Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - The McCusker Family Curse
Episode Date: April 12, 2020Shane retook the throne of his family basement for a night and day to preach his good word before setting off on a cross country trek. Matt is, as always, dutifully within his personal basement hatchi...ng up some disruptive tech ideas, but joins his main dawg in lying down some plans for their Sick World Order
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What's up, bro?
What up?
You're back in the heartland.
I'm back home, dude.
Back in my mommy and daddy's basement.
That's a good feeling, dude.
I'm in my basement right now.
It's a nice feeling to be at mommy and daddy's.
This is where you podcast the best, dude.
This was the last...
Yeah, we did an episode down here.
I'm in that same spot.
It was cited by the press.
The press did say that we called southern soldiers so gay
can you believe it um how are you chilling dude i'm getting my um
my whole squad i gotta right now i'm point man for the whole squad jackson's got diarrhea
matilda's being generally weird so i gotta i have to my dog takes dumps diarrheas in my backyard drops piles basically you have to watch three days i've been on dump
watch being like come on drop just show me some kind of thing resembling like a proto turd because
when it turns when his diarrhea turns there's like it'll be kind of like slippery little slugs
i'm like just uh trust. I know about it.
I know when that diarrhea turns, what you're working with.
That's the light at the end of the tunnel, dude. I'm waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel.
That's why you're looking for the curve to flatten on the dog diarrhea.
Exactly.
You're trying to flatten that curve.
People are saying I'm too optimistic, too hopeful.
Bro, how great is our God, dude?
He's doing – my president right now is doing
a good job my president you can slander him all you want slander him all you want but our president
sorry he was optimistic sorry yeah sorry he wasn't some experimental leftist that's just trying to
get authoritarianism passed but we're not not going to let it. Facebook's already starting their tracers and stuff.
Facebook and Google are already like,
oh, we're already working on this thing to track people.
It's like, okay, guys.
You guys are tinkering on that, and that's all you guys do.
What are you talking about?
Dude, people are getting red-pilled left and right.
Yeah, man.
I was just talking to Claire.
She just got red-pilled.
She was like, I didn't know Bill Gates was such a bad guy.
I was like, phew.
She was like, doesn't Donald Trump say deep state?
I think he's trying to help us.
She got Trump's the white hat red-pilled?
No, she gets mad any time I give it.
If I give Trump a compliment, she spazzes out.
But she did say did but she did get
red-pilled hard on him saying deep state during like pressers and then she just found out bill
gates was shitty yeah bill gates is a bastard dude we need to knock his block off we've talked
about it before he's been going around like circumcising people in africa just all willy
nilly just yeah he's practicing eugenics on brown people
i don't like that that's what the elites love to do he is he is going into dong wakanda dude and
trying to mess with the the essence pure dong he's trying to go pure dong the mother dong
but as a computer dork it is that's a noble cause to be like a pent up computer nerd and then be like,
I'm going to destroy the dongs.
Like work your way from your garage the whole way to Africa.
No, actually. All right. I'm coming around on Bill Gates.
I'm talking my way into like,
so that's been a, cause that's Bezos is ultimate vision is like,
get us into space. Gates might be to like conquer the African dong.
The dark continent, the dong continent he's been having fever dreams since he was a young programmer dude he's like oh he wakes up like there was all my face it covered my forehead
bill it was an arabian gas mask down to my chin.
It was punched in the belly button.
I thought it was a triple chin.
It was the head of a dong.
It was there.
I swear to God.
I'm going to Africa.
I'm going to cut them up.
Damn, dude.
I didn't even think about it.
He might have had something to do with Kobe.
Bro, you think?
He did a TED Talk three years ago being like,
we got to watch out for horrible, like, you know,
transmittable diseases or whatever.
He's been calling epidemic.
This is a new terrorism, dude.
Nobody cares about ISIS anymore.
That died with, you know, the Clinton Foundation.
People were like, oh, yeah, those guys we were scared of
in the fucking desert on dirt bikes.
It's like, okay, we were kind of wrong about them.
Yeah, they do love whipping people into a frenzy and i'll admit
they got me they got guys on the dirt bike well i will say guys on dirt bikes are always a problem
by fucking weed whacker motors
you hear a light buzz around your town you know know you're in trouble, dude. On the distance, a couple of Yamahas come screeching up.
Some dude in a Lionel Messi jersey and a black scarf on his face
is going to kill a gay dude.
I heard there were gay men in this town.
That's so funny when they're like, all right, we got to get over there.
We got to hit the White House.
And they get on soil
And they're like oh shit a gay nightclub
They just can't fucking stay on task
There's no way
They're gonna fuck us up
They're gonna blow up the White House
They got like one
They got one retarded gay dude to attack a gay club
That's all they did
He got here
He's like what's the mission to attack the White House
And he was like Let me go see attack the white house and he was like
uh let me let me go see a gay bar i've been hanging out this club he probably let loose
dude was like i can't let this get back to anyone i think that guy was an american citizen
true true i think that guy was literally from like orlando it was just like one day it was like
i'm with isis yeah that was definitely a psycho. It's a good convert, though.
Yeah.
It's like Age of Empires.
They used one of those priests and just fucking turned one of our guys into theirs.
You know?
He just attacked.
They fucking got it.
All right.
Man, Isis still holds up and is funny.
I mean, they're nothing against the invisible enemy.
I mean, they're hilarious.
Hold on.
Is the invisible enemy COVID or is the invisible enemy the deep state?
You tell me.
It's all about the narrative spin, dude.
People argue like, oh, this is made up.
It's like, dude, all you need is one thing,
and then you can lie your pants off about it, and there's no repercussion.
Yeah.
Dude, when these numbers came out, when they were talking all this shit,
I was like, I just, dude, I don't see it, dude.
I don't think we're going to get hit.
We're not going to have the bubonic plague again.
I mean, hey.
Yeah.
Hey.
Look, we could be celebrating a little early here, dude.
This could be.
But we are officially announcing COVID is done.
On the podcast today, it's over.
You guys can go about your business.
Dude, they shut down.
Can you get in trouble for that?
Who's the guy who does London Real?
You know the Jack guy who always flogs the shirt off?
Brian something?
He's like, hey guys, just did a 47-mile hike here.
They shut down my David Icke video.
Did you see that guy?
No, I didn't even watch that.
I didn't watch the David Icke video either.
Do you watch London Real?
It's the guy who always wears a pinstripe suit.
No, he sounds great.
He's pretty fucking sick.
He wears a suit?
Every interview, it's called like, his name's like Brian something.
Every interview, you wear a pinstripe.
He wears a pinstripe suit.
So he's a classic man.
Classic, dude.
He's a classic, man.
Yeah, he's G-Denna, dude.
And now he loves, now he loves freedom.
He loves David Icke.
He did a David Icke.
His David Icke interview was fire.
I'll give it to him.
But it got pulled down. Now he's being like sanctioned and shit by london or whatever so now he just takes his shirt
off every morning just vlogs with like a selfie stick and he's like hey guys quick update i'm
worried about david ike he's so funny nothing like a good squint into the distance dude oh yeah
this dude this dude rules um dude we the fact that we're not doing shirtless
vlogs is killing us right now killing our numbers dude all right killing it we should start doing
like hey guys we just did like three sets of 10 push-ups uh my wrist hurts my wrist hurt on the
last one so i did seven i got a little tendinitis of the elbow from gym class.
It's flaring up again.
People are furious about the John McAfee interview.
I'm kind of worried about his safety right now.
True.
McAfee was saying, dude, we might have to run it back with Big Mac, dude.
We have to hit the Mac attack, dude.
He's been going against cronies day one.
He has.
He might be right about it about he might be the most right
i mean dude he's been i mean he knows everything obviously he's flying drones over
you know uh epstein's place so he knows what's going on i hear that heard that twice dude say
it again dude how you feeling man back from a mega all right man mega back from mega vacation and now the mega
vacation is going to keep rolling i'm gonna take a little rest stop at mommy and daddy's and then
tomorrow i'm gonna head out to stanhope's i'm gonna start driving to arizona tomorrow
what's your what's your safety plan in the parents house right now
uh you're as good as i just went upstairs and rummaged rummaged through the cabinets so
i might kill my parents because i needed some keebler cookies
i risked it all for a couple keebler elf cookies which ones el fudge yeah dude
you're about to risk my family for one of those little fudge wheels? No, dude. It was a classic EL fudge.
And I saw them and I was like, dude, they've had a good life.
True.
You need sustenance right now.
They get cronies from these EL fudges.
That's what happens.
Yeah.
I mean, they'll –
Yeah, I don't know.
I don't know what I'm going to do.
I'll probably eat dinner with them.
I'll probably sit at dinner.
Like, I mean, I don't know.
Maybe I won't.
Maybe I'll kill them if I do that.
It's a good time to kill them if you want'll kill them. Yeah. If I do that.
It's a good time to kill them if you want to kill them.
You could kill them right now.
Just murder them.
They'll count them as COVID.
If you murdered your parents right now, they'd, like, come in with, like, a head wound and be like, COVID.
One, two, four.
Okay.
Here we go.
COVID's breaking people's heads open.
Is my internet fucking up?
Is that happening to you?
A little bit.
It is a little bit fucking up.
Pause it up.
Let's jump.
We'll see if something.
Disconnect and reconnect.
Disco Rico, dude.
We're back in, dude.
I mean, it's Mad Max world, dude.
If you see a glitch, that's what it is right now.
There's nothing we can do.
Bro, the fight I had to have.
One of my eyes turns red.
It's like back in.
Sorry, dude.
Terminator.
The fight I had to have to get this fucking Wi-Fi. It's like back in. Sorry, dude. Terminating. The fight I had to have to get this fucking Wi-Fi.
It's incredible.
Every time I'm at this house, there is a guaranteed fight for what the Wi-Fi is.
No one here writes it down, and neither do I.
I probably should.
Is it like the one that came with the router?
Or is it like geyser password codes are easy to crack?
It's like Phil Gillisillis address birthday yeah well no it's usually my niece's name and her birthday gotcha
but there's some with my just my niece's name there's some with capital niece's name there's
some with my sister's name there's it's just like yeah the geyser they they do and i never
understand i mean i guess you're supposed, but use the same password for everything.
Just fuck it.
Yeah.
The only thing I ever have to remember is if it's capitalized or not.
Yeah, I have like one or two passwords that I just cycle through.
If it's not one, I'll just cycle through all my passwords and I'll get it.
My mom doesn't know the password to log on to her computer.
Say what?
