Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Twizted Azz Jokerz

Episode Date: October 9, 2019

SUP DOODS. We just saw the Joker and now we're super dark and TwIzTiD

What up dude we're in here I just fucking jokered Shane dude Matt's all a joker and now thinks he's fucking full Joaquin dude I pretty much am dude we're having a good cast and he just wanted to watch the cast burn dude how about when you made fun of my fucking joker let's delete the cast you have the joker he was so we were on the phone and Matt was like I'm pretty much the joker I do I do have a fucking creepy joker laugh i know what is that dude your laugh yeah it's a good laugh how about the time when how many goes crushes in the comedy club yeah and he's just it's just him just fucking laughing at himself i'd be like that guy's hilarious he got on laughed at himself the whole time i'd be like that's pretty funny yeah the movie was

funny because it was like like what did you think what did you think the whole time. It'd be like, all right, that's pretty funny. Yeah, the movie was funny because it was like, like, what did you think it, what did you think the whole ending was? I don't know why people are debating. I won't say they have to reveal the ending, but like, people are debating like, the meaning though,

of like, they're like, well, this is what the movie actually means. Wait, well, all right, this is a spoiler alert.

So, if you want to go see the Joker, which chances are, if you listen to go see the joker which chances are if you listen this podcast you already have yeah opening night dressed as him after putting the handgun back in the glove compartment on the way in and be like you know what not today uh so what what do you mean like because he was catching all this like political flack for it for some reason how so like what they were just well they're saying like it's enabling like incel violence and stuff like that i do understand that but i wouldn't like i mean you can't criticize a fucking movie for that yeah i mean you can if

you can criticize people trying to be funny for things maybe true that it's time actors and movies start getting held accountable but I just don't understand why they had beef with the Joker. It's like, are they calling that white guy's Black Panther? Yeah.

Really? That is definitely the white guy. It's like, finally I'm represented in a film. I feel empowered. That's what every incel says. This is a guy

whose life sucks, like quietly sucks. He's like, I was thinking about that. I'm like, damn dude, Gotham City's fucking white Wakanda dude. It is white Wakanda. You're exactly right. Everyone's like yeah i was thinking about that i'm like damn dude gotham city's fucking white wakanda dude it is white wakanda you're exactly right everyone's like get the

fuck out get the fuck out of my way that's so funny that's what i was watching i'm like joker is the white black panther for sure without a doubt i saw you know it's nice i saw two young white boys taking a picture in front of the joker uh the the flyer out front you saw some white boys up in there so one young white white boy is taking a picture, and I thought, finally, that's nice. All white people, white boys. Young white boys, and it was like, nice, dude. It's nice to see them finally getting represented in film.

Finally, incels represented properly. Dude, that was fucking, the movie was awesome. I liked it. I also liked how the- It was, I knew, like, as soon as he met that girl, I was like, that took me out of the movie. Really? When he was hooking up with a super hot chick, I was like, what the fuck is this?

Why are they doing this? It was funny. That threw me off because I was like, dude, how fucked up is this chick's life? I was like, I mean, I guess she lives in a shitty apartment. She was like, were you just following me? Yeah. She's like, do you want to hang out? Don't tell these guys that that's how that works i know i know don't reward the dudes

watching this i saw that i was like i mean i guess and as i was watching and finally i was just like what the fuck yeah i don't actually yeah i was relieved when they i was like oh thank god because that was kind of fucking me up i liked it how nobody in there was good it was like everyone was a little bit guilty in a certain way yeah kind of like the cops oh no they were dickheads too yeah as soon as they were like yeah we sorry we killed your mom anyway is this part of your act yeah jesus i know yeah fucking cold hard city dude yeah welcome to gotham dude welcome to white wakanda it ain't all fucking you know it ain't all rosy, dude. Well, it is.

It was funny, man, because it's funny, too, because like so I was in class today and people were talking about Delaware County. And they're like, you know, oh, my God, fucking Delaware, Delco, dude. They're talking about like, oh, that person's from Delco or fucking places like, oh, my God, they're basically trashing it. And it was funny. I was like, oh, that's some nice classes. I'm nice classism to start the day guys and they're just kind of like and well it's funny because white people don't give a fuck about poor white people yeah a white person sees other poor white people like hey man well did you have you consulted what poor white people think about this it's like no yeah but for some reason black people are beholden to the poor black population in terms

of like their authenticity okay like if a black dude strives from like the ethos of poor black people they're like man you fucking sell out but that's like a as a thomas wayne you see the joker and you're just like fuck you dude get the fuck out of here thomas wayne rules i just thomas wayne was the only good guy in the movie well he was bad he had a checkered past he wasn't that lady was fibbing dude she probably forged that thomas wayne wouldn't fucking lay pipe like that you don't think nah you saw the throwback pick i saw throwback thursday was fucking on decent throwback that was on point i actually in the movie i was like who the fuck's that and she was crazy, dude. True.

She put it on T.W. T.W. was sipping fucking tumblers of whiskey from Gotham, from Wayne Tower, Wayne Enterprises. She probably came in and just fucking slutted him down. Just put it on him. For sure. Yeah, true. Well, then that doesn't make him a bad guy. Hey, man, he got caught in the crosshairs.

I'm not hating on him, but he made the joke. He got slutted a while ago. Yeah. He came in and slutted him hard. Probably when he just came up to he probably yeah he's sitting there yeah because she was old so yeah yeah thomas probably just made his billions he's probably just talking to billy bush he's like it's crazy dude you can grab whatever you want um but yeah it was uh it was funny though to have people shitting on a like yeah man the people

there are another kind blah blah blah and i blah. And I'm like, okay. They were saying that? Yeah, man. Trash it. I mean, they're fucking around. It's fine. But it's funny. Of course. It's funny.

It's also so fun to hit them back with the woke shit at them. Especially when they're doing it. Yeah, dude. Like that CNN show. They started doing it. Like, wait, is anyone here from Delaware County? I was like, yeah, I am. And they were like, oh, yeah.

And I was like, yeah, man. I'm like, yeah, you know, sorry, David. Sorry, David. A little light classism. It's fine. They're just like, it's like, yeah. Damn, you are the Joker. I am, dude.

How's it feel? I actually, I kind of like it. I just go in there now and I'm just like, dude, whatever. I'm like, I, it's like the dumbest fucking conclusion, but I'm like, you know what? Like, I fucking rule. Nice. I fucking rule. I'm coming in you know what? I fucking rule. Nice. I fucking rule. I'm coming in here.

That's a nice thing. I get mad. The whole time in my head, I'm walking in slow motion. Yeah. People are lowering their sunglasses like, damn, dude. Is that that guy who said racist shit? Who allegedly... No, I was telling fucking six.

I got more shit for the MSG thing. Oh, yeah. No one gave me shit for neuters. All I got was MSsg like the fucking asshole yeah fucking snide against the cuisine it sucks as i listened you know i remember that conversation vividly and i remember not wanting to do it and you just kept dragging me down the path and i was like come on man chill chill chill uh yeah i remember you made me say I remember you being like Matt please stop

Yeah we hit pause God damn it Shane It's really good of the show It's funny I was like dude it's not funny No you're fucking wrong Shane I'm in the fucking driver's seat Oh my goodness

Say that shit Yeah we do like 50 takes I'm like cut Shane Say it again Say it now With more hatred With less Old timey voice

So people can't tell This time more vitriol Damn I was so So close to just like Turning up the oldtimey voice so people can't tell. This time more vitriol. Damn, I was so close to just turning up the old-timey voice in that quote to getting away with it. So you remember this?

I do remember just that point being like, man, what the fucking chance was that? Like that. Like I said it with that. Oh, I don't care.

It's already out. He said it. I just saw it. I see the Batman newspaper spin. Oh, yeah. Reporters did listen to that episode. Did they really? Yeah.

A couple of them did. What kind of ink did you get? Actually, I think it was mostly Philly stuff. After they released, I was doing helium shows. Oh, they came out. So like Phillyilly inquire and all that stuff like this is what he said on his last podcast i don't give a fuck it's like now that's so funny it's not really what i said i feel like philly inquire have to like start every article

like hey guys we're still in business uh check this out yeah remember us half of the building is apartments now but you know we're still doing our thing they wrote a an article all the articles are like it's 20 if you want to go see it for yourself with a two drink minimum please arrive at 18 years old like it's weird they're still plugging helium oh yeah for sure for sure yeah trying to get their money bro everybody's stacking bread trying to get their motherfucking money everyone yeah i was i was tripping on the joker dude i was loving that i was loving being in school today post joker obviously no no one saw it no one ever watches game of thrones too that's like a sin like everyone when they're like has anyone seen game of game of thrones everyone's like yeah i don't watch that yeah i don't watch i've never seen a single episode and everyone

high-fives each other really yeah game of thrones is like fucking it's all it's like uh straight white male stuff dude if you like game of thrones what's wrong man there we go the thing fucking froze sorry dude the um what the fuck else was going on but yeah so we were that whole thing where he's a billionaire was cracking me up because it was like i think people were complaining about the fact that it was like i guess like the social aspects of it made people made people, it made like communism look bad. They're like, that's not what we do.

What? Like how they all like rose up and were like kill the rich and all that shit. Oh. They were like, that was kind of like, they were like communists

and Wayne was like a fascist. So it was comms or it was fascist and the fucking joke was, the joke was in the middle just like, yeah, I just want to see it all back. The joke's like a little Lennon,

dude. Pretty much. He was like, I'm going to fire these people like a little lenin dude pretty much he was like i'm gonna fire these people up get them going all these fucking protests and shit i'm like get out of my streets damn dude uh but it's funny in the loading screen it always shows like quotes and facts about like dictators and they're so funny dictators are the funniest people ever. Yeah. Like Saddam Hussein's campaign song was Whitney Houston's. Stop, dude. I will always love you from Saddam Hussein.

That was his campaign song. What? He would like walk out to that. How sick is that? What did Trump use? Rocking in the free world? Neil Young was like, God damn it. Stop it.

I remember Sarah Palin came out to like Barracuda. And then the people who made Neil Young was like, God damn it, stop it. I remember Sarah Palin came out to Barracuda. And then the people who made that song were like, No. Delete that. Well, it's funny. They can kind of just get away with it. They'll just use a song. Sam Hussain coming out to Whitney Houston.

Fucking rules. No wonder he is the man. For sure. Sam Hussain was good. From what I heard, yeah. He kept things in order down there he did a good job you know people like i understand he's got fans look dude i've played tropico i understand now you're understanding the role if you play tropico you start to understand

how these dictators you know you gotta sometimes you gotta take away like the rights to vote that just kill a bunch of people honestly that's the natural without like a really well thought out political system in place that's the natural growth if you literally it's what happens you have an option to be like no nobody can vote so you can't lose yeah like they might try to rebel but if you have soldiers you're all right or you can let everybody vote and possibly the game ends every like four years really because if you get if you lose the election can you fix the election you can start rigging the election yeah that's fucking so funny that's fucking sick yeah but uh dude that's

what that's what happens man it was uh yeah i would do it i do it in tropico i would do it in real life for sure someone was like uh yeah you can either have everybody vote every four years to see if you're still in power or you just you know you just don't even have to do that being dude that oh okay the whole point of the political system we have guns it's set up where it's acknowledged that we just have a steaming pot of fucking like kim jong-un's trying to get the power in this country and then we have checks and balances that like kim jong-il in north korea they used to teach the kids that he never defecated that was in the curriculum that kim jong-il did not shit how sick is that it's so fucking that's so awesome that is so dude i was in a the jewelry store i got i went to get like the ring resized and all the shit yeah the there's so there's these the two guys who own

it these russian jewish dudes so they're chill chill chill chill yo these dudes are so fucking sick i go in there and they're you know, they're in there talking a bunch of shit. Like the conversation I walked in on, literally the guy was like, I know his parents, very good people, very humble people from a village. And I'm like, fuck yeah, dude. Yes. Like, fuck yeah. Then like, so we're in there.

