Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Inner Core

Episode Date: February 23, 2020

Daddy-Shane has finally come home to learn his nasty little son was smoking pot and carrying on with his buddies while he was away. Discipline is in order. 

What's up, bro? What's going on? It's going down, dude. What is it? What is going down? It's going down right now. Been a while, dude. It's been a minute. I feel, dude, I really, did you ever not have sex with a girl for a long time? She's like, I'm nervous. Oh, really? Is that how you feel right now? I'm back to give it to you, baby. I'm nervous. No, Matt. Don't make it gay, dude. Oh, I'm getting hard. I'm nervous. Thinking about sliding in you. Ooh, baby. Me being all nervous. Like, let's just sit here for a second. Come on. Let's just talk.

Can we talk for a minute? You never want to talk. It's always just straight to sex. Bitches, I don't know. Bitch, I don't want to talk to you. I got cum in me. I haven't felt nervous like this in a while. Yeah.

What was going on when I was gone, dude? It was rumpus time. It was a rumpus fucking rumpus. I listened to one episode and I gone dude it was rumpus time it was a rumpus i listened to one episode and i was like the rumpus time dude you you started without me the wheels came off dude it was just a weed cult immediately oh dude that was nothing dude there was that was that was the only thing i listened to was the first stoner dad's up dude there was so we had first stoner dads that. How did you feel about Stoner Dads? I loved it.

That was so much fun. Stoner Dads was funny. That was a blast. We did it. So I did a dog file. Did you follow any of this? No. Bro.

I saw an apology email. That's all I saw. I did a formal statement. Okay, sorry. Pardon me. It was a very structured formal statement. The structured statement was like, Okay, sorry. I pardon you. It was a very structured, formal statement. The structured statement was like, I am in fact the one who is a faggot.

So someone had reached out and been like, hey. That's where it's not mine. I don't say that type of junk. Well, I was absorbing all my... Of course. People were crushing this young man. Really? Bro. I mean, he... Oh, yeah yeah tell me what it was about i

didn't listen so he hit me up and he was like hey i did a thesis on incels so in my head i'm like i for some reason i thought this dude was like doing like a master's level thesis or like a doctorate i'm like damn this is sick this guy did like deep research on incels yeah so he gets on and uh instantly he's a nice dude he instantly hits me up though and he's like tom he's like this is my undergraduate i'm like oh fuck bro i was like how old are you he's like 22 and i'm like in my head i'm like fuck he's got dog brains he's 22 and i did i did tell him i was like bro look well either way so he delivered his he delivered uh you know his research in my head i was like while it was going on i was sitting there like my dogs were being loud so i'm looking at my dogs like shut up stop being so loud britney's texting me. I'm like, Brittany, leave me alone.

And I'm hearing him say all this stuff. And my head is just like, well, what about this? What about this? And I'm like, I'll let this guy just do his thing. Yeah. Dude, I just wanted to put something out so badly. Of course. I just didn't even think about it.

It's all good. I put it out. And everyone's like, what a fucking faggot. Fuck this fucking faggot. And they just started killing this dude. Damn. Crushing him. Then I felt bad.

I'm like like i should have prevented i could have easily prevented this yeah i was so lost a 22 year old out so you put him out in the field you put a rookie in the field bro and that dude i'm starting to realize too it's like it's not for everybody bro when you put i mean he he handled it i called him i'm like look bro it'll blow over you're gonna take a couple faggots right now but it's like dude he must have taken like 60 really he was getting he was getting there were some people who were like oh what's the big deal but when that's the other thing too when you talk incels dude dudes are ready to fuck you up dudes do not like it dude incels will get you if you make part of it when you bring the sun into the

inside they're like if you call their name they will appear but the thing that they had a problem with which was legitimate was like a lot of his thesis was kind of being like they're terrorists so a lot of it was kind of like headlines with no there was no numbers really to be like there's like four reported cases and it's like all right dude you know so it wasn't it wasn't as solid research that i was craving but the young man did his thing dude he. He hopped in the paint. He went to the fucking hoop, dude. Yeah, whatever. A bunch of cells are just like, nope.

Cells are out. Dude, someone's going to put on a body cam and kill him while reciting PewDiePie quotes. It's not going to be good. So that's what he was like. Yeah, dude. You can't bother the incels. He rattled their cage a little. he was he was like yeah dude you really talk you can't dude you can't bother the incels he was he was rattled their cage a little he was well he was like talking to me even like some of it like

off the thing being like dude i'm like legitimately afraid i'm gonna get killed by incels i'm like dude incels are not gonna kill you dude they're fucking around on 4chan yeah they're not gonna kill you yeah there's a couple a couple of them went bad a couple went rogue for sure yeah but you know i was like so we were uh we did that for a while. A couple went bad. A couple went sour. That's a nice way to say it. Yeah, a couple went sour. But, yeah, he was, like, talking like these dudes are about to come get him.

I'm like, nah, man, they're not going to. It's not like that. Oh, man. So, yeah, there was. So you put out the statement to protect the young boy. Dude, I had to. I wonder if the young boy's handsome. I bet he's handsome, dude.

I don't know. I saw. It's like you can only see, like, Twitter pictures. Okay. So it's know i don't i didn't i didn't think he was like a chad really it wasn't a chad so i don't know dude he just fucking you know i tried something on i should start screening now because i just click a button i'm like all right dude what do you have to say yeah but yeah so that was kind of the point of it true true but i could have been like well wait what about when he was saying research yeah in my head i'm like like what did you do like did you like numbers did you interview people and he's like you know i just looked at comments and stuff

and i'm like oh fuck this guy this is like high school project yeah this is trouble yeah i was like fuck that's all right he just did what i usually do he just like came up with a wild theory based on no evidence is be like dude no for dude, no, for real, you got to see this. Oh, man. So that's what was going on. It was rumpus time. It was rumpus time, dude. So everyone fucking dog piled on him.

And it was funny, too, because people were like, it's not that bad. I saw Sid posted a video of him naked crawling out of a tank. I knew I had to get back, dude. Yeah, dude. Boys, look, I can't leave you alone. You need some negative feedback because if you because tim and fucking sid just they're on board oh yeah so all three of you are on the same trajectory you need someone back there like no don't do that don't do that tampering it yeah you gotta take it out the tank was a solid move uh i like that i saw it i

was like this is this is scary showing his little hiney it was scary what was scary about it it was weird it was strange dude because then i thought about him having to set up the camera and press record and then climb back in and then climb back out i thought butterly did it for him at first well that would be except no it was it was he set the cam slithered out went back in slithered back out yeah it was it was fun man we had a uh we had a good old time yeah you did but the incel app i was like never again dude because it does require pushback of being like well what about this what about this in my head i was like wait so what did he say that was so bad it just was not researched

and people are upset well it was it was just taking, like, stuff. Nothing was, like, it wasn't horrible, but it would be, like, taking a, it was, like, taking, like, headlines, like, sensationalized headlines of, like, the incels are on the rise. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

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Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.. Yeah. you know being like and they're not you know like everyone fucks around in 4chan and like makes like just fucks around with shit yeah he was like nah man they're not fucking around they're serious so then you get like trolls who are like fuck that guy dude he's like it would be like when people listen to the and he even did say he's like you know i get it you guys fuck around it's not

the same thing but it was the same argument but these guys aren't fucking around so yeah it was some of them i mean dude there are some dark corners of the Internet, dude. So, you know, either way, the only reason I deleted it was because Spud didn't like it. The Spud man didn't like it. He didn't like it, dude. Wasn't Spud half incel? Well, he can't claim incel because he's not a virgin. And he got asked not that long ago. And that was what I was talking about on the thing.

I'm like, dude, it sucks. Like, if you had the terminology for me when I was younger, I'd be like, fuck, I'm an incel. Because I would go nine-month stretches without getting ass. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it's like, now that wasn't a thing. I was always like, I'll get pussy eventually. But now it's like, you go on these message boards. You're like, wait, what am I?

You're like, fuck. Yeah. It's like, especially for a 19-year-old, nine months of not getting pussy is an eternity. You just had to be a pussy liar. True. That's the only way. In that seven-month stretch You just had to be a pussy liar. True. That's the only way. In that seven-month stretch, you had to be a pussy liar. You just had to revert.

