Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - The ALL NEW Chevy Ted Cruze

Episode Date: January 29, 2020

Sup DAWGZ. We talked some mothercuffin shop on this one.  Basically took stock of our podcast umbrella, investigated links between bat munchin and that new scary disease, talked about ego ascension, Shane's sick night, and MOREEEEEEEEE   Also peep the Patreon to get into PT 3 of HarderCore History

Wagwan, dude. We're fucking in the house, dude. Let's do it, dude. Let's fucking go. I'm proud of you. I'm so fucking proud of you, bro. You should see me at the gym this week. What have you been doing? I've been doing the fucking running-walking program you sent me. Really? What kind of time are you getting? Well, the time's set.

Oh, the time is set. Yeah. Hitting about two miles? Hitting about two miles right now. Goddamn, bro. It's tough. Goddamn. Goddamn.

I gotta pick up the pace. You're hitting about two miles right now. God damn, bro. It's tough. God damn. God damn. I got to pick up the pace. You're on my heels, bro. I know. My cardio is not the best. My cardio is the worst, and I'm nipping at your heels. I have a deviated septum. Yeah, I have one, too. I'm on 50%.

No, I have one, too. It's crazy. It's crazy. Airflow. Clear. Deviated. There's some deviation. I'm at 75%.

Mine's wild. You're probably like 40. This nostril is like huge and this one's tiny. Damn, dude. The cartilage is like totally bent. Yeah. You probably have like a 50% blockage. I'm at 75.

No, mine's... I just went to the doctors. I'm at 82. Did I tell you I just went to an ear, nose, and throat doctor? No. How'd it go? It was fucking horrible, dude. I'm so jealous that you have fucking health insurance. I'm at 82. Did I tell you I just went to an ear, nose, and throat doctor? No. How'd it go? It was fucking horrible, dude. I'm so jealous that you have fucking health insurance.

It's pretty tight. Fuck. It's pretty tight. I'll probably lose it. Once we have a baby, I'll probably lose it. I have no idea what's going on. They don't really tell you shit, man. Honestly.

Every time I've gone to the doctors, I've been like, well, this keeps happening. This keeps happening. And they're like, yeah, that's fine. You're fine. Well, that's the thing, too. I go, and they're like, I'll go to a specialist, and I a specialist and like why are you here i signed up to go to a sleep special i'm going to every single kind of doctor i can go to because i haven't had health insurance forever yeah so i'm like i'm going to a sleep doctor and they called they're like what do you what do you

uh what do you want to come here for i'm like i want to get hooked up to the fucking shit and go to sleep like what do i need like something yeah yeah it's like yeah i'm gonna and they're like uh and i was like i might have sleep apnea, dude. Hook me up. Like, all right. I was like, fuck yeah. I think it's just my deviated septum. I went to the place, the ear, nose and throat doctor.

Dude, they fucking like blast air up your nose. I don't like anything up my nostril. I just, I've always disliked that sensation. You don't like that either. Hell yeah. You, you, me, Nancy Reagan, dude. Yep. Just say no.

Dude, I just, I dislike that. Just like Nate. People be like, oh, try some nasal spray. I'm like, me, Nancy Reagan, dude. Yep. Just say no. Dude, I dislike that. People be like, oh, try some nasal spray. I'm like, dude, you don't understand. Like that. It's like needles. Can't stand needles. Nasal spray. Anything like that.

It's just invasive. I don't like it. Anything cool. Basically, yeah. Anything fucking rock and roll, dude. Yeah. So we do like, they just like jam this fucking, like blast air up my nose. I'm already tapping. I'm like, guys, my nose. I'm already tapping on my guys.

Fuck it. I don't care. Just leave it. And they're like, well, we got to they had to like do some kind of thing where they I guess some sort of like a like desensitize my nose. And they stuck like a fucking stick up my like a camera. Dude, the whole time I was like, like, like fight the guy off. Dude, it was so fucking funny. He was like, dude, like, what do you do? Chill out. And I was like, you don't understand. Like so fucking funny he was like dude like

what do you do chill out and i was like dude don't understand like i fucking don't like this shit he was like well you have a deviated septum is that 80 it's at like i think it's like 97 damn that's crazy because mine just came back to test 98 you have 98 why no it's 100 i just have one nostril he was like are you sure you're not a pig you have a pig nose so I'm like I don't know dude I have pure yeah dude

I run I just only breathe out of my mouth of course I always only breathe out of a complete mouth breather dude at all times

I mean you guys don't see the side of me but I do wear an oxygen tank really I wish dude but yeah no so I might get the deviated septum thing done while I have insurance.

You got to get one of those Bane masks that you can buy that cool athletes wear when they work out. That would be pretty sick. You should get that for the treadmill. Is that to decrease your oxygen? I have no idea. It just looks cool when you're running routes at seven on seven. Yeah, it'd be fucking awesome.

Dude. Feed yourself oxygen. So Matt sent me his health insurance has a workout thing. Yeah, it comes with it. Which is awesome. Dude, it's amazing. And there's like a running plan that's like the first half is so easy. It's like walk five, run 60 seconds, walk three, run two minutes, walk five.

It's like nice, dude. I'm in such good shape. Yeah. And then you hit that first run five minutes. It's like, holy shit. After a minute, i'm staring at that clock on the treadmill like jesus christ it's funny because you should do about like the guts of a mile in five minutes sad i'm at like 10 10 minute pace for a mile for me that's like that's

some dude actually just invited me to go uh run with him he's like we'll just do two miles and i'm like you prepared to walk half of it yeah that's a half hour yeah like you prepared to walk half of this thing because you know so i'm like but the uh the funniest part is being like gassed at the end of that five minutes and trying to reach for this slow down like you gotta turn it down on the fucking treadmill well i tried little tricks where like i would like walk really fast so then i can run a little slower and i'm like i'll power walk the same you know you just got to run. Yeah. Doesn't do it.

It's not helping. Yeah bro I went to the gym today dude I'm getting fucking. You look great. Thank you man. Got a haircut. Did you get my haircut? It looks nice. I got a haircut.

My hair is wild. Your hair is getting long. My hair is wild. Well I'm balding. Balding sucks. You keep saying you're balding. I don't see it. I am.

It sucks. I mean you got. It's a slow. It's a slow process for you. Yeah but balding just like... I genuinely don't care when it comes to what it's going to look like. Yeah. But just the mortality of it, like in the shower, looking at clumps of hair.

Oh, so it's coming down like that. Well, yeah. If I shampoo my hair, I'll have a bunch of hair in my hands. Short buzz. I'm going to have to. Do it. You should preemptively strike no why i'm gonna let it have a long bald head you get a fucking short buzz right now it'll be nasty dude maybe if you're

like a fade like a short buzz the fade is sick we'll see but i think going bald naturally and keeping your hair long is fucking sick pretty tight obviously like just yeah getting that louis cut yeah that'd be pretty cool too yeah i started watching a show like the main character's kind of bald it's the show on hbo about the guy who sells weed high maintenance yeah mckeever was in that what yeah the end of last season was he really yeah damn i wish i kept watching and saw mckeevy's yeah is he acting it yeah he's like a main character in the last episode now i gotta watch it second season right whatever was the most recent season so it's one of those shows like california occasion it's a

show i don't really like that much and i just i'm like i'll just kind of keep watching yeah but it's funny because in this beginning of the second season trump wins so that everyone there is like this is the worst day ever and I'm like damn we're normal people were really fucked up I remember laughing like gleefully laughing I mean we've talked about a million times how delighted we were dude did you see his new plagiarism thing he got accused of yeah of Obama on the I noticed it myself of the tweet yes I want to I was sitting there with O'Connor and Beezer, and I was like, I'm pretty sure Trump just plagiarized Obama's memoriam to Kobe. That is so fucking funny.

He did it verbatim. Yeah. He was just getting started. The fact that his daughter... Dude, that's the funniest fucking thing. Yeah, I can't... I mean, dude, the fact that one of their scandals is plagiarism is so fucking funny.

His wife got caught and I was like, all right, they probably all have the same speech writers. Come on. Yeah. Give him a fucking break. That tweet. I was like, what the fuck? Yeah, I was. I, I picked up on it without, I didn't know there was a story about it.

I noticed it. It was that obvious. I might start plagiarizing now. Plagiarizing tweets. Yeah. Just plagiarizing. Just plagiarizing now plagiarizing tweets yeah just plagiarize just copy Ari's tweet dude

he went in on that he did dude Tyrese said it's on site if he sees him Tyrese baby boy's gonna fuck him up damn

Tyrese sees him he's gonna fuck him up damn that's not an enemy I wanna have no dude that's bad that was a bad idea

that was a bad tweet that was a bad call I actually texted him today making fun of him he didn't answer really yeah i think he's regretting his uh i don't know choice of twitter i don't know what's going on i don't want to speak on it but twitter is a fucking dude it is like a everything you read on there's i was reading uh trump's like memoriam tweets and then i love reading the uh comments below when trump tweets yeah they're like fuck yeah well it's like memoriam tweets and I love reading the comments below when Trump tweets yeah they're like

fuck yeah well it's like yeah it's a bunch of people being like you're the worst fucking break Kobe hated you Kobe fucking hated you

and then people are like this is why liberals can't have anything you can't can't we just come together and mourn Kobe and it's like just get the fuck

you guys don't have to talk to each other at all you guys can totally ignore each other forever and die no problem that shit under his tweets or really anyone's is so fucking funny. People going on and being like, that's why the left can't fucking, you guys are fucking

psychos. They're like, fuck you. You're fucking supporting a dictator. Fuck you. Like, dude, it's insane. Man. I love it. I'm all up in the mix, dude.

