Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Geezer Face

Episode Date: March 16, 2020

The cast can keep the dawgz from the studio but it couldn't keep the studio from the DAWGZ... Shane is trapped in Salt Life. Matt is technically all about Salt Life and would be shredding a skim board if he was there, but he's a family man now, and doesn't have time to shred the shallow tides. But he totally would. The cast is on video too now: https://youtu.be/Ag_JwzD The cast can keep the dawgz from the studio but it couldn't keep the studio from the DAWGZ

We live, baby. What's going on? We're live, dude. I got some phones. Yo, I don't know if you noticed, dude. I spruced up a little bit. What? My setup's looking a little tighter right now.

Your setup looks sick now. Check it out, dude. Damn. Are you outside right now? I'm about to be. My Salt Life hat's not working. There you go. I was wondering why I couldn't hear you.

How am I sounding on your headphones? You sound perfect. Beautiful, dude. Beautiful. I don't see you in that natural light. It's Salt Life, dude. Damn. It's Salt Life, dude. You might step outside and fade from view.

You're so negative, dude. It's like a Harry Potter invisibility cloak. Just like everybody in my life, dude. Nothing but negativity out of you. No way, dude. I was working with my inherent negativity today. I don't even want to hear that.

Well, a lot of people are mad that I'm here, which is very funny. Who's mad at you? I don't even want to hear that. Well, a lot of people are mad that I'm here, which is very funny. Who's mad at you? I don't know. I was talking to Soder. He was like, what are you doing there? I was talking to people. People are mad that I'm here. Why are they mad you're in a...

Dude, they're jealous that I'm in Salt Life and they're in fucking New York, dude. True. New York would suck dick during this. That's tight during this whole thing. You're just driving a Jeep, Salt Life in it. Bro, I was just driving a – dude, I'm driving in the Jeep around my island and it's like – You're a native, bro. It's so sick.

You're like a native Hawaiian by now. Aloha. Mahalo. So what's going on, bro? Dude, as you can see, reset my place up. I mean, you probably can't see. That's basically salt life. I mean, come on, man.

I should be surfing right now. I just can't. Yeah, I hung a sheet up. My dogs are behaving. They're over there. They're being good. You see my globe? Yeah, let everybody know you're worldly, bro. Well, well i mean i don't know if you pay attention like this do you

see where it's set to the latitude oh i see it yes right on the 30 second parallel right on you're pointing it out letting them know right on wuhan dude. Exactly. The 30-second latitude is right over Wuhan. Dude, I didn't realize how big Wuhan was. Huh? How big that city was. Is it big? I thought you could see that from my globe. I'm like, how the fuck can you see that?

Oh, yeah, yeah. No, it's like it's massive. Yeah, every city over there. Like we have like two cities. We have New York and L.A. they have like 20 cities at least that are those sizes it's wild yeah population wise they have like big metropolises yes big metropolis is full of people just fucking crushing bats dude oh god dude just transylvania instead of starback they have star bats dude everybody's just in line crushing bats.

Damn, dude. It's funny, dude. It's just geezers at the pool during the day. I'm going to do Graham Stokers. I'm going to do a new vampire movie that just ends with him turning into a bat and he can snatch out of the air in a net and distribute it through a wet – it'll make the end of – you know, like the end of – fuck, The Irishman where it's just like 20 minutes of his sad old life.

Yeah. Dracula will just be trapped in with a bunch of other bats, unable to transform. He turns back in. They just gobble him up anyway. They're like, whatever, dude. Yeah, dude. I just watched The Irishman last night. Why are you calling it The Irishman?

That's how it's spelled. The Irishman. It's The Irishman. Yeah, that's weird. You can say Irishman. That's not i didn't so you can say irishman that's not offensive but you would say batman huh china man you know i'll say you say the irishman but you can't make a movie can't make a movie called the china man why is that i think i've talked about this my my friend's dad used to call any asian

a chinaman oh like girl like girls like they is yeah like they had uh they they're like aunt and uncle adopted these asian kids and then come here get over here you little chinaman just yeah he's just kind of sweet that's kind of sweet in his own way. It is. So how are they now? There's a, are the relations contentious or are they like, I bet it is.

You get a little older and you're like, I was kind of fucked up. I don't know, dude, that might be how you produce a beast like Andrew Yang. It might be, it might be his origin story, dude.

He has a white adopted father. It was like, get over here, China man. Is this highway and all these sick-ass mopeds getting picked up on the audio? Not on my headphones, no. Okay. Not on that mic, bro. You got a pro mic right there. I got the sniffles, bro. I got caronis.

I got caronis, bro. You hooked up with Charles Barkley. I hooked up with Charles Barkley on spring break in Miami, and now I think I have carone's. I got Karone's, bro. You hooked up with Charles Barkley. I hooked up with Charles Barkley on spring break in Miami, and now I think I have Karone's. Were you at the chem sex party the guy got busted for? No. I heard it was you, Sir Charles, Obama's aide, and then like a hot jacked male prostitute.

I was definitely near. I was close, dude. I was close by. If they would have known I was in town, they would have invited me. True. But I was out with the boys, dude. When, last night? No, in Miami, dude.

We have a new college football team. Our college football team is Penn State. Oh, that's what – We switched, dude. I thought it was the Hurricanes. No, it was the Nittany Lions. So you were Penn State the other night. I was.

I had to remind them that they did, in fact, their team did bang boys. How did they like that? They laughed. They all, you know, they lulled about it. They were like, yeah, yeah, we do. Yeah. Dude, I've said it before. They should be named the Penn State Sanduskies.

That'd be incredible. That's terrifying. They need to embrace it. They really do need to embrace being Duskies. The Penn State Sanduskies, dude. Well, we were talking about it. We started talking about it, and one of them brought up a thing I never really fucking thought of,

which is, so do you remember the story where the coach saw, coach Mike McQueary, this is like Ginger, walked in and saw Sandusky getting down with a boy in the shower. Yep. And then just didn't stop it. Dude, he went home and he told his parents and his parents called a doctor. And the doctor interviewed him, like, did you see him have sex? And he was like, no, I don't think they were having sex.

But I never – one of them brought it up. It was like, dude, imagine being that? And he was like, I know. I don't think they were having a doctor. I never, the one of them brought it up. It was like, dude, imagine being that little kid and be like, Oh, thank God help. Yeah.

He just walks away. And you're like, what the fuck dude? Dude, he literally, he, he reported it to his parents. Like he's clapping my cheeks,

dude. You got to help. Yeah. He puts it out, dude. That guy bitched out. His parents were like, are you sure you saw it he was like i mean i guess i can't say i was sure he was molesting him they were just showering together naked that was kind and then he he's like that whole thing

this guy is like freaking out he's like this whole thing's ruined my life people called me a coward it's like you were a coward. You saw a grown man showering with a young kid, and you weren't like, dude, what the fuck are you doing? I have more sympathy, or like empathy for real, for the Parkland security

guard that didn't go in. A dude who walked past a kid getting fucked up. I don't know what's going on in there. Well, the whole family dropped the ball. Dude, if you listen to that Malcolm Gladwell book, Talking to Strangers, they talk about this. And he literally, the family was like, I'll call my doctor friend.

