Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - S4 Ep38: Ep 146-Live from Shane's Parent's Basement

Episode Date: September 3, 2019

Shane and O'Connies went to the Gettysburg battlefield to pay their respex to all those who gave their lives, not the guys who gave their lives to keep slavery going. That was a pretty gnarly miscalculation on their part. Sux for them. Then we interviewed Shane's Dad, which was tight as H-E-DOuble-L. 

We're here, baby. We're here, baby. The one thing I wait for for a year, I get 12 of these a year. Yeah, this is a kickoff. You can miss the kickoff, dude. Do you think they're going to pause it? There's no chance my dad pauses Notre Dame for me to do a fucking podcast. Really?

Why not? All right, we are live from my parents' basement. We are actually live from my parents' basement. Yeah, tensions are mounting, dude. Tensions are mounting because we just recorded for 15 minutes with Chris O'Connor, our guest, dumbass microphone on. Look, I'm the only one who can't see the levels. I was told the levels were... You're putting it on him?

You're the only one that didn't know how to switch on the microphone. I thought I did switch it on. I saw the switch and I thought I switched it on. You thought you switched it on. I was, yeah, I was fairly certain. Classic sabotage. When you were like, is the mic even on? You could hear the switch.

You could hear him turn it on and then be like, weren't the levels showing up? It's like, dude, it was off. The mic was off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But before, you said that my levels were coming up. Yeah, that was weird. It must have been. I don't know what happened.

So I didn't know if that was like. Because I was watching everyone. Everyone was coming up and everything. So who knows? Who knows? Right now, though, we're on an absolute time. We had a great joke. We had a great start about my mom

dumping the ceiling oh we gotta drop the whole dump thing fuck well anyway we're in the basement where uh my mom took a shit upstairs and uh clogged the toilet so hard that the ceiling in the basement collapsed which is crazy which is one of the more powerful dumps of all time. She brought the roof down, dude. That's like when Shaq brought the room down. She shattered it, bro. It had to be a toilet paper incident. Hopefully. Because ladies double up on the TP. Dude.

They got the front and the back. Every girl I've ever been with says I use way too much toilet paper. Girls learn how to take good shit. Girls take clean dumps, too. Yeah, man. Although, I've got to be honest with you. Joan dropping the heat up there, bringing the the ceiling down i doubt that was a clean i bet that was a that sounds like a full release you think she has some sweet treats i think she

might have been sneaking sweet treats and it resulted in a catastrophic dump dude i told you hindenburg of dumps i've talked about this before my uh my cousin one time made me go check out his mom's dump. His mom shit real hard and never flushed it. It was like a long, thick, tan dump. Yeah, yeah. We used to play a game where it was called Sniff the John, where I'd take a dump, and you'd have to go face as close as you could to the turd and smell as much as you could.

Whoever could smell the most won. So he goes, what do you win? I never talked about Sniff the John. Respect and pride. Yeah, Sniff you win? I never talked about Sniff the John. Respect and pride. Yeah, Sniff the John was like, it was Sniff the John, and then we would make each other eggs, and you'd put in as many different weird spices as possible, and whoever could eat it, that was a win.

So he went up the one time. You should have combined those games. That would have been a tough win. No, no, I mean, after you eat the egg. Sniff the turd. Someone's going to smell that turd, and that's going to be rough. We were playing. He was just like, yo, check this out.

And I went up. I'm like, dude, that's fucking huge. And I was like, obviously bent down, sniffed it. He was like, that's my mom. Oh, my God. He's like, you sniffed your aunt's turd? How did no one get their head dunked while you bent down? It was a gentleman's game.

Dude, how? I could never, dude. I could never watch someone that close to a turd and not dunk dunk it because you would feel the turd hit your face which would be so funny that would suck i'll come face to face with the face of the turd dude oh underwater just poking you i would love the camera angle just the bubbles like I would love the camera angle Just the bubbles Like Yeah dude You'd be gasping for air

A turd might sneak in there Like an eel Yeah yeah yeah You know the feeling Of like breathing underwater In a pool Imagine knowing the feeling Of breathing in a turd

Underwater Just making contact with it Like and having it Just bob Nice plug Yeah yeah yeah It would suck so much I'd take pictures Of big sh suck so much i take pictures of big

shits though you take pictures of big shit yeah yeah yeah i used to it's been a long time since i've done that yeah it's been a long time i think i'm more mature yeah true i have matured that would have been a picture dude i think it dropped immediately? When she dumped it was just... Oh, man. The drop ceiling when it falls. Ew, dude. That's a big dump. Joan dropping heat. What was the fallout?

What was Phil saying? The fallout was obviously my mom was incredibly like, don't tell anyone about this. And as soon as I got home, my dad was like, yeah, Joan took a crap, dumped out the ceiling. Does insurance cover that? Do we have dumpers? Homeowners.

We are farmers. And the guy shows, yeah, you know those commercials? That was chaos, dude. That was chaos. The sweet treats you snuck at midnight. Blast out of my mom's ass. Just going to the toilet and jackknifing. A lot of tiles.

That dropped 15, three, no, they're, okay, no, they're like four, or yeah, what are they? Oh, no, you're right. Yeah, they're like 12 by 12s, 18 by 18s. Yeah. She eliminated like 120 square feet. Yeah, 120 square feet dump. From one dump. That's my mom, y'all.

Damn. Do you know how you do fire damage, too, when you inspect? I'm inspecting the Joyces right now, and usually if there's been a fire, there's these char marks. There might be dump damage on those. If they go to sell a property inspector to get set up here, it's like, who took a dump here? Did someone dump out the ceiling? Yeah, the guy with the flashlight on his helmet. It's like someone dumped out the ceiling up here.

No matter of fact about it. It's like you guys had someone dump out the fucking ceiling. It looks like it was back in 19. Oh, my God. Dude, dumping out the ceiling is fucking... Dumping out the ceiling is insane. That's the best, dude. That's insane.

That is the best. I had a buddy that was working in construction, and they had completed a building, and tenants moved in and everything. It was office space. And then they had this huge clog, and none of the toilets were flushing. They were all overflowing and everything. So they had to go down there and figure out what it was. And basically, this guy had this snake with a hammer on the end of it.

And he put it down one of the toilets. He put it all the way down. It was like meeting the street. Right? And there was a guy in the basement right next to the joint on the radio. They were inspecting it. And the guy with the hammer in the toilet was like, all right. He said he was with the guy who had the hammer. And they had the radio. What were like inspecting it. And the guy with the hammer in the toilet was like, all right. He's like,

he said he was with the guy who's had the hammer and they had the radio. What kind of hammer was this? It's like, it's just like a, it's basically the hammer on the end of like a metal

sort of like pipe cleaner. Like a snake. Yeah, yeah. Well, how would he hit it? Oh, so he's hitting it down. So they would jam it, right? Oh. And the guy,

the guy's like, all right, I'm going to go ahead and jam it. And the guy in the basement's like, all right. He hits it and then they just hear like burst there was like shit apparently like all the women in the office were just putting their tampons down the toilet yeah and it just had clogged by the street and then when they blew

this thing open it was just tampons fucking everywhere they went down the guy was like knee deep in shit and tampons oh my god what would you rather be knee deep in shit just tampons fucking everywhere. They went down. The guy was like knee deep in shit and tampons. Oh, my God. What would you rather be knee deep in, shit or tampons? Tampons, probably. Tampons, I guess. I don't know, man. Yeah, I don't know.

Knee deep in tampons? Knee deep, but at least the tampons aren't going to really smell compared to. Yeah, right. It's going to be a gross smell. Pussy blood doesn't smell? Not as bad as shit. You ever get a lot of it, dude? Yeah, I put my face in it, baby.

That's true. Shit is shit, dude. That's true. Pussy blood. Pussy blood is disgusting. The smell is brutal. The sight of it would be horrendous. I would say smells go bad on shit.

The sight of fucking, like the Huns just came in and fucking decimated a village. It would be bad. That would be very hard to look at. And just the other stuff. Yeah. Fucking clumps. You ever fuck with a to look at. And just the other stuff? Yeah. Fucking clumps. You ever fuck with a clump? Yeah, you get clumps of pussy.

Pussy, yeah, it's not like it's blood. It's never just blood. It's always like black and gross. Can you get STDs from poop? Yeah, you gotta be able to, right? I don't know. I don't know. Interesting.

