw some shows there, and I was like, oh, I'll do it. So I did it like a mic every six, eight months, sort of thing. And then I was doing some internships in L.A. and then I met Polly Shore, and he hired me on us as assistant.

And I wasn't, I just needed a job. I didn't know as him or anything. Bro, I'm mind-blown. Now you're just casually dropped you know the wheeze. Yeah, I'm sorry.

Jesus Christ. Sorry, Matthew. Matt didn't tell me, Matt was like, oh, I got this guy's gonna come on this. He didn't tell me you're like a reputable actor. I wanted to meet him.

We didn't really vibe this. Friend of the whiz. Yeah. Friend of the wheeze. How's the wheeze in real life? Man, I do have legit beef with the whiz, but we'll get to that.

Really? No shit. He dissed me in like, oh, one. Oh, yeah, I forgot. Bro, I went to, what's the famous comedy club in New York? Seller. The other one. Caroline's, maybe?

Caroline, I closed. Caroline. So I went from Philadelphia with my girlfriend at the time to Carolines to see the wheeze. Wow. Right? We saw his comedy. It was 2000 or 2001. His peak is his peak?

No, this was like, after bio. I don't want to speak on his peak. I think he's still peaking. Biodome. Biodome. No, dude. Biodome. I fucking.

Polly shore is. dead was a fantastic film. Also Biodome ruled. I fucking... Sunning Law fucking ruled. True. Jury duty was all right. In the Army now is kind of mid. It was more of like it came out at the time. It was funny at the time. It was a cash grab. Cash grab.

So I went all the way up to see him. And then afterwards we were like walking to like somewhere afterwards. And I saw him on the street and I was like, oh shit, Paula, I just saw your stand up. And he's like, okay, man. I kept walking. In front of bay. In front of my babe. She was just kind of like.

He's got to answer to that. just fucking distilled. Well, he's in town a lot now, so you're going to get retribution. I'll catch up with him, bro. Yeah. I'll bet Paul, what's up, bro? Hey, I'll bring my wife. I'll say, say hi to my wife, wheeze. I actually never being all cool with me like, yo, it's Paulie, let me say what's up to him. She was like, don't bother him. And I, like, went and bother him. Then he was like, fuck off.

Man. And she was kind of like, it was kind of cringy for everyone except me. I was just like disappointed in myself. Like, now you got to show up. And he's going to be like, hey, and then you go. He won't say. He doesn't know, you know. He's probably still destined to me.

Man, I got to get my confidence up, right? I got to start hanging out with you more. True. I'll make the intro happen. And then we'll savages. Are you still boys with them? I see him. Oh, yeah.

You're like, you're like, I don't want to have these with them. I want to like catch back up where we left off. No, man. I'm like, dude, Caroline's November of 2000.

You fucking crushed. Yeah, I think it's an eye for an eye kind of thing. I was also probably hammered. Yeah. So like, looking back, maybe this is more. Yeah. Yeah.

I wonder what the real thing was. Hey, please. Yeah. Yeah. He felt like, now that I talk it out, I think I was in the wrong. He's like, taking care of his mom. Yeah.

I think I started and squashed the beef. He's actually walking with a babe. Oh, okay. Right on. No shade of his mom. Yeah. Yeah. A young babe.

It definitely was his mother. Dang. Yeah, I've met him before. He's got like Jim Morrison kind of in. He's got lizard. King energy. It kind of does, still to this day.

Yeah, he's still the we sell. He's pretty like Jim Morrison or like Val Kilmer as Jim Morrison. He's just he's a slippery guy. You can tell he's very, I like to see the way he fucking works. Damn. Oh man.

How I got the job, I went in and when you go in, he stacks it so someone is interviewing for the job in front of you. And then he comes up to me and he sees me and he's like, hey, you want some carrots? And he puts a handful of wet carrots. on the table. No like plate. Any season? Do you eat them or not? I,

I did eat them. Yeah. Baby carrots are like full dirty, knobby ones. Baby carrots, but it's just a fistful of baby carrots. No dip. No, no dip. Just raw baby carrots. So all this to say, man, if you're going to try to get retribution, you're going to have to think out of the box. He's five D chessing. Yeah, man. If you see the carrots come out, you're fuck. Did he explain how the selection process worked or he was just like, you got it. Yeah, well, he was like, yeah, you know, we're going to see. It's always like, oh, we'll see what happens.

