Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Fueled By Hate

Episode Date: May 12, 2020

OMFG Shane just got in a car accident on the way to Best Buys to get a cord for the X Box! He's okay tho. Car's a little jacked up. Matt's planning a wedding at the local armory and is also suffering from upper thoracic back pain (not his first time.) The two gather and talk about Matt's Patriotic 2020 wedding, Industries ruled by female desire, Shane's basement behavior, and MORRRRRREEEE!!! Watch the Video: https://youtu.be/c_AUvix7fpM Support the D.A.W.G.Z: https://www.patreon.com/MSsecretpod

what up dude we live yes we on this motherfucking thing yes this shit out there we go all right there we go we're full screen what's up bro chilling man straight up fucking chilling yeah dude quarantine sucks yeah i'm starting to uh just chilling dude i had this is the first time i've not been rolling around yeah it's tough since the quarantine started this is the first time i've been in a spot that wasn't party time oh yeah you you really are you're a fish on land right now i am dude no booze since i left stanhope's any beers with your dad i tried to i had one glass of cranberry vodka during the actually it was vodka soda the splash of cranberry during the uh ufc fight i was i was excited yeah to it to get that going and then i had one glass and i was just like all right i'm not drinking yeah i mean what's your do you get hammered at family

parties or how do you feel about that i did when i was younger like back when it was like i was excited to be drinking with the adults yeah and now now like half my family like can't drink anymore they're all alcoholic geezers so they all had to some of them stopped yeah now it's just it's not as fun no every time i get like drunk enough at a wedding i end up just like seeing one of my uncles also drunk and like talking i'm also like i'm usually kind of stoned enough to where i'm talking to them and i'm like this is fucking weird but i'm drunk so i'm just like yeah man you know what fuck this i was be talking about like whatever at a wedding at a wedding i will black out i will turn up at a wedding dude yeah i'm gonna black out at

wherever you decide to have your little shindig dude i mean we are planning a very patriotic wedding right now please dude how about that fucking flag that's the original that thing's wild it's well yeah we're planning at the armory so it's like i mean full support of the troops and everything i will wear i will wear my west point uniform i'd expect nothing less it might be it might be the theme might be stolen valor we might all get like a white navy fucking suit for your oh dude it's a crisp white for your yeah you could you could have a stolen valor wedding that would be so that's a fucking good idea stolen valor wedding would be like everyone go the cocktail hours as you go to various bars and get a free drink and then use report oh this is a good idea bar crawl stolen valor bar crawl oh my god that'd be so funny that's basically exactly what the boob boys

are doing all of them are dressed up like call of duty characters like i saw a picture of this dude with like a rocket launcher at subway yeah dude it's just like dude everyone's just dressed up like the loading screen in call of duty where it's like five dudes like walking around with like fingerless gloves and an M 16. It's like, all right, knock it off. The rocket launcher. That's an interesting, uh, yeah. The rocket launcher is interesting for people who would be like, people are like, you can't have bump stocks. I might need a bump stock. If someone rolls in with a rocket launcher, there's like, dude, dude.

And they're like, I, I might have to take down a black Hawk. Yeah. I mean, I, I didn't know that that was remotely legal. Carrying a rocket launcher? Yeah. How can you even, I can't, apparently you can't have a pocket knife in New York City. How can that guy roll around with a fucking bazooka? I guess once you have a bazooka, though, the rules do change.

True. As soon as you have a bazooka, it is legal. You have an arrest warrant. They just see you bought a bazooka though the rules do change as soon as you have a bazooka it is legal you have an arrest warrant they just see you bought a bazooka that guy's innocent he can do whatever he wants now he has a bazooka very isis-y to walk around with like stinger missiles i saw the bazooka and i was like all right man i forgot how much i loved stinger missile videos. Oh, them just fucking shooting them and falling over? What, a guy just rolling down a dune after he shoots a stinger? Or it's just a missile falls out the back of a rocket launcher. They all have to run.

No, the fucking stinger missiles that are attached to the wire that they can control. What? I think that's what a stinger missile is. I could be wrong. I thought a stinger was the one they shot and it had like a like a missile head out of not like a fat bazooka but like a skinny bazooka there's one that's like on a tripod that is attached to a wire it looks like it's attached to a cord that the missile is actually controlled what and it i read dude i used to watch these videos at helium like before we'd go on it would

and you can always see like the missile like slowly like hit a group of people like enough that they have time to like see it coming yeah oh fuck i'm thinking what are the things called where the people hold them on their shoulders and they fucking fire insurgents oh these are like the insurgents they always have the r RPGs. Is that what that is? Yeah. I mean, I'm trying to think what it actually is called. I don't know. Whatever. All of our alt-right listeners are going nuts right now.

That's a fucking J-12 Javelin. You don't even fucking know. Dude, someone reached out to me and was like, actually, dude, I support everything besides you guys can't make fun of Boog Boys. And it's like, dude, come on. Come on. They're funny. They boog boys and it's like dude well come on they're funny they're funny and it's well yeah yeah it's just funny they're like that's actually they're not antifa it's like yeah they are dude they're jacked antifa they're antifa that aren't total pussies but they're all still you know still retarded guys fucking anti-bra anti-bra dude yeah i mean it's uh did you hear about the dude who the venezuelan

guy that might be a false flag might be a couple fucking boog boys going wild no what is this dude there was a so the president of venezuela who apparently is like a socialist dictator which is funny how you know i will say briefly that socialism does find its way into some pretty bad place like every time like dude seriously it works i'm like all right there's some good models and there's venezuela it's funny starving under a socialist regime like no dude we're sharing everyone's like dude we're we don't we don't have anything so yeah they always point to like scandinavia yeah like look at that and like, well. A couple of watchmakers. Dude, the – no, there was an amphibious attack.

Quote claims there was an amphibious attack on the Venezuelan president. They said they were trying to oust him. Really? There was – dude, there was – he said he found two American soldiers, and then there was like they went and – it's actually really funny. So apparently there's a group, a group basically like the movie extract that goes around and does private you love the movie extract dude i didn't think it was real apparently the movie extracts real and their next target private work like like blackwater well this guy has a website being

like yeah exactly but there's this firm started up being like hey governments if you want to like you know uh instill democracy you can hire us and we'll instill democracy for you basically saying like we will we correct injustice if you pay us there's something there's some weird ass website so there's a guy so basically the venezuelan president came out with all these dudes rounded up he's like all these motherfuckers just try to attack me i killed a bunch of them here's two americans here's their uh here's their passports donald trump uh like you know organized an attack on me because america put out a bounty on this guy on the venezuelan president america did put out a bounty on him saying like we'll give you guys i

forget what it is like 20 million dollars to like bring us this dude so like if you capture the president of venezuela what america will give you money they do they put i mean they fucking takash 69 put the hit out on like they did like he did fucking uh what's his name keith it's so sick to put out like it's it's always funny when you see like a bounty on somebody that's still like you're getting paid like a backup quarterback it's like holy shit dude if i turn in the warlord in my village that's been beheading all my friends and family i get to get paid like the backup quarterback for the carolina panthers i can also

make second string nfl money yeah exactly and i think it is something like that it's like they offer like 20 mil for this in the middle east they'll literally they'll be like 10 grand for dude hook them up a little just be like everything's free if you do this we're gonna send you to america and everything's free a year supply of pizza yeah dude they get like half court shot rewards like we'll give you a fucking mazda but you gotta pay the taxes we'll tax you 40 on it yeah the um yeah man so they went for this guy also okay so the government and the cia are claiming like dude we had nothing to do with this but there was an amphibious attack so these dudes pulled up on venezuela soil trying to go get this guy and the way they pulled it so

the whole thing foiled america's like yo we had nothing to do with it some dude apparently from florida was like yo i did that some guy he's the next he's like that was me he's like so he apparently was going around to everyone being like we got to get these guys out because now venezuela has two americans to kind of barter with and like now america has to go get them i think that we should leave those dudes there well they're they're apparently if they were if they were mercenaries leave them there operation gideon dude they're apparently – If they were mercenaries, leave them there. Operation Gideon, dude. They're there to free the Venezuelan people. And what they did, according to this guy, one of the –

there's like nine people they interview. But there's the dude – I forget his name. But he was the one who said he organized it. There's two people who got captured. Then there was the guy they think that the guy who claimed he did it was actually working for. It was like a drug lord or a guy who got arrested on drug charges. He was like working with the United States.

But what they allegedly did was went into like Venezuela, like poor Venezuela, like towns where we were like pissed off with the leader. And we're like, yo, we're part of Donald Trump's secret army. You guys went in apparently like a hundred Venezuelans were like, fuck yeah,

dude, that's how I would do. I would join. It was like, yo, I'm with a secret army it's trump's secret army dude and they were like who trump like yeah dude fucking uh from that show like oh fuck yeah dude yeah i remember that let's go get our let's go get this guy's fucking head so then apparently but they're also calling it could be they're like a lot of people are being like it's a venezuelan false flag because the guy wants to keep lockdown so they're saying like dude they're like okay so somehow venezuelan false flag because the guy wants to keep lockdown so they're saying like

dude they're like okay so somehow venezuela's in lockdown yeah they're in covid lockdown really people are saying which is weird associated press is like yeah well venezuela might be wanting to extend their lockdown just to kind of take advantage of their citizens anyway wear your mask and it's like yeah yeah yeah all right man anyway we're gonna push ours to july it's like wait why yeah i'm not gonna we're not gonna get don't even get me into it don't even get me started but yeah that was don't get me started that was funny man the uh the idea of an unplanned amphibious it doesn't make sense that there was just these random dudes who were like all right we're gonna go capture the leader it's fucking like a pineapple express it's like these dudes yeah they're like

we're gonna go capture a leader of venezuela and they just like i guess took a boat from florida and just like landed up but they said that he was like the security on venezuela's border exactly apparently the operation gideon got infiltrated by the venezuelan regime so they knew it was coming so they were just ready do we suck does america just suck are we are we north korea like we can't even fucking do anything we can't even fuck up venezuela i think i think this was a venezuela venezuelan false flag or it could have been a botched cia operation but again the cia would have fucked they would they'll buttfuck that guy if they if they want him i don't know i think they fucked up in cuba too the little bay of pigs action i think they tried to do this we've tried to do this and failed a couple times which is so gay dude it's like just

just win get it win if you don't get embarrassed and get captured yeah for real dude just some dude dressed like in like a tropical fucking dictator outfit as a gun to your head on TV. You suck. Yeah, man. The guy looks exactly like he looks like the guy who's the president or whatever. Venezuela looks exactly like a drug lord. And he's all. Yeah, he's just dressed like they're all dressed like like like they're selling liquor on it in a television commercial, like some sort of like coconut rum.

Yeah, he's definitely like fat guy in charge territory. That rules. It's sick, dude. It's really fucking sick. They're always fat guys with like Gaddafi kind of guy. Gaddafi was like he started getting fat, and he was pretty awesome, I think, when he was fat. Think about living in a society where that's swag.

You get like fat, and people are like, yo, whoa, careful. Yeah, you get fat. You get some aviators put on just you never served in the military you just toss on a full military uniform and you're just like i'll fucking kill everybody here yeah the president was running military after they captured like the two americans and the hundred defectors they just did military drills and the president was there literally wearing the outfit you're describing like a dark green shirt and aviators just standing there being like oh one two let's do a major pain voice now everybody do a roll do a roll real quick nice that'll scare them yeah it's like uh it's like baseball coaches wearing the uniform so you don't play why you don't have to dress like a

fucking dickhead yeah i never thought about Baseball coaches need to knock that off. What do you think a baseball coach should wear? I don't know. Let's say every other coach wears just like a polo. Yeah. A coach's polo. Or like, if you want to be classy, get like a suit. They don't got to go full NBA.

NBA is like a suit because they're indoors. Yeah. We can go football. Yeah. You can wear a hoodie. It'd be more appropriate than a full uniform. Wearing, like, baseball pants. Yeah, especially, like, if your team's doing some goofy throwback day.

You've got to dress in the same uniform. It is kind of weird. It is odd. And there's always been jokes about that. Like, if NFL – like, Andy Reid had to had to wear like a full fucking skin-tight NFL Chiefs uniform for no reason. Yeah, especially when like you're – whenever someone plays football who's like not really in shape, they're like butt always –

like the pads always come up out of the butt kind of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, well, I had that. I had a flat butt. Yeah, dog ass. I looked like a fucking idiot. You had a German cover. I had love handles and a fucking Hank Hill ass.

