Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - How to be a Praya

Episode Date: November 26, 2019

Figured we'd break youz off with a little something to blast around the turkey.     

We're live, dude. Wow. Live. Live from the compound, dude. From my motherfucking basement, dude. Live from Matt McCusker's basement. You wish we were live from the compound, dude. No, no, no.

Chill, chill, chill. Yes, dude. We're here. Yeah, dude. What'd you think of my fucking studio? Your studio's tight. This rug's nice. The couch, I'm seeing the couch where you did the volcano.

Yep. Where you're doing very important studying and meditating. Spud did it, too. Spud got high as fuck too. He explored his consciousness. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He did a THC deep dive, dude. I've seen Spud do my program too.

He doesn't handle it well. Which one? What's that? Bud Light programs. You think he bugs out of Bud Light? He was upset that the turd had bae. Remember that? When was this?

He saw helium. He was at helium and he saw the turd with his bay. When Spud sees the turd, it's not good. It's a glimpse into what could be. It's like Spider-Man versus Goblin, dude. It really is. They're nemeses. They are.

They're like hard arch nemeses. Except they're both goblins. I'm trying to think which one's Spider-Man. Spud might be Spud-er-man. I think it's Spud-er-man. That's how you say it with a Philly accent. Spuderman in the fucking... It's like water.

Water. Spuderman. Spuderman the fucking turtling, dude. Turtling is nuts, dude. Just surfing around, getting toots. What's up? That was the first time the fucking Spud met O'Connys. He's like, fucking O'Connys has bae?

Dude, he also has bae? And I punched a wall. Oh, man. What's up,e? Dude, he also has bae? And I punched a wall. Oh, man. What's up, dude? Chilling, dude. Yeah. I've just been living that pot pie life, dude. I saw you just-

Crushing pot pies. Standing in the kitchen, scarfing pot pies. Yeah, man. That was tight. It's that time in a relationship when my bae makes me a pot pie. Pot pies are so good. I've been asking for pot pie for like a year. Yeah, you never get it. Nobody ever gets you pot pie. No one makes me a pot pie. Pot pies are so good. I've been asking for pot pie for like a year. Yeah, you never get it.

Nobody ever gets you pot pie. No one makes you a pot pie. Although recently, I did have pot pie this year. My family had it in the fridge, leftovers. Bro, I put a hurtin' on cold pot pie. There's nothing else to do. I just kept scooping in it. Nobody politely eats at pot pie.

No. I was eating pot pie thinking about the inception of it. It must have been the most ridiculous fucking invention. It's up there. Some dude being like, I made a pie. What's in it? He's like, soup. He's like, what the fuck?

Yeah, it's good. People just came by. They're like, there's fucking soup in this pie? That was a big deal. They were stoked. Pie was like once a year. Yeah. So people probably went for dessert and they're like, what the hell?

I'm eating double dinner. Tarnation. There's peas in the pie. Peas and chicken. Got me eating double dinner. Yeah. Leave it alone. He's worked hard at that pie.

I had a whole fucking in my head. I had a whole fucking dialogue between like a settler. We're too close. This is the setup down here is uncomfortable. You're too close. Where to you and uncomfortable you're too close you and I are physically too close I can back up to my I have another

my desk is L shaped I could not face you at all the eye contact we make during the podcast makes me uncomfortable I could not face you at all I thought I'd think about kissing you

do you know that I could sit over here and just totally not face you at all do you know that did you hear what I said you want to kiss me I think about kissing your mouth.

We should kiss, dude. Ew. So we can't do a podcast in kissing range. No, it's too much. True. I get boned up. Chemistry's too much. This podcast sucks.

Yeah, what's going on? Chillin', man. Just, what the fuck do I have going on? We got to get a new dog walker. Or new dog sitter. Why? I hate to say it dude ours was in the dog sitting game for the wrong reasons. What's that just for the money? Oh, you need somebody who loves the canine yeah exactly She was she was mad. She's like wait the dogs are gonna sleep in bed with me, and I was like

We were already in Florida. I was like uh yeah, that's what they do don't you love dogs more than anything I? florida i was like uh yeah that's what they do don't you love dogs more than anything i think she was in it for the money on your profile that you love dogs i mean dude i figured any dog walker any dog sitter i feel like it was like automatically assumed i don't know it could be like a caesar milan type thing where it's like you need to instill some discipline you think she was he's a lot she could have been pissed that you like she was probably i can't believe anybody would treat dogs with this level of like, you're doing the dogs a disservice by letting them just run wild all over you. Yeah, it also might be why she- Those dogs are bad.

Your dogs are bad. She walked them separately too. As soon as I walked in, Jax humped me. Did he really? Immediately. And then Matt tried to bring the dogs down here while we're recording this. As soon as you're like, all right, let's see. One strike and you guys are out. I was're like all right let's see one strike and you

guys are out i was just like it's gonna the strike's coming right away right and immediately they started humping and fighting got kicked out on the third floor right now they're not they didn't do they didn't handle it well they haven't handled they haven't handled anything well when anyone's been down here they've failed every single test yeah i fantasize about being someone who have a dog it's like oh it's my old dog just lays in the corner if someone comes in here it's like they hump them they get on top of them they like bite each other it's a fucking nightmare well she also walked them separately she's like i know how to walk them at the same time i'm like what i don't like this lady like where'd you come up with this she a white hmm all right what do you gotta All right. What do you got to say about that?

Nothing. What do you got to say? Why does your brain take you there? It sounds like a white lady job. Dog sitting? Yeah. Never thought of it that way. Interesting.

Never didn't even think that there would be African-American dog sitters. Wasn't African-American, bro. Whoa. You continue. Who was it? It was an Injun. Who was it? It was an Indian. An Indian? Wait, you...

No, like, in the classic sense. No, no, no. The classic sense is a Native American. No, in the classic sense, Columbus had it wrong. Okay. Dude, are you celebrating Thanksgiving this year? Yo, you know I am. You better fucking not, dude.

You are? I celebrated Columbus Day. I celebrate the fuck out of Thanksgiving. I'm going to get kicked out of my family dinner again. I'm going to start just fucking doubles. You better fucking know I am. You are? I celebrated Columbus Day. I celebrate the fuck out of Thanksgiving. I'm going to get kicked out of my family dinner again. I'm going to start just fucking double. You got to protest. I'm going to start smashing everything, dude. You got to protest.

Dude, I'm going to fucking freak out. Like the kids at Harvard-Yale. Do you see that? No, they don't. During the football game at halftime, all the student body went out and protested climate change. So they just sat at midfield. And the game got delayed like four hours.

They took a knee? They protested climate change. Did they watch the rest of the game? The game, yeah. I mean, I think it was a good game. I think it went into overtime. People were like, yeah, hell yeah. Yeah, so they protested climate change

and then were like, all right, back to the game. Yeah. Okay, yeah, that's... I just don't understand protesting climate change at halftime of a football game. Why is football now the end-all, be-all? Why is this like the public discourse arena? It makes sense.

Football? That people like football. That's true. So it's a good place to be like, hey, it's getting warm out. Yeah. Keep that in mind. We're going to fucking... We're going to ruin this game.

We're going to sit on the field. We're going to sit on the field because it's getting warm. We talked about the NFL just extended the season for like 12 more games. Yeah. Well, we can play well

in the fucking... Yeah, yeah, yeah. True. But yeah, that's weird, man. That's all right. Well, it's all right. It's good, you know. It's good they're out there doing that kind of thing. It's just like... I'm just trying to think... It's college kids. Yeah, yeah, that's weird, man. That's all right. Well, it's all right. It's good, you know. It's good they're out there doing that kind of thing.

It's just like I'm just trying to think. It's college kids. Yeah, I'm trying to think of the bottom line. It just sucks. Imagine going to a game and being like, I'm going to just go out at midfield and sit there. I'm thinking about you driving to go see a game and then being delayed for four hours. Oh, my God, dude. getting delayed for four hours oh my god dude if i had driven 10 hours to like a notre dame game and then at halftime students sat on the field because of global warming

i'd i don't know you might counter protest yeah i'd get some aerosol cans just spray them you might get some i'd go i'd go start my car and come back in i'm waiting to see how many causes we can attach to the nfl i want to see how he long well they I'd go start my car and come back in. I'm waiting to see how many causes we can attach to the NFL. I want to see Howie Long. Well, they got breast cancer, police brutality. Yeah. They love the troops. Of course.

You see those camo fucking sleeves they wore? Yeah. That was tight. They do that. Domestic violence had a good run there because the players were getting rowdy. It was pretty appropriate. Ray Rice was getting rowdy. Yeah, it was pretty appropriate.

Which is funny they did that for Ray Rice and not OJ. I think OJ's domestic violence would have been a little more like, hey, we should say something to the public. Did he really cut someone's head off? Just about. Did he really? Yeah. He almost sawed their fucking heads off.

Oh, my God. He got loose. He was out of control. Oh, my God. He was fired up. was out of control. Oh, my God. He was fired up. Yeah, I guess they felt like they missed that one. The NFL slumbered on that. That was back before people had to make statements.

The owner of the NFL was caught in a statement being like, what the fuck? Jews killed his wife? Yeah, nobody had to make statements. No. Now you have to. We are deeply saddened. It's a shitty time to you have to. We are deeply saddened. It's a shitty time to be a CEO.

We are deeply saddened by... You don't have to pay taxes, but you do have to make statements. True. Which, that should be the trade-off. If you want these corporations to start paying taxes, just be like, you don't have to make any more statements. Yeah, you guys can do whatever you guys want. Never again.

We're never going to ask you how many women you have working at Google. Just pay taxes. Just pay the fucking taxes. Just help us pay for women's health care. That's fair. That way we don't have to worry about, are women good at math? That's pretty fair. That seems to be the, like, we need to figure out, can women be good at, you know, STEM?

Yeah, science, math. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Science, technology, and math. STEM. STEM. STEM. I'm good at none of those. I'm fucking...

I'm actually a brilliant scientist. No, you're not. I'm a theoretical. You think getting high is running a fucking controlled experiment. Did you tremble before the volcano? The volcano's right in front of me. It's intimidating. I hate these fucking things.

Why do you hate that? That's a miserable creation. What? The volcano? A volcano? That thing sucks, dude. Smoking out of hate that? That's a miserable creation. What, the volcano? A volcano? That thing sucks, dude. Smoking out of a volcano just is a negative experience. Rip a volcano bag and talk shit.

If I rip a volcano bag, I'm sleeping right there for three days, dude. I'm going to be Jesus in the tomb. So what else is going on? Nothing. Nothing. I was listening to, it was nice. I got a little more of the French Revolution. Dude, the podcast, the Revolutions podcast is so long. It's so long. I'm listening to... It was nice. I got a little more of the French... Dude, the podcast, the Revolutions podcast is so long.

Really? It's so long. I'm listening to French Revolutions. There's like 36 episodes. And it's not... He doesn't... He just gives you facts. There's no like...

There's no... He's not Carlin where he's like, this is this. Imagine. Yeah. Imagine. This is like just a guy reading like this is what they did. Just the facts. Yeah.

So this is like the Corbett report opposed to Alex Jones. Yes. Okay. Yes. Colbert giving you straight facts. Not Colbert. Corbett. Corbett.

What's that? It's the Corbett report. What's that? It's just a guy who rambles the facts. Oh, okay. There's no like Alex Jones goes like. Alex Jones goes more over the top i would say yeah he's a bit of a showman he's a big showman corbett is just the facts not colbert i hear

which is funny because their names are like close enough i'm sure people are like i want to see what colbert is all about some dudes like they actually never killed bag daddy he's been killed 17 times he's not real like okay yeah yeah the uh i don't know french revolution is pretty fun to listen to pretty wild digging up to they just uh they really acted like a bunch of pussies the revolutionaries like there's just they they just really overreacted they fucking they they could it was they they needed to do it gradually and they freaked out it went too far they're like we're fucking liberal we don't need fucking religion and this is like like we don't need kings or religion and all that shit they kind of

and they just got out of control they started they all started beheading each other tight they turn eventually they're like it's a argument to see who's the most like revolutionary Eventually, it's an argument to see who's the most revolutionary. Would you be able to maybe plug that into modern day times? Yes. Very easily. They just called it revolutionary instead? I mean, one of the things that's really funny is they had this meeting. Basically, their Senate got together, and it was in the wake of like revolution was happening.

So the Senate got together to be like, here's the changes we need to make. And they thought it was going to be like kind of moderate compared to what, but everybody kept one upping each other to be more like, well, the, you know, no more fucking, uh, there's one thing they had was Royal hunting grounds. So like only the lords or kings could hunt like only the the master of that land was allowed to hunt on it peasants peasants could never hunt yeah you get killed if you're on there and so one one of the priests got up and changed that one of the bishops got on and was like we got to get rid of that and one of the lords loved

hunting so he's like well fuck that uh also paying tithes is unfair and we shouldn't do that anymore and the bishop had to be like yeah fuck i just lost all of my money because i took away hunting i just lost all my power yeah and they they yeah then they started taking land from the church then they took like they just got damn they got wild man so these were people vying for the attention of the peasants? Being like, I'm rich, but I'm more of the cool rich ones. The peasants, I don't think, gave... Like, I mean, they cared, but they didn't give a fuck.

This is all, like, Parisian cunts. Oh, this is them fighting each other? It's funny that I don't like these revolutions. Well, they aren't very likable. Yeah. It's funny, like, and there's paintings and stuff of and stuff of how glorious and cool this revolution was of women leading the charge. And they ended up just cutting everyone's fucking heads off.

And then Napoleon. Yeah. They just shit the bed and then Napoleon burned Europe. So you're telling me there's people like hundreds of years ago who had pictures painted of them protesting? Yes. Like Facebook profile pictures? Yes. Damn. With the French flag too. That's funny. Oh, that's so fucking funny. Yeah. We've done this before. years ago who painted had pictures painted of them protesting yes like facebook profile yes with the french flag too oh that's so fucking funny now we've done this before they support

france so they're like they stayed they stood with france yeah oh that's so tight yeah yeah yeah that's so fucking funny which uh yeah it's just the whole thing is like it's scary to listen to. Kind of. I mean, not that I think we're going through that, but you can see where that cycle came from. You can go through baby versions of it, though. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I mean, we don't have the guillotine, but it's like, what do we have instead of the guillotine? It's just the fucking, the press, dude. I got guillotined.

Yeah, exactly. They drug me out in the town square and cut my fucking head off, dude. Yeah, that is funny, though. The idea of going through people's jobs now is like that's as close as you can get to killing someone just uh yeah it's like i'll destroy their livelihood and it's like yeah fuck yeah destroy their livelihood and shame them yeah it's pretty uh but yeah the the imagine like the fucking parliament that meeting they had where they all just kind of lost control and they like he described it as like a feverish, like, well, we should also get rid of this.

And they're like, yeah. And then this. And then they all woke up like the next day like, ooh, we went a little too hard on that. Fuck. We just changed our entire country in one meeting. Fuck. So it was pretty disastrous. Pretty disastrous.

It's also funny, like the king and queen kept trying to like escape. They were like held hostage in Paris. Was it King Philip? It was King Louis. King Louis. King Louis. Louis and Marie Antoinette. Oh, right.

