Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - The Scotty Defense

Episode Date: February 4, 2020

The D.A.W.G.Z. celebrate a big victory at Top Golf and then get right down to biz. We talk about getting scurred after watching The Outsider, Moose's munching Pumpkins, Maritime Law, and of course...The Scotty Defense The sequel to this ep can be found below https://www.patreon.com/posts/33726037

Hey, baby, what you doing, dude? We're right back in here. We're back on. We're back in here like a moth. I was just thinking about those moose eating pumpkins. That was a good, I'm bringing good bits. That was warm up, that was layups. Yeah, that was layup lines.

I love the fact that we're so fucking raw and hungry again, dude. Strike that, let's fucking go. Yeah, we need better. We need to achieve greatness for our followers. For sure. Although, you were bringing up some good points, dude. What? About that show you were talking about.

The show was great. About mooses munching pumpkins. Mooses eating pumpkins is very exciting to watch. I fell asleep to it last night. Did you really? Yeah. It's called Night on Earth. Night on Earth?

Night on Earth. I spooked myself. I think I got that wrong. Night on Earth? Yeah. Midsummer's Night Stream. It sounded like that. i got spooked i think i got that wrong night on earth yeah midsummer's night stream it sounded like that i got spooked last night i watched uh outsider you got spooked so i have my i didn't realize you and billy spot were all like afraid of ghosts i was talking to billy he's like nope i'm not watching that billy's like for real scared billy's afraid he's afraid of ghosts yeah for real he's like seriously afraid of demons i would i have normal uh i was afraid of the dark when i grew

up and still like i was i thought i was being kind of a badass because i watched the outsider i even went down to my basement afterwards i had to get that spooky all right that's spooky going down to a basement anytime is spooky i got my cell phone light i didn't turn on the big lights i did my cell phone light and thought I was pretty proud of myself for that. That's even scarier. When you have a flashlight in the dark, it's very scary.

Especially after the last episode when they're talking about the barn and all that stuff. And I'm like, dude, the worst part of it is, is like, there's not a good reason. Do you think El Cuco was down there?

As soon as I say like, there's not El Cuco, it's like, sorry, El Cuco. Yeah, I apologize. Respect El Cuco. I know you heard me earlier bashing you. Dude, that was what my, my mom's uncle used to tell me. That version of, I apologize. Respect, El Cucco. I know you heard me earlier bashing you.

Dude, that was what my mom's uncle used to tell me. That version of, I've said it on a previous episode. When I asked a lady at that Jungian Society talk with the Irish lady. Like, what's the story? She's like, oh, that's the, I can't remember the name. Yeah, I remember it though. The man who puts you in a sack and takes you away. Yeah, that's El Cucco.

It is. It's probably also what you're describing too. How there's like jaguars or something. Yeah, there's also creatures of the night. Yeah, so you're, you know, a lot of times your brothers and sisters probably just got eaten by, like, a jaguar, and they were like,

no, it was El Cuco who came and put them in a bag. Yeah, or there was just a rapist that lived in your town. Sure, yeah, exactly. Because that's not something new to humanity. Getting your kid abducted. Yeah. You think El Cuco's been a... I think El Cuco was also

fucking kids. Pizzagate. I think that was original. I think that's been El Cuco. That's medieval Pizzagate dude. Instead of coming up with conspiracy theories online

people were just like the demons are here. Some weird dude. Some fucking guy fucking kids. Burying him in his backyard. Easy. Easy money.

Do you think they used to play a game fuck kill bury? Fuck bury kill. Yes. Fuck his backyard. Easy. Fuck. Easy money. Do you think they used to play a game fuck, kill, bury? Fuck, bury, kill? Yes. Fuck, bury, kill? Yeah. Yes.

Oh, I'd fuck them. I would kill this person's kid. You used to be able to legally kill your kids in ancient Roman time. Really? That was like, dude, you had full say over your house. Unfortunately, Matt, you can today.

Who says? The libs. Oh. Matt, don't get me started this is this is 2020 this is about redemption we're very pro-life true now we're fine we've come we've we've sown our oats true that whole that whole purge got us to exactly where we need to be as a very staunch christian pro-life pro-fracking yeah podcast spxx. All we care about is SPXX and Trump. Literally. That's what this show is about.

It's because Trump loves America. Dude, I was actually thinking about... It's so funny that there's a few listeners that are like, hell yeah. Well, it's also funny because I was thinking about this. Dude, how many guns do you have? Well, I've never technically... How many do you have now?

I never had my own gun. I used to carry well, I've never technically How many do you have now? I never had my own gun. I used to carry my, I'm not going to say whose it was. I used to carry somebody else's gun on me for a little bit. Really?

Back in the day. Back when I was thugging, bro. True. I was living in that house by myself, dude. I used to get spooked in there a lot, too. A gun's not going to help

you against El Cuco. True. Well, there was a raccoon on my roof and I was like answering the door with a gun like, what is out there? And someone told me there was a raccoon on my roof. I was like answering the door with a gun like what is out there and i was like someone told me there's a raccoon on my roof i was clutching the six shooter

dude i was like who fucking wants this dude i remember i was like hearing i would hear commotions constantly outside my house and just be like it's time i never before that so you had a raccoon on your roof every night you were just strapped it sounded like somebody was in my fucking house it sounded like somebody was in my house so like It sounded like somebody was in my house. So like I would hear literally, dude, it would be on my ceiling. So I would hear what sounded like footsteps somewhere and I'd wake up. There were footsteps on my ceiling. It's a family. Dude, that would fuck me up.

So if you lived, you lived by yourself and that was happening like nightly. Dude, I'd be so scared. I'd never up until that point, not only never lived by myself, I'd never had my own room. I didn't have my own room till I was 23 years old. Wow. Never lived, never slept in a room by myself, I never had my own room. I didn't have my own room until I was 23 years old. Never slept in a room by myself. Now I was sleeping in my own house in a very shady neighborhood.

The neighborhood was very spooky. You might be onto something there. What do you mean? That's where some of these myths and legends come from. All of a sudden, people have been living in very... You've been sleeping in a teepee with four other people your whole life then you go out things get scary by yourself dude it was fun it was so

scary most people back in the day grew up sleeping in you know like you did like a little a little rat's nest I was it I was used to my little rat's nest it was like meerkat manor and then I had a fucking I was in my own one it was very scary and like everyone I would I've talked about this house before, the one me and my brother got. There was four people on the block. So it was like, dude, it was desolate. It was a block in Philadelphia where all the houses were knocked down except for the house I was in. A lady like four lots down who was a prostitute.

A basketball coach right next to her and an old lady r.i.p sweetest lady in the world but it was a basketball coach he's a basketball coach just coach carter coach carter yeah i think he straightened those boys out i think he was a black conservative too that's a coach carter because i remember for a while i was registered republican because this guy was like you registered to vote and i was like no and he was like i'm running as a republican i was like bro i'll sign one up for whatever you want that That's fucking sick. Coach Carter was running? Yeah, bro. So he was running for some sort of a politician. I don't do that.

It was a wild block. I will say this. Any Coach Carter out there, any strict black disciplinarian coach is a black conservative. I would say secretly, at least. Almost every coach is a hardcore fucking conservative. Except the liberal whites in the NBA. There's guys like Popovich and Kerr.

I could see that. Yeah. Dude, thinking about closeted black conservatives. Like Bobby Knight, Coach K. What's he? Those guys are guaranteed

they love Trump. Oh, dude. A million percent. I think every coach, I think you might be on to something with that. Well, that's because they're kind of

dictators. But also, every elite athlete loves Trump, dude. I mcgregor joined what'd he say mcgregor tweeted out how much he loved trump what was this like after his fight he was just like yeah great night i won blah blah blah also president trump rules it's so funny fuck man i think when you win a fight you i think anyone who just won a fight loves Trump. Jorge Masvidal fucking was like, yo, say what you want about him. Trump's a bad motherfucker.

People were like, all right. I think, I'm telling you, if you win a fight in front of the rest of the world, the only thing else you can do, you're just in that state where you're like, fuck it, I'm going to say it. You know what? Fuck it, I love Trump. You know what? I'm here.

How do you feel about the fight? Be like, I don't know. I just all of a sudden love Donald Trump right now. Well, you get a gold belt. True. You feel the power.? Be like, I don't know. I just all of a sudden love Donald Trump right now. Well, you get a gold belt. True. You feel the power. You're like, I don't want anyone to take this from me. Well, he also probably texts you.

He probably gets your number and he's like, great job on the fight. You're like, this guy's fucking awesome. At like 4 a.m. For sure. He jumps us up. He probably sends you pictures of his wife. He probably sends you nudes of his wife and he's like, look at her. Pretty hot, huh?

So hot. I fuck my wife all the time. I love it. Nice fight, bro. Dude, he's got Tom Brady, Conor McGregor, Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods loves Trump, too? Yes. Dude, I started-

Tiger Woods plays golf. Used to play golf with him. They're boys, dude. That's true. I tried to start a rumor at Topgolf. When my first set, I went up and I was like, did you guys know this place was owned by Tiger Woods' ex-wife? Obviously fucking around. I'm like, you know, the place was owned by tiger woods ex-wife obviously fucking

around i'm like you know the divorce settlement she founded top golf and people were like wow i was like no that's not true i'm fucking with you guys and they were like looked at me like why would you ever do that why would you make that up i think that's a solid theory dude i'd be curious definitely all coaches i would say almost every football coach. 99% football coaches. Pro-Trump. I would say. Unless they suck. Unless they stink.

Brian Kelly, Notre Dame's coach. I don't like him. I think he's a fucking Boston Dem. How would you think so? He's a Boston Dem. He's a Bostonian? I know he's a Boston Dem. God damn it, Matt. No, I know he's a Boston Dem.