You know, like the passcode for a user she does not know that so
if the computer like i restarted the computer last time i was here that was chaos for a week
she couldn't do work i mean it's and it's a fight and then she gets nervous because i'm you know i'm
not the nicest guy you're ticking so like you got the pin you got a pin out of the grenade look mom if i'm
trying to play total war on your computer in your office i need the fucking password
and then when i find out you don't know your own computer password i'm gonna get fired up you're
gonna have a salty son you're gonna start playing total war real real life i'm gonna bring a brigade
to her fucking gut dude i'm to punch her in the belly.
Yes.
How's everybody?
Happy to see you or what?
What's going on?
Yeah, they were happy.
I could tell they were happy to see me,
but it's just my mom and dad.
My sister is over at my other sister's house.
So that's good.
That's nice. Because she's the one who would definitely die.
Yeah, that's good.
Did they move her in the night
when they heard you were coming?
They must have, dude.
They heard the dirt bikes rumbling up from Virginia.
They knew I was coming to kill the sick women.
Oh, man.
Two weeks at a lake house is fun, but you really start to hate all your friends.
Yeah, you guys.
I mean, that's close quarters for a while, man.
We did turn it around.
The second week was better.
First week, there was some uneasiness about how long certain people were staying there.
And if they were, you know, two days or two weeks, I guess it's up to them.
Yeah.
That'll wear the group out.
Of just the uncertainty.
Just the uncertainty.
And then, you know whole it was a whole thing
could you blame could you blame anyone no blame for not want to leave the perfect fucking spring
slash literally no blame perfect spring spring slash winter excuse me no it was the perfect
spring dude it was it was warm out there it got out on the boat me and o'connie's had a nice we
had a nice late night boat trip dude what 2 What? 2 a.m., took some mushrooms.
We probably shouldn't have been on a boat.
Was it anchored or were you guys?
No, just cruising down the lake.
Wow.
Perfect still water.
Stars were out completely.
It was fucking incredible.
That's awesome.
It was so nice.
We took turns standing on the bow listening to music.
Oh, man, that's awesome.
Pretty gay in hindsight, but I woke up the next day.
It was one of those hangovers I was happy about.
That'll charge you up, man.
I was like, that was fucking great.
That's awesome.
Yeah, so we got that going.
I think someone's blasting music upstairs,
and I am about to fucking spaz on my mom.
Is it the Alexa?
Turn the Alexa off.
Yeah, it's my Spotifyify so i can fucking what you gonna hit him with every time she makes dinner she puts on some gay bullshit
like right now she's listening to carol king it's always carol king
because you've got a friend what should i fucking blast right now, dude? I mean, how –
What's the best, easier –
Skrillex is funny.
Skrillex.
I mean, if you go old school, DMX is pretty tight.
Project Chicks, pretty sick.
Five of O' Boys, dude.
Wobble, wobble.
Wobble, wobble right now on full blast in the kitchen.
Wobbleble wobble.
It's on. Hold on.
Oh my god.
You got wobble wobble playing?
It's so loud
they can't yell over the Alexa
to tell it to you.
Listen, drop it, drop it
Wobble, wobble
Yes
They're up there, they're getting nuts
I hear movement
Oh my god
So right now she's cooking and there's this blast
He's cooking, wobble, wobble
Blasting in the kitchen
They're screaming right now
Alexa
Alexa Not in my house
Alexa
Hi damn it
Oh my god
Yeah it's always fun
That's a nice treat
Mama I'm doing the podcast
Damn it
Dude that's in the words of every great podcast
I'm just kidding mom
Mom I'm doing the podcast
Mom I'm not ready for dinner
I'm doing the podcast
Brittany will shower
If she flushes the toilet or drains the bathtub
The water comes rushing down
I'm like Brittany stop taking a shower
I'm doing a podcast
Yeah this is
This is exactly where everybody would imagine me
yeah man you know triumphant basement triumphant um oh i'm gonna miss snl's uh
they're doing a show from they're doing a show tonight they're doing a live show
from youtube's like on zoom that'll be fantastic it's gonna be really good They're all playing Like they're gonna like
I mean
That show is great as it is
But you throw in a nice time delay
Oh yeah
We've got a hit
That's gonna be a good one dude
Fuck I wish I was on that
Mom
Dinner
Throw my dinner downstairs mom
Put the steak and mashed potatoes on the front step.
On the first step of the basement, I'll come up and get it.
If I see vegetables on my plate, I'm going to fucking spaz.
If there's not A1, if it's just Worcestershire, I'm going nuts, dude.
You could cough in her face, dude.
I'm going to go upstairs and spit on everything.
I'm just going to take a fucking leak on the kitchen table dude
oh you have to let him know you gotta um dude i uh i don't want to brag but i had a wet
dream first time in my life two days ago jizzed in your sleep yep first time in my life jizzed
in my sleep couldn't believe it couldn't believe it seriously couldn't believe it what were you dreaming about your wife unidentified it was unidentified sexual
object in my dream you ever do that which is a total mystery oh person but it's a mystery person
i have my theories on who it was i think it was probably some sort of spiritual entity but
uh and it was funny it was her i think it was her bro she was santa maria
she was cruel to me last my last deep dive she was cruel she was a what happened harsh mistress to me
why does she mean to you it was just wicked dude i i think it's really because i'm sleep deprived
i was trying to do deep dives on like a collective like where you got high and thought that you were
a loser no not not even close dude i i too close. Then how is she cruel to you?
Because usually, so you know when you get real stoned and your body just gets that like real weird kind of like vibrate-y feeling?
You know what I'm talking about?
I get like itchy.
See, I don't get, my whole body just feels like, it's not like hollow, but it's like everything's kind of like vibrating in a weird way.
Oh, yeah, I remember this.
Yeah, I used to try to fight that off. Now, that's maria's hole did i go into that and i went into it shaking
you around i went into it and it was just you know my thoughts were just totally disordered
and chaotic and just i said you bitch why did you do this to me fucking idiot bitch stop rattling
me and then she came back and i she let me prone the prone bone in a wet dream. Dude, it was pretty good. You did the proning?
Prone bone, dude.
Dude, I mean, you want to talk?
Oh, man.
Some good pussy.
And he fully jizzed in your sleep.
It wasn't a – it felt like it when I checked.
It was pretty calm.
When I checked, it was like a quarter load.
It was one – it was a pot shot, dude.
It was one.
It was just a quick –
And I woke up, and it was so funny. Are you moaning in your sleep? I don't know. It was just a quick and i woke up and it was so funny are you moaning in your sleep
i don't know it was just one quick as soon as i you know as soon as i got in a prone bone
you know it was over she squeezed one time i was in a hotel and kyle and six were in the other bed
we were on the road and i i you know i didn't jizz but i was having a sex dream and kylo
kylo was awake and just heard me laying there like oh yeah oh really sleep like nice no i don't think i said anything i was just like
it was all happening so fast stop itching my eye i'm sorry sorry i cannot dude my mirror neurons
triggered you when you did that i did it monkey see monkey dude my allergies my allergies got
wild wild yeah dude my eyes my
eyes were like crusted over when i woke up like full fucking i had hay fever bro you were ray
dude i had hay fever mama what's happening to my ass except there's no one there for me
just had to holler in the dark dude mama i did try to holler for my mom
i suck right now i'm sorry you're dude you're fucking what
you're talking about you're crushing but yeah dude i had a i won't immediately popped up as
i couldn't be true check my boxers i was like yes finally that bothered me i never had a wet
dream before i don't think i really ever had one i i get you know the pre-com occasionally
i think that's the most i ever got i it was always like a fight
type thing when i'd start having sex and either wake up or it would just kind of like i wouldn't
be able to do it dude yeah i think it's the fact that i've been sleeping in boxers ever since i
have a daughter i started wearing boxers when i sleep because i have to like be bows out of a
slumber and like burper and stuff and it just like don't don't you don't want dong involved in that
yeah you don't be holding your baby i've done it i've held her naked like carried her to a bassinet naked in the middle of
the night and i was like it's just weird i should keep i just gotta wear boxers nowadays what it is
dude i will you gotta cover your dong at all times it's covered basically you have a chastity belt
but i woke up with and i haven't like woken up with like boxer morning wood dude i i was like
giving myself a wedgie the one morning i woke up i was wooded out and it's my fucking boxer i bought i was like this fucking sucks dude
yeah oh you didn't like it i like that i don't mind a good boner in the boxers it looks good
a little boner wedgie no i but i was like i felt like i had like a minor wedgie i was like what
this is bizarre your dick was bullying you he's getting your lunch money dude
but yeah man that was tight so i you know i probably have
some sort of like i mean the fact that i've spread my seed into the cosmos is you know
i'm surprised it could be rewarding you with that prone that's what i'm saying i basically
have a demigod just floating around now half definitely half man half fucking santa maria dude
half man half fucking santa maria dude half man half weed edibles
oh fuck me dude yeah like i i was wearing dude one day we went on the boat i wore ski goggles
that's how fucked up my eyes were really yes you it was crazy you were can't hardly wait
partying had to with the tracksuit suit, ski goggles. It was sick.
It was actually pretty cool.
It's actually awesome, yeah.
I was actually like, before I even knew there were ski goggles,
I was like, I really wish there were ski goggles here.
I could dress like Riff Raff.
And then, of course, O'Connor just had ski goggles with him.
O'Connor's so white, dude.
He had ski goggles in his BMW.
He had ski goggles in his aunt's BMW.
I think they come with it.
I think there's not like a sunglass holder.
It's a ski goggle holder. It is.
If you get a BMW from your aunt, you get an instant pass.
You get a season pass to Killington and some fat ski goggles.
They were pretty fat.
Some ski blades. They were too big too big though i looked like an idiot they were for uh they were four of you were wearing a helmet
they were like huge they looked like vr goggles and i was sitting at the sitting at the front of
the boat while we were driving and other boats would go by and definitely be like that guy is
that's a retarded man like is he wearing vr on the front of that they thought you're virtual reality on the lake yeah
that could be a good move to go to a lake you go to like a nice like area and just vr out it might
be the sickest move you can possibly do yeah going on vacation and staying inside and playing video
games the whole time is actually the coolest thing you can do oh yeah like have somebody yeah
like if your parents are rich they buy like a nice place you just sit inside and play video games that's the move you are kink
video game at the beach is power move i have a cousin who did that constantly it would like
really we'd all go to the beach and he would just sit in front of the ps and chill and they
are what we're doing tonight i don't know why sick ass move i don't know why when i was a kid
i never even i couldn't even fathom taking the system out of my house.
Yeah, I didn't really try.
I don't think I ever moved a console once.
Yeah, I didn't think people had that idea back then.
Plus, with the Nintendo, you didn't want to jostle that thing.
The Nintendo, for sure.
You can't jostle it.
Yeah, that thing stayed.