Like, if your butt's not bleeding. Oh, you can get like... If the person's butt isn't bleeding, if it's just the poop, can you get an STD from that? I think you just get wild diseases. You can get sick. Porn stars get sick from doing the ass-to-mouth stuff. Really? Yeah, a lot of people getting sick from that.

Yeah, what do they get? They get like fucking... E. coli. They get like cholera. Yeah, yeah. Wild shit. Yeah, yeah. You get fucked up.

That's a bad practice to spread. Ass-to-mouth is not necessary up That's a bad practice to spread Ass to mouth is not necessary Yeah If you love someone You would not be like Now suck my dick After I took it out of your ass I'd do that Why would you not do that

Ass to mouth Dude Send a message Ew Send a message Well what if they What if they like They do it

You know They do it right Where they like Don't eat for 48 hours Or 24 hours beforehand So now you're gonna starve Now you're gonna starve your partner so that your ass dick doesn't make them sick. Yeah. Look, hey, you go to extremes.

It's not disgusting, Matt. It's disgusting. Sorry. Sorry, I've been reading too much Chris Edges, dude. I'm totally against porn. Fuck books. I hate porn, dude. Oh, really?

I love porn. No, I think it's bad. I'm really starting to think it's bad. So bad. No shit, it's bad. So bad. Everything's bad. Yeah, yeah No shit it's bad. So bad. Everything's bad. Yeah, yeah.

Well, no. Not doing ATM is good. No, that's bad. It feels good. No, it doesn't. It feels good. Taking your dick out of someone's ass and putting it in their mouth. Dick in someone's butt and mouth feels good.

ATM self-suck is where it's at. What's that? If you're in someone's ass and you self-suck. And then you pull out and suck your own dick? All right. That's crazy. What's that? If you're in someone's ass and you self-suck. And then you pull out and suck your own dick? All right. That's crazy. That's called a fun dip. That's fair.

That's crazy. Porn rules. I love sex workers. Sex workers? That's a sad story. Dude, I support my sex workers. I support them. I support them.

I'm going to start saving them. I almost saved one in LA. I had a porn star come up after a set and be like, that was so good. I was DMing her. She DMed me and then I was DMing her. Was it a known? She's not known. I looked her up. You could tell she was a porn star though.

She had the look. I'll show you her. Dead-eyed? Yes. Eyes like a doll. Shark face. Apparently they get kind of stunk. They get like snuck into what's called gonzo porn.

Yeah. We talked about this. Oh, yeah, we talked about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They get stuck into doing like that shit on like the bang bus. Shit's real. That shit's crazy. I like it.

You like it. There's just fucking manuality. Dude, I will tell you what. When you run into a porn star, it's nice to see. What do you mean? They're sexy. Oh, yeah. Even though they're gross they're

gross like hookers you can tell you can spot it i mean they are basically hookers yes they literally are yes really it's like you do porn in desperation and then like that dries up and they're like all right well now that you have like a slight following of just fucking weirdos we're going to put you up in a hotel for like a weekend at a time and these guys are gonna come through and plow you and be like oh I watched you from nail and pail. You just get pimped. But the thing that sucks is they do. Here she is.

This is the week I met her. That's what she was up to. They go and, like, strip and stuff. That's how they make their money, right? Dude, that's disgusting. It's pretty cool. I hate it, dude. I'm off the phone.

Whoa. I mean, obviously it's, you know. I can't fuck with porn with bald porn stars. No, that guy's good. Bald male porn star, dude, I'm not with it. I just don't like, the thing is when you're looking for porn. You like your porn star with a nice head of hair. Nice head of hair, I do. Bald.

No, I'm talking about straight cut off. Dude can have like a horseshoe going on, but dudes like straight Lex Luthor, I'm like, there's something about it aesthetically. I'm like, yeah. Or dudes with like tats on like their dick, like the V type tat. Yeah. Or dudes are too shaved. Yeah.

Guys like totally hairless with fucking, it's just like, dude, what the fuck are you doing? Yeah. Well, apparently they do like injections into their dick. Really? Yeah. Dude, porn stars, dude, you can't stay hard that long. They're not me. Why wouldn't they just take, like, a blue chew or something?

And it starts to wear off, dude. Really? If you're doing it all day, every day. So they start doing these things where you just inject your dong with something that hardens it up, and you just, like, shoot all day. Oh, my God. Dude, their dick get all, like, track marked up. Dude, it's fucked.

Yeah, it's probably, like, feeling. You don't have feeling in it after a while. If you're injecting it with shit to make it hard, chafe it up. Yeah, you do. You're a little rowdy. You're ruining it. The chick's fucking buttholes rip constantly. Maybe it's not as dark as we think, though, also.

Maybe there's some fun shoots. There's got to be some fun, yeah. They have some fun sometimes. Yeah, everyone's high and drunk and fucked up. Yeah, hell yeah. That rules. That does. Well, if it's just some amateurish stuff, then it's fun.

You know? If it's just them fucking around in their house. True. If I hear that... Counterpoint. Point. No, that's true. I'm fucking moderating a nice debate right now.

You're talking Rock and Shay? Yeah, dude. I'm all about that. I've noticed a lot of people starting to do just like, you know, DIY porn. DIY porn's nice. There's a hot lady that keeps her face out of it. She keeps her face out of porn. I hate that, dude.

I hate that. I need her face. I don't need to. I need to see the face, too. Yeah, show me your face. But you can look her up. Which one are you looking at? I forget.

The caption's always, like, athletic babe. Yeah, is it, like, Leo and Lulu or whatever? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Leo and Lulu? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a couple. They're great. She's, like, yeah, she's great. She's so hot. Great skill set. Yeah, I it like Leo and Lulu or whatever? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Leo and Lulu? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're great. She's like, yeah, she's great. She's so hot.

Great skill set. Yeah, I fucks with that. That is something I'm like, that's kind of nice. Keep your face out of it. When they're talking about like mass porn production, that's when they're like, this is fucked up. Oh, yeah, it's disgusting. Dude, the chick I met in LA was like hard to look at. Yeah, man.

It's gross. I'll show you what she looks like. Her shoulders have been snatched out of her body. Yeah. Yeah, when the makeup is like layered on. Layered makeup. Like thick and you're like, no. Covered in tatsatched out of her body. Yeah, when the makeup is layered on thick. Covered in tats.

Yeah. Tit job. Anyway, let's talk about something better, like Gettysburg. Yeah, dude, you guys are just there. Wow. We go from fucking porn and tits to the Civil War, dude. Fuck. That's what it's about. My mom dumping, porn, Civil War.

It's all related, dude. We're hitting the topics. Yeah. Yeah, me and Christopher, I took Christopher down to Gettysburg. It's all related. We're hitting the topics. Um, yeah, me and Christopher, I took, I took Christopher down to Gettysburg. It was his first time. I said,

why don't you head down here? I'll show you something. Do you give him the tour? I gave him a pretty decent tour. It was nice to be able to drive there without looking and then be like, this is the Southern end of, uh, pickets charge across the field.

I'd be like, that's where they went. They went through this clearing of trees to try to get over there. Fuck. And then we went up to Little Round Top, which you may know from the famous movie Gettysburg. Of course. Jeff Daniels and the 20th Maine. For sure.

Jeff Daniels. That's where they charged. Yeah. We were up there. It was fucking sick. It was really wild. Did they all die? No, they won.

Did they? Yeah. They're thinking glory. I'm all die? No, they won. Did they? Yeah. They're thinking Glory. I'm just nodding my head, dude. Glory, oh, they all died in Glory, yeah. Glory, yeah. They tried to charge. Oh, that's what I was thinking of before.

The black guys? Yeah, yeah. Glory's the one with the cannonball hits that guy in the face. Oh, there you go. Yeah, yeah. I was like, I don't remember that in Caddy's face. Yeah, yeah. Took a cannonball to the face?

Yeah, he's like, let's go! And he turns around and a cannonball just hits him, takes his head off. God, that fucking sucks. That'd be a good way to go compared to most deaths in that. True, laying a cannonball off your head is nice. Yeah, true. Yeah, we were looking at some of the charges they have. The bullets were just like a case full of beads.

Yeah, the artillery. There's this fire thing that sprays everything. Oh, like the shrapnel spray kind of thing? Yeah, yeah. Except it's just, it's like golf ball sized balls of like metal. Golf balls. Just perfectly smooth. The canister shot is what it's called.