Just a flat line. Your hip pads just start popping up out of the sides. Oh, I never wore a girdle, dude. I was a bad boy. Really? I never wore those hip pads. That's pretty sick, actually. That'll make you move.

And then I got caught. I got caught before a game. One of the refs came up and was like, where's your hip pads? And they made me go change in the locker room before the game. I was spazzing. I got caught before a game. One of the refs came up and was like, where's your hip pads? And they made me go change in the locker room before the game. I still have dreams about it. About getting made to change? Yeah, that's the dream.

It's always like I'm about to play in a football game, and then I forgot my helmet or I don't have a pad or something like that. Never actually play in the game. How stressed were you when the guy was like, go back and get your stuff on? I was pretty stressed because I just remember my coach being like, what the fuck? I was like a captain.

It was at coin toss. Like I was out at midfield and the guy was like, you're not wearing any pads. Go put those on or you're not allowed to play. I was like, all right. I had to run across the field. I had to go through there. Our locker room was in between their sideline. You had to run through the tunnel. I had to go through there. Our locker room was in between their sideline.

You had to run through the tunnel and everyone was like, boom. Yeah, it was like, you fucking loser. Yeah. How fast did you run? There's no way. I was very self-aware how stupid I'd look if I sprinted. Yes, sir. It was definitely like a lazy jog and probably an argument. I probably lipped off to the ref, dude.

Probably mouthed off. You think you lipped? I was just like, pussy. Wait, Big Phil there? Bitch ass. Yeah, he was there. How did that play out? What did he think about the whole thing?

Phil didn't say much during the games. He would stand at the top of the bleachers with his arms crossed. He would stand in the top row and just. Dude, there were times he would go to pray. He would watch practice. What do you really, he would park in the parking lot and watch football practices. Damn. Yeah. That's pretty tight. It actually is pretty swag. He would just go out there and dip and watch football practice.

That's probably just trying to get out of the house. I was just, I was just thinking that I'm like, see if my son's a pussy or not going to watch practice for a couple hours. It's a good argument too. Just be like, I gotta go. I gotta go thinking that. I'm like, that's a good... He's probably just like, see if my son's a pussy or not. Got to watch practice for a couple hours. It's a good argument, too. Just be like, I got to go watch practice. It's like, do it right now? I have to. I need to see it.

I have to. Oh, I got big news for you. I just got in a car accident right before this. Dude, so did Ajax. Really? Yeah, but sorry. What happened? I was...

So this truck... All right. So the more embarrassing part is what i was doing i was going to buy a cord from best buy for my xbox 360 so i could play ncaa 14 no doubt so i borrowed my mommy's car to drive to best buy to get a video game cord and a truck hit me an 18 wheeler hit her car what well so i pulled up next him, and he was taking a right turn, an illegal right turn. There was literally a sign that said no right turns for trucks.

Yeah. At a red light. So I figured he was turning left because he was already kind of in the left part of the lane because he was giving himself room to take a right. I didn't know that. No turn signal. Yep. Just sitting there.

I pulled up inside of him because I was going to turn right on red, and all of a sudden he just starts driving. i was like yo yo yo yo and i i didn't think he would i was like laying on the horn like bro i'm right here and then he just smashed the fuck out of the car like slowly while i was in the car just like it up. And I was just sitting there like, fuck, dude. Fuck, stop. Fucking windshield cracked in half. I was like, oh, shit, stop. Did they come file a report?

No, the cops didn't come because of the cronies. The cops were like, yeah, well, are you all right? Is the car drivable? I was like, yeah. They were like, all right. Well, the only thing we would do is exchange information. So if you guys do that, you don't need us. And I was like, all right. Did the driver the driver accept responsibility no he was this little dude he's a

little short fat guy from mississippi he ruled he ruled he got out of his truck and was he he wasn't like he was like all right you call the authorities i'm gonna back the truck up because my car was stuck under the truck you fast and furious i tried to fast and furious in the crv in my mom's crv and he had to he had to reverse to get me out and it just shattered the car again like he had to slowly basically he hit me twice just slowly creaking up on the side of this oh fuck yeah and then uh i was like you didn't have a turn signal on right like i'm pretty sure you did not have a turn signal on and he was like no comment sure you did not have a turn signal on. He was like, no comment. I was like, all right. I mean, I'm not being accusatory.

I just want to make sure I'm not. I mean, there literally was a sign that says, trucks cannot make a right turn. Dude, he pleaded the fifth wheel. He pleaded the fifth wheel big time on me. Yeah, it was – No comment. I felt bad.

I didn't want to fucking fuck this guy i'd be like you know he's a truck driver he was degenerate dude he's probably at the stop he's probably just at the stop right now someone probably just was like i'm gonna cut your fucking head off and he's like he did go on red he tried to make a very wide right turn on red he might literally i pulled up and then a second later, he started driving. Like, I was just parked next to him. Jesus. Where's the car? It sucked.

The car's in the driveway now. Oh, so you were able to drive it off. Yeah, I drove home and then told my parents what happened, and then I was like, Dad, I need to borrow your car. I drove it to Best Buy to get that cord. He's like, you're not taking my fucking car. I was like think i'm gonna crash twice you didn't even crash someone just the guy i know some guy just yeah but no phil was like no that's my livelihood you can't take my car i was like i'm not gonna yeah i'll be extra extra careful this time if your car crashes so wait if your car crashes

you're just done with life like your your job's over if you don't he's like i'll get a rental car and i'll be like all right if i crash two cars in one day i'll get you a rental car i will get you dude if i would crash my dad's car i would have ubered to best buy oh you needed this cord i needed the cord more than anything what cord is it it was just a so my parents have a there's no tv that this xbox will plug into they just had a flat screen sitting in this office their old tv that was in the living room has just been sitting in a room unplugged but they lost the power cord so it's just been sitting there for like two years i asked because i got a hookup i have an x a very old xbox i got a hookup so i can do my dance games but i need i'm missing a cord i don't know which cord it is so i'll figure that

out yeah you gotta you gotta get the cord bro you gotta get your dance games i gotta start playing yeah dance experience be fun it's awesome that you play dance video games. I'm trying to. I don't have the fucking cord. You got to get your moves down for the armory, dude. You got to patriotic fucking. Dude, I get it. What an awesome fucking theme for a wedding is Stolen Valor. I can't wait, bro.

It's going to be so. Yeah, but and women can dress as nurses. That would be awesome, dude. It's just troops and first responders and troops only. Dude, if you took a picture like that, every person in America would jerk off. Like if you took a wedding picture, a troop and a nurse getting married

with all best men troops, all female nurses. In scrubs. And then it came out two days later that it was fake. That would be so fucking awesome. Immediately started GoFundMe, get the money from it, and be like, yeah, it was a fake. Yeah, be so fucking awesome. Started immediately started go fund me, get the money from it and be like, yeah, it was a fake. Yeah.

We were, these are just clothes. Who cares? I'm going to get a go. I'm going to know. It'd be cool to do that. Set up a go fund me for like, this is the last,

you know, wedding before I have to go do war. And my wife has to go do nursing for extra COVID down somewhere else. And then start up another go fund me debunking my own fake gofundme like fuck those guys they're fucking liars yo be like yo i fucked them i'm the guy they're basing it yeah we could do a complete fucking inside job we could have uh billion spud debunk it get some more attention to war mode as an act. And then maybe people will start believing some other ideas that they have. This is a,

this is like a glimpse into the event of Venezuelan governments meeting. Like, I know, I know. Just like fucking idiots from Florida. We caught with Coke here. We caught them at the hill. They're going to pretend to invade us.

I wonder what the false flag, like what they're going to, what Venezuela is going to get out of it. It's always funny that they like talk shit to the. Yeah. I mean, imagine you're Venezuela. People are running out of food morale's low and then all of a sudden you're like oh shit america just attacked us but we were too strong they're like fuck yeah dude we fought america like yeah we beat them it's no big deal yeah america's pussies dude yeah who's next they were like america just did a concentrated effort to attack us and we just we were that we happen to be right there with a bunch of soldiers like apparently they attacked like their stronghold and we're like

yeah that's that's some real north korean ball and fucking shit to just be like yeah america keeps trying to attack us and we just literally fuck them up like every day i'd love to hear their history books like world war seven uh america tried to attack us again we launched a missile today and uh took off only 450 feet killed everybody it rolled yeah his his stories of like kim jong-un like actually i think it was kim jong-il who was the wait kim jong-un was the older one no we have yeah kim jong-un's young gun. Kim Jong-un's the current baller. Kim Jong-il was the papa. Yep. There were, like, stories about Kim Jong-il

that he, like, shot, like, a 36 at golf. Like, he had, like, 10 hole-in-ones. Yeah, he did that. Like, the stories were just, like... Kim Jong-un, I think, in the textbooks was he never took a shit. That's taught in school school was the guy does not shit so they have like actual like mythology yeah so they're like kind of like god maybe maybe we

maybe we are getting like you know but yes yeah maybe it was like a cultural thing where it's like yeah that guy doesn't shit like people like that guy shit doesn't stink but that guy doesn't shit yeah that guy doesn't shit that guy if you think you don't shit huh that actually makes more sense than shit don't stink yeah just take a nice like a nice it is a it is like a moment like where anybody's like trying to be authoritative or cool or anything like that like if you just think of them dumping it's like all right yeah it's kind of embarrassing instant loss of credibility when i know that you poop. Some hot chick that thinks she's better than me,

I'm like, I know you've had diarrhea, lady. True. Nothing you do is impressive right now. I feel like girls get hit with diarrhea a good amount, too. I definitely feel. I think so. Well, dude, I fucked. I had a pill.

Speaking of women shitting incessantly, I had a pill bae today. It wasn't that big of a one, man. We're planning this wedding. The armory was a big deal. It was a big score. We figured that out. All you do is pay for the site, and you bring your own catering in and everything.

Got a good deal. 2020, dude, we're going to have a patriotic wedding. Her mom was basically like, I don't know if a lot of people are going to come. I was like, dude, drown drown that bullshit out everyone's coming no one scares going to be there but it's not for like you know it's not gonna be for like seven months but yeah we're just like why are weddings so expensive why is that we're like going through the pricing i'm like dude it's gonna be like fucking you know if you want to do it the

traditional way with like a caterer who happens to like own a venue they charge you a hundred bucks a person so it's going to be like fucking thirty fucking thousand dollars yeah fuck all that she's like why is her why are weddings so expensive and i was just like look babe yeah notice who wants them notice who really really wants them and notice the economics of them notice the price of diamonds things that bays feel they need are priced exorbitantly because they know you guys will just... Because you have no choice. You'll just bend all the logic. You'll just be like, I want that, I want that, I want that.

You will just break a man's fucking soul to get that shit. You'll be like, well, I'm leaving him. He didn't get me the nicest diamond. Yeah, dude. Getting aligned with bay... I think I've even talked about this before. Getting aligned in a bay industry i guess something a bay needs to feel good it's like dude i mean 30 think about that dude for a night that's pretty standard for people to go it's 100 bucks a plate it's crazy the the party you could have the party you could actually

have for 30 grand it's crazy is is wild you could have like 30 grand you could actually have for 30 grand is wild. You could have like 30 grand. You could have like live animals there. For sure. You could put together like an outdoor party like in a tent. You put together a circus. I don't know why that's where my head goes for a cool party, but you could have a circus.

Yeah, man. 30 grand. You could hire like a famous band. Yeah. You could have Limp Bizkit. You could hire like a famous band. Yeah. You could have Limp Bizkit. You could have Limp Bizkit. You could have Limp... Yo, I DM'd Fred Durst to come on our show. Did you really?

It's funny you said Limp Bizkit. I just DM'd him like yesterday. I was like, dude, come to the show. Please. That'd be so fucking sick. Let's see if he even responded. I don't even think he... Yeah, man.

That would be... I don't know, man. That – Didn't even see it. God damn it, Fred. Yeah, so are you going to do that? Or you catered yourself, dude. Give me some money. I'll get it for you.