You want to drill that thing like a safe into the ground, dude.
It's like, as soon as that thing moves, it's fucked.
It's over.
That's motherfucking bull. Oh, dude, I didn't tell you well i did i kind of i did tell
you this but i didn't tell you the full tale sprang into action last night after i almost
oh yeah bro i fucking spazzed what happened oh you you're in that early dad phase too where like
if somebody like ring and runs your house
I remember we got chased
Did you?
We rang and ran this guy's house
And he like
Ran
Sprint and got in his truck
And was chasing us
And I was driving
And he caught us
In this neighborhood
I didn't know the neighborhood
He's probably fighting
He's probably fighting with his wife
And then you're fighting with your wife
He got out of the car
And it was like
You know
Five high schoolers
He got out of his truck
And just I thought I was gonna get my ass beat By this dude He just fucking spazzed Again he had a kid He got out of the car and it was like, you know, five high schoolers. He got out of his truck and just,
I thought I was going to get my ass beat by this dude.
He just fucking spazzed.
Again, he had a kid.
He was like, I got a fucking kid in there, you motherfucking pussies.
He was probably just eating.
Sorry, sir.
Like a week, he was probably eating shit.
Just fucking every time his wife turned around, he was probably like.
And then someone rang the doorbell.
He's like, oh, you motherfuckers.
Perfect.
Dude, imagine someone ringing and running your house,
and then you chase them down in your truck.
I would have done it last night, 100%.
Wait, what happened?
I'm sorry.
Oh, dude, so hold on.
Coronavirus.
Nah, bro.
Coronavirus.
My whole family just got it and just champed it, by the way.
Really?
My dad, my mom, all of them.
Yeah, no big deal.
Dude, so last night, I don't know what's going on with the baby, dude.
She was, I think, having like cramps, some weird shit, a gas or something.
Usually goes to sleep at like 8 p.m.
Then we sleep at like 8.30 till like 11, wake up.
Dude, last night wouldn't go down till like 11 45 is just crying for those
it was party time three hour it was total party just staying up it was rumpus you can't stay up
that late absolute rumpus time dude and i'm like so i'm like come on fucking please i was like mad
i was like go to bed and just what it's the most confusing thing because it's just like
and you're like all right eat and it's like eats it's like all right so it's not that it's always like one of four things and you do all four things and it
still cries you're like well what the fuck man yeah there's nothing you can do so finally i put
her down dude it's like a whole art to it i'm like rocking her doing all this stuff you know
patting her back finally she goes and i put her down and when you put her down my hands on her
head and her stomach i just i hold her like that while she's down until she falls asleep again.
Cause when you put them down,
they wake up again.
So dude,
this is like a 30 minute work in progress of like putting this,
putting her to bed.
And it's pretty,
cause you're like,
you know,
it's fun.
You get into rhythm,
you get good at it.
All I put her down,
I get into bed.
I have,
I have a sleep mask cause we have to have like a nightlight on in our room
now.
So I have a thing cover my face.
That's why my hair is always sticking out too.
Is my sleep masks.
Keeps my hair is ridiculous. i don't even know it looks fucking
good dude we don't know i'm going like bald and then just in the top of my head my hair just goes
straight up that's how you do it just is bald and straight up spike dude it's a spike it's a
natural spike i'm a natural guy fieri dude i have a natural fieri going you gotta floss your tips embarrassing i maybe i will
i was thinking about getting wild with the hair i need a haircut i might just shave might just
shave the sides leave the bald middle up top that's a fucking tight move that'd be sick dude
that'd be really sick we'll see what happens i was thinking this summer of just buzzing it all
off dude i'm either growing it long or just buzzing it keep it dude grow it long get that mullet again dude the mullet looks fucking tight
now i think i have no other choice dude that's my other thing too i you know after last night i've
been thinking about this beforehand i i have to get jacked for my daughter and i should probably
have long hair too but i i just i have to get fucking this jack i know i i have to get jacked
as well dude it has to be done it's too too late. I'm getting too shitty and soft and gay.
Now or never.
You should do it.
I need to get jacked.
If you got fucking yoked, it would be unbelievable.
I need to get – maybe I'll get yoked.
See, it's funny.
I was like, nice, dude.
I'll take a month at Stanhope's.
I'll get yoked down there.
Bro, I'm going to booze for harder than humanly possible for a month.
You can still get yoked and boozed.
You can get yoked and boozed.
I don't know if I can.
Yeah, I mean, I couldn't.
I don't think I'll stand up if I get hammered every day.
Stick to the edibles, dude.
Go down there and conquer the Dark Goblin.
Just do edibles down there, dude.
The edibles are gone, bro.
He's got some.
Yeah, he's probably got some. He's got some wild edibles down there dude the edibles are gone bro he's got some yeah he's probably got some he's got some wild edibles i think i bet right on that mexican border
yeah just go down there and just pop blue chews and work out you'd be fucking
yolk that's true i could just get my dick hard and just do like 10 push-ups a day
just be yoked when I come back, dude.
Oh, dude.
So last night, so I finally, she's finally started sleeping.
I'm like, yes.
I get into bed.
Sleep mask is down.
And I hear, start, they're lighting fires.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, and I have this, there's like a field next to my house.
And I'm like, it's like in the middle of the city.
And there's like this vacant field that they can't, they haven't been able to build on for a while because all this bullshit
so you know people bring their dogs there there's like professional grade fire i hear the first one
i go motherfucker whatever then i hear a couple more and i'm like oh no slap on the dude i'm
wearing the same shit right now slap on the west watson dude they saw this they were scared
wait you have a west watson hoodie on billy bought it for me for christmas gp life dude slap i slap on the watts dude slap on the sweats and i take obviously take
the sleep mask off and i let i like t2000 walked like the guy who chases term i think michael
myers fast walked saw the one i thought there was gonna be little kids i thought these are gonna be
like fucking 15 year olds i come out it's like a dude my age being like i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm like dude what the
fuck are you doing he was like i don't we're done we're done we're stopped we're done so i'm like
following him to his car just calling him a pussy and a retard for like 500 feet like you're a
fucking loser you're a retard get the fuck out of here and you know i'm saying i'm spazzing dude
because i went from like just fighting with my bag not even like fighting just like the you know you're trying to put a kid
down she's like what and i'm like hey try this i'm like fucking christ i'm fucking this every
time yeah and then so i'm like i come out i'm like i'm gonna kill whoever this is i don't care
you know they're just they're gonna get the wrath regardless so i'm i'm like, I come out. I'm like, I'm going to kill whoever this is. I don't care. You know, they're going to get the wrath regardless.
So I'm like spazzing, dude.
And I like kind of like fast walked to this dude where he was like, what the fuck?
And there was like, and it was kind of dark, so I couldn't see.
Damn, he could have hit you with a Roman candle, though.
You were risking.
I would have ate it.
Brittany was like legitimately scared.
She's like, dude, you don't know who this is?
And I was like, Brittany, I'll die right now.
I've just taken two hours to put this creature to sleep. You not making it any easier who's willing to die dude who's willing
to die in the fight they stood they smelled it i walked up on like six dudes and they i mean dude
my trying to be a fucking badass they scattered because it was like i chased the one dude down
and was like what the fuck are you doing you're a fucking loser get the fuck out of here he's like
all right man i'm sorry and then all of a sudden what did he say to you just he said he said anything else
just apologize no no smart he just apologized no back talk no back talk doesn't flip he was
trying to be he had a little attitude i'll give him that he was like it's friday night man and
i was like dude you fucking loser shut the fuck up and then you just the whole time just killing
him and then i he walked what do you look like are you talking fucking fish town hipster yeah he looked like a
fish town hipster who like worked at the mechanic shop and nobody wanted him there he looked like
his uncle was a mechanic and he would oh see no he was he had like uh he looked kind of like a
like a real real shitty john snow he looked like john snow a real, real shitty Jon Snow.
He looked like Jon Snow mixed with the weird guy from Girls
who fucks the main character.
That's every single hipster in Fishtown.
Yeah, it looks like Jon.
Donald Driver mixed with Jon Snow.
You know, I'm talking about the Darth Vader dude,
like Darth Vader's cousin or whatever.
Him mixed with Jon Snow.
Adam Driver.
Adam Driver, yeah.
I love that guy.
He's a good actor for sure.
Met that guy this year. Did you really?
Last year. What's his deal?
Good boy? Nothing. He was just studying
Bill Burr. That's cool.
I followed this guy. There's no story.
I just saw him. Sat next to him.
I was like, dude, Kylo Ren rules.
What'd he say?
He said, thanks, weirdo.
She's like, do you actually smash?
What her name?
Dude.
Do you actually smash a chick?
Do you actually think she's hot?
You should have asked him.
Yeah.
Hashtag, is she hot?
What's her name?
Lena Dunham.
Lena Dunham?
Is her name Ren?
Dunham.
Oh, Lena Dunham.
You're talking about girls.
Lena Dunham's hot, dude.
How dare you?
How much did they pay him, bro? For that smash scene? friend donald oh lena dunham you're talking about girls lena dunham's hot dude how dare you how much
do they pay him bro for that smash scene i'd i'd you'd have to pay me more that's like yeah that's
what you have to pay like i'd rather be i'd rather be in behind the candelabra he should have got
more credit dude he should have he's like right now yeah like we should have treated him like a
first responder dude like you you ran in there when no one else would, dude.
You're like a 9-11 firefighter.
Yeah, Matt Damon probably shuffled.
It was like, girls, I'll blow Michael Douglas.
Michael Douglas is a jizz.
I'll give Michael Douglas a hand.
You're like, do I want a million bucks for being on Girls
and pretending to buttfuck that lady?
Or jerking off Michael? It'suck that lady Or Jerking off Michael
It's like I'm jerking off Michael Douglas
I think he like rode out
He like straddled Michael Douglas
I didn't see it
That's the inside scoop of Hollywood I need
Did Michael Douglas get hard
When he was on top of him
I say yes
If somebody's grinding on you like that
I bet he got hard
with matt damon on his riding him that's a weird he's been getting that fucking katherine zeta
jones pussy for too long dude he needed to switch it up true and then he got i think he got throat
cancer like immediately after what after he did that movie yeah wow I'm just saying. God, we're –
You got to get dirt bikes, dude.
We are ISIS.
Oh, dude, I didn't –
God killed him.
So then I'm like – I'm walking, just talking shit to this guy,
following him as far as I can go, and then I see fireworks go off again.
His pals, dude, were up in that.
They were still at it.