He's a mandated reporter. And the doctor was like, I'm not reporting this. He was like, dude, let it go. And then they let it go for like a year, and then he brought it back up. Oh, man, I hate to even hear about all this drama down here what just eat all this drama dude i mean it's salt life bro what's going on down there no bro nothing okay oh you're talking about you're talking about the boys having fun dude i don't even like to hear about junk like that that's crazy damn somebody just ordered dominoes what's up somebody just ordered a dominoes truck just pulled up that's crazy damn somebody just ordered dominoes what's up somebody just ordered a

dominoes truck just pulled up that's a big get for somebody damn is that your eagle's nest you're just watching takeout vehicles i see what's going on dude you see there's a fucking this will all be mine one day oh i'm getting i'm getting dominoes shortly there's a i didn't know that that would be a dominoes capabilities now that's coming uh there's a there's a i didn't know that that would be a domino's capabilities now that's coming uh there's a there's a fucking like shitty tattooed couple that's down by the pool like shitty but now there's you know they're leathery skin now both fat both covered in tats and they both went down to the pool i was out of the pool swimming earlier and they came down and set up a bluetooth in between them they both laid out on like they were sun tanning and then started

blasting like metal stop put a bluetooth speaker on that was like i don't even know what type of music it was it was like corny like three doors down type like oh it was like butt rock yeah so it was it like hard it wasn't metal it wasn't metal it was like nickelback type like never made it as a bad man do you listen to hard rock listen to modern rock oh that's tight while the guy was like taking a nap While the guy was like taking a nap. What the fuck, dude? And this is how you remind me. Yeah, the pool was popping right now. That song kind of slaps though, dude.

How You Remind Me does slap. My Own Prison by Creed fucking slaps. Creed is good, dude. Creed is undeniably good. My Own Prison fucking rules, dude. Arms wide open. Dude, when I listen to Arms Wide Open while I'm driving, dude, come on. I've never driven a Jeep, and you feel like a real –

I like to listen to my music loud. You know me. But driving with a Jeep, you feel like a real dickhead. Yeah, that's a weird – Blasting rap. That's a weird disclaimer you probably want to put off to every single person you pull up next to and be to. Someone gave this to me. It's just my identity.

Jeeps are fun to drive, though, dude. I drove one for a while. Jeeps are awesome. They're pretty tight. Is yours automatic or stick? Automatic. It's tight. Yeah, that's what I asked him, dude.

I couldn't drive stick. I'd be fucking stalling out. That's the least salt life thing you can do. It's constantly stalling out. Be like, motherfucker, you should stall out and just flip your own Jeep over. But yeah,

I was mudding. Oh my God, dude, we have a situation on our hands. What's the search? We got to interview McAfee. Oh yeah. March 30th.

I think, I think March 30th, they're going to start doing the interviews because i think he's gonna interview a couple people or be interviewed by a few dude uh what do you know of him uh sorry dude it's all good geezer just fell he's yeah dude oh true that is ominous that is dude it is like i think i might have said it earlier it's weird to be down here during like a crisis yeah it's literally i went i went down to watch the sunset last night it was just a packed bar just fucking totally packed i just drove past it like nope

yeah no one here gives a fuck at all yeah well again it doesn't really spread in the warm weather apparently that's why it's been so lame in africa that's why people are saying like it doesn't affect black people because like in africa the virus is kind of weak it thrives in the colder i think it's i don't know because i think uh nobody's visiting visiting Africa the way they are Europe and the United States. Maybe, but they're still pushing out. And I'm pretty sure Africa doesn't have a lot of geezers. I think the majority of their population is very young. True.

You know what I mean? Yep. But I have heard from a scientist that warm weather doesn't stand up well against warm weather. Okay. So they posted, they got some Roni's in the lab. So you should be safe. Barkley might,

it might've died when Barkley, like right before he got real close to you, they might've hit the warm weather and died before it got into you. I was, I actually was the one who suggested to Barkley when we met, I was like, dude, I'm not going to touch you,

but what's up, man? How are you? And he, he, he extended the pound. I was the one who, I'm not going to touch you, but what's up, man? How are you? And he extended the pound. I was the one who suggested, let's not touch. You said that to Sir Charles. I said that to Sir Charles.

I said, I'm not going to touch you or ask for a picture or anything, but it's nice to meet you. I'm a big fan. Dude, you're like Trump. You might be like Trump. He doesn't shake hands with anybody. There's very... Matt, the more we talk about it, the closer I think I am to being like Trump. He doesn't shake hands with anybody. There's very – Matt, the more we talk about it, the closer I think I am to being Donald Trump. The liberal media hates me.

That would be tight if Donald Trump was just a figment of your imagination. Remember when we talked about being stuck in your salvia trip? Yeah. We're still in your salvia trip, and this is just a figment of your imagination. I'm going to wake up and still be just a bad college football player. No, I haven't even cried and quit yet. Oh, I was in GQ today.

What? What did they say? Yeah, they interviewed Bo Nyang, and he talked about how he reached out to me, and really, you know, he was very caring towards me, but he made sure to, you know, yeah, wasn't great. Just like, it's like, I mean, it was fine, but it's just like at the end, it's like, if you're going to say, if you're going to like push boundaries and stuff, like, don't

be surprised when it's like, dude, why do people keep saying this it's like i'm not surprised yeah i wasn't surprised the whole time i was like i get it also you don't think people are pushing culinary boundaries down in wuhan exactly dude and don't be surprised i'm not mad at them dude i respect their art i respect the culinary art no matter where it takes, I'm not going to infringe on culinary art. I agree. You want a munch of B? Yeah, I'm an American, bro. I'm not into taking away people's rights.

I'm not taking away rights. I'll just defeat the epidemic, dude. Bring it on. Did I tell you I was looking at the images of the fucking wet market down there? No. Go to Google and look at the images. Dude, it's wild. Shane, dig this, dude.

Dig this. Shit, hold on. If you bring it up on here, will it show up on here? I can. I got to open up. Hold on. I'm going to pause recording because I got to do something. I got to do some tech thing.

I'll be right back. We're right back, dude. I never should have even stopped. I should never even stop the stream. I'll never do that again. I apologize. But no, I don't think you got it. I don't think you got Corona, Shane.

Okay. I don't. I don't think I do either, but I am definitely like... I did a bunch of shows. Bam. What's good, dude? Oh, sick. What's good, Poppy?

There we go. Look at those images, dude. Now we're split screen. All right, let's get these images going. Oh, okay. I like that. That's what these boys are getting into down there. That's just some oysters.

There's nothing wrong with that. That is – that looks good. I'd give that a New York A-. You'd turn that into fucking some hamburger helper, dude. Some fat helper. What is that? Those are some sort of

gigantic clams. There's nothing wrong with that. They're just hacked up giant fish. Wearing the mask. mask oh this might be this might be uh oh this is saying no china's excuse me fresh food markets dude not a wet market that's actually a racist term so uh this one calls it wait what was that fucking article no it did not cause why are they trying to be like no that's not where it came from it's like dude yeah i think it is yeah there's no room for fucking bullshit around a pandemic yeah it's like no they're allowed to keep this market oh click the fucking one with the

dogs are oh those dogs are getting munched dude i don't know if they're getting much or not i think those dogs might be getting munched you think that's you don't think that's like a my first year next to the dogs dude that's a pet smart pet kennel dude that's just the pets they're being crate trained outside don't worry about it oh never mind there's a sleepy dog up top left in that picture where go back to that uh dogs in the kennel oh dude what is this what is this? All right, well, these ones? Yeah, look at that sleepy dog. He's taking a nap, dude. Oh.

See if I can bust it all up. Yeah, dude. All right. Well, they need to knock it off, dude. Yeah, it's not chill at all. Isn't that pretty cool, though? Yeah, it is cool my mouse is disabled so i don't see anything that bad i'm not gonna lie i mean really i mean

dude that's fucking disgusting it's just a pig outside dude what are you talking about no i'm not worried about that i'm talking about that one with the lady with like a kiddie pool filled with guts that's fucking disgusting it's fucking wild now look now you could definitely take pictures of like a slaughterhouse and be like well this is filthy and i would agree true but i think the problem lies when you're mixing animals together like that also if anybody wants you if anybody wants to talk shit it's like i will go get some entrails and put them in like a plastic cooler and i'll try to sell them on the street and we'll see how well i do people will come and yell at me they'll be what the fuck are you doing them out break them out at work if any of you

have bring work to lunch just bring a cooler full of like cats guts start fucking slurping them up i'm gonna bring a whole animal to work and disembowel it just go to the break room and just butch it yeah just cut open a squirrel just dig into it i disembowel an animal next time i next job i get i'm gonna go just bring a full animal like what it must taste so bad like i've seen that i've seen a couple videos of people just munching like raw animals it must be so fucking gross yeah yeah but i think you have to be so hunk well because i'm still reading that book about the uh lost boys and they would be like wandering for like 10 days or whatever it was, five, six days,

and then somebody would shoot an elephant in the distance, and little boys would run up and just pull the elephant's skin open and start eating its raw elephant meat. And they were so hungry. They were like, this shit is good. Well, weren't they – isn't that – It's got to be disgusting. Is that kind of fiction, that book, or is that nonfiction?

