Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - On Your Marks!

Episode Date: December 4, 2019

It's super late and the DAWGZ are having a sleep over. No bull. Real sleepover. On a weekday too.  rest of the eppie on patreon https://www.patreon.com/posts/32079917

Welcome back to my study, dude. What up, bro? Welcome back down to my fucking lair. Bro, this could be the new... This could be the jump off, bro. It's fucking sick. This could be it. I was down here, dude, concocting some research,

concocting my paper. I was like, oh, Shane, welcome to my study. Take a seat. Shall we? Dine on a burger. You made a nice burger for me? Gluten-free? I'm on a burger. You made a nice burger for me with gluten free I'm fucking retarded.

Sorry. We're officially plugged in. That was like coming right from my laptop because I forgot to plug in this cord. Are you going to keep that? Might as well. Yeah might as well. It's a power move dude. A little behind the curtain. Yeah give people a little taste of the lo-fi we could give them

and it's like bam here's a, bam, here's the professional quality. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here's the professional quality. Or how many wieners were instantly like, the audio on this one sucks. Oh, my God. This episode sucks. There was a race to upload. There's been a lot of good dogs on there.

I know. I've been checking the Reddit. There's been a lot of good dogs. Yeah. Good Reddit. Reddit's good. It's good right now. We got a good sub. We do. We's a lot of good dogs. Yeah. Good Reddit. Reddit's good. It's good right now. We got a good sub.

We do. We got a good sub right now. The subs can go bad. I've seen subs go bad. No, the best anymore, we've been spared. It turns into more sub infighting than anything. Yeah, the sub infighting's so funny. There's a whole subclass of people who are like,

fucking don't say anything nice about these motherfuckers. They shit on you, especially Billionspud. They're like, why are you guys on Billionspud's dick? They shit on this fucking subreddit. It's like, yeah don't say anything nice about these motherfuckers and shit on you, especially Billionspud. They're like, why are you guys on Billionspud's dick? They shit on this fucking subreddit. It's like, yeah, I guess they do. Yeah. But, you know.

Subreddit rules, dude. Sub, dude. I remember, remember when I was like, dude, I'm starting a subreddit. This is like episode four. You're like, dude, what the fuck?

I'm like, dude, there was like six people on there for like nine months and I'm like, it's growing, dude. It's growing. Yeah. That was fun. what it was i remember when it was at like 69 i was tight i remember it was like nice dude just a sick squad dude the original

69 was probably that was so fun when it was just 69 dudes i'd get so excited if just a stranger posted about the podcast i was like holy shit the people are listening to this it's like fast forward like a year it's like time magazines right it's like oh fuck yeah no no yeah dude i banned someone from i i gave someone a 30-day cool off really someone's getting nasty really dude i gave him a 30-day cool off and you get to customize the message they'd be nasty to me they're being they're being nasty they crossed they crossed the line that his family that i don't fucking like oh they were talking shit on my family. I'd fucking burn his ass.

I figured if you banned somebody, it wouldn't be for your own protection. No. That's not your style. You protected me. When people cross a line that is family, when people pull civilians into this, I go, no, no, no, no. No, we're not bringing civilians into this. Loved ones, bro? No, no, no, no.

Please don't bring loved ones into this. I mean, you guys are going to bring family? People tried. In his defense, how can are going to bring family? People tried. In his defense, how can he not talk about family? In his defense. Well, the funniest part is it's a 30-day ban, and I get to write the note. So the note is like, the reason you've been banned, fuck you. You fucking bitch.

Take some whatever. I forget what I wrote. Oh, man. It's like, fuck you, bro. He needs some time off to reflect. He can handle this all. Gave him a month off. That goes for anyone who crosses the fucking line. Yes, dude. It's like, fuck you, bro. He needs some time off to reflect. He can handle this up. Gave him a month off.

That goes for anyone who crosses the fucking line. Yes, dude. All right. What's going on? Chilling, man. Chilling? Dude, you don't understand how good that felt to fucking. Banned someone off his sub. It's funny.

30-day ban. I've been banned off of so many subreddits that usually they give you the chance to come back. Like, dude, usually I'd come back like, dude, what the fuck? Yeah. They're like, clearly, dude, you're fucking laughing at someone's butthole on Ask a Doctor. You have to get off. I'm like, all right, dude.

If you're going to be fucking lame about it. Oh, man. But yeah. Sorry. That was so funny. This is a slumber party episode. This is wild, dude. Wow.

This is, man. What do you think about the slumber party? Dude. Look at fucking. Dogs, right? My dogs are asleep next to you. Jackson fresh off eating an entire turkey leg and shitting it out dude that was that's a lesson of fucking the ferocity of nature eats a fucking turkey leg out of my trash whole dude turkey legs are about as big as my arm bone thank you doctor my fucking my arm bone my fucking tibia it's like it's fucking huge yeah he fucking literally vanished it and then so like you know

the first day fine second day the diarrhea comes i was ready for it bone fragments start coming out one of the bone fragments was like as big as a pocket knife like you know like a legal four finger size blade so i fucking i, I pull this, I look, I'm looking out the window, scoping this fucking bone frag. It's so funny to describe. Like, I'm trying to like your, what you equate things to in length.

Like just a legal four-finger blade. The fuck, man. So I'm looking out the window at this bone frag. I'm like, dude, I can't wait to go out in the morning and peep that thing because it was nighttime. I go out in the morning, itep that thing because it was nighttime. I go out in the morning. It's fucking gone. Really?

A fucking lesser creature came and ate his bone out of diarrhea and fucking ate the bone. I was like, dude, it was such a chilly morning. I was like, God, the fucking ferocity of nature. Nature is metal, dude. I was like, God, what an evil. It's probably him. No, it wasn't. Did you let him back out? I got out out there first thing i let them out and just peep the window i went out there and was just like let me get out in the meantime from you peeping the window and walking to the door he fucking

snagged it was after he came in really i'm telling you bro it was after he came in i'm telling you i bet he was just as excited to get out there and see that bone as you were i bet he spent the whole night like i'm to eat that fucking thing. It's funny because he does think of it. You can tell he has his little wheelhouse. So our trash can now is basically his mailbox. So ever since we cut his portions because the vet told us he was fat, he just will just go in the trash can. Brittany's like, he has to stop doing this.

I'm like, he doesn't understand. Spud put it pretty good. Because I would get mad at him, spuds like dude like dogs are so like they have no capacity he's like if you had like a retarded cousin who was like digging around he's like you wouldn't beat him yeah fair fair and he's like well you should definitely not beat a dog and i was like that's a good way of putting it good spud man knowledge from the spud man if you had a retarded cousin would you hit him

that's what I'm saying true no if my retarded cousin like just ruined some of my shit I wouldn't be like what the fuck dude

I wouldn't like grab him be like fucking what did you do it was funny cause like I was like fighting with Brittany I'm like you gotta stop yelling

at her fucking dog I'm like if he was a retarded person, would you fucking scream at him? She was just like, where the fuck did you hear that from? Spud. Spud. I did. She was like, that was one of her second guesses.

She was like, I was guessing that was some spud logic. I was like, it's a fucking good point. It's good logic. And you're out there thinking you're beating a dog. Are you ready? Would you? Is that a bad thing? That's not a bad thing to say.

That's a good thing to say. Yeah, but if you... People expect a lot from dogs. If you were blind, would you hire your retarded cousin to lead you around? Yes. Dude, that would be awesome. Just take you to Toys R Us every day? I was like, God damn it, I was going to work.