I'm just like, you know. You're a humble person from a village. Very humble, dude. I walk in. You're not humble, dude. Me? Yeah. I'm the humblest, dude.

Are you sure? The humblest? Humblest. That's something somebody that was humble would say. For sure, dude. I'm the most humble. I'm the humblest. No, Matt.

No. I'm the most, dude. I'm the most humble ever. I've never shit in my life. I actually have never shit. I've never shit and never came. I've heard you come, Matt. No, dude.

I've been saving myself for my second marriage. whole life oh yeah you got divorced you're excommunicated don't talk to me about catholicism oh you're excommunicated until i'd say i'm lutheran bro you're not even i'm not gonna let you get i'm young luther if i see you get communion i'll fucking knock it out of your hands really i'll fucking i sit in the back dude past as soon as communion comes around i sit in the back and take a knee and open up my leather trench coat and i'm like forgive i have a forgive me father for i have sinned chest tattoo has opened my shirt you're on gillis island dude if i see someone try to give you a communion i'm fucking swatting it what i might even eat yours too double it up you you might possibly i've never broken the

sacred vow that's true i can't believe you did. I've never broken the sacred vow. That's true. I can't believe you did that. I've never even been mad at you for this. I know, dude. I should have went like King Louis VIII. True. Had her murdered.

Yeah, if you would have just had her. You want me to kill her? Clean slate. Are we allowed to joke about this anymore? It's too late. Should I kill someone? Dude, I'm in the fucking jewelry store, and these guys out at... These rooskies. What are they up to? These rooskie-juuskies, dude. You're not allowed fucking jewelry store and these guys out of ruskies what are they up to these rusky juice keys you're not allowed to call them the rusky juice keys dude the rusky juice keys out of nowhere dude

out of nowhere fuck i wish they got us on that i know type that out they also referred to them as Ruski-Juskis. Dude. I'm glad they didn't get you on fucking toes. All the Js. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Dude.

Sorry. It shouldn't be on the air. He's fucking up. Yeah. So they just got water up my nose. So out of nowhere, these guys were just kind of, oh, that's what they're talking about. They're talking about trump getting investigated and they're like it's a like i walk into this conversation talking about you know the person being from a village and they're like i mean

this place just has no respect anymore it's the man was having private phone calls and someone listens in that's called espionage that's called espionage you cannot do that to someone and i'm like you guys talking trump you guys talking donald sterling you guys talking fucking talking sterling talking trump right now? Talking Trump right now, Brad? And they're just like, it's a fucking disgrace. People have no idea what they have here. He's like, where I'm from, if you say one bad thing about Putin, 15 years. Say another thing, another 15 years.

You say another 15 years. He's like, they'll just keep, they'll throw you in jail for life. And he was like, and then people come over here having the nerve to fucking cry about shit. He's like, you got to go somewhere else and just say he's like literally where i'm from if i were to be like fuck this guy he's like i will i will go to jail for 15 years snatched out of the house locked up no negotiation all right in the to argue with the ruski juski obviously he's not wrong about that well i mean I mean, he probably is wrong. You could kind of be like, yeah, Putin's a bitch. I mean, this guy came over here a while ago, too.

So he might be thinking Soviet Union. Yeah. Old school shit where they would do that. I'm not saying that the Russians are like, you know, there's shit like Pussy Riot and shit like that where they get arrested for that. But, I mean, that's why USA is number one, dude. Because we can be like, yeah, Trump's a fucking bitch. That's why you had to remind...

You should have been like, well, welcome to America, dude. Yeah, this is our freedom. That's why we're number one. We're free to fucking... Because we are the first country to recognize how gay politicians are. Pretty much. And be like, yeah, you're allowed to shit on them because they're gay. It's in the Constitution.

Really? Yeah. Well, that... I mean, he was... Like, a lot of foreigners come over here and hate... A lot of foreigners hate when the president gets disrespected. Yeah, they've got that loyalty. They still carry that fear.

Like, yo, yo, chill, chill, chill, dude. Don't you dare talk shit on the leader. He's probably used to, like, if Trump, if he's getting attacked, like, he's going to start burning villages and shit. True. He's like, yo, chill, chill, chill. Yeah. I'm selling fucking crystals and shit over here

dude leave me the fuck alone interfere with my crystal business but yeah man he was fucking he was he was fired up then he started like then his uh his like partner started being like i heard the all the business all the schools in new york are taking down the gendered bathrooms and i'm like damn this shit's finally hitting 60 year olds out in northeast philly i was like fuck get ready they were getting fired up in there dude. It was so funny. I'd be pretty shocked if the schools in New York

were doing that. I don't know where this guy was coming from. I don't know where he's coming from. He seemed pretty upset. But there are like I mean in Queens it's like immigrant neighborhoods.

I don't think they're going to be too stoked on genderless but like the Moroccan neighborhood next to me I don't know how stoked they're going to be on genderless rooms. Now they'recan neighborhood next to me i don't know how stoked they're going to be on genderless rooms now they're woke dude yeah for sure i think that's the hot topic at the hookah lounge for sure i was like i was watching we must get rid of gender bathrooms i was in uh

the fuck was i watching i was watching how to get away with murder with my babe yeah and she uh and like the one lady was just like, she was a Muslim and she had a lesbian lover and she's like, you know, I brought my lover to the mosque and in my head I'm like,

did you? You sure about that? Yeah, yeah. You sure you're fucking dead? You brought your lesbian lover to the mosque? Yeah, she's like, yeah we did,

everything was cool and in my head, I like instantly googled it and I was like, they're like, there's one sect that's like totally cool with that. Really?

Who? It's like the progressive Muslims or something. It's run by like a 60-year-old white lady. But yeah, it was... That shit was funny. It's in her basement. But yeah, that shit was cracking me up. That is funny as fuck.

That they just threw that in that show. That show sucks though how to get where it's the dumb it's like a sitcom it's like it's like yes it totally is it's like ncis it's just like it's junk dude junk tv sorry i got smokers cough dude been blazing grits really i'm a grip man now i only smoke cigs now i'm ed True. Once I became the ultimate edgelord, I had to switch to cigs. For sure. Dip was a bad luck. You should start vaping.

If you're going to go ultimate edgelord, you got to start blowing fat clouds, dude. Nah, just good grit. Really? Just standing outside the comedy club in the rain, smoking a cig. Just be like, I got to go in there and express my art. Go downstairs and be like, one time I saw my dad's cum. It was weird. Someone should stop me.

So funny, like, going and doing stand-up. Because people go to see me now. Yeah. To be like, oh, that's the guy. And then I get on stage and I'm just like, went to play laser tag with my dad. I could see his jizz. They're like, wait, this is the guy? People are, like, trying to shut down.

Like this menace. Would you guys fucking come in your dad's mouth? Okay, I gotta go. I shouldn't do this one. Some of you guys are mean. Fuck. Yeah, how has that been though? Going on stage?

Yeah. It's been fun. It's the best part of my life. Everyone's having fun there. Yeah. Once I start talking on stage, everyone in the audience is just like, oh, what the fuck were we upset about? You got to start campaigning. You got to start campaigning.

I kind of am. Yeah, you got to start. I'm in Indianapolis Friday, dude, holding a rally. You should. I don't know what you call it then. Have a nice little rally. Comedy rally. People are still clamoring for me and the fucking Yang man to sit down and chat.

I'm fucking, I'm clamoring for it, dude. You want to see it? You got to, dude. I wish you'd come on here. That would be fantastic. If the Yang man came on here, that'd be fucking sick. He needs cams, dude. He can't be.

That guy's on like a minute to minute. And there's no way he can come and do this podcast. No, he's on a minute to minute schedule. He's already getting bashed for even like talking to me. Well, just to say like to not kill you, he getting bashed yeah it's not like he's like nah dude i fucking like it's just like yeah well maybe we shouldn't be fucking punitive censoring comedians in movies yeah it's dude i'm telling you this shit's creepy as fuck it is it is strange where like he's more right about this topic than most comedians and trump's funnier than most comedians

yeah it's a weird time no one wants to talk about that that trump's the funniest dude pretty much and also the fact that like dude his turkey tweet did you see that no what happened or that you said bullshit no not the bullshit one this is like, so I guess the U.S. troops kind of like left the Kurds out to dry out in Syria. Kind of hung them out to dry, just like. Under whose orders? Good luck, guys. Trump daddies. Okay.

He was like, we're coming home, boys. Yeah. Mission accomplished. What the fuck are they doing in Turkey? The Kurd, Kurdistan is like on the border of Syria and Turkey. It's not a country. Okay. Kurdistan is just a region.

Gotcha. Within a country. Within two countries. Hold up. Okay. Poss's not a country. Okay. Kurdistan is just a region. Gotcha. Within a country. Within two countries. Hold up. Possibly three. In Iraq also. Kurdistan is like Washington D.C.

of the Middle East? No. There's places where Khabib's from. Okay. Dagestan. There's like a territory. Dagestan is in Russia.

Yeah. It's almost like it's a state. That's where the tall Russian is at Falk Rocky. He was from Dagestan. Was he? I think so. No way. Maybe. I could be wrong. Drago was Muslim? russia yeah it's almost like it's a state that's where the tall tall russian is at fault rocky he was from dagestan was he i think so no way maybe i could be wrong drago was muslim oh never mind never mind he wasn't mus yeah dagestan is muz territory so okay so this is the kurd territory kurdistan first off that's who sat him he lied in his his campaign he did not love them forever

he turned on the Kurds pretty quick he was gassing them okay so they're like people they're people they're people that have always been at war

with all the other muzz okay they're they just keep getting attacked and they're like they're kind of fucking awesome yeah

from I don't know I mean I'm sure they've done horrific things everybody had but like in a war zone yeah for fucking a thousand years in a war zone for a thousand years and they're like holding their ground just like come on motherfuckers

dude that's fucking crazy so we we like help them occasionally but because the turks hate them it's hard for us to help them because then it looks because then it complicates our shit with turkey gotcha so the kurds are kind of good for fucking shit up in the middle of the middle east for us but we can't help them too much because them and turkey don't get along so then when when we got out of syria we kind of just left the the kurds there and it's like all right well turkey's definitely gonna fuck him up now and then trump tweeted he was like if turkey does anything bad i'll fucking destroy their economy i saw it and then he was like in my infinite wisdom and like he said some shit like that it was like damn he's wild he's fucking wilding out it and then he was like in my infinite wisdom and like he said some

shit like that it was like damn he's wiling he's fucking wiling out dude but yeah he was also so he was saying don't feel bad the kurds got paid he was like the kurds did their job like we paid them to fight yes he's like a roman senator then he's just like getting mercenaries and like yo they're my boys they're sit kurds are all citizens now some tribe in gaul had to fight for him and he was like all right, the war's over. See you guys. Damn. Well, you're leaving us with all the other tribes.

Well, you got paid. We'll call you. Yeah. We'll call you. There's a pile of gold where you live now. That'll help. They're like Philadelphia comedy hosts. They get hired once every six months.

And they just fucking eat shit in the middle of the year. Damn, dude. Yeah. So what's going on with that? Is that why they're impeaching him? No. Why are they impeaching him? Because he called Turkey?