It's basically – the author said – I mean, I'm sure that's like a – He said it's a he said it's a weird if he was taking liberties with elephant munching no i don't think so i think it's like a conglomeration of a bunch of people's stories as told there's one guy who like he said he based most of it most of it off of but he said like it's been the narrative is fictional but like little tales they tell i think are based off of people's thing but the guy the guy himself it's based off of loosely said that a lot of them exaggerate how crazy the shit was so they could get citizenship but these guys definitely just walking that far sucks so they did walk that far yeah and there probably wasn't a ton of food yeah but yeah they munched elephant like straight from the out ripped ripped it open, ate it.

They would climb up trees and take birds, like eggs, and eat the shells and everything. Dude, it's fucking nuts. That's what's fueling me through this thing. I go to the grocery store, and I'm like, I kind of hope we run out of a decent amount of food just so I, because I got like nuts, dried fruit. I'm like, I'm going to be a lost boy for like two weeks i think i'll kill i got i got like two cans of spaghettios uh box of cheerios that's your rations i'm set no i only deal in foods that end with o's that's how i'm surviving dude no i got uh i got some turkey some cheese some bread i got some pb

and j oh we're gonna be all me you're also you're also in a hotel so it's like they have to tend to you if you get mandated to stay there they're mandated to like they have to come clean your room every day they have to keep everything running as you did just clean my room just now which is nice yeah how's that work though it's like it's like living with mommy and daddy dude mommy just comes in and cleans my room, and then I go back to fucking around. There's, like, strict rules you can get yelled at and in trouble. How's that work? If you go on lockdown while you're in a hotel, what do they do?

You're not allowed to leave. I bet. Well, I don't think it's going to be like you have to lock down where you live. I don't think it's going to be like you have to lock down where you live. I don't think it's going to be like that. Yeah, but if they do lock down, they can't force you out. I bet they can. I bet they can.

You think? I don't think these people at the Laureate will give a fuck. I don't know if it's like a chain. I don't know. Yeah. If this is just one private hotel, they might honestly just be like, dude, get the fuck out of here. Or just be like, yeah, we're about to all leave, so there's going to be nothing here for a while. That would also be kind of sick. I don't know.

They might be able to get subsidized temporarily by the government to stay open. Keep you sheltered. Room service every day. They need to give me shelter and room service. But, all right, back to McAfee. No, mcafee no i don't know i don't know i know he started the virus thing right yeah the antivirus yeah was it norton mcafee or no mcafee yeah um and then he went down to like central america south america yes i think south belize wherever that is. South America. Okay.

And then he started like... Somebody told me he was getting like... He had the locals like taking shits on him. So that's from the Showtime... This is what I'm going to bring up. He got ran out by people with guns. So the Showtime documentary... I just thought he was like went down there, got a bunch of pussy, got in trouble.

There's a Showtime documentary out there who pins him as a murderer and rapist. And he claims that it's just the Belizean. Yeah, it's a strong one. It's a strong accusation. Strong act, dude. But he claims the Belizean government is propagandizing his name, lying on him, because he didn't pay them off. They were like, yo, give us $2 million for our campaign. He's like, fuck you.

And he's claiming that they made up a documentary about him getting his mouth shit in through a hammock. All the girls said they cut open the hammock and shit through the hammock into his mouth. And then he had a lady there who was like – A fucking tough accusation. I know. And if that's a government agency making that up, that's so funny.

Like the minister of beliefs to be like, Code Red will say we had ladies shit in his mouth through a hammock. That's weird propaganda. But he had a partner. He had a lab down there where he was apparently making natural pharmaceuticals. he was apparently making like natural pharmaceuticals for, he was trying to make, um,

take like a organic material and make antibiotics from it. And he had this lady who was, you know, a hot young lady who was apparently leading the lab and nothing ever came of it. And then he started getting weirder and get, he had like tied in with the gangs. He had like beasts of people. It was weird.

Then that lady out of nowhere was just like, he was getting weirder and weirder. Then I wanted to leave because he was lying about the stuff in the lab. Then he told me, she went to him and was like, fuck you, I'm out of here. Then he gave her a glass of orange juice. After a heated argument, it was like, here, have some orange juice. She's like, like an idiot.

I drank it. I think it was laced. I don't remember anything. Then I remember him just raping me basically i like ran away screaming bloody so her story is is weird i will say this it is a weird story to be like i'm gonna i'm i just like up and moved and have a like a lab in a shack in belize first of all huh that's fucking weird i was was like, okay, whatever. And then, you know, he's... Maybe he's a shaman, dude. Dude, so this is

the other thing. Maybe he's an actual shaman. Maybe he's living the dream. So before, the thing you did miss about him, according to Showtime Doc, after he got done with McAfee, he went and started a yoga retreat when he sold it. So he was like a guru for a while. And then he just up and stopped that and was like, fuck this.

And then went to Belize. So then he went to Belize. And then there was a post apparently that was traced to him where he detailed the ingredients. I think it's called MVPD. It's like a designer drug. It's like a bath salt. So it's like meth, but it makes you super fucking horny.

And it was saying that he was like, no, I wrote that post as a joke. He was just down there making meth that makes you horny and it was saying that he was like no i wrote that post as a joke he was just down there making meth that makes you horny that's a theory and it's also well it's kind of if you watch a documentary it makes the most sense that they were down there since i thought like synthesizing a weird like chem sex drug because they um because he started getting real paranoid he started like having like gang he like a huge security force you like gang members come and protecting him and then he was also like having he would like send someone out according to the documentary to procure like babes to come by and according to the belgian government shit in his mouth but it sounds like he had this weird belgian government's making that part up

they might i don't know. Unless he was taking the fucking meth he was making. His behavior... What definitely happened was he did have... He surrounded himself. He took pictures of these people. Hot young chicks. And like...

That rules? Rules. And like gangbangers. He was going down there apparently to get him dudes who ran shit. And being like, I'll pay you guys to like, you know. And apparently he like someone broke into his house. According to the documentary, he paid to get the guy fucked up. That was the guy who got his bird tased.

And apparently that guy went into a coma and died. He got his bird tased? Yeah, he sent his hitters, dude, to go and tase. And his hitters tased him in his dick? Tased his dick. According to the Malaysian government. They tased him in his dick? Tased his dick. According to the Malaysian government. They tased him. The Malaysian government, dude, I think are fifth graders.

What is it? They're like, yeah, I heard he has girls that shit in his mouth. Then he was mean to a guy. He electrocuted his penis. They're like FBI documents. And then, and then, and then, redacted then he came down here and came up with a drug that makes you super horny and then he was having all the local girls shit in his fucking mouth i think he's innocent dude we're gonna we're gonna get the skinny on him dude we're gonna

we gotta ask him he's gonna hang up right away no he's not dude the second we're like dude were you fucking getting shit in your mouth hang up no if you follow his if you follow his shit on social media anymore it's just him talking about like doing meth and like getting pussy so it's like he's he's busting a weird move i don't know what it is right now i'm on his fucking ass and i'm not against him right now i want to know what's going on i do think he went down there he met a hot young party chemist she showed him how to synthesize this party chemist she showed him how to synthesize this shit he can do whatever he wanted on that island so he because he started like uh outfitting the police at one point and all this weird shit so So I think he was like,

all right, I like this, like a sex meth. I'm going to just like pay off all these people around me and have like a kind of Epstein light where it was like, I don't think he was fucking with young. He was making sure they, he was like,

they're of age teenagers. Everything I did was according to the law down here. So we had like a, and again, Oh yeah, I do. I bet you that fucking age of consent down there is wild. Yeah. I bet you you're age of consent down there is wild. Yeah.