We'll get Boston Market. That's why we did the – sorry, my laptop was unplugged. That's why we did the – oh, no, it's plugged in. That's why we did the armory. The armory the armory just is like all right we're gonna take a site fee you guys do it they're ladies like literally do whatever the fuck you want yeah so we can we can bring in anything it's pretty fucking awesome man so dude do a byob wedding dude just be like somebody buy a keg like five different dudes buy

a keg that's it actually it's not a bad idea no we're gonna we're gonna get like people to do like bartending we have like a bartending thing or whatever yeah oh yeah we just buy all the booze ourselves and just be like here you go what almost second my laptop's plugged in we're back dude sorry about that my laptop cord became unplugged and i ran the risk of having a dead battery higher bad idea dude hire some of the dogs to do it for free. Have a Patreon level where you get to be a caterer at your wedding. A Patreon level where some of the dogs get to walk around with trays. What was that show where there was about a catering party up or something?

I don't know. They were like a show about chill caterers. That would be pretty tight. Just having a Patreon tier. You's become an indentured servant you pay to hire some of them to like spray paint them gold and make them stand still some of the dog dude imagine jorb just standing there i might do it like they did in a spartacus i might get like nine dogs and like chain them all to each other's feet and have them just like parade them around naked and just like offer their bodies to like my aunts and you

know maybe some of my uncles i don't know yeah see how the party goes take some of the boys down yeah i mean it would be sick to have a bunch of dudes like fat dudes with beards like just walking around serving like hors d'oeuvres trays of like a half-packed bowl and be like do you listen to the cast that would be funny to buy like just buy a gazillion cheap bowls and just pass them around just have a guy like bowls on that'd be pretty sick bowls would be a nice little trinket for the each each table a little little gift bag for the it's funny because the third floor of the armory is the mess hall because since it's 2020 they're like we'll just give you the entire space for the price of just this one space you guys have. Because, like, you know, they ain't got a fucking money.

It's 2020. You know, Karone's is fucking us up. Yeah. And apparently, I don't even know how this place – the guy was explaining it to me. And apparently, it was like – it's a castle, dude. There's just a castle in the middle of Philadelphia that I think it was bought. I mean, 1774. This predates the revolution, i think it was bought i mean 1774 this predates

the revolution first of all yeah talking 1774 dude this guy was saying that like there was a battalion or something that like they were not kind of like commanded being like yo we're gonna buy this big ass armory everyone every member of this has to chip up like you know whenever that was like 100 bucks it was some kind of like a decent amount of money for back then yeah and um so there's a picture of all the people who like forked and paid for it and if you look at it there's people who didn't pay so their faces get smudged out of the fucking picture oh nice there's a room in there that's just i honestly want to start renting this room just regularly there's one room you can rent it's like 200 bucks you can rent it for i think like i don't know what it is a couple hours or something um but it's just you sit at a boardroom with just pictures of generals

everywhere around that's awesome big fucking like 10 foot pictures of generals pretty tight that's awesome yeah that's a that's a pretty hot uh wedding spot in philly the armor right right yeah well he was saying he was like people don't they he was like a lot of people don't use it enough but yeah i would think this would be this is the only thing that makes sense you get a big ass space he's like dude we'll leave out like a humvee if you want i was like yeah please leave that fuck out fuck yeah there's gonna be a lot of they'll do anything dude dude i told there's a guy there'll be a guy there they said they're gonna leave one troop and the troop what he goes if you do black tie the troop wears a tuxedo if you guys want shirts the troop wears a hawaiian shirt if anyone gets too rowdy i can point to someone the troop will he goes, if you do black tie, the troop wears a tuxedo. If you guys wear white shirts, the troop wears a Hawaiian shirt.

If anyone gets too rowdy, I can point to someone, and the troop will fucking escort them out. No. Yeah, bro. There's a troop. I'll have a boog boy at my disposal, dude. There will be a troop. There will be a fucking troop, dude.

They are in plain clothes, undercover. And if somebody starts acting up, this dude will fucking handle them. I might have them fuck up all my uncles. I want you to know that. I mean, that's amazing. I want you to know I'm going to hire. As soon as I get the invitation for this, I'm going to send it out to the dogs. Any dogs that are actual boob boys, I'm going to have a –

instead of people throwing rice, you're going to have a line of boob boys fucking saluting you. That would be so fucking sick. When you guys come out. Walk by and check their biceps. Be like, yeah, you're pretty fucking jacked. Pretty jacked. Do you have a cool like Minuteman tattoo? sick. When you guys come out. Walk by and check their biceps. Like, yeah, you're pretty fucking jacked. Pretty jacked. Do you have a cool, like, Minuteman tattoo? Sick.

Thank you. Do you have a three percenter tattoo? Awesome. Sick. You're the man. Yeah, man. Yeah, having a troop wrestle your uncles, that's like, that's tough for an uncle. Because what do uncles love more than troops, dude?

Getting betrayed by a troop at a wedding. I mean, they'll be jumps. You got their cut in a rug, dancing a little on a troop. Fucking says, sir, my uncle's dance. They're like, sir, you're humiliating yourself. You have to leave. It'll be funny too. Cause all I got to do is go to one of my uncles when they're drunk.

And they can see that guy over there. He's a troop. You fuck around. I'll kick you the fuck out. And they'll immediately go to him and start talking shit. They're going to kick me the fuck out huh you're gonna kick me up so yeah there'll be somebody there to kick people it'll be stupid it'll be so funny i might get drunk and talk shop with the troop i'll probably end up happening you should wear your boots i'm

dude i'm gonna i will literally wear my full west point uniform you won't know who it is that you won't know who the troop is he's gonna be undercover matt you don't think i'm gonna recognize the troop true you'll probably you'll probably stiff him out just a rifle scope and look around yeah i might lay up in the rafters with a spotter oh my god yeah man yeah i'm i'm genuinely excited and then we get it for like three days so we can have a little thing in the mess hall the day before. He was like, you can smoke cigars up here. He's like, we really don't give a shit what people do.

There's a fucking museum. There's a museum with historic artifacts, dude. It's pretty fucking tight. I'm excited about it. Am I invited? Hell yeah, bro. All right, cool. Oh, cool.

Oh, cool. If I wasn't invited, I would have a competing wedding at the closest venue you'd have to i would immediately have i would invite all the dogs and the boog boys i would invite boog boys to protest i'd have to call them i'd have to tell them like i might need a higher actually i bombed at this thing the whole time i was trying to do military jokes with this guy and it was just not having it. Well, they don't get it. People don't get it.

People don't understand why it's funny to be like, yeah, the troops rule. Well, it was like subtler than that. He was showing us the different rooms. He's like, if you guys rent the whole thing, you'll have access to this room. Then we'll have a key card. You can key in. Whoever you want in here can key in. I was like, oh, sick.

We'll have high-level clearance. And the guy was just like, yeah. Anyway. Bernie turned around and was like, shut up. That fucking war room is nice. Yeah, bro. The war room is fucking tight. We're going to rent it out.

We can rent out the mess hall. The mess hall is the third floor. That fits 250. Dude, we should record a war room in that room. Dude, my wheels. I told the guy i was like i do a comedy podcast and i think i'm oh no i might rent some of these rooms and he's gonna listen he goes what is it and i'm like oh let me record another one i'll give it to you yeah don't listen to the last one they're both page bro oh we had to page those up that was i haven't had a

post-show anxiety like that one in a little while. We got done with that. I was just like, dude, did we talk about that? Never mind. Let's not get into it. Well, I will say this. This is a good thing. This is a good thing. One of our dogs reached out on Patreon. I get a lot of people – I get a lot of the corrections on Patreon.

First of all, I will say, and I mean this is just – I guess this is just a mark of our intelligence and what we're attracting. But a lot of times when people correct us on the patreon it's always very gracious they'll be like hey man you guys rule but this one thing you guys are talking about your way off here's why so i mean a lot of the dogs argue on first principles yeah it's just you know if you're if you're a person using mental models you don't just like lash out you just go like well here's what i know to be true you know you attribute people's shortcomings not to malice but just do general misstep that's here's what I know to be true. You know, you attribute people's shortcomings not to malice,

but just to general misstep. That's what a person of, you know, more refined person does. So someone reached out and he was like, hey, man, you're wrong about de Blasio. I was saying de Blasio smacked the J's hands, dude. Yeah. And he was like, I'm a J and I love you guys. But, you know, again, I told him, I'm'm like i'm on the side of the truth bro de blasio gave the permit to that function that he shut down of those 2 000 jewish his office okayed the permit and then he was like he went and shut it down just to look like a hard

ass on coronavirus really yeah dude ah he shut him down he tricked the jays not for now i mean they got him they got him good so they a guy gave me i was like thank you for the dos appreciate that yeah i got some i love it i love the people they really do they are nice they'll be like hey man and it's funny too because the one guy i was like fuck that i'm not wearing a fucking mask dude fuck this the guy was like yeah i'm on my work in the er and yeah it's pretty bad a lot of people dying but anyway you guys rule man thanks a lot oh my god i feel like such a fucking dick i'm asking you masked up bro yeah i still stand by what i said on the patreon dude if i see anyone like a year

from now with a mask i'll punch you in the fucking face dude well damn dude it is weird send that to bill dude he'll hold my boog out also got in a fight because the inside of these are blue yeah i think you're supposed to wear the colored side out the blue side on the outside who was giving you who was giving you mess i got got in an argument with Phil yesterday about that because he was wearing blue side out, and I was like, you look like a fucking idiot. And he was like, well, this is actually how you're supposed to wear it. And I was like, no, it's not.

And then, yeah, it is. I looked it up. I looked it up. It's funny to lose an argument when you look it up and then you just don't say anything. Yeah, it's like that. He saw me going to my phone after the argument, and then he then you just don't say anything. Yeah. Like he saw me going to my phone after the argument. And then I,

like he noticed that I didn't say anything. He was like, what'd you find? I was like, nothing. I didn't fucking look it up. It's like, dude,

just cause you read, dude, Brittany does that to me all the time. Oh, you read one or two articles and now you think that's how it is. I'm like, well, I read like four and they all seem to be saying the same thing.

So yeah, I think it's safe to assume that. Yeah. It was a bummer. I looked it up and he was right. Yeah. So I just had to, I just seem to be saying the same thing. So yeah, I think it's safe to assume that. Yeah, it was a bummer. I looked it up and he was right. So I just had to be quiet about it. End of argument. I'm not even going to argue about this. Pull the phone out and you're just like, shit.

Fuck, I'm an idiot. Why would the blue be the outside? Doesn't make any damn sense. I don't know. Maybe like as a kind of a color code. Maybe like if it gets dirty it's like kind of like a coarse light true the mountains are blue cold activated coronis activated um but yeah the the the accident was a big deal that sucks bro that's fucking i forgot you just that quick like you got your car got crushed by a truck yeah just and I just sat there it was very slow it was a guy slowly turning and his truck just crushing my car

and like I had a second to back up like I could have backed up probably could have saved the day but I wasn't even thinking I was just watching it happen like no way no way he just started like the fucking side mirror just exploded like the car started got rocked holy fuck yeah he came out was just like no comment he got out was like well because my truck yeah i was i was fast and furious i was stuck under it so he was like he was like all right i'm gonna reverse to get you out of there and uh meanwhile if you want to call the authorities dude i turned into such a fucking pussy i was like okay uh what do i do there was no like there was no part of me that was like fuck you dude for fucking this up i was just like all right everything's fine so you

power of an 18 wheeler dude that'll turn any man into a soft one but he got out he was a little tiny boy he looked like a dwarf like he was like not a but he looked he looked like a you know a tolkien-esque dork like he was like jacked and tiny and i would have rocked him he was like a little scrappy dude he was just a squat tiny guy that's what's up he was driving the truck driving a truck mississippi accent i liked it he was a nice guy he drove up from Mississippi. So how does it work? You guys are going to – that trucking company is going to have to pay for the rest of the car, right?

Probably insurance, just insurance. I think we have – I think I have – my parents have no-fault insurance on the car, so it doesn't matter. How's your neck? I'm fine. Get paid, bro. I could never. I could fine. Get paid, bro. I could never. I could never.

I feel bad in the first place, even pointing out that the turn he made was illegal. Yeah, but you got him, man. I know. You have to, but it just sucks. You see some fucking poor guy in a... Some tiny guy in a tattered shirt and sweatpants hop out of a truck with a headset on he drove

the place he was dropping it off must have been half a mile away he drove from fucking mississippi hey man i get it truckers i mean look the nation was shut down 80 80 of our stuff from what like any store comes is trucked in yeah that was a hero dude that was a hero dude i should actually do a trucker wedding. See truckers and lot lizards, dude. That'd actually be a fun theme. Are you guys thinking about a theme? No, you would never.