I did a full probably 50-meter sprint towards like six dudes,
and, dude, they fucking scattered i was like
fly flew dude i'd scatter i dude i would too i was i was terrified i was a new i was a menace
so i scattered i ran chase them that was like a grand theft auto level like where the civilians
are already running for some reason yeah i remember that i would always bother me i go out
like try to kill people there the whole block's already sprinting you gotta chase them i was gta last night dude then i tap an x as hard as you
could you're like you motherfuckers i'm gonna catch you they ran through i had to like stop
they ran into this house all right inside and there was a girl outside and i was like
i was like dude tell whoever's in here to stop fucking lighting fireworks and they were like
the girl's like there's no all drunk and shitty and i was like shut the, tell whoever's in here to stop fucking lighting fireworks. And they were like, the girl's like, there's no, you know,
all drunk and shitty.
And I was like, shut the fuck up.
You retarded.
Dropped a lot of retards.
Dropped a lot of retards at people.
Yeah, that was, that was getting thrown around a little willy nilly at the
lake house and I didn't like it.
Really?
People were using it.
I was using it.
They were using it in the morning.
I was trying to get coffee and somebody was like fucking coffee machines made by retards and i was like all right whoa let's
let's slow down with the retards i was using it in anger first of all you're using it they're
using it wrong yeah you're using it anger is correct you were using it to hurt people yeah
dude speaking of retards how about louis special still haven't seen my favorite that's like my
favorite bit i mean that's telling
an old retarded guy be like hey you're not retarded anymore all right that well did you
did you cure it no we're not even working on it no we're not even working on it dude we're just
not calling you that that's so funny yeah dude i'm i'm i'm very mad about the uh girl on the front porch talking shit see i mean
they all dude i was looking at the house there was people on the second floor peeking out these
were people my age peeking out of the house looking down while i was like telling their
girlfriend i was like these guys are fucking losers you're a fucking loser and i was like
kind of almost about to cry i was so mad so i was like and i was out of breath fucking feather and then i like and then i saw the guy who i chased the other way
come back in the house and i walked away and walked back to him he's like dude and i was i
just saw the address i said all right i got the address i'll be ringing the doorbell tomorrow
morning at 6 a.m sharp boys dude he was like i don't even live here i was like i don't give a
fuck i'm gonna start bothering you guys.
You should have told them you were going to kill them.
I was – when I got back, I was like, I will –
you know when you think of stuff after the fact?
Of course.
I was like, I will definitely – I will light fireworks inside your house
if you guys fucking keep doing this.
I'm going to throw – I'm going to bomb your house.
That's what was wrong with my house.
I think that's what happened in Philly, the move house.
They were setting off fireworks.
The Philadelphia police were just like, all right.
You guys want fireworks?
You guys want fireworks?
We're going to drop a book bag of C4 off a helicopter
and blow up a house full of people.
Yeah, dude.
So it's on right now.
I walk past.
I do recon every day, just today.
Walk past the house, scope it.
Wow. It's the house, scope it. Wow.
It's still on, bro.
Damn, their quarantine sucks.
Dude, first of all.
They got quarantined, and now they have a retarded guy,
an autistic man in a sweatsuit,
walking past their house every day,
trying to kill one of them.
That sucks, dude.
Like an autistic shark, dude, just circling the block.
Just an autistic great white, like, possibly in the area.
Yeah, I circled it today and was looking around.
I was like, I hope I – I remember all of them.
So I'm like, I can't wait to see them and be like –
That girl is like the mayor in Jaws.
She's like, the fireworks are going to continue.
And the people are like, no, there's an autistic great white out here.
He's coming. There was a dude outside when i was walking home there was a guy who was like two doors down in his driveway just watching it all and i walked when i was walking home he just like
gave me a look and was like fuck yeah good i was like you handled your business dude handle your
business isn't that the worst that fucking emotional like with your voice starts to
slightly crack while
you're fired up like that i couldn't even get my kids age i was like i have a six month old
five week uh you guys are fucking assholes you're fucking dude i was i was like about to cry i was
so angry and i was so out of breath and i was like genuinely stumped i was like i think this
is the house i might be screaming at the wrong house then i saw the guy look down i was like
you motherfucking missy it was yeah was. That's a tough one.
Yeah, I stayed up for an extra couple hours.
So I didn't get any sleep last night.
I was up fucking Rambo, dude, after.
You were fired up.
I was eating peanut butter rice cakes at the kitchen table.
I was like, bae, leave me alone.
That's the one thing, dude.
That squashed everything.
Bae immediately was like, hell yeah, dude.
Oh, nice.
Bae supported your actions?
Oh, big time.
You were treated like a hero.
Yeah, a hero is welcome, dude.
I came home, three peanut butter rice cakes with bananas on them some milk what else what else do you need dude
that's just a sweet treat from your baby at night i mean dude she saw she saw what was good she saw
her warrior out there like my fucking she saw me like cry sprinting in the field be like
dude i had i had uh i had that battle i was telling you about on the drive here be able to be like, Dude, I had
that battle I was telling you about on the drive here.
What do you think of that?
Yeah, man. That's quite the situation.
Alright, so I'll explain it.
She's a nice lady.
O'Connie's lady was with us.
One of the turds women.
She's got a new flame.
She's got a nice flame going and uh
the drive back they were gonna drop me off here in mechanicsburg and then kept going to
philly um she sat shotgun and they put me in the back that's fucked up what's the rules on this
so now if they were like together for a long time, I think it.
I don't know if they were married.
It changes.
Yeah.
I mean, your bae should offer.
Your bae should take.
Bae needs to not only.
Baes need to demand a backseat.
Exactly.
That's just women's rules.
It's hot, dude.
That's hot to me.
I was, dude.
I was thinking about it in the car while we were driving i was like damn
my ex used to like make you sit in the front yeah i remember it's a role it's what the bay
needs that's just a good hometown central pa bay though yeah central pa girls know the rules
we got this uppity city chick sitting shotgun i'm in the back yeah i mean just dude just from
a fucking like tactical perspective
you should be shotgun in case anything pops off i need out i need to honor it's named for
exactly you should honor they should honor that they should honor the american tradition of
sitting shotgun well what was the rental situation the rental situation was a different car that
wasn't ours so we drove up in the that was ky Kyla, Sonia, and Beezer. Didn't you supply the house?
Oh, I paid for, yeah, everything.
That's shotgun, bro.
I mean, that's shotgun.
It was enough that O'Connor felt shame for his family, dude.
It was very –
Really felt dishonor?
He felt this very dishonor beer.
He offered me the keys to drive in front of her.
That's a good out.
That immediately puts her in the back.
I mean, if he – oh, yeah.
That's kind of indirect, though.
If he had been like, yo, let me, you know, hop in the back there.
She would have loved it, dude.
If he had relegated her to the back, like, yo, backseat's a little more roomier, babe.
Go stretch out back there.
This is a new – I don't know.
It's a tough one.
This is a new relationship don't know it's a tough one this is a new relationship that's this is like a you gotta you gotta get her in the back there
i mean dude now this uh this put me into a so this was this morning when we had to we had to
pack and leave yeah for some reason airbnbs you always have to leave at 10 a.m hate this it's a ridiculous rule but
had to pack and all that stuff so i was awake at 9 a.m i was not excited man that's too early oh
man i was a cranky man already you're already having a tough time well thankfully i planned
ahead and only i went to bed at like two totally sober had a nice night but um yeah i i saw her put her book bag in a shotgun
while we were like bringing stuff out to the car and i for the next 20 minutes while packing i was
livid did you move it i should have been like oh i'll get this in the back for you it's gotten
or you should do that's a sick move of like i just took me back to like
going to like the mountains and stuff my family when you're packing and like somebody just like
five minutes left to pack and just honkers down what are you doing we're not done packing yet
so shut up grab the bags that would have been the move if you had just been it was a good move i'll
give her that she but it was a she claimed it and i you know I had to come to terms with –
it was a real tormented –
it's confusing because a part of me was like,
I should be sitting there.
And then the other part of me was like, you're an adult.
Yeah.
It's weird for you to be upset about who's sitting where.
Where did you end up sitting?
I was grappling with those two.
I sat directly behind her and just fucking...
Any kind of seat?
Did you give her any seat pressure?
I need the fucking...
Dude, are you kidding me?
It was like when someone reclines
on a train or an airplane.
I was fucking...
The whole time, I was like...
Acting like it hurt my knees.
You usually gave her like a double head,
just a double energizer
just like right to her temples, dude.
Hit her with the Frankenstein charge, dude.
Just like a mafia hitman from behind, just fucking.
Yeah, I was.
A double donkey, dude.
Damn, that would be fucking, if I'd like actually double slapped the sides of her ears.
If I slapped, if I fucking punched her ears and just spazzed, I was just like, you have fucking shit in the front.
Stop the car.
Let me out.
They called him half an hour later like, you guys, come get me.
This is ridiculous.
I don't know, though.
I think I'm right on this.
I mean, it's a – that's a tough – I mean, again, I think the only thing you can do –
the only thing O'Connor can do is feel ashamed.
Just shame in that.
He did.
Ashamed.
It's just kind of like, damn, this is wrong.
He saw me see her put her book bag in the front seat and heard me laugh.
And he was like, fuck.
Fuck.
I'd be bugging.
I'd hate to be in that position.
That's a tough one.
She's nice and smart enough.
If you were sitting in the back, she'd be like, what are you, fucking 12?
I mean, are you sexist? I'd be like, what are you, 11?
Come on, get in the back.
She'd hit you with the sexism.
Yeah, I'd be like, yeah, I am.
Get in the back.
This is one of the last true American sexisms we are allowed to still have
women sit in the back when there's men
that's just how it goes dude i mean i just rosa parks me she rosa parks me
hard really yeah she sat in the front i was
in the back i was like i should be up there
that's true i was like you need to get up
who's rose i'm trying to decipher who's rosa parks in this scenario right now That's true I was like You need to get up Wait Who's Rosa
I'm trying to decipher
Who's Rosa Parks
In this scenario right now
She's Rosa Parks
She sat in the front
I thought you were saying
You were
No I was an angry white
You're an angry white
I was an angry white down there
Just like
What's she fucking doing up there
This is defying societal roles
Oh my god
But
Yeah so that was all day
That was And then you know O'Connor's car is
a piece of shit that has no like the the audio is destroyed you can only listen to the radio
how's bae how'd bae deal with that she had some questions early on about the sound system
oh it's gonna be fixed bro that's gonna be it's in the shop right now it's in the shop as we speak
dude no but she's a good bae I don't I don't want to shit on her here but that was uh of course not
dude but you know what i mean that's something we got a tough call it's a tough call i mean all
you need to see the whole time making the most uncomfortable ride i need to see for the first
for longer than i should have did you for a while and then i realized i don't think it was doing
anything my knee actually started to hurt you were giving her knee to the't think it was doing anything. My knee actually started to hurt.
