Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Incredible Acts Of Bravery

Episode Date: March 3, 2020

One new daddy and a powerful uncle sit and break bread after a miraculous birth.   Topix include: The life and death world of baes, Sudan, boner pills, comedy journalism, and very very much more. 

yo what's fucking up dude what up what's happening man wow dude yeah it's not much dude i can't believe you're doing an episode why it's no days off dude it's dude i said a kid yes that's why my voice is so deep right now you had a kid yeah yesterday yeah bro yeah dude let's fucking go let's fucking go yesterday yeah man insane it was the most ridiculous thing in the world it's terrifying it's yeah did i give you the whole saga you didn't tell me anything jesus christ bro it was so it was emergency c-section well no no excuse me excuse me i lied it wasn't emergency emergency c-sections like on the spot and go yeah yeah yeah it was you know let's do it we're you know every we had like a plan going all of a sudden like between contractions a heart rate heart rate would dip

so we were like what the fuck no one knew what was going on so like let's see what's got what's happening and then uh i ran home to like let my dogs out real quick and then i had well i had to let the dogs out bro because we were chilling for like a day we had been there for like a day yeah so they're like all all right, we're cool. Go do your thing. Come back. We have plenty of time. And then the lady came back.

I don't know what. There was some kind of, the heart rate kept just kind of dipping. So the lady called me like, hey, this is the plan we have. We're going to move forward with the C-section. Turns out the umbilical cord was around her neck three times. Oh, my God. We had no idea. And if Brittany hadn't gone as early as she did because britney just woke up one morning and was like

she had thought like her water broke and it didn't so she was just kind of like she's i think she was anxious to get in there yeah thank god she did because they were like i don't know there's some weird thing going on with her heart rate that's why they kept us otherwise they would have told us to go home so since they kept us they were able to monitor that whole time be like something because her her vitals were all like perfect the whole entire time so then since she was there they were like something's weird yeah and they're like we don't know what it is because like she seems fine but once they would do the stuff to like trigger the um the contractions the heart rate would start to drop and they were like dude

we don't know what the fuck this is weird so then eventually once so dude so that that was just the drama leading into it which is like terrifying enough it's very scary dude you go into the fucking c-section room and it's like first of all they don't like they put you all i was in scrubs i'm fucking i'm mixed teamy dude i'm fucking all i'm full mixed team dude i have the boots on the things and then you're like all right we're gonna bring her back you gotta wait 20 minutes they probably didn't know they're dealing with somebody who's basically a doctor exactly you're like guys i'm more versed in like eastern medicine but i can handle this yeah meaning i sat outside almost cried i was like you should have offered some cbd i should have been like guys how many how many miller how many

milligrams of cbd anyone here microdosing i need a doctor that's on mushrooms no these are not doctors i need more of a fourth dimensional doctor right now no i wanted a third dimensional band i'll tell you what when when it comes down to it you abandon those beliefs real quick i would have killed a lady with dreadlocks dude i would have killed a white lady with dreadlocks to have this thing go well yeah for sure dude i'm like so i'm sitting there like you come back in 20 minutes so i'm like i'm sitting in my fucking scrubs i'm i'm like i'm such a fucking loser dude i'm just sitting there because i'm why just i'm so nervous because i like i tried to like get into like i came back and i was like so i tried to have like

doctor talk with these people. They're having like the team of people came in and started doing stuff. And the only question I was trying to ask, I was like, well, like how, when you say you're going to schedule us to be next, how long does that, how long is that? Cause in my head, I'm like, maybe if you just like stop giving the oxytocin stuff, things will kind of correct and go back. So I was trying to basically ask the question, like, do we have like have like four hours and if so can we just wait and see what happens and the lady was just literally looked at me and she's like i'm sorry do you have to be somewhere i was like what she's like i i don't it seems like you're in a rush i'm in a fucking rush honestly so i'm in like i'm pissed off at doctors i'm like these motherfuckers dude oh yeah dude that's a rough one i'm sorry

yeah well i was in there like what the fuck and then i asked britney she's like you sound you just weren't asking direct questions so like they're like they just take her away and i'm sorry yeah well i was sitting there like what the fuck and then i asked britney she's like you sound you just weren't asking direct questions so like they're like they just take her away and i'm sitting in scrubs like god i'm a fucking loser damn i was so scared i was gonna cry i was just sitting there just like so and then i'm like i need to go back there so i was like fuck so then finally they come out like all right come back and i'm like dude i go back there's just a team of like seven bays of just like seven, like tall doctor bays. It's all women in this OR thing, obviously. So they're just like female surgeons who are just sitting there just chatting about like this week. They're like, yeah,

I tried this wine. And you're like, you walk in just like, and you go on the other side of the curtain, your bay is just fucking crucified, dude. And you just sit back there and just look at her like you're cool you're fine and dude out of nowhere they keep being like yeah you're good you don't know what's going on and all of a sudden they just go here she is and dude you just see a human being pop out on the other side of like the partition i literally was like yeah like i was startled and then i was like fuck and then you had to go over there i cut the cord did all that stuff i saw the video you cut in the cord which is it was gross it was awesome that was tight that was pretty cool but dude then you were like ew like while you were cutting it

it's so funny yeah the one lady i was like well watch your finger i don't cut your finger nobody's fucking around at all yeah the one lady actually was fucking around watch your finger then while you're cutting you're like ew that's hilarious but yeah that was and dude I'm like describing that with words it was the most insane it was like the most surreal shit in the world of course it was weird and it's funny too because like whenever people are like oh man

it's just the best and it's like that's the only way you can describe it because there's like it has to be the best you can't be like meh traumatic wild experience it's fucking crazy because i was going to visit people who had kids and be like what's up guys hey what's going on just like kind of shoot the shit with them not realizing they just like all almost died holy fuck man yeah it's dude it was it's i woke up this morning and was still same thing the worst

ever of waking up being like that second of being like what's going on oh fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck it's crazy well they

they all almost just the mom and the kid the dad's chilling I could have died you were fine I could have died that's like the end of uh

a farewell to arms I never saw that Hemingway's book the mother and daughter die giving birth oh my god the guy just leaves the hospital and goes back to the hotel it's so funny it's just like well that goes through all right well see you guys he just goes home i guess i'll try again just go back to my life yeah dude that went through my head i'm like i wonder what would

happen because i left to get i knew it was like fucking nuts there's shit going on so i'm like i would just be dead i would that would be total fucking uh whatever that movie is the guy talks to a volleyball i was like i i was in my head being like i would just totally give up your life yeah you'd have to go home and strangle the dogs yeah i'd have to take us all out i thought if i literally was on the way home like i could see why people like i watched the pharmacist and he was like i really thought about like going home and killing my whole family like having a whole family commit suicide and i was like driving home being like, I can see that. Yeah, you got to get rid of it.

Yeah, just being like, you know what? Fuck this. It's a clean slate. Let's start over. Everybody, the whole group failed. We're done. Yeah, man. It's fucking.

Fuck, dude. That's levels of darkness that it's just like, holy fuck. It was cool. Everything. And then they came out. That was the whole reason for everything. The vocal cords wrapped around my neck, too. So I was like, that's swag But yeah, it was cool. Everything. And then they came out. Like, that was the whole reason for everything. Yeah. The vocal cords wrapped around my neck, too.

So I was like, that's swag. Oh, sick. She just dripped out, dude. Had chains on, dude. Yeah, bro. That's wild. She had that happen. It was crazy, dude.

It was the most insane thing. She's all right. Didn't fuck up, like, oxygen or anything. Yeah, she's chilling. Nice. She's chilling. So. Fuck.

Dude. I can't believe it. The crazy thing to me is taking no days off dude next day bro i'm back next day you're on the cast i'm on the cast your kid's not even a day old dude you're cast i'm casting right how can we not talk about family dude exactly the dogs were in the dogs were wondering what was they all had scrubs on we all had chat nation had scrubs on dude they didn't give me pants though they're like yeah we don't have pants for you what were you wearing like i was wearing luckily I was wearing blue sweatpants.