Being like, yo, guys, can we just all get fucking along? True. Matt and Shane's secret podcast, Beacon of Peace, dude. 2020 Redemption. Heard that, bro. That's what it's all about, is peace. That's what it's all about. I was actually kind of bummed about the Kobe thing.

When he died? Yeah. I was like, oh, man, that's weird. It just felt weird. I felt weird more than bummed. I was out to breakfast, and I just got the group text, and it was like, Kobe died. I'm like, what the fuck? I saw the TMZ link, and I was like, shit. Why do why do i care well it wasn't even like i did it was weird it just

kind of like yeah i didn't get really upset about it i just kind of sat there and was like man it could be brian's dead and i was like all right whatever and then like now you just gotta pick up the pieces and keep moving well the worst weirdest part for me is like i have to watch all the stuff online, people being like, man, I was in L.A., and everyone's coming together. Like, it was fucking 9-11. They're like, just everyone in the city now

is coming together. It's just such a beautiful place to live. Just, like, am I a psycho? Because, you know, it's sad. I'm like, that's sad. I also don't care. So then I start feeling like a psycho. I'm like, am I missing out on this whole experience

of being like, oh, fuck, dude, this guy died. It's like that sad. Do I care? No. Then there's the jokers, dude, who are going out and being like, yeah, twisted joke. There's a lot of twisted jokers coming out of the woodworks. And I see that. I'm like, well, I don't like that either.

It's also. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, it is strange, though, to see like if it's a funny one. Of course, that's funny. If anything's funny, it's also yeah i don't know i mean it is strange though to see like if it's a funny one yeah of course that's funny if anything's funny it's rules yes but it is funny when people especially comedians are like oh fuck kobe said all right this is my chance yeah i have 30 minutes to get a good one you know it's like dude you don't have you don't have to do that yeah it's a weird compulsion it is it's a strange compulsion i'm glad i don't have it. Yeah. I'm glad I don't. Getting and hitting the fucking. Having to immediately hit the fucking edge, dude.

Oh, shit. The nation's mourning. Time for me to hit the keyboard. Gotcha. Time to sit back and watch the chaos. It's just like, damn, bro. I mean, dude. Whatever. whatever do you people should do them but it is so fucking funny to watch just to be plugged into that whole thing of like the nation needs my input right now it's

like dude sit on it man just chill yeah i dude i respect anyone going for it it's like you're going for it you go for it go for it god. God damn. That blowback is so funny. It's just getting more and more crazy to where people, because I was reading the Shafir tweet, and people were like, this is not comedy. How is this funny? I love comedy, and this is not comedy. And people were like, you don't even fucking get it, dude. You're a fucking idiot.

Yeah. I'm like, we're losing our fucking minds, man. We're losing them, man. This has been on my mind heavily this week, like we're so far away from our survival needs we're literally we're made to like our physiological systems are made to like not have food and be like fuck fuck fuck and get food and be like yes nah yes yes i can actually sleep i'm cool yeah i can sleep relax i am cool and we've transcended that so far to where now we're using our like secure food physiological system for ego ascension so now the game is like all right my ego has to arrive rise above all the others so there's just like constant threats to it

all day every day to where you're in a sort of weird jungle all day how long have you been wearing a wedding ring just got it it. Just got it this week. Just noticed it. Let me see that bad boy. Oh my god. She did such a good job. I flipped my hand down like a girl. Is yours mahogany? It's koa wood actually. It's what? Koa wood. It's Hawaiian wood.

You guys have Hawaiian wood rigs? Yeah, dude. She gave it to me. I love it. I love it too mahalo bro yo what hawaii hawaii or as we in hawaii say aloha is that how you guys are gonna exchange your vows oh for sure bro aloha well we wouldn't appropriate hawaii we wouldn't appropriate hawaiian culture you wouldn't hell no what type of ring is that koa wood dude i support i'm supporting them bro you physically appropriated koa wood where that would come from they just it's koa wood has to like drift on shores and it ages for a long

time they make musical instruments out of it i mean i'm very musical true i think it's great i swear to god oh dude i love it yeah it's cool it's funny i just never saw that was the first time i noticed the way i know it's so it's so funny because i i was in school and someone's like you have a ring and i instantly instantly clenched my hands together. I'm so used to being made fun of. Why would you be wearing a ring? Yeah, and I was like, bullshit. And I initially was like, I'm going to get made fun of.

Everyone's like, that's so nice. And I was like, thanks, guys. Thanks for not making fun of me. It's a cool ring, man. It's a rare wood, kill wood. It's polished. It makes beautiful instruments. But yeah, it's actually a very cool ring man it's a rare wood kill wood it's polished it makes beautiful instruments but yeah

it's nice I kind of like I like now that I have something to do while I talk to somebody I sit there and fuck around yeah you can fiddle with your ring it's kind of tight that's nice

yeah dude that's nice just waiting for the babes to come out the fucking scandalous babes to come out of the woodwork wow that's how I show

that's how I show everybody that's nice dude she did such a good job oh my god you did such a good job. Oh, my God. You did such a good job on this. Yes.

Yeah, that's pretty. But, dude, I'm telling you, this is a realm we're in. So it's like we're combating ego ascension. And, dude, for anyone to be like, yeah, we're all in it, bro. Of course. Nobody's not in it. Of course. We're all in it.

And now it's like the internet is that place that you could possibly. It's like the portal where we could possibly ascend and it's just like, well, here we go. Dude, I was, oh fuck, I forgot we deleted that. Yeah, I got the ego, big time. Damn. Dude, that's the thing. I'm looking at the Chevy Cruze right now. I'm thinking about buying a Chevy Cruze. You thinking about buying a Chevy Cruze?

I think I'm going to buy a fucking Chevy Cruze tomorrow. Bro, that's great cash. I think I'm buying a Chevy Cruze tomorrow. Go in there and try to buy the fucking dealership. I'm going to be like, yeah. How much are you guys selling it for? $15,000? Okay.

That's my limit. Dude, you could probably do it. You could probably go in there. The best thing about you buying a car is you worked in a car dealership so you can be like paul's the fucking baloney bro you're talking to an old car well that's that's the funny thing i'm i'm mina yeah fuck whatever should have named him i don't know who cares my brother-in-law is the one selling it to me ah he works at a dealership so i was calling him on the phone I was like about pricing this isn't this isn't fucking Cairo dude

I'm not going to sit here and haggle with you we're not in Cairo I'm not laying down my rug and my wares and arguing with you about this how did he like that he knows I'm just joshing but what's that he He knows I'm just joshing.

But what's that? Does he? He better know I'm joshing. I'm sure he got a nice chuckle out of that. Yeah. So you told him, like, well, you should be like car man to car man, bro. Look, I'm a car man. Exactly. I told him.

I was like, dude, I'll go to Honda right now. For sure. You better give me that Chevy Cruze or I'm going straight to Honda. That Chevy Cruze, what color are you getting? Chevy Cruze is so funny. You should get it murdered out. I think it's either black. I'm going straight to Honda. That Chevy Cruiser, what color are you getting? Chevy Cruiser is so funny. You should get it murdered out, dude. I think it's either black. I think it might be black.

Get black rims. I should. Dude, if you get spinners on the Cruiser, dude, you would. Dude, I don't know why you're laughing, sitting here joshing about Chevy Cruisers. Those are fucking good vehicles. It's a good domestic vehicle. What are you talking about? Dude, if I start rocking.

I'm actually, yeah. Are you going to get it wrapped? Yes. Did you get it wrapped? Yes. Did you get it wrapped? Did you get your Twitter handle on it? The Chevy Cruze. That's a nice car, dude.

Chevy Cruze is sick. That's a good fucking... I was looking them up, dude. Chevy Cruzes are fucking tight. Any new cars, any new car I've ever been in, I'm like, dude, this is the best car I've ever been in. I know. So nice. He told me, he was like, I got fucking chevy cruze for like 10 grand and i

was like god damn it dude i'll give you 15 for it i'm not driving a fucking chevy and then he showed me the pictures of it i was like that's a that's a nice looking vehicle let me tell you something the interior leather black on black dude is it really yeah fucking every new car is like bluetooth fucking yeah all that now don't get me wrong i'm not i'm not a chevy guy yeah but i might be now i might have to switch over to start bragging about being a chevy guy dude you gotta get the sticker bro you gotta get calvin peeing on ford true you get calvin peeing on ford peeing on well this is a tough switch for me because i've always driven asian vehicles true so now to switch now this year for me to switch to american that's a bold

statement for those people following me closely dude tmz is gonna be all over this the fact that True. So now this year for me to switch to American. That's a bold statement. For those people following me closely, TMZ is going to be all over this. The fact that you bought American? They'll be snapping pictures of me getting out of the cruise. Wait, so you're going America first on your car purchase? Yes. America first. I'm only America.

America first on the Chevy Cruze. I mean, does China build any cars? I don't know. I don't think so, bro. There's no real Chinese... I don't think there's any Chinese car companies. Why are you bringing up China, dude? Well, I'm just thinking of...