I think he was in politics at first. When he was a Boston Dem. God damn it, Matt. No, I know he's a Boston Dem. I think he was in politics at first when he was a young warthog. Dude, I still to this day, the coaching world is fucking wild. It is. It's a weird thing. We were watching it last night. We were making fun of it when Andy Reid won. Yeah. The Super Bowl last night.

Did you watch it didn't watch it I saw the meme of him doing a dab afterwards that was sick oh that was that's a throwback but that's awesome

oh really yeah it's classic Andy Reid I wanted Reid to get one yeah he's the man he's an old warthog I think his sons died two of his sons

one of them might have killed himself I don't know about that I think one of them OD'd as well yeah I think they were smuggling drugs into jail or something it's just like him winning a super bowl being like it was all worth it like i wasn't really there for my kids but god damn this confetti feels good yeah

his sons were thugging bro his sons were they were on that fucking chet hanks tip dude yeah your dad's a fucking white millionaire you better you know that got it. Oh, Chad Hanks. Yeah. That's all you can do. Because the only thing, because you can't win. You're not going to, you know, everyone wants to try to do better than. Unless you trump out. What do you mean? He comes from a rich daddy. True.

You can join the dynasty. You can either join the dynasty and become better than your father. True. Which is what Trump did. Dude, Trump's son is going to run. Barron? Not Barron. I'm talking about. Barron's coming. Bar son is going to run baron not a baron i'm talking about baron's coming baron's gonna be he's gonna like federally mandate we all play minecraft it's just an

autistic kid running the country i think baron's gonna give us 5g's a month when he when he comes of age trump's son is definitely like dude they think this shit's over trump's son's gonna fucking they're gonna be the new and people don't want to hear this they're gonna be the new Kennedy family bro they're all gonna die like helicopter excuse me they're all gonna die oh man made fun of Kobe no I did it they're all gonna die in weird ways you're not allowed to make fun of Kobe I'm not making fun of Kobe I started saying they're gonna die I was thinking of JFK you're allowed to like publicly make fun of like the fires in australia but yeah which like 20 some people burned to death yeah but you better not don't you dare say kobe bryant well the confusing thing about that is there's like billboards now well you just drive i was driving down 95 and it was just like legend it was yeah i was like

all right what is that is that like the nba because i'm you know i'm a businessman bro i'm a businessman you're. I'm a businessman. We are businessmen. We are businessmen. We are a business, bro. Sharks, how would you like an opportunity to invest in a Kobe Bryant billboard? What's the return on that? Nothing.

Literally zero. So that was the question. I'm like, well, also, this week wasn't about sports, bro. This week was about life. You hear what I'm saying? That's all I'm saying. This week was about life, all. You hear what I'm saying? That's all I'm saying. This week was about life, all right? I was watching.

Why are you making light of this situation? I'm not making light of it. How dare you? All the... It's funny. I was bummed. I was bummed when Kobe died. I wasn't bummed.

I was disoriented. I had to readjust my map of reality to be like, Kobe Bryant's dead. Yeah. And I was like, what does that mean? And I was like, I don't know. Nothing. I was like, it sucks. Yeah.

It's sad. His fucking girl died. It's also, it's like... If he just died himself, it wouldn't like, I don't know. Nothing. I was like, it sucks. It's sad. This fucking girl died. It's also, it's like. If he just died himself, it wouldn't have been as sad, obviously. Sure. Little girls die, you're like, fuck, man. Yeah. It sucks.

But at the same time, I was, I knew people who were, like, trying to be like, oh, I couldn't even, like, I took the weekend off. And I was like, you don't know this fucking dude? My friend was talking about getting Kobe tattoos. What? He loved Kobe. Well, dude, and that's, that gets into weird stuff where, like, you know, Kobe would have been, like, there's a theory in psychology called object relations,

where, like, there's objects that you interject into your mental. I told you about this before, the mental landscape. Well, exactly. Yeah, that's with Kobe, for sure. So you interject these, like, weekly heroes who go on the basketball court and do awesome stuff, and you just get to be like, yeah, and get pumped. When that person dies, it's just like, I don't know. I don't understand it because I'm slightly autistic.

And, excuse me. Pardon me. Excuse me. Pardon me. Pardon me. Please recognize that. Do I recognize that you're autistic? Excuse me.

Point of privilege. Point of privilege, I'm autistic. Point of privilege. But, yeah on Autistic. Point of privilege. Yeah, dude. It was like this guy. There was a baseball coach. I always watch ESPN on mute at the gym. I look at the screen while I'm on the treadmill

and hate myself for giving into the screen when I should be just doing better stuff. Well, it sucks when you're on the treadmill. What else are you supposed to look at? I usually have... Well, the treadmill, I can't run with my eyes closed. Yeah, you start to stumble. I wobble. I wobble right away. You're like, whoa. First thing I do i usually have well the treadmill i can't run with my eyes closed yeah you start to stumble wobble wobble right away first thing i do when i get on the treadmill is take my headphones out to hear how loud it is because it's got it's like

i'm like god damn someone's water bottle just starts fucking yeah the lunk alarm goes off when i run on the treadmill and planet fitness sirens go off they're like who's the asshole? It's like, I'm just trying to run. I'm just trying to get back there. I'm trying to get back into my plane. Do you think it sounds heavy? It's not as bad as I always think. Dude, that is so funny. Yeah, dude. To turn

the music down. Yeah, I'm like, alright, not that obnoxious. How fast? What's your max speed on the treadmill? What's the highest? Do you know how high treadmills go? Have you ever gone all the way up? No. no dude i got it up to nine the other day and got scared i was holding on scared i was holding on the rails nine i broke my running record i saw that you sent me that know how i broke it how so i started running during the walking periods just for like a minute so i'd add a little time and then on the cool five minute cool down i cool

down for two minutes and i turned it up as high as i could go and just fucking just try to keep up with it and then turn it back down and turn it on i did that a couple times all right so i beat my record all right but yeah dude i wouldn't know how fast it probably goes i've seen people sprinting on treadmills i'm gonna do that you get fucked up doing that that's what i'm about to do please do that please do that in your fucking cargo pants just sprinting with a rottweiler t-shirt And cargo pants and a hat With like A6 or whatever fucking weird shoes you wear No the

Oh sorry Alta excuse me Pardon me Point of privilege Alta I think they're called Altras They're made by the brand Who has the

You know the weird What's going on with the cast I don't know The cast is good they're made by the brand who has the you know the weird squiggly what's going on with the cast I don't know the cast is good the cast is silly you know those

brand of shoes that are like the squiggly like toes yeah so these are that brand but since people obviously

really hate those toes look like really weird for that they made them so then your feet can spread like that but you don't have to like just never get pussy ever again in your life. Yeah.

Or I feel like guys that have those toe shoes have huge dicks. Maybe. It's a theory. Maybe. I don't know a lot of micro birders who are walking around with those toe shoes. Maybe. So just throwing that out there. What were you talking about?

Oh, Kobe. Oh, yeah. I'm at the gym. Never forget. My bad. Oh, yeah. I'm at the gym. Never forget. My bad. Legend. Exactly. So, dude, I'm at the gym, and I see apparently there's a baseball coach.

Someone in baseball, I think, died as well. So they're throwing him on there. Yeah, this guy is dead. I don't know if he died or not. Again, it was on mute. But then they kept interviewing this baseball team. Kobe showed up to it one time. Oh, it was a pitcher for the Angels, I think, which is kind of unfortunate.

It was a pitcher for the Angels died, too? Yeah. Was he on the copter? No, he had died before. But it was like, you know, he was an athlete. So he's an angel in the outfield now? I'm sorry. Yeah.

Sorry. This is 2020, dude. What are we doing? Yeah, he is an angel. How'd he die? I think it was party time. No, I don't know. I don't know.

So he died. I don't know. I think he had a fucked up heart or something. That's a shame. I shouldn't make fun of that. I have arrhythmas as well. But what I'm saying is. This chair echoing is killing me.

Have you heard that at all? I haven't heard it at all. All right, you'll hear it. So I'm at the gym. I'm breaking my record. I feel like I'm at the pinnacle. I'm at the this chair echoing is killing me have you heard that at all I haven't heard it at all alright you'll hear it so I'm at the gym I'm breaking my record I feel like I'm at the pinnacle I'm at the height of my sports career

so you know yeah I get it I'm a legend as well so I'm like running I'm doing nine on the treadmill slowly back down to four again taking a nice two minute break

and I look at the TV and literally that guy there was a quote and it was like this week's not about sports this week's about life. It's like, what the fuck are you guys talking about? That's just a weird.

You got 24 hours to fill, and every one of those pundits is looking for their 30-second viral, like, oh, I teared up talking about this. Yeah. Which some of them were really fucked up to watch. Like, I watched Shaq. Yeah, that's his bull. That was so up to watch like I watched Shaq yeah it's his dude that was so sad LeBron was sad yeah LeBron being sad is very sad yeah well that was

that was legitimately their friend yeah of course but then you know it's like fucking Jimmy Fallon cried yeah they went on a beer run once that's though see that's the problem that's where it's hard to put a pin in it because it's like, again, I know there's like regular dudes never fucking. Yeah. And who knows what the fuck their relationship was. But it is. It's odd. And you can.

I don't know. It's weird to be a cynic during that like that type of thing. But when people are like crying on TV, it's always like. We don't exactly. We're doing there. And I agree. Is there a reason you're doing that? I'd much rather be like,

man, I'm so fucked up, man. I had to call my boss and fucking work from home that day. No, you don't want to be that. Yeah, that would be awesome, dude. It would be nice. I don't know. What the F?

