Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 641 - The Russian Masters (feat. Tim Butterly & SWIM)

Episode Date: October 15, 2026

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Support Tim @ https://www.patreon.com/timbutterly & Support DadMeat @ https://www.patreon.com/dadmeatpodcast Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Tim Live @ https://linktr.ee/timbutterly Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Go See Lemaire Lee Live @ https://lemairelee.fun/ Yo0o00o. Hope you're all having a good week. We got the broz - Tim & SWIM in Matt HQ for you. Scorchin' hot cast. We talk poop, cum, Russian literature, and some other things. Support Tim's podz and see him on the road. Please enjoy. I love you. God Bless. Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/DRENCHED and use code DRENCHED and get $150 if you win your first $5 lineup! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

The Wild Wow, Wes. Hey, welcome to the podcast. We're here. I'm with Tim Butterley. Tim, I didn't get to properly say hello. Hey, man. What's up? What's up?

What's up? What's up? What's up, bros? How are we doing, man? We're just, you know, filling in, chilling. Just chilling in. During a slow news week. Yeah, nothing going on.

Not really much going on. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. Yeah. Sorry, that's my own. This thing's been shagging out. I, um, I had an actually, you know,

I had a, personally, I had a tumultuous night last night. So, as you know, my babe's pregnant. So my babe's pregnant. And she's been having just belly issues. First trimester. You're not first trimester. Sick as a dog every day. Sick as a dog every day.

I mean, I'll tell you about parenting, man. The days are long, but they go by quick, if you know what I mean? But so I'm like, end of the day. I'm like, all right, time to chill. Babe hits me with literally like, oh, yeah, good call, actually. Babe hits me. Dude, I didn't I fucking think of that. Babe.

I've been doing that for like five months. Just like. Good call. You got some clarity this week. Yeah, I got clarity for sure. Jeez. But she hits me with like a pregnant hospital level. Like her stomach got super fucked up.

So I'm like, you know, I'm like, all right, we got to go. I selfishly hate the emergency. I hate the hospital. I hate the emergency. I'm like a real big bitch when it comes to going there. It's a tough hang. It's a tough hang, dude. But so I'm like trying to be like, let's wait it out.

She's like, I have to go. And I'm like, let's give you 15 minutes. And if it gets worse, we can always go in 20 minutes. I was, dude, and I said, you know what? I just need to put my shoes on. I'm ready to go now. My biggest thing was I was trying not to be, it's a bitch, just being like, all right, let's go.

Here goes six hours. So I'm doing my best not to be like, yeah, let's go. All right. Not to fight instead. Yeah, I won't sleep. That's fine. Let's just stay here and fight. No, I love going to the emergency room.

So I'm, it's taking it. And it's just embarrassing, but I'm marshalling every. just like speck of my willpower not to be a complete baby and make it all about myself. Although I do have a greatest told you so of all time. Yeah. Yeah. It's like it's super smash bros when you squeeze and it keeps getting bigger and bigger. I'm going to hit you with like an ultimate told you so smash.

I mean, I was not sure domic seeing and monster told you so and I was like don't even think about the told you so. Like a life and death told you. You're not dying. Let's go. We go there. I'm like, and first of all, this is all me too. I'm like so tired. I miss the exit.

So like nightmare scenario. Well, how did you miss it? I'm like, I'm because I'm thinking about other stuff. And I'm like, just we can go this way. The highway system's fine. It'll connect us. So I, you know, so I everything's chill. Still everything's chill.

I'm driving. We get to the hospital. And I, it's like, do we go to like the pregnancy area? Because I think you get kind of first dibs when you're pregnant at the hospital. But I'm like, I don't, I didn't know where to go. So I'm like, let's just go in the emergency room and they'll kind of sort us out. Dude, we go in there and it was like full on Star Wars bar. The emergency room there, it was, I walked gallery.

It was packed with like, packed with like various stages of death and dying and non-emergency. You got a tummy aches. You got gunshot victim. Yes. I walk in there. A couple migraine people. There's just a guy because like, Brady, like here, sit down.

So something was really fucked up. I'm like, you sit down. I'll go handle official administrative biz. So she's in the chair. A dude two over next to her is this old guy who's just, you could tell, never read the back of any nutrition label ever in his life. Dude, he's these three chairs down. He just goes,

ah! Oh my God. You're like auditioning at that point. They're all trying to go back. Everyone's trying to go back first. You start going, babe, stay with me. Samo, please. Shirts fully out button.

Ah! I look up at him like, just the fuck up. I look at my poor sweet wife. She's like this. Her stomach's all messed up. And then behind me, if this is hip, my bad,

I don't know. With the technology, I think hip is not existing anymore. But there's a couple next. The guy's in a deeper level of babe hell than I am. Also pregnant babe or just not pregnant baby? Pregnant babe is like, yeah,

man. There's nothing I can do. This guy's here, to my knowledge, pregnant woman. Non-pregnant, huh? pregnant woman.

Excuse me. Pregnant. Excuse me. Pregnant. By bad. Can we start over? So I see this. There's a move in the hospital where like, because there's a four or five person line to get to admin.

So I get in line and there's two people in a chair and the line's like there's a chair, but it's off the side. So I get in line in front of the chair and I hear like, oh. And I'm like, fuck. I look back and they're hitting the Spanish back and forth to each other. And I can get, I, the lady spazzing the guys going. It's universal language. you guys going,

Tranquilo. No, no, no, no. You put it a bien. Despacito. And I'm going, oh, I'm going, oh, shit. I think they might be in line,

but sitting. Kind of like, I'm in line, but I'm sitting move. So I'm like, hey, man, speak now forever, hold your peace.

I got my own emergency going on. I'm technically in line. If you guys, if they were to be like, hey, we're sitting in the line, I'm like, hey, I would have yielded,

but they didn't say anything. But the lady keeps popping off. And the lady, the guy, and she would go, yeah, no, I do understand what you're saying.

Yeah. So I'm sitting there. And I'm like, oh, dude, they're fighting about the fact that I'm here. And I was faced with a real moral conundrum. I'm like, my babe suffering. It was like the, like the ethics thing. Like five people on Ireland, you got to kick one off. What do you do?

And I was just like, that my problem. Lociento. So I kind of, yeah, lociento. See, pardon me. Por favor. So I'm a picador. I'm a sinner. But so I get, I get in front.

I'm like just in line. And I'm like, I get my babe suffering. This is no time to be like, I'm sorry, where you got here, guys? Come on. Get ready. I'm like, dude, this is life of death. If it was for you, obviously, you defer. And it's like, you can't sit in a chair and call your spot. You got to do. Yeah, you got to get up.

I'm saving a spot. My baby's in a chair. That dude should be in line. And if I had a guess, the baby's like, you hold my hand. He's like, no, I can't hold your head. I got to get in line. You got to just be a grown up for five seconds. But whatever.

So whatever. But anyways, it's stuff. But so I'm watching this whole thing unfold. And meanwhile, I'm like, anything for my, my babe. I got it. Yeah. I'll kill both of them right now. Yeah, I'll fucking, I'll kill these guys.

I need to get my babe seen right away. She's with the child. Come on. Don't even, don't even talk to me. So I'm in line. And then this lady starts, she starts escalating, escalating. And the guys are, no, no, no, no. And then she's like, so they, they stand up behind me.

And they officially get in line. And the lady keeps on, ah, no, no, no, and he gets, and then they, to the point where they're like, do we need security to this lady? and then she dude ultimate she just goes ha and does a fake faint just one up with a completely fake faint and I was like dude

get us the fuck out of here right now they jump in front of you at that point no no no she just went because they're like they're waiting and then like the lady came out to help me with a clip it was so crowded they came out to help me with a clipboard and then she was like seeing people dispatch

and you know I'm getting some action and finally gets a fucking play yeah so so she just hits the ultimate like after screaming shut up in Spanish and then started to laugh like a maniac. They mentioned security and she goes, ah, Dios Mia.

And it's his lays and just like puddles out on the floor. The dude picks her up. He's like, come on. And then at one point, he looks over at me like, what do I do? And I was like, bro. I literally had look. I was like,

you guys should have rolled together. I should have. Like, yeah, let's just do you. Leave the Mohri's. For real, I looked at him.