I bet you you're bordering around fucking 15 or 16. In South America, I think it's as long as you. Is that Central, Belize is Central America? Yeah. Because when I was in Brazil, I remember talking to a guy about, like, I was, fuck, how old was I? I remember I hooked up with a chick who was, like, 18 or 17. I forget how old she was. She was young.

Whoa. It was in Brazil. Whoa, what, Matt? We just made out. I didn't know, dude, because I went to a guy. You got to go hang out with the staff, dude. You got to hang out with the staff. You can't be doing what you're doing.

I was going out to the street parties down in Juarez. Party time, Matt. You end up making out with a kid. I was down in, fuck, where was it? Rio de Janeiro. You were dancing in the sand there's called lapis it's like an all-night street party and then i went to a club and they were playing like songs from way long ago so i'm listening to them like oh i know all the words i was the man in the brazilian club oh that's right i did that in spain yeah dude i sang karaoke and i was the only one that could speak proper english they would all try to sing

american songs and with their dumb accents. So I ended up just made out with this girl. Dude, stunning. And I remember I was like, Yeah, 17-year-old Brazilian. She said, She said, And I heard it, and I was like,

Oh, no, no. And I was freaking out. She's like, what's your fucking problem? I only had a taxi driver that night, but I told somebody. I was like oh no no and I was freaking out and she's like what's your fucking problem and I told my I only had a taxi driver that night but I told somebody it was a Brazilian guy and he was like what's wrong with you and I was like you're not allowed to do that he's like this is Brazil bro he's like as long as they're not a

fucking kid he's like if you're a pedophile you're a fucking pedophile and people it's just like they look at you like you're a pederast he's like does she have tits does she look like a woman I was like yeah he's like yeah bro she's a woman I was like so that's that guy I'm saying all that that's Brazil law dude he's like does she have tits or she looked like a woman i was like yeah he's like yeah bro she's a woman i was like so that's that guy i'm saying all that that's brazil law dude it's like does it walk like a duck it's a duck like wait hold on is she hot like yeah dude i remember i was all fucked up about it but again dude this was like down there it's i've said this before it's

just like the most beautiful women and just all of them they're just all walking around all day long so it's like it had a disoriented effect on me dude god damn it i'm not proud of what i did dude i was like that happens sometimes you gotta make out with a kid i should have fucking id'd her bro you're 23 that's nothing i was in college i think i might have been 22 i might have been striking i might have been 16 i forget she might have been older she might have been lying she might have been trying to fire me up true she's like oh here's the exact age you can't fuck with that's what i am in america so that is a weird thing so i think he was down there

just you know he said he had teenage girlfriends that's like he was down there having sex with teenagers. He said, I'm having sex with people. He had some teenage mutant ninja girlfriends. They were down there making sex meth and mutating into hot girlfriends. You got to see. They show his babes in the documentary. Dude, tight. It's funny.

One of them looks like Stevie's wife from Eastbound and Down. It's funny. One of them looks like Stevie's wife from Eastbound and Down. The older I get, dude, the closer I'm coming to enjoying Stevie's wife in Eastbound and Down. I mean, dude, that's exactly what happened. You said it from day one that she was a perfect sturdy bae. She's a workhorse, bro. Exactly.

That's spud terminology, dude. Workhorse is all he wants. He wants a strong, sturdy woman. They need to come out. When are they dropping their podcast, bro? They're starting a little Patreon. They should go strictly page, dude. They could do that. They have cameras and shit.

It's like, do a fucking podcast. They could do this, bro. Anyone can do Zoom. This is so fucking easy. Yeah, they could use the studio. I know. I'd be sad if they broke the first cast in the studio while I was – You remember our early days podcasting, bro.

It's nerve-wracking. You don't know – It is. You don't know who you are as a podcaster yet. You haven't found your voice. Well, they have phones. So now Billy records their phone calls. I listen to the one.

Pretty funny. Yeah. Pretty funny. Yeah. Pretty funny. And it's funny, too, to think about them doing it while they're at work. So they're at work on a job site talking to other people and talking to each other. Then now Andrew's – all Andrew does now is go, Bill, why are you being weird, dude? Why are you doing a bit on me right now? So the podcast is held up because Andrew's making fun of them for doing bits the whole time, so they won't record.

on me right now. The podcast is held up because Andrew's making fun of them for doing bits the whole time, so they won't record. Yeah, dude. Billy's stuck in bits, dude. He gets stuck in bits. That's a tough dude. That's going to be tough, dude, to get those two to roll. Dude, they could start and have a blast. I keep telling them, like, yo, this is the new economy, dude. With

Corona, we're all going to be locked in our house. If you're not a podcaster, you're going to die. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry. I mean, you see my setup I have right now, dude. I'm ready for the apocalypse. Yeah, it looks like it already hit. Is that guitar broken behind you?

No, it works. Not the head of it? No, it's just the head of it. Huh? Yeah. Why don't you strum a little something for the peeps? Oh, dude, you're going to make it seem like I put it there on purpose, bro. Come on.

What's it doing there? I was just cleaning my basement, dude. It happens to be near my globe, my guitar. I don't know, dude. It's just man of the world. You definitely set up your guitar for the fucking podcast. Why? I did.

Just for this exact moment because I knew you'd find it. Dude, I'm four-dimensional chess all day, dude. I knew you'd do this, and I'm like, oh, then I can bust it out, fucking rip it up. Rip something. I'll rip one thing. Yeah, rip it out of three. All right, just do me a favor. Rip one Salt Life song for me.

Oh, I got you, bro. Please serenade me with the Salt Life. Hold on. This is Salt Life as hell, dude. Sorry, I get nervous to play in front of people. This is salt life as hell, dude. Sorry. I get nervous to play in front of people. Sorry. I'm not going to play that song.

That's real salt life. Play it into the mic. Get it close to the mic. You're not here? There we go. Hold on. Hold on. Step on me.

There you go. Over the Hills. It's just salt life, bro. This is what it's all about. It's all about playing Zeppelin covers, dude. This is like an Apple commercial. Yeah, dude. I'm real nervous to play music in front of people, dude.

I'm still working on that. It's tough. Well, you just played in front of a couple thousand. Over the hills and far away, dude. It's pretty tight. That was good. You're really good at it. Oh, that was crappy, dude. I was missing a lot of notes,. You're really good at it. Oh, that was crappy, dude.

I was missing a lot of notes, man. I'm not going to. No, that was just the audio skipping. I'm taking my guitar out of fucking frame. The globe I definitely put there on purpose. I'm like, that's hilarious. You definitely put the guitar on it. Come on.

What was that guitar doing right there? 100%. I was like, I'm putting this in frame. Were you looking around your basement to be like, what's anything that doesn't look like shit down here? That kind of looks like this is an office? Yeah.

I 4D'd you into the guitar. He'll see that, comment on it, and I'll play. That'll be awesome. Sorry. Sorry, I did a deep dive this morning so I'm like 10 steps ahead of everything. I do apologize. Oh, man. I hope you get it. I hope you get car i do apologize oh man i hope you get it i hope you get coronis dude i hope you get it why would you curse me dude i got cursed we both got cursed

dude you got the curse of charles barkley dude charles barkley sir charles hit me with the curse no we got cursed by the chinese dude trip making sure i'm making sure the latitude's still on it's still on wuhan that globe floats down a little bit i gotta repair it you don't need good globe repairsman no how uh how's it going though how's uh how's everybody like you got a baby you got a brand new baby just in time for a global crisis really it's really fucking weird because if i like i want to bring her out with me when you go places when you bring her places and people look at you like she's really young i'm like yeah like oh wow but she actually uh dude it's really weird having a baby's funny as fuck because they i

didn't know they shit audibly they audibly shit themselves it's like a dude it's literally like a grandfather clock it's like every hour she just audibly shits herself and it's the funniest fucking thing in the world it's so fun she fun she shit my hand at the doctor i was putting her naked onto a scale to wear and she farted in my hand and i like looked at the doctor and laughed and both of them were like grow up you idiot and then i turned back and she shit all in my hand and just ran everywhere it was disgusting dude so dude it's well they probably saw the shit and you looked at them like, and they were like, clean it. Dude, you shit all over your hand and you're like.