There's like Honda... Yeah, you see they were fucking munching bats, and that's why everyone's getting sick. What? Everyone's getting sick because they were munching bat soup. Who's munching bats? The fucking Chinese. They munched bats.

So they got cursed? Well, yeah, they fucking got cursed by the bats. They got cursed? Well, yeah. They fucking got cursed by the bats. And they invented basically a new disease. Is it getting people? Yeah. Bad timing. Bad timing, dude.

Chinese keep munching fucking bats. Like Ozzy Osbourne? Yes. Is it all like in a dramatic rock and roll fashion? Yes. Damn, dude. And then you snort a line of ants to wash it down. No, it's...

They've been crushing bats? Yeah, that's one of the things I saw was they think it's coming from the bat soup they've been crushing. And it's not even... I don't know if you can imagine this, but it is just literally a bat just sitting in a fucking bowl of broth. It's not like it's like... They at least like range it tastily.

It doesn't even look like the bat was cooked, dude. They're just tossing a bat into some chicken noodle and fucking crushing it. Dude, imagine being the journalist. Go find out what's going on over there. He's like, God fucking...

I'm not putting my name on this, dude. They're going to kill me for it. They're going to fucking kill me. Look, don't... This isn't... We're not being racist, dude. They just are eating...

Some of them are munching bats, and it could be causing problems. How dare you assume that bats are what's causing a pandemic, dude? I don't know. What's the exact pathway of bat to virus? I don't know. I was just watching the thing on pandemics. Yeah. About when animals have a disease and it gets mixed with a human virus.

It's like quadruple-y. It's like a giant. It's a major problem. That's how like bird flu and swine flu and all that shit. Didn't AIDS start that way? AIDS came from monkeys, yeah.

Yeah, didn't they like scratch? Chimpanzees. Yeah. Yeah, there was a wild theory. Yeah, there was a wild theory someone fucked a monkey. Yeah, well, I think it's way more likely

they were just eating meat. True. It's a wild theory. There was a wild theory someone fucked a monkey. Yeah, well, I think it's way more likely they were just eating meat. True. It's a monkey meat. But then every dude in the back of his head was like, there's a world I could live in where I end up fucking a monkey.

I bet someone fucked a monkey. I mean, dude, some of those baboons got those fat red asses. Fat asses floating around. Dude, if you get... Dude, you get... That's what incels are doing in Africa.

Fucking monkeys. Just going out in the woods and fucking a monkey and coming back be like i think i'm sick what is it it's like i don't know i think i invented a disease this weekend uh yeah they're munching munching some bats but the problem is is china doesn't report they like they kind of have that same thing they did with mao where they like they kind of have that same thing they did with Mao where they like don't report problems. Yeah. So they look better. So they're just like in a fucking literally a bat stew just coming up with diseases and then not telling the world disease control. They're not telling anyone. What's it called?

The World Health Organization. Who is the World Health Organization? OK, so they should hit them up and be like, yeah, we came up with something new. Some of us munched bats well it's funny too because there's like definitely China has that elite ruling class

and then there's like a ton of fucking peasants so the elite Chinese are like alright we got the 50 year plan going we're doing this and they're like sir

they've been munching bats sir they're munching bats again god damn it don't tell anyone fucker keep us under hush how the fuck are they catching them like we just took CFS out of the dictionary, dude.

Now they're a bunch of bats. They're like, come on, man. True. Horrible timing. True. Horrible timing. For the people battling the Chinese restaurant syndrome. Yeah.

Bad. That should be the name of the carnivorous or whatever the virus is. CFS. It should just be called Chinese restaurant syndrome. How dare you. No, I'm not. Look, look. Matt.

Matt. How fucking. Matt. matt bats are a naturally occurring protein dude in nature you can't eat them there's nothing wrong with eating them true if you get the coronavirus you're fucking racist dude sorry sorry sorry you've heard it first look i do up i'm not criticizing no uh asian immigrants bat consumption or people yeah but yeah i went to the restaurant over there had like a bat like the good bats were in his flashlight oh fuck dude i bet one of them did that joke. I bet one of the waiters, while carrying over the bat soup, was like,

Oh, my God. Do you think when you bite into the bat, it's like, wham! Pow! The papers came out the next day. It was like, do-do-do-do-do. Spud is a coronavirus. Fuck. We've been eating too many bats.

Don't be on the coronavirus. Don't tell anyone. Damn. God damn, dude. That sucks, dude. Every time they try to munch something new, everybody criticizes. That's true.

They keep trying to munch different things. We got to send them over some fucking Quest bars or something. We got to be like, hey, just chill. Oh, my God. Do they do the show Chopped over there? Did you ever see Chopped on the Food Network? Where they give you five or six different things? There was that one guy. No, go ahead. Do they do the show Chopped over there? Did you ever see Chopped on the Food Network? Where they give you five or six different things? Well, there was that one guy.

Oh, go ahead. I'm sorry. Where they give you five or six different things? Yeah. They fucking just film it straight from a zoo. Hey, hey. Like leopard pants. No, no.

Matt. God damn it, Matt. That is funny, though. Chop China straight from the Shanghai Zoo. Like, you can go in that cage, that cage, that cage, you have half an hour. Sorry. This is Matt McCusker. Shangulous.

Disapproves of this message. That's not racism. That's racism, dude. You're saying Chinese people would eat... Bats. Bats? How dare you? They're at the zoo.

How dare you assume that? What? That Chinese people are eating bats. Dude, I mean, honestly, keeping animals in cages and not eating was the weirdest thing. True. At least they're just fucking, you know, they're going China first on that one. I agree. That's like the Chevy Cruze.

What's that have to do with the Chevy Cruze? No, the Chevy Cruze is America first. That's my version of eating bats. Like, if people in China found out, they're like, he's driving a Chevy Cruze? What a loser. I would sweat that Chevy Cruze, dude. True. We should start flipping Chevy Cruzes in, like, Malibu's in China.

Bro, you fucking can sit here and condescend all you want on the Chevy Cruze. I'm not. One of these days, you're going to be in the passenger seat. You're going to be like, what's this, a fucking Mercedes? I'm going to be like, hey, Matt. How am I condescending? Matt, let me tell you something. This is a Chevy Cruze.

Dude, I love Chevys. It's a fucking 2014 Chevy Cruze. My friend lost his license, and I got to drive his Impala for like six months. I loved it. True. Yeah, there's nothing wrong with it. I have nothing wrong with Chevys. The come up from an 03 Corolla to a fucking 14 Chevy Cruze is big time.

You kidding me? You should strike a deal with Chevy. See if they can have you do like be the all-new true you could be the matthew mcconaughey of chevy cruz dude true just in the car just yelling at minorities dude twiddling my finger like mcconaughey oh i didn't always drive a chevy cruz until i started getting racist and and then I switched to American. Oh, man. But yeah, dude, be careful for that.

I know it's tempting. I see those things. I see those suckers flying around in the summer sky. I've thought about getting one of them, taking it to the house. Do that whole thing where you put the fucking napkin over your head, and it's like... Oh, yeah, that bird? Yeah.

Well, that's something we do. Yeah, for sure. In America, we'll just eat a bird. what is that uh what the fuck is that called you drown it in cognac succession yeah you drown the bird in cognac and then it's like such a horrible thing to do you're supposed to hide from god and put the fucking napkin over your head as you just like eat it i mean dude i think we're all we're all gonna get to the point eventually where we just be like all right we shouldn't. Like, dude, eating like pigs is fucked up.

It is. We make fun of certain countries for eating dogs and stuff. Pigs is sad. Pigs? Dude, pigs. What countries? Whatever. Whoever eats dogs.

I don't know. Russia, whoever. Who? And some countries eat dogs, dude. It's not that weird, dude. Stop being so fucking Eurocentric about it, Shane. I'm not. So what I'm saying is the fact

that we eat pigs is just as bad as eating dogs it's not a bad argument when they study brain chemistry they use pigs because pigs brains are so similar to ours well bbg used to be a very intense vegan yeah and if she she would she sent me this picture this video this pig getting sent to the slaughter that was scared. It knew it was. So it was shaking and couldn't walk forward. And it was like, oh my god. Dude, I can't eat fucking pork anymore.

I never really liked bacon that much, so I'll be all right. I'll be fine. But I saw... It does need some dumplings, though. I do crush them. Watch a trained pig. It's adorable, dude. It's literally like a dog.

And I was just like, fuck, man. Yeah. Fuck. I can't do it. I can't do it. I did watch, there's a fucking festival in China where they do that, where they like, it's like a dog eating festival. Yeah.

And it's fucking wild to watch, dude. Yeah, man. It's really hard to watch. I mean, yeah. They like, fuck those dogs up, dude. Yeah, it's weird. They have them packed in the back, like, not even, I mean, at least fuck those dogs up, dude. Yeah, it's weird. They have them packed in the back. Like not even I mean, at least we have the pigs kind of not as like they're just jammed in like a cage on the back of like a moped.