You were giving her knee to the seat?
Yes, I was doing that.
Did she say anything?
Didn't say a word.
Dude, it was a – there's no way she even knew that there was a battle going on,
but there was a wild battle.
I was fucking furious, dude.
Oh, my God.
And then I spent – we spent a good like 45 minutes of me talking
about how sick trump was and both of them so you're doing a psyop so you're doing a
going i was getting after whatever i could to try to fight the people in the front
yeah dude i was back there like yeah because i was just
sorry i'm just thinking like the last knee to the back and be like ah shit and sitting and being
like i think trump's handling coronavirus pretty good just that one minute break of like all right
what's next it's a box of horrible stuff i was texting uh mullen and mullen was giving me the
rundown i was like yo i'm fighting with fucking gay ass liberal people.
Tell me what to say.
Because he knows what to say.
Yeah.
I'm an idiot.
I can't back it up.
O'Connor is tough to debate in this because he follows it,
but he only follows like extremely Democrat news.
He's very like, I'm like, what did Trump do that's bad?
He's like, he fired the, you he fired the pandemic response team that we need.
And I was like, we need it, but it started under Obama?
How did we make it?
How did we do it as a country?
How did we get the whole way to Obama without a pandemic response team
that we're paying to just fucking sit there?
Maybe I'm paranoid.
It seems strange that all of a sudden there's this pandemic response team started last election.
I was trying to Google, like, because it's every four years.
Is there, like, some sort of catastrophe that happens right before?
Dude, the fact that this is.
There's one every year.
There's one every year.
It happens every year.
Like, this is, like, for this to happen right now.
Not, there's, obviously not.
There's nothing this big every year.
But every year, every two, three years, there's like a swine flu, avian flu.
Yeah.
Just, you know.
SARS.
MERS.
SARS, yeah.
SARS, not SARS.
SARS, not SARS.
SARS.
SARS.
What are they going to do when it comes out to the fact that
COVID
China
China
It is China
What are they gonna do when they don't get the numbers they wanted
When they don't get the fatalities
They needed to be right
The left will
Now this is Mullen put this in my head today
So it is correct
If he says something like about politics That's totally true He's learned it The left will... Now, this is... Mullen put this in my head today, so it is correct.
Yeah.
If he says something about politics or something,
I'm like, that's totally true.
He's learned it.
I think he... He's an autistic great white as well, dude.
Dude, he's been circling the news.
Circles.
Yeah, he was just...
He was just...
Because they said, I guess, the projections,
the death projections are getting lowered to, like, 60,000 total.
Or, like, by August, which is when it's supposed to be kind of winding down.
And it's like, those numbers are four times lower than what everybody was freaking out and projecting, even with social distancing.
So, basically, what the left will do is pretend that this shit didn't have like
the reason that it we only had low numbers was because of them if they wouldn't have stepped
in and helped trump would have killed a million people so if it wasn't for people being like um
so we got to wear masks and we got it if it wasn't for upspeak we all would be dead
yeah if it wasn't for condescending cocksuckers.
Who else saves the day other than condescending pussies?
That's all we are now.
Yeah, that's true.
Well, that's, dude, I'm telling you, man.
We hit, so we're projected to hit flu numbers.
And they're going to be like, well, it's because we stayed inside.
Otherwise, millions.
It's because we did what we did.
It's like, no, dude, that's.
We all went food shopping.
Sweden.
Look at Sweden.
Yeah, what's up with that?
Sweden.
They just didn't do shit.
They're like, look, we trust our citizens to use precaution.
They kept bars open.
They kept everything open.
And they're fine.
And they're doing just as good as anybody else.
I mean, there's no real difference.
I think I said this before.
Imagine being in another country
And we're like people are banded together
Over like everyone
Who's already kind of jacked up getting
Sick and dying
It's like yeah dude
Yeah like this is killing our
85 year olds with stage
Four cancer and it's like other countries like
You have 85 year olds
What
We have 85-year-olds? What?
We have 85-year-olds.
Yeah, I just don't – and again, if you – that was – that was funny. It didn't even make any sense.
Dude, and then – well, you could say they're killing 85-year-olds.
There we go the um yeah and then it's like if you
are you show the symptoms and you're not like super old they don't they're they tell you like
no no no we don't we don't we don't need to test you it's like what gives
i don't know man i'm just glad today's the first day i've felt like all right this thing's gay and it's over
yeah and they're like this is gonna be the worst week it's like bro i'm at my mommy and daddy's
eating steak is this bad you tell me if this is bad because right now covid's treating me pretty
well yeah dude hurting you know what i mean it's hurting our pox it's not hurting my pox
true well the stand-up stand-up is hurting a lot but you know that's
most of my that's a good chunk of my revenue there but whatever but yeah man it's uh some
bullshit dude i think in i'd say not for eight years from now two elections from now after trump
maybe two elections after trump i think second term oh yeah i mean the trump dynasty
i think there is going to be a party like a almost like a tea party that is going to
actively platform on wrangling pedophiles uh adrenochrome there's going to be like a
yeah that's going to be a political party the q and on people are going to grow up
yeah that's gonna be a political party the q anon people are gonna grow up yeah i do think that's gonna be like a real political force coming up
of like the deep state that's that's not gonna go away
that's the future of the republican party like battling the deep state
which is pretty tight yeah that's a tough party for me to decline
and say no to because that's a sick political party i'm joining that
political party 100 as soon as that's released that they're like we're just our main goal is to round up
pedophiles and uh you know make sure corporations don't control our personal data i mean 5g towers
we got to get rid of those they spent they sent a documentary around you see a documentary went
around the group chat of the uh no i didn't get to watch it stuntman who went rogue and started investigating all the freaks in hollywood it was pretty good
it's pretty good they go into how like disney used to do like disney did straight up war propaganda
and the question is is like you think they stopped when do you think they stopped doing that and why
and it's like i don't think they did dude it's like if you what do you mean so so disney would they have like things from the 40s of
disney doing like you know i think it was like taxes destroy the axes the axes power whatever
so they were doing things like there was entertainment that was specifically supposed
to rile people up for civic causes and it's like the question is like has that ever stopped
i don't think it has but then when people get weird about the conspiracy stuff it's like
what are the what are the things that they have done since that i think like the black like the
timing of like black hawk down movie stuff like that of like when it's time to rally the troops
it's like all of a sudden there's these you know and i i think that's the case i think that does
happen i think there's probably i don't yeah i don't even think that's a conspiracy that's just like hey i think we can make some money there's a lot of patriotism
right now after you know fucking 9-11 let's let's put it out flight 93 well it's not even the
conspiracy is that there's people other than purely profit-driven filmmakers who get to say
who get the green light what like who get to say like you know slide a script down like say there's
somebody in the cia who gets to talk to like a Harvey
Weinstein,
who's probably compromised and be like,
yo,
we need this one.
You think the CIA is in cahoots with the tightwads?
Yes.
So to speak in a fit in so many words.
Yes.
In terms of,
I do believe that it's like they,
they could be like,
yo,
we need this,
we need this movie to come out now.
But the,
and again,
that's my opinion.
We need Nicholas Cage to be in nine 11. need this this movie to come out now but the uh and again that's my opinion dude we need nicholas
cage to be in 9-11 do it we need nicholas cage to find the stuff at the liberty bill get it yes
but the uh this is this is my with the conspiracy stuff it's like so we get to rule the world on
overt strength and military force,
which at the end of the day, you need to kill people in order to rule.
So the people who are the best at killing,
for some reason people don't think they would manipulate minds and propagandize.
It doesn't make sense to me.
It's like one thing we accept that will totally go and devastate a country for oil,
but we're not going to lie and propagandize.
I don't even think
it's i don't even know if it's lying i think it's just a hundred percent what is i don't even think
that it's a conspiracy dude i think that's just what i don't think there's anything conspiratorial
about that i think it's just like it's as i'm saying it's not but if you if you're you know
if you were to take let's say o'connie's he'd be like nah dude we're in a total democracy we vote
we have the senate and the senate has the house and the house vetoes the things and sends them back and if everybody agrees it's like yeah
chris is a punk ass dude that's what i'm saying mark ass bitch dude he doesn't understand
dude we're ruled by people whoever has the best killing stuff rules wins everything yes so
when you say like all these people who kill to maintain power you don't think they lie and
steal and do what like the other ones too like what the fuck it's crazy the crazy to be like no
they vote and my vote matter it's like okay dude i'm sure it fucking does yeah i think you control
tanks with your little button pushing dude you want to get the fuck out of here please come on bro grow up grow the fuck up grow up dude
this dude everyone's america america is just a business bro it's not this beautiful democracy
it's a fucking corporation bro this is america this is just a business i'm camo pill keep that
in mind i watched uh i watched uh killing himself night, and that's how it ends.
What?
Brad Pitt giving a speech about,
fuck Thomas Jefferson, America is just a business.
I'm here to get mine.
What was TJ saying?
It wasn't?
No, he was like, Thomas Jefferson was a fraud.
He's a fraud.
He wrote all these really beautiful words that men went and died for,
and then he went back and fucked his slave wife.
He's a fucking liar, dude.
All men are created equal.
Please.
America's a business, dude.
That's what Brad said.
That's what Brad Pitt said.
Dude, obviously.
In the movie.
Brad Pitt fucking rules, dude.
I support Pitt.
Yeah, that's true.
I believe anything Pitt says.
The only thing that would make me like him more is if he joined the
incredible tandem of Vince Vaughn and Mel Gibson.
Vince Vaughn and Mel Gibson rule so hard, dude.
I mean, do you think it's ever possible that the people are going to switch their opinion?
You think four years from now, Hollywood will make you have Trump rules?
No.
Never.
They're purely in the Democrats.
They're Democrats.
True.
They are a part of the political party.
It's like their strongest weapon.
It's just like celebrities.
It's cool celebrities.
I was thinking about this recently, too, how even if you take away the Operation Mockingbird and all that stuff,
what I really thinkwood is is just
sponsored by like tide and downy where it's like they just are like all right come on get nascar
moving keep it one of those celebrities is nascar they might as well start wearing those sponsors
it's just to keep our eyes on like like tom hanks should just have a giant clinton foundation thing
across the back of his suit it's time he's on the red carpet.
It is funny.
Saudi oil sponsors.
Zoe DeChanel.
China sponsors.
Did you get into the WHO?
Like the World Health Organization?
How they're now calling for people's heads?
Just China.
Because they were just like,
the head of it was just kind of like,
I don't know, dude. China kind of rules shut up dude someone was kind of some of them are like hey i mean china yeah the who was like you know who sucks taiwan you know who rules china
like who's dumb enough to send out that propaganda oh china
who's dumb enough to pay someone that propaganda? Oh, China.