You don't have the sand. We don't have the sand. We don't have it, dude. I told you before, I got traumatized after I proposed a theme for my eighth grade dance and got shot down. What was the theme? World War II. I proposed World War II. What? the theme for my uh eighth grade dance what was the theme world war ii proposed world war ii we got to do a ballot box and teacher pulled out she's like world war ii we're not doing a

world war ii themed dance and i was like all right i thought you know all suggestions were welcome that's whatever it's fine i hear what you were going for you're going for like the nerd that was me oh you'll be a dick that was in eighth grade. I thought you were going for the nurse and like Troop Valley. I was just being an asshole because I knew it would be a ridiculous theme for an eighth grade graduation dance. That's very funny. I mean, that's hilarious. Eighth grade graduation and everybody's dressed like –

Yeah, that was a good call. Yeah. English doughboys, dude. World War I. World War I. World War I doughboys? Dude, I don't want to brag, but I got some motherfucking pussy last night. You got pussy last night? Yeah, I got pussy last night, bro.

How'd it go? Dude, man, it's been a while. Really? It's been a while. Dude, I can't even say. It's just been a long,? Dude, man. It's been a while. Really? Been a while. Dude, I can't even say. It's just been a long, long time, dude. I was, like, genuinely charged up. I was actually, after I got done, I was, like, I wanted to call somebody.

Like, yo. Yeah. Like, yo, you know that fucking girl I'm married to? Yeah, we hooked up. We hooked up. Yeah, we hooked up last night. Like, you know that girl I've been talking to for a little? You know that girl I've been living with for four years, married to yeah we hooked up we hooked up yeah we hooked up last night you know that girl i've been talking to for a little you know girl i've been living with four years married to her with a kid yeah we hooked up last night probably still probably you know i'll probably

see you again i don't know we'll see you i just wanted to call and like brag i was like i was so stoked on myself you could have called him pussy brag to me i would have been excited to hear that i might i might next time i might keep this one air, but I got a good brag to you from last night myself. Little braggy. Little braggies from last night. Dude, I had to be quiet, too. That was the thing. Oh, you got the baby.

Oh, quiet is nice. Obviously, we have the baby, too. That has a whole dimension to your Yeah. That's a different. That has a whole dimension to your sexuality. What's the dimension? It's just like I was thinking about this last night. I was like, damn, dude, like girls live in such a more such an animalistic universe. Like they get, you know, like periods and stuff. Not to be crass, but they get like, you know, they get a reminder.

Pussies fucking bleed gross. They get a reminder like every month of like, yo, yeah, you're a fucking animal. You're an animal. You're a nasty bitch. Right now you can get knocked up. Right now you'll get pregnant easier. And then like, you know, she's lactating. So like.

Hot. Oh. Man, it just squirted a little. No, I think, I think. I think. Do you drink breast milk at all? No, fuck no. It's not bad.

It tastes like the milk left over from sweet cereal. Never that. It's good. It's good for you. That's probably why my shoulder hurts. Dude, it's a lot of HGH in there. I think my fucking bones are expanding. But yeah, dude, it was tight.

I think my breasts started leaking. I was like, fuck yeah, dude. That's fucking hot. Where's that baby? Make sure she shuts up. I never realized that's kind of what people do. When you're your first year of your, the first like four months of your life, you're just in a room like your dad's just like,

your dad's just like completely jammed full of cum and like every now and again your mom has had mercy on him and let him release he's like and then and then yeah and your existence is just people being like somebody shut him the fuck up somebody please which i guess never really changes no people most people really have nothing to say most people's existences are just other people like waiting for them to stop talking and then just like shut the fuck up somebody should do something to make that person quiet yeah at least as a baby it's like kind of exciting when they like look at you and talk and stuff yeah but yeah i think it is funny too because i'm like just waiting for her

to you know start being able to like do more and more and it's like i think i is funny too because i'm like just waiting for her to you know start being able to like do more and more and it's like i think i did come to that realization like oh this is gonna be for the rest of her life it's like kid you come on could you let's go all right yeah like i hear they start walking like yeah i hear they start like going to school and like going away to college like all right neighbor's kid was a doctor at this age yeah dude that's gotta be wild what already starts man with like because they're you try to hit like these developmental timelines and stuff then there's like damn someone was someone in messenger they started doing like hot not like a hot baby competition but there are like vote for my baby is like cutest baby yes it's like dude will you just fucking just take a break man jesus christ

yeah you got to be competitive with your fucking brand new kit. It's like, dude, you did nothing yet. The parenting, you can't get a parenting award after one fucking month. Yeah, dude. I don't know. It's just like, do you want a super hot baby right now? It's weird. I do.

I want to feed it to the fucking cabal. I'm joining the cabal. You're saying all the right things. I need a hot, hot dog to send to the White House. Yeah, they're going to clip up all these comments from you and just release them and be like, you think he's fucking around?

He's satanic. No, I've been home. I also have had sexual experiences. I got back to my roots jerking off at my parents' house. That is a – it reinvigorates your – you know, you find yourself again. You got to be quiet jerking off in the house. Yeah. It's fun again.

I've been living bachelor life for so long that I can, you know, just jerking off loudly. Having to be quiet is cool. Yeah, no, I agree because now we have to actually, like I'm actually worried about her getting pregnant where I wasn't for a while. So now it's like that adds an extra thing. Like, oh, shit, like you could get pregnant.

It gives me like a very kind of high school-y. Yeah, it's fun. Like you're pregnant. But yeah, man. I think my J just called. Did he? What's good with him? I don't know. I get pregnant. Oh, but yeah, man, I think my J just called daddy. What's good with them? I don't know.

They're fucking, they're not as hands-on as my last agents were. It's funny. What are they doing? I want darn is invested in me anymore. The old tight wads would call nonstop. Be like, this is what we're working on. This is what we got new tight wads once a month.

Check in. Just like, what are you doing? Do you want us to book you here it's like yeah yeah please yeah come on but uh you told me dude i got a fucking car accident today dude i was getting don't need this right now i need to carry a tv down in front of my dad just watch me carry a flat screen into the basement so i can play video games god that is so funny because it's such a sick thing to hold on my agent's calling and it's like you're like sitting on a carpet like watching indian style in my parents basement hold on it's my agent uh all right i'll fuck it fuck it i'll do it dude i'm gonna pussy brag this was this was my sexual experience last night yes yes had a facetime three-way

had two bays tell me to jo you had jerk off on facetime yes from two bays two different bays naked yeah touching themselves telling me they needed me i here's the problem though i nutted pretty early once i realized i was like am i allowed to jerk off to this while we're talking like yeah that's a good question to ask i had well it was kind of like are we are we actually doing this we're doing sex stuff are we because like you know there would be like the occasional like look at my tit i'd be like oh all right cool and then it just kept going i was like am i allowed to well to jerk off which by the way i already had been but uh true they could just see my my screen was like

they could just see my my screen was like you just see a rope come up to the top yeah but i i as soon as i finished there was still i still had to sit there and listen to two drunk chicks talk for and i felt like i owed them so for like a half hour more i had just nutted and a girl would be like do you want to see my tits and i was like yeah i can't tell you how little i give a fuck about seeing your tits like i just nodded and this girl was like you want to see my pussy right now it was like yeah all right you were thinking about that cord dude you're like i need dude it was i was in the middle of searching for the cord in the house when the FaceTime started. I had no plans of jerking off.

I was looking for a cord in my parents' house, and then I got a FaceTime call, so I sat down and jerked off. And then I just went back to looking for the cord. It was a honeypot, dude. They didn't want you getting that cord. Everybody's been trying to stop me from getting this cord, and there's nothing they can do. As soon as this podcast ends, I'm going to play NCAA until 2 AM.

That's fucking sick, dude. But yeah, I thought, I thought that was pretty cool. That's awesome. I didn't even know that was, I didn't know that could even be,

yeah, it was two girls hanging out together. And that's, that's what happened. I wonder, and this is a, this just reminded me of this. Cause now like a lot of professionals are doing like telehealth and all

this different, like zoom stuff. a lot of professionals are doing telehealth and all this different Zoom stuff. I wonder if pro ladies are doing that. Like just FaceTiming. I mean, that was – last night was fucking awesome. Yeah, that's fucking awesome. I'm saying that would be sick. Yeah. If it was – yeah, it is night.

It's cam girls except this was – No, that's different. That's different,'s different bro trust me this this rocked old boys deposited some cyber cyber tokens dude it's like that's like a 1 900 number bro like it's so funny that wasn't 20 minutes i have a timer that was eight minutes like that's 20 minutes sorry like that's when you know you're pro when you start when you start timing they run on like fucking when you know you're a pro. When you start, when you start timing, they run on like fucking milliseconds. You know,

like in a Honda, the clocks always goes faster and faster eventually. No, I didn't know any Honda at the time when I started. Yeah. When you start, if you have a Honda, I don't know if maybe they fixed it,

but like in any, like least, uh, 2010 down, you can start, I can put it, you know, say it's six 57 right now in about three months,

my clock will be 10 minutes fast or whatever it is. Like in like six. Oh wow. Yeah. It's weird, but you know, it's 657 right now in about three months my clock will be 10 minutes fast or whatever it is like in like six oh wow yeah it's weird but you know that's a i like it only a reference only a honda man will get you saying i'm not a honda man i crashed a honda today dude true and yeah the truck got you dude i i think i'm uh i'm on a new well it's on a new – well, it's not a new thing. It's a renewed effort. Now I'm going to strictly do sexual experiences just around my bae. Even if she doesn't want to do it, it's like I'm going to always crumb near you or in your vicinity. I got sick of porn, bro. I just can't fucking – I can't look at it anymore.

It just drains me. I look at – it's the same fucking nine things every time yeah it's really it's really not uh watching porn is honestly like i'll look at it like zero excitement like i'll scroll i'll start scrolling through shit just like all right but what was that one i liked and i'll just scroll and look for that can't find it disappear all right it's whatever dude you called me actually so i was busting i actually had a little amphibious fucking operation going on right my cell phone what were you doing i had my cell phone in the shower oh nice that's crazy last night he was in the shower really i called mullen and he was like i've been in the shower for four hours and i was

like oh and he was like no i'm fucking with you and i was like, oh, cool. And he was like, no, I'm fucking with you. And I was like, that sounds like something you would do, dude. I wouldn't be surprised. It's not like it's that crazy for me to expect just you jacked. He's like ripped right now with a long beard just standing in the shower. Yo, the conversation I had with him last night, I talked to him the whole ride back from Philly. I drove to Philly last night. Did I tell you this? No. I drove lastilly. I drove to Philly last night. Did I tell you this? No.

I drove last night. You drove to Philly to get your Xbox. Yeah, I drove to Philly and back last night to get the Xbox. Yeah. The whole ride back, I was just talking to Maldog. It's search and rescue. Just literally listened to Maldog talk for two and a half hours. Like two hours of just like, he's wild, dude.

He is. Listen to him fucking go about. It's so fucking wild, dude. Just talking about it. He's like, fuck it. The world's over, dude. He is. Listen to him fucking go about it. It's so fucking wild, dude. Just talking about it. He's like, fuck it. The world's over, dude. Fuck it. Like, just like.

I'm just getting jacked. I was like, nice. That's a good move. I wish I was. I have not been exercising at all. At all. I did about 20 push-ups yesterday, so come at me. I did, like, I tried doing, like, the. So, I have an app on my phone yesterday, so come at me. I did like one.

I tried doing like the – so I have an app on my phone that like gives me workouts, and then I tried doing like a hard one. I told Brittany, I was like, I'm going to do this one. And I just – I think I pulled a muscle in my back. I've been injured now for like two weeks. I can't do anything. My back's fucking – My palm's back.