I was in the hospital. I looked at him. I said, bro, it'll be fine. Don't. Don't worry. We'll get home.

We get some sleep. Don't worry. Sugar over it. But yeah, but also, weird thing. They were claiming three, she's like, she's been having a panic attack for three days. She hasn't slept in three days. And I'm sitting there like,

she's doing meth. She's possessed. Either she's possessed or she's on meth. Or it was like the most, it was horrible. But, but yeah, apparently they were trying to like bounce,

get like bounce their energy on her. And this nurse, thank God, came out and was like, dude, just let's bring this lady, but she's clearly something's off. Yeah. Or whatever. So I'm out of there by then.

I had to go move the car, transport babe to like baby war. and it was just like, I haven't, I had the emerge. I was like, dude, the emergence room's going to be crazy. And when we got in there, it was a level so beyond that it took everything in me, not to turn around and be like, you feel better? Yeah. The guy, literally the first guy in line.

Thanks for the invite, baby. The first guy in line when I get there is like, I think I'm having a heart attack. And I'm like three in line. Just like, all right, that's one guy out of the way. Let's, uh, let's go here. He starts striking a conversation with people convincing them they're fine and they leave. You know, like, I hate when you see like a kid with a big ice bag on his arms. Like, damn, it's going to get a preference.

Yeah, you're getting fresh. Why he try walking it off, champ, you know? Yeah. Oh, he's fine. Nothing but like there's like, move up one in line. Dude's just like wrapped in blankets there. And I was like, the fuck are you?

What are you doing, dude? Come on. She hit him with a six pack of ginger ale. She's rolling in like ginger ale, ginger ale. It would have taken care of like half the crowd. So that was my night. So I was there till one 15 a.m. last night. Jesus.

Got to situate, hey, man, look. And what was the diagnosis? For real, honestly, I think it was a, those pregnancy vitamins. They have, like, iron can really fuck your stomach up. So it was, like, zinc. There was no iron in it, which was the big confusion. But I think it was, like, a massive dose of zinc on an already irritated stomach. I looked it up as like a four-hour ordeal.

It'll fuck you up. And they passed. Did they treat anything or did they just send her home to chill? You're talking about the professional medical guessers? Yeah, no, they're all very nice. You need Dr. Huberman back there. They need, you would have been like, iron actually doesn't go into your stomach when you're pregnant. And actually because of it, they would take it with K2 folate? No, they were all, they're all super nice.

They were just kind of like, well, let's just like see what's up. And then they hit her with the Lidecane cocktail, which that's kind of all we need it. She brings some home. Huh? She brings them home. I might start. Yeah, but I'll start trapping with that shit. Can you?

I would cut. I would dry that shit out and use it as cut. Oh, a numbing aid. You can't trust me. The numbing aid. That's true. Come on, dog. I'm going to trap.

I'm going to cut that with some creatine. Trapping out. You're trapping out of your hood popping, dude. You got to get your hood popping. I do have to get my hood popping. For real. I live on a bitch block right now. I pulled up to that.

There's nothing popping around here. It's nothing popping, bro. I got no, my block, my strip makes. I was living in the Sims neighborhood. I was waiting out front for like 15 minutes. I was like looking around. No hoppers. Charlie Perks.

Nothing. Nothing popping. on your block. I got to get some young bulls out there for sure. Some corner boys. It would take like three years before any law enforcement came around. I could for real sell heroin in my neighborhood for like 10 years. But I got Facebook marketplace. Yeah.

Just be like, oh. Just pull up. Here. Just get it popping. I have all of them stash in the tire of my CRV. Start buying up houses on your block. Let's get it. I want to pour them all up.

I'm going to take decorating into my own hands. around here. A peptides crack house. That's your future. This is the traditional way of where I come from. I saw me post up on the block with my chair pants, dude. Oh, yeah, dude. It's a chair of leg rest.

I'm losing a phone. I'm missing a bolt right here. That's good gear, dude. These things are kind of sick. They are sick. I mean, that was my night, dude. This episode is brought to you by prize picks. Football is heating up and prize picks makes it easy to stay locked in.

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if you win your first $5 lineup. That's code drenched to get $150 instantly in lineups if you win your first $5 lineup. Price picks run your game. I had a dad pulled me out of dad hell. We were walking in the Walmart. Oh, that's you're entering the mouth of that hell. Yeah.

And a guy was coming out. A guy had escaped. He was, you know, he cleansed his sins. Another thing in Aladdin when like the jaguar head comes out of us. You got to walk in. And Jasmine's dressed ridiculously fine. That was so inappropriate. What?

How hot they made Jasmine in that scene. Dude, that's none of your business. That's true. That's, I, dude. Can you scratch that? Dude. I'm not going to talk about it. That's one strike.

That is my bet, my bad. That was, that was violence, Thomas. What's ridiculous is that Disney put in easy. Another thing with little girls take off the clothing. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah. Disney put in like a thing there where they say, like, good, like, good. Yeah, what she's pet in the tiger.

And they go, good little girls take off the clothes real quick. Yeah. Do you know that? No. You're getting like the Disney Easter eggs of like. I know there's like dicks all over the little mermaid. That was a bonus. Did you ever see the priest's boner in Little Mermaid?

No. Bro. I'm not fucking peeping meat. like that. I'm telling you. I was staring at the mermaid toseys, dude. We heard about Ariel 16, but we heard about... Although she lives underwater.

She was a fish, dude. I feel like in Atlanta. I feel like in Atlantis, you can make the argument, be like, oh, hold on, man. International waters argument? Fish lady. That's their culture and I respect it. Prince Eric's a real.

Prince Eric's a real fucking villain. What? Prince Eric's a real villain in the story. He's grabbed the naked lady out of the ocean. Beach. Yeah. like took her home kissed her. Fucked up.

It's fucked up, bro. That's why I like Frozen. I like, I don't like, just have sisters empowering each other, punching guys in the face. I'm with that. I'm with Frozen.

People say Frozen satanic. I think it's empowering. Why do they say it's Satanic? I've never heard this either. Because they just say it's like, you've been out of the game too long. Yeah, true. It's just like,

you're getting right back in. Drowning, dude. I'm getting right back in. We were over at the buddies out of day. These kids are grown. Grown. We unified our sons. It was like,

oh, bro. Yeah, they lived out. I heard of that. I was thinking about that meeting about a year ago. I was like, bro, no two humans are going to hit it off harder.

We were driving home. Mac was like, I've never met anyone that much like me. Not to put his biz out, dude, he wouldn't be happy if I put his biz out. True. My bad,

my bad, my bad. He did, he hit me last night. I was putting him to bed and he was like, yo, can I ask you a question? I thought it was going to be like,

can we go get us? Like, can we go to the game stop? Yeah. It's just like, what was it? He was like, is Santa real? Yeah.

Between you and me. I won't say nothing to mom. He's like, is you real? I'm like, what do you think? And then he's like, well, dude, I just like, I know you and mommy don't drink that much milk. So who drinks all the milk? So I was like, so you think this magical man's not real because milk is consumed?

What's your evidence that he's not real? I started listing it off. I'm like, all right, I'm not going to tell you this because it's up to you to find out. But you're saying you don't think there's a magical guy with an island of elves that builds toys that look, they came from Target. and what's hanging you up is a glass of fucking hill kid. And he just was like, dude, what's real? What's not?

He was like panicking. Yeah, man. He's like, two fairy. It's the first existential crisis in a boy's life. He's like, why do you guys lie to me? I was like, we've made a magical fucking seven years for you, dude. It's fun. Don't put this on me.

You should try to hold on to Santa Claus until puberty. Yeah, it's just like, yeah, whatever. Then we devised the plan where we were going to. He's the eldest, though. That's the thing. It's better if there's old. I remember I learned about. Santa not being real, but you and Kevin were like, yeah, dude, that's shit for kids.

And I was like, well, so thank you. Yeah, I made sure you didn't do that with you guys. I remember, yeah, I remember feeling cool that I got to like help set up the toys that year. Yeah. And then after that, I was like, this sucks. I don't get any more presents. Well, I was trying to run a game with him. I was like, dude, let's not tell mom and like let her start to worry about you at like 15.