And when they get within like 300 yards, it's just. What was the objective of the Civil War? Was the South trying to get up to like the Capitol? Like why were they? The South was north of the Capitol. We're in Gettysburg, man. Yeah, but I'm saying, like, if you're... So it's a civil war.

They have a bunch of cannons and shit pointing at you. It's like, all right, let's fucking walk around this shit and try to come from the other side. You know what I'm saying? They almost did that. What was the objective? All right, to destroy each other's army. Okay.

So the only way that gets done is if you fight each other. So they weren't trying to get to a specific place? No, no, no. Just trying to break the spirit? Well, there were a couple times Where they were like We're gonna try So they were gonna try

To get the army out of DC Yeah Try to lure the army of the Potomac Out of DC So they could take it But They were never gonna be able to take DC They were like

At that The south was winning every battle Up until Gettysburg Yeah It was kind of like a war of attrition Where the north was getting tired of it. The people in the North were like, we got to stop this. We just keep getting our fucking dicks knocked in.

So they were losing. The North was losing bad. What? Bad until Gettysburg. That was the turning point. That was the turning point. And then we were standing at the turning point. How the fuck were we losing?

The turning point of the turning point, which was pretty sick. Yeah. At the end of Little Round Top. How the fuck were we losing? We were losing because the North had a lot of inept generals that were like, they... Yeah, wasn't one of them like a drunk? No, that was Ulysses S. Grant.

He was a drunk, and he was the best. He was our best guy, because he was like, fuck it, we'll just throw people. We have more people than them. So every battle, we can just fucking, we can go person for person, and we'll end this thing in a war of attrition. Who was the dude who was like, we just got to keep training? That was McClellan.

Oh, okay, yeah. McClellan, they all loved him. All the soldiers loved him somehow. But he never fought. He was always afraid to fight. He was a big trainer. He just had his boys training nonstop. And he always overestimated whatever the South had. Like, no matter what.

And Lee, generally, they had Lee the whole time he was good he was a beast yeah he was bill belichick he was the coach dude he was the genius he was fucking everybody up but at gettysburg so like you said like why don't they walk around uh every battle was defensive yeah most point for the south usually the south would get somewhere set up shop and the north would come to them okay and so they would just be dominating so they would just come up and be like we're in your state yeah what are you gonna do about it we're like you better get out of our state what are you gonna do about it dude uh where they have banners like we love slaves no they went the route of like they would would never mention slavery. Yeah. Ever. They never were like, hell yeah, slavery.

So they were like, this is about this. They were like, this is about states' rights. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And death to tyrants. Yeah, because they were being. Because they were like, the federal government was telling the state what to do. Yeah. Which back then wasn't happening.

So that was a, so the federal government won that one. The federal government was like, yo, you guys better fucking listen. Damn. And they did. And now they listen. Yeah, they won that one. Yeah, the federal government won., yo, you guys better fucking listen. Damn. And they did. And now they listen. Yeah, they won that one. Yeah, the federal government won. We were the federals.

They were the confederates. They were anti-federal. Wow. The confederates. So they're basically like, you can't tell us. The federal government has no say in the state's rights. Yeah. The federal government was like, yeah.

The federal government was like, well, yeah, we do. Yeah, we're going to, so they're like, we'll kill you guys. Yeah. If you guys don't do this. The north was hesitant, we do. Yeah, we're going to... So they're like, we'll kill you guys. Yeah. If you guys don't do this. The North was hesitant, I think. The South was the one who seceded. They wanted the... They were like...

And then the Union was like, you can't leave. We can't split this country in half. Yeah. You guys are staying. We're leaving. They were like, you're fucking staying. Come here. So it wasn't as much...

We're a fucking family. Now get over here. So in terms of the slavery thing, was it wasn't as family we're a fucking family now get over here so in terms of in terms of the slavery thing what was it as much as slavery or not uh yeah it was about slavery so the south tries to act like it wasn't yeah like it's about states rights it's about states rights to own slaves yeah like we gotta stop it and people from the south always be like the north was just trying to like cripple the south's economy by taking away slavery it's like why would. They're in the same country. They're not trying to do that.

That's contradictory to a lot of the stuff too. They're like, slaves aren't even that big of a deal anyway. People didn't even really have them. People didn't have them. People didn't have them. You had them. Didn't have them. No one was thinking you probably had them. You did have them.

Elon Musk. O'Conney's is what I was going to say. Elon Musk was in South Africa. I was thinking about that Yo, Elon Musk. Oh, Connie's is what I was going to say. Yeah, Elon Musk was in South Africa. Yeah, I was thinking about that today. Elon Musk probably had them. Elon Musk was in South Africa? Oh, yeah, dude. Oh, he had them. He's like a billionaire South African.

Oh, that's some blood diamonds down there. He was a bower. He was a bower. Not a huge fan of the... Yeah, I'm trying to think how his family amassed their fortune. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know if he was that rich. That's why he's working so hard to build robots.

He's like, well, we can't have slaves anymore. I better get some fucking robots. My family's going to have to work. All the AIs just shaved like black dudes. He's like, what? This is the prototype. He's like, well, I just programmed its voice. He's like, yes, I'm mad.

He's like, that's something we're's like I just programmed its voice It's like yes I'm mad So he's like That's something we're working on That's how robots talk I was Sorry I was watching On the way up here I'm like this dude Cause he is from like

A super wealthy family right I don't know He has to be I don't think you become Like a self made rocket billionaire Yeah you don't You don't just be like Oh I guess I'll build

A fucking rocket Yeah I know he was like Bullied real bad Really People were beating The shit out of him a lot I like that When he was younger Yeah, I guess I'll build a fucking rocket. Yeah. I know he was bullied real bad. Really? People were beating the shit out of him a lot. I like that. When he was younger?

Yeah. And then he wanted to build a Chappie. I'm going to America. Yeah, and he started PayPal. So he was in South Africa when he was young? Oh, yeah. Dang. Was he in Jayburg?

Johannesburg? Oh, I thought you were saying something else. No, no. Johannesburg. Damn, dude, chill. Chill, chill, chill. I thought about Johannesburg. He might have been.

He built a Chappie. He's trying to build a Chappie. He's like, come on, brew. They're making fun of me, brew. You have to go to Mars, brew. Wait, I was on a roll, dude. I was fired up. Let's go to war, dude.

Let's talk. Yeah. All right, so your point was, why don't they just fucking go around them? Yeah, yeah. So that was what happened. So the South was usually fighting a defensive war. Okay. Then they got to Gettysburg.

That was the only time they invaded the North. That was the only time they ever even got into the North. So it was a one and done. They were feeling the roots. They were feeling good. They were undefeated. They were fucking us up pretty much everywhere. Fuck.

And then- God, they must have been so annoying. Like, yee-bee-hee-bee-hee. Exactly. The rebel yell was so gay. Yee-bee-hee-bee-hee. Like, dude, shut up. The rebel yell is so gay Shut up But

Yeah then Lee So his right hand man Stonewall Jackson got killed Friendly fire Imagine killing the general at battle Being the guy who fucking nails him That's a big win Yeah be like I got a guy

I shot him off a horse Yeah it's like kind of smoky Yeah you're like yes Nailed him Did you ever play paintball? you hit someone it's so satisfying you shot the general they're like well their general's dead now i'll be like fucking yes yeah except it was you on your own team you shot your own job oh yeah who shot him his own guy his own guy shot him friendly fire yeah he was evil it was kind of a double agency, he was kind of a dumbass. Double agency? No, it was kind of a dumb fucking move. I think he was doing like a night... They killed that guy?

I don't think. I think everyone was like, you're gonna have to live with that one, dude. You just killed like the most famous southern general. You lost the war. He was on like a night ride like behind enemy lines. He was kind of fucking dumb. Yeah.

Who, Stonewall? Stonewall Jackson was kind of fucking dumb. Yeah. Who, Stonewall? Stonewall Jackson was kind of a fucking blockhead. So he and him and some other... Rocks for brains. Dude, if he cheddar-bobbed himself, that'd be hilarious. So his boy, was him and his boy doing a night ride? Yeah, him and his boy were out kissing out in the woods, and a confederate rolled up on him and was like,

hey, goddammit, knock it off. Shot him. Stop. That's what happened. Stonewall Jackson was rock hard, dude. He him. Stop. That's what happened. Stonewall Jackson was rock hard, dude. He was Stonewall.

