Memory Lane with Kerry Godliman and Jen Brister - S02 E11: Ian Smith

Episode Date: September 13, 2023

"I wanted to wear a woolly hat at all times, I even tried to make my hair into it!" Ian came in off the back of his Edinburgh Award nomination to share some BRILLIANT photos and stories. Photo 01 - The haunted portrait Photo 02 - Covering the ears with hair Photo 03 - On the set of Popatron Photo 04 - Holidaying in Chernobyl Photo 05 - Colonel Money PICS & MORE - https://www.instagram.com/memory_lane_podcast/ A Dot Dot Dot Production produced by Joel Porter Hosted by Jen Brister & Kerry Godliman Distributed by Keep It Light Media Sales and advertising enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Shop before they're gone. In-store online at Sephora.com. Hello and welcome to Memory Lane. I'm Jen Bristair and I'm Kerry Godleman. Each week we'll be taking a trip down Memory Lane with our very special guest as they bring in four photos from their lives to talk about. To check out the photos we'd be having a natter with them about, they're on the episode image and you can also see them a little bit more clearly on our Instagram page so have a little look at Memory Lane podcast.

Come on, we can all be nosy together. I just wanted to talk about this one thing. Go on. Well, it's just in the last time, I think the last time we were talking about the fact I was going to be in a tree house. Oh, yes. And I said. I saw your Instapost. Did you like it?

Yeah, I loved it. I liked to speed it up bit. It looked like you had skills. I did that on something called hyperlapse. Do you know about this? No. No. Okay.

It's an incredible thing that my son actually showed me how to do it. He's eight. I don't want anyone to comment on that. Anyway, so I thought, you know what I said, oh, it'll be fine as long as I'm not like having to shit in a bucket. You were shit in a bucket. Yeah, we had to shit in a bucket. Oh, Jen. Jen.

Yes. Yes. Then you put like sawdust on it, but I had to take the bucket out every day. Oh, you had to take it down the tree. Oh, well, take the bucket out on my thing. Oh, that's a bit much. Oh, tell me about it. Especially.

I don't might know what I thought would be. Look, it became my job. The family's sewage. Yeah. You had to carry it down a tree. And let's not forget that I've got two sons who, let's be honest, can't aim. So every time I picked up that bucket, It was covered in urine.

Oh, gently. And I didn't have plastic gloves. We're up a tree. We're up a tree. Who's bringing rubber gloves with them on holiday? Nobody. Was it enough to ruin the treehouse experience? No, but it really put me off my coffee in the morning.

Fair enough. It was, in many ways, it was quite a magical experience. And it was the highlight of your holiday? It was a highlight of my holiday. Because you said you were in France for two weeks and you didn't see another human. We were discussing earlier. When you're on holiday to France, our family have driven across all of France on various camping holidays over the years

and one of the games on the car journey has been Spot the Human. It's that 28 days later? Where is everyone? Where are they? Where is everyone? I mean, seriously. Kerry, we drove for miles. We didn't see anyone.

We kept saying, where are the French people? Where are the French people? And nothing's open. No, did you say there was a whole day where you couldn't find a shop or a restaurant or a cafe? Nothing. We arrived on the Saturday. and Saturday we had, we'd arranged dinner to have up in the tree. So they were like, we'll sort dinner out for you and you can have dinner up in the tree.

We're like, how romantic. We did it. It was really lovely. Next day we're like, it doesn't matter. We don't have food. We don't have a kitchen. We're in a tree. That doesn't matter.

And you're sitting in a bucket. And we're sitting in a bucket. It's a basic situation. It's a very basic situation. We thought it doesn't matter because we will eat at something called a restaurant. Yeah, because we're on holiday. In August. area.

And it's peak time. Yeah. So guess what? No restaurants open on a Sunday. Because it's a zombie apocalypse. I can't think. Because it's the zombie apocalypse in France. It's the zombie apocalypse permanently in France.

There's no restaurants open on a Sunday. Do you think there is a restaurant but they're just not telling us? Well, I went to six of them. I googled every restaurant in the area. We kept turning up to them thinking, well, maybe this one will be open. No. In the end, we were like, fine, we'll go to the supermarket. It was shut.

We had to eat. Biscuits. The supermaché not, it's farmerme, the supermarket um, look,

France is beautiful. This is the thing. It is beautiful. It is absolutely stunning. And there's loads of it. It's so much of it. It's really big. It's big.

So you thought you would be clever and go to the north so that you didn't have to do that whole drive and sat. And what you were met with was bad weather. Bad weather. Could have been in Cornwall or Dorsey. Could have been in Cornwall. Yeah.

And everything was shut. Everything was shut. And it took. took seven hours to drive there. But no, it's fine. Look, you know, as, I'm trying to look at the positive. If people weren't quiet time, it's nice. The positives were, I had a lot of time alone with my thoughts.

Is that a positive? That doesn't sound like a positive. I ate a lot of bread. I do think I've got IBS. And you drank a lot of wine, you developed a drink problem. I, borderline developed a drink problem. You've got lactose intolerance from all the cheese. There was nothing to do in the evening.

and it wasn't warm enough to sit outside on the balcony and read the book because that's what I thought we would be doing. I thought, well, I sit outside in the balcony. I even brought like a little light that I clip onto my book so I can read. I know these lamps. I know these balmy evenings. Yeah, that you weren't having those. Well, I wasn't having any of those.