So I was like, oh, I got my pants on. Dude, three tall fucking probably college tennis player doctor ladies just looking at me being like, okay, so we'll be back there. And I was like, it's about to cry behind a surgical mask. That's very stressful, man. Dude, it was terrifying. It was absolutely terrifying but it was fun once uh because britney was still out when like the baby first like got stabilized and i just got to hold her and play with her for like an hour that was pretty tight that was pretty fun so she

got to wake up to yeah that's sweet to just a dude in a surgical mask being like hey hey look at this check this out look at this fucking kid damn yeah that was fucking nuts man so yeah and i'm still like no sleep bro i would stay up all night play 1914 crush people i see i see what's going on i mean the real loser in all this has been sweden pretty much sweden's gonna get fucking killed for this that lady was like oh do you have somewhere to be like okay like sit down in the office and be like fucking sweet and things i'm an idiot too i'm gonna invade russia for this yeah it was it was pretty funny man i mean it was definitely nuts but were there a lot of fights how are the no fights no we were pretty good going in i knew going into

the c-section has to be fights. I mean, that's why. She was salt, she was salt. I mean, dude, they don't, people don't want a C-section. That's, I don't. And again, the doctor asked me, I'm like, man, whatever. Fucking that way, that whatever. Yeah, I wonder what that's about.

I think some women take it as a failure. I, I don't know. I think they say like there's. I was on my, I was my mom's third, so. Third sex? Kid. Okay. So I was their first C-section, so I think she didn't give a fuck.

I think by the second one, people are like, it doesn't matter. It literally doesn't, dude. Just get this thing out. Well, because there's like, you know, there's more cheering and stuff. Like, oh my God, you're doing great. You're just like, it's cold, bro. You're on this table. You're freezing.

You're shivering. And you're just like, you don't get to see yourself. They don't let you look at yourself. Yeah, probably because it'd be fucking horrific you couldn't you'd pass the fuck out i couldn't look at one point i peeked over the curtain a tiny bit and i was just like chill bro i just sat back what'd you see did you look it was luckily it was it was kind of like their cut was below where the belly was so i didn't get to see but i got to see the fucking shit like the towels and shit on the way out. And I was like, damn.

Dude, that's the one thing, man. When your bae has a kid, it's like the two days of like, dude, you watch them get like an epidural. That's terrifying. They put a catheter into your spine. I was telling you about the dude. I still don't understand what it is or how it works. It's like a fuck. I don't understand it either, dude.

I thought it was just a big needle they hit in your back. But it's like they run like a little wire. Literally, the dude came down, Pittsburgh Steelers fucking skullcap. Looks like Scrappy Dew. He's like a jacked fucking wee man, dude. He was like a jacked wee. Yeah, he's a manly. Dude, he was like.

He's a Steelers manly. He was on another. I have a long torso as well. This dude had a long torso. I don't think I've ever seen a Steelers fan not in scrubs. Dude, if you go to Pittsburgh, it's a guaranteed Heinz Ward jersey with like Zubaz scrubs. Is every Steelers fan a nurse? I think so.

I think every man. Like, dude, it's insane. Yeah, dude. It was a jacked manlet. It just comes in at four in the morning just being like first kid awesome man he's like yeah i'm gonna and then like you they like fish this weird wire into your spinal cord and then run how i don't know if i can look back or from your back from your back she was lying on her stomach yeah yeah you're on your side and they just they fucking

again block you off they don't want you to see this and they just, they fucking, again, block you off. They don't want you to see this. And they just, they put lidocaine, numb your back out, and then just, like, run a fucking fishing line thing into your, I didn't get it at all. And then that connects to, like, a drip. And then they drip, and then your whole half your body goes numb. And then you get, like, itchy and shit. It's fucking, dude, they get fucked up, dude. You just watch your bay just get, get like just mauled for two days and you're just like this is horrendous and they do they just the weird the weirdest thing is they just soldier up they just totally soldier up and you're like i'd be complaining the whole time

like dude we're fighting about i left the rug down like i didn't put the bathroom rug back on the tub and i'm like so that fucks you up. But I just watched you get fucking fatality. And you're just like totally sold. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Be like, where's my kid breastfeed? And it's like, OK, that's weird.

But dude, yeah, you're just in total. You're in forever debt. Yeah. The forever debt's hilarious. You have no idea what your mom went through. And then you get like old enough to be like, shut the fuck up, mom. I didn't save the game yet i can't restart it now you bitch you can't do the dishes yeah but jesus christ i did the dishes two weeks ago yeah dude

it's like i mean it's like skydiving with a parachute that's like gonna work nowadays like i don't know it's scary as fuck dude it's terrifying yeah my friend uh actually it was spud spud's boy his wife got a c-section and when they cut into her he said the blood hit the ceiling it's so fucked dude what it's crazy ours was cool ours went as smooth as they could possibly go yeah but yeah man dude that's d-day for the bays dude that's That's gross. You can't look at them the same ever. You just look at them. The Bays have to have that happen, too. That sucks.

I mean, yeah. I mean, that's the weirdest part. It's a pending, torturous day that's just going to happen in your life. And it's, like, supposed to be the best thing. The weird part is, this is the whole, it's kind of the whole kit and caboodle. Because it's like, you know, you get a job, so you can eventually get a bay. You get a bay, so you can, you know, obviously get pussy. But it's like the idea is behind all of that to have a kid eventually if you want one.

I mean, the whole point of life is to have a kid. And it's weird. It's weirdly satisfying where it's kind of like, I don't know, it's very bizarre. What do you mean? Try to explain. It's like you, people are like, everything's going to change. And I kept being like, yeah, okay. I mean, I was like, obviously it will.

Yeah. But I was like, when you hear... Matt, I think rumpus time is over. Oh, no, no, no. Rumpus time has to be better organized. That might have just been the end of the beginning of rumpus time. That's what I'm saying, dude. Now rumpus time has just begun.

Now I can fool you, rumpus. Now you can absolutely rumpus into the darkest realms of the universe exactly now you've accomplished all your earthly goals that's what i'm saying it's time to yes fully rumpus out fifth dimension well obviously the weirdest part it's weird because it feels like i felt like kind of grounded in what i was doing and then you have like as soon as you have a kid you're like oh dude i was just i was floating around yeah you're free agent status and you have a kid you're fucking mommy dolphins. You're on a squad now. You're like, oh fuck I have to do x y&z. It's weird. Is it sounds so dumb? No, it makes perfect sense. But yeah, dude It's like like literally I woke up this morning

I was like fuck and you just kind of snapped to it You're like what the fuck is going on gotta do the podcast gotta get home to the cat It's so funny explaining to her dude like your family I'm like, they're all her mom came like, you know, go do going on gotta do the podcast gotta get home do the cat it's so funny explaining to her dude like your family i'm like they're all her mom came like you know go do what you gotta do i'm here but i was like brit i have to do the podcast she's like you're not going to school you took off school and you took off your internship and i was just like yeah dude the cast i have to do the cast that's the mother business dude has to be done and this is so funny pleading with your bay and like if we like just got this like crush the shame probably has cool stories i think louis texted him but yeah it's so funny having to explain her but you don't understand it's very important

that patreon is doing pretty well there's a series of dollar donations that I could lose at any minute, and this kid will be fucked. Yeah, man. Dude, it was nice. It was awesome, dude. It's still tight. That's fucking wild. I'm on literally like, dude, I'm on like three hours sleep in two days.

I'm just on pure, just pushing, dude. I don't eat. That's the cool thing, too, because I'm listening to that book about Sudan. So I've been channeling the fucking. The Sudanese. Yeah, the Danka. Nice. Well, yeah. It's split. There muslims they have problems i know muslims right now it's a

split country yeah now it's south sudan english could have prevented the whole or english england could have prevented the whole fucking thing england got in there and kept the muzz at bay really they were like look now we're gonna put christianity down here we're gonna show you guys some cool shit and then the uh the muslims were like no you don't get we'll just say one thing you don't gotta split us in england's like sure bro i'm pretty sure we should split you guys up you guys kind of hate each other yeah like nah and then they the england is all right they left went to did like world war or whatever and then dude the muzzes came down dude the muzzes brought thunder well wasn't it was the uh the muzzes brought thunder well wasn't it was the uh the muzzes brought thunder but it wasn't even just the muzzes it was um

what you might call the leader of sudan used the muzzes to be like i mean i think he's muzzed but he hired like the arabians to be like yo you want that because they have there's just an oasis down there of just cattle grazing land and they're like like, they don't like the SPLA, the rebels. They're like, yo, go down there and just do whatever the fuck you want. You can keep the land. I just need to crush those rebels. Dude, you're talking like, so these dudes were like in the beginning of the book. It's so fucking funny because they're talking about a bicycle.