That's what I call him. He was rock hard out there. So he got shot accidentally. He got shot accidentally. Yeah, it was friendly fire that killed him. How though?

It was nighttime. He was riding up on a fucking guard post. Yeah, he was probably coming back. Oh shit. Riding a horse, yeah.

And someone was just doing their job. Yeah, someone was just being a guard from the south. Some fucking moron from like Virginia was just just standing there who goes there yeah halt god damn it i said halt all fire shit i killed our general god damn i'm bad i'm not i'm not cut out for

soldiering yeah because the outfits were the same right except for the color the outfits yeah the outfits looked exactly like you know on all the statues it's like, I can't, because it's all bronze. Yeah, I'm always walking around looking to see what statue I'm taking down. I'm like, is that a fucking gray outfit? Is that Confederate or blue? Yeah, yeah. So it's blue, they freed slaves. True.

They abolished slavery by, you know, risking their own lives. Yeah. So that's kind of honorable. Yeah. You see some good boys out there. So anyway. So that's why they said they were a little confident this was their first invasion into the north and uh they they the north

set up a defensive position yeah along this ridge they were in like the shape of a j nice all right so now they're like a fish hook like a j on this this ridge in the south was coming in trying to attack. And Longstreet, his new right-hand man, was like, dude, we're killing them. All we have to do is be defensive. Let's retreat and set up on a mountain and tell them to come fucking get us. And Lee was feeling himself and was like, we can do it. This will be the true turning point. We're going to fuck them up. And yeah, they tried.

How many fell? Oh, man. You're talking probably 20 000 people damn in three days damn you're missing my my favorite part of the story which is uh when warren goes up warren warren warren goes to check out little round top and big round top he's like yeah i'm gonna see what our forces are looking like up there yeah so to set this up the j yeah at the bottom of the jay so if the jay was upright it'd be the so the fish hook at the top of the fish hook

not the point gotcha uh that's the left flank okay and it's it's unguarded it's the top of a mountain they're like a very small hill sure and uh yeah the general sends this guy up general warren to go check it out and he gets up up to the top and the whole Southern Army is on the other side. And he's like, oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Oh, shit, shit, shit. And he had to signal down with a flag, like, get the fuck up here. They're down here. Yeah, they're about to fucking stop.

It's great imagining a dude walking up the hill like, and let's see what the... Holy fuck. They're here to kill us. Oh, yeah. They were like coming up. And then the South got fucked, too, because they were looking at Big and Little Round Top and be like, yes, there's nobody up there.

There's no one here. It overlooks the whole battlefield. If we take this hill, it's over. The North rushed like 10,000 dudes up the other side of the mountain and just were standing up there waiting for them. So the Alabamians came up. Yeet!

Roll damn time Come on We got slaves still Dude and then the Rochester Racers came in Imagine if they won Oh yeah Honey we can keep our slaves We won

So the casualties I said was 20,000 That was just the Union I'm going like 24 was for the Union 36 28 28 for the 28 for the Confederates

So Now this is casualties But we have more people, so. Casualties. Not deaths. Yeah, that's like a dude down. I'm sure a lot of those turn into deaths. Yeah.

If you were wounded in the Civil War, you'd fucking die. They just got to cut it off. Or you got diarrhea, which is, I think more people die to that. Yeah, imagine being the dude who shot the general. You're just on a farm staring at fucking corn your whole life, and you're like, go to war and shoot the general, and then you lose. It's like the most pointless, senseless fucking existence you can think of. Yeah, man.

What a loser. He used to hit his wife. He's like, I guess I'll go to war. He shot the general and went home like, oh, my slaves are gone. How was the war? I don't want to talk about it like damn you must have seen some shit like not really i was a guard it's fucked up five years of your life it was all kind of a blur blur except one night where i killed stonewall jackson shot him in the fucking imagine if he could have been the guy who'd be like nah lee for real like let's not do this he would have probably not he was also a firm believer that like god had

his true that's why he was stoned he just stood in the middle of like artillery fire being like well if it's my time to die it's my time to die god that was the fall of magellan oh when he got hit with sticks magellan the Explorer. He had a dude with him. He was like, we'll show them that our God's the best. There's 300 of them and 30 of us. Let's show them what Christians do. And everyone deserted. He just died.

He got hit with blocks. His slave was the one who actually circumnavigated the globe. Magellan died before fully circumnavigating the globe. Really? The only guy left was his slave. His slave was just on the boat. True. He had enough sense to be like, yo.

He was a slave and probably a rat from where they took off. He circumnavigated it. He had enough sense to be like, yeah, I'm going to sit this battle out, dude. That's great. I remember as a kid, I had a computer game about explorers where you would click it. It wasn't even a game. It would just click it and it would show you. And Magellan's was like him running on a beach with people throwing shit at him.

It was great. It was great. I even remember as a kid being like, ha-ha. What a fucking asshole. Yeah, he went down hard. But there was also some pretty wild. There was some cool ones. Fuck, I forget the guy's name.

There was a young kid out of West Point. So what's cool is you go to- Cushing or something? You go to, yeah. Kushner? Kushner. Not Kushner. Jerry Kushner. to yeah Kushner Kush not Kush you go to uh you can go to

Pickett's Charge you can see what's the high water mark of the south like the furthest they push north it's fucking awesome really yeah you can see it because they broke through the line right there and there's like a monument right there where it's like this is as far as these fucking retards got it's like hell yeah there's no waffle houses above this line this is the waffle house line dude they uh but then there's this monument to this dude who was like holding the artillery so they had artillery set out and there was an hour and a half bombardment from the south to like loosen up the lines before they charged pick his charge yeah and this guy started with like six batteries he was

down to one cannon everybody got killed he got shot like in the chest and the groin it said so he probably got shot in the dick yeah he probably took a bullet to the dick yeah and while they were charging he was getting held up by another officer and he was like leaning on a cannon and fired one more canister shot and then took a bullet in the mouth. That's how he died. Mouth open. Imagine if a musket ball bounced and then hit you in the nuts. Just the fucking stomach pain, dude. I mean, that guy took an armpit and groin shot.

I love that he fired one more shot, though. Leaned against a can and just like, faggots. Yeah, yeah. If you shot me in the dick, I would- Fuck you guys. Fucking idiots. Just right in the mouth. The description of this dude was like, he looked like a woman, but I've never seen a finer fighter in my life. Yeah, yeah.

He looked like a fucking schoolgirl, but boy, he was tough. He did. He was like 20. You see his picture. So he was hot. He was a hot boy. You guys were like, we're going to want to fuck this guy. Ooh, that was another topic We got into

How many of the boys Do you think Got after it In the Civil War Yeah we're talking about hazing We're talking about West Point We went from hazing But then straight to just

How many boys do you And then I told Chris He would have raped Chris would have Yeah In the camps Chris would have been Butt fucking

How many How many of those young boys Were getting raped It's probably a lot dude Those drummer boys Getting passed around. Yeah. No doubt.

Some POWs. Some Confederate POWs. Some hot southern boys. Oh, you think you'd take them in and just fuck them? Yeah, yeah. I'd get it. Probably. I mean, dude, if people have gay sex in jail in the 1800s out in the woods, they're fucking boys.

Yeah, they'd be all dehydrated and drunk. Colonel Epstein. Where were you? Man, that's something they don't talk about. Yeah, I know be all dehydrated and drunk. Colonel Epstein. Where were you? Man, that's something they don't talk about. Yeah, I know. They don't. I bet you can find some stuff about drummer boys getting it. I mean, if a chick walked around the battlefield, she definitely got raped.