Fucking backdoor deals with Ukraine, I think, is what it was. I don't know enough about it. Yeah. But then he's just trying to be like, Biden did it too. Fair. Like, okay, well, he's not the president. Yeah. I don't know. i don't know i don't know it's also like chances are they have a lot to impeach him on chances are they do but i don't think they can i still don't

think anybody will get him on anything i don't know i don't even know how the fuck that works me neither because it's like you'll you know you'll hear about obama like he spied on u.s citizens did a bunch of drones strike the u.s citizens so it's like, you'll hear about Obama. He spied on U.S. citizens, did a bunch of drone strike the U.S. citizens. So it's like, they got shit on Trump to impeach him. It's like, I don't know, maybe. Do they? Could they not? I think they can impeach every president.

Probably. If you looked into their shit, you'd be like, okay, you're done. Yeah. So when they say they got him, it's like, oh, he used the wrong calling card. People like Jimmy Carter right now. You see that? Jimmy Carter's popular. Why?

Is he old? He's old as fuck. Is he alive still? Barely. But he still does Habitat for Humanity. Oh, okay. He still does that. He just does that constantly.

Oh, and they're getting W, dude. This is a bad week for the Prez, dude. They try to spin W into a good guy. I noticed that. He was chilling with W. He was chilling with Ellen. Notice when you have friends who own the Prez, dude. Lying about weapons of mass destruction and causing a fucking war.

Give it 10 years and pay your boy. Yeah. Now, all of a sudden, you're sneaking candy to people. You're hanging out with Ellen. You're a little old cutie pie. He's just a painting old cutie. He looks like he looks like a ventriloquist he looks like a dummy from a ventriloquist and it's like he really does and it's dude notice that all of a sudden he's a good guy now i see now that's my problem with him i don't like him now who's pushing that i miss the

old w dude when he has a windbreaker on from the navy seals like we're gonna go fight a fake war come on let's go that's my guy i definitely didn't knock down the towers let's fucking roll come on that was not me let's fucking get That's my guy. I definitely didn't knock down the towers. Let's fucking roll. Come on, that was not me. Let's fucking get the guys who did it. He was feeling himself after 9-11. Oh, for sure. He was megaphone speed, like the bullhorn down at ground zero, like opening pitch at a Yankees game.

That was just a perfect strike. Whoa. He threw some heat. Then he landed on an aircraft carrier and was like, we fucking did it, dude. Suck our dicks, everybody. Like he just went on a tour of just like, I'm the man. Swinging dick, yeah. Yeah, I mean, I just think it's hilarious that all of a sudden, he was like pretty fucking hated.

He's a war criminal. Yeah, he was hated. He's a war criminal. Yeah, it's like, oh, he gave a Werther's to Michelle Obama. That's such a mood right now. It's, oh my God, this is me right now. Wow. Yeah, man. How fucking dumb are people?

How stupid? I was laughing about this today. I was reading shit about the... Dude, how much do you and me just hate society? We're so twisted, bro. We're outcasts, dude. We're both jokers. Fucking Ronin. It's crazy. Fucking Ronin. Wow. I love how

people's response right now to the, you know, the market. People get, like the younger people feel fucked out of like not being able to buy houses, blah, blah, blah. They're like, so their response to it is like. Blah, blah, blah. Yeah. Can't afford your own property. Whatever. Pussies, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah. Should have fucking got a real job. Should have got a real job. Yeah. Or risked it all in one. You know, I can't tell you what to do. Risked it all in one? Yeah.

Should have risked it all in one. Yeah. Fuck yeah. We tell you what to do. Risk it all in one? Yeah, you should have risked it. Would you say you won? You should have risked it all in one. You know, fuck yeah, we fucking won, bro. We did win. For now, though. For now. Dude.

This shit will... Nah, man. This is... I don't... So, I don't even worry about the market, dude. Really? I don't give a fuck, dude. This is the exact opposite of the last...

The episode we just deleted. We were talking about how much we love the market. We are capitalists, for sure. We're both very staunch capitalists. I'm like an Adam Smith, like, much we love the market we are capitalists for sure but very staunch i'm like an adam smith like stand apart from the market capitalists like i i see it in theory i'm more about like where i fit into society civilization i mean i've studied history this is the thing i've studied history i know where i fit in i i'm just trying to drive society yeah i'm not a wage slave i can't be bought for fucking you know whatever your time cannot be purchased my time can't be purchased i am for the advancement of the white human kind no

what no i said human kind i am for the advancement of human kind of course i'm taking fucking flack dude of course i'm in the fucking no thought zone dude in my school of course i'm taking fucking flack but the funniest part to me is you'll get these guys who are like, or these people or whatever, who are just kind of like their response to what they perceive as the injustice of capitalism is like, we're going to dust off communism. It's like, what the fuck? You guys don't have any other. Break this thing out.

You guys have no, like you're going to dust off communism in, within capitalism. That's the other thing, too. It's like everyone saying they're a communist, if they could be a billionaire, would be a billionaire. I could say 100%. So it's like until people don't like billionaires, like for real, don't like. You're like, no, that's disgusting. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

You're going to dust off communism when there's billionaires around. Do you think billionaires are going to allow communism to happen? Yeah, billionaires are pretty shitty. Well, of course. They should be viewed as grotesque. It should be like a very obese person. It's like my 600 pound life or whatever, just stuck in a bed. Yeah.

It's like, all right, we'll slow down. Yeah, but if every my 600 600 pound life if you saw them 600 pounds or eight i don't know i think it's called my big fat life there's big dogs it's literally my 600 pound life if they had the capacity to change your life you would be yo you know who fucking rules 600 pound dude because dude i'm like they'll no one's going to turn down a billion bucks so we're in a thing that worships billionaires being like it's so fucked up meanwhile people are just trying to like scramble ahead to the top yeah so it's like dude it's just the funniest fucking thing to teach like communist kind of marxist theory i love billionaires i support dude capitalism rules i think they're kind of competition i think you

gotta be kind of a well the other thing too thing, too, is like... What the fuck? Who's the guy... Scrooge. Yeah. Everyone hates Scrooge. McDuck? No, no. Even McDuck.

But even Scrooge. Everyone's like... Remember the tales of Christmas past? They're like, fucking Scrooge. If Scrooge was balling out in a mansion, everyone would be like, yo, that guy fucking ruled. Also, it wasn't Scrooge. I don't remember it, but didn't Scrooge just pass the crippled kid? He'd be like, fuck you, dude.

Yeah. It's like, I do that every day. Billionaires fly over the crippled kid? He'd be like, fuck you, dude. Yeah. I do that every day. Billionaires fly over the crippled kid and they're like, yeah, drop some bombs. I see homeless guys. Drop some bombs here. Homeless guys talk to me all the time and I'm just like, dude, shut up. Most everybody does. Shut up, you fucking homeless sack of shit.

It's housing challenge, dude, please. Housing challenge? Yeah. Or housing secure. Dude. Please. Homeless guys are pretty funny. They're fucking wild, please. Housing challenged? Yeah. Or housing secure? Dude. Please. Homeless guys are pretty funny. They're fucking wild, dude.

They talked about it on Bonfire. Right by Jay and Christine's house, they caught a homeless dude fucking another homeless dude that was, well, it was rape. It was gay homeless rape. They caught this? She just filmed it and then eventually got a cop and was like, hey, that guy's fucking that guy. This dude was passed out

over a grate and his buddy, they knew each other so everybody was like, all right, they're friends, I guess. But he like,

started like, eating his butt. This is him on the sidewalk. Yeah, I'm just like, spellbound. He ate his butt and then he got on top of it.

He ate his ass? They were thrusted on him and they were like, hey man, stop, stop, you gotta stop. Yeah, there was like 10 top of it. He ate his ass? They were thrusted on him and they were like, hey man, stop. Stop. You gotta stop. Yeah, there was like 10 people around him.

They broke him up? Yeah, they broke him up. They broke up that love, dude. That was just boys in love out in the street having fun. What happened to this guy? I think the cop was, the way Christine said it, she ran into this convenience store where she saw the cop and he was like, oh yeah, they fucking know each other. And he walked out and was like, knock it off.

They hump each other sometimes. Damn. Good dogs, dude. They're a couple of good boys, dude. They're just having fun. And one dude, he probably was for it. I mean, he ate his ass. Yeah, he was licking his butt when he was taking a nap.

That's just love, that's eating a homeless man's ass that's true man yeah man that's fucking tough that's a rough ticket yeah man i'm gonna say if you're eating a homeless guy's ass it's like all right man yeah let him go clearance yeah wrong ways clear dude Get in there. Fucking land, dude. You are free to land. Did the other guy wake up? No, I think he just slept right through it. So then it doesn't count.

If he sleeps through it? That's sleeping porn, dude. Are you sure you didn't watch sleeping porn? I didn't see it, but I actually have seen the footage. You've seen the fucking... Yeah. Well, that's the other thing, too. They might have a deal struck. had it they might have a deal struck yeah they may have a deal what do you constructed some sort

of what do you think about like dudes who are married and have sex with their wife and their wife's drunk what are you doing what do you mean yeah what do you mean what's the situation here i mean you're at a wedding but you're like you know you're not supposed to have sex with like a drunk woman but if you're married and your but you're like you know you're not supposed to have sex with like a drunk woman but if you're married and your wife gets drunk pretty much everyone's gonna have sex

with their drunk wife yeah no she like passed out and you do it not passed out not passed out then it's weird but like how

she's hammered how drunk can your wife be your girlfriend your girlfriend or wife can do that can be hammered she can be hammered and fuck you

so what if these two homeless guys had a deal where like look if I pass out if I pass out have at it bro if I pass out i'm not fucking gay but if i pass out you're jammed up chuck one up me just promise me you eat my ass first lube it up lube it up that's probably why he did it to be honest really spitting there so he doesn't tear his buddy up i think he saved up his spit and just went yeah because if you if you rip a butt out on the streets you're

that's gonna disable you for a while. For sure, dude. That's going to limit how many cans you're getting. Although he has street butt, so... Street butt's tough as nails. Well, it's also... It's like leather. It's ready to go, too.

It's pliable. It's like Play-Doh. Yeah. If you have street butt... I mean, that's how you sleep through a fucking butt fucking. Street butt? Sleeping through a butt fucking. Strange rules. Sleeping through a butt fucking. It's fucking.

Outside, too. Outside. I'm just saying all the noise about you and all of a sudden. I mean, the dude had to have been completely fucked up. Yeah. What do you even do for that? I mean, what would you charge a crazy. Guarantee the cop did not want him in his car.

So he was just like, alright, fucking stop. And that was it. In Kensington, Butterly was telling me they were getting hepatitis C outbreaks because there's a bunch of human shit up there. People are just shitting in the street.

There's a bunch of... People are getting hepatitis C up there from it. Nice. Disgusting. That's awesome. No, it's not. It's horrible. Yard shitting?

It's like street shitting. Yeah. I saw a dude let his's like street shitting. Yeah. I saw a dude let his dog shit in the street. How'd you feel about it? I was like, yo, bro. I was like, I picked that up. And he was like, no, I curbed my dog. I was like, did I talk about this before?

No. I was like, dude, you can't let your dog shit in the fucking street. He's like, yeah, I curbed the dog. And I'm like, no, dude, you have to pick that up. And then I think the guy was kind of slow. I started talking to him. I was like, oh, dude, you have to pick that up. And then I think the guy was kind of slow. I started talking to him. I was like, oh, fuck, I think this guy's slow. Definitely.

Some fucking idiot came up halfway through with a phone. I'm like, dude, get the fuck out of here. Somebody filmed you arguing with the dude? I don't think he was filming. I think he was filming the guy. Because I saw this dude was spying the dude. And I think he was like, oh, shit, oh, shit, and started filming. And I was like, dude, get out of here.