What were you applying to be? I just need, I ran out of money. So I was just, I just applied for a random assistant job. It didn't say who he was or anything. Oh, fuck it turned out to be the wheeze. Yeah, it turned out to be the whee's. What was his other aspiring, the interviewee saying when he sees the wheeze drop the carers before you? Because I, if I'm interviewed, I'm going to turn around and be like, bro, I thought

we were doing. It was a typing test. So he was all trying to... He was getting his guant. It was gross. He was going to... Exactly. I've got my Guam checked in a minute. Yeah, my Gwom's trashed now. Yeah. Yeah. But, yeah, crazy time. We dropped the carrots. You eat the carrots. Next to you know, your heart. Like, what was the... Yeah, I did a little typing test. He said, hey, man, you're too slow. You're slow, man. And then I was like, I can get faster, you know? Like, yeah, I was like... So how did he announce that? Was it just you and him? Or was it like, you were going through a band?

of like his other associates. No, it was like me and he had this office at the top of the comedy store. And it was just him, some guy. And then he would always have like an assistant. But you never knew who it was. It was like a network of assistance. And this would have been 2016. 16 years.

16 years after the fatal incident. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. That's fucking nuts. Serendipitous. True. And you've got the job.

And then I got the job. Did you leave on good terms? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, we're still pretty chill. But there's just times where you'd be like, hey, like, drive me to Santa Monica. And I had this car, this Honda Civic. And I could see through mine.

Oh. I had to go pick them up in my car. And there was like, I could see the street. Yeah. You know. We catch a fumes. Yeah. I used to have why I'd keep the windows down because you'd get buzzed.

Man. Yeah. You get a buzz on that from L.A. to Santa of Monica. It's just fucking crazy. So would you just like chill with them around the clock or like it was like nine to five? Yeah. It was it was like we would hang out and sometimes I do stuff.

Sometimes I went to some dinner with like some, the CEO of like Playboy and I was just like I didn't know anything going on. So I was like, wow, this is crazy. But then he'd be like, all right, well go get me like napkins. You know, that's what I was. So he would still kind of like boss you. Yeah, yeah. But he taught me a lot.

Like he would. I would go on tour. He wouldn't let me... No, I haven't seen... It's a good movie. Is that the one with... Oh, that one guy? Yeah, yeah.

And then by the end, she's like wearing like girdles and like shackles and stuff. Polly Shore, that game of cat and mouse. Yeah, man. It was real cool, though. I like to hear he's a very subtle operator. He is. Wait, so what was his like...

What was his business in 2016? He was just still... He was like writing stuff. Iodem DVDs and shit. Man, you got to settle this beef, man. I can't be the middle manager. That was kind of a P. Yeah, it was a big.

Although, dude, I will say completely unironically, I, biodum was like a pivotal moment of my life. Son-in-law had me, dude. Sun-in-law, yeah. It'd be like... What if I saw that one? It's when, like, Kelly Corpatt,

or the girl from, say, by the bell is in it. Tiffany Amber Thieston is in it and he goes Some girl brings him home from college to like a rural farm And it's like her college friend And then he definitely didn't catch that one He has to like milk cows and stuff Nice

Sick movie Wow I remember just wanting in aside the biodome so bad Biodome was that Who was the Baldwin and Biodome Stephen Baldwin Yeah it wasn't he was a good out He was also in Sliver

Didn't see that That was like a late night like seventh grade prism titty movie. Really? It was about a dude that had an apartment complex that he cam the whole thing out. So like, I think. Maybe you should seventh grade movie.

You know when you were like babysit and set you might have been telling us but back in the day we used to like babysit and like you knew it had tities in it so you would watch. Yeah, for sure. So it was like one of those movies like a flash of tits.