She messaged me in the holiday, right? Just tell Joel, halfway through the holiday. She's on holiday. I'll leave her alone. She's on holiday with her family. She doesn't want to be bothered. Anyway, I get a text from her going, have you watched Deadlock? I went, no.

She went, it's really good. I highly recommend it. And then I went, are you watching telly on holiday? He said, it's so cold and boring. Me and Chloe are treating ourselves to one episode a night.

What fucking hell. Have you seen it yet, though? I've watched it one. It's really good. It's really good. It's such a good show. Look, if I can make any recommendations, can I recommend deadlock?

Joel, have you seen it? Not France. Don't go to Brittany, don't bother. But, beautiful. It's beautiful, Joel. It's absolutely stunning. I have always wanted to go. now I don't need to bother because you've been

and really thoroughly put me off. I never want to see them all free again. But look, Deadlock, that was the revelation when we were on holiday actually. I can remember once a year ago when me and bed first started going out and we were going on holiday, we wanted to have holiday, we were going to go to Dorset or Devon. Got no money, absolutely no money. We're going to go camping.

And then I sort of had a strok and went, I want to go abroad. And he was like, okay darling, well, it'll have to be France because we have to drive there. We've got no money. so we'll just go over the channel and we'll do what we were going to do in the south of England but we'll do it in the north of France

and we had exactly the same realisation where we were like why did we come here? Why did we? I said to a clue and there should be a pub somewhere yeah we were like we should have just gone to Devon

because there'd have been more to do and it would have looked and also everyone's going on about oh British food British food but at least when you're in the UK you can get a curry you can get some Thai food

you can pop out and get like a nice bit of Lebanese food or something I'm going around France going, if I eat more free one more time, I'm going to shoot myself in the face. Yeah, yeah, there's a lot to be said for staying in the UK. Anyway, my bowel movements have caught up with themselves, so it's fine. But yeah, La France wasn't what I thought it was a bit. I thought it was a bit.

And you went quite late as well. I have also had holidays in France in September, late August rather, and you starts feeling autumnal. Do you know, it was very quickly. You hear those wood pigeons. I always associated with the wood pigeons. Oh, my God, that's all we heard. Is that an autumnal thing? I just associate it with the end of summer.

Oh my God, it was wood pigeon a go-go. I'm not even joking. And you start, like, properly tuning into it. And you get into the rhythm of, ooh-oh-oh-oh, ooh-oh. And then there'll be the break. Oh, oh, oh. Yeah.

That was going on. It's a very specific sound that I associate with camping in France in late August. Well, that's exactly what was happening. We were, and also by the time we got back, the beautiful thing about coming back, on the day that we left, 29 degrees. Well, I mean, you know, now we're in September.

I don't know when you're going to put this out. Or you're going to put it out imminently, aren't you? That's how these intros work. It's hot and the kids are back at school. The poor bastards man, I really feel sorry for kids because it's sunny in June and July and then they break up and it's shit. And then they go back to school and it's got really sunny again.

I know. It's like the hottest day of the year. I mean, we got an email from the school the other day before they're even back saying, you know, hot weather warning, they're allowed to wear their PE kits and make sure they're hydrated. They're not even there yet.

I'm just covering my kids in sun cream before they go to school. I'm like, this can't be right. No, I know. And August was, you know, as is traditional, a washout. Well, you had a good time in Sicily. I had a nice time of Sicily, yeah. Okay. We talked about that on another one.

I've been long about it. Well, that was the one where you expressed zero interest in my holiday. Oh, it's an age holiday. And we ended up talking about marrows more than my holiday. It's fine, it's fine. It's fine. No one cares about other people's holidays. Why don't we all admit that we all don't care about other people's holidays

unless it's to slag it off? But you really, just told me you really enjoyed my Instagram reel of my holiday. Yeah, the tree bit, the tree bit, because we'd already talked about the tree situation. Did you know I put that to music, but the music didn't work? That upset me. There are flaws to your Insta skills. Let's not go into them right now. Also, you do need to teach me how to work Instagram.

I can't mean. There's not enough. And my daughter turned to me the other day and went, why don't you just leave TikTok, Mum? It's not working out. I didn't even know you're on TikTok. Well, there we are. I am and I don't quite know how to work it.

I don't quite know how it works. I don't understand it. Like I posted a video not that long ago and it was mute. Why was it mute? Well, I don't know, Jane, because if I knew, it would have had sound. At the very least, a stand-up comedian needs sound. Yeah, but if the video that you're posting has sound,

it should come up with sound. Well, it decided to omit the sound. Okay. I have seen you do things that I find so mind-nummingly easy and boring and that you sends you into any... Well, I'm literally connecting a microphone to a laptop or something. That, I mean, that, I mean, fuck me, that took how many hours? Yeah, but we've got it.