They take them out and like this is fucked up. This isn't fun to listen to. They break their legs outwards. So the dogs are on like a rug. They look like a butterfly. Yes. And then they like, you know know they like skin them and fucking burn them they have like blow torches it's fucking wild bro and the dogs are alive damn anyway really yeah that's a rough one yeah i mean don't look up that festival that's a rough festival that's tough that'll get people fired

that's not a good that's the fire fest fest. That might be war propaganda, dude. True. They'd be like, check this out. Yeah, they're like, what do Americans love, dude? Daggs? Dogs. Show them this. Yeah, that's fucked up, dude.

It is. I mean, again, I think... It's no good. I think we're all going to get on the wave where we're like, all right, this is... I think in 20 years, eating like animals, people are going to... Or not 20, like 50 years, they're going to be like... Yeah. You had them, bro? And gonna be like yeah you had them bro and it's like everybody had everybody our economy was based it was different back then yeah yeah dude yeah exactly it was just different back then yeah i think it'll be one of those things will come to him be like this kind of fucked up yeah i think well yeah

they're gonna start just making meat yeah but also, again, chickens would go extinct. Chickens will die in the wild. Would you rather not exist or live that life? That's a fucking hard question. I don't know. I don't think that's a hard question. Free range? Free range boys are having fun.

We should let them lose. Having fun, then... You could just eat their eggs. They're just going to be out. No, that's bullshit because they're eggs. Chickens will be around. People will still want to eat eggs. That's fair game. That's just pro- be out. Yeah, no, that's bullshit because they're eggs. Chickens will be around. Yeah. People still want to eat eggs.

Yeah. That's fair game. That's just pro-choice. True. That's just a good old-fashioned chicken abortion. True, dude. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm for that.

True that. I believe in women's chicken. Cows. I believe in hens' rights. Cows will be fucked. Cows will be fucked. They're done. I'm trying to think what we'll make it.

Pigs will be good. You know, if you let a pig out in the wild, it becomes a boar. Yeah, it grows tough. It becomes a boar. comes aboard yeah oh i watched a sick boar video earlier what'd you what'd you yesterday i was watching a fucking tight boar video what was it up to i was cheering like it was on nature's metal this fucking jaguar was munching a boar like and they were wrestling they were fighting he was fighting his dick off to survive he was screaming the whole time yeah they and then out of nowhere a fucking hyena came in to join. And the boar just goes nuts,

busts loose, bucks the hyena, sprints into the woods, and all three of them sprint into the woods together. It was great. That's awesome. Yeah, I was excited for the boar.

Mid getting munched. He's a fucking revenant. He was getting crushed. Damn. And then right when the hyena came in, he busted out and started going wild. He went hog wild. Come on.

Oh! Here we go. That's what we're designed for, dude. Yeah. That's what we're designed for wild. He went hog wild. Come on. Oh, fuck yeah. Here we go. That's what we're designed for, dude. Yeah. That's what we're designed for. What, going hog wild? Just totaled his fucking physical survival. Yeah, yeah.

We're designed for physical survival. Yeah, you've been in a fist fight. Yeah. You can feel it that time. When you get in a fist fight, it comes out. Oh, for sure. Where you just go, I see red. I go fucking full fucking like,

start squealing. I black out. Yeah. A couple times it's happened to me. I go fucking full fucking like, start squealing. I black out. Yeah. A couple times it's happened to me. I just like kind of come to and black out. It is like, I just go full spasmo, dude. Yeah. Super cyan.

Bend a fork. Whenever I fight with a dude, I'll tell you what, bro. When the day comes when you're dealing with a pregnant bae, that third trimester man you think i'm sticking around bro you gonna hit the road bro that should be a chevy cruz commercial you're just leaving your pregnant on my finger i didn't always drive a chevy cruz you see like my son then i got a waitress pregnant

i got back on the road i said that's not my bitch i gotta pay 800 bucks a month for my kid but other than that the chevy cruz that's why i bought this 10 grand chevy cruz i paid it off government can't touch my earnings i'm gonna give it to my boy once he's of age it's a good move as a distant dad, if you want to leave your kid, you have to go live at the top of the mountain and be a kung fu master so when he finally comes to find you, he'll be like,

I've been waiting for you. I have been waiting for you. I've been waiting for you. Behold, this 20-year-old Chevy Cruze. I bequeath this. Oh, this is wild. I had a wild night last night.

Oh, yeah. Talk about it. We can talk about it. I'll talk about it. Flip it out, dude. All right. So, the Patrice O'Neill benefit was last night oh yeah talk about it we can talk about it i'll talk about it flip it out all right so uh the patrice o'neill benefit was last night and i went you know maybe they invited me they're like come backstage chill guys please please please i shouldn't even be here i shouldn't

be here right now but no it was awesome it's so cool but then dude there's a secret special guest at the end of it who would that be that would That would be one and only Louis C.K. The fucking God dropped in. The G.O.D. The motherfucking G.O.D. And I'm not going to lie, had one of the sickest experiences so far in comedy. So you're just backstage this whole time watching.

No, I've, you know, I had talked to him a couple of times before this. Of course. And when he got there, he was like kind of, you know, I there he was like kind of you know i think he was i don't know i don't want to speak on what he was going through but i think he was like weird to be around he hasn't he hasn't come around that much you know yeah i don't know and there's like industry people in the back there's like people there that are like clearly definitely talk shit on him definitely like all that so he's just kind of sitting there and i was like i mean me and him

have talked i wonder if he'll fucking say what's up he literally waved me over i was just sitting with him dude i was like whoa damn and there was a photographer back there and i was like dude we should get a picture like just to fuck around he was like no no i was like yeah i'm joking dude and then no no and then uh right before he went on i was just standing me and him were standing next to each other before he went on and when they introduced him he like and him were standing next to each other before he went on. And when they introduced him, he like Patty, like fucking patted me on the arm and looked at me like, this is it.

And then walked out. I was like, Oh, and then a fucking Louie champ broke out in the theater. It's 2000 people. Cause they didn't know he was going to be there. No one knew. Damn.

No one knew he was going to be there. And they were like, uh, and Voss introduced him. He's like, we got a special guest. He might've, have you you might have seen him on star search like just being a dickhead and he's like uh anyway hopefully you guys have time for him on a Louis CK the place was like ah I've never heard a theater like that that was fucking insane damn whole place standing going nuts dude everyone loves I mean dude he's the funniest he's the funniest comedian he's the

funniest guy. Literally the funniest. I will say this, though. Burr went right after him and fucking murdered. Did he really? Murdered. And again, I know it's fucking corny to say stand-up stuff, but I was standing behind Louie from the side stage

watching Louie watch Bill Burr. And I was just like, damn, dude. Damn. That is crazy considering a year ago. Yeah. I was thinking about that on the way over. I was like like damn dude damn that's that is crazy considering a year ago yeah i was thinking about that on the way over i was like damn dude yeah it's about a year ago we were on here just talking shit yeah now you're chilling backstage with literally the two gods dude yeah it was wild they're the immortals dude they are and dude vos is still king he vos is the man he rules he was like all right so fuck it i'm not really talking shit on her uh judy gold was on it and he fucked up her intro so she came out i was like fuck you

boss you're an asshole but then he was sitting back with me and we were just talking about how she you know she wrote an article to cnn about me when i got in trouble yeah it's like fuck that that's bullshit so then he goes back out after it, and he's like, I fucked up Judy's intro. Hopefully she doesn't write a letter to CNN. It's like, nice, dude. Boss. Boss is the king, dude.

Dude, he's always been. He's so funny. Remember Digital? We've talked about Digital Graffiti. Him on Digital Graffiti was insane. Never seen anything like that. Yeah. Of a dude.

I mean, it's unimaginable if you're listening to this, but Digital Graffiti, the show we do, is when like you tweet so people are on stage a comic's trying to perform and there's a screen behind him where people are just tweeting at the most worth like the worst shit they can think of about that person who's clowning them so the audience is just laughing at you it's literally like a hallucination like a movie where everyone's like scream laughing at you dude you're just a fool you're it's like the total dignity destroyer you're just up there and it's like you're getting i've experienced it i Dude, you're just a fool. It's like the total dignity destroyer. You're just up there and it's like, you're getting, I've experienced it. I felt it.

You're just like, I want this to stop. Yeah. He did 15 minutes like that while turning and reading what we were saying about him. And just talking shit right back. And people were saying like horrendous shit. And he just sat there and just was talking. It was the most, I've never seen anything like that. Yeah.

He was just merely bothered by it. He's like, what is this? What is this? I got weird teeth. I spent more on my teeth this year than you guys may. Dude, it was so fucking funny. It was so funny, man. Yeah, it's unreal.

Him just fucking around. It was so fun to watch. Just him with those guys, like Keith Robinson and Bill Burr, and just fucking around. I don't know. It's awesome. It was so fun to watch. Dude, it's Jedi-level stuff, dude.

It is. Literally, there's the Siths who are out there. They know. And then the Jedi came back from hiding. Came in, walked in. Everybody in the room was like, holy shit, do you see? Louie's here. Louie's here.

Fuck. Sat down. I was standing against the wall. He waved me over to sit with him. I was like, yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes. Everybody gets to see this. Everybody's going to watch me sit with Louie.

He asked me to come over to him i mean dude who wouldn't that would be a full like me me okay i literally had that thought when he waved i like looked around like to make sure it was for me because if i walked over and he was waving to someone else i would have just left i would have just kept walking straight out just walk out on a stage and just fall off into the crowd. I've never openly discussed talking with him. I feel weird about it. What's your dog? Shout out to

Joe List for putting that together. He's the one. Him and Louie were dogs, or are dogs, and he connected us. But I told Louie last night about it. I'll send him texts. Because we talk, and it literally feels like I'm texting a girl I like, where I'm like, oh, fuck.