What the F? Are you serious? He died? Frick. Turn on TV? No, no, no. I can't believe it. No was it was sad but it was like it's like you were saying like that's a guy i mean i watched i've watched kobe bryant for

i don't know how many hours my whole life you know so it's like i've seen him a lot i've probably watched kobe just as much as any other athlete sure you know what i mean so it's not like yeah i see where that is but as far as people being it. Sure. You know what I mean? Mm-hmm. So it's not like, yeah, I see where that is. But. As far as people being upset. It's going to be a hot take, but I would like to say that I'm totally neutral on the subject. It's like I saw it and was like, that sucks.

Yeah, that's also how I, yeah, I was in the car. I was driving back. I was in the car for like hours and I was just like, damn, I can't believe Kobe died. And I just looked at the internet, the whole car ride. Yeah. Well, also, it's a race issue now. So now like people making fun of Kobe.

That was a weird time when people became staunch rape activists, and they were like, he's a fucking rapist. And it's like, all right. Cleared in court. It got dropped because of some money. Really? Oh, yeah. That was right.

We talked about this. That's when the judge was like, wait, you had other come in you? Slut. Yeah, yeah, yeah you yeah yeah yeah yeah right right right um yeah then it goes to the re thing everybody was getting in his ass it's like dude we shouldn't have access to each other bro i am the it was funny like re like the joke was kind of exactly what happened people like where's the joke in this it's like the joke is all everybody fucking spazzing over a tweet that's kind of the joke about people who spaz out about it yeah i mean he's doing it to troll true i mean like that's the joke yeah he is he's saying something awful at the worst time possible and then having like rappers and shit like post a video from the car being like our shafir however, however you say your name, whatever it is,

you can't be saying shit like that. Just like threatening him. Like, you fucking Jew. Yeah, again, the whole online ecosystem is strange. Because then someone's like, this is my time now. I've got to shut him down. But again, if you died and people started if people started

trashing you yeah I would be like yo this is what it is bro you better yo you better if I die you better correct that expeditiously you better I would I would be checking everyone dude that'd be fun I was thinking about making one for Ari what do you mean about filming one from my

car and being like yo Ari Shaf, you don't fuck around like that. Make a video that I was going to beat his ass. Was it like L.A. rappers attacking him? Yeah, and it was Godfrey, the comedian. That guy's ready to fuck somebody up, bro. He wants to. He was trying to get us. He called us Klansmen.

He saw us on Real Ass Podcast and was like, nah, I don't want that. Yeah, true. He saw me tap right away. He was like, nah, I don't want that. Yeah, true. He saw me tap right away. He was like, nah, I don't want that. He saw me. He's like, I don't want to smoke with him. He saw my grain goatee and was like, heard I do 2.2 miles in 27 minutes. He knows the type of athletes he's dealing with here.

What is that, an Ironman, bro? I don't know. Godfrey would rain on us. Nah, dude. He would. Nah, you saw me. I never give up, Godfrey would rain on us. Nah, dude. He would. Nah, you saw me. I never give up, dude. I'll just go out.

I'll die. I'll hurt him on the way. He would kill you. That's what I said. I'll hurt him on the way out there, dude. True, I like that. I'm a madman. I like that.

Nah, I really hope I don't have to fight this guy. We're not going to fight that guy. But we would definitely prevail. We would team up. Yeah, I mean, two on one. I think we got a pretty good shot. Yeah, you grab him, you grab him, we both scream. We both grab his legs and start squealing.

What are we doing? What's the cast? We're having a good time. Yeah. What do you got going on? So, I'm at Topgolf all weekend, bro. Return, dude. Return.

I was nervous about doing a half an hour. Yeah, for people that don't know Topgolf is basically like I mean New York has the cellar LA has the store Obviously We have Philly has Topgolf

Mount Laurel This is Mount Laurel This is Mount Laurel This is the mecca This is the comedy capital of Mount Laurel, New Jersey Dude It's a sweet gig Oh it's in Jersey

Yeah it's in Mount Laurel, New Jersey Wow Dude you go into this place It's like a fucking arena It's like It looks like an outdoor Like stadium type setup Spud put it the best He into this place it's like a fucking arena it's like it looks like an outdoor like stadium type setup spud put it the best he was saying that it's like someone built a cruise that just sits in a parking lot yeah that's what it looks like dude and the employees all wear the

same exact shit it's black spandex red jackets and they ever been on a cruise before no it's just like i've been in a casino similar but there's this weird creepy everyone's like and they're like super helpful and they're all over you but you get the sense that like somebody's like beating the fuck out of them somewhere it was bizarre it's like we were asking the one guy to adjust the light and like i was like actually i didn't really care about the light being adjusted but my comrades dude in comedy were like and they had a point because the light was blue for some reason so the person on stage was lit like miles davis whoever's on stage was like blue and it's super dark so i asked the dude i'm like hey can you adjust it this guy was like uh i gotta maybe tomorrow maybe i can just you know so there's that there was a heavy corporate

place oh like everything had to be run they were asking like can you do we get a food discount i'm like yo what's up with the food and they were like uh let me ask you guys get 25 off they give us 50 off off. Wow. Literally, I asked four people. And it was just one of those things like, I'm not the one to talk to about that. It's like, dude, fire up four fucking burgers. It bothers me so much. It was crazy. That type of fucking bureaucracy of a fucking Topgolf.

Over just a couple of burgers. The red tape around a fucking burger for a comedian at a Topgolf. It's like, dude, just put it on the fucking grill. Just do it. Grab a burger. You can do it. Out of the 10,000 frozen burgers back there. Nothing bad is going to happen.

No one is going to know. Dude, they literally get tractor trailers full of burgers from probably Cisco or Aramark. We'll say their burgers are actually not bad. I was eating them. Eating them? You were munching more. I was eating them. Eating them? You were munching more than one burger? What are you doing? I ate burgers the first night I was there.

My contract was two days. You had a two-day contract. Two-day contract. So I did two shows Tuesday, munched one burger, then munched a burger with Spud. Obviously, Spud was there. He was getting burgers, so we cheers burgers and munched burgers there. And then I forgot I told my mommy for my birthday dinner. She's like, what do you want? before i'm like burgers so i wimped out dude and had burgers three

days in a row scotty dude and then for my birthday instead of having a top golf your mommy's making you burgers dude that is like birthday burgers that's scotty ascension dude yeah you go to top golf a lot of chat it might might be Chad Ascension. It actually is, yes. I think it might be the... You hit up Buffalo Wild Wings and you and your boys go to Topgolf, put down a bucket of Michelobes. And hit balls.

Get fucking shit-faced. Yeah, bro. That actually sounds really great. Dude, I... If I wasn't doing comedy, you can guarantee I would be doing that. I'm going to go... My... My life would be that.

My wife bought my brother-in-law. Which I am saying is sick. I'm going to go. My life would be that. My wife bought my brother-in-law. Which I am saying is sick. I'm going back there as a civilian, bro. I'm going to put on an Under Armour polo. I'm going to put on some dungarees. Damn, dude. I might dust mine off like a superhero.

Let's go. I'm fine. The game's pulling me back in. Dude, we should. Brush off the dust off my fucking coach's polo. Get out there to the Topgolf. Black out. Dude, I'm telling you. I told Andrew. I was like, dude, have I ever got a terminal diagnosis? we should rush off the dust off my fucking coach's polo get out there to the top golf blackout dude i'm telling you i told andrew i was like dude if i ever got a terminal diagnosis this was the vibe

at this point it was again spud again dude obviously he's a genius he was like dude this is the height of the american empire you go in there some djs is blasting techno there's a night club there's people hitting golf balls into like this beautifully lit fucking like walled in air. It's just like surreal. It doesn't even look real. It literally looks like a simulation. So then you go in. And then these same animals have the audacity to criticize some, you know, some drone strikes in the Middle East.

What do you think is keeping the lights on at Topgolf, guys? Dude, this is. We got to bomb some fucking schools in order to get this. I mean, I honestly you see this and you're kind of like you can start bomb some fucking schools in order to get this i mean i i honestly you see this and you're kind of like you can start doing the fucking like way in the hands where you're like i don't know this is fucking maybe it's worth it everyone's laughing everyone's having a good old time build that very diverse environment very diverse in there still need to build a wall dude they're trying to get our top golf they're gonna get in there dude the lads

are coming for the golf block the balls dude the balls, dude. God damn it. Dude, and then there was the fucking comedy place. You go through almost like a maze of shit, and then it's like, boom. Weird little comedy club behind curtains. You filled every show pretty much for the most part. And was the room loud? I mean, if it's a curtain wall. A little bit of music, but an old vet like me, I wasn't bothered by it.

No, it's like riding a bike. It was nothing. You just got back on and rode. Dude, the crowds weren't bad. Really? Except for the last show. Felt like that would be a horrible crowd. Dude, that's what I thought it was going to be, like straight casino crowds.

Wasn't bad. Was not a bad crowd, dude. It was bizarre. But the last crowd got fucking live. So this is the fifth one. So I'm like, I'm done. Now you're in cruise control. I'm done. I'm done.

You go in. There's a party of like seven birthday chicks. There were like 40-something drinking. They're 20-year-olds. They were fucked up. So they were heckling the whole. So they started heckling the first two comedians. God damn, they're the worst.

Crazily heckling. Yeah. So then I was like, okay, so this show doesn't matter. Like, this show's done. It doesn't matter. Yeah. So I went on. I started making fun.

The lady left as soon as I went on. Walked on stage. It was like a 360 Tomahawk trash. Called her Trashy Spice, dude. She got fucked. She had a pink, like highlighter pink tank top with like a ponytail that goes straight up and then falls down. She did look like a Spice girl.

So I crushed her. And I was saying, they kind of like, they got her out of the room, they threw like Percocets on the ground like they did for E.T. with Skittles and fucking tricked her out.

It was merciless. And then the lady, her other lady started sticking up for her. I was like, seriously though, was there like an emergency at the hair cuttery?

They called her in. And dude, I was just fucking having a good old time. There was a lot of dogs there all weekend, too. I heard. All of them, dude, the average weight of a dog is like 220 muscle bound. Bro.