And he was with it. I was like, I can't do that too. Santee. That was actually how I confirmed Santa's not real. It was I stayed up on Christmas Eve one night. my older Wigger brothers were they were old enough to like, I set up the tree and shit. They're not elves.

I hated them so much. And I was getting Street Fighter 2 for a Super Nintendo. Were you spied on them? Yeah, I laid down at the top of the stairs. But you were up in their business? It was my business, dude. It was my street fighters, too.

True, true. And I was on the edge of the top stair just peeking over. And they were all sitting under the tree. And my brothers were like handling my shit. And he picked up my copy of Street Fighter 2. He's like, damn, I'm about to start playing this right now. I'm just like, no, you're not. just raging at the top of the stairs.

I was this close to running down. Put it down. It's not yours. Wait, did you come down and like, tell him the next morning? No, I slunk back off to my bed

and kept the secret because I was worried it would diminish the number of presents. Oh, damn. Because if it's magic, magic run up the list, obviously, but then the second Santa's not real,

it's like, man, mom and dad don't make that much money. I should probably. I got cut out. I put up on my dad all tough. Like, you know,

Santa's not real. And he was like, now you can help. Yep. And it was like 20s from there on that. Yeah. There's 20 bucks. You're 30 bucks.

Sox. And fucking, yeah. Like, yeah, you got to help the little kids now. I'm like, fuck.

I thought, I felt so cool that first Christmas when I got the help. He was feeling himself when he woke up. He like, looked at me like, what's up.

Yeah. I told your mom. Milk out of the carton. Yeah. He was like, yo. It was like our lepricons and fairies real.

I'm like, yes, kind of. Yeah. We're getting into fucking. Yeah. now we're getting... Territories that I can't even explain to you.

Maya holds it down. Everything's real. Like, if I'm like, well, she's like, dad, unicorns are real. And I'm like, yeah, man, fucking whatever. Whatever you say. My bad. Excuse me.

She's like, why don't I see fairies? I'm like, they're so fast and tiny. It was like, he's like, I want to see one so bad. She gets really, she gets really fucked up about it. She's all about leprechaunxon right now. We, because we used to do the thing at St. Pat, or at St. Patrick's where we would die the toilet screen and stuff.

What? So it's like he's like cascading. Every like, wait, the, oh, fuck, that's fake too. That's fake too. So he's having a real, like... Yeah. Ontological crisis.

He's gearing up to realize that you don't know shit about anything. That's the one that really hits. That's going to hit him hard. They go, oh, I'm telling you, I gave that to Maya prematurely by putting on these chairpants. Yeah. And I sat down and she went, uh, and cried. I was like, ah, fuck, my bad. That was supposed to not be...

That's a good way to introduce her to her to never talk about what other people wear, though. Mm-hmm. Yeah. True. I was actually kind of fucked up. I was actually going to fucked up, he... It's fucked up. She even mentioned them.

That's first and foremost in our house. True. That's, that's top priority. I'm like, yeah, dad's naked. Don't say anything.

Matt, how do you drink their coffee? How do your girls do around like deformed people? Uh, poorly. I mean, they're, they're like,

they're quick to fire off questions right away. Yeah. Point. Yeah, right away. Dad, why is his legs like that? I'm like,

shut off. Shut up. Yeah, dude. They, they, they snipe. guy with a bionic leg at the farmer's market this weekend. Really?

And I had your two kids and my two kids. And the three little ones were just like, yo, yo, yo, like the pointing star. I'm like, yo, drink that strawberry milk. Leave that fucking man alone. And they think it's cool. Yeah. But I'm like, we're just not, we're not hitting like a three kid. Yeah.

What the fuck right now. I'm sure the dude would laugh it off. I'm sure he's not like still waking up like fuck out. No. Yeah. They talk a big game like they're used to it. they still go home, just like, fucking kids.

It started brewing, though. Like, I heard one of them like, yo, they sung the alarm. Then the other two were like, whoa. I'm like, dude,

shut it down. They do it with fat. They hit it with fat all the time. Like, wow, that guy's really big, dad. I'm like,

stop. And also people who they can't tell are boys and girls. Like, is that a man or a woman? You know, and they're ruthless. It'll be like a dude with a ponytail.

I'm like, that's clearly a seven-year-old dude. I get offended. Might hit me with the fat. Do you remember? Yeah. We had at the pool. She was like,

Dad, why is his belly so big? Dude. It's because he's rich. They, Chloe, I was sitting there the other day we're at like one of those

outdoor brewery play place kind of things. And Chloe just came up to talk to me. I'm like, standing in front of like four different people. Chloe comes up and she's like, um, because there's these little like stalls, like vendor things that sell like bracelets.

So she's like trying to scheme on a bracelet. And as she's like, she's like trying to formulate her sentence. She's like stress bawling my stomach fat. Just being like, dad. I'm like, you fuck off me. She's like isolated under my shirt and started squeezing it.

I'm like, yo, fucking release me first of all. It's no, there's nothing where you come out without a shirt on. They're just like, I get crushed. I get crushed.

I'm like, I'm always like slimming up a little. Like, nah, you're still, you're still chubby dad. And I'm like, all right.

Thanks. Thanks. They're on it. I'll be, I'll be like get a shower. I'll be sitting there like, dude, fucking.

Like, I'm getting pretty jacked now. They're like, no, you're still, you're still right there. It's like all around your hips. Yeah, yeah. That doesn't seem to ever go. And I'm like, you're right. It never goes, kids.

Prisloves leading a welt on my belly. So he'll approach from like, he'll come from across the room and he's got his hand up. And it just. And I go, ah, he got me again, bud. Really great. But I was in the middle of like, we were, me and MJ were trying to figure out something in the kitchen. And it was like a scheduling thing. Are we going, whatever?

and he walked up and I didn't see him coming and he hooked it and he caught me and he knocked the wind out of me and you ever get like hitting the stomach and you can almost feel like it touch your spine like it went through all my organs I was ready yeah I still bitch you up if I get a nut shot I'm like

oh god damn it stop! Yeah I won have no idea what's going on stop it right now it's not funny you know not a fucking jump Dude, I was Yeah, I've been, I've been

I've been rocking, dude I've had again, I've had a sick My baby's been sick So I've been rocking It was just me and the kids I bring them everywhere now I'm like I get your dog food You stay here

I'm like now you're coming So I bring them with me It's no like we see the cats Like no you gotta stay with me So I bring them home And then we're heading back last night And they're like We're so hungry

And I'm like guys will be fine You're not gonna die My belly rumbled I'm like dude you'd be fine I'll actually eat what I give you And they're like You're so me Yeah, they're not used to it.

I took him on like a 99 degree hike and I was like, we're hardening you guys off. Yeah. And we walked and walked and we sip water. Keep going. Yeah. I'm like, dude, they cracked. But then they're coming around to the Texas heat. Dude, I did. I've been hit, my has been complaining.

I like, Philadelphia is too hot here. And I was like, this summer, I'm toughening you two up. So I was making them do long walks in the heat. And I'll do like a little bit. I'm like, you got a little bit tougher today. Yeah. I kept doing it now that they've been, they've been toughen up pretty.

We like went through the park down into, like some creek bed. We were like playing the creek. We like walked up on like a five star homeless encampment. Nice. And they were like, dude, we shouldn't be down there. I'm like, we're not hurt. These guys are chilling. Yeah. If they come out, they shouldn't be down here. Yeah.

It's all part toughening it up. You got used to like some wacko in the woods being like, yeah, dude. What's up? Step to him. Like we're standing a pile of rocks. I bitched up. I went through a homeless encampment in somewhere in Spokane, Washington. And I'm walking. There's like this cool little kind of like platform thing. You walk down

in the river and I come up against like a dude, it was like a six person, like a gauntlet of maybe like eight homeless people, four and four. I'm like, pretty tight quarters. There's about the width of like this rug and I'm like, I walk right through. I don't get my fuck. I started getting closer. One of the dudes just was wearing a Jason mask. I was like, yeah, maybe not.