And everybody didn't like Marie Antoinette because she was a Hua and she was Austrian. So they didn't really like her. The French didn't like her. So they were excited to fucking get her on the guillotine. They'd been waiting for that. They heard you. That must piss you off. If your queen, first of all, if your queen's Austrian.. They'd been waiting for that. That must piss you off. If your queen, first of all, if your queen's Austrian, that'll piss me off.

That'd piss me off. Yeah, they had been at wars with Austria forever. Call me what you will, dude, but I do not like Austrian fucking royalty. Yeah, that's one thing I stand against. I'll be willing to throw that out. I'll throw my hat in the ring on that. Yeah. Austrian royalty.

Austrian royalty pisses me the fuck off. Yeah. And then they're being slutty too slutty now you're slapping me in the fucking face dude i support that yeah how did what do they didn't they like hang her by her nipples or something uh yes yes and she came they're like this is this will teach this slut a lesson and then they hung her and she's like oh yeah yeah keep doing it yeah so they the king get out no they got it oh yeah he got everybody got they got the kid they got everybody bro so everybody marie antoinette got guillotined well they kept trying to escape which was really funny and they couldn't do it they always fucked

up they all fucked up everybody's retarded in the. Everyone across the board just fucks up nonstop. Did they do the classic cloak in the middle of the night? They tried to have servants dressed as them go out. They had one guy. This was a good idea for King Louis to escape. They had a guy dressed as this diplomat coming in and out every night of the palace, just wearing a ridiculous outfit. Sure.

Every night. And then finally it was Louis the last night and he got out. But then Marie Antoinette fucked up and they couldn't, they had to cancel that attempt. But so the whole thing called him back. Like, so they were in Versailles. She was like,

she just like, uh, I don't know. There's a lot to it. She ran into Lafayette on the way out got scared was late there's a there was no communication oh so he couldn't leave that he left separate than her and then she was gone louis was out he was like fuck yeah we did it we can get out of this fucking shitty country and then his bay was i don't know i fucking was late what

it's like god damn we're to get our fucking heads cut off. You got to fucking get out of here. Oh, so you're blaming this on me? Oh, so it's my fault again. He's like, yes, dude, I was outside. I didn't know you were a fucking Austrian. You're going to get us fucking killed. That sucks.

There's also a dude named Lafayette. Lafayette, that's a fucking man. What'd he do? He was part of the American Revolution. He was boys with Washington. He came over to help with that. And then he was in the French Revolution, too. Did they do that to strictly piss the English off?

Help us? Not to piss them off, but to beat them. To be like, fuck you guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To be like, at war. That's tight. Yeah. Do you think the English may have fucking popped down and been like, yo, you guys, you know what you guys need?

Just cutting the fucking heads off of them? No, because they have a monarchy. Gotcha. They had one too at the time, so they were a little like, they weren't too happy about the French Revolution. The king was like, holy shit, what are they doing down there? They're cutting their fucking heads off?

He's probably doing new law. He's like, new law, you guys can't cut my fucking head off, dude. I'll cut your fucking head off. It's a fun, it really cool historical things that just ends with people getting their fucking heads cut off. It's fucking awesome. It's funny that it all just divulges into just like, oh, yeah, and then we just fucking killed everyone. Dude, I just love how it all starts with a couple people who are in a bar and I'm like, you know what's fucking bullshit? Always, yeah, like a beer hall, somebody stands on a table and is like, I'm not paying this fucking salt tax. It's just that conversation ends with some guy cutting a lady's head off in a square.

Some dude puts a hot status in the beer hall and everyone's like, fuck yeah, dude, fuck yeah. They would really, like, they would cut people's fucking heads off and, like, parade them around town. That's fucking rules, dude. It's crazy. That's so funny. You walk around like, yeah, we got that motherfucker. Fuck yeah. They did it to guards. They would just capture two guards, cut their heads off, and run around.

Was the guillotine new? I think so. That must have been tight. I think so. It was tight when they came out. There's newer and newer issues of them. Did you see any guillotine? They were using the guillotine recently in France.

Not like now, but they would execute prisoners. That was the death penalty. Yeah, didn't they do that? I think in the 20th century. Yeah. Which is tight. There was the last guillotine was. I think I would go guillotine.

Yeah, the guillotine was also a woke thing. It was supposed to be kind of an immaculate, clean, humane way to kill somebody. Yeah, who knows? Maybe lethal injection hurts like fuck. Yeah, or back then was like whatever the fuck. Well, back then, yeah. Firing squad would suck. Yeah, they were like, you know what's cool?

Mouse traps. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, so that's what I've been doing and then i popped on carlin came on listen to his he's got a new one against the japanese he's still he's on the third one of that he's still going which i feel a little uneasy listening to anymore really no but it was funny just uh they were talking about he was talking about pearl harbor yeah and how like historically it's like one of the dumbest fucking decisions ever did like military planners today are like why would they do that well i mean obviously hindsight's you know two nukes but still it's funny to just double f

could have been a double f no how would it be a false flag is there like we just want to go attack the japanese so we hired the Japanese to attack us? I don't know. You think someone faked it? It could have been actors. It could have been actors. You think the Japanese Navy was in on it? It was two planes, right?

In Pearl Harbor? Yeah. Did you, what? It was two planes that crashed in Pearl Harbor, just one. You can easily fake a Pearl Harbor. Do you think Pearl Harbor was 9-11? I'm saying, I'm just throwing it out there if you're saying that it was didn't make any sense no but it was more than two planes how many was it probably like a hundred hundred planes it was

aircraft carriers i thought it was just like two little prop planes crashed and everyone was like ah what the fuck oh really you thought it was like two shitty planes we were like oh we're going to war i thought it was like two propeller planes came in and it was that was it was really yeah i swear to god no it was i mean it was a huge operation they had their big planes they brought their navy damn yeah it was war the navy pulled up and then the plane was air it was was aircraft carriers. Yeah. The big ones. Yeah. They brought the boys out. Fuck. Yeah. So they like totally devastated it.

Yeah. If it was two planes, it would have gone almost unnoticed. That's what I'm saying. I was like, you wouldn't even know. It would be like, just, there could be anyone flying a shitty plane into like, so it was the boys pulled out. They really went for it. Okay.

Which is, and it, yeah, it's documented. Gotcha. Now the false flag comes in where did we know they were going to do it? That's what it was. All right, go ahead. Because there is some weird shit about us taking some ships out of that harbor. Some good ships just happened to not be docked that day. I could have held them off.

That not would have held them off, but would have been shitty to lose for us. I got you. So we kind of kept some old shitty ships for them to blow up. Yeah. And be like, oh, you got us. It's also weird. Like back then, people didn't just like overseas like stealth fly over. There was like a mass of ships coming for probably several days.

And I'd imagine the U.S. military was scoping the waterways and being like, yo, bro, the Japanese Navy's on the way. Like, say, what? Yeah, maybe. Yeah, I mean, there was, like, radio stuff where they would be like, oh, fuck, something's happening. Yeah. Where are they going to hit?

Oh, the closest island to them? They thought it was going to be around there. Right. Which I think they did get hit, too, like Guam and shit like that. But. Who knows? Regardless, I thought it was going to be around there. Right. Which I think they did get hit, too, like Guam and shit like that. But. Who knows? Regardless, I thought it was funny to, like, I've never heard historians talk about how fucking stupid that was.

Like, because, I don't know, for some reason you think of it as like an even matchup, the U.S. and Japan in World War II, but it wasn't. Yeah. It was like. Yeah, that's a bad. It was literally just soccer punching the biggest guy in the room. It was a shirt. And then being like, oh, fuck.

Yeah. Oh, fuck. He's still up. And they're like, why did you think you were going to knock him out? Yeah, that makes sense. I mean, it is tight to roll up with your Navy and be like, what's up, guys? Yeah. Fuck you guys going to do, dude?

It's like, dude, don't you know you have, like, space bombs and shit, dude? Yeah. What the fuck are you guys doing? Get out of here. Yeah, we're going to fuck you up for this. I mean, they did. Yeah. That was pretty minimal, too.

They killed, like, what, mean, they did. Yeah. That was pretty minimal, too. They killed, what, a couple hundred people? Yeah, I mean, it was probably less than 2,000. I think. No, it was probably around that. They hit us with a good 9-11. So they gave us a classic 9-1-1. First pitch, though. That's the good first punch was a 9-11 and then sit back.

They were winning up front the first year. That first year? They were fucking us up, yeah. We were just loading these huge bombs and being like, yeah, whatever you guys think you're doing. Yeah, it sucks. It's about to become a humongous... They were attacking us with swords and whistles and just charging.

And I was like, all right, well, we're gonna just have some jewish dude build a new yeah we have jews over here that are gonna create they're gonna summon their dark lord yeah they're gonna fucking unleash the sun on you dude yes anyway that's funny that's it for history for today close it down close that's enough history i'm sorry that's funny i was actually researching last night about the potato famine how it's not a uh genocide i was reading reading in the- Who fucking wrote that? Winston Churchill?

Who wrote that history? The Washington Post. Washington Post claimed the famine was not a genocide. How? They were saying that it was- Yeah, what was their argument? Food blight. Yeah, it was a blight, but then they kept all the other food.

Well, yeah, and wouldn't let people hunt or fish. I don't know. I was researching it for- Who who's the all you got to click the author every time it's so funny to click the author yeah whenever there's an article like that i'm always like who the fuck wrote who was invested in debunking someone else's like dude i'm telling you uh sorry guys you don't get to claim genocide. Yeah. It's weird. Yeah, they were saying, the Washington Post, they were saying, they were like, nah. The title is, It is not a genocide. I'm pretty sure it said, like, sorry. Yep, Ireland's famine wasn't a genocide. The Washington Post archives 1997.

Oh, 97. That was back when boys could talk shit. Timothy Gwinnonay. Gwinnonay. Get him out of here. I want to see that pic, bro. He's a Protestant, bro. Timothy Gwinnonay. Gwinnonay. Get him out of here. I want to see that pic, bro. He's a Protestant, bro. He's a bitch, dude.

He's a fucking Protestant. I was curious to talk to you about that, because I'm like, is that fucking conspiracy theory? To be like, yo, that was a fucking potato famine. It was a genocide. No, it's not a conspiracy theory. There was a fucking potato. The crop failed. Yeah.

And then the British kept all the other food. This motherfucker. They kept the livestock and grains there was still other fucking plants you could eat and my food they still had chickens and like livestock but the british empire kept it i might call this motherfucker right now call that bitch he's a professor uh economics at yeah he at Yale? I might hit him up. I'm going to call him right now. Oh, you can call? Yeah. Professors all have their phone number right at the thing.

Yeah, call him and say, why did you say that? Call him right now. I'm like, bro, what the fuck? Put him on speaker and call that dude. I'm going to hit him right now and be like, bro, what's good? What is that bracelet you're wearing? My friend gave it to me as a present. What's your problem? They better be dead.

They're not dead. All right, well then take that bracelet off. No. He looks kind of like Mel Gibson. That's probably why he wrote that, dude. He knew Mel was about to run loose. Damn. Of course it's Mark. Tim Ganan. Is not available. Tim of course sorry

Tim is not available record your message at the tone when you are finished hang up or press pound for more options

hey Tim it's Matt I saw you wrote that junk in the Washington Post in 97 about the potato famine not being a genocide I just wanted to

you know see if you wanted smoke what was good hit me back you got my digits later bro jesus christ yeah dude fuck that you can't be talking out your mouth like that dude it's probably not the same guy at all you'll be pissed dude fuck him dude it's just an economics professor it's him it's matt you wrote that junk dude yeah man i guess yeah are we allowed to just say the guy's name on there and call him i didn't i didn't think you there was nothing threatening there you just said i want to discuss the article you wrote yeah perfectly fine i told him you want smoke whatever if he wants smoke there could be smoke we don't know what that means exactly it's a cool word we heard i hope

he fucking calls me back dude that'd be so funny what i didn't write that i'd be fucking stunts on us just like what do you guys know about nothing sorry i read an article it was like the article i chose to read i scanned all the stuff. I was basically like, yeah, sorry. Yeah, sorry. The one was like, the potato famine was a genocide.com. I was like, yeah, clearly this is my source. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was.com. Damn, that's a good website to make. For sure, dude. It was a genocide. I'm making a website. I'm paying $30 a year to keep this site running. I'd love for GoDaddy to call and be like, Hi, we're checking in on your hyperlink.

The potato famine was a genocide.com. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's mine. Yeah, go ahead. What's wrong? I'm still doing some stuff with that. Yeah, it had me hyped last night. Yeah, why?

You were just researching the potato famine? Yeah, I have a book. What the fuck i think the guy who wrote schindler's list also wrote a book about the irish so i was i've been hitting used bookstores pretty hard nice and that he wrote a schindler's list style book about it's like one of those big fat books that goes like multi-generational nice yeah so i was like there's a list about the potato famine. Like what, some guy had food? Yeah, pretty much. Started trying to feed them?

I don't know. I don't know what happens. You don't want to feed them. The Irish during the potato famine, that's like giving like a raccoon some food. They're subhuman, dude. You turn the fucking backlight on, there's 900 of them. It's like, oh, fuck, there's too many. Well, apparently they were accusing them of being sluts.

They're like, the Irish are disgusting sluts. Because that was the problem. They had too many kids and they were lazy. That's what everyone was saying about the Irish. Yeah. They're like, there are too many kids. They're fucking lazy. How many brothers and sisters do you have?

Six. Yeah, it's too many. I'm one of six. Gross. And I'm pretty fucking lazy. I'm real lazy. I wish my ancestors never got off that island, dude. Me too.

My horrible fucking bloodline should have perished in that fucking famine. The English were right, dude. The English were right. They're like, these fucking assholes. The English are assholes. They're like, these... The English suck, too. They're the same thing.

They're literally the same thing. That is the funny part. The distance between them. It'd be like us fighting. It'd be like Pennsylvania arguing with people from Ohio and being like, well, they're shitty. It's like, no, you're the same thing. You guys are literally the same thing. I was thinking PA versus New Jersey.

Yeah, it's the same thing. The fucking beach sucks, dude. Yeah. Like, fuck you, dude. You just talk different. That's it. Yeah, some bullshit. We should shut down all the Baskin Robbins in New Jersey.

True. Or just, like, taint the Baskin Robbins. We're in control of all the charcoal pits all the capital grills no we got to confiscate their wawa you guys nope you can't have these only wawa lords only one lord only lord can have the can hunt the wawa um yeah buddy but other than that guy yeah dude you know if you're gonna talk shit like that i'm gonna call him every day till he gives me an answer i might roll i have his fucking office i might roll up and be like bro what's good yeah just no easy it would be for me to get a bunch of fucking dudes

from kensington and be like guys here's what we're doing today we're gonna go to this motherfucker's address bro talk shit i'm gonna show up just like the haitians do to hillary clinton same thing what do they do the haitians roll up on Hillary Clinton all the time. Damn, that sucks for Hillary Clinton. Yeah, dude. Just Haitians bothering you all the time? Because of the atrocities you committed? Yeah.