Six dudes walked out of nowhere just fucking yoked. Matt, Matt, I've been telling you this. This is insane. Bro, I've been telling you this. Holy fuck, bro. I've been out on the road and seeing the dogs, dude. Dude, they're so fucking yoked. I'll stand in the back and watch people walk in.

I'll be like, that's a dog. You can just see them walk in. You can can just see him bro i'm telling you yes so they come in and they're just you know the dogs are doing things i'm having fun i'm showing off for the dogs at this point i'm having fun making fun of this lady her friend is like actually i am a hairdresser so what do you got to say about that and i was like just says i'm right so exactly that's what i called so you know it was it was a good time then i talked to the dogs the dogs or can be overzealous they certainly can they get greedy so doogie was going last do you was going last so when i got done i told i told you if i left i'm like i'm gonna run right out of here because spud's taking me home so me and spud obviously fuck we just you know put the

coats on we get out we start to leave the dogs like five or four or five of the dogs just get up and leave and do he's like dude they have bright orange dog or auntie was calling you they have bright orange hunting hats on so they get up to leave and doogie's like you know he's like oh why don't you guys leave it now and they're like yeah the fucking real guy just got done i'm like no no yeah that can happen so they're like yeah dude the real comic just got done shut the fuck up just being fucking do that just being dicks. But they get out and I'm like, damn, you guys, I was just telling them how, I was just commenting

on their bodies. Like, you guys are so fucking strong. And they're like, bro, you don't understand. You got the militia going. I was like, oh, dude. Slow down. What are you doing, dude? You need to come with me on the road.

You can't be by yourself. I have no idea what you're going to be doing. I was just telling them they look good. I was just affirming. I was doing some body positive stuff for the dogs. Yeah, you're like, you guys are good white men, jacked white men. I like it. No way.

The other guy walked by, another dog, and I was like, bro, you're... He was like, yo, bro, cast rules. I'm like, your fucking yoke just flexes at me. And I was like, dude, fuck, yes. Yeah. I mean, it's just 2020, strong, clean, masculine energy, bro. Yes. Just clean, masculine energy. That's what 2020 is about. For sure. Strong, clean, masculine energy, bro. Yes. It's clean, masculine energy.

That's what 2020 is about. For sure, dude. Clean, masculine energy. None of that toxic masculinity junk. Just, no. We're leaving that behind. Secure, clean, masculine energy. Yep.

I mean, you can maybe not heckle the headliner. Please don't heckle the headliner. I'm so dead. They're like, yeah, we already saw the real dog, dude. Yeah. Just, you know. That happened to me with Voss. I was opening for Voss.

Some of the dogs got after him. Dogs are loyal. Yeah. I got done. They're like, put Shane back on. I was like, shut the fuck up. Shut up. Not Voss like that.

He didn't give a fuck. True. I'm sure he's just like, okay, whatever. Whatever. Just went and did his set. I think people are surprised, though, when they hear about the loyal dog base, dude. Yeah. Because, you know, most comics don't have fans.

True. You said it. You said it. So it's like, yeah. They're like, holy shit, you guys have people that come to your shows? Like, yeah. But they say that, but you don't understand, bro. They don't understand that it's not about sports.

It's family, dude. It's family. Yeah, dude. This week was not about sports for me, bro. This week was definitely not about comedy. It was about family. It was about life, dude. That's what Topgolf was about.

Topgolf is about life, bro. Topgolf is life. Dude, I'm telling you, one weekend you're off, I'm going to reserve a little thing. I told Spot, I was like, have you ever got a terminal diagnosis? Now I know I'm going to go to Topgolf every night and drink like 10 rum and Cokes, eat tendies, and just hit balls into the thing until I just pass out and die. I'm going to spread your ashes at a every night and drink like 10 rum and Cokes, eat tendies and just hit balls into the thing until I just pass out. I'm going to spread your ashes at a Topgolf. Please do, dude.

Just spread on the third floor, dude. Just fucking. It'll be like, it'll be like one of the gender reveals. I'll put your ashes in a golf ball. Just launch it. I was going to say, I'm going to ask Topgolf if they'll let me pay to drive around in a little cage. They had the cage vehicle.

So I'm going to ask them if they'll let me pay to drive around a little cage they had the cage vehicle so i'm gonna ask them if they'll let me drive that thing they won't i'd pay they're not gonna let you how do you how much money those guys probably make what like the red tape around the burger true they're not gonna let you how much you think a golf ball like expedite that's nasa technology the guy who's in that that's a moon that's a moonwalker i think i think only you got to be in the air force before you drive one of those driving range. A lot of former, yeah, a lot of former Air Force guys. Fighter pilots. Yeah, that's what they do.

They retire, then they drive. I mean, dude, I need to find a dude who does that. Yeah? I think, dude, that's the sickest job of driving around. I think, personally, that's one of the most coveted positions of driving the fucking...

You don't think so imagine first off all those guys are hungover or drunk imagine being hungover and people are up there like hit the fucking loser see if you can hit that loser in the golf cart how loud that thing must ring off the cage dude just like fucking pieces of shit no dude none of those golf collectors are happy no i think there's a secret brotherhood of the guys who drive the fucking golf ball thing, guys who live behind bowling alleys. You know the dudes back with the pins? Yeah, they hang out in the pin area.

Dude, those are El Cucos. Where is that, dude? Those are absolute El Cucos. Where is that? Those are El Cucos. Yeah, you walk in there, dude. It's probably a whole different dimension. That's Los Cucos.

Being behind a bowling alley? Yeah. Think about that. Who knows what you're doing back, dude, it's probably a whole different dimension. That's Los Cucos. Being behind a bowling alley? Yeah. Think about that. Who knows what you're doing back there. Balls flying back at you? Yeah. Get back and fix aisle three. Fuck!

God, shit! Fuck! There's like Civil War vets, dude, going back there. Ball! We're being a fucking pussy. Ball's coming down the lane while you're fixing. He's like, don't do it! Don't ball!

Imagine screaming out from the back of one of those at some kids. Don't ball when I'm back here. Come on, you're waiting for the bumpers to lower. It's like, come on, come on, get down. Ah, my fucking shit. That's a shitty job. That's a shitty job. Dude, on the way home, we passed toll booth operators,

and that was when I was just like, they are the fucking oracles of our time. Yeah. If you see a dude in a toll booth anymore it's like you have all day you're just contained in a thing you're just a cat you're a human cash register yeah you're just making that's fucking nuts yeah you just stare across to the other the booth over that's automated just looking at the robot that's better than you at your job you see people just being looking at you like fuck that and like going over to the robot like sweet yeah i don't have to talk to this low life i mean the

fact dude the fact that there's a rumor i don't know if it's true that they commit suicide the most out of most jobs they're over a beaten mailman toll booth operators committing suicide yeah that's obviously they probably find out the secret to life and they're right done yeah done did it just step out in front of the next yeah that's a secret to life and they're like, all right, done. Yeah, done. Did it. Just step out in front of the next. Yeah. That's the secret to life. Chevy Cruze. Next Chevy Cruze coming down.

So the highest suiciders? Yeah, I don't know if that's true. But that's a rumor. I've been told that. That's fair. Yeah. We passed them. I just looked in.

I'm like, first of all, such a tainted. I think anesthesiologists are up there as well. Killing themselves? Yeah. They get a little goofy with the gas. Well, they got the tools. Yeah. It's like, did you ever hear about, what's it called?

It was in London. London had all those, they had a lot of suicides back when. It was called town gas or something. So back in the day, they sent this gas into these little ovens, and you can just stick your head in the oven and kill yourself. That's how Sylvia Plath died. Oh, nice. Sylvia had, I forget what the fuck it's called. It was a no sylvia had they had it was i forget what the

fuck it's called it was a certain type of gas i think it was odorless too so you could just pop your head in there it fired up and like tons of people were killing themselves and they were like well people are going to kill themselves they're going to kill themselves but then they finally switched out town gas and suicide dropped they stopped significantly that's the whole thing yeah you have an easy suicide just sitting in your kitchen at all times that's what the one guy found out because they were like i mean dude we take away handguns people are still gonna somehow kill themselves the numbers drops severely no one wants to kill themselves with a knife for sure yeah for sure that's a cutting the wrists is a weird one uh that's a that gives me the

willies in the tub well it's also too suicide is not like a it's not like a lifelong mission it's like a surge of depressive yeah energy you're just like, fuck it. Yeah. So if you have to research it as time goes on, there's a chance you won't do it. But that was a study because they were like, dude, you could take away town gas and people are still going to kill themselves. And they're like, oh, actually, our bad on that one. Suicide dropped a lot. It dropped a lot.

Yeah. Turns out when suicide is a little harder, people sit it out. Yeah. Most times. Sure. Because, you know, when you're very depressed, you don't want to make an effort. True. Get it out of the house.

I think we've said it before, dude. Trying to kill yourself and live in. That's a tough one. Unless you stick your head in the oven and you live. Then you're good. What do you mean? If you failed at that suicide attempt. That's secret. You're just like, oh, you just keep going about your you mean? If you failed at that suicide attempt. That's secret.

You're just like, oh, you just keep going about your day. You're just like, that was weird. I tried to do that earlier. It's tough stuff, dude. Thinking about who's walking around with failed suey attempts under their belt. That is. It's a very tough thought, yeah. That's the thing, dude.

You look at someone, you never know what the fuck is going on with them. No. You have no fucking clue. Nope. What bats are rattling around in their head. Oh, speaking of bats rattling around. What happened? It kind of goes to the Topgolf thing, too.

O'Connor, I mean, O'Connor was telling me there's some cruise ship. Yeah. That apparently the, the, coronavirus? Coronavirus? Yeah. Sure.