You would spend like four hours being like it's good. I don't know if kids do that anymore. They don't. You don't watch a movie to catch tits. I think they just go right to the source these things. True.

Yeah. True. How old are you? I'm 32. Okay. So you didn't really have... What was the porn stage? Was it all internet for you?

Yeah, it was all internet. Gotcha. Yeah, yeah. So you were born in 92? You're Billy's age. 94. Yeah. 94.

Okay, yeah. You're a little... I forgot. I'm 44. I thought I was 42 for a second. I still can't get over that, man. Did any of you guys do analog porn? Lemise, you must have touched some analog porn.

Yeah, just for a minute. You mean, like, magazines? Magazines, DVDs. VHS? Catch a nice fucking Sears Mag spank. Okay. So you were in the trenches with us. Yeah.

It was Sears Mags. Victoria's Secret. Oh my God. Is it a king or smooth? I felt like you would be a king or smooth guy. What's king or smooth? It's just black like Maxim FHM. That wasn't in my parents.

I was in my house. Yeah, my not made her parents' house. Yeah, I've said it before. My parents blocked all the music channels, but BET remained because they didn't know it existed. So we only had BET growing up. That was our only music channel in our house. So yeah, they did not have black or smooth or whatever.

Yeah, my dad was bringing up a copy of Smooth. No, I just got what came to the mail. That was a child. So I was completely, I couldn't take out a subscription by myself. So I was completely relying on like the Coles catalog, Sears. And again, Victoria's Secret was was, that was like pornography. I would see, Victoria's Secret was like, dude, this is, they're sending porn in the mail. I used to tear up Delius.

What's Delius? Not to self-incriminate. But like, it was like 13 year old girls in bikinis. But you were 12. Yeah. important distinction that's a very important distinction yeah it wasn't C-Sam I was 12

Coles had the juniors like bathing suits and all that shit as a child I would check they didn't have kids in underwear but they would have kids in bathing no Delia's was like halter tops and like yeah it was just like you it was basically women's clothing for girls yeah back when I was 12 I was just like

oh I love them that was a nice I remember I remember dipping into the junior's swimsuits and being like well finally something for me they're thinking people at coals are really thinking about me like well in case there's a you know 12 year old out there done it did your folks ever take you guys to Vegas you pick up those cards off the ground no my my parents would never take us a sense why did your parents take you to Vegas yeah they're they're you know they wanted to do Vegas so they had those cards they had only child no I had a brother okay I still do but yeah yeah he's still lot thank God yeah no we never got to I it blew my mind I went to Vegas the first time when I was I think

literally 21. And I saw those hooker baseball cards. And I thought that was pretty cool. Yeah. He just hand them out. And the price is advertised, by the way. Not true. Yeah.

They'll say, oh, 200 bucks. And you go, that's a deal. They show up and they go, it's 200 bucks just for me to get here. That's what I've heard from Vegas. It's 200 bucks just for them to get there.

I didn't have any money at the time. Wow. They told me it's 200 bucks just to get there. And then they hit you with the real price. Yeah. And the menu starts. So you just go to say hi and then she leaves. Literally what happened.

Wow. Yeah. Literally what happened. I mean, so I've heard. Wait, is your parents would take you to Vegas

and just trail you through the streets of Vegas? Yeah, sometimes. And then they'd find like movies for us during the day. Were they just gambling?

Or they just, yeah, yeah, they were like gamble and like go out. Sometimes we'd go to like a show or something. I guess so you lived in Colorado.

So I'm like, it sounds so strange. It's right there. Yeah. Yeah. We always take that. It's just a straight shot down, basically.

They're trying to do something in Atlantic City like that, trying to make it more family, friendly, but it's such a lost cause. Have you been to Atlantic City? No. Atlantic City is fucked. You took all the seediness of Vegas and just like made it all very apparent everywhere. Yeah.

It's Atlantic City's kind of weird. They sell spoons, single spoons in the convenience source. Oh shit. Yeah. I remember seeing that. It took me a minute. I was like, metal spoon. Someone told me in Atlantic City that like the cops let it be known down there.