What? Fucking loser. You confronted a mentally challenged man about his dog and then somebody filmed it? Well, yeah, because the guy

let his dog shit, he walked his dog into the street and just smiled. I thought, I swear I've talked about this before. He let his dog shit in the street

and then was like, he looked happy when the dog got to the street and I was like, is this motherfucker going to leave this right here? And then all of a sudden

he started walking away and I was like, dude. I saw a guy watching the whole thing out of a van and when sudden he like started walking away and I was like, dude. Yeah, this guy, I saw a guy watching the whole thing out of a van when I said something, the guy came out and was like, I was like, dude, go away.

Dork. Go the fuck away. I don't think he was trying to jam me up. I didn't get the feeling like that. No, but it's weird he would come out and film that interaction.

Yeah. It was bizarre. Yeah. And I was just like, it was like a fucking like old retarded guy. So I was like, hey man, like once I realized his deal.

Once you saw he was retarded. He kind of looked like Bubbles from Trailer Park, Trailer Park Boys. Once I saw him, I was just like, it was like a fucking like old retarded guy. So I was like, hey man, like once I realized his deal. Once you saw he was retarded. He kind of looked like Bubbles from Trailer Park, Trailer Park Boys. Once I saw him, I was just kind of like, all right. Sorry, bud. I was like, hey man, just pick it up. He had like a weird, like big, huge plastic shopping bag. Yeah. It's only geezers and kind of like retarded guys pick up poop with like big Acme bags.

I saw that. I was like, ah, I should have known. Yeah. That's, uh, it's always the worst when you don't know someone's special needs. Sure. Until it's too late. I think special needs. Until after you confront them.

Special needs is like the most kindergarten. Until they have special needs. That's like the most kindergarten. You think we should say the word retarded? Yeah. Okay. That's the type of stuff that's just like, I don't stand for it. Not in a mean way.

Matt, I don't stand for it. not in a mean way matt i don't stand for it not in a mean way all right so this i was at a punchline in this fucking retarded guy i think i told you this just was sneezing the whole time like my whole set but the punchline stage it's like it's kind of behind you when you're on stage anybody to the right is like so i couldn't see him and he just kept sneezing and finally i turned around i was like shut the fuck up dude and he just kept sneezing and finally I turned around and I was like, shut the fuck up, dude.

And he was clearly very retarded. And I was just like, ooh, I'm sorry. And he was like, I'm so sorry. He was like devastated that I called him out.

And I was like, oh my God, dude. And then I looked at the rest of the audience and I was like, I didn't know that. And as soon as I said that, I was like, oh my God,

that's worse. I like turned to the rest of the audience like I didn't fucking know that he... Were people just like, ooh. Everybody was like, oh, my God, that's worse. I, like, turned to the rest of the audience. Like, I didn't fucking know that he was. Well, people just like, oh. Everybody was like, ooh. Did you? You should start doing a thing. You know, like, hey, any birthdays in here?

You should come out and be like, anyone retarded in here? Clap it up. Clap it up if you're retarded. Dude, that's what happened to me, David, and Abby. You talked about, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. That's tough, dude. Oh, my God. That's tough, dude. Oh, my God.

I've told it on here before. It could have been Old Testament, though. Could be lost in the sands of time. That's when they... There was a field trip of the boys at this show. And there's this show where you go on. There's three comics, and then you pick three people out of the audience

to be your partners for a quiz show. But the way the show starts is the three comics go out first and do stand-up. david went abby went and then i went last and when i walked out i was like what's up with all you fucking dudes wearing bracelets what's up you guys fucking losers and then i like covered my eyes so i could see you know because the lights you can't see the audience and as soon as i like shaded my eyes and saw i was like oh you saw a bunch of ear to ear grin these are some special boys out here. You saw nothing but ear-to-ears, dude.

Smiling, rocking in their chair. Having a good old time, dude. Rocking in their chairs, eating fucking treats. Oh, the appetizer platter must have got sold out. It was crazy. Menus were getting white tape across them. They were just snorting macaroni and cheese. They were fired up.

And so then I knew that that's what the group was i knew that the and that was the majority of the audience it was like a weeknight show so that half the audience was a retarded guy field trip so then we sit down to the show and abby gets paired with one of the guys and apparently i'm the only one who knew it david and abby didn't know that these guys were special needs and at one point How did they put it together? I couldn't believe it. They're not one with a crowd like you, though. I couldn't believe it.

Yeah, but on stage, he's sitting next to you, and then the audience member gets to ask the comedian a question. And he was like, are you single? That was his question. Because, dude,

retarded guys love pussy. Dude. Dude, all they're trying to do is get snitches. It's a sick, dude. They're the best. They're the Macs. They are the best. They're the true Macs out there.

Undeniable Macs. For sure. So this guy's like, are you single? And she was like, I don't know. It depends how much money you have. As soon as she said that, I leaned over and looked at her like, what the fuck are you doing? Obviously, the guy lives in a group home. But she was like, I don't know papered depends how much money you make and he was like a lot and then david leaned forward and was like yeah i don't think he knows

gummy bears don't count as currency yeah yeah i leaned forward to him like what the fuck are you doing and then they kept doing it the rest of the show they were still like shitting on this guy and then by the at the end everybody like stood up and like looked at each other because we were sitting like side by side and then it started to hit them throughout the show that it was like oh because david's partner was one of that guy's chaperones and that chaperone was like hey thanks a lot the guys had a lot of fun tonight and he was like what and i walked immediately i walked up to both of them like the fuck was that? Damn.

Yeah, it was great. They didn't know. That's probably how hyper-focused they were. They were just focused on their craft. I did a show on Contra Hawking once with Sid the Kid. It was the same thing. It was like a group field trip. Kids with autism.

And I remember taking them to the Joker. That would have been sick. It would have got rowdy. Dude, it was so fun because it was a total freebie I just you like go out there they're just like

like halfway through your set up someone is like ha ha ha literally Joker laugh dude yeah and I'm like I was like this is so fun

and then there was like comics that off stage you're like fuck I was so fucking annoying I couldn't even I was just like dude what

relax we're getting 25 bucks up in Contra Hawk and fall the fuck back yeah you're getting 25 bucks in Contra Hawk and entertain the troops. Actually, I'm going to slander Sid the Cave. We might have got $50. But I remember Sid paid us well.

But I remember there was this like people were coming off being like a couple people I've seen came off and were just kind of like. Fucking crowd sucks. Yeah, dude. Yeah, they're struggling with social cues. Obviously, they're not going to do great in a comedy show. Dude, you would say something. I remember I started doing crowd work with this one dude and it was just like it went on for like six minutes and i was like all right i can't get out of this yeah you and him you just

love it was just weird it's funny because whenever i try to do crowd work with nor like with neurotypicals i should say it always goes bad i'll just like ask i'll be like hey do you love your girlfriend tell her you love her and everyone's like dude fucking chill yeah well you're I met another you are neuro atypical I'm neuro atypical I met another autist and we just vibed

for like six minutes I was like fuck yeah dude this is fucking sick yeah this is great fuck the rest of this show you and me are buds we just locked up and I was like oh hi

how did you get here oh cool I don't know how did you get here he's like huh that was a good one what do you do I don't know what do you do I mean? He's like, that was a good one. What do you do? I don't know.

What do you do? I mean, I got a couple things going on. Yeah, dude, it was pretty fun. Have you heard of mushrooms? Dude, the microdosing thing has me bugged up. Are you microdosed out right now? Well, it's like, no, not right now. It was yesterday.

But it's definitely, wait, was it yesterday? I yesterday but it's definitely um it wasn't I don't know maybe I microdosed out but it was dude it's starting to take a toll yeah because you you uh truthfully the first because when we do this you know you were like I don't I don't let's start over yeah I never start over you were great I know that was a great that was better than this episode this episode really sucks should we start over? No. No. This is gone enough. But yeah, as soon as that happened, I was like, I thought you were doing great. Must be some... The black hole opened in my mind.

The shroomies. Jokies. Dude, you're the Joker. Pretty much, man. It's good to take drugs, too, right now. I think that's important for you. Right now for me? If you're also feeling like you could be the Joker, I think it's really important to double down on some psychedelics.

Yeah, well, it's funny. I've been feeling fine. I've just been a little bit spaced. It was weird. The whole, and this again, the whole program was to take away all of my little dopamine sources, and then I just gave myself mushrooms after all that went on. It's just a yeah it's

a weird thing to play with because my whole thing now is like to try to find good yeah dopamine sources every time you talk about this program I'm like oh this is a real thing and then I forget that you just made it up for sure to take away your dopamine anything you like for a month and then just take mushrooms at the end of that month yeah pretty much. Like every time you bring up the, and then the experiment or the system or whatever, I'm just like, oh, it always takes me one second to be like, oh, this is the thing he made up. Like this isn't a real thing that people.

This is how treatment knows you made up. No, for sure. This is you. I need your skeptical eye. Your workshop. You're my peer journal. You're my only scientific peer. Peer journal review is like oh yeah i

forgot this whole thing was bullshit yeah it sucks yeah it was uh it's been fucking weird man it's been pretty strange that's been weird especially it's a weird time to do it man that's i think that's another that's a confounding variable very weird time to do it yeah and i'm just like dude like right now i'm like i'm just i'm in a space right now where like feeling bad is not a bad thing i'm just kind of like yeah dude i just gotta feel weird and fucked up for a while yeah i'll feel myself every now and again like start to kind of be like oh here comes the break here comes the break comes the big break from reality and i'm like yeah we're back really it's happened a couple times i'm, instead of like a heart attack, I'm just like, okay, yep, here we go.

We're going. They're coming to get me. Oh, man. You got to slow down. Are you all right? No, I'm fine. But it's like, it's not even just that. It's like, I'll sit and start.

I am conscious. It is a race right now to see how this podcast ends. Either I OD on Coke and have a heart attack or no my mom's or some sisters listening it's like oh no no relax that's i'm gonna get a heart attack just from fat i hope it's the other one yeah or matt loses his fucking mind dude full jokers full joker full nichi dude true he's gonna whip if i'm gonna become a hermit well dude i'm zarathustra here was the thing i was on full course to become a hermit that That was kind of like my aspiration, was to become a shut-in recluse.

A shut-in recluse. And now here you are, thrust into the public eye. Well, here's the thing, dude. It's like my whole thing was to be a fucking recluse. And now I'm starting to see that I need real community. So I've propelled myself into a pretty bleak space, I feel like, with my dopamine fast. Then I'm flooding my brain with little microdoses of mushrooms.

Dopamine fast and also a national scandal. National scandal kind of rocked my shit. And I'm in a place where people fucking hate me two days a week. But now in my head, I'm like, oh, I had the whole... I want to just kind of recluse out and just kind of do little writings and just put stuff out and not interact with people. Dude, it was like I started seeing how bleak that was. And now I'm in a place where I'm like, I need to reach out to people and have real community around me. So now it's like in order to – I had to come to a real kind of – not like a horrible place, but like –

Sure. It's pretty fucking bleak for a little bit. Yeah. And then now I'm like calm. It's like not being a recluse. Yeah. It's pretty fucking bleak for a little bit. And then now I'm like, you know, I'm like calm. Like, just like not being a recluse. Yeah. It's nice. It is nice.

Yeah, of course. But it's one of those things where like, otherwise, you know, if you're having bad thoughts, you just take, you know, they'll give you Valium. And they're like, now you're just kind of like, all right, this is cool. So it's kind of nice in a way to like feel fucking wild. I wish you could come to Indianapolis this Friday. Why? Just come out to ND for two days, three days.

You can do it. It will be tight. It will be tight. It will be tight. You're afraid. Dude, I'm jammed. She'll shut that down. I could go. It's just I'm right now jammed to the fucking gills.