We were talking about how tough those dudes must have been. Those rapists you're saying? Those were the toughest rapists ever. Oh, no, but just overall. Tough dudes, yeah. Like, you're in those are the toughest races ever yeah but just just overall tough dudes yeah like you're in full cotton yeah your whole uniform is long sleeve long pants this was in the beginning of july it was like 90 degrees out like 95 degrees you definitely have a rash and also there's no water no one no one knows about hydration yeah why are we sick i don't know yeah yeah i was in

the blood meridian they talk about that how it's like You get water Every like two days Thank god Thank god I'm not dead Instead they have like A pinch of whiskey And they're just Standing there in the heat Drinking whiskey

Like I mean it was It was definitely It was constant headaches Constant Yeah It was like Then you

They're probably numb to it They're probably just So much pain All the time Yeah maybe they didn't Like thirst Yeah no I think they did

No I I think they were like I think the ha, I think they did. No, I think they were, like, I think the hazing, I think they were doing fucking elephant walks and putting shit in each other's butts. Someone got stuff

in their butt for sure. Definitely. That's a thing that's been passed down. Yeah, that's generations old. The wrestling team in my high school did that. I think that's more

of a newer thing when it comes, now, of course, of course forever, but I'm saying, like, we were talking about, like, West Point back then. Yeah. I'm sure there was some level of, like thing when it comes. No, of course, of course, forever. But I'm saying like we were talking about like West Point back then. Yeah.

I'm sure there was some level of like, we are gentlemen. No. Yeah. And it was also. Oh, we played a joke on Taft. You'd also go to hell. Yeah, yeah. If you like touch another guy's butthole and make it 100, you went to hell.

Yeah. No, but that's always one of those like, those double-sided things. It's like, you know, how the Taliban's all, like, strict about sex and stuff, but they fuck each other and little boys and, like, rape women and stuff. Dude, did you just compare the Union soldiers to the Taliban?

I'm just saying. Bro. They purport to have a certain... I took you to Gettysburg today. I tried to knock this... Knock this liberal junk out of your head. Also, my favorite part of the trip, favorite part of the trip,

was Chris looking out the window like a dog every monument we passed to see if old Connecticut made the list. And boy, Connecticut was not too prevalent. They didn't send a lot of soldiers? I think they did, but we just didn't find one monument for Connecticut. Yeah, not one. We went a couple lines deep and we saw one for Delaware.

So Connecticut was somewhere behind Delaware. Damn, dude. Which is not good. They kept the Connecticut boys in the back. Damn, dude. Which is not good. They kept the Connecticut boys in the back. Connecticut sweet boys. Sweet boys out there. That's who they were fucking. PA, dude, the Bucktail Brigade.

They would just rotate back and fuck the Connecticut guys. That's the PA boys, the Bucktail Brigade, dude. Fire some shots, come back and plow some of those Connecticut boys. Get deep in those Connecticut guts. They should have a monument to all the Connecticut's that raped. They do. It says, come Nettiquette. That's what we would call it.

Come Nettiquette. We would jizz up in you. Oh my God. I don't believe this. There's just a harem of fucking people from Connecticut. They'd be like,

I want that one. Yeah, you just pick them out. I'd see, you and me would be sitting there. Oh, for sure. The 69th Brigade out of Philly. Pinch of whiskey, spit and tobacco.

You'd see old Christopher with his, you'd have like a feather in your cap. You'd be all pomp. You'd be like, oh, papa, I'm off to war now. Me and McCusker would scoop you up. Why don't you come over here, man? Come over here.

We'll give you a little, you want a pinch of tobacco? I could see that. I've never tried such a thing. Oh, war is an adventure. I've only sipped cognac before. Just like that, dude. Me and McCuskey. I could see that.

If I was like a general back in the day, having a real Virginia Cavalier style to it. Big feather in the cap. You'd be Custer. Yeah, yeah. You'd have a horse with white gloves. Dressed like Plessy Boots. Yeah, yeah, white gloves. You would.

That's what Jeb Stewart dressed like. Jeb Stewart? Who's Jeb? Jeb Stewart. He was the southern. He was like the cavalry from the south. He was like the guy, but he was real fucking cocky with his outfit. Really?

I'd have a real thin sword. You would? Saber, yeah. Yeah. Ooh, you'd have a rapier. Yeah, that's right. I don't know what I'd be. I'd just be a fat guy in a coat.

I'd be a dirty dude with a dirty ass, dude. I'd have a fucked up ass for sure. I think you and I would both be dirty assed. Yeah. Shitty dudes standing there. They didn't have toilet paper back then. No. Everyone had a fucked up ass.

I think they had like a cloth that they just kept on them. Wiped their ass with? That's what handkerchiefs were for? Yeah. I think you just kind of like, what the fuck? No, you used like acorns. You used acorns, I thought. You used fucking acorns to wipe your ass? That's what I heard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What? No, you use like acorns. You use acorns, I thought. You don't use fucking acorns to wipe your ass?

That's what I heard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What? So plug it? No, no, because it's like, you can't use leaves because you might get like, you know, some type of thing. I swear to God. You don't stick an acorn. You just use the smooth edge of it.

They probably took good dumps, too. There's probably no half-taken dumps back then. I bet there's a lot of sloppy dumps, too. I think when you dump. Oh, they were diarrhea. Because if you get to the end of a dump, you don't got to wipe your ass that much. You know like a dog doesn't have to wipe his ass?

I think because they were probably squatting. If you're squatting in the woods, you're not taking half a dump and being like, oh, I'm just smearing away the top of a turd. I believe they had cloth. Yeah. Dogs also have like...

Like what you would keep and throw away. Like shit papers. Dogs also have calloused Buttholes True You know It's the same way Like their paws get hard So they can just like

Run on anything Yeah you would think I'd have a hard butthole After you shit without wiping For like years I've done this My ass still gets a flame You shit without wiping

For a long time It just gets hard And calloused And you just don't feel it It's not like moist They sold toilet paper Really Yeah They had like Yeah That's good Thank god calloused and they just don't feel it. It's not like moist. They sold toilet paper. Really?

Yeah. They had to. They had to. They had like, yeah. That's good. Thank God. That sucks. What the fuck did they do with it? It's just boxes, little boxes of paper.

Probably buried it. That was a major problem. Burying shit paper. The giant armies just dumping everywhere, breaking down basement ceilings, a bunch of Joan Gillises around there causing fucking headaches. But yeah, they would shit like prison camps, just filled with cholera, like the worst disease

you can get just because everyone's shitting everywhere. Yeah, I don't think they... And everybody had diarrhea. Yeah. That's enough. Even to not even kill each other, if people had a conflict and they all went into a field and started shitting, I'm like, alright, we gotta come up with a fucking... There's gotta be another way. We gotta come to the table shitting. I'm like, all right, we've got to come up with a fucking... There's got to be another way. We've got to come to the table and talk.

You're right, dude. You're exactly right. It took them a while. I think it wasn't until the 1900s they figured out how deep you had to dig a hole so that the bacteria couldn't get out of it. It was late. They measured how far whatever thing in your shit would go before it would die, and it was like four feet or something like that.

Yeah, it's rough. Rough times. Yeah. Wow, man. We're just talking Civil War. That's disgusting. Yeah, this is good. This is the Civil War.

If we went down the South and started shitting everywhere, like, all right, knock it off. What the fuck are you guys talking about? Yeah, that war's over. Yeah, that's what Sherman did. He was like, I'm going to march to Atlanta. Shit. He just dumped the whole time.

He just brought 30,000 dudes down with him. And they just shit in every town. That was part of it, though. That was part of it. Like, they'd light your town on fire. You'd come out. It was just burning buildings and big turds. You're like, what the fuck?

What did we do? It sucks. Yeah. All the husbands were dead. There was turds everywhere. And you're like, what the fuck? And we just broke everything. And they're free in the blacks. Damn it. What a bad a bad year someone burnt my house down took a shit on the porch

oh my god burned down new orleans too didn't they go all the way isn't there a battle of new orleans i think there might have been some sea a siege what a siege siege siege of new orleans but i could be wrong damn there's dude. New Orleans was a big city. It was a cool painting. It was a very, but it was, that was like the Western Theater of the Civil War. Yeah. It was more north of that. Yeah, yeah.

Up the Mississippi. That's where Ulysses is. That was proxy battles. That's where Grant started his fucking, got his start. He was out there in like Vicksburg. Along the Mississippi, he was fucking shit up. He was the guy winning. Yeah. He was the only guy they had that was winning. Damn. They brought him in. Theyicksburg, along the Mississippi. He was fucking shit up. He was the guy winning. He was the only guy they had that was winning.

Damn. They brought him in. They were like, dude, come east. Get the Vicksburg. That's my favorite part of the good, the bad, and the ugly, when there's like a whole bunch of soldiers coming at them, and they're all gray, so they start flipping their jackets around. They're like, ooh, yeah, Confederacy.

