Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Next Level

Episode Date: April 5, 2020

The walls of the #LakeLife house are thin and chatter is everywhere. Shane grabs some Landsharks and hits the couch for a rather fiery cast. Cusk has been programming hard, but feels off. He misses Shane and Shane misses him. Can they make it through this trying times? There love is strong, but can it withstand this scourge that definitely is NOT a bio weapon sent to destroy us? continuation of ep on patreon @ https://www.patreon.com/posts/35653187  

we're here, dude. We're live. It could crap out at any moment, though. So be ready for that. In these end days, dude, that's all that can be had. The transmission's definitely going to get severed. Sometimes the transmissions are tough, dude. How are you? I miss you. Dude, I miss you, man. I miss you bad.

I fucking genuinely miss you. I was thinking about how fucking sick our life would be right now if we were up in the studio. I know. This is bullshit. We should be ripped in the studio with sick vid for everybody. First of all, what's that behind you now if we were up in the studio i i know this is we should be ripped in the studio with sick vid for everybody first of all what's that behind you up to the top right corner bro what's on that wall where top right corner wooden plaque above the fridge

i don't know a bunch of wine overs oh okay i thought it was uh i thought it was some sort of different calligraphy i was like what the where the fuck are you shane oh you thought it was asian i thought it was mandarin bro i was like yo bro what the fuck yeah they won the chat comps won dude i went full i thought they had you quarantined in china i was like fuck dude you're locked down we gotta get you out oh if i was fibbing everybody about my whereabouts? You're quarantined. I was actually in Wuhan. You are patient zero. No, dude, I got fucking red-pilled hard by Alex Jones this week.

Yo, how – which video did you watch? I just watched the whole – you can watch them all live. Like, the next day, you can watch the full episode. So I just watched the last – What's he on, right? Is he on YouTube? What's, like, what channel? What thing is he on? Band. on YouTube? What channel? He's on Band.Video.

Band.Video, dude. Band.Video. The one of him saying that he knows who Q is and he's giving Q two weeks to come out might be the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. Dude, it's so funny that he's jealous of Q and all the shine Q gets. Everyone's like, dude, Alex

Jones is an Israeli informant. everyone's like dude alex jones is an israeli informant and he's like oh i'm q fucking sick i like it i mean dude to be like to hear about q and be like yeah obviously q sweats the fuck out of me that's like you have to be just the best to be like trying to q is to casually be like you guys don't know who q is i'll tell you who q is yeah i'll tell you who q is right now dude q's on my dick dude just because I'm out here telling the truth because I'm telling the truth Q's afraid the reason people doubt me is because my weapon is truth look dude here's the truth you need to get some fucking zinc and some vitamin d3 that's all you need and some vitamin c and you're you're going to beat this virus.

And it's not even, Matt, I'll tell you something. It's not some natural virus. This is clearly man-made. If you put this under a microscope, you'd be able to see it. It's like seeing tits that have scars. Really? Bro, those are fake. Did you see the thing on?

Oh, the COVID? Come on, man. Did you see the thing on? This thing's fake. This was made. The Chai Combs made this, and it leaked out of their factory it's i mean it's a stage four level containment in wuhan but it definitely it definitely leaked they have leaks all the time whether this was intentional or not this was a bio weapon from the chai comms i don't think it was a note so i i

watched a video on youtube from a guy who had lived in china for 10 years who came back and he was saying that this was an accident but the cover-up is real so they were apparently he's like this is all public records very very real well he was saying you can look up all these records a lady was studying the links between bats and coronaviruses and specifically the transmission from coronavirus from bats to humans and apparently when you isolate a virus according to the video when you isolate well she i think she took her work home and i think probably her husband got into the fridge and fucking was like oh nice it's just much to bat you have a dream job dude researching pizza

here yeah they uh apparently when you when you study a virus you gotta like amp it up a little bit she's like i want to find out if there's a connection between stuffed crust and mozzarella stick just some husband opens opens the fridge finds a container of bats and it's just like perfect it's just a late night snack that's like when my brother used to work at wings to go i was like you have the best job ever dude that is the best job remember when you were young and you thought like being a male porn star would be like the best job if you're like yo that'd be so sick dude a male porn star might be the biggest loser on earth dude except for you know who kills it as a male porn star do you ever get like there's like a whole world of like solo renegade black dudes who it's just their channel and they'll just they just pipe

bait there's one guy yeah yeah yeah no don't get me wrong some of these dudes definitely rule no no you know like you're right most real horrible it's still sad it's so fucking sad the uh i mean imagine you know doing this podcast imagine if this podcast was just me fucking you every week it's like well i'd be fucking you but yes what time it would be 69 but what uh would that be so you'd be on top of the 69. dude there's one guy who all he does is the prone bone where he just he goes in a plank position the girl lays on her stomach and he does basically like a plank and he just rocks it dude his all his videos are hashtag prone bone he has one position wow and he's sensual he's very passionate i like i feel about the sensuality like the

porn stars when it's clearly porn stars like making out while they're fucking i'm gonna it's i love it i need to like i like the amateurs i like the amateurs being sensual true well this this is pretty this is pretty am this is pretty ama this is like this he'll like pull out and like lick up her spinal cord from like her sacrum up to her neck dude it's so funny and then he gets right back into prone bone he has one position dude he has just dry your tongue out you'd have a dry tongue by the time you got to the top of that true like a cat licking you dude hashtag prone bone dude that's the only position from now on look on elbows i don't have time for your junk dude i got red pilled i'm taking the spear again

where do you stand on fluoride there's not even a question matt the government's putting it in there to fucking kill us dude i read an article in the atlantic about fluoride which atlantic is like a you know i suppose like a pretty tempered publication so this guy did a research thing i guess a couple people have done this to make fun of people who freak out about fluoride. And it turns out there's no real scientific consensus. What is it with journalists trying to quell and ruin conspiracies constantly? Because it's cool. I looked up the – yeah, true.

Journalists just ruin everything. Where the fucking Lyme disease came from? Yeah. All right. You ever hear about that? No. Where'd it come from? All right. So there's a, I mean, this is level three stuff. This is mostly animal disease, kind of like figuring shit out. Q-level clearance.

It's light clearance. You and me might be able to get a job there. Just based off this. If our resume was this cast, they'd be like, all right, you guys know what you're doing. It's an animal disease facility on Plum Island. It's off Long Island in New York. It's a military base.

Now, in 2002, I think it was bought by Homeland Security, but it used to be Department of Agriculture. And in 1970, when 1975, I i think when lyme disease broke out it was from like contaminated they're like it's probably from plum island it's in lyme connecticut which is right across the water from there they're like it's probably either from birds or from deer can swim sometimes deer get wild and swim and they think some deer got out of that i think that means deer swam like 40 miles well that's impossible hold on so wait i thought it was from a tick yeah ticks on those deer so the tick from the deer transmitted it to humans

yeah but it was from allegedly it was fromum Island and like government testing on that. Plum Island, is that in China? Yes. It's in China, Long Island. Connecticut, Long Island, China. I'm still laughing about the bats in the fridge. You know, everyone's like, they don't have heart attacks in China. It's like, okay, yeah. But like every now and again, you eat the wrong thing.