That they have that on the, and they're just quarantined on this fucking cruise ship for like a month like gilligan's island yeah you're just on the cruise ship they're not letting it off they all got it no it's just on the ship i don't know what bro i don't i don't imagine that dude imagine being stuck at a top golf for a month that's swag's hell. Well, they'd have to still be giving you, because if you paid for the cruise ship package and you get stuck on it, they still got to bring you room service.

I went on a Royal Caribbean, bro. It was nonstop soft serve ice cream as much as you wanted. Apple juice as much as you could drink. How old were you? I was like 14, 15. I think as an adult, you'd be able to, I think you'd be upset.

Stuck on a cruise? Yeah. Well, then it becomes a whole thing of maritime law. So then if you potentially took out the captain, you would literally be in charge. So, I'm just saying. Damn. And then you could just make people get married.

Captains can marry people. You could just look at your friends and be like, you two are married. That's pretty touching. You could just look at your friends and be like, you two are married. That's pretty touching. You could just gay marry everybody on the ship. Just forcefully gay marry everyone. I think that was a lot of mutinies about in the pirate days.

What, just the captain trying to joke gay marry people? Yeah. We're not doing it. I'm cutting your head off. I'm captain now. Divorce. That's how a lot of guys lost their

legs like no seriously you guys kiss i'm the captain you guys have to kiss maritime law true you have to kiss damn so they're stuck at sea i i mean to be honest i'd be fucking miserable that's do they keep the entertainment going like come on guys i bet they have let's go to the disco techo i bet they do i think it's italian too by the way did you just guess that or did i say that cruises tend to be like have that international vibe where it's do. I think it's Italian, too, by the way. Did you just guess that, or did I say that? Cruises tend to have that international vibe, where it's like... Yeah, I think it's in the Mediterranean. Could be wrong. It's got a bunch of Italians on a boat.

A bunch of WAPs. Oh, dude, it's probably like fucking Gamora, dude. Yeah, on a Dago cruise. Oh. Fuck, I'd be praying for a fucking iceberg, bro. Yeah. If I was on the for a fucking iceberg, bro. Yeah. If I was on the fucking SS WAP, dude. SS Trapped WAPs, dude.

Trapped WAPs, they're going to be bummed. I'd be watching Titanic like a fucking porno. Titanic. It is a Titanic. I'd be watching Titanic like a porno, dude. Just be like, I fucking hope we fucking go down, dude. those fucking syrian refugees passing by on rafts are probably like fuck you that sucks you guys yeah man oh my god yeah i uh i don't buy the coronavirus shit dude not for a motherfucking second what don't you buy about it the casualties are at like 600

china has how many billion people? China's also pretty, they're all right with lying about numbers. True. Remember that giant explosion in that one city? There's footage of it. Which one? Huge chemical plant exploded in the city.

One of the biggest explosions. You can see it. It's online. It's fucking terrifying. And then the Chinese government was like, nobody died. It's like, what? Like, what, you guys all head off yeah pretty funny there's like it was martin luther king day we obviously was unmanned how would they say uh martin luther's martin luther okay yeah dude obviously come on i don't know it's 2020 shane it's 2020 you should do the

appropriate accent i don't just force them into Americanized English that's racist thank you that means I don't speak Chinese actually excuse me pardon me

thank you now if we're gonna do an Asian accent we gotta learn Mandarin so we can properly do Asian accents dude I was joking about putting together like if if

one of the possibilities of a perfect apology for the snl thing would have been to record myself in perfect mandarin apologizing you should have that would have been so funny you should have been like excuse me sorry i just i'm multicultural yeah i know a little chinese bro thank you i think means chinese language how do you say don't tell anybody about this disease? I don't know. But yeah, dude, 600 dead.

I think what's going on means, but obviously we think and my brother, they're trying to roll out a global vaccine so they're trying to tap a global market with vaccines so it's like oh the crows are coronavirus it's fucking spreading like wildfire there's a thing on netflix apparently about this how like diseases could spread any like if this disease spread new york would be dead in 10 seconds blah blah blah blah uh but again if you were to be able to fearmonger enough, and then you now... I mean, that documentary is about a guy

trying to come up with a vaccine. Yeah, and Bill Gates is apparently like, he's like, oh, plug me into Bill Gates, and then we'll sell this thing to all the countries. So now there's people... Dude, again, this is just a rise to global capital. So now there's people saying like, oh, yeah, selling Oxycontin to America was pretty tight.

But what if we could make everybody have to take vaccines that we sell somebody it's like fucking girl scout cookies somebody's getting paid off girl scout cookies that's a bunch of fucking bullshit so it's like if you were to take that's a bunch of fucking bullshit that's fucking bullshit dude why i'm a capitalist bro so what are you doing paid yeah good they're making a great product. Yeah, but they're pandering. They're doing some weird... First of all, Girl Scout cookies are subpar cookies, bro. What did you just say?

Why don't they just have the Girl Scouts bake their own cookies and sell them? Why does some shit... Why would you ever do that? Cookies would stink, dude. Yeah, but they'd learn. You think they're coming up with Samoans? They could learn. Doubt it.

They could... Nah, they're Samoans. You think Girl Scouts should learn how to... They don't call them Carmel Delights, actually. Excuse me, Shane.bt it. They could. Nah, they're smelling. You think women. They don't. Excuse me. Girl Scouts should learn how to. They call them Carmel Delights, actually. Excuse me, Shane. Pardon me. Excuse me.

They're called Carmel Delights, dude. You think the women. You think the Girl Scouts should be like, hey, you guys need to learn how to bake cookies. That's your suggestion? I mean, the Boy Scouts could do it, too. How dare you. They should learn. Yeah, you should learn how to fucking cook, dude.

What's wrong with that? I'm just asking you a question. Yeah, I think the Girl Scouts should teach baking. Yeah, they should cook. They should cook their own cookies, make their own cookies, and then be able to,

the local lodge should take in the money rather than who the fuck makes those cookies. And they last forever, too. They'll load it with junk. They'll load it with junk and preservatives. Well, they're cookies. Yeah. Let the girls make their own.

Look, I'm not going to get it. I'm talking about vaccines right now, bro. Don't get me started. I still got to investigate the Girl Scouts. On big Girl Scout cookie? Dude, think about how much they fucking make. $4 a box, dude. My brother had a good idea.

Huh? It's actually pretty cheap. What? $4 a box? That's nice. Two sleeves? A box of cookies? Come on, man.

Wait, it's only two sleeves? I think you get two sleeves of Thin Mints per box. You walked in with a box of Girl Scout cookies, didn't you? Well, my niece is selling them, so I bought, obviously, I'll give me one of every kind. So this is hot on the brain. Exactly, dude. You're fired up. I've been thinking about the Girl Scouts Enterprise for a while.

You're thinking about Girl Scouts? I'm thinking about their Enterprise, bro. Okay. I mean, think about what they're doing. Yeah. Pimping out young women to sell their cookies. It's kind of fucked up. They knew how that works too.

If you're a parent, you got to pay up front. So you got to be like, all right, fuck, give me like three boxes. And you pay $4 a box all the way up. They don't give you a break. They don't front at all either. They won't front you them. You have to pay. So you got to hit Girl Scout cookie poppy with cash.

And then you're just – now it's on you. You've invested. This poor parent whose daughter comes home and is like, I to hit Girl Scout cookie poppy with cash. And then you're just now it's on you. You've invested this poor parent whose daughter comes home and is like, I'm a Girl Scout. I have to sell cookies, even though you just fucking don't. Now you get this weird peer pressure where you have to buy these cookies and then invest your goddamn hardworking Americans invest in their own money. Pressuring other people to buy these fucking crappy cookies, dude. Pisses me off. I'm fucking pissed, too, now. And then you have these motherfuckers with these global crappy cookies dude pisses me off i'm fucking pissed too now and then you have

these motherfuckers with these global vaccines dude i'm telling you vaccines also i don't i'm not against vaccination but it's like oh coronavirus uh 600 people died we should all have now they're like it's come on it's time guys global vaccine who the fuck's selling that oh the same people who brought you oxycontin it's the big it's pharmaceutical companies dude people be like fuck big pharma oh if you don't have a vaccine you're a fucking idiot it's like same fucking people dude yeah but that does all right so the product it can still be good it's just the pricing is a little ridiculous so you can say fuck big pharma and still be like no you need vaccines sure 100 yeah and it's like, no, you need vaccines. Sure. One hundred percent.

Yeah. And it's like, again, you're dealing with the Sacklers who did Oxycontin. They pin it all on the Sacklers. But like, dude, you're telling me all those chemists didn't look at it and go, this is heroin, dudes. Yeah. They're fucking chemists. They know what it looks like. So all you know, you're always just that one. We got the bad guys.

It's like the fuck out of here, dude. And then again, dude, you're going to start moving in moves of global markets now to where they can link up all these people and be like Europe, America, name anyone else. The government's going to pay for these vaccines. And then whoever, whatever company makes them are doing trillion dollar deals. That's what I'm talking about. Fuck that, dude. Trillion dollar deals. Fuck. I like it. Fuck that, dude. Trillion dollar deals. Fuck that, bro.

I like it. Fuck it, dude. You don't like it? I don't like people, well, no, make a trillion dollar deal, but if that involves fear mongering and fucking with the public consciousness,

no, I don't like that. Yeah. And then being like, oh, I'm sorry, you don't, watch the documentary. I did. You watch it?

One family doesn't like vaccines, they're like hippies. That family sorry, you don't watch the documentary. I did. You watch it? Yeah. One family doesn't like vaccines. They're like hippies. That family is a bunch of fucking dipshits. They're hippies. Of course. Yeah, but who made that documentary and why, dude? Yeah.

Well, I'm sure if you filmed any anti-vax family, they're going to come out pretty similar. What about flu shots? When's the last time you had a flu shot? I don't know. Dude, 30%. It's 30% effective. If I was a geezer, I'd get a flu shot. Fuck it, bro.