It was a fart. It's loud farts because I looked and it was a loud fart. I could feel the air pressure. I'm like, holy fuck, dude. That was like 30 PSI. That was a hard fart. Breast milk is a laxative i didn't know that breast milk's a natural laxative i tried some tasted it dude it's it's good it's it tastes like the milk from honey nut cheerios it's sweet i just had honey nut cheerios well you just drank breast milk afterwards no i didn't i had honey nut

cheerios matt that's what it tastes like the milk after honey nut cheerios it's actually pretty good it's fucking gross that you drank breast milk i had a sip i had a tiny bit not i didn't have enough for like to take like a laxative property but i had a sit i took like a little a little drop i understand you're a curious guy dude you're not you're saying you're not going to taste it no i don't think why not Dude, you're saying you're not going to taste it? No, I don't think. Why not?

I don't know. I've never tasted my own cum. There's certain substances I never really had to taste. I've never tasted my own cum. I've almost done it, and I've always chickened out at the last second. I've been like, I can't do it. Wait, how close did you get? Like brought it up to your face?

Pretty close. Like a baby? I instinctively, yeah. I like i instinctively yeah i think i instinctively i instinctively like i think i'm so hetero i actually can't lick my cum so like i would go for it and my tongue would just like hit another spot that wasn't cum and i'm like i'm just gonna i'm not gonna do that i've always heard it i'm like i should know i feel like i should know what my own cum tastes like i feel like that's just proper self knowledge. I mean,

that sounds reasonable, but then you get to, then I don't know. I mean, that's a good party trick though. After sex, if you totally swab the deck, dude,

chicks would love that. I've known, I've heard two stories of two different guys that have come on someone and then licked it off of them. That's how you do it, dude. And that's a wild move. I think girls are like that. If you clean them up.

I think I've heard they don't like that. If you lick your own cum. I think it's a very jarring experience. If you're like, hold on, I got this. Also, who the fuck still is that horny after they come?

That's when you're supposed to be thinking the clearest, let alone the most horny. You know how horny you have to be to slurp your own jizz off somebody? That's crazy. I don't want to get this wrong but i think one of them was the barn dog and i could be wrong about that okay could be wrong he wouldn't mind if he turned out if i know if he was rumored that he was a come eater i don't think he would fight it too hard

i i don't i can i can safely guess that he has definitely tasted his own cum i think he's true i think he swabbed the deck before dude he's I think he's swabbed the deck once or twice, dude. Now we're using salt-like terms, and I appreciate it. I only... Oh, man, it's beautiful starboard out here. It's fucking... I only turn broadside to starboard now. I hope...

Is your porch next to, like, another room's porch? Yeah. I hope there's someone out there just, like, smoking a cigarette right now. Shit. You're exactly right dude bar dog has definitely some guys out there in retirement trying to drink orange juice and read the wall street journal he's like key west has changed yeah actually I don't think it has. I think that's exactly common Key West conversation.

Pop on the deck there. Who eats cum? Who doesn't eat cum? That's like front page of the Key West Times, dude. Local man eats cum. Actually, that wouldn't make the news here. I think most local men here eat cum. True.

A lot of swingers down there. A lot of swingers. It's a very gay town. Is it really? Yeah. You think having sex with another man's wife is gay? No, no, no. I said gay guys live here.

I thought you were calling swingers gay. Swingers are kind of gay. I would say there's truth to that. They're closer on the spectrum to... True. I like you appreciating it that it is a spectrum. It absolutely is a spectrum, Matt. Swingers are pretty close.

I would say swingers are like the threshold between being gay and bisexual and straight. Swinger, you're like basically bisexual at that point. Yeah. You dress the same. It's like earring. You're unbuttoning a couple extra buttons in the shirt yeah guys would exude male sexuality or it's kind of tight to be like i mean you can fuck my wife

let me fuck yours it's like what the fuck dude button your goddamn shirt all the way up knock it off yeah dude fuck your wife you weirdo Yeah, dude. Fuck your wife, you weirdo. I'm surprised you haven't gotten invited. Sorry, go ahead. I'm not surprised I haven't gotten invited anywhere. I think, dude, at your level, someone's going to ask you.

I look like a maniac down here. I don't belong anywhere less than I do a beach. A beach town? I'm just walking around. It's crazy. You're salt. What are you talking about? You have a Jeep? I have, like, white, veiny legs.

I'm Scotty, dude. You got short pants on? I got short shorts on. Are you podcasting in short pants right now? Maybe. Oh, my God, dude. That's so funny. No, you can't see them.

I didn't say to see them. I just want to know how you conduct business. I didn't know you conduct business in short pants. No, I'm No, you can't see them. I didn't say to see them. I just want to know how you conduct business. I'm wearing a bathing suit. It's salt-like, dude. Dude, totally. My bad. What are you thinking? Rocking a

fucking sick-ass... Oh, you got a Vineyard Vines... I got a Vineyard Vines long-sleeve and then kind of short bathing suit. That's like a vineyard vines long sleeve and then kind of short bathing suit that's like a water type thing too so you're letting people know you're all about water i'm just uh they know i'm a water dog that's what's up dude you know i do i know i know all this i just gotta get out i gotta get out and see i know all the shit you're talking about um Nothing's going on. I don't know. These hot dudes invited me to hang out tonight. Again?

Yeah, they're dogs, dude. They're fans of the Cats, but they're young boys. I think they're college boys. What do you guys usually do when you go out? I haven't gone out. I've respected the social distancing. Wait, what was that night like? We never reported back on that. You can't hardly wait.

Did you have fun? I did have fun. Say no more. Say less, dude. That's all you got to say is eyebrow wiggle. You had fun. I had fun. That's all you need to know, dude.

So you didn't get pants and humiliated. No, I did not get pants and humiliated. It was actually much more laid back than I thought it'd be. But their apartment or condo was fucking disgusting. Damn. Like coming into a college kid's – Oh, it was actually disgusting. Yeah, I got my own hotel.

Pretty nice hotel. Maybe I am Trump, Yeah, I got my own hotel. Pretty nice hotel. Like, maybe I am Trump, dude. I got my own hotel. Very nice hotel. Damn, you're at Miralago right now. I am at Miralago. I got to fucking keep the haters at bay. But I got a hotel room that was fucking sick,

and I just kind of hung out. I didn't want to be around the college kids. It seemed weird. They were like, yo, we're at the poolside bar, all that. I was like, to be around the college kids. It seemed weird. They were like, we're at the poolside bar, all that. I was like, definitely not my scene. Definitely not. Dude, sitting in a barstool with my shirt off

drinking would be... Again, I think people would be upset if it was all hot college kids. Get a tank, dude. Get a tank. But just sitting there with, like, my gut sitting on my thighs drinking. So, you know, I passed on that.

But I was like, all right, let me know when you guys want to go out because they wanted to go to this nightclub. So I went to a fucking – it's called Live. That's awesome. you know when you guys want to go out because they wanted to go to this uh nightclub so i went to a fucking it's called live that's awesome it's like it's like drake's club what did drake's nightclub it sucked so fucking bad dude what is it 16 is it 16 to enter 21 to drink or something no it's 16 to fucking drink uh 16 to get roofied by Drake. Drake's a pedophile. We already called Tom.

