Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Woodman's Oral Presentations

Episode Date: January 14, 2020

Chris Wood ponies up to the table and displays his crafts for the DAWGZ who are very pleased with his efforts.  here's his podcast if you're into him and want to check it out https://podcasts.apple.com/bs/podcast/oral-presentations/id1490806721

The world's going to hear it. You're not going to fix it. We're live, dude, with Chris Wood. Wow. Chris Wood from Oral Presentations Podcast. Hello. Thank you for having me. Quickly my newest favorite, dude.

Dude, me too. What really helped was Brennan Crick's synopsis of it on Twitter. He retweeted an episode. It was like, you ever want to hear a guy with one of the harshest Philly accents ever just try to discuss historical events? Yeah, dude. That's it. I saw that, and that came out of nowhere, too.

I mean, we all lived together with Crick or whatever. I didn't know where, you know, because that ended a certain kind of way. That ended weird. I was a lot of hand. It's your mortal enemy. No, not anymore.

You know? I saw him in Philly like a year before that and then we were supposed to get coffee, but then it just fell apart. You and Crick getting coffee. Fucking stunning on him, bro.

I didn't mean to. And then that tweet came out of nowhere. I was like, this is so nice. All right. Well, it is funny. It is funny. It just fell apart. You and Crick getting coffee. Fucking stunning, bro. I didn't mean to. And then that tweet came out of nowhere. I was like, this is so nice. All right. Well, it is funny. It is funny.

It's a great podcast. How's the Barn Dogs? I never fucked with the Barn Dogs podcast. Barn Dogs is good. Barn Dogs, I know he's the man. Yeah.

I haven't fucked with his podcast. Him and Nick Oldershaw are out there. Gotcha. Out in L.A. balling out. Barn Dogs is a fucking man.

Writing for the Hard Times. That's what's up. Shout out Hard Times. Hard Times. Sorry for accusing you guys of stealing jokes. Oh, yeah. I heard that. Yeah yeah i feel bad about that well i wasn't actually like seriously accusing them i remember just being like i just like talking shit it was funny because i was i was getting on a train to go to a show and i looked at my fucking twitter the like the guy

that owns hard times like publicly just butt fucked me and I just looked at my phone and I was like whatever this is just every single day I don't care and then I like he like talked some shit yeah I'll take it back

and then I like I was like what the fuck's he upset I was like oh yeah yeah we did talk shit for no reason I'll give him that

he got it yeah I like DM'd I was like for real my bad dude like I know people oh nice yeah

oh yeah well I was wrong there well someone DMed him. I was like, for real, my bad, dude. Like, I know people. How nice. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, I was wrong there. Well, someone just showed it. I was like, yeah. Well, I like saw it, and I was like, clearly, I was like, wow, joke thievery. And then, like, I saw the tweet with, like, four other people who had said the same exact thing within, like, a three-year span. I was like, ah.

I think, yeah. And I think they're very hypersensitive to that. I was about to say. Because of the onion. True. It's like,. I was about to say. Because of The Onion. True. Like, you know. Oh, because. Because The Onion.

They're also just made up. Like a fake, funny news source. Like a funny, fictional news source. Yeah. Yeah, it's one of those things you see. They get like a little sensitive if you. They might trade writers, too. I mean, if you're somebody who's writing for a one.

Sorry, guys. Some good analysis coming in here. Let me tell you about how show business works. I just started a podcast. It's been about a month. I got locked down. They're Burger King. Like Mickey D's is the onion.

They're Burger King. Yeah, they're sick-ass Burger King. People like the BK. I like the Flame Broiler Whopper. There's nothing wrong with it. BK Broiler. Also, writing funny news is hardly, you know, maybe the onion started it. I'm sure there's other people

yeah come on I text you I got called in a drive-thru a fast food drive-thru and I text you the next day I was like I can never do this shit

yeah ever again and alright so like I did a show and I drove a couple comics up whatever it was fine right we all do sets

whatever I drove up right I'm sick this is during Princess Diana time I think I might text you about it too yeah and like they were like do you want to hang out like i don't drink anymore it's like no i don't really want to hang out let's go you know come on yeah and on the way home and i like i

like this guy like both dudes but like the one dude was like can we stop at like mcdonald's and like i'm driving who was it i don't want to talk about it i don't want names he has to go to mcdonald's yeah anyway so we go to mcdonald's keep the names out of your mouth so you know he little he he little kidded you yeah no yeah i'm like his son now so i'm driving him through no you're the dad you're the dad he's begging for mcdonald's you're begging for mickey d's you're daddy i get it he was controlling me though i wanted to go home so i was i had a dark time in that fucking drive through like i couldn't true it's kind of dick to be like yeah i was like yeah let's just turn in. And as I whipped the Honda Fit in there, I was like, fucking, it took forever.

People were asking questions in front of me in the drive-thru. I'm like, you deserve to be here, dude. You're here with the people who ask questions in a drive-thru now. This is where the fuck you are. I text you the next day. I was like, dude, I gotta get going. What'd he get? I don't remember.

Hamburgers or some shit. And then extra fries. I would have denied it. I would have been like, no. I'm not going to let my friend eat that junk. I wish. I thought I was that guy who could do that. And I was just like, nope, we're turning.

Sounds good. Nah, I get it. If you're driving other comics to a show and somebody's like, hey, can we stop? It's nuts to say no. It'd be so funny. You'd be like, there? Nah, you guys can't eat that junk. Don't get me wrong.

When me and O'Connor are going somewhere, I delight in saying no to any of his ideas. Yes. Like, hey, can we stop there? I'm like, Christopher. No, he's a full dad. That's like banter, you know? I forgot to bring this up on the regular cast. What?

Me and him drove up to Buffalo this weekend. He was fucking flying the whole time. And he never saw a cop on the side of the road like every cop that we pass i'd have to be like cop there's a cop up here you know like the whole time i was like how am i the only one spotting these cops he's like i'm fine he's like i'm not speeding like don't even worry instead of just being like oh yeah my bad i can't yeah i'm not paying attention to the side of the road he's like i'm not speeding like that's why i'm not slowing down i'm like dude you're going to 80 in a 65 like they're gonna get you he's a connecticut boy he's he's telling you

like i drive these roads yeah he's going 80 in a 65 and he was like so then i was like dude you're definitely speeding and he was like i think my speedometer is off about eight miles per hour and i was like just admit you're speaking. This is crazy. He was serious about that? He was serious. He was going to go automotive knowledge on you. Did he lift his hand off the steering wheel and be like,

I'm off by about eight miles per hour? And it was also funny because he was like, I leaned to look at the speedometer and he was like, well, you're at a bad angle. And then we both realized they're designed, you know how they're elevated? So it's actually elevated so the passenger can see what the exact speed is at that angle. Was that the BMW?

Yeah. You guys were having conversations about the mechanics of the speedometer? You're just speeding. Just say you're speeding. Don't just be like, no, I'm not. And then be like, the speedometer is off 8 miles an hour plus the angular

plus the angular like you're just missing this thing entirely and then we get to plus you can feel when you're going fast in a car

yeah I mean I could no we're also I'm sitting next to him like I can see the angle isn't ridiculous like I can see the speedometer we're just doing him

yeah oh that's hell for him and the radio is broke so all we're doing we're just fighting for 6 hours that's hell for him. And the radio's broke, so all we're doing, we're just fighting for six hours. That's every car ride. And then we pass a fucking speed limit sign that has a radar on it.

And I was like, checking his speedometer, looking at the radar. Oh, God. And I was like, 47, dude, I knew you were fucking, I knew you were lying about that speedometer. He's like, you're off, you're wrong about, like, he kept denying. Then finally, he speeds past another cop. I checked his speed while he was speeding past the cop. He got pulled over. And I was like, when you passed him, you were at 81, bro.

Let's see what this fucker gives you. Comes back, gave him 79, which was generous. He saved him out from the 80s. Yeah. But it was like, dude, he gave you exact, like... How was his roadside manner with the officer? Good question. What do you think?

How do you think Chris handles his law enforcement? Probably a little disrespectful. A little disrespectful. Was he kind of being like, what the fuck, man? Were you there to be like, Chris, have some respect for the officer? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The whole time. I knew it.

I fucking knew it. Oh, my God. Of course you know as soon as the cop walked away, I was like, is that how you talk to people, dude? That's crazy. Were you there to tell the cop, like, oh, sorry about my friend? No, I didn't give him. You didn't go that hard? But I was laughing.