You're like. It's like, yeah, they're all natural over there eastern medicine it's like yeah they also fucking like slurp salamander it's just mid think about during the super bowl party someone just lays down a plate of like crawling animals you gotta catch them and eat them you gotta beat the fuck out you gotta neutralize them dude that's pretty dude the um it's like oh they're nice they're bringing out the guinea pigs eat some gerbils at half time that could be how you get so good at chopping planks in half because like imagine you know we can open doritos boxes but imagine if you had to like crack a live crate like a wooden crate every time you wanted to munch dude you'd be like fuck i always fucking open it everywhere you're gonna punch through a wooden crate a bunch

of fucking animals head dude oh dude it's so good dude the fluoride thing is real man i looked into it what is why is it so funny that they eat different things it makes it even more funny that people get upset like you're not allowed to make fun of that it's they're eating funny animals it's funny they're definitely i mean eating a bat i mean ozzy osbourne again he ate a bat never freaked out everyone's like damn that was crazy but if ozzy osbourne eats a bat you can say he's like a twisted weirdo but if a chinese person needs a bat and everyone freaked out. Everyone was like, damn, that was crazy. But if Ozzy Osbourne eats a bat, you can say he's like a twisted weirdo. But if a Chinese person eats a bat, you have to be like, yeah. Well, that's their culture. Maybe all Chinese are just dark, twisted fucking –

Metalheads? Maybe they're just a little twisted, bro. They could be. Maybe they're a little fucking twisted. Maybe they're Black Sabbath. A Breka Sabaru. That's their national anthem. Generals gathered in the masses.

General So. Come on. Chill, chill, chill. None of it's even funny. None of it's even funny. It's just junk, dude. Well, that's pretty funny. General So's gathered in the masses.

It's just junk, dude. Well, that's pretty funny. General Sos, yeah, they're the masses. Yeah, dude, they have no consensus on fluoride, man. At the time of the Manhattan Project, this is, I mean, this is beyond cute. This is all reacted. At the time of the Manhattan Project, they were part of, I guess, enriching plutonium or something. One of the byproducts of the experiments they were doing to make nuclear weapons created a ton of fluoride and it was just it was seeching it was

going into the groundwater and then right around that time they're like fuck this sucks and they're like something came out where all that where there was heavy fluoride from all this activity they're like people have a little bit less cavities there and they're like fuck it run that and they started studying and putting it out but they've looked at these studies retroactively there's thousands of them and by today's standards in terms of like protocol of like the variables and all this stuff like three of them stand up and they're they're vague and shaky so that fluoride salesman must be a hell of a salesman well it was every it was just was just – this shit was leaking into the ground. So they were like, what the fuck are we going to do about this?

Oh, this is good for your teeth. We're actually – we're adding this to your water. It was already in some water. So wait, fluoride's in our water just to help our teeth? Just to help – and it doesn't do – the only thing they say it does, it's a last-ditch effort for people who don't brush their teeth. That's how they rationalize it now. They say, well, yeah, you and I don't need fluoride, but there's some people who are so poor who don't brush their teeth that's how they that's how they rationalize it now they say well yeah you and i don't need fluoride but there's some people who

are so poor they don't brush their teeth and this will help them for all the all their teeth falling out that's it there's that's that's that's all and because you have fluoride in your toothpaste so why would you need to drink it it makes no it makes no sense why they put it in there yeah but the funny thing is apparently everyone used to lose their teeth back in like GW's day in George Washington, 1776. Do you know there was like an illicit tooth,

like a tooth trade? Like George Washington had, he had horse teeth in his mouth. He had, well, he had wooden teeth. He also had some

slave's teeth in there. I saw that, dude. He had some slave's teeth in there. It's no good. Dude, he had a set of dentures

made from his own pulled teeth from donkey and horse up top. He had a cow tooth. And then he had... A couple of some slave's teeth in there. It's no good. Dude, he had a set of dentures made from his own pulled teeth, from donkey and horse up top. He had a cow tooth. And then he had, yeah, slave teeth. He had some slave teeth in there, which is pretty brutal. That's why they make grills, dude, to protect from fucking getting your teeth. From a founding father coming in and snatching your teeth, dude. If your mouth is icy enough, they're like, all right, all right, never mind.

Yeah, that's funny. White people have tooth fairies. Black people have founding fathers come in at night and snatch your teeth, dude. Dude, that could be where the tooth fairy came from. I'll be like, I'll give you 25 cents. On the battlefields back then, dude, they would go for the soldiers. As soon as if someone was dead, if you're on the battlefield, you would pop teeth out of everybody, and you'd go home,

and you'd have mad fucking teeth. You're like, yo, who needs chomps? Damn. Dude, George Washington had a donkey and a cow tooth in his head. That's freaking nuts. GW, dude, my president. I know, the god. That's why everyone's like, sorry, I'm itching my nose.

Everybody's always talking about how stoic and silent he was. It's just like, yeah, he couldn't talk all day. He's like, yeah, I'll do it. He couldn't talk. Everyone was like, wow, man, in a few words. Wow, what a great guy. He had fucking cow teeth and slave teeth. His mouth was, he must have had like a molar in his front buck dude his mouth doesn't make no sense

he's had four canines up front a big cow tooth here it's like fuck dude my nose is just so my allergies my allergies are killing me here yeah you probably had like riffraff you ever see riffraff that's like all all that was fucking that was killing me so maybe fluoride worked do we all have we got some great teeth here in america no it's because we like actually eat and stuff back then they wouldn't eat forever nobody brushed their teeth but then our sugar consumption's up and there's there's they did a study too of countries who never did fluoride

and their cavities and countries who did do fluoride and stopped it no different we for some reason have fluoride in our water it's not apparent as to what it does so maybe they'll stop i don't think so well maybe eventually if yang who's it helping i don't fucking know i mean if you're well if you own a chemical company and you've been selling i mean how much it's just like how many people are in on fluoride probably like 10 dudes are getting rich off the entire country drinking fluoride just for no reason like how much is it probably the price is probably locked in it's just an auto it's just stuff you make they probably don't even put it in anymore they're probably like yeah give us a billion dollars for all the fluoride we put in the water

and like okay cool but yeah that was that was fucking me up dude yeah you gotta figure out plum island bro wait till you look into that so limes they were researching lyme disease i don't know probably they're like how can we take down landscapes there's all these there's all these like how they were like there's all these fucking bio bioweapon facilities that just are terrifying and pointless stay for well yeah i mean dude this if you don't that's the thing too it's crazy this one's not about you know you could say this one's not about although they did say again when you research viruses you have to amp them up so you can kind of observe them better and the thing is they amped up this virus according to this video and then it got someone This one's not about, although they did say, again, when you research viruses, you have to amp them up so you can kind of observe them better. And the thing is, they amped up this virus, according to this video, and then it got, someone got infected.

And the lady that was patient zero, the government of China killed her. And if you go on their website of the researchers, people who had been there for years and left, their bios are still on there besides the one lead researcher who just has totally disappeared. And then a guy came out again saying like, yo, that was she died chinese government cover that up murdered the guy was dead two days later yeah you got it yeah it is a good excuse for an authoritarian government to just be like man this pandemic's really somehow it's just destroying all of our political enemies yeah man i think all of our political enemies have a cult you just go around and kill them well dude and now that so seeing what it's capable of now i mean dude you say okay say this one wasn't a bioweapon bioweapons are coming dude they're fucking coming someone's like oh that's

all we got a virus all right we can get that yeah just start like everyone starts spitting into a bucket. Let's fucking send this shit somewhere. Yeah, biowebs are coming, man. Some senator opens a Ziploc bag of spit like, ew. That's all it did. There's no bioweb. Someone just lands on one person like, this is disgusting. Oh, God damn it. Someone just goes and immediately washes their hands and conquers it yeah man they beat our virus dude another month of this man possibly at the very least lame dude a lot of people get sued as soon as this weather gets

warm people are gonna americans are gonna retaliate americans are gonna party dude they're gonna be like, fuck this. There's no doubt. I mean, dude, how many of you know a dude who has it, right? Yeah, I know two at least. Two dudes who had the Ronis. Both Jewish. Really?