Solid move. You had to resort to pussy lying. That's the only way to survive that stretch. Sidney had a good theory, actually a good point, saying that being an incel is so unacceptable in the black community. It's not a thing. And he's like, I think it's the fact that white guys don't try to get pussy hard enough like they don't cat cat callings out of the picture so he's like it's really white guy's fault that like this thing exists yeah it's also

the you know i think the rules are a little harsher on white guys when it comes to cat calling and all that and also i'll say this we're the only ones who cackle excuse me i'm gonna put a pin in that right let's put a pin in this right now white guys are the main culprits of catcalling we've established that excuse me yeah but also obviously also i'll say this and this isn't i think it's more socially acceptable for black guys when they're younger definitely to just fuck whoever like white guys if you fuck an ugly chick you're gonna hear about it i dude I don't know, though, because I don't... I partied as hard as I could. I had no shame.

You did. You had no shame. No shame. I grew out of my shame. Yeah. But there were definitely some chicks I hooked up with that I was like, you fucking don't tell anybody about. I was definitely like that. Dude, I've said it before.

That was my favorite thing to do in college when people pull up Facebook and be like, damn, look at this chick. I thought she was so hot. I would go for my oddity collection. Yo, I'll give you a name. They're like, what the fuck? I'm like, dude, she's fucking hot i would go for like my oddity collection but yo i'll give you a name like what the fuck i'm like dude she's fucking hot like you're fucked up you're fucked up i like it that's how you gotta roll but no i hear you i hear what you're saying maybe that's just the theory you're talking they're gunning fast and loose yeah that's just

his point theory it's like you have to be able like we were talking about how you basically like yeah if you're not wearing all the same color matching clothes like you're just you're not trying hard enough dude true you'll have an all red fucking outfit dude it's like of course you're not getting pussy dude but yeah so the uh but yeah that that was something that i was like all right i gotta stay more conscious during these things if someone's doing something i'm like wait no rather than being like okay yeah whatever i can see that but yeah it was i think you're being too hard on yourself i didn't listen to the episode but it wasn't bad okay i mean it was the thesis was fucking there's a weak thesis that's all but yeah it was funny it was it was so funny to see people like what the fuck i feel bad for the guy now he's

probably like second guessing i called no i called him i talked to him he's good i talked him off the rack i said bro this son died down yeah he's not in pussy ass getting motherfuckers freaking out bro give him a fucking oh man oh fuck man so how was england uh toronto was sick too first i went to canada that was fun forgot about that the dogs came out dude you gotta come up to canada Up in Canada? Yeah, man. Yeah, I got to get up there. We got some fans.

Up in Canada? That's what's up, man. And England. The dogs are in England. There's some dogs up there? There's some dogs across the pond, bro. Did you find them over there? Didn't find them.

One guy, but... That's what's up. No. They just DM'd me. They're like, oh shit, are you in England doing shows? Well, come out. Damn. Yeah, we got to get over there, doing shows? Well, come out. Yeah. Damn. Yeah,

we gotta get over there, bro. Yeah. Canada for sure. Yeah. Canada for sure. England, I don't know,

man. Anytime I go to another country, I'm just instantly like, right when I get there, I'm like, damn, America fucking rules. Yeah,

what's their setup? This sucks. What was their setup? London was pretty fucking nice, though. Yeah. It was really nice. The thing that sucks,

though, is I don't think they have a highway. To get across the city, you have to take nothing but back roads. Small, little, shitty, narrow roads that are turns and roundabouts at every fucking block. They still use that Stone Age fucking Celsius system. Everything's made up. Everything's bullshit. When I got off the plane in

toronto they're like it's negative 14 degrees i was like jesus christ yeah but it was that whatever bullshit 45 made up temperature they use yeah everything sucked toronto's pizza is dog shit dude what is it they only serve like frozen pizzas that's tight it's like just dijonos just a pizza this is like a movie theater pizza. It's crazy. What? Yeah, Toronto was, and you were not lying, dude. Canadians will get in your grill and tell you a story immediately. Where they cornered you. I got some lady just fucking nailed it.

That's a nation of close talkers, dude. Oh, she nailed me right away with it. She kept saying how she was progressive. I forget what the fuck she was talking about. It was right before my show. She was in this green room just nailing me. That's what I'm telling you. That's how they exterminate. I was texting you during it.

She was like. That's how they exterminated the Indians. They close talked them and the Indians just fucking rode their horses. Straight off, dude. Another thing, man. My ex-wife, man. She doesn't even talk to me anymore. And the guy was like, fuck this, dude.

Yeah, she started talking to me. There was a story in the Toronto scene that kind of rules. There was a transgendered woman that was very, I think, vocal against Louis and was very, like, controlled the scene with an iron dick. You know what I mean?

Yeah, for sure. Just bullying everybody with the fucking, like, there's not enough diversity on the show. That's the movie. It's like, well, you suck. That's why not enough diversity on the show that's the well you suck that's why you're not on the show imagine coming i can't stand this but imagine ascending though dude you're fucking trans everyone's like freak freak and then one day people are like hey what do you think we should book these shows and you're like uh me me me a bunch of me me obviously um i'm into that true i will but see i don't think i think most of the transgender

people uh again this is a wild speculative thoughts but i think they're new i think they're new to the game dude now that you're school i think now that now that it's being accepted now i think they're a new fool how about this new fool uh i think now you know and there's reasons for maybe because now it's way more socially acceptable. You might even argue socially rewarding, but I wouldn't make that. I would never make an assumption like that. Yeah, for now, there's a serious force field around you. I don't know if they rode that storm as hard. You know what I mean?

I hear what you're saying. Imagine going from, if you were transgender your whole life until the last three years, shit just sucked. Yeah. Non-stop, dude. Oh, for sure. And then the last three years, it went from everyone being like, freak. You're at the mall, so it was like, nice dick, freak.

Yeah, someone fucks you and beats you up. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't know you were a man. It's like, yeah, you did, dude. You're gay. And then the last three years, they're like, all right, now you make all the rules. So, okay. What about some sort of rank system due to the age that you trans?

That's how it should be. You get some stripes going? There should be. I think that's good. I've been watching Ladyboys in Thailand. I told you about it. How great is that? First of all, how did Amazon get?

Well, I guess Amazon. I was telling someone about that, and they're like, are you serious? It's called Ladyboys? It's like, excuse me, is this Thai culture? Excuse me? Please respect the culture. Please put your European values all over Thai culture. No, I love those Lady Boys.

Dude. What do you think of them? When they're frolicking out in the water? What do you think? Wait, which one was that? All the Lady Boys. I only saw the second episode. Every episode, they're frolicking, dude.

That is... They are frolicking big time. They're having a... It's rumpus time. I mean, dude. That's the move, though, dude. If you get married twice and it doesn't work... Move to Thailand. Thailand, Lady Boy on the back of a moped. You ride off into the move, though, dude. If you get married twice and it doesn't work. Move to Thailand.

Thailand, ladyboy on the back of a moped. You ride off into the sunset, dude. Bro. Bring the pigs to the village. That's a good life. Go to your... Dude, I'm, like, watching that, just trying to get in these dudes' heads, and they're like, I mean, hey, man, it is what it is, you know?

They're all British, too. They're all British. There's nothing gay about it, I suppose. Maybe it's gay. Maybe... We need to expand on what we're thinking about, dude. It's so fucking funny. Yeah, I think the first episode is the one with the dad and the kid. Did you watch that one?

Yeah, I saw that. Dude, that's like my favorite show I've ever seen. That was really good. Bringing his kid out, his estranged son that he left in England. He moved and lives with ladyboys, and then he calls his son out, and he's like, yo, come to Thailand. Check this shit out. The whole time he's like, I'm not going to act different around my girlfriend.

It's the same me. We're going to be kissing all over. Then when he brings him to the bar... How about when they're in the waterfall? Him and his... The dad and his ladyboy are just like going at it. The son's just getting his head... He's like sitting underneath the waterfall watching. The dad had like a-hour in the pool boner.

Did you ever crunch your bay in the pool? You just have like a pig dick. Oh, wait. I didn't even get to the end of this. Sure. So the trans lady in Toronto that was like kind of dictating what was going on in the scene ended up. You like that? Ended up definitely having beat up

a bunch of her partners. Whoa. Like physically abused women. She physically abused a bunch of British... That was the rumor. A bunch of twice-divorced British men? No, it was just Canadian broads. I think pre-transition is what this story I was told.

