Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Standing on The Gravitron

Episode Date: April 21, 2020

A very blazed Luis J Gomez sets his sick piece down and joins the D.A.W.G.Z. for what turns out to be an absolute rumpus. Shane's been MK Ultra'd while Matt is just quietly getting fatter as he rapidly ages due to continued sleep deprivation.    Watch the video: https://youtu.be/Sfkxozmg7S8 Support the Dawgz and get extra stuff: patreon.com/MSsecretpod

we here dude we're live dude with the pr dude pr out saying he's coming from my mic dude king of podcast so you hear that on the fucking man saying secret podcast it's not a secret no more now that i'm here now you guys are on the map yeah you are a third pick today we two had two dropped out and uh i was like holy shit we never had lewis on the podcast you don't have to say that you don't have to tell me you just let me go on feeling good do you not know how to get the best out of somebody on a podcast let me give you a podcast i'm gonna give you guys podcasting lessons man shane ladies and gentlemen it's time for podcasting for your sponsors to leave in your shitty studio to fail dude and you'll come crawling crawling slithering to come work at fucking chat nation dude you don't think that digital is in

that house yeah nobody's on the nobody's on the dole at chat digital dude everyone pulls their own weight there's not even any money transferred it's a it's a future company whatever the next thing after bitcoin is it just after this is a company for after currency it just isn't a thing we're just a conglomerate that just don't you know our finances are just all conjoined in like a weird way yeah not via any kind of wallet or currency it's unbelievable it's a better way it's it's unbelievable it's unbelievable what we built it's a better way well look here here's i'd like to learn from you guys about finance and future finance and i'll teach you guys about

podcasting together we could maybe change the world so i was checking my robin hood app my stocks are up right now shane how are you dude i've missed you i know i missed you too i'm doing all right i uh yeah i'm good how's she going out there everything's good man it's it's really nice out here but uh yeah just you know it still sucks no matter where you are. Yeah. Like, I'm here. I don't know what's – I'm assuming Stan Hope's, like, pretty rich. But there's no way he has a nice home. It's impossible.

It is nice. Oh, really? It's nice? Yeah, I mean, it's nice. I feel like he spends his money on, like, lawn ornaments. That's actually exactly right. you know like lawn ornaments that's actually exactly right there's nice lawn ornaments it's like cool lawn ornaments so that's keeping me afloat no i bet he has a dope ass lawn ornament his so he has like a main house there's a guest house and then a like a lawn ornament house and then and then a trailer

like a camper that's fucking nice but yeah the in between in between all of it is uh lawn ornaments right it's good to be set up for having people just like randomly come stay with you for undisclosed yeah time just be like yeah come chill that's that's how your house is no issue that's what's up how do you feel about that lewis um having friendship yeah i would love it nice to be great just how blaze do you have any friends it's 420 obviously i'm how 420 blazed are you dude i've been smoking all fucking day dude i'm a fucking counterculture hero do you hear what rogan said about me what do you say yeah do you are you kidding me? What did he say?

You're going to roll in blunts or something? Are you kidding? That was him being racist, dude. He was making a racist joke against the Puerto Ricans. Did you guess that or you know that? No, I saw the clip. I saw the fucking clip. Yeah, damn right you saw that fucking clip.

I was about to share my screen. I have the ability to do that. Do you guys know that? Yes. Let me sit down. Boy, second name. Let me explain to you something about podcasting. You're such a fucking dipshit dude yeah dude you're the oil companies we're tesla dude you're the oil company man you guys are dinosaurs bro but you're the band we're tesla dude

ah dude we're the future I'm sorry your your time's up you guys had a good run we're just gonna recruit big j and bankrupt you i fucking i would love to if we could shut this business down right now oh give me the opportunity really can we buy you out we'll buy gas now's the time time. You could easily buy – right now, you could buy gas digital. How much you want? Damn. He's going to lie and give a crazy number here, and then off air be like, 10 Gs.

I was going to say $800. Oh, done. I'm going to buy and fire everybody. Use the studio. You're going to buy it just to burn it down? Yeah. You want the studio? Nah.

No, so what's going on? Lewis, you're blazed because it's 420 right that's pretty sick all right well dude i mean come on man i've been i am a counterculture legend at this point when when joe when did you learn the word counterculture when this week did you learn counterculture that you're fucking trying it out i can't believe you called off skank fest, dude. I thought you guys were going to stay true to that and just do it anyway. Yeah, I wish. I really should have tried. The opening is in Texas Open back this week, though.

You guys should do it this week. Wouldn't you? You know. If you guys were real, you guys would do Skank Fest. Dude, Skank Fest. Tonight. Lewis, you're looking good, though, dude. You look look jacked are you like my fucking shoulders doggy yeah you're gonna lie because i'm eating at home i'm not going out when you go out and about and you just fucking make worse choices because even when you get shitty at home it's better than eating shitty out true i ordered out today and they sent me somebody else's food included in

my order it was like the best thing that's ever happened to me in a long time. Oh, it was extra. Oh, I was going to say that's the worst thing ever. No, they sent me my meal and then somebody else just happened to order dessert. I got that too. I got somebody's dessert. Man, what was the dessert? You had a sweet treat.

It was a banana whip. Yeah, it was a banana whip. It was like an Irish potato banana whip. It was so good. So, so good. That's probably the happiest I've been in a long time, just eating somebody else's dessert and just being like, man, they're probably so fucking mad right now.

Somebody's like furious. There's somebody like me, like he's calling, threatening the life of the delivery driver. Oh, my God. I will find him, send him back, motherfucker. That's a problem. I can't control my anger when I call up to complain about something like that, so they never send them back. You can't just say,

I should call them up friendly, like, yeah, they forgot my whip, banana whip. But I call back, yeah, motherfucker, yeah, forget my whip. That's right, bitch, send it back now. And then it never comes. Of course not. Why do you go so hard on these people? Yeah, it's

bothered me ever since I've met you. I love almost everything about you. You act like that defines me. That's one part of me. That's a pretty major thing. When you make a delicious cake, not every ingredient is delicious. If you just took a suit and a suit.

No, that's not true. Every single time. It's just a turd in the middle every ingredient if you took a swig of vanilla extract right now you'd be like wow that's a bit extreme that's not oh you mean the ingredients before the cake yes before yeah you're a bag of flour dude yeah here's an egg what are you fucking rocky balboa dickhead okay yeah no yeah, no. Yeah, exactly. You're eating a spoonful of flour like an asshole? I don't think so. That's true.

Sometimes you got to throw in a bad-tasting ingredient. Some of my personality traits are bags of flour. That's true. Sometimes. Oh. Shut up, dude. What'd you think about that? Shane, you look handsome, dude.

What are you talking about? This was a mistake. Oh, my my fucking god what the hell is that it was a mistake lewis i think you look are you checking your phone dude no uh i'm not good at references so i was looking up a reference to make oh uh mimsy from south park is the number one no i was gonna all right i'll just tell you what it is because now you've called me out on it um if you're googling references on a podcast you google references it's like 90 audio listeners they could have just let me fucking hack it sound like i'm awesome dude So you have like a tertiary cortex.

You use the internet as your brain. I have two writers sitting here sending me things to say. Tell them about the cake. Whoever that was fire them. Was it Harrington? Bad taste ingredient cake analogy. You know, like how they have vanilla extract. Doesn't taste delicious. bad taste ingredient cake analogy you know like how they have vanilla extract doesn't taste delicious

was that james your fucking child you're like nice one james it's a pretty good idea fine if i use it the apple didn't fall far whatever the rest is i don't know google things sometimes and then i act like then i then what i'll do is people if you listen to me podcast here's what i but the moment will pass but i've learned through years of podcasting trick them back into the conversation i'll bring it back i'm sorry that i'm fucking letting people know the way the sausage is made right now well you got caught tell me what the reference you were gonna google at what search i just love how you'll have one joke in your head for like seven minutes of a podcast and

try to bring it to it oh this makes me so happy okay people out there think it's all just fucking zigs and zags and zips and zaps no man there's some thought put into this research i have a joke now steer the conversation back to judge no i was gonna say nothing but strategy who's a female comedian that was saying with san hope before you oh uh olivia yes olivia whatever it was her last name again she's very funny olivia grace yeah yeah i'm just fucking high as shit olivia grace very funny comedian but i was gonna say what does stanhope make everyone get that haircut yeah she does she she got a fucking totally shaved head i had long hair on the sides and we were shit face and i was like me and Stan Hope. Stan Hope he cut your hair?

Well Stan Hope is bullying Shane dude. No he's not. MK Ultra Shane he gave him antipsychotics dude. That was true he did drug me. Shane got MK Ultra

he was like yo he was like he was like yo it's a sleeping pill. I took it. It was like, it was an anti-psychotic dude. And I think it was 150 milligrams. It was so much. He like changed me as a person.

He just makes you dance. It's like, take your shirt off. Dude, he's there for like, you ever see a guy walking down the street and be like, I don't want no motherfuckers. He's like, there for that guy. To get him in and make him sleep for 72 hours. That's good, though.