Remember when I hurt my palm on the beach? Yeah, is that back? I got a function back. You're clear to play now? I'm clear to do push-ups on the carpet in the basement oh dude i didn't even finish telling you i'm sorry sorry yeah but i was in the uh see i was i'm in the shower you were texting me so i'm you know we were texting i fucking uh i lost a boner for you bro i was watching oh you were jerking off jerry jerry paul you ever knowing like someone texts you or calls you and you pull yeah you lower browser you start you start losing it yeah dude i was in the uh i think

i was watching like a panty job vid i was getting into panty jobs dude paint it was just that's how tapped that was they go into like way long long ago yeah bullshit but the uh but yeah dude i sat there had a full text conversation with you i I was like, all right, cool, done. And I just resumed the operation, dude. And then it was like I was getting backed up to the point of having like stutter ropes of being like. Oh, that's the best. Yeah, man. But then it was like the problem is like I'll have. I know I have stutter ropes in me.

And then it's like I just start scrolling Pornhub and it's like my soul just fucking dies. And it's like i just start scrolling pornhub and it's like my soul just fucking dies and it's like jesus fucking the stutter ropes i never get the stutter ropes from jerking off that's usually actually it's usually explicitly for a beach if i'm not from a beach it's a guaranteed stutter rope yeah it's like oh i'm pissing well yeah and usually like i think my mom listens to this shit now really yeah the armory is going to cancel my wedding but i don't know dude i gotta i the only thing i've been thinking about today is somehow recapturing the three-way facetime again you have have to. Of being like, I need to do that again tonight.

I need that again tonight. Yeah, that would be something you can get used to. You put in headphones and have one in each ear? They were together. They were in the same. Oh, I thought you had a three-way call. No, it was those two. They were in the same bed.

Naked? Naked. Fooling around and stuff. Jeez. That's fucking – that's wild stuff. It was great. It was one of the better things that's happened. So, yeah, I mean, in terms of, like, one to ten, ten to stutter up,

what were you – what'd you – and how'd you capture your like the moment was like close up facial oh mine was just a face in the dark everything was dark except like a screen lit face like oh yeah what would you guys do if you were here and then i was like as soon as i got done i was like should i've showed you guys do if you were here and then i was like as soon as i got done i was like should i've showed you guys me and they're like yeah why didn't you it's like i felt weird because nobody was asking i didn't want to just be like just be like this is the come

you have to show the shoot dude you can't show the shoot, dude. You can't show the shoot. It's because I didn't know them well enough to show the shoot. Yeah. And know, like, ask them. I wasn't going to be like, you guys want to see something cool? True. Anytime you jerk off in front of someone, you should be definitely thinking about how it can be chronicled.

And then he showed the shoot and then they get shot yeah because i dude don't get me wrong there was some definitely some i mean this was on facetime i was like if and i don't know them that well so it was like if i get fucking gerbied i kept it just on my face dude there. There's just going to be a video of me like, what do you guys think of this? Did you guys want to see it or what's going on? It's on the floor. I can zoom in. Should I show you guys?

Oh, my God. That's so fucking funny, man. Yeah, and then I started putting on filters because they just wouldn't shut the fuck up. So I just changed my face to like a mouse. While they were like, do you want to say my boss yeah all right just a mouse with hard eyes just looking yeah all i was thinking about was ncaa as soon as as soon as the shoot came out i was just like

dubs i need it done and they were asking me questions like don't you think this is good and i was like i'm gonna be honest with you i've i finished so there's nothing that i want out of this oh like seeing that's a fair remark though like hey guys i'm done yeah anyway see a girl like show you her pussy after you've nutted is just like get that thing out of here cover that thing up yeah man the shower hit the locker dude hit the locker, dude. Hit the shower. Hit the fucking locker. All right. Am I going to regret this episode?

Is this what's happening? Probably, dude. Probably. God damn it. Nah, man. You loved it. It was the best thing you've ever seen. You've never seen anything like it.

It was fun. It was. That sounds very fun, honestly. It was cool. That's very exciting. I've tried to arrange things like that. I hurt my palm. Back in the day, I remember trying to like –

that was like my fantasy basically to like call pros and be like, I'm going to like just drop an envelope under your door and I'm going to call you and we're going to do FaceTime together. But I never did it because, I don't know, hookers are kind of scary when you call them. They're very intimidating. Yeah. They're the hookers. kind of scary when you call them. They're very intimidating. Yeah. They're the hookers.

Yeah. Yeah. What do you want? I'll tell you, me and my friend Weaver, shout out Weaver. What up, boy? We used to prank call hookers. We would go on Craigslist and just call them. We would always just try to get them to, for some reason,

it was the funnest thing to make them say that they, like we would talk to them for a while and be like, hey, if we're going to go to McDonald's's and pick up some food do you want us to you want us to get you anything how about would you like us to pick you up like a fart you would tell yeah you would tell them you're gonna we just needed we needed to tell them we were gonna make them eat a fart and they would always spaz stop wasting my time very fun yeah yeah i got older and i felt bad about it. Dude, it was actually funny. Damn, I was bombing all day yesterday.

Oh, man, I shouldn't even say this. I already exposed my fucking – I know. This is going to be – Well, it's not that big of a deal. So I'll put it this way. We had sex. Yes. Sex.

Yes. And then somebody farted. Let's just say. You should have said it. You should have said it. You should not have said it. No, that's fine. That's like a fucking. I made a fracking joke.

I was like, damn, did I just frack the pussy? Drew, that was a fucking aftershock. You got in there and jarred bubbles loose. I just fracked the pussy. She was like, what are you talking about? I was like, nothing. Nothing? Got so deep.

No, I was kidding. I farted, dude are you talking about? I was like, nothing. Nothing? Got so deep? No, I was kidding. I farted, dude. I actually did, I think, fart after the stock. But there might have been someone chipping in a little something in there. Wait. You didn't hear it? You just smelled it? Oh, that's so funny.

That was pretty wicked. Girl farts are wicked, dude. Oh, man, dude. Girl farts are wicked, dude. Oh, man, dude. Girl farts are wicked. Well, they're always eating like every health fad. So it's like they're never good. So, yeah, it's just like a ton of just sugar broken down. Girl farts might be – I mean, they easily are the worst farts.

Easily. I told you that time Caitlin was hiding. We were playing hide-and-go-seek in the dark. We always turn the lights off and play tag when my niece is here. She really likes it. Fun game. And Caitlin was hiding in one room, and my dad was it. And when Phil's in it, it's the best.

But he just opened the room that she was hiding in. He was like, oh, Jesus Christ. He's like, Shane, that's disgusting. And I was like, that's not me. I was in a different room. You just heard her in there like, Jane, that's disgusting. And I was like, that's not me. I was in a different room. You just heard her in there like, it was me. So you guys all turned the lights on.

You're like, no, it wasn't me. Game's paused. Game's paused. We gotta find out who dropped that bomb. It was very funny. Yeah,

man. We, uh, actually I lit one up today in the car. That was pretty fucking wicked. I did. Well, you know,

it was kind of chilly out and like all the windows are down. She got into it. What's put the car that was pretty fucking wicked. I did what – you know, it was kind of chilly out, and, like, all the windows were down. She got in and she's like, what's – put the windows out. Oh, my God. Man, farts rule, dude. Farts rock. That was for last night. Yeah, it's pretty – I've – at this point, I'm so – That was for last night.

You gave her what for? I was down there fracking, bro. Yeah, dude, the – now with, like, the amount that I get thrown up on and get like shit on my hands now it's like farts just don't they just don't faze me dude they just i don't it's it's still i don't think i like kids i know you have a kid i really like i was when they're not your kids i'm sure when they're yours it's a big difference but like i was hanging out with i was over at my sister's yesterday for that we we ate, we ate food there. Uh, we had dinner there.

And I'm sitting next to my niece and nephew and it's just like, it's nonstop. The whole, when you have kids with a group, the group's dynamic changes just to like, we just have to indulge in this. We have to indulge in a five-year-old girl just sitting there and be like, can I tell you something? Can say something what about that like just and it's like okay great that's the whole the whole meal is just a five-year-old talking and everyone being like great that's so fun isn't that fun let's get the bubble machine out let's play with the bubbles

and i'm i i might be a fucking dick. I'm a dildo, dude. I was just sitting there like, when are we leaving? Because I rode over with my mom and dad. I was like, when are we going to be done with this? Aaliyah, oh, shit. She's getting all the attention, not me. It's funny.

You went home to Harrisburg for two weeks, and you're just autistic now. You're like, I'm a fat guy in a basement, dude. I'm a fat guy in a basement. Oh yeah. So a big deal. I can blow bubbles too.

Mom, why don't we leave it? Mom, I don't want Turkey. Order me a domino. Yes. That is what's happening. Right.

Before this podcast started, my dad came down. He was nice enough. First off, my dad handled the insurance today. I got in a car accident, and then Phil just sat on the phone all day, and I was like, can I help? No, no. Go do your fucking bullshit.

I was like, I'll tell you what happened. I'll tell you what happened. Can I take your car to GameStop then? He was like, no, you just wrecked your mother's. I was like, Dad, tell you what happened. I'll tell you what happened. Can I take your car to GameStop then? He was like, no, you just wrecked your mother's. I was like, Dad, I'm taking the fucking car, dude. There's nothing you can do. Oh, my God. Yeah, it's really setting in.

Oh, my God, it's so funny. My nephew hates me. He runs from me. So I'm just like, whatever, fuck him. Those videos have been very funny yeah it's great he's the fucking cutest kid but the freeze frame of him is like yeah right before this right before we started phil came down and was like uh dinner's almost ready how long you gonna be and i was like go without eat without me god he's like i made you dinner. And I'm like, fucking do it.

I'll be up in a minute, all right? God. Yeah, my mom's funny now. Yeah, I've turned into a full fat fucking pussy. And I really need, I think I need to do, I do need therapy. Yeah? Yeah. Come join us.

I really need therapy, dude. I'm fucking, I am nuts, dude. Dude, it's good. It's's fun my therapist is having a baby so she's gonna leave me soon but it's whatever i'm not even that worried about it there's a guy in there's a guy in new york that does therapy for like all the comics like he did for most comedians he does he's a therapist yeah so i have the recommendations like i think in fact i met him at soda he's sodas therapist i met him at sodas uh taping and he was like come see me it was right right after the snl thing so he knew he was like why don't you come talk to me for sure

dude i swear to god when i went to when i first went to a therapist i was like i was like going to school for social work and it's like well if i'm going to a therapist, I was like going to school for social work, and it's like, well, if I'm going to do therapy, I should probably see what it's all about. And I could have sworn in my head, whatever this was, two, three years ago, I was going to walk in and be like, here's my deal. And she was going to be like, holy fuck, I never even thought of that. Dude, you're good. And, dude, it was just two and a half years later, I'm like,

what was that thing you said again, Hannah, I'm supposed to say to Brittany? I forget. I just go for a week. I'm like, here's why everyone's bothering me. And it's all their fault. She's like, well,

did you ever think about this? And I'm like, no, I don't ever, and I never did that. I'm fucked. Fuck. See you next week.

Happens. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. For sure. Brittany doesn't do anything. She's like, have you ever told her what you need her to do i'm like what i gotta explain it she's like how could you know what to do unless you tell her i'm like all right i'll see you next week thanks hannah bye

it's like three years of it every year every week i'm like i think i'm good now and i go next week and she's like well do you ever think ever think about this? I'm like, fuck. God damn it. That's another humongous blind spot. I didn't know I had. Thanks. Great. Yeah, I'm going to need it. It's good. It's fun.

It's real. I love it, dude. It's about that time. You get to literally sit there and just be like, and then, and then nobody even respects me. And I couldn't find the cord. And my mom made fucking pork chops again. You're going to do the guys

going to give you the sand tray. You're going to go in. He's like, all right, and this represents, this one represents your mom. And she's fucking yelling at me and stuff. And I crashed her car. So what?

She let me drive it across the country. And I have the matchbox. This is the truck. This is fucking bullshit. He didn't even look at the sign. But yeah, dudebox this is the truck this is fucking bullshit he didn't even look at the sign but uh yeah dude i'm telling you this this platform is going to be fully up and running with uh it's oh yeah full affordable therapy for all the dogs dude no dog left behind bro come on yeah i i always thought therapy was pretty gay i did i did therapy once i told you this i went in once and the guy was like what do you want to do with your life?