I have written out and deleted tweets that I was about to send to Louis C.K. like 30 times, dude. It's so embarrassing. Does he know how much you love him? Yeah. That's awesome. He has to. I've told him several times.

Like, I love you, bro. I was like, yes. Well, that's also what I told him. I was like, what's funny about me shitting on like comedians and stuff that they brought up, like Judd Apatow and that it was like it was all in response to them openly shitting on Louie. True. And the next night we'd be like, I'd be drunk on the podcast.

Like, you know, he's fucking gay. I thought he was fucking gay. Well, dude, honestly, that whole I think we talked about this before, but it's all been I thought he was fucking gay Well dude honestly That whole I don't think we talked about this before But it's all been We were doing our thing And we got We felt the authoritarian push

Of just people being like Well who's on your show And it was just like Yeah man Whoa dude what the fuck What are you guys doing Like I I don't bother you guys at all

What is this weird uprising So you know But then it's like Look they did Ooh they did bad And you know It's it's like look they did oh they did bad and you know this is bullshit yeah whatevs dude who gives a fuck well yeah i mean that that's what i was like i ended up talking to judy gold that night at the fucking after party which was it was nice it was okay it wasn't bad like and i was talking to her and i was like

all of the shit i talked was i was literally in the middle of fighting with woke comics in philly yeah like in the midst of that so if we got on the podcast in 2015 and we're like yeah women aren't funny yeah it was literally in response to our particular scene doing dog shit all the time we're being and us coming yeah just past yes yeah and it's like dude there was i was telling her i was like there's fucking a thousand people at the most listening to our podcast at the time yeah like just after a set of whatever shitty club we were at coming home and seeing everybody being like celebrating diversity on a fucking alt show yeah it's like dude you guys you have an all white audience every show why is that why do only white woke people show up to your shows yeah what's the diversity there true it's just it's crazy and that's what we were up against

so like there's bullshit but my thing is if someone is so like here's the thing if someone is so genuinely be like fuck you i hate what you're doing what changed that they were able to be like hey let's let bygones be gone it's like well i thought you were able to be like, hey, let's let bygones be bygones. It's like, I thought you were trying to oust me from what the fuck I'm doing. What do you mean? Didn't she kind of like amend the bridges? Yeah. My thing is, do you genuinely feel the way you feel?

Was it being opportunistic? Which one is it? What's changed now that all of a sudden I'm forgiven? I guess there's the swells of passion. She was in the room. Huh? When the Lou dog called me over. Really?

I mean, yeah. I don't know. It's just, that's the thing. I do that. It's like, it's just bizarre. It's like, well, what's transpired now? Yeah, what's... I think it's the fucking, just the whole magnetic...

That's the other thing, too. I don't even really get mad at people because, like, everyone's beaming towards the magnetic pull of social media and, like, the possibility of, like, that's the one that put me over the edge. And it's like, what the fuck? Is this retarded? Yeah, it's whatever. I mean, she's, again, she's a nice enough person.

Like, I wasn't like, when she was talking to me, I wasn't like, whatever, bitch. Like, I was just, like, talking candidly. Yeah. I was just like, this is, you know. What are you doing? I totally agree. that's that's a fair question to be like what the fuck but it's also like dude none of us know how to handle this kind of communication we're in right now so when people go off the rails with it it's got to be

like yeah i get it bro like it can happen to anybody yes can just be like yeah so i don't know man it's just dude i can't wait to see presidents run in the future everyone's compromised well that's yeah it's gonna have to start that's when it'll really start to definitely change it'll definitely die by then people when every single politician has something yeah and you still have to run well they're gonna start they're gonna have like uh like psycho parents you know there's like psycho parents who mold their shit like they like don't let their kids pick what they want to do they're going to start being like i have full control like you are cognizant of this going to take like full control so you're going to have people with

like polished pre-polished social media things that'd be a big industry too of being able to fucking i'm sure it is already being able to totally erase all that shit yeah could use that whatever oh i would hire an expert i wouldn't have been there last night Yeah. Could have used that. Whatever. Hiring an expert? I wouldn't have been there last night. True. I probably would have been on the fucking show. You're like Kingslayer, dude.

You're like Kingslayer. I might be. I might be. Dude, I... Whatchamacallit. Bro, but how fucking... So I'm fucking believable. Last night, dude, literally having him fucking grab my arm right before he

walked out like look here we go I would have came then walked right I it was me and just the state it was so sad if you're making all this up

I'd be sick just chilling in a private last night just like no that's so he called me and said do you want to sit with me and I was

like yeah yeah that's so he called me and said do you want to sit with me and i was like yeah yeah that's unbelievable it was i would be filled i'd be electrically filled with glee if you were to touch me in any capacity and acknowledge my existence i'd be like oh god you're the funniest i saw you in two theaters you're so funny he's so fucking funny yeah and then i watched the set and it's it's fucking awesome he's guy. He's so funny. Dude. And the fact that Burr walked out and followed it well. Murdered him. It's like, damn.

Yeah, he's a monster, Joe. Yeah. I've been hearing. He is a fucking monster, dude. He was in Star Wars, wasn't he? Yeah. I heard my friend watch it. It was like, it's just Bill Burr being Bill Burr in space.

Yeah, he's like, what the fuck? What's this guy's problem? That's the mark of a great comedian. The better the comedian, the worse the actor, dude. True. That's not true, but still. Yeah, that's not that true. It's just I'm a horrible actor.

Are you getting back? Are you back in the game? Oh, yeah, you got a big show coming up. I got fucking Topgolf, bro. What time is it, dude? We could probably get you over to Helium right now. I think I saw it over there. I did Helium last week.

Shit. You couldn't do Helium tonight, bro. We wouldn't make it. Yeah. We still got to rip the page. Yeah. That's small potatoes, bro. What time?

How far are we? We're 42 minutes in. Ooh. All right. So this is actually... So the other night, I actually had like... Not in a, boy, I have like epiphany every day. But I had like a, I had a mini, I had a mini epiphany. I was sitting there.

I was with my pregnant babe, dude. She's like, you know, going through pregnant babe stuff. And she's like, her back hurts, all this stuff. And I'm laying in bed with her. She'll like bring me up to bed. Like, can you rub my back? And I'm like, fine, I'll rub your back. But it's, you know, it's all day every day.

So in my head, I'm sitting there, and I'm like, I wanted to play fucking 1914 really bad. So it's like a hard. Well, the game takes too long. So you can't just play it over and over again. Oh, I'm looking, dude. I'm spying on everybody. I'm seeing what's going on. Just start, like, three different games.

I don't want to play. I can't split my attention. You got to just focus entirely on Benghazi. I'm 100% invested. Your capital, benghazi i'm trying to right the wrongs that fucking the hill dog did so i'm sitting there and hill dog trump daddy verse hill dog i'm sitting there and i'm like like you know i'm comforting my pregnant wife and this is how fucked up i am about phones in general they're like i like bring my phone near me and it's like, dude, don't, don't be on your phone. We tend to her, dude, what are you doing? And like, I would like just subconsciously

like put my phone next to me and it's like, dude, I had to literally choose that night. I'm like, am I going to just do my stuff with my phone? Like, what do I like more, my phone or my wife? That's a dude, that's a hard question to really answer of being like was that i have such a nightly ritual where like i go i do all my stuff i look at my phone i like and i couldn't do my phone thing before bed and it was fucking killing me dude to the point where literally i was like rubbing her back and i grabbed my phone and like sat it beside i sat it near me then was like what the fuck am i i'm like i cannot look at this thing for like a week and you snuggled your phone dude literally i put it snuggled. And everyone was like, what the fuck am I? I'm like, I cannot look at this thing for like a week.

You snuggled your phone. Dude, literally, I put it in. You snuggled with it. It was like the movie She. It was like literally. Because, dude, if you think about it from your phone. Her, excuse me. Please don't mispronounce.

My bad. I do apologize. From the phone, you get like sexual excitement. You do get a lot of stuff from your phone that's uncomfortable to think about. I do get hard every time I see a phone. I mean, just like it's a portal. I'm thinking about my baby, Emily Willis. Oh, who's that?

The track runner. The porn star I showed you. Oh, I thought that was the track runner. The Australian track chick that's hot. Dude, I had to literally sit there and take inventory like. Damn, I got to switch. I got to change my life, dude. What?

I fucking followed Emily Willis on Instagram. You did? I followed a porn star on instagram i gotta unfollow her tonight that's sad dude that's the fucking i like those pictures though she's a good good hot picture i'm such hot pictures yeah that's uh dude i'm telling you i have a hard and then people were coming at my baby online saying she's not hot who was coming at you guys dude who was oh the dogs for the The dogs were telling me Emily Willis wasn't hot. How dare you?

That's a weird argument. Me and her are going to get matching. We're going to get fucking... You guys are going to get matching? Mao trees. You're going to get fucking... I'm going to mail her a piece of jewelry. You should.