I'm not going to die from the flu right now. Yeah, dude. Kids and geezers. That's who also the coronavirus is killing. Well, they're telling me I got to get all these fucking vaccines because I'm having a kid. So you need to get whooping cough. I'm like, man, get the fuck out of my face with that. I got the flu shot from my seat, obviously, but it was pissing me off that I had to get it.

Just get the vaccine. I'm not getting a woman cough bro why I fucking this bullshit they do the same thing with my dog you got to get uh lepto which is in case your dog drinks out of a fucking puddle it's like well if a deer pees in a puddle and your dog drinks that puddle it's like motherfucker get out of my face yeah shit all right and then they're like well you sure you don't want it's the same thing are you sure you don't want it? It's the same thing. Are you sure you don't want it? Yeah, you don't love your dog? Okay. Fuck you, dude. I've never heard of this before, and I've had dogs my whole life.

None of them died from drinking deer piss. So if you'd please get that $50 fucking shit out of my face, I'd appreciate that. I'm with you on that. Then it's like, oh, what are you, an anti-vaxxer? You're building a straw man. Who, me? Yes. How am I building a straw man?

The deer piss puddle. I agree with you on that. That's some bullshit, bro. But. Does anyone research all the ones. If a real doctor is telling you to get a whooping cough shot, consider it. They say, we suggest you do. Okay.

What the fuck? Do I have to get it or not? Well, we suggest. Shut the, knock it off. Okay. I don't have no motherfucking. I like that you're going in and fucking, like, hard bargain doctors. Well, it's like, what do I need that for?

And they're like, well, give me the. Dude, I'm a master's level student. It like let me see the literature excuse me part of me could i see the literature at least show me the car facts exactly sorry cars on the brain 2018 chevy cruz excuse me bro i'm just you know again i'm not an anti-vaxxer but it's like also let me see the ingredients but you're taking steps you're getting close well it's where it begins no start asking some questions well this is what pisses me off the ingredients. But you're taking steps. You're getting close. Well, it's all... This is where it begins. You start asking some questions. Well, this is what pisses me off. You follow down.

You can find it. You can't even ask questions about vaccines because you're a quote-unquote anti-vaxxer, which is what? A construct of the media, who is what? Be held into billionaires. So it's like, if you're like, well, what's in that vaccine? You're like, oh, you're now a fucking dude drinking out of a fucking survival straw and sipping puddles and shit that which is tight.

Yeah, that's awesome. But it's like, no, no, no. I just want to know what the fuck you guys are injecting into my body. Just so everybody knows the patron money is eventually going to go towards a

compound. We are definitely going to become survivalists. Well, dude, if you think about it, I need a generator for an Xbox. We're hedging our bets. We're doing good because if shit does hit the fan again

there are dudes who have straws that you can drink a puddle with yes that's who you need and the dogs are full squad we are a good we can put together a good compound for sure an elite combat and that's where you and me are going to have trouble that's where it's going to be a lot like animal farm how do you feel a bit of a you a Stalin-Trotsky type situation. I'm going to go ahead and guess I'm Stalin. You're more of an idealist. I'm more of a, I'm going to fucking, all right, we got to kill that motherfucker. I should be calling all the shots.

Well, the good thing, too, this is the whole point of doing a podcast in case you guys. Beezer is my fucking right-hand man. Oh, you for sure. That's a good hench, our squad yeah but who knows dad me they could side with you we'd all side together why you already divided us i'm gonna cut your head off as soon as the apocalypse you're gonna construct an event and blame it on me of course i'm gonna false flag big time people ask like what do you get out of podcasting it's like bro don't you realize all we're doing we're podcasting oh yeah we're laughing all this yeah we're good obviously that's nothing to do with goofing we're setting up a network across the united states so when shit falls we can just be

like dogs dogs hit that acme oh tallahassee take down the acme it's going to become 1914 it's going to be 19 we're going to occupy grocery stores. It's 1914. Dude. It's 1914 all over again. That's what a podcast is about. Yeah, it's about the game. Survival, bro. Yeah, we can contact.

We can say, dogs in Tallahassee, you need to get the wheat from the fucking Whole Foods. Bro, I used to fantasize about stopping school shootings. They have passed. Now I fantasize about storming a Whole Foods. And could I? Who would I be up against? If you think about dudes who have fucking... Especially in a city. Dudes who are secretly carrying assault rifles.

If shit did go down, down. Dude, it would be wild. Once people figured out the cops quit. Dudes are just like, wait, huh? And they're like, sick. I've been hiding this AR-15 all this time. You just wait huh and they're like sick i've been hiding this ar-15 all this time yeah just walk around you're like yo i'm in charge now fuck you guys that's crazy well hoss almost had a brush with the law what happened to the hoss man bro he called

me such a fucking dickhead he he's he's such a youtuber like excuse me no i do not have to roll the window down he did that no he it's. Haas, it might be a landmark case, dude. So I'm going to quote Haas. So he's in the gym. He runs three miles. He runs a fucking 5K every day. Oh, that's right. He's a D1 athlete.

Yeah, he runs a 5K. He's actually starting a man cave for like if anyone wants to wrestle and smoke weed. He wants to start like a man cave where people can just like wrestle. I'm starting to agree with these people that Rogan might not be the best for the general population. So, Hoss is in the gym. He's running his daily 5K. No big deal. He brings his dog everywhere.

Yeah. So, his dog, he has a pickup truck with a hop cap. His dog is in the back with a hop cap. So, some fellow gym members see a dog outside. It's cold out. So, they call the cops. So, the police come come hoss is leaving you know getting out of the gym the guy comes up to me he's like yo hoss cops are here for you

that's the worst thing you can tell hoss it's 1914 all over he's got a boner bro he's just oh i get to argue with cops awesome yeah goes outside and they're like yo dude your dog's in your car right who said my dog can't be in my car well show me the law that it's illegal for my dog to be in my car and they're like bro it law that it's illegal for my dog to be in my car. And they're like, bro, it's freezing outside. Haas, this is where it comes to landmark case. Haas versus the Montgomery County Police, whoever he's fighting. He did the Scotty defense. Haas went, if it's so cold, how come I'm wearing shorts out right now?

Oh, my God. Pure Scotty defense. That's absolute Scotty. Dude, just be like, if it was so cold, how come I'm wearing shorts? If I can wear shorts outside, therefore I can leave my dog outside. If you wear the shorts boldly, it ain't that coldly. Yes. Scotty Cochran.

Scotty Cochran. Scotty Cochran. He literally claimed Scotty's sanctuary. I was like, oh, no, but my shorts are on my shorts are on outside therefore my dog could be in my car dude that was crazy it's ultimate scotty law he calls me fear fuming he's like and i'm like what the fuck i yelled at the cop and it's like well he also claimed the breed of his dog he said it's half bernice mountain dog so he goes bro this thing's he's like if it wasn't in my car right now be my backyard the cops just like then put it in your fucking backyard bro

yeah i just i gotta call say there's a dog in the car i gotta contact you and then he gets hit with the scotty defense that was like intersectionality was something like lawyer came up with that hoss made a coin something that carries us into the next realm of social justice they're gonna cite this oh dude this that'll be the landmark case he he i think he was like the guy was like 2020 the scotty versus montgomery police i mean that'll be the case it won't happen now because the uh the guy was like i'll give you a warning he's like warning for what warning for what the guy's basically being too yes read between the lines here bro i gotta just like look at you and be like blah blah blah yeah go back to my fucking car no he was like i'd love for you to give me i'd love to go to court for this right now so they could their landmark case might hit

that'll be the trial of the century do that that'll be crazy he should wear gym shorts to the fucking court bright red legs dude he's like it's not even cold out jury selection would be so sick for it just being like what do you think of Slim Jims they're like I love him yes we would like him on the

jury number 12 please how many monster energies have you had today he's like this is my third he's like perfect

I'm gonna go ahead and check that as a yes for that juror oh my god yeah dude he listed it he called he called the Scotty defense

Scotty defense is a good defense And I'm at work dude I'm just like It's fucked up bro Yeah Oh man it's fucked Which again it's like Sure

I mean dude You know How cold was the dog? Did they look at the dog? Well Was the dog shivering? I supplied him You know I'm like

I'm like a Scotty paralegal In a sense You are I do like You understand the Scotty For sure And when I told him. You know, I'm like a Scotty paralegal in a sense. You are. I do like. You understand the Scotty. For sure. And when I told him, I was like, well, I was like, Hoss, do you think that officer, he had a hop cap.

He's like, dude, it's got to be like 50 degrees in there. I'm like, Hoss, I think that officer doesn't understand the greenhouse effect either. Sunlight's going in and not getting out. I think it was probably like a sauna for that half Burmese mountain dog. I think it was probably sweating in there, bro. It was probably too hot. I was surprised he didn't come out because that dog was too goddamn hot in that thing. So. No, I was just like, yeah, bro, that's fucked.

That's so fun. Yeah, he was fired up. Hoss man was fired up, too. Yeah. So. Yeah, dude. That's great. He had to call upon this guy.

He's like, your officer, your honor, I'd like to show exhibit four, Hoss's bare legs. He's like, object. They're red as hell. They're super fucking red. Your Honor, those calves are red as hell. An Irish man's legs in the winter should be pure white. They're red. Too cold for that goddamn dog.

Sit down. Overruled. God damn it. Damn, dude. I wish I had fun family drama. I mean, dude. Our family drama right now, it's too brutal. It's sad.

It's dark ages. The Gillis clan is in the dark ages right now. Really? What's going on? We got fucking chemo, shit like that going on. Someone broke into my other sister's car. That was pretty wild. What the fuck?