We're there now, aren't we? Yeah, we're nailed it. Well, we are because we're in a studio and they've created the system for us. But I never had... Right, back when Twitter was more a thing, I got, of... board and I did it and now I'm on Instagram and that's going okay but TikTok I don't get it I don't worry don't you don't have to get it's fine you know you sound like it my daughter going why don't you just leave it down have to get everything

it's okay you do you got to go viral you sit there on your viral throne you don't have to get everything do you want to get millions of like people calling you a cunt every day when you put it like that no you don't need it today we have the wonderful Ian Smith, who is a fantastic broadcaster. He has his own podcast with Amy Gledhill. Was it the Northern News? Yeah. I've never been called a broadcaster before. I will describe anyone that podcast is a broadcaster now. I've just decided. Absolutely. That's what we're doing. We are broadcasting. This is happening right now. It's a whole new landscape. It doesn't matter that it's not live and that is heavily edited in our favour. It's still

broadcasting. How would you prefer to be introduced? Podcasting. Stand up. I'm obviously going to say stand up. But when I think of broadcaster, I think. It's interesting. of Clive Anderson. All right, let's start again. Okay, let's start again. All right. I've been chastened.

We'll start this whole into again. Yes. Yeah. Stand-up comedian primarily. Yeah. I'd like to be introduced as primarily a stand-up comedian. Okay.

So people are straight off the back and they're like, he's got other stuff going on. Yeah, exactly. All the other stuff is the nice fluff around the core thing. Someone wants to describe stand-up as the trunk and all the other stuff as the branches.

Oh, well, thanks, Ken. Yeah, and I reckon I've got about three branches. Okay. but a really solid drum. A tiny little bonsai. Straight back from Edinburgh Festival where you were nominated. Heavily pruned.

I was going to get to all of that. I feel like... You didn't take too long. I didn't take too long. I got interrupted. I want to get to the photos and chat to Ian. Oh my God. Oh, God, you're enough. Drag it out.

Right. Let's get to the nomination. I was interrupted during the introduction. Should we just say, it's a really funny bloke. Ian Smith. There we go. Thank you. Congratulations on your recent triumph for Edinburgh.

Thank you. Very exciting. Yeah. I tell you what is stressful. Go on. So, you know, they set up another award when they thought the Edinburgh Comedy Award. So the Edinburgh Comedy Award, it lost its sponsorship, it won't going to happen. So some other people set one up called the ish Edinburgh Comedy Awards,

where they were looking for sponsors. Fucking hell, because what Edinburgh needs is more competition. Yeah, yeah. More stress, more anxiety. Oh, I didn't get nominated for two awards, you pricks. Yeah. So when the Edinburgh Comedy Awards was like, we've got sponsorship, They were like, well, we've sort of already started the process,

so we'll go ahead as well. Oh, God. So on the day that I was wondering whether the nomination would happen, we'll also get a couple of texts from people because I'd got on the shortlist for the other one previously. So he's got a text from someone going, you've been nominated. I'm looking at my phone going, oh, yes.

And then being like, hang on, they haven't even been announced yet. I mean, so it's fucking other ones. And I know I should be grateful, but yeah, it's really interesting. It's hard to be grateful at Edinburgh for anything. And also it's hard to be grateful to be nominated for award that no one sure has actually happened, has never happened before and no one really gives a shit about.

They watched their sponsorship before and it survived. It used to be the Perrier, didn't it? Okay. Anyway, you got nominated. Congratulations. And it is a huge thing to be nominated for an Edinburgh award. We scooped you up for our podcast,

early September, straight off the bat of August. I'm really pleased that. Yeah, this is the first sign of the benefits of what's to come. Oh my God, can you imagine if that was actually true? That would be depressing, wouldn't it? My life changed overnight.

I was immediately asked to do Kerry and Jen Pogne. Wow, what a singer. You should have put a picture. Well, you don't have to. You can pick your own pictures, but you could have put a picture. You could have a holding. What do you get given when you're a nominee?

We get given a little plaque, but you also have to do photos with the main award in case you win it. So they make you have a day where you're like doing loads of like, yeah. And then, I think they immediately delete all those files when the winner's announced.

Yeah, yeah. So they have you. You're the big one pointing out it. No. They actually do loads of different stuff. You're on your head. Woo! All that kind of stuff.

That's weird. By the way, I've never been shortlisted. Have you, Kerry? No. No. We've never been shortlisted for anything. But that period, isn't it? How many days is it?

It's like three days or something? Between finding out that you're like, that pretty much everyone on the panels come to see you. But you don't know. if you're going to be shortlisted. Well, you know, so I think they meet on like a Sunday. So you know if they come in, like, say Sunday evening on Monday, Tuesday, you know you're on the long list because they wouldn't come in again. Yeah.

So always in the past I've known by like that Sunday, like, well, you're not in contention for it. So I knew like late Sunday and then all of Monday and Tuesday, I knew that there was like a shit ton of people coming in on Monday and Tuesday. Oh, God. So they were like high pressure. The Tuesday one was good, but not as good as like the old. others. So then Wednesday morning, I just found awful. Because it's like, it'd been a dream to like get on it. The whole day, the girlfriend having a terrible time because I'm with her and I was

spending the old morning going like, ah, fuck it. I'm just going to be, it's just going to be disappointing. And all of that and just being in a mood. You sound great company. Yeah, yeah. It must have been really romantic for her. Yeah, that day wasn't very fun. But, and then I had to do my gig, knowing that like, I reckon it all the news will come out mid-gig. And I thought if I see Steve from like the agency at the back of the gig and be like he's surely only coming to deliver a good news. So occasionally I looked at the back of the gig. I'm so stressed.