I silenced that voice for a minute. I had that for like 24 hours. I was like, maybe I'm not gay. Dude, it was waking up with this haircut. I've spent the last 36 hours or however long I've had this like maybe i'm not gay dude it was waking up dude waking up with this haircut i was i've spent the last 36 hours or however long i've had this uh just every day i wake up just like oh i'm silly is that it i'm a goofy guy now with a cool like a goofy haircut i do hair yeah i i uh you gotta get a pair of like silly socks like suspenders yeah

like socks with like pizza slices on them oh fuck you actually dude yeah your hair is fucking it's terrible I know I know it does suck and I'm just I gotta do something but then what happened

we shaved like around the ear this part can we see the back of it? no I can't the front's the show part the front don't look bad the front dude the front's bad dude

why is it like flopped there why is it like there's flopped there in that side? Like, why is it, like... Look, it's... There's no... I was wearing that fucking hat. I think it looks kind of cool right now. I'm not going to lie. Yeah.

Thanks, Matt. That's because you're a good friend of us. Matt has the greatest hair ever. I'm still laughing at how an off-label use of Seroquel, you're saying, is, like, makes you not feel gay. That's a sick pharmaceutical commercial, dude. I used to feel gay as hell, dude. I used to be so fucking gay. I beat the shit out of myself for every single thing I did. Try S pharmaceutical commercial, dude. I used to feel gay as hell, dude. I used to be so fucking gay.

I beat the shit out of myself for every single thing I did. Try Seroquel, dude. You're not that fucking gay, bro. You don't have to wear the same three shirts every day. You can try a new shirt, dude. Yeah, is that what the Seroquel did? New fashion. Yeah, I got a haircut.

If I could have bought cool clothes i would have really yeah it would have been cool so you had a 72 hour period where you were just like i just had a no it was 20 it was 24 hours it was i took it at night dude we were like drinking like white russians i took one on top of that so i like milk and milk vodka and saraquil in me i was just like and you almost woke up in jack threads dude yeah i almost got sick gear oh man that's so funny dude if you woke up pretty uh london real pinstripe soup on yeah this is uh this was a disaster and i don't know i don't know what to do like uh

you can't tell him no yeah you can i can't he he didn't demand the haircut i jane let me shave your eyebrows no dude this isn't this isn't your fucking gay ass legion of skanks world where it's like oh let's piss on each other let's tongue kiss i'll suck your dick in front of a crowd dude no we don't fucking get down like that it wasn't the bane of my existence the fact i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry stanhope actually is one of the people that saw it and retweeted it and was like, what the fuck is this? Like disappointed in me and Bobby Kelly. And I guess afterwards somebody told him it was fake.

Well, I will say this. So don't let him judge you. The other night at the bar, him and his manager, Chaley, they were just talking. I was having another conversation at the other end of the bar. They were just talking. Mid-conversation, they stopped and kissed. Just a peck on the lips and

then went back to talking i get that i caught it out of the corner of my eye and i was like yo you guys just fucking kissed dude what are you homophobic no it was real it was real there i guess that's that's something they you know do is kiss each other sign of friendship if i if i leave here kissing people you fucking one of you kick my ass he might birdman you dude i know that's the squad he has are you gonna turn away if santa goes to kiss you just like a friendly a little word on the lips you turn away yes you have to punch and leave dude dude this is why

this is why you have to break my mom's gotta break my mom's CRV out of the compound, dude. You've got to ride through that gate. Jurassic Park, dude. Just wiping your lips. What was the rationale for this? Just a peck? Yeah, I guess. I mean, I'm not shitting on them.

It just caught me off guard. That's something they do, I guess. I don't know. Occasionally, if things are going well, they fucking... It's like a sick convo. They'll stop and peck each other. Yeah, they did that. they do i guess i don't know occasionally if things are going well they fucking they'll just admit it's like a sick convo they'll stop and hit like peck each other yeah they did that and then just went straight back to talking it's i actually it's pretty fucking funny it's pretty funny trolling you yes these what uh i don't know though they've been pretty defensive about it

ever since like i brought it up and they were like please don't talk, though. They've been pretty defensive about it ever since. Like, I brought it up, and they were like... Please don't talk about it on our podcast. No, they're like, why are you so fucking... Why are you so homophobic or, like... Then it's just really funny. If he's being funny, that's hilarious. I don't know. We'll find out. He's just being funny.

I don't know, man. That's a valid... He held on to it. Dude, that's for you. It's not homophobic. This is a valid concern. If you're going to stay on a compound in the middle of nowhere, and then dudes start kissing each other, that's for you. It's not homophobic. This is a valid concern. If you're going to stay on a compound in the middle of nowhere and then dudes start kissing each other, that's something you should know.

Like, wait a second. Do dudes kiss here? Like, I wish I knew that before I came here. Yeah. They could be kissing you goodnight, dude. You spent, like, a long time out on that. So they kissed, gave you basically a date rape drug. You don't know what happened, dude.

Are you trying to accuse – dude, are you trying to say I got raped, bro? No. They might have just gave you a good to accuse dude are you trying to say i got raped bro no they might have just gave you a good night i think they might have kissed you good night though there's an outside chance that stanhope raped you though look look look i expected this it's all good i understand a lot of people are jealous of the sick-ass moves I'm making. And the only way you can deal with it is by, you know, accusing me of being some sort of victim. If you go to...

I'm out here doing cool things, and you're trying to accuse me of being a victim. It's disgusting. I'm not being a victim. I think you got MKUltra, dude. It happens every... It's too late a passage. Dude, 50-50 shot you were raped in Stanhope's Winnebago. So, who cares dude you shaped your head

fucking raped you in the Winnie I just love how your biggest concern out of all this is like what do I think I'm silly right now what am I I was furious when I woke up with this hair I mean I wasn't like blacked out when it happened but I didn't see a mirror until the morning and I was like dude

what the fuck can we please see the back please yes let's see i'm thinking uh full head shave is to move what let's see oh boy i can't see i gotta hold on you gotta make noise because hold on let me go to the uh the other gallery view go back go back hold on oh it's so sick dude again do it again it's pretty tight it's like a back. Hold on. Oh, it's so sick, dude. Again, do it again. It's pretty tight. It's like a, it's like an MLB. It's like a Dominican guy from the MLB.

A little extra fluff. A little extra fluff. Yeah. The fluff is, I mean, the whole thing is, I don't know. What is it? Because I couldn't see it. I had my screen. He's got 48 laws of power.

You do. Don't do it. Oh, it was. He tried to ask people to do things he's 48 that's asserting dominance yeah he's doing right now to you wow to be honest with you i am constantly playing that game he's not wrong no i know i remember i remember you but you've been reading the same book for two years now i read it over and over again. The first law of power should be, can you finish one book? That's how you assert dominance.

You're able as an adult male to read one book. Dude, reading is a very unpowerful act. When you read, you're sending a message that you need more knowledge. True. That's pretty good, dude. That's true. So you read. he's ripping a bong dude damn powerful as fuck right now man are you 40 yet how old are you shane i'm 32 how old are you you only 32 you old fucking bitch

you know what it is your head is grown like you know how like old men have like larger skulls my skull is your small fucking overgrown dude lewis answer the question are you 40 or not large face bones are you 40 or not bro huge face bones are you 40 wish me happy birthday cocksucker i wish you were 40 anytime someone rips a bong that's what you should ask them are you 40 yet dude were you 40 aren't you 40 yet dude bongs suck weed sucks when was your birthday april 1st oh i would have wished you a happy birthday i'm sorry see it just it just passed guys two weeks ago see how old you turned 38 nice 38 years old it is old as it is old as shit though

yeah yeah that's a comedy 60 years old it's pretty yeah i mean thinking about my sister's 40 i mean i think my mom died when she was like 42 or 43. How long was she doing heroin? She was like a kid. Oh, well, then that's a hell of a run for a heroin. Well, no, she stopped for years. She stopped for years.

Oh, she took a break. Well, not really. Okay, so she was doing methadone and... Swag. Swagged out. And methadone fucks you up, dude. Yeah, it fucks your bones up. Seriously?

Yeah. Does it fuck your bones up? Yeah, it fucks your bones up. I was going to say my mom had shit bones. Yep. Methadone fucks your bones up seriously why how do you know that was she breaking things a lot um yeah she was like uh falling off her phone mr glass

mr just like i broke my arm she would punch me in the face and she would shatter her hand on my face damn that's because you're jacked though. True. Best sure most people would. True. If somebody punched Shane in his face, I mean, their whole arm would shatter. Your bones are so thick in your face, Shane. What do you think? No, it's just a fat face. The bones are far.

You think my head is just a bone? A bone head? You call me a bone head? That's where the term came from. This is exactly how it happens. Some dude was like, no, your face isn't fat, it's a bone.

You're a bonehead. I love how there's a direct line into Lewis's consciousness like, Shane's head looks strong. His head looks very strong. It's hard to punch. It's true. He's His head looks very strong. It's hard to punch. It's true. He's dumb. Books are dumb.

No, books aren't dumb. They're unpowerful, dude. Unpowerful. Oh, fuck, man. So, yeah, she made it till about 4. So she hit the methadone for a while. Probably partied on a little bit of Xanax. No, she was just doing methadone at night, dude.

It was these little orange bottles and she would fucking slip them down and then go into her bedroom and she'd fall asleep with cigarettes and burn her bed. And yeah. So I can't give her credit. It's like when people say they're sober but they still smoke weed.

Do you ever remember her not like that? No, there was never a time where my mom was not on heroin or methadone since I've been alive. Really? Well, now. That's actually a great point. Because she's dead. She's fucking dead as shit.