I'm ahead. I'm behind like two weeks in work. Luckily, I have a bunch of stuff I need to do because I put my life on pause. During the scandal, I put my life on pause because I was like, I didn't know if I should do schoolwork. I didn't know if I was getting kicked out. So I just like chilled. Worst thing I can do is chill. The scandal puts a whole,

like a really, the scandal, the international scandal. For sure. I didn't even talk about this on here. What? I'm in that WhatsApp with, I have a WhatsApp group text

with all the teachers from Spain that I know. And when, like I haven't checked it in forever and I just checked it. Like, when the international scandal broke. Yeah. I was on the news in Madrid. In Madrid they were talking about this. Damn. In Madrid. Damn.

They're like, comico muy gracioso y homofobico. Shanghias. All my old teachers were like, holy shit. They hit you up. They're like, ay caramba. That's him.

Damn. Adios mio. So they called you? Yeah, they were texting me. They were like, dude, if you need to hide out in Spain, let us know. Should I fucking hide out in the mountains north of Madrid? That'd be awesome, dude. I mean, I'd just go up there and be like,

become one with my craft. You could take... Just be like, dad, come. Gay. Are you gay? That's groundwork. Carrying buckets of water. There better not be Jews in here tonight. Yeah, dude, you could go to Spain for like two weeks.

I think I will. I was planning on that. Before I got SNL, before all that, I literally had enough money to be like, I'm just going to take a two or three week trip to Madrid again. You should go to Spain and then anonymously leak it to the press that you're smoking crack and had to leave the country.

True. And let the press run wild with it. True. Not a bad idea. maybe you release it when i go on vacation come up with any type of story you want oh for sure doesn't have to be crack really damn this is like a yeah it'd be like chapelle going to africa that's what i'm saying i'm just returning to spain just getting back in touch with my fucking conquistador roots i am a conqueror that's what i'm saying Thank you, Spain. You need to go back over there. Fuck. I miss Spain, dude.

It's so funny to act like it was some journey. I just literally went and just went to the same bar every night. Blacked out. Just got hammered for fucking six months. Then went home. Yeah, it was pretty much in Brazil. I went to Brazil and just went to the hostels and would just drink Caprinas and be like, cool.

Yeah, cool. I'm out here really, you know, I just did the same thing I would do in Philly. It's like I went to the bar and watch sports. I just watched soccer. I literally ate dominoes in Brazil. Yeah, I found a Burger King and I was like, all right. That's so fucking funny. Let's post it up.

Yeah, because like it's on the way before I went, I was like, this is gonna be great. I'm gonna fucking, you know, I'm gonna eat healthy over there. There's gonna like healthy food. I'm gonna fucking, I will get, this is going to be great. I'm going to fucking, you know, I'm going to eat healthy over there. There's going to be healthy food. I'm going to fucking, I will get into this. I'll just become like a good human. Get cultured. And then I literally just didn't even go to work. I wouldn't go to school to teach the kids.

How long were you over there for again? Like six months. Damn, I forgot you were over there for that long. Yeah. That's fucking wild. Like five or six. Damn. Five. Okay. From like August to December. That's fucking wild Maybe like five or six Damn Five Okay

From like August to December That's a nice day August to the end of December I got there I got home for like Christmas That's a nice day Pretty sick Dude

The I'm actually So A couple of my bae's friends She got the ring dude So She got Bae has the ring

She Phil Jackson'd out dude Got the ring And I prepared her for phil jackson doubt dude got the ring and i i prepared her for this she's got a bunch of golems around her now i prepared her i said look dude it's so funny i'm like some the interactions might get a little weird with your female friends just saying when you're talking about i'm like you got you did it you got the ring you won she was just like and dude i'm like i'm like you know i was like i'm not i'm not even putting this against them it's not their fault but i'm like this is what you guys live for for real like you guys love this shit and like not even just that this is gonna fuck with your friends

like this is gonna this will bother them some some not all obviously but i'm like trust me dude yeah a couple days later she was this is your second championship exactly this is your second ring dude how many are you going for the one for the thumb oh for sure you're gonna hit the five A couple days later, she was like... This is your second championship. Exactly. This is your second ring, dude. Exactly. How many rings? Are you going for the one for the thumb? Oh, for sure. You're going to hit the five rings.

So, I'm going to get a two. I'm going to get Tim Duncan. Two's nice. Yeah. Two titles is sick. Yeah, dude. Fucking... So, she was like, it was so weird.

One of my friends I haven't talked to in a couple years reached out to me for relationship advice. She was just so weird. I'm like, told you, bro. How did you do it? It's not relationship advice. She's scheming. How did you get married? She's scheming. And then, dude, and then this friend, she was like, yeah, and it was really

weird, too, because she had been dating someone for a really long time, and they had broken up. But she told me halfway through the conversation, like, oh, and just between you and I, he actually tried to get back with me and did propose. But I didn't want to do that. I was like, yeah, I like it.

Very, very. What do you think about that? I mean, I got it, too. I just didn't want to. Yeah. Yeah, dude. OK, that's that's how fucking serious they are about this. Yeah.

Ladies love the ladies love rings, dude. They love getting married. Well, dude, it's like the... It's the complete validation. Exactly. It's total validation. Exactly. They need it.

And I'm telling you, the female ego thrives on exclusion. Because if you think about it, males have all that, like, you know, they'll, like, dominate and they'll, like, physically conquer and stuff. If you're a chick, you're not, like, going in, like, you know, beating people up and, like, being, like, the strongest the strongest biggest but you can be the most relationally aggressive and the way you hurt someone relationally is you exclude them so it's like now once someone else gets the ring you're part of the excluded group it's like so it's like someone dunking on you literally it's like someone dunking on you nuts in the face

well that's what's funny about and the shot clock's on like what we uh the shot clock's running it's low yeah it's flashing i told her this i'm like because i know i've known britney since she was 23 that but that lady confrontation thing that we're talking about is like what we deal with like what you deal with school the exclusionary fucking aggression all that is you deal with it at school i deal with it it's stand up like it's it's lady brain that all these pussies have they're like well now you're not in our group yeah and now our group looks down on you you're not good enough to be in the group anymore it's like good yeah fuck you guys i see your lady dog brains at work yeah man it's a fucking bullshit well no you know what you

know what i've come to the grips with i've been like because before it was like you're a young boy you're rolling around you're like you're caught up in these crazy fucking like star wars girl games where you're just kind of like wait what wait what do you mean wait so if i don't go there you'll be mad at me oh fuck and you're just like getting then you get a little older and you're like you peep game like i know these motherfuckers yeah yeah i see this third level is just being like, I forgive you. It's being like, I forgive you guys. Complete forgiveness. I don't even hold it over them.

I'm like, damn, dude. You guys have a tough fucking go. So step three after. So step one. Total forgiveness. Step one is you get fooled by it. Totally fooled. You can get played.

Well, step one through like 47. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I still run into that one quite a bit. Yeah. Step two is recognizing the game. Well, that's where you can go awry, where you can just be like, Jesus fucking,

and then my buddy got divorced and they took the fucking house and did it. Jesus is trying to fuck with us. Took the fucking house. Some people get stuck on, a lot of people get stuck on level two. Yeah.

Where it's like, Jesus motherfucking can't trust me. Fucking take everything I have, dirty bitch. Yeah. Level three is complete forgiveness. It's like. It's total acceptance and forgiveness.

Just like they know not, it's not even they know not what to do. It's, I'm sorry that this is the hand you were dealt this is tough you got a fucking tough battle i mean they're on a hard race lockdown a good man you gotta do it right they're on a hard race social pressure to be kind of a whore when you're younger all that stuff you got to battle through that because that affects you later down the road yep you know there's a tough it's a tough world out there for babes. It is tough. And then, dude, didn't they get pregnant? And you watch them, like, go through pregnancy and you're just like, holy fuck.

It fucks them up. Yeah, of course. Pregnancy must be nuts, dude. Every single person that goes through it says it's nutty. Dude, it's fucked up. They hit the finish line, break the ribbon, and then someone's like, come here. And they're just like, oh, God. And they're throwing up. They're like, bleh, bleh. it's fucked up. They hit the finish line, break the ribbon, and then someone's like, come here. And they're just like, oh, God, and throwing up. They're like, bleh, bleh.

It's fucked up. That is how they cross the finish line. Like somebody finishing a marathon, like their leg's giving out, like shit in their pants, just like, I did it. Yeah, man. And then they're on a real shot clock of being like, if I don't do this by now, it's going to become less and less and less. And everyone's in their ear, dude. It's like the crowd.

The crowd's chanting. They're like, five, four. Yeah. They're letting you just throw up a Hail Mary. Like, fuck, I married McCusker. Fuck, that guy sucks. Well, it was funny. No, the funniest part that actually reminds me of something that the one person she was talking to was basically like, yeah, well, there's like, you know, I think I'm going to go back and give guys a second chance I didn't really talk to before.

Of course you are. Yeah, but it's like. That's getting old, babe. You're using, no, you're using people to fulfill some weird thing. And then it's like, and then what? You're going to have someone pledge their life to you to fulfill your basically an ego function which again i'm not you know i'm not hating on them because i'm level three but it's like think of the poor guy that's like oh sweet fucking you know she's back in my life i knew she fucking liked me yeah and the whole while

dude a whole while she's like so what are we even doing here just waiting to get it's like how much of that is the fucking scorn of not the scorn just the anxiety of not being accepted into the in-group and the you know the success and how much of that is just kind of like yeah you know what maybe i should it's just like a weird thing to be like yeah the guys that are into obviously aren't going to do what i want so i'm going to go down a peg and i could probably convince one of these motherfuckers they're proposing me yeah that's the darkness dude i don't know if it's even that dark though i think it's just like yeah that's it yeah i mean i'm full level three dude but then my thing is then if they they get the validation you don't think they're going to start being like oh mama bear's going to go back on the prowl

oh for sure get the validation you're like that's how that's how that's why women cheat yeah like i mean that's not the only reason but those types of like a chick that like goes down to get somebody to marry them is clearly as soon as the i mean as soon as the wedding's over party's over yeah it's just like oh fuck i'm stuck with this guy i had so much fun the last year like planning the wedding being the center of all this as soon as the wedding ends you're just waking up in bed next to some dork in a tux. Just like, oh, fuck. Oh, babe, breakfast is almost over. Come on, hurry up. Yeah, man. It's fucking...

And then, yeah, it's like, well, this sucks. I got to get out of here. And this is also, too, it's like this is synonymous with like... And this is all coming from my extensive marriage and relationship experience. Well, this type of bae is synonymous

with like power-hungry psycho dude. So it's like it's not at all, but there's a strong contingent very strong contingent i i'm at a we're i was at a party recently and this girl was just like yeah i study snails and like i go to i'm like a scientist and i study snails and shit chick's chilling dude she's studying fucking snails she has a good old time yeah you like her oh it was just good it was good to hear someone just being like yeah i study snails talking about not just sitting there being like the fucking the the crate like the she seems secure in herself i should say

that's nice yeah it was good but no dude i'm not like that bro you i don't lust what i don't lust i didn't say you lusted you're wiggling your eyebrows suggestively no i'm not matthew but no i'm dude i'm sorry your fucking spy cams aren't here the one you set up when you tricked me into saying all those words yeah it was crazy dude i'm telling you to be like hey get ready for it dude a day later it happens i mean of course there's no like wow you were right how it was just like oh blah blah blah blah and i'm like yep yeah in level three i go yelp at least i prepared you for that babe yelp stick tight hang tight and see what's going on but yeah dude imagine if I had called you about SNL and been like

yeah you know I mean I was thinking about taking some improv classes I decided not to yeah not a big deal I mean

I could have fast tracked my way up there but I figured I'd focus on the podcast instead that's crazy I got a lot of I got similar I mean it's

I hate to always bring it back to this but obviously it's what I think about now it is like that though as soon as I got it lot of, I hate to always bring it back to this, but obviously it's what I think about now. It is like that, though. As soon as I got, it was like a broad getting married. For sure. It's like a lady broad immediately getting married and just everyone being like, oh my god, how did you do it?