Like if you fuck with people coming to the casinos, like we will put you. in jail forever. Really don't fuck it up. Don't fuck with these people. And it's like understood, like you can do whatever the fuck you want down there, but don't fuck with the casino people because that's like the bread and butter.

Yeah, that makes sense. I walked through the cut one time in Atlantic City. I got detoured into a side mission and I'm walking through the cut. Kind of walk a shame situation. And the dudes who just laugh, they're all just laughing at me and be like, but yeah, no one,

no one to cost to me or bother me. They all just kind of... Someone told me Atlanta City crashed hard too because like online gambling, all like the people that, would just naturally get pulled there to go gamble, just do it on their phone. So it's kind of crumbling.

Yeah, well, the club scene's the only thing that keeps... Then everyone's wrong. Someone's like this place fucking rules. Atlantic City? Yeah. Certain people...

Hoss? One cousin? I don't want to speak his name. Hoss loves a Lansing City. I don't want to summon his wrath. He loves Atlantic City. He loves Atlanta. Also, I will say Ocean Casino in Atlantic City is nice.

It's like, it's genuinely nice. Dude, I... Hoss told me the same thing. I took Dan in there for our anniversary. Those rooms were like 30 bucks because it was the off season. She was the only non-prostitute there. Not to throw shade on for sure sex workers. Not at all. It's not the best anniversary setting. I mean, though it kind of is. You take him around. You see the pros and you're like, yeah, married mother. Not so bad after a lot. Not so bad. Not so

bad. We went to eat. Yeah, we were like sitting with like it's this or the dishes. Dishes are not so bad. Yeah, it's not so bad. Yeah, it's chicks also. We were, I was in Chicago with Brittany and we We were staying at a nice hotel and there was two hookers at the bar. And they had like, there was a guy there who had been with his wife, but his wife went to do something. So he's at the bar and these two hookers just like descend upon him. Which his wife like went to the bathroom and then she like went somewhere for like a while. Maybe back to the room.

Oh. Maybe she was taking care of business. I don't know. She went back to the room. It came. And the hookers didn't see the wife leave. They saw like an older businessman. So they like pop down next to it.

And then Brittany was like looking. I'm like, bro, they're hookers. Yeah. She was like, she like could. she was like so fascinated. Chicks versus civilian chicks versus square, square chicks. Like our chicks,

we're dealing with squares. Yeah. When they see hookers? What? It's kind of conflict of interest. Circles and squares, bro. Yeah,

because it's like, our babes are squares. I'm dealing with a square babe. But yeah, man, it's fun letting them see hookers. It's like exciting for women to see them. I think they have like,

some of them think that it's like a cool, like pretty woman type fantasy. Yeah, it's, I've said it before. Hookers are like, they're construction workers. You know when you see a construction worker.

Yeah, you're like, Dan, that guy can like fix a sink. I feel like such a fucking bitch that I don't know. Like, they're that for women. Yeah, I guess so. They're kind of grizzled. Yeah, they're like hard fucking. Yeah, their necks don't hurt when they give blow jobs for no reason. It's next are fine, even though they give a thousand blow jobs a day.

Not like one a month. It's probably threatening. It's like when a contractor comes to your house and he's like, yeah, we'll just rip this wall out and do that and your life's looking like, do you know any of that? Yeah, that's what I'm just taking a face value of this man tells us in our house. Oh, thank you, Mr. Thank you, sir. Oh, yeah, cool, cool. You guys want anything to drink?

They're wild chicks. Yeah. Wild chicks. I mean, I don't want to speak on the life at all. I have no, you know, I have nothing against them. I have zero against them. I have a new thing with my sexuality where I identify now as a metasexual. Really?