Who's dumb enough to pay someone to be that transparent?
Oh, my God.
It is kind of funny that China just blatantly is like, yeah, we don't have it anymore.
And World Health Organization says we're right.
Well, that's weird, too.
I wonder how that happened in one week.
Oh, yeah, man. We went from being in the news cycle to be like the news
cycle was like he's calling it the chinese virus or chinese whatever oh he's racist this is
bullshit and now the new york times is like china has to pay so i'm like what the fuck what'd you
guys they're now all fucking like yo fuck china on this stuff right now or before there do you
see being asshole like bad dude an asshole bro tiny well of course johnny's been
asshole yeah this should have been it was the commies the commies got him dude it should have
been on our dicks after world war ii yeah the comedy they went around china they went around
yeah china damn dude i mean that's it's just so funny thinking about our enemies dude and it's like
guys we're trying to fucking show you the light man bro we're trying to show you the path and you
guys just insist on supporting totalitarianism dude i can't even say it i'm so fucking patriotic
i hate saying it i can only say democracy dude i can't tell it i can't even yeah i can't even
fucking say it dude yeah the, it was a funny one.
I'll get into it.
Fuck it.
One of the former friend of mine, I guess,
he talked shit on me during the SNL thing.
Didn't even know he did that,
but recently found out when we had a chat.
He was one of the people who was like, I need to prove to him that I'm not a sexist, racist, homophobic person.
I need to sit down and have a conversation with him
about that he had he had a vet you which is batshit uh he also he he recently reached out
to criticize me for making fun of a former comic for begging on twitter for money didn't name that
guy whatever I'm not gonna you know there's a reason I didn't name him because I don't want
people being actually mean to him but I don't want people being china to him bro if you
were begging right now on social media you don't think your post would be like blazing to cross
social media with all them like yeah look at him now yeah it would be insane it's but also like in
the the discussion me and that guy had two days ago
or three days ago, however long, was about, like, I was like,
yeah, maybe it isn't, you know, the nicest thing for me to do.
Maybe it's kind of bad, but, like, you know, I didn't name him.
And I don't know.
I think he named me.
I think all of them gave quotes to the press that I was a bad person.
Yeah.
And like,
I'm supposed to take the high road on this one to be like,
not be like,
ah,
one of them's begging.
I'm a bad guy.
And then he was like,
well,
morally,
I think they might've,
you know,
had something there.
Yours was more just mean spirited.
I was like,
you understand how morality works, right?
Like, I think mine was right and theirs was wrong.
That's how it changes between people.
Man, we hit him with some Thomas Aquini, dude.
He didn't even know what it was.
You got to understand how things work, bud.
He'll grow up.
That's funny how he's like, yeah, but you're bad and they're good.
Don't you understand?
Well, theirs was just pointing out how you were a bad person
You were just lying about calling him a bad person
Yeah
I don't think you understand how this works
Dude that's pretty funny
But
Hey man
I don't know
It's what they chose
It's what they chose
Red pill blue pill dude
They swallowed the wrong one
They swallowed mommy and daddy's you know
like mommy and daddy please help although i am about to eat steak at my parents house
victory that's a victory circle dude this is a victory yeah this is a victory steak with my
mommy and daddy that's hal skillis coming by to they see his son i am gonna get a chalice dude
we're but me and my dad are gonna chalices of franzia dude yeah they're slaughtering the
fattest calf they seen you out here working the prodigal son has returned yeah bro you're not out here on the neat bucks being like
my skits aren't working no matt no dude we take the high road here they go low we go high i was
telling andrew about the fireworks he was like yeah dude that's what happens when all the fucking
waiters get laid off they're like what would be cool let's go out fuck let's have a fucking
spunky night dude yeah dude yeah i was chasing waiters around i forgot about this because i was obviously i was i was grinding
that grinded my gears that conversation and then uh by the way the kid who reached out
love that kid sweetheart he's just you know he's a misguided boy lost but um one of the there was
one dude who said that i was like being creepy to women in the scene.
I think the same guy who gave the DOS, dude.
I think he was the kid who slid the DOS on me from the improv theater.
Did you say you're a creeper?
Yeah.
He said he was like, I know people that call him creepy.
And it was like, dude, what are you doing?
Like he posted that.
And then I was like, oh oh i know who it was remember that one girl who lied and or like
hit a hit a live stream and fucked her boyfriend on it no you don't remember that no someone yeah
someone snuck a like like for yeah and then she was you know well yeah i mean it's illegal what
she did and it's a sexual crime but she was welcomed with open arms at that uh once open comedy club
anyway yeah man that's what up what up what up i mean the hypocrisy is unbelievable dude
projections are ultimate weapons dude you know how it works no i did a chinese accent on stage so
yeah you know i'm pretty bad sex crimes chinese it's the same thing
dude all right sorry i got i got heated there i'm fired up i shouldn't be on the air people gotta know people gotta know it's like this is this is post-covid society dude we you know we've
been nice we've been nice we were holding back a little the truth needs to come out and b beezer
was like oh yeah that girl was like a actual like and then she falsely accused a couple people of
rape it's like dude girl's a monster yeah that's that's wicked, wicked behavior. Yeah. Anyway, that's all allegedly.
I don't know if any of that's true.
Well, whatever.
At least you will put the alleged on it, bro.
See?
No names.
Pure alleged.
That's all.
Goddamn, man.
I mean.
That's how we do it.
Why?
I will say this.
I've never set out to make enemies, dude.
I've just tried to be me, dude.
That's all I've tried to do. Yeah, me neither. I don't know why people are stopping me. People dude i've just tried to be me dude it's all i've tried to do
yeah i don't know why people are stopping me people just don't want me to be me and that's
that's the most evil thing you can do come on man you're exactly right i'm just i just want to be me
i want to be i was just nice to everybody yeah you were sure i might have got you know every once in
a while i might have got drunk and told people you can't do stand-up that was it that was the meanest i got i'd get drunk and be
like you should go home fair enough dude anyway dude i uh sorry i'm harping on that you don't
gotta be sorry that was just a pretty wild fucking like yeah but they were morally correct yours was
just me it's like what do you is it morally correct to publicly say i'm a bad person yeah dude what i mean again people do have
to know there's there's a good faction of people who are just i mean again dude i'll hear anybody
out here they're signing like okay you know again like you're saying like all right that's your
thing i'm living a whole other life here with a whole other backstory the whole other set of eyes
a whole other brain whole other heart you don't think my shit shit appears a little different to me or i'm out here being pure evil who does that
dude who splits the world like that and a pure evil and pure bad or pure good and pure evil
children bro come on come on children and you know totalitarianists yeah you said it. I can't even. Authoritarianists. Dude, I – yeah, fuck that shit.
I started – so I have another audio book I started.
Dude, it might be the best thing I've ever, ever fucking put my eyes on.
It's called The Shallows.
Yeah.
It's about – I think it's about what I thought it was when I downloaded it.
They haven't even talked about it yet, how the internet's changing our brain and how like, you know, computers are changing our brain.
And they go all the way back.
I think I told you before about when they went back to like clocks and shit.
When like clocks got invented and all that stuff.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like how there was just like, wasn't time really.
And all of a sudden, people were like, they were just ding bells.
Come on, come on.
You guys keep it moving.
What the fuck?
And how, so that was like a technology. Like a clock came out. People were like, they were just ding bells. Come on, come on. You guys keep it moving. What the fuck? And how, so that was like a technology.
Like a clock came out.
People were like, fuck, man.
Now I got to be at this place.
Like, and then if you were late, that was a crime against God.
Because it was the Christian monks were the ones who started clocks.
So it was like, or they, you know, who made like, I guess who like organized society around them more or whatever, like mechanical clocks.
So that was why, like, if you're late and people scowl at you, back then you were being a scowl wag dude it's like dude you're sin you're sinning
right now god gave us time and you're not honoring it which is just a funny life arranger so they go
through arrows pretty tight they go through all that uh and then they get to books which is
writing in books and it's the funniest fucking thing because they talk about ancient greece and so you know back you know like the oral tradition was like no one wrote anything
it was just like whatever as much stuff as you can store in your head that's how sick you were
so i was like if you could just memorize a ton of shit you were the man that was all you could
hope to do and then people started writing stuff down and like they were just like i think socrates
was just like so fucking lame dude i can talk for like six hours dude why would i like anything
that's like how i feel about tinder yeah like oh you're funny in text please that's how it was
charming through gifts fuck you dude that's how it was with with writing itself it was play-doh
was like socrates pupil was like i don't know socrates
writing's pretty fucking sick dude i can like record these thoughts that i forget i can like
look at him again he was like pish posh dude i'll never write anything um so they they went into
like support that dude fuck writing right 100 support the who was it who was it socrates he
said yeah socrates dude he was just like this is and it was like it was kind of like pissed people off because like right again writing
was something that changed the way our brains work because it was like there was no like the idea of
interacting with another person's thoughts like that was nobody did it everyone would just be
like here's all the shit you memorize everyone's the same cool i'm glad we're on this oh you can't
remember stuff you're fucking dumb you go farm i get to sit outside in like a toga and just all day just be like and then
so then they started doing uh like writing on paper and like books and they had at first they
had you know people would just pick up like we do now it was like the first writing was just like
you find like a broken piece of a clay pot and you were just like like all right i have nine
goats and you would like store that somewhere that was like the first writing and then they started doing i think papyrus
scrolls where it would be like you would you take like the uh the vine or the thread of papyrus
whatever the fuck it is yeah in egypt yeah yeah right near the nile you're right and you'd heat
press it like a rosin press basically and that would give you the original uh scrolls and then
you know so that all you could have was the fucking long scrolls
and then they did uh wax tablets were like the codex where you would have a wax thing you would
scratch stuff in then you flip it over that was the first book was just like yeah wax tablets
is that good no not this was this is pre-gutenberg pre-press it's pre-print press dude when when
writing first came out it was in a wax tablet and there was no space between the words.
So it was just like, it was just a block of text that nobody read.
Everybody read aloud.
So you would get a book and just be like by yourself, like once upon a time.
So they had a, so then, yes, that's how, and then, so everything was like block text block text where you'd have to sit there and try to, like, decipher what the fuck it said.
And then eventually they started spacing the words and doing all this stuff.
Yeah, I like that.
Thomas Aquinas saw a guy reading silently and was just like, what's this guy's fucking problem?
What a weirdo.
Yeah.
I thought it was pretty fucking crazy, man.