Liberals? Definitely. Say. Yeah, dude, that's what happens. This is a liberal disease. What do you mean? See. I've called this. This disease only affects liberals, dude. All right. Yeah happens this is a liberal disease i've called this this disease only affects liberals dude all right yeah there is a tough i think it was you and me talking about

it where there is definitely a like look at me factor here where those tend to be liberal policies on the internet being like i have it yeah dude i'm actually very sick yeah COVID COVID virtue signaling is so fucking funny you're like my chest started crackling and I immediately took it very seriously and the president didn't get me

actually I saw some dude posted a thing about Louie's special day some dude tweeted about it and was like

I looked at his profile as soon as somebody talks shit I usually just check their profile to see their bio because it's always funny. The bio is always like words I've never heard.

Yeah. Like anytime, if you're gay enough to like type outwardly about like, if you're tweeting against a comedian, yeah, your bio is gay. It's like, I looked at the bio and it's like,

no, it's now it's like him, her, a couple of flags, like a gay flag, a fucking, usually like a Palestinian flag a fucking usually like a palestinian fly like some shit like that and then like uh his was like uh immuno um i don't know he was basically saying he had a weak immune system he was like immuno immunocompromised yes that's in

his fucking twitter bio that's that's a new hashtag for your bio. You can be like, I'm really at risk right now, guys. I'm immunocompromised. You can put that in your bio. I'm immunocompromised, so this is really hard for me. That's his identity now. That's the level of pussy we're dealing with. He was also at gender studies, and he's like fucking 50 years old. Yeah, but in that program, I from coming from that world and those programs

if you don't have a thing that like if you don't have like an oppression tag immunocompromised is up for grabs you know compromise is a good one yeah i'm immunocompromised i'm probably i'm actually my immune system's on fire dude i mean david like me and david this is just salt life dude what you sipping on oh that's salt life, baby. Me and David Icke have the same immune systems. They're just on fire right now. Bro, did I tell you my new plan? What? I can't.

I'm not going to name names, but I'm lake life right now. I got one more week at the lake. I think I might be headed down Arizona way. Might be going desert life. Dude, that's where you need to go. Get in the heat, get in some dry air. I be going desert life dude that's where you need to go get in the heat and some dry air desert life damn you're handing you're handling the sickness like a world war two soldier dude you're just getting out to like a hot dry climate back if you get tuberculosis

they're like yeah you gotta get to arizona you'll be fine i guess you have a chance dude we oh yeah that white trash book we were talking about well you gave me that's great arizona way arizona way nice how funny was it when dudes like like around the mississippi river would just get fucking like uh malaria and then they would all just get like horrible like shakes and fevers like every spring they'd be like that's just what happens in ohio yeah it's just it's like you get the ohio shakes around the springtime it's like oh that was malaria we just thought it was ohio damn dude i'm i'm still on the fence man i'm like you know i what i want to see and i don't it's weird they can track covid but if i'm like well how many people have died from the flu since there's been covid the same time like we don't

have the official data on the flu yet. It's like, okay. Well, the flu is going to be higher, I think, by quite a bit, right? Right now, it isn't. We've only had COVID for a little bit. Motherfuckers are dropping. People are getting fucked up. COVID is fucking people up.

The flu... The number on the flu is like either 29,000 or 70,000 people die a year. It's like, well, which fucking one? Who's mailing in the research on the flu is like either 29 000 or 70 000 people die a year and it's like well what's fucking one who's mailing the research dude dude my grandma just died i have no idea how she died covid i have no idea how she died no it was before covid but there's no dude geezers don't get autopsies so they're like 20 20,000, maybe 150,000 for the flu. Who knows?

When you're that old, I wonder like if – how that experience is for like the guy who dresses up the bodies and stuff. I wonder if they're just like – do you think they're a little bit rougher with the geysers where they're like push them down? Like, Jesus fucking Christ. What the fuck? Who gives a shit?

What, like the one who puts makeup on them? Yeah, they just fucking just like shove them. They're probably a little rougher with the geese. Is it a morgue? Probably like slam the fucking... Damn, dude, think how they feel about like doing the makeup on like a hot young baby that died. Not a baby, but like a hot young girl.

Yeah. Just some creep that does makeup on dead bodies. Just like, yeah, it's very pretty. Very pretty. I want Rocky to do one more movie where his son works in a morgue. And then instead of the beef half-seater fucking... I was telling Beezer he needs to He needs to have a son And name him Rocky

So his name's Rocky 6 That was killing me That's hilarious He laughed so hard dude It's my son Rocky 6 Oh man

Oh my god It's good to talk to you bro It is man I was Yeah I was fucking just missing you dude things are good i'm things are good right now i mean it sucks that there's this pandemic but we got a boat on this lake so yeah it's nice out we're doing a little fishing i haven't caught a thing but it's fun it's nice i was fishing hooking some night crawlers

fishing with night crawlers sucks dude wait you guys using live bait still i'm using power bait yeah no power bait well he got some o'connor got some power bait so what happened you were telling me you guys are getting oh yeah that guy for power bait and that fucking hillbilly crushed me on it have we done a cast since then no yeah we went down to buy fishing and we're all pussies so like none of us really like know what the fuck we're doing and i was like can you just hook us up kyla dude no respect cutting right bro if we would have yeah it's kind of if we would have uh if we did make a reality show like a fucking real world show and just put everybody

in a house like this for like a month it would be the funniest fucking video of all the time that would be dude people turn on each other after a day one day everybody here hated each other yeah how is that not stopped because it's like a vacation and not a vacation it's kind of weird yeah it's just like yeah it should be a vacation but It's kind of weird. Yeah, it should be a vacation. But it's kind of just like we're kind of stuck here. Yeah. And you can't like... It is.

I might fucking spaz out. You might eat Michael Myers. I might Michael Myers and then head down Arizona anyway. You should Andrew Cunanan the whole house, dude. I'll talk about it. I was thinking about going to live with Doug Stanhope for like two or three months. That would be tight, dude. Maybe like at least a month.

Just one month down there at Stanhope's house. Will he have you? Yeah, he's very excited about it. Dude, that'd be awesome. Yeah, I think I'm going to do it. But my car is in New York City, and I don't feel like fucking getting it. Yeah, don't. So I'm just going do it, but my car is in New York City, and I don't feel like fucking getting it. Yeah, don't. So I'm just going to steal one of my parents' cars.

Oh, so you're going to head back to Pennsylvania? I'm going to drive to Mechanicsburg. I'm going to head Pennsylvania-y way, and then I got to head down Arizona-y way, which is like a three-day drive. But I'm going to steal my – so I told my parents. I was like, I need to take one of your cars. First off, you guys don't need a car.

You don't need a car. You're doing them a favor. Users better stay inside. Yep. You should try to, dude, you should, you should,

uh, you should China them. You should force them inside, lock them down and take their car. I totally am trying. I'm like, you guys better not fucking leave. I don't have their car. What are they talking about?

I'm taking their car. I should have lied about where I was going. I told him I was going to hang out with Doug Stanhope. And then my mom Googled Doug Stanhope. I was like, you're not going down there. I was like, mom, literally in my family group text, I was like, I'm trying to drag this family out of mediocrity. Let me become great, mom.

You fucking – I got upset that I said our family was in mediocrity. Damn. I read another article about – what's called media mediocre mediocre premium premium or something premium mediocre it's like all the shit we buy since like nobody really has money anymore that like we just all buy bullshit furniture off the internet that's all made out of like cardboard pulp and like we all yeah it's like

we all buy knockoff counterfeit bullshit. Absolutely. All the stuff in our house that's supposed to look like we're cool and successful is of low shit quality, and that's kind of all we can afford. Wow. That's actually, dude, this entire house is that. Yeah. Lady decorated this place. Dude, I'm looking at two deer head sculptures she definitely got from Target

that are definitely like $2. They're the centerpieces in this living room. There's a fucking wreath over there attached to a window against a wall for no reason. Yeah, it's crap. It's just all shit. Everything's shit. That's crap. A lot of crap for sale.