I read this in a book. Are you familiar with the concept of metasexuality? Not at all. So, like, basically in a nutshell, it holds that sex can only, happen between a man and a woman. Biological man, biological woman. Sex can only happen when they come together and decide to have intercourse to make a child. Right. That is sex. Whoa. Anything other than that is not sex. Yeah. It is meta sex. So once you step outside of that specific act, we're all in the same boat. Yeah. We're all doing a deviant sexual act if we're not actively trying

to conceive. So only two groups, the people that are having sex solely to procreate and everything else. Everything else is we're all together. Everything else is... So there's no homosexuals. There's no lesbians. We're just all metasexuals. That makes sense.

Unless... We're conceiving. We do that specific conceiving act. I like that. So you're saying you're just part of the non-conception. You're just part of like the pleasure dome. True. So there's no shame in any of it.

Maybe they're saving that lesbian bar after all. True. You get the bros in there. Now that I know I can enter as a mediation. So you basically you're leveling the kink playing field. Right. Where it's like unless we're procreating, we're breaking the code of sex. We're all doing the same thing.

So we're all in this together. That's fair. Dangerous game. What do you think about that? Dangerous game. You think that's dangerous? I think it's fair. I think it's unifying.

Could be nice. Where it's like you're just like, oh, that's cool. Yeah, that's cool. You know? Yeah. You're all just celebrating God's creation in various ways. Well, that'd be the ideal world, right? If everything wasn't so categorized.

That's what I'm saying. The categories are the problem. Right. Yeah, there's just pure conception and deviancy. It's deviancy in the mathematical sense that you're deviating from the act. It's not deviancy in like the... It's deviance. It's literally deviants.

It's fair. I mean, yeah, if you're like a young college kid who's like, oh, I'm trying to get like my dick sucked or whatever, you're... It's the same thing as like a closet of gay dad jerking off to gay porn in the world. 100%. You're all doing the same thing. Whatever, yeah. You're in the meta.

That's good to know. You're in the metaverse. You're in the metaverse. You're being slightly bea. So you lose all resistance to, I'm not saying you do anything. For sure. You still follow your heart and do what's right to you.

Exactly. But like the rest of it all is just one lump of metasexuality that we all celebrate. Wow. It's kind of like a blown Pride Week wide open. And we're all out there. True. Isn't it sweet when we have sex when we come

and we're not trying to have a kid? You should get a metasexual flow at the Pride parade. But it's, So it shatters the categories of sexuality. That's kind of nice. So we're all kind of doing the same thing. That's fair. I think that's a pretty cool idea.

I think that's a good concept. I didn't come up with it. It was the thing I read. You're bringing it out. I'm bringing it back to like the public sphere. I mean, there's the writer. Then there's the production. It's true.

That's true. What's one without the other? Wow. Hey, man. I got four hours of sleep last night. I'm fucking cooking. Right. Man, you are arrested. I'm so tired.

I'll sell him. Before we started, I'm just like a pair of like dead eyes and just like a chemically powered body right now. Yeah. I'm getting like solid nine hour sleeps down here. Dude, I was on a nice streak and then I stepped out to the wicked nightlife last night and started entertainment. I haven't tasted anything after sundown down here. I had a nice like two weeks of that, like in bed by 930 reading one of the Russian masters passing out. It's kind of chill.

It's the best, dude. I fucking am pissed. When I'm like, fuck, I got to go to stand up and I got to be out late at night, I'm like, I hate this. Once I'm on stage, obviously, you know. Yeah, you're having a good time. I'm just part of the, I'm just part of the night.

And then I just, you know, I just feel the way I wake up in that next morning. I go, I feel so wicked. You can't at least sleep a little there, right? Not really. I'm geared to wake up.

I wake up. And if I do, I don't feel arrested. If you go to bed late and still get like seven hours, you feel like shit when you wake up. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That's why I stayed up.

It's like, that was the move. You can't. What are you, what's your plan today? you got to... I'm gonna make it till the next cycle.

You're gonna... No, bro. Through. Yeah. There's no way you're just on coffee. What stems you on right now? Literally coffee and nicotine.

Coffee and nicotine. Coffee and that's fucking sick. Yeah. I can't go... I can't go carb heavy today. Yeah. Although you want to. I want to.