They're like, I had never seen such a shiny bike. They're like, they're having, there's like a whole town being like yeah do you keep the plastic on or do you take it off and they're like the one the guy who's like the town leader is like it would be very diligent to keep it on for protection dude it's like it's them just like talking elders love keeping the plastic on dude every geezer loves like if they have a cell phone the plastic is still on the cover dude that's universal geezers love the plastic he was a very wise man yeah and he has doing it so so they're talking about like us seeing a mongoose for the first time and how they're just blown the fuck away yeah and then one day helicopters come out they've never seen a helicopter before in their life helicopters come out i still get excited to see helicopters

i see them every day and if i'm driving and there's a helicopter i'm staring at it dude they're in fucking huts and one day a helicopter comes from over the sky and just starts murdering everybody you've ever known the whole world around you it's people were like it's the apocalypse and then muslims on horses come in and to start just they steal your sisters tie them to your horse and just murder everyone they see with ak-47s and burn everyone alive in their houses and that was about the lost boys who just walk across the desert dude it's some of the lost boys made their way to the mechanics break dude you were telling me that yeah we had some loss i have such a drive to interact with the sudanese they're

danka bro yeah dude it's a good there's manu bowls danka yeah they're all tall as fuck too super tall yeah dude manu bowls danka yeah it's fucking sick there's a bowl in the nba right now really yeah do you know new bowl diverts like he diverted a ton of his money towards south south oh really dude he went back he's dude he was like taking them all in like helping them like get here and give them speeches dude it's so funny there's a we watched a video in our school at in high school about the lost boys coming to america yeah one of the funniest fucking videos it's the same thing about seeing the bike they saw a vacuum oh they right when they got off the first off they've never been on a plane yeah they get on this fucking plane fly straight to them they dropped off in like central pennsylvania they're like where the fuck are we and then

somebody shows them a vacuum in this living room and they all like they're screaming they're running then dude there was a clip where they were trying to teach him how to drive after like a week they've been in the country for like a week and someone was filming them trying to drive cars fucking hilarious dude it's the book is the funniest it's the same thing they didn't know the road like they didn't understand that the roads like it was just grand theft auto as far as like you can just drive on the grass there's no path it's just this thing moves so you move wherever you want they don't have time there's like not like a real sense of time over there just the days and nights they were talking about uh and all the lost boys like walked like does it talk about that in the book dude that's

the whole thing traveled like insane amount of terrain their boys would be eaten by they walked to fucking uh which we call it ethiopia yeah and they didn't first of all they're walking to ethiopia not knowing it existed, a lot of them. We're like, what is this Ethiopia? And he's like, foolish boy, do you not learn anything? Good Christians over there. Ethiopia's got some good Christians. They'll help you out.

So the Dankas are very good. Their names, they come over here. The one guy's name is like Vincenzo. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My name is Valentino. Yeah, there was a whole family of dudes that played basketball from Mechanicsburg that were all Sudanese. Dude, now all I want to do is hang with the Sudanese, dude. All they talk about is their ancestors.

I'll tell you the exact park in Mechanicsburg. We can go fucking chill. We have to go. They hang out. Dude, it's all ancestors. It's so fucking sick, dude. Now we got Somalis, though. That's what you told me.

They're close. No, They might be beefing. They're close. No, they might be beefing. Somali is Muslim. Oh, because I know they're close. That has to suck. They're close to Sudan. It's like you move to Mechanicsburg and you're like, all right, sick.

True. Then a major Muslim African population shows up. It's like, goddammit, dude, we have to fight these guys again. We have to meet them at Fisher Park and fight. That would be terrifying. Dude, the... That would be terrifying. That's so funny. The Honkies would have... They'd build a wall immediately.

One dust-up between the Sudanese and the Somalis in McEachinsburg. Guaranteed wall, dude. That's Trump 2020. That's a bunch of white people like, get him out of here. Yeah, that's... Well, you'd have a lot of white people supporting the Sudanese Christians. True. St. Joe's... Well, you'd have a lot of white people supporting the Sudanese Christians. True. St. Joe's Chargers would have their back.

I mean, dude, is there anything better for a white dude from the suburbs to be able to get in and be like, dude, those Muslims are attacking those Sudanese African guys. That's fucked up. I'm not having a problem with this. Nothing we love more than some good, like,

I can't believe the Muslims are doing this again. It's like, well, there's some Christian massacres as well. Wow. Yeah. Defending their land. Well, Bono supports the... Yeah, Bon yeah bono dude bono got in on it dude they're uh dar four and all that yeah manute bull they so like they brought manute bull back because manute bull was welcoming all these refugees and being like you know guys do this and he's speaking out against it so the leader of uh sudan told manute bull like yo we got a position for you we want to help you

we want you to like bring us all together we're gonna give you like minister of sports and fucking entertain some weird shit they came up with so my new bowl got down there they're like oh all you got to do is announce christianity and say uh you know you're a muslim and he was like what the fuck and he had to bribe his way out of the country because they're trying to kill him and then the leader of sudan the guys i think it's like al bashar i his name. He totally denies it all. He's like, we never, what?

I mean, yeah, some people left, but that's not something we would do. Some people, some people left obviously, but they're just dumb. Dude,

he fully, basically Holocaust denies. That's sick. He basically is like, nah, that's total lies. We didn't, we shot.

Nah, dude, what would you do? If you, if I attack my own genocide, I'd be like, pfft, crazy. True, if you do genocide, there's no way you're going to own up to genociding.

Yeah, look, you wouldn't understand. I was doing what was right. The world's not going to get it. Dude, they would be chilling in their village and some dude would come back with a missing hand. They're like, what happened to you? He's like, I was very hungry and I stole an apple. They're like, who would do such a thing?

Dude, it's so funny. You come back with your hand off and then they're like, you've got to live by Sharia law. And they're like, what the fuck that? No, dude. Shit fucking sucks. And they're like, well, it's pretty cool. And they're like, nah, dude.

It's not that cool. We're losing hands. Hands for apples. Shit fucking blows. But then they would fucking get, so the lost boys would be walking through the the desert you would have lost your hand over some like fun dip back in little league bro we got fucked i would have lost my my arms like hangman from like pillaging i would have lost my hands like this year from walmart

the self-checkout as soon as you leave a guillotine is fucking good oh are you excited speaking of the guillotine is fucking good oh are you excited speaking of the guillotine are you ready for that to come back with our socialist revolution oh when we support bernie dude are you excited for the socialist i can't oh i can't wait till we bring the guillotine back to you once bernie wins it's time to behead the rich eat the rich bro it's time for us to eat the rich until we get rich compost the rich and then yeah well it's always cool yeah it's always compost the people who happen to be richer than me and then because if you're like an upper middle class white liberal it's always yeah dude the fucking rich and it's like oh so people richer

than you and above you're pretty fucking wealthy yeah it's like well you know you have a pool yeah exactly yeah well yeah people are like I mean the fact that they took away the wealth tax is bullshit and they took away the estate tax or whatever it's like it stops

at 10 million it should be at like 5 million it's like how about 200,000 bro yeah we're not gonna go that way

come on 5 million yeah yeah it's motherfucking bullshit I'm excited for the socialist revolution me too

yeah that's where it goes. It has to go towards just death and killing the rich. We're bringing the guillotine back. Dude, that's a cool

thing to say right now. Of like, eat the rich, murder the, kill the rich, and it's like, that's cool. I'm down with it. Yeah, I'm down, but it's also the same time

they have to admit like, I would love for them all to be like, but if I were rich, I wouldn't feel that way. Yeah. There's that way. Yeah. There's no way. What do you think about it?

Except for Bloomberg. Bloomberg is the real deal. You like Bloomberg? Real deal. That's what we need. That's what we need. We need a good billionaire, dude. True.

Not for these evil billionaires. I'm sick of the evil ones. We need a good billionaire. Now we're talking. You know the stuff he does for black people on his commercials he shows every 10 seconds? No. Is he helping black people? Oh, dude.

Every commercial is a black dude being like, I don't my life is fucked up dude and bloomberg just bloomberg with a hard hat being like hugging black people being like yeah dude here's some jobs oh it's so fun there's so many different commercial people being like it's been hard for black today's super tuesday dude they're working hard to get rid of the burn i know they can't they all all the all the other moderate democrats dropped out and they all endorsed the all the other moderate democrats dropped out and they all endorsed uh biden biden's kind of crushing it too biden just won south carolina did he and he's dude he's the ultimate black friend bragger oh it's non-stop with that guy everybody he's like black people love me dude i love black people black people love me sorry

yeah he's riding that obama coattail he really is and it's like i i people love me, dude. I love black people. Black people love me. Sorry. Yeah, he's riding that Obama coattail thing. He really is. God. And it's like, I mean. He's got that Bill Clinton sauce with black people. I don't know what it is. He's just got it. I don't think he has it.