The Arizona Anyway trip is the move. You have to do it, dude. I have to, right? i have to right what are you bringing yeah i would i'd get out there just bring a fucking luggage and a car drive down dude get to the compound you should it'll be cool to drive across the country too it'd be awesome you should do the oregon trail like get to that river you had a ford and see if you can walk across it get an oxen rent an oxen i keep I keep telling the group here This is it They need I'm gonna cut their rations

To me We're flying through rations The rations are getting crushed Have you seen the Handmaid's Tale Excuse me No I never watched it It's on Hulu

It seems gay No dude It might be the worst Worst piece of shit Ever It seems like the guy Who thing in the world to me. Bay's watching it, and I'm actively rooting for the theocracy. Fuck you.

Theocracy rules. I'm, like, actively watching it. Well, yeah, you watch it, and they're just, like, first of all, all the girls were lesbians. They're, like, all before. They show their life before, and they're all, like, smoking pot, and they're, like, oh, you didn't know I'm a lesbian, and I get abortions all the time.

And, like, someone just comes and comes and like get the fuck over here wait someone came by and was right yeah someone came by i was like knocking the oh it's funny too because i was like watching i'm thinking about people getting fired up it it's like handmaid's tale is lord of the rings for like white feminists. For 23-year-olds, they're like, yeah, this is what it's like. Sorry, that's my bell. Your house bell? I won't even get into that right now. I'm on a monastery time diet, but that's for later.

It's pretty tight. You're trying to eat like a monk? No, I'm trying to live like a monk. I eat like a pig and live like a monk. That's awesome. Pretty tight. I have monastery bells now on my phone. You've been pig eating?

Yeah, I eat like a fucking freak. I'm a pig eater. I actually look good, dude. I might be losing weight in this. Dude, I've lost 10 fucking pounds. Oh, you haven't. It's because I haven't been going out. I haven't been going out to eat. That's how much I guess I eat out.

No, I'm going to gain weight. I'm going to gain a lot of weight. I've been drinking for a month. You've been drinking? I've been drinking. It is funny that you watch Handmaid's Tale and there's a bunch of chicks like, Oh my God, what's next?

We can't even kill unborn babies? This is fucking bullshit. What's fucking next? I can't kill life inside of me yeah that was a big like yeah that was cool and i think people have been trying to replicate that quite a bit ever since like there's all these shows and shit constantly everything's like for somebody you know yeah now if you make a tv show or a movie it's for a specific race gender and like just a group yeah that's what the internet is why are we doing that why don't we just make stuff for

everybody well they see what you like does it have to immediately be for a group yeah man that's how it seems that seems weird yeah i mean handmaid's tale is definitely the best part too all the main characters getting like afflicted are just 24-year-old white chicks just getting crushed. They're like, yeah, this is what it's like. That's what it's like for me. That story started to regain popularity when Trump won. People were like, oh, my God, it's the fucking Handmaid's Tale.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure they dressed like that on SNL. Did they? Like that outfit. i think the female cast members wore that outfit a couple times cool yeah awesome dude it is we've talked about this on older ones it's funny i think you said it actually that it's just sharia law handmade sale is sharia law like there's one point where the lady tries to drive by herself and soldiers are like stop the fucking car yeah it's sharia law handmade sale is sharia law like there's one point where the lady tries to drive by herself and soldiers are like stop the fucking car yeah it's sharia law and the women in it are like can you even imagine anyone this bad and we're like yeah well the muslims like what

because let them whimper dude there's no good dogs take them out don't pause it i want to watch you run up the steps dude it's my favorite part. It's everybody's favorite part of viewing this. Get out of here. See, I'll give him one more shot. One more shot. He's on double secret probation. He doesn't want to go upstairs. He just wants me to fucking play with him, dude.

He has to get the hell out of here. Man, Matilda's so cute just laying there. Oh, dude, she's a sweetheart. He's a fucking jerk right now. You got to eat, Jack, soon. Nah, I'm fattening him up. Fattening him up. Oh, dude. butter up that cow

dude yeah he looks good right now my um i started doing a thing monastery time diet dude it might be my favorite thing i've ever done in my it's it's the new regime for sure dude yeah i set how many alarms i have on my phone so now you're in the monastery the bells just kind of go off all day and like remind you to do like karate and shit kind of go off all day and remind you to do karate and shit. Yeah, of course. I think they remind you to meditate, do karate. Touch boys. Dude, look at all those alarms, dude.

That's the monastery. Wow. All day long, random times throughout the day. The alarm goes off. I stop and go, what am I doing? If I'm bullshitting, I oh man knock it off so as soon as my alarm bells go off i'm i'm programming myself dude as soon as my alarm bells go off and i catch myself in a time leech i go oh shit stop man what's better than bullshit matt let me

tell you you got different philosophies my friend me bro there's nothing wrong with that ain't nothing wrong with a little bullshit dude we gotta get you out on the lake dude i mean there's get you on the boat i'm i'm apollonian for sure you're dionysian no problem no problem no problems one doesn't exist without the other my man that's true 100 dude but dude it's been that's awesome that you're doing that dude as soon as i they go off i stop what i'm doing meditate for like just quick two minutes nothing big just real easy get myself recharged i take a quick assessment of my surroundings i'm like it's been me and bay fighting am i being a crankpot am i doing this am i bullshitting and then if i'm doing something cool i go oh fuck yeah it's like it's a quick like catch you freezes me up yeah a little update

am i doing something good wakes me up out of my bullshit i go oh shit you know dude obviously you got to wake up when you're sleeping i wake up like 10 times a day bro yeah it's no it really isn't that big of a deal i wake up whenever the good lord wakes me up and then i go about my day and i enjoy the paradise that he created for me heard that and i live it to the fullest i can't wait you can't you know you're adam dude fucking around i'm enjoying this i'm enjoying the fucking i'm enjoying eating baby heard that i'm i'm uh yeah i'm i'm whipping myself i'm you know i just love the lord dude i'm fucking just no i'm with myself pretty hard although uh dude how fucking great is our god that did you watch it i watched the first 15 minutes of it how great is our god he's good he's good i'm waiting good. I'm waiting.

It gets, there's, it takes off a little. I'm waiting for it to ramp up. No, no, no. Give it time, my friend. I believe it. I believe it.

Did you get to it when he was talking about God? Yeah, that was like the very beginning. No, well, first, didn't you say first 15 minutes?

Yeah. I think around 15 or 16 is when he's talking about, like if God came back and talked to us. Saw that. That was great. I'm mad at him right now, bro.

Why? He's dogging. Oh, he's dogging me? Yeah. I was like this. Don't worry about it. I was. Dude, at the end, he gave a fucking thank you to a bunch of all his openers.

Yeah. I didn't open for him, but I was still, like, looking at it like, amen there that'd be fun right that'd be cool but yeah no it's funny all of his stuff's funny the last couple ones i'd watched the first time like not bad then i re-watched them i'm like god damn it this is fucking hilarious no this this one is it took me a minute but there's some in here dude the retarded bit do you get to that yet i didn't see that yet i mean dude he is he's god dude dude. He's the God commenter. Don't get me wrong. Don't get me wrong.