Because it was like right out of freshman year of college. It was right after I quit football. I was a little bummed out, a little depressed, sitting at a healthy, like, 320 pounds, just chilling. It was wild. I was depressed as fuck. And he was like, what do you want to do with your life? And I was like uh i kind of want

to be a stand-up comedian he was like well you can't make money doing comedy what do you really want to do and i was just like all right fuck this guy he was like i know some people that do it as like a hobby you could do that but like you need to start focusing on i mean realistically he was giving good advice to 99 of the time He would have been right Was this guy a therapist or like a school counselor I don't fucking know I think he was a therapist I don't know That's bad practice you're never supposed to advise

Because you're not that person So for him that's bad advice It's what you do bro You're supposed to sit there and be like okay Why do you think you want to do it All he did was try to prescribe me Antidepressants He was like you're not funny here's olaf get out yeah and i never went back i went to one meeting and he was like i don't know if you should try to do stand-up and i was just

like well that well i'm gonna yeah dude i actually was told the same thing when i was you know my arm got twisted into doing uh doing my first marriage my arm got twisted into doing, uh, doing my first marriage. My arm got twisted in a marriage couple or couples counseling. And so you had to do a group. So it was me and her and the couples counselor. And I was just like, yeah, not, I'm not feeling this. I'm out. And then they're like, all right, well, I'm going to meet with you guys individually.

And then we're going to come back to do like a, you know, a check-in. So I went by myself and I was just basically like, fuck this. Uh, she's like, what do you want to do and i was like no no you don't understand like i need you to explain to her that this is done she was like no i'm not doing that blah blah so then she kind of she's doing the same thing she's like so what do you do you do stand up yeah i mean how realistic do you think that is the same fucking thing i remember like fuck you lady yeah oh what do you do give advice bitch yeah dude fuck you dude fucking dumb bitch i don't need you.

And then I left. And then I went and saw a movie by myself. I remember it. I went and saw, like, There Will Be Blood. That's pretty funny. I, like, sat in a movie theater by myself and watched There Will Be Blood. You watched that guy smash the priest's head with a bowling pin? Yeah.

He was like, yeah, I get it. I get this guy. He was like, I want no one else to succeed but me. I was like, that's all I'm saying. That's all I'm saying. This guy. He brings up a good point. I have a competition in me.

Dude. That's like Michael Jordan. Dude, have you been watching that at all? No, I've heard it's awesome, man. It is awesome. He's just a complete fucking dickhead. I mean, O'Connor. He rules. Yeah, O'Connor's breakdown is a lot better, so I'll keep mine short's awesome, man. It is awesome. He's just a complete fucking dickhead. I mean, O'Connor's – He rules.

Yeah, O'Connor's breakdown is a lot better, so I'll keep mine short. No, no. Listen to O'Contact. If you like this podcast, check out Contact. It's a good buddy, good friend. Chris O'Connor, great podcast. Yeah. Contact.

Also, you fucked it. Also, Dad, Mate. Also, all of them. But that's the only three I can think of. But Michaelordan would literally like he'd have like a bad game and somebody would always end up saying something to him like on another team would be like nice game mike he just spaz out killed him the next game like every single time someone was like i think michael jordan lost a step he step. He'd be like, piece of shit, motherfucker. He relied entirely on either actual slights or self-perceived slights.

Like a coach from another team, one night they were out to dinner during a series, during a playoff series. So they had like four or five more games to play against each other. After the game won, he had a bad game, and the other team's coach was at the restaurant and didn't say hi to him. He just left and didn't say hi to him he just left and didn't say hi to michael jordan yeah michael jordan was just like i'm gonna fucking kill them i'm gonna kill them all because like some coach didn't say hi to him he's like the

disrespect is insane so that was what fueled the dunk from the fail on us and be like motherfucker and just jump literally his entire career was fueled by constantly hating somebody and again dude it's just like there will be blood it's just like there will be blood i'm sitting there watching it like yeah exactly i get it dude this is how you have to progress you need to only self-progress can be made in spite of somebody else that's the only way you can progress yeah i need someone to be like, yeah, you're fucking gay. I just, I will do well. Yeah, be like, no, I'm fucking not.

No, I'm not gay. You're the one who's gay. You are gay. One of us has to be gay. And it's not me. It can't be me. That's so fucking funny, man. Oh, my God. Yeah, hisentine dog was fueled entirely by like

my dad's a bitch his dad did it to him in the first couple episodes he talked about how his dad like liked his older brother better yeah or like just not liked him better but like they were just ultra competitive him and his brothers were like psychos competitive and his dad would be like out working on a car or something and michael like he wouldn't be able to get the correct tool he'd be like and then he would be sent inside with his mother like he would he would fuck up and his dad would be like go inside with the women you're women go inside with the women it's just mich Michael Jordan just like, what the fuck? I'm going to dunk from the fucking foul line, dude.

Oh, my God. That's fucking nice. It is kind of nice to think about how years of compiled hatred just propelled his muscles to fly through the air and dunk a ball from where it was like, you can't dunk from there. And he was like, no one says that to me. Am I sitting in the fucking women? Am I sitting with the women at all?

Yeah, constant minor slights led to just the greatest athlete of all time. And, you know, arguably, you know, a shoe company. This guy's dad was so mean to him that, like, everyone just has his shoes now. Yeah, true. Just one guy being like, go inside with the rest of the women you pussy everyone's gonna i'm gonna have sweatshops in asia you just built 10 factories with that comment that's what i liked about uh that's what i loved about the movie vice that was my favorite part of the movie in vice when dick cheney was like fucking up on power lines in wyoming like getting duis and being a loser and his wife was like are you gonna become somebody

good or am i gonna have to fucking leave you and he was like i'll become pretty good he just destroyed the world he just instantly was like i'm gonna build an empire dude that happened the guy we used to work i used to work for and my brother and my cousin and my other brother we all like worked for this guy at one point he owned a property management company in philly he was uh when he was i think like 30 he just was like trying to buy houses like every other dickhead be like i want to buy and flip houses and it wasn't going so well his wife left him same thing his wife. His wife was like, I'm out, bounce on them. And then he just secured the, I don't, I think he got a line of credit.

Something happened where he secured the bag enough to buy like a couple houses and get it going. Now he owns, I think like, Oh man, it's something like 3000 units in Philadelphia alone. He's a billionaire. We used to shovel. There was a guy, I think I talked about before. We used to shovel his driveway. So he wouldn't let us use salt. We would shovel all of his properties. then we'd he at the end of the night or the beginning of the morning really they would drive us and pick up trucks to his house and like it would be like a just a legion of dudes would just shovel his big winding driveway

on the main line we weren't allowed to use salt or anything on the driveway so he wouldn't mess it up and then he he got his bay left him and he used that power to succeed he succeeded i mean he became a billionaire and uh his son he was like at the time was like probably five five years old maybe five or six and he would just come onto the site and make i can fire you i can fire you my dad comes at a price but the uh yeah he would sit he would sit on like my dad or my brother's lap when they were doing the excavator and there was like i would sit there with the laborers and this one guy would be like you get that boy pussy kevin and they'd be like dude stop you cannot fucking say this is the fucking like heir to a billion dollar real estate this

guy's gonna kill you yeah somebody should rape that kid, huh? Shovel. Yeah, you would have... That is my... I do tend to agree with that school of thought. I love when people use hate to fuel them to do really good things. Yeah. I'm a big fan of that. I think it's very funny. It is good. It's totally unhealthy. It really results in nothing but disasters. Michael Jordan,

Michael Jordan's like an alcoholic gambler. And also Michael Jordan's like the one example of when it went well. Yeah. And he's still kind of a piece of shit. Like he was like mean to everybody, but the guys like, like, you know,

created great guys like Dick Cheney, Michael Jordan. Yep. I think Hitler failed out of art school. The guys like, you know, created great guys like Dick Cheney, Michael Jordan. Yep. I think Hitler failed out of art school. He's probably like, all right, well, now this. Now this is going to happen. Oh, my God.

Yeah, there is something to be said for that. People just being like, fuck this. Yeah. People responding to failure by being an absolute tyrant. It's so funny. Dude, apparently, unless we just like have the blinders pulled off us, a lot of the countries are falling under the rule of people who are, like, now getting around their, you know, democratic time window of running. Like, that whole four years thing is starting to fade.

That was an idea that kind of spread across from America to the world. There's a lot of people who are like nah there's there's a guy in south america who's like they say he's like the first millennial dictator and he he actually came under fire because he's been uh i think just like the kind of like not yeah duarte like he's being like duarte like he's like i'm gonna shoot fucking gangsters i'm gonna shoot you drug dealer i'm gonna i'm gonna shoot you and kill you yeah this is another guy who when the covid thing spread he locked everybody down but then he put everyone in jail anyone who like would like take advantage of the situation he would throw him in jail make prisoners go dick the butt like hundreds of

them mashed bird to butt and he was taking pictures and shit of it but 80 of the population like yeah this guy's killing it i said dude you're going to get your head cut off. Well, yeah, there's like crazy. Start doing shit like that. You're going to eventually get your head cut off. It's in El Salvador. Oh, yeah, dude. He's going to get.

I mean, I think I do think they do know that. Like a lot of these dictators know going into it. Like this doesn't end well. Yeah. It usually ends by a coup. And you're getting like, stripped into the town. You get drugged into the town plaza, stripped naked, and thrown off a tower and hung. This guy's big dick in El Salvador, and they're thinking he's going to be like,

yeah, I know it's a four-year thing, but you guys are going to need me for a little longer. I think Bolsonaro's rocking something. Dude, the guy's been a president of russia forever now fucking putin putin is like i don't know why they even call him a president that guy's well yeah he loopholed it he became he's he was like prime minister or whatever then stepped down and became president and then it was his president that he elected now he's like the secretary and then he went back so he took a year off and then came back did he really he took a term off and there's no there's the term limits there are if you if you know you just can't do them consecutively that's funny

netanyahu is the same way netanyahu has been rocking like they had him on corruption shit and he apparently like just merged with his biggest enemy and now they both run they ruled together oh that was another one that started like that trump trump was purely a spite artist as well yeah the reason he ran for president was obama at the correspondence dinner being like oh yeah you really make some tough decisions don't you just cut to him sitting there like like everyone's like ah you fucking loser he was like like remember you thought he didn't have a bird like he was from kenya you fucking idiot and he was like all right all right well it's fine i'll just be president i'll be next he's like i know russia i can call russia dude

there's i was so i i do blankets right i read all the like blankets allows you to kind of read or you do audiobooks and i'll take an audiobook and give it to you in 15 minutes like the core thing to still down so every morning i wake i don't remember any of it i just listen and like little things stick with me but the one of the books was talking about how it's called i figure what it's i think it's called like super mind i again i don't know if i'd read it because it didn't wasn't all that cool but the uh or super thinking or something but they're talking about how you should always inverse everything everything you think and believe you always in you got to always be inverse in yourself so i started doing inverse thinking i've been reading

the economist or whatever and they're they're talking about how so there's an article about how they're saying like our election system is so up for like there's so many bugs in it, so many gaps for the Russians to sneak in. And they claim that the Russians thought Hillary was going to win and then infiltrated it to then – so then provide the proof that the thing got rigged. So they're going to infiltrate the election and then say like, hey, some – the Americans rigged it. Hillary rigged it because they thought she was going to win, but then Trump won. So, and I was laughing. So I'm doing, you know, I'm inversing and I'm like, that would be so fucking funny. Cause every, I'm like, dude, people fucking hate Trump. What's their problem with them?

If you look at it from their side, it's like he got elected. And then the, the, like the Russians meddled or whatever. And then there are people like, Hey, we have to stop the Russians from meddling. They're like destroying our democracy. And he's like, no, bullshit, fake, fake. Again, it is funny to think about that. Like, no, he's literally destroying our democracy.

Bullshit, fake. They just can't stand me winning. The thing is, he was winning for a little. He was doing really well, I think. I mean, you know, I literally know nothing, but it sure seemed like things were going okay. I'm just inversing. Yeah, I hear you.

My real political position is that I think he's funny. Of course. There's only one logical way to look at anything right now, and it's just like, yeah, he's pretty funny. He's pretty good. He makes me laugh. That's it. That's all you can do.

Yeah, man. If you're crying about him him you just need to shut the fuck up well that and that was and if you love him if you think he's like you actually are like the fucking dems are trying to drag him down it's like dude yes the dems are trying to drag him down but he's also a dipshit so he's also a retarded guy he's he's he's behind the wheel of a rocket ship and he's he's a moron i mean it is fun dude him talking about models dude and be like i don't know about those kind of models that was awesome that rules that ruled everyone's well everyone's well he's he's intentionally funny and it's awesome yeah Yeah, it is pretty nuts. Sometimes he's unintentionally the funniest dude on earth.