What? Now, I'm not naming anybody because I don't know any of these, if this story is true at all. But, pretty nice twist. Yeah. They're like, it turns out that

that transgender lady was knocking broads around before they transitioned. Well, that's not, she was a woman fighter trapped in a man's body. True. So, excuse you.

Yeah, but that's like being trapped in one of those fucking like mechs. Starship troopers. Yeah, dude. Yeah, excuse you, dude. She was a fucking... Pardon me that was a woman ufc fight that's all dudes are that's what domestic violence people are there's true wrong body bro true that's actually a decent argument like if you hit your wife be like i'm actually a woman sorry i'm yeah i was in the process of trapped in this body technically

that was just an even fight it's basically why i hit her spiritually that just an even fight. That's basically why I hit her. Spiritually, that was an even fight. Physically, not as much. So this person was just plowing down girlfriends. One, two, left, right, hook, jab. She's tapping square. Conor McGregor shoulder punch. Definitely. She's like, come here, give me a hug.

Fuck you. Yeah, that seems to be a reoccurring theme with people who are just like... I mean, some people are woke. There's people who are aggressively woke. And whenever you scratch their little lottery ticket, you're like, oh, you beat your girlfriend? Yeah. Oh, you know. You know. Yeah.

Friends with a rapist? Okay. It's like there's always some shit going on. When you're out here fucking digging through everyone's trash can, it's like, let's go to the landfill, bro. What do you got? What are you doing? What fish bones you got buried under your trash? Well, I mean, it's the same thing as anybody that's like somebody who's being a tyrant in the community,

whether they're hiding behind being woke or whatever. It's like there's something bad. Sure. You cannot just, like, I don't know. Yeah, to be that out. Yeah, I mean, it's just. If you're out there, like, yelling at, there's something bad. Sure. You cannot just, like, I don't know. Yeah, to be that out, yeah,

I mean, it's just, if you're out there, like, yelling at people, projecting onto other people, what the fuck is wrong with you? You're a fucking piece of shit.

And it's like, okay, yeah, I know. The, yeah, I watched, that is,

that's delightful. I watched, you know, it sucks for her sparring partners, but, I, I watched, what the fuck's the movie you told me to watch?

Parasite last night. Sick, right? Great movie. I knew you'd love it. Great. Yo, Trump daddy hated on it. What was his, oh, they made fun of Kim Jong-un, of course. True.

That was, yo, they threw fucking shots at Kim Jong-un. If you were South Korean, you would fucking hate North Korea. Dude, first of all, that's embarrassing. Is this a guy with nukes pointed at you all day, every day? It's also embarrassing to be the dictator of half of a country. If you're like the Supreme Lord, how can't you conquer the other half of your country? I was watching that like, dude, that's got to chap his fucking ass. They're like, what about South Korea?

He's like, well, fuck them. We'll get that. Don't worry. We'll get it back. Don't we're gonna get that minute god damn it give me a minute like south korea just rules compared like you're in you're like lording over third world country dude they have like a literal somehow they've just kept this weird monarchy to where like korea yeah like and everyone's just like all right i guess well it's not really somehow yeah true i'll tell you how ty is top shata yeah he's been lighting people up he's a rude boy he's a rude boy dude but it's big time rude boy it's also like that must be so weird like they literally shit on him in that movie yeah start mocking him and fucking with him and dude he you know he watched it he

probably has it a fire stick he probably has the only fire stick in korea it was like oh you probably saw that just angle the missiles was like dude fuck this angle yeah all day long you should have seen trump daddy talking shit on parasite though what was he saying he was just like you know he's giving a speech in like color something. He's like, the movies today, they're giving an award to a different country. They're not even from here. Shit like that. They didn't put America first, I guess. Yeah, that's what he was pissed about.

Wow. Yeah. That's fucked up, actually. That movie ruled. That movie is so fucking good. Yeah. I'm with him, though. That's bullshit, dude.

You don't like it? Dude, we can't have our movie awards leaving this country. Yeah, we can't. We're losing too many jobs but yeah we can't we're losing too many jobs dude we can't lose art house films dude we need movies to be made in america for sure yeah i yeah i'm gonna ask amazon for my money back true that's obviously bezos dude and the fucking oh i read a thing about you know the rock that was the kid got was you know i didn't even think about it when I watched it. Like when it was floating. It's like, oh, so the rock's hollow and is empty.

When did it float? When the house flooded. That's how he survived getting fucking cracked in the head. Because the rock was just a piece of shit. Oh. Wasn't it underwater at the end, though? No, it was floating on the surface. Oh, it was hollow. Oh. Yeah. Wasn't it underwater at the end, though? No, it was floating, like, on the surface. Oh, it was hollow.

Yeah. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. That's awesome. Just like the dream of upward mobility. It's fake and hollow.

Yeah, North Korea. There was some glaring fucking, you know, the classism that Parasite was taking on. Yeah, they're awesome. The metaphors were, like, pretty clear. It's like they're in the basement. Parasite was taking on. Yeah, they're also... The metaphors were, like, pretty clear. It's like, they're in the basement, they're trying to come up,

shit like that. But they could have done it if they weren't idiots. They chilled and, like, not pigged out and got drunk in the house. That, dude,

that might be the best sex scene I've ever seen in a movie. Oh. Where he just fingers her in pajamas and gets a handjob on the couch while his son's in a teepee oh dude get me going yeah that definitely tainted the porn searches dude really for sure

at night or at least that was nice just in front of just a shitty family under the table while you're getting a handy dude so he's like counterclockwise nipple rub i'm like dude i forgot about nipple play i gotta got to bring that back. True. Dude, I used to adhere to strict nipple techniques of like, all right, I'm going to do this. Now it's like I don't even think about it. Really? I got to bring my shit back. I'm a big nipple guy.

I'll go right after your nipples. Sucking nipples. Love sucking nipples. Love sucking nipples. I'm talking like, let me lick my finger and hit. Dude, when I was in seventh grade, I would work nipples like they were like. Like clits? Yeah, I'd be like, oh my God i'm fine this is fucking she's gonna come

yeah that but yeah parasite fucking ruled that was good that was really good i was happy i saw that happy i saw ladyboys in thailand episode gender whatever the dude the one with the fucking father and son ladyboys is one of the funniest episodes that was when the guy starts a bar that was pretty good too true he starts the bar and he's like hey i'm just down here living the good life he's a chad dude he's a jack bro dude when they tease there's always an undertone though i mean for those two episodes where they like kind of tease their ladyboy girlfriends they're like he goes to the beauty show and she's like what do you think about these girls he was like i love you babe you're the most pretty you're obviously the prettiest and they're like they're always like she wants to get married but what's the point

yeah government doesn't let men marry each other and i'm like jesus dude that's fucking what do you think about that ladyboy pageant ladyboy pageant was dang that was a good badge that was a great well it's funny too as a lady ladyboys are basically like comedians yeah where it's like if you're like bottom of the barrel people like fucking loser yeah if you ascend everyone's like yo that's that's the pride of our country yeah like i'm proud dude that's fucking tight and they have buddhism so it's like it's not being a lady boy is not a big deal if you don't take care of your family that's when it's fucked up so if you lb out and get paid it's like people are like good for you yeah I mean... Yeah, the fact that they were, like, becoming LBs to, like, feed their village.

Yeah. Pretty honorable. Dude, it's the most honorable thing. You gotta suck a British, dude. Dude, and that's the... When they come... When they go to the villages of the family, that's the most awkward thing, dude.

When they're like, yeah, most of these relationships are just kind of, like, thinned out or whatever these guys are getting taken advantage of, but that's not what it's like for me, though. And it's like, yeah, sure. Maybe not. Yeah.

Maybe not. Why don't you bring that UNICEF bag of rice over here? They're not like this whole village isn't using you. He's like, all I do is loan a little nine thousand dollars and start the ball. That's it. Now I just relax. Yeah. Yeah, dude.

That's like an unattainable fortune you brought over there. You set you set up like a dynasty. A couple of ladyboys had braces. It's like, damn, that's a come up. Titty jobs, bro. That was tight. The one who got the titty job in the second episode. Yeah, that's like bar mitzvah.