When you're low on sleep, your body craves carbohydrates. Right. That's a scientific fact. Exactly. I'm just going to have to eat like whenever I want carbohydrate quick,

like 8. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Boom. Then a piece of toast. Why don't you take it nap? You can save yourself all your eggs and take it down. Man. What do you got after this?

I'm gonna go. I was thinking about making here like. Temptress. What's that one lady's name about the Odyssey, the Cycala, whatever. Siren. No, I'm saying, not even in a metasexual term. Brotherly, that's brotherly.

It's like, Forrest Gumpin. What's his name? I can't. That's agape. That's pure agape. I won't deviate. I just won't. That's wholesome.

Yeah, and I know. That's why I like the Russian masters. Me and Matt will talk quietly. True. We do this all the time. That's why I like the Russian masters. It's like you see your boy. You give him a big kiss.

You hold his hand for a little bit. You're so excited to see him. Man. Like one of the one of the one book I just read, the guy is being tried for murder. And they're like, yeah, we need all your clothes for evidence because they has blood on him. And he's like, bro, I'm not giving you my fucking. It's like, he's, you know, he's like an aristocrat. And he's like, the fact that he has to wear someone else's clothes is like a life ending shame.

He's like, bro. I would feel like that. To wear another man's clothes. Like you were like sleep in like someone's bed. Dude. And you're kind of like. Sucks. I slept in Carl's bed.

Your roommate's bed the one time. He was gone. Oh, it's like you just smell another guy. I was just like, bro, this is not it. You can, like, sleep upstairs. Even, like, hotels, I have no problem with because it's, like, anonymous. Yeah. But, like, if I'm, like, at someone's house and I go, I haven't done this in years.

But they're like, oh, so-and-so's not here. You guys can just, like, sleep in his bed. I'm always like. Yeah. Well, girls bed. I have no problem. Obviously. I love sleeping in, like, if it's like a good, I just trying to explain it to

day. She was giving Macawr time about, like, not keeping his bed straight. Mm-hmm. I was just like, Dana, like, he's not going to keep his bed street. Yeah. And if he does, hold. never get laid. I was like,

what girl wants to, like, have a boyfriend who's, like, bitching about the fitted shit? I was like, you got to set it up. So, like, when he discovers girl beds,

he starts to auto correct, and that'll come in, like, his 20s. That's true. But, like, you can't raise him to be like, yeah, bishing about,

like, the duvet cover. Like, he's never going to. He shouldn't even know what that is. Yeah. I'm like, bro, let him sleep like a while, man. Yeah. Sometime around, like,

23, 24, but, like, you know, start realizing, like, oh, like girl beds are the way. Yep.

And then still, like, if I'm left to my own devices, it's like bare mattress. Yeah. Like folded up sheet for my pillow. My pillows on the crown. I cannot keep a bed. I didn't know people wash their sheets until I was like,

I thought that was like spring cleaning shit. Didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know it was like a thing you did. That was just your bed. It was like your couch. Yeah. Exactly.

I was like it's a piece of furniture. Didn't know you wash sheets. I had no idea. I had no idea. I just never fucking thought about it. No, why would you? I just be like, oh, fucking.

When you get to my bed, sweaty? Like, I'd be, like, running full speed. Just hit the bed. Oh, yeah. Yeah, sometimes I'll sleep with, like, my fucking mouth is open, and then you just wake up and your pillows just, like, mouth. Oh, range rule. Yeah, and you go.

I'll flip it over 30 times. No. But I was like, dude, you have to let him keep, like, a wild nest in some degree. Yeah. Or he's going to turn into, like, like, a serious dude. Yeah, true. And I'm like, I can't. I won't be able to help him.

Yeah, he doesn't need to be bouncing. quarter off the sheets right now. Like, yeah, I completely agree with that. And you got to let that's, and that's a babe doing her thing. That's how it sounds like, like,

what would you do if you had a boyfriend that was like bitching about the bedding? Like, don't you think he'd kind of like, what you say? She's like, you're right, but like I can't have him be an animal.