Yeah, I mean, it's also funny to see people figure out how to spell. Like even if you look at shit from a hundred years ago,
more than that,
but like you look at like civil war,
like anything from back then,
people,
people were still guessing words.
Oh,
it was all phonetics.
A hundred percent.
It was just like,
dude,
imagine no autocorrect.
And you have a fucking stone tablet.
You got to write something into dude.
Just it's,
it's over being like carving,
like,
Ooh, at the, uh, read it out loud i'm like
what the fuck is this saying that was cracking me up dude people sitting and reading books out
loud to themselves in their apartment and only like it would be like the only the sickest dudes
could read so just be a guy just like and then and then one guy had a cat. Whoa. That's wild, man.
But yeah, that always makes me feel better about being a Luddite, if you will.
People that are like, the internet's fucking ruining us.
It's like, well, that literally has happened with every single change technologically.
Every technological advance in human history people have been upset
about yeah like well this is gonna ruin it no that that's it almost always helps well here's
here's my beef with the internet and it's like yeah writing was a sick and it was like the even
reading changed the way that's why i think we have to memorize shit and like in grade school i think
that the oral tradition stuck with our grade school that's why we're like we're forced to
memorize all this bullshit it It's fucking dumb.
But anyway, who dat?
You want to be Phil?
Big Phil?
What's he want?
There he is, dude.
Phil?
God damn, you look good.
He says I can't hear him.
He can't hear you.
You look good.
Tell him he looks good.
Say something nice to the people.
Just anything.
Happy Easter to everyone.
And good luck getting through the coronavirus.
During these challenging times, we'll only be stronger when we're done.
Hell yeah, dude.
What are you doing?
Looking for my beer. Looking for your beer? it's not in here you might have infected him bro
he might have just yeah you might have just died
but that was a good last message
you might have just got the covid
little covid for philly
little covid for philly
get the fuck out of here
don't die in that
goddamn sweatshirt.
It's something that Oprah would wear.
Okay, beat it.
He said, I'm going to die dressed like Oprah.
In my tracksuit.
Oh, my God.
Dude, he loves it.
He loves getting on that camera.
See how happy he was?
He lit up immediately. camera. Oh, dude. See how happy he was? He lit up immediately.
That Turner GMC hat.
Dude, he's still got the fucking little kid, 90s camera shy.
You know what I mean?
When you were like a little kid and they'd throw a camera in your face,
you'd be like, hi, hello.
When are you going to get him a MAGA hat, dude?
He's dying for one.
Phil, do you have a MAGA hat, dude? He's dying for one. Phil, you have a MAGA hat?
You have a Trump hat?
He has one.
All right, beat it.
I know what you're doing.
He's double-fisted.
Get out of here.
He's partying, bro.
He's cracking Miller Lights.
He has one of the USA ones. that's what's up he's got
with the presidential usa with the four five on the side of a mill oh of the of the just a big
block us yeah it's a sick hat it's pretty tight um sorry man no that's dude that was uh
yeah so that that's what the book's about how it changed our brains in order to be able to sit down
and like focus on a text it was like our brains were designed to like see like a fly and be like
what the fuck's that and look around yeah you know it but not for a bad way but it rewired our brains
to just like sit and stare at a certain thing the computer where the computers are weird is that
it's rewiring our brains around addictive technology which is like in like very overtly addictive technology with
like facebook instagram we're being we're rewiring our brains around like almost like we're playing
slot machines 24 7 dude if i don't have my phone like i've been making an effort to stop i do it
all the time i make an effort to stop looking i start feeling bad dude and i can't check the
fucking stuff it's sorry it can't scroll i'm just really yeah dude it and I can't check the fucking stuff. It can't scroll. Really? Yeah, dude.
It has its hooks in me, man.
I'm sure.
Me too, man.
Everybody's doing it all at the same time, so nobody notices. My phone died this morning.
That was another thing that added to the front seat dilemma.
I was no phone.
I was just a four and a half hour drive, no phone.
It was war mode.
How'd you feel?
Absolute war.
There's nothing I could do.
I couldn't look at hot girls.
You should ask the bar.
Can I look at pretty girls?
Can I use your phone and log into Instagram?
Just surf Instagram.
I'm telling you, man.
It is.
It is for sure.
It definitely has its drawbacks.
Imagine when you're – I have a baby right now,
and I'll catch myself.
I'll have my baby.
I'm like, hey, blah, blah, blah.
And I'm like – my hand will start creeping from my phone.
I just want to be like – and this dude, I'll be like –
it's literally I have to choose.
I'm like either I give my baby the facial feedback that it needs right now
or I'm like, ugh, into my – it's a real thing.
I just thought of this because you said you're going to give your baby a facial.
You got to.
I mean,
Tide just evolves into karate.
And then I'd,
no,
no,
dude,
I'd fucking come over like that.
You got,
you better be wearing boxers if you're having fucking jizz dreams.
If you take a nap with that baby, you better wear a condom.
You'll crush it.
The hazards of crushing it.
What's the guy from the movie Porky's?
I haven't seen it since I was a young boy. He wears a condom to a date.
I was a young warthog at a lake with my friends,
and we rented Porky's so we could see these showers scene.
Yep.
Tale as old as time.
Yeah, you can't sleep with a baby in a bed
because you'll roll over and crush them.
Dude, I actually got into my –
I had to make a genogram for my family therapy class,
so I had to go through my mom's side of the family,
my dad's side of the family.
Nice.
A lot of kids dying, dude.
A lot of dead
kids like my my grandfather's family all right so going back then yeah that's a lot of dead
yeah but i'm talking i'm not talking just like just like some polio dude i'm talking like the
80s no no 1983 back then i'm no i'm talking back in the day, in like 1950 and stuff. But I'm talking like one of my – so there was on my mom's side,
my mom's mom had a brother.
Oldest brother was Thomas, died at like one years old.
They had another kid right after him, named him Thomas.
They did a Thomas 2.0, which is so fucking funny.
And then there was my – one of my great whatever relatives 18 months just slipped out of
his mother's arms and fell into the skookle and died pretty fucking gritty another one fell off
like a way wait wait what was this accident this accident yeah dude it was like my my baby
accidentally fell into the river popped out of her of her arms, bro. Schuylkill was probably raging, dude.
Schuylkill was raging.
I was like, Brittany was like.
Wait, the baby fell into the water?
The baby fell in the water, dude, in Schuylkill.
The baby fell into the water in the Schuylkill?
18 months, dude.
It shaped my family's psychology, dude.
It was like my great-grandmother.
Who did this?
Who had postpartum depression and just threw?
I think it was my great-grandmother.
Your great-grandmother was a murderer and threw a baby. Great-grand my great-grandmother. Your great-grandmother was a murderer and threw a big one.
My great-grandmother on the first side.
My great-grandmother was a snail.
My great-grandmother on my dad's mom's side.
So my grandmother's grandmother was married to a guy,
and then one of their two children fell into the skewicle and died.
Oh, it was a baby that fell?
18 months.
I called murder.
Slipped.
I'm calling murder.
He jumped, bro.
He was 18 months.
He sprung up.
The skugel was probably flying that day.
He was gone.
Washed down.
He was done.
And that's when you can jump in after right away.
That's what I thought.
Brittany's like, did you jump in after him?
You had a decent chance.
Baby sink, bro.
Yeah, this was a murder.
The bottom.
You come from a line of murderers and thieves.
Of infanticides, dude.
We would never do something like that in the Gillis Kilkenny lineage.
Dude, it was horrible, dude.
It was like I was going through all this stuff.
How come you're not acknowledging this definite murder?
It was an accident, dude.
My great-great-granddad, dude.
Why would you admit it? it's probably a murder if it was an 18-month-old that ended up in the river?
Sunday boat stroll, dude.
She didn't just dump him.
They were on the boat.
She was just like, oh, oh.
The baby sprung.
The baby went, whoop.
Dude, I would jump in after my cell phone.
I mean, yeah.
That lady left to fucking.
It sunk, dude.
The skookle flies.
You ever go on the skookle?
I've seen the skook.
It does fly.
I agree.
A lot of people die in the skookle every year, actually.
Usually from murder.
Usually from some form of murder.
Yeah, man.
There was that.
There was, I think, someone fell off a wagon or some shit and died.
Way back when on the other side.
I was like, damn, dude. OG McCusker slash Kearney Lineage is... think someone fell off a wagon or some shit and died way back when on the other side there's a
i was like damn dude yeah the og mccusker slash carony lineage is butt fucked with like child
death of like not even just like sick of like accidental i was like dude that's fucked falling
out just boating because they were like oh one kid died in a boating accident i was like what
happens i got all this info off my hand i'm'm like, what happened? They're like, 18 months.
I think he's like slipped out, popped out of the arms, washed up.
And then saw Fumble.
That was a Fumble Ruski, bro.
That was a Nate Newton, dude.
She was running towards the end zone.
That's a Fumble Ruski.
And God popped her out.
Yeah.
I saw pictures of this lady, too.
She looked like she was harboring.
She looked fucking pissed pissed you better not say
her name dude she might haunt you i'm not i might get there's a lot of family curses that are built
on stuff like this dude i thought about that before i started i'm like i'm getting it haunted
for this but again it's like put it i'm putting it out there putting it out there dude it's like
dude that that lady's gonna come dude you have to fight her
family's hex dude that's a heck that's heck stuff what type of bitch do you think put this on your
fam i don't know probably someone back in the old country dude back when we were kings of northern
ireland you would be northern ireland you fucking prot dude not a prop bro we've we fled we were
catholics we had fled we fled to uh munster my family was kings dude up there and they
had to flee to munster because your family dude kills babies it was a fucking accident dude
jesus man my they're gonna haunt you i'll fuck them up i'm cleaning that baby dude they might
try to toss me into the skook they might toss you in this sink like a stuff like jack from titanic
dude i'd go straight to the bottom.
Brittany did ask.
That was a fair question.
She's like, didn't they jump in after it?
And I was like, I don't know.
And they have life jackets, dude.
They're not going to get wet.
That thing probably went fucking straight to the bottom.
18-month-old?
They're like all bones and fat.
That thing would just be like right to the bottom.
I don't know what to tell to tell you man i know you're
defending your family's honor but it could have been adrenochrome might have sold it's like
herbert hoover he might have munched true who might have hooves fbi might have munched on one
of my candy what a bullshit yeah herbert or j edgar who you? I'm talking Jay Edgar. Excuse me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Herbert's a good man.
Herbert was a good dude.
He would never munch.
I'm talking Jay Edgar.
Babes.
Jay Edgar was.
Jed Huger.
All right.
Where are we at?
Oh, we're good.
It's too long.
This thing is wild.
All right.
We'll figure out a page.
I was going to have Mullen come on and just explain.
