Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Spheres

Episode Date: February 25, 2020

O'Connor joins the cast, thinking he knows about space and shit and turns out he knows a little, but not as much as Sagan, Degrasse (not guilty), and McCusker. Topix include: Shane getting subliminally bullied by big Phil, O'Connor loving war, and a buncha other stuff.

We here, baby. We live. We in the motherfucking building. What's good? What's good? Chris O'Connor. Yes. Welcome to the goddamn cast. It's good to be here. What's going on? Nothing. Just chilling.

Yeah. What's happening? Nothing. Just got back from Mechanicsburg. Had a nice night. Did you booze up there or no? Nah, no boozing. Yeah. Got fucked up Saturday night for the Wilder fight. Right, right.

And then... You guys just were in London together. I forgot. Yeah. O'Connor. Yeah. A couple of London. We got out.

London boys. He's a Chelsea boy, dude. Yeah, yeah. O'Connor is a Chelsea boy. Chelsea supporters. Chelsea supporters boys. O'Connor was running around up to no good. Scurrying around up to no good across the pond.

Let me tell you. What happened to your dad's house? Oh, dude. It was just being home was so fucking funny. Like him, dude, the first night I went to sleep, so I was hung over from the fucking. First off, Deontay Wilder. This is insane. Deontay Wilder blamed his loss on the outfit he wore into the ring.

Well, what was the outfit? That's fair. He was dressed like a Mortal Kombat character again. He dresses like a Mortal Kombat character every time. This was like, he looked like Lord of the Rings.

He was in the boxing ring like Backpack B. He was trying to. I thought it was like Power Rangers or something. So he wore some wild shit. He wears, it was like a 40 pound suit.

And his outfit wore him out? He said when he got into the ring, that's why his legs were shot. Which there's no way. I could have, like I can do that. Don't tell me your leg, if your legs are shot

from that, you're not the heavyweight champ in the world. Also, that's on you. But they do have bird legs. Both those guys have little tiny bird legs.

Yeah, but you can't blame your, he might have been shot. That's how you get up that tall. Yeah. Yeah. It's also a good idea to wear like really weird shit before you box make well clearly is my fucking garb fuck me up yeah but if you wear a lead vest pounds like are 40 pounds

on your body it's like no it's every day for me bro yeah heard that bro just wearing a suit there's too much weight up top i just walk. That's why I'm tired every time I get it. That's so... Deontay just walked, you know, 300 feet in my shoes. Yeah, exactly. He couldn't last a day, dude. How's it feel? He couldn't last a day like this. Yeah, you're the heavyweight champion.

I might have to fuck him up, dude. He... Oh, bro. Also, on the same topic. I was watching... Dude, do you know... Do you know Tyson Fury? He's like a...

Like a baste, dude. What? He's fucking... He's like alt-right, dude, do you know Tyson Fury? He's like a based dude. What? He's fucking, he's like alt-right. Oh, yeah, I bet. He's from Manchester. Tyson Fury, yeah, he's a gypsy from Manchester. There's just an old video of him laying on, basically doing, there was a hot cast. He had a hot cast for a while.

Yeah, dude, he's just laying on a couch sitting there like the jews you know the jews control what everybody's thinking they control the media and they you know they brainwash you with the zionists it's like holy shit anyone can watch a youtube documentary anything else yeah that's yeah we should be exempting dudes who get punched in the head for a living from like their thoughts yeah it's like you hear that boxers to that fucked up thing it's like yeah we should be like what would be funny is if they come down hard on Tyson Fury. Meanwhile, Mike Tyson's getting honored in the ring after he's been arrested for rape. He's got a show on Adult Swim. Sam Hyde gets cut from Adult Swim.

Mike Tyson is a cartoon. Yeah. True. Come on now. Well, they, dude, you know who's on like ABC right now? I mean, he didn't rape anybody, but he might as well have. Chris Christie. He fucking blocked the bridge, bro.

He blocked the bridge. He killed people. He's on ABC. He ruined summer. He ruined beach trips. And then that dude's on ABC. I mean, and again, it's like, well, I didn't do that. My aides did it.

Why would your aides block the bridge without telling? That had to have been for you. He's on ABCc uh who's the other guy al sharpton i think called for like violence against the jews a long time ago he's on tv yeah you're right yeah there's a lot of how did chris christie smuggle his fucking fat ass yeah i don't know he fucked up so bad he kissed the ring he kissed the ring on trump yeah groveled before trump that dude is is a. They all did, dude. He is a career.

Ted did. Ted Cruz. He was on ABC talking shit with Papalakis dicks or whatever. Papalakis. Papalakis dicks. George Soup Poop Galakalos. Yeah. Papadopoulos. My mother-in-law is here now.

So it's just American idols on TV. George Stupid Galakalos. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.. Yeah.. Yeah. was on there be like I agree George just somebody write me a fucking paycheck I'll agree with you I don't care fucking Ted Cruz Trump came out and was like

Ted Cruz's wife is a dog like he went at his wife dude and Ted Cruz was like hey nobody comes in here

and talks about my wife that's I got a line there and then like a month later he's like Donald Trump should be the next president these guys are all pussies. Yeah.

Dude, he really he capitulated after he went in his bay. Oh, yeah. He got his Trump smoked his bay. And then Ted Cruz got on TV and was like, now that's a line, mister. And I'm from Texas. And down here, you don't cross lines like that. And then literally, again, a month later, he was on. Dude, that was like one of the first things where they were like, I don't think Trump's going to survive this.

Can't go after someone's wife. That's on him. If he decked Trump, he might have been the president of 2020. If he had been like, it's on site and like walked up. You get shot, though. You can't have an it's on site with the president. Otherwise, you're a terrorist. That would be so funny.

But if he caught it. Wilkes Booth had it on site, dude. John Wilkes Booth was like, it's on site, dude. Ted Cruz should have called for a terrorist. That would be so funny. But if he caught it Wilkes Booth had it on site dude. John Wilkes Booth is like it's on site dude. Ted Cruz should have called for a duel. He could have under Texas laws

that would have checked Trump's shit be like yo bro duel let's take it back you want to make it great again bro let's take it back to when presidents

would duel people. I think they'd I mean they'd both miss for a half hour. It would be so it would be so... It'd be so funny. Dude, if they had a glove-slapping duel,

to watch Cruz and Trump wrestle on stage would be... I saw your boy Bernie last night. What was he up to? Both of you boys. Both of you guys are Bernie bros. Yeah. I'm the only one staying true to 1776. Dude, you're a fucking Christie, dude. You were fucking Christy, dude.

You were just Bernie bro last week. No, I watched some of Bernie, his town hall last night. He was on, you know, he says a bunch of good stuff that I like. He also was like, Castro is the man. I like that. That's pretty funny. No, that's ridiculous. That's ridiculous.

He's a fan of Castro? He was like, Fidel Castro said, you know, right when he he took power he sent out book brigades and taught everyone how to learn so that was a good thing yeah he's like that's just the truth it's a good thing not the greatest name maybe it sounds better in spanish it's also funny big well that was a good thing you can't take that good thing away well that's what he did that's what he was saying it's like well you could do that with any horrible leader. ISIS. That's when like

the New York Times was like, ISIS has really been whipping these towns into shape. Say what you will about the policies. A lot of discipline going on in there. Yeah, I saw some like

stats today. They were like, Cuba has like 99.9% literacy and like 0% homeless. You're like, Yeah, just like Iran has zero gays

where's this data coming from yeah it's so funny and they also have a 100% approval rate of the president so these guys must be doing something right it's like after Katrina when everyone's in the Superdome it's like homelessness has dropped to year 0 let's look at the positives

katrina bernie was like somebody asked him which was kind of a fucked up question they were like he just had a heart attack uh are you gonna name a vice president because you know you could fucking die during the thing and he was like okay all right uh and he was like we will name a vice president he was like we will name a vice president soon He was like, we will name a vice president soon, but I can assure you it won't be an old white man. And the crowd was like, yeah. Yes. It's like, dude, don't walk me off.

You should be like, I also have the same heart surgeon as Dick Cheney. That would suck if God came down, if Jesus came down. This is an old white guy. You can't appoint him. But it was like, it's the same thing. It's like, dude, you're an old white. Like, what are you talking about? You're going to go on stage and be like,

I guarantee it's not going to be an old white guy. And it's like, that's a weird thing. It's the same thing. It's almost like with comedy or like with anything where it's like a bunch of old, like the people booking shows. Yeah. Like on TV. they're all old white guys and they're like wow we actually need diversity it's like why don't you diversify you yeah you fucking weirdos true enough i don't know true enough and

you could also be like shouldn't she be president mr sanders i mean to be fair and he'd be like i don't have a problem with that once you, you'd have to. Once you start playing those games, it's like someone's going to outwoke you and you're just going to be like, yeah, that's pretty funny. The execs need diversity on screen, otherwise people start coming for them. Yeah,

it's true. It's like, let's keep the, oh, speaking of sick ass diversity, I was watching this show, Hunters. Have you heard of this?