You're so great. Then as soon as it's like, oh no, I can't get it. Everyone was like, eh. I knew you couldn't get it. If I couldn't get it, you definitely can't get it. Everyone was like, eh. Yeah. I knew you couldn't get it. If I couldn't get it, you definitely couldn't get it. Eh. Let's go out, bitches. Let's go out and have shines.

Yeah. Yeah, man. I'm telling you, girl world is dark world. Girl world's wild. Dark world. Yeah. The more I get into it, the more I fucking plug in the Matrix. Do you think all girls are jokers?

Perhaps, dude. It's a whole different. all girls are jokers? Perhaps, dude. It's a whole different. I think it's a whole different beast, dude. It is. I mean, yes. Chicks are twisted, bro. Chicks are twisted. Poison Ivy's for sure.

Poison Ivy's. Wasn't Poison Ivy the joker, babe? Poison Ivy's a twisted babe. No, that's the Riddler's, dude. The Riddler's, babe. That's Seth Simon, the Taddler. Seth Simon's the Taddler. He is the Taddler. He's a sneaky Taddler. He is the Taddler.

He's a sneaky guy. He'll tattle on you. That's just a good superhero. The Riddler has like the Hamburglar thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was watching the YouTube. He was like, ah! Yeah, dude, that's the Taddler.

Yeah, man, that shit like, that fucked me all the way up, dude. I saw it. I was like, I called it, started hearing it it and it was just like it's like it's it just it strikes so deep the girl world girl world but dude sisters you ever hear your sisters battle vaguely i haven't heard them battle in a long time my sisters when i was younger would come home from the bars they would you know i'd be i'd be up watching sports yeah of course being a being a guy just being a dude and uh sisters come in all chatty like guys i'm watching fucking sports guys i'm watching sports you fucking fat dykes

that was a character of an eighth grader all right she that was a character of an eighth grader if we can't even control yourself i know i'm fucked dude there's no way this is ever stopping uh but they would come home and just like 2.30 in the morning. They're downtown. They're down in Harrisburg having a good old time. All it takes is a cab. You put drunk people in a cab, two fucking ladies in a cab like that, there's going to be like a, yeah, bitch.

They start to fight. They would come home and say the worst things in the world to each other at all times. Yeah. They usually centered around relationships and marriage. Ooh. Usually flew, somebody got hit with that eventually. Well, sisters.

Someone would get called fat eventually. That would be like tears and like screaming and shit. Yeah. I'd have to be like, shh, you're going to wake up mom and dad. Shut the fuck up. Damn. They'd go out in the garage and like chain smoke and cry. I'd be like, shut the fuck up.

Yeah. I mean, dude, sisters, like sister reality, once they kind of like hit puberty the competition they start trying to define who's prettier who's this who's that it's like a pretty like that's my sister's never had to worry about that it's just a dead tie but still they listen to this but still yeah they're both beautiful that's why beautiful beautiful there's. Yeah, they're both beautiful. That's why. Beautiful ladies. They're both fucking beautiful, dude. There's no question that they're both beautiful. My thing is- I call them the Simpson sisters. Do you really?

Literally, like Marge's- The gruesome Therese? They would smoke cigarettes and come home and be like, you're a fat bitch. I'd be watching College Game Day Final. They'd be like, you're a fucking loser. Why'd you out part? Yeah. It's funny.

Damn. They would just get hammered. Came home drunk. They were getting hammer party. It's funny. Damn. They were just getting hammered. Came home drunk. They were getting hammered. I was tight. My brother came home hammered and I convinced him to drink lean one time. It was so fucking funny.

Oh, nice. The night before Easter. Nice. We were brushing our teeth. Which brother? Tom. He got Tom to drink lean. He was all drunk.

My sister had lean from bronchitis. We came home and I was just like, he opened up the medicine cabinet and I'm like, yo, bro, let me get that like he opened up the medicine cabinet and I'm like yo bro let me get that and I fake sipped the lean and I'm like he won't do this and he fucking

DJ screwed it DJ screwed the lean dude it was Paul Wall at fucking Easter dude he for real was dipping out at Easter Mass

he was tipping off all phones at Easter bro the next morning he was like that's awesome pretty tight but yeah man I'm telling you

chugging lean before Easter Mass is the dull move. Have mercy on your bays, dude. Just get into girl world. See what's jamming them. See what's jamming them. Wait till we do the Patreon Q&A. I'm excited, dude, to do Patreon Q&A.

To tell the people. Just to see what's going on case by case. Be like, all right, hit me with your snare. Tell us what's going on with your snizz. It'll be funny, too. There's going to be some guy like, oh, she doesn't fucking blow me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I got two DUIs. She's making a big fucking deal about it. I wonder, yeah. I know a lot of our listeners have good bays. For sure. I get DMs from their bays. Do you really? Usually trying to ask me for a favor for their boy.

There's some loyal bays out there. Calling the bull? Nothing weird about it, bays out there. Calling the bull? Nothing weird about it, I promise. They calling you the bull? They'll say, excuse me, sir, could you please help out my lowly boyfriend? I'll say, yes, ma'am. What is it? Tell me what I need to do.

Probably Thomas Wayne, you're probably like, get out of here, you dirty bitch. No, there's a lot of listeners with good bays. I think that's a good contingency. For sure. A lot of our listeners are not Joker incels. We did gain... I think that's been the heavy push that we've gotten. Joker incels?

We have like half Joker incels, half Barstool dogs. True. And it's a true war. We've had a lot of positive vibes going on. The Reddit seemed to kind of... The Reddit is positive. I go on there, I look, I check. Someone will say, everyone's joking, having a good time. war well we had a lot we've had a lot of positive vibes going on the reddit seemed to kind of the reddit is positive i go on there i look i check someone will say everyone's joking having a good time someone will take it to a bad spot and it's just all down votes and i'm like all right yeah

yeah yeah the fucking the culture dude is in the culture that's what that's what we came here to change that's what the reddit is you're tropicana i'm trying to manage the people dude i gotta quell rebellions i gotta fucking be like shut up dude shut up, dude. Don't post that. Put it down. Yeah, that's what we came here to do. We came here to change the culture from the inside. We got to start with our own subreddit and try to change the culture. Hey, guys, knock it off with the slurs and shit.

Why don't you go ahead and knock it off? If someone's saying something mean about me on Twitter, go ahead and knock it off the slurs. Don't respond with mean slurs. It ain't helping. Oh, yeah. Good Lord. Somebody will comment like, oh, yeah, he shouldn't be performing. Blah, blah, blah.

Someone's like, fuck you. Just say the worst shit. I'm like, oh, my God. No, no, no. Shut the fuck up. You're making it worse. Yeah, I had to turn the comments off on my Instagram photos. Oh, I saw that.

So I disabled the comments. And then I got a bunch of DMs from people that don't like me that are like, oh, you pussy, you can't take negative comments. I'm like, I'm not protecting you or I'm not protecting myself from you.

Yeah. I'm protecting you guys from the fucking dogs, dude. The dogs are in the comments just saying wild shit, dude. Well, it's funny. They don't understand the dogs get loose.

We got to think about that. That's like a slow IV drip of negativity negativity just like all day you open up your phone it affects you like great and i can't stop i you know i've i can't not look at it this is podcast and doing shows like the only time i'm not staring at my phone and then it's like dude it's into my dreams. That's crazy. I'm literally having dreams of fucking bad comments and tweets. I'm having dreams. It's like fat 20-up votes. Like, oh, God. No, no, no.

Oh, God. It's not like that. It's like dreams of my darkest fucking things in my life coming out on the New York Times. Damn. And shit like that. And then I'll wake up in a panic about it. And be like, oh, that's not real. And then it bleeds into reality.

Was that a real article? Or did I fucking think that one up? Damn, dude. Yeah, it's pretty dark. It's pretty wild shit. We're both losing our fucking minds. Well, I'm okay. I really am. Me too.

I'm not like... I think you... Me not like I think you me too I think you need a fucking break I know you need to sit down but yeah

the having nightmares about like comments and tweets yeah that's terrible and articles articles is rough

it also sucks to have a dream about that yeah it's like can I get come on man give me a fucking respite i've had like landscaping dreams where i wake up and then go to work and i'm like god fucking damn it this sucks i miss my old football dreams that must have been tight just having a dream where it's like oh i forgot my helmet in the locker room i can't play today

that's the dream that's the nightmare anyway now it's like just being slandered yeah just being slandered by the fucking by time magazine it's like holy shit slandered yeah just being slandered by the fucking by time magazine it's like holy shit then you wake up and you're getting slandered by time magazine basically yeah i just wonder i mean it has to i think it's going to come to a halt what's that this whole weird like uh like puritan fucking culture puritanical left yeah i think it's gonna fizzle i think it's coming to a stop like towards this i mean what i did was pretty outrageous compared to what most people get canceled for and there are still people like he shouldn't be fucking canceled yeah and you also weren't like you know you didn't basically bitch up i could you stayed in gp you could have went

pc and you didn't bitch up you stayed gp could not bitch up on on this. I mean, I don't think people give that enough credit. No one. That hurt them. I said, listen to Metzger. He gave me some credit. Well, he understands what you're up against. Well, he heard the story. You can hear people that have heard the story of that know what happened, which was NBC

fucking called me and was like, say that this was inexcusable and like, we can help you. Yeah. And I was like, I can't. I cannot do that. You think they would have caught you anyway if you had fully i think that for sure yeah i knew that too i think there's a good chance i would have got crushed no matter what because first off old sethy seth simons was not going to let that go tatler the tatler the tatler was on me and if they would have been like all right he was on your back he said sorry for that he was eating your old tatler

you were passed out seth simons was eating your fucking ass and people were just filming no one was like hey should we stop this the tattler was on my back yeah so the tattler there's no way he was gonna let me go if if let's say i apologized and everyone was like okay that's fucked up but okay let's you can go to the show he would have just found the next clip which would have been undoubtedly five minutes fucking later on the same episode. Him and fucking others still. Someone else tried hopping on the bandwagon as well. Really?

Yeah, there was other people trying to hop on. Of course. Oh, I found this. He also said, juice-key roos-key, sir. Roos-key juice-keys. Oh my God. Yeah.

Well, and then it's like like i'm having conversations with people that like normal people i'm just out talking to people and i'm like explaining the clip again i just keep going over it and being like this is what happened on that and they're they're like you don't have to do that i'm like i want to like i want to tell you they're like no it's okay i don't care i'm like well i i care yeah like i'm telling i'm going out of my way to just be like yeah i got fucked on this clip this is what i actually meant this is why and they're like no it's okay it's just fucking again dude i'm telling you they are for real trying to stifle and it sounds so fucking annoying but it's like unfettered

free speech which is like and i don't i think you're still not you're not allowed to like walk up to someone and harass them by throwing slurs at them yeah like no one's defending that no and you're not allowed like free speech doesn't allow you to do that because harassment you're not allowed to do that yeah and it's it is such a dumb argument but my thing is if you start at a certain point they're going to keep fucking chiseling down and like oh yeah and they will keep chiseling that down sure but they do have arguments against that of course about that like yeah i agree but you either can have it or you don't yeah because that's it's like nobody just

like one day it's a slow slip that's the thing where it's like where if somebody says something that's offensive if you decide that it's offensive if you watch or listen to this podcast and are like, you know what? I don't think those guys are trying to be funny. I think this is real. Yeah. Which, how fucking dumb do you have to be to listen to you and me and be like, I think they're serious.