But when you were a kid, you probably loved her. You didn't know. when you were a kid you probably loved her you didn't know when you were young do you like her um now you just took a hit of the bong let's talk about your mother uh did i like my mom just when you're when you're a little kid you have to but i're a little kid, you have to. When I was a little, little kid, I did. But I realized very quickly that my mom sucked. Ah, damn. That sucks. See, most guys, you got to wait until you're in your 30s to be like, damn, dude, I think my mom's a retard. No, no, no.

I can tell my mom sucks very quickly. You noticed it right away? My mom was on welfare, food stamps. But I've always been a conservative white guy like as a kid i remember just like really looking down my nose at my mom being like get a job that's so sick dude you are a you're a puerto rican conservative dude that's the second coolest thing dude i judged the fuck out of my mom for not working but i was like what are you doing just lying in bed taking government money you know somebody's gotta pay somebody's gotta pay for that dude if you if you would have had my mom

you would have been like the president if i would have had your mom i would have been in that bed dude every day me and her would have just been slugs dude just fucking 69 no i wasn't gonna fuck her i was just just call myself lazy. I would have hopped in there. I'd be like, this is what we do? All right. It's a good family. Yeah, no, no, no. Taking naps?

My mom had no – she was very okay with lying down and not working. Yeah, just taking siestas. No, so a lot of siestas. A lot of siestas. Yeah, my mom was white. You know I'm half white, right? Wait, your mom's white? You don't know that I'm half white, Shane? I mean, I knew you mom was white. You know I'm half white, right? Wait, your mom's white? You don't know that I'm half white, Shane?

I mean, I knew you were half white. I guess I always... You assume my father married a weird Puerto Rican lady? No, I guess your dad got stabbed. Isn't that weird when you see that? You see a white guy with a fucking Puerto Rican lady. You're like, what are you, your fucking maid? Relax.

Your dad died in a knife fight. He's definitely Puerto Rican. He was a fucking briefcase? No. Damn, you're biracial. That's fucking sick. Wait, aren't you tri-racial? I thought you said you're black, too.

Aren't you black, too? I'm Afro-Puerto Rican. No, he's not. Oh, so you're just white and Puerto Rican. So you're Italian. But I'm black Puerto Rican. But I'm black Puerto Rican. If you look up in Puerto Rico,

on the island of on hold on matt did you have that joke and you were just sucking him in or did it no that's just i mean anytime anytime you hear any weird mix it's just oh that's italian and it's just instant smash but white and puerto rican it's definitely smash you like black and polish oh what do you you mean italian then yeah on uh puerto rico there's there's like european um uh you know settlers and then there's african settlers well they weren't really settlers yeah um and my my family came from the african. That's why I have this big fucking flat nose. Look at that shit. Jesus, dude. I can do that too, bro. Wait, what type of white were you?

Italian-Irish. You're Italian? Yeah, dude. Ew. You're probably Italian. First of all, what are you? You're Irish, dude. You're Irish.

Irish is the literal absolute no absolute no it goes italians are worse yeah for times are the worst polacks are second worst yeah flavorless gum probably french probably french third yeah and then irish actually irish are better than british dude british we're the most spiritual yeah we're the most spiritual we're quick we're good with words dude it's it's unbelievable yeah it's great that's why we're not googling exactly hey man i'm sorry if you googled you'd be thinking about how much better you'd be you're not using all the tools that are afforded to you at any given moment first of all in the future we're gonna google in a fucking microchip in our eyeball and you're gonna be able to go and then fucking google whatever you want so i'm just ahead of the curve dickhead if you're like this able to go and then fucking google whatever you want so i'm just

ahead of the curve dickhead if you don't like this what do you think the first thing would be to pop in your head it'd be your history but oh shit fucking oh shit oh sorry erase history oh shit dude i gotta go into incognito oh Oh, man. It's going to be hot, dude. We can just jerk off. That's the future. Just walking around staring at porn, looking at people. Just on a train. Jersey B. Witch when she's like,

just watch porn. Yeah, that's going to be life. So you're not going to do that? You're not going to... What? No, I'm not going to be able to google you're not going to use your eyeball google i'm not going to google my eye references by the way i don't think hilarious everyone's going to have top-notch references in the future dude what you got to know where to look lewis true people are going to be able to hack your

brain dude so you'll you'll be clicking around on a podcast bill gates is going to be popping in on that brain of yours but what's gomez what's gomez up to dude bill gates doesn't give a shit about my brain hey he might dude you never know okay yeah he needs powerful brains like yours dude he knows you've read the 48 laws 10 times you didn't read it once you read the same book 10 different times you didn't finish it once no i did finish it three times i finished it once and i already do that what was it like the third time you finished 48 laws of power what'd you think powerful

he had over 160 laws of power at that point first of all you're an idiot it's 154 laws of power at that point dude it's tough first of all you're an idiot it's 154 laws of power how many times did you read it 144 laws of power wait how many hold on three all right there you go yeah there you go all right hey this is a big win for you i got one math problem wrong it's very powerful of you to admit that. True. Is that one of the rules? You're like, it's good to admit when you're wrong? No, that's the opposite. That sounds like...

Never admit you're wrong. Blame that on somebody else. Don't fuck. Blame that. Who wrote this? You got to know the author, dude. You've read it. You're lying about Reagan.

I just assumed it was Joe Rogan. It wasn't Rogan? Rogan didn't write this? It was Rogies? No, it was... I read it in his voicean. It wasn't Rogan? Rogan didn't write this? No, it was that guy. It's like Robert. Google it. Robert Frost. 48 Laws of Power.

Man. Robert Green. Dude, Lewis, I love you, dude. You make me laugh so much. What? You make me laugh. Like laugh with me or at me? No, I like laughing with you. You're me laugh. Like laugh with me or at me? No, I like laughing with you.

You're very funny. There he is, dude. Yes. Dude. Let me see. Holy fuck, man. I always imagine that he's like a power lifter. He's like 350 pounds.

How much do you want him to be your dad? KD is a dork. This is a dork. No! Why would you show me? I could have told you this. I could have. He had ultimate warrior paint on his face.

Oh my god, man. Robert Greeny. See how much money this guy made off you? 1 to five mil. Okay, not that powerful, apparently. His book is not working. Powerful people hide their money in offshore accounts, obviously.

No, I'm pretty sure this guy – This is on the record shit, dude. No, it's weird. Sorry, go ahead. Let's go to more picks. All these books. Oh, my God. Lewis, there's your king, dude.

Oh, fuck me, dude. Why would you show me? I picture they look like Kai Greene. Is that his cat? Do you know who Kai Greene is? No. Look up Kai Greene. This is what I imagine.

Not where I'm from. I swear to God. For the audio listeners, this looks like the type of person that condemns our comedy. True. He literally looks exactly like everybody that does this. He moonlights between writing books about powerful videos, comedy, true. he literally looks exactly like everybody that does this. he moonlights between writing books about powerful he does comedy journalism. oh yeah I saw he went at Dave that was fun. then I got Dave's back because I get my

friends back as always which is a fucking powerful. I saw the was it the meme you made? yeah. it was so fucking stupid. I'm a child. but it was great it was actually so fucking stupid i'm a child it was so stupid but it was great it was it was funny yeah i'm awesome what'd you make because they're all he all right so there's a meme going around with this like bird eating a giant fish it's like too big for its throat and it's always i don't know i can't give you an example but lewis just wrote penis the first he wrote he wrote uh he put it up and he wrote Legion of Skanks fans as the fish and then

he put COVID denialism over the fish. And then Legion of Skanks fans as the bird. So then I retweeted it and I just put his name. I put Seth Simons over the bird and then I put penis over the fish. What's funny is

they're all like very for comedy journalists like they think they're the funniest people somehow. Like he's like they don't even understand comedy. It's a picture of penis and his name. It's like how do you not see that one? That one's a pretty easy one. That is weird. That's such a bizarre i'm gonna start becoming like a surgeon journalist and be like who that guy temple yeah he's fucking trash dude yeah that guy who yeah you fail out of what you're in fucking heart chimed in and i don't want to trash her

yeah don't name anybody i won't i't, but some other chick chimed in and she's like because I made another comment about fucking Shane's mom or something. I said, no, Shane's mom. What's his name? I would never joke about that. We make love.