I don't know if it's close. My bar for him. So if anyone else was doing any of this special, I'm like, man, this guy is so funny. I watch him and I'm like fully like, all right, I need to have my mind blown now. Well, he did a couple that were like pretty did he goes with like premises that are very like like god coming back it's like i wish god would just say something we could all okay but then when he does say like what god would say he's like i gave you guys all these animals it doesn't matter who you're fucking but i put all these animals here for you guys to fuck yeah you just

keep eating them yeah i saw it so you guys are eating perfectly fuckable pigs yeah i saw that i seen that incredible incredible i'm waiting i'm waiting for him to blow my side he's blowing my socks off so many times i'm waiting he'll get you going he'll get you going but yeah i'm dude he's he's the fucking god dude he's goat i can't wait to read all the uh all the articles about how it sucks and it's hack and it's played out by the same publications that praise just about every single special that no real comic actually enjoys oh yeah i mean if you go around not to be not to fucking comic not to be a fucking douche about being a comedian comic-con not to fucking comic out right now but if you go and talk to any real stand-up

comedian be like hey what'd you think of any special that any of these pussy ass websites promote they'll all be like oh that that special sucked yeah like everybody like it's clearly not funny yeah and when a good funny special comes out like chapelle or louis or something like that they're all like this is hateful and bad it's a national level it's a fucking micro grip same thing happened in philadelphia stand up same thing's happening nationally oh speaking of what i got two good tweets this week what two really good tweets one was this guy who talks shit on me non-stop that i knew he got covid so i hit that tweet he announced that he had covid so i liked that tweet i'm pretty happy about that and then uh one of our yeah i hearted that he was like he announced

he had covid with like a rest where he had like the air tubes in his nose he's in the hospital like i'm okay i was like like you fucking loser and then i'm gonna get it and die but uh i'm not gonna tweet about it and uh yeah But I'm not going to tweet about it. Yeah, you're going to die quietly. Under the deck. Go right under the deck. I'm going to sneak away from everybody. It'll probably hit me on the way to Arizona, dude.

I'll probably die in, like, Oklahoma. You know what I thought would be funny to do? I was thinking about ordering some blood capsules offline and just walking down the street and biting them be like be very funny but it's uh yeah it's terrible i know it's terrible but god sounds like something like shitty youtubers prank i know but god damn it that would be fun just to do that and just run away and never tell you do that it's my own yeah it's my own pleasure yeah literally don't film it just keep doing it by yourself just don't even just bite down let it just come out of my mouth and be like oh god and just run into my house and people like

holy fuck holy shit yeah zombie out yeah i might i might i might i might sprinting at someone you could irl zombie right now people would run from you if you were just like yeah i'd run the fuck out actually that would work any day no matter where you are it would really work now that would be so scary if you had like six people be like and walk with dude people would legitimately be like holy fuck you get shot if you zomb down zombie is it illegal to zombie? Can you zombie out? You would start open fire. Are you allowed? Would you get in trouble for zombieing right now? Yes.

Why? Why can't you zombie? It's like yelling fire in a movie theater. Although I don't even know if that's illegal, to be honest. You can't yell gun in a movie. You can't be like, get down. Yeah, you can't go to a bank and be like. That'd be nice if you could. If you could just be like, give me your fucking money.

And then if it doesn't work, be like, all right, never mind. I was joking. Dude, the YouTube bank robbery prank. Hold on, I got number two. I got number two. Local Philly comic. Did you see this? No.

One of our buddies from that old theater we used to call home. One of Philly's finest? Our old favorite theater we used to love. One of Philly's finest? Our old favorite theater we used to love. One of Philly's finest. He tweeted. He put out his Venmo on Twitter because he needs money. Ooh. And asked people.

He fucking openly begged on Twitter for money. Ah, man. I liked it. You liked it? I liked that. Dude, that's so fucked begging on

Twitter for money yeah but dude it's a whole different whole different anyway please join our Patreon yeah please

yeah we work hard but hey we work hard we don't want no no handouts around here dude working hard around here but yeah that is cool

to be like what's going on? Be like, well, I was begging this week. People are like, oh, man, it's fucking awesome. Fuck, that was my last beer. Shit. BRB. You want to take a break? No, I was just going to grab a beer.

Go grab a beer. Go get a beer. Say something to the people. I'll tell the people what's going on. My headphones are on. I can hear you. Dude, listen to this. So I deep dove two days ago, and I'm on my couch,

and I literally, Shane, I know you hear me right now. You're in the fridge. I raised my vibration. I don't know how many megahertz. It's not a lot. You can't look. If you think you're going to fridge i raised my vibration i i don't know how many megahertz it's not a lot you can't look if you think you're gonna raise like i mean if you're gonna raise up to like like 205 28 pure megahertz and there's no way but i think i got up to like 423 or so what do you think about that shut up up. I'm not lying, dude. I did the deep dive on the couch.

How did you do it? It was a rough... I came out of it white-faced. Oh, fuck. We got to... I'm sorry. We got to do the fucking stink tank soon. Yeah, man. Those fucking shrooms are burning a hole in my wallet.

They're flying, huh? Sorry. There's a hole in my wallet. They're flying, huh? Sorry. There's a hole in the bottom. No, we know. I think we should do it. We should do it in a week because I had a bit of a hair-raising deep dive on the old couch there. You see Matilda laying on.

Dude, it was – I think it's because I'm not getting that much sleep. Yeah, I'll fuck you up. Yeah, but it's also like, like dude try getting yourself in a fucking transcendental state low on sleep dude it's fucking rob zombie time it was i you just let you get yourself to a spot where you just let your brain do whatever it wants and dude it was full on rumpus dude what did you think about uh what the fuck was i doing dude i you know i you know i journal all this down in my uh god damn i journal this all this my meditation journal live it's all it's all there it's a secret dos floating around dude i'll send it to you no you don't have to no you should check it out dude

no you should check it out dude i want to read your fucking dream journal. It's not read. It's view. It's listen. It's all technology. Dude, it's pure tech. Wait, so it's just you talking during meditation? 20-minute clips. No, afterwards.

I need to hear it. I come and recap them. Dude, are you sure you want me to listen to that? Yeah, dude. I put it out. Oh, you put it online? It's floating around, dude. Goddamn, the content you put up. Where it's probably on the page somewhere the um co-signing off of some fucking wild rant

dude it's uh well when i did it so i did it yes i always set an intention whenever i do the deep dive you do it without me for you and i'm sorry that i i'm not trying to be negative i'm happy and excited it's a crazy it's ridiculous dude it's totally good i want you to know that it's good i want you to know but i'm telling you it's a wave of the future i mean dude stand up is one thing to go out if you come out of a just a pure whack state and you just go bam it's it's straight it's it's might be too it's a fentanyl dude it's too much come out it's the purest of the pure dude it's unbelievable it's so fun dude i'm shane it's the funnest thing to do you come out of this like whacked out state and you boom you start talking stream of consciousness it's it's a lot of fun but the um dude i so i set the intention i'm like i gotta write all every time

before i do my deep dives and meditate my intention is always to stop arguing with bay like every week i'm like please let us stop fighting and dude that's bay that's up to bay bro no no you're wrong dude you're wrong it's up to bay it's not dude it's up to you you cannot put that in the hands you have the day you have to raise you gotta fucking i guess i kind of suck at being in a relationship So Who am I to talk Oh dude Why you getting down yourself

Well I watched The Breakup Last night What's What's The Breakup You ever watch The Breakup Is that like Paul Rudd No it's Vince Vaughn

And That was a good movie It's a great movie But it always reminded me Of my ex Is that where he has And me There's like The end His sluts come over It was Vince Vaughn. That was a good movie. It's a great movie, but it always reminded me of my ex. That where he has like a... And me. There's like a...