She shattered the windows. Yeah, in the middle of the day. She was at the Y. She was at the Y playing basketball with her female friends. No, she wasn't playing basketball. Yeah, somebody just came in, smashed the windows, snatched her purse. What the fuck?

Yeah. At the Mechanicsburg Y? At the fucking YMCA. What the hell? What the hell? What's the world come to? Grab your straw, brother. I know.

Meet you in the woods. Wait, we got to come up with a good locale for the compound. That seems like a Patreon discussion. True. The whereabouts. What the fuck was I going to say? I also almost stopped a... Well, I got my eyes on a package thief.

Did some neighborhood... Now getting into neighborhood watch? Well, I'm sitting in my house and I see this dude. Dude, he was so fucking funny, man. He has a scarf wrapped all around his face, glasses on, the hood up. And he goes over across the street where my neighbors are and he's near their trash. I'm like, he wasn't trash picking.

I knew it. I'm looking at him. He's doing something fucking shady. And I see him ripping open packages and stuffing stuff into another bag. He starts to leave and open the door. I'm like, dude, what are you doing? He was like, oh, I can't go into trash in my head i'm like i mean i'm not the fucking trash i'm like you can go in the fucking trash you with the scotty defense

actually true he was like it's not your trash dude it's trash which technically isn't true you're not allowed to go through definitely not um unless i guess you're like a cop but the uh yeah so i'm like because i'm like like i'm on the phone with britney she's like tell him he can't go in the fucking i'm like britney sh Yeah so I'm like Cause I'm like I'm on the phone with Brittany She's like Tell him he can't get on the fucking train I'm like Brittany Shush Like

I'm like dude I'm like what are you doing Cause I'm like This guy's stealing shit But then again it's like What am I gonna do Be like Hey there black man

I think you're stealing stuff Yeah He was But it was like I'm 50 feet away So I'm like I can't be like Halt

You're stealing And then he was like No I'm actually just digging through the trash I'm poor and hungry And I'd be like Alright sorry about that Yeah So I investigate I go over I'm like i can't be like halt you're stealing and then he was like no i'm actually just digging through the trash i'm poor and hungry and i'd be like all right sorry about that yeah so i investigate i go over my bullshit i go over i look two packages from the street near us so i go to their house i'm like knock off i'm like you boys expecting a package i'm like bam hit him with the evidence i'm like you guys got fucking heisted they're like oh man those are fucking sheets so he lost his bed sheets.

They sold bed sheets. And there's another guy I went up to. How much are bed sheets? They're pretty cheap. Dude, if your package gets stolen, Amazon refunds it anyway. Like, no matter what, dude. I'm telling you. I've tested it.

How have you tested it? I've had neighbors take packages in. I've called and been like, my goddamn package is stolen. And I got my package, and my neighbor's like, oh, by the way, I had a package that my neighbor was like oh by the way i had your package i'm like oops thank you bezos that sounds like a nice little trick i mean dude if you want to you this guy if you want to steal packages you just need to dress like fucking amelia he had like full fucking glasses on he looked like a baron pilot he was so shady it was the funniest fucking thing, I can't go in the trash dressed like in total disguise? It's like, all right, bro.

So yeah, I told him. I was like, I know what the thief looks like. So now it's tight. We're all on the lookout for a thief right now in our neighborhood. It's going to be tight. He's obviously going to be back.

No, he's coming back. I can't wait. I mean, I'll be salty. If my package got snatched, I'll be pissed. Yeah. So, I mean, I'm pretty much owed a package

since I've lied to Amazon twice. You can't lie. Why did you lie? It was inadvertent. You cannot lie to our Lord and Savior. I thought my package was gone, and then my neighbor had it. My neighbor had it. Bezos obviously knows.

Bezos knows. He's listening to my phone. He's listening right now. I have Amazon on my phone. Me too, dude. He's through. Yeah, fuck. Bezos is probably on his way here.

I mean, it's like, I got like extra extra I ordered golf tees because our screw was stripped so apparently if you knock a golf tee into like a like a stripped out hole then you can snap it off and screw it in just like advanced carpentry

so I have like 40 golf tees I ended up I was too stupid I couldn't do it I couldn't nail a golf tee in they're too big

so I have 40 golf tees if anyone wants golf tees hit me up I'll send you like 40 of them straight to your mother. You should have brought them to Topgolf. Should have. Should have gave them to the dogs.

Instead of bringing like clubs or anything, you just bring 40 tees. That would have been tight. That would have been a powerful move. Kick the ball off the flyer. A lot of people would have been confused. Yeah. Hell yeah, brother. Yeah, baby.

Hell yeah, brother. What are we at? What are we at time-wise? Bro. Jesus Christ, man. It was exactly an hour. You just fucked up. an hour. All right. Let's switch over to the Patreon.

Pay some dates, bro. The 7th and 8th, this Friday and Saturday, Saratoga Springs, the Comedy Works. Come to that. And then Toronto next Friday and probably Saturday. But next Friday, Toronto, please. You're going to Toronto next Friday, probably Saturday. But next Friday, Toronto. Please. You're going to Toronto next Friday, bro? Yeah.

The Grand Girard Theatre in Toronto. Yeah. I hope I don't, you know, I hope I sell well. I think you'll do well in Toronto, bro. Because me, Norman, and Tim Dillon are all headlining different shows.

Dude. I can't get fucking left in the dust that badly. Wait, so. Toronto dogs, please. So, wait, you guys are all taking turns headlining? Yeah. There'll be dogs at, I think, a lot of the shows. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

For sure. That'll be fucking fun. Yeah, that'll be cool. Right now, I'm just doing my training montage, dude. I'm like, push it to the limit. Oh, dude. I'm at Topgolf. Is that a.

Is that a. Is that a. Is that a. Is that a. Is that a. Is that a. Is that a. Is that a.

Is that a. Is that a. Is that a. Is that a. Is that a. Is that a. Is that a. Is that a.

Is that a. Is that a. Is that a. Is that a. Is that a. Is that a. Is that a. Is that a.

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Is that a. Is that a. Is that a. Is that a. Is that a. Is that a. Is that a. Is that a. Is that a. I was at a Super Bowl party last night with Tim. It was so fucking funny. Dude, everybody's watching the game, and then over to the left, there's just the guy.

We were at Sal's house, and he has a fucking buck hunt. Like a fucking arcade game? In the living room. So everyone's watching the game, and you just look over, and Tim Dillon's playing buck hunt by himself. It's so fucking funny, dude. Oh, you didn't even watch the big game. Didn't see it, bro. What the hell's wrong with you, man? What was I doing last night?

You were probably taking a nap. It's probably sleep time. I wasn't taking a nap. Oh. It was my birthday dinner. I was at my parents' house. That's why I had a big burger. Another burger last night?

I was going to take you out for a burger tonight. That was my third burger. I'll go to Chipotle. That was my third burger. Yeah, we'll go to Chipotle after this. That was my third burg. You want to go to Chipotle in between? That's for a burger tonight. That was my third burger. I'll go to Chipotle. That was my third burger. Yeah, we'll go to Chipotle after this. That was my third burg. You want to go to Chipotle in between? That's not a bad idea.

Hmm. Let's hit Chipotle. Yes, dude. Ooh, I got a little gift card. It's on me. Chipotle's on me, bro. Dude. What else you got?

Yeah, that's it. I'm going to pick up my check at Helium, and I'm going to say, look, gents, throw me back in the fucking feature rotation. I like it. Just so when we do the redemption tour, dude, I'm gonna tell I'm gonna say look gents throw me back in the fucking feature rotation so when we do the redemption tour dude I'm gonna be sharp I'm gonna be fucking sharp the redemption tour is coming it's it is frustrating that it's not coming

it should be here should be now yeah I gotta spit this little rascal out get that rascal spit out and get situated it's coming bro alright well then we should start booking now. That's what I'm saying. Okay. All right.

Now, I'll tell people to book us. Yeah, for sure. Bro, my half hour. I will have the people that work for me start booking things. Yeah. I was going to say something inappropriate, but I caught myself because it's 2020, and I said the people. You're afraid of your team?

Yeah, my team. Yeah, you got wind of my other, the financial team. Why are you afraid to point out Jewish excellence? What? Why are you afraid to point out Jewish excellence? They're not Jewish, Matt, please. Although that one email. I got the forward email.

You got my fucking financial advisor. That's the ultimate J team. Those dudes rule, dude. They do rule. I was so excited to be in that meeting with them when we met the fucking ultimate J-team financial advisors. Yeah, dude. Just talking to Jews about my money.

I'm like, dude, I have no idea. I haven't paid taxes in three years. What do I do? They're like, we got it. God. Come on. They all pull in their fucking phone out of their breast pocket. Hello.

Tell me you got it. Tell me you nailed it. Are they like Ari? No. Like Ari from Entourage? No. Yeah. They were all... Like Ari from Entourage. No, yeah. They were all just tweeting bad obituaries. No, they...

Yeah, it's wild. Going into the Ultimate J meetings is fucking nuts. I've been in business with the J. When you get allied with them in business, it's wild. It's psyched, dude. It's such a... That's the only thing that can beat a good Scotty defense is a strong J defense, dude. Nothing stronger. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. So that's good Scottie defense is a strong J defense. Nothing stronger.

Yeah, that's true. So that's nice. It was good to get you intact. I mean, just the fucking signature on those emails I was sending you. I was forwarding that because I had talked to my team about the Patreon, which was funny. I thought it was significantly more money. It's actually kind of embarrassing. I was in the meeting.

I was like, dude, Patreon's making so much money. Well, it money well it's funny they're probably like oh this is all you and i split it i actually split that and then you know costs you gotta pay 40 bucks a month also for libsyn yeah no rogan's on libsyn what yeah what dude saint rogues yo you see saint rogues mentioned me last week our time is coming he didn't mention you, bro. He broke it down. He was like, look. Come on now. He's talking shit, man. He's talking shit, bro. He's talking shit. And he said, that's what you got to do. St. Rogi's is, he's throwing out little smoke signals.