Yeah. She probably has like a treasure chest of fucking trinkets from perverts, dude. Me and my sorter always joke about dudes sending stuff to porn stars oh my god like dudes there's guys that would

send cum they'll mail cum like ziplock bags of their jizz to these porn stars how do you get a porn star's address I don't know

if you're the type of guy that's jizzing into a bag luckily you can feel out I'm sure like you know when you get an Amazon package like yep these are my golf tees. Yep, this is cum.

It's cum again. But you have to say to the fucking post office, like, does this contain liquids? And you're like, well, technically, no. Yeah, it's probably hard by now. What's the viscous cutoff

for a liquid? Ew, man. Yeah. It probably stinks. Cum has to, like, smell horrible after three days. True. That's horrendous, dude.

I wonder, though, if cum crystallizes, can you just add water and bring it back to life, kind of? These are the types of questions. Talking Jurassic Park, dude. True. Talking Scotty. It's Scotty Jurassic Park, dude. Like, wait, why are you guys making a park full of these dudes? Like, I don't know.

It'd be a sick park. That'd be awesome, dude. They wouldn't be doing anything. Scotty Park? Yeah. Dude I don't know. It'd be a sick park. That'd be awesome, dude. They wouldn't be doing anything. Scotty Park? Yeah. Dude, they'll come. It'd be snowing. They'd be out in gym shorts.

That'd be the best trick they have. Their legs all red. They're smoking a cigarette. Yeah, dude. I literally had to, like, be like, I have to put my phone on the floor. And it's, like, fully. I was giving them, like, 50-50 attention. I was, you know, if I was an MSI laptop, which obviously which obviously has like i think it's like six core processors i mean that's too

many i'm a dual core so i'm like i have one of my processors is like all right once she falls sleep here's all the cool things i want to do on my phone and i literally just like rubbed it back and fell i just fell asleep and passed out in a nice like normal way people have been sleeping forever yeah and i woke up like so i was was like, oh man, I'm refreshed. I didn't have light beaming in my eyes like two minutes before bedtime. Yeah. It was weird.

Well, that's a big thing to not look at your phone before you go to sleep. Yeah, it's impossible, dude. Yeah. How are you not going to look at your phone? I don't know. I put my charger across my room. So when I go into my room,

I plug it in across the room and lay down. That's a good move, dude. Yeah. My laziness exceeds my desire to get online addiction yeah dude i've been uh i get a bad so i pee in the guest bathrooms i don't want to pee like i just it's just a world of shit of like the toilet seat argument and stuff so i keep it up in the guest bathroom so i walk you just have married man problems now dude that's such bullshit that whole you gotta we gotta get you a man cave

i do my basement bro true I get my basement dude so I pee in the guest bedroom and then or the guest not the guest bedroom the guest bathroom yeah

and dude like there's sometimes like I don't shake properly and I like get like a boys only sign on the cover I'm like dude I'm warning keep out

yeah dude I'll like walk I think I like shook out and I'll literally just pee my thighs like my thighs

are covered in pee that happens when you wear like no underwear and you're wearing like sweatpants i can't tell you how many times i've literally just like rub piss into myself anytime you see somebody in pajama pants that's they're just covered in piss if you wear pajama pants with no undies just straight piss oh yeah yeah dude like I've been embarrassed usually I'm like a little bit I rub it in there's been levels of piss I've had on me

the last couple nights where I'm like I'm covered in piss I shouldn't get it I should shower you need to go to the doctor well no it's the night time

I'm pissed with my pants I don't even have pants I'm naked so I shake naked and I just walk back just covered in piss and I'm like dude

I rub it in just so I can hit piss. And I'm like, dude. I rub it in just so I can hit the sheets. And I'm like. It's so sick. People only knew how to. Yeah, of course. It's crazy. I run into people that judge that. I'm like, dude, I sleep naked every night.

How do you sleep with clothes on? Yeah. If you sleep with sweatpants, you wake up and they're like track shorts. The fucking elastics all the way up your fucking side. Why wouldn't you sleep naked? That's kind of weird. I guess the criticism came from me sharing rooms with other men and still sleeping naked. So what?

Yeah, I don't know. Exactly. What's wrong with being nude? If one of my friends sees my dick, so be it. Yeah, exactly. It's bonding. That helps us. Also, what's...

It's like you know my darkest secret, dude. What? True. You've seen the penis. Dude, I don't know why our dicks have to be secret. Have I showed you my dick? Yeah, like five times. All right. I've seen your penis dude i don't know i don't know why we our dicks have to be secret have i showed you my dick yeah like five times all right i've seen your dick i just was going through my head i was like have you seen i've seen your dick like a thousand times thank you thank you um you've seen my dick i've seen your dick yeah the uh oh dude i had coming on to me

no you don't fuck me dude i had a dream this is fucked i have a couple things i had a dream two nights ago that i was i was gay but like i wasn't having gay sex i was just walking around gay and there was an apartment where this guy was like come blow me and i was like i don't want to fucking blow this guy but i was gay so i'm like fuck man so i go to this dude's apartment and i'm like i don't want to suck your dick bro he's like dude you're fucking gay i was I know, but I was like, literally I'm looking, I'm staring at the reality of blowing you and I genuinely don't want to do it. And then I left his apartment, went outside,

you were walking down the street, like, what are you up to? And I was like, ah, fuck, fuck. I was like, shit, it's Shane. That's so sick, your dream was like, who's the last guy you would want to see right now? Oh, here he comes. He's walking down the street,

what are you, being gay in there it was dude it was like an unsettling dream i woke up and it was like i woke up from that it was like i like dude it was like you know i think it is i was watching fucking vr porn vr porn is like very interactive whoa what were you doing but it's on my phone i got i fell into a vr i don't have the right stuff i know you don a VR. I don't have the right stuff. I know. You don't have the case. You just hold your phone like you're Cyclops.

I'm holding it up. And it's just cool because I can like, whoa. You do a VR threesome. You can just like turn your phone like, oh, whoa, you're there. And it just adds an element of discovery to it where you're like, oh, something else is going. It's kind of like an RPG kind of. It was literally for like one night, I was like, this shit fucking,

it was like a whole new experience where I was like, whoa. Did you only crack one nut? One, but I thought about going for that second because I couldn't fall asleep. That's how you fall into VR porn. Dude, I thought about it. I was like, I might do that again.

That was awesome. But then, you know, since I've gotten off it, but I don't know what, I think it has something to a new this is this isn't great yeah you you getting a hold of vr porn is the last thing you need dude i literally there's been i've been fighting my demons and being like you got cell phone games vr porn what's the oculus i've been like seeing like i know like dude if you got the oculus and got a flashlight and watch vr porn that's like your first step into the matrix that's elite level scotty it's done that's a lottery scottery dude yeah dude i'm telling you man if

you put on that fucking vr shit and get a fleshlight that's a lot of fucking simulation that's like crossing into like fucking unhealth that's like the next opioid epidemic i tasted it of just my shitty cell phone. Not even horizontally. I was just like flipping around and being like, oh, there's another. Oh, wow. There's someone else there. Dude. I was talking to somebody who watched it. They said they claimed

it. When a butthole came into view, they instinctively tried to smell it. Smud. Not smud. I can't air him out It wasn't smud though Spud would I mean spud would

Rainy No Close Get warm Get warm What kind of hole is it A butthole A butterly hole

I'm not gonna say dude I'm not gonna say I'm not gonna air out My fucking thongs dude True I hear you Someone try to sniff Stop sniffing Instinctively

Stop sniffing Which is a respectable Reflex dude That's an inborn neonatal reflex. A quick butt sniff. That's so fucking funny. Yeah, man. God damn it, dude. I already have anxiety.

What do you have anxiety about? Exposing fucking Louie. How are you exposing him? You're out in public. You could just start wearing're out in public? Yeah. You could just start wearing a cloak in public. Who's that fucking giant guy in a cloak? Who's that fucking? It's just me.

Who's that Led Zeppelin sticker walking around? It'd only be me. Dude, that'd be tight. If you started decloaking yourself only on stage. Yeah, I'd be the fucking Coco. Did you watch The Outsider? I might be the coco you'd be the dude there's one of those in every uh every course i mean now they're catching up they're

finally stephen king's finally catching up to me when i discovered fucking sleep paralysis true that i mean this has been in every single culture true that dude yo stephen king's been going hard in the fucking paint bro yes he's been supporting J.K. Rowlands. He just retweeted J.K. Rowlands finished her 90th fucking book, and he was like, this is a great day today. Because J.K. was like, I'm done. So fucking S.K. was just kind of like, love it. He's made a full fucking 180, dude. Stephen King's going all right.

He still bucks against fucking the dog. He still bucks against the sassy daddy. Stephen King might be a comeboy. True. He's bucks against the sassy daddy. Stephen King might be a cumboy. True. He's an edgy liberal, dude. Edgy lib? Yeah, he's a cumboy. Might be.

He was like a big counterculture head. So he grew up in the 60s counterculture. Now he sees, dude. Now he sees what counterculture is. Dude, it's literally inverse. In the roaring 20s. It's inverse, bro. Well, that's the thing.

It is inversed, at least in comedy. In media and comedy and all that fucking industry. The culture, the institution is very radical left.

Not very radical, but fucking very left-leaning. Yeah, for sure. Well, just following the demographic, right? They see the demographic shift that's going as people get older. So they're just kind of,

I think they're just following that around. But dude, that would, like, dude, the hippie commune now, if someone made that, people would be like, oh, this is cool. Yeah.