And then they get close, and they're just dusty Union soldiers. Yeah, yeah. They're like, woo, yeah, Confederacy. And then they get close and they're just dusty Union soldiers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're like, oh, fuck. God damn it. We were kidding. Fuck. But yeah, we can't,

I mean, we could talk tees. We got some tea talk in the chamber. There was some tees in the Civil War. There was a bunch of tees. Stop. Really? Yeah, women would dress like men and go fight.

Oh. Like Joan of Arc. Until dress like men and go fight. Oh. Damn. Like Joan of Arc. Until somebody found out, and then exactly what you would think happened. Really? I think a couple times, yeah. Really? I think the secret got out in camp. Oh, they instantly found multiple boyfriends?

They instantly had too many boyfriends. Really? Yeah, they had one too many right away. That's what happened, though? I think that happened a couple times. So it was like Mulan. A couple of Mulans came. There was a bunch of Mulans, because back then, dude. Let's get happened though? I think that happened a couple times. So it was like Mulan. A couple of Mulans came. There was a bunch of Mulans

because back then, dude. Let's get down to business. It's 1860s. Yeah, it's like the women look like dudes. True. For sure. Oh, the hard hands and shit.

Ugh. Sun withered faces. Ew. Ugh. Flat chested fucking bitch. Ugh. And then you're in your tent and you're like,

hey, Marty, how come I've never seen you take off your slacks? Everyone else has their slacks off, Marty. Now I'm willing to keep a secret. Oh, you got a pussy? Come here. Oh, my God. I'm going to need that.

Oh, you brought a pussy here? Okay. I wonder if any of them were turned on by those epic dudes all around them. Just seeing heroes. I think a lot of them were not into dudes. You don't think so? If I had to guess, I would say those were the bullish of the bulldogs.

Those were the ultimate lesbians. Yeah, these were hot young chicks being like, oh my God, look at him, he's so strong. It was like a bunch of Raffinos. Yeah, yeah. Megan Rapinoe, is that it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I don't know. There's like 10 of them. She's femme. She's feminine. Is she? I think so. I don't know. She's femme. She's feminine. Is she? I think so. I mean, she's a lesbian, but she's. This is before we had girl softball.

That was the only choice. It was. The only thing they could do was join the Civil War. Join the Civil War. So we're like, no, no, no. Throw the ball underhanded. All weird. You guys stay out of this business. You're not allowed in here.

Yeah, Doubleday was there. Guy who invented baseball was hanging out. Was he really? Allegedly. Doubleday. Yeah, he was at baseball was hanging out. Was he really? Allegedly. Doubleday. Yeah, he was at the Civil War. He was at Gettysburg. It's crazy.

You see these people. You see these names on there. It's like, damn. He came and was like, all right, I got to- He said, I'm going to get the fuck out of this. He didn't invent baseball. It's going to be sick. Did he get paid off that?

How else were people talking about fingering? True, dude. Where does it even go? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did he get paid off of inventing baseball? Yeah. Probably not that. Probably not.

Who would pay him? Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, it's one of those things. I bet. I mean, eventually he probably made. Yeah, a lot of cool dude credit. Being like, nice. But I bet he was close to now.

He would have been alive for, like, shit to take off with baseball. I think. People probably didn't believe in me. They're like, I started this. I'm like, yeah, right. I don't know. It's like starting tennis or something like that. You don't know.

It's just like it gets away from you, you know? God damn it. 8 p.m. right now. No name. Football season just started, and I'm sitting on a fucking podcast. No, the broadcast starts at 8. All because you couldn't turn your mic on. Well, how about this dude

Just fucking Just pretend you're Hallie Long Dude in your head Start pre-gaming it Alright I don't think I don't think kickoff's gonna be Till like 8.15

8.05 maybe I told my pa to fucking pause the Pause the game Will my pa Is that all in your head Be like I can't wait Slapping baby Oh dude I can't wait.

Slapping, baby. Oh, dude. Yeah, you can tell the story. So this is great news. Probably not supposed to say this, but... I wonder if I can. Yeah, I don't know. We can avoid it. Who's that?

I can tell you my prison story. Is that Phil Gillis? Phil Gillis? Phil Gillis? Is this kickoff? Come here, Phil. Yeah. Come here, old boy. You scared?

Look at him. He's nervous. Little Phil Gillis is scared of the mic. Come here, boy. Come here, boy. What time is kickoff? Is it kickoff right now? About 8, 10, I think.

Okay, so we got... Hello, masses, dude. Hello, masses. How we doing? It's game time. What do you think's going to happen? I think the Irish win 42-16. Oh, nice.

You got a joke you want to tell? You got any jokes lined up? You should tell the slap... Think of a joke. Tell the slap it, Pappy story. You just sit around and look at each other with these things in your hand. I mean, it's sort of weird. You're going to call it gay?

My dad's going to come down and call it gay. Damn, dude, my dad came down in a Notre Dame shirt and said it's kickoff time. He's like, you guys sit around. It's kind of weird. It's like a poker game with no chips on the table. It makes me wonder a little bit. You think you're down here playing fucking friendly foot? Did you see what your wife did to the ceiling?

Oh, I did see. I was sitting at the desk, and I looked over, and everything was laying on the floor. The whole ceiling collapsed. From what? I'm not so sure. No, no, no. We already exposed what it was. She blamed it on the washer, so I'm going to go with that.

I thought you told me she dumped and it cleared out. I said that. Never will. Phil, will you honestly pause the game, please? No. I'll be up in ten minutes, please. Please, dude. God damn it.

What a fucking dickhead. But, uh... I told you you we got 8-10 kickoff We got time So my Had some foster kids Sure I'm allowed to say that Yeah

Anyway Kids are back Kids are back Things are great But uh She took My sister Had their kid down at the park

And my dad had her His down at the park. And my dad had his granddaughter at the park. Yeah. And she is not white. So he's just down at the park with this young black kid. And there's like parents coming from like Little League. Yeah, it's like Little League baseball parents bringing their kids to practice. And they got like younger siblings and stuff. No, no, it's just my dad and her.

Really? Yeah. And she's in a purple like ballerina costume like nunu what is it two two two two yeah and uh and he's pushing her on the swing and i guess she they were on like that just like the regular swing which is just that like piece of rubber yeah and then she wanted to go in the other swing that had like the the footholdsolds, you know, and it's like a seat and she, uh, and he starts pushing her. And then I guess he said it was like making noise.

Like anytime he would like touch it, it would like make like a slap. When he was slapping it, he was pushing it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then,

and then she just starts going, yeah, slap it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.pping harder, Pappy. Screaming while he's smacking her ass. Pappy's an old guy and a little black girl in the park. Oh, my God.

How was it? What's that? I don't know. I wasn't there. I would assume they were taken aback. Yeah. Dude, I was down south. We pulled up to, me and Brittany went out, down, it was in Savannah, Georgia, outside of Savannah.

And we pulled up to go eat, and there was these two old ladies there. Literally, the one lady, just like, we parked in the spot, and there's a glass window, they're eating, looking out of it. And they looked and went, ugh. Oh, yeah, dude, you told me that. That was hilarious. That's because we gave them what for at Gettysburg, dude? I know.

I mean, how? Dude, that's prancing on them, dude. That's what we fought for. Fuck yeah. Interracial snizz. Definitely, dude. That was the call of the 20th Maine when they fixed Bayonets. They were like, fuck sure. Some dude had a vision of BBW porn.

I was like, oh. I had a vision. He woke up in the middle of the night. Guys, we got to do this. On this day in the middle of the night, guys, we gotta do this. On this day, my life does not matter. Oh, yeah. What matters is the spirit of the troops. Guy before the bayonet charge stood up on a rock

and they're like, you gotta get down, you're gonna get shot. He was like, my life doesn't fucking matter, dude. We gotta get the boys fired up. And then two bullets went through his intestines and he died four days later. People get fired up. The boys got fired up, and they fought like demons.

They charged down that. Bro, this was the Rochester Racers. This was the Rochester Racehorses. You don't understand. The boys from Rochester just saw their man get his guts ripped out. They said, let's fix bayonets, and let's charge. Matt, I'm going to tell you something. This is 1863.

Okay. We're two years into the war. Prime Civ war. Bro, there hasn't been one successful bayonet charge yet. If you're a bayonet charger, it is a desperate move. Things aren't looking good. I think you would agree with that. I think you could go ahead.