Just keeps taking you to the park. It's like, fuck. That would be so fucking funny dude how excited are you for the sleepover especially if he turned on you oh if you were like

god damn it let me in the ball he's like that's enough and fucking just jacked you up jacked you up at the park and left you

oh man help that'd be tight if they had that like now they have the bird scooter sorry um yeah what were you saying no you know how they have the bird scooter? Sorry.

Yeah, what were you saying? No, what's going on with the bird scooter? Same thing. Just like an RPG mode. You just have the boys just idling. You're like, oh, sweet. You're like, oh, cool. Let's go.

Like, all right, I'm done. You leave it. Push him down. That's no good, Matt. That's junk, dude. That is junk. I'm sorry. That's junk you're spitting. I'm sorry, dude.

Sometimes these things just come to me, dude. I can't hold them to myself. No, that's funny. So you think it'd be funny if bird scooters were replaced with mentally handicapped sturdy men that would carry you from bar to bar? Just something, man. Just to walk around is like security. Yeah.

Or like if you're in a new city, just want to go sightseeing. True. Take me to the best fucking McDonald's. Let's kick it, dude. True. That'd be tight. Let's think about it.

I just like the idea of getting somewhere. All right, that's enough. Yeah, when you're like, all right, I'm here. Just throw it. No, what I was trying to say is I'm fucking stoked on the slumber party. Yeah, man. Normally I'm crashing on Beezer's couch. This is good.

I'm done with that. You got a bed. You'll have these two. You'll have two dogs sleeping with you. It'll be a good time. Wait, they're going to sleep with me? Yeah. Why?

It's good luck shucking them off, dude. You might be able to push them off. Oh, do they sleep on the guest bed? No, they have their own beds, but Jackson is a cuddle bug. So he'll... Why doesn't he cuddle with you? We vanish him. He takes up too much space.

Yeah, he's a fucking asshole, dude. He sleeps near my head. It's like, dude, you're not a fucking cat. Damn, this is going to suck. No, you'll do... If I have to battle Jax... He's... With one person, he's great. When I take naps, I to battle Jax. He's with one person.

He's great. Like when I take naps, I call them both up. It's just when it's me and my bae. It's like it's too much. Yeah, this is going to be this will be good practice for you guys. Taking care of a baby. True. You already made me some dinner late.

Made you some dinner. I might shit my pants just to run a drill for you. Dude, that would be awesome. I'm going to cry all night. I'm going to wake you up. You guys are going to have to take turns coming in and be like, it's okay. It's okay. We'll put a monitor up there so you're like, fuck.

Like, oh, fuck. Shane's freaking out about his life. Oh, fuck. Go get him. Go rub his back. It's okay. SNL sucks. It's okay.

No one cares I could've had it We squirting We squirting almond milk On my wrist It's too hot Dude I was actually thinking Speaking of sharing your pants

I was actually fantasizing About running a marathon recently And just right As soon as the guns Right Right out the gate as the gun sounds. Right out the gate, just fully shitting and pissing myself. And then running

the rest of the race. Dude, that's so funny. How funny would it be if he's like, whew, let's go guys, let's go guys.

Susan goes, oh my god let's go guys Susan Susan cuts out this big oh god doing it like a 5k like a walk like a benefit walk it's a night time walk for suicide just shit yourself on the art museum

steps and be like I can't stop I can't stop I can't stop it'd be tight to try to win the walk can you walk as fast as fuck oh man shit yourself at the fuck like a tough

mutter 3k out the gate would be so tight dude or just finishing and just be like oh man dude i haven't dude you could ruin a top mudder you just took a shit and jumped into like the mud pool just blatantly peed your pants like how you guys feel about this start blatantly peed your pants. Like, how do you guys feel about this? Start blatantly peeing your pants. Like, oh, do you know how it is on the marathon course?

Like, dude, we haven't even started yet. Oh, fuck, dude. That's good. How fucking funny would that be? That's good, man. How funny would that be? Oh, fuck. Right out the gate, dude. Sprinter sand gate sleepover cast is wild dude so silly it's so silly dude getting in a fucking sprint

heat three number in your sleep and then it's fucking wrong And then just fucking run. Especially like, you know how people pace themselves? Just break into a full, like a hundred meter sprint and just shit and piss yourself way ahead of everybody and just stop and make everybody run past you. And just look at them hands up just like, can you believe it? I can't believe it man. Every time. Like he gave it my all. And then walk

the whole rest of the way. Make everyone stand there. The guy with the microphone has to wait with you. You have a seven hour marathon. You do like that cowboy walk where you just wait for everyone to be like clapping like you had a broken leg. Yeah you gotta do wobbly legs act like you're like shot damn you gotta train for that by just shitting on the treadmill

you're walking in the gatorade stations just like splashing your fucking balls with gatorade look you're like it's fucking stings oh fuck man that would be so fucking awesome that's the best that'd be so fucking sick that's your fucking balls with Gatorade. You're like, ah, it fucking stings. Oh, fuck, man. God, that would be so fucking awesome. That's the best. That would be so fucking sick. That's so good, man. I passed a marathon the other day

and I was just driving. I was like, fuck, goddammit, that's so fucking funny. I was like, dude, just to start one of these would be so funny like that. The full numbers on your chest and everything.

Oh, man. Nothing better than seeing the marathons around here dude i was i mean this is i just talked about it on a different podcast earlier today but it's been cracking me up all day thinking about uh all right so we somehow we were talking about the parkland shooting okay and how i was like dude props to the fucking security guard who didn't go in props to the fucking security guard who didn't go in. Who just stayed down?

He stayed outside during the shooting. He was just like, fuck it, dude, no way. True. And then I was like, how much do you think he got paid? Like 40 grand? And was just like, dude, he had a gun and sat outside, literally took guard from a shooting. Yeah.

It was his whole job. He must have been like, dude, I have the best job in the world. I know. Like, there's never going to be a shooting. There's no chance there's going to be a shooting. And it happens, and he's like, you know what? What, are they going to fire me? Fuck it, dude. I mean, he did get fired, right?

Yeah, I think he got, like, arrested. I mean, think about all the time. He got arrested? Yeah, I think he got in a lot of trouble. What kind of jail credit is, like like sitting out of a school shooting? I mean, the punishment alone. You're the boss, dude. You're a shot caller right away in the pen.

No, dude, the punishment alone. You're a shot caller. Like, damn, bro, that's fucking tough. That's hard. Now, the punishment alone should be having to listen to every fucking dude for the rest of your life. Like, dude, I would have fucking grabbed that gun, ran in there, and fucking probably winged him off the bat. It's like every dickhead in the world being all of a sudden turned into Max Payne. I do fantasize about that, though.

Do you ever fantasize about stopping a public shooting? Yeah. That's one of my biggest fantasies. I was always, every time I was in school, forever, I was always thinking about that. I think about it all the time. Well, you're in school. Yeah. I'd be thinking about it.

That'd be some Red Dead Redemption for me, dude. Oh, dude, you don't think I've thought about some good redemptions? Saving like a family and be like, huh? How about that? How about that? Pretty good. Oh, man. Yeah, my baby girl's up and she moved.

She's going back to school. She's gone. Yeah, and she was worried about school shootings. And's going back to school. She's gone. Yeah, and she was worried about school shootings. And I was like, nobody shoots up community colleges. I don't know. I feel like they'd be... No, they don't. They don't hit them.