I mean, that is quite the enemy, dude. Fuck. And people from Haiti coming up and protesting you. I was like, what the fuck are they so mad about? And you're like, don't look into it. Don't even ask. Don't look into it. It's so fucked up.

Don't look into it. Yeah. Also, too, I i mean that would be i wonder how true all that clinton foundation stuff is i mean dude if you have haitians coming in fucking the haitians maybe they got tricked online i don't know you think they read about it if you were haitian you'd be pissed oh my god if you read about that you'd be ticked they were fucking, their family called them and was just like, bro. Yeah. She fucking fucked my kids. And you're like, what?

Like, what should I do? And they're like, I don't know, dude. Go fucking, here's her address. Go fucking start. Go yell at her. Go fucking scream at her. It's probably a bunch of dudes with belts, dude, ready to fucking slap her, dude. They're probably.

Yeah, I don't. What were some of the crimes, allegedly? yeah i don't what what were some of the crimes allegedly uh there was a so allegedly there was a where the place was affected by all like the earthquakes and hurt all that shit that hit it there was a textile mill built in the part that wasn't affected and like no one ever fixed any of the shit yeah yeah they just went down and built factories with the money they built factories with the money on the parts that weren't affected and then there was people in trucks

who would just literally drive around and fly away and then apparently they looked in the Clinton Foundation and they were just billing the Clintons

like we did survey and they never built anything in the places where they did. Apparently they just didn't build that much shit and for all the money it doesn't add up.

Allegedly. That's it? I thought there was darker shit. And then a Clinton aide was caught smuggling children out of Haiti

and then people were like what the fuck are you doing and then the Clinton's like no no no she's cool she's cool why do they love kids I don't know dude

I don't think they love kids I think the conspiracy is that the elites are fucking kids I think the elites do fuck kids though I think that's always been a peasants mindset

about the elites no I'm pretty sure that's like that's always been a peasant's mindset about the elites. No, I'm pretty sure the elites... That's like what they used to say about the Jews. They'd be like, the Jews drink the blood of Christian babies. You know? Yeah. It's always been a very dumb peasant mind. It is.

They're fucking kids. Although Epstein's temple didn't really help. Epstein was... They kind of found the temple. Epstein, the problem is that... Yeah, it is funny, though, because there is a lot of folklore, but Epstein Epstein was in fact fucking kids and there was like a bunch of super rich kids come on 13 year olds that's pretty young that's pretty young and like that's very negligible super high profile peeps were chilling with this dude there's no way he was like secretly just trafficking young sniz and he just had these

friends who weren't cool with it and he was like well i'm not gonna tell them about yeah yeah they don't need to know about kids yeah that i have in this i don't know i don't know i don't know who knows i'm on a whole other wave anyway bro what's the way fucking nothing what's the fucking wave constant misery dude yeah hell yeah dude that's the sickest wave it's too, because I used to make fun of comedians for always being like, I'm fucking depressed, bro. Like, honestly, it's like, nah, bro. Yeah. You don't talk about it like that if you actually are.

For real? You just grit your teeth and keep going through your shithole life. That's what I'm saying, bro. You know? I disavowed, basically disavowed comfort today. Really? I don't get any sleep, bro. My bae's fucking pregnant.

She's sick. So I just, like, stay awake, go to go to work sit there and i'm just like holy fuck dude this shit's fucking crazy it's pretty it's not bad though for me i like it you like your job yeah i like it i'm like dude comfort is not comfort get out of the house exactly get out of the house i go do cool stuff the stuff i do i really like but it's also like in my head i'm like this whole idea of being like last night i was being a crab i was kind of like oh man because it's dude it's a the worst position so when like you're pregnant bae is keeping you up at night you just want to sleep so fucking bad but what are you what is it to be like i'm really tired there's just no room for being a bitch you just you cannot be a bitch yeah to be a bitch is to be like well i get that you're pregnant and like in pain and all but i'm really tired right now but that's going on inside of you

so you have to just be like it's all good it's all good i i don't i don't need sleep i'm not a bitch and then you're just not a bitch and then you're just like dude today i saw someone i saw someone at work was like talking to them for like 10 minutes and then went to go get a kid they had left the room went to another room i left the room what thinking to go get a kid. They had left the room. Went to another room. I left the room thinking I was getting a kid knocked on the room and it was the same person. I was like,

hey, what's his name in here? And they were just like, no, I'm in session right now. And I was like, oh yeah, fuck, I forgot you're not a teacher. Okay, bye. Dude, I'm like out of my fucking mind.

Yeah. So tired. Damn. But that was pretty funny. I was like, that's hilarious. Yeah. Talked to someone, I'm like, sorry,

I forgot you in five minutes and I just had a whole Other conversation with you The But the not being a bitch Thing is very Yeah Can't be a bitch

Well that's what Separates you from A dude that would Leave a pregnant wife True That's all it takes It's just being like You know what

Fuck this I'm going to sleep This is fucking hard It starts with that It starts with that Yeah Be like I honestly I get it and all I should be able to sleep. This is fucking hard. It starts with that. It starts with that. Yeah. Be like, I honestly,

I get it and all. I should be able to sleep. Yeah. He's like, I should be able to hang out with my friends still. He's like, I should have my own apartment.

Look, it's the same thing as a dude standing up in a beer hall and being like, I'm not paying that one tax. It eventually ends with a beheading.

For sure. That's how it all started. Or it is a hard dodge. Yeah. Hard dodge on the kid and then you just always hold it like, yeah, come on. Yeah, I know you're dead and all, but I don hard dodge Yeah Hard dodge on the kid And then you just Always hold it like Yeah

Come on Like yeah I know Even your dad and all But like I don't have to Be there all the time Yeah but are you Going to be holding Your hand the whole

Come on Families are different now Yeah We just You know Women are strong Yeah families are different I come see you on holidays

Whatever This is a sick move That dads do that It's fucking wild dude Yeah it's crazy Just ditching your kid It's crazy The results are disastrous The results it's crazy the results are

disastrous results aren't great but results are disastrous you gotta be a real baller to pull that off you gotta be a fucking monster yeah you have to be a monster a lot of times they use the the fact that they're arguing with their bae because if you're if you're like you know if you're already having a tough time in a relationship chances are you're not going to weather the pregnancy no pregnancy is like is it a dude is meta pregnant with all of his baes problems for about nine months you could plant you could just fight her constantly and then you yeah you could use that as an excuse to the kid yeah just be like i wish i could be here but your fucking bitch mom she kept me from talking to you for nine years yeah i wish i was here all she you know she's your bitch mom dude that happens it happens all the time i mean that's

if you're willing to leave your kid you're also willing to make excuses on other people you know it's so bad yeah it's so bad it's a thing to do. And then to have a bunch of people kind of defend it a little bit to be like, well, it's it's hard sometimes for people. And it's just like, yeah, not dude. It's it's indef, undefendable, undefensible. It's like, yeah, it's fucked up. Yeah. Indefensible to be like, well, who says that it's the best to have both people defending

it? There's people who are like, well, stop applying your norms on what a family should be. It's like, look, people don't have to live together, but, like, abandoning your children is fucked up. And they're like, well... Yeah. Well, it's different.

And it's just like, dude, it's bad. It's bad news. If anyone's even thinking about getting divorced, dude, the only acceptable way to divorce, the only way, I know. I didn't have kids, though. True. If I had kids, I would have suffered for 18 years silently,

like a lot of the good parents I saw do. Although, you should totally get divorced if you want to get divorced. What you should do, though, only if you get, you should go get a dupe. All divorce things should be like, someone should order you to take your assets and force you to buy a duplex, and you just have to live above or below.

And then it's just like a tiny, there's like a constant little, there's like a doggy door for your kid. Yeah. And you can just kind of go up and down. Yeah. And do their thing. Like a fire escape or a fire pole. It should be a fire pole. Yeah.

A fire pole that can go right down. Yeah. Custody. And then climb up a ladder. Yeah. Yeah, that'd be a bummer though because then you hear your lady having fun, dude. Hop down the fire pole and fucking land on her, dude. Hop down the fire, dude.

Your plan is debunked immediately. It's a recipe for absolute disaster. Are you serious? The murders in this country would quadruple. No way, dude. Think of a divorce where the guy didn't want the divorce but the wife let started just fucking someone else sure left him and he still loved her yeah that's a guaranteed murder he's not laying in bed and he hears someone fucking her that's romantic there's

a fucking fire pole that he can slide down and murder that's romantic i bet nine to five or you know during the day he's fine but you know how those thoughts come in at night yeah it's two in the morning you're just sitting there you hear like you hear that creaking you'd have to be every the walls would be like studio foam it would have to be totally soundproof totally soundproof yeah there's some boys that would slide down oh for sure i would get you they put on the steel-toed boots and just... Even if you built some sort of hatch, they would just gather that speed down that... They would grease that pole up, dude, and fucking come right through the ceiling. Yeah, there's no stopping it.

They'd come through the ceiling like fucking... There's a guy from Street Fighter, M. Bison, dude. He'd fucking shoot down. They'd get their ass beat by the guy who's fucking your wife. Oh, for sure, dude. That sucks. For sure. Yeah, that's true.

I mean, again, you'd have to... It's not a good plan i don't like the government forcing people to live anywhere you know i mean that's step one you get the government out of here true get the government out of here by your own accord yeah or okay take the government out then we'll just do all right so everyone gets married through the church and then there's like a like a league now i like it you have the church fucking uh do you ever get like far into like uh i don't know if like white Baptist church do this, but you ever get into like the new black churches

when they have like, fuck, I forget what they're called. They're called like, not church fathers or something. There's like church fathers who like, you can't get divorced unless the church father's like, you have my blessing. So they get like real into shit like that.

Where like you're in there and that some dude could, you could be like, I'm getting divorced and the church father is like, you have my blessing. So they get like real into shit like that. Where like you're in there and that some dude could, you could be like, I'm getting divorced and the church father could just be like, no, you're not. Damn. I'll say when you get divorced. That sucks. That's a really stupid system. Some guy that fucking like speaks in tongues,

steals money from people is controlling your life. Yeah, man. Wow. Well, yeah, it's there. There's still room for like, because if you can go if you can like some of those uh spud lives next door to one i don't know if they go that ham in terms of like telling who you can marry or whatever but it's it's like a four-hour tirade

of hate speech against white people sick so if you got someone that far off the reservation you can quickly oh yeah by the way dude don't let the white man say you're gonna get a divorce i'll talk to your wife and i'll let you know what's good with this divorce and whatever. For certain. Boy, that gets like it boils into a cult. And there's definitely, I could be pretty sure there's white versions of this. That's probably the preacher that's fucking in Spud's driveway. Oh, dude.

Probably takes him across the street, dumps on the wall, fucks a parishioner. Dude, I've been hearing some tales about dirty preachers, bro. Yeah? What are the tales you're being told? This is the same. Just trying to be players, dude. Trying to get pussy. Yeah, preachers.

I think, yeah, it seems to be something you hear about in the African American community, especially. I hear it in some of the hip hop I listen to. They don't like the preacher man. The preacher man. That has a lot of money and the nice suit and the fucking... True. Now, that's their problem.

Siphoning money. White people, ours is they just are fucking the kids. Yeah, we have how to be a player, Father O'Malley style, dude. Father O'Mellamy, dude. He's fucking. He's getting you. He's telling one fourth grader, he's like, I never even seen that little boy, man. I got to get out of here.

He fucking peels out. Damn, how to be a player for priests is really funny. I don't even know what you're talking about man you see some of the rules of the game babies you gotta whine and dine these motherfuckers you can't let them fucking dude just banging a fucking fourth grader and be like i've never seen that man in my life did you see how to be a kid finding the ball underneath the pillow be like whose toy is this i don't know baby whose box of crayons whose crayons I don't know, baby. I've never seen those in my life. He has another picture hanging on the fridge.

He's like, what the fuck is this, dude? I know this artist. Probably like a turkey with a hand. A hand turkey. He's like, is that John's? The name's clearly scribbled on half the page. Oh, my God. He has those dinner plates where you like draw your

whole family on who the fuck's place that he's like yo come on come on baby baby asking questions come here baby come here well that's his fault you should never have your fucking hose in the rectory you can never have you're never allowed to have your hose get your place no so that's how you fall as a player dude as a true priest player but yeah man that uh that shit cracks me up the church fathers and all that stuff is like my favorite thing right now. That's wild. Yeah, they can tell you cannot get a divorce unless they're like, I mean, you can just leave the father.

That's the other thing, too. Like, you can't get a divorce. You can easily switch churches. Yeah. You can Google church zip code and like 19 of them pop up. Yeah, you can walk another block. So if you feel oppressed by your church father, just fucking stop going to that one.

Come to the Catholic Church, the white Catholic Church. Just don't have kids. So if you feel oppressed by your church father, just fucking stop going to that one. Come to the Catholic Church, the white Catholic Church. Just don't have kids. Well, have kids. Have kids, yeah. Just keep a good eye on them because there's some players. Sure. The players are out there. And the thing that sucks is you don't know who's a player until it's way too late.

That's the game, dude. Well, because they all seem a little gay. True. They're all weird dudes, obviously. They believe really strongly in God. Oh, my God. They dress in goofy outfits, and they're all very weird men. Yeah.

Have you ever met a priest that wasn't a fucking weirdo? No. They're weird boys. I met one in high school who seemed cool. And the more I think about it, you get older and like, yeah, we had one, he was like showing everybody his CD collection every day.

I'd be like, damn, he's the man. Yeah. That's weird. You get older and you're like, what the fuck was he doing? Why does he show me that?

Yeah. Yeah. What is he trying to be cool? Dude. Yeah. That's weird. Which I guess, you know,

that would be, that would be something they probably game planned. They were probably like Alright go be relatable To the kids For sure Somebody probably told them To go do that or something

For sure Or he just you know Got his rocks off Being like hey I'm one of the cool guys Check this out I got this fucking DMX CD He was listening to DMX

Don't tell anybody I have it No He had like Will Smith Did he really Yeah shout out Dude imagine bumping Will Smith in the rectory with all your fellow priests.

Mm-hmm. They must have got crunk. They must have got crunk. They did get fucked up. Damn, how much do you think they were all secretly beating off? Just like,

kind of like, I gotta go upstairs. And then be like, I know he's beaten off. And then a minute later you're like, I'm going upstairs. I'm going upstairs too.

It's just an unwritten like, you can't tell. Do you think they had like special fount fountains for, like, flashlight cleaning? Definitely. There was masks. People were coming in like, dude, get that thing out of the fucking holy water fountain, dude. Imagine cleaning your flashlight in holy water. Matt, don't even say stuff like that.

I'm just saying, dude. That pisses me off. You go in and fucking dip your hand like, dude, come on. You're supposed to soak it. You're only allowed to soak it at nighttime. You're pissing me off. Dude, imagine that. You're pissing me off right now. You're talking about flashlights in holy water? I supposed to soak it. You're only allowed to soak it at nighttime. You're pissing me off. Dude, imagine that. You're pissing me off right now.