Jason mask guy. I was like, okay, that guy has me kind of shook. Now this dude had like an old retired campery found somewhere, like a pop-up tent. And he had like some tarps up, some sitting areas. It was a fucking spread. I was like, whoever this is is a wise man.

Like, this isn't something we need to worry. If he comes out, we can probably have conversations with them that benefit you. As far as... You can learn a thing or two. Yeah,

these guys are on to some shit. That's, that's another thing my kids bug out about homeless people. Like, they just now, like, when we pull up,

they'll be like, they figured out, like what homeless people are. And they're like, ah, but every time I pull up, she's like, dad,

give him money now. He's, dad, they need money. I'm like, I don't have any, I don't have cash. First of all, I'm like, well, let's feel the guy out.

I don't, you know. I'm like, you don't know what the fuck he's going to use it for. He's like, Dad, give him money. Daddy, he doesn't have a house. They get, they get so fucked up about it. Like he doesn't. He doesn't, all right? It's fucked up.

I know, guys, this is sad. But you got to do is ignore him and drive past. She'd bunk them up. Be like, yo, you got, get him a bunk bed. True. You're like, yo. Yeah. You got a top bunk.

See how tough you are now. They talk shit because we had a bleeding heart you are. now. We had these things. Their school gave us blessing bags where you go home. You're supposed to give them. They want you to take your kids. If you see a homeless person, you go with, it's like an apple, water, some supplies, and you hand it to a homeless person. So I'm like, our guys, we had the bags. I took them downtown. I'm like, safe injection needles.

Female condoms. And, uh, dental dams. And, uh, did you hear they're proposing like sex housing for homeless people, like outdoor sex huts? What? They're just going to, they play like a play, like a play tent. I thought you meant they're going to put it up in a crib and you can pop by. I was like, who the fuck is proposing this? Like the bottom of

the internet? You're talking about like a glory door? Just put up one wall with like not my idea. I thought that's what they were proposing. It wouldn't be the craziest thing this government's proposed. It's true. No, it was Trump's America. Trump exactly, dude. Jesus

man. The, they were proposing like party playtel. Like they need a place where they can like hook up. Where they can get some. I support that. I mean, dude,

that's step one to get your ship back together. I would say, like anytime I've been like, I've never been homeless, but any time I've been like off the rails. Yeah. And I get a new girlfriend. My shit's like that's true.

That's true. Clos are washed. Like. Yeah. But do you think it's step one though? What's that? Do you think it's step one? It's step one when like that's coming back in.

I mean, I haven't gone through this phase and. I was like in my 20s. But like once that's like in the realm of possibilities, you like kind of start to lose hope. I think we should like, I'm not getting some new new. Yeah.

It can't be. Talk about celebrating lovemaking with a new person. We should. They should make it like a book. It program. Like you show up with a haircut. You get a kiss. There's a teeth cleaning that you can get.

And then at the end, they give you like a voucher for some pussy. Yeah, but if you had like a little smash. You have stamps on your homeless guy, clean up your act card. And we can have the same thing for homeless ladies. That's what I'm saying.

But they started meeting. But you know what's doing? Like guys that live places have sex with homel's ladies. We're the prize. Don't forget it. We're the prize. Yeah, okay.

They got to book it for the D. That's my favorite content. Wait, so what are they proposing? Just places for them to make homeless love? Yeah. I don't know. I don't know.

I got distinguished that. Hold on. Love is love. You're right. Love is love. Lo is love. Delete that. Yeah,

that's what I've heard. A place for homeless people to make love. that's like cushy or hook up dude let's not put i don't want to put judeo christian value oh you don't put like biv on heteronormative p iv exactly yeah they they could just hook up they could be polly so just like a little incense a little like yeah some tiger tunds man i would venture say maybe a lot of incense but some soft tunes yeah some yes i did i support that i came all the new conclusion every more now like i sit outside and smoke cigarettes and just think of like, you know, government solutions.

For sure. You want the fire idea today. I think, like, Trump has been a very divisive president. Sure. But we kind of need to keep that energy in the presidency for around now, right? Why? Here's where it's going to get good. So, like, we need to start, like, even diving in harder and just getting, like, old alcoholic,

borderline racist mechanics to be our president. Okay. And just leave them at Twitter and let them take care of that, right? Then we need to split the vice presidency and start getting the most whacked out, far out vice presidents. That's not bad. So if like we were to get like 9-11 again by whoever did it. Yeah.

We have this old drunk mechanic who can take care of business. It's like if your dad's like real tough, but like you want him in the. About a goon. We need like a goon president, right? He's got his finger on the turn it into a parking lot button. It's like, dude, if everything's fucked, we got to go get dad. But getting dad's your last resort. Yeah.

We need to start getting a vice president who's like, like, ask you mother. Yeah, burning man. Like in some weird, queer, poly relationship. You want an evil hippie vice president? No, I want someone so whacked out.

He has no idea what's going on. When you hit him with like a nuanced problem, he's like, oh, yeah, I thought about this last night. I asked him. We need like these chambers here.

And everyone's just screaming about this in front of a school. Like you sit him down. You're like, bro, what are we going to do? He's like, oh, obviously we need. And he comes up with a hole out of them because he's not touched into anything.

True. So he's a pure mind of just like chaotic psychedelic visions. And when you go to him with like, if you go to the, he's outside the box. Like if you're like, you know, we got a lot of potholes. He's not your man. Yeah. This would be like potholes. He has no idea how to pay.

He has no idea how to make a road. Would the whole street was pothole? Then they're not a problem. Well, we go get the old drunk where we're like, dude, hop off Twitter for a second. He's like, I was just about to send this meme about the difference between like boys and girls. It's like pop, pop, pop, slow down. Yep. We need you to level the ground real quick.

like it rained really hard in New Orleans and we don't know what to do yeah he's like oh you just got to get this like machine and clear all this shit up he's like rummaging through like hardware I got all the next to me I fucking told him it was coming then we just let him cut loose on Twitter all

the time yeah if you go on Twitter the president's obviously putting like bays and racist memes have he been classic blondes and FBI grinds we all just kind of put up with them as a globe yeah like yeah the president's old yeah when shit hits the fan, this guy fixed my roof in like

35 seconds. Then the vice press, you don't use them for that kind of stuff. No. So you're like, you know, we just got hit by two planes. You're like, yeah, let's not even tell him. Yeah, let's just, he'll go try. He's tripping. He's tripping. He's tripping. Don't mention it. You're going to fuck up his game. I don't know why we don't have. I've thought about this just having like completely split ticket. Whoever's the president,

you got to throw him the opposing party vice. That's what I'm saying. Get it. Yeah. It's dual. Maybe it doesn't need to be that extreme. Maybe they're just like that way with each other at all time. Like the whole, every press conferences are just like making faces at each other and shit. And then they're turning to talking and they go, whatever that

was. That's what I'm saying. It's such good television. That's all that matters. And then we have we'll probably get a Dem president next. You throw him with like a hard line. Any during his speech, you just watch it cut to the Republican vice president. He goes, yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Like mumbling shit. Yeah. Her my fucking wife say the same thing the other day. He's taking unflattering pictures. From like behind him at the podium. He's like, if we split those two offices, I think we could start making headway.

I think we could. Because then we could blame the vice. We could blame the press. Perfect. Rather than right now, we always end up with like an extreme version in the presidency. Well, have we even figured out who we can credit good and bad things to

because I still have never got a clear line. Every time a bad thing happens, it's like, well, yeah, obviously the last president fucked me. Yeah, but if it was two of them, be like, no, it was the vice president.

Like he was in a Khole. And that was his, idea. True. Just be like, boom, send them off. True. You'd have like Eric Trump next time and then like... I'm wondering, do you think the Trump family will become a political dynasty?

I don't think so. You think they'll fade out? His, I don't want to put smut on the office, but his sons are subhuman. What? Are you serious? None of the mob, dude. None of the mob. Barron's 6'8.