I feel like they're ripe for the picking. Yeah, I mean, no, I think the school shooters are usually, like, either out of, they don't go, they don't extend their education, or they go to, like to a really good school. True. Yeah. Aren't they all like... I mean, community colleges do.

Not the hexes. I bet they have. Not the hexes. I bet they have been hit. They had to have. I mean, I've passed a lot of community colleges. Yeah, you see a lot of JNCO genes, dude. A lot of JNCO genes, dude.

JNCOs in the community still. They're like fucking modern day cowboy pants, dude. A lot of jinko jinkos at the community still they're like fucking modern day cowboy pants a lot of gunslingers yeah it is like the wild west i mean yeah i passed community college people trying to figure out dentistry yeah it is the old west dude a community college is a bunch of different like shitty shops yeah there's a lot of wild wild true you know true i don't but yeah i guess you might be safe though you have enough yeah i don't know i was in vermont in philadelphia community college you'd have enough black people to be like buffering the school shooter energy it doesn't happen around black people a lot it does but they just nobody it's like a mass it's like

they're shootings all the time in black schools and there's just nobody. But they're not like nerd, but they're not nerd inspired. No, exactly. Yeah. So it's not filled with like nerd rage where it's just like, I'm getting everybody.

Exactly. It's usually a one-on-one thing. Yeah. It's usually just a beef. Yeah. Beef's everybody's like, yeah, cool. It's a duel.

Yeah, they duel. There's a lot more gentlemanly and when they duel, when they duel, everyone's like sick yeah that's cool you guys dueled we gotta stop this but the honkies doing it is a problem yeah because the honkies aren't gentlemen's true they're pretty they're bad guys they are bad guys no yeah there is no there's no like uh yeah there's no real sympathy garnered for them

for who like like a mass shooter there's no like sympathy garnered for them. For who? Like a mass shooter. There's no, like, well, it's a nuanced situation. Wait, what? Like, there's no, like, you know, with, like, if a black dude was, like, shoot his foe in a school. His foe. Yeah. There'd be, like, well, there's, like, a nuance and stuff. Yeah, yeah.

When dudes, like, when nerds fucking snap, there's no, like, well, you gotta think about it. Everyone's just, like, fucking good riddance, dude. But I feel like a lot of times it's just, I don't know. I haven't heard of a school shooting where there's a lot of black dudes. I don't know. True. You're on to something. Maybe, I mean, Trump talks about giving teachers fucking guns.

Maybe. You know what else? I think if there's a white nerd at a black school, I think the black guys tend to take them under their wing. Do they? Yeah, make funny videos of them, like, dancing. True. That's true, too.

You know, they include them. They're like, hey, you goofy fucking weirdo, don't kill me. You know, joking around. At the white school, they're like, you're a loser. You'll never get pussy. He's like, yes, I will. Watch get pussy yeah he's like yes i will watch no that's a good point that's a fair point yeah i uh i saw dude i saw three little kids the other day walking literally yesterday and someone's school bag had been like knocked like there's

i just saw i came around the corner with my dogs i saw papers everywhere and i was like somebody getting bullied i was like holy fuck and then like the kid who had you excited for the bullying or were you ready to stop it i didn't know what was happening i actually was going to stop it no you can't stop a good bullying dude this was like because i see two kids and someone like papers blown everywhere but the kid had jokingly pulled his friend's school bag down and then he was getting made fun of by the other two kids for being like what are you a bully and they made fun of him and other two kids for being like, what are you, a bully? And they made fun of him. And I was like, I was talking to my brother Tom.

I was like, dude, we would have walked by and kicked his shit. They'd be like, fuck you, dude, and ran away. His friends were like, what are you, bullying us? Are you really? It was like they were making fun of him as if he was a loser for pulling open. How old were these kids? Probably like 11, 12. So it was funny.

They were old enough. And the kid who did it. They must not even have real bullies. I don't think they do. Bullies are legend now. The kid who did it, they are. They're like the Jedi. The kid who did it, you could tell.

He had this look on his face like, what the fuck did I do? What did I just do? What have I done? But you could tell they're still in them. They'd be like, dude, how funny if I just yanked this kid's school bag and pulled all this shit out. Yeah, dude.

I wonder if bullies are like that. Just like I've heard the fucking myths. This used to be real. He fought the power. He's the one, dude. He's the chosen one. He might be, dude. There should be bullies back.

They need to bring back the force. He yanked his school. I mean, he did good work, too. The shit was everywhere. It was a windy day. Papers and tests were flying. He picked up the kids test and like you got an 84 come on man it's time you pick it up and they're like dude what are

you bullying him wait he was making fun of his grades when you approached he knocked his stuff out and he was like oh dude 84 you got to get your grades up bud and they're that's another friend was like what are you bullying him and it was kind of they were like making fun of this kid i saw the kid's face was kind of like fuck like this there was like a frustration there yeah well i should have taken him under my wing i'm like dude you want to learn the ways like you want to know some bad words you can say at school there's some real bad words that everyone hates because i know yeah dude it was funny seeing that was a weird thing to watch just be like what the fuck yeah i thought for sure the two kids like I was like oh my god these kids are bullying

this kid they're about to run away and it was just like a bully got chastised yeah and you could have had like a G.I. Joe moment you know what I mean where you approach

and you're like hey hey knock it off bullying's not cool thanks mister I would have been tight what you're doing is wrong boy

Evan Austin and instead you're like what the fuck are these kids fucking gay I like stepped on one of the papers to like stop it from blowing in the wind doing's wrong, boy. Evan Olsen. And instead, you're like, what the fuck? Are these kids fucking gay? I like stepped on one of the papers to like stop it from blowing in the wind

and they just looked at me and were like, what are you doing? And I was like, I'm just gonna leave now. Yeah, you tried to, you're like, hey, I'm helping.

Yeah, I trapped, I trapped, it's not that important. I trapped a Scantron. It's an old paper. I trapped a Scantron and they were just like, thanks. And I was like, and they were just like, thanks.

And I was like, okay. Oh, man. Yeah, it was pretty tight. Yeah. I had a good weekend. I did fucking creeps with kids in Harrisburg. Oh, my God. It was so fucking funny. I bet.

Just sitting in that green room with, it's Voss, Bobby Kelly, Florentine, and Bennington. Just, dude, seeing geezers out on the road like that is so funny. How long do they each do? Each do 20, and then they go back on the end. Yeah, I know. Each of them doing 20 is murdering. They all murder for 20. That's awesome.

Yeah, it's so funny. It must be such a fun show, too. To watch them all do a hot 20. Yeah. Who hosts? Voss. I was about to say, dude. I know. I was wondering who hosts, and then I was like, oh, Yeah. Who hosts? Voss. I was just about to say, dude. I know.

I was wondering who hosts, and then I was like, oh, yeah. Voss has to host. I was thinking it was... He just is a good... He would strike me as a fantastic host. And he was all worried because he... Some lady in Chicago, they did Chicago last week, and some lady emailed that he was racist. Emailed who?

The next couple venues that they were doing she looked at their tour emailed all the venues and was like these guys are rich bosses racist I thought he caught

like a bad chain email must be haunting for a geez to catch like a bad Ford Ford Ford Ford Ford but he was so worried he was so worried

about it and I was I was sitting there like dude shut the fuck up. Like, I'm going to be the last person you want to complain about this to. Like, you got one email? Shut up.

Who was the lady? I don't know. Some lady. And then he, like, went over. And they were all making fun of him. It was so. And they were getting in his head, too. Oh, my God.