It's horrible because no one was at the back of the gig. I looked over a couple of times and I was like, yeah, probably, probably been announced by now. So I'm probably disappointed but don't know I'm disappointed. So yeah, it was quite a hard gig to do. So when did you, when, who told you and when did you find out? Steve Steve Garland who works at

our agent yeah our agent yeah he'd come at the back of the gig but I couldn't really read his facial expression but he says because you're not allowed to tell anyone

because it's like embargoed for like half an hour and there's like another comedian getting ready for their show so he was like give me a hug and was just like whispering like got numbed baby

something like that and I couldn't do anything so I think I I think I had lots of frustration in my body and I think I like a punched a chair. Wow. I'm not very healthily, mentally mentally mentally.

I have not a comedian who is mentally healthy. But I think I did that. I think I sort of like went, come on and then flipped over a chair. So to the outside eye, we wouldn't have been able to determine whether you'd been nominated or not. No,

or if I just got like a bad medical diagnosis. Like any news could have been whispering. Yeah, yeah. Classic Yorkshireman response. It's good news. Is he happy, as angry as he's sad. Yeah, you wouldn't have known. Readied face, is it good news or bad news?

He's just flipped a chair over it. Surely it's bad news. Let's have a little look at your photos. Are we going to start with chronological? Because they're in a funny order. Oh yeah, maybe chronological is. Yeah, let's go. It makes sense.

So I assume that's you as... The haunted portrait. Oh my God. What is... on in that piece. Why? It looks like something from a true crime document.

Yeah. My two initial thoughts on it are every single hand placement is bizarre. Your mum's hand looks like it was painted on. Yeah. Her and your dad look like

they're having a game of one potato two potato. Yeah, yeah. You can't really tell who's hand is who's there. Yeah. Are they trying to do the friends thing when everyone's hands are touching and over that?

I don't understand. Is that? Whose hands are... Oh, that's your mum's hand than your dad's hand, then your mum's hand. Hang on, your dad's got three hands, because there's one round you, unless your other sibling has got a really long arm.

Or, whoa, there's more hands than they should be in that bitch. Yeah, unless my mum appears to have one pale hand and one tanned hand. Right, maybe she was doing some lorry driving on the side. Yeah, yeah. Or golf, you know how you wear a glove? Oh, that's it. Yeah, there's a loads of answers in explanations. Yeah.

One of my dad's hands around my way, like is it a film premiere with his girlfriend or something He does tash as well Yeah he's got a tash then Polo neck Do you remember this day? It's very 80s

I don't remember All I remember How old would I have been This has got to be an 80s picture Right Or early 90s It'll be early 90s I reckon

I must be say Something like 8 there Right I was born in 88 96 or something I know that it was I think it was one in some form of competition.

Right. My mum and dad wouldn't have chosen. I don't think. They don't look like they're happy to be there. No, none of us are, I don't think. We're all quite shy people, I would say, my family. Okay. Your mum is like, is your mum's got Mona Lisa eyes?

Where is she looking? Yeah, yeah. I think we're all looking at, yeah, I'm looking up. My mum's looking forward. My dad's looking straight down the lens. My brother's like looking into another world. I just don't want to be there. Yeah, it's just so confusing.

I love it. I absolutely love it. Now, was this taken in Goal? No, I don't think so. I think... Because we have a shared connection. I want to cover Goal in this chat. Because you are from Goal.

My mum is from Goal. Lots of my relations live in Goal. Now, we've only met a few times on the circuit. I remember some years ago doing a gig with you and you were on stage and you said in passing, I'm from Goal. And I was ecstatic. And I ran up to Ian after.

He went, you're from Goal? My mum's from Goal. All my uncle's and art some cousins live in Goal. And you went, oh, I. And that was it. Did I? Which was very in keeping with a gul response. Really? Very understated. How long ago was that, though? You were staggeringly underwhelmed. Maybe I was sort of shy. I think I've only come out of my show. He literally went, oh, I. And I thought, you're such a goalie. He's probably intimidated by your enthusiasm for his hometown. It was classic on-brand goal. It was a real down. Yorkshire, all right, calm down. You couldn't have given less of a shit. Because even when you said then,

like I was kind of remembering that your family's from goal, I was kind of like, oh, I bet well no, I must have been in all year, no, stuff. The old stuff. Yeah, oh, the salt and pepper pot. Still there? Talk me through that. Yeah, something absolutely mad is happening

with the salt and pepper pot in the minute. So I think I might, I think this will probably be the basis of my next show. I find it fascinating. So the salt and pepper pot, Maybe I'll have to get a photo. Yeah, because I... I mean, I'm sure there are lots of people like me.

But they're just tanks. What are they? Don't know what you're talking about. They're old water towers. Two old water towers. One's fat, one's thing that colloquially known is the salt and pepper pot. Gotcha. So one of them is like a long thin brown brick tower. One of them is a stouter white tower.

They're called the salt and pepper pot. I thought in my head because... They're salt and peppery. Yeah. They look sort of like salt and pepper pots. Yeah. But for the town's two and... birthday, which is coming up in

2006, they want to make actual ceramic salt and pepper pots of the salt and pepper pot. Oh, I love this. To like sell and give around the town. Wow. It's not a kind of, there's no tourism in Gaul, by the way. It's not somewhere you go for holiday. I was going to say, who's buying these

apart from the people of Gaul? Yeah, probably just the people of Gaul. People of Gaul are very proud to be from Gaul. As they should be. But the town council, they had a vote as to which one should be sold and which one should be settled. Can I guess? Can I get involved with what's the salt and what's the pepper?