He's just – I mean, it continues to be the best possible – he's the best leader we could have possibly had for a pandemic. I think so. If the world's going to actually, like, collapse, it's hilarious to have a fucking retard at the helm that's just like, fucking drink bleach, dude. Say what? I don't fucking know who cares drink it

yeah man i i uh yeah it'll be weird it'll be weird once he i think he'll win another tournament when he's gone and we just have we're back to like standard like politicians it's gonna be fucking so funny because dude bitey's got fucking jammed man there's there's no way he's gonna biden's gonna but that the sexual assault allegation i think bucked him up when he was like i'm gonna say i'm gonna say unequivocally that i didn't do that but i also respect women thank you for your time i love you guys but i don't rape okay yeah nice that was fucking weird that's a good speech just be like look i love you guys so much dude i did i love you guys i've never raped i tell you i'm gonna have a girl vice president soon to be announced

if i kind of rapist would have a female leader in the office it's just gonna be it's just gonna be hillary clinton it's gonna be hillary and he's gonna die and we're just gonna have hillary which if that's the case if that's the case i will support her if she rules that much to fucking if she can literally if she yes if she sneaks in i will support hillary clinton if she dude that's rules to have an evil leader like a actually like trump's trump's inept yeah that's his that's his level He's a bad boy. He's just a fucking guy. He's just a guy. Don't get me wrong.

He's obviously smart. He's smarter than me, for sure. But she's diabolical. He's like a fucking – he's a dunce. If she backdoors her way into this by killing Joe Biden, she is my queen, dude. I will die for her. Yeah, man. I mean, she's scar from lion king she's

she's really it dude trump is definitely musafi trump is the man dude if she fucking it was like i just don't understand this is the thing i don't understand is like so baron you guys, we're under an existential threat, you know, like Trump is killing us. And the best you guys can give us is a stutterer with a serious history of like sexual misconduct. Stuttering rapist.

Literally a stuttering, right? It's, it's retarded megalomaniac for a stuttering rapist. Yeah, dude, dude, it's like, and they've divided us so muchuttering rapist yeah dude dude it's like and they've divided us so much that our country sits around is like i can't believe you're gonna vote for that stuttering

retard rapist and the other person's like i can't believe you're gonna vote for that fucking racist piece of shit rapist it's like how are either of you shocked that any that anybody would be shocked that you support who you support dude also i mean that makes sense yes absolutely and it's like how the fuck do again how is that they're you're telling me of all the fucking smart brilliant people in this country that's the guy like what the fuck is that job if that's the guy who's best suited on either side dude that's fucking so bizarre to me i don't know dude i had to go i went to an interview one time you should elect bill belichick dude yeah fuck yeah you should just get the best fucking president that's how get the best football coach put him in there that's what i'm talking about

belichick would be the best one that's a dude dude. That's a, uh, his press conferences would fucking rule. He'd just be like, yeah, we, uh, we bombed Yemen. We're, uh, we're done with that. We're thinking about we're onto,

we're onto Iran. We're not even fielding questions. People are like, what'd you do to Yemen? He's like, we're not even talking about it. We're onto Iran. Thanks to you.

Thank you. Oh my God, dude. So his secretary of staff is just like a bunch of wide receivers with big fucking diamond earrings. Yeah, let me see. Yeah. Secretary of State, motherfucking Ocho Cinco. That would be the business. Bilicek's the pick.

Yeah, man. And that's a good thing. They're like, well, Trump's a businessman. It's about time he had a businessman around this country. You're like, dude, we need a football coach. You know, strategy and stuff. He's a strategist, leader of men, champion. He could easily run the military.

Imagine soldiers coming at you just fucking seeking a post pad. Running slants across the fucking field. Couldn't hit them. ISIS would be befuddled. They move so quick. We could have hit them. ISIS is gone. every time we reference isis it's an old

it's hack isis's old hat dude they were serious who are we killing now it's now it's just there is no now the enemies are all internal well i think after people caught on to like that bill bin laden died nine times they were probably like, fuck, man, that sucks. Bin Laden was the undertaker. Bin Laden was. Once people found out Bin Laden was actually the man. Was he sick? Yes, dude.

Any freedom fighter is actually pretty sick. I remember, yeah, that's true. That's true. What he did stinks and America rules and Navy SEALs killing him is one of my favorite movies to watch. I remember, yeah, that's true. That's true. What he did stinks and America rules, and Navy SEALs killing him is one of my favorite movies to watch. I love it. I love knowing that Navy SEALs snuck into a guy's house at night and shot him in the head.

For sure. One of my favorite things that we've done. But they should make a movie about him. He had a wild time too. Yeah, dude. He was living in caves, eluding capture. True. From a purely, if i was not american i could see i could see uh being like i don't know both those sides did a lot of fucked up things and he was kind of the underdog yeah dude i mean any any if i lived in any country

if i lived in any country besides america and some guys like, yo, we're going to go fuck up America, I'd be like, fuck it. Fuck them up. I mean, dude, imagine watching Star Wars and being like, you're telling me I could go do that? Shut me the fuck up. I'll fuck you. But, I mean, imagine if Bin Laden was attacking China. If he was blowing up buildings in China, I'd still kind of be like, Bin Laden guy kind of rules, huh? Yeah, big time.

If he was attacking any other empire, I'd be like, nice. Yeah, dude, they they They ruled when they Destroyed the Soviets That's when Afghanistan ruled When the Mujahideen Yeah true That's when we Now they're gay

Because they're fighting the boys Dude they're trying to kill The troops They're just fighting the troops So I do take back Damn we're definitely Not going to be allowed Out of the armory

Dude we're going to be Allowed there We just supported Bin Laden dude We didn't support Bin Laden We said he was kind of You know Kind of cool Dude, we're going to be loud there. We just supported Bin Laden, dude. We didn't support Bin Laden. We said he was kind of, you know, kind of cool. Said he was a badass.

Who's cooler, Kim Jong-un or UBL? I mean, obviously, Kim Jong-un's still alive, even though he – Dude, Kim Jong-un was – you know, he was gone for three weeks. His first appearance was at a fertilizer plant. He just popped up at a fertilizer plant fertilizer plant was like well they probably don't understand that a fertilizer plant isn't stunting like that's probably stunting to them that was probably like a legit like they thought i was gone dude watch this flex i'm at a fertilizer plant dude who can stop me that was probably like a hard flex in north korea soil's fucking popping bro yeah how's your guys soil stinks ours is the best

our soil dude even though my people are eating each other they have some fucking cool i saw some cool propaganda from north korea about like americans have pigeon tuesday where we just eat pigeons because we're all poor yeah yeah there was a cool propaganda video from north korea that came out that was like americans enjoy pigeon tuesday and every day in the city of in new york because it's all it's all just b-roll footage from like new york city so they think we all they think united the United States is New York City. It's just kind of like Home Alone 2,

where a pigeon flies off a park and an old lady throws bread. Yeah. It's all B-roll of homeless people in New York. Look at how shitty the Americans are, dude. This is what their whole country is like. Fuck, man. It's so funny. But then they always brag about beating us.

They captured a warship during the Korean War. And they just will not stop. That's their number one trophy. I mean, Venezuela just totally squashed Trump's fucking attempt to take him. Then again, the weirdest part is... Dude, that sucks. We've never won a war. I know, man.

We can't take that. I used to think we were undefeated. It's like World War II, that was the Russians. Yeah. Vietnam took the L. Korea, I think it was a draw. Yeah, that's some bullshit. Desert Storm, we fucked them up, dude.

Actually, yeah, I take that back. The recent Middle East wars, I will give us Ws. A lot of people would say those are endless wars and we lost. False. Look at the numbers. I think we killed about seven million people for real no i mean we killed a lot of people in the last i mean dude again you don't hear about isis anymore we killed way more people than isis yeah but it's you know we did it we did

it for the right reason yeah i was i was reading uh dude i was fucking so what was it it was so i was reading the economist and it goes all the was it it was so i was reading the economist and it goes all the countries and it breaks down like stuff that's happening and they were talking about iraq and they're like iraq just has a new leader and you know it's like it's weird they're like america approves of this leader and i'm like saying how this is all a good thing i'm laughing like that's funny like they have to get iraq has to get like american approval on their leaders but then they're like but with oil prices dropping things are uncertain also there was a rebel attack that killed 18 people they

blew up a shopping center yeah yeah fucking christ man yeah we're like afraid of getting the flu right now we're like a couple of us could i don't want to get a nasty cold i'm not going outside yeah dude people in afghanistan go to, street festivals that literally get suicide bombed annually. Yeah, dude. Boston Marathon. It's all day. Boston Marathon's all day, dude, in Iraq. It's nothing but Boston Marathon.

If they had the Boston Marathon and three people died, no one even at the event would have brought it up later. It's like a parking ticket. You would have gone home and been eating dinner and just been like, oh, yeah, fuck. it was a fucking yeah it was nothing don't worry they wouldn't even have looked for him they'd be like they would have been like all right what kind of loser put that together have you seen have you seen some of those dude i've watched like some suicide bombings at these like prayer dude it is like it's crazy it's a giant bomb in like a packed

street of like people shoulder to shoulder it's like people just get launched into the air it's like it's nuts dude imagine back in the day when they're having a rough time that's a real rough time imagine they're having a rough time imagine before they had cable news and you know i guess now they have their version of like TV and stuff or the news. Back then, you just lived on a farm, and some guy could just bend your ear and be like, yo, bro, you want to go to heaven? That's what you got to do. And you're like, what?

Yeah, it's better than a farm. Farm sucks. I don't know. You never had a book. All your knowledge relies on people being like, yo, guess what, kid, who are older than you, but here's the deal. And you're like, thanks for telling me. Tell me I just got to go blow it. it okay that's what's up swag they also yeah and they're doing they were doing that i mean they still are to some extent using children

for their suicide bombs they're using like 12 year old orphans yeah so they're using they pick up like a 10 year old and you're like the explosion goes out. That's what the vest is for. It blows out. So you don't get hit. Just run into this fucking embassy. Shoot your bomb vest. Like a little kid. Oh, my God. Doesn't understand bombs. Yeah.

Oh, I probably adopt them. Like, you ready to go home to your family, little guy? Come on. Come on. This is gonna be awesome. Some guy in like a sweater and glasses. It's always like some PhD. There's always a PhD mastermind.

If you're from Iraq and you you get a history major you're like gonna lead a terror cell you are gonna you are gonna destroy people it's like dr facit aziva and it's just some dude with like small glasses and a sweater yeah and a sweater always a sweater you're exactly right always a sweater they're either they're either full religious garb or that guy yeah there's two types either you either you're like full religious garb or that guy. Yeah. There's two types. Either you're like full religious garb or you just went to Westchester University and you have a bachelor's in history. Yeah, and somebody drove by in a car and was like, fucking Muslim. And you're like, all right. I didn't want to have to do this, but.

I didn't want to have to do this, but I'm moving to Yemen. And I'm going to start a camp of like-minded dudes, and we are sick of it. We're going to blow up other Muslims. We're going to blow up camp of like-minded dudes and we are sick of it we're going to blow up other muslims we're above the different muslims how it feels anymore now with the fucking mask no mask there's like we have like full sunni shiites now obviously it's dramatic but it's like you walk around there's dudes without masks like i don't know bro and there's dudes with masks it's kind of like you just see this i love my mask you see people just looking at you like that's that's literally all that's what you do no one's weird said uh britney was looking at beyonce's instagram it's just pictures of like testing centers it's

like what the what are you doing like why are you doing that like what the fuck is this she's like so proud of my city right now and it's like dude who's making you do this there's no way you're finding time out of your day and being let me go take pictures of testing centers who the fuck knows what the what that world is dude i'd love to know it's so fucking corny it's bizarre dude i'm like dude it was you know on instagram there's like a post but there's like nine pictures there's like nine little dots it was just she did it was, you know, on Instagram, there's like a post, but there's like nine pictures. There's like nine little dots. It was just, she just, it was just like nonstop. Just like the drive through this, a picture of a Q-tip. It's like, dude, what, what is this?