You're talking about fleshlights and holy water? I don't like it. Come on, man. I mean, where else are you going to clean them? Take a nice bath, dude. Just baptize it. That's what the baptismal, the fountain up front. You baptize your fleshlight.

Just fucking chrisming it. Chrisming the pussy hole. Just being like. Ooh, that's nice dude a little sign of the cross on the little butthole that's no good dude

this is junk this is blasphemy this is junk I'm sorry that's junk but doing the sign of the cross with your thumb

on a clit on a flesh I mean could you imagine inappropriate stuff could you imagine the pussy they get? A Catholic priest? A priest?

Dude, when they're like, a lady comes to you, she's like, I don't know what to do, father. Our sex life is bad, father. Yeah, like, I don't even know how to talk about this. Oh, I haven't come in three weeks. Husband died. Who else can break a bay off of some D? Who else can break a widow off of some D, dude, without anyone knowing? Do you think the broads like it, too? Yes. bay office md who else can break a widow off of some deed without anyone knowing i think that do

you think the broads like it too yes there's a guy who promised god he would never fuck anybody dude and your pussy is strong bro break a covenant you ever hear of a story called adam and eve bro come on bro come on dude tale as old as time they fucking love that shit damn god hates women that's why well he's always trying to fucking break his covenants well they can they can with the sniz dude that's why sniz is the devil yeah that's what the snake we should kiss dude we should kiss to end all fucking blast me stop all this bullshit i think that's how they get there what to kissing boys yeah i think we just figured out the equation they're like dude i'm gonna tell you what we're on chalkboard right now it's just like got it we finished the equation the chalk yeah that's how you kiss boys pretty much man yeah like have you heard of adam and eve we should we should fuck

that's what the snake was that's sweet sweet fucking eve sniffs uh yeah man the priests i don't know i just yeah they're not a good they're not good ambassadors i wonder i think that they were cool like back in the day like the french revolution priests they were fucking balling dude they were chill they were in senate like no dude we're keeping our land fuck you guys well back then it was like yeah it was cool to be a fucking bishop back then that was like serious now it's like if it's like, hey, the bishop's here. Fuck. Yeah.

You're just mean to him. You see, it was before it was like. I wouldn't say that. I was imitating a high schooler at a basketball game. That's what I had in mind. That was. The bishop would like come to your Catholic high school basketball game and see, you know, you might scream something inappropriate at him. I was still terrified of the bishop, bro.

When I was in confirmation age. Yeah. I didn't memorize my questions. I thought he was going to ask me a question. I was going to age. Yeah, the bishop was... I didn't memorize my questions. I thought he was going to ask me a question. I was going to be like, oh, and he's going to be like, to hell. Damn. I was scared of the bishop. But, yeah, man, that was one of the top dogs, dude, forever.

It was like political king guy, warrior type dude, priest. Other than that, peasant. That was it. There's four options. Yeah, there's the the three estates so they talk about yep priest fell to fell from favor there's guys who pray guys who fight and then just lords now it's just blogger comedian musician yeah that's pretty much it rest are peasants true podcasters podcasters are now kings Is this pretty much Podcasters Vloggers

Damn Rogies He's the god emperor For sure True You're a fucking You're Robespierre dude I am fucking Robespierre

You're just a Dirty little revolutionary I don't like it I can't believe You said those things About the fucking Holy water You said that

That was me testing you dude You said that You said you wanted To clean fleshlights In holy water I said that was me testing you dude you said that you said you wanted to clean flashlights in holy i said that's what they probably your fucking christian scorecard is low today dude you got a bad score today you got a bad score i'm trying to i'm calling out the people ruining the faith how so i'm trying to let people know i'm not with this false allegation i don't think any priest has ever cleaned a flashlight in holy water and you don't think no one ever came to a floating fake vagina? One of the dudes that holds a basket was like, father, father.

No. You think someone that carries the basket around and gets dollar bills? Well, that's what they double as is bull scoopers to get the cum out of them. All right. Do you think they do that? They're like, I don't want to disturb father. So there's some guy every morning who takes it out and just stabs it in the rectory. Get out of the... All right. Do you think they do that? They're like, I don't want to disturb father. So there's some guy every morning who takes it out and stabs it in the rectory. Get it out of here.

Be gone. He's like, father, one of those fake vaginas appeared in the holy water again. Oh, not again. Don't worry. I took it out and destroyed it. I took it out in the woods. That keeps happening. The devil is afoot.

I took it out in the woods and fucked it. We mustn't tell anybody. Don't tell anyone that I keep leaving them in there. That was so funny. At my church, they had a lady who played the organ who would constantly go outside and smoke cigarettes. I was thinking about some dude who's burying a flashlight. He's like, what are you doing out there?

He's like, nothing. Get back there. He thinks it's like Pet Sematary because they keep coming back. He keeps burying it and it comes back a day later. Coming back as like hot teenagers in like hot dresses in Easter. He's like, God damn it, they're back. Oh, man, hilarious. God damn it.

Did you have any wild, do you have any people in your church that were just totally wild out? Yeah. What were they up to? Drugs. Really? Just, yeah. Well, it wasn't like a i don't know well you didn't have like a church group no i'm saying anyone that like you would pull up like you go to mass and there'd be the one person there like this fucking weirdo there was a family there's like a very shitty family was there always disrupt the mass just not stop just be loud farting, talking. And then I think later

it just became our family. You guys took over? I think we, there was several, yeah. If you farted, my dad would hit me like every mass.

He would make me sit next to him and he would hit the back of my head. If you did anything. Because I couldn't stop laughing. Every mass I was ever in, it was crazy. Yeah, we used to get separated,

me and my brother. There was a bunch of us so we would like sit as far away from my parents as possible play grab ass yeah talk about like we would literally just like pat each other and like tilt our head towards someone we thought was hot and be like nodding like dude i totally would your dad must have been just furious he's so mad he would fart when he farted it's over your dad's smelling a fart in church and hitting you with a scowl is the he's just like looking at three people being like who the fuck like silence he's so afraid of making a noise in church but he also has to address the fart he's looking at you guys like you get out of

here you guys are getting fucked up you guys fart in church we'd be like it wasn't me it wasn't me I didn't fart. Dude, the best was if I would kneel, a fart was coming, dude. If I kneeled down, a fart was coming. Damn, you're kneeling nonstop in church. I know. Nonstop. I would kneel down. I used to do a thing where I would wiggle back and forth and let my nuts smack my legs. I would do that for like 10 minutes.

Yeah, fuck. Dude, bust a fart. Wiggling back and forth and swinging your nuts because your nuts are new. This was a point in your life where they just dropped, so you would swing back and forth and be like, this is crazy. I was just ping-ponging them back and forth. I would always try to sit, too, if no one was looking. Bro.

Put your ass on the pew. Bro. Get fucking hit, which is crazy to hit your kid for that. I never even thought about touching butt to the pew. I would touch butt to the pew. My mom and dad were total- Oh, they were psychos against it. They were eagle's eye against it.

Well, that's because they were embarrassed because the family behind you would be like, look at this pussy. You can't even kneel. You know what I mean? The shame of having a kid that would sit. We had a couple fat families. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who were like, they're a whole fat family where their butts would go to the-

The whole fat family where their butt would be on the pew. Well, it starts with the father. True. If your dad is somebody who's willing to put his ass on the pew, got a weak family you do that your family is soft that's fucking bullshit you might as well leave if you're gonna put ass to the pew as a dad you might as well leave your fucking family i can't even imagine if my if seeing my dad do that my dad has like real like knee problems dude i don't think his ass ever hits the pew if i saw phil do that pregnant ladies can do it that's it yeah true and geezers

geezers yeah there's a lot of strong geezers who refuse the geezers still refuse this is but yeah if a geezer must like an old lady for sure without a doubt today i have no doubt i would sit on the pew oh i i've been to church recently dude i'm fucking butt up if i'm at a wedding or something oh it's true it's no chance you're talking about not kneeling at all? I would kneel, but just sit. You're going to put your butt on the pew? Bro, I don't care. Fuck, not me, dude.

Nah, you're right. You're right. It's not even like, it's not like I care. But like, dude, like, Brittany's fucking pregnant. We were at a wedding. And she like leaned back and her butt hit the pew. And I caught myself being like, chill, chill, chill. Yeah. And I'm like, dude, I'm a fucking psycho.

She's pregnant. And I'm like, she shouldn't be kneeling like this. She literally can't. Her belly would be like smashing. chill, chill, chill. Yeah. And I'm like, dude, I'm a fucking psycho. She's pregnant. I'm like, she shouldn't be kneeling like this. She literally can't. Her belly would be like smashing into the thing. But dude, I still pop butt off the pew and I'm like looking around,

dude, at all times. Better not be sitting. I'm scanning. Who's sitting? I'm scanning, being like, what the fuck, dude?

Wow. It pisses me off. It ticks me off. Dude, I remember, I think I might have once slumped and my mom was like,

are you serious? There's people out here that probably, you better get your ass off that pew. She would spat. Did you guys leave early? Yeah, right after communion. The walk-off. The walk-off. That would be if, yeah, my family has done, as a family, hit that, which makes no sense.

As a kid, I would do it. Signing the cross. You got communion, so you just leave. It's hilarious. That was the whole point of the church. But you did have to otherwise just sit there and listen to fucking announcements for no reason. After communion. And battle the parking lot out.

Battle the parking lot. Yeah. Not only, so I would like, leaving after communion was out of question it's church talk yeah this is church you don't know what this is sorry you don't know what this is

sorry get to church this stuff will be relatable but yeah the after communion they made it a point like the song you know the last the song's just ridiculous

you gotta sing a song with all these fucking weirdos yeah and then list no announcements like the rectory will be serving bakery hospitality Sunday was lit dude mini donuts lemonade song with all these fucking weirdos yeah and then listen to announcements like the directory will be serving bakery the hospitality sunday was lit dude mini donuts lemonade ice tea cooler that was

like once a month dude hospitality sunday that's when i was like this is when the reels come out and feast on fucking donuts dude everyone else left dude you guys played yourselves wow i'm about to eat like 900 munchkins and chase my cousin around the church basement, dude. That's fun. Fuck you. It was awesome. That's fun. But you better watch out down there.

Yeah, yeah. You better. If you take a wrong turn in that maze, you got a hungry boy waiting for you. True. There's no such thing as free donuts, dude, in the Catholic church. If somebody's getting got

at the fucking after party. Yeah, man. That was fun. I remember just looking at my mom and being like, da-na-na-na-na-na-na. I'm like, all right, mom, the music's playing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not until the priest passes us with the cross. I'd be like, God fucking damn it. Oh, yeah, you've got to watch the priest walk out. The priest has to walk out before you even think about it. Fuck, I haven't even thought about this in years. Yeah, man. I forgot about that.

You've got to wait for that fucking idiot to leave. Yep. How do you feel? You have to be against homilies now. You could be delivering some sick sermons. Oh, dude, I used to purposely channel them out. Now I go and listen to them, and I'm like, bro. homilies now you could you could be delivering some sick sermons oh dude i listen i used to like purposely channel them out now i go and listen to them and i'm like bro homily sucks you have these people's ear and this is what you're bringing yeah i'm telling you dude in my once i get i have a decade full of shit i want to do then you think you might 45 50s not

i'm not joining the catholic church i'm gonna start a fucking church you should join the catholic church that would be tight if they. You should save the church. I might. I might do another Lutheran reformation on the Catholic church. New Pope. I might dose... I might become a deacon just to dose an entire parish. Just go to jail

for dosing them? It's a sick move. That'd be tight. Tabs of acid on the communion? Just some liquid, bro. Some couple drops. I think you might stir that up a little bit. Yeah. You'll be the first priest to forget his flashlight.

True. That'd be funny. That would be like, that would do that. That would hit the papers and they'd be like, not the worst thing. Yeah, that would be

one of the worst things. Really? People would be more upset about that than a fucking, if you banged a kid. Are you sure? If people opened the paper and were like,

oh, another priest fucked a kid, they'd be all right whatever if they open it was like a priest dosed his parish with acid this is crazy yeah but then i did hospitality sunday dude there'd be i would just trap every it'd be a nice casual lock-in look as if i know the media at all they're gonna leave out that you did hospitality sunday you think they're gonna fucking leave out they're gonna the story's gonna end with you you know true date raping your i wouldn't do any of that you wouldn't get anybody no all right i would i'd be all right guys listen at this point you've probably been in the you know seminary for a while true and you so you're hungry true if you have you have the whole gang dosed up you don't think you're hungry. True. I'm fat. And if you have the whole gang dosed up, you don't think you're taking someone down the basement, down the catacombs?

No way, dude. Yeah, one of those boys down there playing gets lost in the catacombs, runs into old Father McCusker down there. No, dude, because I would young pope the whole fucking squad coming into a parish. You'd say, if anybody's gay, get out of here. No, I'd be like, if anybody's gay, that's fine, but we're going to go roll the pedos up now. We're rolling them up. That's fine. Let's roll. Yeah, dude, I'd be like, if anyone's gay, that's fine, but we're going to go roll the pedos up now. We're rolling them up.

That's fine. Let's roll. Yeah, dude, I would just be a deacon. It's crazy they can't roll the pedos up. Who?

The Catholic Church. I think the pedos have like too strong a lobby in the Vatican. Oh, yeah, I hear what you're saying. Like every pope they elect

is just like, I'm not, I can't fix that problem. There must be a, you know, the U.S. government's locked into these corporate lobbies like big oil all that shit yeah catholic church is muddled with big kid ass i'd be tight if all their trade you know like they have a treasure big kid ass dominates the fucking vatican has the final say yeah that dark money yeah the i'd be love to see all their like treasure you know they have like like uh priceless treasures and shit and artwork

it's just like kids getting their dick sucked and they're like nah dude we would fucking sell it and help the poor but like you guys won't understand it's like really important stuff yeah probably just like pictures of hot young kids the vatican's artwork yeah, I mean... It's probably just all the school photos ever. They love keeping that shit. They love clout. Catholic Church is all about clout. We should storm the Vatican. How hard would it be to storm the Vatican?

Pretty hard. They have the Swiss Guard. They have the Swiss Guard, yeah. Swiss Guard would get us with, like, spears. Fuck, dude. Yeah, some dude dressed like a dickhead killing you. Well, is that all they have is spears? Or do they got firepower?

I'm certain they have firepower. Dude, that would be tight to storm the fucking Vatican. How many fucking Swiss Guards? What, like 40 guys, 50 guys? I have no idea. We got to start doing some research. I need to see what the optics are like. You should contact ISIS.

I think they'd be interested in sacking Rome. You and ISIS could team up on this. I mean, dude, I wonder what that would be like. I think that would be, you know, same manager, or, you know, new manager, same rules. True. If ISIS got in there, there'd be no break for the kid. I'd red wedding them, dude,

because obviously it'd be me and a bunch of patriots. I'd be like, nah, come on, guys. I'd fool them with gladiator handshakes, and then as soon as we're in there, dude, lock the doors and be like. You would kill the ISIS that helped you take the Vatican? Yeah, definitely. Treacherous. I'm Robespierre, bro.