But do you have to also want, they probably want that. Dude, we're just twisted jokers. We're twisted jokers. But if you want, if you wanted that to be the case it's super easy to convince yourself yeah i mean that's what we're doing in the podcast we're pretending we're serious yeah during the show we're like get these goddamn ducks out of the window of art yeah it's like yeah if you want to listen to it as hate speech no pretty easy they've heard it they've heard it and they know they know a fucking joke shane shout out to all the comedians who work hard on their jokes dude and craft the right fucking jokes dude oh shout out to all the comedians like

us dude you fucking work hard did you say you watch those those la whatever that like panel was i saw that oh how about the one part where the one girl i forget who she i don't know who at first i have no idea you know obviously who these people are but one of them was like uh she's like i hate like hiding behind the fact that it's just jokes it's like it's not just joke like i love comedies jokes are sacred to me i know they're not just jokes like when i was young i used to put my ear up to the television to listen to prior at night with the volume low so i didn't wake up my grandpa. Like, I love comedy, and this was not comedy. I saw that.

It's like, dude, shut up. I saw that exact line. I was sitting there. I was watching. I was like, who the fuck is that guy? Yeah, dude. Just sitting with the Conor McGregor, just like, who the fuck are you? Yeah, man, I'm telling you.

What are we doing here, guys? It's any means necessary to get to the top, dude. I'm telling you, that's what people are on right now. Yeah, and also. They're convinced that's the way, that's the ticket ticket to make fun of us is a layup for them you're in a fucking alt woke or whatever they are well they might not it might not have even been alt or woke but you know i could i saw the panel and kind of made some assessments on uh are they actually funny or furniture too there's some cool furniture i mean how easy it'd be to slam us

too there's some cool furniture i mean how easy it'd be to slam us so easy totally what we do our entire podcast is make fun of what we are i know so yes it's pretty fucking easy that's how we that's how we've risen from the fucking ground like just from the dirt to now look at us dude we're dudes we're salt of the earth bro thousands of dollars is what it is you know i have almost nine thousand dollars now do you really bro no one can stop us is what it is you know what it's like to almost have nine grand in the bank god damn that's dude that's like suck my dick half of your rent bro you can just chill for half a year what do you think i do chill forever for 90 of the year yeah man i'm telling you it's fucking i just want to know what's going to come about with all this stuff because they're they're real stuff will stick and some of the stuff that'll stick will be probably for the better but a lot of this shit is just going to be like

like just imagine people's old like when they're old and they're just kind of like all these comics yeah all these people the tattler attack like all they're old and they're just kind of like. Dude, all these comics? Yeah. All these people, the Tattler? The Tattler, like all those kind of, like they're just going to be annoying. Did you watch the Tattler's poetry video? A little bit. The one that I showed Phil, that clip. I like, dude, I'll watch like two, I'll see that. It's like, how long is that?

That's like an hour and a half, but his clips, he goes first in the episode. Does he? Yeah. The Tattler comes on and it's so fucking funny. Yeah. It's like, he's not gonna... What's he talking about?

First of all, he's a little tiny boy. Little tiny man. The manlet. He's a little tiny boy. What? Which is obviously... The Taddler?

He's a little... The Taddler's short. The Taddler's a little tiny guy. He runs around. Doesn't he kind of look like Harry Potter a little bit? He does. Okay.

He's like, again, he's like alter ego Crick. Yeah. He literally is Crickick if he was crick's dark and twit quick tricks a joker for sure crick's joaquin for sure this guy's more like i don't know where i'm going but yeah this this whole they're all gonna pretend that they weren't this not him he's stuck in it but like all these comics like that let's for example, that panel of whatever those people were, the oddities, those people, they're going to, in a few,

whenever this starts to break or whatever, they're going to come around and be like, I was never like that. That's what everyone's going to do. That's true. And you know what we're going to do about that? Nothing. We're not going to be like, oh, I remember that clip.

Well, if I ever see them, I'll be like, I remember that clip. Yeah. It's level three, bro. I'm not going to be like, oh, I remember that clip. Well, if I ever see them, I'll be like, I remember that clip. Yeah. But it's not going to... It's level three, bro. I'm not going to publicly come out and be like, hey, look at these dickheads.

We're a couple level three dogs. We're like, yo, we peep game. We know what you guys are up to. Game recognize game, dude. This is level three. We understand it's hard. I recognize that doing stand-up and doing comedy

and anything in this fucking corny-ass entertainment industry is difficult and you're trying to do whatever it takes. And dude, it's the same forgiveness as to all these other con like the the older comics the big dogs

coming down shitting on us a little oh yeah bro i recognize what you're doing you gotta protect your shit you gotta distance yourself from us you gotta sit there and be like well that's not funny i'm all for edgy shit because i do edgy shit but i do it it well. Yeah. My shit's funny. Yeah. Well, I listen to your podcast and I beg to differ. Oh, for sure. But most podcasts. Whatever. Are pretty fucking bad.

Yes. I mean, so is ours. Sometimes. Ours is top. Ours is fucking top dog. Ours is elite. Ours is top dog. Ours is clearly elite.

Yeah. It's a whole different thing, though. If you're not naturally funny, you can't really do a good podcast. They talk about our podcast in Madrid, dude. Think about that. It is what it is. On the like oh something about matthew shane's a secret podcast homophobic yeah it's just you know it is what again is what it fucking is dude

ain't no motherfucking big deal really isn't but i'll tell you what. Dogs, this Friday, Indy, come out to Indy helium, bro. This Friday, I'm bringing out O'Connell and the motherfucking bees there. It's so nice of helium. Hell yeah. They're taking a risk because they'll probably get shit on a little bit for having me. But, I mean, they're not taking it. They're going to make money and they're going to get like three negative fucking tweets from him, her. Fucking purple ponytail brigade dude.

From she, he on their fucking pronouns. Yeah, Indy. We're going to hit a little Friday night. For sure. Dude, O'Conney. You're doing one night in town. We're doing one night on Friday in Indy, so then on Saturday we can go to that Indy game.

O'Conney with the mastermind. He put that together? Yesterday he was like, we should just go to Indianapolis and go to the Notre Dame game this Saturday. I was like alright

get it done. Damn. That's fucking wild bro. Boys at Helium were like yeah come out bro. Come chill. So this Friday Helium Indy

Indianapolis. Come on out. It's going to be nuts dude. Dang. It'll probably suck. Then the 24th, 25th, and 26th, Helium Philadelphia.

And I'll tell you what, rumblings of a Matt McCusker, Chris O'Connor lineup. Yeah, dude. Probably a little Beezer sneaking around. The boys, dude. That's going to be

the true oddities, dude. That'll be nuts. That'll be fun as fuck. They're writing about it already. around. The boys, dude. That's going to be the true oddities, dude. That'll be nuts. That'll be fun as fuck. They're writing about it already. Who? The press, dude. They're already writing about the show. What, they're saying that you're going to be in Philly?

Yeah. What the fuck? What's their problem, dude? I don't know. It helps. For sure. It helps. Why are they so obsessed?

I don't know. I guess because they're following you because you didn't give a good enough apology yeah i think they i think people like it some people you mean in the press yeah that's oh yeah i do i think there's certain but yeah i think they're following me for that yeah i think they'll be done after this but then again i said that last week keeps saying every week i'm like all right that's gotta be it it's just weird too because news is so hyper focused anymore because there's like the google searches that like it can be going on and on and it was like it won't pop up well the story of cancel culture is big right now true and so that's why they keep using me true yeah you are fucking the jesus christ i was martyred you kind

of were dude i was martyred for the art dude pretty much were and then my own disciples and fucking companions turned on me. Yeah. They denied me. That's true. They denied the podcast. It was funny three times. They denied.

I didn't think it was funny. I was like, what if I don't? I didn't think it was funny. What if I don't? Forgive me. Then me and the gods are up on the mountains, dude. I just don't know why everyone has to be like a... I don't know why...

Well, it's also, too, if you're doing stand-up for a while and you know ticket sales start slowing up it it's never you're never really secure you're just always worried that your shit's about to fizzle out yeah so it's like it's either that or your shit is going well you're selling out theaters and shit so you're like i'm so good at this yeah it's like are you sure you're good at yeah or you get a little nudge by someone who is. Yeah. Something like that. I don't know. I don't know.

Hey, hey. I hear you. Hey, I'm not saying nothing. I'm not saying nothing. I hear you. I'm not saying nothing there. I hear you, bro. Come on, bro.

Dude, I had possibly one of the sickest things happen to me the other day. You fuck with state-dependent memory? State-dependent memory? Yeah. So like. What type? All right. I think I can understand what that is so say you're drunk right and then you can access the memory exactly yes exactly so i'm fucking i take a nap on the couch i'm laying there i take a theta i put the theta waves on no no i didn't excuse me yeah theta not delta delta i wasn't ready to be there yeah i didn't

think so delta that would have been... If you put delta on it, I'd be like, what the hell? Yeah, that's dead to the world. So I did some theta. Very light, trans, dreamlike state. So I lay on the couch, got the theta binaural beats going. I'm laying there. And I just...

It's something I'm doing too where I'm not tired, but I lay down and close my eyes and just fucking try to entertain myself in my head. It's pretty fucking sick. All right. You got to chill. Dude, it's a good thing to be able to do you lay down you're just like let's go you lay down and just you know so i'm hitting a weird theta nap all this dude out of nowhere this is the coolest part my brain out of nowhere it was like dude how sick would that be if you just

wore a condom and just peed into it like you're talking you're in conversation you're talking with someone you just fully pee into a condom and then like while you're talking you just take it off not it you're like yeah balloon tie it yeah what you were saying smash it on the hood of a car driving by start like a water balloon like you were saying yeah go ahead sir and just hold it that dude that would be so then in my head i'm like dude well a fucking condom even stay on my flaccid dick it'll probably fall off i'll pee it right I can't even keep them on hard dogs. I'd lose them on hard dogs. I'd pee it right off. How sick would that be?

To wear a condom and just pee into it. And just be like, chuck it out. I like the idea of talking. I just imagine out front of helium. Stand out front. You just stop, stand still, make eye contact. Like my nephew took a shit the other day. He was like walking around the living room and he just stops. he's like it's like oh he's shitting that's funny

imagine just even just a pee not even a full pee just let just let out a spurt yeah just make part of it i love just spiking it on the hood of a car come driving by and then be like what were you saying sorry about that i'd be dude so then i'm thinking about that i'm laying on the couch and then i'm like damn dude it's like people pretty much frown on any kind of inappropriate latex wear in general. Like, if you were to wear just latex gloves and go out in public, people will fucking call the mayor on you, dude. If you just walk around in a suit and latex gloves, people are pissed. Yeah, people do not like latex. They don't like that, dude.

Yeah. In my head, I'm like, why the fuck can't you just wear latex gloves? It's disgusting to walk around and have someone give you change and put out a latex hand. They're like, oh, come on, man. Yeah, I see people wear latex in New York. Really? On the subways and shit. It's freaky.

Yeah. Yeah? What other kind of surgical gear do they wear? Sometimes surgical masks. They wear latex gloves, too? Yeah, I see some gloves. See, sometimes black latex gloves, which is pretty sick. I might saw a rock in those.

That's fucking tight, dude. Just to get away with crimes on the subway. Really? But yeah, I see people wear surgical masks in public all the time. I've seen the surgical masks. You're saying they stepped it up to fucking latex gloves. Latex gloves, yeah. I see those sometimes.