Oh, I've seen this. Have you heard of this? Yeah, yeah, It's about Nazi hunters. It's on Amazon. You told me about this.

Pacino's the head Jew in charge of this. Pretty sick. He plays a great Jew. Does he really? Yeah. How so? He's very, as you would call it. How would you describe the way you described Bernie

in the last episode? I don't recall. It was something like, oh, I don't recall. All I know is we're going to have health care and everything's going to be good. He's very like... No, he's good at it. Yeah. You know, the old Italian...

Chewing it up. He Jews it up. Yeah, true. There's a fine line. There's a very... Yeah. I feel like if an Italian tucks their pants in long enough, they become a Jew. Sorry. No, that become a Jew. Sorry.

No, that's pretty funny. You gotta be careful, dude. It's like being in the paint from one of the three sides. It's true. Yeah, they're just like... If you don't work out as an Italian. Yeah, they're basically Jews that focused on meatballs instead

of money. But they spent too much time on the gravy instead of making money but uh the show i watched i watched look i could be way off on this show but i saw it for like 10 minutes before i came in and took the remote from my sister my sister was going through chemo she's like laying on the couch she's got you know it's terrible no eyebrows all that shit. It's fucking brutal. But she just watches Netflix now and Amazon all day.

I came home and I was like, turn this shit off. She's like, no sympathy. That'd be funny for your sister on Chemo Big Shane. That's enough TV, man. To go outside and do something. But the scene I saw was a black lesbian couple with the Nazi hunters as well as an Asian dude. And, you know, that's the crack squad they put together in the 70s, I think. Well, sorry, you had the white version of history, dude, where they left out all the black lesbians who attacked the Nazis, dude.

Wait, this takes place in the 70s? Yeah. Yeah, dude. All the bad guys are clearly, you know, obviously white guys. It's a Nazi hunting show. I'll give them that one. But like they're like sadistic, weird. Like the one scene I saw was

just a black family tied up at their dinner table and a Nazi going around being like, you know, flamingos are actually pure white. It's the food they ingest that makes them colored. And like walking around and he's like shooting a tied up black family. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, good Lord, dude.

Dude, the Nazis in hiding. I don like, good Lord, dude. Dude, where are we? The Nazis in hiding. I don't know. I don't know if they were this audacious. We've had Russians and Middle Eastern bad guys for a while. Now that's just what it is. Old white guys are the national ghost of our country. They're like the fear thing.

So it's like, we're the bad guys in Middle Eastern. It's funny. It also sounds like something a Nazi would never say. Yeah. The flamingo thing. Yeah. So it's like, we're the bad guys in the movie. But it's funny. It also sounds like something like a Nazi would never say. Yeah. The flamingo thing. What do you think? How do you think

a Nazi would sum it up? I don't know. I think it's a good Nazi fact. You think so? Actually, they had candy back then. Did you know flamingos are actually funny?

I feel like they cut to the chase. Yeah. Yeah. Some weird metaphor. The, what are they eating? It is a weak writing point. Did you actually know?

Yeah. Then there's a lesbian couple. They're in bed. And the one's talking about how German, the story Hansel and Gretel was about, actually the witch was a Jew and the kids threw her in an oven and took her house. What?

She's like, all these, we've always, they just wanted, the witch just wanted the witch just wanted to live in the woods peacefully sounds like a bit and it was like i was sitting there i was like well she was like these stories affect culture and make everybody think they're the bad guys and i was like what the fuck show are you on your show is that story your show right now is a bunch of diversity like we gotta kill these whites it's like all right well is it all is that story. Your show right now is a bunch of diversity. Like, we got to kill these whites.

It's like, all right. Well, is that fact-checked? Because I always thought Hansel and Gretel was a thing of like... No, I'm pretty sure the witch tried to eat the kids. I thought it was, yeah, I thought it was like a mother who like did too much and sucked their kids, like fattened up their kids. And, you know, basically your mother would gobble you up. I don't think it was a mother. I thought the witch... I think the kids got lost in the woods and a witch found them and tried to eat them.

So they're saying... In the story, the lady... Represented Jew. Yeah a witch found them and tried to eat them. So they're saying it represents a Jew. That was trying to eat Christian babies. It's not. Okay. It's debunked. Sorry. Anyway.

Snopes is like, well, yeah, I mean, yeah. I was back in Mechanicsburg. I had my full white guy hat on. I was watching TV just like, why is the white guy always dumb in every commercial? God damn it. Oh, fuck. That's good. You went home and recharged. I was watching TV just like, why is the white guy always dumb in every commercial? God damn it. Oh, fuck. That's good.

You went home and recharged. Recharged. I went to bed. The first night was very funny. I fell asleep on the couch. I was watching XFL. Phil was drunk. He was sitting on the recliner.

And I just fell asleep, and I woke up to him talking shit. What? Like, I was sleeping. And I woke up to him like, you like I was sleeping and I woke up to him like you're gonna have to change your career just sitting on the couch just chirping at me he's an hour deep into whatever he's been talking about yeah he's been subliminally for real he was just talking shit to me while I was sleeping and then I woke up to him talking shit I fell asleep to him talking shit and in the morning at like 7 30 in the morning he was like time to wake up you might start recording when you sleep just to see if he comes

so fucking dude if it was like what was that movie um paranormal activity oh like you're sleeping you watch a tape and he's just like pussy just rips the covers off me it's just him tracks you off the couch that's exactly what it is just him walking to the fridge drinking out of it just looking in the fridge for like two hours oh fuck yeah he was to wake up to him talking shit what the fuck are you doing what's so funny he thought i was awake so he was just shit talking it's just so funny it's nice to know there's someone out in the world who it just has full dominion over fucking with you who just like won't even think about it before just giving you a bunch of shit it's like so

fucking funny yeah i was laying on the couch and he honestly i woke up to him going with that tone that fucking you better you're gonna have to change careers i don't know i woke up in the middle yeah he probably he probably wishes you were playing the xfl true he probably was watching it he's like that should be my boy out there these kids so xfl isn't the vince mcmahon thing anymore i think it is what he's probably attached to it somewhere yeah so it's back yeah so there's another viable option now for college athletes. I would love to see the research that they did to feel like

this is plausible. How is this not going to tank? All that DraftKings and online gambling, this is more shit to gamble on. That's what it is. For sure. Gambling on XFL. Yeah, definitely. It's so fixable, too.

Yeah. I just had to watch the Mexican Open yesterday because my dad had money on that. He was like, put the golf on. I'm not watching this. The Mexican Open? Are there actual pros playing in that? Yeah, it was, you know. Oh, I thought it was just Mexican golf.

It was all caddies. Oh, Chris. Classic racist lib. Chris said racist things. Racist lib, caddies. Oh, Chris. Classic racist lib. Chris said racist things. Racist lib, dude. Come on. You are a racist lib. You think so?

Definitely. Why? Proof's in the port of broad. You're a liberal and you're a racist. I don't know. Are there a lot of Mexican caddies? Real rap? Probably not.

Yes. Good caddies. You're thinking jockeys. A lot of Mexican jockeys. Mexican jockeys. For sure. They can whip a horse. The lads and horses have a secret bond. You're thinking jockeys. A lot of Mexican jockeys. They can whip a horse. The lads and horses have a secret bond.

For sure. Caballeros. They're very equestrian people. They are. Yeah, well, there's a lot of good caddies out there, too. Really? Yeah. Narcos did the same thing.

What? The diversity thing. Oh, yeah, you said about the The diversity thing There was like females Well Migos was ridiculous But then there was two female Two characters that were trying to Start their own side business within the cartel And they did this whole thing

Where it's like no what they're doing is cool It's like they're just badass women Getting work It's like they're cartel leaders Stop Just because they're women doesn't mean it's okay they're cartel leaders yeah stop just because they're women doesn't mean it's okay have a hard time buying that one of the cartel bosses be like wait someone's cutting into me it's like nah it's just these chicks like oh that's so badass

and no all the cartel guys were like what do you have a date tonight what are you doing and they're like no we're selling hair like they didn't you know gotcha they played it off like the men were too stupid to understand what the women were doing okay so they were like side of they, like these narcos aren't constantly looking to see what's going on with the money and heroin and coke. Right, right. Like they're not aware of a new game in town. No, they're just dumb women. You know, we don't have to pay attention to that.

Yeah, that's such bullshit. Yeah, it's like, come on now. They're not going to find out. Look, when you're in the streets, let me tell you guys something. The streets are always watching you. And they do the same thing in Narcos as they did in, what was the other, what was that fucking sick-ass cartel movie? Oh.

With Del Toro. Yeah, when they go in the house. Sicario? Sicario, yeah. They do the same thing where they're like, turns out the United States is just as guilty. You guys are junkies. And it's like, yeah. That was it?