That's a big deal. They're coming out. That's a lot of frolicking, dude. A lot of frolicking. A lot of beach frolicking. I didn't like that because I was watching it to laugh and then every once in a while I'd be like,

oh man, that one's pretty good. It's one of those things that's like a brain warp where you're just kind of like... Yeah, of course. Okay, and then I get into the... Like when I'm like in an apartment, just taking dumps, farting,

all that stuff. I get into the real nitty gritty of it. Yeah, that's when you start to realize this might be a bit of a lady man. The reality check, yeah. He's dumping hard. Even if, like, dude, people can call it whatever you want.

Exactly. You can be like, no, that's a woman. It's like, well, seeing a woman fart like that will throw me, you know what I mean? Dude, what do you do when they're moving stuff? Oh, yeah.

When they're moving stuff in the apartment, like, come on, you strong girl. I see it. And I'm like, that's where my brain just, it statics out. And I'm like, because I static between man and woman in my head. So, come on, you strong girl. I see it. And I'm like, that's where, like, my brain just, like, it statics out. And I'm like, because I static between

man and woman in my head. Yeah. So I'll be like, woman. I'll see, like, veins coming out, moving forearms. I'm like, dude, dude, dude. And it's like,

it's hard, dude. It's my cross I have to bear. True. I get, like, the fucking, like, the Matrix vision. It's like, and I, like, see, like, a dude. I'm like,

shake it off. When they do the... What, like, the Matrix vision where he sees, like, actual planet Earth and it's, like, all shitty and'm like, shake it off. When they do the- Like the Matrix Vision where he sees actual planet Earth and it's all shitty and falling apart. He's like, oh. Yeah, man. That's tough, dude. That's tough stuff. Yeah, especially over there.

I bet those toilets are- Every country I've been to, the toilets just suck, dude. England was the same. You dump, dude. It's just turd on porcelain. There's no water. That sucks, dude. It's just turd on porcelain. There's like no water. That sucks, man. It's wild.

Yeah, you come in on your LB girlfriend just like feet on the toilet bowl taking a dump, hovering over. It's like, what the fuck is this? Like a cat.

You ever see when a cat learns how to use a toilet? That's how LBs dump. Did you watch the debates? No. They were pretty funny. I heard they're... I saw the highlights.

Bloomberg just got rocked. Who, Minnie? Yeah, Minnie Mike just got murdered. He doesn't even call Minnie Mike anymore. He calls her Minnie, which is so fucking funny. Minnie's out, dude. He might as well support Minnie. Yeah, he...

You'll see. I think Trump will start to support Minnie. He did. He said, he goes, I hope... He said something like... He made fun of him, basically. Yeah. Just being like, I hope he wins, because, oh, my God, if that's how he debates, dude,

this is, like, crushed him. Well, that's because it's like what he did last time with Bernie, where he was like, Bernie should win. Yeah. You guys are fucking him over, because I think he knew the Democrats were going to do that. This time, I don't know if they can. I don't think so. It seems like Bernie has to win.

Warren was fucking trying to ether everybody, dude. It was pretty funny. Yeah, they even played the music. Oh, yeah. I saw that. I saw that clip. Well, yeah, he apparently, that's the thing, too, man. He obviously doesn't realize in American politics,

if you get caught making fun of a lady, like calling her a horse-faced lesbian, you have to pin it to a famous, like, he could have been like, yeah, I was talking about ellen degeneres everyone's like yeah that's what trump did he should watch the tapes trump did that at a republic well there were republicans there this was just a dnc he couldn't he couldn't be like only rosie o'donnell that was only rosie well dude that i swear to god i i've said this before i don't understand like if they're not going to like fact check in real time what's the point of the debate i don't i've been saying

on stage if i was a democrat i'd be begging to get rid of the debates yeah it's the only thing trump has yeah he's gonna fuck up whoever they bring he just eats him up dude put him in a mixed crowd dude and people are just like, it's so funny, too. He's going to be getting booed heavily. Trump dog? Yeah. Please. He loves the boos, bro.

Yeah, but it'll be half cheers. If somebody boos, then somebody that loves Trump next to him will scream louder. Yeah, that's true. Come on, Trump, get him. Come on. Get that Jew. I was wondering if there was some Jew beef between Bloomberg and Sanders. At one point, you heard him whisper off mic.

He's like, you mean a fucking Jew, bro? What the fuck is this? What the fuck is this? Yeah, I don't know. Sanders is so Jew-y about hating money that it's just kind of like, what the fuck? What's going on? Wait, what? He has a whole talk so Jew-y about hating money. It's just like, what is this?

We have too much money here. Like, what? What? All right. Well, it's just... What? Huh? Wait.

Yo, chill, chill, chill. What are you doing? What are you doing over there, bro? Dude, I'm all Sanders. You've been talking too much to Billy, bro. I'm all Sanders. I haven't... I've been dark, dude.

I haven't talked to anyone. I called Billy today. My dad's 1% Jew. Excuse me. I know. I forgot. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Excuse me. My brother's arabic dude i'm voting for sanders dude 100 i checked this dude people are there's this guy on twitter who was like little simple arithmetic uh bernie sanders doesn't understand and it was like if you tax things 50 and like you know if that person's making 30 000 a year then you give them 15 minimum wage and then tax that at 50% it puts that person back down to making like like nine bucks an hour but it was like you don't tax until you hit the specific bracket so that person's income would be taxed at whatever was over that

and this guy's like it's a little simple arithmetic and everyone's like fucking idiot it's like 80% I would say no I would honestly say 75% of people don't know how the tax code works. I just learned last year. When they're like 50% tax, it's like 50% tax on over $100,000. So if you made $120,000, you're going to get taxed on that $20,000, and they're going to take a little bit. So when people were like, fucking idiot. Damn, dude.

How pissed would the listeners be if they found out we were both Bernie bros, dude? Big time Bernie. I'm Yang Bernie. Yang gang. gang now yang gang's out dude see the thing is i hate the people that are so outwardly in love with bernie that's all it's just that's all facade give me fucking health care give me free fucking health care health care is big dude i don't care i don't give a fuck about anything else people hit you with like oh dude i i've had people message me and be like dude i mean i hear what you're saying i hope you're not serious here's a whole paragraph from the drudge report and it's like bro i don't care i don't yeah i don't care at all i mean this i want if i can

get some free health care that'd be pretty sick uh and another thing that was funny my dad was trying to hit me with that he was like well then he's gonna how do you feel you just paid off your student loans how do you feel about that now everybody doesn't have to i'm like yep yeah that's how that goes. Let it roll. I'll be all right. Let it roll. Just because I paid, I'm not going to be like, everyone should pay.

True. Oh, I ain't no bitch. No. Also, it's like, give me a thousand bucks. Can't get that. What else can I get? Healthcare? Okay.

Give me that. Give me that. True. But now that we're both staunch capitalists and making bread. True. Maybe we should switch over. Yeah, we might get dropped by Hal Burton, dude. Our sponsor, Hal Burton, might drop us, dude. True. We're still poor enough that Bernie would making bread. True. Maybe we should switch over. Yeah, we might get dropped by Hal Burton, dude. Our sponsor, Hal Burton, might drop us, dude.

True. We're still poor enough that Bernie would still help us. Well, that was funny. The first year with the Patreon money, we're like, we're fucked, dude. We're going to get crushed. We're not going to pay taxes. We looked it up.

It was just basically a garbage man salary. Yeah, neither of us really made that much money. That was funny. Yeah, I thought I was so rich. Dude, I was like, dude, we're going to get the IRS is going to take everything. And I like added the numbers up for 2019.

I was like, all right, we're probably going to make money. School teachers make a little more. That was funny. We are the cast is cast ascending now. Yeah, I'm talking politically. I'm not endorsing anybody, bro.

The only person I endorse is Yang, dude. I vote with my wallet, bro. That's it. What works out the best financially for me, that's how I vote. Yeah. What else? What the fuck are you doing otherwise? I don't know.

Maybe for the benefit of the country, what if all this mumbo-jumbo socialism crushes America? What do you think of that? How's it going to crush us? Matt, I don't that? How is it going to crush us? Matt, I don't know. How is it going to crush us? I don't know anything. I'm probably not going to vote. Dude, I'm telling you, I've never done it in my life.

I'm going to go out. I'm definitely going to hit the polls. Dude, I told you what I did, right? For one week, you become a full-fledged hippie liberal, bro. No, dude, so I could vote wherever I want. I just said I'm homeless, bro. That way I can go wherever I want and vote. Really? Yeah. Now I could vote wherever I want. I just said I'm homeless, bro. That way I can go wherever I want and vote.