Because that's like, you get a ticket. That's when the fun stops. Yeah. I was in a car one time with a guy, and I was like, dude dude make a left up here miss all this traffic he's like i don't think i left like make a fucking left he got pulled over and i was like sorry yeah i know you're not where they never fucking pull people over but no on that i was like we didn't talk the rest of the day i was like i'll split it i'll split the ticket with you yeah because i was in there but uh do you take it the what did he take your split or second no he there wasn't a price on the ticket for how much it was worth i think you got to plead guilty for them to damn yeah i was like i'd just be more

upset about the fucking paperwork you have to do now yeah he was like if you if you he's the guy the cop was like you can you can say not guilty that'll help he's like they'll knock it down they're not gonna to do anything. He was hooking them up. State Trooper, too. State Trooper dropped it from over 80, dropped it down to 79, so it wasn't as harsh a ticket. Yeah. And Akani's still like, here's my fucking registration.

He was disrespectful to the first responders? He's a petulant child. Damn. No, he was fine. Yeah, of course. I'm honestly... He was slightly... I'm peeved. He was disrespectful to the first responders? He's a petulant child. Damn. No, he was fine. Yeah, of course. Honestly, I'm peeved. He was slightly. But the one time I got pulled over, I was very disrespectful.

Oh, yeah, and you saw me when we got pulled over by that one. I was laughing at his face the whole time. Well, that was different. I was just howling, laughing at this guy. We were ped-stopped. Yeah. We were profiled. We got caught jaywalking in South Carolina.

Shane got caught jay-stopped. Yeah. We were profiled. We got caught jaywalking in South Carolina. Shane got caught jayrunning across the highway. We had just smoked weed. Was this on that southern run a couple years ago? Yeah, yeah. We smoked weed out of this ridiculously elaborate bowl that I brought. This thing was like nine inches long. It was humongous. And he ran across the street.

And, of course, the car that was not even that close. Just me? I didn't run. I was on the other side. Oh, that's right. I didn't join you. That's right. I was like, this thing has some distance.

Yeah. I can go. I think I was a little slower. And that thing fucking came up hot. The car? Yeah, it was a cop. It was a young cop. He was flying.

So he flew up on Shane. You did have the room. Yeah. But it just happened to be a cop who saw someone jaywalking and sped towards the person and it was very late at night really late and you were like in hoodies running around we're high so then like and we were high and i i'm already very paranoid and i saw that fucker circle around and i was just like oh dude and then i just walked across the street like i guess i'm in trouble too now so i walked over there and was like hey he's like get up move your pockets I was like here I have a bowl you can you like put it on the hood of the car oh man and Shane kept fucking

laughing in this guy's fit like the guy would turn around and Shane would be like I was like what every time he looked like dude this cops such a fucking so stoned there was a cop and I'm like, Shane, stop. Shane, stop. Dude, why? He's going to give us a ticket anyway. Who gives a fuck?

This guy's a fucking pussy. I thought we could get out of the ticket. I was like, stop, dude. I think we can get out of this. Dude, he kept laughing at this guy. Then finally,

the older cop showed up. Yeah, another cop showed up. A different cop pulled up and was just like, oh, you got him for jaywalking? Nice, dude. And he started laughing.

He started laughing. This cop was like, all right, I'm going gonna let you guys go I had to like ask a 24 year old like can I have my bowl back also that 24 year old was like get to bed yeah I was like an order he was like you guys get to then we lingered around hit we were like just we're like he told us to walk straight back to go to bed sneak and go to get some sweet treats.

We snuck out to get gummy worms. Yeah, dude. We secret Scottied against the order of the law. The law tried to prevent us from Scottying. We wrote Scotty probation.

Oh, man. That's funny. O'Connor drives a little fast, too. Do you know when we all went to Notre Dame that time, we banned six from driving. Why? Yeah, it's a sore sore spot i almost didn't talk about

this yeah we've never talked about it really yeah he got pissed in the car it was dude we were driving back in like jumanji rain no no yeah we just told him to stop me and kyle were like we're gonna fucking die dude he was going like 90 he's a speeder 95 not a big deal i love not a big deal in the honda fit in a fucking torrential downpour. And like country roads, but they're still windy, dude. Yeah. Yeah. You guys both are like, dude, stop.

Pull over. There was a mutiny. There was a mutiny. There was a mutiny. Against Captain Beezer. There was a couple eye contacts. You were down in the hold, whispering, whispering at night. Like, we gotta take control of this shit.

And then we're like, rest stop in Ohio. Let's just rest stop and then like i was like i'll drive i'll take over don't worry about it it was like a sore yeah that was a mutiny against captain huger dude his leg was shaking going 150 dude he didn't want to admit it it's a small car though man it's like a mario car yeah dude that's uh and that's funny because Kyla is a fucking nightmare she drives exactly like every Philly person that's like

she's so much better gets on every single person's ass every single fucking lay on the horn on people's ass like dude I've driven up to

New York with her while she's driving just like just gripping the fucking that's something I'm working on with Brittany

where I'm like you know your whole you don't have to be in like a series of confrontational events while it's just like a non-stop being like what the fuck's this why the fuck would they do it's like you're in their way you're the person behind you saying the same thing about you you're all in each other's way everybody wants to get where they're going just stop and that's how you end up with a princess die situation which leads us to the wood man. What would you like to know?

To the wood pile. Wood pile. The first episode. You're the wood pile. No, don't tell him. Sorry. You're the wood pile. If it's about, what is that?

You're the wood pile. I don't know. His haircut. You can't call him the wood pile. I know, exactly. If this is internet jargon, don't fucking tell me at all. Whatever's going on. Look, just refer to yourself and your fans as the woodpile.

That's fine. That's useful. If you listen to oral presentations, you're part of the woodpile. Lifetime learners. That's what I'll say about those guys. That's true. They learn the doctrine. Low-pressure learning, dude.

Fuck, I have no idea what that means. You'll find out. And you fit the bill, my friend. Okay, that's fine. Your podcast does rule. I was painting my third floor, and it was like, you put them on, it's like 40 minutes.

Tell them what the wood pile is. The wood pile, this is the Wes Watson sweatshirt my brother bought me. The wood pile is like a white prison group. The woods are called the pecker woods so they're like not part of the arian brotherhood but they're like a lesser they're like a smaller they're like a smaller car oh boy yeah the honda fits are the white supremacists but but yo i mean every fucking prison gang is supreme they're very racially oriented so just so happens you and your fans

um if we were to let you go and you were to start calling you guys as the woodpile you guys would be affiliated with the fucking arian brotherhood spin-off oh god so that's why we told you we're not gonna let you um no his fans are definitely i mean everybody that comes from this podcast are gonna call themselves the woodpile for sure i don't know which is not good we don't need any more of this association here's what i will say so you guys funny you guys got me out on the ponzi episode right you guys retweeted that right and so when you guys did that i knew the next topic was princess diana and i knew that like all right man you gotta sell them on this dude yeah the dogs come over like you can't abandon

ship on this topic like we already had this pick so like make princess diana that was a great episode i liked it it's my favorite one weird as shit my favorite episode the first one was so dude the story of the the first one is about the 1904 olympics water polo give us a summary of we're gonna walk through each episode quick summary flash summary that you already have out okay all right episode one episode one 1904 olympics uh it's just a complete clusterfuck and i wanted a topic that like i know i could make interesting uh so i picked that one because it ends in a marathon race dude and it ends with a cuban mailman who fucking dude bro he fucking crowdsourced his way into the olympics he has no money right so he told all of cuba like i'm gonna run around cuba give me some

money and they're like we love you right so he takes all this fucking loot he's poor as fuck his whole life. He goes to St. Louis and just blacks out for a week, dude. He gets there, he's not training. He's fucking blacking out and gambling, dude. He was their runner? Yeah, he was from Cuba. They were like, go for it.

And there's no camera, so he just gets to St. Louis like, yo, fuck all this, dude. He blacks out. He wakes up from a blackout. He hasn't eaten for two days, but he's like, fuck, I got to run this thing. The whole nation expects me to't have he doesn't have athletic gear so he just he's wearing like a suit he's wearing his dress pants and he's like been with

hookers with it he's been a mess he just gets scissors cuts his dress pants fucking runs it he's got no food he begs food off people during the race dude that's why he was he had no money ran out of money so he was literally asking he was begging for food during the olympic marathon race just awful cars waving people down like yo can i get some peaches he's gonna fall like he has to stop and take a nap at one point because he eats apples off a tree and they make him sick he climbed up an apple orchard tree and ate the in the race the race is happening he's like yo apple tree time he fueled up he's fueled up but it made him sick so he had to go he goes to sleep he's unconscious during the olympic event wakes up from a fucking nap and then trots into the stadium

gets fourth place what fourth dude out of like 15 32 started a lot of people were just like fuck it there was a kid who uh when i did track in grade school 32 started. A lot of people were just like, fuck it. Everyone quit. A lot of people didn't finish, dude. Everyone quit. A lot of people were like part-timers. There was a kid who, when I did track in grade school, this dude, it was pretty fucking weird, but his mom would give him money for like, you'd hit the snack bar. The track meets are like nine hours long. So his mom would give him like $4.25 to like get his, basically to eat apples during like the meet.