Yeah, they always do that in Narcos. Well, if that country had as much money as the United States, they'd be the junkies. That's the winner's circle, bro. Yeah, sorry. When you see people like... It's party time. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

How are you going to talk shit? You can't even get into the club. Yeah, bro. You're outside. You're on the line, bro. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that's some bullshit. Look, if only we could get our lives together, then this wouldn't be a problem. Now, dude, that's fucking

celebration shit. Yeah, we have nothing to do. Yeah, so we just got to buy some drugs. But yeah, the trip home was good. Went to the local economy. Fucking went to, so Phil coaches girls high school basketball. As he should. Which, that's what I make fun of him for. When he's talking shit on me, I'm like, Dad, only pedophiles and gay dudes coach girls' basketball. Which one are you? He's like, okay, Shane. Okay.

I was like, maybe you're both. Maybe you're a gay pedophile. How's he react to that? He doesn't like it. He gets upset. That's the one thing I can get him on. Did he win? No.

It's so funny, dude. His team's good. You went and watched this? I can get him on. Did he win? No. It's so funny, dude. His team's good. They're like always. You went and watched this? I went to the game. Oh, what a nightmare, dude. Oh, no. How close to him were you?

First off, these games are like 10 minutes long. They're so quick, dude. Really? Yeah, it's like five-minute quarters running clock. It's like no one gives a shit. Isn't women's basketball like. Wait, how old are the girls? Go ahead.

Sorry. It's high school. Oh, okay. I got there. The't women's basketball like... Go ahead. Sorry. It's high school. Oh, okay. I got there. The score was like 16 to 16 at half. And I was like, oh, shit. Let's just give them an end zone. Forget the hoop.

Just like if you can dribble down to the other person's end zone. It's tough. Seven points. It's tough, dude. Dribbling up the court is tough. They fall. They all fall so easily, dude. Everyone just falling on the court the whole time.

But it became like hack-a-shack at the end because none of them could make free throws. So they just started fouling each other. It was a war of attrition at the end of that. Were you cheering at all? No, I wasn't cheering, but I was laughing a lot. It was funny to watch this gym full of people that were like, that's a fucking foul, going nuts over these kids. Yeah.

Cumberland Valley is a good team. They were ranked nationally number one for a while. Holy shit. They're a good program, but it's funny to go there and see. I would always, laying on the couch while Phil was talking shit, be like, I would drop 60 points easy against those. Your team sucks. I could walk out today and be the best player.

And he's like, yeah. He knows – I forget the name of the girl he always says. He's like, she would swatch your shit. She would dominate you. I went to the game. After the game, we were sitting at a bar, me and Phil, and I was like, I would fucking kill them. And he was like, yeah, you would.

He banked on me never seeing it. Once I saw it, I was like, I would destroy these people. Did he try to stop you from coming? Was he like, eh? Yeah, he held back. But my mom's the one who makes me go. What's the final score? This one went into overtime.

It was a thrilling game. I think it was like 40-1. They hit a buzzer beater. Really? The other team hit a buzzer beater and ran out on the court. Was it just them all below the hoop just throwing it up? It was so funny, dude. No, it was like...

No, it was a lot of that. Yeah. It was like... People getting 70 rebounds. Yeah, I got 70 rebounds, 9 points. It was like... People getting 70 rebounds. Like, I got, you know, 70 rebounds, nine points. It was like the Sixers game. It is funny, like, watching women's bet. Like, anytime they shoot from, like, beyond the arc,

the way they have to, like, load up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to touch the ground. You got to touch the ball to the ground and come up. Yeah, a lot of jumping during free throws. Jump shots from the foul line. It's pretty funny to see. Is that illegal?

No. You just can't cross the line. Yeah can shoot that way how many dunks no dunks what there were no dunks dude stop it was it was tough for me not to revert back to my old ways though and hit the concession stand be like mom can i get 50 cents that was my next question get some fun dip what was that hitting for what was the concession stand all about? The price to get in the game was $4 Concession, you're sitting at 50 cents For M&M's bro It's a good deal

Also what I was thinking about the whole time was The kids are not hot It made that whole show Euphoria Way weirder I was sitting there like good lord Someone wrote a show about high school kids fucking and being like hot sluts. Ew.

When you see a high school kid you're like, holy shit, these are kids. They're babies. It's crazy. Yeah, it's crazy, man. I'm in high school right now. They look like little babies. When you see middle schoolers, they look like toddlers. It's weird. Yeah, the fact that Drizzy Drake's out there producing a show about kids being hot sluts,

like, slow down, bro. That's fucking weird, dude. Slow down, dude. Don't make it so obvious. He's making that up. Dan, that pitch must have been awesome. Like, you know how hot high school girls are? He's like, you have my attention.

Go on. Go on. Yeah, it's like, put hot college kids in a high school situation. You got a good show. Yeah. What do you mean? The show. Yeah, the show is like older cast.

Oh, right. That's what they did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought you were talking some real life shit. I was like, go on. Go ahead. You had my attention. You instantly became that guy.

I'm intrigued. But yeah, the buzzer beater at the end was great I was very excited to throw it in Phil's face like Central York

came in here and beat your ass they wore you down yeah I was like they wanted it more they just wanted it more he's like

no our kids wanted it too yeah it was pretty fun oh my god that's so fucking awesome getting Phil fired up about his basketball team must be the funniest thing to argue about. Yeah. Getting him going about it.

I'm like, why don't you coach guys, you fucking weirdo? What is this? I keep making fun of him for being a weirdo. He's like, Shane, come on. Come on, pervert. Yeah. Yeah. Was he a big basketball guy?

He played basketball, yeah yeah until his senior year well he played in high school and then in college he just played football oh fuck you gotta start going to like telling him he goes to like the adult section at like bookstores call him a pervert call your dad a pervert it's so funny dude i couldn't dude yeah it's a fight he'd be like, oh, seriously, what the fuck's that about? He would not like that. Weirdos and perverts

are pretty synonymous. Yeah, but your dads aren't talking you shit to sleep. Right. I mean, he's not giving you a lullaby of just talking shit. He'll talk shit, but if I ever hit him

with pervert or sexual shit, he's like, whoa, come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you doing? No, that's Phil's line for sure. He's like, what are you doing? Come on. Whoa.

Stop. Okay, Shane. That's enough. Okay. All right. Enough. Enough. going no that's that's phil's line for sure he's like what are you doing well stop okay shane okay all right enough enough but yeah then i go home the the house is the group's falling apart really yeah phil had that cancer too he got a chunk out of his nose he's walking around with like a mangled face he's turning into the outsider ph of the opera He looks like the outsider He sets his foot up Oh no Yeah he's got that My other sister

You know Sister's got cancer Dude And it's like It sucks to see Like the The chemo Where like you lose

All your fucking hair Like her eyebrows are gone And her head It's like Jesus Eyelashes probably too Yeah She was sitting on the

Fucking recliner And my mom walked in And was like Phil Cause she's on the top and her head that's like jesus probably yeah yeah she was sitting on the fucking recliner and my mom walked in and was like phil because she's on the top of the head yeah that's disconcerting man we see someone who just full it all comes takes it out of you yeah like just looking at them is like oh yeah then you get used to it right away but like the first because i always forget and then i'll come home and see her and be like shit that's a rough one yeah it's like when you see

your parents starting to get old and you're like they like hit you with a quick geezer face and you're like yeah yeah my dad

my dad's definitely going geezer yeah my mom's been geezer but my dad like whole fuck up drive we talked about it that one time

my dad just slammed on the brakes almost crashed for no reason I was like what the fuck was that he got like scared I could see like My dad just slammed on the brakes and almost crashed for no reason. I was like, what the fuck was that? He got scared. I could see the geezer in him get like, oh, oh, oh.

He's entering his third season of True Detective. He's a geezer, dude. My dad had that moment. He was backing out of our driveway and was struggling with it. He goes, mother, my death perception is shot. Fuck, man. was struggling with it, and he goes, my death perception's shot. It's like, oh, fuck. Fuck, man. But yeah, it was good. It was good to go back to

Mechanicsburg. Nice. Good to see everybody. I was thinking of you last night. Yeah, it was nice. It was nice being there. Went to the coffee shop by my house, which is like a Christian coffee shop. What? So weird, dude. That shop What? It's so weird dude That's awesome It's so weird

They had like a chalkboard that was like Who was your favorite president ever? And of course there was a bunch of Trumps But one of them was Just in chalk like Trump 2020 And then one of them was like Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior forever And everyone was like yeah

I have one of those at my gym Like a communal chalkboard Like what are you thankful for? It's just like I look at it every time i'm like man this sucks yeah yeah i'm gonna start writing some more religious shit on there yeah get some bible verses get some like fucked up bible verses and write them on there nobody's gonna look them up i might yeah i might do like some real like revelations i might just say the revelations the grapes of wrath that's where grapes of wrath comes from where they said would take the people and squeeze them like grapes and their blood would run into the rivers.

That's where the Grapes of Wrath came from. Holy mackerel. It was taking people and just fucking juicing them. Pretty tight. Yeah, imagine thinking about that. What, the apocalypse? All those years ago. What?