What are the houses like? What type of houses? stepped it up to fucking latex latex gloves yeah i see those sometimes what are their hat what like what are the houses like what type of house would you like defume your shoes and shit so if you're wearing latex gloves and you probably remove your shoes when you go inside that's true yeah you probably want to get the germs in there that's just crazy you're that afraid of fucking germs dude it's like what the fuck that's crazy i understand it like wearing gloves on the subway is a fucking great idea you think so yeah i mean you look like a fucking weirdo but latex gloves on the subway is a fucking sick i'm just strengthening my immune system me too so i'm all about it just coughed i just had two cold i'd had two sick bays in my house never get through it i didn't get

i didn't get motherfucking shit dude knock on woods yeah knock i didn't get shit dude but yeah dude so i'm developing a doodle tooth though what's a doodle tooth remember fucking six is doodle to get a sweet tooth i got a bad cavity oh sick oh you're getting actual sweet tooth like a bad rotten nasty tooth i got a doodle tooth coming in what i'm devastated. I got to go to the fucking dentist this week. Oh, that sucks. Yeah, I haven't had a cavity like this.

You're like, how much does it cost? He's like, nine grand. Yeah, it's going to be that. It's going to be that. It's going to be exactly how much money I have. Nah, a cavity will be like probably 400 bucks, 300 bucks. Doodle tooth? Is it like you have to dig down and pull?

He's got a pool tooth. Yeah. Yeah, maybe. I bet we're talking two grand. Haggle. It's not going to be two grand to pull one tooth. It's going to be tough, too, because I live in a fucking, you know, who knows? Yeah.

This is a rough neighborhood. This could be some fucking... Did you ever go to like a... Some fucking Kazakhstan being like, I'll fix your fucking tooth. Did you ever go to a wild dentist? I think fix your fucking tooth? Did you ever go to a wild dentist? I think I'm about to go to a very wild dentist. Dude, when I was on Medicaid, I had a sign of release saying dentistry was not an exact science. And they're like, they're not responsible if they fuck up my mouth. And I was like, what the fuck?

There's no chance any of these dentists are going to have anything to sign. This is going to be just come on in, 50 bucks. Let's see that tooth. You're going to yank that thing. Bite the leather strap. Perhaps I will. So I'm going to give you a rabbit's foot, dude. You gotta yank that thing. Bite the leather strap. Perhaps I will. So I might give you a rabbit's foot, dude. You gotta fucking bite a rabbit's foot.

It's good to have pain. I haven't had physical pain in a while. Really? Yeah. Most of it's just torment and emotion. They'll numb you up. A little swig of vodka. You might like it.

A little shot of vodka. Yeah, they're gonna go under and wake up in like an ice cube bathtub. Yeah. Oh, dude, so I didn't even tell you. So I was in the fucking theta nap. I'm sitting there. I'm thinking of fucking. No, please.

I got a doodle tooth. It's weighing on me. It's got to be killing you, dude. I'm so fucking mad. All you can do is lick your doodle tooth. Oh, yeah. By the way, they're called doodle teeth because Beezer 6 got a fucking warble cavity. From eating snickerdoodles.

He was eating 7-Eleven snickerdoodles every night. He got doodle tooth. Now I got the same doodle tooth. That sucks, dude. Fucking blows. All right, sorry. It gets worse and worse. Everything just gets worse and worse.

It sucks, dude. Doodle tooth. Fucking cancer. Fucking cancer. Can't even fit into a condom to pee into it. Can't even fucking wear condoms to piss publicly. Fucking sucks. It sucks.

I'm sitting there. So you're taking a theta nap. So I take a theta nap. I'm thinking of all this stuff. Obviously, it leaves my mind. I go to the food shop and I come out and put my phone in to play some music. I left the theta track on. Put it on.

Instantly, it comes back. I had forgotten. It was like while I was in a twilight state. Hit the theta track. Boom. I started thinking about peeing into a latex condom. i was like holy fuck dude that was memory it worked wow it does work isn't that crazy of course it works it's like if i was like my zoolander cue dude i heard the fucking it was like my relax don't do it and i was like i gotta pee into a fucking condom

pop right back into my head and i was like damn that's awesome that's a good thing yeah i get it i usually get it with like like sprinklers stuff with like football yeah it's always like football like i'll smell the grass or the leaves or something like that just instantly do you ever fuck with the memory palace yeah of course you fuck with you're in heuristics i've stayed in heuristics so do you ever have you don't really have trouble remembering your material do you yeah i do do you yeah dig this dude it's a memory palace forget entire i'll say the same 10 minutes over and over again for like several months. And I'd be like, oh yeah, I forgot I could have done that. Like I forgot all this other material.

You need to map out the memory palace. All the good Greek orders used to do this. It's a way to, you know those guys gave like long, like hours long speeches. So you imagine a place you're familiar with. College campus. Your house, building hours long speeches. So you imagine a place you're familiar with. College campus, your house, building. Your mom. Ooh. Your mom's snatch.

Ooh. Sorry, bro. Sorry, bro. Sorry, bro. That's just low hanging fruit. Slam, dude. You know me, just low hanging fruit comedy. I usually go with comedy that makes you think and shit like that, but this was just low

hanging fruit. I had to take it. Did you just punch down, bro? I punched down. No, I punched up inside your mom's guts. how you feeling right now a lot i just i just comedy jokes are sacred to me dude jokes are so sacred to us that's the thing that i love about you and me we're just dude i used to listen to that i hate when people try to say they did shit when they were four it's like no you didn't oh yeah no you didn't i would stay up and then why

are you telling us what are you trying to accomplish with this biography you're in a room trying to tell people that you used to stick your ear up to the television speaker to listen to prior at night dude i used to stick my ear to the radio to listen to fucking corn and then my mom took the tape and broke it dude i was not being like oh this is cool. I love prior when I'm fucking a young kid. When I'm five? What the fuck was funny about that to you at five? Yeah, yeah.

You were related to a black dude from the 80s? Yeah, you understood prior when you were five. You were like, oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. I didn't think about that. I remember I found a Carlin CD in my dad's. In my dad's, I listened to it. I was like, fucking sucks.

I was like fifth grade. I was like fucking sucks I was like 5th grade I was like this is gay I was all Jerky Boys yeah Jerky Boys that's as funny as it gets I can see that dude the memory

I think I was just Waterboy I just watched Waterboy over and over again dude I loved that movie dude and then Rob Schneider came to my aid of course dude

you can do it dude that guy came back and helped me. Dude, so here's what you do. Here's how you're going to never forget your material. The memory palace. You're going to think of something else, not my mother's vagina.

All right. Okay? Shame. Sorry, bro. Sorry, bro. I can't help it. Sorry, bro. I mean, it's just comedy, bro.

In fifth grade, I used to stay up at night and watch The Waterboy at night. And put your watch the water boy at night and put your ear to it you have to put your ear to the screen you can't be listening to it at normal volume i don't want to wake up my parents so i'd listen to water boy at night every night i love comedy oh dude yeah i remember that when you used to do that then like your your dad would find you sleeping by the tv and he'd be kind of pissed but he'd be like that kid's gonna be a star that's shane he'd wrap you up in a blanket and carry upstairs and like be like, go to bed, champ. Shane, you love comedy too much. You just love comedy too much.

Kid's got a passion. Kid's got a passion for comedy. I'm trying to think about what the fuck I did when I was five. One time I was... When I was five? When I was five.

I don't remember shit about it. Yeah, I don't... I remember I've been told... My parents brought... Did she say five in the... I don't think she said five. I swear she said like young as fuck. Why are we putting your ear to the TV?

What was she 15 to not wake up her grandpa? I think is what she said. Something like that. Maybe I don't know a lot of regardless if she was fucking 12 doing it or fucking 18 very autobiographical. You're trying to tell this whole audience something that is like kind of a cool thing that you're lying about. Yeah, you probably maybe did it once and then we're probably like all right this is uncomfortable i'm gonna just turn the volume up yeah i remember when i

was when i was a young kid i remember my dad brought me on the big bad wolf at bush gardens i remember really thinking i was going to die because i was floating out you're gonna hurt you're gonna roller coaster when you're little i was floating up out of the seat my dad was holding me down i never had that problem i was like i'm probably getting in when i was five yeah bringing the big boys you brought the batman to a screeching halt it went like yeah i remember like almost dying think i was gonna die on the big bad wolf and then i was i was in a restaurant one time i don't remember this i was told i went away like i someone ordered mahi mahi and i like excused myself from the table and like went and sat on the floor and like drummed on the the toilet mahi mahi over and over then like my mom came in and was like oh matt my parents were concerned about

me they were like yeah yeah well you're a bit of a fucking dunce well i still also i'm kind of ashamed of this oh shit i have to leave oh shit I used to also... I'm kind of ashamed of this. Oh, shit. I have to leave. Oh, shit. You got to go to Healy? Yeah. I'm kind of ashamed of this, dude,

but I used to think I was a Native American when I was little. I used to run around and fucking... Just like... Chill. What? What are you talking about? I was a real little kid.

I used to pretend I was a Native American. My mom told me. I didn't know. What would... Did she call it that? Yeah. Yeah, as a little guy. I showed her a little picture of my nephew what a fucking what a great oh dude before you get out of here fuck they're so funny the memory pal shane never forget this i'm gonna

have to go to the dentist or get take notes i mean they're gonna get some doodle teeth all right here you go here's the deal next time you got to do a show find a place you're familiar with be it your house be it the old Allen Matter wherever whatever big sure structure you can picture and then

put the jokes in each room and then walk around the house yeah but you you drew not just for jokes you just do like something that'll symbolize it that'll get your attention

okay so it'll be you and your dad doing and I walk up to my room guess who's up there who your mom whoa

she's in my room and my best jokes my best jokes are on her tits. Whoa. Dude, you think I'm going to forget that? Sorry, bro. Bro, I'm sorry. I just take it too far with this stuff. I mean, dude, you can't help it.

I push boundaries, bro. Damn. I push boundaries. I forgive you. All right, thanks. Dude. All right, come to Indianapolis Friday. How sick is the Memory Palace?

I'm sorry the memory palace is fucking awesome it is awesome you'll use it I will use it we gotta discuss it more in depth for sure

next episode let's do a page not now I'll do a page maybe tomorrow let's do it during the day or something it's a date

it's a date if you don't do it I'm gonna freak out cause you made plans to cancel them um October 24th 25 25th, 26th, Helium, Philadelphia.

Also, again, this Friday, the 10th at, no, the 11th at Indianapolis. I mean, the place is going to be going fucking nuts, dude. Damn. November 7th. You're the boy on fire to be going fucking nuts, dude. Damn. November 7th. You're the boy on fire. 7th. Oh, shit. November 8th and 9th.

Brokerage Comedy Club in Belmore, New York. I don't know where Belmore is, but Brokerage Comedy Club, the 8th and 9th of November. And then November 30th, Laugh It Up, Poughkeepsie. That's a fun one. Place is tight. November 30th, Laugh It Up, Poughkeepsie. That's a fun one. Place is tight. November 30th, Laugh It Up, Poughkeepsie. 8th and 9th, Brokerage Comedy Club. Whew.

That's November. Come on. That's just November? Well, yeah. That's two shows. That's not bad. Two weekends. I know.

I got one more weekend. I'm set. Oh, you did October and November. Yeah. That's what's up. All right, bro. No, dude. That's so immature. What? Burping into the mic and November. Yeah. That's what's up. All right, bro. No, dude, that's so immature. Burping into the mic and shit.

I was on my end. I like humor that's highbrow shit. You triggered my burp. Bro, sitting around and talking about pussy and burping and talking about how... Dude, you led me to an episode of you just shitting on women. I just had to sit here and be like, oh, here you go. True. Just knock it off, dude.

You called them dog brains? Did not. Nat said women have dog brains. I'm level three, dog brains i'm level three bro i'm level three you know my game i know you're fucking gay dude you have you have throughout the length of this podcast gone from like level one and two where like i would start fucking with you and you'd be like no i'm not racist like i would get you sometimes and then now it's fully just like please level three dude please Shane Shane level three what you're doing is immature alright

let's roll baby God bless beautiful