Please, St. Rogi's. Please, St. Rogi's. It's like Trump's misspellings, dude. Obviously, they're telling something else. You know what I'm saying? Rogi's is our cue. Basically, dude. He basically was like, come to me.

He's like, like guys it's enough yeah I mean he's begging me to get on the show oh for sure dude if he said be on the show tomorrow I would literally

be on a plane right now from Philly I would I'd wear this I'd wear my fucking SDI hoodie you have to you

when when St. Rogues calls upon you that's it you answer you gotta go not even choice dude come on I was I was pumped when he also with Mark Norman has been fucking When St. Rogues calls upon you, you answer. You got to go. It's not even choice, dude.

Come on. I was pumped. Also, Mark Norman's been fucking carrying the sword, bro. Norman, I was actually talking to him about it because he, you know, I'm not saying he gets, like, anxiety, but, you know, it is uncomfortable. Like, I felt weird just kind of defending Ari just a second ago, which is another thing. I didn't want to, like, publicly defend Ari.

Yeah. Because I don't think that's helping. Sure. but I think it is kind of important for people and and again I don't want to talk about it now because I wasn't talking about it before until I got butt fucked and now I'm like comics should help other comics yeah once I got fucked I feel like you felt that way deep I've always felt that way the entire time but you were you were more so in my opinion trashing dudes who were kind of taking that easy route. I was trashing as many dudes as I could that were... Taking that route, bro. Taking that safe bullshit. Taking that little, like, you know...

Even if you're not fucking openly defending someone, definitely don't fucking trash them like that. That's what I'm saying. Even if you were like, eh. I think I may have trashed Kathy Griffin for the Trump beheading pic. I'd like to apologize. That was gay. Are you serious? She beheaded the fucking dog?

She beheaded our fucking president. She beheaded our leader, dude. What did we make fun of her for? Honestly, I don't think we were actually offended that she cut off Trump's head. I definitely was not offended. I think we laughed about it. I definitely was not. The closest I've come to being offended was Ari's tweet.

That got you. That fucking annoyed me. I was like, what a fucking pussy, dude. And then I realized I had been had. I thought he was serious, and I'm like, man, this guy really hates the Lakers. And I just went about my day. No, I mean, I think he does hate the Lakers, but not that much. I think he does it every time someone dies, he tweets something like that.

Tweets something mean. Yes. Well, that's what you get. Yeah, then you get it every once in a while. He was a little too fresh. He came in fresh. Now the game is going to beat him up, dude. The thing that bothered me was I started to say the things people said about us.

Like what? People were talking about the Ari Shafir thing. I think I might have even said it last week where I was like, I don't think anything's – I don't see the joke in it. You know? Like I don't know what was funny about it. You can't just – Did you say that?

Literally the exact same thing people were saying. You didn't say it on here i said it off air wow yeah look dude it's 2020 it's all about personal fucking accountability it's about redemption if i'm gonna be a fraud in a bad spot step on his fucking if i'm gonna be a fraud and a phony like that true behind the door i gotta be open about it. True. You know? Well, that was a tough spot because personally, I did see it and I was like, you know,

that wasn't like, whoa, that's fucking hilarious, but I also, like you were saying, didn't want to be like, I mean, personally,

I don't see the joke, but I also defend Freeze, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I saw and I was like, bad man, you fucking swung.

I just stayed out of it, yeah. You swung, you opened up a can of worms, my friend. Stike. You opened up a can of worms, my friend.

That's all right, you got a couple more strikes. That's a strike. You opened up a can of worms, my friend. That's all right. You got a couple more strikes. I had a strike. Strike! Strike! It's called a strike. But again, it's one thing to see it and be like, ah, you know, fucking he went for it.

Didn't do it for me. God bless him. He went for it hard. I respect the risk. It's a different thing by just being like, I mean, personally, like whatever. I'm just kind of like watching this whole thing envelop and that's like the most interesting thing to me yeah yeah yeah but um yeah and then definitely the worst thing you can do is be like fucking pieces shit yeah which you know some people were close to it that

i know that talked about it sure but like if you're in just another new york comic that he helped there's some that i know personally he helped career-wise that's that's evil career-wise oh yeah dude too sit out of it and then just sit out just chill and just be like yo bro you're wiling yo bro you're wiling yes you're wiling you're wiling dude delete that or something i don't know if you're the one who's offended. Yeah, bro. Say something. Don't go public with it right away. That's a good I got hacked. He did say that.

Oh, he did? He did say I got hacked. Yeah, man. I'm telling you. Well, it's funny. There's not much. There was a video of him saying it. No. Which was funny.

I'm sure he was just fucking. Well just you can get philosophical about it and be like well the thing that's important is like showing people that comedians should have free rights to say whatever they want i don't know it's just like it's not that deep to me the deepest part of it there's no depth it's just like stop reading a tweet and being like we should kill that motherfucker it's like dude that was just a dude sitting there on his cell phone, typed it out, put his phone down. Yeah. And then picked his phone back up and was like, whoops.

What did he think, though, was going to happen? I don't know. Maybe, I don't think he thought this intense, but I'm sure he was ready for some intensity. Did he think the game was going to be coming at him? I don't think he thought that. Squinting that one eye. Game put him in that one eye.

Squint vision. That's not good. Yo, I'm just saying just like this. Is that your game impression? I don't know. You just do wood? Oh, man. Bro, Woods electricity series.

Is it good? It's fucking good. Good. It is fucking good. I just listened to it last night. I listened to one of night i listened to i listened to one of them today and it annoyed me which one just because i know him so i'm listening to it i'm like shut the fuck up once you know someone and then listen to their shit you're just like what

are you doing like i'm listening to his podcast like stop trying to be cute like i was just in my in the car just like shut the fuck up it's funny. His electricity one had me laugh. I was in the kitchen cooking laughing out loud. Yeah, he did, yeah. He did this thing where he was talking about electricity and how lightning works, and it was fucking crazy. Yeah. But he threw this one thing in, and you can tell he was not even thinking about it,

but he was just like, he was talking about how lightning is just like, saying it's friction-based. I don't want to put this whole thing out there. Yeah. But basically, he was explaining why lightning seeks you out due to your conductivity. If you go outside, you're probably going to get struck by lightning. Just kidding.

You're probably. But the way he said it was so fucking. Dude, I was. I was literally like fucking. Holy fucking made me laugh. I've been listening to all of them. I've listened to. They're great.

You listen. You fucked it. Oh, you listen to the whole the whole umbrella. I've been peeping in. There was. Yeah. Dad meat had a great way. They had a plumber come on. That was fucking awesome.

That rules. I heard Shana got fired. I might have a word with him. Shana got let go again? Drinking on the job? I might have a word with him. She gets fired from every job. You can't have that.

It's 2020, dude. It's 2020. He can't represent. We've got to get a code of ethics. Bro, if they're going to operate under our umbrella, we're done with that under our umbrella. Exactly. We're done with that type of malarkey. That's junk.

I mean, dude, we got to get a code of ethics going. There's only one guy that's allowed to get fired on this company. Yeah, I think I heard CNN was talking about his firing. Dude, racist podcasts are fired from local bar. Well, the funny part was, is that I walked by him one night at that bar and I'm like, yo, you got to be cold, man. I'm going to give you

some thermals. I'm like, go to Uniqlo. He just drank whiskey the whole time. He drank whiskey. He's like, it was cold so I drank whiskey. It's like, bro,

get some motherfucking thermals, bro. Yeah. You don't have to. This isn't 1930. Yeah, you're not in the Civil War. Yeah. Despite your mustache. I'm going to have a word, bro.

We're going to have a company meeting. We have a company with no money at stake. It's just everyone does their own a word bro we're gonna have to tell you we have a company meeting we have a company with no money at stake it's just everyone does their own thing but we're the boss that's fine we're the boss dude that's our company it's the future of companies true money becomes irrelevant and you just start like calling the shots you just decide who's in charge yeah i'm telling you you and i are definitely headed for an absolute fucking stalin trotsky you think we're going yes? Yes. You couldn't get me, dude. You're going to escape. You're going to be in fucking South America.

I'll be your Edward Snowden, dude. You're going to think shit is sweet, and then Beezer's coming through the door with an ice pick. I'd hear Beezer coming from a mile. Yeah. I had a Beezer cough at the beginning of this episode. Did you really? I don't know if you could tell.

I was conscious of it. I was Beezer coughing the whole beginning of this episode. Beezer being a bounty hunter just being, dude, freeze! Dude! Dude! What's that Blade Runner? Dude!

No, it's called Electric Sheep. It's a Philip K. Dick book. It was Blade Runner. Where he goes and has to kill the robots. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck! I thought you were calling Beezer Sling Blade. That guy like... Be Blade Runner, dude. Fuck.

Dude, freeze. Your time's up. Yeah, dude. So we were fucking... We've been watching. We've been watching carefully. See a little bit of fucking tomfoolery going on. I'm going to go talk to that bar and try to get him his job back.

Here's what we'll do. Look. Here's the type of thing we need to start inflicting on our subsidiaries. Yeah. If you want to fuck around, you want to be drinking on the job, we're going to dock your listeners. We'll call upon the dogs. We'll say, take a week off.

Just take one week off. Don't listen to that episode. Take a knee. We start embargoing. Are the dogs cavernicking? Start embargoing other podcasts. Like, yo, that's fucking evil. That'd be hilarious.

Again, no money's at stake. Dude, the Lord's giveth, the Lord's taketh away. We can embargo the Philly podcast. Yes, dude, we have slight power. We're already abusing it. Just for our amusement. Oh, man. We have slight power. We're already abusing it. Just for our amusement. Oh, man. God damn it.

All right. Let's switch over to the Patreon. Let's do it.