I think he talks about it. He does it, but, well, he's with Obama, so it's like. Yeah. We'll see. He's that one dude in the barbershop three. Yeah, dude. We'll see. Well, he, dude, he goes down to uh fuck man he was like

did you ever see a thing of him in wilmington where he's talking about we're talking to like the whole black crowd and he's like and i saw this guy and i saw popcorn willy they were they had i used to keep a chain wrapped around my knuckles and i thought we were gonna come to blows and i didn't want it yeah he's yeah that'll be i think he ends all of his speeches like you know what you blacks are all right there was one there was one from the debate there was one from the recent debate where he was just like well my time's up so he like he couldn't talk so he's just like i think my time's up anyway so we stopped and went like why the heck am i stopping must be that cath Catholic education of mine.

He's like, nobody else stops. God dang it. No, I won't either. He tried to recite Martin Luther King. No, I think it was Thomas Jefferson. He did the all men are created equal. He just forgot the speech midway through. You know the rest of it.

It's like, oh, shit. I told you that the like the reason he said he keeps fucking stuff up because he claimed stuttering problem he had an aneurysm he had a brain aneurysm in like 1988 really yeah first off he got it was before that he got kicked off uh he was running for president back then then he got caught plagiarizing speeches hilarious he did too yeah hilarious all great presidents get caught plagiarizing plagiarizing speeches that's why he had to stop running for president and then he had a brain in he probably tried to write a speech i was like god this is hard

he's like how can i write a speech without the n word in it damn it yeah he's uh he's the king of being like and I guess they all do this, but he's so funny when he just tells a sad story about a union guy who died. He's got a lot of sad stories. He's got a good sad story. And I'm like, God dang it. He's got some sad stories. I think his son died. Everybody he knows died.

Yeah. That's good. That's what you want. That's what you want. That's what you want in a leader. For politics, you want someone who you can go in and be like, look, I get it. My whole family's dead. All right?

Look, I know jobs are tough to come by right now. Did I mention my whole fucking family died? And I had a stutter when I was eight. That's his excuse for political gaffes. He's like, I'm a stutterer. So I just get nervous sometimes and say weird things about minorities. Yeah, I want the guillotine back, dude. I to come so you want bernie to win tear us up dude i was with booty gage booty gage dropped out and endorsed biden i mean dude they're they're all

everybody's endorsing sleepy it's basically an octopus of wall street versus but like they're like all right i'll step down you know i it's just they just run the numbers like yo you got a bernie kissed the ring like that before he yeah i thought dude they're gonna kill bernie they have to they're going to kill him if he's if he's gonna commit suicide and they're gonna i think you're gonna see a lot of dems kiss the ring dude of the trump dog uh yeah they're gonna have to you're gonna start you know what's gonna happen i would imagine is all these major like they're not going to try to keep Trump. I don't know if it's between Trump or Bernie.

They'll try to keep. They're going to probably try to keep Trump. Trump will play ball. You're going to see some like New York Times articles and like all these like major media outlets start to be like, actually, the economy is doing great under Trump. Like shit like that. 100% would. Dude, that's I didn't even think about that.

It's going to be a weird switch you'll see some like pro Trump articles start to come out and be like what the fuck yeah when BuzzFeed is like I know it's not 10 reasons Trump is Bay it's a good call yeah that's a good call Ivanka

Trump is a mood yeah they'll like pick somebody in his cabinet like Trump sucks but but these people he picked actually aren't bad. I know. I couldn't believe it either, and I almost throw up saying this. Yeah, dude. That's a good point. Yeah, the money could dictate.

Yeah, all that bullshit middle stuff hits the fan. Once it's Bernie versus Trump, it's like, what are we doing, guys? Socialists or fascists? Let's get some fascism fired up, dude. We need to give Trump more power. Yeah, 100%. I think that's the move.

We either go socialist, full communist revolution and start guillotining people, or we give Trump the ultimate power. I mean, can we just get a taste of a Trump dictatorship? It would be so fucking funny. I mean, it would be bad. It would be bad. But good good lord it would be funny for a little bit well none of it would make sense no no he would just he if he was a dictator he would just make all his shit rat he'd be like an african dictator there'd be like no rhyme or reason for

what he's doing he'd just have like 88 gold cadillacs for no reason well there's a reason for that but what's that 88 is a very significant number. Oh, I didn't mean 88. That just popped in there. You know, he had 88 gold Cadillacs, 23 advisors. Yeah, his shit would be pretty fucking nuts, dude. Yeah, but if we go communism. I could be down for that, a little revolution.

We've got to get you a beret. We could all starve. That'd be what's up. That'd be sick. I could lose some LBs, dude. I might come out of the communist revolution like fit. Honestly, dude, I think we're due for a nice little starve. Just a little.

Get a little hungry. I don't think we're going to starve. That's what I'm saying. We're going to be good on stuff. We'll be the first regime to just all lose 20 pounds under communism. Get jacked. Yeah, just to be like, we'll just all have normal BMI's. You know when they see the Holocaust picture?

We'll just be dudes who are just kind of shredded. It was horrible, dude. We all had these weird jobs. We all got paid the same. We're just all shredded. And then we got liberated by China. China's going to liberate us. who we now all work for yeah i'd be tight dude if it's fucking camps of dudes just all fucking yoked that's what i think it's coming to yeah just all of us fucking jack 5 body fat

yes damn grandpa you were fucking ripped yeah dude i dude. Are we going to support fucking Blue Chew? Yeah. Okay. Because I... Did you get that email today? No, I didn't see it. We got some... We got some advertisers.

Really? Yeah. The deal got dealt well? The deal is... Still, it's tough. Like, it's a tough, I say yes right away, and then they send me, like, a read, and I'm like, no. No, I'm not doing it. I'm back out.

I'm not doing it. Dude, I watched a documentary on the rise of younger people taking, like, excuse me. Excuse me. I just burped. I read about the rise of younger people taking, like, Viagra. Yeah. It was pretty, actually, I think I was watching it. Isn't it really bad for you?

It's got to be bad for you. Dude. So what can happen is – first of all, are you familiar with chem sex? Chem sex? Chem. Chem sex. Yeah. C-E-C-H-E-M sex, dude.

So that's a lot. So I watched like the little mini documentary. C-E-M sex. Yeah, I'm fucking totally blown out right now. Yeah. The, um, so I'm researching like,

you know, I was like, what does happen when people take this shit? So a lot of it, they were saying it's just performance anxiety. So like, it doesn't have like serious consequences, but if you're taking it like psychologically,

yeah, then it's like your ed now is just contingent upon having this pill, which is super fun. It's not even like placebo cause it definitely gets your dick hard as fuck contingent upon having this pill which is super fun it's not even like placebo because it definitely gets your dick hard as fuck but if you do it too much you can start if you have boners for too long the mexicans are right you only get a limited amount of boners so you're you i hate to say i hate to say it god damn it the mexicans are right yeah you got to have so like i think I think that science is when you take that,

you're using like 10 to 1, you're using 10 natural boners, I think. Well, it doesn't always happen. It does rule though. Imagine the power of 10 boners. For sure.

I'm going to be honest with you. I took a blue chew this weekend. I'm not hating on it. First time I've taken one in probably like eight months. Dude. Bro. It's wild.