And this dude would not trust anyone around his money, so he would run the $800 with $4 a quarter in his pocket. And you would see his pocket just fucking swinging as he ran. He'd have one hand on all of his quarters and he would slowly run the $800. He was a hedgehog, dude. He was Sonic. He was. He would fucking

hold all of his money and everyone was like, what the fuck? And you would see his... You know when you have a sweatshirt or gym shorts? If you you have something heavy enough your pocket just drops out the bottom of your thing he just had like a thing of quarters knocking his knee as he jogged this guy so this dude made fourth place dude my my sisters ran cross country and they both they were on the same team and one event like went through like some trees and they were like next to each other running and then when they got in the trees they got into a fist fight with each other and fought their way out of the trees like in front of people parents were watching and

these two girls came out of the trees like i want to know i want to run cross country just so i can cheat like an 80s bad guy yeah well the guy in the 1904 olympics cheated he got in a car second place dude technically he gave up he gave up he fucking he was i think he was from new york he brought a buddy down there and they had a hard time finding st louis nobody knew where the fuck st louis was supposed to be in chicago so like he's running and like he gives up after like nine miles he's like yeah dude fuck it i'm getting the car so they drive around he like apologizes and then they're at the stadium like all right well i guess i'll finish it up but like nobody

knows he got in a car so he goes in the stadium people are like oh fuck dude first place oh like they give him the gold medal and like only at the fucking ceremony of the like the president's daughter is gonna put a wreath on him on the o podium. And he leans in. He's like, yeah, I fucking cheated. My bad. I got in the car. So they gave him second place. They gave him second. Which that sucks.

I was listening to it and I was bummed out. Because technically the Cuban should have got a medal. Dude, that would have been. He should have got bronze. He should have got third. That's a good point. He could have gone back with a medal. So he tortoised this thing.

He tortoised the hair. The hair was out partying. The hair to the car. Well, the tortoise really tortoise this he tortoise the hair dude the hair was out partying the hair tortoise really tortoise i love the redemption so much he gets to go back and tell him like yeah i had special running pants on from america they weren't my dress pants i'm fine and then the 1904 olympics also had a horse yeah that was my favorite that's my favorite episode too it was so weird when i found it so the guy who put on the olympics doesn't fucking know about sports he was just like a shitty booker so the first thing he booked was this psychic horse that could speak english named jim key because that dude was doing like arena gigs in 1904 so they booked him and then that's what episode two is is like how the fuck because i judged it in episode one i was like they're definitely just beating the fuck out of

that thing it was like animal abuse yeah then episode two i was like how they actually do that and that that's the story in episode two where it's just this black dude who made a bunch of money in the civil war fucking he got called for treason just won a bunch of money off the guards in the prison in the north so they didn't kill him they liked him a lot yeah he buys like a horse disneyland breeds a fucking horse and then just hangs out with it for nine years until it kind of like learns just through trial and error how to answer questions and he doesn't even know why it works but eventually he's just like all right i'm gonna go sell opium liniment i'm gonna bring this horse and so he just does live gigs and his merch is

opium makes a ton of heroin and trick the entire country he tricked like harvard scientist based yeah yeah they brought in sixth graders at the 1904 olympics he ties with sixth graders everybody loses their mind 1904 olympics must have been so fun. Also, we forgot to mention it was seven months. Yeah, it was seven months old. That's how long the games were. Were they really? He was just making shit up. He didn't know anything

about the sport. He was like, all right, we're going to do shows for seven months. Dude, nice. He was making up events. They had like a toggle war. Also, you referred to it

as the FYE Festival the entire time. Yeah, there's going to be some mistakes in this podcast. Heads up. Now, I want you to know I gave you the benefit of the doubt. I didn't even know

you were trying to say fire festival. Right? I thought I was like, FYE, isn't that like an electronics store? Because he was kind of having like a world fair with new inventions.

Yep. So he was like, this FYE festival. I was like, all right, it makes sense. That is... I think Beezer fact-checked it. Beezer,

the fucking, the captain got his revenge. Beezer was like fucking idiot doesn't even know it's a fire festival Captain Behab dude I found that

right before right before it was gonna go out I found it I told Mishuli he was like he's gonna get a wooden tooth

Mishuli told me right beforehand I was like fuck it dude just let it run yeah it's great what it's the best man 30 minutes you listen to it every single time i'm quick to ditch a

fucking podcast where i'm just kind of like all right i'm i because i like to like listen i don't even like our podcasts anymore i barely listen to it yeah honestly i like listen to four minutes love this podcast but uh so like so when i do them like i that's the thing is if i was going to make a fucking podcast like it's got to be worth something like it's got to be there gotta be value to it so the way i i try to think about it when i decided to do it is that like i'm leaving a long voicemail for four specific people that are my friends in my life so if i was gonna leave them a voicemail that's like 30 minutes long about some weird shit what would like entertain them and also make them not make fun of me too much but seriously they

would enjoy it yeah yeah so it's like like you gotta watch out for that that guy that ended up getting us in trouble because we were like hey it's just our friends listening to this let's talk shit on everyone true

you toe the line pretty well I try to but I listen to it you just not even toe the line you just do your thing we but the Apollo 8 we went out

we went out to deep space we went out swinging yeah hilarious that's Lewis and Clark shit true we just went out we deep space. We went out swinging. Yeah. We were hilarious. That's Lewis and Clark shit, bro. True. We just went out. We're finding the coast.

Now we're bringing the boys out to California. Yeah, we were pretty much like... Welcome to California, Woods. That's what I'm saying. We can say whatever we want on a podcast. What's the worst thing that could happen? Nothing bad's going to happen. It is impressive how crazy that spiraled, though.

Oh, dude. The funniest part being the thought that we were in full control. Like, dude, it's the internet. We can just delete any of this stuff before any of this ever happens. And, like, Shane's like, delete it. I was like, I don't know fucking how. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then it got to the point where it was like, delete it all. And then it was like, you know what? Fuck it. We can't. There's too much out there. You can't do it just for history's sake. Yeah.

That's why the dog's going to be happy, dude. You start giving him a little throwback Thursday. Yeah, you're going to start throwing some throwback Thursdays. So we're just going to start. We're going to put the Old Testament up every Thursday on the page. Chuck, yeah. Chuck will show. It's a new episode.

Just a classic ep on the Thursdays. That's huge. Yeah, that'll be fun. Those are really funny episodes. Yeah, there's some. Like, I know you do, but I would still listen to it. No, whenever I hear any Old Testament episode, first off, I'm just like, holy shit, dude. We were wild.

Dude, you guys went swinging. Yeah. There was a guy after a show in Buffalo was getting in his Uber, and when he was leaving, I was out front, and he was like, hi, I'm Dallas. I was like, damn. I gotta remember the Dallas story.

That was like week three. Yeah, man. That was funny as fuck. Dallas story rules. Do you guys know which ones you're gonna release? I have my personal favorites that I know of. Yeah, we're going to do that. We're going to have people suggest what their best episodes are.

Okay. Start dropping the gems. Because there's some good laughs in there, dude. I liked the Ponzi scheme episode where there was a little reflection there where I noticed that you're like this guy's just a piece of shit dude stealing all the cups.

Yeah. And I was like I remember those days. Yeah. Woodman the woodman lived with us and has the unique distinction

of probably being the worst roommate I ever had. Oh. As not as a person as a person you're great. There we go.

But every once in a while being like alright we right, we're out of fucking bowls. Bad cutlery partner. That was really the only thing. That was the only downside. There were a couple other ones I could bring up, definitely. That was the only one I was ever affected by. I was pretty legit.

Yeah. I remember Shane brought a sack of silverware. Oh, my grandma. His grandma. It was like, dude, this biggest bag. I'm like, dude, we're never going to run out of forks. And like six months later. That was grandma's silverware? Yeah, that was my grandma his grandma it was like dude this biggest bag i'm like dude we're never gonna run out of forks and like six months later yeah that was my grandma she just died anyway it's something i'm glad they're in the trash can at the garage you work

well i remember i remember i remember distinctly being like we're never gonna run out of silverware then all of a sudden i remember one day there's four forks left and i'm like remember like really thinking like how the fuck how is that possible i used to do it when i was in during my first marriage i used to bring tupperware and silver the same thing and being like you have so much silverware if i throw out one i did the same thing to my ex-wife so i remember thinking like somebody's going to work and throwing this shit out because i did the same exact thing when i was working and i was like somebody's bringing food to work you know i was just snorlaxing on that couch exactly it wasn't me oh the detective mission i wasn't leaving the house i was like beezer doesn't really eat he's just not he only eats out yeah i think only plastic utensils touch his lips. I remember driving my car to work after it was brought up.