I mean, I think with all, surely, there's only one answer. Do you think the long thin brown one that looks like a pepper grinder should be pepper? Yeah. Or the white one should be. I was going to go, I was going to go brown pepper, white salt. I can't see anyone going against that. Goaltown Council completely split 50-50. What?

It's like Brexit. Oh, but you know why? Because a lot of salt, I can't believe we're talking about this, But a lot of salt cellar shakers, they're often, aren't they? Long and thing. Yeah, and also, apparently, Gulltown Council is so old, some of the members predate the prominence of pepper grinders. Oh, you used to just come in little shakers.

They've never been to IKEA. They don't know about anything. It's a new sort of European thing. Foreign look coming over. Or foreign pepper grinders. Here, we've got white pepper. That's what my granddad's girlfriend was, where we took her for an Italian meal.

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Hang on, let's have a look at your next photo. So this one, you're a young man, a teenager. That's the next one? Yeah, this is my hair. Hair face. Wow. How old are you? How old are you?

I also, I think I'd like back combed it there and I wanted to display how long I'd grown it out. I always used to, my dad is very much like you just, it's shaved heads. Like, not for any kind of like ideology. Just to be clear. Yeah, yeah. Like, Britain's for Britain. Get it shaved. Just for ease.

Yeah. I think so. And then I started wanting to, like... Push against your old man. No, not even that. I think. I just think I, I think somewhat. I'm the sort of person.

If someone says something negative about my appearance, I'll remember that for the rest of my life. So someone said I looked quite mousy because my ears kind of stick out a bit. So I was just like, right, let's get them covered up with hair. And you really went for it. I think I look... Like a mouse.

Mentally ill. I think I look... overly proud. Why is one side thicker than the other? Symmetry is weird. Yeah. But what a lovely pair of eyebrows you've got? Has anyone ever said that to you? Well, this is another thing. I hate my eyebrows. So I love having a friend. I know this is getting a sad part of the podcast now.

I'm just trying to engineer my hair to cover up everything I'm self-conscious about. What, your entire face? Yeah, yeah. Ideally, I'd just be hair. Like, cousin it. You'll just have a fringe down to your nose. You look really happy, though. Well, so you look very handsome, Ian.

It's mad that I look so happy. You look like you're a handsome young man with a strong brow. How old are you? What was going on in your life at this time? Well, I was in college, so before uni, and you try and go and have like a new, right, oh no, leave school, going into college for two years. Now people don't know like, oh, he's a bit like,

he's a bit of a swat or he's like this or that. You can be like, right, leather jacket, sunglasses all the time. Everyone's going to think I'm cool. The new Ian has emerged. Yeah, yeah. I did that because I left school and then I went to a college before I went to uni and I did exactly the same thing. I started wearing leggings and DM boots and like, you know.

Shaking the old Jen off. Yeah, shook the old Jen off and started. Any new period like... In fact, I looked like you, Ian. I had exactly the same hair star and also very strong brow except mine met in the middle. Very much one eyebrow. Maybe your head. Honestly, well, that was that picture in your episode and did a lot of it.

Honestly, well, that was that year. That was that year. That was that year. The one I would all go through. Maybe we all go through this. Of course we do. Definitely. It's a transition from 16, 17, 18.

So you're only 20s. Yeah, yeah. I remember once in college, I had these like brown trousers and I'm wearing like a grey jumper. I remember someone saying like, yeah, exactly. You always wear quite like dull colours. And then the next day I was like, right, here we go. A bright blue t-shirt. And like my whole identity.

I thought you were going to say orange or pink, but you stayed with the palette. Oh, but it was vivid. Proper brightly. Yeah, it was like a highlight of pen. I'm picking up a real people-pleasing vibe here, Ian, which is unusual for a stand-up comedian. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, if anyone said something, it would just prey on my mind so much and like, well, I have to change this about myself immediately. But that is kind of, you know, very typical of young teenagers, isn't it? You're trying to shape-shift to fit in. Yeah. Is you're constantly trying to mitigate all of your insecurities at that age?

So you're trying to do whatever you can to get through the day so you don't feel insecure. Yeah. And whatever that is. Good luck with that. Then you're getting to adulthood and realise there's no swirving in it. Yes, you just think, fuck it. I went through a big in my life, a big woolly hat.

I really liked wearing a beanie because I didn't really like my hair. So I'd wear like a beanie. What did you like? Oh, that was a very self-conscious person. So I'd always have this hat on, but it's like July. You got a woolly beanie on. What do you do? Yeah, but there was a phase when everyone was doing that.

Yeah. Beanie in summer at some point in this country was perfectly okay. I think we've all accepted that that's mad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even I've accepted that and I held on to those hats. If your family and friends and ghoul community or anything like the gaw wing of my family, you can't do anything right anyway. They'll take the piss out of literally everything.