No, Seth. Seth's right about you, dude. You suck. I agree with Seth with that dude i might join forces with seth dude i hope you do take you down you should do you should say you have dirt on all of them and then have them join forces and compromise them shane could take us all down we could all take each other down yeah so this chick chimes in and she's like do you even know what a clit is i click on her picture and this bitch has a like facial hair like thick facial hair all over her face like she's a fucking werewolf and i'm like bitch how dare you how fucking dare you like that's where you're gonna go you're gonna go with it i can't fuck that's where you're gonna fucking

go and wait do you think her profile picture was a real picture of her it was 100 a real picture of her no it wasn't you know it didn't it wasn't actually a werewolf so she was like gender non-conforming she was like no no she was just a hairy bitch a hairy ugly woman that's a gender that is a gender she's at the dmv i don't see hairy bitch on here anyway i'm supposed to sit here and just take it from some hairy bitch. I guess I'm ugly. Lewis, I'm on to something. Technically, if

genders are infinite, hairy bitch is a gender. You know? Technically, all bitches are hairy, except for this weird little chihuahua. What were you guys arguing about in the first place? and seth i don't even remember dude no you and the lady you and the lady chimed in lady chimed in on seth's side oh she was like you don't know what a clit is you don't even know you can't even know what a clit is

he probably condemned that that's not and then i and then i said i was like hey dude i got no qualms with you well that's that's like i found a bunch of other people just didn't even know that she wasn't a dude and then i sort of died oh yeah that's their that's their thing to be like i'm gonna steal your girlfriend all like those weird chicks with like suspenders and like a mustache you're like oh yeah i'm gonna come get your girl and you're like no you're not yeah and all those girls like a lot of them were like hot like three years ago yeah i don't know

they were all like had hair oh did you see that oh yeah thing going it was like a popular meme on probably instagram and twitter for a little while with a lot of um like the non-gender specific chicks and they would show their old picture when they were like in high school or college where they look like a hot chick like they're like a beautiful young girl yeah now now yeah and now they're like they show what they look like now and you're like what are you showing right now like what are you like they used to be like a beautiful young girl and then they turn into this fucking oh shit hold on lewis let me stop you mullen uh mullen just got back to me let's drop lewis here

and add mullen all right go ahead sorry i'm just kidding i don't advise it yeah it's a hurtful thing why would you hurt your guests why would you want me to not perform on a high level i'm just kidding man between me and shame when i try to i try to build shane up what the fuck are you talking about regularly i build you up oh my god i build you up besides your fucking shitty hair dude and stand up bullying you that's hilarious so my fault you're of my fucking men bully you you gotta live in this fucking Winnebago

I'm not even you know what I'm not even gonna acknowledge it it's a funny thing to uh you know sleep outside tonight it was he's trying that was uh yeah never mind what are you trying to say he's trying to say stand up going to make me sleep outside.

I'm not the dog. I'm going to sneak outside tonight. Oh, you think we're going to get out in the middle of the night and get a little late night? I don't know. Let's kiss at night. Damn, dude. Not to 180 the whole conversation. I had to go. Let's kiss at night. Damn, dude. Oh, dude.

Not to 180 the whole conversation. I had to go. So Brittany had to go to the doctor recently for like a checkup. So she went in. No one else can go in with her. And the doctor, some lady, all the ladies do like baby doctor stuff usually or all the doctors usually are ladies. And they were asking about like how we're going to have sex. So like what birth control we're going to use. i got to facetime into this lady and i like

earnestly asked her i'm like oh what about using like a uh a prosthetic and she was like it's time to look at me it's like what the fuck i'm sorry prosthetic for what like instead so she was saying like what kind of what form of birth control are you going to use? And I kept being like, probably abscessed. And I was like, what about a prosthetic? Like using a strap-on. So you're not trying to fuck? No, I am. But they're saying after a woman has a baby, they're highly fertile.

So they give you a talk before you leave. They're like, you better, you know, you shouldn't get pregnant right again afterwards. It's kind of risky for the lady. Oh, right. Okay, so that's what you're worried about i'm not worried about we don't think we ever had that no he was making a good joke that i wasn't paying attention to and i missed it i'm sorry it was fun oh it's fun it was i do it's funny to it's funny to ask a medical doctor about the strap-on i get a prosthetic she was asking how we're going to like like practice birth practice birth control.

And I was like, what's the literature on prosthetics? And she was just like, the lady's face was like, wait, what? And I started laughing. She was like, ah. They say six weeks is the amount of time before you start having sex. Did they say that? Or did you just Google that? I saw you looking down.

There's no way you Googled that. Well, I have a child. And I remember it was six weeks they say six weeks you gotta wait and then but they said in order to have another kid you shouldn't have another kid before two years is up so you can get but i'm irish true i think you can get pregnant uh but they said like it's riskier closer you are between like the two kids it's risky yeah um i uh i remember the first time we fucked after she had the kid pretty nice

yeah i mean it was you know vagina it's rarely not true but the first time it definitely had not gained back the elasticity the same way they were like oh canes but you're like not the first time the first time it was like oh shit like this thing feels like i've been fucking through some shit so when you talk to like a war vet so you you you were single-handedly assessing hold on hold on let him let him uh let him flesh that out okay go ahead so uh your your son's mother's pussy was like a war vet it was a war vet yeah what what do you mean it was uh it was angry and was addicted to drugs did you try any kind of get out of my neighborhood when you hop back in you notice i don't believe that you were in a war when you notice a shift in the terrain did you try any different moves to like

am i the only one that doesn't believe that they were in a war i'm like yeah you're a drug addict yeah you can buy that hat on google motherfucker yeah you see a lot of like 50 year old vietnam vets these days yeah dude i'm like dude wait okay buddy where'd you get that fucking jacket yeah yeah i hear you on that a lot of stolen valor but good for them dude i'd be stealing valor the first time i went back in though yeah it was definitely looser for sure what'd you do did you do any kind of what i'm asking you is you like

you do any different moves than you do otherwise usually if you're in there side to side that's what i'm saying you ring the dinner bell yeah that triangle bro i threw a flare in there first damn dude yeah whoa lewis chill is that too far yeah um yeah so how what do you think matt how was your wife he's with his wife so he can't really have it yeah he's not he knows you tighter than ever i love it yeah it was great honestly i mean i've had sex with women who are like 40 you know in their upper 40s who've had multiple kids and that having kids

isn't the issue because it gets tighter it gets better it goes back it goes back like a lizard's tail it'll come back it'll never go back to its original status you know it's like then we got to decide like do you want the pussy it's always you how high 10 to 20%. How high did you get? Hear me out. I think the pussy, in its best case scenario, will get back to 80 to 90% of its elasticity, right? I don't know. What?

That's what I feel. Now, what would you rather? A woman who has a stomach scar or a woman who has, who's lost 20% of her elasticity in her pussy neither bother me dude yeah i didn't care i don't care at all neither bother me dude i'm just i'm like real hetero so it's like if i'm you know if i'm just around a girl i get hard so i don't know if i had to pick if i had to pick a stomach scar you'd rather because that's a complete non-issue yeah elasticity no no i don't give a fuck yeah we're not prima donnas over here at uh Because that's a complete non-issue. Yeah. Elasticity.

No, I don't give a fuck. Yeah, we're not pre-Madonna's over here at Shad Digital, dude. We're not really pre-Madonna's. Yeah, bro. You know, we're still hungry. We're still in this game, dude. We're still, you know. We're not friends over here.

I've seen some fucking. He's just talking to a wall at this point. No, I've seen some scars. He's just doing a deposition The origin is going right through his head No dude You've never been with a girl With a fucking C-section scar then

Yeah huh We went One time at my cousin's bachelor party They're like strippers came to the house And the one lady had like Visibly just had a child so they were calling her brain belly because her stomach oh no oh my god did you fuck her oh no no but i remember just being

entertained i remember she's good she's a pretty good one yeah they were lewis there were a couple brain bellies hopping around Amico's bachelor party. Oh, yeah, dude. I was on like Molly just looking at these people. A couple of cranks, dude. That was a really fun night, though. Yeah, dude. It actually did look like two Ninja Turtles, Krang, and fucking

one Splinter. That's how I described the four strippers that were there. Hey, Siri, give me some Ninja Turtle characters on a podcast. Dude, that would be a sick business to do. To have strippers, but try to find the most beat up

and rugged strippers and be like an escort company that you could send a low-key freak show to a bunch of dudes you better not shame these beautiful women dude i've only set up two bachelor parties ever in my entire life and both times it was with exactly that company just a freak show the oddities dude you remember the oddities just that squad rolling through your party that was that girl's six three dude it's just china like i thought she was dead dude china every it was like every shape yeah exactly it'd be like a 350 pound woman like a muscle chick.

It's like Sid's toys from Toy Story. Oh, fuck. One of them's clearly retarded. One of them. You'd put your money back. There's only two of them retarded. Also set up. Dude, there was a mom and daughter.

That's so fun. A mom and daughter oh it's so fun a mom and daughter it was fucking crazy dude you just go i think funny you have him come to your bachelor party just play rough touch football with him well after we did zach's bachelor party we're like why don't we just hire these girls for like ufc night like they were it was pretty cheap and like just kind of like fun yeah these gross drug addicts some of them were okay but yeah there was some and then you get trapped with a nasty one they trap you and you'd just be stuck yeah there's always one stripper go ahead guys no use police it's always the rule there has to be some sort of like universal law for every like 10 strippers at a strip club there's one old road dog that comes in like everyone's just like here arms length not like a dollar like ah stop don't breathe dude last strip club i was at that

happened to me there was a there was one that was the ugliest it was crazy that she was there it was crazy no one gave her a dollar while she was dancing so i walked up and gave her money and she immediately was like i'm gonna come get you when i get off stage and i was like no you don't have to do that i went and bought another dance so that when she got off i wasn't there dude i handed a dollar and she latched on to me. It was insane. I remember when I was like 10 years old, I went to like a really shitty like comic book convention. It was like a low budget shit board, a really, really shit one. And they had like Uncle Ben from Star Wars.