All right.
But, you know, that might not happen, so don't get your hopes up.
We'll see what happens.
We'll see if you get that or not, you little...
Bro, I don't have hopes, bro.
My family's marred by tragedy, so I just take it as it goes.
Yep.
I'll see you on the page.
Whatever happens, happens, dude.
It's fucking dark and twisted and gloomy.
You actually seem kind of ashamed of your family's murderous past.
They didn't fucking murder.
It was an honest accident.
Dude, what's worse?
An honest accident.
Your family's either dumb as fuck or dropping babies into the skook.
It happens, dude.
Back then, you had a lot of them.
A lot going on back then.
A lot going on.
Was she leaning over the boat?
She probably looks like there's probably fish.
She's like, oh, look.
Check it out.
And he was like.
Gopped out, dude.
They probably hit it.
And that was that.
Dude, I mean, it was probably going like 20 knots.
Dude, think how fast you'd like fish a phone out of the fucking toilet if you dropped.
Like, there's not even a thought.
You just fucking snag it immediately.
Yeah, but a toilet's not a raging river, dude.
This thing was probably. It's this, dude. You're acting like this is the Colorado. Yeah, but a toilet's not a raging river, dude. This thing was probably –
Dude, you're acting like this is the Colorado, dude.
This is not –
The skook moves, bro.
The skook moves slightly.
Like, you can swim in it.
Oh, man, you're so wrong.
I'm going to call my dad.
I'll call my dad.
I'll get my dad on and ask him how fast a skookle goes, dude.
He'll tell you.
Look, I'm not denying the skookle's fast, but –
It'll carry you like 40 feet before you know what's going on.
Okay.
I traveled the skookle as a kid a lot. I know. I know that somehow. best but it'll carry you like 40 feet before you know what's going on okay that's i traveled to
skugel as a kid a lot i know i know that somehow defend just describing how fast the skugel is is
defending your family so i appreciate what you're doing but your grandma your great grandma is
definitely a murderer calling her a snail uh i'm yeah no dude it was an honest accident dude everyone again but again that's the
real question is which is worse a genuine i was holding my baby on a boat and dropped it in
worse and then i dropped it in and then i i'm so incompetent that a baby on a but i lost a kid
on this boat trip yeah it's an act it's called a boating accident, bro.
It happens.
No, that's not a boating accident.
It's like you get hammered and somebody fell off and you can't find them.
Someone might have been hammered.
It could happen, bro.
Like that point.
You stumped me on that.
I was like.
My body was ready to move with a counterpoint.
There was nothing there i'm
just thinking of like the divorce that followed it and the guy was just like
grounds for the divorce he's like she fucking dropped my baby in the river and they're like
all right fucking yeah that'd be 50 bucks
i mean dude that's a fuck up bro i was like trying i was thinking about that be like dude
imagine the my the monumental my bad on like
and the guy being like yeah you did fuck up so
we're done you you you you crossed and they got a divorce i mean it was a shameful family
this is disgusting dude i mean this is my roots bro i i did roots i looked back and i'm glad they i'm
dude i'm so glad knowing that there was probably there's probably some sort of gillis clan around
to be like she doesn't get communion she does not get communion dude
look you do the genogram dude go as far as what the fuck are you doing? You don't get communion. You slut.
You murdering slut.
Your great-grandfather was a murdering slut.
It was on the mom side.
It was the great- Mom sides of the family always suck.
Don't they?
They're always the worst.
Don't they?
Yes.
Although, alt-right Pat, my one cousin, does kind of rule.
I honestly genuinely enjoy my mom side of the family.
But that's what you said is true. There's a lot of times- Dad side of the family definitely rules, my mom's side of the family but that's what you said is true there's a lot of times that's how the family definitely rules though that's how the
family rules a lot of time i know too many people that i'm like you dig into the mom's side of the
family it's just chaos dude you're like what the fuck is this my mom's side of the family is
definitely my grandma oh this is funny my aunt posted a picture oh dude i got two good ones did
i tell you my all right what are we doing i tried
to wrap it up a minute ago this is good i uh my there's a family group chat and my mom my sister
gave my other sister's kids some slime to play with like gack yep and then my sister sent a
picture to the group chat was like they love the slime and then my mom sent a picture to the group chat and was like, they love the slime.
And then my mom, I guess, tried to use a GIF search for, like, slime.
And it was just a facial.
It was just a GIF of a facial.
And she put it in the fucking family group chat as a response to it.
Was it like a squirting facial or was it like a picture of a glazed face It was
Not cum
It was
It was
If it wasn't cum what was it
It was like pancake batter
But I mean it's a gif of a facial
Oh my god
She had no idea
She thought she was putting up like a family double dare
yeah she i don't i don't know how she missed it because it's clearly a good girl that's why i do
no one's ever probably blasted her face you're a good girl you don't look at pancake batter on
someone's face and think someone my mom i forgot them at their house be down dude imagine your
32 year old son
Coming home and being go down to the basement
Be like my mom definitely got blasted in the face
Just lowers the fucking
Alexa and just turns
Like a flock of flame back up
Just like fuck it I don't want to hear this
Oh man Sorry I'm sorry I damn it shout out to all the ladies that got like
hardcore porn stuff back in the 70s dude like old old like generation one sluts dude that's
wild yeah i don't like that there's fuck there was another story so your mom sent a facial
yeah mom sent a facial g mom sent a facial gift that
was pretty good that was good for the family that's good for us to bond over um what were
the gifts that followed anyone send any real deals no more gifts after it was mostly just
people saying oh my god oh my god mom what are you doing what yeah it was good how'd she respond
how'd she respond like oh well you guys are perverts there's
nothing she she took the defensive it's called you it's called everybody else perps oh yeah my aunt
my aunt posted on facebook and was like national siblings day also r.i.p this dog the family's dog
was in the picture that died also her sibling died and both her parents that were was in the picture that died yeah also her sibling died and both her parents that
were also in the picture it's pretty funny to shout out like oh r.i.p auto the dog and her two
parents and sister anyway that was fun stuff fun stuff good stuff dude i mean just having fun
yeah i'm just saying how dark and twisted my lineage is, dude. You got a fucking dark, twisted lineage, bro.
Someone fell off a fucking wagon, too?
Kid fucking sprang off a wagon.
Kid fell?
My aunt was like, either it was a disease or he fell off like a wagon.
I bet your great-grandma was in the back of that just like... A lot of these.
A little nudge, dude. A lot of these Nudge dude Your great grandma was a dirty
I can't believe it bro
She was clumsy bro
She was a klutz
Excuse her
Have mercy on her bro
She probably lived a tortured
Tormented life
Yeah
I mean regardless
She did live a tortured
Tormented life I mean whether that was live a tortured tormented life
I mean whether that was
an accident or
true
true
fair point
but no
I mean your baby can keep you up
at night
and then you know
you're on a boat trip
all this thing's been doing
is fucking screaming
yeah
you're just on a boat trip
like
if I just open my arms
right now
all goes away
anyway so you have that in your blood yeah shame Open my arms right now. All goes away.
Anyway, so you have that in your blood.
Yeah.
Shame.
Tragedy.
Trauma.
Yeah, dude, it's pretty tight.
Maybe you are twisted.
Maybe I am, dude.
Maybe I am.
Yo, how's War Mode?
I haven't listened to it.
It's fucking sick.
I gotta listen to it.
I might join their page. They talk about, like, underground tunnels and it. It's fucking sick. I got to listen to it. I might join their page.
They talk about underground tunnels and stuff.
It's pretty tight.
Oh, the mole children?
They talk about that? Yeah, the mole children.
You got to feed the mole children.
Yep.
I just looked at a tweet where all those QAnon people were figuring out the proper terminology
to use for the mole children.
Was that too insensitive?
No, Billy said he's going to adopt them.
He should have a house of mole children he said he's not going to have kids just so he can adopt the mole children it's
pretty funny they talk about a bunch of shit nice war mode's lit dude it's check out war mode that's
our that's our latest creation yeah their latest that's one of our that's our latest spawn i might
be like your great grandma i might drop one of these podcasts I might nudge one of them off a wagon
One of them is going into the skookle dude
Oh my god
Fantastic
Alright I care about you
What a dark app dude
There's nothing dark about it
It seems to be like actually bothering you
I feel like I'm going to get halted dude
I'm going to get halted
That is an El Cuco style I mean that's what el cuco does it feeds off the children
sorry i thought i saw something dude i'm in my basement right now i don't want i'm not i would
never but you need to be extra vigilant as well i will because el cuco is definitely gonna be
looking at your family to curse you i mean dude i i am so careful with that shit because dude
that's the thing too i have a baby now and i'm like one false fucking like i'm walking through the hallways at nighttime
oh yeah one you know you walk through and you bang your elbow on the doorway instead of my elbow
that's my baby's soft fucking growing head now so i have to like creep around i'm like so conscious
of what i'm doing it's it's tiring yeah i hate i hate uh i really hate having a baby around
for that reason yeah like if somebody brings over their baby to like the house or something i'm like
somebody told me a story about like a baby was there was like a family party and one of them
crawled under the fucking recliner oh someone squished it and got up someone squished it your
great grandma was at this party and squished the fucking baby, dude, during the fucking Super Bowl.
The doorbell rang like, ooh, dominoes, and hit the recliner down.
And then just while you're paying, just like, man,
I heard something in that couch.
Oh, fuck, man.
Please don't be a kid when I get back.
Oh, man.
Pizza's here.
Oh.
But, yeah, Ever since that
I've always
Heard that story
And I'd be like
Man that
That's no good
Scary
You squirt your kid
In the fucking
Lazy boy
That's
That's terrifying dude
That's why
You know
Last night
I was fighting for my
Mind and my child's life
Last night
Against those fucking
Jackals
You did the right thing I was a ghost of my grandma dude I came back And got full fucking revenge fighting for my mind and my child's life last night against those fucking jackals.
You did the right thing.
I was a ghost of my grandma, dude.
I came back and got full of fucking revenge.
You did the right thing, dude.
I did.
Shamed him.
You probably posed like fucking Ed Norton in American History X.
How's that?
The cops came just after you fucking chased them off, dude.
The cops came and you just smiled
with your white nationalist propaganda
on your hoodie no this dude he was in the california prison system dude grow up
prison segregated politics grow up dude
i'm grown dude i'm grown ass i heard that all right we should end this let's do it let's do it
yeah and let me know what you want to do with the page. We'll figure it out. All right.
I'll hit you up.
I think he just texted me and said he needs to play Doom for the rest of the day.
Fair enough.
We'll figure it out. I don't know if we're getting Mullen.
We'll figure it out.
I'll hit you up later.
Later.