They're like, do you take that shit to work? And I was like, nah, nah. And then I remember driving and looking down like the Panthers high wheel well and just seeing silverware. How do I get you back into the house? Where do I put you? All you had to do was just buy like six forks. That plan didn't even occur to me. I know. When I was living there to do was just buy like six forks and just. That plan didn't even occur to me.

I know. When I was living there, it was just like. It was different. That was a dark period. Priorities were so different because the lamps were so hard. That was a dark period, dude. And it was just, yeah, but like the highs. It's a fun period. It was fun.

It was fun. Just any sort of real priorities just fell by the way. It's like, yeah, fuck forks, dude. I'm going to play an adult. Dude, I came out of a marriage and then hit like a five dude comic house and it was like holy

and you might have been the most responsible in that house I didn't even think about that yeah I'd go to bed at like 3am and be like these guys are out of control yeah

I remember thinking like man McCusker really has his stuff together I gotta tell you dude I came out of a marriage slept on an air mattress in my brother's house brought in my 30th birthday there

and then was like you guys wanna get a place together and we're like fuck yeah and i was in this house being like this is fucking nuts it was so fun at first it was like sleepover every night oh it was unbelievable games oh it's so fun first six months and then that should be what a retirement home is yeah that's i would work towards that to one day be able to fully be like all right we're done what are we doing now fucking playing call of duty be able to fully be like, all right, we're done. What are we doing now? Fucking playing Call of Duty motorcycle game. Yeah. And be like, that's it. That's all I got to do.

Then I'm going to die. That would be so fucking fun. Come back, laugh more. Yeah, that was fun. Video games in retirement. Once the geezers die and you're in a retirement home and they give you the video games, dude. Dude, November.

That's fucking it, dude. I mean, now I got to start working out. I got something to live for. I got it. Because right now I'm not making a retirement home. True. Well, I think, you know, I'm telling you, I think you'll make it. Why do you think not?

First off, my bae is going to be 20 years younger than me. Okay. So that'll help. She'll, she's going to have to tend to me. Okay. She'll probably bail. Nah, she'll tend. I don't know.

There'll be a young bae. She's going to bail. And I'll be stuck. Nah, you'll get, you'll get a character. I'll be like the aviator. Nah, she'll tend. I don't know. There'll be a young bae. She's going to bail. And I'll be stuck. Nah, you'll get a character. I'll be like the aviator, just pissing in jars in the fucking room. But, no, I just remember every once in a while, like, while Wood was at work, I'd look around and be like, where the fuck are all the, like, plates and silverware? And then I'd just walk up to his room which I never went

to his room because it was the top floor never went up there went up there and it was just like a plate with like mustard

like a bowl of fucking ketchup this was fossilized mustard it was crazy all priorities were wrong I understand and I'm not knocking it it was too funny

no I loved all of the time it's so funny I truly acknowledge like holy fuck man my shit was all everyone in that house his shit was fucked up. Yes. And then November, I had a buddy pass away or whatever,

and that sucked or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Privately, like, that was, like, I had to stop checking myself completely. Yeah. I don't even realize I was doing that all the time. Of course. That's how being depressed works.

You don't know you're depressed. Yeah, that's true. Oh, man, those first six months, dude. Bots. I was on that. Oh, my God. first six months, dude. Bots. Oh, that shit. Oh, my God. Fuck. I remember the one night laying awake.

I was, like, stoned before going to work with Spud. And I'm watching Jordan Peterson YouTubes. I was watching the fucking, uh, the one where they do Pinocchio. And they go to Pleasure Island. And all the little boys are, like, playing around. They slowly turn into donkeys and have to go, like, be beasts of burden. I was upstairs. And I was just, like, oh, my God.

I hear I just hear people stomping. Literally, as I'm watching the donkeys kick, people are stomping the floor. And I was in my bed stone is like, oh, fuck, fuck, because I've done beasts of burden work. And I was like, oh, shit. Yeah, we were on the fast path to fucking just hard labor. Dude, yeah. It was so fucking funny. That's not how you ended up.

You're not done yet. No, I'm not done. No, but like for a minute there, things got dark. You were working on cars. I was still bad at it. I was in a garage during that. I wasn't working in the garage,

but yes. I remember that. That was a real piece of burning shit where you got to deal with people. Just like you popped, the tires you gotta deal with people just like you've popped the tires popped already and it's just like

I don't fucking care I'll do whatever I can to help you just walk in the back and fight some fucking foreigner about the car that was a funny thing

about we were talking about Gerby's about how and I used to always be like oh man stand up's not even real work like I'm doing

I paint houses this is hard work and then like now that I think about it, dude, the fucking anxiety of knowing I'm going to have a show. It's, dude, my whole weekend, I'm just like, fuck, fuck. To go somewhere, wrap your day up by three, and be like, all right, I can just go do whatever I want.

Pretty fucking nice. Of course, the wear on the... Although the wear on the shell, in terms of fucking using your body all day, stand-up, you're up late at night. Also, party lifestyle. You're not really recovering a whole lot. True. You're still going hard.

Yeah, that's tough. Yeah, I remember as I got older, I was like, yeah, this is fucking kind of hard. I was like, this is hard in a weird way. When you do a hard physical day, you get done. You're kind of tired. It feels good. It does, unless you do it for 40 kind of tired. You're like, ah. It feels good. It does, unless you do it for 40 years and like your whole body wasn't shut down.

It feels bad. I think stand-up, dude, a lot of 40 in the 40th year of stand-up, you either get like weird kind of gay healthy or like, or you're just kind of just like hurt. Yeah. I mean, that's why. I'm making extreme.

I'm making extreme. No, but stand-up's also. I'm trying to get gay healthy anytime you you put yourself out there versus just working there is definitely a level of fucking anxiety and stress that comes with all of your shit depends on you yeah yes that's hard yeah i'm not saying it's harder than working no but it is hard as far as mentally i would say it's taxing mentally it also looks easy if you're good at it it's like owning your own business it's like owning your own businesses i'm sure similar i bet owning your own business is just hell it's hard as far as stress yeah as a as

an entrepreneur i can tell you yeah it's fucking i'm also worried like what's it do to your brain like if we're just like animals like what's it do to your brain that like you get on stage every night for like, nine years, and your self-worth is dependent upon that? Unless you really think about it. You are having a very high-stress thing for a certain amount of time for a small window, and then not. That's a weird thing to do to a person for nine years. I think what happens, at least what I'm experiencing for sure, is the level of stress has dropped a lot as far as getting on stage like i'm not like nervous there's not like a level of i mean there's

definitely a fucking you get adrenaline from doing stand-up but it's not like it used to be where i'd be like oh fuck i have a spot tonight like oh like i'm like nervous for a spot now it's just like oh fuck i gotta go do this spot yeah like it is work now as far as going to do a show interesting doing multiple hour sets. That's physically demanding. That's physically demanding. That literally is like now I just started headlining. So like on weekends, when you have two shows, that sucks.

Dude, doing two back-to-back like hour-long shows, that legitimately tires you out. Yeah. Just on like a neurological level of all of your like weird. Yeah, it tires you out. Dude, when I was doing stand-up when i was like younger doing it like real hard for a year and then i remember i stopped when i got married the first time the uh i'm saying that the i remember at 8 p.m i would get an adrenaline dump i'd be sitting there and be like whoa what the fuck is that and it would my body was trained to release adrenaline at that time.

Then I remember after three months it went away. Yeah. It was weird. So your body syncs up. You're ready to roll. Yeah, I'm kind of concerned about it. Not concerned in a negative way, just in a curious way of like, what the fuck? There's no way to judge what I'd be if I never did stand up before, but what has it done to me?

Well, I mean. Especially with all the research for oral presentations, because i'm taking it seriously yeah i like doing it but i also like know that i'm shoving a bunch of shit into my head and then trying to find like connections to it and stuff and really look at it and then the next week i don't think about it at all yeah just learn you're learning i know it's been a while it's been a while there's all this knowledge doing to my brain yeah i'll be fine You'll be fine. You'll be fine. I'll hear myself talking about Princess Diana to some person and then see myself from a

third person like, why are you talking about Princess Diana in the real world right now? No, that's good. I hear what you're saying. You just have more shit in your brain. No, it's good, dude. Your brain can take it. I think with stand-up, another weird thing that happens, and you notice it when you start, and then it just becomes the way you think.

You think in bits. Oh, God, yes. Where you start thinking, how can I make this a bit? How is this a joke? Yeah. And then, I don't know, either it just is there and you don't notice anymore, or you grow out of it. Yeah. I don't feel that way anymore, but I used to, for sure.