Robespierre. Robespierre. I don't know how this is going. I can't tell. What? If this has been complete gibberish. People know what's going on. People get it. Let me know. Shout out. Yo, shout us out if you want to storm the Vatican, dude. No. tell what if this has been complete jibber yeah you know people know what's going on people get

it let me know shout out yo shout us out if you want to storm the vatican dude no let me tell you if they spread like area 51 yeah people like other people are about 2020 we're gonna storm the vatican but i thought we were good true we are we are we are good cali we're gonna take it back i'm gonna go see all the dirty photos they have underneath the fucking Vatican. I'm going to roll up the pedophiles. Yeah, dude. I'm going to storm it with my own fucking two fists. You're going to get knocked out, dude. I'm not going to bring any weapons. You're going to get knocked out by just some Italian dude just hanging out. I'm going to Vespa.

Some dude's going to stop pinching an ass somewhere. I'm going to be like, oh, I have to get back to work now. Big time ass pinchers. The Italians. What do you think of that? That's what they do. Really? That's how the Pope fell off track.

They went to Italy, and they're like, we can pinch asses here? And they're like, yeah, bro. He's like, anyone? He's like, anyone. You can kiss totally normal. Like, grab a little boy and kiss his lips. It is. In Italian culture, it's totally normal for them to kiss anyone.

Like, this is the perfect way to do it. So you think the problem with the vatican is just italians yes that's true everyone blames on homosexuals it's like wrong no it's italians it is the i can see how you'd confuse them true they are very indiscernible wow yeah i can see how you i would see where people got like... Do you think they have that Italian cat calling towards boys? For sure. Oh, you're looking so nice. You look a little...

The priest has tipped their fedoras down. Oh, come here. Amarone. Yes. Yes. This cast is hot, dude. Oh, my God. You know what?

We needed to make this a good episode because this is uh this weekend people are gonna be traveling this week true for thanks everything to be listening this shit rolling up to their shitty families just like oh man yeah one of my people gonna be bummed it's that's that's the one thing i was saved from i'm i was like never bummed to like go to my family functions i was like thinking that, how much that fucks people up this time of year. Yeah. Having to like confront the people who have just like ruined their life.

And you're like, fuck, I gotta go see all those people. Just someone like, what, you think you're better than me? And it's like, fuck you, dude. Yeah, mine's gonna be interesting this year. Yeah. I'm gonna be fielding a lot of questions.

Extended family. A lot of questions about what I've been up to. You should stay shut in. You should show up and immediately sequester yourself to another room and just have someone

bring you your meal. I used to do that. Did you really? I used to go in and my grandma, R.I.P., would sit and, oh, that's sad.

Yeah. I would sit and watch football with her. Just go in her room? She did love football. She was a good grandma. I've been shitting on her pretty hard lately.

I do too. Well, she'd be, I think she'd be into the laughs. Yeah, she'd think it was funny. You got some good laughs, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But she used to chill with grams. Yeah, yeah.

So we should just go in the room. All you need to do to ditch your family is have a game system. Game system in the basement, go downstairs and game, and you're like, just chill down there. Yeah, that used to work, but now, you know, now I'm 30. You can't take a game system off. You can't be like mom i'm playing xbox in the basement i can't hang out order a pizza no the uh what's my pizza coming i hate turkey we do it at my cousin's house and we have a we have an archery competition what yeah

you guys are wasps i don't think it's in like a No You guys are fucking Fockers dude Bow and arrow Yeah No It's not wasp You don't think so Bro

What are you talking about You guys have an archery competition Yes Who wins I'd never win Really I'd launch it Straight over the target

Every single time Did you ever shoot it Straight up in the air I should this year Have everyone run Just be like Oh yeah yeah Run oh my god that is fucking sick dude i love hearing my family do tight shit like that we used to play scrabble how'd that used to have a cousin battle how that goes shut down got shut down a couple times one time censored one time katie had my my sister Katie had a couple of drinks. No. Didn't take losing too well.

What? And she punched me in the face. She fucking punched me in the face. I would love the idea of your family scrabble, just all slurs intersecting. Slurs. Like, Dad, is that a word? Like, yeah, we used to say that. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That's so funny, dude. There's not enough C's in the game. We ran out of C's. The whole family Scrabble board is sad. There's only three C's. Oh, my God. If you get that word, you win.

Oh, my God. Dude, imagine this year if I get that word. You got to go for it and win Scrabble. Dude, imagine this year if I get that win. You got to go for it and win Scrabble. Somehow, my career redemption involves me being a professional Scrabble player. ESPN 3 is covering it. For sure. Nationals.

I'm dead. Last move. I look down at that little tray. It's just spelled out perfectly. Oh, fuck, dude. What do you do? I got to go for it. I'm talking about like armor. You, fuck, dude. What do you do? You go for it. I gotta go for it. Take the win.

I'm talking about like armor. You go for the win. You gotta go for the win. Have to. You must, dude. Just looking down at that tray that has my letters on it, just fuck.

It is funny, too, the old building compound slurs off it. Oh, sweet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. S-A, all right, perfect. But dude, you can't build off my fucking word like dude i get your triple word bonus but no i already put it down do you don't get it off that fuck that's so funny so you guys are going to be hitting the have you have you hit any archery ranges you should get nice before no no i really don't like it Who's the key archer in the family?

My cousin Casey's good at it. She's good. Okay. I think. No, I don't know who's good at it. Who won last year? I don't remember. Wait, hold on.

What happened to your sister spazzing out and losing? Well, she got drunk and fucking punched me while we were playing Scrabble. What? Yeah. In the face? In the forehead. She jabbed me in the forehead. What?

Yeah, it was very odd. She still acts like it was like we were young. She was probably like 28. How mad were you? I laughed. I was like, oh my God, you're fucking crazy. Wait, so were you talking shit to her in Scrabble? Yeah, I was because I dominated them in Scrabble. I'm good at Scrabble.

Well, you know all the bad words. I know all the bad words, dude. There was a big controversy because I used the word nines. Okay. And I would have won, but it was challenged. And nines isn't in the dictionary. The nines is like a golf course? Nines, like dressed to the nines.

Oh. I thought nines. Plural. The word nine, plural. Yeah, I saw. Like I had a pair playing poker. I saw a pair of two nines yeah that's fair yeah a big controversy in the family did they look like a leather bound

dictionary if you went online i guarantee that'll pop up i was bummed about that that would piss me the fuck off dude damn i open my thing i just see who do i see but timothy don't name him anymore it might be probably not we don't want to bust this boy. There's also classic words. Cousin Patrick hit a big one. He hit toadies. Ooh. Toadies was a big one, as well as zouaves. Zouaves.

That was challenged, and that's a French soldier in the Civil War. It was like a French uniform that guys wore. Yeah, what the fuck? Couldn't believe he won on that. They couldn't. Well, they was like a French uniform that guys wore. Yeah, what the fuck? Couldn't believe he won on that. They couldn't. Well, they let you do French, though? Well, it was an American. It's been adopted?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, I hate to break it to you, Shane. Nine. A group or unit of nine individuals. Plural noun. Nines. Exactly. All in the fucking Google Dictionary, bro.

Well, technology. You should have won. I should have won. I should have won that. You think there will be some sort of... Well, what's funny is every year, if you open the box, all the old scorecards are still in there. I can break that one out. You could amend that wrong. Nines is a word.

I shouldn't have skipped a turn on that. That's not right. Yeah, you should go amend that right here if you want to print it out. True. Plural noun, nines. Please. That's some motherfucking bullshit. That pisses me off, nines. Please. That's some motherfucking bullshit. That pisses me off.

I'm pissed now. That's some fucking bullshit. I lost the spelling bee to fucking cabinet. It pissed me off, too. Cabinet's a tough one. That was my bad because I spelled it C-A-B-N-E-T. I was like, cabinet, C-A-B-N-E-T. Thank you.

They're like, wrong, dude. It's cabinet. Fuck. Fuck. Cabinet. C-A-B-n-e-t you were in a spelling bee yeah i was good no you weren't you got cabinet wrong yeah but other than that i was crushing it dude i was a sixth grader in a sixth seventh and eighth grade in sixth grade i was one of the fuck i was one of like the last four or five people left I saw bad I saw poor spellers Was probably fucking

I went to There's a bookstore Down the street from me That I go to I frequent every now and again Yeah Dude this lady You should have

A A Cross dress reader night What's that? Or a I should drag read Yeah That's not a bad idea

You know how they do that? Yeah Yeah I should set that up I'm arranging it sexual positivity. You just dress like a woman and come in and read like young. I'm thinking about a franchising Comet Pizza and ping pong. What's that?

The famous pizzeria in Washington, D.C. That someone stormed with a rifle. I might open one up in Northeast Philly. Just a CBO coming by. Open it next door to the Catholic Church. in DC that someone stormed with a rifle? I might open one up in northeast Philly. Just to see people coming by. Open it next door to the Catholic Church. I'm going to open it next door to the Catholic Church and comment pizza. Get those boys fired. They'd be like, this is crazy.

I'm going to check it out. Who's that guy? There's a guy from Philly who goes pretty ham on the viral clips. He's the one who goes to Biden and be like, why do you touch fucking girls joe why do you fucking touch girls i don't know who's this howie there's a philadelphian i think his name's howie and he like goes to hillary and he like heckles dnc people he bothers

democrats and gets kicked out he's from philly dude nice pretty tight but i was i'm in this bookstore it's a tight move dude it's a hilarious move to film yourself and then be like oh what the fuck what what what I can't talk yeah what I'm not allowed to say anything you're like oh Joe Biden

you're fucking gay and then the guy's like get out every night he's like okay I see how it is you're kicking me out okay you should kick

fucking him out because he's a child molester alright I'll leave get the fuck off me don't touch me I'm leaving dude it's so fucking funny that's not

you you could fuck up and end up that guy. Who? You. How? There's a different path. There's a butterfly effect that could take place

where you end up being that guy. I don't think you're far off. From being Howie? You could Howie out. I'm about to open... You're a few more, like, Clinton Foundation books away from, like... I'm about to open...

I'm going to show up and yell at him. I'm going to open Comet Pizza, bro. I'm about to open Comet Pizza and ping pong and then guess what to expose them i will run a child sex ring in there just let america know what really goes on in there true self-fulfilling prophecy exactly dude like oh yeah you guys don't think you're running a child you don't think pizza gates real guess what check this i'm doing it i'm doing it just to draw attention to Pizzagate. Yeah, I feel about that. If we ever did open a podcast studio, I think it would be appropriate to design it as a

comet pizza on the outside. Dude, so I'm in this book. Or a Epstein Temple. An Epstein Temple? Or... If you just built an Epstein Temple in Philly. Or... As a podcast studio, it would be sick.

I'll get it. We'll get it a place with a backyard where we can set it up as like a Mexican sex trafficker dungeon. Did you ever see the Mexican sex trafficker sex camps? No. That they found in Arizona, that dudes in Arizona went to and were like, I'm here right now at a sex camp. As you can see there, there's a couple of trash bags.

There are clearly fucking kids in those trash bags. What? There's some clothes over there. You ever seen videos of the fucking like Arizona sex camps? No. Why would I ever watch these videos? Like, why are you surprised other people haven't seen this video? This was a while ago, dude.

Okay. Well, obviously the mainstream media blocked you from seeing it. It would be a guy walking through tunnels, the big three guys in AR-15s would be like, we're live at a sex camp. If you like, like and subscribe. A couple, a couple of eagles

just ran off but there's kids with them. I think they're over there fucking them. There's a little dugout right there. As the kids tied up, there's ropes.

Dude, it's the fucking, the videos are off the hook. I don't like it. Howie probably rolled out there and saw it. I was like, yeah,

I saw what the fuck he said. They find him for it and they're like, oh, fuck, dude, I was walking through the woods with an AR-15. I found a sex cam. Yeah, it's funny

that that's become the conspiracies now. It used to be like finding Bigfoot. Now it's just finding child sex slaves. We found him. Joe Rogan did not find him.

He found Bigfoot and now we're like, all right, what else? You know what? I just listened to his last special. Not the most recent. The one right before it. He's in Denver.

Which one? He talked about it. He talked about it. High. Denver. It was a strange time. Oh, yeah. Maybe it was two ago.

Yeah, it was Denver. Yeah, you're right. Yeah. Reason to school. I don't know where he was when he said it, but he talked about finding stuff. It was pretty funny. He found them? Talked about like, that's one of the things he regrets ever doing.

He feels like a fucking idiot. That's so funny, dude. Which is really funny. I mean, dude, I like the fact that he pushed the pedal on that that hard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I really enjoy that. He's like, we're going to find Bigfoot. I mean, dude, I respect that.

Someone getting paid like a few years later be like i really one thing i really regret it was when i tried to find bigfoot i just like the idea of someone finally coming into money like all right i'm about to blow i'm about to blow the lid off of aliens and bigfoot like okay sponsors are like all right, let us know when you're done with that. Yeah, I respect the fuck out of that, dude. Damn, that's a sick power move, too. Because he probably had agents and shit at the time where you got to sit in a meeting and they're like, so what are you working on? Me and my boys are going to find Bigfoot.

The best is him doing all the shows about conspiracy theories and slowly, in every episode, people are like, yeah, that's not real. It's like, whoa, fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Guys, rap. That's it. No, chemtrails don't exist either.

God damn it. Motherfucker. Chemtrails had a good run. Chemtrails were, there was a little bit of stuff coming down, but yeah, it was like Bigfoot. There was a ton of them. I remember watching every, I was like feverishly tuning in. That was like the height of my ancient aliens addiction. And I was like, fuck yeah, dude.

Finally, someone has all the answers. And I had to tune in and be like... What's his name did that too? Jesse Ventura. Did he really? He had a show like that. Where he would debunk shit. He improved any of it.

He said he found a FEMA camp. Basically, he was trying to say he found a concentration camp. He's like, the government's going to get us soon. There's a concentration camp. That's probably what he found. That was probably the camp in the woods. Maybe. We got to get AR-15s and walk the woods.

I need an AR-15. We got to go check the woods. That's what, you hear enough of these stories. Again, we found the equation. I wonder if Rogan. You just read the final equation. It's just like, oh, I got to buy an AR-15. Sasquatch could be real.

I might pledge my AR-15 in my service to Rogies, dude. Slow down. If you want to take up the good search again, if you're going to start doing the good work, I will pledge my AR-15 and just walk around the woods. What are you going to find? Almost undoubtedly. I'm going to find just a soda can and be like, a kid was here. Find someone sleeping in a tent and be like, are you guys find almost undoubtedly just a soda can and be like a kid find someone

sleeping in a tent and be like you guys fucking kids in here you fucking kids yeah dude yeah there's yeah i don't know what's going on with oh you guys got cookies in here yeah somehow though it's funny that the the right wing in this country is like there's people fucking kids dude for sure sick that's a sick thing to go after. Well, it used to be like. It's like their stance. It used to be like. At the Republican debates.

Well, they're not going to have any, but that's like a strong. They're not doing debates? The Republicans won't. Giotta said no debates? No, no. They're going to do. But no, I mean, like the Democratic Party is finding a candidate. Trump's going to run.