Yeah, but none of them have like good like... Oh, you're not hot enough. They're not hot enough, dude. strictly from a looks-max looks-max new perspective for sure what if they were to get upgrades I think it's I mean what if you're talking about like are you from Aaron my baron's got shot the other two they're Aaron has like an ice cold calculator president yeah no nonsense he's got a jaw never trust that's what I'm saying I can't trust a man who doesn't have king face are you that's what I'm saying you familiar king face I think I don't want to say anything bad about our president

but his sons are lacking the structure yeah a little bit of money You're thinking that you're saying in terms of the skeletal hierarchy. That's what we eventually lead to. So they all have a little bit of bunch of news. Newsom then I then I would. They all kind of have like the. Newsome from a looks-smacking perspective, I would say Newsom is a contender. Probably the odds on favorite.

Yeah. Looks maxing. I would say Newsom. I would, yeah, if we had to pick based on that, but these, Newsom's the most handsome. I think I've got paul's on myself, but like, Newsom I would say it's the most handsome contender. Ah, there's some of those DSA guys.

I'm personally not, you know, attracted to Islamic men. Yeah. It's just what it is. Yeah. It's not, I have nothing against him. But I can see how people.

You can see how handsome Menami is. Yes. You can envision a Hassan Piker presidency is what you're saying. I could use a little more Gialis. I could use a little wider chain on him as well. Yeah. But I like his gravely voice. I think it's kind of pop.

Like Eric Trump's what? Like six four. Is Eric Trump six four? Six, two. He's got to be up there. He's a tall man. Is he really? I don't know.

Eric, can we have a hike on the Trump sons? This Trump is? Yes, Trump's what, 6-3? He claims 6-3. True. Wait, what?

6-5. Eric Trump's 6-5? He's a big boy, dude. I can't even speak on that. All those dudes are big. I'm sub-human. I'm fucking 5-10. Yeah.

I can't speak on Eric Trump. A guy is 6-5. Hunter's got to be like... He was pretty tall. 8 soft. That's a different hierarchy. I don't know how you didn't bring that up when you interviewed him. I interviewed him.

I interviewed him. I interviewed someone who's a penis. I said. all. I didn't see it. I didn't see any of his naked stuff. How? I covered it like that. Hunter was stacked.

I heard. It was impressive. I heard people bring it up. It was the only thing I took away from. Really? Because I didn't look at the laptop because that's his business. Laptop from hell. True. I saw that. It was like, this isn't for me. I don't need this complex. True. I just, I did feel weird being like,

I don't want to go through. I'm again, I'm a, after reading the Russian... You're a privacy man. After reading the Russian classics, I mean, dude, reading another man's letter was shameful. If you caught a dude's letter

on the table, if you flipped it, it was so tempting because you would come to someone guy's office and he might be like passed out. It always ends poorly.

You could just flip his letter over and be like, what the fuck? But it was like very gentlemanly not to be like... Yeah, you don't want to read

another man's stuff. Never. I tapped down on a laptop once I saw the hog. I'm trying to design... That's kind of enough said. I'm trying to design AI porn filter

where he filters out any penis that's bigger than yours. Really? So every time you talk of a vid, you're like, it's kind of like the Texas porn technology, but it just you upload a pick and everything's a little smaller than you lose.

Dude, I've thought about this. I've thought about this so many times, and I guarantee it's been done. I have not pulled the trigger on this, and I don't think I ever will. How many dudes do you think have taken a picture of their boner, sent it to Grock, be like, yo, total honesty,

where do I stand in the global hierarchy? Grock will get soft on you. It'll be like, it's great. Not if you ask for total honesty. Really? Oh, dude. Try it when you go home. I'm not.

Post the results. I refuse. Dude, I refuse to take a picture of my own penis. Really? I've just never done it. I'm too old. I've never,

yeah, I've never got into the, the dick picture game. I've never even come close to it. And we're kind of, I've never once. I think we're dry snitching ourselves for not having an impressive hot. I'm dude,

I'm comfortable with my body. I'm 44 years old. That's why I've grieved. For sure. But like, I've gone through all the steps who grieves your corpse. But my problem is, dude,

Back when I was like 17, 18, I thought I had a third. Like I was pulling that shit out and being like fucking huge. The only thing compared to was my own dick pre-puberty. I know. So I'm like, yo, this thing was like a fucking baby goldfish. Now look at it. I thought I was splitting lives. I for real.

I just thought I play sports. I'm kind of cool. It naturally follows. I have like a massive. I used to put my leg up on. Sorry, I used to put my leg up on shit. Yeah, dude. During sex.

It was hammered up. I used to Captain Morgan out being like, yo. I remember the first time? Just let me know. Just let me know if it's too much. The first time I put a condo? Just tap me if it's too much. Yeah, I just tap my stomach and it doesn't fit, Dave.

That was my final Santa Claus. I for real was like... That is the final Santa Claus. Yeah. I'm Gucci. I thought I was for real, blessed out of your mind. And you're dealing with someone who's probably only seen.

your penis for the first, like, year. And they're just like, dude, that's huge. And the first time I ever put a condom, I'm like, I'm glad this fits. I can't even ice. Snugg as a globe. I remember, I mean, they're leaving that extra role, obviously, but that's just like, keep it all in. I remember putting it on a con and be like, I don't think I can even breathe in this. Fucked up.

Like, damn, I'm filling this. I thought they were supposed to be like shopping bags. And I'm like, this thing is fucking packed. And then it's slowly, it's the porn that slowly you're like, yeah, that's a crazy. That's a fucking freak. freak. It's a freak to what the fuck are these guys? And then like suddenly you're like, I've never watched medical audits. If I could filter, you can't even get off unless you see one. That's the bottom of poor when you're like not big enough. They're like, oh, fuck.

Come of size screen. Viewing size queen. If you're going to start snapping picks of it, don't do it hard. Because that's not the real. That's your tell. That's not the real measure either. The only, wait, what? Soft is your measure? Not even. soft, soft and stretched is how they measure your penis. Wait, hold up. Wait, how who's, hey, women? Like, have you fed to Grock?

No, I, I haven't, I haven't submitted myself yet. But they, they, they said it in the article about the guy with the world small as penis. The, the only clinical measurement for a man's soft and stretch. Flop it around a little. You grab the end of it and you yank it as hard as you can and then you mark it down. For real? That's cheap. That's who wrote the article.

Yeah. man with a small penis in the world. She's like, that's not how we should be measuring. Stretching. Stretch is great. I mean, my shit stretches.

That's like tipy toe. It's like going to get measured and tipy toe. No, tippy towing is when there's guys that read that there's penis behind the balls and under it. Which is true. That is true. But there are guys that have wrote that.

That's dark penis. That doesn't count. Half your penis inside your body. That's what, but that's the penis powering the penis. That's the mind of serial network. That's what girls are really. really feel what's inside.

Yeah. Dude, I, I want to get that shit out of me so bad. What, the dark penis? There's a ligament. There's a certain you can get where they caught the ligament and sort of like extent. I know. I've seen a cartoon, a rendering of the thing. You get a implant.

Himplant? Himplant. Yeah. What are you talking about? It's just like they slight, they like stretch you, slice you and they put like a rod in there that keeps you fucking maxed. I think like 98% people die. that guy.

Die heroes. You have to be so hurt to be like, I'm going to slice this thing open and put something in it. I mean, I can't even handle a ball trimmer getting near my balls. Really? Like, I can go around it, but I always end up with like a long, like, mystic beard. Did you ever cut your balls? They don't stop bleeding, dude. In Toronto, every arrival is a statement.

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for calendar year 2025 for the Cadillac definition of luxury. Guys, I have some shows coming up. These are, boy, these are big ones. Guys, please, October 23rd, I think that's next weekend. Atlanta, Georgia. I'll be at the Atlanta Symphony Hall. then the next night I'll be in Chattanooga, Tennessee, October 24th, and Atlanta, Georgia, that's a 23rd.

November, there's going to be a big little Florida run, 6th, 7th, and 8th, 6th, I'll be in Fort Lauderdale, then Tampa, then Orlando, Florida. That's, hey, man, that's three days in a row. That's, I'm rock. And then guys, please, for the love of God, Newark, New Jersey, this is just really killing me. November 20th, that's, that's, that's,

2800 Cedar that's really hanging over my head. Baltimore, Maryland, Columbus, Ohio, Cincinnati, San Diego, and Ball, Sacramento. Please come. Matt McCusker.com. You ever cut your balls? I've never cut my balls. Like self-harm?