Yeah. Yeah, well, I mean, obviously it had to do with their... I guess there was a lot of that going around. Their god concept was messed up subconsciously. They were looking at a perfect God, but obviously subconsciously, you know, the vengeful Christ came through. I think John was just, he just had a rough hangover. You know what I mean? Just out on that island by himself.

Wasn't he on some, like, shitty island? I think so. I think he was on some shitty island, like, hallucinated when he wrote Revelations. Well, he was trying to take the Jesus thing into being like, no, no, no, Jesus is all good. Like, forget the Old Testament. He's the man. And then apparently he just like, and he's like, and I had a weird dream last night where God came down and crushed us all and wrote about it.

I was like, but look, you got nothing to worry about. That's not going to happen for a long, long time. Toss this in at the end of the book. Imagine reading the Bible the first time and then you get to the end like what the fuck like the new testament's all like this nice good stuff and then you get to the last book and like geez yeah what the fuck was that about what the fuck yeah monsters dude i'm telling you uh answer to joe by young it just deals with that whole thing like why it started like nasty old testament god kind of got nice god's trying to become a human the whole

time during a bible becomes a human murders himself it's weird and then at the end jesus comes back he's like jesus is here and he's like with a hammer and not a hammer with a sickle and just murders us all it's like fucking dorks and we're like what the fuck yeah doesn't he lead like uh the jew army yeah in jerusalem he raises them all from the dead. So yes. Something storms Jerusalem. Yep. He's basically the dude from game of Thrones. Yeah. He's a bad guy from game of Thrones.

Yeah. True. He is the ice King at the end. Yeah. That dude, I'm telling you, it's like reading. I have to read it again.

Cause so much of it goes over my head, but like you deal with that whole narrative and like, how it comes from all like the Greek, all that weird Greek stuff. And dude, it's bizarre. Yeah. I don't know anything about the Bible, really.

Of course you don't. Yeah. Protestant. Protestant. Wasp. No, I'm Catholic. Protestant. I'm Catholic.

It's very Catholic to know nothing about the Bible. It's like the most Catholic thing you can do. You didn't go to Catholic school, bro. No, no, no. But I did go to like... Sunday school? Yeah, I went to Sunday school and then we had lunch. Did you fuck with anything in the people's desks?

No. All right. I still got beef. That's the move. I still got beef with public school kids who fucked with my desk. Yeah, I went to Sunday school and then we had lunch you fuck up anything in the people's desks No, all right I still got beef with public school kids who fucked with my desk You were in Sunday school. Yeah up until fifth grade. I went to public school. Oh, it wasn't in the school It was like in the church. Yeah, we had CCD All my friends played football like I played Catholic sports So like they were all my friends and teenage so I would fuck with their desks. Dude, I have...

Pretty fun. Switch a pencil case. That's big time. I used to keep Flavor Blasted Goldfish at my desk. So I'd come in and rattle it like, motherfuckers, dude. Those poor fucking public school kids pinched my Goldfish again. I arranged my books so that they all fit in and I could have a carton of Flavor Blasted so I could open them and dispense Flavor Blasteds.

I can't believe they let kids do that. Oh, they didn't. I was the reason that snacks got taken away from everybody. We got to put our snacks all the way on the other side of the room. Then my cousin sat next to the snacks and he ate everybody's snacks. It was a nightmare, dude. It was a total nightmare. No, I mean, I can't believe they like...

So you guys went to Catholic school, and public school kids would come in on the weekends and sit at your desk. No, at night. Like, once a week at night, we would go in and go to the Catholic school, and you'd just sit in a classroom for like an hour. What was that like?

Jesus. Sucked. I hated it. I fucking hated it. Yeah. I remember a religion class just being the dumbest. Well, he's just sitting there, and they go,

what do you guys think he should do? And they pray and they're like, correct. And you're like, yes. It was like the stupidest, easiest class. I remember being like, well, I got a 97 in religion. This is fucking tight. All our teachers were like hot single moms, though. What?

Yeah. Because they're trying to get a lecture. Oh, you're up in like Gilmore Girls area. No, no, no. I mean, that's up there. Chris, Greenwich Village. I've never seen it. Gilmore Girls is up there. no, no. I mean, that's up there. Chris, Greenwich Village. I've never seen it. Gilmore Girls is up there.

Greenwich Village. It's near like the Cape. Greenwich, Connecticut. Vineyard. It's near the vineyard. No, no, no. It's Gilmore Girls. Greenwich Village, please.

I would never live in the village. Greenwich, Connecticut, please. There's no way to get out from here. With the yawns. With the boats. Dude, so last night, this was pretty tight. Damn, dude, I wish I spent more time on boats. You got it, dude.

I wish I did. Why don't you? Well, those doors have sort of closed. Get a little Lundy. What's a Lundy? A little Lundy. A little boat. A little tiny fishing boat.

Yeah, a dinghy. A little fishing boat. Put a little motor on it. Let's get you out to sea. We got to Lundy? A little Lundy. A little boat. A little tiny fishing boat. Like a dinghy. Yeah, a dinghy. A little fishing boat. Put a little motor on it. Let's get you out to sea. We got to get you out of the open sea. I think the ocean would do me some good. I think so, dude. Yeah.

You might be an old school seaman, dude. Yeah, I could feel that. You look like, yeah, you should be in a lighthouse. You should live in a lighthouse. Away from society. Just every day, just like like what is going on here it's a boat goes bad it's like you're supposed to turn yeah it would also just just coming back from 20 years of that and people being like feeling like

i did something really important and people oh no we've had gps yeah ignoring that oh you were out there jesus people like climbed the tourists go to the top and like ah what is this guy doing here yeah man i uh i want to take uh i want to eventually go to galapagos when my when my kid becomes like 10 i'm gonna go that's my long-term plan go to galapagos for like two weeks. It'd be awesome. Only so many people a year can go. Right. So you got to sign up now probably. I didn't think about that. I probably should.

You got to like get on the waiting list. Yeah. But I feel like, man, it'd be really disappointing to take your kid to something like that and have them not appreciate it at all. No way a kid would appreciate it. I'll like it. So I'll be like, this is awesome.

It's also though, but you would say it's like the zoo though. Your bae won't appreciate it either. Baes will would appreciate it. I'll like it. So I'll be like, this is awesome. It's also, though, but you would say it's like the zoo, though. Your bae won't appreciate it either. Baes will not appreciate it. Some baes love animals. Bro. Love animals. Going to the zoo? Yeah, they want to go to the zoo.

They don't want to go to the Galapagos Islands. I'll have to look into it. Yeah, that's very welcome feedback. I feel like you can't blue ball a girl more. I'd be taking them to an exotic location with no resort. Yeah, there's no resort. Just watching, like, dude, I was reading about migratory patterns of salmon last night. Amazing.

Really? Dude, they know it's a chemical scent trail, and they use star constellations and electromagn electromagnetism yeah to find their way they're like pinging around on some weird system birds i think do the same thing that's crazy they actually like uh yeah like they're very like sensitive to the like magnetic north and south and they said humans are kind of the same way i think my mom was telling me about some like experiment they did where they like i don't know i used to get lost in boss cobs. Something shopping sensors throwing you. Well,

that's what, that's what she was saying. They like, they put some people like on a bus with like, like magnets, like near their head. And they're like, they got totally disoriented.

They like had much like a much more difficult time, like finding their way back. I might have a magnet in my head that makes sense my mom thinks a little off course yesterday with that business plan i did i did i was i'm on a i've started to learn that i have like mood wise i'm very cyclical i might have like light bipolar but it's fine no big deal the also i'll get like last week i was just like real bummed i'm like man that's not gonna work out bro pack it up you deserve you time to find a new time because every every like three weeks i'm like dude give it up yeah and then it'll like

accelerates like this week i've been all just like like non-stop idea download where i'm like oh shit oh what was that one oh fuck it dude and it's like i'm riding a sick magnet crest right now i'm like this is tight this is tall once you realize once you were able to go like now when i get bummed i'm like yo bro it's coming oh yeah oh yeah it's coming right right and i just and i zoom right back up so it also has to do if i go to the gym and you know, that's my gym pattern is like hard for two weeks Then I miss one day and then I miss three weeks. Yeah, and then I hit it fucking hard again So it's all once you figure out your cycles is pretty tight. My mom has a thing about solar flare She thinks she thinks solar flares like fuck with us

At least give us like a regular heartbeats and stuff. I guess it's possible. I guess I think but Magnus dude You don't think some magnets come out of the sun come on now i don't know bro nuclear that's nuclear dude i don't think magnets come out but don't even get me started on the fucking meta pattern of spheres in general dude the meta pattern of spheres dude man i feel like you you collect jar you are a magnet for jargon jargon just sticks to you it It's like, all right, explain it. I don't know. The meta pattern of spheres?

Well, spheres are one of them. Spheres, rods, cones. There's so many. Dude, it's... Spheres, rods, cones. Just naming shapes. If you think about a planet, if you think about it... So, the sun.

What makes the sun a body? It's like, what, nuclear fusion? So there's outside forces that condense it to the point where it can no longer condense. That's what creates a sphere. The moon. that condense it to the point where it can no longer condense. That's what creates a sphere. The moon. Gravity condenses matter to the point where it can't condense anymore.