Like you have to like, nudge him. Yeah. So that someday when some girl shows him like a nice bed, he like remembers his mother's voice. True. You can't just raise him to be like a clean, nice,

like, It's just not happening. Genetically, it's impossible. Yeah, for sure. I was like, it's just not like, no. I won't be able to guide him any longer.

Yeah, true. That kind of terrifies me to think of him turning into like a serious dude and like dating. I'm like, dude, you're on your own. Yeah,

how these guys had ever done it. I don't know. Like, I do. I think about it all the time. I get freaked out by serious dudes. I always think like, like you like take a girl to dinner somewhere

and then you start talking about the school district and like the rental properties. I might buy some place here and like turn it into an Airbnb. Dude, I, I've been in a, I got my haircut. Not recently. I just got my haircut yesterday. But I've got my haircut before years ago and I would watch serious dudes being like, I'm actually on the board.

It's just like, dude, shut the fuck up. Nobody cares. That's how they spit game. When they like go out on dates, I'm assuming they're like, you know, like I'm thinking about getting some rental properties. Yeah. Tolst Sclusa, Alabama. It's property.

It's pure status. And that's a, that's a death sentence. But I mean, it might work for some dudes, but like, I'm not going to be able to guide my son if he enters that realm of a baby. It's a different language completely. Yeah. In body and spirit.

It really is. Yeah. I mean, you're almost a robot at that point where you're just, you're like, you need enough tokens to play the game. Yeah. You're like, I've fed the proper tokens. And if you'd like to take my hand in marriage. Right.

It's fucked up. How do you talk to that guy? Yeah. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, have to be on that wavelength. Really. Yeah. But I, I kind of, I was listening to the guy do it and I was like, bro. I just got out because that's like most like zero to six kid parties.

Yeah. You just like pull up and couples are like, oh, you know, we did a, you know, we did Acadia last year. This year we're thinking about doing like, you know, the Everglades. And you're like, I never thought about that. You guys have to like adapt to other adults because of your children. You do up to a point and then it's either like sink or either. That's why. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm a classic. I'm a classical romantic, honestly. I've always happened. So, classic romantic, just jesting, merriment, eating food and be like,

you're a jester maxer. I'm a jester maxer. I'm basically jester maxer. Jam and. Well, most people down here are stung. When I found out jester maxing was a thing, I was like,

fuck, you got me. Fuck, yeah. It sucks when they little kids on the internet completely pin you down. Is that a real thing? Jester maxing is like dudes

that like try to be funny to attract women. Ah, fuck. Which is apparently, I mean, what else? Yeah. But it's also like you're a jester. Well, you become jester goon, too. That's if you jester mac so hard that you like start being a goofy boy all the tons.

It's like the dudes who show up the parties with like funny outfits and they're like, oh, oh, you're just a gond. Yeah. You've taken it past the romantic thing of like, I'm going to charm this woman through humor to like my identity. Your jester goon. The goofy man. Oh, man. You start jester gooning.

Oh, fuck. It's a dangerous bounce. It is. that's i never thought about that you find yourself slipping into it it's like you got to come back from it yeah jester goon is tough yeah everyone knows everyone i've seen a lot of people fall into the it's like the guy the like wears like a Hawaiian shirt to the office and like a visor and he's like oh true it's like the antithesis of that serious guy they're talking about yeah it's like other web yeah it's like it's a serious guy trying to be funny a lot of you if you're a serious guy trying to

You might slip into jester green territory. That's a clear pathway. Fuck. They're like, this is a funny hat. Therefore, if I wear it, I'll be funny. Right. It all checks out.

The logic's clear. This is trending. But hey, man, that's some people's, that's some people's deal. You know, they look at me and say, that guy's a fucking mess. And I am, but I'm a beautiful mess. That's true.

You're beautiful mess, dude. Wow. But yeah, man, dude. We hit the hour, man. We've literally filled our quote. I'm going to slip into the motherfucking Patreon. I'm going to take a piss. Yeah, it was piss.

And maybe we'll rip it up. See what you're doing. You got the energy, rip it up. Okay. Keep it going. Thank you guys. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's secret podcast on Spotify. Do it.