Why is that your Instagram? Dude, what do you think about? I'm sorry. It's all good. I looked at Twitter for two seconds. I wouldn't be putting that phone down either, bro. Why? Oh, yeah.

Sometimes, dude. I wouldn't put, I don't think fucking fucking i don't think strapped to my head like a vr helmet at all there's a vr there's a vr upstairs that i may have to stop dude yes dude i'm an electronic paradise bro what do you even do oh you dude i have to poor man's it dude i fucking just use it on my regular phone and just angle and try to like see the x no i have uh i'm moving my phase in the background. Oh, fuck. I can't. I'm not going to jerk off with my niece's VR.

Can you take another... No, I'm really not. That's fucked up. That'd be super fucked up. Can you get back to... I wonder how many toys or shit I had grown up that my uncles jerked off with. I mean, you didn't have any VR capability. What are you talking about? I know, but I might have had like a nice doll.

I think you're safe. I might have had like a nice stuffed animal that my uncle banged. I think you're safe. I wonder how many people nutted on things of mine. I don't know. I think VR is what kind of started that up. I mean, dude, that's a tough conundrum, dude. Oh, man, imagine that. When your kid gets old enough for Oculus Rift, it's like, dude, let's just –

come on, babe. Let's get him an Oculus. That's a self-gift if I ever saw one. You're just going to jerk off. Yeah. I mean, it's the family computer. It's the family computer. With an Oculus Rift?

Oh, my – with an Oculus Rift? Family computer took a beating. That was – especially probably at your house. The family computer took uh took a beating that was especially probably at your house the family computer at your house oh dude calm dumpster there was floppy it was like full north korea there's floppy disks would get like fucking confiscated my mom would find like a floppy disk of your guy's computer must have been such a slut dude it was my computer my computer was just me and my pop it's a nice nice father-son tag. I didn't know my father could. I genuinely never thought of my father jerking off on the computer.

But he had to have. Yeah. He had to have. I mean, you'd be surprised how. Geysers probably jerk off to like magazines and shit. I would have caught. I think they did. I would have found his porn and I never did.

Yeah. Because like my dad didn't know how to type, nor did he have any idea about the history. That was the thing. That was a cool thing about our house. We knew about web history and my parents didn't know how to type, nor did he have any idea about the history. That was the cool thing about our house. We knew about web history, and my parents didn't know what the fuck it was. And they didn't know we could delete it. So they would go on and be like, no one's been using the computer.

Where's my websites? It just restarts. I don't know. Yeah, I guess that's true. My dad's had the same job. His job is to travel, but then also to send emails. He still can't type. His job every single day is to send emails. He still can't type. His job every single day is to send emails.

He just packs emails. He can't type. Yeah. He's been doing it. It's like, dude, your job could be done in five fucking minutes. Do you know he can hire a virtual assistant for like six bucks an hour just to let you be like, hey, send this. He can just dictate emails.

I should probably help him. I'm a fucking loser. Dude, hire him a virtual assistant my boy was telling me about this you can just be like hey i'll do it for you charge him 20 bucks an hour and just hire a virtual assistant and then just give it all sub it all out you can make it 15 bucks an hour off your dad right now dude i can't be ripping off the geese that would help that would help him a lot you set up a virtual assistant for him dude he could get shit done so fast i'll tell you what's been weird, and this is a little off topic.

I was just looking at it. His desk is over there. Yeah. I'm looking at a stapler that we have had my entire life. There's certain things in this house that I've seen the last couple, because I haven't stayed here for this long in a while. There's just shit that I've seen my whole life. There's 30-year-old pieces of shit that have just stayed in this house

somehow. And you just see him. It's wild. It's wild to see like, cause this is how it happens. Like, you know how you go to like an old person's house and there's just like, how do you have a clock from 1960 on this wall?

Yeah. Like dude, my parents have stayed in this house forever and there's just shit that like somebody put in the back room in the basement that's just... There. It's just always been there. Since I was...

I've only lived in this house my whole life. That's just always been there. It's like a sled in the corner. Yeah, that's kind of weird. A hundred-inch shit sled. The stapler I'm looking at has been the stapler in my family forever. I can't believe it still lasted. I feel like I'd buy a stapler and it just breaks in like fucking three months. It's a good stapler I'm looking at has been the stapler in my family forever. I can't believe it still lasted. I feel like I buy a stapler and it just breaks in like fucking three months.

It's a good stapler. This thing weighs like fucking 20 pounds. It's a quality stapler, dude. This is back when they used to make stuff to last. Stuff like this. Stuff like this incredible mug. This mug that will last you forever. Get it on merch pump.

But we're going to get our own shit. Fucking gas, fucking gas dude yeah we got our own site in the mix bro a lot of rules gas rules i take that you know just so everybody knows obviously gas rules but it's time we uh you know gas is america we're basically iraq so it's time for us to spread our wings yeah dude they're they're pumping the oil out of our fields it's time we they have been assassinating our resources yeah it's time they assassinate. They have been stealing our resources. It's time they assassinate the person they put in charge of us and just do our own thing. Let it crumble into chaos. Yeah, it's time for us to lead.

Yeah. Yeah, that's it. That's it. I'm going to pray to Allah that I get another fucking FaceTime tonight. Yeah. It can never be enough. You know, that's the thing that sucks. It's never enough.

It's always like, oh, something awesome happened last night. Yeah. It needs to happen again. It can never just be like, oh, that was a beautiful thing that happened. Enjoy it. It's just always like, well, I need it again right now, or she's a bitch. Yeah, man. That's the standard soul air. I mean, that's what fucking, you know, she's a bitch. Yeah, man. That's the standard soul air.

I mean, that's what fucking, you know, what was about Adam and Eve, bro. It's always there. It's always there, dude. Maybe you should be my therapist just on here. That'd be tight, actually. No, I can't put out all my fucking. Well, I kind of do anyway. I'm a loser.

You think you do. You think you do. Then you get off in there and you're sitting in a room with a lady and you're like oh there's more oh no there's definitely way way oh wait here we go forgot about this one yeah oh yeah yeah man it's fun it's it's cool it's i'll say this about that it's really cool because you're operating on you're just operating like status quo and there's you just there's just things outside of your you know your peripheral vision your your personal kin it's just there's things beyond you and then all of a sudden they come into play and you're like oh whoa i can actually incorporate and you're like you slowly do it and you're like oh this is weird i didn't know i could do that it's dude it's so

fucking wow it's so crazy i'm excited picking up on dynamics and like because dude the quality of life's quality of relationships it's like if your relationships are fried you know then it's like this in my personal experience i would be like i'm going to transcend oh my i'm going to do something so cute that every and it's just like it doesn't you just peter out and you're like fuck fuck so yeah man it's uh it's fun it's a good time it's fun do. And it's, you know, now knowing just like to be able to trap somebody in a room and they can't leave and you just get to talk, it's so fucking sick. Like, oh, and another thing. Oh, yeah.

And then like talk for 10 minutes and be like, yeah, that was totally pointless. Sorry about that. Anyway, so here's this other thing. Well, that's the thing is I change my mind on what I care about so often. Like I have been very up and down as far as like one day I'll be like, no, I'm the fucking man. The next day I'll be like, I suck. Everyone hates me.

Yeah. So I'll probably go in there and talk to this guy and be like, I really don't care. And then like an hour later be like, why would I say that? Anyway, we got a lot of things to work on. I think I'm the best. I lot of things to work on i think uh i'm the best i don't need to work on anything no exactly you just need to get pissed and attack i am pissed i need to be able to attack i haven't been able to attack true that's the thing too i'm

still like dude i i finally felt it today being like all right i'm fucking kind of losing it at first i was like i'm cool i'm chilling but again if i start jogging again i'm back on top i'll be fine if i go jog for 0.2 miles dude i'll be right back i did 10 push-ups yesterday and i was like all right things are back i'm the man no uh not being able to do stand-up is it sounds gay because it is corny to hear comedians be like i need to express myself but it is what I do and how I literally validate my entire life. Yeah. Is if I did well today at stand-up.

Yeah, man. Not being able to do it is just like really, really, really gay. That sucks, dude. It does suck. It really fucking sucks. And, dude, they're like talking about lockdowns forever, bro. I'm done.

I'm done locked. I'm done being locked out. We'll be, we'll be in the studio. I mean, we got to set the studio. So the next episode is in the studio. I'm going to talk.

I'm going to talk to Connor's writing a cartoon. That'll be sick. Yeah. You should just start. We should just start filming stuff. Yeah. You and me should do like a weekend update. That's what I'm saying.

We could do like a news anchor weekend update. That would be, we should. We should do that. We should rent out the fucking room in the armory that has all the generals. Yes, that's for war mode. Yeah, that'd be fucking sick. We could do four rooms.

Article for history would be good in there too. True. I got that. The research is done, by the way. Dude, we could do the finale. A dog did the research. I saw that. It was pretty tight. We can do the be good in there, too. True. I got that. The research is done, by the way. Dude, we could do the finale. A dog did the research. I saw that. It was pretty tight.

We can do the finale in that room, dude, and it'll look so fucking sick. Yeah, it'll be tight. There's so much we can do. There's things we can do, dude. We'll triumph over this evil fucking disease, dude. The invisible enemy. Thank you to everybody that's been supporting us on Patreon. Please continue to do that so I can keep doing cool things

like getting cool video games and shoving it in our enemies' asses. We got to do a dog check. We'll do a dog check-in this week. Oh, yeah, we were supposed to do that today. We're going to do a roll call this week. That'll be fun. That'll be fun. If Jord's not on it, I'll be devastated. Yeah, that'll be fun that'll be fun if jord if jorbs not on it i'm i'll be devastated

yeah that'll be i i hope he's there i have a new i have a whole new format too we can even just try to see how that works um it lets a thousand people in so that'll be sick and there's a live it's all in one thing live chat yeah i'm gonna i gotta talk to a dude at 9 p.m that he's gonna hit me with the deets he's gonna inform me with the website and all that stuff model of for the psych and all the groups so he's gonna he's basically giving me the deets he's gonna inform me with the on the website and all that stuff model of for the psych and all the groups so he's gonna he's basically giving me the deets of like here's how you're gonna do it so nice big thing dude the thing this is we're building a fucking i mean it is it's time it's counterculture bro everyone's leveling up everyone's leveling up everyone's getting paid because things are gonna get pretty wicked wicked, dude. Yeah. And the squad is tight.

The squad's too tight. It's unbelievable. I got to end scuffling. That was two hours? God damn. You fucking worked your ass off. My parents think I am such a fucking gay loser. Why? I just sit down here and do radio shows.

You're doing your little podcast. Oh, man. Like man like dad get the pork chop ready i'm coming upstairs for pork chops i'm done with my radio shows it's pork chops pork chops glass of milk shower video games until bedtime wait by the phone dude and then i wait by the phone for like lauren michaels to call me then i talk to lord michaels and louis ck you do you are in the weirdest purgatory of just that kind of shit it's so fucking funny it's insane it's so funny that's what i was talking about like getting canceled and still having to like ride the subway yeah it's insane like to get canceled and still be like in this weird purgatory where like, can we work with him?

Can we still use like agents or like, like Lorne Michaels will talk to me and be like, how are you? And I'm like, not great, dude. Yeah. I don't know. Things are fine. I'm exactly where you left me off. Well, it's weird.

Cause if you start adjusting to kind of normal life and you have some like kind of larger than life figure contact you it's got to be like what the fuck yeah yeah yeah for sure what's going on at all times what you got for me they're like well and you're like all right yeah it's just i that's fucking bizarre who knows it's bizarre but uh but dude we had the the regime stays tight dude all that matters death to nego fags death absolute death to all the nego fags look i get it if you're a nego fag trust me i've been there i'm trapped in this prison of being a nego fag yeah you don't always have to be a negative faggot your whole life yeah i saw this thing and it sucked everything i watch isn't good

yeah dude so bob dylan did he didn't like anything he watched became a hit fucking songwriter but yeah man or he could have sat in his room and fucking cried. Yeah, he could have just made songs and been like, sometimes I listen to the Beatles and I don't think they're good. And the Rolling Stones are faggots. No, he went out and made his own shit, dog. Yeah, dude, exactly. Level up, bro.

Exactly. Also, if I see you, I'm going to beat the shit out of you oh yeah for sure all right all right we're at it peace bro later brother