When you're just only obsessed with stand-up, so you're just thinking about it constantly. I used to try to turn my brain off. Yeah, I would do the same thing. I'm like, all right, no more, dude. Turn your brain off. Don't analyze anything. No more bad bit ideas. It's just all day, just a bomb joke

after bomb joke in your head. Yeah, for me, it was also like, who am I with? If I was with a girlfriend at the time, I'm sort of on. Even if I'm really comfortable or whatever, that is happening, which means I'm not present, which means I'm like not. Yeah.

Or something fucked up happens and you're like, yes, it's kind of funny. I think I can work this. And it's just, yeah, I definitely still have that. Yeah.

Yeah. I got that. But that's kind of what got me into standup, like a fucked up thing. And then just being like, how is this funny? Yeah. You've also talked about before where like,

you see like when shit happens, your filters are like different sometimes to other people. Just like how you look at things from like motive i'm not talking like buddy or brett here or anything no it's just saying that like you already were weird yeah we are for sure but spot always says he's like you guys are losers you know that right yeah exactly for sure yeah i yeah i was at my grandma's funeral and was like trying not to laugh thinking about what was funny about it. Yeah. That's a weird thing.

Watching how other people digest it and then judging that. Yeah, it is kind of strange. Your brain's just kind of bopping around too much. Yeah. So what would you like to know about Princess Diana? So, you know, Ponzi is... Ponzi's great. Ponzi was honestly one of my favorites, too.

Oh, yeah. If we didn't clarify that, the jokes, if you listen to the Ponzi episode Ponzi's great Ponzi was honestly one of my favorites too oh yeah if we didn't clarify that the jokes if you listen to the Ponzi episode oral presentations I'm the guy with the cups if you didn't know yeah

I'm the dude with the cups and why I could like laugh at Ponzi so much is because like I understand being a piece of shit and just like not blaming yourself and just being like

I don't know I'm in Florida now my speedometer's broke yeah exactly my favorite part of that time is that like you could just be such a high level grifter and just move, like, 10 minutes away.

And nobody knew who you were. Dude. And you could just grift away. So much wild shit happens between, like, 1870 and 1930. Yeah. Like, if you look at where everything takes place, like, the 1904 Olympics, Jim Key, all that shit. Like, that's a hub of, like, if you're a grifter, dude, time to get rich, man. Well, here's the thing.

hub of like if you're a grifter dude time to get rich man that was here's here's the thing the reason that history is like that with like from 1870 to 1830 is because that's when people actually started documenting this shit so like it was literally on from the beginning of time until 1930 that people were just like yeah i'd murdered someone in this state i'm just gonna move counties yeah it would move like 30 minutes away and just set up shop. If you didn't make the... That's great. If you didn't like... Forever. I never thought about that.

Yeah. If you didn't make the Bible, nothing existed of what you did. Yeah. Oh, man. Someone drew like a fucking bird on a cave of what you did. Yeah. No one saw it. Yeah.

It's not like that was... I mean, I think there is definitely times in history where people were wiling out. I think we're getting into that right now. So much is changing. We're wiling out right now. But yeah, that's just... As soon as it started getting documented, it's like when people think Florida

is like a particularly crazy state. It's like, no, they just have a law that says if you commit a crime, we can write about it. Oh, do that. So that's why they're always in the news as like a Florida man that commits this crime. It's because other states don't publish it like that. Really?

Yeah, it's like the Sunshine Law. That's why they film cops there. Yeah. But they film cops everywhere. Yeah, but I think it started in Florida. It's like a shame-based punishment. If you get a DUI, some counties throw your fucking picture in the news.

Yeah, if you're caught with hookers and they put your picture in and they tell, like, what kind of car. It's always like a Dodge Stratus. They're like, police have confiscated a Dodge Stratus.

Yeah, and it's, it is weird. And everybody's like, it's a right-to-know law. It's like, you don't have the, you don't have the right-to-know. Yeah. You don't have the right-to-know.

Fuck that. I mean, I guess you can, you can argue, it's like, well, I need to know if that person's a piece of shit it's like well what comes from back then when you're grifting around then they needed it where it's like you better publish these crimes yeah it's like if your neighbor gets a hooker you don't need to know yeah well i should know that it's like it's also like who's reading the newspapers really yeah i saw addy kathy's dude yeah i saw yeah i saw a newsstand today and i was like how the fuck is is this guy? Who the fuck's going to a newsstand?

Let me grab a magazine. That's what I thought. You should have grabbed USA Today. I think your name was in it yesterday. I should have grabbed it. That's hilarious. That's so great. It is.

My family will be like, yeah, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went to a baby shower. I went to my baby shower this weekend and her cousins on her dad's side were like, I saw you in the news and i was like good news i hope right and she was like not really there was like oh man that's crazy and i

was like yeah yeah i was like yeah all right well thanks for coming guys appreciate you here yeah now what's really funny because it used to be like people would be like oh what's your podcast what's your podcast called and i'd be like don't look it up. It's okay. It's probably not for you. Yeah. And then now it's like, oh, you do stand up? Let me Google you.

And I'm like, no, don't do that. The first article is going to be like CNN, like racist piece of shit. I couldn't believe when that came out in CNN, dude, that blew my universe apart.

Yeah, that was funny. And it's still with me. Like when that Iran thing happened a couple of days ago, and the missiles reports, I looked it up. But my head was like, yeah, but this is the same place to put Shane next to fucking Harvey Weinstein and R. Kelly. So in my head, I was like, I don't know what the fuck.

I slept in Jersey that night. I went home. I was like, I don't want to be in a major city. I went home and ate breakfast sausage. I was like, this is my Armageddon plan, dude. You left. You grabbed the bug out bag. Yeah, I just left and ate.

I microwaved a box of sausage and ate it. I was like, I'm embarrassed. This is what I would do if it was the end of the world, but fuck it. Yeah. Who the fuck was I talking to? You're still eating too much sausage? Ah, oh yeah. Yo.

You remember in that house when we called Pico for a gas leak? That was a bad thing I did. I'd like to say sorry for. Wood left chicken out for like way too long so I'm like in the fridge it smelled it did smell exactly like a gas leak because I was just like he pulled it out to cook it I'm like smelling behind the stove I'm like yeah it smells right here because the chicken was right there oh my god I forgot another one move the chicken he moved the chicken I'm like yo it's over here now and finally I'm like wood how old's that fucking

chicken dude and he was like a couple weeks is that bad i'm like what the fucking chicken smell the chicken he's like oh it smells pretty bad he was on the phone i was like in my head i was like thank god he's taking care of it dude he's so responsible and then we found out i was like i don't know if it's a chicken dude one time i went into the kitchen, opened the fridge, and there was just dirty plates. No food on them. He literally ate leftovers and put the plate back. Ate a meal and put the plates in the fridge. That is like level 12 depression.

It was wild. Because I remember being like, what? The fucking dishwasher's right there. And you're like, what's the difference and i was like one washes the dishes the other preserves food that is like level 12 depression stuff where you're just kind of like you guys for putting all of me because at the same time i was stretching upstairs every day to like be able to do a split it's like a personal challenge and talking about it on stage and i remember at helium one night shane was like i mean you like you close i did a set and you went

on after me like yeah chris will i grab it up for him yeah the guy doesn't know how to fucking use And I remember at Helium one night, Shane was like, I did a set and you went on AFM. You're like, yeah, Chris Wood, I'll have it up for him. Yeah, the guy doesn't know how to fucking use a dishwasher. Spends fucking 20 minutes a day stretching to eat pussy. Because I did that bit on stage. It was so funny. Dude, so the thing, back to the Ponzi, the thing that cracked me up was him being an unsuccessful thief. How he's like, basically, you know,

he was a known thief, which means he's a bad thief because he constantly gets caught. So, like, everyone... Oh, yeah. He was, like, stealing, like, church cups and shit. Yeah, he got pinched for church documents. Then he just moved to another town

and be like, hey, let me be in charge. Yeah, his family threw his ass out. Eventually, his family was like, you gotta go, dude. Get the fuck out, man. That shit is so... All of them are good. I got up to princess

diana what's the latest one uh magneto gorse today i didn't listen to that yet heard magneto gorse is good you know gorse is yeah you tossed out a spoiler for magneto gorse in episode one which was it's classic wood yeah he's like he's like you know i don't know if you want to go repeating all this to anybody but you know stuff like magneto gorse, I don't know if you want to go repeating all this to anybody, but, you know, stuff like Magneto Gorsk. They just, I mean, Soviet industrialization was brutal. It just goes back to the 1904 Olympics. Oh, man. Yeah, Magneto Gorsk.

I like that episode. I laugh a lot in that one, though. Yeah, don't tell me about it yet. I want to catch up to it. All right, that's a good one. Yeah, that'll be fun. I like that one. Because I know a little bit about that, what the soviets did during world war ii where they just

were like all right let's just set up factories over here on the on the east a little bit and just just built literally just moved factories yep from away from europe like moved entire it was crazy yeah they uh they just started because the germans were coming. And they were just like, we'll just start manufacturing insane amounts of weapons. Yeah, 100%. And we'll just throw as many people at these factories as we need to. And the place is called Magnitogorsk? Well, in the episode, I have to start because in the King Tut episode, I asked my sister, what do you want to know about the King Tut car?