Yeah. Think about the high is just being hard as fuck have you had one ever i'm scared dude i am gonna give you a blue jude take half just take half of one i'm scared of a fucking priya prism dude just take half of one are you familiar with the priya prisms i'm i'm familiar with rock hard dongs dude i hear you you want the hardest dong you've ever had yes dude it's so sick i know i know like it your dong is so hard but you can also not jerk off for like seven days and get oh yeah but then you have to not jerk off for seven days true and you can't do any kind you can't drink take a blue true and just be fucking i mean the idea of being able to get drunk get all

your gab game on and then talk shit like dude if like if i could get hammered and go out and then take a blue it's you're just like at that point you're just you're a lethal weapon dude that's like you are lethal that's a lethal weapon of just having like a weird sexual encounter charisma confidence followed by not being like well normally it works it is hilarious to like talk all that shit and then have your dick not work that's it that's so funny that's such a good thing for your body oh i agree to be able to be rock hard and blacked out is terrifying it's a real problem you're gonna fuck some weird things when people do a bunch of blow and their dick doesn't work to be able to dude so that's what

chem sex is and it's strictly in the gay community chem sex is when you take methamphetamine ghb and you just get you they have this weekend long drug orgies that just don't stop so then you got to pop a bluey so you pop some blueys and obviously they'll do a little bit of coke and other stuff but the main ingredients are ghb methamphetamine and like gbl some other weird rave drug and there's it's it's going, it's an epidemic. And like, well, people are, there's like. Where'd you get this info? From YouTube. So, but I know there's articles about it where they're saying like, it's like the.

Wait, gay dudes are taking drugs and having sex? Chem sex, bro. Chem sex. But dude, it's. You heard it here first. Yeah, but this is, this is like literally the idea. There's not like just like doing poppers and stuff. Sure. This is like, we're going to get spun out on meth

as hard as humanly possible, keep our boners for 48 hours, and just have, like, savage gay sex. Damn. Or, like, you clock out Monday, get dressed, and you're just hard till Monday. Or you clock out Friday, you're hard, just in, like, leather,

just sucking dicks and just fucking dude spun out on meth dude you're just hallucinating like seeing the devil and just fucking dudes it's gotta be nuts so that I wish everyone could see the intensity full eye contact with me just it's gotta be nuts dude I think you of like a fucking lair of just fucking. Why do you imagine gay dudes are with the devil and in a lair? Because it's called chem sex, dude. It could be fun.

It might be very nice and beautiful. Oh, dude, there's definitely chains. There's definitely leather. Stop kidding yourself. Look, I'm part of the socialist revolution, dude. Gay sex lairs are part of our thing. I'm not saying it's bad. I'm just saying, dude, that's. Gay sex layers are part of our thing. I'm not saying it's bad. I'm just saying, dude, that's...

The homosexuals are having gay sex layers. Well, it's killing them. It's like, dude, when you're spun out on meth and GHB, they're saying the fucking HIV rates are starting to go up again in Britain. Because, like, dude, you're spun out on meth and GHB? What the fuck won't you do? The condoms are off, bro. There's no bay settling this down, dude are this is like the full culmination this is fully rumpus time this is the end of rumpus time

this is how rumpus time finally ends when you hit like chem sex it's like yeah we've had like chem talks chem chills yeah what do you think we you know what if instead of mushrooms we just toss in some meth and ghb do we just get fully distant like disinhibited from our bodies and then fully sped up and then we pop bluey so we're just all hard as fuck just thinking of like however i mean it's first of all there's an infinite amount of dudes to get to like a chem sex party it's as many dudes who do chem sex are going to show up to every chem sex party so it's like it'd be if we you and i had the capability to just like have orgies whenever so it's like these things are probably like 80 deep dude this is full dancing bear this is just dancing bears dude there's no there's no fucking bays wooing in the background

this is when dancing bears take they leave the fucking bachelorette party yeah pop off the bear helmet meth up ghb up all weekend dude hard as fuck just in the loo dude i was thinking about this like this is fucking nuts yeah so that being on a meth binge and then having a rock hard dong for a week that's what they're saying mcafee was doing mcafee was apparently experimenting with these like methamphetamine kind of sex-based things like mpvd or whatever mac is it mcafee mcafee mcafee whatever it is i forget the antivirus guy who went down to belize and got chased out by the government he was having chem sex dude they had to get him out of there that's how much of a menace chem sex is dude he was having chem sex with like underage women a

bunch of dudes will drive a jeep up to your compound with machine guns and be like get the fuck out of here. He's probably just wandering into town just fucking taking people down. You take some blue chew dude you're going to experience the power. I believe it dude. Now combine that with some meth. Meth and blue chew. We got to get you half a blue. Yeah.

I'll get one from Lewis. I believe it. Dude, you're going to thank... Oh, I'm sure. But you can't get a hold of them because then you'll use them. I don't get a hold of them. I don't want to.

I got one and I held it for like three months. Good for you. And then Sunday was a good occasion. The thing I want... it was on Vice actually. It was a support group for young men who are addicted to taking, every time they have sex, they take them. And it was like, dude, it's so fucking funny. The one guy was just like, they're in England.

He's like, well, I actually got addicted to Blueys from Chemsex. And no one asked him what it is. Like, oh, okay, cool. And I Googled it. I'm like, what the fuck? It was pretty nuts, dude. I like it. I like it google it i'm like what the fuck it's pretty nuts dude i like it i like i'm supportive sorry you're not look i'm very sex positive me too dude but i also if you look at any like action movie that's a bad guy lair dude that's that's blade that's the

vampires dude that's fuck that's like some wild we need a black conservative to come down and kill all the vampires we're gonna have to train we're gonna have to train sydney with swords not so we can kill all the vampires that killed his fucking just give him that shit that sucks the needle that sucks the blood out of the oh dude so if you take fucking if you take it too much and you you use too many boners up um there's like scar tissue that like kind of occurs in your boner. So what happens is you get peronies forever. It's worse than peronies, dude.

You just get forever just limp bird. And what they have to do is they put an implant in your dick. I've seen the implants. Do you know how you get it hard? Yeah, like a pump.

In your ball sack. Yeah. So you just have to like quietly squeeze your nut sack and then your dick gets hard if I guess like I hover along like a floatable tube

last or you can't be out in the sun it'll deflate oh your dick would technically sit on it your dick would technically like you'd get like the tire light in the winter you'd have to pump your bird back up it would become inflated yeah i saw we watched it on something either legion of skanks or bonfire. I watched it. Yeah, dude. Somebody getting that pump, and it's like, it's crazy. Seeing somebody pump their fucking boner from underneath their sack. Their nut sack, dude. Like a, ugh.

I think they give you like a third ball. You gotta choose wisely. There's like a thing. You just fucking. Yeah, true. You don't want to get the wrong pump. Fuck, man. Dude, that was, I was in the hospital just doing nothing but research, dude.

Chem sex. I was playing 1914. Cracked the code on Blueys. So if we do push Blue Chews, I'm going to be like the British cigarette pack and be like... Okay. Poison. You'll die. You're going to die, but it's going to rule.

And you're going to feel cool while you're doing it. The Mexican Surgeon General says you only get an infinite amount of boners. The Heneral. The Heneral. He's exactly right, dude. But it's enough that I think I've said it on here. The first time I took Blue Chew, I was like, my dick's actually huge. Yeah.

I was sitting there in a hotel mirror with a hard dong just being like, damn, I actually have a good dick. And that's what they said? That's the power of Bluetooth, dude. They say your dick looks bigger than it ever has before. It does. Dude, that's addictive, bro. You're going to give me that?

It's not addictive. For this old dude? You'll be all right. For this dong hawk, bro? I love checking it. I love the specs on my... Dude, there is... Yeah, when you wake up with a good semi,

like a thick bird from a hot bed, seeing yourself in the mirror in the bathroom is nice. I live for it. It's nice to be like, it's going to be a good day. Dude, I'm not making this up. Dad bird's a real phenomenon. Really? You're just around so much physical stuff,

and you're constantly seeing your wife's boobs. You got thick meat. You're seeing boobs all the time. I mean, I'm bragging. I'm seeing breastfeeding. I'm seeing fucking like butts and you're just seeing, you're on a naked woman

the whole time. Yeah. So you start getting like fluffed. It's pretty nice. You got a thick hog the whole time. I gotta be careful. I don't want to get scar tissue because I've had a semi

for 72 hours. I might have to pump my bum. I might have to pump my bum. Oh, not from that. That's why they put the curtain up. So you don't get hard? Not because it's gross. It's just because it's too hot.

Too many dudes have pre-jacked in the room. Yeah, dude. It's like, I mean, I don't want to get scar tissue from having this semi for 72 hours. I mean, if that's what dad bird's about, I don't know. But I might have to start taking blues. True. I guess I think every time I saw my dad's dong, it did have it. When you become a geezer, you get a thick roof, like at all times.

I think you get, like, did you ever hear of the thing in grade school where if a girl sleeps on their stomachs, their boobs get bigger? You get that gravity action where, like, you start gravity. It starts to return. It starts to point your dong down. It starts to return to the source. Yeah. Your dong starts to drop.