Like, boss is racist. He's like, I'm not fucking racist. I'm not racist. So funny. It was great. Watching him bug out about that would be pretty delightful. I mean, you know, it is racist. He's like, I'm not fucking racist. I'm not racist. So funny. It was great. Watching him bug out about that would be pretty delightful. I mean, you know, it is scary. It is like, oh, fuck.

And then he's like, you can see him adjusting his material. Or like, they were making fun of him saying he was. And he was like, I'm not worried. I'm not scared. It's like, yeah, you are, dude. Holy fuck. You should blow the lid off of Voss. Yeah, I should, dude. I'm not scared. It's like, yeah, you are, dude. Holy fuck. You should blow the lid off of Voss. Yeah, I should, dude.

You should fucking shine the light where it must. That'd be so funny. Should I start snitching? If you fucking... Now that I'm fucking... Now I'm in the pen, dude. I might start giving up names. That's how I think comedy journalists are born.

I think it's kind of like being molested. You get, like, touched into it. The next thing you know, you're like, Richard Wallace's act is highly problematic. Richard Wallace. I would think he was pretty bulletproof. Yeah. They're going to be like...

Yeah. He's fine. Yeah. I mean, that's what I was telling him. I was like, dude, you're fucking fine. They're not going to cancel you. You're all right. That's tight.

He caught some heat. But it was funny to like see them all bothering him and then just yeah the way they all interact was like seeing old fucking dogs just i mean they're grizzled fucking vets yeah man seeing them chilling did and plus i mean for them to do 20 minutes is probably they could murder good i mean the backstage must have been very relaxed it's very yeah yeah yeah it's like an open mic yeah it's great bannington damn he's the man what's his stand-up like you would love it i bet yeah bangton stand-up is really really funny

that's awesome yeah it's good stuff anyway that's fucking that's it for the stand-up this week no you slid in did a little guest spot. Yeah, a little guestie in there. How was that? It was good. In your hometown. Yeah. People clapped back in their chests. Iceman was there.

Really? The Iceman showed up, dude. How crazy is that? I know. That was totally not set up at all. Yeah. I went up to him and he was like, hey, good set. I was like, Iceman, what up? He was like, how do you know who I am? I was like hey good set i was like ice man what up he was like how do

you know who i am i was like dude matt told me who is matt i was like i'm a cusker man i would have fucking loved yeah ice man was great he was wearing like a grinch like a grinch t-shirt i guess one of his cousins one of his cousins must be a dog really so yeah because they that's i thought they i thought he was your cousin I guess one of his cousins must be a dog. Really? Yeah. I thought he was your cousin. No, he's Bert's cousin. And Bert's brother, Griff, he's a fucking serious dog. No, Bert's crime dog.

His little brother. No, no, Griff. Oh, yeah. Sorry. Bert's a crime dog. Griff. Yeah, no, you're right. Gruff McGriff or some shit.

Who cares? But yeah, the Griff is Bert's little brother. He's a fucking, he's been a loyal dog since like episode two. So he might have, he might have fucking slid the DOS over the Iceman. And then probably put a potato sack over Iceman's head and fucking led him to the undisclosed location. Yes, dude. What the fuck else?

What was I thinking of this week? yes dude um what the fuck else what was i thinking of this week the uh dude i was listening to uh christmas songs with my babe that's my listening to them and ruining them for my favorite thing oh dude because she she already's on the one i called you the other day yep i forgot all about it that i was just i walked past somewhere that was playing it. I was like, make the Yuletide gay as fuck. So I ruined that for her. So she never, every time that comes on, she's like, you fucking ruined that. And then she started listening to like slutty Christmas music. You know, like, fuck, what's it like?

Santa down my chimney. It's just like weird. Santa baby. Yeah. She's like, this is my favorite song. So she's listening to that. And I'm like, dude, this is like weird Santa baby She's like this is my favorite song So she's listening to that And I'm like dude this is like weird as fuck Then I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus

Which again I'm just sitting there doing the dishes Dude I started fucking singing the I mean I always did the like I saw mama sucking Santa Claus And she was like Will you stop doing this Will you stop doing this I was like I you stop Merely this Will you stop Merely this It was like

I saw mama Sucking Santa Claus Reach around And finger in his butthole It's like Will you fucking stop You're ruining the holiday spirit Ruining the holiday spirit

Then Baby It's Cold Outside Came on And that's when I started Being like Baby I'm so fucking hard Right now I mean you don't even have to Really change that

I mean I could do a Christmas album. You should. I could do a full Christmas album, dude. I'm so fucking hard right now. Well, our page has a lot of, I should do this. Yeah. A Christmas album would be tight. To get in the studio and weird out a Christmas album would be-

It's all suck. It's all just like- I could do it. Reaching around and sucking his dick and's saying I saw daddy jerking off Just sound like an unrelated day, but he was actually just a Tuesday afternoon But dude, I started laughing I was upstairs. This is actually funny. She's sitting there. So she's staring at me She's giving me looks like, stop ruining my songs. And I already, of course, I'm already somewhere else.

And I started, I basically promised myself I'm going to start identifying as an adult who believes in Santa Claus. And when people fucking challenge me. My niece is almost. My niece is an adult who believes in Santa Claus. I'm like, last year Was when she Still believed him I'm gonna start reacting My niece is Dude

I'm not I don't mean this shit on her How old is she? She's old Old enough But enough that like I called her now And I'm like

Uh What's Santa getting you? Just to like test the water I still don't want to ruin it for her Sure But it's like Post Santa sucks When you find out

Post Santa does suck That's Dude I'm gonna start It's the end of ananta does suck. Dude, I'm going to start... It's the end of an era. When people start saying stuff, I'm like, excuse me, actually. I'm going to start Santifa. True. Just go and show up.

Start protesting. Miracles are real. Fuck you. Start throwing fucking... Destroy Starbucks. Dude, I was in the dishes quaking. My shoulders were shaking. She's like, what are you... And I'm like, dude, I was like thinking... I gave her the Sant were shaking. She's like, what are you doing?

I'm like, dude, I was like thinking, I gave her the Santy Fod. She was just like. Santa Claus is real, dude. Dude, I'm telling you. Don't bring that shit to me trying to tell me he isn't. It's true. Dude, it's fucking. The reason he hasn't visited me is because I've been bad.

Santy? Yeah. If I put together like a good year, he'll come back. Get me a new bike. He's been smited by Republicans, dude. Santa's way too radical. But Republicans got rid of him? Yeah, the GOP fucking banned Santi, dude.

What? He's in Guantanamo. Santi's in Gitmo? That's the... Fucking waterboard. Like... This is the fucking creed of fucking... Santifa, dude.

Wow. Santa is a fucking... He's a freedom fighter, dude. He's giving toys to all the good little boys and girls. True. And the GOP fucking snatched him. We're like, you can't fucking do that, dude. Damn. Mattel.

It's all fucking Mattel. Do you think AOC is going to unlock the Christmas spirit? No way, dude. Why? She doesn't believe in Santa either, dude. What political leader do you think? I think Biden. You're probably right about that.