It was like the big fucking get. Like he was like a big one. But they also had the guy that was in Darth Vader's costume. I'm almost positive it was him. Or maybe it was Uncle Ben that nobody gave a fuck about. Maybe it was Uncle Ben. Yeah, it was Uncle Ben. He was sitting there with a fucking breathing device,

and nobody was on his line. Nobody gave a fuck. Nobody fucking cared at all. The big attraction was Darth Vader, the guy who was in the costume. James Earl? No, no, no. James Earl did his voice. So it was some old white guy that just wore the costume. The dude who actually like was his stunt double?

And I felt so bad and I went on his line I paid five dollars for a picture with Uncle Ben. That's really sweet man that's a sweet story. But that's how I was you in the strip club that night. Yeah for sure that was I don't know ugly old strippers, because that's a problem, dude. It's like a dog on the beach. You don't feed a dog on the beach. What are you doing?

Oh, fuck. You are such a shitty guy. That's a good analogy. A dog on the beach. I'm still laughing at, like, that night at that bachelor party, there was these two Greek guys Who were like their handlers And I can imagine them

With their brain bellies Like get in the fucking car Dude let's go We need to We're going to another party Their fat Greek uncle was like I need you to take the brain bellies Over to the planet Pokemon

That's so fucked up man They were like dogs dude That's terrible It was pretty horrendous dude It, dude. It was terrible. It was pretty horrendous, dude. It was tough, man. It was like brain belly. Then there was a couple of them who were just like clearly fucked up.

You go to Philadelphia. If you want to see some fucking, what'd you call him? What's the guy's name from Star Wars? Uncle Ben. Uncle Ben. A couple of Uncle Ben's, dude. They do a live dildo show at midnight on Saturdays. And they're clearly drug addicted women. Like, track marks, everything.

So if you want to see that. It's pretty good, though. They're like Cirque du Soleil sluts. Pretty much, yeah. Mid-air, dildoing each other. Like, one of them will have a dildo in the mouth. They'll be in the air fucking. They are talented sluts.

Yeah, to be able to do that on seven bags of heroin is kind of impressive it might as well be like 50 feet in the air dude like I'm going just to go in the fucking the back get a lap dance maybe maybe or two then get the fuck out of there yeah but I've seen yeah I'm also I don't know if you can imagine this Matt but

Lewis is handsy he's definitely he's definitely a – He's a butt pincher. Yeah, he is. You're aggressive. It's like saying somebody at a carnival, like, oh, he rides the rides. No, no, no. It's like saying a guy at a strip club is groping strippers.

That's what it is. Yeah, dude. You ask him. Well, that's not his fault. That's the half-point. Dude, groping – if you were to use the carnival thing, that's the equivalent of standing on the Gravitron. That's what you do.

Everyone else is like, why is he doing that? You're like, that's just awesome. Watch this. Yeah, everybody wishes they were this cool. It's like, no, dude, it's fucking weird. He goes standing on the Gravitron. He goes upside down.'s fucking weird it goes upside down yeah they do do it upside down anybody doesn't understand what that is you have no idea do me a favor bring it up dude google standing on the gravitar it's some of the funniest

pictures it's so fucking funny. The perfect analogy for getting a trip. What are you doing? You're not supposed to do that. It's dangerous and inappropriate. A part of me respects it. Cool, you're a douche

for doing it. It's like being good at Dance Dance Revolution. It's like, alright, you win this round, bro. What have you sacrificed you win this round bro i'm gonna go back to my life but i'll give you this one dude i got you something nice right now it hit me with a standing fucking gravity so fucking funny dude fucking oh my god turn it down turn the fucking audio down

it's not me it's the video on the video it's down three quarters of the way alright my bad that's the Mexican DJ on the video. You can click on the videos on you. I did, I did. It's down three quarters of the way. My bad. That's the Mexican DJ on the Gravitron, dude. This is my favorite person ever. Those dudes fucking slap.

He's awesome. Fuck that picture, dude. Click this picture. Look at the fucking man. Look at the guy next to him it couldn't have been a better picture of a guy fuck dude who would have thought

the other grab a job was this funny it was so fucking funny oh the audio if you don't know on the ride the Gravajon just spins like really fast and essentially you stick to a wall with like a you know and there's keep going Lewis keep trying to explain this

fucking kids on earth try to stand up on the Gravajon. You see a lot of kids doing it like oh fuck it's so funny. Fuck man. I love it. That is you dude.

That is you. That's 100% me. Oh fuck. I don't get handsy with strippers. I pay them to let me touch your titties. I see you, Pat.

Oh, yeah, you do. Show and tell one time I saw a lady, I'm not lying, they used to open up their buttholes. They used to let you throw dollars at their butthole. Their buttholes, first of all, were like, they would open them and they would go like that and it would be like a ripple effect.

It was just – they had truck stop buttholes, dude. And they – the one time I threw a lady a dollar, it missed, and she went, oops, and like that, and put it in her butthole. And I was like, Jesus Christ. She felt bad that I missed, and everyone laughed, and she grabbed it and went in her butt. I was like, ah. Dude, Big Jay had the funniest

way to describe what a butthole looks like. It's maybe the funniest thing ever. It looks like... So do you spread it? No, it looks like it's in warp speed. Yeah, so you know when you spread it, it looks like it's in warp speed. It's so fucking funny. It is, dude.

Oh, man. What's your strip club protocol? you walk in you walk into the black light people don't you see the people that were like where do you see me mugs me here here's i'll tell you and then lewis correct me if i'm wrong yeah bro whatever yeah yeah shane yeah make me seem like i'm an asshole now good jane instead of no no hey just so you know 95 of the time lewis is pretty civil with the people that he meets all right so that's who i am i'm just guessing i'm just guessing what you're like you've seen me be a gropey asshole at the strip club i don't think you're being a gropey asshole i'm saying you definitely are the guy you walk in you eye up every fucking dude in there you set the tone dude

you let him know you're ready to fight you're there to either i'm not trying to fight nobody bro i got a child my father was literally strapped stabbed outside of a strip club and oh no it was a strip club yeah dude it's a nightmare dude i when i go to a strip club i'm like everyone be cool tap it in gomez just go in there just touch it touch a stripper you go to a strip club you're like i'm just gonna get this hand job and get the fuck out of here yeah dude get the fuck out your dad your dad's gonna show up like a Jedi, a ghost Jedi. He'll be like, son. It's wrong.

God damn, dude. That's fucking grisly. Yeah, that's rough, man. It does make you a lot more liable. If you had my life, a pretty decent life, you'd be a shitty guy. Yeah, probably, in spite of it all a shitty guy yeah probably you know but in spite of it all what what happened you know what like what was the story um he got into a fight with a kid it was a young kid actually like a 16 year old kid or a 15 year old kid my dad got punked by

a child but that was murdered by a child oh god. God damn, this story gets worse. I thought you guys were going to start laughing and making fun of a child punking my dad and killing him. I thought that was a bit of a show. I'm a set-up guy. A child stabbed your dad. The show's got a heart, bro. Where was he? Sierra Leone?

Come on, that was fair. It was fair to midlife. A blood diamond reference. It was a bad one. It was a bad one. How did that 15 year old get in the uh strip club was there ever an investigation was there ever an investigation into how that young man got inside there that i tried to actually get the kid on my podcast

um and uh he wouldn't do it walks it was like yeah nice not not big enough for a show it's 15 dude he definitely got out like three years. And he stabbed a Puerto Rican. You get fucking probation for that. Maybe 12 years later he got out. Maybe even 20 years later. He got the keys to the city for that. Yeah. They celebrated him. They were like, all right.

Yeah, juvenile offender. He probably did like 20 years. Yeah, I think it was like 20 years. It might have been 16. I think they tried him as an adult as well. But, yeah, my father got into a fight with him, and the kid came back with a kitchen knife and fucking stabbed him. Like a butter knife?

Yeah, my father's fucking weak as shit, dude. It'd be funny if you jumped into a Cutco plug. You're like, anyway, guys, try Cutco. Luis Gomez, 10%. into a cutco plug you're like anyway guys try cutco louis gomez 10 percent yeah he uh my father's yeah very weak abdomen my my father i guess stabbed in the gut with a kitchen knife it was a pizza cutter no i yet he came back no you're lying cut him into eight pieces i swear to god no he stabbed him in the stomach How many times did he stab him?

He had to stab him a lot right? No once dude Just one Damn That guy was like a ninja He was accurate as fuck dude Fuck If you gave me a knife

And told me to kill somebody I'd be like This is gonna take a while I'd pass out As soon as I like Cut the person I'd probably pass out I know

Wow Yeah So yeah he stabbed him one time My dad Yeah my dad fucking As soon as I like cut the person I'd probably pass out I know Wow Yeah So yeah he stabbed him one time My dad Yeah my dad fucking Yeah and then the kid went to jail For a while And then I

I was gonna get him on my podcast I was looking for him And then I found out Through my own investigating That he died He died He died Yeah

Where did he die from? Harry Carey that he died. He died? Yeah. What did he die from? Harry Caray. Killed himself the same way he killed my father. Just fucking fell on a sword. You know why they stabbed themselves in the stomach? Because the ancient samurai believe that your whole heart and everything, the force of your body resides in your stomach.

Yeah, they're wrong. Yeah, I mean, resides in your stomach. Yeah. They're wrong. Yeah. I mean, they miss that one, but well, it does work. How many people are cutting open? They would have been like, Oh,

that's not what it is. Well, it's not like your chi, like your life force. When you did Sapuku, releasing your chi back. Cause you're like, I don't deserve this.