Everything. All right, you're doing that, are yeah? And it's all, the piss will be ripped out of everything. So it's not all. personal most of the time. You can wear that hat in July or December you will be having the piss frift out of you for it. My friend, his

now wife is French and he's from like the goal area. I remember him introducing her to his cousin and he's, I think the first thing his cousin said was like, oh right, you know, you don't cook beef over there, do you? Just have it like raw. And that's like,

hey, how you doing? Nice to see it. It's like, oh, France, yeah. Goose and raw beef. That's it over there. murdering docks for patte that's what you like dearie that's golly small talk yeah yeah this is me with endubs which already tells you the quality of the sitcom

look at your face you do look very happy yeah well I'm meeting endubs yeah no yes and also you've landed a sitcom but also do want to talk about your hair in this photo still long I feel like I've been very positive thus far but this has turned into a hat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you can see what I'm trying to achieve.

I know what you're trying to achieve. Kind of, absolutely. I want to wear a woolly hat at all times. I've tried to make my hair into it. And a picture coming up, you finally got wind of that and did get a woolly hat on the go. Yeah, yeah. And another hat, two hats coming up. Anyway, so you were able to move back to London because you got to do this sitcom.

Tell us about the sitcom. So it wasn't as bad as it sounds really. It didn't sound bad until you just said that. Oh, really? I think the name makes it sound like Popatron. Popatron. Popatron. It was basically supposed to be like Popat world

and like the behind the scenes of those... I thought it was going to be something to do with Popatoms. Popatoms. Not from the picture, no. But I'm like working in like the Popatron section. I don't know. You have to Frisbee a Popatom or do something with a Popatom. Well, for a series.

Why your brain went there? How did you get a series out of that? half hour episodes. It's called Popper Tron. Popatron. Popatom is not a big leap, guys. Anyway, sorry, carry on. Yeah.

So there'd be celebrity guests, pop stars. Yeah, so the idea was that, like, say, 60% of it is behind the scenes of some kind of pop culture TV show and all the staff, like, working on it. So are you meant to be like the Simon Amstall kind of character? No, I was, like, the runner, like the one, I didn't know anything about pop music, and I was, like, used to at my job.

Joel Domit played, like, the host. who's now gone on to like actually host her stuff. I've gone on to have a series of low level low paid jobs. But yeah, so, and then 20% of it would be the actual show interviewing people. And then they did like scenes with the celebrities like improv. Oh, okay. I guess what is it? Bit like the Kumars.

Yeah, yeah. I was one of the, so back, do you remember the Kumars? Yeah, of course I do. So back years ago, one of my jobs was that I was, one of the actors that would play the celebrities. So when they rehearsed it in the week, they had just unknown actors improvising the interviews. So I'd be Mini Driver or Melinda Messenger or whatever.

Mini Driver once, I wouldn't say it told me off. I love this story already. I was doing, this is just before the acting work dried up for me and I was doing a Noah's Ark thing on BBC 1. Yeah. And we're in Morocco. We're in the same hotel complex where Mini Driver was, filming something like better um i can't imagine you know i come around the corner and i sort of nearly

walked into her kid was playing football so nearly like um bang this kid onto the floor and then look up and i was like fucking hell mum would be mini driver and um she was asking what i was doing so i this no's no he's directing that oh um he's like oh um kenny um he's like oh um he's like oh do you know his surname and i was like uh uh no not of the top of my head you've always just called him kenny you all yeah i mean she's just called him kenny yeah i mean I said like, oh, that's probably quite bad in it. And she's like, yeah, I mean, you should know the director's surname. Oh.

And I was like, fucking hell, all right. Oh, I'm a mini driver. I'm a lot. You think you're it, don't you? You think you're in. Something like all they're in films under your belt. I'm sick. How do you like?

These apples, given to the beginnings. Oh, I would not want to be told off by mini driver. No, I'm not in touch a mini driver. Oh, that's a shame. She's right, though. You should have known his surname. Oh, yeah, absolutely to be fair. But I wouldn't have.

I mean, I would have been like, oh, Dave, Dave, he's a bloke with headphones and the hat. And the very few bit of acting things I've done, I don't think I've ever known. You are meant too, though, aren't you? But I know only on there for like an hour. Yeah, who introduces himself with their surname? I guess a lot of people. As soon as I said that. Hit pause on whatever you're listening to and hit play on your next adventure.

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Snack back to reality with Tim's new craveable wraps available in Chipotle or ranch, plus tax at participating restaurants in Canada for a limited time. In the beanie hat, are you in Russia or somewhere? Um, you're in somewhere. Close. I'm in Ukraine in everybody's favourite Pripyat near Chernobyl

What took you there? You mean my brother just went on holiday What? So this was like before That's not your average holiday destination That's a very unusual destination And my brother had never been abroad Why did you do that?

I think because my brother had never been abroad You didn't fancy cool food no Well, he's not into that sort of stuff. Are you, what fun? No, Chernobyl's fun. But he likes, yeah, like, I feel like it's abandoned.

I feel like it's quite radioactive, isn't it still? Yeah, but apparently it's not, it's the same amount of radioactivity as you get on a transatlantic flight. How old did you go for? Yeah, yeah. Just for the day, so we're in Ukraine for a day,

get up in the morning, early, get met at, like, at 7 a.m. get on a minibus, got at Genoble. You have a look around where the reactor is and then you're going to Pripyat like the abandoned town. The town, I've... Because it was left exactly...

Yeah, yeah. So, you know, there's like... Apparently there's bicycles just in the street. Yeah, lots of eerie stuff. There's like the old fairgrounds, so there's like dodgums and a... And you walk around on your own or you're going in a tour guide. Yeah, there's like a tour guide.