When you start doing that SPXX church, that's when people are like, that's the new Woodstock, dude. True. That's like, literally. True, they need to get Yeezy. Creed, we gotta do Woodstock, Creed, Yeanya that'd be tight yeah like whoa yes have everyone just like smoke cigars drink bud lights and just be like dancing in the mud oh man oh man dude i

had to read an article for school about the shift of the family dynamics over time like why it happened dude that was school dropped a fucking hot one dude people were not liking it there's about the shift of the family dynamics over time, like why it happened. Dude, that was, school dropped a fucking hot one, dude. People were not liking it. There's people who were like, I don't know, that article was kind of weird. I'm like, that's what you call the fucking non-bubble sources. That's them getting hit with the dark goblin, dude.

The dark goblin works both ways. Oh, for sure. He hits the left. The dark goblin hits the libs, dude. Oh, you get hit with some hard family data? Dark Goblin on 2016, he was feasting. Oh, dude. When Trump Daddy won, the Dark Goblin had a night, dude. He was going room to room.

Just people like, ooh. That's the true enemy. My political candidate lost. Yeah, dude. This article. Five months later, she was tied to a pedophile ring. And they're like, I didn't cry. Dude, yeah, that's true.

Yeah, you did. That's also something that like you got to keep going. What? If you're like, there's definitely like a Republican apparatus that's like, yo, fire up some more of that fucking child sacrifice shit. That rules, dude. If you're like a Republican and you're like, wait, what's going on? Well, it's funny that like, so the Democrats have been like fueled by calling people racist. Sure.

Recently, the Republicans have been fueled by like, yeah, well, you're a fucking pedophile. I know, dude, I know. Yeah, well, you fucking sacrifice shit to the devil. Oh, I'm racist? It's like, okay, dude, at least I don't fucking eat and fuck kids. Well, if we're just making shit up, I don't fucking eat and fuck kids. At least I don't fuck kids. Like, what?

Well, if we're just making shit up, you have a boat that you fuck kids on. You're a boy to them. Yeah, dude, that's a monumental, that's your boy. Be like, that's your boy, Epstein? That's not my boy. No, that's your boy. That's your fucking boy. You're on a plane, too. No, I just chill with the staff.

I don't even like him. Dude, the fucking article we had to read. The ultimate that's your boy. Oh, that's your fucking. You better check your man. Who, your boy Epstein? They hit Prince Andrew hard on that. Yeah, it was enough that somebody killed him.

It was enough people being like, that's your boy. It's not my fucking boy. I'm going to kill him. It's like my boys wouldn't kill themselves. I don't chill people who do that dude the so what was the article it was really

it was pretty fucking good the goblin was in there in the room he was just like yes yes yes so they broke down the reason the shift in families

like you know why now like the divorce rate spiked and like how like now there's like the nuclear family is no longer

more of a thing we're going more towards like a co-parenting thing where like it's traditional now well it's yeah it's more traditional than it was before of people to have like a dad stepdad stepmom that's becoming kind of more the norm but they're saying the thing that first started that or one of the things was just the move of global the global capital so when cap when people and billionaires were like you can go pay people 50 cents an hour and fucking bait or back then it's probably like three cents an hour then

the people like yeah you can do that because before is you're in your country you're doing your thing you would invade other countries and take their stuff like no no no we're not going to invade them we're just going to pay them no money and you know have all the jobs there so people billionaires or whatever we're like well that fucking rules they're like yeah let's fucking let's do that so So they did that. So you have the bottom of the labor pool. So you have, it was just poor black dudes. So you have poor black dudes who are just striving for jobs already.

And then all of a sudden, a lot of those jobs. Do you need a tissue? Huh? Do you need a tissue? I couldn't use tissue, yeah. A lot of those jobs go overseas. So they were the first ones to get hit with it. So, you know, poor black dudes. So they hit with it. So, you know, they're...

Oh, the black dudes. Poor black dudes. So they're sitting there and like, you know, you're trying to have a family. And then they took a derbs. Also, too, like the news probably wasn't covering the shit. So they had like the whole shit on lock. It's all hushed. And then you're a black dude and you're like, no, no, I'm telling you.

Like, there's no... I can't find a fucking job anywhere. The news literally still is not covering that. True. They are still. I bought new headphones today from Apple. Yeah. Or yesterday.

It's like made in Vietnam. And I was just like, there's no way that's a nice factory. Did you Google it? No, but I just was like, there's not like. God, dude, it's also probably annoying. They probably have it designed like an Apple store. It's all bright and annoying and they're just fucking. That's got to suck.

Yeah. So these dudes are like trying to have families and you know it's just resources are scarce so then like like black women would be like their mothers apparently would according this guy would instruct them to be like all right he gave he knocked you up hold off on the ring don't take a ring until he proves himself in terms of like getting education getting a job so then like this dude would be like all right i want you to be my wife and she'd be like that's kind of assumptive we'll see that's what that's what the guy said he received he said he did research and they were like that was the most common answer of their mom being like hold off make sure this guy's not a bum so then these dudes like no i'm telling you dude like they i

don't know where the judge was they probably didn't under like i don't know where the fucking jobs went but we just they're closing down so then so then obviously there's poor white people being like you didn't get filled with bum cum. True, dude. Exactly. Bum cum. Well, even if you did, you had to be like, well, I'm not just going to link up with you just yet until you prove yourself. So then you're a dude, and you're like, well, go fuck yourself then.

So then there's poor white dudes who are being like, look, I'll tell you what's wrong with you guys. You're lazy. And then globalization hit them, and they're like, god fucking god damn it. What the hell? There's no god damn jobs. They took their jerbs. They took their jerbs, bro.

Everybody's taking jerbs. they took their fucking jerbs so now there's this weird thing where like a whole level of the population has like are losing jobs that you know and the wages are kind of stagnating because now it's like there's no real reason to pay you more because they can just like well fuck you we'll shave your job off so then at the same time you have college educated people who are like a little more richer or like you know who are more rich and kind of like elite from like the professional class so at that time women were going to college a lot so then you had these so then you had these households were like the money's just diminishing then you have these other households were like doubling the dude has a job and then there's a girl who's going to college and she's wait the women turk or derbs the women took their jerbs dude yeah but the funniest part was, and this is according to this paper, that the women didn't need the money.

The guy made enough. You're already in the professional class. You're marrying into a family where this dude's just like a lawyer, doctor, manager, something. He was making enough money to sustain a family. And then women were like, well, I went to college, so I'm going to get a job. So then like the feminist movement, that push of being like well we should work too you know do your thing but the income was totally unnecessary so you just took income from you know i mean i guess kind of a bad unfair way to put it but they just took jobs unnecessarily so then not only did they have a job that someone

else could have had now they have more money than they know what to do with so that's what that's part of what kind of it was like globalization and then that like feminist push into the workplace of being like i should work too it's part of what created that big schism in terms of like stratifying the classes but so did he also include that's like a necessary thing what that that uh like that's a growing pain like when we finally include women in the workforce, that's, you know, there is going to be a couple, probably decades. Yeah, the author wasn't being critical. He was like, here's what happened. That's why.

Here's what happened. This is to my best. There's a zillion variables. Here's kind of what went on. But the funniest part is, and then he was like like these houses had so much money like they people didn't like most people didn't have that much expendable income yeah so now you have these houses that have like just so much fucking money that they don't need so then they just started advertising and selling more and more expensive shit and then being like oh cars are more expensive

houses are more expensive now pretty fucking wild yeah people were just kind of like this article was weird and it's like, all right. Yeah. It's a bummer to read history when your people fucked it up. Yeah. Or just to know things are complex, dude. Things are complex. What? The billionaires fucked up.

And then women were like, I want to work too. And it was like, by all means, knock yourself out. But now it's kind of like, well, that sucks. That was a shitty move. Yeah. Also, too, that's the other thing I bug out about. It's like like i'm real now i'm into like figuring out my budget how much money i do i need a month if i

can make that cool let me go do the stuff i'd like to do but to be like i want a job it's like what are you going to do with the money like what's the fucking end goal here yeah just being like i want to do that thing just point this is weird to just be like, I want to have that job. And then it's like, what the fuck? What's the point of the money just to have it? This isn't being like women can't work, but just for any. It's for anybody, dude. It's for anybody. It's like, what's your fucking goal with it?

It's like, I want to make a lot of money. It's like, to do what? It's weird. Living in the service, pure service of money is strange. Yeah. It's a strange thing to do yeah i'm a pure capitalist i understand it i get it do you really enjoy it yeah for sure you gotta work for the bread dude yeah i mean i'm money over everything you need money obviously now matt you're you need money but if you don't figure out i don't know what this university what

hippie dippy bullshit they're indoctrinating you with but you better be careful son yeah because you're straying from the path and the path is to get that quack. Of course, dude. Dude, I'm always fucking making my peace, bro, dude. Please. Always making my peace. But it's like you've got to have a plan for your peace. Of course.

Otherwise, you're a money slave. It was just weird to think of a bunch of people being like, I want to work, and it's like family doesn't... We're cool. We've got all the bills covered. Yeah.. And it's like, family doesn't. We're cool. We got all the bills covered. Yeah. And then it's like, what the fuck did you do with all the extra money? It's just weird.