A baseball. What shape's a baseball? Outside forces. Roles of the sport. Shape, the diameter, and size. I mean, this goes on. When an ant digs in the dirt, what shape pops out when an ant digs an anthill? A sphere.

It's just, don't. Just sorry. Sorry about this. You're saying there's a lot of spheres. Wait. So you've gathered that there are spheres spheres wait I thought

the only thing preventing a like a I didn't read the whole book yet a star from condensing anymore is just there's not it's not

there's not enough matter it's still pulling in but why because it's spheres dude because of spheres excuse me dude because of spheres I'm pretty sure the black hole just keeps condensing dead star Because of spheres, dude. Because of other spheres. Excuse me, dude. Because of spheres.

I'm pretty sure on this book, it just keeps condensing. Dead star. You want to talk? You know about black holes? I don't know if it's dead. What? What do you know about stars? What do I know about stars? Let's have an astronomy off right now.

Right here, right now. Look, Chris, if you know remotely anything about this, you're going to win. He's going to hit you with jargon, and that's all he's got. You want to talk space talk? I'll talk space talk right now. You're talk space talk i'll kill space black hole is just a more dense star it's a dead star dude i don't know if it's dead first of all it has to be sucking what size star has to be not every dead star becomes a black hole it has to be a certain size of a star yeah yeah but if if it like... Come up, just say red giant.

That's one. Say white dwarf. Right, but eventually... White dwarf's not going to become white hole. Eventually, we're all going to get sucked into black holes. White dwarfs, I don't think, become black holes.

Like, we're getting sucked towards a black hole right now. I have a theory that black holes are why we spin around in the orbit we do. I think black holes are gravity. That's not your theory. That's a...

Well, I'll co-author it. Whoever else can do it. I'll do it. No, I think there that's not your theory that's a well i'll co-author whoever else you know i'll do i'll do i think at all there's i don't know well it's not just black holes right like any like the the process of starting that spin is the same as like a tornado or a hurricane getting like the the you're applying earth science to outer space bro it's all it's all the same physics are you applying nature to nature yeah people forget that space is just nature heard that bro come on man i know i heard that please space you think you think matter is conscious yep uh i think it depends on the matter right what like What? Like, we're made up of matter. We're a conscious system, right?

Yeah. But I don't think, like, this is conscious. I don't think this table's, like, feeling stuff. Okay. Fair enough. You do. Interesting. You heard it first.

Professor Connor doesn't think matter is conscious. That's the thing that fucks up science, like, rationalist scientific people. It's like, well, if matter's all it is, how are we conscious think science is open to the idea that a table could be conscious, but there's just no way. I'm talking tables, bro. What are you talking about? I'm talking star stuff. Atoms.

What do you think tables are made out of? Atoms. They're made out. We're made out of the same stuff. It's just different order. You know, tables are made out of star stuff. You know, this table is actually a bunch of spheres presenting as the illusion of a table. Excuse me.

What? This table is made up on a fundamental atomic level of spheres. Yeah. Well of a table excuse me what this table's made up on a fundamental atomic level of spheres yeah well it's mostly empty space you know don't even get me started it is all right i'm sorry i was a diversion i'm hype right now because i did it uh last night last last night so you know i have my deep dives right where i do like you get stoned moderate amount of THC. He gets high and learns about spheres. It's like, whoa, spheres are everywhere?

How does that not induce an anxiety attack after an hour? You have to work through that. That's the problem. It translates to the other aspects. You're not getting anything out of it. Avoid it. Dude, I've already transcended tons of my social anxieties. I typically dissociate.

I didn't know that. I learned that. I'm on like a semi-dissociated state like 50% of the time. I'll be like in a class. People are doing stuff. And I just go like, meh, and check out. And I'll be like, fucking like come back into it. Not like a boredom dissociation, like a discomfort dissociation.

But that's a whole other topic. Like not dayd daydreaming not daydreaming it's a protective mechanism where it's just kind of like like i realized when i talked to my parents i'm like semi-dissociated i'll like sit down with them and i'm like man i'm with my parents now i'm thinking about the fact that i'm thinking about what being yeah you're code switching for your parents sort of not but it's dissociating is just a dual consciousness so it'd be like rather than like sitting here all talking if i were talking but sitting here kind of shrunk back in and myself thinking about the fact that we're talking and be like that's when you dissociate that oh that just seems like normal human interaction right no like if i'm around my parents i'm going to talk

with them about different stuff than i would talk with you guys about. It's different. That's just monitoring your speech. I'm talking about dissociating. It's hard to explain. I used to get it when I went on job interviews. You're not Matt McCusker when you're talking to your parents. No. So a job interview is a better example. I would sit in a job interview and the person would be talking to me and I'm listening to

them, but I can't hear a word they're saying because I'm hearing myself think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's dissociating. It's girlfriend stories. That's what it's called. It's a girlfriend story. Dude, true. And you can't help it.

I've tried so hard to not fall into the disassociated state. But when a girl story starts, it's just like, ugh. You start strategizing. It's like, how can I end this story and also keep her happy? Is there a thing I could say to collapse this story? Do you think that's what happens to female comics? Do you think the whole audience just instinctively goes into disassociative thought?

It's not their fault, dude. It's not their fault. It's just everybody's trained to have girl talk so once girl talk starts everyone's just like uh people comics just murdering and there's everyone's like just that's like a protective trauma mechanism it's like an emp this is like a frequency but dude the uh that's so fucking funny the so i started doing the um the deep dive is when you go pure silence like quiet meditative music i did the opposite last night i'm like let's mix it up and i listen i googled intense dubstep and got stoned and put the headphones on

that's wild that's fucking that was that was the warhead challenge dude of like sitting there for like fucking two at listen to an entire like intense dubstep song like like it changes like every four seconds it's like a different song that was fucking nuts i don't that's pure sensory how do you do that i would have just thought about how fucking corny the guy who made it what i was gonna say yeah just like it's a protective mechanism you guys are doing this is too this fucking dubstep drop is way too brutal for me right now well that's what i'm saying i'm like what was this guy like what is this guy trying to do to me i literally make this i got the feeling of social anxiety while i was listening to dubstep last night i was just like fuck i don't want to go anywhere i can't handle

the world if this is what it is yeah dude dubstep is if you get as stoned as you can i don't want to go anywhere. I can't handle the world if this is what it is. Yeah, dude, dubstep is, if you get as stoned as you can, I don't, this is just for fun and giggles. It's like a fucking roller coaster, dude. Yeah. Close your eyes, like, as high as you can, and then just fucking listen to some dubstep. It's like, dude, who the fuck listens? This is crazy.

Yeah. What is this? It's like robot heavy metal. Dude, it's fucking weird. I feel that way when i watch like a movie if i'm like too high i'm just i think about all the people who went into making that movie and like whether i could ever be someone to like organize that group of people i'm just like i don't have i don't have that you start directing the movie yeah yeah yeah just people

chiming in with like maybe we should do this and you're just like ah yeah i wouldn't be able to do it yeah wouldn't be able to hold it together Yeah. Wouldn't be able to hold it together. Thing would fall to pieces. Like whenever I see a movie that's totally disorganized, like I'm like, that's what I would have made. Just letting anyone just bully me into their idea. Yeah. That would be. Yeah.

That's dissociating. That would be when you know in your head, this is not what I want to do. And you're like, OK, no problem. Yeah. Good idea. Well, I also have that thing where sometimes someone will suggest something, and it's like I can't explain perfectly why that's a bad idea right now, but I just know that it is.

Yeah. But then they have a good argument, and I'm like, ah. You ever listen to other people's good arguments? Sometimes. Maybe when we're in London. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's ego strength, dude's what people you know people always talk about like ego death i'm gonna get ego death you can convince yourself like ego death but you're you just need to build up the

opposite ego strength so that you're not constantly trying to escape your reality because you're just like uh i don't want to do that but okay fine yeah yeah i'm gonna kill my ego i'm just too it's like no dude you should probably build Ego strength is being able to withstand that and being like, I disagree. Yeah. It's also just life. Respectfully. Senator, I disagree. Shane's got, you have good ego strength.

Thanks. And people will hate on it. People with weak ego strength will then project and be like, you're an egomaniac. And it's like, no. Yeah, you do have good ego strength. You have good ego strength. Not strong enough. This is a strength-based podcast.

Not strong enough. Well, you're also a curious cat. This is a strength-based podcast. You're also a curious cat. This is a strength-based podcast. You're also a curious cat. You guys want to leave me hanging for five minutes? It's a strength-based podcast. I thought you were channeling Andrew. No.