We called Tom Hanks being a pedophile. And now look. Suspected pedophile, bro. While he's dying of it, he's sick. Everyone's like, fucking kid fucker. The Irishman starring suspected pedophile Robert De Niro. Do you think De Niro is one of them I've heard that he's boys of Roman Polanski dude

Roman Polanski there was a someone who we've talked about this before someone alleged that Roman Polanski raped her she was 13 years old and I think they settled out of court so I think it was pretty pretty strong accusation everyone's well went to Robert De Niro's house right after raping that girl everyone's well a pack of a pack of baby girls will walk by,

and it's just – they're like shooting stars, dude. Every time, I just make a wish. What kind of baby – how far away are you from them? I'm like – there's like a sidewalk, a parking lot between me and them. But I'm elevated. I can – I'm in my perch, dude. I'm in my predator's perch. You should get Gip and Knox.

I might. I might start fucking fully jerking off up here. I only caught one beat this whole quarantine. I only caught one beat in going on a week, one beat. Whoa, what's that like? I don't know. I got low T, I think, dude. What?

What are you talking about? I think I'm just gay now. That's what's up. That's awesome. You don't think gay people jerk off? I've been going through it a lot. This is like the fifth time I've said I think I'm gay on a podcast recently. Yeah?

I mean, dude, nothing but success. If you turn gay, you win. You're an extrovert. I turn gay, you win. You're going to turn gay. So anyway, we go to this fucking. Oh, man. So I go to this. Sorry. I know.

Well, you have fun. You're having fun. That's what happens when you're laughing and crying. Dude, I have fun. You're having fun. That's what happens when you're laughing. Laughing and crying, yeah. Dude, I was crying. Dude, the fucking whirlpooling, those kids down there, is the funniest fucking shit in the world. I should have filmed it. If they're down there tonight, I may set up the live stream

and just go down there and cannonball. You have to, dude. Dude, it's like just the thought of like maliciously doing it, like staring at them, like getting like one of those boogie boards and just fucking – I'm not laughing. Making a wave pool? There's a whole art to it.

It's just aquatic bullying. There's a whole thing to aquatic bullying. You start dunking them them making a wave pool yeah but bullies getting aquatic bullied sucks so bad getting dunked sucks so bad

yeah when you get a bully who's like good on land and they hit water it's the same thing it's like a navy seal you get an amphibious bully dude an amphibious bully they just start swimming around now they're like oh okay i gotta be honest with you i gotta be honest with you i i was always an amphibious bully from day one dude if i got in the pool with anybody that was smaller than me which almost always were yeah i was quick to bullet dude we to play – when we played pool basketball, I had a move where we called it the surfboard, where I would dunk my friend and stand on him flat

so that he was at the bottom of the pool and I would stand on him and dunk the ball. And he would come up like – Oh, my God. Knowing you're an aquatic bully, that changes – I got aquatic bullied my whole life, dude, by my brother. But if somebody in the pool is bigger than me, I'm quick to denounce aquatic bullying.

I'm very quick to decree it a law. Like, hey, we're not fucking splashing or dunking. Stop being gay. That's gay. Yeah, knock it off. If somebody's small, I'm all over them, dude. You get that quick one. It's just like quick.

Start it off. What are you going to do about that? There's nothing you can do about it, dude. The only thing you can do is get out of the pool. You're going to go down there and start working up some drops of people. Did you ever hit the water up and smack it out of the air? That's a good splash, too. No, that's a sick move.

Did you ever hit the water up and smack it out of the air? That's a good splash. No, that's a sick move. Yeah, but we used to play this game where you would hold somebody like a baby in your arms and dunk them, and they had to guess. Let's say you thought of a color. They had to guess, but they only had one guess every time you brought them up out of the water. And I would just lie and just keep dunking them

oh so you're waterboarding non-stop that's to the point where they would come up and not be able to guess they wouldn't have any more answers so you waterboarded them yeah i would waterboard all my pals and you would you would ask them, and it's big, wrong, shh. Yeah, that was a form of waterboarding. Give me the answer, I won. That's so funny. They got to do that at Guantanamo. They're like, we get to play pool volleyball today?

They're like, weird. Against the Detroit Lions. You play pool basketball today. You're just getting surfboarded and dunked on oh my god it'd be so funny true they should do that they should set up a gitmo fucking pool basketball league against like just the hottest jacked dudes versus arabs fuck dude just like the jacked navy seals the terrorists are naked it's the whole time they like dick shame them like look at your fucking t-ness they fucking dunk on them and dunk them.

That would be wild, dude. Yeah. It would be like the Globetrotters versus the Washington Generals. Fuck. Just not. They lose every single time. Well, they'd be trying to. The naked terrorists would be trying to, like, play defense in the pool.

And you could be like, yo, dude, what the fuck? Ew, dude, what are you doing? Ew. Ew, dude, why are you rubbing your fucking dick on me, weirdo? I don't think they'd have a problem with that i think that i think in arabic culture men being like naked in sporting events is acceptable it is what it makes imagine doing that against boko haram where you got boko haram naked and you're just fucking well boko haram was naked their fucking dongs would be hanging true that's true you don't want

that true you don't want that. True. You don't want it. That could be the reversal. That might put the end of the pool basketball because the dicks would shame everybody. And they'd be like, all right, this isn't even fun anymore. Navy SEALs. I don't even want to fucking do this anymore. Boca Ram's dicks are too huge and nice.

Seven inches on average, bro. But yeah, going to this fucking club just sucked. It sucked. Yeah. Start to finish sucked. What'd you do? Dude, drinks are like $20. The whole thing was just ridiculous.

I just sat there. I sat in the corner. Did you ever have Puff Daddy's Ciroc? Yeah. It's not very good. No, it's not. It's not. Do you have any Ciroc?

I actually think that's exactly what I was drinking. Yes. Oh, look at that dog, dude. You're being, you're being good right now. Oh, Jackson.

He's up. Jackson, you cocksucker. Dude, you get them fired up. I had to, I did the other ones. I had to chase him up the stairs twice when I did the,

uh, when he interviewed my stock buddy, my boy, I heard I, yeah, you interviewed your stock buddy. People were mad at you for getting into stocks which is funny it's funny too because i don't even have any stocks i just i thought it

was exciting to learn that small piece of information that i learned just wanted to share info i don't know trying to keep it safe investing out here guys it's funny i have no i have no accounts like that yeah and it's it's funny you just got into like you're like yo stock market's sick it's silly crashes like the hardest it's ever crashed time to buy it's cheap buy it up no problem how do you feel about fucking zero percent interest zero you know on money see that trump dog dropping that oh he did zero percent the fed going zero percent loans is i thought it was it was three it's zero zero to zero point two five he's trying to stimulate the economy he's trying to yeah damn dude and you know if you're a mortgage guy right now you're killing it i keep getting like

texts and shit from mostly women women are very susceptible to the... Men are too. Men are too. But... Men? The fucking like, you need to go buy groceries now. Martial law is going to start in 72 hours. I just got a call.

A friend of a friend works at the National Guard. They're training for it. It's like, dude, shut the fuck up. Yeah. It's always a friend of a friend works at uh the national guard they're training for it's like dude shut the fuck up yeah never it's always a friend of a friend it's never like oh this is that like it's crazy i was warned by two people one of them was a dog who said they had like contacts high up in the government it was like they're talking about doing the shutdown and my i know another guy who said someone from one won't say which one of the alphabet agencies was like yeah we're probably gonna shut we're like heavily thinking of shutting down yeah and i i kind of expect it i don't know i kind of want us to it'll just be like if it's a blizzard they'll be like stay off the streets and then people will

go outside there's no like we're not going going to have foot soldiers marching and shit. And even if we do, stay inside, dude. I'll see some troops march by. I'll fucking... Yeah, dude. They'll probably recognize me as a troop. They'll be like... I might militia out. Yeah, they probably would. I might militia out. Is that New Cadet Gillis?