Really? Yeah. Now I'm not homeless, though. I was homeless for a week while it happened, so technically. Yeah, I think I would have to vote. I was thinking about moving. I was like, basically homeless. I think I would have to vote in PA. Yeah, so if you register homeless, you can vote wherever you want.

Yeah. That's how you mobilize the troops, dude. Trump wants to keep me from the fucking polls, dude. Yeah, dude. They're trying to redline us. Excuse me? No. Not going to happen.

I'll probably get arrested tonight for registering on this. Yeah, dude. England was all right. English people are... They all right. Yeah. I fucks with them. I like English people.

I never really fucked with them. I fucked with one English guy one time. Yeah? How'd it go with that? He was cool. He was cool as's cool as fuck i was in brazil oh nice we chilled yeah he was tight yeah the way they talk fucking annoys me though everybody thinks they're clever just the way they talk everybody like speaks in like a i don't know how to describe it like shakespeare stuff yeah it's like uh No matter what The conversation It has to be like

Some weird like It continues this way Won't be much left To show for it You know Like something like that Yeah Where it's just like

How about you just say This sucks Yeah Instead there has to always be Like a witty fucking Remark Like the rich turn Yeah like the turn of phrases

Are really kind of Yeah But we went to The first night we were there We went to Chelsea vs. Man U It's fucking sick dude soccer yeah i was as gay as soccer is on tv live dude that shit i mean i played football but yeah i hear you you guys have fun what do you mean you play i'm more of a football player like what i i hold down football over soccer like i'm in seventh grade i remember seventh grade you hear people play soccer you're like pussy oh yeah yeah

bitch i still hold it down like well american american soccer players are fucking foot fairy dude yeah i'm a football player dude look dude i feel you did you boo them the whole time like no they were like apparently we were sitting in a section that like if they would have found out we were cheering for united we got in fight, which would have been pretty funny. We went to a bar afterwards, and they have security outside of the bar. But we went to a Chelsea bar after the game, after the match. Pardon me. Yes, yes. Pardon me.

After the match. On the pitch. Head down to the pub, isn't it? How was that? The pub, I suppose it was all right. A couple of points with the lads. But we went in there. Before we went in, they have security out front to make sure no away fans come because i guess away fans show up and try to fight

the home team so they'd like these bouncers out front that were like you chelsea boys and we were like uh no we really don't care he was like so you don't support chelsea i was like yeah we support him he's like all right go ahead like you had to at the yeah he was like okay we can drop this facade that we're like maximum security here i was like no we're from america we just we're just hanging out yeah that's funny but he was like are you chelsea boys trying to get us to be all right on he almost ordered you by the peaky blinders they all ordered by peaky blinders like by order of the chelsea boys you know that ain't have a point uh so we got in there just a bunch of dads just chelsea dads dude it's not as like hooligans as you thought well they took an l to nothing at home the the menu fans were so fucking funny dude there was we were right next to the menu section

and it's they literally section it off like the whole staircase and in front of their section is all security. Like, you can't get near them because they fight. Jesus Christ. And these dudes, it's because they don't have guns, dude. True, yeah. England, this is, look, everybody shits on us for having guns. You can avoid all these dumb fist fights. True.

Because the idea that, oh, yeah, maybe if we go to that pub, somebody's going to have a gun. We probably shouldn't do that. Someone's going to shoot our fucking ass. Yeah. That's not bad. There you go. Yeah, a little Second Amendment coming right at you.

What is their black eye rate over there? How many black eyes can people get over there? It's got to be crazy. So is it socially acceptable to go into work with a shiner on your eye and be like, got in a fight at the match? Oh, I was down at the Chelsea match. Lost 2-0, didn't I your eye and be like got in a fight at the match oh I was down at the Chelsea match lost 2-0 didn't I

and then I suppose got in a fight alright bit of a dust up down at the pub on a Tuesday a bartender let in the Chelsea boys

couple of Chelsea boys came in got in a fight with them nothing bit of a dust up dude all the bars closed at like fucking 11

why I was furious. I had no idea. They're probably going to the town square to fight, dude. I don't know what was going on. But yeah, it was the same thing. They probably adjusted their Jeffcaps, dude, and marched to cool music. We're going down to Fort United.

Did you slice anyone with your Jeffcap? I fucking had several. I sliced a Connie a couple times. It's like, ah! Yeah, at the one game, we went to Tottenham versus, oh, the Germans were fired up, dude. Really? It was fun to watch a bunch of Germans chanting.

I was like, ooh. They get rowdy, dude. I bet. So it was this German team at Tottenham. And again, the section is just Germans. It's so much so that you can't even walk through that part of the stadium. Yeah. We got in, and our seats were on the other side of them and we're like can we please it's just one more door and they're like you can't go through here you have to walk the whole way around the stadium why would you get to your seat you could have said you're a german fan what's the

problem you have to get tickets you have german fan tickets yes yeah oh yeah bro that's weird well i guess dudes would yeah they would lie and be like yeah i'm just passing through and then they'd run in flick everybody off and start a fight yeah that's hilarious pretty fun especially just for soccer yeah true it's a bunch of like hot dudes with cool haircuts running around yeah it's just a bunch of fat english dudes that all look like phil up in the stands like oh fuck, fuck you, you fucking wanker. Yeah, that is so funny because I can still remember going home from basketball practice in my friend's dad's car and his dad being like, can you believe he wants to play soccer?

He's a fucking foot fairy, dude. He's being furious. Now over there, it's like that's as cool as it gets. As cool as it gets, as tough as it gets. Do you bring a club? Do you carry a club with you at all? Are you allowed to carry a bludgeon? I don't know.

I think they're pretty strict against knives there, too. Yeah, I think you carry a blunt object in England. Yeah. Like a pipe or a pole. Yeah, a bit of a pipe. Go down, fight some of the Chelsea boys, if need be. But yeah, the best part was Man U versus Chelsea, the Manchester United fans. go down fight some of the Chelsea boys if need be but yeah the best part was

Man U versus Chelsea the Manchester United fans the whole time they're just talking shit like crazy amounts of shit and then Man U scored first so they were all

they do this with their hands like a jerk off symbol they're like oh you fucking whack fuck it's great when the other team scores or their team scores

that's how they talk shit to each other from across the stadium and then they're all just jerking off they all air jerking off like fuck you and so Man When the other team scores or when their team scores? That's how they talk shit to each other from across the stadium. They're all just jerking off. They're all air jerking off like, fuck you. So then Chelsea scored. So all the Chelsea fans were like, oh, fuck you, you pussies, in your fucking face. But then they looked at the replay and took it off the board.

So then all the Man U fans stood back up and were like, oh, you fucking wankers. It was pretty great. That was hilarious. Yeah, it was fun the whole time. Went to see Chappelle. That was fucking sick. That was hilarious. Yeah, it was fun the whole time. Went to see Chappelle. That was fucking sick. In London? Chappelle was performing in London. What?

Pretty tight. How was that? Pretty sick. Nice. A little VIP treatment. Got to meet the dog. Did you really? Say no more.

I'll say no more. That's awesome, dude. Smoking fags with Dave Chappelle. Oh, you had to smoke cigarettes? Not so bad, is it? I suppose. That's awesome. Yeah, man. Smoking fags with Dave Chappelle. Oh, you had to smoke cigarettes? Not so bad, is it? I suppose. That's awesome.

Yeah, bro. How was the show? It was so funny. Fuck. Dude, he's like, it's crazy how funny he is. Yeah, he's a monster. Yeah. Just saying whatever.

Talking shit, dude. Doing his goddamn thing. It's good to watch. It's nice to see, dude. Doing his goddamn thing. It's good to watch. It's nice to see, dude. But then the fucking flight, you know, the flight there, I fucking balled out. Dude, did I show you? I showed you that. It was like IMAX, dude. This shit looked crazy.

I got first class on this flight there, and it was like a bed. It was so sick. And then the flight back, I got fucked, dude. How was going back to coach? Not great. Not great. Damn, you should have pissed in that bed. You're allowed to. You're allowed to, technically. You have to wet the. Damn, you should have pissed in that bed. You're allowed to.