O'Connor sent me a clip of his, that speechy, I think they posted it in Egg Gang. Oh, the one where he was like, I know about roaches. What the fuck are you talking about, dude? I kind of like Biden. I'm a Biden guy, dude. I would be the same way that i think he's funny the same way that when trump got elected i was like damn it's gonna be hilarious yeah i would love a 2020 biden of him just being like what's going on what are we doing here just people being

like dude what the fuck that democratic debate he was when he got hit he tried to give like a rousing thing at the end he's like this is America we gotta go back and take it he like screamed he was like come on and the whole audience was like

the best he got a battering well the other one was yeah when he was talking about domestic violence he's like we gotta fucking we gotta punch this thing

in the fucking mouth it's like Jesus dude yeah he's got some he's got he had some clips about somebody was asking him a while ago I forget what exactly it was

It was something about like Indian voters in his district And he's like we got plenty of 7-11's It's like Jesus Christ It'd be fun to take Trump's like frontal attack And replace it with a guy constantly tripping over His words and be like god damn it Dude him vs Trump debates will be

So lit That might be the number one That might be the guy to take Trump Constantly tripping over his words. God damn it. Dude, him versus Trump debates will be so lit. That might be the number one. That might be the guy to take Trump. I don't think he's going to beat him, but that's the best. If his racism is funnier than Trump's, dude, he's in. It might be the funnier. I think that's the funniest debate combo. Oh, that's going to be, dude, that's going to be like.

Elizabeth Warren, I don't think will be that funny. Because then it'll get like, he's making fun of women he already he already threw out the bombshell i mean he already fucking i mean that was that was a necessary political ploy true but it's like what else are you gonna do that's fine unless he keeps bringing that up him versus bernie i don't think will be funny if That's funny. If he goes against Elizabeth Warren and just wears a fucking Indian headdress and comes out on stage, he would fucking elect him. I mean, it's going to be the most watched, funniest fucking debates. Dude, politics, I mean, I guess they are, but if they just morphed into boxing for geezers,

where they just go out and people are just like, bah! Yeah, the heavyweight champ comes in, dude. Oh my god, dude. Right now he's got the belt, dude. He's Ali. No one's taking him down. I mean, I think they keep pulling like Biden is the only hope. And I don't know how, because he's constantly saying the most ridiculous shit.

Yeah, they have this, I don don't know there was also this lady i might have said it last time where this white lady came on after booker and kamala harris both like went at biden because he was like i got the only one black woman in senate yeah and she was like uh excuse me right here and he was like i said first i right here. And he was like, I said first. I said first. He did. And then afterwards, like when the pundits started talking about it, she was like, well, it's got to be frustrating for Booker and Kamala Harris to not have the black vote the way Biden does. And it's like, dude, that's a weird like. What are you doing throwing that in, white lady? You saw his speech. I know that is a weird thing to throw out.

Just be like, yeah, they're probably frustrated because the blacks should be voting for them because they're black, too. Yeah, but fucking weirdo. Biden fucking goes down to Delaware and is like, I know about Roach's shit. They were good men. Strong men. I fist fought them. We used to use pipes on each other. It's like, dude, what the fuck?

Biden's going down doing the fucking black rooms. He's been crushing it. That's why, like, I mean, right now Trump is doing arenas, but he's crushing in the South. He's on the blue-collar tour. He's on the blue-collar tour right now. Getting it done. Get her done.

The whole crowd loves it. Biden's doing black rooms. Yeah. Which, as a white comic, is pretty strong. True. That builds, that sharpens your blade. He's ready to take on the getter duns i mean him against again that'll be we can only be so lucky as to get that matchup

i think we're getting that matchup really i think so how i mean obviously he's definitely linked up with like he's he's linked up with that like clinton money and shit so they'll make it happen he's also a moderate true and Warren and Bernie are little dude I would cuz Trump's good is what I'm told I don't know Trump's gonna I'm coming home a crump Trump Trump daddy the Trump's gonna fucking bring up creepy Uncle Joe the whole he's gonna call him a pedophile and then by don will be like, you've been accused of rape eight times. He's like, false. False. Wrong.

I mean, he's going to duck that and crush Biden. And did you hear he got invited to Buckingham Palace? Who? Trump. Sick. He turned it down. No. He went, no, I'm cool.

He didn't go. Good. I like that. He's really shunning our allies, dude. Fuck yes. No, he's pissed about Prince Andrew being a fucking pedophile. No, that's not why. He fucking turned it down, dude.

Why else would he... I don't know. When he goes there, they all protest. He gets protested everywhere. Although his protest was pretty weak in New York. When he went to the UFC fight, there was like... Yeah, there was like 12 people out there. There was like 30 people.

It's like, get a life. It's like, get the fuck out of here. But yeah, dude, the... But either way, that was, I was watching the news this morning and I saw that popped up and I was like, Trump's going to fucking Buckingham? I was like, fucking traitor? He declined. I was like, what? Bro, I've been on a strong anti-British kick.

Have you? Yeah, man. I'm researching for the history podcast. I'm going to drop on the page, dude. You're racist against British people? Yes. Hell yeah. Yes. That's what's up. I don't to drop on the page, dude. You're racist against British people? Yes. Hell yeah. Yes.

That's what's up. I don't like the Brits. Good. If you're a good Catholic, dude, the history podcast is going to be tight. Yeah, that's true. It'll get you fired up. It's going to get you fired up, dude. When you find out the atrocities that have been committed against your people.

So you got a good sense of it. I got a good sense of what happened, dude, and it's no good. Damn. The British were mean. Yeah, they were fucking assholes. They were mean guys. Yeah. Did you know that?

I knew it, yeah. They were fucking really bad. Yeah. They were racist against other white people. The stuff they did to Ireland was, like, wild. It was horrible. Yeah, it'll get you into the mentality of, well, you know, the Irish had it pretty bad, too, which is a dangerous

place to be. Why is that so dangerous to be? I don't know. I thought about it a lot when it's like, when you say like the Irish are slaves too, or were, it's like, yeah, but not in America, which is where we are, you know? Yeah. So like black people are still existing under the same government that did that to them. Sure.

Irish in America are not. Yeah. So I think, black people are still existing under the same government that did that to them. Sure. Irish in America are not. Yeah. So I think that's the big... This is like Irish people's France. Yeah. The United States is like Irish people living in France. Yes. There's, like, a black guy who's living in France.

They'd be like, oh, it's not the same. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'd be like, we got rid of it 40 years before them. Yeah. So shut up. It's a fair assessment. But it is weird, because if you even bring up the fact, like, oh, Irish people kind of got fucked.

People were like, hush. Well, that's, yeah. All the, it's weird that everybody identifies now as, like, through your ancestry's victimhood, yet no one studies history. Nobody. Dude. So, like, everybody's like, I'm a POC, actually. And it's like, well, your people did some horrific shit too what are you talking about

why are we why do we start the clock at a convenient time I never have gotten a good answer for that why is the moral clock started at such a convenient time and you can do it you can fully explain what's going on in the United States through colonialism and all that stuff

but to not add the extra like oh and by the way like in a greater scope of history this was like an ongoing wave of imperialism not to be like this started and then colonialists like gave non-white people the idea of oppression showed them how to oppress it's like that's great that's crazy yeah that's ph-level papers pushing that through and being like, well, obviously the people who weren't, the people in South America who had been sacrificing virgins learned how to rape through colonizers. It's like, what?

Yeah. But, you know, whatever. I'm not going to get into the dog stuff. No, but once, like, if you do any, and all I've looked into Was the Irish During And it's like

During the potato famine And all that shit And it's like bro We talked about a little That fucking Professor you called He had it coming dude Yeah man

The British were bad boys During that I might roll up You should I might fucking skirt up That could be on site On that guy Dude it's definitely on site dude

I mean Yeah it's like Why would that guy What. I mean, yeah, it's like... Why would that guy... I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what the point of that is. I'm reading stuff about it now. It's like they...