And you just got your stomach open. I love Sapuku. Do we take shots? It's my shit. What's the, is that Buka? Hey, now where can they catch you lewis where can they catch you are we wrapping up on that we're gonna walk off on a bomb like that that was funny you make sense sapuku sambuku that kind of sounds like here we go god it wasn't mine

your bomb was way worse like a soldier bomb yeah that was a rough one at least i was in context but i did have standing on the gravitron so this is like seppuku damn it you're right it's garbage yeah i'll do a shot of that talking about we'd have to be in your brain to get that yeah it's like a eighth grader it really is like a yeah i'll have a shot of that it's like what it's like no booze i just started playing um uh rocket league oh oh sick i fucking don't you know i don't have any Xbox or PlayStation down here. Otherwise, I'd play with you. I'm sure one of my friends will DM you.

Butterly plays. You and him have been playing. Oh, yeah. I play with Butterly. Yeah, that's who I was making fun of there. Okay. Why do you fuck? I mean, he's good.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's good. He said that you're not that good. Oh, I suck. I'm okay. If you just start playing, I'd'd be all right i'd be able to beat you you think you want you think 1v1 you beat me i don't know dude i don't care at all you don't care about video games anymore no about who's better at rocket league right now told him stand up told me he doesn't like video games anymore

dude if you keep talking like this i'm gonna take big j away from you take him i don't like him anymore i'm gonna end your entire i'm gonna take big j and that there goes your entire empire there goes your cash cow the shit and gas digital crumbles dude there goes my cow all right what uh mccusk what's up bro chilling man i'm uh time is 7 24 7 27 uh dude i'm just right now what am i what i've been thinking on is the i'm just trying to connect the dots bro just trying to see what's going on i'm watching the uh stars at home do you see the stars at home thing no what's that when all the like all the stars god i'm trying to see where we're going dude i'm something's in the air i'm starting to put it like i'm trying to see where pop culture is trying to take us right

now like the whole virtue signal of like i was watching jimmy fallon in his house doing the thing and he's like he's just praising fucking like t-mobile for four minutes in his house. He's like, guys, another thing T-Mobile did that's really cool. They're donating $250,000 to Boys and Girls of America. So, yeah. It's like our corporation is fucking us into being pussies for them. Yes. Definitely.

The guys who own T-Mobile, they're acting like it's a bunch of, like, dudes in, like, T-shirts and jeans being like, it's time we turn it around, guys. Let's go to the boys. It's like, dude, they're like, oh, sweet, we can get some press out. Sweet, we can get some press. Yeah, exactly. They have Jimmy Fallon. I mean, how much would you pay for a commercial on Jimmy Fallon

to say that you have a great company, right? So they're just paying for that, and they get to write it off, and they get to fucking look like they're great. Fuck the Boys and Girls Club. Hell yeah. Yeah, dude, you didn't go to that bullshit. I're great fuck the boys and girls club hell yeah i don't know you didn't go to that bullshit i'll say fuck the boys and the girls all right i think we thought lewis is on jupiter right now he is not here anymore no more lewis dude it's 420 you better blaze it yeah but dude i was

watching so i started watching that uh and then I watched the stay at home. Dude, the stay at home thing is the most insane thing. I kind of want to show this to you. It might be the weirdest. I'll just do random. I'm just going to jump at random clips through this thing, dude. It is totally fucking bizarre. Let me see.

All right, dude. This thing is absolute insanity. This is the... This is the beginning. What the fuck is that? I think that's the lady who said you couldn't find the clit. I can find the clit.

That's her sending that tweet. Louis can't find... Dude, I've been just jumping through this thing. Random point. What is this? This is like some sort of thing they try to do to make us feel better. Or they had a bunch of entertainers entertain them.

They were going to put in a concert for us from home. So that's the big thing to virtue signal about how you're in your home right now. I don't know. It's a weird thing everybody's talking about. I'm getting so angry right now. And like, I don't know. It's a weird thing. Everybody's getting so angry right now. Like, I mean, let's just,

these guys, suddenly that DV back left fucking asshole. Yo no me doy por vencido. All right. Nevermind. He's a walk. He's a Mexican dude, bro.

These are lads. I'll never give up. You shouldn't, these guys be, uh, out. no he's Mexican dude bro. these are lads. I'll never give up. shouldn't these guys be out? Lewis you're close. you're piecing together jokes. should these guys be out doing something? Is this whole thing just foreigners with their gobbledygooks? By the way, I haven't seen a doctor work for one second yet.

I've only seen doctors putting on fucking face masks. That's all they do. Okay. What the fucking face? Take a fucking nap it's bedtime bud it's bedtime for bonzo what is this group what is this group hello dude this is what i listen to this group i listen to this group do your part stay home

wash your hands i mean i think i do fuck up your lighting you fucking whore there you go lois you're back online no no no it's not live lois chill okay it will be available to oh shut up yeah dude the performers are so fucking funny. And it's so long, too. If I just go like that, it'll do to someone totally different. Not always lovely. But long as they're... Jesus Christ.

Is this Jack Johnson? He's living salt life, dude. Whoever that is. He's salt life. That's Jack Johnson, bro. Well, all right. He gets a pass. It's salt life dude whoever that is salt that's jack johnson bro well all right he gets a pass it's salt life yeah yeah come on oh common i don't know why i hate it i don't why am i so bitter yeah i mean a free concert

yeah that's what that was dude live. Live from the alt comedy club. These two cocksuckers. I fucking hate Chrissy Teigen and John. Dude, Chrissy Teigen talks shit on me, dude. Fuck her. Did she really?

Chrissy Teigen, why is she getting so fat? You're a celebrity. True. That's a power move right now to get fat. By going to act out me and take it. Who's this bitch? Pause.

Hell yeah. Frontline workers. Yeah,. From my mortars. I like her. Just like dudes like this. Stay at home dressed like a total fucking retard. Dude, like, I don't know. I try not to be a hater, but like

also, is this the... I like this. I like this. Like that. That's going to be good. She's hot. Yeah, she has nine pianos, dude. That's Russian pop, dude. She's losing her fucking mind. She's not even a musician.

She's just fucking losing it. I can listen to this all day, dude. This is good, actually, so... Yeah, I can listen to her hit those keyboards all day. This is awesome. I think this is John Rennon. Am I the only one who hates people that are good at music? They just suck, dude.

You ever see somebody who can sing like shut the fuck up louis do they do you know what i'm talking john redden dude you can't even acknowledge john that's that's not what we do here, Matt That's junk, dude He actually was dressed like fucking Warren Zevon, dude He was dressed like late Lennon, dude That was John Lennon, dude

That was really Go back to See if you can find more Lennons Was that the only rennet in here? Whoa, what the fuck is this guy doing? Oh, God. Oh, yes. What the fuck?

This lady's bullying you on Twitter. Dude, why is her face so square? I don't know. Her tits suck so bad that she could just have her shirt open like that. Her tits are garbage. Yeah, fucking square head flat tits. She does have a Lego head. Oh, fucking Lego head, bitch.

What is that? That's bizarre, man. She looks like she's SpongeBob's girlfriend. Square head flat tits. Fuck, man. Spongebob's girlfriend. Who lives in an apartment by herself. Square head flattens.

This guy looks like Bruce Cruz. He's like a Bruce Cruz. He's an athlete. Oh my God. People watch this for eight hours. Oh, boy. So, stay safe.

There's every nurse. Carol Baskin. I am a documentary filmmaker, but I decided. I'm not a documentary filmmaker. I'm not a documentary filmmaker. I'm not a documentary filmmaker. I'm not a documentary filmmaker. I'm not a documentary filmmaker.

I'm not a documentary filmmaker. I'm not a documentary filmmaker. I'm not a documentary filmmaker. I'm not a documentary filmmaker. I'm not a documentary filmmaker. Dude, it is the possibly worst thing I've ever seen in my life. I hate it. I really hate it but i mean i feel bad because like you know we're doing that right now but less talent no i i'm pretty sure there

no no no dude you're a 38 year old dude that's high shit that saw a woman on the internet and said her tits suck that's funny dude and then here's what bothers me about it is people think that you're not in on the joke there. I don't know if you are, but – What? You know what I mean? Why that's funny for you to just look at a picture of a woman and be like, her fucking tits are garbage. She's got garbage tits.

Well, to be fair, I think that goes through everybody. To be fair, I think that goes through everybody's head who sees her at some point. I know. It's just great to hear somebody scream it out. Exactly. I was just looking at her. Everyone saw her fucking square head and flat tits and was like, that's a problem. To have the impulse to scream it out, it's so funny.

That's basically what comedy is. You're tapping into the collective unconscious and pointing something out everyone's like i agree everyone in the room would have been like i noticed she looks like she looks like all the doorways are shaped like her body in her house damn it i thought that would have like a key what the fuck? Are you fucking salivating? What the fuck are you talking about? Dude, he's so fucking hot. My face hurts. You fully lost me on that one. Stop, dude.

Yo, please tell me a story right now. Tell us a fucking story. Take us out of this, dude. Please tell us a story. About what us a fucking story take us out of this dude please tell us a story about what a real story or you want to make one anything anything anything happened tell us what's going on with you what's your earliest memory no no yeah what's going on right now what's your plans for after covid oh yeah there we go the fuck is that oh dude, dude, don't. Yes, he's doing magic. He's doing magic. No.