You're allowed to, technically. You have to wet the bed. You can shit and piss in bed. You got to tell the pilot. You got to knock on the cabin door and be like, I'm going to wet the bed. Can I stay with you guys? The ride got bumpy. Dude, have you got into that Twitter beef between the dude from Barstool Sports and

the other hockey player? Oh, my God. Carcillo? Yeah, dude. Dude, he was a flyer. He was a Philadelphia flyer. He was a bully. He was a Broad Street bully, dude.

Did you get into the allegations levied against him? I think I saw, or you told me. Dude, they were going ham on each other. What were the allegations? Start from the top. So the one guy, I don't know, the hockey guy who works at Barstool, his name's like a well-known name if you follow hockey. I forget the guy's name.

He made comments about it. It was Wayne Gretzky. It wasn't Wayne. It wasn't Lindros. It wasn't LeClaire. Somebody else. I don't know who it was. But he's on Barstool, and he was talking about,

maybe I don't know what he does, but he was talking about one of his coworkers as like a sports commentator and was basically like yoshi's hot oh that's jeremy ronick that was ronick yeah ronick was the one who said his co-host was hot yeah he got fired for it okay he was at nbc and he got fired because he made some comments on a barstool podcast. It's called Spitting Chicklets. Was there another host? Jeremy Roenick was the one who got fired. Was there a host of that podcast who's an ex-hockey player?

Yeah, I forget who it is, though. But he was talking about it. So that guy was talking a mess. I forget his name. Dude, did you hear what Roenick said? What? It was nothing. Roenick got fired because he was on that podcast.

And he was like, he went to Portugal fired because he was on that podcast and he was like he went to portugal with his wife and his co-host because his co-host this lady is like best friends with his wife yeah like they're friends they were on a trip together the three of them and he was like yeah walking around the hotel with these two hot blonde chicks like everybody working there was kind of looking at me like damn dude are you fucking both of them and i was like yeah yeah that's what he got fired for really yeah well didn't she say basically like yeah i can't believe he would like say that did she i don't know again i'm i'm just i'm gonna tweet storm dude so i don't know i think yeah maybe she was she might have been like yeah it's upsetting or somebody else did i don't know but

the uh so car silly comes on the scene he's like dude disgusting it's disgusting disgusting he's like it's fun he comes up with all the shit like this is disgusting this is you know misogyny and then someone from barstool not the dude who got fired this other guy this other hockey player was like bro i think they had back and forth and then finally this dude leaked the dos on car it was like you want me to this das tough one bro let me hear the das it's like so he come he uh so he got accused of being an n-word user but he goes so he goes uh first of all i thought i thought that's what they chanted in hockey i thought like one two three yeah definitely so he comes out and he's like so this guy cues like n-word user um saying a bunch of other stuff and then also that he used to at one point wear a robe

under his hockey garment with swastikas on it so the dude comes out on he does like a twitter apology he's like i would like to say that uh yes i uh his allegations of me using uh the n-word are correct and i apologize but i'd like to give some context uh you know we would joke around a lot and and he actually would say it all the time and uh he called me a uh a dumb and he would say he would make fun of himself saying I'm a dumb n and I joined in on that a couple times like dude what and then he's like talking about all the other stuff and he was like uh as far as the uh wearing a robe with swastikas on it, I just continue to deny that. He's like, no, I never did that.

What a great accusation. Dude, first of all. Under your uniform, you wore swastikas. He said his coach, according, again, this is all allegations. The dude who slid the DOS, his buddy said that their coach was like, bro, chill. You can't have a swastika robe under your thing. In hockey back then, a hockey coach was like, bro, chill. You can't have a swastika robe under your thing. In hockey back then, a hockey coach was like, bro, too far. Too far.

Too far, dude. Again, these are allegations. You know, I think the bit's good. I think you got a good bit going, but maybe, you know, take it easy on the swastikas. Maybe tuck it in or something at least. Take it in. Yeah, dude. I mean, dude.

I mean, dude, how funny would that be? Just rolling around on the ice being as racist as possible. Oh, yeah, man. You could get away with it for a while. You have a fucking clan hood. Until P.K. Subban showed up. True. And now everyone's like, yo, chill, chill, chill. Put the fucking swastika robes away.

Hide the swastika robes, dude. Yeah. Imagine how charged up on the ice you are looking at swastikas you have Nazi paraphernalia on the ice watch some Carcillo highlights dude he was a beast

yeah man he was a beast I think his he's against he was a goon yeah he was big time goon he's against concussions now

I bet he's pissed about that he was a goon dude yeah man he's lucky that there was a position that like dealt concussions.

That was his job. Yeah. He wouldn't have been in the NHL if it wasn't for his ability to hit people in the head. To make them fuck them up. It was like, oh, we can't. It's like the point of a goon is to protect your best players. So if somebody hits your best player, they put out a retarded guy like Carcillo wearing all swastikas, and he goes and beats the shit out of you.

It's also such a funny game that you can just fist fight in the middle of it and they're like, hey, get over here. Come on, knock it off, boys. You got to sit down for five minutes. You can't just fist fight. Dude, if I fist fought somebody in a game,

it'd be crazy. I'd show up to their house later. Yeah, I'd be in the penalty box scream crying. Thank you, motherfucker. You fucking hit me in front of all these people. He fucking started it. Oh, my God. Yeah, I'd be nerd raging the whole time, dude.

Dude. If I got a fist fight during a game, I got, like, kneed once when I was on the ground. Like, I remember it was, like, the first play I got in varsity my sophomore year the first scrimmage against halifax dude watch out that's a good program no that's some boys up in the mountains that's some white trash from up in the mountains good wrestlers they are good wrestlers yep there's one dude that was that played like uh you know it was one of those things where they just had like a 16 year old playing peewees nice you just fuck us up every year and and then it came out. He was like old.

Old as fuck. But no, there would be, but there's one dude, I remember the first play, he like, I was like on my, I was like on all fours, like towards the end of the play, and he fucking kneed me. I immediately started like, I was like, he fucking kneed me. Spaz, huh? Yeah, dude. Yeah.

Yeah, I got punched. If I get in a fight, I spaz. Yeah, I got punched in the eye in rugby. Some dude in the middle of the play just went pop and just hit me in the eye. And I was like, what the fuck? Really? Some bullshit, dude. Yeah, I got called for a clip in this one game.

And I almost cried in the huddle. That'll happen. It was like a big game. I was all fired up. I got called. There was a big play. I got called back because I clipped. And I was in the huddle like, when the fuck kind of calls that?

Like, relax, dude. Okay. Yeah, if I strike out in baseball, I was like. I mean, that's a guaranteed cry. Squeezing tears back. Oh, that's a guaranteed cry, bro. My family's here. Everybody saw how gay I am.

My Aunt Kathy's here. Not in front of my aunt, you piece of shit, bitch bitch that ball was really close to me it's unfair i swang out of fear dude i fucking sucked at baseball baseball is the hardest sport in the world how did baseball players not get called gay before soccer because they're like yeah first of all i got mark mcguire hard at the doctor recently told me my bmi was too high i'm like dude mark mcguire's technically obese dude you know something called muscle mass you know a little something called muscle mass dude dude doctors sent me back i like i thought they hit you with a fat dos yeah basically they literally come in with the dos oh they're like

sir you're fat it's like god damn it he's like yeah your bmi is up there a little bit and i was like yeah i mean i fucking yeah i live sorry i He's like your BMI's up there a little bit And I was like yeah I mean I fucking Yeah I'm thick sorry Obviously I fucking lift Like you know Not all of us can be soft hand fucking doctors dude True It's like some of us gotta get out and fucking

You should have done that You should have been like Let me see your hands real quick Yeah I felt them I shook hands Pretty soft I shook hands I was like ugh Some guy did that to me once

When I was selling bathtubs Oh fuck I like shook his hand And he was like He got those office hands And I was just bathtubs. Oh, fuck. I shook his hand, and he was like, he got those office hands, and I was just like, whoo! Oh, my God, dude.

You were slaying in tubs? Yeah. And he fucking... Dude, this guy lived like, it was like him in a shack in Dillsburg with like eight cats. Just a lunatic. That he was out on like disability. His back got hurt from like

operating a tractor for too long. You're going to sell him a $6,000 accusation? Yeah, like a $48,000 walk-in shower. I was like, oh, your back's fucked up? Here's all your money. Please, buy this shower. But yeah, right when I shook his hand, he was like, oh, you work in an office, huh? And I was just like, damn, bro. Shit.