I think you would agree with that. Imagine how girly those guys looked once they realized a bayonet charge didn't work. Like, ah, ah. Dude, trying to get out of the way from a bayonet uh but then uh this was it this was the most successful the the boys from rochester charged down that hill gave the gave those alabamians what for yeah and then you know who heard that old joshua chamberlain up there with the 20th main waiting he said boy if they're charging we're charging fixed bayonets let's fucking get down there and fuck people up. Yeah, they had fired so much that their guns were totally jammed.

The resin from the gunpowder was stuck in the barrel. They couldn't even pump the fucking bullets in anymore. I mean, it's a bad idea to be like, these guys with guns, we're going to charge them with knives. Oh, yeah. Literally, it hadn't worked yet in the Civil War. But once you break the line, dude, it is like, fuck. Once a bunch of dudes coming downhill with spears screaming. Takes a minute to load those things.

The bayonet? No, the fucking... Oh, yeah, you had time to watch a guy coming at you like, oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, hope I get it. The Alabamians, too, thought they were taking an empty hill. Yeah, these are the guys that were walking up on that empty hill. They were like, oh, it's empty. And then all of a sudden the Rochester Racers are coming down.

Planet Hill. Planet Hill. Full downhill. Full hill. Now, this is after several attacks. Is it? Yeah. How many do you think fell?

Did you ever run fast down a hill and go, oh, fuck, you're going too fast? I would fall running right now. If I had to sprint 20 yards, I would trip. Yeah. Yeah. These guys were running down very rocky, very, you know, tons of trees. Fuck. Big boulders too. This was a pretty rocky

hill. Yeah, yeah. Just sprinting straight down. We've lost it, dude. We've lost that. We are soft. I would be going, I'd be like, you know what, I'm gonna go get reinforcements. I'm gonna fight and go. Don't stand on that rock, dude. You're going to get shot. Get the fuck down.

What are you doing? Get the fuck down. Yeah, we've lost that, man. We needed that back. I was even thinking that. We were talking in the car. I was like, dude, imagine back then they were like, the South had all the tough guys. All the North, they were all city boys.

It's like, dude, those city boys in 1863 must have been the rootness-tootness, dirtiest motherfuckers on earth. Bad, yeah. Wait, you talking about the factory workers? Yeah, yeah. They were fucking in tenements and shit. The story of the Civil War, one of the overall themes is the North had more people, but they weren't as good of soldiers. They weren't tough. The country boys were tough.

It's like, dude, by today's standards, those are the toughest dudes imaginable. Yeah, exactly. A fucking New York fucking factory worker in 1860s. A fucking dead rabbit. Yeah, some guy who just got in the hold of a ship. Build a butcher. Yeah, some dude who just fucking floated here. Floated here.

You're on the blue team. Get up and defend that hill. What the fuck is this? Here's a gun. Here's your jacket. Yeah. Yeah, we lost it. We need to get back to more.

How about this? Now we're going to go watch the Fighting Irish. We saw a statue to Father Corby, Matthew. Tell me what you think about this. Father? Father Corby. Father Corby blessing the boys before at Gettysburg. Standing there like this, blessing the boys. A bit of a statue toettysburg standing there like this blessing the boys

bit of a statue to Father Corby someone's got to know the name of that painting Father Corby then went on to become the president of the University of Notre Dame stop

come on man we're just tying it together this is crazy this is it man the Irish have to win you know what we could do what you have to leave right now

don't you yeah you're such a sissy I hate it god you're a sissy're such a sissy. I hate it. God, you're a sissy. You're a sissy, dude. Go watch Kickoff. We could go watch Kickoff and then record at halftime, which is at 10 o'clock. Yeah.

I know. It's not going to happen. It's not going to happen. I mean, we could. We can record at halftime. Hold on. You guys keep talking. I'm going to go fight my dad and make him pause it.

Make him pause it. I'm going to pause, too. I've got to blow my nose. We're back. All right, we're back. The only way we could pause the game is if we brought Phil Gillis down here for an interview right now. This is the three-on-one exclusive. I don't know what you want me to say.

Let's go. Give me the interview. All right, Matt. Yeah, start it off. You've got to ask him questions. I can't. You fire it off. Let's go. Give me the interview. All right, Matt. Yeah, start it off. You've got to ask him questions. I can't. You fired off. It's your dad.

Fire it off. You asked me to hold the mic. What are you drinking right there? This is a Bloody Mary. Oh, nice. Yeah, tailgate ran a little late. Kickoff started. I didn't get it quite finished.

Ah. The Irish are looking good so far, though. So far, yeah. They got down to about the eight-yard line when I was forced to pause the video. So here I am. We're going to wrap this up real soon. Oh, here you go. Here's a good question.

How do you think your president is doing? What type of job do you think the president of the United States is doing right now? I think he's doing an excellent job. And I would be surprised if anyone differed with that viewpoint. He is doing things that other presidents that didn't have the nuts to do, he is doing. Okay? It's not always popular with most of the people in the United States. Why do you talk like him?

Why do you talk exactly like him? He is doing it. Have you ever caught Shane humping his pillows or anything like that? What? Hey, Matt. What? We said none of that stuff. None of that stuff, Matt.

You're fucking gay. Yeah, that's off limits. That's off limits. That's gay talk. I was specifically told those questions were not going to be asked. That's right. Sorry, I'm a member of the press, dude. Others know all this.

Although there was one time when I came down here and I picked something up outside the bed. And it was a little heavy tissue action. And Shane didn't have the sniffles. You're dropping big loads in tissues. It was heavy. It was heavy. big loads In tissues It was heavy It was heavy Give me this It was heavy

What are you saying there Phil? Well I'm not quite certain Alright you want to talk About your fucking Here hold Into the mic You picked up some Concrete tissues

You want to talk About your cum jeans At the laser tag I have no idea What that means You don't know What that means You remember that

No I don't When we took the kids To play laser tag No that wasn't I have no idea what that means. You don't know what that means? You remember that. No, I don't. When we took the kids to play laser tag. No, that wasn't. I have to explain. I had prostate surgery. So what's in the prostate? It's called incontinence. All right?

So you just cum all willy-nilly. No, there is none of that stuff. Just once in a while you can't control the start and the stop and when you have to urinate. That's all. So, all right, back to President Trump. It just happened to be a very sensitive strobe or whatever. Black light. Black light.

Picked up pee stains. Blame me. All right. Black lights had turned up way too high. Yeah, too high, and they picked up fills. Picked up pee stains. They were. They were. True up pee stains. They were. They were.

No problem. They were. I'd be more of a dotted. They would get me in a lot of dotted pee stains. Yeah. You try not to breathe so heavy into the mic. Continue. Let's go.

Phil. I think you all should get a rebate for this podcast. A rebate? Yeah, rebate. Oh, the customer. The customer. This is free. It is free.

Good. This is free. Good. All right. Let's send it to China. All right. How much do you love Trump right now? He's good.

I just don't like the way he acts on social media and his texting and whatever else he does. What about before he became president? Wouldn't you have called him a fuck? Like he was like a punk douche. Yes, he was. And now what? I didn't care about him then. I care about him now.

Now you care about him. Yeah. Would you lay your life down for Trump? If there was a shooter between you and Trump, would you jump in front of the bullet for the president? Yes, I would. You would die for President Trump? I would.

Hell yeah, dude. I'd die for any president. Even Obama. Even Obama. What does that mean? Even Carter. Even Clinton. You would die for President Trump? I would. Hell yeah, dude. I'd die for any president, even Obama. Even Obama. What does that mean? Even Carter. Even Clinton. You would die for him? And I didn't like those guys, but I would do it for the country.

Even Clinton after what he's done to those kids at Epstein Island? I don't know exactly what was revealed there. Okay. He was there 37 times, I think. 37? Yeah. Okay. Why did it take him that many times?

Because it was awesome. Because it was the best island ever? I don't know. Probably because it was like you at Laser Tag. That's Disney World for the elites. Yeah, it's Disney World, dude. Keep going. You're doing great, man.

No, I know I'm doing great. This is your broadcasting debut, isn't it? Sure. How old are you? 63 63, you're making your debut on the mic That's it You always wanted to do this, didn't you?

I did I should have been a stand-up comedian But I had a family at a young age And I couldn't, like, screw around And just waste people's time Living in a hallway in New York City With cats and rats. Okay.