Yeah. Sometimes it doesn't. I've been in a couple locker rooms where i still got the still pointing east still north dude i read i was when i was looking up like uh i was looking up chem sex i was looking up like ball pumps i stumbled across a book that was just about uh like micro like living with micro penis yeah so i'm like all right this type book is hilarious. I saw the opposite book. It's called A Vice for Men with like huge dicks. I forget what the book's called.

It's something like Living with a Humongous Penis, the memoir. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, dude, I'm going to start sending that. I've seen like pictures of people reading that on the subway.

Oh, okay. Which is hilarious. Dude, it's such a funny fucking book, dude. I'm going to start sending that to people. Anytime you have business with somebody, be like, just want to give you. Here you go. True.

Read up. I kind of could see it through your pants. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I could tell you. You had it. You got a thick burn. Writing a book. It was a doctor who wrote a book about having a huge burn.

It's like, dude, fuck you, dude. Yeah, fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you for that. You're a doctor, and that's not enough. You have to sell a bestseller about your experience having a humongous dick. It's like, fuck you, dude. Jerk off.

Fucking asshole. That'd be a bummer if he was your fucking OBGYN. It's all girls, thank God. It's all girls. And just dudes with New York bestseller big dongs, dude. Yeah, they're floating around you don't want to run into them yeah i saw the book like what a dick how gross was all the vagina stuff during birth wasn't there stuff flying out i didn't see all that but they they literally just

like at the end push down on your stomach they get it just to start get the mung out yeah it's the mung they just go they just kind of do like a. And it's bay on bay, so there's no ginger. They're just like, yeah, fuck off, whatever. They start pumping you, and they just try to pump it all out of you. Yeah, they're fucked. Dude, it's like you get into bay world, it's fucking crazy, man. Bay world's gross, dude.

That sucks. It's crazy. It sucks. Look, we sympathize. It's hard to be a lady. Being a lady sucks. Literally, dude, in my head, I'm just like... You're a feminist, dude.

You're a male feminist. Fuck. No, male feminists hate kids. If you're a male feminist, what you do is you're like, no, I don't want kids, bae. I don't care. And then you're like... True.

If you're a male feminist, you love abortion. You fucking motherfucker. We hate abortion. We fucking hate it, dude. We hate it unless I need it. And then I'll be quiet about it. I'm not going to flaunt it. That would be tight if you went out as a male comedian and flaunted abortion.

Yeah, true. So I took this girl and had another abortion. I was like, fucking dead baby bitch. Oh, you don't like it? It's because you hate women. All right. Dude, I read a fucking article about me today. So I'm fucking, I'm not going to, I'm not going to put them on blast.

See, that's the thing. It's funny. It's funny. I'll like Google my name every day. Just because there's literally every day there's a new, somebody wrote something. Or I'm just a mention in something. I might write a piece about you in the National Enquirer. take like it like a real weird photo of you and just spread a wild rumor that's i want to get you i want to get it the next day and i'll be one of the three people

that read it no one gives a fuck if you're just no i'm saying that if you're like a super fresh tabloid of like bigfoot sighting like shane gillis fucks the queen of england and have you like looking all like furtively like no it's just there's been like i've read so many articles about just like somebody wrote an article that was just like being racist isn't funny and it's like first off when i read that i was like now that you mentioned it it kind of is but it's like, why would, I don't know, why are people writing articles that are like, this is not funny? Yeah. It's like, why don't you just let people decide if something's funny?

That's a weird man. What's going on here that all these comedy journalists are like, sorry, people are done with this style. It's like, are they? Because I'm in the clubs every night and people are laughing. Yeah. I'm not a moron. I would change things if,

if I was bombing, there's nobody more in tune with what's funny. Exactly. It's like a touring comedian. I'm reading some girl's article that from Georgia about how I suck. It's like, what do you fucking know about comedy? The fuck?

It also shows if you, if you get into the point where like you, you're having major publications, right about you, it starts, you start to be like oh this isn't real on some level where like people can just write whatever the fuck they can literally write whatever they want and then i would feel bad saying their names i don't name these journalists because i don't want them to get wrath on twitter yeah it's all journalists with like ver it's like chicks with veritas tattooed to their arms dude

and it's like they'll be like i think i got this handle the same circle of people that are just around like this special was amazing this bad i read an article this lady wrote an article about sam morrell's special and was like critical of it was like well the closing callback was pretty weak but overall it's like dude and then they'll watch and review somebody else's special. That's like a guitar act. That's like, I'm sad and life's hard. And they're like, but that was incredible. This guy's changing the genre. Meanwhile, Sam Rell is giving like a fucking sick special.

And they're like, well, I think the last bit was a little hacky. It's like, dude, I'm opening for Sam Rell. Unbelievable. Are you really? Yeah. Fuck it. Yeah. That's going to be awesome.

Dude, Sam's a beast he's i heard he's a man he is the man he's a he's like a cool dude and he's fucking hilarious yeah i mean also too that's gonna like spike the suicide rate for comedians of just having critical journalists being like that was kind of hacky it's like dude first of all i just learned that word like six days ago yeah shut the fuck up yeah i mean the the fact that this lady wrote an article well also what's funny is she was like, he's starting to learn because he's not as transphobic as he used to be. Like shit like that.

And it's like, bro, she's been following him like that. Yeah. She's reviewed like all of his fucking specials. So these are just critics, dude. They're not even journalists. They're critics. They call themselves comedy journalists. And then they literally are like, I don't know.

I don't want to fucking talk about this again. But it's funny to read an article that's like somebody's like, this is not funny. Yeah don't want to fucking talk about this again, but it's funny to read an article that's like somebody's like, this is not funny. Yeah, it's bullshit. It's like, all right, well. And that's like... You're allowed to do that?

Weren't critics... You're allowed to write an article about music and be like, this music sucks. Yeah. And it's like, sure. Okay. But just, you know, don't listen. Yeah, so I'm going to have to try...

If somebody... If there was like... If I had a problem with like dubstep, I wouldn't write an article and be like... Do you? Ban dubstep. Yeah. If I had a problem with dubstep, I wouldn't write an article and be like, Do you? Ban dubstep. Yeah. You could make an argument. Never.

It's just a very dangerous music, dude. Oh, true. If you're trying to avoid chem sex, then yes. Or if you're two stone and you submit yourself to fucking dubstep. What type of jams do you think they listen to at the chem sex parties? Just. No, it's fucking, It's Prodigy.

It's just Prodigy. It's just that song. Come play my game. It's just that over and over. Yeah, just British dudes. For sure. Oh, yeah, but dude. But yeah, it was a fun read.

And then I looked it up. I think it was a college student that article from today it was just a college it's also like there used to be like critics were supposed to be a kind of nuanced and be able to like dig through the things and be like you know this is cool and then but the idea you would follow a critic and they go my tastes are aligned with this person so if they like it i'll like'll like it too. But I feel like that's bad. It's like, okay, good. Yeah. Most of them are like, if you're going to be offensive, at least be funny. It's like the San Francisco.

It's like all these major publications that are like, this isn't even funny. My favorite one is this one, The Cut. There's some type of website, I guess. What's-His- his name offers bratty non-apology oh that's pretty funny love that they call me what's his name in a brat i dude i fucking love what's his name offers bratty non-apology good that's the thing too man like if you were to if you were if the information were available for you to deep dive the writers of this material you can make them cry dude and it's like that would chat my

fucking ass it's all dude they're also coming like especially the whole thing like racism's not funny it's like dude we've literally been living in cells of like you know we've been living in like ethnic cells forever and now they're mixing we're figuring out the fuck yeah it used to be when they mixed it was bad there was usually a murder one of the cells tried to murder the other cells immediately Now it's like we got a funny name for him. No It's also like so like you say you lived in like fucking Sweden and then you would just One person like some piece of shit Danish idiot It was like the dink it dude like you didn't knowopia existed one dude would have gone to poland and be like yeah i met him kind of fucking dumb

you're obviously primed to be like they probably are dumber than us i think the polacks are dumb they're dumb and they're like and then you're like wait what happened now like yeah this guy did something dumb you're like yeah i could see all of them being dumb we're better than it's also like i don't know like you're allowed to it's funny to see people like all right so the same way we make fun of white people like i was watching trump try to speak indian and he went to he dude first off he went to the like biggest cricket indians love trump dude for sure it's hilarious because this exact conversation that we're having where you meet one person of a race and you're like, well, he speaks for all of them.