How'd you feel about that? It stuck with me today. That was like a decade. Take the sandpaper? That was so long ago It definitely He's in my head Every once in a while I'm like Fuck

I gotta look at my own hand And be like I'm gay Oh my god Yeah that was an He fucking destroyed me Damn Obviously I didn't get the sale

So I just got I went to some dude's house He was like You're a pussy I was like Alright see ya You're on the sidewalk Just rubbing your hands holy fuck i got home to my girlfriend i was like babe do you think my hands are too soft that's a tough one to judge with base because like

they'll complain if your hands are too rough they'll be like your hands are rough my hands are so soft if they're too soft there's women who claim that like nah soft hands where it's at there were some women were like no they're like soft, there's women who claim that, like, nah, soft hands are where it's at. And there were some women who were like, nah, bro. They like a good rough. A little rough hand. Yeah, like those paws getting off. You can't. No third base, dude.

You think you can touch nipples like that? Like the dude did? True. My hands go in between. I got right now, I have, you know, I got some leather on my hands, dude. But not like, when I shake hands with, like, my uncles and shit who actually do construction all the time, same thing. I not like when I shake hands with my uncles and shit who actually do construction all the time. Same thing.

I feel like such a pussy. Yeah. I feel my hands feel like they have aloe vera all over them. And I shake. Their hands are just chapped. Oh, man. It's like touching sand. You're like, oh, Jesus Christ.

Yeah. It's tough. But yeah, that was... God damn. That job was fucking hilarious, though. This one time, I walked in and this guy had birds. Because you would just go to people's houses. Yeah.

This dude had birds flying around. I was like, I got to get the fuck out of this. What was your territory? Everywhere. Seriously? Like a huge territory, and I didn't make any money. Didn't sell any tubs? I sold one tub, and it got like retracted.

Like 70 bucks after like three months working yeah but uh nuts you ever get into like the network like the mechanics of a network like marketing scheme no they're pretty nuts dude yeah i'd imagine someone someone was talking the ones in philly the first that job i got right when i moved here was just purely that oh yeah there was a bunch of those because i was looking for jobs here, and every job was like that. Like, are you ready for a cool business opportunity? It's just young people. Fast-paced.

And it's like, we hang out, we get drinks afterwards, but the whole, you know. Yeah. Yeah, it's all about taking people off of their Comcast plan and getting them an introductory rate. Yep. That was it. It's a pretty tight hustle. Yeah, it's a weird hustle. Those dudes that do it are weird. Oh, dude. They're soci introductory rate. Yep. That was it. It's a pretty tight hustle. Yeah, it's a weird hustle. Those dudes that do it are weird.

Oh, dude, they're sociopaths. Yeah. They're literal sociopaths, dude. Yeah, you just trick poor idiots. They're like giving you 200 bucks, and you're like, all right, well, here's a fucking, here's light fraud you can commit. Yeah. Hey, the person with the best sales gets to go to Sandals.

Whoa. Dude, imagine cleaning up on the fucking Comcast things within like a Walmart and then hitting Sandals afterwards. That's actually pretty tight. Dude, imagine cleaning up on the fucking Comcast things within a Walmart and then hitting sandals afterwards. That's actually pretty tight. Dude. Pretty tight. Wait, were we talking about... Somebody hit me off. It was so funny.

A dude, I think he's either Canadian or Australian. I forget. He works at a bowling alley. We were talking about working in the back of one of those. He's behind the pins? Yeah, he works in the back. He's like, I take naps whenever I want. Just like, yes, man.

Yeah. I guess no one, yeah, it's one of those things where it's like being an IT guy. Like, nobody understands what you do. You're pretty much, they're at your mercy. Yeah, no one can figure it out. These pins, man, this is a, on a 7-10 split, sometimes it throws it into chaos. Yeah, man. You gotta sit back.

Yeah, that's true. Yeah, you can just chill back there. Fuck. Yeah, sick egg. That's pretty tight. But yeah, I'm working on the jet lags. Got me fogged up, boy. Jet lag sucks.

It's hard? I'm all right right now. I got it back. But there was a day on the trip where we slept the whole fucking day. Yeah, to get used to it. It was wild. And then when I got back yesterday, I slept. I have like life lag right now.

I went to bed at like 4 p.m. yesterday. Did you really? Yeah. I figured you checked out early, honestly.m. yesterday. Did you really? Yeah. I figured you checked out early, honestly. Yeah. Figured you tuned out. Yeah.

I have this fucked up sleep schedule right now where I just go to, I take a nap every day at 4 o'clock and stay up until 12 and wake up at 6 and I'm tired all day and I take a nap. I have a headache. I have a splitting headache right now. I just mismanaged my sleep. Just get ready. Your sleep's about to get real fucked up. True, dude.

That's true. That's true. Damn. Matt's about sleep's about to get real fucked up. True, dude. That's true. Damn, Matt's about a week away from being a dad. Potentially, dude. The baby doesn't come late, yeah. Yeah, my, I mean, dude, right now it's mother-in-law just got shoulder surgery. Just came today. Just touched down today. She'll be with us for two weeks.

Pregnant bae. You got the mother-in-law for two weeks? Yeah, dude. With a bad wing yeah with a bad wing bad wing bro floating around so that's like a that's like a 24-hour assistance i'm like putting on britney's pants for her at this point like trying to like because you can only lift your legs so high and that belly gets so big oh man yeah barely lift your legs i could use that for some pants somebody helping me because my belly's in the way. Yeah, so I'm just going like pure butler.

I'm on Jeffrey mode, dude. Just pure butler mode for like until this baby comes and then pretty much forever. Forever after that. Yeah, man. Yeah, it's pretty tight. It's a life of service. Yeah. I take my dogs to the dog park.

That's like my favorite thing. A lot of people leave and I feel real badly about myself. I'm like, it doesn't end. It doesn't end doesn't end oh yeah because everyone hates you at the dog park dude i think everyone hates you a lot of people possibly a lot of people i think everyone outside of the dogs dude i think the rest of the world universally i would say yeah yeah for sure i'm sitting at about a 90 hate rate my. For sure. My tomato meter is fucking low. Whatever the bet, the green. I got a lot of green.

It'd be nice to see those reviews. Just a green splatter. It's like, piece of shit. Fucking asshole. Yeah. Oh, my God. Dude, the... But then there's some 100%s in there.

Some big, ripe tomatoes. For sure. Just like, best thing I've ever... I would die for this. Yeah, fuck the critics, dude. Yes. Dude, the... Yeah, man, it's funny because I just get crushed. I just get, like, constantly picked apart by, like, little bullshit.

Like, why are you doing that? Then her mom comes, and then they just do it to each other. And I just get to just, like, sneak back into the distance, dude. And they just fucking, it's so funny. That's nice. I mean, it's horrible they fight, but it's like, I get, like, a two-week reprieve where I'm just a good guy on both sides, and I'm no i see what you're saying like oh no i get oh yeah yeah she can be a little difficult oh yeah i know what you mean dude it's the hands squawking i get

to chill i get to fall back that's true you need that you need some hands getting involved for the they gotta fight somebody yeah man it's it's i've been absorbing a lot of it now i can just kind of on the way driving getting like what are you doing and I'm on my head I was just like yeah your mom's about to be here

pick your motherfucking ass apart whatever but yeah I could come over to your house every once in a while spar if you want me to just come over and fight your back

just kind of go with her yeah no that'll literally just be a fight it'll be a fight later yeah that's true that's just a fight yeah I'm an extension of you well that'll be a fight later. Yeah, that's true. That's just a fight. Yeah.

I'm an extension of you. Well, that'll be a fight in the bank. Yeah, and later it'll be like, fucking... Yeah, dude. I'm sure you've gotten in a fight on my behalf with her. No, not really. I don't think we've ever really gone at it. No, I've for sure never gotten in a fight with you

or ever fight with her for you. Yeah. No. Yeah. I don't think I've ever. Oh, Andy was the closest I came to fight. Right, right, right.

I forgot about that. That was a good one. That was, that was wild. That was, that was actually really fun. That was fun. That was fun.

That was sick. Yeah, baby. Dude, what else is up? Nothing, man. That's tight.