Your wife just dumped open a ceiling. I don't want to hear that. This interview's going to be done. No, no, no. We're not done yet. We're not done yet.

You're ugly? I'm ugly? That's what Trump would say. Trump would have called me ugly. You're going to break that fucking chair. No, I'm not.

Oh, man. Go ahead. Nothing. I'm just happy. So you don't like President Barack Obama? I never have. And you do like Donald Trump. But I still rooted for him.

I wanted him to be a very good president, of which he let me down. I thought he did all right. I thought he did okay. He didn't do anything. He lowered his handicap in golf. He vacationed all the time. All right. So you're going to use that argument?

Isn't that what Trump... Trump golfs all the fucking time. Yeah, but guess what? He owns a golf course. Alright? That's a good argument. Thanks. What the hell? He should ski if he owns a ski mountain. I don't care. Trump works harder than any president we've had

as far as I can ever have been around. He constantly works. You look at him on Sundays. He's in a suit coming off a around. He constantly works. You look at him on Sundays. He's in a suit coming off a plane. He's working. Constantly he's working. He works hard. He doesn't drink.

He doesn't smoke. He doesn't swear. Do you drink? Once in a while. I'm not president. He doesn't swear? I don't believe he does. You all right?

Yeah, I'm fine. I don't want you to have a heart attack, man. Don't worry. Just keep it easy. It's easy. It's nice and calm. It is. I love that you die for the president. That's awesome. I'm just saying I don't want you to have a heart attack, man. Don't worry. Just keep it easy. It's easy. It's nice and calm. It is. I love that you died for the presidents.

That's awesome. I'm just saying how we don't have any civic mindedness anymore. Yeah, we've lost that. The younger generation. You didn't do shit. What did you do? What do you mean, what did I do? You were a draft dodger.

What dodger? You went to Canada. You went to Canada during Vietnam. I went to Clarion. I didn't go to Canada. You went to Canada. I went to Clarion. I didn't go to Canada. I thought I was in Canada when I got there. Why? Because it was four hours away and it was not far from Lake Erie.

I didn't know it was that close. It snowed constantly. It was freezing. It was terrible. True that, yeah. It's a shame, though. We've lost a civic mind. Yeah, not a lot of tough guys anymore.

I know. We've got to get it back. I'm trying to bring it back single-handedly. Matt's pretty tough. He's tough as nails. He looks like it. I'm trying to take a bullet. You like him.

I do. You like McCusker? Yeah. Chris asks, what type of Civil War soldier do you think you'd be? I think I would be like a sharpshooter. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah, get the green jacket up.

You think you'd be a sharpshooter? Yeah. Have. Yeah, get the green jacket up there. You think you'd be a sharpshooter? Yeah. Have you ever fired a gun once? Yes. I shot 13 deer. Damn. That's not true. Buck.

Buck. That's not true. Have you shot a gun? Yeah. Hell yeah. You never shot a... They would run at me with self-defense twice.

I put my hands up, threw the rifle down, they still came. No, I did. I shot 13. I used to go deer hunting. Nice. Yep. Got some five-pointers.

Well, I don't know where the racks are. I think Joan has them hidden. No, the racks are gone. It's just high school girls basketball racks. Oh, my God. That was after he killed a deer. Did we talk about that? All these state championships? Yeah. It's just high school girls basketball. Oh, my God. That was after he killed a deer. Did we talk about that? All these state championships?

Let's not. How many state championships you got? Four. We shouldn't bring them up. We shouldn't bring up the state championships. Why? Just because we'll get fired for being on this podcast. Oh, right, right.

Yeah. Yeah. That was in Rhode Island. Yeah, this is live from Rhode Island. All right. I got to run. Don't unpause that game. I have to. No, you got to wait five more. We got to give the people a little bit. Where are we at time-wise? Rhode Island. All right, I got to run. Don't unpause that game. I have to.

No, you got to wait five more. We got to give the people a little. Where are we at time-wise? 59 minutes. All right, give us two more minutes, Phil. It's free, for crying out loud. No one's listening anyhow. No, a lot of people are, and they all fucking complain.

Phil, do you have any words for the haters out there? They're saying mean things about me. What would you say to someone saying something mean to a free podcast online? Some guy called Chris a dwarf today. Really? Yeah, he DM'd me and called Chris a dwarf. A dwarf. A dwarf.

Where? When you were at Gettysburg? Yeah, I took a picture of him at Gettysburg and somebody just commented on it. You would have been a tall soldier at Gettysburg. Phil, you would have been a fucking giant. You would have got shot right away. I would have got shot.

I would have had that red cross on going out and just... You would have been helping people. Medic! That's what I would have got shot right away. I would have got shot. I would have had that red cross on going out and just. You would have been helping people. Medic. That's what I would have done. So, no, I said, would you please address our haters? Well, I don't know who's hating, but I can certainly understand it. Okay. There are some areas of this podcast that I don't like.

There are some areas of this podcast that I don't like. I'm trying to give it a little jolt because the listening ship has been lacking considerably. If it's not for some of the people that Shane knows, I don't want to name names because I don't want to embarrass you. Anyhow, we need to step it up. The podcast needs to do better? Yeah, it does. It needs to be better. I asked you to address the haters. All you did was talk shit on us.

I know. I can understand the haters. I'm sort of one of them. Well, Phil, I'll tell you what, man. It's been a real honor having you on here. You were on our first episode. I know. You were the very first person.

What do you mean I was on the first episode? You called in and gave us a good racist Trump joke. Yeah. Really? Yeah. You said, and we bleeped it out because we didn't want to get you in trouble, but you're here now,

so who gives a fuck? Okay. You said, remember that joke you had about Trump and Obama? You came up with this and it was bad. Don't recall.

I think it was good. No, it was, oh, because Trump hadn't even been, he hadn't won the election. He won the election and he hadn't taken, so Obama's in the office

playing golf. He's putting on the carpet. Trump comes in, and he's, you know, the small talk. And Obama's like, yeah, I like golf. And Trump's like, oh, man, I own a couple courses. He's like, I understand that. Do you mind if I play on some of those? And Trump looks at him and says, I mean, you can play the front nine,

but you've got to caddy the back half. Oh, my God. That was your joke. That was my joke? Yeah, it was a joke about the back half oh my god that was your joke that was my joke yeah it was a joke about him being uh half black i understand it was a bad joke i made the joke up i understand it was a bad joke it was so bad we bleeped it out the first time well guess what now that you've reacquainted me with that joke i'm gonna tell it again i don't like it no no'm going to tell it again. I don't like it. No, no, no. Don't tell it again. No. No. No. It's a good joke.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah, you can feel that, right? You can feel when it sucks. There's nothing. There's nothing. Dead. Why don't you head upstairs? We're going to rewind it to the kickoff. I'm going to watch that opening drive again. Come on, man. Wrap this up.

Thanks for coming down, Phil. All right, let's go. Please. Wrap this up. We're going to start. All right, we'll end it here. Thanks for coming down, Phil. You're welcome. I appreciate it. Thank you. Christopher, let's get some final words out of you. Yeah. Yeah, thanks for having me on.

It's a good hour. Yeah, yeah. It's a solid hour. It's a solid hour. I mean, that's about as special a guest as it gets. That's Phil Gillis in Phil Gillis' basement. Yeah, yeah. Come on, man.

Matt drove the whole way out here for this today. He drove from Philadelphia to Mechanicsburg to record this. And, Matt, I got to tell you, I really appreciate that. Yeah, yeah. Much love and respect. I care about you. It's my duty, dude. And now, guys, what a day.

I got to hang out with two of my best buds. Yeah. Introduced Christopher to Gettysburg today. Yeah, it's an epic scene. Yeah. It is awesome. Yeah, we had good weather, too. Great weather.

Just a beautiful day. And then, you know what? Notre Dame football. Yeah. Now you hear the wind. And you got the fucking, you got the kids are back. The kids are upstairs. Yeah.

Running around. It's nice. This is what life's all about, man. Nothing but positive vibes. What more could you fucking ask for, dude? It's a good one. It's nice. This is what life's all about, man. Nothing but positive vibes. What more could you fucking ask for, dude? It's a good one. Yeah. Wow.

To be continued. What a sweet podcast. It is. Yeah, we'll just release this and page something up later. For sure. God bless, dude. God bless our enemies. Adios, y'all.

Peace.