That was my highest rank. I might be like Dan Blazarian. Give me a gun. I'm a friendly. I'm a friendly. Who the fuck are you, dude? See, I'm trying to kill bad guys. Yeah, I might be like Dan Blazarian and be like, give me a gun. I'm a friendly. I'm a friendly. Who the fuck are you, dude? So I'm trying to kill bad guys. Yeah, I might wander this. I was thinking about getting some fatigues and just walking around outside in full fatigues. Not like a soldier outfit, just civilian fatigues. Just keeping it real militant through the lockdown.

I might go start doing calisthenics outside in fatigues. I just don't understand what like what would even the national guard marching through the streets do keep you indoors keep you in that hotel and safe so like if you were to go outside they think what are you doing outside get in yeah but okay get in civilian good yeah and they'd also if you ran out of food probably bring you rationsations. Bad. If you need food, that's bad. Well, they would probably have to give you rations. If you ran out to the soldiers.

They're like, hey, we're running out of rations. Yeah. Get back inside. I'll be like, I kind of need a ration. They'll be like. You're like, we just gave you a ration, dude. Get the fuck out of here. I lost it.

Did you eat that ration right away? No. That is funny because I bought a bunch of food and I've been eating like six meals a day i've eaten so good i got home with that grocery the groceries i got and i was like all right don't touch this shit until you like they shut down all the fucking restaurants and stuff yeah immediately ate a can of spaghettios immediately dude i i was in the grocery store like what fucking like shitty soups do i want and then i saw spaghettios and i was like damn spaghettOs rule, dude. I haven't had them in so long.

That's a good excuse to eat all the weird canned goods. I used to eat SpaghettiOs, and I'm not lying, five days a week. I used to eat SpaghettiOs and Bagel Bites every day after school. Ew. Five days a week, dude. I would eat a can of SpaghettiOs and about, I'm not lying, like 16 Bagel Bites. I would microwave the bagel bites. Sounds like a fucking good meal, dude.

I would microwave the bagel bites and then dunk them in SpaghettiOs, eat them, then eat the SpaghettiOs. That's how I partied. I might have to go get some bagel bites. Yeah, I'm telling you, dude. I ate that for like three years of high school. I'd watch Pokemon and just dunk microwave bagel bites in SpaghettiOs and eat them before they got too hard.

I went to a restaurant two nights ago, and I got some chicken parmesan. I think I might get that before the restaurant's shut down. Chicken with final meal? Nice final meal, a nice chicken parmesan. That would be good, dude. You should go out and ball out on dinner tonight. Garlic knots. I know.

I think I actually might go with these hot college studs to this. You should. But I don't know. It's called actually might go with these hot college studs to this. You should. But I don't know. It's called the Southernmost Cafe or something. I don't know. It's just where hot guys hang out and watch the sunset. It's like the – that'd be pretty cool, dude. Because that's – if you go to Capitol Grill, there's like high –

like Mark Wahlberg will stand at the bar at the Capitol Grill and eat a steak at the bar. Chicks see you eating a steak at the bar, they know you're trying to fuck. And chicks who are on that chase of high-profile dudes will just watch for guys eating a steak at a bar by themselves, and they just will blow you on principle. They have to. I do, yeah. All right, you're right.

You can't stand at a bar and eat a steak, dude. You sure I shouldn't go to a family restaurant in a strip mall and crush chicken parm? I don't know. That's actually... Vacation families? Both good things. I think they're both equally as good. I think I am going to... I think I'm going to go to the beach

after this and just get fucking hammered and swim. It's a good move. And then watch the sunset and then come back up here and got Netflix hooked up. Dude, I'm people like this is my life regardless. That's pretty cool. I was quarantined.

I would be doing the exact same thing. The only thing that's changed is I'm not doing shows yes that's weird that's weird for comedians i swear to god i uh i was talking to sid the kid about that he was like i'm kind of freaking out it's funny too to hear all these comedians be like damn think of all the lost wages it's like you lost maybe you make 50 bucks a month doing stand-up dude stop fucking tweeting about it. It's fucking annoying. Yeah, Sid was talking from a mental perspective.

I'm not talking about Sid. I'm not cheating on Sid. No, I know that. I'm just clarifying. He was talking about a mental perspective being like, I just don't know what the fuck to do with myself. But I hear what you're saying. A lot of people are being like... Go ahead.

It's weird. Can I finish? Pardon me? But I hear what you're saying. A lot of people will be like... Go ahead. Can I finish? Pardon me? Shane, that's not at all what's going on. Point of privilege? Go to my website and you'll find me. Go to YouTube. Go to YouTube. I want everybody to go to the internet, go to the web, go to the YouTube.

Dude, watching those two geezers fight, it's like, God damn. We're fucked. Dude, Biden, they're just geezers, dude. They're old, man. They're old. I want to know, I mean, is it not obvious that Biden's being propped up by like Maybe physically. Yeah, for real. He's physically propped up by like maybe physically money yeah for real physically propped up they end the fucking debates and he just they just crane hook him off the stage

flies like a shakespearean actor yeah they uh i was watching just that clip of him versus bernie and i'm like dude i i swear to god like just the fact that all the other ones just up and dropped they were like yeah you know what we all kind of wanted to just up and dropped, they were like, yeah, you know what? We all kind of wanted to win. We're done now. It's like, who the fuck put the bug in your guys's ear? Oh,

the DNC. And how do you figure it goes without? It's not even, it's not even a question, Matt. The DNC was like, you guys aren't going to win. And the only way we're going to beat Trump is if we get Biden,

we can't beat him with Bernie. That's what they're saying. Because I think Bernie's their best chance. I do too. But watching both those geezers on stage, Trump looks like a young spry boy next to them. A young, hot spry boy. It's not even a contest, dude.

I mean, first of all, Trump's toupee at this point looks good. Next to those guys, his hair looks great. What'd you call it? He has a toupee. No, he doesn't. He doesn't? No. What does he have? That's natural, bro. My bad. Excuse me. My bad. What'd you say about the president?

I thought he had, and I wasn't shaming him, I thought he had some sort of hair treatment. Nothing wrong with it. What the fuck is your problem, dude? You just said Trump? No. Trump's hair is real. I know. You're right. It is real. It's not even Rogaine either. That's the hair he was born with.

It stayed blonde. I mean, obviously. Or whatever that is. It's like a weird reddish hydrant peroxide. He just hydrant peroxide his hair one summer and never got out. It is Eminem. Dude, you're right though. He just hydrogen peroxide his hair one summer and never got out. It is Eminem. But no, dude, he looks – you're right though. He is going to – I mean Joe Biden is absolutely out of this world.

Joe Biden, he's the biggest geez. Like fucking – if you're getting crushed by Bernie when it comes to like retorts and youthfulness, that's trouble. Also, how are people who have done this their whole life so clumsy and bad at it? This is like decades into someone's career, and these guys all look like idiots, and I don't understand that. I don't know. It's got to be so hard. I think it's hard.

Oh, I would say, for sure. Imagine everybody listening to everything you've ever said, yeah it's gonna be so hard i think it's hard oh i would say for sure imagine like everybody listening to everything you've ever said and then that costing you a job i was like i can i could i could imagine a world such as that yeah but i mean i i i get it like i've i called i tweeted that yeah you still fuck up constantly. Like, last night, I'm still fucking up. Well, they're also under a lens that, like. Yeah, tweet, dude.

I had a sick tweet last night. What was it? Called Louis J, the Porter retard rattlesnake. Great. Who's wrong? What's wrong with that? Porter retard? Yeah, if, Porter retard's a sick tweet.

It's pretty good. I stand by it. Well, yeah, I guess as a politician, you're held up. If a sick tweet. It's pretty good. I stand by it. Well, yeah, as a politician, you're held up. If anything goes wrong, it's your fault unless you prove that it's not your fault. So it's like all of their fault unless they can say, well, no, it was actually that guy. So that's like their whole job to be like, no, I did the good thing. You remember back then? There was people doing bad stuff.