It just makes me relax. Sugar warning, SW. I remember I was like trying to do and I had the buzzer. Are you ficking your balls? No, I took the like a while back. I took the guard off the trimmer. And went after it.

And it bites you. Yeah, it did. It bit me. Fucking dude, it bleeds. Your ball skin bleeds. It doesn't stop. I've never drew a little toilet paper square on it. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Lather it up. How close are you going? I was trying to go. I mean, this was just something in my partner wanted me. It was like some baby play.

Yeah, okay. Swimming a lot of the time. It was age play. It was age play. But no, I was, yeah,

remember I remember I had a weird phase where I was trying to like bick out, probably for size, honestly. Yeah, it's a max. I was maxing. I've never,

that's what I'm saying. Like, I'll get the trimmer down. And the closer I get to my balls, it's like a reverse magna. I'm like, no, no,

I'm saying to go and get it sliced open and get a rod dropped in and then closed and then you're just like huge. Yeah, I'm more than injectables personally. Botox, you put Botox and you'll get a nice flaccid size. This guy has a chill move. It's not bad. That's probably what Newsom's doing.

I think that might be Newsom's secret crutch. What? I think he might. Penile Botox? I think he might be. You think he's packing? He's got to be. He's shrived.

I think he's shrimp. I'm watching his mannerisms. I'm studying. I'm reading. That's fair. We should know that about the president. We should have dropping pants. Yeah. It's not a bad. You should be able to

download a fully accurate 3D model of them nude. Just spin it around like a fortnight skin. A nude debate would be fire. A new debate would be a stand up. It's like, what's up? Yeah. There's just two men like. Yeah, but they're going to cycle out and get all that shit put in. Those are the guys. They would get a, oh yeah, true. If you flick it, like yeah, it's a implant. He sliced the tendon. He's taking his dark penis.

Yeah, that's dark penis. You have fact checkers, that's actually 30% dark penis. He's the guy of thinking about. His sex bleeding. Is this shit I think about when I smoke cigarettes in the morning? So I'm literally dying to come up with that idea. I'm like, dude, he's actually good for my brain.

Then I'm like, we should have a weird hippie vice president and a racist president. And I'm like, put it out. My lungs kind of hurt. I'm like, that was worth it. Sick. I like your theory about nicotine. we missing the smoke break is there's something fucked up about that. It's fundamentally what's wrong with our society.

I think so. Native Americans used to think that tobacco was a gift from our ancestors and it would grow and our job was to pick it and then smoke it and send the smoke up to. So I think there's another part of that where like they're like, come on, bro, get up here. Get up here. It's fucking lit. Try his shit up here.

It's dry. You should ever smoke that fucking plant and get up here when you're like 60. Yeah. I think the other thing that cutting Sigs out's fucking up is it's keeping the boomers alive too long. Yeah, true. They're supposed to be spreading it out, but they're like 80 being like, I gotta go see my financial advisor.

It's like, give it up. I read an article of the average net worth of the boomer right now. What do you think it is? Like 80 million? 1.5 mil. Yeah. Average.

This is like you were a manager at Circuit City and you retire with a pension. You're worth 1.5 mil. Yeah. Was the average millennial. Negative. I didn't even see it. It's negative.

I'm reporting it. The average of millennials two pieces block. It's what? unfortunately. Yeah, it's, they got to spread the sauce for sure. But I'm saying that they just sound like a dirty commie, but the Sigs used to take care of it. I know.

It kept everyone balanced. Sigs and the booze. Now they're going to live longer. They're going to spend more in post retirement. There's not going to be enough left to give down to their children. Yeah, they're going to Brian Johnson out. They're going to spend like four million a year. You should get Brian Johnson on the pod.

Tried. What he said, no? What happened? Yeah, I tried. You got that autoimmune. I think he's been, he's fucked. Yeah. Well, a lot of people are fucking calling for his demise.

That's what happens. If you go online and say I want to live forever, the first comments like, die. Yeah. True. Especially the state, I got a tiny sample size of American health yesterday. And I was like, I'd be pissed. If I was in the emergency room, he was going,

ah! And there's a guy, be like, I think I'll live till I'm 300 and dunked at basketball at 70. I drank too much of my sons come trying to live forever. I need to see a doctor right now. Brian Johnson kind of fell off, though. He's getting right, bro. He's working on. But is he still trying to live forever?

Is he trying to beat an auto-unist? I'm gonna basketball right now. So right now, well, here's the... That's absolutely insane. He's trying to... I think I could beat him

in basketball. That's a good challenge. Just by looks alone. I can't whip his ass in basketball. I'm sure about that. I can't play basketball. I think I could be Brian Johns. You think you would just rough him up a little?

I think I could outlive him too. You probably, you might. I might. If the two of us sat down or like... He's calling a lot of fowls. Just so you know.

Yeah. True. Yeah, he probably was one of those like playing strictly by the book. Yeah, I played the other night. That's why I just thank God I got these fucking chairpants on. Yeah, your legs.

You got to give your legs around. I played. Did I play? There was a guy who was 60, must have been 65, 7 years old out hooping. I was like, dude, it was, it was wild. He could only do one-handed shots. So he would get the ball and just go. And he was fucking swishing him on.

Or his other arm. He just wouldn't, for some reason, he would do. Like, strolling? No, he was just old as fuck. He was just a fucked up shoulders. So he would just get the ball and just be like, just wing it. He beat you? You sure wasn't just stunting on you?

No, he would do. Like, I'd be with one of. arm. It was kind of fucked up because like loose balls. I was I was rebounding hard. We lost. We lost with two games. But not that it matters. Was he a white man? He's a white man. He was a white man. No, it's a good question. But he was, uh, I would, we were like bang bodies a little bit. And I'd be like, oh, bro, I'm so sorry because I'd go for the rebound. It got close. It was game point. I like, I like, I like, let me know if it's too much. Let me know if it's too much. Yeah. He tap your stomach. Yeah. But it was one of the, it was kind of like, oh shit. It was like,

Yeah, sometimes I'd like, I just take that, man. I don't want to, I don't want to bang any of that. That'd be terror. If I, like, was it one-on-one? No, it would be sick. That would be sick. Where do you go play ball with random strangers? My cord.

Right, I go right to shoot. Oh, yeah, you can go up there. I went there to shoot around. There was some two on two, and there's another guy we hit some three-on-three-on-three. It was my, I'm still fucked off. I was walking yesterday, like. It'll take it out of you. Fucking, it's concrete courts.

I'm dying. Can you dunk? Huh? Wait, when did Brian Johnson switch? I want to dunk a basketball. It was part of his regimen. But it was just like he's all about, he's, he claims, this is going to piss you off. He claims to be heart, have the most nocturnal erections.

I saw that chart. He hooked up like a boner thing. He also claims that his girlfriend has the top zero zero one percent of vagina flora or something. Yeah, I know. Posted his chest like swab. That's crazy. He's also squishing her. Do you see that?

He got on the girlfriend squishing. When he like lays on her? Yeah. Yeah, I heard that. It's like, if you lay on her for like, it like releases off. oxytocin and blah, blah, blah. Also, do you ever get in the world of like 30 minutes of eye contact with your wife before bed?

There's like, I try to get my wife to do it. She won't do it. Yeah. She won't look me in the eyes. It's like way too much regret. And like, she can't do it.

Well, he's like, look me in the eyes and she's like, no. Yeah. Well, see it for 30 minutes. So you guys both feel awesome if you did it.

So you stare at each other's eyes. 30 minutes for a bed. In silence. Yeah. I'm going to try to do this. It's apparently say you get flooded with oxytocin and like, she won't do it. Yeah, my bail.

I can't get her to do anything after like 730. I'm like, yo, I, you ever like tell your wife like some like heavy shit? And then she'll just be like, when is, when does that one bill come out for like,

go? And you're like, yeah, all the time. I'll be like, I'll be like, dude, I've just figured this out.