Oh, my God, dude. Oh, fuck. I mean. I wasn't watching, but that's pretty good. Oh, fuck. Reveal the trick, dude. Reveal the trick. Every magician reveals a trick.

No, every. oh fuck reveal the trick dude reveal the trick every magician reveals a trick no ever do a different one that can't be your like you're any more magic you know it's funny dude like remember that that uh magicians reveal their secrets yeah there was like the mass magician yeah that guy sucks he was a cock sucker that was bullshit like fuck he was like who is the equivalent of him in comedy just some cock sucker who would fucking just sell out

everybody that's like comedians who throw each other under the bus for jokes yeah that's that guy like that no that would be like if somebody if comedians all did the same hour and someone went out and did everyone's hour at once was like sorry guys and i was like what the fuck yeah or and he was like and this is this is how you do crowd work and just sat there and was like now i have a bunch of stories in my head already the crowd doesn't know that so let's say

i pick a teacher here i got about 10 minutes on teachers oh you're gonna think i was riffing that's so fucking funny true thanks why shane sort of gave away a secret right there no everybody knows that yeah it also is funny to run into people that are like how much of that was like on the spot like after you do like an hour it's like none of it like a minute yeah minutes and i mean not really even like kind of like i knew where i was going with it before I went into it. Yeah, I've done that riff before. Anyway, please. I'm sorry, Matt.

No, people will say. I'm sorry, pardon me. Go ahead. Excuse me. No, excuse me. Excuse me. Lewis, please do more magic. Yeah, dude.

Let me see something. I do have more magic tricks. Just do one more. Yeah. Do another magic trick. Let me see if I. Yeah, I usually I usually tell people I'm like, yeah, I just, you know, I usually just kind of go up there and wing it.

I keep the illusion alive. I'm like, yeah, I don't know. I could do another magic trick right now. Yeah, bust something out, dude. Yeah, please do it. I have to set up the camera. Give me a second. I'll set up the camera.

Oh, my God. That's already, this is already sleight of hand, dude. Camera man, I gotta get that at the table. You can't adjust the camera, dude. Magic has to happen in a moment. He didn't adjust the camera. He didn't move the camera at all.

I'm moving the stuff. Okay. Alright, nice. Here we go. So we're looking at your desk right now. What appears to be a piece of paper with chicken scratch on it. What the fuck? All right. Saw you drawing a key.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Pause that. Whoever's listening to this, pause whatever he had written down. And screenshot that and send it to me, please. I'm so excited to see these notes. I'm so excited to see these notes. I'm so excited. We can't. There's some stuff on here.

No, it's nothing. It's just notes. As I podcast, I also write notes for references. Where's the magic, dude? Dude, I've been doing it the whole fucking hour and a'm so i'm so excited to find out what he was he was right louis when did you learn magic i'm sorry at some point in your life you decided to learn magic tricks this is a recent isn't this recent

no no it was when i was like uh i all right so i worked so. were you trying to make your dad reappear? that's really fucking hilarious and mean and true. damn it. I don't know when I worked near when I was 11 years old. I've worked every day since I was 11. instead of sawing someone in half you just repeatedly stabbed them with a butterfly knife. Oh, yeah, your dad got sawed in half. Were you trying to find, like, the mirrors? No, fuck.

When you went to the morgue and they slid your dad out, were you like, all right, this is a good one. Where'd you put the mirrors? They just started pulling different colored handkerchiefs from the wound. Oh, fuck. It's just a bunch of Puerto Rican flags. The casket came out and then separated into two. Oh, fuck.

They sold them in half. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, my God. Dude. Can you see? My shit's frozen now. Oh, shit.

I unplugged my camera by accident. Oh, my God. Dude. Can you see? Why is my, my shit's frozen now? Yo. Oh shit. I unplugged my camera by accident. Oh my God. This is bullshit. I was trying to move that wire. That wire was all up in my way. Oh my God, dude. Sorry,

dude. Louis, you are the king. Louis, you are the king. Louis, you are genuinely the funniest fucking guy. I mean,

look, if we were, if we were watching a magic TV show, and I'm like, that seems shady. Oh, whoops. You're like, no, not spit my hand the entire time. What are you guys talking about?

I swear to God, this was an accident. Fuck. Hold on, I got this. Ready? Did it work? Shane, how long have you been staying out there for? I don't know. I kind of – it's been a while.

I've been here long, you know. I don't know if I'll stay. I don't know. I have no idea. I'll probably leave in the next week. Okay. Probably a week or ten days. I'll leave at the end of April.

Nice. I'll be back on the East Coast May 1st. I think I'm going to go to the Grand Canyon though on the way back. That's pretty tight. You have allergies out there? Yeah. There's actually like in the mountains here there's some

a lot of pollen actually. There's a lot of vegetation. That sucks. I almost am. Today's the worst day. It's bad. All right. Lewis has four pieces of paper bunched up on his coffee table,

on his razor-nicked coffee table. Lewis on his powdery, razor-nicked coffee table has four pieces of paper. Stop joking about it, dude. Lewis actually does a ton of coke all right there we go he's put them in a square are you guys watching it's four crumpled up wendy straws wrappers all right and he's got his hands over them just pretty good combine them that's pretty good

that's pretty fucking good actually dude that's great mind freak that's great Lewis just somehow shipped them around under his hand that's pretty cool yeah he had four in one hand and then he picked up the other ones

that's an easy one you. That's an easy one. You think it's an easy trick, dude? It's an easy trick, Shane. If the masked magician revealed that, he would have got booed. Oh, my God. Fuck, man.

Gomez, how's business? Dude, that was amazing. That's an Uncle Trent. How long did you do magic for? Oh, hey. What's going on? Look at my finger. Damn, we're already down to the bottom of the repertoire let's get a closer

just put it just put your hand out screen and go like oh no it's this way i can't even do it. So fucking cool. I can't know it. Damn, Lewis. You fucking crushed. Dude, you're the fucking man. All right.

We'll do another one. One more because everyone can play along at home. One more. Okay. It's a math one. Can you guys do math right now? Are you pulling your dick out? How many inches is this?

That'd be hilarious so think of a number 1 to 10 okay hold on I gotta write this down fuck this up that's all your notes are just magic tricks think of a number 1 to 10 now what I want you to do is That's all your notes are? Just magic tricks?

Think of number one to ten. Now, what I want you to do is I want you to double it. Okay. Now, I want you to add eight to that. All right. Okay. Damn, you just got that, Matt? That takes me a minute, bro.

Not very good at math. So is there a lag? There's a little bit of lag, but I'm juking and jiving on this too, so I'm using big numbers. Okay. So you thought of a number one to ten. You doubled it. You add eight.

Now what I want you to do is I want you to divide by two. Okay. doubled it you add eight now what i want you to do is i want you to divide by two okay now what i want you to do is i want you to subtract the original number that you started with the original number you started with from that number okay you have a whole new number in your head now right yep both of you guys don't say shit say nothing okay you got a number shane did you fucking fuck up the math you got it yeah shane are you sure do you want to do math yeah no i know i have it okay just it's not that impressive this is just how just do me a favor please just fucking please you're ruining the magic it's not real magic just fuck up it's magic i'm sorry what is it let me finish so now what i want you to do is i want you to think of that number like it's a letter so if it was a 1 b 2 c 3 d 4 e 5 and so on yeah so i can think of the

letter of the alphabet okay you guys should have a letter of the opposite well i have a decimal in my number so i don't think you should have a decimal in your number you said dude any the it's infinite would exist between one and ten decimals exist between one and ten you can fool it's fair to use them damn mine's d mine's between A and B. Mine's between A and B. All right, forget it. All right, keep going. No, forget it. Please keep going. Are we wrong? Are we wrong?

Let me see the paper, dude. No, dude. Please. No, you fucked it up. You shouldn't have fucked it up. I was just kidding. Mine's not deep. Go ahead.

Get it. Get it, dude. Slam dunk to finish. You fucked it up already, dude. You ruined it. You're the uncle at the birthday party who's like, oh, dude, the fucker. Matt was telling you decimals. It's under his hat.

That was fair game. Matt sucks, too. Matt also sucks. Matt also is a fucking cunt. I'm that nasty lesbian ass. It's actually decimals, you know. It's just like, ew, beat it. My shirt's all the way unbuttoned. This is the least fucking magical podcast.

So I'd be happy with being fucking anti-magic. Hold on, let me magic your magic. Let me guess, it's D? Is it D? Is it always D? Let me guess. Hold on, Louis, Let me read your mind. It wasn't just D, fuckface.

It was more to the trick. What is it? Keep going, then. You've ruined it. Oh, my God, dude. What are you embarrassed about? Just fucking do the rest of it. I'm not embarrassed about anything.

I'm embarrassed about your fucking magical friend. God, magicians are such prima donnas. All right, finish the rest of it. No, dude. I'm not finishing the rest of that trick, dude. Why? The mystery will live on then. I'll do another trick.

I'll do another trick. All right, Matt, you have to go, don't you? I can tell you have to go. Yeah, I may have to do something eventually for Helium has to do a live stream, but I can be late for that, trust me. Oh, fuck them, dude. Lewis is doing magic. Yeah, exactly.