I was doing the good stuff. Pretty much all I've ever done in my whole career, the good stuff. Yeah, it was funny to hear. At one point, Bernie said that. He was like, we all make mistakes, Joe. Just admit it. And it's like, why don't you fucking admit to a mistake, dude? It'd be great if one of them was like, this is where I really fucked up.

Yeah, to be like, this is an insanely difficult job. I fuck up every day. Every day I fuck something up. But that's all i can do rather than be like well uh that was really that was dude watching them argue about uh social security was my favorite fucking thing yeah that was that was that was like right before we started the the video last night and i was like dude they're actually fighting right now like let me watch this for a sec well bernie shows like a battle he shows sentience where he can like think off the cup biden is just sound bites he's just sound bites no that's not what i said oh come on burn excuse me senator it's really weird yeah yeah yeah

he biden's 100 sound bites which is he also your fucking curtain just moved dude oh is that the wind i thought that oh dude cronies is in my room or is it a beautiful baby spring breaker it could be dude it could be barkley you could be barkley this part chuck get out of there um yeah it's uh fucking uh biden also has that like geezer face like where he's like while he was getting confronted he was like and i was like dude i wonder how old he has geezer face where he's like oh my god oh it's the thought of people missing your facial expressions for the last two or three years it's just it's just the worst thing in the world to think about fucking uh he looks like uh

the geezer face if you're just listening to the audio of this is uh it's fucking uh clint eastwood and Grant Torino. Watch the next time they argued Biden. Biden goes full fucking angry geezer. Holy fuck. It's the same fucking face my grandma made when she and I fought over the fucking ice. The ice. I was getting an ice.

She was like, get out of here. Oh, my God. Yeah, that is a very real face dude it's like maybe like when someone walks by them their heads rattle and they follow the person they're like like they're in a fighter jet oh speaking of dude i got i got a little spooked earlier i didn't know there was a uh i didn't know there was a this is all like navy navy and air force bases down here yeah and just some fighter jets flew by and i was like oh shit's kicking off dude yeah so fighter jets air show or you think it was just uh no they're just training i mean this is there's an airstrip right here i like trump's tweet where it's just like four airplanes doing like bauer rolls and

it was like we love you italy and it's like what does that have to do with anything no they put out they put out a italian smoke they put out the italian flag oh there was like green white and red and they flew over but it's's like, thanks, dude. That's the only way you can show affection as a president is to do a sick air show around your friends. Yeah. I'll send a plane to do a barrel roll above you. Yeah, we're sending over Star Fox.

Dude, let's slide in the page. What do you want to do? Or do you want to rap? It's up to you. We can go. We can patronize. We can podcast whenever, bro. We are the internet, dude. It's up to you. We can go. No, it's – We can patronize. We can podcast whenever, bro. We are the internet, dude.

The internet has become us. We have become one. Yes, dude. Fat black dude in a fucking moped chilling. Yes. So many fucking fat dudes rock mopeds down here, and it's so fucking funny. It's the best, man. You have to get a Jeep, dude.

If you're a fucking fat guy, don't ride a moped. Those ones where you sit, you just sit like... Yeah, that's a lot of butt crack. Not a good look, dude. It's not like a hog where you're fucking spread out. A moped where you're just sitting like a school desk. Yeah. It's not a good look.

What do they call those things? Do they get the motorcycle things that are all the way up here? Called ape hangers or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You should trick out a moped and ride it around. I don't know what I'm going to do. I think I'm just going to lose all my money down here in like two weeks. That'd be tight.

It's falling. You should immediately fall into ruin and then just blame and be like, you guys need to stimulate me, dude. I need my economy. I'm going to text Yang, dude. I will text Yang and be like, fucking stimulate me, bro. You couldn't save one job.

Stimulate me. Just for your legacy, stimulate my economy, please. If Yang just donated to me, yo, he gets like shit on asian people for being a race trader for oh for saying i shouldn't be fired big time dude it's fucking wild dude yeah dude he's a uh what do you think they're calling them what kind of words you think they would call i know i wait you thinking if it's the the as Asian version of an Uncle Tom? Number one Uncle Tom. Uncle Tom Young?

Golden Uncle Tom. I think they call white people like a racist Asian. Jackson, shush. A racist Asian calls white people pigs. Hilarious. Pig lover. They would call them like a pig. A pig is like a very – that's the one that kind of

you know because white white racial slurs can just slide right off me but when someone calls me a pig sorry my dogs were yelling i thought i heard something fucked up i get hit with the because pig is i you know i'm very pink skinned andiggish. That's a hurtful one. So if someone calls me a pig, I'm kind of like, all right, that's fucking a little on the nose. You're just sitting there like... Matt, don't be a fucking jerk, dude. No, I'm saying you'd make the nose, and you're like... Fuck China, dude.

I don't fucking look like... Yeah, dude, China, what are you talking about? Let's break off and slide in the page. All right. If you like. What do you think? Are we going to be able to release just the audio of this? Yeah, we can do just the audio of this and put the video on page.

Up to you. Well, I think we should... You know what sucks is now that we're putting this on YouTube, everybody goes to that one dude just finds the Old Testament when they search this on YouTube. Well, we can keep private links for the page. I'm cool with putting just videos up on YouTube and on iTunes, just the audio. Put this on, you know, kind of like Rogies does it. Yeah.

We'll put the full episode on YouTube and then put – The audio. Oh, that's what I was thinking. I'm just thinking of feeding the page dogs. And then we'll either do a page right now or later. You could get me post-beach. That might be pretty fun. I'm going to go to the pediatrician at 630.

I'll be at the beach until the sun goes down, big boy. It's salt life. Or you're going to be tugging. Go to the beach. If I am, we'll do a page tomorrow. But sun goes down, big boy. It's salt life. Or you're going to be tugging down? If I am, we'll do a page tomorrow, bro. We can do whatever we want. Yeah. I mean, I don't know about you, bro.

I don't really put times on what I do. I just fucking hang loose, dude. It's only 5 o'clock here. All right. It actually almost is 5 o'clock, so I will let you go. I love you. I care about you. Be safe in these tumultuous times.

Love you, bro. You're the man, dude. This is you. This is me, dude, coming up between you. Is that my pussy? I'm eating pussy between your legs. That's how I get down with you. I would totally eat a girl's pussy

if you're fucking her for you. Oh, wait. How? You're standing. You're like this. You're standing. You're fucking. There's a girl.

Imagine this is your dong. There's a chick in front of you bent over a BBG. I'm coming up behind your dong. So you're like getting sack on your nose. If I have to. You're getting butthole on your fucking bridge of your nose. If I have to.

On your forehead. You're getting tattooed. Well, I might be upside down. I think I'd have to Spider-Man kiss. There's better ways to do this. I think you would have to 69. Now you 69 with the girl while I fuck her. Perfect.

And you're just, I mean, your forehead's catching a bushel. You're catching a bushel up top. First of all, I'm going to have a backwards mesh hat on. It's salt life. It's only salt life, but you could. My hat might hit you in the nuts. You could stimulate her clitoris. No, my nuts, you'll be coming over top.

This is you. Yeah. That's me. So, yeah, you would just be banging the top of my head. Actually, I did trim the pubes before I went to live the nightclub. I shaved my pubes. I was like, dude, just in case somehow someone sees this monstrosity. Oh, my God.

And, yeah, let's break. I'm going to go have a couple margaritas, Matt. Hell, yeah, dude. Go get it. I'm not going to overindulge. Go get it, dude. Get it. I'm going to come back sunburned as fuck and banged

up for the page, dude. It might be a night cast. It might be a morning cast. Either way, I saw a night. Do you think you can pop off a nightie? I should be able to. Yeah, I should be able to. If you're too tired, it's not a big deal. Either way, I'm here doing nothing all day. That's what I'm saying. This is hard work.

This is the most work I'm doing. You be ready. You see the invite. You see the Zoom invite, dude. Hop in the Jeep. Speed. All right. I love you.

I'll talk to you later. Love you, bro. God bless you. Stop it.