I'm like, I've like been doing this forever. And like this. And I think like, but the kid should do that. And she'd be like, when does Guyco come out the 15th? I'm like,

you're like, I'm kind of, uh, revealing something right now. Yeah. And I think, I really don't want to go over the Google calendar. Yeah.

It's just her, it's like her rip cord to get out of it. I've bradded out in that situation. I don't want to look at options on Amazon for anything right now. That's okay. I've been like, okay, so you're not even listening to what I'm just like,

no, no, no, tell me. I just take it as well. That's bait, though, by the way,

as soon as she's like, I'm not even going to tell you, you're like, yes, but you're like, I'm saying me, I'll be like, no, I'm flipping the script or I'll be like,

I was actually telling you something. So you're like, I'm not doing. Your wife maxing. Yeah. It does not work. I tried that for the first like three years of my marriage to like act like she does to show her how bad it is. It doesn't work.

Does not work. You cannot do it. I'd be like, can you just put this somewhere? Like I'm so sick of looking at this. She'll be like, what are you doing? Like I'm showing you like what you did. She's like, fuck off. And you're just like, damn, I thought that was like a master plan.

If I show you how bad it is when you bother me about what I left. I try. I'm reading, uh, I'm reading Anna Karina. by Tolstoy right now, he talks about it. It's age old. It's age old. He's the guy, there's this one character, Levin, who, like, he's trying to get married to this chick, this young chick, kitty.

And he, like, proposes, he gets bested by his rival, Vronsky, a military man. And eventually the Vronsky's just a young playboy. He just shatters, you know, poor Kitty's heart. And eventually, I don't want to, no spoilers, but they can join Levin and Kitty. Levin's a humble farmer. They finally can join. And he's, like, so blissful. And then he goes through, like, the first three months of marriage.

and like the shit she's doing to him. And he's just kind of like, I can't comprehend why she puts the importance on the matter she puts on it. It's mind-boggling. But I try to be kind. And dude, it's so...

It's like an age-old problem. It's just like a gentleman. This is like a Russian gentleman, smartest dude ever. And apparently that book, Anna Karina is the most autobiographical of Tolstoy's works. He really kind of was vulnerable.

He was like... Did he stay married to her? I'm not done your book yet. Oh, day. He probably did. Back then he didn't, like, get divorced. Like... Not if you're Anna Karina.

Wait, is Anna Kriena his babe? Anna Kriena is the lady The book's named after. She was, she's not a faithful wife, dude. There's a hard cucking. He's a cuckold. The husband's a cuckold.

Damn. Husbands are a cuckold to a young military brash. So he's like, does he participate in the cuckoldry? I don't want to spoil. I don't want to spoil. Is he an enthusiast? Well,

the guy, he's like, wait, wait, I don't want to give it away, but does the old Chad boyfriend come back and show him a thing or two? I don't know. Well, No, no, that Chad's a young man.

The old guy is like an elderly statesman who has a hot wife. Not, not like hot wife, but he has a hot young wife. Well, technically he did have a hot wife and cuckoldry aren't exactly. They're not the same thing. He has a world. He has a young story. He knows this, but that's why he wrote the book. So I'm not a cuckling.

I'm a hot wife. No, but back, back then, apparently in like high society, it was like cool to have affairs. Like, guys for sure. Still is. You keep like, yeah, true. Guys, you keep a ballerina. And you're like, it's start. The book starts with this one character getting caught cheating on his wife.

Anna Krina comes in on in like a coach. And he calls, he calls Anna like, please make my wife not be bad at me. Just have a girl talk. So he's getting cucked. And he calls Anna Krena to say, I got to have to read the books.

It's so many characters. It's, dude, the rush, welcome to the Russian masters. There's two, their books are really alive, a lot of characters.

But the book starts with this guy. He's, everyone works in the, they're all like high ups at work in the government that have like absolutely nothing, meaningless jobs. So he's just, like, this guy's out. And he, like, fucks the, like, the French maid in his house.

And his wife finds out. And the dude is like, he's like a good, humored guy. So when his wife finds out that he cheated, he just, like, unconsciously smiles. He goes, and smiles at her. And she's like, you, she gets really mad to the fact that he smiles during that time.

And he's like, and they're all grappling with, like, scientific thoughts. So he goes, that was an unconscious reflex, no doubt. There's no, nothing I could have done about that. What he finds out his wife cheating? No, he cheated on his wife. His wife finds out. And he smiles at her.

He smiles. And she confronts him with the evidence of it. He was writing her like horny letters. Ooh. And she's never read a gentleman's letter. But she confronts him with his horny letters. And he goes, ha, ha, capital or like whatever. And that starts with a big move too.

What? It's a good move. It is a sick move. I always laughed when I got in trouble. I might be a Russian minister. Exactly. So it starts with a guy getting caught cheating. Guy gets caught.

brushed off kind of like, hey, thanks Anna, like come chill my wife out. Please, sister. I beg you. Come chill out my cuck queen. Anna basically like level up my cut queen. Please let this chick know that this is cool what I'm doing. And so she comes, talks his wife off a ledge. And on the way to do that, she meets the young military upstart, Vronsky.

I mean, total gentleman. But, you know, he just things to be desired about him. But he meets Anna, falls in love with her and he cucks her husband. And it sets off a chain reactions. As it does. Yeah, it's, they really do a good job spelling that out. But they produce a bastard daughter. or what do you call that?

A bitchling, I believe. A bitchling? So they produce, but this guy is like a high level politician. He's getting cucked. So every, every, he's like trying to introduce bills and all the other guys are like,

kind of like laughing at him. So he got phase two cucked. He got like, he got like, truly cuckled it. And Anna starts to almost die in the childbirth. True cucks know that the sneering

is actually part of it though. Being denigrated like that by your peers. True. I'm more than a worm, that kind of stuff. True, but the other. True cucks. True. True.

What does, the cuckoldry sets off a spiritual, like, awakening in this elder statesman. He called, because then when his wife's almost dying in childbirth, the lover's there, the young lover's there who was supposedly forbidden from the house,

but he went anyway. It's a very passionate guy. He couldn't handle it, so he's covering his face as a woman's laying dying, and the cuckleded husband pulls his hands away from his face and says, you must look. And the guys,

and the guy is so, upset that he gets like he's like, Dan, the husband's fucking poning me. I thought he was the cut. Yeah. Now you're a fucking death cook.

The husband's, the husband death cuts him. Death is your bull. The husband. Sitting that fucking chair and watch her die. Ultimate bull. Dude. The Russian masters are,

I'm telling you, they're the best. There's nothing more powerful than death. I'm a dead wife. I'm a dead wife. He totally dead wife. Yeah. you think that shit's cool pulls his hands apart

and he kind of like melts. She has a skull tattoo and a dace of space. Yeah, that's wild. I was reading it in the hospital last night. Damn, it's so nice though. Your wife hasn't got to ask me like, well, I've got six hours of literature to read. So, not my problem. Bring the Russian masters. I'm leaving the cousin.

The nurses come in. I fucking leave the cover down. I'm like, still still a deal. Yeah. A lot of people are, you know, war in peace. Would you periodically check up to see everyone notice you reading it? Every time. Every time I would lay it down, I'd go, slide it forward. Dominus, if you need me. I'm here. Just you're reading some of the Russian class. Tolstoy,

Dosyeski's novels a lot more alive and frenetic, but Tolstoy is just a lot. It leaves a lot off the page. It's really kind of the impression. Like, sir, your wife's dead. You're like, oh, fuck. And I go like this? Reading it at the funeral. As it would unfold. Yes, death comes for us all. Yeah, it's dude.

I love reading just like gentlemen of old talk to each other. It's so fucking funny. You can glean a lot from it. I do, I do. Sayings if someone gets angry, you just go, Jupiter, you're angry, therefore you are wrong. I don't know what that means, but that's fucking say. With the original you mad.

That's you mad for sure. Deal with it. Oh, you big mad. Yeah, that's, uh, That book is sick, dude. Those Russian books are unbelievable. I don't know when I'm going to read down here because I used to read in the winter.