But at one point, he said... I feel like who's telling you that it's, that it says radio, where is this information coming from? Well, the website that provides the tour, to be fair. Yeah. So that's quite worrying. Yeah. But I've Googled it. I've just, I've googled it.

You've Google, you have like around your neck, you have the Geiger counter. So like, I think background radiation like here is something like 0.02. So, and then you start driving as you get towards it, it's going like, oh, 0.05, 0.05 now. For funny thing to be measuring on your holidays, though. Yeah, yeah. radio activity. The best bit is there's little parts of it where there'll be like a drain

or one particular part of like the ferris wheel that they've kind of learned wasn't really cleaned properly. So they'd be like, right, put your Geiger counter. Just put your hand down that drain. No, I don't want to put my hand down that drain and get hand radiation. And then you read what's on the screen.

And so you do that and be like, 33.2. And then you take it out and you go, hang on. Normal radiation is 0.02. So you've just had a little second of like 33 radiation. But I think that's fine, apparently. And you had a good time? Yeah, yeah. It was worth it, isn't it?

It was worth it, isn't it to be? Yeah. Okay. Look around some abandoned stuff. Creepy. I think my brother got a T-shirt from, there's a gift shop. My brother went to Chernobyl and all you got me was this T-shirt? He got a T-shirt, I got a little patch that you can, like, sew on and stuff.

Is that a patch that sort of like, does something about the radiation when you put your hand in it? Yeah, yeah. Glows in the dark. But you do acknowledge it's an unusual holiday destination. Oh, yeah. Is that the intention? It was like, let's do something really after all for our holidays. I thought, well one, my brother wanted...

Is he older or younger, by the way? Older. Oh, I've seen him in the family picture, yes. Yeah, yeah. So he just wanted to do that and I thought, well, yeah, that would be a fun thing to do. It's a good thing for me and my brother to do. And then maybe partly also thinking, well, it's good for stand-up. I should get 10 minutes out of that.

You'll get something out of it. This is an comedian's brain. Absolutely. It'll get radiation poisoning and I'll get 10 minutes out of it. Oh, look at me with hand cancer, but what a great hour I got from it. Hand cancer That'd be the worst one to get, won't it? Well, you're next Edinburgh show

Yeah Put me then, use that handy Actually, if you're not bothered about sitting around around a pool or a beach Or going clubbing or whatever Then what is a holiday? It's meant to be an adventure Or a set of experiences

Bonding with friends and family Like why not? Just go to our usual places Yeah, and I do find my life quite boring So I think I have to do stuff like that And did you use this Ukraine trip to get material? Yeah, got quite a lot of material out of it Right.

So it is money well spent. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I've been able to do that. This year I went to Slovakia with my hairdress and we drove a tank over a car. Sorry, what? With your hairdresser?

Yeah. Why, that's random. But now you've told us all about your hair stories. It doesn't seem random. It seems quite... Yeah, I really get along with... So we're friends now, but I did meet him. He's just cutting my hair.

And he's a nice guy. And you've talked to him about all your feelings around your hair. No, no. No. No. of your hair. No, I think he's maybe only recently aware of how, I think your hairdresser is so important.

Yeah, they don't think like how, yeah, a good hairdresser, they're so open to conversation. Yeah. They make you feel so good that I think they do make very good friends. And you were like, you're coming on an holiday with me. You know, that's true actually, because my hairdresser, I think of her, I don't think she thinks of me as her friend, but I think of her as my friend.

Yeah. Yeah. My friend recently confessed to me that she lied to her hairdresser. because she was so impressed by her hairdresser and thought she was a cool person and wanted to seem cool she pretended she used to be a DJ. That's mad.

Yeah, she went, yeah, I used to DJ in the early 90s around the club scene in Ibiza. I said she only needs to Google you and find out that you absolutely did it. I know, I realised halfway through the liar I was just digging up for myself. That's a lie that's going to follow her around with this. She's got to ditch that head for us.

It comes up a lot. lot like what set would you do at this party then she's like shut up oh wow but it was it was because she wanted to impress her hairdresser yeah yeah and how did this holiday go with your hairdresser i was really fun so i talk about a bit in like the show i'm doing now because i was trying to like de-stress and this thing i found something that was described as the ultimate de-stressing experience is this car demolition tank driving day in Slovakia, you get sledge ammers and you smash up the car with a sledgehammer for about half an hour. Have you heard of yoga?

Yeah, but I don't think I tried to do that in lockdown and then I stopped. I really feel like you're not getting Ian's vibe here, Kenny. We have really different objectives when it comes to a holiday. Yeah, but have you ever stabbed a car tire with a knife? It feels incredible. I wanted to. It's so fun. And smashing like a windshield.

subjective isn't it it's a really subjective thing i don't know i think you'd enjoy it but you can do that here can't you like maybe not with cars i don't think but there's like those space where you go to you can do it yeah the rage rooms i was going to go to one of them and you just smash plates yeah but a few of them have closed down i think they were like i think they still exist but i think they had a big explosion post lockdown when everyone was stressed so i remember trying to go to one but it'd gone out of business and i'm thinking how you are you going out of business you just all you're just all shit in a room and then getting someone going and smash it up.