I mean, we've talked about it before, where the potatoes went bad, so then... I mean, there were still grains, but the English were taking them back to England. Yeah. Like guarded food stocks with armies and was like, you can't have this. Then they set up soup kitchens.

I'm like, the only way you can get soup is if you admit you're Protestant. So you had to deny God, your God, to be able to eat. And then so like it'd be called like taking the soup. If you took the soup, you were a piece of shit, dude. Really? Better not take the soup, dude. What? Yeah, and it's also funny, too.

Can you take the soup and be like, fingers crossed? Yeah. You're fucking with a nation heavy with leprechaun tricks. True. It's probably like, if I stick my tongue between my teeth, the devil never shall say a lie. Only respond in riddles. Do you deny Catholicismolicism ah does your mom have her turn what yes or no is the orange cross red or far but uh yeah it's like they just

what they did was fucking nutty for centuries of just like it was illegal to like speak gay like you couldn't speak the language you couldn't be the religion you couldn't play irish sports you couldn't sing irish songs it was all punishable by like jail is that true where the irish jig came from where they would do the fucking the foot dances because if the english came by and saw them having fun or like practicing their traditional dance they would stop them no i don't know someone told me that's where they would sit in bars like like this and then just do a little weird footwork that's funny they would get happy feet but the uh yeah that shit's fucking crazy yeah a lot of it a lot it's like why and then like it's funny to read there's stuff like frederick douglas

came over and was like you guys this is just as bad this is fun like from frederick douglas was like this is worse yeah but they'll never they never like yeah they never go that far they'll be like well yeah of course he thought it was bad but you know what that's that's they just they'll just be like that's besides the point you know they'll start questioning like why do you need to bring this up and it's like maybe grant perspective maybe you guys are like always bringing it up and i don't mean black people always bring up Slay. I mean honkies. The honkies.

This is always against the honkies. I'm fully racist against white people with purple and blue fucking ponytails and ombres. I see them and I go, ah, fuck. Yeah, I see them and I'm like, oh, they hate me. I see them and I'm like, what the fuck is it? What's going to happen now? I'm fully prejudiced against young women who dye the latter portion of their hair purple, blue, green, pink. I see them and I go, fuck. They're dangerous.

I instantly prejudge them and I'm like, I don't like that person. They don't like me. It's on fucking sight. It is what it is. At that show in Harrisburg I did with Creeps with Kids, one of the production, like the audio ladies, had a pink bowl cut. And I was just like, oof, I hope she doesn't see my set.

Dude, yeah. She's gonna fucking write about it. Gives me the GBs, dude. They do give out the heebie-jeebies. They are mean. They are. But... Fucking nasty. Maybe not. Almost always. Yeah. I mean, of course, I think it's fair to say again there's there's exceptions to every group true there's some bad babies though with that haircut decent babies but if she's thick

that's where it gets if it's like a hardy hardy lady with that haircut then it's dangerous true and you could be running into some trouble i literally like if i'm i'm like real careful about being on my phone if i'm like riding the train or something and I see something like purple. I'm like Don't I'm not gonna get caught Crowley dude if I did they catch you on reddit. They call the cops like dude I have a fucking school shooter. I Have a guy school shooter. Yeah, well they write about you What if they caught you looking at it what read it? They'd be like oh? That guy's probably racist and then they'd Google who you are They'd be like, oh, that guy's probably racist. And then they'd Google who you are and be like, yep, called it.

Called it. That is funny when I want to pull up the subreddit every now and again in public. I'll open it up and be like, oh, Jesus Christ. Just shut it down real quick. Like, I fuck. I fuck. Sometimes you got to shut it down. Hell yeah.

What's this dog want? I don't know, Matilda, get the fuck out of here. I'm going to blow my nose real quick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We back, baby. We back. Yo, shout out, Beal. What up, bro? What's this dog want? I don't know Matilda Get the fuck out of here I'm gonna blow my nose real quick Yeah yeah yeah We back baby We back Yo Shout out Beale

What up bro What's up Beale Beale knows Um Yeah I was playing Call of Duty with Billy It's the funniest thing in the world

You guys were live Dude Xbox Live Call of Duty with Billy Is Might be the funniest thing Like I was The whole time I was laughing

he's really good which is really funny I had no idea and he like decorates his guns like he's really good at it what the fuck do you find all this time

he screams dude does he yeah he's got the headset he's like fuck if he gets killed it's I didn't know he was such a gamer I didn't know he was a gamer

I had no idea yeah but see I was afraid of making fun of him for being a gamer I'm not even making fun of him I just don't know he was such a gamer I didn't know he was a gamer I had no idea Yeah but see I was afraid of making fun of him For being a gamer I'm not even making fun of him I just don't know I don't want you to make fun of him For being a gamer

No I wouldn't Because I don't want him to quit I'm instantly jealous Of anyone I know Who plays video games The fact that they can like Have the game system Be good at it

Yeah Like moderate their usage And not completely like I'd pig out dude I'd ruin it i literally can't like i wouldn't be able to fall asleep i would stay up all night playing video games i would do it yeah uh i went and bought a headset today so i could communicate with billy yeah i'm very excited about it yeah like i would love i would love to play

yes i mean dude having an all-dog fucking... I know. I was thinking about it. You were telling me about that. I was thinking about giving up my username, but... I mean, you might as well. Yeah, dude. It's tanknd77.

Come get it. Come get that COD, dude. Oh, that'd be fun. Link up. I suck at it. I'm, like, not very good. You're decent. I thought I was.

I mean, compared to fucking... But then you get Billy up there. Compared to Bill Kyle, dude. Sniper. Bill Kyle, dude? He's a sniper, dude. Is he? Yeah. I thought I was. I mean, compared to fucking... But then you get Billy up there. Compared to Bill Kyle, dude. Sniping. Bill Kyle, dude? He's a sniper, dude. Is he? Yeah.

He can snipe. That's fucking crazy. What kind of ops were you guys running? We were running hard point. We were just running, you know, everything. Team deathmatch, hard point, domination. What were you fulfilling? What role were you fulfilling?

He was sniping. He was sniping. I was fulfilling the role of guarding the steps. Were you? So you're just like crouching and jumping? I would just sit there until I sniping. I was fulfilling the role of guarding the steps. Were you? So you're just like crouching and jumping. I'd just sit there until I got shot and be like, Billy, they're coming up. Wait, so you don't have a headset. Were you just talking to people on the phone?

Yeah, we were on the phone during that. But now I got a headset. That's dude. It's so funny. That makes me happy to know that. That's so fucking awesome. Yeah, man. Calling Billy again is my favorite part of the day

cause I walk you know I'm walking to like shows and shit I always walk into the train just knowing that I can just call him at any point of the day and he will talk

the entire duration for sure how does he usually answer uh usually pretty like what yeah what do you want

yeah he gives you that little bit little bit of fucking but then if you go into a convenience store or something, like if he hears me trying to buy something, he'll just start fucking screaming the worst shit. Oh, man.

Dude, actually, I was. Osama Bin Laden on Xbox Live. He's so funny. Go get him, dude. Yeah. I just want to stash one down here. Start playing Xbox. Dude, if we build the studio down here, might need it.

Yeah, sneak, chuck a little Xbox in there. It's a good fucking idea. Especially pre-starting things with a little bit of fucking... Might have some Twitch. Some live COD. Yeah, that'd be funny. That would be pretty funny.