His slut's come over to his house at one point, and she's like... Yeah. There's a couple parts where some of the speeches really hit home. What happened? Like O'Connor was sitting behind me like... Do you hear that? What did they say? I don't know.

Nothing. I'm getting emo, bro. What do you think you need to work on? Everybody's getting emo during quarantine, and they're thinking about their exes, dude. That's how quarantines work. Oh. Quarantines are all about time to reflect on bays, ex-bays.

True. And hate. Yeah, dude. I mean, once this shit lifts, I cannot wait to just go to a restaurant and be around people. I'm going to be genuinely excited to, like – I can't wait to do fucking stand-up, bro. Yeah, that'll be fun, too.

That was my – literally my entire identity and self-worth. Yeah, I was wondering. Entirely. I've been monitoring – I've been – I mean, I don't see you, but I've been monitoring you for a little. I'm like, I wonder how Shane is doing with this. That's tough, man. You could lock me in a crate for, like, two like two years dude i could sit and fuck around around you can

put me back in the womb any day of the week and i'm chilling as long as no one else is doing anything i guess i'm okay like if other if i was the only one not allowed to do stand-up it would kill me it would destroy me dude imagine that if you just got quarantined. I've experienced that on a micro level by watching SNL. Yeah. Like seeing it and not being able to be a part of it and being like, this shit sucks. I could do better than this. Yeah, it sucks.

I should be doing that. I mean, that's what happened when I went to Spain and watched other people do stand-up. That's why I was like, I need to do stand-up. That's the best thing you can do is watch other people do it and be like, they suck. Sit back and see other people do it and be like, oh, man, this sucks.

I wish I was doing it. Yeah. And right now it really sucks. Because things were kind of like on the up and up. I was kind of getting – Dude, I was about to do South by Southwest. That would have been a big moment. You're booming and bunking, bro.

That would have been big. Then Moon Tower right after that. Then Skank Fest and all that. Like, it was – things were good. Well, I will say This planet hates alt comedy So it's trying to shake it off it's back right now True it certainly does dude

Alt comedy is just I think this is the planet's response to alt comedy Kobe Gaia dude Gaia was like what is this This fucking sucks I think you're exactly right dude People are like the planet's trying to kill us for global warming It's like no no no Gaia was like, what is this? This fucking sucks. I think you're exactly right, dude.

People are like, the planet's trying to kill us for global warming. It's like, no, no, no, no, no. It loves global warming. It hates. It's chilly. The planet's chilly, dude. It's hyped we're doing this. What it really hates is fucking. The planet was chilly, dude.

That's true. It loves it. Fucking ice ages. Did we forget about the. I haven't forgot about the ice age. I haven't forgot about the flood. Dude, is Earth a woman or not? Earth is a lady.

Everybody knows it's Mother Earth. When's the last time a mother hasn't been cold? You got to warm up your mommies. Good question. Mother Earth needs warmed up. Yep. I hear you on that. I hear you.

I like that. There actually has been some pretty funny arguments about like global warming being bullshit like the fuck they're like we stopped riding boats in venice for like a month and the water's crystal like well don't get promoted yeah don't get global warming twisted with uh pollution bro two different things don't get the climate hooks twisted with pollution pollution is a different thing don't you're gonna fucking make me look like a horse's ass on this make me look like a horse's ass right now i got real into a guy recently it was just he just was

talking that mess and i was liking it i went to his website and it was just like and please take a minute let's all acknowledge the climate hoax and i was like god damn it i like this guy i want to get in this here like this guy was against secret society so he was secret society. I told you about this secret society. Dude, all those guys are retarded. Most of the conspiracy secret society. I know I just got red-pilled and this is counterintuitive. Whatever. Fuck words.

Most of these guys are retards. Alex Jones is brilliant. Alex Jones is clearly brilliant. Either way, if he's kidding, he's the funniest person alive. If he's not kidding, he's even funnier. Yeah, dude, I agree. Alex Jones definitely rules. Alex Jones fucking rules.

Agreed, 100%. But it is funny to watch him be like bringing in a doctor and then be like, doctor, what do we need? What's coronavirus doing to know us and he's like you just need zinc and uh vitamin d3 and he's like that's perfect we're selling zinc and vitamin d3 on our website do you ever see when uh so i don't know if you ever noticed when he first takes calls the first caller is always like hey alex gotta say i just love what you're doing out here i just took the supplements man every time his first caller calls in like to say how much he loves him how awesome he is and how awesome his

supplements are his supplements definitely oh he's dude he's alex jones is the man he is the man he's getting papered bro he's getting paper he's getting papered yeah i mean dude i was watching i was telling you about the david i thing. It's the Patriots right now versus the globalist Satanists. Trying to shut us down. What are you? Name somebody. I'll give you one word.

It's pretty easy. You name one person. I'll tell you the first word that comes to mind. Name a word. I'll tell you the first word that comes to mind. LeBron James. Ray Tard. Ellen DeGeneres.

Satanist. Hillary Clinton. Satanist. Oh, wait. Vampire. George Bush. Vampire. Elon Musk.

Scared man. That might be the funniest fucking video. Vampire. Retard. Idiot. Vampire. Retard. Idiot. Colin Kaepernick. Retard. LeBron James.

Retard. Barack Obama. Vampire. Elon Musk Scared man Very scared man Yeah that might be One of the funniest things

I've ever seen in my life But you know what it is Alex Alex Jones What did he say for him What did he say No no They're like

Donald Trump Next level Next level Next level Next level Yo how sick was Trump? How, Trump on the model? Did you hear that?

No, what'd he do? During one of his conferences, he was like, the next, the model coming out says a lot of like, death. So he's like, and I didn't, I wasn't there for the model. I wasn't involved in any model. At least not this type of model. He said that? Yes, dude.

Speech from the White House. Dude, he fucking he's next level he's next level that's next level dude that's next level dude oh my god and it's so well this is what i want to know are we going to see the fucking debate between him and joe oh it has to happen i think why i think biden's trying to weasel out of the debate. I don't think I've heard Biden talk in a month, dude. I think Biden's dead. Are you bringing up hashtag where's Joe? Joe is dead. That was a big thing that popped up. Hashtag where's Joe?

The only person anybody's seen for the last month is just Trump dog. Bernie's been totally out of the news. Nobody wants to touch it, dude. Biden's out of the news nobody wants to touch it dude biden's out of the dude please let fucking please bring joe biden into the same room as trump and let them debate and see what happens to that guy well i think when they did hashtag where is joe joe had like his press team got together i think joe pretty much came out was like let me tell you something i hate coronavirus i tell you something if i was here read it not you had this I'm fuck all right I'm done thanks

isn't that my time like no Joe this is your commercial he's like time's up catch me at Joe Biden at AOL yeah Joe Biden only sends those long forward emails that's his campaign that's his private server his whole campaign

three people for this hot dog That's his campaign. That's his private server. His whole campaign. For this three people. For this hot dog, hot dog, chestnut, chestnut. For this three people, you will have sex with a kid. Did you see the picture of him holding a baby and his hand is under his crotch? Yeah, it's great. That's a classic, dude. Dude, if they debate and Trump gets to digital graffiti him and just bring up pictures behind him as he talks of him like groping kids that would be the fun literally

should be every single debate is your opponent gets to bring those up behind you while you describe your platform oh my god that is so fucking funny man digital graffiti is the best it is the fucking best helium wanted to do that online on here and i said no no you can't do that i don't want to i don't want to sully the just literally the perfect yeah that's literally perfect comedy no that's that's pure dude you can't have that oh man but um oh yeah he fucking name me name me a worker Emilio. Retard. Retard. Jerry. Jerry. Jerry. Next level.