What of your business model have you not calculated in that? Talking off stress and holidays, in this other picture where you're wearing a Stetson, so another kind of hat, you're gambling, clearly. Yeah. Is this in Vegas, baby? No, this is in London. I'm not allowed to tell too many details

of this because I got told off before, but there's some comedians playing poker. Yeah. And I think I was quite, I've been playing poker like online during a lot lockdown a little bit. Got good at it. Yeah, I think they're all right at it. But then some comedians I had been doing that during lockdown.

I didn't know about it. Having like a live poker version, a tournament thing. And I told like some other comedian at a new material gig, oh, I'm doing this poker thing. And I mentioned like who it was and stuff. And then that person got a text message from this other person be like, can I come? And I was getting quite a lot of pretty aggressive banter on the group chat about how

I've only just joined the group and I'm in for. biting loads of people. Right, it's got to be kept. So I won't mention other people's names. Okay. But I wanted to go at this poker tournament in a persona. I've been watching lots of poker videos online where there'll be someone in a cowboy out and sunglasses and stuff.

So, so yeah, I bought a cowboy hat and one of those bottle ties or whatever they call it and some sunglasses and I felt incredible in it. Wow. I bet you did. Did other people go dressed up or just you? Everyone was wearing suits, but no one else had a cowboy hat on. And did it change? your game?

Yeah, well, in that tournament, so I've done it twice. The second one I didn't do too well, but on that one, I came third and second in two tournaments out of like 18 people. Because you were hard to read in that get up. Yeah, I'm like, where's Ian? Who's this guy? I was aggressive. Someone who I'm friends with, but maybe I hadn't seen for a while.

I was a comedian sat at the table and he saw him and went, ah, hey, and how's it going? I his turn to go and went, fuck you. Wow, you wait for. I was getting in their heads. What? I was getting in their heads. So from the minute you walked in, you were in roleplay?

Yeah. People are going like, oh Ian, I like your hat. Go fuck yourself. I like your hat. They won't have a hat on that. That's already confusing him. I was just... This is very intense. Yeah. I thought I was having such fun as this character. And I did like one move in the second tournament. I thought I was having. Yeah.

Who told me you. You weren't. No, I just saw... I just saw that I'd maybe gone too far. Like, did one move where I took two people out of the game like earlier on. and I like put my cards over and so I went woo fuck off fuck off and I could see that they were like well that's the second tournament

and now we're done for the evening and all we're doing is like watching and having drinks so for them like and I've been in that position when I've gone out early and you're kind of like it's a bit boring now it's a bit disappointing so you could see that they were a bit like all right that it's got a nine but I'm just like fuck off fuck off

So you're enjoying this persona for a little. Yeah, a bit too much though, I think. And they were like, why is Ian being a cunt? Yeah, yeah. So, Ian, we've looked at all your photos. And usually what we'd like to do and have as yet never prepared a single guest. We've never given anyone an opportunity to plan. And I don't know why we don't do this, but we're springing it on you as we have with every single one of our guests.

we would just like you to come up with one song that you think either harks back to one of these photographs that reminds you of something or that you would use to sort of be one of your desert artists. When you say come up with one do you mean choose an existing one or write a song?

She could compose one for us now. Ain't a half inch a knobble. One that encapsulates one of the photos. What you'd sort of say is a kind of key tune for you? A key, a key song for you. I think it's like a desert islandist song. Yeah. A lot of the music I like is very, I love sad folk music.

Great, let's hear one. I don't have got any, um, like, I do like upbeat songs. But, um. Ian, stick to the theme, mate. Just stick to the theme. But there's a musician. That's far, which has been lo-fi. Yeah, lo-fi misery, self-conscious.

Yeah. There's a guy called Jason Molina who had bands, various bands that were basically his music called Songs of Hia and Magnolia Electric Company. Yeah, but it's like achingly sad. It's very... I love melancholy music.

It's a lovely thing. It does transport you away. I remember when I was younger in the 90s and used to love radio head and my mum used to rip the piss out. Oh, it's so... And she's from Gauls. So she'll be like, oh, it's so fucking... Do you remember that Father Ted bit

where he was on the bus and radio head comes on and he suddenly really, the clouds come up and he's just crying on a bus. But that's what I liked about. There's a sweet melancholy to that sort of music and it takes your places. Thank you so much for doing this. Thanks for having me.

Before you go, Ian, we must talk about the fact that you're going to be at Soho Theatre. Oh, yes. Tell us the info very quickly before we let you go. Yeah, I'm going to be at Soho Theatre from Monday the 2nd to Saturday the 7th of October at 915. in the kind of downstairs room. Yeah, yeah.

I'm doing cabaret. I'm going to sing a lot of my show, I reckon. That's what I'm hoping for. Life is a caba. I know, you won't get rights for that, will you? No, that's it. Every time. Never mind it.

I'm Max Rochton. I'm David O'Darney. And we'd like to invite you to listen to our new podcast, What Did You Do Yesterday? It's a show that asks guests the big question. Quite literally, what did you do yesterday? That's it. That is it.

Max, I'm still not sure. Where do we put the stress? Is it what did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? You know what I mean? What did you do yesterday? I'm really down playing it. Like, what did you do yesterday?

Like, I'm just a guy just asking a question. But do you think I should go bigger? What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? Every single word this time I'm going to try and make it like it is the killer word. What did you? Do you do yesterday? I think that's too much, isn't it?

That is, that's over the top. What did you do yesterday? Available wherever you get your podcasts every Sunday.