COD's fun, man. You'd like it. It's awesome. I love it. Yeah, it's really fun. We used to play that in the house. I was like, playing a four-person death match

was some of the most... It's like the most fun you can have. That's my brain maxed out on soccer. You, me versus Beezer and Wood were some of my favorite. Dude. Those NHL games, just getting them going. Well, especially how good you are at video games. And I'm so –

NHL, I was good enough. All I had to do was just sit there near the goal, and he'd pass it to me, and I would score. It was so funny. Getting, like, adult men to be like actually emotionally disturbed. Oh, dude. Which happens to me.

Speaking of that, we haven't even talked about Thanksgiving. How can we not talk about TV? What happened? No, I was just thinking about getting, like my favorite thing is to get people upset about things they shouldn't be. Like to make somebody actually get angry about something dumb and like keep pressing it until they're like shut the fuck up i got my cousin because every year my family does this dessert contest yeah where they they all try like all the women in the family like really they really try

to make like a good dessert and every year i obviously i don't make anything. I just sit there and shit on it. Whoever made this cake sucks. It's always my mom's. She's like, aw. But my cousin was like, I've never won. Every year, I've never won this thing. What did he make? She made, please don't assume her gender. Excuse me.

Sorry. She made this, I don't know, some German cake. German chocolate cake? Yes. Just listen to Steve Harvey talk about making these on chocolate cake? Yes. It was, I mean, it was. Just listen to Steve Harvey talk about making these on the Steve Harvey show. Yeah. It was really good.

Yeah, German chocolate cake. Like, what she made was impressive. And she even put, like, a chocolate turkey on top of it in the middle. Like, really tried. Damn. She was really trying. So I, like, the judges were looking at all the desserts. So I was just standing next to them like, dude, whoever made that cake, that sucks. And she was like, shut up.

I just kept doing it. I was like, I wouldn't wish this cake on my worst enemy. Whoever made this cake should be out of the family. So you skewed their perception. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just kept talking shit. And then I found the box that she added the turkey on. And I was like, dude, she just added this?

That's points off. I thought it came like this. Like, this is bullshit. What was the dude she just added this that's points off i thought it came like this like this is bullshit what was the box yet what was it a box that had chocolate turkeys in it and i was like wait she just put this on she didn't mold them herself she didn't make this chocolate yeah like shit like that and people were like hmm the judges uh i don't even know this lady there's some geezer lady that was just there. She was like my aunt's friend. So you got like impartial judges. Well, my aunt won.

Her friend judged it, dude. You tell me. That's a Clinton Foundation type shit. Dude, speaking of the Clinton Foundation, someone reached out to me. Oh, hold on. Someone reached out. So I kept bothering her and being like, dude, this cake sucks. And she was like, at least I'm not racist.

What? And I was like, whoa least I'm not racist. What? And I was like, whoa, come on. You've got to write where you want her right now. Like, that's uncalled for. God. It's the funnest. It hurts me to know that she just walked right into your bear trap. Yeah, you just bother somebody on something totally innocuous until they say something mean.

And then you're like, whoa, dude, come on. That thing was just right around her ankle. It was like, ka-choo. And then people were like, hey dude come on that thing was just right around her ankle that was like that people were like hey come on take it easy well how did you guys leave it uh i think she was a little she i think she was upset and i felt bad then i feel bad because i was like come on i was just fucking have you ever thought about this desire to get people to fucking like it just scold you really hard? No. It's kind of weird.

It's funny. I mean, it's fun. It's so fun to do to people. It's fun. It is so fun to do to people. I'm having trouble with it because, so it's like Gurbys. Yeah.

Like if somebody gets upset, I can't stop. I know. My mom now, my mom gets super upset if you make fun of her for anything and I can't not do it. What have you been just i'm

not even gonna open bro anything like she she got pizza one night she got one pizza with like onions and mushrooms and i was like who the fuck is this for because no one she's like it's from everybody will eat that i'm like you're the only one that likes this this was selfish of you obviously i'm kidding she went out and bought pizza. Yeah, yeah. But she doesn't, you know. Yeah. She doesn't know that. She's like, I can't do anything right. What's Phil say?

Phil gets pissed. Phil gets really pissed. Does he really? Yeah, if I get her mad, because now he's got to deal with that shit. Dude, I'd be furious. I'd be so mad if I were Phil. Yeah, he's like, God damn it. Come on, Shane.

You don't talk to your mother like that. But he laughs sometimes. Like, if I get her fired up about something, like, really dumb. Just having someone over their German chocolate cake, be like, at least I'm not fucking racist. Be like, whoa. Whoa, dude. We're fucking family.

What's this about? I'm just razzing you. Yeah, man. Just razzing you. I can't. I don't know. And that it really, yeah, it affects relationships. You like to raz.

You fucking razazz hard. True, dude. I mean, so you're just, you're sitting there, all the sweet treats are about you and you just zero in on whoever's trying the hardest and you just break them down until they spaz on you and you're like, what the fuck is that about? Yes. Oh my God. Yeah.

I mean, it's just making fun of people is fun but yours seems to be targeted in a way that's troubling no dude it is funny watching someone completely lose it on you and be like you're right yeah what's that about i've been physically attacked that kid punched me were you there for that where uh? At the bar by Helium. It was a comic. I shall not say his name. Oh, you told me about this. But he was like talking shit about like, I don't know, we were just going back and forth.

And then I was finally like, dude, you will never do anything in comedy. Like he spazzed and started, he started punching me. And I was like, is he fighting me? Is he trying to fight me? Dude, that's fucking brutal. He got chased out of the bar and sprinted home. I was like, what the hell was that? What's his problem?

I called him later that night and I was like, oh my god. God damn, dude. That's so fucking funny. And lady, it's not good to do to women. No. I felt bad for my cousin all they can do is hurt with words yeah and she she was like i defended you i was like

jesus christ it's okay i'm sorry yeah yeah that's the next level of it yeah yeah yeah she was like you weren't there and i was defending that would work on me so badly yeah yeah yeah i felt bad about that one yeah women pull a guilt card on me, I crumble, dude. I'm just like, you're right. I'm a piece of shit. Oh, God. Yeah. God damn it, that's what it is. That's something I got to work on.

That was kind of funny. It was funny. Thanksgiving was funny. I got to lay off my mom. Yeah, for sure. She's so sweet, dude. Man. She's so sweet. Dude, she's like Gurbys.

It's just easy to rattle off. It's just like if you say something to them, they're like, what? What? Yeah. It's like, oh, man. I can't let that go. Yeah, I've explained that to people in the past. I'm like, you just got to stop giving the reaction, man. Can't give it.

And if you give it, just shut it down right away. I spazzed today. Brittany fucking blamed me for. She has this water bottle that's so fucking funny. Oh, I'm sorry. I got my friend. Please. I got my friend, Jared, who's known the pest, because he does that to people.

Great. He's the pest, dude. The pest will get you. If he pests you, he starts pesting you. It's the worst thing. Like, if he finds a, it's again, it's like if you find something that no one can get mad at. Yeah.

And you make them mad about it. It's hilarious. It is funny. But I got him, he was talking about how he was the best pest. He was like, I'm the best. Like, something like something like that and i instantly got i got him to freak out like one minute did you yeah i was like michigan football sucks dude they got lucky against because he loves michigan oh he's like what he's like you don't even fucking watch you don't watch anymore i was like dude i'm doing my own thing i'm on my own like i don't even watch those kids

anymore he's like fuck you you. Oh, my God. I mean, a minute later, he realized. He got pested. He got pested, dude. What did he say? Did he fucking bow? He didn't bow. He's the true pest.