Retard. You think Jerry's next level? Christian. Christian's next level, dude. No, Christian. Retard. Christian. Christian.

Evil hippie. Evil hippie. Brandon the door guy? Retard. No, he's next level dude Who Brandon the door guy Who's Brandon They fired him I think they fired that guy dude

What about Brad the bartender Next level He's next level Brad's next level dude Brad's actually next level Brad's next level Of everybody there That's so funny

Nobody has any idea What we're talking about. Ben? Who's that? Coward. Oh, my God. Ben's next level, dude. I'm kidding, dude. Ben's obviously next level.

Oh, fuck. Oh, my God. Oh, that's going to be so funny for the 13 people who understand what we're talking about. Oh, man. You know what? Including him. He's going to watch this. He's obviously going to get back to all of them. Retard.

Retard. Owners. Tightwads. Tightwads. Yes. I don't think so i think they might be next level i got some insider information dude yeah i got some insider information because i was worried because i was like oh damn but all these comedy clubs are gonna close i was talking to my tight wads from LA. My agents. My tight wads. My TWs. My tight wads.

Oh, my God. What did TWT say, dude? Tight wads team. My team, I got some new tight wads. I just signed with a new agency please please let me get in trouble for calling Jewish people tightwads

I wish I had the capability of making that Jewish people I might have to Paul I wish I had the capability of making that like public access like rainbow thing right now like pause emergency

broadcasting oh my god especially the Alex Jones voice Oh, fuck. Especially the Alex Jones voice. Taiwan. What do you think of your agents? Taiwan's. Oh, fuck.

Get the fuck out of here. Damn, dude. I'm crying baby That's so fucking funny Dude It's hilarious You wanna see something funny What These are just sitting here

I wanted to send these To Billy and Spud What do you think What do you think of that symbol On the mosquito repellent Oh dude that's piece of cake This is Zeke and Rice

This is mosquito repellent, also boy pellet. It pells the boys. Damn, dude. It repels mosquitoes. What do you think? Zika virus is a bioweapon? Definitely.

Oh, actually, yes. It actually is. Is it really? Yes. Does it make people's heads huge? No, it makes them really small oh okay never mind it makes uh actually if you google it and look at the babies they actually kind of look like uh it just makes your baby look like baby yoda really

fucking anybody has anybody uh share and google zika baby has anybody uh questioned rick moranis about the potential science behind this no i oh sorry rick moranis you're wanted by the fbi no zika zika i think was a government it was uh they were trying to kill brown people what yeah dude these people hate human lives these are globalist satanists satanists obviously they were trying to the whole point that look at the un dude you can look at the un's website they're not afraid to tell you exactly what they're doing what are they up to they're ready they're trying to get rid of the

human population true they're trying to kill us they're trying to kill half the human population dude this is thanos i mean dude if i had that much're trying to kill half the human population, dude. This is Thanos. I mean, dude, if I had that much money, I might kill half the human population. Yeah, I'm broke and I'd like to kill half of us. Come on, get out of here. The, um... Fuck. You looking up that Zika baby that looks exactly like Baby Yoda for me? Let me see.

Let me see. Let me see. Let me see. Let me see. Let me see. Jackson, hold on. I got to pause it. No, don't pause it.

Don't pause it. I want to see you chase him off. Knock it off. I'll get him out of here. Yeah. Oh, see. Let me see. Jackson. Hold on. I got to pause it. No, don't pause it. Don't pause it. I want to see you chase him off. Knock it off. I'll get him out of here. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Tilly.

You too. Come on. He always looks like he's wearing a thong. You got a fat ass, dude. If I was a chick, I would definitely fuck Matt. What up, baby? What up, dude? That was a sick roll.

That was actually a pretty good roll. Jiu-jitsu, bro. Shoulder roll. You do that in a fight? No, you do that just training stuff. Oh, just warming up? That's warming up, dude. I might do that if someone's stunting on me.

Roll at them. Let me see. All right. Oh, fuck, man. Share them. Let me see. All right. Oh, fuck, man. Share screen. Let me see here. All right, let me pull this thing up. I don't even know if it's worth it.

I just thought it was funny. Yeah, it might be pretty sad. Let's just see. Just for... Zika, yeah. Oh, man. Oh, yeah, look at that. Third one in.

Looking at that. Go back to that. They all look like fucking Baby Yoda. That, man. Oh, yeah. Look at that. Third one in. Looking at that. Go back to that. They all look like fucking Baby Yoda. That's horrifying. What? Zika babies? Yeah. Does their heads ever grow back?

I don't know. Look at that third one in. Tell me that's not Baby Yoda. Oh, Jesus Christ. You get a Baby Yoda if you had Zika virus. Oh, man. Dude, that was all fucking like Central America, dude. We're going to be running into, there's going to be a bunch of dudes with small heads playing for the Yankees in like 10 years.

Just sliding into home and just shattering both person's ankles. Coming in like a javelin, dude. Straight fucking into home base. Just impales the catcher. Built like base. Just impales the catcher. Built like arrows. Just impales the catcher. Oh, my God. That's terrifying.

Oh, but what I was saying is. Is that the only symptom of it? You just feel, you're like a minor cold. Then you have a baby and you're like, oh, what the fuck? When babies come out, all their heads are usually jacked up. Yeah, because the snatch fucking smashes their head. Yeah, dude. Mine came out.

Mine had the Mars attack to the back of the head when she first came out. Oh, dude, you should have kept it. Well, they come out cone-headed. You should have kept it like the Celts. They used to do that. Like the barbarians, dude, and the Huns. You should have fucking wrapped that baby's head like that and make it grow on like an alien head. They used to do that did they really yeah the goths maybe

i forget who it was why the romans the romans used to they were like afraid of them because they had feet came up and fucking yeah they were coming with giant fucking heads and fight them they're barbarians with like fucking animal heads they would do it on purpose and then it's like yeah yeah yeah just as just as like flex points just to be like yo i got a fucking back of my head is a foot long and then it just yeah because you can get coned a lot of babies get coned up you get like literal cone head yeah my uh damn that's my nephew has like a flat back of his head. Yeah. He got left on the floor. Yeah, my dad's got it flat.

He claims that he was left on the floor and they made him watch too much TV when he was little, but he has a perfectly square head. He has a Lego man head. The back of his head is perfectly flat. Yeah, it's probably because he got laid on the floor when he was a kid. Yep.

Square-ass fucking head. I definitely have a flat head, dude. No, you don't. On the floor, baby. You probably got a nice barbarian bulge in the back of you. I'm going to go to Rome right now and see what they think about it. I have a big enough head I think I could scare Romans. If I shave my head and go to Rome.

They started, the Romans started copying the barbarians' fashion and shit. Yeah, I heard about that with the Celts. They got kind of. Yeah, they're like, yo, this is cool to be fucking edgy and fucking have a wild head. Yeah, his fucking head. Giant head for no reason. That's probably the only reason I'm alive now. It's because like a thousand years ago, it was like kind of hot to have a humongous head.

Yeah, some blockhead walking around. Like, damn, look at these fucking heads. I was talking about the, the all right so the tightwads i think are buying up so i was i was afraid that uh the clubs were gonna be fucked you know comedy clubs but all i heard through the grapevine the tightwad grapevine that a couple of the tightwads are thinking about buying up all those tightwads. Really? No, the tightwads are buying up all the clubs that are closing. There's expansionist tightwads. Yes. Yeah, I know.