She was like, I don't even know what the fuck that is. So, like, I try to keep that in mind now. So, I had to start broad of the Russian Revolution, then, like, 10 minutes speed you to Magnitogorsk. Which is, you got to get, the first five-year plan was agricultural collectivization. Because they didn't have any fucking money. So, they got to make, use what they have, make food, sell food. You got to get money. And then, you got to make fucking industrial works.

With, ultimately, we got to make weapons. So there's three five-year plans. Asian empires. Yeah, 100%. But brutal. And I bought the book Beyond the Urals by John Scott. This is the most research I did. And I started by, I thought it was only a 200-page book, so I bought it, and then I started reading it, and then it's like

450, and I was like, fuck me, because you can't back out. You got to read the whole fucking thing. But that's where all the accounts of like I can what's a like Crush the 450 page man. You're 56 dude or 52 one of the two. Damn, dude I was gonna ask you what is your research methods? Well, I know Yeah, what's the evolution? I know look we live with him. I can tell you his research methods What led to all this. Pass out to a YouTube. Laying on a mattress. Fuck yeah.

Loudly blasting YouTube top 10 creepiest historical moments. If it makes you feel better, every girlfriend I've ever had has had to fall asleep to that shit too. When I sleep at a girl's house, dude, laptop's on the bed. Laptop's on the bed and we're watching Warlords, dude. Yeah. That's World War II, Doc. Check it out. It's like three hours long.

It's pretty good. You need that. I'm working on sleep hygiene now. I'm trying. dude yeah that's world war ii doc check it out it's like three hours long it's pretty good you can't you need that you need like uh i know people i'm working on sleep hygiene now i'm trying there's a i'm saying things like working on sleep hygiene there's an app there's a start i use an app on my phone i sleep with an apple watch it tracks my sleep i don't know i thought i was getting i thought i was getting good sleep dude i get trash i don't know if i should do this i'm sorry we'll go what are okay thinking about texting the bees man and telling them to toss some money who do you who i might go off your pick

sure college football national titles in in a half hour who you got can i get some choices tell me who's in it uh south carolina that's always your go-to is it this team actually this this university is in South Carolina. Okay. Not South Carolina, but it's in. Don't look at me. I don't know. So you got one.

That's close. Who did I just see? I was at the gym. I saw somebody playing. I'll give you a hint. Both teams' nicknames is the Tigers. Oh, Clemson? Clemson.

Okay. Okay. All right. Verse. Louisiana Tigers? Yeah, Louisiana State. Whoa. LSU. LSU? Louisiana Tigers? Yeah, Louisiana State. Whoa. LSU.

LSU. I used to have a hoodie. That's pretty good shit. So who you got winning? LSU, baby. LSU. I used to have their hoodie. LSU is favored.

Are they? LSU is favored. Heisman Trophy winning quarterback. They got a fucking... They're favored, I think, like five or... I'm liking LSU. I was going to take Clemson. It just seems so obvious.

Everybody's taking LSU. It reminds me a lot of Clemson-Bama. Clemson played Bama, and everyone was like, Bama's going to kill him. What's the line? It reminds me of that. I think it's five. Five and a half.

Are you going to take it straight up or take the points? I would take Clemson straight up, which is bold. It's bold. You bet the over-under or not? No, I don't know what it is. I would imagine there's a lot of points in this one. Okay. Oh, no, you know what the concept of the over-under is.

LSU is fucking nasty. But I wanted to hear your pick. Your pick's LSU? You're taking the Bayou Bengals. You're taking those Tigers. For sure. You giving away the points? Minus five?

Oh, yeah, no doubt. Yeah, no problem. Big scores. You would be a fan of their coach. Who is he? His name is Orgeron Cocho. He's this dude. He's like the definition of Louisiana.

He's got this deep, insane voice. He's like, go Tigers. He's like the dude from Waterboy. Yeah, absolutely. You've got to bet on that guy. We have a pound out there. We have a pound out there. We have a bound out there. Who was the dude

Gerben was talking about? Who was the director? Sally Aerie. Sally Aerie. I'm surprised Wood doesn't know. Who's that? Wood, how many porn stars

do you think you could name? I'm kind of off it. All right, good. I'm kind of off it. Good. That was one of the patterns we gotta fucking knock it off.

Gotta knock off the pornography. Yeah. I only know like old ones. Good. From like Lisa Ann. Heard that knock off the pornography. Yeah. I only know like old ones. Good. From like Lisa Ann. Heard that. Oh, nice. Nice.

No, that's good. You don't have to. Yeah, we're trying. I was genuinely ashamed that I remembered that porn star's name in the last episode. Shane's a fan of a porn star.

There's a lady that's just... It just never makes me feel good afterwards, so I stopped going on it. It makes me feel so good. Do you like know... You know people in the world? Do you know her?

I know one of them now, but no, not her. You should leak a sex tape, dude. That's the next move for you. Oh, man. That sex tape would be wild. That would be so funny. It would be a crime. Dude, if you leaked a sex tape, that would be the fucking funniest thing.

Is that her? No, this is a girl named Emily Willis I've seen her. Emily Willis, dude. Yeah, she's cute. She gets me going. I'm going to meet her and hang out with her. Are you really? No. Oh.

That's a goal. That's a 2020 goal. People are like, what do you want to do in comedy? Meet Emily Willis? Like, is he going to get, like, a special or something? Dude, I would hold and call field that girl so hard if we were hanging out. It would just be nothing but questions about her life. I would hold and call field that girl.

She would not. There would be no sexual intent, but I would be so curious. What the fuck is your life like? Yeah. There's a lady that did porn that's doing comedy now that I talk to a lot. And I was asking her about the business. What's that like, man? Yeah.

She was like, it's pretty hard. It's pretty tough. But it's pretty grueling, dude. Yeah. What demand? Like, I would ask, like, the demands to keep up with, likeueling, dude. Yeah. What demand? I would ask years. The demands to keep up with interaction and shit? With a podcast, some people might say nice things to you, or mean things in some cases. We're in some cases.

All of the cases. Every review of your podcast. There's not that weird sexual energy. People get murdered over sexual energy, man. That's fucking scary. You're saying our podcast doesn't that weird sexual energy. People get murdered over sexual energy, man. That's fucking scary. You're saying our podcast doesn't have any sexual energy? Our podcast is loaded with sexual energy. I don't think you guys have the numbers of dudes jerking off to you super hard.

I'm sure there's a couple. Why not? That is a weird fandom. Sexual fandom is not where you want to be. But that's the whole world. You've got to know that's a different... To be a widely desired object in terms of people wanting to just come in your butt.

Yeah, where they're like, I'm giving away Hope Diamond facts. You guys know about the curse of Hope Diamond? Hello, what's up? I'll help you get through your workday if you want. If not, I understand. But nobody's jerking off to me. Porn's helping you get through the workday

for a lot of these guys. For the workers and the laborers. But what's the rest of that guy's life look like? You know, if you're watching porn at work, dude. If you're beaten off in a fucking... Your life's a ticking time bomb. I was at a place where a guy got fired for watching porn. It was like the controller of a company.

That's great. They like saw his thing and he got in trouble. Every now and then at like an open mic or... With only my friends, not with comics, I don't know. Like I'll pull porn off on my phone and just be like, yo, have you seen this dude? Or like let them discover me. That you're watching it watching it yeah the last time i went to like a club or like it was a place called box bar like a trendy bar i was just in line with everybody

it's a nice move yeah just to fucking make charles laugh that's hilarious yeah that uh i thought you were about to say every once in a while like an open mic you'll just crack one off i was like damn that's wild. No. You ever do that? It looked like there was something knocking around in there. No. Knocking around

would be a weird thing to do. Jerking off at a... A while ago people used to do sex stuff at the Raven. I don't want to say too much but that's been done quite a bit.

Sex stuff? Yeah, hooking up at a club is socially acceptable. I tried jerking off on an airplane. That's as close as I got. Jerking off is like a solo mission. I think I gave up at a club is socially acceptable. I tried jerking off on an airplane. That's as close as I got. Jerking off is

like a solo tension. I gave up halfway through and was like, I'm disgusted. If I stumbled on somebody,

like two people fucking, it's like, oh, all right, my bad. Sorry about that. I'll keep an eye

out. But if it's like a dude jerking off, I'm like, yo, are you all right, dude? What happens

after this? Yeah. Is this like a, what are you doing, man? That's citizens arrest status. I'm definitely

going to talk to him afterwards if he's smaller than me or the same size. He's bigger than me. What are you going man that's citizens arrest status i'm definitely gonna talk to him afterwards if he's smaller than me or the same size he's bigger than me you're gonna talk about in an open mic scene you'll be all right yeah you okay yeah yeah why are you jerking off in the bathroom yeah i'm tell him i'm not gonna tell anybody well if i were just like murder he's not gonna murder me gather around this imaginary situate we're all like planning on how to intervene with a comedian jerking off alone in a comedy club i just want want to talk to him and make sure he's okay. You ever feed the caller before a show?