I'm going to see Lewis' magic. Don't worry about that. All right. It's funny, I feel left out from the the helium thing after I told them no right away. I was like, no, I don't think I can do any live stream comedy. It's probably just a podcast. I think three people. I sold three tickets.

Yeah. Total of $15. Oh, no. No, it's just three people in the audience. No, I think they'll be. I think they're giving away – I don't know. I don't know who's going to – What the fuck is he doing? Oh, Jesus Christ.

Lewis has his camera now back on his very suspicious coffee table. He's hiding something in the couch. It might be a knife. He busted out what appears to be pepper pepper somehow that was just there that was there that's a latino thing that's a latino thing latinos put like pepper and shit on their bananas it's true they season latinos like season their fruit do you know that all right i have this little top no i didn't they put like cumin on their apples and eat them a little top of a weed jar because i don't have a coin but that's fine okay i need a coin how'd you make the thing fall like that

how'd you make the thing fall like that? How'd you make the pepper jar fall? Oh, my God. Dude, this makes me so happy. This is so fucking funny. God damn. Can you bring your camera with you? Yeah, show us the apartment. Oh, my God, dude.

Dude. Yeah, remember when you fell in love with him just him sitting on the fire escape oh fuck he's so far oh i was just i was just thinking damn dude can we do you have that video that'd be so funny i'm gonna ask we had to get him to pull that back up that was the funniest it was during the milo backlash that they had yeah it was when they had milo on and then like they people protested them and then lewis got about this high and went out on the fire escape and started talking about it. He started talking about it.

And I got new pepper. This is a better bottle for it. He started talking about people. Lewis, can we stop and talk about the time that you guys had Milo on? All right. We have to pause. I have to. Stop your magic.

Stop your together at home magic show. Yeah. Stop your fucking fourth grade talent show, dude. That's your fucking problem. Okay. My fault. Paul, it would be awesome if you were going through that YouTube video earlier. We saw Lewis separating balls of paper.

My earphones fell out. I'm back. Lewis. Here's what we need to talk about there was a video you put out one time this is this is shane's right this is the moment i fell in love with you it was after the milo fallout and you guys were catching a lot of heat and you went out onto a fire escape and did like a quick periscope video where you just sat there and talked about how like you started talking about the backlash you were getting and you're so high

all you did was you said it was like it's just like so interesting because like just like real interesting you never made a point other than what was happening was in fact interesting for like nine minutes and it was the funniest fucking thing you never said why it was interesting you just said that it was interesting i realized this today something really interesting never made a point it was the funniest thing i've ever seen yeah dude yeah what happens after fucking rules what happens after d yeah dude no you're not fucking getting you're done with guess what you took the magic trick away from yourself it's not me i'm not like taking my ball and going home you kicked my ball over the fence and now you're like dude get the ball and come play again.

Like, no. Fuck you, dude. Good analogy. You smoked your way into a good one. That was good. I'm doing more magic. Got a penny. All right.

We got the penny here. Lewis has a penny on the table. Let me put this fucking ball. I hit the ball pretty hard there. He hit it twice. He hit it on the way up, too. It could have been a 420 crisis, dude. Lewis is right at the gates of a 420 crisis.

Okay, so we got a penny, right? Can you guys see the penny clearly? See the penny. Okay, we got a... What year is the penny? Pepper shaker. Good question. Keeping them honest.

2018. Okay, all right. All right, there it is. Pepper shaker. Pepper shaker's on the penny. Okay, we're going to take a paper towel. We're going to cover. Pepper shaker. Pepper shaker is on the penny. We're going to take a paper towel. We're going to cover the pepper shaker. Yep.

Who's gripping a pepper shaker? We're going to actually take another paper towel. We're going to take three paper towels. We're going to cover. Keep your eye on that backhand. The pepper shaker. Watch that penny. Oh, yeah.

Stop sliding that thing. Are you trying to slide the table? At the back of the table? All right. At the end of the trick, will you show us the floor? I'll show you the floor, and I'll show you the penny. I'll show you. The penny's still there, fuckface.

You see the penny? Okay. All right. One, two, three. My freak. My freak. That was pretty good, three. Mind freak. Mind freak. That was pretty good, Louis. Mind freak.

Damn, Louis. That was pretty good. I'll give it. That was a good magic trick. Good job, Louis. Reveal, dude. Where's the pepper? Where's the pepper shake?

I think he's staring at it. In hell. He just kicked it forward. It's in Satan's pocket, dude. Fuck, man. That was pretty tight yes man you're the best dude dope right hidden you rule yeah absolutely 100 rule fuck me as you didn't fuck up that fucking d trick yeah i think i did i think that was the end of it there was nothing

else no it was gonna be fucked all right Like name an animal that starts with your letter. Is that next? All right, easy. It was actually a country. Vegetable country. Oh, Denmark. Go fuck yourself. Yeah, Denmark.

Goddamn right. Yeah, that's Delaware. Yeah, that's Denmark. Denmark. Look at the fucking country. Oh, Denmark. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at the country, you dumb fuck.

Sorry, I just said it. I just said it it I said it immediately because there's not many D countries Dominican Republic I said there's not many I see you're searching for another one oh you're gonna sit here and tell me that you're not running magic fine dude like I'm the asshole because I'm you're running magic

no I wanted you to finish it what are you talking about dude I'm happy this is a good you're running magic no i wanted you to finish now you're happy what are you talking about dude i'm happy for this is a good you're a great guest this is my favorite podcast we've had a long time yeah this is great best it's nice when you're not on your show you're so much fucking better as a guest that's so mean it's so much better to have you here when you're not running things. I hate you, Shane. Fuck. Why?

Because you're a mean friend. Don't you dare, dude. Don't you dare, dude. Trying to get these crocodile tears, dude. These alligator tears. What are you doing over there? No. You feel me?

If I hurt your feelings, I'll be devastated. True. It's really funny because I do that to Shane all the time. I just make him feel bad. And he's such a nice guy. I'll call him. I'll call him after. Sorry, I ruined the fucking magic trick, dude.

I'm sorry I ruined the fucking. I'm sorry I ruined magic. I love magic. I think they're actually canceling that stupid thing I was supposed to do. They should have hired me as a magician. I also realized I should do a fucking online magic show. I'm pretty fucking dope.

You call it Hackdini. I can levitate. You guys want to see me levitate before I go? Yeah, please. Oh, you've shown me this. This is a fucking mind freak. You've showed me this this is a fucking mind freak dude you're already mind freaked me like three times this is a mind freak really all right so lewis i feel bad for people if you're listening to the audio then you know you just gotta just go to

the youtubes dude treat yourself check it out treat treat yourself on the youtube right now okay i'm checking out he's all right he's got a skateboard he's 38 I'm not gonna be able to hear you guys skateboard this will be the last thing on the show yeah you can just fade to black I can do a fucking three we can fucking Joe Rogan this all day dude I don't give a shit true

we could probably three hour it I'm fucking exhausted this is funny though We could probably three-hour it. I don't think I can. I'm fucking exhausted. This is funny, though. I mean, fuck, man. Lewis. Pretty small apartment. All right, so he's got his shoes on.

He's picking black shoes right now. Clearly to aid in the illusion. Dude. Oh dude oh i know he's putting his feet together he's gonna sneak up his one heel i see this is mind freak watch he's gonna put his toe so funny you can't hear us he's gonna put his toeippy toes barely and then stumbled oh my god lewis we i've known that one actually saw mind freak actually showed how he did that one sorry mind free to trade you lewis came on he goes no i know i didn't blow me is that your abracadabra oh my god at the end of every trick oh you're a faggot dude blow me you're fucking magic you're ruining magic dude magic was awesome. Magic's still awesome.

Oh, fuck. It's the worst of everything. Magic rules, dude. Fuck, man. That's a tough life for the magician. Yeah. That was a tough life. But when you hit it big, dude, when you hit it big, you fucking rule.

True. Just in Vegas with tigers and shit. Yeah. All right. Well, dude, let's get to's eight o'clock let's wrap it lewis you want to wrap yeah we got rap yeah that was dude so fucking funny you're the best man i miss you i love you and i miss you come back to town yo do you want to get a house let's give your son away and then let's go get a uh let's get a beach house for like a week i think i'm

gonna i mean i'll give him i'll get a bitch house for like a week. I think I'm going to get... I mean, I'll get a beach house for a week to fucking just go do that. In May. Yeah, let's do it. For the month of June, I think I'm just going to go get a place upstate. With a pool. Because I'm sick of fucking... It'd be tight in New York.

Let me swim in your pool like Sexy Beast in the beginning of the movie. We should do that was very funny yeah we should oh dude tomorrow the patreon segment if you guys aren't on the page we're doing a uh live patreon segment you guys don't want to miss so it'll be fun oh yeah that'll be good it'll be it'll be like a surrogate digital graffiti we'll have a bunch of people basically hop into a zoom show a bunch of cool stuff on the internet. I don't know how it works.

It's going to be fun. Basically bringing your best videos into our Zoom on the internet. Oh, yeah. Fuck yeah. What are you eating? Big potato on some chili. All right. We're going.

Lewis is totally disrespecting the show. Lewis totally disrespected the show. Right at the end, you just ruined it. Totally disrespected the show Right at the end you just ruined it Totally disrespected the show We thought we were over Alright