The true pest. He is the one true pest, dude. He will fucking ruin you. Yeah. But I did pest him that time. Oh, that's so fucking... It is funny to do. To just kind of fuck around with people and poke and see where you can

fucking get into them. And then when you get them to actually freak out, you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah. Well, it's interesting you can literally do that to a person you know. I got Vecchione. I got, I pested Vecchione into freaking out because I was making fun of Italians. And he got upset. It is funny how somewhere.

I was talking about how Italian women were hairy and had hooves. He was like, you're actually disrespectful right now. Was this on a podcast? No, this was just at his house because he lives with Soder. Oh, my God. I was just sitting on the couch. He came home tired from doing shows. I'm just sitting there playing video games with Soder.

Just instantly, I'm like, who are you? Wops, Wops, Dagos, all that shit. He's like like all right okay yeah it's fired up yeah it's fun yeah yeah italian we i literally someone on twitter hit me up he was like the episodes we went in basically being like talking about the vatican on the last episode how hard it was because you can't tell like pedophiles between italians regular italians however the church thought it had like a homosexual homosexual thing and it really was just the fact that

it was just Italians. He tweeted, he's like, brother, cast me on fire. You gotta lay off the Italians. Fucking kills me.

Do you think you're going too hard on the Italians? No. You can't go hard enough. True. As I say that, I gleefully make fun

of Italians and make them spaz and I'm like, it's the funniest, it is so funny to do. That was bred into me from a young age. My dad told me I was little.

He's like, Italians are crybabies. He sat me down and was like, I have Italian mechanics. They have the trash station. They're like, oh my God, they're the biggest crybabies. From five, I was like, Italians are crybabies. I've just been buzzing around with that in my head. Yeah. And every time I see it, I'm like, yep, daddy's right.

Speaking of, did you watch The Irishman? No, I refuse. Did I tell you why? Did I talk to you about that? Fucking De Niro. Why the fuck did they cast De Niro? De Niro's CGI face. What is that?

It's the dumbest fucking, look. I saw the preview. I think the movie's pretty good. I liked the movie. I refuse to watch it. The first half is so hard to watch because it's De Niro with a CGI face with like blue eyes. He has like blue eye contacts or something. He looks like Stevie.

Dude, he's got like a weird fake. He looks like Stevie at the end of Eastbound when he's like, I fucking killed myself. My dick doesn't work. But, dude, there's a scene. He looks exactly like Stevie in that. they also fucking didn't cgi his body so he's going through all these like he's like beating people up with like an old man body it's the dumbest looking fucking thing in the world so it's like you know they do beowulf and they

like cgi as fuck it they cgi it's like a ps2 face just Just his old body. His old body. It makes no sense. Did you see any of those interviews between him and Pacino where it's like GQ, epic conversation? No. It's just them in like an all-white room, like sitting there. It's so, it's like that, it's just the shit that big companies churn out. Yeah. Then they're like, what's like the most epic movie you ever did?

And it's funny because right away Pacino talks about how they used to do plays how they both grew up in like greenwich village greenwich village yeah how they're like theater dorks yeah tending to be mobsters but bacino's is like pretty comfortable like oh he should do plays and like yeah like open mics but you would do like they would do like a a play would run like a one-act play and then you would do like 10 of them a week get a little bit of money deniro the whole time's quiet kind of being like yo bro chill that's because De Niro dude he's stuck in the bit he's trapped in the bit I'm actually a tough guy I'm a hard ass fucking Trump video yeah he's like I beat you up you're a dog I'll be you think you're a tough guy you think you're tough it's like dude it's like dude do you think tough? Shut the fuck up. Trump would rain on you, bro.

Trump's thick, dude. I mean, I would be willing to bet Trump would beat up Robert De Niro. Trump would probably, yeah, dude. He would lay hands on him. It would be a good fight either way. I don't think it would be that good. Do you think Trump would fuck him up? Dude, wait until you see De Niro's body. I saw him sitting.

When he's walking around in the fucking show. It's like, damn, dude. Pacino looks like a fraggle. Pacino is like fucking- I saw him in the thing. He looks like a fucking psycho. He's chilling. He's living his life.

De Niro is still doing his whole- He's like Gaylord Falker's dad still. It's kind of like, oh, that'll do how I feel about this. The interview was so bad. Then Britney showed me the preview, and I was like, why does Robert De Niro have blue eyes? And I was like, he's supposed to be fucking Irish? I'm like, all the people they could have gotten.

Bro. I was like a black dude when the fucking Egyptian came out. I was like, okay, I'll give you guys that. No, I don't care about that. He could play an Irish. I think he was Irish in Goodfellas. He was. He was Jimmy Conn.

He was an Irish man. Yeah, or something or something but still i don't care that i care that he was playing a fucking 40 year old yeah and they didn't adjust his body he'll do there's a scene where he stomps a guy fair most 40 year olds are built like that no no one is he dude like, he walks, it's crazy. At one point he has to throw guns into a river and like step over rocks. It's like, holy shit, dude. He's gonna die. Yeah, and it's like. He's at a stunt devil to like jog.

I don't know why they didn't. Just put a, if you can do that to his face, just literally, just cast someone else. Just cast somebody young that looks like De Niro. Anyone, dude. Yeah. It was wild. They should have Paul Walker'd like... They should have Paul Walker'd. They should have Paul Walker'd somebody.

They should have Paul Walker'd Paul Walker. They should have just put Paul Walker as younger De Niro for no reason. That's what I would do if I got mega paid, which is continuously releasing blockbusters and CGI Paul Walker. I would remake great movies like Casablanca, like all of his Paul Walker Ghostbusters. Which is real bad deep fakes. Paul Walker's face on all these old things.

Just an all Paul Walker Ghostbusters cast. That's sick. That'd be great. That's fucking awesome. That'd be so sick. That'd be a hit. All strictly Paul Walkers. You should just remake Fast and Furious with all Paul Walkers. sick that'd be great that's fucking awesome that'd be so that'd be a hit all strictly paul walkers you should do you should just remake fast and furious with all paul walkers

single character the crowd cheering just paul walker giving himself tight ride dude i'm gonna do being paul walker instead of being john malkovich um oh bro i watched this has been bothering me so much and i don't know if it's gonna buy i think Pukovich is like, Paul Walker, Paul Walker, Paul Walker. Oh, bro. I watched. This has been bothering me so much, and I don't know if it's going to bother me. I think I've got to show it to you. Show it to me. We'll slide into the page. We're at an hour.

All right. There's, yeah, I'll just show you this video. We'll get to the page. What a cliffhanger, dude. Wow. What's this vid? Show me the vid. I also got to leak the fucking people who who I can't say too much

December 13th and 14th come out to Worcester, Massachusetts to the Woo Ha Ha comedy club, come on man 19th, 20th, 21st Raleigh, North Carolina at Good Nights December 26th, 27th, 28th

Magoobie's Joke House. Down there in Baltimore. Down there in Baltimore. How about those Ravens? I like their quarterback. Yeah, he's nice. 9th, 10th, and 11th of January, Buffalo Comedy Club.

Or Helium Buffalo. That'll be a good one. That'll be strong. The turds rolling with me to a lot of these. Turd and Beezer, I think. On most of these. It's like Bebop and Rocksteady, dude. Dude. You're Master Shredder. Those two. Just send those two out. me to a lot of these turd and beezer i think on most of these bebop and rocksteady dude dude

you're master shredder those two just send those two out uh yeah we'll switch over the page let's do it god bless