Sure. It's weird to think about. That was what I was thinking about today. The ego ascension thing. How we're all just kind of like walking around trying to manifest our dreams into reality. Just like, oh, check it out. Check it out. Basically, us just walking, trying to kick the Charlie Brown football.

And it's like, well, fuck. It's like, I'm doing it. I got got it like those women's sports fails we were watching before the podcast we just tell you on youtube we looked at women's sports bloopers pretty great so fucking funny because we were watching regular bloopers yep and then a female blooper got into the regular blooper and matt was like oh my god women bloopers have to be hilarious yes they are they're great they're so much funnier than men blo god women bloopers have to be hilarious yes they are they're great there's so much funnier than men bloopers men bloopers is like a guy accidentally puts it in his own net like yeah still pretty athletically yeah yeah they carve it up women are like missing

the ball and falling down there was a full charlie brown on the kick there was it was so fucking there's several charlie browns there's one charlie brown that the goalie kicked it off another girl's face and while it was heading towards net, a girl on her own team ran over and just booted it straight into the net. It's like, oh, my God, dude. If you're in the crowd during that, it's got to be like, all right, I'm going to head home. Usually you're like, you know, they literally don't know what they're doing out here. But yeah, man, that's what I was tripping out on. I'm like, dude, that's the that's the missing piece.

If we go back to a survival game and that's all we're trying to do, that's the move. This is going to make you laugh. New part, new big chunk of my fucking sick-ass Special Olympics joke right now. Really? It's sweeping the nation. Just jokes about the first guy to come up with it and just being like, dude, imagine pitching that on Shark Tank for the first time. Just being like, Sharks, are you ready to see the funniest fucking thing you've ever

seen in your life? People get so bummed out. Every show's sweeping the nation every show yeah it's sweeping the nation people are laughing 80 80 to 90 percent hit rate and then the 10 that doesn't like it they let you know after the show every week i had these ladies this past weekend in the fucking cassini yeah come up to me afterwards and like, look, we love your show, bitches. They do it every time. Yeah. It's like, dude, you can't just pick which topic you're upset about and tell me about it. Yeah.

You laughed at everything else. Also, it's like. I don't know. I don't know. I could never. I don't know. That'd be wild to me to go up to somebody after a show and be like this is what I think you did wrong yeah it's pretty crazy

you shouldn't be talking about that like to approach me and say that yeah like not me sitting next to you at the bar

and be like what'd you think of the show then cool yeah but what's your argument like you don't have

to do that yeah just like well of course which is valid it's valid yeah you don't have to close with a 10 minute chunk on the Special Olympics

but just being like no that really hits close to home with a lot of people you know people that have you know the people that are parents of those kids

like what kids yeah like what what's wrong with those kids you can't razz them can't have fun yeah we're just having fun man that's true dude

that's a good point to be like I'm razzing I'm having fun razzing guys That's true, dude. That's a good point to be like, I'm razzing. I'm having fun. Razzing, guys. Yeah, that's a... Again, I've said it before. I'm laughing.

I'm having a good time. The moment I have a kid with fucking Down syndrome, I'm fighting any comedian who makes fun. Like, I've said that before. I'm Schrodinger's cat, dude. You're going to love... I'm in nine places at one time. You're going to love the jokes.

I always laugh, honestly. That's true. They love wrestling and tits. This guy gets it. And they're jolly. They're fun. I would laugh, honestly. They'd be like, that's true. They love wrestling and tits. This guy gets it. And they're jolly. They're fun. That is true, too. We'll let them freak out about it.

But again, if you're the parent, that probably geeks you out. Well, you've got to go home and tell them. You've got to see if they're pissed. Be like, hey, what do you think of this joke? You've got to wake them up out of their bed. Turn the basketball lamp on next to the car bed and be like you're 48 well again that's that's that's also a weird thing uh i don't know it's just kind of like i mean i guess you'd be upset but like why are you upset dude celebrate the little guy dude exactly celebrate

him in his totality exactly be like because i i get like dude that's gotta rock the fucking boat when you're having you're having a kid and it's like it's gotta fuck it's gotta be so fucking hard but it's like all right well this is gonna change my life this is what my life is now i gotta help this guy yep and that you know yeah it's got yeah it's a motherfucker for people to deal with psychologically but it's like should we you get positive vibes on it, dude. People are like, dude, this motherfucker's wild. Yeah. This motherfucker.

But it's not. I did a Special Olympics basketball thing. Everybody there is laughing. It is fun. They're having a good time. It is hilarious. Yeah. And they're laughing.

The kids playing are laughing. Like, one of them will just throw the fucking ball just straight into the stands. Yeah. And they're like, everyone's like, what are you doing? He's like, I don't know. It's like, great. It's so funny.

It is funny. That might be yours. You might have to go full volunteer, dude. I did. I did do that before. And it's great. I did it for service hours every year for my Catholics. Yeah.

In high school, we had to get service hours. I lied about my service hours. I used to lie. Fuck out. Every year. There's no way I would get them all. I made it. I lied about my service hours. I used to lie the fuck out of them. Every year. There's no way I would get them all. I made it up. I completely made it up.

I made up the fact that I was running a poker meetup for older men and then just completely lied and made it up. Yeah, that was... I was wrong on you. I would do like three hours, maybe. Yeah. And then just... It's not bad.

Yeah. But no, there was a basketball, a horse tournament. Did you ever hoop up with them? Yeah. It was a horse tournament. It was... Did you win hoop up with them? Yeah. It was a horse tournament. It was the funniest thing on earth. Did you play? No.

But the kids would be like, the one kid would do the same shot every single time and just go, I hate that shot. And then it'd be his turn again. He'd take the exact same shot and miss. I'm like, I hate it. So they did horse? Yeah. It was a horse tournament. I'm sure the whole association would be like, all right, we're doing actually pig.

Let's knock that down to pig. We're doing pig now. Well, now, because if you could make a layup, and a bunch of them could, you're flying through the competition. True. Yeah. One of them wore a full Allen Iverson uniform.

Was he good? In total, with sleeve. His name was Hot Sauce. Was he good? I think that was his actual government name. He had a sleeve and a fucking finger. You the finger band yeah i used to wear yeah he was rocking that and the other the other the kids were getting mean toward them they're jealous he thinks he's so fucking great really yeah that's what i want to know i would love to research like the depths of their sadness the peaks of their You see like when they get bummed,

that's gotta be a tough combo to have with the kid when they're like, I'm bummed. And you're like, come on, man. Sunshine up, brother. That's gotta be fucking soul. Louie and Burr both had some stuff on that. Really? I'll tell you when we're off air.

I don't want to expose the gods. Sure. Fucking hilarious. They're up on Olympus. They were just like. It was raining down. Thunderbolts. Thunderbolts on people.

Well, that's the thing, too. There's, again, you can sit there and be like, that's not right. You can't do that. But it's like, maybe we should explore this a little bit. Yeah, why? Yeah, yeah. Well, there's some good lines about exactly that. Yeah, let's fucking, let's explore.

Yeah. Maybe we should talk. But, dude, I'm reading a book right now about. I thought you were going to like the Shark Tank Special Olympics. I think it's hilarious. Just presenting that. Oh, I think it's fucking hilarious. Yeah.

Just having people be like, fuck no, don't do that. Like you're coming up with a special Olympics. Just saying, just saying. Sharks. Sharks? Are you ready for the funniest fucking thing you've ever seen in your lives? Let me present. But yeah, man,

that is funny. Again, I'm just, I'm about pushing the fucking, pushing everything forward. Dude, I love pushing boundaries. We're stuck, bro. We're pushing boundaries. We're pushing forward.

We're killing gods. Pushing forward, exactly. We're destroying gods and pushing boundaries. True that, dude. True. Where are we at time-wise? Let's switch it over.

Hour and 11 minutes. Yeah, let's switch it over. You doing hist page? Or is it going to be page page? We'll see. It could be a regular page. It could be a very short history page. All right, let's brainstorm.

All right. Oh, I should do dates before we go. Topgolf, January 31st, February 1st. Wow, I'm not doing the Topgolf. I will not be there. It's my day, dude. I'll be at the stand. Excuse me. It's my day. I'm not going to interrupt you. Excuse me, dude. I'll be at the stand. Excuse me. It's my day.

I'm not going to interrupt you. Excuse me, dude. You're exactly right, man. That's why I said no. They were like, do you want to take most of the time and all the money? That would be so tight if you would do that, honestly. If I did that, it would be so tight. No, no, seriously, I would enjoy that. If I only had to do 10, that would be perfect. 6th, 7th, and 8th. I think it's the 6th. No, it's the

7th and 8th of February. Comedy Works in Saratoga Springs. February 14th, the Grand Girard Theater in Toronto. Woo! Come out. I think it's like a mini festival or a festival there. They got Norman's headlining a night there. I'm headlining a night and Tim Dillon.

Fucking sick weekend there. That'll be fun. And then the... Oh, never mind. That's it. That's it. That's it for February. The rest is just fucking gay New York. What about Valentine's Day?

Valentine's will be in Toronto. Is it the 14th? Are we doing a show on Valentine's Day? Yeah. Yeah. Damn. You're such a player. You don't know what Valentine's Day is, bro?

Yeah. Damn. Bro. Shit. All right. Let's hit the page. Yep.