He's just going to run. Okay. Okay. That's right. That's right. Then at least not. They should at least Warm him up You know how they get

All the candidates on stage And like who here Believes in evolution Or like shit like that Raise your hand At the Republican They're gonna be like Who here believes

In Pizzagate dude Which one of you The whole fucking podium Is gonna be like I voted against it Dude I voted against Pizzagate Yeah man

That'll be They should warm him up, though. What's that? They should let him spar with some people. Trump? Yeah. I don't know. He's going to be wiling, dude.

He is going to wile. He's going to be bringing up Epstein. He's going to be fucking... They're going to try to get him on his one trip to Epstein. Well, he won't even acknowledge it if they bring it up. He'll just be like, that's not as many times as Clinton. And they'll be like, well, you're not against her this time. He's like, you liked her.

Dude, that's going to be too funny. That's going to be one of the most high. That might be one of the most tuned into television events. The debates, whoever, him versus whoever is going to be nuts. He's like Muhammad Ali status, dude. He really is. He might be the greatest. In terms of presidential debaters, it's easy to say that he might be the greatest in terms of

entertainment value yeah that's going to be the highly most highly televised and tune-in event around the world and people are going to be there's many people you know the cut cameras like an m-i men in black where they do all around like cairo egypt oh fuck dude he called that guy gay oh fuck he said gay dude the president said gay i wonder who he was attacking he like came out like attacking on some like 1997 shit like attacking rosie o'donnell and stuff yeah i wonder who's gonna be in his crosshairs now who knows dude he's just gonna come out and be like i like the old rosanne. Hate the O'Connors. Ah, USA. USA. Yeah, it is exciting, and it's this year.

It's coming up. He's going to start fucking people up soon. Like December or what? No. Oh, like the end of 2020? But I mean, it's 2020. True. It's going to start really ratcheting up, which it feels like, I mean, it sucks.

It feels like the election just never stopped. Didn't. It just kept fucking, it just kept going. Yeah, dude, definitely. up which it feels like i mean it sucks it feels like the election just never stopped didn't it just kept fucking it just kept going yeah dude definitely it's all day now it's just politics politics it's just shit i love how it used to be like we're forgetting about the kids you're like they're fucking the kids yeah yeah yeah like children are this country's future like now it's like we gotta stop these pedophiles yeah they're out there i just i wonder i really do wonder what in 2020 2020 dude it's gonna be fucked up yeah because they're gonna

meet they're gonna match his fucking shit so you're gonna be like heard you have a little dick and you don't get any pussy bro i don't i don't know if you're strategizing with who they're gonna run you can't do that well they tried the republicans tried out the republicans tried out trump trump they're like yeah yeah dude small hands yeah he was like i've never had that complaint look at these hands he shows his hands yeah he's like and in that department either oh He just got on stage and was like, I have a nice dick. Yeah. Yeah, I don't. Oh, shit. Take a break.

Take a quick break. We're back. Shane just disgraced my basement by farting in it. Have you been drinking? Why? I'm just curious. Why? My upstairs smells a bit like a fucking distillery.

Really? It smells a little bit like uh met or metabolized alcohol no you haven't been drinking at all i didn't drink last night shit you think i just smell like booze i don't know my right half the stair smells like i'm sorry matt how did you did you drink the day before that yes Yes. Dude, there's no way upstairs smells like alcohol still. I have cuvade syndrome, bro. You think that because I fucking went out and had a nice time. Come on, Matt. We should have some drinks.

Two nights ago that you can still smell it upstairs. Matt? I went upstairs and I'm like, something smells like alcohol. Are you high? No. Are you high right now? Not at all. You would have to be high to come up with a plan like that. Or have cuvade and have very good senses, smells like alcohol. Are you high? No. Are you high right now? Not at all. You would have to be high to come up with a plan like that.

Or have cuvede and have very good sense of smell. You don't have cuvede. You don't have a gluten allergy. These are all made up. Dude. And you're going to come at me about my drinking problem? I was just curious. Get out.

I want to know if my nose is right or not. No, no, no. That'd be sick if I snuck booze before the podcast. No, it doesn't smell like you just drank. it smells like your body is in the process of like releasing alcohol to the pores that would be crazy i was upstairs for 15 minutes an hour and a half ago could have been a drunk in my house and i don't know about it it could have been someone else matt i could be getting i gotta be honest what you're what you're accusing me of isn't good and i don't like it i could be i'm saying i could be honest, what you're accusing me of isn't good, and I don't like it.

I could be getting two times. I think you're high on dope again. I'm not high on dope. Did you take fucking psychedelics again today? I didn't take psychedelics or dope. Did you take psychedelics or dope? Only, dude, I set aside three hour blocks. You see my Chase Lounge.

You see where I do my dope. You see where you dope and lay on a couch. You lay on a nice couch. Those are weighted blankets. They're nice. They're beautiful. You get high and lay on a couch. You lay on a nice couch. Those are weighted blankets. They're nice. They're beautiful. You get high and lay on a couch. Shane?

Matt, you're doing dope and laying on a couch in a basement. I explore trance-like states, dude. I explore hypnagogic states. Yeah, I have family members that were addicted to exploring hypnagogues. And it's tough. We had to sit them down and say, you got to knock it off. That would be tight if she was like, dude, I'm only doing it for three hours a day. What the fuck are you talking about?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, to answer your question, I'd be shocked if I was emitting booze from two nights ago. I don't know what the fuck. I'm telling you, that's that smell. You think I smell like booze? I don't know. I smell. And so much so that it lingers in rooms when I leave?

It smells like a priest upstairs, dude. Dude. I don't think. It could be anything. I just want to know what the fuck that smells. I walked upstairs. I'm like, what the fuck does it smell? It's like Beezer's house.

It smells like Beezer's house. Well, Beezer's house has a... There's a trash can always full of empty beer. No, it smells like Beezer's house when Shan there's a trash can always full of no it's mostly beezer's house when shaner sleeps over those two did those two came up to the stand last night they were in new york last night what they do they showed their ass what they just did what they do that's it you fucked it just being you fuck real you fucked it energy up there were they really yeah what happened nothing it's Got hammered? Not gonna say.

Yeah, they were just fucked up. It was funny. It was really funny. To see like New York comics have to interact with those two. Fuck this.

That sucks. I'm just sitting there like Jesus Christ. Fuck you. The fuck is this guy? Oh, that's great. That's so funny. It was very funny.

That is so funny. Yeah. I can't believe you accused me of drinking on the job. I didn't say on the job. It was very funny. That is so funny. Yeah. I can't believe you accused me of drinking on the job. I didn't say on the job. Dude. I just said you might be hurting. No.

You might be weak. No, I drove last night. Okay. I drove to the comedy club to make sure. But the day before. Day before, I did, you know. How many pops do you have? I had a couple pops the day before.

I was out until 6 a.m. What? Come on, man. It's a lifestyle, baby. Dude, you were sun worshiping? I worshiped the sun, yes.m. What? Come on, man. It's a lifestyle, baby. Dude, you were sun worshipping? I worshipped the sun, yes. Did you really? Yeah, but I didn't get like, it wasn't like, I wasn't like hammered.

Just drinking? I mean, I was definitely hammered. I wasn't hammered. I was just up all night. I wasn't hammered. I was just drinking until 6 a.m. That's fair. Yeah, it was a fun time.

And that was what? Oh, that was Saturday night. Saturday night. You had Saturday night fever. Yep. That's not a big deal. It was live, baby. No, it was not. time and that was what oh that was saturday night you had saturday night fever yep that's not me it was live maybe no yes there's nothing wrong now so i mean to imagine that that hangover is still in me sometimes we it's not it's not like you're matt i'm telling you right now you're out of your element i'm gonna go i'm gonna go upstairs and do a walk go upstairs and do a walk through where did you think you smelled it around the den in the living room yeah okay do you think you smelled booze Around the den. In the living room? Yeah. Okay.

Do you think you smelled booze from me sitting there for? Dude, she had two of her friends over one time, and they had been drinking for like a weekend straight, and they came and sat here. My house smelled like booze for like a day. No, I'm not going to stand for this. I'm not going to stand for this. My house still stinks like dope whenever you're over there. Are you serious? Dude, you got my car like a month ago.

My car came in the dope stink out of my car. It stinks like dope, dude. I'm so afraid to get pulled over. You get pulled over. You're like, officer, I fucking hate dope. It's a friend of mine. My friend. My goddamn friend stinks like dope.

He does dope. I am sick that you accused me of this. I'm not accusing you of anything. How dare you? You think that I sit on a couch for 20 minutes and it stinks like booze? Something smells like a beer haul, dude, in my fucking house. You broke my heart tonight, Matt. I was curious what the smell was. Are your pupils dil pupils dilated dude i think you're on dope right now

hell no you have to be doped up to think of something i'm back down i just do dope once every week or two weeks every what one week or two weeks it's not bad how many times when's the last time you did dope last time i surfed on that couch when was the last time you were couch surfing uh literally last week okay so i'm due i'm due for another three hour fucking period yeah i'm due to fucking you don't just get super high for three hours you get super high like that for that's an all-day experience not for me i'm talking about come on man once you i mean look will will you? When I drink, I'm only drinking for three hours. And then it just wears off right away. For me, it does.

Matthew? Do I feel a little bit... I think step one is to admit you have a problem. Please, dude. Matt, you're addicted to the dope. I mean, that's true. I'm going to send you to camp. That's true.

I'm going to send you to... Fuck, what's that called where they make kids go out in the woods for... Oh, fuck. Dude, you just... There was a camp I recently found out about. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm going to send you down to South Carolina. We're going to get you out in the woods. We're going to spend a couple months.

Are you talking about conversion therapy? Kind of. We're going to get you down there off dope. Off the dope? Yeah. It's going to be tough. You go down there and you're like, I know you guys like aliens, but they're not that cool. And you're like, cool.

Oh, cool. Rich kids that smoke weed get sent to like these camps i forget what the fuck they're called really yeah there's like literally there's kids there's camps for like teens who smoked up that like yeah it's i mean i think they were designed for kids that like really do crazy shit like pop my eyes but then you know rich rich parents are like, we found a joint. He needs to go to camp. And he just finds more drugs down there. He needs to go to summer camp. Oh, it's so tight, dude. But no, I'm fucking pissed that you accused me of this.

I asked simply, did you drink? Because I'm trying to narrow down. Did I drink? The smell in my house. True. True. Come on, man. Did I party?

How has the drinking been over? Well, hit me with the last week. What was the last week like? There's some drinking. There's some drinking. How much drinking? We had a little fun, man. Come on, man. Did I party? How has the drinking been over? Well, hit me with the last week. What was the last week like? There's some drinking. There's some drinking going on. We had a little fun, man. Come on. How much drinking are you talking?

No. Too much. You're back off the way? You're back off the way. God damn it, Matt. What are you doing the night before Thanksgiving? It's Party City. No, dude.

No, I got to explore the astral plains of downtown Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. I got to go out and find my way. No, I haven't been getting drunk, though. That's the thing. What have you been doing? Just drinking. Not getting, like, hammered, though. You're staying baseline.

No, yeah. Keeping it easy. Keeping it easy. Yeah. That'd be tough. You ever see the Jim Morrison movie where he follows a Native American? Yours is just you driving in some dude's cab and be like, what country are you from, bro?

What country are you from? Where the fuck are you from for real? Dude, how fucking annoying. Matt, I hate this. These accusations make me sick. Whose fucking side are you on? Listen to me. I expect it from the the

mainstream media but when it's coming down from my best friend hitting me with these false accusations it was one question it hurts my feel especially especially when i got some dirt on you what do you got on me you're addicted to dope dude i know you're addicted to dope and i'm not gonna get in you know i'm not gonna say it but you you also do mushrooms. You're going to talk about doing mushrooms? I'm addicted to psychedelics. I'm down here, dude, like fucking Tom Hardy on a big opium pipe on my fucking Chase Lounge. Down here doing a little bit of mushrooms. I don't like it.

It's fucking sick, dude. Will you submit yourself to hitting the Chase Lounge? Man, that would be so bad. Shane, you would love it. Spud just did it. Spud just did it. He'd love it. Talk to Spud about this.

Talk to Spud about this. I am in no mental state to- You see that concrete wall right there? You want to go through it or not? Matt, if I come down here and smoke half of one of these volcanoes- That's the problem. If I get super high- No, you got to smoke two.

I'm fucked. You'll be fine. Dude- I'll be here. You're going to be like I'm fucked. You'll be fine. Dude. I'll be here. You're going to be like a Native American tending to me. I will. Like in a smoke chamber. Absolute shaman.

I would be like... You need it. Sweating. It'd be horrible. You need it. No, I don't. Dude, you go take a little Keefy crawler, pop that down, wait about half an hour, we'll chit chat.

That volcano bag's going to rise over that thing as much as you can. Take that thing down. Then you have to come on and experience with me. That's fine. All right. I would gladly do that. Bong a couple beers. Sure.

Yeah. Easily. Then we'll sit down and chat. I've done this with you before. I've literally done this with you before. I've gotten high with you. You never hit the couch. You never got blacked out with me.

Yes, I did. When? Snow day. Oh, yeah. I fucking wandered off. I got fucked up, dude. That's when we were playing that Mario Kart drinking game. I started chain-smoking joints just to stay awake.

Mario Kart drinking game's rough. God, I got fucked up. And I played it with high ABV cider. No, wait. What did I drink? Yeah, it was high ABV ciders. Damn. I was chugging like 8% ciders.

Fun day, though. That was hilarious. I showed up to a party, went inside, immediately called an Uber and left. Yeah, I remember that. That wasn't a good showing for me. I don't remember it. Yeah, you really fucking pissed me the fuck off at the end of this thing. I got to go upstairs to see what's...

I was like, is my ba two time of me man it was my best friend walking around i think it was that old pot pie you were eating you think that pot pie smelled like pot pie could be smells like could just be me my family told me i stink yesterday i could be smelling my own ass you think it smelled like shit no i smell i was just trying to make you feel better. It's booze. It smells like a problem upstairs. Matt, you're fibbing right now. Let me tell you how this goes.

You think this is all this dope? I think you're fibbing. You got dope brain. You're coming in here acting like I'm sweating out booze from when? The night before. Let me tell you something. I don't sweat. Oh, my bad. I'm sorry. I cannot from when? The night before. Let me tell you something. I don't sweat. Oh, my bad.

You're 100% right. I cannot sweat. You're 100% right. You've had way too much adrenaline from stand-up comedy to sweat. I cannot sweat. Unfortunately for you and for this fucking argument. During the last 10 minutes ago, I couldn't sweat. I can sweat now.

It could be me, dude. It could be me. It could be an article of clothing. I don't know. It smelled. It reminded me of the smell of stale. You don't smell. I'm telling you.

You think I'm emitting it up there but not down here? The basement quashes all smells, dude. You think the basement quashes all smells? Yeah. You think that's a reasonable point? It could be anything else. I said that. I asked you a simple question.

You came down. No, no, no. You are convinced that you are right and that it is me that smells like booze. As soon as I walk out that door to drive to Harrisburg to complete six hours of driving I've done today. Tour de force. Okay. Yeah. You're going to look to your wife and say,

I think Shane's got a problem. He stinks like booze. I think he was boozing. I'm not even going to go to her. I'll tell you what. I'm going to go to an Al-Anon support group.