I'll jerk off at home before shows. Oh, before a show, for sure. Yeah, 100%. I've gone yes to no on this one based on Chuck Liddell. Oh, yeah, if you have cum in you, you feel you're competing more? Yeah, but Chuck Liddell would fuck right before a fight. He didn't care at all. Yeah, I remember someone told me that. He probably did that before Rampage got him yeah eventually

oh man that's another one you you got me into UFC a lot uh which was that was when I started watching Nate Diaz yeah I yeah I think you sent me the link yeah for the McGregor Diaz first fight that was the first time I really watched Nate Diaz because I was just watching it to watch Conor McGregor. Yeah, yeah. And then I was watching Nate Diaz during the fight. I was like, holy fuck, holy fuck, this guy rules. Yeah, you were the first one on the –

well, you were one of the first, I would say, on the Nate Diaz. I was early on the Nate Diaz train on that. Everyone was Team McGregor. I was like Team McGregor forever on that. Nate Diaz is the funniest dude ever. The brothers, too. Like, the culture to him. Because Nick started doing it before Nate even started at all.

So, like, there's a whole bunch of old videos, like, playing nunchucks, fucking hitting a bomb before, like, anybody gave a fuck about the internet. Like, yeah, what's up? Beat his ass. I don't know. Yeah. Was it him versus, like, Anderson Silva? Nick Diaz was, like, was that the fight?

He was, like, really fucking talking shit. That was awesome. But if you look up, like, Robbie Law or Nick Diaz, like, was that the fight he was like really fucking talking that was all time that was awesome but if you look up like Robbie Law or Nick Diaz like way back in the day when people didn't know Nick Diaz at all

people were like this is like a grappler guy he's gonna get his ass beat dude Robbie Law was fucking people up and Nick came in and he just mind gamed him and like Robbie didn't even understand

like why this skinny guy is talking so much shit what is he doing and he's standing with me and he fucking he sparked him out, dude. Nick sparked him out with a left

check left hook just on a button. Robbie goes down on his fucking face which is a bad way to get knocked out. If you fall directly on your face

that means you got all the way shut off because your hands aren't there anymore. If you hit your face yeah, that's like one of the worst types to knock out.

Who do you got? McGregor, Cowboy. Who are you going with i don't know cowboy's chinny which is why they picked him not not to say i like cowboy a lot but cowboy's able to get i mean you can put him down he's been put down before but he's big dude and i don't know what the fuck mcgregor's doing mcgregor's got that anchor punch it's he's got that left hand ali punch yeah but i don't know if his combination punch is there and also cowboy's been long enough to be able to humble himself and fucking wrestle him down for two rounds.

Yeah, McGregor hasn't won a UFC match since 2016. Really? Yeah. I can't decide whether he's – I think he is like a special talent, though. I think he – yeah, I agree. And I've been watching a lot of his interviews and stuff, and he seems – he's saying the right things right now as far as how focused he is.

He's humble. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, he's telling everybody he's saying the right things right now as far as how like focused he is he's humble yeah yeah well I mean he's telling everybody he's humble so yeah how humble is that

I'm humble now Cowboys had like 50 fights though like I remember watching Cowboys he's a retard guy yeah in the WEC

I remember watching Cowboy before the UFC even bought him dude at like 145 he was fucking people up dude nobody kicks like that

how old is he I don't know maybe a couple years older than us. But he lives rough, though. He's a wild motherfucker, dude. He owns bulls. He doesn't give a fuck. That's over for McGregor, dude.

If he loses to the cowboy. Oh, it is. That's it. Even if he wins, it's like whatever. Yeah, they gave him a setup fight so they could make one more, at least make one more big payoff with him. But even for a setup fight, man, he might not get past it. Cowboy fucking is active and he's good.

Like, it might be done. But I don't think so. I think he beats Cowboy and then they give him Nate. I don't think they give him Khabib again. I think they go Nate again. What do you think? What about Masvidal? I like him a lot.

But I don't think. I mean, ticket sales. I mean. Masvidal, McGregor would sell like crazy. Yeah, you're right. Maybe more Nate. But I don't know. I think, yeah. But I mean, I think Masvidal's a much more dangerous fight for McGregor.

For sure. I mean, nothing against Nate, but I mean, god damn, dude. Masvidal's been fucking fighting. Yeah, he came up in like open mics. I said that to you. Where like he used to fight. Remember Kimbo Slice? Yeah.

Kimbo Slice had like an underground fight ring in Florida and Masvidal was like a lightweight who was fighting the fucking dudes on tape you can find those tapes

like he was doing VFW rooms and fucking people up and not being scared so it's like Masvidal's for real dude so I mean

and he's technically sound he's got a great camp ATT I think he's still down in Florida damn dude I hope like who's the champion right now? Khabib?

In which... McGregor's realm. Khabib is... The fucking... Who's... No. Who's the... Who's the dude whose nickname is the fucking...

The Nigerian assassin or something? He's like a smaller... There's a... Usman? Usman. Usman, yeah. Us just be 170 covington who is the trump dude yeah which is hilarious that is funny trump dude's so funny he's i i understand he's fully aware of what he's doing yeah i mean he's yeah he's cutting promos with

like hookers in his hotel room holding like a maga hat in the belt and being like what's up virgins he's chel son in 2.0 chel was the first guy to do it and people belt and being like, what's up, virgins? Yeah, he's Chael Sonnen 2.0. Chael was the first guy to do it and people were like, oh my God, he's so disrespectful. He made so much fucking money.

He's got a radio show now. Chael has a life after fighting because of that. Chael, who else? Who else is, who's the,

heavyweight is, what's his name? Still Miocic? I think it's Miocic from the Cormier fight. Okay. Right? I don't know. I follow 155. Again, it's drifting awayic from the cormier fight okay right i think i don't know i follow 155 again

it's drifting away though like i'll still watch it for the storylines of it but ever since i fucked my body up it's like kind of bums me out to watch it a little bit honestly because it's like oh not that i could ever body up oh i have like uh my back's like fuck really yeah from what i go to get injections in like a week cortisol Cortisol? Yeah, I'm going to get another round of them. How often do you get cortisol? I had one. Oh, just from work? Yeah.

Yeah. So, like my left leg's tingling right now. Shit. Yeah, it's not good. That's good. You'll be all right. But whatever. What are you going to do?

What's the official diagnosis? I have a herniated L5 S1. Is he going to get back surgery? Maybe. Or hopefully we fix it. Or just ride it out, dude. Have a fun day back surgery maybe or hopefully we fix it or just ride it out dude have a fun

how are you gonna fix it yoga yeah well I the first injections I got I swam 16 miles a day

all in November and the first two weeks of December until I got sick because my doctor was like dude just swim it'll fix itself

so I was hauling ass and even at the end I started kickboarding because I wasn't using my lower body that's what's up oh no it's not. Go to a public pool and ask for a kickboard, dude.

It's not what's up, dude. Yeah, I guess I haven't done that since I was a child. You were motoring around? When I was a little kid. No, that's another thing. You're not motoring around. Once you get over, like, I got to ask this young 18-year-old lifeguard girl for a fucking kickboard and I look like me.

Then once they give it, you're bad at kickboarding. You're not good at, you're not motoring around, dude you you're fucked up how's your splat were you splashing in other lanes i do i'm splashing everybody like a tugboat your head's out of water when you kickboard too so i'm just looking i just fucking can make eye contact with this young girl i'm a 33 year old man imagine looking in the pool like opening the door door. All right. Dude, I was just laughing. So you open the door into the pool, and that makes a noise. So Woods just like turns his head, and you guys just make eye contact as soon as you enter the room. I'm kickboarding poorly. Just staring while you're kickboarding.