Oh, dude. I got to check on. I got some things going on in 1914. Oh, yeah, dude. Me and England are having a bit of a disagreement here. Really? Yeah. Iceland, Greenland came in and liberated Ireland. dude i mean me and england are having a bit of a disagreement here really yeah iceland greenland came in and liberated ireland and i was like bro i'm taking ireland enough of this well greenland

just got attacked and then greenland started getting attacked by shat nation yeah so i was like all right i'm gonna go take ireland england came back and took it while i was sending ships so i dm'd uh eng. I said, you better stop. Give me that territory. I'm going to come fuck you up. Yeah, give me that territory. I'm just going to fuck him up. Yeah, I'm fighting

Mother Russia right now, dude. The ultimate, the ultimate. What happened to Brian Six? That's the question. That's a good question. Where's Brian Six in all this? Let's talk about that.

I'm hearing a lot of English. He left his border. I'm hearing a lot of English. France left its border open. Yeah. And the Ray, the Ray from Spain, El, came in and fucked his shit up, dude. I fucking killed Beezer. He's not happy about it.

Beezer was in the coalition. It was me, Shane, Shat Nation. I know. Shat Nation's a problem, bro. This dude's got a lot of territory. He's quickly expanding. And, you know. Yeah.

Hey, we're allies. We are allies. But Beezer was our ally, too. Beezer was there i was there on day 30 of this game like he invested time into this game well he did abandon his post yeah he was i didn't think he was playing and then as soon as i attacked he was like what the hell there's a newspaper so like you check the newspaper because like you can write articles and submit propaganda which is so fucking fun yeah and the uh i saw that beezer like you know leader beezer has abandoned his post so like we're these are mussolini if you don't go on for like yeah beezer mussolini if you don't go on for three days it says you abandon your post and then it's just like or you know

it's like playing a computer basically they just kind of artificial intelligence which actually i i attacked preemptively because if he wasn't playing, France is right there on my border, dude. Yeah. I had to. I had to do it. It was nothing against Beezer. I saw the map. The machines rose up in France.

I saw the map, and I was never quite comfortable with Beezer's position. Why? Just because he's between you and everyone you want to fight. So I knew he was going to get trampled. We had like a little Black Friday true it was I fucking killed him right away

and it took like 20 minutes literally I just walked through him well Beezer's like I'm attacking Greece and I was like monitoring the map

and I was like he sent like 7 people to Greece and I'm like that's not gonna do it they have like 150 people. So Beezer just got murdered in Greece.

And then I look over and Shane just wiped him out. It was funny because I was taking out Greece. And I'm like, as soon as I take out Greece, I'm going to take out Beezer. So sharks were circling, dude. He was. Beezer was weak. He's got a lot of wheat going on in there. Yeah, he had some good resources.

Yeah, he had good resources. And look, I'm going to need France if I'm going to invade england i know i need france you're gonna give him he was gonna give we were gonna give beezer a small territory in the middle east because i have the entire africa in the middle east like they're yeah it's gonna give beezer a small territory in the middle east that would surround it by both of us a lot of live just build one guy every three days just attack him like three days so you only have like two troops and leave it go. That's classic Shat Nation fashion. You gotta, yeah,

we're gonna give him a little land, but. It's Shatism, dude. I couldn't, I couldn't let him have any. It's like when they send like an African dictator to some like building

in the middle of nowhere. I couldn't, I couldn't give him one island. I couldn't give him any territory. If you're gonna, if you're gonna go to war, you gotta vanquish your enemies. Entirely.

If I kept him alive at all, he would have tried his hardest to come back. just so funny being like you left this whole border open don't trust anybody what are you doing that's so fucking funny yeah it's heating up it's fun the game's so deep at this point i'd be relieved for someone to take me out dude all the anxiety you say that but so far you're undefeated've been imagine if you start to lose one of those I can't imagine it it would be frustrating dude I can't imagine I was thinking about the people that I've taken out they have to be like all this really sucks Oh every time do the numbers and they're like oh this guy just has more people that dude also playing that game

You know it's like it just pulls that stuff up, and you're like oh shit I don't have enough wheat and you're like fuck i'm gonna take this guy's shit it's like i understand now in real life when i hear like we go in other countries i'm like well have you checked our wheat supplies dude yeah yeah we were running out of fucking oil we had to we had oil yeah we just went for the oil it's like yeah dude our barrels were low we got in the red numbers you had to ramp them up yep and they're sitting on double oils yeah they're sitting everywhere double oils and they have one guy on each thing it's like, we're going over there. Obviously, we're going.

Obviously, the USS Michael Jackson's on its way. Right, right, right, right. The USS Michael Jackson's on its way. It has to. That game gave me a new perspective on, like, geopolitics. Global politics. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, well, all right. Now I can see you playing this game. Corruption is our protection. Uh-huh. Corruption. Corruption is our protection. Corruption. Corruption is our protection. Say that again. Explain that.

I'm more about outer space. Explain the problem. Oh, well, look, sometimes you've got to do some stuff in the Middle East to make sure China doesn't get access to that oil. You've got to choke the blood to the brain a little bit. He's a liberal war hawk. He's a war bit. You know, he's a liberal war. Yeah, look, you know, what's your favorite modern conflict going on right now? I like the drone strikes in Yemen.

No, no, no, no. I don't look. I don't I don't know what's going on, but I trust you support. I trust you support it. Yeah. I well, not intervention. I like meddling. I believe we should be meddling.

I intervened on Beezer. I had to intervene. True. It was just a classic intervention. Right, right. You're basically UNICEF. You went in there, helped him out. Helped him out. The stuff's in your name now, but he's still around. Yeah, yeah. He's still alright. Yeah, yeah. it's like,

real life, I would have executed him. Or put Beezer against the wall. You'd had to. Had to. Can't let your enemies live, dude. That's how,

fuck, who's that guy? Soldier Nitson. He went out, they threatened firing squad on him, and he was like, give it to me. I'll take it right now. And the soldiers only had blanks,

and they were like, fucking dick, get out of here. They were trying to scare him out of it, and he was like, fucking, let's go. Damn. Yeah, he faced the firing squad. Which, first of all, I'm like, why dick, get out of here. They were trying to scare him out of it, and he was like, fucking let's go. Damn.

Yeah, he faced a firing squad. Which, first of all, I'm like, why do they have blanks? I guess they wanted to spook him out, like, let a couple shots off. Yeah, there's a thing where they give, like, one or two guys a blank so that you can all be like, no, I didn't kill him. Right. Especially with, like, deserters. That makes sense, yeah. Because with deserters, the truth, that really fucks morale up.

You know? Yeah, that's true. If you're killing your own guys. Yeah, I watched a documentary on the IRA doing that with their peeps. People that would like rat out to the British, they get just like disappeared or whatever. Yeah. Murder them. Yeah, and they would do that.

They'd like take them out to some like dune and they'd have like three or four people with guns. That's cool to think. I mean, maybe, yeah, it's still cool to think about how no matter what we and they have like three or four people with guns. That's cool to think. I mean, maybe. Yeah, it's still cool to think about how no matter what we're doing, it does involve some people getting murdered at some level. Somebody has to bite the dust. Yeah, snitches get stitches. Dude, even like the president. Think about how many people die every year around the presidential or every four years around.

There's people getting killed around the presidential election race. There's guys who are like, I got the DOS and people are like. People are definitely getting murdered over there. Do you think so? If people are getting murdered over small drugs and shit, you don't think people are getting murdered over billions of dollars? Yeah, it'd be hard to imagine

that there isn't some... I'm surprised Bernie's not going to get capped. Nah. He's trying to take a lot of money from a lot of people. Allegedly. There's definitely someone taste-testing. Nah. He's trying to take a lot of money from a lot of people. Allegedly. There's definitely someone taste testing his food.

Well, they will also try to propaganda... They can propagandize their way out of it and they're probably trying to do that first. And then if that doesn't work, it's like, yeah, dude.

Well, here's the thing. He's going to be pitching these ideas to Congress and, you know... Yeah, they're not going to let him do anything. He's going to need millionaires' approvals to tax millionaires. Yeah, yeah. True. Well, I think they're not going to let him do anything. He's going to need millionaires' approvals to tax millionaires.

Yeah, yeah. True. Well, I think they're also going to. Probably not. I think once we finally, I think we'll have socialism at some point. In the meantime, people who are super rich are all going to migrate to government. So by the time we have socialism, they're just like the ruling elite in the government. You know what I mean?

Yeah. But then we'd have healthcare, which would be tight. Healthcare would be nice. I don't know. That does confuse me. I got blood panels done recently. I went for a physical. Nice.

Got blood panels. How's that going? What's a blood panel? They just like do all your blood work. Dude, they're stunting on me trying to say I was in pre-diabetic range for my A1C,

but it was only because I ate a full meal before I went. I think you're supposed to have a fasting. So I like pigged and was barely in pre-diabetic. So I'm like, that's not bad. Yeah, that's,

that's pretty good. I was so full. He was pushing on my stomach. How's that feeling? I was like, Oh, I just ate two bowls of chili before I came here. So take it easy.

So my BMI was too fucking high. That pissed me right the fuck off. Really? Yeah, dude, I talked about this. I like Mark McGuire me. Yeah. Yeah, dude. I was just like, yeah, dude, he said your BMI was too fucking high. That pissed me right the fuck off. Really? Yeah, dude. I talked about this. Mark McGuire'd me. Yeah. Yeah, dude.