The guy with a podcast and my co-host slash best friend has an alcohol problem and I want to talk about it. God damn it. Dude, I do not have a dope problem.

You, of the two of us, It's a way of life. You have a dope problem. You, of the two of us... It's a way of life. You have a dope problem. Hank, dude, it's a way of life, dude. Sorry. Mahalo, bro. Mahalo, bro. Sorry, dude.

I'm all mahalo. You're all, it's five o'clock somewhere, dude. It is. Seven. I have no idea what time it is. Look. All right. I did stop at a bar on the way here. No way.

No, you fucking idiot. I didn't think you did. You dope fiend. You dope fiend? You think I'm drinking on the job? I don't think you're drinking on the job. Damn, it ticks me off. I don't think you're drinking on the job.

Damn, you got that dope up there. Did you see my bomb? Yeah, there's a bomb sitting next to a volcano. I mean, this would be like me making this argument surrounded by bottles of vodka. I'd be like, I don't have a problem with drinking. You'd be surrounded by vodka. I'd be like, I smell weed in here, dude. What's your problem?

You all right? I was simply asking you a question because I wanted to see if my nose was right with cuvede comes heightened senses what is cuvede it's when as a man you like absorb your uh your wife's like pregnancy yes symptoms and it's not medically proven that's french disease yeah okay so french are on top the french are on top of this stuff um terms are like really bitch fucking diseases they're like yes we have it i'm also tired i'm lazy too i'm hungry i wonder if that cuvade is when dads leave that's cuvade syndrome dude they're like i was fucking i'm pissed too i'm fucking moody um i postpartum i had to get the fuck out of there no no we gotta get out of here um i'm leaving i'm fucking pissed yeah go home to your family dude i gotta go home my family i'll be

there boozing you think they're gonna pop one open for you no not till tomorrow i think phil will crack one open for me this one's on he's just gonna going to drink. He'll be drinking. He'll be drinking right now. He's going to slide you a silver bullet? No, I don't. What's his beer choice? I don't drink in the house. Miller Lights, I think. What's up?

But he's usually sipping vodka. Ooh. Or, okay, like wine. Every once in a while you'll see him with a plastic cup full of wine. That's respectable. Yeah. Waking up after chugging see him with a plastic cup full of wine. That's respectable. Yeah. Waking up after chugging a bunch of wine is a weird mouth feeling. Yeah.

It's not quite a hangover. It's just kind of like. Yeah, it's disgusting. It's pretty much like status or like an easy. It's like the primary mode of operation for like a 25-year-old girl. Yeah. Waking up like every day like. I love wine.

It's like ew. Ew just out fucking nasty disgusting wine is the fastest route to alcoholism is it yep britney's uh how do you get addicted to dope gateway drugs dude what leads you to dope? What led you? Smoking little packs. We used to smoke packs of tea in the woods. Really? Me and my cousin, I used to steal tea. We'd take tea out of the house, roll it up,

smoke it, dude. What are you doing with that bong over there? What are you doing with that? Smoking dope out of it. Why? Huh? What's it do for you? What is that?

This? What is that? What about that, bro? That is black tar. That's not black. You accuse me of having that black? What's that? Rick Simpson oil, bro? That is black tar. It's not black. You accuse me of having that black? What's that? Rick Simpson oil, bro.

What's Rick Simpson oil? It's a full spectrum. It's like an alcohol extraction. What the hell is that? Put a little alcohol CBD, bro. Get out of my face. Maybe that's what you're smelling. All the junk you got down here.

This could be the smell. No, you might be totally right. Because I had this lid open. I bet it smells like alcohol. It, you might be totally right. Because I had this lid open. I bet it smells like alcohol. It does. It's an alcohol extraction. I had this lid open all night. Could that be the culprit?

Matt, I don't like what we're doing here. That just smells like weed. You don't smell alcohol in that? Yeah, I do, actually. At the end. That just smells like weed and alcohol. I'm going to keep this away from you. Yeah, you better hoard it.

It's weed. With a little bit of alcohol. What else is in there? That could be how I tricked you to get really high. What's in there, Matt? It's literally, that's just an hour. What do you do with that? You boil off the rest of the alcohol,

and then it's just weed. I'll let you know when I boil the alcohol off so you can hover over it. Matt, what you've done tonight we were supposed to wrap wrap this up we were supposed to end this and then you come down here and say did you just sweat out a bunch of booze on my fucking couch dude so now it's 50 50 it's either you or the fact that the lid was off that alcohol has been evaporating right there i think it's 33 33 33 well so that's that's you're a fucking dumb dope smoker.

You had a bad idea because you came up with a made-up disease that you have from being high on dope. You think it's just some of my bong-brained antics? Did you do any dope today? No, dude. I'm telling you, I didn't do any dope today. Did you do anything? I'm just tired.

Did you do any mushrooms? Did you do any mushrooms? No psychedelics. When's the last time you did a psychedelic? Not since I rode the fucking couch, bro. You haven't done anything in a week? I'm telling you, I have a whole new program. I just get super sconed once a week.

I tell everyone, look, for three years. Yeah, I black out once a week. Same program. Yeah, but dude, I come to that day in a fantastic mood and take a normal dump. You don't think I'm in a pretty good mood while I'm drinking? Not when you wake back up. Not when you rise over a slumber. You're addicted to dope.

You're a fucking, dude, you're a fucking drinker, dude. Addicted to caffeine, addicted to coffee, addicted to fucking alcohol, addicted to nicotine. I am addicted to nicotine. You do a lot of drugs.

I do, yeah. You do like soldier drugs. Pretty tight. Pretty tight, dude. I'm doing draft dodger drugs, dude. True. Fuck yeah. True.

Well, I was in the service, so. True. I should, yeah, I shouldn't even. I mean, come on. You know I got problems. Try to drink away these demons. My bad, dude. Having to do push-ups.

My bad. Excuse me. My bad. Excuse me. My bad. You know what? I wasn't wearing my camouflage fucking Under Armour, dude. I wasn't wearing DigiCam. You've been fidgeting with that button this whole time? Something's up, dude.

What's going on over there? Nothing. I'm chilling. You're fidgeting. You need your fix. It's been a week. I made a mistake of when you went upstairs I read the I read

a reddit comment that was saying I was a fucking pussy what god damn it who called you a pussy somebody was complaining that Tim Dillon had taken down

me and his episode but it was just because there was like a blue chew ad read yeah but then the comments were he's a fucking bitch dude he's been a pussy lately

you're not getting the SNL job get over it dude you don't dude. He's been a pussy lately. You're not getting the SNL job. Get over it, dude. You don't have to keep fucking being a pussy. Like, Jesus Christ, man. What the fuck, man? What is going on? What if people were trying to bully you into like, just being like, all right, guys, my bad.

What do you want me to do now? Yeah. It's like, what the fuck? Yeah, both sides. I get bullied. It's nice. That's funny. That's what the Twin Peaks thing was about, how the fans ruined the show.

How do you feel about the fans ruining this show? We might have to do season three, dude. We might have to do Twin Peaks 3. The whole show of Twin Peaks 3 was literally to show, it was a big fuck you to the fans for being like, this is the show you wanted and this is the show you got, you fucking babies. It sucks. And we made it suck on purpose.

How do you like that? Well, the thing is, is most of our fucking listeners are sick. Cool as fuck. They're awesome. Most are cool as fuck. Just get off the Reddit because it's not good reading. I don't really read it much, man. Well, they love you.

Sometimes. They turn on me hard. They turn on me every day. Yeah, they'll be mean to you every once in a while. Someone is like, I just don't get it. Matt's a fucking idiot. It's like, all right, man. Thanks.

But yeah, these comments were like, Tim Dillon and Shane Gillis are both fucking spineless pussies. They get upset when Legion of Skanks says the N-word. First off, bro, I don't get upset. I just know, well, it's funny to make fun of Lewis for saying it. Yeah, for sure. If he'll say it, I'll be like, dude, don't say that. You shouldn't be saying that.

lewis for saying it yeah for sure i'll say it i'll be like dude don't say that you shouldn't you shouldn't be saying that i mean it's just funny to sit see like have someone outside of like the walmart table just like eat on break just like what the fuck what shane didn't say it slur again he's sold out he's a fucking bitch god damn go back in it dude i had a fucking lyft driver today fucking eagles hat hat Eagles hoodie He's had a rough time Dude he's fucking He fucking He might have been In my living room

Dude I got fucking I hopped in the thing I was like god damn And he was like You watch that game last night I didn't have anything To be like nah I was like

I saw the last Like five minutes of it Yeah He's like you watch that game And I was like Yeah I saw I saw it towards the end He was like god

It's fucking atrocious And I'm like Dude can you just Fucking let it go? They are bad, though. I was sitting there with my uncle, basically what I do, spitting out one of your takes for sports. I'll just hear what someone says, and I'll be like, you know what? I was like, Wentz is good.

To my uncle. I was like, Wentz is good. He can zing that fucking ball. I was like, it's a line. That's a problem. My uncle's like, yeah, the line is shitty. Then he starts talking. Dude, literally, wentz throws that fourth quarter interception he's like whoa what once isn't any better once it's good huh i was like dude fuck you dude wentz is good he is i

know this is good he's gonna go to zero wide receivers right now zero weapons he has no running backs zero weapons dude whatever That's just bird talk. We're talking birds. Talking birds. I was listening to it. Wentz has zero weapons, dude. Yeah, that's all you got to say to your uncle. They never go deep.

Tell me about this bracelet. Oh, dude, my fucking... That's a dope bracelet. You think it's a dope bracelet? You smoking off dope, that's like getting a black belt. It's a gift, dude. You get a beaded bracelet. It's a gift.

The judge within you is so strong. I'm disappointed in you for wearing beaded bracelets. We're going to do a little internal family systems. We're going to do a little family systems on beaded bracelets. This is a gift from a friend. Matt? She thought of me, bought it for me. She? Yeah. Who? Yeah, it's Brittany's friend. Slash my friend,

dude. She went to Nigeria, bought me a bracelet, and I'm wearing it. What is it? She went to Nigeria, dude. It's an African i'm wearing it what is it she went to nigeria dude this fucking it's an african bracelet yeah well i mean i think it's made in china but yeah probably they they kind of took over nice thing they bought it for me and i like it oh it's nice let me see it get into it dude why are you afraid to let me see it i feel like you're gonna do something bad and fucking snapping what are all these symbols i would never break your uh culturally appropriating bracelet what's it say my i don't know dude it's the fucking it's some sort of like ancient runes dude

i support your bracelet dude you better i love you better support but don't even look at my i love your brace don't even look at my brace sorry i support cancer survivors all right hey i like you see and that's what it is. Projection at its finest. My bracelet's good. I didn't ever say it was. You looked at it like... Shane, I never said it was.

Okay, people listening... You held your bracelet in my face. No, I didn't. No, I didn't. Matt, you're on dope and you misremembered. I'm telling you how this went down. I went to a mindfulness retreat all day Saturday. It was mindfulness

slash internal family systems it was fucking sick nice awesome so much fun I loved it I did there was a dude there

fuck this guy was so fucking cock dude first of all rolls into the mind you know there's always somebody at a thing that has to be like obviously to show you

like without saying like I've been here before yeah so I like look this this guy we're sitting there a guy has his shoes off and i'm like damn what a beast dude took his shoes off in a public meeting at the mindfulness because it's mindfulness so you want that's very i'm not mindful no you want to have you being your socks you want to be show everyone like yo bro i'm like i know you guys are here but like i do this shit for real yeah it's like when people take do like see people at the gym in their bare feet when they deadlift? I don't know. I'm going to get my bare feet and, like,

it was, like, one of those real sick flexes. So I go up there. I'm seeing them. I was kind of, like, we were doing this stuff. Like, dude, it's pretty crazy, man. It's, like, so you sit there and you imagine all of the internal parts of yourself that have arisen because of, like like stuff that's happened to you. So like your old parts of yourself, there's like I think that's called like the judge.

There's like the judger aspects. There's the there's like a zillion aspects of your personality that pop up and you're supposed to like close your eyes and imagine a big dining room table and all of this and invite all of the parts of yourself to this thing. Our eyes are closed. It's so fucking sick. And then they're like, where did... Oh, fuck, I can't remember. Is there a part of you that's afraid of things? There's a part of you that's kind of like...

Exactly. There's a part of you that's like, let's go, let's go, guys. Let's keep staying busy, guys. Come on. I'm missing that guy. You have all these fucking... That guy got his ass beat at the dinner table for being like, you know what? We should do something.

Fuck you, dude. Beat the shit out of him. All right, now that guy's gone. Dude. We can focus on business. We were sitting there and your eyes are closed. You have the dinner table, all these parts. So there's all these parts of you.

And then there's your true self, which is supposed to be transcendent to all the parts. And the idea is the parts have been running the show if you've been like dealing with a bunch of shit you're like navigating your life through these weird like sub personalities that take over and like that's like the uh that's what comes that's what drives people to act in these like real weird kind of like driving or like you know scared kind of ways and you're supposed to imagine yourself like hugging your younger self and being like it's okay bud you can relax you don't have to be afraid and dude half the room like we like opened our eyes most people are fucking crying the dude's just chilling in his socks totally unperturbed dude is sitting there just like did you cry yeah i did actually i knew you cried

first one i was first one to open my mouth no one would talk That was another thing No one would like Well what happened For everybody And no one would talk Dude fucking You cried at a wellness meeting Yeah everybody did dude You're sitting there

With you and a lot of Pregnant women Of course they're crying A lot of geezers They're staring down The barrel of death I know dude I'm sure they got a little sad

Hell yeah it was sick What are you crying about You gotta be a man I was thinking about Hugging my fucking Little boy self dude I just made me It just fucking teared me up dude What are you gonna do It sickens got to be a man. I was thinking about hugging my fucking little boy self, dude. It just fucking teared me up, dude.

What are you going to do? It sickens me. Dude, that's just the judge, dude. The judge is at center. You need it for yourself to be like, hey, judge, how about you take a seat, bud? I got this from here on out. The judge is tired, bro. Let him take a seat.

Let the judge take a seat, bro. The judge is ruling. The judge is tired. The judge is in the house, baby. You better all rise here he comes dude you gotta invite him to the dinner table dude if i would have been there if i would have been in there i think i just am the judge yeah there's anybody any of my other personality traits are anywhere the judge is at the head of the table that's and if i saw you crying in your your little meetings

just a tear bro just one single tear dude i was like damn that's so touching And if I saw you crying in your little meetings. Just a tear, bro. Just one single tear. Just shed a tear, dude. I was like, damn, that's so touching. And then I'm like, damn, I'm the only one crying. I'm such a bitch. I opened my, everybody in there was just like.