And there's male lifeguards. I'm trying to fix my back. There's like young dudes who definitely are talking shit. I just made eye contact. I was like, oh, yeah. I might go. I might show up. Dude, you got to get fast at kickboarding to where no one can talk shit. I just made eye contact. I was like, oh, yeah. I might go. I might show up. Dude, you got to get fast at kickboarding

where no one can talk shit. True. If you're just smoking people on the board. Dude, it was so hard to ask for that kickboard. I'm like proud of myself for doing that. Fuck yeah, dude. It's like, this is embarrassing. Is there any areas you could skimboard

on like the side? Is there an X spillover? Not on the board. All my brain's concerned with is making friends. Dude, bring a boogie board. And just put a leash on your ankle and they'll be like, yeah, this guy's serious. Bring your friends dude bring a boogie board and just put a leash on your ankle and it's the big yeah this guy's serious weird i just i just threw out i'm gonna bring my own hard bottom boogie board bro and a rash guard i just threw out your boogie board last week oh you threw my fucking boogie board in my trunk i had a skim board in my trunk yeah

you threw my skim board out yeah i forgot it was in there it was onimboard in my trunk. Yeah, you threw my skimboard out? Yeah, I forgot it was in there. It was on the base of my trunk. I forgot, too. When Katie gave me all those clothes to give to you. I opened my trunk and I was like, how do I have all this shit in here? There's a skimboard. I was like, where is this shit? I was like, oh yeah, Matt.

We were down at, where was that? Not Daytona Beach. It was North Carolina Beach. No, you're thinking Myrtle beach myrtle beach that's what it was yeah south carolina yeah i bought a skimboard and i was skimming i was fucking shredding shredding dude i was filming it i was shredding that was gnarly yeah i was shredding like was that the same thing when you guys got caught with a weed yeah same run and then we passed blocked on the beach yeah that, that was so fucking funny. We set up just two dudes. It was like cold out.

I had a bright pink Myrtle Beach bathing suit. We drew lines in the sand. I was pass blocking them. That was so funny. No one else. Just two dudes. That was it. Pass blocking.

Then we went to the water park. My tiny penis was out for all the kids. We made a full beach day out of a day that people were wearing Land's End zip-ups. It was cold. Walking Yorkies all the kids. We made a full beach day out of a day that people were wearing like Land's End zip-ups like walking Yorkies across the beach.

50 degrees down here. We were like shirts off, pass blocking. They definitely thought you were a gay couple. They definitely thought you were like Myrtle Beach having fun.

Well, we were pass blocking so that might have thrown a fucking fly. And I was skimming. I was skimboarding, etc. Oh, man. If just somebody, some like dude,

like smoking a cigarette out on his porch, just was like, you could see down at the beach, just two dudes, one of them skimboarding, one of them filming. Then they stop, draw lines in the sand, and start pass blocking. It's like, who are these guys? Yeah, it was like ISIS training.

100% ISIS training. True. We've talked about it on here before, but I was just telling O'Connor about it when we were driving the water park. Dude, because we drove past a water park, like a giant one in New York. And he was like, we should hit that. I was like, dude, it sounds fun. But as two adult men going to a water park alone, It is a jarring experience. I had fun.

I mean, it was fun. I hear what you're saying. We were also in a hotel. We were in the one where there was all pretty much little kids. It was all little kids and their parents on the chairs watching. Dude, I was wearing gym shorts with no underwear. The first time I got wet, my dick was just hanging out. It was vacuum sealed. Yeah, it was vacuum sealed. Perfect, my dick was just hanging out. It was vacuum sealed?

We didn't bring, yeah, it was vacuum sealed, perfect, just my tiny dick sticking out. And then we didn't, we didn't bring towels. So we had to use hotel towels.

So I was using, and it couldn't go around me. I was just holding it over my dick, walking around. Oh man. Then, oh man, the fucking slide,

getting in the slide, like, I laid my tube down. You know the pool at the top where you sit and then you go? I sat and the thing just sank straight. I was just sitting on the floor. I'm fucking huge. And some fucking 14-year-old lifeguard had to push me.

Had to push me. And then right away there was a curve like right when you go down there was a turn right away that i immediately flipped off in sight of the 14 year olds just he pushed me and i flipped the tube went down so i was just by i was just sliding down laughing the whole and then i landed in the pool and i was like, Matt, you got to get me a towel, dude. My dick's out. I came out first and just came out to a parent thinking I was their kid looking at me and I popped out. They were just like, what the fuck, man? Like a mullet.

Like long hair. Yeah, you did. You had a fucking mullet. I was poorly received at all levels down south. For the most part, I would come out on stage and just disappoint everybody in the room. Like, all right, next comedian. I would go out and just bury that fucking headliner. I know.

Every night. Oh, my God. By like the fourth show, he was just doing my bits. He stole his act. It was so funny. Oh, it's so funny. You have there. It was so funny.

Oh, my God. Did you just do other shit and still crush him no i was doing the he would do the bits after me he would follow him up and just use his act and be like that was funny remember this guy said everybody yeah oh that's funny i remember that happened to you once at punchline when we were living the house together i don't want to name who oh yeah i got him fucking a couple things clip but you know i've since he's ever ever since i accused fucking uh whatever yeah yeah it's not like all of our it's like yeah it's not like the jokes were the most original yeah the jokes are like yeah black guys have bigger dicks yeah they're white guys well

no that's like my act oh yeah he just blatantly quoted you just kept talking he was a musician he was a musical comedian so he would be like say whatever shane's one of his punchlines were he would just start when he would start bombing he would start singing, say whatever Shane's one of his punchlines were. He would just start, when he would start bombing, he would start singing Shane's punchlines and people would just laugh. Yeah, it was weird. It was real fucking bizarre. It was funny though.

We just sat there and laughed. Musical comedians can crush though with like, they can. They can. Yeah. Until they don't. And then it gets real sad. Yeah.

When you see them start to falter, it was just like, the guy who passed away when we were living together Ramus or whatever was a fucking guitar comic and he had good songs and we rolled around

did like VFW gigs and shit a lot I was like his good friend and so like but I remember I would talk to him about Bomb

and he's like dude when I bomb it's three minutes long like I can't get out well it's a couple of the anxiety of playing an instrument yeah

so dude yeah you can't bail on a bit dude it's a song of the anxiety of playing an instrument. Yeah. So, dude, yeah. You can't bail on a bit, dude. It's a song. Yeah, I would quit right away. Dude, imagine a puppet comic. That bombing? Like you're doing voices for somebody that's not fucking funny?

It would be funny to blame him for bombing. You're fucking bombing, dude. No, you are. Your life's a... Well, then, I mean, if they were that funny, they wouldn't be... Have you ever seen a bad puppet comic?

I mean, you don't... Yeah, I worked with Otto and George when I was really early on. He fucking crushed it. The club I was at was talking about how there's a puppet comic coming, and I was like... And they were, like, shitting on it,

and I was like, dude, that show's gonna be awesome. Yeah. That's gonna be such a funny show to be in the room for. Yeah. That and, like, I mean, magician comics, bombing. Dude. Gemini. Oh, I didn't know if you were gonna name him yeah dude gemini gemini so funny he has a fucking like uh hammered he's

like a scion that's wrapped he has a yeah he gets fucked up he has a scion that's wrapped with his face comedy magician he's like a magi dude he fucking has the salts and then he's fucking good to go dude he just drives home drunk in a fucking thing wrapped in a comedy magician. Yeah, man, he was... Getting a DUI in a wrapped comedy magician car must just suck. I would saw myself in half. You really got to think about letting him go if you're that cop, dude. My next trick, I'm going to disappear forever.

I was hosting the open mic at helium we had an open mic comedian uh i'm sorry that was a fucking magician i'm sorry my brain didn't work it was an open mic uh like an older black dude who's a magician comic and he fucking crushed for like eight minutes it was great right so then i go to rent a policeman uniform because i'm doing a costume night on Halloween. So it's like a mushroom festival, like a weed thing, hippie thing. So I'm going to show up in a cop uniform, have fun, walk around the outside. My whole plan was like, I'm just going to scare kids until I have to do a set.

So I would just walk around the outside of this festival where everybody's on mushrooms and shit looking like a police officer. He owned the fucking costume store. I was like, dude, you own a costume store too? You got everything. He was a master of disguise and a magician? Yeah, cop uniform, 60 bucks. That's dark magics. Holy fuck.

That's the dark arts. That is. Dude, he was so happy to see me. What are we, I hate to be this, what are we at time-wise? We're fucking an hour and seven minutes.

Perfect, dude. The game is kicking off right now. Rip it, dude. Wait, who'd you go with? I didn't bet. I didn't bet. That's fair. All right.

No gambling, no more gambling after the Cassini. I lost. But yeah, oral presentations. Check it out. Good podcast. The Wood Man. The Wood Pile is in full effect.

Oral underscore presentations underscore pod is our Instagram. Nice. Get on there, dude. I'm picturing myself out there. Nice. Get on there. But yeah, thanks for coming in, Wood Man. Thanks. If you listen to episode eight, I get real fired up about America put a picture of myself out there. Nice. Get on there. But yeah, thanks for coming in, Woodman. Thanks.

If you listen to episode eight, I get real fired up about America and a lot of other things. It's a pretty cool one. Dude, listen to the whole thing. It's awesome. Yeah. Thanks for having me, guys.

Yeah, man.