Our God is great. Thank God. First of all, comedy clubs are going to be open. I was genuinely worried. Yeah, that would fucking suck, dude. That would fuck me up. What would you do? I'm actually curious about this. What would you do if it was just like for the next three years or like hey man you know i'll send you no stand up for three years yeah what the fuck would you do i don't know it would probably i'd try to i guess act with tires make tires nice tires there's four or five of us we just

we're gonna do that anyway true this might be the thing i finally stand up out it's not there's no way no it'll be if it takes stand about it's gonna take out live music theater plays like all that shit sure i'll never let the sporting events i'll never let theater it's not gonna think you're gonna think this thing's gonna kill fucking that no it's not gonna do it they're also uh talking about letting uh people write off entertainment and restaurants again used to be able to like take clients out and entertain them and write that all off and i think they're gonna put that back into effect so that way oh that'd be sick it's a pretty good idea actually i'm not gonna lie oh that we could take we could entertain people dude we aren't

entertainers dude maybe we could that'd be sick if we worked for like like if like uh like fracking hired us and we could entertain their clients take the tokyo partners out for a nice meal take the news good news the pipeline's coming you mean the partners working the pipeline deal it's coming dude i saw what trump tweeted about it the pipeline's coming partners working the pipeline deal? It's coming, dude. I saw what Trump tweeted about it. The pipeline's coming. We need the pipeline. I mean, good news. Pipelines. He's like, I know this sucks, but good news.

The pipeline just got approved. People are probably like, what? No. He's like, good news. We finally chased all those Native Americans off their grounds and have the pipeline. Like, I know you guys are bugging out about the plague, but we definitely bullied them out of the way now so we'll be good good

we need the pipeline dude yeah we need to have more oil dude that's such a funny move too as soon as we're like kind of heading towards electric cars like good news finally fucked up wyoming we finally fucked and destroyed Wyoming. 2020, we finally conquered those savages. It's 2020 and we got them. Man. Oh, boy. Man, that made me laugh so hard, dude. That's funny.

That whacked me out, man. That was so funny. That was too fucking funny for me. That fucked me up, man. Oh, man Oh man Yeah dude Where are we at time wise What time is it Let's slide into the page

Let's just drop this What time did you start I got a sunset on a boat coming up I can skip that We'll rip a quick one People have been asking about the page They said we love the old test we love this ot but god they do love the old test they want to hear from the

boys too some of them say hey we're new test we're new test dogs these want to hear a little something this is new also it's funny too uh the new test is kind of the exact same as the old testament yeah it's really not that much different no No, I was, I've been going through that dude calling Jews tight wads. That's classic old test. That's pretty funny. It is. Uh, I've been going through the old test here and there and upload them.

I'll just go to a random point and hit play. And I was like, Jesus fucking Christ. It's so funny. It's funny. It is wild. It is so funny. It was that guy.

I wish that guy would stop posting them on youtube i dude i asked him to so that we can post our own stuff that we made on our you know this is the new this is the new digital i thought about that i was hating i was like this fucking bullshit and i'm like he post he uh links to the patreon i'm like all right and i've i've scurried through some of the comments people like oh dude i'm all out of these i don't think he has all of them so people leave from that like i'm gonna go link up so now it's like dude the the patreon frontier is about to get leveled with so much dude i'm about to graduate school uh yeah i've one more paper to write i'm done oh fuck the level of stuff on there is going to be i mean there's going to be so much shit on there yeah patreon is going to be pretty

non-stop we might need to figure out a way to organize it so anyway we'll talk about that later The level of stuff on there is going to be... I mean, there's going to be so much shit on there. Yeah, Patreon is going to be pretty nonstop. We might need to figure out a way to organize it. So, anyway, we'll talk about that later. I'm already ahead of you, brother. But, yeah, let's slide on the page, bro. We're talking about this. All right, thanks for listening, y'all. Good ep.

Well, it's funny thinking about everyone listening. Everyone who's listening to this has just been either in, like... It's funny, too, because I've had a dude hit me up who's just in, like, a laser machine shop who will just like play the cast like all the people in there so either like in like a laser shop or you're just at your house every we're all collectively losing our this is collective psychosis at this point it is tough and losing it we're all losing every day i wake up just like jesus christ is this like every time i wake up, I'm like, this is still going. This is fucking nuts, man. I feel bad for my bae.

She just had a fucking kid. Can't go see people. Can't go see, like, family and shit or families. That's the only point for a bae is to have kids. Dude. To collect the glory, dude. Yeah, they're about to, like, watch, you know, our daughter grow and develop. And now, like, dude, every day, she's getting bigger and bigger.

Oh, yeah, true. Your kids are going to come out of the house, like 28 dude my kids are like bad boy bubby dude my kids are gonna come out bad boy bubby wait your kids how old right now fuck man like a month yeah it's like a month and a week how old am i i'm 32 yeah you're trying to unite the clans bro i could unite the clans i thought you're marrying my sister well your sister hasn't even fucking called or texted me you have to court her dude you have to call my parents they'll arrange a date and they'll walk behind you with their hands behind their back and you can walk around the compound and just tell her about all the cool stuff you

know of and all the cool stuff she'll show her like and then uh one time uh i almost got a you know i said some, and they fired me. And then the tightwads? Yeah, dude. The tightwads fired me, and then different tightwads hired me. And then the tightwads thought that they could make money off me. She'll just look up at you innocently and be like, who are the tightwads? And you'll be like, my innocent darling, don't even worry about it.

Let's just go. Let's walk down to that pond again your dad dug out of the fucking ground. Just mud pool. Just like... Pool of mud. He would try to fill it with fish and every year a big snapping turtle would just murder all of his fish.

I could... Yeah, man. Let's slide. Let's do a little page. It's too late. I mean, we can page as long as you want. I little page I got a little page It's too late I mean we can page As long as you want I'm gonna miss the sunset

It's bright dude I can see it outside Let me see Well it doesn't matter O'Connor's bitch ass Isn't even back yet I told him I wanted to go I told him I wanted to go

On a nice sunset ride And his bitch ass Isn't even back Really Is he fishing No he's out with his Fucking lady He brought a lady down here

He's like little rascals, dude, out on the boat. He's a real fucking dingus, dude. He did Little Rascal us big time. He just literally, just as soon as we got to his, as soon as his bag came to this house, he disappeared. The boat was gone. No, I mean, just him from the group. Just him and his bag.

Scurrying around, dude. You're left, you're left to the president of the he-man woman haters club do you left i'm left yes that's bullshit it is bullshit it stinks it's junk don't break it up i have broken it up several times i was like hey you know chris shit his pants last week chris has found love dude you should destroy it dude all right day one when that lady showed up chris immediately was like awake before noon which he he was waking up dude i was waking him up i was waking him up i was coming into his room at like 1 30 or 2 p.m and being like hey bud what's going on he was literally staying up till six or seven a.m drinking by himself yeah some of

us need to be under the uh and then his bag shows up and he immediately is like eating he was eating fucking yogurt in the morning and i was pissed dude i saw him eating yogurt i almost slapped it out of his hands oh it's so fucking what the fuck are you doing and then he's like i'm gonna build a fire and then we'll go out and fish it'll be a good day then we grill up some burger like you fucking some of us to yourself some of us need to be under the auspices of a bay otherwise you just spin there's dudes out there my dad claims he's like i would have died if i never married your mom he's like i was just dying drinking eating he's like i need a girl to be like no like okay sorry sorry sorry yeah i know but yeah it's fun to watch someone else spin dude it's fun to watch you but that's the other thing

too you can't lose your frame dude i mean there's a lot of guys out here are fucking slut makers dude which i can't stand what do you mean slut maker so when you have sex if you have sex with a girl that you don't want to make kids with, dude, you're making a slut. You're a slut maker. That better not be a slut maker, dude. You got to find a girl. All right. Let's do a side of the page. We got to talk bays in the page.

All right. Hurry up. All right. Later.