Really? Dude, it was, we were doing like a half an hour mindfulness thing. So you're like. No, I cry super easily. Your eyes closed. I would have cried before they even brought it up. I literally, the thing I was imagining, it was like this weird guided meditation kind of thing and the thing i went down was being a little kid and being constantly afraid of the dark when i was little it's like waking up in the middle of night

and that's like that becomes a sub personality of a little kid who's like no no don't do this if you have like a part of you that's real scared that you're supposed to take your whole self and be like hey bud how about you sit down and relax i got this and it was imagining hugging like a little kid and it was just like jesus christ really it was sweet yeah if you it's not getting me if you close your eyes all right go if you know if you were to go to if you were sitting there say i mean you probably do all your thinking on the turnpike if you were on the turnpike and you start closing your eyes think about hugging little shane dude a time when maybe your sisters did something really mean to you you're upset you really think about yourself as a little kid being troubled and in your mind hug that little kid it'll get you crying dude no i would just turn up drake louder

just be like yes dude i am the man dude well it was funny because i went to this dude. No, I just hit a hard Philly to New York cry. When? Last week. On the way up? Yeah. That's what's up. That's how you do it, dude. That was the first time in...

Ever, really? Long time. Damn, it feels good. It was a rough couple weeks. Yeah, man. Yeah. Any music you're listening to or is it silence? No, I was hitting sad music. What were you listening to or is it silence uh no i was hitting

sad music but we listen to that don't worry about it i don't worry about see you're trying to judge me matt i might you want me to say a funny song so that you can make fun of it you're you're a projective identification there's no balance i know exactly how someone like you operates i've been around dope fiends my whole life Your projections are astounding I have I've encountered many dope fiends I know how they act You grew up around dope fiends? Both my parents were potheads

Both my parents did we But dude so then I'll be in this whole space where I've been trying to Not be kind of weird So I see this guy he's his socks off Usually I'd be kind of like I'm like dude this whole space where i've been trying to like not be kind of weird so like i see this guy he's his socks off usually i'd be kind of like fucking guy i'm like dude this guy kind of rules his socks are off he's just fucking being like cock in a good way totally cock i'm like damn this is what's up i've been in a big thing when i'm in crowds i just imagine literally being every

person i see so if anyone does anything i'm just like that's what's up and i watch it i'm like hilarious and they ask annoying questions like yeah i probably would ask an annoying question if they're like say something really smart i'm like that's so sick that guy's that fucking smart i just get into i've been getting into everything but the except for fucking pedophiles i'll fuck them up the dude uh so then this dude so i like alan break i see this guy in a book and i was like i kind of know that book's about it's like literally in my head don't ask the fuck don't be a weirdo and ask i was like you know what i'm gonna ask this guy i was like what's that uh what that book's about. I was like, literally in my head, don't ask. Fuck, don't be a weirdo and ask. And I was like, you know what? I'm going to ask this guy. I was like, yo, what's that book about?

And he just goes like this. Looks at me, looks at the book, hands me the book, and like goes back to what he was doing. Damn. I was like, Steve, in my head, I'm like, this guy fucking rules, dude. It's like, dude, this guy is the fucking man. So we go on break later for lunch. I come back. He says a dog in the bathroom.

I'm like, bro, where's your dog been? I kept bothering this guy. I was like, dude, you're the the man i kept having to talk to him he was so fucking funny i'm like he had a dog in the bathroom he had a dog in the bathroom i'm like bro and he you know this has been 9 30 a.m till one o'clock now and there was a dog in the bathroom he was with his dog with the shoes off so i asked him i go bro where's your dog been he was like like first of all he's so bothered the fact that i'm called to to talk to him, he goes, in my car. I was just like,

okay. I was like, nice dog, man. He was just like, okay. I was like, dude, this guy fucking rules.

That guy sucks. And he brought the dog in for the rest of the time and just like brought his dog into the thing and chilled. This guy sucks. And he fucking rules. You should have beat his ass at the mindful fucking meeting.

No, dude, I was in the middle of the mind. I fucking next time they say close your eyes just sucker punch that dude that is the best thing that happens the whole time this guy's just totally like totally impervious to you know i'm asking him questions talking about his dog he's like you go the fuck away from me then towards the end of the day we ate lunch there's a bunch of geezers in there we do the last mindfulness thing and you you hear all of a sudden everyone's eyes are closed, and you hear, I look up. It's just the fucking cock going, looking up, laughing to nobody but himself, being like, closes his eyes.

I'm like, dude, you fucking rule. All right, that guy does kind of rule. Holding dog with one hand, no shoes on, dog. I'm like, this dude is just doing whatever the fuck he wants. Wow. What was it like staring into the future? I was loving it. That's what I'm saying. That's nice. Except I'd be way more welcoming

and I probably wouldn't leave my dog in the car in a freezing fucking... You sure? For sure, dude. You've had some anger issues and I've seen the way you handle canines. What are you talking about? I've seen you grip up. Well, you probably don't remember. I think you're blacked out on dope. I get high and beat my dogs. You get high and get mad, dude.

Mad McCusker. True. Dude, I've had my fair share. get high, you get mad, dude. Mad McCusker. True. Dude, I've had my fair share. Yeah, but you work through your issues. That's good. I've been working them, dude. Have you gotten wild lately? No, I've been chilling, dude.

Easy. I've gotten angry, don't get me wrong. I've gotten fucking pissed. I just sit there and just go like... The mindfulness thing actually helped a lot. I'm sure. I'm sure it was nice. It helped big time.

I was in the car furious yesterday about what my bae was just fucking remixing reality she was fucking spinderella of reality around me just be like i didn't say that no no what i said was and just do when they do an explanation of like no no i hear what you're saying but when i was trying to say and you're just like that makes no fucking sense you didn't do that yeah but yeah i was just sitting there i was just close my eyes and i'm like i'm just tired babe just tired let me sit here for a second close my eyes and just relaxed that the the changing an argument like that my fucking roommate did that and because

he he argues like that like a lady he's got he's got major dog brain when it comes to arguments. Brutal, dude. He was like, I don't know. We were talking about people from Boston, comics from Boston, think that Boston comics are like they don't move to New York because it's so good up there. They don't even have to move. It's like, what, you just do local shows in Boston? And they're just the best? And they're the best.

They're so good. There's murderers up there. You would never, you good. He's like, there's murderers up there. You would never, you know, and it's like, yeah, I'm sure there's, I know there's really good comics up there,

but he was talking something about, I don't know. He named this female comic and he was like, she would, she would bury you on every show. Wow. And I was like, you're hype.

So I'm, I'm in first off, it was totally unprovoked. Like I was just literally just sitting there. Yeah. And he, I was like, no, she wouldn't. Like, no, she wouldn't. Yeah.

On every show. Yeah, she would bury me. You think she would bury me on every show? Where, should she be famous right now? Yeah, I was like, there's, it's like I. They'd be remaking Ghostbusters again right now. Yeah. She could be the star.

I was like, I do shows with the best comics in New York, and I don't get buried every show. But there's this sleeper. There's a sleeper babe in New York who no one's like, oh, can I please make a ton of money off you right now? And so then we're arguing about it because he just wouldn't. I was like, what are you fucking talking about, dude? No way.

Oh, my God. And then. That's so funny. Because I was like went i've gone on the road with like jay big jay is a monster in rooms yeah and there's been times where he hasn't buried me sure like yeah so it's not gonna be every time with this lady and then tommy came in and was like what the fuck are you guys arguing about and steve was instantly like shane thinks a woman could never bury him and i I was just like, you little pussy.

That is not the argument. That is not the argument. Was Tommy a fair ump? What do you say? No, he was a fucking, who gives a fuck, man? Dude, I love that's his fucking take. Dude, who gives a fuck? Yeah, yeah.

I mean, that was, in that case, very good point. Yeah. But it's so funny to have someone just switch an argument on you, mid-argument what are you guys fighting about be like he said he would never get buried by a female comic i was like bro you know that's not what i said and the argument was that this lady yeah that no one's ever heard of would bury me every single time you're out of your element exactly he flipped he literally flipped the whole argument yeah that's a whole argument for a whole other day yeah i mean you're like well no that's true also but He literally flipped the whole argument. Yeah. That's a whole argument for a whole other day. Yeah. I mean, you're like, well, no, that's true also, but...

There's some killers out there. There are? There's some killers out there, dude. Of course. They just bury... I've seen it. I've seen it. They bury you, dude. They get me every once in a while.

No, every fucking show, dude. 100% burying is strong. That's a strong argument. Yeah. 100% burying is strong. That's a strong argument. Yeah. 100% burying of anybody is a strong argument. I just love two dudes fighting and another guy being like, who gives a fuck? And everyone's like, I guess we can end this now. Yep.

Well, also, I was like, that's what I said. But I'm not going to let somebody say something ridiculous. Yeah. Especially in your house. And just sit there. Yeah. In your house? I'm just sitting here.

I'm just trying to play a video game bro You should start encroaching Into his bedroom a little bit Yeah And like kind of putting Some of your stuff in there And being like what's up What's up baby What's good dude

What's good What's good Damn Matt I gotta go I gotta drive Alright get the fuck out of here Before I go What you got baby

Do you got anything to plug bro No man You got any programs for the dogs That they should be working on I got some We got some stuff It's Thanksgiving We got some stuff in the works dude i got some serious stuff this is a big this is a big week for a lot of the dogs you got to go back and confront well you know what i'm working on right now is just be i think you're pretty good with this just being friends with my

parents and just fucking yeah just be dude when you get in that family you just got to be the fucking the thing you're missing from the family. You got to be that, dude. Exactly. It is. It is, dude. You got to go into that family and right those wrongs, baby. That's all I'm talking about. You can see me getting buried November 30th, this fucking Saturday at Laugh It Up Poughkeepsie.

Fun time. I'm bringing the turd. The turd's coming? The turd's coming. You're going to hitch up the trailer and bring the turd? I'm trying to bring the turd to every show. The turd was just out in Indy.

That's what's up. Did you, oh, dude, I got to show you this picture. I saw some pics. The picture of him standing in the middle of the,

No. I saw him on the stage. At Helium, every once in a while, they'll take a picture with like the staff and the headliner and all the comedians

that performed. Oh, okay. And they took this one in Indianapolis and it is, it's probably my favorite turd. in the headliner and all the comedians have performed okay and they took this one in indianapolis and it is it's probably my favorite turd it's most it's peak turd you've got a lot of good turd photography and videos dude peak turd dude whoa he's front and center he was the middle he

was the middle act he's standing in the middle. Like, what is that? Where are you? I'm not in there. That's in Indianapolis. He was out there with Santino. Oh, so the turd got out there and sucked up the limelight. You didn't even know Santino was in that picture.

Where is Santino? The headliner's in the back over his right shoulder. Oh, my God, dude. The headliner's just in the back. O'Connor's front and center dude i love that oh man that made me laugh so much when i saw that oh it's so tight just vintage turd dude that's great follow a chris o'connor on instagram please um oh yeah this friday little secret little secret for the dogs to know about uh So there's the Creeps with Kids tour.

You ever hear about it? It's like Bobby Kelly, Voss, Florentine, and Bennington. They're going to be in Harrisburg on Friday. So I'm going to drop in. Might the kid pop in? I'm going to drop in and do some stand-up at the Whitaker Center. If you're from central PA, that's big. That's big.

That's where it's half a science building for field trips. That's what's up, dude. It's going to be tight. It's a big moment. Dude, you know, it's half a science building for field trips. That's what's up, dude. It's going to be tight. It's a big moment. Dude, that's going to be, you're going to go in there, you're going to go in there and fucking smash. Yeah, it should. I hope so.

You will. That's my fucking. Bro, you're going to go in there and smash. 13th and 14th, Worcester, Massachusetts. You should do the Bernie Mac. Do you go in there and smash? Oh, I ain't scared of you motherfuckers. They're like, what?

Why would you be mean? Why do you have Africa on your jeans? December 20th and 21st, good nights. Raleigh, North Carolina. The Turd will be there. Beezer will be there. And then 26th, 27th, 28th of December, McGuby's Joke House.

I think the Turd and Beezer will be with me there, too. Beezer's on thin me there, too. God. Beezer's on thin ice after he showed his ass last night. Really? He might not be making some of these gigs after that. You think he went a little too hard? Yeah. But that happens.

That happens. I mean, who am I to, come on. He went too hard to paint? Who am I to judge? That's so funny. Who am I to judge? But yes. That's so funny.

It's, you know, it's annoying when I funny. It's taught with, and you know, it's annoying when I talk shop about comedy. No, but like it, dude, you know how it is when you go like in, in a new scene. Like if you're in outside comic going into a different city and hanging out

with like an open mic scene, they're looking to hate you for sure. They want to hate you for sure. Everybody's nice. Everybody's nice. Well. They yeah, but These are just came in him and Shayna were just fucked up Just like you stay Dickheads to other people I was like damn, bro tell the people being you fucking stink well

Yeah, I mean he was judging a roast battle. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, so but yeah, but he got hammered a roast battle. Oh, was he really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, but, yeah. But he got hammered. He was hammered just talking shit. Everyone's like,

what? Why are you saying it like that? Yeah, it was funny. Oh, my God. They gotta stop those roast battles, dude. That's not fucking, that's good,

that's bad energy, dude. Uh, yeah. Yeah. Put him up there and be like, fuck you, you're fucking fat. It's like,

getting a fat chick up there and everyone calling her fat. It's kind of mean. Yeah. I don't know. Not my thing. But yeah, the turd and beezer should be with me at all those. So that'll be fun. That's what's up.

Getting the turd out on the road. Oh, yeah, dude. Yeah, yeah. Showcase the turd. Getting the turd out on the road is great. Dude, it's got to be the best. It's fun. It's really fun.

The turd is an ample road dog, dude. He's a road terrier, dude. The turd's on the road is great. It's got to be the best. It's fun. It's really fun. The turd is an ample road dog, dude. He's a road terrier, dude. The turd is the ultimate road terrier. He's a loyal terrier. For sure. If you're fucking sad or something, he'll lay at your feet. Dude, he's fucking great. I love O'Connor.

Yeah. Him and the beezer will be a fun match. Get them both out there. Get fucked up. Two demons on the road. Yeah. God damn. But yeah, other than that, please take time to really on the road. Yeah. God damn. But yeah,

other than that, please, you know, take time to really be thankful for your family. For sure. What are you thankful for, Matt? More than anything?

Pot. Pot's sick, yeah. For sure. You thankful for dope? Thankful for dope. Alright. Thankful for my little baby girl coming.

Wow. I'm excited for that. So I can show her dope and all her friends. You better stop doing dope when the kid gets here. I'm telling you that right now. Dude, it's... I'm telling you. Matt, I'm excited for that. So I can show her dope and all her friends. You better stop doing dope when the kid gets here. I'm telling you that right now. Dude, it's,

I'm telling you. Matt, I'm going to ask you one thing. No. Once a week is too much. If you, if you do that, if you hit the couch,

eat a Keefie crawler, I'll die. And take down two volcano bags. I'll take ecstasy and lay on the couch. That's fine. Can I do that instead of a week?

And one volcano bag. No volcano bag. Yeah, hell yeah. You can do ecstasy and lay on my couch whenever you want. All right, sick. Hell yeah. Yo, I'm thankful for you, dude.

I'm thankful for you for sure, bro. Don't even do it. Don't even mention it. All right. Happy Thanksgiving. You too, bro. All right. Later.