I was sitting there drinking with some Indian dude at a bar on the way to New York from London. He was just like asking me about Trump. And he was like, what do you think about him? And I was like, you know, I gave him some fucking non-answer just to see what he said. And he fucking loved him, dude. He's like, he's a businessman. He's a good businessman.

That's what you need. I was like, dude, Indians love good business man dude for sure dude but trump gave a speech uh in india in a packed stadium giant packed stadium of india he's trying to speak indian or whatever the like he's like a quadrata or whatever there's like four dialects yeah he's trying to speak their language, and it's hilarious. It's funny to hear people fuck up speaking another language. That's so funny. It is funny.

Ibidoo, shibidoo. He really did. And the crowd would react and be like, ah. Skibidibidoo. We're here at the largest. Yeah, skibidoo. Praise Vishnu.

But yeah, accents are funny. Yeah. And seeing people try to, not try try but like seeing people assimilate weird is funny like to do things that we do like customs fucked up is funny yeah i don't there's no like racism behind it it's just like it's funny he's wearing his hat like that like it's funny oh that's what they're doing with those that's funny i was uh food shopping the other day and i saw a lady in like full like uh which i'm gonna call it like muslim garb but like just the eyes and i was like damn that lady probably walks around all day i mean like look at these fucking idiots not wearing the right shit maybe you know what i mean of like you there's no way you wear that and you're like wearing jeans is

kind of cool too you're probably idiots yeah which makes sense though like if i moved to fucking cameroon i'm still gonna be wearing sweatpants and t-shirts i'm not gonna instantly move there and throw on a dashiki and people will be like that's weird maybe more than ever dude yeah maybe more than ever you'll be wearing fucking you know t sweats so like don't assimilate you know until you run out of those clothes i think i think the rule is your kids assimilate you don t sweats so like don't assimilate you know until you run out of those clothes i think i think the rule is your kids assimilate you don't yeah so you go there they go to school and you just like sit at home and you're like what's wrong yeah they get bullied into assimilating yeah first couple years you dress them how you dress and then they get made fun of and every day they

come back like do i have to wear this do i have to find a guy whatever well it's also too like dude so when you when you're born you literally whatever language you're around you you just like your neurological structure forms around the language you're around like the way people are experiencing emotion around you your brain literally shaped in that way so like your brain shaped by the culture around you so then like your brain has been shaped by like whatever fucking benghazi whatever goes on in benghazi i don't know what besides hillary letting people die or whatever i was waiting to see where this went i was excited you're like you've been neural it's not just like a you're neurologically your brain's laid into place then you come here and you see chicks with their fucking butt cheeks hanging

out of shorts it pisses you the fuck off bro look's no, they're not going to be like, well, I guess it's like, you're fucking fired up. It's safe to say they're right about some things, including maybe put the cheeks away. Maybe that's a weird way that we're all living something. Also, too, just to have, to come from that where like your wife, just like her like showing too much of her literal, literal cheekbones. You're tossing literal. Literal. I say that a lot. You say literal. Literal cheek cheekbones are showed and then you see a chick's butt cheeks

you're like motherfucker yeah that's offensive that's offensive i don't like it as someone who islam sympathizer when i see young women with their butt cheeks i was like excuse me damn you're really offending damn you're really offending our muslim brotherhood dude or muslim brothers excuse me muslim prison gang uh think about that next time you're out here prancing around yeah trying to fucking show off trying to show off your butt cheeks all i'm thinking about is like how can i make this a very comfortable experience for immigrants so it's like obviously that's why i dress conservative so i dress conservatively dude exactly that's why i dress conservatively i'm your outfits. That's why I dress conservatively, dude. Exactly. That's why I dress conservatively. I'm just waiting for somebody to come from a Muslim-ruled country

so I can be like, check out my gear. Assalamu alaikum, bro. Assalamu alaikum, bro. Let's put these tits away. I'm with you. Nice. Where are we at time-wise? We're up basically an hour.

Nice, dude. We got to get you back. I'm going to get you some food. You got to get back to tending to your baby. Let me go, dude. Wow, man. basically an hour. Nice, dude. We got to get you back. I got to get some food. You got to get back to tending to your baby. Let me go, dude. Wow, Matt. Y'all are old, dude. So proud of you.

What are you guys doing? Well, rumor has it there's a war room headed down the pike for the Patreon. There's a rumor going around that Spud and Billy and me are going to sit down here in a minute and discuss some things. It could fall through, so I don't want to promise anything for the page. Gotcha, gotcha. I don't want to promise any page just yet, but there's a decent chance that takes place. It could fall through, so I don't want to promise anything for the page. I don't want to promise any page just yet, but there's a decent chance that takes place.

It'll happen. Also, Video Studio is very close. Studio, we're working hard to get a studio going. Everything's there. I heard we got some of the furnitures there, which is very exciting. We're very excited to unveil our gear. Oh my god, dude, I can't wait.

This weekend, the 5th, 6th, and 7th of March, you can see me at the Stress Factory in Bridgeport, Connecticut. The 11th and 12th, next week I'll be at Comedy Key West. Yeah, Comedy. The 11th and 12th, I'll be in Key West, Florida. And then 13th, 14th, 15th, I'll be at South by Southwest. So that'll be sick. I'll be in South by Southwest. So that'll be sick. I'll be in Texas tonight.

A little South by. Oh. Yeah. Oh, you're going to South by Southwest. I'm going to South by Southwest. Not Skank by Skank West. And then Skank Fest later. And then Moontown.

I got three Texas dates coming up shortly. Bro. Austin and Houston. That's what's up. Yeah, we'll see. I might get fucking beat up at south by southwest nah you'll hold our enemies you'll hold it down a lot of people i said were gay approach and be like sorry i called you gay yeah nah you jones will protect you i might contact

jones if i'm down in austin i thought about definitely i'm gonna keep pictures of my kid off the internet bro i don't want alex jones to get his hands on him and fucking blackmail me when I inevitably beef with him, dude. There will be a time where we inevitably beef with Alex Jones. And, dude, when he gets a hand on your kid's pictures, dude, he will dox you. Oh, dude, before we go, this was fucking killing me. So on Sunday, I went to the Flyers-Rangers game. Oh, yeah, yeah.

It was pretty fucking sick but i went with uh francis from barstool this guy named francis yeah he got fired from barstool and he was he wrote an article about this chick i never read the article and he never really explained it so i don't i don't this is all you know hearsay but i think he was there was a girl who got like kidnapped but there was no evidence of foul play, really. It was just like she had a history of sugar daddies or something like that. And he wrote an article that was like, I think it's fucking rumpus time, dude. I think this girl is fine.

I think she's having a rumpus. She's fake kidnapping? He said when he hit publish on that article, like a half hour later, they were like, her charred remains have been found. He got fucking fired from Barstool. He had a hot take. He was telling me this. Yeah, he dropped a hot take and ended up the girl got fucking burned. Oh my God.

I was like, holy shit, dude. He slut shamed a burn victim? He slut shamed a lady and then she got set on fire. I was like, oh my God, dude. Yours is way worse than mine. Is he applying anywhere else? That's a tight portfolio

being like this, that. I had one piece that was a little bit controversial. We missed the mark on one of them. We should hire him. We should start a blog. We should start a website. Francis is doing well.

He's doing well. Good. And he is funny and it was genuinely a mistake. That's so funny, bro. I think they're under pressure to write like fucking 10 articles. Good. And he is funny, and it was genuinely a mistake. That's so funny, bro. You know, I think they're under pressure to write like fucking 10 articles a day. And he was just like. You're also under pressure to write shit that's controversial.

At least. And you're under pressure to write it first. Yeah. Because everybody's getting the same topics, and if somebody gets the topic first, it's theirs. Yeah. So he was like, all right, I'm going to follow this fucking case. I bet she's all right. I think she's fine.

He called slut a little too quickly. He called slut. Oh, no. fucking case i bet she's all right i think she's fine he calls a little too quickly he calls oh no but just him telling me he didn't even say it like laughing i started laughing and he was like and then there was like an article that was like her charred remains have been i was like holy shit dude charred remains but yeah i don't know i don't know i didn't i've done it I didn't even ask. Who done it? Some black dude. He fucking cooked her up. She was invited to the barbecue. She got invited to the cookout. That's no good, dude.