Oh my God. That fucking customs getting back. JFK was, I've never like hell the personal fucking hell dude what you were you hot you get to england it's just like a picture of you you walk through these machines that like scan who you are and you leave the united states was like dude it was ellis island there's no there was There was no separation between US citizens and anybody else. There must have been a fucking plane straight from Afghanistan right before me. I was just in line with

dozens. It was real. It was Ellis Island. Did you and O'Connor get separated and have to sleep under tinfoil blankets for like two months? He's still in a cage. O'Connor got sent down to Texas. He's in one of those blankets. He's playing soccer on a dirt field right now. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. El Conor is down there, bro. Dude. El Conor? El Conor is down there. But yeah, I was like,

it's crazy how bad. And the whole time I was like, I can't wait to get back to the United States. The United States fucking rules. As soon as we touched down, I'm in JFK's customs.

I'm like, good lord. You got right to 1984 mode, I'm in JFK's customs. This is 1980. You got right into 1984 mode. I was like, there was one dude. There was at one point just one guy for a line of probably like 400 people. And each person was taking about five minutes. Just one-on-one. Fuck.

It was crazy. Asking questions and shit. Yeah. That's usually like a five-person, five-worker operation. Yeah. I always used to go into those and be like real sketchy for some weird reason because I'd have like a weed gummy leftover. That's fucking hell, dude. Yeah.

Do they ever open up your luggage at all? Yeah, from Canada to England, yeah. Because I had toothpaste. They got me. Careful. Yeah. They take it? No.

They're like, go me. Careful. Yeah. They take it? No. Go ahead. Damn. We need a candidate that can fix these fucking customs, dude. Well, yeah. I mean, customs was fine literally everywhere else.

And then coming back to the United States was pretty gay. Pretty annoying, huh? Yeah. You get real... It's pretty easy to get racist in that line too what happens you

know you're just looking around like what the fuck why am i being treated like i'm not white that's the new racism now it used to be like you would get nervous like flying around dudes in the middle east now if you see like a chinese person cough you're like oh i was thinking that too i was like congratulations asians you're the new Arabs. I saw that. I saw someone with a mask. I saw someone hacking up, and I was like, that's going to be the new thing of like, yo. Yeah. People are going to be scared.

Yeah. Every time I cough, people run away. Yeah, man. If you're Asian, you're getting pulled off. That's trouble. If you're, I mean, dude, it sucks. Have you been to China? It's like, no, I'm from here. It's like, have you been to fucking China, dude it sucks you've been to china it's like no i'm from here it's like have you been to fucking china dude are you lying he picks up their toothbrush made in china explain this where'd you get this from yeah that or if you're

in the office dude you could be you could like be born in san francisco that's what i mean you go into the office and you're like i got a cold everyone's like why don't you take a year off wait till this virus dies down But that's funny We actually have these little masks These little surgical masks Yeah why don't you wear these I'm saying

Come on you guys look good in these You guys are always wearing these Wear it come on That's so funny Guy was wearing a mask Sitting next to me At the At the Chelsea match

A Chelsea boy was wearing a mask During the game Was he really Yeah He was wearing the fucking katana Yeah dude I was like What the fuck. He was wearing the fucking katana? Yeah, dude. I was like, what the fuck, man? He was probably worried about that corona.

Exactly. That might be the only worse thing than the actual virus is having to listen to 40-year-old white dudes joke about beer, being like, I'll tell you what, I'm drinking. I got a bit of the coronavirus this week. I'm safe. I drank Bud Light. I've literally heard nine of those since I've talked. Yeah, that's rough.

Anytime I hear my family, like, how about that coronavirus? That's a Highland joke. Oh, dude. That's his territory, bro. It's the pinnacle. That's the motherfucking pinnacle. Yeah, let's take a break. Yeah, let's do it.

You can slide it out. Yeah, let's break it up. We'll take a break. What up, everybody? Sorry about that. Matt was dancing around. No, we just, yeah. We're going to put the rest of this on the page.

Shane made us go to the page. Look, Matt's already ruined my career once. Matt already took from me the greatest opportunity of my life. No, we'll put the rest on the page. I don't know what is on the page and what's not. Well, we stopped. Definitely Lil Boozy on page. Lil Boozy's paged up.

We stopped. You know, I wish we could have paged for you. Bernie Sanders talks Jew. No, Bernie Sanders is anti-Jew. Yeah. All the Jews are like, what the fuck is this guy doing? True. They're going to nail his ass to a fucking cross, dude.

Christ is the anti-Jew. No, dude. They're going to crucify his fucking ass. No. What? this guy doing true they're gonna nail his ass to a fucking cross dude christ is the anti-jew no they're gonna crucify his fucking ass no what what are you supposed to do all right uh true that is true dude i just love christ excuse me for loving christ i love christ bernie sanders is very christ-like i can't believe we're bernie bros now dude i was a christ i just love Christ. True. Why does everyone never talk about when I'm being like Christ, dude? True.

How about, who do you think is more Christ-like, Bernie or Trump dog? That's a tough call, bro. I know. One of them loves abortion. Christ is the thunder. Because Bernie definitely giving to the poor and all that. Very Christ-like. But toss in that whole abortion thing.

True. That's where Jesus weeps the most. True. And Trump dog hates abortion. He's a bona fide Christian. He's definitely never had anything to do with an abortion. Are you kidding me? How many abortions do you think Trump dog's presiding over?

He probably used to do them himself. The amount of abortions that guy must have, like... Dude, I mean... I hate to put that on somebody, but... You're going to put that on our president, dude. You're going to say that he had an abortion, dude? I would say that the Trump dog has probably had double-digit abortions. Definitely.

They're tough. That's strong. I will say, who's aborting his kid? What do you mean? That's the golden ticket, dude. Yeah, true. You'd have to be a fucking moron to go through with it. I mean, he probably doesn't even get an abortion.

He probably kills them. If you knock up a lady, she's like, yeah, you're going to force me to get an abortion, or I can just have your kid and become a multimillionaire. Yeah. He probably doesn't abort kids. He probably aborts snids. Yeah, he aborts the actual snids.

If you're a billionaire, you can abort your girlfriend. Yeah, true. King Henry VIII, bro. Ultimate. He's probably killed multiples. They're probably making fun. He's a sexual assault. He's like, dude, I've killed my exes, dude.

I've murdered them. Imagine being a billionaire you can kill your fucking whatever i'm not gonna get into it no i like it i don't want to get into it what killing your ex you could i would kill my you could be like let's go to like a wild vacation that my friend owns like the my friend owns an island you can just push her off of a cliff and be like she fell she fucking fucked that was sad you take your wife to such a remote place that you just murder her

I knew a guy whose bay fell off a thing at a hotel on their honeymoon died yeah what did she

fall off of fucking like the hotel dude that would be an evil industry like parasailing if you have second

guesses if you get married too quick and you have second guesses there's like this Jamaican resort you can hit him an extra

like two G's and be like yo cut her fucking line yeah cut that line cut it off she's false oh no you see the fly and watch dude skydiving you can just this would just true just close it down you sign the waivers the waivers are fucking bulletproof. Punch a little hole in that fucking parachute. Nobody knows, dude. What? Nobody knows. Oh, shit, she fell.

That guy just goes... That's a nice little industry we're putting together. We'll murder your bae on a tropical island. Wife murder? Good wife murder on the honeymoon. Oh. That's fucked up because of the guy. Yeah, it's sad.

I think his was actual sad. You would think. That's just such a thing. That like that's just lumen that's crazy but then it's like if your bay falls off a fucking hotel on a honeymoon that's a tough one to come home from that's crazy and you gotta be like i didn't do it oh for people to yeah it's like if your girlfriend like literally fall down the steps got hammered and if your girlfriend would like literally fall down the steps got hammered if your girlfriend fell down the steps sorry my bae's

calling me right now I might fucking I might have to whack her she might be on her way to a fucking parachute trip just double calling me but yeah I was gonna say

something else probably shouldn't even say it anyways about murder well it's not even that bad it's just you can set up the industry with Thailand

where like once you murder your bae you hop on the back of a moped if a lady boy. It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy.

It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy.

It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy.

It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy.

It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy.

It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy.

It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy. It's a lady boy. It might be a tough one to get. If his jet lag is half as bad as mine, it's going to be tough. Also, he's at a wedding right now, dancing, having fun, dude.

Who knows what the O'Connor man is up to. All right, let's do this shit tomorrow.