I was just like, yeah, dude. He said your BMI is too high? A little high. He wants to see it come down a little. Where do you got to cut? Where? Yeah. He's not a bodybuilding coach.

He just said... Yeah, he didn't have a marker. Obviously, my hips, dude. My hips. You're just circling. Oh, do you have handles? Bitch hips, dude. I'm starting to get them.

They come and go. Well, they haven't gone in a while, but they might be here to stay. I don't really care. But it was so funny because I have an Asian doctor, and he was like, so what do you do? And I was like, comedian. And he was like, oh, what's that do? Nope. Try to like, yeah.

He started to be like, I almost felt like it was a little bit competitive at a point. He was like, oh. And he was like, well, it's not really a comedy city, is it? He started being like oh and he was like well there's it's not really a comedy city is it uh he started being like where do you even do that it's not really a doctor city is it bro yeah dude but yo i heard honoman just closed down this one's next bro but yeah it's like yeah i mean all the good doctors are at hopkins but i guess this scene's all right it was weird it was i was like and i was about to instinctively be like actually i have a pot and, yeah, man, not a big comedy town. It kind of sucks being me.

So we'll just let that one live. Don't Google it. Last thing I need is my doctor to have it out for me, bro. I feel like it would be good to have your doctor, like, listening to some of this. Why? Just get a good look into your life. See what you're doing. What your habits are.

Fuck up my. You think so? Yeah. I feel like doctors. The more they know, the better they feel. I feel like they're snitches for health insurance companies they're just trying to take negative they're like dude you're there anymore and they're like do you fuck guys and you're like what have you only fucked women in the past 10 years i'm like shit bro he's like i don't know you gotta be weird

about they ask like weird risky questions so that you would say yes and then they jack up your health it'd be nice if they like said that you were fat a nicer way yeah i mean like the bmi thing if he actually came in it was like well it says on this chart that you were fat a nicer way yeah i mean like the bmi thing if he actually came in it was like well it says on this chart that you could definitely hit a bunch of home runs thank you yeah they should be so what are you about to turn that all into muscle or what's going on here yeah they should be they should be a little more sensitive about that yeah that was like it dude first of all i was like did he say it exactly he was like uh bmi it's uh well it's nothing to be worried about but if it's up there a little what do you how much do you usually weigh and i'm like you know i've been up my weight

fluctuates i was like so i've been like 180 i've hovered around like 190 now which i'm kind of digging dude yeah i've been liking having something for me so i'm like bro i'm like 50 cent on the treadmill dude how tall are you five ten and a half10 and a half? It's got the official. It's got that half. It's got the official. But, Connie, you got some halves in there, definitely. Me? Throw it in. It counts. It counts. It counts.

It's a half in there, yeah. 5'10 and a half. 5'11, basically. Basically the same height as Allen Iverson, who's six feet, so. True. Count it. I always thought you were six feet. I'm pretty much.

Really? Damn, I thought you were my height. No. It happens. No. It happens all the time. yeah just you know did you go to the they make me took my fingers it's a short person thing you guys wouldn't get it but like most of the time i'm moving through the world i'm like everyone's my height and then every once in a while people get like too close and i'll be like wait a minute just ground level it happened to my mom actually over the weekend

She came up to me She was like Are you growing I was like no mom You're short You've always been short She was like I thought we were the same

Oh That feels good She's like five foot tall Really Yeah How tall are you Five seven and a half Five seven's not bad

Five eight Probably No five seven and a half That's not bad No no Five seven's fine It's all fine Yeah'7 and a half that's not bad no no 5'7 is fine it's all fine yeah

it's good I think that's like my mom's height it's good you're like a decent lady my mom's tall my mom's like 5'8 yeah my mom's like 5'8

I have girl cousins who just tower me dude there's like girl cousins where are they my cousin's side Mito's fucking tall they're glasses of milk

they're you guys gotta come to the compound this summer you have to it's a must I need milk. You guys got to come to the compound this summer. It's a must. I need to come to the compound. Got to come to the compound. I'll come. Hit the pool. Play some pool b-ball, dude.

I don't know if I can take a fight. What are you talking about? That's a fight. You think someone's going to fight you? Yes. Dude. If I'm going to the compound, there's going to be a lot of shit talking. Nah, they'll be chilling, dude.

All right. They'll be chilling. They'll be people lecturing you on how awesome it was for your career, for you to get kicked off of Saturday Night Live. Oh, God, dude.

There's no bad publicity. My fucking aunt. Oh, my aunt came over yesterday. Or as Chris would say, my aunt. My auntie. Yeah. My aunt.

I used to say aunt and then I found out how you're supposed to say it and I changed. Dude, that's English, dude. Yeah, it's old English. Why are you acting so English? We're fucking Amish, bro Yeah, it's old English. Why are you acting so English? We're fucking Amish, bro.

Sorry, bro. Why are you acting so fucking English? Yeah, Amish people. When did this happen? When people accuse... Just now. That's what Amish people accuse people of, acting English.

You can't be using any of this equipment if you're Amish. Yo, chill, dude. We're metanized. We're on Rumspringer, bro. We are on Rumspringer. That'd be tight if we were actually Amish people on rumspringer

you could be you can be on rumspringer as long as you want yeah we should leak that like the White House does just to get that out get ahead of the narrative

yeah yeah but you're on rumspringer so yeah we were just trying out saying fuck yourself we want to see what happens true

I could have claimed Amish you should have dude who's gonna check you everyone if you had to pull imagine dude I'm literally everyone I'm picturing like one of those like tv shows where the cruise pulls up on like a

dusty gravel driveway and you hand an Amish dude a briefcase you're like I'm your boy he's like oh I don't know yeah it'd be funny to see the Amish community try to court you guys back they would get me pretty quickly you think so yeah but no my my aunt came in and her her career idea for me was to go on the show survivor that was her genuine i actually like this idea she's like you could you could do survivor you get you on there and i was like first of all i would leave immediately i wouldn't make it off the dock i'd be like we're getting on that boat with these i'm not hanging out With these people The only person

Who's trying to leave the game And they keep voting Oh my god Keep me around Because I'm the weakest We have actually We have a dog Who works for

I couldn't believe she said it She's like You should do Survival I was just trying to I was watching the end of Narcos And I was just like Yeah alright Thank you

She's like You don't think I was like Nah I think I'm gonna stay like just comedy she's like you could do it on there you could do comedy on Survivor bro you'd be

oh my god it would be so funny you on Survivor would be fucking hilarious yeah obviously it would be hilarious being funny too on Survivor

that'd be so funny just the whole time being like I'm trying to leave yeah Survivor I want to lose. I should do Real World. Real World would be awesome. All those kids, they're all like 22.

It'd be funny on Real World. I might end up sucking a boy if I was on that. Well, it'd be funny too. Have you seen those kids? My name's Trek. I'm a 24-year-old dude from Australia. And then it'd be like, I'm Shane. I'm a cancel comedian.

I live in the basement of this house. I just just you know I come and go yeah Viacom signed me to some weird contract and I agreed to do this MTV show

dude we have a dog who's a mole in the reality TV business who's going to give us a DOS on whatever reality TV shows we want yeah bro

that's good that's good we need that DOS I told him I was like conjure up the DOS he was like I'll give

I was like let me know I don't watch those shows, but hit me with the Dosses. Oh, my sister was watching one that's on right now. What is it?

The craziest thing I've ever seen. It's, it's this show on Netflix where people get married before they meet each other. They sit in a room and talk to each other.

No, not 98, 98 Fiance Rules. That's, that's when people are just stealing, like marrying somebody for a green card

and then whoever the american is is like no we're really in love and it's just some incredibly hot like chick from guatemala yeah damn he's a bitch they're so mean they're so mean to their fiance god i could get into that it's a really one girl yeah one girl like i like took a trip like yeah they were supposed to hang out for 90 days. You get 90 days to be in America. Yeah. Get married. And she took a month-long trip to Costa Rica.

It was like dancing on, grinding on dudes, and sending her fiance videos and stuff. God, I want that. I want to get a life coach. I just want to get a hot immigrant lady life coach. You're locked in, baby. Life coach. Locked in.

Imagine having an immigrant every day. Locked in, dude. Your ass is greener over in Honduras. Trust me, it's not. No, no. Hear me out. Non-sexual. Non-sexual life coach.

Overtly non-sexual. Having an immigrant life coach, a dude who can just come over and be like, what the fuck are you doing, dude? You're like, I want to play my game. He's like, dude, I fucking was starving. Let's fucking go. Immigrant life coaches would be tight i would have that chilling in five minutes he'd be playing fucking battlefield one 12 hours a day yeah true that'd be hard to life coach them because you could be like all right well let's get some ice cream we'll get back to it they're

like oh my god what is this like let's uh let's jerk off on our phones and then go out what true the mexican dudes get their hands on those like they just fuck with pics on their phone they'll show you like a hot a picture of a hot chick and it's like hey bro you know about fucking pornhub dude i don't almost don't want to like blow it be the first guy to give you a needle be like yeah yeah maybe maybe you have data privilege i had to know they don't have that they don't have I have data. No, they don't have that. They don't have data. They don't have Wi-Fi. They have Respecto.