That's a joke. That's terrible. So you're saying... That's terrible. I shouldn't have said that. I'm not going to say I didn't think it. So you're saying that at black family reunions, that should be get out.

That would be a good get out part, too. That wouldions that should be get out that'd be a good get out part too that'd be a great reverse get out oh that'd be the worst dude if Key and Peele did it

they're just like mmm see a fucking white lady they're all cannibals mmm some lady has like an FSU sweatshirt hey slow down

this topic is fucked up dude I don't like it you got a kid dude ladies getting cooked and munched? Kids? Yeah. I know I got a kid.

I'll never- You got to cook a lady. Every once in a while, you got to cook a lady. I mean, dude- How much that guy must have loved bae that he was like, I got to- I'm cooking her. I'm going to burn her. I'm going to set fire to bae, dude.

How do you think he did it? I don't know. I think he killed her first and tried to hide her body. Ah okay but it is yeah dude sometimes love is so powerful you end up chopping up bay that's i mean that is like the apex of love dude yeah to burn your significant other that's how much you love i love you so much i what you i didn't want anyone else to have you what happened was he just in jail now probably You know, the journalist now has to visit him in jail and get the scoop. That would be the comeback of the century.

That would be the redemption for Francis. And that guy will Hannibal Lecter him. He'll be like, so you've come to write about me. Yeah, and then you've got to find other guys that want to burn Bay. He helps you locate the other Bay burners. Oh, man. I might burn Bay.

Probably did him a disservice there. What? Even bringing that up. That's hilarious. It is a funny story. Man, he's another shot, dude. He's doing fine anyway. Yeah, he's totally fine.

He has some good seats at the fucking Rangers game. God damn it, that's so fucking funny. Yeah. I wrote for a website for a little bit, and the guy will be like, write something that pisses people. They pressure you to fucking write shit that pisses people off. Well, that's what all these comedy articles are. They're all click big for like.

Yeah, for sure. Me. Yeah. Just getting clicks out of me every day. Anyone who's not like, yes, is the enemy.

Yeah. So if you're not like, yeah, and do you, you know, just some, it's like, it's all,

it sucks. It's basically like Lizzo dressing like a chocolate bar is everything yeah if you don't like that then you're the enemy so excuse me but sorry

sorry you declared the enemy you are the enemy damn I can't believe that girl got fucking she got fucking roasted bro roasted and toasted dude that's a bummer

that's a fucking wild like imagine Jesus Christ like your loved one being like alright I hope they're okay then some dickhead from Barstool writes an article calling her a slut. Then you get a phone call that's like, no, she's dead.

He should have asked for the action. He should have challenged the remains. True. He should have got DNA tested. He should have been like, well, let's look at the statistics with how accurate charred remains cases are. How many charred remains cases are there? I'm pretty sure if someone's missing

and they find Charred Remains, they're like, yeah, it's got to be them. It's got to be them. Oh, fuck, man. Well, you know? Yeah. Charred Remains is the funniest. Charred Remains is a tough headline.

Charred Remains. In the Charred Remains article, they're like, local slut. Slut dead, found charred. Story was broken by a fucking barstool journalist. Hot on the trail

of the slut. Every barstool. Oh, man. That's good stuff. Oh, my God. It's so fucking funny. Well, Matt,

tend to your babe. Tend to the babe. Tend to the babe and tend to bae and stabilize bae and baby right now. You got to go home and stabilize them. Yeah,

I'm going to bring some snacks. Baes need snacks and they need just, you got to stay there and be awake and be like, chill. You got to keep them

from fighting with the nurses. Oh shit, they're still at the hospital. Oh, they were here earlier on Thursday, bro. Oh shit. Back to the spittle, dude.

Let the dogs out. you got to go to the fucking hospital right now. Yeah, I'm sleeping on like a fucking pad for like three days. Oh, that fucking sucks. Nah, nothing, bro. Dude, abandon your family right now. Go home. Just go home, abandon your family, and go back to the apartment.

Legally, I could. That's fucking nuts. I could legally just be like, well, mother-in-law, wife, it's within my legal right to physically and mentally abscond from this family unit. That's fucking nuts, dude. You should go to jail for that. Yeah, you can't go to jail for it. You can't have the government decide.

Because, yeah, what's the fine line? Yeah. Because I was thinking about that. I looked at my daughter and I'm like, could I just be like- You looked at your daughter? That's not good, dude. I was going through- Like, could I just be like, that's not good, dude. I was going through day one.

You're like, could I, uh, I was trying to go through the motions of like what life event could bring a man to be like, cause it's definitely one of those things where it's like, uh, I'm going to take some me time that just turns into like, yeah, me time ended up being fun, dude. Yeah. Cause it's like, I'm like, how do you do that to where you're just kind of like... I think it takes a minute. It's usually not day one. Oh, for sure.

I think a week at the earliest, a week of that has got to be like, I need to leave the house. Yeah, or a dude just sees like a stick. Then you drive down the block and you're like, I can go one more block. Or you just see a stick and a bandana on your arm. Like, I could fill it up with some stuff and walk away. Get some stuff and get out of here. But yeah, no, I looked. looked i was like that's wild i think too it's if you don't have the fundamentals because it's like dude if you're like if you're arguing already with bay and you have kid and you don't fix that argue shit and you start arguing with the kid you

just you could easily if you start hating bay just be like fuck this kid yeah this kid's a fucking asshole too this kid ruined my life. I was having fun. I had a podcast. I had a fun podcast. But yeah, I was like, dude, right now I'm just like, this is fucking awesome. Yeah. And it is awesome.

I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you. I'm squatted up. And I love you. Love you, bro. I love you. Fucking love the dogs. Yeah.

It's nothing but love, dude. Fuck, dude. It is all about family now. How can we not talk about family? All about family. Fuck yeah. Dude, Bay texted It is all about family now. How can we not talk about family? All about family. Fuck yeah. Dude, Bae texted me. I thought it was going to be a fight.

Bae, they just, dude, she just soldered up and was like, I got this. Go do what the fuck you do. I was like, thanks, man. Hell yeah. Pretty tight. Go stack bread. Go talk about sluts. Go talk about a slut that got burned.

Go talk about sluts and Muslims, dude. Can I please take this out with just an audio clip dude depends this is a commercial what do you got this should be our sponsor this should be our sponsor dude this is the

the book what is the what trying to bring I'm trying to bring I'm trying to bring more awareness to the Sudan situation the

fuck I'm trying to I have like 6 zillion baby photos here we go the uh fuck i'm trying to five like six zillion baby photos here we go and later became concubines burying the children of their keepers boys tended livestock and were often raped too this i have to tell you is one of the gravest offenses of the arabs homosexuality is not part of denka culture, not even in a covert way. There simply are no practicing homosexuals at all. And thus sodomy, particularly the forced sodomy upon innocent boys, has fueled the war as much as any other crime committed by the murehlin. I say this all with due deference to the homosexuals of this country or any other. It is simply a fact that the thought of boys being sodomized by Arabs

is enough to drive a Sudanese soldier to acts of incredible bravery. Oh, no. Dude, it's like 14 hours of shit. It's so fucking funny, dude. It's funny to talk about that so factually. He's like, nothing against homosexuals in America. It doesn't bother, you know. You guys do whatever you want here, but the thing that gets me going in the morning is arabs arabs fucking my young

sudanese brothers and then stealing my sister that was the thing too they just that would get you going the leader of sudan was just like okay time in slaves can go again he was like yeah you could totally have slaves again guys go take them damn Damn, dude. That's how you get people to rock the vote. Dude, what is the what is such a treat. The audio book of just having an African dude in your ear all day long be like, I saw the microwave. It was very impressive. He was like, yeah, my microwave does fucking rule. Microwaves do rule.

Dude, he was talking about his law. That's the fucking, that's like the anvil to the blacksmith is the microwave to the Scotty. Oh, for sure. That's like where all his work and crafting is done, dude. Good Scotty knows how to put tinfoil in the microwave. Good Scotty knows all of it, dude. Dude, yeah, that book, What is the What? It's like my favorite thing right now.

So fucking funny. It's like that's incredible acts of bravery. Nothing against the homosexuals in America, but when I think about an Arab molesting a boy, it leads me to incredible acts of bravery. It's true, though. Such a funny reaction to child rape, to be like, I am so brave about this.

I could fight a lion. We gotta go. You tend to your family. Stop being a deadbeat. Stop deadbeating on the cast. Bye.