Maybe the dead of summer? Yeah, dead of, just before bedtime. Every night before I go to bed. I kiss my wife. Every gentleman is supposed to, the kid, you're supposed to go to your study. You go to the study. You go to the study.

The fact that we're not hitting the study before bed, you're supposed to study every single night. You had to sell. Okay. It's got a gaming chair in it. It's got a secret labs, Titan Evo, XL. I'm not bragging. It's just what's in my study.

And Dead Souls? Isn't that a video game? Dark Souls. Dark Souls. How I'm thinking of Dead Souls, it's Google. It's one of like the precursor to Dosieski. I lost my study moving down here. Did you really? We were in like a shoebox. It's like every corner there's like storage. Okay, dude. We go read and smoke sigs in the car. You need to just wipe out your living room, put a giant writing desk in there. Okay. It's just candles. It's not a bad idea. Big all. What is it? What is it? Fribless woman?

Papa. What is it, frivolous woman? Just separated with a curtain, take half of the half of the space. Here we are. Also very Russian. It's true. Back in the day, you would even have a room, you'd have a corner. So you would live in, like, there would be, like, just an efficiency.

And it wouldn't be a room. You would just have one corner that would be like your setup over there. And everyone, you're like, kids would be like there. And you'd be like, fuck you guys doing over there. It's not bad. That might be a good setup. Corners are nice. I'll bring this up when I go home.

The corner is show or chat GBT of my new setup. And it's the only way she'll comprehend. I'll be like, look, I chat, You teed my study in the room. She's like, oh, that makes sense. AI, please, we have to. That's the one. I'm not worried about it killing us at all.

I'm worried about my wife having all that information at her hands. Oh, yeah. Or just like the ultimate, no, you're wrong. Yeah. I looked it up. Yeah, I have. I pay 30 bucks a month and it knows everything you don't know. And you can't argue with it.

Dude, you know what actually fucked me up to think about? So Crohn's disease is on the rise. And if you have Crohn's, you're like 30% more likely to have an episode of incontinence. You shit your pants. So my thinking is if Crohn's is on the rise. And as you get older, your chances of shitting yourself go up. But with that multiplier of Crohn's disease rising, we're

going to have way more elderly incontinence. So we're going to get to an age where we're like probably like jacked off of like testosterone and fucking, you know, peptides. In diapers? With fucking like AI customized just like tapped into the mega mind

but while like shitting ourselves. Jesus. We'll be like Beethoven's fifth symphony. All the top hits combine them. Oh, it's beautiful. And it's like You're like pissing your pants. Pissing and shitting yourself. Our stomach's going to be fucked up. But you're in like peak physical condition.

Yeah, your shell's going to be nice. Your shell's going to be nice, but we'll have allergies to every food group. So we'll just be like, please combine. What does synthesize the works of them with? Yeah, everyone's going to be like a private Tony Stark with Jarvis. And it's going to be like Jarvis, make me a steel suit that takes the diarrhea that comes out of me and repurposes it. You're going to be wearing like a lush garden suit that's going to be fertilized by the diarrhea that the suit scoops directly out of your cheese. weeks.

While you listen to fucking classical music and watch a movie that's being made for you on the spot. Yeah. Based on your interests that day. You're just dumping out the whole time. You'll pause a movie and be like, uh, uh, the protagonist is kind of watered down. We add a little bit of that. Oh, fuck. That's the one thing we don't be able to drive.

It was making his penis slightly smaller with mine. Yeah, I was trying to get hard numbers on it. And I was, oh, what? The Crohn's disease up by him? The Crohn's. I was trying to. Colon. The what?

Mechanical colon. Yeah, that'd be nice. Take it off. Take it off my plate. I don't ever want to think about pooping again. Also, yeah. Yeah.

Dude, you should have it to wear. A carbon fiber butt that stores the stools. I don't even want to feel it when I shit anymore. I like a sewer cap kind of. It's on your butts. You're like shitting. You're going about your day. You're like shitting.

And it's just stopping at the cat. And then like every three days you just unscrew it. It falls out. You screw it back up. Just go about your day. This will be a second pump at the gas station. You just turn around them back into the Tesla charger. And it sucks all your shit.

Take your plug out. Future's bright. Huh? Future's looking bright. I think it'll rock. I think everyone's bad. Taking dumps off the table and save so much time. Yeah.

But then it's like that's something's going to happen. Like it's same thing. Self-shitting ass. But if you, I think if you remove the just like whatever is going on those like, like the biological mechanism of like like shitting, it's going. going to affect our person. If we stop shitting our personalities,

we're going to get so... Bro, we're getting rid of sleep. We're getting rid of shitting. It's going to be just come. We're not probably going to eat anymore. We probably won't jack. Jack, like actual expelling fluid is probably like, yeah. Like mechanical masturbation. Yeah. Your norrilling's going to know what signals to send to your brain to make it feel like you're coming. You're going to crank that to 10 and leave it on all day.

It's going to, there's going to be like a warning. You're going to have to click okay on a warning that says like only use this like once or twice a day. Like probably right before you go to work and then right before you go to bed. and you're going to just jam at the 10 and break the handle off and just never stop feeling it. Yeah. Just shitting all of yourself and combing everywhere you go. Dude, I'm praying a guy of Eugene Levy's

watching this. He's talking about auto shitting and coming. I can't find anything to latch on to for views. Oh, I forgot where we were. I don't believe in auto shit. Takes on being hooked up the fuck machines 24-7. Scoot with a scoop on it.

Watching the whole thing. Has had to watch every word of this thing. They're going to address it at some point. I mean, that'd be nice to have a fuck machine scoop. So it just reaches up and it's like, and it's just pulling shit out. You sit down to podcast and they just talk about auto coming and cuckoldry

and Russian masters coming everywhere and shit and come. It's crazy you can't offend anyone by talking about how you want to auto poop into machines. But it is the most offensive thing you can talk about. Yeah. I wish they didn't have to poop anymore. machines pulled come out of me. I mean, people probably look to toilets. That's offensive to humanity.

People who are looking at toilets with the same horror. The same horror. Being like, I'm just going to shit in your house. Would we you eliminate the bathroom from the house? Now you've got an extra, what, 20 square feet?

Yeah, and it jacks the budget up because bathrooms are expensive as fuck. That's the biggest, it's the worst project you'll have besides the kitchen in the entire house. Yeah, kitchens are done, dude. Feed tube. There's going to be two tubes coming out of a wall

in your efficiency. There's going to be a top tube that you suck the goo out of and there's a bottom tube that sucks the goo out of you and you just stand in front of

it nude with an erection or soft and stretched. You look at your watch like, oh, I have to come. Oh, I have to eat. Oh, I have to poop. Yeah, a thing

in the back of your head is going to buzz and it's going to go time to stand by the tubes. Yeah. And then you're going to pause that. You're going to step in front of the TV and just like watch the news and like,

brother fuck, son of a fucking son of a bitch, fuck dog. It's the alarm. Like, get mad. Jarvis. Upload my thoughts. Jarvis now.

Here's your pre-ramble. We already wrote it for you. You know what offends me? When I see reactions online, I go, reactions the basis form of thought. I would even say thought. I would say,

I would say it's but a precursor. Reacting is like reptilian. Frogs can react. As a human, as a man. As a man, I don't react. I meditate.

That's what all humans should do. If you're reacting really quick to the thing, It's absolute base behavior. Like a news story? I would never sink myself to such a vile depth. I... And then to go so far as to broadcast your reaction.

Dude, seriously. That's its own little death. Dude, it's for real. Toy story talks about... Toy story talks about that or whoever. As a gentleman, I mean, look, there's, there are, you know, there's fortunes to be made to glean the surface of thought, but...

It's definitely. I require... It's a thin atmosphere in which I cannot even breathe. I require, you know, truth, earnestness. It's a low great energy source. Truth, earnestness. Presence. Passion, presence.

That's like the elements that make up the air we breathe. For me personally, I can't. New games. Star Wars movies. Well, dudes, we did it, man. Let's slide in the motherfucking pack. Oh, yeah. Thank you for having me.

Thank you guys. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Spotify. Do it.