Cricket Mobile's fucking slogan is Respecto. They're very fucking slow, Weefy. The Weefy is not good. It's pretty crappy. Bad Weefy down there. Yes, you just got to get a good image. They get good JPEGs, dude, and they just like, see? Yeah, yeah.

They kind of ask you, like, would you? You're like, obviously, bro. Yeah. Would you like see yeah they kind of ask you like would you you're like obviously bro yeah would you like yeah how do you like that and you're like she's hot dude no there's a there's a show where these people sit in a room across like they do like speed dating in these rooms that it's like a confessional so you can't see who's on the other side and they speed date and at the end you somebody the end, you have to marry them. What? The show is you get engaged. Whoa.

And the whole time they're like, oh my God, this is crazy. It's like, yes. Yeah, no, it is crazy. This is retarded. Yeah, yeah. It's like, I'm going to marry somebody I've never even seen? This is crazy. Yeah.

It's like, yes, you're right. Ew. Why are you talking about it that way? What's the name of the show? Oh. I forget. It's, you know, I watched a lot of girl TV this week. It happens.

It's good. It's good to check in on girl TV. It's wild, dude. I watched fucking, my mom always watches the home, the home now. What the fuck is that? Yeah, HGTV. HGTV. It is, it is porn for women oh it's crazy it's just a lady being like this is what i want the house to look like and every husband's

like you know i gotta listen to the boss and build this perfect house for her and it's the show i watched for five minutes before i turned it off my mom was like i'm watching that i was like no you're not you don't need to be we're gonna find something we both like and i put on youtube memes that is fucked up because it warps women's perception of like how that shit works because every show is a girl like we should redo the entire house and then they're like they do this simulation and then the girl stands there the girl literally will stand there like with her arms folded yep bossing people around like being like i don't know if i like it do you want to repaint this house again yeah the husband's like uh yeah can we talk off camera and then whoever

is running the show the property brothers yo they might be on site for them oh man i hate those motherfucking twins yes one's the one's in like a lumisiano kind of suit and the other one's pretty much... They're both Lumisiano suits. Oh, God, dude. Those guys. They are the corniest dildos on earth. I hate those fucking guys. I'll give you that. They're up to no good.

Fuck, man. They're doing something weird. Kitchen Cousins were fucking... Those dudes knew what was up. I don't know if I saw a Kitchen Cousins. The fact they call themselves Kitchen Cousins is so fucking... There were two dudes who were just cousins that both did contracting. Sounds kind of hot, actually.

Kitchen cousins are just too hot. Kitchen cousins sounds like little secret terms you and your hot cousins have when you meet down in the kitchen and touch. Excuse me. I'm getting the refrigerator. It's like rub butts. Woo, baby. Come on, man.

That's important. That's a good point. Oh, dude. I get those. Did you ever see Step Sister prank porn? Yeah. Be like, oh, I got you. Look at my asshole. Ha, ha, ha. Oh, dude. I get those. Did you ever see Step Sister prank porn? Yeah. Be like, oh, I got you to look at my asshole. Yeah.

Yeah, it's great. I've been watching Last Minute Cream Pies, where it's hand job to last minute cream pie. Yeah. That's a woo, baby. Yeah, the titles are always like, he had to come right away as soon as it's like, yes. Yeah, that gets my feet off my little floor in my basement, dude. And then at the last second. Right when they start to fuck the guy comes oh we shouldn't it's like talking about heroin i mean you should have seen this boy in europe that's exactly what

i was looking for that's exactly what i was the thing you didn't know you wanted until you saw it yeah yeah yeah you guys actually it was so funny because uh last night britney was like i feel like an old person googling and i'm just like how do i i can't find what i want i know it's out there she described it she was just like i just really don't feel like having sex what if i gave you a hand job and you could just like because apparently semen will like trigger the um yeah it's good for the brain oh you're coming on the kid trigger the birth you got a kid doing like two days you're not on your girl you're not on your baby it simulates oxytocin so it'll trigger the birth. Matt.

Dude, she goes... You're dishing out facials, dude. Don't care. That's a cream pie facial. Ben did it already. No problem. Once you're that engaged in the circle of life, dude,

it's all the same. No, there's a membrane. There's a mucous plug. I hope so. It's just my cum. It's the mucous plug. It's clogged in the shower. All the shower slugs are blocking.

Basically, it's shower slugs block when the mucus plug comes out. Then the water could eventually break. Dude, she described a last minute pee pie. Hold on. Sorry, go ahead. So wait, your kid, it does react to things, right? You can touch it. So it's down there catching loads.

Or do you think it's like it's cut we need cams it's cut off shane just mimicked just being a greedy cum pig but yeah it's like it's like rocking in a hammock it's like a rhythm it's basically in an egg it's just like floating in a different fucking world and there's just some guy on the outside world coming every now and again no big but yeah dude it's like yeah when when you're she described it with the what your your bed she basically was like oh my she's like honestly like would you be mad if i just gave you a hand job she wants she wants to cp like make her go into birth sure she described and then i was like no no no. I mean, that wouldn't insult me at all. Dude, I'm like, oh, my God. I ain't going to fucking laugh.

Yeah, that's exciting. It was just funny. That was like her saddest thing. She could think about sex. And I'm like, I mean, you know, don't knock it. I guess I'll try it. I mean, I don't know. Wow.

Yeah, dude. It actually fucked me up so bad. I fapped last night. I was like, fuck. She keyed me up about that. I was like, my God. That's nice. Damn. Yeah, dude. It actually fucked me up so bad, I fapped last night. I was like, fuck. She keyed me up about that. I was like, I gotta fap. That's nice. Damn.

Yeah, man. Why didn't you just ask her to do it again? She didn't do it. She just talked about it. So then I went and jerked off, which is unrelated. She jerked off in the other room and then ran in and CP'd. Well, dude, I got a lot of witnesses. I'm like a sexual fucking spy right now because I got my mother-in-law.

You're up in the opera. You're up in the opera my mother-in-law the jerk-off police unit has now become two with a cape there was only one jerk-off police now i have two jerk-off fleeces in my house the mother-in-law is around for the birth oh yeah she'll be here for dude i hope she moves in really awesome having dude i mean you guys are aware of like triangles and patterns, how like that's the ideal. Yeah. Come on. I just like rods and coats.

I'm more of a rod guy. Spheres. If you want to go three dimensional, we could take it there. But yeah, we learned about that in family class, how like a two person, just a strictly two person relationship. Eventually you get the stress just kind of builds when you have a third person. You can kind of like distribute the stress and kind of shuffle it around. Two outsiders, two insiders one outsider right dude it's just like 50 of just the emotional work that you don't

realize you're doing is now just being just her and her mom and having a blast talking watching tv it's just that's fantastic so and then it's like we'll be discussing things like financial stuff and her mom like well actually think about this and it's just so nice dude we the fact that we don't have like multi-generational households i know is a shame dude it's the way i've seen it yeah with my with my girl no but we do have to wrap this one up all right okay um yeah we're gonna have to wrap this episode up we got a new episode coming right now oh man uh i think lamar has been sitting on the couch for a little over about an hour. Ooh, really?

Yeah. Oh, shit. He's on the casting couch? He's on the casting couch right now. Dude, let's go. Beezer's probably grilling him. Like, now if I'm going to send this out, I'm going to have to see you naked.

Contact. Contact. What do you got? You got anything cool coming up? Yeah, I'm with Santino in Philly. Nice. March 6th and 7th Santino in Philly. Nice. March 6th and 7th. Nice.

Philly Punchline. Get tickets to that. That'll be fun. Yeah. Fifth, sixth, and seventh. Here, shut up. Fifth, sixth, and seventh. Fifth, sixth, and seventh, I'll be at the Stress Factory in Bridgeport, Connecticut.

I thought you were going to read his dates. That'll be sick. Shut up. The 12th and 13th, I'll be at Comedy Key West in Key West, Florida, the 12th and 13th. Of May? Yeah. No, of March. Okay, wow.

And then just a bunch of shit. Hilarity's Cleveland, Thursday the 26th, and then Friday and Saturday the 27th, 28th, Skankfest. Watch out. Yeah, I'll be at Skankfest too. Yeah. That'll be fun. But Chris, thank you for joining us yeah yeah always always thanks thanks for having me very yeah guest yeah listen to contact too yeah yeah singing high praise yeah are you doing it again yeah yeah yeah it was um I didn't do it again yeah keep it I'll probably record it when I get back

keep it going. You should talk about what you did in London. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I will. I thought we were going to talk about it actually here, but I'll talk about it on the... Yeah, tune in to... Yeah, listen to Contact. Listen to Contact and I'll talk about it.

Yeah, save some of the juice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to save a story with some heat for... Oh, Contact. All right. All right, thanks. Yep.